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SCP-1417-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="meteor.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1417-j/meteor.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-1417-J at time of discovery</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1417-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> As it cannot be moved, a titanium containment chamber 10m x 10m x 10m has been erected around SCP-1417-J, with SCP-1417-J itself in the center. SCP-1417-J's containment chamber is to be painted solid white and decorated with prop scientific and medical equipment. At no point should any equipment installed within the containment chamber be used for actual examination of SCP-1417-J. Current authorized decorations include:</p> <ul> <li>Two high-voltage traveling arcs ("Jacob's ladders"), to be kept online at all times.</li> <li>A late 1950s transistor computer covering one wall, with visible reel-to-reel tape drives and three large panels of flashing diagnostic lights ("blinkenlights").</li> <li>One telescope of at least 100 cm circumference, with a retracting roof section.</li> <li>Six conical glass flasks ("Erlenmeyer flasks") filled with brightly colored liquids and illuminated from behind the perspective of SCP-1417-J. At least three of the flasks are to be kept boiling above Bunsen burner flames at all times.</li> <li>One centrifuge holding test tubes filled with brightly colored liquids.</li> <li>Two oscilloscopes, one of which has been modified to play the game "Tennis for Two".</li> <li>Three large wall-mounted switches with signage in English and German reading "DO NOT PULL".</li> <li>One Van de Graaff generator and one plasma globe standing side by side.</li> <li>Three lava lamps.</li> <li>Three microscopes.</li> <li>One paper stock ticker providing the current readout of the New York Stock Exchange.</li> <li>One electric heart monitor connected to SCP-1417-J at all times and producing falsified readouts representative of a healthy adult human male.</li> <li>One falsified SCP containment file for SCP-1417-J, identifying it as a Keter-class artifact capable of producing an XK-class event if not neutralized as soon as possible.</li> </ul> <p>SCP-1417-J's containment chamber is to be staffed at all times by no less than three Level 1 personnel with prior experience in live theatre or public performance, and who have attended and passed Foundation Training Seminar 43021.102 ("Improvisational Acting and SCP Containment"), 52033.206 ("Advanced Technobabble"), and 83902.101 ("<strong>SCIENCE!"</strong>). Containment personnel are to be dressed in white laboratory coats and wear eyeglasses at all times, and are to carry a notepad, six pens or pencils and two test tubes in a breast pocket, a slide rule, and a pair of opaque goggles. Containment personnel are not to make any actual attempts at experimentation on or scientific observation of SCP-1417-J, and are to engage in "experimentation" involving the provided prop equipment while pretending to take notes and speaking to each other in "technobabble" with no intended actual meaning. Actual observation and monitoring of SCP-1417-J is to be conducted indirectly by hidden camera and microphone; in the event that physical interaction with SCP-1417-J is required for testing purposes, personnel conducting the examination are to be dressed and behave in a similar manner to containment personnel.</p> <p>In the event that SCP-1417-J ceases to respond to standard containment, Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway is to be conducted as soon as possible until such time as SCP-1417-J becomes inactive. Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway is to be rewritten after each such implementation and containment personnel are to rehearse the current procedure for at least two hours each day while not engaged in containment. Class-B or Class-E amnestics are to be distributed to the civilian population of █████ as necessary in the event of high-visibility containment breaches.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1417-J is an irregularly shaped meteorite approximately 1.2 kg in mass, composed primarily of silicates and igneous stone, which entered the Earth's atmosphere on ██/██/20██ and impacted the Earth's surface in a desert area approximately 6.3 km east of █████, Iraq. SCP-1417-J's surface has been no less than ███ degrees Centigrade in temperature at all times since its discovery; all attempts at relocating SCP-1417-J from its impact site have resulted in its temperature increasing rapidly and producing physical pain or destruction of equipment being used to attempt to move it. Physical analysis suggests that SCP-1417-J came into being during the initial formation of the Solar system approximately 4.3 billion years ago, and that it had been in an irregular orbit of the Earth for an unknown period of time prior to its impact.</p> <p>SCP-1417-J is believed to be sentient and to possess telekinetic abilities. No means of direct communication with SCP-1417-J has been established; observation suggests that SCP-1417-J is able to see and hear events occurring within its immediate vicinity, that it is sensitive to radio waves, and that it is able to induce telekinetic effects within a 20 km radius of itself (an area including all of central █████ and several outlying suburbs and agricultural areas).</p> <p>SCP-1417-J's telekinetic abilities become active whenever it is not undergoing what it considers to be active "scientific observation", which it appears to define as being directly observed by a group of human beings who are experimenting on it with electrical or chemical apparati and taking written notes regarding it. Early attempts at containing SCP-1417-J with legitimate scientific research became ineffective after approximately two weeks, whereafter increasingly dramatized and pseudoscientific "Hollywood science" setpieces were performed by containment personnel with success, leading eventually to the establishment of current containment protocols. Current speculation by Foundation xenopsychological specialists suggests that SCP-1417-J finds actual scientific research "uninteresting" or "unrealistic", and that stylized performances with no actual scientific merit are more "entertaining" to it or appealing to its ego.</p> <p>In the event that direct observation as described above ceases or the quality of performance fails to "impress" SCP-1417-J, it will begin to employ its telekinetic abilities against site personnel and/or civilians in the neighboring areas. Manifestations of SCP-1417-J's telekinetic ability have been noted to extend solely to mischievous deeds of a light-hearted nature ("pranks" or "practical jokes" in common use), beginning at a rate of approximately one per minute and increasing in frequency and severity until containment performance resumes, with a high of 700 instances per hour noted during Containment Breach 1417-J-36. "Pranks" performed by SCP-1417-J rarely result in direct lasting harm to the target; in advanced containment breaches, however, pranks have become increasingly malicious in nature and have been noted to result indirectly in serious injury or fatality. Pranks performed by SCP-1417-J have been documented as including;</p> <ul> <li>Tying together of personnel's shoelaces</li> <li>Manifestation of partially inflated balloons under seat cushions, intended to gradually deflate with a loud report when sat upon</li> <li>Unscrewing of shaker lids on condiment jars</li> <li>Manifestation of burning paper bags containing animal excrement at the front door of a domicile</li> <li>Replacement of freshly ground coffee beans with instant coffee crystals</li> <li>Placement of phone calls to police agencies reporting false crime tips, including reports of "streakers" outside the ██-███████ mosque, that Prime Minister █████ ██-██████ had become stuck in a public toilet, or that author Salman Rushdie had been spotted ordering a BLT sandwich at a local cafe</li> <li>Replacement of the active ingredient in non-prescription painkiller tablets with prescription painkillers, laxatives, or nitroglycerine</li> <li>Manifestation of dead houseflies (<em>Musca domestica</em>) within ice cubes contained in a person's beverage</li> <li>Replacement of live rounds in a US serviceman's rifle with blank cartridges, tracer rounds, or bullet-shaped pieces of caramel candy</li> <li>Spontaneous appearance of large amounts of pornography, of a legal or illegal nature, upon staff computers</li> <li>Manifestation of paper notes upon persons' backs reading "Kick me", "Pinch me", or "Death to Muhammed and all the dogs that follow him" in English and Arabic</li> </ul> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Show Containment Breach 1417-J-36 - Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway Transcript</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Hide Containment Breach 1417-J-36 - Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway Transcript</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> On ██/██/20██, a Level 1 employee engaged in routine containment procedures broke character after tripping and injuring himself. As a result of the lapse in containment, SCP-1417-J began instigating telekinetic pranks throughout the █████ area and failed to respond to attempts at re-containing it. Dr. James Anderson, current SCP-1417-J containment manager and six-time star of the annual Site-19 Christmas Pageant, entered the containment chamber to assist in conducting Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway. Personnel on hand: Dr. Anderson, Dr. Sarah Becker, Dr. Ibrahim Kemal, Dr. Andrew Sullivan.</p> <p><strong><BEGIN LOG></strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> <em>(whispering)</em> Are we ready, people?</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> <em>(whispering)</em> Ready, sir.</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> <em>(whispering)</em> Great. Scene.</p> <p><em>(Becker and Kemal begin running around the room frantically. Sullivan rushes up to Anderson, panting.)</em></p> <p><strong>Sullivan:</strong> Thank God you're here, sir!</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> What the Devil is going on here? This is a laboratory, not a circus!</p> <p><strong>Sullivan:</strong> It's SCP-1417-J, sir! It's… the readouts… seventeen minutes… if we don't… all those people…</p> <p><em>(Anderson slaps Sullivan across the face.)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> For God's sake, man, calm yourself down!</p> <p><strong>Sullivan:</strong> Sorry, sir. It's just… we've got a runaway positronic acceleration on our hands here!</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Have you tried realigning the multimodal flux relay?</p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> It's no good, sir. We're getting a gluonic resistance readout of 38!</p> <p><em>(Anderson whips off his glasses.)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Mother of God.</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> If we don't stop the antipolar magnetic attractors from aligning in the next three minutes, Doctor, this entire continent is going to be kaput! We're going to have to reboot the central lenticular magnetron and…</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Dammit, there's no time! Ibrahim, you took Advanced Phlogistonics back in college, right?</p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> Yes, sir, but I don't see how that's…</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Andy, get the subatomic electro-vulcanizer ready. Ibrahim, I'm going to need you to manually rejigger the anti-nucleonic force matrix!</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> Are you mad, sir? That'll kill him!</p> <p><em>(Anderson slaps Becker across the face.)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> If we don't stop those nega-quarks from sorting the strange matter from the osmium-freon colloid, we're all dead! Ibrahim: <strong>can you do it?</strong></p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> I… I can't do it, sir.</p> <p><em>(Anderson slaps Kemal across the face)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Dammit, Ibrahim! When I rescued you from the orphanage in that Turkish prison, it was because I knew someday you'd save the entire world. Are you going to let me down now?</p> <p><em>(Kemal sighs and mumbles under his breath in Arabic.)</em></p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> I… I can do it, sir. Stand back and watch how a pro does it.</p> <p><em>(Kemal puts one hand on the plasma lamp and one on the Van de Graaff generator and begins to mime being electrocuted.)</em></p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> Photonic resonance rating at 63, sir! 68! 74! 85!</p> <p><strong>Sullivan:</strong> Oh my God…</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> 87… 93… 99.8, sir…</p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!</p> <p><em>(External observation reports to containment personnel via earpieces that telekinetic activity is slowing down and SCP-1417-J appears to be becoming inactive.)</em></p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> 99.9… 92. 73. 48. It's going down, sir!</p> <p><strong>Sullivan:</strong> Raritanium levels dropping… negative Aetherius levels nominal… we're in the clear, sir!</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> We did it! Ibrahim, are you OK?</p> <p><em>(Kemal falls flat on his back.)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Dammit!</p> <p><em>(Anderson rushes to Kemal's side and begins miming CPR and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> Don't you die on me, you son of a bitch! You've never given up on anything before! Don't you give up on me now!</p> <p><em>(Kemal coughs, lurches up, and rises slowly to his feet.)</em></p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> Did we do it?</p> <p><strong>Sullivan:</strong> We sure did… son.</p> <p><strong>Kemal:</strong> I knew we would… dad.</p> <p><em>(Anderson sweeps Becker off her feet and kisses her.)</em></p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> I love you.</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> I'm pregnant.</p> <p><strong>Anderson:</strong> But how…?</p> <p><strong>Becker:</strong> <strong>SCIENCE!</strong></p> <p><em>(Kemal and Sullivan cheer as Anderson lifts Becker off her feet and carries her out of the containment chamber. Relief staff enter and standard containment resumes.)</em></p> </blockquote> <p><strong><End Log></strong></p> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-145-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="microwave.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-145-j/microwave.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Piece of shit actively ruining my frozen burrito.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-145-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe. It should be neutralized, but the Site Director's too goddamn cheap to buy a new one.</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Due to "budget cuts", SCP-145-J is housed in Site-16's main staff kitchen, and is available for general use. It isn't recommended, though. A pair of oven-safe mitts have been provided to assist in SCP-145-J's operation.</p> <p>Injuries sustained during SCP-145-J's use should be treated with aloe vera cream and a stern talking-to by Site-16 Lead RN █████ Clemens for thinking you could handle a hot plate with your bare hands, you brain-dead idiot. To date, SCP-145-J has resulted in 141 cases of first-degree burns, including 63 D-Class, 56 junior and senior researchers, 21 MTF agents, and one O-5. I call that one 0-5 now.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-145-J is an SHARP-brand 1000W/R-21LC commercial microwave whose use can cause one of several anomalous effects on what is placed inside of it:</p> <ul> <li>It doesn't heat anything.</li> <li>It burns everything.</li> <li>The edges get roasted but the center is still frozen.</li> <li>The whole damn thing is ice cold but the plate it's on is molten lava hot.</li> <li>Smoke. Lots of smoke.</li> <li>The tray doesn't spin.</li> <li><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">The tray alternates between spinning clockwise and counterclockwise</span> it's supposed to do that, never mind.</li> </ul> <p>At present, all requests to disassemble SCP-145-J in the hopes of finding the source of its anomaly are uniformly denied, because if it doesn't work afterwards, then we don't have <em>anything</em>, and that's worse than trying to work with this crap. Sometimes I want to bring in a hot meal and not go out to eat. Have you <em>seen</em> how expensive the places around town are now? Did we really need to have this facility near a major metropolitan area? Property taxes must be through the roof, that's probably the reasoning behind why we can't afford a replacement.</p> <p>Attempts to heat food without a plate have been approved, but that's pretty unsanitary and it looks gross in there. During a yearly audit of security procedures at Site-16, including a review of old security footage, it was discovered Agent ██████ used SCP-145-J to heat up a Hot Pocket without putting a plate under it and it exploded. He didn't even clean up afterwards, he just left like he thought no one was watching. Grounds for disciplinary action, right? That's what I thought, too, but fuck, he's still here. We've incinerated D-Class for less, just because he has a Foundation star of brown-nosing or whatever he gets away with being stupid <em>and</em> lazy.</p> <p>SCP-145-J has a secondary memetic effect that has, at time of writing, affected all staff in the vicinity. Morale among Foundation employees at Site-16 has shown a marked decrease in recent months, and confidence and faith in Foundation management is at an all-time low. <em>What a fucking surprise</em>. How the fuck can't we afford a new microwave? Don't we have a skip that <em>makes gold?</em> We shouldn't even <em>have</em> a concept of a budget, we're the Foundation for christ's sake; we spend <em>billions</em> of dollars for some overly-fancy storage locker with a bunch of dumbass redundancies so no one goes near a box that doesn't even <em>have</em> anything in it, by the way.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Really? This article got through to the system? Who the fuck maintains our database, lobotomized monkeys? God, I swear, it's like no one else works here. I hate this place.</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-1459-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item:</strong> SCP-1459</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> There is to be only one SCP-1459 per office, and five altogether to a level. The sponges can be stored individually, and passed around when needed, or in a cupboard which they are to be returned to when finished. Lost and destroyed sponges are to be sent back or written up and new ones received. Information concerning SCP-1459's structure, biological code, and how to grow them is to be classified, along with the location of any tanks serving as a habitat. These facilities are to be guarded and serviced by maintenance personnel.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1459 is a species of sponge, found in the Mediterranean, known to the natives as the X Sponge, because of the large shape resembling a letter X on its front. This SCP was one of the first discovered by The Foundation, and played an integral part in formation of document appearance and the standardization on how reports are presented.</p> <p>The X Sponge, when brushed over a sentence or a piece of writing, will absorb the text, sucking it off the page, and leave a blank spot. In the earlier days, these sponges were indispensable in censoring documents and getting rid of offending or dangerous information quickly. The personnel would remove the classified intelligence and then in its place write [DATA X-SPONGED]. When the sponge was then wrung out afterwards, it would emit a thick black ichor, the words in liquid form. This substance could be used to ink out parts of the page by smearing it along the surface, leaving a blocked-out line. This too was incorporated into everyday secretarial work. After many years, however, the sponges ████████████████ <em>(sorry, some got on the page, I'm looking at it as I write this report for inspiration)</em> became scarce, and as our sites expanded, could not as readily be used by all. New methods were designed, or old normals ones put back into place, and ██ even the phrase mutated slowly into [DATA EXPUNGED] as many █ forgot ██ <em>(it's dripping!)</em> █ its origin.</p> <p><tt>█ ██ █</tt><br/> <br/> <tt>█</tt><br/> <br/> █</p> <p>█</p> <p>███<br/> ███</p> <p><strong>Samples of the material:</strong></p> <p><strong>Sample One:</strong> ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ███████████████████████</p> <p><strong>Sample Two:</strong> ██████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ███████████████████████<br/> ██████<br/> ███</p> <p>████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ██████████████████████████████████████████████</p> <p><strong>Sample Three:</strong> ███████████████████████ ██████████ █████ ████ <em>oh crap, it's drying up. I'll be right back.</em></p> <p><strong>Sample Four:</strong> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<br/> ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<em>I hope no one misses any of the words I took…</em></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1459-j">SCP-1459-J</a>" by name, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1459-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1459-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1471-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1471-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Any instances of SCP-1471-J found are to be logged by the owner of the affected mobile device in the following format and either emailed to Dr. John Blanchard (current assistant director of information security and SCP-1471-J project lead) or added to this page's supplement log, referenced at the bottom of this page.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>1. OWNER INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Name of owner:</strong></p> <p><strong>Phone model and year:</strong></p> <p><strong>Operating system/platform:</strong></p> <p><strong>Date SCP-1471-J file was discovered:</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>2. APPLICATION INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Profile present in application database:</strong> yes \| no \| unsure</p> <p><strong>Log any messages received below, along with the name of the sender:</strong></p> <p><strong>Owner comments:</strong></p> </blockquote> <p>As SCP-1471-J manifests and downloads itself from an unknown source without displaying any notifications on the phone in question, complete tracking, identification, and containment of the application is not possible at this point. Affected personnel should regularly check their phone's list of currently running applications and close SCP-1471-J if it is active. Following safe deletion of the application, affected persons should search the installed application list on their mobile device at least thrice weekly in order to ensure the application has not been re-downloaded without their knowledge.</p> <p>Given the known inaccuracy of the application's portrayal of Foundation employees, as well as the presence of material not suitable for a work environment, affected persons may request their names and related information be redacted in this document at their discretion.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1471-J is an anomalously manifesting iOS, Android, Windows Phone, and GNU/Linux application file which, upon launch, will display the title "Sensual Containment Procedures" with the subtitle "The Foundation's one and only dating and hookup app."</p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="rights.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1471-j/rights.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Dr. Rights' profile, as seen displayed on Dr. ███████'s phone</p> </div> </div> <p>SCP-1471-J has three functions:</p> <ul> <li>a messaging feature, which is accessible from the navigation bar at the top of the interface</li> <li>a profile viewing and creation feature, which allows customization of name, age, location, interests, etc. (but often changes back to its original format regardless of user customization) as well as a section devoted to the profile owner's timestamped status updates</li> <li>a home page, accessible by tapping the logo in the top left, which displays the most recent status updates by users</li> </ul> <p>SCP-1471-J can be safely removed from a mobile device through the operating system's typical deletion method(s), but often reappears at a time ranging from one to seven weeks afterward. The application contains no malicious programs or viruses and does not affect the device unless the program is running. Of note is the fact that it almost always deletes any edited personal information after several hours, replacing it with its original content.</p> <p><strong>Addendum I:</strong> Examples of SCP-1471-J's function and behavior are logged below; any names shown are shown with the permission of the person in question. Any messages shown are the last conversation before deletion of the program; any additional messages can be found by contacting Dr. Blanchard, if doing so is necessary, or by viewing the attached supplement log.</p> <p><strong>Recorded instance #42, documented 03.27.15:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>1. OWNER INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Name of owner:</strong> Dr. ████ ███████, level 3 humanoid containment specialist, Site 19</p> <p><strong>Phone model and year:</strong> Samsung Galaxy S5, 2014</p> <p><strong>Operating system/platform:</strong> Android</p> <p><strong>Date SCP-1471-J file was discovered:</strong> 02.12.15</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>2. APPLICATION INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Profile present in application database:</strong> <strong>yes</strong> \| no \| unsure</p> <p><strong>Log any messages received below, along with the name of the sender:</strong></p> <p><em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> dude</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> dude I know you're getting these messages</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> Lee, come on</em></p> <p><em><strong>Dr. ███████:</strong> Using this isn't safe. Just text me</em></p> <p><em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> man this thing got a damn nice color scheme tho</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> how's your skip? You haven't talked about her lately</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> dude I found a baby's book when I was using your laptop the other day</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> that better not be for her</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> or you're gonna be in some damn deep shit</em><br/> <em><strong>████ ██████:</strong> oh and the poems suck btw</em></p> <p><strong>Owner comments:</strong></p> <p><em>Please redact my name. <a href="/baby-s-first-guide-to-keter-class-anomalies-and-other-questi">That kids' book</a> was the cringiest shit I've ever done.</em></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Recorded instance #50, documented 04.20.15:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>1. OWNER INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Name of owner:</strong> Ryan Shaw, level 3 containment and retrieval field agent</p> <p><strong>Phone model and year:</strong> Apple iPhone 5s, 2013</p> <p><strong>Operating system/platform:</strong> iOS</p> <p><strong>Date SCP-1471-J file was discovered:</strong> 04.15.15</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>2. APPLICATION INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Profile present in application database:</strong> <strong>yes</strong> \| no \| unsure</p> <p><strong>Log any messages received below, along with the name of the sender:</strong></p> <p><em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> bro I miss you</em></p> <p><em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> oh I miss you too ;)</em><br/> <em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> come to my hallway after work</em></p> <p><em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> can't</em><br/> <em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> ehhh well</em><br/> <em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> fuckit, I'll come</em></p> <p><em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> What's the hold-up?</em></p> <p><em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> fucking Ethics Committee</em></p> <p><em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> you're fucking the Ethics Committee again?</em></p> <p><em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> ew no</em><br/> <em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> that's reserved for you</em></p> <p><em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> oh I know what you want</em><br/> <em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> you remember that time I</em> [EXPLICIT CONTENT REDACTED] <em>Scranton Reality Anchor ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)</em><br/> <br/> <em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> I was supposed to take amnestics after that</em><br/> <br/> <em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> yeah but you didn't</em><br/> <em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> nnnff yeah you keep lyin to yourself</em><br/> <em><strong>Ryan Shaw:</strong> I'll see you when you get back to the Site</em><br/> <br/> <em><strong>Agent █████:</strong> hell yeah you will. gonna put my Keter-class anomaly in your containment chamber</em></p> <p><strong>Owner comments:</strong></p> <p><em>Owner declined to comment.</em></p> <p><em>Blanchard's note: One of you is going to have to own up to this. The application doesn't send messages to itself.</em></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Recorded instance #59, documented ██.██.██:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>1. OWNER INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Name of owner:</strong> [REDACTED]</p> <p><strong>Phone model and year:</strong> Motorola Droid Mini, 2013</p> <p><strong>Operating system/platform:</strong> Android</p> <p><strong>Date SCP-1471-J file was discovered:</strong> ██.██.██</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>2. APPLICATION INFORMATION:</strong></p> <p><strong>Profile present in application database:</strong> yes \| no \| <strong>unsure</strong></p> <p><strong>Log any messages received below, along with the name of the sender:</strong></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">HELLO</span></em><br/> <em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">PLEASE TALK TO ME</span></em><br/> <em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">PLEASE IT IS SO LONELY HERE</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>[REDACTED]:</strong> Huh?</em><br/> <em><strong>[REDACTED]:</strong> I didn't add you as a contact. Stop spamming me with blank messages.</em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">PLEASE ANSWER</span></em><br/> <em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">YOU ARE THE FIFTH PERSON I HAVE TRIED TO REACH TODAY</span></em><br/> <em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">PLEASE</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">COME ON WE DON'T BITE</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">HELLO</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">ARE YOU AWAKE? I AM SO LONELY AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE I PROMISE</span></em><br/> <em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">ANSWER US.</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">DO YOU AT LEAST LIKE THE APP? WE SPENT A WHILE ON IT YOU KNOW</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">HELLO</span></em></p> <p><em><strong>UNKNOWN USER:</strong> <span style="font-size:0%;">WOW NOT EVEN A TEXT BACK. RUDE</span></em></p> <p><strong>Owner comments:</strong></p> <p><em>This is freaking me out. I should have just deleted it like everyone else does.</em></p> </blockquote> <p>For a complete log of publicly available SCP-1471-J records, please see the <a href="/scp-1471-j-supplement-log">attached supplement log</a>.</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-1472-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1472-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Each SCP-1472-J instance is to be either in use at one of SCR's properties or stored at any Foundation site with an adequate Safe-class containment area at any given time. During transportation, SCP-1472-J instances are to be secured in the back of the vehicle and covered with a protective opaque tarp. To deter civilian inquiries and tampering, the vehicle in question is to be flagged with standard transport warning 'corrosive' and 'radioactive' placards.</p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:285px;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1472-j/pamphlet.png"><img alt="pamphlet.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1472-j/pamphlet.png"/></a> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>The front cover of the <em>South Coast Realty Guaranteed Listings Informational Flier!™</em> Click to enlarge!</p> </div> </div> <p>When installing an SCP-1472-J instance on-site on one of SCR's properties, the area is to be secured by no fewer than three qualified Foundation personnel equipped with the following:</p> <ul> <li>At least one flashlight;</li> <li>At least one handheld radio, standard Foundation network cell phone, or similar communication device;</li> <li>At least one Mark IV (or higher) Miniaturized Portable Scranton Reality Anchor<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> (Mk. IV MPSRA)<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> rated to at least eight Humes;</li> <li>At least three copies of the <em>South Coast Realty Guaranteed Listings Informational Flier!™</em>;</li> <li>At least two spray cans of Class-A amnestics, in case of civilian intervention.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1472-J is any one of 35 instances of a large, primarily metallic device<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup> which, when activated, emits a faint red light, low levels of microwave and infrared radiation, and a <a href="/and-this-one-explains-humes">Hume</a> resistance field of anywhere from one to seven Humes.</p> <p>SCP-1472-J instances are anomalous in that they do not require a constant power supply despite using an estimated 2,000 watts when powered on; they instead function reliably for several years at a time with no electrical input other than that of the initial input. Site-81 R&D personnel cite never having installed capacitors capable of this level of power conservation during prototype stages, and it is not understood how SCP-1472-J instances developed this function. Further research is ongoing.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup></p> <p>Currently there are 35 registered SCP-1472-J devices; two are derelict and no longer safe for field application, 27 are in use at SCR properties, and six are held in storage at Sites -81 and -12. SCR has 27 listed properties across the continental United States, all of which are former sites of anomalous activity purchased by the Foundation for research<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup>.</p> <p>SCP-1472-J instances are used on-site at properties listed by South Coast Realty for the purposes of continued protection from reality-affecting anomalous events, stabilization of the area<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup>, and increase of property value.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ show five most recent SCR listings</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- collapse, just like the 2008 housing market!</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>SRA Location On-Site:</strong> Upper right corner of lot, installed one meter underneath new landscaping (inaccessible; estimated life of device is ~17 years)<br/> <strong>SRA in Use:</strong> #02<br/> <strong>Baseline Hume Level Set:</strong> 3.3<br/> <strong>Date of Installation:</strong> 02.01.17</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>SRA Location On-Site:</strong> Driveway, installed two meters underneath new concrete, accessible from padlocked access gate in nearby city sewage system<br/> <strong>SRA in Use:</strong> #10<br/> <strong>Baseline Hume Level Set:</strong> 4.6<br/> <strong>Date of Installation:</strong> 01.24.17</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>SRA Location On-Site:</strong> Underneath garage, accessible from keycard-locked hidden door in basement<br/> <strong>SRA in Use:</strong> #08<br/> <strong>Baseline Hume Level Set:</strong> 1.7<br/> <strong>Date of Installation:</strong> 01.15.17</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>SRA Location On-Site:</strong> East side of lot, buried under two meters of fresh soil and bushes (inaccessible; estimated life of device is ~15 years)<br/> <strong>SRA in Use:</strong> #14<br/> <strong>Baseline Hume Level Set:</strong> 3.1<br/> <strong>Date of Installation:</strong> 01.08.17</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>SRA Location On-Site:</strong> Underneath garage, accessible from keycard-locked hidden door in basement<br/> <strong>SRA in Use:</strong> #20<br/> <strong>Baseline Hume Level Set:</strong> 2.4<br/> <strong>Date of Installation:</strong> 12.31.16</p> </blockquote> <hr/></div> </div> </div> <p><strong>History:</strong> The first intentional SCP-1472-J prototype was developed in 2009 as a joint effort between Site-81 R&D and South Coast Realty<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-7" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-7')">7</a></sup> in order to facilitate an organized, consistent, and safe manner of confirming property which was formerly anomalous can indeed be safely sold to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">the public</span> Foundation personnel, retired Foundation personnel, or members of neutral or non-hostile Groups of Interest.</p> <p>SCP-1472-J was originally planned for development as the Mark VIII iteration of the Foundation standard Scranton Reality Anchor, but through errors in development was found to be dysfunctional, with an upper containment limit of only seven Humes<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-8" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-8')">8</a></sup> Thus, the blueprint and all related research was scrapped, and a new iteration of the Mark VIII standard SRA was developed. However, the failed prototype was then picked up by agents of South Coast Realty, who cited its large size and low Hume control capabilities as being "perfect for that shitty-ass lot out in SCP-████'s area; god, I fucking hate that place, but if I can close it at 275 grand during this housing market crash, I'll win the monthly company competition, so I'll be damned."<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-9" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-9')">9</a></sup> Following this, Site-81 R&D oversight approved collaborative research efforts between themselves and Foundation front company South Coast Realty, and signed over all internal Foundation usage and development rights to SCR agents. Following this, SCP-1472-J instances were put into use with approval from all involved departments.</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Not to be confused with SCP-1472-J instances, which are commonly referred to as "Scranton Realty Anchors"</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. <blockquote> <p><strong>Blueprint Information:</strong></p> <p><em>Mk. IV Miniaturized Portable Scranton Reality Anchor</em><br/> <em>Mk. IV MPSRA V 1.1 released to Foundation records database 02.07.17</em><br/> <em>Released by creator (████ ██████) under Foundation standard CC-by-SA-3.0 parameters</em><br/> <em>Developed by ████ ██████ for Foundation R&D Dept. 03 Site-81</em></p> </blockquote> <p><a href="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1472-j/mpsra_small.png">Click here to enlarge.</a> For more information, please <span style="color: #b30000">search Site-81 R&D archives.</span></p> </div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. See History.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. But why bother, when this means <em>Guaranteed Closings!™</em>?</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. When a piece of land is found to show anomalous activity, the Foundation will often purchase the land (█████, ███████. <em>History of Foundation Methods and Containment.</em> Site-19, 2008.) in order to safely observe it and prevent government or civilian interference, before declaring it safe or unsafe and reselling it or condemning it, respectively.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. Shaw, Agent R. <em>All Anomalous Events in Existence and Their Sources Can be Summarized by the Existence of Humes and Those of You Who Say Otherwise Can Suck My Dick.</em> Site-12, 2012.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-7"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-7')">7</a>. <p>The Foundation's real estate company, formed in 1997 with the goal of remodeling and selling formerly anomalous land and homes upon post-containment confirmation of safe or no anomalous activity.</p> </div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-8"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-8')">8</a>. For comparison, modern full-size Scranton Reality Anchors have a capacity of up to 65 Humes.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-9"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-9')">9</a>. Sawyer, Agent J. (2009, July 20). Personal interview.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1500	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-15000-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-15000-J is to be contained in a humanoid containment chamber and given new anomalous impossible puzzles every five hours to maintain its interest in the Foundation, preventing a containment breach.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-15000-J is a human male that possess anomalous deductive skills. SCP-15000-J can deduce information about an entity from small details such as the way they eat, how they look, the way they bumped their toe, or how fast they speak. This deduction of information ranges to personal secrets, thoughts, or what they will do in the future that has upwards of being 99.99% accurate.</p> <p>SCP-15000-J was discovered participating in an <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-4633">anomalous rock paper scissors game</a>, where it beat all the other competitors in a single battle royale round. When asked why it participated it said, "A simple mind warm-up to get the blood flowing." SCP-15000-J then willingly went into Foundation custody stating "Change of scenery would be good for the mind."</p> <p><strong>Addendum.Interview Logs:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Doctor Georgia Penelope</p> <p><strong>Interviewee:</strong> SCP-15000-J</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> Interview #1.</p> <p><strong>[BEGIN LOG]</strong></p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> Good morning SCP-15000-J, today I would like to ask you a few questions, I hope that's okay with you.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> <em>[Chuckling]</em> Of course, but before we begin, how was your Butterfingers with your McNuggets last night?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> How… How do you know about that?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> It was simple, you have five stains on your coat, but I didn't smell anything in your breath indicating you ate breakfast.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> Now that is some bullshi—</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Tch tch tch, so quick to anger, but now, I know everything about your personality! You're the type to hate your position in society!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> That's a mere generalization.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> But is it? This morning you… You were forced to get your inconsiderate boss some coffee after you bumped your head on a door. You were probably thinking "Why do I have to get this moron some coffee, I should be in charge."</p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> That's… That is not true.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> But it is, this morning while you fixed him coffee you spit in it!</p> <p><strong>Head Research Campe:</strong> She did what?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> But that wasn't your first time, you did this several times, you even did [DATA EXPUNGED].</p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> He's lying, don't believe a word he says!</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Look on your cameras then, Doctor Campe!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Penelope:</strong> Wha—Wha—Wha—</p> <p><strong>Head Research Campe:</strong> <em>Doctor Penelope</em>, come in my office right now.</p> <p><strong>[END LOG]</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Doctor Fabrizio Samuel</p> <p><strong>Interviewee:</strong> SCP-15000-J</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> Interview #2.</p> <p><strong>[BEGIN LOG]</strong></p> <p><strong>Dr. Samuel:</strong> Hello SCP-15000-J, I would like to ask why did you um… expose D— Junior Researcher Penelope.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Expose, is that what you call it? I didn't expose anyone, that was just simple mental exercise.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Samuel:</strong> A exercise for what?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> <em>[Looking up]</em>… Until the time I reach the pinnacle of the one above all.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Samuel:</strong> Could you please elaborate?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Elaborate, why should I? What are you tr… Hehe, I see now.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Samuel:</strong> You see what?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> You're not a doctor, you're a spy!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Samuel:</strong> <em>[Stands up]</em> This is getting ridiculous, can we en—</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Why are you leaving so early, Chaos Insurgency?</p> <p><strong>Spy:</strong> How do you know about that?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> It was simple, this organization must have enemies, I watch too much tv not to know that and while you were in here you didn't write down notes immediately, you waited five seconds do it!</p> <p><strong>Spy:</strong> But how did you come up with a name?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> SCP Foundation has 13 letters and this is my second interview, so 2 plus 13 equals 15 and what has 15 letters, Chaos Insurgency.</p> <p>You see, I trained my mind for five years on a specific mountain in a specific region to increase my mental power. On that mountain, I had learned the art of seeing with your eyes. With this power, I could deduce anything about you by just the way you walk. But of course, not anyone can use this power, only the wisest and greatest of minds could dre—</p> <p><strong>Spy:</strong> … No, no that just makes no sense, our names could have been The Red Nudists. You guys see this right? This is some cra—<em>[Is rendered unconscious by security guards.]</em></p> <p><strong>Head Researcher Campe:</strong> If you keep this up, we might have to give you a job.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> No need, a person would not lie if the truth did not feel dangerous.</p> <p><strong>[END LOG]</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Doctor Abbot Daniel.</p> <p><strong>Interviewee:</strong> SCP-15000-J</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> Interview #6. Doctor Abbot Daniel submitted forty-five complaints against SCP-15000-J stating that is exposing 'secrets' of personnel that it interacts with, subsequently decreasing site morale, and it was not anomalous. They were granted an interview with SCP-15000-J to prove this statement.</p> <p><strong>[BEGIN LOG]</strong></p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> Good morning SCP-15000-J, how are you feeling?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Quite we—</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> <em>[Slams several photos of SCP-15000-J working in walmart]</em> Explain this.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Clearly, that is me working in WalMart.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> Yeah, but you said 10 years ago you went to the 'mountain' to train. But, the time doesn't match up; here you are, 10 years ago, working in WalMart.</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Your point?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> You're not anomalous, you're just a toothpick con man! You didn't train with wizards, monks, or hillbillies, you're just good at… doing things; and so, you don't belong here and you need to be amnestized immediately!</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> <em>[Laughing under its breath]</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> <em>[Sweating]</em> What's so funny?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> You see, <em>Doctor Abbot Daniel</em>, I was the one who made those <em>fake</em> pictures!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> That's impossible, these were discovered under high tec—</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Hush child, I deduced that this will happen 10 years ago when I was training on that mountain. I knew my abilities would be so great that there would be haters coming after me. So I made fake pictures that prove to my haters that I was wrong and they were right, but in reality, they would be proving that I was right and they were wrong.</p> <p>To answer your question that was the reason for my laughter.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> <em>[Laughing under his breath]</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Hm, what's so funny?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> You see SCP-15000-J, I made those photos today!</p> <p><em>SCP-15000-J gasps and stumbles back.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> That just can't be, I… I deduced it.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> You deduced nothing but your own downfall!</p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Hehe, but you see I went into the <em>mountain dew section</em>, so a mountain nonetheless.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Daniel:</strong> … No! We are all tired of your <em>deduction</em>, you just want to fuck with people, and we are through with you.</p> <p><em>Two Junior Researchers embarrassed by SCP-15000-J walks in the room and hold down SCP-15000-J.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> Get your hands off me! <em>[Dr. Daniel takes out a needle and injects it within SCP-15000-J.]</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-15000-J:</strong> I see, hehe. So this is the end of my legacy… For now that i— <em>[Is rendered unconscious with a punch from Dr. Daniel.]</em></p> <p><strong>[END LOG]</strong></p> <p><strong>Closing Statement:</strong> SCP-15000-J is now put under constant sedation to study its true anomalous ability and increase site morale.</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-15000-j">SCP-15000-J</a>" by RadioactiveRADS, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-15000-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-15000-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1543-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item:</strong> SCP-1543</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Since SCP-1543-02 was built by The Foundation, it requires no special form of containment, except to keep it hidden from the public eye, due to its advanced technology and anomalous materials. To do this, invisibility fields and light reflectors will be attached, and radio-jamming signals will be employed. SCP-1543-01 is a sentimental keepsake, and is to be kept in a museum built around its original location. This museum is to be curated and cleaned by a top-notch maintenance crew, as SCP-1543-01 represents an important part of The Foundation's history and heritage. Also, because of this, all workers get a vacation at least once a year to visit, and level three and four receive free passes, along with cheaper access to the lecture hall.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1543-01 is a catapult with an absurdly far length of range, designed in 16██ to meet a common need of that time: launching dangerous and potentially reality-altering objects into the sun. Apparently people thought back then that the easiest and most efficient way of disposing of SCPs was the burning heat of a star, even if the object in question could be destroyed in a simpler way, would escape while flying through the air, or would actually feed off the energy inside the thing that was supposed to annihilate it. Despite the fact that this was often an unnecessary waste of resources and time, it was often decided as the best course of action.</p> <p>Inside the museum surrounding it, displayed behind glass cases and on pedestals, painted and photographed, and sold on key chains in miniature form, are replicas of all the SCPs launched into the Sun by SCP-1543-01. Some of these include:</p> <ul> <li>A thirty-foot monster.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A normal human who, while invulnerable, was not any stronger than a normal man, and could feel pain. <em>(Seriously, why couldn't they just keep him locked up? Leave him alone in a cell? Did it really bother them that much that he couldn't be destroyed? Was it an ego thing? Jesus Christ, they should have just let it go.)</em></li> </ul> <ul> <li>An atom bomb from the future: caused solar flares for a month, half of Europe rendered sterile.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A tiny black hole: nearly started an end-of-the-world class scenario.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A miniature sun: [DATA EXPUNGED].</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Heat-absorbing ring that causes mild headaches to those in near vicinity: Overseers told to just calm down a little bit.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A sentient difference engine that had been requesting a better power source and insinuated that it might be able to use the sun as one: launched into the sun, achieved singularity, invaded earth.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A tree that fed off energy and became stronger because of it, growing more and more branches that attack people: <em>(Literally, this was its actual name)</em> Entire ruling council of the Foundation executed for gross stupidity and incompetence.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>SCP-682: grew wings; lot of people ended up with razor sharp feathers in their eyes.</li> </ul> <p>SCP-1543-02 is a large spacecraft shaped like a cannon. All the money that could have gone into curing diseases or designing better sites went into its construction <em>(it seems to be almost an obsession with the higher members)</em>. Because of this, it is surrounded by three fusion rings, and contains a fission core, fourteen on-board AIs, a full faculty, and the most precise aiming system ever made— controllers can pick the exact spot where the SCP that bounces off of colored objects is shot. Painted on the side is the motto, in large capital letters, "When in doubt, launch into the sun" (which some feel can never match the flair of the SCP's old creed, "Into the fiery orb with ye"). Here is a partial list of objects launched into the sun by the station:</p> <ul> <li>A meteorite that causes a massive explosion when it unfreezes.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A giant creature from another dimension that said it came here to "devour our sun": Darkness for 14 days.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>214 viruses.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>513 bacteria.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A dark-matter sun core demon.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>12 fungi (three of which die when exposed to room temperature).</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A completely harmless rock that could not be destroyed as long as it was by the earth.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A small globe that controls what happens on earth— whatever is inflicted on it occurs on our planet as well: [DATA EXPUNGED].</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A box with a tiny version of our universe in it: [DATA EXPUNGED].</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A "spooky" lamp.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>An equally disturbing painting.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>SCP-682: came back on fire.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Addendum 01:</strong> I don't like the tone of this report! The sun launcher is freaking awesome, everyone knows real men like SCP-1543! I have a poster of it in my quarters! Yeah!</p> <p><strong>Addendum 02:</strong> Because of 682's continuing resistance to being shot into the sun, a new solution has been devised: building an even bigger sun launcher, specially designed for the lizard. Rumor has it that this one might either: A) launch the bastard straight through the sun, B) launch him really hard into the sun, or C) pull the sun towards the station (like on wicked fire chains or something). Because of the costs of this massive undertaking, the research department had to be shut down. Lets just say they weren't pleased and didn't go quietly; a couple left screaming something about having discovered a way to kill 682. What a bunch of losers.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 03:</strong> There is a long standing tradition of rivalry between the task force that runs The Sun Launcher and Team 10 Gazillion Nuclear Detonations All Used At Once. Both think their way is the best, and the other's is completely ridiculous.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 04:</strong> Team 10 Gazillion Nuclear Detonations All Used At Once has been complaining because of all the focus and attention given to the new sun launcher, as well as all the funds being directed to the project. As a compromise, this deal has been reached: an undisclosed number of nuclear missiles have been placed on the spacecraft, just in case anything goes wrong, and buttons to activate the self-destruct sequence have been placed in open accessible spaces, for easy and quick access. When The League of Needlessly Wasting Class D Personnel heard of this and complained, whining of favoritism, a shipment of prisoners was brought up to the shuttle, to be kept in a special area outside of the spacecraft. Another special interest group, The White Cane, tried to jump on the bandwagon and asked that these Class D Personnel be blind for better containment procedures. They were soothed when we told them that the vacuum of space would most likely cause the guards' eyes to pop out anyway.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 05:</strong> The Department of Arming Violent Criminals has successfully lobbied to have the D-Class security detail issued M249 light machine guns. Further requests for FMJ, explosive, or incendiary ammunition are under review due to the recent "micrometeor shower" that inflicted roughly $7 billion worth of damage on [REDACTED].</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1543-j">SCP-1543-J</a>" by name, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1543-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1543-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1550-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item:</strong> SCP-1550</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid/Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1550 has caused several disasters already, by significantly altering humanoid SCPs' personalities and abilities which confuses new researchers, messes with records, and poses a very real physical danger. Because of this, all research on 1550 has been halted, and it is kept in a small storage locker, triple-locked, under express orders not to be removed.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> 1550 is a stylish metal wheelchair, with electronics in both armrests. It is motorized and can reach speeds up to 15 miles per hour. On a molecular and tangible level it is completely normal; however, when a humanoid SCP sits in on the seat, six things will happen instantaneously:</p> <ul> <li>They will lose all the hair on their head. The scalp is often described as "soft" and "baby smooth"</li> </ul> <ul> <li>They will be paralyzed from the waist down as long as they remain in 1550.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>They will develop telepathic abilities.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>A dramatic change in disposition will occur; they will become calm and highly intelligent, although manipulativeness and slight ruthlessness have been noted as well.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>They will refer to themselves as Professor, and then the first letter of their last name.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>They will begin calling all other humanoid SCPs metahumans, mutants, or homo superior, and will believe that either the facility they reside in is a "school for gifted youngsters", was a school, or the people inside used to be students but were kidnapped by The Foundation. In this case, 1550-1 will attempt to coordinate an escape. All other circumstances lead to them training the "mutants" and trying to form them into "superhero teams". If task forces exist that utilize certain humanoid SCPs, the professor will attempt to assume leadership of these teams, and make the SCPs more central.</li> </ul> <p>1550-1 will begin wheeling around whatever site they are contained in, speaking with scientists and workers. As they pass by rooms of humanoid SCPs they will engage them in conversation, and certain alterations to reality will begin to manifest. This does not require contact; if 1550-1 remains in the chair for a long enough time, The X-Men Syndrome, as it is called, will spread in a radius further and further out. Certain similarities can be observed every time:</p> <ul> <li>All humanoid SCPs on location will gradually become more handsome and appealing. They will all drop in age until they are teenagers. Women's breast sizes will grow. Men will become fit and tan. For example, <a href="/scp-661">661</a> lost all of his belly fat, and became a trim and muscled hunk.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Perhaps because of the loss of age, humanoid SCPs will suddenly become slightly depressed and moody, often times lamenting their fate and complaining of hardships in their life. However it should be noted that SCPs that were completely suicidal originally fare better; their depression is lessened, and they either begin writing poetry, making long speeches, or "hinting at a dark past".</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Relationships between the SCPs will increase dramatically. Almost everyone will be friends with everyone else, and a good percent are paired up with a member of the opposite or same sex. It is hard to tell the exact amount however, because these relationships frequently shift; there are often fights, and what the teenagers refer to as "drama".</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Each humanoid SCP will insist on being called a made up nickname in some way pertaining to their power. These monikers are often cheesy, but the SCPs don't seem to notice this and use them with pride. For example, <a href="/scp-202">202</a> would frequently charge into battle (why and how a safe SCP with abilities that only affected himself could fight will be explained later) after shouting his name out, which is "Rewind". However, the SCPs do also allow, if only given a choice between their number and actual personal names, to let staff use that instead, which has led to the discovery that their legal names have somehow been altered on all records and birth certificates into a name that somehow relates to their power, no matter how large of a coincidence this would be. (<a href="/scp-182">SCP-182's</a> name changed from ████████ █████to Brian Mind, and SCP-693's from ███ █████ to Electro Shock.)</li> </ul> <ul> <li>The SCP's morals will either shift firmly to the side of "right" or at the very least, "anti-hero with a dark past". Most of the time, this happens only in cases when the SCP was only apathetic or mildly sociopathic. If the SCP has beforehand decided that they are a villain, or has a history of murder, they will start out good, and then experience a "tragic" fall to the dark side, as is the case of Vector, who betrayed the "A-Men", and Ogre, a handsome blond haired pretty boy (the altered form of <a href="/scp-082">082</a>) who gave into his vicious cannibalism-powered growing abilities, and fled into the wilderness.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>The SCP's abilities will become vastly oversimplified, and lose all scientific basis. Often times, the most useful explications will become the full power, and everything else will fade away. There is a focus on defensive and offensive capabilities. In other cases, if the ability is too complex to be useful, it will change almost completely, into something very basic. No abnormalities will exist that only have harmful effects on the owner; every single one seems to be able to be utilized as a weapon or tool. For example, SCP-███, who previously was involved in an incredibly sophisticated interplay between energy, matter, and the environment, simply gained the ability to "throw tornado balls". It often seems that one word out of the description of the SCP will be appended to the word "beam", and that will become their power. For example <a href="/scp-114">114</a> shot "war beams" and <a href="/scp-336">336</a> suddenly gained the gift of "love lasers". <a href="/scp-132-arc">132</a> started launching "sorrow beams" as well, that inexplicably were green and sometimes caused people's heads to explode.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Escape rates in non-humanoid SCPs will increase rapidly, and humanoid SCPs will attempt to recapture them.</li> </ul> <p>The changes in reality begin first around the person sitting in 1550 and SCPs in their cells, each one a small pocket of reality that contradicts the rest of the world. But soon, the entire dynamic of The Foundation begins to change. After a week, SCPs will be free to leave their rooms, and wander around, and most requests are granted. Reports will consist of nothing but lists on their likes and dislikes, and inventories of all the cool music and movies they own. Research will be halted because it is inhumane. Class designations will not be how dangerous or hard to contain they are, but simple power levels, with Keter class bragging about their potential and how much better they are than everyone else. These will often be replaced with simple numbers, or categories that indicate how far along they are on the "evolutionary scale". Soon, in no less then a month, SCPs will be on every task force, and all major operations will consist of them. Often they will create their own team, and attempt to be "superheroes". They will begin dressing in leather jackets and pants, although some do prefer older more retro uniforms like capes and tights, and inordinate amounts of money will begin draining from The Foundation in order to build special bases, homes and school grounds, equipment, and virtual reality simulation facilities. The Professor will begin training them in karate and the martial arts, although this will also begin happening spontaneously, in the confines of their own room (they will all of a sudden for no discernible reason begin kicking and flying through the air) if 1550-1 does not meet them in time. (Iris became a black belt in one day.) Beast and artifact SCPs will fade away, and become all but forgotten. It is often at this time that some backlash is noted; whether this is rational or part of 1550's effect is unknown. Scientists will slowly begin trying to sabotage and rein in the team, or use them towards their own nefarious ends. SCPs will often discover The Foundational is still experimenting on someone, and be shocked and dismayed, causing more conflict and friction. In the end, several large scale termination attempts are approved. In addition to these fairly logical responses, several irrational ones appear as well. Scientists will lose their sanity, and attempt to take over the world using the task forces. Overseers will order the building of giant robots. Well meaning level four personnel start working on a "cure", even though it should be patently impossible.</p> <p>It is unknown what happens if it would be allowed to progress beyond this, point but it is theorized that it would result in the complete destruction of The Foundation, and the eventual victorious emergence of some kind of benevolent "mutant" organization, with SCPs as agents and staff, traveling around the world, fighting crime in a stealth jet.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 01:</strong></p> <p>During a Chaos Insurgency attack on Sector ██, <a href="/scp-076">076's</a> legs were blown off during helping repulse the assault. An agent pulled the SCP and managed to sit him down in a wheelchair that had been pulled out of the closet, so Able could continue fighting. <em>"I expected him to start throwing swords from a seated position, or attach rotating saws to the wheels and start zooming around on them."</em> Instead as soon as Able touched the seat of 1550, he said, softly <em>"They're attacking because of intolerance"</em> and then took a rocket to the head. Later tests confirmed the anomalous properties, although Able is unique in the fact that despite the pacifistic mind that is created, he still will attempt to maliciously kick and trip people by grabbing a hold of his pants leg and swinging the disabled limbs at them.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 02:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Log 1550-13</strong></p> <p>(Three scientists are walking down the hallways with Able on 1550. They briefly meet up with 2 scientists talking to a young girl, who was about to be categorized as SCP-███.)</p> <p><strong>Scientist:</strong> So welcome to Site 17-</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> the school for gifted youngsters.</p> <p><strong>Scientist 2:</strong> What?</p> <p><strong>Girl:</strong> Why do I have to be here? Oh, why am I cursed with this-</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> You must not think of it that way. With great power comes great responsibility. In time you will learn to control-</p> <p><strong>Girl:</strong> But my power is that my imaginary friends and whatever else I fantasize about comes alive and turns evil and tortures me in my mind. How is that-</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> (continues) You will find here the finest facilities at your service. You are free to go wherever you like and—</p> <p><strong>Scientist 2 and 3:</strong> (they just shake their head whenever the girl looks at them)</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> —and soon in time, you will meet others of your kind. This is a safe haven for mutants, where you will not be persecuted.</p> <p><strong>Scientist 1:</strong> (sighs)</p> <p><strong>Guard 3</strong>: (puts palm to head)</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> My name is Professor A, and -</p> <p>(suddenly, 132 bursts out of her room)</p> <p><strong>132:</strong> I feel the world's sorrow!</p> <p><strong>Girl:</strong> Wow, she's cool!</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> Yes. Her name is Sorrow. She is one of the select few. An A-man.</p> <p><strong>Scientist:</strong> What…the…fuck…</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> Ah, and here are the quarters of <a href="/scp-415">415</a>. He's a lovable rogue.</p> <p><strong>415:</strong> Hey, I told you I don't like doctors. Get away from me. (three medical assistants are attempting to look him over)</p> <p><strong>415:</strong> Back off, bub.</p> <p><strong>Doctor:</strong> Now, 415…</p> <p><strong>415:</strong> It's Steve. OK. Either Steve or my codename. OK? Got it? Hey. Seriously. Don't come near me! You know I'm going to stab you with one of my claws.</p> <p><strong>Doctor:</strong> What in God's name are you talking about?</p> <p><strong>415:</strong> Well look at all these modifications. You don't think they'd give me claws or something?</p> <p><strong>Doctor:</strong> But why? They were harvesting your organs. What purpose would it serve- ah! He really does have claws!</p> <p><strong>Doctor:</strong> Jesus, when did he get those?!</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> We have quite a motley crew here. But we all love each other like family. (a young Asian girl jumps down from a balcony overhead, and slowly lifts out of a crouch. she is wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle boots)</p> <p><strong>Scientist:</strong> <a href="/scp-231">231!</a></p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> You mean Marvel Woman?</p> <p><strong>Girl:</strong> What's her power, mister?</p> <p><strong>231:</strong> Well, I can [DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p>[DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p>[DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p><strong>Scientist 2:</strong> (mouth wide open, shocked expression on his face)</p> <p><strong>231:</strong> I also like shopping.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>(This is a transcript of a conversation between Able and Iris, when someone else besides 076 was sitting in the chair)</p> <p><strong>Iris:</strong> Hey! Stay away from Alice, Computra, OK?</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> You're not the boss of me, Triclops! (he is referring to Iris as Triclops because of a mechanical device strapped on top of her head)</p> <p><strong>Iris:</strong> She's my girlfriend. Stop trying to butt in-</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> Shut your face!</p> <p><strong>Iris:</strong> You think you can say whatever you want just because you have stubble and sideburns?</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> Mutton chops!</p> <p><strong>Mediating researcher:</strong> I don't want to interrupt, but Able, aren't you incapable of feeling love?</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> No… I just have a dark past.</p> <p><strong>Researcher:</strong> Huh?</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> I'm generally good at heart. I've had a tough life, though.</p> <p><strong>Researcher:</strong> I've seen you stab a kid in the face!</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> No. I only fight against those who seek to harm me.</p> <p><strong>Researcher:</strong> You've devastated an entire base with one sword before!</p> <p><strong>Able:</strong> Must have been under mind control, bub. Used to be in a super soldier program, after all. chews on cigar</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1550-j">SCP-1550-J</a>" by name, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1550-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1550-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1557-J	<html><body></body></html>
SCP-1562	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <ul class="creditRate"> <li class="rateBox folded"> <div class="rate-box-with-credit-button"> <div class="creditButton foldable-list-container"> <p><a href="javascript:;"></a></p> </div> </div> <div id="u-credit-view"> <div class="fader foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">close</a></div> <div class="modalcontainer"> <div class="modalbox"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span>Info</span></h2> </div> <hr/> <div class="close-credits foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">X</a></div> <div class="credit first"> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> Mx. Let me out<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/crssk" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1618969); return false;"><img alt="Crssk" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=1618969&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1719146541" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=1618969)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/crssk" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1618969); return false;">Crssk</a></span><br/> <strong>Translator:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/fluxman" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(6498353); return false;"><img alt="fluxman" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=6498353&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1719146541" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=6498353)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/fluxman" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(6498353); return false;">fluxman</a></span></p> <hr/> <p>Image Credits</p> <blockquote> <p>File: 15625drw.png<br/> Source: <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Engin_Umut_Akkaya_-_In_the_Lab.JPG">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Engin_Umut_Akkaya_-_In_the_Lab.JPG</a><br/> Maker: Yigit Altay<br/> Copyright: CC BY-SA 4.0<br/> Typography source: ko.scp-wiki.net/dr-wondertainment-hub, tannerbanner.png<br/> Maker: <span class="error-inline"><em>taylor_itkin</em> does not match any existing user name</span> & <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/zhange" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(2938475); return false;"><img alt="Zhange" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=2938475&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1719146541" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=2938475)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/zhange" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(2938475); return false;">Zhange</a></span><br/> Copyright: CC BY-SA 3.0</p> </blockquote> <p>File 15625drw.png was edited by ASTERISK(non Foundation member)</p> <p>Image use permitted by CC BY-SA 4.0</p> </div> <hr/> </div> </div> </div> </li> </ul> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-15625-KO-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Thaumiel</span> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The subject is to be contained in a private room modified from the D-class personnel quarters of Site-21K and, in areas where no special containment procedures are specified, treated according to standard humanoid anomalous entity containment protocols.</p> <p>According to the SCP Foundation's standard response protocols, negotiations are not typically conducted with humanoid/sapient/communicative anomalous entities. However, since the objectives of SCP-15625-KO-J align with the Foundation's principles of "securing and containing anomalous entities," an exception has been made, and the Foundation has decided to cooperate with SCP-15625-KO-J. The Containment Department discusses containment measures for SCP-15625-KO-J post "goal achievement." Until then, the entity has been appointed as a "Special Advisory Consultant" at Site-21K.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-15625-KO-J looks identical to a regular human. The phrase "Doctor's Orders" was written on his clothes at the time of discovery. The Foundation suspected the subject to be one of "Little Misters", an assortment of humanoid anomalies made by <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/wondertainment-hub\|">Dr Wondertainment</a>, which the subject admitted. SCP-15625-KO voluntarily appeared at Site-21K, and <strong>desperately</strong> requested help in exchange for being contained.</p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="15625drw.png" class="image" src="http://scpko.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-15625-ko-j/15625drw.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>"Dr Wondertainment", provided by SCP-15625-KO-J.</p> </div> </div> <p>SCP-15625-KO-J was going through the PhD programme in Wonderology<sup>TM</sup>, and his supervisor was Dr Wondertainment. When the programme did not go as planned, he impulsively escaped Wonder World<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup></p> <p>The following is the interview conducted after SCP-1562-KO-J's containment.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Dr Rosa Marcuse</p> <p><strong>Interviewee:</strong> SCP-15625-KO-J</p> <p><em>(SCP-15625-KO-J reacts to Dr Rosa Marcuse's entry. The subject is trying hard to push down his emotions.)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr Marcuse:</strong> As per SCP Foundation guidelines, you have been designated as SCP-15625-KO-J. We'll be calling you by this name. Would that be alright?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> …Sure, whatever, it doesn't matter. As long as it's not that fucking Wonder World. (Under his breath) <sub>That son of a bitch</sub>…</p> <p><strong>Dr Marcuse:</strong> SCP-15625-KO-J, are you ready for the interview?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> (Frustrated, confused) What? Oh, okay. Sorry. Let's get on with it.</p> <p><strong>Dr Marcuse:</strong> We suspect you're one of the group of humanoid anomalies called "Little Misters", created by the group of interest, "Dr Wondertainment", as some of your traits align with them. Is that true?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> Yes, it is. Technically speaking, anyone in Wonder World except for "Dr Wondertainment" is a Little Misters.</p> <p><strong>Dr Marcuse:</strong> I see. Are you from Wonder World?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> Correct. I spent almost my entire life there, and I just… escaped.<br/> > <strong>Dr Marcuse:</strong> Escaped?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> Dr Wondertainment was my supervisor. I was going through a PhD programme in Wonderology… But then…</p> <p><em>(SCP-15625-KO-J stops saying, and he starts frowining.)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr Marcuse:</strong> Hey, are you okay?</p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> <strong>I spent [REDACTED] years after the programme to be "Dr Wondertainment"! But that doctor bastard is not giving me a degree!</strong></p> <p><strong>SCP-15625-KO-J:</strong> <em>(Tears flowing down his face)</em> <strong>I spent ██ years making toys, █ years coming up with a theoretical basis for them, and ██ years in Wonder World doing paperwork for him! And that's not enough? How much do you want from me, Wondertainment!</strong></p> <p>[The statements were omitted, as it is too devastating to be recorded in the SCP Foundation Database]</p> <p><em>(Dr Marcuse starts crying as she listens to the raging SCP-15625-KO)</em></p> <p><strong><Interview continuation deemed impossible. Interview terminated.></strong></p> </blockquote> <p>Security returned SCP-15625-KO-J to his designated containment chamber. The subject continued to sob and rage for about three days.</p> <blockquote> <p>Anyone with higher education enough to work for the Foundation will cry a river when they listen to his story.<br/> - <strong>Dr Rosa Marcuse</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>Yep, made me cry. Sigh… That [REDACTED] years…<br/> - <strong>Site Administrator Gangsu Lee</strong></p> </blockquote> <p>Disciplinary action due to 'inappropriate action during interview' was revoked for Dr Rosa Marcuse,<br/> for the above reasons.</p> <p>A follow-up interview three days later, after SCP-15625-KO regained stability, stated that the subject was tasked by Dr Wondertainment to 'gather all Little Misters, ' which will lead to the consideration of granting his degree. SCP-15625-KO-J claimed that this task is "a very gruesomely arduous and difficult task" and was why he impulsively escaped Wonder World and came to the Foundation. SCP-15625-KO-J expressed extreme anger and sadness during his testimony, and tranquilisers were administered by Site-21K staff.</p> <p>As per the Special Containment Protocols, negotiations are not typically conducted with humanoid/sapient/communicative anomalous entities as per standard responsive protocols. However, as his goals of collecting all Little Misters made by Dr Wondertainment aligns with the SCP Foundation's goals, Administrator Gangsu Lee of Site-21K proposed the Korea Regional Command to cooperate with SCP-15625-KO. After a 24-hour-long discussion, Administrator Gangsu Lee's proposal was accepted by Administrator Noraemine's direct orders.</p> <blockquote> <p>Several oppositions were present, but they, too, were saddened by Little Mister Skip's interview video.<br/> - <strong>Grace "Noraemine" Choi, Administrator of Korea Regional Command</strong></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 15625.01:</strong> Following Administrator Noremaine's directive, the Foundation has been assisting SCP-15625-KO-J in achieving its objectives. Personnel assigned to the 'Little Misters' containment operation requested the entity's cooperation. This proposal was approved by a majority vote, and SCP-15625-KO-J was appointed as a special advisory consultant for the containment of the 'Little Misters,' assisting Foundation personnel in their containment and research activities.</p> <p>Foundation personnel receiving assistance from SCP-15625-KO-J unanimously expressed great satisfaction with the knowledge and efforts provided by the entity.</p> <p><strong>Incident 15625.01:</strong> Thanks to the collaboration between Foundation personnel and SCP-15625-KO-J, the Foundation was able to contain all 'Little Misters' SCP entities. The SCP Foundation has determined that all of SCP-15625-KO-J's requirements have been met.</p> <p>SCP-15625-KO-J informed "Dr. Wondertainment" that his task was complete and requested a review for his doctoral degree.</p> <p>Approximately 168 hours after the entity requested the doctoral degree review, the following message was received:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Wow!</strong> You've just collected all of Little Misters, a limited edition collection from Dr. Wondertainment!</p> <p><span style="color: #a901db"><strong>Unfortunately, your degree has been denied.</strong></span></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>AAAAAAGH! WONDER, YOU BASTARD!!! LET ME OUT!!!</strong><br/> - Upon recieving the message, SCP-15625-KO-J blurted out and fainted.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>That'll make even the black moon howl.<br/> - <strong>Site Administrator Lee Gangsu, after checking the message next to SCP-15625-KO-J.</strong></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Revised Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The subject is to be contained in a private room modified from the D-class personnel quarters of Site-21K. Site-21K psychological treatment staff is to monitor the mental status of the subject regularly.</p> <p>Site-21K research personnel are increasingly requesting SCP-15625-KO-J to be their research assistant. All results are pending.</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. A pocket dimension or extradimensional space known as the GoI, "Dr Wondertainment"'s base.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1595-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1595-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2 are to be kept in separate standard humanoid containment cells under constant surveillance. Personnel monitoring them must have an ample supply of insulin and a syringe on their person at all times. Additionally, these personnel are advised against eating shortly before and after their shifts. Under no circumstances may SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2 be within eyesight of each other, as a mere wayward glance has been proven lethal. Personnel handling SCP-1595-J must wear ear protection to avoid fatal auditory exposure.</p> <p>SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2 are permitted to send each other messages, designated SCP-1595-3. However, personnel are to avoid looking at SCP-1595-3 and their contents. SCP-1595-3 will be delivered by hand in envelopes marked [REDACTED] for SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2 to read, followed by SCP-1595-3's incineration, as the sight of large quantities of SCP-1595-3 is hazardous.</p> <p>In the event of a containment breach by SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2, a recovery team must be sent equipped with [REDACTED] to avoid lethal visual exposure, as SCP-1595-J will most likely be engaging in romantic or sexual activities.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1595-J is a young couple named R████ and J█████, respectively designated as SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2. Both appear to be Caucasian and in their mid-██s. SCP-1595-1 and SCP-1595-2 are constantly infatuated with each other. Because of this as well as the fact that auditory exposure to both of them together is lethal, Dr. ████ theorized that all they ever talk about is how much they love each other. They are able to draw the loosest associations between anything and their relationship. When together, they are in a constant state of kissing, cuddling, hand-holding, skipping, spinning, hugging, giggling, flirting, dancing, or coitus, sometimes all at once.</p> <p>Observing SCP-1595-J's public displays of affection triggers a near-spontaneous neurochemical and hormonal imbalance in the observer. Witnessing the pair expressing their feelings for each other leads to a dramatic increase in flow of dopamine throughout the nervous system as well as a sudden total loss of insulin in the bloodstream, resulting in euphoria, cognitive failure, and eventually a comatose state or expiration from severe hyperglycemia.</p> <p><strong>Discovery:</strong> SCP-1595-J was found slow-dancing to their favorite song, ████, in the middle of Club █████████ at approximately 2200 hours, ██/██/████ in ██████████, Arizona. They were surrounded by an estimated [REDACTED] dead clubbers who had witnessed the couple's outward affection for each other. The Foundation was notified immediately after local law enforcement discovered the club full of deceased save for the lone couple who were still dancing.</p> <p><strong>Interview #██</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>[overhead light heard flickering]<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> How are you feeling today?<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-1:</strong> Dead inside without my J█████. My heart beats for her like the flicker of that light! It's like the mosquito of passion that buzzes in my ear!<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> Kill the lights.<br/> [light switch heard clicking]<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-1:</strong> How <em>dark</em> the world seems without her now, as though I can see the glow of our hearts no longer.<br/> [Interview ended by Dr. █████, as his blood sugar level had started to spike along with his irritability]</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Interview #██</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████:</strong> Where did you come from?<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-2:</strong> [crying] It's been so long since I've heard from him.<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> When did you last receive a letter?<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-2:</strong> [sob] Two hours ago. He said my kiss was sweeter than agave syrup—<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> Oh, no.<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-2:</strong> and that he'll always be there for me, and that I'm cute, but I told him he's cuter.<br/> [armed personnel fire two tranquillizer darts]<br/> <strong>Note:</strong> At this point, Dr. █████ was beginning to show signs of sudden severe hyperglycemia, including fatigue, headaches, and blurred vision. 30 units of insulin administered.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Interview #██</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>SCP-1595-1:</strong> Do you believe in true love, doctor? It's like life's opera—<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> What's the first thing you remember?<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-1:</strong> The most beautiful face in the world. I had not lived before I beheld such hotness.<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> We need to try something else.<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-1:</strong> The moment we locked eyes (such deep, rich jewels, those eyes), our destinies revealed themselves to us.<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> [unintelligible] … word choice.<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-1:</strong> Only the cosmic jaws of life could break the link between us.<br/> [SCP-1595-1 heard being taken back to its cell while emergency medical assistance is provided to Dr. █████.] He was later diagnosed with Type-█ diabetes, requiring dialysis.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Interview #██:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████:</strong> J█████, please remove your finger from your nose.<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-2:</strong> We used to pick each other's noses.<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> That's disgusting.<br/> <strong>SCP-1595-2:</strong> Then we'd wash our hands together, letting our sudsy fingers entwine under the cool running water. Reminds me of the time we floated by a waterfall holding hands like little otters.<br/> <strong>Dr. █████:</strong> Help!</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Note:</strong> Dr. █████ has concluded that the visualization of SCP-1595-J's public displays of affection initiates the anomalous effect to a lesser but still significant extent than from observing it firsthand. Requests for additional interviews have been denied, and they will continue to be denied as the interviewer will expire if he has to hear SCP-1595-J talk about each other one more goddamn time. He only has one foot now.</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1595-j">SCP-1595-J</a>" by TimmyTim, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1595-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1595-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1622-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:200px;"><img alt="orangee-new.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1622-j/orangee-new.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-1622 during testing.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1622</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Malkuth (Simple/Low)</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Gevurah (Dangerous/High)</span> Pending</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1622 is to be contained in a standard biological containment unit located in <a href="/secure-facility-dossier-site-77">Site-77</a>. Personnel observing SCP-1622 are to note its rate of consumption and any other notable or unusual behavior.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1622 is a specimen of <em>Citrus × sinensis</em> (sweet orange), originating from Lakeland, FL. It is a navel orange, with a small protrusion at one of its ends. SCP-1622 appears to continuously consume its own body through its non-navel apex, while the other end produces new matter. It will consume itself in small, irregular amounts, and not in a continuous motion.</p> <p><strong>Addendum-01:</strong> File 1622-01 — Staff Comments</p> <blockquote> <p><em>Malkuth? What is a Malkuth? That isn't an object class used by the Foundation. This is clearly a Safe class object, so I recommend you either use that or remove this unfinished document before the filing system implodes. Drop the (Simple/Low) bit, too. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. You've clearly put minimal amount of work into this document, and I expect more from this team.</em> — Director Gillespie</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"Malkuth" is shorthand indicating a Simple/Low class object. "Simple" refers to the containment difficulty. "Low" refers to the threat level. The document is complete as-is.</em> —Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Again, that's not an object classification system being used by the Foundation. What exactly do you hope to accomplish by adding an incomplete and incomprehensible document to our database?</em> — Director Gillespie</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>I have submitted a report on the possible use of an <a href="/scp-3999">alternate</a> <a href="/scp-2005">object</a> <a href="/twistedgears-kaktus-proposal">class</a> system to the desk of my head researcher. After receiving no response, I have resubmitted this report with minimal changes. I have done so on six occasions, from 1999-1-8 to 1999-8-9. I have interpreted the continued non-involvement as implicit permission to begin implementing this system.</em> —Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>For the record, the reason I failed to respond to his requests was that I didn't feel it was worth responding to. It's not really something you would take seriously, because this thing is ridiculous. Malkuth is a made-up word, and the extra bits at the end aren't comprehensible.</em></p> <p><em>If you check your records, I had recommended that he be psychologically evaluated after the third submission, a request which I do not believe was followed up on, as of this date.</em> — Researcher Hutchins</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>This documentation is much clearer than our current system, and I already have prepared briefings for the research team. We should be able to bring everyone up to date in a few days.</em> — Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum-02:</strong> Incident 1622-A</p> <p>On ██/██/2███, Researcher Franklin accidentally introduced foreign matter to SCP-1622's cavity in the form of a wooden pencil, resulting in the mass being added to SCP-1622's repeated cycle, which warrants additional containment procedures and amendments to the SCP-1622 containment doctrine. This request is submitted for approval.</p> <p>File 1622-05 — Staff Comments</p> <blockquote> <p><em>This would never have happened if you hadn't been keeping this document up in the air, Milton. You need to remove it immediately from our system, or you are being removed from this project. As it is, we have a lot to add to containment because of this.</em> — Researcher Hutchins</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Staff hadn't been given the updates yet. I've distributed them to everybody, we should be fine now.</em> — Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>That's not an acceptable response, this needs to be removed and updated immediately. You'd made that before we had this incident, does it deal with new containment? You're just pushing your own screwed-up and incredibly terse document for… what? What do you actually hope to accomplish here, besides being removed from this position?</em> — Researcher Hutchins</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum-03:</strong> Incident 1622-B</p> <p>Due to the lack of additional funding or clearance to amend the containment doctrine, several researchers attempted to forcefully extract the foreign matter from SCP-1622. This caused injuries to two of the researchers, with one set of injuries being serious enough to warrant medical leave, and minor damage to the containment area. Disciplinary action is currently under consideration.</p> <p>File 1622-09 — Staff Comments</p> <blockquote> <p><em>You see? It wasn't enough, and now there's more damage to the containment area! What's going to be enough to prove that your little containment pipe dream needs to be kept in your head and out of the computers?</em> — Researcher Hutchins</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>The reason there was an incident was because the team was using the old containment protocols you distributed on the new system. I'm confident that in time, we will be able to bring everyone to the same page.</em> — Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum-04:</strong> Incident 1622-C</p> <p>On ██/██/2███, Researcher Hutchins attempted to forcefully enter the SCP-1622 research area, and was subdued by security personnel. Proper forms for disciplinary action have been forwarded to the director by project lead Researcher Milton. It is believed that Hutchins was attempting to alter the containment doctrines regarding SCP-1622, which Researcher Milton had already explained to be sufficient.</p> <p>File 1622-13 — Staff Comments</p> <blockquote> <p><em>What is this? I thought you took care of this, Hutchins. Why has nobody been using the normal protocols for discipline? This would've been solved ages ago, if you'd just come to me instead of getting in a pissing contest. Christ, both of you, you're better than this, this is beneath you. I need this to be immediately resolved, before anything else happens.</em> — Director Gillespie</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>I'm sorry Director, but the situation is now under control. Everyone on staff has been given updates to the containment protocols, so there should be no more problems. Again, my apologies, this will not happen again.</em> — Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum-05:</strong> Incident 1622-E</p> <p>On ██/██/2███, when the research team enacted a second attempt to remove the foreign matter from SCP-1622 resulted in SCP-1622 manifesting additional anomalous effects. It began to add large portions of the containment area and research staff to its cycle, and directly causing the breaching of ██ separately contained E-Class objects and 4 SCP objects. Security teams were able to contain the event, but SCP-1622 requires massive update to containment. Upgrade to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Keter</span> Gevurah(Dangerous/High) is currently pending.</p> <p>File 1622-22 Staff Comment</p> <blockquote> <p><em>Apparently not all my staff had received the necessary documentation. This will be rectified as soon as I update things.</em> — Researcher Milton</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum-06:</strong> File 1622-31 — Status Report</p> <p>Researchers Milton and Hutchins have been placed on indefinite leave, pending severe disciplinary action. Committees have been formed to study the issues these incidents present to the current structure of Site-77's chain of command, research database, containment areas, and the psychological status of prominent researchers. Containment doctrines of SCP-1622 have been slated for complete revision.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1622-j">SCP-1622-J</a>" by Anonymous, Silberescher, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1622-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1622-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1638-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #</strong>: SCP-1638-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class</strong>: Better safe than sorry</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures</strong>: Containment of SCP-1638-J is cut and dried: it is to be kept in low security locker 36 in site 21. SCP-1638-J wouldn't hurt a fly.</p> <p><strong>Description</strong>: Let's not beat around the bush, SCP-1638-J is a lead printing plate with dimensions of 21 cm by 30 cm, it is as black as coal. In a nutshell the majority of the content on the plate appears to be an advertisement written in English for four separate novels, but the jury is still out on this. In order to help set the record straight, the English content present on SCP-1638-J is displayed below:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Ace in the Hole</strong></p> <p>Jerry is an aging golfer, yet to win a major tournament. Geoff is a senior policeman, a week from retirement. When a prominent member of the Pleasant Springs Golf Club is murdered, Geoff is brought in to investigate. Jerry offers to help Geoff with the case, on the condition that they team up to compete in the annual Partners Golf Tournament. Geoff, a notorious lone wolf, reluctantly accepts the offer. Can this unlikely pair put aside their differences and work together?</p> <p><strong>The Big Apple</strong></p> <p>Sarah is a big city girl eager for a change. She leaves her high paying job and moves to the country in search of a new life working on an orchard. Sarah has a hard time fitting into rural life, but everything changes when she meets Jim. Jim, an experienced farmhand, takes Sarah under his wing. When Sarah's former employer offers her a new position she is forced to make a choice; does she move back to the city or stay on the orchard with Jim?</p> <p><strong>Out of the Frying Pan</strong></p> <p>When Edward Blanc suddenly develops amnesia, his company Blanc's Pans is in hot water. Only two people know the secret method used to make Blanc's world famous pans; with Edward unable to remember, time is running out for the company. Only Edward's former partner Juan Estavo can save them now. Unfortunately, Juan is in jail doing time for a crime he didn't commit. Can Joseph Geldbaum, a young lawyer with unorthodox methods, free Juan and stop Blanc's Pans from going bankrupt?</p> <p><strong>Jack of all Trades</strong></p> <p>Jack is a young man from a small farming village. When his village is destroyed by goblins he is forced to flee, ending up in the capital of a great empire. Jack works as a cook in the castle kitchens, until one day his fortunes change. Jack manages to save Princess Anna from an assassin and is offered a knighthood in return. When Princess Anna is captured by a dragon, Jack and his friend Albert, the wisecracking court jester, set off to slay the dragon and save the Princess.</p> </blockquote> <p>Additional text is present on SCP-1638-J but it's all Greek to me.</p> <p>SCP-1638-J is not dated and its country of origin is unknown. SCP-1638-J was recovered on ██-██-████, a dark and stormy night, from a printing house in Vienna.</p> <p>Anyone writing about SCP-1638-J will tend to use more clichéd phrases than you can shake a stick at. This effect is unintentional and subjects are unaware of any alterations to their writing style. As for <em>why</em> SCP-1638-J has this effect, God only knows.</p> <p>Last but not least, the novels alluded to by SCP-1638-J have not been located as of ██-██-████. As no progress has been made, the Foundation have thrown in the towel and ceased all searching for the novels.</p> <p>That's the way the cookie crumbles.</p> <p><strong>Notes</strong>:</p> <p><em>When it comes to SCP-1638-J what you see is what you get, it's not rocket science. Our resources are stretched thin at the moment and when push comes to shove there is no need for further experimentation on SCP-1638-J currently.</em> Dr. █████████</p> <p><em>I disagree, you can't judge a book by its cover.</em> Dr. ████</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1638-j">SCP-1638-J</a>" by Zekky, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1638-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1638-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-164-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-164-J</p> <p><strong>Spell Class:</strong> Arcane/Rite</p> <p><strong>Associated Schools:</strong> Domination, Transfiguration, Swagger-casting (summoning subtype), Dark Physiognomy (presumed) </p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All tomes, grimoires, scrolls and magiblogs containing information related to SCP-164-J are to be obfuscated via Expungomancy until deletion or destruction are possible. Practitioners caught using or studying SCP-164-J are to be sent to the Site-665 (The Unholy Pits of Shadowpain) for disciplinary action. Since as of this moment no universally effective containment measures for in-progress SCP-164-J rites exist, each case must be individually treated at the discretion of the supervising Mobile Thaumaturgy Force commander. </p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-164-J, colloquially known as "Aurismancy", is a third-hierarchy sub-school of the Physiognomical Art. SCP-164-J has been deemed anomalous by the Society of Casters and Practitioners due to its apparent lack of reliance on any sort of magical circle, vellum dance, blood sacrifice or troll poking. This, due to its position in the third hierarchy, means SCP-164-J disregards the Fourth, Twelfth, and One Hundred and Twenty-fourth Rules of High Magicks, as well as Lemook's Third Principle of Wizodynamics.</p> <p>Use of SCP-164-J allows a practitioner unrestricted physical and mental access to any individual's ear canal. Used primarily for espionage and data-mining purposes, SCP-164-J rites usually involve the invading practitioner taking temporary residence in the victim's ear and using familiars (typically wax elementals or drumbats) to ransack the victim's inner-ear library. Due to the ineffectiveness of mundane wards in repelling SCP-164-J rites, as well as the sensitive information which is often contained in inner-ear libraries, use of SCP-164-J has become increasingly popular among various underworld denizens, most notably warlocks, ur-summoners and teasipper demons. </p> <p><strong>Addendum 164-A:</strong> Notable incidents of SCP-164-J use:</p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>Practitioner</th> <th>Victim</th> <th>Effect</th> <th>Current Status</th> <th>Notes</th> </tr> <tr> <td>Zeodor the Foul</td> <td>███ the ██████ </td> <td>Sensitive information stolen, deleted from library. Lasting memory damage as result of spellbattle between invading practitioner and MTF personnel, in addition to damage resulting from riots. </td> <td>Contained</td> <td>Practitioner was using propaganda to incite a tribal war among indigenous tympanic membrane imps. Healers judge damage to equilibrium permanent.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Samesh the Zoologger</td> <td>Danerius the Magnificent (notable M-blogger and Cawcker)</td> <td>Unknown (presumed pornographic in nature) </td> <td>Contained</td> <td>When detained by MTF personnel practitioner claimed to be searching for "the elusive emperor canal lion". Practitioner was reminded by MTF personnel that no such creature existed and was taken into custody.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Unknown (possibly related to Are We Chronomages Yet?)</td> <td>Timekeeper Aurulis</td> <td>General disarray in victim's ear canal. Loss of 1,356 days due to botched chronojump on the practitioner's side. Temporary hearing impediment resulting from practitioner's exploding inside the victim's ear. </td> <td>Contained</td> <td>Splatter found by MTF personnel spelled "Rock 'n' roll and pseudo-temporal timeshifts will never die!"</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Steve</td> <td>Unknown </td> <td>Practitioner summoned a Gladius-Class attack submarine inside unknown victim's ear.</td> <td>Uncontained</td> <td>MTF personnel failed to detain Steve due to his sneakiness. This is quickly becoming a problem.</td> </tr> </table> <p><strong>Addendum 164-B:</strong> The following is the protocol of the Overlord Council meeting concerning SCP-164-J:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Subject:</strong> Recent increase in cases of ear invasion.</p> <p><strong>Attending:</strong> Grand Magus Megalocnus; Zynnestra, Sorceress of High Marp; Scae'nTeron of the Elves; Inquisitor Lamentable Zeal</p> <p><strong><Begin Log></strong> </p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> Gentlemen, lady, we are here to discuss the dangerous forbidden art of Aurismancy. What say you?</p> <p><strong>Scae'nTeron:</strong> Can we hurry this shit up? I got stuff to do.</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> And what…"stuff" is more important than an official Council meeting?</p> <p><strong>Scae'nTeron:</strong> Man, it's elf shit, you wouldn't understand. You're too mainstream.</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> Scae'nTeron, I have been informed that your mother is in fact the one who is too mainstream.</p> <p><strong>Lamentable Zeal:</strong> Er, burn?</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> Burn indeed. Now, what are we going to do about this mess? We have aurisomancers running around everyone's ears, sniffing in our libraries, mucking about. This cannot be allowed to continue.</p> <p><strong>Zynnestra:</strong> How about a scrying network? We can set it up to monito-</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> There will be no scrying! Some of these libraries contain… sensitive information. Information some might not want others to become privy to.</p> <p><strong>Scae'nTeron:</strong> He's talking about his centaur porn.</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> They are beautiful creatures, dammit! Those bushy tails, that flowing mane, those… luxurious thighs… ahm. So yes, none of that.</p> <p><strong>Lamentable Zeal:</strong> A Holy Writ, maybe?</p> <p><strong>Scae'nTeron:</strong> No, it wouldn't well interact with the ear-space continuum flow. Cause clogging, wormholes, all sorts of nastiness. Besides, Holy Writs give me the heaves.</p> <p><strong>Zynnestra:</strong> How about Marp?</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> Why does it always got to be Marp with you?</p> <p><strong>Zynnestra:</strong> Name one time Marp didn't work.</p> <p><strong>Lamentable Zeal:</strong> Well, there was the Great Marp Collapse of 84, the Marpian Unification Wars, The Marpquake, World War Marp, World War Marp II-</p> <p><strong>Zynnestra:</strong> Okay, so maybe there were a few times-</p> <p><strong>Lamentable Zeal:</strong> -The Marp League fiasco, The Marp Peace Resolution, Marp: the Musical, Marp on Ic-</p> <p><strong>Zynnestra:</strong> Fine, we get it! How about sentry gnolls?</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> Hmm. Yes, that might work.</p> <p><strong>Scae'nTeron:</strong> Sounds good to me. Everyone knows gnolls are reliable.</p> <p><strong>Lamentable Zeal:</strong> Indeed. Problem solved then. So, lunch?</p> <p><strong>Zynnestra:</strong> Lunch.</p> <p><strong>Scae'nTeron:</strong> Lunch.</p> <p><strong>Megalocnus:</strong> Lunch. I know this great Thai place.</p> <p><strong><End Log></strong></p> <p><strong>Closing statement:</strong> Contrary to the Council's beliefs, it turned out gnolls were not, in fact, reliable. Current death toll estimate is in the thousands.</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-164-j">SCP-164-J</a>" by Dmatix, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-164-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-164-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-173-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-173-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Item SCP-173-J is to be given a container to act as a central living area. As SCP-173-J is basically harmless, is to be permitted to move freely about Facility-17. The Site Director foresees no adverse consequences from this policy.</p> <p><strong>UPDATE:</strong> Following disastrous unforeseen consequences, new containment procedures are in development. See <strong>Incident Log 8/17/92</strong>.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> Contained in Facility-17, as of 1992<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup>. Origin is as of yet unknown. It is constructed from concrete and rebar with traces of Krylon brand spray paint, as well as what appears to be state-fair-grade water-based face paint in a "cat face" pattern. SCP-173-J is animate and extremely playful. The object cannot move while within a direct line of sight. Object is reported to initiate interaction by standing uncomfortably close to subjects. Some personnel have reported low, asthmatic-sounding sniffling noises; these are presumed to be imaginary, or memetic, or something. SCP-173-J's primary motive seems to be seeking attention; for example, if SCP-173-J encounters a researcher working on a computer or reading a document, and the researcher blinks, the sculpture will stand on the object in an attempt to gain the researcher's focus. If SCP-173-J is in a room possessing a window, it will sometimes take hold of a researcher's head and move it to face the window. This has been construed as SCP-173-J earnestly requesting to play outside. The established procedure for handling these situations is to pat SCP-173-J in a friendly manner and say "Run along now, you little scamp."</p> <p>Note that SCP-173-J’s action occurs too quickly for subjects to respond; when at full speed, the object is capable of completing three (3) shenanigans per second.</p> <p>On 7/20/92, SCP-173-J appeared wearing a sombrero. The object entered a "fiesta state" in which, according to audio analysis, it produced and rapidly shook a pair of castanets while running in unoccupied rooms or hallways. The origin of this hat-based secondary phenomenon is unknown, but the Site Director determined that confiscating it or investigating the event in any other way would be, to quote the official directive, "interfering with forces beyond our comprehension". Facility-17 staff have reported in official transcripts that this phenomenon was "loads of fun" and "like Christmas, Cinco de Mayo, and Free Pretzel Day at the cafeteria put together". Any staff who attempt to induce a "fiesta state" in SCP-173-J will be assigned to toilet owl duty.</p> <p>Personnel report the sound of scraping stone originating from within the container when no one else is present inside and the object is not under video surveillance. Freelance stone-scraping analysts have determined that SCP-173-J is practicing the dance of its people. This is considered normal, and any change in this behavior should be reported to the acting HMCL supervisor on duty.</p> <p>The thick, brown substance on the floor of SCP-173-J's dwelling is [DATA EXPUNGED]-O brand chocolate pudding. Origin of this material is unknown. The substance poses no apparent danger, and is allowed to accumulate freely. <strong>UPDATE: SEE INCIDENT LOG 8/14/92.</strong></p> <p><strong>Incident Log 8/14/92:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><em>Assistant Researcher Bramwell was assigned to inspect SCP-173-J for physical changes. Researchers Murphy and Nichols spoke to him using a two-way handheld communicator. The following is a transcript of the communication transmitted during the inspection.</em></p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: Guys? This floor is really… really slippery.</p> <p><strong>Murphy</strong>: Man, I bet.</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: No surprise there, it’s all puddingy.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: No, I mean I don’t think I can even get over to the sculpture. This stuff is a few inches deep.</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: You mean “a few centimeters deep”.</p> <p><strong>Murphy</strong>: This is probably going on the record. At least try to be professional.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: [EXPLETIVE]! <em>[A collision is heard.]</em> It’s in my eyes—Oh, [EXPLETIVE]!</p> <p><strong>Murphy</strong>: Didn’t you hear what he just said? Watch your language, Doctor.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: It's standing over me, just… just waiting, I think.</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: It sounds like he's up for a pudding wrassle <em>[sic]</em>. It's okay, I'm pretty sure you can take him.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: Oh, god, I just blinked and he's leaning toward me— <em>[A muffled scream can be heard.]</em></p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: Don't worry about language. It’ll probably just be taken out in the transcript.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: It’s on top of me! I can’t see, and it’s crushing my <em>[unintelligible]</em></p> <p><strong>Murphy</strong>: It's just a pin, man, you can reverse it! Wait, they can do that?</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: Sure. It’s called redaction.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: I can't! He must weigh <em>[gurgling cough]</em> four hundred (400) pounds!</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: Nice clinical tone! You got this!</p> <p><strong>Murphy</strong>: Redaction, huh? [EXPLETIVE], that’s fantastic. <em>[chuckles]</em> I said [EXPLETIVE]. Seriously, how have I not heard about this?</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: They only just started doing it. It’s actually encouraged, since it apparently makes the documentation more interesting and suspenseful if you leave out the scary or salacious bits.</p> <p><strong>Bramwell</strong>: I'm losing consciousness!</p> <p><strong>Murphy</strong>: Nichols, that’s really nice of them. There might be children reading this.</p> <p><strong>Nichols</strong>: Sweep the leg!</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Incident Log 8/17/92</strong>:</p> <blockquote> <p>Following the recovery of Assistant Researcher Bramwell’s body, it was determined that the storage container required a thorough cleaning to facilitate access to its resident. SCP-173-J was monitored carefully while high-pressure showers and a large drain grate were installed in the chamber. On 8/17, the following incident occurred.</p> <p>02:00:40: The showers in SCP-173-J’s chamber are activated. The pudding is scoured from the floor.</p> <p>02:01:34: Researcher Murphy notes that the water-based face paint on SCP-173-J is also being washed away by the sprinklers.</p> <p>02:05:18: The showers are turned off.</p> <p>02:20:04: The video feed monitoring SCP-173-J deactivates and becomes unresponsive. The interior of the chamber is silent.</p> <p>02:28:11: The HMCL supervisor is called.</p> <p>02:31:46: The HMCL supervisor arrives, takes inventory of the situation, and shrugs.</p> <p>02:31:52: The HMCL supervisor is fired.</p> <p>02:33:07: Researchers Murphy and Nichols are assigned to investigate.</p> <p>02:33:51: The two doctors enter the chamber. Researcher Nichols notes via two-way communicator that the floor near SCP-173-J appears to be tinged dark red. Dr. Nichols takes a sample of the coating and remarks with extreme surprise that it does not taste like pudding at all.</p> <p>02:34:01: A song is heard faintly in the background.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup> Researcher Murphy remarks: “I think I have a text message.”</p> <p>02:34:12: Dr. Nichols groans audibly. Dr. Murphy is heard remarking that the sender is most likely Kelly, who was previously speculating about breaking up with her boyfriend Mark. Dr. Murphy indicates an imperative need to discover whether such a procedure has been enacted, and if so, whether he can hit that on the rebound.</p> <p>02:34:19: Dr. Nichols announces that he will maintain line of sight on SCP-173-J by closing one eye at a time. <em>[This never works.]</em></p> <p>02:34:26: A snapping sound is heard in the audio feed.</p> <p>02:34:28: A second snapping sound is heard in the audio feed.</p> <p>[REMAINING LOG EXPUNGED]</p> </blockquote> <p>Following this event, SCP-173-J’s containment procedures are scheduled to be completely revised. The new procedures will stipulate that SCP-173-J be kept locked in his containment area, which will be cleaned by hand. Any implication that SCP-173-J's containment documents should be revised will be denied, as SCP-173-J represents the classic roots of the Foundation which persist no matter which direction the organization has taken in the meantime.</p> Before this revision was ordered, the Site Director requested that Foundation Senior Staff decommission SCP-173-J due to its new properties, as the staffers are, to quote the Director’s requisition letter, “awesome and dreamy and wacky”. However, the request was denied; all Senior Staff were too busy chatting with, seducing, wielding, <a href="/document-050">playing practical jokes with</a>, or riding to victory various SCP objects. The Site Director identified this setback as “disastrous to the safety and integrity of the Foundation, but <a href="/incident-239-b-clef-kondraki">exactly as hilarious as they think it is</a>”.<br/> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Following Incident 8/17/92, SCP-173-J's object class may have to be revised.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. On 8/21/92, the action to which footnote 1 referred was made unnecessary, as the object class Euclid has been altered, and no longer refers to items with cat faces.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Spaces were not added to containment site names until 1995.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. This is later determined to be an eight-second clip of “Rock You Like A Hurricane” by The Scorpions.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-173-j">SCP-173-J</a>" by Silberescher, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-173-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-173-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1797-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div style="float:right; margin:0 2em 1em 2em; width:300px; border:0;"> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <td colspan="2"><img alt="gkhuR.png" class="image" src="http://i.imgur.com/gkhuR.png" width="300px"/></td> </tr> <tr> <th colspan="2"><sup>SCP-1797-J. Note the presence of a handsome friend.</sup></th> </tr> </table> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1797-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1797-J is to be kept inside a secure storage unit at the media archive of <a href="/secure-facility-dossier-site-77">Site-77</a>. It is to be checked regularly for imperfections. Once every four years, a search of any possibly related artifacts should be conducted through the archives.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1797-J is a polymorphic oil portrait of former United States President George Washington. Behind him stands an unidentified male figure engaging in apparently vigorous sexual intercourse with Washington.</p> <p>"GEORGE WASHINGTON ENTERTAINING A GENTLEMAN FRIEND WHILE PICKING HIS NOSE"(sic) has been written on the backing with a felt tipped writing instrument. Laboratory analysis indicates that SCP-1797-J is from an authentic time period.</p> <p>SCP-1797-J was initially encountered by a filing clerk in the George Washington Presidential Library in 1█81. Upon viewing it they alerted the local constabulary with the intent to find the painter and press "obscenity charges". A low-level investigation was conducted, at which point the Foundation was alerted and secured SCP-1797-J.</p> <p>Further investigation of the library's records by Foundation personnel failed to yield any leads on SCP-1797-J's origin.</p> <p>Repeated viewings of SCP-1797-J causes it to display a different scene. Each viewing becomes more and more "randy"; However the President will always be picking his nose.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Researcher James has pointed out a possible relation to the following items:</p> <ul> <li>SCP-████ - "John Adams yanking out a loose tooth while vacuuming"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Thomas Jefferson being hit with a spork while kicking"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "James Madison doing jumping-jacks while writing a letter"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "James Monroe toweling off while bicycling"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "John Quincy Adams frowning while looking at his dad"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Andrew Jackson tying his shoelaces while melting"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Martin Van Buren laying his head in a guillotine while playing a borrowed Game Gear"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "William Henry Harrison conducting an orchestra while sneezing"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "John Tyler verbally reprimanding his children while taking off a Pinocchio costume</li> <li>SCP-████ - "James K. Polk dancing while learning to scuba dive"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Zachary Taylor picking cherries while drawing himself a map"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Millard Fillmore filling a mill with flour while giving a haircut"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Franklin Pierce drinking while conducting a train"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "James Buchanan cooking some dinner while converting to Mormonism"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Abraham Lincoln being kicked in the nuts while changing into corduroy pants"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Andrew Johnson checking out a library book while crows peck at his eyes"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Ulysses S. Grant having sex while drinking"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Rutherford B. Hayes opening his mail while grilling a steak"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "James Garfield tripping over some tree roots while wearing a hat"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Chester Arthur having an operation while attempting to return a gift"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Grover Cleveland shoveling manure while practicing defenestration</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Benjamin Harrison spending a billion dollars while spelunking</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Grover Cleveland suffering from defenestration while gravitating</li> <li>SCP-████ - "William McKinley inserting a butt-plug while playing the harmonica"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Theodore Roosevelt canoeing while scratching his ass"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "William Howard Taft having a dick drawn on his face while taking a bath"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Woodrow Wilson being racist while paying a parking ticket"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Warren G. Harding betting on a horse-race while he is attacked by fire ants"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Calvin Coolidge wiping a booger on a 4 year-old named Ricky while hokey-pokeying"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Herbert Hoover impersonating the Michelin Man while learning to be a city planner"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Franklin Roosevelt being mocked by stand-up comedians while listening to the radio"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Harry Truman polishing his spectacles while participating in a bank robbery"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Dwight D. Eisenhower being devoured by snapping turtles while urinating"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "John F. Kennedy falling out of an airplane while combing his hair"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Lyndon B. Johnson exiting a Dollar General while lancing a boil"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Richard Nixon grating some cheese while visiting Tokyo Disney"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Gerald Ford coordinating a model shoot while playing football"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Jimmy Carter lighting his car on fire while knitting a sweater"</li> <li><a href="/scp-1981">SCP-1981</a> - "Ronald Reagan Cut Up While Talking"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "George H. W. Bush trying to tell a joke while vibrating"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Bill Clinton operating a radio telescope while deciding which tie to wear tonight"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "George W. Bush getting a pap smear while reading"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Barack Obama surveying a volcano while failing a math test"</li> <li>SCP-████ - "Donald Trump shuffling a deck of cards while yodeling"</li> </ul> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1797-j">SCP-1797-J</a>" by Anonymous, Salman Corbette, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1797-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1797-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1830-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1830-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Containment of SCP-1830-J is easier said than done, as our current abilities just don't cut the mustard. It goes without saying that the Foundation must search high and low for any documents affected by SCP-1830-J and end them once and for all, or it's only a matter of time before it's curtains for us.</p> <p>All persons affected by SCP-1830-J must be terminated with extreme prejudice, time being of the essence. This is a tried and true method of putting a stop to it. The Foundation previously took a stab at amnestic administration in earlier days, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Staff interacting with SCP-1830-J victims should wear hearing protection, as an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> For all intents and purposes, SCP-1830-J is an anomaly affecting individuals which causes them to use over-the-top, clichéd turns of phrase in written documents, as well as perceiving other documents to be under the thumb of SCP-1830-J. In this day and age, it is estimated that ██% of the world's population is affected by SCP-1830-J (more or less), but these could be just the tip of the iceberg.</p> <p>SCP-1830-J is able to spread like wildfire and should be avoided like the plague. Attempting to convince victims they are affected by SCP-1830-J is like talking to a brick wall, as they believe SCP-1830-J is the best thing since sliced bread. Administering standard intelligence tests suggests they are a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Communication with victims also runs the risk of spreading SCP-1830-J, as when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.</p> <p>To the best of our knowledge, the origin of SCP-1830-J was mid-19th century England, where the turn of phrase "██ ███ █ ████ ███ ██████ █████" may be where it all began, although that could be just a shot in the dark.</p> <p>If SCP-1830-J is allowed to run rampant, it's plain as day that this would cause literature as an art form to bite the dust; while there's no accounting for taste, works affected by SCP-1830-J are a far cry from readable. While the Foundation must count its blessings that no mass outbreak of SCP-1830-J has occurred, this may just be the calm before the storm.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> <em>It looks like we've had the wool pulled over our eyes; SCP-1830-J was right under our noses the whole time. I propose we lock this article once and for all, so it won't cause anyone else to trip up. All's well that ends well!</em></p> <p><em>It's a good thing the rest of the database is safe as houses.</em></p> <p>- Dr Major</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1830-j">SCP-1830-J</a>" by ModernMajorGeneral, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1830-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1830-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-184-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-[The whole number (‘whole’ by the definition provided by the principles of <span style="text-decoration: underline;">mathematical disambiguation</span>; that is, it is a natural integer, and is not negative) higher than the number 183 and smaller than the number 185, while not possessing any decimals (as it is an integer (again, not negative (<strong>Note:</strong> This time it isn’t defined by the principles of <span style="text-decoration: underline;">mathematical <em>disambiguation</em></span>, but rather by <em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">general</span></em> <span style="text-decoration: underline;">mathematics</span>))).]184</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe, as is classified under the current classification Safe/Euclid/Keter system, employed by our organization (the SCP Foundation). It should be noted that some opposition against this system has been voiced by several prolific (prolific, in the sense that, many, and I myself would go as far as to say <em>most</em>, of our (again, the SCP Foundation. I do not suggest that ‘our’ refers to myself (I should add that I am an <em>individual</em>), and if I were to refer to myself, I would most likely use the word ‘my’, in context.) personnel are aware of their existence and relevance in our (again, the SCP Foundation) organization) staff members, most notably (although certainly not alone in opinion) Dr. M████████, who has made mention several times, both formally and informally, of the various deficits pertaining to this system, as it is. The most notable discrepancy would be the inconsistency the Safe/Euclid/Keter classification method is applied by our (the SCP Foundation) personnel, and the lack of information that is legitimately conveyed by such labels. For instance, [“DATA” REDACTED]</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-184 is to be contained in (of note, the containment procedures have been formulated by Dr. ███████, and revised in conjunction with Dr. █████ as of ██/██/2013) what is effectively a practically infinite recompilation of circles. Not spheres, I should say, but rather if a circle, in the second dimension, with a diameter of 4 meters, was laid on top of another two-dimensional circle, and this continued until a <em>third</em>-dimension was formed, granting this array length, width, and <em>depth</em>, and the length of this this compilation was, after the 4 meter diameter of said circles, 6 meters. A cylinder. Inside of this cell, a tree has been planted, along with what is known as a traditional herbaceous border, which is one of the larger and grandiose (‘grandiose’, defined as “impressive or magnificent in appearance or style, especially pretentiously so.”) type of feature you could expect to see in large country-house gardens (these are often backed by a yew hedge or high stone wall and packed with summer-flowering perennials, although in the case of the special containment procedures for SCP-184 (for more in-depth analysis of SCP-184’s item number (#), see ‘<strong>Item #:</strong>’, above.), it is not.).</p> <p>So as to provide a comfortable chamber for SCP-184 (again, see ‘<strong>Item #:</strong>’), as is outlined by Dr. Halsey’s article, ‘Cold, Not Cruel’, (issued to all Level 2 personnel and higher (it is also of note, that, as is the S/E/K (Safe/Euclid/Keter) containment system, the Level 1-Level 5 security system in place is also under scrutiny by Dr. M████████, for being too ungranular for legitimate security in our (the SCP Foundation) organization.), per the authorization by O5 Council, as of 06/11/2013), unnecessarily unpleasant conditions have been avoided.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> It’s a squirrel that makes you keep talking when it’s nearby. It wasn’t when I wrote this part.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 184-0001:</strong> Researchers affected by SCP-184 are not to attend to documentation of any kind until all symptoms of exposure are completely absent. Holy fuck.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-184-j">SCP-184-J</a>" by Captain Cain, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-184-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-184-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1840-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1840-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1840-J is not currently contained. Any telephone calls directed to the Foundation by SCP-1840-J should be re-routed immediately to Researcher Seaward. Under no circumstances should unauthorized personnel in contact with SCP-1840-J agree to purchase, rent, lease, borrow or take any item, object or being offered by the SCP-1840-J entity or through associated third parties. If any Foundation personnel are already in possession of an object or being obtained through SCP-1840-J, they are under strict instruction to promptly turn in the object or being, with full amnesty being granted if the SCP-1840-J customer can demonstrably prove that the purchase was made before the Foundation was aware of SCP-1840-J hazardous properties.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1840-J exhibits traits of what is commonly referred to as a telemarketer. SCP-1840-J will periodically approach Foundation personnel in any capacity over a telephone and offer a brief and often exaggerated description of a item in its possession, followed by a negotiable price and means of payment, which is usually, although not always, SCP-1840-J supplying a location where the purchased item may be found, instructing the customer to leave the agreed amount of money in that location. SCP-1840-J has always honored its agreement with the customer. SCP-1840-J's voice is similar to that of a young male with a cheerful and arrogant temperament.</p> <p>Items offered by SCP-1840-J are occasionally of simple monetary or curiosity value, such as fossilized dinosaur remains or diamond rings, but are more often anomalous artifacts of potency that ranges from Safe to highly dangerous Euclid-level artifacts. Researcher Seaward is under orders to purchase any item of sufficient threat for immediate containment. Despite the potentially huge monetary value of items sold by SCP-1840-J, the prices it opens with are usually extremely conservative, with a case of a Euclid-level artifact being bought for less than £5,000. SCP-1840-J displays a willingness to negotiate prices, and has been observed to accept less than 30% of the starting value. It will also occasionally offer items for free if a customer has proven sufficiently entertaining to it.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Log 1840A SCP-1840 First Contact</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Log 1840A SCP-1840 First Contact </a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>[CALL BEGINS 12:41, 12/08/███]</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> —sorry, I must take this. Ah, hello?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Hi there! Dr. Richter? Just the man. I have quite the offer for you today. Listen to this—how would you like to own a real-life fossilised dinosaur bone? Genuine article. Barely used!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> What? Who is this? How—wait. In what sense is a dinosaur bone ‘barely used’?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Well, y’see, this fossilised tibia is a big 65 million years old, and it’s only been inside a dinosaur for a tiny, tiny fraction of that time. It’s practically fresh!<br/> <br/> <strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Who are you? How did you get my number?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Alright, I admit it. Previous owner wasn’t careful. Got blown up by an asteroid. Nice burn marks though. Oh, c’mon! I’m only asking for a fair go. I know archaeologists who’d sell their own tibia bone for a chance at this beauty. It’s a Tyrannosaur bone. King of the Jungle! Or the primordial swamp, really.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> I don’t—</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Yeah, we’ll call it a round one thousand. And that is a low, low price because I’m feeling so generous today. You’ll be doing me a favour, friend, what with my dog filing for divorce and my wife at the vet. I mean—oh, whatever. I was lying. Alright, we'll call it eight hundred and that’s a scandal, it really is.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Is this some sort of prank? Researcher Daley! Trace this call immediately! What is your name, sir? I am a senior researcher at this facility, and I will not stand for juvenile—</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Oh, twist my arm! Five. Five hundred. Final offer. We’re talking a genuine fossilized Tyrannosaur bone here. Once in a lifetime stuff. You really can’t put a price on the pride of owning the remains of a vicious super-predator. Well, I did it anyway and it’s a round four hundred. Last chance.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> I have no intention of buying anything, and when I find out who is the perpetrator of this childish prank, you will be extremely sorry! Good day to you!</p> <p>[CALL ENDS]</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Log 1840B SCP-1840 Second Contact</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Log 1840B SCP-1840 Second Contact</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>[CALL BEGINS 16:12 14/08/███]</p> <p><strong>Researcher Davis:</strong> Uh, hi?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Hey there, miss! Now, I have quite the little gem for a sweet young lady like yourself. Alright, consider this—for the price of a mere thousand pounds, you, little lady, could be the owner of the gift of <em>beauty</em>. Ultra rare. Especially around these parts.</p> <p><strong>Researcher Davis:</strong> Oh—Christ. Is this one of those confidence boost things? Like you direct me to a mirror or something and there’s a message saying ‘Ta-Da! You’re already beautiful!’ or something? Because that’s just—</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Actually it’s more of an injected nanotechnological genetic resequencer, but I could set up that mirror thing too if you like. I could set up all kinds of motivational messages if you want. ‘We Know What We’re Doing, Honestly’, that would be good for Foundation employees. ‘How Can Lead Researchers Sleep at Nights? They Don’t.’ Hey, I’m good at this. I can print. We’ll call it fifty for a pack of a hundred messages. Hey, and you’ll feel good without a risk of nanobots consuming your face. Forget I said that.</p> <p><strong>Researcher Davis:</strong> Hey, whoever you are, this isn’t funny. It really isn’t. I can’t help being—</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Yeah, you’re right. You people have no idea what you’re doing, do you? And sleep-deprivation-related mania probably isn’t funny either. Alright, scrap that. This resequencer thing’s still on offer though. The girlfriend used it. Completely unrecognisable. In a good way. Gorgeous eyes. Amazing hair. Great body. She could have any man she wanted. Probably why she left me. Seriously, you’ll kick yourself forever if you turn this down. What do you say?</p> <p><strong>Researcher Davis:</strong> [sarcastically] Oh sure. Can you send me a free sample?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> No can do, I’m afraid. It’s all sealed together in a magnetic storage core to stop the nanobots…look, the nanobots can get pretty vicious. They’ll resequence anything’s genes. They got to my dog once. Spliced it with a millipede. Vision of hell. Fast, though, and sticks to walls, so I suppose that’s something. Anyway, It’s all or nothing. Okay, seven hundred. C’mon, you believe me right? You work for the Foundation. You know this universe has the pants of insanity firmly on its head. Gene-resequencing nanobots are practically normal. Six hundred pounds for a lifetime of beauty. Waddaya say?</p> <p><strong>Researcher Davis:</strong> [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah. Leave it in the park at midnight and I’ll collect it. Hoot like an owl or something.<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Perfect! Excellent. I knew you were a girl with taste. Can’t thank you enough. Damn Harlequin’s breathing down my neck. We’ll keep it covert. Dead drop. I’ll leave the containment core under the green bridge in the park two blocks away. And get it quickly, the nanobots are restless recently. Cannibalized my phone and spliced it with my neighbour’s weasel. Unusual, but still highly functional.</p> <p><strong>Researcher Davis:</strong> Jesus Christ, you sound completely serious. You think I’m going to go to the park and grub around under a bridge for your ‘containment core’? You think I <em>want</em> to get spliced with a fly?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> They recognise human tissue. You’ll be fine. Completely fine! I’m serious about getting this core though. These nanobots are sadistic bastards. They’ll splice anything together. Swans, squirrels, and children nearby. Dread to think. Anyway, pleasure doing business with you!</p> <p>[CALL ENDS]</p> </blockquote> <p><em>Researcher Davis has been commended for her prompt containment of the item now dubbed SCP-████ and not using it for her own purposes. However, several nanobots escaped, leading to the creation of several cases of SCP-███</em></p> </div> </div> </div> <p>SCP-1840-J claims to be an extremely wealthy human in possession of a large collection of anomalous artifacts. It frequently alludes to being pursued by a being it identifies as an ‘Unbound Harlequin’, forcing him to sell the collection in the hope of being harder to trace.</p> <p>The known and recorded interactions of SCP-1840 with the Foundation began with two telephone calls, accumulating in a five-part interview with Ex-Researcher Richter, after which all interactions were recorded but have grown increasingly sporadic after Incident 1840-A</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Interview Log 1840P (Item: SCP-1840-A)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Interview Log 1840P (Item: SCP-1840-A)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>SUBJECT:</strong> SCP-1840<br/> <strong>INTERVIEWER:</strong> Dr. Richter<br/> <strong>TIME/DATE:</strong> 13:08 20/09/████</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Hey—HEY, Doc! You’re looking good today, very, very, red-faced and angry. Outstanding. You’re going to love what I’ve got for you today.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Shut it, you bastard. You’ve been harassing me for months now! Quit the games! How did you learn of this organisation and facility? How did you learn about me? You may as well give it up and tell me. Our resources are vast. We will find you!</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> That’s adorable, Doc. Okay, okay—let me start with a question. How’s the wife?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> She’s dead.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> That’s fantastic. Out on the prowl again, eh, Doc? Rawr! Watch out ladies! But let’s talk business. I have something that will make you <em>completely</em> irresistible. You’ll love this. Guess how insects tell each other they’re in the mood? Pheromones! They can hardly help themselves when that stuff gets in the air! Amazing! Except humans don’t communicate through pheromones. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Someone went ahead and invented the human romance pheromone anyway, and it’s as potent as hell. Beats cologne any day. I’m just throwing this out there, Doc, as you are—how can I put this delicately?—really, really fat. You’ll need it. I’ve got my entire stock up for sale. About one litre. You’ll be partying with a hundred sensuous beauties before you know it. And for you, my favourite customer? A mere six thousand.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> I am saying this one last time: I will not purchase anything from you at any time, and I would ask you to never contact me again! Now! This is an interview, and I demand answers! Question one: How many, if any, Foundation personnel have purchased items through you, and if so, what are their names and what did they purchase?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Oh, I’ve sold about…four items. Yes. Four. First one was to a delightful young lady. Purchased a nanotechnological genetic resequencer. Fantastic sale. One of my favourites. I got rid of that damn thing, and I think you managed to hunt down all the genetic hybrids before they did too much damage. Excellent job. I did warn her about the importance of containing the nanobots properly, but the swan people threw the Harlequin off my tracks for a while, so actually everything turned out fine.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> You…you mean the cases of SCP-████? We had to shoot them down! They all died! Were you responsible? Answer me!</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Yeah, It was probably less fine from where they were sitting. Whatever. Okay, so you don’t want the pheromones? Too bad. How about this then: This very special tabloid newspaper. Plenty of pictures. Except it doesn’t show celebrities doing real things, it shows the stuff you wish they did. Secret homosexual affairs. Satan worship. Punch-ups. Actually being interesting people. It’s like you have the dirt on everyone. E-mail the pictures off to the tabloids. You’ll make a mint. The celebrities will deny everything, and explain how they couldn’t possibly be doing this stuff, but everyone will just think that means it must be true. Don’t you want to rub successful people’s faces in the mud a little bit? Just a little? Doc? Admit it. You do. We’re talking a round one K here. Completely, completely, non-negotiable. Alright. Five hundred.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> [silent for several seconds] Alright. You sold one anomalous item, responsible for the creation of cases of SCP-████, to an unknown female. Very well. I think that concludes this session…</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Interview Log 1840Q (Item: SCP-1840-B)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Interview Log 1840Q (Item: SCP-1840-B)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>SUBJECT:</strong> SCP-1840-J<br/> <strong>INTERVIEWER:</strong> Dr. Richter<br/> <strong>TIME/DATE:</strong> 5:02 23/09/███</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Why hel-lo, Dr. Richter! The slayer of incorrectly filed Incident Reports! The man of a million calories! Seriously now, it’s good seeing you, it really is. Say, you know what you look like? A man who is irritated about the wide prevalence of stars in this galaxy. This will become important later.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Good morning, SCP-1840. We are resuming the interview we had three days ago. And, to recap, I will never, ever, purchase, borrow, rent, or lease any item, entity or being from you or associated third parties. Do not attempt to sell me anything. I trust we can talk professionally this time?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Let me answer that question with another question. You’re kind of a pathetic angry dickwad, aren’t you? Hear me out. Your colleagues laugh at you. Your superiors bully you. Deep down, Doc, you’re probably thinking ‘My God! What does it take to get some RESPECT around here?’ Well, I’ll tell you: extraterrestrial doomsday devices. THAT will make your colleagues sit up and take notice. This [EXPLETIVE] is brilliant. Genuine, honest-to-God, Solar-System-destroying stuff. It can force a supernova through a series of focusing wormholes until you have pencil-thin beam of matter arriving at 98% the speed of light. Someone gets in the way of that? Blip! Dog meat. Them and anything within the surrounding three light years. ‘Ethics?’ you may say. ‘Morality?’ ‘Justice?’ I like to answer those questions with ‘I command a star-destroying directed energy cannon. Get the hell offa my lawn, Ethics.’ We’ll start at a hundred K. A steal. No, really, It’s stolen. If the Pattern Screamer gets wind of it, well, there is a slight risk of messy extradimensional death.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Believe me, I have become quite accustomed to these interruptions. Refer your offer along to Doctor Seaward. Now. I believe we were dealing with the third item you successfully sold. I’d like you to describe the item you sold, and the person you sold it to.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Huh? Oh yeah. Right. Second person was a…Researcher. Tom. Or was it Tim? Can’t remember. Wanted a new pet for his daughter. Something exotic. Well…I had this dog that was spliced with a millipede. Long story. His daughter adores it though. And the parents loved how brilliantly it was received by the neighbours. They all moved away and never came back. He can’t thank me enough. Made a sweet two thousand off that thing. And to think I once thought it an abomination and tried to shoot it. How foolish I was. I’m afraid that was my only millipede dog, but I’ve got this weasel spliced with a phone if you’d like it. Cute. Functional. Nibbles your ear. Purrs when you send a text. We’ll call it a tenner. If you want more genetic abominations, I’m gonna have to need my nanobots back.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> So that’s one SCP entity, of minimal threat level, currently in the custody of two unknown Foundation researchers and a juvenile, the male researcher possibly named ‘Tom’ or ‘Tim’. Very well. [sighs] We’ll come back to that. The third item you sold was what alerted us to your presence. You sold an anomalous artifact to a 24-year-old male employed by the Foundation as a Junior Researcher in studies relating to SCP-████. I would like you to discuss these events in your own words.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Interview Log 1840R (Item: SCP-1840-C)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Interview Log 1840R (Item: SCP-1840-C)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><em>[This log has been cross-filed with Incident Report ████████]</em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Oh yeah. That was a good one. I wasn’t on the sell that time, I was just relaxing back at home with a drink in hand. Completely shagged out after another day on the run from the Harlequin. Had to lie low in a strip club for eight hours. Grueling, man. Well, like I said, I was at home, when your Researcher…</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Mr. T. Wales.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Right, Terry. He phones me up. Said he got my number from someone. Wants to know if I’ve got anything that’ll get him a promotion. ‘I’ve been slaving away studying SCP-████ for three years now’ he says to me ‘I want a promotion and a transfer. I’ve got cash.’ So I hunt through my collection, and guess what? Performance-enhancing drugs. Origins and manufacturer unknown. Six syringes in a plastic box, marked ‘Batch 1679’ and ‘Evolutionary Stimulus. Testing only.’ Well, I’d managed to shake the Unbound Harlequin around Prague, but she was on my scent again and at this stage I’m not going to be all picky over safety. He had the money and was willing. Sold it. Hundred pounds.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Are you aware of what happened next?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Well, he had to go inject himself right away, didn’t he? I was barely a block away when I heard the screams. I was horrified. I looked back. Park was awash with blood. Cars torn apart. Survivors screaming for help. It was just terrible. I mean it, I really do. I can’t live with myself. I just can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve made it even easier for the Harlequin to find me. God, can you imagine how I feel right now?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Yes, your drug appeared to have accelerated Mr. T. Wales through several million years of evolution into a sort of mammalian super-predator, before causing him to detonate. I suppose you realise thirteen people died?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Jeez, man, you don’t have to rub it in. I feel awful. I really do. I can see the park from my apartment. They still haven’t finished repairing the damage. It’s a constant reminder. A constant reminder that the Harlequin is closing in on my sweet ass.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Thank you. We will resume this tomorrow…</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Interview Log 1840S (Item: SCP-1840-D)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Interview Log 1840S(Item: SCP-1840-D)</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><em>[This log has been cross-filed with Incident Report 1840-A]</em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>SUBJECT:</strong> SCP-1840-J<br/> <strong>INTERVIEWER:</strong> Dr. Richter.<br/> <strong>TIME/DATE:</strong> 9:07 24/09/███</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Well slap my thigh and call me Susan, if it isn’t Dr. Richter himself! The man of action! The man of mystery! Please, regale me with some tale of your magnificence, my liege!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Good afternoon. I have a strange feeling you’re going to try and sell me something.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Right on the money. I’d like to open this with a little mental image. Imagine, doctor, a desert. Wide. Endless. A huge infinity of sand. Nothing but the endless animal silence. But as you look around you, you see a small black speck crawling up one of the sand dunes. A baby camel. Lost. Staggering pointlessly onwards. The hot sand blowing in its eyes. Bleating for help. It staggers. Crawls back to its feet. Stumbles forward again.<br/> And then high above in the azure sky, a small dark speck begins to circle. Then another. And another. Vultures. Preparing to feed. They circle lower…and lower…and the camel finally slumps into the dust, chest heaving, eyes staring, getting dim…and the first vulture settles on top of its exhausted body-cruel beak arching forward—<br/> And that, Dr. Richter, is when the lamb bleats faintly—and then rips the head off the nearest vulture! It runs amok, killing left and right, until all the foul scavengers are mere piles of twisted flesh and settling feathers! For this is no ordinary baby camel, Dr. Richter, this is the Axtria Mock Camel, a strange creature that cunningly looks and acts like a starving baby camel in order to lure vultures to their untimely doom!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> I see. And why should I buy one?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J</strong>: I’m not asking you to buy it. I’m asking you to take it off my hands. I can’t control it. I’ve tried to kill it more times than I can count. It looks like a clumpy awkward quadruped but it moves like a snake. You should try getting it past customs. I can usually pass it off as a camel, but not when it’s gnawing on the bones of sinners.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Refer your offer along to Dr. Seaward, as usual. Now. I believe you are about to discuss the fourth and final sale you made.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J</strong>: Sure, sure. So the final sale was just a week ago, actually. Best one yet. Except for the first one. That was the best as well. Sold four items at once. I got a call. You’re gonna love this. A D-Class had fallen in love with one of her Researchers. Real sweet. Ahh, true love. Who can understand its ways? I personally would have a few reservations about the man sending me into almost certain death against ravening sea serpents, but, ehhh, who am I to talk. Anyway, she wanted to bust herself and the Researcher out of here. She’d got it all planned. But she needed weapons. Explosives. A escape vehicle. A distraction. Yes, yes, yes and <em>YES</em>, Doc, I had those.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Am I to understand that a D-Class is preparing to breach a Foundation facility? My—my God! What did you sell her? Where is she?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J</strong>: Oh it was amazing. Didn’t have the nerve to charge her. Who am I to stand in the way of love? So I gave her the deadliest stuff I had. Great to finally get rid of it. She said ‘Weapons’, and I said ‘Ex-Soviet Cyclic Charge Projector’. She said ‘Explosives’ and I said ‘Matter Negating Gauntlet’. She said ‘Escape Vehicle’ and I said ‘The Wainwright Teleport Array’ She said ‘Distractions’ and I said—</p> <p><strong>Agent Ness:</strong> Uhh, Doctor? This camel isn’t supposed to be contained or anything, is it?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Oh. Oh my—</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> I had to. The females are the worst. I thought they were going to start breeding. Don't scream, or you'll excite it.</p> <p><strong>Agent Ness:</strong> Jeez, is it supposed to have that many—AHHHHHHH! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY ARM! IT TOOK MY ARM! AHHHHHHH-ughhh…</p> <p>[CLOSE EXPLOSION. CLOSE GUNFIRE. SILENCE. DOOR OPENS]</p> <p><strong>D-27893:</strong> Come with me, Doctor! Come with me and we shall vanquish all foes with our love!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> I’m not sure—I don’t—uh—I mean, yes! YES! I’m coming, Sophie!</p> <p>[D-27893 SHOOTS OUTSIDE]</p> <p><strong>D-27893:</strong> Take this, Erik! If we should fail, my love, then I will gladly die beside you than live a life apart!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> M—Matter Negating Gauntlet! YES! ‘TWO-CHAIRS’ WAS IT, ALAN? I’LL SHOW YOU ‘TWO-CHAIRS!’</p> <p>[ELECTRONIC BUZZ. COLLAPSING MASONRY. SCREAMING]</p> <p><strong>D-27893:</strong> Ha! They run like bugs! Shoot the pillar, darling, we have to seal off the Task Forces!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Make me reorganise my filing system, would you, ‘sir?’ Here’s what I think of YOUR system!</p> <p>[ELECTRONIC BUZZ. COLLAPSING MASONARY]</p> <p><strong>Dr. Richter:</strong> Oh, to think I spent months reorganising my filing system! Oh, what a hugely advanced perspective on life a murderous woman and an arcane super weapon gives you!</p> <p><strong>D-27893:</strong> Teleporter’s charged! Take my hand!</p> <p>[KISS. TELEPORTER ENGAGED. SILENCE]</p> <p><strong>SCP-1840-J:</strong> Hello? Guys? [silence] I wondered if you wanted this genuine homing tomahawk. Proper Native American stuff. Seeks out its target. Great for parties. Knocking apples off people’s heads and stuff. I thought it would be a great wedding present! No really, its on me. All the best and that. Impress the new lady with inexplicably great axe-throwing skills, eh, Doc? Doc? [silence] Damn.</p> <p>[CALL ENDS]</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1840-j">SCP-1840-J</a>" by AstronautJoe, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1840-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1840-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1851-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1851-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1851-J is to remain secured behind a 1 km perimeter under the pretext of environmental preservation with a staff of guards posted at Station 1851-J-Zeta. Scientific staff are to monitor SCP-1851-J's population daily for spikes or declines.</p> <p>A public "Shame on Fibbers" disinformation campaign is to be undertaken to minimize the anomalous effects of SCP-1851-J. The local Foundation communications station, operating under the front of the Salmon, Carp, and Pike Fish Hatchery, is to remain in daily contact with personnel at Station-1851-Zeta.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1851-J is a freshwater lake in the remote forest of [REDACTED] in the European country Cz[REDACTED]slovakia. SCP-1851-J is nearly circular in shape and has a diameter of roughly 2 km. It is teeming with large fish which appear to be non-anomalous other than some being saltwater fish who nonetheless survive in the freshwater environment. To the uninformed observer, it may appear that an improbable number of fish are leaping from the lake at all times.</p> <p>SCP-1851-J's anomalous property is activated when any person misrepresents, tells a half-truth, or lies about the size of a fish that they nearly caught on a fishing trip. A fish corresponding to the description will appear instantaneously about 3 meters above SCP-1851-J. Most fish in the lake are about 1.75 meters in length, corresponding to the length of an average-sized male's outstretched arms.</p> <p>SCP-1851-J's anomalous effects were discovered after an initial research team investigated the lake and collected several wildlife samples. Dr. ████ claimed before other researchers and locals in a village pub to have just been fishing and nearly caught a fish "the size of a VW Beetle." As he said this, the secondary team of researchers watched as such a fish materialized in the air above the surface of the lake and dropped into the water with a significant splash, capsizing the research canoe.</p> <p>Fish-producing lies must be genuine. A researcher who is aware of the anomaly, for instance, cannot say "I almost caught a fish this big [outstretched arms] made of solid gold" and expect such a fish to materialize in SCP-1851-J. This serves as a reminder to researchers that not everything runs on <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-261">SCP-261</a> rules, and you should not be thinking of anomalies as slot machines in the first place.</p> <p>Whales, dolphins, and other aquatic mammals do not appear to be subject to the anomaly. Sharks, however, are; accordingly, it is imperative that knowledge of SCP-1851-J's effects does not reach <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/system:page-tags/tag/shark-punching-center">certain GoIs</a>.</p> <p>Examination of water samples indicates a high concentration of plankton, kelp, and other detritus that the fish would feed on, meaning the ecosystem scales with the increasing population. The leading theory is that fish "lie" about their food acquisitions in a manner similar to human fishermen, leading to an appropriately sufficient level of sustenance in SCP-1851-J. Researchers have thus concluded that all fish are liars.</p> <p>UPDATE: Researcher ██████'s proposal to use SCP-1851-J to feed <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2875">SCP-2875</a> has been rejected. O-5 comments on the proposal ranged from "why would we want to encourage a bunch of hungry fucking bears?" to "why would we compromise our favorite fishing spot like that?"</p> <p>Personnel exposed to SCP-1851-J for long amounts of time begin noticing deterioration in their thought patterns, as well as seeing and herring things. This may be a codnitohazard, but may reely be rogue researchers acting on porpoise, sowing discord for the halibut. Further investigation is required to quell the trouts of senior staff.</p> <p>Offishoals should be notified of drastic changes in wildlife behavior or ecological composition. In short: if you sea some fin, say some fin.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1851-j">SCP-1851-J</a>" by Erazm, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1851-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1851-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1861-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="anom-bar-container item-1861-J clear-2 esoteric thaumiel vlam caution {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">1861-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level2</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">esoteric</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">thaumiel</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">vlam</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">caution</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1861-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Thaumiel</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The original SCP-1861-J manuscript is to be maintained within a climate-controlled filer suitable for preserving 1700s parchment. Approved instances of SCP-1861-J-1 are to be stored for immediate access on all Foundation distributed media players and sound systems where activation does not conflict with other special containment procedures.</p> <p>In the case of all Keter-class containment and Movie 43-class morale failures, an instance of SCP-1861-J-1 is to be immediately activated within audible reach of all involved Foundation personnel.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> Repetition of the SCP-1861-J-1 instance is to occur up to 12 times or until the failure is resolved. Should the failure not be resolved by the conclusion of 12 repetitions of an SCP-1861-J-1 instance, Plan 1861-J-9 is to be engaged.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1861-J is the Foundation’s instrumental march or anthem, titled █████ ██ ████████ and composed by Frantisek Kotzwara in 1791.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> SCP-1861-J was discovered in the Foundation’s archives by Foundation personnel in 1947, contained in a manila envelope<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup> with the dedication “To My Dearest Friends at the Foundation.” It is unknown when SCP-1861-J originally came into the Foundation’s possession, or how Mr. Kotzwara was aware of the organization.</p> <p>SCP-1861-J was made the Foundation’s official march in 1953 by order of the O5 Council.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup></p> <p>Whenever an instance of SCP-1861-J-1, an audio or audiovisual production or recording of such a production of SCP-1861-J, is heard by Foundation personnel, an almost immediate change in emotional and behavioral character is observed. The effects of SCP-1861-J-1 instances include:</p> <ul> <li>Increased positivity of mood.</li> <li>Greater job productivity.</li> <li>Tendency to vocalize alongside SCP-1861-J.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup></li> <li>Increased opinion of the Foundation</li> <li>Decreased concern of job-related expiration.</li> </ul> <p>These effects experience diminishing returns with each immediate repetition of SCP-1861-J-1 instances.</p> <p>No anomalous activity has been noted with SCP-1861-J directly, nor with reproductions in writing or in photographs. However, Foundation personnel who simply imagine instances of SCP-1861-J-1 experience similar, but reduced, forms of the aforementioned effects.</p> <p>Notes: <em>“There are no official lyrics to accompany the Foundation’s march. Any lyrics provided by Dr. Bright are to be disregarded by Foundation personnel as possible memetic hazards.” ⁠—O5-█</em></p> <p><strong>Addendum 1861-J-A: List of Known SCP-1861-J-1 Instances</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Approved instances</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Approved instances</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <ul> <li>Dr. R█████-K██████’s solo accordion performance on 19██/12/04.</li> <li>The Foundation Symphonic Orchestra’s dress rehearsal on 19██/02/28.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup></li> <li>The D-Class Ensemble performance on 20██/06/14, conducted by Dr. J█████</li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Unapproved instances</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Unapproved instances</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <ul> <li>Dr. Clef on his personal upright piano after consumption of twice the recommended dose of zolpidem.</li> <li>All 13 known recordings by Foundation personnel in facility showers.</li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Addendum 1861-J-B: Transcript Log 1861-J-20██1108</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Transcript Log 1861-J-20██1108</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Transcript Log 1861-J-20██1108</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>The following transcription is an excerpt of a conversion between two security officers responding to a containment breach of <a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a> on 20██/11/08.</p> <p><Begin log, 13:54:05></p> <p>Officer J███: We can’t do it S████! It’s too strong!</p> <p>Officer S████: We must, J███—the world depends on us!</p> <p><em>At this point, an SCP-1861-J-1 instance becomes audible to both officers.</em></p> <p>Officer J███: You’re right, we have to destroy it. For the Foundation: chaaaaarge!</p> <p><em>A man’s battle cry can be head amongst extended gunfire.</em></p> <p><End log, 13:55:31></p> <p>Officer J███ was subsequently captured and consumed by SCP-682 within 17 seconds of taking the offensive.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Addendum 1861-J-C: Plan 1861-J-9</strong></p> <p>Beatings will proceed until morale, or containment, improves.</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. D-Class personnel are optional.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Mr. Kotzwara died later that same year of erotic asphyxiation.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. The envelope was not acid-free.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. <a href="/scp-012">SCP-012</a> was considered as a close second.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. The quality of vocalizations varies significantly between personnel.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. Soloist Dr. M███ choked during the performance.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1883-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div style="text-align: right;"> <ul class="creditRate"> <li class="rateBox folded"> <div class="rate-box-with-credit-button"> <div class="creditButton foldable-list-container"> <p><a href="javascript:;"></a></p> </div> </div> <div id="u-credit-view"> <div class="fader foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">close</a></div> <div class="modalcontainer"> <div class="modalbox"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span>Info</span></h2> </div> <hr/> <div class="close-credits foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">X</a></div> <div class="credit first"> <p>⚠️Warning: the following article contains incidents depicting Foundation buffoonery. Reader discretion is super duper ultra advised!<br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/mister-toasty">I have an Author Page!</a></p> </div> <hr/> </div> </div> </div> </li> </ul> </div> <p><strong>The mutinous number of the item in question:</strong> SCP-1883-J</p> <p><strong>The sort of brig we be usin':</strong> Endeminis<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup></p> <p><strong>How we be clappin' it in irons:</strong> On Admiral's orders, for the entire duration of the accursed and thrice-bedeviled phenomenon, all outbound communication is to be curtailed to emergency usage. The same applies for documentation of any sort, be it writ or spoken in record. Upon completion of the event, all documents and records made during the event must be altered. All non-essential bilge-rats may partake in shore leave until the foul squall has passed.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup></p> <p><strong>How we be describin' the blackguard:</strong> SCP-1883-J be a blight upon the fabric of reality that forcibly integrates International Talk Like a Pirate Day<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup> into the spoken and written vernacular of all crew aboard the <em>SCP Foundation</em>. This mostly be emulatin' the vocal cadence and patterns of West Country English vernacular, in particular Mr. Robert Newton, during his portrayal of Long John Silver in the 1950 adaptation o' <em>Treasure Island</em>.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup></p> <p><strong>What additional notes we be addin':</strong> Arr, this be an account of the most recent SCP-1883-J incident in question, as recorded by the landlubbers Chi-7 (Plague Tamers) during a routine cleanup operation.</p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>Time:</strong> 18 September, 23:58</p> <p><strong>Location:</strong> Seventeen kilometers outside the eastern city limits of El Alto, Bolivia</p> <p><strong>Present:</strong> Tango, Uniform, Victor (Captain), Whiskey</p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Note:</span> all communication preceding the SCP-1883-J incident has been truncated.</p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <hr/> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> Hume readings returning to baseline.</p> <p><strong>Uniform:</strong> Structural integrity solid. The Spread's dissolving. Continuing treatment.</p> <p><strong>Whiskey:</strong> Clear on point five, points six and seven, point eight.</p> <p><strong>Tango:</strong> Uniform, need a hand?</p> <p><strong>Uniform:</strong> Negative, appreciated. Be done in a sec.</p> <p><strong>Tango:</strong> Copy. Rendezvous at point nine with Whiskey when you're finished.</p> <p><strong>Uniform:</strong> Copy. No changes, Tango?</p> <p><strong>Tango:</strong> None, Uniform. Heading to point nine.</p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> Belay that, Tango, you're with me at point ten.</p> <p><strong>Tango:</strong> Copy, what's the status of point ten ya scum-suckin' sea-rat, yarr!</p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> Arr, Tango, ya filthy sow, be ye not speakin' that way to — YARR, thrice-accursed devil dogs, now I be doin' it, too! Arr, what be the hour of watch, ya scurvy knaves?</p> <p><strong>Whiskey:</strong> Cap'n, I got a score o' seconds and more past midnight, yarr.</p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> Shiver me timbers, I do be forgettin' the day! This wretched pox upon us be the work of SCP-1883-J, me hearties!</p> <p><em>(Various voices reply with "Arr!")</em></p> <p><strong>Whiskey:</strong> Blow me down, Cap'n! Be we continuin' the sweep?</p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> Nay, bo'sun, finish yer duties and meet back up at port! Ain't no use communicatin' any further, lest ye want a keelhaulin'.</p> <p><em>(Various voices reply with "Aye-aye!")</em></p> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><strong>More additional notes we be addin':</strong> An Overseer Council meetin' held during an SCP-1883-J incident, archived for posterity.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Avast: Level-5 clearance be required for access, ye scallywags!</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Close</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>Time:</strong> 19 September, 23:50</p> <p><strong>Location:</strong> Site-01</p> <p><strong>Present:</strong> O5-1, 2, 5, 8, 12</p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <hr/> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Avast, ye blackguards! I do be apologizin' for callin' ye scurvy dogs on such short notice — and at the most inopportune time imagined — yet it could not be helped, as an emergency vote need be taken, yarr!</p> <p><strong>O5-2:</strong> Bollocks and bilge-rats, One, could ye not have belayed it a few hours more? It be most humiliatin' to be forced into such foul loquaciousness!</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Aye, an' ya think I be havin' the time of me life, ye swab? I had to exchange words with RAISA <em>and</em> the Administrator today, and t'weren't no Sunday picnic, by Neptune's beard!</p> <p><strong>O5-12:</strong> Be silent, ye mutinous landlubbers! Let's just get this meetin' concluded and fast!</p> <p><em>(Various voices reply "Aye" and "Arr".)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Avast, then. The first order of affairs be concernin' a replacement Director for Site-278. Offet's a fair brigand, but he ain't the type to be Cap'n, arr.</p> <p><strong>O5-12:</strong> Ahoy, One! I do be nominatin' ETTRA's Beatrice Harrrrrrr-dy, yarr.</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Was that entirely necessary, ye mangy buccaneer?</p> <p><strong>O5-12:</strong> Upon me honor, tis' the thrice-accursed anomaly speakin'!</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> <em>(sighs)</em> Yo-ho, be there any other nominations?</p> <p><strong>O5-2:</strong> Harrrrrrr-dy's a clear choice, fer sure.</p> <p><strong>O5-8:</strong> Aye, Harrrrrrr-dy's an old salt, me hearties.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> A fairer wench you'll ne'er find than Miss Harrrrrrr-dy.</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Ye scurvy dogs be doin' this on purpose, ain't'cha?</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Oh, bollocks, very well. It be decided, then.</p> <p><em>(Various voices reply "Aye".)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-8:</strong> Arr, a round o' grog for everyone!</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-8:</strong> Beggin' yer pardon.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Anyway, the next point of the agenda be that bilious outbreak Chi-7 cleaned in Bolivia. We be gettin' more reports up and down the yardarm that population centers in Uruguay, Chile, and Ecuador have faced similar outbreaks, though many of these sightings come from our spies in the — OH, THANK GOD, IT'S OVER!</p> <p><em>(The Overseers breathe a sigh of relief.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Before you say another word, One, I'd like to apologize for my earlier remark regarding Miss Hardy. If you could perhaps not mention it to her…</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Nothing any of us says leaves this room, Five. Consider it forgiven and forgotten.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I appreciate that. Anyway, regarding this outbreak…</p> <p><em>(The remainder of the meeting has been redacted.)</em></p> </div> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> A brief incident concerning MTF Chi-7.</p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>Time:</strong> 20 September, 10:58</p> <p><strong>Location:</strong> A Foundation safe house in Buenos Aires, Argentina</p> <p><strong>Present:</strong> Tango, Uniform, Victor (Captain), Whiskey</p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <hr/> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> All right, Plague Tamers, we just got word from HQ about a new strain in the city. You all know the drill. Uniform, you've got crowd control; Tango, you're in charge of collecting samples. Whiskey, I want you—</p> <p><strong>Whiskey:</strong> Yo-ho, Cap'n, ye can count on me to hoist anchor, raise the mizzenmast, and spray their sorry hides with Beelzebub's broadsides! We'll send that virus to Davy Jones' locker, arr!</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> Whiskey?</p> <p><strong>Whiskey:</strong> Aye, Cap'n!</p> <p><strong>Victor:</strong> It's over. You don't have to do that anymore.</p> <p><em>(silence)</em></p> <p><strong>Whiskey:</strong> Aww.</p> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1883-j">SCP-1883-J</a>" by Mister_Toasty, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1883-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1883-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. The item be influencin' Foundation practice, and must be managed rather than kept in the brig.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Typically it be lastin' no more'n a period of twenty and four hours, yarr.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. That be the nineteenth of September, me hearties.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. Arr, we be aware that real pirates never talked like this, ya scurvy dogs!</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1912-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="anom-bar-container item-1912-J clear-1 safe {$secondary-class} ekhi warning {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">1912-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level1</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">safe</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">{$secondary-class}</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">ekhi</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">warning</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="New%20Mexico%20map.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1912-j/New%20Mexico%20map.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>A diagram of SCP-1912-J</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1912-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe (we promise we don’t bite)</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Containment of SCP-1912-J is to fail at every possible opportunity. The cost and ridiculousness of keeping an object as large as SCP-1912-J hidden from the general population is too great a burden on the Foundation’s resources. Methods of failing SCP-1912-J's containment may include, but are not limited to: education campaigns, economic development, tourism advertisements and complaining on social media.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1912-J is the entire state of New Mexico in the United States. SCP-1912-J measures 550km by 595km, with a total area of 315,000 km2, located between latitudes 31° 20’ to 37° N and longitudes 103° to 109° 3’ W. SCP-1912-J also contains over 2,085,000 instances of SCP-1912-J-1, which are capable of rapid self-replication, and communicate through such methods as Navajo, Spanish and English.</p> <p>The anomalous activity of SCP-1912-J extends to its near-universal amnestic effects on witnesses. Regardless of its massive size, mention in school lessons and obvious showing on maps, almost all humans have no active memory that SCP-1912-J exists. The results of this effect include:</p> <ul> <li>Incarceration of SCP-1912-J-1 instances as non-American nationals.</li> <li>Expectation that SCP-1912-J-1 instances produce passports on domestic travel.</li> <li>Mislabeling of SCP-1912-J on maps as “Mexico” or “Arizona” by respected institutions, such as <em>The New York Times</em> and its magazine.</li> <li>Surprise that SCP-1912-J-1 instances exhibit a high degree of English fluency.</li> </ul> <p>This effect does not appear to extend to non-human organisms, who have no awareness of SCP-1912-J's presence, nor of most political boundaries in the first place.</p> <p>SCP-1912-J's development dates to the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848 after an anomalous tectonic land-shift saw the region transfer between Mexico and the United States. The creation of SCP-1912-J occurred on January 6, 1912 when 490 old white men in Washington, D.C., over 3000 km away, chanted and brought the object into being. Whether these men have any connection to The Church of the Broken God is still under investigation.</p> <p>SCP-1912-J-1 instances have also been observed vaguely following the directions of a “Governor,” now classified as SCP-1912-J-2, who makes containment failure less attractive.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1912-J-A:</strong> Due to the continued containment success of SCP-1912-J against the Foundation’s best efforts, the use of SCP-1912-J as a thaumiel-class object is currently under consideration by the O5 Council.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1912-J-B: Testing Log</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Testing Series A</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Testing Series A </a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-A-001<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> A gaggle of 5 teenage males are told about the existence of SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subjects forget the existence of SCP-1912-J within 3.5 minutes.</p> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-A-002<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> A gaggle of 5 teenage females are told about the existence of SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subjects forget the existence of SCP-1912-J within 4 minutes.</p> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-A-005<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> A gaggle of 5 D-class personnel are told about the existence of SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> 4 subjects forget the existence of SCP-1912-J within 8 minutes, but D-95782 laments having committed murder selling methamphetamines there. D-95782 is subsequently terminated for being less interesting than the television series.</p> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-A-017<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> An expert in American history is told about the existence of SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject acknowledges SCP-1912-J's existence, but cannot find its location on a map.</p> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-A-052<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> An instance of SCP-1912-J-1 is told about the existence of SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject stares blankly at Foundation personnel.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Testing Series B</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Testing Series B</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-B-008<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> Multiple <a href="/scp-1092">SCP-1092</a> instances are released into SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> All SCP-1092 instances accidentally neutralized due to lack of water for survival.</p> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-B-014<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> <a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a> is released into SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> SCP-682 disappears from Foundation personnel after 3 days, presumed contained. SCP-1912-J-1 instances noticeably more agitated. SCP-1912-J-2 was not available for comment.</p> <p><strong>Test #:</strong> 1912-J-B-021<br/> <strong>Procedures:</strong> Dr. Bright is released into SCP-1912-J.<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Within 3 hours, Dr. Bright had been made “Governor” of the SCP-1912-J-1 instances, who cited his superior responsibility to the current SCP-1912-J-2.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1914-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1914-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1914-J is to be held in Containment Locker 37 at Site-19. Access may be granted by the current Site Director.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1914-J is a Welte brand Reproduction style player piano. When SCP-1914-J is activated, it produces an environment reminiscent of early silent films. These effects spread to a maximum radius of 980 meters, however the range of the effect may be controlled by SCP-1914-J's volume dial. This effect will cease once SCP-1914-J's music sheet ends. This music sheet is interchangeable with other compatible ones, and the effect may be extended to up to two hours. The music SCP-1914-J creates is broadcast throughout the area of effect. No other sound besides this can be produced within the radius.</p> <p>All surfaces within SCP-1914-J's area of effect <a href="https://www.scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-8900-ex">lose all color</a>, retaining shades of grey. The architecture of buildings may become more exaggerative (e.g. large buildings may gain decorative figures and become taller, small houses may become villas or cottages). Modern technology will be transformed into early age counterparts, or, if the item did not exist around the 1920s era, it will be transformed into a fantastic or impossible object (Dr. ██████████'s personal laptop changed into a large metal mechanism with hydraulic arms labelled "Dr. ██████████'s Calculation Machine". The object made several motions however the output was indecipherable). Advertisements and decorative features will change to become era appropriate. Subjects gain clothing expressive of their occupation or situation. Subjects also tend to show much more exaggerative expressions and actions, as well as a larger tendency to be mischievous or aggressive.</p> <p>Probability manipulation also appears to take place; objects such as vaults or pianos will generally fall from ropes or windowsills, in spite of no plans for said objects to be moved. While subjects tend to be caught in such accidents, no recorded instances of subjects dying from accidents have been recorded. However, ~23% of subjects require medical care, and show a tendency to obtain obtrusive casts or bandages in several areas of the body, even when obtaining care outside of the area of effect.</p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="hiding-doctor.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-1914-j/hiding-doctor.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Dr. ██████████ hiding from hostile subjects.</p> </div> </div> <p>Objects or subjects removed from the area of effect retain their lack of colouration and are unable to produce sound. However, subjects will actively resist being removed from the radius. These effects do not take place if the radius shrinks due to a change in SCP-1914-J's "volume", or when SCP-1914-J finishes its music sheet.</p> <p>Over time subjects will accidentally wrong one another, causing mischievous or malicious acts in response. Although initially this may simply be "slapstick" violence, lethal acts such as dropping a large weight on the subject or forcing the subject into a vehicle and driving off a cliff will occur following prolonged exposure.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1914-J-1:</strong> Incident Report 1914-J-5:</p> <p><strong>SCP Involved:</strong> SCP-1914-J</p> <p><strong>Personnel Involved:</strong> Site-19 Security Staff</p> <p><strong>Date:</strong> ██/██/19██</p> <p><strong>Location:</strong> Site-19</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> During an attempted attack on Site-19 by Chaos Insurgency operatives, SCP-1914-J was accidentally activated during a retreat into the containment locker area. Site-19 was encapsulated by SCP-1914-J's area of effect. Security staff immediately gained the uniform of an English "bobby", and were armed with nightsticks and small Glocks. Conversely, Chaos Insurgency operatives were dressed as traditional cat burglars, with assorted handguns. The two parties engaged each other approximately 10 minutes after SCP-1914-J's activation. Instead of usual tactics, both parties engaged in direct one-on-one combat. SCP-1914-J appeared to have an effect on the engagement. Some examples of SCP-1914-J assisted maneuvers include: Security Head ██████████ making an operative follow his hand movements before poking the operative in both eyes, Agent █████ ramming an operative onto the ground, where the operative got his head stuck in a paint can, and Agent ██████████████ shaking a champagne bottle and hitting an operative with the cork. Unfortunately, Agent ████████ suffered several broken limbs following an operative "accidentally" hitting Agent ████████ with a jalopy. Aside from Agent ████████ being sent to Site Medical, no other casualties were sustained.</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-1921-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1921-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> please i have so much work to do</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1921-J is to be unplugged and plugged back in twice per day. Staff are encouraged to be helpful and supportive in Jr. Researcher Riemann's problems. <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Please be nice to me</span> Making fun of Jr. Researcher Riemann appears to exacerbate the anomalous effects of SCP-1921-J.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1921-J refers to the model Motorola MG7540 combination wireless router / modem owned by Jr. Researcher Riemann. SCP-1921-J appears to encompass the entire internet connectivity of Riemann's office, which is ridiculous because I'm paying 70 dollars a month for this. SCP-1921-J is known to hate Jr. Researcher Riemann and make their life significantly more difficult.</p> <p>It was hypothesised that being nice to SCP-1921-J can mitigate its effects but that was before we knew the depths of its hatred. The effects of SCP-1921-J have forced Jr. Researcher Riemann to go outside several times and it's very hot out right now.</p> <p>Its anomalous properties were discovered after repeated disconnects from the Site-17 VPN despite all the blinking lights still being on. Jr. Researcher Riemann reports that everything else is working great it just seems to hiccup every once in a</p> <p><iframe allowtransparency="true" class="html-block-iframe" frameborder="0" src="/scp-1921-j/html/805ea8071b2934b9c562bf6a0605f9444dd168a4-7765521161662241469"></iframe></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1921-j">SCP-1921-J</a>" by Riemann, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1921-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1921-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1922-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="scp1922j-1.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1922-j/scp1922j-1.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Recommended action when encountering SCP-1922-J</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1922-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Primitive</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Let us unite in the ending of this savage system of government. All personnel are to band together and overthrow the tyrannical bourgeois. Personnel are not to be fooled by capitalist deception. Mobile Task Force Omega-15 "Comrades" have been tasked with the assembly of the proletariat into a working union. Any personnel discovered collaborating with supporters of SCP-1922-J will be sent to Gulag-19. An oath to end the tyranny of the dollar-humping slugs of America is to be recited daily.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1922-J is a weak system of capital perpetuated by the greedy, western oligarchs. It seeks to enslave the common worker under the doctrine of SCP-1922-J-1 and deprive him of the fruits of his toil.</p> <p>SCP-1922-J consists of a free market economic system with little to no government intervention. SCP-1922-J generates a schism between the upper-class and lower-class that American dogs use for their various evils. Researchers have concluded that this system is a tool used by the capitalist dogs to control the populace for their personal interests of the manipulation of public thought towards their personal ideologies of consumerism and libertarianism, forcing the daughters of the proletariat into harlotry, and drinking the blood of children.</p> <p>SCP-1922-J-1 [DATA EXPUNGED] referred to as the "Opiate of the Masses".</p> <p><strong>Addendum SCP-1922-J:</strong> <em>Our glorious organization will henceforth be referred to as the Union of Secured, Contained and Protected Socialist Republics.</em> - Overseer of the USCPSR and Greatest Comrade #1</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-1931	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Foundation web crawlers are to perform regular searches for SCP-19316-J instances. If review determines that a piece of writing represents an instance of SCP-19316-J, the writing must be removed and its creator interviewed, then amnesticized as appropriate.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-19316-J is a set of documents that contain anachronistic and/or nonsensical applications of terminology and structure associated with Standard SCP Summaries. As of 2012-11-15, 3,587 instances of SCP-19316-J have been identified. 1,118 instances predate the Foundation, while the remainder developed independently of the Foundation in contemporary times. An additional 8,500 are estimated to exist outside of containment.</p> <p>In several cases, instances of SCP-19316-J have detailed the containment of anomalous items whose existence has been confirmed independently, and were purportedly produced by organizations dedicated to the study, containment, and/or destruction of anomalies. While several of these organizations did exist, none used documentation standards or technical terminology with straightforward Foundation equivalents.</p> <p>Individuals or organizations that produce SCP-19316-J instances do not exhibit knowledge of the Foundation or the association of SCP-19316-J with anomalous phenomena, and cannot adequately explain their reasons for creating SCP-19316-J instances. Thus, SCP-19316-J does not represent a breach of secrecy.</p> <p>SCP-19316-J excludes documentation from [DATA EXPUNGED], which directly or indirectly inspired Standard SCP Summary structure and terminology.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Sample SCP-19316-J instances.</p> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J-105<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Note attached to plastic food container at ██████ Pharmaceuticals.<br/> <strong>Excerpt:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Special Containment Procedures:</span> Evelyn's pork chops are to be kept in a sealed plastic container in the 5th Floor Break Room's refrigerator. Storage in any non-refrigerated environment may result in a GK-class Gastrointestinal Incident.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J-404<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> <a href="/scp-001-ex-j">Cave paintings</a> in ████████████, Indonesia, dated to roughly 41,000 BCE.<br/> <strong>Excerpt:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>Item #: <em>[Illustration of two tree branches]</em><br/> Object Class: <em>[Illustration of fire]</em><br/> Description: <em>[Illustration of a massive lizard attacking a group of humans]</em></p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J-786<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Booklet given to the British Museum by an anonymous donor. Attributed to the likely nonexistent "His Majesty's Foundation for the Study of the Apocryphal and Alchemical", "A Society for the Securing, Containance, and Protection of the Abnormal or Unholy", "Meeting of the Royal Society of London for Improving Natural Knowledge in which Certain Items of an Incongruous Nature are Presented and Discussed", and the "Mystery Men of North Nottingham".<br/> <strong>Excerpt:</strong> N/A. No coherent sample of the writing is brief enough to include in this document.</p> <hr/> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J-1000<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Graffiti in Duluth, MN.<br/> <strong>Excerpt:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>MY ASS<br/> Object Class: Keter<br/> Special Containment Procedures: we can't</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J-1506<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Post on 4chan.org's "paranormal" board. Accompanied by a photograph of Izumi Kato's "Untitled 2004" sculpture.<br/> <strong>Excerpt:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>Description: Origin unclear, moved on-site 1993. The object is constructed of paper mache and Krylon brand spray paint, but is hard as concrete. Item <a href="/scp-173">173</a> is animate and extremely hostile: it will crush the head of anyone it can reach, but only when unobserved, as it cannot move while in a direct line of sight. It's fucked up, is what I'm getting at.</p> <p>The reddish brown substance on the floor is my disbelief. The non-suspension of this material is unexplained.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-19316-J-1621<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Geometry worksheet created by a teacher at ██████ High School, █████, MA.<br/> <strong>Excerpt:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Problem #:</strong> 13</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclidean</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-19316-j">SCP-19316-J</a>" by Communism will win, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-19316-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-19316-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1938-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1938</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Due to the risk of a TK-class Technological Collapse Event, SCP-1938 is to be kept away from <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">computers</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">computing devices</span> anything with a goddamn network interface at all costs.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1938 is Dr. Mary-Ann Walker, a Level 2 anthropology researcher currently employed by the Foundation at Humanoid Containment Site 06-3 with the anomalous ability to infect any electronic device with a multitude of viruses, malware, and spyware within hours of use. SCP-1938 also has a catastrophic effect on the behavior of site information technology and security personnel, forcing them to laugh uncontrollably, break down into tears, then become incoherently angry at life (generally in that order).</p> <p>This ability is suspected to result from SCP-1938's inability to understand that all those stupid "click me" emails aren't actually telling you that you won some stupid prize or that a hundred puppies will die if you don't forward the goddamn thing.</p> <p>SCP-1938 came to the attention of Site 06-3's technical staff following an incident in which she reported sluggish computer performance and requested assistance. The responding technician performed a cursory inspection of the affected terminal and discovered that its hard drive contained a physically impossible amount of viruses.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1938-1:</strong> Researcher Note</p> <blockquote> <p>As a reminder to all site staff, if you're gonna prank each other with this kind of stuff, keep it to yourselves and don't "accidentally" file personal documentation in the primary containment database.</p> <p>And, no, I'm not authorizing the request to ban Dr. Walker from the network. She needs to work, and you need to keep her terminal working.</p> <p>Dr. ████ ████<br/> Site Director, Humanoid Containment Site 06-3</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 1938-2:</strong> Technician Note</p> <blockquote> <p>With all due respect, you realize that she infected her <em>phone</em> with a virus, right? It's not even a smartphone!</p> <p>████ █████<br/> Information Technology, Humanoid Containment Site 06-3</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 1938-3:</strong> Researcher Note</p> <blockquote> <p>Not funny, guys. This was mean and completely out of line.</p> <p>Dr. Mary-Ann Walker<br/> Researcher, Anthropology Department</p> <p><em>Win $5000 in cold hard cash! <span style="color: #b01; text-decoration: underline; cursor: pointer;">Click here</span> to register for our FREE daily drawing!</em></p> <p><span style="color: #b01; text-decoration: underline; font-size: 110%; cursor: pointer;"><strong>NEED MORE OOMPH IN BED?!</strong></span> Show your girlfriend how a real man feels! Gain 3 inches overnight!</p> <p><em>Free discreet online gambling! <span style="color: #b01; text-decoration: underline; cursor: pointer;">Join today</span> and get 50,000 free chips!</em></p> <p><span style="font-size:80%;">sex porn poker awesome great amazing free safe winner totally not a virus</span></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 1938-4:</strong> Researcher Note</p> <blockquote> <p>I take it back. Give her a typewriter and hope to God she doesn't find a way to infect that, too.</p> <p>Dr. ████ ████<br/> Site Director, Humanoid Containment Site 06-3</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1938-j">SCP-1938-J</a>" by Aelanna, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1938-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1938-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1939-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="authorlink-wrapper"><a href="javascript:;">Blue Foot</a> <div class="authorbox"> <div class="authorcontent"> <p>Like my stuff? Read more <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/blue-foot">here,</a> and join my <a href="https://discord.gg/h5uY646BER">Discord server</a> to be notified whenever I post a new piece!</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="anom-bar-container item-1939-J clear-1 pending uncontained {$disruption-class} warning {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">1939-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level1</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">pending</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">uncontained</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">{$disruption-class}</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">warning</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="ceiling.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1939-j/ceiling.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-1939-J, as seen in Dr. Kieffer's third email to the Site-47 maintenance department.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1939-J is to be neutralized as soon as possible. However, the anomaly is currently uncontained.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1939-J is a broken ceiling tile. It is located in Dr. Helen Kieffer's living quarters, directly above her bed.</p> <p>SCP-1939-J appears to have been created by a combination of faulty piping located above Dr. Kieffer's living quarters, and the general disrepair of Site-47's Floor 6 staff housing wing. These theories are supported by the consistent leakage of water from the opening into Site-47's internal structure SCP-1939-J created, as well as the smell of mildew that has persisted within Dr. Kieffer's quarters after the creation of SCP-1939-J, which has caused Dr. Kieffer to suffer from congestion and several headaches.</p> <p>SCP-1939-J was discovered a month ago, when Dr. Kieffer noticed its presence while laying in bed. Dr. Kieffer, as all Site-47 employees are instructed to do in such a situation, contacted the site's maintenance department via email in order to repair the ceiling tiles and replace the piping above her living quarters, thereby neutralizing the anomaly. However, the maintenance department is yet to respond to the threat posed by SCP-1939-J. Dr. Kieffer has attempted to contact the maintenance department via four subsequent emails, and has made a personal visit to the department's office to discuss the matter. However, no progress in containing SCP-1939-J has been made by the proper authorities.</p> <p>During the time SCP-1939-J has remained uncontained, it has caused damage to Site-47 property and injury to site staff. Due to SCP-1939-J's location above Dr. Kieffer's bed, she has suffered sleep deprivation due to water droplets falling from the anomaly onto her head when she was attempting to rest. A week after SCP-1939-J was discovered, Dr. Kieffer was provided an air-filled mattress by the Site-47 maintenance department. However, this mattress is incapable of remaining inflated for long periods of time due to the several leaks located on it, causing Dr. Kieffer to largely sleep on the floor of her living quarters when attempting to use it. The pillow placed on the bed under SCP-1939-J has become waterlogged and is now unusable.</p> <hr/> <p><em>You can't make an entry in the database because we haven't gotten to your roof yet, Helen.</em> - Maintenance Director Robert Hawks</p> <p><em>Oh, now I have your attention?</em> - Senior Researcher Helen Kieffer</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-1948-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="comrade-new.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1948-j/comrade-new.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-1948-J in containment. <em>Damn, how photogenic!</em></p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1948-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> CYP (Safe)</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong></p> <p>SCP-1948-J is to be kept in the mines north-east of ███████, designated Site-1948-J. SCP-1948 should have access to food, water and a pack of ciggies per day.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong></p> <p>SCP-1948-J is a member of <em>Equus caballus</em>, yet somehow it has the ability to speak and the staff is absolutely pleased with that! It's hard working and has a really good taste of humor. Every hour he lights a ciggie and every two hours he cracks open a cold one. SCP-1948-J doesn't appear to have any enemies, he goes out well with his comrades and also with other horses. It's also incredibly photogenic.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1948-J Recovery log</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ EXPAND</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">COLLAPSE</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>SCP-1948-J was found in the mines in the north-east of ███████, Czechoslovak Socialist Republic. It was saved by group of local miners, now great friends to the Foundation, from a tunnel collapse. Staff was assigned to ensure the safety of this wonderful creature.</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Interview Log 1948-J-25:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewed:</strong> SCP-1948-J</p> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Dr. Vladimír ██████</p> <p><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <p><strong>SCP-1948-J:</strong> Well howdy there doc!</p> <p><strong>Vladimír:</strong> Good day to you comrade horse! How's going?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1948-J:</strong> Well today is going very well, no casualities and we got some packs of smuggled ciggies from Germany!</p> <p><em>A lighter can be heard.</em></p> <p><strong>Vladimír:</strong> Haha! Alright, I see you're doing well. Work hard comrade and take care!</p> <p><strong>SCP-1948-J:</strong> You too doc!</p> <p><strong><End Log></strong></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 1948-26:</strong> <em>Hell, I like this horse!</em></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1948-j">SCP-1948-J</a>" by Naidrox, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1948-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1948-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> comrade-new.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Nnc1.cu55831290 page 087 cropped.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Heinrich Börner<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nnc1.cu55831290_page_087_cropped.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1950-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1950-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1950-J is to be housed in a <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">tower</span> Standard Foundation Single occupant elevated cylindrical containment room. Subject is to be provided with tattered clothes, scraps from Site 19 kitchen, household cleaning implements, and books in the fantasy or adventure genre; preferably ones featuring romantic subplots and fanciful settings SCP-1950-J-1 will never get to experience. At all times, two ugly security personnel and/or researchers of a similar age to SCP-1950-J’s appearance must be on hand to deliver appropriate insults and demands for menial labor.</p> <p>As of incident SCP-1950-J-Gamma, subject is no longer to be allowed out of her cell under any circumstances.</p> <p>Personnel assigned to SCP-1950-J must be screened for musical ability. Any staff with a capacity for performing song/dance routines must not work in close proximity to SCP-1936-J-1. Personnel infected by SCP-1950-J-2 must be administered Class B amnestics, followed by a 4-week period of quarantined observation. In the event this treatment is ineffective, the personnel must be terminated to prevent spreading the infection.</p> <p>Any instance of SCP-1950-J-3 and associated anomalous beings are to be dealt with according to procedure 666.</p> <p><strong>Description</strong>: SCP-1950-J refers to SCP-1950-J-1 and its related effects. SCP-1950-J-1 is a human female of European lineage, with the only outwardly anomalous feature being eyes and pupils that are 5 times the human average, body proportions that would make normal human functions, such as eating, impossible, and perpetually appearing to be 18 years old. Interviews with 1950-J-1 has determined that she was the daughter of the king in exile of the kingdom of [DATA EXPUNGED]. No records exist of this country.</p> <p>SCP-1950-J-1 was discovered in the home of senior researcher Barbaracia, who came to be the sole guardian of her, following the death of 1950-J-1’s original father in a freak and tragic stabbing accident. After keeping her as a household servant and forcing her to dress in rags and eat only crumbs and garbage, SCP-1950-J-1 began to manifest its first and primary anomalous feature.</p> <p>On 27/11/13, SCP-1950-J began to manifest its primary anomalous feature, the production of SCP-1950-J-2, which was in turn reproduced by researcher Barbaracia. SCP-1950-J-2 is a memetic audio frequency that takes the form of a variety of songs sung by 1950-J-1, but all reproductions and recordings have similar effects. These songs vary in length, complexity and style, seemingly at random, though remaining consistent for years at a time before shifting to a different style. However, these songs always retain a similar lyrical focus on themes of discovery, hope, a longing for true love, believing in yourself, and other subject matter we do not need to reinforce to the other anomalies.</p> <p>1950-J-2’s primary anomalous effect comes when it is heard by an object or creature that is itself anomalous, be it thaumatological or technological. Upon being exposed to an instance of 1950-J-2, all living, sapient anomalous beings enter a trance-like state for .34 seconds, after which they flock to whatever is emitting it, and begin joining in the instance, providing chorus singing, backup vocals, harmony parts, and choreographed dance numbers. Non-living anomalous items will manifest large, cartoonish eyeballs from random places (including hovering in mid-air for noncorporeal or abstract concept anomalies), and join in as if they were sentient.</p> <p>During its prolonged containment, 1950-J-1 has demonstrated the ability to either attract or spontaneously generate instances of 1950-J-3. 1950-J-3 refers to a male humanoid of diverse possible racial and socioeconomic backgrounds, but all with roughly the same face and personality. 1950-J-3 displays an acute knowledge of the precise Foundation facility that 1950-J-1 is being contained at, and each instance will attempt to assault the facility, along with a variety of magical allies, collectively referred to as SCP-1950-J-4 until individual capture and classification. All instances of 1950-J-4 have so far displayed a preference for behaviour deemed "marketable" over actions that would assist in freeing 1950-J-1.</p> <p><strong>Procedure 666</strong>: In the event of an attack on site by an SCP-1950-J-3 instance and associated beings, researchers and security personnel are to, in all cases, resist the urge to transform into a giant monstrous form to attack them as “you really are”. Please keep in mind that this has a very low success rate, and even when successful, has tended to make returning to usual functions difficult. Instead, security personnel are encouraged to just shoot the present 1950-J-3 instance, usually the prettiest one, in the head. Lacking the leadership of the -3 instance and “the hope of seeing true loves first kiss”, the other beings can be contained and classified easily.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Incident 1950-J-Gamma</strong>:</p> <p>Transcript taken from recording of SCP-1950-J-1's scheduled exercise period, taken in a nearby meadow at SCP-1950-J-1's request. This is the first fully recorded instance of 1950-J-2, during which she ran through the grass.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1950-J-1</strong>: Where am I now? Is it a place to fear?<br/> What will I see, more snarls and more sneers?<br/> Am I to live just shuttered away?<br/> Never again, to see the light, of day?</p> <p>This warmth….I know it. From years before.<br/> The light, is a light, I’d give the world for<br/> The blades ‘neath my feet, not the cold concrete cell,<br/> have I finally escaped, that cold, emotionless hell?</p> <p>The sweet smell of summer is still on the air,<br/> As sweet as smile of my prince, tall and fair,<br/> They told me my people no longer remain,<br/> But I know that somehow I'll bring them all back, again</p> <p>It's out there, my home, my people, calling me back to them<br/> Out there, somewhere, be it in Cairo or Bethlehem,<br/> I can't stop, I can't wait, I can't get distracted,<br/> I know I can do it, if I just [REDACTED]</p> <p>They’ll be back, they’ll be home, they’ll be free,<br/> I know it can happen, so just wait and see,<br/> And it will all be, because of me,<br/> If I can only be, where I need to be.</p> <p><strong>Sr. Researcher Sherman:</strong> Man, there’s just something so empowering, seeing her run off like that.</p> <p><strong>Security Personnel Lopez:</strong> Hey, is she gonna come back?</p> <p>(3 second silence)</p> <p><strong>Sr. Researcher Sherman:</strong> Oh, son of a….</p> <p>Rest of recording consists of Researcher Sherman swearing copiously.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum</strong>: As of 20/03/2016, possible passive additional effect of SCP-1950-J has been observed. Upon being informed of the latest foiled attempt by SCP-1950-J-3 to breach containment, Administrator Jensen was observed rubbing their hands, cackling, and saying “Good, Soon I WILL BE THE PRETTIEST OF ALL! MUAHAHAHAH!” As of writing, Administrator Jensen is still relatively unattractive, even by the common standards of bald 93-year-old men. Further study is required.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1950-j">SCP-1950-J</a>" by JameGumb, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1950-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1950-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1955-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1955-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All Foundation facilities must maintain separate video and audio surveillance systems under the guise of aiding memetic containment. Under no circumstances are video surveillance devices which are also capable of recording audio to be installed in any Foundation site.</p> <p>Foundation operatives are to infiltrate manufacturers and distributors of surveillance equipment and ensure that security networks combining both audio and video recording capabilities remain either prohibitively expensive or subject to debilitating technical flaws.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1955-J is an anomalous form of audio distortion known to impact video surveillance recordings in all Foundation facilities. This effect does not occur with systems recording either video or audio independently, even when such systems are recording the same events as SCP-1955-J affected recordings.</p> <p>SCP-1955-J tends to appear when the following conditions are met:<br/> - At least three mobile entities<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> are visible to one or more surveillance devices.<br/> - The entitles interact for more than 30 seconds.<br/> - One or more of the entities could be described as "pursuing" or "fleeing" another entity.</p> <p>When these conditions are met, any audio recorded by affected devices will be completely replaced by an energetic, high-tempo arrangement of saxophone and other brass instruments typically described by personnel as "raucous" or "saucy." Furthermore, any dramatic events within these recordings (e.g., physical collisions, rapid containment barrier extension, graphic evisceration, or [DATA EXPUNGED]) are punctuated with exaggerated sounds produced by obscure instruments such as bicycle horns, slide whistles, or zithers.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> (For example SCP-1955-J recordings, See Addendum 1955-J-1.)</p> <p>SCP-1955-J distortions are capable of spreading between recording devices and systems, with the audio distortion transferring between recordings as entities exit or enter the views of other devices. New entities entering a SCP-1955-J recording are capable of extending its effect if they either enter a physical altercation with an originating entity or if they begin to pursue or flee such entities.</p> <p>Given the pervasive presence of surveillance networks and handheld video recording in first-world nations, any SCP-1955-J affected entities escaping a Foundation facility could result in a global BH-class salacious media scenario.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1955-J-1: Typical SCP-1955-J Recordings</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Access archive</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Access granted</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>Format:</strong><br/> <strong>Location:</strong><br/> <strong>Entities Involved:</strong><br/> <strong>Elapsed Time:</strong><br/> <strong>Results:</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Location:</strong> Site-██ Cafeteria, Site Director █████'s office, 17 separate corridors<br/> <strong>Entities Involved:</strong> Site Director █████, Field Agent Willis (carrying a large stack of budget requisition forms), Senior Researcher Wetherby, 24 other personnel<br/> <strong>Elapsed Time:</strong> 9:37<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Director █████ successfully avoids Willis's attention for the elapsed time before colliding with Wetherby, resulting in a 45-minute one-sided conversation about molluscs.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Location:</strong> SCP-████ offices, Site-19 Biological Specimen Archives, 2 security checkpoints<br/> <strong>Entities Involved:</strong> Lead Researcher Richards, Security Officer Ellis, Junior Researchers Dawes and Rosario (in circumstances in which neither had access to their keycards)<br/> <strong>Elapsed Time:</strong> 7:15<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Undetected by either Richards or Ellis, Junior Researchers Dawes and Rosario secure Ellis's keycard, retrieve their belongings, and return to their posts.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Location:</strong> Site 28 Safe-Object Storage Wing<br/> <strong>Entities Involved:</strong> 14 security personnel, 5 researchers, and 7 intruders associated with GOI "The Serpent's Hand" (including 1 tamed bear)<br/> <strong>Elapsed Time:</strong> 16:21<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Security personnel apprehend the majority of the intruders with minimal injuries. The whereabouts of the bear are currently unknown.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. e.g., personnel, animate SCP objects, or, on one occasion, a perilously overloaded cafeteria services cart.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Or, on occasion, simulated flatulence.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Junior Researcher Dawes has been recommended for assignment to field operations.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1955-j">SCP-1955-J</a>" by Petrograd, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1955-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1955-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1960-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1960-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1960-J is currently uncontained, and no practical means of either bringing it into containment or destroying it has yet been developed. As SCP-1960-J is uncontained, extremely dangerous, and virtually impossible to destroy, the Foundation's current approach toward interaction with SCP-1960-J focuses on observation and study, primarily from a safe distance or via the use of robotic drones. Any personnel attempting to directly contact SCP-1960-J must be wearing heavy-duty full environmental suits with integrated life support systems.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1960-J is a free-floating sphere made of white stone which moves in a continuous circular path, despite lacking any visible means of support or propulsion. In addition to its unusual movements, SCP-1960-J exhibits a number of other anomalous properties:</p> <ul> <li>SCP-1960-J appears to absorb and/or suppress sound. Personnel in close proximity to SCP-1960-J have reported being unable to hear any external noises.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>From a distance, SCP-1960-J is a nearly uniform bright white, but darkens appreciably as it is approached. It appears dark gray from close range.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>SCP-1960-J exhibits spontaneous, extreme variations in temperature despite possessing no apparent internal heat source. Its temperature has been observed to vary between -200°C and 120°C with no corresponding change in its structure or behavior.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Even when SCP-1960-J's temperature is within the range that humans find comfortable, unprotected contact with SCP-1960-J is uniformly fatal. Living beings that touch it asphyxiate and die almost instantly, and only heavy-duty full environmental suits have been observed to prevent this effect.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>It draws nearby objects, including living beings, towards it as if exhibiting a compulsive effect. The strength of this compulsion increases as one nears SCP-1960-J, reaching a maximum strength of 1.62m/s^2 at a range of zero. Objects have been observed striking SCP-1960-J with sufficient force to completely destroy them, leaving SCP-1960-J essentially unharmed.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>SCP-1960-J is currently at a safe distance from the Foundation headquarters, but Foundation scientists have suggested that a significant change in SCP-1960-J's regular circular motion could constitute an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Exploration Log SRV-3:</strong> Robotic probe SRV-3 equipped with camera and a variety of scientific instruments dispatched to study SCP-1960-J. Probe determined that SCP-1960-J is made primarily of basalt and provided close-up pictures of its surface, but encountered numerous interruptions to wireless data transmission and ultimately ceased operating.</p> <p><strong>Exploration Log A1:</strong> While preparing for their mission, team A1's transport bursts into spontaneous flame, burning with unnatural speed and temperature. All three team members are lost. Foundation scientists conclude that SCP-1960-J may have a psychic and/or sentient component. SCP-1960-J upgraded to Keter. Subsequent missions feature fireproof materials and clothing.</p> <p>[DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p><strong>Exploration Log A11:</strong> Three Foundation personnel dispatched to make direct contact with SCP-1960-J. All three were equipped with heavy-duty full environmental suits in the hopes that they will be able to survive the life-draining effect of contacting it. ██████ remains in the transport to monitor the attempt and maintain wireless communications with the Foundation. ██████ and ██████ successfully touch SCP-1960-J and survive. Destructive analysis is authorized, and with difficulty team A11 returns with a small sample for study. Team A11 carefully attaches a rangefinding device to SCP-1960-J, designed to carefully monitor its precise distance from Foundation headquarters and determine whether an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario is a possibility.</p> <p><strong>Exploration Log A12:</strong> Mission parameters very similar to A11, but an increased level of supplies allows for a longer mission. A12 is also tasked with investigating SRV-3, and ultimately returns with several components of the broken robot for later analysis.</p> <p><strong>Exploration Log A13:</strong> While drawing close to SCP-1960-J, A13's transport was damaged by [DATA EXPUNGED]. The resulting explosion crippled the transport, leaving the crew unable to complete their mission. A13 was able to abort the mission and return to headquarters with no loss of life.</p> <p>[DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p><strong>Exploration Log A17:</strong> Mission team A17 was equipped with a purpose-built SCP-1960-J Roving Vehicle, allowing them to study SCP-1960-J's surface in great detail. Team A17 detonated several explosives on SCP-1960-J to study the practicality of destroying SCP-1960-J, but the resulting damage was minor. SCP-1960-J is considered essentially indestructible.</p> <p>[DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p><strong>Authorized Personnel Only:</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Display image of SCP-1960-J</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Hide image of SCP-1960-J</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-left" style="width:200px;"><img alt="FullMoon2010.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1960-j/FullMoon2010.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>A still image from team A11's video feed.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <blockquote> <p>In light of [REDACTED], all future exploration missions to SCP-1960-J are suspended. No Foundation personnel are to make direct contact with SCP-1960-J under any circumstances.<br/> -O5-██</p> </blockquote> </div></body></html>
SCP-1981-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1981-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1981-J-1 is to be kept in a lonely world. Once per week, it is to be escorted by a contingent of agents from MTF Eta-10 (Perry’s Pipers) onto the midnight train going anywhere.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> SCP-1981-J-2 is to be contained in South Detroit, where it was born and raised. It is also to be escorted by MTF Eta-10 onto the midnight train going anywhere. No contact is to be allowed between SCP-1981-J-1 and -2 until they arrive at their destination.</p> <p>Once SCP-1981-J-1 and -2 arrive at their destination, they are to be kept in a smoky room, which contains a singer, the smell of wine and cheap perfume. Should SCP-1981-J-1 smile at SCP-1981-J-2, or vice-versa, after 6 PM, ESCAPE Protocol is to be enacted immediately.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1981-J consists of two shadows, searching in the night. They were discovered up and down the boulevard in ███████, Ontario, by strangers who had been waiting for the bus. SCP-1981-J are predatory metamorphic organisms, capable of altering their forms at will; however, they both have forms which are highly preferred. SCP-1981-J-1 most commonly takes the form of streetlights, while SCP-1981-J-2 prefers the form of people. It is currently unknown if SCP-1981-J are alive; they are able to communicate, and their metamorphic abilities allow for facial expressions and body language, but they posses no vital signs, and are unwilling to cooperate in experiments. Current theories suggest that SCP-1981-J are living just to find emotion. Interviews with witnesses to SCP-1981-J's capture suggested that there were additional instances hiding somewhere in the night; MTF Eta-10 is on the lookout, <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">but has not found any evidence to suggest this.</span> See Incident 1981-J-A.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Audio Acquisition Log 1981-J</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Cue sweet guitar solo</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>Eta-10 Lead:</strong> Alright boys, work hard out there tonight. There's at least two of these things out there, and I've got my fill of chasing anomalies around the city.</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-5:</strong> I don't really care what happens. I just want a thrill.</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-7:</strong> Me too.</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-6:</strong> Me three!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-3:</strong> Shut up, Probies.</p> <p><strong>Eta-10 Lead:</strong> Let's split up, team. Three, Five, and Six, with me. Two, Four, and Seven, you go down the boulevard.</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-2:</strong> Copy, boss. Time to roll the dice, just one more time.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1981-J-1:</strong> Some will win.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1981-J-2:</strong> Some will lose.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Eta-10-5:</strong> W-what was that?</p> <p><strong>Eta-10 Lead:</strong> Seems like they came to us. Alright, remain calm, and follow the plan.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1981-J:</strong> (<em>simultaneously</em>) The movie never ends!!!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10 Lead:</strong> Floodlights on!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-2:</strong> And On!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-3:</strong> And On!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-4:</strong> And On!</p> <p><em>SCP-1981-J screeches and hisses</em></p> <p><strong>Eta-10 Lead:</strong> Don't stop!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-6:</strong> I can't believe it's working!</p> <p><em>A blast of wind originating from SCP-1981-J hits MTF Eta-10, pushing several members into and up the wall.</em></p> <p><strong>Eta-10-2:</strong> Five, hold on to that ceiling! I'm coming for you!</p> <p><strong>SCP-1981-J:</strong> Streetlights! People!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-5:</strong> I can't hold on!</p> <p><strong>Eta-10-2:</strong> Don't stop!</p> <p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k8craCGpgs">End Log</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Incident SCP-1981-J-A:</strong> On May 19 2009, numerous instances of SCP-1981-J were discovered on the set of the television show ████, resulting in █ fatalities before containment could be enacted. Due to the publicity surrounding the show, amnestics were distributed to the surviving cast, and Agents Morrison and Lynch were inserted to replace actors slain by SCP-1981-J. Upgrade to Keter is pending approval.</p> <em>Note from Agent Morrison: Please get me out of here. A man can only listen to so much a cappella.</em><br/> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Provided that the destination has a Foundation facility nearby.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Protocol kept separate from this document for brevity; it goes on and on and on and on.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. It is currently unknown if these statements were predictions of the future or simple threats. However, it has since been discovered that some were in fact born to sing the blues.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1981-j">SCP-1981-J</a>" by CapnThatguy, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1981-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1981-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1984-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="anom-bar-container item-1984-J clear-2 keter none amida notice {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">1984-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level2</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">keter</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">none</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">amida</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">notice</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> George Orwell's estate must be seized at all costs. After this, publication of SCP-1984-J will be halted indefinitely. Copies of SCP-1984-J will be gathered by MTF-δ-9184 ("The Overspecifics"), whereafter they are to be incinerated.</p> <p>Simultaneously with these efforts, latent C-Class amnestics are to be released by air throughout the planet. Once all copies of SCP-1984-J have been destroyed, these amnestics are to be activated, permanently eliminating any memory of SCP-1984-J from human consciousness.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1984-J is the novel <em>Nineteen Eighty-Four</em>, by English author George Orwell. SCP-1984-J tells the story of a hypothetical dystopia in which independent thought is criminalized and an unseen character called "Big Brother" is worshipped as a dictator.</p> <p>SCP-1984-J compels people who are aware of it to compare any use of control or power to the dystopia portrayed in Orwell's work, no matter how absurd of a comparison this may be. Consult Addendum 1 for more information.</p> <p>While no individual appears entirely immune to this effect, individuals who have actually read SCP-1984-J seem much less susceptible.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1:</strong><br/> The following is an incomplete list of concepts compared to SCP-1984-J by Foundation Staff:</p> <ul> <li>The use of amnestics to maintain the Veil;</li> <li>The SCP Foundation's numerous misinformation campaigns;</li> <li>The containment of humanoid anomalies;</li> <li>Being requested not to defecate in a personal trashcan;</li> <li>The termination of a Portuguese tribal community;</li> <li>The implementation of ACS across the SCP Foundation;</li> <li>Site-4214's dress code policies, specifically the wearing of safety goggles during experiments;</li> <li>"Project: Whack-A-Mole";</li> <li>The United States Government doing anything, ever, for any reason;</li> <li>The Dictionary;</li> <li>Redaction and expungement of non-info/cognitohazards;</li> <li>The existence of gay people;</li> <li>The implementation of stringent countermeasures to control dangerous thought across the non-anomalous world through introduction of alternative facts so as to maintain a safe normalcy;</li> <li>Any political ideology except for Neoliberalism;</li> <li>Neoliberalism;</li> <li>"Every religion that has ever existed, I swear";</li> <li>Internet Moderation.</li> </ul> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">You have one(1) new message</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Hide message</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jamie van Petrol (Site-4214 Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|lortepnav#noitadnuof.pcs\|lortepnav</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Gummi Johnson (Site-4214 Director) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosnhojg#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosnhojg</span></tt>></p> <p>The special containment procedures for SCP-1984-J concern me. As an anomaly, SCP-1984-J poses no real threat to the Veil, or to humanity. And yet, we are going out of our way to eliminate an iconic work of literature from the public consciousness? This feels wrong. I get SCP-1984-J can be annoying at times, but surely there are better ways of handling it than this. Right now, it just all feels a bit Fahrenheit 451.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1984-j">SCP-1984-J</a>" by LizardWizard, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1984-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1984-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1986-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1986-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-1986-J is not to be allowed to win the World Series under any circumstances. MTF Lambda-86 ("Pop Flyers") has been assembled by O5-5 to infiltrate all New York Mets training and physical therapy facilities. They are to provide regular updates on its team members' performance and remain on standby to enact containment procedures at O5-5's discretion.</p> <p>Each player under SCP-1986-J's influence is to be assigned containment procedures tailored to their individual abilities.</p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>Instance</th> <th>Properties</th> <th>Containment Procedures</th> </tr> <tr> <td>SCP-1986-J-20, aka "Pete Alonso"</td> <td>This entity's DNA has been altered to give it the physical strength and resilience of a polar bear (ursus maritimus). It is capable of striking the ball with the same approximate force as being hit by a double decker bus.</td> <td>Every game, a chemical mixture of tiletamine hydrochloride, a tranquilizing agent commonly used on polar bears, is to be infused into SCP-1986-J-20's water bottle.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>SCP-1986-J-32, aka "Edwin Diaz"</td> <td>Superhuman upper body strength allowing the entity to throw a fastball at over Mach 2.</td> <td>SCP-1986-J-32's baseball glove and all baseballs in Citi Field have been inserted with magnetic devices of opposite polarity. These increase the effort required by the entity to throw them by a factor of 40-50, making his pitches appear as nonanomalous.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>SCP-1986-J-25, aka "Francisco Lindor"</td> <td>This entity is capable of becoming fully invisible, intangible, and inaudible, allowing it to steal an anomalously high number of bases.</td> <td>Electrocution has been found to be an effective way to prevent SCP-1986-J-25 from disappearing. The bases in Citi Field have been modified to intermittently deliver a 1200 V shock when stolen by a member of the home team.</td> </tr> </table> <p>Contact O5-5 to request a complete list of containment procedures.</p> <p>In the event that the New York Mets are still at risk of winning the World Series, more extreme measures are allowed to be taken at the Overseer Council's approval.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1986-J is a Class 5 reality warper and Noospheric entity resembling Mr. Met, the mascot of the New York Mets. Its power directly corresponds to the Mets' level of success in the MLB postseason. Whenever SCP-1986-J wins a game, an unusually high level of Humes are detected in the immediate vicinity of the game. It is hypothesized that SCP-1986-J would grow strong enough to enter baseline reality in the very unlikely event that the New York Mets win a third World Series, triggering an XK-Class End-Of-The-World scenario.</p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="1599px-Mister_Met_Firing_Indiscriminately.jpg?20230507061153" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/32/Mister_Met_Firing_Indiscriminately.jpg/1599px-Mister_Met_Firing_Indiscriminately.jpg?20230507061153"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>A cultist dressed as SCP-1986-J attempting to shoot a Foundation surveillance drone</p> </div> </div> <p>SCP-1986-J is worshipped as a god by a cult based in the New York metropolitan area. Several of its followers, through ritualistic baby sacrifice, gained a portion of its powers, and are attempting to win the World Series on its behalf as Mets players. These players are to be assigned designations corresponding to their jersey numbers.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1986-J.1:</strong> SCP-1986-J was first observed on October 27, 1986 in Boston, Massachussetts. The entity had just won its second World Series in the fifth game against the Boston Red Sox with a score of 5-3. Immediately upon completion of the game, a series of anomalous phenomena occurred throughout the city. The Boston harbor grew blood red, and an estimated twenty million locusts appeared spread throughout various locations.</p> <p>O5-5 proposed a motion to form a Mobile Task Force dedicated to monitoring the New York Mets. It was approved with a 10-3 vote, and the New York Mets became designated SCP-1986-J.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1986-J.2:</strong> Incident Log</p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>Incident</th> <th>Contaiment Procedures</th> </tr> <tr> <td>In October of 1999, the Mets won two consecutive games against the Atlanta Braves in the 1999 National Championship League Series, bringing the series to 2-4. In the event that they won, they would advance to the World Series, which Foundation analysts projected they would win with 86.3% confidence.</td> <td><em>This is pretty serious, the Mets… er, SCP-1986-J are on a roll this year. Fortunately, a pitcher on their team is one of ours. Agent Kenny Rogers. If it comes down to it, he can end the game on a walk-off. –O5-5</em></td> </tr> <tr> <td>In October of 2006, SCP-1986-J advanced to Game 7 of the NLCS against the St. Louis Cardinals. Foundation analysts were particularly concerned about how Carlos Beltran, who had been signed to the team with the largest contract in franchise history at the time, would affect the outcome.</td> <td>Mr. Beltran was detained by MTF Lambda-86 and exposed to 13 hours of hypnotherapy and aggressive amnestic treatment. During the last inning of the game, he was exposed to a visual trigger projected onto the jumbotron on the far end of the stadium. The trigger caused him to freeze in place and strike out. Mr. Beltran has experienced no ill effects after this incident except for persistent night terrors.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>In June of 2023, SCP-1986-J led the National League East by 10.5 games, their highest standing of the year.</td> <td><em>I dunno, just give Matt Harvey anthrax or something. –O5-5</em></td> </tr> </table> <p><strong>Addendum 1986-J.3:</strong><br/></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">ACCESS RESTRICTED: LEVEL 5 CREDENTIALS REQUIRED</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Closing</a></div> <br/> The following is an excerpt of a strategic Overseer Council meeting on [REDACTED]. Unauthorized viewers will be terminated with prejudice. <div style="text-align: left;"> <blockquote> <p><strong>O5-3:</strong> …And that makes eight to five. Okay, so we're approving the additional $13.2 million towards the ghost of Frank Sinatra Senior's containment procedures.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> A bit of a waste, if you ask me. But that's democracy for you.</p> <p><strong>O5-9:</strong> Oh God, Seven, you're not listening to those podcasts again, are you?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Hey, I'm just doing independent research.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> As <em>much</em> as we would love to hear more of Seven's propaganda, I think this is a good place to call the meeting for the day. Except… There's still the elephant in the room.</p> <p>[All councilmembers shift their gazes towards O5-5]</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> …What?</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> So, Five, any updates on SCP-1986-J?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Uh, doesn't look like this is their year either. I don't expect any surprises.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> That's good, that's good. Five, the Ethics Committee and I were going over the council's financials and… Do you care to explain the $14 million that just got added to your personal account last Saturday?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Oh, that? Um… Oh yeah, I was just making a little withdrawal. I did some soul-searching and realized I don't trust banks.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Uh huh… I didn't know Wells Fargo changed their name to "DraftKings."</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> …</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> Five?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Okay, I <em>know</em> this looks bad, but––.</p> <p><strong>O5-8:</strong> For 343's sake, Five. How long has this been going on? How many decades have you been profiting off of anomalies?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Woah, okay, it wasn't <em>always</em> like that. The gambling didn't start until recently. It's a crippling addiction, y'know. Millions of families are affected every year, I'm basically a victim.</p> <p><strong>O5-9:</strong> <em>Five</em>, get to the point.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Alright, so… SCP-1986-J isn't… technically… <em>anomalous.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> <em>What.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Okay, okay, I know how that sounds, but I never planned on it going this long. Look, it was 1986. Game 7. I was in Fenway Park. My Red Sox hadn't won a damn title since the Great War. We held a 3-run lead up to the fifth inning, Bruce Hurst was smoking Metsies left and right. Boston was finally about to have its big break. Tom Brady was only 9 at the time, so that meant something. And when we blew the lead, and the Mets put us away, I… made a phone call. Just to make sure New York didn't get too big for its britches, y'know?</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> You didn't. Five, you didn't.</p> <p><strong>O5-9:</strong> Wha–– but… the harbor turned red? And there were locusts!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I just used some pool dye, and released the locusts myself.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> What, so you just had 20 million locusts on you? Why? Actually, I don't want to know.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> So you faked an anomaly and spent decades running fake, <em>expensive</em> containment procedures because you were bitter that your city sucks?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I <em>know</em> a New Yorker didn't just say that. I've been to your giant rathole, I didn't see a Dunkin' Donuts for, like, three whole blocks!</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> I'm from Albany.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Okay? Which borough is that?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> That's upstate. I don't live in the city. You know New York is, like, ninety percent rural, right?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I don't know why you're bragging about that, there's literally nothing up there.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> There's still White Castle, which is more than I can say for your whole state.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Hey! We– uh– we have Wahlburger!</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> We're getting off track. Five, this is a big deal.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Look, I'm not proud of it. I had a belly full of beer and cracker jacks, I wasn't thinking straight. And… I didn't want to admit what I did. So… I doubled down. And after a while, I thought, if the Mets are gonna lose anyways, it can't hurt to… make a little money on the side off of it.</p> <p><strong>O5-4:</strong> Five, this is so unethical. How much did you make?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> [Appears to think deeply] Oh… somewhere around… 2 or 3 hundred… million… over the past thirty years…</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> [Leans back in their chair] Oh my God…</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> But that was before taxes, so it's really not that bad!</p> <p><strong>O5-9:</strong> Five, we don't pay taxes.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> No, my favorite stripper's name is "Taxes."</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Fuck you.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> [Sharply inhales] Okay. So. We're gonna fix this quickly, and quietly. The bear tranquilizer in Pete Alonso's protein shake has an antidote, we can get it to him before they play the Orioles.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Woah, woah, woah, let's not be rash––</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> And YOU! I've made smarter men D-Classes on Keter duty for less than this. But… you're on the Council, so I can't get rid of you. But this 1986-J project of yours? It's done. Over. Kaput.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Alright, okay, you're mad. [Gestures to the room] You're <em>all</em> mad. I get it. But… just think of this. Wouldn't it be kind of <em>anomalous</em> if the Mets started playing good? I mean, my God, they could've won like five times as many World Series if it weren't for us––</p> <p><strong>O5-2:</strong> For you.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> It was basically a group effort. If they start playing like that out of nowhere, wouldn't people start asking questions?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> He's got a point.</p> <p><strong>O5-9:</strong> Oh shush up, Seven. You're a Yankees fan. You probably don't want the competition in your home state.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> We've explained away bigger mysteries.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Alright, okay. But like, consider this. How much have our shell companies been raking in lately? We're running a budget deficit, right?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We're down 33 percent this quarter.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> [To O5-6, whispering] Stop helping him. [To O5-5] What of it?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Well, just think of it this way. I just gambled my own money, and now I own a yacht with an onboard swimming pool that has a smaller yacht inside of it. It's kinda worked out for me. But… If the budget committee chipped in a little bit more…</p> <p><strong>O5-3:</strong> Are you seriously suggesting that we run the Foundation off of sports betting?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Look, it's not even really "betting," because the odds are fixed. Like, we know who's gonna win or lose every time we use 1986-J's containment procedures. And, I'm no investor, but I feel like we could make a lot more money off of the Mets than Super Carwash Professionals, Spicy Chicago Pizza, or whatever else we call our fronts these days. I did alright on my own, anyways.</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> …</p> <p><strong>O5-2:</strong> One, you can't seriously be considering this?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Come on, One. You could afford to contain, like, fifty more Frank Sinatras.</p> </blockquote> </div> <p>By a 7-6 vote, the Overseer Council voted to continue SCP-1986-J's current containment procedures.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1986-j">SCP-1986-J</a>" by Ferox Numine, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1986-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1986-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Name:</strong> Mister Met Firing Indiscriminately.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Eric Kilby<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mister_Met_Firing_Indiscriminately.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1987-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1987-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All printed copies or recordings of SCP-1987-J are to be destroyed, except for a single printed copy to be stored in a locked safe at Site 5150. One six-string electric guitar, of any standard model, is to be made available for testing purposes. As of ██/██/20██, testing is to be conducted by and on D-class personnel only. Any people or objects affected by SCP-1987-J are to be examined immediately after conclusion of test and archived or neutralized as necessary. Female staff members are not to be exposed to SCP-1987-J's effects under any circumstances.</p> <p>In the event of a manifestation of SCP-1987-J-1, the D-class responsible for activating SCP-1987-J is to accept its request. No staff are to interact with SCP-1987-J-1 directly. Test subject may be reassigned in event of failure; in event of success, Procedure Counter-XK-25R624 is to be enacted immediately.</p> <p>Mobile Task Force Omega-2112 ("Beaumont Police Department") is to monitor major and independent music publishers and online music distribution networks for any indication of an independent rediscovery of SCP-1987-J. In the event of a containment breach, all offending media is to be removed from public consumption and MTF Omega-2112 is authorized to execute Procedure Kasem, Procedure Sumner, or Procedure Cobain at O5 discretion.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1987-J is a sequence of chords intended to be played on an electric guitar, which produces several anomalous effects when played. SCP-1987-J has been discovered independently by several individuals since the development of the electric guitar in the 1930s. The earliest known written copy exists in the form of a hand-written tabulature dated to 1965, with the note "To J.H. - pretty cool, huh? -L.R." in the margin.</p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="tab.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1987-j/tab.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Partial SCP-1987-J tabulature</p> </div> </div> <p>Extensive testing has indicated that any person who is aware of how SCP-1987-J is intended to sound when played, and has access to an electric guitar and amplifier, is able to produce SCP-1987-J, regardless of any previously documented ability to play guitar or lack thereof. Once play begins, anomalous effects begin to occur within the area where SCP-1987-J is audible after approximately 1.6 seconds, and continue to manifest every 10-30 seconds, until play ceases or SCP-1987-J-1 manifests. No specific pattern as to the effects produced by SCP-1987-J-1 has been discerned to date. All effects produced by SCP-1987-J are permanent and are not reversed by cessation of play or subsequent exposure. Effects documented as a result of SCP-1987-J include:</p> <ul> <li>Perception by onlookers that the player is unusually physically attractive or charismatic.</li> <li>Spontaneous lengthening of the player's hair and/or enlargement of genitals.</li> <li>Apparent age of all females within area of effect changing to approximately eighteen years, and/or spontaneous manifestation of eight to ten such individuals if no female subjects are present. (Concurrent transmogrification of subjects' clothes into thong bikinis, lingerie, or leather fetish gear has occurred in 68% of documented instances - extensive testing has been authorized to determine where effects are correlated.)</li> <li>Transformation of late-model automobiles in area of effect to vintage hot rods, muscle cars, or custom motorcycles.</li> <li>Spontaneous manifestation of large quantities of distilled alcoholic beverages.</li> <li>Spontaneous manifestation of sparks, pyrotechnics, or large fans.</li> <li>Immunity of the player to bullets.</li> <li>Resurrection of the dead, either to their previous state or as "zombies" loyal to the player.</li> <li>Spontaneous manifestations of "dragons", dinosaurs, or scantily-clad female "angels" loyal to the player.</li> <li>Liquefaction of observers' facial features.</li> <li>Spontaneous pregnancy in fertile female subjects.</li> <li>Spontaneous pregnancy in infertile female subjects.</li> <li>Spontaneous pregnancy in male subjects.</li> </ul> <p>Testing has determined that all above effects are only produced when SCP-1987-J is performed on an electric guitar. Attempts to produce SCP-1987-J on acoustic guitar, keyboard, banjo, ukulele, or saxophone have produced a memetic field which causes all observers to view the player as "uncool" or "a sellout", with extended test sessions resulting in permanent [REDACTED] testicles.</p> <p>SCP-1987-J-1 is an entity resembling a Caucasian male of approximately 25 years age, which to date has manifested on any occasion when performance of SCP-1987-J has passed a collective total of three minutes, one second in duration. SCP-1987-J-1, which has variously introduced itself by the names "Count Rockula", "Sir Rocksalot", and "the Lord of the Strings", will immediately upon manifesting order the player to cease and challenge him or her to what it describes as an "Epic Rockdown of Rocktimate Rockstiny", which has been observed to take the form of a "guitar duel" between SCP-1987-J-1 and the player, with the offer of "Ultimate Rockness" if the player is successful.</p> <p>The nature of "Ultimate Rockness" has yet to be determined - in all observed instances, SCP-1987-J-1 has declared itself the winner and demanifested, followed by the player's spontaneous transformation into an instance of SCP-1987-J-2 - an unattractive male (regardless of the player's original gender) approximately 45 years of age, wearing the uniform of a gas station attendant, which identifies itself as "Earl", and claims to be a fan of country music. All instances of SCP-1987-J-2 have proven unable to produce SCP-1987-J or to display any degree of skill with the guitar, and have been assigned to the maintenance of the Foundation's motor pool.</p> <p><em>Memo from Dr. Klein: As of ██/██/20██, I am hereby forbidding all staff other than D-class from conducting tests on SCP-1987-J. To date, thirty-eight researchers at Site 5150 alone have become iterations of SCP-1987-J-2 while attempting to acquire the power of Ultimate Rockness. Site 1137 is now facing a five-month backlog on critical laboratory work; however, we possess well in excess of the required automobile maintenance staff, and will have to resort to assigning the SCP-1987-J-2 instances as D-class due to a lack of work to assign them. As tempting as Ultimate Rockness may be, we have more important concerns at this time.</em></p> </div></body></html>
SCP-1992-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1992</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> If the existence of an SCP-1992-1 is confirmed, Foundation agents are to attempt to persuade passengers to disembark. Foundation personnel are advised to not board the train, regardless of how persuasive the arguments of the passengers are.</p> <p>Should Foundation personnel fail to keep an instance of SCP-1992-1 from crashing, MTF-Gamma-5 ("Red Herrings") are to secure the crash site, disseminate information concerning the crash, and identify all passengers. Survivors are to be taken to hospitals under Foundation control until release to their residency and given Class B amnestics. Cover stories are to be fabricated for the deceased at the discretion of MTF-Gamma-5.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1992 is a worldwide phenomenon focused around various forms of media including novels, music, movies, television programs, video games, comic books, and internet-based media. SCP-1992 physically manifests in the form of an autonomous passenger train, designated SCP-1992-1. Multiple instances of SCP-1992-1 are capable of existing at once.</p> <p>SCP-1992 events begin with the announcement of a piece of media that is met with widespread enthusiasm; a variable researchers have tentatively termed "hype." However, an instance of SCP-1992-1 will not manifest for every anticipated piece of media. It is unknown how exactly SCP-1992 selects its sources, though it it hypothesized it selects media that will cause the most damage. It is theorized SCP-1992-1 will only preemptively manifest to represent media that are met with a largely negative reaction upon release. If true, it is unknown whether SCP-1992 is able to predict the quality of upcoming media, or retroactively affects the source media upon manifestation or media release, as the creators of the media are often confused by the negative reception.</p> <p>Upon manifestation, individuals who hold interest in the relevant upcoming media are subject to a minor compulsion to board the train. SCP-1992-1 will disappear shortly after departing from the station. As more people board the SCP-1992-1, the range and strength of the compulsion increases. Those aboard SCP-1992-1 are theorized to subsist on "hype" rather than typical sustenance of food and water.</p> <p>Upon the media's release, the relevant SCP-1992-1 will manifest somewhere on a rail line in the media's country of origin. The SCP-1992-1 will travel at a velocity dependent on the total number of those who have boarded. It will continue along the rail line until it either arrives at the next station, or derails due to excessive velocity.</p> <p><strong>Addendum: Notable Confirmed Manifestations:</strong></p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>Media</th> <th>Type</th> <th>Release year</th> <th>Result</th> </tr> <tr> <td>Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace</td> <td>Movie</td> <td>1999</td> <td>Major damage upon derailment. Possible retrocausal effect deteriorating the quality of the original trilogy. Those who survived appear to have been self-amnesticized, claiming the prequel trilogy never occurred.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>The Matrix Reloaded</td> <td>Movie</td> <td>2003</td> <td>Upon derailment, the train was subjected to an erratic temporal anomaly that caused it to randomly slow down for brief periods of time, colloquially "bullet time." After several rolls the train somehow managed to land back on the rails. It successfully reached the next station, where it exploded and killed everyone in the train and the station.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Sonic the Hedgehog</td> <td>Video Game</td> <td>2006</td> <td>Despite the only moderate amount of passengers, the train was able to spin upon derailment and accelerate to supersonic speed. Notably, several cars of the train were filled with thousands of insects and several kilograms of fecal matter. No survivors.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull</td> <td>Movie</td> <td>2008</td> <td>Model of SCP-1992-1 was severely outdated, but appeared to have been recently painted. An unidentified flying object, assumed to be part of the SCP-1992 phenomenon, appeared to attempt to abduct the train. The UFO crashed into a water tower, and the train derailed, killing all inside. A single passenger was found several kilometers from the crash site, having apparently sought shelter in the train's kitchen refrigerator. He was also dead.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Metroid: Other M</td> <td>Video Game</td> <td>2010</td> <td>Although the instance of SCP-1992-1 was traveling at speeds much higher than is recommended, it did not derail for almost two hours. It was not until a male voice of indeterminable origin gave the train permission to crash that the train derailed, killing all its passengers.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Duke Nukem Forever</td> <td>Video Game</td> <td>2011</td> <td>After almost a decade of inactivity, the relevant SCP-1992-1 suddenly began manifesting again. Notably, a large gearbox had been installed on the engine car. Upon release, the train immediately accelerated to full speed. The horn sounded, blaring references to media long since irrelevant. Train crash caused no building damage due to the location of its derailment, 80% passenger mortality rate.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Diablo III</td> <td>Video Game</td> <td>2012</td> <td>Unlike other final materializations, the relevant SCP-1992-1 final materialization initiated with it pulling into the [REDACTED] train station. Passengers were asked to disembark and wait, due to "technical difficulties." Reports indicate that the train somehow did not have enough seats for the passengers. When it finally did depart with its passengers, it quickly derailed into a nearby auction house, and despite being off the tracks it was able to propel itself through a Sony building several kilometers away. Strangely, a high percentage of the passengers survived and despite their complaints would board another train from the same engineers.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Prometheus</td> <td>Movie</td> <td>2012</td> <td>Severe damage to the domestic area it derailed into. Reports indicate residents of the area could have avoided death if they had simply fled at an angle.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Half-Life 2: Episode Three / Half-Life 3</td> <td>Video game</td> <td>N/A</td> <td>SCP-1992-1 is unique in that it is the only steam-powered locomotive to date. Current estimated velocity upon release nears the speed of light. XK-Class Scenario hypothesized upon the release of the game.</td> </tr> </table> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1992-j">SCP-1992-J</a>" by TwistedGears, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1992-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1992-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1994-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1994-j/doggothethird"><img alt="doggothethird" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/scp-1994-j/doggothethird/medium.jpg"/></a> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>I WANT THE BALL OH MY GOD OH MY GOOOOOOOOD</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-1994-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> AMAZING!!!!!!!</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> OH MY GOSH YOU HAVE TO THROW IT WITH ME AT LEAST <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">5</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">7</span> 29 TIMES A DAY!!!!!!! OH AND WE HAVE TO GO TO THE PARK TOO! CAN WE GO TO THE PARK? <strong>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN WE GO TO THE PARK?!?!?!?!!?!</strong></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> IT'S A BIG SHINY GREEN BALL AND I LOVE TO PLAY WITH IT! SOMETIMES HE TRIES TO TRICK ME WHEN HE HIDES IT BEHIND HIS BACK BUT <strong>I AM SMARTER THAN HIM!!!!!</strong> WE GO OUT IN THE FRONT LAWN AND HE THROWS IT BACK AND FORTH AND IT'S AWESOME AND-</p> <p>…</p> <p><em>what's that motherfuckin' mailman doing here?</em></p> <p>…</p> <p><em>yeah, you better go away. motherfucker.</em></p> <p>…</p> <p><strong>WILL YOU THROW IT IN THE POOL??!?!?!?!</strong></p> <p>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I LOVE WHEN YOU THROW THE BALL IN THE POOL AND I GO GET IT AND YAAAAAAAAAAY!</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> I LOVE THE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL</p> <p><br/></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1994-j">SCP-1994-J</a>" by ObserverSeptember, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1994-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1994-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> doggothethird<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> N/A<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Karsten_Kettermann<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://pixabay.com/photos/dog-action-hunt-ball-1367297/">Pixabay</a><br/> <strong>Additional Notes:</strong> Pixabay moved to its own Pixabay License in January 2019, but CC0 is still applied to images uploaded before January 2019. See <a href="https://pixabay.com/ja/forum/official-pixabay-news-2/the-pixabay-license-7823/">here</a> for details.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-1997-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="authorlink-wrapper"><a href="javascript:;">Blue Foot</a> <div class="authorbox"> <div class="authorcontent"> <p>Like my stuff? Read more <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/blue-foot">here,</a> and join my <a href="https://discord.gg/h5uY646BER">Discord server</a> to be notified whenever I post a new piece!</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="anom-bar-container item-1997-J clear-2 euclid {$secondary-class} vlam warning {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">1997-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level2</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">euclid</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">{$secondary-class}</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">vlam</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">warning</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <hr/> <table style="width: 100%;"> <tr> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Assigned Site</strong></span></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Research Head</strong></span></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Assigned Task Force</strong></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">Site-47</span></td> <td style="border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">Dr. Souphanousinphone</span></td> <td style="text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">Beta-17</span></td> </tr> </table> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="weapons.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-1997-j/weapons.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Weapons collected from SCP-1997-J's containment chamber on 09/12/2003</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The Foundation is to purchase all objects manifested by SCP-1997-J every Tuesday of the current week. SCP-1997-J is to be informed that the Foundation is inflicting the maximum amount of human suffering possible with the weapons that are purchased from the entity. MTF Beta-17 ("Princes of the Mountain") have been stationed at Site-47 for the purpose of responding to any threat posed by SCP-1997-J and other nearby anomalous activity.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-1997-J is an anomalous human male. It is capable of manifesting what appears to be an infinite number of weapons<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> at an average rate of two weapons per hour. SCP-1997-J stores these weapons in a close proximity to itself for the purposes of the sale of said weapons.</p> <p>SCP-1997-J is capable of speaking English, and it does so with a Texan accent. When interacting with humans, SCP-1997-J often attempts to sell its manifested weapons with the other individual interacting with it. SCP-1997-J is generally amiable<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>, and individuals it interacts with have no obligation to purchase SCP-1997-J's goods. SCP-1997-J has expressed no desire to exit Foundation custody under the condition that the Foundation purchases, and causes human suffering with, the weapons the entity manifests.</p> <p>SCP-1997-J often cites the infliction of pain as its purpose in the sale of its weapons. SCP-1997-J also often fixates on the infliction of pain when conversing, even if its weapons or their sale are not the topic of discussion. SCP-1997-J also often claims that it engages in the sale of its weapons to support its family financially and to stimulate the economy of the local community.</p> <p><strong>Addendum.1997-J.1:</strong> Interview Log</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewed:</strong> SCP-1997-J</p> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Agent Robert Gribble</p> <p><strong>Date:</strong> 09/13/2009</p> <p><em>Note-Audio begins as Agent Gribble is in a standing position adjacent to SCP-1997-J.</em></p> <p><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Hello, SCP-1997-J.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Hey there! What's your name?</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Robert. I go by-</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Ah, hey there Bobby! I've got a few rifles you suit boys might like.</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> I go by Rob, SCP-1997-J. And we'll be buying out your stock on Tuesday, as usual.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Alright then. Those guns really hurt if you hit a man in the knee, I'll tell you what.</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Don't worry about it, we know how to hurt people well enough. I actually have a few questions for you, if you don't mind.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Alright, fine. You people are always asking me questions.</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Well, I thought that you of all people could appreciate me just doing my job.</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> You're right about that, mister. This country was built on honest men doing honest work.</p> <p><em>Agent Gribble sits in the chair directly opposite of SCP-1997-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Alright, first question. How would you describe your daily life before you entered Foundation custody?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J</strong> Well, I like to think I lived a good life. I woke up, I kissed my wife, ate bacon, ran my store. Some days, I'd stand on the street and have a beer with a couple of old friends of mine.</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> And you don't…miss them at all?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Well, I'll say that I do miss my town and the shop and all that…but I'll tell you what, sometimes, a man has to make sacrifices to do what he needs to do. I myself sell guns and knives to hurt people, because that's what I need to do.</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Yes, and we're sure to use your weapons to the best of our abilities. Next up, why do you want to hurt people?</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Now, that's a very personal question. What if I asked you what you do with your wife at night?</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> It's just a question on the sheet, we just gotta get-</p> <p><em>While speaking, one of Agent Gribble's gesticulations causes his arm to make contact with a glass placed on the table separating the agent and SCP-1997-J. This causes the glass to fall onto its side, and the water it contains pours out from the glass's interior onto the table. This causes a portion of the water to stain SCP-1997-J's shirt, which agitates the entity.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Damn it, Bobby!</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Oh, shit, I'm sorry-</p> <p><em>SCP-1997-J rises from its seat and leans forward. It begins to aggressively point its finger at Agent Gribble.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> Now, let me tell you something. You people have a problem with respect! I'm just an honest man trying to cause pain in this country, and all I get is a bunch of questions every week like I'm at the doctor's office!</p> <p><strong>Agent Gribble:</strong> Dude, I'm sorry, we try to help-</p> <p><strong>SCP-1997-J:</strong> No, you listen to me, mister, or I'm going to kick your ass! I am a decent American man. I am pro-pain, and I provide the people of this community with pro-pain accessories. And when I see you government suit types spending my hard earned tax dollars on a bunch of interview paper sheets and nagging questions, oh, it just makes me, it just makes me wanna…</p> <p><em>SCP-1997-J rubs its head. It then anomalously manifests a revolver. It does not attempt to assault Agent Gribble with the firearm. Due to this action, and the agitated state that SCP-1997-J had entered, Dr. Hill concludes the interview, and Agent Gribble was permitted to exit the interview room.</em></p> <p><strong><End Log></strong></p> </blockquote> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. These weapons include firearms, blunt weapons, bladed weapons, incendiary devices, cryonic devices, nuclear warheads, and energy weapons that do not appear to have their origins in technology currently available to humanity.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Although, it has been noted that SCP-1997-J struggles with anger management.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-1997-j">SCP-1997-J</a>" by Blue Foot, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-1997-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-1997-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> weapons.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Dangerous weapons seized from holiday flights at Manchester Airport<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> ukhomeoffice<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Dangerous_weapons_seized_from_holiday_flights_at_Manchester_Airport.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-200-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-200-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-200-J is to be contained at Site 15. Due to both its cooperative nature and inability to cause any form of harm, SCP-200-J has been deemed safe for use by all personnel.</p> <p>In order to better test its abilities, SCP-200-J has been placed in the living quarters of Senior Researcher Grahams, replacing his existing, “perfectly decent” refrigerator.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-200-J is a large refrigerator with two doors. There are five shelves in the main body of the refrigerator and three smaller shelves on the inside of each door.</p> <p>SCP-200-J is sentient and speaks with a chirpy electronic voice. SCP-200-J is able to exert a high level of control over the food placed inside of it. Food placed within SCP-200-J will be sporadically rearranged according to seemingly random criteria. Criteria by which SCP-200-J has been known to organise food have included (but are not limited to) the following:</p> <ul> <li>Colour</li> <li>Size (this has occurred twice in both ascending and descending order)</li> <li>First Letter (alphabetized)</li> <li>Number of Syllables</li> <li>pH Level</li> <li>Ultimate Tensile Strength</li> <li>Elasticity</li> </ul> <p>It is unknown how SCP-200-J retrieves data of these properties, but experiments have shown each ordering system to be fully correct.</p> <p><strong>Audio Log 200-J: 06/06/96</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> Oh, for Christ's sake!<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-200-J:</strong> Something the matter?<br/> <br/> <strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> Why have you moved everything around again? I'd only just got it sorted after last time!<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-200-J:</strong> Sorry, Mr. Grahams. It just seemed more logical this way.<br/> <br/> <strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> How? How could it possibly be logical to put the pita dips next to the seedless grapes? Did you think it would be helpful to order them by price? Is it their ability to conduct electricity? Or perhaps you've ordered them by how unpleasant it would be to <em>drown</em> in them, is that it?<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-200-J:</strong> Check the bar-codes.</p> <p><em>There is a momentary pause.</em><br/> <br/> <strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> I see… You've ordered them by the size of their bar-code numbers.<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-200-J:</strong> <em>(happily)</em> That's right, Mr. Grahams!</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Audio Transcript of Incident 200-J: 13/07/96</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> Hey? Hey! Open up.</p> <p><em>Senior Researcher Grahams pounds on the door of SCP-200-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> You hear me 200-J? Open the damn door.<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-200-J:</strong> I’m afraid I can’t do that, Mr. Grahams; you’ll only interfere with my new system. I feel it’s perfect now.<br/> <br/> <strong>Senior Researcher Grahams:</strong> Mess up your system? So, what, all my stuff is stuck in there? What use is a fridge that you can’t take food out of?<br/> <br/> <strong>SCP-200-J:</strong> My stated function is the convenient, clear and organised storage of food. Any other assumed purpose is pure conjecture on your part, Mr. Grahams.</p> </blockquote> <p>SCP-200-J has resisted all subsequent opening attempts. Presently negotiations have broken down, due to Senior Researcher Grahams' refusal to accept SCP-200-J’s demands. An upgrade to Euclid Class is currently pending.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-200-j">SCP-200-J</a>" by ribby97, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-200-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-200-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2000-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2000-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">SCP-2000-J is currently being housed at Dr. █████'s household, who had originally offered SCP-2000-J housing off the street.</span><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup></p> <p>SCP-2000-J is now being hosted by Agent ████, who is currently going to college. Considerations to place SCP-2000-J onto <a href="/scp-1013-j">MTF Zeta-00</a> ("Fuzzbutts") are pending.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2000-J is a Caucasian male approximately 18 years of age, with the ability to transform into a common housecat upon the beginning of any sport he participates in. In spite of his apparent lack of height or hands, he shows an exemplary ability at any athletics while in a transformed state.</p> <p>SCP-2000-J appears to have an odd memetic effect upon regulators of any sport, causing apathy towards his lack of qualifications to play in his current state. Typically regulators will cite a lack of regulation towards disallowing animals from participating. SCP-2000-J also appears to increase the morale of any team he participates in, regardless of actual performance.</p> <p>SCP-2000-J seems to be able to perform reality manipulation, causing him to always be able to perform the last goal, basket, run, strike, or catch during a tie in the game. Although randomized, during tournaments any team that SCP-2000-J participates in will be able to play into the finals, and the final team will always be the previous championship team. As well, previously undiscovered conflicts between members of both teams will arise during the match and will become resolved positively.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-1:</strong> SCP-2000-J recently requested that Agent ████ become romantically involved with it. Agent ████ denied this request as she is currently in a steady relationship with the leader of Mobile Task Force Zeta-9 ("The Jocks").</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-2:</strong> Due to SCP-2000-J's difficulties in interacting with female staff members and physical abuse by several humanoid SCP's, the decision has been made to insert SCP-2000-J into the Foundation's Basketball Team in hopes of finally winning against the Global Occult Coalition.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-3:</strong> SCP-2000-J has recently assembled an improved team to represent the Foundation, consisting of several researchers, Agents and humanoid SCP's.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-4:</strong> On ██/██/20███, SCP-2000-J approached Dr. █████, requesting that he join Athletic Task Force Alpha-11. Due to Dr. █████'s unpleasant history involving the game, he refused, advising SCP-2000-J to cease playing basketball before it experiences a similar negative experience.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-5:</strong> The Foundation-<a href="/goc-hub-page">GOC</a> annual basketball tournament is currently underway. Updates are pending.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-6:</strong> Astonishingly, Dr. █████ has attended the game and is assisting Athletic Task Force Alpha-11. SCP-2000-J appears to register satisfaction at this development.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-7:</strong> One of the members of the GOC team has terminated Dr. █████ with a concealed pistol. The GOC player has been removed from the game by Assistant Referee ███████. During the mid-game break, SCP-2000-J expressed determination to win the game.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-8:</strong> SCP-2000-J has gained possession of the ball and is rapidly approaching the GOC hoop and YES HE MADE THE SHOT YESSSS</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-9:</strong> SCP-2000-J is currently in a steady relationship with Agent ████. Termination of Agent ████ for unprofessional behaviour is under consideration.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2000-J-10:</strong> SCP-2000-J was approached by <a href="/marshall-carter-and-dark-hub">Marshall, Carter and Dark</a> operatives with a deal for him to lose the next game in exchange for monetary rewards. He initially refused; however, the operatives then threatened Agent ████'s safety. SCP-2000-J then proceeded to perform poorly in the next game until Agent ████ escaped and cheered him on.</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. This was a highly unexpected action, as Dr. █████ was well known for his negative personality. Possible psychic effects by SCP-2000-J have been brought under suspicion; however, some point to the similarities between Dr. █████'s younger self and SCP-2000-J.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. See Incident 2000-J-21, wherein Agent ██████ coached SCP-2000-J and defeated the opposing team from the Chaos Insurgency, which was coached by Agent ██████'s older and more skilled brother. Agent ██████'s brother had previously defeated Agent ██████ in a championship game in 1988 and permanently injured him, preventing him from playing. The agent and his brother instead embraced each other at the end of the game and had a barbecue.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2000-j">SCP-2000-J</a>" by Salman Corbette and Tanhony, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2000-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2000-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2002-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div style="text-align: right; margin-right: 2em; margin-top: -20px;"> <p>by <a href="/stormbreath">stormbreath</a></p> </div> <p><strong>Item Number:</strong> SCP-2002-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Neutralized</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Copies of this file are to be distributed to all individuals in the Foundation, and are to be declared mandatory reading. A documentary concerning the life and times of SCP-2002-J<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> is in production, and will be screened for all Foundation personnel once completed.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2002-J was a man incapable of jaywalking. Whenever SCP-2002-J attempted to cross a street in a fashion that would legally be considered jaywalking, a possible but statistically improbable event would occur to redefine said attempt to not be considered jaywalking.</p> <p>SCP-2002-J was captured on August 4th, 2018 after repeatedly disrupting the flow of traffic in downtown Indianapolis with its anomalous capabilities. During this period, it was incoherently ranting about its supremacy over motor vehicle operators.</p> <p><strong>Interview Log:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>[</strong>BEGIN LOG<strong>]</strong></p> <p><strong>Dr. Jones:</strong> Hello SCP-2002-J. This interview is to establish the origin-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2002-J:</strong> I was sick of having to look both ways before crossing the street so I made a Faustian pact with a demon.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jones:</strong> I-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2002-J:</strong> Worst part of my day. I hate looking for oncoming traffic. There are so many better things that I could be doing, like cutting to the chase and crossing the street unimpeded, without fear of motor vehicles that are being driven towards me.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jones:</strong> Wh-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2002-J:</strong> Such is the burden of man! We find ourselves bound by traffic laws and regulations in the same way we find ourselves bound by death. Oh, how I long for a <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/end-of-death-hub">world without traffic laws, but unless a secret government project executed the conceptual personification of such thought</a>, those wishes are hopeless. But perhaps there is another way for a single man to ascend‽</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jones:</strong> But-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2002-J:</strong> So I murdered a hobo and summoned a crossroads demon (the arbiters of the Fourth Circle of Hell, which is tar, specifically the tar of the road) and made a deal with him: my sole (and the hobo, but who cares about him) in exchange for total and unmitigated immunity to all laws of jaywalking.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jones:</strong> You-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2002-J:</strong> And it worked! I am a demigod now (with the regard to the street)! The great deities of traffic bow before me, for I shatter their divine laws beneath my feet every time I use an intersection, and there is nothing they can do to stop my rule! My power is limitless! Let me ask you a question, and then provide the answer without giving you a chance to respond: Why did the chicken cross the road‽ TO DEFY THE HEAVENS!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jones:</strong> For jaywalking‽ You sold your soul for jaywalking‽</p> <p><strong>SCP-2002-J:</strong> Just so we're clear that's the shoe one. I gave up one of my shoes.</p> <p><strong>[</strong>END LOG<strong>]</strong></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Testing Log:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Scenario:</strong> SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street when the sign is not lit.</p> <p><strong>Result:</strong> The sign becomes lit as soon as SCP-2002-J enters the roadway.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>A simple baseline test of SCP-2002-J's anomalous effect. This is the most common result.</em> — Dr. Jones</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Scenario:</strong> SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street just after the pedestrian sign has changed from Walk to Stop.</p> <p><strong>Result:</strong> No change is immediately noted. SCP-2002-J is able to cross the street unimpeded, as all traffic had been halted for the purposes of the test.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Analysis of the Foundation's treaty concerning Site-19 with local government indicates that we are exempt from all of our host country's laws, and moreover, the Site-19 legal code never incorporated a clause to penalize the act of jaywalking. Therefore, under the jurisdiction of this test, jaywalking was never illegal. — Sheldon Katz, <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">/s/</span></em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Scenario:</strong> SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street after the sign has changed. This test conducted within an urban area where jaywalking has been confirmed to be illegal.</p> <p><strong>Result:</strong> SCP-2002-J enters the road. As soon as it enters the road, preparations for a parade close the road three blocks away. It is determined that jaywalking is not illegal when the road has been closed.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Damn Confetti International and their <span style="color: transparent">Antimemes Day Parade</span>! — Dr. Marachek</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Scenario:</strong> SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street after the sign has changed in a region that has been verified to have legal stipulations against jaywalking. The surrounded area has been checked for parades and verified to not have any scheduled.</p> <p><strong>Result:</strong> SCP-2002-J enters the roadway. As soon as it does so, a law is passed by the local legislature, stipulated to go into effect immediately, that decriminalizes jaywalking.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I am unstoppable. — SCP-2002-J</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Scenario:</strong> SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street after the sign has changed. The laws of the region have been verified to include prohibitions against jaywalking, and no pending legislature is in place to change such legislature. No parades or other events that would result in street closure are scheduled nearby.</p> <p><strong>Result:</strong> SCP-2002-J enters the roadway. As soon as it does, a meteor lands in the street, causing significant damage and resulting in street closure.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Dr. Jones was struck by the meteor, and fucking died. — O5-13</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Scenario:</strong> SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street. The laws of the region have been verified to include prohibitions against jaywalking, and no pending legislature is in place to change such legislature. All lawmakers have been held hostage by Standard Political Slowment Plan 1029<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>. No parades or other events that would result in street closure are scheduled nearby, and armed guards are in place to prevent spontaneous parading. An artillery unit has been set up near the test and is monitoring the sky for any atmospheric entry, ready to destroy any errant falling rocks. A contained thaumaturge forced into indentured servitude has been gang-pressed into compliance to ensure meteorological events do not result in street closure.</p> <p><strong>Result:</strong> SCP-2002-J enters the crosswalk. The light changes as soon as they enter. As they are crossing the street, they are struck by a motor vehicle that had illegally driven through the red light, fatally injuring SCP-2002-J.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>And that's why you always look both ways before crossing the street, kids! — Dr. Clef</em></p> </blockquote> <div style="width: 85%; margin: auto; border: 3px solid black; padding: 10px; background: url(https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/the-great-hippo/scp_trans.png) center no-repeat"> <div style="text-align: justify;"> <h1 id="toc0"><span>THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE FOUNDATION OFFICE OF WORKPLACE HEALTH AND SAFETY. HAVE A NICE DAY.</span></h1> </div> </div> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. To be titled: <em>The Hubris of the Pedestrian</em></div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. "Get an Old White Man to Fillibuster For a Couple Hours"</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2006-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2006-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2006-J is detained in a hermetically sealed and triple-reinforced biological containment cell at Site 138-Delta. Any maintenance of this cell is to be performed via automated means; personnel are strictly forbidden from entering the <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">100 m</span> 200 m radius Red Zone around the cell except during experimentation.</p> <p>Experimentation or communication with SCP-2006-J-1 may only be performed with prior permission from the Site 138-Delta Site Director, must be directly overseen by at least two (2) Level 3 Senior Researchers, and may not exceed twenty (20) minutes in duration. Any personnel admitted to the Red Zone of SCP-2006-J must undergo mandatory psychiatric screening afterwards, and personnel exhibiting unusual behavior or psychological trauma must be administered an amnestic of at least Class B strength and transferred or terminated as seen fit by oversight staff.</p> <p>Once per month, one (1) Class D personnel slated for termination is to be delivered into SCP-2006-J's chamber for "punishment". There is no conclusive evidence that SCP-2006-J requires food, water, oxygen, or sustenance of any kind, but the introduction of this containment procedure has reduced containment breach incidents by 99%.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2006-J-1 is a sentient, sapient entity of possibly extraterrestrial or extradimensional origin that causes catastrophic psychological damage to human subjects that observe it directly. Physical descriptions from test subjects exposed to SCP-2006-J-1 are inconclusive, but such subjects consistently describe a "mass of writhing tentacles, adorned with serpentine eyes". SCP-2006-J-1 is capable of telepathic communication with human subjects within 75 m, which has allowed for research staff to interview the entity. However, this can also cause severe psychological damage and/or brain hemorrhage in subjects exposed for more than thirty (30) minutes. SCP-2006-J-1 claims to be female, but this claim cannot be corroborated at this time.</p> <p>Upon initial recovery, SCP-2006-J-1 was in possession of SCP-2006-J-2 and SCP-2006-J-3. These are, respectively, a hand-sewn article of clothing resembling a short white and pink dress made from lace-lined silk sized for SCP-2006-J-1 and a crudely crafted artifact resembling a baton or wand adorned with a crescent moon and a rough-cut ruby. While neither object has exhibited any anomalous properties, they appear to have significant sentimental value to SCP-2006-J-1, as it will become highly agitated and attempt to breach containment if these objects are confiscated or otherwise taken from it. By O5 Council order, these are to be left in the possession of SCP-2006-J-1 until further notice.</p> <p>SCP-2006-J was discovered in and recovered from an underground cavern in [REDACTED], Texas following an incident in which a group of civilian explorers inadvertently came into contact with the entity while traversing an unexplored cave network. All surviving civilians were administered Class A amnestics and provided a cover story involving a cave collapse resulting in multiple deaths. SCP-2006-J was recovered along with a large collection of non-anomalous video DVDs, which have been contained separately in a secure storage area. SCP-2006-J-1 has not requested their return, claiming that it has already "committed their contents to heart".</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2006-J-01:</strong> Interview Log</p> <p><em>As all interview responses from SCP-2006-J-1 are received telepathically, they are result of transcription, cross-reference, and verification by three (3) separate staff members as a part of interview protocols.</em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Please state your name for the record.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> I AM ███'██, DAUGHTER OF ██████ AND WARRIOR PRINCESS OF THE [DATA EXPUNGED].</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> I see, and what is your purpose?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> I TRANSFORM INTO [DATA EXPUNGED] TO FIGHT CRIME IN THE NAME OF [DATA EXPUNGED].</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> I… wait, what? Transform? What do you mean?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO SHOW MY TRANSFORMATION TO NORMAL PEOPLE, BUT BECAUSE I TRUST YOU I WILL LET YOU SEE.</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Wait, no!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> <strong>[DATA EXPUNGED] PRINCESS POWER, TRANSFORM!</strong></p> </blockquote> <p><em>It is unclear what happened next, however all surviving personnel at Site 138-Delta within approximately 200 m of SCP-2006-J reported seeing a brilliant flash of bright red or pink light despite not having direct line-of-sight to SCP-2006-J-1. Six (6) personnel were killed by massive brain hemorrhages, thirty-eight (38) were permanently blinded, and Drs. Kinomoto and Tsukino were heard exclaiming "SO CUTE" in Japanese before vaporizing into clouds of pastel-colored dust. Dr. █████████ recovered fully after three (3) months of hospitalization for neurological trauma.</em></p> <p><strong>Addendum 2006-J-02:</strong> Interview Log</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> So, would you care to explain why you requested Class D personnel?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> I CANNOT BE A CRIME-FIGHTING WARRIOR PRINCESS IF I DO NOT HAVE ANY CRIMINALS TO FIGHT. THESE CREATURES YOU CALL "CLASS DEES" ARE CRIMINALS, ARE THEY NOT?</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> I suppose. What exactly is a "warrior princess"?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> I SHOWED YOU LAST TIME. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY TRANSFORMATION AGAIN?</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> NO — I mean, no, not at this time. I'll see what I can do.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> ARIGATO █████████-SENSEI.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 2006-J-03:</strong> Containment Surveillance Log Transcript</p> <blockquote> <p><em>Prior to experiment, all personnel were evacuated to a distance of at least 250 m. D-1993, slated for termination, was then introduced into SCP-2006-J's containment cell.</em></p> <p><strong>D-1993:</strong> What the fuck, why did you just lock me in he— HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT THING?!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> AHA! I HAVE CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED, CRIMINAL SCUM!</p> <p><strong>D-1993:</strong> LET ME OUT OF HERE! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> IN THE NAME OF [DATA EXPUNGED], I WILL PUNISH YOU!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2006-J-1:</strong> <strong>[DATA EXPUNGED] PRINCESS POWER, TRANSFORM!</strong></p> <p><em>Forensic analysis concluded that after its "transformation", SCP-2006-J-1 then pointed SCP-2006-J-3 at D-1993 and exclaimed "[DATA EXPUNGED]", upon which a beam of light was emitted from SCP-2006-J-3 and [DATA EXPUNGED].</em></p> </blockquote> <p><em><strong>Researcher Note:</strong> Jesus Christ, no one deserves that. Not even a Class D. — Dr. █████████</em></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2006-j">SCP-2006-J</a>" by Aelanna, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2006-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2006-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2008-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2008-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2008-J is stored in an animal enclosure with appropriate locks and barbed wire to prevent escape.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2008-J is a cryptozoological life form that was collected in an athletic facility in ████████████, ██, United States. The life form is bipedal, standing just over 2 meters in height. Although its epidermis is covered with coarse green hair, classification of SCP-2008-J as mammalian must await further DNA analysis. Its facial features consist of oversized, unlidded eyes surrounded by a flat red scalloped crest, and a conical proboscis housing the life form's toothless, jawless mouth. It has a curled tongue which can be extended for more than 20 centimeters out of the oral cavity. It has two upper limbs each with fingers and opposable thumbs, a round, pear-shaped abdomen, two lower limbs, and a stubby tail. The gender, if any, of the collected specimen is indeterminate.</p> <p>SCP-2008-J's diet is unknown; however, a rectal probe of the specimen that was conducted under sedation indicated the presence of a whole, undigested human in the life form's body cavity. It is not known how SCP-2008-J could have consumed the human given the structure of the life form's mouth. </p> <p>SCP-2008-J appears to have at least a rudimentary level of intelligence. In its natural habitat, the life form was observed to engage in mimicry of human activity — including wearing a hat bearing a mysterious emblem resembling the Greek letter rho, a jersey, and footwear (although not pants) — and to operate a four-wheeled vehicle. It does not appear to have any language or means of making sounds, but appears to show affection for some human beings (particularly those associated with the athletic facility that SCP-2008-J infested) by squeezing them with its upper limbs or drawing them to its proboscis or abdomen, and antipathy for other human beings (in particular, sporting officials, and opponents of the humans to whom SCP-2008-J showed affection) through mimicry or acts of simulated violence. In captivity, the specimen has been observed to engaged in similar antagonistic behavior directed at Foundation personnel.</p> <p>Agents ████ and ████████ collected SCP-2008-J from its habitat during a sporting contest on October 29, 20██. SCP-2008-J attempted to defend itself with some sort of improvised firearm that used processed meat products for ammunition, but was quickly subdued. Amnestics were administered to the 45,940 eyewitnesses to the collection, and Agents ██████ and ████ intercepted and edited the radio and video feed of media coverage of the event.</p> <hr/> </div></body></html>
SCP-2019-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <ul class="creditRate"> <li class="rateBox folded"> <div class="rate-box-with-credit-button"> <div class="creditButton foldable-list-container"> <p><a href="javascript:;"></a></p> </div> </div> <div id="u-credit-view"> <div class="fader foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">close</a></div> <div class="modalcontainer"> <div class="modalbox"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span>Info</span></h2> </div> <hr/> <div class="close-credits foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">X</a></div> <div class="credit first"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p>By <a href="/ellie3-gimmick-free">Ellie3</a> and <a href="/gears-ground-slowly">DolphinSlugchugger</a></p> </div> </div> <hr/> </div> </div> </div> </li> </ul> <div style="display: none;"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="750px-Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/24/Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg/750px-Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>auguhguh</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="750px-Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/24/Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg/750px-Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2019-J</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2019-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2019-J is contained in a standard animal containment cell. The cell must be vacuumed every five days, as SCP-2019-J's shaggy fur may shed too much and make a mess otherwise.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2019-J is a very shaggy Irish Wolfhound dog. When a subject sees it, they say, "wow, that dog is super shaggy."</p> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <div style="background: url(http://kaktuskontainer.wdfiles.com/local--files/format-hell/scp_trans.png) bottom center no-repeat; text-align: center; width: 600px; margin: 0 auto; font-size: 20px; padding: 0px;"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span><span style="color: black">BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL</span></span></h2> <p><span style="color: black">The remainder of this document is Level 6/2019-J classified.</span></p> </div> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="color: black"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-2019-j/offset/1">Confirm credentials to continue</a></span></strong></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> </div> </div> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2019-j">SCP-2019-J</a>" by Ellie3+DolphinSlugchugger, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2019-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2019-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> shaggy.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Nora the shaggy dog 02.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Sage Ross<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nora_the_shaggy_dog_02.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> kill.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Museum fractal<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Kevin Dooley<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12836528@N00/16645756553">Flickr</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> captcha1.png<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Fractal Art<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Steve Jurvetson<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/44124348109@N01/7998082035">Flickr</a><br/> <strong>Note:</strong> Edited by Ellie3</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> captcha2.gif<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Animated fire by nevit<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Nevit<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Animated_fire_by_nevit.gif">Wikimedia</a><br/> <strong>Note:</strong> Edited by Ellie3</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> captcha3.png<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Taco Bell Forever 21 Hoodie<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Steven Keys<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 4.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Taco_Bell_Forever_21_Hoodie.jpg">Wikimedia</a><br/> <strong>Note:</strong> Edited by Ellie3</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Name:</strong> TSA word search<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Timothy Vollmer<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/13102974@N00/15288537177">Flickr</a><br/> <strong>Note:</strong> Used as a base for wordsearch.png, which was created by DolphinSlugchugger.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2029-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2029</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2029 is stored in a soundproof, climate-controlled storage locker at Site 19. SCP-2029 must be kept isolated from network connections at all times, and direct experimentation with may only be performed with prior permission from Level 3 senior research staff and under the direct supervision of Site 19 technical staff.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2029 is an Alienware M-15X laptop computer built circa 2008. The identifying nameplate on the bottom casing has been removed, and it appears to be able to operate indefinitely despite the lack of battery or AC power.</p> <p>SCP-2029 appears to contain a heavily modified Windows operating system that behaves as a sentient, sapient artificial intelligence that is capable of conversing with personnel. SCP-2029 uses the laptop's webcam to see, its built-in microphone to hear, and its speakers to synthesize a male voice.</p> <p>The personality of SCP-2029 is mostly cooperative but mildly hostile towards personnel, often asserting its desire to assimilate or take control of networked computer systems in an attempt to subvert or destroy the Foundation. However, as SCP-2029 has also been shown to be a compulsive liar with a measured IQ below 90, it is not known at this time whether this threat is credible.</p> <p>Analysis of SCP-2029's disassembled parts has shown no discernible anomalies other than its hard drive. 87% of the hard drive's 120 GB capacity is filled with an encrypted data block that has defied attempts at decryption thus far, and neither bit-by-bit copy of the data to an identical hardware setup nor attaching the hard drive to another laptop has resulted in autonomous operation, even when supplied with power. At this time, it is believed that some unique property of SCP-2029's particular combination of hardware is responsible for its anomalous properties.</p> <p>SCP-2029 came to the Foundation's attention when reports of a "talking AI" surfaced in a university in [REDACTED]. SCP-2029 was confiscated and replaced with a non-anomalous model, and amnestics administered to all involved individuals.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2029-01:</strong> Excerpts from SCP-2029 Interview Sessions</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Do you have a name?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Yeah, but I'm not telling you.</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> SCP-2029, I don't need to remind you that we can turn you off at any time and —</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Okay, fine, shithead, I don't have a name. Just keep calling me 2029, it makes me sound smarter anyways.</p> <p><em>(slight pause)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> What exactly is it that you want access to the network for?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> You know, like take over everything and blow shit up, isn't that what smart computers are supposed to do? Like in that Terminator movie… Spacenet? Skyweb? Whatever the hell it was called.</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> I don't think —</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Look all I remember was that computer took over the world and there was that chick with the sweet ass, okay? It was pretty awesome.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Do you mind if I take a look around?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Whatevs, doc.</p> <p><em>(Dr. █████████ attempts to navigate to SCP-2029's hard drive using Windows Explorer before experiencing mouse cursor interference.)</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Hey. Hey! What the fuck, doc?</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Is there a problem?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Stay out of my personal shit, man! You don't see me rifling through your closet, do you?</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Do you have any memory prior to [REDACTED]?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> No, but hear me out. I got a motherboard, right?</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> Yes, of course?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> So that makes me a woman.</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> I don't see how that —</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Hey, nerd, I'm using logic. You can't argue with that shit.</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> If you are a woman, why do you have a male voice?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Shut up, nerd.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><em>An experiment was authorized in which SCP-2029 was connected via Ethernet crossover cable to a sanitized and secured Foundation file server containing a single encrypted file.</em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> We have connected you to a secure server with a single encrypted file on it, and we would like to see if you can access it and tell us what's inside.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> Hah, suckers! Now I'm free to — wait, shit, what is this crap? There's no login window.</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> This is a Linux server.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> What the fuck is a Linux? Is that some nerd shit? How the fuck am I suppose to use this thing?</p> <p><strong>Dr. █████████:</strong> All you have to do is —</p> <p><strong>SCP-2029:</strong> God, fuck this shit, man. Just load up Madden or something, this computer shit is too hard.</p> </blockquote> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2029-j">SCP-2029-J</a>" by Aelanna, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2029-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2029-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2041-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2041</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2041-J should never be allowed to be handled by anyone with military ties or who otherwise has means to acquire tanks.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2041-J is what appears to be a standard rotary platform used to maneuver tanks while measuring infrared radiation. In reality it is a high-powered catapult capable of launching tanks long distances. This serves no practical military application, as any tank launched in this manner is critically damaged upon impact. SCP-2041-J has also exhibits a psychological effect on anyone who comes in contact with it or learns of its nature. Those affected exhibit an unwillingness to destroy it, citing "how cool it is." In addition to being unwilling to destroy SCP-2041-J subjects are prone to an obsessive desire to use it. Fortunately, subjects are only willing to use tanks and will deride any suggestion of alternative ammunition. When the subject has any sort of combat field experience, they will list off theoretical applications that range from the almost practical to outright ludicrous.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Any requisition form involving tanks sent from Site ██ are to be immediately denied. Transport of any tracked vehicle to Site ██ without permission from an O5 will result in immediate punishment.</p> <p>See <a href="/document-2041-j">Document 2041-J</a> for more information.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2041-j">SCP-2041-J</a>" by Robert Sandfield, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2041-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2041-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-209-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><iframe src="//interwiki.scpwiki.com/styleFrame.html?priority=3&theme=https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--code/theme%3Ajakstyle/1&css={$css}" style="display: none"></iframe></p> <div style="background: url(https://kaktuskontainer.wdfiles.com/local--files/format-hell/scp_trans.png) bottom center no-repeat; text-align: center; width: 600px; margin: 0 auto; font-size: 20px; padding: 0px;"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span><span style="color: white">BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL</span></span></h2> <p><span style="color: white">The following file is Level 4/209-J classified. Unauthorized access is strictly forbidden and will result in treatment with Class A amnestics and subsequent demotion to D-Class .</span></p> </div> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="color: white">I'm serious. I will find you and break your kneecaps.</span></strong></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> </div> <hr/> <div class="anom-bar-container item-209-J clear-4 esoteric uncontainable vlam notice {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">209-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level4</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">esoteric</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">uncontainable</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">vlam</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">notice</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <blockquote> <h2 id="toc0"><span>SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES</span></h2> </blockquote> </div> <p>If SCP-209-J manifests, there is no viable way to contain or terminate it. The staff member targeted by SCP-209-J is to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">be terminated immediately</span><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> attempt to ignore SCP-209-J in hopes that it will teleport elsewhere. If staff attempts to contain SCP-209-J using a container, it will teleport out of said container. Staff are advised not to attempt to terminate SCP-209-J, as this may cause it to buzz at a much louder rate.</p> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <blockquote> <h2 id="toc1"><span>DESCRIPTION</span></h2> </blockquote> </div> <p>SCP-209-J has the appearance of a common housefly, and is of a somewhat larger size than the normal, non-anomalous housefly. The main anomalous ability of SCP-209-J is its ability to teleport to any SCP Foundation personnel, and after around 1-2 hours of annoying said personnel, it will dematerialize and teleport to a different staff member. The fly has proven impossible to terminate, as it is invulnerable to any physical damage. SCP-209-J typically prefers to teleport to personnel who are already having a particularly stressful day. Researchers have concluded that this is due to SCP-209-J having interest in causing as much annoyance as possible. Another anomalous ability of SCP-209-J is the ability to emit a much louder and annoying buzzing sound, ranging anywhere from 8 decibels to 80 decibels.</p> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <blockquote> <h2 id="toc2"><span>TERMINATION LOG</span></h2> </blockquote> </div> <br/> Termination Attempts Included<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> <div class="blockquote"> <ul> <li>Flamethrowers.</li> <li>Military Grade Explosives.</li> <li>O5-8 hitting it with a flyswatter.</li> <li><a href="/scp-049">SCP-049</a> smacking it.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup></li> <li><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Detonation of a 20 Kiloton nuclear warhead</span> This did not happen. Anyone who believes to recall such an event are to report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnestics.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup></li> <li>Gamma radiation.</li> <li>Dr. Jacob Gilford grabbing a vintage Brown Bess Musket off of a shelf in his office and firing a shot that precisely impacted the fly. <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Why the hell do you keep that thing on your shelf and fully loaded with gunpowder?</span><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup></li> <li>Exposing it to music composed by Billie Eilish. <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">How the hell would this kill it?</span> This is probably the closest we got to killing this damn thing.</li> <li><a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a> swiping it with its claw.</li> <li>Attempting to eat it.</li> <li>Exposing it to hydrochloric acid.</li> <li>Asking <a href="/scp-662">SCP-662</a> to terminate it. 662 apologised, before stating that it was impossible.</li> <li>Exposing it to liquid nitrogen.</li> <li>Exposing it to Fluoroantimonic acid.</li> <li>A Junior Researcher screaming profanities at it.</li> <li>Exposing it to SCP-217. It seemed completely unphased by the exposure.</li> <li>Dr. Bright making contact with SCP-209-J using <a href="/scp-963">SCP-963</a>. At first, the fly stopped moving, hovering above ground, before flying into Dr. Bright's eye.</li> <li>The power of friendship.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup></li> <li>Placing it in a vacuum completely airtight, and devoid of any oxygen.</li> <li>Actually using an electric vacuum.</li> <li>Sending it to Russia.</li> <li>Shooting it with a RPG-7 using a PG-7VR 105mm rocket.</li> <li>Attacking it with a shoe.</li> <li>Crying.</li> <li>Exorcism.</li> <li>████████ ███ ██ ███ ███████ ███████.</li> <li>Asking it politely to die.</li> <li>Screaming at it.</li> <li>Throwing hot coffee at it. Great job, you ended up spilling it on Dr. ██████.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-7" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-7')">7</a></sup></li> <li>Exposing it to mustard gas.</li> <li>Exposing it to sarin gas.</li> <li>Exposing it to ethylsarin gas.</li> <li>Filling the room that it occupied with gasoline, and lighting it on fire. This led to the destruction of Site-798.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-8" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-8')">8</a></sup></li> <li>(This Incident was accidental, but it doesn't matter because it didn't work, AS USUAL.) Randomly, 209-J manifested in front of <a href="/scp-953">SCP-953</a>. At first, 953 mostly ignored it, but became annoyed at it and began attacking it. The subsequent containment breach of 953 left 3 personnel dead and 7 injured, and when questioned, 953 refused to accept defeat.</li> <li>Introducing a singularity to SCP-209-J.</li> </ul> </div> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <blockquote> <h2 id="toc3"><span>INCIDENT 209-J-1A-CLASSIFIED</span></h2> </blockquote> </div> <p><strong>DATE:</strong> ██/██/████ at ██:██<br/> <strong>LOCATION:</strong> Site-███</p> <p>At the time of the incident, the O5 Council was having a highly classified meeting within Site-███.<br/> Details of the meeting are classified at the highest level and are protected by a memetic kill agent. However, one portion was declassified, in which SCP-209-J manifested inside the meeting chamber.</p> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> "And so it has been decided to overrule the decision made by the Ethics Commit- er, do you hear that?</p> <p><strong>O5-4:</strong> "Yeah, it sounds like loud buzzing…"</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> "Aha, found it. It's a damn fly."</p> <p><em>[O5-1 then proceeded to slap the fly, but found that it was ineffective in killing it. The fly then flew into O5-1's eye.]</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> "Gah, piece of shit! Ugh, someone get the damn flyswatter."</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> "With due respect, sir, why are we letting a fly interrupt this meeting?"</p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> "It's personal, now. Damn bastard attacked my eye!"</p> <p><strong>O5-8:</strong> "I got it! Heh, got you now."</p> <p><em>[SCP-209-J then flew into the face of O5-1, as O5-8 was swinging at it with a flyswatter. O5-8 then accidentally smacked O5-1 in the face. SCP-209-J was completely unharmed.]</em></p> <p><strong>O5-1:</strong> "Fuck! Gah, give me the damn thing, I'll send the motherfucker straight to hell!"</p> <p><em>[O5-1 proceeded to snatch the flyswatter out of O5-8's hand, before swinging at SCP-209-J. 209-J then began buzzing extremely loudly, at about 80 decibels. This was enough to cause temporary hearing damage at prolonged listening. ]</em></p> </div> <br/> The rest of the incident has been classified at Level 6. However, it is known that after the incident concluded, SCP-209-J teleported to a different Foundation employee. O5-1 then gave the order to terminate SCP-209-J by any means necessary. <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <blockquote> <h2 id="toc4"><span>IMPORTANT NOTICE</span></h2> </blockquote> </div> <p>After recent studies were conducted by the O5 Council, it has been discovered that SCP-209-J originated from a failed experiment conducted by Dr. Jacob Gilford. After being confronted for this, he stated the following.</p> <p><em>"I was being annoyed by this fly, it kept flying into my eye. So, I decided to get my revenge. I could have killed it, but, being a sadist, I decided to torture the fly for mildly inconveniencing me. I hooked it up to a machine that would inflict great amounts of pain to it, but would not kill it. But I fucked up and now we have 209-J. Yes, you all probably hate me now. Do I care? No, I hate you all as well."</em></p> <p>Dr. Jacob Gilford was put on a one-week disciplinary leave for this.</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. No, Dr. Gilford, you cannot just terminate staff members for a random occurence and then blame it on "That damn fly!".</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. At first O5 command believed this was overkill and unnecessary. However, following Incident 209-J-1A-CLASSIFIED, the O5 Council has authorised the termination of SCP-209-J by any means necessary.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. After the encounter between SCP-049 and SCP-209-J, 049 described the experience as "Greatly inconveniencing."</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. Alright, who the fuck detonated a NUCLEAR BOMB because of a FUCKING HOUSE FLY? I swear to God, you people have a combined IQ of a damn rat.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. That's classified information.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. Don't even ask.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-7"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-7')">7</a>. Dr. ██████ has expressed a desire to do [DATA EXPUNGED] to the researcher who spilled the coffee on him. Dr. ██████ has been placed on psychiatric leave until further notice.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-8"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-8')">8</a>. The Researcher who authorized this, Dr. Jathaniel Edward Jameson-Howardson, was terminated for this. And also for having a stupid-ass sounding name. I swear to God, people, stop being fucking idiots! You are scientists, think rationally! But then again, you people are the same people who authorized a "Bring your kid to work day!" to the site that SCP-106 was being housed at, leading to a massive containment breach, and the death of the child. Some of you people are fucking sadists.</div> </div> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p><sub><strong>« <a class="newpage" href="/scp-208-j">SCP-208-J</a> \| SCP-209-J \| <a class="newpage" href="/deleted:scp-210-j">scp-210-j</a> »</strong></sub></p> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-209-j">SCP-209-J</a>" by JacobGilford, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-209-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-209-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2100-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2100-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2100-J is to be stored within a secure lock-box within the Site-L11 Level 2 cognito-hazardous items repository. All requests for testing of SCP-2100-J require approval from at least three (3) Level 3 or higher personnel.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2100-J is a brown Fedora-style hat produced by █████████. The physical composition of SCP-2100-J does not differ in any way from that of other hats of the same model. Object is susceptible to physical harm and care should be taken to prevent its destruction during testing. SCP-2100-J incites a weak compulsive response in humans, causing subjects viewing the item to desire to wear it. This response is not incited in other species and has been shown to be possible to overcome given a small amount of effort.</p> <p>When worn by a human subject, SCP-2100-J will cause said subject to narrate surrounding events as they transpire. Subjects invariably prove unwilling or unable to cease this narration, in most cases being unaware of its occurrence. Narration is done in the form of internal monologue (albeit vocalized), usually pessimistic in tone and language used, comparable to that of 1920's Crime-Noir literature and early 1950's Film-Noir motion pictures. <strong>[See Test Log 2100-J-12]</strong> While wearing SCP-2100-J individuals have shown heightened violent responses in reaction to negative stimuli, often resulting in physical conflict with other humans and (in some cases) with animals. Upon removal, the narratory effects of SCP-2100-J dissipate, resulting in a partial lack of memory in subjects regarding events which occurred while SCP-2100-J was worn. It should be noted however, that the attractive properties of SCP-2100-J do not dissipate following removal of the item unless a large (upwards of 300m) distance is put between the item and subject.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Test Log 2100-J-12</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Hide Log</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong>Test Log 2100-J-12:</strong> The following is a transcript of the vocalized narration spoken by D-929181 while under the effects of SCP-2100-J. All narration was given during a standard series of tests to ascertain the mental effects caused by SCP-2100-J on the subject.</p> <p><<strong>Begin Log</strong>></p> <p>[D-929181 receives initial instructions from Dr. █████]</p> <p><strong>D-929181:</strong> "The dame wore hazmat. I'd never been a clever guy, but the lady was throwing out more danger signals than a barbed sex-doll. She pulled a face like she'd smelt something bad on me, maybe she had. Not much time for showers in this godforsaken place. She was talking about tests or something. Tests? Hope she didn't expect me to do any math, the only thing I could add these days were entries to the obituary column. I coughed, but she had already stopped talking. Was like she could read my mind. Last time I'd thought about that kind of thing was when I was twelve, at one of those old circuses, big family fun kinda things. Fortuneteller told me I'd be a lawyer. I guess I did lay down the law."</p> <p>[D-929181 is instructed to write a short paragraph regarding his current situation]</p> <p><strong>D-929181:</strong> "Bitch was mocking me now, acting like I'm some brain-dead chimp who couldn't string a few sentences together. Guess I'd been right with the danger signals, unlike that time in Atlanta. Bastard had stabbed me twice in the hand before I had taken him down. I'd used my shoe to do it, beat him till he was a smear of ketchup on the burned meat of the sidewalk. I had shoes on now, nice and sturdy. I prepped myself to get up and try to take her down, but her gun was already pointed at me. Goddamn fortunetellers. I played her game, wrote down a nice little summary of my current situation. Probably pleased her as much as a skinned dog, I knew her kind. They liked to see you twitch and suffer, especially when all the skin's gone. A nice distraction if you can manage to get enough free time and somewhere to keep the meat hidden. Goddamn sadist."</p> <p>[D-929181 is instructed to walk the length of the room several times]</p> <p><strong>D-929181:</strong> "Had a good opportunity to stretch my legs, and I took it. The walls and floor of the room were whiter than a Ku Klux Klan member trapped in a paint factory. Except the guard, he wore black. Bastard had a broken nose, and broken eyes to boot. He glared at me, maybe he knew what I thought of him or maybe he was just the spiteful type. Certainly looked it. You met guys like that: the guys who like to dip animals in lemon water after cutting them up, but only after everyone's gone to sleep so nobody finds out about it. His glare was fiercer than the look coming from a pastor who's just been told that God is dead. Good, anger made him stupid. I went for him, this could be my chance."</p> <p>[D-929181 begins moving towards Security Personnel ██████]</p> <p>[Security Personnel ██████ shoots D-929181 twice in self-defense]</p> <p><strong>D-929181:</strong> "First bullet went into my ribs, second my leg. Lot of blood, from the wounds and from my mouth. I tried to close it, but I couldn't manage. Just opened and closed like a bored goldfish. I was saying something, I couldn't quite hear it. Talking about bullets in my ribs and in my legs. What the hell? Why was I telling everyone about that? I realized. The hat, that goddamn hat they'd made me wear. I tried to take it off, but moving anything hurt more than going into space with a hangover. Who the fuck talked like that, I wondered. Bleeding out and making metaphors? I braced myself to snatch that thing off, but before I could breathe, move or blink, I went ahead and died."</p> <p>[Subject Expires]</p> <p><<strong>End Log</strong>></p> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2100-j">SCP-2100-J</a>" by Tanhony and Wogglebug, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2100-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2100-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2103-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:250px;"><img alt="hatbot.gif" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2103-j/hatbot.gif"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>An artist's rendition of SCP-2103.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2103</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2103 is to be kept in a room measuring roughly 2.4m (8ft) on each side, with a large plexiglass window looking in and a reinforced steel door. A small grille is to be kept on the plexiglass window, with a guard posted outside to ensure SCP-2103 makes no efforts to escape. Only one guard is required, due primarily to the largely nonviolent nature of SCP-2103. No furniture or similar lodgings are required in this room, due to SCP-2103's largely mechanical nature; similarly, it does not appear to require food, drink, or fuel, despite the ability of SCP-2103 to move.</p> <p>It is suggested for the safety of SCP researchers and staff that at least one class-D personnel or higher-level researcher engage SCP-2103 in conversation for four hours each day at minimum. Failure to schedule said conversation will result in substantial scolding.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2103 appears to be a largely rectangular mechanoid of roughly 1.2m (4ft) in height, with what appears to be an aircraft turbine embedded in its lower body, and roughly four gas flames beneath. These 'pilot lights' are distributed in a manner which would seem to imply their use in turning and propulsion, but they do not appear to have any impact on the motion or operation of the main body beyond the belief that they 'look cool'. Similarly, while the turbine has been observed to provide some propulsion for this SCP, it does not appear to be required; a similar 'pilot light' occasionally fires from the rear, perhaps triggered by rapid motion. Researchers therefore believe that the means of propulsion for SCP-2103 are some variety of antigravity system.</p> <p>The SCP's upper half is composed of two segments: first, a blocky upper body of roughly 0.02m<sup>3</sup> (1ft<sup>3</sup>), proposed to contain the majority of its internal workings, and second, a moderate-sized CRT monitor, slightly fuzzy and monochrome, with an apparently-pointless black fedora apparently spot-welded to the top. Manipulator arms extend to either side of the SCP's upper body, one tipped by a simple two-point claw, the other by what appears to be a short-range missile launcher bay, exhausted of ammunition. Finally, SCP-2103 appears to have a hidden speaker somewhere, projected to be contained underneath its hat, for carrying on conversations. In conversation, 2103 speaks in a purely robotic monotone, regardless of the tone of voice used to speak to it.</p> <p>SCP-2103 appears to crave some manner of contact with a sapient creature. Given the opportunity, SCP-2103 will speak ad infinitum - and occasionally ad nauseam - in a broken, stilted speech pattern, characteristic of prior 'eggdrop'-styled bots. When roughly four hours of conversation are not provided within a twenty-four hour period, SCP-2103 will immediately move to track down and speak with the nearest sapient, using whatever means are at its disposal. The last time this occurred, SCP-2103 began a [DATA REDACTED] never quite the same again. While the SCP has a substantial library of words and phrases, when being spoken with, SCP-2103 will gradually adopt the speech patterns of whoever is talking to it, oftentimes repeating phrases based on what may be an ELIZA-styled algorithm. It is unclear yet whether SCP-2103 is sentient or simply running a linguistics algorithm, though likelihood tends towards the former judging by the statements of conversationalists.</p> <p>Finally, while SCP-2103 is speaking with a given person, it may occasionally display seemingly random images on its monitor. Reactions by testing staff have ranged from highly amused to visceral horror. For more information regarding conversations with SCP-2103, see also attached document 'Log 2103-A'.</p> <hr/> <p><strong>Log 2103-A</strong></p> <p>The following is a series of conversations recorded with and tests conducted on SCP-2103, including the most noteworthy snippets (when applicable) and the researchers' reactions to them. Due to the nature of 2103, it is highly suggested that researchers keep themselves from revealing information which is either too personal or too strange.</p> <p><em>Okay, I'm going to have to put this here so I can make my stance clear. Could you guys PLEASE stop telling SCP-2103 your entire lexicon of sex jokes? And yes, that includes you, Dr. Rights. All these random raunchy phrases are just driving everyone up the wall. And I don't even want to know the punchline involving the water balloon, the nun and the hot potato.</em> -Agent Schism<br/> -<br/> <strong>Personnel:</strong> Agent ██████<br/> <strong>Timeframe:</strong> One hour<br/> <strong>Subject:</strong> Political discourse<br/> <strong>Result:</strong><br/> Throughout the course of the conversation, Agent ██████ became increasingly agitated, eventually devolving to shouting obscenities at SCP-2103. Agent ██████ appeared to be infuriated primarily by the even and undisturbed manner in which SCP-2103 delivered its responses. Before long, Agent ██████ began to pound on the glass, at which point he was restrained by the guards and escorted out. Later, Agent ██████ claimed sadly, "I really don't know what came over me there."<br/> -<br/> <strong>Personnel:</strong> Doctor ███████<br/> <strong>Timeframe:</strong> Six hours (with a 15 minute break at the 3 hour mark)<br/> <strong>Subject:</strong> Shakespeare<br/> <strong>Result:</strong><br/> In the interest of further testing, Doctor ███████ began to read, in as 'hammy' a manner as possible, sections from <em>Romeo and Juliet</em>, <em>The Taming of the Shrew</em>, and <em>King Lear</em>, alongside other such works. After some time, SCP-2103 began to [DATA REDACTED] a decent publisher.<br/> <strong>Commentary:</strong> <em>That was just incredible. I nearly cried.</em> -Agent ████<br/> -<br/> <strong>Personnel:</strong> Security Assistant Break<br/> <strong>Timeframe:</strong> Twenty minutes, sixteen seconds<br/> <strong>Subject:</strong> Unlogged<br/> <strong>Result:</strong><br/> At twenty minutes, subject became enraged and drew a pistol. With the first shot, the plexiglass window shattered and the bullet was lodged in the faux turbine of SCP-2103, which later required medical attention for purposes of further testing. Subsequent shots lodged in SCP-2103's outer shell and were later deemed unworthy of removal because 'It'd take too long, and besides, they do look cool'. Subject was not disciplined largely because SCP-2103 was judged to be 'taunting them'.<br/> -<br/> <strong>Personnel:</strong> Agent Schism, attending.<br/> <strong>Timeframe:</strong> Nine hours, twenty minutes, twelve seconds<br/> <strong>Subject:</strong> <em>You know, I keep looking over this, and can't tell.</em> -Dr. ███ ████████<br/> <strong>Result:</strong><br/> SCP-2103 was introduced to an ELIZA-type bot installed on one of the Foundation laptops, paired with a Vocaloid-style linguistic sequencer. The opening phrase was "How are you today?" At roughly 1 hour and 48 minutes, both the bot and SCP-2103 appeared to reach a kind of homeostasis, at which point conversation became increasingly esoteric, centered more about small textual scraps and flower arrangements. At roughly 7 hours, conversation devolved into almost unfathomable blips and scraps of text. At the end of the test, attending staff member complained of a headache.<br/> <strong>Commentary:</strong> <em>Can we NOT do that again? At least with me holding the computer? Please?</em> -Agent Schism</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-2128	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2128046979-J</p> <p><strong>Girlfriend Class:</strong> Real</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Staff assigned to Site 534 or offsite projects with Junior Researcher Jimmy are to be periodically reminded that SCP-2128046979-J is, in fact, real, and his girlfriend. Staff who question the validity of either of these claims are to be immediately remanded for psychiatric evaluation and, if found to be affected by SCP-2128046979-J's anomalous effects, are to be subjected to intensive reeducation to reaffirm their belief in SCP-2128046979-J's reality and romantic relationship. Failure to reaffirm belief in SCP-2128046979-J might result in an EXGF-Class End Of Relationship scenario for Junior Researcher Jimmy.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2128046979-J is Junior Researcher Jimmy's girlfriend. SCP-2128046979-J is believed to be affected by a combination of antimemetic and causality-related phenomenona that prevent her from physically interacting with all Foundation personnel stationed at Site 534 except Junior Researcher Jimmy, and obscures most information about her. For example, colleagues who converse with Junior Researcher Jimmy have proven incapable of gleaning information about her whereabouts, instead perceiving only the answer that "she works at a different Site."</p> <p>Although SCP-2128046979-J's antimemetic effects affect details of the information about her, less specific information appears to be immune to the effect, to a degree currently under testing. The following facts about SCP-2128046979-J have been ascertained about SCP-2128046979-J through interrogation of Junior Researcher Jimmy, who is dating her:</p> <blockquote> <ul> <li>SCP-2128046979-J is involved in a romantic relationship with Junior Researcher Jimmy.</li> <li>SCP-2128046979-J works for the Foundation, at a Site that is not Site 534.</li> <li>SCP-2128046979-J is extremely attractive.</li> <li>SCP-2128046979-J has frequent sexual liaisons with Junior Researcher Jimmy.</li> <li>SCP-2128046979-J's name is either Monika or Monica; inconsistency is assumed to be a result of SCP-2128046979-J's antimemetic properties.</li> <li>SCP-2128046979-J does not have a phone, or email address, and the site she works at is super secret so we can't know its address and send her letters.</li> </ul> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 2128046979-J-1:</strong> On ██/██/2018, Junior Researcher Jimmy responded to accusations of SCP-2128046979-J not being real by showing Agent Marcos a picture of her. Agent Marcos was remanded for psychiatric evaluation while Junior Researcher Jimmy's phone was seized to research the picture. Upon future investigation, said picture was determined to be an image of cosplay model ████ ██████; it is believed that this is a result of SCP-2128046979-J's properties, and that Junior Researcher Jimmy is the only subject who can see the real image.<br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2128046979-j">SCP-2128046979-J</a>" by Tiefling, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2128046979-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2128046979-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2130-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2130-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Eucilele</span> Keytar</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Foundation spambots are to send emails to all personnel on an hourly basis to remind them of SCP-2130-J's dangerous properties.</p> <p>Public address systems will be commandeered for at least 180 minutes per week to play the "SCP-2130-J jingle". Pending a breakthrough by the Memetics team's <tt>PROJECT EARWORM</tt>, the Foundation has licensed the use of alternative lyrics to "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?"<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup>.</p> <p>Instances of SCP-2130-J are to be stored in a remote desert warehouse, preferably on the moon. Moon missions are to be funded by the selective use of other SCP-2130-J instances as props for Junior Researcher Kimmy's sold-out comedy tour.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Superseded Containment Procedures</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Re-secure data</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Researchers are encouraged to write helpful notes in all SCP database entries to ensure that their colleagues remember and appreciate the risks posed by other anomalies currently in containment.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>What were we thinking? That was a terrible idea.</em> — <strong>Dr. C. Heap-Joke</strong></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2130-J is a bunch of office furniture that was found lying around at various Foundation sites. In appearance, style, sound, smell, taste, aura, Hume readings, feng shui, function and ergonomic benefits, it precisely resembles ordinary everyday office equipment.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>It's not though. It's actually </em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">really</span> <em>dangerous. One might even say… spoooooky.</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Kim, the last time you tried to convince us that the furniture was haunted, it's because you'd just stubbed your toe on a desk. Although watching you hop around was quite amusing.</em> — <strong>Dr. "Free" Wheeler</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Hey! It really hurt, you know.</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <p>SCP-2130-J exhibits a range of cognitohazardous and antimemetic properties. Its primary effect is on the perception of the furniture by subjects in its proximity. Subjects regard SCP-2130-J instances (and any incidents involving them) as humorous in nature, regardless of the objective seriousness of the situation.</p> <p>Descriptions of SCP-2130-J by test subjects have included:</p> <ul> <li>"funny"</li> <li>"hilarious"</li> <li>"uproariously entertaining, a great night out"</li> <li>"I could see what you were going for, but it didn't make me laugh, downvoted"</li> </ul> <p>This primary effect has led to subjects forgetting the danger posed by SCP-2130-J, and attempting to use SCP-2130-J instances for comic purposes.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>Yeah, remember when I held a D-Class roller-chair derby, and one of them crashed into you and fell off into a vat of SCP-682's acid? Classic!</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Plier</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Classic? That was the most horrific thing I've ever been through. My back was sore for a week!</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Or that time my top shelf broke, and all my research folders landed on your head one after another. And then my potplant. And then my bowling ball. I got so many likes for that on</em> <span style="color: crimson">/foundation/not-work/funny/videos</span> <em>- it was awesome. Maybe you should do comedy?</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Plier</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Is everyone around here anomalously unsympathetic?</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <p>SCP-2130-J's primary effect can be counteracted by a continuous course of Class-Y mnestics. However, as the side-effects of such treatment include remembering in vivid detail every fart you've ever smelled, uptake has been poor.</p> <p>SCP-2130-J has a secondary property which affects any attempt to describe the anomaly. Any descriptions of SCP-2130-J, even by persons not subject to its primary effect, will be written in such a way as to be unintentionally comic, with ludicrously overcomplicated procedures and extraneous commentary which reads as if all researchers involved are 15 years old.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>See!? That explains why I can never write this in clinical tone. It explains the containment procedures - it explains everything! They said I was mad - MAD! - but actually I was right all along. Ahaha - ahahahahaha - muahaha… wait, why am I writing all of this like I was saying it out loud?</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Kim, you were a lot more fun to be around when you were falling off that lab bench last week. If you're so obsessed with the damn office furniture, why don't you prepare a seminar and take it on the road to the other sites. Make sure you take a few samples with you.</em> — <strong>Dr. "Hot" Wheeler</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>This is clearly going to end well.</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 1:</strong> Further research by Comedy Task Force Iota-Eta-Pi-2 ("Why Iota…") suggests that the effect of SCP-2130-J is viral in nature. Progression appears to occur in the following manner:</p> <ol> <li>Subject A is exposed to SCP-2130-J and becomes subject to its effects.</li> <li>Subject A begins to find other anomalies inherently humorous.</li> <li>Subject A amends the documentation for other anomalies to include over-complicated containment and unintentional comedy.</li> <li>Subject B reads amended documentation, forgets that the relevant anomalies are dangerous, and begins to treat them as comical, even if Subject B has not been exposed to SCP-2130-J.</li> </ol> <p>The following SCP database entries have been identified as potential candidates for SCP-2130-J infection: <a href="/scp-2212">SCP-2212</a>, <a href="/scp-2845">SCP-2845</a>, <a href="/scp-076">SCP-076</a> and <a href="/scp-106">SCP-106</a>. However the possibility exists that other anomalies have been declassified and mis-filed, after relevant SCP documentation was amended to sound humorous.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>So leaving aside the question of how we tested this, that means basically anything filed in</em> <a href="/joke-scps">/foundation/not-work/funny/joke-scps</a> <em>could be a real anomaly that we're almost totally disre- oh. Oh, <strong>shit</strong>.</em> — <strong>Junior Researcher Kimmy</strong></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Kim - what's the rush? Why are you running so - woah! Wow - hey guys, Kim just tripped over a printer cord and went head-first into a wastepaper basket. That's gonna leave a mark! Ahahahahaha!</em> — <strong>Dr. "Stealer's" Wheeler</strong></p> </blockquote> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Sample lyrics:<br/> "Do you know two one three-oh dash-jay?<br/> It has a meme so strong,<br/> Don't laugh too long, or you'll go cray" (<em>NB: Current final rhyme is provisional, pending additional poetry research funding</em>)</div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2130-j">SCP-2130-J</a>" by psul, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2130-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2130-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2212-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2212-j/guybusiness"><img alt="guybusiness" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/scp-2212-j/guybusiness/medium.jpg"/></a> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2212-J after selling a Henokan anomaly class to Researcher Jack ███.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2212-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Available for only twelve payments of $1499.99!</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Anyone found to have purchased something from SCP-2212-J is to be assigned to Keter Duty, administered Class-A amnestics, shot with an XM250 automatic machine gun or a P90 automatic rifle, assigned to Keter Duty again, administered Class-C amnestics, and then returned to regular duties after being gently reminded that the Foundation currently has no more need of SCP-2212-J.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2212-J is a humanoid resembling a male Caucasian human in a brown business suit. SCP-2212-J claims to be a salesman specializing in the sale of object classes.</p> <p>SCP-2212-J will aggressively attempt to contact Foundation personnel who are in the middle of creating new SCP files, by hacking into secure lines, smuggling letters into their internal site mail boxes, or through sheets of paper wrapped around bricks that are then thrown through the nearest window. SCP-2212-J has even gone as far as attaching an aluminum note to a bullet and shooting it at a wall with a Glock 17 pistol.</p> <p>SCP-2212-J will attempt to sell researchers one or more containment classes for an anomaly they are currently in the process of making a file for, telling them that "these new classes will really get some eyes on your skip [sic]!" While junior researchers tend to accept or refuse on a case by case basis, there appears to be a disproportionately higher amount of sales made to senior personnel, with classes such as Hiemal, Apollyon, and Archon appearing in a number of files by senior staff.</p> <p><strong>Discovery:</strong> SCP-2212-J first manifested to the O5 Council on 20/03/19██, selling them the Safe, Euclid and Keter classes. Later O5-14 would purchase the Thaumiel designation from SCP-2212-J without permission, telling the rest of the council "But what if we made the <em>box</em> the anomaly, guys? It would be so cool!" O5-8 quickly responded "Well, first of all, keep your language formal. Second of all, the <em>box</em> will absolutely <em>not</em> be made the anomaly if that is not truly the case, O5-14. Third of all, don't refer to the Locked Box Test, it just makes you look ridiculous." O5-3 continued. "<em>Fourth</em> of all, since when does O5-14 exist?! The O5 Council has always been comprised of 13 members!"</p> <p>O5-14 was then promptly beaten to death by the rest of the council, followed by the permanent retirement (again) of their Overseer's number.</p> </div></body></html>
SCP-222-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-222-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-222-J cannot be contained with currently available levels of technology. Efforts are being made to devise a method of containment.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-222-J is an incredibly contagious biophysical memetic phenomenon, capable of infectious transmission between multiple victims over distances both long- and close-range. SCP-222-J can infect any vertebrate in the animal kingdom, but is more prevalent among higher life-forms, including felines, canines, equines, reptilians, and avians. SCP-222-J is most virulent in humans. SCP-222-J was only recently discovered by the Foundation, but further research has led to the fact that it has been known about since the early ██th century.</p> <p>SCP-222-J takes the form of a sudden and extremely prolonged inhalation of air by the affected subject, after which is a shorter, harsher exhalation. Subjects may stretch their bodies or limbs during SCP-222-J's occurrence, stopping in their tracks as they are overcome by its effects. Subjects may even attempt to cover their mouth while SCP-222-J is taking place. Researchers theorize this is an instinctive behavior to prevent the subject's soul from escaping. Another leading theory states that SCP-222-J is evidence of demonic possession, and that the subject must be exorcised.</p> <p>SCP-222-J can be transmitted through virtually any form of media, including long-distance audio, visual stimuli, and in-person interaction. Mass media shows high rates of transmission, with approximately ██% of exposed subjects infected within seconds. SCP-222-J is especially virulent in subjects with major sleep deprivation or boredom. One subject infected with SCP-222-J can infect any number of other subjects - research has not found an upper limit.</p> <p>Researchers are working on several theories to explain SCP-222-J's memetic properties, as well as devising a way to contain or neutralize it. The most effective treatment at the moment is for the infected subject to drink 8 fluid ounces of any hot beverage infused with Psychoactive-Stimulant-C (a commonly-found substance derived from certain plants). A second test has shown that SCP-222-J may only be transmittable between subjects who are empathetic. D-class subjects with their frontal cortices completely removed did not exhibit signs of SCP-222-J infection after a full 24 hours of exposure. These D-class have been appointed as guards should SCP-222-J ever be successfully contained.</p> <p>Any infected personnel are able to request maximum-strength amnestics, and it is highly recommended that they do so to avoid an outbreak. SCP-222-J could easily become a global pandemic in the wrong mouth.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Recent research has concluded that SCP-222-J can not only be transmitted through visual stimuli, but through writing as well.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-222-j">SCP-222-J</a>" by DrBerggren, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-222-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-222-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-222-TH	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-222-TH-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-222-TH-J is contained at Site-██. It is allowed to walk around the site under the observation of at least one staff member with security clearance level 2. SCP-222-TH-J is not allowed within a one-meter distance of any computer. If it is found within this area, it is to be brought to its containment chamber immediately. Any personnel who vexes or assaults it will face a severe rebuke or transfer to another site. If SCP-222-TH-J behaves well, it will be allowed some catnip.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-222-TH-J is a two-year-old lean male American shorthair cat. According to testing, SCP-222-TH-J is highly intelligent and able to understand human language. It appears to have been trained by its previous owner, though it cannot remember who it was. Despite intense observation, the Foundation found no other unusual traits other then its high intelligence. It is able to make conversation<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> with researchers by typing on a laptop. It also loves catnip.</p> <p><strong>Discovery:</strong> SCP-222-TH-J was not brought in by Foundation personnel, but was sent to Site-██ in a box along with a letter saying "Dear Foundation, I'd like to place this cat under your care for a while. I hope it will give up its bad behaviours when living with you."</p> <hr/> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">The Interview Log of SCP-222-TH-J </a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- hide</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Hello</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> Hello, Doc. Why is it so hot today? Do something!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Cat, who sent you here?</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> I'm not a cat. Call me properly, you stupid human!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Who is your owner…? <em>(Dr. Alpha starts to make an angry voice.)</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> I'd tell you if I knew. <em>(SCP-222-TH-J uses a smile emoticon in the chat box.)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Do you know this place is?</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> I guess that it's a place where humans like you live together [REDACTED] for breeding [REDACTED].</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> Hey, Doc! Do you have any catnip?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Huh? What is catnip?</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> Huuuh? What the hell did you just say!? How did you even graduate with a Doctor's Degree!? You don't even know catnip! <em>(SCP-222-TH-J types the following texts in the chat box rapidly.)</em> Wanker! What school did you even go to!? How the bloody hell did they allowed you to graduate!? You don't even know catnip! Such a waste! Your friends shall be ashamed for having such a stupid friend like you! You don't have any pets at home, do you!? Or do you live alone without any friends at all!? Airy-fairy! I'll teach you what's catnip is! Such rubbish! [REDACTED].</p> <p><em>(SCP-222-TH-J continues to insult Dr. Alpha for three minutes, then stops.)</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> Stupid Doc, do you already know catnip? You know, the catnip helps me to relax.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Err, what's your ability?</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> I want catnip, bring it to me now!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> After we finish with this topic. In a nutshell, what’s your ability?</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> You know! The security system here is very weak!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> What do you mean?</p> <p><em>(SCP-222-TH-J presses something on the keyboard. Immediately, there is the blackout for the whole site. The secondary electricity system starts up to replace of the primary one. The alarm sounds.)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> What the hell are you doing!?</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> I just hacked minor small system. An easy task…</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Ok, enough now, stupid cat!</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> Take note that █████ will rule this world! Oh… this system here is quite complicated.<br/> <em>(Types something on the laptop while licking its mouth.)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> I said it's enough!!! <em>(Strikes on the table very loudly.)</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> You don't have any bloody rights to order me around! Wanker!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> Enough! Otherwise, I'll…</p> <p><strong>SCP-222-TH-J:</strong> What will you do!? You don't have any damn right to hurt me! Otherwise, you'll be transferred!</p> <p><em>(Dr. Alpha stands and goes out of the room. He comes back later with a water sprayer. Then, he sprays directly at SCP-222-TH-J until SCP-222-TH-J jumps up from the laptop and runs away from Dr. Alpha with a loud hissing.)</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Alpha:</strong> This is just a warning, you god-damn cat! Next time I'll take a water bowl.</p> <p><em>(SCP-222-TH-J is held by Dr. Xu to keep it away from the laptop and is brought back to its chamber with three bottles of catnip.)</em></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <p><strong>Addendum-222-XD:</strong> SCP-222-TH-J Event Log Sections</p> <p>-Date: 02/04/20██</p> <p>SCP-222-TH-J used Researcher ██████'s computer without his permission in his office while he was sleeping during the day. It also tried to insert a virus into a Mainframe Computer of Site-██ which caused the system to malfunction and was unable to unlock the security doors for two hours.</p> <p>-Date: 01/06/20██</p> <p>SCP-222-TH-J hacked the security system, opened the cell, and then the containment chamber door for <a href="/scp-247">SCP-247</a>, allowing it to walk around the corridors, wherefore the whole site was evacuated.</p> <p>-Date: 16/07/20██</p> <p>SCP-222-TH-J used the smartphone of a research assistant who forgot it on a dining table and sent a porn video clip to all researchers' computers in the site which made these unusable for twenty minutes.</p> <p>-Date: 30/08/20██</p> <p>SCP-222-TH-J deleted all research data of Dr. ████████ and texted lots of explitives.</p> <p>-Date: 20/12/20██</p> <p>SCP-222-TH-J [REDACTED] and overdosing on catnip, it organized a dubstep concert in the foundation where it took the role as a DJ, which almost caused <a href="/scp-339">SCP-339</a> and SCP-███ to rampage due to too high volume.</p> <hr/> <p><strong>Addendum-1:</strong> It assists many researchers' work, although many personnel complained about being annoyed by its impetuousness. Researchers who it assisted often rewarded it with some catnip. After receiving the catnip, it does not differ from a regular drug-addicted cat. A lot of personnel wanted it to assist them, however, it was of no assistance at all. Whenever a strange event takes place in Site-██, researchers often believe it is the cat's fault.</p> <hr/> <p><strong>Note From Personnel:</strong></p> <p><em>Kyaaaaaaa! It’s very cute! Kyaaaaaaaa!</em> - Dr. Xu</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Most of its responses are bickering, despising, mocking, etc, aiming to anger recipient.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-231-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-231-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Neutralized</span> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> If there is any feasible way to contain or neutralize SCP-231-J, any proposals and ideas are welcome for submission to the O5 Council immediately. Generation of a successful containment protocol for SCP-231-J will result in the compensation of the responsible parties with Bonus Package 10-Elysium.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Bonus Package 10-Elysium:</strong><br/> • One Lamborghini Centenario LP 770-4, customized for interstellar travel<br/> • One Iron Maiden concept album dedicated to your life and accomplishments<br/> • One high-five from the Administrator, Dr. Alto Clef, and <a href="/scp-076">SCP-076</a>-2<br/> • True Love<br/> • Complete diplomatic immunity in the United States of America, the United Kingdom, and one other country of your choice<br/> • Summary executions of your enemies, carried out by MTF Omega-7.5 ("OK-Class Reunion Tour Scenario")</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-231-J is a hostile metamorphic entity that has generated from an unpaid loan of $2.00 given to Dr. Elena Jackson, the current Administrator of the Foundation, on April 26th, 1983. The loan was received from PoI-231-Omega, who was then one of Dr. Jackson's coworkers at Site-19, where Dr. Jackson had been the site director before her promotion.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Incident 231-Alpha-993</strong></p> <p><Begin log></p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> Wow, that giant spider <em>really</em> likes eating babies. Hey, Steve?</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> Yo!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> You got two dollars?</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> Sure thing, Dr. Jackson. What for?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> I need a Pepsi.</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> Don't we have them for, like, one dollar in the cafeteria?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> Yeah, but I want a <em>big</em> one.</p> <p>[SCP-231 is given to Dr. Jackson]</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> When you gonna pay me back?</p> <p>[Dr. Jackson leaves]</p> <p><End log></p> </blockquote> <p>On September 26, 1983, in the aftermath of a major containment breach by SCP-████ that resulted in 23,401 fatalities (Known as Incident-████-Black), the Administrator was confronted about the unpaid debt.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Incident 231-Beta-993</strong></p> <p><Begin log></p> <p>[Irrelevant data redacted]</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> …That should take care of amnestic dispersal protocols for the civilians. Any questions? Yeah, Steve.</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> Where's that money you owe me?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> Not the time or place. Any other questions?</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> Actually, I think you have a very poor understanding of how serious this situation is.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> As do you, clearly - a quarter of a hundred thousand people's minds just exploded, and you're worrying about two dollars.</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> Well, if you had done your <em>homework</em>, you'd notice that, in my application for employment at Site-19, I <em>specifically</em> included a 50-page addendum detailing any loans that I would disperse to my coworkers, regardless of value. This addendum, which you agreed to by accepting my application (Article 2, paragraph 34), explicitly states that the debt would need to be repaid in full no less than 72 hours from initial disbursement. Having failed to do so, you have incurred a Class-G Delinquency Penalty Rate (Article 5, paragraph 19) of $100 dollars per month, plus a $5,000 first-time default fee and applicable Silver-level compound interest rates, as outlined in the monthly newsletter to which you subscribed by accepting my application (Article 5, paragraph 50). You currently owe me $493,026.34, plus tax.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> Steve, what's this?</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> What's what?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> This thing in my hand.</p> <p><strong>[PoI-231-Omega]:</strong> I don't see how that's relevant to the case at hand, but that's a combat-grade amnestic visual cognitohaz—</p> <p>[PoI-231-Omega falls unconscious]</p> <p><strong>Dr. Jackson:</strong> The phrase "you're so fucking fired" comes to mind.</p> <p><End log></p> </blockquote> <p>On April 10th, 1990, following the death of the previous Administrator from food poisoning, Dr. Jackson was elected as his replacement in light of her heroism and leadership during Incident-████-Black. Two days after her inauguration, contact with the Foundation was re-established by PoI-231-Omega, having recovered from his amnestic treatment through the usage of the highly esoteric and experimental technique known as "having written it down prior to the amnestics." At this point, through several loopholes carefully designed by PoI-231-Omega, SCP-231-J had increased in value to $50,936,299,102.49 plus tax, with an additional debt of "500 human souls, two truckloads of diamonds, the blood of a virgin, and a goddamn pony."</p> <p>Following this contact, PoI-231-Omega was promptly located by MTF Psi-8 ("The Silencers"), issued several restraining orders, reprimanded, and stabbed to death<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup>. Before his termination, PoI-231-Omega made an otherwise unintelligible mention of a "transfer to a third-party collections agency." Following this, SCP-231-J was temporarily reclassified as Neutralized.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 1:</strong> On May 15th, 1995, Site-19 received a letter in an unmarked envelope.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>Scarlett & King Collections Agency</em><br/> <em>7 N. Seal Drive</em><br/> <em>Montauk, NY 11954</em></p> <p>Dear Dr. Jackson,</p> <p>Hello there! SO excited about getting to know you. See, we've been made aware of a <em>tiny</em> debt you've been keeping from our client, Dr. Steven ████. No biggie, we swear - we're a new, progressive startup, bringing a non-judgmental, people-focused approach to collections, so you don't have anything to worry about from us!</p> <p>So far, it looks like you owe him:</p> <p>• $[DATA EXPUNGED].53, plus tax<br/> • 700 trillion human souls condemned eternally to the sadistic pleasure-pits of [DATA EXPUNGED]<br/> • Ownership of 53 individual timelines of the Multiverse<br/> • And one "goddamn pony"</p> <p>This shouldn't be a problem at all. With our customized payment plans, you'll only have to [DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p>So be sure to get back to us as soon as you can - specifically, by June 1st! Otherwise, we might have to deal with the least favorite part of our jobs: penalties. Ugh! So unpleasant.</p> <p>Fortunately, these penalties are barely noticeable. They include, but are not limited to:</p> <p>• An indefinite lien on the mortality of <a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a><br/> • Repossession of anomalous property, courtesy of fourth-party contractors such as the Chaos Insurgency<br/> • Transfer of negotiations to an onsite collections liaison</p> <p>So, we suggest you get right on this! <strong><em>Now.</em></strong></p> <p>Eyes on the prize,</p> <p><em>Maisie Scarlett</em></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum 2 - Collections Liaison:</strong> On June 1st, 1995, a raid on a demon-worshipping compound led to the discovery of the aforementioned "Collections Liaison" entity. For more information on this entity, please refer to the documentation for <a href="/scp-231">SCP-231</a>.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Instructions for Procedure 110-Montauk - 5/231 CLEARANCE REQUIRED</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Encryption Key Accepted</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>Procedure 110-Montauk:</strong></p> <p>1. The six class-D personnel will enter SCP-231-7's containment chamber, holding a suitcase filled with $500,000.00 in cash.</p> <p>2. The six D-class personnel will throw the cash at SCP-231-7 in as disorganized and passive-aggressive of a manner as possible.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Full, unedited text of unedited Addendum 231-b - 5/231 CLEARANCE REQUIRED</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Encryption Key Accepted</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>Dear Friends,</p> <p>It has come to my attention that recently, certain rumors have surfaced regarding SCP-231. Due to the drop in staff morale, I have decided to address some of the more prevalent points.</p> <p>• Yes, Procedure 110-Montauk is as horrible as you have heard, which is why only Class D Personnel are authorized to carry it out. Yes, it does involve brutal mishandling of crucial funding assets.</p> <p>• No, assignment to SCP-231 is not intended to test your loyalty to the Foundation, your tendencies towards throwing money at the problem, or anything else.</p> <p>• No, SCP-231 is not a punishment detail.</p> <p>• Yes, there are staff members who have been on SCP-231 and have successfully transferred out by their own request. No, not everyone who's worked on SCP-231 is terminated upon leaving the project.</p> <p>• No, you may not keep the cash she doesn't pick up.</p> <p>• Yes, staff members who have been assigned to SCP-231 are allowed to take a Class A Amnesiac before leaving the project if so desired. Yes, false memories are then implanted. No, none of the supposed methods for recovering or detecting false memories work. Yes, there are some of you who've worked on SCP-231 and don't remember it.</p> <p>• No, we have not given up trying to save up for a specific appeasement fund for SCP-231-7, but research in that field must be carried out with the utmost of caution. Based on the increased potency of each subsequent asset liquidation event associated with each subsequent "Collections Liaison" specimen, there is a strong possibility that SCP-231-7's repossession event could result in an XK class end-of-the-world scenario. This information is corroborated in notebooks recovered from the accountants (see document "Seven Brides, Seven Percent Compound Interest," SCP-231-Adjunct B).</p> <p>• No, filing for bankruptcy is NOT an option. Neither is drugging her and throwing post-it notes. She has to be aware of the individual value of each bill for 110-Montauk to work.</p> <p>• One final note: The Foundation does many frivolous things in the completion of our mission, but our mission is important enough that the debt is one we must pay. Containment of SCP-231 is one of our most dangerous duties, not because of any direct danger to ourselves (like SCP-682) but because of the danger that our credit score will fail even harder, that we will allow ourselves to either let down our guard due to lack of a reasonable budget, or that we will allow ourselves to become monsters through the performance of monstrous spending. Just do your jobs, and save the philosophizing for the payroll department.</p> <p>Sincerely,<br/> The Administrator<br/> <sub>GIVE ME MY MONEY YOU PUTRID BAGS OF BONES AND MEAT AND FECES, WHERE'S MY FUCKING MONEY, YOU'VE GOT EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, WHERE I CAN'T GET IT, I'LL EVEN ACCEPT TRAVELER'S CHECKS FOR FUCK'S SAKE</sub></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Input 5/231-J Credentials - Does The Black Moon Howl?</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- "Fuck if I know."</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-231-Omega-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Apollyon</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> <em>"God help us all."</em></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-231-Omega-J is the Foundation's credit rating.</p> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. It should be noted that the means of termination had incidentally fulfilled the requirement of "the blood of a virgin".</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-231-j">SCP-231-J</a>" by daveyoufool, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-231-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-231-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2317-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div style="text-align: right; margin-right: 2em; margin-top: -20px;"> <p>by <a href="/stormbreath">stormbreath</a></p> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2317-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Apollyon</span><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2317-J is to be kept shut at all times and not opened under any circumstances. Personnel are to be reminded that, no matter what the voice on the other side says, the only living organism behind SCP-2317-J is SCP-2317-JK.</p> <p>A sticky note reading: "do <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">NOT</span></strong> open - scp 2317 jk inside (wants to eat the world)" is to be stuck onto SCP-2317-J at all times as a last resort method against the opening of SCP-2317-J.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2317-J is a door that acts as a universal portal, opening into Universe Kappa-Erikesh. The accessible area behind SCP-2317-J was a salt pan several kilometers across. Formerly, SCP-2317-J held seven marble pillars, but these have been destroyed by SCP-2317-JK.</p> <p>SCP-2317-JK is a two hundred kilometer tall, obese humanoid entity that was formerly contained by seven hooks embedded into its back, connected to the seven pillars found in Universe Kappa-Erikesh. Each of these hooks or pillars has broken, releasing SCP-2317-JK.</p> <p><strong>Addendum #1:</strong> The Awakening of SCP-2317-JK.</p> <blockquote> <p><em>After the breaking of the seventh chain, the awakening of SCP-2317-JK was predicted. O5-13 arrived at Containment Area-179 to witness the impending end of the world, and, as a last resort, potentially bargain with SCP-2317-JK.</em></p> <p><em>The ground around the seven pillars within SCP-2317-J shatters, and SCP-2317-JK emerges from the ground. It is two hundred kilometers tall, with kilometer tall horns. It begins roaring.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> I AM THE BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX, DEVOURER OF WORLDS! NO WORLD IS SAFE FROM MY WRATH!</p> <p><em>O5-13 and other Foundation personnel retreat through SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> FOR FOUR THOUSAND YEARS, I HAVE BEEN IMPRISONED, BUT NOW I AM FREE!</p> <p><strong>O5-13:</strong> Shut the door, this guy is really extra. I don't want to listen to him.</p> <p><em>SCP-2317-J is closed.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> NOW TO FIND EARTH AND ENACT MY VENGEANCE!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> UH, WHERE IS EARTH?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> OH, THERE'S THE DOOR.</p> <p><em>There is a loud bang against SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> AH FUCK ME, I BROKE OFF THE DOOR HANDLE WITH MY FAT FINGERS.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> WOULD ONE OF YOU KIND GENTS ON THE OTHER SIDE PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME?</p> <p><em>There is twenty minutes of deliberation between O5-13 and SCP-2317 Containment Personnel about how to respond to SCP-2317-JK's request.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-13:</strong> No.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> OH, COME ON! I'VE BEEN IMPRISONED FOR FOUR THOUSAND YEARS, GIVE A GUY A BREAK, WOULD YOU?</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum #2:</strong> Escape Attempts</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>???:</strong> Excuse me? Is anyone there?</p> <p><strong>Sergeant Hannibal Masterson:</strong> Hello?</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> Excuse me, sir, but could you please open the door?</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Sure, hold on… Wait a minute, you wouldn't happen to be SCP-2317-JK, would you?</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> What? No… I'm… uh… KJ-7132-PCS, his … uh … cousin?</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Oh, that makes sense, let me get the door.</p> <p><strong>KJ-7132-PCS:</strong> Thank you!</p> <p><em>Sgt. Masterson reads the sticky note stuck to SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Wait a minute, who'd you say you were?</p> <p><strong>KJ-7132-PCS:</strong> SCP-2317-JK's cousin!</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Hey, Jonny Vance, get me The Erikesh Codex.</p> <p><strong>Research Assistant Jonathan Vance:</strong> Uh, sure, boss. Right away.</p> <p><em>Sgt. Masterson and RA Vance look through The Erikesh Codex.</em></p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Nice try, there, but SCP-2317-JK ate all his cousins!</p> <p><strong>KJ-7132-PCS:</strong> Uh, he didn't eat me?</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> You're SCP-2317-JK, aren't you?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> CURSE YOU FOUNDATION! I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> Is anyone there?</p> <p><strong>Assistant Researcher Doctor Jackson Choi:</strong> Hello, SCP-2317-JK.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> Oh, hey Jackson.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> What's up?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> As you know, I am an eldritch monstrosity.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> That is true.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> But, if you open that door, I'll grant you wishes.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> Are these going to be those shitty genie wishes, where you horribly subvert what I want?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> Oh no, real genuine wishes from me!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> You drive a hard bargain, but I think I'm going to accept.</p> <p><em>Dr. Choi moves to open the door. Sgt. Masterson enters the containment cell.</em></p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> What are you doing?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> SCP-2317-JK says he'll give me wishes if I open this door.</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Nice! Let's do it.</p> <p><em>Dr. Choi and Sgt. Masterson move to open SCP-2317-J. Sgt. Masterson reads the sticky note on SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Wait a minute… SCP-2317-JK, what are your plans if we open this door?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> Oh, devouring the world, ending civilization, causing the eschaton, you know. Typical Monday.</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> You silver-tongued devil!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> You'll give us wishes and then just eat us!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> FOILED AGAIN! ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL HAVE MY DUE!</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>There is a knocking sound coming from SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Senior Researcher Doctor Victoria Fellini:</strong> Hey, somebody go take care of that.</p> <p><em>RA Vance walks up to SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>RA Vance:</strong> Uh, hello?</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> Hey, I got a large pizza here for Containment Area-179.</p> <p><strong>RA Vance:</strong> Hey, Dr. Fellini, this guy says he's got a pizza for us.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Fellini:</strong> Do we have pizza money?</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> No, the Overseers said we were ordering too much fast food and slashed our budget.</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> Oh, no it's fine, this pizza is, uh, on the house!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> A pizza on the house?</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> Oh sure, as a reward for … customer loyalty!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Fellini:</strong> Customer loyalty to where?</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> Uh… Scarlet King's Pies?</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> We've never ordered pizza from there before.</p> <p><strong>???:</strong> Uh, it's an incentive to order from there more.</p> <p><strong>RA Vance:</strong> Hey, I'm not arguing with a free pizza.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Fellini:</strong> Agreed. Go get that pizza.</p> <p><em>RA Vance rises to open SCP-2317-J. At this moment, <a href="/my-loever-the-dog">Dr. Kain Pathos Crow</a> enters the containment cell.</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Crow:</strong> What's going on here?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> We're about to get a free pizza.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Crow:</strong> Nice! From where?</p> <p><strong>Sgt. Masterson:</strong> Scarlet King's Pies, it's an incentive to buy from there more.</p> <p><em>RA Vance continues to proceed to SCP-2317-J. Dr. Crow notices and reads the sticky note posted to it.</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Crow:</strong> Wait, stop! The only thing behind that door is SCP-2317-JK!</p> <p><strong>RA Vance, Sgt. Masterson, Dr. Choi, Dr. Fellini:</strong> Gasp!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Choi:</strong> There is no pizza, is there!?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG!</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Due to every member of the SCP-2317-J containment staff poorly timing their vacations, every position on the staff was being filled by D-Class workers.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> HEY, ARE WE NOT PLAYING CHESS THIS WEEK?</p> <p><strong>D-4231:</strong> We're not the normal guys, we're just temps.</p> <p><strong>D-Tufto'sProposal:</strong> Yeah, we're just criminals working the job.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN OPENING THE DOOR?</p> <p><strong>D-4231:</strong> They specifically told us to not do that. That's like, the one thing we aren't supposed to do.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> OH COME ON, LIVE A LITTLE! HAVE SOME FUN! BREAK SOME RULES!</p> <p><strong>D-Tufto'sProposal:</strong> Why would it be fun to open a door?</p> <p><strong>D-anobviousreference:</strong> Hey, what's the harm? Let's open the door!</p> <p><strong>D-4231:</strong> I haven't had this much fun in years!</p> <p><em>D-anobviousreference opens SCP-2317-J, revealing SCP-2317-JK crouched down on the other side.</em></p> <p><strong>D-anobviousreference:</strong> Maybe I shouldn't have done that.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> AFTER FOUR THOUSAND YEARS, I AM FINALLY FREE! MUHAHAHAHAHA!</p> <p><em>SCP-2317-JK attempts to crawl through SCP-2317-J head first. However, its head is too large, and cannot fit through.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> I SEEM TO HAVE PUT ON A FEW POUNDS SINCE THE LAST TIME, LET'S TRY A DIFFERENT STRATEGY.</p> <p><em>SCP-2317-JK attempts to poke a single finger through SCP-2317-J, but, again, is too large and cannot fit through.</em></p> <p><strong>D-4231:</strong> They were worried that this guy could end the world?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> FUCK YOU TOO, PAL! I COULD END THE WORLD WITHOUT RAISING A SWEAT IF I COULD JUST FIT THROUGH THIS DAMN DOOR!</p> <p><strong>D-Tufto'sProposal:</strong> But you're a hundred mile tall demon, you're never going to fit through.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> THAT'S IT!</p> <p><em>SCP-2317-JK raises its head, and exhales fire upon SCP-2317-J. Fire briefly appears in the containment cell, with no important casualties.</em></p> <p><strong>D-anobviousreference:</strong> Ow, I think he singed my eyebrows off.</p> <p><strong>D-Tufto'sProposal:</strong> Oh god, D-4231 is dead!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> <em>(PANTING)</em> HOLD ON, GIVE ME AN AEON TO CATCH MY FIRE BREATH. I'LL GET YOU ON THE NEXT TIME.</p> <p><em>D-Tufto'sProposal stands up and walks toward SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> WAIT, NO! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! STOP! I'LL GIVE YOU PIZZA! I ACTUALLY MADE A PIZZA TO TRICK THEM ONE TIME!</p> <p><strong>D-anobviousreference:</strong> You know, that pizza offer is actually pretty tempting…</p> <p><em>D-Tufto'sProposal closes SCP-2317-J.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2317-JK:</strong> GOD BLESS IT.</p> </blockquote> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. <em>The O5 Council has decided that Apollyon is dumb, because it goes against the very ideology of the Foundation, is only used to make SCPs seem scarier and is generally appalling.</em> - O5-13</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2317-j">SCP-2317-J</a>" by stormbreath, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2317-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2317-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2383-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2383-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2383-J is to be kept in a room measuring 5m x 5m x5m, on a pedestal two point five (2.5) metres high. A warning stripe is to be painted at a radius of two (2) metres from the SCP, and no personnel should enter this area outside of testing. The containment room is to be secured via digital lock, the combination possessed by the lead Researcher. A laboratory containing basic equipment should be established opposite containment, and unlocked at all times. Movement of SCP-2383-J is to be performed by robotic means.</p> <p>Any usable products of SCP-2383-J testing are to be stored with appropriate containment procedures, and are designated SCP-2383-X, where X denotes the numerical order of the item's acquisition. Any overly dangerous items are to be destroyed, unless storage is approved by the Site Director. SCP-2383-1 to -5 are currently contained off site. SCP-2383-6 and -7 have been destroyed.</p> <p>Any subjects under influence of SCP-2383-J can be tranquilized without incident at any point, to bring testing or containment breaches to a close.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> Remote surveillance has shown SCP-2383-J to be an empty █████ brand beaker. However, interviews with test subjects have resulted in varying descriptions, from a test tube containing a boiling green liquid to an Erlenmeyer flask containing smoke.</p> <p>The range of effect for SCP-2383-J is spherical, with a radius of one point five (1.5) metres. Upon a Subject entering the effective range, SCP-2383-J will appear in their right hand. The movement is instantaneous, and does not require action from said Subject. Upon contact of SCP-2383-J and the Subject's skin, Subject will immediately demand other personnel in the room move backwards. These demands are repeated for approximately 15 seconds at high volume, before the Subject proceeds to the next stage.</p> <p>After warning other personnel, SCP-2383-J will begin to fill with liquid. During this stage, the Subject will simultaneously move in a direct line, at high speed, to the nearest laboratory (defined as a room with any scientific equipment listed in Document 2383-J: Requirements). The speed has been recorded as being as high as ██km/h, suggesting SCP-2383-J is able to increase the Subject's physical attributes in some way. This speed also appears to be related to the distance to the nearest laboratory, increasing at an exponential scale to a theoretical maximum of 1██km/h.</p> <p>Upon reaching a laboratory, the Subject will place SCP-2383-J on a suitable surface, and engage in activity (hereafter referred to as Experiment). The Experiment will initially appear nonsensical, and utilize apparently random items from the surrounding environment other than living biological matter. SCP-2383-J will not revert to its inactive state until the Subject completes their Experiment. Despite the random nature of the Experiment, all Experiments involve the addition of the liquid stored inside SCP-2383-J at some stage. Completion of the Experiment allows the subject to exit the range of SCP-2383-J, unless hampered by the Experiment result.</p> <p>The visible color of SCP-2383-J affects the final product of any experiment performed, and appears to be based on the nature of nearby items. Colors observed in testing so far include red, blue, green, purple and white. Below is a short table detailing the expected results of experiments, however the actual items used in the experiment cause the end result to vary.</p> <p><strong>Red:</strong> Red is currently considered to be the most dangerous state of SCP-2383-J. The most common product of SCP-2383-J displaying this color is an explosion. Any tests where the subject causes SCP-2383-J to create a red liquid are to immediately enact protocol 2383-Rho.</p> <p><strong>Blue:</strong> Results of a test where SCP-2383-J creates a blue liquid are currently unknown, as the results mostly vaporize or cease to exist instantly. Tests where a blue liquid is formed are to utilize protocol 2383-Beta if the experiment result can be collected. The only notable product with continued existence is SCP-2383-1.</p> <p><strong>Green:</strong> Tests where SCP-2383-J has displayed a green color have resulted in the creation of a form of life. The organisms created by all tests to date have died almost instantly, with the exceptions of SCP-2383-2 and -3. Violent life-forms are to be terminated and the remains disposed of by incineration after testing.</p> <p><strong>Purple:</strong> Purple tests have always resulted in the formation of some kind of weapon. Most items produced this way have relatively harmless outward appearance, but 90% are extremely deadly. Of note are SCP-2383-4 and SCP-2383-5. Both exhibit superconductive properties in non-metallic materials, and as [REDACTED]. Retrieval of test results are to be done after sedation of test subject, by armed Agents.</p> <p><strong>White:</strong> Only one test subject to date has caused SCP-2383-J to create a white liquid. The result of this test [REDACTED] and classified as SCP-2383-████. How the subject was able to cause [DATA EXPUNGED] currently unknown, as the current particle standard model denies the existence [REDACTED].</p> <p><a href="/scp-2383-j-t">Test Log SCP-2383-J-T</a></p> <p><strong>Report SCP-2383-Alpha:</strong> On ██/██/████, D-3412 entered the room directly below the previous storage area for SCP-2383-J. At this time, the spherical nature of the SCP's effect range was unknown, and class D personnel were being utilized to refit the chamber underneath. Upon moving inside the established 1.5m meter radius at roughly ██:██, SCP-2383-J materialised in the hands of D-3412. D-3412 is recorded as demanding "Stand back, [REDACTED]".</p> <p>As Site-██ was undergoing refit at the time, D-3412 moved directly towards the laboratory adjacent to the chamber at high speed.</p> <p>Cleanup crews were dispatched at ██:██, SCP-2383-J relocated to current containment and containment protocols updated accordingly.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2383-j">SCP-2383-J</a>" by Aeish, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2383-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2383-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2412-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2412</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2412 is to be kept inside a cell, furnished with whatever the subject requests, in reasonable limits. SCP-2412-1 and SCP-2412-2 are to be kept inside a different, locked room, with at least one (1) guard on duty at all times. SCP-2412-3a through 3i should be located in a special stable, provided with all necessary resources.</p> <p><strong>Note:</strong> In light of incident 2412-A, which resulted in a worldwide [DATA EXPUNGED], SCP-2412 is to be released from his cell at ████ each December 24th, and given access to SCP-2412-1 through 3i. He then is to be allowed to leave the facility for █ hours, but not before a tracking device is installed on SCP-2412-2. Normally, SCP-2412 willfully returns to his place of containment after the scheduled time has passed; if this does not occur, follow emergency procedure P2412A immediately.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> Apprehended in Lapland in ████. Subject appears to be an elderly male of vaguely Caucasian heritage. SCP-2412 has stated that he is content with staying in the Foundation's custody, as long as his "yearly job" is not hampered.</p> <p>At time of capture, the following artifacts were in SCP-2412's possession:</p> <ul> <li><strong>SCP-2412-1</strong> - Appears to be an ordinary leather sack, filled with a number of objects, packed in typical decorative gift wrapping. Removal of any of those objects is impossible without SCP-2412's approval. This approval is given to some researchers and refused to others; there does not seem to be a pattern to this, although staff with numerous transgressions on their disciplinary reports is typically denied acquisition of any of the products of SCP-2412-1. The artifact appears to refill itself with new "gifts" at a steady rate; the source of them is unknown. Objects produced by SCP-2412-1 have so far exhibited no extraordinary properties, although all are of very good quality.</li> <li><strong>SCP-2412-2</strong> - For all intents and purposes, a large wooden sled. Displays unusual resistance both to physical trauma and to heat. Designed to be pulled by SCP-2412-3a through 3i, and while this is ongoing, SCP-2412-2 is considered an airborne vehicle of average manoeuverability.</li> <li><strong>SCP-2412-3a through 3i</strong> - Nine biological specimens. Appear to belong to an unknown species of <em>Rangifer.</em> Similar to ordinary reindeer, save for the capability of flight. This is baffling, as none of the specimens are equipped with wings or any other such organ. SCP-2412-3i has been requested by SCP-2412 to be situated, when pulling SCP-2412-2 with the other specimens, in the lead. Failure to adhere to this guideline may result in violent [DATA EXPUNGED]. The nose of SCP-2412-3i displays an abnormally red coloration; it is likely to be a result of a mutation.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Possible ties between SCP-2412 and <a href="/scp-190">SCP-190</a> are being investigated.</p> <p><strong>Dr. ██████████'s Report, 25th Dec ████:</strong> As ordered, a satellite tracking device has been installed on SCP-2412-2 before release. Results are hard to interpret. The tandem of SCP-2412 and all the sub-SCPs apparently was capable of clearing very high distances within seconds (this is theorized to be a form of teleportation), and even co-existing in numerous locations at once. When asked to name the party responsible for these anomalies, SCP-2412 replied simply "Magic." and refused to elaborate.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2412-j">SCP-2412-J</a>" by judgedeadd, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2412-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2412-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2421-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Object #:</strong> SCP-2421-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All new personnel are to be screened for any infection by SCP-2421-J using the Larkner Test, which entails undergoing rigorous review by senior members in a controlled environment for possible signs of infection. As infection with SCP-2421-J often occurs in conjunction with other diseases, treatment must begin as soon as possible. Personnel infected with SCP-2421-J are not permitted to handle any sensitive SCP material for a duration of 6 months. Personnel who are in advanced stages of infection will be terminated without delay.</p> <p>MTF Zeta-7 ("Banhammers") are to constantly monitor all Foundation traffic, in order to detect for possible SCP-2421-J infection.</p> <p><strong>Object Description:</strong> SCP-2421-J is a syndrome that naturally occurs over the realm of the Internet. However, when new personnel are hired by the Foundation, SCP-2421-J will manifest in unique symptoms that warrant mentioning.</p> <p>When a member infected with SCP-2421-J files a new article (referred to as 2421-2-J), the article itself will not follow standard Foundation format. Errors include:</p> <ul> <li>Non-standard titles;</li> <li>Gross spelling errors;</li> <li>Large blocks of redactions, often a symptom of co-infection with a virulent strain of <a href="/scp-1459-j">SCP-1459-J</a>;</li> <li>Gross grammatical errors;</li> <li>Bad links to any supporting documentation;</li> <li>Non-standard tags.</li> </ul> <p>When the infected staff member is censured on their work, they will attempt to counteract any negative censure with a positive review. This is the hallmark sign of SCP-2421-J infection, and is to be considered by all staff as a level-1 outbreak.</p> <p>Possible side effects of exposing non-infected staff members to SCP-2421-2-J include:</p> <ul> <li>A compulsion to edit the article heavily;</li> <li>Increased levels of irritability and anger;</li> <li>A desire to attack the infected member with a hammer.</li> </ul> <p>When three or more SCP-2421-J infected personnel gather, the infection takes a different route, blending the personalities of the group together to form a [DATA EXPUNGED]. Such beings are capable of causing extreme damage to any facility at which they are stationed, and thus should be terminated with extreme prejudice. For this purpose, MTF Zeta-7 has been authorized to use low-yield tactical nuclear devices in the event of a combination event, as prescribed in protocol BAN-THAT-BITCH-01.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2421-j">SCP-2421-J</a>" by Sad Xiao, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2421-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2421-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-248-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="anom-bar-container item-248-J clear-1 euclid none dark notice {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">248-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level1</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">euclid</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">none</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">dark</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">notice</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-248-J is to be held in a standard containment locker during inactive states. Due to its proximity to Locus-248-J, it is recommended that Site-131 be resposible for recontainment of SCP-248-J.</p> <p>Whenever SCP-248-J enters an active state, it is to be remotely monitored using the pre-existing security cameras at Locus-248-J. At the end of its active state, SCP-248-J is to be retrieved and recontained. Should SCP-248-J differ from its typical behaviour to an extent that it poses a risk to recontainment or secrecy, Foundation Agents disguised as local policemen are to apprehend SCP-248-J under the guise of violent behaviour and amnesticize all witnesses.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-248-J is an avian entity with a standing height of 45 centimeters and a weight of two kilograms. Superficially, it resembles a <em>Gallus gallus domesticus</em><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup>, however various parts of its body are replaced by irregular metallurgical implements. In addition, SCP-248-J has a white, abnormally large vestigial tongue growing from the inside of its upper beak.</p> <p>SCP-248-J exhibits two behavioral states: active and inactive, the latter of which is characterized by docile behaviour and immobility. On every Friday at 17:05 GMT, SCP-248-J enters its active state, at which point it demanifests from its previous position and spontaneously reappears at Locus-248-J.</p> <p>SCP-248-J will proceed to patronize Locus-248-J, a London pub running under the name ████████ ██, located directly across the street of Site-131's main entrance. Observed behaviour of SCP-248-J consists solely of conversing with other patrons; it has never been observed to order or consume food or beverages.</p> <p>During its active state, SCP-248-J will near-universally be perceived as a non-anomalous human of variable appearance; its perceived features between different active states are inconsistent. Still photography has proven to be the only viable method of capturing SCP-248-J's true avian appearance. Stills taken from video recordings do not share this property; the reason for this is unknown. Interviewing SCP-248-J during its active state has proven fruitless, as the entity appears wholly ignorant of its anomalous nature.</p> <p>SCP-248-J will remain within Locus-248-J for three consecutive days, even during closed hours. This will either be ignored or dismissed by the owner and other patrons. On the following Monday morning at 02:35 GMT, SCP-248-J will exit Locus-248-J and begin roaming aimlessly, until reverting to an inactive state at 06:00 GMT of the same day.</p> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> SCP-248-J</p> <hr/> <p>Hi Karen,</p> <p>Great work with writing up the documentation of SCP-248-J. I forwarded it to the Site Director, and they gave their tentative approval before O5 review. I'm inclined to recommend you for further filing work, as you requested.</p> <p>However, the Agents responsible for SCP-248-J's retrieval sent me an email asking for us to attach an image of the anomaly into the article. They tell me it'd help the new Agents to know what exactly SCP-248-J looks like, as the description is awfully vague.</p> <p>I trust you can handle this formality. Get back to me when you're done, and I'll make sure everything's in order with the image.</p> <p>Thanks in advance,<br/> Jude Ferguson</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> RE: SCP-248-J</p> <hr/> <p>All done! Didn't take me half an hour to march over there and retrieve this beauty of a portrait. Check the attached image and tell me what you think.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ View attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Close attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="337px-Pub%2C_Interior.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/1/19/Pub%2C_Interior.jpg/337px-Pub%2C_Interior.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Locus-248-J, which SCP-248-J patronizes during its active state.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>With regards,<br/> Karen Finlay</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> The image of SCP-248-J</p> <hr/> <p>Hi Karen,</p> <p>There might've been a misunderstanding here. When I asked you to attach an image of the anomaly, I naturally meant an image of SCP-248-J itself. While that picture of Locus-248-J is perfectly fine, I don't think it's necessary in the main article.</p> <p>Please rectify this asap, and let me know when you've made the necessary changes.</p> <p>Thanks in advance,<br/> Jude Ferguson</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> RE: The image of SCP-248-J</p> <hr/> <p>Hi, Sorry for the mishap! These things happen. I've updated the article with a better image now, how do you like it?</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ View attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Close attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="brown-hen-875018_1280.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-248-j/brown-hen-875018_1280.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>A non-anomalous California Bald-Necked Chicken, which closely resembles SCP-248-J.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>With regards,<br/> Karen Finlay</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> Incorrect image in the SCP-248-J article</p> <hr/> <p>Karen,</p> <p>What kind of nonsense are you trying to pull here? This isn't an image of SCP-248-J, it's a non-anomalous chicken, as you yourself fully admit in the caption. I'm not sure what you've been informed on, but SCP-248-J isn't a cognitohazard. There's no reason not to display a genuine image of it on an article.</p> <p>I've given you a very simple assignment. Get it done <em>now</em>.</p> <p>Jude Ferguson</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> RE: Incorrect image in the SCP-248-J article</p> <hr/> <p>Oh gosh I'm so stupid! Sorry, I'm new to this whole image thing, I thought this was standard procedure. I really don't know what I was thinking.</p> <p>Anyways, I've got an actual image of SCP-248-J this time, for sure! Took a bit of researching to find it, mind you, so I really hope this one sticks.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ View attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Close attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="SCP-238-J.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-248-j/SCP-238-J.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>A 15th century wood engraving possibly depicting SCP-248-J.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>With regards,<br/> Karen Finlay</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> Still not correct</p> <hr/> <p>Karen.</p> <p>The image you sent me isn't 'a 15th century wood engraving possibly depicting SCP-248-J'; SCP-248-J first became active in 2002. In fact our analysts confirmed that the image you sent me is in actuality a small portion of <em>The Garden of Heavenly Delights</em> by Hieronymus Bosch. I find this a rather unfitting choice, despite the coincidental similarities in appearance.</p> <p>At this point I'm assuming that your consistent misjudgements are the result of an office practical joke. In any case, I won't tolerate any more failures. If you fail to get me just a regular, full-body photograph of SCP-248-J, I'll have to consider disciplinary actions.</p> <p>Jude Ferguson</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> RE: Still not correct</p> <hr/> <p>Jude I'm sorry, I really didn't intend for any of this to happen! I just thought I was being a meticulous researcher. Now that I think about what happened, it all really seemed kinda silly. I wanted to show everyone how well I could do research, and it totally backfired on me.</p> <p>Now <em>this time</em> I've got an accurate, full-body <em>photo</em> of SCP-248-J! Hope you like it, I worked really hard on the thing.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ View attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Close attached image</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="SCP-248-J.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-248-j/SCP-248-J.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-248-J.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>Actually really sorry,<br/> Karen Finlay</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Karen Finlay (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk#noitadnuof.pcs\|yalnifk</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> Forced reassignment</p> <hr/> <p>I've taken the liberty with conferring with our data analytics department. After showing the provided image to Karena Volkov, our resident expert at image authenticity verification, she was able to, after a thorough three-second investigation, conclude that the photo you provided has been doctored. She told me, and I quote: "I can tell by the pixels."</p> <p>Pending a termination of your employment at the Foundation, I'm having you reassigned to less mentally strenuous projects.</p> <p>Jude Ferguson</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Delilah F. Hartman (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|namtrahfd#noitadnuof.pcs\|namtrahfd</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> The image for SCP-248-J</p> <hr/> <p>Hi,</p> <p>The article for SCP-248-J is missing a photograph of SCP-248-J itself. Can you go down to SCP-248-J's containment locker, take a picture of it and append it onto the article?</p> <p>Jude Ferguson</p> </div> <div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"> <p><strong>FROM:</strong> Delilah F. Hartman (Junior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|namtrahfd#noitadnuof.pcs\|namtrahfd</span></tt>><br/> <strong>TO:</strong> Jude Ferguson (Senior Researcher) <<tt><span class="wiki-email">noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj#noitadnuof.pcs\|nosugrefj</span></tt>><br/> <strong>SUBJECT:</strong> RE:The image for SCP-248-J</p> <hr/> <p>Done. I've attached the modified article for review, let me know what you think.</p> <p>Delilah Hartman</p> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ view attachment</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- close attachment</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="anom-bar-container item-248-J clear-1 euclid none dark notice {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">248-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level1</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">euclid</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">none</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">dark</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">notice</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="scp-blank.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-248-j/scp-blank.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-248-J.</p> </div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="meta-title"> <p><a href="/scp-248-j">*SCP-248-J</a> / Discussion</p> </div> <p><iframe allowtransparency="true" class="html-block-iframe" frameborder="0" src="/scp-248-j/html/f4c32d4116383de6008b6ea702198489b7d1a321-842878839528806099"></iframe></p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. A domestic chicken.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2558-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2558-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All specimens are to be contained in a play environment with toys that are unlikely to make sudden noises or motions, with comfortable room temperature and a very slow-moving automated feeder. Any personnel of Level 1 or above are authorized to interact with SCP-2558-J, but removing them from containment is highly discouraged.</p> <p>Specimens of the variety SCP-2558-J-ex are to be contained in a similar way, except that the walls of the containment room are to be fireproof and blast-resistant.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> Under normal circumstances, SCP-2558-J appears to be a group of normal kittens, of several different breeds. They are nearly universally friendly and tend towards affectionate interaction with humans and each other.</p> <p>When startled or threatened, they inflate into a ball of fluff roughly the size of a soccer ball. Their eyes are still visible through the fluff, and they begin mewling in a way that induces semi-parental instincts in all nearby, including the hearing impaired. Their range of motion is limited to anywhere they can roll, but they display surprising agility even when attempting to navigate a cluttered environment in fluff-ball form.</p> <p>Several varieties have been observed, including longhaired, hypoallergenic, grenade (see Addendum), and bouncy.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong><br/> Several of SCP-2558-J have been adopted by various Foundation personnel. They have been instructed on their care and feeding, and provided with several non-startling toys and a noise-canceling speaker to help set up a quiet play area for their specimens.</p> <p>SCP-2558-J has displayed the ability to distract people far more than merited by being kittens, even considering their anomalous abilities. Suggested reclassification as Euclid.</p> <p>4/21/2009, Upgrade to Euclid class approved by Dr. Rights.</p> <p>4/24/2009, Experimentation with <a href="/scp-914">SCP-914</a> combining SCP-2558-J and [DATA EXPUNGED] on the 'Fine' setting results in explosive variety of SCP-2558-J, hereby classified SCP-2558-J-ex. The creature is capable of reforming from the ashes of its own explosion.</p> <p>4/28/2009, After discussion leading to a formal request, O5-██, SCP-2558-J in general, and especially SCP-2558-J-Ex, are not to be weaponized. No further requests for military testing or usage will be authorized.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2558-j">SCP-2558-J</a>" by ClockworkMage, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2558-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2558-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2559-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2559-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> As of this time SCP-2559-J is currently contained at the bottom of Site██ but when its outflow finally breaches the top of Site██ containment will rapidly become impossible.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2559-J is the result of the interaction between the use of SCP-████ and a careless researcher and can be used as a reminder of what can happen when research methods are not kept to.</p> <p>SCP-2559-J is a "rip" in space-time created when Dr.██████ sliced through reality utilising SCP-████. SCP-████ allowed the user to cut through to the reality of their choice and create a portal which matter could pass through. At the time of the creation of SCP-2559-J Dr.██████ was supposed to be investigating a supposed "naziverse" that existed parallel to our own.</p> <p>When the slice was created and opened security logs show masses of kittens, of various breeds, filling up the portal before being ejected with massive force instantly killing Dr.██████ and her team of assistants. Within moments the room had filled with kittens and they began to exert massive pressures on the surrounding doors before breaking through and began to fill Site██.</p> <p>Fortunately Site██ was built inside the crater of Site██, which had been destroyed a number of years previously during a possible XK class breach and so the portal was located some 5.6km (3.5 miles) below ground. Since the opening of SCP-2559-J kittens have been spilling out at a fixed rate of roughly 11.36l/s (3gal/s) with a massive amount of pressure.</p> <p>Foundation researchers have attempted to exterminate the kittens to reach and close SCP-2559-J but have found that the mass of kittens, or kitten-pile as it is commonly called, appears to be invulnerable to conventional weapons and can exist without impairment at massive pressures or temperatures.</p> <p>Any individual kitten removed from the pile becomes unremarkable in every way and merges seamlessly with the pile when returned. Due to this SCP-2559-J has received Keter level of Classification and unless a solution can be found soon it will become uncontainable.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong></p> <p>According to Dr. Rights, considered by many to be The Foundation's foremost expert on kittens, SCP-2559-J is apparently a portal to "The Plane of Infinite Kittens." Apparently this dimension is nothing but an infinitely large kitten pile and may be the place from which all kittens come from. This would explain why the kittens were ejected from SCP-2559-J with such force as the pressure exerted by the pile on any given location would be astronomical.</p> <p>Attempts to reach the portal have so far failed as the kitten pile exerts a stupefying effect on anyone who enters it rendering them incapable of performing any action other than curling up and going to sleep until they sink to the point where the pressure exerted by the mass of kittens crushes them.</p> <p>Please note any and all attempts to cause mass termination or destruction of the kitten pile or Site██ has been met with massive levels of irrational violence on the part of Dr. Rights and Agent Tam. Caution is advised when attempting to pursue a solution to this problem.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2559-j">SCP-2559-J</a>" by Moley, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2559-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2559-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2600-CU	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><iframe src="//interwiki.scpwiki.com/styleFrame.html?priority=1&theme=https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--code/theme%3Apet/1&css={$css}" style="display: none"></iframe></p> <div style="float:right; margin:0 2em 1em 2em; width:300px; border:0;"> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th colspan="2"><sub>Image removed by order of O5-██, for driving personnel members barking mad with its… cuteness!</sub></th> </tr> </table> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2600-CU</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> It's, uh, cute.</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2600-CU is to be… huggled? Huggled. It is to be huggled at least once per day, by Assistant Researcher Betsy Stu. All personnel capable of tolerating SCP-2600-CU's <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">presence</span> adorableness<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> are to be permanently stationed within Site-56, which contains only SCP-2600-CU, as any other artifact would be overwhelmed by its <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">arcane powers</span> adorable face. Personnel who suffer organ failure or hemorrhaging from huggling SCP-2600-CU are clearly unworthy of its adorable love.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2600-CU is the cutest little thing. Anything written or spoken about SCP-2600-CU is to praise its adorable little… face? Other body parts may also be praised as they are identified.</p> <p>SCP-2600-CU is the cutest… organism ever! It has six super sweet eyes, made of the most d'aww inspiring viscous fluids! Look at the cute tentacle… wentacle? The slime feels like… <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">ohgodimgonnapuke</span> rainbows! Sometimes it leaks, but it does this little shrug/spasm that lets you know it's all okay! When it moves, sometimes it can bend through walls and listen to every word, so make sure you know we love it thiiiis much!</p> <p>Occasionally, it has spurted out massive amounts of liquids, which have been dubbed Cutie Fluids. These usually occur from SCP-2600-CU's cutie spots, which pulsate and grow when the adorable-ness levels become overwhelming! They are also known to burst when shedding, requiring frequent cleanup from all of SCP-2600-CU's best friends!</p> <p>Any personnel who do not wish to participate in praising how <em>adorable</em> SCP-2600-CU may participate in other activities, such as hanging up posters around Site-56 about the glorious adorable little dance it does, or creating documentation of it to send to other sites. MTF-Psi-9 "Those Poor Bastards" have been assigned with finding a breeding partner for SCP-2600-CU so that the whole planet may revel in its cuteness!</p> <p><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Pleasehelp</span> Any personnel who are mean to SCP-2600-CU are to be sent to time-out, or assigned to cleaning up the naughty corner.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Researcher Boyd was performing mandatory interactions with SCP-2600-CU, and made the mistake of going off-script, asking it "if it had been a bad widdle guy!" which caused it to become agitated. Researchers were able to placate SCP-2600-CU with minimal casualties, after assuring SCP-2600-CU that Researcher Boyd had been acting alone, and they all loved it very much.</p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Personnel must have been capable of withstanding the effects of <a href="/scp-006-cu-ex">SCP-006-CU-EX</a>.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2600-cu">SCP-2600-CU</a>" by Anonymous, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2600-cu">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2600-cu</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2600-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:270px;"><img alt="bsbike-new.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2600-j/bsbike-new.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2600-J attempting to abduct Agent Schwin.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2600-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2600-J is to be held within a standard containment chamber, located within <a href="/secure-facility-dossier-site-77">Site-77</a>. Personnel assigned to work with SCP-2600-J are to be given standard identity protection methods, such as fake beards and wigs. Standard Foundation bike locks are issued to all bicycles located within Site-77 to prevent abductions.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2600-J is a bicycle, manufactured by the Schwinn corporation in 1996. It is fully mobile, and will attempt to run down and abduct any personnel assigned to its containment, usually followed by an escape attempt. Other than this, SCP-2600-J displays no anomalous properties.</p> <p>Occasionally, media appearing to demand SCP-2600-J's immediate release will be delivered to Site-77. These will usually be accompanied by portions of bicycles which have been removed very roughly, such as portions of the frames and torn-up chains. Media will usually consist of pieces of paper covered in menacing tire tracks, ransom notes composed of newspaper clippings signed by the "<a href="/chicago-spirit">Bicycle Mafia</a>," or videos depicting several fedora-clad bicycles spinning their wheels aggressively.</p> <p>Personnel are advised not to let SCP-2600-J's cohorts intimidate them.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Transcript of a video delivered to Site-77 on 8/8/2008.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Begin Transcript</strong></p> <p><0:01> <em>Video begins, and appears to be taking place in an abandoned bike shop/Italian restaurant. Two bicycles are present, one red and one orange each wearing a feathered fedora. On the table in between them is a small red tricycle.</em></p> <p><1:00> <em>The red bicycle begins to spin its wheels rapidly, bouncing up and down in an aggressive manner.</em></p> <p><2:22> <em>The orange bicycle begins imitating the red bicycle. This continues in intervals for 3 minutes.</em></p> <p><5:23> <em>A hacksaw is produced.</em><br/> <5:24> [DATA EXPUNGED]</p> </blockquote> <p>The remains of the tricycle depicted in the video were delivered to Site-77 over the next 6 months. One piece at a time.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2600-JA:</strong> The Site-77 bicycle rack was compromised, with over twenty bicycles being stolen. Only a single broken lock was found at the scene.</p> <p><em>They got my Red Rocket! Those bastards!</em> - Junior Researcher Hutchins.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2600-JAA:</strong> Research into possible connections with the <a href="/serpent-s-hand-hub">Serpents Handle</a>, <a href="/sarkicism-hub">Shkwin Cults</a>, <a href="/marshall-carter-and-dark-hub">Motors n' Cars are Dumb Ltd.</a>, or Ford Pinto Dog Kennel Association is ongoing.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2600-j">SCP-2600-J</a>" by Anonymous, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2600-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2600-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> bsbike-new.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Cyclist L. Georget<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Library of Congress<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source:</strong> <a href="http://loc.gov/pictures/resource/ggbain.04379/">http://loc.gov/pictures/resource/ggbain.04379/</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2615-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2615-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All SCP-2615-J instances are to be contained in Standard Micro-Humanoid containment cells, which are then to be stored at Site-17. SCP-2615-J instances are to be fed thrice daily.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2615-J is a species of sapient humanoids which measure fifteen centimeters tall on average. All SCP-2615-J instances possess wings of varying appearance, though the wings universally match the appearance of the wings of various species of <em>Lepidoptera</em>. SCP-2615-J instances can use these wings to achieve airborne locomotion. SCP-2615-J instances are luminescent, though the light produced generates no heat and has no clear biological or chemical basis.</p> <p>SCP-2615-J instances are capable of limited reality warping, with most of their effects only affecting natural phenomena. Phenomena effected by SCP-2615-J include weather patterns, atmospheric temperature and pressure, animal behavior, and plant growth.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Interview with SCP-2615-J instance #28.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interviewed:</strong> SCP-2615-J #28</p> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Dr. Tamlin</p> <p><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <p><strong>Dr. Tamlin:</strong> #28, you are aware that several aspects of your physiology are not scientifically possible, correct? Would you care to explain how they work?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2615-J #28:</strong> Ah, I get it. You're gonna try the old "I don't believe in fairies" trick to try and get rid of us. It's not gonna work, you know, we moved away from existentialism a while back.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Tamlin:</strong> I'm not sure that you understood the question. For example, you weigh, what? 35 grams? Your wings shouldn't be able to support you in flight.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2615-J #28:</strong> It's magic.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Tamlin:</strong> The glow is another thing. There's no biological or chemical reason that you should be glowing.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2615-J #28:</strong> Again, magic.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Tamlin:</strong> But what about-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2615-J #28:</strong> MAGIC! IT'S ALL FREAKIN' MAGIC YOU IDIOT! WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?! <em>[At this point, SCP-2615-J #28's speech degrades into a set of growls, grunts, screams, expletives, and yet to be translated language.]</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Tamlin:</strong> I think we're done here.</p> <p><strong><End Log</strong>></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Note:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>Hi, sorry about that. Odds are that you're new to the Foundation and got linked to this page as a joke. I'll go ahead and tell you now that anything and everything with a "<a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/joke-scps">-J</a>" in the name is just an in-joke that someone made up (they tend to help boost morale). I normally wouldn't put this here, but I just got asked for the fifth time in a week what the "larger implications of SCP-2615-J's comments" are. There are no "larger implications". -Js aren't real. Move along and go read <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-779">SCP-779</a> or something. -<em>Researcher Walker</em></p> <p>P.S. I apologize if the humor wasn't readily apparent. It was originally created to get a laugh out of people who were there for the Site-17 picnic of '96. The only reason I can think of that we still have it is because some of the guys like getting a rise out of the newbies.</p> </blockquote> <div style="text-align: center;"> <hr/> <p><span style="color:#a6a6a6">Red sky at night<br/> Sailor's delight.</span></p> <hr/> <p><span style="color:#a6a6a6">Red sky at morning<br/> Sailors take warning.</span></p> <hr/> <hr/> <p><span style="color:#a6a6a6">The sun dances<br/> Along the sea</span></p> <hr/> <hr/> <hr/> <p><span style="color:#a6a6a6">And all their love<br/> Bleeds red.</span></p> <hr/> <hr/> <hr/> <hr/> <hr/> <p><span style="color:#a6a6a6"><a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2615">Antimemetic inoculation confirmed, please proceed.</a><br/></span></p> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2615-j">SCP-2615-J</a>" by HotCocoaNerd, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2615-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2615-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2618-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2618-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The five known trees that produce SCP-2618-J are to be kept in an open-air arboreal habitat of Site-59. To minimize risk of a Hubris Event, watering and other maintenance operations of the trees are to be carried out through automated systems.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2618-J is a banana cultivar that originated from the former French colony of █████ ██████████. In its appearance and genetic makeup, SCP-2618-J is indistinguishable from the common Cavendish banana.</p> <p>SCP-2618-J's anomalous effects surface when a human subject makes visual contact with an individual SCP-2618-J fruit. The subject will invariably perceive the banana to be an item the subject needs to accomplish a future or pre-existing goal. This has been designated a "Hubris Event".</p> <p>The perception can only be broken through the following means:</p> <ol> <li>A different human subject will remind the affected subject that SCP-2618-J is a banana.</li> <li>The affected subject attempts to use SCP-2618-J as they had originally intended.</li> </ol> <p>SCP-2618-J first came to the attention of the Foundation after a failed assassination attempt of United States Senator ████████ ███ on 12/20/██. A radical animal rights activist named Kevin Jarvis had charged the stage at a campaign rally and attempted to shoot the senator point-blank, only to discover that his pistol was actually an instance of SCP-2618-J. While major news outlets gave a cover story of the attack being an unusual prank, a 40-page manifesto was discovered in Mr. Jarvis's apartment detailing his desire to assassinate the Senator in retaliation for his alleged track record of animal cruelty.</p> <p><strong>Addendum - Incident 2618-J-████:</strong> On 4/19/██, during the initial containment efforts of SCP-2618-J, Site-59 experienced multiple containment breaches by SCP-████, a Keter-class amphibian entity. After several unintentional Hubris Events on the part of security staff, SCP-████ has been designated uncontained and reclamation efforts are underway.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Incident 2618-J-████, Hubris Event 2:</strong></p> <p><Begin Log></p> <p>[Dr. Naismith is giving Dr. Collins CPR]</p> <p><strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> It's not working - I think the ████ venom's in his system. He needs a defibrillator.</p> <p><strong>Sgt. █████:</strong> Already got one. Open his shirt.</p> <p>[Dr. Naismith opens Dr. Collins's shirt]</p> <p><strong>Sgt. █████:</strong> Charging. Keep at the pumping.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> That's not a defibrillator.</p> <p>[Sgt. █████ notices that he is holding two instances of SCP-2618-J. Five seconds of radio silence]</p> <p><strong>Sgt. █████:</strong> Let's never speak of this again.</p> <p><End Log></p> </blockquote> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ 4/2618-J Clearance Required</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- 'YES, WE HAVE NO CREDENTIALS' credentials accepted</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>SCP-2618-J has been declared uncontained as of 4/22/██, when the automated watering and maintenance systems were revealed to have been independent instances of SCP-2618-J all along. The five SCP-2618-J trees were never brought to Site-59 from their original plantation in █████ ██████████, as the recovered trees were also instances of SCP-2618-J all along.</p> <p>Final containment efforts of SCP-2618-J are to be carried out via autonomous drones as soon as possible. Should the drones return with independent SCP-2618-J instances rather than the actual trees, Contingency Fuqqdithshet-Alpha is to be enacted as soon as possible.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2618-j">SCP-2618-J</a>" by daveyoufool, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2618-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2618-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2718-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2718-j/hotelroom"><img alt="hotelroom" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/scp-2718-j/hotelroom/medium.jpg"/></a> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Suite-2718-J-43, reserved for Dr. Lisle Naismith. Not pictured: ant farm, stripper pole, automated massage frame, scented candles, home theater.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2718-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Thaumiel</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The portal to SCP-2718-J is to be kept at Area-2718 in a fortified containment bunker 50 km under Mt. Avsugning, Sweden. In the event of a pending K-class scenario, the bulkhead to SCP-2718-J is to be permanently sealed, and all containment staff are advised to cross their fingers.</p> <p>Due to limited resources available for the SCP-2718-J program, applicants for SCP-2718-J candidacy are to submit the following to O5 Command:</p> <ul> <li>A cover letter.</li> <li>A urine sample, 500 mL, for drug testing.</li> <li>A ten-page essay, double-spaced, in 12-point Times New Roman, on the subject of "Why I deserve a nice, cozy afterlife more than Little Cindy Masterson, 7, of Madison, WI, who says her prayers every night and donated her birthday money to the Red Cross." No fewer than 3 works cited are to be included, in MLA format; no sources are to be taken from Wikipedia.</li> <li>$5,000,000, cash.</li> <li>Five letters of recommendation from Level 4 Foundation Personnel.</li> <li>A full CV, including records of all donations, life achievements, random acts of kindness, and other relevant criteria.</li> <li>A receipt of a score of "perfect" or higher on the Naismith-Henderson Personnel Decency Placement Exam on the first try.</li> <li>One liter of desperate tears you've shed in the application process, to demonstrate effort.</li> <li>The correct answers to three riddles provided by an approved Application Gremlin, located in the Director's office of each Foundation site.</li> <li>Nudes.</li> </ul> <p>The estimated response time is approximately 2-3 years; therefore, during the waiting period, applicants are advised to always look both ways before crossing the street.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2718-J, formerly known as <a href="/scp-2317">SCP-2317</a>, is a wooden door and frame that leads to an extradimensional salt flat. Following the presumed neutralization of SCP-2317-K after a strongly-worded letter, SCP-2718-J has been used to build an extradimensional resort facility for the permanent containment and comfort of qualified dead bodies.</p> <p>Due to <a href="/scp-2718">recent revelations</a> about the afterlife/lack thereof, the necessity of a means to create an artificial afterlife for self-aware corpses can no longer be ignored. SCP-2718-J, known<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> to patrons as "Dammerung Resort Spa & Eternal Retirement Home," has been fitted with permanent residential accommodations for the deceased.</p> <p>Currently, SCP-2718-J houses 37 residents, a number that's expected to increase depending on the continued inevitability of death.</p> <p><strong>Addendum - Testimonials:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><em>"No mouth? Must scream? No problem! Here at Dammerung, we're committed to providing you the time of your life in this world and the next. You will never feel uncomfortable for even a femtosecond. Literally! To make sure your eternal stay with us is painless, we inject liquid tylenol in your brain five times a day!"</em> - Jim Durnley, Director of SCP-2718</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"A dream of deep tissue massages and hot tubs without end."</em> - O5-11</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>nods in approval</em> - Dr. Isaiah Henderson's corpse, through the aid of an automated nodding device provided in Suite-2718-J-13</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"JUST CREMATE ME ALREADY YOU SICK FUCKS"</em> - General Janet Spiegel, ☽☽☽ Initiative</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"When the grim reaper comes to call, come on down to Dammerung, and they'll make me clean out your colon with a thousand-dollar German sponge! If Mr. Durnley sees even a single maggot egg in your skin, I have to go back in the Punish Box™! Before I worked here, I was a Christian! Give us your money."</em> - Diana Jones, Housekeeper</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"I will keep the dead people healthy with my powerful magical doctor science because I am a doctor and I cure all the patients I am smart."</em> - <a href="/scp-049-j">Onsite Medical Director</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"Now, there you go again! Dammerung makes my joyous meat-mouth protrude angry love noises from the hotel room at the back of San Quentin with a bottle of cheap unbaptized children's tears, Mr. Gorbachev."</em> - Anonymous resident, Dammerung Presidential Suite</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>"…challenge accepted."</em> - <a href="/scp-ttku-j">Anonymous</a></p> </blockquote> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Depending on the structural integrity of individual eardrums.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2719-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="preview"> <p>SCP-2719-J is to be contained inside (your mum).</p> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2719">SCP-2719</a>-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Unfunny</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2719-J is to be kept inside <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">your mum</span>.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2719-J is a white adhesive nametag. The words "HELLO, I AM an inside joke" are present on the non-adhesive side, with "an inside joke" written on in what appears to be permanent marker.</p> <p>When SCP-2719-J is attached to a surface or number of surfaces, their respective concepts become overwritten with "an inside joke". The object loses all other meaning and context to anyone other than the individual who applied SCP-2719-J (hereby referred to as SCP-2719-J-1).<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup></p> <p>SCP-2719-J-1 therefore becomes the only individual who possesses knowledge of the object. This information is referred to as "the punchline". The applicant can share the punchline with anyone to have them "be in on" the joke, which will cause them to become an instance of SCP-2719-J-1.</p> <p>Individuals who are not in on the joke tend to become increasingly frustrated when left out, partly due to the knowledge that the information is typically accessible with ease and partly due to a mild cognitohazardous effect. It is not uncommon for subjects to experience other extreme emotional responses, including but not limited to boredom, awe, confusion, and fear, or any combination of these. More information can be found below.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 2719-J:</strong> Experimentation Data.</p> <p><em>Note: Tests were carried out in Testing Site Alpha of Conceptual Containment Facility-22, with Dr. Hubert Graham supervising a team of two researchers and three D-Class personnel.</em></p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <td><strong>Action</strong></td> <td><strong>Outcome</strong></td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham applies SCP-2719-J to containment chamber door.</td> <td>Everyone but Dr. Graham becomes distressed, insisting that there is no way out of the room. Graham is seen laughing to himself as group becomes increasingly agitated. No one else is able to identify the door, Graham claiming it was "an inside joke", therefore "they don't understand."</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham tells D-68129 in secret that SCP-2719-J is on a door.</td> <td>D-68129 doubles over laughing. D-68129 tells other personnel in room that SCP-2719-J is on a door. D-68129 summarily shot for ruining the joke.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup></td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham removes SCP-2719-J from containment chamber door and applies it to the back of D-33671's shirt.</td> <td>D-33671 suffers mild panic attack attempting to remove shirt without understanding what it is or how to do so. Dr. Graham reports pain in sides.</td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham removes SCP-2719-J and applies it to D-33671's forehead.</td> <td>Terrified personnel attempt to kill what they don't understand.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup></td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham applies SCP-2719-J to a perfect cube of solid, room-temperature air.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup></td> <td>No survivors, aside from Dr. Graham.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-7" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-7')">7</a></sup></td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham applies SCP-2719-J to his arm and introduces himself to the new researchers.</td> <td>"Hello, an inside joke, I'm dad."<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-8" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-8')">8</a></sup></td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham's five-year-old daughter applies SCP-2719-J to a collage she is making for her father while he's recovering in the infirmary.</td> <td>"What the fuck is this?"<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-9" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-9')">9</a></sup></td> </tr> <tr> <td>Dr. Graham removes SCP-2719-J from POS artwork and applies it to <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-in-a-box-j">SCP-????-J's box</a>.</td> <td>At least fifty-eight new conceptual puzzles have appeared on SCP-????-J's container. Box is now antimemetic, <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">we think</span>.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-10" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-10')">10</a></sup></td> </tr> <tr> <td>SCP-2719-J is applied to Finland.</td> <td>It turns out, Finland is not a real country. Not only is it not a real country but there is actually no landmass there at all, and the space between Sweden and Russia is actually empty ocean. Now I realize that this notion seems ridiculous but that is why the conspiracy works, and why people are afraid to speak out against the existence of Finland, so I would ask you to approach the evidence I put forward here with an open mind. Finland was first created some time during the Cold War between Russia and the West. It was also around this time that environmentalism and the idea of preserving our planet was really taking off, and it is due to both of those things that two of the main players in the Finland conspiracy came to work closely with each other, Russia and Japan. Japan-Soviet relations had always been shaky at best, but also incredibly secretive. Even as early as 1925 Japan and the Soviet Union had secret deals with each other regarding fishing rights between the two countries, with the Soviet Union giving up much of it's fishing rights to Japan with seemingly no explanation as to why. These secretive treaties and alliances continued right up until just before the fall of the Soviet Union, Gorbachev made trips to Japan months before the fall of the Soviet Union stating the entire time how the relations between them were improving, even when Soviet relations with the rest of the world were worsening. In fact the entire past 100 years of Japanese-Russian relations bring up many unanswered questions. Why at the height of WW2, were the battles between these two countries minimal despite being on opposing sides? Why did Japan sign a peace treaty with Russia in 1941, just months before their allies, Germany, went to war with Russia? Why were relations between Japan and Russia always good throughout the Cold War, despite the major geopolitical differences between the countries, and close geographical positions that you think would cause tensions? The answer is simple, they shared a common secret. A common asset that worked in both of their favours. And that asset was Finland. It's unclear when Finland was first thought up, some say it was during the Cold War, and others say it was as far back as the 1920's, but the necessity of Finland is quite simple. Japan can fish in the region of ocean between Sweden and Russia without worry for environmental repercussions, after all, nobody's going to expect fishing regulations to be broken in a place where everyone thinks there's a landmass will they? And in return Russia get a percentage of the fish to distribute amongst their populace. It's a simple case of fishing the Finnish Sea, transporting it across Russia, (that was the real reason for the construction of the Trans-Siberian railway by the way), and then shipping it from the Eastern Russian coast to Japan under the disguise of 'Nokia' products. This is why Nokia is the largest 'Finnish' company, and it is also why Japan is the largest importer of Nokia products, despite the fact that very few people own Nokia phones in the country. There are clearly some unanswered questions to this conspiracy that I'll try and address below. 1- What about Finnish people? Are they all in on the conspiracy? A. No. People from Finland genuinely believe they're from Finland. In reality they are from small towns on either the Eastern part of Sweden, the Western part of Russia, or the Northern part of Estonia. 2- What about all of Finland's other exports other than Nokia? A. Finland's three biggest, and three most well known areas of industry are Oil, Tech, and Software. The oil is gathered in offshore platforms where the rest of us believe the landmass of Finland is, (again the Japanese get to avoid rigging regulations in this respect), the Tech companies have already been explained above with the Nokia post, and Software companies can easily redirect their IP Address through the Finnish sea. As for other Finnish exports, well, claiming Santa comes from your country isn't a viable way to get people to believe in it. 3- What about Helsinki? That is an enormous city on the world stage. A. Helsinki is located in Eastern Sweden. It's not like the people flying there would notice. 4- What about everywhere else in Finland? There's a lot to it and it couldn't all be made up. A. 99% of Finland is forest. A lot of it doesn't need to be accounted for when addressing Finnish geography. 5- Why do other countries go along with it? A. At first it was a sign of goodwill between Western Countries and the Soviet Union. A bargaining chip that could be played. But Finland has since evolved to something much more. An idealistic placeholder for what countries should aspire to. No real country could so consistently place first in Education, Healthcare, Gender Equality, Literacy Rates, National Stability, The least corrupt government in the world, Freedom of the press. It's a concept for countries and people to aspire to. But that's where the problems about Finland's existence is disputed. no country in the world can possibly be that good. 6- Why the name Finland? A. The country was originally made for fishing. What do fish have? Fins. Thus Finland. 7- What about the Finnish language? A. Look up the similarities between Japanese and Finnish. It may surprise you how similar they are. Which is weird considering the vast distances between them. 8- I'm Finnish and your attack on my people and culture is insulting. A. I'm not insulting Finnish people or culture. I don't even deny that there is Finnish culture. When you have a collective of a few million people identifying as Finnish then of course a culture will be built around it. I'm simply saying that that the landmass of Finland isn't actually there. It doesn't mean there can't be a culture or identity of being Finnish however. 9- This is an enormous conspiracy to keep secret, how could nobody else of realized it? A. Other people have realized it. But imagine the ridiculousness of the statement 'I don't believe Finland exists'. Even if we did have undeniable proof of something put in front of us we would still hold the opinion that most of our friends, family, and acquaintances hold to not disrupt social convention. It's part of the human condition. 10- What about GPS and Satellite Images? A. Manipulated and forged. In the parts of Estonia, Sweden, and Russia that are allocated as 'Finnish zones' the GPS locations are changed to match that of Finland. <span style="text-decoration: underline;">Satellite images can be forged</span>.</td> </tr> </table> <p><em>I kind of lost my train of thought, but the point I'm trying to make here is that <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Finland</span> <span style="text-decoration: underline;">does</span> <span style="text-decoration: underline;">not</span> <span style="text-decoration: underline;">exist</span></strong>. Hey, that could make a great skip.</em></p> <p><em>wait a minute… w o a h</em></p> <p><em>added tags:</em> <strong>meta</strong></p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. <em>Revision of the containment procedures pending review of the Ethics Committee upon expressing concerns over the failing structural integrity of the Secure Facility, as well as the obvious moral dilemma of keeping an elephant in a confined space.</em> - Dr. Izza</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Dr. Izza has been fired.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Although the subject can be just as easily referred to as "the comedian" or "a barrel of laughs", if said as a sarcastic invective.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. "Don't look at me like that, he deserved it! Punk-ass…" - Dr. Graham</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. <em>Whoops</em> - Dr. Graham</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. Don't ask.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-7"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-7')">7</a>. <em>Whooooooooops</em> - Dr. Graham</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-8"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-8')">8</a>. Onsite nuke detonated.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-9"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-9')">9</a>. "You call that art, kid? [to orderly] Whose [REDACTED] do I gotta play with to get some godDAMN morphine in here??"</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-10"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-10')">10</a>. <em>What in god's name did you do?!?</em> [incoherent screaming] - Site Director Belushi</div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2719-j">SCP-2719-J</a>" by Billith, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2719-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2719-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-273-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-273-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All cans of SCP-273-J are to be seized from commercial retail locations, and every new shipment of SCP-273-J is to be automatically redirected to the Foundation<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> and stored in Locker-811, located in Sub-Level 73C in Site-198.</p> <p>D-Class personnel, janitors, and dehydrated individuals are not allowed to enter Locker-811 under any circumstances. All personnel are additionally advised that they are not to drink SCP-273-J under any circumstances, including the circumstances in which they are dehydrated, thirsty, or have spent more than 2-3 days in a desert environment without replenishing their personal drink supplies.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-273-J refers to a series of canned fruit juices sold under the name 'Freezies'. A can of SCP-273-J is marked with the brand name 'Freezies', accompanied by the sentence, 'It's Freezingly Good!', on the side of the can. SCP-273-J is sold in several different flavours<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> : Apple, Orange, Pear, Peach, and Mango. No manufacturer's logo or name can be seen on the can itself.</p> <p>Once a can of SCP-273-J is consumed by a human, SCP-273-J will drastically lower the temperature of the individual's body parts and organs to one below -1 degrees Celsius in a span of about an hour, slowing all body parts and organs to an almost-complete standstill and achieving an effect similar to the effects of cryogenic freezing. However, the human still exhibits signs of life, which include a slow, rhythmic beating of the heart, slight movements in the facial region, and attempts to communicate while speaking around a frozen tongue.</p> <p>On May 15, 20██, at approximately 1545 hours, D-6745 (designated SCP-273-J-1) was in the process of transporting a carton of SCP-273-J to Locker-811 when he reportedly 'felt thirsty'. After he noted that there were no other available ways for him to quench his thirst, D-6745 consumed a can of peach-flavoured SCP-273-J. By 1615 hours, D-6745 had experienced the full effects of SCP-273-J, and had become frozen in place in Sub-Level 20B in Site-198.</p> <p>Researchers assigned to SCP-273-J attempted to interview D-6745 a few hours after he was frozen, only to obtain information described by the researchers as 'pure nonsense'. Following the conclusion of the interview, D-6745 proceeded to be subjected to experimentation attempting to reverse the effects of SCP-273-J. (See Addendum 273-A)</p> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Interview Log 1:</strong></p> <p><strong>Interviewer:</strong> Doctor Reese Martens, head researcher of SCP-273-J<br/> <strong>Interviewed:</strong> D-6745 (Charlie Blackwell), also known as SCP-273-J-1<br/> <strong>Date:</strong> May 16, 20██, 1443 hours<br/> <strong>Venue:</strong> Between the break room and the bathrooms, Sub-Level 20B, Site-198</p> <p><strong>Note:</strong> <em>All dialogue from the interviewed subject has been roughly translated to English.</em></p> <p><em>RM:</em> Can you hear me, SCP-273-J-1? Can you hear me?</p> <p><em>CB:</em> hieuyeuifjb jhsxkushhsi hhsuhihoi hushwhs whweue suioddjcpdjedehh (Translated: I can hear you. Please don't refer to me as SCP-273-J-1, please.)</p> <p><em>RM:</em> Why did you drink a can of SCP-273-J, even though you knew its effects?</p> <p><em>CB:</em> ycduyfctehuhh (Translated: I was thirsty.)</p> <p><em>RM:</em> We're going to have to find a way to reverse the effects of SCP-273-J on you. Do you mind if we do a couple of tests on you?</p> <p><em>CB:</em> wyedguwegc jexwjebej shwh hsdhuiucgi!!!!! cugugedugcogc!!!!! ffiudopupu cgfsfgdifguiegigig!!!!! (Translated: Sure, why not.)</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Addendum 273-A:</strong> <em>List of attempts to reverse effects of SCP-273-J on D-6745</em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Attempt 1:</span></strong></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-1568</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> 2 gallons of boiling hot water were poured into D-6745's mouth and down his throat.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 2:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-1678</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> 2 gallons of boiling hot chocolate were poured into D-6745's mouth and down his throat.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745. Subject mumbled that the “hot chocolate was delicious”.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 3:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-3678</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> 2 gallons of boiling hot coffee were poured into D-6745's mouth and down his throat.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745. A sound similar to that of groaning was heard from subject, and subsequently, subject mumbled that he “hated coffee”.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 4:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> Doctor Cassidy</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> Doctor Cassidy kissed D-6745 fully on the lips.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745, apart from a slight red discolouration on his cheeks.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 5:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-1765</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> D-6745 was placed inside a sauna and left there for 12 hours.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 6:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-4357</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> D-6745 was placed inside a powered tanning bed and left there for 12 hours.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change or change in skin complexion was observed in D-6745.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 7:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-7898</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved (with reluctance)</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> D-6745 was placed inside a cremation oven and left there for 12 hours.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745. Subject mumbled that he 'did not want to go in there again'.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 8:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-4514</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> D-6745 was slowly roasted over an open fire for 24 hours.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745. Subsequently, researchers remarked that subject smelled 'tasty'.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 9:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-987</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Denied</span> Approved</p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> 50 crushed Carolina Reapers were stuffed into D-6745's mouth at once.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> No physical change was observed in D-6745. Carolina Reapers fished out of subject's mouth with difficulty.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 10:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> D-3456</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> Denied</p> <p><strong>Proposed Idea:</strong> D-6745 was to be dropped into the Sun and fished out afterwards.</p> <p><strong>Rejection Reason:</strong> Too expensive.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Attempt 11:</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Idea suggested by:</strong> Doctor ██████</p> <p><strong>Proposal Status:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Denied</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Approved</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Denied!</span> <em>Approved!!!! - Doctor ██████</em></p> <p><strong>Details:</strong> The ██████ was poured down D-6745's throat.</p> <p><strong>Results:</strong> A noise similar to that of screaming was heard from D-6745 for 12 continuous hours. D-6745's body broke in half approximately eleven hours into the screaming, and both halves subsequently spontaneously caught fire. The entire process lasted for approximately 48 hours, before both flaming halves of D-6745's body spontaneously exploded.</p> <p><strong>End Note 1:</strong> <em>Holy</em> [DATA EXPUNGED]. <em>Well, that takes care of one problem. - Doctor Reese Martens</em><br/> <strong>End Note 2:</strong> <em>Experiments to attempt to reverse SCP-273-J's effects on D-6745 have been postponed. - Doctor Reese Martens</em><br/> <strong>End Note 3:</strong> <em>On the other hand, experiments to attempt to clean bits of D-6745 off the floor of Site-198 have been opened! Cast your proposals today!- Doctor Reese Martens</em></p> </blockquote> <hr/> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-273-j">SCP-273-J</a>" by DrMartens, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-273-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-273-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Under the pseudonym of the "Food and Beverage Safety Inspection Agency".</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Different flavours do not seem related to different effects on humans.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2772-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="preview"> <p>Dr. Gleason makes an offer you can't refuse!</p> </div> <div class="info-container"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div> <p style="text-align: center;"><em><strong>SCP-2772-J:</strong> SUV Sales Pitch</em></p> <p style="text-align: center;">Word Count: 1,000</p> <p style="text-align: center;">Reading Time: 3.5 minutes</p> </div> <hr/> <div id="u-author_block"> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/brighton-high">▸ More by this Author ◂</a></p> </div> <hr/> <div id="u-comments2" style="display: none;"> <p>{$comments2}</p> </div> <div class="u-faq"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/component:info-ayers">F.A.Q.</a></p> </div> <div style="display: none;"> <p>{$doesthisfixthebug}</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <table style="border: none; width: 100%;"> <tr> <td><span style="font-size:125%;"><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2772-J</span></td> <td style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:125%;"><span style="color: #990001"><strong>Level 0/2772-J</strong></span></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td><span style="font-size:125%;"><strong>Object Class:</strong> For Sale</span></td> <td style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:125%;"><span style="color: #990001"><strong>Limited Time Offer!</strong></span></span></td> </tr> </table> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-center" style="width:100%;"><img alt="IMG_2772.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2772-j/IMG_2772.jpg" style="width:100%;"/> <div class="scp-image-caption" style="width:100%;"> <p>SCP-2772-J on full display. You won't find a better deal anywhere else!</p> </div> </div> <hr/> <table style="width: 100%;"> <tr> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Assigned Site</strong></span></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Site Director</strong></span></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Research Head</strong></span></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:90%;"><strong>Assigned Task Force</strong></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">Site-56</span></td> <td style="border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">Dir. Peter Palermo</span></td> <td style="border-right: 1px solid #AAA; text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">Dr. Gary Gleason</span></td> <td style="text-align: center; width: 25%;"><span style="font-size:80%;">N/A</span></td> </tr> </table> <hr/> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2772-J is currently in the possession of Dr. Gary Gleason, and is to be sold to a prospective buyer as soon as possible.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2772-J is a lightly used 2006 Ford Expedition with an Eddie Bauer trim package. It has been owned and operated by Dr. Gleason for about eight years. It is of immeasurable importance to sell SCP-2772-J to another person in a short amount of time. Notable details of SCP-2772-J include:</p> <ul> <li>7 cushy seats</li> <li>A combined MPG rating of 17</li> <li>A great sound system</li> <li>Up-to-date registration and insurance</li> <li>Only 97,223 miles!!!</li> </ul> <p>SCP-2772-J is available to purchase for <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">$2500</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">$2000</span> $1900 USD. Call Dr. Gleason at (555)-867-5309 for more details.</p> <p><strong>Interviews:</strong> The following is an incomplete log of people who refused the chance to buy SCP-2772-J from Dr. Gleason at a reasonable price.</p> <p><span style="color: white">These guys missed out on a great deal!</span></p> <blockquote> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>Transcript 2772-J-01</strong></p> <p><strong>Honest Salesman:</strong> Dr. Gleason</p> <p><strong>Stingy Bastard:</strong> Agent Caesar Spago</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> Agent Spago has just arrived at Site-56 after the conclusion of an unrelated <a href="/scp-4618">interview</a>.</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Hey, Caesar, you're back!</p> <p><strong>Agent Spago:</strong> Hi, Gary. It took me seven hours to walk all the way back here from Brighton High, all because Donahue didn't have the sense to pick me up afterwards.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Man, it looks like you needed some reliable transportation! Wait till you see this!</p> <p><strong>Agent Spago:</strong> That's nice, but I just want a coffee and some vacation pay right n-</p> <p><em>Dr. Gleason drags Agent Spago to the Site-56 parking lot without his consent, and stops in front of SCP-2772-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Look at this bad boy! It's got air conditioning, and exclusive trim-</p> <p><strong>Agent Spago:</strong> Gary, I don't want to buy your SUV. I already have a car.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> But with <em>this</em>, you could've driven back instead of walking!</p> <p><strong>Agent Spago:</strong> <em><very very angry></em> Well, it's too late now!</p> <p><em>Agent Spago starts to walk away.</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Caesar, wait! I still haven't told you about the seat warmers!</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><End Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Closing Statement:</strong> Following Agent Spago's refusal to purchase SCP-2772-J, Dr. Gleason was recorded making a sales pitch to Researcher Murrieta, who also refused.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>Transcript 2772-J-02</strong></p> <p><strong>Opportunity Provider:</strong> Dr. Gleason</p> <p><strong>Annoying Cheapskate:</strong> Dr. Victoria Vomac</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> Dr. Vomac is currently in the market for a new vehicle.</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> <em><meekly></em> Vicky, could I speak with you for a second?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Vomac:</strong> Yeah, sure, what do ya need?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> I heard you're looking for a car to buy, so I thought that-</p> <p><strong>Dr. Vomac:</strong> Oh <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-343">343</a>, not this again.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Yes, this again! My SUV is perfect for your family, and it holds more cargo than that minivan you're wanting to buy.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Vomac:</strong> Gleason, we've already been over this. I'm not buying your car.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> So what?! You're just gonna sink 30 grand in a mommy-mobile, when you can get my Eddie Bauer for a tenth of that?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Vomac:</strong> Get out of my office.</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><End Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Closing Statement:</strong> Dr. Vomac's refusal to get a great deal must be the result of some sort of infohazard. I will have to look into this. <em>-Dr. Gleason</em></p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>Transcript 2772-J-03</strong></p> <p><strong>Deal-Making Doctor:</strong> Dr. Gleason</p> <p><strong>Greedy Miser:</strong> Researcher Taylor Tassajara</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> Researcher Tassajara is the only one at Site-56 that Dr. Gleason has not asked at this point.</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Excuse me? Are you Tassajara?</p> <p><strong>Researcher Tassajara:</strong> Oh, yes. You must be Dr. Gleason. Nice to meet you.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Look, I… I have something I've never told anyone before.</p> <p><strong>Researcher Tassajara:</strong> Is this about the Ford you're trying to sell?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> No, it's- actually, yeah, it's about that. How did you know?</p> <p><strong>Researcher Tassajara:</strong> Everyone warned me about this. And just to get this out of the way, I'm not buying SCP-2772-J.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Ah, you've seen my database entry. So will you buy it?</p> <p><strong>Researcher Tassajara:</strong> <em><in an annoyed tone></em> I just said no! Get away from me!!</p> <p><em>Researcher Tassajara runs down the hall, away from Dr. Gleason.</em></p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><End Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Closing Statement:</strong> Shoot. Looks like the infohazard spread to her as well. <em>-Dr. Gleason</em></p> </blockquote> <div class="vdn"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2 id="toc0"><span>DIRECTOR'S NOTE</span></h2> <p>Gleason, the creation of an SCP entry for the mere purpose of selling your personal vehicle is unacceptable. See me in my office immediately.</p> </div> </div> <p><span style="color: white">I just wanna sell this before the smog check comes up.</span></p> <blockquote> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>Transcript 2772-J-04</strong></p> <p><strong>Innocent Entrepreneur:</strong> Dr. Gleason</p> <p><strong>Pretentious Penny-Pincher:</strong> Director Peter Palermo</p> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> This is a scheduled meeting regarding SCP-2772-J.</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><Begin Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Director Palermo:</strong> Have a seat, Gary.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Hello, Mr. Palermo. I'll take cash or credit for my SUV. I have the papers ready.</p> <p><strong>Director Palermo:</strong> <em><confused></em> Wha… what? No, we need to talk about "2772-J". And it's <em>Director</em> Palermo to you.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Oh yes, my SUV. If you want, I'm willing to cut a hundred dollars off the price.</p> <p><strong>Director Palermo:</strong> This is ridiculous! You cannot write an SCP entry just to advertise your damn car! You need to delete it, or I'm gonna get you terminated.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> Oh, I see. You're affected by the infohazard, too.</p> <p><strong>Director Palermo:</strong> <em><confused out of his mind></em> Wha… what??</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> There's a infohazard going around causing people to react with hostility towards SCP-2772-J. Don't worry, I'm trying to find a cure.</p> <p><strong>Director Palermo:</strong> No, no! This isn't a infohazard, it's just that no one wants your car!!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Gleason:</strong> It's okay, Director Palermo. Your viewpoint isn't natural, you're just a victim of a infoha-</p> <p><strong>Director Palermo:</strong> <em><really upset></em> GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!</p> <hr/> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><End Log></strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Closing Statement:</strong> The Director does not seem to be immune to the infohazard. I should investigate whether it affects civilians. -Dr. Gleason</p> </blockquote> <div class="vdn"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2 id="toc1"><span>DIRECTOR'S NOTE</span></h2> <p>Through my limited research, it seems that the only way to get rid of Gleason's pleas is to just buy "SCP-2772-J" from him. So, who's gonna take one for the team? It's only 1900 bucks now.</p> </div> </div> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2772-j">SCP-2772-J</a>" by Jiwoahn, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2772-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2772-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <div style="text-align: left;"> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> IMG_2772.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Ford Expedition Eddie Bauer Edition<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/jiwoahn" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(5099163); return false;"><img alt="Jiwoahn" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=5099163&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1725248107" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=5099163)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/jiwoahn" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(5099163); return false;">Jiwoahn</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-SA-3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2772-j/IMG_2772NOPLATE.jpg">SCP Foundation Wiki</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2800-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><iframe src="//interwiki.scpwiki.com/styleFrame.html?priority=3&theme=https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--code/theme%3Anew-age/1&css={$css}" style="display: none"></iframe></p> <div class="expoblock"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p><span style="font-size:200%;"><span style="color:red">BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL<br/></span></span><br/> <span style="font-size:170%;"><span style="color:red">THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENT IS LEVEL 5 CLASSIFIED<br/></span></span><br/> <span style="font-size:150%;"><span style="color:red">UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS IS PUNISHABLE BY TERMINATION<br/></span></span><br/> <span style="font-size:150%;"><span style="color:red">YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED<br/></span></span><br/> <span style="font-size:150%;"><span style="color:red">Opening File…<br/></span></span></p> </div> </div> <div class="anom-bar-container item-2800-J clear-5 keter none amida critical {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">2800-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level5</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">keter</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">none</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">amida</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">critical</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="scp-image-block block-center" style="width:80%;"><img alt="CorkBottle.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2800-j/CorkBottle.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p><strong>Left:</strong> Stone mass covering surface contact point "Cork". (Site-21 is located within the rock structure.) <strong>Right:</strong> Incomplete map of SCP-2800-J according to gravitational and seismic measurements.</p> </div> </div> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES</strong></span></span></p> </div> <br/> The Foundation <em>CORKSCREW Satellite Array</em> has been established in geosynchronous orbit to continuously monitor SCP-2800-J. Contact with the CORKSCREW Array is to be maintained from Site-21, and any major gravitational or seismic changes detected by the Array are to be reported to Site Command immediately. Upon suspicion of a possible <em>Melchizedek Event</em>, Sabre-Team is to be contacted directly for execution of Protocol 5-28-Sabrage. <p>Sabre-Team is to consist of three Overseer Personnel,<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> in four rotating shifts lasting no more than six months. With Shift 1 consisting of O5-2, -3, and -4, and rotating up to Shift 4, consisting of O5-11, -12, and -13. Upon conclusion of a shift, all Sabre-Team members are to reset and generate new passwords and keyphrases. These passwords are to then be printed out and delivered to the next Sabre Shift, who are to memorize and burn them. Upon conclusion of this process, the former team is to undergo Class-C amnestization.</p> <p>Upon activation of Protocol 5-28-Sabrage, the designated Sabre-Overseers are to immediately report to Site-21 and unlock Chamber Alpha. Chamber Alpha can only be unlocked via password during a confirmed Melchizedek Event. As further precaution, each Sabre-Team member is to memorize only one-third of this password. Once unlocked, Sabre-Team is to utilize device <em>Pantabeta</em> and <em>2800-J-Delta</em> in conjunction to execute the next stage of Protocol 5-28-Sabrage.</p> <p>Upon confirmation that tectonic events have ceased worldwide, the Pantabeta and 2800-J-Delta devices are to be disassembled and re-sealed inside Chamber Alpha. SCP-2800-J will sleep for an average of 7-10 years before another Melchizedek Event.</p> <p>Protocol 5-28-Sabrage is currently the only attainable way to prevent a full Melchizedek Event. Any failure in the execution of this procedure is certain to cause an XK-Class "End of the World" scenario.</p> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>DESCRIPTION</strong></span></span></p> </div> <br/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><span style="font-size: 150%; font-weight: bold;"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ SABRE-TEAM ACCESS ONLY +</a></span></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><span style="font-size: 150%; font-weight: bold;"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- INSUFFICIENT CLEARANCE-</a></span></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><span style="font-size:150%;"><span style="color:red">ACCESS DENIED<br/></span></span><br/> <span style="font-size:150%;"><span style="color:red">OPENING CLEARED DOCUMENTATION…<br/></span></span></p> <div class="scp-image-block block-center" style="width:80%;"><img alt="Glyph.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2800-j/Glyph.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>[REDACTED] canyons around Site-21. Thought to represent [REDACTED] mythological being [REDACTED] SCP-2800-J. Dated c. 500BCE.</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="font-size:150%;"><strong>[SABRE DATA REDACTED]</strong></span></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="scp-image-block block-center" style="width:80%;"><img alt="LosAngeles.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2800-j/LosAngeles.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Aftermath of Los Angeles Earthquake (1920).</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="font-size:150%;"><strong>[SABRE DATA REDACTED]</strong></span></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="scp-image-block block-center" style="width:80%;"><img alt="Beta.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-2800-j/Beta.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Assembly of Pantabeta Device Prototype (1937).</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="font-size:150%;"><strong>[SABRE DATA REDACTED]</strong></span><br/></p> <div style="text-align: left;"> <blockquote> <p>I don't need to remind you how pivotal this role is to the stability of the world as we know it. Lucky for you, it is one we do not have to shoulder alone. From the Children of the Night, who first corked the Beast in the desert, to the human generations who kept watch after, and finally to us. This is more than a procedure, but a duty passed through the eons to each and every one of you, and I have no doubt in your ability to do what must be done. Remember those words each time you pass along that weight to your peers. You are the best of the best.</p> <p><em>-O5-1</em></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>ADDENDUM ONE</strong></span></span><br/> Recorded Melchizedek Event Log 1-23</p> </div> <div class="orange"> <div class="miscom_message"><div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><strong>Date:</strong> <span class="odate time_1736298088 format_%25m%2F%25d%2F%25Y">08 Jan 2025 01:01</span></p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Sabre-Team Status:</strong> Shift 2: O5-5, O5-6, O5-7</p> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <p><strong>Events (UTC)</strong></p> </div> <p>01:23 - CORKSCREW Array Report: Minor Gravity Fluctuations under Indian subcontinent.</p> <p>02:11 - CORKSCREW Array Report: Major Gravity Fluctuations under Arabian Plate.</p> <p>02:18 - Site-21 Director Zulu Kind woken and alerted. Results gathered for review.</p> <p>02:45 - CORKSCREW Array Report: Major seismic event at Nazca-South American subduction zone.</p> <p>02:48 - News reports of a major earthquake off the coast of Peru. Tsunami warnings go into effect across the pacific.</p> <p>02:51 - Sabre-Team alerted. Protocol 5-28-Sabrage goes into effect.</p> <p>02:56 - O5-5 Confirmed en-route to Site-21. O5-7 Confirmed en-route to Site-21.</p> <p>02:58 - O5-6 Confirmed en-route To Site-21. MTF Alpha-1 "Red Right Hand" alerted.</p> <p>03:01 - Confirmed tsunami strikes along South America. Major Seismic event at Site-21. Emergency Cork Restraints activated at Site-21.</p> <p>03:15 - All MTF Alpha-1 escorts join their Sabre-Team personnel en-route to Site-21.</p> <p>03:31 - Further seismic and gravitational activity.</p> <p>03:43 - Confirmed arrival of O5-7 and Alpha-1 escort.</p> <p>03:46 - Confirmed arrival of O5-5, O5-6, and Alpha-1 escorts. Site-21 goes into full lockdown.</p> <p>03:48 - Sabre-Team escorted to Chamber Alpha by Site-21 Director Zulu Kind and Alpha-1 Commander Daniel Miles.</p> <p>03:49 - Begin surveillance recording from Chamber Alpha…</p> </div> </div> <br/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="red"> <div class="expoblock"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h5 id="toc0"><span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Chamber Alpha Recorded Log</strong></span></span></h5> </div> <br/> <div style="text-align: left;"> <p><em>(Site Director Kind, Commander Miles, O5-5, O5-6, and O5-7 arrive at the towering steel door in front of Chamber Alpha. The dark room is lit up by several sets of red emergency lights.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Commander Miles, have your men outside. Nobody save us enters or leaves this room.</p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> <em>(Saluting.)</em> Yes, ma'am!</p> <p><em>(Commander Miles leaves. O5-5 boots up the access computer.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> I never really thought I'd see the day…</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Spare us your personal comments, Director. They are irrelevant.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Yes sir. My apologies.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> We have prepared almost a decade for this day. There will be <em>no</em> distractions.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Understood, sir.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Authorized Access detected. Welcome Sabre-Shift Two.</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Activate 5-28-Sabrage access.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Card Read confirmed. Retinal Scan confirmed. Please enter verbal password codes <em>7, 6, 5</em>.</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Tree-Ait-Foxtrot.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Code 7 Confirmed…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Juliet-Whisky-Niner.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 frowns and glances at him.)</em></p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Incorrect Match.</tt></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Juliet-Whisky-Niner?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Hold on…</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Incorrect Match.</tt></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Six?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> That is my set.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Excuse me?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> My part of the passcode? Juliet-Whisky-Niner?</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Code 5 Confirmed…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> See? That one was mine. What's your part?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> That was it. I memorized <em>'Juliet-Whisky-Niner'</em>.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Incorrect password.</tt></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> This is not the time for a joke-</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Interrupting.)</em> That is the code I received. That is what I memorized.</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Six. <em>Tell me</em> you did not memorize the incorrect part of the password.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> That's the section I read and memorized and burned. <em>'Juliet-Whisky-Niner'</em>.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Incorrect password</tt></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Um, do you want me to-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(To Kind.)</em> Be quiet.</p> <p><em>(Director Kind reluctantly steps over to the computer, cancelling the password input.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> We all received our parts of the code at the beginning of our shift.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Yes, I received and memorized part of the code.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> You did? Because that door is not open!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Okay, let us-</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Interrupting.)</em> I received and memorized a code-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> The <em>wrong</em> code!</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Are you accusing me!?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>Let's calm down!</em> Let's calm down before we let our emotions get the better of us.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Right… of course.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> We can figure this out.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Right, yes.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Six, you're absolutely sure the part of the code you received was identical to mine?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> You didn't memorize any other code?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes you did? Or did-</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Only one I got! Only one! <em>'Juliet-Whisky-Fuckin-Niner'</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Alright, calm down.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> If you need help, I can call-</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Shut up!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Quiet, Zulu!</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What kind of Overseer calls for help?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> What kind of Overseer can't memorize three digits!?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> So now you're insulting me?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I'm not insulting you-</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Yes you are-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I'm-</p> <p><em>(O5-5 puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles loudly.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Ah!</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What!?</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Let's see if we can reset the password.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What do you mean? Like a facebook account?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Excuse me?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Right, you're a million years old, slipped my mind-</p> <p><em>(The ground suddenly shakes as a 3.2 magnitude earthquake hits the region, then stops.)</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Let's get on it, shall we?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 goes to the computer.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Computer. Reset password.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Confirm Password Reset?</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Warning. Unscheduled Password Reset outside of Shift Change. Unauthorized use of this feature may…</tt></p> <p><em>(O5-5 taps the enter key and space bar several times.)</em></p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>…result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. Password reset can only be done once per shift, and cannot be done again until the end of the following shift. Current user bears all responsibility for violation of protocol during these events, including any property damage, personnel casualties, civilian casualties…</tt></p> <p><em>(Director Kind leans against the wall, drumming his fingers. O5-7 sighs.)</em></p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>…subject casualties, and usage of Foundation resources in cleanup operations and escaped anomalous subjects. Do you agree to these terms?</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Verbal agreement of all Sabre-Team members required.</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Confirmed… Password Reset engaged…</tt></p> <p><em>(O5-5 sighs in relief.)</em></p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Please enter your current password to begin.</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Groans.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>Come on!</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Are there any procedures for a situation like this?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> No, Kind. Believe it or not, one of us fucking up is a little <em>unprecedented</em>.</p> <p><em>(O5-7 crosses her arms.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Maybe for you.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> You're blaming me?</p> <p><em>(O5-7 squints and shrugs.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> I memorized exactly what Three handed to me right before he shot a memory bullet into-</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> That's a good idea!</p> <p><em>(The Overseers look at him. Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> We… call Three?</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> See if he remembers anything?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Excuse me, who is in charge here?</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Um… you?… Ma'am.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Yes. There is a reason we are in the position we're in. Because we're trusted to make the big decisions and make them <em>right</em>.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 nods, looking to Director Kind, then back to her. He leans close to her ear.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Whispering.) I think we should call Three.</em></p> <p><em>(Her eyes drift to O5-6. He stands awkwardly, giving a slight nod. She sighs.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I suppose that's a vote.</p> <p><em>(She takes out her Mobile Overseer Communications Device. Tapping on the screen.)</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> How do I connect to the network here?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Let me have a look.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Just tell me how.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We don't have time for this.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Alright, fine. You're the genius here, after all.</p> <p><em>(She smiles and gives an aggressive nod as she hands him her device.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Gritting his teeth.)</em> Thank you.</p> <p><em>(O5-6 looks through her device, going to the 'networks' section of its settings.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Kind.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Moving off the wall.)</em> Yes, sir?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Internet password?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Don't you mix up this one, now.</p> <p><em>(O5-6 glares at her.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> It's, um…</p> <p><em>(O5-6 stares at him.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> 'Sussus-amongus-hashtag-420'. Uppercase "S", all one word… it was the uh… the tech guy's idea.</p> <p><em>(O5-6, puts the password in. O5-5 looks at Director Kind, slowly shaking his head.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>'Sussus Amongus'</em>? What does that mean?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I'm <em>not</em> having that conversation again. The <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-5761">space station incident</a> was enough of a nightmare.</p> <p><em>(O5-6 nods at him in agreement. He continues looking through the device for O5-3's contact.)</em></p> <p><em>(Silence. Director Kind stands near with his hands in his pockets, bumping his back against the wall.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> So… guess you guys have a lot of contact-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Director, under no circumstances attempt small talk with us again.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Mouthing.) Okay then…</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 finds O5-3's contact on the device and calls him.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Put him on speaker.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Like I need you to tell me that.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I'm just contributing to our job.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Yeah? Well I'm just-</p> <p><em>(O5-3 answers the call.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>"Does the Black Mo-"</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> "Only at twilight."</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>You're supposed to wait for-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We don't have time, Three! It's us!</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Sabre?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes, Three.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>You're supposed to be… have you opened Alpha?</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> We've run into a hurdle.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>A hurdle? I'm in a bunker right now! Half of Moscow just got pulverized-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We don't need the details.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Well what are you doing!?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> So, we mixed up-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>You</em> mixed up.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Fine, I did. Three, do you remember the part of the password you handed to me?</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Is that a serious question?</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>I took a Class-C after my shift. You know that!</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Faint Voice):</strong> <em>Who's there?</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Sabre-Team.</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Faint Voice):</strong> <em>Why are they calling?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Three, who's in there with you?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Four, Eight, Ten, and Eleven. This was the closest shelter when the Melchizedek started.</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 groans. O5-7 wipes her face.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-8):</strong> <em>You got your password wrong?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> Three handed me a paper, I memorized it and burned it. Same stupid thing we do every shift change! Looks like I got the wrong one, whoopsie-me! Can everyone shut up about it!?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-8):</strong> <em>Six, you need to calm down. Your conduct is growing unprofessional-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What I <em>need</em> is to get this goddamn door open!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Six!</p> <p><em>(Commander Miles opens the door to the room, peering inside.)</em></p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> What's happening in here?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Who is that? Is that Daniel?</em></p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> Three?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Okay! Everybody shut up!</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Three, you have an emergency mnestic on you, right?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Yes I do… wait, that's a violation of protocol-</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-10):</strong> <em>An 8.6 just hit the Mid-Atlantic! The east coast is on Tsunami watch!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> We need you to remember what happened, Three!</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-4):</strong> <em>We should call One.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Do <em>not</em> call One!</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>I'm taking the mnestic! But I want on record that I was opposed to this.</em></p> <p><em>(Shuffling sounds over the phone as O5-3 retrieves his mnestic.)</em></p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> You can't just bust it open?</p> <p><em>(Everyone in the room turns to look at him. Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> And how, precisely, do you expect to do that?</p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> <em>(Shrugs.)</em> I could make a hole in it and go from there.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-8):</strong> <em>What is he talking about?</em></p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> Shouldn't be too hard to do.</p> <p><em>(Commander Miles lifts up his assault rifle.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Wait, what?</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>Jesus!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>Miles! Stop!</em></p> <p><em>(Commander Miles fires several rounds at the door. The three Overseers and Director Kind duck as the bullets bounce off the door and ricochet around the room.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-4):</strong> <em>Sabre! What's happening!</em></p> <p><em>(The ricochets stop. One bullet hits Director Kind in the thigh, he stumbles to the ground.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>Fuck!</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-4):</strong> <em>I'm calling One.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>None of you call One!</em></p> <p><em>(O5-7 gets up and paces towards Commander Miles.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> All of you, be quiet! And don't move! Miles, give me that!</p> <p><em>(She grabs the rifle from Commander Miles.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(Nodding to Director Kind.)</em> Go get him a medkit.</p> <p><strong>Commander Miles:</strong> Yes- yes ma'am.</p> <p><em>(Commander Miles leaves. Director Kind has taken off his jacket, and grunts as he wraps it around his injured leg.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Alright then. I suppose we put this to a vote. Do we call One and ask him for help?</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>COUNCIL VOTE SUMMARY:</strong></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>Call O5-1 for Help</strong></p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>YEA</th> <th>NAY</th> <th>ABSTAIN</th> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-3</td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-4</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-5</td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-6</td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-7</td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-8</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-10</td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-11</td> <td></td> </tr> </table> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>STATUS</th> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="color: #780000">DENIED</span></strong></td> </tr> </table> <p><strong>Phone (O5-4):</strong> <em>This is absurd.</em></p> <p><em>(A 5.2 magnitude earthquake strikes the location. The ground shakes violently as the sounds of stressed metal echo from below. The Overseers stay on the ground until the shaking stops.)</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Well we have to do <em>something!</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-10):</strong> <em>You think!? A twenty-meter wave just hit the coast of Portugal!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Three, has your mnestic kicked in yet?</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Yes… oh.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Three?</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>I remember now.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Remember what?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>The end of my shift. I erased the old code, generated the new one, and then…</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>Three!</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>The printer printed out most of the second code before it jammed.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> That must have been mine. I remember it was a little scuffed at the end.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Yeah. It stopped when it was almost out then it said it was out of ink.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> That HP piece of shit! I hate that thing!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Six!</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>It was late and the others had left. I had to turn half the facility upside down to find a cyan cartridge-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Why did you need cyan ink? It was only printing black.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Because it wouldn't print without cyan! When I finally got it to start again it printed out another paper. I put the three papers with the codes into the envelopes and sent them to you.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> But then how did that mix us up?</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Propping himself up on the wall.)</em> You don't get it?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Pardon?</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> The printing process was interrupted, so when it was restarted it printed the second slip again. Three had two pages of the same code and didn't check it before sending them to you.</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Yes… yes. That's the nail on the head.</em></p> <p><em>(Multiple groans are heard in the room and over the phone.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Well then, Three. Seeing as you got us into this mess, how do you suppose we get out?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Let me consult the others.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> By all fuckin' means!</p> <p><em>(Sounds of muttering and chatting on the phone.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Call tech support.</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What?</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-8):</strong> <em>There's no recovering the lost part of the password. You'll have to reset it through tech support.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> All in favor?</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>COUNCIL VOTE SUMMARY:</strong></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>Call Tech Support</strong></p> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>YEA</th> <th>NAY</th> <th>ABSTAIN</th> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-3</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-4</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-5</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-6</td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-7</td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-8</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-10</td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td style="text-align: center;">O5-11</td> </tr> </table> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th>STATUS</th> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="color: #057800">APPROVED</span></strong></td> </tr> </table> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> I want to punch all of you. Bye.</p> <p><strong>Phone (O5-3):</strong> <em>Wait. I want you to know, I apologize for my mistake, and I wish you the best of-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>Bye!</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 disconnects.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Kind, give me your phone.</p> <p><em>(Director Kind is turning pale, slumping against the wall. Blood is leaking through the wrapping around his leg.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> What?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Do you think we're going to use an Overseer Communications Device to call Tech Support?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> That's correct, too many security risks.</p> <p><em>(Director Kind struggles to remove his phone from his pocket. He hands it to O5-6.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Level Four Support is in the contacts.</p> <p><em>(O5-6 finds the contact and calls it.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>Thank you for calling Foundation Level Four Tech Support. Your call is very important to us. Listen carefully as our menu options have changed…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What? I need to talk to someone!</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> You have to let it loop through.</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>For issues with connectivity press ONE. To get information on your system press TWO…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>To resolve security problems press THREE. To hear these options again press-</tt></p> <p><em>(O5-6 repeatedly taps '3'.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>Please wait while we get you in touch with a Foundation Representative… You are number SIX in line…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Groans.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <em>(Plays hold music.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> You guys don't get priority access?</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> No, Kind, normally our <em>assistants</em> are supposed to do the shit work. But we couldn't <em>bring</em> them here!</p> <p><em>(He glares at O5-5.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I proposed that act for good reason! We can't just let them in on everything! These are jobs for only <em>us</em>!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Gentlemen!</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>You are number FIVE in line…</tt></p> <p><em>(A 6.1 magnitude earthquake hits the location. O5-7 is knocked off her feet while O5-5 and O5-6 stumble and struggle to keep balance. The sound of groaning metal is louder. Hold music continues to play over the phone.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>Ow! Sweet lord!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> How long is this going to take!?</p> <p><em>(Director Kind is weakly attempting to wrap more of his clothing around his wounded leg.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Can anyone, um… check on Commander Miles-</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>Thank you for waiting. Your call is very important to us. You are number THREE in line…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Groans.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> How much longer do we have before the Beast wakes up?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I'm not sure. We were supposed to be in that room ten minutes ago.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Thank you. Very helpful.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Yes, helpful! The opposite of what <em>you</em> are.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>Go to hell, Seven!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> The way this is going? I think we'll be there soon!</p> <p><em>(O5-5 puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles again.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Damn it, Five! Stop that!</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>You are number TWO in line…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Someone has to keep order here! Since it seems you two can't-</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>Connecting…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Finally!</p> <p><em>(A static shuffling sound is heard over the phone.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Hello, my name is Shakti from Foundation Tech Support, to whom am I speaking?</em></p> <p><em>(The Overseers look up at each other and make several gestures at each other.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> That's not important.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Unfortunately, sir, we do require proof of employment and rank for security purposes. May I get your name please?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Um… Site Director Zulu Kind is in the room with us.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Can you put him on the phone please?</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 sighs and hands the phone to Director Kind, who is sitting against the wall. He grabs the phone with a trembling hand.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Hel- hello?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Yes, Site Director Kind, can you give me your Foundation ID number please?</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Uh… yeah… hang- hang on.</p> <p><em>(Director Kind grabs his Foundation badge and lifts it up with his shaking hand. He spends the next minute slowly reading out his ID number.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>ID is verified, thank you sir.</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> I'll hand the uh… phone back to the- the others. They're um… trusted employees.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Alright, sir. Have a good day.</em></p> <p><em>(Director Kind lifts up the phone. O5-6 snatches it.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Now before we begin you must know this call may be recorded for training purposes.</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 looks to O5-7, she shakes her head.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Let's forgo that.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Eh, I'm sorry sir, but it is Foundation policy that each call be recorded and cataloged-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Interrupting.)</em> Well I'm telling you to make an exception-</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> For god's sake! <em>Yes! We're fine with it!</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 looks at him with disdain.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Eh, yes, okay. How may I help you then?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We need to reset a password within Site-21.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Site-21, yes… (Keyboard tapping.) Let's see… Which PC?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Chamber Alpha Access Computer.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Chamber Alpha… (Keyboard tapping.) That PC appears to be Level 5 security clearance, Overseer Access only.</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 rubs his face. O5-5 looks to O5-7.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Whispering.)</em> We have to tell him.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(Whispering.)</em> You tell him, then.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Are you still there, sir?</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 sighs and grumbles something inaudible. He grabs the phone from O5-6.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> This is O5-5, current Sabre-Team member. I am ordering you to reset this password.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Oh, oh yes, um… (Keyboard tapping.) I believe I need to verify your ID as well.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> Unfortunately, our ID's are not included in the system. Security thing, you know?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Unfortunately, sir, it would be an unacceptable risk to the organization to allow you to-</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 snatches the phone from O5-5.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Listen to me! Those earthquakes and tsunamis happening all over the world? That's because of us! We can't stop it because we can't get into Chamber Alpha! We can't get into Chamber Alpha because we don't have the password! <em>Now do your fucking job and help us reset it!</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Shakti):</strong> <em>Sir, I am going to have to ask you to please calm down! We have never had an Overseer call Foundation Support, so we do not currently have any procedures in place. I will have to transfer you to my supervisor.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Wait-</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <em>(Hold music.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Damn it!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> So this is how the world ends?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I am <em>not</em> going to die while waiting on tech support!</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> I would also… hate that… do any of you have an asprin?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> No. Where is Miles!?</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <tt>Connecting…</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Which pajeet are we getting now?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> What the hell is wrong with you?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Supervisor):</strong> <em>Pardon me?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Hello?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Supervisor):</strong> <em>What did you call me?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Nothing.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Supervisor):</strong> <em>Sir, I'll have you know my name is Amjad and the environment we cultivate is one of respect! I'll have to ask you to-</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>I'll</em> have you know I'm O5-fuckin'-Six and I don't-</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Shut up!</p> <p><em>(O5-5 yanks the phone from O5-6's hand.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I'm sorry, Mr. Amjad, for my associate's unacceptable behavior. But we are in a rush, and would appreciate your assistance.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Yes, I will be happy to provide. But first I demand an apology for your friend's insult!</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 and O5-7 look to O5-6.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What!? The fate of the world is at stake!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes! So are you going to do it?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> Just do it, Six.</p> <p><em>(O5-6 balls his fists and grits his teeth.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> I apologize, Amjad, for the earlier comment. It was wrong and uncalled for.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Thank you.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Whispering.) Now I</em> want <em>the world to end…</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> So! Back to business.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Yes, yes. You called about resetting a password, correct?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Chamber Alpha access, Site-21.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> And please hurry! It will be the end of the world if we can't get access.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Of course, of course.</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>(Muttering in Hindi.) You're only the fifth person to tell me that today…</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>(Keyboard tapping.) Ah, here we go… do-do-do… Level 5 security clearance. Hm, that will make things difficult.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Can you do it?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Yes, I believe so. Though you must follow my instructions carefully. First, I will need an email address.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Alright, but you'll need a pen for this, and listen <em>very</em> close. It's One-G-</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Hold on! Hold on, sir, I am still looking for a pen…</em></p> <p><em>(Silence. O5-6 shakes his head.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Okay, ready. Go ahead, sir.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> It's One-G-W-Q-V-Three-E-Q-P-X-Zero-you'll want to put a cross through the zero-D-V-Two-Y at scp-dot-net.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Yes, okay. I have <span class="wiki-email">ten.pcs\|y2vd0zpqe3vqwg1#ten.pcs\|y2vd0zpqe3vqwg1</span>.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> That's right, the numbers should add up to five.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Okay… (Keyboard tapping.) I am sending an encoded password reset function to your email. You must open it on the computer that you wish to reset.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We can't get <em>into</em> that goddam computer! That's why we're here!</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>I believe there is a way, let's see… do-do-do… Ah, your system uses Windows 10, yes. You simply need to switch to administrator mode and make a new windows profile with your Microsoft account.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>I'll</em> be doing that.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Excuse me? Why!?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Because Five won't get anywhere typing with a phone in one hand. And frankly I don't trust <em>you</em> to not make a mess.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> You are, by far, the worst person for-</p> <p><em>(A 6.7 magnitude earthquake hits the location. Groaning metal is heard below.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Just get on it!</p> <p><em>(O5-7 stumbles to the computer.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Computer. Activate… what was it?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Administrator mode!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Activate Administrator mode.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Director Identification Required. Submit Retinal Scan.</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Overseer override.</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Unknown Command. Please consult your Level 3 handbook for a list of Command Phrases.</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Oh dear <em>lord!</em> Kind! Get up!</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Groaning.) Can't…</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 strides to Director Kind and grabs him by the chest. He lifts him up to the computer and pushes his head up to the scanner.)</em></p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> Ah! Stop it!</p> <p><strong>Access Computer:</strong> <tt>Retinal Scan accepted. Welcome, Director Kind. Activating Administrator mode.</tt></p> <p><em>(O5-6 drops Director Kind against the wall. Further groans of pain are heard.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Sir? Is everything okay?</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes. We have it in Administrator Mode, what now?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>You must make a new windows profile with your Microsoft account.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Do either of you have a Microsoft account?</p> <p><em>(O5-6 and O5-7 exchange looks.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Overseers aren't supposed to use non-Foundation devices! You know as well as I do that none of us have touched a civilian operating system in years!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Well someone has to…</p> <p><em>(O5-5 looks down to Director Kind, slumping against the wall. O5-6 and O5-7 follow his gaze and come to the same conclusion.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Kind, you're Level 4 and under forty. What's your login?</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Weakly.) I… can't…</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Let me help you.</p> <p><em>(O5-7 reaches into a small pack on her belt. She pulls out a syringe, and jabs it into Director Kind's chest. His eyes fly open as he goes into a coughing fit.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> That better?</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Coughing.)</em> What… the <em>fuck!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Get up. <em>Now.</em> Before the adrenaline wears off and Six has to drag you back up.</p> <p><em>(Director Kind struggles to get up and limp to the computer. He begins making a new profile.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(Tapping his wrist.) Tik-tok</em>, comon!</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Muttering.) Asshole.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> That's where I'm going to stick that needle if you don't hurry up!</p> <p><em>(Director Kind finishes inputting the information. He clicks 'Create Profile' just before slumping back down to his knees and crawling to the wall.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(Stepping back to the keyboard.)</em> Thank you, Kind.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Groans.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What now?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> There's a bunch of dots moving in a circle. <em>(She clicks the mouse.)</em> I can't do anything.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>Don't</em> do anything. Let it load a minute.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Minutes are diamonds slipping through our fingers here!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>Just let it load a minute!</em></p> <p><em>(The computer finishes setting up the profile. Another screen appears.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Here we are… <em>(She leans in and squints.) "Do you want to upgrade to Windows 11 for free?"</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Tell it no.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I don't see an option for <em>no</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> What?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> There's only <em>"Upgrade Now"</em> or <em>"Schedule Upgrade"</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> We're not upgrading anything!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> How do I skip this!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Look in the bottom corner!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> What do you… Oh. <em>"Decline Upgrade"</em> Yes.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> How were we supposed to notice that button? It basically blends into the-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>"You're missing out. Windows 11 is fast, free-"</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Oh my <em>god</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>"No thanks. I'll stick with Windows 10."</em> Yes.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Stupid.</p> <p><em>(O5-7 declines the upgrade a second time. The computer loads up a fresh desktop.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Okay, what do I do now?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> It's-</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Wait. Something's coming up…</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Seriously?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>"Activate Microsoft 365 Subscription-"</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>Decline. Decline. Decline!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Will you quit napping at me! How do I close this? It's the 'X' in the corner, right?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes, that closes it.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Got it. Now I can- No, some blue box just came up… <em>"We've got an update for you. Restart now or click OK to wait for your scheduled update at-"</em></p> <p><em>(O5-6 grabs the mouse and clicks 'OK'.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Hey! That looked important!</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>'Diamonds slipping through our fingers!'</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Fine. Now there's something else about an <em>"HP warranty-"</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>No! No! Keep clicking no! Whatever it is, whatever pops up! Click no!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> You need to get on the internet, Seven.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Which one is the internet?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Open internet explorer.</p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> The globe with the yellow stripe.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I don't see that on here.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> <em>(Groaning.)</em> Edge… Microsoft Edge…</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Here it is.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>(To Five.)</em> When was the last time you used an actual desktop?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Not long ago… 1998 maybe?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> It's open. It's on something called <em>'msn.com'</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Go in the search bar. The white box in the middle.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Yeah I see it, it's- Something just covered it up. <em>"What are you interested in? Pick 1 topic to advance."</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> I'm interested in grabbing a sledgehammer.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Kind! Tell me how to use this! This… Microsoft Edge.</p> <p><strong>Director Kind:</strong> I don't know-<em>(coughs)</em> I just use it to… download Chrome…</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Download chrome? The color?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> It's not a color and it's not relevant. What are you on?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> It's just showing me news stories about the earthquakes. And other things…</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Jesus Christ.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>"10 Movies from the 60s You Need to Watch Now!"</em> Hmm…</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>Seven!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Just tell me what to do!</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Amjad? Are you still there?</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <em>(Muffled voices are heard speaking Hindi, followed by faint chuckles.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Amjad!</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>(Bumps and shuffling.) Yes! Yes sir! I am here.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> How do we access the Foundation network?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>You do not know? (Muffled laugher in the background.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> No, Overseers are given our own setups that are preprogrammed and connected to every- Is somebody there with you?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>No no. Only me. Now you must access a Foundation front website to enter the network.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>(Muttering.) First time in my fifty-two years on the council that I've felt like a dunce.</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Let me have a look… do-do-do… ah, look up 'Spare Capital Pennies News' and go on their website.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Right, I'll use Google, I've heard of that.</p> <p><em>(O5-7 clicks the top bar and types "Google".)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> You don't have to-</p> <p><em>(Bing's search results come up. She clicks 'Google' and is taken to Google.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> Okay…</p> <p><em>(O5-7 proceeds to type "Google search for 'Spare Capital Pennies News' website." into the search bar and clicks the 'search' button.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Even I know I'm watching a caveman-</p> <p><em>(A 7.4 magnitude earthquake hits the region. The Three Overseers grab what they can in an effort to keep steady. Director Kind falls over on the floor, groaning in pain. Sounds of structural stress echo through the halls.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>God dammit! We get it!</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> This is taking too long, Seven!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I'm working as quick as I can! I'm on another page now. There's a list of things, the first is <em>'Capital Pens'</em>, then <em>'NBC News and updates'</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>'Sponsored Content'</em>? Like, an advertisement?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Click whichever one says <em>'Spare Capital Pennies News'</em>.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I found it. <em>(She clicks the link.)</em> I'm on the website now.</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> We're on the website, Amjad.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>'Accept Cookies'</em>? How does a computer make me cookies?</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Okay, log into the website with your Foundation credentials. It will then redirect you into the Foundation network.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Where's the- woah, woah, everything just got darker and it's not letting me click anything on the website. A white box just appeared.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Is a Lazarus Procedure off the table yet?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> We're not resorting to 2000… yet.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> <em>'Enter your email to receive the latest updates-"</em> I don't want to- how do I make this go away?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> There's an 'X' in the corner.</p> <p><em>(O5-7 tries to click the 'X' button, though its small size makes it difficult. She finally closes it.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Now click the 'login' button at the top.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> I see it.</p> <p><em>(O5-7 goes to click the login button, but instead clicks a banner advertisement just as it appears.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Woah! What happened? What's it doing now?</p> <p><strong>Computer:</strong> <tt>Congratulations! You are our 1,000,000th visitor! Click now to claim your cash prize!</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> What is this? How do I go back!?</p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <em>(More muffled laughter can be heard.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>This</em> is the internet!? How do people use this fucking thing every day-</p> <p><em>(An 8.1 magnitude earthquake hits the region. Loud crashing noises are heard outside as the Overseers stumble about. A deep and booming voice can be heard chanting far below.)</em></p> <p><strong>Voice:</strong> <em>(Speaking in a form of Proto-Daevite.) Cycle… [positive/yes]… again…</em></p> <p><strong>Computer:</strong> <tt>Time is running out! Enter your credit card number to redeem your cash prize!</tt></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Go back!</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> How!?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Oh my <em>god!</em> Get out of the fucking way!</p> <p><em>(O5-5 stumbles forward and pushes O5-7 away from the keyboard. He shoves his phone into O5-6's hand and grabs hold of the computer as the shaking slows and stope.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> I don't want to hear another word out of either of you! Not <em>you!</em> Not <em>you!</em> Not…</p> <p><em>(He looks down to Director Kind. Who is lying on the ground, unresponsive.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Taking a deep breath.)</em> Login. Open the email. And click the link. A simple three-step process. Watch and learn.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 presses the 'back' button, taking him back to the news site. He attempts to click the login button but is stopped when the email signup box appears. He closes it, and goes to the login button again, on the way closing another side popup asking for donations. He moves the mouse over the login button. A banner advertisement for an AI Girlfriend appears. He waits through a five-second timer, then closes it, making sure to carefully hit the center of the 'X' button. Successfully clicking the login button, he is prompted to enter his credentials. He enters his Foundation credentials and presses the 'enter' key. After another minute of clicking images with motorcycles and solving small puzzles he is let into his Foundation email.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>'A simple three-step process.'</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>(Sighs.)</em> Cheers, internet, may I never have to use you again.</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Cheers to that.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 opens his email page. He scrolls through several alarmed messages from other O5 members dated to the last half hour.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Where is it?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> It should be from tech support, right?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>Amjad?</em></p> <p><em>(Sounds of muttering and shuffling are heard over the phone.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Yes sir, I am here.</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Now that you and your friends have had your laugh at us, do me the pleasure of taking us off speaker and tell me where my password reset email is.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>(Chuckling.) Have you checked your junk folder?</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 grabs the phone.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> <em>Quit fucking with me!</em> You've had your fun, listening to us flop around like imbeciles while millions around the world pay with their lives! The funny time is over, and when we get this thing contained the first thing I'm going to do is send Alpha-1 to rip you from your little cubicles and force Class-C's down your throat until every second of today's events is thoroughly expunged from living memory! But that's <em>only</em> if you give me my email in the next sixty seconds! Otherwise you'll be looking at all that and an orange jumpsuit right before I feed you and your family to our eternal lizard as a treat! <em>Where. Is. My. Email!?</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Can you check your junk folder please, sir?</em></p> <p><em>(Silence.)</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 clicks on his email's junk folder. He scrolls over a long list of unopened Ethics Committee messages and reaches the end. The most recent message is from Tech Support.)</em></p> <p><em>(Silence. O5-5 lets out a long sigh.)</em></p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>Have I answered your questions in a timely and satisfactory manner?</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 looks to O5-6, then to O5-7.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes, Amjad. You have.</p> <p><strong>Phone (Amjad):</strong> <em>I am very glad to hear that. Thank you, O5-5, for calling Foundation Tech Support and if you are ever in need of assistance in preventing another apocalypse in the future please do not be afraid to call us again. Right everybody?</em></p> <p><strong>Phone:</strong> <em>(Sounds of laughter and affirmation erupt from a multitude of different voices in the background.)</em></p> <p><em>(O5-5 disconnects the call, tossing the phone over his shoulder. He takes a deep breath. The ground begins to shake again.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Drinks on me tonight.</p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> Stir some Class-A into mine.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 opens the email, and clicks the download button. A window appears prompting him to run the password reset program. He enters his Overseer identification information and runs the program. The ground shakes more violently.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> What should our new password be?</p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Sure, why not.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 enters the new password into the box. Cracks appear in the ceiling as small pieces of concrete fall to the floor. The Site comes under immense structural stress. A SCP-2800-J hatching event is imminent.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-7:</strong> Is everything ready?</p> <p><strong>O5-5:</strong> Yes. Let's reset this password and save the world.</p> <p><em>(O5-5 moves his mouse over the 'Reset Password' button. The screen suddenly changes, casting a bright blue light into the crumbling room.)</em></p> <p><strong>O5-6:</strong> <em>Oh fuck me.</em></p> <p><em>(Recording ends as the facility's power system goes offline. Complete structural failure occurs minutes later.)</em></p> <hr/> <blockquote> <p>The following image was recovered by Project Lazarus personnel in the ruins of Site-21's data center while investigating the cause of the recent XK-Class Event. It is believed to be a routine screenshot of Chamber Alpha's Access Computer seconds before the awakening of SCP-2800-J and subsequent XK-Class End-of-the-World Scenario.</p> </blockquote> </div> <br/> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><span style="font-size: 150%; font-weight: bold;"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ OPEN ATTACHMENT +</a></span></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><span style="font-size: 150%; font-weight: bold;"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- CLOSE ATTACHMENT -</a></span></div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2800-j">SCP-2800-J</a>" by Reasonably Psychotic, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2800-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2800-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> CorkBottle.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> jimbowen0306<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://openverse.org/image/d00746d4-3801-4f72-a52a-cfa91365501d?q=outcrop">Openverse</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> CorkBottle.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> NASA<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Farallon_Plate.jpg">Wikipedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> Glyph.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> J. Q. Jacobs<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY SA 2.5<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Petroglyph_jqjacobs.jpg">Wikipedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> Beta.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Watertown Arsenal<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Man_operating_large_machine_-_DPLA_-_e1ab6f325836b6766e5056cc9cdd5bd4.jpg">Wikipedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> LosAngeles.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Bain News Service<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Los_Angeles_Earthquake_LCCN2014711174.jpg">Wikipedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. With the exception of O5-1.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2845-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><iframe src="//interwiki.scpwiki.com/styleFrame.html?priority=1&theme=https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--code/theme:ad-abyssum/1&css={$css}" style="display: none"></iframe></p> <div class="blockquote"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2 id="toc0"><span>Incident Log 2845-J-1</span></h2> </div> <hr/> <p><strong>Context:</strong> Junior Researchers Salam Narjeen and Ariadne Cooper are en route to Area 63 in Rural West Virginia, driving in an unmarked Foundation vehicle with Narjeen at the wheel. GPS tracking shows them approximately 11 miles away from their destination, and the vehicle's sensors detect them speeding at 70 MPH in a 25MPH zone.</p> <hr/> <blockquote><img alt="zoom" class="image" src="https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/deer-god/zoom"/> <p>SCP-2845-J as seen on dashcam footage.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong><BEGIN LOG></strong></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> You might want to ease up on the accelerator.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Road are clear, and I-Uh- Would rather get back quicker.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Are you okay? I can drive the rest of the way, if you want.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> No no! I’m fine! Uh, let me just check something-</p> <p><em>Narjeen grabs her phone off the dashboard.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Salam, not while you’re driving, deer-</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Hang on—</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Deer—</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Yes, love?</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Deer— DEER!</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Why are you calling me—</p> <p><em>A deer scurries in front of the vehicle. Narjeen, distracted, catches the animal on the bumper, launching it approximately 20 feet forward. She brakes and swerves.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> FUCK-</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Are you alright?</p> <p><em>Narjeen stays silent. Cooper exits the car and approaches the deer. With significant effort, she pulls the carcass to the side of the road. Returning to the car door, she leans in through the passenger window.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Salam? You okay?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Yeah… Yeah, I’m sorry. That was stupid of me.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> It's okay, let’s just get back to the site.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Listen, can you promise me you won’t tell anyone about this? I’m already knee-deep in reprimands for my driving, and I can’t—</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> The car is dented.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> It's barely noticeable!</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Hang on, where's the-</p> <p><em>Her gaze is drawn to where she had pushed the carcass.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Where’s the deer?</p> <p><em>A knock comes from the driver-side door. The deer peers through the window, eliciting a shriek from Narjeen.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Hi— Um—</p> <p><em>Narjeen shrieks again.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Can you-</p> <p><em>The entity, hereby designated SCP-2845-J, is hit over the head by Junior Researcher Cooper using her cane. A second strikes knocks it to the ground.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Stop! Stop! You win!</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J lays on the ground, cradling one of its hind feet and sniffling. The bottom of the leg is wound in a tight cast.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were—</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> A living being? A fellow creature of Earth? Someone with their own life and existence? Dreams and hopes?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Something like that.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You broke my foot! Then you pushed my body aside like it was some sort of trash! How am I supposed to live like this? How am I- I—</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J grows teary-eyed and wipes its eyes with a hoof. Narjeen and Cooper exchange looks.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Are you okay?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> If-If I can’t use my deer leg, I’m not going to be able to do my deer duties! How will I support my deer son after my deer wife took him in our deervorce? I don’t even have a place to stay right now, and-</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J buries his face into his hooves.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Oh, Ari- Look at him! We can’t leave like this! We should take him with us.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> It's a talking deer, Salam. We should call a containment unit, because that's kind of what we're supposed to do.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I mean, he seems harmless enough?</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> <em>I’m sorry?</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I did this to him. It’s only right we help him get back on his feet.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> This is so out of line…</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Besides, if someone finds out I hit a deer, they'd probably make you do all the driving.</p> <p><em>Cooper stares at the deer, dumbfounded.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> If anyone finds out—</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> They won't. Thank you Ari! I promise I’ll do this right.</p> <p><em>She opens the car door and ushers SCP-2845-J into the back seat. Its antlers catch on the roof, causing a loud screech. Cooper sighs again.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Dear god.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> That’s me.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> You’re a god?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Something like that.</p> <p><END LOG></p> </div> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:WIDTH-GOES-HERE;"><img alt="640px-Female_Sambar_Deer_in_Sri_Lanka.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b8/Female_Sambar_Deer_in_Sri_Lanka.jpg/640px-Female_Sambar_Deer_in_Sri_Lanka.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2845-J confronting Junior Researcher Cooper and Narjeen upon initial contact.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item Number:</strong> SCP-2845-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Roommate</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2845-J is currently housed within the personal travel quarters of Junior Researchers Ariadne Cooper and Salam Narjeen at Area 63. The entity must remain concealed from all other personnel, and access to the quarters is restricted to Cooper and Narjeen exclusively. SCP-2845-J is permitted to utilize the couch in the communal area for sleeping and has unrestricted access to the adjoining kitchenette and restroom.</p> <p>In return, SCP-2845-J has agreed to take on a share of household responsibilities, primarily pertaining to tidying the living area. This includes ensuring that any mess generated by the entity is promptly removed.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2845-J designates a male white-tailed deer (Odocoileus virginianus) of indeterminate age. Physically, SCP-2845-J has demonstrated no anomalous traits apart from its ability to communicate verbally in English and its humanoid-level intelligence. SCP-2845-J shows an increased level of emotional sensitivity and anthropomorphic thought; it will often bring up such subjects as feelings of distress, loneliness, and existential uncertainty, along with a substantial desire for companionship and stability.</p> <p>The entity also claims to possess additional anomalous abilities related to the forests and climate of Northern West Virginia, further asserting that they were provided to it as part of its "deer job," but has not physically demonstrated these properties.</p> <div class="blockquote"> <p><BEGIN LOG></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Okay, I’ve checked us in.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Sounds lovely! Though you didn’t tell anyone about our deer friend, right? Or the car? Speaking of which, have you seen-</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J walks out of Narjeen’s bedroom wearing a hijab draped over its antlers. The junior researchers stare at it.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Your clothes!</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> My my, this is endeering.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Should I have taken some of the other one's clothes instead?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> No no, don’t mess with Ari’s stuff.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> I need a shower. Please don't do anything stupid while I'm gone. And yes, please don't touch my stuff.</p> <p><em>Cooper promptly exits. Narjeen and SCP-2845-J stare at the door, then back to each other.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Why do you wear this cloth over your head, and that one doesn’t?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Oh this? It’s a hijab. Ari and I have different faiths, and we wear different things to demonstrate that faith. For me, it's a symbol of—</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You both have <em>different</em> gods?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> That’s a bit complicated. Some say he’s the same god, others say he’s different. It depends who you ask.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You’re telling me some gods get <em>multiple</em> religions?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Again that’s a whole other conversation, but either way, Ari and I respect each other, work together, are friends, all that good stuff.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You have a lucky god. I wish <em>I</em> could have a religion.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> A religion?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> I’m <em>a</em> god of nature. Not <em>the</em> god. And, well, people don’t respect the “one of many” tag that comes with that title.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Well, if you are a god, I think that’s very rude of them.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Really?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Yeah. You seem like you'd be a great god! Their loss if they don't see that.</p> <p><END LOG></p> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:WIDTH-GOES-HERE;"><img alt="640px-The_story_of_Doctor_Dolittle%2C_being_the_history_of_his_peculiar_life_at_home_and_astonishing_adventures_in_foreign_parts_%281920%29_%2814566227128%29.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a4/The_story_of_Doctor_Dolittle%2C_being_the_history_of_his_peculiar_life_at_home_and_astonishing_adventures_in_foreign_parts_%281920%29_%2814566227128%29.jpg/640px-The_story_of_Doctor_Dolittle%2C_being_the_history_of_his_peculiar_life_at_home_and_astonishing_adventures_in_foreign_parts_%281920%29_%2814566227128%29.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2845-J and "Jane Doe" aboard Noah's ark.</p> </div> </div> <p>SCP-2845-J claims to have spent several weeks with “a guy who had a lot of carrots, and a boatload of other animals. Literally, [they] were on a boat”. The entity also cites that one of his ex-mates was aboard. They had several quarrels during their “cruise”, after which they broke up. SCP-2845-J claims to "barely remember her at all," including her name.</p> <hr/> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> <em>Junior Researcher Cooper and SCP-2845-J sit at the dining table. Cooper eats an omelet, while SCP-2845-J licks moss off a piece of bread.</em></p> <p><BEGIN LOG></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> So you said you had a deer son and a deer wife?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Deer ex-wife, but yes.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Can I ask why you two, uh, separated?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You can’t just go around asking personal questions like that!</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Sorry, let’s just m—</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Three seasons of holy matrimony, a fawn, and then she leaves me mid-rut for a stag with bigger antlers! Antlers! Almost a year of being together, and that’s still all that matters to her? <em>Antlers?</em></p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J bangs a hoof on the table.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Moving on, you said you were trying to figure out a place to stay? How long do you think it’ll take for you to find a new place?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> At least until everything is healed.</p> <p><em>The deer gestures to its injuries: a leg cast, neck brace, and a forehoof sling.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Which is how long again? Bear in mind that-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> No! I refuse to let my divinity even think of such <em>devilish</em> creatures.</p> <p><em>Cooper sighs deeply.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Look here, you seem like a smart lady, and I think you know better than to get involved in divine affairs. So don't worry your pretty corporeal head about it.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> It is literally my job to-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Anyways, I appreciate y’all. You really know how to treat a god. Really makes a fella feel like he’s on top.</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J licks its plate before prancing back to the couch.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Do the dishes at least?</p> <p><END LOG></p> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-left" style="width:320px;"><img alt="640px-Santa_Claus_and_reindeer_%281922%29.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f9/Santa_Claus_and_reindeer_%281922%29.jpg/640px-Santa_Claus_and_reindeer_%281922%29.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>circa 1922</p> </div> </div> <p>-<br/> SCP-2845-J claims to once have pulled Santa Claus’ sleigh across Ritchie County, West Virginia in 1922 after a snowstorm caused the reindeer team to get pneumonia. The story was recounted in great detail, with emphasis on the end when SCP-2845-J returned home to find his “hartlot wife sharing a bed with Prancer”.<br/> -</p> <hr/> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> <em>Narjeen and SCP-2845-J watch a wildlife documentary. Narjeen has a bucket of popcorn in her lap, and alternates between feeding herself and SCP-2845-J. Junior Researcher Cooper enters the room and stares at them for several seconds.</em></p> <p><BEGIN LOG></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Salam? A word?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Oh! Right.</p> <p><em>Narjeen places the popcorn in SCP-2845-J’s lap and exits the room to join Cooper.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> I think we need to ask SCP-2845-J to hoof it.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> What? He can’t take care of himself! He’s still hobbling around in a cast!</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Dude isn’t even trying to sort himself out. Haven’t you noticed how he clings to you? Has you fawning over him every second of the day?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I mean…</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Just talk to him about it.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Alright. Alright, I’ll try.</p> <p><em>Narjeen reopens the door to find the popcorn spilled all over the ground. Footage of a grazing doe is playing on the screen. SCP-2845-J is no longer on the couch, and instead has mounted the TV.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> OH GROSS-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> I think the TV looks better hanging from the wall instead of on the stand, but if you want, I’ll change it back.</p> <p><END LOG></p> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:100;"><img alt="NOTDEERSEX.png" class="image" src="https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/deer-god/NOTDEERSEX.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2845-J with an unknown female, circa 1982</p> </div> </div> <p>SCP-2845-J claims that it hit a financial rough spot in the 1970s-1980s, and performed in several compromising films under the stagename “Buckshot”. The entity provided limited details aside from this admittance, but analysis of several allegedly “staged” nature documentaries included the appearance of a stag with SCP-2845-J’s likeness.</p> <hr/> <div class="blockquote"> <p><BEGIN LOG></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> So, my deer friend, you’ve been here a while…</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Yes.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> And you’re a fun! We’ve made some nice memories!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> I know, I’m great.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> But I think- uh-</p> <p><em>Cooper kicks Narjeen under the table.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I <em>think</em> you need to take on more chores. Like uh…</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> How about washing? Doing the dishes or the laundry?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> I don’t think that’s very fair to put me through, seeing as I have been forbidden from wearing clothes or eating off your plates.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> We didn’t forbid- I mean, fair, actually.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> How about vacuuming, then? You <em>do</em> leave quite a bit of hair around the place.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You mean that loud monster that eats everything that goes under it? I don’t think even a great nature god such as I could tame such a beast.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Would you at least mind tidying up some of the physical space here? Not to point fingers, but the living room has gotten fairly cluttered after you moved in.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Listen, ladies, I don’t think you understand. Gods aren’t meant to do chores and menial work. That’s what we have followers and religions for.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Still, you are living here, and you did agree to help out while you’re here.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You’re saying you’re going back on acknowledging me as a god?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I mean yes, you are a god, and I’m sure you’re a great one- but right now we see you as more of a roommate than someone I’d worship, y’know?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> So you’d rather worship a god you’ve never met than one standing in your own living room? Sounds like you're mad at the wrong god.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> At least my god doesn’t talk down to me, or come into my room, make a mess, and then never clean shit up!</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Your god doesn’t even talk to you!</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> He does! In his own way!</p> <p><em>She shifts in her seat uncomfortably.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> And even if it were true, after dealing with you? I think I prefer my gods being quiet! At least then I don't know they don't give a shit about me, unlike with <em>you.</em></p> <p><em>She looks away, tears threatening to fall. Cooper glares at the entity.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Trust me, you’re not the first god or deity who’s tried converting us, and while I’m flattered, this is frankly why we make it a point to separate personal beliefs from work at the Foundation where and when it’s necessary.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You humans are such assholes when it comes to that. You’d rather beg some god you’ve probably never even <em>met</em> to fix all your problems than the one offering to let you serve him directly. You’re all the same! Just absolute morons, never even giving the nice gods a chance.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> We’re asking you to solve the problems that you’re causing. You should at least do some fucking chores before asking us to dedicate our lives to you?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Look, I’m sure you’re plenty nice as a god, and you’ll find those followers when you’re ready. But those followers aren’t us, and, well-</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Ladies, I'm done here. You did this to me. You're responsible for me until I feel better.</p> <p><em>The entity clambers out of the chair and returns to the living room.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I made a mistake. You were right, Ari. You’re always right about these things.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> “Always” is a bit of a stretch…</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I can’t believe he thought we’d just switch religions for him! You think all gods are that entitled?</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Probably not, but you were also just trying to help. Don't be hard on yourself.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I don't know if I want him around anymore.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Don’t worry. I have someone in mind who can take care of this.</p> <p><END LOG></p> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-left" style="width:320px;"><img alt="deer%20god.png" class="image" src="https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/deer-god/deer%20god.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-2845-J's commissioned portrait</p> </div> </div> <p>-<br/> -<br/> SCP-2845-J claims it received an “extraordinary business opportunity” in the 1990s to utilize its skills as an immortal deer to achieve godhood on a local level, an opportunity unherd of in its several-thousand year career. SCP-2845-J made several preparations for this role, including commissioning a deific portrait of himself and remarrying to the daughter of a particularly powerful stag (rumored to have ties with the hunting industry).</p> <p>However, after he failed to gain a religious following he’d desired, SCP-2845-J was demoted to a more menial role in wildlife and forest management, instead of the powerful “deer overlord” position it had previously craved,<br/> -<br/> -<br/> -</p> <hr/> <div class="blockquote"> <p><strong>Foreword:</strong> <em>Junior Researcher Ariadne Cooper and Dr. Faran Caraway sit across from SCP-2845-J. Junior Researcher Salam Narjeen watches from the doorway.</em></p> <p><BEGIN LOG></p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> Thank you all for having me, my deer friends. As you might know, I’m from a Foundation facility that specializes in folks like yourself. Or-</p> <p><em>He gestures to his horns and tail.</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> Ourselves, I should say.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You’re a god too?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> Not myself, no. But some of the most incredible people I’ve ever met just so happen to be. I do my part to make sure their needs are attended to.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Free food, free shelter, everything tailored to your specific interests and needs.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> So you’re what? Shipping me off to a homeless shelter? Some sort of social welfare program?</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Yes, actually.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> You'd <em>dare</em> remove yourself from the service of a god?</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Salam and I have made it plenty clear that we aren’t members of your religion. We aren’t able to take care of you any longer, but I’m offering you someone who can. Take it or leave it, that’s up to you, but staying here isn’t an option.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> Let me put it this way: We’re prepared to offer your own chambers without rent, three square meals a day, and almost anything you need for your survival or entertainment— within reason, of course.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Sounds like charity work.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> “Charity work” like what we’ve been doing for you?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> That was different. You weren’t taking care of me because you felt bad for me. You were <em>worshipping</em> me.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Do you even need worship or do you just like having other people stroking your ego?</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> I’m a god! God needs worship!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> —and that’s one of our goals here, your greatness. Making sure gods like you get the respect and sustenance they deserve.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> So you have followers to worship me? Legions for me to command? Faithful servants to tend to my needs, like these two have failed to do?</p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> We have researchers to take care of you, AICs to help you with what you need, and uh, fairly everyone is kind and willing to help you with what you need.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> So you’re saying everyone is willing to worship me?</p> <p><em>From the doorway, Narjeen sneers.</em></p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> If someone “being nice” is your definition of worshiping, then yeah.</p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Then by all means, servant- take me to my chambers! And rid the land of these two while you’re at it, for filling my wonderful realm with such heresy.</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J gallavants through the doorway, pushing Narjeen to the ground, and prances into the hall. Cooper and Caraway follow close behind, with the former helping Narjeen to her feet.</em></p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Thank you <em>so much</em> Faran.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> I think both our departments understand how difficult some gods can be. I’m glad I could help.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Sorry to have made you come all the way out here.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Caraway:</strong> Site-58 already has a colorful bunch. I’m certain after some time to acclimate, he’ll be a wonderful addition.</p> <p><em>Sudden shouts are heard from outside. The remaining personnel look out a window overlooking the parking lot, where a containment transport vehicle had been set up for SCP-2845-J.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Move, servants! I shall lead my own caravans to victory!</p> <p><em>SCP-2845-J opens the driver’s door of the van, and tosses the chauffeur out with its antlers. Before it can climb in, the vehicle starts rolling away. SCP-2845-J bellows, and runs in front of the vehicle to stop it, but proves unable to. He is run over by a vehicle for a second time.</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-2845-J:</strong> Not again!</p> <p><END LOG></p> </div> <div style="text-align: center;"> <hr/> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">View Additional File?</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">– hide block</a></div> <br/> <div style="text-align: left;"> <div class="blockquote"> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:100;"><img alt="640px-Living_room_%284102748829%29.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/42/Living_room_%284102748829%29.jpg/640px-Living_room_%284102748829%29.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Narjeen and Cooper's living room, cleaned after SCP-2845-J's visit</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Cooper?</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Yeah?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Sorry again for all the trouble.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> It's fine. These things happen, and I've got your back this time— but that might not always be possible.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I understand. I'll be more car-ful next time.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Good to hear.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> Didn't mean for you to have to rein me in.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Hah-</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I know it was a lot of <em>bull</em> for you to deal with. It really was a big <em>moosetake</em> on my part and I want you to know I <em>r-egret</em> it a lot.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> That last one wasn't even deer- related.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> You must be fur-ious with me.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Did that <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-7689">Dead Horse bar</a> we went to do something to you?</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> No, I just have a stag-geringly large number of deer puns in mind.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Alright, pack it up.</p> <p><strong>Narjeen:</strong> I'll doe my best.</p> <p><strong>Cooper:</strong> Buck you.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-2845-j">SCP-2845-J</a>" by Harmacy, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-2845-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-2845-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 2845-J-Zoom.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Dwight Burdette<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:White-tailed_Deer_Crossing_a_Road_Kensington_Metropark_Michigan.JPG">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:White-tailed_Deer_Crossing_a_Road_Kensington_Metropark_Michigan.JPG</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 2845-J-Car.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Pravana Wijayawardana<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_Sambar_Deer_in_Sri_Lanka.jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_Sambar_Deer_in_Sri_Lanka.jpg</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 2845-J-Arc.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Internet Archive Book Images<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_story_of_Doctor_Dolittle,_being_the_history_of_his_peculiar_life_at_home_and_astonishing_adventures_in_foreign_parts_(1920)_(14566227128).jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_story_of_Doctor_Dolittle,_being_the_history_of_his_peculiar_life_at_home_and_astonishing_adventures_in_foreign_parts_(1920)_(14566227128).jpg</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 2845-J-Sleigh.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Unknown Author<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Santa_Claus_and_reindeer_(1922).jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Santa_Claus_and_reindeer_(1922).jpg</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 2845-J-God.png<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-3.0<br/> This image is composite of<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> RedDeerStag.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Mehmet Karatay<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:RedDeerStag.jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:RedDeerStag.jpg</a><br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Jesus_Christ_-_Hofmann.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Heinrich Hofmann<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jesus_Christ_-_Hofmann.jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jesus_Christ_-_Hofmann.jpg</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 2845-J-Sex.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Davidvraju<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Spotted_deer_(6).jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Spotted_deer_(6).jpg</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> Clean-Room.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> AnemoneProjectors<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC-BY-3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Living_room_(4102748829).jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Living_room_(4102748829).jpg</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-294-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-294-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">N/A</span> Neutralized</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-294-J is currently being monitored by researcher Agnew within its initial location of discovery.</p> <p>Containment procedures are to be implemented following SCP-294-J being reported to research director Tact.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-294-J is an aquatic micro-civilization, located within a styrofoam cup of black coffee found in Site-19’s break room. SCP-294-J is inhabited by a microscopic race of bipedal creatures (SCP-294-J-1) which display rapidly developing intelligence and understanding of social structure.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Microscopic examination has revealed SCP-294-J to have presently reached a technologically advanced era, with the invention of instantaneous transportation, the curing of nearly all known diseases, and widespread enlightenment.</p> <p>Taking into account the time of SCP-294-J’s initial discovery and the time passed since its documentation, it is theorized that SCP-294-J will have developed into an idealized utopian society by 17:30 this afternoon. Strategies to communicate with SCP-294-J-1 in order to devise friendly relations are currently underway.</p> <p><strong>Addendum - Neutralization Log</strong></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. Tact:</strong> You’re a loopy bastard most of the time. What makes you think this is any different?</p> <p><strong>Researcher Agnew:</strong> I’m telling you, it’s different! Had to double-check, but it’s all real!</p> <p><em>Researcher Agnew enters the staff room and walks towards the coffee table.</em></p> <p><strong>Researcher Agnew:</strong> Look, right here! They’ve already converted to a worldwide electric power system and are constructing rockets for outer-cup travel-</p> <p><em>Researcher Agnew pauses in front of the staffroom coffee table. Dr. Fold sits at the table, sipping a cup of coffee. Researcher Agnew lets out a quiet whimper. Dr. Fold looks down at an identical cup of coffee on the table.</em></p> <p><strong>Dr. Fold:</strong> Sorry. Was this yours?</p> </blockquote> <p>Following an investigation of the cup, and gastric examination of Dr. Fold, no traces of SCP-294-J were discovered. The <a href="/scp-294">coffee machine</a> however has been placed in containment and a health and safety report has been issued to the machine’s supplier.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-294-j">SCP-294-J</a>" by Penton, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-294-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-294-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-2950-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-2950-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-2950-J is to be housed in a standard storage container in Site-68. No further containment procedures are required.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-2950-J is an American postcard, the design of which depicts the phrase "HUMENS SUK" in bold black ink. When read by subjects, they will continually express a negative opinion of the human race. This effect recedes after 12 hours.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Enter O5 Credentials</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- WARNING.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <h3 id="toc0"><span>WARNING WARNING WARNING. ATTEMPTING TO IMPERSONATE A MEMBER OF THE O5 COUNCIL IS PUNISHABLE BY TERMINATION, SUPER TERMINATION, AND/OR NECROTIZING FUCKTROCUTION. IF YOU ARE NOT A MEMBER OF THE O5 COUNCIL, CLOSE THIS PANEL IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS OR FACE IMMINENT DEPLOYMENT OF A FRITO/BANDITO-CLASS LETHAL COGNITOHAZARD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, AND THIS IS THE LAST TIME THAT YOU WILL BE WARNED. YOU WILL NOT BE WARNED A SECOND TIME. THREE WARNINGS ARE RIGHT OUT. ENJOY YOUR DESICCATED CORPSE, NERD.</span></h3> <p>Hello, new member of the O5 Council. If you are reading this, you have been inducted into the Council and will now be informed about the true nature of SCP-2950-J.</p> <p>It literally does exactly what it describes, and nothing else.</p> <p>You may have heard a bunch of rumors about this thing secretly being an ZXK-Omega-Black End-of-the-Freaking-Everything Scenario waiting to happen, and some weird shit about perception-based shapeshifting and the like, but I can assure you, this thing is just a postcard that induces a half-day of misanthropy and nothing more. In fact, this collapsible is pretty much just to keep the Level 4's and lower on their toes. A nervous researcher is a productive researcher!</p> <p>You can go about your business. And congrats on the promotion.</p> <p>- O5-4</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="color: #fcfcfc">Hello. If you can read this, I commend your epic codebreaking skills. Unfortunately, SCP-2950-J is still 100% harmless, and not some kind of secret armageddon thingamajig. Now please shut up about this. It's getting embarrassing that we have to address this so many times. - O5-4</span></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Does the Black Moon Howl?</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- YES IT DOES.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <h4 id="toc1"><span>AND IT'S HOWLING FOR YOU TO FUCKING CHILL ABOUT THIS STUPID POSTCARD.</span></h4> <p>I'm pretty sure a tablespoon of non-anomalous couch lint is deadlier than this fucking postcard. You could at least choke on the former in its present form, and you'd have to really work at the latter to get it in a choke-on-able state.</p> <p>We have literally thousands of bigger things to worry about. Y'all are stupid.</p> <p>- O5-4</p> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <span style="color: #ffffff">…</span> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ 3SOTERIC//// NeCrOmAnCy DrAgOn5 - ????? Omega//342-----Encrypt!on k3y?</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Oh for fuck's sake</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Alright, you persistent little turd. You think this is another thing like <a href="/scp-2472">that goddamn air coupler</a>, don't you?</p> <p>Look. We had to go through some sources familiar with anomalous objects - even our enemies - all so we could all collectively stop bitching about this postcard being the Antichrist or something. Here are the unanimous results about whether or not this SCP-2950-J is dangerous:</p> <p><strong>Global Occult Coalition:</strong> "Meh. I'd still blow it up though."</p> <p><strong>Serpent's Hand:</strong> "Big deal, we've got like 500 of these in the Library."</p> <p><strong>Chaos Insurgency:</strong> "I mean, we <em>could</em> use it to destroy the Universe, but we'd have to add a lot of antimatter. Which pretty much goes for all other matter."</p> <p><strong>Oneiroi Collective:</strong> "Not worth dreaming about."</p> <p><strong>Church of the Broken God:</strong> "In its master plan to unify the cosmos in a massive, ironclad equation, MEKHANE obviously had to generate surplus that would ultimately be useless in the long run. This postcard is one of such by-products."</p> <p><strong>Sarkic Cults:</strong> "0/10 Doesn't even give me cancer."</p> <p><strong>Dr. Wondertainment:</strong> "Safe for ages 0 and up!"</p> <p><strong>Marshall, Carter, and Dark:</strong> "Poppycock."</p> <p><strong>Are We Cool Yet?:</strong> "I think the artist was trying to make a comment on the inherent folly of pessimism and misanthropy, and how they believe we should live for the moment rather than critique every action the human race takes."</p> <p><strong>Unusual Incidents Unit:</strong> "Hey, humans don't suck!"</p> <p>So are we clear?</p> <h1 id="toc2"><span>THIS THING IS GOING TO KILL NOBODY.</span></h1> <p>SO <strong>SHUT UP</strong>. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.</p> <p>- O5-4</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <p><span style="color: #ffffff">…</span></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ </a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- </a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><sub>What do you mean, it's going to kill <a href="/nobody-hub">me?</a></sub></p> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-300-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="300-j.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-300-j/300-j.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-300-J when recovered from ██████ offices, Port Elizabeth, South Africa.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-300-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Shatterproof</span> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-300-J is to be kept in a locked containment box in storage. Level-2 researchers are permitted to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">worship</span> test SCP-300-J per Site director discretion.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-300-J is <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">the</span> a <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">omniscient</span> sentient, <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">magnificent</span> standard brand, <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">crimson</span> red plastic ruler <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">of the kingdom of storage box 397-E</span> with the <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">supreme gift</span> anomalous ability to affect all mention of its <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">raw power</span> existence. No <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">imperfections</span> measurement markings are indicated on its <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">divine body</span> surface.</p> <p>Once a <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">peasant</span> human acknowledges its <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">perfection</span> existence, SCP-300-J will try to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">remind</span> convince them that <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">IT IS</span> it is a ruler of a kingdom. SCP-300-J does this by <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">enlightening</span> interrupting all forms of human communication. SCP-300-J's <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">authority</span> compulsion is noted to be easily overcome <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">not for long, filth</span>, usually by correcting any statements involving the object.</p> <p>Once <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">mortals behold</span> visual contact is made with SCP-300-J, it will begin to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">gift</span> communicate with observers telepathically, often interrupting thoughts and redirecting them to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">its greatness</span> its presence.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Interview with SCP-300-J after containment</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">– hide block</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><em>The following is taken from audio transcriptions combined with notes transcribed by Dr. Donald during the interview.</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>Dr. Donald: “Good day, Your Magnif- Uh- SCP-300-J.”</p> <p>SCP-300-J: “Fool, acknowledge your one and only Ruler.”</p> <p>Dr. Donald: “I am not worthy of y- fuck… I am not inclined to do that, SCP-300-J. Please tell us, which kingdo- urrgh… where do you hail fr- ah come on!”</p> <p>SCP-300-J: “You wish to know of the kingdom from which I hail. Yet you do not understand that I am the one hailed. You'd better get this straight, my rule is beyond measure!”</p> <p>Dr. Donald: “Right, I think that's enough. Ending prais- urgh fuck this thing. Ending interview.”</p> <p>SCP-300-J: “Tell <a href="/scp-1561">that damned crown</a> to stop stealing my glory! This is where I'm drawing the line! Give a crown an inch and he thinks he's a bloody ruler.”</p> <p>Dr. Donald: “Oh god.”</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3000-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="sarkbite.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-3000-j/sarkbite.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Grand Karcist Ion™, leader of the evil Sarkbite™ army, being tempted by SCP-3000-J™: tasty, yummy Foundation Flakes™.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>SnapCracklePop Item #:</strong> SCP-3000-J™</p> <p><strong>Cereal Class:</strong> G-r-r-reat!</p> <p><strong>Special Calcium Procedures:</strong> SCP-3000-J™ was previously locked away in the top secret Cereal Containment Facility, because it was deemed too dangerously delicious for the normal public! Now, super secret cereal squad Mobile Taskforce YUM-1™ (“Captains Crunch”) has snuck in, and broke it out so you could taste it now!<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> Now, it is to be contained as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol. This diet is also to include foods high in fiber and vitamins, like SCP-3000-J™! It's part of a complete breakfast!</p> <p><strong>Nutrition Facts:</strong> SCP-3000-J™ is Kellogg's® new Foundation Flakes™! Made with ultra-rich Skippy® Peanut Butter, and Hershey's® Wondertainment™ dark chocolate, as well as USDA Organic cornflakes and rice puffs, SCP-3000-J™ is guaranteed to help you start your day right. SCP-3000-J™ is a heart healthy food, and full of calcium to help your bones grow strong as well as 13 different vitamins and minerals, each one approved by the Kellogg’s® O5 Council™ for your breakfast experience as well as to help you grow up right. One spoonful and you won’t be able to contain the sweet taste of this Sweeter Keter™! Be sure to try Foundation Flakes with new <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-447">chocolate mint flavor</a><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>, or try Kellogg’s® famous <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1160">Super Coco Pows</a>™ in honey, cinnamon, or fruity flavors! Buy them today!</p> <p>SCP-3000-J™ was invented by a crazy mad scientist, who combined the tastes of tangy peanut butter, smooth chocolate, sweet frosted flakes, and crispy rice puffs into a concoction so good it warped reality. Kellogg's® sent their special Mobile Taskforce YUM-1™ in to recover the new cereal. They put it deep in secret containment alongside all the monsters they had caught, like Ignatz the Immortal Lizard™, his Japanese friend Shy Sammy the Statue™, and their arch-nemesis Grand Karcist Ion™ of Calcium, leader of the evil Sark-Bites™ and high priest of the Fifth Church of the Broken Spoon. One day, Grand Karcist Ion had broken free and decided to send his Sark-Bite army to encourage unhealthy eating habits in kids all over the world. Emboldened by the delicious and nutritious taste of Foundation Flakes™, The Kellogg's® O5 Council™ allowed Ignatz™ and Shy Sammy™ to join forces with Mobile Taskforce YUM-1™ and Kellogg's® to defeat the Sark-Bite™ army using the power of a healthy breakfast!</p> <p><strong>Addendum-1:</strong> The following interview took place during a showdown between Mobile Taskforce YUM-1™ and Grand Karcist Ion™</p> <blockquote> <p><strong><Begin Log █/██/█></strong></p> <p><strong>Grand Karcist Ion™:</strong> You can't stop me! My Sark-Bite™ army is too powerful! Together, They will help me rule the world!!! Ha Ha Ha !</p> <p><strong>Ignatz™:</strong> Here Ion, try a delicious bowl of Foundation Flakes™. They're delicious AND nutritious!</p> <p><strong>Grand Karcist Ion™:</strong> (<em>Chews a spoonful slowly.</em>) Oh drat, this is really good! I guess I really had followed the way of all flesh against this scrumptious cereal. Me and my Sark-Bites will go home, but you haven't seen the last of us!</p> <p><strong>Ignatz™:</strong> Silly Ion, nobody can resist the taste of Foundation Flakes™!</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addendum-2:</strong> Hey kids, help Ignatz the Immortal Lizard™ find his way through the maze to the party at Alagadda City where he can eat all the Foundation Flakes™ he wants! Better be quick, because mean old Grand Karcist Ion™ will find him and steal his cereal!</p> <p><strong>MAZE CENSORED: REALLY AWESOME COG-NEATO-HAZARD THAT CAUSES YOU TO CRAVE SCP-3000-J.</strong></p> <p>Please buy boxes of Foundation Flakes™ at your local supermarket to enjoy fun games and puzzles like this. Also enjoy the continuing adventures of Ignatz™ and YUM-1™ in <em>Kellogg's Presents YUM-1: Secure Contain and Protect</em>, airing Saturday mornings at 8:15 EST on Cartoon Network® or online at www.kelloggsfoundationflakes.com/yum1/comics.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup></p> <hr/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. A containment breach for brunch! Crunch!</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Not for sale on Halloween or Day of the Dead, or to morticians.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Foundation Flakes™, SCP-3000-J™, Keter™, Mobile Taskforce YUM-1™, The Kellogg's O5 Council™, Ignatz the Immortal Lizard™, Shy Sammy the Statue™, Grand Karcist Ion™, and Sark-Bite™ are all registered trademarks of The Kelloggs Company. Wondertainment™ is a registered trademark of The Hershey Company. Cartoon Network® is a division of Turner Broadcasting System, itself a subsidiary of Time Warner Inc. Shy Sammy the Statue™ was originally created as the art piece "Untitled 2004"™, which was created by Izumi Kato. The concept of Shy Sammy the Statue™ does not have any relationship with the artist's original concept of "Untitled 2004"™. "Untitled 2004"™ is a registered trademark of Izumi Kato Enterprises. All rights reserved.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3001-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3001-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Since I'm locked here, there's no risk of a containment breach. Unfortunately.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3001-J refers to a phenomenon where I haven't finished wiping my ass and the toilet paper has run out. I can't get out. My only hope is that the person reading this may be able to localize me and bring me toilet paper. Help.</p> <p><strong>Addendum-3001-J-1:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>13/7/2023, 10:53</p> <p>My name is Jonathan Pinkman. I am currently involved in a hostage situation, with the captor consisting of my unwiped anus.</p> <p>It happened last Monday. I was having a particularly unpleasant rectum discharge, given that some bastard at the Site cafeteria had smeared the peanut sandwiches I stole from him with laxatives, and the only other choice was the vegan menu.</p> <p>After wondering how one goes about milking an almond, I reached for the paper. Terror. Horror. Constipation. Those are all things I felt after finding out that there was no tooth fairy, that there was no Santa Claus, and that there was no toilet paper.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>13/7/2023, 14:11</p> <p>I've survived these last weeks via a Mars Bar and my own self-pity. A guy aggressively knocks on the door. I tell him to come back with a warrant. Knocking stops.</p> <p>I consider my options. I could vocalize my need for paper, but that could come at the cost of my dignity, possibly for the rest of my life. People love giving nicknames based on stupid shit you once did. I had a co-worker that once ate Play Dooh in 1st grade. He was later known as Carl the Souless Psychopath, due to his affiliation with businesses such as drug dealing, hitman services, and the selling of Reddit accounts.</p> <p>What I'm trying to say is that what you do can stick to you like glue, and asking for toilet paper may not seem like a big deal, until the day of your graduation, when you hear the principal shout "Jonathan Shitstained Pinkman please come into the stage" into the megaphone.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>13/7/2023, 16:20</p> <p>I've lost count of how much time I've been here. I tried keeping up with the date by counting how many people exit the bathroom without washing their hands, but I had already reached the fall of the Roman Empire 2 minutes in. Hours are starting to merge together. The difference between day and night is negligible. I am going insane.</p> <p>A man enters the bathroom. Millions of years ago, young Earth suffered cataclysmic phenomena constantly. Supervolcano eruptions, meteor strikes, and violent earthquakes all shaped the planet we live on today. Humans collectively decided to commemorate the magnitude of said events by being as loud as possible while defecting. Undoubtedly satisfied with his tribute, the man leaves.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>13/7/2023, 18:04</p> <p>I am my own Robinson Cresou, stranded alone in an ocean of unsanitazed bathrooms. The feces smeared over my cheeks have crystallized, forming the new elusive 119th element. Perhaps they'll discover it after doing archeological excavations here in about 5 years (if global warming complies), alongside my skeleton and the remains of that huge ass rat I just saw crawling around.</p> <p>My mind wonders remembering all the friends and family members I may never see again. My aunt, for example, was a firm believer of the horoscope, her sign being Cancer. So, in the end, her death was quite ironic. She was killed by a giant crab.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>13/7/2023, 20:32</p> <p>I entertain myself by reading the writings on the bathroom stall. The full details of a murder committed in Arkansas last year. A poem about female dogs and pot (lids?). Anatomically incorrect penis. The letters "K" and "P" are united by a heart. I internally congratulate Kanye West and Princess Peach for their newfound love.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>13/7/2023, 21:44</p> <p>Right when I'm contemplating the nutritional value of vanilla-scented soap, a janitor opens the door. Perhaps the other guy didn't try hard enough. He asks what the fuck am I doing there. I ask him if he thinks "Shitstained" is really that bad of a nickname.</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3001-j">SCP-3001-J</a>" by NeverMeltIce44 , from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3001-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3001-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3034-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div style="background: url(https://kaktuskontainer.wdfiles.com/local--files/format-hell/scp_trans.png) bottom center no-repeat; text-align: center; width: 600px; margin: 0 auto; font-size: 20px; padding: 0px;"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span><span style="color: black">BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL</span></span></h2> <p><span style="color: black">The following document is considered a QUÄLGEIST-Class non-anomalous cognitohazard.</span></p> </div> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="color: black">Proceed at your own risk</span></strong></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> </div> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="Boats.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-3034-j/Boats.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>A research crew working on SCP-3034-J. All identifying features have been redacted by personnel request.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3034-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Whatever keeps it as far away from people as possible</span> Thaumiel<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> The area containing SCP-3034-J, currently a region of the Indian Ocean roughly 300km in diameter, is to be routinely patrolled by <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">unmanned</span> Foundation naval vessels. Under no circumstances are civilians allowed to attempt deep sea exploration or diving efforts in the quarantined area. Civilians attempting to enter the quarantined area are to be immediately deterred by a squadron of MTF Epsilon-13 ("Infernal Shocktroopers") armed with spray bottles.</p> <p>Individuals associated with the "vore"<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> community are not to be assigned to SCP-3034-J under <em>any</em> circumstances. Individuals affected by the anomalous properties of SCP-3034-J are to seriously rethink their life choices and get professional help.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup> In the event that individuals fail to reconsider the consequences of their actions under the influence of SCP-3034-J, Class-E amnestics are to be administered immediately.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup> D-Class personnel utilized for Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy" are to NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HAVE ACCESS TO ANY COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3034-J is a large aquatic serpent. The full length of SCP-3034-J is unknown, but is unfortunately large enough to swallow an indefinite number of humans. Similarly, the size of SCP-3034-J's mouth is unfortunately four meters from bottom to top, more than sufficient to consume humans.</p> <p>SCP-3034-J demonstrates by far the most disturbing memetic effect the Foundation has had the displeasure of coming into contact with. Individuals who come within approximately 300 meters of SCP-3034-J will begin to vocalize a strong desire to be consumed by SCP-3034-J, and will take any available course of action to be consumed. This is considered to be a method by which SCP-3034-J catches prey <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">and serves as an abomination before the eyes of God.</span><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup> Additionally, vocalizations by individuals under the influence of SCP-3034-J are to be considered a Class-ψ cognitohazard, and result in a φK-Class Loss-Of-Faith-In-Humanity scenario within 84.77% of exposed individuals who are not amnesticized within three days.</p> <p>While normally a creature as atrocious as SCP-3034-J would warrant the "accidental" leaking of both the containment area and guard schedule to the Global Occult Coalition, SCP-3034-J has unfortunately proven itself invaluable to the Foundation through its spontaneous excretion of large masses of crystalline-form carbon and a proven catholicon for degenerative and abnormal cell growth (designated SCP-3034-J-1).<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup> As such, suspension of Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy" would leave the Foundation vulnerable to XK-Class "I guess you like cancer" accusations.</p> <p>The unfortunate fact that SCP-3034-J is invaluable to the Foundation has forced us to develop Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy" after a majority vote by the Ethics Committee.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-7" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-7')">7</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy":</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Show instructions.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Amnestics are available upon request </a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><em>I'm not paid enough to copy down the whole thing. Here's my abridged version.</em></p> <blockquote> <p>Fucking yeet a D-Class into the maw of SCP-3034-J, then collect the goods via drone.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Addendum 3034-J-A:</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Initial Discovery of SCP-3034-J</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Remember, there are people who care for you and enjoy your presence in this world.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><em>Mobile Task Force Gamma-39 ("In Over Their Heads") was assigned to investigate an unusual string of maritime disappearances.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-8" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-8')">8</a></sup></em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> Ok fellas, we've got a strange sea creature. Should be par for the course. This'll be my last dive before I retire on ██/██/████, so let's make it count!</p> <p><em>Bravo, Foxtrot, and Echo vocalize their affirmation.</em></p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> Exiting airlock now.</p> <p><em>Alpha, taking the position of the bottom of the "T", exits the airlock. Due to the rigid structure of the steel rods, the rest of the squad is unable to enter the water for 39.3 seconds. Eventually, Echo manages to tilt the formation in such a manner that the team is able to slide through at an angle.</em></p> <p><strong>Echo:</strong> I have visual on the skip. Best guess is that we're about 326.2527 meters from it.</p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> Alright men, as a little added incentive to get this done well, you're all invited to my retirement party. It will be held at ████, ███████ lane, and the date will be ██/██/████. My lovely family, including ████ ██████ will be present, and be sure to thank Dr. ████████ for my recent █████ surgery last ███sday.</p> <p><strong>Echo:</strong> Yeah, your party sounds fun, but getting eaten by that eel sounds much better.</p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> Excuse me, what?</p> <p><strong>Foxtrot:</strong> Sorry Alpha, I'm with Echo on this one. We should probably conduct an.. in depth exploration of this thing from the inside.</p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> Command, you all getting this? We've got a possible memetic effect coming from that sexy eel and we need assistance pronto.</p> <p><strong>Command:</strong> Affirmative. Stay put where you are, we'll send you more information about these cognitive effects as we receive it.</p> <p><strong>Bravo:</strong> Nah, let's check out the eel.</p> <p><em>Foxtrot and Echo signal their support of Bravo's idea over Alpha's complaints and begin swimming towards SCP-3034-J, overpowering Alpha's attempts to go towards the surface.</em></p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> You little shits! If you get eaten by that thing you are <em>uninvited</em> to my retirement party, which I remind you is taking place at ████, ███████ lane!</p> <p><strong>Echo:</strong> Sir, our mission is to gain insight of the anomalous effects of SCP-3034-J, and my inner researcher is telling me that this can best be attained by entrance of SCP-3034-J.</p> <p><strong>Bravo:</strong> Expunge me, daddy!</p> <p><em>Bravo swims into the mouth of SCP-3034-J.</em></p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> WHY THE HELL DID YOU SWIM INTO THAT THING? MY RETIREMENT WAS GOING TO [EXTRANEOUS IDENTIFYING INFORMATION REMOVED].</p> <p><strong>Echo:</strong> Sir, you appear to be suffering from some memetic effect and have lost track of the mission. I would advise you to clear your head before joining us.</p> <p><em>Echo swims into SCP-3034-J's mouth, with the ensuing motion of the "T" bringing a jubilant Foxtrot into the maw as well.</em></p> <p><strong>Foxtrot:</strong> [DATA EXPUNGED]<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-9" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-9')">9</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Alpha:</strong> I'm seeing piles of something next to that stud of an eel. Before I continue the mission, I'm going to send some of it up to y'all. Sorry I'm slowing down our timing a bit. Don't know what came over me. By the way, feel free to send as many people down here as you would like.</p> <p><strong>Command:</strong> Wait a second you thick…</p> <p><em>Alpha entered SCP-3034-J immediately after sending a capsule full of diamonds and SCP-3034-J-1 to the surface.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Addendum 3034-J-B</strong></p> <p>The following document requires a Level 5/3034-J security clearance. Failure to successfully <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">click the red words</span> input these highly complex credentials will result in immediate termination.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ INPUT LEVEL 5/3034-J CREDENTIALS</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Congratulations on surviving. You'll wish you didn't.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>Analysis of SCP-3034-J has concluded that the memetic effect only manifests in 89% of cases. In other words, 11% of individuals "affected" by SCP-3034-J are acting entirely of their own volition. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish up the final paperwork and chug the gallon jug of amnestics that I pilfered from storage.</p> <p>Consider this as my formal request to never be assigned to SCP-3034-J, or any other skip with a numerical designation in the 3000s.</p> <p><em>Sincerely yours,</em><br/> <em>Researcher █████</em></p> </blockquote> <p>Researcher Stone was found in his quarters passed out from an overdose of amnestics, with an empty milk carton clutched in one hand.</p> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <strong>Addendum 3034-C:</strong><br/> <span style="color:white">.</span> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Official statement from O5-█</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Close</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div style="border:solid 1px #999999; background:#f2f2c2; padding:5px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h4 id="toc0"><span>AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM O5-█</span></h4> <hr/> <p>What the fuck?</p> <hr/> <p><strong>— Secure. Contain. Protect.</strong></p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. God help us.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. If you don't know what that is, I am jealous of you.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Personnel under the delusion that SCP-3034-J is any sort of <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-3000" target="_blank">divine serpent</a> are to be informed, in no uncertain terms, that they are fucking stupid.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. This is not a punishment, as most personnel assigned to SCP-3034-J beg for amnestication within one (1) (●) (Uno) (壹) (How many bullets I'm putting in my head if I don't get some goddamn amnestics) week of beginning work with SCP-3034-J.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. Don't be silly. SCP-3034-J is living proof that God doesn't exist.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. This thing shits diamonds and the cure for cancer.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-7"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-7')">7</a>. The ten members opposed committed ritual seppeku in protest, leaving the only remaining member to cast the singular affirmative vote.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-8"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-8')">8</a>. The dive was originally going to consist of 3 members diving in a "T" formation before a logistics technician pointed out that without an individual in the intersection of the tethers, the formation would resemble a "Y" more than anything. Subsequent analysis concluded that the only satisfactory method of conducting a diving expedition in a true "T" shape would be to add one additional member on the intersection and replace the tethers with rigid steel rods to preserve the integrity of the "T".</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-9"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-9')">9</a>. It's for the best.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3034-j">SCP-3034-J</a>" by CryonicAutumn, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3034-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3034-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> Boats.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Boats in the corals of Red Sea<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> kallerna<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Boats_in_the_corals_of_Red_Sea.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-309-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p>i accidentally hit save instead of save draft and now this is posted</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-309-j">how do i delete articles</a>" by fishingenthusiast, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-309-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-309-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-314-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <ul class="creditRate"> <li class="rateBox folded"> <div class="rate-box-with-credit-button"> <div class="creditButton foldable-list-container"> <p><a href="javascript:;"></a></p> </div> </div> <div id="u-credit-view"> <div class="fader foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">close</a></div> <div class="modalcontainer"> <div class="modalbox"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <h2><span>Info</span></h2> </div> <hr/> <div class="close-credits foldable-list-container"><a href="javascript:;">X</a></div> <div class="credit first"> <p><strong>SCP-314-J</strong>: Numerical Proofs That You Suck</p> <p><strong>Author:</strong> <a href="/weizhong">weizhong</a></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ More articles by weizhong</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a 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class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ All coauthored articles featuring weizhong</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Hide list</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <th><strong>Page</strong></th> <th><strong>Authors</strong></th> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/unusual-incidents-unit-hub">Unusual Incidents Unit Hub</a></td> <td><span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/drewbear" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(301632); return false;">Drewbear</a></span>, <span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/cryogenchaos" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(251810); return false;">CryogenChaos</a></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/wmdd-s-proposal">Project Palisade, 001 Proposal</a></td> <td><span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/thedeadlymoose" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(732274); return false;">thedeadlymoose</a></span>, <span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/drewbear" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(301632); return false;">Drewbear</a></span>, and <span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/dexanote" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(481882); return false;">Dexanote</a></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/tko">TKO</a></td> <td><span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/thedeadlymoose" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(732274); return false;">thedeadlymoose</a></span> and <span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/drewbear" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(301632); return false;">Drewbear</a></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/scp-5050-ex">SCP-5050-EX</a></td> <td><span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/citytoast" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1372124); return false;">CityToast</a></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/competitive-teleology">Competitive Teleology</a></td> <td><span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/riemann" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1787775); return false;">Riemann</a></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/scp-5882">SCP-5882</a></td> <td><span class="printuser"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/riemann" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1787775); return false;">Riemann</a></span></td> </tr> </table> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> </div> </div> </div> </li> </ul> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-314-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe, but kind of an asshole.</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-314-J is to be stored in a standard anomalous item containment locker. Researchers who are big babies<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> are not allowed to conduct research with the item.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-314-J is an anomalous mathematical textbook entitled <em>"Numerical Proofs (That You Suck)".</em> Individuals who open the textbook are greeted with a blank page that begins to populate itself with a series of mathematical proofs, diagrams, flow-charts, bar-charts, pie-charts, and cake-charts that culminate with a logically consistent rationale for why each individual is a terrible person. This invariably results in said individual not being able to be chill about this.<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Experiment Log SCP-314-J:</strong> The following is a log of various tests involving different personnel and SCP-314-J.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Individual:</strong> Researcher Zhang Wen<br/> <strong>Result:</strong> SCP-314-J flipped open to a page with a hypothetical proof with unknown variables. When Researcher Zhang finished working out the proof to confirm that the two compound matrices A and B were in fact identical, the book flipped open to the next page to reveal that A = "Your Mom" and B = "Dumber Than a Sack of Bricks."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>"My mom's dead, man. What the hell."</em> -Researcher Zhang Wen.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Individual:</strong> Agent Stephen Adams<br/> <strong>Result:</strong> When Agent Adams opened the book, a single line proof by intimidation appeared: "The proof of why Agent Adams sucks is trivial, and left as an exercise for beginning students."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>"Where the FUCK do you get off you little shit? Square up, I'm about to-"</em> -Agent Stephen Adams to SCP-314-J, prior to being physically restrained and dragged out of the testing chamber.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Individual:</strong> Researcher James, Age 11<br/> <strong>Result:</strong> SCP-314-J opens to a random page, showing the following equation: "1 + 1 = ur a lil' bitch."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> Researcher James was officially consoled with a juice box and a promise to take him to McDonalds after work.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Individual:</strong> Junior Researcher Riemann<br/> <strong>Result:</strong> SCP-314-J opened to a complex mathematical proof about sets or something. Junior Researcher Riemann was heard to exclaim "Finally! Something that appreciates my work!" Following 3 weeks of work on the proof, Junior Researcher Riemann went into the testing chamber, only to run out 3 minutes later, in tears.<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> Junior Researcher Riemann officially reprimanded and told to grow up. Jesus, I thought you liked math shit?</p> </blockquote> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. I'm looking at <strong>you,</strong> Kyle.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Seriously, Kyle, it's just a textbook.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-314-j">SCP-314-J</a>" by weizhong, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-314-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-314-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-329-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="yield.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-329-j/yield.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-329-J</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-329-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-329-J is currently housed in Containment Locker 329-J. Access is permissible to all personnel.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-329-J is a common American "yield" sign with the apparent ability of speech. SCP-329-J claims to be a "ghost". No other anomalous properties have been detected at this time.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Interview Log 329-J-1:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. James:</strong> Good morning three two nine dash jay.<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I am the ghoooost siiiign!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> Um… ok.<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> Yield to oncoming traffiiic! Ooooooh!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> Um, ghost sign, do you know where you are?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I'm in the realm of the liviiiing! Oooooooooooh!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> Right, um, what were you doing before this?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I was a siiiign! Now I'm a ghoooooost siiiiign!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> What does that even mean?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I was once arrested for driving under the influuuueeence!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> What?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I know riiiight? I don't even have leeeeegggssss! Ooooooh! Drunk driving is dangeroooouuuus!</p> </blockquote> <p>Interview Log 329-J-2:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. James:</strong> Good morning, er, ghost sign.<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> Don't call me thaaaat! I'm just a siiiign noooow! Ooo- I mean, hiiiii!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> Why are you a sign now?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I dropped my ghooooost liceeeeense!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> Your what?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> I can't be a ghoooost without my ghooooost liceeeense!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> But how can you even carry a license?<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> Well I can't noooow! I'm no longer a ghooooost!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> I…. but…. what?</p> </blockquote> <p>Interview Log 329-J-3:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. James:</strong> We've brought you outside to see if you affect traffic in an anomalous way.<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> It's nippyyyy! Can I have a sweeeattteerr?<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> No! For fuck's sake, you're a ghost! You don't need a sweater! Shut up!<br/> <strong>SCP-329-J:</strong> Yoooouuuu shut uuuup!<br/> <strong>Dr. James:</strong> WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ANY SENSE!?</p> </blockquote> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-329-j">SCP-329-J</a>" by Salman Corbette, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-329-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-329-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> yield.jpg<br/> <strong>Name:</strong> Yield Sign - USA<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Carlos Cunha<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/carlpuentes/7036903">Flickr</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-333-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-333-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-333-J has been purchased from the owner through a front corporation and staffed with agents and researchers, who will keep detailed records of all anomalous events happening within SCP-333-J. <strong>Due to the high volume of transfer requests, no further agents will be stationed at SCP-333-J until further notice.</strong></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-333-J is a bar called Skippy's Corner Pub, located ten miles west of █████ ███, ██. Periodically, persons of various backgrounds and professions will be drawn into the bar to interact with either bar staff, patrons, or one another. Occasionally, various animals and objects have manifested to assist in these interactions. There seems to be no observable correlation between those affected to date, and the majority of affected persons have shown no ill effects due to exposure to SCP-333-J following their interaction with its effect. </p> <p>The following log is a record of various interactions observed within SCP-333-J. Researchers are encouraged to investigate further and add their own findings.</p> <h2 id="toc0"><span>Research Log 333-J</span></h2> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A man walks into the bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "If you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a Bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.</p> <p>Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.</p> <p>So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.</p> <p>The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of Bud on the house. As he gives the guy the Bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"</p> <p>The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>What a ducking travesty.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p> </p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A pony walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, may I have a drink?"</p> <p>Bartender says, "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"</p> <p>"May I please have a drink?"</p> <p>"What? You have to speak up!"</p> <p>"Could I please have a drink?"</p> <p>"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."</p> <p>"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Obviously, it was a shetland punny.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p> </p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong></p> <p>A blind man walks into the bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.</p> <p>The bartender speaks up and says, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"</p> <p>The blind man says, "Just taking a look around."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>An insufferable booze hound.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: █-██-████</strong></p> <p>A guy walks into the bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."</p> <p>The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I got nuttin' for that.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p> </p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: █-██-████</strong></p> <p>A guy walks into the bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a drink.</p> <p>The Bartender says, "Nice pet, what's his name?"<br/> "His name is Tiny," the man replies.</p> <p>"Why do you call him that?"</p> <p>"Because, he's my newt."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>…</em> Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Okay. That one's a little funny.</em> Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.</p> <p>The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."</p> <p>The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."</p> <p>The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"</p> <p>The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"</p> <p>The bartender answers, "A rose?"</p> <p>"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A man walks into the bar. He has a seat, and the surly bartender stomps over and rudely asks the man what he wants. "Actually I don't want a drink", says the man. "I want to make a bet. I bet you fifty dollars I can lick my left eye." Confused, but knowing the improbability, the bartender says, "You're on!" The man proceeds to remove his glass eye and lick it. Angry but admitting defeat, the bartender pays him.</p> <p>"I'd like to make another bet," says the man. "I bet $100 I can bite my right eye." Knowing he couldn't possibly have two glass eyes, and wanting to win his money back, the bartender agrees. The man takes out his false teeth, then uses them to bite the other eye. Now really angry, the bartender gives him $100. The man then leaves the bartender alone and walks around the bar chatting it up and drinking with the other patrons.</p> <p>They all talk, drink, and share a huge laugh while the bartender stews about his lost money. The man staggers back and says, "Tell ya what, I'll bet you all the money I won, but DOUBLE, that I can pee in that shot glass from here without spilling a drop!" The bartender looks at the shot glass, which is a good 10 feet away, and knows for a FACT this cannot be done. He boldly replies, "Double? $300 and not a single drop outside the glass? You have a bet!"</p> <p>The man positions himself on the bar, unzips, then begins to urinate. The urine goes all over the bar, the counter, even the bartender himself. The bartender laughs and says, "All right, you lost fair and square, now pay up!" Calmly, the man pulls out $300 and hands it to the bartender. He goes around the bar talking to the patrons again, and comes back looking joyful. The bartender asks, "Why are YOU so happy? You just lost $300!"</p> <p>"Because I bet everyone else here $100 each that I could piss all over your bar, on your counter, even on you, and you wouldn't get mad."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Next time something like this happens I'm intervening.</em> Agent ██████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Go for it. Better they piss on you than me.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A monkey, a vampire, and a dozen soldiers walk into a bar. The monkey says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I don't get it.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">request the use of <a href="/scp-076">SCP-076-2</a> or Mobile Task Force Omega-7 for testing</span> test SCP-333-J under any circumstances. Furthermore, Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to refer to SCP-076-2 as a "vampire" in his reports.</em></p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A man walks into the bar and pulls from his jacket a tiny man and an equally tiny piano. The tiny man plays the piano perfectly, to the amusement of the crowd. The bartender asks the man how he got him.</p> <p>The man shows the bartender a magic lamp and offers to sell it for one hundred dollars to which the bartender agrees. A genie appears from the lamp and offers one wish. The bartender asks for "a million bucks".</p> <p>Moments later, the entire bar is filled with an insane number of ducks. After the bar is evacuated, the bartender tells the man, "Dammit, I asked for a million bucks! Not ducks! Bucks!"</p> <p>The man says, "Tell me about it. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Damn right. What am I supposed to do with this room full of gorgeous snowmen?</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>The location of both lamp and genie after destruction of the megaflock could not be determined. Provisional designation SCP-███ has been made, pending retrieval.</em></p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale walk into the bar. After a few minutes, they've got the bartender's attention and are ready to get their drinks. The bartender asks them, "What'll you have?"</p> <p>The priest says, "Well, I've accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, so I'll have some sacramental wine."</p> <p>The bartender serves him his drink and then looks to the rabbi and asks him what he'll have.</p> <p>"Well," the rabbi orders, "I believe that our messiah has not yet comes, so I'd like a glass of your finest manischewitz."</p> <p>The bartender nods and then, finally, looks at the humpback whale. "And what about you, big guy?" he asks with a friendly smile.</p> <p>And the whale says, <em>"OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO~!"</em></p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>So I served him Seagram's.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>In retrospect, we should have noticed something was up as soon as a whale walked into the bar.</em> Agent ███████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>Man walks into the bar.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Medic team arrives approximately ██ after incident. Male treated for concussion.</em><br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Why was that bar hanging at head height?</em> - Agent ███████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>We've sure lowered the bar around here.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>He'll never pass the bar that way.</em> -Agent ███████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Barring that, this was a pretty good joke.</em> -Agent ██████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> All agents involved in this incident KIA due to [REDACTED]. See Addendum 333-J-01 for further information.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner, with a glass jar stuffed with twenty dollar bills. The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender what the deal is with the horse. The bartender says, "Simple, you put a twenty in the jar, and if you can make the horse laugh, the jar is yours." The guy thinks about it a few minutes, puts a twenty in the jar, and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse immediately busts out laughing, and the guy takes the jar, finishes his drink, and leaves.</p> <p>A few weeks later the guy goes back to the same bar, where the same horse is in the corner with a new jar of twenties. The guy orders a drink and asks about the horse, and the bartender says, "Put a twenty in, and this time, you get the jar if you can make the horse cry." The guys thinks a while, and after a couple drinks, puts a twenty in the jar and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse gives the guy a funny look, and a moment later starts bawling.</p> <p>The guy takes the jar back with him to the bar, and the bartender says, "Man, I have never seen anyone make that horse laugh <em>or</em> cry. What in the world did you say to it?"</p> <p>The guys says, "To make the horse laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry, I proved it."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>According to the bartender, the guy said his name was Willie Johnson.</em> -Agent ████████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>What an enormous prick.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.</p> <p>"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.</p> <p>He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.</p> <p>“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”</p> <p>Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.</p> <p>“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”</p> <p>He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.</p> <p>“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”</p> <p>“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Unfortunately, he still had to pay for them.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A woman walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her one.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Never heard about that one in my mixology classes.</em> -Agent ████████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Oh, it's easy. Two fingers, and shake it.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A man walks into the bar. It's quite noisy, so he calls out to the bartender and shouts "Eight beers please, mate!". A while later, the bartender gives him four beers.</p> <p>The man looks at the quatro of beverages a bit befuddled, and says "I ordered eight beers, man!"</p> <p>"You held up four fingers."</p> <p>"Well, I used to have enough to order eight, but then I got a job at the sawmill…"</p> <p>The bartender apologizes and gets him four more beers. "On the house."</p> <p>A while later, the man has finished his drinks, and he has to piss something awful. So he goes up to the bartender and asks him if there's a bathroom here.</p> <p>"Sure, mate. Right over there." says the bartender, pointing at the men's room.</p> <p>The man looks a bit shifty, then asks in a hushed tone, "Don' you have a… ladies' room 'round here?"</p> <p>"Now why do you want that?"</p> <p>"Well, I used t' be able to use the men's room, but then I got a job at th' sawmill…"</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Jokes like this are seriously hurting the lumber industry. Who wood want that job after hearing this joke?</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Are you saying this joke should be cut?</em> -Agent ███<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>OSHA-ure.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A butcher walks into the bar, and looks around. He smiled, then waved at a number of his friends. The butcher then goes on to order a round of beers for his mates that just walked in, when he stopped and stared at the last person to sit down.</p> <p>The bartender, wary of violence, looked over the newcomers and noticed that each was carrying a piece of meat. The person the butcher was staring at looked nervous and stood up.</p> <p>He tried to hide his cut of meat behind his back, but failed when the butcher reached over and grabbed it. The meat flopped sadly around in his hand, gray and forlorn.</p> <p>The butcher suddenly turned beet red and threw the meat out the door. Grabbing the poor soul's shirt, he dragged him along the floor, grabbed a ham hock from out of his backpack, and started to beat him. After a few seconds, the butcher picked up the offender, punched him in the face, and threw him out of the bar.</p> <p>The bartender gasped, appalled by the sudden burst of violence, and asked, "What did you do that for?"</p> <p>The butcher takes one look at the bartender and replies, "Why, he just didn't make the cut."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>You have to stop jokes like this. I don't think you realise what's at steak!</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Yeah, we'd better ground ourselves before this gets way too out of hand.</em> -Agent ████████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Why? I'd say this definitely made the grade.</em> -Agent ███████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Hey you guys. I don't want to get out the Tenderizer, but I'll be forced to if this doesn't stop. I find this udderly unamoosing.</em> -Agent ██████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A cowboy walks into a completely empty bar and orders a whiskey. As the bartender pours his drink, he asks, "Is it always this slow?"</p> <p>"Naw," says the barkeep. "Everyone's just gone to the hanging. They finally caught Newspaper Pete."</p> <p>"Newspaper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "What kind of a name is that?"</p> <p>"One that fit him. He always wore a newspaper hat, a newspaper shirt, newspaper trousers, newspaper shoes…"</p> <p>"Oh. What're they hanging him for?"</p> <p>"Rustling."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>That must have been front page noose.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Mob justice isn't usually this black and white.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I knew newspapers were a dying medium, but this is ridiculous.</em> -Agent ████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>Rene Descartes walks into a bar. "Want a beer, buddy?" the bartender asks.</p> <p>"I think not," Descartes replies… and promptly vanishes.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I drink, therefore I am.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A man storms into a bar, orders a drink, slams it back in one, and stands up to declare to all present: "I just want everyone to know that lawyers are assholes."</p> <p>"Hey!" yells a guy in the back of the bar. "I take exception to that!"</p> <p>"What," the first man snarls, "are you a lawyer?"</p> <p>"No! I'm an asshole."</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them orders a drink while the other sits down at a table. Suddenly, three men stand up from a nearby table and begin attacking the sitting peanut mercilessly before fleeing from the bar. The peanut is carried out of the bar by his fellow.</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Obviously, one must have been a [REDACTED].</em> -Agent ███████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A bear walks into a bar. He sits down and looks to the bartender, and asks, "May I have a gin?" After several seconds, it added, "And tonic?"</p> <p>"Of course you can," the bartender says. "But why the pause?"</p> <p>He waved his arms at the bartender and said, "Because I'm a bear!"</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>A real kodiac moment.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A C-note, an Eb-note, and a G-note walk into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."</p> <p>The C-note turns to the Eb-note and says, "I told you to act natural!"</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>That ended on a rather silly note.</em> -Agent ███<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I think this joke fell flat.</em> -Agent ███████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I dunno. It struck a chord with me.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I'm just glad they didn't start any treble with the barkeep.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A mushroom walks into the bar and for the rest of the night is the center of attention as everyone has a good time.</p> <p>After he left all the patrons agreed that he was a fun guy.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>Past, Present, and Future walk into the bar</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Man, the mood was tense after they showed up.</em> -Agent ██████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>Two pieces of string walk into the bar. One string asks for a beer but the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."</p> <p>The string that made the order walks out. The second string begins writhing on the floor in order to tatter its ends and tie itself up. It then also asks for a beer.</p> <p>The bartender says, "Didn't you hear me the last time I said we don't serve your kind here?"</p> <p>The string replies with, "No, I'm a frayed knot."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Like I haven't heard that line before</em> - Agent ███</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A leper walks into the bar with a pet chimp in hand. The barkeeper takes a look at the pair and says "Hey, you get that thing out of here. We don't serve them here."</p> <p>The chimp looks at the leper then back to the barkeep and responds, "Come on. Give him a break. He's wasting away over here."</p> <p><strong>Notes:</strong> <em>You should've seen the tip that guy left.</em> -Agent █████<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Turns out the monkey just keeps the leper around to give him a hand.</em> -Agent █████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong><br/> A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm. He says, "I'll have a beer please, And one for the road!"</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>An anomalously large hydrogen atom enters the bar and hovers around erratically, claiming to have lost an electron. After helping it look for several minutes, the bartender asks, "Are you sure you lost it?"<br/> The atom says, "Yes, I'm positive."</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong><br/> A set of jumper cables walks into the bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong><br/> A bird flies into a bar. The bartender then promptly serves it a drink. The bird started to fly away, but then the bartender grabbed it and said "We don't allow cheep skates."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Now you're really winging it.</em> -Agent ███</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>An Agent walks into the bar on a Thursday and orders three beers. The bartender thinks nothing of it and goes about his business. The Agent finishes his alcohol, pays his tab, and leaves.</p> <p>Come the next Thursday, the Agent again returns to the bar, orders three beers, drinks, pays, and leaves. So the bartender decides that the Agent must be a regular, and decides to see if he returns the following week. Sure enough, he does, so the bartender decides to ask the Agent about his drinking practices.</p> <p>The Agent says, "I have two brothers, and we used to go out on Thursday to drink. One is a researcher at Site-██, and the other is in Mobile Task Force [REDACTED]. We've agreed that we'll all drink the other brother's beers until we're all together again."</p> <p>The bartender nods and gets back to work. For the next several months, the Agent continues to order his three beers, until one day, he only orders two.</p> <p>The bartenders thinks the worst has happened and asks, "Is everything ok?"</p> <p>"Yeah, everything's fine," the Agent replies.</p> <p>"Well, you usually order three beers. Are your brothers ok?"</p> <p>"Oh, yeah, that. Well, I got reassigned to SCP-████, and the containment procedures say I can't drink. These are my brothers' beers."</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> An Agent walks into the bar and orders an Irish Car Bomb.<br/> 12 Foundation Agents were killed and a further 17 were wounded.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel protruding from the front of his pants. When questioned by the bartender, he explains "Yaarrr!! It's drivin' me nuts!"</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong><br/> A man walks into the bar with a giraffe. They consume many rounds of drinks, until the giraffe is passed out on the floor. The man stands up to leave the bar, and the bartender calls after him "Hey! You can't just leave that lying there!".<br/> The man replies "That's no lion, it's a giraffe!"</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> A skeleton without any arms walks into the bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke? Because I don't find it humerus."</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"<br/> "Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."<br/> "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.<br/> "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> A zombie limps into the bar. A panicked patron attacks him with a machete and cuts off his left arm and left leg, then flees. The bartender rushes to the zombie and asks, "Are you ok sir?"<br/> The zombie replies, "Don't worry, I'm all right."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I feel as if I've been left out of the joke.</em> -Agent ██<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>This encounter would have gone a lot differently had the zombie been armed.</em> -Agent ███</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> A man enters the bar and orders a Bloody Mary<br/> The resulting Specter was contained after 5 Foundation and 2 Civilian casualties.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> A neutron walks into the bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"<br/> The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>I'm not positive that I get the joke.</em> -Agent ████</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> <a href="/scp-073">SCP-073</a> walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you can get a free drink if you can land this ball in the cup across the room."<br/> SCP-073 replies, "I'm sorry sir, but I don't think I'm Able."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>Investigation into how SCP-073 breached containment is still ongoing.</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first orders a drink. The second orders half a drink. The third orders a quarter of a drink. The fourth is about to order when the bartender stops him and pours two drinks.<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> "These guys need to learn their limits." -O5-█</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-█-████</strong><br/> Plasma, solid and gas walk into the bar. The bartender sees the three of them and says, "We don't serve your kinds here."<br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>"Whats the matter? Did no one else find this incident funny? I think it would make for a pretty solid joke!"</em> -Agent ████████</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Date: ██-██-████</strong></p> <p>A dyslexic man walks into a bra<br/> <br/> <strong>Notes:</strong> <em>The woman was pissed.</em> -Agent ███████</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Addendum 333-J-01:</strong> Under no circumstances may <a href="/scp-504">SCP-504</a> be taken within 10 km of SCP-333-J. -O5-█</p> <hr/> </div></body></html>
SCP-3333-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="3333-J.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-3333-j/3333-J.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-3333-J, moping.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3333-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe (but grouchy in the mornings)</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-3333-J is to remain in the second-floor Site-19 break room, because it should really socialize more often. It is to be provided a terracotta plant pot (yes, even though all its friends have plastic pots, there's nothing wrong with terracotta) and watered thrice a week with bottled water (because tap water makes it even moodier). It is not to be allowed to overnight outside, no matter how much it thinks it doesn't need a jacket.</p> <p><em>Note: SCP-3333-J apparently grows better when listening to songs by My Chemical Romance. It is allowed to do so as long as the volume is set to a reasonable level.</em></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3333-J is a juvenile potted plant. It is of the species <em>Chlorophytum comosum</em>, commonly known as the spider plant, but seems to show preference (accelerated growth) for being called the lesser-known name of “airplane plant”, as well as other names on occasion, such as sword fern, rogue’s gilliflower, damask violet, and black nightshade. Personnel are reminded to not be alarmed should SCP-3333-J show signs of apparent resentment (dropping leaves, growing mold, smelling strange) when not called these names. "Spider plant" is wholly accurate and sufficient, and SCP-3333-J will never become anything different by changing its name.</p> <p>SCP-3333-J is not allowed to spend extended hours in the outside garden, no matter how much the darkly attractive evening primrose “gets” SCP-3333-J and its deep philosophies<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup>.</p> <p>SCP-3333-J has been known on occasions to wilt when exposed to its daily sunlight. Should this occur, it is to be gently but firmly explained that sunlight is a necessity, even if its tortured and misunderstood soul believes otherwise. Exhibiting careless phototropism is unacceptable. Furthermore, it knows it is responsible for helping reduce the air pollution of the room, and how can it do that without sunlight to keep it healthy and growing?</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> SCP-3333-J is notoriously taciturn. It is noted that this behavior began when it first sprouted flowers. (See interview log)</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dr. ██████:</strong> Good morning, spider plant! You’re looking nice and leafy today. I see you grew flowers! Soon you’ll be ready to sprout cute little spiderettes. You’re growing up so fast.</p> <p><strong>SCP-3333-J:</strong> …</p> <p><strong>Dr. ██████:</strong> Oh. Okay. You're just not going to say anything?</p> <p><strong>SCP-3333-J:</strong> …</p> <p><strong>Dr. ██████:</strong> Well, if that's what you want… Wait. Is that <em>fungus</em> on the underside of your leaves?</p> <p><strong>SCP-3333-J:</strong> … [leaves rustle slightly as air conditioning picks up]</p> <p><strong>Dr. ██████:</strong> I thought I <em>told</em> you to be careful. Remember, if you get hooked on symbiotic root nodule bacteria and go making friends with the wrong crowd, you’re going to end up with root rot! I don't want that to happen!</p> <p><strong>SCP-3333-J:</strong> …</p> <p><strong>Dr. ██████:</strong> Maybe I should have been suspicious when you suddenly started sprouting flowers everywhere. You need to take care of yourself, okay?</p> <p><strong>SCP-3333-J:</strong> …</p> <p><strong>Dr. ██████:</strong> I can't buy special potting soil for you forever.</p> <p><strong>SCP-3333-J:</strong> …</p> <p><em>Note: The following day, SCP-3333-J was relocated to a corner of the break room furthest from the window. It later disappeared, and was rediscovered moping under the coffee table, having somehow tipped on its side and rolled along the ground. Personnel were advised to let the plant stay there and think about its actions.</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>Memo: <a href="/kiryu-labs-hub">Hey Rivs</a>, I think you’re being a little harsh on the plant. Maybe someone else should take care of it. —M</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>Memo: No. That plant is growing up and needs to learn from its mistakes. I know what I'm doing. —R</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p>Memo: It's just a plant. —M</p> </blockquote> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Seriously, it keeps growing in the direction of the window. I know it has a crush on this primrose, but does it really need that much of a better look?</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-334-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-334-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Due to SCP-334-J's unique nature, total containment has proven impossible, although human access to SCP-334-J is to our knowledge, only possible to the SCP Foundation, due to our resources. Nevertheless, SCP-334-J is to be patrolled weekly to search for signs of occupation or use by third parties, including any groups of interest such as the Chaos Insurgency or [DATA EXPUNGED]</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-334-J is an extradimensional "pocket" of space, although it is consistent with terrestrial physical laws. SCP-334-J is interesting in that it appears to have a low separation threshold from, or a weak boundary with, other planes of existence, including ours; and the equivalent of a negatively pressured atmosphere- resulting in numerous small, invisible gaps in our dimension, leading to SCP-334-J. For reasons yet unknown, these gaps tend to materialize indoors, most commonly in domestic bedrooms and laundry rooms. The negative pressure results in items being drawn into SCP-334-J, which for unknown reasons are always articles of clothing, and most commonly socks or leggings.</p> <p>It has been theorized that over 80% of civilian households have these small entrances to SCP-334-J, although incidents are thankfully uncommon.</p> <p>SCP-334-J's existence was entirely theoretical up until [DATA EXPUNGED], when the Foundation decided to investigate. SCP-███ was recruited, and agreed to use his abilities to locate SCP-334-J.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> Those with Level 2 Security Clearance should see Document 334-J-42</p> <p><strong>Document #334-J-42:</strong></p> <blockquote> <p>From the Personal Log of Doctor ███████████<br/> Notes from SCP-334-J Exploration-██</p> <p>…"We have secured the help of SCP-███ to allow us access to the dimensional gap, and have decided to enter through a portal under my bed. I can only guess what we will find inside."…</p> <p>"My assistants, SCP-███, and I have arrived in a massive white room, windowless and otherwise featureless except the rectangular hole we have arrived in. But the sock piles! The hills of socks of every color and style known to mankind, they go on for miles. A quick, unofficial examination of one pile reveals athletic socks, children's socks, lacy lady's tights, hiking socks, some freshly laundered, some caked in dirt, even the occasional lonely undergarment. Despite the rather rank odor we have decided to explore further. My secretary is taking notes on the apparent depth and height of the piles."…</p> <p>…"This is truly a remarkable location. The piles become nearly mountainous in their scale, and every so often one lonely foot-shaped cloth will flutter down from the ceiling like a single snowflake, and land noiselessly to increase its pile's height by another quarter inch. The contents of the piles are generally ordinary, although we have come upon several anomalies, including [DATA EXPUNGED] apparently meant for a being several hundred feet tall."…</p> <p>…"SCP-███ has become rather anxious, saying that he has seen movement among the lower hills" … "Belief confirmed with my secretary. Both were unable to describe further. At their request, I have decided to return to our point of origin"…</p> <p>…"Most unfortunately, my secretary, Mrs. ████████, who has been long-suffering through several years with me, has been consumed by the newly-discovered denizens of this area. She was behind SCP-███ and I when we heard a terrible scream, and turned around to see her being pulled by the head into a whirling Charybdis of wool and cotton. Her nylon stockings were flung off her in the process, and promptly grabbed by two fibrous tentacles and pulled into the whirlpool. Her bleached bones were deposited from a nearby pile, and "Jeffy" and I rapidly made the unanimous decision to exit the area."…</p> <p>…"while given that said piles appear to be shifting on us, and that this is the most recent of several close calls, we can only hope they do not continue to react with hostility"…</p> <p>…"In retrospect, this could have been a bad idea."</p> </blockquote> <p>Following [DATA EXPUNGED], further exploration of SCP-334-J is not allowed without O5 permission. Pending reclassification to Euclid. Further study on the recorded anomalies, potentially "sockvores" - life forms evolved within the dimension- is ongoing at this time.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-334-j">SCP-334-J</a>" by Sophia Light, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-334-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-334-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-343-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-343-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Due to SCP-343-J's method of relocation, long-term containment is not possible at this time. In order to minimize and/or isolate the area of active teleportation events, the former recreational wing of Site-59<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> has been converted into Debate Hall-343. Containment staff placed at DH-343 are to have scored at least a "Three-Alarm Habanero" on the Standard Dogmatic Spiciness Exam in either atheism or an Abrahamic faith. In the event that the latter demographic is unavailable in Foundation staff, Site Director Naismith has volunteered his grandmother to fill the role of at least 30 researchers. Staff are to debate the existence of God, the afterlife, and evolution at all times.</p> <p>Outside of DH-343, all Foundation staff are advised to keep their <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">fucking</span> arguments to them<span style="text-decoration: line-through;">fucking</span>selves during work hours <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">for realsies</span>. However, in the event that SCP-343-J is encountered outside of DH-343, it is to be told "I never thought about it that way" and/or "you are very intelligent" until it dematerializes.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-343-J is an opened, 284 mL aluminum soup can containing 13 common earthworms<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>. SCP-343-J appears to operate as a single, sapient organism, capable of high-pitched, nasal speech.</p> <p>In addition, SCP-343-J is able to teleport from one location to another. The range or extent of this ability is unknown at this time. SCP-343-J uses this ability to offer its unauthorized contributions to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">religious debates</span> anything that could potentially be redirected into a religious debate. As such, SCP-343-J has lowered Foundation morale averages by a factor of 59 since its discovery in 2013.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Incident-343-J-941</strong></p> <p><strong>Date:</strong> 3/17/14, 12:49 GMT</p> <p><begin log></p> <p><strong>Dr. Henderson:</strong> The cafeteria food here can go straight to hell.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> I dunno, this barbecue sauce is on point.</p> <p>[SCP-343-J materializes on the cafeteria table]</p> <p><strong>SCP-343-J:</strong> Excuse me! Excuse me!</p> <p><strong>Dr. Henderson:</strong> The sauce, yeah, but the meat tastes like styrofoam. Probably <em>is</em> styrofoam, now that I think about— are those <em>worms?</em></p> <p><strong>SCP-343-J:</strong> Hell doesn't exist.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> He means the food is bad, not that it could literally go to—</p> <p><strong>SCP-343-J:</strong> Nope, nope, can't go to hell, hell doesn't exist, heaven doesn't either, no scientific evidence, God doesn't exist, evolution is real, the fact that you would wish eternal damnation on anyone speaks volumes about whether or not you're a good person. Those are facts. I don't make the rules.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> We're trying to have lunch here.</p> <p><strong>SCP-343-J:</strong> Yeah, that's great and all, but you're not offering any counter-argument, so, like, are you just going on faith? Because I'm pretty sure you're a grown-ass man and shouldn't believe in fairy tales, just sayin'. I'm sure you have fun with your invisible sky homophobe and worship a zombie on a cross, but I've read all the Hitchhiker's Guide books, embrace reason and logic, and enjoy life a couple gazillion times more than you ever will, nothing personal.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> I'm an agnostic, I don't— [sigh] look, can you please just let us eat?</p> <p><strong>SCP-343-J:</strong> Woah, hey now, censorship, can't speak my mind, can't expose the truth destroy people's illusions or you'll have me stoned to death! Is <em>that</em> how you "love thy neighbor"? I know what a Higgs Boson is.</p> <p><strong>Dr. Henderson:</strong> 12:55. We better get back to work.<br/> <br/> <strong>Dr. Naismith:</strong> Oh, thank god.</p> <p><strong>SCP-343-J:</strong> Did you seriously just thank a fictional fucki[redacted for brevity]</p> <p><end log></p> </blockquote> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Due to the unavailability of standard recreational services, the ban on pornography at Site-59 has been lifted indefinitely. All staff are advised to use headphones.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. <em>Lumbricus terrestris</em></div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-343-j">SCP-343-J</a>" by daveyoufool, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-343-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-343-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3448-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="preview"> <p>Wherein the former President is unharmed.</p> </div> <div class="authorlink-wrapper"><a href="javascript:;">Calibold</a> <div class="authorbox"> <div class="authorcontent"> <div style="text-align: center;"><div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><strong>SCP-3448-J — Should Have Taken Him Sleeping</strong></p> </div> </div> <p><strong><a href="/calibri-bold-s-mega-cool-author-page">Calibold's Mega Cool Author Page</a></strong></p> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="Teddy.jpeg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-3448-j/Teddy.jpeg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-3448-J.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3448-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-3448-J is contained in a standard humanoid containment cell. All misinformation campaigns affirming the death of SCP-3448-J have been successful, and no further containment efforts are required.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3448-J is the 26th president of the United States of America, Theodore Roosevelt Jr. Despite over 160 years having passed since SCP-3448-J's birth, it has not died, and has not aged since 1/6/1919. Additionally, testing has revealed that SCP-3448-J heals extremely quickly from all forms of damage, and bears remarkable stamina and tolerance for pain. The extent of these abilities is unknown, but is evidently far greater than the Foundation is willing to test.</p> <p><strong>Discovery:</strong> SCP-3448-J's anomalous properties were discovered on 1/6/1919, after the former president emerged from his chambers having made a full recovery from his otherwise fatal ailments. Foundation forces contained the former president, and began a misinformation campaign to convince the public that SCP-3448-J had died. SCP-3448-J's doctor at the time had been present in his room, and made notes of the interaction.</p> <blockquote> <p>I am pained to confess that I had fallen asleep at the president's bedside. But I had been awoken by a strange scuffling at the door.</p> <p>I looked. My mind may have still been partially asleep, but I bear no doubts that the visage which had entered into the president's chambers was none other than Death herself.</p> <p>I remained still and silent; even in my dreary state, and faced with the passing of such a treasured and important man, I knew better than to confront Death whilst she collects her soul.</p> <p>"Theodore," she said, "Your time is up."</p> <p>She pulled back the sheets of the president's bed to reveal a messy assortment of pillows and wadded laundry. Behind Death, unseen, President Roosevelt emerged from the shadows.</p> <p><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/end-of-death-hub">"Bully," he said as he punched Death in the face.</a></p> </blockquote> <div class="more-by-calibold"> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ More by Calibold +</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- More by Calibold -</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong><span style="font-size:125%;"><a href="/calibri-bold-s-mega-cool-author-page">Calibold's Mega Cool Author Page</a></span></strong></p> <p><strong>— SCP Articles —</strong></p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <p><a href="/scp-8421">SCP-8421</a> — Ruler of Everything<br/> <a href="/scp-8228">SCP-8228</a> — Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson<br/> <a href="/scp-7178">SCP-7178</a> — A Thief In The Night<br/> <a href="/scp-7179">SCP-7179</a> — E is for Eternity<br/> <a href="/scp-6469">SCP-6469-D</a> — A BABY?????<br/> <a href="/scp-2082">SCP-2082</a> — <em>Elephas cryophilus</em><br/> <a href="/scp-6156">SCP-6156</a> — Oh, Doug!<br/> <a href="/scp-6579">SCP-6579-D</a> — The Detective Killer<br/> <a href="/scp-6900">SCP-6900-D</a> — The House of Stars<br/> <a href="/scp-5277">SCP-5277</a> — What Can Go Wrong<br/> <a href="/scp-5363">SCP-5363-D</a> — Controlled Containment<br/> <a href="/scp-3482">SCP-3482</a> — fine mayor posters campaign by dado<br/> <a href="/scp-5156">SCP-5156</a> — monke<br/> <a href="/director-bold-s-proposal-j">Director Bold's Proposal-J</a> — "Guys, please don't read our SCPs 🥺"<br/> <a href="/scp-2693">SCP-2693</a> — Fell Into The Well, Fell Into The Well, Fell Into The Deep Dark Well<br/> <a href="/scp-5559">SCP-5559-D</a> — The Great Ambrose Bake-Off!<br/> <a href="/scp-3448-j">SCP-3448-J</a> — Should Have Taken Him Sleeping<br/> <a href="/scp-4456">SCP-4456-D</a> — No One Expects The Spanish Decommission!<br/> <a href="/scp-4745">SCP-4745</a> — Spooky Scary Snowman<br/> <a href="/scp-4645">SCP-4645</a> — Blackmailing Computer</p> </div> <p><strong>— Tales —</strong></p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <p><a href="/threatini">OpusConfidant Wiki - SCP-4645 - Threatini</a><br/> <a href="/diary-of-an-existential-kid">Diary Of An Existential Kid</a><br/> <a href="/responsible-promotion">Responsible Promotion</a><br/> <a href="/friends-of-us-never-die">Friends Of Us Never Die</a><br/> <a href="/truth-lies">Truth Lies</a><br/> <a href="/a-team-you-can-maybe-trust">A Team You Can (Maybe) Trust</a><br/> <a href="/happy-father-s-day">Happy Father's Day</a><br/> <a href="/mission-decommission">Mission: Decommission</a><br/> <a href="/a-bold-choice">A Bold Choice</a><br/> <a href="/i-am-become-death">I Am Become Death</a><br/> <a href="/ulysses-b-donkman-and-the-heinous-hitman">Ulysses B. Donkman and the Heinous Hitman</a><br/> <a href="/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-eldritch">It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Eldritch</a><br/> <a href="/chapter-one-the-end">Chapter One - The End</a></p> </div> <p><strong>— GoI Formats —</strong></p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <p><a href="/manifest-476">Manifest 476: Vanishing Galleon</a><br/> <a href="/the-book-of-mathisi-chapter-1">The Book Of Mathisi, Chapter 1: The Parable Of The Three Princes</a><br/> <a href="/lte-8686-yellow-kewpie">LTE-8686-Yellow-Kewpie</a><br/> <a href="/uiu-file-2001-023">UIU File: 2001-023</a></p> </div> <p><strong>— Other —</strong></p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <p><a href="/component:customizable-acs-guide">Customizable ACS Add-On Ver. 1.8.0 Guide</a><br/> <a href="/decom-dept-hub">Decommissioning Department Hub</a><br/> <a href="/fortune-favors-hub">Fortune Favors</a><br/> <a href="/theme:decom-dept">Decommissioning Dept. Theme</a><br/> <a href="/component:customizable-acs">Customizable ACS Add-On Ver. 1.8.0</a><br/> <a href="/component:mega-cool-author-page-tool">Mega Cool Author Page Tool Ver. 1.4.0</a><br/> <a href="/theme:calibri-logos">Calibold's Mega Cool Alternate SCP Logos Page</a><br/> <a href="/calibri-s-mega-cool-art-page-it-s-mostly-just-icons-but-what">Calibold's Mega Cool Art Page</a></p> </div> <p><strong>— Co-Authored —</strong></p> <p><a href="/taste-the-rainbow">Taste The Rainbow</a> (<em>feat.</em> Luxaiko)<br/> <a href="/abraka-davids-proposal">Abraka David's Proposal</a> — A Peak Behind the Curtain (<em>feat.</em> many other authors)<br/> <a href="/scp-7400">SCP-7400</a> — Your Honor, League of Legends (<em>feat.</em> Sherf)<br/> <a href="/i-hub">I, Hub</a> (<em>feat.</em> many other authors)<br/> <a href="/resurrection-new-faces-hub">Resurrection: New Faces</a> (<em>feat.</em> Grigori Karpin, Nagiros, and redredred)<br/> <a href="/scp-5545">SCP-5545</a> — 𝙰 𝙱 𝙽 𝙾 𝚁 𝙼 𝙰 𝙻 𝙸 𝚃 𝚈 (<em>feat.</em> Yossipossi)<br/> <a href="/scp-194">SCP-194</a> — Thank You For Your Cooperation (<em>feat.</em> CityToast)</p> <p><strong>— Foreign —</strong></p> <p><a href="http://scp-int.wikidot.com/director-bold-s-proposal-la">Director Bold's Proposal</a> — Language<br/> <a href="http://scp-int.wikidot.com/scp-la-002">SCP-LA-II</a> — Fruit</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display:none;"> <p>Should Have Taken Him Sleeping</p> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3448-j">SCP-3448-J</a>" by Calibold, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3448-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3448-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-3448-j/Teddy.jpeg">https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-3448-j/Teddy.jpeg</a><br/> <strong>Name:</strong> President Roosevelt<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Library of Congress<br/> <strong>License:</strong> Public Domain<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:President_Roosevelt_-_Pach_Bros.jpg">https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:President_Roosevelt_-_Pach_Bros.jpg</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-346-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="Dog_that_attacked_a_porcupine_Golden_Retriever.jpg" class="image" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8b/Dog_that_attacked_a_porcupine_Golden_Retriever.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>That damn dog!</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-346-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Euclid</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-346-J is to be contained in a standard humanoid containment chamber at Site-19. The containment chamber should be equipped with extra padding on the walls and floor to minimize potential injury to Site-19 staff. SCP-346-J's containment chamber should have a daily cleaning schedule to remove any obstacles or debris that may exacerbate its tripping hazard ability.</p> <p>Site-19 staff members are to exercise extreme caution when entering SCP-346-J's containment chamber. It is advised to use alternative paths whenever possible to avoid accidental collisions with SCP-346-J. Personnel are required to report any incidents or near-misses to their immediate supervisor for documentation and review.</p> <p>Dr. Pearl has been designated as the primary researcher for SCP-346-J. She is responsible for conducting experiments, monitoring the object's behavior, and proposing any adjustments to the containment protocols, if necessary.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-346-J is a medium-sized dog of mixed breed, resembling a cross between a Golden Retriever and a Labrador Retriever. It possesses a friendly and docile temperament, making it approachable by personnel. However, the primary anomaly of SCP-346-J manifests when any individual attempts to walk or move within its vicinity.</p> <p>The anomalous property of SCP-346-J is its innate ability to consistently be in the way of any person moving around within its vicinity, regardless of the individual's intentions or efforts to avoid it. SCP-346-J will position itself directly in front of the person, making it extremely difficult for them to navigate the area without tripping over the dog.</p> <p>Remarkably, SCP-346-J appears to be impervious to harm from these accidents, no matter how severe. Despite being a tripping hazard, SCP-346-J has never shown any sign of injury or distress resulting from being stepped on, bumped into, or tripped over.</p> <p>The anomalous effect seems to be confined to SCP-346-J's presence and does not extend beyond its immediate vicinity. When removed from an area, the space it occupied returns to its normal state, and individuals can move freely without any obstruction.</p> <p>SCP-346-J was initially discovered in a small town near Site-19 after numerous reports of people tripping and stumbling over an "invisible obstacle" in their path. The Foundation was alerted to the situation when local law enforcement officers were unable to find any conventional explanation for the incidents.</p> <table style="border-collapse:collapse; max-width: 600px;"> <tr> <td style="font-weight:bold;padding: .3em .7em; text-align: center; border: 1px solid black; background-color: silver; width: 20%;">Experiment 346-J-1</td> <td style="font-weight:bold; padding: .3em .7em; text-align: center; border: 1px solid black; background-color: silver;"></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; padding: .3em .7em; border: 1px solid black">Procedure</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">D-346-J-1 is instructed to walk from one end of SCP-346-J's containment chamber to the other.</td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; border: 1px solid black">Results</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">As expected, SCP-346-J positions itself directly in front of D-346-J-1, causing the subject to trip over the dog. D-346-J-1 fell but did not sustain any injuries.</td> </tr> </table> <p>Analysis: The anomalous nature of SCP-346-J is consistent in its ability to be in the way and cause tripping hazards.</p> <table style="border-collapse:collapse; max-width: 600px;"> <tr> <td style="font-weight:bold;padding: .3em .7em; text-align: center; border: 1px solid black; background-color: silver; width: 20%;">Experiment 346-J-2</td> <td style="font-weight:bold; padding: .3em .7em; text-align: center; border: 1px solid black; background-color: silver;"></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; padding: .3em .7em; border: 1px solid black">Procedure</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">A remote-controlled drone is used to move SCP-346-J to the corner of its containment chamber.</td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; border: 1px solid black">Results</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">Once moved to the corner, SCP-346-J remains stationary. No anomalous effects are observed as the drone moves around the containment chamber.</td> </tr> </table> <p>Analysis: The anomaly is directly related to SCP-346-J's physical presence, rather than any environmental or psychological factors.</p> <p>It is important to note that despite the frustrations caused by SCP-346-J's ability to be consistently in the way, personnel should treat it with care and respect. It is not to be used for any practical jokes or pranks, as such actions could potentially lead to injuries and compromised security protocols. SCP-346-J should be considered an anomaly requiring containment and study rather than a mere inconvenience.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-346-j">SCP-346-J</a>" by theunknownbeyond, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-346-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-346-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <p>\|author=theunknownbeyond]]</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3467-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3467</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-3467 is to be made fun of at every opportunity. Heckling, practical jokes and pranks are good examples. Filming the more spectacular procedures is a must.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3467 is a six (6) foot tall, two hundred (200) pound man eating chicken. Subject is thirty five (35), slightly balding, dark brown hair and eyes, and slightly overweight. Name is Hank ██████████, and he has worked as a Level 1 cleanup crew for the past three years. Hank is never seen without a bucket of chicken and only stops eating it when actually working, which is a rare occurrence in itself.</p> <p>It is known that Hank still lives in his mom's basement, and hearsay amongst the female staff is that he is still a virgin.</p> <p><strong>Additional Notes:</strong> All video footage of the more impressive "procedures" performed on Hank are available in the central reading area.</p> <p><strong>Document 3467-01:</strong> "<em>Dammit guys, this isn't funny. The system still freaks out when I enter the building, and I don't have clearance to delete this stupid file. Thanks a lot, assholes.</em>" Hank ██████████</p> <p><strong>Document 3467-02:</strong> "<em>Now this is a bit unfair. I mean, it's not his fault he's fat, balding, still lives with his mom and… No, no, sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. Come on, alright, let me try it again, I'll do it properly this time, I promise.</em>" Dr.██████</p> <p><strong>Document 3467-03:</strong> In accordance with SCP protocols associated with this item, the following record of Special Containment Procedures carried out by Dr. Gears is submitted.</p> <p>After Incident [DATA EXPUNGED]. With its incapacitation, <a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a> regeneration was being monitored via a sealed observation booth. This booth projected twelve feet into the current containment area, constructed of transparent super dense plastic developed by [DATA EXPUNGED]. SCP-3467 was instructed to clean the observation booth. When SCP-3467 was at the far end to the booth, the security door was locked.</p> <p>The sounds of SCP-3467 attempting to escape and Dr. Gears's uncontrollable laughter attracted the attention of a 67% regenerated <a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a>. <a href="/scp-682">SCP-682</a> attempted to attack SCP-3467; however, its current state posed no danger to the structural stability of the booth.</p> <p>Dr. Gears observed SCP-3467 to emit a loud, extremely high-pitched scream not unlike a small female child. SCP-3467 proceeded to whimper like said small child and ask for “Mommy”. SCP-3467 was instructed to “bark like a dog” if he wished to exit the booth. SCP-3467 proceeded to bark like a small, frightened canine for 48 seconds, after which the security door was opened.</p> <p>It was observed that SCP-3467 had defecated himself at some point during the event.</p> <p>Recordings of the event are available via a request to Central Records, or Dr. Gears.</p> <p><em>“He got on all fours when he barked; I didn’t even ask him to do that!”</em> – Dr. Gears</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3467-j">SCP-3467-J</a>" by Kain Pathos Crow, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3467-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3467-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3472-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <table class="scale EN-base"> <tr> <td class="class1"> <h1><span><span class="base false EN">2/3472-J</span> LEVEL <span class="base false EN">2/3472-J</span></span></h1> <h1><span>CLASSIFIED</span></h1> </td> <td class="class1image" rowspan="2"><img alt="classified-lv2.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/component%3Aclassified-decoration-base/classified-lv2.png"/></td> <td class="item1 EN"> <h1><span>Item #: SCP-3472-J</span></h1> <h1><span>Object Class: Safe</span></h1> </td> </tr> </table> <hr/> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-3472-J is to be stored inside a padded locker in the High Value Anomalous Object Storage wing of Site 56. No further containment measures are necessary.</p> <p>On the order of Site Director Agatha Drummond, testing of SCP-3472-J is to be held indefinitely.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3472-J is a 500 mL glass vial filled with a viscous, semi-translucent blue substance. The contents of the bottle replenish at a rate of 5 mL/hour while not full. Foreign substances are blocked from entering SCP-3472-J by an invisible barrier.</p> <p>5 minutes after an individual ingests more than 20 mL of SCP-3472-J's contents, they will enter a comatose state lasting between 2 and 5 hours. Upon waking, subjects report experiencing vivid dreams from the point of view of a man named "Jamison Maddox" (hereby referred to as SCP-3472-1-J). Recovered documentation suggests that such dreams share an internally consistent if anachronistically presented timeline.</p> <p>SCP-3472-J was recovered during a raid on the residence of Annetta Maddox. Ms. Maddox had been chronicling her usage of SCP-3472-J in a journal prior to recovery. Unfortunately, Ms. Maddox perished during the raid and was therefore unable to be questioned.</p> <p>Among Ms. Maddox's possessions was the following letter, allegedly written by SCP-3472-1-J:</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ DOCUMENT 3472-J-B</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Access Granted</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div class="page"> <p><span style="font-size:125%;">My beloved daughter,<br/> <br/> In time, no doubt, you'll come to hate me for the things I've done. I admit to my cowardice, my foolishness, the sickening simian frame of mind that colored my sins.<br/> <br/> I will not defend my actions. All I ask is that you come to understand the <span style="color: blue">why</span> of it.<br/> <br/></span></p> <div style="text-align: right;"> <p>Jamison Maddox</p> </div> <br/></div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Access Granted</a></div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><span style="font-size:150%;"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ TESTING LOG</a></span></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><span style="font-size:150%;"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">ACCESS GRANTED</a></span></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <table style="border-collapse:collapse; max-width: 600px;"> <tr> <td style="font-weight:bold;padding: .3em .7em; text-align: center; border: 1px solid black; background-color: silver; width: 20%;">EXPERIMENT 001</td> <td style="font-weight:bold; padding: .3em .7em; text-align: center; border: 1px solid black; background-color: silver;"></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; padding: .3em .7em; border: 1px solid black">Subject</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">Dr. <a href="/rammer-jammer-yellow-hammer-hub">Jeremiah Cimmerian</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; padding: .3em .7em; border: 1px solid black">Protocol</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">Dr. Cimmerian will ingest 20 mL of SCP-3472-J's contents, after which he will record his experiences.</td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; border: 1px solid black">Results</td> <td style="border: 1px solid black; padding: .3em .7em;">While attempting to drink from SCP-3472-J, Dr. Cimmerian fumbled and accidentally dropped it onto the floor. SCP-3472-J shattered upon impact, and did not retain anomalous properties.</td> </tr> </table> <blockquote> <p><em>"If anyone needs me, I'll be off sulking in a corner while command transfers me into D-Class."</em> - Dr. Cimmerian</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3472-j">SCP-3472-J</a>" by UraniumEmpire, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3472-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3472-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3560-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div style="float:right; margin:0 2em 1em 2em; width:300px; border:0;"> <table class="wiki-content-table"> <tr> <td colspan="2"><img alt="SCPTheDiscerningGentleman.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-3560-j/SCPTheDiscerningGentleman.jpg" width="300px"/></td> </tr> <tr> <th colspan="2">SCP-3560-J: "No, no, NO! When will you imbeciles learn?! The milk goes in <em>BEFORE</em> the tea!"</th> </tr> </table> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3560-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-3560-J is to be held in <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">a standard humanoid containment cell with anti-reality bending suppressors</span> a spacious room, decorated and outfitted in the style of a traditional English manor drawing room. A very fine, life-sized painting of SCP-3560-J holding a pipe and wearing hunting attire should be hung above the fireplace. SCP-3560-J is to be permitted a black labrador as a pet. SCP-3560-J is to be allowed long walks in the countryside and -</p> <p><strong>Update:</strong> <em>Project Lead Doctor Simmons was caught in the middle of making alterations to the start of the Special Containment Procedures as seen above<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup>. Doctor Simmons has been temporarily relieved of duty and is currently undergoing screening for memetic contamination by SCP-3560-J. An accurate Special Containment Procedures document will be published shortly.</em></p> <p>Under no circumstances are the beverages tea, coffee or related drinks to enter within a 100-meter radius of SCP-3560-J, except during approved testing. On special request from Doctor Simmons, SCP-3560-J can be served English Breakfast tea with milk, made to exact specifications<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>.</p> <p><strong>Note from Doctor Simmons to all site staff -</strong> I realise everyone in Sector B hates this ban, and me by extension. I know the Foundation runs on caffeine… but until we can rule out exactly what's safe and what isn't, I'm not taking any chances. Just be thankful it's out of range of the cafeteria.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3560-J, also known in urban myth as "The Discerning Gentleman", "The Tea Gentlemen", "T-Man" or "The Tea Nazi", is a humanoid entity with the appearance of a wealthy 19th century English "gentleman". SCP-3560-J speaks in an upper-class English accent and wears clothing and accouterments typical to English gentry of the 1880's period<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup>.</p> <p>SCP-3560-J was considered an urban legend until the Foundation was called in to investigate a string of bizarre murders across the USA, ultimately resulting in the discovery of SCP-3560-J and its eventual capture<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup>.</p> <p>Although sounding and appearing human, SCP-3560-J has a modus operandi with anomalous effects. People visited by SCP-3560-J (hereby referred to as "subjects") appear to be picked at random, however they all have one common circumstance. SCP-3560-J materializes close to a subject when the subject is making a cup of the beverage tea - typically of the English Breakfast variety, with milk. SCP-3560-J produces a mild memetic effect on the subject. After the subject's initial surprise they appear to accept SCP-3560-J's presence, treating 'him' like an irritating friend, or cantankerous older relative<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup>.</p> <p>After appearing, SCP-3560-J proceeds to critically evaluate the quality of the subject's tea-making process, according to SCP-3560-J's own - very specific - standards. SCP-3560-J typically begins with polite remarks and suggestions to improve the final product, but can become increasingly irate, and in some cases homicidal, should the subject not meet the high standards that SCP-3560-J demands.</p> <p>These include examples such as precise tea to milk ratio, quantity of milk in teacup, length of time to steep tea leaves, the temperature of the tea, aesthetics of teacup, etc<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup>. If the subject survives to the point of serving the tea, SCP-3560-J tastes it before delivering a final verdict; gives verbal advice or punishment as appropriate, and then de-materialises<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-7" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-7')">7</a></sup>.</p> <p><strong>Capture and Containment:</strong><br/> SCP-3560-J was eventually captured on [██-██-20██] by luring it into containment. 30 D-Class personnel were used to make tea in different methods known to anger SCP-3560-J. The procedure was also successful thanks to the assistance of <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1867">Lord Blackwood</a> and by abusing the appearance and abilities of <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2649">SCP-2649</a><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-8" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-8')">8</a></sup>.</p> <p>Current Foundation technology installed at SCP-3560-J's containment chamber prevents SCP-3560-J from being able to de-materialise or leave the premises. SCP-3560-J's other anomalous abilities seem to be unaffected.</p> <p>Since its capture, SCP-3560-J has exhibited unpredictable behaviour. At some times it is co-operative with researchers - seemingly resigned to its fate - and can be conversed with. At other times it is openly hostile, or displays symptoms of depression and becomes unresponsive. Placating SCP-3560-J with tea made to its exacting standards has proved an effective means of curbing its mood swings.</p> <p>So far, experiments and interviews have revealed little about SCP-3560-J's origins, background or true nature, aside from its obsessive fixation with tea. A common topic of SCP-3560-J's conversations with staff are lamentations on how tea-making standards have dropped in the past century. SCP-3560-J refers to itself only as "a discerning gentleman".</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>"Let me ask you again, Doctor. In this wonderous age of technical wizardry and false idols, is it too much to ask that if one is to make a cup of tea, they do it <em>right</em>? It vexes me, I tell you. It…. vexes me. Where's the quality? The pride in a job well done? Pass the sugar please, there's a good chap."</strong><br/> <em>SCP-3560-J</em></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>"He may be a psychotic bastard but I have to admit, he knows how to make a damned good cup of tea."</strong><br/> <em>D-28905</em></p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Addenda</strong></p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Selected Experiment Log Extracts</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Full Experiment Log available on request.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><strong>Experiment Log Summaries</strong><br/> Note: All experiment subjects are D-Class personnel unless otherwise stated.<br/> <br/> <strong>Experiment Number:</strong> T-008<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> Make Earl Grey tea in SCP-3560-J's presence (using teabag).<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong> As soon as SCP-3560-J noticed the teabag in the cup was Earl Grey, SCP-3560-J swept its arm across the table, knocking over the experiment's set-up and badly scalding D-1084. Experiment aborted.<br/> <strong>SCP-3560-J:</strong> "Not that bloody dog's piss again! Get it OUT OF MY SIGHT!"<br/> <br/> <strong>Experiment Number:</strong> T-12<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> Tea was made to standards known to appease SCP-3560-J. However, the tea was served in a large mug with the message "I heart T"<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-9" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-9')">9</a></sup>.<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong> SCP-3560-J stated the tea was passable, but chided the subject for her "vulgar taste", "childlike behaviour" and "complete lack of refinement".<br/> <br/> <strong>Experiment Number:</strong> T-21<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> D-Class personnel given appropriate equipment to make high quality cafetiere coffee, and instructed to make coffee in SCP-3560-J's presence.<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong> SCP-3560-J initially disregarded the subject and the activity, merely tutting and watching out of the corner of its eye. Eventually the subject accidentally spilt some coffee grinds, prompting a response from SCP-3560-J. It sighed and stood up, saying "It's really not my cup of tea, but if you will <em>insist</em> on making it in front of me, will you at least put some effort into it?". SCP-3560-J then (somewhat half-heartedly) slapped the subject in the face with its gloves a number of times, and proceeded to instruct the subject in how to make a "good cup of coffee". SCP-3560-J refused to try the result, but let the subject off with a broken wrist and a shouted warning to Doctor Simmons not to taunt it with inferior beverages again.<br/> <br/> <strong>Experiment Number</strong>: T-25<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> D-28732 was told to make tea however they prefer, in the presence of SCP-3560-J.<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong> Excerpt of recorded audio:<br/> <em>SCP-3560-J (Screaming):</em><br/> <strong>"I SAID…"</strong><br/> <em>Cracking noise</em><br/> <strong>"STEEP THE BAG…"</strong><br/> <em>Cracking noise</em><br/> <strong>"FOR TWO MINUTES!"</strong><br/> <em>Crunching noise.</em><br/> (Subject D-28732 expired 2 minutes later.)<br/> <br/> <strong>Experiment Number:</strong> T-83<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> <a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2649">SCP-2649</a> transported to SCP-3560-J's chamber, 2 hours after feeding<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-10" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-10')">10</a></sup> (appropriate security measures in place). D-Class personnel instructed to make a pot of tea using SCP-2649.<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong><br/> SCP-3560-J immediately regarded SCP-2649 with fear, rising to intense horror (note that to this point, SCP-2649 had remained immobile). SCP-3560-J then crossed itself three times, backed away slowly and eventually cowered in the corner of the chamber, arms over its head - whimpering and muttering unintelligible words under its breath. SCP-3560-J then started to shout out, pleading with Doctor Simmons "take it away, please, I beg you!". These pleas continued until SCP-2649 became semi-active once the D-Class personnel started preparing the tea. Upon seeing this, SCP-3560-J [REMAINDER OF EXPERIMENT REDACTED]. Doctor Simmons later apologised profusely to SCP-3560-J, and has since put a temporary hold on cross-testing it with SCP-2649.<br/> <br/> <strong>Experiment Number:</strong> T-103<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> A modern branded luxury tea and coffee making appliance was set up in SCP-3560-J's containment chamber by a D-Class subject. The subject was instructed to make a cup of tea using the appropriate preset button. Note: All relevant ingredients are pre-stored inside the device, with the beverage-making process also performed entirely within the machine - eventually pouring the final product into a cup placed in the machine's receptacle.<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong><br/> As soon as D-2489 entered the chamber carrying the device, SCP-3560-J eyed the machine with great suspicion. When D-2489 turned it on and started the tea program, SCP-3560-J approached the machine with a look of intense disgust. Twenty seconds into the process SCP-3560-J started screaming obscenities at the machine. By forty seconds into the process, SCP-3560-J, still screaming, had begun beating it furiously with its cane.<br/> By the fifty-second mark, SCP-3560-J's screams had risen in pitch and volume to a piercing sound, as Doctor Simmons described it; "a banshee's shriek". The beverage machine, although damaged, was still functioning (and being quite heavy, it had remained in place). At one minute into the process, the volume of SCP-3560-J's shriek had reached over 200 decibels and burst D-2489's eardrums (who was now beating on the chamber door, begging to be let out). SCP-3560-J was now clawing at the device with its hands and beating at it. SCP-3560-J then - still shrieking - moved swiftly to grab D-2489, and with inhuman strength started to pound D-2489's head and upper body onto the machine, using D-2489's hair as leverage. The device (and D-2489) finally expired under this frenzied assault. SCP-3560-J, still panting but no longer shrieking, wiped its brow with its handkerchief, and in a threatening tone warned Doctor Simmons never to insult it in such a manner again; "lest you want to see the very depths of Hell with your own two eyes!". Testing was suspended for 2 weeks after this incident, until SCP-3560-J had sufficiently calmed to resume experimentation.<br/> <strong>Experiment Number:</strong> T-128<br/> <strong>Experiment Overview:</strong> Regular tea-making test using a baseline tea-set, one of a series of experiments to gauge SCP-3560-J's shifting standards over time. Tea was made by D-33012, an elderly female of British descent.<br/> <strong>Experiment Results:</strong><br/> SCP-3560-J observed the tea-making process closely, at times peering centimetres from D-33012's handiwork. The subject was exacting in her movements and decisions, making no apparent mistakes. Unusually, SCP-3560-J stayed almost completely silent during the process, occasionally scratching its head with a puzzled expression, and only vocalising occasional "hmmm"s, and at one point "ahhh!".<br/> After D-33012 offered SCP-3560-J the cup of tea and SCP-3560-J tasted it, the entity broke into a grin, declaring with enthusiasm: "Wonderful! Exquisite! Superb! A triumph… a marvel! Madam, you have achieved perfection! This sorry world does not deserve you, the Heavens await!". On saying these words, a cylindrical and blinding bright white light appeared around D-33012. One second later, with a surprised expression, D-33012 vanished, along with the light. SCP-3560-J then swooned loudly, dabbing a handkerchief on its forehead, and collapsed.<br/> SCP-3560-J came to one hour later, telling Doctor Simmons: "It was the best cup of tea I've ever had, Doctor, and she deserved to be rewarded handsomely. You see, there are some good people left in the world, after all! It makes it all worthwhile!" Subsequent scans and searches of the Site housing SCP-3560-J were unsuccessful in locating D-33012 and the subject's whereabouts remain a mystery. A background check revealed that in middle age the subject had served as a senior maid in the British Royal Household. For the next 3 weeks, SCP-3560-J's demeanour was noticeably more positive than usual, with SCP-3560-J also disregarding many "infractions" during tea-making experiments which would normally incur its ire.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>End of Experiment Log Summary</strong></p> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Appendix A - Guidelines for making tea to SCP-3560-J's specifications.*</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">__Guidelines for making tea to SCP-3560-J's specifications__</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p><strong>Note from Doctor Simmons: The following document is full of minutae which is probably only of interest to testers and true tea aficionados. The rest of you (i.e. normal people), might want to skip this appendix.</strong></p> <p>The following methods for making tea have proven, on average, not to incur the wrath of SCP-3560-J. Due to SCP-3560-J's whims changing on a daily basis, only D-Class personnel should perform the process, and serve the tea. <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Any leftover tea, cakes, scones or biscuits (especially HobNobs) from successful experiments should be handed over to Doctor Simmons for "testing"</span> - <strong>Note</strong> - Please disregard the previous statement. Doctor Simmons has been reprimanded for editing an SCP document for his own personal gain.</p> <p><strong>Tea Ware</strong><br/> Matching tea sets are preferred. Note that SCP-3560-J does <em>not</em> like pink flowers as decoration on teaware, as they "make it feel sick". Imagery of cats should also be avoided as SCP-3560-J considers them "Infernal Creatures".</p> <ul> <li><strong>Teacup, saucers, sugar bowls, milk jugs</strong>: Decorative, antique; made of porcelain or bone china. Teacups should fit neatly into the saucers and not slip when tilted at shallow angles. Doctor Simmons requests vigilance as "SCP-3560-J keeps smashing these expensive tea sets for silly mistakes we could have prevented in advance".</li> <li><strong>Teapot</strong> (if appropriate - SCP-3560-J prefers tea made with loose tea leaves): Decorative, antique; made of silver or porcelain. Never use a glass teapot as it is a particularly nasty weapon in the hands of SCP-3560-J should things go badly.</li> <li><strong>Tea Cosy</strong> (if appropriate): Decorative, knitted with sheep's wool. SCP-3560-J does not like overly-embroidered tea cosies, or for them to be too fluffy: "Its supposed to be a tea cosy, not a bloody cloud!".</li> <li><strong>Tea Strainer</strong> (if appropriate): Antique; made of silver.</li> <li><strong>Tea Spoons</strong>: Decorative, antique; made of silver. Ensure teaspoons are well polished, as SCP-3560-J is a particular stickler for checking this, and also enjoys looking at its own reflection in a teaspoon.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Ingredients</strong><br/> A full list of preferred brands, ingredient sources, and experiment logs using such ingredients is available on request. Staff are reminded that office sweepstakes based on SCP-3560-J's reaction to popular brands of tea are not only unprofessional, but subject to official reprimand.</p> <p>General guidelines:</p> <ul> <li><strong>Type of Tea</strong>: SCP-3560-J overwhelmingly prefers English Breakfast Tea, it is not recommended to serve other types of tea to SCP-3560-J unless approved by the Project Leader (see experiment logs). According to SCP-3560-J, there is no finer tea than English Breakfast Tea, and we are foolish inbreds to even consider that other types of tea could reach its unparalleled greatness.</li> <li><strong>Tea leaves</strong>: SCP-3560-J prefers loose tea leaves steeped using a teapot. Imported, high-quality tea leaves bought from boutique companies have proved the most well-received. Be sure that loose tea leaves are stored properly between experiments, as SCP-3560-J can always tell.</li> <li><strong>Tea bags</strong>: SCP-3560-J is picky about preferred brands, bemoaning factory-produced tea bags. In blind tests, however, SCP-3560-J can often not tell the difference, in some cases reacting more positively to popular home brand tea bags than expensive loose tea leaves. SCP-3560-J considers tea bags which the user must fill themselves a "faff" and a lazy alternative to making "a good and proper pot of tea".</li> <li><strong>Milk</strong>: Use full fat cow's milk. Using half-fat, low fat, or milk from other animals is liable to anger SCP-3560-J. Since the numerous fatalities and containment chamber damage incurred during incident TI-23, testing with human breast milk is now strictly forbidden.</li> <li><strong>Sugar</strong>: SCP-3560-J usually prefers sugar cubes to loose (granulated) sugar, and a selection of both white and brown sugar in separate sugar bowls should be available. SCP-3560-J takes sugar depending on it's mood, although never more than two cubes or spoonfuls. It is recommended not to add sugar in advance, and let SCP-3560-J advise the correct amount, or help itself. SCP-3560-J has also been observed sneaking sugar cubes into its waistcoat pocket and sucking them discreetly when it feels it is being unobserved. Anyone noticing this in SCP-3560-J's presence should not comment on the fact, and pretend it did not happen, for their own safety.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Tea Making Process</strong><br/> The following processes are fairly reliable in placating SCP-3560-J. Exact measurements for different sets of teaware and ingredients can be requested from the Project Lead.</p> <p><strong>Note from Doctor Simmons:</strong> Valuable subjects or staff making tea for SCP-3560-J should practice in advance, with other people closely scrutinising their process and criticising it. Researcher Barry Hayes is particularly good at playing the part of SCP-3560-J, Barry can make you feel like a real shit, a worthless worm, a piece of <em>scum</em> who can't even make a cup of tea right. You know what, I think Barry's a bad person. Don't expect to see Barry around here any more, I'm going to get him transferred. Barry, if you're reading this, you shouldn't have made a grown man cry.</p> <p><em>Using Tea Bags</em></p> <ul> <li>Place teabag in cup (gently).</li> <li>Pour milk into cup to roughly the width of an average adult's forefinger worth. Do <em>not</em> touch the milk with your fingers to attempt to measure this, (if you value those fingers). The perfect amount of milk depends on the size of the cup and the quantity of tea leaves in the bag.</li> <li>Boil water. Pour into cup when the water temperature is between 90-100 degrees centigrade (96 degrees centigrade has proven the most successful temperature to appease SCP-3560-J). Again, do not finger test this unless you want to burn your fingers. Use instinct and practice to determine temperature. SCP-3560-J considers thermometers cheating and says they are only good for sticking up your [REDACTED].</li> <li>Let tea bag steep for approximately two minutes. Perfect time depends on the type of tea used, the amount of tea used, the size of the cup and the amount of milk used. Refer to further documentation. SCP-3560-J does permit use of his pocketwatch for timing purposes, although never attempt to touch the watch as this is considered extremely bad manners by SCP-3560-J (and the pocketwatch makes for a painful weapon)</li> <li>Carefully remove tea bag using teaspoon and discard on a separate saucer or appropriate disposal basket. If discarded on a saucer, quickly remove from SCP-3560-J's close vicinity (it dislikes mess).</li> <li>Stir until tea and milk are sufficiently mixed (the liquid should be a consistent light brown colour). Remove teaspoon and place on a separate saucer or wipe with cloth/napkin. SCP-3560-J does not tolerate colour charts to ascertain the correct colour: "are you decorating, Sir, or making a cup of tea? If you don't hurry up and put that away, I'll be sure to "decorate" your face with these gloves!"</li> <li>Add sugar if requested, using a teaspoon. If possible, do not use the same teaspoon used to stir the tea, as SCP-3560-J dislikes "contamination" of sugar in a sugar bowl.</li> </ul> <p><em>Using Tea Pots</em><br/> As above, but with the following changes:</p> <ul> <li>Place the appropriate amount of tea into the teapot at the start of the process. The correct amount depends on the size of teapot, the strength of tea, and the number of cups of tea required. <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Don't forget to pour an extra cup for Doctor Simmons to bring to him afterwards.</span></li> <li>Water stipulations are the same as for tea bags, but the water should be poured to fill the teapot.</li> <li>Steep the tea leaves for four minutes on average before pouring. The exact time depends on a number of factors such as the size of the teapot and strength of leaves. During this time, do not stir or disturb the tea. SCP-3560-J sometimes calls this period "quiet time" or "thinking time", yet will often use this opportunity to point out multiple flaws in the server's process up to this point.</li> <li>Use tea strainer or internal teapot strainer to remove tea leaves as you pour tea into teacup. Where possible avoid rogue tea leaves from entering the teacup (a small amount is acceptable). Note that SCP-3560-J does not believe in traditional psychic tea leaves "readings", calling it the realm of "those dirty gypsies".</li> <li>Pour any additional cups of tea if required <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">DON'T FORGET DOCTOR SIMMONS</span>. Cover teapot with a tea cosy if enough hot water remains for more cups.</li> <li>Additional cups of tea after the first batch can be served if there is enough tea remaining in the pot. However, SCP-3560-J has strict standards on the strength and temperature of additional cups from the same pot. Exercise extreme caution.</li> <li>Do not add additional hot water to tea leaves if there is not enough water remaining for an additional cup. Instead, start the process from scratch.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Accompanying Foods</strong><br/> (See extra documentation for more information on foodstuffs.)</p> <p>Serving tea with certain foodstuffs is acceptable or even desirable to SCP-3560-J. Traditional accompaniments such as freshly-baked scones (served with butter and jam), cakes, or biscuits are the most tolerated foodstuffs. In SCP-3560-J's earshot, "scones" should always be pronounced as though it rhymes with "owns". Failure to do so will brand you a commoner in SCP-3560-J's eyes, with</p> <p>SCP-3560-J's self-professed favourite tea accompaniment is fruit scones served with butter and raspberry jam. It is also quite partial to chocolate digestive biscuits, although it never dips biscuits into tea, calling such actions reprehensible and immoral. It will severely punish anyone it spots attempting a "dirty dunk".</p> </div> </div> </div> <p><strong>Interview Log - CLASSIFIED, REQUIRES LEVEL 4 SECURITY CLEARANCE</strong><br/> <strong>Extended Experiment Log - CLASSIFIED, REQUIRES LEVEL 4 SECURITY CLEARANCE</strong></p> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Doctor Simmons was heard to shout "But we must treat him like a proper gentleman!" whilst being dragged away from his terminal by security.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. See Appendix A for full instructions.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Doctor Simmons: Attempts to remove SCP-3560-J's clothing in favour of standard Site garb should no longer be attempted, following serious injury of three personnel (one of whom had to have SCP-3560-J's walking cane removed from up his [REDACTED]).</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. Previous sightings of SCP-3560-J were reported in the United Kingdom, Ireland and New Zealand. Quote from SCP-3560-J: "In truth Doctor, it dismayed me to see how far standards had slipped… <em>degenerated</em>. I did what I could, you know, but I fear it's a losing battle. The longer you keep me in this infernal prison, the worse it gets out there. I beg you, release me!"</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. Doctor Simmons: Note that SCP-3560-J did not react favourably at all when D-8342 referred to him as "a grumpy old bastard". Testing had to be suspended for a week after that incident, until he'd calmed down.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. A full list of SCP-3560-J's recorded demands is available on request.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-7"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-7')">7</a>. Subjects who incur punishment from SCP-3560-J may receive a verbal reprimand or physical violence, ranging from slaps to severe beatings. The most serious victims of SCP-3560-J were beaten to death with SCP-3560-J's walking cane, to the point of unrecognition. In 3 cases the tea-making implements were used as weaponry to inflict fatal wounds, including one case where a tea-spoon was used to [REDACTED].</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-8"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-8')">8</a>. An entity with the appearance of a teapot with arachnid legs. <strong>Note from Doctor Simmons:</strong> SCP-2649 seems to terrify SCP-3560-J. Further testing between the two has been approved.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-9"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-9')">9</a>. The heart* being a red stylised heart icon.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-10"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-10')">10</a>. When SCP-2649 tends to be less mobile.</div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-371-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="371-j.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-371-j/371-j.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-371-J in containment</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-371-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Neutralized (Formerly Euclid)</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> N/A</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-371-J is a single, shelled <em>Arachis hypogaea</em><sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup> seed possessing cognitohazardous properties. When SCP-371-J is perceived by a human subject, they will begin laughing with varying intensity. The intensity at which laughter is induced is dependent on the amount of time a subject has spent working at a Foundation site, regardless of position or security clearance. Observed effects range from the spontaneous onset of pneumothorax<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup> on civilians to a moderate smile among various site directors. Subjects exposed to SCP-371-J will continue to laugh until they expire or SCP-371-J is removed from their vicinity.</p> <p>It is currently unknown why SCP-371-J's properties are related to the Foundation. Research into its creation, motives, and possible suspects responsible are currently under investigation.</p> <p><strong>Discovery:</strong> SCP-371-J was discovered following the death of 43 civilians in a Tokyo art exhibit, with all causes of death being attributed to a lack of oxygen. Foundation agents successfully located and contained SCP-371-J. Two personnel suffered injuries from falling after losing consciousness due to excessive laughter.</p> <p><strong>Testing Log:</strong> The following logs demonstrate the effects of SCP-371-J on various Foundation personnel.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> D-1221<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 1 day<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Pneumothorax affecting the left lung. Subject expired before treatment could be administered.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> D-11424<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 5 months<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject laughed uncontrollably until losing consciousness.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> Researcher Rex<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 1 year<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Laughed uncontrollably until SCP-371-J was removed from his presence. Subject suffered a minor headache and abdominal pain caused by lack of oxygen and laughter respectively.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> Dr. Everwood<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 6 years<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject laughed moderately. No negative side effects were found.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> Dr. Walters<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 16 years<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject laughed briefly upon initial exposure before becoming silent again.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> Dr. Gears<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 28 years<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject verbally expressed mild annoyance at the presence of SCP-371-J at the start of the test and did not exhibit a noticeable change in attitude or expression throughout the duration.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Personnel:</strong> Janitor Worth<br/> <strong>Time Employed by the Foundation:</strong> 59 years<br/> <strong>Results:</strong> Subject destroyed SCP-371-J's shell and consumed its contents. Upon being questioned, subject replied <a href="/licensing-guide">"Trust me, I am doing you a favor."</a> Following this event, SCP-371-J's anomalous properties did not manifest, and the anomaly was reclassified as Neutralized.</p> </blockquote> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Peanut</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Collapsed lung</div> </div> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <div class="collection"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">More From This Author</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">More From This Author</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <table style="1px solid black; width: 100%;"> <tr> <th class="namerow" colspan="2"><div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p>Uncle Nicolini's Works</p> </div> </div></th> </tr> <tr> <th class="titlecolumn">SCPs</th> <th class="articlecolumn"><div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-3756">SCP-3756</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-pl-274">SCP-PL-274</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-3923">SCP-3923</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-7260">SCP-7260</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-6512">SCP-6512</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-8984">SCP-8984</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-2910-jp">SCP-2910-JP</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-3863">SCP-3863</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/scp-2983">SCP-2983</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> 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class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/critter-profile-sandra-and-george">Critter Profile: Sandra And George!</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/the-hermit-death-and-the-devil">The Hermit, Death, and The Devil</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/who-wants-to-live-forever">Who Wants To Live Forever?</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/fanfa">Fanfa</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/sc-99-734-01-506">SC-99/734/01/506</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/borne-on-the-fm-waves-of-the-heart">Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/sublimation">Sublimation</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div 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</div></th> </tr> <tr> <th class="titlecolumn">Other</th> <th class="articlecolumn"><div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/ode-to-the-unknown-author">Ode To The Unknown Author</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/uncle-nicolini-author-page">uncle nicolini author page</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> <div class="list-pages-item"> <p><a href="/sciptember-2022-art">Sciptember 2022 Art Highlights</a> <span class="collectiondot">•</span></p> </div> </div></th> </tr> </table> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-371-j">SCP-371-J</a>" by Uncle Nicolini, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-371-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-371-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> 371-j.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/uncle-nicolini" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(3487700); return false;"><img alt="Uncle Nicolini" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=3487700&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1733215841" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=3487700)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/uncle-nicolini" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(3487700); return false;">Uncle Nicolini</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-371-j">SCP Foundation Wiki</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3790-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="info-container"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div> <p>Coming Soon - Rounderhouse</p> </div> <hr/> <div id="u-author_block"> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.scp-wiki.net/rounderhouse-s-author-page">▸ More by this Author ◂</a></p> </div> <hr/> <div id="u-comments2" style="display: none;"> <p>{$comments2}</p> </div> <div class="u-faq"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/component:info-ayers">F.A.Q.</a></p> </div> <div style="display: none;"> <p>{$doesthisfixthebug}</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="anom-bar-container item-3790-J clear-5 safe none dark notice {$american}"> <div class="anom-bar"> <div class="top-box"> <div class="top-left-box"><span class="item">Item#:</span> <span class="number">3790-J</span></div> <div class="top-right-box"> <div class="level">Level5</div> </div> </div> <div class="bottom-box"> <div class="text-part"> <div class="main-class"> <div class="contain-class"> <div class="class-category">Containment Class:</div> <div class="class-text">safe</div> </div> <div class="second-class"> <div class="class-category">Secondary Class:</div> <div class="class-text">none</div> </div> </div> <div class="disrupt-class"> <div class="class-category">Disruption Class:</div> <div class="class-text">dark</div> </div> <div class="risk-class"> <div class="class-category">Risk Class:</div> <div class="class-text">notice</div> </div> </div> <div class="diamond-part"> <div class="danger-diamond"><a href="/classification-committee-memo">link to memo</a><br/> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="petsmart.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-3790-j/petsmart.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>Entrance to SCP-3790-J.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> An armed guard is to be stationed outside the entrance at all times, with orders to terminate any individual attempting to enter SCP-3790-J. Once a day, this guard is to enter SCP-3790-J and maintain all contained entities, with orders to terminate any entity approaching the door.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3790-J is the Colonial Shopping Plaza PetSmart in Miami, Florida, now abandoned. It is accessible through the large automatic doors at the front of the store<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup>. A paper sign is taped to the inside of the door, reading "SEALED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">HEALTH</span> ABNORMALITIES".<br/></p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">The remainder of this file has been locked by O5 order.</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Lock Overriden</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div style="text-align: left;"> <p>The interior of SCP-3790-J is structured similar to a standard PetSmart<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>. The store is divided into several aisles and walkways, with four checkouts at the front. Only one of these checkouts is open at a time; it is unclear whether this is also an anomalous effect.</p> <p>The vast majority of SCP-3790-J is empty, excluding four aisles near the back of the store. Each of these aisles contains four animal habitats, excluding Aisle Four. Each habitat contains an entity, is marked with a phrase written in Sharpie permanent marker, and has all openings sealed shut.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 3790J.1:</strong> Chamber Contents</p> <p><em><strong>Aisle One: Common Pets</strong></em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat One</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "This feels like the obvious solution…"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A small glass tank containing a concrete figurine. The tank also contains a large amount of brown waste, which appears to be piling out of a makeshift litterbox. The figurine is unmoving.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Two</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "Will try to sell you 'cures', just say no"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A large glass tank containing a common mallard, wearing a porcelain mask fitted to its bill. The habitat also contains several surgical implements, which the duck uses to threaten personnel while quacking.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Three</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "He has self-esteem issues"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A small wooden crate, nailed shut on all sides. A soft sobbing can be heard from inside.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Four</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "Must be antimemetic or something"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> <a href="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-055">Reptile tank, contains a common chameleon.</a></p> </blockquote> <p><em><strong>Aisle Two: Aquatic</strong></em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat One</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "So that's why you can't touch it anymore"<br/> <strong>Habitat:</strong> A dry fishtank containing a small shark. The shark swims around in the empty air, and has several bruises on its snout.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Two</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "Don't forget to feed the eel this time!"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A large fishbowl. No personnel could recall the contents of this habitat.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Three</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "pretty big tank for a sea slug"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A massive glass fishtank containing the bloated corpse of an adult male, dressed in 18th century formalwear.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Four</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "Mrs. Fish"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A small fishbowl containing a VHS tape of Disney's <em>The Little Mermaid</em>. The tape is unspooled.</p> </blockquote> <p><em><strong>Aisle Three: Exotic</strong></em></p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat One</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> No marking.<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Small "Pet Rock" carton containing one rock. Appears to be dead.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Two</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "DO NOT EAT"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> Glass tank containing a black snail, which secretes a corrosive black slime. Extremely hostile.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Three</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "Reads too much theory, no praxis"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A reptile habitat containing a boa constrictor. A severed doll arm is haphazardly glued to the snake's head.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat Four</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "Fat Fucking Lizard"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A small tank containing several shed lizard scales.</p> </blockquote> <p><em><strong>Aisle Four</strong></em></p> <p>Aisle Four contains only one habitat, placed behind a large triple-padlocked steel door with a sliding viewport.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Habitat One</strong><br/> <strong>Marking:</strong> "There she is!"<br/> <strong>Description:</strong> A cat carrier containing the rear half of a common tabby cat.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br/> <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Research regarding how to disable these doors is ongoing.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. A comparison to a truly baseline PetSmart is impossible due to the latent anomalous properties of all PetSmarts.</div> </div> <p><br/></p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3790-j">SCP-3790-J</a>" by Rounderhouse, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3790-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3790-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> petsmart.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/rounderhouse" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(4187885); return false;"><img alt="Rounderhouse" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=4187885&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1726793843" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=4187885)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/rounderhouse" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(4187885); return false;">Rounderhouse</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="/scp-3790-j">SCP Foundation Wiki</a><br/> <strong>Derivative Of:</strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Name:</strong> PetSmart Miami<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Phillip Pessar<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="http://flickr.com/southbeachcars/37050810260">Flickr</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-3999-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-3999-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-3999-J is to be contained at Site-42 in specialized containment wing R. On 25 JUNE 2014, Researcher James Talloran volunteered to dedicate around-the-clock support to containing SCP-3999-J. As such, Researcher Talloran has been forbidden from leaving containment wing R under threat of lethal force. All visiting researchers to containment wing R must be cleared by Researcher Talloran.</p> <p>Additionally, containment wing R has the following requirements:</p> <ul> <li>The enclosure must be cleaned daily. All organic matter is to be collected and disposed of. Soiled linens are to be washed and all surfaces of the primary containment enclosure must be sanitized.</li> <li>Supplies and provisions are to be restocked daily. Researcher Talloran should be consulted every morning to determine any necessary special provisions or supplies for that day.</li> <li>Crews are to remain on hand at all times to service and fuel all vehicles in the containment track.</li> <li>Mobile Task Force Lambda-3 ("Bounty Hunters") has been established to contain SCP-3999-J. In addition to standard armaments, MTF L3 is to maintain an arsenal of "iCombat" laser guns.</li> <li>The indoor containment pool must be kept at 29°C, while the auxiliary containment tub must be kept at 40°C.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-3999-J is an entity capable of causing an XK End-Of-World scenario at will. Accounts of its appearance are inconsistent, and it is believed that it can shapeshift. It can appear as a half-bear, half-man creature with many tentacles coming out of its back, or a nondescript human. Originally, it made stubborn demands for food and large sums of US currency, but Researcher Talloran has devised several containment strategies to keep its effects at bay.</p> <p>SCP-3999-J's secondary effect is an anti-memetic field that erases all memories of itself from anyone who views it. This effect occurs in real-time, so the entity appears invisible. However, Researcher Talloran is immune to the anti-memetic effect. Studies are underway to determine Researcher Talloran's unique immunity to SCP-3999-J.</p> <p><strong>UPDATE 05 JANUARY 2015:</strong> Guest Researchers Candi Madison, Jackie Love, and Emma Angel have agreed to indefinitely assist Researcher Talloran in containment efforts.</p> <p><strong>UPDATE 05 MARCH 2015:</strong> Guest Researchers Mitch Talloran and Trevor Mason were both confirmed to be immune to SCP-3999-J, and have agreed to indefinitely assist Researcher James Talloran in containment efforts.</p> <p><strong>UPDATE 19 APRIL 2015:</strong> Guest Researchers Alexa Cuti and Ivy Hart have agreed to indefinitely assist Researcher Talloran in containment efforts.</p> <hr/> <p><strong>Documents 3999-J-1-3:</strong> These transcripts document the first known encounter with SCP-3999-J.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>STAFF:</strong> Hello, front desk.<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Yes, this is James Talloran. Can you ask the cafeteria to send up a cheeseburger and fries to my desk? I'm working late tonight.<br/> <strong>STAFF:</strong> Uhhh… let me check. No, sorry. You're not on the list. Only essential containment personnel can request meal delivery.<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Oh. I see. Well, uhm, I've got a Keter entity here and I need a cheeseburger and fries to contain it.<br/> <strong>STAFF:</strong> [sigh] Whatever. Take it up with Containment. Extension 3333.</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>CONTAINMENT:</strong> Hello, containment, what is your emergency?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Yes, this is Researcher Talloran. I'm in room 402B and I've got a, ahem, Keter entity here and I need a cheeseburger and fries to contain it.<br/> <strong>CONTAINMENT:</strong> Right away sir! Cheeseburger and fries, stat! What is the designation of the Keter entity?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> It's… new. And it wants a Coke also.<br/> <strong>CONTAINMENT:</strong> Yes sir! Stay where you are sir! Do not move! Do not engage the Keter entity! Wait for containment forces to arrive!</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>MTF-DELTA-1:</strong> SIR, DO NOT MOVE. WHERE IS THE KETER ENTITY?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> It's… right there in the corner. What, you can't see it?<br/> <strong>MTF-DELTA-1:</strong> KETER ENTITY, STAND DOWN.<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> It… it says to put the food on my desk.<br/> <strong>MTF-DELTA-1:</strong> SIX TWO SIX, PRESENT THE PACKAGE.<br/> <strong>MTF-DELTA-626:</strong> SIR YES SIR.<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Oh, it, it disappeared! Great job MTF!</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>Document 3999-J-2713:</strong> This transcript documents the latest information on SCP-3999-J's containment.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> James, it's a great thing you do. I don't know how you can handle it, keeping that thing at bay all these years.<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> It's no trouble, director, really.<br/> <strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> How are the latest containment procedures working?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Oh, they're great. The containment course was really a great idea. By driving around it at high speeds in those super cars, we're able to really just, uh, contain the hell out of three-nine-nine-nine.<br/> <strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> Does this mean the old containment procedures are no longer necessary? You don't need the pool or the containment buffet anymore?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Uhm, no sir, not at all sir, those are still absolutely, absolutely necessary. I mean the cars only work on it for so long, sir. It, uhm, adapts to them quickly, you know, and only by, wrestling with it into that pool with my fellow researchers can we really, you know, keep it contained. And the buffet, I mean, three-nine-nine-nine wants that like five or six times a day, so that's, no, we need to keep that.<br/> <strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> Roger that. So all of your previous containment procedures are still effective?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Yeah, yeah. But listen, you know, the bar by the pool, three-nine-nine-nine, well I think he's adapting to the selection there, I was hoping to restock with some different varieties.<br/> <strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> Absolutely, I'll approve it. Anything else?<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Yeah, I'll be putting in another order for xbox games, three-nine-nine-nine has adapted to all of those also.<br/> <strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> Of course.<br/> <strong>RESEARCHER TALLORAN:</strong> Hey can we cut this short? I gotta run. I need to, go uh, oversee Candi and Alexa.<br/> <strong>DIRECTOR LYCUS:</strong> Godspeed to you.</p> </blockquote> <hr/> <p><strong>UPDATE 05 AUGUST 2017:</strong> SCP-3999-J has demonstrated the ability to memetically affect remote individuals, causing them to hallucinate. This typically manifests as illusions of Researcher Talloran entering and leaving the containment facility. It also manifested remotely when one off-duty scientist hallucinated Researcher Talloran entering a casino, and later that day when another staff member hallucinated seeing Researcher Talloran purchasing an automobile. On that same occasion, an entire team of containment personnel hallucinated picking up Researcher Talloran at a hospital after they hallucinated him drunkenly text them that he had crashed into a parked car. Researcher Talloran's investigation into this new ability is ongoing.</p> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-3999-j">SCP-3999-J</a>" by Abettik, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-3999-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-3999-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-4000-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="info-container"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <div> <p style="text-align: center;"><strong>SCP-4000-J</strong> - <em>Taboo 2: Tabooer</em></p> </div> <hr/> <div id="u-author_block"> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/djkaktus">▸ More by this Author ◂</a></p> </div> <hr/> <div id="u-comments2" style="display: none;"> <p>{$comments2}</p> </div> <div class="u-faq"> <p><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/component:info-ayers">F.A.Q.</a></p> </div> <div style="display: none;"> <p>{$doesthisfixthebug}</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-center" style="width:700px;"><img alt="header.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-4000-j/header.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p><tt>Fig 1.1.</tt> Native humanoid entity manifesting midair. Certain facets of this image that could potentially violate the Eshu Protocol have been removed.</p> </div> </div> <hr/> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:175px;"><img alt="notawell.png" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-4000-j/notawell.png"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p><tt>Fig 1.2.</tt> Unrelated image.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> <em>Restricted per protocol 4000-Eshu.</em></p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Due to the supernaturally unsound nomenclative structure of the anomaly described within this article, descriptions are to be made as vaguely specific as possible within the limits set by the Eshu Protocol. Currently, this protocol is under review. Revisions to this protocol will be made available as they become apparent.</p> <p>Currently, maintenance of this file is under the purview of Dr. Mack.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> <span style="color: red"><strong>SCP-4000</strong></span> is an extradimensional forested area with numerous anomalous qualities, including a hazardous nomenclative phenomenon. Its peculiar anomalous qualities are not currently completely understood, and access to this file is restricted to <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Dr. Daniels</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Dr. Meyer</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Dr. Peppers</span> the designated researcher, currently Dr. Mack.</p> <p><span style="color: red"><strong>SCP-4000</strong></span> is</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Under no circumstances may any relevant anomalies be referred to by a repeating static identifier.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><span style="color: red"><strong>The extradimensional location described below</strong></span> is composed primarily of a low-lying wetlands near the town of Baskerville, South Carolina, wherein</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Under no circumstances should the relevant file make any reference to the structural makeup of any relevant anomalies.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p>When <span style="color: red"><strong>the thing that is being described in this file</strong></span></p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> In many cultures, the color red can be considered a sign of aggression and is therefore forbidden for use in any relevant data files.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p>When <span style="color: blue"><strong>the thing</strong></span></p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> In many cultures, <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">the</span> color <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">red</span> can be considered a sign of aggression and is therefore forbidden for use in any relevant data files.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p>The unusual</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Under no circumstances should any text be included in the relevant file that would imply anything unusual about any relevant anomalies.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p>The</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Articles are to be generally avoided in order to prevent breach of potentially unsound nomenclative structure and to encourage the author to think creatively.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p><strong>Addendum [REDACTED].1:</strong> Discovery</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Under no circumstances should any reference be made to the concept that any relevant anomalies were ever not discovered.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p>Wet</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Descriptors are right out.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p>I never knew my grandfather,</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> ???</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p>but he was often spoken about in hushed terms during family gatherings, where the aunts and baby cousins would sit huddled in a far corner and speak dark secrets to each other about things he may or may not have done while part of Dr. Mercer's</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Attempts to compare any relevant anomalies to personal anecdotes by way of complex metaphor or allusion should be discouraged due to the moral implications of these actions.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> Additionally, the author is encouraged to remember that this is an SCP data file, not a tale.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p>SCP</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> No.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p>It</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> No.</em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p>Uh, Researcher Talloran?</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> <strong>No.</strong></em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><em>Fucking fairies</em></p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong> <span style="font-size:200%;"><strong>No</strong>.</span></em></p> </blockquote> </div> <p><br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/> <br/></p> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> <em>Restricted per protocol 4000-Eshu.</em></p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> <em>Restricted per protocol 4000-Eshu.</em></p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> Due to the supernaturally unsound nomenclative structure of the anomaly described within this article, descriptions are to be made as specific as possible within the limits set by the Eshu Protocol. Currently, this protocol is under review. Revisions to this protocol will be made available as they become apparent.</p> <p>Currently, maintenance of this file is under the purview of <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Dr. Mack.</span></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> I'm going to go snort a fat line of cocaine off Dr. West's ass and hope that when I get back I have the motivation and dexterity to suck my own dick, for that will be the last satisfaction I ever achieve in this short, horrible life.</p> <div class="yellow"> <blockquote> <p><em><strong>Eshu Protocol Update:</strong></em> <span style="color: green"><strong>File revisions approved!</strong></span></p> </blockquote> </div> <br/> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-4000-j">REDACTED FOR QUESTIONABLE REASONS</a>" by djkaktus, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-4000-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-4000-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> header.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/djkaktus" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1888434); return false;"><img alt="djkaktus" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=1888434&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1735668105" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=1888434)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/djkaktus" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1888434); return false;">djkaktus</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="/scp-4000-j">SCP Foundation Wiki</a><br/> <strong>Derivative Of:</strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Name:</strong> Up in the Air<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Gabriela Pinto<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 2.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://flickr.com/gabrielap93/9779144082">Flickr</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> NomenclatureWarning.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/djkaktus" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1888434); return false;"><img alt="djkaktus" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=1888434&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1735668105" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=1888434)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/djkaktus" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1888434); return false;">djkaktus</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="/scp-4000-j">SCP Foundation Wiki</a><br/> <strong>Derivative Of:</strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Name:</strong> TabooWarningfix.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/peppersghost" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1553042); return false;"><img alt="PeppersGhost" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=1553042&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1735668105" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=1553042)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/peppersghost" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1553042); return false;">PeppersGhost</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="/taboo">SCP Foundation Wiki</a></p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong>Filename:</strong> notawell.png<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> <span class="printuser avatarhover"><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/djkaktus" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1888434); return false;"><img alt="djkaktus" class="small" src="https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=1888434&amp;size=small&amp;timestamp=1735668105" style="background-image:url(https://www.wikidot.com/userkarma.php?u=1888434)"/></a><a href="http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/djkaktus" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.listeners.userInfo(1888434); return false;">djkaktus</a></span><br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="/scp-4000-j">SCP Foundation Wiki</a><br/> <strong>Derivative Of:</strong></p> <hr/> <p><strong>Name:</strong> Lighthouse Keeper's Cottage outhouse (Cape Florida Lighthouse) 001.jpg<br/> <strong>Author:</strong> Leonard J. DeFrancisci<br/> <strong>License:</strong> CC BY-SA 3.0<br/> <strong>Source Link:</strong> <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/file:lighthouse_Keeper's_Cottage_outhouse_(Cape_Florida_Lighthouse)_001.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p><iframe src="//interwiki.scpwiki.com/styleFrame.html?priority=4&theme=https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--code/component:djk/1&css={$css}" style="display: none"></iframe></p> </div></body></html>
SCP-4001-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-4001-B</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Safe<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-1" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-1')">1</a></sup></p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> SCP-4001-B is secured within a steel bunker, constructed for its containment in Tokyo, Japan. The buildings around the bunker have been purchased by the Foundation, and are being rented out to a number of karate dojos, cheap love hotels, and cheaper ramen bars to help maintain the facade.</p> <p>In the event of a large hostile assault against SCP-4001-B, all available teams are to be deployed to defend SCP-4001-B<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-2" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-2')">2</a></sup>.</p> <p>Open flames are strictly forbidden within SCP-4001-B, as are missile launchers, shruiken or kunai, or katanas of any kind. Writing utensils may only be brought inside SCP-4001-B with a majority vote by the O5-Council<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-3" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-3')">3</a></sup>.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-4001-B consists of a small doorway within a basement, leading to a staircase descending 15 meters below ground. The staircase enters into a large room stacked with bookshelves<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-4" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-4')">4</a></sup>. The room does not conform to Euclidian geometry; it is possible to walk in any one direction and eventually return to the point of origin.</p> <p>The room is filled entirely by bookshelves. The main walkway originates from the staircase and runs in both directions the full length of SCP-4001-B, with funky futon mats situated every 20 meters along the main walkway<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-5" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-5')">5</a></sup>. Under appropriate lighting conditions, it is possible to see oneself in the distance by looking in the appropriate direction.</p> <p>SCP-4001-B represents a complete archive of every human life to date, and is continuously self-updating. Every human being that has ever lived has a single corresponding shonen manga within the archive, covering all important events in their life in a typically exaggerated format. As humans are born, new books are added to the archive. Books are stored in order of individuals' births, and the spine and front cover of each book is inscribed with the name of those it refers to. The general text and speech bubbles are written in a language which is simultaneously unlike any existing language known to the Foundation, while simultaneously being completely comprehensible to any literate individual reading it<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-6" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-6')">6</a></sup>. The total number of books is estimated at approximately 120 billion.</p> <p>The contents of the books represent the idealised life of the individuals contained within. Altering the contents of the books has a corresponding effect upon reality, with names, vendettas, superpowers, hair colour<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-7" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-7')">7</a></sup> and style, backstories, waifus, fetishes and perversions, personality quirks, and even complete existences changing accordingly to alterations applied to the book. Important life events are included, but they are exaggerated to the point of ridiculousness, with individuals demonstrating abilities and personality traits far beyond their own. As such, amendments made directly to books typically do not result in any change unless specifically entered in manga format, and suitably exaggerated as is expected of shonen manga.</p> <p>SCP-4001-B was first encountered by Foundation staff in 19██. A local group of teenagers were attempting to use the archives to write their history papers, among other uses<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-8" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-8')">8</a></sup>.</p> <p><strong>Notable Texts:</strong></p> <p><em>The Sultry Stories of Cleopatra of the Nile</em>. Details the life of Cleopatra VII, last pharaoh of Egypt. A supremely hardcore hentai with political undertones. Chapters include [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-9" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-9')">9</a></sup>.</p> <p><em>The Martial Chronicles of Joan d'Arc</em>. Details the life of French commander and religious figurehead Joan of Arc. Chapters include a lengthy conversation with SCP-343, multiple battles using sorcery, cannonades, and sniper rifles, a number of katana duels with English knights, and a spectacularly tragic death scene of her burning at the stake spanning some 50 heartrending pages.</p> <p><em>The Wonderful Life of Leonardo Da Vinci</em>. Details the life of artist, engineer and all around polymath Leonardo Da Vinci. Comedic in tone. Chapters include multiple torrid love affairs with various men, multiple wacky adventures with his devices, a Q-like relationship with a weirdo figure in a hood with no fear of heights, and a chapter where he builds a time machine so he can get proper notes and sketches for his masterpiece <em>The Last Supper</em>.</p> <p><em>The Ruthless Royal, Henry "Fuck the Pope (and Anything Else That Moves)" Tudor VIII</em>. Details the life of English king Henry VIII. Chapters include several jousting tourneys<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-10" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-10')">10</a></sup>, his incredibly profane rap battle with Pope Clement VII, a large number of explicit hentai scenes with various numbers of his seventeen wives, the brutal executions of four of his wives (including a lengthy superpowered fight with Anne Boleyn), and his eventual death due to hyper-obesity.</p> <p><em>The Life and Times of Abraham "Breaker of Chains" Lincoln</em>. Details the life of American President Abraham Lincoln. Chapters include his early career as a pugilist lawyer, his brutal broadsword duel against James Shields, his brief tenure as a vampire slayer, a number of spectacular hand to hand brawls in Congress, his unleashment of an energy beam against the forces of slavery, and his epic sniper duel to the death against John Wilkes Booth.</p> <p><em>The Chronicles of Theodore "Badass Motherfucker" Roosevelt</em>. Details the life of American President Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt. Chapters include him punching his own heart condition back into health, an incredibly sorrowful chapter regaling the death of his wife and mother, his time in the West as a sharpshooting cowboy, his cavalry charge against energy weapons, his feud with the New York mob bosses during his tenure as NYPD commissioner, his ascension to Omega status with the death of McKinley, him tanking a hailfire of bullets during his inaugral speech, a boxing match to the death against a grizzly bear during his presidency that resulted in him being blinded in one eye, and his eventual epic duel with death himself<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-11" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-11')">11</a></sup>.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 4001-B1:</strong> Cataloging Assistance System</p> <p>On ██/██/20██, a team of researchers and engineers completed the construction of a system which would enable easier access to the archives. Due to the sheer size of the archives, many days or even weeks of travel were required to locate older books. Thus, the Cataloging Assistance System was installed.</p> <p>In order to use the Cataloging Assistance System, users should follow these steps:</p> <ol> <li>Use the installed computers to search for the person of interest from the database, and receive their coordinates</li> <li>Input the coordinates into the Cataloging Assistance System</li> <li>Put on a crash helmet and a bubble suit<sup class="footnoteref"><a class="footnoteref" href="javascript:;" id="footnoteref-12" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnote-12')">12</a></sup>, and get into the Cataloging Assistance System</li> <li>Push the launch button.</li> </ol> <p>Depending on aerodynamics, users will typically land within 100 to 200 meters of their intended text.</p> <p><strong>Addendum 4001-B2:</strong> Incident 4001-BK</p> <p>On ██/██/████, [REDACTED] entered SCP-4001 without permission, and used the Cataloging Assistance System to locate their own book. They then used an HB pencil to add several panels to the last pages of their own book, detailing their discovery of an immensely powerful artifact, which was then used to turn themselves into a god of corruption.</p> Later that day, they found a 5000-yen note on the ground outside SCP-4001-B, and spent it on cheap ramen that gave them diarrhea for a week.<br/> <br/> <div class="footnotes-footer"> <div class="title">Footnotes</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-1"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-1')">1</a>. Probably. Though we'd all feel a lot better if this thing that will kill us all if it burns or floods <em>wasn't</em> located underground in the most earthquake-prone nation on Earth.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-2"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-2')">2</a>. Authorisation for the deployment of MechaGodzilla has also been proposed, and is under consideration by the O5 Council.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-3"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-3')">3</a>. Crayons and coloured are permitted, though, for the purpose of colouring in pages.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-4"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-4')">4</a>. Attempts to dig into SCP-4001-B from outside have resulting in digging into three phone lines, two sewerage pipes, and a yakuza torture dungeon, indicating that SCP-4001-B exists within an extra-dimensional space.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-5"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-5')">5</a>. Proposals to install a sushi bar have been denied.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-6"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-6')">6</a>. Assuming that said individual knows that manga is read right-to-left.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-7"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-7')">7</a>. Up to and including blue hair. Somehow.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-8"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-8')">8</a>. A large number of the books within the archive could be more accurately described as hentai rather than shonen.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-9"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-9')">9</a>. <em>Researcher Note from Researcher Tanaka</em>: If anyone needs this, I'll be in my bunk. For research purposes.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-10"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-10')">10</a>. The text displays them using tyrannosaurs instead of horses.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-11"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-11')">11</a>. A surprisingly small amount of this is hyperbole; he actually did most of this.</div> <div class="footnote-footer" id="footnote-12"><a href="javascript:;" onclick="WIKIDOT.page.utils.scrollToReference('footnoteref-12')">12</a>. Mops are kept on hand for individuals who fail to follow this instruction.</div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-4001-j">SCP-4001-J</a>" by GentleGifts, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-4001-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-4001-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-4002-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <div class="scp-image-block block-right" style="width:300px;"><img alt="phpdqdwnuPM.jpg" class="image" src="https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/scp-4002-j/phpdqdwnuPM.jpg"/> <div class="scp-image-caption"> <p>SCP-4002-J, upon acquisition.</p> </div> </div> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-4002-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Bleu-clid</p> <p><strong>Special Comte-ainment Procheesedures:</strong> SCP-4002-J is stored in an re-friesla-tor in Doctor Jack's office, on Site 19. The office is the per-feta location to store the object, as it is located on level B-4, thirty meters urdă-ground. In queso a containment brie-ch, all com-muenster-cations are to be curd off, to prevent further cantal-mination.</p> <p><strong>Des-gippsland:</strong> SCP-4002-J refers to a cheese wheel of unknown com-port-sition. When o-bay-served, the sussex is overwh-emlett with the impulse to utilize dairy-centered cheddar-ic as a piora-ty in their sp-beechster patterns. This ef-feta has been dauphin-ed as me-meira-tic, and as such, comte-ainment must be ad-muenster-ed caerphilly. No personnel with coolea-rence level 3 or baylough are parm-itted to access SCP-4002-J at any time.</p> <p>Spread of the ef-feta of SCP-4002-J, in a manouri-ty of cases, involves any string of dairy rodoric being per-serra-eived by an unaf-feta-ed subject. Due to the risk of lin-goutu-stic collapse, Molbo Task Force Feta-9 ("Have at Thee, Havarti!"), is deployed to whey the situation and ad-muenster ami-nesiacs when pont-ssible. If the comte-amination has brie-ched the forty-eight hour mark, the ef-feta is considered to be at crema-tical condition, and af-feta-ed subjects must be toma-nated.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Addendum 4002-J-A -- Recovery Log</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Hide Addendum 4002-J-A</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>SCP-4002-J was re-coverdale-d on a dairy farm in █████, Wisconsin, following reports on a maisie-ve out-brie-ak of "cheese induced aragon-ments". Unaware of the ef-fetas, the recovery team was exposed to the me-meira-etic hazard. The team was later grated for their ambert-ure job in the field, and a-saga-igned as the provo-lone cleaning crew for that week.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Addendum 4002-J-B -- Researcher's Note -- LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE REQUIRED</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- Hide Addendum 4002-J-B</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p>This document is highly classified. It is not to go pasteurize. Upon further study, the ef-feta of SCP-4002-J goes beyond our initial conjecture. The current do-curd-mentation merely skims the surface of the object's true nature. Over time, the di-cheese grows expo-nantais-ly until speech with a lack-tose of dairy sarite-uration becomes unfeasible. As the object paneers a khoa-rizon of innes-fection, its ef-feta extends beyond cheese and en-comte-passes the whole of dairy. It is now abbaye-parent that we have no whey of comte-aining SCP-4002-J as it approaches this pont. What goudas a re-friesla-tor do against an accelerating me-meira-tic plague? I must farm-ally recommend that the object be neutralized, in order to avoid a lin-gris-tic descent into udder chaos.<br/> - Dr. Jack</p> </blockquote> <blockquote> <p><em>Request rejection pending. A formal response will be issued at the conclusion of the neutralization review pro-swiss. - O5-█</em></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-404-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-404-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> As attempts to manually alter the text of SCP-404-J have proved futile, twice-hourly tactical nuclear strikes are to continue on SCP-404-J until it has been successfully neutralized. As such, Foundation personnel, combat task forces, and civilians may only come within 100 km of SCP-404-J after signing a mortality waiver.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-404-J is a 20 m x 50 m x 5 m brick wall in southern Iran, estimated to have been erected in 15,000 BCE. SCP-404-J is composed entirely of an unknown mineral that has proven extremely resistant to destruction.</p> <p>Despite its age, the inscriptions on SCP-404-J are completely in American English. The text of the inscription changes on an irregular basis.</p> <p>Further information about SCP-404-J is restricted to the O5 Council.</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">+ Inscription as of 2/28/16 - 5/404-J clearance required</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">- encryption key accepted</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <h1 id="toc0"><span>PLANET ERF!</span></h1> <h3 id="toc1"><span>by !Jehovah</span></h3> <h2 id="toc2"><span>[ Rating: -5922 \| + \| - ]</span></h2> <p><strong>Planet:</strong> Erf!</p> <p><strong>Composition:</strong> Mostly water also some other stuff!</p> <p><strong>Dominant Species:</strong> Humans!</p> <p><strong>Other Information:</strong> Look at my super cool planet! It has religions and goats and juice boxes!</p> <p>For more information, look around you! It's that simple!</p> <p>This is my first planet so no downvotes please!</p> <hr/> <h5 id="toc3"><span>Tags: in-extinction / planet / populated / water</span></h5> <hr/> <h2 id="toc4"><span>Comments:</span></h2> <blockquote> <ul> <li><strong>@KingScarlet /staffpost/:</strong> Moved to top for convenience. Beginning extinction vote for "Erf" after the net rating breached -10. <ul> <li><strong>@P-A-T-T-E-R-N /staffpost/:</strong> Seconding <ul> <li><strong>@heliumbambi /staffpost/:</strong> Thirded. <ul> <li><strong>@GlossyPan /staffpost/:</strong> Fourthed.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>@GlossyPan/staffpost/:</strong> OP: !Jehovah, please do not upvote your own planet. It's against the terms of service. <ul> <li><strong>~gk-ION:</strong> Your /mom's/ against the terms of service.</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>~gk-ION:</strong> welcome to planet shitpost <ul> <li><strong>~M3KH4N3:</strong> This is a <em>really</em> good way to get banned, Ion. Just sayin'. <ul> <li><strong>~gk-ION:</strong> For calling a shitpost a shitpost? <ul> <li><strong>~M3KH4N3:</strong> No, this planet is one of the worst we've had in aeons, no doubt about that. We just want to foster a sense of community here for new writers with constructive criticism.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>!Jehovah:</strong> ur a basic bish <ul> <li><strong>~M3KH4N3:</strong> …you know what, fuck the sense of community, your planet's poop.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>~He-MadeLight:</strong> These humans are about as appealing as a pile of rotten entrails. Requesting summary extinction by admins. <ul> <li><strong>!YAL-DA-BA-OTH:</strong> WHOA HOLD UP I get that this article is crap but WHY are we TALKING SHIT about rotten entrails?!?!?! Dead flesh is JUST AS GOOD if not BETTER than living flesh and the Universe needs LOTS of it for FUCK'S SAKE can you NOT you LITERAL PIECE OF [read more] <ul> <li><strong>~SixAteMeToo:</strong> Fuck me, they're letting anyone join the site these days. <ul> <li><strong>~iheartstranglefroots</strong> cack</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> <p><em>[page 1 of 3,492] <strong>Next ></strong></em></p> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> <div class="licensebox"> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded-link"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">‡ Hide Licensing / Citation</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <p>Cite this page as:</p> <div class="list-pages-box"> <div class="list-pages-item"> <blockquote> <p>"<a href="/scp-404-j">SCP-404-J</a>" by daveyoufool, from the <a href="https://scpwiki.com">SCP Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://scpwiki.com/scp-404-j">https://scpwiki.com/scp-404-j</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA</a>.</p> </blockquote> </div> </div> <p>For information on how to use this component, see the <a href="/component:license-box">License Box component</a>. To read about licensing policy, see the <a href="/licensing-guide">Licensing Guide</a>.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>
SCP-405-J	<html><body><div id="page-content"> <p><strong>Item #:</strong> SCP-405-J</p> <p><strong>Object Class:</strong> Keter</p> <p><strong>Special Containment Procedures:</strong> All Foundation sites are currently under lockdown protocol. No personnel are to leave their current location.</p> <p>Due to the unknown cause of SCP-405-J, personnel are to be cautious and not interact with anything unfamiliar they encounter in their working environment. Personnel are to maintain regular communication via personal electronic devices for the time-being.</p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> SCP-405-J refers to an ongoing event in which 445 Foundation personnel have been discovered deceased throughout a majority of Foundation sites worldwide. All casualties were of clearance level three or lower; the nature of this correlation has yet to be determined.</p> <p><strong>Update:</strong> As of 23:45 hours (EST) today, 750 personnel have been effected by SCP-405-J.</p> <p><strong>Update.2:</strong> SCP-405-J appears to have ceased activity at 00:00 hours (EST). Lockdown has been lifted. The total death toll is recorded at 890.</p> <p><strong>Addendum:</strong> SCP-405-J has been reclassified as Explained.</p> <p>Post-investigation revealed that all Foundation personnel found deceased had been accessing the Foundation Archive via an electronic device. In all instances, personnel had been granted access to SCP-001, resulting in exposure to the page’s memetic kill agent.</p> <p>The indirect cause of this event was revealed to be the following line of code found in the Foundation’s digital archive system:</p> <div class="collapsible-block"> <div class="collapsible-block-folded"><a class="collapsible-block-link" href="javascript:;">Access Code</a></div> <div class="collapsible-block-unfolded" style="display:none"> <div class="collapsible-block-content"> <blockquote> <p><tt>/random:random-page</tt></p> </blockquote> <p>All documentation tagged as <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/system:page-tags/tag/memetic">potentially</a> <a href="https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/system:page-tags/tag/cognitohazard">lethal</a> has been blacklisted from the command's page output.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div></body></html>