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When I got home from work on Saturday , I noticed things were cold . My whole house had a certain chill to it , as if someone had left the window open or something . I also noticed a large , massive , in fact , convection oven taking up a quarter of our counter space in the kitchen . For we had no gas . Natural gas - - that 's what our house runs on . That means we were without the following : No oven or range , no hot water , and no heat . Nice , huh ? You see , the company that used to fill our tank with gas used to check how much gas we had at any given time . Once a month , they would do rounds , check the level , and ask if we wanted more . Then we would tell them yes or no , and they would give us what we wanted and then leave us alone . They were nice . But then this new company ( notice how I 'm being polite and not giving names out ) bought the old company and started just filling our tank up to the top every time they felt like it - - which was usually right before winter when gas prices are highest , or in midwinter - - you get the picture . Mom was shocked that they started this new way of handling things without telling her about it . So she did what anyone would do in such a situation : she yelled at them . Watching my mother yell was impressive , empowering . Mom yells so rarely . It really is entertaining . The frightened gas company reacted as any terrified gas company would , they took us off the list of people whose tanks got filled whenever they dropped below 100 % full , leaving us to monitor the level of gas in the tank . About that . . . Since we had not responsibly monitored the level of gas in the tank , we had now run out of gas completely . The gas was gone , and it was feeling mighty cold in my house ( most of the chill was in our relation to each other . See , in a crisis , we all blame Dad except Mom , who blames herself . Oh , and Dad blames Mom too ) . The convection oven was Mom 's attempt at keeping our lives as normal as possible . So we 'd have food . Because we cook so often . . . Right . My father , once denied something , wants it more than anything else . Denied hPosted by I knew as I handed off my keys that I wouldn 't be seeing them for a while . It 's just one of those things with me and cars , once the keys leave my hand , the repair place decides that it needs a vehicle to run errands in , and it might as well be mine . At the place I used to go to get repairs done , before I found my Car Guy , I would drop off my car with a full tank of gas , wait three months , and pick it back up only to find my seat adjusted , my stereo pre - sets changed , filth on my steering wheel , and the problem just the way it was when I left it . My Car Guy puts the seat back where it was when he found it . He also doesn 't change my radio . Or , if he does , he puts it back the way it was before I see it again . There was a bulge on my tire , and , unlike when I was in college , there is no Spanish Lab for me to skip in order to get it fixed . The bulge is , possibly , still there now . Paul agreed to take my car to North Manchester 's tire place , since he was on his way to that town . I said that was fine , so I left him a check with the business ' name , the date , my signature . . . and no amount . With the great trust I placed in him , I could only hope that he would prove himself by getting the loud car noise to go away for good . When I called Paul from work at 3 : 00 p . m . , he said he was about to finish his work at school and stop by the tire place . Okay . Taking a deep breath . See , the car place takes walk - ins , but they squeeze them in between all the other appointments they have . So if they have a large number of walk - ins or appointments , you can 't get your car fixed later in the day on the same day . . . you 'd have to leave your car and pick it up the next day . Another deep breath . Then , April and I went to Walmart . We were having a program that evening , using the children 's book Piggie Pie , which I have forgotten the plot of already . I wasn 't sticking around for the program , so I decided to concentrate on Proust and not Piggie Pie . We bought apple pie and then went for pumpkin , but there were no frozen pumpkin pies to be had . We asked the guy , hePosted by When I walked into the bookstore on Saturday for a copy of C . S . Lewis ' The Screwtape Letters , I was blindsided by a display positioned directly in front of the door . It announced proudly : " If You Liked Twilight . . . " And over its surface , spread over each available inch , was a plethora of merchandise featuring Robert Something - Something and the shirtless guy that plays Jacob . Also there was the Expressionless Girl , whatever her name is . Even when she 's smiling , she isn 't . What 's the deal with that ? I skirted around the table , then marched over to Young Adult . I guess I was asking for it , really . Going to the YA shelves like that . But I had a good reason . See , I buy all the YA books for our library . Meaning I decide what we get and what we don 't . Usually , my decision is based on 3 - 4 positive reviews on a particular book , or the requests of readers . But every once and a while - - or all the time - - there are books that aren 't reviewed . This happens a lot with YA . Especially when certain novels cross over from the adult section . And that 's all the time . What I do is this : I go to the bookstore , and I read chunks of all the new books I 'm not familiar with . I also take a closer look at some of the things I 'm interested in , and some of the things written by authors I am familiar with but whose novels weren 't in the journals I read . Field research . So I went through the new books , I looked at them , and then I saw it . Here it is . On the surface , it looked just like another Twilight novel . It had the red on black look , but it was different . And I thought . . . If there were a new Twilight book , I would know . So I looked a little closer . Do you see it ? Right up there above the title ? Yeah . That 's right . One of the greatest classics of British Literature , endorsed by two fictional characters . Let 's ignore for a moment , the fact that the Twilight series is a blundered retelling of Emily Bronte 's Wuthering Heights . I 've ranted about that before . Along with the whole feminism thing , how Bella has no soul and is so dependent on Edward ( and men in generPosted by I 'm sitting here at work thinking about you and how old we both are now . Seriously , we could just die . Any minute . My joints hurt just thinking about it . And I 'm pretty sure I can feel my arteries calcifying , because what are arteries if they aren 't slowly turning to stone ? And I remember the day Dad came to pick me up from the neighbor 's house , when he told me about you - - my new baby brother . All I could think in that moment was , " Gee , I could use some more of those little rainbow marshmallows . " And , " I hope I can stay until this episode of Care Bears is done before I have to go home . " I have matured since then . But I could go for some of those marshmallows right about now . Today , on your birthday , I can tell you you rock as a brother . My childhood would not have been half so entertaining without all our inside jokes ( " WHERE IS MY SON ? ! ! " ) . And I should tell you that I love you enough that I 'm not going to sit at home all night knitting and watching Gilmore Girls ( care to join ? ) , but instead I am willing to pull myself together and go with you to a seedy bar and watch you drink while I get tipsy on the fumes of alcohol wafting through the air . Then I will drive you home and let you play WOW wasted ( yeah , right ) , with hilarious consequences . And when the three - hundredth gnome has killed you , I will mock you openly as you stagger away from the keyboard in defeat . That is what sisters are for . If you think I 'm going to comfort you when you throw up arroz con pollo , you are dead wrong . Your loving sis , Laura I have a terrible time sleeping . I get so little time for it that I can 't believe it 's a problem . I mean , you give yourself six hours to sleep each day . . . you 'd imagine some of that time would be spent sleeping . But it isn 't . No , I spend the majority of that time lying awake , wondering why my one pillow ended up such a freaky shape when all the others are still pillow - shaped and why I can 't find a good pillow , why good pillows always end up in hotels , why we never stayed in hotels when we were on vacations when I was a kid , why we almost never took vacations when I was a kid , why my dad is going to Colorado again - - by himself , why he chooses to go on vacation without Mom when he can 't stand her being at Walmart without him when he has any time off , usually . . . And it continues in that manner until the point I get crazy sick of lying there , usually prompting me to take another dose of Tylenol PM or to turn on the light and read a little . The other night , maybe Thursday ? Yeah . Thursday . I 'd had a particularly hard day , related to the security alarm and its going off . So I took my dose of Sleepy - Time Magic and curled up in bed , but I felt like I 'd just finished running a marathon , so I turned the light back on and grabbed a book , feeling my allotted sleep time ticking away . The book I picked up was Proust 's novel ( part of it ) Swann 's Way . Now , in my literary opinion , " classics " fall into four major categories . There are the books that are classics because they are written well , have an exciting story , interesting story , or are meaningful to everyone at some stage in their lives . Therefore , fun to read . There are the classics that are written fantastically and have influenced history with their social commentary in a way we cannot cast aside . We might not find them fun , but we can 't overlook the effect they had , and that 's interesting . There are books that have become known for their effective portrait of the time in which they were written . So historically , fascinating . Worthy of being read . And then , finally , there are books thaPosted by Why is this the second day in a row that has sucked ? Why ? Was yesterday not annoying enough ? No . Yesterday , tailgated and honked at each time I was driving through Wabash . That 's four trips through the town . See , people don 't understand the new set - up caused by the road construction . People are making their own lanes , driving on the wrong side of the road , and losing their tempers at the drop of a hat . That was frustrating . As was the semi that wanted to run me over . I just got this car . And we aren 't in Chicago ! Have a little patience . Some of us are trying to execute a turn . That continued into today , as I was cut off by a construction vehicle that literally just drove diagonally across all four ( ? ) lanes of traffic . Just for fun . Paul just came in . He says it was that way for him too . And there are random closed lanes ! They are open one moment and closed the next . It makes me crazy . But here 's the big thing . Yesterday , Erin called in sick . Meaning I was working by myself downstairs . And it was ssssllloooowwwww . Very slow . So I checked the bathrooms . I checked the men 's room , knocking and calling to those who might be inside . . . and no one was there . I checked the women 's room , and no one was there . Then I locked the doors , turned off all the lights , and went up to give them the stack of movies I had checked in moments before . We watched the people go outside , and then we left , setting the security alarm as we walked out . There were five of us . And we all missed one woman who walked past us , down the stairs , and into the bathroom . There she did whatever she wanted to do in there , and then she left the building . Setting off the security alarm as she went . Yeah . And since I was the only one working downstairs , it was kind of my fault . No one made a big deal about it , but it was . So today I came in , found out about it , and I 've been feeling guilty ever since . Not that it is solely my fault , but really . I was the only one downstairs . And the person went out downstairs . So I feel like crap , and I 've been trying to get over it sPosted by Why is it that I get such a sick pleasure from calling Paul 's cell phone from work in the morning and letting it ring and ring and ring until the man comes on and tells me , " The wireless customer you are calling is unavailable . . . " or until Paul picks up , there is silence , then the call ends abruptly , something that can only mean my own brother hung up on me ? And why do I respond to this rude behavior by calling him again ? And why do I decide that , when he fails to answer his phone several times running , I should switch to the house phone and let that ring indefinitely until Paul drags himself out of bed , across the house , and over to the phone ? Because I am an older sister . Why does Paul get to be lazy when I have to wake up so darn early every morning ? It so is not fair . Also , I do this because Mom is out of town , I am at work , and that means my little Darcy has only one source for her walks - - Paul . And though I love my brother , I rank Darcy 's comfort above his . This is because she is a dog and cannot care for herself . That means Paul has to step in . But mostly it is because I am an older sister , and tormenting Paul is super - fun . I did all this at 9 : 30 this morning , a respectable hour for starting one 's day . And it was very enjoyable . I think I called Paul like five or six times . . . ? Maybe more , before I got him on the line . And boy was he mad . He seemed like he would start swearing at me any moment , and I have no doubt he went right back to sleep . This way , though , if Jerk Paul makes Darcy suffer , and if she has an accident which has never happened before , I can turn around to Paul and say : " You suck . Look at what you did to her ! She was totally miserable to do this , and she 's depressed now because she knows she did wrong and it is all because you are so lazy you can 't take care of a dog let alone yourself ! Next time : Listen To Your Sister ! " And then he will be even angrier than before , but he will know that I am right . And that is the most fun at all . Please do not think less of me for this , I never tortured him as a chiPosted by I hate cold weather . Let me say that , first and foremost . But there 's a little problem with it being 80 + degrees all the time . . . I can 't wear the pretty woolens I knit for myself . And that makes me sad . Since we didn 't have a summer this year , I spent a lot of time playing with sweaters . Knitting a sweater in midsummer is usually uncomfortable ( a lap full of wool would be ) , but this year it was no big deal . Still , when I walked outside last week , stopped on the front step , turned around , went back inside , and returned to the great outdoors with a warm jacket . . . the Urge to Knit became too much to resist . I had finished my baby sweater the day before . Announcing this at an impromptu " staff meeting " at the library , my friend Rachel asked , " Is it a gift ? " I replied ( my voice thick with sarcasm ) , " No , Rachel , I 'm pregnant , " causing laughter to break out amongst my fellow librarians . Apparently , she thought I might be saving it for something . Like that 's going to happen . At any rate , why save something for later when you can just knit another baby sweater later , with different yarn ? That 's way more fun . And way less depressing . Can you imagine me , twenty years from now , un - burying a " Hope Chest " I made and removing baby article after baby article until I and my shriveled uterus descend into full - on depression ? That would be a downer . So I went on Ravelry and visited my queue , finding a pair of amazing knitted gloves - - Entangled Stitches - - designed by Julia Mueller I had fallen in love with last year when I was still burned from my first glove attempt ( I do not have man hands , why did I knit myself a pattern designed for female football players ? ) . Here is the non - Ravelry link for Non - Ravelers . And in the course of four days , I have knit all but the thumb of one glove . I am eagerly awaiting the moment I can cast on for my second glove . . . I anticipate this will take place tonight . I knitted through the entire third season of Gilmore Girls , and let me just say , I have become far too emotionally invested in that show for my own good . I wPosted by Last month , I started getting this itching desire to read Proust . Marcel Proust . . . I knew nothing about him . I had no idea what he 'd written . I was clueless as to where I should start . But there I was , standing in Barnes and Nobles last night , barely able to withstand the temptation a shiny , well - translated ( French to English ) copy of Swann 's Way presented . I don 't know where any of this came from . Was it Little Miss Sunshine ? Or was it an episode of Criminal Minds , in which the opening lines of Swann 's Way are read aloud ? Or was it helping some guy find Proust 's books months ago in that same bookstore , simply because I had a better grasp of the alphabet than he ? I think I had felt the tug before , but never seriously considered reading his books until I saw that unalphabetized man wandering around thinking he could just read Proust for fun . I could just read Proust for fun , I thought , but I know my alphabet . And I am an English major . Or was . I was an English major . But now I am like some kind of expert , right ? So I could totally read Proust for fun . But I didn 't buy a copy of Swann 's Way last night . I held off . Partially because I have yet to finish the book Jen has wanted me to read for . . . months . . . and partially because I am supposed to be reading books for , well , work . At work today , I decided to check and see if we had a copy here . And we do . Or did , because I just checked it out . And if we get along , that copy of Swann 's Way I saw last night is totally mine . I 'll try to keep you apprised of the situation as it progresses . But since one of the St . B 's teachers saw me looking at it and asked what was going on , and since I told her what I was doing and why , and since I was feeling pretty good about it . . . I better read it all . I better not give up . I am not giving up . Okay . Now I have to go yell at a little girl who is destroying what little order we have on our shelves down here . I know what you 're thinking . But no , Paul did not eat food that belonged to me this week . He did not scavange my Biaggi 's leftovers or even my leftover pizza . He was good . However , Paul has discovered a whole new way to make my life miserable , something so horrible I cannot even begin to think of the appropriate torture I will use to break him of this behavior before it becomes habitual . When I was getting ready for bed at eleven last night , Paul got a phone call . His cell phone ring is some crazy hard rock / electronica mix that just ends up scaring me every time it goes off , so it 's a good thing it doesn 't go off in my presence very much . It was his friend and former college room mate , Jerome . Now , Jerome has been living in Indianapolis of late , and the two of them have spent little time together - - meaning none . Jerome told Paul he was at their old dorm , and that Paul should come for what would undoubtedly be a party of the college variety ( if you know what I mean ) . Paul then did something that shocked us all no end . He said yes , got his keys , and he left for campus . And we all went to bed , knowing he would be home late , if at all , because Paul is smart enough to know not to drive home drunk ( we think , but his next move makes me question his overall intelligence in a way I never have before ) . I was just falling asleep in my warm bed . I had plugged in my cell phone on my dresser , where it would sit through the night charging . My cell phone , in case you were wondering , is also my alarm clock . This is important to know . Paul , obviously motivated by an exaggerated perception of his own importance , believed utterly that my mother ( and , well , his too ) was waiting up for him . He thought she opted out of sleep in order to sit on the couch doing sudoku after sudoku long after network television had stopped broadcasting television and had only infomercials and static , just waiting for him to open up the door and tell her all about what he 'd done and who he 'd seen . So , because he 's so understanding and caring as a son and fellow hPosted by Laura is young , feels old , and recently learned she had a reason to get out of gym class all through her lifetime , but missed out . She still wants a lollipop after she gets a shot and believes food will complete her even if she has to cook it herself . This is probably why she has taken up running . She reads too much , sleeps too little , and never leaves the house without yarn ( money is another story ) . It is no secret that I like things organized . I used to alphabetize all my CDs , when CDs were a thing . Now I have my books sorted according . . . You know what you deserve ? A blog post . And you know what else you deserve ? Stories of my misery , because those are always funny . So here is . . . |
I met Phil about 9 years ago when I started working at my current job . He works in a different department and is older than me but was good friends with my cube - mate and I thought he was funny . We became really good friends over the years and , when his wife divorced him our friendship grew even more and we are now engaged to be married . Because of how some people think that our relationship started , which isn 't true , we 've lost some friends but gained some other really good ones . Phil 's ex and I do not speak , at all , unless we have to . She calls me as ' the mistress ' in conversation with Phil , just to get him upset . I will admit that she doesn 't say anything bad about us to their two kids , so that 's something . And she and Phil work very hard to be friendly when the kids are around , which is something else . Two weeks ago , really good friends of ours had a holiday party . They wanted to have it early enough that people would be able to come , so they scheduled it for the weekend after Thanksgiving . Phil and I had custody of his two kids that weekend and our friends told us to bring them , so we did . We had been there for a while and the kids were playing in another room when Phil 's ex - wife walked into the house ! ! ! ! It turns out that she is dating our friend 's step - brother and he brought her with him to meet the family . The kids knew , IMMEDIATELY , that their mother was there and kept making comments about how nice it was that all of us were in the same place for once , which was cute and sort of painful , at the same time . The ex said hello to Phil and I when she walked in , even taking the time to hug my fiance . Then she obviously avoided talking to us from that point forward , moving from room to room to stay away from us . It was awkward and awful when it should have been fun just because she was there . After everyone ate , I went in to help my friend with the dishes only to find the ex standing at the sink , chatting with some people in the kitchen , including her new boyfriend . I went over and offered to help , instead , thinking that I would get to spend some time with my friends , finally , as she was sure to leave the room . Instead , she sat down at the table and continued to talk to them all while I stood at the sink washing dishes . Then , our youngest child came into the kitchen and he was excited . He ran past me and to his mother , saying something about his older brother and trying to pull her out of the room . While I tried to get him to calm down and tell me what was going on , the ex snuck out a different door and down the hall to where the kids were to find out for herself . The older boy had cut his arm on a toy and needed a band - aid , but she looked so panicked that Phil went with her while I held onto the younger child , Little Guy . Then , Little Guy decided to throw a tantrum , probably because his mother was there , and Phil had to come help me calm him down . Once he got a band - aid , the older child decided to come out and do a bit of yelling , as well , and then finally Mommy swooped in like a hero , calmed everyone down and then refused to speak to me , at all . She and her date left right after that . After that , the kids were cranky , and the party was sort of over , so Phil and I packed up and left , too . I felt so bad for my friends that their party was ruined ! After discussing it , Phil and I decided that he needed to stand up to her and explain that the polite thing would have been for her to have left , once she realized that we were already there as invited guests , to avoid the sort of mess that happened . Of course , when he did that , she told him that I was the one that was immature and impolite and refused to acknowledge that he was right . ( You might get a letter from the ex , too . Phil told her that I was going to ask you for your opinion and she said she couldn 't wait to see it and that she might give you her version , too , so that you could ' properly decide ' . ) 1204 - 12 Background : My ex , Phil , and I have been divorced for more than 3 years . He has been in a relationship with another woman , Melanie , for 6 years . Yes , there is some causality there . Our relationship is civil , even friendly , when dealing with matters relating to our two beautiful children . Melanie does not speak to me , at all , and Phil does an admirable job of never putting us on the same patch of land if it can be avoided . Of course , the 2 or 3 times that it couldn 't be avoided , she dedicated herself to the task of making sure that everyone in the room , including the kids , knew that he belongs to HER , now , which is silly and defensive and completely understandable . Trust issues abound . In the years since our divorce , Phil has explained our split to family and friends as me being " controlling " because I wanted to " choose his friends " , notably , Melanie . The list of things that he says that I am guilty of is long and odd and has no actual basis in reality and all serve as an excuse , in his eyes , for him to have engaged in his extramarital " friendship " . His family , of whom I was and am very fond , were initially stuck in the middle but , over time have , of course , stayed on his side of the " fence " , so to speak , which is also completely understandable . When I see them , we are all very cordial with one another but there is no communication outside of the occasional holiday drop off or chance meeting in the grocery store . I have no idea what they ACTUALLY think of the whole situation and tend to think that they believe him , which is out of my control . I recently began dating an extremely lovely gentleman by the name of Richard Irish ( his last name becomes important later ) . Richard , himself , comes from a blended family , twice over , and has sisters and brothers and step - brothers and a half sister . He speaks of them all often and glowingly and I had been looking forward to meeting them . Initially , as we are both divorced , we took things quite slowly and spent our limited time together getting to know one another and adventuring together , just the two of us . Last month , we decided to take the " this is getting serious " plunge and introduce one another to our children , which went better than we could have even hoped for . The kids are all similar ages and had a great time playing games , running around and telling stories about Mom and Dad . With the holidays upon us , we each have a bunch of invitations to answer both personally and professionally . The weekend after Thanksgiving , he had been invited to one of his brothers ' homes for a family get together and asked me if I would join him which , of course , I did . We arrived at his brother 's house at the same time as his sister and another brother and introductions were made in front of the house . His brother is employed in sales and is one of those fellows that immediately offers his hand and full name in greeting . Upon hearing his ( step ) brother 's name , John Italian , I had a little mental start as his last name is not only not the same as Richard 's , which was to be expected , but it 's also not a very common name and one I know well as a good friend and colleague of Phil and Melanie 's has the same , uncommon last name . I shrugged the possibility off as both unlikely and unimportant and we continued into the house to meet the rest of Richard 's large family . Coats and hellos and the dog barking as we walked in and suddenly there was a small person wrapped around my legs . My younger son , 8 years old , was there ! ! I turned around , baffled , and came face to face with my older son , 10 years old , as well ! Richard looked as confused as I did , until I saw that his ( step ) brother , John Italian was , indeed , the same person who is close , personal friends with my ex - husband and his fiancé . This party was at John 's house and he had invited Phil and Melanie and the kids , not knowing , at all , that there was any connection between them and Richard 's new girlfriend . We said our hellos and Phil and I exchanged an ironic look and an awkward hug and then endeavored to give each other a wide berth for the remainder of the afternoon . I asked Richard , early on , if I should , perhaps , bow out and he wouldn 't hear of it . I had a lovely time with Richard 's entire family and loved the fact that my own kids were there , as well , to show them off a little bit . John and I ended up in the kitchen for a bit , talking , as he had some concerns about me dating his brother considering some of the things that he had heard about me from Melanie . I told him that there were three sides to every story and that I would be happy to talk to him about anything that he wanted to talk about , but I wondered if that moment was the right one and he agreed so we made a date for coffee later in the week . Shortly thereafter , Melanie came into the kitchen to get something and saw me helping John 's wife do the dishes while a few of us chatted . She came over to the sink and , without a word , took the sponge from my hand and told me that it was " her turn " to hang with her " dearest friends on the planet " . Not wanting to cause a scene , I wiped my hands , backed away from the sink and started to leave the room . John and Richard , sitting at the table , immediately made room for me there and asked me to sit down with them so that they could finish their story , so I did . Several times , Melanie went out of her way to lean over or around me , awkwardly . I said nothing about it , made no faces - I HATE scenes and I ESPECIALLY hated the idea of THIS scene in THIS place with THESE people . My little guy came running breathlessly into the kitchen at this point yelling , " Mommy ! Mommy ! " I stood up and he started to speak at warp speed about his brother and a cut while pulling me out of the kitchen . As he passed behind Melanie , she stepped back from the sink , grabbed his hand from mine and told me , " I 'll take care of it , they 're on my time , now . Sit . " He told her that he wanted Mommy to fix it and tried to pull away from her . She knelt down and started to give him a speech about the difference between ' Mommy Time ' and ' Daddy and Melanie Time ' , while all that I could think about was " his brother and a cut " so I stepped out of the kitchen through another door and went in search of my older son . As I passed by Phil , he saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong and I told him and we both ventured to the playroom where the kids were playing games to find Big Guy sitting there with a fairly large cut on his forearm , bleeding heavily , having fallen back on a toy with a sharp edge . At this point , I could hear Little Guy having a meltdown in the kitchen and , as Big Guy wanted me to fix his cut , Phil squeezed my arm and told me that he would handle Little Guy and left the room . There was quite a brouhaha in the kitchen while I was in the bathroom and John 's wife came in to check on us , practically in tears about the wound . I told her to please not worry about the cut , it happens , little boys roughhouse , it wasn 't mortal and she shouldn 't feel so bad . Upon finishing up in the bathroom , though , she wouldn 't let me leave as we could still hear raised voices in the kitchen . Melanie , evidently , insisted to Little Guy that when he 's on ' Daddy and Melanie Time ' that he can ONLY ask them for help , no matter who else is around and he has to let only them handle it . Little Guy told her that he wanted Mommy to help because Mommy was the best at fixing cuts . They both insisted on their own point of view and Richard , John and Phil all had to get involved to convince Melanie to back off and let Little Guy go . The continued raised voices in the kitchen were , evidently , a new tirade about the inappropriateness of me being present at the party , me butting in on her and Phil 's time , me swooping in to rescue a situation that they were perfectly capable of handling , etc . I stood patiently in the bathroom with John 's wife , waiting for the argument to end . It was the first time that I heard , first hand , exactly how awful and horrible a person I am and have been for years and years . I was hoping against hope that my kids were too engaged , again , to be listening to it , in any case . John 's wife just held my hand and patted my arm and apologized every few minutes . I finally exited the bathroom , at that point , against John 's wife 's protest . I sat down on the floor between my two boys and did my best to explain that everyone just wants to take care of them and do the best thing for them and we were scared about Big Guy 's cut so everyone got a little bit crazy and we needed to calm down , say we 're sorry and move on . I was SEETHING inside but letting the boys know that wasn 't going to help anything , at all , at that point . Phil pushed Melanie to apologize and I encouraged the boys to accept it and everyone moved off into their own corners , not feeling at all better but having given it a go . I looked at Richard and asked him if we could leave and he went to gather our coats . Phil was murmuring to Melanie and she finally looked at me to say something . I put my hand up and told her that I was meeting all of these folks for the first time and my kids were there and I did not trust myself not to make a scene right then and there , so I would prefer to leave without any further conversation between us . She responded that they were her kids , too , now and I was going to have to learn to deal with that . Richard wrapped my coat around my shoulders , turned me around and we left before I tried to kill her or said another word . The next evening , when bringing the boys back to me , Phil asked why I had stayed when I knew that it would cause so much turmoil . I told him that I stayed because I was hoping that my relationship with this man who was actually RELATED to the other people at the party was actually going somewhere and because I presumed , 3 - 6 years later , that the three of us could be adults and there would be no turmoil and because , once I walked in , had I walked back out , the boys would have been disappointed and asked a thousand questions that no one wants to answer yet . He told me that it would have been easier if I had just left and let Richard enjoy the party with them . I told him that he was entitled to his opinion . Should I have left as soon as I realized the awkward circumstances ? Phil still insists that that 's the only way to avoid this situation in the future , should it ever come up again . I told him that I left HIM for that reason and that his fiancée needs to grow up . 1204 - 12 Isn 't it fascinating to actually hear both sides of a dilemma ? This unique situation did confirm to me that it is possible to get to the nitty gritty issues without ever hearing the other side , however . I had already reached conclusions and my opinion based solely on the first submission I had received which was the stepmom , Melanie 's story . Receiving the ex - wife 's submission merely confirmed my initial thoughts . So here goes … . 1 . Children are never , ever , EVER to be used as pawns in adult games and conflicts . There are no caveats to this , no exemptions . You don 't hide behind the children , don 't use them to be your mouthpiece , don 't manipulate them in order to achieve control over another adult , you don 't draw them into the fray as an ally , and the list goes on . Children should never be used as the " battleground " over which adults choose to fight . 2 . One question often repeated by me on this site and one I believe everyone should be use to assess motivations is , " Who is being served by this ? " A lot of etiquette dilemmas could be avoided if people thought to ask this question of themselves . If you are serving your own agendas , you are probably wading into dire Etiquette Hell straits and need to back out before you really screw it up . Stepmom Melanie admits that Ex - wife / Mom , " doesn 't say anything bad about us to their two kids " , which is far more decent than most divorced parents . Ex - wife / Mom is serving her kids , and indirectly her ex - husband and his fiancee , by not poisoning their minds to serve her own agenda . Whether they trust and fall in love with their soon - to - be step mom will rise or fall solely on Stepmom 's own behavior . The children became the battleground when Stepmom Melanie initiated an " avoidable mess " regarding the ADULT issue of how children are to be shared by literally restraining Little Guy from getting help from his primary caregiver , his mother . Moms in general are the more nurturing parent and it stands to reason that if something is amiss , a child will go to the parent that has the most input in their lives which in this case is Ex - wife / Mom . If we ask the question , " Who is being served ? " , of this situation , clearly the child is being served when he seeks comfort and help from his primary parent . Stepmom Melanie betrayed her own agenda to serve herself when she turned a minor crisis into an opportunity to enforce her fiance 's custody of his children . If you had backed away and let Mom and Dad handle the problem , all would have been over within 10 minutes with peace reigning in the host 's house . There was a whole lot of adult drama and angst about a few minutes of parental custody " vagueness " in the midst of a minor emergency that was completely unnecessary . I am somewhat baffled as to how Stepmom / Melanie can call Little Guy and Big Guy " ours " when it is highly unlikely the judge awarded shared custody to a mother and father and his fiancee . Bearing the title of " fiancee " or even " wife " does not bestow upon a person the rights and privileges of having a child 's trust and affection . It is completely unrealistic to believe that a child , in a situation he considers an emergency , should not go directly to his mother but rather mentally remember which parent has legal custody at the moment and choose that parent . In other words Melanie , you took up your fiance 's offense about custody issues and in the world of etiquette there isn 't a whole lot of grace extended to you . You will have a happier future marriage and relationship with your stepkids and even their mother if you fade into the background on these matters . If Phil is not willing to address custody issues he may have with his wife or chooses to not address it in the midst of a crisis , you are not helping matters being his mouthpiece . Step back and think , " Who is being served " ? , and if the answer is , " The children are best being serving " , you won 't go wrong . A warning to Ex - wife / Mom . I noticed how , in this story , you used the children as your mouthpiece to really drive home the point of how poorly you view Melanie . The kids may have said as you reported and believe Melanie to be a wicked witch but they are still too young to understand the consequences of their words and you reporting their behavior to others exposes their indiscretions and does plant in listeners ' minds a picture that you may think is unflattering to Melanie but I would also council is unflattering to your kids and you . I sincerely hope you are not doing this in real life as this would be an example of misusing children as allies in an adult conflict . A host decides who he or she would like to invite into their home or wedding or any other function they happen to be hosting . A guest has no business whatsoever influencing the guest list or adding to it or working surreptitiously behind the scenes to discourage other guests from attending . If you feel you cannot be civil for a few hours , then by all means YOU decline the invitation . Here on Ehell , we are all about taking responsibility for your own actions since one cannot be responsible nor change the actions of others . Calling the host to imply an ultimatum that its either you or the other guest is beyond rude and again , serves who ? You ! You 've put the host in the incredibly awkward position of having to take sides in your stupid divorce wars all because you cannot grow up and learn to act like civil adults . The host 's home , or where it is they have chosen to host their shindig , is neutral ground in the personal wars . Truces must be made and kept , peace accords honored on neutral ground . That means you learn to act like civil , decent , respectable guests in your host 's home . There is a time and place for serious discussions and a holiday party is not one of them . My father divorced my mother long after the kids had grown and left home but he was a true gentleman who behaved with utmost decorum and civility on the occasions where he and Mom were in attendance at family functions . I still remember with fondness the memory of he and Mom dancing together at my niece 's wedding as they both put aside any differences they had to make the wedding all about their granddaughter . They talked pleasantly and even laughed a few times during the dance and afterwards went to their separate tables . My Dad never behaved in a way that encouraged the taking of sides in the divorce and to this day , I consider that a gift . What is the legacy you are leaving your children ? What memories are you giving your children ? Should Ex - Wife have left when she realized her ex - husband and his fiancee were also at the party ? Hospitality is not a game wherein the first guest to arrive stakes out his / her territory and the spouse that arrives later loses and must leave . Again , this is using the host 's home as a battleground and what will result is a perpetual contest to see who can get to a party first . The decision as to whether to stay or leave lies solely with the person who believes he / she themselves cannot or will not behave civilly . There are always caveats to certain rules and I can imagine there are situations where the other guest will , no doubt , make a scene thus compelling you to leave for the peace of all . But if one acts with maturity , civility and graciousness in these situations , it becomes glaringly obvious which guest is the real troublemaking dramatist and one has to believe that their invitations will dry up while yours increase . As a frequent hostess , you best believe I would " catch on " as to who was actually the instigator of the drama and boot them from future guests lists . So , Phil , if you believe you or your fiancee cannot behave in a civil , respectful manner in your host 's home while your ex - wife is in attendance , then by all means please decline the invitation or leave . It is completely unacceptable to suggest that Ex - wife 's date , Richard , can stay at the party while she must depart . Why not you stay and Melanie goes home ? Both women have acknowledged that you and Ex - wife work hard to be civil for the sake of the children and the logical conclusion I reach is that Melanie is the dramatic fly in the ointment . I 'm going to be even harsher than your ex - wife and counsel you to consider whether you are concerned by the fact that your youngest son got used in some stupid tug of war over custody by Melanie that had more to do about her insecurities than concern for the child . I have no idea if this has been a pattern of behavior or if it is the first time but if this type of behavior continues , you have a serious dilemma on your hands . Because your children 's wellbeing and their relationships with you may be sacrificed on the altar of someone else 's agendas , ego and self - esteem and that would be a tragedy . |
We received notice of a lovely quasi - gift from the supermarket where I do most of our shopping . They sent a card which you could redeem for a poinsettia plant the next time you did your shopping . My initial thought was that I could take it out to the cemetery to put on the boys ' grave until Christmas , when I have a little tree that I got at Big Lots yesterday ( and decorated to match the article I was working on all day ! ) I checked out the plant display , took a look at the size pot that the poinsettia was in and realized that it was about 10x too big to fit in that little hole they give you for flowers and plants . There only seemed to be only one size available . I thought about picking up a plant anyway and bringing it home , but then I realized that my F . S . S . prevents me from really being able to enjoy the lovely plant . Walt has F . S . S . too , which makes it that much worse . What ? You never heard of F . S . S . Around here we call it " Flat Surface Syndrome . " People with F . S . S . have this strange aversion to seeing any bare flat surface , so any flat surface becomes a place to lay " stuff . " I remember back before we moved to Davis , when we ordered a new mattress for one of the kids ' beds . There was something wrong with the mattress and it had to be returned . We moved it out into the living room , awaiting the guys who were going to pick it up . Within a matter of a few hours , you couldn 't see the top of the box that held the mattress . It was covered with toys and clothes . It was a new flat surface that had to be filled . There is another problem that people with F . S . S . have . Once you put something on a flat surface , it immediately disappears . It exists only in some dusty portion of your brain which vaguely remembers putting it down , but until you 've searched the house for an hour looking for the slip of paper with an important phone number on it does the dust clear and suddenly you remember putting it on top of the box that 's on top of the platter that 's inside the salad bowl that 's on top of the trivet on top of the kitchen couPosted by This was " being a writer " day . I am in the process of writing a feature article on the 30 year history of the Davis Children 's Nutcracker . I 've been kind of working on this piece for several weeks now , in bits and pieces . Suddenly things kind of all got busy and all of a sudden I realized that the deadline is tomorrow . I 'd already conducted the most important interviews , but I wanted to fill in with other folks and I still had to choose photos and there was a photo shoot of this year 's production . A lot to get done in a day ! I really want this to be a good piece because our life in Davis has been inexorably connected to the Davis Children 's Nutcracker . All five kids were in the very first production , in 1977 , when nobody realized that 30 years later they would still be doing a show . That first show had a cast of 50 , a huge undertaking by any standards , but now the show has a cast of 200 , and there is such demand to be in it that the city holds a lottery to see who gets in . Thank goodness for the age of the Internet . The entire history of this show is available on line , including programs from almost every show , lots of photos from almost every show and , from a certain point forward , streaming video of the production itself . If a newspaper article was ever written , that 's there too . Out of curiosity , I went back and checked . At least one of our kids was in the first three productions , then there was a 2 year break and from 1982 to 1989 Jeri , Ned , Paul and sometimes Walt worked tech for the show . Paul is listed in the 1992 program ( I think he was running the theatre at that time ) , and Ned has worked the last two productions and is working again this year . Ned came back because his best friend Greg asked him to help . Greg worked tech in his first Nutcracker in 1982 , when he was 15 , and now his children have been in it for several years . So anyway , there is pressure to do this all well . I took time off in the middle of the day to drive Walt to Woodland ( 10 miles away ) for a 5 minute dental appointment , but then we stPosted by Someone told me lately that she has no telephone land line and uses only her cell phone . She added that her main source of communication was either by cell phone or by e - mail and if old friends didn 't use e - mail , she rarely thought to communicate with them . I was a " mail junkie " from an early age , as early as grammar school . I wrote volumes to friends when I went on vacation . I had a succession of pen pals in England that I got from a woman with the improbable name of Mrs . Chegwidden . People used to cringe because if they sent me a letter , they would get a lengthy reply back by return mail . I wrote at least one letter a day to a friend for 3 or 4 years , sometimes more than one letter a day . I always assured people know that I really didn 't expect the same speedy or voluminous response from them , but was that I was just happy to hear from them whenever they had the time to write . I now keep copies of all the letters I write ( because I use the computer , of course ) . I just checked , and in the entire year of 2007 , I sent a total EIGHT letters , only three of which were actually personal notes . Two were thank yous for gifts I had received , and one in October was in response to a form letter I 'd been sent from someone I hadn 't heard from in many years ( she did not respond ) . The other five were letters to businesses complimenting service or complaining about service , and one letter to the editor . Yesterday I came across an interesting blog entry by a guy who had examined the whole issue of communication in depth and actually had charted the progression of methods of communication . ( He left out Utterz , which I 've started to use at least once a day . ) I realized how my method of communication has changed . The bulk of my communication with people now is by blogging and e - mail . ( I am always surprised at how many people that I know in real life read this journal , so it becomes almost another way of writing a daily letter to all my friends and acquaintances , I guess . In fact , my mother told me once that people never call me becPosted by Poor little Belle . She actually was better today . I think that given enough time - - probably a long time - - she will be able to trust people and be able to be adopted . But it 's just going to take time . I took her out in the back yard on the leash and she actually walked quite well with me , so I decided to try her on a walk around the block . Well , I don 't know if that was a good idea or not . The first 2 / 3 was fine . She walked next to me just like a normal dog and as long as I didn 't look at her or look like I might touch her , she was fine , but the last 1 / 3 she fought the leash , tried to bite it , and tried to twist out of it . I had horrible visions of her getting loose and my never finding her again ( which definitely would have been the case had she gotten loose ) . She was as relieved to be back in her cage as I was to have her there , but then something must have spooked her and she got loose . When I had fed her that morning I apparently hadn 't locked the door tightly and when I looked out of my office , the cage was empty and Belle nowhere to be found . She soon turned up at the back door , sans leash . This meant that she was uncatchable . I left the back door open and just left her alone to come and go , figuring that it would be Megan 's problem to catch her when it was time for the dog to leave . But with her running loose , I began to notice that she was becoming more bold . Oh a looooonnnng way from being able to be touched , but instead of hugging the wall and slinking around the room , she actually poked her head into the kitchen when I was there and didn 't immediately jump away until I actually moved . She didn 't do that 2 days ago . Also , I 've been very conscientious about being loving with Sheila and Lizzie around Belle and I had noticed she watched closely . So Lizzie and I were in the front hall . Lizzie jumped up to rest her paws against me and I was giving her a lot of loving and I noticed that Belle , who had been standing back about three feet , actually started moving toward us . It was the closest she had ever comePosted by We 're in the process of " evolving " Christmas traditions around here . This is the very first year in about 40 years that I will not be hosting our Christmas party . And I have to admit that I 'm kind of happy about it . It makes sense for Ned & Marta to do it . They will have their own Christmas party a couple of days before , so their house will be all decorated , they are just finishing their " party room , " so they have lots of space and I jumped at the offer when Marta suggested it . Of course I 'll still take care of the turkey and the pumpkin pie , but I 'll carry them to Sacramento to cook . But , for the first time in memory , we won 't have to experience " Mom 's Annual Christmas Crisis . " This year it would have been particularly bad , since Walt only has the use of one arm , and with Lizzie deciding recently that " rug " = " grass " thing , we 've had to go to great lengths to keep the living room a poop free zone . I 'm not sure where Walt got the orange fencing , but we 've propped it with a dog cage and on the other side of it is the vaporizer that Ashley loaned us for dogs with kennel cough . The red blanket on the chair has made that chair Lizzie 's bed . To the right of this picture , there is an overturned dining room table chair to keep Lizzie from pooping on the other side of the room . She seems not to eliminate in the area where she and Sheila sleep , fortunately . As you can see , " cleaning up " for Christmas would have been a bit more challenging this year . We don 't " entertain " and so with Ned & Marta willing to host Christmas , and with Walt 's arm in a cast ( or trying to recover if the cast gets taken off on December 6 ) , it 's going to be more difficult for him to do the stuff that he usually does , so I don 't even want to put up a tree this year . It doesn 't seem worth it , somehow . I might dust and call that " Christmas decoration " ! Oh how I wish I were one of those people who always has cute little holiday decorations all over the house , but that 's the kind of place I like to visit and , after 42 years , not the kind of house I 'm likBev Sykes This is Belle . Belle is in the cage because , trust me , that 's really where she wants to be , where nobody can get to her . Ashley called me this afternoon on an emergency basis . They needed to find homes for Belle and her brother immediately . I 'm not too clear on the details , but apparently the dogs were dropped in the night drop at the animal shelter and someone from the SPCA realized that they had already been in the foster system and apparently had escaped or something . Ashley said I would only need to keep her until Monday and that she would probably be happiest just staying in the cage all the time . Megan brought her by in the late afternoon and said that she had gotten bitten trying to put her in the carrying cage . I suggested we just put the cage itself inside the bigger wire cage , which we did . I didn 't expect Belle to come out immediately and then , of course , have NOWHERE to go because the carrying case was taking up the whole room . My bad idea . So I locked Sheila and Lizzie up in my office and opened the cage door to let Belle out and to remove the carrying case . She came slinking out quickly and ran all over the house ( fortunately there is nowhere she can really go with all the doors closed ) . I didn 't even try to touch her or even look at her . I wanted her to feel unthreatened . She peed and pooped so much it makes me think that she hadn 't relieved herself all day . She ran around the house , tail between her legs , against all the walls and doors where she felt safer , not out in the open . Lizzie and Sheila were all right in my office for awhile but then Lizzie really really wanted to get out . I decided to introduce just one dog to Belle before introducing two . Lizzie seemed to know that this was a dog who wanted to be left alone , so mostly she did . She was more interested in getting inside the cage to check it out . Belle was very leery about everything . Eventually I let Sheila out too and just left the door to my office opened . That 's when I discovered Belle knew about dog doors . Once outside she could run Posted by Turkey is supposed to be loaded with tryptophan , a chemical known to produce sleepiness . I didn 't have a lot of turkey at dinner last night and even less of it on my sandwich for lunch today , but I 'm sticking with the tryptophan defense for my lethargy today . The very last thing I wanted to do was to hit the stores at 4 a . m . on Black Friday . Until about 11 a . m . , I worked on photos and video . Not a lot of photos , and not a lot of video , but a lot of breaks . Then at 11 , I went to a friend 's house and helped her put together a video greeting which I helped upload to YouTube . It really was kind of fun doing the project , and even more fun watching her run outside to stalk a tree squirrel with a water - uzi during the course of the morning ! They had apparently had a riotous Thanksgiving with the grandchildren , including extensively decorating the house . Most of the decorations were gone by the time I got there , but they still had the " flamerky " standing in the living room greeting the guests . Back home to catch up on more computer stuff . It had been my honest intent to do a couple of telephone interviews for my upcoming article , but it was nearly 11 p . m . before I remembered that , so they never got done after all . There 's always tomorrow , right ? In the late afternoon , Luna 's foster family came to pick her up . I think they really hoped that we would bond with her and agree to keep her , but in the past couple of days she has wreaked so much havoc around here , the more comfortable she became , that I was counting the minutes until she left . She tore up a large size box of kleenex , knocked everything from the end table onto the floor more than once , tore up a bag of dog food ( fortunately a nearly empty one ) , had begun devouring my copy of " The Thunderbolt Kid , " among other things . She 's a very sweet , very loving little puppy , but needs a very active lifestyle and very firm hand and I am not good at either of those qualities . After Luna left , we all relaxed . The dogs went back to their old places and slept more soundly than thePosted by We met " Shaniqua " in the flesh last night . Well , not exactly her flesh . . . When I was pregnant with Jeri , we knew that she would be a " gerry " whether boy or girl . She was to be named either for her godmother or for an Irish guy , Jerry O ' Keefe , both of whom had a role in Walt and I getting married . But we didn 't want anybody to know the real name of the baby , so we chose the name of an obscure saint , " Eleutherius " and we called her Eleutherius until she was born and we revealed her real name . Tom and Laurel haven 't chosen a name yet , so they are calling the baby Shaniqua for now , and so we were able to " meet " her in utero . Laurel definitely looks pregnant and Tom likes to kid her about how much weight she has gained . I have to admit it 's very cool sitting there knowing that is our granddaughter inside that little belly . It was a full day . I took Luna over to the puppy - sitter 's house before we left . That was pretty exciting because the street where I turn had a flock of wild turkeys walking across it . Wild turkeys have become a real problem at the nearby cemetery and you do occasionally see them walking down the street . Luna went crazy trying to get at the bird . I tried to take a photo of it with my cell phone , because I didn 't have a camera with me , but the photo turned out terrible . . . ( I will be so glad when the contract on my cell phone expires and I can upgrade to a better one ! ! ! ) We drove to my mother 's and I decided to drive out through the country as far as I could go . It was a glorious day , sunny , crisp , pollution - free . We drive out to the town of Winters and then cut over to I - 80 to meet the traffic . Fortunately most of the heavy traffic seemed to be going in the opposite direction . This was a huge day for my mother because it was the day the doctor had told her she could finally take the elastic stocking off her leg . Her accident occurred January 3 and on November 22 she was finally back to normal again . Ned and Marta were the next to arrive , with their dog , Bouncer , who immediately became my mother 's bestPosted by This being " national gluttony week , " I thought I would follow Mary 's lead and make a list of foods I love . I might need 2 or 3 pages ( I didn 't get to look this way being picky about food ! ) This being Thanksgiving week , I will lead off with my mother 's turkey stuffing . Still the best ( except when I make it , I use more butter and substitute dried cranberries for olives ) . And pumpkin pie , of course . Unadorned with things like Cool Whip or whipping cream . Just plain pumpkin pie , made with pumpkin from the can using the recipe on the can . Fresh cracked Dungeness crab . None of that stuff that has been packed in brine or topped with salad dressing , or ( worst of all ) mixed with Old Bay seasoning . Fresh from the boiling pot . Pure and unadulterated . Cheesecake . Mostly unadulterated , but if you want to toss some berry - type topping on it , I won 't stop you . Roast leg of lamb . My choice over beef any day . My favorite birthday dinner when I was growing up was leg of lamb , mashed potatoes , and peas ( preferably frozen , not fresh or . . . bleccchhhh . . . canned ) , followed by white cake with a bittersweet chocolate frosting . I haven 't been able to duplicate that frosting in my adulthood . Clam dip . Of course . With nice dipping potato chips . I will hover , if given the opportunity . Potato salad . My father made the best potato salad , and now my mother does . The secret ingredient is sweet pickle relish . Yum - o . Chocolate . Of course . Now I do have my preferences . I prefer milk chocolate over dark chocolate ( unless the dark chocolate covers some sort of raspberry filling ) . Sees makes my favorite boxed candies . Lindt truffles are wonderful . And , in spite of liking chocolate , I 'm not really a big fan of chocolate cakes . Corn on the cob . I spent years not able to eat it because of dental problems and fear I was losing my teeth . Now that I have all my teeth and they are healthy , bring it on ! Artichokes . Really just an excuse to scoop up Best Foods mayonnaise , but still good . . . especially the heart . Best Foods mayonnaise . ( one of my few " must buy " brPosted by I lifted the following from a blog called " Yakkety Yak . " Scary stuff : Yesterday , during homeroom , students were asked to fill out a survey to test their knowledge of world topics . The results from my class ( ages 17 and 18 ) were disturbing , to say the least . After looking over the survey , three students declined to participate because , " I don 't know that stuff . " This is how the other twelve responded . True or false : Hawaii was the 51st state . Six out of twelve said that statement is true . True or false : Latin Americans speak Latin . Ten out of twelve said that statement is true . What is the national religion of Israel ? Four students left it blank . One said Israel is the national religion of Israel . Four said Muslim . One said Islam . Two said Christianity . Not one student got it right . What language is spoken in the United Kingdom ? One student left it blank . Another answered " Enishlish . " Name two countries that border the United States . Two students left it blank . One answered " North and South . " What is Darfur ? Where is it located ? Three students answered " I don 't know . " Three left it blank . One answered , " a country in the Middle East . " Another answered , " U . S . " Another said Darfur is " a midget . " I swear he was not trying to be funny . He read the word Darfur as " dwarf . " Yet another read the word as " draft , " and answered , " When the army pick you name to go to the army . " I don 't know about you , but I 'm scared . The scariest thing for me is that this doesn 't surprise me . I never watch " Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader " but I did watch it the other night because it was celebrity week and the guest celebrity was former American Idol finalist Kelly Pickler . I 've always thought she was just the cutest thing around , not the brightest bulb in the bunch , but still very cute and very talented . I was curious to see her on the show . It made me groan . On the question " Budapest is the capital of which European country ? " she said that she thought Europe was a country . When her 5th graBev Sykes Who knew ? These posters have hung in my bathroom since we finished writing the first Lamplighters history in 1981 . I got the idea to use them for bathroom decoration from a woman we interviewed for the book . It 's been driving me nuts all day today that I can 't remember who it was . I only remember that I think she 's dead now . The posters are done by artist Rex May and were , at one time , the lobby cards for the theatre . Alison , Carolyn and I found them in with all the other un - treasured treasures in the Lamplighters warehouse when we started organizing the collection . I don 't know if Carolyn took a set of posters , but Alison and I did . Somewhere in my house the rest of the set - - four other posters , I believe - - are packed away . At one time , long after I 'd left the company , someone found the posters and offered them for sale in the then - Lamplighters gift shop . Today we went to the annual Champagne Gala at the Herbst Theatre , next to the War Memorial Opera House in San Francisco . This is the company 's big fund raiser of the year . We had the " cheap " seats ( $ 60 - - $ 55 for Walt because he 's an old guy ) . Before the show there was a silent auction in the outer lobby of Herbst , with different stations set up around the huge room . There were gourmet food gift baskets and trips and dinners at fancy restaurants . And then off in a corner was a table for Lamplighter memorabilia . Imagine my surprise when I checked it out . Yes , there on display were the very same posters I have hanging in my bathroom and " lost " somewhere else in the house . When I checked the bids , they were all each over $ 100 . And here I had " stolen " my set from a garbage bag in the Lamplighters office 20 + years ago . There were also some " historic " programs , which I have pasted in scrapbooks somewhere around here . The price of those was pretty amazing too . Proves that " value " is definitely in the eye of the beholder ! ! ! It had been a fun day . Ned came over in the morning with his new dog , Bouncer . It was pandemonium around here for awhile with the dogs racing in and Posted by I just finished a book called " Second Chances , " by Joan Banks , which is a fast read of what are essentially short stores , case histories , really , of dogs who have been adopted from PetFinder . Each one will have you choked up , whether from the terrible mistreatment that dogs received prior to being picked up by some rescue group and placed for adoption , or from the happily - ever - after endings of the stories of the dogs chosen to go into the book . It makes you feel good about taking care of all these dogs " in transit " from whatever situation they were in before being rescued by the SPCA and their forever homes . The stories of dogs caged all of their lives until rescued , dogs who are afraid of their shadow , the dogs ( like Rupert ) who were abused before being abandoned . To give these guys a little love , even for a short time , is a good thing . We now have Luna . Luna actually has a foster family , but they are going out of town for the week , so she is staying here . She is a 3 month old Lab / Aussie Shepherd mix and she 's very sweet , but my lord is she loud . I finally had to bring her in the house and close the door because she stands outside and just barks and barks and barks . She seems to get along fairly well with the house dogs , after the obligatory ritual of butt sniffing was finally over . She and Lizzie seem to be always vacillating among play , establishing top dog status , and fighting . It is exhausting . I also think she screwed up the TV by stepping on the remote when I went to the bathroom . Tomorrow we are going off to SF for the Lamplighters Gala and , given the barking and the potential for fighting , I 'm afraid Ms . Luna is going to have to spend several hours in a cage . Someone from the SPCA has volunteered to come and let her out to pee at some point , and someone else will take care of her on Thanksgiving , when we will be gone all day . Every new dog is an adventure ! I 've had some feedback on one of my reviews , and it 's very frustrating . I seem to get more negative feedback from good reviews than I do from bad . ThePosted by This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am ! |
The trees are budding and the snow is melting here in Denver , and I 'm really hoping that the warmer temperatures are here to stay . Has anyone began cleaning out their closets yet ? I know I have a few things I need to bag up . You know who 's closet is cleaned out ? Sox Places . I noticed that we are in bad shape when it comes to some essentials for our kids down here who probably feel the elements a little deeper than the rest of us . So for you , I made a special list , a list of things that we ALWAYS love getting , in no particular order . This might be a " thank you captain obvious " moment for most of you since our name is Sox Place , but I wanted to remind all you that we really do love socks a lot . Some of you may or may not know that when Doyle embarked on his mission to help the street kids of Denver years ago , he researched that socks are one of the highest under donated items to the homeless and so he began delivering socks . Thus how our place got its name . These go appreciated in all shapes , sizes , and textures . Yoga pants , sweats , dress pants , denim , you name it our kids wear it and in multiple layers ! I 've had several people looking for nicer pants because they had an upcoming interview that they wanted to look good for . I 've also had many other people looking for water proof sweats or good sturdy denim . All shapes and sizes are appreciated but Men 's jeans tend to be the most highly sought after item , and one we don 't see much of . I know that it 's spring break for everyone else but for us stuck in Denver it 's cold ! It 's legit snowing as a write this post . Even when it 's warm here our kids still sleep outside and need those layers of jackets and coats , so really this is an item that everyone appreciates . We have a lovely gentleman that brings by expired cakes , cookies , and doughnuts from grocery stores once a week , and has been doing this for a long time . He is such a blessing and just the coolest guy . When we hand out food , dessert is always the fastest item leaving the shelves . It takes some conserving and planning to make sure our sweets last us all week long but a little help goes a long way . So if you 're thinking of donating but not sure where to start , cookies is a great place to start . I had to explain to a five - year - old this year why people sleep outside and what it means to be homeless . The best thing I could come up with during this hard conversation was comparing it to the time he went camping and slept outside in a sleeping bag . It 's like that , but in a city , and everyday . Shelter is scarce and anything to protect them from the elements help . We loves shoes for our kids and right now we are desperately running low on shoes for all our attendees . Tennis shoes , skate shoes , professional shoes , boots and slippers are all highly sought after items that fly off the shelf . You know that pair of Vans that you haven 't worn for the past couple of months ? Our kids will wear those until the soles fall out . Or those tennis shoes your fifteen year old grew out of ? We totally would love those too . What if they don 't have shoe laces anymore ? We won 't ask questions but we would be really grateful if you brought a pack of those with you ! Talk about something that we rarely see come through . Our kids down here aren 't that picky when it comes to pants . A size too small or too large is always doable especially if we have a belt to give with it . They don 't have to be in perfect shape , maybe one of the notches wore out and broke through , that 's okay ! We only get belts maybe once every couple of months and they go fast . Meat & Proteins While you 're cleaning out your closet don 't forget to clean that fridge ! ( : We try and make sure that our kids are getting fed until they 're full and are eating balanced meals while they 're here . Usually we try to incorporate meat or some sort of proteins for the kids that come by to see us . Ground hamburger , taco meat , chicken and hot dogs are a few of the things we love to see stocked in our freezers . That about sums up our spring cleaning list . We love you guys and all the support you have continued to give Sox Place over the years . We survive on our faith and the hearts of the people that are making donations to our ministry . Without that we would have shut down a long time ago . Continue to pray for us as we wage war on the wicked problems homelessness by continuously showing these kids love and grace , something they don 't get many other places . Clark arrived at the hospital where he found police officials and the offender discussing the girl who lay helpless on her hospital bed . " Go home and don 't do it again , " said the officer to the dealer . Clark couldn 't believe his ears , how were they not doing anything to bring this guy to justice ? It was his duty to take matters into his own hands , and keep his promise . Later , Clark broke into the heroine dealer 's house with a custom made 10 pound hatchet in hand , that later found itself in the side of the man 's head . He then proceeded to tape him from head to toe " mummifying him " where he was later found barely alive . Clark left the house with everything he could sell in order to help pay for the poor girls hospital bills . Clark ( although not his real name ) is now 36 years old with a buzzed hair cut and an infectious broken smile that reaches all the way up to his eyes . Years ago he had run into Doyle when he was just 17 at Skyline Park , a couple years before Sox Place was an actual place and before he ever went to prison . Every fiber of his being urges to take care of those around him and he 's ended up serving a life sentence of trying to discover the difference between love and vengeance . His first case had landed him in prison facing 198 years being charged with everything from aggravated armed robberies to violent crimes . Through a series of court dates and judges , Clark was released after just six years back onto the streets . The first time he was released from prison in 2005 he ran into what is now known as Sox Place . This is where his friendship with Doyle all began . However , he had no idea what that would mean to him so many years down the road . " When Sox first showed up downtown , the way he was dressed and being an older gentleman , we thought he was down here to kidnap us , " said Clark , " Hell , I was only 17 years old . And most of the kids down here were still younger than me . Once we realized that he was down here not to cause us harm , but to help us , I think that 's about the time that I felt like I could begin trusting him , " said Clark . Originally he found himself thrust into street living in the summer of 88 ' when his step - dad had beaten up his mother one night and Clark tried to kill him . For the same reason that he avenged his friends girlfriend . " To me , I was doing the right thing , my logic was , if you put your hands on her , then I will put my hands on you , " he said . Where the world is dark and the justice system seems more like a threat than a source of protection , it 's common for street kids to take matters into their own hands . Helping someone usually means hurting someone else , even if it 's themselves . The lines between being a giving person and taking vengeance are blurred , and often times they mean the same thing . " I 've done things that I do regret but , theres things that given the chance , I would do them again , " he said with a sigh , recalling scene by scene the time he got a ticket for stripping himself naked in order to give someone else dry clothes . " I 'd rather help somebody else than myself . Some people tell me that 's what my downfall is , that I don 't try to take care of myself , I try to take care of everybody else first . " It 's hard to know what a good person is , and what a giving man looks like when you 've never seen one . Many struggle with not having someone real to look up to or learn from , forcing them to base it off pop culture or what the world tells them . That is , until they meet someone who is willing to show them . Clark approached Doyle a little while ago asking about a drivers license . " I walked up to him and said ' If I go find out what I have to do to get my license back … ' he didn 't even let me finish my sentence and Doyle said , ' yeah let me know what I can do to help you get it back . ' That just shows me that there is good people and Sox and Jordan are how I want to be . I want to be where I can help people like they do . They 've done so much for me , I want to do it for other people . I talked to Sox the other day when I stayed late and that was the first time I told him about what my uncle did to me . I saw in his face and his eyes how hurt that made him feel . " Pain , he saw it in Doyle 's reaction just like he saw it all over his mothers face when he broke down at eight years old and told her about what had been going on . " After a couple months of my uncle shooting me up with meth and molesting me , he started bringing friends in . For two years I was passed around from him to his friends to their friends , the whole time I was high as a kite and didn 't know anything . I didn 't know what was going on or that it was wrong , and I didn 't know to tell anybody . As I got older I realized that it wasn 't right . I tried to kill him , " Clark spoke coldly about his uncle . This resulted in a 30 year long drug addiction to meth and an open door to all the other drugs that he could get his hands on . To be introduced to a drug of that strength at such a young age steered the entire course of Clarks life . At one point he was holding down 15 hour day jobs in construction " I was doing that on drugs like normal people would drink a cup of coffee to go to work , " he said . Clark has been a slave to drugs for almost all his life . Brothers gone . Sisters gone . Friends gone . Wife gone . They too were slaves , and they died at the hands of their master . Seventeen months clean , but back on the streets , Clark 's eyes are open to the destruction drugs like meth has caused in his circle of friends . Anger , frustration and a lack of hope plague his body like a disease . " I see people I 've grown up with and people I consider my family and the shape they 're in because they 're still doing drugs and it breaks my heart . It breaks my heart to see them that way , it makes me want to slap the shit out of them . In the middle of things Sox and Jordan are down here too . They don 't do this for money , they do it to help and that does make me feel a little bit better . There wasn 't shit like this when I was a kid . Now there 's a bunch of young kids here and they 're doing the same stupid shit we were doing , but the only difference now is that they 've actually got someone down here trying to help them . And yet , they 're disrespectful , " Clark shakes his head that is covered by a black hat with a white superman symbol embroidered on the front . Drugs and death run rampant among his friends and family , and he feels responsible for the lives of those that are close to him . One of the most devastating realities he has had to face is that no matter how much Clark puts himself last and his friends first , there 's a good chance that drugs will always win . Most of his life he 's dealt with conflict by fighting fire by throwing himself into the fire and sacrificing his happiness for those around him . Attempting to live like the superman symbol that runs across his hat stands for . " I 've made a name for myself down here for being the one who doesn 't care . If you do something wrong , you 're going to know . I 've been talking to Doyle and what I 've realized is that it 's not worth being like that anymore . Sox has helped me by sitting down and talking to me and helping me get clean and wanting to stay clean , " said Clark . Clark has always been trying to do the right thing for the people in his life even if it 's not something that he knows how to do . He 's someone who has felt the backlash of trying to be a hero for the hurting . What he needs is a way out of the way that he 's always used as his way out . He needs hope . He is searching for what is means to be a man , and to be a hero without sending him to prison . After years of people telling him he can 't be apart of something greater , he 's grown skeptical of the world . Even his relationship with Doyle has found itself hanging by a single thread at times . But it hasn 't ever deterred him from having a deep respect for Doyle and Jordan , instead it 's presented a model of what it looks like to be a giving man . He 's watched for years how Doyle and Jordan have helped so many others and for the first time Clark has someone that he can look to . Our screen printing business has seen it 's ups and downs and right now it 's headed in a really great direction . I got a chance to catch up with Chuck Freeman ( You can call him Chuckie ) who has joined our team down in Denver to run our Screen Printing business that helps fund the ministry of Sox Place . We 're stoked to have him on our team ! CF : From the first time I ever came to Sox Place , there was something about the atmosphere that led me to where I am today . I wanted to be apart of Sox Place . I didn 't care what I had to do , I just wanted to be apart of it . Whether it was sweeping the allies , or hanging with the kids . I just knew I had to be apart of this and be involved in what Sox Place is doing for these kids . It just makes sense that there was going to be a place for me here . CF : Jordan and I were hanging out at his place and he was expressing the need he had for someone who could do graphic design and do this trade . Ironically enough , unknown to him , this is what I went to school for . Somewhere along the line I went a different direction in what I was educated in , but this was something I knew and was trained to do . One thing led to another and I began receiving emails and design projects and that turned into what it is now . CF : One of the directions that Sox Place Screen Printing was heading for some time was a separation from Sox Place itself . It was basically a stand alone business in relation to the drop in center . Myself , Doyle , and Jordan all agreed that it didn 't make any sense for it to take that direction . We all believe that it should be intertwined and the Screen Printing should be more associated with the drop in center than ever before . We want to create consistent branding across all entities . No matter if Sox Place is printing tee shirts , building hot rods , changing the oil on someones car . No matter what we want the same logo , same colors , and same look across the board . Which was not the case before . CF : What we do is like no one else in the trade . Your money is better spent here than with any other business . 100 % of our profits go back into Sox Place . So with any tee shirt , garment , hoodie and hand bag , all the profits from those transactions goes to meals and provisions . Basically we are doing exactly what our tagline says , which is changing lives of street youth one tee shirt at a time . A note from our Co - Founder , Executive Director , and pastor Doyle Robinson : " These kind of stories are difficult because so much is in the story - pain of rejection , isolation , ridicule , confusion , and questions that seems to be without answers . We here at Sox Place , and it starts with me , know what our command from God is : Love Him with everything and then our neighbor as we do ourselves . Jesus used the example of a Samaritan helping a stranger ( probable a Jew ) , pretty self explanatory - love those who are different than we are , strangers , different . We at Sox Place embrace those God brings to us because we were embraced first by the outlandish , undeserved , crazy love of Jesus ! We embrace them where they are , who they are , not because they are like us or believe like us , all along the way sharing the Gospel of hope , love , acceptance , and redemption . " I took a seat next to Misty at one of the white tables at Sox Place that had traces of spaghetti left from the person that had sat there before . Parked next to the table was a shopping cart full of her valuables that she always kept a close eye on . After having a hard time transitioning from jail back into the community at 20 years of age , she found herself homeless . " I couldn 't afford rent , I couldn 't get a job , due to the nature of my case I 'm often denied work , which sucks , " said Misty with a bit of sass as she sat back in her chair and crossed her arms . Time in jail , years on the streets , and a lack of friendships along the way , Misty has encountered many obstacles to overcome from a very young age . Abandoned at just five years old , Misty 's biological parents moved her to Colorado where her aunt and uncle became her legal guardians . Misty has had a unique life journey by having to navigate her life as someone who identifies as a woman although she was born a male . " Growing up having a gender identification that 's different from most people and having to grow up in the background I grew up in just didn 't mix . My family wouldn 't understand it and I didn 't want to explain to them that I identified that way . They never would have believed anything I ever told them . Instead I just kept my mouth shut , " she said . Regardless of Misty 's family life , she claims that her biggest inspiration in life is her Baptist Grandma who recently passed away . Her Grandmother was the religious backbone of her family and Misty expressed that a major takeaway she always got from church was not to judge others . " I have always used that as a guideline principle for my life . If I judge somebody then I assume I will be judged harder than I already am . I feel judgement pretty harshly as it is , and it hurts me , so I try not to judge others , " Misty said with a sincere tone . Recalling the important people in her life , Misty stared up at the ceiling for a moment as if a projection screen of memories danced above our heads . She spoke very highly of her Grandmother and the impact she had on her life . " The last words my Grandma spoke to me before she passed away has stuck with me . I can remember it like yesterday . Her eyes searched as she recited these words delicately , " My Grandma was more baptist than the rest of my family has ever been . For her to say that she knew I was different and she loved me for the way I was … I took that to heart . It 's been burned on my mind ever since . It showed me what true love is . I 'm striving to make the best decisions , to do my best . I know I 'm not always there but I 'm striving everyday . " Many people came and stopped by during my talk with Misty , asking her about what she was doing later that day or just to hang out with us . There 's no doubt that she is familiar with everyone here at Sox Place , which has been a resource that she has used often during her years on the streets . " It 's where I can find community and of course food " she said with a chuckle . " I can come down here hang out , get on the computers and access Facebook so that I can communicate with friends and family . It 's been a home away from the home I don 't have yet . When I 'm struggling I know that I can come to Doyle or Jordan , I know that somebody will be here to talk to if I need it . " Although Misty has been a frequent attender of Sox Place for the past few years , she has been given the opportunity to make a new start for herself as she 's been approved for a housing voucher . This is a huge step for her and a step in the direction of honoring the instructions of her Grandmother . " I can actually start looking for a place to live . I think that should be easy enough , I 'm just going to sign a lease for whatever opens up first . I 'm not going to be picky . Ive been homeless for three years so there 's no point to bother with picking and choosing , especially because it 's a life time voucher , " she said . Life has a funny way of throwing us into some of the hardest circumstances , and Misty is coming out of a drought . When life seems to dry up its resources , it 's important to hold on tight . There will be always be times in life where hope seems lost . When the time comes to uplift and encourage those around us , do so with a loving heart . It 's hard to say the sort of impact this will have on others ' lives . Misty spoke of a few genuine people that were always there for her . " Tough times , great times , thick and thin , it never mattered . That 's a definition of A friend . It 's just easier to know that I have a friend that is with me regardless of my situation . " If there 's a constant between all the kids I speak with at Sox Place , it 's that they are there for one another . Obviously not everyone gets along , but they each have a web of people that are their " street brothers " or " street sisters . " Many of them have spoke to me about their " street family " and how without them they wouldn 't have made it this long . They realize without community they would die out here . The world is hard , dark and unforgiving . If anyone knows that it 's these guys and girls . What I love about Sox Place is that the street kids include us in their community , and they feel included in ours . They find family here , they find relationship here . Just like they have their friends who have their backs on the streets , they know that they also have Sox Place and everyone that works here has their back too . If there is a new comer to town it 's not long before they end up walking through those big red doors . " What is this place ? " I have been asked countless times by those who have found themselves either stuck in Denver or just traveling through . As someone who sits in the middle between all our readers , our supporters , and our street kids what I see is one very large community . Do you all know that you too are part of these kids lives on a very personal level ? They have their street family , they have Sox Place , these are their resources . When you support us , when you become part of our family then that means these kids also have you . Without your continued support we couldn 't be here for these kids . I love this because , how often in our day to day lives do we get to engage on a deep and personal level with the people in our lives ? I had a friend come to me just last week at the end of her rope . It 's my duty to love her and do what I can to help because she 's part of my community . What if we treated the people we see on a daily basis like we would die without them , and they would die without us ? The truth is without the support of our community , Sox Place couldn 't exist for these kids . I urge you to assess your lives , who is in your community ? Do you have people that surround you that have your back , that you can be real with ? Someone on your team that you can call at 3 A . M . and know they will be there for you ? That 's what this circle is all about . You 're here for us , we 're here for you , and together we 're here for the kids that are battling the streets and attempting to survive and thrive . So thank you for being on our team , for having our backs ! Love you guys . Have you made your New Years Resolution yet ? The first week of January has already spun by , can you believe it ? That may mean that you 've already abandoned those resolutions , or you 're attempting to navigate them the best you can . I didn 't get around to making a list before January 1st but instead I have spent this week trying to figure out what I want to accomplish this year . Should I take up a new hobby , or maybe just try to be better at managing the time I have to focus on the responsibilities I already have ? As a young adult in todays 's world it seems that my attention is being fought for and pulled in every which direction . I remember as a kid hearing adults talk about the days coming and going faster than the year before , but I didn 't understand . As a kid days feel like they take forever to pass . Just the thought of waiting for Christmas to come again seems like it will take a lifetime when you 're a child . When you 're an adult , it 's easy to consider leaving the lights up because you know the Holidays will be here again in a blink of an eye . As I enter into the new year I have realized it 's important is to imagine who you want to be , imagine the life you want . What do you want your relationships look like ? With your kids , with your spouse , with you friends . What does going to work life feel like ? Imagine . Here are some goals and resolutions that I have come up with , as a servant of Christ with a heart for his work . Be Willing to Wait . Sometimes I feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears , or maybe God is simply ignoring me . When I dive into scripture I realize that God can and always will hear my questions , my pleas and cries . I also realize that sometimes he calls his people to wait . When I want things to happen right now , sometimes God is calling for me to be patient . I 'm not the first one he has asked to wait on Him . He kept Moses in a desert for 40 years ! So my first resolution is really to draw near , be faithful to my Father , and be willing to wait on his plan , and not depend on my own . Be Kind to Yourself . We 're already surrounded by so much negativity . The news , the neighbors , the grumpy guy next to your cubicle . Take the first step and treat yourself kindly . Realize who you are , discover who God says you are , and begin to kick those negative thoughts . When we love ourselves , we can to begin to love others better . Which brings me to my next resolution . Be Kind to Others . My mission is to bring Christ 's mission to those that are hungry , broken , and tired . Which is why I find myself at Sox Place on a weekly basis . These kids are not being reached by church on Sundays , but they are on our doorstep every week . Hungry , broken , and tired . I need to remember that I am here to spread the love of Jesus and not for any other reason . Sox Place is not about me , it 's not about Doyle or Jordan , it 's about Jesus . Slow Down . As mentioned in resolution number one , life can feel like it is spinning by so fast , and sometimes it feels like I can 't get a grasp on my life . My resolution is to find time in my day to slow down and enjoy what 's around me . Find time in the company of others and laugh . Or seek solitude by sipping on your favorite cup of tea and dive into a coloring book or a hobby that you really enjoy . Learn to Accept Love . Life is harsh , and sometimes we build these walls so high around our hearts we become unable to receive love . We think we 're protecting ourselves . Or maybe we think we 're protecting others . It 's so important for us to realize we 're not the sum of all the bad things we 've done or of all the bad things that have been done to us . Realize who you are , and be set free from the chains of lies that hold us down and keep us from dreaming . My resolutions are not just for me and how to live my life , but also how I want to treat others . My ultimate resolution is to help others live this way . Help Sox Place kids learn to accept love and to be kind to themselves and others . To encourage my readers to slow down and be willing to wait for God to move in your lives . My ultimate resolution is to be a safe person where judgment can 't be found but empathy can . Christmas is often a time where families and friends join together and celebrate . It is often defined by the presents , the food , and the community . Last Saturday , Sox Place was buzzing with people sharing love with kids and families that will most likely experience the holidays alone . We had countless volunteers serving a big delicious meal , donations of socks , Christmas cards and toys . Even Santa himself made a debut . We were blessed to be able to shower our kids with love during this season , but we could never do this alone ! I am continuously blown away by the hearts of the community surrounding Sox Place and those that have come along side us to do life with us and walk with the street kids of Denver . Below are some pictures of the party ! I am one of those Coloradan 's that LOVES the snow ( and I don 't understand why people live here if they hate the cold ) . When I woke up this morning to almost eight inches of white powder sitting outside my window I instantly felt cozy . I broke out my biggest flannel shirt and leggings and my big fur Sorel 's . Then I remembered … as much as I love snow … I hate Denver traffic especially when it 's snowy . It seems like everyone leaves their brains at home . Please … leave your Mazda Miata 's at home people ! After a frustrating 45 extra minute commute down to Sox Place , I finally parked and headed for the safety and warmth of Sox Place . Once we opened the doors all the kids seemed super grateful to be indoors , could I blame them ? So I stepped outside and hung out with a few of them that were puffin on their cigarettes . One girl asked if I would snag a photo of her as she huddled under the truck . She gave a whole hearted smile and two thumbs up . Mentally my morning came to a halt . Here she is , all smiles , and someone who has been forced to sleep in this crazy cold Denver weather , and here I am , complaining about petty little things like my extra long commute . I begin to feel pretty dumb . These kids teach me new things every day even without doing it intentionally . Christmas is just ten days away and many of these kids , if any , will wake up indoors . I challenge you this Christmas season to slow down . Please don 't get caught up in the Holiday Chaos . Instead I invite you to spend Christmas with someone who might spend Christmas alone this year . Maybe that 's a street kid , or maybe , that 's someone you know at your church or work that has no family near by . Let 's remember to think of others , during Christmas , and throughout the rest of the year . We wanted to share the following 9 News article with our readers about the upcoming Colorado Gives Day . It helps explain a bit more in detail about how it works , and how it can absolutely change the entire financial atmosphere of non - profits in your community , for example the Special Olympics listed below in the article shares what it did for them . Colorado Gives Day is a great opportunity to give to your favorite local non - profit and it helps make your gift go further . Please consider us this December 8th as we rely on our gracious supporters to continue to love and walk along side the street kids of Denver . Being homeless is not about being lazy or relying on " the system . " Being homeless is not about being scummy , smelly , or dirty . Being homeless is more than just being without a house , because a home is more than a roof over your head . Being homeless is about survival . It prevents 1 . 7 million young people in the United States from dreaming , experiencing safety and love on a daily basis . Often I sit down with Doyle in the morning at Sox Place discussing some of the kids that frequently attend , ideas about getting their stories out and God 's role in this ministry . When he recalls specific kids and their stories I can see the tapes rolling in his head as he visualizes past encounters . This time he 's referring to a time when his son Jordan was in grade school . Ultimately being homeless is about you and me . It 's our community and those on the streets are our neighbors . So what does it take for you and me to step up and move to make a difference in our communities ? Maybe you don 't know where to start , I urge you to make a trip down here ! See and experience first hand what we do . Ask where you can help . This might be financially , physically , or spiritually . We are always praying for financial gifts to help keep our heat on and doors open . When groups or individuals pay us a visit and serve a meal , or donate socks , it means so much to us ! Most of all we need to be on your prayer lists . Pray for us , but more importantly pray for our kids . Pray for their survival , pray that they might find freedom , refuge and peace . |
We started out this morning after breakfast with planting seeds in a little clay pot with Paige and put them on the porch to grow and keep watered . Then I painted her toenails blue and massaged her feet with lotion which she loved . Then she was so sweet . She wanted to put lotion on my feet and massage them . : ) Then I packed us a picnic lunch and we headed out for Shakespeare Park for a picnic . We spread a blanket under a shade tree by the water and were in the middle of our picnic when I spotted across the other side of the water a young lady with a nice - looking camera taking photos and pointing our way . I really didn 't think very much about it , just thinking it was someone like me enjoying the beautiful weather and taking photos at this beautiful park . In fact , it even crossed my mind that I hated that we were in her way and she might be trying to get a good landscape photo . In just a few minutes , she walked over to us ( a pretty good little walk ) and asked if she could have our names explaining that she was with the local paper and just taking photos of people enjoying the beautiful weather in different locations around the city . So I told her our names and she asked where we were from and I told her . Then we had a wonderful conversation about mother / daughter relationships , photography , Photoshop , and a lot of different subjects . Paige was just in the paper a few weeks ago and now I wonder if this one will be in the paper one day this week or maybe even tomorrow . I checked the website when I got home and nothing had been posted for the day . I 'll check again tonight and tomorrow . After the park , we went to Books A Million and enjoyed reading a few books and Paige played with the big train set and looked at a few toys . Then we went next door to the pet store and looked around . It was a wonderful day . We enjoyed the weather and our activities . Paige took a nap on the way home and on the couch after we got home which gave me time to finish our dinner and we ate with her daddy and sent her mother a plate . Paw Paw is Sherry About a week ago , I decided to go back to my very first post of this year and read it . It was really a strange sensation reading it . I felt the very same excitement as I did that day beginning this blog and something very new for me . If you want to read it , go here to read it again . I love James Taylor 's words - sliding down and gliding down , try not to try too hard , it 's just a lovely ride . I think I 've been trying too hard lately and worried about a lot of things I had no control over . But I guess that 's just the human condition . I did the best I could and didn 't expect the unexpected . Who know what the rest of this year that I turned 60 will hold ? I love the photo above . I think it illustrates the lyrics to the song . Here is Paige , with a cast on her arm , and she 's just holding both arms high up in the sky , sliding down and gliding down . She 's trying not to try too hard and just having a lovely ride . : ) I just went through a long post about these kitties and blogger didn 't accept it . I don 't know what went wrong and it 's after 1 am here so I 'm going to shorten this post . These cats were feline college buddies . The one in the top photo that you see the best is Rudi , my youngest daughter 's cat , that she nursed and saved his life . He was found as an orphan . She even got up during the night while she was going to nursing school to feed him . The next picture , bottom one , was my oldest daughter 's cat . She was rescued , too , and almost died in the very beginning . When my daughter got married , her husband was allergic to cats so we got her . She is a hunter . She caught a hummingbird once . That 's how fast she is . We love them both even though we had just gotten a new dog and cat and didn 't expect to have any more pets - just a dog and a cat . : ) But these two new additions have made our life interesting and more loving . We love our pets , one dog and 3 cats ! Is this not the strangest photo you 've ever seen ? ! ? ha ! I went to help my daughter today . She 's been a little under the weather and I helped her clean out her room she 's trying to make into an office so it can be painted and refurbished . The walls have already been primed and we cleaned it up enough so that the baseboard can be finished and we can paint . While we were cleaning and going through things in there , we came across a couple of cameras . One was a digital camera that used the same card as mine and since my daughter 's digital camera used a different type card , she gave it to me . Naturally , curiosity was getting the best of me so almost as soon as I got home ( after I unloaded the car ) , I put this card into the computer and there were 27 pics on there . Some were from a cruise they went on back in 2005 and this particular photo above was the strangest - looking photo ! I don 't know what happened but it reminds me of one of those children 's books where you have three columns and you can change the top , middle and bottom to get a different picture . haha ! The rest of the photos were ok . We got a lot accomplished and I 'm tired but it 's a good tired of knowing that I helped someone today and they appreciated it . : ) Why in the world would I post a picture of this old dishpan on my blog ? This was the very last thing that I lovingly brought home from my mother 's house . All the family had already pored over all of her " things " and had carefully chosen what they wanted to keep . I think we all did this over and over . Some of us even brought things home and would take them back again . Then my sister - in - law had a yard sale and included some of Mama 's " things " in it . Some of them sold . Some didn 't . Then we called a mission to come get some things . Then Habitat for Humanity . Some things were taken to the curb for garbage pick - up . When all was gone , my brother and I were looking in her old shed in her back yard to see if anything was left and there was this old dishpan . Nobody wanted it . I looked at it and memories came flooding back of seeing that old dishpan in my mother 's hands for different reasons . I slowly bent over and picked it up and just gave my brother this look that he completely understood ( and I 'm sure my sisters would , too ) and said , " I can 't leave this here . I 'm taking this home to shell peas in or something . " He just gave me an understanding smile and shook his head as if to say , " go ahead . I understand . " Today I spent the whole day in my kitchen cleaning out and rearranging which gave me such a sense of accomplishment . The last thing I did in the kitchen tonight was give that old dishpan a good scrubbing with a feeling that I was so glad that I kept it . My husband and I will put it to good use . Mama would be so proud . : ) She did not like to waste anything and liked to put things to good use . We will Mama . You 'll be proud of us . I looked up the word sentimental in the dictionary before I decided to post this . My dictionary gives the definition as : easily affected by emotions such as love , sympathy , sadness , etc . , often in a way that seems silly to other people . That 's me ! It may seem silly to some other people to keep that old dishpan but I guess I 'm just sentimental . : ) Posted by It doesn 't look like much but it took a long time ! My day started with freezing okra from the Farmer 's Market . It was a labor of love because I only like okra breaded and fried ( or maybe you could bake it ? I 'll have to check into that ! ) but my husband loves it boiled and now my grandchild does so I froze it in the whole pods . Anyway , that 's done . Next my husband starts complaining about not being able to find a lid for a certain " Tupperware " container so I pull out all those type containers and start trying to match the tops . I have about 50 % success . ha ! It 's all still sitting on the counter . I left . I took him with me and went to Target to shop . That was more fun . Then we went to an hour and a half choir practice , came home to eat and I 've been on the computer watching TV . The tupperware is still on the counter . I 'll tackle it tomorrow . I 'm trying to do a little cleaning out for a yard sale , hopefully in the fall , as I go everyday anyway . So I just looked at it as an opportunity to clean out for the yard sale instead of getting upset about the complaining . Now he 's complaining that the counters are full of tupperware . ha ! Can 't win . But I will stay positive and will finish that little job tomorrow morning . I also enjoyed talking to one of my mother 's sisters and packaged up some goodies to send her that I know she 'll enjoy . It doesn 't sound like a lot but the day 's gone . They sure do go by fast nowadays . As I said in my very first post , you might as well enjoy the ride , right ? Thank you , James Taylor ! Today was " Paw Paw Day " ! We had Paige today and had our day planned . First thing in the morning , we played golf and , of course , Paw Paw was everything . Then we had lunch and went to get my mother - in - law to help her with some banking and then on to the park to play and feed the ducks . She would not let anyone do anything for her or with her except Paw Paw . It was so funny . But we had a wonderful time . Here are my " ducks in a row " ! ha ! I didn 't realize they were in a row like this until I imported them onto the computer and looked at them . I took probably a half dozen shots of these cute little baby ducks and as I was looking at them tonight , I realized it all was just point and shoot and wanted to point out a couple of mistakes . Paige really brought my attention to this one above . She wanted to see the pictures I took of the ducks and when she saw this one , she said , " you cut the Mama 's tail off , Bear Bear " ! And I did ! But I do love the three little ducks in a row ! Here 's the second mistake I found . Since I was shooting in a hurry and not paying attention to any details or composition or anything , I saw this mistake later . You can see the shadow of my head reflected in the water . Of course , with today 's cropping tools , etc . , a duck or two could be cropped into an ok photo . Another " fresh " , positive day ! Posted by It 's been WAY too long since I 've posted and I am really mad at myself for this because I made a commitment to do this every day of this year . But what 's done is done . Today I took a fresh outlook , I hope , for the year . I really didn 't sleep very well last night and had weird dreams but I got up early and decided to walk . The weather was great today . It felt like Fall ! After my walk ( which did wonders for me ) , I got Paige and we headed to the drug store to get some new vitamins I 'm going to try . She was a little too whiny in the drugstore but I just still tried to keep my positive , fresh outlook and just decided she was that way because it was first thing in the morning . After the drug store , we went to the bank to get cash to spend later on in the day and to Wal - Mart to get a picture CD with index prints made . I kept telling her I had a surprise for her later in the day and she seemed to be excited about it . We finally got to the surprise . We went to the Farmer 's Market and bought the fresh food pictured above . She loved it . It was a different kind of shopping and she loved smelling the food and talking about what it was and how you cook it , etc . So we had a feast tonight for supper . We had fresh green beans ( which she helped me snap ) , fresh corn on the cob , fresh cucumber slices , fresh sliced tomatoes from our garden , and fresh peaches for dessert with vanilla ice cream on top ! Yum ! I bought okra to freeze and my husband loves it boiled or fried . I don 't like it boiled but he boiled some for himself and tried it on her and she ate about 7 pieces of boiled okra plus beets ! She loved it ! I don 't like beets either . I bought the zucchini squash to make zucchini bread . Maybe I can do that tomorrow when I freeze the okra . So we did have a fresh day and I 'm hoping tomorrow will be just as fresh ! We enjoy the most beautiful sunsets here . A couple of nights ago , I was in the kitchen working and looked out the back window and saw this . I grabbed my camera with no tripod and took a chance that it would show up in the camera the way it really looked . Sometimes it just turns out too dark but I got lucky this time ! Gosh , this is beautiful ! This rose is a Betty Prior rose . My youngest daughter gave it to me a few years ago and it always flourishes . In fact , it needs cutting back right now because if is SO full of blooms that have finished blooming . I caught this one in beautiful bloom . The color is just wonderful . When a bloom from this rose is open completely , it looks like a dogwood blossom . These next four photos are from the four Knockout Roses we have in our backyard . They are constantly blooming and so easy to take care of . I love the color of these , too . I just love the combination of the sun setting behind these blooms and how the colors " shine " through the blossoms . Knockout really does describe this rose ! Yesterday I felt like I had sort of " turned a corner " , or at least a little corner . I did go upstairs to my sewing room and start organizing things I got from my mother 's house that I wanted for my sewing room and cleaning up in there so I can get started with my hobby again . I had a lot of things to wash and the denim quilt above was one thing I washed and put it outside on my screened - in porch to air dry . After my mother died and my brother and two sisters and I started talking about the things we wanted to keep of hers , the quilt pictured above was the first thing that came to my mind . This quilt is about 45 years old . I really didn 't know what kind of shape it was in or even if it was finished but it is finished . There are places that have worn or frayed or stitches have come loose , etc . and it is very primitive in design but the reason I love this old quilt and wanted it so badly is because of the good memories it brings to me . I think I was about 15 years old when my mother and I worked on this quilt together . It was her idea . She just wanted to cut up old jeans of ours into these little squares and do some sort of design on each square , then join them together into a quilt . I hadn 't done any kind of sewing much at that time . I did take what they called home economics in high school and hated it but I think this was after we worked on this quilt . My mother at that time owned a Merle Norman Cosmetics store and we would work on this quilt there when times were slack . I just have such fond memories of doing this with my mother . Then she put it together . I think she must have zigzagged around each square and then crocheted them all together . I don 't know when she had time to do this because she worked all day and had four children at the time , the youngest being probably around two years old . She was just amazing at the things she accomplished ! Here 's a close - up of one of the squares that I did . You can see how childish my stitches were but I was so proud of those stitches and that design . We made up all of our dPosted by Some golfing buddies of my husband gave us a bush two years or so ago called Bridal Wreath . I 'm not a gardener and had never heard of it . We planted it out back by the pool in a corner and it just stayed green , I think , the first year . Then it bloomed the next year with these beautiful white blooms all over . If I remember right , it only bloomed during the spring . Well , last week I was just outside taking photos of all the pretty flowers around and I thought I saw a bloom on this bush and here it is August ! As I looked closer , I found about three blooms so I just had to get a photo . Isn 't it beautiful ? Does look like a bride , doesn 't it ? And I don 't know why it 's blooming now but I sure did enjoy it while it lasted . Thank you Raymond and Shirley . : - ) I think I like rosebuds better than the open rose . I don 't know why . So here are a few shots of rosebuds from my backyard . What a beauty to behold ! Have you ever " looked under skirts " of flowers ? My husband planted these zinnias a couple of months ago , I guess , and we 've enjoyed all these wonderful colors ! I love zinnias but these did not grow as I 'm accustomed to seeing zinnias grow . He planted the seeds in a big round rather shallow pot and when they grew , they " weeped " over like a fern . Unusual but rather pretty . Above is a yellow one . And here is a pretty orange one . Has anyone else seen zinnias weep instead of standing tall ? Here are some wooden spools that I found at my mother 's house . I was really amazed at how many I found . I knew she had some but thought just a few . There are around 45 ! ! ( I seem to be counting things lately - Barbies last night and wooden spools today ! ha ! ) Last night as my husband and I were watching a movie , I took the thread off all 45 spools ! Then right before I went to bed , I googled wooden spool crafts and found all kinds of things you can do with them , some I would do and some I wouldn 't dare . But I think they look pretty just sitting in this old bowl of my mother 's on her old tea cart . What do you think ? Any ideas ? Here she is - Barbie ! ! This morning I got up and went in the attic of our garage to get some empty boxes to use to pack things for the LAST DAY at my mother 's house . As I was looking around , I saw this box labeled on top - BARBIES . I was in a hurry and didn 't have time to check and see if there really were Barbie dolls in there and decided I would check when I got home . When I got home tonight , I went upstairs in the garage and brought that box down . In the box were 22 Barbies , 2 Barbie little sisters , 5 Kens , and four dolls called Jem dolls . Both of my girls just absolutely loved playing with Barbies but my oldest daughter especially loved those Jem dolls . One was blonde , one had purple hair , one had hot pink hair , and one had bright blue hair . They were in a band and the one song I remember was a song that said they were truly , truly , truly outrageous . Erin substituted a W sound for all R sounds at that age so she would sing that song as twuly outwageous and it was SO cute ! Now that I 'm through at my mother 's , I 'm wanting to go through boxes up in our garage and see what I can find . Pictured above is the only Barbie that was completely dressed right down to her little white high heel shoes . Here 's a close - up of the Barbie above . I wanted you to see that she has on heart earrings ! I think this is the biggest mushroom garden we 've ever had ! I love it and just had to photograph it . My sister was visiting while this little garden popped up and her photos are much better than mine , I think . I hope she posts them on FB . Just playing around with color on this one . It looks like sunshine bathing them in light . I tried to make a psychedelic look but just couldn 't get it . Fun ! I feel like Cinderella trying to get this post in before the clock strikes midnight but I don 't think I made it ! ha ! I love this photo . We spent this past weekend in Nashville . Erin really does a great job at finding us girls something different and fun to do every time . This is just one of the fun things we saw and did this trip . We went to a park called Dragon Park ( I think she said that 's just what the locals call it - I don 't know the " official " name ) . But it had a huge dragon made completely from mosaics and it was beautiful to look at and photograph . I just love all the color . They also had slides , a big sandbox way up high ( I was just told about that . I didn 't actually see this . ) , a seesaw that looked like a ladybug but I didn 't photograph it . It was a nice day weather wise to do this . Afterwards we went to a popsicle place that was fantastic . I had a cantaloupe popsicle that tasted just like fresh canteloupe . There 's more to post about this trip to Nashville which I will do tomorrow . But I don 't think I made it under midnight so two posts may show the same date . Oh well . . . Posted by |
One of them - I called him Trevor in my birthday party lesson - was a mini - misogynist on top of being extra loud and somewhat defiant . Now I understand being excited because you 're at a party and was totally willing to make allowances for that , but this went beyond that . He spent a great deal of time walking around point at or framing his crotch , cupping imaginary breasts , and talking about bottoms . He did this in front of all the other guests - two of whom were female - as well as Ian and the two little guys . I saw a bit of it , but I mostly heard about it second hand from Ian who eventually told him that it wasn 't cool or funny . This didn 't stop him from making disgusting comments , tough . While they were eating , he went on an on about stealing all the poop from the toilets . I can understand how this can be funny to a group of 8 - 10 year olds … the first time . Unfortunately , he just wouldn 't let it die . Another time , he yelled at everyone to " Shut up " essentially because he wasn 't getting any attention . The worst ( in my books ) though , was after we handed out the treat bags . They all got a cap gun because spies need a gun . There was only one green one and Liam requested it the day before . Once the bags were all handed out , Trevor kept going on and on about how he wanted the green one . When I wouldn 't give him what he wanted , he took it … twice ( I caught him the first time and made him give it back ) . The second time , he went so far as to wait until Liam had put it down and then tied it in his bag . I was not amused . Aiden even mentioned in the morning that he thinks that Trevor took the green gun . The second little guy I referred to as Sam . Sam showed up with a broken nose . His mother asked me to make sure that he wasn 't around any rough elbows or anything else that could re - break his nose . I assured her that we 'd make sure he was careful . When she was out of sight , he started moving and I swear he didn 't stop until I yelled at him to sit down after he almost knocked me over ( this was near the end of the party ) . We caught him snooping in Ian 's office and in Liam 's bedroom . He had a habit of being in the opposite part of the house from the rest of the kids : if they were in Aiden 's room , he was in the dining room and if they came upstairs , he tried sneaking around downstairs . Sam ran circles at top speed around the wall dividing the kitchen and living room and didn 't care who he bumped into … he also didn 't apologize . He ignored us when we asked him to stop . He didn 't listen to instructions ( and consequently shot his grandmother during training … you don 't fire as soon as you turn the corner ) and pushed his way to the front when they lined up to try not to trip the laser beam ( streamer ) alarm hallway - he also does not understand the meaning of one at a time . Apparently , he jumped on Aiden 's bed as soon as he got in there . He mucked with Aiden 's Darth Vader bobble head and wound up ruining it . He opened the map of the Enterprise which had been given it Ian by the guy who designed it ( that had been hiding in a closet ) . Over all , he respected nothing and no one . Then there was the incident where he pushed me out of his way while I was holding Callan . I nearly fell over and he didn 't even have the decency to apologize . As it was , there was no need for him to go in that direction . The rest of the kids had come upstairs and turned left into the living room . He decided to go for another lap around the wall . I yelled . I yelled at some other mother 's son and I do not at all feel sorry for it . Granted , I should have just sent him home when he proved that he couldn 't behave , I didn 't want to do that to Aiden . When the dust had settled , Ian and I quickly came to the conclusion that neither of the two boys should be allowed back in our house until they settle down and can behave in modern polite society . We won 't , however tell Aiden that he can 't play with or be friends with them . That would only lead to defiance . I broke the news to Aiden at breakfast and he seemed understanding . He was rather upset that Sam had broken one or two of his toys as it was . I imagine having his parents say that Sam is not allowed back saves him from the embarrassment of - at some point - having to say that he doesn 't want Sam to come back . When it comes to Trevor , Aiden said that he , " kept talking about yucky stuff , " and he didn 't like that . It ended up being the perfect lead - in to how we expect the boys to behave when they 're in someone 's house as guests . It all boils down to , " better than you would at home . " I also laid out the consequences for him should he ever behave like Sam and Trevor did : he won 't be allowed to visit anyone until he proves to us that he knows how to behave . We now have two kids in the house who were born in January . This is unfortunate . Why ? I 'm sorry you thought that , now I 'll have to tell you . For starters , our children are spoiled . Between us , my parents , Ian 's mother , his father , his Aunt and Uncle , and Aiden 's grandfather , the three of them come out of Christmas looking like bandits with all the presents and cash that they get . This leaves us with the problem of trying to figure out what to get for them immediately after they got everything they wanted and some things they didn 't realize that they wanted ( I swear next year they get clothes … but then they 're spoiled and they don 't need clothes either ) . Our oldest ( soon to be 10 ) has developed a little habit of lying . Last year , he told me that he had eaten almost all of his lunch in about 15 minutes - the same child who ( at the time ) took over an hour to eat a meal . He had given his sandwich to another child ( and after he had been caught lying had tried telling me that he was going to get it back … except it turns out that he 'd been giving his sandwiches away for over a week ) . He also , at one point had told me that peanut butter was no longer allowed in his school instead of telling me he didn 't want peanut butter sandwiches anymore ( hence the reason he was giving them away ) . What he didn 't realize is that the school would have to send a note home with the kids to make a change like that . I had checked with the school in September since at the time , all he wanted was PB & J . Now , thanks to a couple instances where he had lied about pushing his little brother , we 've run into a little problem . The middle boy ( months away from 4 years old ) has taken to calling wolf by accusing his brother of hitting him , kicking him , or pushing him . Alas , if we didn 't witness it , we can never be too sure who to believe : the child who would deny it whether he did it or not or the child who would just as soon blame his brother as his own clumsiness . I do not at all encourage lying , but this is an excellent example of when to lie . When it comes down to he - said - she - said ( or in our house he - said - he - said ) you can 't prove anything either way and either everyone gets punished or everyone 's off the hook ( unless it 's a criminal case … then it 's different … don 't break the law ) . This weekend , though , the oldest managed to give us a couple examples of when and how not to lie in the same day . The boys generally get up before me because , thanks to the baby , I don 't really get much sleep until the world starts to wake up ( I swear I get my best sleep between 8AM & 10AM ) . As a result , I require them to have a small breakfast as soon as they get up to tide them over until one of us is up and ready to make a big breakfast ( bacon & eggs , pancakes , french toast … ) . Saturday was a miss , but Sunday , at least one of them actually ate something . I ask every morning on the weekend so I know how long quickly I have to get food on the table . In response to my query as to what he ate , I was told , " Toast … a banana and toast . " The kitchen didn 't look any different from when I went to bed , so I asked him what he did with his plate . After a lot of pausing and false starts , he told me that he put the plate in the dishwasher … the same dishwasher that I had run Saturday night and not emptied . Oops . So I checked the dishwasher for the dirty plate ( and noticed that there was indeed a banana missing ) . There was no dirty plate . The dishwasher had exactly the same dishes in it as when I ran it and there were no used knives or plates anywhere in the kitchen , dining room , or living room . Then it hit me … the toast is a lie . So I confronted him , presented him with the evidence and reminded him that a piece of fruit was an acceptable small breakfast for the weekend and he hadn 't needed the toast anyway and he admitted the lie . At which point , I informed him that it would be in his father 's hands after breakfast . The second case came within an hour of the first . Sunday was Ian 's day to deal with the kids in the morning , so when the middle one came to me for assistance with getting his controller started to join his older brother 's game , I sent him to his father ( horrible , yes , but I was half asleep and Ian had agreed to be the go - to parent for the morning ) . When I got up and saw them both frantically mashing buttons , I thought nothing of it . I figured that he had gotten his father ( which he didn 't do ) or that his brother had helped him . We had added a second controller the previous day so both of the boys and I knew it could be done , and the older one knew how . He also knew that in a single player game , you could switch the character you were using - which you had to do to get through all of the levels . In the two player game , you each control one of the characters and have to cooperate to get through the levels . At one point , around the time their father came upstairs , they asked for help with something . I took the middle boy 's controller and tried to do something with it . It was at that point that I noticed that it wasn 't connected to the game . No one had helped him connect it after all ! I immediately felt horrible , but it turned out that he hadn 't known the difference . His brother had though , and hadn 't done a thing about it . It made the game easier for him if his little brother wasn 't ' helping ' and since the second character is controlled by the game in single player mode . Sadly , he hasn 't learned the concept of plausible deniability and therefore tried denying knowing that his brother wasn 't actually playing . There is no way his father would believe that he didn 't know that it wasn 't a two player game ( he even admitted to switching characters which can 't be done in a two player game ) . Now that he 's proven that he can and will lie rather easily , I find it difficult to trust him when it matters . I know that this will pass , it may not be a phase that he 'll grow out of but we will break him of lying . At least , if he ever wants to be allowed to stay home alone , he 's going to have to build that trust back up . At the same time , though , I have to laugh at how obvious his lies were and how he 's lying over small things that he wouldn 't get in trouble for . I mean , if I were going to lie about something , I 'd at least make sure that it was worth it if I got caught . So last year , when Aiden was still new to our household , he 'd take forever to do anything . In an attempt to a ) make him get ready for school faster and b ) make sure he didn 't look like to total miss matched slob , I picked out his clothing for him every morning while he was eating breakfast . This went on for almost the entire school year ( at least I can 't recall doing it in May and June , though I might have ) before I finally let him dress himself over the summer . Or perhaps that 's not dress himself as he seemed to think that it was acceptable to stay in his pajamas all day ( that 's a story for another time … maybe ) . I spent the summer reminding him to put on clean underwear every day on top of trying to get him to stick to his morning routine so that getting ready for school on Sept . 1 wouldn 't be so hard for him . The problem there , is that his grandmother visited for a few weeks and she often would tell him - in her own way - that it 's okay to not follow the house rules . The result is that he stopped making his bed when he got up , he stayed in his pajamas ( including old underwear ) , he went back to complaining about meals and trying to not eat . All in all , he became more difficult to deal with again , and that stayed with him into the new school year . In a way , this lesson has been in the making since last year . We were still in the rented house over the summer and it had steps leading down to the garage . These steps , combined with Mr . Forgetful 's innate ability to never be responsible for anything led to him not putting his bike away for the majority of summer last year . Ian would frequently remind him to put it away , and yet he would leave it out for weeks at a time ( apparently being in the fenced - in back yard protected it ) . We moved . There are no steps leading to the garage - though there are a few once you get IN the garage … unless you go in from the back alley , in which case there are none . In the spring , he passed a bike safety test so we told him he 'd get to ride to specific places in the neighbourhood this summer . He didn 't . To be fair , the first part of the summer saw the boys banned from playing in the yard due to a massive ant population that Ian was trying to deal with ( ask me about the ant wars sometime ) . I 'm convinced that since the survivors merely migrated to the back corner of the lot that they actually won , but that has nothing to do with Aiden and his bike . Later in the summer , he would occasionally go to the park by our old place to play with the kids he played with last year . I recall one incident where his chain came off and he left his bike on the side of the road to continue home to get a toy ! Finally , September rolled around and we sent him off to school . . on his bike … with a bike lock . Pretty much the whole household was sick at the beginning of September ( I blame Ian ) . One morning , Aiden left his agenda on the table when he left . I ( while still sick ) took it up to the school for him and took that chance to check out his bike . He was actually using his bike lock ! And then he would come home and leave his bike in the backyard . Of course , he learned last year that a fence would protect it ! Nearly two months went by with Aiden leaving his bike in the yard instead of the garage and Ian reminding him , to no avail , to put it away . Then a few things happened : first , Aiden broke the lock on the gate ( I swear it sounded like he was trying to kick the door in ) . Second , he brought friends over ( one of whom had never met before but that 's a story for another day ) through the backyard where his bike supposedly still was . Third , when he left to go to school on Monday , his bike was missing . Not only was his bike missing , but Mr . Forgetful forgot what he had done with it . He grabbed my key to check the garage , then checked his backpack to see if he had his bike lock in case he left his bike behind at school on Friday ( ! ) and then he started thinking that he had left it across the street on the weekend even though he hadn 't touched his helmet since he got home from school on Friday . I believe reality set in a little when he had to walk to school Monday morning … especially since he had been wasting time before getting ready to leave and didn 't have time to go across the street to look for his bike . This is by far the biggest ticket item that he has lost over the past year ( the others being 3 water bottles and a pair of snow pants ) . Unsurprisingly , he 's not too concerned about replacing his bike now that he knows he 'll be paying a portion of the cost of a new one . In fact , when I informed him that he 'd be shelling out some of his own money for a new bike , he resorted to his standard passive - aggressive behaviour for when things don 't get handed to him for nothing and told me that he didn 't want a new bike anyway . The sad news there is that he doesn 't have much of a choice . If he wants some freedom , he 's going to want a bike and he 'll have to take care of it , too . A few weeks ago , we bought Aiden a new watch . The idea behind it was that he could go out and play with his friends and know what time he had to come home . More - so , I wanted him to have a watch when school started because last year he was coming home 20 minutes later than he was told to ( I didn 't realize it took an hour for a 15 - minute walk down the street ) which led me to believe that he had no sense of time whatsoever . So he picked out a fancy Indiglo model that had a Velcro strap . It looked really cute on him ( don 't tell him I called him cute , he might squeal and run away covering his head for fear that kisses may follow ) . So They Said My friends , love is better than anger . Hope is better than fear . Optimism is better than despair . So let us be loving , hopeful and optimistic . And we 'll change the world . - Jack Layton ( 1950 - 2011 ) |
Camping is one of the most popular summer pastimes in Canada . This year , it 's more popular than ever before , with a record number of Albertans planning to enjoy the great outdoors while spending some quality time with loved ones . But for many families in our community , camping is a luxury they cannot afford , and many kids have never been given the opportunity to experience it . When Desmond , a father of three young children , applied to bring his family to one of Bissell Centre 's family camps at Moonlight Bay , he didn 't know what to expect . His family had never gone camping together before . " Money was tight , " he recalls , explaining that he had recently been laid off from work . " I had to hang on to every cent I saved . Before my friend mentioned the camp , I 'd never even thought about doing anything camp - related together . " Desmond , his wife , and his three children were invited to attend a three - day family camp at Moonlight Bay Centre , Bissell Centre 's lakefront property on Wabamun Lake . " I didn 't expect we would get our own cottage , " says Desmond . " I didn 't expect the food to be so good . And I didn 't expect so many activities . The camp was beyond my expectations . " During their three - day getaway , Desmond and his family were able to take a break from the stresses of everyday life . " It gave us the chance to get out of the city , be together , enjoy nature , enjoy the company of other families . " The trip was full of new experiences , especially for Desmond 's children . " It gave them so much to do with the park , the basketball court , the fire pit , the lake … they loved it all ! " Going to camp may have even allowed Desmond 's son to discover a new passion . " He really loved the little basketball court that was there , " Desmond explains . " Before , he didn 't play too much . But when we got home , we bought him a new basketball . " His daughter loved meeting new friends and participating in the arts and crafts , while his wife 's favourite part of the trip was the drumming around the fire pit every evening . Desmond himself was able to go canoeing for the first time in his life . Being away from the noise of the city also allowed Desmond some time to step back and reflect . " I think we 're always learning something while being a parent . All the time . [ I learned ] just how grateful I am to be a dad . Sometimes , I forget how grateful I am to have three beautiful kids . " Desmond 's camping experience was so unforgettable that he hopes to do it again this year . He would ask anyone considering supporting the program to think of how much it means to families like his . " I 'd let them be aware of the impact they would have on the lives of all those families who have gone to camp , " he said . " It 's giving them a chance to experience something they may not have experienced before . [ It ] makes a difference . " Shawn and Davina were married in the summer of 2016 , six years after meeting each other for the first time at an AA meeting . Their earliest days together were difficult , as both were living on a low income while trying to overcome their issues with addiction . After they 'd been living together for a while , they were overjoyed to discover that Davina was pregnant - but their joy would be short - lived . " We ended up losing the baby , " says Shawn . " That was really hard . " Shawn and Davina suffered a relapse shortly afterward that lasted months . Davina knew that they needed to change their lifestyle if they wanted to make a home for Noah , her two - year - old son from a previous relationship . " We cleaned up , " she says . " We weren 't sure if we were going to make it . " Davina decided to enter a one - year treatment program for her addiction . Shawn 's and Davina 's health began to improve , and before long , Davina was pregnant again . " But then , " says Shawn , " The cops came knocking on my door one day and arrested me . " Shawn was detained for a past infraction , and ended up serving several months in the penitentiary in Vancouver . " At my worst , I used to do a lot of bad stuff , " he explained . " The past [ came ] back to haunt me . " Shawn was flown out of Edmonton to serve his sentence , leaving Davina , pregnant and still undergoing treatment , alone . " It was hard , " says Davina . " It was really hard . Being in treatment and writing letters [ to Shawn ] and being pregnant . And then , not having anywhere to go after treatment . " Many times , says Davina , living with poverty and addiction has made her feel " like the scum of society . " " I felt like , here 's the normal people , and then here 's me , " she says . " I didn 't really trust . I felt like I was looked down upon , like I was judged . " Bissell Centre was what helped Davina take the first few steps away from her old life . After her daughter was born , Davina brought her to Bissell Centre 's daycare for the first time . " The staff were so supportive , " she says . " I 've shared my history with [ them ] , and there were no judgements at all . It was open arms . Like , we 're so glad to be able to help you . " " The staff were so supportive . I 've shared my history with [ Bissell Centre ] and there were no judgements at all . It was open arms . Like , we 're so glad to be able to help you . " The daycare service made a world of difference to Davina and Shawn . " We were able to go to [ AA ] meetings , " says Davina . " That was huge . And we were able to do counselling , make appointments … I got to finish treatment … " Shawn cuts in , " We got to put our lives back together . " The daycare program has even allowed Davina to return to school , where she is pursuing her Bachelor 's degree in sociology . " Fatima gives me two days a week so that I can do my schooling during the day , " says Davina . " She gives me extra time if I need to write a paper or study for an exam . And that has helped a lot . I don 't know what I 'd do without Fatima . " Shawn adds , " It takes you from a place where you don 't really trust anybody to a place where you can believe in people again . " Of course , things are still far from perfect for Davina and Shawn and their growing family . Although Shawn is thankful to have a steady source of income , his camp job takes him out of town for weeks at a time , leaving Davina alone much of the time to take care of their children . It will get easier , says Davina , once the kids are old enough to go to school . But for now , Davina and Shawn will have to do what they 've always done : carry on together . Roger arrived in Edmonton 17 years ago , when he was 49 years old . A few years before he moved , he was hurt in a firefighting accident and spent a year in a body cast . After that , he couldn 't go back to firefighting , and started working for a soft drink company instead . He worked there for nine years , while living in Edmonton . When he retired , he found that he could no longer make ends meet and quickly became homeless . That 's when he found out about Bissell Centre , and came for his first visit - about seven years ago . For the next five years , Roger lived on the streets of Edmonton 's inner city . He made a shelter out of a tarp , for himself , down in the river valley . He never carried personal items with him , like photos or mementos , for fear that they would be stolen or damaged . And whenever he could , he 'd come visit us at Bissell Centre . Even though his past has been difficult , the Roger that we 've come to know and love is a man full of compassion and generosity . A few years ago , he lost his sister , a niece and a granddaughter to an impaired driver . But instead of letting bitterness overcome him , he puts his energy into loving the family he does have - as well as his family here at Bissell Centre . " I made a promise to a friend before she passed away . She asked me to help people if I could . I told her I would and I 've done it up to this day . " Not long after he started visiting Bissell Centre regularly , Roger also started volunteering with us . When we asked him if he wanted to help out , he was eager to start giving back . And since he already loved spending time with our community - building trust and friendships with everyone he met - he was the perfect fit . When we asked Roger why he 's so passionate about giving back , he said , " I made a promise to a friend before she passed away . She asked me to help people if I could . I told her I would and I 've done it up to this day . " Getting housed was another part of this commitment - showing by example that it is possible for anyone coming in off the streets to get housed . Employed for many years in the hospitality industry , Joe faced some serious health problems . He couldn 't sustain full time work so Bissell Centre helped with casual labour placements when Joe needed some work . Joe 's health problems were so serious they required six operations to address . Demoralized and losing hope , he was encouraged by social workers to apply for AISH ( Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped ) . This is the story shared with Bissell Centre by one of our supporters , Patti Jones . Thank you for passing it along to us and allowing it to be shared ! We hope it encourages you , your family , your community and / or your place of work to talk about how we view our most vulnerable and what we might be able to do to help . My dad was divorced from my mom when I was six months old . He was an alcoholic most of his life and struggled with his own demons . He lived in the inner city of most of his life - the last few in a rooming house not far from the downtown station . He didn 't give us a lot of opportunity to see him often , but it 's organizations like yours [ Bissell Centre ] that gave him some hope to get through another day . It also gives families , who are in situations similar to our families , the peace of mind that there are places their loved ones can go to for help . I recall one visit my sister and I made to our dad not long before he passed away . He took us on a walk through the neighbourhood late at night , which was a little scary for me and my sister . We went to the liquor store to buy him alcohol , because that was easier to bear than the alternative ( that he might pick through garbage to find bottles to exchange for cash to pay for his booze ) . It was one way we could show him love - understanding that he wasn 't going to change or stop drinking . When we walked with him , many of the street people knew him , ( as Freddy McDougall ) , and we had the opportunity to say hello to his friends . It didn 't take us any longer than that walk to learn they truly look after each other . A few months after that night , my father had not been seen for a few days around the rooming house and it was one of those friends who called the police to report it . The police broke down his door to get in his room and that is when he was found . He had passed away from what they believe was heart failure . Had it not been for such a tight community in that rooming house and neighbourhood , he could have been left unfound much longer . Read More … Recently out of jail , a man came to Bissell Centre looking to make a change in his life . He showed a great deal of motivation , but needed some assistance to gain additional skills and confidence to start a career and get a full - time job . He joined our Moving Up pre - employment program and looked to his peers and program facilitator for support . Through the course of the four week program we helped him develop a work plan , complete job searches , and pick an industry for work - construction ! My name is Jennifer * . I became homeless about four years ago . Prior to becoming homeless , I was in an abusive relationship with a common law partner for approximately 10 years . The moment that I made the decision to leave this relationship was the moment I became homeless . I knew that 's what I was choosing , but the experience that I had in this relationship was so bad that I felt like I had no alternatives . Being homeless is pretty rough . There were many moments when I was homeless that I felt scared and angry . I found that the amount of alcohol I drank increased when I was homeless , and I spent time picking bottles to make enough money to purchase more liquor . I spent most nights at inner city shelters , and at times , when I had no other options I even stayed outside . Read More … The next phase I entered in my journey at Bissell was on the other side of the table - as a program participant . While I was still a volunteer , the manager of Food Services offered me an opportunity to participate in a First Aid Course as part of a women 's program that was running at the time . It was a full day course , offering a certificate in Standard First Aid , as well as infant - level CPR c . Realizing an opportunity for professional development when I see one , I jumped at the offer . There were about 10 of us , all appearing to be of First Nations descent . Some were with child , others said they had to make stressful arrangements to coordinate child care for the day . Read More … Yesterday a lovely family came into our Childcare Centre bearing gifts for our children - mini candy canes , a turkey for our Food Services program , and a beautiful Christmas card and typed letter for our Childcare staff . This family came from Russia a year and a half ago , and moved to Edmonton six months ago with little money and no jobs . They had brought their two daughters ( ages 4 and 2 ) to our Childcare when they first arrived to Edmonton . They needed someone to watch their kids so that they could apply for jobs and do interviews . Once they found employment , they needed our services until they could get their kids into an affordable daycare . They came back yesterday with gratitude on their faces , in their hands , and written in their beautiful card . " Words alone can 't begin to thank you for all the love and care you have given us . We are very grateful to have had your faces to greet us every morning . Without you guys we don 't know how well we would have made it . You helped us in good times and bad and gave us the extra confidence we needed to go on . You were always there to tell us everything will be okay . We are writing to let you know how much we have appreciated the excellent job you have done over the period while my daughters have been attending your daycare centre . They have really thrived in your centre , thanks to your nurturing and creativity . I wrote this little story - a blend of fiction and non - fiction - some years ago and just rediscovered it in my personal archives ( which is a nice way of saying , among the stacks of papers kept in many boxes ) . It was written in the summer - time , but for me , it is a Christmas story about hope and change . I hope you like it . Like you , I am frequently approached for a hand - out by someone on the street . Sometimes I hand over some change . Sometimes I don 't . When I don 't is when I find myself rationalizing that I don 't want to support someone 's drinking habit . Giving them a sandwich would be more appropriate , I tell myself . But of course , I don 't carry a sandwich in my pocket and I don 't go buy them one . I just walk away with my self - sustaining rationale . I bet most of us do that more often than not . Yes , I know . Handing over a dollar won 't solve anything . What difference will I make ? Maybe I will cause more harm than good . Who knows ? Then I remember a fellow I knew years ago . His name was Ernie . He had been on the streets for twenty years - a heavy drinker , the personification of a " bum . " The kind of man you walk around if you see him coming down the street . All of my colleagues figured he would die on the streets . Ernie comes to mind for a couple reasons . First , because he was always willing to share what he had - which wasn 't much - with anyone who asked . He was just that way , an all around nice guy ( despite his rough appearance ) , even when drunk on Lysol or cheap wine . Second , one day Ernie just quit drinking and never started again - at least for as long as I kept track of him anyway , which was for several years . He gave me a big smile and shook his head . " I don 't really know , " he said . " I just woke up one morning and said that 's it . I 'm done . I threw out what little booze I had in my room , took the empties to the depot and headed to the Gold Nugget for breakfast . " Ernie laughed . " I can think of some now , looking back . Like I didn 't want to die yet . But at the time , the honest truth is I didn 't know . I just quit . " He paused for a moment . Ernie had always been a thoughtful man and had an uncanny sense of other people . " You , " he said . " You were good to me - and the others at the drop - in , you know , the workers there . " " Maybe you were , maybe you weren 't , " Ernie said . " But it 's true anyways . It wasn 't that you were social workers . You were just people , decent you know . You gave me change , bummed me smokes , gave me rides when my arthritis was bad . You just hung out and talked . I never got the feeling you were trying to save me . I hated that - people trying to save me . " I don 't know where Ernie is today , but I have a feeling he is alive and sober . He 's still poor no doubt and living day to day on his disability checks . He 's probably still off the streets living in a small room in McCauley or somewhere along 118th Avenue . But one thing I know for sure . When Ernie comes across an outstretched hand , he stops and gives them what he can . Knowing him , he likely has a chat as well . And when he finally does move along , he 's not wondering if he should have bought them a sandwich . Maybe he understands these things better than we do because he was there and then one day things just changed . I figure that if that can happen to an old alcoholic bum named Ernie , maybe it can happen to other folks , too , even folks like you and me . The very last time I saw Ernie was a couple years after I left my job in the inner city . I was walking along Whyte Avenue on my way to Greenwoods to buy a book . He was headed the other way , moving slowly with his wooden cane . As I waved back I caught my reflection in the shop window . I stepped forward to get a better look but then thought better of it . I didn 't want to frighten people in the store gawking like some stalker ! So I crossed the street and walked into the bookstore . I felt different somehow , but wasn 't sure why . All I know is I felt somehow changed by an old man with a bum leg who had quit drinking years ago for reasons he didn 't understand at the time . Like most people , I wish for a lot of things in my life . I hope my children will be happy . I hope my wife loves me as much as I love her . I would like more money , who wouldn 't ? I hope for less violence and pain in the world . |
Well its that time of year again . . . . I 've never been a big New Year 's person . All the New Years resolutions , finding that special someone on New Year 's Eve , kissing them when the ball drops . Never , really been one of the places a lot of my energy has gone , for good or bad , that 's how it is . However , I often take this time of year to think about the past year and think about the future . I don 't really believe in resolutions - I was never good at keeping them , and all it does is allow me to beat myself up for not keeping a " promise " I 've made to myself - instead I 'm currently subscribing to " everything in moderation " . . . a quote I 've seen recently goes something like . . " failing is not in the falling down , but in not getting back up . . . " Another quote that 's been crossing my mind a lot over the past week as I 've pondered the last year and the future , is one I first heard on TV show , and then one of my sorority sisters used it in her greeting during pledging . . . and it is my holiday wish for me , my family and for all of you . . . it goes something like this . . . " May the worst day of the rest of your life be better than the best day of your life so far . " Well . . . I 'm not sure that Tinkerbell and purple won out over iPod the name . It was sort of passed over . The big hit was a HUGE Ariel hut which takes up most of my living room and is now perched in Sunshine 's room so she can sleep in it tonight . She is however now listening to the mP3 player which took way too long to set up . . I kept saying to myself - I should have spent the money for an iPod . . . but it was a life lesson . . I will try to remember not to stress about a present in the future . . . and just do my best to get for Sunshine what I can afford that I think she will like and when at all possible is what she has asked for . . . she didn 't ask for the hut . . but she loves it . But most of all . . . this year , I was very cognizant of enjoying the company I was with . . the time with my family and the spirit of the holiday , finding the joy in each moment and not getting too caught up in the chaos . As Christmas Day comes to a close , I am pleased to announce that I have survived my first Christmas without Sunshine . I followed advice my Mother had given me - she too had spent several Christmases alone after my parents divorced - one of the first ones my Dad took me to Florida for a week , I still remember coming home to my Mom 's and seeing a whole new bedding set that I had been asking for . I slept in , took the dog for a VERY long walk - it was a fantastic day here with lots of sun , went to Mom 's for a lovely brunch and some mother - daughter bonding time . Got an email from from a friend out of town and a call from another friend just to say hi , Merry Christmas and we 're thinking of you . Which was perfect - as I told one of them , I see they got my silent message about needing to hear from good people in my life today ( I 'm not always good at asking for what I need or want , especially when I need or want it most ) . I watched a couple of movies , cleaned my house some , made myself a lovely dinner and am now preparing for Christmas tomorrow . There were sad moments , but I have survived ! Its funny the very first weekend Sunshine was with her Dad , I thought I 'm never going to get through this - I was terrified - I painted 3 rooms in my house to keep myself busy - but I did get through it , and each subsequent one I 've gotten through , even when she 's with him for a full week . As a friend says , it gets easier , never easy , but easier . Just think how prepared I 'll be for her to go to college . . . Sunshine has asked for an iPod for Christmas . When I say asked , I mean , multiple times a day for several weeks . I had a hard time with this - I don 't even have an iPod . I have an mP3 player - its just as good as an iPod , but cost $ 100 less . And , I think she 's pretty young to have such a small expensive gift , just seems like it could so easily be lost . So , I did a lot of research and found these things called Disney Mix Sticks , fairly inexpensive AND they come in purple with Tinkerbell on them . Really , what more could a girl want from life ? But every time Sunshine says . . I really want an iPod , my stomach does a little flip flop - she 's asked for one thing and I didn 't actually get it , I got a variation on a theme . What am I going to do if she 's completely devastated on Christmas ? I keep telling myself she won 't be . . . after all its purple with Tinkerbell ! And then the even larger looming question . . . does the mP3 player arrive from Santa or from Mom ? Perhaps I 'm over thinking this whole thing ? This will be the first year that Sunshine is not with me on Christmas Day , and I 'm a bit stressed about making sure the traditions and the holiday are still special even though they won 't happen for us on THE 25th . Wish me luck . . . may purple and Tinkerbell persevere over a name brand . Along time ago when I was a sorority girl during a pretty tense discussion one of my very wise sisters said . . you know Sorority isn 't all wine and roses , its beer and daisies . I thought about this comment recently . I spend a lot of time focusing on finding the roses . . . and I miss the wonderful daisies that are right in front of or beside me . What does that cryptic comment mean ? It means that I sometimes don 't notice the wonderful people in my life , the colorful daisies that I 've met in my life , or the daisies I 've planted myself because I can get focused on something I think is better . What I forget is that Gerber Daisies are my favorite flower and I 'm not really a big fan of roses ! So , I 'm going to focus a bit more on the daisies I 've met and cultivated and spend a lot less time looking for roses . So , this beer and daisies girl toasts all the wonderful daisies in my life ! Today was ( I guess still is ) my birthday . It was a great day . But , to be honest , last night I was really struggling with the thought of this birthday . Mind you , I love my birthday , its about me ! Last night I kept wondering if anyone would remember my birthday , would the people who I really wanted to remember , remember ? What if they didn 't ? Would I be devastated ? I went so far as to email a few friends who tend to be forgetful and remind them that today was the day to say Happy Birthday ! This may come as a shock - but I 'm not really comfortable being the center of attention unless I have control over the situation . But today I smiled happily when I was called out of my office to my coworkers around a balloon that sang and some very yummy brownies and again when I was called from my office to the 3rd floor around a corner to a crowd of more coworkers with a cake for me . It was nice to feel comfortable in that situation . And you know what , someone who I really wanted to remember my birthday didn 't . And I was okay with it , because other people did . Somewhere along my journey today I realized three things . . . I 've become more graceful - not like a ballet dancer - I 'm just more comfortable in my own skin and more confident . I realized that I 've spent a lot of time in my life expecting people to know what I want without me telling them . . . and that does nothing but set me up for disappointment , its unrealistic to expect people to read my mind . And finally , that I need to be more appreciative of the good people and things in my life and not dwell on the disappointments - some good friends remembered my birthday and called or emailed or stopped by - those are the people I need to focus on in my life - not the one person I wanted so much to remember my day and didn 't . . . and so Happy Birthday to me . . . its good to be born ! Yesterday was filled with lots of holiday preparation . The biggest event was getting and decorating our tree . We chose a " medium " size tree - but I have to tell you , after seeing it in our house - I 'd call this a large tree . We had a great time putting on the decoration and because the tree is so tall , Sunshine actually got on my shoulders to decorate the top , it was nice to work together to make that happen . After tree putting up and decorating and some shopping , I attended a Christmas Yankee swap , the balloon in this video was a gift at the party 4 years ago , it gets taken out and flown each year - its always an adventure to see where it will end up . And in case anyone was wondering - this is how much snow we have already . . . from our first snow of the year , another one is expected tonight . This is way too early for this much snow . . . sigh . . . As I 've progressed through the process of divorce and getting my life back on course I have had to work through a lot of fears . One has and continues to be associated with having my heart broken . Its true , each time your heart is broken it hurts a bit more - but is it really worth avoiding that pain to not feel the joy of love ? There are days I can answer yes to avoiding the pain entirely and days I say emphatically , its worth the pain to experience love . The thing I hadn 't really been cognizant of is that heart break is associated with all type of love , not just romantic love . And why , you ask , such a dark topic in this holiday season ? Just that it hit me today as I got very sad while talking to a friend . I have a few people in my life who are on the precipice of major life changes that will impact them greatly and for various reasons my heart will break for them . My Aunt just heard that her mother has cancer and 4 - 6 months to live . I am sad in so many ways about this , the impending loss of a member of my extended family and for the heart ache my aunt and uncle will face during these next few months and for the complete powerlessness I feel . I have a friend who is starting the divorce process , I know that it is the right thing for everyone involved , but I also know that they all have a long road ahead of them and my heart breaks knowing the tough times ahead for everyone involved . And I have 2 friends who are moving further away from me . That sounds tremendously selfish of me and it probably is . I am happy for them , they are moving to start a new adventure and that 's tremendous . . . but I feel left , not forgotten , but left and I will miss them terribly . About 4 years ago a coworker left to work in another company 20 minutes away at the most - I cried for the first 3 days he was gone on my way to work . We still are in contact fairly regularly , but there is something about good byes that are always very sad for me , even when I know there is a really good reason for the good bye . . . So perhaps my sadness today is to let me knPosted by I said earlier that I had started running . Today I ran my first 5k . If you had asked me 6 months ago if I could ever run for 3 . 1 miles I probably would have laughed in your general direction - but some how I got the bug and have set mini goals for myself . Today was awesome because a bunch of us from my work ran . I also had a friend run with me - which was good motivation , although I 've run the course a couple of times - I 've never actually run with other people - so that was a new experience and we went out WAY too hard - but we were able to recover and finish strong . A coworker ran with his son , and it made me think about how cool it will be to run with Sunshine when she 's a bit older , to do an event with her - - either way - she was there at the end to greet me which was a prize in itself ! In my family , for the most part all of our birthdays are slammed into about 30 days of the year , okay maybe 45 days - but its a lot of celebration in an already heavy celebration season why with Thanksgiving , Christmas , New Years , Martin Luther King Day . . So we try to celebrate them in chunks , being very careful not to combine any of them with an actual holiday that is recognized by the rest of the world - for example , my Mom 's birthday which often falls on Thanksgiving - we celebrate on a different day . My Aunt and Uncle celebrate their anniversary the Saturday after Thanksgiving - but not a specific date . I give my parents a lot of credit for celebrating my birthday the way the did , as close to Christmas as it is it was always a separate event - presents rarely bridge between my birthday and Christmas , baby Jesus has his day , and my parents made sure I did as well . So tonight , we celebrated my Mom 's birthday and my Aunt and Uncle 's anniversary - 24 years . . YEAH THEM ! Sunshine read us some books . . we laughed and told stories and just otherwise enjoyed each other 's company . I 've been pondering those 2 words the last few days as Thanksgiving approaches . . thankful and grateful - literally they mean something pretty similar , but in my mind I separate them into 2 different categories . I often get so caught up in my life and the chaos that can surround it , that I forget to be thankful and grateful , to stop and smell the daisies . Today I saw two signs that I needed to see . . It 's a Wonderful Life and Count your Blessings . I also thought of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving . You know that Linus is a very smart guy , for a guy who carries a blanket around . . . Linus van Pelt : " In the year 1621 , the Pilgrims held their first Thanksgiving feast . They invited the great Indian chief Massasoit , who brought ninety of his brave Indians and a great abundance of food . Governor William Bradford and Captain Miles Standish were honored guests . Elder William Brewster , who was a minister , said a prayer that went something like this : ' We thank God for our homes and our food and our safety in a new land . We thank God for the opportunity to create a new world for freedom and justice . " But Marcie really sums it all up : Marcie : " You heard what Linus was saying out there . Those early Pilgrims were thankful for what had happened to them , and we should be thankful , too . We should just be thankful for being together . I think that 's what they mean by ' Thanksgiving , ' Charlie Brown . " I , like the Pilgrims , am thankful for many thinigs . . . I am thankful for Sunshine , my family , my friends , for the home I have , for my health and that I have a job . I am grateful that I have had the struggles in my life , and that I have grown from them and become a better person because of them . I am grateful that I am presented with challenges and am willing to take them on . I am grateful that I am a big enough person that I can see my own mistakes and be willing to learn from them . I am grateful that I am learning my weaknesses and accepting them and myself more . I hope that you are able to count your blessings on Thanksgiving and every day and that is Posted by I 'm not really sure when quotes became a big deal to me . When I was in sorority , we would have greetings that the pledges needed to say to us when they ran into us on campus , I generally had a quote in mine each year , they were usually song lyrics - I remember one time I had Be a " Fool in the Rain " from the Led Zepplin song as I love the song and to run in the rain . In the past few months I 've been finding quotes in lots of places , exchanging them with a couple of friends . I think I use quotes to help me remember some important concepts that I struggle with - puts it in a succinct format - like a picture for me to remember . I find quotes in lots of places ; songs , movies , or just something someone wise once said . . . Yesterday a friend sent me this one : Benito Suarez : " life is a comedy , . . . and it 's foolish to make it into a drama " Some others I 've come across recently : From The Matchmaker : Sean Kelly : " Sometimes the easy way out is the right way out . " Dan Millman : " Peaceful warriors have the patience to wait until the mud settles and the waters clear . They remain unmoving until the right time , so the right action arises by itself . They do not seek fulfillment , but wait with open arms to welcome all things . " This one I found in a book I was reading with Sunshine and it felt really poignant the time : " You can be happy and sad at the same time , you know . It just happens that way sometimes . " from The Hello , Goodbye WindowBoth of these are from The Upside of AngerLavender " Popeye " Wolfmeyer : " People don 't know how to love . They bite rather than kiss . They slap rather than stroke . Maybe it 's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad , to become suddenly impossible . . . unworkable , an exercise of futility . So they avoid it and seek solace in angst , and fear , and aggression , which are always there and readily available . Or maybe sometimes . . . they just don 't have all the facts . " Lavender " Popeye " Wolfmeyer : " Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks . That 's what I know now . It needs nothing to burn but the aiPosted by Today in an a meeting a friend was reviewing this past weekend 's Thanksgiving celebration and he said , you know what Sunshine is pretty competitive . Some other wise guy said , oh I wonder where she gets that from ? The first friend proceeded to say that it was a lot of fun to play wii with Sunshine . She is very confident , and competitive , but she also showed compassion when the other little girl she was playing wii with wasn 't getting how to play . I missed it during the conversation as it was in the middle of a work meeting , but on my way home tonight , I realized that was a tremendous compliment to me . I am raising a confident and compassionate young lady . YES ! ! ! ! Saturday Sunshine and I attended an annual Thanksgiving gathering at a friend 's house . This is the 4th or 5th year I 've attended , but the tradition has been going on for 9 years . Its a bunch of good friends gathering to eat yummy food , reconnect as we don 't always get to see each other often and to have fun . As would be expected with a bunch of techno - geeks , there is always a bit of mayhem . Two years ago we made potato canons and shot potatoes across the field . This year we launched rockets . So Sunshine and I made a rocket Friday night . And Saturday we launched them . Some eggs were even launched . We played wii , and some played Guitar Hero . We fed the horses . We ate yummy food . And left exhausted . I don 't really know where or when I heard that quote . . . " I know I 'll do something that will have my child in therapy for years " , but it left an impression on me . Being an over achiever and over thinker from way back as a new Mom I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to do it perfectly - because I didn 't want to say " that thing " . I realized somewhere that that 's an insane amount of pressure to put on myself . Regardless , its real , at least for me . I have a friend who has a vivid ( to the point that he remembers what he was wearing ) memory of being 3 and his father telling him to wait a minute and from that moment on he never interrupted his father . He was three , what a monumental moment in his life . When he told me that , it did nothing more than solidify for me that , " that thing " could be said . I started reading Ultra Marathon Man ( stay with me , I swear there is a link ) at the recommendation of a friend . I 'm really enjoying it . He talks about finding joy and passion in running cross country and then he joins the track team and when he tells the track coach he runs from his heart , he doesn 't need splits , the coach laughs at him and he puts away his running shoes for 15 years . Maybe the coach didn 't put him in therapy . . but he said " that thing " that altered the runner 's life . I 'm a single parent , I work a full time job , and often have to work more than a typical 8 hour day . And I like I think the rest of the world have good days and bad days , and I have fantastic parenting moments and I have some not so fantastic parenting moments , even bad parenting moments . And when I think about those bad moments I often wonder did I say " that thing " , that will forever alter Sunshine 's life ? I guess there is also a fantastic version of " that thing " , something that builds self esteem and sends generally warm fuzzies . And I will share one , Sunshine is petite , always has been , and she was struggling with that , the kids always made her be the baby when they played house , but she wanted to be the Mommy sometimes , but they said shPosted by My Mom tells a funny story of visiting the principal to get pointers on how to get me to stop listening to music while I did my homework . The conversation , as I 'm told , went something like this : Mom : I 'm concerned about S listening to music while she does her homework , there is no way she can concentrate . Principal : Are you unhappy with her grades ? Mom : No . Principal : Then what 's the problem ? Music , for much of life has been present . People talk about smells bringing them back to a particular time or place . Music is like that for me , I hear some songs and I remember vividly a person , a place or an event . For some reason after Sunshine was born , I didn 't listen to music much . I don 't know why . Let me clarify , I listened to lullabies and classic nursery rhymes . I even put Sunshine to bed each night with lullabies playing and had a few songs I sang to her ( and still do ) . But none of " my " music . It was maybe 3 years ago that I started to listen to " my " music again . And I was encouraged in June to by an MP3 player - which I did - ( by the way its one of the reasons I 've stuck with the running ) . I 've never been a big country fan ( more of an 80s Hair Band girl ) , but a friend said , you need to listen to Kenny Chesney and made me a cd of some of her favorite songs . I started to enjoy them , and one day had them on while Sunshine and I were cleaning the house . Something wonderful happened - Sunshine and I started dancing . I was swinging her around and she was trying to spin me . I still remember the feeling and how hard we both laughed . Its now become one of those things that we do - to the Hannah Montana Theme song when it comes on , or we turn the stereo on and dance a bit of time away . And you know what ? It 's one of my favorite things . What are some of your favorite times with or memories of your child ( ren ) / childhood ? Last week I was talking with a coworker , a very intelligent young man , highly technical and we were having a difficult time working through a particular process , he wasn 't understanding where I was coming from and I was having difficulty talking at his technical level . At one point he said to me that he didn 't understand why I was looking at the problem the way I was , and I said , I 'd be surprised if you did , our brains work very differently . ( When I said it it didn 't sound quite a snotty as it does in print ) . It was like a light bulb went off in his head . We think differently , so we were trying to solve the problem from two different angles . It reminded me of a time when Sunshine was in Kindergarten and she came home singing " One two Buckle my shoe , three four shut the door , five six pick up sticks , seven eight shut the gate , nine ten a big fat chicken . " It was at that moment that I knew we thought the same , I think in pictures and clearly so does Sunshine . A hen is a chicken right ? It doesn 't rhyme , but she didn 't remember the rhyme , she remembered the picture and put a word to the picture - chicken . I do the same thing I am tremendously visual . People make fun of me at work because I need to draw out what I 'm talking about , clearly , I think , if I have to see the picture to understand it , others must too . Right ? And I often put a similar word with the picture in my head , not the word everyone might know , but the word the picture makes me think of . Recently a friend said to me that I was " scary good " at remember numbers , phone numbers , dates , number things . I think it really is the same thing , I remember pictures , and so I remember the numbers . And clearly Sunshine does too , at least when it comes to poultry ! Sometime this summer I started running . I 'm not exactly sure what all the pieces were that made me start to run . This summer was the second year I participated in the Trek Across Maine . A 3 day bike ride for a total of 180 miles . The first year , it was something I did to get through the divorce , it filled my time when Sunshine was with her Dad , and gave me a focus . The second year , I think I participated because I 'd done it once , so why not again ? I knew what I was getting into and we have a team from work . Funny thing is , when I take on something like this , something that pushes my mental of physical abilities , I become a complete introvert , I internalize my thoughts and feelings and become wholly focused on the goal - so there really is no " team " about it for me . When I was in high school I was the manager for the track team , so I was always around running . One of my favorite sporting events is the 400 meter intermediate hurdles . It is truly a beautiful event to watch . So why did I start running ? I got bored with bike riding - part of it was that I injured my nether regions this year during the Trek so getting back on a bike wasn 't going to happen . I had also told a friend last year to bug me until I was prepared to run a race in May - but I never did it - I made excuses . I wanted to get physically fit , and running was SO far off the radar of anything I thought I could ever do that it became a perfect challenge for me . The fascinating thing , after about 4 months of running , I 'm calmer than I 've ever been . I am less stressed , I laugh more often and easily . There is a line in a Daughtry song : " And I should 've started running a long , long time ago . " Me ? Me blogging ? Well , we 'll see . I 'm at this stage in my life where " things " keep coming around and around again . One of those things is " writing " . As a student , I always did poorly in writing , even when I was in college I had to take a special class about writing to meet the writing standards of the school . Now , one of things I do at work ? Write documentation - and I 'm good at it . And I 've taken to writing down some of my experiences and people say to me , you should write more . So one of my dear friends has been bugging me to start blogging . So I 'm going to listen to all the people telling me to write more and begin writing more . |
There are many memorable characters and scenes , but it was Keturah 's dedication and spirit that pulled me through the story . She stands at the crossroads of youth and adulthood where there are so many possibilities ahead . These possibilities are both thrilling and overwhelming . Her choices strengthen some paths and close off others . It is an exciting time of life . The story also explores the multifaceted relationships between the characters . Sometimes Mother is a mother , other times a friend , other times a healer . Keturah 's childhood friend , and fellow soldier , might become her betrothed . While her captain , and trainer , might just steal her heart . She doesn 't have long to find her way before the Sons ( and Daughter ) of Helaman have to march against the Lamanites . The thing that makes my first novel special to me is the knowledge and faith I gained while writing it . The Lord blessed me . . . and opened my mind to details in the scriptures I had never noticed before . As I wrote Daughter of Helaman and continued on to the next books in the series , I learned to write by the promptings of the Spirit more than by the promptings of my outline . I learned so many things about myself during this process and my testimony increased so much that even if no one else ever gets much from it , I know it was totally worth writing . As a writer , you . . . become attached to your writing . You put so much of yourself into it , and not just your thoughts and ideas . Completing a novel takes a lot of your time . It steals your sleep . It takes an emotional commitment - - you have to basically develop a one - sided relationship with your characters ( sometimes at the expense of your real relationships with real people ! ) And the whole time you 're wondering if your voice is even worth being heard . Though I am completely emotionally involved with my characters and the scriptural events I write about , I really tried not become too attached to the actual writing in Daughter of Helaman . Knowing I was going to have to share it with others by publishing it , I didn 't want to get possessive of it , to think of it as only mine , or become too attached to something an editor might want to change . Still , I love it because it is mine and there is a piece of me on every page and in every character . I agree . While writing a novel isn 't the hardest job in the world , it 's not easy at all . Then it takes courage to share your creation with the world . Today I watched for my brother . Micah had left a month ago to recruit boys for the Ammonite army , and he was supposed to return to the village today . But though I watched for him all morning , I hadn 't seen him yet . Instead , I saw the small group of men traveling north toward Ammonihah . They stayed near the West Road but skulked in the cover of the trees . My goal is to read all the Whitney finalists by April 23rd , and the goal is in sight . I have 13 books left which calculates to reading 1 book every 2 days . * whew * I 'm going to keep posting spotlights . I have 3 that are close to being done , and several more in the works . I hope to get all 35 books spotlighted before the gala . If not , I 'll post a few after the gala . When I read the title , I immediately thought , " Romance , " but I ended up being surprised . This is a story about growing up , wrapped in a murder mystery , wrapped in a historical . So , why the title ? First , this book is all about love and it 's many faces . It 's about love in a family , in a community , between friends , and yes there 's a bit of innocent crush going on , too . This isn 't an in - your - face type of theme . In fact , I didn 't really catch on to it until I 'd finished the entire book . It was cleverly woven into the events of the story . It was the eighth of July , 1957 , when Ollie 's daddy slowed their rusted - out Chevy pickup near the junction of Highway 29 and Carter Road . They had come to set up for a three - day revival . Ollie sat in the truck bed with her sisters . She was thirteen and the oldest of Reverend Love 's five daughters , followed by Martha , Gwen , Camille , and Ellen . Ellen was at Ollie 's side , clutching Baby Doll Sue and singing " Mama 's Little Baby . " Ollie noticed her sister was getting the words twisted up and wrong - - again . It may have been only nine o ' clock in the morning , but the summer sun was already high in the sky and sweating up the land . Fields of soft green barley laid themselves out across the earth in perfect rows - - as if God had reached down and combed them just so . Ollie noticed a carved - up plank of wood that someone long ago had shoved into the dark Southern soil . It read : Binder , Arkansas . I wanted to tell the story of characters who were in a broken situation , but who didn 't consider themselves broken people . I love Jimmy and how , even though he has been terribly mistreated , he still has a deep river of conviction about who he is and what he can someday become . I love Ollie because she sees a boy who needs a friend and lets nothing stop her from being that person . I grew up in a somewhat tough situation . It wasn 't as bad as Jimmy 's , but it was really difficult at times and , in spite of the chaos that surrounded me , I believed in myself . That was what got me through . So , when I started writing , I wanted to share that part of my personal experience on some level and I guess With a Name Like Love is that story . It celebrates family . It celebrates friendship . It shows us that we can overcome trials . It is really a piece of my heart . I enjoyed this story , and couldn 't believe this was a debut novel . There were so many layers to it , and it was put together well and felt natural . I suggest you get your own copy and see for yourself . While I don 't consider myself an Austen fan , I do enjoy her writing . I 've read Pride & Prejudice and liked it . Surprisingly , I liked it more than my wife did , who is a true romance fan . ( I 'm not sure what that says about me , but , thankfully , this spotlight isn 't about me . ) This book was light and enjoyable . The scenes were snappy . The characters and situations were interesting . And Jenni manages to stay true to the original story line . Which , I think , makes the writing that much more impressive . Since I 'm familiar with the original , once I figured out which characters were Elizabeth , Darcy , Jane , Bingley , Lydia , Wickham , Charlotte , and Collins then I knew how things were going to turn out . The story doesn 't try to keep these roles a secret . In fact , several of the characters are named after their archetype . The real fun was in seeing how they were going to fill their roles . Jenni did a good job of making enough changes to keep things modern and interesting . Pride & Popularity is special to me , because not only did it begin my fascinating craving for the writing world ( Teaching me that writing a book was WAY more fun than reading one ! ) , it also launched a career I never knew I would have four years ago . It has changed my life in more ways than one , and allowed me to contribute to the world . I 've written several books ( 10 ) since beginning this one , and all are slotted for publication through different publishers over the next couple of years . I hope every single one gives a happy voice and cheerful hope to those teens who are struggling to find their way right now , or the ones who 'd like to break from the norm and read something light and fun for a change . " Chloe ! " As I spun around in the crowded hallway by my locker , Madison caught me up in a bear hug . She had gone to stay with her cousins in Florida for two months of summer break , and she had come back tan and beautiful . I laughed as I removed a piece of her streaked blond hair that was caught on my backpack . " Wow ! Maddi , you look gorgeous . You obviously had a great time in Florida . " Madison sighed . " It was wonderful ! " " So , tell me , did you find some amazingly hot lifeguard to sweep you off your feet ? " She rolled her eyes . " I wish . " then she glanced at me suspiciously . " So how about you ? Did you find anyone this summer ? " I laughed . " Yeah , right . I just hung out and did my theater gig . Besides , every guy I 'm remotely interested in ends up too self - centered and a total jerk anyway , so - - " " You know , Chloe , one of these days some guys is going to prove you wrong . And when he does you 're going to fall for him hard . Personally , I can 't wait . " Okay , okay . There 's a lot more to it than that , but I don 't know what else to say . The story held me from beginning to end . I didn 't even have time to try to figure out the mystery because I was so worried about what was going to happen next . Smoke Screen gave me the opportunity to go back and develop characters I had grown very attached to in Lockdown . Quinn Lambert had become very three dimensional to me , and I discovered things about him in this book that I hadn 't considered previously . I also had a great time getting to know Taylor and seeing their relationship develop . For the suspense side of things , I enjoyed using some of my CIA background in the development of the story . Writing about CIA headquarters and some of the work I was able to do while I was employed there always feels like an opportunity to go back and visit a time in my life that I very much enjoyed . And of course , I loved seeing how the rest of my Saint Squad was doing since their last book . Quinn Lambert visualized the mission once more in his mind , a mission the whole world was watching on the evening news . Once again pirates had commandeered a vessel in the Indian Ocean , only this time the two Americans on board weren 't just a couple of innocent bystanders who happened to get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time . No , these two hostages had been specifically chosen because of the ransom they could command . Hotel tycoon Monte Eastman and his wife , Georgia , had boarded a friend 's yacht in Sri Lanka for an extended vacation . Four days into their voyage , pirates had intercepted them and had taken control of the vessel . The ransom demands began within hours . If all went as planned , another hour would be all that was needed to end those demands permanently . This morning I was having problems with an electronic gadget , so I took it into the store to get fixed . It always takes a long time , so I decided to grab a book to read . I grabbed Dan Wells 's latest . I 've been looking forward to reading it for some time . It was a good time , no one bothered me . I did notice one person behind the counter look in my direction a few times , but whatever . My device was fixed in , surprisingly , record time , and I was on my way . Has anyone else gotten better service or more attention using this little trick ? If so , I 'd like to hear about it . If not , it might work for you . I enjoyed Miles from Ordinary by Carol Lynch Williams . The whole book kept me off balance , in a good way . As soon as I started to get my feet under me , things would shift again . The story starts with fourteen - year - old Lacey who 's mother has a mental illness . It 's not taken lightly - - it 's not the " mom is crazy and we all have to walk on pins an needles " type of story . Instead , Lacey truly loves her mother , and their daily life incorporates all of Mom 's quirks and symptoms into a " normal " routine for them . That 's the thing about mental illness , it affects everyone . My oldest child has Autism . It 's not severe , but it still shades everything we do and affects all our plans . I remember quite a few years ago having a conversation with several of my neighbors . A family that just moved in asked what restaurants we liked . I shared one of our favorites - - the food was decent and the playplace was arranged in such a way that it was easy to see the kids and also keep an eye on both exits . A good friend of mine put his hand on my shoulder and said , " John , I don 't think I 've ever considered that . Most kids don 't try to escape . " He didn 't say it in a derogatory way , and it really made me think how much my " normal " was really not that normal . Back to the story . We get to accompany Lacey on a day that turns out anything but " normal " , even for her . And when I say day , I mean that the entire story takes place in a single day , but it doesn 't feel rushed or forced . That 's not easy to do . By the evening , the story dives into the darkness and deliciously creepy and downright scary . I love a good scary story , especially one that isn 't gory or crude . Many years ago , I was walking through Utah Valley University when I met a woman who was 45 - years - old and about to become a great - grandmother . A GREAT - GRANDMOTHER ! She , her daughter and her granddaughter all had , or were going to have , babies at or younger than 15 years of age . So , I began a novel about a little girl who 's very young mom is sort of losing it . But I couldn 't make it work , no matter what I tried . Later , much later , I looked back at the book . I had two novels there , somehow , twined together like wrestling snakes . I pulled them apart and began the story of a matriarchal family and a little girl with Progeria . The book was published as Pretty Like Us . Then I went to work on the story of a child who 's mom is suffering . That one became Miles from Ordinary . I think that 's what makes the books important to me - - that I was able to pry the two apart and they were published ( after much revision ) . I also like what makes Lacey succeed , what makes her strong . That she can finally get free of something she has had to carry for too long . I think there are lots of kids out there who are suffering in similar ways . There are mice . Lots of mice . Running all over my room . Letting out crying sounds that grate on my ears . They crawl on my feet . My legs . I feel them on my arms . Soft things with toenails like blunt needles . " Momma ? " I say . She 's dressed in a long nightgown . Her fingernails are sharp like the tops of just - opened cans . " We gotta get rid of the mice . We gotta call an exterminator . " I hand her an old - fashioned phone . " You 're right , Lacey , " Momma says . But instead , she cuts at her face with her nails . Deep wounds open up , split wide , and blood , dark blood like ink , makes paths down her face to the floor . She cries . " Stop that , " I say . " Stop it now . " But Momma doesn 't listen . Just cuts and cries . * * * I AWOKE with a start , my heart thudding in my neck . My whole body felt like I 'd been dunked in an ice bath . " Only a dream , " I said to myself , then glanced at the clock : 3 : 46 A . M . I started to close my eyes . The wind nudged at the house . I could smell the magnolia tree . Something moved in the corner . Ooooo , that 's creepy . I like it . If you like it too , you can read the rest of the chapter and get your own copy . I 'm a firm believer that writers should read stories outside their favorite genres . For me , Miss Delacourt Has Her Day by Heidi Ashworth is one of those books . It 's a Regency - era , light romance with a bit of comedy . I have to admit , it took me a while to get into this story , but once I did I found it had quite a bit of humor and some interesting character perspectives . As I expected , there isn 't a lot of action in the book , although there were some fun scenes near the end . Instead the drama lies in who knows what and who has what power . There were many times I had to stop and remind myself that " Miss Delacourt didn 't know such - and - such " . And even going so far as to try to tease out the motives behind different character 's actions ( which made me feel like quite the socialite ) . There are a lot of different characters each with their own motives , knowledge , and background . The descriptions of the period were good . I got to " see " the clothing , furnishings , transportation , and social activities . And a lot of time spent working through the social ladder of the day . I wrote the first Miss Delacourt book 15 years prior to this one for a class and never really expected it to be published . As a result , I wrote it to please myself and it turned out to be fairly autobiographical when it comes to the central conflict . So , it was a pleasure to revisit the story between these characters who had a lot in common with my husband and me to give them more air time . After 15 years , I had a different perspective on things and hopefully a more mature one . Also , it was a fun challenge to make a sequel work in a genre that " doesn 't do sequels " . Really fun . Oh - - and I adore the cover Here 's a taste of the writing from the Prologue : Why , then , did he feel such a presentiment of doom when the butler entered and placed a thick letter , the address scratched out in a familiar chicken scrawl , into his outstretched hand ? The vellum inside was sure to be replete with more of the same , and since the author rarely had anything to say that promised even a hint of good news , Sir Anthony was tempted to toss the whole of it , unopened , into the fire that burned merrily in the grate . The thought that the composer of this ominous epistle , though in and of himself a harbinger of doom , rarely committed his nay - saying to paper and ink stayed his hand . Reluctantly , he broke the wax indented with the seal of the seventh Duke of Marcross and took in the shockingly brief message . Reed dead ! Sir Anthony thrust the letter with shaking hand into the fire as he should have in the first place . As tragic as it was for his cousin , a man in the prime of life , to have met his end so suddenly , it was tantamount to disaster for Sir Anthony . He would mourn Reed 's death , but he would mourn the demise of his own freedom that much more . Just a moment ago he had been himself , Sir Anthony , a man free of any constraint except for that of impending wedded bliss . Now , he walked from the room with feet like lead , as Crenshaw , the recalcitrant heir to death , duty , and the Duke of Marcross . If you 've never read one of Stephanie 's books you 're missing out . She 's very talented . She 's won the Whitney Award for the last three years , so she 's the one to beat . And this category is no cakewalk either . I 've met Stephanie several times over the years . She is always pleasant and incredibly nice . I don 't know where all those dark , creepy , mysterious thoughts hang out in her psyche , but you 'd never know it to meet her . It 's true . The storylines wove together nicely . And as for interest and tension ( and creepiness and surprise and twists and layers of mystery ) , this book has them . I wish you could read the whole first chapter , and lucky for you , it 's already online . Here are the first few paragraphs to whet your appetite , and a link to the whole thing . Enjoy . Sleet whipped Linda Taylor across the face . She bent her head and trudged along the muddy path that led deeper into the wooded acres of her property . Bare branches dotted with spring buds wouldn 't provide much shelter , but this was exactly what everyone wanted for her , wasn 't it ? Linda , cold and wet and alone . Shoved aside . On the top of the bank that sloped down to the creek , she stopped and listened to the water rushing onward to oblivion , unheeded . Just like Linda . She tried , but did anyone care ? The wind tore at her hood , pulling it off her head . Sleet and rain soaked her hair , but she didn 't bother to fix her hood . It would only blow off again . She 'd freeze out here , but better frostbite than going home to be insulted and ignored . She glanced over her shoulder , but saw only the empty path , bumpy with roots , and the gray - brown branches of trees trembling in the wind . No one cared enough to follow her . When she was dead of hypothermia , they 'd realize what they 'd done to her . Linda wiped her face with numb fingers . She 'd forgotten her gloves . Why hadn 't someone at least brought her some gloves ? How could she possibly remember her gloves when she was so upset ? " I love taking actual facts and weaving them into an adventure . All of the medical details and geographic references in Bloodborne are accurate - - except for the Armageddon virus . But I made that up using characteristics from existing viruses , so its existence is plausible " " One thing many people are surprised to find is real are all the facts about the island of Ni ' ihau . It really is part of the Hawaiian archipelago , and it really does have the largest lakes in the island chain . " I 'd never heard of that island before . If you have , let me know in the comments . Sorry for interrupting again , Gregg , please continue . I want to thank Gregg for answering my questions and for his friendship . Before we go , I want to let the book speak for itself . Here are the first few lines : Erin Cross 's phone plinged and vibrated , indicating the receipt of a text message . The incoming number was a string of zeros ; no name was attached . She pressed View . Several years back , Robison Wells asked me to serve on the committee for the Whitney Awards . I was both flattered and perplexed . I wasn 't an author and wasn 't a publishing insider . Maybe that 's why he chose me . I don 't know , and I didn 't ask . I wasn 't a complete newb . I had started my own company and founded a non - profit , so I knew how that side of it worked . I also knew technology . But I was a newb in so many ways . By - laws - - I could handle . Analyzing and improving processes - - good there . But one of my responsibilities was to judge a category . It was hard . I agonized over each book . Thinking of their strengths and weaknesses . Thinking of the hundreds of hours each author spent on the work . I would narrow things down and re - read scenes and sections until I finally came to a decision . The great thing about the Whitney Awards , is that it 's not just about a select group of judges . Once each category is narrowed down to five finalists , they are sent out to a much larger group , called the Academy , made up of booksellers , publishers , authors , and other publishing professionals . This large group casts their votes , which determine the winners . To be a part of this process sparked something for me , but it wasn 't until I went to my first gala that I really saw what the Awards were about . I met many authors and editors . I saw people moved to tears of happiness and sadness . The conflicting emotions of people cheering on their friends who won , while hiding their own ache of losing ( Consolation Chocolate Cake anyone ? ) . I saw , not a group of competitors , but comrades in arms . Then the next year came . I saw authors roll up their sleeves to do better . Maybe this year was their year to win . I heard people talking about the Awards with anticipation . It 's awesome to be a part of something that can inspire my friends , but the awards do more than that . They help readers find great books . They bring writers together . They add some excitement to our little corner of publishing . I 'm grateful for Rob . I still don 't know what he was thinking , but whatever it was , it worked . I 've been involved with the Awards ever since . I 'm not on the committee anymore , but I try to help in whatever ways I can . Most software projects have testers . These are the people who get paid to break my code and report problems for me to fix . Without them , my work is a lot harder . But it isn 't an easy transition . There 's one hurdle that I see many people struggle with . You see , testers and programmers have a different view of software . Programming is different . No longer are there right and wrong answers . There are often many right answers - - many different ways to make the software work . Answers that all appear correct to the user , but they each come with a different set of limitations . In fact , there are even wrong answers that will still appear to work correctly for now , but will come back to bite you later . It 's no longer a black - and - white world . It 's not whether something passes or fails . It 's about more than that . What 's interesting is that I see a similar transition when my friends who are readers become writers . As a reader , we get into the story , the characters , the setting , the writing . We can spot when an author makes mistakes like plot holes or confusing story lines or bad grammar . A well - written story feels like it is inevitable . " Of course he 'd make that decision , " we say to ourselves even though the decision surprised us . But as a writer , there isn 't anything inevitable about a story even though many beginning writers think so . I used to think so , too . You feel like the story is driving you . Once you are done , you bristle when someone gives you negative feedback . You struggle with how to tweak your story without ruining it . Well , let me tell you . There are no right answers anymore . There are many ways to tell your story once you get to the heart of it . You an cut out whole characters , change locations , have people make different choices , introduce any conflict you want at any time or take it out again . And you can still have your story . Once I realized this , I wasn 't just telling a story , I was crafting a story . I could experiment . If the changes didn 't work , I 'd put it back the way it was . I started looking at other stories , not just for entertainment , but so I could see how the masters crafted their scenes , flowed their dialog , and built their settings . Here 's an experiment for you . In your current story , go back to a previous scene and change something major . Have a character get hurt so they can 't have that conversation or can 't accomplish their goal right then . Or put a different character into the scene and watch what happens . For me , the story re - flows around the change all the way to the end . I can then decide which path to take . * I went searching for a picture that would show that " there 's more than one path you can take . " I think Mike Fleming captured it with this one . I like it . If you like it too , you can check out his work on Flickr . Like most writers , John Waverly lives a triple - life . By day he is a software designer for Fortune 500 companies . By evening he is a coach / taxi driver / chef / referee / maid / psychologist to four wonderful children and tries to complete something off his honey - do list every once in awhile . At night , he writes modern stories full of action and magic . Let 's go outside the box . . . and inside the box . In fact , let 's talk about the box itself . I 've had a few people ask me how . . . |
Hey , you guys . I 'm still here , or I 'm back . . . or whichever way you look at it . I hope I haven 't lost some of ya . I had a friend email me today to check up on me because I haven 't been blogging . ( Thanks , Cece ! ) Now that 's what makes a blogger 's heart go pitter - patter . . . when someone misses their posting . Tomorrow is the first day of May . Isn 't that amazing ? Any day now I 'll start feeling like summer is practically over because there will only be so much time to fit in running , golf , and tennis in the next couple of months . Summer will fly . How do I know ? Because that 's how it is every year . So with us being on the horizon of May , I 'm gonna try another NaBloPoMo . This time I can 't promise 31 posts in 31 days . I 've learned from the April challenge that sometimes life just throws a few wrenches into the mix , and I 'll either be away from my laptop or my mind will be a hundred miles away on occasion . The last 10 days my mind has been exactly that . . . 100 miles away . Right now my mind feels like it 's on its way back into the general neighborhood . Thus , I 'm blogging . I hope I 'm able to camp here for awhile . As I was saying , though , my intention is to get back to the daily posting to the best of my ability . I like having focus and a goal . The May challenge theme is " VOICES " , which could get interesting if I think outside the box . Let 's wait and see what I can do with this theme . Yes . . . let 's wait . . . and see . . . . . 1 comment : I have attempted to write something in the last couple of days , but nothing was coming . It 's been an unusual week here , and I 've been very distracted from my little blog . I couldn 't think of a thing to say because my heart just wasn 't in it , and I had no idea what to say . On Monday my friend Judy got word her mother - in - law had taken a turn for the worse with her battle against cancer . She had only really been diagnosed in February , but this was one of the most aggressive cases I have personally known of . She went to be with the Lord on Thursday . So I had been spending some time with my friend until she made the trip to be with family on Saturday . Also last Tuesday Rich came down with a nasty stomach flu . Once the initial 24 hours passed he felt better off and on , but not until the middle of last night did he finally feel completely well . The only good thing about that was I got a break from cooking for a week . Somewhere in the middle of all that I lost internet access for a day because someone had been digging over in the next town to steal copper wires , and they interfered with the internet lines . Even if I had not missed blogging last Tuesday , losing internet service for a day would 've messed up NaBloPoMo April for sure . So that 's my week in a very tiny nutshell . Now you can see why my thoughts have been consumed with other things . Hopefully , I 'll be back at it this week when I get back in town after the funeral . 1 comment : Dear Reader , I know you might have been cheering me on to meet my NaBloPoMo challenge this month , and it had been going so well . Yesterday , though , my plan for a daily post got shot out of the water by unexpected circumstances . I sort of got detoured , you might say , and was unable to get to my laptop last night when I would 've normally worked on my post . I 'm sort of going through some stuff here but nothing I 'm going to talk about . It 's awfully personal . Unfortunately , I 've missed meeting my goal in the home stretch . Bummer ! Maybe next time . Thanks for hanging with me , Liz 2 comments : Well , it 's after 10 : 00 p . m . , and I just realized I didn 't prepare a blog post for today . So here we are , and I 'm too tired to be entertaining . That would probably be because I did a walk / run today for 35 minutes . I 've walked a couple times since the weather started warming up , but this is the first time I did 3 laps around the park and added some running . I didn 't do too badly for the first day . A really good sign is that I didn 't ask myself , Now why am I doing this again ? Yep , that 's a really good sign . I think maybe that means I 'm really a runner now . Granted I 'm a slow and sporadic runner , but a runner none the less . I didn 't entertain any thoughts of quitting , so I 'd say I 'm on pretty firm ground here . I can 't begin to tell you how significant this is in my life and what a milestone I have just passed . About a year ago I heard two Starbucks employees conversing behind the counter about running . The one told the other the only way she would ever run was if she was running AWAY from something , and they laughed about it . In my head I laughed to myself and thought , I hear ya , sister ! I wouldn 't run either , unless I was running away from something . . . ya know , like if there was a rabid bat in my house or something . Anyway , I hardly recognize myself today . I run to be healthy . I run to lose weight . I run because sometimes I just want to scream and I need an emotional release . I run because I just want to . Hi . I 'm Liz , and I am a runner . 3 comments : Remember this little post from two days ago about Teddy hunting down a mouse ? Well , it seems we were looking for the wrong species . Let me tell ya , perspective is everything . I sat here two nights ago hoping against all hope that a mouse would not come scurrying out from under that door . Today , I would gladly welcome a furry little guy . . . maybe even make him a pet . . . knowing what I know now . You see , we did not have one of these : We had one of THESE ! In case you didn 't know . . . THAT ' S A BAT , PEOPLE ! Thank goodness I wasn 't home at the time it was discovered . Teddy found the bat in the basement and brought him up to the kitchen for us . Rich went to see what he was playing with , and there it was , lying in the middle of the floor on its back . He grabbed it up with a grocery sack and took it outside to release him safely into the air , and he flew away . Putting all the pieces of this drama together now makes complete sense . When Rich and I came home on Friday , we couldn 't understand why our mini - blinds in the dining room looked like this - with the slats broken . We figured Teddy had seen a bug up high and decided to jump for it . It makes SO much more sense now that the bat must 've been in our living quarters and he was trying to get it . We just didn 't think he would jump that high to grab a bug and break our mini - blinds . It thoroughly creeps me out to know that thing was in my house . On top of that , people are telling us bats are coming out of hibernation this time of year , so it was just looking for a way out . My question is , THIS THING HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY ATTIC ? ! ? ! ? ! ? That 's it ! I 'm moving ! 3 comments : I am disappointed because I missed the big earthquake Friday . Where was that ? Somewhere in Illinois ? Yeah , it was felt even north of us into Michigan . It happened around 5 : 30 AM , but I slept right through it because my alarm was set for 5 : 45 . My friend told me it shook the bed and rattled the doors , and my mom said her whole house was doing a shimmy . And I missed it . At first I wondered how I slept through it , but then I remembered we live next to train tracks . We 're pretty accustomed to having our bed shaken and doors rattled every day at various times . We 've tuned those things out . We 've lived here almost two years now , and I can still remember the first night in our house . It was probably midnight , and I awoke to a terrible noise and shaking . I was immediately wide awake and preparing to die at the oncoming impact that was surely imminent . . . What is that ? ! ? Oh , that 's just a train coming RIGHT THROUGH THE HOUSE . Yeah , it wasn 't really , but it definitely sounded like it was headed directly for us and literally had my blood pumping . The days following , we quickly adapted and started running a fan in our room . It drowns out the noise pretty well . So earthquakes , tornadoes , trains . . . they all sound the same to us . We 'll probably die in our bed one of these days . Should you miss my blog after a few days , send a search party , will you ? No comments : I think at this very moment we have an unwelcomed guest in our home , and I hope we can keep him contained in the loft area . I guess there 's nothing keeping him there because mice are pretty small and can fit into tight places . He could easily slip under that door . About half an hour ago , Bailey was sitting at the loft door just looking at it , as if he wanted to go upstairs . We weren 't real sure why , seeing as neither Rich nor I has been up there recently . Rich headed to bed early , not feeling so well , and I 've been here getting ready to blog . All of a sudden Bailey , Teddy and I hear commotion coming from the other side of the door to the loft , and we start to stare at it intently . The cats immediately went to the door to see what was afoot . Of course , I continued to stare intently at the bottom of the door , hoping profusely that nothing squirmy , squealy and furry would make an entrance , as well as to make sure I didn 't need to be " afoot " . . . that is about A FOOT OFF THE FLOOR UP ON A CHAIR WHERE A MOUSE CANNOT GET ME . I did manage to get some play - by - play video footage of the investigation . ( Sorry about the dark lighting . It is not a well lit area . ) I 'm sure you will find it as spine - chilling and hair - raising as I did . Take a look . . . . Uh . . . okay . . . gotta go . I 'm hearing more noises . Yikes ! No comments : If you have a sister , you probably know how fun it is when she decides to weed out the clothes she can no longer wear . I tried to help her with that years ago when we lived at home , but she didn 't appreciate it then . Getting ready for school in the morning and bored with wearing the same things over and over again , I 'd get into her closet and find something she hadn 't worn in months and put it on . I mean , if she wasn 't going to wear it , then someone should . But for some reason that made her mad . Kathy has apparently been sorting through her closet this week , which reminds me that 's something I need to do , too . She sorted out a lot of things and sent me a big bag full of clothes to try on . Of course , we won 't talk about why she can 't wear them anymore nor draw any attention to the fact that she is skinnier than me works out like a fiend to keep her girlish figure . I am so glad she 's got good taste in fashion because if this stuff fits , I 'm gonna look GOOD this summer . Can 't wait to try it all on . 1 comment : Are you ready to learn that there is yet one more facet to my life that I have not yet exposed you to ? I know . It 's exciting , isn 't it ? I 'm giddy and nervous all at once over what I 'm about to show you . Did you know I am a singer ? Yes , I am . I mostly sing in the bathroom when I 'm curling my hair in the morning or in the car on my way to work . It is rare for me to break out into song in front of other people , though . That makes me feel self - conscious . And when I say rare , I mean I 've only done it once or twice in the last couple of years . Since I am so self - conscious , I 'm not really sure why I ever got it into my head that I would want to sing in front of people at church , but I do . I used to sing solo , but a couple years ago I decided to go duet because it reduces the amount of jitters and hand sweating that takes place when you 're in front of a crowd . I joined forces with my friend Judy , which was a really smart move because she makes me look good . Anyway , they let us do what we love to do every couple of months at church . Getting this video here on this blog post has been a process , let me tell ya . In the video you will see me in the center ( during my blonde phase ) , my Judy on the right ( the lovely guitarist ) , and our friend Jamie to the left , playing violin ( she 's awesome ! ) . Oh and just a side note . . . you can see my parents sitting in the front pew at the very bottom left of the video . They are looking adoringly at me , their firstborn . ' Cuz that 's what they always do . : ) Sweet Jesus 1 comment : Dear Christianbook . com , I have always enjoyed buying books from you because you have the best prices around , but please . . . PLEASE . . . do not send me any more of your catalogs . Do you know what you do to me ? You stir feelings within me that are best left unstirred . You see , I have a stack of books and a list yea long of books still needing my attention , yet I am enticed by your book summaries and recommendations and find myself longing for more . It 's honestly more than a girl can take . I 'm wishful and hopeful that I am going to read them voraciously , so much so that I would join the Spring Reading Thing 2008 . But do you know where I find myself these days ? Still trying to finish the first book on my list . Take a look at my list . . . War of Words in progress God Is The Gospel in progress What Jesus Demands of the World Vienna Prelude : Zion Covenant # 1 in progress Prague Counterpoint : Zion Covenant # 2 Mozart 's Sister Summer of the Midnight Sun : Alaskan Quest # 1 # 1 on the list is almost finished . Just have 2 1 / 2 chapters to go . # 4 on the list ? Don 't even have it in my possession at the moment . Had to take it back to the library because I had it for 3 weeks , renewed it for another 3 weeks , still ran out of time , and had to return it . RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BOOK . Do you see my problem ? I can 't even finish a simple novel in 6 weeks . So please , Christianbook . com , do not enable me . Appreciatively , Liz 2 comments : The only thing I dread about summer is never having the right shoes . Maybe that 's because I 'm picky about the fit and the style . I 'm not sure how all you gals wear those flip flops . I just can 't stand that little thong rubbing between my toes . Do you build up a callous or something ? I really want to be " hip " and " with it " along with all of you , but when I try them on , all I imagine is having blisters by day 2 of trying to break them in . It always takes me forever to find that ONE sandal I will wear to death for a season . Last year I never even had to shop because my sister had bought a pair for $ 10 and then decided they didn 't really fit her well . I gave her $ 10 and took them off her hands . I was pretty pleased with that , and I wore them a lot . The only others I wear every year are my Birkenstocks that hang on year after year . They 're pretty much a staple . Well , this summer , life as my feet know it is going to be different . They are going to be stylin ' because wait until you see what I did today . The superstore where Rich works was having a special Saturday sale . The shoes were " Buy One , Get One for $ 1 " . The last time I took advantage of that deal was about 6 months ago when I got two pairs of running shoes . Nothing like saving $ 70 ! So he told me to get over there today and see about some shoes . I went , not knowing what I really need . I haven 't pulled any spring clothes out yet because it 's just been too cold . But if your husband says to go buy shoes , I really think a wife ought to submit to that , no matter how hard it is to shop . Well , look at what I came home with , and tell me if I did good or not . First , I found these . Oh , so comfortable ! ! Then I found these . I never would 've bought these , but they were only $ 1 ! Then there were these , which I thought would be good with jeans or capris . And finally , I just HAD to have these and would not have bought them in a million years because they just don 't seem practical . But you can 't go wrong when they 're Buy One , Get One for $ 1 . They 're my favorite of all 4 . Now , did Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest Has anyone else prepared for the whole " going digital " move coming early next year ? Since we didn 't want to shell out the big bucks for cable or satellite , my husband used the voucher the government sent us and went and got the digital converter box . Those guys in Washington are so thoughtful , dontcha think ? It was exciting when he installed it because a new era had dawned in our home . We 've gone digital , people ! No more messing around with that old - fashioned antenna in order to find the least state of fuzzy to watch Andy Griffith and I Love Lucy . With the converter box , every station comes in crystal clear . Yeah , it was really great , until . . . A train passed behind our house . A car drove by . It rained . The wind blew in a particular direction . When any of those variables are present , which is quite frequently , it breaks up the TV picture and the sound gets choppy . I 'd rather watch the shows with fuzz , if this is what life will be for us in the digital age . Do you know what it 's like to watch a detective program , only to have the final clues revealed while the sound is cutting out every other word ? Ummm . . . that 's not acceptable . It 's just wrong to invest in 50 minutes of Matlock , only to be left hanging in the last 5 minutes because the signal was lost . It 's WRONG ! It 's a good thing I 'm not a Lostie , or things could get seriously dicey around here . { breathing a sigh of relief } So , now hubby thinks this switch to digital programming is just a ploy . Maybe the government is really in cahoots with the cable and satellite people , so that the only way you will get truly uninterrupted , clear programming is if you purchase one of these services . At least that 's his theory , and he 's sticking to it . Has anyone else installed their converter box ? Having any troubles with it ? Maybe it 's just us . I wouldn 't be surprised . 1 comment : This is another new blog I found that provides a Friday meme . Thought I might try it out and see how I like it . And of course , I 've got my whole NaBloPoMo obligation to fill , so I should put these kind of posts to good use . Right ? The idea is that I 'm supposed to fill in the blank , so the parts in bold are my answers . 1 . I love springtime in April ! Now if we could just get the snow to stay away for good until next winter . . . . 2 . Banana Pecan Stuffed Pancakes and Strawberry Banana Crepes from Bob Evans or a Pineapple & Ham Omelette are foods I love to eat for breakfast . 3 . It seems I 'm always searching for a snack that fits within the limits of my First Place diet . 4 . A bowl of ice cream is a great way to end the day . 5 . I think I want to take a vacation to Disney World really bad . . . like next week , if I could ! 6 . Coldstone Creamery and Chinese food is what I 've been craving lately . 7 . And as for the weekend , tonight I 'm looking forward to blogging a little , tomorrow my plans include shopping for shoes and Sunday , I want to go to church then take a nap as usual ! Can you tell that I 've been feeling a little hungry this week ? I think I better lock myself in the house until the food cravings pass . Aiy - Aiy - Aiy ! 2 comments : Dear Amanda , I 'm so glad you asked about such an important topic to me . You truly are a kindred spirit of the Disney kind . What 's your favorite Disney memory ? I 've been thinking about Disney memories since you asked me a couple days ago , trying to determine what was the shining moment that stands out in all of my Disney vacation history . I don 't believe there 's any one thing that I can say is my favorite memory . You see , the magic of our years of Disney vacations cannot be summed up in just one thing . It is one big package of sights and smells and sounds and feelings that make up the memory that is Disney for me . First , I need to take you back to when this all began . My parents sparked our Disney addiction at an early age . We took our first vacation to Walt Disney World in 1979 when I was 5 years old . Way back then there was just one park - The Magic Kingdom . My parents knew how to pinch a penny , so my dad converted the inside of our van into a makeshift camper . He laid carpet , paneled the walls , and even built a bed frame at the back and put a mattress in there , just so we could camp in it . We actually got to lay on the bed as we traveled . That was high class to me and Kath . Mind you , this was before the days of children being required to ride in a car seat . We camped at a nearby Jellystone Campground . After that we got even fancier , borrowing campers or tents and actually moving into the Disney complex , staying at Fort Wilderness year after year . The Disney property grew as the years went by . I even love to tout the fact that Epcot opened just for my birthday in 1982 . We got to see Danny Kaye and Drew Barrymore filming a Disney special at the park . I know . You envy me right now , don 't you ? Those are fun memories , but like I said , the memories are all just one big bundle of magic I carry with me in my heart . And when I think about Disney , it 's these things that bring on the longing to return someday . . . Upon arriving at Fort Wilderness , having to hurry to the restrooms just to hear the bluegrass music playing EatEmail ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest As a blogger , the best tool I have found for creating blog posts is Windows Live Writer . You can download it right to your computer and use it just like your blogging service . When you 're ready to publish , it will send your post directly to your blog . Need to edit the entry after you 've posted ? No problem . Do it right in Live Writer , and click publish again . I have found that it is much easier to create a post for Blogger . com . The main problem I kept running into was inserting photos , only to have it mess up my line spacing . I was constantly having to manipulate code just to get my posts to look normal . Using Windows Live Writer takes away all of that trouble . Another fun feature is you can add Plug - ins , one of which is the ability to insert a Flickr image from your photo albums . I also love that Live Writer will allow you to search for a previous post in order to link to it . And if you 're a big fan of using the strike - through characters , like this , Live Writer has those too . I can 't complain one bit about this program . It has made blogging a breeze . And that 's what works for me . Want to check out more helpful Works - For - Me - Wednesday tips ? Head over to Rocks In My Dryer . 5 comments : Do you ever struggle with bitterness when it seems like the enemy has got the upper hand ? I do . I 'm struggling right now in some personal things . Then this morning I watched the news and was saddened to once again see the results of the evil in the world around us . A group of friends lured a friend to a home just to beat her up with the intention of posting it on YouTube . The girl was beaten so badly she has serious damage to her eye and currently is deaf in one of her ears . The officer who was interviewed about questioning the suspects said the girls were laughing about the situation and asked if they would be out of jail in time to go to cheerleading practice the next day . What is wrong with our world ? My eyes welled with tears as I thought about the way the world has rejected God . They bow to the idol of self . Where is the hope in the midst of such evil ? As I went about the business of getting myself ready for work , I turned on some music . My CD of Watermark came on , and the first song that played was You Are My Stronghold . As I listened to the words , peace came sweeping in . Have you ever wanted to just live in a song ? There is peace in the truth of those words , based on Psalm 27 . No matter how hard and fast the enemy is coming at you , if you place yourself in the presence of God , you have already triumphed over the enemy . He cannot touch your soul because you 've found refuge and salvation in the Lord . I 've provided the video of Watermark performing this song , but the quality is not excellent . I 'm printing the words below it , so you can better respond to them . Lord you are my light and my salvationWhom shall I fear if you are nearLord you are my peace when there is war all around meAnd even here inside me I will have no fearOh Lord you 're my protection from my enemiesYou set me high upon a rock and You defend my soulAnd when their ways advance against meI am confident that they cannot make me less , for you have made me wholeO Lord , you are my strongholdYou are my strongholdLord you are my strength so let my head bNo comments : I discovered something today . . . and it was not good , People . Not good at all . We park our cars in the detached garage behind our house , so I hardly ever see the front of our house . Today when I arrived home after shopping , I parked my car on the street out in front of our house to unload the groceries because it 's easier to carry them to the front door . I popped the trunk open and turned off the car . I looked up at the house and saw Rich opening the front door to come down and help me take the groceries in . But then , to my horror and utter disbelief , I saw something that I will never be able to live down . Christmas . Lights . On MY bushes . In APRIL . We still have Christmas lights on our bushes in April , People ! { GASP } I shuddered at the thought . I promptly got out of the car and accosted my dear husband . What is the meaning of this ? We have Christmas lights on our bushes ! Why ? ! ? How can I possibly mock people who keep their Christmas trees displayed until Valentine 's Day , when we clearly have Christmas lights on our bushes in April ? ! ? I can no longer mock because now I am one of " them " . So I went in the house and started putting groceries away , thinking about this travesty that has befallen me . Then Rich said , I 'm going to take those lights down right now . I answered him , Oh no you 're not . I have to take a picture . To which he said , Uh - uuuh ! And I replied , Yes , I am . I am soooo blogging about this , mister ! And out the door he went to take down those stupid lights . Well , who needs a picture anyways ? 4 comments : Yeah , I thought if any days would be hard to work in the NaBloPoMo thing , it would be Sundays . Sundays are a full day for me . Choir practice - 8 : 45 a . m . Sunday School - 9 : 30 a . m . Morning Service - 10 : 45 a . m . Home - 12 : 45 p . m . Lunch - 1 : 00 p . m . Hubs gets home from work - 1 : 30 p . m . Off to nap time - whenever I can get there Back to choir practice - 4 : 30 p . m . Evening Service - 6 : 00 p . m . I 've attempted to write a few posts , but they just weren 't coming together . Here it is 10 : 45 ' ish , and it 's time for me to go to bed . I debated whether to just skip today 's post or simply post something really , really lame . I 'm afraid to say that this is pretty much it . Tomorrow I should have a good post up . Amanda has sent a question , and I 'm going to enjoy answering this one . By the way , I am really getting into these Q & A posts . I guess I like it because the readers are asking the questions , so I know when I post it 's about something you actually want to know about me . I 'd love some more questions . Leave them in the comments . ' K ? 1 comment : Dear Kat , Your question has a long answer , which is a good thing because I like a very meaty post . Don 't you ? What kind of musician are you ? I am a musician in a variety of ways , but my main thing is the piano . I started lessons at the age of 4 and continued on until I was 16 . We didn 't even own a piano when I began lessons , and I had to go to a neighbor 's house to practice . Please don 't let that time span fool you , though . Other people who took lessons for that long are much more accomplished than I am . My dad tells of his aspirations for me when I was young , that he would like me to have become a concert pianist . Ummm . . . he really should 've checked with me first on that ambition because that was the farthest thing from my mind . I just played for enjoyment , and I wasn 't really sure anything would come of it . Little did I know what God had planned for me . Right around the time I turned 16 we went from attending a church of 1 , 200 + to a little church of about 25 , including mice . Our family was there for a year to help the church get on its feet and basically start from the ground up , and we ended up staying past a year . Actually , we 're still there and will celebrate 20 years as a church in July . But back to what I was saying . There was a pianist who filled that need when we got to the church , but after a few years she moved out of state . There was no one to play piano . NO . ONE . Guess who they looked for to fill that ministry ? Yep . Me . So , just fresh into college , I took on that ministry with hardly any experience of having people sing while I played . I had to accompany the choir , too , and we started with very basic songs . I got stretched through the years by our choir directors , and however the Lord works those things out , I can now play accompaniment that I never could 've tackled when I first started . I guess you learn as you go . As for other instruments , I played French Horn from 5th grade through the 11th . I haven 't touched it in a couple years , but it is a very cool instrument . I also bought a flute on eBay sevEmail ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest Internet Friends , since I 've recently been talking about music loves , I have to add this little side post . Yet another facet you may not know about me . I love me some Disney music . If you are a kindred spirit of the Disney sort and have not yet discovered you can listen to streaming Disney park music on Live365 , then I need to introduce you to the beauty that it is . If you go to this Live365 station and close your eyes , it 's almost like you 're there . If you sit at a bus station that is landscaped with cedar chips after a freshly fallen rain and inhale bus fumes , it 's even better . ( Unfortunately , you will not understand that last statement unless you 've been to Walt Disney World . Either that or me and my family are just really quirky about the smells . ) Do you know what 's playing right this very moment ? Space Mountain Entrance Area Music ( big sigh ) Can you even stand it ? And I don 't even ride Space Mountain because it 's a coaster , and I don 't do coasters . But I could savor the music ALL . DAY . LONG . Okay , it 's back to work for me . . . work and Disney music , that is . 1 comment : Dear Reader Sarah , Thank you for visiting my blog yesterday and for asking such a great question - What 's your favorite song and why ? Do you remember where you heard it first or who it was written by ? That 's also a tough question because I enjoy a variety of music genres , so to narrow myself down to one favorite song is next to impossible . I have many that I 'd name as favorites . Of course , anyone who knows me very well , knows that I would quickly claim He Ain 't Never Done Me Nothin ' But Good as my all - time favorite . It was written by Dottie Rambo and sung by The Isaacs . The first reason I love it is because I enjoy Bluegrass , and it is a real doozy of a Bluegrass song . Beyond that , I love the words to the song . They speak of the goodness of God in the midst of suffering . That 's something I need to be reminded of all the time . I enjoy other Christian musicians like Margaret Becker , Watermark , LordSong , Kristyn & Keith Getty , Chris Tomlin , Casting Crowns and Caedmon 's Call . What 's currently in my CD player , though , is my newest favorite . Sara Groves . Her words really speak to me . She says things that I think and feel . She 's real . If I had to choose just one favorite from her collection , I just couldn 't do it . I love most of her CD Conversations and much from two of her other CD 's Add To the Beauty and Past the Wishing . I just have to add an extra personal note on this topic . There are three particular singers who will always bring tears to my eyes . John Denver - because I was raised on his music , he has the clearest and purest voice , and sunshine in my eyes always makes me cry James Taylor - because his voice is so smooth it could make you fall in love and put you to sleep , all at the same time Alison Krauss - because , oh my word , that woman sings like an angel I 've enjoyed talking about one of my favorite topics , so I appreciate that you asked the question , Sarah . Sincerely ~ Liz 2 comments : Dear Readers , As I will be trying to fill every day of April with entertaining posts in accordance with my NaBloPoMo challenge , I could definitely use some good material . So maybe you all could help me out . If you 'd like to send me a question , I would be happy to write a letter in reply right here on the ol ' blog . Maybe there 's something you 've just been dying to know about me that I haven 't yet divulged here . Now would be a great time to ask . The easiest way is to just post a question in the comments area , and it will get emailed to me directly . You can even remain anonymous , if you 'd like , so ask away . ~ Liz 4 comments : Dear Friend ( you know who you are ) , Thank you for always respecting my love for the Mouse . Not everyone sympathizes with my longing for the Happiest Place on Earth . It really is a magical place . You just have to believe . Some only mock . I shudder to think of it . But you have always nurtured my desire for all things Disney , and I appreciate that so much . Like today when you gave me these . . . Nothing says I love you like a pair of Mickey socks . Thanks , Liz Ten Things You 'd Fix in Your Home ( if you had the time and money ) Install a dishwasher Expand our bedroom for more space Put up a fence in the backyard for Dixie to run free Remodel the kitchen with updated cabinets and countertops Add a pantry Buy new windows for better insulation in winter Install new carpeting or hardwood flooring throughout Change the color of the siding Get a new refrigerator Finish the basement . I could hardly think of one more thing . Honestly , I 'm pretty content with our home . It 's small , but there 's only two of us and it meets our needs . Everything we have functions , so I can 't complain . 2 comments : |
Each month our adoption case worker would say , " next month should be the month ! " Well , we 've heard that since October , unfortunately . We kept asking our lawyer if he heard anything from the courts and then last Friday , we got the news ! We took the day off and went down to the courthouse . We told Xander ( aka Buddy ) that today would be the day that he would be our boy forever and ever ! I 've had an outfit ready for him for a couple of months now and my husband was able to find something that closely matched . My parents and sister and brother were there as well as three different caseworkers we 've worked with . The judge came over and asked Xander a couple of questions about if he had a dog or cat and what their names were . How old he was , etc . She gave him a nice book on adoption and a couple other people had gifts for him on his special day . She asked him if he knew how to do a drum roll and we all practiced how to do one by patting our fingers on the table . She said , " when I tell you , do a drum roll and we 'll all shout Yeahhhh ! ! ! " She signed three papers , asked for a drum roll and we all cheered ! We went and picked up a cake and came home to rest before going out to eat . I went and changed out of the dreadful dress and pantyhose that were much less comfortable than my maternity yoga pants . Then , I heard my husband 's frantic yell , " Noooooo ! ! ! ! ! " Xander 's kitty sat on the cake box ! At first I was really upset that the cake was ruined . My husband desperately tried to fix the frosting to make it less of a wreck . Then , I realized that I can 't let a cake ruin my wonderful day . It 's just a symbol for our family . We are not perfect and we will wear that badge proudly . I kissed and hugged my husband and handed him some sprinkles . " Sprinkles make everything better , right ? ! " We enjoyed our dinner out with our family and Xander didn 't want the day to end . We reminded him that this is his family forever and ever . He was okay with that . We headed home and my husband Matt 's aunt called me to congratulate us on our special day . She said that it was also Matt 's Dad 's birthday . He had passed when Matt was a teenager . We gave Xander his name as a middle name . So he 's Alexander Allen Cole . His Dad must have been looking down on us the whole time and made this day even more special , if that is even possible ! We are truly blessed to have this wonderful , amazing and imaginative little boy in our lives who we 're lucky enough to call our son ! While this journey has been difficult , I would do it a million times over to have Xander in our lives . He will also be a big brother in a month or less ! He is going to be the best big brother ever ! We love our boy to pieces ! Buddy turned four - years - old on Sunday ! We took him and his two , much admired , cousins to the movies to see Paddington Bear , followed by a family party . He requested corn dogs for dinner , but being that he 's really the only one that likes them , I made them for him for lunch and ordered pizza and wings for dinner . Besides , pizza is the favorite food of his latest obsession - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ! He had a ninja turtle cake , decorations and even got a ninja turtle scooter for his birthday ! He had a great day ! Then , on Monday , we FINALLY signed Buddy 's adoption papers with the lawyer ! All we have to do now is go to court to make it official , which should take 4 - 6 weeks . Then , Buddy will legally be our son and take our name ! It 's been 26 days shy of two years that we 've waited for this day to come . That beautiful , curly , blonde haired , blue - eyed angel with the long eye lashes melted our hearts from day one . It 's been amazing watching his little personality come through and blossom into an outgoing pre - schooler who has one active imagination and is surely destined for great things ! The real kicker is that in 10 weeks or less , I will be the mother of three ! We will go from being foster parents with no kids of our own , to legally being the parents of three kiddos ! It 's unreal that I just entered my 3rd trimester with twin girls ! It 's weird because , even though my belly is growing , I feel the girls kick , I see my belly move , get to see them develop and grow on the sono and hear the amazing sound of their hearts beating , it still doesn 't seem real yet . We tried for these babies for so long , that I think it 's going to take me holding them in my arms to fully grasp that they 're mine . My mom , sister and sister - in - law are incredible enough to put on a baby shower for me in two weeks . I 'm excited for it since I 've never had a shower before . It should be a really fun time celebrating these two little miracle babies with friends and family ! A few months back , we were all set to accept a newborn foster child into our home . I spent hours going through baby clothes , blankets , bottles and accessories to make sure we had all the gear in place for the little one 's arrival . However , the placement fell through for reasons unknown to us . I was devastated to say the least . However , all clouds have a silver lining because … I was " late . " When I told my husband , he didn 't think much of it . We weren 't meant to have children of our own . We were given a 1 % chance of conceiving and had already gone through fertility treatments with four rounds of IUIs that were unsuccessful . We had talked about IVF , but it was just too expensive , especi ally since I didn 't work for the past year . So , the possibility of pregnancy just wasn 't on our radar . The following week , I went and bought a pregnancy test and took it while Buddy was with his physical therapist . There was a very faint pink line ! Could it be ? Could I actually be pregnant ? No . I didn 't want to believe it . We have tried for so long . It must have been a faulty test . I waited another week and tried again . Wouldn 't you know it really was positive ! I made an appointment with the doctor and went in to have a sonogram . The sonographer said , " how do you feel about two ? " Two what ? I still wasn 't convinced there could be a baby in there . I just couldn 't wrap my brain around it . " Two babies ! You 're having twins ! " I immediately started to cry tears of joy . My husband , watching the monitor in disbelief , was crying in pain at the thought of raising three children . Suddenly I started to get all the symptoms . Unbelievable bloating , morning sickness ( aka all day sickness ) and fatigue unlike anything I had ever felt before . My friend said to me that the first trimester is literally like climbing a mountain . You are doing all the work of creating another human being ( or in my case two ) and it 's taxing on your body . Then one day I had spotting . I went to the doctor and I was reassured by two little heart beats on the monitor . More tears of joy ! About two weeks later , while I was cooking dinner I felt something warm down below . It looked like I murdered someone . My husband rushed me to the emergency room . My mom came to comfort me and help with Buddy . I just cried on her shoulder . It was most certainly a miscarriage . Then I saw the ultrasound and there were those two little babies with good heart beats , arms waving and legs kicking away ! It turns out that I have something called placenta previa . Basically the placenta is sitting right on top of my cervix and most likely sitting on a blood vessel where blood is pooling . The placenta has slowly been moving away as Baby A continues to grow . Worst case scenario , I will have a C - section . Not a big deal . I was on two weeks of bed rest before returning to work . So , it was a rough first trimester ! My mom said to me , " I told you pregnancy was stressful ! " The thing is , I never thought I 'd ever get pregnant , but nobody was handing out babies to me either ! So , I 'll take every little hiccup that comes with these two little miracles . I 'm 18 weeks along and am feeling good ! I 'm getting a belly on me and have felt a couple little flutters from them kicking . I 'm technically due April 17 , but they won 't let me go past 38 weeks , so more likely end of March , beginning of April . I 've gotten all kinds of questions from people : " Are they natural ? " Yes , they 're not artificial ! " Do twins run in your family ? " No , I 'm just old and this was my body 's last ditch effort at passing on my genes . " Are you still going to keep Buddy ? " Yes , he 's our son . People are so nosy when you 're pregnant , but it 's okay . I doubt it will stop once I have two little bundles . " Are they identical ? " Probably not , they have separate placentas and sacs , but you don 't know for sure until after they 're born . " Did you want twins ? " Well , I always thought it would be fun to have twins , but I didn 't exactly plan it ! People keep relaying stories to me of how the same thing happened to a friend of theirs . As soon as they 've adopted or were on their way to adopt ( as in our case ) their child , they were able to relax and get pregnant . Maybe my story isn 't unique or exciting , but it 's my story and I 'm looking forward to my happy ending . Buddy is going to be a big brother to twin sisters and I couldn 't be happier ! Our amazing foster care worker came over for her last home visit last week . It was bittersweet because she has been an awesome worker , but it means progress with Buddy 's adoption . We were assigned an adoption caseworker and besides a little hiccup with hubby 's physical , we have all the paperwork in order for her visit next week ! I told her I wanted it to go as quickly and painlessly as possible to make our family complete ! The permanency hearing to change the plan from " return to parent " to " adoption " is at the end of the month which is great ! Something not so great is that the lawyer for bio - mom can appeal the TPR and hold things up for up to 18 months ! I asked the caseworker why he would appeal without a case , and being that he hasn 't seen his client in months . She said that it 's a paycheck . So if he is money hungry enough , he will appeal on her behalf . Fingers crossed and prayers that doesn 't happen ! In other crazy news I ran into bio - mom and her partner ( yes , the same one she beat up ) at the grocery store ! I was talking to the pharmacist about a new prescription when she walked passed me ! I said to the pharmacist , " I 'm just going to keep talking to you because that 's my son 's bio - mom and there is a warrant out for her arrest and I 'm freaking out a little right now ! " He said he totally understood and he talked to me until they left in a loud huff : " I don 't want to walk by HER ! " ( Fine with me ! ) I immediately called my husband , who was luckily right down the street . He walked around the store with me to get my couple of groceries and then we left . I called the caseworker from the store , but it was almost 5pm and I got voicemail . I was a mess all night long ! I didn 't sleep a wink . She lives in the next town over ; of course I was going to run into her eventually . But what if I had Buddy with me ? What would she have done ? Try to take him ? Grab him and hug and kiss him ? What could I do about it ? The next day the caseworker called and her only advice was not to go to that store aPosted on August 27 , 2014 by Lisa C 1 At the time of my last post , I was pretty down in the dumps . I felt like I was just not good enough . I couldn 't land a job . I didn 't get the new foster baby . I didn 't know how things would go with Buddy . I was pretty depressed and feeling lower than low . Well … it 's amazing what a week does ! We had Buddy 's disposition hearing . I didn 't even have to testify . The judge terminated bio - mom 's rights ! The reason why I had a little more confidence in how things would go , was that I knew bio - mom wouldn 't show up to court . She has a warrant out for her arrest for assaulting her partner and there was evidence of her actively using . However , you just never know what the judge is going to do , especially since this is a new judge and this is her first TPR case . Well , she brought up the supposed dad again . We all thought that was done and over with and they did their due diligence . Well , his rights still need to be terminated and that paperwork was never filed . Someone dropped the ball on that one . On a whim , the caseworker decided to give the " dad " a call while we were out on a break . While the caseworker was testifying on the stand , he actually called her back ! This is the first contact he has made in the two years of Buddy being in foster care ! He said that he was definitely not the dad and bio - mom was actually pregnant when they met ! He agreed to sign off on any paperwork ! So , we do have to go back to court again , but at least all loose ends will be tied up and then we can go on with the adoption ! Well , as long as bio - mom 's lawyer doesn 't appeal and hold things up , but at least we know it 's going to happen ! Then I got offered a job ! How awesome is that ? ! My last workplace was so abusive . So , it 's incredible to work with a nice group of people who truly care and have a passion for what they 're doing . It 's not a farce . Nobody has yelled and screamed at me and I don 't anticipate that they will . It was difficult leaving Buddy , but I got him into a daycare / preschool that I absolutely love . I know that he just craves interacting with other children and he will have the opportunity to do that every day and continue to learn and grow . I know it is the right decision for my family . I 'm just really counting my blessings right now . I feel very fortunate to have a loving husband , a beautiful little boy , great family and friends , a good job and more ! Things are surely looking up for us and I 'm really excited to continue on in this journey . We have had a wonderful summer ! We 've gone camping , to the beach , the pool , playground , story time and toddler dance parties at the library and have just enjoyed the beautiful weather as much as we possibly can . Of course , life is not perfect and the craziness always finds us ! My friend and I got together for a delightful dinner sans kids and she asked me if we have gotten any calls for more children . When we were days away from our camping trip we got several calls all at once , but now nothing . Well the next day … I got a call for a 5 - year - old ! I felt bad for the little guy . A relative took the three other siblings into their home , but not this one . I guess he has severe ADHD and a mood disorder and needs a lot of 1 on 1 attention . I thought to myself , our little guy doesn 't have all those issues and still requires a lot of my attention ! There is no way I could handle two needy children . So , hopefully they can find a home that doesn 't have any children yet . A few days later we got a call for a newborn baby ! Was the call I had been waiting for ? Ever since we had the three - month old baby , I have really longed to have another baby in the house . My husband and I discussed it and decided that we would take him . He was one of 10 children ranging in age from 1 week to 21 years old , who live with various relatives or are in foster care or have been TPR 'd . While the baby 's tox screen was clear , he did show signs of mom abusing drugs . He was a preemie and had a few other issues of concern . I waited all day for the caseworker to call me . Then I decided to leave a message for her , but got no call back . Buddy and I spent the afternoon bringing down baby gear and going through baby clothes to prepared for his arrival . The next day I called the caseworker again and left another message . Not until a good 24 + hours after our initial call , did she finally call me . She was very abrasive and harsh and basically made me feel like crap . I won 't get too into it , but I just wanted to get all my bases covered so I felt prepared for what to expect and she went up one side of me and down the other . Then , she told me that she wants me to meet the baby and we would go from there . So , Buddy , Hubby and I went to the family support center and met the tiny little bundle . I changed his diaper and fed him and we talked to the caseworker . She said we should visit him every day until Tuesday ( it was Thursday at this point ) and then we could make our final decision . She apologized for her brash approach and said she is just an advocate for the child and tells it how it is . OK … . I understand that , but all of this was still kind of weird . Usually they call you up , tell you what time they 're dropping the kid off and you go from there . Friday we were out walking the dog and I saw I had a voicemail . It was the caseworker saying that they decided to go in a different direction . What ? Did I lose my job ? That what it felt / sound like . We called her back , but of course she never returned our call . We talked to Buddy 's caseworker and said that the caseworker asked about us and she told her we were great , she had no issues . Well , I broke down in tears . I felt like she didn 't think I was good enough to care for the baby . I just felt like an overall failure . I can 't get a job , I can 't have my own children and I can 't take care of foster babies apparently . I was just a wreck ! Luckily I have an amazing husband who helped me remember how lucky I am to have him and Buddy and we are getting by on his salary even if it is a struggle . I AM lucky and very blessed . I have a great family and great friends and everything will fall back into place eventually . We have Buddy and he is the biggest joy in my life . While he does drive me crazy , I can 't imagine it any other way ! Thursday we go to disposition to decide what is in the best interest of Buddy and I 'm testifying . I 'm a little nervous , but not as nervous as I was . Why you say ? Well … . It always amazes me what people will post on Facebook : that they have a headache , that they went to the mall , that they have a booger hanging out of their nose . It doesn 't matter what it is , people do it all the time , like anyone gives a crap . Even more amazing to me is when people share all their dirty laundry : their husband cheated on them , their girlfriend got out of jail , they 're visiting their child who 's in foster care . Not only do they share this information with their " friends , " but have absolutely no privacy settings set , so the whole world can read it , or if we 're really lucky , see the color and texture of the booger as well . Well you know what ? It means that I can check up on people even if they 're not my friend . For instance , when someone thinks it 's appropriate to post pictures of their girlfriend with her child in the waiting room for her visit at the DSS office with me , the foster mother , in the background . I mean , that 's a momentous occasion that should be shared with the world right ? " Here is my girlfriend who had her child taken away , at her twice monthly , one hour supervised visit at the DSS office ! " I 'm so sick to my stomach about it right now . I even told the caseworker that she was taking the pictures and that they 'd end up on Facebook . I was going to casually mention to the girlfriend that the pictures can 't be shared on Facebook , but I figured I should let the caseworker take care of it . Did she ? Nope ! Bio - mom does know better , but she posted pictures of the visit on her page too . Can I post pictures on Facebook when I want to share with my friends our camping trip , going to the park , or the zoo ? Nope ! Maybe it was done on purpose . Maybe she wants me to see . Maybe she wants to upset me . She succeeded . Do I sound crazy ? Well , after a year and a half fight , I feel it 's my right to be crazy right now . I keep trying to put things into perspective . She misses him . There is nothing inappropriate about the pictures . What is the harm ? Well , it bothers me when people don 't follow the rules and get away with it . But , hopefully , in the end , it will be one of the last times she ever sees him . One more gut wrenching , nerve wrecking , torturous visit before court , then hopefully this whole mess will be behind us . I know I 'm only hurting myself by stalking checking Facebook all of the time . One month … no , twenty - nine days before they decide what 's in the best interest of Buddy . No twenty - eight days , 20 hours and 18 minutes until they decide the fate of our world . " We would have been done in May if we had judge P , " the caseworker said after we walked out of court . Hurry up and wait is the catch phrase for foster care . The judge DID find bio - mom permanently neglectful ! I 'd love to jump up and down and do a little dance , but we 're not out of the woods yet . We still have to go to disposition in August to decide what 's in the best interest of Buddy . The judge said , " it doesn 't necessarily mean that adoption is what is in the best interest of Buddy . " That was like a slap in the face . She continued to say how she knows bio - mom did a bunch of wonderful things while in jail ( what else was she going to do while she was in there ? ) and she should continue to do them while she is out . The caseworker listed the whole slew of things for her to do that she didn 't do previously : psychological evaluation , anger management classes , rehab , parenting classes , etc . The lawyer for DSS said that at the disposition , the judge can make one of three decisions : Buddy can go back to bio - mom , bio - mom gets more time and Buddy stays in foster care , or he can be adopted . Obviously , we want to adopt him . Since we have had Buddy for over a year , we are able to testify and our lawyer and the DSS lawyer will ask me questions about what we 've been doing since he 's been in our care . Bio - mom can also get on the stand again and the caseworker will as well . The only part that I 'm semi - nervous about is bio - mom 's lawyer cross - examining me . I 've never testified in court before , and while I think the lawyer has no idea what he 's doing based on how he handled court the last time , it still makes me nervous . And of course there is the judge 's decision . Then today , the day after finding her permanently neglectful , Buddy had a visit with bio - mom . It was truly reminiscent of a horrible doctor 's appointment Buddy had months ago . I walked into the waiting room and she snatched him away from me and he looked at me in horror as she swung him around , hugging and kissing him . When she put him down and he reached out for me , she wouldn 't let him come to me . Then , a girl who was waiting next to me in the waiting room asked how old he is . I said that he 's three and bio - mom answered at the same time , then sighed and remarked out loud , to no one in particular that the caseworker needed to get here because it was getting really awkward . I was glad I wasn 't the only one who felt that way . I think next time I will wait until just before visit time before coming into the building to avoid these difficult interactions in the future . Once the caseworker came and the three of them played in one of the rooms , I could hear Buddy 's infectious giggle and silly laugh . I was glad that they were able to have fun and interact well with each other . When the hour was up , I scheduled future visits with the caseworker and bio - mom remarked about how hot it was in the room . It was comfortable and air conditioned to me , but it made me wonder if she was hot from playing hard with Buddy or if she is using drugs again already . Time will tell I guess . The lawyers all seem to think that it will go in our favor . I sure hope so . I don 't know how life could exist without our little man . Hurry up and get here August so that we can complete our little family ! I know my heart is bigger than my brain , especially when it comes to kids . When that call comes from children 's services , it doesn 't matter what they say on the other end of the phone , I just want to say yes and bring them home . " You say you have a family of 10 complete with a pack of rabid dogs and a herd of llamas ? Okay , send them over , we 'll make room ! " Luckily I have enough brain to get their number to call them back , before making a decision … Oh and run it by Hubby . The call was for two medically fragile brothers , ages 3 and 1 . The oldest had a seizure disorder and the youngest had fluid behind his ears and they had been neglected . I asked a bunch of questions , but information is always limited ( and often wrong ) . I called back after talking to hubby ( the voice of reason ) . I said I had more questions for her , but if we were to take them we would need until Monday . The homefinder stopped me right there ; she needed them placed that day . The family support center was full and they needed to be placed immediately . I had no time to get another bed , get a mattress for the crib ( Buddy is using it in the toddler bed ) , get car seats , etc . Not to mention , our reservations are already paid for to go camping this weekend for the first time with Buddy . I sat and cried . I know … If it was meant to be it would have happened . Not to mention all the pain and anguish we all go through in foster care and dealing with the very flawed system . Do I really want to go through that again ? I just thought how perfect it would be for Buddy to have another boy his age , plus a baby . It seemed perfect , but was bad timing . Children 's services called again today . They were looking to place a 6 year old girl . That , I knew we couldn 't do . We 're outgrowing our house and don 't have a room for her ( our third bedroom is more nursery size and serves as an office currently ) . It would have been a tight squeeze for three boys in one room , and if one woke up , I 'm sure all three would be up . Plus … camping . The thing I know though , is that it means that we 'll be getting another call soon . More importantly , next week brings a big day for us . The judge said she would have a decision on the TPR ! Plus we 're going camping … with a three - year - old ? What was I thinking ? ? Lol , I 'm sure it will be awesome ! This was my first time ever going through a court trial . It 's a lot like you see on TV I guess , only not as big or exciting . It won 't be on the news , but it 's pretty meaningful to us . The TPR trial started with bio - mom making a fuss because she supposedly hadn 't been able to get ahold of her lawyer . She talked to him before the trial started , so the judge was less than sympathetic . The judge explained the options to her again . She could surrender her rights and get 2 pictures and letters a year , plead guilty and go to disposition , or have a trial and risk no communication at all . She of course , chose a trial . The caseworker gave her testimony first . She 's awesome and very thorough , so that part was great . Then they called the director of the place where Buddy used to go for visits . That part was horrible . The girl who did the initial evaluation for visits with bio - mom , and the girl who conducted the visits , no longer work there , so they subpoenaed this woman , whose testimony was not good and pretty inaccurate . I don 't know why they even had her testify . Bio - mom 's lawyer never went to DSS to review the case file and was fumbly and awkward . It was painful to listen to him whenever he opened his mouth . He kept making mistakes & there would be an objection or the judge would have to keep him on track . I almost felt bad . Bio - mom testified next and dug her own grave . She said several times that she knows she didn 't do any of the things she was required to do and missed many visits . She said that Buddy was taken out from under her unjustly and that caused her to turn to drugs and alcohol ( not accurate , but trying to get sympathy I guess . ) She said she couldn 't remember many of the details from the last year and a half because of her drug use . She just kept going on and on digging her hole deeper and deeper until the judge finally spoke up and said she really said enough and needed to stop talking . Then it was over . Now we wait some more . They also needed to hold a permanency hearing , so they just started it and it will resume in a couple of weeks . I guess that 's when the judge will give her decision . If she finds bio - mom guilty , then we go on to disposition in August to determine what is in the best interest of Buddy . Being adopted by us of course ! If bio - mom is smart , she will surrender her rights at the permanency hearing so she can at least get the pictures and letters . But I know she won 't . She 's stubborn and disillusioned . It 's too bad . Brick House 319DIY Home Renovation & Lifestyle BlogMacKenzie and Madison 's Journey " And though she be but little , she is fierce . " TwiniversityCommunity - Knowledge - HumorjanycereshIf sarcasm and self deprecating humour were an Olympic event I 'd definitely qualify . AreThoseYourKids ? Life as a Foster FamilyLast MotherA family formed through adoptionandthreemakesfiveJust another WordPress . com siteMi Vida Loca : Diary of a Single Foster MomA Chronical of my AdventuresFinicky PhillyYesterday , I was a MomThis blog follows my life journey following my time as a single foster mom . barren bitchThe whiny ramblings of a woman who wants what she can 't haveThe Adventures of Fanny P . . . . because life is just one big adventure . . . fostadoptfoiblesThe realities of adopting older children from foster careMaia + IvorLife in Pictureshealthymommy4lifeBe strong . You never know who you are inspiringOnce A Month 4 LadiesLadies | Sex | Fashion | FoodPaper CutsMy Journey into Motherhood through Foster CareChrissyAdventuresEveryday is an Adventure . Embrace itGame4LearningFun Learning Resouces for KidsFosterWeeOur adventures as foster parents in NYCBrick House 319DIY Home Renovation & Lifestyle BlogMacKenzie and Madison 's Journey " And though she be but little , she is fierce . " TwiniversityCommunity - Knowledge - HumorjanycereshIf sarcasm and self deprecating humour were an Olympic event I 'd definitely qualify . AreThoseYourKids ? Life as a Foster FamilyLast MotherA family formed through adoptionandthreemakesfiveJust another WordPress . com siteMi Vida Loca : Diary of a Single Foster MomA Chronical of my AdventuresFinicky PhillyYesterday , I was a MomThis blog follows my life journey following my time as a single foster mom . barren bitchThe whiny ramblings of a woman who wants what she can 't haveThe Adventures of Fanny P . . . . because life is just one big adventure . . . fostadoptfoiblesThe realities of adopting older children from foster careMaia + IvorLife in Pictureshealthymommy4lifeBe strong . You never know who you are inspiringOnce A Month 4 LadiesLadies | Sex Post to |
On our way home from the park , we were shot in the crosswalk . At first I thought the shots were leftover firecrackers from Pioneer Day , July 24 . I assumed someone was throwing them at us because we were " race mixing . " With the first shot , my arm , neck and legs were bleeding and felt like they were on fire . I couldn 't figure out where the firecrackers were coming from . There were no cars on the street . I couldn 't see anyone near us . Dave said , " They got me . " We all laughed nervously and said " good one . " He fell . His blood was everywhere and the shots kept coming . We all tried to catch him and carry him to the end of the crosswalk . The blood was such a brilliant red color against the black pavement between the white lines of the crosswalk . In hindsight it is incredibly symbolic of the deadly aspects of racism and intolerance in America . Ted fell . Both of them were on the ground . I went into a state of shock . I was like a deer in the headlights . All I could hear was the echo of gunfire . All I could see was Ted 's face . Ted kept telling me to run . I couldn 't hear him but I could see the words he was saying , when I looked at his contorted face . It took a second for me to absorb what was really happening . " I can 't leave you here ! " I said . The shots kept coming . I had the strongest telepathic message from Ted at that moment . " If the situation were reversed you would want me to run . RUN ! " I ran as fast as I could , into the field of 4 - 5 foot tall grass facing the crosswalk . I thought I could hide from the sniper . But something made me come to an abrupt stop in the middle of the field . I didn 't know it at the time but I was running right to the killer . I felt like I ran into an invisible wall and I stopped . I couldn 't move . But I never saw him . Karma ran into the field and grabbed my arm . A brave woman came outside and ushered us into her basement apartment . I kept hoping I was having a nightmare . " This isn 't real " was played on a loop over and over in my head . But it WAS real . We were shot by Joseph Paul Franklin , ( JPF ) , a racist serial killer who killed at least 22 people in 12 different states . He also shot and paralyzed Larry Flint for printing pictures of a black man and white woman having sex in Hustler magazine . He was trying to start a race war all over the country . This part of my childhood was the PERFECT EXAMPLE of victim blaming . My father was the president of a local motorcycle club and I was still alive . The survivors were pretty " white women " ( We were not women . We were 15 years old ) and the murdered were college bound young " black boys who were a credit to their race . " For several days the local newspapers printed articles denying any racial motivation for the murders along with my full name and address . They told my mother the public had a right to know . The other victim 's addresses weren 't given . The reporters made up stories when no one had any leads . I was a responsible 15 year - old , volunteer tutor , head cheerleader and honor roll student back then . I was voted Miss Dream Girl at my school . But none of that was ever brought up to describe me in the misleading articles that painted me as white trash with no value , a race traitor . I upset the court of public opinion by " race mixing " and they made an example of me . They wanted to make sure other white girls knew the consequences of race mixing , especially with black boys . Even at the age of 15 years old I thought it was strange that I could be considered white in their eyes when it was convenient for casting a shadow over my family . Growing up with my single Mexican mother , the white Mormons made sure we were aware that we were not considered white in their eyes and we were not welcome in their social circles . There was more of them , than us and we knew it . I wasn 't allowed to go to the funerals . The victim 's families blamed Karma and me . The victims were dead and black . We were alive and white . We weren 't considered victims . Even when the shooter was charged for his crimes our names weren 't on the paperwork as victims , just witnesses . " They lost the most . You 're still alive " , was the reason given by the lawyer . When the killer was identified , the news never retracted the rumors they started . The rumors stuck to me like a scarlet letter . By October it was still too dangerous for me to live in Utah . There were cars full of people driving slowly by our house with guns pointed at our home . I called the police and asked for protection , but I was told , " Maybe you should have thought of that before you hung out with those niggers . We 're too busy . Call us if anything happens . I felt so guilty . I felt that I brought this hate to our home . It was like a bomb was thrown in my family and I believed it was my fault , ( I am still overcoming the obstacle of survivors guilt at the age of 50 ) . I had to move out of state and into hiding for our safety . Our lives and relationships would NEVER be the same . I felt Ted and Dave with me on the 30 year anniversary of the murders , August 20 , 2010 . I held a private ceremony as I left a crystal , a candle and an unsigned note on the memorial plaque at Liberty Park . I was vulnerable that night . I came out on Facebook and told my friends what happened in 1980 . Some " friends " chose to " unfriend " me . But I considered that a blessing of knowing my true friends . The next day someone saw the offerings on the plaque and called a reporter . But when the reporter got there , the note was gone . She wrote an article in the Salt Lake Tribune the following day and pondered what the note said . A dear friend sent me the link to the article . It took several hours to get the courage to read the comments online . I felt fragile and didn 't know if it would be wise to expose my heart to be broken again . There were so many comments . When I finally looked , I was surprised to find that 95 % of the comments were kind and gracious . I couldn 't believe it . I decided to respond and include the letter . I had to create a user name to respond . I used the name OneLove . I didn 't leave my name or number . But I was required to leave my email . I included my letter and thanked the commenters and reporter for their kind interest . What unfolded after that comment was miraculous . Within 15 minutes of the post , the reporter called . She wrote another article based on that interview . My only stipulation was that she use my maiden name . The victim 's families got in touch with the reporter and asked for my contact information and we spoke for the first time . All was forgiven . Every day the reporter wrote a new article to update the community about what was happening . By the second or third article a woman from Utah Progressives said she would like to create a March In The Park for Ted and Dave , which coincided with the 48 - year anniversary of Martin Luther King 's , " I Have A Dream " speech . She asked if I would speak in Liberty Park on August 28 , 2010 , eight days since I left the offerings on the plaque . I accepted with the exception of using my maiden name rather than my married name . Ted 's family flew to Utah from several states on a moment 's notice . Dave 's mother was there as well . When my father and his brothers rolled up on their Harleys wearing their colors , everyone tensed up , noticeably . My father got off his bike and walked up to Ted 's father with open arms . When they embraced he let out a sound that was primal . It startled me . I turned to see my father crying in Ted 's father 's arms . I will never forget it as long as I live . " It wasn 't me . I wasn 't there . I wasn 't even in town that night . " Dad explained . He brought his brothers there to protect the crowd from any racist antics from JPF 's admirers . When the printed program of the " March In The Park " was passed out , my full legal married name was included . At that point the tv news reporters gave out my name and the paper asked if they could as well . I lost clients and business associates due to my " coming out . " I was worried about my children and their safety more than anything . I knew JPF said his greatest regret was leaving survivors . I was concerned someone would hurt my children to seek his approval . After the dust settled , I decided to go back to college hoping to understand and heal racism in my community . My first semester , I took a race and ethnicity class as well as a design class . I learned a lot about the world and myself . I learned that race is a social construct . It isn 't real . It was built to keep people of color and immigrants of " undesirable " countries from having access to democracy , wealth and education . Irish , Italian , Jewish , Germans people weren 't even considered white originally in America . Being white was a privilege then , just as it is now . The first semester final project for my design class was to create a mask . I made a mask out of the newspaper articles mentioned above . I didn 't know it , but I would have to wear it and explain it to the students in the class on the last day of school . It was challenging to be that vulnerable in front of these people who thought they knew me . Trayvon Martin 's story was reaching a fever pitch at the time . I just happened to be wearing a hoodie that day . When I explained my story to the class , I had to put the mask on . I couldn 't wait to leave . A student followed me in the hall and asked if I would be willing to consider doing an art exhibit . Another student asked if I would lead and speak at the Trayvon Hoodie March . I accepted both invitations . At the end of the semester the students in the Race and Ethnicity class were surprised to know my story and came to the Hoodie March . I found the more that I allowed myself to be vulnerable , the more I healed my PTSD . Migraines , memory lapses and nightmares were less frequent as I became educated and created art . In June of 2013 my life changed again in a dramatic way . I created an art exhibit with art created from the newspaper articles in 1980 , 1981 and 2010 . I read the articles from 1980 and 1981 for the first time when I created the pieces for the exhibit . I was shocked and grateful my parents didn 't allow me to read the articles at the time they were printed . I really don 't think I would be here if I 'd seen them back then . Suicide or drug addiction would have been a very likely outcome . Many people attended the exhibit , including the Tribune 's editor and the former mayor from 1980 . I met a man whose aunt gave Dave mouth - to - mouth resuscitation at the crosswalk . He said his aunt recently died and she was deeply affected by the crime . A friend of a woman who worked at the tennis shop in the park the night of the murders came to the exhibit and told me how the crime affected her . A woman , who survived Auschwitz as a child , attended and told me her story . She said that my art was very important and to keep telling my story so this never happens again . Many times I was humbled to tears , listening to the stories of ripple effects from JPF 's crimes in Salt Lake City . I finally realized that for 30 years I ignored how the murders affected me . But I also ignored how it affected others in my village . I read an article about JPF 's childhood abuse and neglect . One of the statements from his aunt said that she knew of the severe abuse he had endured and regretted not helping him . I thought of the ripple effect of his child abuse . What would his life be like if help had arrived when he was at the mercy of the merciless ? How many lives would be different ? I realized he lived a life of punishment , with all of its Karma , from the cradle to the grave . But it began before he had a choice . The child victim in me saw the child victim in him . I couldn 't hate him anymore . My heart felt full of grace and Light replaced the shadows . My heart was scarred but whole . Grace , kindness and compassion was shown to me at just the right moments along my journey . JPF received two life sentences for murdering Ted and Dave , so did their loved ones . I received a life sentence along with my loved ones . It 's a ripple effect of loss that can 't be adequately defined . The child abuse JPF endured had a ripple effect that proves no one is immune to the effects of a village turning their backs on the suffering of others . We all pay the price one way or another . That 's why it 's so important to remember it takes a village to raise a child . I created an art piece for JPF and placed it in the gallery on the last day of the exhibit . Then I immediately drove to Millcreek Canyon . I meditated that his suffering be eased . Three weeks later JPF was given his execution date for the murder of a Jewish man . He was never given a death sentence for killing black people . He chose solitary confinement for 33 years to avoid attempts on his life by other inmates . I lost time . My husband walked in the room and said " What happened ? Why are you crying ? " I didn 't even know I was crying . I literally couldn 't talk . I couldn 't find the words . I knew this was an answer to my meditation . I included a comment to the writer along with a picture of the piece of art I created . I told him to tell JPF I forgave him and to go in peace . I commented that I always wondered why he didn 't kill me . Later an author , writing a book about JPF , commented on the same thread . He mentioned that JPF admitted he couldn 't get me in his scope because the light was in his eyes . Light ? It was dark with deserted streets and there were no streetlights that would get in his eyes at that time . I couldn 't help but think Light energy protected me . We are all energy . What happens when we die ? Where does our energy go ? Will his energy bind with more hate and make it stronger ? I think of my higher power as Light . I had dreams of Light that helped me get through the worst of what happened to me after the murders and it helped me keep going without giving up . My baby book said " Light " was my first word . I wanted to heal JPF . I wanted to ask him to choose Light when he died . I thought I could give him some of my Light before he died so that he would choose Light and it would tip the scales of healing for everyone who was affected by his murderous rampage . The village failed him as a child and the child took his rage out on the village . I wanted to be different than his village . I wanted to be the embodiment of compassion , kindness and love . It felt like the only solution . My family was understandably fearful of me talking to him and didn 't want me to do it . At one point my sister said , " What if you give him your Light and you have none left for you ? " " It doesn 't work that way . A candle does not lose its flame by lighting another candle " , I said . JPF wanted to talk to me in person . I couldn 't do it . I wouldn 't feel safe doing it . I wanted to be close to my family . The week before and the day before the execution , we spoke for about 2 hours each time , over the phone . I tried to be the embodiment of compassion while I spoke to him . He told me about his life in and out of prison . Listening to him talk , sometimes it felt like I was forever falling . I could smell the burning crosses when he described being inducted into the KKK . I could see and hear a thousand white hoods chanting their hate . There were moments of our conversation that I felt dizzy and nauseous from it and wanted to hang up , especially when he said he had pictures of me hanging in his cell . He told me that he was changed by meditating , and reading about different religions . He even read the Quran and thought it was beautiful . He said he regretted his ignorance tremendously . I hoped he was being honest . But I wasn 't sure . I finally had to make peace with the fact that he was as regretful as he was capable of being . I asked him for one favor . I asked him to choose Light when he died . I knew he believed in reincarnation , as I do . He said he would do anything for me . I told him , " If you choose Light , come to me as my grandson and I will love and protect you the way you should have been from the beginning of this lifetime . I come from a family of sisters , no brothers . I have daughters , no sons . I have granddaughters , no grandsons . I told him " every time I hold my grandchildren I will love them the way you should have been loved . " He knew I had biracial children and said he didn 't care . He kept thanking me and saying that no one was ever so kind to him . He said he loved me and thanked me over and over , many times . He was as happy as a child on Christmas morning . I dodged the press and stayed busy as much as possible the last time we spoke , the day before the execution . I told JPF to come to me in spirit if he chose Light , so that I could finally sleep all the way through the night . That day was challenging . He was given 2 stays of execution . But in the early morning of November 20 , 2013 , I awoke to the news that he was executed . I withdrew from everyone close to me while dealing with school tests , flashbacks and migraines . I saw the interviews he gave on TV as the media had the execution on every channel . I was grateful I didn 't speak to him in person . He looked like a broken neglected animal that hadn 't been groomed in 33 years . It reduced me to tears all day . My greatest comfort came as I held my infant granddaughter close to my heart while she slept for hours and hours . She cried every time I put her down . I cried silently as I held her while she slept . The following night , I told my husband , " I feel so light in my chest . Have I carried this heaviness in my heart since the night of the murders ? I didn 't even realize the weight of it until it was gone . I don 't know if it 's gone because I forgave him or because he 's dead . I wonder if he chose Light ? " At that moment , a tsunami of what can only be described as intense love , joy and gratitude knocked me back into a chair behind me . It was a thousand times more powerful than the way it felt when my newborn children were handed to me at their birth . I didn 't think anything could compare to that feeling . But there are no words to describe that moment adequately . I sat and quietly wept with the deepest feelings I 've ever encountered in my life . I sat with my face in my hands until I could stand again . I felt so humbled and honored to be a part of this journey . My husband stared at me in helpless silence . " I 'm going to bed . I am tired to my bones " , I said when I finally stood up to go to the bedroom . I fell asleep quickly . It felt like I was being watched . I could sense someone standing at the doorway watching me . I could feel him , like a parent looking at a sleeping child . He came towards me , traced my nose and cheek with a fingertip as I finally slept and said , " Don 't think of it as a death . Think of it as a birth . Thank you . Thank you . " |
Halloween Greetings ! I am finally home from school after a very long day of painting . But I am nearing the finish line with this one . I wish I had a couple more weeks so that I could fix a few things . But it is due on Wednesday morning , so this will probably be it . The assignment was to find two things that are opposite . . . one permanent and one ephemeral , and then find a way to cross over from one to another . I decided early on I would do a solar flare and a snow storm . . . . thinking the sun was as permanent as things get and that snow melted so quickly . But that has evolved as you can see : ) My teacher didn 't like the snow storm . And then he didn 't like my ice wall very much . But Saturday as I was trying to paint the ice to look cold and more like ice , it started reminding me of how I felt when I was depressed a couple of years ago . . . like I was in a very dark , cold and lonely place . And then I thought how friends that stood by me helped to pull me out of that . . . a hand up , so to speak . And then of course the most significant hand up is the Savior 's . So it gives the painting another level of meaning . . . which is good ! Especially since I have to write a paper about it . And I paint better if I have something to paint about : ) I can see all kinds of flaws in the painting , but I have little time left to fix them . My teacher liked the idea this morning though , so that is good : ) And I have a couple hours I can work on it tomorrow . Maybe I can make the hands look more in sync . Hands are hard to draw . . . and paint . And the orange and blue paints kind of collide . I should have made them larger too , but I think it is too late for that . So in other news . . . : ) My photography class was a work day , so that is why I was able to paint . I did have a friend suggest an idea for my photos though , so I think I have a little direction there . Tonight for family home evening . . . and Halloween . . . I will probably be doing my thumbnails ( little sketches ) for my illustration class tomorrow . I need to come up with 10 or 15 . Sounds easy ? Not ! But I will just do it . We don 't usually have very many trick or treaters here . Even my grandkids think we live too far : ( And I suppose they are right . . . especially when you are trying to fill up your sack . Well , I hope you have a fun and cheery Halloween night ! I am still pulling forP . S . We just had two trick or treaters ! Things are looking up ! ! ! Good Sabbath ! I just wanted to send a cheery hello ! I am rushing . . . . I don 't usually on Sunday , but I have choir early and I invited family over for dinner : ) Should be a good day ! I hope your day is lovely ! Melody Hi again ! I have another link for you . It is a skit of Red Skelton . He was my favorite comedian when I was a little girl . . . and an older girl . He was around for a long time ! I love this skit because it also makes fun of the old westerns which I also loved . Anyway , I hope you enjoy this bit of comedy on a Saturday night . I made good progress on my painting , but I took it over to the school without photographing it . Just as well . I will take a good photo when it is completed . So enjoy your evening ! I am going to be working on my relief print . . . . homework never ends ! Take care ! Melody Good morning ! It is chilly this morning ! But warm inside our cozy home . And I am excited for today . I am going to paint , paint , paint ! And when I am almost done I will post it . I hope it turns out on canvas the way it looks in my head . I had a sort of a breakthrough about it as I was tossing and turning last night . . . so there is some benefit in not sleeping well : ) And . . . . I have a few funny things to share . First one from Mel . . . who is always coming up with new and interesting ideas : ) We were watching some movie with Adam Sandler or someone . . . . anyway he was pretending to be a plastic surgeon and Jennifer Anniston was pretending to be his wife . . . . Mel turns to me and says , " You are married to a plastic surgeon ! " That made me laugh right out loud ! Because of course he is right . He is technically a tool and die maker , but he makes molds that mold plastic parts . And he is always having to fiddle with the plastic . So . . . . a plastic surgeon : ) I forget what the other funny things were . . . . sorry , but I have a rather tender little tale from yesterday . I called Julie to see how things were going . She sounds cheery and apparently the kids are all doing well . Josephine is slowly relaxing and becoming more her real self . . . . teasing her brothers ! I like that . Anyway , we had a nice conversation about how well everything is going and then I said , " Bye , I love you . " She answered , " Bye , I love you too . Oh , and Josephine says to say she loves you too ! " That made my day ! She really is a sweetheart . . . both Josephine and Julie : ) Well , I best get on with my painting day . I will try to post later today if the painting turns out well . Take care and keep smiling ! The world is an amazing and wondrous place ! And grandchildren make it more so ! As do friends : ) HAVVVGW ! ! Melody Good evening ! Well , I got half of the things done I had planned for today : ) But it was a good day nonetheless . I painted , visited , printed , invited my dad for dinner Sunday , and came home to make dinner for Mel tonight ! I feel a little like a superwoman today , so we are watching Captain America . I hope it is worth watching ! I 'm grateful for television pay per view movies . So much nicer to stay home where it is warm ! Good morning ! It is a little early here . . . . 1 : 50 a . m . and I can 't sleep . Or rather I can 't fall back asleep . My mind just keeps racing with all of the things I need to do today . So . . . I thought if I blogged about it , maybe I could fall back asleep . It 's bound to work . Also I just took some melatonin : ) Not a lot . . . just enough so that I can persuade my body it really is tired . And I am drinking a bit of milk . . . my grandma 's trick . So when it really is morning . . . I need to paint ! I want to get as much of the painting done as I can today and tomorrow so that it has Sunday to set up . But I also have visiting teaching appointments starting at 10 am . We have tried to go earlier but our sisters have been busy with one thing and another . I have talked to them all . I am trying to be a concerned friend . . . but they are busy like me : ) After that I have to go over to the university and work on my printmaking . There is lots to do in that class . Besides the lithography assignment we also have a new linoleum cut project . . . both due next week I think . I need to check my notes on that . I am hoping it is the week after . I will take my camera along . I have some ideas for my next photography assignment , and I don 't want to miss the opportunity of good sunshine ! I also need to go and visit with my dad and Barb . So I will do that after I am done with the printing . Then I will come back home and paint . . . . I hope there will be enough daylight left to get something accomplished ! Oh , and then there is my giant squid : ) I can 't decide how I want to approach this one . I need to make thumbnails by Tuesday . So I may have some time to do that tomorrow . But do you see all of the little balls I am juggling ? It 's no wonder I wake up and think on it all . Still , I am not worrying about things I have no control over . I think school has been good for that . I used to lie awake trying to solve everyone 's problems that I had no control over . So at least I lie awake thinking about how to solve things that are solvable : ) Well , I probably should get back to bed . I think the melatonin has kicked in . I am starting to yawn : ) Thanks for listening : ) Nighty night ! Sweet Dreams ! ! Melody Good evening ! I found this on facebook and thought I would share . It gave me a giggle . I get so behind with the housework around here with schoolwork a constant distraction ! So I am excited . . . . I got special permission to use another printer at the school to make my polyester print plates ! So all of that frustration I was experiencing yesterday is totally gone ! And that feels good . I also brought home my oil painting . . . . no easy task ! It is big . . . and heavy . But it is taking shape . Maybe I will have it mostly done by Monday . And illustration class was down right wonderful today ! I found out that my teacher had published a book with Random House , and he really did know his stuff , and brought all kinds of things for us to see in his correspondence with them ; mockups , portfolio ideas , etc . I learned a ton . I told him I had submitted a book that got rejected , and he was very encouraging about how you just have to keep trying , make sure your project is professional , maybe even get an agent . But I think he would help me if I needed help , and that is very good . It is scary to me , and I need a mentor : ) Also it made me realize looking at his stuff how much further I need to progress before I can feel like my work is good enough . Lessons learned in a hurry ! And a lot less painful than a ton of rejection letters . . . which according to him I will probably get even when it is good enough : ) I felt like I learned something useful and even a little exciting today . Seeing his work made me think , " I can do this . " He is turning out to be a pretty good teacher . Also I am excited about my next illustration in that class . I am illustrating a giant squid ! Along with the letter G . I think it will be fun and interesting . I have already found out that they can grow to be 43 feet long ! ( The squid , not the letter : ) Also the other ladies in my group are doing interesting things too , and I think together we have come up with interesting parameters . One of the gals has a lot better imagination than I do and she is really helpful in coming up with cool stuff . So I am liking this . Can you tell ? All in all it has been a very good day . Now I am back home where things are warm and comfortable and just feel good . And that is the best part of my day so far ! I hope your day has gone well . Take care and remember I 'm still pulling for you ! ! ! We 're all in this together ! TTTT Melody Good morning ! I am rushing to get to school . . . . I slept in ! I just had to post that because it is so rare : ) I feel so rested ! I , I , I . . . . sorry there is so much about me . That 's the trouble with blogging . . . . it is very one sided . Well , hope all is well in cyberspace ! Take care and have a GRRRRRRRReat wan ! ! ! I am off to be a bright light in Babylon : ) Melody Hello , hello ! Remember that ? That is how Bozo the Clown used to begin his records . . . . " Hello , hello , this is Bozo the clown ! " I used to have a lot of those records . . . . Bozo and his Rocket Ship , Bozo and the Circus , Bozo and the Birds . . . I really enjoyed those as a little girl . I can still remember turning the page at the sound of the pogo stick boinging away . The world was simpler then ! It has certainly come a long way . . . Iphones and pads , photoshop and printing . It is all amazing ! And I am scrambling to keep up ! The morning went well . We had our midterm critique in my oil painting class . We each had a turn at critiquing another person 's painting . . . and I think we got graded on it . I was a little nervous . My teacher made a point to tell me I did well , and I think that was to make me feel better : ) My painting got good comments . . . things I can definitely use as I finish up the painting . It is due next Wednesday . I will bring it home tomorrow and work on it this weekend . I will post a picture when there is something to post . Photography class was a work day . I looked up a few photographers I like in the library and checked out a few books . I am still deciding what to do in there . After school I grabbed some Wendy 's and then went back to do printmaking . That is when my day started to get frustrating . First I cut my polyester plate to the right size . I wasn 't sure on that so I went and asked the teacher in her office how large of a sheet the printer would take . Then I worked on getting my image just right on the computer , split the channels ( Yeah , I am learning gradually to do this stuff ) , saved it onto my flash drive and then started printing the first print plate . That 's when I discovered the printer was messed up ! There were four large white dots going across the image . So I asked the teacher and she said , " Yeah , you 'd better not use that . It has been acting up . Try Fed Ex print store . " Insert a little " grrrr " here . . . . not audible of course : ) So after I purchased some more polyester sheets from the bookstore , I headed towards Kinko 's . But it wasn 't there . Sooooo . . . . I headed over to where another Kinko 's was and it had also been replaced with a Fed Ex store . So I took my chances and went in . At Fed Ex they told me that I couldn 't use a Tiff file on the self help printers . . . . ? ? ? ? ? ? Anyway , I complied and took it to the counter . She told me they couldn 't open my files . So after two hours of running around I have not gotten anything done for this class . Frustration : ) SIGH ! So luckily I have a forty - five minute commute : ) It was good to listen to the Mormon channel and hear Sister Beck talk about adversity on my way home . Talk about good timing ! I needed to hear that . It was a good reminder that my adversities today were really not much in the long term . Eventually I will figure out the printmaking . . . or not . I don 't suppose it will be of much consequence either way . And tonight I will read some of the books I got from the library . One is full of Henri Cartier Bresson 's work . It is really amazing . Another has Sophie Calle 's photos with a story . She is a photographer who writes little stories to go along with her pictures . I may imitate her , since I like telling stories , and it might be fun to combine that with photographs . I will think on it . It is fun to be doing all of this . So , I hope your day has been delightful ! And challenging : ) Life would get dull if there weren 't a few little bumps in the road now and then . But my advice ? Keep smiling ! I am getting better at it ! Take care . I 'm still pulling for you ! Remember we 're all in this together ! And HAVVVGE ! ! ! Melody Hi again ! I thought I should report some good news , but there wasn 't any . . . . . badump bump ! No , I did have a good illustration class this morning . It 's funny because I didn 't really like this class at first . But now I kind of look forward to it . And I got an A - on the quiet knife project : ) I guess I am easily bribed with good grades . And as I was getting my work from the pile I overheard someone say , " I guess he doesn 't give A 's . " I resisted saying , " Yes , he does ! " Anyway , it felt good . And our next project is what I have really been looking forward to . . . . illustrating children 's books ! He has one that was published , but he says he doesn 't really have the time it takes to keep doing it . But he is going to teach us all he knows about getting ready for a publisher . I am really excited about learning . I really do want to publish a book before I die . Our project is to illustrate a letter for an alphabet book . I got the letter G . We are split into groups to draw up the parameters . . . . we have to illustrate an animal that goes with our letter . So my group wants to do sea creatures . I guess that will work . I am researching now on google to see what animals start with g that live in the sea . I think I can have fun with this one . Great white shark . . . . or gray seal ? I think I may go for a green sea turtle ! Printmaking was a little frustrating . I am doing a watercolor print and we have to print it . There is only one computer and printer on campus that we can use . . . . and it was busy all class period . I asked the TA if I could print it at Kinko 's and he said it might work . Not too encouraging . So I will stay after school tomorrow and see if I can use the printer then . I will figure out something ! So , the sign downtown was mildly funny . . . . . " Tangent - a gentleman exposed to the sun " . I forget the other side . I can feel it in my head floating around , but I just can 't get it : ) Do you ever have that feeling ? I have it more often than I would like ! Well , I hope your day is going well ! I am still pulling for you ! Take care and keep smiling . I am smiling from this side : ) HAGrrrrreatEvening ! Melody Good morning ! It is weird to be up before the sun . But that is life in Idaho . It won 't be long before it feels like we are close to the north pole . . . . but I am not going to be negative today : ) So I will start by being thankful that I live in a beautiful place in a nice comfy home with a loving husband . Not too shabby ! And I can be grateful for school of course . I am thinking I am going to retake the painting class I am taking now next semester . . . with a different instructor . I have time in my schedule , and this teacher is supposed to be fantastic . And otherwise I might not do any very serious painting next semester . I have this part of me that thinks it is a waste to retake a class , but the truth is I could use the practice . And every teacher is so different in their approach . I went online this morning to see if the class was still open , but the site is down for regular maintenance . So in about fifteen minutes I can see if the class is still open . And I can always drop a class if I need to . So today I have . . . . do you know my schedule ? I talk about it enough : ) Today is illustration with my teacher who went to New York . I hope he is back . But if not I can find plenty to do on campus until my next class which is printmaking . I have decided that one of the problems in printmaking is that the instruction is too quick and I never really understand what we are doing in there until after we have done it . I kind of like the big presses . They are hand driven and fun to work . And I like the process of making a print . I think I just need more practice or something . And like every class I always wonder what is OK . What are the rules ? I guess I am slowly figuring things out . And I can do this ! Soooooo . . . I guess I will sign off . I hope your day is lovely and productive . I am including this link for your enjoyment . . . a doggy on a motorcycle ! Enjoy your day ! Melody P . S . I got the painting class . . . but I had to drop the art history . I have time though . . . I will take it in the summer or fall . And I found out I can take the painting class and still get credit . So all is well : ) Hallooooo ! I am finally getting around to my blog today . It has been an interesting day . I did blog earlier , but it sounded so negative I decided to erase it and take a nap . That helped : ) I think when I am too tired I get a tad negative . No , I get down right snappy . So , now I am feeling much better about the day . I got up early to get to school early , so that I could register before my first class started . I was able to get all of the classes I had planned on , so that means I will be taking illustration , drawing , sculpture and art history . . . from the renaissance until now . I think it will be a good combination of classes . At least I hope so . This semester has been hard with four studio classes . And mid semester it continues to be hard . I mostly feel like I have so much to learn and I wonder if I ever will . But I guess it isn 't a contest . It 's weird how being in school begins to make you feel like you are in a contest . I think it is the grading . If they just forgot the grades and instead concentrated on teaching you what they knew it would be better I think . But I suppose not everyone would do well without a little competition . . . I think this is where I insert a rather large and heavy sigh : ) In my painting class I am painting ice . . . . not actual ice , but a depiction of ice juxtaposed against the other side of the painting which is a solar flare . I had this idea that I could make a wall of ice , divided a little like a pedigree chart : ) No , I am not sure how this ties together . . . something about seeing through a glass darkly and the faith it takes to stay the course and . . . . . ? And it 's hard . The teacher came around as he does and said it was looking kind of flat . He is right of course . But I had only blocked it in . He sat down and painted on it a little . I think I learn things when he does that , but I am still getting used to that . And I will work on it until it looks more three dimensional . But I think he is feeling a little panicked for our class . The painting is due next Wednesday and most people in the class have not progressed even as far as I have . I may have to bring it home this weekend and paint on it . In photography we are beginning a new project . We are supposed to pick a photographic artist and try taking photographs like that artist would . It sounds simple enough . . . hahahahahahaha ! ! ! I guess I can do this . But it really sounds hard to me . We did watch a couple of films today in class to help us come up with an idea or two . I suppose when I am feeling more rested it won " t sound so difficult . Anyway , life as a student is racing on . And I am trying hard to keep up . I feel old , wrinkly , tired , and definitely out classed by younger more energetic students . But it is all good . I just have to keep reminding myself of that . And in the meantime I keep thinking of my sweet new granddaughter , Josephine . She is facing a much more difficult mountain of learning than I have ever faced . And yet she smiles with her beautiful smile . I keep seeing her in my mind 's eye . . . . and praying for her , and Nadia too . And really for all of my beautiful , talented and amazing grandchildren . They will need extra help to be strong in the world today . But that 's a whole new topic : ) So take care , mes amis . I hope today is bringing you lots of wonderful insight and blessings . I 'm still pulling for you ! We 're all in this together ! Have a most wonderful family night ! Melody Good evening ! We are home and it feels good , though I am already missing my daughters and grandchildren . We had a fun weekend ! I thought I would share a few pictures . Nadia has mush on her face for a couple of them . So being home again means . . . back to the old grindstone : ) I am having fun trying to figure out classes for next semester . Yep , it is registration for spring semester in the morning ! What fun ! I think I am going to take sculpture : ) And drawing . . . and illustration . And maybe another art history class . I am still debating on that one ! Good Sabbath ! Life is wonderful and Sundays are the best . We had a wonderful day yesterday at Julie 's getting to know Josephine and Nadia . What sweet girls ! And Julie is so happy to have them home finally . The boys are glad for them too and so far they all get along great . I am amazed . I guess as time goes by things will normalize and they will develop all the normal sibling rivalry but for now it is fun to see them all trying so hard to please each other . The thing I was most impressed with is how sweet these girls are to each other . They really are bonded which is a good thing I am sure . So in light of all of this I am thinking how prayers are always answered . Not immediately , and not always the way we expect , but answered nonetheless . And I am grateful and amazed . Well I hope you have a wonderful Sabbath day ! Take care ! Keep smiling ! I am smiling wide and plan to stay happy all day long ! HAVVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good morning ! Today 's the day . We got here too late last night to meet our new granddaughters , so we are meeting them this morning ! I am excited ! I guess the time change is quite enormous for them . Africa is on the other side of the world you know Julie said they have been going to bed before it is dark , but each day is a little better . Foods are also a real change for them . I guess they think fried rice is a real treat . And our sweets are way too sweet for them . A real culture shock . Well , off we go ! I am smiling wide today ! ! ! I hope you are too ! Enjoy the day ! ! ! ! ! Melody Good morning ! I am smiling and feeling pretty good today . I get to go meet my new granddaughters : ) Josephine and Nadia ! What fun we will have . . . . I went to Walmart yesterday and got a few fun things for them . . . and the boys too . But mostly I just want to hug them and welcome them into our family . And then of course I want to hug Julie and Randy and Jacob and Nicholas and Caleb and Hunter and Matthew ! I am excited to be with them all . And Kim is coming too with her three , so we will have a house full of grandchildren . How blessed I feel to have grandchildren . They are the joy in my life . Sooooo . . . . today I have to pack . And paint I guess . I am not feeling too encouraged in that department . I wonder if I will ever be a good artist . I tried yesterday to redo a watercolor I had done that I was not too happy with , but I am still not happy with it . Perhaps it is because it isn 't an ocean scene : ) I am really missing the ocean ! ! ! I just want to go and dance on the beach , and walk barefoot in the sand and squish it in my toes . Of course I probably will not be near a beach for some time , so if you are . . . dance on it for me ! ! : ) Good morning ! I am feeling good today . . . how about you ? I hope it is a day for all of us that is cheery and productive ! I need to stay positive and happy today . I woke up a little early and I am yawning again . But I have lots of fun things to accomplish today so it should all be good . We are going this weekend to meet our two new granddaughters from Ghana ! So I have a few things to do before we leave . Luckily most of my classes have work that I am pretty caught up on . So that feels good . Today I will do . . . . laundry , printmaking , and start on a painting of the Vernal temple for my niece . . . . and what ever else hops onto my plate : ) This early it is kind of hard to tell what the day will bring . My illustration class is cancelled because my teacher is leaving for New York today to be there for the opening of the show he is in . He was pretty nervous about it all . I suppose anyone would be . That would be like a very major critique ! Hello again ! I am very relieved ! My daughter Julie and her sweet husband Randy are finally home with their two new daughters ! Yay ! I guess their phones had died so they couldn 't call us until they got home . And she said they had no internet the last three days of their trip . So that explains why I have not heard anything until today ! I guess I shouldn 't have worried , but I just can 't seem to turn it off at will . And it didn 't help that troops were sent into the Congo this weekend . So I am having a very joy filled and fun day . I am loving my painting in my oil painting class . . . . and my teacher is too . So that feels good . And my photography critique went well . My teacher really liked this photo of my messy desk : ) Especially the paper towels : ) So it has been a good school day . And I think reading scriptures in the morning is helping my attitude all day long . I always read them at night , but I think both is better : ) Well , not much to say . Just that life feels good today . I am enjoying feeling well and happy ! I may not always have this privilege so I am trying to enjoy the good times : ) I did listen to an interview today of Elder Kikuchi about being grateful for our trials . Here is a link if you want to listen to the interview He is an amazing man and a wonderful speaker ! He makes me want to do better ! I love listening to the Mormon channel while I am driving ! It keeps me thinking more positively . Good morning ! I have no time to write this morning : ) But . . . . I thought I would just send a happy hello out into the world of cyberspace ! I hope your day is amazing and full of fun and lots of joy ! Take care ! ! ! TTYL ! Melody Good evening ! I hope it is for you ! Just thought I would report that I got through my illustration critique ! I think I did OK . The teacher only said it could use more contrast and also that he liked the watercolor washes : ) So not too bad . Printmaking however was a total disaster ! We did our first lithographic print . . . . a group project . . . and I absolutely failed ! ! ! ! Luckily it was a test print . I don 't think we get a grade . But this will not be an easy A class in any sense . I will feel glad if I pass : ) Well , other than that my day has gone pretty well : ) I do feel better each day doing the four steps from Sister Beck and also listening to the Mormon channel as I drive back and forth to school . I am all ready for tomorrow 's classes , so now I just need to get some sleep ! I am a little worried about Julie and Randy . They are supposed to return from Africa today , but so far no one has heard a word I guess . It is a little hard to communicate while traveling though , so I suppose we will hear soon . Good morning ! I have been up for a while now . I think I have finally finished my photos for my photography critique on Wednesday . So that is good . I can print them today between classes and have them ready in time . I have an illustration critique today on my cat phobia . I am a little nervous about this . . . . but I think my skin is getting a little thicker : ) It is funny to me that none of my teachers really want you to draw or paint or photograph anything beautiful . It is all about being different . I guess I think I could learn a lot by imitating : ) Oh well . I keep telling myself I am learning good technique and as long as I don 't cross any of my own convictions I should be OK . I did make a little headway in my painting class yesterday . I think I may actually like my painting : ) But whether I do or not , I think I will gain experience painting it . And in the meantime I have been asked to donate a couple of paintings to an auction for my nephew . His house burned down and they are having an auction to try to help raise money . My niece wants me to donate a couple of paintings . . . . I told her they might not sell , but she seems to think they will . Maybe some good hearted person that is trying to help my nephew will buy them : ) I told them I would paint a picture of the Vernal temple . That will be a challenge ! But one I think I will enjoy . I wish I had slept a little longer this morning . My eyes kind of hurt when I blink . I am sure this is not a good sign : ) Yawn ! I suppose I need to start going to bed earlier . . . but that would be ridiculous ! I just need to stay asleep at night . I woke up today at 4 something and couldn 't go back to sleep . I kept thinking about school : ) Now I am yawning constantly . So I hope your day is full of wonder and delight ! I 'm still pulling for you ! We 're all in this together ! The water is fine : ) Take care and keep smiling ! And HAVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good morning ! I have done the four things to start my morning today . . . recommended by Sister Julie Beck , our church 's general Relief Society president . ( Pray , Read scriptures , Make your bed , Get dressed ) She came to speak in our valley this weekend . She spoke three times that I know of . . . . twice on Saturday and then yesterday in our area . The stake center was packed ! ! ! We went an hour and a half early and still sat in the overflow in the cultural hall . And poor Sis . Beck was fighting a hoarse voice . She had a glass of water and all of our prayers to see her through . She is an amazing woman . And it was worth sitting on a folding chair crowded into the cultural hall to hear her . . . and to see her . She spoke of how we as women are a great force for good in the world . And also how to become more faithful , take care of our families , and seek out and serve those in need . Of course she threw in a few jokes and personal stories which she is so good at doing . I took careful notes : ) She also highly recommended the new book that the church has published for women . . . . " Daughters in My Kingdom " . It is a resource of wonderful insight and the history of Relief Society and the women of the church through history . In case you don 't know , Relief Society is the world wide organization of women in our church . There are over 6 million members ! And the main purpose of this organization is to uphold the motto of " Charity Never Faileth " . I am grateful to be a member of such a noble organization of goodness in the world . So , today is school once again : ) I am looking forward to painting today . . . . and photography . How very blessed I feel to be in school ! Thanks for the encouragement to all who have been so encouraging in this ! I really don 't know if I would be doing this without it . But I am so glad I am . Well , I hope today brings you lots of good things . My wish is always for your best good ! Take care and remember I 'm still pulling for you ! TTTL Melody This picture is very similar to our building Good Sabbath ! It is a good day ! I can tell already ! And I am smiling of course : ) I love Sunday ! I 'm sure I 've mentioned that once or twice before . I love it for several reasons . Probably the most important reason for me is that I don 't do any homework on Sunday . Or any other work that isn 't absolutely necessary . So it really is a day of rest . I also love going to our meetings for church . . . . not just for the friends I see there , but for the good feelings and love I feel from the worship service . It seems that we always have talks that speak to my spirit and strengthen me . And the lessons always seem just the ones that I need most . I know that many people believe that you don 't have to go to church to worship the Lord , but I would disagree . I think that without the church it would be much more difficult and you wouldn 't have the saving ordinances . I am grateful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . I know it was organized for these last days before the coming of the Savior to strengthen and sustain the saints or in other words , those people who are striving to live close to God . And it does . I am always amazed at the good people who come to church . They inspire me to do better . And I have seen how living the gospel makes good men and women better . That in itself is quite a testimony to the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ . Mel and I were visiting with our neighbor yesterday . I 'm not sure which church he belongs to , but he is a good man and a Christian . We were talking about the sad condition of the world , and how so many people are rejecting religion , etc . He said something quite interesting . He said that some people think he is foolish to believe in Christ and think he isn 't very smart in doing so . He said that he answers them with , " How foolish can it be when I live a clean and moral life ? I am happy . And if I am wrong it won 't have hurt me . But what about if it is right ? Then who will be foolish ? " I liked that . It is true that living a righteous life Well , I hope this Sabbath day is a happy one for you . Take care and remember I 'm pulling for you ! We 're all in this together ! Life is good ! HAVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good evening ! I thought I would post this since I said I might : ) It 's good I did , because I can still see some things I should fix . But I am liking the overall effect : ) It kind of makes me laugh . . . especially when I think of the butterfly print I made for my printmaking class . It 's sort of the two sides of my personality I guess . . . . or not . I have had fun with this though . I hope my illustration teacher likes it . And I hope he doesn 't think it looks like him ! It sort of reminds me of junior high . I had this teacher that was really boring . . . but nice . Anyway he had kind of prominent ears , so I drew a caricature of him and somehow it started circulating around the class . Not a good thing ! I guess I had shown my best friend and she had started it around the room . Anyway , I was very relieved when I got it back without the teacher discovering it . Well , I guess I had better keep Mel company while he is watching the BSU vs . Colorado game . I feel bad for Colorado : ) But glad BSU is holding its own . They are doing well this year . . . . not that I pay much attention to that . I watch for a while , but I have too many other things I would rather be doing : ) Or that I must do . . . . like laundry tonight : ) Sigh ! Have a great evening ! Melody Good morning ! I have woken up with inspiration this morning ! I love when that happens . I have been stewing over my next painting for my painting class . It is supposed to be a diptych . . . two square paintings on one canvas . And they are supposed to be permanent versus ethereal . . . and combined a little : ) Yeah , it 's art : ) Anyway I had painted a preliminary sketch of fire and snow . . . . not quite knowing where to go with it . . . . however my teacher and his assistant both loved the sketch . . . which left me with a conundrum . How do I do this painting and like it ? Seeing the snow in the Joseph Smith movie made me really want to try to paint snow . . . but how ? And did fire really make sense as a permanent object ? I have kept the idea that a star or the sun would be better than a campfire or a forest fire , but I wasn 't sure how I would do that . Then I woke up this morning with the idea of a sun flare ! I really like that idea ! ! ! ! So I have been looking for images that might work together and I found these on google images . There are a bunch that NASA has recently taken . They are so incredibly beautiful ! I think they will satisfy my teacher and they will satisfy me in painting something I can love painting . So problem solved : ) And I feel very excited about my next painting ! Now I hope I can do it justice . . . or at least approach it . So . . . . the only other homework I have is . . . : ) That just makes me smile . It seems like I can always find more things to do for homework . Like photography . I have perfectly good still lifes , but I feel like I could always take some more . And painting I could start a rough to model my painting from , and I am supposed to ink in a lithograph print by Tuesday . Oh , and I keep adding stuff to my cat illustration . It just never really feels finished . And I suppose that is good . At least I am exercising my brain . And that is good ! I think Mel and I are going to work on the yard and the garage today . I would sure rather take a ride up to the mountains . But that is a problem for me . I need to stick around the house and do the tasks that are crying for attention . I guess I must be a little yellow in my blueness ( personality color ) . . . . sort of like this painting I am going to be doing : ) The blue part of me wants me to be responsible . . . . the yellow would rather party ! I am glad I am both . Life is more fun with a little yellow mixed in now and then . Well , I hope you are having a lovely day so far . I wish I could walk long distances . I am getting better . I can walk without hobbling again . But my knee tires more quickly and so I guess I am going to have to do strength training or something . I have thought water exercises might be good . I think I will inquire at the university . Maybe I can swim there for no extra cost . Just finding time is a problem . Sigh . Good evening ! Just thought I would add a plug for the movie we saw this afternoon . We went early with my Dad and Barb to the 2 : 15 showing of " Joseph Smith " . I thought the photography was gorgeous ! It opens with a snow scene in a graveyard . . . . Joseph talking to his deceased brother Alvin . I want to see it again just to see the snow falling ! It was so real and beautiful . I think I will be painting snow in my next painting , so it was especially interesting to me . There were other scenes that were also outstanding photographically . You will have to see this to know what I am talking about . The other thing I thought was fascinating was that the actor who played Joseph had the same profile as the more famous paintings of Joseph Smith . Every time he would turn to the side I would think they cast him for his nose : ) Anyway , it was enjoyable . Well , except for the scene where they bury their first child . I sobbed of course . I can 't get through those scenes without feeling the pain of that personally . I guess that will just be with me til I get to be with our sweet Tommy once again . I spent this morning painting and cleaning . . . mostly cleaning . But the painting was fun . I have been adding shadow and details to my cat illustration . I gave the man a neck too : ) The nice thing about watercolor I have discovered thanks to Al Rounds ( just a little name dropping here : ) is that you can kind of push the paint around if you are patient and go slowly . Maybe I will post the image tomorrow so you can see what I mean . Although it would take a good eye to see the difference I suppose . Good morning ! I realized this morning that I didn 't mention that Julie and Randy are in Africa ! At least I assume that they are . I got an email as they were boarding their plane in New York headed for Ghana . I am trying to stay calm and not worry as they travel on the other side of the world to gather in their two little girls . I think they are courageous to do what they are doing . I was thinking this morning how much more courage and faith it takes to live in today 's world than in the world I grew up in . Perhaps I have idealized things , but it seems like the world I grew up in was a bit gentler and less in your face . But then I grew up in a family that sheltered me from the grim realities of the world outside . I know that my experience growing up as a child was idyllic . I must have spent hours outside exploring the world in our backyard and at my grandparents cabin . I feel well acquainted with snails and earthworms , butterflies and tad poles , watersnakes and bugs of every kind . Oh , and I mustn 't forget lizards and salamanders ! There was a variety at the cabin that we called a " red dog " . It had a bright orange belly . I wonder if there is an image on the internet . . . well , of course : ) Brings back wonderful memories ! Well , I am flabbering again . So I suppose I will end this and get on with my day . I hope things are good for you out there in cyberspace ! Take care and keep smiling ! I 'm still pulling for you ! HAVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good evening ! I thought I would share the latest on my cat phobia . Not my phobia of course . I like cats : ) But we had to pick a phobia and this one seemed easier than chopsticks : ) No , I thought I would be drawing a large , fluffy cat and a person hiding from it . But my teacher wants me to be more inventive . So this is it . I hope it is scary enough for him . I used watercolor again after becoming extremely annoyed with the acrylic paint . It is just so hard for me to use . The funniest part to me is , that the person inside of the cat 's mouth resembles my teacher just a little . . . . not intended of course . Well , I am going to just enjoy this evening and try to rest . Then tomorrow I will be back at it . I may not work on this cat anymore . . . just trim the paper and mount it on something . But I need to print some photos so I will probably go over to the school to do that . Good morning ! It is a beautiful Fall day here today ! And I am home : ) This is a work day for my illustration class , so we don 't have to go unless we have major questions . It is nice to sleep in and feel a little unstressed this morning . . . although I still have to paint an illustration . And I have Printmaking after lunch . And it wouldn 't hurt to go to the photo lab and print a couple of pictures . But I am saving that one til tomorrow or Monday . Every day when I check to see who has read my blog I get a geography lesson . It is fun to see all of the different places in the world that people get the internet . It kind of feels like I am writing to the world . I like that . Although I am a little surprised that anyone would find the ramblings of an old lady interesting . So what can I ramble about today ? One thing I have forgotten to mention is that the movie " 17 Miracles " was really well done . I have been a fan of the director since I heard him speak at Women 's Conference about a decade ago . I am now planning to go Friday to see the new Joseph Smith movie . It will probably have a pretty short run here and I don 't want to miss it . Well , nothing else comes to mind . Except for flies ! We have a ton of them here right now , what with the warm weather and the horses across the street . There is one buzzing around my room right now . It always reminds me of Emily Dickinson when I hear a fly buzz . It 's not the most optimistic poem , but I have always loved it . I wonder what she intended by it . To me it is a reminder that life goes on . Hi ! This first photo is what I saw this morning as I was getting into my car . The moon was shining soooo bright ! So I snapped a couple of photos hoping to catch a good image . School was good today . In painting I got to discuss my ideas with the teacher and his assistant . So two different people to bounce ideas around with . ( I know I shouldn 't end with a preposition : ) Anyway , I think I have an idea of where I am going with my next oil painting . I have to do a couple of rough sketches and figure out colors and values , etc . But I feel like it will be something for which I can be excited . ( Ha , ha ! I didn 't end with a preposition that time ) In photography we had a work day . A lot of the students had taken their still life photos and were able to work on the computer . But the few pictures I did take would not load onto the computer there , so I came home early and took a bunch more . I am kind of excited about the results . One in particular is kind of painterly with light reflections in different colors . I was surprised that it turned out that way , although my teacher talked about it in class . I wasn 't really sure how to do it . I am still not really sure , but I am glad I was able to get a couple . I took about 70 pictures of these old jars . I have a whole box full of them , from my grandma and great aunts . I haven 't really known what to do with them , but they are good for still lifes I guess : ) The old windows are Kim 's . She hasn 't taken them back yet , so I figured I could use them for a back drop . Anyway . . . . I hope you enjoy these . I will be using photoshop on them I suppose to fix things . But I kind of like them already . Good morning ! I am excited to be up and going today . No special reason . . . . I just feel good : ) School is getting better I think . I feel like I am learning a lot . Oh , and my knee is doing tons better . I don 't feel like I am always in pain . That is a wonderful thing ! And I think the thing that is greatest is that my family is happy . . . . everyone is doing well . Julie and Randy leave today for Africa to get their little girls . I am so excited for them ! And for our whole family . Well , I had better get going . I hope your day is happy and full of good feelings ! I 'm still pulling for you ! HAVVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good evening ! I made it through today ! I am relieved . My teacher in illustration class seemed to like my design and concept . He did ask why I had done it horizontally . . . . so do I change it ? He thought it might be late for that . . . . but I could I am sure . I have until Tuesday to complete it . Printmaking was a class critique . And I must say I have a very kind class . I couldn 't believe all of the nice things said about my silly butterfly ! A couple of kids even thought it represented life and death : ) Of course what ever they say I can 't answer back . That is one of the rules in there . I really expected more harsh criticism , but I 'm glad I didn 't get any . The teacher had a remark or two about pushing it a little further . . . . but that 's not too bad : ) I appreciate the positive criticism . So after a long day at school I am home facing a painting assignment for tomorrow . He wants us to develop a few of our thumbnails into some ideas . It sounds fun , but I think I may have to take a rest first . I am really tired . I think I am fighting off a cold . Several people in class are pretty sick . I don 't have any major symptoms yet , just a slight headache and a scratchy throat . So I figure I 'd better baby myself a little . You know . . . . hot chocolate and a movie : ) We have 17 Miracles that some friends loaned to us . Ha , ha . I guess that sounds funny huh ? Anyway it is supposed to be a wonderful movie about the Willie handcart company . If you click on the name it will take you to the trailer . I have been going to share the sign downtown for a few days now , but I keep forgetting what is on there . So here goes . . . " Tropical - Rainy " . " Idleness - Leisure time gone to seed . " Wow , I remembered : ) Anyway I hope you get a little chuckle . The other sign downtown made me think maybe I should say less . . . . " Bore - someone who has nothing to say and says it anyway " . Honestly , I try to make this interesting ! I hope I don 't bore you too often . Well , have a lovely evening ! I hope things are happy and well in your neck of the woods ! I 'm still pulling for you ! Take care ! ! ! ! Melody Good morning ! I am off and running ! But I thought I would post this rough I have done for my illustration class this morning . Remember I said " rough " ! It really is . It is mostly to figure design and values and whatever . I like this despite the failings : ) I guess I am beginning to enjoy my own art work . Is that a danger signal ? Good afternoon ! I have had such a great day today ! School was informative and fun . . . both classes ! In painting we talked about everybody 's ideas and it was so interesting . I think we have some really deep thinkers in that class . In photography we learned about using strobe lights with an interesting demo by our teacher . The best part was when he dressed up and posed with the bike he has assembled for his girlfriend . We were all laughing and enjoying the creativity . I snapped a few photos to share . This is probably my favorite class . One of the students decided to try a unique pose . It makes him look like he is riding the bike on the ceiling . . . til you look closer . So today has been good . And tonight we have our empty nesters group for FHE . That should be fun too . Right now I am watching Liz 's boys while she and Adrian take the baby in for a check up . Life is good ! ! I hope your day has gone well . Take care out there in cyberspace ! I 'm still pulling for you ! And HAVVVGFHE ! ! ! ! Melody Good morning ! I am off to school again today with my 14 thumbnails for my next oil painting . We are supposed to come up with a diptych . . . two paintings on one canvas . . . the idea to be something permanent next to something ephemeral . Like . . . . ? He didn 't really give an example . He just said it will make us question what is permanent : ) And it has . But I will probably opt for something more earthly , like the ocean compared to a drop of water . Do I seem obsessed with school ? I kind of get this way by the middle of the semester . It is hard to keep up with all of the classes . The teachers really pile on the work . But it is good . I am definitely getting more skilled , and I think a little braver in my attempts at drawing difficult things . It is much easier now than it was a year ago ! I am often seeing things now that I think , " I could draw ( or paint ) that ! " Of course finding the time to do that is not easy . When I see people 's work now in a gallery or show I am always amazed at how much work has gone into it . I don 't think I used to even realize that before . The other thing I think is kind of weird . . . . my teachers like to say , " You have had a lot of experience now in the field of art . " Talking to the class as a whole . But really I have not . . . only 21 credits ! I will gain 12 more when this semester is over . Theoretically I only need 30 to get another degree . But I wouldn 't have taken all I need to graduate in any emphasis . To graduate in illustration I need three more classes taught in different semesters . So I will probably take all the classes to also get an emphasis in painting too . Although that would mean I have to take a human presence class . . . I am afraid what that might mean at this university : ) Oh well . One step at a time . Well , I had better be going . I hope your day is bright and cheery ! Take care and remember to keep smiling : ) I will do the same ! ! ! HAVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good Sabbath ! It has been a wonderful day here . . . full of family . Liz 's baby was blessed today in church , and then we all came here for dinner and visiting . The house was full of noise and laughter . I love that so much ! But now they have all gone and it is just the two of us again , as it was 41 years ago . It 's funny how life cycles . Today in Sacrament meeting one of the speakers talked about hope . As he was talking I realized that that was the thing I was missing in my life a couple of years ago . I never want to lose hope again ! It is something that is essential to faith . I am so glad it is back in my life and I can see things with a better perspective ! I am so grateful for the friends and family who help me to see that life is full of hope ! But most of all I am grateful for the Savior of the world , Jesus Christ , who is the one who offers us all hope . Hope that we will be forgiven and clean when we stand before Him at the last day . I am grateful to Him for offering me that hope . And the other thing I value is charity . " Charity suffereth long , and is kind ; charity envieth not ; charity vaunteth not itself , is not puffed up , Wherefore , my beloved brethren , pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart , that ye may be filled with this love , which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son , Jesus Christ ; that ye may become the sons of God . . . " It is hard to write more than that . It is so profound . So I will just end this post today by saying that I am trying to develop that kind of love . . . the pure love of Christ . It is challenging . But I will not give up ! It is worth the effort ! Take care out there in cyberspace ! I am still pulling for you ! ! ! We 're all in this together . Keep smiling and I will do the same ! HAVVVGW ! ! ! Melody Good morning ! I am anticipating a whirlwind day today . Soooo . . . I am blogging first to sort of straighten out the thought processes . First I am off to BSU to paint my red and green painting into perfection : ) I hope it doesn 't take too long . Then I will stop on my way back to do some shopping . We have a big event tomorrow ! Liz 's sweet little Alexander is getting a blessing . So afterwards we will come here for a luncheon with all of the family . And I need to get some food to feed everyone : ) Then I will hurry back home to clean before Michelle and Gary and their family arrive . I guess if I don 't get it all done , I can put her six kids to work : ) I am excited to see them all ! Mel will be working through all of this today : ( I wish he could take a little personal time . He has been working sooo hard for a very long time now . Well , I hope this finds you and yours happy ! I will post the red and green painting final production later if I can stand to . Take care ! ! Melody Good evening ! I am posting these a little reluctantly . I just wish I had more time to work and fuss over these . Just kidding ! I will be glad when I can let these babies go . Onward and upward . And hopefully this next project will be something worth keeping : ) The first two are my still lifes . The first is my gray one with amendments recommended by the teacher . The second one is the latest . I think I have some work to do on the red and green one so I am not posting it . It is way too dark in the middle triangle . I may have to run back early Monday morning before class and fix that : ) The last ones are for my print class . The darker ones are the first print and the lighter ones are ghost prints . Anyway . . . I hope things are going well . Take care . Have a great Friday night ! ! ! Melody Good merry morning to you ! It is Friday . . . a day without classes . But I still have to go to school today and paint . Except for having to leave my nice warm comfort zone , I don 't mind too much . I love painting ! I would bring it home , but this teacher doesn 't want us to . So I am going to go and try to finish up my three paintings before they are due on Monday . I will probably also print some more collagraph prints . Those are due on Tuesday , and I am not really too happy with what I have right now . If I come up with something nice I will take a photo and post it later today . They are a little scary I guess . They bring to mind a childhood story . When I was very little . . . maybe 5 or 6 . . . our neighbor in San Lorenzo had a cat who had a litter of kittens . I guess even then they were hard to find homes for . They had one little kitten left . It was a fuzz ball of black fur and yellow eyes . I can still see it in my mind . I wanted that kitten so bad ! I begged my mom for it persistently , day after day . She didn 't think it was a good idea because these neighbors didn 't take care of their cats and they were pretty wild . But I persisted . She finally relented and I went down the street to get my kitten . Well , it was so wild that the neighbor put it in a box so that it wouldn 't scratch me . So I brought my kitten home . . . thinking I would tame it with my charm I guess . I don 't remember much else except how this little ball of fur did not want to be held . I remember how scratched up I got . It was a little like the Tasmanian devil . . . . whirling and scratching and biting and hissing ! Here 's another funny one . Until yesterday I always thought it was the Rolling Stones who sang Light My Fire . Apparently it was sung by The Doors . I was educated by one of the students in my printmaking class . In a rather embarrassing , you are really a dingbat old person way . But that story I will save for a braver day . Well , I guess I will just wish you a happy day . Take care out there in cyberspace ! I am still pulling for you ! And laughing out loud ! I would write LOL , but that is one very overused I am home ! I love those words . And it is so nice to be here . I had a very good day at school though . My teacher liked my final thumbnails for the cat phobia illustration . Now I just have to come up with a couple of roughs for next week . And printmaking went well . . . . sort of . I am still kind of figuring things out . But each project I get a little better . So now I am back home in my comfort zone : ) I really do like it best here . And it was nice to come home to warmth . It has been chilly today . Well , not much to say . I hope your day is happy and full of good things , and loving people . Take care ! I am smiling wide today : ) HAVVVGE ! ! ! Melody Hi ! I thought I would share a little of my day . These photos are of our painting critique today . We lined up all three of our paintings . . . one on top of another on the easel . The top one was our latest , then the green and red in the middle and the gray one on the bottom . I did not feel that mine were all the way finished . Luckily we have until Monday to complete them . My teacher in here is very positive . And he manages to have a good repore with all of the students . . . . me included . I think all in all everyone did very well . Especially since they are still lifes . . . nobody 's favorite from what I could gather . You can see that even though the subject matter was the same , that each of the paintings are very unique . I love that about art ! It is a little like singing . . . everyone has their own voice ! It was a fun class , despite my anticipation that it wouldn 't be . My photography class was OK . We had to watch a film that I didn 't enjoy , but I just closed my eyes and didn 't watch the obscene stuff . . . or at least most of it . Why do they think crude is funny ? Or that naked is the new art ? I get soooo tired of all of the rudeness and crudeness . When things are wrong , drawing pictures and taking photos doesn 't make them right . Well , I guess I am not going to change the world in a day . But I will try to use my art to bring light and truth to people . . . . not darkness and lies . There is so much that is beautiful and worthy of comment . I wonder where the decency has gone . Here I am ranting again : ) Sorry . I guess I use this blog to do a little venting . It is my way of sharing what is in my mind and heart . I hope you have had a most lovely day out there in cyberspace ! I have enjoyed this one for the most part . I will be glad for a little rest though . I am still a little tired . I hope you have a restful evening ! I 'm still pulling for you ! Take care and keep smiling ! ! ! And HAVVVGN ! ! ! ! Melody I am a wife , mother , grandmother , and a continuing college student . I just finished my second degree in illustration . My first one was in English many eons ago ! I love writing still and so . . . a blog . Once upon a time there was a little girl named LeAnn . She loved to play dress - up and enjoyed pretending like she was a bride . She dreamed of the day that . . . I love the school pictures that the kids bring home every year from school . Those backdrops and poses are kind of a right of passage , aren 't they ? I had so . . . My camera on my phone isn 't great sorry about that . We are now in Oklahoma ! That is why I named this blog the moving girl . We are at it again . We are here . . . |
The summer after Jason graduated from High School passed quickly . He elected to go to a university about an hour from home . That was far enough to keep him from coming home nightly unless there was a problem . As part of his graduation present , I gave him my old E - Class and I bought a new SUV . He was excited to have his own car and was ready to test out his new freedom at college . He also opted to get a roommate assigned to him rather than pick someone . His new roomie , Jed , was from just outside Atlanta so it was a 3 hour drive from home for him . They communicated over the summer and figured out who would be bringing what and when they would move it . I left everything up to Jason . He did some shopping for things we didn 't have , researched his new computer and printer , sheets , comforter . . . all that stuff he thinks he really needs but will never use . We loaded up his car and mine and made the hour drive . We went through the new student check in and eventually made it to the dorm . The unloading process was more cumbersome than anything else . Finally , after almost 4 hours , he stuff was in his room . As we started unpacking and setting things up , Jed and his family arrived with all his stuff . We quickly decided there wasn 't enough room for Jason , myself , Jed , his parents and his sister . Jed 's mom and sister decided to go shopping and left the " boys " to set things up . It didn 't take all that long one everyone cleared out . We finished long before the girls got back . Jed was nothing like his parents . His mom and dad were on the short side . Dad stood about 5 ' 9 " , thinning , dark brown hair , deep , raspy voice and stocky . Mom was just over 5 ' , brunette , and on the chunky side . Jed was over 6 ' , lean , tanned and dirty blonde hair . He wore shorts that showed his hairless , well developed legs . I was hoping the room would heat up and he would take his shirt off . Am I a pervert for thinking those kinds of thoughts about my son 's roommate ? Anyway , while making small talk I found out dad was in IT and mom was a loan processor . They didn 't empress me as socialites or stuck up and put their children 's education first . We finished before the girls came . Since there wasn 't any place for us to sit , we sat on our sons ' beds and talked . Jed was right across from me . I kept looking to see if I could see up his shorts , but I couldn 't . I think he noticed I was checking him out and it didn 't bother him . Eventually , I decided to head back home . Jason was settled and I 'm sure he wanted to go out and do some things away from his father since he was a college guy now . We stepped into the hallway , said our goodbyes and I teared up . I slipped him some extra cash and headed home . For the first time in a long time I was all by myself . We talked and texted over the next couple of months . I drove down once to meet him for Sunday lunch . Other than that , I didn 't want to smoother him . Fall break was coming up and I asked if he had plans . It was only two days - Monday and Tuesday after Halloween . He said he was thinking about coming home but his roommate didn 't have any plans and his parents were on a cruise or something , with his sister for her fall break . I told him I would love to see him and Jed was always welcome at our home . He said he would have to check with Jed , but he would let me know . Friday morning , he sent a text saying they were coming . I was ecstatic . Since it was just me , the house was clean so there 's nothing to do there . I decided I would take Monday off and spend some time with them . If they had other plans , I would catch up on some home projects before the cold weather set in . All I could do all day long was watch the clock . I made it until 3 : 30 and I couldn 't take it anymore . I packed a few things to work on from home and left . This is something I never do - leave work early . By the time I got home , the boys were already there . The three of us sat and talked about classes , homework , projects , rush , girls , football , dorm life and everything else you could imagine . Finally about 7 : 00 , I suggested we go out to dinner . Jason decided on a nice restaurant since they didn 't get " good food " at school . I suggested they would need to change into more suitable attire which I hoped they brought . They brought it and went to Jason 's room to change . At first , I didn 't really think anything about it since I 'm sure they saw each other naked or in their underwear at the least . Once they came back to the living room , they had a smirky smile on their faces but due to the fact they looked like models , I thought they were just gloating . Without reservations , it took a while to get seated . Since you don 't rush good food , dinner took forever . At least it seemed like forever since I was starving . It was nice to spend some real quality time with my son and his friend without the interruption of texts , emails , and phone calls . We all enjoyed a hearty meal and the boys ate like they had never been fed in their life . After desert , we called it a night and headed home . Neither one had specific plans for tomorrow so we agreed to sleep in and play it by ear . Sleeping arrangements ! I have a 3 bedroom home with the 3rd bedroom is my office and Jason 's room only has a twin bed . I suggested Jason sleep with me in my room and let Jed have his room . The boys had already scattered clothes everywhere so Jason just picked up a few things and came to my room to change . Jason seemed a little uncomfortable changing in front of me this time . After the special bond we shared for many years , I began to wonder what could have happened . I hung up my suit and pulled out a pair of shorts from the dresser for in the morning . The socks , underwear , and under shirt went into the dirty clothes hamper . I was going to sleep like I have for my entire adult life - naked . I pulled the sheets back and got in bed . Jason was still wearing his shirt , slacks and socks . " You want me to turn the light out now ? " Jason asked . Jason finished unbuttoning his shirt with his back to me . He pulled it from his shoulders and let it slide down his arms to the floor . He was unbuckling his belt and then undid his slacks . They fell to the floor reveling his bubble butt . It looked bigger than before - maybe from working out at the fitness center . My dick stated to get chubbie . Then he turned around . " No , I had it waxed . Except for my balls . I shaved them . I did my back , too . " He said turning back around . " I also did my legs , arms , butt , underarms - everything . I 'm as smooth as a baby 's bottom . " " Jed waxes too . And when I asked him to help me shave my back , he suggested I have it waxed . Then when I saw how much it cost at a salon to have it done , he said he would do it and help me with the other areas I couldn 't get to if I would help him do his . So we started waxing each other . You know , most of the guys that work out at the fitness center wax , too . There are only a couple of guys that are hairy - not that it 's a bad thing . Like , you would look weird without a chest full of hair , but my hair wasn 't like yours . It was uncontrollable . If mine was like yours , I could have dealt with it . Are you mad at me for getting rid of it ? I know you liked my furry ass . " " I 'm not mad . After all , it 's your body . And college is all about finding out what makes you happy - trying new things , experimenting , living on the edge . So , if you are happy , I 'm happy . I just hope before you do something permanent , you would discuss it with me first . To me , this is just like cutting your hair short or changing the color . I can all be fixed with time - if you don 't like it . I actually think it makes your muscles stand out even more . It really looks like you 've been hitting the gym a lot . " " I have been hitting the gym . I really want to get an awesome bod before next summer so when I go to the beach , everyone will stare at me . I like getting attention like that . " " Looks like somebody likes what he sees . " Jason said as he grabbed hold of my dick that was about half hard . Before I could even mutter a single sound , Jason deep throated my semi hard cock down his throat and began swallowing . My cock is about 6 inches soft but only grows to 8 inches hard . What it does do it grow in circumference - big enough so your fingers don 't meet . His pulsating throat muscles were squeezing blood to my head causing my chubbie to grow to its full potential . He didn 't let up . He sucked with such force - more than he ever had before . He started bobbing up and down on it allowing his excess drool to flow down my balls . With my dick slick from his spit , he started stroking it and kept just the last few inches in his mouth . Jason pulled his mouth away from my cock but kept stroking . " Like , I figured you haven 't had a ' real ' blow job since I went to school , so I thought you wouldn 't last very long . I 've been wanting to taste your cum for months . I 'll let you fuck me , you know , as long as you cum in my mouth . You wanna fuck me ? " " Damn right I want to fuck you . I 'm going to give that ass a pounding like you 've never had . And I will gladly shoot my load in your mouth as long as you beg for it . I know you 've been wanting to take it as much as I 've been wanting to give it . No turn that ass my way so I can fuck you . " I was on my knees moving up to his ass almost ready to put my cock in his hairless asshole when I had to look at it . It looked different , but I wasn 't sure how . Maybe it was the lack fur around that puckered hole that made it look different . Nevertheless , I placed the head of my 8 inch cock against it and , without much effort , eased all of it into his ass . I heard Jason let out a deep , rough moan . " Oh yes daddy . I need you to fuck me - fuck me hard . But I want you to cum in my mouth . Please daddy , cum in my mouth . It 's been months since I tasted your cum . " Not only did his ass look different , it felt different . I don 't think my dick had shrunk in the 3 months since he went to college , but usually , it felt like I would tear him up when I was balls deep in there . Especially on the first thrust . Now , it felt looser and not near as tight . It didn 't stop me though . I was still going to fuck my boy . Three months without anything other than my fist . I was going to fuck him with every last drop of raw father / son sex I had in my body . I pulled all the way back out so just my mushroom head was left in his asshole and slammed the rest of it back in there . When I did this , my balls slapped his balls causing a painful pleasure that I enjoy . I also gave his ass a smack hoping he would clamp down on my dick deeply planted inside him . That didn 't happen . His ass did feel firmer than before though . Then I started to pile drive him - - pulling as far out as I could and rapidly ram it home . My hips were slamming into his ass making that spanking noise and my balls were bouncing everywhere . While I missed the feeling of my pubes mixing with his ass hair , nothing could beat the feeling of my cock planted in my boys ass . With that I started blasting away . I aimed the first shot at his mouth but hit his cheek instead . Not wanting to waste a drop , Jason put my dick head in his mouth and began swirling his tongue around it . My body was about to explode into millions of pieces as I haven 't experienced this feeling in months . I couldn 't talk to tell him to slow down and I couldn 't move to escape his tongue . I was trapped in heaven pumping blast after blast into his mouth . After 10 - 12 good shots of my cum filled his mouth , he eased off of my cock to swallow . I welcomed the relief but still stroked my cock staying away from its head . The first shot of cum was still on his cheek . I took my index finger and moved it to his mouth . His tongue lapped every drop from my finger before he closed his mouth and sucked on it while looking me in the eye . Jason arched his neck and I guided my cock down his throat . I love the sound it makes as it pushes all the air from the passage way - kind of a slurp / swoosh sound . Jason had already spit a wad into his hand to lube up his cock which he was jerking . Jason makes a slight wiggle of his head when he needs me to pull out so he can breathe . At first , I forgot all about this . Then I thought he was going to pass out from not breathing so I pulled out a little . He moaned for me not to do that , so I pushed it back in . The feeling of his throat muscles encircling my cock and pulling the blood to the head of my dick was stirring that feeling of lust again . I began slight thrusts to see how deep I could sink my cock down his throat . Then I felt the wiggle . I gave him one more little thrust and slowly pulled all the way out . Jason was panting trying to catch his breath . " Take a deep breathe boy . " He did and as soon as he stopped inhaling , I slid my cock back down this throat and then giving him those small thrusts . From the sound of it , his cock was drying up . It wasn 't making that familiar sound of a well lubed cock being jerked off . So , I worked up a mouthful of spit and leaned over using one hand to brace me . I got really close to his cock , pulled his hand away from his cock and spit my mouthful of jerkoff juice onto the head of his dick . He immediately smeared it around and started back jerking . I eased back up so I was squatting above his head . I swear you could see my cock down his throat . I moved my hand to his chin and then , while pressing down on his neck , could feel my hand on my dick through his neck . " You better get a bigger breath than that if you want me to cum again . I 'm not going to keep pulling my cock out just so you can breathe . You need to make me cum again . Understand ? Now take a big , deep breath . " I 'd been forceful with him before and I knew he liked it . He did as he was told and I rammed my cock back down his throat . This time I decided to fuck his throat like I fucked his ass . I pulled out leaving an inch or so in his mouth and then slammed every last millimeter I could down his throat . He moaned with delight . I was in heaven watching him jerk off and able to see my cock fill out this throat . At this pace , I knew a second load was about to escape by balls . I put just the head back in his mouth . Rather than his tongue rubbing the underside of my cock , he was tickling the head as I unloaded my cum . He was still jerking fast and furious . Then his arm motions became more robotic and slower . He was getting ready to shoot his load . I gave him a small love tap across his left cheek and nose . I didn 't mean to hit him in the nose , but I did . Almost instantly , he started bleeding . " See what you made me do . Shoot that load before I really have to hurt you . Shoot it NOW , boy . You better do it NOW or I 'm really gonna hurt you . " Jason was still nursing the cum from my cock while the trickle of blood ran down his upper lip to his cheek and then down to his neck . His arm slowed down to almost nothing . One stroke up and then back down . Wait a few seconds then up and back down . His grip though was causing the end of his dick to turn purplish red . Before he could take another stroke , his dick turned into a cum fountain . His grip was just as tight as when he was stroking , but the cum was shooting from him like fireworks . The first shot went about 3 feet high and landed on his right shoulder . The next few blasts weren 't quite that high , but landed in the center of his smooth chest . Each blast after that wasn 't as high and the previous one and landed a few inches further down his body . The last two blasts just oozed over the purplish red head of his cock and down his fingers before resting where his pubes had been . Now his hairless torso was literally covered with his own cum . With a little hesitation , he said that he and Jed were becoming a couple . It all started when Jed broke his calculator and needed to borrow Jason 's for some calculus homework . It wasn 't on the desk or in a desk drawer , so he looked through some of Jason 's plastic tubs under his bed . That 's when Jed found Jason 's collection of dildos . When Jason returned back to the dorm , Jed asked Jason if his girlfriend like to play around with them and Jason said he didn 't have a girlfriend - they were for him . This is when Jason admitted to Jed that he was gay . Jed said he was cool with that and he was gay , too . After that , things just started to progress . " I find it hard to believe that anyone likes to have their butthole played with more than you do , son . You put your fist up his ass ? Didn 't that rip his asshole apart ? " " I did get my fist in him , but he didn 't bleed . He 's been taking gradually larger dildos over time to stretch him so he could take a fist without ripping him apart . And guess what . " " I 've been doing the same thing . I worked my way up to the largest dildo I have , then added a finger , then two , then went to two smaller ones at the same time and over the past three months , I can almost get Jed 's fist in me . When you first started fucking me , I thought you could tell that I was looser than I was when I went to school . " " I said it felt different , but I thought it was because you shave your ass . Meaning it looked different so I thought it could feel different . Aren 't they teaching you anything in college other than how to take a fist up your ass ? " And with that I gave his a goodnight kiss like I did when he was 5 and tucked him in my bed . I joined him and had the best night 's sleep in months . I really missed having my son sleep with me . The next morning I woke up before everyone else - at least I thought I did . I did my morning routine , bathroom , contacts , shorts since we had a visitor , and headed for the coffee . When I turned the corner of the kitchen , I got a shock of my life . There , looking in the fridge was Jed naked as the day we was born . I think I startled him as he was bending over to see what was on the back of the shelves . " That 's cool . I was just hungry and looking to see what you had . Oh , Jason said clothes were optional and since I sleep nude . . . I hope it 's OK with you . Isn 't it ? " " It was just a little shocking to see my son 's boyfriend naked in my kitchen first thing this morning . But if you 're OK with it , so am I . Would you like some pancakes for breakfast ? Maybe by the time they are ready , Jason will be up . " Jed parked his naked ass on the barstool and we chatted while I made breakfast . Jed shaved his body completely and what a body he had . He stood about 6 ' with long , shaggy , wavy brown hair that hung in his eyes most of the time . Besides that and his eyebrows , he was completely hairless . I couldn 't see any stubble anywhere and believe me I looked every chance I got . He was more muscled than Jason with a much broader chest and washboard abs to die for . His thighs were bulging as his calves , forearms and butt . No tan lines but I did see the little crescent moons of white skin under his butt cheeks where his butt meets his legs when he was bending over in the fridge so I assumed it was a tanning bed tan , not nude sunbathing . Also , it was too cold to get a tan like his at this time of the year . We made small talk while I cooked and told him that Jason told me all about him last night . Jed thought I was going to be upset about Jason being gay but I assured him I wasn 't - all I wanted was for Jason to be happy . Jed confessed that Jason confided in him about our relationship and he was " cool " with that . Jed said that his father , that I met only once , was a very driving , stubborn man that would not accept him for what he is so he plans to stay " in the closet " with his family . I told him I would not let the cat out of the bag . Breakfast was done and I yelled for Jason to join us . He staggered down the hall still sleepy eyed with his morning wood pointing the way . He flopped down on a barstool next to Jed and put his chin in his hands with his elbows on the bar . I turned around to get plates and the syrup from the other side of the kitchen but when I came back , Jed was gone . I dished up the pancakes and heard a familiar sound of a blowjob . I moved around the corner and peeked towards the direction of the bar . Jed was on his knees blowing Jason while he sat on the barstool . Damn , this boy is bold ! I stood and watched as Jed bobbed up and down on Jason 's cock . He told me last night this was the only way to make his morning boner go down and I guess he wasn 't lying . As I stood and watched , my dick began to spring to life in my shorts . I didn 't put anything on under them and the flimsy cotton material wasn 't going to hide my hard on . I thought about leaving them alone for a few minutes but I couldn 't move . I was fascinated in the fact my son 's boyfriend was giving my son a blow job in front of me . Jason didn 't move . He just sat there while Jed did all the work . Finally , Jason started breathing harder and faster and I recognized it as a sign he was about to blow . Jed backed off deep throating him and began stroking his cock while keeping the head in his mouth . And then Jed went to town devouring his cock . His hand was still jacking him off but he was slurping and lapping up the cum like it was his first meal in weeks . His head was twisting and bobbing . His tongue was moving faster than I thought possible . He was on a feeding frenzy . Jason was right that Jed loved some morning cum . This kid was devouring every last drop . Before I could respond , Jed tugged my shorts to my ankles and impaled his hot mouth on my cock . I was surprised he didn 't gag taking my thick , 8 ½ incher down his throat , but he didn 't . He took it like a champ . I saw him move his hand towards my cock as he slowly removed my cock from his throat . I thought I was about to get a hand job and a little bit of sucking . Instead , he grabbed hold of my balls which hang way down there and began pulling on them . I loved having my balls pulled and squeezed especially during a blow job . He was working my cock - all of it - like no one has ever done before . His tongue action was perfect . The way he swallowed when my cock was down his throat sent waves of pleasure through my entire body . I closed my eyes and leaned my head back . I thought if I didn 't look , it would last longer . Wrong . About 2 to 3 minutes into it , my balls needed to release another batch of fresh sperm . " I 'm about to cum . " is all I could manage to get out of my mouth before every muscle in my body constricted . " Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh . Oooohhhhhhh . Aaaahhhhhhhhh . " Jed was giving me the same twisting and lapping as Jason received . I know this kid is 18 years old but he gives a blow job like he 's had 30 years of practicing . Damn he 's good . But I couldn 't take any more on my sensitive head . Jed gave it one last lick and then planted it in the back of his throat just letting it sit there . I love the feeling of those last few pulses in a warm , moist place when you dick moves and nothing comes out - right before it starts to soften up . I could tell the dick spasms stopped but Jed wasn 't letting go . He had a gentle suction on it and would not release it . He had a point . No need to cover things up when your son 's boyfriend just sucked you off . I dropped the shorts to the ground , grabbed my plate and headed to the table for breakfast . We had to plan what we were going to do today . I had a few thoughts , but after what just happened , we may change plans . We did some site seeing and had an early dinner . Neither Jed nor Jason wanted to go out and do anything that evening so we all relaxed at home and watched a movie . I wasn 't extremely tired but I called it a night about 10 : 00 . The boys were going to stay up and watch more TV . It seemed I had better channels than they had back at school . Shortly after I went to be , I heard someone come into my room and sit next to me on my side of the bed . I wasn 't asleep yet , but beginning to doze off . " Yea , he 's OK . In fact , he 's been talking about wanting to do things to you all day . He really wants to sleep with you if you get my drift . " I turned my bedside lamp on low - just so we had a little light to see where to put things and where to find things . As soon as I rolled back into my spot on the bed , there appeared Jason and then Jed through my door . Both were naked and Jed was already hard . He was sporting about a 7 incher that curves slightly upward . He was definitely excited about what was about to happen . Jed went to one side of the bed and Jason went to the other . Both crawled in at the same time . Ed moved straight to my cock and began sucking it while fondling my balls . Almost instantly , I was rock hard . He would alternate between sucking my cock and licking my balls . Jason was nursing on my right nipple . Licking , sucking and lightly biting it . I cannot remember the last time I was with two guys at the same time . Since my nipples are connected to my cock , one or the other needed to slow down or I was about to reach the point of no return . As I mentioned this , Jed moved down the bed and got between my legs . I was lightly stroking my cock while attempting to put both of my nuts in his greedy mouth . With some assistance from his free hand , he popped both of them in his mouth at the same time . I felt a little bit of pain but it quickly turned to pleasure as he sucked and pulled on them . Every once in a while , he would release my balls and give my dick a lick or suck - just enough to keep it hard but not enough to make me want or need to cum . Then he would return to my balls . Jason was alternating between my nipples and my neck and ears . He would twist one nipple with his hand while sucking on the other . Then move to nibbling my neck and ears while tweaking both nipples . I loved every second of these two college hunks playing with my body . When Jason moved to kiss me on the mouth , Jed pushed my legs up to my chest and began eating my hairy asshole . For someone that shaves his entire body , my hairy ass didn 't seem to bother him . He was sucking on it , tongue fucking me and going to town licking it . Sometimes I enjoy playing with my asshole as I jerk off , but this felt like nothing I have done to myself ever . I tensed up at first but as I began to relax , the pleasure began to intensify . And as I relaxed , Jed was able to insert his tongue further up my ass creating even more pleasure . After a few minutes I thought to myself he was doing this to lube up my ass and fuck me . I saw the size of his cock and the thickness and knew it would hurt . I tensed up and clamped my asshole on his tongue which was inserted in me as far as he could get it . My tensing up must have pulled his tongue and he flinched - backing away from me . " No , it felt great . I just thought you might want to fuck me after you got me loosened and lubed . And I do not really want to get fucked . Nothing against you , but it 's just not my thing . " " I understand and I 'm just the opposite . I don 't like to fuck - I love to get fucked . I just thought you would like what I was doing . " Jed replied . While Jed was devoted to my asshole and Jason and I were making out , I snuck a finger or two around Jason 's bubble butt and played with his asshole . I could tell he had done the prep work for a fun evening . Just as I was about to wonder what was coming next , Jason blurted out , " I cannot take this anymore . I want your cock inside me . " I was unsure if he was talking to me or Jed . I got my answer when he pushed my legs down , swung his leg over me and sat on my cock . Jed stayed between my legs licking and sucking my balls . At least he stayed there until Jason started rocking back and forth causing me to bump into Jed several times . He took the hint and move to the front of Jason and began sucking his cock . I decided to play with Jed 's ass like I was doing with Jason 's . He had also done his prep work and two fingers slipped right in him . After a few minutes of me playing with Jed 's ass and Jason riding my cock , Jed said he wanted to switch positions . Jason raised up off my cock and slip to my right . Jed move from my left and sat on my cock . Sat probably isn 't the right work . There was no gentle movement , easing down on it or slowly engulfing it . He impaled himself on it with one motion . Then he let out a sigh of relief and groan at the same time . It took in about 10 seconds to get used to it and then he rode it like a wild stallion . Jason tried to suck his dick but his movements were too varied for him to figure out any pattern of motion . Jed 's ass began making those familiar slurping sounds of a well - used man pussy . That was the only noise in the room besides my heavy breathing . Then Jed reached under his leg and I felt his hand brush against my balls as they sprang upward . I thought he was going to grab onto them but instead , he inserted a finger in his ass - along with my dick . Then a second finger went in . This one scrapped my cock as he inserted it and he broke the silence with , " Sorry " . I wasn 't positive , but I think a third finger went in as well . " Jason . Come back here and stick your dick in me too . I want all the men in your family to have their cocks up my ass at the same time . " Jason made his move behind Jed who began leaning forward towards my chest . I wasn 't sure if Jed could handle both of our cocks , but then I remember Jason saying he could take a fist up his ass so I didn 't try to stop him . Jason tried to find a good stop to kneel behind Jed . This led to several variations of me moving my legs this way and that , Jed sitting more upright and laying all the way down on me . Then it happened . There was enough room for Jason to ease his dick into Jed 's already filled butthole . I raised my head up to watch Jason and Jed . Jason was having difficulties getting his dick in enough though Jed stretched it with is finger . Jason tried pushing harder while gripping the base of his cock . Jed must have relaxed because his facial expression said it all - he was riding two cocks at the same time . Jason and I remained motionless until Jed told us we could move . A finger puts me over the edge sometime . . . I can only imagine what two cocks feel like . Jed gave the word he was ready to be fucked . I tried rocking my hips while Jason fucked him which led to my dick escaping . Jason put my back in and then maneuvered his back in . I stayed almost motionless and let Jason fuck him . Don 't get me wrong . I could feet my son 's cock rubbing the underside of my cock . The head of his cock was brushing against the tender spot just under the head of my cock where the head meets the shaft . Holy shit , if he keeps this up , I 'm going to blow my load up his ass . " I cannot take it anymore - I 'm going to cum . Don 't stop fucking me . Keep fucking me . Fuck me . Fuck me harder . Here it comes . Don 't fucking stooooopppppppp ! " I felt the warms blasts of his cum puddle on my stomach and his asshole spasm around our dicks . His hand wasn 't slowing down . He was still jerking as fast and furious as ever . The puddle felt like it was the size of a dinner plate and still growing . How much cum does this guy have in him I thought to myself . His asshole quit twitching and his hand was slowing down but did not stop . " Someone 's dick is pounding my prostate . Fuckin ' A it feels good . If you keep doing that , I think I can shoot another gallon . " This kicked Jason into overdrive . He wasn 't sure if his dick was nailing his prostate and neither was I , but he was giving everything he had . Jason was rapid - fire fucking . He was pulling his cock almost all the way out then going in as far as he could as fast as he could . The feeling of my son 's cock rubbing against mine and his balls slapping mine was bringing me to the edge . I 'd never experienced sex with my son like this before . " I 'm about to cum , too . Don 't stop Jason . Keep it up ! " I muttered Jason didn 't slow down one bit and I began shooting my load up Jed 's hole . My cum added to the experience of Jason 's dick sliding against mine . That and the fact my head was sensitive was throwing my mind into euphoria . Jason cockhead was still brushing against mine after I finished depositing my load but he didn 't care . My load was leaking out of his ass and running down my balls . Jason 's balls were sticking to mine because of my cum . None of this bothered him because he was focused that it was his turn to shoot his cum up Jed . He was feverously trying to bust his nut . You could tell by the fact his eyes were closed and the way his head was tilted up and to the side . With that he buried his cock one last time in Jed 's ass and began firing his load . I could feel his cock spasm against mine and the feel of warm cum on my still sensitive cockhead . Jason remained still until he finished depositing his cum . Jed on the other hand was still stroking his cock between us . The speed of his strokes was increasing . He was going to try to shoot off a second load . I took my hands from behind my head and grabbed Jed by the sides of his face pulling his face close to mine . His lips parted as mine did . Then our lips touched . I pulled his yet closer and began to squeeze his head trying to get him closer . My tongue parted his lips and explored his mouth . His tongue met mine as we embraced in a passionate kiss . He didn 't say anything but his exhale into my mouth did the talking . He was about to shoot another load all over me . We stayed connected by our lips until he finished draining a second load in a matter of minutes from his balls . His asshole was about to squeeze my softening dick from him . Jason still was deeply planted inside Jed . " I 'm not trying to steal your boyfriend . I 'm not looking for a partner and no one could ever replace you as my son . Not now , not ever . You are part of me physically , mentally and spiritually . I love you Jason and would never hurt you . " With that , Jason moved up and gave me the most passionate kiss of his life . While Jason and I were embarrassing , Jed slid out of bed and left my bedroom . Jason apologized for getting upset and I reassured him I did not want to be a distraction in his and Jed 's relationship . We talked for a while and came to the conclusion that we would leave Jed out of " our " relationship . Jed fully understands that we share a special bond and knows there will be times when we need to " bond " , but we would still keep our father / son relationship just that . RRicch GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . 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In December , I had a giveaway of my novel The Summer of France . Jacqui at French Village Diaries won the book . She finished reading and wrote a review on her blog post today . I hope you 'll stop by and take a look at her kind words . And , maybe leave a message so I don 't feel like I 'm all alone in the publishing / blogging world . Hello ? Echo , echo . If you still haven 't read my book and you 're a member of Goodreads , you can sign up to win a paperback copy in another giveaway . Just click to enter . The contest goes through Feb . 15 . I 'd also love to be your friend on Goodreads if you want to add me . And , as an added bonus , here 's a photo from Provence , the little village of Arles . Earl and I stayed in Arles one night during our Provence bike trip . This is the Cafe Van Gogh . Love the color of the buildings and the chairs . Wish I were sitting there in the sun , having a glass of wine with all of you . Every Tuesday , Diane at Bibliophile by the Sea posts the first paragraph of her current read . Anyone can join in . Go to Diane 's website for the image and share the first paragraph of the current book you are reading . I started reading Amalfi Blue : lost & found in the south of Italy by Lisa Fantino after a positive recommendation by a friend . I 'm not too sure about it yet . See what you think . Here 's the intro : Today is Tuesday April 3 , 2012 . It 's my third day here and it 's a bit isolating and lonely . The apartment is lovely and I can stare out my window at yards of lemon and orange groves but I don 't know a soul except business contacts . Also this week is Teaser Tuesdays . Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme , hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading . Anyone can play along ! Open to a random page of your current read and share a teaser sentence from somewhere on that page . BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS ! Share the title & author , too , so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers . Please join this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us your passion for France . Did you read a good book set in France ? See a movie ? Take a photo in France ? Have an adventure ? Eat a fabulous meal or even just a pastry ? Or if you 're in France now , go ahead and lord it over the rest of us . We can take it . This week , I finished reading a book set in France and watched a French movie . I can 't recommend the book too highly . The book , A Chateau in Provence by Charles Wood , was such a strange title . The book truly had nothing to do with a chateau , but I thought the premise was fun . Some Americans vacationing in France get caught up in intrigue over a painting stolen by the Nazis and never returned . As a matter of fact , my own novel , The Summer of France , deals with some Nazi - stolen art as well , so , of course , I thought the idea was great . In spite of the good plot , the characters were not fleshed out enough so the reader could relate to them , and some basic editing would have helped the book . Also , when writing with a different language included , like French , it 's always a good idea to check and re - check to get it right . Since I 'm an English teacher , some basic punctuation issues , like misplaced commas , bugged me too . Here 's an excerpt from the book on page 63 : He tried the knob . he not only hadn 't closed the door , he hadn 't even locked it . He pushed it open and went to the side of the bed , knelt on one knee and reached his hand into the area between mattress and spring and felt the comforting bulk of his wallet . He felt relieved . The next thing Sam felt was an immense explosion in the back of his head followed by brilliant firewords behind his eyes . The room spun and tilted sidewise . His consciousness slipped away like a medieval ghost gliding out the door . The book skipped back and forth from different characters points of view and the reader didn 't get a chance to know any of them enough to really care about them . This also counts toward the meme Books on France 2013 at Words and Peace . I 've vowed to read 12 books set in France and this is my second . It counts even if I 'm not crazy about it , right ? We also watched a French movie Saturday evening - - Tous les Matins du Monde with Gerard DePardieu . The film was based on the life of the composer Sainte Colombe . It tells the story of the eccentric composer in mourning for the wife who dies young . He refuses to play at court because he feels the music is more important than recognition from the king . The composer is left to raise two young daughters , and he teaches them both to play the cello as well . Then a young man , Marin Marais , comes to learn the cello from Sainte Colombe and one of the daughters falls for him . It 's this young man who later becomes the DePardieu character . Like many French movies , this one leaves a lot of questions . The opening defintely made me uncomfortable . Probably the first 15 minutes was a close - up shot on Depardieu as he began to tell his story . I just wanted to look away , but I had to keep looking to read the English translation . The movie did hold my attention through the end even though I was very tired . And some things seems so French , like the daughter pulling her breast out of her blouse to offer herself to Marais . Or the line about the daughters growing up and that they now had to wear a pad between their legs because they bled monthly . I just thought that was something that wouldn 't have been voiced in an American film . Maybe we 're too squeamish , or maybe it 's obvious . The music throughout the film was lovely and full of emotion . The movie took me to 17th century France for a short time , although the life seemed hard and fairly joyless . The composer took joy only in the moments that the ghost of his wife appeared to him , and ( spoiler alert ) the daughter dies young as well . The reviews of this on Amazon are breathless , so I suppose I should assume I didn 't gather the true meaning . To participate in the Saturday Snapshot meme post a photo that you ( or a friend or family member ) have taken then leave a direct link to your post on Alyce 's blog At Home With Books . Photos can be old or new , and be of any subject as long as they are clean and appropriate for all eyes to see . How much detail you give in the caption is entirely up to you . Please don 't post random photos that you find online . Please take a minute to view my book trailer - - it 's like a movie trailer , but about my novel The Summer of France instead . Well , it makes me want to read it again . I hope it convinces everyone else . If you enjoy it , will you like it on youtube ? This year , I signed up to read 12 books set in France at the Books on France challenge held by Emma at Words and Peace . The first book I 've finished for this challenge is French Illusions , which is a memoir , by Linda Kovic - Skow . This was an enjoyable book that takes the reader to 1979 France and let 's us see a French family through her eyes . Kovic - Skow ended up going to France as an au pair because she wanted to learn French so she could become a flight attendant . But in order to get the job as an au pair , she had to pretend to speak French . It sounds like a vicious circle . So 22 - year - old Kovic - Skow faked her French test and was hired by a well - off French family . That did not get her au pair experience off to a great start . The French family considered sending her home but in the end let her stay . She grew close with two of the children she cared for but did not get along with the mother of the family . She also got to attend some classes in Tours and meet other young people around the world . The story definitely engaged me as I hurried to find out how her au pair experience turned out . Throughout most of the meal , I felt ignored until Monsieur Dubois turned to me and asked a surprising question . " What do you think of Monsieur Carter ? Many of us in France are amazed you elected him president . " " I really don 't follow politics . I 'm sorry . I wish I had more to say . " My cheeks warmed , and I felt embarrassed by my response . At that time in my young life , I knew very little about affairs of state . I remember those feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy as I sat through many dinners with a French family when I was an au pair . In spite of some of the author 's difficulties , I 'll admit to being jealous of some of Kovic - Skow 's opportunities . I didn 't get any days off when I was an au pair . But she was required to do things I hadn 't dreamed of , like make homemade yogurt . This morning , while it was still dark , I walked into my son 's bedroom laden with medicines . Ibuprofen for the pain . A huge pink antibiotic . A bottle of " magic mouthwash " for throat pain . A bottle of cough syrup laced with codeine and decongestant . He went with some friends to spend the weekend at Ohio University . OU is known across the nation for it 's parties , but Spencer did not get to enjoy the parties . He got sick right away . He sat on a couch , half conscious until one of the OU boys took pity on him and walked him back to the dorm room . He slept on the futon in a sweaty fever and arrived back home the next morning . We doused him with ibuprofen and Sudafed and sent him to bed . We thought it was a cold . He got progressively worse through the day . We decided he might have the flu . His whole body hurt . When he was awake , he bemoaned that he couldn 't live like this . He 's not prone to drama , so I planned to take him to the doctor on Monday , but I didn 't count on Martin Luther King Jr . Day . The doctor 's office was closed . I knew that he could take Tamiflu to shorten the flu if I could get him in within 48 hours . The pharmacist encouraged me to call the emergency number at the doctor . " That 's what they 're there for , " she said . He was so miserable . All he had done was sleep for two days . He sat in the office with his head in his hands , his skin a chalky color , his breathing through his mouth shallow . The doctor was one we hadn 't seen before . She commented on his swollen lymph nodes and checked his liver . She wouldn 't give him Tamiflu without a flu test . Have you had a flu test ? It involves a cotton swab on the end of a 7 - inch long stick . The swab goes up and up into the nostril . It ended with a nose bleed for Spencer . " Just a virus , " the doctor said . Then she gave us a blood test for mononucleosis the next day and sent us on our way . Spence just moaned . An hour later , the doctor 's office called . Spence had a check up the Wednesday before and our regular doctor had checked him for strep , but the rapid test came back negative . After we left the office , the doctor checked the follow - up strep test . Yep , it was positive . So he 's been on antibiotics since Monday and he 's starting to believe that he might make it through . Yesterday , he managed to sit up and play Xbox for a little while . He even managed to yell at the TV a few times . I think he 's on the road to recovery . He 'd better be . It 's back to college next week . at Every Tuesday , Diane at Bibliophile by the Sea posts the first paragraph of her current read . Anyone can join in . Go to Diane 's website for the image and share the first paragraph of the current book you are reading . enjoyed , so I was searching for a new read to download , because I was stranded with technology . If I had been on my computer , I would have read the reviews before I downloaded it and might not have bought it . I 'm on page 66 of 183 and am on the fence about finishing . See what you think : Also this week is Teaser Tuesdays . Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme , hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading . Anyone can play along ! Open to a random page of your current read and share a teaser sentence from somewhere on that page . BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS ! Share the title & author , too , so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers . The next thing Sam felt was an immense explosion in the back of his head followed by brilliant fireworks behind his eyes . The room spun and tilted sidewise . His consciousness slipped away like a medieval ghost gliding out the door . Please join this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us your passion for France . Did you read a good book set in France ? See a movie ? Take a photo in France ? Have an adventure ? Eat a fabulous meal or even just a pastry ? Or if you 're in France now , go ahead and lord it over the rest of us . We can take it . In May 1991 , Earl and I visited France together for the first time . We visited friends and toured some castles in the Loire Valley . Here are the photos from Chambord . Before finally , the shot of the entire castle . Look at the sky . What a day . I hope you 'll play along . Leave your link and a comment . To participate in the Saturday Snapshot meme post a photo that you ( or a friend or family member ) have taken then leave a direct link to your post on Alyce 's blog At Home With Books . Photos can be old or new , and be of any subject as long as they are clean and appropriate for all eyes to see . How much detail you give in the caption is entirely up to you . Please don 't post random photos that you find online . The cases are full of lots of truffles . Some of the chocolates have flat tops with interesting designs . The owner is a friendly man who is usually in the back room making chocolates when I show up . Big windows look into the " chocolate kitchen " so he sees me and comes out to the shop . If he is working on something new , he might give me a free sample ! When the chocolatier places the chocolates in a box , he carefully arranges them so the box has an artful look . I 've sent chocolates to my mother and my grandmother . Watching the chocolatier pack the boxes is almost as much fun as eating them . Almost . If I rated books out of 5 stars , I 'd give this one 3 stars . The first 100 pages were deadly dull and confusing with all the unrelated characters . As the characters came together , the plot moved along more quickly . People who 've read the Harry Potter series might think Rowling didn 't veer that far from her original series with this book . Some of the main characters are two teenage boys ( one of whom is an orphan who was adopted ) and two teenage girls . They 're all unhappy with their lives and find ways to get back at their parents . But the main focus of the book was truly income and education inequality . One of the characters is a crass , poor teenage girl with a drug - addicted mom . The girl is made more lovable with her devotion to her toddler brother . Rowling 's book did not become preachy , but perhaps it was her effort to avoid preachiness that caused it to be devoid of emotions . A good book should make the reader feel many things . This one didn 't , even as tragedies unfolded at the end . Although the book didn 't evoke emotions , it did make me think more about what the middle and upper classes owe the struggling lower class . Rowling lived a life on the British equivalent of welfare , so she understands the differences between surviving and thriving . Here , she makes a point of showing us that the poor live a very different lifestyle , one that most middle - class people judge and can 't begin to imagine . In the three novels I 've written , the main characters all run away to try to solve their problems . This week , I wish I were a character in my novels . I 'm fighting the urge to run away . This week , I know that a check for about $ 1700 is coming our way . And I know that I should pay college bills and buy new tires for both cars . That is the sensible thing to do with the money . Or maybe I could go sit in a cafe in Paris and just watch the people to forget about my worries . What if you were getting some surprise money ? Where would you run away too ? Every Tuesday , Diane at Bibliophile by the Sea posts the first paragraph of her current read . Anyone can join in . Go to Diane 's website for the image and share the first paragraph of the current book you are reading . As I start back to teaching classes today , this little book is perfect to put in my bookbag in case I have spare time to read and want to escape to Paris with The Flaneur : A Stroll through the Paradoxes of Paris by Edmund White . I love the cover with the photo of the fountain ( is that Luxemburg Gardens ? ) and the drawings of the chairs . I can feel those chairs waiting for the Parisians who will fill them on the first sunny day . Here 's the intro : Also this week is Teaser Tuesdays . Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme , hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading . Anyone can play along ! Open to a random page of your current read and share a teaser sentence from somewhere on that page . BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS ! Share the title & author , too , so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers . Please join this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us your passion for France . Did you read a good book set in France ? See a movie ? Take a photo in France ? Have an adventure ? Eat a fabulous meal or even just a pastry ? Or if you 're in France now , go ahead and lord it over the rest of us . We can take it . I 'm only a couple of chapters into reading this memoir , which is called French Illusions . The author , Linda Kovic - Skow , tells the story from the late 1970s when she wanted to be a flight attendant and was turned down because she didn 't speak another language . She determined to learn French by going to France as an au pair . Of course , she pretended she already spoke French to get the job as an au pair . It wasn 't at all like me speaking to them or lecturing them . It felt more like a group discussion . During my part of the agenda , I brought up some points and everyone shared their thoughts on it . Sometimes the discussion veered off the road , but we generally got things back on track . One thing I had planned to do was read from my novel , The Summer of France . Afterall , publishing the novel was got me an invitation to the group . Although I talked about the novel , where the idea came from and how it evolved , I never actually read from it . Have I told you that story ? My book started out with the idea of a couple escaping from their everyday life to run a bed and breakfast in Mackinac Island , Michigan . If you haven 't visited Mackinac Island , you should . It 's an island that 's reachable by boat and doesn 't allow cars . It 's full of horses and carriages , along with bicycles . And it 's famous for its fudge . My husband and I even went to stay in a house that might be turned into a bed and breakfast . I was going to call the novel , Fudge Ho ! So that idea evolved into a novel about an Ohio woman , Fia , and her family who go to Provence , France to run a bed and breakfast for the Fia 's great uncle . The great uncle married a Frenchwoman after World War II , but he is hiding from a war secret . As you can tell , the idea changed quite a bit , but I 'm thrilled with the results . If you haven 't read it yet , I hope you will . You can buy it in ebook form or paperback on Amazon . The Summer of France . The discussion yesterday didn 't focus only on my novel though . We tackled the tough subjects like the state of the publishing industry . To participate in the Saturday Snapshot meme post a photo that you ( or a friend or family member ) have taken then leave a direct link to your post on Alyce 's blog At Home With Books . Photos can be old or new , and be of any subject as long as they are clean and appropriate for all eyes to see . How much detail you give in the caption is entirely up to you . Please don 't post random photos that you find online . Earl 's nieces have been giving us a baby boom recently . And luckily , one of them moved just a few minutes away . Last weekend we got to visit with six - month - old Regan . Here she is hanging upside down . Earl 's other niece just had a baby on Dec . 21 . And we hadn 't seen the new baby yet , but finally he was released to the family last weekend . From the expression on his face , I can tell that Grant doesn 't think it 's a good idea . He is very concerned at two weeks old . Tonight , my long vacation comes to an end . I finished teaching and submitted grades on Dec . 22 . Since then , I have been lollygagging - - as far as work goes . I 've read and watched too much TV . I 've worked out and visited with family . I 've harangued my kids and I 'm sure they 've wished I 'd go back to work . Here 's something surprising - - I get less done when I 'm off work than when I work . I do less housework . I cook dinner less often . I 'm basically pretty unmotivated when I 'm off work . But everyone needs some down time , so I 'm going to accept my laziness . No , I 'm going to embrace my laziness . I had some family life stress over my vacation ; Maybe lying around rather than accomplishing things is what I needed to bounce back and become an A - personality professor and author . I hope everyone had a chance to relax , even if you didn 't get to a beach or ski lodge or didn 't get time off work , like we college professors did . at So my first 100 pages of J . K . Rowling 's novel The Casual Vacancy plodded past . Because the book wasn 't interesting , I wasn 't compelled to pick it up in my few spare minutes . Because I didn 't pick it up at every opportunity , each time I had to try to remember who this character was or who that character was . There are lots of characters and none of them is the protagonist . None of them is the one character you are pulling for or rooting against . In addition to lots of characters , the book didn 't evoke any emotion in me . It was dull . So why didn 't I stop it ? I made the mistake of looking at the Amazon reviews . It has bad and good reviews . The bad reviews , unfortunately , said intellectual things like , " This book sucks . " or " What a waste of time . " The good reviews , of course , went into detail about how this is a great saga and that just because it is difficult reading does not mean that the reader should put it down . The good reviewers were claiming that the rest of us were lightweights . So I determined to keep reading , even if I don 't like it . Maybe I 'll change my mind by the time I get to the end , or maybe I won 't , but I 'll be able to give an honest review of it . How about you ? How far do you read before giving up on a book ? Or are you one of those who never gives up ? You 'll read to the end no matter what . at Every Tuesday , Diane at Bibliophile by the Sea posts the first paragraph of her current read . Anyone can join in . Go to Diane 's website for the image and share the first paragraph of the current book you are reading . Also this week is Teaser Tuesdays . Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme , hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading . Anyone can play along ! Open to a random page of your current read and share a teaser sentence from somewhere on that page . BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS ! Share the title & author , too , so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers . What do you think ? Have you read it ? Do you plan to ? Should I keep going ? On page 93 now and it is a bit of a struggle to keep all the characters straight and to figure out who I should be rooting for . at Please join this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us your passion for France . Did you read a good book set in France ? See a movie ? Take a photo in France ? Have an adventure ? Eat a fabulous meal or even just a pastry ? Or if you 're in France now , go ahead and lord it over the rest of us . We can take it . We also saw the Camargue cowboys riding the white horses and coralling a bull through the streets . Here are a couple of shots from that exciting experience . Again , something that wouldn 't happen in the United States because we would worry about someone suing if the bull got loose . " Do you want to get in there and have your picture taken with them ? " I asked her . " I guess , " she said and took a few steps toward them . Then she stopped . We were at the dinner following her husband 's funeral . My Uncle Clarence died New Year 's morning in his sleep . He hadn 't been sick . His oldest son thinks he knew he was getting ready to go : " He always said he wanted to go on the back of a tractor and he ran that thing pretty hard the last forty - eight hours . " " I was one month shy of my 17th birthday , " she said . In Kentucky , where they lived , she had to be 17 or get her parents ' permission to marry . " My parents wouldn 't sign , " she said . " They liked Clarence just fine but thought I was too young to know what I was doing . " So her cousin forged the signature , and Clarence married Marie , and they were together for 66 years until Tuesday morning when she found him still in bed at 8 a . m . He had watched the celebration of the New Year before dying in his sleep . During the funeral , I was sitting behind my Uncle Jim . Uncle Jim has one daughter and one granddaughter . So when the preacher read the list of survivors for Uncle Clarence - - four children , 16 grandchildren , 29 great - grandchildren and three great - great grandchildren - - Uncle Jim exclaimed , " Lawd Al - mighty ! " When I wrote my novel The Summer of France , I based one of the characters on my uncles ' war stories . The character Uncle Martin was a Kentucky boy who jumped in to join the war effort . I even dedicated the book to my uncles . My Mother in the center . Uncle Albert is on the far right with Uncle Junior next to him . But I never gave Uncle Clarence a copy before he died . I took copies yesterday for Uncle Junior , 91 , and Uncle Albert , 80 , who are still healthy . I wanted to make sure they knew they had inspired me . And I gave a copy to one of Clarence 's daughters . So many of us have older relatives that we take for granted . Don 't wait until it 's too late to gather their stories . To participate in the Saturday Snapshot meme post a photo that you ( or a friend or family member ) have taken then leave a direct link to your post on Alyce 's blog At Home With Books . Photos can be old or new , and be of any subject as long as they are clean and appropriate for all eyes to see . How much detail you give in the caption is entirely up to you . Please don 't post random photos that you find online . This break was the perfect time for it to snow , since I didn 't have to be anywhere . I could just enjoy the beauty of the snow , although , I 'm still annoyed at the people who don 't shovel their walks . It 's treacherous to try to walk anywhere as the snow has been packed down to ice . I look forward to seeing everyone else 's Saturday Snapshots . Truthfully , I haven 't read a lot of Dorothy Parker . I 've only read her pithy quotes , but who wouldn 't fall in love with those ? " If you wear a short enough skirt , the party will come to you . " Author Ellen Meister , in her new book Farewell , Dorothy Parker , brings Parker to life as a mentor from death to her timid character Violet Epps . Violet is a movie critic with big opinions who can 't seem to speak up for herself in her own life . At the beginning , I didn 't like Violet very much . She stood in front of a maitre 'd and was overlooked without a peep . That bugged me . She didn 't have the gumption to break up with her mooching boyfriend . In fact , not very much about Violet was likeable . Luckily , she was immediately plunged into interacting with Dorothy Parker . Violet meets Parker when she 's asked to sign the Algonquin Hotel guestbook . Somehow , she ends up taking the guestbook home only to learn that Parker 's ghost is attached to it . That 's how Dorothy Parker ends up in Violet 's house on long - term loan , ready to give advice and prod Violet into having a backbone . Meister , of course , had to channel Dorothy Parker in order to portray her wit , and I think she did quite well . Here 's a passage in the book that made me chuckle . Violet is showing the ghost Dorothy Parker how computers work and allowing her to write an email . The Parker character speaks first : Candy blinked . " Smoke shop ? " she said again . Mrs . Parker shrugged . " Vile habit . I used to say , ' I 'll quit when I die , ' but it turns out even that was harder than I thought . " An entire novel can 't be built around a few clever phrases though , and Meister didn 't rely on the presence of Parker alone . Her character was in a situation where if she didn 't grow a backbone , she was going to lose things she loved , like her job and the care of her niece . So Parker 's appearance was fortuitous in helping the character change her life . And , in turn , Violet helped Parker face things that she might be avoiding after death , the idea of crossing over to be with loved ones . The novel deals with Parker 's painful childhood and whether her mother , who died before she turned five , would love her in the afterlife . Meister could have stayed on the surface and dealt only with the wisecracking Parker , but she dug into some of the true emotions that the larger - than - life woman might have dealt with . This is definitely a book worth picking up . I received an ARC from Putnam to review the book and the quotes may change in the final version . The free book didn 't slant my review . The book will be available in February and can currently be pre - ordered on Amazon . My Uncle Clarence died on Jan . 1 , 2013 . He 's my mother 's second oldest brother . In his 80s , he was slim , his hair still dark , and he had a high , southern , tenor voice . Yesterday , he watched the ball drop at midnight , went to bed about 12 : 30 then his wife couldn 't wake him up the next morning . He hadn 't been sick . Uncle Clarence told me stories about fighting in World War II when I asked him . He showed me a huge certificate he got in the Navy when they crossed the International Date Line . His younger brother , who fought in the Korean War , got a tiny billfold sized certificate . It 's funny that they both carried those with them . The big certificate was in an envelope in the car . For New Year 's , we let Tucker , 16 , have a gathering . He refused to call it a party . But there were a lot of kids here . Earl and I camped out at the neighbors , coming over every hour or so to check on the party . Sometimes a cat is the only comfort . Tucker promised to control things and he had a miserable time , which is to be expected . He explained that at one point , giving up , he took the cat and lay on his bed . He couldn 't wait for everyone to go home . At 12 : 15 , he shot over to the neighbor 's house to get the car keys and drive home a friend . Grace and her friends had returned and were shuffling teenagers out of the house . " Does everyone have rides home ? Anyone need a ride ? " Earl and I asked . We aren 't stupid about teenagers and alcohol . Nope . The toilet tank was empty of any water and had a big hole in the bottom of it . How does someone put a hole in a porcelain toilet tank ? Luckily , whoever did it , knew to turn off the water to the toilet so it didn 't flood the whole house . Also , the towels in the bathroom were lying in a wet heap where someone had cleaned up the water overflow . So whoever broke the toilet was very responsible . Someone also left money on top of the toilet tank and more cash in the mailbox . Earl spent January 1 driving to Home Depot and buying a new toilet tank . He installed it and had moved on to shoveling the neighbor 's driveway by mid - morning . And those were just some of the activities that started my New Year . How bout you ? Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
Here 's a quick list of everything that 's happened in this year of our marriage : - Claire Kate was born - Began working with e3 Partners - Quit working at Concord - Trey turned two - Mr . Mugsy went to doggy heavenThese are some pretty major life altering events ! Having babies , massive career changes , gains and losses . Walking through these things with Holly was a God - given blessing . No other woman would put up with me . No other woman would be so giving or understanding . No other hand would fit so perfectly in mine down this road of life . She 's a terrific mother , and even better wife . My ministry would be impossible without her participation and support . Few wives would be real excited about her husband quitting a stable job with benefits to raise support and work in the most dangerous and volatile region on the planet . Mine encouraged me along the path to follow God regardless of where it lead , and consistently lifts me up on the days I want to throw in the towel . I 'm grateful that when things are spinning out of control she 's spinning with me . God has taught us a lot about faith and the failure of self - reliance . He 's also showing us the magnitude of His Faithfulness , Protection , and Love . Holly , you 're more than I could have ever dreamed up . You inspire me to continue my pursuit of our Savior all the while forgetting my shortcomings . You amaze me with your strength , and support . I appreciate all that you do . I can 't imagine a better mom , friend , helper , or lover . I 'm yours ! Here 's to the next year and all that it might bring . I stand unafraid to face what comes knowing our Leader never fails , and our bond never falters . Baby , I love you ! Hey blog friends . I want to introduce you to some friends of mine . There names are Greg , Lisa , and Jackman Harper . They are awesome ! Jackman is a new arrival , who showed up exactly like God planned for him to , but it caught the rest of us a little off guard . I don 't want to spoil any of it , so go read it for yourself . Plan to be encouraged by the faith of a young family . You 're likely gonna laugh and cry as Holly and I have , but more than anything , I think you 'll see the majesty and glory of a God and King that loves us as His children . Pray for this family in the days to come , and be an encouragement to them . Here 's their blog http : / / harpertimes . blogspot . com / . Me and Claire Kate 's new game . You may have to watch it in Youtube because the size is off on the blog ( sorry ) . Just click the video and it should take you to the site . Tomorrow I 'll start posting some Israel stuff . Hope you enjoy this ! ! Kids that live on the street . IquitosThe only road out of the city . It 's 100 km long , and this is km 56 . Houses on the Amazon . Evening learning group . A cool sunset and loving people . The Catholic Church at night . I haven 't had an opportunity to do any post production on these photos . The church and the road pictures gave me an opportunity to play around with some long exposure times ( shutter speed on the road was about 30 seconds ) . Anyway , I 'd appreciate any of my photographer friends giving me some constructive criticism on these pics , so as to make me better on the next go round . I had a good dad growing up . He made time for us , taught us right from wrong , and loved us . He still is a great dad , and loving Grandfather to my kids . If I could pick one attribute of my father to display to my kids , it would be the love he showed to us through the time he spent with us . It taught me a lot about the love God has for us , and I would guess that much of what I believe about my heavenly father came as a result of my relationship with my dad . Every now and then my pops makes his way over here to read these posts , and I want to say a public " Thank You " for the security you provided , the display of Godly manhood , and the things you continue to teach me about loving my own children . I love you Dad , you were and are a blessing from God ! What about your father do you want to mimic to your own children ? In case you missed yesterday 's post read it first , so that today 's is in clear perspective and context . You can click here to read it . . . After Monkey Island , there was a sense that things couldn 't get any worse . We were wrong ! On the way into see our not - so friendly primate friends , David pointed out the Indian village we would soon visit . It appeared to be only about 10 minutes away , and would give a few of our team the opportunity to visit the facilities , so to speak . However , we quickly passed by the dock where we were supposed to stop , and a sudden sense came over me that we were going to see a different village . David mentioned that we must be going to a different Indian tribe , and we began to inquire of Freddy as the the whereabouts of our next encounter . To my great sadness , we would be returning to our original dock for more fuel , then another 15 minutes to meet the Bora Tribe . That 's right , another hour and forty - five minute boat ride . After running aground 3 times ( sudden jerks are not good on loose bowels ) on the way back , we finally had more fuel . The Amazon turned into a tributary , and as we continued into some smaller canals , Freddy pointed out the place where we would soon get to hold some Anacondas ( that 's right , Anacondas ) . Up ahead I could see the tops of a few thatch roofed huts , and got the affirmation that these were indeed the home to the Bora people . As we approached the dock I was enjoying the beautiful everglade - like scenery , when from the back of the boat I hear , " Are those boobies ? " Now just this phrase alone has enough awkwardness to throw you into a " What is happening ? " type moment . As I begin to get my bearings from being blindsided by that that word making an appearance , I look ahead in disbelief at the woman on the docks . We 're still a good 75 yards away , but it 's pretty apparent that this 60 something year - old lady is covering herself with only a loin cloth . In my mind I began to scramble . I had the thought , " I 'm responsible for this team . I need to do something ! " So , I did somethingPosted by This all started on Saturday . None of the team could afford a real Amazon tour , so David Chism , or fearless leader , set up a home grown tour day for us . During lunch he saw a local guy named Freddy that he had worked with before , and asked him if he could set up an excursion for us on the Amazon River . Around a half hour later Freddy returned to give us a quote for such a trip , which would take place at 8 am the following Friday . We would visit Monkey Island , an Indian Village , and get to see some real life Anacondas . The group seemed amiable to the price and attractions , with only a few unhappy mumblings over the possible snake encounter , so we decided to go for it . We had no idea what lie ahead . . . Friday morning we arrived at the boat docks at 8 am , but we were in Peru , so we knew that we would likely not leave until 8 : 30 ( This is not a knock , just a realization that there is a difference in U . S . time and Peruvian time ) . When 8 : 30 rolled around we were still boatless , and I could tell Freddy was getting a little nervous . He hinted that he didn 't think his reserved captain would be able to make it , so he rented a different , less sophisticated vessel for us to tame the great Amazon beast . We rode for 30 minutes . When I inquired as to the whereabouts of this famed Monkey Island , Freddy responded that we were still a good 50 minutes away . Perhaps it would be beneficial to mention here that more than half of the people who were on the boat were severely stricken with Montezuma 's revenge , present company not excluded , and were not prepared for such a long aquatic journey . Nevertheless , with beats of sweat forming rapidly on our foreheads , we pressed onward . The next time I checked my watch I realized we had traveled about an hour and a half , ten minutes farther than the expected time to reach Monkey Island . Freddy began to inquire of the boat driver where he was going , only to find out that he wasn 't entirely sure where the specific location of said primate isle might be . We spotted a young child washing clothes on thePosted by I learned a couple of valuable lessons on this trip to Ecuador . The first was that you should never plan two trips back to back . It 's too much ! Another thing that I learned was far more sinister , and unforgettable . If you don 't like my posts about bathroom things , now would be a good time for you to look away , and read someone else 's blog . For the majority of you that find great joy and pleasure in my pain and stomach fails you may want to stick around . I can sleep anywhere . Under any circumstances . Every trip that I ever took with students wrought a new picture with me asleep in interesting positions and places . The hum of a plane 's engine might as well be Nyquil or Benadryl to me . I 'm lucky if I make it off the runway awake . But on the flight home from Ecuador , I could not get comfortable . Then IT happened . Let me clarify . . . Ecuador has possibly the best ice cream in the entire world . My stomach responds quite negatively to dairy products , but Ecuadorian ice cream is worth it . I had eaten massive amounts during the week with no consequence , but I couldn 't let sleeping dogs lie . Saturday , late in the afternoon I made a poor decision . Someone said , " Let 's go get one of those big ice cream cones one last time before we go home . " At the time , this sounded like the greatest idea I had ever heard . Sure , I had a passing thought that it would be VERY bad to have an " episode " on the plane ride , but what could go wrong ? I had eaten my weight in the stuff during the week , and nothing happened . This time would prove different . At 3 : 30 am , 36 , 000 feet up , I awoke from a not - so - peaceful slumber mortified by what I knew was about to take place . There was no emergency landings , or turning the plane around . This was going to happen . My old friend , Cold Sweats was there with his good buddy Grinding Intestinal Pain . I spent a few minutes begging them to go away . I tried to rotate in my seat , sit up , lay back , lean forward , but there was no avoiding the inevitable . I was in a window seat , so I woke everyone up on my row as I scamperePosted by Have you ever stopped and thought about the dentist ? It 's one of those things that if you weren 't brought up in this culture you would think was extremely strange . We 're conditioned to believe that it 's completely normal , but it 's not . They drill in your mouth . Every drill I 've ever handled had pictures of marred stick figures that got the drill too close to their face . This tender cartoon was intended to let those who can 't read know that drills should not be used too close to your face , much less in it . They stick sharp objects in your mouth . Pretty sure my mom told me never to do that . While all of those tools are in your mouth , they ask you questions , but somehow still know what you 're saying when you respond . Personal space issues seem non - existent . This is all terribly strange . To top it all off , we pay for these things . " Yeah , " we think , " you deserve compensation for this . " Nice . Real Nice . Every time I keep the babies by myself I have a greater respect for what Holly does day after day . Today I kept them while she went to a Peru fundraiser for our upcoming trip in June . It 's one thing to watch the babies , but she watches them , cooks , cleans , maintains herself , and looks after her man . What a woman ! Baby , I love and appreciate you more than you know ! You amaze me ! I realize I tell you this , but I want everyone else to know how special I believe you are . I couldn 't have dreamed of a better , more perfect wife , friend , or mother . Happy Mother 's Day ! I love you ! Every night we go through the same routine . After bath time , Trey and I play in the floor while Holly feeds Claire Kate . At the end of our play time , kisses abound , as do " I love you " and " night , night . " It is all very sweet and beautiful . I look forward to it every day . Tonight was more of the same . I carried Trey in his room and laid him in his bed . He wanted to hold Elmo and listen to his Veggie Tales cd , which was pretty normal . As I made my exit from the room , I went over , kissed him on the forehead , and told him " I love you Big Man . " When I got to the door as I began to close it I heard , " Daddy ? " " Yes Buddy ? " " I love you . " It was so tender and sincere . My chest swelled up , and tears filled my eyes . He meant it from the bottom of his two year old heart . Our routine is great . I love it , and the 16 times during the day when Trey tells me , " I love you " are all very special , but there was something different about tonight at that moment . Perhaps God is similar toward us as His children . No doubt He is likely pleased with our worship , and even our " I love you " routines . But there is this part of me that just realized it 's those times when we break from typical , and stop normal life to say I love you that make the Heart of a Father melt . I have written ad nauseam about my dislike of animals here on Pertaining to all things Robertesque , but I once again feel the need to print that my least favorite of all the animal kingdom is rats . I mean , I really hate them ! Not only that , if you like them , there is something wrong with you . Pet rats ? Come on ! Anyway , today one was by my feet on the sidewalk outside . Holly spotted it and I shrieked like a little girl . It was tiny , but really , is there such a thing ? There 's no mice , only rats . . . and I hate all of them . So , I grabbed the shovel and in one swift move cut off it 's head . I was slightly afraid that it might somehow jump on me . Not taking any chances , I left all of its body on the sidewalk in hopes that others might see it and continue past our house realizing that sure and certain demise meet all rodents in this abode . This is not true , because at the moment I see a rat in this house we are moving , plain and simple . But I want them to really wonder if coming in the Hope residence is the best choice for their little rat lives , with their crooked big teeth and beady eyes . After all my tests came back , turns out there 's nothing wrong with my gall bladder . It is fit as a fiddle . The doc said to watch what I eat . Haha . That 's funny . I do that anyway . Not in the sense that I monitor a strict diet , I just post statuses on twitter about every meal , so I can later examine all that has been eaten . He also told me not to eat things that upset my stomach like Papa John 's Pizza . That 's not happening . In the future , I 'll continue to decide if what I 'm eating is going to be worth the pain I 'll feel later . Nice , real nice ! So I was commissioned to take some city photos for my first shoot . Here 's the result . Some of my photog friends , begin your critique . I would like very much to improve . Last Saturday night Holly and I were hanging out with some friends of ours named Greg and Lisa . We like them . They are cool . It was during a very heated game of Spades ( which Greg and I dominated ) , that the aforementioned Mr . Harper alluded to the fact that he recently began tracing his family lineage . This has always intrigued me , but I 've never gotten too involved in the necessary actions to actually do a family tree . After we got finished destroying Holly and Lisa , Greg showed me ancestry . com . This was around 10 pm . At 2 : 30 am I had traced my Grandmother 's maiden line back to 1279 in England . 1279 . Unbelievable . That 's like during the time of the Crusades . A contemporary of Genghis Khan ( almost ) . It was before the Black Plague . America had not even been found , and would not be for another 220 years ! I met some of my forerunners . They were an interesting bunch . The Hope family has had it 's share of escaped convicts , aristocracy , and loons . Perhaps the thing that struck me the most while sifting through all of that history was how small I am . One in the midst of multitudes who were before me . The way that different families came together and produced offspring , that most of the time found a wife from a different family , to produce more offspring for generations and generations began to blow my mind . It is a miracle that I 'm even here ! I haven 't been able to get over that feeling of smallness since that time . In the grand scheme of things , I 'm quite insignificant . On the other hand , God is rather big . . . and long lasting . I wonder perchance if this is one of the reasons that lineages are mentioned in Scripture . To remind that generation in Israel that they were no big deal . God has been doing this for a while , and as much as we want to think that the world revolves around us , we are not the end all , or the pinnacle . Just another name in the line . Posted by " Leadership is an action . Not a position . " This was the " fortune " out of my fortune cookie . Dear friends this is not a fortune . It 's a proverb . There 's a difference . I don 't want proverb cookies . I want free , stale tasting , non - sweet fortune cookies . You know , the ones with the lucky numbers on the back , and if your in real high cotton , the ones that teach you a Chinese word . One of the previous fortune cookies I got said , " Please disregard your last fortune cookie . " Seriously ? ! ? ! Friends , it 's time we take a united stand against proverb cookies ! They are shameful imitations of a once treasured treat in many subpar chinese restaurants around this great land . I for one can take no more . Who 's with me ? Saturday we went to the Montgomery zoo , which , by the way beats the pants off of the Birmingham zoo . We were having a lovely time when we passed the monkey exhibit . They were lounging around looking at us as we were looking at them . It was quite awkward . Many of you know how I feel about animals , but monkeys are a step weirder because they are similar to humans . They have hands like us , and a striking resemblance to that distant cousin that lives in Shelby . You know what I 'm talking about . I like the small monkeys . The tiny ones are really cute until they throw their little doo doo balls at you . The big ones are not so nice . How about this one ? He 's a BAD monkey . He exposed himself to all the passersby , some of which were children . Parents covered their kids eyes as they laughed that embarrassed , awkward laugh on their way to see the white tigers , who coincidentally do NOT have opposable thumbs . This was my Easter basket last year . Do you notice anything that you would not typically see in an Easter basket ? How about the Hall 's cough drops ? Perhaps it would be beneficial to mention that I had no cough or medicinal need for them when I got this gift last year . I don 't mean to seem ungrateful , one just never expects to receive cough drops in their Easter basket , unless of course they need it , which I didn 't . I gave my mom such grief over it this year that I anticipated getting some again , but I did not . It almost didn 't even seem like Easter without their cooling , mentholated comfort . This year I got some good candy and the new U2 cd . Two questions : 1 . What did you get for Easter ? 2 . When did your parents stop giving you an Easter basket ? Hey parents , what age do kids normally begin potty training ? Trey is 22 months , and has gone number 2 twice this week in the potty . I 'm not sure if it 's just because of the m & m 's he gets for going in the potty or if he 's ready . Being our first , I 'm not real sure how all of this works . Leave me a comment with some help , and I apologize for all the bathroom stories this week . Perhaps you missed last nights warning , but for some of you who are just now tuning in , tonight 's story is not for the faint of heart , or gut . The tale I am about to divulge has not been altered in any way from the reality of what took place one fateful night . Let me set the stage . Holly and I had enjoyed a nice , quiet dinner at Wings in Patton Creek . The food was fantastic and the atmosphere as always , was quite festive . Holly mentioned that she would enjoy a nice stroll around the local Toyota dealership , and ever the giving person , I politely obliged . Had I known what lay a - brewing I would have promptly ushered her to the car and we would have driven home as speedily as possible . This night , however , I would not be so lucky . Upon arrival at the dealership I felt this familiar gurgle in the deep recesses of my gastrointestinal region . I knew what was going to happen , it was just a matter of time . I told her to go ahead , I wanted to sit in the car because my stomach didn 't feel right . She said , " Do we need to go ? " " URGENTLY " I thought , but " No I 'm ok , you go ahead and look " is all that came out of my mouth . Five minutes passed and the onset began . I put my feet up , I turned on my side , I laid back , but no position provided comfort . I could take no more . I got out of the car , and could see Holly on the other end of the parking lot . Two joyous couples were lazily strolling around hand in hand . They seemed so content and peaceful , until I shouted , " WE NEED TO GO ! " Holly could not have walked back fast enough . As she approached the car , she said , " Are you ok ? " " I tend not to cause a scene in public when I 'm doing ok . Please just drive home , and fast . " As we got on I - 459 the pain really hit . The kind you can 't avoid . My intestines screamed out , " RELEASE OR ELSE ! " Cold sweats . Discomfort . I speedily undid my belt and pants to relieve some pressure , but nothing helped . I cut the A / C on high and every vent in the car was pointed at me with my feet on the dash . " I 'm not going to make it home . " " What do you want me to do ? " Posted by Seriously , just turn away and read no further . I do not know why I post this , but here goes . I have stomach issues . I have had them ever since I had a horrible case of Mono after my freshman year of college . At that time , my body was producing too much bile and I 've had problems with my stomach or gall bladder ever since . If I eat pizza , lettuce , butter , wings , etc . I will hate life about 8 hours later . Until now I 've been able to deal with it , but it is getting out of control . Holly had a friend who just had her gall bladder removed this week . They were discussing the symptoms over Facebook when Holly mistakenly posted this as her status instead of a wall post to her friend : " He has an attack probably once or twice ( sometimes more ) a month . Pizza definitely does him in ! He has cold sweats and lots of pain . It usually happens between 4 to 6 hours after he ate whatever sets it off . " And oh how the comments poured in on this one . Laughter seemed to be a common theme among all those who chimed in . Well laugh it up buddies ! I 'll show you ! Tomorrow night I 'm going to relay one such story of pain and agony due to gastrointestinal failure that will forever change your life . I make no apologies for the dichotomy that exists here at Pertaining to All Things Robertesque . In fact , what did you think " All Things " meant ? Only spiritual ? Only serious ? Oh no , I relate stories about my kids pooping in the tub right next to a discourse on faith . That 's just how I roll , or role . So anyway , I warn you now that if you are weak at the stomach ( like me ) look away tomorrow . I 'm going to unleash a true tale of just one episode when my malfunctioning gall bladder went haywire , and I annihilated a local convenience store wash room . We 'll see who 's laughing then . Hasta mañana . Trey is almost 22 months old , and has already begun the infamous terrible two syndrome . For the most part he 's a pretty awesome little kid , and doesn 't give us too much trouble . There are , however , the few times when he really kicks things into gear to make us truly grateful for his " seasons " of obedience . Trey has a lot of personality , and is extremely smart . Tonight we learned that he knows how to cover up things that he has done wrong . Holly and I were getting ready for a meeting tonight while Trey and Claire Kate entertained themselves in the bedroom . The Wild Man was tickling Sister when I wandered into the closet . After a minute or two , I could hear Holly in her " I 'm trying to be stern and not laugh where Trey can see me " voice . I asked what happened and Holly relayed that Trey had used his baby sister and a pillow as a ladder to climb up higher on the bed . When his feet became firmly planted in her stomach and chest , she began to cry . Trey was unfazed by her tears until he heard mom 's footsteps coming to check on them . At this point he quickly jumped off of her and stuck her pacifier in her mouth to cover up the fact that he did it . Yeah , this should be fun in the years to come . He 's not even 2 yet ! Holly , my wife has CRAZY dreams if she eats pickles . Tonight at dinner , she had one . Tomorrow morning should make for some good stories . Leave a comment sharing an oddity of your significant other . . . Most people know that I have a pretty weak stomach . I always thought that I would be better when I had kids , but not much has changed . My gag reflex is pretty immediate upon something that looks or smells pretty gross . Kids tend to manufacture these smells and displays of grossness on a daily basis . Anyway , tonight after church Holly and I took the kids to a carnival at the church where Holly grew up . When I got there I was starving , so it didn 't take me long to find the food line for some delicious BBQ . I had a pork plate with some delicious slaw and baked beans . The sweet tea was awesome and I even scored a bag of Fritos . I was doing alright ! Trey got a bag of Doritos ( possibly his favorite chip ) and began to chow down while sitting in my lap . He loves chips , but often tries to swallow them before they have been properly chewed . Tonight was no exception . As he was sitting in my lap , he became choked on a chip that he inhaled . I had the last bite of my sandwich in my right hand , and had my left hand around Trey holding him , when his choke turned to a gag . Then it happened . He , um , purged . Out of instinct I caught it in my left hand . All of his dinner and chips lay in an orange liquid in my hand . Insert my gag sound here . I poured out my hand onto my plate , speedily handed Trey to Holly , and ran into the kitchen to wash my hand . I did not puke ! I suppose that being a father really has helped my guttural weakness after all ! I know there are many naysayers out there who HATE the time change , but I 'm a fan . I like during the Summer when it doesn 't get good and dark until 8 pm . I 'm not a morning person , so I don 't really care what time the sun rises . I also like the time change because we use less energy in our house , and thus lower electrical bills . More daylight = less lights . Do you have a time preference ? Tonight was one of those nights where I was gonna be a great husband . I let Holly go to Walmart by herself , which I have found earns me MAJOR brownie points . While she was grocery shopping I was gonna surprise her by having the babies bathed and ready for bed with a load of clothes already in the washer and the trash out to the street by the time she got home . I came in and everything was right on schedule . I put Trey and Claire Kate in the tub , and they were clean . I ran to their room and got Trey 's pajamas and diaper , then ran back to check on them ( at which time I had to tell Trey to quit pouring water on sister 's face ) . Then , I ran back to their room to get all of the same stuff for Baby Girl . As I re - entered the bathroom , Trey said , " Uh oh Daddy doo doo ! " I looked and there by the drain of the tub was a man sized stinky . Claire Kate , not to be outdone had managed to work up a little carrot colored doo doo of her own . Hers however was piled up on her bath hammock . This , by the way , is the first time they have ever both pooped in the tub at the same time . I paused . What do you do first in this situation ? In all my years of schooling and growing up , this had never been addressed . Now I faced two babies under two in a steaming pool of their own feces . I did what any man would do in this grave situation . I walked out of the bathroom . I closed the door . I walked over to the cellphone and frantically searched for Holly 's number . " Where are you ? " " In the check out line . " " Crap ! " I thought as I hung up . " I will have to face this on my own ! " So I got Trey out and laid him on his towel . I grabbed the wet wipes and speedily cleaned the hanger on from out of his behind and put his diaper on him . I instructed him , " Trey , listen to Daddy . Stand right here . Daddy has to clean Sister up and you don 't have your pajamas on . " He looked at me with a smile and a quick chuckle as he said , " Sisty doo doo . " I got CK out and cleaned up . She had cakes of baby lotion on her as I slathered her into her pajamas . Trey was then given the saPosted by Trey sang his first song today . I guess to clarify , it was the first song that he 's sung with words we could understand . He sings all the time , but we have no clue what he is singing . Trey also is in a big stage of association . For example , my brother Adam has a dog named Max . Every day , about 6 times a day , Trey goes through a roll of everyone he knows , and wants to know where they are . It was very cute the first 10 , 000 times he did it . Whenever he mentions " Uncle Adii " he quickly follows with asking about Max . Yesterday , he began associating Uncle Jo Jo with sleep , and he calls my dad Bobbo ( Imagine Bob with a long o sound ) . All that being explained , his song today went something like this : Bobboooooooo BobboooooAdiiiiiiiiiiJo Jo Night nightMaxIt was a pretty funny , yet beautiful first song . Like father like son I suppose . I would be a major jerk if I didn 't show you these guys . I hope you 've seen them before , but if you haven 't , you 're about to find out all you might have missed out on . Enjoy ! ! Tonight , Claire Kate was a little fussy when she was getting her night snack . Holly scolded her for her unfavorable disposition , and she stared at Holly . . . and stared . For about 5 minutes she stared . I tried talking to her , but she wouldn 't break her glare . It was hilarious . Primarily because , not only is she the spitting image of her mother , but she acts just like her ! That is similar to a story I heard Holly 's mom tell before . When Holly was small she had to get a shot . When the nurse injected the needle , Holly didn 't cry . She just stared at the nurse with a mean look on her face , the same look her daughter gave her tonight . It makes me happy in my heart ! Yeah , I haven 't had a chance to tell you all about this , but two weeks ago today I shot a deer . She was beautiful ! Her name was Betsy , and she was 112 lbs . Actually , I named her Betsy . In all likely hood , she didn 't have a name , or if she did it would be some kind of deer name , and thus unintelligible to humans like you and I . I shot her right at dark , and tracked her for an hour and a half Friday night . I couldn 't find her that night , and it made me sick to my stomach . Luckily it was the night that the temp went down into the teens . The next morning I got up and tracked her for another 3 1 / 2 hours until I found her . She was about 400 yards from where I shot her , and when we got back from Dallas , we picked her up . She graciously provided us with a lot of delicious meat . If you would like to taste Betsy , give me a call and you can come over for dinner one night . Here 's me dragging her out of the woods . I got caught on the game camera . Posted by There 's a craze sweeping facebook to list 25 random facts about yourself . My wife never does any kind of survey , but last night , I looked over and she was working on her list . So , I figured why not . Here goes : 1 . I 've always wanted to get my ears pierced . 2 . I would like to get a tattoo . 3 . I hate the sound of my singing voice . 4 . In 2010 I will likely begin leading mission trips into the Middle East . 5 . If I sit in a massage chair for about 15 minutes , I laugh uncontrollably when it 's turned off . I don 't know why , but I can 't stop . 6 . I will only eat Mayo on Saltine crackers . 7 . I enjoy going different places , but I HATE to travel . I wish I could just materialize somewhere . 8 . I believe mice are a plague from God . 9 . Cats are only 1 step above mice , because they eat said mice . Other than that , I hate them . 10 . I was in the Air Force for a year . 11 . As a child , I was a K - Mart runway model . Just call me Blue Steel . 12 . If I was wealthy , half of my net worth would be in guitars , pedals , amps , and guitar accessories . 13 . I 've never seen a single Star Wars movie . 14 . I was diagnosed with lymphoma when I was 19 . 15 . I typically find something I like at every restaurant , and order it every time I go . 16 . One time at Tannehill State Park I drove / rode a bike into a creek , by accident . I was fully clothed . It was funny to everyone but me . 17 . Holly told me I was weird about twice a day for the first year of our marriage . It has since decreased to once a day . 18 . I am a deep thinker . 19 . Animals freak me out . I don 't like being around animals . All I can tolerate is a tame , friendly dog . 20 . I really enjoy hunting small game . 21 . I think global warming is a joke , but I do believe we should conserve stuff . 22 . I love awkward situations . 23 . I feel more comfortable on stage than in the crowd . 24 . When I was 2 I quoted Psalm 23 at a revival where my dad was preaching . 25 . I could watch Discovery Channel 24 hours a day . I have been such a lame blogger for about two weeks now . In my defense I didn 't have internet access in my hotel during my time in Dallas . With everything going on , I probably would not have had time to write even if I had . I have been on information overload for the past week at the conference , and I 'm trying even now to recover from all I 've learned and experienced . We drive back tomorrow . Perhaps it will give me a chance to write some tomorrow , so that I can share some key points with you guys . It is as if I 've been trying to drink from a wide open fire hydrant . What an amazing time and opportunity God has given me to serve with this ministry . I 'm constantly amazed and blessed . More thoughts tomorrow ! See you then ! Let me start off by saying that I completely understand the excitement over Barak Obama as President . I hope he does an incredible job leading our country and he 's been in my prayers since election night . I thought his inaugural speech was the best I 've heard in a long , long time . I was moved to tears at times , and inspired . But over and over again today I heard about this being the fulfillment of MLK 's dream . I don 't disagree that it is a major step that our nation should be proud of , but I think Dr . King would be pressing forward to see a day where having an African American man becoming the President wouldn 't be a big deal , but so commonplace that his race is overlooked . I feel that we 're still a nation focused on race , by everyone , and that , my friends was NOT the dream of Martin Luther King , Jr . Until we as an entire nation are capable of objectively judging a man on the content of his character , and not solely on the basis of his color alone , the dream remains just that , a goal yet to be attained . What are your thoughts ? I don 't really even know how to tag this post . It has been such a busy weekend , I really need to regroup and post a few things . I 'll do that tomorrow ! Stay tuned for an updated Barnicles of Beardia , a deer story , and a medical rant . Until then , sweet dreams ! 1 . Being outdoors - Here 's the thing . Even on the days when you don 't see anything , you 're still outside , enjoying nature . This was my view this morning . Twas very nice , even if it was 15 degrees ! 2 . A different perspective - Life looks different from 20 feet up in a tree . The world around becomes smaller and there is an altered viewpoint . 3 . I like to eat - We don 't hunt anything that we don 't eat . So , deer , dove , and squirrel end up on the table . If you eat meat at my house , it 's venison . I 'll have to share about my hunt this afternoon tomorrow or the next day . Stay tuned ! ! It started just like any other night . Between 10 and 12 every night we go into the bathroom as a family and either Holly or I get in the tub with the babies . The other helps out by bathing Trey while Claire Kate soaks . It 's a great method . Tonight I agreed to get in the tub . Holly had just finished bathing Trey and was getting him lathered up with lotion , dressed , and ready for bed . I was holding up my end of the bargain by washing Claire Kate . I pulled my feet up to sit her elevated on my lap as I put the shampoo on her scalp . I got the soap and began the process of scrubbing her down . That 's when it happened . . . She sharted ! On me ! One of the things I 've learned about Holly during our time together is her ability to see potential . Whether this be in an article of clothing , a piece of furniture , or a person , she can visualize what can be . It 's a pretty awesome treat to watch her work , and I 'm often inspired by her creativity . Here are a few examples of things she found , or bought that were broken or ugly , and she made this happen to them . I don 't have before pics , but she did EVERYTHING on these pieces of furniture . These are all parts of Baby Girls room . I feel blessed to be with such an awesome chick ! PS - She will custom make some furniture for you , if you pay ! ! This year is sure to be full of change for our family . When 2009 becomes 2010 I know our lives will look a lot different than they do now . I will be on staff with e3 Partners ( assuming all of my support comes in ) , and probably not on staff a church . I guess that 's all I know will be different at this point , but changing careers is a pretty big deal . . . at least to me . Here are a few other things I hope will be different : I hope to be a better follower of Christ . This road we walk is either forward or backward . There 's really never a standing still . Often I find myself becoming a " less gooder version of man that I don 't want to be " - James Morrison . I hope to learn how to have greater faith , character , and passion . With these , I also pray that my pride , selfishness , and fear would diminish . I hope my Spanish will be better . I 've been learning through a computer program called Rosetta Stone , which by the way is the bee 's knees . I also make leap year jumps every time I visit Central and South America , and considering I will likely make 4 trips there in 2009 , I should be good on this one ! I hope to be a better leader . My plan for seeing this come to fruition is to read more than I watch tv , listen more than talk , and mingle with great leaders . In addition , I would like to practice the things I read with the teams I will lead on trips . Honorable mentions : This is likely a wild hair so to speak , but I 'd like to learn how to fly a plane . I want to acquire some snakeskin boots . I hope to kill several deer . Last , but never least , shedding 20 or so pounds wouldn 't hurt . I 'll check back in on these to see how I did ! |
Our family had an incredibly blessed holiday . Turner was showered with gifts and love and it was a memorable second Christmas for sure . But it was his second Christmas . And our home is officially overloaded with toys . I am incredibly thankful for all of our friends and family who wanted to spoil Turner . Admittedly , Andrew and I also went on a Toys R ' Us shopping spree for the little guy . But as I try to get my life and my house back into order , I don 't know what to do with everything . 1 ) I am incredibly sentimental , so I tend to hold on to things . I have his " first " toys that his cousin , aunt , grandma , uncle , great grandma , neighbor , and anyone else has given him . I am real big on " firsts . " Then I have kept his " favorite " toys . So if he loved it for more than a day when he was 2 months old , I probably have stored it somewhere and refuse to get rid of it . Then there is the fact , that Turner legitimately still plays with most of the things he got last Christmas and at anything since . So although he got bigger and better toys this year , I don 't want to do away with the ones that still get great use , even if they are a bit older . So here is where I need advice . Turner 's 2nd birthday is in May . While we want to celebrate our pride and joy with family and friends , we can 't take much more clutter at home . At Turner 's first birthday , we were already anticipating this happening , so we asked our guests to not bring a toy for Turner , but instead make a donation to a charity . And while we plan to continue to teach Turner this value on his birthday , that effort didn 't really work out last year . Some people brought toys for Turner and a donation , some just brought toys for Turner . And don 't get me wrong , we appreciate it beyond words . We value and love everything our friends and family have done for Turner . I don 't want this to come off as ungrateful , especially to all you wonderful family members who take time out of your day to read my blog . I have no problem picking on my mom . For one , she doesn 't read my blog , and two , this is something I am not afraid to say directly to her , and have for that matter . My mom donated to the charity last year for Turner 's birthday . Then got him the traditional big yellow and red car . That car will be used for a solid 3 more years , and Turner loves it . In fact , I am fairly certain it is in our living room right now . But you see what I mean ? My own mother wouldn 't listen to the no gift rule . She said , " I am getting my grand baby something for his birthday . " She is one stubborn lady . So Andrew and I were talking last night , and we suggested maybe asking for a no toy , charity thing again this year . Although it wasn 't completely effective on the gift end , our family did support the charity . And it did cut down on some gifts . But then , those who listened and didn 't bring a gift , felt awkward and out of place by those who did . Another option we discussed was not having a party at all . Turner is only 2 , so while we can get him a cake and just our little family celebrate , I think that would be sufficient . But I can hear my mother 's voice in my head . She would be furious that I was depriving her of the chance to celebrate Turner . So then we could have a small party with just family … but the only problem is , we have a rather large family . And that isn 't really a problem . We are blessed to have so many people who love us and care for Turner . Turner is very fortunate and one rich little boy in that aspect . But he is only 2 . Do we need to rent a building and make it a production ? It is 6 months out and I am already stressed about it . Oh , and if you think I am crazy for worrying about a party that is 6 months from now , you must understand that in our very small town , spaces to have birthday parties are very limited , and are usually already booked by the first week of the new year , so I have to get moving . The third option we disused was asking people to donate to Turner 's college fund . At least for another year or two until Turner could really ask for gifts . Turner has his own bank account and realistically probably already has more money than I do . We want him to have a college fund so when he graduates high school , if he wants to go to college , it will already be paid for . So we started saving the very day we found out we were pregnant with him . And it isn 't just spare change , it gets routinely contributed to . So we thought , we could get a huge piggy bank and have it has a centerpiece at the party and write , " 16 years until college " on it . ( Can we please talk about how I will only have 16 years with my baby before he abandons me ? Talk about depressing ! ) We got Turner a motorcycle . Although he loves it … what 19 month old needs a motorcycle ? He doesn 't even weigh enough to make it move . Well , this weekend , I got to experience that . It actually hit me … that I am that stereotypical parent . That all of those cartoons were actually a " thing " and were real life . Early last week I got a small bag of potato chips at the store . I love potato chips . I would eat them for breakfast , lunch , and dinner , if at all possible . But since a recent doctor 's visit revealed that I was clinical obese , oh yes , obese , I no longer get to enjoy my guilty pleasure . After a two month hiatus from the gym due to lack of time , and after begin told that I was obese ( I blame it on how short I am ) , I have returned to the gym , restricted my already twig and berries diet , and am trying my hardest to be a better me . So when I bought this bag of chips at the gas station , it was an indulgence . It was a treat . I didn 't open them right away . Even though I wanted them that very minute , just making the purchase calmed my cravings for the time being . I tucked the chips away in the back of the cabinet . A special treat for myself for a later day . Well , that later day hit me this weekend . I decided to volunteer to have a sleepover at my house with my niece Madison , as well as having Turner . I never mind it . Those two play so well together , and despite the clutter of constant toys and books littering the living room , and an occasional slap for one of them not sharing , it isn 't a tough job . But in the middle of watching those two , it hit me . The uncontrollable urge , the sensation , the burning desire to devour that bag of chips to the very last crumb . But what was I supposed to do ? There was no way I could have enjoyed even a single chip without that two scavengers clawing out my eyes to get a taste . I just was not going to let that happen . I could taste the succulence of those cheddar and sour cream slices of heaven , and I was not about to share with anyone . With my eyes glued to the kitchen cabinet protecting my treasure , I debated every possible tactic I could take to get a moment alone . My efforts were hopeless . No matter what scenario I came up with , I just could not see it ending well . And despite being able to literally smell the goodness from the air tight container protecting the nectar of the gods , I left the chips high up in the cabinet . This is what my life has come to . A hungry mother so stingy and stubborn that I would rather not get even a little taste of my addiction than have to share an ounce with my son and niece . But hey , that is motherhood right ? October 31 , 2014 | adventuringintomotherhood Last night we took Tuner to our county 's annual Halloween in the Park . About 40 businesses , organizations , and churches set up tables around the rec park on a trail where kids can get candy . It is a pretty neat event and is a great one - stop - shop for trick or treating . Turner is only 17 - months old , so Halloween for us is less about candy and more about making him look adorable in a costume . Our plan for last night was actually to collect a little extra candy to give out to the trick or treaters that we will get at our house tonight . ( Side note , this is the first time I have ever lived anywhere that will have trick or treaters and I am so excited . We have literally spend hundreds of dollars on candy and have the house fully decorated . ) In a sea of Elsa and superhero costume , comes a teenage boy . His acne covered face and squeaky voice let me know he couldn 't be more than 15 . You are never going to believe what he was dressed as … a SPERM ! I kid you not . Andrew and the others I was with last night didn 't believe me , but I had seen the costume before … after all , I spent plenty of time in college . A teenage boy , dressed as sperm at a family , county sponsored function , walking around getting free candy from places , several of which were churches . When I first spotted him , he was alone . He proudly swayed past friends in the line to enter the park , who despite being his peers , were oblivious to his costume and as he walked off all tried to figure out what he was . My first thought was , maybe his parents don 't know what he is , but if they do , they ought to be ashamed of themselves . A couple of minutes later , as the trick or treating line looped around the park , I spotted him again . This time , realizing that not only was his parents aware of his costume , there were trick or treating with him and wait I assume to be his two younger siblings . How were they not horrified ? In an event where the average age should be 10 , here is a teenage boy , with parental support , rummaging around dressed as a sperm . My mind was completely blown . If you are at an age , to where you dress like a sperm , you are far too old to be trick or treating . He wasn 't alone in the " too old to be trick or treating " category . As Andrew and I circled the park with Turner and my 2 1 / 2 year old niece , we were passed in line by grown adults . Some in costume , some not , all seeking free candy . I don 't get it . I at least don 't mind the candy for adult who dress us , but to be in your late adult years , in everyday clothes , walking around with your adult friends , with a bag , sometimes more than one , asking for candy … what is wrong with these people ? September 11 , 2014 | adventuringintomotherhood Days like today I am especially thankful for being blessed with Turner . When I dropped him off at daycare , he clung to my neck . When I put him down , he turned around and grabbed my legs and tried to climb back up into my arms . I hate leaving him . It breaks my heart . But I am so extremely grateful because I know that today at 5 p . m . , I will be able to go get him and everything will be perfect and sweet . 13 years ago I was sitting in my eight grade classroom . We were watching the daily kids news show that always came on the old , oversized Tvs that were fixed into the walls . The news , that usually covered healthy lunch topics and newest locker trends , cut to a serious report . A real news report . A plan had crashed into the World Trade Center . The United States was under attack . I didn 't even know what that meant . While watching the TV , totally confused as to what I was being told , I watched as a second plane crashed into the towers . Was this real ? What was happening ? My best friend was in tears . Her grandfather worked in those towers in New York . Although we were in North Carolina , that attack hit home quickly . A teacher threw open our classroom door and called out to Shannon . She got up from her desk and left . It wasn 't until later that we found out that her grandfather had retired just days before the attack , and although his family feared he was in the towers retrieving his belongs when the planes struck , he was actually home safe . He was one of the lucky ones . So many others were not . I wasn 't even a teenager . My small , innocent world didn 't even know what the word terrorist meant . I had no clue was was unraveling around me . It wasn 't long before my mother came to get my sisters and I from school . I didn 't understand that either . I had a volleyball game that night and I was starting , I couldn 't miss it . My mother assured me the game would be cancelled , even though I didn 't believe her . That seemed crazy . We went straight to church . People were crying . They were praying . They were grasping onto each other as if it was the end of the world . And what I didn 't understand then , but completely realize now , is that it very well could have been . Our nation was under attack . We were living through something that was unheard of for our generation . American soil was supposed to be safe and secure , how could this happen ? It was devastating . It was confusing . It was real . The days following we were glued to the television hoping for answers . Hoping for a promise of safety and reason not to worry . While our troops were rallying and preparing for a fight that is still continuing today , my family joined families all across America clinging to each other and hoping for solitude . So on days like today , when I now have a family of my own . When I have a real being birthed from my own breath , I now know more than ever , and believe deeper and feel greater than I ever thought I could 13 years ago . My father and mother 's frantic , even manic reaction makes complete sense . They feared for their children before they feared for anything else . Their only thought was to hold us close . To physically guard us with their own lives . Looking back , if I were in their shoes , I would have done the same . So today , when I get to go to Turner and pick up him , I will cling tight to him . Not because of a fear that I might lose him , but because I am thankful that for today , I have no reason to worry . He is safe . We are safe . This nation , although troubled , lost , and uncertain , is safe today . Now , as a parent , I continue to learn from that day . It takes on a whole new meaning and gives me an entirely new purpose . A purpose for my life as it relates to Turner . September 5 , 2014 | adventuringintomotherhood We have been in the new house for a little over a week and Turner has yet to sleep through the night . I am barely functioning . His schedule is every way but right , going to bed a different times , waking up hella early , and let 's not forget his constant middle of the night party sessions . Turner 's new room It used to be simple . He would wake up in the middle of the night , in a sleeping stupor I would go to his room , get him , bring him to bed and he and I would quickly fall back to sleep . All was right with the world . Well , has decided that that is no longer good enough . I can no longer just go get him and bring him to bed before slipping back off into dream land . It doesn 't work anymore . He tosses and turns and cries . My poor boy just cries all night . At first I thought it was teething , after all , he was cutting three teeth at the same time . But they are all grown and where they need to be , so that is out the window . Then I thought it was just the new house , and that it would take some time to get used to . Well it has been one week and two days and last night was one of the most challenging yet . Then I thought it could be an ear infection . We took him to the doctor Wednesday and the doc said that his ears looked like there may have been something , but it was better . So cross that one off the table . Then I thought it was itching because he got ate up with bug bites playing in the new backyard with the family on Labor Day , but I lather him up with itch cream and give him the doctor ordered Benadryl before bed … something that is supposed to make him sleepy anyway ! But I got nothing . No sleep relief . Playing in the new yard Even when I put him down around 9 , which has been about the time he has gone to bed pretty much his hole 15 months and 5 days of life , by 11 he is crying and awake . I don 't know if it is the move , growing pains , nightmares , or anything else I can possible guess , but whatever it is , I need it to stop . Andrew starts traveling for work again soon so I go into single parent mode and I am just telling you right now , I don 't know if I can manage . If Turner 's nighttime discomfort is related to the new house , I don 't blame him . I have had some frustrations associated with the move too . Like for instance , it never crossed my mind how difficult it would be to just function in a new house . All of our kitchen appliances and washer and dryer are new and different and fancy . The house didn 't come with an instructional manuel . So I don 't even know how to put detergent into my new washer because it is not like I went to washer school . As far as starting the dishwasher … Turner probably has better luck . There are so many buttons and settings and then how do you start it ? No one ever mentioned that when going down this road . Turner helping get the new house organized Oh and the worst thing so far , is what happened when we went to cook the other night . Andrew had a big nice deal planned , he was going to cook for me , it was going to be sweet and exciting . He went to turn the stove on to boil the water … and bam , nothing . We have a gas stove , and we knew that when buying the house . But what we never thought to ask , and the sellers never mentioned , is that the gas tank for the house was BONE dry . And the process to get it checked and filled and ready is not a quick and easy one . It is hard enough to figure out how the faucets work and which light switches turn on what and how to wiggle the key just right to get the front door open , but al this other stuff … its been tough ! August 28 , 2014 | adventuringintomotherhood Last night was our very first night in our brand new home ! Yes , married and closed on our house all in the same week ! It has been awesome . We are so in love with it . It just feels like home . It is beautiful . It is ours . Moving has been awesome ( can you feel my sarcasm ? ) . We hired a moving truck for all the big stuff , which was a great help . We have four days to move , and get our old house in move - in ready condition . And neither of us can take of work , so we are doing it in the evenings , while chasing Turner . It has been … . an experience . But when it is all said and done … it will all be worth it . Turner 's first night in the new house was not so fun . No one ever warned me about that . Just another example of how everyone has opinions for you on how to do things you already know , but the tough stuff they stay quiet on ! At first Turner explored with pure joy and excitement . He would peak around every corner , run from room to room , and just look so amazed . But then , he started to recognize stuff . Like the couch , or his toy box , and he genuinely looked confused . He didn 't understand why these things were there and not at his house . The later it got , the worse he got . He was visibly upset . He just wanted to be held . He just wanted to go home . So of course he didn 't sleep . Although we put him to bed in his crib , it lasted a couple of hours before he was screaming bloody murder for us . He was understandably scared and confused . So we brought him to bed with us . It is the best feeling in the world , however , it is bittersweet . As sad as it makes me when Turner is crying in his crib , there is no better feeling than when the absolute second I touch him , he stops . He hugs on to me and instantly he is ok . There is no better feeling in the world . So we put him in bed with us . I never mind when he sleeps with us , even though I know it means zero sleep for me . Turner is the WORST bed hog ever . He sleeps every which way but right , but it doesn 't matter . I like it ( in moderation ) Uncategorized being a momfamilyhouselovemotherhoodmovingnew house 8 So we drove 6 hours to Cincinnati , Ohio where we were married on the baseball field before the Atlanta Braves Vs . Red baseball game . If you know anything about us , you know we are huge Braves fans . So this was perfect . After a lot of thinking , we decided to elope . Several different factors played into our decision . 1 ) As a lot of you know , my dad died of liver cancer a year and a half ago . So the thought of having a actual wedding without him was heartbreaking . I just didn 't want to do it without him . Although I have an incredible brother - in - law in , Will , that would happily walk me down the aisle , and I would be lucky to have him do it , it isn 't my dad . So I didn 't want a situation where I would have to walk down an aisle . It just didn 't feel right . After the ceremony , when we got back to the hotel room , the necklace of my dad 's ashes broke as I was taking my hair down . To me that couldn 't be more symbolic , and a special sign from my dad . That it was time I could let go of my dad , because the next most important man in my life was finally in his right place as my husband . It reminded me of when my dad was on his death bed , he turned to Andrew and asked Andrew to take care of me . Andrew promised my dad he always would . And last Friday , he made that promise official . 2 ) We have very limited free weeks / weekends throughout the rest of the year , and we wanted to get married this year . Andrew travels for work , and from the third week in September all the way into the holidays , he is constantly gone . So we had little time to work with before the rush of the holiday season . 3 ) Every date we threw out , someone had some prior obligation . We had originally planned for an October wedding . We started throwing around dates to family and friends … and everyone was booked up . So we knew that just wasn 't going to work . 4 ) We are set to close on our new house on Tuesday . That means , we are going to put a substantial amount of money down on the house , and spend even more on all the costs associated with it . So we didn 't see the need to spend extra money on a wedding . Andrew and I aren 't really into the big ceremonial aspect of it anyway , and think it is kind of a waste . It just was not what we wanted . 5 ) We felt like it . Andrew and I love each other . We want to spend our lives together and didn 't really need to go through any big ceremony to prove that or announce it to the world . And a private ceremony on a baseball field before the game was just fitting for us . Our first date was at a Braves game . We named our son Turner . Our Christmas photos were taken on the field . We celebrate every birthday / anniversary with the Braves . A wedding with them was just the perfect match . So wedding details . It was perfect . It was relaxed . It was stress free . It was special . It was just me and Andrew . We left Turner at home with my mom and sister . We got to go to a suite at the ballpark before the ceremony . Enjoyed a glass of wine , toured the park , and just talked . It was special for us . The fact that we were the only Braves fans in a sea of Reds fans ( 19 couples in all were wed or renewed their vows ) was even more special . We were definitely a topic of conversation for everyone . Before going on the field , we got to see several people associated with the Braves . Brian Jordan , who played for the BraveAs we were walking off the field , the Atlanta Braves third base coach Doug Dascenzo handed us a baseball that Fredi had signed and dated . It was totally unexpected and priceless . Shortly after the ceremony I got a tweet from Jenn Hildreth that said to come to the dugout after the game that she had a gift from us . It turns out , the Atlanta Braves told her to get in touch with us because they wanted to give us another wedding gift . They gave us the singed official line up cards from the game . The ballgame that the Braves ended up winning ! Plus , Jenn talked about Andrew and I on TV during her coverage of the game and included a clip of the wedding . How incredible is that ? How many other people can say their wedding was on TV ? It was perfect . It may not be everyone 's ideal story , but it is our story . And we love it . We do plan to have a reception with family and friends in a couple of weeks . We want to celebrate with them too ! All in all , it was incredible , and the most important aspect of it , we promised each other forever . And that is one promise I intend to keep . And to those asking us what they can get us or if we are registered anywhere , we do not need anything . But if you would like to make a donation in our honor to help get this remarkable woman 's book published , we would greatly appreciate it ! Uncategorized Atlant Bravesbeing a momfamilyI do 's on the Diamondlovemarriagemotherhoodwedding Search |
* Friendly cautionary statement * This is where I lose all filters and just lay it out as it went . So if you are uncomfortable with words like mucus , discharge , or blood , this may not be the post for you . I promise there will be continued Vrlyfry Day posts you can read and see all the precious pics of our new addition . Okay , you have been warned . So remember how I was 1 cm dilated at my appointment on Thursday and I was all kinds of bummed about it ? Well , Thursday night to Friday morning I woke up multiple times to use the restroom . This wasn 't out of the ordinary , but what was out of the ordinary was the difficulty I was having not peeing on myself . I ended up changing my underwear a couple of times and by morning I was noticing streaks of bloody discharge . Since I had just been checked the previous day , I thought it could just be due to my sensitive nether parts being agitated . But , since I still seemed to be having bladder control issues , I decided to wear a pad to work and brought a towel just in case . When I got to work I messaged my sister about all the weird happenings to get her opinion . She recommended I call the doc just to be sure I shouldn 't come in . So I called and left a message . I went home for lunch around 11 : 30 and once again had to change my underwear . I really thought it was strange , but it was such an inconsistent " trickle " and only seemed to happen when I was changing positions so I figured it was just baby pushing on my bladder . The nurse called back and after describing everything to her , she pretty much just said . . . well , it sounds like it 's just urine , but it could also be your water , or just urine . Okay good luck figuring all that out . Ugh . I threw my hospital bag in the car before leaving from lunch , just in case . Around about 12 : 30 I started to feel little contractions , and not braxton hicks type contractions , but real ones . They were coming about 10 minutes apart and were very consistent . I let a twinge of excitement shoot through me . Could this be it ? Surely not . I showed no signs of progress yesterday . By about 2 : 30 the contractions tapered off and eventually stopped . Excitement gone , it 's not happening today . Besides , we had a busy night ahead and I needed to figure out how I was going to coordinate everything I needed to get done . First thing was to get Zilla from school and then we needed to stop by a CVS to get a birthday card and print some pictures for my grandpa 's birthday . Then we were going to head to Addison for dinner with the family . About half way to the CVS , the contractions started again , and this time they seemed a little stronger . Since I was driving I wasn 't really able to time them on my phone so I tried to just keep my mind on the tasks at hand . Our CVS trip turned into a mini meltdown session because mean mommy was not going to let Zilla have the lollipop he wanted . We got lots of stares , but gosh darn it , I was going to stand my ground on this one . No . Lollipop . Gosh these contractions sure do seem to be coming closer together . A couple of people commented on me being so pregnant and asked when I was due . And for the first time ever , when I answered " any minute " I wasn 't kidding . But no time for labor when there 's a dinner to get to . So we stayed the course . But by this point things really were seeming like I might be in labor . Just to be safe I called my mom , who would be staying with Zilla when we went to the hospital . Next , I texted Hubskie to let him know we might be making a trip to the hospital tonight . Finally , I called my brother to ask him to take Zilla home for us , should we need to dine and dash . Things were in place , just in case . When we got to the restaurant , the talk quickly turned to " oh you look like you could have this baby any second " to which I replied " yes , you are right " and they all laughed and then I said " no really , I think I 'm having contractions , we may be leaving dinner early . " This put everyone a little on the edge of their seats , all eyes on me . When Hubskie arrived he was in denial that I was in labor . Hmmm this sure does sound familiar . He told me to start timing contractions and what do you know they were about 4 minutes apart and 30 seconds long . He continued in his denial . After eating the appetizer , I told Hubskie I did not think that we were going to get to eat our entree and we needed to start thinking about leaving . To which he replied " Seriously ? I just really wanted to eat my shrimp and grits . " To which my face replied . . . . . So , he asked the waiter to get our things to go , as it seemed his wife was in labor . The waiter got a kick out of this and quickly rushed off to get our food together for us . We let the family know that we were going to be leaving and then the hardest part of the night happened . Harder than any point in labor , because this one involved my little heart . We told Zilla it was time for mommy and daddy to go to the hospital because Panini was coming . He immediately started crying . I know it was only because he didn 't want mommy and daddy to leave in general , but it just felt like I was abandoning him . Leaving him to go change his life forever , and he had no say in the matter . There were tears and mommy had a hard time leaving him . I knew all along this would be difficult and I had really hoped I would go into labor in the middle of the night so that the goodbye wouldn 't be so difficult . But then again , maybe this was best since he was with his Uncle B , whom he loves so much , and we had the chance to say goodbye and tell him what was going on . We snapped our picture and went on our way . Just like last time , the contractions seemed worse in the car , but Hubskie was a pro at navigating the rainy Dallas streets and got us to the hospital in no time . This was it . By this point , I was sure of it . Our registration experience was much better this time around . The woman at the front desk was so kind and also speedy . She didn 't stop to have a personal life conversation with the nurse and did a great job keeping me cheery while completing all of the paperwork . We went back with the charge nurse and she asked me to get into my gown . But first I had to take my final pregnancy pic ! Also , look at my poor sausage feet getting squeezed into my shoes . Time to be checked : 3 - 4 cm ! Water had broke ! No turning back now . I heard the nurses start to discuss the on call doctor and I started to panic a little . I was going to need Dr B to deliver this baby . Thankfully , after pulling up my chart , I heard them mention a note about contacting him for delivery . Another nurse commented that he delivers for most of his patients no matter the day or time . My doc = amazing ! I was instantly relieved . The nurse hooked me up to the monitors and we let them know we would like to go through labor without medication oh and by the way our last labor was fast . We waited in triage for a bit and during this time I took it upon myself to change up my positioning as the back lying position was not doing it for me . In the course of doing this I seemed to jostle my monitors loose and the charge nurse came back in and asked me to stay lying back as long as possible and then sit up if necessary because the hospital will wonder why they weren 't responding to the loss of fetal heartbeat . Which I understood , but at the same time , my focus was on helping this labor progress and lying back was working against me rather than for me . So I sat up and was careful to keep the monitors in place . During this time Hubskie also learned how to read the contraction monitor and started reading out the numbers to me . I know he was trying to be helpful but I asked him not to tell me what the numbers were on the screen because I didn 't really want to know . I didn 't have a problem with him looking at them , just didn 't want to know myself . I was focusing on listening to my body , rather than hyping myself up as the numbers climbed . Soon , we were moved back to the labor and delivery room and we met our nurse , Kristi . I told Hubskie to go ahead and get his dinner from the car , since I didn 't know how long we would be and I was still feeling relatively good , so now would be a good time to take advantage of that and have himself a nice meal . I wasn 't feeling hungry , so it really didn 't bother me to have him eating and I wanted him to feel nourished for the excitement that was ahead of us . Kristi was a great nurse . In our last visit to L & D they told me I did not have the option to have a hep lock and made me stay lying on my back the whole time . I wasn 't thrilled with this and was a little more adament about me wishes this time around . But she was happy to comply . They got the hep lock in and she provided me with a birthing ball . She said that since I was probably wanting to be able to move around she would only monitor the heartbeat and my contractions once an hour for 15 minutes . This sounded like a good compromise to me . She asked me to let her know when I started to feel more pressure down low so that she could check me again . She wanted to be able to call Dr . B to come in when I was about 7 cm . Then she left Hubskie and I to ourselves . Hubskie was really a rock star during this L & D and I was so glad to have the alone time with him . He helped support me on the birthing ball during contractions and when he noticed my shoulders tensing during contractions he gently tapped them to remind me to allow my body to work rather than fight the pain . He put on Matt Maher for me to listen to and occasionally we wold sing a little Raffi to remind us of our other sweet son waiting for us at home . My primary focus was to remain as calm as possible during contractions . This meant visualizing my body working to get Panini out , focusing on my breathing , and staying as quiet as possible . I was conscious that when I needed to make a noise , it was a deep groan rather than sharp or shrill noises , as I had read that the low groans are better for progressing and not fighting your body . And when I needed Hubskie to just talk to help get my mind off of the pain , he came through and kept his one sided conversation going . It was actually just really nice to sit and talk with him . Our life has been so busy these past few weeks and it felt like I had barely seen him this month , so just getting to hear about his day was relaxing . Around 9 : 50 the nurse came in to do the monitoring . She waited for me to get through a contraction and then had me lay back so that she could strap me up . I had told Hubskie that I thought I was feeling some pressure , but also felt silly because it really hadn 't been long since she first told me to wait to be checked . During one of my contractions Hubskie said something like " Ok , that was just a small contraction , you did great . " Which in general sounds really encouraging , except that the contraction actually hurt quite a bit , so to hear that according to the screen it was a small one , was a little disheartening . I explained this to Hubskie and no more mention about the screen was made . Towards the end of monitoring I let the nurse know that I did think I was starting to feel some pressure . She said since I was checked recently , she would wait to check me at my next monitoring , which would be 10 : 45 . I was a little skeptical but didn 't want to make a fuss so I obliged . After she left , things really seemed to ramp up . I no longer felt stable enough to sit on the ball , so instead I got on all fours and Hubskie helped gather all the pillows so I could rest my head on them while my booty was in the air . Definitely a great labor position and I barely had to use any muscles . I told Hubskie I wasn 't going to make it much longer as the urge to push was already starting to be present . But I also told him I was worried to bring the nurse in to check me and only be 4 - 5 cm . That would just be hard to hear . He encouraged me to make it through 6 more contractions and then he would go get the nurse . At one point I specifically remember saying " Gosh these contractions are really starting to suck . " But in my head I 'm pretty sure I was screaming and cursing . On contraction number 5 I told him he needed to go get her now because this baby was coming soon . He rushed out the door and they were back in a jiffy . I told the nurse that contractions were getting stronger and closer and there was a lot of pressure . She looked a little skeptical but had my lay back to get checked . I could see the shock on her face . " You 're 8 cm , time to get your doctor up here . " We told these people I progress fast , and we weren 't kidding . Thankfully , Dr . B must have remembered my history of fast delivery , as he was already in the lobby waiting to be called in . When he came in the room I immediately let him know that it would be soon . I said something along the lines of " I am going to need to start pushing soon . " Everyone kind of nodded in jest . I said it again and the nurse came to check me again . Sure enough I was 10 cm and 100 % effaced . It was go time . They helped me get my legs up and had the bed 's incline raised up . As soon as my second leg came up I let them know I was going to start pushing . There was literally no way I was going to be able to go through my next contraction without pushing . Dr . B was still getting his scrubs / gloves / and booties on . I remember seeing his face look something like this : - O when I pushed , as Panini 's head was already there . And I knew it too . I had a very distinct flashback to the terrible burning sensation that occurred when Zilla 's head started to crown . Hubskie said pretty much all of the nurses were looking on in disbelief and trying to get everything ready in time . Dr . B , still standing up , told me I needed to stop pushing on the next contraction or else there was a good chance there would be a bad tear . My least favorite words to hear . Stop pushing . But I knew it was necessary and I really did not want to tear , as even the small tear I had with Zilla was quite a painful recovery . So I dug into my reading and recalled a blog post about this specific moment of labor . The woman writing recommended " blowing a candle out . " While the ideal breathing is usually deep to help manage the pain , for some reason , a short breath out helps in not pushing . So I got to blowing the candles out . Hubskie told me he thought I was going to have a seizure . Nope , just busy blowing out the candles , don 't worry about me . Next contraction Dr . B , told me to give just a little push . As it turns out , a little push is harder than no push at all . But little push I did ( thank you Kegels ) , And then nothing . No direction . No one was talking . So I yelled , " What do you want me to do ? ! Can I push ? ! " Just a small push . Okay , another small push . Another push . And he was out ! Out before I even had a chance to realize how close he was to coming out . And then he was immediately handed to me . Panini is here ! ! ! First picture ! The new policy as Presby is skin to skin for one hour before any kind of measurements are taken . So for an hour Hubskie , Panini , and I all just soaked each other in . There is no feeling like holding the little baby who has been in your tummy for 9 months . The little bitsy whom I worried about on the daily , whom I prayed for constantly , whom I yearned to meet and know . Here he was . Pure perfection . There is truly nothing like it . Dr . B congratulated us . I apologized for yelling . He laughed and said he doesn 't think anyone has ever yelled at him " What do you want me to do ? " but then commended me on my control in pushing . The nurses said they don 't think they have ever had such a quiet natural birther . I thanked Panini for being so small , and my body for being so quick . Unfortunately , both mine and Hubskie 's phones ran out of batteries so thee aren 't many pics of his first hour of life . But he was still just as cute the next day . Once we got to the room , I was sure to snap dada 's first picture with Panini Nina got to be the first to meet him the next morning . She had driven from Houston in the horrible down pour , got detoured through Waco , and made it around 4 : 45am . She stopped in for a bit to meet her new grandson . The best part is that Panini ended up being born on Nina 's birthday ! Hubskie was pretty much out , but I was pumping with all kinds of adrenaline and energy so I wasn 't sleeping much . Panini , on the other hand , was sleeping great like his daddy . Everything went smooth during our stay . I was a little worried at first because he wasn 't waking up to eat . But on night two he woke up and only wanted to eat . Which also worried me because I thought we were going to have another colicky baby . * Spoiler alert : he 's not ! He 's a great eater and a great sleeper . And mommy could not be happier . * This bottom picture is Zilla when he was born . Now both our boys have a " Fry Boy " picture . I just think it 's so cute ! Once again , our room was flooded with love and we had lots of awesome visitors ! One additional note . I have to say , I am so grateful for our daytime nurse . She made a point to address postpartum depression with me . She had no knowledge of my history , but was sure to talk about different medications that wouldn 't affect breastfeeding and the importance of self care . She gave tips on how to recognize PPD and what to do should I start to notice symptoms . It was amazing to know that other moms are probably getting this same information from her . It 's so important . Particularly because she is one of the first people interacting with the new moms . I was just really impressed . Way to go , nurse Michelle at Presby Dallas . You rock ! That 's all for now , more to come in the next Vrlyfry - day update ! It was one of those nights where daddy had class and mommy was worn out from being pregnant all day . So Zilla and I decided to have a date night at Shady 's burgers . And of course we couldn 't leave without ice cream from Sweet Firefly ! Day 289 : 10 / 16 Hubskie and Wifeskie 's turn to have a day date ! We went to the fair as a final hurrah before the new one gets here ! I felt bad not taking Zilla , but it was nice to just spend time with hubskie . Zilla 's getting ready for Panini 's arrival ! Also , look at that awesome sign in the background . My college bestie made it for Panini : ) Day 292 : 10 / 19 This week was the ABC Kids Expo . AKA my favorite time of year . It 's when all the baby industry manufacturers get together and show off their newest products . This was a couple of my favorites . Finally , someone has made adorable moccasins for boys . . . you usually only see girly ones . Jogging stroller , meet biking stroller . AHHHHHHhhhh ! My best friends ( bridesmaids ) got together and gifted me a Lily Jade diaper bag ! ! I have been obsessing over these since the last ABC Kids Expo . They are just so pretty and functions and can be worn as a backpack ! This is a must when chasing a toddler with a newborn . It rained that afternoon . I was worried about that evening since daddy had class and mommy wasn 't looking to fight Zilla about not being able to play in the rain . So I made the executive decision to just go out an play in the rain . He had a blast ! That night dada got home a little early and put Zilla to bed . He accidentally fell asleep too , and it was too sweet not to capture . Day 295 : 10 / 23 So this is going to be funny to write since Panini has made his arrival , but here 's a little update between our last visit and his birth . So last we spoke my blood pressure was a little high and I was having to pee in a jug . As luck would have it , I did indeed end up filling up the jug before my test was over and had to re - do the whole thing . This time they gave me two jugs . I know you are excited to learn this . In the end , my protein levels were just fine ! And my blood pressure stayed the same or a little lower , so I was in the clear . I was becoming increasingly antsy about delivering this baby . Mostly because I was having a very difficult time staying checked in at work and I didn 't want my consumer 's to suffer because of it . Thursday I was finally going to be checked for progress at Dr . B 's . I was just certain that I was at least 4 cm dilated . On Wednesday I had constant braxton hicks , which must mean all those dates I was eating and uterus water I was drinking was doing something . The moment of truth . . . drum roll please . . . 1 cm dilated and a posterior cervix . WHAT ? ! Dr . B asked if I could remember if I was progressed at this point with Zilla . As a matter of fact , Dr . B , I documented every second of my last pregnancy and I was 3 cm dilated and 50 % effaced . He was pretty surprised to hear this and said something along the lines of this being opposite of what he would expect between a first and second pregnancy . I think he could see the disappointment on my face and was quick to reassure me that things could still happen at any moment and maybe he would be seeing me before my next scheduled appointment . He also told me to not let my lack of progression full me , as he still expected my actual labor to go quickly considering how fast Zilla came . He reminded me to not wait too long before getting to the hospital once I felt real contractions . That 's about it . coming very soon , the birth story ! ! ! ! The Vrlyfries I don 't really remember why I took this picture . Maybe because I realized I hadn 't taken one that day and needed to . Well , apparently we went to the neighbor 's house that night : ) Day 269 : 9 / 26 Zilla was absolutely adament about going to church on Saturday . So we went to church and said some hello 's to St . Mark . Also we walked in on a wedding , which was just a little bit awkward . We are finally owners of a video monitor ! This is me testing out taking pictures on the monitor of our mischievous little guy . I just think this picture is so funny . He 's totally got his judgey face going on here . Day 272 : 9 / 29 Zilla likes to wave bye bye as we go down the driveway in the morning . I tear up a little bit everytime . I can 't tell if it 's " I love you so much " tears or " I don 't want to say bye bye " tears or a combination of both . That night we celebrated hubskie 's cousin ( one of my favorite Aggies ) and his wife 's new baby on the way . They are due just a week before Panini ! I have 2 of these videos . He was having so much fun providing the evening entertainment . And I was having a blast watching him . I think his dance is my favorite part . Supination is one of our top goals before Zilla is aged out of the ECI program , and one of the few ways we can get him to practice it is with his guitar . He 'll say " look momma , my hand is under like daddy " when he 's holding it right . Love this kid ! Day 281 : 10 / 8 Zilla got to see Panini for the first time . He definitely did not understand what was going on on the screen but I still thought it was a sweet moment : ) That evening we went to Ms . Ellie and Mr . Robert 's house for dinner . I just love this picture of my bestie and my son feeding the ducks together ! He asks to go back to see them often . One of my longest friends is moving to Colorado soon . I am so happy for her , but pretty sad for our family . She was a rock for us during Zilla 's first few months . He hadn 't seen her in quite a while , but it took no time before they were back to being best friends ! Our little guy finally gave us a shot of his face ! I 've been having fairly frequent sonograms because I am measuring small . Each time Panini has been facing away from the camera and the tech will just snap a picture of his boy parts again and print it off . I 'm just like . . . wellll I don 't really need any more pics of that , but thanks . But at week 37 , this little guy gave his momma a little peek at how handsome he is ! I definitely tear up when I look at this , he looks perfect : ) We have made it to 38 weeks ! No real progress to speak of . I am having braxton hicks but that is about it . If I am reading my blogs from Zilla 's pregnancy correctly , I expect Dr . B to check me for any dilation / effacement next week . I am really really hoping for there to be some progress . Okay , I may really really be hoping that we won 't even make it to next week before his arrival . Not because I don 't appreciate this amazing time I am getting to spend with him , because I really do , but I think I am a little bit tired of having the same conversation over and over again with strangers . That sounds ungrateful . Maybe it is . I should probably be more grateful . I am going to make a real effort to be more grateful for these conversations starting today . Good talk , blog . But I am so ready to meet this little guy and hold him in my arms and let his brother and daddy meet him too ! Also , I 've pretty much checked out from work , which is not good . I need to check back in until he is here , but it is becoming increasingly difficult to do . Symptoms wise , I am still itching but I think it is a little bit less . Or I am just getting used to it . The second liver function test came back negative too , so I think I am in the clear for that one ! At my appointment on Wednesday my blood pressure was a little high , so I am getting to do a super fun 24 hour urine collection test . I am in the middle of doing that today . They gave me a 3000 unit jug and at 5 : 00 I have already used up almost 2500 units of space . . . soooo apparently I pee too much . Sorry for the TMI , but I 'm genuinely concerned I am not going to have enough room to make it to 7 : 00am tomorrow morning . I might have to start using ziplock bags or something ! Hubskie and I are going to the fair tomorrow ! I will have to monitor my blood pressure while we are there , but I am excited about the trip nonetheless . It will be the first day off we 've had together in awhile and we 're just going to take the time to enjoy being husband and wife . I think it 's important to do this before we add to the chaos ! The nursery is mostly complete . Dressers are anchored to both kids ' walls , clothes have been sorted and stored away , we have wall art courtesy of my bestie pictured above , and I got a large print of one of our maternity pictures to put in the room as well . Pictures will be uploaded once it 's all hanging . My bag is mostly packed for the hospital , I feel like I 'm under - packing , but I figure if there 's anything I forgot someone can pick it up for me . As long as we have a camera for pictures , we 're set ! I also picked out Panini 's come home outfit . It 's cute little sailboat overalls to match his nursery theme . Zilla is getting ready for Panini as well . Sometimes he will tell me things like " When Panini grows up , I can teach him to play guitar too ? " Heart melt . Oh and he is just infatuated with babies . It is literally the sweetest thing ever . Except for when it 's with a stranger at the park and their baby trying to nurse , yeah , that happened . But for the most part , he just loves gazing at babies and touching their back . I love it . |
Levi weighed in at 9 lbs . 6 oz . today . The doctor and nurses were excited about how much he 's grown . The oral vaccination didn 't go so well . He has a sensitive gag reflex and got choked on it . The nurse got really freaked out , but he was okay . I brought a preventative medicine checklist for Down Syndrome and had it sitting on the exam table . The doctor already had one in Levi 's file and told me we were all caught up . He reminded me that he did a thyroid test last time we were there . It was comforting knowing he took the time to go the extra mile . Many pediatricians aren 't aware of the extra tests that should be done at certain ages since kids with DS are more likely to have certain health issues . One example is the thyroid function test that should be done twice a year . I was telling the doctor about how impressed the OT was with Levi 's muscle tone . He stood up tall and said , " Well , I see a lot more 2 month olds than that OT does , and Levi is right on target . " He thinks Levi is doing what a typical 2 month old child would be doing at this age . My friend , Meredith , came with me to the appointment to help out with Adam ( who was an extremely good boy ) . After the check up we had lunch and took Adam to play at the mall in the play area with big , soft toys to climb on . He had a blast skipping around and climbing on things . By the way , Adam is still sleeping in his big boy bed . We 've gone through a few days of repeatedly putting him back in it after he gets up and runs down the hall , but tonight , he didn 't get up once . It wasn 't easy getting him to that point . Wes is so good to remind me not to give in , and it is that consistency that pays off . This morning , Adam crawled into our bed around 7 and just laid there between us . I rubbed his back awhile , and he said , " Mommy , I love you . " Last night I replaced all the newborn sized clothes in Levi 's drawers with the next size up . I just love putting larger sized clothes in the dresser and closet for my boys . It reminds me that time is passing quickly and takes me back to thosePosted by We had a special visit today . I recently made a new friend through DSACK . We talk , email and text several times a week . It was so cool to finally get to meet . Miles is 6 weeks old and is even more adorable in person . His mama and I enjoy each other so much that these boys are gonna be friends whether they like it or not ! Ha ha ha ! Even though neither child was cooperating in this picture , I love it ! Miles is like , " Stop the crying , dude ! Just chill with me . " The OT ( occupational therapist ) came today and was so impressed with Levi 's strength ! She would just giggle and say , " He 's so strong ! " She gave me a brush to use on his mouth and tongue before each feeding to " wake up his mouth . " It should help strengthen his oral muscles . I was glad she had me do it while she was there so she could watch because I wasn 't using enough pressure at first , and it irritated him . I am sure it tickled . After I started pressing down a little harder , he was much happier and actually fell asleep ! Abagail came and spent the day with us . The boys both love her , and I have a hunch the feeling 's mutual . Adam has decided to add a microphone to his performance equipment . He uses a toilet paper stand . I used to have him put it back each time I saw him with it , but I was afraid we 'd find it missing one time when it was needed , so I just cleaned it up and let him have it . We made other arrangements for our toilet paper . Today was Levi 's first time to join us for Bible class and worship . As I was getting ready and thinking about where we 'd go for lunch , I thought , " WE ARE A FAMILY OF FOUR ! " It was so nice to all be out together , and it was a lot easier to manage than I thought . He drew a crowd , and it meant a lot to me that so many people wanted to see him . It is really comforting knowing he will be a part of a wonderful group of people that already accept him and will love him for who he is . Big brother was pretty proud , too . He was happy to share the spotlight and behaved very well . And boy did he sing today ! Levi has a big week planned . The occupational therapist is coming tomorrow . His 2 month check up and shots are on Wednesday , and he gets his physical therapy evaluation on Friday . In case you 're wondering ( like I was ) , occupational therapy is for fine motor skills while physical therapy is for gross motor skills . These song lyrics can to mind after taking this picture of Levi . . . The color of the pure in soulLike water shall fill the cloudless skyTry to feel the splendor of it allEmbrace the honesty of nightfallTry to feel the anguish of it allWrap yourself upIn every facet of emotionCan you feel loveCan you feel joyCan you feel painGot a feeling they 're on their way ( lyrics to " Siren Song " by Erasure ) Ever watch a dramatic movie and love it even though it made you cry so hard ? After watching Titanic , almost every woman in the restroom was bawling her eyes out while talking about what a GOOD movie it was . The sadness wasn 't good . We liked it because of the DEPTH of emotion it made us feel . I have always loved " Siren Song " because it addresses the idea of wrapping yourself up in emotion and embracing it , good or bad . I think Levi is going to bring a whole new depth of emotion to my life . I am sure there will be tough times , but the highs will be higher , and each and every one of his milestones will be cause for celebration . I tried so hard to get a good picture to post . This one ended up being the best . I couldn 't get Levi to smile , and all of Adam 's bumps , scratches , and bruises are what stand out to me . He loves to be outside . Unfortunately , he and the concrete are becoming best friends . They meet several times a day . Those Crocs Adam has on are really meant for warmer weather . I found them at a consignment shop and put them in the bin of shoes under his bed . He found them and can put them on himself since Wes moved the heel strap for him . Now he has these Crocs on all the time . He even had them back on last night after I put him in his pajamas ! On my way to the computer tonight , I stopped in Levi 's room to check on him . He was squirming around and grinning at the mobile on his crib . He was so quiet , I thought he was asleep . Adam is in his big boy bed tonight . I hope he does well . He hasn 't slept in it for a long time . His pack ' n ' play is set up beside the bed , and he just prefers to sleep there . I 'd say it feels more secure , and it is something he is used to . Three people from First Steps came to the house today to see Levi . We saw the same service coordinator & evaluation person from the last visit , and his physical therapist came , too . The physical therapist will do an standardized test and evaluate him next Friday morning . Today we set up his individualized family goal plan . For you teachers out there , it is pretty much an IEP for a baby . They asked what our goals were for Levi 's first six months , and I said I wanted to prepare him for sitting up . I kept waiting for them to tell us what other goals we should set but finally figured out that the evaluator could only write down what WE suggested and they weren 't supposed to give us any ideas . Once I figured that out , I RAN with it . Wes & I said we wanted everything from Levi being able to track objects with his eyes to making cooing sounds to being prepared to crawl . We said we want an OT to see him , and went on and on . I don 't even remember everything we said because Wes and I jPosted by Yesterday I did my first seminar since I had to stop traveling at the end of April . It was a blast , and the evaluations the teachers left were awesome ! So many kind words and compliments . I had a great day , but the best part was coming back home to my family . I am so thankful that Wes is involved with the boys enough that I don 't have to leave him notes or remind him of a bunch of stuff before I leave . He can do everything himself , and I can enjoy my time away since I don 't have to worry . The kitchen was all picked up and Adam had a fun day with his Daddy . Levi took his bottles well , and when I came home , he twisted and turned his head towards my voice . He gave me a lot of smiles when I got him in my arms . Adam crawled up in the chair to read a book with me , and it was a happy reunion for all . We all went outside for a little while , too . Here is a picture of the Moby wrap . I like to use it when Adam goes outside to play . That way Levi can join us , but my hands are free to push Adam on his swing & play with him . Here is Levi lifting his head up ! He 's a strong one ! I double - checked & found out that I didn 't make the changes I thought I did for comments . Now the setting is changed so anyone can comment without logging in . Please try it so I know if it works or not . Thanks . Another book I 've been reading is called Easy to Love , Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey . I got it to help with some research I was doing for work , and I am so glad I had it laying around on my desk . It sure came in handy this week . Adam is an obedient , loving little guy and normally does whatever we ask . Every once & awhile he will cry while following directions b / c he doesn 't want to do what was asked of him , but he usually is happy to clean up and do other things many kiddos would throw fits over . He IS testing his limits in some ways , but the thing I 've been having the most difficulty with is the whining . He wants to be held a lot and will whine , " Hold you mommy , Hold you mommy , hold you mommy . " As fast as he can , over and over and over . He does this the most when I am cooking . After reading part of this book , I am talking to Adam about how he feels & letting him know that I understand . I offer to hold his hand or give him a hug instead of holding him , and he has really responded well . I think BOTH of us were much happier yesterday ! Kids understand so much more than most people give them credit for . I really try to value that and was thankful for the reminder this book gave to me . Lately before I go to bed at night , I read a passage or two from a book called Gifts : Mothers Reflect on How Children with Down Syndrome Enrich Their Lives . It was given to me at the hospital in a bag of resources from DSACK ( the Down Syndrome Association of Central Kentucky ) . I remember the feeling of denial I had when a social worker at the hospital handed me that tote bag . When we got home from the hospital , I hung the bag near my desk . Some days I would turn it around so only the blank side showed . I didn 't even want to look at the words " Down Syndrome . " I also remember opening this book on the way to one of Levi 's doctor appointments before we got the final word on his chromosome test . I had to put it down because I started bawling . I just wasn 't sure I was ready to go down this road , and we were still waiting to find out if Levi had DS or not . Now I am friends with some of the moms in DSACK and met one of the awesome women who put that tote bag and its resources together for me . I am LOVING this book and really enjoy each mother 's words of hope . It is funny how proud I am to be in the world of special needs just a few weeks after all those tears . I feel like I am part of a secret club that only certain people are invited to . That others without a child like Levi may not ever understand . One of the stories last night was an analogy that a mother made about being thrown in to the deep end of a swimming pool . She was frighted , couldn 't swim and was choking and sputtering at first . Then she started treading water and slowly realized that she wouldn 't drown . Finally she found that in the deep end she could dive and do somersaults , things that can 't be done in the shallow end , and she said to others , " You don 't know what you 're missing , here in the deep end . " I had a bad case of cabin fever today . We still have 2 more weeks before we can bring Levi out & about , so a trip to see Grams and Grandpa 's house was in order . I am so excited that Levi is starting to fit in his clothes that I had to get a picture of him in this outfit and hat . It is only a newborn size , but it just swallowed him up until now . Adam wanted in on the picture taking action . When he saw my camera out , he said , " Adam . . . in it ? " and jumped up beside Levi . He sure loves his baby brother . He gives Levi lots of lovin ' every day . If Levi ever cries while he is in his crib , Adam turns on some music for him . The other day Levi was in his swing , and Adam kept bringing his toys and laying them on Levi 's lap . He wanted to share . I am sure these boys will have all kinds of fun growing up together . I know Adam will continue to be a great big brother . I have changed the blog so anyone can post comments without being a registered user . I have had several people say that they wanted to comment but couldn 't . Hopefully it will be easy to do now . Give it a whirl . . . I took Levi to be weighed on Wednesday . . . 8 pounds ! Hooray ! He is really filling out has even moved up a diaper size ! We haven 't given him any formula supplements in about 2 weeks . He is taking a bottle once a week to prepare him for the days I am out of town for work , and he is nursing beautifully ( with no extra apparatus anymore ) ! Three cheers for Levi ! I remember being in the hospital struggling with nursing and having to pump and supplement after every feeding . The lactation consultant once told me that all the nurses were in the hallway saying that I needed to be giving Levi formula . I thought , " We 'll show YOU ! " It was a long , tiring process , but I am so glad he is nursing well now . I never even really thought about giving up . I knew he 'd get there . It actually took Adam even longer to get the hang of it , probably since he was born so early . The info given to me at the hospital about nursing a baby with Down Syndrome said that Levi would be more likely to be a " lazy " nurser because of low muscle tone and that he probably wouldn 't naturally wake up and let me know when it was time for him to eat , but he cries to eat about every 3 hours . At night , he eats at 11 or 11 : 30 and although I set my alarm for 5am so he doesn 't go too long without eating , he usually wakes up about 15 minutes before the alarm goes off . Here 's another impressive act . This is where Levi is when I lay him to bed at night . . . And THIS is where he is in the morning ! He didn 't get the memo that he 's supposed to have low muscle tone ! I know he 'll struggle in other areas and have his own difficulties to overcome , but it is a thrill seeing his strengths emerge already , so I had to brag . That 's what proud mamas do , ya know ! I keep getting the same question from people , and thought I 'd address it b / c I never know quite how to answer it . Plus , I 've wondered about it myself . The burning question . . . " Do you think Levi has a mild form of Down Syndrome ? " I think people ask b / c they don 't see the physical characteristics a person would expect , but then I wonder how many of us have ever seen a baby with DS . I know I never have . In fact , I haven 't seen all that many people of any age with it . I just figure that no matter how mild it is , it is Down Syndrome . . . there 's not much mild about that . I looked online to get insight on the question and found an interesting analogy . One parent said that it is like being pregnant . You can 't be mildly pregnant . You either are or you aren 't , and the symptoms vary from person to person . Some people have morning sickness , some don 't . Some have a lot of swelling . Others have no problem with that . Since Down Syndrome is the presence of an extra 21st chromosome . There really is no such thing as a mild case . You either have DS or you don 't , but the symptoms vary from person to person . I read that there are more than 50 characteristic features of DS . Most have mental retardation in the mild ( IQ 50 - 70 ) to moderate ( IQ 35 - 50 ) range ( most people range from 70 - 130 ) . So maybe it would be considered a mild case if his IQ was in that upper range for DS , but then there are speech issues , social problems , etc . I think about Chris Burke , who played Corky on " Life Goes On . " Even as highly successful as he became , his speech is a noticeable problem , and the physical characteristics are there . I am not saying that to put limitations on Levi but to be realistic . I know he is not going to be a typically developing kid ( or a typical adult for that matter ) , and I am okay with that . Many kids with DS are now going on to higher education and making contributions to important workforces , and honestly , if I could choose a disorder for my kid to be born with , this would be it . I am okay with it . . . mild or not . Posted by I read this quote the other day on Kelle Hampton 's blog : " Normal day , let me be aware of the treasure you are . Let me learn from you , love you , bless you before you depart . Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow . Let me hold you while I may , for it may not always be so . One day , I shall dig my nails into the earth , or bury my face in the pillow , or stretch myself taut , or raise my hands to the sky and want , more than all the world , your return . " ( Author Unknown ) It goes right along with something I read the other day about stress . The suggestion was given to slow down and pay attention to your senses . What do you see , smell , taste , touch , & hear ? The more you are aware of the details of the moment , the more you will enjoy what is going on instead of feeling stressed out . I am noticing now how beautiful it is to smell the sunscreen in Adam 's hair , hear the birds while I push him on the swing , and feel the soft , soft skin on baby Levi 's little cheeks . So pay attention to the details , and live in the moment . Life is good if we are willing to stop long enough to enjoy it . And then . . . something to make an ordinary day something special . . . a lemonade stand ! One thing Wes & I never pass up is a lemonade stand . Some children down the street had one set up , & it caught our eye while Adam was running in the sprinkler . It was Adam 's first time to have pink lemonade . He kept saying , " Pink juice . . . Ahhhh . " Good stuff ! ! This is my first attempt at posting video . I hope to learn more about iMovie . It is a very simple program to use . I think I 'll have a lot of fun with it . It is just a matter of finding the time to play around with it and learn how to use everything . We had such a nice day at home together today . Both of our cars were LONG overdue for a bath , and Adam was a great helper . He scrubbed and used the hose to rinse things off . As you can see in the pictures , he took his work very seriously . Just as we were getting started , Adam raised his sudsy cloth up in the air while I bent down to put mine in the bucket . I got a head full of bubbles before the cars got any suds on them ! Wes got a good laugh about that ! We worked for a while during Levi 's nap , took a break to cool off inside when it was time for him to eat , and set him in his swing outside to watch while we finished up . Levi made some new noises today , and his cry is getting more bearable . Wes & I joke that he sounds like a raptor or screaming banshee . We can 't decide which . I feel like I 've suddenly climbed the mountain of adjusting to a new baby . I remember the same feeling with Adam . The first four weeks were so difficult . Then all of the sudden week five hit , and I felt at peace and was already looking forward to having another child . The first few weeks with Levi were tough in different ways . . . the shock of Levi 's diagnosis & all the doctors visits made it emotionally draining , and I struggled with feeling like I couldn 't give Adam the attention he needed while meeting the demands of caring for a newborn . Now it just feels normal to be reading to Adam while feeding Levi and juggling all the diaper changes and other needs they both have . ( Although , I may change my mind about that tomorrow while Wes is at work . It is so nice having him at home this summer . ) Yesterday , Adam & I went to a fun family get - together for the 4th of July . He loved the enormous sandbox . I think his other favorite part was the cake he got to eat for dessert . I enjoyed visiting with everyone , just wished Wes & Levi could have been there with us . I loved watching Adam play . He got to ride on one of those battery operated little cars and had me cracking up . He 'd only push the button for a second or two at a time . He kept looking behind him , like someone was back there pushing him , and he had this wonderful , open - mouthed smile . So much of life is more fun now that I have this little guy . Without him , I would have been sitting around and talking , which is fine , but I felt so much more joy being out in the yard watching Adam experience something new . He is such a joy ! I can 't get enough of Levi lately . I never want to lay him down . He was really alert today . When we lay him on our shoulders to burp him , he works so hard to lift his little head up . Then it bobbles around for a few seconds before he gets back into his burping position . His eyes are so big and deep that I just want to stare into them all the time . He seems to be interested in what is going on around him and gave his daddy a big gummy smile today ! I can 't believe he is over 5 weeks old all ready . All of these changes and stages of growth just fly past us . I want to take in as much as I can each step of the way . Speaking of Levi , time to feed him again ! Here are some pictures from yesterday . . . Well , as you can see , I figured out how to get my pictures to show up like I want them to ! Not an easy task , but it is worth the hours of research ! I am really excited about it ! These are from yesterday . Wes had the day off , so we packed up towels , sunscreen , & diapers & headed down the street to Brooke 's pool . We had a blast floating , splashing , and jumping in . Since Brooke 's youngest daughter , Sophie , already has a baby monitor set up by her crib , we were able to lay Levi down in the air conditioning most of the time while the rest of us played in the sun . What a great summer day ! |
It 's been really difficult to sit down and write about our island experience . Words don 't seem capable of conveying or summarizing the depth of adventure it was for us . I didn 't even wash my hair for a couple of days after we got home , because I didn 't want the sunshine and saltwater to disappear . There is something magical about knowing the last thing to rinse through your hair is the crystal clear water of the Caribbean ocean . The tears were rolling down Matthew 's cheeks . We both glanced around the airplane at the six beautiful bodies accompanying us on this epic adventure . When I stepped out onto the tarmac and was met with the warm tropical breeze , the smell of jet fuel hugged me like an old friend , making me feel immediately at ease . While getting our rental van sorted out , we saw a nice - looking young man who looked like he needed a ride . After offering him a ride to wherever he was going , it turned out he was going to the same place we were going ! It later became very clear just how Providential a meeting this was when we arrived at our hotel . For some reason , our reservation was coming up on their end for only one bedroom and they had no more rooms left . Our new friend , Will , offered us his room and said he could easily find another room somewhere , but it would be pretty near impossible to find a place for 8 people for the next 10 days . God bless Will . The following days were spent playing " Where 's Will " , and we ran into him a couple times each day , somewhere on the island . When we lived on Roatan thirteen years ago , we spent the majority of our time at the hotel where we stayed . We visited a couple places , but didn 't play tourist very much . This time we had a deep bucket list and hit just about everything on that list . We reunited with old friends , went back to where we used to live , and took in gorgeous views of the island from our fantastic van . We absolutely adored being able to squeeze Harry 's chunky thighs as we ditched the winter garb for ten glorious days . Another one of my favorite parts of our time there was every morning . We would wander downstairs to the cafeteria , which was under the hotel . It faced the ocean , and we would order hot coffee or tea , a delicious breakfast , and simply be . No agenda but to sip tea and snuggle a baby . Never did we think this dream of returning to our Island home would come true . But God knew we needed this time and provided incredibly for us to be here . Many thanks to Matt 's employer , who made it possible to go . So grateful , too , for my Plexus business which made it possible to buy passports for 8 and eat for 10 days ! Our trip home was bittersweet . Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : adventure , blessing , family , freedom , fun , home , ocean , real life , Surprises , thankfulness | Tags : adventure , blessing , family , freedom , fun , home , ocean , real life , surprises , thankfulness | Permalink . September 18 , 2015 by amylynw 1 Comment September Snapshots This week in school has been busy ! We made gliders in Science class one day to learn about drag and experiment with a long skinny wing vs a short and wide wing … which flies further ? It 's always fun when school can be brought outside . Our sidewalk always needs a sweep , and we have a few kids who adore sweeping . I love her joy and I also love her outfit … which has been going strong for three days now . I think it 's one of her favorites too ! I 'm thankful for homeschooling , but by three o ' clock my brain is toast and I need a few minutes of alone time . The other day Betty , who 's middle name is shadow , said , " I really want to follow you because I have a lot of stuff to say to you ! " I mean , really . How do you not squeeze someone like that ? She 's also very perceptive of when I need a break . A couple days ago , she happened to be walking up the stairs behind me as I retreated to my room for a few minutes of silence . She immediately said , " I 'm not following you , mom . " I laughed on the inside , and her wit started the process of melting away the stress of that day . She is loving Kindergarten . She constantly wants to do more and learn more . Elijah continues to invent , experiment and build . He got over his fear and mastered a front flip off the diving board this summer . He almost made me dive headfirst into our grill while I was flipping hamburgers the other night , when he snuck up behind me and scared the living daylights out of me ! He 's a great big brother . He loves music and his guitar lesson is the highlight of his week . Nadine is doing great in school . She loves her time with her rabbits . Yes , Oreo is really jumping into the air . He races around our front porch and Nadine says he 's happy when he does that . I don 't speak bunny , but she does . She occasionally babysits now , which she enjoys very much ! She is super into coloring to de - stress , and continues to be the best letter - writer in the County ! Jack keeps improving on his reading . He is strong and a perfectionist . He enjoys competing with Matthew and one day he will beat him , I 'm sure ! He totally beats me in pull - ups , push - ups and the like . He loves to play with coins and carry them around in a sock . Elsie is a great big sister . She and Betty still enjoy twinning some days . She is very much into gymnastics , even though not officially taking lessons . She watched some YouTube videos and learned how to do a back bend , and how to do a back pullover on the bars ! She has turned into a bookworm , and I love that her favorite book right now was one of my favorite books when I was her age : Annie Oakley ! She constantly is tidying up around the house , and more than a few times I have come upstairs at the end of the day to find the bathroom scrubbed , or my bed made . She is a strong girl with a lot of determination ! In a few weeks Matthew & I will be running the Ragnar relay again . So I 've been running a lot . Since we started taking Plexus and my blood sugar has been stabilizing , I actually sweat now . I never used to sweat , and so this is a new phenomenon for me and I text way too many pictures of my sweaty face to Matthew because it tickles me … literally ! When I 'm not running or teaching school , I 'm IN school or in our kitchen . Things I study : I 'm still studying to become a certified aromatherapist , which I love and dive into when there 's a free evening . Also , constantly researching gut health . My favorite beverage is a tumeric latte , which helps with inflammation . It 's a sad evening when the whole thing spills all over the table and dyes the floor yellow . It 's amazing stuff . Time with Matthew is incredibly precious . The other night we were able to slip away for a little date . I pulled out some shoes I haven 't worn since I was a teenager . Fun times ! In closing , I 'll attach a video we made yesterday . In science we decided to conduct a little experiment about a product in our house we generally think is " healthy " . But is it ? Check it out to see our amateur video attempts . This was our first run through , and the kids thought the humor was fun so here it is . First cut . Enjoy ! Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : food , fun , health , homeschool , joy , kids , plexus | Tags : food , fun , health , homeschool , joy , kids , plexus | Permalink . September 2 , 2015 by amylynw Leave a comment Weldon Homeschool Academy School has started in full swing this week . We 're reading , incorporating more fun , and lessons are shorter and more varied than previous years . It 's pretty exciting to be coloring a map and have to say , " Ok , put your map away until next week ! " and hear groans all around the table . Today in school , besides reading about the Oregon Trail and decimals , Elijah made this fabulous K ' Nex slap shot set - up and we had fun filming our version of Dude Perfect . In science we learned all about air pressure . The moving air across the top of the straw could not press down as hard on the water in the straw . Since the water inside the straw wasn 't being pushed down as hard as the water in the cup , it was pushed out of the straw ! The spray surprised us all ! Reading , writing , drawing , coloring , making movies , and much more have been scattered across the hours . Right now our house looks like a whole lot of action has been had inside its walls . Canning and running and sweating were all a part of our day , and my body is aching to fall into bed . Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : fun , homeschool | Tags : fun , homeschool | Permalink . August 11 , 2015 by amylynw Leave a comment Sweet Summer Since school is beginning very soon , I thought now would be a good time to do a quick overview of our summer so far . It 's been delightful to say the least ! June started out with a half marathon , which I completed with two friends . It was much harder than anticipated , but I finished and was thankful for the challenge ! So far , August has been beautiful . Our dear friends came to visit us from Ohio . Ruthie and I go all the way back to age ten . Lots of front porch talks , a trip to the beach , and seeing our kids play with each other was such a joy . The garden is bursting with color . Matthew made the girls ' room a lot more fun by hanging their bed from the ceiling . It is only accessible via a ladder and monkey bars . Notice , my oldest daughter has to bend over a bit to look like the same height as her mother . Matthew is doing marvelously well health - wise . More on that later . Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : adventure , blessing , friends , fun , garden , joy , kids , running , summer | Tags : adventure , blessing , friends , fun , garden , joy , kids , running , summer | Permalink . June 24 , 2015 by amylynw 1 Comment Cleared For Take - Off Since it 's almost been a month since we went down to North Carolina , I thought it was high time to get my pictures together from our trip . Oceanus did well driving down there . We missed one exit , which gave us an extra long and lovely drive . We even touched into Tennessee , which was unexpected . A few of the highlights of our time with my brother and his family was of course seeing them , and also touring the airport where he works and serves missionary candidates . The ministry he helped to found is called Compass Aviation , and its goal is to give training and experience to pilots and mechanics who are wanting to serve on the foreign mission field . Please , check out their website to learn more and pray about how God can use YOU to get planes flying and pilots and mechanics to their destination . Here is my amazing brother : Funny story : when I was in the plane with Elijah & Betty , my brother did a CRAZY swoop during take - off which made all of us scream SO loudly . It was fabulous . Betty loved every second , the thrill - seeker that she is . She loved it so much , in fact , that this is what she did for most of the time she wasn 't in the airplane : On Saturday , we celebrated Aaron 's graduation from High School . It was one of the most blessing - filled ceremonies I have ever attended . My brother and sister - in - law homeschooled him , and did a fine job indeed . Our whole family was very inspired . It was hard to drive away from our Southern family , but our memories with them are incredibly sweet . I am beyond words of thankfulness for the blessing of our family and all its extensions . At a rest stop on the way home , we stopped to stretch . Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : adventure , blessing , family , fun , homeschool , joy , roadtrip , thankfulness | Tags : adventure , blessing , family , fun , homeschool , joy , roadtrip , thankfulness | Permalink . March 6 , 2015 by amylynw Leave a comment Halfway To Seventy Today we got a foot of snow for my birthday . It was PILES of fun , and I 'm thankful Matthew was able to work from home ! This week was full of surprises . It began with an early birthday cake , made especially by our cousin , who owns The Master 's Baker . Seeing as though we didn 't even have a wedding cake , this was my first experience at receiving a professional custom - made cake . Isn 't it gorgeous ? Since winter is here and all , we decided we would take it by the hand and have fun with it . My next surprise was a night away with everyone at Bear Creek mountain resort , for our very first family skiing adventure ! The last time I went skiing was on my 19th birthday . My best friend , Rebecca , was giving me clues on what to do to prepare for this epic surprise she had planned with my sister . She told me things like , " Make sure you shave your legs , " and " Dress nice ! " When my birthday rolled around , they blindfolded me and brought me downstairs to the kitchen where I was met by Matthew , his brother , and Rebecca 's brothers . Matthew handed me my " treasure map " to the surprise : a map of the ski place we would be going to that day ! I laughed and said , " Good thing I shaved my legs ! " before running back upstairs to change . It was a great memory . That may have been the time I kept skiing backwards and couldn 't figure out how to turn myself back around , which only came in handy when I wanted to wave at people as I passed them . It also may have been the time I accidentally went down a black diamond , without knowing how to slow down at all . I do remember flying past Matthew , and truly hoping I would make it down to the bottom in one piece . Funny how time telescopes when you find yourself in the exact place you have been in the past . I wasn 't skiing backwards or even down a black diamond . Yet all of a sudden I felt the same freedom mingled with danger , and I was 19 again . Except when I fell . Then the nostalgia went poof like the snow in which I landed , and I was definitely thirty - five . And I definitely had five people I had birthed from my body , sharing the ever - expanding niches of my heart . I don 't remember what it is like to be completely separate from those feelings of mother - love . To do anything apart from my mind , body and soul being so deeply connected with another human being . I would rather be halfway to seventy and not remember what it 's like to be independent of those feelings , than be nineteen and have no idea what I 'm missing . And as exhausting as motherhood can be , it 's even more exhilarating than that . My breath caught more times than just when the wind whipped my face . As I skied next to Elsie while she zipped to the bottom of a hill , red cheeks , one strand of hair constantly falling out of her hat and helmet , I smiled at her bravery . She went from being scared to death to go down the hill , to falling , to dusting herself off and saying , " Let 's do it again ! " It caught when I saw Nadine gracefully maneuvering the snowy hills , her tall self looking so beautiful . She was so helpful with Betty , both on the slopes and the night before , when we had supper together . I found it especially hard to believe my baby bear is growing up enough to have a ski day of her own . She absolutely loved it when Matthew held her waist all the way down the hill . I almost cried when her little voice called down to me from the ski lift and she waved her little mitten hand and went higher and farther away from me . When her daddy was not able to ski with her , this is what she thought about the whole idea : Our day ended abruptly when I got a call on my phone , just as I had sat down in the lodge with Nadine and Betty and a hot cup of tea . It was Matthew , and he said Elsie had fallen getting off the ski lift and he wasn 't sure if her arm was broken . My throat had a lump in it when I saw the snowmobile with a red cross on it make its way to the ski patrol , a tiny bundle on its sled . I told Nadine to pray and then ran over to meet Matthew . This darling little thing was getting checked out , and we still weren 't sure about her condition . After a lollipop , an ice - cream bar , and many attempts by the sweet ski patrol medics to get her to smile , Matthew got the rest of the crew packed up and we left . I experienced one of the most frightening and harrowing drives through ice and sleet and snow , but made it to the hospital near our house . Long , happy story short : her arm is not broken ! We are so grateful to God . Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : adventure , Africa , birthdays , blessing , family , fun , kids , love , motherhood , Surprises , travel , winter | Tags : adventure , Africa , birthdays , blessing , family , fun , kids , love , motherhood , surprises , travel , winter | Permalink . December 30 , 2014 by amylynw 2 Comments The Most Wonderful Time of the Year ( In A Nutshell ) The past month has been epic . I forgot my camera for the first big event , but snagged a few of my sisters ' photos . My brother - in - law planned a fabulous surprise birthday for my oldest sister . The day before , my brother hatched a plan to fly up here for a couple of hours to surprise her . It worked . I picked him , my nephew , and niece up from the local airport an hour before the party started . I felt like a little girl , back in the middle of Africa , waiting for him and my sister to fly home from boarding school . My other sister and I would listen for the sound of the small Cessna flying in from where they went to school . First a distant hum , then louder until we could see the plane circling over our station . This was slightly different , since he was the actual pilot this time , and his son was texting me from the airplane . But those distant memories were stirred from the corners of my brain , and I actually jumped up and down and screamed just like I did when I was Betty 's age . From our house , I heard the airplane and saw it coming in for landing . We raced to the van to drive the mile to the airport to pick them up and head over to the surprise party . A few weeks ago , the kids and I took a secret drive to Valley Forge for a Christmas photo shoot . I was excited at the forecast of snow flurries that day , and was imagining their white little selves falling on our noses and eyelashes in picture perfect clarity . What really happened was a lot of this : But then this happened , which is pretty sweet . Oh , and the flurries stopped once they sat down . Go figure . This month there has been a lot of this as well : Christmas was a lovely day here at home . We didn 't have to be anywhere and spent the day at home by ourselves for the first time ever . We had monkey bread for breakfast , but I pretty much left my camera on the shelf for the rest of the day . I have some treasured memories of squeals and hugs by appreciative hearts . It was a beautiful day . That evening for supper Matthew 's parents , sister and brother , and my parents came for dinner . We enjoyed a fun evening together and the Weldons spent the night . The next day we went rock climbing . This girl right here is a natural . The boots . The green tights . The pony - tail . I couldn 't stop smiling . All the girls were smoking it to the top over and over . The next day was interesting . We went to Jack 's wrestling tournament . We had expectations of hanging out together for a few hours in the afternoon , cheering him on , then getting home in plenty of time for supper . We can laugh now , but we weren 't laughing then . I had thoughts like this going through my head : " It won 't be long , " he said . " It 'll be fun , " he said . Looking back , it was fun . The kids brought their walkie - talkies , and were able to get lots of fresh air , running around outside and testing them out while we waited for 130 matches until Jack 's first match . The worst part of the day was right before Jack went onto the mat for the last time . I glanced around and couldn 't see Betty anywhere . I got a sickening feeling in my stomach as I looked all around the people - filled gym . We had just walked from another mat to this one , and somewhere along the way , Betty got lost in the shuffle . Jack was up to wrestle . I didn 't want to panic in front of him and mess up his concentration . I grabbed one of the walkie - talkies while Elijah and Nadine grabbed two more and we set off to find her . All in all , it was about five minutes total before I walked down the hallway and saw her huddled behind the door to the gym . She had her little stuffed puppy and was crying . I scooped her up , emotions spilling out of every pore . Jack was wrestling by then , and I just held her and we cried happy tears while we yelled encouragements to Jack . My entire body was shaking . I praise the Lord for watching over Betty . We figured that as we walked to the mat and stopped , she must have kept walking until she got to the hall and didn 't see us anymore . I told her what a good girl she was to stop and wait for me to find her . It was a long day that started and ended about three hours later than we expected . Jack won his matches and got a first place trophy . His eyes said it all : After getting to bed close to midnight , our plans for the next day somewhat unraveled . We were supposed to leave at ten o ' clock in the morning . Around ten thirty , the last of our five sleepy heads stumbled downstairs from their cozy bed . Pancakes started . Someone else desperately needed a shower , especially since they couldn 't remember the last time they did so . At last , everyone was fed , so I headed upstairs for my own shower . On the way , I met a special six - year old girl who was staring at herself in the mirror and said to me in a puzzled voice : " It 's like someone cut my hair ! " as she fiddled with her brown silky mop . I was about to just say , " Uh - huh " , but something stopped me in my tracks . " Elsie , why is your hair so short ? Did you cut your hair ? " Her eyes showed a slight mixture of fear and debate about her answer . The truth won out , and she told me she was just curious about how it would feel to cut it off . I think she found out pretty quickly . So , my shower was delayed for a bit longer while I opened up the hair salon in the bathroom . By noon we were ready to leave , but we didn 't actually leave until one - thirty . And THAT is how we roll some mornings in our house . Share this : EmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : Christmas , family , fun , joy , kids , real life , rockclimbing , Romance , wrestling | Tags : blessing , Christmas , family , fun , joy , kids , real life , rockclimbing , romance , wrestling | Permalink . Post navigation Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I don 't think there are too many people who would come up with the word " traditional " to describe me . Many times I only observe holidays in the " traditional " sense to make other people happy . . . not that I 'm not happy doing it , one of the things I enjoy most in life is making other people happy . I love knowing that someone is smiling because of something I said , did , wrote , or otherwise had a hand in . So , when it comes to the holidays , there are certain parts which are important to me as " tradition , " but are not necessarily " traditional . " For me , Christmas morning has always been the most important part of the day . It 's not just because that 's when all the prezzies happen , but because it seems to be the one morning of the year the family gets up and doesn 't have to hurry off to somewhere else . I have never NOT spent Christmas morning with my parents and brother . This year seemed extra special . The failing economy has finally trickled down far enough to start touching my family ( and friends ) , and everyone is getting a little stressed . But , this morning , none of that seemed to matter . We had mimostleys and home - made scones , lots of laughs , and a fabulous time . There seems to be no room for nostalgia at Christmas . Every year is as great as the last , and as I get older , I seem to appreciate it more . I have never been more thankful for my family , they are truly amazing . I don 't know who or what to blame . It could be Dickens Fair , it could be Teh ShortBus , it might be CSB , maybe it 's that I 'm generally a much happier person . But , I 'm actually in the Christmas spirit this year . I spent a week and a half playing Secret Santa . . . only because I knew it would totally mess with someone . Yes , best practical joke I 've played since St . Pat 's day . I sent Secret Santa gifts to a coworker ( no one else at work was doing an " organized " secret Santa ) , and was able to keep a straight face when she told me it was " freaking her out " and asked if it was me . " What me ? Secret Santa ? Are you crazy ? I frickin ' hate Christmas . " I love bringing the Christmas funny . After about four days , I started giving gifts that played on some inside jokes we have , and she figured it out . I have to say , my favorite part was when she said the gifts were actually starting to freak her out a bit , and then she called me an " evil genius . " Oh man , it 's nice when someone else thinks you are an evil genius . Dickens was amazing . From the laughs that happened every time CSB ( Mr . Barnaby Woodcock ) introduced me as Ms . Charity Strokeswell ( and thank goodness he did , I can barely say it with a straight face ) , to the generosity of my lovely friends , and the amazing compliments I received on a daily basis . Thank you all for the greatest holiday gift I could possibly receive . . . an over the top reminder that I am part of an amazing group of people . I can 't remember the last time I blushed so often ( you bunch of silly people ) . I wish there were some way I could give back as much as I received . You really have no idea how much you people mean to me . I 've been fighting it for a couple of days now . First a sore throat , then a couple of sneezes , then a LOT of sneezes , and now the stuffiness . Yes , I 'll finally admit it . I have a cold . Just in time for Winter Break . Although yesterday I wanted to write about Dickens Fair , and I wanted to write about work , and I wanted to tell you about my evil genius secret santa scam , today all I want to do is curl up on the couch with my box of tissue , my lappy , and my blankie ( and really , I wouldn 't mind having CSB to curl up with me . . . maybe make me some tea every now and again ) . So , here it is , the unceremonious " I 'm sick " * pout pout poor me * blog . Oh . . . and I 've changed my mind . . . I don 't want soup any more . I want extra spicy red beans and rice . Spicy enough to scare the germs away and clear the sinuses . One would think , after all this time , working with this " demographic " group of kids , there wouldn 't be much that could shock me . But , there are times when I 'm floored . In my sixth period ( health science ) class today , I decided to show the movie Freedom Writers . It isn 't necessarily " on topic " at the moment , since we 're working our way through a unit on substance abuse . . . but it 's Health , I can get away with pretty much anything . Especially with this group of kids . I 've actually been told , " most of these guys aren 't going to graduate anyway , the most important thing you can do is keep their behaviors under control for those 56 minutes . " But , there are times when I actually feel like I have their attention . Of course , when those moments happen , I 'm overwhelmed by the amount of information I would like to give them , and I don 't know what to do with myself . Today , during this movie , I actually had their attention . And , at one point , the teacher character ( played by Hillary Swank ) is talking about the Holocaust . . . she 's comparing the student 's ( self - imposed ) segregation and gang activity to the way people were treated during that period . As I was sitting there thinking about the comparison , one of my students pipes up ( remember , these are Juniors in high school , 16 - 18 years old in this class ) , " what is the Holocaust ? " I respond , " Wait , what ? Are you serious ? " Three or four other students chime in : " No , I don 't know what that is either . " " Is that a type of food ? " " No , stupid , it was when they didn 't let people listen to music . " " I 'm not stupid , you 're an asshole ! " " You 're all stupid , it was because things were really expensive ! " O . M . G . Keep in mind that there is only one white kid in this class . . . and she tells everyone she 's half Puerto Rican ( even though her last name is so Italian it 's not even funny ) . And not one of them , at an average age of 17 years old , knew what the Holocaust was . . . not one of them had even heard the term . I was shocked . So , I pause the movie . First question , " who is your history teacher ? " Not surprisinglyposted by I 'm sure I 've mentioned it before . . . I am a California Girl . No question . Seriously . . . ask me if I want to go play in the snow , you 'll see me shudder , and have a very minor seizure . . . I get tics and fits just thinking about setting foot in the snow . Not that I won 't go somewhere that it snows , just don 't expect me to actually go out in it . I 'm fully happy to sit inside , sipping a nice warm adult beverage , sitting by a fire , looking at the beautiful landscape , and reading a book or blogging or something . The last time I was somewhere while it was snowing was when I was in Reno visiting Drew while he was in the hospital . I found myself in a casino in the middle of the night ( shocking ) , my friends were gambling , and I was done for the night . . . and for some reason , I decided to step outside . It was just beginning to lightly snow , and there was a light dusting on the ground . . . at that moment , it was perfectly quiet on the street , and for the first time in my life , I understood why people enjoyed snowfall . It was beautiful ( although damn cold ) . I do remember driving up for Drew 's memorial service ( 9 or 10 months later ) , and stopping for gas . I opened the car door , and stepped ankle deep in a pile of slushy snow . ick . Funny , that would have been the first time CSB saw me react to having to deal with snow ( " omg ! get it off get it off ! ! " or something like that ) . I 'm pretty sure he laughed at me , then laughed even harder to find the gas station closed , and I had to go somewhere else . . . in the snow . Fast forward to today . . . about two years later . For those of you who don 't know , I am currently living in a " converted " garage . " Converted " means that the floor is linoleum tile squares stuck to the concrete floor ( yes , there is a big rug over most of the floor ) . About three feet from the garage door , there is an uninsulated sheet rock wall to protect me from the great wilderness . Hey ! I think if you live less than two miles from a wildlife preserve / bird sanctuary , and practically IN the delta / slough , you are allowed to call it " wilposted by Who knew ? Yes , my mom has been worried for years . . . " do you know what women used to go through ? " " they had feinting couches for a reason . " " women 's bodies were permanently changed because of fashion ! " " just be careful , don 't lace these things too tight . . . " After 13 years of Renaissance Faire , and five years of Dickens Fair one would think I 'd be used to corsets and bodices . . . one would think I would know my limits and how to eat and drink while wearing such a contraption . Apparently . . . * shrug * . . . not so much . Last Friday was the opening day of Dickens Fair . Having purchased a new ( to me ) costume ( pictures to come as soon as Mr . Nanning sends them to me ) , I was very excited , couldn 't wait to get dressed and onto the streets of London with my gentleman escort . So much fun to play a " proper " Victorian lady . Stepping up to the pub at Mad Sal 's . . . people looking shocked when I 'm unescorted . . . a Lady would never go out in that part of town without an escort . Of course , when I 'm there alone , my escort is usually getting ready to go on stage , and I can give them a cheeky look and tell them that my escort is " indisposed in back , leaving me completely to my own devices ! " Oh yes , shocking , I must say . * gasp * So , I felt fine all day , though the day flew by . I made a couple of purchases , and christened a new goblet with champagne . By the time CSB 's 2 : 30 show came around I was pretty hungry , but decided to wait until after he finished dancing to start prodding him for lunch . Luckily , the Victorian Lady doesn 't have to smile , she is proper and stoic , and can lean on her escort and be in quiet pain with a blank look on her face . All she ever really has to say is , " Happy Christmas . " with a curtsy and a small smile ( or grimace as the case may be ) . When the show was over , I was famished , and Bangers and Mash sounded PERFECT ! Not to my squished tummy , but to my brain . . . yes , the brain wanted Bangers and Mash . . the tummy . . . well it wanted a bit of water and a soda cracker . No wonder those Victorian women got their corsets so tight . So , of courposted by I mean really . . . you see that face in the middle of the road looking stunned and frightened , cars whizzing by . . . there wasn 't even a little evil part of me that wanted to know what it would look like squished . So I pull over , give the ShortBus a handful of crackers and a coloring book , and tell him I 'll be right back . . . after I save the doggy . Go SuperMommy ! Unfortunately this little punt of a pooch has been scared to death , and now not only is he running around in traffic , but I am too . Standing on the sidewalk calling him isn 't working , running willy - nilly through the intersection trying to scare him out of the street isn 't working , making all kinds of stupid noises and faces , pretending I have food , throwing goldfish crackers to tempt him . . . not working . As I 'm standing in the middle of the intersection doing one or all of the above , I notice a police car , top speed , lights flashing , coming my way . As he flies through the intersection , he has the courtesy to slow down for a second to yell , " that 's what leash laws are for lady ! " out the window . Golly , thanks . It took everything I had not to give him the finger . I mean , I 'm generally cynical about humanity , but at least I 'm not an a - hole about it . At some point the little shit dog decides the safest spot for him to hide is under my car , and why not ? It 's not going anywhere . Ugh . ShortBus seems fully amused by the situation , and as I 'm crawling around in the street under my still running car , I 'm talking to him through the window . . . and all he cares about is , " mommy , can I see the doggy ? I want to get out and see the doggy . " Yeah kid , you are SO NOT getting out of the car right now . I finally decide to grow a pair , reach out and grab the shivering little beast , and figure I 'm going to get bit . No time to sniff my finger to see if I 'm friend or foe , you are coming with me . Pulling and dragging , I get him into my arms . Now what ? Well , I suppose now I have to take him home . . . what else can I do ? The ShortBus decides that we should name him Hot Wheels , and no matter how manposted by Sitting in a booth at Denny 's in Auburn on Sunday morning , I notice the people in the booth on the other side of us . In particular , I notice the scruffy young man ( maybe in his early 20 's ) wearing a t - shirt with a picture of Gandhi on it . I think : " that 's kinda funny , I don 't think I 've ever seen a Gandhi t - shirt before . " Minutes later the waitress shows up with the table 's order . ( this is where The Funny ™ comes in . . . ) She serves Gandhi Guy last . I have never seen such a huge mountain of Denny 's food in my life . I mean literally , the plate was piled HIGH with what looked like hash browns and eggs . THEN . . . she sets down a SECOND heaping plate of food . Seriously , I can 't remember the last time I saw this much food set in front of one person . Of course . . . as I 'm looking at these mountains of food , I realize . . . Gandhi is just barely peeking over the pile . . . staring past the food , directly at me with really hungry eyes . The only way this could have been funnier . . . if the guy had opened the salt shaker and dumped the whole thing on his food . Oh ! No . . . wait . . . funnier : if it had been 14 lbs . of steak . I love birthdays . Well , that 's not entirely true . I love celebrating other people 's birthdays . That 's not to say I 'm good at gift giving ( I 'm not ) , and that 's not to say I 'm good at phone calls ( I 'm definitely not ) . But , when I get the opportunity to plan something nice for someone , and enjoy it with them . . . well , that 's when I love birthdays . A weekend away in Monterey at a lovely hotel , an amazing dinner at Roy 's ( thank you again Johnny ! ) , a beautiful sunny Sunday enjoying downtown Monterey and the aquarium . It was truly fabulous . I could take the time and find the words to describe what a wonderful weekend it was , but I really didn 't want this post to be focused on the weekend . I wanted to focus on someone special , how happy I am to be a part of his life , and how much I enjoy celebrating all the special moments of our lives together . There have been so many firsts that I 've lost count ( I actually had a count going for a while ) , so many things that might seem " little " to most people , yet have made me so happy I haven 't been able to find the words to describe the feelings . I had written off things like " romance " and " love , " assuming they didn 't exist except in fairy tales and cheesy chick flicks , and even if they did , I would never experience them . . . I 'm so glad I was wrong . Thank you for being a part of my life , for sharing yours , and for all the happiness that has come from it . . . Happy Birthday CSB . May each one only get better from here . As I mentioned , part of my job is " Case Manager " to a group of ' Special Needs ' students . These guys aren 't what most would think of when someone says " Special Needs , " most of them are just very low in reading and writing skills , and therefore have behavior problems . Makes sense right ? Can 't read or write very well , don 't think I 'll be paying much attention in Biology . But , I do have a couple of kids on my caseload who are a little more in my league . . . autism spectrum disorder , & emotional disability ( ED ) . . . the kind of kids I went into SpEd to help . Today I got to meet one of the ED kids . Dressed in jeans , a Jack Skellington sweatshirt , and Chuck Taylors ( with doodles and writing all over them ) , she was a little awkward , and definitely at that 10th grade stage of angst - ridden development . I knew her immediately when she came in . She was well spoken , polite , and got along well with the adults ( from what her teachers said , she has a couple friends her own age , but tends to get along better with older people and adults ) . As soon as we started discussing the results of her academic testing she started to quietly cry . It couldn 't have been the results . . . everything was scoring in the Average to High Average range . . . no one had said anything negative . I silently handed her a box of tissue , and gave her a small smile , as the " Team " moved on to discuss her Psych testing . Depression and anxiety came up , she has had a hard time focusing in class , sleeping at night , and although she does her classwork and homework , can 't seem to bring herself to turn it in . A story that sounded way too familiar to me . As we 're discussing different options , and making recommendations for her educational plan , we asked for her input , and thoughts as to what might help her succeed in high school . And , as she sat there saying " I don 't know " and crying even harder , I suddenly had a flashback , and knew exactly what that " I don 't know " meant . " I don 't know what is wrong with me , I don 't feel normal , I don 't feel right , I just want to be happy and do wposted by There are things one doesn 't understand until they 've had the opportunity to experience them for themselves . I never understood some of the things my parents said while I was growing up . The best example I can come up with , " Stop crying , or I 'll give you something to cry about ! ! " Now that I 'm a parent , and have experienced a frustrating tantrum at the end of the day over nothing . . . I fully understand the expression . There were a lot of things about my parents I didn 't understand until I had the opportunity to walk in their shoes . I honestly have always thought that teachers are ( literally ) crazy . No , not just when I was a kid . . . but all the way through my adulthood . I just figured they were all nutty . . . nature of the beast kind of thing . But now , now that I 've been walking in those shoes for a few months . . . well . . . yeah , teachers are crazy . But , not in the way I always thought . Imagine this : You go into work every day with a passion for what you do . You want to help , you give of yourself freely and openly , you make things as simple and obvious as you can to help the people you work with understand what it is that you are trying to show them . You take concepts , figure out how to explain them to someone who has never heard of them , you twist them into a million different shapes , and attempt to force that square peg into a round hole ( some days just WISHING you had a hammer ) . Of course while you are doing all this , you are being ignored , disrespected , called a racist ( and any number of lovely insults ) , and sexually harassed . Now you have to find the balance . . . somewhere among all this you have to walk the fine line of behavior control and actually teaching something . So , now you are teaching , disciplining ( its a word now ! ) , on top of those things : lesson planning , grading papers and recording that data , calling parents , and helping students with their homework . Now . . . add in that I am in Special Ed . I have a separate caseload of 15 students . Each with an individualized education plan ( that I am responsible for maintaining , posted by Friday : I leave work for the day and head to a local brew pub / restaurant for after work drinks with a select few coworkers . Wonderful idea . Honestly , if you ever get the opportunity to spend a couple of hours with special ed teachers when they are not working , do it . There is something special about this group of people , and the only way to find out exactly how special they are is to have a drink with them . I promise , it 'll be the best laugh you have all week . I left with a smile on my face ( and not just from the beer ) , and made my way to Oakland for a much anticipated weekend " off " with CSB . Once there , we decided on Sushi for dinner , and spent a nice evening at Kansai sitting at the bar . I can 't tell you how great it is to know everyone who works there , and be able to do silly things like bring the chopstick training wheels we found at a shop on the Embarcadero ( yes , the pink thing in the picture above ) . They really got a kick out of them , and I 'm looking forward to making another trip down to pick up a few more for the chefs and waitresses . Saturday : After working for somewhere in the arena of 9 weeks straight , my brain was beginning to melt . Even those last couple of weekends of faire didn 't shine so brightly . . . I was done . To sleep in until 8 : 30 Saturday morning was a beautiful thing . We slept , there was coffee , an amazing omelet , then after laying around all day in our jammies watching TV , he mentioned something about Dark Knight . . . which I STILL haven 't seen ( but , I 'm not bitter at all ) . That got me thinking about movies I wanted to see , but haven 't . . . I realized I hadn 't seen Burn After Reading yet , and after all , I am a huge Coen Brothers fan . So I mention that I really wanted to see it in the theater if it 's still playing . . . next thing I know we 're talking about the 5 : 30 show at Bay Street . Quick shower and we 're out the door . Yes , fish tacos from Rubio 's , a movie , then down to the little bakery for chocolate cupcakes to go with the Domaine Chandon Sparkling Red I brought to celebrate the end of faire . Needposted by Putting fingers to keyboard is pretty nearly the last thing I want to do at the end of a busy day , yet , it is possibly the most important thing I do for myself . Writing has always been one of the most important bits of my day to day life . Mostly I do it to entertain myself . I started blogging so I could chronicle my pregnancy , partially for myself , partially for The ShortBus , partially for the bunch of people that would call me every day asking how I was feeling . After The ShortBus was born , I wanted a place of my own to write about things other than mommy - ness . I started a few different blogs , but nothing was coming out in the right voice . . . until one day I decided to just relax and use my own voice . Let the words fall onto the screen the same way they fell out of my brain . Now I see how the traffic to my blog changes when I don 't write for a couple of weeks . I see how the few of you who used to check in regularly don 't . . . because I 'm not here . I do the same thing with bloggers who don 't post , I forget to read after a while . So , nine months out of the year I watch the number of readers grow . . . then for three months I watch it dwindle to nothing . November and NaBloPoMo are coming , and I will see the numbers grow again as I start to post more . The question is , is that really " for me " ? Yes , posting daily for a month is good practice . . . faire is over , time to start getting back into the habit again . So , a month of random stream of consciousness posting isn 't a bad thing for me . . . but really , how many of you want to read that kind of stuff ? Shouldn 't posts be substantial in some way . . . have something to contribute to the conversation ? I 'd like to start posting a little more about work , maybe even include some more personal details about my ( awesome ! ) love life ( with permission , of course ) , and I 'm planning to start house hunting soon . . . that should definitely bring The Funny ™ . But , with my weekends already basically full until mid - January , I 'm not sure how I 'm going to fit in anything other than posts that are very posted by . . . brought to you by the letter " D " and the number 19 . Tuesday afternoon after work , I had a voice mail from my attorney . Simply , " call us when you get a chance " . . . I 've been a bit busy , so I figured I 'd call Wednesday . As Wednesday came and went , I totally forgot . Today , I glance down at my calendar , and see the number sitting there , so I called during my second period break . Her ( paralegal ) : " did you get it yet ? " Me : " I haven 't received any mail from you . . . " Her : " oh . . well the final judgement is in the mail , you should get it today or tomorrow . " Me : " well , thank you , but that is somewhat anticlimactic . " Her : " usually people are really excited . " Me : " don 't get me wrong , it 's just that I was expecting champagne & confetti . " Once I got off the phone I cried some tears of relief . . . after a year an a half ( at least the legal part . . . ) , it is finally at an end . I am finally , " officially " divorced . And really , it 's funny , as I sat there getting rid of a bit of emotional congestion , I thought , " nothing is technically different than it was yesterday . . . I don 't plan to get married right now , so what does all this actually mean ? " It means I am finally , technically " free . " One of the biggest differences between my life right now , and my life two years ago is that NOW I have someone I want to share things with . Someone I WANT to share everything with . . . then . . . it was someone I HAD to explain myself to . I was driving to faire opening weekend , and thinking ( as one will do during a 2 1 / 2 to 3 hour drive ) , and realized : it is so nice to be driving toward something wonderful , versus driving away from something I want to escape . I 've always loved faire , and I 've always seen it as coming " home " after a year away . . . yet , it has always been an escape for me . Not anymore . Faire is a destination , it is driving TO a person and a place I love , versus AWAY from a life I hate . A lot of you said , " I 've seen the married Giddy at faire , I 'm fully afraid of the Single Giddy at faire . " I knew . . . from the first time I heard that sentiment , that you were posted by I suppose it 's nice not being the " last stop " in some kid 's life . Knowing that they get another chance if , for some reason they get thrown out of my school , should make it easier somehow . But , when you lose two of the " good ones " in one day , it 's tough . One is fairly quiet and unassuming ( in the classroom ) . He has a speech impediment , and because of it tends to be somewhat introverted . He is looking at expulsion for his second fight in three weeks , he 's done at a regular public high school ( at least for this school year ) . Ninth grade , and headed to continuation high school . . . yes , the system has failed him . In fact , most of the kids I work with have been failed in one way or another . The other , also not a kid that would stand out in a crowd . He is intelligent when he does come to class ( in my Biology class even ) , and seems to know his shit . But , in the last 20 days that he 's been enrolled in my class , has been absent 15 times , he hasn 't even been in class enough for me to give him an actual grade . He seems to be a good kid , will talk with me one on one , seems to be pretty honest about his troubled past , but said he wants to do better . The email I got today said that he is withdrawing from my high school because he 's in juvenile hall . I sat down with one of my students today and said , " do you plan on coming back after your birthday in November ? " He said , " Of course I do , just because I 'm 18 doesn 't mean I don 't want to graduate . " So , I said to him , in these words , " then what the hell are you doing ? You come to my classes every day , and do nothing . . . you are wasting your time . You are here , you might as well do some work and pass so you can actually graduate . Seriously , you are wasting your time and you are distracting your classmates from passing this class . " I give these kids every chance , and yet , some of them seem to just choose to fail . But , if you ask them , they will tell you they don 't want to fail . Yet , they don 't bother to even try . . . I ask you . . . what do you do for a 16 year old who won 't bother to do anything posted by I can 't believe a month has gone by with no blog posts from me . Makes me kinda sad . I 've been talking about writing for weeks . I 've written bits and pieces here and there in my notebooks and journals , but nothing that has found its way to the interwebs . I just haven 't had the time or energy . I am literally burning the candle on three ends ( somehow ) , and really , the wax is melting away pretty quickly . The job is perfect . Hectic , demanding , chaotic , insane , and stressful . Exactly what I 've always wanted . I 'm enjoying it very much . I really do have a lot more to say about it , but you 'll have to wait . Faire has been fun . It 's always nice to be out there surrounded by good friends , and lots of love . The attention whore that I am loves it . Between those two things , and trying to manage time with The ShortBus , and time for myself ( haha ) . . . not to mention trying to keep at least my little corner of the house somewhat clean , and the laundry done . . . well yeah , my little candle has a lot of burning wicks . My emotional state seems to be melting quickly , and I can 't wait to catch up with sleep and quiet time so I can regain some sense of stability . I don 't typically get PMS , but make up for it for six to eight weeks a year during faire . * snicker * If I haven 't seen you in person , I probably haven 't even spoken with you in over a month . For that I am sorry . I do miss many people right now , and can 't wait to catch up in about four weeks ( three weekends of faire , and one weekend of napping ) . I do realize how difficult it has been to get a hold of me , and that I 've even been bad at answering email , and all I can say is . . . I can 't wait to talk with you in a few weeks . * picture is TehShortBus " helping " me get my classroom ready * Really , I 've been meaning to write about my first day since Monday ( the actual first day ) , but honestly , I haven 't had a second to even consider it . But , I decided I wasn 't going to bring any work home this evening . I 've worked ( easily ) 10 - 12 hour days every day for the last two weeks , I think it 's time to take a minute for myself . And , when I say " for myself " I mean : have a beer and write a blog after working an 11 hour day and spending ANOTHER $ 50 on supplies for my classroom . When I finally fell into bed Sunday night ( yes , I worked from home for a good 5 hours Sunday , and spent 5 hours on Saturday actually in my classroom . . . then another 2 working at home ) , I thought I was right on track . Coffee was prepped , alarm was set , I was showered , ShortBus was sleeping . Excellent . When I closed my eyes I figured I was as ready for Day One as I could possibly be , given the very short time I was provided . Flash forward about 7 hours later . . . I wake up . It is quiet . Too quiet . Alarm hasn 't gone off yet . But , something feels off . Look at the clock . . . 6 : 15 . 45 minutes AFTER I had set my alarm to go off . Damn ! I jump out of bed , focused on the ONE thing that is going to save me from going crazy . . . coffee . Into the kitchen to be greeted by the lovely aroma of fresh brewed coffee . In a now adrenaline infused foggy morning haze of " OMGOMGOMGOMG ! " I go straight to the fridge for creamer , turn around and see a beautiful pot of coffee . . . all over the counter and floor . My persnickety coffee maker had decided it didn 't like the way I put the filter in . REALLY ? So now I 'm late , AND cleaning the kitchen . After a QUICK shower , I decide I should wake Teh ShortBus , so he has a minute to wake up and eat a banana before I shove him off to school . But , he decides he doesn 't want to get up . By the time we get to the car , he and I are both crying . Each for very different reasons . I make it to school five minutes before the first bell . Luckily , my first period class , at that point , was two stuposted by So , apparently my mom came across this purse at a garage sale . . . . I looked it over pretty closely , and it seems to be real ( though I 'm shocked ) . Its beautiful . Looks practically brand new . And , its all mine ! Kinda cool that the school colors at my new school are red , black , and white . Yes , I haz teh skewl spirit . . . in style . I came across these shoes two days ago , and fell in love . My first thought was , " no , I 'm not buying shoes because I don 't have a . . . . oh . . . wait . . . I do have a job . . . not only do I have a job , but I have THE job . " The one I anticipated , the career I 've been working toward . . . yep , I haz it . So , needless to say , I bought the shoes . . . Like I mentioned , when I first put them on , I felt like I had been transported to OZ . They fit perfectly , and are the most beautiful metallic garnet red you 've ever seen . And when the ShortBus noticed I was taking pictures of my shoes , he wanted me to make sure I included pictures of his . . . hm . . . wonder where he gets his attention whore tendencies . . . . I have been to meetings and workshops galore . I have been going non - stop . So much to do , and so little time . My head is spinning with names and faces that I can 't quite seem to match up . My desk is littered with business cards , all with the school district logo . I had to clear a shelf to pile up books , notebooks , folders , and paperwork . The only things I know for sure : I have a caseload of 19 students . I am responsible for all their paperwork , and evaluations , and I will have three major parent meetings in my first two months . These kids may or may not be in my classes . I teach four class periods a day . Three are science . . . though , not the same science . I have 9th grade Integrated Science , 10th grade Biology , and 11th grade Health Science . One is a math class . . . " Applied Math " and apparently the class combines students of all grades , but most will be 9th and 10th graders . All this basically means is that I will have to come up with four different lesson plans , versus someone who teaches 10th grade English and has one lesson plan they use throughout the day . My students are " Resource " students . Meaning they are just a bit slower than the rest in learning the material . I teach the same things as General Ed . teachers , only , slower . All my students are on a graduation track , and so will have to know specific material to pass the California High School Exit Exam . I have a stack of books ( teacher 's editions ) that weighs more than The ShortBus ( but is much less wiggly ) . And , at the moment I 'm just trying to put together some things to do in the first week of classes . Currently my desk and bed are covered with open books , folders , notebooks , and random sheets of paper . I feel so out of sorts when I 'm this ill - prepared . As a matter of fact , I 've noticed that not only am I just " out of sorts " feeling , but I 'm showing physical signs of stress too . . . my skin just can 't take it , and I 'm breaking out like a teenager , and not just zits , but welts , bumps , lumps , and itchy spots . I 'm over - emotional , under - prepared , and running in circposted by Yesterday , I got an email asking if I was interested in a teaching positon . They wanted to know if I was available for an interview this morning . Well sure . . . why not ? What the heck can an interview hurt ? After a 45 minute panel interview , I was sent outside to wait , and " come back when we call you . " After all this time . . . After every question I 've asked myself . . . I will not ask if this is what I want . Because I know that this is what I need . And , this is what I asked for . You are reading a post from the newest Local High School Special Ed . Math / Science Teacher . They offered me the job on the spot . I have no idea how I got this job . But , I did . I am insanely excited . The classroom is finally mine ! Yet , insanely scared . How am I supposed to be prepared to teach a class in less than two weeks ? No idea where I go from here , But , confident I can make it . What a difference four years makes . I considered doing a recap of his " birth story , " but really . . . I don 't think we need to go there . He was about 9 pounds . . . and took his time . Now he 's about 35 pounds , and seems to always be in a hurry . Just in time for his fourth birthday , he learned to pronounce " TH " properly . So , he was " free years old " all year long . . . now that he 's four , well let 's just say I 'm having a hard time not teaching him to say he 's " Thor . " Purely for the funny . Just the other day he asked me if I knew what a black light was for . In typical distracted mommy fashion , I said , " no , what is a black light for ? " He replied , " When it 's on , it 's for DANCING ! " Indeed it is . During the first year of his life I couldn 't wait to hear him speak . He showed personality and style all his own from day one , and I was dying to hear it come out . I have to say , I was right to be impatient , there is nothing in the world like hearing him say , " I love you mommy . " So many things go into being a mom . Every day I learn something new . . . about myself , about my boy , about the world . . . some days I learn a lot of things . Every day is an adventure . So , Happy Birthday to you ShortBus . May the sun shine bright , the laughter be plentiful , and the learning endless . I love you more than you know , kiddo . Last Friday night , I had the opportunity to adventure into San Francisco 's Mission district , and have a couple of drinks at Medjool . If you ever have the chance to drop in , definitely do . But , don 't just hang out downstairs . . . venture up to the roof . I know I should have looked at the menu , as a matter of fact , I was dying to . But , I was kinda hungry , and didn 't want to order some amazing overpriced dish . Judging by other people 's responses to the menu , and the girl that brought Popeye 's , I am guessing it was a yummy looking menu but the prices weren 't necessarily ideal . Honestly , I 'd love to go back and have dinner on the roof . We started the evening downstairs in the bar and restaurant . Very comfortable . Sofas , pillows , and overstuffed ottomans , combined with earthy tones created a relaxing place to sit and drink . The restaurant area didn 't look quite as comfortable , but I did notice a lot of people drinking champagne . So , obviously , this is a place to go when you have things to celebrate . . . and money to spend . After a beer downstairs , we headed up to the roof . And wow , what a view . Part of me was really annoyed that I didn 't bring my camera , yet another part was glad I didn 't . . . because really , I looked dorky enough texting Twitter the whole time . The service was definitely better downstairs , but with as crowded as it was on the roof , and as large as our group was ( and we were drinking , not eating ) , it didn 't surprise me . Go early , get upstairs , and get yourself a table . It is definitely worth it , even if you go just for a $ 6 beer , an appetizer , and the view . And , totally bring your camera ( I know I will next time ) . I finally did a " 100 Things About Me " meme . It took way too long . In the process of doing it , I thought of other things I wouldn 't mind " 100 " listing about . So I decided I would do a link so those lists wouldn 't take up space here . It will not be updated so very often , but as ideas and " things " come up . . . I 'll make other lists . I 'm actually working on a couple now . I 'll comment as those things get posted ( if they do ) . This is not why I haven 't posted in a week . I haven 't posted because I 've had a bit of writer 's block . But , I 've been given a little trick to help out with that ( thank you CSB ) , and I had a great weekend , so I 'll write something that actually qualifies as a post soon . For now , if you are interested , I give you the first post on the 100 Things link : " 100 Things About Me " * also , this link is now in the sidebar . . . near the top * The word is " Breathe . " And , it is one of my biggest pet peeves . You take a deep BREATH before diving in a pool . " She lost her temper and apologized in the same BREATH . " This is a Noun . When you inhale and exhale , you BREATHE . " Dragons BREATHE fire . " This is a Verb . You do NOT say , " I took a deep breathe , " nor do you say , " I felt like I couldn 't breath . " So , PLEASE don 't write it that way . Unless , of course , you are trying to send me into an apoplectic fit . Thank you . you may now return you to your regularly scheduled interwebs browsing . After barely sleeping Friday night , I woke up Saturday morning feeling . . . well , perhaps it would be easier to say that I woke up NOT feeling hungover . Just tired . Seriously . Tired . By mid - morning , we had dubbed Saturday " Camp Lazy . " The weather was perfect , and as the four of us who were still struggling to wake up dozed and giggled in the swing in CamiKaos 's back yard , Dr . Normal ( Mr . Kaos , Cami 's husband ) appeared . Doc : Is there any Cava [ Champagne ] left ? Cami : I don 't think so . Giddy : Yes , actually , I think there is a bottle left in the cooler . Cami : Unopened ? Giddy : Unless you opened it after I went to bed . * note : Giddy always knows where the last of the champagne is * Doc : What about pineapple juice ? Giddy : There should be some in the cooler , and half a can in the fridge . Doc : Would you guys like Pinosas ? * Giddy decides Dr . Normal is Brilliant , and even more awesome than he seemed the day before * I literally watched Dr . Normal make the drinks , go get straws , and deliver them to us , with my jaw on the floor . Not that I don 't know any guys who would do this , in fact I know several . . . though I didn 't really think about that at the time . What I thought was that this man just opened his house to seven guests ( the first arriving 24 hours before ) , fed us , purchased drinks , did all the work on the podcast , didn 't seem to mind having a bunch of screaming , giggling girls take over his house and back yard , and STILL offered , made , AND served us drinks in the morning . The last time I had a girl 's night and a husband at the same time , my ( now ex - ) husband seemed to make it a sport to be as grumpy and rude ( and generally unwelcoming ) as possible to our guests . It was a game he played , to see how fast he could get " my " friends out of " his " house by making them feel unwanted and uncomfortable . Luckily , I had a few friends that understood this game , and played ' annoy the asshole ' before they left . But , I digress . . . Once everyone had gone home , CamiKaos and I figured we should actually plan something to do ( or not do ) for the day . I believe posted by If divorce has taught me one thing ( and it 's actually taught me several things ) , it is that people are nice . Over those 12 - 15 years , I didn 't spend a lot of time with other people , I didn 't go many places , and I really didn 't have the opportunity to allow people to do nice things for me . I took care of myself , and made sure I didn 't " impose " on anyone , or get in any one 's way . I rarely asked for so much as a glass of water ( I can get it myself ) . . . in fact , unless I needed something heavy lifted , I really didn 't ask for help . At this point in my life , not only am I working on " asking " for things , but also just allowing people to do nice , helpful things for me . I still have a long road ahead , but I think I 'm making progress . Though , I do have this huge fear of people considering me " helpless " or " princess - y " in any way . You may be asking , " Giddy , what the hell does this have to do with Portland ? " Let me tell you . . . I was so well taken care of this weekend , I didn 't know what to do with myself . CamiKaos , MissBurrows , DrNormal , and MartinWehner are amazing . I was greeted at the airport by CamiKaos , and MissBurrows , who were holding a GIANT Camp Naughty sign , and getting plenty of attention for it . Then after grabbing my luggage , I got to meet MartinWehner , who was our awesome chauffeur . We picked up lunch at Burgerville ( YUM ! ) , then off to the Casa de Kaos to eat and prep for Camp Naughty . CamiKaos and MissBurrows Naughty Camp was great . I was excited to meet the other campers , and rightly so ! MediaChick , Verso , BadMom , and Joleine were so much fun . Recording the Strange Love podcast was a hilarious and enjoyable experience . You should definitely go and listen when you get a chance ( and if you are wondering , my interview is the last one ) . * * Warning : Sexually Explicit Content * * I really had a great time , and can 't wait to do it again ! Tomorrow , I 'll write about Saturday . . . which we dubbed " Camp Lazy . " And , my happy surprise on Sunday . I found some interesting shoes today . They are some kind of eco - friendly , hippie , vegan shoes . But , they are soft , comfy , light , and flexible ! Also , they have a " negative heel " . . . which means the heel is lower than the rest of the foot inside the shoe . . . somehow that 's supposed to burn extra calories while you are walking ( not to mention help your posture , and tone other muscles ) , but for me . . . it just felt kinda cool , and very comfortable . I can 't wait to see what it 's like to dance in them . I 'm going to wear them in Portland all weekend , I 'll let you know how that works out . Suddenly I 'm wondering if I should bring a " spare " pare of shoes , just in case . I 'll try to post some pictures of my own feet wearing them soon , but my camera is all packed away and ready for the trip to Portland . Maybe I 'll get some of the other Naughty Campers to pose for Shoe Porn pics with me . . . You may remember the little tomato plant I purchased for The ShortBus . The tomato plant he named Nero ( NOT Nemo like the fish , but Nero like the Emperor . . . I know . . . ) . Nero lived in the house for a few weeks , moving from room to room , chasing the sunlight , living the sweet life of central air and consistent watering . I was afraid to put Nero outside because every other plant I 've had here that has lived outside , I 've killed . But , Nero began to look a little sad . He longed for the freedom and fresh air that only the out - of - doors could provide . And , no matter what music I played for him , no matter how many horror stories I told him about " the outside world " ( cue dramatic music ) , he continued to droop and wilt under the oppression that is a roof . Right around the time I figured he was doomed , I had smothered him with my over - protectiveness and over - mothering , I figured I couldn 't do much more damage if I killed him on the front porch . Plus , then he could live out his last few days the way he had always wanted to . . . free to enjoy the birds and the bees and the fresh air . So , I put him out in the sun , gave him a liberal sprinkling of water , and crossed my fingers . It helped a little , but Nero still didn 't seem fully healthy . So , in my infinite wisdom , I decided he needed a little bit of plant food . . . then I remembered ! I was missing a key ingredient ! My brown thumb only turned green once I found Eleanor 's ! I ran to the store , picked up a bottle , came home and mixed ShortBus 's little Nero a cocktail ! Literally , the next day Nero was taller . Standing up straight and happy , and he had also developed a little flower . FOR REAL ! I was so excited ! Nero was going to live ! That was about a week and a half ago . I check him every day , water him when he needs it ( with Eleanor 's every time . . . I swear if I ever meet that woman I 'm going to kiss her full on the lips ) , I 've trimmed dying leaves , and speak loving words of encouragement to him on really hot days . This morning I stepped out on the porch , and decided to move him into the directposted by I know some will hate me for this , some will think I have nothing to brag about , and some will be indifferent ( wait . . . how is this different from any other post ? ) , but it is my reality , and thus , my blog for today . If you 've been reading , you 'll know that not only am I getting ready for a trip to Portland this weekend , but I 've been dancing . How do these things go together you might ask ? One word : Clothing . I really wanted to have a couple of ' cute ' things that fit to take with me to Portland , and as I was out shopping , I considered the dancing . . . . and how I am continually hiking up my pants while rehearsing . Can I just say , for the first time since high school my dress size is in the single digits . It is so amazingly great to take an armload of clothing into the dressing room and have to put things back because they are too big . To grab a smaller size , and have it fit perfectly , and actually look good . . . . just wow . I honestly can 't remember the last time I was in this place . I am proud of myself . And , now I have two pairs of pants I can wear to dance rehearsal that won 't fall down while I 'm setting and turning ( to be tested tomorrow night at rehearsal ) . So , I briefly mentioned a trip to Camp Naughty in a previous post , and there were a couple of people who commented that I couldn 't actually say " Camp Naughty " and then not tell what it is . Basically , it is going to be me and 6 other female bloggers ( I believe they are all in the Portland area ) , meeting up in Portland for an evening of . . . um . . . well , I 'm not entirely sure what it is we 're doing , but I know there will be drinks and laughter involved , so I 'm there . Plus , it gives me a chance to see a friend I haven 't seen since high school , and meet her family ( SO excited to see CamiKaos again after all these years ) . Not only that , but it will be a new adventure for me , as I 've never traveled out of state alone before . I shouldn 't have , but I picked up a new laptop for the occasion . I mean really , did you think I could travel out of state and NOT bring technology with me ? So , yes , they 'll be streaming it ( see the Camp Naughty site for upcoming details ) . . . and I 'll likely Twitter in updates . I was 19 years old , my roommate 's girlfriend announces that her cat is pregnant , and asks me if I want a kitten . Ex - husband ( at the time he was ' boyfriend ' ) says no . . . is adamant about it . . . we are NOT getting a pet . I look at her and say , " if one of the kittens is black with blue eyes , I 'll take it . " I thought , no way that 's going to happen . I mean , how common could it possibly be ? A couple of months later , she shows up on the doorstep with a kitten . Solid black , bright blue eyes , and I have a new pet . Chloe was a ball of energy , and feisty . . . she had to be , living in that house with all those guys , constantly roughhousing . . . she filled the role of dog for quite a while . She was one of those cats that would come streaking into the room from nowhere , climb the drapes , then jump from the top and run out of the room again . More than once , I remember looking at whoever was sitting next to me , and saying , " did that just happen ? crazy cat . " Every night ( from her first night with me ) , she would curl up at my chest , and fall asleep purring loud enough to keep the neighborhood awake . The one time she ran away , I was heartbroken . Two and a half weeks later I got a call at work , " I think I have your cat . " She was two miles away , and had been living in someone 's backyard , I was so relieved that she was alive that I sat down in a stranger 's back yard and cried . From that day on , she was an outdoor cat . Still friendly and loving , she never left the yard or garage , but she wanted nothing to do with being in the house . She lived 14 years . Kinda makes me feel old to think that my first pet ( after moving out of my parents house ) died of " natural causes . " Makes me sad to find out a week later from my 3 1 / 2 year old . My first memory of a KitchenAid is of sitting in my maternal grandmother 's ( that would be my Nana 's ) kitchen watching the mixer spin round and round , while she did other prep work . I remember fresh whipped cream , fresh home - made pasta , food with such flavor . . . tastes I couldn 't even begin to appreciate in elementary school . My grandfather sauteing mushrooms to go over the tender , juicy steaks he was grilling , big steaming bowls of baked potatoes , dishes with pristine white sour cream , creamy yellow butter , and vivid green chives . My Nana had a " gourmet shop " ( at least that 's what we always called it ) , a kitschy little store in Vacaville that sold all kinds of appliances and cookbooks for " gourmet cooking " . But , what I remember most clearly is the coffee . Giant bins of coffee beans . Coffee beans that would show up at the store in huge burlap bags , smelling fresh and strong , a smell I love to this day because it reminds me of the shop . The only other memory of the store I have is taking cooking classes , learning how to make pretzels . I remember sitting at a table with some other kids and their parents , and watching my Nana in the overhead mirror , being so proud that she was the one standing up there teaching everyone else how to cook . Being proud to be her granddaughter , being proud to be standing there with my mom , being proud to be part of three generations of women who have the cooking gene . I have a cookbook , with a handwritten message inside , addressed to my grandmother , and signed by Julia Child . I know there is a picture somewhere of the two of them together . How does this translate to today ? I may not be a gourmet chef , I can barely call myself a " foodie , " but I know what I like . I know when something is better than merely " good . " And , I love to cook and bake , moreover , I love to cook for other people . I wouldn 't want to do it professionally , that 's too much pressure . . . I 'd much rather cook for my family and friends , people I tend to understand , and like to think I know how to please . I kinda think that 's what aposted by NaBloPoMo is typically November , but , they 've decided to try out a " post every day for a year " concept . I decided not to join in , though they are offering a " theme " for each month . So , if you notice a lot of " Food " posts this month it is because this month 's theme is food . I might just attempt to post daily about food , but if I have something better to say , I 'm definitely going to say it . Oh , and I totally like food . Especially : Really Good Food . More on that soon . * the above is my official July 1 mention of food * So , I said I 'd write something about dancing . And , really , I 'd kinda like to do some more writing about my past , my childhood , and just some general insight on who I am today based on my past experiences . We 'll see how that works out . Memories of my childhood are spotty at best . I don 't have those clear , beautiful memories of youth a lot of people seem to have . Yet , some experiences in my adult life will cause little flashbulb memories to go off in my head . Almost like Polaroid photographs , I have feelings , concepts , and little clips of memory . Hearing CSB talk about deciding to dance with Bruno / Newcastle last year made me happy . Watching him dance , and seeing the smile on his face literally put butterflies in my stomach . Then I started to wonder . . . why is this making me so happy ? Yes , I love seeing my friends do things they love . I love seeing someone I care so much about doing something that makes him happy . I am a very empathetic person , and really enjoy that facet of my personality ( even when it 's difficult , and it often is ) . But , there seems to be more to this , I can feel it . When I was in elementary school , I participated in plays , talent shows , and dance recitals , I was in chorus , and even played the recorder and then clarinet for a while . I , apparently , was not a natural at any of this . I remember " being " Susan B . Anthony for some kind of historic re - enactment / history project , and telling people all about " my life and times . " I remember rehearsing to recite The Raven ( Poe ) for a talent show ( fifth graposted by ( Because my pictures of the ceremony came out a bit dark and blurry , I give you Gummy Worms in my cleavage ! " oooh ! A piece of candy ! " ) Can I just say . . . ( and since it 's MY blog , I think I can ) that I am terribly proud of myself ? Before I get started telling you how great I was , I really , once again want to thank CSB . Without him , the ceremony wouldn 't have sounded half as nice as it did . Without him , I wouldn 't have had the glass of wine before the ceremony that allowed me to calm down just a little bit . Without him , I wouldn 't have had someone standing next to me all morning saying , " don 't worry , you 're going to be fine . " And , I don 't know how to explain ( to him , or to any of you ) how huge that last part is to me . As is normal for me at any wedding , I jumped in and helped out where I could . I 've been involved in so many weddings , I seem to have a pretty good idea how they work . Of course , before the ceremony , I did a lot of pacing and reading over my part , and trying to get my hands to stop shaking ( again , the glass of wine , an invaluable tool ) . As the ceremony began , I found myself standing in the wrong place . I was told the bride and groom were going to be ON the stage , not on the floor in front of it . No problem , I step down without breaking my ankle or landing face - first in the bride 's cleavage ( thank goodness I chose to wear flats instead of heels ) . I briefly consider my brother 's wedding , where I had ZERO volume control , and yelled at everyone for a second before figuring out that I could bring it down a notch . I briefly consider the microphone that is stratigically positioned on the stage ( where we were " supposed " to be ) . I hear CSB in my head saying , " don 't worry , you 'll be fine , " and then , " remember , if you think you are going too slow , you probably aren 't , slow down even more . " And , then I begin . I hear my voice in the hall . I can feel it hitting the back wall , and NOT returning to slap me in the face . I hear it clearly and slowly pronouncing the words correctly , not stumbling over the slightly tongue twistiposted by |
Month : September 2012 Follow your heart Ultimately , I had to do what I believed in my heart was right . I had to believe in myself . I could not take anyone else 's advice . I had to realize that I knew myself better than anyone else knew me , that I was my own best expert . This is true for anyone . Even the label " mental illness " does not mean you are not the best authority on yourself . You are . Never allow a therapist to tell you that he or she knows you better than you do . It 's a lie . " Sick " does not mean " wrong . " That is only a Western concept . When I realized this , I rose above it . I realized I was right all along . I was never depressed again . I realized that depression is only a body response . So I keep it in my body , and never allow it to reach my psyche anymore . Unfortunately , I lost several friends over this . These friends believed that " treatment " was right and I was wrong . It was all so petty . Well , I was right all along . More and more folks are telling me this , not only that but I have folks in position of medical and legal authority backing me . Unfortunately , these former friendships are now down the drain , though . Was wellness worth sticking to my beliefs ? Sticking up for myself and not giving in ? You bet . Getting well is all about finding that voice . It means speaking out when you think something 's wrong . One of the best things I did was to fire my therapist . She kept saying , " Listen to me and you 'll be well . " And she also kept saying , " You belong in the state hospital . " What was I to believe ? I get scared of big promises from therapists . Like , " Anyone can do it . " Or , " If it didn 't work , then it 's because you didn 't listen , " or , " You didn 't follow my instructions and that 's why you 're not well . " These people are not gods . My last T kept saying stuff like that . It 's this kind of T that knows how to manipulate and wrap their patients around their fingers . Trust me , she had me convinced . I thought she was great . But she 's only human like you and me . A human being who , like many other therapists , got into the business to satisfy her need to control others . Yeah , I lost friends , a whole lot of them . I don 't really have close friends right now , not people I hang out with or be buddies with or anything . People keep a safe distance . But this suits me just fine . I 'd rather not have close friends . I 'm comfortable with the way things are . I 'm happy being a well person who speaks up for herself and stands up for what she believes in . If nobody else likes it , they can go to hell . And sometimes , you know , they do . Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 28 , 2012Categories News about MeTags FriendshipLeave a comment on Follow your heart Whom can you count on ? Your pills , or the shrink that prescribes them ? Can we really count on our shrinks ? Those guys and gals that take the Hippocratic Oath ? I don 't think so . After all , they 're only human . Many are impeccably on time , but there are those that are chronically late . We all know the type , always running behind schedule . Their waiting rooms tend to be on the crowded side of course . The last patient bows out of the office , Kleenex in hand , sobbing maybe . Oops . Another one bites the dust , we tell ourselves … who is next ? Then the next one leaves , gleeful , prescription in hand . Next ! Then one day , the doc goes on vacation and ten overly dependent patients are hospitalized . Or she takes maternity leave . Or he takes maternity leave and calls it something else . Twins and it 's twice as long . Triplets ? If babies keep popping out , this vacation might last years and the happy shrink couple could travel the world , spending your money , babies scrambling all around the boat , wining and dining at all the world 's ports . Of course , if you call a shrink , how often do they call you back ? Is this an indication of reliability ? Nine times out of ten ? Five times ? If they feel like it ? In an hour or two ? If you have a deadly rash , maybe you 're best off getting seen right away and not waiting a day or two or three for that return phone call . Cuz by the time you get called back , that deadly rash might be , er , deadly . On the other hand , if what you have is a bug bite or two , I wouldn 't recommend either calling your shrink or biting the bug back . Neither will get you very far . Are your pills more reliable than your shrink ? If it 's an antidepressant , I can guarantee you , the pills may or may not work . I can guarantee you that it 's hit or miss . If it 's an any psych med , I can guarantee you that there 's a good chance you may get side effects , and these may or may not be serious side effects , that you can count on . You can count on being scared of tardive dyskinesia if you take an antispsychotic , whether you end up with TD or not . You can count on everyone having an attitude about you if you take psych meds . You can count on the " raised eyebrow . " The look . The discrimination . The assumptions . Especially if you take , or have ever taken an antipsychotic . So what 's your mental status today ? Yeah , you can count on that question whether it 's relevant or not . You can count on being discriminated against on the job unless you hide the fact that you take psych meds . Yeah , there 's such thing as the ADA , and yeah , it 's 2012 , but that 's on paper and reality is that folks are uneducated and folks make assumptions and you know who discriminates the worst ? Did you show up at an ER with chest pains ? And you take psych meds ? Oh , they 'll assume it 's anxiety right off the bat . You can count on that . You might drop dead , of course . But if you 're lucky , you 'll almost drop dead but not drop dead , cuz then , you can sue for misdiagnosis due to discrimination . Oh my goodness and then get filthy rich . Now you can share some of this green , green dough with me , please , because I 've given you this lovely idea , right ? Right ? Yeah , you can count on the drugs to do all that for you ? It 's near the end of the year and you can count on insurance switching over come January 1st . So you show up at the pharmacy on the 2nd , the day or the long , long lines , only to find out about insurance non - coverage , just like everyone else in the long , long line at the pharmacy , with the pharmacist who has Oxycontin Headache Number 27 ( trust me , he 's got it medicated , he saw it coming ) . He 's got all 50 insurance companies on the line at once , on all 50 phones that the pharmacy has , hanging up this phone and picking up the next , with doctors on the line as well , the ones that have already returned from their wining and dining vacation in Alsace - Lorraine or Italy or Switzerland or whaling in Australia or snorkeling in Antarctica . Hopefully , this pharmacy has cordless phones , otherwise , the lines are tangled and a few pharmacy assistants are strangled , either by accident or due to someone being very , very frustrated . Yeah , you can count on all this , or at least you can count on me joking about it . Can you count on your dog ? You bet you can count on your dog more than you can count on you pills or your shrink . If you did what the humane society told you to do when you adopted your puppy , he or she isn 't going to go on maternity leave of any sort anytime soon . As for other patients , you 're covered , your dog has lots of patience just for you . You 've got to have patience for your dog . Your dog is always on time . Your dog will wake you up on time and remind you to walk and feed him or her on time , too . If your dog is like Puzzle , she 'll remind you to take your meds on time and do a bunch of other things on time , too . A dog will make a " present " on the ground ( or on the floor , if you goof ) for you to clean up , reminding you to be a good , good citizen . A dog is someone to take care of . A dog will never serve divorce papers . You can count on that . A dog doesn 't know what Facebook is . A dog doesn 't know who is president and who is rich and who is poor . A dog doesn 't know when it crosses state lines or the border of a country . A dog has no clue what religion is . When my dog is in church , she hears my minister 's big voice on a microphone . She knows I stand and I sit . She hears children . Then , the children leave to go to religious education , and only adults are left . Sometimes , we sing . Sometimes , I cry . What else does she know ? I think I can count on my dog 's sense of mystery and wonder in the world , whether we are in church or elsewhere . For certain , she senses a larger spirit of life , something beating in all of us . What is it ? What is it ? Is it in the thunder ? Puzzle is scared of thunder . The big voice in church is only a man , magnified , but thunder is not a man . Thunder is air . Thunder is clouds . You can count on that . And then , the thunder is gone . You can count on me , writing this silly stuff , sometimes every day , sometimes taking a break for a day or two days or a bunch of days , but I seem to come back and come back with dumb stuff , sometimes pissed off stuff , sometimes stuff that makes other folks pissed off too . You can count on my bad grammar , and you can count on me not giving a hoot about it . You can count on a glitch in cyberspace taking out your Internet connection and not being able to access this blog every now and then , but more or less , I 've been around since 2005 on hotmail 's blog venue , now defunct actually . Have you been following me since then ? Have I been counting on me since then ? Naw , not long ago , I wasn 't exactly counting on me . I was thinking about this while walking in what I call " the woods " ( not exactly woods , but Watertown 's version ) today . You know , around 2011 until sometime in 2012 , I used to go to bed thinking I had no clue if I 'd wake up alive in the morning . That happened so much that I even got used to it . I 'll bet a lot of very elderly folks get like that , going to bed thinking , " I might die in my sleep tonight , " and thinking that night after night . Well , this was exactly how I felt , going to bed every night , only I 'm not elderly , far from it . See , I had an eating disorder and folks with eating disorders take this risk . Folks with eating disorders live on the edge . I lived on that edge . I still live on that edge . Only quite a bit backed away from it . Rather safely , I 'd say . I 'm out of the woods now . Anyone can die anytime , and freak things can happen , but I don 't starve myself anymore , and I don 't binge anymore , and my weight is just fine and stable . I 'm happy and I love life . I look forward to each day and when I go to bed , I assume I 'm going to wake up fairly soon and start a new day , a new challenge . As a matter of fact , I assume I 'm going to enjoy myself the next day , and I always do . And you know something ? This living business means responsibility . Naw , I 'm not talking about just that dog of mine , the one I can count on . Not just her . And naw , there 's no one else I 'm taking care of besides me . But the world . Folks pop out of nowhere and I never know when someone is going to need me . Just someone out of anywhere . Someone wants to talk . Someone wants me to sit with them . Someone wants me to listen . Someone has an eating disorder . Or someone has an experience I 've had , and I can help . It happens so often that I am truly amazed . I find myself a helper more often than I am helpee . If nothing else , Puzzle helps someone else , not just me , but she shares her goodness and her joy and her love and her innocence and her little kisses . Whom can you count on ? Your pills , or the shrink that prescribes them ? Or me ? Or Puzzle ? Or God ? ( Okay , okay , I 'm not going there . ) How about yourself ? You are the one that opened your browser and clicked on my blog , or discovered it in the first place , after all . If you are short like me , then you can count on being very , very tall , because with my six legs ( four have paws , you see ) we are truly the tallest and furriest tall tail that ever happened to eating disorders recovery that I know of . And one of us has a fuzzy face , too . Now that 's something . Two - faced and not even lying . Only they say you should let sleeping dogs lie , shouldn 't you ? Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 25 , 2012Categories Humor , PuzzleTags JoyLeave a comment on Whom can you count on ? Your pills , or the shrink that prescribes them ? On Being Unfriended I was unfriended on Facebook . Anyone who has ever been unfriended knows how it feels . I think I noticed fairly soon afterward and I asked myself , " How could such kind , thoughtful , mature folks commit such a rash act of hostility ? " I ran into them ( it is a married couple I 'm talking about ) shortly afterward and there was no talk of it . I pretended nothing had happened , as did they . We have had no in - person contact since , in fact , there has been no contact whatsoever . We simply haven 't run into each other . What next ? The first thing that happened was that I fell into a state of mental shock . Was this for real ? But , yeah , looked that way . I couldn 't " like " anything and nothing showed up . It was like I was invisible all of a sudden in their eyes . I couldn 't ask " why " and no tactic to undo all the mistakes I 'd made seemed tactful enough . Right then and there , " I 'm sorry , " seemed about the dopiest thing I could say . So I got off Facebook . I couldn 't stand the thought of it any longer . Their absence was like a huge hole . Oh yeah , I have a fair amount of " friends " now , folks from my graduate school , mostly people I haven 't met but know of by acquaintance or have met once or twice . Facebook asked me if I was sure I wanted to get off . I told Facebook it was " temporary , " that I 'd be back , and I clicked myself off . It felt halfway decent , I must say , to be away from it all . It wasn 't the pettiness that bothered me so much , but what Facebook is lacking so dearly . Sure , we all get tired of the repeated political messages , pleas from homeless kittens , daily messages from God , and so on , but Facebook reminded me nonstop of the loneliness in life , of our separateness . We don 't pick up the phone anymore . Never mind write letters or even e - mail each other . Is anyone even talking ? I was off for a few weeks . It felt decent . Life was pulling itself together in many ways . A lot of it was just plain good luck , being at the right place at the right time . I 've been very happy lately , in fact , I 've been happy for a long time . Just grateful to be alive and on the planet . I 've been active , going out so much that I had to purchase a monthly transit pass instead of paying per ride as I usually do . I find that I feel quite at home conversing with complete strangers . They admire my service dog , saying she is cute and funny . Well , by golly , I , too , can be cute and funny when I want to be . Finding myself can be fun . Then , it looked like the Kindle version of my recently published memoir was all set and available . I needed to get back onto Facebook and publicize this . What to do ? I decided to reinstate my Facebook membership . Facebook was very happy about this , apparently . Welcome back to Facebook . So I publicized . I said nothing publicly about having been gone . A bunch of folks from my school " liked " that my book was out and " liked " a bunch of other stuff . Suddenly , something came to my attention . Someone I knew needed my help . A young person , someone not from my graduate school . Yes , I found out through Facebook . The person reached out in the quickest and most efficient way she knew how , at the last minute . Thankfully , I got the message , though it wasn 't intended specifically for me , but for her " friends . " Or maybe for the world . I took action . I reached out . I feel proud of myself . Over the past few days , a bunch of life - affirming things have happened and few people have reached out to me in very subtle and not - so - subtle ways that mean a whole lot to me . I sent e - mails . I made phone calls . I even talked to my brother and my sister - in - law . My own body has sent signals to me . First of all , I was sick this weekend , some freak occurrence , and passed out in the bathroom . Hours before this happened , a revelation came to me . I was sitting at my desk writing . Funny how these things happen when we are at a state of medical extremes . I figured out how I recovered from my eating disorder . It 's a good thing I wrote it down . I don 't even remember writing it : That was all I wrote . That was about all I had the chance to write or wanted to write or needed to write . Then , I guess I fell asleep , or ran to the bathroom and passed out . Somehow , I pieced it together and made it to church . I picked up the mess I made in the bathroom when I went crashing to the floor . I dressed up and looked halfway decent for church . I struggled to walk there . It seemed to take twice as long because I felt weak . I reminded myself to remain seated during the hymns instead of standing , because a sudden change in position could cause me to pass out again . I sure wouldn 't want that kind of embarrassment in church . But I eat now , and my eating disorder is only a remnant , having left me a while back . Just a freak occurrence . Things like this might happen now and then . It 'll take a while for the body to catch up . I stepped inside the building . All of a sudden , warmth . I was taken back to a year ago , when I first entered the church and was welcomed , a person off the streets , a complete stranger . I was still just as welcome . Folks still said hello to me just like before . People asked how I was doing . I asked how they were doing . Only now , we knew each other by name , and I have joined the church . Everything about church is always so awesome . It felt okay to cry in church , too . We blessed the teachers today during the service and we spoke of how important the teachers were in our community . Our minister spoke about anxiety and worry during the sermon , and I wondered how much this related to my own pettiness . After church , social hour . I met someone new and welcomed her and we walked back to my home together and she walked onward . I gave her my card . Then , I slept for the rest of the day and slept well last night . Fine , but I was still unfriended , and being unfriended still sucked just as much . I obsessed over this far , far too much , and I hated that I obsessed so much . Beat myself up for making a mountain over social media , because I hardly spend any time at all on Facebook . I stood in the kitchen . What am I going to do about this ? How can I handle this maturely and directly ? Would I confront them ? Surely , they had made an active , perhaps hostile statement toward me , and it had been done for a reason . I told myself I 'd have to do something . I couldn 't ignore the situation . Feelings were feelings . I couldn 't say , " You made me feel such and such , " because this wasn 't true , all these folks did was a few mouse clicks and that was that . No , the feelings were mine , and I needed to own these feelings . I would be direct . I would be polite . I would not beat around the bush . I would not be sarcastic . Oh please , anything but that . But what was it that I really wanted ? Did I want an apology ? What good would that do ? Perhaps , on the other hand , I should thank my friends for unfriending me , thank them from the bottom of my heart . See , they are still my dear friends , and I know they love me , and they care about me still . They didn 't unlove me . Nor was what they did an act of " tough love . " No , I don 't know why they did what they did . Maybe they did it because they were reacting to some kind of feeling they had that I gave them , an energy . They made a decision . Maybe their reasons were private . Their decision had an impact on me . You could say a big impact . It got me off Facebook . It got me appreciating Life Without Bullshit for a few weeks . Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 24 , 2012Categories Ramblings and Blog EssaysTags Friendship2 Comments on On Being Unfriended The body has some catching up to do They say it takes a while , after anorexia , for the body to figure out that it can stop preparing for a famine . I guess that 's why they say it takes years or even a lifetime to physically recover from a lengthy period of self - induced starvation . Folks who fast for religious reasons tend to take precautions . I assume that each religious tradition has ways of protecting the body and nourishing in other ways besides physical food during times of fasting . I recall when I was a young child we 'd eat a lot the night before Yom Kippur , and then go to temple all day . There was a feeling of cleansing oneself of sin ( if you believed it ) . Some people ate an awful lot the night before so it didn 't really matter if you ate much the next day cuz you really weren 't that hungry till nighttime anyway . Others were quite hungry . Then , traditionally , folks ate quite a lot that night , breaking the fast . We would not drink wine at temple while praying about our sins . Drinking wine on empty tummies would have been dumb because a lot of people would have gotten sick . Whether or not there was a policy on drinking water , I don 't recall drinking much water at all during the day . I think that was my mom 's problem . We sat at temple all day and no water was passed around . She 'd get real sick . Finally , she said she was getting too sick each year and was not going to fast anymore . In 2002 I took a class on Eastern religions at Emerson . I kept mum about my history when we discussed fasting in Buddhism . The teacher said that he had experienced religious fasting . He said the Buddhists are very careful about fasting and it is always supervised . He said if any of us wanted to fast we should do it supervised as well . He said also that he had a spiritual awakening while fasting , and that many people do . But everyone is different . Who am I to deny a person their miracle ? Of course not . If someone feels something , they feel it and I will not deny it . I feel that I do not have this right . So anyway , I treat my body well now , but it does not trust me . It is always on guard . In terms of water , my kidneys are permanently damaged and they need to be handled with special care . This means that " water balance " is a big issue for me , and always will be . I was seriously dehydrated in July 2011 and still have not caught up . I woke up at 3am and here 's what occurred in the bathroom : Yep , I fainted . Totally unexpected . It 's hard to remember . I ran six laps yesterday morning and felt stronger than ever . I felt as though I could have run further but decided to postpone increasing by a lap until next week . Later , I had some rather bad diarrhea , and decided not to eat corn anymore , not in quantity anyway . It 's the second or third time I 've had a reaction like that . In the afternoon , I packed to go to the library , but received a phone call just prior to leaving . We spoke for a long time and I ended up staying home . The library is only open till 5 on Saturdays . I went to bed very early , at 8pm . I think I awoke at around 11 : 30 and went back to bed around 12 : 30 and felt crampy from my period , or I thought that was what it was from . Then , suddenly , I knew I was in trouble . Something wasn 't right . It 's like you don 't know if you should get up or get down . I had to use the toilet but didn 't know if I was going to make it over there . I grabbed my blood pressure cuff . It had been a while since I 'd checked those figures . I had to take my watch off to put the cuff on , but kept telling myself I didn 't want to lose my watch or my glasses , and needed to know where the phone was in case I decided to call the EMT 's , highly unlikely of course . I 'm not sure when it was that I passed out . I fell on top of that quarter - circle table in the corner . No broken glass as you can see , just dumped soap , and nothing liquid spilled . I 'm not hurt . I managed to get up and took my blood pressure at some point . It was 90 over 44 . And my pulse , which was in the mid40 's , and then dropped to 32 , and then was in the 50 's , and is now safely between 60 and 72 depending on what I 'm doing . Who the heck knows what that was … dehydration I guess . I feel super lousy today . I made it to church and I 'm glad I went but it took everything out of me and as soon as I got home , I ate lunch and crashed for three hours . My lips and eyes feel very dry , like I 've had nothing to drink all day . I 'm not particularly hungry or thirsty , mostly tired , but I know I have to keep up with eating and drinking so my body does not become dehydrated again . Tomorrow , my DMH person is coming over . If she expects me to go to the ER , she 's wrong . No way do I want to show up there and get misdiagnosed ( for certain , that 's what will happen cuz they don 't know ED in those places ) or risk getting sectioned again . Cuz if I got sectioned , it would be for no valid reason . Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 23 , 2012Categories News about MeTags Eating , SurvivalLeave a comment on The body has some catching up to do My new book Wow , I just discovered these journal entries from last year . I love these writings and there 's no reason they can 't be included in my new book as historical records of someone 's experience in a tough inner - city emergency room . I 've got all the entries in a " category " and they come up together . You need to scroll backwards I think . The link I 'm providing is to the beginning page . The first in the series is posted first , so you need to scroll up . Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 22 , 2012Categories ER seriesTags National Novel Writing Month , Writing on writingLeave a comment on My new book More plans for my new book … NaNoWriMo 2012 , essay - style ! Last night I thought that maybe writing a political satire was biting off more than I could chew , especially if I am going to do this for Nano . So I thought maybe if I wrote a series of essays it might work out better . I thought up eleven essays . The eighth I decided would require a great deal of research . That one would be a book in itself , maybe its own project . I would need to interview people , maybe put up signs getting people interested in talking to me and seeing where that led . Which would eliminate the eighth chapter , leaving me with ten essays . Perhaps I want to spend one - tenth of my tine and energy spent writing the book on each essay . That would be the total number of hours I spend on each … . theoretically . As it looks now , I could spend about equal time on each chapter because each one looks equally weighty . I have listed subtopics . Oh , if only it were that simple . But it could be , couldn 't it ? Just go down the list … check , check , check . So I will arrive in North Carolina on the third . No writing that day . I 'll have the first and second to write . But maybe I should figure it all in terms of hours . How many hours per sub - topic . So if I have a master list , then all I need is a desk , a candle , and an inkwell , and I should be all set . To this day , I wonder if this is true . It is possible that he only dreamed it . That he wished it . Had he done the deed in real life , after all , it might have gotten him sent to " reform school , " whether such a place existed or not . And what became of the girl ? Did she ever find out about my dad 's secret desire ? Did they ever link up on Facebook ? Naw , only if she was Jewish , and then again , he died long before Facebook came into being . If she was a Shiksa , she never heard from him again , and married a Goy . Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 22 , 2012Categories News about MeTags National Novel Writing MonthLeave a comment on More plans for my new book … NaNoWriMo 2012 , essay - style ! Making Goals I 'm trying to prioritize right now , figure out what the most important things are that I need to accomplish . It 's so tough when I have a million ideas running through my head at once , just too many writing projects going on simultaneously . I 'd say it 's damn annoying every time I start a new project I don 't finish . It 's especially annoying falling asleep while trying to write . I 'm so damn tired a lot of the time . The fatigue overwhelms me and the only thing I can do is to abandon my project and collapse . I discussed this with my DMH person . I decided to list my writing projects and then prioritize them . I decided that it seems like November is too soon to be writing this political satire . I need to write something else . I need to decide soon what that something else will be . pretty much a description of what I thought was the cause of the " anger machine . " This is a phone call from the hospital when I 'm describing how I felt since October . It was all kinda unfolding just then . But what they discovered was that there was indeed something wrong with my kidneys , a condition called diabetes insipidus due to having taken Lithium for 12 years . The doctor who gave me lithium did not monitor my lithium level properly . My parents , I recall , were disturbed about this . I told them to mind their own business . They would call Dr . C and nag him . They had trouble with Dr . C to begin with over billing . He was in Massachusetts but not far from the Vermont border . They asked him to please become a Vermont Medicaid provider so they would not have to pay so much of the bill . He complained that it was too much paperwork . They took the trouble to mail him the paperwork and demanded that he fill it out . This went back and forth and the long distance calls were expensive for my parents . Meanwhile , writing the prescription for this lithium level to get done would have cost Dr . C nothing and my insurance would have paid for the blood test . But he insisted that if my level was off , he would be able to tell . Meanwhile , I was a shaky , pimply , bloated doped up mess . I was sick of the hour drive all the way to see him , never mind that I could barely keep my eyes open while driving . I believed he was more competent , certainly , than any of doctors in Vermont . There were no therapists around , only this doctor , Dr . C . and his multitude of pills , Lithium and one antipsychotic after another . Finally , I decided he himself was delusional , and I fled . I moved in with my parents temporarily with intention of finding my own place in the Boston area , somewhere , anywhere I could find a cheap apartment . I figure this was Boston and there must be more competent people in the Medical Hub of the Universe . What became of Dr . C ? Oh , I did find out . See , I found out through my friend A . Turns out Dr . C did not have a license to practice medicine . He got booted out . Yep , that 's right . I don 't know the whole story and I can 't find out any old dirt on him . I think it 's all become hush - hush by now . The institutions where he used to work have covered it all up . As far as I can tell , it 's all been wiped from his record . You can Google it and there 's nothing . I don 't see " malpractice " anywhere and I don 't see " practicing without license " anywhere . I don 't see any record of his having worked at Gould Farm , where I met him . I have no clue if he 's alive or dead . He was a nice guy I guess , just misguided . " A " said he had a secretary and she wasn 't doing his job , but to tell you the honest truth , I never saw this supposed secretary . I don 't think he had a secretary . I think he did his own paperwork . My parents would have known about this secretary because they would have gone through her regarding Medicaid . When I called him , he picked up his own phone . What was this " black box warning " I spoke about in the recording ? Dr . P , my current psychiatrist , says it was not a side effect of Imipramine , but that it was my paranoia . I must have begun to feel paranoid around the time I began taking Imipramine , or Desipramine , which would have been last fall , like October or so . I felt like I was getting the " black box warning , " that agitation feeling . I was really , really scared , and I kept it all secret . I thought what I was going through was from the antidepressant , but the antidepressant was helping with binge eating , so I didn 't want to stop the med . The paranoia didn 't go away and of course , I was surprised because I mistakenly thought it was temporary . I was wrong . I lived with it and lived with it . At the time that I made this recording , I was hoping that maybe they 'd find that this " anger machine " thing , whatever it was , came from the kidney problem , and if they could solve that , the whole problem would be solved . Well , they were wrong about that , too . As far as the anger machine went , they just threw their hands up in the air . I left the hospital with the problem unsolved . The only question that got answered was , " Why do I drink so much water ? " I left pissed off ( as you know ) , scared , angry , with nothing solved as far as my eating disorder goes , and of course I was thirsty and dehydrated . They didn 't even treat the binge eating I came in for ! They know nothing about binge eating there . They do not treat this behavior at the inpatient level and they should have been straight about this with me to begin with instead of stringing me along . So it was my psychiatrist , Dr . P , who told me that the " black box warning " I describe in this recording was not from the Imipramine at all . It was the insidious creeping up of psychosis as a result of being entirely off antipsychotic medication . You think you 're fine and you don 't know it 's happening to you . A doctor might ask , " Do you see things that aren 't there , " or , " Do you believe things that aren 't true , " but how do you know this if you are psychotic to begin with ? How do you know these beliefs are bizarre ? If you are psychotic , you don 't recognize that your beliefs are unusual . You think you are normal . You think something 's wrong with everyone else . When you are paranoid , you feel persecuted . You feel wronged . It 's incredibly uncomfortable . You have very low self - esteem , and yet when you are paranoid you are always the Center of the Universe . You are always very , very angry and you feel that everyone is angry at you and everyone is centered on getting back at you . Everyone is onto you . All eyes are upon you . When you walk into a room , they are all looking at you . There are always cameras . You are so , so important , and yet you suck . It 's so perfect being Jewish and paranoid . Oh , I can be anorexic and persecuted and paranoid too . See , I fell into the role . Any kind of disabled and discriminated against will work fine . I got back on my antipsychotic and poof ! Paranoia gone . Insomnia plays a role in paranoia . Problem is , anorexia causes insomnia . The insomnia I 'm going through now is purely physical due to past starvation . No , I do not have nightmares , I 'm not anxious or racy at night and I do not have poor sleep hygiene . Peggy Claude Pierre mentions this insomnia frequently in her book , which I am now reading , but I have not gotten to the specific cause . Apparently she is going to lay it out , or I hope she does . I 'm wondering if it has to do with protein or water balance . Lots of the girls at the hospital were given sleep meds , but I don 't want to go that route . Most were given Seroquel to make them gain weight , by the way . The nurse freely admitted this to me when I confronted her . The patients were routinely lied to about this side effect . So , what now ? Where do I go from here ? What goals do I set ? What can I accomplish ? How can I change the world ? How can make life better for folks like me ? Folks who are misunderstood and misinterpreted and misdiagnosed ? Maybe the first step is to make sure I keep after DMH and see to it that my " telephone rights " human rights claim from about three weeks ago is followed up on . So there 's a phone call I need to make . Those a - hole staff have not seen the end of me yet … when they see those walls built around the phones , they will be shaking in their boots , knowing that yes , that obnoxious patient they lied to and tried their darndest to SHUT UP did indeed get something done ! Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 20 , 2012November 7 , 2016Categories News about MeTags Changing the world , Eating , ParanoiaLeave a comment on Thoughts on paranoia , " treatment , " etc … When you are paranoid , you are the Center of the Universe , yet you suck Pork dinner for Puzzle ! Not quite done : Share this : FacebookTwitterTumblrEmailGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Author JuliemadbloggerPosted on September 19 , 2012Categories Puzzle , RecipesTags Eating , PhotosLeave a comment on Pork dinner for Puzzle ! My father was allergic to chocolate and peas … but he loved the darned stuff and " cheated " now and then . No , not peas . He loved chocolate . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
As you probably know , the UK yesterday increased its penalties for using a mobile phone while driving . You 'll now get a much bigger fine and points on your licence . Mobile phones are a useful thing and can enhance our lives - never again need I lose my mother in a shopping centre , and have to present myself to the lost child desk . However , we , in my view , are way too reliant on them and if we can 't apply common sense about when to use them then sometimes you have to use the law - and if that law doesn 't work sometimes you have to increase the penalties . I suddenly sound incredibly right wing , which I 'm not , in fact my leanings are toward the left , but I just think people are their own worst enemy sometimes . How many times have you walked along the pavement and someone has veered into your path because they 're walking along talking on a phone ? If people can 't even walk in a straight line then how they think they can safely drive a car , which is moving much faster , seems a little confusing to me . But maybe I am just being picky . People argue that it is no different to listening to the radio in your car , but I 'm not sure that I agree . The thing is that if you 're talking to someone on the phone , in your mind you transport yourself to where they are . Your brain works so that you see yourself as basically sitting next to that person - which is not ideal when you 're meant to be concentrating on the road . It isn 't the same as listening to the radio or talking to someone who is in the passenger seat because your brain doesn 't deal with it in the same way . I would also suggest that you don 't do the following while driving : read a book or newspaper ; wear a hat ( my driving instructor used to rant about people who did that , particularly old men in trilbies - " why would you need to wear a hat while you 're driving ? " ) ; have sex ; play a guitar ( yes that means you Mr Taxi driver at Waterloo station ! ) ; close your eyes , particularly if it 's in the hope that the big truck heading right for you will mPosted by I think I may have found a decent book to read . I like the author Thomas H Cook , who has nothing to do with booking a holiday , and have read various of his books . I have just started to read his book Red Leaves . He writes quite dark books and this seems to carry on it that genre . It is returning my brain to normal and restoring my faith in writing . I am also dipping in and out of this book . The plumber was due on Thursday , but it seems that he can 't make it now . Rather then tearing my hair out , I just feel kind of pleasantly surprised that he was polite enough to phone me so far in advance to tell me and arrange another appointment . It 's all about perspective I guess . He 's coming on Monday morning now . I am actually off work several times over the next couple of weeks to get various things sorted out , so I am hopeful that things will get sorted . Not only the plumbing , but also the burglar alarm installed , the sofa delivered and so on and so on … I shall slowly chip away at my leave in the hope that maybe one day I will carry less than one leave year forward . My neighbour came round last night for a chat , which basically involved her asking me how to plumb in a washing machine , how to hang a curtain rail , how to fix security lights on the outside of the property , what she should do about a cheque that hasn 't been cashed and various other things , none of which are an area of expertise for me , but I managed to sound as though I vaguely knew what I was talking about , but my advice mainly involved suggesting that she paid someone to sort it out for her . We also discussed extending our leases . I think the plan is that I get my solicitor to write first and then my neighbour will get hers to write and hopefully we will manage to get the agreement of the freeholder to extend our leases soon ( - ish . I 'm not expecting miracles ) . Anyway , I shall leave you with an important question to ponder . You can file this in the " be prepared " category and if you ever do end up stranded , you 'll be glad that you thought aboutPosted by Ages ago I said that I would comment on how similar I am in real life to what is in my blog . At last I will attempt to answer that ( if there are other things I have said I will return to then if you remind me I 'll try and do so at some point ) . On the whole I think I am fairly like the person in my blog . I have met up with a few people through my blog and the general comment has been that I am like they had expected . Of course , the obviously missing element in my blog is that you don 't know what I look like but I think I look fairly normal and people don 't tend to run away in horror at the sight of me . If you read through my blog you 'll see things that give you vague indicators of what I look like . I think I have probably mentioned things like the colour of my hair and so on and you can then conjure up whatever image you wish with those vague descriptors ( make it good though won 't you ! ) . In real life * , I think generally I come across as reasonably confident , but am actually rather shy and not terribly comfortable with new situations . I am also someone who would rather stay silent and only say things if I have something worth saying . Not that I mean that I find conversation difficult - I don 't tend to have lots of awkward silences with people and I will happily chat away about most things - just that I don 't tend to try and force my opinion on to other people . I would rather think things through and say something if it is helpful or going to give some insight etc . I am also someone who believes really strongly in keeping their word and my natural assumption is that other people will do the same ( naïve I know ) . I don 't like to give up on people , something that sometimes means that I end up putting myself in situations that cause me pain , but it is part of my nature to stick with it . I suppose I am also rather reserved and have quite a serious side to me . But I do really like having a laugh with people and will often have a joke with people at work and am generally seen as approachable . But I suspect yoPosted by I had a very exciting day yesterday which involved going round to my parents ' house to shampoo their carpets and then going to the library in the hope of finding various books to ease the pain of the one that I finished earlier in the week . I found various books that I wanted to read so hopefully the pain will be eased soon . Today I am going back over to my parents ' house as it is my sister 's birthday during the week and so she is going over there for lunch today . I ordered her present from Amazon and despite using the supersaver option , it turned up a couple of days later , which I thought was really impressive . I wasn 't home so one of my neighbours took it . I didn 't go round and pick it up from them straight away and so the next night there was a really loud knocking on my door and my neighbour 's three year old son was standing there in his superman vest with the package in his hand . My neighbour said her son had been desperate to bring it round and so had been a bit too enthusiastic knocking on the door . I shall now prove the power of advertising . I really like the song ' You 're lovely to me ' by Lucky Jim , which is purely through having heard it on the Kingsmill advert . Every time I heard that advert I looked up from whatever I was doing , so I figured I should track it down . You can listen to it in full here . Being an old softy at heart , I also really like the recent Bisto adverts . Let me tell you whilst there may always have been gravy with Sunday lunch when I was still living at home , it was always a miserable experience ( not the gravy , the sitting down to eat with the rest of my family ) . But I rather like the sentiment of people wanting to make the effort to spend ' quality time ' with their family . Gravy is always good anyway . When I was looking for that advert , I also came across an utterly appalling advert for Bisto from the 1980s . It brought the memories flooding back , but I have to say that I am glad advertising has moved on I went out for dinner with a friend from university last night . We usually meet in Victoria because it is quite easy for both of us to get home from there . Every restaurant was totally packed though and so we ended up walking through Green Park to Piccadilly and going to a restaurant there instead . I have no idea why everywhere was so busy , when we usually meet up it 's on a Friday night and we 've never had a problem finding a restaurant before . We had a good catch up and a bit of a chat about internet dating . Girl Dates London recently mentioned a dating site and I had a look at it a couple of days ago . Ignoring whether there is actually any talent on there , I cannot believe how er … forward some people are . I am obviously very naïve , but I was just quite surprised that various people seemed to say that they 're not interested in a relationship and just want sex . It 's not that I don 't think that there are people where that is what they want , it was more how blatant they were . But then I suppose that 's the point . I 'm not sure about the whole internet dating thing . I can see that it is a really good way to meet people , but may not be entirely good for the ego if not many people get in touch . Although I suppose if you are just looking for one person then it is more about quality than quantity . On a totally different matter , I shall leave you to work out what is wrong with the photo above . The chap on the right is the Israeli Defence Minister and was inspecting the troops . Apparently . I have returned to calm and serenity after yesterday 's rant . I haven 't quite decided what book to read next , it may take a while to get over my recent trauma . Give me time . I was slightly concerned to see this photo in the paper yesterday : The article was about how this chap had managed to develop such a relationship with the bird that he could hand feed it and then he said " he will take a worm from my mouth anywhere in the garden . " How exactly would you find that out ? There are also so many things that could go wrong with this scenario . If he inhaled at the wrong moment it might be rather a shock for both him and the bird . If the man sneezed , the bird could potentially go supersonic . Yesterday I opened the door and let someone into the place where I work . Technically , we do actually work together but just in totally different buildings . Anyway , we had actually never met each other before and we had a bit of a chat and introduced ourselves to each other and explained what each of us did and exchanged some banter for a couple of minutes ( for no reason because all I had done was open a door ) and I then wandered off to do whatever it was I had been on my way to do . But I did think " hmm there 's something about you that I kind of like " ( and I do mean in that special way … ) , which is just one of the most unlikely things that I would ever think . I never normally think that about people I 've known for a while , let alone someone that is basically a stranger . I do actually take some comfort though in the fact that I am possibly not entirely dead in terms of fancying someone ( and also a bit more shallow than I thought ! ) . The chances of me sounding out if this could go somewhere are pretty low as we work in different buildings several minutes apart and it would take some engineering ( for that read ' stalking ' ) in order for our paths to cross , but anyway it was pleasant to feel a brief bit of hope that I might be able to dust off my emotions at some point . * grins * Oh and the chap who I work with who likes me ( Posted by This is going to be a bit of a rant today , which will be of no interest to you unless you have read the book that I have just finished . So apologies in advance . Anyway … I just finished reading ' Want to Play ? ' by PJ Tracy ( which incidentally is a mother / daughter writing team ) . This plot in this book is described as " an elderly couple are found dead in a Wisconsin church , shot dead and then mutilated . In St . Paul , Minnesota a serial killer is copying murders from an online computer game . As St . Paul detectives Leo Magozzi and Gino Rolseth investigate the killings , Magozzi finds himself drawn to one of the suspects . Neither is yet aware of a link to the killings in Wisconsin , and a string of unsolved killings 10 years before . " Anyway , as I 've said , what I am going to write is likely to make no sense unless you have actually read the book , but I need to rant about it anyway . I thought this was one of the most preposterous stories I have read in years ! I will try and explain why without giving away the entire plot of the book . Basically we learn there is a serial killer on the loose and soon it seems that the killer is copying a computer game that has been on the internet briefly for testing . Who can the killer possibly be ? But as the story unfolds we learn that the people who wrote the game were themselves on the run from a serial killer who years ago brutally murdered several people and left one of the main characters so scared that she has had her whole house wired up to prevent even the smallest possibility of it being able to harbour a killer and she carries a gun , never goes out after dark and so on . So what does she decide to do ? Write a game which consists of twenty different scenarios where people are brutally killed - they even re - enact the killings - and then market this as a fantastic game for people to play . You wouldn 't write a game that trivialises serial killing - and you also wouldn 't do something that would potentially draw your own serial killer to you who you have spent years running fPosted by The monkey slept * on my bed on Monday night . Anyway , the thing that concerned me about this was not that the monkey has long arms that might wander but that I wonder if it could be the start of a slippery slope . You start with one small monkey and then soon you add a big floppy eared rabbit , then it 's a replica dog , a large panda and a collection of stuffed cats . " Just one more … " you think " It can 't do any harm … " Before long you turn into one of those people whose bedroom has transformed from a sophisticated and enticing boudoir to one that would be equally suited to a five - year old . A girl has a reputation to maintain and I don 't think I want mine to be one that involves lots of stuffed animals , so the monkey is going to have to find a new resting place at night . Sometimes I also worry that if I don 't monitor what I wear that I will suddenly start buying jumpers with large cartoon animals on the front or look at clothes in the shops and think " Ooh yes , I 'll buy that . That 's really ' fun ' . " Neither cartoon animals or ' fun ' should be part of the criteria when purchasing clothing - unless you are a children 's entertainer or some such occupation , in which case it might be acceptable during working hours but should never be worn in one 's spare time . I need to keep a check on that one . The other undesirable alternative is wearing clothes because they 're " comfortable " . You start by wandering outside in a tracksuit ( or , perhaps even worse , some tight fitting lycra ) that shouldn 't even be worn in a gym , let alone in front of poor unsuspecting people on the street . You then move on to wearing elasticated trousers and so much polyester that you might actually catch fire if you walk too fast . Then , finally , one morning you get out of bed and decide that you don 't need to change out of your animal print pyjamas in order to go and buy the paper and a pint of milk - and at that moment you realise your life has gone into such a decline that you will indeed be dieing alone … The monRandom Reflections It is good news dear reader . The campaign to find a monkey had been successful . I mentioned to my monkey obsessed colleague that PG Tips are currently giving away monkeys with packs of tea . She instantly sent me out on a mission to find said monkey . That 's right , I was brave and went out on my lunch break for once , and that surely shows how serious this quest was . I looked but the shelves were bare , I think others had been there before me , so I traipsed back to the office empty handed . My colleagues face dropped at my return , which obviously is not the ideal response . Anyway , I promised her I would go on a monkey search on the way home . I hopped off the tube part way through my journey and went to the supermarket . There on the shelves of Sainsbury 's were boxes and boxes of monkeys waiting to be released from their cages and taken back to loving homes . I released three - one for myself , one for the woman at work and one that I will probably give to my nephew . Look how well he has settled in already . I think I may also have found a new technique for trying to pull . I think this t - shirt could be the answer to all of my problems . Anyway , enough of all of this monkey business . Normal service will be resumed tomorrow . * wanders off to play with the monkey * I went out for lunch with my parents ' yesterday , we went to Pizza Express which was nice enough . My father did his usual thing of coming up with totally irrelevant things in the middle of a conversation . Mum and I were talking about a place I lived a couple of years ago being up for sale and that it having been on the market a couple of months now . My father then suddenly said " The other day I found out what the difference is between white and black pepper " and then went on to explain it . Very odd . He also asked if I would go away on holiday with them after Easter . Dad wants to go to Cologne but he thinks he might not want to do much while he is there , so in order for mum to have someone to do things with he was wondering if I would go as well . It would be a complete nightmare and we would just spend the whole time arguing so I declined . I had a cup of tea at the end of the meal . I had assumed that I would be given a pot of tea , but actually the waitress brought over a coffee cup ( it had names of different coffees written on the outside ) that had hot water in it and there was a tea bag on the side for me to dunk in it . I was also given some milk which was actually in a small cup rather than a jug . I was really surprised by this - I try and avoid drinking tea when I am out because it is normally so horrible and this was no exception . Pizza Express might wish to note that to make an even vaguely decent cup of tea , you * have * to use boiling water . Using hot water doesn 't let it brew properly , so if you bring out a cup of hot water then it has already dropped well below boiling and will never make a decent cup of tea . Do people know nothing ? I had a look on YouTube to see if anyone had made a video about how to make the perfect cup of tea . There are various videos , all of which had various flaws in them . The main one being most people adding tea to their cuppa . Wrong , wrong , wrong . Why ruin a beautiful drink by putting sugar in it ? The good news on the tea front though is that PGTips are currently giving away frPosted by I had a pleasant enough day yesterday . I went over to my parents ' house because my sister phoned me and said that she going to go over there with my nephew . I did feel a bit frustrated by the plans though because it was originally me and mum who were meant to be meeting up and then my sister asked me what I was doing yesterday and I said I was meeting up with mum , so my sister said that she 'd probably join us . That was all totally fine and it was nice to see her . The thing was that mum never spoke to me about the plans for yesterday and just spoke to my sister about it , so I only knew she was expecting me to go over for lunch because my sister told me . I phoned mum and asked her what was happening and she then said that she 'd thought that my sister and I had arranged to do something and that our plan to meet up had therefore been cancelled . It was just a whole load of crossed wires and a bit irritating . However , what was really irritating was when I went and got some money from a cash point on the way home . I checked my balance and was really confused by it . It was showing a balance that didn 't quite make sense to me and then it struck me that not only did it not make sense but in fact it was showing a negative balance … A negative balance ! I have never ever had a negative balance . I 'm not particularly well off , I just have a rule that I live within my means and if I don 't have the money to pay for something then I don 't buy it ( apart from the purchase of the place I live obviously ) . Anyway , them 's the rules and I have always stuck to it . I went home and logged into my back account to see if I was going mad . I wasn 't . I scanned through my recent transactions to see what had happened and realised that two payments had gone out to pay my credit card bill . I always pay off my credit card bill every month ( because that 's the rule … ) and what had happened was that when I got my statement I had set up the payment to go from my bank account but what I had failed to realise was that because I had askePosted by I am feeling most uninspired today . I had to get out of bed about 8 . 30am as the postman couldn 't get an envelope through the letter box . It was actually my photos from when I went to Russia and The Gambia . I realise I got back from both last year , but I sometimes can be a bit slow at getting round to doing these things . I might post a couple of photos , if I can find any that are suitable . I went to see my financial adviser on Thursday . He 's a nice chap and we talked about various things to try and do something better with my somewhat depleted finances and also hopefully get some tax back from the taxman next year . I don 't really know very much about the best way to deal with money . I live within my means and so on , but seeing as I probably could have had various bits of tax back over the years it is all a bit beyond me and so I need people who know rather more than me how to do these things . I 'm seeing my sister and nephew later and I think maybe my mum as well . I quite often refer to my nephew as " monkey boy " but of late have started to call him " chicken boy " ( much to my sister 's disapproval ) given his recent brush with chickenpox . I think that enough time has now passed that mean I haven 't got chickenpox , which is very good news . I wondered if the reason why I feel quite rough the week before last was because I was fighting off the possibility of getting chickenpox and also had a cold and the two things were kind of wearing me out . So hopefully I am out of the woods on that one . I was talking to someone I used to work with yesterday . One of his brothers died in January and another one was seriously ill . I asked him how his brother was doing to which he replied " well the funeral 's next week " Oh … Completely unrelated , if you get irritating phone calls , you might find this website useful in order to get rid of unwanted callers . The image is from toothpaste for dinner On the Tube on the way to work yesterday I was sitting opposite a chap who was in his fifties . He was reading his book and every so often would have a good rummage around in his nose and then sort of surreptitiously wipe his fingers across his beard . This was not a pleasant thing to observe and so I decided this was a good time to close my eyes and try and doze . I think the lesson to us all though is to be wary of men ( or women ) with beards . Sadly my front door mat was somewhat lacking in cards when I got home last night , which I am sure is just because I have recently moved home . It will take a while for my address to filter through to everyone who needs to know it . I was somewhat disturbed by the London Paper 's coverage of Valentine 's Day . On a lot of the pages they had boxes entitled " My Valentine Hell " and people had sent in stories of awful Valentine 's Days experiences . There was also an advert from the London Assembly reminding people to recycle their Valentine 's cards and compost their flowers . I think romance is indeed dead . Mind you , I was slightly irritated by a woman talking to her boyfriend on the phone while I was waiting for a train . She was talking very , very loudly and repeating everything her boyfriend said . ( You have to imagine this said in a girly laughing kind of way but sounding as though she was talking to someone with an IQ of a cabbage . " No , I don 't want to know what presents you have bought me ! " * girly giggle * " I want to wait until I get home " * girly giggle * " You 've got me four presents ! You 've already bought me so much already " * girly giggle * Even though I am not anti - Valentine 's Day I did actually want to push that woman under a train because she was just sooooooooo irritating . There are strange things going on in blogging world at the moment . There are lots of blogs that seem to be shutting up shop at the moment ( er , yes I do know about one in particular but there isn 't anything to say really ) . I realise people give up on blogs for all sorts of reasons , but IPosted by The above image is from Gaping VoidI was looking at the amount of leave I have to take this year . This leave year I have a mere 55 . 5 days to take . This * is * an improvement - last year it was 58 days . At this rate , by the time I retire I should be about at zero . I was looking at various bits of leave I might take , a few odd days off here and there , like when I have my burglar alarm installed , plus I might go and visit a friend in Germany who I have not seen for years , and visit another friend who now lives up north ( she really does live up north , this is not a Southerners perspective of anything north of the Watford Gap being northern ) . I might also go to Wales with some friends at the end of May and so on . Add to that probably taking off two weeks at Christmas and it pretty much accounts for a whole ( normal ) leave year . Although I do actually have to get round to booking the time off which has always been one of my great failings . So anyway the burglar alarm installation is booked and now I am trying to get in touch with the plumber I want to use , which is proving quite difficult because I think there is a fault on their phone line . Plus my TV signal seems to be really dodgy on occasion so I might consider getting that fixed at some point as well . Of course this would be rather easier if money were of no object . It 's a good job I am going to see my financial adviser tomorrow afternoon because he can hopefully pull a rabbit out of a hat for me - or more usefully a large stash of money . I saw that this week is meant to be Random Acts of Kindness Week . I can 't say that I have experienced any such random acts myself or been the bearer of such things but maybe by the end of the week I will be inspired . I think if this week was " Be a Totally Grumpy Git " week then I would be doing admirably , but sadly people never seem to organise weeks like that . Anyway , in honour of the day , here 's the video of " Miracle of Love " by the Eurythmics . It 's a song that has gone through my mind a few times recently for variouPosted by When I got into work yesterday the chap who has taken a shine to me greeted me with a " Good morning my little petal " . I replied with a more simple " morning " . A few minutes later he wandered over to show something ( work related ) he had written years ago and I sat there and flicked through it and made suitably enthusiastic comments . I still don 't know quite what to think about all of this , but I 'm reasonably sure that he is just a friendly chap . I went over to a friend 's house for dinner last night , which was really nice . She had her husband are flying to Phoenix in a couple of weeks time ( I did sing them a few lines from " By the time I get to Phoenix " ) . Apparently if they had flown economy on BA and booked a particular hotel it would have cost £ 6000 for this deal . After I had picked my jaw up off the table I did say that surely they must at least throw in a couple of prostitutes for that amount , but apparently it didn 't even include meals at the hotel . They booked by other means and paid about £ 300 for the flights . That leaves money for any * cough * extras that might be required . I know it 's tomorrow , but there seems to be a lot of cynicism about Valentine 's Day out there at the moment ( ' there ' being blogging world ) with lots of people saying " it 's all commercial nonsense " " we shouldn 't need one particular day to tell someone we love them " and so on . These are entirely true but I just wonder whether people do actually tell their other half that they love them and so on - and maybe there are a few people where it is the only time their partner makes some attempt to show they love them or maybe there 's some poor chap who 's been plucking up the courage to tell some girl how he feels and maybe Valentine 's Day will be the opportunity to finally say it . I 'm not someone who thinks Valentine 's Day is some magic formula but some people do actually enjoy it and get wined and dined and have a good time . Obviously that doesn 't include me this year , but I feel as though somePosted by The image is from DigitalfogI phoned a school friend yesterday afternoon and we had a really good catch up . She is the one who has been in hospital because being pregnant has made her really , really sick . She didn 't sound too bad but I was somewhat horrified when she told me that her daughter ( who is probably about 18 months old ) shut her finger in a door a couple of weeks ago and had to be rushed to hospital . Her finger is still bandaged up and it is only when they remove the bandage in a couple of weeks time that they will know if she has lost the end of her finger . It makes me feel funny just thinking of it - although I suspect that is nothing compared to actually going through the experience . I wandered into central London yesterday afternoon . I didn 't do very much while I was there , but I did take the opportunity to observe this from afar . Believe me there was no wearing of red on my part , I was just interested to see if it worked or not . I would say that maybe 40 or 50 people were there , although I 'm not sure if some of those were people who just happened to be walking through the area and got caught up in it all by accident . The most noticeable people there were three choir girls dressed in red cassocks . I assume they were chatted up some men and then wandered off to church , as all good girls should be doing on a Sunday evening . I actually cannot think of a less appealing way to try and meet someone ( * thinks * well possibly meeting someone on death row or something like that ) , speed dating and that sort of thing is just so not me . The actual speed dating process would be bad enough in itself i . e . talking to complete and utter strangers with the aim of instantly impressing them - without even the aid of alcohol . Plus add to that the fact that you are then evaluated by each of the people you talk to and I think my ego is not really up to that . However , there is another possibility . I am not one for going to the gym . I could actually go to the one at work which is very cheap , but just cannot be botheredPosted by This image came from miraclesalad . comI have been feeling decidedly rough most of this week , but yesterday I finally started to feel a bit better . I still haven 't reached the point where I can say I have not got chickenpox ( it usually takes about 10 days to fully show itself ) , but I 'm hoping that I was just feeling under the weather this week because of a cold . I have been running a bit of a temperature though , so time will tell . Yesterday at work was quite amusing . I was making my colleagues laugh by bemoaning my singleness ( I have no recollection of how we got onto this topic ) and explaining that my criterion is " breathing " . They then suggested a couple of entirely unsuitable people to end this dry spell to try and gauge my level of desperation . It turns out I am not * that * desperate . A girl 's got to have some standards . Mind you the woman I sit next to phoned our IT people up and the chap she spoke to was really chatty and for some reason decided to ask her what she was doing at the weekend and if her plans included him and then started to quiz her about her plans for Valentine 's Day . She didn 't quite know how to respond . I don 't know quite where our IT department is but it is nowhere near where we work , so I guess this chap just decided she had a nice voice and thought he would try his luck . I have no idea what he would have done if she 'd responded in kind . Someone I work with ( or technically , used to work with , as I have now changed jobs ) was going on leave at the end of yesterday , as she is getting married next week . Her boss was meant to give a leaving speech , but was absent at the crucial moment and time ticked on and it began to look more and more like we weren 't going to give her a send off . Apart from me , there wasn 't really anyone else suitable about to give a quick speech , so I had to give a very impromptu speech and presented her with a card and a bottle of Archer 's in a carrier bag . We like to make people feel special . When I got home last night , after a tube journey that was devPosted by Yesterday was an interesting day . I met up for dinner with my friend C last night . It 's always good to see him and we went for our usual curry and a catch up and it was a nice end to the day . I didn 't get home very early last night . Yesterday 's snow slowed my journey to work a bit , but for some reason my journey home took much longer . I was feeling fairly cool , calm and collected and when I got off the first train to change trains there were none going to where I wanted so I thought I 'd get the first train and then at least I 'd be nearer home and hopefully the right one would arrive at some point . As I went to get on the train I stopped because I saw there was someone about to get off but there was a woman standing behind me and she started to huff and puff about having to wait and so she pushed passed me and got on the train . I rather dryly said to her that it was polite to wait for other people to get off first . I think it is fair to say that she went absolutely mad at this and started shouting and swearing at me and even when I had sat down she carried on and said various offensive things . In the end I just ended up laughing because I just could not understand why this woman was so riled . She was with her husband and he just seemed to mumble things - I think he was cut from the same mould as his wife but was possibly so hen - pecked that he had lost the ability to speak coherently . When we got to the station where I was going to change to wait for the next train they didn 't realise I was going to get off and made some big fuss about " going to sit somewhere else where there was more space " . I stood up and got off the train and left them to it . Another woman then came up to me while I was standing on the platform and asked if I knew the woman who 'd had a go at me and I told her I 'd never met her before in my life . This woman said that she could not believe how the woman had spoken to me and how incredibly rude and offensive she 'd been . I just had a bit of a joke and laugh with this woman and sPosted by I have made some vague progress on housing related issues . I did get some legal advice through the people who provide my home contents insurance . I phoned them on Monday night and the chap I spoke to was quite helpful but not very willing to say anything one way or the other . But then on Tuesday evening , I got a phone call from them checking if anyone had phoned me back after I had phoned them last Saturday and I talked to that chap about the situation and he was rather more practical and , given the disinterest of the freeholder , he suggested what would probably be the best course of action . So I am now going to re - read my lease ( yet again ! ) and check if there is anything that I haven 't considered already and then write to the freeholder and say that I am going to ask for the installation to take place and they therefore have until then to object . I think I have also found a company to fix my thermostat . They 're not the cheapest people but they seem to be really good at what they do and they gave a clear pricing structure etc as well * , so hopefully it isn 't entirely venturing into the unknown . I 'm going to try and get them to come round on the same day as the burglar alarm installers ( in fact the two companies are really near each other , so I suspect the people know each other ) . I also got a letter from my mortgage company last night saying that they are going to ( very , very slightly ) reduce my mortgage payments . Woo hoo ! I have an appointment to see my financial adviser next week and I am hoping he will give me a gold star to go on my sticker chart for that . As the motorway signs often tell us " Take a break , tiredness kills " - and so , it seems , do jealous astronauts , if they get the chance . Did you see the story about the female astronaut who traveled across America to track down another female astronaut who had been having a relationship with the same chap as she was ? ( why does that sound like the beginning to a joke ? ) Anyway , the particularly significant thing was that she did this wearing a nappy Posted by I have been feeling a bit full of ill - health recently . I have a cold of some sort rumbling just below the surface and it is not very pleasant . It just involves a horrible feeling throat , me coughing sometimes , not all the time , but when I do cough it makes me feel really sick - as in that I 'm going to actually be sick . It 's lovely . That combined with the last couple of nights of being really tired but when I have gone to bed , the moment my head hits the pillow I 'm wide awake , is not a great . Still , it could be worse … My sister phoned me yesterday " I 'm at home " she said . " Oh are you ? Why ? " I replied " Because [ nephew ] has got chickenpox " " Oh … " " I 'm really sorry " " Yes … " So , why the problem ? The thing is that I have never had chickenpox and getting it as an adult is not ideal . Mind you , they thought he had it before and he didn 't have it . Of course , I would be much more likely to get it had I been in close contact with my nephew . On Sunday when I was over at my sister 's house my nephew and I played our usual game of him lying on the floor and then he points to his back and I then have to blow a raspberry on his back and then he 'll turn over and I have to blow a raspberry on his stomach . We carry on like this until he decides he wants to move somewhere else and then he expects me to crawl after him and we carry on where we left off . This game can go on for well over half an hour sometimes . I don 't suppose that would count as close contact though , would it ? On other matters , for those who are not wanting to celebrate the joys of Valentine 's Day next week , here is the site for you . Very amusing . I woke up yesterday morning and my first thought was " I hope there is a really long time until my alarm goes off " at which point the radio instantly came on and a voice screamed in my head " noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo " , but as it turned out I probably was not alone in thinking this * . Apparently yesterday was the most likely day in the year for people to take a sickie . It seems that the reasons for this were : Post - Christmas bluesPoor weatherCredit card billsLong wait for the next holidayYou may recall that 24 January was meant to be the most depressing day of the year . It seems the reasons for this were : Post - Christmas bluesPoor weatherCredit card billsLong wait for the next holidayHmm , now I 'm not always good at spotting similarities but I think I can possibly see some there . I 'm also not a scientist , but I reckon I could have come up with those reasons without carrying out some research . However , I would have added an extra reason which is " because it 's a Monday " . Let me give you some words of advice here " this isn 't always the most cheerful time of the year , you might feel a bit down on occasion , if so this is normal and you don 't need a thorough piece of research to tell you this " . Anyway , my friend who is in the Gambia and I have exchanged a few e - mails over the last few weeks about the President of the Gambia ( as you do … ) . The story has now made it on to the BBC . Basically the President claims that he can heal Aids ( and asthma ) . He tells people to stop taking medication and he will heal them , but only on a Thursday - and if it all goes wrong then it is the fault of the patient because they don 't have enough faith . Can you even imagine if Tony Blair said " Today I will not be running the country , instead I will be healing people . Come to me my children , let me cure you of all that ails you . " Somehow I just don 't see it . * Insert your own joke about the poor state of the NHS here * It seems a few people may have questioned his ability to do this , to which his reply was " I am not a Posted by I had a good time over at my sister 's house . We had lunch which was roast pork and was really good . My parents were there as well and my dad was his usual charming self and , even though he had been told what time lunch was , when it was ready dead on time he said " I can 't eat now , the rugby is on " and he just flatly refused to go into the dining room . After we had all eaten my father ate a couple of sausages and some bread that my sister took into him . He may as well have stayed at home if all he wanted to do was sit there and watch TV and not be disturbed by anyone . Anyway , after lunch my mum , sister and I went for a walk on some open land nearby . I kicked a football about so my nephew could chase it and there were some cows and dogs and so on , which all made my nephew really excited and hopefully it all tired him out so that he went to sleep easily last night . I borrowed my sister 's carpet shampooer so that I can get all of the dirt that has been trodden into my carpets over the last few weeks . Until I finally bought somewhere , such things would never have even crossed my mind . It 's amazing how your priorities change . Plumbing , burglar alarms and carpets . I would shake my head in despair , but to be honest , my life wasn 't any more exciting beforehand , so this is actually the peak of my existence . I see bird flu has hit the headlines again , which has led to the culling of thousands of turkeys . I can see this needs to be done to stop onward transmission , but I suspect it will also cause a mass paranoia about eating turkey and chicken . As far as I am aware , cooking the meat would kill the virus anyway , so there is no way to catch it via food assuming you cook it properly . Anyway , I refer to my post last year on bird flu . If only they had listened to me . . . The above is from the very nice site http : / / www . nataliedee . comI went for a wander in Central London yesterday afternoon . I hopped on the tube and went to Trafalgar Square and then went to Piccadilly Circus and then back to Charing Cross Road . There 's something about strolling around London that sometimes is just a real pleasure in itself , particularly when there 's a bit of sunshine . Some bloke walked past me at one point and just said " nice " . I carried on walking somewhat perplexed by this . But there you go . I phoned the people who provide my home contents insurance because I have legal cover as part of my policy . Basically I want a view from them on what my options are if the freeholder doesn 't reply to my letters asking if I can have a burglar alarm fitted . They were meant to phone me back with some advice . I 'm still waiting . That seems to be the theme of my life at the moment . People who are meant to be providing a professional service just not coming up with the goods . I 'll phone them again at some point to see if they can answer my question . I also continue on my search for a plumber . Someone was suggested to me , but I can 't find him listed anywhere so I am slightly suspicious of using him . So I 'm going to ask about a bit more and see if I can come up with someone who seems as though they might be ok . I came across the details of a female plumber and I might actually see if she can do it . As someone who knows nothing about anything domestics , somehow I feel as though a female plumber might be more trustworthy . Dunno , we 'll see . Anyway , I am off to see my nephew in a bit , so I shall leave you with a couple of places for you to peruse on the www . This site is just plain weird . It 's animals morphed into insects . It is very slightly freaky … Also , just to prove that hell does indeed have no fury like a woman scorned , here is a site where women fill out the details of men who have wronged them . What a wonderful world we live in . I was so tired by last night . The previous two mornings I had woken up well before my alarm went off . The first time because I kept wondering if I was going to sleep through my alarm and I * had * to be in work promptly for a meeting . Then yesterday morning my friend had said she 'd be up and gone before I got up , but I kept wondering if I had heard her leave . I didn 't think I had so kept worrying that she was still asleep ( not worried enough to get out of bed and check you understand ) . In reality I was there for plenty of time for the meeting and in fact was running so early that I went and got a couple of keys cut to kill some time before it started and my friend had overslept but when I finally got up this prompted her to wake up and she was up and out of the house in about 5 minutes ! There 's a chap at work who comes over to speak to me a lot . He 's in his mid - fifties and is just this friendly chap who sees a bit of an ally in me because I am always really friendly to him . We don 't actually do the same work but he sometimes has to come and check things with me and pretty much every day he will come over and speak to me , even if it 's just to tell me that he hasn 't got anything to speak to me about . Someone commented last week that this chap seemed really happy that I now sit much closer to him . Yesterday he came to tell me that he was leaving work ( which isn 't really anything to do with me ) and was going to the opticians so that he could get his glasses fixed so that he could see my radiant beauty all the more clearly when he is back in the office next week . I told him he would need to make sure he got a very good adjustment to his glasses . When he had gone the person I sit next to said " awwww , he really likes you " and I just laughed . I think he sees me as someone to exchange banter with rather than anything else by the way , but I think people look on with amused interest ! On a Friday I have usually run out of bread so I go to the canteen to eat something , yesterday I had lasagne which was remarkaPosted by Last night a friend came to stay . I wasn 't actually entirely sure whether she wad still due to come and stay or not . We 'd talked about it ages ago and then hadn 't really spoken since . She 's a teacher at a school just down the road from where I live and it was parents ' evening last night so rather than trek all the way home she stayed the night at my place . It 's really nice to be able to have people to stay as and when I want - not having to ask people 's permission or have to mention to them that they might have to sleep with their feet in a wardrobe . It 's the little things in life that make the difference . Anyway , it was a pleasant evening and we had a good catch up . She 's pregnant and so she was updating me on that ( not too much detail you understand . I do know about the birds and the bees already ) and she seems to be doing rather better than my other friend who has been hospitalised because being pregnant has made her so ill . I still haven 't phoned that other friend . I really need to get my act together on that . I don 't have an answer machine at home . Not even 1571 , which I know I could set up , but I don 't really see why if someone phones me and the line is engaged they should be charged for getting through to an answer phone . I sometimes dial 1471 to see if there are any numbers that have come up that I might need to call back , but normally they aren 't numbers that I know . Have you ever googled the numbers that are listed on 1471 ? Most of the time I just ignore whatever the number was , but strangely any number I * have * checked seem to be of businesses that I have no dealings with . You might not think that 's very strange because it 's not unusual to get sales calls - except that for me it should be , as my home phone number , and any number that I have had for as many years that I can recall , have all been registered with the telephone preference service , which is generally very effective . Even if an occasional call gets through you only have to mention the TPS and the cold caller apoloPosted by Wow , it 's February already . How did that happen ? ? Anyway , sometimes you do things because they are very sensible or logical but then you realise they might look a bit odd . It may not be a surprise for you to learn that London Underground is not one of the cleanest environments . In terms of coming into contact with grime it maybe isn 't so bad if you are sitting on a seat because it is probably only your clothes that are in contact with it , but if you are standing up then you normally want to hold on , so your hand touches one of the handrails . Of late , I have taken to putting a glove on before my hand touches a handrail . I 'm not someone who is overly fussed by muck or dirt but there is just something about touching things on the tube that particularly appals me . People do all sorts of things with their hands - touch things , stick them in places that most people wouldn 't if they were in polite company and just generally move dirt and germs about . Somehow I don 't want to come into direct contact with that and so I put on a glove . But just the one glove . I occasionally wonder if people think it is odd or perhaps instead they secretly nod in agreement at the good sense I am showing - or more likely that they don 't care at all absorbed up in their own little world . Although there are hundreds of people on a train , people still seem able to be oblivious to all that is around them . With the increase in iPods and MP3 players people shut out more and more around them . Most days I end up standing next to someone who is listening to their music so loudly that I could actually sing along . I can hear not only the dull beat of it , but also the tune and every single word of whatever song happens to be playing at the time . I don 't think I have ever seen anyone ask someone else to turn down their music instead people seem to get their own iPod and play that equally loudly in order to block out the sound . If you have not put your own defence system in place you are surrounded by a rising cacophony of sound with peoplePosted by |
Like many of you , I have Sleep Apnea . I was first diagnosed with this back in 2000 . Sleep Apnea means you have periods of time when you stop breathing while you are asleep . Most often , it is Obstructive Sleep Apnea , which describes your tongue and throat blocking your airway . The body is deprived of oxygen , so you wake up repeatedly during the night . The end result is that you don 't feel rested . I 've had multiple sleep studies over the years . I have tried both cpap and bipap machines , neither of which worked for me . I have been using a dental device at night which seems to help cut down on the snoring , but I still don 't sleep more than an hour or two at a time . That is why I often take a nap in my office here at the church in the middle of the day . I always look at the latest " Cures " that are out there for Sleep Apnea . I saw one that is still in development that is a cordless and hoseless cpap called " Airing . " They also have what they call " tongue retaining devices " that hold your tongue out of your mouth while you sleep ! Sleep Apnea is not a good thing . But did you know that doctors also have what they call an " APNEA TEST " that they use to determine whether or not a person is alive ? If a person takes a breath within a certain amount of time after the life support is disconnected , they are considered alive . If not , they are considered legally dead . Again , they call this an APNEA test . That word APNEA sounds funny . That 's because it comes from Greek . Pneuma is the Greek word for breath , wind or spirit . We get other words in English from it , like pneumatic . In English , the " P " is silent ; in Greek you pronounce it . If you add an alpha / a on the front of a word in Greek , it negates it , like " non " or " un " would in English . So this word APNEA , based on its Greek origins , literally means " Without breath , without wind " or even " Without spirit . " Today is Pentecost , the Festival in the Christian Church that celebrates the Holy Spirit , whom Jesus promised , being poured out on the disciples . This special gift of the Spirit resulted in those men remembering all that Jesus taught them and finally fully understanding what it meant . The Spirit enabled them to believe that Jesus is the Son of God , the long - awaited Messiah , the one who would save His people from their sins . They realized that by offering His perfect life on the cross , He paid the debt owed for the sins of the world . They knew that His resurrection from the dead meant that He had beaten death for all people . And they understood that this good news had been entrusted to them so that they could share it with others . As you heard in the reading at the start of our service , they did that . " Repent and be baptized , every one of you , in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins . And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit . The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off - for all whom the Lord our God will call . " With many other words he warned them ; and he pleaded with them , " Save yourselves from this corrupt generation . " Those who accepted his message were baptized , and about three thousand were added to their number that day . Acts 2 : 38 - 41 Earlier in this second chapter of Acts you heard how God sent His Spirit to the disciples . A loud wind . Flames on their heads . The ability to speak in previously unknown languages . This enabled them to share the message of Christ as Savior with all those present in Jerusalem clearly and plainly . This all happened because of the power of the Holy Spirit that rested on the disciples and enabled them to witness . And the Spirit worked in about 3000 others that day , who repented , believed and received God 's gift of baptism . It was cause for rejoicing . Yet something we have to realize is that there were more than 3000 people in Jerusalem that day . There were many in that crowd who had APNEA . I say that because that word " pneuma " also means " spirit , " and a form of that word ( pnuemato ) is the word that is used for the Holy Spirit : aJgiou pneumato . Those who did not believe had " a - pnuema " - APNEA . It would be ridiculous to say they had Spiritual Apnea , because that would mean " spiritual no spirit . " The word APNEA , by itself , can be used to describe those who are without faith , who do not believe in Jesus , who do not have the Holy Spirit in their life . Listen to what Paul said about this : If you have faith in Jesus , it is because you have the Holy Spirit in your life . He led you to that faith . If you do not have faith in Jesus , you do not have the Holy Spirit . You have APNEA . There are a lot of people in our world today with APNEA , people without the Spirit of God in their lives . This past Wednesday I attended a luncheon of local pastors . We were told the population of Grayson County is 85 , 000 . Of those , 14 , 000 claim a religious affiliation . That means 71 , 000 people do not have any religious affiliation . They have apnea . What is really discouraging is that they don 't even know they have it . A lot of people don 't know they have Sleep Apnea , but there are hints that clue you in : multiple wake ups in the night , feeling tired when you get out of bed , severe sleepiness in the middle of the day . Those who have the other kind of APNEA , living without the Spirit , will also have signs that make that known : disregard for God and their fellow man . Paul spoke about that in Galatians 5 : Galatians 5 : 16 - 25 16 So I say , live by the Spirit , and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature . 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit , and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature . They are in conflict with each other , so that you do not do what you want . 18 But if you are led by the Spirit , you are not under law . 19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious : sexual immorality , impurity and debauchery ; 20 idolatry and witchcraft ; hatred , discord , jealousy , fits of rage , selfish ambition , dissensions , factions 21 and envy ; drunkenness , orgies , and the like . I warn you , as I did before , that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God . But there is a treatment ! All they need is the Holy Spirit . I mentioned those machines that tried to force air into my nostrils not working for me . Likewise , you can 't force the Holy Spirit on those who have APNEA . He has to be shared in gently and naturally . As Mr . Thies told us last week , this happens when you and I are not normal , but live as those peculiar people God has called us to be . A problem frequently encountered is believers who live as though they have APNEA . I heard about a little boy riding home with his family from church after his baby brother had been baptized . On the way home , the boy started to cry . His father asked what was wrong , but the boy just kept on crying . The father and mother each asked him several more times what was wrong , but he just kept crying . Finally , the father pulled over and said , " I 'm not going any farther until you tell me why you are crying . " So the boy replied , " When the pastor baptized my brother , he said wanted him brought up in a Christian home , but I want him to stay with us ! " While we can laugh at a joke , it is truly sad when believers live as enemies of the cross of Christ . When we exhibit items from that list I read earlier , we are not living by the Spirit , we are not letting ourselves be led by the Spirit , we are not keeping in step with the Spirit . Thank God we can confess those sins , be assured of God 's forgiveness and move on . Galatians 5 : 22 - 25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love , joy , peace , patience , kindness , goodness , faithfulness , gentleness and self - control . Against such things there is no law . Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires . Since we live by the Spirit , let us keep in step with the Spirit . That 's the ideal . That is what should be showing . Those keeping in step with the Spirit will display these characteristics in their lives . And if you want to keep in step with the Spirit , all you have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to help you . That 's what He is there for . The wonderful result of living this way is that God will use you to spread the message of Christ as Savior and the only hope for salvation . That is also what the Holy Spirit is supposed to do . If you have APNEA , don 't stay that way . Live by the Spirit . Keep in step with the Spirit . Rejoice in the Spirit . Be led by the Spirit . And if you have the Spirit , don 't live in such a way that you could be accused of APNEA . Remember that the Spirit points you to Jesus and the forgiveness and life He gives to you . Live in that knowledge and joy and certainty . Live by the Spirit . May 21 , 2017 by revmattil Filed under Sermons Leave a Comment Ephesians 2 : 11 - 18 11 Therefore , remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called " uncircumcised " by those who call themselves " the circumcision " ( that done in the body by the hands of men ) - 12 remember that at that time you were separate from Christ , excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise , without hope and without God in the world . 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ . 14 For he himself is our peace , who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier , the dividing wall of hostility , 15 by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations . His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two , thus making peace , 16 and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross , by which he put to death their hostility . 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near . 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit . Here in south , and especially in Texas , we have a way of expressing ourselves that folks in the rest of the country don 't always appreciate . We 've got some great words and expressions that you just won 't hear as much when you travel outside the Lone Star state . Words like One that I really like is " purt near . " You 've heard it and probably used it . It is used in the sense of " just about " or " almost . " I came across a cowboy poem by a fellow named Barker with the title " Purt Near ! " and I want to share it with you now . I think most of us would agree with ol ' Tom Maginnis that " Purt near ain 't enough . " We live much of our lives pretending otherwise , but deep down we know that " Purt Near " is not good enough . Even if you could live purt near without sin , it would not be enough . You would still be deserving of death and condemnation . The entire message of Scripture is about us being brought near to God . Our sin causes us to be far away from God , and Isaiah 59 : 2 says " your iniquities have separated you from your God . " And those sins have consequences , as Paul reminds us in Romans that " the wages of sin is death . " You can try and try and try to live without sin , and even if you could " purt near " do it , you will still fall short . Purt near is not good enough . But brought near is , when you consider the one who has brought you near , and how He did it . Paul says it was through " the blood of Jesus Christ . " Even though your " purt near " has fallen short of the glory of God , Jesus did not . His life of perfection was lived for you . And then that perfect life was offered as the sacrifice not just for you , but for the sins of the whole world . In that sacrifice , His blood was poured out , making the offering of His life total and complete . Luther reminds us that Jesus made this payment " with His holy precious blood and His innocent suffering and death . " That blood which He poured out washes you , cleanses you , makes you righteous in the sight of your heavenly Father . You have been brought near to him . Just like ol ' Tom Maginnis , without Jesus we were all purt near dead . Without Jesus we were spiritually dead . But because we have been brought near to Him by what He did for us , we have escaped death , both spiritually and eternally . And I don 't mean that you have " purt near " escaped death , but that you have completely escaped it through faith . That means you , and me , and all those who were " purt near " dead forever without Christ have been brought near . What a sweet sound for those of us who were purt near dead , to hear that we have been Brought Near ! I 'm purt near done , but I have one more story to share with you today . Some of you have heard me tell it before , so you 'll just have to hear it again . A few years back , I got a call from Bob . Bob 's wife had been a member of this congregation , but she had died about a year earlier . Now his son - in - law had died and he asked if I would conduct a graveside service for him . I agreed to do so , and met him at the cemetery the next day . It was a small private cemetery right outside the gate of what used to be Texoma Lutheran Camp . When I arrived , it was just me and Bob . I asked him if his son - in - law had been a believer . He let out a big sigh , waited about 15 seconds and said , " Well , deep down , I 'd like to think he was . " So that gave me a clue as to what my message might be . Soon people started trickling in to the cemetery , dressed like you would expect to see people dressed who were going to church - they had their Sunday go to meetin ' clothes on - the men in shirts and ties , the women in dresses . And then I heard this rumbling in the distance . It was growing closer . And very soon the first Harley Davidson turned in to the cemetery , followed by a long procession of riders of those American made machines . As they parked and took their places , about half the people were dressed in their Sunday best and standing on one side , while the other half , including the widow , were decked out in leather biker gear and standing on the other side . I stood there for a moment , my mind racing , all those people looking at me and waiting for me to speak . There was a definite tension in the air , people on both sides of the line standing with arms crossed and furrowed brows . By the grace of God , the Holy Spirit gave me the words to say , and they were something like this : " I don 't know any of you , and you don 't know me . I didn 't know the man we are burying today , either , so I can 't say anything about him . So what can I say ? Well , I do know Jesus , and I 'd like to talk to all of you about him for a few minutes . " And I saw their arms become unfolded and their faces soften and they were ready to give me a chance . I don 't remember everything I said , but I talked about the life and death and resurrection of Jesus that were all done so that anyone and everyone could be brought near to Him and be assured of forgiveness and life everlasting . I think purt near everyone there heard it . I hope you have today . Many of you know I have been a James Taylor fan for most of my life . I really like his voice and his style . This song tells us to " Shower the people you love with love . " That can be understood on many different levels , and it may be especially appropriate on Mother 's Day as we consider how moms lavish their love on their families . It can be understood in a good way , which is generally how I have heard those lyrics . But a few weeks ago as I was listening to this song , it struck me that this sentiment could also be understood in the wrong way . What I mean is the same thing Jesus was talking about in Luke 6 . Luke 6 : 27 - 36 27 " But I tell you who hear me : Love your enemies , do good to those who hate you , 28 bless those who curse you , pray for those who mistreat you . 29 If someone strikes you on one cheek , turn to him the other also . If someone takes your cloak , do not stop him from taking your tunic . 30 Give to everyone who asks you , and if anyone takes what belongs to you , do not demand it back . 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you . 32 " If you love those who love you , what credit is that to you ? Even ' sinners ' love those who love them . 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you , what credit is that to you ? Even ' sinners ' do that . 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment , what credit is that to you ? Even ' sinners ' lend to ' sinners , ' expecting to be repaid in full . 35 But love your enemies , do good to them , and lend to them without expecting to get anything back . Then your reward will be great , and you will be sons of the Most High , because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked . 36 Be merciful , just as your Father is merciful . Simply loving those who love you is not what Jesus is after . He tells us to do a hard thing : love your enemies , do good to those who hate you , and pray for those who mistreat you . In other words , Jesus wants you to love everyone the way He loves everyone . Not just your family . Not just your friends . Not only those who are kind to you . Everyone . Love everyone completely . Shower the people you love with love . Don 't hold back or withhold it from anyone . Be loving to everyone with the kind of love God has shown to you . As I said , that can be difficult . In fact , it is impossible for us . It goes against our natural tendencies . Some people are unlovable . That is tough stuff . What we need to remember is that God loves everyone . Everyone . And He wants everyone to be saved by believing that Jesus has taken care of sin for us , allowing us to be forgiven for everything we have done wrong . Are you familiar with the expression " preaching to the choir ? " It means telling our Christian message to those who already know it . Of course those in the choir need that preaching again and again and again . I need it over and over again . And so do each of you . There is nothing wrong with preaching to the choir . We love to hear it ! Sometimes I think we " Shower the People in the Choir with love . " How much of what we do as a congregation is directed at fellow Christians ? Again , that is not a bad thing . In fact it is good . Doing good to one another , showing love to the people we love , or " preaching to the choir , " isn 't bad . But our Lord wants you and me to do more than preach to the choir . He wants His Gospel to move beyond our fellow Christians to people who do not yet believe in Him . That 's what today 's text is all about . Jesus says that we should do good to those who can 't or won 't return the favor . We should not be content to simply " preach to the choir . " Jesus wants us to widen our perspective . We should be doing good beyond the confines of our congregation and our Christian acquaintances . The model for moving beyond fellow Christians is God Himself . Our text says that God is kind to the ungrateful and wicked . Be merciful just as your father is merciful . Merciful is the key word here . Mercies are acts of loving kindness . Mercy is more than an exclamation . It is more than simply feeling sorry for some poor soul that needs help . Mercies are acts of loving kindness . Over and over again , in numerous ways we perceive and in countless ways beyond our perception , God shows Himself to be merciful to you and me . God is full of mercies for the Christian and non - Christian alike . God 's mercies move beyond the choir . If that were not the case , you and I would not be here today to worship in the name of Jesus Christ . You and I were not born Christian . Quite the contrary . Ephesians 2 tells us you were dead in your transgressions and sins . That is why we confess before God that " we are by nature sinful and unclean . " If you cannot identify with those outside our congregation , if your heart does not go to those beyond the choir , you forgot where you came from . A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point . She said , " Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin ? " There was a short pause and then , from the back of the room , a small boy spoke up . " Sin , " he said . We have all got that part covered . Have we forgotten who made us alive again ? God was not content to keep His loving kindness to Himself . The Father sent Jesus into the flesh to save you from sin . The Son willingly came to be one of us , to give his life as a ransom for many ( Mark 10 : 45 ) , and to be raised on Easter as your way to eternal life . As His mercies have moved each of us into His household , into the family of Christ , so His mercies move us to do good to those still outside our congregation . Our Father 's mercies move us to " preach beyond the choir . " Shower everyone with love . That is what everyone wants : MERCY . We all want to be treated with loving kindness , Christians and non - Christians alike . We can thank God that we are able to be actively involved with fellow Christians in preaching His mercies . But we also thank Him for broadening our perspective beyond our congregation . We can share His mercies beyond the choir . You don 't do this in order to be saved . You show God 's love to everyone because you have been saved . Jesus did that for you . You respond by living the life to which Jesus has called you . Shower the people you love - which should be everyone - with love . The love of God in Christ . I would guess most of you have seen a picture of Jesus carrying a lamb on His shoulders , like the one on the screen . I like this picture . It is the image I most often associate with today 's text : We are sheep cared for by a loving , good Shepherd . How many of you have personal experience with sheep ? We look at a picture like this and think they are so cute and adorable . But looks can be deceiving . I don 't have a lot of experience with sheep , but I do remember in high school , our Youth Group staged a live nativity scene every year at our church in Dallas . One year we had some sheep that managed to get away from us when one kid didn 't close the gate . We spent half the night chasing them around Sparkman - Hillcrest Cemetery . Can you imagine what that looked like when the police showed up … and they did ! I remember reaching the conclusion that evening that sheep are stupid , smelly animals . How much do you know about sheep ? Do you know what they are like , how they act , how to care for them , how they smell , and so on ? If you do , you have a much deeper understanding of and appreciation for the Scripture passages that talk about sheep and shepherds , especially when it talks about the Good Shepherd who loves His sheep and calls them by name and lays down His life for them . But I would guess that most of you don 't know too much about sheep . There aren 't that many around here . I read a while back that before nylon and rayon were invented , the state of Wyoming alone had more than half as many sheep as there are in the entire United States today . With the exception of the infrequent encounter at a petting zoo , we are not exposed to sheep today . The things that I have read about sheep are revealing . A man describing the first time he saw a sheep shearing said the barn was small but the noise was big . You could hardly hear yourself think with all the people shouting and shears running . One man would grab a sheep from the pen and drag it to the shearer . The shearer jerked the sheep up on its haunches and went to work . Thick swatches of wool peeled off to the floor . But it was the people making all the noise . The sheep made no struggle , no sound . It was just like that verse from Isaiah : He was oppressed and afflicted , yet he did not open his mouth ; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter , and as a sheep before her shearers is silent , so he did not open his mouth . ( Isaiah 53 : 7 ) . In Bible times , whenever sheep and shepherds were used to illustrate a truth about God , people understood the point of comparison . They were familiar with sheep . Israel was sheep country . In those days , it was an important animal . It gave food in the form of both milk and meat . It 's wool provided clothing . Tents were made from their skins . Three basic needs of life , food , clothing & shelter , came from sheep . Despite their stupidity , their stubbornness and their smell , they were creatures of great worth . Sheep are sturdy and stocky , able to withstand the elements , efficient producers of meat and wool even on a sparse pasture . At the same time , they are helpless . They have no defenses against predators . They are at the mercy of bears , wolves , coyotes , and wild dogs . They get into all kinds of jams from which they can 't get themselves out . They get lost at the drop of a hat . They are not good at seeking out grass and water . They are dependent creatures . Without a shepherd , they would die . I read that if you take sheep to a new and unfamiliar barnyard , they huddle together , immobilized by fear . They will easily die if they aren 't shown the water tank and the way to grassy pastures . Sheep need someone to lead them . Sheep are so stupid they can even be self - destructive . One farmer described an obstinate , big - bellied old ewe whose favorite place in the pasture was a dip in the meadow about four feet square . She 'd go there to lie down when she was done grazing . When she 'd try to get up again , she couldn 't because the dip was too deep and she was too fat . She would lie there helpless until the farmer came to boost her up on her feet . You think she might learn her lesson . But she didn 't . The next day the farmer would find her in the same place again . That farmer probably shook his head in disgust . He knew what Isaiah meant when he wrote We all , like sheep , have gone astray , each of us has turned to his own way ; ( Isaiah 53 : 6 ) . I 've pointed out a lot of things about sheep this morning that are less than flattering . And I want to be sure you make the connection : the Bible says that we are just like sheep ! We get ourselves into all kinds of predicaments because of our stupidity . We get lost and cannot find the way home - lost in our own sinfulness . We wander aimlessly after our self - centered desires and interests . We lie down with the same bad habits and cannot stand on our feet again . We often don 't know where the good pasture is , or where fresh water can be found . Without our Shepherd , we would certainly die ! That same farmer described how the sheep once resisted him for two hours on a cold , rainy day when he was trying to drive them into the barn where it was warm and dry . They didn 't trust their own shepherd , who had nothing but their welfare at heart . That 's how sheep are . The prophet Isaiah knew sheep as well as he knew the lost condition of Israel . And speaking by inspiration , he held out a beacon of hope to a lost people : God 's promise of a shepherd - a Good Shepherd - who would save the sheep : Here is your God ! … He tends His flock like a shepherd : He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart ( Isaiah 40 : 9 - 11 ) . That was God 's ancient promise . And when the timing was just right , He sent His Son to be that Good Shepherd . He sent Him into this world to gather the flock , tenderly care for the sheep , and even to sacrifice Himself for the welfare of the flock . I am the Good Shepherd … the Good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep . A shepherd lives a life of considerable sacrifice . He must be dedicated to caring for the foolish creatures in his charge . He goes where the sheep go , traveling the countryside , leading them to pasture , protecting them from danger , hunting for the lost ones . The Good Shepherd not only led a life of sacrifice , but also offered His life as the sacrifice for the sheep . He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree , so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness ; by his wounds you have been healed . For you were like sheep going astray , but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls . ( 1 Peter 2 : 24 - 25 ) It is because He laid down His life that all who believe in Him receive the benefit of His death , which the Scriptures assure us is life and salvation . Jesus gave His life so that you and I could have forgiveness and life . God gives this freely to all who put their faith in the Good Shepherd . The Good Shepherd gathers people into one flock , His Church . It is in His Church that we drink from the living water of His Word . He washes us in Baptism . We feed on the blessed Sacrament of His Body and Blood and receive forgiveness . He keeps us safe and binds our wounds . He cares for you , His sheep . And He knows you , all of you , who belong to Him . He knows your needs , your weaknesses , the groanings of your heart . And He loves you . You can sing confidently : There was a traveler in Israel who walked along with a shepherd . He noticed that there was one older sheep that moved with difficulty and always stayed close to the shepherd . Curious , he asked the shepherd why that sheep walked with a limp and was never far from his side . The shepherd explained , " That sheep is one of the oldest in the flock . Soon after it was born , I discovered that it was partly deaf . When it was a lamb , it kept straying from the fold where it couldn 't hear my voice . Many times I rescued it from the brink of destruction . At last , I had to inflict that injury on its leg myself . I broke its leg . Ever since that day , it has limped , but it now stays close to me for guidance and protection . " You may have something that makes you limp through life . You may have experienced sorrow , bitter disappointment , or some bodily affliction . If you carry a burden that causes you to limp , you can be certain that in His love for you , God will use that burden to draw you closer to the Shepherd 's side . You may limp , but you are blessed if you are limping at the side of the Good Shepherd . That affliction should draw you closer to the Shepherd of your soul , leading you to place your confidence in the one who loved you enough to die for your sins and rose again so that you could have eternal life . If He has already given you eternal life , He will certainly provide for your needs here . Perhaps you have heard the story about the little boy who rehearsed faithfully for his part in the Sunday School program at church . On the day of the program , he stood up to recite . He began , " The Lord is my Shepherd … " and then he stopped , unable to remember what came next . The teacher whispered , " I shall not want ! " The boy didn 't seem to hear , so she whispered a little louder , " I shall not want ! " A big smile came across his face , and he started again : " The Lord is my Shepherd , that 's all I want ! " Though the words were wrong , they could not have been more correct . The Lord is my Shepherd , that 's all I want . May that be your confidence . John 20 : 19 - 31 19 On the evening of that first day of the week , when the disciples were together , with the doors locked for fear of the Jews , Jesus came and stood among them and said , " Peace be with you ! " 20 After he said this , he showed them his hands and side . The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord . 21 Again Jesus said , " Peace be with you ! As the Father has sent me , I am sending you . " 22 And with that he breathed on them and said , " Receive the Holy Spirit . 23 If you forgive anyone his sins , they are forgiven ; if you do not forgive them , they are not forgiven . " 24 Now Thomas ( called Didymus ) , one of the Twelve , was not with the disciples when Jesus came . 25 So the other disciples told him , " We have seen the Lord ! " But he said to them , " Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were , and put my hand into his side , I will not believe it . " 26 A week later his disciples were in the house again , and Thomas was with them . Though the doors were locked , Jesus came and stood among them and said , " Peace be with you ! " 27 Then he said to Thomas , " Put your finger here ; see my hands . Reach out your hand and put it into my side . Stop doubting and believe . " 28 Thomas said to him , " My Lord and my God ! " 29 Then Jesus told him , " Because you have seen me , you have believed ; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed . " 30 Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples , which are not recorded in this book . 31 But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ , the Son of God , and that by believing you may have life in his name . I know that this text usually leads us to give Thomas a hard time . Why couldn 't he just believe what the others told him ? Why did he have to be so skeptical , so much so that " doubting Thomas " is part of our vocabulary ? What I want you to consider with me today is that Thomas was not unique . In fact , he was typical . He didn 't believe until he saw it with his own eyes . When Jesus walked on the water , He invited Peter to come out and join him . Peter got out of the boat , started toward the Lord , but became frightened by the wind and the waves and began to sink . Jesus said , " You of little faith … why did you doubt ? " ( Matthew 14 : 31 ) Yet how often do we call him " Doubting Peter ? " Do you remember when Jesus saw the fig tree with no fruit on it ? He cursed it and it died . The disciples marveled at this , to which Jesus replied " I tell you the truth , if you have faith and do not doubt , not only can you do what was done to the fig tree , but also you can say to this mountain , ' Go , throw yourself into the sea , ' and it will be done . " ( Matthew 21 : 21 ) In Luke 's account of Jesus appearing to the disciples on Easter evening , Jesus asked them all " Why are you troubled , and why do doubts rise in your minds ? Look at my hands and my feet . It is I myself ! Touch me and see ; a ghost does not have flesh and bones , as you see I have . " ( Luke 24 : 38 - 39 ) At the end of Matthew 's Gospel , just prior to the great commission , we are told that Jesus appeared to the 11 disciples on a mountain in Galilee . When they saw him , they worshiped him ; but some doubted . ( Matthew 28 : 17 ) There are plenty of instances of other doubters , yet none of them have been saddled with the label Thomas has . This all goes to my point that Thomas was typical , not unique . All people are by nature doubters . And Thomas was not asking for anything other than what the other disciples had already seen . In this text from John 20 , it says that Jesus appeared to the disciples , said , " Peace be with you ! " and then After he said this , he showed them his hands and side . Perhaps they even had to opportunity to touch the Lord . But Thomas was not there , he was deprived of the proof the others had all seen . So when they tell him " We have seen the Lord , " he says he wants the same proof they claim to have seen . Instead of giving Thomas such a bum rap , we should remember that he was one of the disciples who had earlier been willing to die with Jesus . Let 's go back to John 11 . If you have your Bible , turn to that chapter . In chapter 10 , Jesus had been teaching in Jerusalem , and the Jews became so angry with Him that they tried to stone Him . So Jesus withdrew from the city . Then , in chapter 11 , word reaches our Lord that His friend , Lazarus , is very ill . Jesus does not go right away , because He knows that all this will work to show God 's glory . He waits until He knows Lazarus is dead , then tells His disciples it is time to go back to Judea . They remember that the Jews there had tried to kill Him , so they ask , " Uh , Jesus , do you think that is a good idea ? Maybe we should go somewhere else ? " Let 's pick it up at verse 11 : After he had said this , he went on to tell them , " Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep ; but I am going there to wake him up . " His disciples replied , " Lord , if he sleeps , he will get better . " Jesus had been speaking of his death , but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep . So then he told them plainly , " Lazarus is dead , and for your sake I am glad I was not there , so that you may believe . But let us go to him . " Then Thomas ( called Didymus ) said to the rest of the disciples , " Let us also go , that we may die with him . " ( John 11 : 11 - 16 ) In both of these instances , Thomas , and the other disciples , were faced with death . The death of Lazarus , the death of Jesus , and the possibility of their own death . Death is that final enemy , that ever - present force that dictates so much of what we do , the decisions we make . Think how much of our world today is driven by death . I remember reading a while back that Ford Motor Company spends more on employee health care each year than it does on steel to make cars . Health care , nutrition science , fitness programs , the weight control industry , safety regulations and medical research dominate the modern scene . And they can 't seem to agree on the evils or benefits of eggs , coffee , alcohol and so on . With all of the effort and money spent on research fighting cancer , heart disease , diabetes , and all the rest , it seems as though death is pulling all the strings . Death appears to be in control . Let 's go back to John 11 . Death was all around . They had tried to kill Jesus . Lazarus had died . Thomas was resigned to dying with the Lord . Yet Jesus seems oblivious to it all , somehow free from it all , or , better yet , above it all . When they arrive , Jesus greets Martha . She was grieving , and in the midst of all this death , Jesus says those words we all know so well . I am the resurrection and the life . He who believes in me will live , even though he dies ; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die . ( John 11 : 25 - 26 ) Then Jesus did what He did at every funeral He went to : He broke it up . He called Lazarus out of the tomb . Jesus had come that death may die ! Shortly after this , Jesus was Himself placed in a tomb . Even with all they had seen Jesus do , the disciples only saw now that death had apparently conquered their master . He told them that He must die to pay for the sins of the world . And yes , the battle was over . Jesus had declared so by saying , " It is finished . " But the end result was not what appeared to be so obvious to those grieving followers of our Lord . Jesus won the war . He had grabbed death by the throat , throttled it , and choked all the power out of it . He rose to proclaim that victory , and then showed Himself to His disciples with many convincing proofs ( Acts 1 : 3 ) . Jesus had won . Thomas had to be convinced that death had not conquered Jesus . So do you and I . We have the account of the eyewitnesses passed down to us . Because the Spirit of God has worked in our hearts to lead us to faith , we are numbered among those Jesus calls blessed : blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed . As those who are blessed , those who believe that Jesus is the Christ , the risen Son of God , we should not let death jerk us around . Death is not in control . Death should not be in control . Jesus lives , the victory has been won , and He is Lord of all . Let 's remind each other of that as we sing together the final two stanzas of this hymn : Today we look the crossroad Jesus faced as he moved toward the cross , the crossroad of suffering . The individual we will consider today is one of the disciples of Jesus who was with him throughout his years of ministry and at the last , as he went toward the cross . Today we think about Simon . No , not Simon Peter . The other disciple named Simon . This Simon is often referred to as Simon the Zealot . What do you think of when you hear " zealot ? " What it meant for this Simon was rebel or revolutionary . He had joined a group that was working to get rid of the Romans . Think along the lines of the French Resistance during WWII . Some members of this group were wanted by the Roman authorities for acts of terrorism . Others were quiet supporters of the cause who wanted to see Rome out of their country and their lives . So where did Simon fit in all of this ? He was part of the rebel group , but then he came across this Jesus of Nazareth . He recognized that Jesus was someone special , someone different . Jesus was someone with power and authority , a man of action . Jesus fed thousands with a couple of fish and loaves . He had power to calm a storm . He effortlessly escaped religious leaders who wanted to harm Him , and those leaders were nothing more than lackeys for Rome . Jesus talked of the coming of the Kingdom of God . Simon wanted to be in on that kingdom . If anyone could pull it off , Jesus could . But what about Jesus saying his path included suffering and death ? Simon was like the other disciples . They were so sure he was going to overthrow the Romans and establish the new rule of King David that they didn 't even hear those things . Or if they did hear them , they thought Jesus was talking in images . Most of the disciples were hoping for a new ruler and thought Jesus could be that ruler . Jesus was immensely popular . People flocked to him . Thousands sought him out . His name was on every lip when he raised Lazarus . Even Greeks , foreigners were attracted to him . Then He did exactly what they thought he should do : He paraded into Jerusalem on a donkey , just like the Scriptures said the new king would do . He came into Jerusalem with the shouts of people proclaiming him the Messiah , the new king . They shouted a kingly greeting , they threw their cloaks in his way , they called out : Hosanna ! God saves ! At that moment , Jesus could have been everything they wanted him to be . He could have called the people to rebellion , he could have moved the masses against the Romans , against the corrupt religious rulers … but he did not . That had to be confusing for His followers . How could a leader with his authority , with his place as the chosen one of God , with his connection with the Father , how could He fail to act against the evil surrounding them ? All He did was drive some money - changers out of the temple , and after that , nothing . The only other thing He did was share the Passover meal with us and go to the Garden to pray . There were no speeches to the crowd , no call to action , no rallying the troops , nothing like that . And it got worse . When they went to the Garden with Jesus , he was arrested . They took Him to the High Priest and He was on trial . And He did nothing . As I said , all this had to be confusing . How could Jesus choose to allow himself to be humiliated before the council and before the Roman governor , choose to go meekly to the cross . How could he make the choice to suffer and die ? Do you understand the choice Jesus made at the crossroad of suffering ? Jesus once said , After Jesus died and rose again , Simon and the others began to understand . When Jesus invited them into his kingdom , he was not asking them to rule on earth . He was inviting them into a spiritual kingdom , marked by believers who would follow him , even to the cross . When Jesus faced that crossroad of suffering , Simon and the other Zealots faced a crossroad as well . They had to choose whether to continue to follow the risen Christ or seek another leader who might give them the success in rebellion that they sought . And the rest of the disciples stood at a similar crossroad . They could have gone their own way , sought their own successes , found what they thought they needed . But they chose to stay with Jesus . By the power of the Spirit they stayed , even though they knew that it might cost them their lives . Jesus warned they would be persecuted , hated and even put to death , but they joined him in his choice . They chose to follow . Those of us who were not there , who did not walk with Jesus , who did not see his miracles or hear his voice … How can we make that kind of choice ? Even though you did not see Him the way those first disciples did , you have seen Jesus in the hands of those who have loved and helped you . You have seen his miracles in the hearts of those changed by his power . You have heard his voice in the voice of those who have brought you the Word . You have been touched by the same Spirit and can make the same choice . And remember what Jesus said to Thomas after the Resurrection : Blessed are those who have not seen yet have believed . ( John 20 : 29 ) Jesus calls you to follow , to lose your life for his sake , to take the narrow road of discipleship . And he promises to walk with you , to give you his strength and to receive you into his eternal kingdom . Remember St . Paul wrote : For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us … For in this hope we were saved . Now hope that is seen is not hope . For who hopes for what he sees ? But if we hope for what we do not see , we await for it with patience . Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness … because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God . And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good , for those who are called according to his purpose " ( Romans 8 : 18 , 24 - 28 ) . " No , in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us . For I am sure that neither death nor life , nor angels nor rulers , nor things present nor things to come , nor powers , nor height nor depth , nor anything else in all creation , will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord . " ( Romans 8 : 37 - 39 ) . When you come to a Crossroad . You have to make a decision . Sometimes that happens with little or no thought , especially if you have been down that road before and know where you are going . But other times the choice is not as easy . In fact , it can be downright difficult or even agonizing . Which way should I go ? The answer is not always easy . A crossroad can bring pain : emotional , spiritual and physical . It might even bring you to your knees , which is not always a bad thing . Today we are thinking about a crossroad that I will call " declaration . " We do so by considering the apostle Peter . We hear a lot about Peter in the Bible , some good , some not so good . Peter is famous for his choices ; some he would be proud of , some not so much . First and foremost , Peter was an apostle of Jesus Christ . He spent his life sharing the good news of Jesus . He had been a follower of Jesus , was sent out by Jesus , and then spent the rest of his life serving Jesus . Did he always get things right ? No , not any more than we do . And that is why he is such a good example for us to observe . Peter did not always make good choices . Sometimes he failed miserably . How could he deny knowing Jesus ? That is hard for us to understand . He was a leader of the disciples , the one who seemed to understand Jesus and what he was doing as Messiah . He was even commended by Jesus for the bold testimony he offered : " You are the Christ , the Son of the living God ! " Peter said he knew Jesus was the Messiah , the promised one , and for that Jesus called him blessed . Could it get any better ? " Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall . " Peter was warned , but even with that warning , he denied Jesus . Not once , not twice , but three times . " I don 't know the man . " The one who correctly identified Jesus as the Son of God , the one who pledged to stand by Him even to the point of death , the one who swung his sword trying to defend his Lord now says he doesn 't even know him . If he could go back and face that crossroad again , I imagine he would make a different choice . He thought he knew what Jesus was doing and that he was on the same page as his Lord . But he was wrong . Jesus had told them he was going to suffer and die , but that did not sink in or register with Peter . Especially after seeing the parade into the city of Jerusalem where Jesus was welcomed like a coming king . Peter wanted to believe Jesus was poised to take over this part of the world for the benefit of His people . He thought that God 's Messiah was the king and ruler they needed . The talk about suffering didn 't fit . When Peter was at the high priest 's courtyard , everything was going wrong . None of it was making sense . Jesus was not supposed to be arrested . He was not supposed to be on trial . Where was his power ? Where were his miracles ? Where was his ability to simply walk away when they threatened him ? Peter was confused . When they accused him of being with Jesus , he was watching Jesus fail before his eyes . And Peter failed as well . " I don 't know the man . " Can you blame him , really ? He was afraid . He was baffled , confused , disappointed , in despair . I 'm not trying to excuse what he did , but to help you understand the context . Peter stood at the crossroad : Are you with Jesus or not ? He said he was not . Previously he had said he would even die with Jesus . Did he mean that ? Or was that yet another time he spoke without thinking . Maybe he was trying to impress Jesus and the others . Maybe Peter was trying to make himself look good . He wanted Jesus to respect him and he wanted to be appreciated for what he was doing . But what about the warning Jesus gave ? Wasn 't Peter listening ? I have to believe Jesus said a lot of things Peter didn 't understand . And there were certainly times Peter simply didn 't listen . He thought he was strong and secure in his position as a follower of Jesus . He was sure he would be able to stand up for Him , speak up for Him , even fight for Him . But when push came to shove , he made the wrong choice . He could not say the words he knew he should say . In a moment of darkness , he made a bad decision . Think how terrible that had to be for Peter . When you are in those situations , it is not comfortable . It is a struggle . What should you do ? What should you say ? What if I say the wrong thing ? Will I be effective or will I look and sound foolish ? Isn 't it better to just keep quiet ? You may not face a time when your words would put you in danger for your life , but there are times when we all find ourselves at a crossroad that calls on us to boldly speak Jesus ' name and God 's will , and we fail . We do not speak the words that we should , when we should . We make the same mistake Peter did . Just remember : this was not the end of Peter 's story . He did not finish his discipleship in tears of failure . Jesus sought him out and found him that day on the beach , after he had risen . He loved Peter enough to call him back even after he had turned his back on Jesus . " Do you love me ? " Jesus asked him three times , and then told Peter to feed his lambs and sheep . Jesus wants to do the same for you . He seeks you out and calls you back to Himself . He does not leave you in your failure . He does not turn away . He is there every day with the forgiveness you need to go on one more day , to face one more test , to stand at one more crossroad . And by his power , the power of his Holy Spirit , he enables you to be what he wants you to be , what you want to be . St . Paul said : For I am not ashamed of the gospel , for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes . . . ( Romans 1 : 16 ) . That 's our affirmation , that 's our calling . We know that Jesus came into this world to save sinners , and that is us . We know that He lived without sin so that He could offer His sinless life as the sacrifice that would pay for the sins of all people . We believe that His death paid for our sin and His resurrection is our guarantee of eternal life . So we want to stand and speak the Good News because of all He has done us . It is His power , not ours . In week four of looking at Crossroads we encounter in our lives , we think about a fellow named Malchus , a guard and servant of the high priest in Israel . He was not what you would call " high profile . " He was not someone well - known among his people . He was a servant . It was not a glamorous job . He got along , did his work , and tried to stay out of the spotlight . But he has an important story to share with us . After all , most of us are not well - known or serving in glamorous , high - profile positions . In other words , Malchus was one of us . And His life was changed by a simple act of kindness . He was an important character in the story of Jesus . He was with the crowd that had come to arrest Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane . Perhaps he had seen Jesus before . Had he been in the company of those Pharisees and other leaders when they questioned Jesus , trying to trap Him in His words and looking for something they could use against Him ? If so , Malchus heard how Jesus was never at a loss for an answer . He would have heard Jesus speak simply and plainly about God 's plan for His people , how they should live . He could have observed Jesus helping those in need and the gentle way He dealt with everyone . Malchus may have wondered , " Why are the Jewish leaders so dead set against Jesus ? " There was nothing wrong with what He did or said . But as you and I know , the Jewish rulers saw Jesus as a threat . They heard that some of His followers wanted to make him a king , to start a revolt , to kick out the Romans . And the Jewish leaders wanted none of that . Well , maybe getting rid of the Romans wouldn 't be so bad . After all , they were oppressors of the Jewish people . But the Jewish leaders wanted none of that other stuff . If Jesus were made king , what would happen to the High Priest and his authority ? Remember , that was the one Malchus served . If the High Priest lost his position , what would happen to his servants ? At any rate , Malchus was among those who had gone to arrest Jesus and bring him back to be put on trial . They were expecting trouble , that Jesus and His followers might put up a fight . His followers had weapons , and most likely would resist having their Master arrested . Malchus lived in a world that had much the same mindset as the world today . Protect yourself . Stand up for yourself . If someone strikes you , strike back . In fact , it might be better if you struck first , given the chance . Every man for Himself . And Malchus would have assumed that Jesus and His followers would act the same way . In a way , that is what happened . Peter , lashed out with his sword and cut off Malchus ' ear . After recovering from the initial shock , he was probably ready to strike back . That 's what he knew . That 's how he lived . Strike back quickly ! But that was not the way things went . Malchus didn 't strike back . Jesus stopped Him . He spoke in a quiet , but commanding tone . He told His followers not to resist . Put away your swords . This had to happen . This was why Jesus had come . And then our Lord reached out to Malchus . Jesus was not reaching out to Malchus in a threatening way . It was not an attack . It was a gentle touch , a healing touch , and instantly his ear was made whole again . Malchus had been touched by the Master . And it was more than just his ear . His spirit was touched as well . Here was one who had the power to strike back . He said He could have called down armies from heaven . He could have wiped out His betrayer and the troops with him . But that was not why Jesus had come . He came to heal , to care , to love , and to save . When Malchus experienced the gentle touch of Jesus , he had to see things in a new way . An encounter with Jesus changes you . Malchus stood at a crossroad . He had gone there to arrest Jesus . And now Jesus had shown him compassion and kindness . How would he respond ? We often find ourselves standing at a crossroad , a place where we have to make a choice between retaliation or compassion . Which do we normally choose ? I would guess that most often we respond in kind . That is the way of the world in which we live . When Jesus was faced with that decision , he chose compassion , even though Malchus was among those who had come to do Him harm . Jesus looks at people with compassion . Matthew 's Gospel lists several occasions where Jesus looked at the crowds following him and had compassion on them . That is a word that means a feeling that comes from deep inside of you , from your gut , a desire to help those in need . And that is what Jesus feels . A desire to help . Whether it was the people living like sheep without a shepherd , the crowds that were hungry before He fed them with a few fish and loaves , or a guy who just had his ear lopped off . Jesus was full of compassion . But it goes even deeper than that . It was His compassion that led him to go willingly with his captors , offer no resistance at His trial , carry His cross to the place of execution , and willingly take His place on that cross . This was why He had come . This was His mission , to offer Himself for the sins of the world . And that is what He did . You and I have experienced this healing touch of Jesus in our lives . We know and believe and confess that Jesus did this for us , which gives us the guarantee of forgiveness and life and salvation . And that changes who we are , in the same way that compassionate touch of Jesus had to have changed Malchus . Malchus was nobody special in the eyes of the world . Neither are we . But Jesus looked on him and each of us with love and compassion . Jesus sees you as someone special , someone worth dying for . And that is what He did . He died for you so that you could have forgiveness and everlasting life . Hopefully the same is true for all of us who have experienced the compassion of Jesus in our lives . When you are tempted to strike back at someone who has hurt you , to get even with one who has insulted or injured you , can you see the face of Jesus ? Can you remember how He reached out to you in your wounded and separated condition to rescue you from sin and death ? You know that in Jesus you are forgiven . You know that Jesus went to the cross for you , that he healed you by his death and resurrection . He showed you compassion . This is our third week to consider what happens in our lives when we come to critical crossroads . One minute everything seems to be going great , when all of a sudden we are confronted with an important decision or choice . Which way is right ? Which makes sense ? Which is God 's way ? It is not always easy to tell or discern . Pilate was a man who held a position of authority . He was used to having people treat him with respect because they knew he was a powerful representative of the Roman Emperor . And yet many today consider him a poster child symbol of weakness and dishonor . Why ? Because of how he acted in the most visible and memorable event of his life : the trial of Jesus . Perhaps from Pilate 's point of view , he felt he was put in an impossible position , that he had no choice . We can look back on the story and see any number of places where Pilate had options , where he could have acted differently , but we have the advantage of hindsight . We were not there , having to actually make the decisions at that point in time . Pilate did what he thought had to be done . But did he really have to release that killer , Barabbas ? Evidently , he thought it was necessary . He was trying to find a way to release Jesus and not cause trouble with the Jewish religious leaders . He knew they were troublemakers , and they were the ones who brought Jesus before him in the first place . Pilate also knew they were simply using Him to do their dirty work . They hated Jesus . He stood up to them , condemned them to their face and threatened their place of authority , not to mention their cash flow . They wanted Jesus gone . They wanted Him dead . And Pilate was the way to make that happen . So then why bother with Barabbas ? Pilate could have made the choice to release Jesus . He had the power . But he was trying to keep the peace . And he feared that if he released Jesus , the Jews might run to the emperor with the story . They had done it before , and he didn 't want any more trouble like that in his life . He was under a lot of pressure . Sure , his wife warned him not to condemn Jesus , but what did she know ? He was the one facing the choice . And the way he saw it , it was him or Jesus . Sure , Jesus was innocent and should have been set free . But if Pilate did that , he would have risked his position and his future for some nobody he neither knew nor cared about . He wasn 't even a Roman citizen ! We look at Pilate and wonder , " how could he condemn Jesus and hand him over to be crucified when he knew that Jesus was innocent ? " He knew it was wrong but he did it anyway . How could he ? Maybe we should take a closer look at ourselves . How many times have you made a choice that would make life easier for you , even though you knew it was not the best choice , or even the right choice ? What about the guy who cheats on his income tax , the woman who tells the story about someone even though she knows it will hurt , the youth who goes along and tries the drugs ? Sure , they have pressure . They have to do what seems best in the moment . They convince themselves a little shading here or lying there won 't hurt . And there are those who run others down to make themselves look better , those who lie to improve their standing in the community , and … Well , you know the sins as well as I do . What about those judgment choices ? Are they better than the one Pilate made ? We all make bad choices . We all stand convicted of our sin . But there still stands before us the innocent one who stood before Pilate . The one who went to the cross because of your sin , the same Jesus who rose to give you life - he offers you forgiveness for your failed choices and for the pain your choices have caused . You are given a gift that you need more than anything else : You are forgiven and free in Jesus . Remember what God has done for you in Jesus when you come to the crossroad where you have to make a judgment . Let that guide your choice . You are made new by God 's grace each day . You have the confidence that " if we confess our sins , he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness " ( 1 John 1 : 9 ) . And you can rejoice in that . Crossroads . They are there for all of us . When you come to those places where you must make a choice , how do you know which is the correct choice ? What waits down the different paths that lay before you ? Which way does your heart call you to go ? Which makes sense ? Which is God 's way ? This morning we think about an expert on the crossroad of temptation . We are going to consider the one whose name has become synonymous with the sin of betrayal . His name says " failure of loyalty , failure of will , failure itself . " Today we think about Judas Iscariot . What do you know about this disciple of Jesus ? Sometimes we forget that is what he was : a disciple of Jesus . We hear his name and go straight to condemnation . Have you ever known someone named Judas ? Of course not . After all , we know the story . He handed Jesus over to the Jewish authorities for a few pieces of silver . And this was in spite of being warned . How could this happen to someone who hung out with Jesus for three years ? We read in Scripture about that night Jesus was betrayed and wonder : " How could any of this have happened ? " Part of the answer is that Judas had decided what he was going to do before this night . He had previously come to the crossroads and decided to betray Jesus and take the money . And that choice turned out to be a disaster . But didn 't Judas know it would turn out that way ? He had to know that betraying Jesus would lead to his Lord 's arrest and even his death ! So why did Judas go through with it ? Maybe it was not as clear cut as we make it out to be . Judas made the choice to take the money because he thought he needed more money . Besides , Jesus kept promising that he was going to set up a kingdom and that His disciples would be rewarded . Perhaps Judas got tired of waiting for the rewards and decided to take matters into his own hands . And then Jesus started talking about suffering and dying . Judas didn 't need that . He needed money . Satan had convinced him that it was no big deal and wouldn 't be so bad . After all , Jesus wasn 't exactly hiding . He rode into Jerusalem in a grand procession , appeared in the temple and on the streets . Where was the harm in simply pointing him out ? He could escape easily . He had done it before . Judas thought this act was nothing , that Jesus would just disappear through the crowd as he had in the past . It seemed like such a good idea at the time . All that silver . That 's a lot of money . And he may have thought he was doing Jesus a favor , getting him in a place where he could begin the revolution that would overcome the Romans and start his new kingdom . He thought he was doing the right thing . At least that is what Satan was whispering to Judas , trying to justify this betrayal . And the money . People do some terrible things because they want to get their hands on money and what it can buy . Everyone thinks that they understand how Satan works , that he is there trying to get us to do bad things . Not true . What he is actually doing is trying to make us believe that the evil that lies before us at the crossroad is actually good , that it will all work out for the good . He is not just trying to make us do wrong , but to think wrong . Every sin starts with a twisted thought . Look at Jesus when he was tempted by Satan . Some of those things that Satan was trying to get Jesus to do were not wrong in themselves . Jesus could have turned stones to bread and not have sinned , but Satan was tempting him like he tempts us : If you are the Son of God , if you really are , you can use your power for yourself . Sin starts in the mind , in the will , in the choice . A business man faces a choice to cut the quality of his products . No one will be hurt , he thinks . He is just doing good business . And he makes the choice . He convinces himself that what he is doing is not wrong . Or someone says that getting back at another person who has caused hurt is a good thing to do . It will teach him or her a lesson , we think . The sin begins in the thoughts that lead us to excuse our bad choices , to justify what we are doing . And then we find ourselves down the wrong road - in the middle of the terrible outcome of our choice . And then … it is too late . Or at least we think it is too late . The devil wants you to believe it is too late . When Judas realized what the outcome of his choice , when he saw Jesus arrested and condemned , he could not face himself , his future , his God . He despaired . And he acted on that despair by taking his own lIfe . Hear me when I say this : when you find yourself going down the wrong road , facing the consequences of your choice , that is the time to turn back . Repent . Turn around . Turn away from the bad choice . Turn back to the one whom you have betrayed : Your God who loves you . Judas did not do that because he thought his sin was unforgiveable . Judas had betrayed the chosen one of God and thought it was too late for him . But it is never too late - never too late to turn . If you learn anything from Judas , it should be this : No matter what the sin , no matter the terrible outcome of your choice , no matter how great the disaster , it is never too late . It is never too late to come to the cross , come to the broken Savior , come to the empty tomb and be made whole . It was precisely for this reason that Jesus came into this world . Paul affirmed that when he wrote : It is never too late to turn away from sin and back to God . This is true even when the pain is so deep it cannot be spoken , even when the separation from God seems too far , when the damage seems too severe , it is never too late . You can be assured that these words are true : Even though Judas chose the wrong path , he could have been forgiven . we can always turn to our Lord and receive his forgiveness . Why ? Because of what Jesus did . He lived . He died . He rose . He conquered . All of this so that those who believe in Him could have forgiveness , life and salvation . No matter what you have done . |
It was really great to talk to you on Christmas ! It was something that I really took for granted before . My Christmas was great and fun ! The weather is starting to warm up here a little bit . Had a good English practice : Christmas Edition . if he wanted to get baptized . We were all worried when sacrament started without Yuri . But we just placed it in the hands of the Lord and he showed up ! It was a miracle ! Me and Elder Sumner were on splits this week and had an outstanding day . I swear the streets were prepared for us because of how many people we were able to talk to and share our message and receive their numbers . I My Christmas was awesome ! We were hoping and praying that we could do some service on Christmas . We couldn 't find anything and just planned to contact and do what we always do . But while we were planning Egor called us and asked us to help him with a pemont ( repair ) on a wall in his house . When we arrived I saw chunks of broken wall scattered all over the floor and Egor with a dumbbell in his hand smashing the wall . It was quite a site and he told us in broken English , " This is man work " . We ended up throwing the broken wall out of his window that is 2 coldest it got was - 35 . I just about got frost bite but it was cool feeling a cold that I have never felt before in my whole life . The nice reason my email say bad week in America is because the Panthers lost . Dang it . I thought they were going to have the perfect season . At least we have the Superbowl we can still win . this letter is so short ! I 'll try to do better ! I am having a great time out here ! I love it ! I wish everyone a happy new year ! here in Russia is an amazing opportunity , each new day brings a new experience and challenges . Today in the USA its Christmas , the magic is all around you . Your missionary has been looking forward to this day for a long time , that once or twice a year experience to " Phone Home " however the internet here is not as reliable as we would like , and today you are receiving this email it 's because your missionary has called us , Elder and / or Sister Anderson and they have been disappointed and frustrated in trying to reach you ! We are very sorry for this inconvenience . They Love You ! They are Safe ! And believe me when I say they wish they could be " Home for the Holidays " . But they are serving the Lord and today Christmas Day they will be acting as a servant of Christ , sharing the gospel with those who need them EVEN more than you do . We were pretty let down but decided to be positive and pray that he was not feeling worse than we were since he is the one so far away from home . Then we received this email about an hour later : Hello this is Elder Lyman from Angarsk . We 've been having some problems . We Your sons will be calling from skype in about an hour to 2 hours . He looked SO great and sounded even better ! He is happy and immersed in the Lord 's work ! We couldn 't be prouder of this boy ! Best Christmas present ever ! Merry Christmas everyone ! What an opportunity it is to celebrate the birth of our Redeemer ! Without Christ we wouldn 't have this holiday . We should all strive to remember the true meaning and give thanks to our Heavenly Father for giving his only begotten son who died for us . Who made it possible for us to live again with him . Who suffered indescribable pain and suffering for each of us . He was perfect and his friends betrayed him . How wonderful his birth and magnificent his life . How horrible his death , but how glorious his resurrection ! He satisfied the demands of justice and gives out unending mercy . How much we all owe him but how little we can pay . But he accepts it and pays the rest . In our weaknesses he makes us strong . I am grateful beyond words for him and for what he has done for us . The little baby boy born in Bethlehem . This week was really good . We were on the streets a lot and it was pretty cold but I 'm in Russia so everything is fine . I think that a lot . You are in Russia . It blows my mind every time . On our way to Hari Krishna this week ( we always take a bus there ) our bus stop came and I told Elder De Sandre a little late that it was ours and it was our time to get off . So I got off and looked back at the bus and there I saw elder De Sandre pushing through people and he got right in front of the doors just about to step out , then all of a sudden the doors shut and the bus took off down the road . I started laughing so hard . Haha , I was with the other Elders because we both went and we were all dying laughing . We see down the road a ways where the buses next stop was Eler De Sandre jump out of the bus and start running to us . He told us that right when the doors shut he yelled " блын " which means pancake in Russia but they use it as dang it ( we were only speaking Russian ) and he tried to push the button that tells the bus driver to stop but it wasn 't working he said . He is a good guy and he thought it was really funny too . Elder De Sandre 's mom sent with him stockings for him and his future companion ( me ) so we went out and bought treats to stuff in the stockings . Besides that and the tree that is going to be our Christmas here . Oh yeah and we bought presents for each other too . He was saying when he first got here that he was sad that he left his knife at home because it would be so useful here , so I bought him a way nice knife from spetnaz ( military store ) I think he will love it . Like I was saying about Hari Krishna , we go there and serve but there are also people who are a part of their religion who help serve . A few weeks ago we met one of those people there and he asked for our number so we could talk about religion and stuff . We met with him this week and he said he is looking for truth and we taught him the first lesson with Slava . I didn 't really do anything besides call Slava and him because when we started teaching it was basically just Slava and him talking to each other . The lesson was good and he came to game night , and this game night we watched the first presidency Christmas devotional . He watched it and I didn 't get to catch him after it was over to ask how he liked it because he had to get home but I loved it and hope he did to . He was showing us pictures on his phone of his friend who is an Olympic champion . That was pretty cool . I should be seeing you before I write again so until then I wish everyone a Merry Christmas ! I love you all ! This week has been another fun one ! So yes mom , I did buy that shopka from the old AP . I was with him when he bought it off the Renik and he let me wear it because I had nothing and I was cold . I don 't know it just kinda grew on me and now I am so glad I bought it . Speaking of AP 's we have none . I heard we are the only mission in the world like that . I think president was sick of people aspiring to be called to leadership positions so he got rid of them . We still have all the other things though , just not AP 's . It is basically the same without them I think . Who knows how long we will be without them . Doesn 't really matter I guess . I like how president does things . I am really lucky to be called to this mission at this time . President Perkinson is huge on goal setting and accomplishing the goals we have set and that is something I have always wanted to be good at . I know he will have a huge impact on my life . us to get to the church from the Krishna Kitchen so we had to run . It doesn 't matter how cold outside it is . When you have a huge coat on and start moving , it gets really hot . But I am learning a lot . I have a really big desire to get better at this language so for the next few weeks , at least until Christmas , or probably after , me and Elder De Sandre will only be speaking in Russian . Except for our hour of companion study and after 9 : 30 . I have realized that the only way I am going to make any real improvement in Russian is if I speak it almost all the time . This next few weeks will be interesting but I need to do this hard thing now so that I can better help these people . I bought my boots on the Renik this past week ! I got a steal for them . Well , first off the guys keep on bringing me the wrong size of shoe so they already wasted a lot of time with me . He put the boots on my feet and asked for 3500 rubles . I told him I could only go 2000 . After a lot of negotiating and me attempting to leave , I got them for 2000 . They are living situation I am in is very fortunate . I live with Elder De Sandre and Lyman and Sumner . All 3 are great guys and it is a blast to live with them . I think I said this already but Elder Sumner and Elder Lyman went to high school together and now he is training him . I wonder the same and are covered in snow and it was night time . We got there and were greeted by his family . He lives with his mother , his wife and his daughter . He is from Armenia . They brought out apples and this Russian candy and tried really hard to get us to take coffee and tea but was very amazing when he was reading Prophet Joseph 's account . He got to the part that reads , " This is my beloved son , hear him " When he got there he got all quiet and read it really slowly , then paused and read it again . It was amazing to see the power of those words and how much they touched him . The Restoration really happened . I know the prophet Joseph Smith saw what he said he saw . This is Christ 's restored gospel . I know it . your letters ! On the 17th it will be my 6 month mark . Where has the time gone ? I am grateful to be here . I love you all ! Elder Wilding It is so good to be back home in Angarsk . I had a phenomenal time in Vlad but there is just something about Angarsk . I had a good reunion on Sunday with all the church members . I am starting to understand a lot more ! It is still pretty hard for me to say what I want but that will come . I had our conference this week with the whole mission , and like I said before that is a pretty incredible accomplishment because of how spaced out we all are . I heard the flight form Vlad to Angarsk is the equivalent of flying from Florida to Washington . Before on the streets of Vladivostok we were talking with the guy who spoke very good English . I told him I was from Utah and he said , " Oh Utah jazz , very good team " . I asked him if he knew who Andrei Kirilenko was ( a lot of Russians do ) . He yelled excited yes and that I looked at him . I didn 't say this but all I could think was , if you think I look like him , you should see my brother Taylor . could just tell he is called of God . He has am article in this months Ensign about when he was first converted . He is so smart . He knows the scriptures like the back of his hand . Someone would ask a question and he would think for a second and put his finger to his head and blurt out this verse in the scriptures and ask us to look it up . The verses would always answer the question or help make the point he was trying to make . He told us his way for memorizing . He first got numbers 0 - 9 on a paper . He would write down what ever number represents . For 1 maybe it is a tree or for 3 maybe the Godhead . Just anything that makes you think of that number , it doesn 't have to be gospel related . And then he makes a story out of the the numbers that correspond to the verse . Here was his example : The verse was D & C 84 : 57 and the verse is about the Book of Mormon and why we should use it . Here is how he remembers it . He imagines a Stake Center were he gave a talk on the Book of Mormon . Inside the stake center he imagines a car flying through the air and the 7 dwarfs running over and catching the car ( 7 ) . And whenever he hears the word Book of Mormon and not using it , that story plays in his head and he knows where to find it . He doesn 't memorize the entire verse . He memorizes the thought and where it is found . He said when doing it he imagines the colors of everything and the speed of the car . Simply a ton of details and he tries to make it super weird . He said the more weird the story is the better you will remember it . I started doing it and for my number 1 I think of Cam Newton . My 2 , I think of missionaries or Frodo and Sam . He said it should be personal of what you think of when you think of those numbers . And that every number should have a least 3 different things . Like for 1 , Cam Newton , a tree and an arrow . I have tried it and it really works . It is also really fun ! This week has been great ! I love all of you . Elder Wilding Elder De Sandre flew in this week . He is pretty tall and funny and good at Russian . He is from Mountain Crest . He did track and tennis in high school and just graduated this year like me . I feel like I have seen him before the mission . I 'm sure I have . I feel kinda bad for him though . Since we are in Vlad , we don 't have any investigators so ever since he got here we have been hitting the streets all day everyday . And the first day that he got here there was a mini blizzard . It has been hard being the one who knows the we are having our mission conference . President Klebingat is coming from the area presidency . I am so excited to hear him ! He gave an amazing talk a few conferences ago on approaching the throne of God with also said goodbye to the AP 's this week . I got a lot of cool stuff from them . Elder Protopovo ( from Moscow ) gave me a really nice leather bag . And I bought a shapka ( the Russian hats ) from Elder Mateer . Probably the best purchase I have made on my mission besides my coat . It keeps me so warm . The wind is piercing in Vlad and it goes right through my beanie . But it doesn 't get through my shapka . The nice thing about Angarsk is that even though it is very cold , there isn 't any wind . One of the lessons we taught this week was at Y 's house . He is old and lives in this run down house . We were trying to commit him to come to church and he starts asking us if we know what rap music is . We told him yes . He stands up and starts saying this rap he wrote . He was doing all these gang signs when he was rapping for us like rappers do when they are on stage . It was the highlight of my week haha . From what we understood we think it was about the Book of Mormon . The best part of it was that at the very end ( he was wearing a jacket without a hood ) he tries to throw his hood on but he just pulled up his jacket over his head so that he looked like a turtle . We busted up laughing . The whole time I was thinking " is this really happening right now ? " . We met these three Catholic missionaries from India . We were talking to them and telling them which church we were from . Right when we told them one of them gets really excited and asks if we are from the church that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is from . He said that back in India he would play their songs off of youtube for the children that he taught . They love Motab like crazy . I learned this week that I will be training . My trainees name is Elder De Sandre . I have seen a picture of him and he looks really excited . I will still be living in Angarsk with Elder Lyman but instead of it just being only me and him , we will have 4 elders in that apartment . Elder Lyman 's new companion is a guy that is from his home ward . What are the chances ? am still in Vlad and it awesome here . It was really warm when I first got here but now it is very cold . I got reunited with Elder Lyman this week who stayed in Angarsk and he stayed it was - 28 there . Time to see what my coat is made of . I am really lucky to have a senior missionary in my apartment because some of the other missionaries are completely solo and are going to be alone in their own apartment . It is weird seeing the AP 's about to go home . This is their last full day . Tomorrow they work until 5 and then they go to the mission home and have a meal there and get interviewed by president . And then they 're off bright and early to the airport at 6 : 00 . These 5 months have gone by so fast . The elderly couple the Huntsman 's go home as well on Wednesday . I got a way nice tie from the AP 's and a few other things from them . We went and taught this man named Y . He lives in the outskirts of town . We went into his house that was darkly lighted and there was so much stuff everywhere . He played Elder Perry in chess and beat him in 3 on random tangents and he speaks really fast . Interesting investigator . I think he has read the whole Book of Mormon . He knows all about the church history and when things happened and where . Hopefully we can help him receive this great gospel . mountain overlooking Vlad . I wish I would have had my camera on me . It was so beautiful , you could see all the tall buildings and the ocean . I always forget that we are next to the ocean because we mostly just stay in center . I 'll bring my camera next week and hopefully then I will have more time to write . I spent 2 or 3 days in Angarsk but right now I am in Vlad . This is my travels , I took a bus from Angarsk to Irkutsk and then from there jumped on a plane and flew to Kharbarosk . Had a long layover there and actually slept on the bench town and ran to the temple . The bus drivers in Korea wear suits . Completely different from Angarsk . After we got off the bus we ran up this hill and couldn 't really see anything but all of a sudden the angel Moroni pops out and it is completely stunning . Korea itself is absolutely amazing . It is basically futuretown . Big buildings . Flashy neon lights . I felt like I was on a different planet . Once we arrived in the temple we just immediately did a session . We would have gone and got McDonald 's but we just had no time for it . It actually turned out to be quite fine though because when we were just sitting in our rooms ( in the temple , it isn 't in the actually temple temple but it is connected to it ) and one of the workers brings to us pound cake and milk . Korean people are so nice . I love bowing down to everyone because they always do it back . And Korean sounds so cool ! Walking the streets of Korea is so cool ! It was so warm there . Then after all of that we woke and took a bus to the airport again . I stood in a line in the airport for about 2 hours , then jumped on another plane and now I 'm in Vlad . It was so much traveling in just 2 or 3 days . I was so tried and jet lagged . But it was so fun ! I love Vlad ! I didn 't know if I would like the big city feeling of it but I do . There are always people to talk to on the street and it is not as cold as it is in the west . I was walking the other day with one of the AP 's to go check out a hotel for the new elders that are coming in and on our way there we saw a black guy on the street . That alone was pretty surprising because he is the 2nd black person I have seen on my whole mission , so of course we talked to him . He spoke no Russian . We asked him what he was doing in Russia . He told us that he was bringing football to Russia and he coaches a team here . He also told us he played in the NFL . He played for a couple of teams but the only one I can remember is the green bay packers . His name is Bobby Rome . I have never heard of him before but I 'm sure if I looked him up I would find him . He pulled his hand out of his pocket and on his hand he had 3 rings that looked like Superbowl rings and a really expensive diamond watch . He isn 't very smart walking around in Russia with that on but he Mom , you can finally relax . I bought my coat . To say it is warm would be an understatement . It is a shark force . That is the name of it . It is probably the best name I have ever heard ! On the inside are these words that make no sense haha . I 'll send a picture . Time keeps on flying so fast . How am I almost already done with training ? I honestly don 't know . It feels like yesterday I was at home chilling with Mr . Cat . This week was another week of miracles . This man we met on the streets a few weeks ago is named Yuri . He loves life ! He is just a happy person who finds everything funny and everything brings him joy even though he is very poor . He knows English very good as well . And he loves the word " yup " haha . Well , a few weeks ago we got his number and told him to come to English practice but English practice came and went and Yuri wasn 't there . We called him but he was always native stupen ( which means their phone is either off or they didn 't pay their bill so their phone is shut down ) like everyone else in Russia . We were sad because he was really interested and we really wanted to meet with him . Well then at Hari Krishna , our service project where we serve food to the poor and homeless , he showed up ! Right when he saw us he said , " It 's Destiny " He would look up to the sky every time he said it too . He said the reason he wasn 't answering his phone is because he had it on a lanyard around his neck and his cat hit it into some water . He kept on saying it was destiny that we met again . We invited him to English practice again and he came this time . After the practice we taught him the first lesson . He said , " I already believe all this " . When we asked him to be baptized he said , " When and where ? " . He is so solid and so prepared . We set up another time to meet with him but he didn 't come . We were bummed again because of how golden he is . Yesterday we were contacting just like we always do and we saw him , waiting at a bus stop ! We went up and talked to him and he apologized for not coming to our meeting . He said he was working and couldn 't make it . His job is to shovel snow and there is a lot of it now . He has been reading the Book of Mormon and we are going to meet with him tonight . snowed a few inches this week . Everything is ice now . To get rid of the ice they have the workers with shovels of course , but they also have these tractors that have on the front of them these huge brushes the size of a side walk in length that are made up of spin trim wires . They work like a lawn edger does and just completely obliterate the ice . They look like a lot of fun . Might want to get one of them for home haha ! am going to Korea this week ! To renew my visa . SO excited , I get to sleep in the grounds of the temple and do a session or 2 in the temple ! Then I will be in Vald for like 3 weeks . We are having a mission conference ( our whole mission ) . We don 't have that many missionaries but that is completely nuts because of how spread out we are . So it wouldn 't be very smart for me to fly to Korea , and come back at the branch . It was really fun and a lot of non members showed up ! We carved apples and played the Oreo minute to win it game , relay race of wrapping people in toilet paper like a mummy and the game where you tie a balloon to your leg and try to pop others without getting yours popped and the donut on a string game ( well actually bagel because we 're in Russia ) and bobbing for apples . The took it over and did a great job . lesson " maybe God sent me " , he doesn 't know how right he is . Another one was we had forgotten a book that we needed for a lesson at the church so last night we went there to grab it and one of the members in Angarsk was there with his friend teaching him about the gospel , we got there and taught him the first lesson . If we didn 't forget that book we and Elder Lyman have been speaking only Russian from 1 - 9 everyday . It 's hard and requires a whole lot of hand actions but I think it is helping my Russian improve a lot . And bought a muffin pan ! English practice wasn 't as good this weekly as the past weeks because there weren 't We were walking and saw a Panda bear on the side of a building and it was wearing a Chinese chef hat and was cooking Chinese food so of course I thought it was panda express but when i went and checked it out I was deeply disappointed when it was only a sushi place . A bird landed on my shoulder as I said in the picture I sent you ! We didn 't even have any food and all the pigeons surrounded us . They are everywhere in Angarsk . Who are you boy ? For a boy you are journeyed to this land of ours , this land where I 've endured my days . And felt oppression kill my soul and force me into some tight mold . And teach me that I should not hope unless I care to smell the smoke of dreams that the Red Army tamed . Who are you boy , from this land of plenty , teaching God , if there is any . You have all ; we have none . Do you know what that feels like , son ? And yet , you ask me to believe in something that I cannot see ; some force you say will bring me joy . Do you know what that feels like , boy ? Where you 're from , faith is free , but it has a price for me . When I have pain , I have my bottle . Hurt dies quick when you down it with Vodka . That 's enough to warm my soul . I work , I sleep , the days go by - - I 'm waiting for the day I die . You don 't understand this place . You say believe , obey , have faith , live life well , serve and give . Here in Russia , we just live . Who are you , boy ? Why did you come ? To save a soul who once was numb . To teach a wretched , hateful , man who cursed your help , refused your hand . I thought that we were worlds apart . So how is it that you knew my heart ? A fraction my age , you calmed my rage ; mercy paid my generous wage . I should have been left behind . It is hard to love my kind . Hope in your heart , power in your hands , why did you come to this distant land ? I know now , it was for me . The Red Curtain fell , but I was not free . Until a boy from nations away brought me my Lord , I bless the day . He led me to weep at my Master 's feet , the American boy I met on the street - - new and naive , still in his teens , with a message to bring the world to its knees . I thought that the truth would come from another - - I did not know this boy was my brother . |
There has been a serious lack of posts around here lately . As you know we were visiting with my parents in Calgary over the Christmas holidays . My in - laws arrived last night , so now we have house guests . I didn 't get a chance to post yesterday as I spent the majority of the day lying on my bathroom floor . I was really sick . I haven 't been that sick in a long time . I don 't get sick too often , but when I do , I turn into the biggest baby in the world . I feel bad for Josh because I am such a suck and so needy . It was really hard yesterday because I was home by myself with Lochlyn . I think it took me half an hour to change her diaper because I kept having to run to the bathroom . I ended up changing her with a bucket handy just in case . Poor baby . I am feeling a lot better today . My stomach is still a little off , but sooo much better than yesterday ! I actually didn 't want to spend the last day of 2014 telling you guys tmi about how sick I was yesterday . It doesn 't really seem a fitting way to end the year . I thought about setting some goals for 2015 , but to be honest , I 'm just not really feeling the goal setting thing at the moment . I am still working on my winter goals , and right now that is enough for me . I find it interesting that so many people set health goals for the beginning of the year . For some reason , a new year = a new start . It is the one day that we allow ourselves to start over , and press the reset button . I have been thinking about goals lately as being more about the journey , and less about perfection . I still have goals , but I don 't have to be perfect day in , and day out , in order to fulfill them . For me , in the past , a new year meant I was going to stick to my diet and exercise goals perfectly . I was going to spend exactly xx amount of time reading my Bible , and xx amount of time loving my husband . I would keep my house perfectly clean , cook xx amount of meals a week , etc . etc . This year , I think my goals would lean more towards getting out and doing fun things with my family , running a half marathon , working on intuitive eating , and strengthening my relationship with God . I don 't feel a need to achieve my goals perfectly day in and day out . I want to be able to look back at 2015 and feel like I have grown throughout the year . This has seriously been one of the best years of my life . I have been blessed with so many memories that I will cherish forever . I am so thankful for what God has done and so excited for what he is going to do . Seriously , God is so good to me and my little family . I am one blessed little lady . Happy Monday everyone ! It feels like I have been away from this little blog forever ! I think it feels extra long because so much has happened since the last time that I posted . I meant to come at you all with a post on Saturday , but I ended up being pretty busy with family , and my high school reunion , and … let 's be honest , sleeping . I hope that you all had a good Christmas . Mine was amazing . I had so much fun spending the past few days with family and friends , and most especially this little one . Christmas is so much fun with kids ( or babies ! ) . On Christmas Eve , my parents arrived at our place at around 4 : 00 . We visited and played with Lochlyn until dinner time . We have this great tradition with my parents on Christmas Eve . We order in sushi ! No dishes , no cooking , and sushi is my favorite so it works out awesome . Dinner was fantastic . We ordered from a local sushi place called Tokio Sushi and I am always pretty impressed when we get food from them . Their prices are great , and their servings are generous . Most importantly , everything is fresh and delicious . We ordered a couple assorted trays that included some maki rolls , nigiri , and sashimi . I also ordered some extra salmon and tuna sashimi for everyone to share . After dinner , Lochlyn went to bed and we ate Christmas baking with my parents , and opened stockings . We decided to open our gifts on Christmas Eve since Christmas morning was going to be pretty rushed , and Lochlyn had a ton of gifts to open . Also , we knew we would all be pretty focused on Lochlyn in the morning . On Christmas morning I was awake bright and early at 5am . I get so excited for Christmas that I can 't sleep - I am such a kid at heart . Everyone else woke up around 7 : 30 - we are all early risers I guess . After I fed Lochlyn , she opened a huge pile of presents from my parents , and Josh and I . She is such a blessed little girl , and got so many great things . She loved the present opening , especially tearing the wrapping paper off of boxes . After Lochlyn went down for her nap , it was breakfast time for the rest of us . I made this bread pudding , and it was so good ! It is technically baked french toast , topped with a cinnamon and brown sugar crumble . I highly recommend it . I served some christmas - y looking fruit salad . In true family tradition , we also had mimosas ( except not me , since I am still breastfeeding ) . Lochlyn loved playing with all of her great aunts and second cousins . She also got to spend some time with her great - grandma . She is such a social butterfly and never makes strange with anybody . She loves having everyone 's attention and she got a lot of it , especially since she is the first grandchild on both sides of our family . We spent the next few days in Calgary visiting with family and friends . On boxing day we went to my Uncle 's ( my dad 's brother 's ) house for leftover turkey dinner . Am I right in saying that turkey leftovers taste just as good the next day ? ! Dinner was so good I couldn 't believe that it didn 't come right out of the oven . My uncle has only met Lochlyn once before so I was glad he got the chance to spend some time with her . He has a daughter who is 3 , so we had fun playing with her too ! On the 27th , my Grandpa ( my Dad 's dad ) came to my parent 's house for brunch . My mom served two amazing crustless quiches . I wish I took photos , but I was too busy eating them . It was great to visit with my grandpa . He lives pretty far away from us , so we don 't get to see him often . In the afternoon I went for a quick run by my parents ' house . It was actually the first time I have run outside since the summer , and it was hard ! My parents live in a really hilly area , and I am used to running on the flat treadmill . My total elevation gain during my 5k run was 519 ft . I think I need to spend some more time running hills , because I am sore today . After my run , I started getting ready for my high school reunion . I know I briefly mentioned it on the blog , but I had my 10 year high school reunion this year . Crazy hey ? I ended up going to the reunion with my best friend , Steph , from high school , while our husbands stayed home since they didn 't know anyone . My graduating class was somewhere between 400 - 500 people . Steph and I didn 't even recognize most of the people at the reunion . The venue also wasn 't the greatest . It took place at a large pub , which was fun , but extremely loud . It was hard to have a conversation with anyone . Not very many of my old friends made it out , but it was good to see some familiar faces . It was also interesting to see how much some people have changed , and how much some people haven 't changed at all . I am glad that I made it to the reunion , but I wouldn 't exactly say that it was a great time . I didn 't make it home on Saturday night until 1am . I am usually in bed by 10 , so it was a late night for me . The next morning , Lochlyn woke me up nice and early and Josh , Lochlyn and I drove to Steph 's house to meet for brunch before the drive home . Lochlyn loved playing with Steph 's little pomeranian . I wish I took pictures because they had so much fun together ! After brunch my little family finally made the trip home . We had such a good holiday , but it is so nice to be home again . One of the best things about travelling , is it makes you love home so much more . We have another busy week ahead of us this week with Josh 's parent 's coming . They get here tomorrow evening , and are leaving on Friday . We are planning on celebrating Christmas with them all over again . I know Lochlyn is excited ! Before I go any further , welcome to Intuitive Tuesday . This is a little series on my blog where I talk all things living intuitively . Right now I am focusing on the Intuitive Eating principles as discussed in the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch . To read about the other principles , you can click the links below . Also , if this is something that interests you , I highly recommend reading the book ! Have you ever found yourself with an intense craving for something " bad " that you thought you shouldn 't be eating . For example , maybe you craved a big bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream , but you didn 't let yourself eat it . Maybe this food didn 't line up with your diet , maybe you thought it was too " unhealthy " or that it would make you fat . Maybe you didn 't allow yourself to eat this food because you were afraid that once you start eating it , you just wouldn 't stop and you would get completely out of control and turn into the ice cream monster . Yah , I have been there . I have not allowed myself to eat a certain food because of all of those reasons . To satisfy my craving , I would turn to whatever else I could find in the house that was healthier , but that slightly resembled my craving . Instead of ice cream I would have a bowl of plain greek yogurt , with artificial sweetener and peppermint extract . When that didn 't work , I would find something healthy , like a smoothie that I could cover in cocoa powder . Next up would be my husband 's cereal , maybe toast with honey , a handful of raisins or dates . Anything I could find that would satisfy that sweet craving ! You know what ? Nothing worked . At the end of my kitchen rampage , I would still be craving that same bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream . Just now I would have a full tummy and not feel so great . I am sure I had eaten like 5 times the calories I would have had in a bowl of ice cream if I had allowed myself to eat it in the first place . Okay , let 's try another scenario . Have you ever sat down to eat an incredibly delicious meal or snack , and turned on the TV , or grabbed your cell phone to scroll through social media as you were eating , only to look up and discover that your food is pretty much gone . You inhaled the food without even paying attention to the fact that you were eating it . Maybe you have gone to a movie , ordered a bag of popcorn , or your favorite candy , ate the whole thing without realizing it , and then wanted more . I love reading and eating . I also love being on my phone while eating . It is the ultimate escape . Food + distraction = pure bliss … until my food is gone and I don 't even remember eating it . Then I want more of the same food so that I can actually experience it , but then turn back to my distraction to eat , and the cycle just repeats itself . Discovering that satisfaction factor while we are eating is about eating what we want , when we want it . If you want a bowl of comforting pasta , but you order a salad , you aren 't going to feel completely satisfied after eating that salad . If you want a salad , but order steak and potatoes , that steak is most likely going to sit too heavy in your stomach and you aren 't going to feel that great . The satisfaction factor is also about taking the time to really enjoy what we are eating . The theory is that if you are truly satisfied , you will eat less later . With cravings fulfilled , you won 't have to keep going back for more food to fill that void . I think this is the perfect principle to focus on over the holidays . I want to enjoy my favorite holiday foods without having to eat huge servings . I also want to eat what my body is craving , not what I feel like I should eat . I don 't want to feel obligated to have a huge serving of my grandma 's homemade casserole , when what I really want is stuffing . Pretty self explanatory . Make sure that you are giving yourself unconditional permission to eat what it is that you want . Limiting certain foods , or restricting them , can trigger overeating and feelings of guilt , which leads to ( you guessed it ) overeating . I challenge you to eat only the foods that you really want this holiday season . If you take something and then decide you don 't want it , leave it on your plate ! Live in the moment and enjoy the experience of eating . Focus on all the individual aspects of food . To help you out , here is a list of what to pay attention to while eating ( Tribole , Resch , pp 138 - 139 ) . The above characteristics of food are good things to consider when you are trying to figure out what you feel like eating , and to help you enjoy your food . For example , if you are craving something cold and crunchy , then maybe a salad is in order . If you want something warm and smooth , maybe you are better off with a bowl of soup . If you ignore your desires and eat whatever is in front of you , chances are you will leave the eating experience feeling unsatisfied , and probably start searching around for something else to eat - in my case that would be dessert ! I visited Spain a few years ago . We stayed in a small fishing village . I loved the experience , but one thing that was hard to get used to , was that the whole village shut down for a few hours around lunch time . All of the grocery stores , and all of the restaurants and shops were closed . One of the reasons this happened was because it was so hot out in the middle of the day , so people took a break from working . The other reason ? The village shuts down so that people can eat ! Lunch is the biggest meal of the day in Spain . When the bars are closed , you can see families and friends gathered together behind closed doors taking the time to savour large meals together . Pretty much , in Spain , people get a 2 hour lunch break , minimum . There isn 't the rushing through 10 minute lunches while multi - tasking , like we do here in Canada and the US . When you rush through your meals , it is very difficult to pay attention to , and enjoy , the different aspects of your foods that we discussed in step 2 . Make time to appreciate your meal . Make sure you enjoy it in a pleasing atmosphere . Try to eat sitting down rather than standing up at the fridge , or chasing after your toddler . Try to eat slowly and taste each bite of food that goes into your mouth . Take a time out from eating and check your fullness levels and ask yourself if the food is still enjoyable or if you are done eating . If you don 't like what you are eating , you don 't have to finish it . Maybe you thought you wanted that dessert , but when you took the first bite , you realized that you didn 't really like it . Intuitive Eating uses the motto " If you don 't love it , don 't eat it , and if you love it , savour it " ( p 143 ) . I find this step pretty difficult . For example , yesterday I made a not so good sandwich . My baby was sleeping and about to wake up any minute . I didn 't take the time to make it how I really wanted it , and with my first bite I realized that I didn 't really like the sandwich I had made . I could have easily fixed it by adding some more vegetables to it to make it more appealing . Instead I just gobbled it down , trying to ignore the fact that it didn 't taste very good . Laziness gets in the way for me here . This is something that I really want to work on this holiday season and in general . Most often , when you are eating something delicious , the first few bites are the ones that truly taste amazing . After those bites , the experience diminishes , until we get too full or too accustomed to the taste , and we stop enjoying the food we are eating . Check in with yourself while you are eating , and determine whether you are still enjoying your food . You may want to stop eating for the moment . You can always finish eating the rest later . Keep in mind that just like everything with eating intuitively , you don 't have to follow these steps perfectly 100 % of the time . These are guidelines only ! If you are at a family member 's house , and you don 't want the food they are serving , please don 't refuse to eat anything and watch while everyone else eats ! You also do need to honor your hunger and fuel your body . Eat what is put in front of you mindfully , and promise yourself a more satisfying experience at your next meal . What do you feel like eating at this moment ? I want something sweet , warm , and filling . It 's breakfast time and I am feeling coffee and a big bowl of oatmeal ! Do you find that you are usually satisfied after eating ? What step is the hardest one for you ? I find step 4 really challenging - I tend to eat what is easy , even if I 'm not really enjoying it . Christmas is different this year . Actually the last few years it has really changed . My brother moved overseas to the UK and he hasn 't come home for Christmas in a couple years . He won 't be coming home this year either . My brother , David is a musician , and Christmas is his busy season , so he stays home to work . I miss him a lot , but he is visiting in February ! My cousins are getting older ( not that old - I am still the oldest ! ) . They have girlfriends and boyfriends , and other families to visit . They can 't always make it family gatherings . My grandparents are also getting older and it is getting harder for them to come to family gatherings , or to stay very long . I also have to consider Josh 's family during the holidays . They live in Manitoba , which is a VERY long and boring drive away . We fly there when we go and visit them , especially during the holidays . Spending holidays with Josh 's family was actually something that was very difficult for me to adjust to , and I have to admit that I am still adjusting . I only see my extended family during the holidays and Christmas has always been a huge family time for me . Before getting married I had never spent a Christmas away from home . When we got married , Josh wasn 't very big into Christmas . He didn 't always go home , and it wasn 't that important to him . Since then , he is getting closer to his family , and it is getting more important to him to spend time with them . I am really happy about this , but it is still a big adjustment for me . I love seeing my in - laws , but I don 't love making the trip during Christmas and being away from my family . I am thankful that this year , we are in Calgary , but it means that next year we will likely travel to Brandon , and I am already getting sad about it . Obviously , another big change that we have this year is Lochlyn . Of course she is a good change , but still a change that is going to affect our Christmas . I am so excited to watch her experience the holiday . I know that each year will get even more fun as she starts getting excited for the big day . It also means that Christmas is more busy . Everything takes longer when you have a little one to think about ! It also means that our extended family really wants to see her . They don 't get a chance to see Lochlyn that often ( a few times a year ) . Dealing with changes around the holidays is difficult . I loved all of our old family traditions and I wish they could stay the same . At the same time , I am excited that Josh and I have a family of our own now , and we will get to create our own traditions together . This year I am learning the importance of setting boundaries with family and friends , and making sure that Josh , Lochlyn and I get time together too . We are pretty much maxed out this holiday , meaning we can 't fit one more thing , or person in . We have had to say no to seeing people . This is really hard , especially when it is family . I felt really guilty about it because my favorite part about Christmas is all of the family time . I think that if we tried to see everyone and do everything , we wouldn 't get a chance to spend time with each other , which is really important to me . It also would be really busy and not fair to Lochlyn . I want her to have a good Christmas . This year we are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at our house . Josh has Christmas Eve off work , and we have plans to exchange gifts with each other , and then go skating with some friends . My parents are coming up in the afternoon and spending the night with us . We will be ordering in sushi and spending the evening with my parents . Christmas morning is going to be a bit rushed . We will celebrate it here , before we drive out to Calgary to have Christmas dinner at my Aunt 's house . We are staying a few nights at my parent 's house in Cochrane , which is a town outside of Calgary . On boxing day , we have plans to visit with my Dad 's side of the family . On the 27th we will see my grandpa , and then in the evening I have my high school reunion . On the 28th , we will drive back to Sylvan Lake and get ready for Josh 's parents to come stay with us . That means groceries , meal planning , and cleaning . They get here on the 30th . That is about as busy as I want to be this Christmas . I would like a chance to spend some time with Lochlyn and Josh , and it is going to be hard to squeeze that in . I am excited for this new way of celebrating Christmas , but I do miss the way we used to celebrate it . Another thing that has made Christmas really different , is not having my grandma with us anymore . My dad 's mom passed away about 7 years ago , and my family still really feels the change . Christmas was her birthday , and it was always a special time for her . I miss her a lot at Christmas , and it always seems like the perfect day to spend remembering her , even as we celebrate . I didn 't get a chance to post my meal plan for the week on Saturday , so I thought I would share a couple recipes that I am planning to make during the next couple days with you guys . I will also let you in on Lochlyn 's new foods ! I 'm not cooking too much this week , too many other things to do ! For those of you that have been around for a while , I am sure you have heard me rant a bit about our nap time struggles . From around when Lochlyn was four months old , she would sleep in her car seat . In order to get her to sleep , I had to carry it around the house , sometimes for almost an hour . I would drape a blanket over it , turn the vacuum on for some white noise , and walk around our living room . Lochlyn was starting to get pretty heavy and this was a lot of work . Also , she was starting to not fall asleep very well while we carried her . It was getting to be a pretty big problem , and we knew we needed to change how she fell asleep . At around seven months I decided to sleep train Lochlyn . I wanted to take a gradual approach , so I stopped carrying her around for more than a couple of minutes in the car seat , and set it down while she was still awake . She fell asleep a couple of times this way , and then it stopped working . She would cry and fuss and I couldn 't get her to calm down until I picked up her car seat and started carrying it again . Not too long after I started this gradual method , Lochlyn got sick . I gave up sleep training for the moment , and did whatever I could to get her to sleep so she would get better . She was sick for four weeks ( felt so long ! ) . Around eight months old , when she was finally better , I picked up the sleep training again . This time I made a list of all of the things that Lochlyn relied on to fall asleep . My list look liked this : I would watch Lochlyn for sleepy cues and keep an eye on the clock . For her first nap I would try to start her routine within two hours of her being awake . She usually doesn 't start showing sleepy cues until at least the two hour mark . Then she starts rubbing her eyes and yawning . It took me awhile to figure out the timing to put Lochlyn down , but she does well going down at about two hours and 15 minutes after waking up . I would lay Lochlyn in her crib , give her a belly or back run , and then quietly leave the room . The minute the door closed , she would cry and fuss . The first few times she either didn 't sleep at all , or it took her over an hour to fall asleep . I would check on her every five minutes to make sure that she was okay , and calm her down . When I checked on her I wouldn 't pick her up , but I would rub her belly or back and she would stop crying right away . She wasn 't really upset , her cries were usually more fussing , and she rarely had any real tears . The five minute check - ins gradually stretched to ten minutes . During the first week Lochlyn fell asleep a couple of times right away , and one time she slept for two hours . For the most part it was taking her around 40 minutes to fall asleep . This was hard on me , but I could see progress . The fact that she was falling asleep in her crib at all was amazing so I kept at it . I found lots of ways to distract myself while she was crying . I would take the monitor and head to the basement where I couldn 't hear her ( I kept the volume off and check on it regularly until she fell asleep ) . Soon Lochlyn was falling asleep within half an hour . Often she would fall asleep right away and I wouldn 't even have to check on her . This is pretty much where we are at right now . She is falling asleep about 90 % of the time , and most of the time she goes down within ten minutes . I find that she doesn 't always fall asleep if I wait too long to put her in her crib and she gets overtired . She also has a hard time falling asleep if I have to go in and change her diaper after putting her down . I am not going to call this method " cry it out " because I don 't want to put a label on it . I originally planned to follow a book , and headed to our library to find one . Crazily enough , all the baby sleep books were checked out of the library . Someone else must have been having sleep problems too ! I ended up trusting my gut and doing what felt right for us . If you are having sleep issues with your baby , and you are like me , you may feel completely lost and like you have no idea what to do . I would really encourage you to trust your mommy instincts and do what feels right . I tried letting Lochlyn cry when she was younger and it didn 't feel right at all . She would get so worked up and be so upset , and I would always regret my decision to let her cry . This time , it was still hard , but it felt like the right thing . I knew that she was done sleeping in her car seat , and she needed to learn how to sleep in her crib . Nap time has been a big challenge for us since Lochlyn was about a week old . I always said that Lochlyn would be the perfect baby if she could learn to nap by herself . Now that she is napping by herself I have nothing to complain about . Now that I no longer have to carry her around in her car seat , hold her for naps , or cuddle up to her and let her breastfeed to sleep in the middle of the night , I can look back on those times with nostalgia . They are all great memories . I actually am crying a little bit typing this . I think those times just contributed to how perfect she is , and really strengthened the bond I have with her . She was already the perfect baby , whether or not she was napping by herself . Babies just need their mommies , and it is amazing to be so needed . I can 't believe that she has already grown up enough to be able to sleep without me . So sad and happy at the same time . I am so crazy in love with this girl 1 . Okay , so I know this is probably what most people 's " Thinking out loud " will begin today , but … It 's almost Christmas ! ! ! I am getting excited , but also starting to feel the pressure of getting the last few little things done before it gets here . Mostly I just have to get my house clean . My parents are staying with us on Christmas Eve , and Josh 's parents are staying with us from Dec . 30th - Jan . 2nd . I won 't have time to clean much in between visits because we will be staying in Calgary with my parents . Time to clean all the things ! I also have to finish wrapping presents and plan an awesome and easy breakfast for Christmas morning . We usually have cinnamon buns at my parents ' house , with fruit salad and eggs and bacon . I was thinking about making homemade cinnamon buns , but I am not going to have time to make breakfast in the morning because I will have to get Lochlyn ready to make the drive to Calgary . I am considering bread pudding in the crock pot , with warm fruit salad to top it . I have made this before and it is so good ! 3 . I was having a really bad day yesterday . I have just been feeling a bit down about having to go back to work . I really want to stay home full - time with Lochlyn Tinker Plum - Pants . It sounds like I am going to have to work quite a bit more than I wanted to in order to get enough hours in . I had a lot of fun at my work Christmas party on Monday night , but it made me realize that I have to go back so soon . Anyways , I was feeling really sorry for myself , and then I realized that Tinker Plum - Pants was saying something that I have been trying to get her to say for a couple weeks now . " Mama ! " . She has been saying " Dadadada " for awhile , but I haven 't heard her say Mama before . I was pretty much instantly happy ! I don 't think she knows what it means yet , but I don 't care if she is just babbling . My week has been made . 5 . I need your guys ' fashion advice ! I ordered a dress for my high school reunion online , and I received it a couple of days ago . I also found some shoes to wear with it . My problem now is that it is pretty cold here and I am thinking tights might be necessary . I just can 't decide what color of tights would go best with my dress and shoes . This is the dress that I am going to wear : I am really happy with it . The spots are a little bit less white then they look in the photo , but it is still really pretty . I love the fit of it as well . The skirt is really flouncy and full , which makes it pretty fun . These are the shoes I am going to wear . Any suggestions for tights ? I was thinking about just wearing nude - colored nylons , but my skin is so pale , and those nylons are about 1000 shades darker than my skin tone . I also kind of like the look of the model 's pale skin with the navy dress in the photo . ( Is that weird ? I like pasty legs ? ) . I am leaning towards nude fishnet stockings , but I haven 't been able to find any . Any other ideas about what would work ? Do you think I should suck it up and not wear tights at all ? 6 . With all the Christmas baking I have been doing , I have probably eaten a pound of butter over the past week or so . Everything I made seems to be laden with extra buttery goodness . The awesome thing about it though is that I haven 't felt much guilt around eating all of the baking in our house . Sure sometimes I hear that voice in the back of my head that tells me I should made healthier choices , but I don 't think that voice is always necessarily bad as long as it doesn 't make you feel guilty . I don 't feel bad about eating a few treats when I really want them , and when I want something healthy , I don 't feel bad about eating that either ! You know what is awesome about this ? Giving myself permission to eat the Christmas baking if I want to , has meant that I haven 't binge ate any of it , or even overeaten it this year . It is a lot easier to stop eating because I know it will still be there when I want it later and I will allow myself to eat it . Another motivating factor to stop eating it has been that I know I am going to the gym later in the day , and working out when you are full of nanaimo bars and date squares doesn 't really sound that fun ! 7 . Eeyore aka Squeezy Toe - Balls is being especially bad lately . Whenever we have new and exciting things in our house she can 't even handle it . Right now we have the Christmas tree , presents , and just more clutter in general that she can 't stay away from . This is pretty much a daily occurrence in our house . Most of the time she gets wrapped up in the Christmas lights and can 't get down . This also explains why I can 't buy new ornaments . Ours keep getting wrecked . Josh Puddin McJingles thinks that Squeezy Toe - Balls purposefully teases me by being bad just to get my attention . During the day , while I am in another room , I will hear her playing in the Christmas tree . I will run into the living room with a water gun ( yes I discipline her with a water gun ) and she will book it up the stairs and proceed to run all around the house like the crazy cat that she is . Then this whole process will repeat itself over and over until I can 't handle it and throw her in the basement . I am sure it is a game for her . And I am out of thoughts for today . Not really , I am still thinking , but I am done typing my thoughts for the moment anyway ! Happy Thursday everyone ! For someone that wasn 't sure about writing WIAW post , there has sure been a lot of them around HonestlyAngela lately . The reason being is that I think they fit in nicely the day after my Intuitive Tuesday series . WIAW is a good way to practice what I preach and also demonstrate how some of the intuitive eating principles work . So , before I go any further , I am linking up with What I Ate Wednesday over at Peas and Crayons . Thank you Jen for hosting ! Intuitive Eating recommends using the " Fullness Discovery Scale " ( p . 126 ) to help you gauge how full you are while eating . This scale is really similar to the " Hunger Discovery Scale " except it is used to discover your fullness level rather than your hunger level . Kind of sounds the same right ? It sorta is , the " Hunger Discovery Scale " is used throughout the day , and helps you determine when you need to eat . The " Fullness Discovery Scale " is typically used while you are eating , and helps determine when you are satisfied and should stop . I paid attention to this scale while I recorded my eats yesterday , to help determine when to stop eating . I think that it helped a little bit , but this is something that I really need to work on . I did find it useful , not necessarily to help me stop eating , but as a tool that I can use to look back on my day and see how I can improve my eating habits . 6 : 45 am : I poured myself a decaf coffee ( I pretend it has caffeine ) and added a big splash of almond milk " Noel Nog " . I am loving fake eggnog in my coffee in the mornings ! Yes this is a recycled photo from last week , but my coffee looked pretty much the same except in an uglier mug . I sipped my coffee and finished my post . Soon I heard Lochlyn wake up , so I quickly hit publish and went upstairs to nurse her . After breastfeeding and changing her , I brought her downstairs to make breakfast . 9 : 00 am : Oatmeal , made with 1 / 2 cup of oats , 1 / 4 cup of egg whites , 1 cup of almond milk , 1 banana , and topped with a large scoop of peanut butter . I love oatmeal . You can see Lochlyn 's food in the background too fullness level - 7 . 5 After breakfast , I cleaned Lochlyn up and then we headed upstairs to do some laundry and start getting ready . I put Lochlyn down for a nap and finished getting ready , and then started prepping yesterday 's dinner . I also cut up a tray of nanaimo bars that I made on the weekend and picked at all of the crumbs in the bottom of the tray - sorry I didn 't take a picture of that ! Lochlyn was still napping ( yay ! ) , so I wrapped a couple of Christmas presents before she woke up . Then I threw together a sandwich for lunch . I heard her waking up just as I was finishing it , so I brought it upstairs , along with a handful of baby carrots to eat while I nursed her . 11 : 15 am : roasted turkey breast sandwich with goat cheese , pickles , and mustard . A handful of baby carrots . Guys this sandwich was ugly and seriously lacking . I love a lot of veggies in my sandwich , but for some reason , today 's sandwich was completely veggie - free . Here is a picture of my ugly and not very delicious sandwich for you . Also , despite being not very delicious I still ate the whole thing while feeding Lochlyn . Maybe I should have added some more to it to make it taste better . 12 : 00 pm : After nursing Lochlyn I threw together a quick lunch for her . I kept thinking about those nanaimo squares that I had cut up earlier , so I grabbed one out of the fridge and ate it without taking a picture . You should probably see a picture though , let me go and snap one right now ! After lunch , Lochlyn and I headed to the gym and I did a leg workout . My legs have felt a lot more tired since I started running , and yesterday was no exception . Once I got into the workout however , I really enjoyed it . After the gym we headed home and I put Lochlyn down for her second nap . 2 : 30 pm : I made myself a blueberry smoothie to enjoy while stretching . My smoothies are boring - this one contained blueberries , almond milk and protein powder . It tasted good though ! After drinking my smoothie , I jumped in the shower and then wrapped a couple more presents . I actually LOVE wrapping presents . I love almost anything creative , and I find wrapping presents so mindless , and the finished product so pretty . Soon I heard Lochlyn waking up , so I went upstairs to breastfeed . After feeding Lochlyn I got a couple of chores done around the house , including cleaning the bathroom and doing some laundry ( laundry never ends with a baby - especially when you are using cloth diapers ! ) . I heard Josh come home , so I headed downstairs to start dinner and feed Lochlyn her dinner . 6 : 15 pm : We sat down to eat . Dinner was super easy to throw together and actually turned out surprisingly good , even though my photo doesn 't look it . We had turkey sausages , quinoa , and kale chips . I dipped my sausage in mustard and really enjoyed it . After dinner I finished cleaning the bathroom , then nursed Lochlyn and put her to bed . The rest of my day involved typing up some information that my boss needed before I go back to work , and getting some reading done . I was in bed , lights out by 9 : 30 . I love early bed times ! There you have it , that was my eats for the day . Like I mentioned above , I found this process useful because writing it all out allowed me to see what areas I need to work on . I think overall the day went pretty well . I did notice that I allowed myself to get really hungry in the morning before I got around to making breakfast . Then I ate a lot of breakfast and got a little bit on the fuller side . I think a morning snack with my coffee might help with that problem . I also ate too much before I went to the gym . I have been doing that a lot lately and it leads to not having the best workouts . I like to have food in my stomach before I work out , but I don 't like to be very full . You will notice a lot of numbers ending in 0 . 5 above . I am thinking that is my way of not having to round up and acknowledge that at times I ate a little bit too much . Nothing major , but according to the fullness discovery scale , you want to eat until you are at about a level 6 or 7 . I didn 't do too bad , but I could have stopped eating earlier at times . Have you ever had a nanaimo bar ? If you haven 't I highly suggest you try one ASAP ! Let me know if you need a recipe 12 Comments Good morning and happy Tuesday ! I was out late at my work Christmas party last night . It was very difficult to drag myself out of bed this morning . My Christmas party was a lot of fun though so it was worth it . I wasn 't sure about going because I don 't know very many people , but I am glad that I did . My parental leave is over in a couple of weeks ( crazy ! ) , and then I am going back to work part - time . I guess it is time to start getting to know some of the staff . For the party , my work rented out my favorite local Thai restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers and entrees for everyone to share . This was great because I typically always order the same thing . All the different side dishes meant that I could taste a little bit of everything ! I think some of the other people had a hard time with all the spiciness , but I thought it was delicious ! After dinner we played games and did a gift exchange . Our team won the gift wrapping contest ! I walked away with a yummy smelling candle , and a snowboarding beanie . I was pretty happy with my loot . For those of you that are new here . Intuitive Tuesday is where we chat a bit about living intuitively . Right now I have been going through the Intuitive Eating principles described in the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch . You can click the links to read past Intuitive Tuesday posts . Principle One , Principle Two , Principle Three , Principle Four . The Intuitive Eating principles are designed in the order that people typically go through while taking the steps . For example , Principle One is Reject Dieting , Principle Two is Honor Your Hunger . You will have a hard time fulfilling Principle Two , if you haven 't rejected dieting yet , as dieting tells us to honor the dieting rules , rather than our hunger cues . You don 't have to 100 % follow the principles in order , or tackle one principle at a time , they are simply guidelines to help you listen to your body . Today 's principle , is where I am at right now in the process , and what I have been paying extra attention to lately . What is principle five ? Feeling Your Fullness . Before I read the Intuitive Eating book , I thought that part of Intuitive Eating was only eating when you are hungry , and stopping when you just start to get full . I thought that intuitive eating wouldn 't work if you didn 't stop eating when you were full , or ate something for another reason than being hungry . That isn 't the case at all . The book recognizes that sometimes we eat for other reasons besides being hungry , it just asks you to pay attention to them . That is what this principle is really about . Listening to your body and what it wants / needs , rather than listening to other voices in your head . I am sure that a few of you have heard of the " Clean Plate Club " . I am guessing that some of you even belong to it - I know that I do . The " Clean Plate Club " is full of those of us that like to pretty much lick our plates clean at every meal . We don 't listen to our body 's hunger and fullness levels , but the portions that are sitting on our plates . Guaranteed , I will eat everything on my plate 90 % of the time . This isn 't necessarily a bad thing , but it is a good indicator that I 'm not listening to my body . I know that most of the time when I am eating , I forget to pay attention to my body the moment I start shoveling food in ! So , why do we clear our plates and forget to listen to whether or not we are truly hungry ? For many of us it is because we have dieted so much in the past . Dieting tells us that at meal time we have license to eat . We don 't have to feel guilty about eating at the set and preconceived times that we have deemed as permissible . Dieting makes us feel that we need to eat while we can , while we are allowed to . Often , while trying to lose weight , we don 't eat enough calories and find ourselves always hungry . We are rarely truly satisfied by a meal . When we do allow ourselves to eat , we shovel it all in as quickly as possible without even thinking . Most diets call for ridiculously small portion sizes so of course we are going to eat every last bite on our plates . Another way that dieting has increased the " Clean Plate Club 's " members is by making us feel entitled to eat every single thing on our plate . A lot of us that have dieted for more than a few days know that dieting promotes the habit of eating everything that our diet allows us to . I know that there were times when I was dieting where I would go through what I ate that day over and over in my head , checking to make sure I had eaten everything that I possibly could on the diet . I was hungry and didn 't want to miss even a bite . While I was heavily into dieting I was so protective and possessive about my food . I would not even share a taste of what I was eating with my husband , or anyone . I was so hungry and I wanted to get every little last bite that I could . I remember that when I would make an omelet , I would scrap and scrape the pan after cooking it , to make sure that I had eaten ALL of the food . I didn 't even really like the slightly burnt egg that stuck to the pan , but I was entitled to eat it , so I was going to . Does any of this sound familiar ? If so , you may be a member of the " Clean Plate Club " yourself . There are so many ways that each of us can become members . I know many of us were told as kids by our parents that we had to eat everything on our plates or no dessert . Our parents also may have told us that it is rude to not eat every last bite , or that " there are kids in Africa that are starving and would love to eat what you are eating " . This may be true , but eating every bite on your plate isn 't going to give the kids in Africa more food . Another factor that can lead us to the clean plate club is the financial one . I am partly guilty here . I feel bad throwing out food that I have paid good money for . I feel like I need to eat every bite since I don 't want it to go to waste . Really though , what difference does it make if you throw out the last little bit of food or eat it ? You paid for it either way . Also , listening to your body and throwing food away or setting it aside for later when you are full could actually help you save money . You will become better at knowing how much food you really need and over time will adjust your portions accordingly . We also tend to over eat when we let ourselves get too hungry . I know that we have all been there . We wait until we are super ravenous , and then shovel everything in our mouths without even paying attention . I am guilty as charged . Obviously to fix this , we need to start eating before we get to the point of starving . I do want to point out that eating everything off of your plate isn 't bad . It is perfectly fine and good . Just remember to pay attention while you are eating to make sure that you are still hungry . Pause in the middle of eating for a timeout . Check with your body and your tastebuds and make sure that you are still enjoying what you are eating . Also pay attention to how full you are and how satisfied you feel by your food . Don 't feel obligated to leave food on your plate . You can eat everything on your plate . You can opt to overeat . If something is deliciously amazing , and you want to , go ahead and eat it all . Just pay attention to your body while doing it ! It can be really difficult to listen and pay attention to how your body is feeling at every single meal all of the time . I know that I eat most of my meals on auto - pilot without paying enough attention . Intuitive Eating also offers some tips for how to increase your consciousness while eating ( p . 127 - 128 ) . Eat without distraction . I know I have mentioned this before , but eating while watching TV , reading , or even running around the kitchen trying to put things away , makes it very difficult to pay attention to your body . I am the queen of multi - tasking , and I love escaping into a good book with a delicious plate of food . I have slowly been working on removing distractions while I eat , and I have been loving it . I suggest you give it a try . Keep in mind that you don 't have to remove distractions at every single meal , just do what works for you . You can still go to the movies and order popcorn if you want to - just keep in mind that it will be difficult to pay attention to your fulness level while you are watching a movie . Reinforce your decision to stop eating . When you are done , do something to remind yourself that you are no longer hungry . For example , push your plate away , clear it off and pack up your leftovers , or put a napkin on your plate . Do whatever will serve as a visual cue that you are done eating . It is easy to pick at what is on our plates when we aren 't even hungry if we keep it in front of us . Don 't participate in obligatory eating . Practice saying , " no thank you " if someone is pushing food on you and you are full . I personally don 't ] struggle in this area too much , but if you have food pushers in your life , I can only imagine the challenge . Don 't feel bad saying no , and tell the pusher that you will eat it later if it will make them feel better . Explain you are too full and move on . Feeling my fullness is something that I struggle with and an area that I would really like to improve in my own eating habits . I now that my membership to the " Clean Plate Club " was guided by a lot of different factors , and it make take awhile to undo them all . Some of the above tips I have already started to integrate into my daily eating habits , and some of them I still need to work on . Check out tomorrow 's post for a WIAW dedicated to feeling my fullness ! I spent the weekend baking , cleaning up the house , and running errands like a crazy person while I had Josh to stay home with Lochlyn . The Christmas busyness is here in full force , and I am not a fan . Yesterday I went to Walmart , Sobey 's , and Shoppers Drug Mart , and when I got home I was so done . Good thing I am officially done my Christmas shopping ! Okay , that 's enough talk about my weekend . I told you I could summarize it in a paragraph . Today I have another recipe to share for you all . This one is one of my very favorite Christmas baking recipes . One of our first Christmases together , I asked Josh what I should make for Christmas baking . Of course his first suggestion was gingerbread . His second was something along the lines of " I forget what they 're called , but they have dates in them " . I asked him a ton more questions to try to figure out what he was talking about , and decided he meant date squares . Turns out I absolutely love date squares . These ones are extra soft and chewy , with a thick layer of sweet , date filling . The buttery , oatmeal crumble on top takes these up an extra notch to full - on amazingness . This year I decided to make them gluten - free . As you probably already guessed , I am not gluten - free at all . A lot of my family members stick to eat a gluten - free diet though . Both my parents , my grandma , my aunt , and a couple of my cousins , all prefer to eat gluten - free . I decided to cater to their preferences with these date squares , and to be honest , I can 't even tell the difference between these and my gluten - y version . Add butter and cut it into the mixture using a pastry blender . Continue to cut in until the mixture appears crumbly . The majority of the crumbs should be between the size of a raisin and a pea . |
This morning I was feeling a bit better . My lips still hurt . Waking up wasn 't easy anyway . Dressed up smartly , navy shirt , black shoes , and went to the Academy . Had a composition lesson . We 're making progress . We now have 1 complete piece , 2 almost complete , and 1 to work on ; I need to write another one , a more serious one . After the lesson , I spent almost 2 hours practicing , and then a girl gave a concert in the small hall . She played a fugue of Bach , then Beethoven 's Sonata 16 , and finally some piano concerto , which I didn 't particularly like , but Bach and Beethoven were not bad at all . The girl played very well , and the piano concerto was on 2 pianos - her teacher accompanied her . As yesterday , the concert finished at 20 : 30 , and I went home . I 'm going to sleep soon . Lots of homework for Monday to do tomorrow . 22 : 00 . I hate herpes ! ! Woke up , and went to the college . Had an unsatisfactory lesson with piano teacher . Nothing worked today , hands didn 't wanna play , mind didn 't wanna read notes , everything went wrong . Yucks . Then I composed for some 4 - 5 hours . Then went to a small concert - a pianist played Chopin and Skryabin for over an hour . Chopin was good , Skryabin , not too bad either . The girl was fantastic . I went home . Mum prepared apples with honey , and we celebrated the Jewish New Year . Watched a movie , wrote a poem for Tara , and now , 4 : 30 , going to sleep . Another sleepless night . Runny nose all night , what an annoyance . Well , at least I managed to write a few stanzas for a song . Quite respectable rhymes . In the morning I wrote down the new piece that I composed yesterday , and added some today . Went to the Academy , and had a piano lesson at 2 pm . We played Beethoven 's Sonata # 8 ( Pathetique ) , and Mozart 's Sonata # 12 , 3rd movement . Then I had a composition lesson at 4 pm , then went home . Mum and I sung for a bit , and now I 'll try and have some sleep . Two days and nights with no sleep is quite too much , I have a headache ! 20 : 20 . All night long I went to and from the bathroom , cleaning my throat . When I woke up , it was significantly better than yesterday . I practiced piano for several hours , and then went to the office - dad wanted me to fix something in the computer . It turned out to be nothing special . I phoned Ira to inform her that she might have to pay tax on the books package that we sent from London , and that I 'll return her any money she spends . She wasn 't home , and I gave her grandma the message . Hope she gets it . We did some shopping and came home . I wrote a new piece for tomorrow 's lesson , and am going to sleep soon , it 's 23 : 20 . I couldn 't sleep , so got up and wrote some poetry , then went to sleep at 6 am . Woke up at 12 : 45 , throat all in pain , yuck . The driver picked me up . First , I dropped some postcards at the post office , then went to my voice teacher 's house . We had a lesson till 15 : 15 , quite difficult , don 't forget my throat hurts . . . Then I went home , and started tuning the rest of the piano . In the end , I finished the job , the piano is all in tune , but it will need some retuning in a few days , when it settles . Maybe next week . I finished writing a fairy tale sort of poem , and Galya came online right when I finished . We chatted till 1 am . Too much fun is never enough , as I always say . It 's 2 am . I wondered writing some philosophical poem , but maybe some other day . Woke up again at 12 : 00 . Went to the office and got my photocopies , which my dad forgot yesterday , of some voice exercises that my teacher gave me . From the office went to the Academy . First I had a voice lesson , which went very well . The teacher was more than impressed , and we agreed on another lesson tomorrow . Way cool . Then I had 2 hours of nothing - to - do . The first hour I worked a bit on my compositions . The second hour I practiced piano - the 3rd movement of Mozart 's Sonata # 12 . Then a composition lesson . We 're making good progress , the teacher says . Then a solfedge and harmony lesson . Real fun . We had 2 new students arrive : a guy from Yugoslavia , and a pretty girl from USA . The teacher didn 't check our homework , which was a disappointment - I did a good job of it . But she 'll check everything next week . Afterwards , the driver picked me up , and dropped me off at the office . I phoned Galya , and we spoke for 10 minutes , and that cheered me up even more , a great day , I felt . Then I went home , and practiced singing for about an hour . Then dad arrived . We went for a walk and bought 2 watermelons , and later ate one of them . Then I found out how to send cellphone messages to Galya . That was fun . I sent something , and she came online in a few minutes . Asked me not to do it anymore , hehe . Ok . : ) Then she went to sleep . And I 'm going too . 00 : 25 I got 12 hours of sleep , and still it wasn 't enough to compensate for all those nights . Oh well . Tomorrow . I went to the Academy and had my first voice lesson . It was cool . The teacher is cool ; he gave me two pieces to have a look at , they 're in Italian ! We did some voice exercises , he explained some stuff to me , very cool , all in all . He said , I will get 2 lessons per week - that 's awesome . Afterwards I spent almost an hour in a classroom working a bit on piece # 6 . Work # 6 , that 's what I 'll call it from now on . ' Piece ' will be reserved for finished products . Anyway , then had a composition lesson . Great . Then I went home . It was a bit warmer today than yesterday , but still very cold . Yesterday was freezing . But , of course , this can 't compare with the cold that will come soon . . . I chatted with Galya a bit , and mum and I went to the forest . We came back and I started tuning the piano . From scratch - but with a new technique , which I devised earlier today . It worked ! The 2 octaves were tuned perfectly . Then Galya came online and we chatted , and in between breaks , when she went away , I tuned more notes , until 5 bottom octaves of the piano were all tuned . Now , only the treble is left . Mum and I had a short quarrel on who and when can be noisy . ( i . e . me - can 't - in the evening . . . ) Galya and I chatted a bit more , interesting revelations about me keeping secrets . Heh , I didn 't know , but she did . Well : ) I explained best as I could . Still , it was unsatisfactory . Oh well . She went to sleep too soon , but she has school tomorrow , so that 's good from one point of view . Besides , she comes online way more often than I expected she would , and that 's great . I stayed up till 6 am . Another difficult morning . It 's getting annoying , I now have a headache , probably due to lack of sleep - I had 7 hours of sleep each night on average ; on average - i . e . some days I only had 6 hours ! Anyway , I took the metro to the Academy , and had my first Music History lesson . Nothing amazing , we just sit and listen to the teacher , Alexandra Iosifovna , telling us the history of mankind , and since music comes into it - it 's called Music History . : ) Then I saw my piano teacher , we talked for a bit , and I went up to meet Konstantin Pavlovich - a vocalist teacher . There was an Italian ( I think ) guy singing , so I waited for 15 - 20 minutes . Then the teacher listened to me . Afterwards he gave me his phone number and told me to come tomorrow for a lesson ! : ) ) I went home . Tuned the piano a bit more , and Galya came online . We spoke for half an hour , and then mum and I went to the forest . When we came home , I tuned the piano a bit more , worked a bit on # 3 , and then Galya came online again . Again , we spoke not for very long before she went out with friends . It 's 11 pm and I 'm going to sleep , before I start writing anything new . I really need the sleep , damn it . Today I had a fun piano lesson . My teacher told me how talented I was : ) and told me to bring more music next lesson , so we can do something productive . She said there 's no use for me to play the small Bach inventions , since I play at a high standard , and it would be just boring . After that I had a composition lesson , the teacher liked my new piece # 6 , which is in 5 / 8 time . When I returned home , two guys were in the corridor in front of the door with the piano . The piano refused to go in - it 's too wide . AFter some thought , they put it on its shoulder ( not an easy job ) , and brought it in ( even more difficult ) . Finally , the piano was in place . We put it in the living room . After dinner , I spent about an hour tuning the two middle octaves , and did quite a good job of it , especially considering that the whole piano was half a semitone out of tune ! Just a little more work on those two octaves , and it will be perfect . Then I can tune the rest of the strings . Dad left to Tashkent for two days just now . It 's 11 pm . I 'm going to sleep , I haven 't had enough sleep for the past 3 days , and waking up is becoming more and more annoying . A new version of ICQ 2000a ( v4 . 55 build # 3264 ) is out . Woke up to the sound of the telephone ringing . My mum has found a good piano for a good price and wanted me to come see it . So I did . It was a nice black German upright piano , almost 90 years old , but the keys and actually the whole action is all new inside . After playing on it for a bit , I decided that it is worth buying . Mum and I went to an exchange bureau , got the money , came back and bought the piano . They will bring it tomorrow . Then mum and I went home , and after dinner went for a walk in the forest . Not a very long one , because we had to be back home by 7 pm , since dad didn 't have the keys . Galya and Ira came online in the evening . Galya and I chatted , while Ira did her Russian homework . After they went I wrote a new piece and worked a bit more on # 3 . Then went to sleep . I did go to sleep in the end . At 7 am . Got up at 4 pm , when mum woke me up . We went to the forest . Long walk , around 3 hours . Then I worked on my harmony homework , did quite a nice job of it . Then Galya came online . Lots of nerves , not for nothing it seems , but it seems now , and who knows if it 's the truth , only time will tell , and I hate that , but it seems that it resolved , and she went to sleep smiling ; she has a trip to Jerusalem tomorrow , what fun . Then I worked just a bit more on the homework , and chatted on IRC for a bit . Well . . . IRC will have to wait for some time now , till I go there again . Long story . . . It 's 5 am , I 'm going to sleep . Or am I ? Mum and I walked together to the metro station , from where I went to the Academy . Dad showed me a quicker route the other day , and I took it . One problem : there is a traffic light on the way , which turns green once in 10 minutes ; by the time it turned green , around 50 people gathered on each side of the road . One massive road . I recieved my student card , then had a composition lesson . The teacher liked my development of piece # 3 , and some moments from # 4 . That 's cool . New work gets better results , that 's promising . After that , I had a free hour , so I got a key from the office and practiced piano for an hour . Then music theory lesson . That was fun , as usual . The teacher told me she 'll give me more load than the other student , so that I can get more done in less time , just as I wanted ; perfect . The lesson ended at 19 : 40 , instead of 20 : 00 , so I had 20 minutes more of piano practicing . Mum and I agreed that someone will pick me up then . She was waiting outside the Academy with the driver . We went to the office ; on the way we had a quick visit to a shop and bought some biscuits to eat on the way . From the office I phoned my previous landlord to discuss the money problem . We didn 't reach any agreement ; he continues to accuse me of things I haven 't done , of things I can 't believe anyone could do . Then I phoned Galya . Something was wrong . Her , or me , or something . We didn 't speak for long . We waited for the driver to take us home ; he went up to the dining room , and so we were waiting for him to come down . I phoned Galya again . She said something that made me melt , I needed that so badly for the past 3 days . Then I felt better , and hope she did too . I wished her luck on her history test tomorrow , and told her I love her . And I do . Then we went home . Got an e - mail from Ira . She came online for 2 minutes , but unfortunately I couldn 't talk to her , my dad was using the computer . Anyway , that e - mail cheered me up . I spent several hours writing a continuation to a poem I started a few days ago . Wrote 3 more stanzas . Another 2 left , I Permalink Woke up late , at 5 pm . Didn 't do much . Watched a film with mum and dad - ' Mission to Mars ' . Galya came online for a brief 10 minutes . It was terrible , I had no words to say , and she wasn 't in the mood to discuss anything - she 's had enough , and plus there is an upcoming exam on Tuesday . Anyway , she went . I finally figured out why my computer kept hanging - it was the new mouse cursors I installed . . . Damn Windows ! Well , at least , it 's all fixed now . I started composing and wrote a new piece ( # 4 ) , and then wrote down another one ( # 5 ) . Finally , worked on # 3 . Got everything down on paper and went to sleep at 5 : 30 am . Woke up at 12 : 30 , there was nobody home . Got ready to go to the Academy , when mum and dad came home from shopping , I gathered . They wanted to go to the centre , so I waited a few minutes , while mum had lunch , and then we went . I was supposed to have a lesson at 15 : 00 , but the teacher didn 't arrive . I waited for half an hour , then wandered around the school till I found an empty unlocked room , and started practicing Mozart . I agreed with my parents to meet at 16 : 00 at the Academy entrance . So I practiced till 16 : 00 , then went to check whether the teacher had arrived . And yeah , he had . Apparently , he meant 4 pm when he said 3 pm last lesson . Well , no big deal , I went outside and told my parents to come back in an hour , and then came back for the lesson . It lasted 40 minutes or so . The rest of the time I spent practicing more Mozart . Then mum , dad and I went to the Old Arbat ( my Academy is 10 minutes walk from there ) - that 's the famous central broadwalk . We went into a nice Uzbek restaurant , and had dinner . Afterwards , we went shopping . Didn 't buy much ; I bought 2 nice cards for Galya and Ira , and 6 chocolate bars , and a very nice 10x15 cm picture frame . Then we went home . The rest of the evening I spent figuring out why my computer is acting strangely . Apparently it 's because of the network settings , which are screwed up in Windows . Anyway , I put a picture of - Galya and Ira in front of Tower Bridge - into the frame and put it on the table in front of me . Very nice . Galya hasn 't received my e - mail , or hasn 't replied . And I haven 't seen her online . I wrote her an e - mail , quite desperate , I really need her . We had an argument last night , and I feel empty . 4 am . Woke up at 00 : 20 , after 2 . 5 hours of sleep , and couldn 't fall asleep , so got up . After several hours a poem in Pushkin 's style had been written , not complete yet . In the morning I went to sleep again . Mum and dad left before I woke up , which happened at 9 , but I got up at 10 : 30 . Left for the Academy at 11 : 00 . Had a piano lesson at 12 : 00 ; there was no music history lesson - the teacher is on holiday , so I practiced piano for two hours in the Academy , and then went home . Mum and dad came soon afterwards . Dad got the results of the HIV test - I 'm not infected , hehe . Later , Ira came online . We chatted for a few minutes , then she had to go . Afterwards , Galya came online , from Ira 's house . We chatted for a few minutes , then she had to go . Several hours later she came online from her house . We chatted till late evening , mostly argued . Then she left - was tired of me , and my ( damn it ) stubbornness . I couldn 't go to sleep , so I wrote a poem . Then I went . Couldn 't fall asleep for a long time . Woke up at 11 , but got up at 11 : 20 . Had some breakfast , and got ready to go to the Academy . Wanted to leave at 13 : 00 , but dad didn 't arrange for a car to pick me up . After several phone talks to him in the office , he agreed and arranged for a driver to give me a lift to the metro station . I arrived to the Academy at 14 : 05 , but the teacher was still busy with the previous student , so that was ok . The piano teacher , Irina Alekseyevna , listened to me playing Beethoven , Mozart and Bach , and told me that I play well . : ) She gave me some instructions and said that she 'll see me tomorrow at noon . After the lesson I waited for an hour until my composition teacher , Pyotr Aleksandrovich , arrived . We had some discussions regarding my previous compositions , and then he had a look at the new pieces , one of which satisfied him , to say the least . He told me what he wanted me to develop on , and stuff like that , and we agreed to see each other 3 times a week , on Mondays , Thursdays and Saturdays . Then I went home , took the metro . There was nobody home when I arrived , so I waited at the door for around an hour . Not nice . Mum and dad came from the office , and we went for a walk . I 'm going to go to sleep earlier tonight - tomorrow first lesson at noon , and then Music History at 12 : 30 . It 's 21 : 40 . Woke up and straight away went to the clinique and did the HIV test . Results in a few days . The rest of the day I spent practicing Mozart and Bach , and composing music . In the evening Galya came online , so we chatted for a bit . Then I phoned my teacher and arranged a time for our lesson - tomorrow , after the piano lesson , around 4 pm . I wrote another piece , with a good melodic line , the best of the three latest ones , probably ; practiced some more Mozart , then spent around 2 hours writing the pieces on paper . Finally went to sleep at around 4 : 15 am . I woke up at 3 pm . . . Lack of sleep during last week , I guess . Mum and I went for a walk in the forest . On the way home I did some passport - sized photos of myself , for the Academy - I 'll pick them up tomorrow . Then we went into a shop , bought some water , and came home . I practiced the Mozart sonata - started the second half of it . It went quite well . Some of it is very similar to the first half , only in a different key . Then , mum and I went to the shop again , to buy some chocolate for me . Afterwards , I practice some more Mozart . Then Galya came online . That was great , we chatted for over an hour . Some disappointments regarding her computers project , but nothing she can 't handle . I played a bit on the piano , then practiced Bach . It 's getting better , but not quite performance standard . But , all in all , this is Bach ! It 's 2 : 15 am . I woke up at midday . Mum and I dressed up . I was to be at the Academy at 2 pm , and mum wanted to go to the office . So we left together . On the way I bought a notebook to write in . There was no driver available , so I went by metro . It took almost an hour , but I arrived on time . First I had a Russian lesson . . . The teacher realised that I know Russian well enough not to attend her lessons , so she 'll talk to the Dean . Then I met my composition teacher . He asked me questions about my past and my musical past , so I told him . Then he wanted to listen to my compositions . I played my waltz to him , and he said he liked it . The rest , he said , he 'll listen at home ( I gave him a CD , and the score ) . We arranged a lesson on Thursday at 4 pm or so - after the piano lesson . The teacher himself is a cool guy , quite young , so it 's gonna be fun . After the lesson , I had an hour of nothing - to - do , so I went to the buffet . Bought myself a bottle of water and a chocolate bar . Sat at one of the tables , and started composing music . I wrote a few bars of something . . . Finally , I had a music harmony and theory lesson . That was real fun . The class consists of 4 Asian girls and me . What we actually do in the lesson is a lot of fun - we do a bit of singing , a bit of reading notes , a bit of rythm work , and other stuff . The teacher , Tatyana her name , is quite young , and very friendly . It 's going to be good fun studying in the Academy , this year at least . Mum and dad picked me up at 7 pm , and we went to the office . I phoned the agency , but they weren 't very helpful , as before , and the landlord is still away : all I 'm getting is an answering machine . I 'll send him a fax or something . Anyway , then I phoned Galya . We spoke for 22 : 04 ( ! ! ) minutes . . . Every time I hear her voice , I feel warm inside . I miss her so much . When we came home , I took out the few bars I wrote in the morning , and from it wrote a whole piece . A small one , but with a definite theme . The composition teacher asked me to prepare 5 or so intros for piano pieces - to compose them , that is . WePermalink Today we went to Gorbushka - that 's the name of the marketplace , where they sell cheap software and music CDs . We spent about an hour walking around and looking at stuff . I bought myself a CD with music software . Then we went home . The rest of the time I spent practicing Bach and Mozart . In the evening Galya came online , so we chatted for almost an hour , which was great . Then I spoke to Juliya for a few minutes and went to sleep . When , at around 7 am Galya went to bed , I took out the Mozart and started playing the sonata . I played for around 3 hours , it was worth it . Then I went to sleep for like 5 hours . Mum woke me up , we were invited to a friends / relatives house . So we , dad , mum and I , went . It was alright . They had a Persian cat , which was a bit amusing ; we had dinner there , and left at around 10 pm . I practiced a bit more Mozart , I can now play half of the sonata almost up to speed , which is pretty cool for a day 's work . It 's 00 : 20 . I 'll practice some Bach now , and go to bed in a few hours . Practiced some Bach , and had a look at the Mozart 's sonata . Phoned the properties agency in England , and they faxed the bill to me . They want to take extra 600 pounds for damages and lost items , which wasn 't my fault , but the landlords , so I 'll have to take it up with the landlord . Mum and I went shopping , then came back to dad 's office . I phoned Galya , while mum went home . We spoke for around 15 minutes . Then I phoned grandma for 5 minutes , and then we went home . I practiced a bit more Bach and then Galya came online . We haven 't talked properly for almost a week now , so we chatted till morning . . . Couldn 't sleep at night , at first . Got up and played on the piano , which was still set up on the chair . Then went to sleep , around 3 am . Got woken up by mum at noon . We went to the office , where I quickly printed out a page with the list of schools I attended , for my piano teacher . Then the driver took me to the Academy . I was there at 2 pm , as planned . My piano teacher didn 't show up . Instead she left a note that she wanted me to get Mozart 's Sonata # 12 , part 1 , and one of Bach 's 2 - voice inventions , and prepare them for next thursday , i . e . play them perfectly by then . That 's some hard work for me . The note also told me the times of my Music History and Music Theory lessons , as well as the phone number of my composition tutor , whom I have to phone and arrange our common timetable . I tried phoning later , but he wasn 't in , so I 'll phone tomorrow . I went to the Academy 's library , and got out the 2 music scores , then took the metro home . I found Galya 's tape ! ! ! It 's the tape she brought as a present for me when she came to London . It contains some wonderful cartoons . This was so amazing , because I thought I left the tape in London , and wondered - how could that happen , because I payed so much attention to not forgetting it , and there you go . I was feeling guilty all this time , and now I 'm just so glad it 's here . It 's very dear to me , a present from Galya . I miss her so much . . . Anyway . I phoned her and told her the good news . She 's feeling better , and will go to school on Sunday which is great news . I reconstructed my white computer table , and put the computer on it , and connected all the cables . I also set up my piano properly . I rearranged the room a bit so that everything fits in nicely . It does . : ) Dad came home soon afterwards , and said he liked the arrangement . Mum said she 'll find out tomorrow whether we 're staying in this flat for long , then we can buy a real piano . Mum and dad went for a walk , while I did some work on the computer . Then they came back . Dad and I went for a walk immediately afterwards , and boughPermalink Today was a resting day . . . First thing I did after I woke up ( 3 pm ) was place the piano ( only the top of the keyboard , without its support ) on a chair , and connected it to the mains , and played for 2 hours . Then mum and I went for a walk in the forest . It was colder today than it was in the past week , autumn is arriving . Dad came back from the office shortly after we came back from the forest . I put a pizza in the oven ( first time I make a pizza in Russia , want to see what it tastes like here ) , and mum and dad went out for a walk . The pizza wasn 't bad , for a pizza in Russia . I sung a bit , and they came back . Tomorrow I have my first lesson in the Academy at 2 pm . mIRC v5 . 8 is out . Will set up my computer tomorrow , or the day after . It 's 23 : 20 . Tomorrow arrived way too quickly , today that is . I fell asleep only around 3 am and had to get up at 8 am . Dad decided to go to the airport with mum and me , and so we all went . A 2 hour journey again . Yesterday - mum was doing most of the talking to people and getting them to do stuff , like tell her where to go next and what to sign next ; today , I decided that I 'm doing all the work , since yesterday we got pretty much nowhere . Again , started the walking around the whole complex , and signing of papers , or like most of the time , being directed somewhere where you needn 't go at all . . . Anyway , I was very tough with those Russians , and within several hours got them to get the manager . Finally I could be in charge of someone who had no one to ask for instructions from - after all - he 's the manager ! So , I was in charge ! You see , they wanted to charge me up to 50 % of the cost of my whole package - sending - procedure - the total of which was $ 2000 ! After much arguing and negotiating , we agreed on 0 . 1 % . So we payed the $ 2 , and were on our way to get the package , when , apparently , it was 1 pm - lunchtime . And I had an appointment in the Academy for 3 pm . So , with the receipt , that we payed $ 2 ( lol ) - we went back to the city , i . e . several hours by car and metro , and by 3 pm were in the Academy . That was fun . The Academy was full of students , especially girls , pretty girls , and very pretty girls ( none of whom compare with Galya ! ) , and here I was , a handsome guy ( with bloody short hair ( more handsome , some say ) ) walking around and paying 0 attention to those girls . Heh heh . I signed the contract , talked to the Dean of International matters , who is also the piano teacher . I was told that she 'll be my piano tutor , irrespective of any other lessons I will have . I was glad to hear that I 'll be having piano tuition , let alone , hearing that all the composers who leave the Academy are practically concert pianists ! One of my wishes came true . Next , I found out that language is a must in the Academy , and so , besides Russian , I will be lPermalink What a day ! Ok , where do I begin . . . Let 's try the beginning - woke up at 8 am , way too early , got only 4 hours sleep , but had to get up - a long day had been planned . . . Oh yeah . An hour later mum and I were on our way to the metro station , and two hours later at the Aeroflot Cargo somewhere between Sheremetyevo 1 and 2 . We were set to get my baggage , which had arrived 3 days earlier . The first problem was that the " receiver " was my dad 's Jewel Plant . Yeah right . This meant that we needed documents from the plant 's managing director and what not . And not to think of the tip that they 'd expect - a Jewel Plant after all ! So anyway , after the third time we turned to her , the girl who handled us told us to try the Aeroflot representatives . Those were located at the other end of the half - hour road between the two airports . Anyway , long story , in which I had to write a declaration that I , myself am the sender ( which is damn obvious from the documents ! ! ) , and then rewrite the declaration 3 times until they were satisfied . Finally , it was rewritten on my name , and we headed back to Aeroflot Cargo to " get " our baggage . Right . . . Immediately . . . Hah ! From about 2 pm until 6 pm we ran around the whole massive building from one person to another , singing one thing after another , paying here and there , and what not , until finally we were directed towards the customs , where my package had been held . After 2 hours of negotiating , they decided to inspect the package . The actual package wasn 't too big - 1 . 35 cube metres , but the weight - 405 kg ! Of course - it contained my computer , tv , vcr , hi - fi and keyboard ! Oh and another 200 kg of " stuff " . . . after all , it was most of the contents of a 3 - bedroom flat ! Where was I ? Oh yeah , inspection . . . " Open up " they said . Oh yeah , easy to say . They had no tools whatsoever to offer us , and of course no help from them . After several minutes of running around the whole complex , mum found a nail - pull - out - er . I took it , and after 5 minutes of hard work , I managed to open the top of the package . Of cPermalink Woke up even later , 5 pm . It 's the third time I wake up and remember dreaming that I was composing music . I could remember the music I was composing in my dream . This means that I write music in my dreams , and most of the time don 't know about it . That sucks . Dad , mum and I went for a walk in the forest . It rained . We talked about my dad 's new plans to move to Israel . Apparently , in a month or two he and mum will leave Moscow , and want to buy a house in Israel . This means I 'll be living in Moscow alone . That sucks . Regarding ADSL dad said that he 's not going to do anything , for now , so I 'm left with a crappy internet that takes 25 times redialing until it connects , and the cps never gets above 1kb / sec . That sucks as well . What sucks even more is that Galya is ill , and I 'm not there with her . She sent me a sweet poem , which cheered me up a bit . I replied . Hope she 's better . Long day tomorrow , have to get my baggage . By the way , dad said we 're not renting a different flat , because 2 rooms is more than enough for me . Following all this , I wrote a poem called " Izgnan " ( " Outcast " ) . Then I found a way to type in Russian on this laptop , so I spent some 4 hours typing in my last 5 poems for Galya , and the new one , then put them on the web . It 's been an annoying day , and now it 's 4 am . Good night . Woke up late , and straight away phoned Aeroflot Cargo . They said they 'll keep the package free of charge till Wednesday , so I 'll pick it up Monday or Tuesday . Mum and I went for a walk in the forest . We spent a few hours there , then mum remembered that she had to be home at 5 pm , so we went home . Then she phoned the properties agency and made an appointment to see a flat . So we woke dad up and went . The flat was awful . We didn 't go home ; instead we took the metro to the city centre - Arbat street , to be precise . It 's sometimes called Moscow 's Picadilly , funny . Anyway , we walked down this long street there and back , ate in a restaurant and went home . Galya came online soon , and we spoke , for the last time , it seemed , for a long time . I hope not . But school has started , and she has to study for the psycometric test . And my studies start in 3 days too . Ahh . Anyway , then I worked a bit on my homepage , in fact , created this Journal . Dad 's watching TV here in my room , I 'll probably go to sleep in an hour or so . 2 : 32 am . Peace . Good news ! My baggage has arrived . At 20 : 00 or so , to the airport . I found out after phoning United Links from dad 's office . The Internet card has ran out and we went to buy a new one . Dad bought a new card with a new company , then we did some shopping . Long time I haven 't been in a Russian supermarket . Quite nice actually , I got myself several chocolate bars , just to try them out , so I know what 's good . Still one left . Then we went for a walk . Well , not much of a walk really , because mum and I had a little misunderstanding . Well , so I went home and they went for a walk . I got on the net in the mean time with this new company , which charges $ 0 . 40 per hour during daytime . Expensive , huh . Well I 'll get ADSL as soon as I can put my hands on it . Then I spoke with Galya . Not for too long , she had to go . I read her my new poem , Osen ( Autumn ) , she approved . Then she had to go . Ira came online . That was a surprise , I didn 't even have her on my list , so I was surprised at someone saying " Hi : - ) how are you ? " . Then we chatted for like half an hour before Galya came online again . I put her in the chat and the three of us chatted for another 45 minutes or so , when Ira left . Great fun . Then Galya and I had an argument about male and female friendships . She won . Then she left . Ok , it 's almost 5 a . m . , end of 1 September . |
This morning I went in for my visit with Buddy . He was pretty alert , so the nurse gave him a bottle to try . He ate the whole thing in about 10 minutes without any problems . Then I was able to burp him ( which he did quickly ) and hold him . He was very alert during all of this . This afternoon I went back in to visit . When I got there , I knew something was up because the IV machines were by his bed . The nurse approached me to tell me that this morning the found blood in his stool . It wasn 't a lot , but they take everything very seriously . It could be something small or this could indicate something major . So they have stopped his feedings ( again ) and put him back on antibiotics . Both of these things will last at least three days . Buddy 's coloring was also a little off this afternoon , and he slept the whole time . I was not able to hold him because of him being hooked up . I dread going back tomorrow and / or Thursday because about that time his little tummy will get hungry , and my sweet happy baby will be very angry ( understandably ) followed later by very lethargic . I really hate all of this . I hate being able to do nothing but wait and see . I hate that things go well and I get my hopes up only to have things go back to how they were . I know things could be so much worse . I am thankful that the medical staff is very attentive and on the ball to catch things early . My head understands all of this , but my heart has rarely experienced such pain . The last 24 hours have been difficult for me because I have had two different doctors appointments - one leaving me disappointed and the other one leaving me a bit worried . I am having something checked out tomorrow at noon , so please pray that it turns out to be no big deal rather than something else . Please pray for our sweet baby - that the doctors figure out what is wrong and can fix it easily and quickly , that Buddy would be as pain - free as possible , and that he would bounce back from this setback . Please pray for me - my health concerns and my emotions at this time . I started cryingPosted by Buddy is one month old today ! ( But just 34 weeks gestationally ) He celebrated by getting a blood transfusion late this morning . His numbers were low , and that may be why he was having a hard time having energy enough to coordinate sucking / swallowing / breathing . We are praying he learns this as soon as he can . He is up to 4 lbs 6 oz - exactly 1 lb more than his birthweight . We are thankful for all of the progress he has made , not only in weight , but also in all of his other little victories . This has been the longest month of my life , but it also feels like he was just born . I can 't imagine our life without him . I was hoping to post a picture of him tonight , but I am tired . It has been a long day for me for a variety of reasons . I am ready to crawl into bed . I didn 't update last night because I was pretty tired after a very fun night at my friend 's wedding . It was great catching up with some dear college friends , and I hated to leave the fun . CONGRATS DEB AND JARED ! Buddy was supposed to attend the wedding via womb , but instead we had free babysitting ( or really expensive baby - sitting ) provided by the NICU nurses . I think it was the first night that Hubby and I did not go up for our evening touch time . We did stop in briefly on our way home from the reception . Buddy is still learning to eat from a bottle - building those cheek / mouth muscles and learning to coordinate sucking , breathing , and swallowing . It is an exhausting thing for such a little guy . The doctor is not allowing us to feed him any more until he gets a little better at eating . This is hard for me because I feel like I miss out on some bonding time . I understand the reasoning , but it doesn 't make it easy . This afternoon when Hubby and I were up after church , Buddy took his whole bottle ( I think he 's up to 40 mL ) in a really good amount of time without too much difficulty . Then he was very alert for most of the time Hubby was holding him . Our little guy loves to look around and take in his surroudings . He is also doing really well responding to / recognizing our voices . So we see some features of ours that are in Buddy . What do you see ? Today Buddy briefly met two of my good college friends who are in town this weekend . I say briefly because right after I took over feeding him his bottle from the nurse , he started choking , which led to him DSATing and turning a bluish color . SCARY ! The nurse got him his oxygen , but it was a horrible moment for me . Apparently he was just tuckered out and done eating when I took over , but it still made me feel bad . Luckily , he recovered quickly . He has been sleeping very calmly all afternoon . Buddy had another good day . He was very sleepy during a couple of my visits so we didn 't attempt bottle feeding those two times , but apparently last night he took the bottle really well at all of his feedings . He did pretty well the time I was there , and he was alert enough to feed . It was hard for me to leave him tonight . I wish I could pull up a sleeping bag next to his little bed and stay there . Buddy had two successful bottle feeds with me today - taking almost all of each bottle . The nurse this morning said the doctors gave permission to have him work on his sucking / bottle feeding at each nurse 's discretion rather than just once a day . He is so alert , especially at the beginning of this feedings . I love the little sounds and looks he has . He is up to 4 lbs . 3 oz , and tonight they took him off of his IV fluids . I think they said tomorrow they are going to add calorie supplement to his milk . Again , I ask for prayer for his digestive system . I really don 't want him to have another setback and be taken off food again . The best thing was tonight we were told we can bring clothes for him to wear tomorrow ! They put him in a little outfit that actually we all thought looked a bit small . Not small in width , but his little legs barely fit in the pajamas in which the NICU put him . So I am bringing a couple preemie things and newborn things to see which work tomorrow . He looked so cute in pajamas , but I didn 't have my camera tonight . : ( The nurse took his picture with the NICU camera , but she hasn 't printed them yet . Hopefully they will be there tomorrow . I am still feeling run - down sometimes emotionally and physically . Even though Buddy is doing well , I have moments where I am sad for a variety of reasons . But when I am up at the hospital holding my little boy , my exhaustion and sadness dissolve . Yesterday the nurse had me begin pseudo - nursing . The NICU has babies bottle feed before they nurse , but they also allow babies to learn what they are supposed to be doing during cuddle - care / skin - to - skin time . I won 't describe the experience on this blog , but having people walk by you at your less - than - modest moments with only 1 screen sheltering you isn 't quite how I imagined motherhood . Tonight we found out that there is " an order " ( aka permission ) to start feeding Buddy once a day by bottle . This is a huge step ! Hubby did the feeding tonight . Buddy took about half of his bottle ( 10 out of 21 mL ) , and the rest he didn 't take they put in his tube . He has done really well with both new experiences . We are praying that he continues to digest well . It was when he got to about 1 oz of food that he had issues last time . Please pray with us that he continues to do well so we can get him home with us as soon as possible . Today is day 24 . Buddy was very alert this morning when I came to visit . The nurses noted how observant he is . He wants to take everything in . Immediately I remember that this is a sign that my child is gifted ! Thanks , Becky R ! : ) We had a great morning snuggling - mommy and baby . I also had a good visit with him this afternoon . Buddy continues to be without oxygen . They are trying to get him an isolette again to help keep out some of the noise of the NICU . ( Think Vegas casino and those are the noises of the NICU . ) They also are doing his feeding through his nose now because it is more comfortable for him , which means we were able to see his whole face ! I tried taking pictures tonight , but they did not turn out so great . Buddy is now up to 4 lbs . 4 . 02 lbs or 4 lbs 2 oz . We aren 't quite sure because we didn 't get a great look at the scale . But we know it is over 4 lbs ! ! We are so excited . He is also up to 17 mL of milk . Please continue to pray that he does well with remembering to breathe and his digestive system handles everything well this time . Besides the pictures in frames for Hubby 's office , Buddy gave a very good Father 's Day gift . He has been off his oxygen tube all day with very little trouble . While we were there tonight he would dip a little bit once in awhile on his O2 numbers , but he was able to fix it on his own very quickly without us jiggling his chin or chest . He is also up to 18 . 75 inches and 3 lbs 15 oz . He is now taking 7 mL of food , and they are going to increase with each feeding as long as there aren 't problems . Having Buddy has enabled me to understand God 's love for each of us in a new way . I love my son uncondtionally just because he is mine . He does nothing , nor will he ever be able to do anything , to earn my love . In the same way , I know without a doubt that he will never do anything that will make me not love him . As he has been through some rough spots this week , my heart has broken as I observed his pain . I am realizing how much God 's heart must break over the pain we experience . Even more , I get just a glimpse of the pain God felt when He watched his only Son suffer , for our behalf . Buddy must be making others think about spiritual things . I was talking to a very important person in my life who has yet to meet the baby . He said loving Buddy is like loving Jesus . He has yet to meet him , but he loves him ; he has yet to meet Jesus , but he loves Him . God is working a lot in our lives . I have already witnessed some of God 's plan for reconcilliation that has happened in many ways because Buddy was born . I know there is still much more to be accomplished . Honestly , there are moments lately when I have said , " I don 't want to grow , God . I have grown enough . I have already been through ____________ and ____________ and ______________ . This is enough . Pick on someone else . " And I will still have these moments when I continue to tell God to please leave me be . But in this moment I am seeing a new glimpse of God 's plan for my life . Just a glimpse . We pretty much spent our Saturday at the hospital . If we weren 't there , we were eating or resting . No complaints , just fact . Buddy was alert when Hubby was up there this morning ( I " slept in " for the first time I think since he was born . ) The rest of the day we went up together , and Buddy is starting to seem a little more like himself again . Tonight at 5 : 00 they started his feedings again . He is just getting 5 mL , but it is something . We are praying he tolerates the feedings and has no more stomach / digestive issues . Today we were lucky to have lots of visits with our little guy . Hubby was able to go during his lunch break and got off work a little early and visited then , and I had my regular visits . Buddy was very lethargic during our several visits throughout the day . When I went in the afternoon they had just finished putting in a new pic line , and I was told he would be getting 7 days worth of antibiotic , and the nurse hadn 't heard anything about restarting his feeding . This information was very disheartening in addition to the fact that the baby hadn 't been very responsive lately - he barely would open his eyes during our visits , whereas last week he was much more interactive with us . Tonight when we went up to the hospital the doctor told us that they took Buddy off of his antibiotics and that they may restart feeding tomorrow . He explained that " babies are precious ; life is precious " so they take every precaution they can . Buddy had his eyes open a little bit , and seemed a little more responsive than he has the last couple of days . We are hoping things continue to improve . A very good piece of news is that although he has been on the IV and not food , he is now up to 3 lbs . 14 oz . We are thankful he has gained weight this week . Buddy slept through most of our visits today . He seemed lethargic , which I guess is better than being angry because of the hunger . It is sad for me to see him not be very interactive , but he did seem content enough . They did not feed him today , but it may start again tomorrow . We are hoping this is the case . The feedings will start out very small , and then just like before they will gradually work him up - it goes just a milliliter at a time . Hubby and I each got a chance to hold our precious boy today . We are looking forward to the day when he doesn 't seem quite so fragile and when he doesn 't have so many things poking into him / out of him to make holding even easier . I love roller coasters at theme parks . The faster , the higher , the loopier ( is that a word ? ) the better . I do not love the roller coaster ride I have been on the last couple of days , though I know it could be so much worse , and I am thankful that it is not as bad as others ' rides . This morning a very angry Buddy greeted me in the NICU . The nurse on duty kept saying to him , " Why are you angry ? " Well , I do not have a medical degree , but I think he is angry because he has not had any food for over a day , he has a hood over his head which limits his squirming , and he has a bunch of tubes and wires coming out of him . I let my baby know that he has a right to be crabby . It was the most heart - wrenching thing to sit there for about 45 minutes watching him cry and being unable to do anything to comfort him . I just tried talking to him and touching his little hand or arm . I cried as he cried . He was still fussy during my afternoon visit and Hubby 's visit after work , but not as angry as the morning . He was sleeping / resting during most of these visits . Tonight we went up , and I was relieved to see one of the sweetest nurses in charge of our son tonight . She is very grandmotherly . He was a bit angry at the beginning of the visit , but she talked so nicely to him the whole time . His oxygen hood is off , so we will see if he is able to continue to just breathe room air again . His IVs in his head and foot had issues today , so now he has one in his hand , and he has this big wrap thing around it . So far the cultures are negative for infection ( which is good ) , but tomorrow is day 3 of those cultures . The nurse said his looping looks like it is gone as far as she and the afternoon nurse can tell from the outside , and she mentioned that they may try feeding again tomorrow . We shall see . We are praying that he has good rest tonight , and that his cultures turn out okay . We are also praying that he has excellent breathing with minimal or zero DSATs . Finally we are praying that the looping is gone , and whatever the issue there was will be resoPosted by Just a brief update before we go back up to the hospital . Buddy 's looping on his stomach happens sometimes with premature babies . They have sent bloodwork / cultures to the lab to see if he has an infection . This could take up to 3 days . For now , they have him on antibiotics , and his feedings have had to stop . I know that they did an x - ray this morning , and I am assuming that turned out okay because the doctor and nurse have not mentioned anything was wrong on those . We basically have to wait for the lab results before we know what we are dealing with . He has an IV right now in his head ( apparently this is a normal place for babies ) , he had a blood transfusion today , and he will get his picline tomorrow . The doctor informed us that this is serious , but Buddy is doing okay . The doctor also said they are being proactive in treating what may be an infection so they do not have to treat a sicker baby later . He mentioned a couple of potential scenarios , one of which included the phrase " spinal tap " - but we are praying that the antibiotics work or that Buddy was just not ready to handle his feedings since he still should be in the womb for about 8 more weeks and backing up a bit cures whatever is wrong . Buddy was a bit fussy and pretty active / alert this afternoon when we visited . The nurse informed us this is a good thing because if he felt really bad he wouldn 't be so active / responsive . Thank you again for praying for our family . If there is anything else to report after tonight 's visit I will try to post tonight or tomorrow morning . 10 : 15 PM UPDATE : X - ray tonight showed there is still looping on stomach or intestines ( can 't remember which ) . He had a pretty significant DSAT while we were there - in the 40s . He turned a grayish color for a little bit ( which apparently is not as bad as blue , but it isn 't a good color , like pink . ) Praying Buddy remembers to breathe tonight and everything with his digestive system turns out okay soon . Still waiting on the cultures . It is never a good thing to get a phone call at 6 AM - especially when your baby is in the NICU . Last night was an excellent night with Buddy when we went up to visit around the 9 : 00 hour . He wasn 't D - SATing , we gave him a sponge bath , he was switched to a different bed , Hubby had holding time , and he was a pretty happy baby ( once that bath was done ) . Hubby answered the phone this morning so all of this information is what I gathered from him : - Buddy was DSATing a lot last night in the 40s and 50s ( which is low ) . He now has an oxygen bubble on his head ( I will check out what this is when I can get up to the hospital in a bit after the shift - change ) . - He is having digestion issues . He is having little looping show up on his belly . - With both of these things , they are taking him off his feedings for the next several days , and they are giving him antibiotics . We will see if the antibiotics do the trick or if there is something else going on . Please pray that Buddy recovers quickly from whatever is hurting him . I am off to get ready to get to the hospital . I can 't get in until 7 because of the shift change . Pray for us , too . Our little guy was doing so well , so this is upsetting and discouraging . I would like to think of myself as a spontaneous person . I wavered on my college decision until just a few weeks before the start of the school year . After a phone interview , I committed to my first teaching job across the country having never even been to the town . I met my husband online , we got engaged just days after meeting in person ( we had talked for a few months ) , and eloped a few months later , though we had spent approximately 3 weeks in person together . Today , however , I finally had somewhat of a routine , and I LOVED it . Woke up , went to the hospital , said good - bye to my mom ( again ) , came home and did some chores , lunch , hospital visit which included time to hold Buddy , home again , hospital again , home again , dinner ( thanks B family ! ) , a little down time , and then we will go back to the hospital , then sleep . I feel somewhat human on a routine . I hope it goes as well tomorrow . Buddy had his nasal cannula removed last night or this morning , so he is breathing the same air as we breathe . We are now able to see some more of his face , and it 's pretty cute . He is still having issues with D - SATing ( forgetting to breathe ) , but this is completely " normal " considering he is just 32 weeks gestationally . He is also 18 . 5 inches long , which means he has grown 2 inches in 2 weeks ! He is getting more active . We see his eyes more frequently when we visit . When I called in Sunday morning on the way to church , the nurse said she put him in a snuggli ( not a Snuggie ) because he was scooting around his bed and ended up with his face pressed against the portal that our hands go through ! Apparently he wants out of there ! At noon today I was once again able to hold my little guy , and he made such cute baby noises both while he was looking around the NICU and while he was falling asleep . Buddy is up to 3 lbs . 9 oz . Tonight they will measure his length and his head circumference . Apparently they do that every Sunday night . His milk is being supplemented with extra calories , and the nurse said they upped his calories . This should help him get some of that baby fat he is lacking and get him looking more like a baby and less like an old man , which is how premature babies look at first . I think he has already started looking more like a baby , so I am anxious to see him put on more weight and get some rolls on those skinny little legs of his . The nurse also told us the next thing is to get him to be able to stay off his oxygen , which is currently given to him through a nasal cannula ( spelling ? ) . He doesn 't require much oxygen through his nose , but every time they try taking that away he doesn 't like it very much . He is really just 32 weeks now if he was still in the womb . I am battling guilty feelings as a mom . I feel bad that I can 't be up there 24 / 7 . I feel bad that today I physically had to take a nap and get caught up on some rest instead of visiting him this afternoon a second time . I worry that we won 't bond and that he 'll think the nurses are his mommy . He responds when I talk to him when I am up there , and it seems like he knows I am at least someone important - but does he know I am momma ? I find it strange that I decided not to go back to work in the fall because I wanted to be the one to care for him - not baby - sitters or a daycare - and here I am having other people and machines care for my baby because that is what he needs right now . At the NICU parent group , I heard the leader give parent quote that he / she felt like he / she had been put in a blender , and that is how I feel emotionally this weekend . I do not want to go the " Why me , God ? " and " This isn 't fair ! " place that I so naturally run to when difficult things happen , but I find myself tempted to pack up my bags and travel there because although it is a miserable location , it is familiar , and familiarity offers some comfort . Instead , I wPosted by Sometimes I feel like I am running out of steam by about 6 : 00 . For example , today I was up at 7 : 00 , did what I needed to do here at home , was off to the hospital for an hour at 7 : 45 , ate breakfast and ran with my mom to get household items we needed ( paper towels , napkins , etc . ) . Came home to take care of some things here , ate lunch , took a brief nap , got some things done for Buddy , went back to the hospital , met my family for dinner , came back to play a game of cards , sent " the grandparents " to visit the baby , finishing up some laundry with Hubby , and we are about to go back up to the hospital . I could crawl into bed right now and sleep for about 3 days straight , but I won 't . I don 't want to miss time with my little one or skip the things I need to do for him . Buddy is 2 weeks old today - almost to the exact moment I am typing this entry . " Meemaw " and " Grampy " are both in town this weekend . I was able to hold Buddy for the first time in a few days ( due to a variety of circumstances ) , and Hubby was able to do skin - to - skin time again tonight . We have the same day nurse we have had for a couple of days now , and I really like her . The night nurse is a new face to me , but I really liked the impression I had of her tonight . He continues to have some breathing issues today , but they aren 't as frequent , and they aren 't as severe . I was too tired to post last night , so I will post this morning about yesterday . Buddy is up to 3 lbs . 8 oz . He had fewer breathing episodes . He is still having them , but it looks to be less frequently . We have had another really good day nurse the last few days . Today was a much better day . My cousins from IL / IA drove several hours yesterday to come visit me for a day and a half and to meet the baby . It has been so good laughing with them over old memories and new stories . They were able to come up and see Buddy , and we had a great nurse today ! Buddy is still having trouble with forgetting to breathe . He was alert when Hubby visited at lunch time as well as when I visited and changed his diaper this afternoon . He stayed awake and alert for several minutes this afternoon and looked really happy . It makes my heart glad to see him either resting comfortably or alert and content . My mom comes back tomorrow , and my dad comes on Friday , so it will be good to see them both and have them around for a little while again . I am posting a little earlier than usual because I am exhausted and have a feeling I will crash when we get home from the hospital tonight . I have two important prayer requests . # 1 - Buddy is having a problem which is apparently common for premature babies . He is forgetting to breathe . It is called D - SAT or V - SAT , I can 't remember . When this happens , it is very scary for me as the momma to watch . Please pray that God would touch his body and the parts that help him remember to breathe since he is no longer in the womb and having momma breathe for him . # 2 - We have had really great nurses up until yesterday afternoon . In the last 24 hours we have had two bad nurses - bad in different ways . I already wrote about yesteryday 's . The other one from today seems competent medically but does not deal with parents well . I don 't know how to explain the situation on a blog . Please pray that we get back the nurses that we loved when they are working , and that when they are not working that we get some other ones that we love just as much as our favorites . Pray that above all Buddy would be cared for and given the attention he deserves . So we have loved our NICU nurses . They treat Buddy with such tender loving care . Tonight we had one that I did not like . At all . She came in at 3 when I was there , and usually I get to hold Buddy at 3 , but I did not while she was there . Then we came back for our usual 8 : 30ish - 10ish time , and again , we did not get to hold him . Not only that but he had trouble breathing a few times while we were there , and she did not seem all that concerned to me , the momma . She also had some other things that I would label under " incompetent . " She let us know that she is normally not in the NICU - just with the newborns . So as a school teacher I know that sometimes I luck out and get a great sub , but normally I get some random person that has been pulled off the street to teach my class . " Father Time " , " Guy Who Sleeps , " " Woman Who Ignores Plans and Has Kids Make Paper Airplanes . " In a classroom , I can deal with a not - so - great sub . In the NICU I cannot . We just talked a couple weeks ago in Sunday school about being an advocate for your children - and here is my chance to start . I was very emotional leaving , and finally pulled myself together to call the supervisor . I made sure to mention how much we loved our other nurses , but then specificallly told the supervisor my concerns . She was very nice , said she would keep an eye on this person , and that a NICU nurse would be watching Buddy in about an hour at the shift change . I realized tonight how much I HATE our son being in the hospital . I know that he needs the care they provide , and like I said , other than this evening we have been very happy with how things are going up there . Tonight I just wish I could be the person to provide everything my baby needs , and it breaks my heart to be here instead of there . I am running on very little sleep today , so I have to be home to get caught up on my rest , otherwise I would be up there on the floor in a sleeping bag . : ) Buddy had another good day . He is back up to his birth weight , and he is up to 19 mL of food . We continue to pray that his stomach / digestive system willl be able to handle this . We have been blessed with some really good nurses . One we 've had the last 3 - 4 days had mentioned that Buddy is so sweet she just wants to put him in her pocket . So today she did , and she gave us the picture ! It was a good day . Both Hubby and I got cuddle time ( skin - to - skin contact ) with Buddy . We have to spread out these times to not overstimulate him and to make sure he gets plenty of rest . Mike changed a dirty diaper like a champ - apparently we missed out on a messier one . Buddy has a good reputation in the NICU . We 've had lots of nurses tell us how sweet he is . We are proud of him already ! One week ago today I was in labor - probably still at an eight . I seemed to hang out there for awhile . Tonight we received excellent news . Buddy 's brain scan showed no bleeding and his brain looks normal . Praise God ! In other exciting news , he went # 2 without needing the medicine they were going to give him . This is another indication the feedings are going well . Hubby was able to hold him and have skin - to - skin time for almost an hour . We are sure Buddy realized Daddy 's skin is a lot harrier than Mommy 's ! : ) My mom left this morning after we went to visit Buddy . It was hard to say goodbye , even though I know she will be back soon . I spent the rest of the morning napping . Then I did some laundry , dishes , and cleaned the cleaner of the two bathrooms . It felt good to do something normal . At 4 : 00 I was able to have skin to skin contact while I held Buddy . Hubby held up his little container of food . All of this I think was to simulate nursing . Tomorrow evening if all goes well Hubby will get to hold his son for the first time . I am very excited to see this . Tomorrow morning Buddy is supposed to have a scan to see if there is any brain bleeding . I thought they were scanning other things , but apparently it is just the brain . Please pray for good results with this . Today was a very eventful day for Buddy . First of all , when I arrived this morning he was moved from his isolation room to the area of the NICU with the other babies . His sunglasses were off because his skin is looking good , and he doesn 't need the light treatment any more for jaundice . This afternoon when we got there he was moving quite a bit , and he opened his eyes . Even though his eyes are blue right now , the expression of his eyes look so much like Hubby . Mom and I were both like , " He looks like M right now ! " We also watched him get a breathing treatment , which consisted of his back being thumped to get anything out of his lungs . When Hubby and I came for our nighttime visit , Buddy had received TWO feedings , which he has handled well . His stomach emptied like it was supposed to , and so far no complications . Please pray that continues to go well . The nurse asked if we wanted to stick around till 9 : 30ish so that I could hold him when they did his 9 : 30 / 10 : 00 routine . So of course we stayed . Hubby was able to take Buddy 's temperature tonight and had his first experience changing a diaper . Buddy tried to squirt him during the diaper change , but hubby was able to cover up the spray with a wet wipe . We all got a good laugh about the joke Buddy played on Daddy . : ) Tonight I was able to hold my baby for about 15 mintues . What an ordeal just to hold him . Get me a gown and a chair , get him wrapped up all warm in a blanket , make sure all his cords / tubes are going to reach , get settled . What an amazing feeling ! I got choked up , which made my nose run , which hubby had to grab the tissue for me since I didn 't have free hand nor did I want to get those germs on the baby . Hubby took lots of pictures and the nurse took one of our family together . I will try to upload those tomorrow for those of you who don 't have facebook . We are so thankful for a good day today . We cherish every moment , every milestone . We know that it is the prayers of our friends and family that are helping our little guy with his health and is giving us the abiPosted by Things are about the same as yesterday . Buddy continues to breathe without the ventilator . He had a blood transfusion today . We are praying to get through the last few hours of day 4 without complications because that will reduce his chances of having a brain bleed . Day 7 is his scan . We are slowly getting on a routine , but we are exhausted . It is difficult to see our baby hooked up to wires and machines , and it is heart - wrenchng to leave him behind when we go home , especially at night . I worry each time the house phone rings that it is the hospital calling . We are doing our best to trust God in all of this , but trust takes energy . We continue to ask for your prayers for our family - we need them and we appreciate them . Buddy was able to come of his breathing tube today . He now has oxygen in a tube in his nose instead of his throat . It is hard work for him to breathe , but he is doing pretty well . His cultures have come back well , so they are also going to take him off antibiotics . Hubby started his new job today so pray for that transition . |
* * I really want a Mac laptop . I just don 't want to part with the money to buy one . Especially since the moment I do something new and better will be on the market . I have spent over a year now researching every possible laptop out on the market and now I 'm so informed and overwhelmed that I can 't make a decision . Aside from my dream Mac I have at least narrowed the brand down to either a Dell or a Gateway and am hoping to be able to make a decision within the next week . So , I am asking you my internet friends . Any suggestions ? What are your personal preferences and why ? Have you had a bad experience with any particular make and / or model ? * * My birthday was pretty uneventful as a whole . However , my daughter is very excited about birthdays and she just couldn 't believe I was not going to have a birthday party . ( She doesn 't yet realize my husband and I are going out tomorrow alone in celebration ) so , she spent the day making me beautiful pictures and then made a card for me tonight . So incredibly sweet and thoughtful . * * Just a few short years ago I would be spending New Years Eve out drinking at a party . Tonight I sit at home watching TV and fiddling on the computer . Oh , how times have changed . * * A good friend had her first baby tonight ! ( On her due date , no less ) . Congrats J ! ! ! Your son is in good company : ) * * My daughter was given a plasma car for Christmas from my parents . I had never heard of it before . The basic idea is that the weight of your body propels the movement of the car by gently moving the steering wheel back and forth . Once moving it steers like a car even going in reverse . I think I have spent more time on it than my children . Lately , I have taken to giving rides to each child . They think it is the greatest way to spend the day and since our downstairs is completely tiled we have quite a bit of inside space to cruise ( The car holds up to 220 pounds ) . * * I 'm not a big fan of New Years resolutions because most of the time I think they are made with little intention of truly keeping them or the best of Posted by I really can 't believe that 2008 is coming to a close . This year just seemed to fly by . As with most this year was filled both with good and bad and so I won 't spend the time recapping each . I will say that I am eager , for many reasons , to see what 2009 has to offer both me personally and the collective we , as a country . New Years has always been a dual celebration for me because it 's my birthday . When I was a kid I hated having my birthday this close to Christmas because we 'd have to wait to have a " friend " party until school was back in and because I had to figure out every gift I wanted for the entire year because I knew I only had one month to get them in . As I got older I didn 't mind as much because there was always something to do . My friends in college always threw huge birthday bashes . Same can be said today . . . minus the big bashes , which I have come to loathe . Because the kids have been sick we have nothing really planned for today . I may go out for lunch . Tomorrow my parents are going to watch our kids , though , so that my husband and I can go out and celebrate . In any event , it seems like each year passes by more quickly than the last . It seems like my kids were infants just yesterday , even though they are now 3 1 / 2 and 1 1 / 2 . It seems like I was in college just a couple of years ago , even though I graduated almost 9 years ago . ( Can that be right ? ) I remember being so sick on my 21st birthday that I spent it in the ER ( that was 10 birthdays ago ) . Where does the time go ? What are your New Years plans ? Parties ? Quiet gatherings ? Time with family ? I wish everyone a terrific New Year ! Be safe . So as you know our son has been really sick ( thanks for all the kind words , thought , and prayers ) . He seemed to just have a lingering cold for the past couple of weeks but by Christmas Day had gotten much worse . I probably should have taken him to the doctor sooner , but we were out of town and for viral infections there is nothing they can really do anyway . Christmas night our son was having difficulty breathing , uncontrollable coughing , wheezing horribly , so we started to get worried . We 'd been down this road before and he ended up being hospitalized for three days last February with RSV and Bronchiolitis . We debated if we should take him to the ER Christmas night and in retrospect probably should have . Friday morning we took him to the doctor . She listened to him , checked his oxygen levels , and sent us off to the hospital . We spent the day there with him receiving breathing treatments every 30 minutes for four hours . Unlike last time , he responded to the treatment and his oxygen levels slowly increased and we were fortunately released , with yet another Bronchiolitis diagnosis , instead of admitted . They had us continue the breathing treatments at home all weekend every four hours . Unfortunately , our son hates the mask that administers the medicine . He screams and fights and it ends up taking much longer because he holds his breath . By day three he resigned himself to the inevitable and while he no longer fights to the death , he begins to cry the second he sees me pull out the mask and medicine . It 's rather sad . He looks at me and cries , " No , no mama . " There is nothing worse than having a sick kid and feeling so helpless . Truly , I don 't know how parents of terminally ill children find the strength and courage to go on day after day . As sick as my son is he was / is not close to dying and yet still I have worried non - stop about him . I continue to worry about him and what this means for his future health . Monday morning I took both kids back to the doctor for a follow up . Our daughter 's lungs are clear even though she isPosted by A few nights ago I was laying down with my daughter and cuddling and she was whispering , " I love you so much mommy " to which I kept replying , " I love you so much too . " Then I thought she said , " Goodnight my mother " which I thought was kind of funny so I replied by saying , " Goodnight by daughter . " We probably had this exchange six or seven times ( all whispered ) until she finally sits up and says loudly , " No , I 've been saying ' Can I have my water ? ' " Oops . My bad . My husband left town again today on business . When he arrived he called to tell me about his room . Apparently , he is in some luxury hotel and his room is bigger than our first house . He had just stepped out of his personal hot tub and into a comfortable robe . He was then going to lay in bed , watching TV , getting at least a solid 8 hours of sleep . I can 't even begin to tell you how jealous I am . I would kill for a few nights like that . . . . seriously , KILL ! I am home with two sicks kids , one who spent time in the hospital this past week ( more on that later ) , being kept up all night by my son who I have to hold upright all night so that he can breathe , and giving breathing treatments round the clock every four hours for the past three days . Are you jealous yet ? Did I mention I 'm in sweatpants and a shirt I just now realized is inside out ? Sexy . Seriously , one way to endear yourself to me forever would be to offer to watch my kids for a night and let me sleep , completely undisturbed , for 8 solid hours . I will be your friend for life . I swear ! Any takers ? It 's no secret that I love Christmas . There 's always such a let down after it is all over because I know I have to wait a full year until this time of year swings around again . We had a really great couple of days leading up to all of today 's festivities . My brother and his wife arrived from Wisconsin on Tuesday around the same time we arrived back from Phoenix . We were able to spend some time with them Tuesday evening , which was nice because my daughter has been really excited to see them . Christmas Eve we got to just hang out and relax . My husband took our son to run some errands so it gave me and our daughter some time alone , which was greatly appreciated by our daughter . That evening we attended church with my parents , other brother , and grandmother . The kids were perfect , which made things much more enjoyable . Christmas morning the kids woke up and of course wanted to open presents . It 's so funny because when I was a kid I have memories of tearing into presents at record speed . My daughter is very meticulous and opens each present carefully . She then admires it , plays with it , carefully puts it aside before moving on to the next gift . Because of that it took almost an hour to open their presents ( could have easily been done in ten ) . It was great though . We then headed over to my parents , where my sister , her husband , their four kids , grandmother , uncle , both brothers , and sister - in - law arrived . We had a great time watching the kids open and play with more presents . We ate , drank , talked , and laughed . It was a good day . The only down side is that both kids have been pretty sick and our son has taken a pretty bad turn for the worse today . We are praying he makes it through the night and we can get him ( and our daughter ) in to see the doctor in the morning . If not , it looks like we 'll be making a nice Christmas trip to the ER . The timing could not be worse . Anyway , tell me about your holiday ? How was it ? What did you do ? * * My daughter has informed me that Santa would like pink princess sugar cookies and orange juice , no pulp , left out for him . * * Thanks to Sarah and her recommendation to look for jeans at Gap . I found a very comfortable pair that don 't stretch . Yeah ! ! ! * * Looks like both kids will still be sick for Christmas . * * Every year I drop hints to my hubby about what I want for Christmas . He rarely catches on . This year I told him there were only two things I wanted . He has an opportunity to be two for two with Christmas and my birthday ( December 31 ) . Let 's see if he delivers . * * I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday ! Enjoy ! ! ! What is the deal with pants being made with the " stretch " material ? I hate that . Especially with jeans . I don 't want my jeans to stretch . I 'm very particular about textures with clothing and nothing annoys me more than pants advertised as " stretch . " Seriously , who wants their jeans to stretch ? I spent five hours at the mall today trying on every possible jean in every possible store . Almost every single pair was stretch material . When did this become the cats meow ? I finally settled for a pair that I really don 't even like , but at least they fit like they are supposed to . My two favorite pairs of jeans that I have had for years are now three sizes to big , but I 've still been wearing them with a belt . They are to the point that they look ridiculous , which prompted the five hour journey today . So , what are your thoughts ? Are you a fan of this stretch material ? Our son is really into dinosaurs , trains , and most recently airplanes . The dinosaur fascination started when my mom showed him this huge dinosaur in Target a few months ago that you could operate with a remote control . It would stand up on its hind legs and roar its loudest , meanest roar . My son loved it . He began walking around the house putting his hand up like he was on his hind end and roaring at anyone who would listen . A few days ago I busted out some new " winter " pajamas that I had bought him a while ago , that ironically enough have dinosaurs on them . He loves the pajamas . He walks around the house roaring and showing everyone his sleeves and pant legs . This morning when I tried to get him dressed he ran off crying , dug his dirty pj 's out of the hamper and brought them to me in tears , yet still trying to roar through the crying . Since we were staying home I put him back in his pj 's . Later in the evening , after giving him a bath , I went to put him in clean pj 's . He screamed and kept trying to take his pajamas off . He kept going after his dirty dinosaur pajamas . Apparently , I should have just bought many pairs of the same pajamas and he could wear the " same " ones every night . Who knew ? Anyone else 's kid have any odd obsessions ? My husband , the kids , and I spent this past week in Phoenix . To be honest , I 'm not a huge fan in general . It 's hot there , crowded , and people drive like maniacs . I lived there for 7 years and my husband was born and raised there . When we moved I couldn 't have been more thrilled . This past week and for a few days in the coming weeks , my husband has to go to Phoenix for business related to his new job . Since the hotel is being paid for anyway . . . and it 's a very nice one . . . the kids and I went up with him . I 'm all about a free vacation . I 'm so glad we did because we had a terrific time . The weather was nice and cold ( and raining ) and because we used to live there we still have a lot of friends living in the area . It was nice because each of the days we were there I was able to meet up with friends , who now all have children as well , and catch up . Our kids all played wonderfully together , which was so nice . My daughter did inform me though that I needed to find a friend who had a daughter . Everyone we met up with has boys and most of my friends here in town that we see regularly also have only boys . One of the evenings , my husband and I took the kids to an outside shopping area that has a huge Christmas tree decorated with bright lights and each night they drop snow for twenty minutes . It was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast . I also took the kids to my old University and let them into the arena where I played college basketball . I let them shoot baskets and run around the court . My daughter thought it was wonderful and has declared that she too will play basketball there . Aside from all the fun activities , the hotel was excitement enough for our daughter . She loves staying at hotels . She loves the room service and the beds and just the convenience and comfort . Each time we 'd go somewhere she 'd ask " So , can we go back to the hotel now ? " I think she 'd like to live in a hotel if given the choice . My mom is very much the same way and often checks into luxury resorts for mini vacations . Our daughter told us the first nigPosted by We spent this past week in Phoenix ( a great trip that I will write about later ) . We stayed fairly close to the airport and I discovered that apparently my children , my son especially , love airplanes . Each time one would fly overhead he 'd yell and laugh and jump up and down . It was cheap and easy entertainment . Back in Tucson , planes seldom fly over the area in which we live . I think on the days the kids are driving me nuts I might send them to the backyard and tell them to watch for planes . It might kill an hour or four . We are leaving town tomorrow and I will not have computer access until I return on Thursday ( how will I survive ? ) . So , on that note I will leave you with a few " entries " to try to compensate for my absence . - - - - - - - - - - - - I participated in a variety of sports growing up , from basketball to volleyball , to karate , and many sports in between . As I got older I focused more on basketball and both my high school teams and national traveling teams consistently drew large crowds . To someone who grew up around sports , a large crowd became the norm . When we stared our daughter in ballet , knowing they were working toward a December and May recital , we had no idea what to expect . To me dance is a great activity that my daughter loves , but nothing to really go crazy about . . . unless you are the proud parent of a participant . Well , today I learned that apparently people take their dance very seriously . We had to be at an 8 am rehearsal . I took my daughter just thinking it was a simple walk thru , which is pretty much was . Except for that many of the kids arrived with an entourage of family and friends and neighbors and possibly people they recruited in the parking lot . Rehearsal was pretty much standing room only . It 's rehearsal people . Her performance started tonight at 6 pm . We were told to have them backstage at 5 : 30 pm . We arrived at 5 pm thinking we were soooooo early and were trying to figure out ways we could kill time . Well , we walked in and the place was packed . We only got seats because my sister had saved some for us . Unbelievable . These are 3 and 4 year olds performing ( older kids did perform later in the evening ) . I guess that I am just stunned at the amount of people who showed up for a children 's performance . There were hundreds , sitting on the floor , standing to the side , standing back around the sides and behind the free standing stage . Quite honestly , I would have had stage fright performing in front of that many people at that age ( shockingly none of the kids seemed to mind ) . - - - - - - My favorite book of all time is To KiPosted by When my husband and I first met he had one of those terrorist looking goatees . You know the kind I mean . It was big and bushy and hung down way past his chin . It was sexy . Really . It was . Shortly thereafter he grew a beard ( which he did every winter ) , but kept it neatly trimmed . Every spring he 'd shave off the beard and then keep a closely trimmed goatee . I loved it . I think facial hair done appropriately is sexy and I particularly like it on my husband . He looks so much more rugged and manly as opposed to when he is clean - shaven . Then , almost three years ago , he took a job where he was not allowed facial hair except for a mustache . My husband is able to pull off many looks when it comes to facial hair ; he is a facial hair chameleon . . . beards , goatees , sideburns , a variety of patterns in between . However , he cannot pull off a mustache . He looks like an 80 's porn star or a highway patrol man from Super Troopers . Neither is attractive . So , he has spent the past three years clean shaven and while I have gotten used to it , I have long missed the days of my sexy , rugged man . Well , those days are back . " The goat " ( as my husband calls his goatee ) is making its return . He has a great new job ( thankfully ) and they have no facial hair restrictions . Imagine my bliss . It 's a bit sad that something like the return of facial hair ( his , not mine . . . haha ) can truly make my week , but it does . So , what 's your preference ? Ladies , do you like your men clean shaven , hairy , somewhere in between ? And men . . . do you prefer to be clean shaven or sport some type of facial hair ? When my husband and I take our children out to eat we are always very careful to pick restaurants that are kid friendly , a little noisy , and get the food out fairly quickly . We 're both always really cognizant of other diners and make sure our children behave appropriately , which 99 . 9 percent of the time they do . On the rare occassions they do act up ( they = our son ) we take them out immediately . I realize not all parents are this considerate or aware and I realize that many diners have little to no patience for children , period . Tonight after my daughter 's dance class we went out to eat with my sister , brother - in - law , their four children , and another friend and her four children . So , there were 5 adults total and 10 children . We were a large group . We went to a very casual , kid - friendly restaurant and sat in a large table away from other patrons . All of the children were great . They sat in their chairs , weren 't running around the restaurant or being loud , noisy , or generally inappropriate . However , any group of 15 is going to make some noise in just normal conversation . It was shocking to me the disgust and intolerance that one older couple very visibly and repeatedly displayed . Throughout the entire time we were waiting for our food , which was not long and during the entire time we ate , which for the most part was silence since there was food in everyone 's mouth , they just glared at us , shaking their heads , acting mortified that we would dare take our children in public and not keep them locked in the cages they apparently felt we should have kept them in . I have very little tolerance or patience with that type of rudeness and on many occassions I find myself either starting back until they break eye contact or saying something to them . Tonight I did the former on more than one occassion . I don 't know when people got so snooty about having children in kid - friendly environments . It would be one thing if we were taking them to fine dining . It would also be an issue if the children were actually misbehaving . It 's quiPosted by I enjoy the cold . I love being bundled up and under blankets , getting nice and cozy . For that reason we avoid turning the heat on in our house as long as possible . If we didn 't have children my husband and I would probably keep it off a lot longer than we do . However , when I shivered all night long and woke up this morning to see that my house was 57 degrees inside I decided it was time to crank up the heat . I 'm still waiting to defrost . We attended a Christmas party hosted by a local publishing company last night . In Arizona , Mariachi bands are a huge deal and so accordingly the entertainment was a Mariachi band consisting of 1st through 5th graders . My daughter was mezmerized . She sat there listening intently for the entire performance , which lasted quite a long time . There was plenty of food ( catered by a popular Mexican restaurant here in town , of course ) , beer , and margaritas , and prickly pear punch for the kids . Does it get any better ? One of the cool parts was the fact that they opened their warehouse and let people peruse the books and buy them if they felt so inclined . When we walked in my daughter asked me , " Mommy is this Costco ? " The owner heard and said , " Well , it 's like a Costco for books . " We got some great books for the kids and it was a night well spent . Anyone else started attending the obligatory Christmas parties yet , either for business or pleasure ? Our daughter at the Deer Farm petting the goats . Our son trying to climb out the window of the train . Our daughter feeding the deer . The kids riding in Santa 's sleigh . The light display at the train depot . I 'll start by simply saying that we had a great " weekend . " Really , I couldn 't have asked for it to have gone better , which is saying a lot . We left Sunday morning for a four to five hour drive up north . Our daughter is a wonderful traveller . She 's easily entertained and no problem whatsoever . Our son we were not so sure about . Previous car trips have been disastrous because he screamed the majority of the way , which only stressed me out and then I 'm in a bad mood , which only makes him cry harder . So , we were hoping for the best but totally expecting the worst . He was absolutely perfect though the entire 4 1 / 2 hours . We only stopped once for lunch and he didn 't cry a bit . When we got to Williams we checked into our hotel and then did a little bit of " hiking . " The weather was cold , but gorgeous . The high was around 45 degrees , but bundled up was actually rather enjoyable . I was even able to take my daughter into town for just some girl time while my husband and son took a nap . It was nice to walk around and do some shopping and just enjoy the conversation without the interruption of having to split attention between two kids . That evening we went down to the train depot about an hour and a half before our train ride was scheduled to depart so the kids could walk through all the lights and see the displays . My son has a love affair with horses and there were three of them pulling carriages . So he was in hog heaven . At 8 pm we boarded the train and headed off to the " North Pole . " The kids had a blast and were thrilled when Santa boarded and gave all the children a bell . While our son was good he did not sit still the entire time . He would sit , then stand , then climb off his seat and the process just repeated . He has confirmed every concern we have about flying with him . ( My parents are moving to DC in a few weeks and wPosted by A few months ago I bought a Gingerbread House Kit for my daughter and I to put together . I forgot about it until my husband reminded me of it this morning . So , my daughter and I set out to make the ultimate Gingerbread House . What I didn 't factor into the equation was my son . He simply wanted to help , but at 18 months isn 't the most gentle . Also , as my daughter was using the candy to decorate the house and the walk way and the trees my son was grabbing the candy and eating it . To complicate matters I broke the tree , thus requiring me to try to glue it back together in four different pieces and then still praying it would stand upright upon completion ( it did ; the mission was successful ) . We finally had it all done and ready to move when my son came and smacked his huge hand down on the roof splitting it in two . That also was fixed hours later as I glued it back together , let it sit , and then remounted it back on the top of the house . So , it 's put together completely , but it is a rundown looking gingerbread house . Later this evening I was talking with my husband and I used the term " dilapidated " . My daughter asked what it meant . I explained the meaning to her and finished with , " so when something is beat up looking or run down . " She said , " Like our gingerbread house ? " Yes , exactly like that ! On a brighter note I made sugar cookies tonight , had my daughter use cookie cutters to shape them , and then also had her decorate them . They turned out very tasty and very pretty looking as well . So one out of two ain 't bad , my friends . Anyone else started baking ? How goes it for you ? I love Grey 's Anatomy . It is one of my favorite guilty pleasures . However , I am so not diggin ' the whole Izzy has sex with her dead fiance Denny thing or Izzy walks around the hospital in conversation with Denny . What the heck is going on ? Anyone else find this story line a bit odd ? My son was hospitalized last February . We paid the balance of his hospital bills months ago . For the past month we have received a series of phone calls from the hospital asking us to call them . We have , we leave messages , and then the process repeats . Today we get a notice claiming we owe $ 100 still and that we have ten days before they turn it over to collections . When I called today to find out what the deal was , Cesar tells me that he was conducting an audit and noticed that someone else 's $ 100 payment was credited to my account so he took it upon himself to deduct $ 100 from what we have paid . The problem is I have a paper trail of everything I paid and the $ 100 payment was our copay upon discharge . So , he has erroneously taken our money and credited it elsewhere . Big mistake . I understand when mistakes are made and as long as they are corrected in a timely fashion I can move on . No harm , no foul . But when someone makes a mistake and acts like they didn 't I 'm poised to attack . Cesar starts backpedaling when I tell him I have confirmation numbers , etc . of all payments made and that maybe he better redo his little audit before I file a police report for theft , contact the hospital 's governing agency and exhaust all other legal recourses available to me . I told him I wanted printouts of daily activity from my account since February so that I can see when money came in and when money went out . Apparently , he will have to get back to me as he was ill - prepared to do battle with the force that is one pissed off mommy . * I love my ob / gyn . So much so that my husband made fun of me for soooo looking forward to my appointments with him when I was pregnant with my daughter and son . Well , I had to call him today and usually a nurse calls back to answer whatever questions or concerns I have . Today he called back ( which he does occasionally ) twice . Is it wrong that that made my day ? * My freshman year in high school we dissected these small sharks in biology class . I was mortified to discover that mine was pregnant and there were nine little baby sharks inside . I was heartbroken . That day at lunch I remember eating french fries but having the smell of formaldihyde ( spelling ) and shark still on my hands . ( It did not come off for days no matter how hard I scrubbed ) . I couldn 't eat french fries for about a year after that . Today I snuck a few of my daughter 's fries from a restaurant and that smell came back and almost overpowered me . It was like I was heartbroken for that poor shark all over again ( and queasy from the dead shark smell ) . * I am used to not getting much sleep . I think all parents are . However , for the past month or so my husband and I have been operating on about 2 - 3 hours of sleep a night ( another story for another blog post , I am sure ) . I seriously feel like I am ready to collapse . Not to mention that I am grouchy . * When I tuck my daughter in at night she always asks , " Will you lay with me for a couple of minutes ? " I almost always say , " Sure , but just for a couple of minutes . " She then says , " Okay , but I really want you to lay with me for all of the minutes . " Precious . * We go on our train ride Sunday to the " North Pole . " My son and daughter have spent days walking around the house chanting " North Pole , North Pole . " ( For my son it sounds more like " Nor Po " Here is what I needed to do today : 1 . A load of laundry that consisted of clothes I need to pack for our weekend getaway . 2 . Actually pack for both kids and myself ( who are we kidding . . . my husband too ) for said getaway . 3 . Clean car to make room for all that is required to come along . 4 . Go to Target to get kids mittens and son diapers . 5 . Clean the stove6 . Organize my home office7 . Return library booksHere is what got done today : 1 . I went to Target and got my daughter mittens and my son diapers . My son still needs mittens . 2 . I returned 3 of the 6 library books . Forgot the other three at home . Huh ? Not sure how that happened . 3 . I did a load of my husband 's work clothes , none of which are needed for our trip . Apparently , very little of what I needed to do today got done . Tomorrow is jam packed so next to nothing will get done then so apparently it will all be crammed in Friday . It will get done ; it always does . . . . just something to stress about . Our daughter has never had a bad reaction to an immunization in her life . She gets her shots and keeps on trucking . It doesn 't even phase her . So , when our son came along we expected more of the same . Especially , because by comparison he is such a brute next to our daughter . Little did we know . He 's the kid who when he received his MMR shot had such a horrible and frightening reaction that we rushed him to the doctor and she had to report him to the CDC ( Center for Disease Control ) because apparently only 4 / 10ths of 1 percent of the population had ever had that type of reaction . Because of this , we have to make multiple trips to the doctor to get him immunized . With most kids they 'll give 3 or 4 shots at a time , but with him they can only give one or two , wait for the reaction to die down and then return a week later for the rest of the batch . Yesterday he received a Hep A and Hep B shot ( both of which he 's received before ) . He didn 't cry at all ; he just looked at the nurse like , " Hey , what are you doing ? " Last night he was really cranky and just not himself which we attributed as a side effect of the shot . In comparison to previous reactions it was nothing . Then today he kept holding his arm and saying " ow " . So , I went to change his shirt and when I took his shirt off his left arm from his shoulder down past where his elbow bends is horribly swollen , red , and hot to the touch . It is seriously 3x the size of his other arm . I was shocked . I called the doctor who said that a rash or redness is not unusual but what I was describing certainly was . So , for now we are to just watch it and call back tomorrow if it is not improving . He seems to be fine other than minor discomfort which is reassuring but I have to admit that I was pretty stunned when I saw the condition of his arm . Could they have not injected the shot correctly ? Or is it just another one of his weird reactions ? I don 't know . Do your children experience any strange reactions to immunizations ? There is a man who sells newspapers on the street corner that I pass everyday . He 's probably in his 50 's and you can tell that life has not been kind . He " lives " in a water passage tunnel under a bridge not far from where he sets up his newspaper stand every morning . For whatever reason I am drawn to him . Not in some weird , gross , twisted way . But drawn in the sense that I wonder what circumstances in his life have resulted in him not having a home or not having enough money for new clothes or food . I am also drawn to him because the guy busts his butt . He is out there as early as 7 am every single morning and out there as late as 8 or 9 pm . . . . and he is always smiling and friendly . If that were how I had to spend my days I can assure you that I would not be so cheerful about it . I buy a newspaper as frequently as I can for more than it costs and he is always so grateful and appreciative . Part of me wants to start taking him food everyday and I don 't know why I haven 't . It 's weird . I just can 't really explain why my heart breaks for him the way it does but maybe because I see him so frequently that he is not just some random guy on the street selling papers . As many know in our current economic climate , things can change and change quickly . One day you can be living high on the hog and the next you are looking at losing everything . Maybe that happened to him ; maybe it was something for more sinister . Who knows ? All I know is that I am sad for him . It 's times like these where I wish I 'd win the lottery . I think of all I could do with the money . We 'd certainly save the majority of it and put it in trusts for our children so they would be well taken care of . We 'd also be generous with our family and friends . We 'd pay off any debt and we 'd certainly take a family vacation . But I never have envisioned us buying expensive cars or houses or blowing it on things we don 't really need . I would like to think I 'd donate a huge chunk of it to different charities and organizations ( ones where the money actually went to them ) , butPosted by I have been married for over 10 years . In that time we have been richly blessed with three terrific children . They bring us immeasurable joy and raising them has been my most challenging and rewarding job to date . Prior to life as a mom I was a high school English teacher and Varsity basketball coach . Last year , I went back to being the Head Varsity coach of a high school girls ' basketball program . It has been great for me and for our kids , who have turned in to quite the gym rats . In the little spare time that I have I love to read , listen to music , play the guitar , work out , and most importantly spend time with my family . |
This used to be a blog about me and my kids . They are growing up and moving on so I 'm changing the tune . These will be random rants about my every day observations . Oh , and there are two things you shouldn 't talk about in public - Religion and Politics . I will talk about those here . Openly . If you don 't like it , don 't read it . Enjoy ! Pretty sure I 've talked about this before , if not blogged about it , but I will talk about it again and give it it 's own blog . I believe in marriage equality . I actually believe in equality for everyone about anything that is legal . I don 't believe we should segregate anyone out because of raise , color , sexual orientation , ability or whatever . Give everyone a chance to prove themselves . Then I wake up this morning to a Facebook post by a school friend who shall remain nameless . It was a shared link to this story . I will say , I wasn 't surprised on his view of marriage but I was very disgusted at the blog about marriage and how it 's biblical only between a man and woman because of Adam and Eve and all that BS . Yeah . Gross . ( By the way - he got no " attention " from that share . No likes or comments . So there . ) Later on this morning , certain friends were changing their Facebook profile picture to the image above or a big red block . I knew the " why " going on in my head would be answered soon enough . Then I see this article posted by NPR about Justices wary of broad ruling endorsing gay marriage and another one about Outside the Supreme Court , The Arguments Continue and it comes to my attention that today starts a two day discussion in the Supreme Court about two same sex marriage cases . It once again reminds me how messed up our government is and how simple minded much of the world ( sadly my home state of Texas more than anyone ) is about letting people do one simple thing - get married . Yes , I believe in marriage and not just between a boy and a girl . I believe in marriage between two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together . To put up the argument that allowing a gay couple to marry would devalue the marriage between and man and a woman is just idiotic to me . Let me explain why . . . . . I was married once . I sucked at it . I got married too young and I didn 't have good examples in my life on how to make a marriage work . Yes , it 's Work with a capital W . It 's about compromise , loving someone unconditionally , putting them before yourself much of the time and yes , expecting the same in return . I see WAY too many young kids getting married and having babies and yet have absolutely NO freakin ' idea how to get along and compromise . I was one of those kids . I was a baby of 21 marrying a bigger baby of 23 . At least I had lived on my own and knew how to take care of myself . That was about it . Want to read about the mess ? Here . Enjoy . It 's a mess . I will get married again one day . I feel more ready to be married now than I ever have . I have and will encourage my own children to live with someone BEFORE they take the vow of marriage because marriage isn 't something they should think is disposable . It 's not something you can have " undone " even though so many famous people ( and not famous people ) seem to think you can . It 's forever whether you stay together or not . You have made a union , and most of the time a family , with this person . You can 't just act like it never happened . It did . There are probably pictures to prove it . I have my opinions about pretty much everything and I don 't like to share them on Facebook because , well , there are people I 'm friends with that will judge and criticize and whatever and that 's not why I have a Facebook . I 'm there to have fun . My blog here is where I go to rant about political and religious stuff . ( linking to everything like CRAZY today ! ) Therefore , I won 't be changing my profile picture . But let 's be honest , it 's really because I think me and my love are just too freakin cute together to put a big read block with an equal sign in it . My friends who really know me know I 'm all about equality . Those that don 't know me that well can suck it . Or they can read this post . So , here 's what I think , I , along with a gazillion other straight people , have certainly done a grand enough job of screwing up the value of marriage all on our own . It wouldn 't make it worse if we allow gay couples to freely marry . In fact , if anything , I think it would make it more valuable because these couples tend to appreciate marriage way more than straight couples . They tend to stay committed to one another way longer without being married than some married people do . They had to fight for their right to love openly - not just to be married but to be accepted as gay . That fight in and of itself is hard . Coming out . It 's a shame what a struggle it still is . But thankfully we have sites like the It Gets Better organization to help struggling people of all ages to be open and honest about who they love . Let 's stop being so closed minded people . Seriously . Maybe if I keep repeating this to myself if will eventually sink in . . . . one can only hope . If you saw me at work or just out in public you more than likely would think I 'm a positive person much of the time . I try to be . It 's those times when I 'm alone in the car , alone at home or talking to my counselor that all the crap just floods to the top and I get super negative about all sorts of weird and crazy stuff . I don 't like to be outwardly negative because I do care what people think about me and I never intentionally want to hurt anyone 's feelings ( unless you are a certain sibling of my brother ) . I think we all feel this way and screw those people who are all " fake it til you make it " BSers . Seriously , that 's not healthy either . Just let me be who I am . I 'm working on being better but I have a lot of crap that I haven 't dealt with - doing that now thank you very much . Finally found a counselor that I feel like I can relate to . She doesn 't cast judgement . She just listens to me ramble and when I have a moment of enlightenment she affirms it . Counseling was yesterday and you would have never known it ( or maybe that was the problem ) because at the end of the day , man I was a freakin ' mess ! Angry about all kinds of I don 't even know what and didn 't know where this was all coming from ! These are the moments I am SOOOO thankful I only have one more child at home and that I 'm still living alone - not with my significant other . If there were too many people around , I wouldn 't be able to avoid and ignore until the volcano going off inside me simmers back down . Man , I would have completely ruined the good things I have going last night if a certain someone was in my house . I don 't even want to think about that but really , truly hope that this whatever it is boiling up will soon simmer to a slow roll and cool off permanently . Here are the facts : I didn 't have great parents . They did what they could to provide , but emotionally they both really sucked at it all and honestly still do . I can 't depend on either of them because there is still that little girl inside me that feels judged . I learned at a very early age not to try to open up about what I was really feeling . The results always ended in some sort of judgement . Same in my marriage . I kept a lot of stuff in . Now it just all comes out before I can stop it sometimes . It 's dangerous . However , I am WAY beyond thankful that this man I 'm head over heels in love with is amazingly patient and kind and loving and nonjudgmental and helping me to be a better person and he doesn 't even know it . He 's leading by example . I just want to get over all the junk going on inside me before he and I have a life together - like where I can 't just not answer his call because I 'm scared what might come out of my mouth or where we can just talk in text so I can review what I say before I send it . Staying positive isn 't always a daily struggle . Going to counseling has brought up some things I wasn 't expecting but I know it 's for the better and I have to work through it to be better . It 's the in between time that can suck the life of ya . I have so , so much to be thankful for . There are people all around me going through so much worse , I realize that . But this is me and my life . I 'm not saying things are horrible . I 'm saying I 'm having a hard time . That 's it . Nothing more than just that - I 'm struggling . Writing this blog ( and going to counseling ) is helping to get it all out and get on with life . The emotional struggles I 've been facing lately have , at times , debilitated me to the point that I thought I wasn 't going to ever feel peace again . The thing is , I honestly can 't even say why . I can 't put a finger on what exactly is causing me to feel sad . I hesitate to use the word depressed because it just sounds so ominous and this isn 't ominous , it 's just . . . . . sad . Maybe even lonely . Yeah , lonely makes more sense . For the majority of my life I 've had people around me - family growing up , always a boyfriend , in a relationship at 17 that became a marriage of over 14 years and then raising four kids all with very little alone time . Three of my kids are now adults , working full time , going to college , hardly ever around - all of this I am SO very proud of . That is the result you should want as a parent . You WANT your babies to grow up to be productive adults and have a life outside of you . The thing is , you don 't ever really realize that there will come a day when you have more and more quiet nights alone with your dog sitting next to you on the couch than you have with so many activities going on that you crave a day of nothing . I will admit that , once my first child was born , I was all about them . My entire day was consumed with taking care of them , making sure they had everything they needed , and neglecting my marriage in the process . Truth be told , after a while , they were more fun to be around than he was . After my divorce , I would only go out with friends or on a date when the kids were off on visitation with their dad . Otherwise , I was home with them . They were my number one priority . I don 't know if that was a detriment to me not finding someone special because I absolutely now have the man that I feel certain I was meant to be with . I believe the last nine plus years of my life have happened the way they were supposed to . No regrets . Now I find myself in a long distance relationship that will continue this way for at least another 14 months , two kids off at college , one son who lives in my house but is now a roommate and one son who is 14 and still going to visitation with his dad twice a month . I have a mother that I need to visit at least once a week and a father who is well but not in the best of health . Things are busy in my life but they seem to be things that require more emotional investment than I really have right now . I 've been going to counseling to deal with some issues that I can 't really talk about on here . I see my future as having to learn a whole new way to live . I don 't see me living here in the same town I 've always lived in , the same area I grew up in , the place where my kids can come home at any time and know I 'll be around . They have separated themselves from me but I 'm still working on separating myself from them . So I struggle with letting go of my kids , knowing that one day I will probably not be living here and not sure how often they would come see me in my new home and having ailing parents who might need me around just about the time I 'm ready to start my new life . To think about doing what is best for me is not easy for me at all . It feels selfish but I know people do it all the time . People retire after their kids are gone , sell the family home - the house the kids grew up in - and move off to the country or another state or whatever . That 's what I 'm going to do . I 'm fortunate to have enough time to process all of this , right ? For now , I will wake up and be grateful . And repeat this over and over and over . Posted by This morning at 1 : 45 a . m . I was picking up my oldest son who is 22 , his girlfriend and her friend , 21 , from a St . Patrick 's Day bash just a few miles from my home . Yes , I had to work today and yes , I was more than happy to be awake and driving four hours and 15 minutes before my alarm would be going off to tell me to get my butt out of bed and get to work . Why , you ask ? Well , let me tell you . . . . . My oldest son is more or less my roommate now . He just turned 22 , works two jobs and pays a little rent along with a couple of bills and whatever else he wants to do with his money . He 's had a few rough patches but I love him , I 'm his mom , I will always be his mom , and I will always be here for him - without question . The only thing is we don 't really see each other much and there really hasn 't been too much conversation with us in a while . When it happens ( and it 's been this way with him since he was a teenager ) I will literally stop everything and listen to what he has to say to me . That 's why , on Saturday as I 'm watching something ( don 't even remember what because it was probably on my DVR to watch and some things I can 't just friggin ' erase but I will sit there and play it and not really pay attention . . . ) and he walks in the room with a Qtip in each ear because he just showered and needs to get the water out and asks me , " Mom are you doing anything tomorrow night ? " to which I have to think , but not for too long , that no , I 'm not and I will be home all night . " Do you work Monday ? " he asks . " Yes but why ? What do you need ? " He goes into the explanation that he and his girlfriend and her / their best friend are making plans to go to the big St . Patty 's Day celebration going on at a local bar / restaurant near our house . They have it all planned out how NOT to be drinking and driving and he asks if I would be ok with coming to pick them up when it 's over at 2 : 00 a . m . WITHOUT HESITATION - I pick up my phone right then to set an alarm for Monday morning at 1 : 45 a . m . I can 't tell you how proud and excited I was that he would ask me . One , it shows me he still loves me and needs me and two , I know I won 't be getting a " bail me out " phone call . Oh , and three , he 's being MAJORLY responsible and I love that ! I love to sleep but I know I will sleep MUCH better knowing these three adult kids will make it home safely and in one piece . This is something I never would have asked of my parents - EVER - and something I am more than happy to do for my kids - or anyone else for that matter . My phone goes off at 1 : 35 a . m . with a text from him saying they are ready to be picked up . I am out the door in a matter of minutes , get to the pick up spot so I don 't have to go through the massive parking lot of people and in they come . Now , I know his girlfriend but we 've never actually had a conversation other than " Hi " and " Bye " as they come and go from the house . I meet the other friend who is very nice as I expected . They were a little tipsy , certainly too much to drive and VERY chatty at this weeeee hour of the morning . But I welcome all this because I do enjoy my kids and their friends . His girlfriend , who really has said no more than two words to me ( which is fine . She 's probably shy . ) asks me a very interesting and fun to answer question , " So what is the most crazy night you 've ever had ? " Hmmmm , good question because there 've been quite a few . But I gladly come up with my favorite story about NYE my junior year in high school . It 's always good for a few laughs and shows that I 'm a cool mom , not perfect and am not a prude . I 've had my wild streak and am an over sharer . Transparent is what some over called me and I 'm ok with that . Some people wouldn 't have agreed with my decision to get up and pick them up , especially since I had to work today . I don 't understand that at all . I would much rather plan ahead to be the PASS ( person appointed to stay sober ) than to get a phone call about an accident or arrest . My opinion on parenting once your kids are in high school and into college and beyond it this : you can still be their parent and occasionally their friend as long as there is a mutual respect for each other . I want my kids to ALWAYS know that I am here for them . Even when they make stupid mistakes . I won 't say " I told you so " or shove it back in their face when they need my help ( except for this last week when my middle son groaned when I asked him to take out the trash and I had to remind him that I gave him $ 100 because his car got towed and it was hurting his bank account to have to get it out of the pound . I was justified ! ! ) Parents of young children don 't ever want to think their child is going to grow up and do the same things we 've done i . e . drinking , getting drunk , have sex , smoking - but they do and you should love them in spite of the fact that you don 't want them to do these things . They will love you and appreciate you more later if you love and appreciate them now . Believe me , I never , in my wildest dreams , thought about this part of parenting . It 's for a lifetime , truly . And for as long as I live and can be here for them , I will be . These kids had a great time and when the party was over , it was over and they got home safe and in one piece ( and possibly with a hang over to remember the night ) . But the best part - when we got home , he thanked me again and said , " I love you a lot mom . " Drunk , maybe , but I WILL TAKE THAT ! ! ! Looks like they had a great time to me ! He 's the one being accosted by the green headed guy . And yes , I stole this from his friend 's Facebook . Posted by I watched this over and over when I 'm feeling a little down or really , really down . This lady is the epitome of happiness . My goal is to be so happy and free from worry that I will just break into dance at any given moment - no matter who is watching ! What freedom ! ! Shortly after I started dating this wonderful man , I realized that I had some big crap issues to take care of and that I would need to go to counseling . I 've been to so much counseling in my life that I usually know what the answer is , I really just need a professional to tell me I am on the right path with my train of thoughts . There are just things that you have to work through alone and then there are things that you really need to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to stand by you as you work through the rest . After my last break up , I went to a man thinking I needed a man 's opinion . That guy was old and didn 't remember anything we had talked about the week before so I decided to try a woman this time and hoped she wouldn 't have memory issues . I don 't handle change well and I overthink pretty much every little thing . I used to overthink the life of my children and if I was being a good enough parent . Now that three of them are adults , I have stopped because I can truly see that I am a good parent and they are able to confirm that . I 'm not the best parent and I 'm certainly not perfect , but I did a pretty damn good job thank you very much ! I also tend to be an oversharer - which can be good and bad at the same time . My problem at the moment is that I don 't really filter what comes out of my mouth much of the time . Lately , I 've said things I wish I could take back because they make me look like an insecure bitch ( which I won 't deny that I am ) but that 's not who I want to be and certainly not who I want people to think I am . I also don 't want to hide who I truly am . I don 't like who I truly am some times and that 's what I need to change . My heart is hard towards those people who have hurt me deeply . I forgive and forgive and forgive until it hurts and then I will cut you off like you never existed . For some people it 's just the way I have to be , i . e . my parents first child . If a toxic person is in your life and they continue to be toxic , it 's ok to cut them out of your life . Chances of them changing are very slim so let them go . If they truly change and want back in , then you make the decision to let them in or not . You need to do what 's best for YOU . Look out for yourself because no one else will or can do it better . I don 't want to have a hard heart anymore and I 'm working towards softening it to my own benefit and to the benefit of those around me that I love . This is my self - talk . This is what I tell myself every morning . I 'm hoping that eventually it will all sink into my heart . I worry that I will become a toxic person and someone I love will want to cut me out of their life . I do have a tendency to set myself up to be hurt . My counselor says it 's because it 's what I 'm used to and I agree . I 'm not used to being loved unconditionally and I don 't know how to handle this love . I 'm trying . I 'm working on it . She said that I need to work through insecure feelings and keep my insecure thoughts to myself . Not every time , but when it 's something I 'm freaking out about that hasn 't even happened yet and honestly probably won 't , I need to recognize what is going on - is it justified or just full on freaking out over something that is out of my control ? I can 't always tell the difference . I like a plan . I like to know what my future holds . I don 't really like change . My life has been changing a lot lately and I 'm getting overwhelmed . My department at work just underwent a big restructure and now I 'm reporting to someone new and I still don 't really know what my job is . I need to move at the end of the year and don 't know where I 'm going . This is a big one because my relationship plan was to incorporate another person in my home during the summer of 2014 and now I 'm not sure that will happen or when it will happen and now isn 't the time to talk about it . There is a possible job change in the future ( not for me ) that might throw a kink in " the plan " . I 'm deciding today that I will continue on with my life as though I am single and only need to think about my future and the future of my son who still lives at home . That 's the only thing I have control over and the rest will fall in to place . I 've prayed about it on a constant basis every day , all day long . I am just going to trust that God has a great plan and I will be fine . It 's been working so far so I need to trust that it will contine to work . Right ? And then I read things like this below . I have overcome a lot . I will be fine . WE will be fine . Posted by Hi . My name is Kathy and I have OCD . I have an obsession with keeping things and then throwing massive amounts of things away - really giving them to the Good Will , but getting them out of my house . I believe this is due to the amount of things my parents kept during my childhood . It always bothered me that they had so much stuff that they had to build shelves out in our two car garage and fill said shelves with boxes upon boxes of things . My mother once told me that she knew there were boxes in her garage from 1967 ( the year I was born ) and that she had no idea what was in them . During my upbringing , my mom didn 't intentionally keep anything of mine , i . e . baby clothes , toys , until I was able to realize that I should do that myself . I do still have a baby doll I got for Christmas one year that has velvet soft skin ( a bit worn away now ) and my Donna the Bear that I 've written about before . I have several other things that I have been able to part with recently and will continue to get past the memory and be able to give away soon . I 'm going to move at the end of the year , so this really isn 't an option . I don 't want to take all this stuff with me . I just don 't know what to do with a lot of it . I refuse to have a storage locker or use an attic . If I can 't keep it in the house in the closets , I don 't need it . I would LOVE to live in an RV or something where you really have to minimize your crap . When I divorced the ex , my daughter told me in no uncertain terms NOT to throw anything away that had to do with my marriage . I managed to keep all pictures , trinkets , etc . until November of last year . I decided it was time to give her all this stuff or throw it out . It had been nine years and it was just taking up space in my closet . When she came to get it , I told her , " I don 't care what you do with any of this , just don 't throw pictures away . And , I 'd like you to keep my wedding shoes and wear them at your wedding . " I bought them in Paris in 1985 with the intention of them being my wedding shoes . I borrowed my dress so that 's all I have - that and my veil . ( I did ask the boys and they didn 't want anything . ) Now I 'm looking at moving again and don 't want to move things I know I don 't need or want . A lot of what I have has been saved for my kids . I 'm so glad that they are now at the age where I can say , " Do you want this or that ? " and be happy that they have the option I didn 't have . I also have things from my Maye Maye that I 've slowly been able to part with and there is stuff under my bed that belongs to my brother . He 's supposed to be here this Fall and is going to go through , take and trash it all . It 's a must because I don 't want to move that either . Nine years ago , I went from a 2 , 600 square foot house to a 1 , 600 square foot duplex to now a 1 , 000ish square foot apartment . I don 't know if I 'm going to move to a bigger or smaller place but I certainly don 't want to fill it up wherever I end up . So now it 's Spring ( almost ) and I 'm getting the bug to clean out everything . BUT - I 'm obsessed with Pinterest . It is VERY addictive if you have OCD or really any obsession of anything . I don 't think there isn 't anything you can find on that site . Want to follow me ( < At 11 : 26 am on January 8 , 2011 , I received a text message from a " friend " of my daughter telling me that my daughter was in jail . If that doesn 't set you back a few breaths , nothing will . I was sitting at California Nails finishing up my nail appointment . It 's the one thing I do to pamper myself and that day - it was ruined . As I 'm sitting there talking to Tiffany , I gasp when I read the text message . When she asked what it was , I whispered , " My daughter 's in jail . " Those four words are something no mother ever wants to say . Those four words are something no parent ever thinks they will say about their child . As I 'm leaving the salon , Tiffany gives me a hug . I 've never hugged her before . She said , " Good luck with your daughter " and I walked out the door just about to cry . I didn 't know what to say or what to do , but I knew who to call . I called my best friend , Kirsten . Two and a half years ago , she was going through the same thing . She didn 't answer her phone so I text Steve . I just drove over there because I knew I had to tell him and I had to do it now . The information I had was very little . We stood outside his house calling Dallas county to see if we could find her in the system . According to Cory , the friend , it had been about three hours since she was arrested . The fact that I hadn 't heard from anyone was very concerning to me . After maybe 30 minutes , I decided to leave and go home and see what I could do from there . After trying to call Kirsten again , I decided to go to her house instead . All of the cars were in the driveway so I went to the door . Kaleb answered the door and I asked if his mom was home . He said no , that when he 'd woken up she and Ken were gone . As I held back tears , I told him , " Alyssa 's in jail . I need to talk to your mom . Would you please try to call her ? " After calling her phone and Ken 's phone , he called Ken 's work phone and told her to call me . They were at lunch with her parents and sister 's to celebrate her dad 's birthday . I told her what had happened and that I didn 't know where Alyssa was . She told me to come get them from the Hilton Southlake and she would call her nephew , Tim , a police officer with Southlake , to see if he could find anything out . I went by my house to check on Jonathan . He had been home all day and I didn 't want him knowing anything , if I could help it . I told him that Kirsten and I had a friend that was in some trouble and that she and I needed to go see what we could do for them . I left him home while I went to go find his sister . The feeling of helplessness was almost unbearable . When I got to the hotel , Ken and Kirsten walked out , got in the car and said they werFor the 30 minutes or so we spent our time on the phone with Tim , who didn 't find her in Dallas County , thank GOD , calling various police stations around Dallas until I got the call from the University Park police . It was about Alyssa . Officer Tran Sou had her in custody . She was fine but she didn 't want to call me . The officer finally convinced her to call and let me know where she was . She just didn 't want to be the one to tell me what happened . What I was told was that she , Monica and Cory were in the parking lot of the Chevron station at the corner of Preston and Northwest Highway getting high at 9 : 00 am that morning . Alyssa had the pipe in her hand and coped to everything . She was charged with a Class B Possession of a controled substance , which is a County charge , and a Class C Possession of drug paraphanailia , which is a City charge . She wouldn 't be arrained by the judge until that evening and bond would be set , probably at $ 500 . That was just for the Class B . The Class C was $ 264 to the city or there was a possibility that she could sit it out on time served since she was there since 10 : 00 am . I would just have to wait until after she saw the judge to find out any more details . The officer and I spoke for a while , getting more of the story and how she felt about the other two kids that were with her . ( 3 . 5 . 13 ) Obviously , at this point in the story , I was having a hard time repeating the story , which is probably a good thing . I 'm an over sharer . I 'll shorten the story by saying , she got out , she worked two jobs , one of them under her father 's company , had the charges dismissed , debt to her father and me paid off and graduated National Honor Society and International Baccalaureatte on May 26 , 2011 . She was accepted to college and in December of 2012 was accepted to the Interior Design Program . If you know anything about the process to get accepted , you would appreciate how much she had to go through and how strong she had to be to get through this first part of the process . Basically , she is an incredibly strong woman and will tell you that the one night she spent in jail made a major impact on her and her focus on her future . That doesn 't mean she is perfect and innocent , but she has a major focus , has lost some really good friends because she doesn 't " party " like she used to , and is more than ever determined to see her desire to be an interior designer since 7th grade come to fruition . I get asked advise by mother 's with younger teenage girls and I just really cringe because I think I did as good a job as I could with my kids , trying hard not to be a " friend " but also not being a total hardass . I don 't have the answers , obviously . What I do know is that your kids will do what they want when they get past the age of about 10 . I also know that this girl ( in one of my most favorite pictures of the two of us ) is lucky , blessed ( and she REALLY knows that ) and so self - sufficient and supportive and just absolutely rocks my world and makes me so proud . I don 't recommend everyone get arrested just once , but I would say , have faith in your kids . Love them inspite of themselves and know that there is life beyond going through an arrest . This is her studying in my home on my couch and I love it . I love it when she comes to visit . I try hard to never think about what happened two years ago now . The picture at the top is a constant reminder on my arm of the bond we have together . Something that we went through that I hope never to have to go through again . On a side note , her older brother , my son , was arrested in October for DWI . His dad is dealing with that , but I love him as much , if not more than I did when he was born . He 's working through his deal as well and I completely support him in that I am helping him to learn to be finanacially sound while living in my home that he pays rent , car insurance and cell phone . And guess what ? I 'm still alive and happy and well . And so are they . The two kids I have that haven 't been arrested yet ( insert grigarious laugh here ) are different in that I don 't think they will take the risks that their older siblings took . Who knows though . I will still love them with every fiber of my being because GOD knows I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination . So parents , HAVE FAITH , if you are loving your children UNCONDITIONALLY there is hope . That 's my opinion but it seems to have worked for me . |
1 . Take a few minutes to reflect on the previous year . What are you happy with ? There are actually a lot of things I 'm happy about when I look back on 2007 . I 'm happy that I 've become involved with the theatre , for both social and professional reasons . I 'm happy that I 've found something relaxing to do in the evenings after work and after writing . The knitting is more an obsession than a hobby , but regardless of what it is , I 'm really having fun with it and it helps me relax so much ! I 'm extremely happy that I 've done a lot more writing than I have before and that I 've finally gotten to a place where I feel comfortable pitching for jobs . I 'm extremely happy that I was able to finish Under the Magnolia Tree and that I started on the fantasy series . Becoming involved in the fantasy story has been an interesting and fun process , and I am extremely excited to see where the story will go in the long run ! 2 . What are you unhappy with ? I 'm unhappy that I wasn 't able to finish one of my incomplete manuscripts that I planned to finish ( Deadly Council ) but it just goes on the list for this year ! I 'm extremely unhappy that I 've lost a friend . I 'm not even sure how it happened , but we haven 't had any contact for about 8 months now , so I 'm calling it . I tried to contact her many times throughout the year , a few times just to check in on her because I was worried and a couple of times because I really needed a friend to talk to and wanted to talk to her . She never returned the calls and never answered any of the emails . I suppose it takes a long time for these kinds of things to sink in with me , but I 'm giving up now . I can 't spend any more energy on this relationship and I don 't think she even cares whether I do or not , so it 's over . I 'm unhappy with the work situation , but am taking steps to change it . I 'm unhappy that I wasn 't able to get something accepted for publication , but I will carry on until it happens . 3 . What unexpected joys did you discover during the year ? My unexpected joys mostly stem from the theatre . I have met sPosted by I will have some photos of knitting progress and a post about what 's been happening with writing and other activities soon , but this is just a quick check in . My internet service has been down for several days , and the provider is being impossible . I 've come to the conclusion that they don 't want my business , so I am switching today . DSL is great , but I hear that cable is faster and people I know who have cable internet in my area are not disappointed with their service . I am severely disappointed in my service and in the customer service representatives who are supposed to help me but are completely useless . Hopefully , I can fully update this weekend , especially with pictures of my first attempt at knitting cables ! I 've decided cables are fun ! Anyway , I 'll be back when this is resolved . I saw this meme and thought it looked interesting . I 've done one of these before , but the list is different , so I wanted to do this one too ! My code is listed below : Bold and Blue - the ones I 've done and am glad I didLight Blue - the ones I 've done and am not proud ofShaded to Gray - the ones I haven 't done and don 't want to doBold and Red - the ones I haven 't done and want to do1 . Bought everyone in the bar a drink2 . Swam with dolphins3 . Climbed a mountain4 . Taken a Ferrari for a test drive5 . Been inside the Great Pyramid6 . Held a tarantula7 . Taken a candlelit bath with someone8 . Said ' I love you ' and meant it9 . Hugged a tree10 . Bungee jumped11 . Visited Paris12 . Watched a lightning storm at sea13 . Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise14 . Seen the Northern Lights15 . Gone to a huge sports game16 . Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa17 . Grown and eaten your own vegetables18 . Touched an iceberg19 . Slept under the stars20 . Changed a baby 's diaper21 . Taken a trip in a hot air balloon22 . Watched a meteor shower23 . Gotten drunk on champagne24 . Given more than you can afford to charity25 . Looked up at the night sky through a telescope26 . Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment27 . Had a food fight 28 . Bet on a winning horse29 . Asked out a stranger30 . Had a snowball fight31 . Screamed as loudly as you possibly could32 . Held a lamb33 . Seen a total eclipse34 . Ridden a roller coaster35 . Hit a home run36 . Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking37 . Adopted an accent for an entire day38 . Actually felt happy about your life , even for just a moment39 . Had two hard drives for your computer40 . Visited all 50 states41 . Taken care of someone who was drunk42 . Had amazing friends43 . Danced with a stranger in a foreign country44 . Watched wild whales45 . Stolen a sign46 . Backpacked in Europe47 . Taken a road - trip48 . Gone rock climbing ( do the rock climbing walls count ? ) 49 . Midnight walk on the beach50 . Gone sky diving51 . Visited Ireland52 . Been heartbroken longer than you were actPosted by I hope everyone out there is having a great Christmas ! The kids were here last night and they opened their gifts . It 's always chaos , but fun . They seemed to like what I got them , which is always good . We had a big dinner , which was good - as always . So all in all , it was a wonderful Christmas . Oh , and my parents liked the gifts I got them too , which made me happy , and they surprised me with some great things ! My sister gave me a pair of PJs , which I wore last night to sleep in and they were so comfortable . She also gave me a puzzle that says " Let 's put the fun back in dysfunctional , " which makes me wonder if she thinks I 'm dysfunctional ! I was glad to get a puzzle because the one I bought to fulfill my " put together an entire puzzle " entry in my 101 in 1001 list is missing some pieces because the kids decided to throw them around the room . Now I have a new one and I promise I will complete it ! My favorite gift was from my parents - a " boombox " for my iPod . I 've wanted one for awhile , for occasions when I want to listen to something from the iPod but can 't use the headphones , like in the pool or the bathtub . I 've wanted one forever and just haven 't been able to buy one . Thanks , mom and dad ! Anyway , Christmas was good here , and today I 'm just relaxing and enjoying the day off . It 's raining , so I 'm happy snuggling under the covers , watching Gilmore girls and drinking hot chocolate . What a lovely day ! Yes , I 'm starting my first sweater . I picked a relatively easy pattern from the January 2008 issue of Creative Knitting . It 's called the Ever - Cross Sweater . The pattern calls for a novelty yarn that I didn 't like , but I was browsing through my local Hobby Lobby and found this Yarn Bee Mosaic Twist yarn that really caught my eye . Lo and behold , it was on sale for 99 cents a skein , so I bought enough for the sweater and am casting on tonight ! Here 's a picture of the pattern and the yarn . There will be progress photos as I go through the process , so stay tuned ! WorkPlanning for the new fundraiser is kicking into high gear now since the new year is almost upon us . I updated the packets the way we usually do and was getting ready to send them out when my boss said she thought it should have a little more " flavor . " I asked her if I could change everything , including the logo , and she said yes ! So I spent some time yesterday creating a new logo and a new packet . It was actually a lot of fun . I do think the event is going to be better in 2008 than it has ever been in the past . We 're moving to a new venue , we 've changed the name so that we can include restaurants that are not specifically " gourmet " places , and we 're changing the atmosphere from " sit down dinner " to " great big party , " including two cash bars ( one inside and one outside ) and a dance floor . Anyway , work is pretty good right now and I 'm happy about that . LifeI was going to finish my Christmas shopping tonight but it was raining like crazy when I got off work and another cold front started moving in , so I decided I didn 't want to get wet and cold . I 'm meeting my mother for a shopping trip after work tomorrow . It should be a lot of fun . People look at me like I 'm crazy when I say I enjoy spending time with my mother , but I don 't care . We are more like friends now than mother and daughter , and I wouldn 't have it any other way ! WritingThe short story is still not working out . I haven 't written a short story in forever , so I think it 's a matter of getting used to the format again . I 've been doing some more research on publishers and agents for various projects , and I 've been checking some freelance job boards . I have yet to pitch anything , but I 'm lurking the boards trying to summon the courage to actually pitch . I obviously have a long way to go before I can do this for a living ! KnittingI 'm working on the felted bag I mentioned before . I don 't really have a pattern for it . I 'm just sort of knitting until it 's the length I want it to be and hoping it will work out okay ! I had some wool left over from my felted box projePosted by The final two washcloths . As I said before , the aunts already have them , but I wanted to post the last two . I 'm particularly proud of the green , white and red one . I think it turned out very nice indeed ! Now I 'm considering a felted bag , but am not sure which pattern I want to use . More on that when I decide ! Holiday stuffI was a bad blogger last week . Tis the season , I guess . I spent most of my week nights finishing up my Christmas shopping . I use the word " finishing " rather loosely because I still have several gifts to buy . I did take care of my sister and her husband and they are always the most difficult , so I feel great about that . We also had several rehearsals for the Christmas musical at church , which took up a lot of time . KnittingI finally finished the washcloth gifts for my aunts . I gave them out on Saturday at our extended family Christmas celebration , and they were quite a hit ! The aunts loved them . I 'll post some pictures a little later . I did take some , but I can 't get to them right now . One aunt even gave me a bunch of yarn she had left over from various projects when she found out I had learned to knit . She had a lot of Christmas yarn left over from a blanket she crocheted , not enough for another blanket , but plenty for new Christmas stockings for each of the kids , for my sister , and my parents ! There may be enough for me to make one for myself as well , but they come first . I have no idea how to make stockings , but I 'm sure I can find a pattern on Ravelry ! WritingI did do some writing during the week but I haven 't checked the wordcount , so I can 't update the meter . I 'll try to do that tonight after the writing session . Now that the gifts are wrapped and the washcloths are finished , I can do some serious work on Draha . WorkI have an interview this afternoon . This one is very important to me . It 's the job I 've wanted since I started school . Actually , this job is the reason I decided to study public relations in the first place . Cross your fingers for me ! KnittingAnother Christmas gift finished ! Only two more to go ! I 'm pretty happy about the way these are turning out , and how quickly I have been able to complete the last two or three . My knitting is getting faster , no doubt about it . I 'm loving the diagonal pattern . It 's so easy and is great practice for increasing and decreasing . I should finish the one I started tonight fairly quickly tomorrow and will cast on the last one as soon as I 'm finished with it . The last one is going to be fun , a combination of colors that I have left in a mitered square - type pattern . WritingTried writing a short story tonight , but didn 't finish . I got to a certain point and then just stopped , mostly because I had no idea where to go from there . I 'm going back to it tomorrow to see what I can do with it . I also did some more work on Draha in Freemind , working on a few key points that I really need to work out before going much further in the story . I really want to avoid writing myself into a corner ! More work on this tomorrow too . The migraine started Friday afternoon and didn 't end until this morning . I 've never had one that long before . It was pretty awful . I took the migraine medicine yesterday and it helped alittle , but didn 't get rid of it completely . So needless to say , no knitting or writing done yesterday . I slept a lot of the time and when I wasn 't sleeping , I was lying in a dark room . Luckily , it 's over today and I can go about business as usual . That means laundry , which is hardly exciting , but something I must do ! I 'm trying a new thing . If you read this blog regularly , let me know what you think about this format I 'm thinking of adopting . To help readers locate subjects they most want to read about , I 'm going to use subtitles in the posts . KnittingFirst of all , I want to talk about how cool Ravelry is ! If you 're not a member and you knit , crochet , spin , or just like to play with yarn , you should absolutely join the waiting list NOW ! Beware , though . . . you will spend a lot of time on Ravelry if you 're not careful . Trust me on that ! I joined in October and I 'm so glad I did . I 've learned so much about knitting and have tried things I never would have tried without the pattern database and the amazing people on the site who are more than willing to answer any questions . In fact , here 's a little taste of a project I 'm designing . . . yes , I said designing ! Other knitting updates include my next two Christmas washcloths . Only three more to go ! I bought some cute little bottles of bath and shower gel . I want to wrap the washcloths around the bottles and tie them with a ribbon . I think it 'll make a cute gift . Work We 're having a Christmas party at work tomorrow . The party is always really nice , so I 'm looking forward to it . I 'm taking a staff photo . . it 's going to be a lot like herding cats trying to get everyone together and smiling at the same time . It 'll be interesting anyway . Things have calmed down somewhat at work lately . I finished the first draft on a new grant today and worked on some things related to a promotion we are having with a local restaurant and our major fundraiser , which is coming up in May . I start work on the new newsletter next week , which is great because I 'm redesigning it . . . again ! In other , work - related news ( sort of ) I came home to a message on my answering machine . I think it 's an interview . I sent my resume to this place last week , so that 's pretty fast . This is a promising prospect , and something I 'd really love to do , so hopefully it 'll work out ! Writing I worked on Draha a bit tonight . I didn 't add anPosted by I 've had a couple of questions about my " I knit with Pushing Daisies " button and wanted to be sure I said one thing . Anyone is welcome to save this button and use it on their blog ! I made the button after being inspired by another Pushing Daisies button on Ravelry , and I 'm thrilled that people might want to use it on their blogs too ! So please , feel free to save this button and use it on your own blogs , and please , let me know if you did so I can visit you ! On that note , if you have a knitblog and you happen to visit here , let me know because I want to visit more knitblogs . Nothing much to say , other than the fact that it 's getting cold . . . finally ! Today it was in the fifties and they say tonight we should go below freezing . I don 't have much hope for some of my flowers , but it 's winter and they are supposed to die at some point during the winter , so I guess it 's okay ! I did bring some of them in . I have several cuttings from a Christmas cactus that my grandmother had on her screened porch ( which she really used more like a greenhouse than a porch ) that mean a lot to me , so they are inside tonight . I got some news today that a neighbor 's house was robbed this past weekend . That freaks me out A LOT . I 'm so used to living in an area where you really don 't have to lock your doors ( even though I actually do keep my doors locked at all time ) and to know that someone actually broke into a house in my quiet little neighborhood really upsets me . I have to wonder where someone 's head is when the break into someone else 's home and steal things . I wouldn 't dream of taking something that belongs to another person , so what makes them think they can ? It 's just horrible . Okay , climbing down off my soapbox now . Sorry about that ! Writing news . . . I wrote some more on Draha today . I still have to finish the story before I go back and add lots and lots of detail to it . Oh , and dialogue . I didn 't really put much of that into the story either , because I knew I would be going back . I wanted to know the story and the characters before I put a lot of dialogue into it . I 've never done it that way before , so we 'll see what happens . Knitting news . . . I 'm almost finished with dishcloth # 3 out of 6 . I 'll be honest , I 'm loving the dishcloths , they are a lot of fun , but I 'll be glad when they are finished so I can get back to Noah 's blanket ! Also , I 'm designing a blanket based on a fairly common stitch pattern I found . I think it 's going to be very cool . I told myself I couldn 't start on it until after I finish the Christmas gifts , though ! Here are some pics of the gifts I 'm making for some of the women in my family . They are all such crafty ladies , so this year I 'm giving them something I made ! I thought starting small would be best , so I 'm doing washcloths and am going to wrap them up with decorative soap . I thought it would be cute and useful . So here are some pics of the first two I 've finished . Two down , four to go ! Posted by Still haven 't heard from the university job . I 'm beginning to wonder if I ever will . I applied for another position today with another company . It 's something I 'd really like to do , so now I 'm hoping either one will work out . They would both be great for me in different ways . The one I applied for today is more local . It would cut my commute down from 1 hour to 5 minutes . Nothing wrong with that , especially considering gas prices ! Well , I got the call yesterday and I didn 't get the part in Misery . The director was very nice about it , saying he was impressed with my audition , but that he wanted more diversity in the cast , so he decided to go in a different direction . I 'm so curious to see who he did choose . Anyway , I 'm doing lights and helping to collect props and painting sets and pretty much everything they ask me to do ; ) in addition to the publicity duties . I just found out I 'm responsible for creating the program and the publicity posters too , which will be fun . I already have a cool idea for the poster , but I 'm going to have a long conversation with the director about his ideas first , just in case he has his own vision . So anyway , I 'll be pretty busy , which is just how I like it ! Yay ! I 'm finished with NaNo this year ! So happy ! But actually , the story isn 't complete , not by any means . It 's really going well , though . I 'm taking a day or so to rest and then getting right back into it . I have some Christmas gifts to make , so I might concentrate on those quite a bit for the next week or so , but I won 't lose the momentum of the writing . I 'm still going to try to write every day . . . just not quite so much every day ! One thing I 've decided to do in 2008 is to determine a comfortable daily pace . I wrote much more this year than I ever have , but I want to really find out what my pace is and what it should be to challenge myself just a little . I want to finish this first Draha book and have it ready to send out before next year 's NaNo . On another note , I 've been a little lax on my 101 in 1001 list . I 'm going to take a look at it tonight and decide what I can start working on from it . Some of the items ( such as the overseas travel ) may have to go to the next list because of finances and time , but I want to do as many items on the list as possible before the deadline . It 's such a great way to experience new things ! Current Wordcount : 41 , 325Haven 't posted in a few days , but that doesn 't mean I haven 't been writing ! I 'm actually writing more than I thought I would right now , and I feel very good about the progress . Notice I didn 't say I feel very good about the writing itself . Yeah , it 's going to need a lot of work . But that 's what a first draft is , right ? It 's a skeleton , a place to start . I do think it 's a good start , though . That 's something anyway . At least it 's not the useless story I started at the beginning of NaNoWriMo . That wasn 't going to go anywhere . At least this work I 'm doing in November is moving me toward something I really want ; the completion of the series that has been living in my brain since I was a child . That 's the goal . It 's bigger than NaNo . It 's bigger than me . I have to stay focused on that . And that 's what I 'm doing . It 's not about NaNo anymore . It 's about creating the world and telling the story . It 's going to take a long time , but I will finish it . My first lace project ! Check out the pretty holes . I 'm so happy about this square , although I did have to frog it a couple of times to get it right . The first block was a " beginner " block and this one was an " intermediate " block . I 'm thinking of going for an " advanced " block next , just to see if I can do it ! I can 't do cables yet , simply because I haven 't bought a cable needle , but that will be the next knitty purchase I make ! Well , and some double pointed needles , probably a set like the bamboo straights and circulars I got from eBay . I love them ! They were tonight , remember ? Actually , I had planned to go to the theatre tonight and be publicity gal , greeting the people who came to audition and encouraging them to work backstage if they were not called for a part , but a friend came in to audition and I read with him . We 've been talking about this play for months . He was in Hamlet and as he had some considerable downtime during the show , he would chat with me in the light booth about how much he loved Stephen King and how excited he was about possibly being in a play based on his work . Anyway , our reading went well . It was a cold reading and the director was very cool , asking us to read the piece one way and then another . He said my transitions were good , so that 's positive . This role would be so challenging for me . I really hope I get it ! I 'm going to the theatre tomorrow night to do the publicity thing , but it 'll be so much nicer now that I have the auditions behind me . Hopefully more people with show tomorrow night . We had a slim group tonight and I 'd like the director to have choices . I want the part , but I want him to pick me because he thinks I would be best , not because I was one of the very few who showed . We 'll see what happens tomorrow ! Current wordcount : 31 , 039Two day wordcount : 4 , 758Time spent writing : 2 hoursTime spent knitting a writer 's block : none , but I 'm planning to do a few rows before going to bedCurrent mood : Awesome ! Got some more writing done . I 'm trying to catch up right now , and it looks like I 'm getting close ! If you are following the NaNo plan , you should have 31 , 673 words on day 19 . I 'm only a little over 600 words shy of that , so I can deal . If I have another 4 , 000 word day tomorrow I 'll be doing great ! I 'm going to try to do that , but who knows if I can pull it off . I left a LOT of notes for myself again today . There 's so much I 'll need to go back and puzzle out later . This is a complex world and even though I did a lot of prep work for it , there are a few details I didn 't think about until I actually started writing . It 's great to get this jump start on the project , though . I can 't wait to see how it comes out in the end . Posted by Current wordcount : 26 , 281Two day wordcount : 10 , 206Time spent writing : I have no ideaTime spent knitting a writer 's block : 1 hourCurrent mood : Pretty good , although I 'm feeling a little OLD today ! It 's my birthday . This would normally be a happy statement , but I feel so old today ! ( I 'm 31 ) I won 't go into the whole " I feel like I haven 't accomplished anything " speech because it 's useless and I don 't want to repeat myself . Anyway , it was a good birthday . I spent the day with the kids , which is always nice . Yesterday and today I worked hard on the story . I think I may add dragons to the mix . Things are always more fun with dragons ! I 'll have to go back and incorporate the dragons into the earlier parts of the story , but I 'm sure it can be done . It 'll be fun . Anyway , that 's it for now . I 'm off to have dinner with the family . Current wordcount : 16 , 07511 / 15 - 16 wordcount : 6 , 264Current mood : Can 't stop me now ! I can 't believe I got this much done in these two days ! Especially yesterday , the day of the Big Event . But when I got home from work I just wanted to leave everything and escape to the world I 'm creating . Some of what I wrote last night and tonight contains some notes to myself for the next draft , or for coming back to fix later . Some of it was almost brainstorming , trying to figure out what things are and what they do . I had a lot of fun figuring out the strengths and weaknesses of the Big Bad and his gang of followers . There was a stroke of inspiration about them and I think it 's going to work very well indeed . In fact , I ran it by Noah ( my 11 year old nephew who is right at the beginning of the target market for the series ) and he said it sounded " very cool . " High praise . He wants to draw them for me , which I think is completely adorable . He drew a cover for the first book I ever finished . It was actually really good and the picture was very close to what I imagined the cover should look like . He 's extremely talented in art and I 'm encouraging it in every way possible . Anyway , the event yesterday went well and the smaller one today also went well . I feel so much better about everything now that these events are over . Next week is going to be a breeze . I have some contracts and applications to finish , and a grant to look at , as well as some preparation for our fundraiser in May , but other than that , nothing really stressful . I 'm glad , because I can use a few stress - free days right about now . I started a new " writer 's block " yesterday in the car on the way to the second event . It 's a simple lace pattern and it 's so much fun to knit ! It really makes me want to tackle a shawl at some point . I marked a few patterns as favorites on Ravelry ( which you should check out if you knit or crochet ) and I really want to start on one sometime soon . I think a shawl would be a nice gift for my mother . Maybe I could have one finished by Mother 's DaPosted by Current wordcount : 9 , 811Today 's wordcount : 2 , 385Time spent writing : 2 hoursTime spent on NaNo Boards : 5 minutesTime spent knitting a writer 's block : noneToday 's soundtrack : Firefly SoundtrackToday 's mood : determinedDidn 't quite get the 2500 for the day , but it was a solid writing session and I feel good about it . I had the kids this evening , so I 'm actually pretty happy I got the number of words I did in between chasing them around the house and then calming them down after Kohl threw a cell phone at Hannah 's head . He hit her in the eye and when I fussed at him about it , he got so upset that he threw up in his bed . Now this may be an overshare , but I have a bad gag reflex . When I see vomit , it makes me feel sick . I had to put him back in the shower ( he had just finished his bath ) to clean him up and then change the sheets on the bed , while also getting some ice for Hannah 's eye . She 's going to have a bruise for a few days . For only being four years old , Kohl exhibits a lot of anger and aggression . I 'm afraid of what this will mean for his future . I 've talked to my sister about it , but she seems to think it 's just a phase . Hopefully that 's what it is , but I 'm watching him just in case it isn 't . Oh , my sister 's surgery went well and she 's back at home . The kids are staying with me for another week or so because she has to stay in bed and very still , and you can 't do that with these kids running around . I 'm so relieved it went well . This illness of hers has been one reason I 've been so stressed lately . If they had come back with a cancer diagnosis again , I 'm not sure how I would have handled it . We 're not as close as I want us to be . I 'm going to put in a little more effort there so that we can become closer . The Big Event is tomorrow , so I will be meeting our Very Important Guest in the morning . I hope everything goes well . I 've planned this thing so carefully , there is not a single detail that I haven 't thought of and taken care of , most of them personally . I will be so glad when it 's over . Technically , my part ofPosted by Current wordcount : 7 , 426Today 's wordcount : 3 , 823Time spent writing : 2 hoursTime spent on NaNo Boards : 10 minutesTime spent knitting a writer 's block : 5 minutes ( finished one ! ) Today 's soundtrack : Serenity SoundtrackToday 's mood : determinedWell , I sat down and worked really hard today , and I 'm feeling better about the novel . I actually got some writing done ! If my spreadsheet is right I just have to write 2500 words per day to hit 50 , 000 by the end of the month . I think I can do it . I 'm not going to give up because I believe in the story and I want to write it . Even if I don 't hit 50 , 000 by the end of November , I 'm going to keep writing . I have a long road ahead of me with this story , and I 'm not giving up until all five books are written . And published . How 's that for commitment ? : ) Oh , and here 's the Writer 's Block , just in case anyone wants to see . It 's a simple horizontal ridge square , perfect for mindless knitting while plotting . The book is 200 Knitted Blocks , and it 's wonderful ! I 'll pick the next block tomorrow , but I don 't anticipate doing a lot of work on it this week . I 'm not spending any time knitting until I finish my 2500 words for the day for the rest of the month ! When November is finished , though , I plan to make dishcloths for all my aunts . They are all very " crafty " people , so I know they would appreciate a handmade dishcloth . I found some pretty Sugar ' n Cream cotton yarn in Christmas colors and a great pattern with a Christmas tree on it . I think those will be fun to knit ! I planned to write all weekend and try to catch up , but I didn 't . I actually spent the entire long weekend in bed with what I can only assume was a pulled muscle or a pinched nerve in my back . I 'm not sure if it was the result of the car accident or the work I did on Friday ( carrying around very large picture frames , crawling under desks to clean , and picking up extremely heavy things , including trash bags full of paper - which can actually get very heavy ) but something really hit me hard . Maybe the combination of the two . Anyway , I could barely sit up , and when I did it was only for a few minutes . I know it sounds like I 'm making excuses , but that 's not what it is . I really wanted to write this weekend . The story was going so well , and I was really in a groove , but I 've never felt this kind of pain in my back before . It was really awful . It 's feeling better now , still a dull ache but not the sharp pain I was feeling Saturday , Sunday , and most of the day today . I did do some writing on Friday , but it wasn 't for NaNo . I had to rewrite the script for my church 's Christmas play to make it a little easier for the actors to memorize . After that , I wrote two press releases for the theatre and made some flyers for the upcoming auditions . This publicity gig is like a second job ! I love it , though ! It 's so much fun and I really feel like I 'm a part of the theatre , even if I 'm not in the cast of whatever the current play happens to be . So anyway , that 's why my big weekend didn 't happen . I feel pretty awful about it , but I can 't do anything about it now . I 'm going to write tonight , though . I 'll write as much as I can . As for NaNo , I 'm not sure I can catch up at this point , but any amount of writing I am able to do will help me get closer to my goal of finishing the first book of the Draha series , so that 's all that matters to me . Current wordcount : 3 , 603Today 's wordcount : 2 , 851Time spent writing : 30 minutesTime spent on NaNo Boards : 10 minutesTime spent knitting a writer 's block : 5 minutesToday 's soundtrack : Lord of the Rings soundtracksToday 's mood : really great ! ! ! The only thing I can say about the story is that it really clicked tonight ! I 'm really feeling it now ! I think the Lord of the Rings soundtracks are helping a lot , and I read an ebook about NaNo by the wonderful Devon and that really helped kick me in the butt too , so I 'm on my way to being on track again . In fact , I actually joined a Veteran 's Weekend challenge and set my own goal of being at or near 25 , 000 words by Monday night . I 'm not sure I can actually reach that , but I 'm going to try my hardest to get there . If I can do that , I 'll be all caught up ! Actually , I 'll be a little ahead ! I 'm loving the story , by the way . All the planning and world building prepared me for the complexity and wonder of the thing , but it didn 't prepare me for the complete immersion I 'm feeling right now . I truly feel like everytime I start to write , I am pulled into the world right along with Cindy and Justin . I 'm really happy with the names , too . I wanted to weave in a lot of symbolic meaning , especially with these two characters , and I think these names are great for that . The whole story is full of symbols and meanings other than what is on the surface , which is really very interesting to me because I love stories that do that , but I 've never actually written one before . These characters and the world have come into my mind almost fully formed , or at least as fully formed ideas that required some research to get things right . I love tying in the elements and working from the map I drew of the islands . I even figured out what I think is a fairly clever reason why there is no magic in my fantasy story . There was once , but for a particular reason , it doesn 't work right now . I wondered how I would get away with this , but a quick google search and I found a good reason ! I think I 've been having troubPosted by First I want to say that I 'm okay . Everyone keeps asking and the answer is the same . Yes , I 'm fine . I promise ! I 'm a little sore , but it wasn 't really that bad , so don 't worry about me ! My beautiful little Gonzo , however , is not okay at all . . . Someone stopped suddenly in front of me and I couldn 't stop quickly enough . There was no real damage to her car at all , but look at what happened to mine ! I 'm so upset about this . I 've never been in an accident that actually caused damage to the vehicle before . So tomorrow I get to deal with the insurance company and the body shop . Hopefully they can make Gonzo look as good as new in a short time , because I really need my car back . So yeah , it wasn 't the best day ever . Hopefully tomorrow will be better . Current wordcount : 752Today 's wordcount : 752Time spent writing : 30 minutesTime spent on NaNo Boards : noneToday 's soundtrack : noneToday 's mood : pretty awful , actuallyDue to the car accident described above and the fact that my head is throbbing and my neck hurts and I feel like someone has an evil plan to destroy my life by taking away everything I love ( first the computer crashed and now the car ) I didn 't get a lot of writing done today . I did start the new story and it is going to be much better . The other one was just not working . I 'm going to commit some serious time to catching up this weekend and I have Monday off so I can really work on it then . Right now , I want to take a Tylenol PM , crawl under my covers and forget this day ever happened . So that 's what I 'm going to do . Fly your peace globe today , November 7 ! I 'm flying mine in honor of Blogblast for Peace and this is my post about how I feel about peace . My globe includes a quote from Elenor Roosevelt that I find particularly inspiring . It applies to peace in the world as well as peace in our own lives . It also applies to any positive change that we may be trying to create in the world or in our lives . It isn 't enough just to talk about something , you have to believe in it . But you can 't just believe in it , you have to work at it . How is that true for peace ? I believe we can apply it in the same way that we apply another famous quote that I love , " Be the change you want to see in the world . " We can 't just talk about peace , we have to believe in it . I personally believe that if you believe strongly enough in something , you will work at it , simply because of your strong belief that it is right . What can we , as individuals , do to create world peace ? We can start in our own lives by doing something kind to someone else . This may not be very profound , but I have discovered that it is pretty difficult to be angry or violent with someone when you have a " warm fuzzy feeling " because someone else just did something kind for you . Even if the person who was kind is not the one you may be angry or upset with . There 's a certain symmetry to the world , where if you pay something forward , it will eventually come back to you . I think this can apply to peace . What is peace ? It is a state of nonviolence , a lack of hostility . It 's hard to be hostile when someone just baked you a batch of chocolate chip cookies ! While that batch of cookies may not change the world , the kind thing your recipient does for someone else and the kind thing they do for someone else may eventually create a ripple effect that can be heard around the world . The smallest whisper can be turned into the mightiest roar with the right amplification . Send a whisper out into the world today . Show someone love and respect , and see what happens when they do the same for someone elsePosted by Things have been a little rough lately . My sister went to the doctor for some problems she has been having and found out she has to have an emergency hysterectomy for a uterine mass . They don 't know if it 's malignant or benign yet , and I have to work the day she has her surgery . I have to work that day because we have some events coming up that are very important to the organization and I 'm planning them . In a way , I 'm glad I can 't be at the hospital because I really hate the waiting and wondering and sitting there completely helpless . On the other hand , if it turns out to be something scary or bad , I really want to be there . I hate being torn like this . To make up for not being at the hospital , I 'm making a package of entertainment for her recovery time . I 'm putting in some books and movies I know she will like and some snacks that won 't require any effort ( no getting up to cook ! ) and I 'll be taking care of her kids while she 's in the hospital . It 's going to be a busy couple of weeks ! I got the call for a third interview for a job I really want . I could learn so much about development at this job and it would allow me to go to grad school without adding to my student loan debt , which would be great ! Actually , I could take any ( evening ) classes I want , which means I can finally sign up for a creative writing class ! I really want to do that . I 'll report back as soon as I know something . Posted by I started writing on November 1 , just like everyone else . I wrote and wrote and wrote . And then I stopped . The story isn 't working . I hate everything about it and I can 't believe I thought I could do it . I started over today with the story I should have been writing all along . Check out the new graphic ! This world is already so richly formed in my mind that it 's flowing so much better . The other story was depressing me and I just couldn 't continue . This one is so much better for escape . I think everything is going to be okay now . It begins at midnight , but I 'm not staying up that late ! I 'm going to get a mass email out to everyone in my region and then go to bed so I can be productive tomorrow . I have to really be on my game to get everything done . Luckily , I shouldn 't have too many interruptions , so I can really focus on the newsletter and a grant application . So good luck , NaNoWriMo participants ! We will be going on this journey together . It should be an interesting one . Okay , some people asked for proof that I actually dressed up as a vampirate for the party at the theatre , so here you go ! The party was a blast . I 'm posting the pictures somewhere else on the web so that the other board members can access them , but I haven 't quite decided where yet . I 'll post the link here when I do . Posted by Here are a couple of pictures of Noah 's blanket so far . I 'm using the Moderne Log Cabin pattern from Mason Dixon Knitting ( a wonderful book ! ) One great thing about this pattern is that it 's totally garter stitch , which is great for mindless knitting in front of the TV , which is usually what I do . I 'm trying to get a lot done on it now before November starts and I spend every waking moment in front of the computer , working on Downward Spiral . Here 's a close up of the stitches : It 's going to be done in shades of green , yellow , and blue . Those are his favorite colors , so I had to use them ! If this works out well , I 'll do one for Hannah and one for Kohl . Well , I have a different idea for Hannah 's , but I 'll have to see if I can figure out how to do it before I commit to it . But at least I have a fallback ! This is so much fun to knit ! I know I haven 't posted in almost a week , but there is a good reason for that . My computer crashed ! It was horrible . I lost everything that was on my computer , including my notes for NaNo . Luckily , all my novels and works in progress are backed up on a portable hard drive and on disk , but I didn 't back up my notes . Stupid , I know . I 'm also happy to report that I didn 't lose any of my photos or music because they were backed up on the portable drive too . I did have to spend hours putting programs back on the computer last night and I reconstructed a lot of the outline that I had finished . The worst thing was losing my internet favorites . All the freelance job boards , the writing forums , the knitting sites ( with free patterns ! ) are gone now . I also spent some time last night trying to save favorites again . It really makes me want to save all my favorites online somewhere in case this happens again . I 'm pretty sure there 's a way to do that . I think Google offers that service . Another thing I did last night was to put my ideas about Draha into FreeMind to get a clear picture of the series . I spent about an hour putting in the different aspects of the story and getting used to the program . I really love this program ! I think I might even use it to organize projects at work if I can figure out exactly how to use it for that purpose . It 's so helpful to be able to see all aspects of a project and how they relate to each other just mapped out on the screen . I 've always been a fan of brainstorming on paper ( or screen ) . It really helps me organize my thoughts . So anyway , that 's why I haven 't posted . I 'll do an update on my week later , but for now , know that I 'm back ! I finally figured out my Halloween costume . I 'm going to be a vampirate ! There 's probably some backstory required here . My theatre is having a Halloween party and the board members are required to dress according to a theme . The theme is vampire or dracula personalities . One of the girls is going to be a glampire , for example . I was at work today and it hit me : vampirate ! I bought a costume today , some material for a pirate headband , vampire teeth with a small makeup kit , and a skull necklace . I have the perfect black boots for a pirate and huge silver earrings . It 's going to be great ! I had an interview yesterday . I think it went well , but I 'm not sure what will come of it . It was with the HR dept , so the department will still have to call me in if they want me , so it 's not over . We 'll see what happens . There 's another opportunity on the horizon , but I haven 't heard any specifics on it . I like the idea of it , but the position isn 't open yet , so I 'll have to wait and see what happens with it . Today was okay . I did a ton of editing at work . Everything that goes out has to go through me , so the entire staff emails letters and other communication materials to me all the time to approve before they send them . Today was a big day for that . I was going to start a grant , but it didn 't happen because of all the editing ! Tomorrow I 'm going to do the grant , finish the articles for the newsletter , and do a little more work on the website . I also have to get invitations out for our ribbon cutting ceremony . All in a day 's work . . . The outlining for Downward Spiral is still going well . I 'm really looking forward to starting it . I 'm already spending way too much time on the NaNo forums , especially in the Singles Lounge . The people there are always so great ! It 's one thing I love about NaNo . You really get to connect with other writers and for one month you are all feeling the same emotions and experiencing the same journey . It 's magical . Today I had a brief reminder of why I used to love my job so much . I went to a retirement community to speak to the residents and pick up food they had collected in a food drive . The residents were so sweet . They collected almost 300 pounds of food , which is really good for a food drive . I love speaking in front of people , especially when the audience is so great . I 've had tough audiences before , and those present their own challenges , but I find that I 'm always able to find a way to connect . It feels great to make that connection . I think in this crazy , hectic world , people don 't connect with other people the way they used to . It 's sad . Anyway , it was nice . Then I got back to work and was pulled back into my current reality . But for a moment , I enjoyed myself . We had a fundraiser meeting tonight , so I got home late . I did manage to add a few points to my outline for NaNo and browse the forums a little . Now I 'm going to do a little knitting and go to bed . Oh , such an exciting life ! I worked on a special project tonight ( for my dad for Christmas ) and it was great , but also frustrating . There is some computer work involved and it was going very slowly . How annoying . Anyway , I spent a few hours on that and then gave up for the night . I 'll go back to it again tomorrow . Luckily , there is plenty of time . My ML package came in the mail today and I love the new stickers ! I wasn 't fond of the NaNo tattoos from last year , so I 'm really glad they didn 't appear again ! I 'm planning to order a t - shirt but just haven 't gotten around to it . I 'll donate again this year too , but that will also have to wait . I did some more outlining tonight and I think I finally decided how I want to approach the story , which is good . I like this story already . I think it 's going to be good . I couldn 't sleep last night so I kept going over and over what will be the opening line . I have several options , but since I can 't write anything down before November 1 , I just have to remember them ! I 'm going to knit for awhile before going to sleep . I 'm working on Noah 's blanket now . I need to research patterns a little more before starting on Kohl 's again . I want to choose a different one for him now that I know what the previous pattern actually looks like ( a little too frilly for a little boy , in my opinion ! ) I had a thought about Hannah 's blanket that would be really cute if I can pull it off . It would be a modification of a pattern in one of my books . I just have to do the math and figure out if I can do it . It was such a nice weekend that I hate to see it end . I remember when I loved Mondays . I loved my job and my coworkers then too . One day , I 'll feel that way again . One day . . . when I find a better job . I spent some time today working on my NaNo plotting . Someone on the NaNo site talked about FreeMind , a mind - mapping program that they said helped them brainstorm their novel . I decided to download it and see what it was all about , and I have to say , it has been very helpful ! The story seems to be taking shape . I 'm feeling that familiar itch in my fingers that means I 'm totally ready to start writing ! Posted by My parents and I took the kids geocaching today . We had a great time , and found two out of the three we attempted . That 's pretty good for us ! I took my new camera and snapped a few good shots . Here 's one : It was such a beautiful day ! The one cache we didn 't find was near the Pitcher Plant Bog , which is a preserved area with the most interesting flowers and plants . Anyway , we thought it was along the main boardwalk , but it turns out the hiding place is a little more hidden . We found the " secret " path and went through the woods but still didn 't find the treasure . The kids were real troopers , using sticks to move vines and small tree branches out of the way so that the trail would be easier to navigate . Noah even cleared the path of spider webs because Hannah doesn 't like spiders . To tell you the truth , I don 't like spiders either ! Anyway , it turns out we stopped just short of the cache and our search was not successful . The GPS was a little wonky because of all the trees , I guess . Hannah started getting a blister on her foot , so we decided to turn back , but we decided to come back another day and find it . It was so much fun just to get outside and walk . The weather was amazing , not too hot but not too cool . We brought water with us and just had a great time walking through the woods and along the nature trails . The blanket I started knitting for Kohl ( the pretty one in shades of blue ) didn 't work out very well . The holes in the pattern didn 't line up and it started looking very odd , so I ripped the entire thing and am going to start over . It was actually too small anyway , so it 's okay . I 'm going to start over , using a larger pattern . I 'm afraid all three blankets will not be finished by Christmas , but that 's okay . I 'm not going to stress about it . That 's my new philosophy . . . I 'm not going to stress about anything anymore . I 've decided I need to change some things in my life . I need to get back to the basics . Things get so hectic , so stressful sometimes , and when that happens , it 's easy to let it sweep you along with it until you 're drowning in a sea of obligations that are doing nothing but stressing you out more and more until you break . I think this is happening to someone I know and it 's painful to watch . I 'm doing what I can , but it 's not really helping because when someone is in that situation , you can 't force them to think about what 's happening , you can only encourage them to take some time for themselves . Luckily , this person did that today so hopefully things will be at least a little better by Monday . Anyway , because I recognized it in this person , I am determined not to let it happen to me . Thus , the " getting back to basics " thought . I 'm going to return to things I love and do them because I love them . I spent some time knitting last night , not on a project , but just knitting little swatches to see how the yarn looked with different stitch patterns and needle sizes . I 've never had so much fun knitting ! It really helped to put down the big projects and just play with the needles and yarn . I also spent some time with my camera , just taking pictures of silly , unimportant things . It 's a new camera and I 'm still getting used to its various settings , so it was good to just take it out and play with it a little . I 'm going to do more of that tomorrow . I have 30 days to test it out and make sure it 's what I want , so I plan to really test it ! Spiritually , I really need to get back to the basics . I 'm determined to spend some time in prayer and meditation every single day , something I 've always done but have neglected in the last few months . Seeking peace and wisdom is never , ever a waste of time . Never . Our world is so hectic , so noisy , and so demanding . It takes a toll on everyone , and I 'm feeling very worn out because of it . When job stress starts to bleed over into life and ruin the precious few moments I have to myself , I knowPosted by So much to do . Not enough time to do it . I love being busy , but I don 't love impossible expectations . Most of the time , I set goals for myself that are too high , so I don 't need someone else thinking they can push me to do even more . I will do it , of course . I will exceed expectations even if it means I don 't sleep . Unfortunately , it looks like that 's where I 'm headed . I 'm going to knit a little tonight . It always relaxes me . I need a little relaxation tonight . Well , I had to call in yesterday because I was sick , and today , although I am at work , I 'm not feeling too much better than I was yesterday . ( that was a truly horrible sentence ! ) I spent most of the day yesterday in bed and I sincerely wish I could have spent today the same way . Sinus infections are not fun at all . I feel totally drained and have had a headache for the last two weeks . On a happier note , my parents gave me an early birthday present . It 's a really nice digital camera ! It 's much better than the one I already had , and I love it ! I tested it out a little on Sunday , but didn 't really get a chance to try all the features . Hopefully when I feel better I can spend a Saturday just taking pictures and playing with all the different settings . On another happy note , I finally figured out the perfect Christmas gift for my dad . I can usually get my mom a great gift and my sister is fairly easy . The kids are a snap , because they are happy with anything that is advertised during their favorite cartoons , but my dad has always been the tough one to figure out . I won 't say what it is , just in case he stumbles upon this site , but I will say that it is perfect ! If you don 't count yesterday ( the day spent in bed ) I 've spent time every day in October working on my outline for Downward Spiral . I think this is going to be a great experience for me . In fact , it might even be helpful in the future , when I start working on Draha . I 've only really written in one genre , so branching out into another one will be helpful , and I can take the lessons learned from that experience into my process for when I start the other genre . I think it will help me to understand voice and tone and why it 's important to be different for different genres . I 've been reading a book about voice recently and I feel like it has helped . Posted by I spent most of the evening outlining Downward Spiral , and then I made another banner for it in photoshop . I think I 'm going to keep the spiral one I already have because it 's appropriate and I think it looks cool , but just for fun , here 's the one I did tonight . Yes , those are my eyes . I thought it would be funny . Anyway , as cool as it turned out , it doesn 't really convey the message I want to convey . Neither does the other one , but I think it 's a little more appropriate . Does anyone our there have any thoughts ? One of my favorite things about NaNo ( besides the speed writing and the amazing community ) is making a banner that represents my book . Unfortunately , with all the things I 've put in my signature line on the NaNo site , I can 't actually use an image this time . I have links to the blogroll and to the thread where you can sign up for the blogroll , and that pretty much takes up all my allotted characters . I wish I could use a few more characters . Oh well . Maybe when it gets closer to NaNo , I can get rid of one of my other links and put in one of these banners . I realized I haven 't posted a photo in awhile , so I wanted to post this one . This is , as the title suggests , one of my favorite places . I love to come here and just enjoy being outside , being around nature and breathing the fresh air . I love watching people here , writing here , and reading a good book here . This is one reason my heart will always be tied to this place . There 's something strange happening outside my window . I live out in the country , so nothing ever happens here . I 'm sitting in my bedroom with the TV on , and until a few minutes ago I was working on my outline for Downward Spiral . It was going really well , I 'm making lots of progress ! But a few minutes ago , a car stopped right in front of my house . They pulled off the road and are now just sort of hanging out in my front yard . Someone just walked out of the shadows toward the car and now someone is getting out of the car . They are standing in the rather dim beams from the car , one figure showing the other something taken from a front pocket . I can 't see what it is . It looks electronic , maybe a cell phone . I can see a faint blue light coming from it , similar to the light from my own phone . Hmm . . . now they are both getting into the car . They 're turning around in the neighbor 's driveway . They are driving away . Interesting . . . I think I might have just witnessed some kid sneaking out of the house and getting picked up . Not really sure what to do about that . The neighbors don 't have any kids , so it 's not theirs . I assume they live further down the street , but I don 't know the people who live in that area . I 'm going to worry about this all night . Well , they are gone now , so I should get back to my outline . Oh , I heard some interesting news today that has some potential . I 'm not sure what will happen , but I 'm hopeful that it will be something good . Okay , I decided not to mull it over for a few days after all . I 'm going for the new idea . I 'm still trying to decide exactly how I 'm going to do it . I 'm thinking a diary - type style , something with dates , so that I can show the year and a half time period that I 'm covering . Well , it 's approximately a year and a half . I called it mainstream fiction on the NaNo site , but I 'm not sure that 's what it is . I 'm not sure what it is , to be honest , and I 'm not sure I 'll know until it 's finished . It 's a story I have to tell , I think . It 's something I have to get out of my head and onto the page . I 'm working on the specifics now , but last night I did a quick outline and it sounds pretty interesting so far . I 'm sure many , many other authors have explored a descent into depression that eventually turns into a severe form of agoraphobia , but I like to think my story will be different in some way . Perhaps I can offer a unique voice or perspective ? I have seen a similar descent in someone who used to be close to me , so I think I can convey it effectively . Of course , this will be purely fictional , so I won 't be using any actual circumstances in the book , but I think basing a character on the struggles I 've seen is not unheard of in the world of fiction . In fact , it happens all the time . This will be challenging and emotional for me , but I think it 's exactly the novel I 'm meant to write at this moment in my life . We 'll see what happens ! And if you want to watch my own descent into madness while I write this novel , the graphic above all my posts is a link leading directly to my posts about NaNoWriMo , so you can follow it daily if you want . Check back often , because in November , I post every single day . ( I actually try to post every day throughout the year , but sometimes that doesn 't happen ! ) I had a thought . Well , not quite a thought yet , more like a feeling . It might become the story I write during NaNo this year . I have to figure out some things first , especially what POV I want to use . I think the story would be more touching in first person , but I 'm not sure I can pull it off . Well , we 'll see , won 't we ? I think I want to do it . I think I 'd like to really challenge myself . And this story would be a big challenge . I think I 'll mull it over for a few days and see what I decide . FridayI was off Friday , so I started driving toward Montgomery to meet Chris at about 10 a . m . I arrived at about 1 : 30 or so , and we took off toward Birmingham . The weather was gorgeous , a perfect driving day , and we had wonderful conversations along the way . He played tour guide as he drove us through some areas that were unfamiliar to me . It was nice to have something interesting to look at while driving . We got to Birmingham at about 4 p . m . and checked into the historic Redmont Hotel . It 's the oldest hotel in the city , and it was really quite nice . The Redmont was a host hotel for the film festival , so it was right in the middle of all the action . We got settled , changed clothes , and met up with James , who shared a dorm with Chris in college . He lives in Birmingham , in the coolest loft I 've ever seen . We had dinner at this little Mexican place that is actually in a converted fast food restaurant . I think it was a McDonalds . The food was great and the margaritas were cheap , so it was a good time ! The opening night film was The Ten . This movie was very funny and strange . We laughed pretty much nonstop , although that might have had more to do with the margaritas than the movie , but I 'm pretty sure the movie had something to do with it . After the movie , we went out with James and some of his friends . It was fun getting to know new people and enjoying the " city life . " When you live in a small town , sometimes you forget how cool it is to live in a city where everything is at your fingertips . We walked back to the hotel and went to sleep on the smallest bed known to man ( but still extremely comfortable ! ) SaturdaySaturday was our big film day . We went to the end of one block of short films and saw a very funny one called The Caress of the Creature . Very funny . After that , we went to a feature called Great World of Sound , which I really enjoyed . It was a look at the record industry and all the scams that are in place to rip people off by promising them their dreams ( for a small percentage of the cost , of course ) Having bAnita Powell Dear Nicholas , Hi there , little guy ! It 's your mommy . I know I haven 't done these for you like I did for your brother before . . . |
We stepped into the shower to wash off the spunk . Joseph washed my hair with the nice shampoo and soaped me off with a washcloth . I took my turn and did the same for him . We had just gotten off with each other and were hungry besides so did not engage in any extracurricular activities . We dried off and put on our same clothes then ran downstairs to see what was for dinner . Joseph smiled at her . " Yes , you know what we like and I will tell you what I would like . I would like for the three of us to eat here in the kitchen . " We all stood and Alice quickly cleared the table . We walked out to the garage , opened the electric door and Joseph slid my bike into the back seat . oth of us easily sat in front with Alice . I thought of sitting three abreast in the front seat of Jack 's old truck and laughed to myself . " I imagine you could have . You 're tougher than you let on to be , " I told him . I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek . " Goodnight Joseph . I love you . " I went in through the back door and decided it was not too late to check on Jack . I ran up the stairs and saw that there was some light coming out from under his door so I knocked . I heard his feet hit the floor and the door swung open . " I think he is OK . He was upset at first but sort of recovered after a little while . I think it helped that he had a friend there with him . " " So what we were wondering was what is going to happen to his mother ? I mean his father will get her out of jail tomorrow but then what ? I guess she is a real alcoholic . What will they do with her ? " " Wow , no wonder they put her in jail . She is in serious trouble . Money and social status will only get you so many free passes . Five DUIs is a felony offense " " Sorry . Rehab is rehabilitation , a treatment facility where they help you recover from addiction - drugs , alcohol , whatever . AA is Alcoholics Anonymous where people meet together to help each other with recovery . Some people volunteer to get help and some are ordered by the court . Maybe there are other ways to get sober but that 's how most people go about it . " " By the way , Tony and Carlos are in the Tulsa Boys Home and already back in school . That 's the best place for them I think , " Jack said . " Actually I spent the morning talking to their brother Pablo . " I nodded , " Kevin told me that he had seen them at school . He said that the kids were glad to see them . The word was that their father was making them do sex stuff . He said most kids felt bad for them and were sympathetic . " Jack nodded and walked me to the door . " Joseph needs a friend right now . Help him through this thing with his mother , OK ? . Goodnight Nicky . " I went downstairs to our apartment and let myself in the door . It was not that late but quiet in the house . I went into our bedroom and found Kevin stretched out on his bed in his briefs and a t - shirt reading a paperback . I wasn 't sure I would know him without a book in his hand . Kevin laid the book upside down on his chest . " Nothing new that I haven 't already told you . What 's new with you . How is Joseph 's mother ? " " Man , that 's messed up , " I told him about her getting arrested and will likely have to go to a treatment center . Plus , I told him what Jack said about rehab places and AA . We agreed that it would be best for all of Joseph 's family in the long run . " Well , excuse me , " he said and went into the bathroom , closed the door and I could hear him peeing and brushing his teeth . In a minute or two he came in , stretched out on his bed and picked up his book again . I was ready for bed myself so said good night and grabbed some clean underwear , went in and did my own peeing and brushing . I decided I wanted another shower . After adjusting the temperature to suit myself I stepped in and let the warm water pour over my head and shoulders , and down over my body . It felt good to run my hands over my face , neck , body , down under my balls and rubbing my crack and asshole , letting the tip of my finger slip inside . My dick began to swell so I pulled back on my foreskin and let the warm water splash on the head . That felt good so I turned up the hot side a little and it felt even better . The shower head was attached to the tub spout with a hose which could be unhooked from the wall and held in the hand . Using this I directed the spray to my dick and balls , then spreading my legs and squatting a bit , to my crack and ass , then standing again to over my head and shoulders and back down to my crotch . It occurred to me that with enough time and hot water I could probably get off this way . Unfortunately I could feel the water begin to cool off and decided to make it fast before I ended up with a cold shower . I grabbed the soap and washed and rinsed quickly then wrapped my hand around my hard dick and began to stroke vigorously . The water was now a little lower than the temperature of my skin , so that every time my foreskin slid back from the head of my dick I felt a splash of cool water followed immediately by a layer of warmer skin . It took only a minute of this and my white spunk was circling the drain . I pulled a clean towel from the shelf and dried off while standing in the tub . It felt good to rub the rough towel briskly over my skin . Ours were not like the fluffy soft towels in Joseph 's bathroom , but in a way I liked these better , just because they were rough . My hair was as bright and unruly as ever but my pubic hair had progressed from an orange fringe to a small but respectable bush . My cock which was covered with an overhang of loose puckered foreskin was a bit longer and thicker , perhaps from the exercise I had just given it . My chest , arms , and shoulders were noticeably thicker , not NFL style massive , but fuller than when I last checked . The abs were flat , firming to a nice little 6 - pack when I tensed them . Looking down at my legs I saw thick thighs and well - defined calves as a result of a lot of bicycle riding . Not bad , I thought , respectable you might say . Jack had told me it was important to like yourself . I realized I could be a little thick headed sometimes , but at least I looked OK . School on Monday was the same as every other day except that we got mid term grade slips to take home to parents for their signatures . I had all A 's and B 's even bring up my English grade from a C to a B . I was golden , not as good as straight A Kevin but good enough to keep me out of trouble . I was held up in 6th hour PE and made it to the flag pole too late to speak to Joseph but rode on over to see what was new with him , if anything . When I pulled into his driveway there was a small blue Mercedes coupe parked in front of the garage . I recognized it as his father 's car and from what Joseph had told me about him I decided that this might not be a good time to visit , so I rode on . I didn 't want to call his house because I couldn 't be sure who would answer so would have to wait until Tuesday to find out anything . I rode back to our apartment and noticed that Jack 's truck was not in the parking lot so I couldn 't bug him . There was nothing else to do but join Kevin on the sofa . We exchanged the usual greeting and I joined him in watching a rerun of Gunsmoke . I showed him my grade slips and he grinned and gave me a thumbs up . I leaned back and wondered how Tony was doing . I knew he was trouble , but he was still my friend . When classes ended I rushed to the flagpole to see Joseph and was pleased to find that he was there waiting for me . " Hey , how are things ? " I asked , prepared for more bad news . " Yes , I think so . As I said , she is just unusually quiet . Which I think means she has been unusually sober for several days . It occurs to me that I may not have seen her completely sober for some time . " " No more than usual . But I take it he has talked with Alice about a few things . I believe that the household routine will be changing a little . " " Nicky , it is Alice who keeps the place going I do believe . But he has been home a bit more lately and is talking with Mother more than usual , " Joseph looked hopeful . " It seems that perhaps they are working together on this . " " Yes , I think that 's a very good thing . Do come over if you can and we can talk some more . The weather is mild today and it might be nice to take a bike ride . " I rode over to his house and found him waiting outside of the garage with his bicycle . He had put on a warmer jacket and was wearing a wool cap . I had never seen him with a hat before . " Yes , these are my riding clothes , " he laughed out loud . He was as cheerful as I had seen him in several days . " It may turn chilly before we get back . Will you be warm enough ? " " You know , I have enjoyed our rides and want to do more when the weather permits , " He told me . " Besides the good company , it is good exercise for me . I am rather sedentary I 'm afraid . " We chattered away as we rode . He talked about the music planned for the recital . There were several things for the quartet , a string quintet actually since it included his piano . He would play something by himself as well . He was happiest when he was into his music , and I was his biggest fan . I shared the good news about my grades and gave him credit for providing me with the time to study while he practiced . We wandered around the old mansions near his neighborhood and ended up at Weber 's which had become our special place . Today however , we decided on hot chocolate rather than a frosted root beer and sat on the bench on the west side , grateful for the late afternoon sun . By the time we were back at his house it was time for me to be getting home so I didn 't go inside . " Good luck with your mom , " I said . " I hope that works out . " " Good , " I replied . " Joseph and I went for a bike ride and he is optimistic about his mom . I think she is going to get some treatment for her problem . " " Ah , that is good . I hope that works out , " he gave me a nod and said . " I have some news , " and got up and went to our bedroom . " I know who he is but haven 't talked to him before , " he explained . " We were in the cafeteria at noon and I spoke to him . I told him I was your brother and that you were worried about him and hoped he was OK . " " Oh sure . He was really pleased and thanked me . He said you were a true friend . I don 't know that he has many decent friends . " " I understand . He really lit up when I told him you were concerned about him . Talking to him I saw he was different than I thought he would be . I guess maybe he is a good guy in a bad situation . " I was feeling relieved about several things . At dinner I talked about riding bikes with Joseph and what he said about getting exercise . I passed on his invitation to the recital and Dad said we would all be there . It had been a good day . Joseph and I fell back into our pattern of hanging out at his house after school until time for me to go home for supper . If the weather was nice we might take a bike ride , then he worked on his music while I did my school work . I know that he made excellent grades but don 't recall ever seeing him do homework . I suppose if you are a genius , stuff sort of seeps in during class . Thursday evening was choir practice and Sunday morning was church . Mrs . Anderson was home now , and a little more visible than before but very quiet . I had not been around her that much but she always seemed to have her nose in the air as if she detected a bad smell that might be coming from my direction . I asked Joseph one time if I had done something to offend her but he told me she was always like that and it wasn 't personal . Since her visit to jail for drunk driving she seemed less pretentious . She even greeted me pleasantly if she was around when I arrived . Of course I still tried to use my best manners when at their house but I would have done that anyway . Her court hearing was still several weeks away so the rest of that story was yet to come . Edison High School got out at 3 : 30 and after I rode over to see Joseph I was generally home by 5 : 30 to clean up and be ready to eat when Dad came back from work at 6 : 00 . On Thursdays I took off again after supper to go to choir practice and was back from that by 9 : 00 or 9 : 30 at the latest . It was a pretty regular routine . On Wednesday it was cold and threatening rain so I told Joseph I was going to pass on my usual visit and go straight home . I snugged my hoody over my ears and headed for the apartment . I quickly stashed my bike in the shed and slipped in the apartment just before 4 : 00 . Kevin was not in his usual spot on the sofa so I opened the door and stepped into our bedroom . To my surprise Kevin was stretched out on his bed with his T - shirt pulled up under his chin and his pants pushed down to his knees . His eyes were tightly closed and he was giving himself a vigorous hand job . It took us both a moment to react to my unexpected entry . He gave a little cry and tugged his pants up as quickly as he could but not before I got a good look at him . Like me , Kevin was uncircumcised but very well endowed for 12 . I suppose I expected him to still have the same little pencil that I remember from the last time I saw him naked at about 8 or 9 years old . Now he was probably as big as me but with a sparse fringe of brown hair across the top of his penis . His balls were hanging loose and full . On his face was an expression of extreme embarrassment . On the other hand it turned me on seeing him naked and pounding his pud . He was a nice looking kid and I had wondered what sort of equipment he had now that he was easing into puberty . He looked better than I had expected . Joining him for sex play was not likely to happen , both because he would not be interested and because I couldn 't imagine doing anything with my brother . We had been sharing a bedroom for as long as I could remember and had long ago staked out the ground rules regarding mutual respect for privacy . I turned that over in my mind while I pretended to watch TV and waited for dinner time . Dad came home about 6 : 00 and Kevin returned to the living room when Mom called him for dinner . We all sat down at the kitchen table and things proceeded as normal , although Kevin was even less talkative than usual . After we ate , Kevin and I cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher then returned to the sofa and talked with Dad while Mom straightened up the kitchen . When it started getting close to bed time I excused myself and went into the bedroom to give Kevin a little space . About 9 : 30 he came in and sat on his bed . I busied myself with brushing my teeth , taking my shower , and the usual bedtime routine . When I came back to the room he took his turn and came in wearing clean underwear and T - shirt . I was in my bed with the covers up over my waist . Neither of us had spoken but now we looked at each other in awkward silence . " We don 't ever knock before entering . It wasn 't your fault , " he said quietly . " I shouldn 't have been doing that . " I shook my head . " You weren 't doing anything wrong . I just came in at a bad time . You weren 't doing anything I haven 't done a million times . " " I guess that 's where that expression came from , " I laughed . " Hey , don 't worry about it . It was bound to happen eventually with us sharing a room . Actually I was kind of impressed . You are as big as I am for whatever its worth . " Kevin thought about that a minute . " I don 't know about that . I know you are a horn dog and like that kind of thing but for me , not so much . To me , jerking off is kind of like taking a dump . Everybody does it but I think I would rather do it by myself . " Kevin laughed . " This is a strange conversation . Tell you what , if the door is closed , how about we knock a couple of times then count to three . That gives enough time to cover up . After we 've gone to bed and the lights are out then kind of turn your back or something . Or go in the bathroom , " He suggested . " I know you do it in the shower . " Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . 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Monthly Archives : August 2013 Highly Aggressive Male who hears Voices So we don 't normally get highly dangerous patients but sometimes we unfortunately do . This guy was SO scary when I first met him . I thought I was going to get beat up for sure ! I will call him Jose , he is a 270 pound 30 year old guy with a shaved head . He paced up and down the halls only to stop and glare at you and then returned to pacing while randomly yelling obscenities . The first time I met him my co - workers told me that he was with us because he hears voices , becomes violent and had been kicked out of his " group home " . I said . . " OK , so why is he not in jail ? " So anyways , the first night I worked with him he slept the entire night and I didn 't even have to talk to him , nothing . The next night was officially one of the worst nights in my almost 2 years of working at this job . For the first 5 hours of the shift Jose was on edge , ready to explode at any second , and he would . Randomly . I hated it because I could never see it coming and since this was my first time meeting him , I didn 't have any rapport with him whatsoever . My co - workers had told me that he responded well to music so I put on hard core rap for him and he would stand behind the glass of the nursing station and nod his head to the music . This would pacify him for about 10 minutes at a time and then he would be going off again , yelling , " F * * * You ! , " and trying to break out of the door . I couldn 't breathe , I felt like I was suffocating . On top of dealing with Jose , I had 9 other patients to take care of , asking me questions , needing things , acting bizarre . I didn 't know how to connect with him and calm him down and I had the pressure of him going off if I didnt . At one point he escaped and I had to call a Dial 9 , this is where your co - workers will come running to wherever you tell them over the hospitals intercom and help . That was one of many that I called that night . So , from 6 : 00pm to 11 : 00pm I failed miserably at keeping him calm for more than 15 minutes at a time . He was so extremely labile , going up and down so quickly . I could tell he was responding to a lot of voices but I was too scared to push him , to say anything that would make him worse . I just didn 't know how to gauge him yet , and I was scared to literally get too close to him . After 5 hours I was SO mentally and emotionally drained that I was in a trance . I felt like I couldn 't move , talk , think , do anything . My co - workers made me switch units for the rest of the night . I was grateful and I prayed that the next time I came to work he would be gone , but of course … he wasn 't . When I walked in for the next shift I was with my male - coworker and the second Jose saw us he started screaming , " F * * * * * * B * * * * ! " and began trying to jump over the glass window . My co - workers told us to leave for awhile . When we came back they told us it was my guy co - worker that had triggered him . Apparently he gets triggered by males and works tons better with females … So they were basically forcing me to work with him again . They assured me that since he had been with us he had not attacked anyone and so I should be safe . I dragged myself onto the unit and I just told myself to not be scared of him and to just treat him like I would treat anyone else , a friend . It worked wonders ! He responded so well to me its not even funny . I worked with him for 2 days straight and he was almost perfect for me . I still had to give him more attention than I did for the other patients but he never yelled , screamed , escaped or punch a wall ! I told him that when he started to hear the voices to come talk to me and tell me and that I would help him . He nodded his head in agreement . When he came to me and told me I did what I always do with the " voices " . I distracted him . I asked him about what sports he likes to play , how many brothers and sisters does he have , ext … It is amazing how quickly this can help someone with voices . It doesn 't keep them away forever but it helps enough for them to call down until we can get them an anti - psychotic which is what really will help . We ended up talking a lot , I got to know a lot of things about him . He once said to me , " I don 't get why people are so scared of me . " When it was time for bed I made his bed for him , and he said to me , " Will you stay and talk to me ? " It was then that I realized that all he had wanted was someone to show him some love , kindness and to treat him as an equal . He had wanted love and attention just like any other human being . He didn 't want to be treated as someone to be afraid of . It 's amazing how alike we are as human beings . At the end of the day we all want the same thing , to be loved . And I think that is something that Jose didn 't get enough of as a child . Drug Induced Psychosis I don 't think I 've shared a story about a patient who came in psychotic because they took drugs yet so here it goes . I will call her Crystal . Crystal had been using Meth and the first time I saw her I was a little creeped out . She walked pass me and stared at me craning her neck back to watch me as she walked in the opposite direction . She was tall with big curly black hair that was disheveled , flying in 50 different directions . She was taken to her room but then they called me shortly after because they were having trouble getting her to sleep . I walked over to the Unit she was taken to and when I got to her door , one of my male co - workers , a man in his late 50 's was standing in front of the door keeping it closed . He told me that she was trying to get out and that I would have to carefully sneak in . He told me how she had jumped onto his back completely naked and had begun humping him . As he tried to get her off of him , she had reached under him and grabbed his private parts . That was when they had called three female staff to come help . I snuck into the room and found her standing in the room naked dancing . My two female co - workers were trying to cover her up with a robe . I immediately jumped in and began helping but every time we got the robe on her she would take it off . She was deliriously happy , with the biggest smile on her face , dancing around , saying the strangest things . The most bizarre thing she did was crane her head to the side and walk towards me with wide eyes as she made a clicking noise with her tongue . This was defiantly one of the weirdest / creepiest things I had ever seen . Eventually my co - worker gave her a paper cup to take her pills with , she threw the water at us and then walked directly at me and put the cup over my hand . I was extremely relieved ! haha I had thought she was going to hit me or something . It took over an hour to get her to take a pill . In the meantime she was dancing , laughing , grabbing my co - workers private parts , at which I began laughing so hard I would have to leave the room , calm myself down and then come back in . At one point the three of us began dancing with her just so that she would be cooperative and take her pills . Eventually she did take them , and fell asleep on her bed . All in all I can say it was a night I will never forget ! Hilarious and eye opening at the same time . I guess I should say , Don 't Do Drugs . Schizophrenia and its confusion Schizophrenia … what a complex mental illness . . One of the aspects that I hate the most is the memory loss that comes along with it . The person has so much going on their head that they can 't focus on any particular thing . This in turn makes it very hard for them to remember things . This event took place the same day that I was taking on Sam ( from my last post ) . This female patient who I will call Sandy is in her early 50 's , she is a petite build with long brown hair and glasses . For the first few hours she was extremely nice , smiling , being extremely polite . I noticed that she kept asking me the same question over and over again though , " When are we going outside for smoke break ? " She must have asked me 6 or 7 times in one hour . At first I became irritated thinking she was simply being impatient until I realized that she just wasn 't aware that she had been asking me . Eventually we went outside and spent a good 20 minutes outside in the courtyard . When we were finished , I led everybody back inside and back onto the Unit . Almost immediately Sandy walked up to me and said , " When are we going out to smoke break ? " I responded , " Um . . We just went to smoke break . " Sandy responded , " No , we didn 't ! " This conversation did not go or end well . She demanded evidence that we had just gone out . She thought I was lying to her and cheating her out of her smoke break . She escalated quickly , yelling and screaming at me , threatening to sue me . ( Like I haven 't heard that one a million times ) She began slamming her hands on the nursing station door as she screamed at the top of her lungs things that didn 't make any sense at all . There was no talking sense into her . I grabbed the sheet of paper where we document where the patient has been all day . I circled the Unit Patio and showed her the time . She still didn 't believe me . I gave up trying to convince her and began to walk away . This made her very angry . She began walking towards cornering me against the wall . I began to get nervous at this point , convinced that she was going to attack me . Instead she randomly yelled , " How would you like it if you had dentures ? ! " She then proceeded to reach into her mouth , take her dentures out of her mouth and throw them at me . Luckily they didn 't hit me and they fell to the ground . I then slipped back into the nurses station to get away from her . She then began to demand to speak to a supervisor . My co - worker who was standing next to me said , " I 'm the Supervisor . " Sandy replied , " You can 't be the Supervisor , You 're wearing Red ! " Sandy eventually calmed down and by the end of the night was smiling at me again being polite . I guess she had just forgotten again . What can you do ? When I arrived at work the other day I was told that among our 10 patients on the Unit we had received a new one that day . I will call him Sam . Sam is a High School math teacher . He is a tall lanky man in his mid 30 's with short brown hair and glasses . They informed me that he did not have any history of mental illness and had never experienced any psychosis before in his life . He was an extremely normal , average person , just like you and me . These cases are always the scariest because if the person doesn 't snap out of it within a few days they could stay like that forever . Our job is to make sure they get a lot of sleep so that their brain can heal . I walked out onto the Unit and Sam immediately walked towards me cornering me into the wall . He was repeating something and it took me a few seconds to realize that he was repeating his own name over and over again . He stared at me with an intensity that scared me for a second . Keep in mind I didn 't know yet if he was the aggressive type yet . So in return I put out my hand and said , " Hi Sam , nice to meet you . Do you want to go watch some T . V ? " He stopped , stared at me and then began saying , " T . V , T . V , T . V … . " He followed me to the dayroom where other patients were sitting around watching T . V and coloring . Throughout the next few hours Sam followed me everywhere I went . He became fixated on me , staring at me and repeating the last word of every sentence I said . He would also randomly fall to the floor bursting into tears for minutes at a time for no reason at all . He would eventually get up and then go back to repeating random words over and over . At one point he was staring at me repeating a word over and over and so I decided to try something . I clapped my hands twice as hard as I could in front of his face . He immediately stopped and jerked his head towards me and looked at me as though he had just woken up from a deep sleep . I did this a few times throughout the night if I needed to get him to do something . When it came time to eat , I sat with him and spoon fed him jello . Even when the jello was in his mouth , I would have to mimic " chewing " so that he would mimic me and be able to eat . After I got some jello and a piece of pizza into him I decided to test something . I began asking him simple questions like , " Is my shirt blue ? " " Are you a boy ? " " Is this pizza ? " Each time he answered by saying either Yes or No and he was incorrect each time . I then decided to make a face by sucking in my cheeks and pursing my lips . He imitated me perfectly ! I continued to do this and he mimicked everything I did perfectly ! I found it so interesting . I went back to the nurses station and told my nurse about it . She told me that he was exhibiting two things . First , Echolalia which is the automatic repetition of vocalizations made by another person . And secondly , Echopraxia , which is the automatic repetition of movements made by another person . I loved learning something new ! The amazing part of this story is that when I came to work the next day Sam had completely come out of the psychotic episode which was AMAZINGLY fast . Normally it takes up to at least a week to ten days to clear . Sam had cleared in 2 - 3 days ! He had completely cleared , but of course could not remember anything that happened . He just wanted to use his labtop so that he could submit his grades for the summer semester . The doctors didn 't know what had sent him into a psychotic break and they may never know . It could have been biological , psychological … I guess there are some things we will never know the answer to but I was so happy to see him back to his normal self , and he was a very nice guy ! Detoxing and Borderline Personality Disorder I know its been quite a while since I posted anything . But today I thought I would share about how work has been for the last couple of weeks . Recently we have been working on opening up a Detox / Rehab Unit and so in the meantime my unit ( Psychotic ) was being given tons and tons of Detoxers . People that are detoxing off everything , Heroin , Alcohol , Prescription pills , Meth mostly . I must admit that I have a very hard time working this population of people . I try my hardest to have compassion for them for them , and it is very hard not to judge them sometimes . Most of them are needy , constantly asking for something , most are manipulative , calling you " Honey and Sweetie " so that they can try to get something out of you later , and most are med seekers , saying they are in pain so that they can receive more meds when they are really actually just fine . They can be mentally and emotionally exhausting . I don 't want to generalize and say that they are all like this but I have found that some are . Another reason I have a very hard time having compassion for them is because they can be very rude and do not have a lot of manners , demanding that they want things immediately , as well as entitled , believing they receive the very best treatment at all times . I find myself rolling my eyes when they are not looking and avoiding eye contact so that they wont start asking me for something . I have also found that some detoxers also have Borderline Personality Disorder as well . This explains their need for my attention and the mindset that they are the victim and will never be able to get out of their current situation . They will talk and talk about how everyone around them is out to get them and ruin their life and that if it wasn 't for all of the bad things that have happened to them then they wouldn 't have such a terrible life . I found that if I smiled and made eye contact they immediately took that as being weak and thought that they were now able to walk all over me . When I first meet them I have to establish that I can 't be pushed around by my facial expressions , the way I speak and body language . If this isn 't done from the first day I meet them they will try to push me around and manipulate me for the rest of their stay . I have come to the point where I will listen , nod my head and give them validation but I no longer attempt to give any type of advice because I realized at some point that most of them have no desire to actually change their lives , they just want to be heard . When I do find a detoxer who talks about sincerely wanting to change I am so excited ! I love to hear about how they really want to change their lives around and I am quick to give them information on rehab facilities that they can go to afterwards . I do wish the best for this population , I do care for their well - being . I just have a hard time helping someone that doesn 't want to be helped . I have really learned that we as human beings cannot be helped until we are ready to receive it . It is up to us . And through this job I have learned so much patience , love and understanding . I have also learned to not judge because It is not my place . I am grateful that I am given that opportunity to learn that each time I go to work . |
Last Saturday was really warm , so June and I decided to go out for our first open air session of the year . Even though it was warm I insisted that she wear her usual outfit of black stockings , high heels ( 4 " court shoes ) suspender belt , and matching lacy black bra and pants . Over that she wore a white blouse , black jacket and skirt . She looked just as though she was going to church - well apart from the heels ! We decided to go to the truck stop by the M62 at Brighouse . There is a place where you can park off the road , and then walk along the riverbank . I should mention that I had chosen to wear shorts and a sports top , as it was easier to remove them ! I had another reason for going there however . I hadn 't told June , but I had made contact with a guy on Swinging Heaven . I had asked for someone to help me with a ' reluctant wife ' . It took a long time to wade through the replies , which all sounded interesting , but in the end I decided on one bloke . I had met him the previous Saturday and he seemed ok . I had asked for someone ' just to watch ' and he said he was happy with that , although I was hoping that things might go a bit further . It was about 1pm and the parking areas on the road were quite busy , with people stopping for the flower stall and the tea bar . We drove off the main road and into the car park ( watch out for the overhang ! ) . There were a couple of cars parked in there but they were empty . We had brought along a bag with a blanket in and something to drink , just like we were having a picnic , and set off out of the car park . June walked in front of me - I like to see a woman in high heels walking in the countryside - it looks so sexy , as though she shouldn 't be there . We turned left by some trees ( the main path goes straight on ) and came out on the riverbank . There are normally one or two fisherman here , but I knew a secluded spot off to the left , not far from the parking area , but well hidden , and we stopped there and put the blanket down . As usual I was feeling as horny as hell by now , and I knelt down in front of her and told her to lift up her skirt . She lifted it up until she was showing her stocking tops and pants and I got my cock out and started to slowly wank it as I watched her . I then lent forward and pulled her pants to one side and pushed two fingers into her cunt , and then standing up , I pushed my stiff cock into her , just for a few seconds and pulled it out again . " Bastard , " she swore . I laughed and walked away , back through the trees to the riverbank . I still had my cock out and I was wanking as I walked round . I looked back to the trees just to check that no one could see us from the pathway . I didn 't want anyone other than Frank to stumble upon us . When I got back to our little clearing , June had sat down on the blanket and she looked superb with her skirt up and her stockings and suspenders on show . As I stood there watching , pulling at my stiffening cock , she opened the bag we had brought and pulled out a vibrator and one of our many porn mags . She then laid back and with the mag open in her left hand she started to push the pink vibrator between her cunt lips . I watched for a couple of minutes , glancing round , and thinking how exciting it would be if some voyeur was also watching . I couldn 't wait any longer and told her to turn over and get on her knees . She duly obliged and I lifted her skirt up onto her back . I pulled out the vibrator and replaced it with my cock , whilst I picked up the porn mag and opened it and rested it on June 's back . I then started to fuck her really slowly , while I was turning the pages of the mag , pushing in nice and gentle right up to my balls and then slowly pulling my cock right out . June was squirming about and calling out loudly , when suddenly I heard a car pulling in to the car park , at the other side of the bushes where we were . I looked at my watch . I had told Frank ( not his real name ) to be here at one o clock . I had told him to pretend that he didn 't know me . He was just a passer by , out walking by the river . It was five minutes to one , so I hoped that it was him . I was quite nervous as I wasn 't sure how June would react , but the thought of him standing next to us watching us fuck nearly made me come there and then . " June , there 's a car turned up , " I told her . I had put the porn mag down and was pushing into her a little faster as I said this . " You don 't mind do you ? " I whispered to her . I was near to coming , and had to stop . I pulled out of her gently and looked down at her cunt , which was winking at me . I love to see that , the cunt walls opening and contracting . She swore at me again , and turned over to sit on the blanket . " I don 't mind if it gives you an extra inch darling , you know that . And we both like to see another stiff cock don 't we ? " As she said this she slipped the vibrator back into her cunt and switched it on . She then leaned forward and started to wank me slowly , and then pulled me towards her and , opening her mouth , sucked and licked at the end of my cock . " This would be a nice sight for anyone watching , wouldn 't it ? Me sucking your cock , with my vibrator buzzing away ? What would you do then Jimmy , would you want him to watch , or to come and join us ? " She pushed the vibrator deeper as she said this , and her head fell backwards letting my cock slip out . I could tell she was close to coming and I wanted to keep it going till we saw Frank . June slowly pulled the vibrator from her fanny , pretending to be disappointed , but I knew she was in the mood for anything . She put on her jacket , and picked up her handbag . I said it would be ok to leave the blanket and stuff , as we weren 't going far . We pushed through the overhanging trees and stepped onto the pathway and stood gazing out at the river . I looked up the path , and saw my Swinging Heaven friend walking down towards us . I whispered to June that there was someone approaching and she quickly looked to her right . " Mm , he looks nice . Come on let 's get him interested . " June turned her face towards mine and started to kiss me . I responded , pulling her to me with my left hand whilst my right hand reached up to feel her breast under her jacket . As Frank walked past us I caught his eye briefly . I looked towards Frank , who had moved a few steps nearer , and then kissed June again . This time my hands went down to her bottom and I pulled her close to me , so she could feel my erection pressing against her . As I was kissing her I slowly lifted the hem of her skirt , so that Frank could see her stockings . " He 's walking back this way now . Let 's look at the view again . " We parted from our embrace and turned once more to face the river . " Nice day for a walk , " he said , staring across at June . Frank was dressed for the weather , like me , with a t - shirt and shorts . " But it 's going to be hot later , you could do with getting in the shade . You don 't look as though you 're dressed for walking though . " " Yes , " June replied . " I am a little overdressed for the sun . I 'll take off my jacket to start with . " She slowly removed her jacket and passed it to me . She looked stunning in the thin white blouse , her black lace bra clearly visible underneath , and her breasts straining against the fabric . I glanced at Frank and saw his right hand was in his pocket clearly stroking his cock . " That 's better , " June said as she made a show of straightening her skirt . As she flattened down the material at the front , the clasp of her suspender belt was clearly outlined . " I always wear stockings in the summer , anyway , they 're so much more comfortable . And my husband prefers them , don 't you darling ? " " And the shoes ? You won 't be able to walk far in those heels will you ? " June laughed . " No they 're not for walking , but they 're fine for lying down in . We 're having a picnic , in a little secluded spot further down . Come on , Jimmy , lets leave this young man to his walk , and we can have our picnic . " Frank took the cue and said goodbye , walking off upstream . June and I turned and walked back to our picnic spot . I looked at June whose face was flushed . " You sexy cow . All that business with the stockings and the heels . I wanted to do you there and then . Quick , kiss me again , while he 's in sight . " I turned to face back up the river as I pulled June towards me . Sure enough Frank was watching , but he must have been fifty yards away . I hoped that he had brought his binoculars with him , as again I felt for June 's skirt and lifted it up to display her underwear . We kissed greedily , as June reached down to massage my stiff cock . " Come on Jimmy , fuck me now . " June stood up and led me through to our picnic spot and we sat down on the blanket . The sun was shining down , and June lay back , her hands dropping again to play with her fanny . I turned to one side to watch her , as her middle finger parted her lips and pushed in and out past the thin line of her lace pants . " He was quite sweet , wasn 't he ? Did you see him touching himself ? " June had two fingers in now , her pants pushed to one side , frigging herself steadily . " Would you like to see his cock ? Would you like to feel it , hot and sticky with his cum ? You can see it if you want . He 's here now , watching you . " Frank looked down in fascination as I used both hands to grasp the edges of June 's knickers and roll them slowly up , past her suspender belt and stockings towards her shoes . They stuck for just a few seconds where the gusset was buried deep in her cunt . I pulled them carefully over the spiky heels of her shoes and they fell onto the blanket . " Now , both of you , I want you just to watch me . Frank , do you want to watch me finger myself ? " As she said this , she lowered her legs , and I knelt down next to Frank , with June 's cunt open in front of us . I did , but I didn 't tell her that I 'd seen him wanking before , and seen him cum . I was watching intently as Frank pulled at his impressive cock , it must have been a good eight inches long . I wondered just how far June would let things go . Frank then moved back so that he could watch more closely . I like to fuck her really slowly , to feel , and watch , the length sliding in and out . " Come and have a close - up look Frank , " I told him , and drew slowly out so that her cunt was wide open . " Look how big her cunt lips are . " I pulled gently at her flaps opening up her hole to show Frank , who was close enough to lick her . I then lifted her legs right up so that they were over her shoulders and we could both see her cunt and arse . I looked down at both of our cocks and wondered what it would be like to see Frank push his big prick into my wife 's waiting cunt . June was getting frustrated now and I knew she was ready for some serious fucking . " Shall we play a little game , June ? Shall we do ' let 's pretend ' , or perhaps ' in the dark ' ? " I moved away from her and motioned Frank to kneel behind her . He was wanking hard on his cock , and was only inches away from my sexy wife 's pulsating cunt . I pulled her head back to look at me . " Oh my God . It 's enormous . Jesus Christ . " June tugged at him gently , pulling back his foreskin so that the head stood out proud . This was it . I was going to see my sweet little slut of a wife entered from behind by someone I hardly knew . We were both wanking ourselves silly . " Oh God , oh God , put it in me now " , June shouted . " Please . Fuck me . Fill me with your spunk . Do it now , Frank . " Frank and I both stood up and forced our stiff cocks back into our pants . It was only just in time , as a couple were coming off the river path , and were walking towards us through the bushes . They stopped just a few yards away and were talking . The woman was slim and had on a short top , showing her midriff , and a short white flared skirt . The chap looked older and was wearing a shirt and shorts . At first I had thought it was a courting couple , and felt a further twitch in my groin at the possibilities that might provide , but Frank said that he thought they were father and daughter as he had seen them before . " They were here last Saturday , just walking round . The girl is quite pretty , but knows it . You know , at that age . All round - eyed and innocent . " We both looked down at June and saw she was fingering herself again . I quickly pulled her skirt down over her legs , and just had time to put June 's pants , the mag and vibrator into our bag before the couple actually walked into the opening where we were . The chap said hello and apologised for disturbing us . He explained that they had been to this spot before and were hoping to do some sunbathing . The chap must have been in his early sixties but looked quite fit . The girl was very pretty but looked young . She had a short pink cotton top on , with thin straps , and , in common with current fashion , underneath that a barely concealed bra , with contrasting blue straps . Despite finding the girl very appealing , I wanted them to go so that we could get on with our session . I didn 't want June to go off the boil , but it was June that seemed determined to keep talking . " Well why don 't you join us . It 's probably the best spot on the bank and there 's room for us all here . " June stood up , and rearranged the blanket so that there was space for the girl to sit next to her . Us three men had to sit on the grass , but it was nice and dry . The old chap introduced himself as Alan and the girl was called Kayleigh ( or Kay for short ) . She was the daughter of one of Alan 's nieces , or so he said . It was Kay 's eighteenth birthday and ' Uncle Alan ' was taking her out for the day . We all commented that she looked a lot younger ( I would have said 14 ) but Kay said that her uncle liked her to dress to look younger . June poured a couple of drinks - there were only two glasses - and we all got on famously , particularly Kay and June . She seemed fascinated with June 's outfit , particularly her high heels . By now it was mid afternoon and the sun was very hot . Kay wanted to do a bit of sunbathing and asked if she could take off her top and skirt . Alan asked us if we minded . I must admit that by his time I was getting very turned on by the whole business . Alan was obviously interested in June , as she kept flashing him , and the rest of us , a glimpse of her undies . From where I was sat I could see straight up Kay 's skirt and so I looked forward to seeing her strip off . It was June that spoke first . " Yes of course Kay , we 're all friends . There 's no need to be ashamed . I 'm sure Jimmy and Frank won 't mind . I mean bra and pants are just like a bikini aren 't they boys ? " " Oh I 'm not ashamed June , " she replied . " At your house we often walk around naked , don 't we Uncle ? With that , she got up and stood in front of us all , with her hands on her hips . Why don 't you help me uncle , this top is very tight . " She walked over to where Alan was sitting . He stood up , and slowly peeled off her top to reveal a blue bra , which barely covered her firm breasts . Then he sat down again and as she stood next to him , he unzipped the short white skirt and helped her to pull it down . Underneath she was wearing a brief blue thong , which matched her bra . All of our eyes were fixed on her as she paraded round and finished with a twirl to sit down next to June . I looked across at her Uncle and was not surprised to see his erection poking through his shorts . I caught June 's eye and she smiled back . " Yes that would be a good idea , " I said . " I 'm sure Alan and Frank won 't mind , will you boys ? " I could hardly speak . My throat was dry in anticipation of what might happen next . They both mumbled words of agreement , both staring at June waiting for the next move . " Well it 's ok for you Kay , but I have all this fancy underwear on . I 'd feel silly . What would your Uncle Alan think . ? " " Oh I 'm sure he won 't mind , " replied Kay . After all you do have a nice figure . I 'll bet you look really cool in your bra and pants . " OK , well if nobody minds … " June stepped into the middle of the group and we all gazed up at her . She looked across at me and I could tell she was getting turned on herself . " OK guys , blouse first I think . " June reached up and undid the buttons on her white blouse , one by one , and then pulled the blouse out from her skirt . She slipped the blouse off her shoulders and it fell to the floor . She did look good , and Uncle Alan and Uncle Frank were mesmerised , their hands buried deep in their pockets . Next came the skirt , which June unzipped and let fall to reveal the full set of suspenders , pants and stockings . Junes ' face was flushed and she slowly turned round so that we could all see her . She stopped , facing Kay and smiled at her . Kay smiled back . I could see that the girl had her hand down the front of her thong and was playing with herself . June responded , her hand dropping down to her own fanny , pressing it through her black lace pants . The sexual tension was unbearable . " There you are Kay . You can see my rosebud . That 's it . Touch it . Yes , oh yes that 's it . Now kiss me down there . " Kay had leant forward , her fingers exploring the pink tip of June 's clitoris and then buried her face in June 's cunt , licking and nibbling at her clit . June was shaking uncontrolleably . Frank and I had our cocks out now and were openly wanking . Alan stood up and undid his shorts and let them fall the floor , his short stubby erection jutting out . Frank and I did the same , and now all three of us were naked . We gathered around June wanting to get a closer look , our cocks nudging against her as we gazed down at Kay 's tongue flicking at my wife 's wet fanny . Frank and I looked on , wanking steadily , as Alan bent down and removed June 's pants completely . He then went behind his niece and undid her bra top , letting it fall to the ground as he bent down and grasped her firm young tits from behind , squeezing them hard . Suddenly he had taken charge of the situation , and I was certain he had done this before with his niece . He then pulled her up from the floor so that her and June were facing each other . Spontaneously , they reached out to hold each other and June bent forward to kiss Kay on the lips . It was the sexiest thing I have ever seen . Their tongues probing each other 's mouths . Alan , still standing behind Kay , then bobbed down and quickly slipped off her blue thong , pausing as he stood up to press his right hand between her legs . Frank grunted a reply as he continued to push into Kay 's fanny . As he was doing this , Alan had gone behind June and had unclipped her bra . I watched as his hands came forward to reach out and cup both of her bare breasts , squeezing and kneading them , rubbing her large nipples between his finger and thumb . Kay and June had left off kissing and Kay dropped her head to suck at June 's nipples as Alan offered each breast to her in turn . " Kay was right , Jimmy , your wife 's tits are fantastic . What suckable nipples . " He turned to Frank - " come on Frank , let Jimmy have a feel now . " Reluctantly Kay and my wife pulled apart , but June still held her and gently helped down onto the blanket . It was only now that I could see what an amazing body she had . Her skin was tanned and covered in the lightest of downy hair . Her breasts were perfect . Tight and firm with little nipples that went in slightly . Her pubic hair had been shaved and her pink moist slit beckoned . Her legs were stretched out in front of her so I moved around to her right and bent down beside her . June was now knelt opposite me . I traced a circle on her stomach with the fingers of my right hand and felt her body react to my touch . She looked at me intensely , her eyes staring into mine . She was biting her bottom lip . " Go on Jimmy , " said Alan . " Look at her face . She 's ready for it now , aren 't you sweetie ? " My hand dropped and I pushed my middle finger between her cunt lips . They parted easily , her wetness allowing me to slip two then three fingers into her . I looked briefly across at June , who smiled back in encouragement . To my right Alan had now dropped to his knees and was wanking steadily as he watched me finger fucking his niece . As I pushed deeper into her cunt I started to massage her clit with my thumb , my eyes now fixed firmly on Kay 's writhing body . I felt a hand reach under me to grab my cock and start to wank me . I looked up and saw June still there gazing at me , her face flushed with sex , as she watched Frank 's hand slowly pulling at my cock . I could feel his own knob end behind me , pressing between my arse cheeks . June leaned across and kissed me . The sensation of being kissed by my wife while being wanked by a man was just amazing . June than moved round by Kay 's head , her legs parted , and inched forward leaning over Kay in a sixty nine position , so that her face was just by my hand . She then gently lowered her fanny down onto Kay 's face and Kay greedily accepted the invitation to lick and suck at June 's dripping wetness . I felt a sudden movement behind me as Frank let go of my cock and moved to the left so he could watch June 's cunt sliding across Kay 's face . I continued to frig Kay , but now June was helping me and licking at Kay 's clit . She was getting very noisy now , but her screams were muffled by June 's cunt smothering her face . I felt her tense as June sucked harder on her clit and then her body arched off the ground as her climax went through her . " Now she 's wet enough , " said Alan , and he bent forward to lift up her legs , shuffling forward to kneel between them , his hand pushing forward to finger his niece 's wet cunt . He pulled his fingers out , covered in her sticky cum , and pushed them into June 's mouth . She sucked at them and then I watched as Alan removed his fingers , leaned forward , and pushed his cockI looked to my left and saw Frank with his hands gripping my wife 's arse . He had pulled her arse cheeks wide open and was staring at her exposed cunt . Alan saw this and released June 's head , his cock slipping out of her mouth . " Right Frank , hold her cunt lips open . " Frank did so , and Alan and I stood there watching her cunt opening and closing while we pumped away at our cocks . She was still wearing her stockings , suspender belt and shoes and looked great . Alan bent down and started to finger her while Frank was holding her open . " I think your wife 's just about ready . What do you think Frank ? " I looked on , still wanking , as Frank held her lips apart with his left hand and then pushed four fingers of his right hand deep into her fanny . " Let 's fuck her now . Do you want fucking June ? Are you ready for all three of us ? " June turned round to look at us and looked down at our stiff cocks . She looked at me and nodded . Without a word , Alan moved in behind her and slipped his cock straight up her fanny . He stopped , holding it in her , and leaned forward to grab onto her tits . " She feels nice . Nice and juicy . " He leant forward and whispered to June . " You have got a big cunt June , I think we 'd better see if Frank can fill you up next " June shouted out as Alan proceeded to fuck her , hanging onto her tits as his balls banged into her . It was like watching two dogs fucking as with each thrust he tried to get deeper into her . They were both shouting out and I was surprised how long he kept at it , his sweat dripping down onto her back . Suddenly he lurched forward and we could see his arse contracting as he came . June was shouting out and collapsed on top of Kay as her own orgasm came with a rush and her hot juices flowed out and dripped down onto Kay 's face . Alan slowly withdrew his softening prick from my wife 's cunt . Frank and I watched intently as his spunk dribbled out of her . June then rolled off Kay and lay back on the blanket . Alan called to Kay " Suck it clean for me now , lick of all Auntie June 's sticky juice . Make it hard again while Uncle Frank stretches her wide for us . " Alan had knelt down at the side of June , and Kay joined them , dropping her head down to his cock as he ran his left hand up and down June 's leg , feeling the smoothness of her stockings . Are you ready for another fucking June , he said as he dropped his left hand to her cunt and started to finger her . " Oh yes Alan . Come here . " I watched in amazement as she pulled him towards her and kissed him on the lips . " You were fantastic . I want you to fuck me again " As they kissed Alan was finger fucking her again , and I watched as Alan 's prick grew hard again . Frank needed no further encouragement . As we looked on , he dropped to his knees in front of June , his large cock jutting out over her belly . I kneeled down with him and watched as he pulled back and then lowered his knob end to her waiting cunt . He held his cock in his right hand and nudged it up against her . I went to the right of her in order to get a better view , and watched as he used his cock to tease her . Rubbing the tip of it up and down her slit and then pushing it in just a little . She was whimpering now like a dog . Alan still had his own hand down there and he had pushed his middle finger up into her arse and was holding it there . " Go on Frank , let me feel it going up her , " Alan encouraged him . Frank slowly pushed forward . His bell end disappearing into June 's cunt . He stopped for a moment and then pushed further , inch by inch till he was completely inside her , his large balls hanging down and resting on Alan 's hand . Her stockinged legs were now up over his shoulders . Her face was contorted in lust , her eyes closed , and when Frank slowly pulled out she screamed out " Fuck me , you bastard " . Frank then pushed back in again harder and June caught her breath as he gradually drew out again and back in again , building up a steady rhythm . Alan now started to push further into Junes arse with his finger as Frank 's movements were opening her up more and more . He leaned over again and pulled June towards him , forcing his tongue into her mouth . Again she responded , and I thought it the sexiest thing ever . My wife was being fucked by one man while kissing another one . The sight of this sent Frank over the edge and I saw him tense up . Alan saw this too and shouted out . Frank gave a loud groan and sat back , pulling his cock out of my wife 's fanny . His cock twitched and a thick stream of cum shot out and hit June under the chin , followed by two more strong bursts . Frank 's cock was still hard , the end dribbling spunk , and I watched as he leant forward and lifted June from the ground until she was standing between us . She was leaning on Alan and me for support and Kay was stood behind her . Frank took a firm hold of his cock , and bending his legs slightly pushed it into her cunt again . They were both the same height , but June 's heels made it easy for him to enter her while she was standing up . Frank started to fuck her again and this time we could feel every movement . Our hands were all over her , touching her tits , reaching down to feel her cunt as Frank 's stiff cock slipped easily in and out , her fanny lubricated with two lots of cum . " It 's a nice sight isn 't it Jimmy , watching your wife being fucked ? She 's very good , a natural . " As he spoke I responded to both of their hands . Alan now moving round to finger my arse as Kay wanked me faster and faster . " Why don 't you come back to my house , Jimmy ? I 've a couple of friends who would like to meet your wife . We can tie her to the bed with her stockings , and blindfold her with her lacy pants . Then we can take turns to fuck her . " As he said this he pulled June towards him and kissed her . June cried out as she came again , and Frank stumbled forward into me as his prick jerked once more and filled my wife with another stream of thick sperm . My own load followed seconds later and shot up to spray across Kay 's tits . It had been an afternoon to remember and the evening was still to come . |
Posted on May 9 , 2014 by mathcat I 'm excited to announce that my Kickstarter project is now live ! I 'm hoping to raise funds to record my anthology Aurora in Four Voices as an audiobook . I 've been fortunate to find a fantastic narrator , Sylvia Roldán Dohi . You can hear a sample of her narration in the Kickstarter video , and be sure to check out her impressive bio further down on the Kickstarter page . Sylvia has already begun recording , but there are significant expenses to editing and producing the audiobook , and I 'm hoping to raise enough funds through Kickstarter to finish it . Please consider pledging to back the project . Every little bit helps , and you can pledge as little as $ 1 . If you can pledge a little more , I have some fun rewards for you . As with all projects on Kickstarter , your pledged amount will only be billed if my project meets its goal . If the project doesn 't meet the goal , then all pledges are canceled , and I receive nothing . I opened my eyes to a sunlit room . It looked the same as always , with my TV table in the middle of the room and my bed against the wall to the right . Across the room , beyond the TV , the " kitchen " was no more than a narrow counter with space behind it for a stove and refrigerator . A barred window above the sink let sunlight sift through the gauzy blue curtains I had sewn . My mother 's dress hung above the bed , a wedding huipil she had never worn , a white dress she had woven with cotton , lace , and downy white feathers , embroidered with flowers in blue , red , and gold thread around the square neckline . It was gorgeous . Not only did it cover the peeling paint on the wall , but it also reminded me of Chiapas whenever I was homesick and lonely . I rubbed my eyes and peered at my watch . 9 : 00 a . m . That meant I had seven hours until my shift at the Blue Knight . Exhausted , I changed into a white nightgown that came to my knees and crawled into bed . The sound of a dog barking outside woke me up . The clock on my TV table said it was two in the afternoon . I went to wash my face , and the bathroom mirror gave me a sobering reflection . I looked ten years older , with a bruise on my cheek where Nug had hit me . Maybe that was why Nug was aging so fast , because his ugly lifestyle had squeezed out his vitality . He was right , though , the bastard . I was afraid to go to the police . My family had come to America in 1981 , so we were eligible for amnesty under the Immigration Reform and Control Act of 1986 . Unfortunately , neither my mother nor Manuel understood English well enough to keep our file up to date . I was trying to straighten it out , but since I was underage and without a legal guardian , I didn 't want to draw attention to myself . I didn 't understand all the bureaucracy , and I feared if I made waves , they would put me in foster care or pack me off to Chiapas where I had no family or prospects . Only a few more months and I would be eighteen . Just keep trying , I thought . You can do it . I would save money for college , get legal , and have a real life without Nug killing my dreams with his fists or his body . Right now , though , I had to get ready for work . I changed into one of my uniforms for the restaurant . They all looked the same , a blue laced - up bodice , a blue mini - skirt with fluffy white underskirts , and stiletto heels . I didn 't much like the style , but the colors and cloth were pretty . I knew the only reason they gave me the job was because I looked good in their waitress outfit . Maybe they even knew I was underage . I just made sure I did my job well , never made waves , and smiled at the patrons , who gave me good tips . It didn 't hurt , either , that I was better at math than any of the other waitresses . He was sitting against the wall by the door , his knees drawn up to his chest , his head resting on them as if he were an overworked bodyguard who had given in to exhaustion . Seeing him in the light , I realized his hair wasn 't blond after all . The sun had streaked it gold , but underneath it was red , almost purple . It reminded me of the merlot wine we served at the restaurant . Even stranger , the color looked real , not like he had dyed his hair . He was older than I had first thought , too , well into his thirties . The previous night I had assumed he was Anglo , but now I had no idea what to think . His skin had a metallic tint , like bronze or gold . It was subtle , so I hadn 't noticed before , but with the sunlight from the window down the hall slanting across his arms , the tint became more visible . What the - ? I knew he had eyes ; I had seen them last night . But when his lashes lifted , they uncovered nothing but a gold shimmer . No pupils , no irises , no whites , no nothing . Just gold . His forehead creased and he looked around the hall for whatever it was that I didn 't believe . As he searched , that gold rolled up from his eyes like a retracting eyelid . Underneath , he had normal eyes . Almost normal . They were an unusual color , like grapes that grow in big , juicy clusters . I had heard about people with violet eyes , but I 'd assumed it meant dark blue . I had never imagined the color could be so vivid . He shrugged . " The inner lids are like my grandfather 's . He had - I am not sure what is the English word . Differences from birth . " He watched me touch him , his look turning sleepy . Bedroom eyes , my friend Rosa would say . Taking my hand , he curled his fingers around mine . " I was worried about you . " " I 'm okay . " I squeezed his fingers and said what I should have told him before . " Thank you for last night . I don 't want to think what would 've happened if you hadn 't helped me . " He lifted my hand and pressed his lips against my knuckles , his teeth just barely touching the skin , not kissing exactly , more like biting . It was strange . But nice . I couldn 't believe he was out here , though . I didn 't know any other guy who would guard my door all night . " Why do you call yourself a girl ? " Althor started to reach for me , then paused . When I didn 't object , he pulled me into a hug . I held him tight , my cheek against his ear , his curls tickling my nose . Closing my eyes , I willed that moment to last forever , as if I could preserve it in amber and take it wherever I went , to bring out for comfort whenever the loneliness became too much After a moment , I pulled back my head . " I have to go to work . If I 'm late , I 'll lose my job . " " You did ? " His teeth flashed in a smile . " I keep thinking , ' She will say something . ' But nothing . So I believed you had not the interest . " He hesitated . " I think , though , that your customs here are not like ours . That expectations for women and men are different than what I am used to . " We came out of the building into afternoon sunshine . For a moment Althor 's face blanked . Then he came back to normal . " It is fourteen hours since I first meet you . " I could tell it wasn 't fine . His tension created a pale mist around him . Yet despite that , he meant to stick around . It seemed a good sign . As we walked along , an old Ford rumbled along Miner Street . Althor spun around as the car went by us and walked backward , staring until the Ford disappeared around a corner . Then he swung back around to me . " Amazing ! Another car , even more vintage . " Vintage ? Then I realized he meant a classic car . How I knew , I wasn 't sure . I must have overheard Jake , my ex - boyfriend , use the word . He was the best mechanic around here and seriously into old cars . English was his second language , after Spanish , but when it came to cars , he knew more than anyone else in either language . I also noticed another oddness about Althor . Just a moment ago , his hands had been free , but now he held a gold box with rounded edges . Where had that come from ? His clothes had no pockets , at least none I could see . Although the box resembled his transcom , it was different than what he had showed me last night . Yet even as I watched , this new box was changing color and becoming less rounded . His face blanked as if he were a machine . " Yes , that clarifies the syntax . I will set it as the correct grammatical construction . I am checking my Jag . " His expression returned to normal and he continued in his heavy accent as if nothing had happened . " I don 't use English much . It takes a while to reintegrate the programs . " I couldn 't help but laugh . He looked so serious . " Oh , Althor . If you really have a space ship , how is it up there while you 're here ? " " The hull acts as an antenna . " He spoke casually , as if his words were perfectly normal . " It receives transcom signals on a narrow bandwidth and sends them to the onboard web system . " Oooookay . Though I had to admit , it made sense in a bizarre sort of way . Not that I was any expert on space ship antennas . " And that box is flying your ship right now ? " " No . The Jag flies itself . " He glanced around at the street with its potholes and broken manhole covers . " I think it is more safe in orbit than down here . " That seemed unlikely , especially if his ship had no pilot . Not that I really believed he had a ship . " It 's not safe up there , either , you know . The military will find it . " He paused , thinking . " I believe the word translates as ' shroud . ' The shroud , it polarizes a film on the hull of my ship . So the hull , it becomes a surface that reflects nothing . The shroud also projects false readings to fool devices . And its evasion programs monitor space around the ship , making it change course to avoid objects - " He broke off , staring past me , his mouth opening . I turned to look , wondering what could be even more bizarre than what he had just told me . We had come around the corner into view of San Carlos Boulevard , an ordinary street , though bigger than most , with a lot of traffic , and also stores that lined both sides of the road . Everything looked normal . " The cars . " He motioned at San Carlos as if he had found a pot of gold . " I 've never seen so many in good running condition before . This is why the air smells bad , isn 't it ? " No kidding . Who would have figured that smog would get him so worked up . " It gets even worse later in the day . " I missed the clean mountain air of Nabenchauk . He paused , flipping into machine mode and then back to normal . " Filters . Engineered molecules that sift pollutants out of the air and convert them to nontoxic chemicals . " Up ahead , a bus pulled into a stop on San Carlos . My bus . Damn ! If I missed it , I would be late to work . I broke into a run , and Althor strode easily at my side . We reached the stop just as the bus was pulling away from the curb . When I banged on the side of the bus , the driver gave us an annoyed glance , then relaxed when he saw me . He halted the bus and even smiled as he opened the door . It was a relief ; not all the drivers would let you on after they left the stop . This guy was one of the nice ones , and he often drove this route , so he knew me . I put my fare in the coin collector , then glanced back . Althor had followed me and was standing there watching with curiosity . If I hadn 't known him , though , I would have only seen how he loomed , towering , unsmiling , his bare arms bulging with muscles , the metal on his wrist guards glinting . When the driver glanced at Althor , his smile vanished and his hands tightened on the steering wheel . The driver closed the door and pulled into the street . Everyone stared as Althor and I made our way down the crowded aisle . No seats were empty , so we stood near the back , holding onto the overhead bar while the bus bumped down the street . Althor gazed out the window , his fascination with the view making faint arcs of light around us , like translucent gold arrows looping through the bus . " Coins ? Good gods , no . " He didn 't seem the least embarrassed by his impoverished state . " That is what those metal disks were ? Actual coins ? " I gave him my most unimpressed look , the one I saved for guys who called me " girlie " when I was waiting tables . " Yeah , real honest - to - goodness coins . " So okay , he wasn 't the dream date . I didn 't mind sometimes paying my own way ; obviously he wasn 't any richer than the rest of us . Even so . I had no intention of always picking up the bill . That didn 't seem to fit him , though . Maybe I was naïve , but Althor didn 't strike me as the deadbeat type . We fell silent after that , and Althor went back to gazing at the city as we rolled along the hazy , sunlit streets of Los Angeles . Potholes cratered the baked asphalt and the bus rattled along , making it difficult to talk . That was fine with me ; I didn 't want Althor to start in about space ships where people could overhear . He was no longer holding the transcom , though I had no idea where he had stowed the box , given the close fit of his clothes . I was on time for work , thank goodness ; we reached the Blue Knight restaurant at about ten to four . Out in the front , a blue and white striped canopy snapped in a crisp breeze . Robert , the doorman , stood at his post by the main entrance all decked out in his snazzy blue uniform with its gold buttons and ironed trousers . He was doing his best to look snootily aloof , which didn 't work so well given that he was such a good - natured guy . The restaurant owners tried to make the place upscale , and they almost succeeded . It was still a bar and grille , nothing compared to the high rent places uptown , but fancier than most around here . I especially liked weekend nights , when a blues trio played in the bar , a piano guy , a dude with one of those huge upright basses , and a drummer who always wore sunglasses . They filled the smoky air with tunes from another era , and time when women wore long , slinky dresses instead of fluffy mini - skirts , and men in zoot suits carried trumpets instead of sub - machine guns . We went in the back door . It smelled good inside the building , like fresh soap and old leather from the seats out in the main room . Right away we ran into Brad Steinham , the manager , a big Anglo guy wearing darks slacks and a wrinkled white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows . He was helping the bartender carry boxes of what looked like cans and jars . They were clearing out one of the back storerooms , moving all the boxes into a different storeroom on the right . " Yeah , I 'm fine . " I gave him my most reassuring smile . " This is my friend , Althor . " To Althor , I said , " This is Brad . He runs the place . " Brad put down the box he was carrying and straightened up , looking over the giant I had brought into his restaurant . Althor nodded to him , sizing up Brad while Brad sized him up . And Brad was sizing him up , literally . He might as well have come right out and asked Althor how much he could bench - press . Glancing at me , Brad motioned at the box he had put on the floor . " We sprung some leaks in two of the storerooms . Have to move everything before it rains tomorrow . " He looked at Althor again and Althor looked back . " You want a job ? " Brad asked him . " My bartender has been moving the boxes , but I need him at the bar . You help us clean out the storerooms , I 'll pay you five bucks an hour . " Fortunately Brad just said , " That 's right . " He tilted his head at me . " Tina 'll be here eight hours . You work that long and I 'll pay you forty dollars . " Althor went into the room and spoke to the bartender , a dark - haired guy dressed a blue vest and grey trousers . The bartender nodded toward a stack of boxes , his face red as he struggled to pick up one from his own stack . Althor went where he pointed and easily hefted up two boxes , moving like a well - oiled machine . He carried them over to the other guy with no sign of strain and stood waiting for the bartender to show him where to go . " Good Lord , " Brad muttered . " Where do you find these hulks ? " He turned to me . " No way can we finish both those storerooms tonight . If he works out with no problems , I can maybe give him a few more hours tomorrow . " " You 're a prince , Brad . " I hesitated . " Are you still thinking , too , about hiring Mario fulltime ? " It had been a week since the last time I had asked him about Mario . I couldn 't let it go . " He 's a hard worker . Really . He 'd do right by your restaurant . " Mario needed a job . He was trying so hard to turn around his life . His expertise was in fixing up old cars . He and my old boyfriend Jake loved working their magic on broken down wrecks ; that was what made them such good friends . But none of the garages around here had any openings , a least not for him . Brad blew out a gust of air . " Tina , he 's got a rap sheet a mile long . Possession of a dangerous weapon . Carrying a concealed firearm . Assault with a deadly weapon . Felony battery . Attempted murder , for Christ 's sake . " I knew how it looked . Most of the charges had come from a fight that went down between VSC and Nug 's gang after my cousin Manuel died . The cops had busted Mario for carrying a Mac - 10 machine pistol . They hit him hard for the gun because they couldn 't make the attempted murder charge stick . They also wanted Mario and Nug off the street before the fighting went out of control . Both Mario and Nug had served time at Soledad , but no one had gone to jail for Manuel 's death . The police never found enough evidence to make an arrest . Except I knew Nug had killed him . We all knew . I hoped Nug rotted in some dark place that made hell look like a party . I could guess what think about it meant . He wasn 't going to offer Mario a job either , just like everyone else had turned down Mario 's applications . How wasMariosupposed to " rehabilitate " himself when no one would give him a chance ? He was smart , strong , and loyal , and he worked hard . Yeah , he was the head of VSC , but that meant he was being a leader . A good leader . The other guys looked up to him and a lot of girls wanted him , not only because he was the big man in this part of town , but also because he treated people well and never beat on his woman . All that employers saw when they looked at him , though , was his hardened face , the tats on his arms , his worn - out clothes , and the knife scar on his cheek . I watched Althor carry two more boxes out of the storeroom . " Kid " was hardly accurate . He was a grown man well out of his youth . For once I was glad that when I was tired , I looked older than my age . If Althor knew I was only seventeen , he might change his mind about hanging with me . Not that I had any family left who would come after him . Nug had seen to that when he murdered my last living kin . At midnight , I found Althor in one of the leaky but now empty storerooms . He and Brad were sitting on the floor with two of the other waitresses , Sami and Delia , the four of them drinking coffee and eating jellyrolls from Winchell 's . Brad was actually beaming , wonder of all wonders , and Tami and Delia were flirting with Althor . My Althor . Althor remained silent as Tami snuggled up to his side , her long blond hair falling across his arm . He wasn 't paying attention to her , but for all I knew , that meant zip . She was older than me and as pretty as one of those girls in Nug 's lingerie catalogue . Maybe Althor wanted me to get lost . I nodded , trying to act nonchalant . " Sí , estoy acabada . " Then , flustered , realizing I 'd answered in Spanish instead of English , I added , " I 'm done . " Althor barely said good - bye to the others as he left . He didn 't say much while we waited at the bus stop , either . Maybe he was irked at me for interrupting their party . Either that , or he was tired . Come to think of it , after clearing out two storerooms in one night , he was probably exhausted . The bus pulled up and Althor followed my lead . He tried to pay with a twenty dollar bill Brad must have given him , but the bus driver just stared at him . So I pushed the money back at Althor and paid for him myself . After we sat toward the back of the bus , he put his arm over my shoulders and pulled me against his side . I rested my head against him , relieved finally to relax . Althor rested his cheek against the top of my head , wrapping his arms around me as if he were a boy going to sleep with his favorite stuffed animal . I almost laughed at the unlikely image . My eyes soon drooped closed , and I drowsed next to him . I woke up in time to ring for our stop . Althor followed me out the back door , rubbing his eyes . Instead of trying to walk down the narrow steps on the bus , he just jumped over them , down to the street . We headed to my apartment in silence . At first I thought he was bored , that he was walking me home only because he felt obligated . I was so busy feeling self - conscious that it took a while for his mood to register . Finally it soaked into my mind that he felt clumsy too . It was odd ; he seemed so confident , uncaring of what people thought of him . Except with me . Why ? " Ragnar . Admiral Ragnar Bloodmark . A family friend . " His face relaxed . " He 's been my mentor since I was a small boy . Like a second father . " " Is your father a pilot , too ? " Hey , his father could be an interstellar king . That would fit with Josh 's games . It was harder and harder to believe , though , that Althor was playing a game . " That 's right . He has a spectacular voice . " His mood turned pensive . " My father and Ragnar , they don 't have much liking for each other . They are opposites . Ragnar understood when I wanted to be a Jagernaut . He is a military man . My father , all he sees is that I might die . " Althor brushed his hand over my hair , and I picked up a lovely sense , as if he wanted to make contact in some way he couldn 't define himself , to touch me with a drop of the love his family had given him . I caught his fingers and kissed his knuckles the way he had kissed mine earlier today . As I let his hand go , his pleased surprise shimmered in the air around him . Although we were silent after that , it was comfortable , neither of us feeling the need to talk . Eventually he started playing with his transcom . Once again , it appeared out of nowhere , As he worked , his good mood vanished . |
2012 is over and done . It wasn 't a bad year . Lots of good things happened with the bad and I 'm thankful for all of it . Probably the biggest thing that happened was figuring out my soy allergy / sensitivity . Call it what you will , but I 've been doing fantastically since cutting out every last little bit of the nasty substance . Only once in a blue moon ( I 'm talking really only once every 2 - 3 months ) will I have an episode and only after eating things that I know I shouldn 't eat ! I 'm really glad that Darling Hubby was able to figure it out and that it wasn 't milk . Despite the friendships I lost during the whole brouhaha , I feel I 'm better for having the whole thing happen . I 'm feeling better overall . I don 't wake up feeling like crap every morning and don 't go to sleep in pain every night . And , it was all because I simply changed my diet . Who 'd have thunk it ? Another good thing that happened was that I learned how to knit socks . I 've made 14 pairs of socks since the start of March . They are all pretty simple socks , but I love them simple . I 'm not a real fancy lace and pattern girl . I even challenged myself to do some unusually constructed socks like the carousel socks and the sideways socks . Unfortunately , I didn 't finish the Owlie socks my friend Barbara and I started as a knit along . I just had a bunch of other projects come up that took precedence . I wear a knitted pair of socks practically every day and most members of my family have received a pair of socks at some point . The only one who hasn 't is Fidget … Another good ( and bad ) thing was that I opened my own shop on Etsy . It 's been open since April and I 've only had one online sale and that was a custom order for a friend … but , the recipient of that custom order Cthulhu hat is delighted with it , so that 's what really matters . I will admit that most of my sales have been off etsy to friends or at the craft fair I did in September with some of the girls from the library knitting group . I made 3 blankets for a friend from back home for her to give for Christmas gifts . I also made another blanket for someone at the knitting group at the public library after she fell in love with one of the 3 that I made . I haven 't had much time to do my own knitting lately because I 've been doing projects for the shop . I 'm still excited to have the shop open … I 'm just a little disappointed that it hasn 't done as well as I 'd hoped . Another good thing is that I went to Rhinebeck for the first time for the Sheep and Wool Festival . It 's where I got bitten by the spinning bug . I came home with a drop spindle and taught myself to spin yarn on it . Of course I couldn 't just stop with that . I 've fallen in love with wheel spinning . I 've been getting better by leaps and bounds and just learned how to Navajo ply and I might even list this most recent yarn in my etsy shop ( if I can talk myself out of keeping it ! ) I 'm hoping to save up enough money to buy my own wheel at some point . I 've tried a Kromski Sonota and an Ashford Kiwi and so far I really like the Kiwi , despite the nasty creak that it has in one of the treadles . But , I 've heard that Ashfords have a tendency to creak … lol The bad was , thankfully , few and far between . Things didn 't really start to get bad until November , which seems to be a pretty crappy month for many people . Darling Hubby was off for the week of Thanksgiving and we woke up that Monday to a very cold house . Despite the fact that the furnace was running all the radiators were stone cold . Turns out the circulator pump blew and a day of waiting for the technician to come to fix it and $ 700 later we had a warm house . Thankfully we have the wood fireplace for back - up warmth … then , Darling Hubby had to have his car inspected and that needed $ 400 worth of work … so in 2 days we 'd spent over $ 1100 … and we hadn 't even started to buy Christmas presents . Probably the worst and absolute last thing that happened in 2012 was that on New Years Eve around 9 : 30 pm , our little dog Spiral passed away peacefully in her box . It 's something that we 've been expecting could happen at any time due to her age and health , but it was pretty sudden how it happened . Literally it was she was alive one minute and gone the next . We came home early from a New Years party , Darling Hubby walked the dogs and I started ushering the kids upstairs . I filled the dogs water bowl ( both dogs were happy and dancing around ) and headed upstairs to do the bedtime routine while Darling Hubby went out to plow out the bottom of the driveway , thanks to not 1 , but 2 plows coming through right after we got home . Anyway , Fidget left his new Buzz Lightyear downstairs and wanted to sleep with it , so I went down to get it . I noticed Spiral was laying with her nose down in the blanket and not on her paws like normal and I got no response when I called her name . I 'd seriously only been upstairs 10 minutes . It came as a complete shock to both me and Darling Hubby as to how sudden it was , but like I said it was expected . We 'd had her for over 9 years and she was estimated to be around 2 when we adopted her . She had bad teeth and a severe heart murmur that had progressed into congestive heart failure where she was constantly coughing , but she was still active , ate well and seemed happy . I 'm thankful that she seemed to go peacefully and that she 's in a better place and has hopefully been reunited with her best friend , Grace , who passed away nearly 2 years ago . When I was in 8th grade or so , my beagle Samantha , who was 10 and a half years old , died during the night . All was quiet in the house for a while until one night I woke up in the night to go to the bathroom and I heard the sounds of a dog drinking very loudly from the water bowl in the kitchen , just down the hall from my room . I automatically assumed it was one of our other dogs , Sheba or Gabrielle , and went to get out of bed . I found that Sheba was curled up on the rug next to my bed and listening closer , realized that the sound was much too loud to be Gabrielle drinking … she was just a tiny poodle and often never got down off the bed in the night . I left my room and ventured across the hall to my mom 's room to see if Gabrielle was in there and upon waking my mom learned the poodle was curled up on the foot of the bed … I continued to hear the sound , as did my mom . Together , we walked down the short hallway to the kitchen and as soon as my mom flipped on the light switch , the lapping sound stopped . There was no one in the kitchen . Freaky . The day after I got married in 2002 , Darling Hubby and I drove down to my parents house to spend a little more time with family and to see my brother Frank who , for various reasons , was unable to attend the ceremony or reception . My Uncle and Aunt ( my mom 's brother and wife ) flew in from Illinois to meet me for the first time , to attend the wedding and to see his sister , whom he hadn 't seen in over 25 years . While we were visiting in the living room , I assumed my usual spot standing in front of the fireplace . Don 't ask me why , but that 's always where I stand when we are just talking in the living room . I always have , whether there was a fire or not . This time , as I was standing there , I felt something tug at the back of my right sleeve . I turned and looked and there was no one behind me . I mentioned it to the room and we kinda laughed about it . We 've always had the running joke the the house is haunted anyway . A little while later I was standing in the archway between the living room and the kitchen and it happened again . Same sleeve , same tugging feeling . This time I was a bit creeped out . We got talking about different freaky things and it turns out that my mom , during the time my Aunt and Uncle were staying with them , began smelling her Daddy 's ( My grandfather 's ) snuff . My aunt also smelled it , but was reluctant to say anything about it , because she figured she was going crazy . We came to the conclusion that my grandfather was around visiting his children and wanted to congratulate me on getting married . Weird . Since we are on the subject of my grandfather , my mother is convinced that he comes around , a lot . My mom has a set of those battery operated candles . You know the ones that people put in their windows during Christmastime . Well , they used to sit on the entertainment center in the living room . One day , one of the lights was lit , but no one turned it on . Mom went to unscrew the top to turn it off and the top just fell right off . She tried to get it to light again just by putting the top back on , but it wouldn 't light . She found you had to screw the top down quite a bit before it would turn on . This type of thing would happen fairly often so eventually she took the batteries out of the light and they got moved into her bedroom above her bed during some rearranging . My dad was walking out of the bedroom one day and noticed that the light was on again . He mentioned it to my mom who went in to check it out and saw that it was on and there were NO BATTERIES in it . Explain that one … . Just recently , my mom told me she was sweeping the back porch while my dad was working outside . She distinctly heard a male voice ask , " What are you doing ? " to which she replied , " Sweeping . " When she looked around she saw no one was there and when she looked around for my dad , saw that he was up on top of the hill at the horse barn , very far from the house . Strange . There you have it … some of the freaky , creepy and just plain strange things that have happened at my house . I 'm just waiting for Thanksgiving when we go back . If was stay over night I might just have a haunting tale to tell about Blossom returning from the grave ! Ooohhh ! ! Happy Halloween ! In the spring before I turned 12 my parents adopted a little white , 8 week old kitten for me . She was our only ever completely indoor cat and she was my pal . At the time there was a show on TV called Blossom about a teenage girl , named Blossom Russo . Since that was my last name at the time , I bestowed upon my new kitten the name of Blossom , rather than the " Gwen " she 'd been called at the shelter . Blossom was a great pal . She would play with cat toys , indulge me in dressing her in my baby doll clothes , and would sleep curled up under the covers with me at night , purring up a storm . Like any cat , she would sit on my desk while I did my homework . She loved curling up underneath the warmth of the desk lamp and would sit in the middle of my books and papers when it was convenient for her ( and inconvenient for me ) . When I moved out of the house to go to college in ' 98 my mom wouldn 't let me take Blossom with me to my new apartment so she stayed behind in the house where she grew up and despite frequent visits initially , those visits eventually waned and we grew apart . She was still my cat , but she wasn 't really my cat anymore . Blossom had several quirks she developed after I left . She had to be warm and would complain if she was cold and wanted a fire built . She hated closed doors . She had to have fresh food and water in her bowls before everyone went to bed and she would complain loudly during the night if those food bowls weren 't filled . Sometimes she would just complain … As she progressed in age she started showing traits of being senile . She would pick a particular spot in the house and sleep there , no matter how strange of a place or how inconvenient it was . Her favorite places were on the footstool on top of my mom 's feet , in front of or under the fireplace with or without a fire built , and in her litter box ( it was clean ) . This is one of only a few online pictures of have of Blossom . This was taken in December of 2006 at Christmas time . Bug got a big kick out of petting her and hearing her meow at him . She was in one of her cold moods . See how close she is to the wood stove . I got a call this morning from my mom . I could hear something in her voice when I answered the phone and knew something was wrong . I knew instantly it was Blossom . Blossom died in the night , at the age of 16 and a half , stretched out sleeping in front of my old dresser in " her room , " after eating a final meal from her freshly filled food bowls . I instantly teared up when my mom told me the details ( I 'm crying even now ) even though I 'd always told myself it 's been several years since we were close and I wasn 't going to be overly sad when she passed . It still hurts . I 'm sure when I go back to the house for Thanksgiving there will be a different feeling about it . I 'm sure there will be nights when she can still be heard meowing for food and water , much like we 've heard past pets after they 'd passed on . She 's buried on the property in our very own " pet cemetery " so I 'll still be able to visit her . Yeah , you read that right . A palm ( as in the palm of your hand ) size angelfish . Oh , they flush , don 't get me wrong , but I don 't think toilets really like them . At least ours didn 't appreciate it very much . I saw last night that my poor black and silver angelfish was on her last fins and she was , sadly , dead by morning ( she was an old fish so her time was up I guess ) and as all our other fish have received , she was granted the ritualistic burial by flush . As I said my sayonaras to her and Darling Hubby pressed down the handle , she obviously didn 't want to go to fishy heaven right away as she lodged in the hole and after a poke with the fish net , down she went . Darling Hubby just had to say that he hoped it didn 't lodge in the pipe . I 'd thought of that , but I 've surely flushed down greater amounts of toilet paper and other … um … stuff that there was no way a fish would clog up a toilet . Well , apparently , I was wrong . Shortly after that , the toilet stopped flushing well . The water level would drop , but it wouldn 't go all the way down . I attempted to plunge it and without improvement , Darling Hubby got the pipe snake from the basement and after a failed attempt at snaking the toilet ( pipe snakes just don 't go around the bends in toilets very well ) Darling Hubby added some Drano to the bowl and let it mellow for a while before flushing it . I 've since then flushed down a wad of TP to help move things along and , while there has been an improvement , the toilet is still not flushing properly … So , word to the wise . If you own a tropical fish tank with fish that are bigger than a couple inches … . don 't flush them when they meet their fishy maker . You 've officially been warned ! We had our first big snow of the year recently and after much shoveling and snow blowing , Bug and I headed out for some fun . The weather was nice with blue skies and decently warm temps . Our goal was to create a masterpiece Snowman . We bundled up in our warm clothes and headed out . As we were getting dressed , Bug said , " This is so exciting . " The first thing Bug does is run right into the snow where he gets " stuck . " With some help out from mommy , we go about building our snowman . Well , I should say I built a snowman . Bug had much more fun wading through the knee - deep ( to him anyway ) snow than actually helping . He was keeping our dog Max highly entertained by throwing snow at him . Max loves that . Overall , it was a great day outside in the white goodness . Bug had a good time and slept very well for his nap . Coming inside was a fight , but I promised he could go back out tomorrow with daddy . More snow is coming Saturday night into Sunday so there will be many more days to play . Oh , we read the book The Snow Family at nap time . If you 've never read it , you should . It 's one of my winter favorites . We may have to go out and build snow parents for our snow boy , or at least a snow dog he can romp with . Who knows What Snowmen Do at Night . Guess we 'll know in the morning . Saturday morning we got up early and went down to Pennsylvania to see Darling Hubby 's SIL and her 2 kids . They came back from New Mexico for a few days to load their horse trailer full of stuff to take with them , things that they couldn 't take the first trip out . We mainly went to visit but helped load stuff ( which was a complete and utter disaster . ) It took forever . Bug didn 't nap until late when he fell asleep on the futon that was left in the living room while all the cousins were watching The Wild . He slept for a while , but woke up cranky and only wanted Daddy who was filthy from moving stuff and trying to help them load kennel panels onto the top of the trailer to tie on since they wouldn 't fit inside . We didn 't leave until 7pm ( 3 hours later than I had wanted to leave ) and it was a 3 hour drive . Plus we had our dog Max with us so we had to stop for a pee break for him and once cause Bug got car sick after eating dinner of a McDonald 's Happy Meal . We think that was because he was watching a dvd and it was on really windy curvy roads . He was fine after that . We got home around 10 and I dunked him in the bath to get the insect repellent ( there were tons of those big black flies everywhere , it was gross ) and vomit off him before bed . Darling Hubby and I needed to take showers , too and I had to douse myself in aloe as I got a terrible sunburn and I wasn 't even in the sun that much . Bug was asleep by 10 : 30 , but was awake at 7 Sunday morning . He did play in his room quietly for a while before the rest of us got up . He hates being in water for some reason and then when Darling Hubby was trying to get him out , he thought he was in trouble and refused to budge . Needless to say , Max got a bath Sunday morning . He was a yucky dog ! lol We got to go through some of the stuff that they were not taking with them ( putting in an auction ) and we got a couple small chairs and a little tykes desk and a booster seat for the car for when Bug 's bigger . It just needed to be disinfected as it had been stored in the horse barn . Plus Darling Hubby 's sister gave me 2 big boxes of clothes that her son has out grown . I washed them once , but they need to be washed again as they stink to high heaven of cigarette smoke . Yuck ! Sunday was a bit better . Bug seemed to be better , although he did have a couple very messy diapers . I got out of the house to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 . Despite the negative things people have said about it , I enjoyed it . Today started off bad and I 'm hoping it gets better . Bug didn 't wake me up until around 8 and he was a poopy mess . I had to change the sheets on his bed as well as his clothes . Then , I brought him into bed with me so he could watch Curious George and he threw up all over himself . Needless to say , I called Baby Girl 's parents and requested that I not watch her today . I 'm also getting tomorrow off just to make sure he 's feeling better . We aren 't sure what he 's got , but it sounds like what Baby Girl had last week , except with the throwing up . Everyone keep your fingers crossed that Bug gets better soon and that I don 't get sick this week . Tomorrow I 'm going to see Celtic Woman at the arena and I don 't really want to miss it . I 'm worried about my dog , Grace , this morning . She 's been acting a little off since yesterday afternoon . She peed and then " peed " like 4 more times but came up empty . She ate fine yesterday and was drinking as far as I know . She was fine all night , and went to the bathroom no problem before bed . This morning she went fine and then when I fed her she didn 't want to eat . She NEVER turns her nose up at food . She eats anything and everything . I 've recently switched her to soft canned food as she 's been loosing teeth ( her teeth were bad when we got her and nothing helps ) . I checked the food and it 's not part of the recalled food from March . Her nose is cold and wet so I don 't know what 's up with her . I plan to keep an eye on her today . Maybe she 's just having an off day and I 'm overreacting about the peeing thing . I know the other day I kept feeling like I had to pee even when I went and I 've had days where I 'm not hungry . I just hope that nothing is seriously wrong . I don 't think we can afford to have anymore medical bills for her . She 's already cost us 3 grand with her broken leg in November . |
I gaze in the mirror and my eyes look weary . I am very tired . I see the creases that time has etched in the skin of my face . I remember when it was once young and my skin was silky and smooth . There is no longer a bloom to my cheeks and sparkle to my eye . I take a deep breath and feel tired . I really do understand what the doctors said . There are many things in life that I ponder , some that I regret , and many that grieve me , but I understood what they said . It is not that I am in denial or do not believe them . He was kind but honest when he told me I would die . . . He had tears in his eyes . I believe him . I felt helpless and frustrated and a strong desire to hold on . I felt angry and afraid . I needed to hold on to life . I needed to hold on to those that I love . I needed to hold on to hope . I decided that even if the doctors were right , well , It was not going to be today . That would be my new motto . Not today . If the time came that I was wrong , it would make no difference because if the subject was the day I would die . Then the answer was . . . Not Today . I lived desiring to help others and make a difference . I wanted to reach out . I believed that if you help even one person you made a difference . Time has passed so swiftly . In many ways I feel that life has passed me by . I want to live . I don 't want to just be alive . I want to live ! I want to look for the beauty in the world around me . I can 't stand the thought of leaving those that I love . I need to be here to help them and share the wonders life has in store , and comfort them in their times of need . I want so many things but I am becoming so tired . It is harder now to see the future as unending . I often feel so alone . In a crowd of people I am still alone . Only I can tread the last path I have to tread , alone , except I will never really be alone . I have my faith and I believe with all my heart that God will lead me home when the time comes . Years ago , the thought of a home in Heaven with no pain or worries or suffering or confusion was such a comfort . It still is . . . but not for today . I know it is coming and I still have so much more I need and want to do . I am so tired all of the time . I need to get going . I do not want to give up . I believe what the doctors said - - but , it is not today . I have so much more that I want to do . I am not finished . My time will eventually come , just not , Please Lord , not today . . . Linda Nance . . . Before Kara could answer , the phone rang again . " Hello . Hello . Why do you keep calling ? " The phone was silent . Kara became angry each time it occurred , but it also made her afraid as she wondered who it was and why they would keep calling . " How often do you get those calls ? " Amanda looked concerned . " We get them all the time , and they never say anything . Dad called and reported them , but we were told prank calls are common and to ignore them . They don 't care . " The phone rang again . A deep raspy voice whispered , " Kara , I know you . I really know you , so very , very well . I watch you all the time , but you never see me . I 'm right here . Kara , do you hear me ? I watch you all the time . " Kara felt both anger and fear . " I hear you just fine . Who the Hell is this ? " The silence on the phone seemed thick in the air . She tried again . " You call all the time and never have anything to say . Don 't you have a life of your own , or do you just get your kicks this way ? " " I get my kicks all right . I just never had this kind of opportunity before . Mommy and Daddy are gone . I have my beautiful Kara and she brought me a bonus of another girl that 's just as sweet and tasty . " Kara felt fear that causes her to tremble , but would not let him know it . " Forget you . Why don 't you go and get a life and leave me alone ? " " Oh , sweet Kara , you are alone . Your little friend is just a bonus . You 're all alone , and you 're all mine . I 'm right here . I watch you all the time . " Kara slammed the phone down . Her face had turned an ashen shade of gray , and her hand trembled . " It 's that damned prank phone caller again . Screw him . We 'll watch our movies and still have fun . " As he spoke , she closed the curtains . Kara needed to settle her nerves . She went to the kitchen to check the pizza . She had forgotten to turn on the oven . She turned the knob to 425 degrees , and went back to her friend in the living room . " Before we get started with this movie , maybe you need to tell me what 's really going on . " Amanda stared at the telephone in the living room . When you were on the phone you actually went pale and I saw the way your hand shook . She seemed to have forgotten all about the boys . Kara told her friend all she knew of the phone calls . Never before had the caller spoken . Kara 's stomach felt like it had a knot in it and her hands were clammy . She thought it best to be honest with Amanda . Maybe the phone calls were nothing and they would have fun like they planned . Kara did not feel fun at all . She felt cold . The sound of his voice , and what he had said , left a fear like none she had ever known . She spoke honestly with Amanda about the calls , and what he said . Amanda was petrified . " What the hell are we supposed to do now . Your parents want you safe and sound , but this ain 't it . Even they 'd want us to have help , if we needed it . This ain 't no party situation . This is down right weird . Damn , I hope the boys get here soon . I hate to say it , but if I do get them on the phone , I 'm not telling them not to come , I 'm asking why they aren 't here now ? " What the hell is going on here , and how do you live like this ? This is supposed to be a fun weekend , and now it 's scare the shit out of us time ? " Kara felt like stone . She had never felt like this . She wanted to be all grown up , but what was all grown up ? Before she could answer , the phone rang again . " Thought you had help coming , huh ? Maybe they were a surprise ? They were surprised all right . One came up to the house . HAs she came to , another young man was there , sitting on the steps sobbing and shaking . " Why the hell did you shoot him ? We were just playing a joke We found the back door unlocked . You didn 't have to shoot him . . . You really shot him . . . How could you … " A mist rolled in with the cool night air . The lights from the patrol car flashed , lighting the gruesome scene . I need to know what all happened here tonight . " The officer was talking to Kara . When he arrive he found her still on the floor of the living room struggling to get up . Amanda had hysterically cradled her boyfriend in her arms and was talking to him . " It 's gonna be O . K …… Every thing will be fine … . . . We 'll get help …… It was a mistake …… I 've got you …… it 's going to be all right … . . You 'll be just fine … . I 've got you now … . . " Kara did not move or speak , then slowly as she blinked her eyes she seemed to come back from whatever far place the shock and terror had sent her . His radio began in that squawking sound they have . He held a brief conversation , then returned to the girls . Neither had moved or said a word . " Where are your parents . We need to get them here , now . " Amanda seemed to not hear him and continued her repeated phrases to the young man she held in her arms as she sat in the floor beside him . Kara spoke slowly and softly . " My uncle lives a couple of miles down the road , and my parents are out of town . " She gave him the phone number of the uncle and waited as he called from his cell phone . The officer gently led Kara out to the other officers that had arrived . He gently convinced Amanda to come with him outside . He promised they would take good care of her friend . With every step she took , the reality of the situation seemed to become more and more real . The sobs and gasping breaths Amanda took shook her violently . Kara 's parents were called , as well as Amanda 's . Kara 's Uncle John slid to a stop in the drive , jumped out and circled Kara in his arms . She began again to cry clutching to the front of his shirt . " I didn 't know . I thought … . Help him … . Help me … . " Her knees buckled and she sank sobbing to the soft and dewy grass at his feet . It seemed like forever before the police had completed their questions and investigation , and removed the body of the young man named Steven . Statements were taken from Kara , Amanda , and Mike as best they could , in the condition the young people were in . When the house was being checked the officer saw the shards of broken glass from an iced tea pitcher in the floor of the kitchen with a big yellow cat sitting peacefully beside it cleaning one paw lazily . Mike adamantly maintained that neither he , nor his friend Steven had made any phone calls to scarethe girls . The sheriff found no cell phone they could have used on them , or in the pickup truck they had driven . The back door had signs of having been forced open , but Mike swore they had found it that way . A lot of questions had no answers . Kara went to stay with her Uncle until her parents could return later that night . Amanda left with her parents , still sobbing . After everyone had left and the house stood empty , the only sound was the ringing of the phone . Kara and Amanda got off the school bus at the end of Kara 's driveway . Kara had lived in the country all of her fifteen years and loved the woods and wildlife . Her driveway curved nearly a quarter of a mile with trees and wooded area on both sides . Kara had never stayed home alone and she would have the house to herself for the weekend . Her parents had gone to help her great aunt Mary who had just been released from the hospital after a fall had broken her hip . They 'd had discussions about Kara staying by herself and explained they had no reservations trusting her judgment or deportment , but worried as parents do , about their little girl being alone . She explained she was not a little girl and could handle anything while they were gone . Kara mentioned that maybe a friend could stay with her . At lunch the next day Kara mentioned to her best friend Theresa the idea of a weekend of movies at the house , but Theresa was leaving town with her family . Amanda was sitting nearby and exclaimed she would love to do something like that . Both girls were sure they would have a great time . Amanda had wanted to invite some boys they knew from school and have a real party . Kara was firm as she explained what the weekend was she had planned . Amanda relented and promised Kara she would tell no one they were alone , or invite them to visit . She had her backpack stuffed with clothes she could never wear at school , school books , and several movies . Amanda had packed several changes of clothes including a black silky blouse with a shockingly low neckline and tight - fitting hip hugger pants to match . " How far is it ? We 've been walking forever . " Amanda said . Kara laughed . " We 're almost there . " They rounded the curve in the driveway and saw the two - story old farm house she had known as home all her life , surrounded by trees of crimson red , brilliant yellows , russet and various muted shades of green , lit in the setting sun . Amanda stopped . " Check out all the mums your mom grows . " Kara laughed and agreed with her as they hopThe girls left the large living room they had entered by the front door , to a small hall leading from the living room to a bedroom and bathroom . They went back through the living room to a dining room complete with fireplace and French doors leading out onto the side porch . Behind the dining room they went to the large , friendly kitchen . It was in the kitchen most meals were eaten and many happy hours of visiting took place . At the back of the kitchen was a door leading outside , and the door to the basement . The upstairs of the house had two large bedrooms and a connecting bathroom . Kara 's room had a cheerful look with light rose colors and matching bedspread and curtains . Amanda complimented the heavy old antique desk and dresser in the room . Kara explained she loved those pieces not only for how they looked , but because they had belonged to her grandmother . They glanced in the parents ' room as they continued . " That 's a lot of guns in there . Does your father hunt or what ? Amanda said . " Dad loves to hunt and some of them belonged to his father . Grandpa passed away last year and they are keepsakes for Dad . " Kara led the way down the stairs . At the base of the stairs sat a large mixed breed , fluffy , yellow cat cleaning one paw . He stood and walked to Kara rubbing against her leg at the base of the stairs . " This is Tom . He thinks he 's king around here , and we let him . Hope you like cats ? " Amanda stooped and gently petted the big , old yellow cat as he arched his back appreciating the attention . " I like cats just fine . " Darkness came quickly in the Autumn of the year . Kara noticed the yard was already in shadows , and began to check and make sure all of the doors and windows were locked . Amanda saw her checking the back door , and grabbed her arm . " What are you doing ? You live so far back in the country that no one could find you , let alone try to break in . If you lock all the doors and we have some surprise company , they might feel unwelcome , " She said with a giggle . Kara did not miss the lookPosted by She was accused as a witch . Perhaps she was , because the story of Mercy , as created by Susan Meissner , will undoubtedly enchant all those that hear her story . . . But as discovered , her tale is not one of evil but of something much more powerful . Could there even be an element of truth ? It is not really important to know for sure , at least not for me . My role is only to tell you that I highly recommend , and perhaps more , urge you to read and see how you may be affected by this haunting novel . Mercy was a writer , a dream of fantasy - - of imagination . She lived during the Salem Witch trials . It was her fantasies that were used to accuse and convict her ultimately . We all know , however , that this time in our history was full of lies and all the ugly sins of a world of " proper religion " - - jealousy , envy , and perhaps the worst , ignorance . Although we will never enjoy Mercy 's stories , we do have the opportunity to read her diary . It has been handed down generation after generation . Now the last of her family has no daughter to whom she can entrust the treasured words . Readers are given the privilege of reading Mercy 's diary as it is translated by Lauren . Her words will take you back to the horrors of mostly women being randomly selected to be accused of witchcraft . Randomly ? Of course , because the choice was based upon whoever and whenever one of those who would accuse became vocal enough to publicly point a finger at another and begin their fanciful lies and accusations of witchcraft . But most of the diary shares Mercy 's life at that time , taking care of her elderly and ill father , as well as their gardening , their farm animals . It also tells a little about the stories she wrote and we learn that only one boy , a neighbor had been told during their childhood of her stories . And we watch as the two fall in love . Lauren , on the other hand , is in college , trying to find her own life to live , not yet satisfied that she can meet the requirements she feels her parents have for her future . She meets Mercy and becomes lost in her life , knowing what she will face when she is accused by her peers . . . Empathizing ? She also grows closer and begins to care deeply for Abigail , wanting to know more about her past and wondering how she has come to act and feel as she now does . Sympathizing ? How will The Shape of Mercy affect you ? I am only sure of one thing . As a woman , you will find yourself somewhere in this book . Men will seek the woman who speaks to them , helping them to understand the women in their own lives . An especially important scene between Lauren and her father later in the book shows that many times , we have no real understanding of how another feels . . . This book will help readers find , perhaps , the quality of mercy , flowing deeply and throughout . A truly wonderful book . What a Fun Read ! Time stood still while I read California Schemin ' in one sitting ! No doubt about it , Bree MacGowan is a fantastic , fun force to be around . This main character grabs you and pulls you into action after action barely giving you time to breathe . But when she does , she forces you to begin to love her with her love for her animals and her family . I thoroughly enjoyed my time and look forward to meeting her again in this series ! There was no hesitation , Bree went into the water to hopefully save the individual and worked to pull the woman to shore . She could still be alive , but when the blood flowed and Bree saw the bullet , she knew there was no chance for survival . She called the police on her cell and began the wait . . . Bree was in California living with her lover while he worked . She was a reporter from Vermont and had realized that she was getting homesick . But , for now , she was called back to the present as she heard noises in the bushes surrounding her and the waiting body . A bear came roaming through . . . Fortunately , the bear and man ran and the police were soon there , immediately working their way to the body for their initial review . As Bree described what she had seen , she mentioned taking pictures as the reason for being there . Soon her latest pictures were turned over . Actually , Bree had seen little and knew nothing of help ; however , that didn 't mean that the individuals who had killed the woman would realize that or , more importantly , accept that . Soon Bree was the prey and we follow her as she goes home ( by way of Virginia , which was to be her destination for purposes of records ) only to be abducted once she finally got to Vermont . The fun part of the book is how often and how quickly Bree is in the midst of " escape . " Sometimes she escapes from protective custody , sometimes she escapes from those actually after her , and sometimes she escapes from the Feds . Let 's just say that this is one gal that does not stay where she is told to stay or do what she is told to do . The result for readers is hilarious cat - and - mouse adventure . I especially liked the shape - shifting alien who was one of the individuals following Bree . She was so outlandish in her disguises , but would openly talk to Bree about what she was going to look like next . Okay , weirdly funny . . . As she realizes who is probably behind the murder , even if maybe not the guilty party , she is threatened , bribed , and , of course , forced to escape time after time . Even if she 's beginning to like the looks of one of her captors and thinks the other is a cuddly bear . Really . As I read this book , there were tornado warnings . . . and actual happenings surrounding my area . Bree may not have destroyed homes , trees and cars like the real one did . But when you read California Schemin ' you may also begin to think of Bree as a tiny tornado ! I loved the book and am looking forward to much more in this new series . Many years ago we went on a family vacation . One of the things I enjoyed was riding on a real old time steam engine . There is a place in northern Arkansas where you can ride the train . It is now used to give tourist the opportunity to experience the sights , sounds , and feelings from the past and occasionally when they make certain movies . The years had passed , but I still had the little camera and used it to take many memorable pictures for me and my family . This trip was filled with wonderful moments shared with not only my children but parents and Grandfather . He was an amazing man of heart , soul , and a gift of sharing with others . Riding on an old fashioned steam engine train brought back memories for him and he began to share the tales from the past . They already had a man who told interesting facts about many things including the train . The shock and amazement on his face would have made a fantastic picture but I was also too shocked to quickly focus and click . . . The seats were all facing the front of the train . He slid his hand down touching the ornate bracket on the seat , asked me to stand for a moment and like magic the seat back rotated to face the opposite direction . I thought he had broken the antique seat as did the tour narrator judging by the expression on his face . Grandpa laughed and explained that many of the runs went from town to town and back in those days . They did not want to try to turn every car around for the return trip and the people would not want to ride facing backwards . The hinged seats were the answer . He went on to explain about many things he remembered as a very young child . Everyone in the passenger car listened and was smiling as he shared the memories of the past . You could almost see the little boy who had gone with his father , the conductor . It was a day filled with wonder and shared memories . Of all the pictures there is one that I would like to share . At one point I went to the back of the train and stood on the little area at the back of the caboose . I took my picture as the track faded into the distance . I could almost hear and feel the time fade into the past and hear the echoes of the stories I had heard from my grandfather and great - grandfather . You see , Bailey Ruth is a ghost , although in Heavenly terms , the word ghost is never used . But , as you will see , Bailey Ruth does not always follow the precepts given to her by which she can work . Still , she gets the job done . The job ? Bailey Ruth is routinely sent back to earth whenever there is a problem in her hometown of Adelaide ( where she lived on earth , of course ) . But who knew Kay would now be living by a married name and that she was formerly known by Bailey . Needless to say , neither was thrilled to be meeting like this , especially since Bailey Ruth had chosen to live her life in Heaven as she was when 27 - - young and beautiful and full of life . And Kay was now in her 50s . And what was worse , Kay couldn 't believe that a ghost had come to help her ! But after they became reacquainted , Kay was willing to share that she thought that one of the Hume sons , with whom she had been close , had been murdered . Tarryn was now called " The Numbers Killer " based upon his deciding to place a number on the body of those he had killed . It was somewhat paradoxical that he both wanted to be recognized but he didn 't want to be compared to a specific " mo " which would allow the usual psychological evaluation to be done and allow the police to create his profile , to know what to expect . He didn 't care what he used , he had no ritual , for there was really no reason for him to kill , except for one . . . As he had lived and enjoyed a wonderful childhood with his mother , he was taught and participated in poring over books , news media accounts , and long discussions on the specific actions of known serial killers , Ted Bundy , being his mother 's favorite . . . As do many women , she even wrote many letters to him and carried on a mail relationship until he was killed . For much of her life , she was also into drugs , and upon his death , went even deeper . Just a normal life for a child to live . And then he met Carmen . She would be even more special than he could ever have imagined . He discovered that she was going to commit suicide . . . What better way to celebrate than to persuade her back from the brink of death , make her want to live . . . and then . . . Readers move deeply into two unique lives - - a man who kills for the pleasurable feedback and attention he might get , and a woman who has led a life , trying to make the right decisions , but always seeming to meet the wrong people and make the wrong choices . Tarryn had never had any problem in seducing women to become interested in him and Carmen perhaps needed his attention too much at the point where she was . They went for coffee in the morning and talked and shared . And , if perhaps , Carmen became a little too involved with him , he was not surprised , after all , that was his plan ! The problem was that Tarryn had many conflicting reactions . . . his first thoughts . . . Kill Her . . . Kill Her . . . Then sometimes it was Kiss Her . . . Kill her . Only to be followed angrily with Kill Her , Kill Her , Kill Her , Kiss Her . . . Dewar takes readers deep . Much of the book reads like a True Crime Book of facts , stating how each of the individuals got where they were that day - - Tarryn describing his kills , Carmen describing her married life . As the time for Tarryn comes to act , he moves swiftly and readers are caught moving to the edge of their seats as pages move faster and tension mounts . Uniquely written , Dewar took me where I had never been before . . . Fans of True Crime and serial killer fiction , and TV shows such as Criminal Minds will find this book strangely compelling . Book Received Image via CrunchBaseThe finalists for the 2011 Children 's Choice Book Awards were just announced . I 'm excited to say that books written by four of JacketFlap 's members are among the finalists ! Please join me in congratulating the four finalists by clicking their names below and leaving a congratulations comment on their profiles : Voting for the finalists is now open . Children and teens will be able to cast their votes for their favorite books , author , and illustrator at bookstores , school libraries , and at the Book Week website ( BookWeekOnline . com ) until Friday , April 29 , 2011 . More than 15 , 000 child ren and teens from around the US spent months reading and evaluating books submitted by publishers to select the finalists in the Book of the Year categories ; the Favorite Author and Illustrator finalists were selected by the Children 's Book Council from an evaluation of best - seller lists . The winner in each category will be named at a gala celebration on May 2 , 2011 , hosted by 2010 3rd - 4th Grade Book of the Year winner Jarrett Krosoczka , at The Lighthouse in New York City , as part of Children 's Book Week ( May 2 - 8 , 2011 ) , the oldest national literacy initiative in the United States . Please spread the word to children and teens so they can vote . Remember , voting ends April 29 , 2011 ! The full list of award finalists are listed below . 6 / 17 Just saw your review on Amazon and then visited your site . Holy Smoke ! As usual , I was amazed atwhat a fabulous job you did , reviewing the book and adding in all that related material . I was particularly thrilled that you includedthe book trailer I put on youtube . Youadding it to your review made me veryhappy . In fact , I had a big smile on myface the whole time I looked at what you 'd done . I even listened to the violin concerto and watched the video of Dog Hill . Every year it gets harder and harder tobring a new book to the attention of potential readers . I consider myself extremelyfortunate to have you as an ally in that endeavor . Thank you so much for all youdo for me and for other writers . There 's no - one else like you . And that 's no exaggeration . With profound gratitude , I remain , Your Friend , DonThank you . Your commitment to your craft is wonderful . Whether it 's one star or 5 , your reviews are detailed , considerate , and most of all , beneficial to the prospective reader . What an amazing presentation . Stellar . I never expected anything like that . Do you have a separate link that I can share ? I 'd love to post this everywhere I can . You did such a fabulous job . cheers ConnieThank you so much for your glowing review of my new book . Your review really highlighted all the things that I try to incorporate in my books - they 're the very things I want as a reader . I 'm nearly finished writing the next book in the series - Walker and Munoz are back , and interestingly as you referenced in your review , this time it 's personal . Again , thank you . I 'd read your amazing review before I looked at my Facebook page and was blessed . Hitting the link you posted , I was surprised for few would have gone to so much trouble , fewer still know that Lauren Bacall ( born Betty Joan Perske ) was Sephardic and bequeathed a large amount of primary source information about the Sephardim to a university , which I was able to view online when corroborating Naomi 's story . Your review stands as one of the highlights of this profoundly dyslectic authors Blog Archive |
Margret Watkins was born 10 September 1816 in Merthyr - Tydfil . She is believed to be the second of 5 children born to Thomas and Margret Watkins . We really do not know a whole lot about Thomas and Margret Watkins . A number of stories have survived which are shared below . David Jordan was born 7 February 1820 in Merthry - Tydfil . He is the first of four known children born to Benjamin and Mary Jordan . Just like Margret 's parents , we really do not know much about this family . At least minimal family history dates or stories have come down regarding either line . Benjamin and Mary Jordan " were of a religious turn of mind and taught the Bible when he was just a boy , refined and of a gentle manner . " Mary Jordan passed away in April 1843 when the family was still young . The family consisted of David , Jane , Sarah , and John . The Jordans were " a very refined and considered High Class people and of a high moral and religious character . They were always proud of their personal appearance , always well dressed . " The brothers were " devoted brothers , they lived and worked together with kind and friendly for each other . When David and Margaret had children they all lived as a loving family together … this brother was named John Jordan . " We really do not know anything of the Courtship between David Jordan and Margret Watkins . " At this times Wales was in a prosperous condition and David and Margret were soon settled in which was very comfortable and spacious . They had an extra room so that his father and one brother could live with them in their home . His father lived only two weeks , when he died . His brother continued to live with David and his wife . " " Margret ( Watkins ) Jordan lost her mother when she was very young , leaving her father with a family of small children . While the family was without the mother 's care , Margret met with an accident which left her with a crippled arm for the rest of her life . This happened when she was about 2 years old … when her sister was carrying her on her back , when she slipped and fell . Margret cried for days from pain before they learned that she had a broken arm at the elbow . It had already started to set , it had been so long since it happened that they thought the child could not stand to have it rebroken and set properly , so it was never properly taken care of . " " When Margret was still in her teens and because of her crippled arm , she was apprenticed in a school for sewing . The sewing at that time was all done by hand , they had no sewing machines . Margret took to that kind of work very readily and was very satisfied to become a very good seamstress , while still a very young woman . She was able to construct some of the finest work in the area . " " Margret had a blind brother who learned to play the harp . He was often requested to play , to entertain for groups at entertainments . He carried his harp with him everywhere he went . He was employed to play at different places and went alone to his employment places with his harp . He became very popular and was loved by all his friends and family . " " David and Margret were among the very first in their area to embrace [ T ] he Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . They were baptized [ 18 January 1849 ] . Their children all grew up in the church . " At this time there was a large branch of the Mormon church in their area of Wales . " Their family was very faithful and devoted to their new church . David was a good singer and also a composer and poet . " He composed a number of beautiful poems . One song was in honor of the Prophet Joseph Smith . " As children , we remember hearing him sing this beautiful song , the music was very sweet and the words were all in Welsh . We only understood it in part , but there was just something about the song that touched us very deeply . " " David was a coal miner . He and his brother went to work every day in the coal mines . They were paid good wages at the time , so they did very well economically . " " One day David 's shift in the mine interfered with his Priesthood meeting so he traded shifts with a friend of his . He was the secretary of his group and felt like he should attend his Priesthood meeting . Grandmother Margret told us that she remembers the incident very well . It was a beautiful day and all was peaceful and calm . Then at 9 : 30 am word came there had been an explosion in the mine . People rushed to the place and it was soon learned that a large number of miners had lost their lives in the explosion and among them was David 's friend who was working in his place . This was a great sorrow for David . He loved this man very much and he was there instead of David . " " As time went on , conditions changed . Little by little the miner 's wages were reduced causing hard times . Then there were strikes putting them out of work entirely for months . " " Their two girls had by now grown into their teens . They found employment and became independent . There was also two little boys in the family . " These two boys would have been David and Thomas . " Margret now returned to her sewing again to support the family during the hard times . In a few years , the two girls got married and came to Utah , leaving their parents and the two brothers in Wales . This happened in 1864 . " " David and Margret had now been members of the LDS church for 20 years . They were however very happy and contented until their daughters left for America . They were also making every effort to join their daughters in Utah . " Then they were made very sad by the death of their youngest son . He was 11 years old . Many of the members of their church had gone to Utah and they were feeling lonesome and sad . " David Moiah Jordan died 14 October 1865 . " It was now 9 years since their two daughters had gone to Utah . One day the Elders called on them and told them that the next ship would sail in three weeks . They counted their money which they had saved and it was not enough . So they decided that they would have to wait for a later sailing date , until they could accumulate some more funds . " " After a lazy and weary journey crossing the Atlantic Ocean , they landed in New York City , on the 13th of August 1872 and remained in New York with their 15 year old son . They found employment and remained there until October . They received a letter from their 2 daughters containing money for them to continue to Utah . Some of the money came from their daughter Mary 's husband , who sold his team of horses to get the money to send to them . " " Their daughter Mary and her husband William Evans were living in their two room log cabin at 1st East and 3rd South , just one half block south of the First Ward Meetinghouse . They had 4 children by now , Margret , Mary Jane , Martha , and Abraham , who was just one week old when their grandparents arrived in Brigham City from Wales . These newly arrived grandparents remained with William and Mary and their 4 children in their small home the rest of the winter of 1872 . " " Two years later , William Evans purchased another house on a large lot . The house had 4 rooms in the Third Ward at the corner of 3rd West and 3rd North . It was on the northwest corner of the intersection . When they moved into the bigger house with their 4 children , they sold the old house to David and Margret who lived in their log home for the rest of their lives . " " However , the winter came and there was no work to be had for them . Their son Thomas decided to go to Evanston , Wyoming to work , putting up ice , and they had some relatives . He obtained employment in one of the coal mines near by . He was doing well and was very happy there with the thought that he would be able to help his parents with their new home building . " " Their sorrow over the loss of their son weighed so heavily upon them that it changed their life 's hopes for the future . However , their faith and convictions in the gospel and the LDS Church which they accepted in Wales ; and the trust in their Heavenly Father never failed them . Faithfully they continued to attend all their church duties and their testimonies grew and were wonderful to hear them speak . " David and Margret were sealed to all their children in the Logan Temple 27 June 1888 . Gwenlliam and Mary were both happy to be physically present for the occasion . All of the other children had passed away prior . " Grandfather David Jordan 's life came to a peaceful end November 26 , 1893 in Brigham City , Utah . So peaceful and sweet was his passing away that our family can be proud of that dear old Grand Sire . He was the first fruits of the gospel in our family . " A side note at the end of the above : " This was written by granddaughter Martha Evans . This story was copied from a note book , in the hand writing of Martha Evans . " " It is probably a repetition of the story I have previously translated from his hand - written record that I have previously had translated and distributed some years ago . However , I am sure that it is more more in detail than the one I translated previously because there is much more of it . Yours truly , Wesley Anderson 10 May 1986 " This is the life history of Charles August Nuffer . He wrote this autobiography on 28 January 1949 . I have maintained the language and spellings of the original document . I also wrote a quick overview of his life previously . This is a brief history of the life of Charles August Nuffer , son of Johann Christopher Nuffer and Eva Katherina Greiner Nuffer . I was born June 18th 1871 in Neuffen , Wurtemberg , Germany . When about eight years old I remember going with my father and mother to a neighbor 's home where the Mormon Elders were holding a meeting , one was Elder John Theurer of Providence , Utah . Some week later , one morning on getting up the floor was all wet , I asked my mother why , all that she said was that they were baptized members of the Mormon Church last night in the Mill Race back of our house . It was not long after when they began to make arrangements to emigrate to America . After they had sold their home and land to get money for the voyage except what they could take with them , and that was not very much , they still had to borrow a few hundred dollars before they could go . They borrowed this money from the Schweitzer family that had also joined the Church , and came on the same ship with us , also the Lalatin family that had become members of the Church . So in the month of May 1880 they all bid farewell to friends and the land of their birth for the Gospel 's sake , and set sail on the steamer Wisconsin , for New York , U . S . A . ( Early in the morning before daylight we left home in a covered wagon for the City of Stuttgart . I was carried in some bedding as I was sick with the measles and was not well enough to walk . From Stuttgart we went to Manheim and from there by boat on the Rhine to Holland and over the North Sea to London , where everybody was sick the next morning but myself , I think I was just getting over the measles . ) The first place we came to was called Castle Garden where all our belongings were examined . They also gave all the emigrants a little book , the New Testament to take along free . In those days most of the streets of New York were paved with cobble rock . After a few days rest we went by train to Collinston . Arriving in Logan we were taken by a family of Saints that gave us food and lodging for about three weeks by the name of Shaggo in North Logan . After three weeks we found a little old log house with one room and a dirt roof and plenty of bed bugs to keep us company . It was on a vacant lot on the street going to the College just east of the canal . We lived there about a month , as father bought a house and lot of Jacob Engle , full of cobble rock where we intended to make a living but we found it hard going . The house was built of small cobble stone and in the winter at night the walls would get all white with frost . Father would go out where ever he could get some work , he worked on the threshing machines and I went with him to help and he got a bushel of wheat a day . Grandma Spring , Regine and I went out in the north field to glean wheat , we would cut the heads off and put them in a sack . Father threshed them out with the flail and it made about sixteen bushels , so about all father could do is to earn for us so that we could have something to eat while John and Fred were earning money to pay for the place . When we arrived in Providence the potatoes were in full bloom on the lot which looked good , at least we would have potatoes to eat . We had to get the wood from the hills near by . They had bought a team and an old wagon so we went to get some wood . Father told me to drive , as I drove out the gate and over a little ditch the tongue dropped down and the reach came up and the team ran away and I fell under the horses feet . I received a broken shoulder and the horses ran around the block and back in the gate , my first time driving a team , at ten years old . I was baptized when I was 9 years old by Mr . Campbell the grandfather of Mrs . C . M Crabtree of this ward . My sister Mary was born here October 11 , 1881 . She died in Mapleton , Idaho , October 5 , 1900 . I look back to my young days while living in Providence , and I still have many friends there , but my parents had to look forward to some other place for our future and to find the place for our life 's mission . It seems the Lord prepared the way . One of our neighbors , a German family had a daughter married to John Miles who was living at Wormcreek and she wanted him to move to Providence where her mother lived so we traded places . We lived in Providence from June 1880 until October 1883 . So from here we go to Idaho the place the Lord had chosen for us to build our future home . We loaded what we could on our wagon and Mr . Miles the rest on his as he helped us move and all together it was not very much , but it was all the poor teams could pull over the kind of roads there were at that time . On arriving at Wormcreek we found a place with a house on it , a log house about 14 by 16 feet , all one room , with dirt floor , no fence around it and no plowed land , and when it rained the mud would run down the walls and we had to set pans on the bed to catch the rain . Father , Mother , Regine , Adolph , Mary and I lived there then . Fred was out in Oregon but he came later that fall with two big horses and John was working in Logan , I think with Mr . Summers . During the winter John rode the biggest horse to Providence as he was going with Louise Zollinger whom he later married . The horse got warmed up too much and got a sore leg and they finally had to shoot him . John and Fred were in Providence most of that winter as their grandmother lived there and Fred was going with Anna Rinderknecht . As we did not have much hay we bought two stacks of straw from Jap Hoarn and Tom Miles , the first lived in Richmond and the other in Smithfield as they were only on their farms in the summer . The snow as so deep Regine and I filled some big sacks we had brought from the Old Country with straw and tied on the hand sled and pulled it over the rested snow for home . The Miles were the only family that were living on the Creek besides us on what is now known as the Webster Ranch , and we lived on what is now known as the Fred Wanner Place . The Miles Family ran out of feed for their cattle so in March they shoveled a path over to the south side of the hills where the wind and sun had taken the snow off the grass and it had started to grow . When they drove the cattle through the path you could not see them because the snow was so deep . So with the help of the Lord we pulled through the Winter of 1884 . In the Spring John and Fred came back and began to fence and plow the land and plant crops . Later John went over to Oxford to the Land Office to file on the land for himself as he had helped most to pay for the home in Providence . As father wanted a homestead of his own , one Spring day it was on the first of May he sent over the divide between Worm creek and Cub River to find a place where he could make a home for the rest of the family . When he returned he said that no one had gone over there before him that spring , as the snow had not melted yet . That was in the spring of 1885 , so during that summer John and Fred were raising the crops and helped father build a log house and we put in some crops so we have something to eat for the winter . As we did not have much of a team they had Joe Nilsen come up from Preston to plow some along the Creek , he had a big team and a sulky plow . But that was not all , we had to fight squirrels and grasshoppers . What we raised that summer had to see us through the Winter , and it was not any too much . Fred went up Wormcreek and got some logs and had them sawed at the Moorhead and Thomas Sawmill on the Cub River . But we found that there was only enough for the roof and none for the floor and ceiling . They had lumber at the sawmill but they would sell us any for wheat and the store in Franklin did not pay cash for it . Father had already laid some logs down to put the floor on so we just had to step over them all winter but maybe it was a good thing as we got the warmth from the earth as we only had a lumber roof over us 14 feet to the top and just a four hole cook stove to warm the house and wood to burn , and it was not all dry . Still we were happy and thanked the Lord for what we had . Mother would read a chapter from the Bible , we would have prayer and we would go to bed early . ( Clayborn Moorhead told me some years later that Joseph Thomas intended to take up my Father 's Homestead but he was not old enough then so my father was first . He said those Germans can 't make a living there , they will starve to death and I will get the land anyway . But , I think he did not know as much as he thought , he didn 't know we had put our trust in God . ) On Christmas Day 1884 Father sent me over to John 's ( Grandma Spring was keeping house for him that winter ) , after twenty - five pounds of flour . The snow as up to my knees . After that flour was gone we had to grind the wheat in the coffee mill as no one went to the store anymore that winter until Father and I each carried a basket of eggs to the store in Franklin on the 2nd of March , over two feet of : frozen snow to buy some groceries . We could not busy much as we had no money . Mother raised some sugar beets in the garden , as we had no sugar she but some beets in the oven and baked them and put them in a cloth to get some syrup to make her yeast . She cut some up in little squares and browned them in the oven and ground them up to make coffee . Mother would also put the wheat in the oven to dry and brown it just a little so it would grind better and we used it for bread and mush . Finally the cow went dry so we had no milk for some time and no sugar , but we got through the winter without any sickness . We thanked our Heavenly Father for what we had and lived by faith in our Heavenly Father as we had no Church organization of any kind at that time there . When I was going on 21 years of age I was looking for a homestead to file on . East of my father 's place , about 40 rods from our house in a hollow there was a nice little spring by a service berry bush coming out of a sandstone formation , where I decided to make my home . Not being of age to take up land , I moved a little log building with a dirt roof on it , that my father had used for a granary , onto the land . I had a bed in it and would sleep there some nights . I prayed to the Lord that he would protect it for me , that no one would file on it as I was not yet twenty - one , and not old enough to take up land . There was a man by the name of George Kent , down on the river . His wife told me there was a relative of theirs in Lewiston , Clyde Kent , who was going to jump that land , as they called it those days . I told them that I did not believe he would be that mean . I wanted to start life for myself as soon as I was 21 . So on June 17 , 1893 , I was on my way to Blackfoot , Idaho by train in company of John McDonald , whose fare I paid to Blackfoot , and return as a witness for me as to my age . There was no bridge across Bear River to Dayton at that time . We stopped at Pocatello over night ; it was not much of a town at that time , mostly railroad shops and saloons . We arrived at Blackfoot on June 18th , on my 21st birthday to file on that homestead . When I told them at the land office of the land I wanted to take up , they told me there was a man there some months before , the man I spoke of . Not giving up hope altogether we looked over the plat , and I found there was 40 acres all to itself , not filed on . After looking things over for awhile I said to Mr . McDonald that is the land my cabin and the spring of water is on ; so I filed on it and returned home . Arriving on Sunday afternoon my mother said there was a man and his wife looking at your place , as they thought that I had lost out . My family with me felt to thank the Lord that I had a place to build my home on . As Fred and I started to quarry sandstone on my father 's place that fall , I hauled some sandstone in the Spring to build me a house , but during that winter 1893 , my mother came down with pneumonia and died within a week on the 26th of February 1893 . She was buried in the Preston Cemetery . She was about the 2nd or 3rd person buried there , as the new cemetery had been started that year . The following Spring the Wanner family came to Mapleton , from Germany , on my birthday June 18th , which was a Sunday . This was the first time that I had seen my life 's companion , as they came to my brother Fred 's place , where they lived until they found a home to live in . Christine was their oldest daughter and I fell in love with her at first sight . My sister Regine was home again from Montana , her husband had left her , she had a little girl Katy . Christine stayed with her until she went to Millville to work for the Pittgins family for about three months for seventy - five cents a week and her board and some old clothes . When she left they gave her $ 6 . 00 and she gave it to her father as he told her she had to earn some money yet before she got married . That fall as I started to haul stone to build a house , besides taking care of my father 's farm - Adolph helping me , as my father was away most of that summer to Bear Lake and other places , because he didn 't feel like staying home after Mother died . When he came back he brought with him Sister Weirman , and married her in the Logan Temple . Well , during this time I had started to build my house . We dug a hole in the ground and poured water in and mixed it . That was what we used to lay up the walls , and the house is still standing . By New Years the house was finished and cleaned , but we had no furniture or anything else to put in it , but still we made our arrangements to get married . We were baptized by Heber Taylor on 26 June 1894 in Cub River and confirmed by Edward Perkins at Mapleton on the 27 Jun 1894 . We were married 1st February 1894 in the Logan Temple by Marriner W . Merrill , president of the temple . ( Read Christina 's biography here . ) We made the trip by team and wagon , as there was no snow on the ground in the valley . We put our team in the Tithing Barn , as the Lalladine family were the caretakers . After returning from the temple , for supper we were invited by Charles O . Card at their home on depot street , as Mary Wagstaff 's mother 's sister was working at their home , and we spent our first night with them . He is the Card after which the city of Cardston , in Canada was named , as he later moved to Canada . As I have said before , after we got the house finished we had nothing to put in it and had no money to get married with , so I asked Grandpa Wanner if he would loan me $ 10 . 00 and I would pay him back when I raised a crop . He let me have the money with which we bought our marriage license , and a few dishes for the house . We borrowed a table and an old set of knives and forks from my sister Regina , as she did not need them at that time . We returned them again when she got married to George Wanner a year or so later . We paid Grandpa in seed grain the next fall with many thanks to him for his kindness . For our wedding present Grandpa and Grandma gave us a bedstead to sleep on , as we had no furniture . I nailed some boards together for a cupboard for dishes . Stepmother Weirman Nuffer made some of our temple clothes and the garments were made out of factory . She was helpful to us in many ways , so that was the beginning of our family life in a humble way and we were happy together . As Adolph was still at home , he and I ran my father 's farm , and I fenced my 40 acres , and started to plant some of it as fast as I could break it up . I helped Fred in the sandstone quarry to get a little money to buy a few things till we raised a crop . The Wanner family bought John 's place on Worm Creek for $ 2000 and became very successful farmers . From here on my main occupation was farming and quarrying sandstone . I cut grain with a binder for people in Mapleton at one dollar an acre . In the winter I worked with Fred on the Mink Creek Canal , blasting the rock with black and giant powder , making the canal from seven to ten feet wide . I worked out four hundred dollars in ditch stock and finally sold it for forty cents on the dollar . I received $ 1 . 50 a day in cash so that is all I got for my work , and we had to sleep in a tent in the wintertime and cook our meals but it build the canals so the people would get water for their land and could raise crops . When Fred moved to Preston I took over the stone quarry . I was also ditch rider for the Preston Cub River Canal for a number of years , making a trip a day while the canal was full , at a dollar a trip . While runnig the quarry I delivered stone for some of the Preston business buildings and for the Lewiston Meetinghouse . During this time we were also taking care of John and Fred 's grandmother for a number of years . As the family was getting larger I built another room on the house as mother was busy taking care of Grandma Spring , and John was going on a mission to Germany . They decided to send Grandma Spring to Blackfoot where she died a year of so later . I think it was in the year of 1897 , when Mother and I drove to Blackfoot with the team and buggy to take the rest of our homestead , that we had lost by that Mr . Kent beating me to it before I was of age . While at Blackfoot we called at the hospital to see Grandma Spring . They told us she had died before Christmas the year previous , and they had sent no word of her death to anyone . A few words more while at the land office it seems the Lord had always prepared the way for us . As we entered the land office the first person we met was President George Parkinson , who knew us well . Without his help our trip might have been in vain , as it was difficult to take up land when another party had filed on it . At the time we made this journey this was the frontier of the west . Where Downey is now there was not one hours and from Pocatello to Blackfoot was all desert , not a house , only the Indian Reservation . I carried my shotgun with us for safety . We could say much more , but it would take too long to tell it . From here on it made a lot of work ; to fence the land and break it up and get it ready to farm and to make a living for the family . From here on I will begin tow rite of some of my work in the Church for which we have left our native land . On April the 19th , 1896 the Stake Presidency , George Parkinson , Brother Cowley , Solomon Hale came to Glendale to form a German Organization , so we could hold meeting every two weeks , as there were many families Swiss and German that could not speak English . Addison Wagstaff was Ward Clerk and took the minutes . Brother Jacob I . Naef was chosen as President . It was not until 5 Jul 1896 that his counselors were chosen , Brother Jacob Schneider , first , Charles A . Nuffer second counselor . We held our meetings in the homes of the people on their farms and wherever they lived . They traveled with farm wagons a distance of20 miles one way to Mink Creek , Weston , Riverdale , Whitney , Treasureton , Mapleton , Preston and Glendale , there places were we held meetings . Some years later when Joseph Moser became President , I became one of his counselors , also brother Kern . After some years John asked to be released and I became President ofthe Branch on the 21st of March 1915 , with Brother Kern and Alma Moser as my counselors . During this time we held the meeting in the old tithing office , later in the new one at Preston , until the 13th of August 1916 , we held our last meeting . During the later part of the war some of the people of Preston made it very hot for the German speaking people yet most of them were Swiss , but that did not make any difference . So President Geddes came to me and asked me not to hold anymore meetings . After the war many of the German people had moved away so we never started to hold the meetings anymore , and I never was released to this day . That closes up this chapter of the German Saints of this part here , so I will go on to some of my other duties in the Church . Making in all twenty years that we held German Meetings with the people of Franklin Stake . Now going back to the year 1899 , when I ws called as second counselor to Bishop Edward Perkins in the Mapleton Ward . When Orron J . Merrill moved to Preston I took his place and his son Preston my place in the Bishopric . I was chairman of the School Board for six years , and Brother Merrill was the Clerk , and when he moved away his son was appointed in his place . While on the school board I had a schoolhouse built in the upper end of the District , with Harrison R . Merrill as the first teacher . That way the children of the upper end would not have to go so far to school . The children in the lower part of the Ward met in the old meeting house . While I was in the Bishopric Brother 0 . J . Merrill was the Ward Clerk and clerk of the school board . After his father moved to Preston , 0 . P . Merrill , his son , was the Ward Clerk and clerk of the School Board . Speaking of schools the first school that was held in Mapleton was in the winter of 1886 , when Bishop Perkins went to Lewiston to school . He let the people of the Ward have a school room so they all got together and employed Hirum Johnson as their teacher . All children from seven years up to thirty , married men and young ladies went to school there all in one room . Some came from Franklin and Nashsville . I was feeding cattle for Harrison Thomas that winter and lived with Olive Sweet , she had to board me as she was living in their house , and they paid $ 150 for my schooling and $ . 45 for a book . I had to chop all the wood for the family . I was fifteen years old . This school house which was built by the efforts of the people of the upper part of the District , was the first schoolhouse built in Mapleton Ward with H . R . Merrill as its first teacher . In 1899 in June I was ordained a High Priest by George Parkinson , President of the Oneida Stake , and we labored unitedly together in the Ward . Bishop Perkins was very kind to prepare me for this work , and in his home he read the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants to me . So , that I may more fully understand the Gospel , and that I might be an example to the people of the Ward , and he taught me the Law of Tithing , and that we may be worthy to receive all the blessings that the Gospel had in store for His faithful children . So on the 21st ofF ebruary 1900 , we were recommended to the Logan temple to receive our second washing and anointing by President Morgan , a blessing that not so many have received , which is the greatest blessing anyone can receive in the House of the Lord , for which I have tried to be thankful all the days of my life . In the Spring of the same year , as there was a severe drought in Southern Utah , President Lorenzo Snow went to St . George , and met with the people there and told them if they would pay an honest tithing the Lord would bless them and send rain to save their crops . As the church was in a very bad financial condition at that time . So on returning to Salt Lake City President Snow called a special meeting of all the General Authorities of the Church to meet in the temple on the Law of Tithing , on June the 2nd at 9 : 00 A . M . And as Bishop Perkins had taken so much interest in me he asked me to go with him , only the Bishops were called . All the General Authorities spoke in the Meeting , after which they all shouted " Hosanna to the Lord " . We were in the Temple from 9 : 00 A . M . until5 : 00 P . M . The meeting was in the room known as the Celestial Room . At the close of the meeting President Snow said , " If you will go home and pay an honest tithing , the Church will be freed from debt , and the Lord will forgive you of your past neglect , and I promise you your homes will never burn . " From that time forth I always paid a full tithing as long as I lived on this earth . This blessed land of America , which God has blessed above all other lands . So these are some of the blessings that your mother and I received through Bishop Perkins being so kind to me . In appreciation for the blessing the Lord has given us , I desired to do my full duty in my calling with the people of this ward , and we had many opportunities to be called out day and night in time of sickness and death , among the people . We labored together eight years and had much joy in our labors . I have given you some of the ways I made a living for the family . To make a living during this time and to care for the family , I farmed , raised hogs and horses , milked cows , separating the milk and selling the cream , and making butter getting $ . 10 a pound at the store . The most I received while selling cream from six to seven cows was $ 35 a month . I also sold cream separators to the people of Franklin and Preston to make a little extra money . I cut grain with the binder for the people in Mapleton . I quarried stand stone for the Lewiston Meetinghouse , and some buildings in Preston . The Riter Brothers Drug Store and other buildings . For the hogs we received $ 4 . 00 per hundred . I had now lived on Worm Creek , Mapleton twenty - four years and I have related only some parts of my life . During this time in my life it was necessary for us to look toward the future , and seven children had been born to us in our first home . As the family got larger I built room onto the house . During this time my sister Mary was working for a family in Logan and as she was not feeling so well she came home and we needed someone to help mother as Bertha was a baby at that time . But in September Mary came down with pneumonia and died the 5th October 1900 . She had been born in Providence , Utah the 11th of October 1881 . At that time most of our children were sick with scarlet fever , but they got well with our care and the help of the Lord as it was hard to get a doctor . Before leaving Mapleton , speaking of building I feel to give some information pertaining to my father after his third wife died , Mrs . Weirman . He married Mrs . Shaub of Logan and bought the house of her son Gene . He lived in Logan a few years but he wanted to come back to Mapleton again and wanted me to build him a house in my orchard . I bought some sawed square log from Kall Wheeler , and build him the house . He paid for the materials and I did the work free , and I moved them up from wagon by team , but it was only a few years until he wanted to move again . He had already lived in Preston twice before . The first time where Ernest Porter lived , and before that out where Jim Smart 's place is . I then began to haul tone to Preston and John laid up the walls in 1907 . In all the houses he lived in were one in Providence , two in Logan , one in Worm Creek , three in Mapleton and three in Preston and he died the 121h Aprill908 . When I started to build my home after his death I moved his wife back to Logan with team and wagon . I will pass over some years as things went on as usual . We began to look to the schooling of the children , as there was not much opportunity in Mapleton . I bought five acres of land in Preston and during the winter of 1905 and 1906 , I began to haul sandstone from the quarry for the building of our home . I also planted trees in the spring of 1906 , as there was nothing on the land whatever , only a fence around it . So this was the plan for us to move to Preston , not to improve ourselves better financially , but to make it better for Mother and all of us . The Bishop was called to go on a mission , and I was in line for Bishop as things looked at that time . Mother was already alone so much with the family and I had so many meetings to go to at night . I was still in the German Organization , and I was so far away . I had from two and a half to three miles to ride on horseback to meeting to the home of Brother Merrill or the Bishop . In all the eight years I labored in the ward only one ward was held in our home . I leave the rest for you to answer whey we made this move which needed much consideration and prayer , and the guiding care of our Heavenly Father in making this move . So in the Spring of 1907 , after renting the farm to Hart Wheeler of Mapleton , I built a frame house sixteen feet by twenty feet to have a place to live in . Also , we had a tent for some of the children to sleep in , so I would have the family with me while I was there building our home . I built the barn a place for the cows and chickens . I hauled logs for the bam and most of the lumber for the house from the sawmill on Cub River during the summer . In October of 1907 , when the frame house and the bam were built we all moved to Preston . We were all glad especially the children , when they could see the train and hear it when it came to turn on the Y . So this was a great change for all . This was the first time I lived in town , since we left Providence . So in the Spring of 1908 , as soon as the snow was gone I began to dig the foundation for the house and laying up the walls ; doing the work myself . Our second home in which all the children were brought to men and womanhood . This was the most happy period of our life . In order to get the large stones on the wall we had to roll them up some logs , as they were too heavy to lift . I hired Adolph to help with the work for a while , but before I got the walls finished I took down with Typhoid Fever . Adolph and Mr . Peterson finished the walls . This was in the latter part of September , and I did not know any more of the building of the house till it was finished so the family could move in . Preston was a baby then and I remember that he cried so much it must have been hard for Mother . I can 't give much detail concerning my sickness , only that Mr . States was my doctor and a lady Mary Bodily was my nurse . Brother Arnold Shuldhess , the editor of the German paper " Beobachter " , was up from Salt Lake City and came and administered to me when I first took sick . When Miss Bodily had to go some other place they got Maude Stocks for my nurse . They gave me very little food ; mostly brandy and whiskey , as food is most dangerous in Typhoid , at least that was the way they used to do for TyBefore I forget , my sister Regina , about the year 1886 also came home from Logan where she had been working and came down with Typhoid and there were no doctors here as there was no town of Preston here then . If there had been we would not have had any money to pay them ; so her mother treated her the best she knew with tea from different herbs . Our prayers and faith were in God and she lived and got well , so we did the best we could under different ways and conditions . I will again go on with my own case . The latter part of October as I remember , I began to improve in health and they began to give me some food , as I was getting very hungry and I thought I would not get enough to eat anymore . Mother was very much afraid she might give me too much to eat , as that is the most dangerous time of the disease . The first time I went out doors again was the beginning of November . The trees were all yellow and I went up town to vote on November 6th 1908 . I am sorry to say that this was not the end of our grief and sickness , so we had to start all over again and as I write these few lines it fills my eyes with tears when I think of that dear Mother that never gave up , that watched over you all night and day with faith in God for a better day . The Lord heard our prayers and she had the privilege to bring you up to manhood and womanhood , but that was not the end of our trials as stated before . When Clara and Anna came down with the fever we had to get Doctor Emery , as Doctor States lived in Franklin . As they had to come most every day and we had a nurse that did not belong to the Church . She stayed at Preston Rooming house and we had trouble with her as I will tell you later when I get to that . By this time we were living in the new house . I think it was sometime in December . But , under the care of the new doctor and the new nurse the girls did not show any improvement . It was not long till they came down with pneumonia and week after week they did not get any etter . The nurse had a lady friend that visited some time in the evening . One day I found some empty whiskey bottles in a pile of stone that was beside the house . I at once told the Doctor we did not want his nurse any longer . He said he had a Nuffer barn place in Weston for her . He said that we would be responsible if something went wrong with the girls . I told him I was willing to take the responsibility . The nurse left and shortly she came down with the fever at the rooming house . It was only a week or ten days till the girls were up on their feet again . It was now the latter part of February and what a relief it was especially for that dear Mother , when all could rest again . Now during my sickness some of the people of Mapleton had been told by Doctor States that there was not much hope for me to get over my sickness and mother heard of it . She prayed to the Lord saying that if he would spare my life she promised Him she would let me go on a mission , under almost any conditions whenever called . So during the summer of 1909 , I worked at whatever I could find to earn something to take care of the family , and to keep out of debt , and fmd planted what we could on the lot for the next winter . Sometime if February of 1910 , I received a letter from Box B , as it was called in those days , when anyone was called on a mission . I did not know anything as to a call for a mission when I received the letter stating if I could accept this call , if I could be in Salt Lake City on April the 18th . I do not know if Bishop H . Geddes had told the authorities of the Church anything of my financial condition or not , as I remember he did not to me ; which was very limited at this time nor did he tell me anything about being called on a mission . We did not hesitate for a moment , but told them that I would be there at the above date . As we had no porch on the south side of the house I went to work on it before leaving . I also built a shed for the white top buggy so it would be under shelter while I was away . On the 15th ofFeb 1910 , Laura was born at home with Mrs . Nancy Beckstead in attendance , which made it still harder for me to leave you all alone . I also planted some garden before leaving . So in the morning of April the 18th , I was on my way , Clara going with me to Salt Lake as mother did not want me to leave alone . That way she could hear from me just a little longer , Clara was then nearing 15 years of age and Laura was going on two months . As I remember I was set apart for my mission by Jonathan C . Campbell to the Eastern States Mission to labor under Ben E . Rich . After a few days in Salt Lake I left with other Elders for New York City , stopping at Des Moines , Omaha , Chicago , Buffalo and on to New York . After a few days there I was appointed by Ben E . Rich to labor in West Pennsylvania , with Elder Hyrum Nelson from Cleveland , Idaho . I was then sent by way of Philadelphia to Pittsburgh with Heber D . Clark as our president . We were then sent out in the country two hundred miles tracting on the way , where there was a Branch of the Church in Buck Valley . It would be too much to give my missionary account , it is written in my missionary journals , those red books in this home . As we met in Conference in Pittsburgh , with Ben E . Rich and all the Elders in February of 1912 I was released to return home . It was most difficult for mother to carry on any longer with the large family as she had to borrow most of the money while I was away , as it was a dry season , and Mr . Wheeler , the one that bought the farm did not make any payments and the Bank charged 12 % interest . When I arrived home Laura , it was on her birthday , was two years old . One great blessing while on this mission was that I did not have one day of sickness and Mother and the children all had good health , for which we thanked the Lord with all our hearts . It was February the 15th 1912 when I arrived at home in time to make arrangements for a new life in caring for the family again , and to pay off the money we had borrowed . But , before I could do that I had to borrow some more to buy a team with which to go to work . I borrowed $ 700 off of Grandpa Wanner ; the team cost $ 300 . On the 15th July 1912 , I purchases thirty two acres from Mr . Charles Nelson west of town on time payment , at one hundred dollars per acre . I then planted it in hay and grain , and the same year a hail storm came and destroyed the crop of wheat . I then went hauling sand and gravel for a living , and helped Uncle John with the haying . On returning home I was asked by President Joseph Geddes to visit the wards of the Stake with the High Council for two years . It was before the Stake was divided . I also was asked to take my place again in the German Organization Meetings , one or two times a month . During this time I was serving as a Ward Teacher , a Sunday School Teacher , and quite a number of years as the class leader of the High Priests group in the ward , at Priesthood meeting , so I had plenty to keep me busy . I was also the ward Chairman ofthe Anti - Tobacco and Liquor campaign . During the First World War , I was called as a Counselor to Peter Hanson , who was Stake Superintendent of the Religion Class until the Stake was divided . In all six years , once or twice a month on Sunday or week days we would go out in the Ward to find someone to teach Religion Class in the schools , or to visit the schools that had teachers as we found it necessary . I was called as Chairman of the Genealogical Organization of the Ward . When the Ward was divided , and your mother and I worked in the Genealogical Organization . We were released when Orion Jensen was Bishop . During the years of 1923 , 24 , 25 , and 26 , I was called to baptize the children of the Franklin Stake . Charles F . Hawkes had done that work before . Also , at times I was called on to baptize children of the 2nd Ward at the Stake House . While in the old Church House I was a teacher in the Sunday School in the different departments at different times . On October 30 , 1916 I bought the farm in Dayton of June Jensen , Sam Morgan and H . A . Peterson of Logan , at the price of $ 5 , 500 so we would have work for the boys , so they would not have to go away from home to find work . For a number of years we had to dry farm , before we could get water . We finally got thirty shares at $ 130 an acres . As the land was all under bond it cost me $ 800 to buy the rest of the land out and we had to pay $ 7 per acres to get a ditch thru the Eccles Farm . I traded the land in Preston to Sam Morgon at $ 125 an acre that helped some . I had to clear off some thirty - five acres of sage with axes all by hand . That was all we had to do that kind of work for number of years . I had the cabin on the west hill of Peterson 's and had to carry the water from a spring below the hill in Petersons ' for cooking and vitrolling the wheat . I had to get a right - of - way from Brother McCarry at a spring to water the horses . We also had a stable on the hill for the horses . Usually we would fill our grub box on Monday morning and stay till Saturday and Mother and the girls would take care of things at home during the week . When we got water on the farm we moved up on the flat to the west of the farm . We went down the creek for water to use . We then built another room and Fred moved over with his family for the summer to help with the work as we rented the Miles farm and a year or so later Miles bought a house that we moved on his farm , for Fred and his family to live in . Later on we built another room onto it . Preston helped us with the work after school closed and Joseph moved in up stairs when he got married , working with Roy at the car bam at the U . I . C . Railroad . In 1929 we built a house on the farm for Joseph to move in , as we had more work all the time . The cost of the house was $ 1250 . Then came the crash of 1929 , when wheat dropped to 30 cents a bushel and hogs to $ 4 per hundred and beets $ 4 a ton . To pay our debts and pay for the house all of us got together with a lot of hard work and the help of the Lord we pulled through . We also sold some hay for $ 5 per ton . In the Spring while the boys were thinning the beets , I was doing the summer fallowing , with the gang plow , with six horses ; for a number of years . We started out with only three horses on the farm for a number of years . We could not raise hay without water . We had to haul the hay for the horses from town . Also , for the headers Mother would come over and cook for them . At the first harvest we did not have very much , and I was away trying to earn some money to pay for the heading . Louise and Preston drove over and brought them their dinner . I also went up to Glendale one summer and helped Fred Wanner and Hyrum Jensen get up their hay . They gave me a ton of hay for three days work with wagon and team and I would haul it over to the farm . That was during the early part of our farming that I am writing on this page some of our hardships . In order to make some money to pay for the farm and to live , as we only raised grain , as we had no water on the farm , I would work on the header and do stacking . Also , I would go out with Fred Nuffer and Fred Steuri doing cement work for school houses , and other buildings . I worked for Joseph Moser as a carpenter on the Gymnasium , also did cement work , while Fred was hauling gravel . I hauled the first load of gravel for that building , also hauled gravel for the Jefferson School Building . I worked for Struve on the 4 ' h Ward Meeting house doing cement work on many houses in town . I had my team hauling gravel when they built the first sidewalks in Preston , until they were finished , then to the City Water Reservoir . When the Utah - Idaho Central Railroad was built I worked on the cut south of town ten hours a day for $ 2 . Again I helped Joseph Moser when he built the beet dump , the high line by Tom Clayton 's place . I then got a job on the dump with the Sugar Co . , loading beets on the cars . The next two years I was tare man for the company , and got lots of scoldings from the farmers , but the company treated me well . They used to pile any beets on the ground in large piles in different places , and haul them on the cars later . So , the boys Fred , Joseph and I would haul beets the rest of the fall . We would leave right after daylight and work until dark , so when Sunday came we were glad to get a short rest and go to Church , or I would be called to visit some Ward in the Stake in the interest of religion class to get in into the school , and on Monday back to work . Going back to the farm work , in the fall of 1931 and 1932 I bought a herd of sheep to fatten , then took them to Denver to market to help get out of debt . While Fred was living on the Miles place and Joseph on the farm there was some difficulty , I do not know what it was , and Joseph moved back to town . Fred moved into the house on the farm and young Fred Wanner moved in where Fred had lived , as he had him working for him in 1936 . I bought a tractor to do the farming , and did the summer fallowing with it that Spring . As Charles Nelson was janitor of the Ward House he asked me if l did not want to take the janitor job . So I had another job , which the girls helped me with at $ 11 a month , but it all helped . That was during the First World War . Thinking it was time to retire from farming at the age of sixty - six I sold the farm in 193 7 to my son Fred . In Jun 1937 I bought the Dodge car and the Gamble home . The next year the McCarry farm . The summer of 1937 we went on a trip , Mother and I , Louise , the twins , and Joe and Gretta to Los Angeles , visiting Jim Cummings and Fred Nuffer . From there to San Francisco , then on Highway 1001 , the Redwood Road to Portland , Oregon up the Columbia River to Boise , Idaho and back . I had to come home after over two weeks absence . Mother and I had been to Los Angeles by train to visit Jim and Anna , when they lived at Beverly Glen , and again when she died the 25 January 1928 . As given before the third time to California and again to San Francisco to the fair . Mother and I , Louise , Joe and Gretta , when Gretta took sick . After Mothers death , myself and Louise , Ida and Gilbert , went to Los Angeles the fourth time . Later when Jimmy Cummings was married I went on the bus to his wedding . Some years after Mother 's death , I and Louise and the twins went on a trip by car to Zions National Park , Cedar Breaks , and Bryce 's Canyon and to Yellowstone . The first time we went to Yellowstone National Park with Mother , Louise , Roy and Clara . The last time we went Louise , the twins , Donald and Joe and Getta and I went . We also went a few time to Nephi to the Roundup . These years while Ward Chairman of the Genealogical Committee , we assisted the Stake in getting up large excursions to the temple on the U . I . C . Railroad , every month . All during our married life we would go to the temple every years as often as we were able to go . We carried on research work through the Genealogical Office in Salt Lake City , and we received sheets of names on the Nuffer and Wanner line , and my mothers Griener line , all at our own expense . I have the sheets in my trunk with the work all completed as you will find them there . For twenty years after buying the Chevrolet car and the Dodge , we went to the Temple , whenever we could once or twice a month with a full car of people from the 2nd and 1st ward , until I took sick in December 1948 . Since then I have been to the Temple three times . I am writing this May 11 , 1950 . While going to the Temple one February morning early it was snowing and the road was slick . I had with me in the car Mother , Louise , Brother and Sister Rindlisbacher and Mrs . Clarence Corbridge . As I was getting near the Utah line I felt there was trouble ahead . I was going about twenty - five miles an house , when George Wanner passed me . When half a mile over the Utah line the car struck a bump in the road and turned over in the barrow pit then over on its side . At that time a car came and took all but Mother and I and Louise to the Temple . Then came Orion Jensen and took Mother and Louise to the Preston Clinic to be examined by the doctor . I stayed with the car until Petterborg came . The damage on the car was over a hundred dollars . Some months later Mother began to have pains in her back and kept getting worse as time went on . During July she got so bad I took her to the Preston Hospital for an xray . She was there for a week , and Doctor Cutler said we had better take her to the L . D . S . Hospital in Salt Lake as they could not do anymore for her there . We went to Salt Lake July 24th we were told that she had tumor of the spine . She was there for a week , when we were told that they could not do more for her so we bought her home . She died the 10th August 1940 . I just came upon this letter written by David D Williams to his sisters in Wales . In it he describes his trip to Utah from Wales . The letter was originally written in Welsh . I have written of David and his immigration in his biography . As mentioned in the history , David is the son of Frances Henneys and John Williams born in Wales in 1832 . He immigrated to Utah in 1864 . I am including a picture of some rolling hills in Southern Wales that I took with some friends in 2003 . Funny how he thinks how beautiful Utah was ( then ) , and yet we feel the same about his Wales ! I have reached the end of my journey in the valley of Great Salt Lake well and happy , and I hope that you are the same . I shall now give you some of the history of my trip from the Old Country . This little letter is not large enough to describe all I saw , but I shall do my best to describe the outstanding features as briefly and inclusively as possible . We started from Aberdare on May 17th for Merthyr , where we stayed overnight . Next morning , the 18th , we started for Liverpool . After leaving the old rugged , craggy mountains of Wales behind us , we came to the flat plains of England and there saw the most desirable land such as we had never seen in all our lives . It was full of apple trees , plums , pears , and all kinds of other fruit , nature was a feast of beauty , all kinds of beautiful buildings of red brick . By evening we reached Liverpool . ( One - half dozen words obliterated by creased paper ) the streets were all paved . There is no time now to give details about this place . Next day we went down to the docks , and there we saw the General McClellan . This immense vessel laid about 70 yards long carrying 2000 tons . After getting everything in order , the steamboat pulled us on to the river , where we saw the great eastern , the world 's chief wonder . May 21st , we set sail for New York across the Atlantic Ocean . We saw many large fish . About the banks of Newfoundland we saw many large icebergs , some of them 200 feet high , and the portion above the surface of the water was but a third of the whole , so this enormous block would stand 600 feet high if it were all visible . We had a successful journey . We got one bad storm for about 24 hours . We were on the ocean for a month and 3 days . After reaching New York , we were taken to customs offices where all immigrants have to pass . After getting all in order there , we started out by steamboat on the river Genessee for about 160 miles to Albany . Here we took the train , and away we went for hundreds of miles along the borders of Canada . Then we crossed the river to St . Clair and thFrom here we went by steamboat on the Missouri River for 200 miles to Wyoming , and here we came to the plains . We stayed in Wyoming for 3 weeks . July 21st we started over the plains , a company of 500 to 600 people , men , women and children , and about 80 wagons . After traveling on the plains for about 11 weeks , we reached the City of Great Salt Lake on Oct . 4th . This is the most beautiful city I ever saw in my life . It is full of apple trees , plums , pears , peaches , damsons , grapes , melons and all kinds of other fruit . The buildings are large and beautiful , and you seldom see a double house , but each house separate with a garden adjoining . The streets are all straight for miles , not a crooked street in the city . I stood by Brigham Young 's house facing the south , and I could see 20 to 30 miles of perfectly straight road . We can see for 80 miles here better than you can see for 20 there . After being here several days , I learned that father and my brothers were in Ogden City , 40 miles away , and that Richard is coming down to the festival ( conference ) . This gave me no small amount of joy , for this was the first news I had of my father that he was alive . I saw Richard in the city , and when the festival was over , we started for Ogden City . John has moved out 200 miles from here , and he and his family were well when last heard from . Father is well and contented and he was as glad to see me here as I was to see him , and to hear that you are all well there . They want you to come next time and would love very much to see you . This is three times as good a country to live in if you care to work . I know that Sally is unable to come without help , but if Mary is able to come if nothing untoward has happened , and I would advise you , Mary , to come out next time , so we can later help Sally and her family . I would like to know whether or not you intend coming next time so I can give you a few instructions . It is a great country if one is wise to take advantage of the elements , and to do everything for one 's self , for which I can This briefly from your dear father and your brothers , John , David and Richard Williams . A few words to William Rees , my brother in the gospel . I have taken my pen in hand to send you a few lines , hoping you are well and happy , and enjoying the comforts of the gospel , as I do myself at present ; and I thank God for that . I intended to give you a little news of the plains and its creatures . But from what we hear , it is not likely there will be an immigration over the plains for some time , because the Indians are rather cruel and are at war with the United States . We were on the plains for 11 weeks because of difficulties . We joined another train ( wagon train ) and in all we had 150 wagons with about 1200 people ; our train was about 4 miles long . The last train of saints came to Salt Lake City on Oct . 20th . Trains of gentiles had joined them along the line , and I heard people saying that they stretched over 10 miles while traveling . Eighty of the rich people of Salt Lake City were called , last festival ( conference ) to go south 600 miles and raise cotton , and the rich everywhere are being called on to help ; and there is also a widespread call for people to go there to settle . They are going to build ships on the Colorado River , for that is the way the next immigrants will come , around the Cape Horn . I have to finish at present for want of space on this paper , with fond regards to you , to Thomas Griffiths and his family , to Mary Hoskins and her family , and to all the saints alike . First are pictures of me . Our little family was living in Leefe , Lincoln , Wyoming in a trailer house on a mining job site . Either way , you can take a look at some of my facial features and compare them to Aliza . As you can see , there are quite a few differences . I think Aliza is taking more and more features of her mother than me . However , the blue eyes are coming through . If there was a feature to pass on , I think that would be it . Now that you have seen a couple of pictures of me from a similar age , look at this one of Amanda . You can definitely see more features that are similar with this photo of Amanda . Aliza does not have those ears though ! We just could not figure out where the shape of Aliza 's head is coming from . I think I may have figured it out . Look at this picture of my Dad as an infant probably somewhere around 4 or 5 months old . Aliza 's round head and the hair line is more reminiscent of my Dad . The furrows in the brow remind me of my nephew and some other pictures of my Dad , so I think the way Aliza furrows her forehead is from my Dad . I also think this is where Aliza gets her ears . Amanda insists that Aliza 's smile comes from her . At certain times when Aliza smiles though , I see my Aunt Jackie 's smile . The smile is also my Mom 's , but Mom had facial injuries which have altered her face , so I do not think the smile was as obviously my Mom 's . But the peaks in her lips when she gets a big smile , and the way her cheeks pull back ( no dimple though , Amanda can claim that ) are my Mom 's line . Now , venturing over to Amanda 's side of the family . Obviously the expressions and looks of her family are not so integrated into my being as to recognize nuances . I will let you judge for yourself whether you see some resemblances . Here is a picture of Amanda 's Mom , Jill , at about 6 months . The overall cheeks and dimples are definitely a family trait to that side . I even think the shape of the mouth , but like I mentioned , the use and form of the mouth while smiling take on forms I recognize from my Mom 's side . Lastly , a picture of Amanda 's Dad , Bryan . I think this gives us the origin of Aliza 's nose . Aliza 's ears definitely do not match these ones either . I think we also have the culprit for putting fingers in her mouth ! Aliza does not care for her thumb , it is both index fingers in the side of her mouth or two fingers as demonstrated by her grandfather in this picture . It is interesting to think how much of our mannerisms are genetic or learned behaviour . I am sure that neither Amanda or I ever taught Aliza how to put her fingers in her mouth , so it is a curious line of thought . David Delos Donaldson ( he went by Dave , his son also went by Dave or Davie , so to keep them clear , I will refer to father as David and son as Dave ) was born 26 March 1894 in Evanston , Uinta , Wyoming . He was the second of seven children born to William Scott Donaldson and Mary Elizabeth Williams . I have previously written of David 's parents at this link : Donaldson - Williams . David grew up in Evanston , Uinta , Wyoming and Park City , Summit , Utah before moving to 2270 Moffits Avenue , now 2270 Ogden Avenue , in Ogden , by the time he was six . He lived at this address until he moved to Twin Falls , Twin Falls , Idaho to work for Ballantyne Plumbing Company as a Sham Filler . When he registered for the World War I draft on 5 June 1917 , he was living on Shoshone Street North in Twin Falls and listed that his mother and two siblings were dependent on him . He may have listed this in hopes of not being drafted . Ballantyne Plumbing & Heating Company was newly incorporated ( about 1916 ) by Varsell Ballantyne who had just moved from Ogden . Varsell had been one of the incorporators of The Ogden Plumbing , Gas & Steam Fitting Company in 1904 or 05 . He had worked in the same spheres as David 's father and probably felt some desire to help the Donaldson family and invited David to Twin Falls . He may also have been the master to which David was an apprentice , or another plumber worked with in the Ogden PG & S Company . While David worked for Ballantyne Plumbing Company , it was located at 145 Second Avenue East in Twin Falls . David lived on Shoshone Street North , probably not far from his employment . The draft card indicates that he had gray eyes , black hair , and stood tall and stout . David served in the U . S . Army during World War I . When he was finally drafted , he went to Utah to report with his two brothers who were also drafted ( another brother would also serve in World War I ) . Unfortunately , the government cannot find his service paperwork and very little is known of his time served . His obituary indicates he served in the 91st Division of the Army . We do not know his dates , but this division fought in the Battle of Saint - Mihiel in 1918 and went on to fight in the Meuse - Argonne Offensive through the rest of the year . It was in the Meuse - Argonne Offensive that David would receive his life lasting injuries to his lungs from the dreaded gasses of World War I . One lung collapsed and never worked again , the other lost a large percentage of its capacity . He would receive weekly treatment for the rest of his life ( over 30 years ) for these injuries at the Veterans Hospital in Salt Lake . He became a member of the Disabled American Veterans , Ogden Chapter 4 . Berendena Van Leeuwen , who went by Dena , was born 28 December 1898 in Ogden . She was the 10th of 12 children born to Gerhardus Hendrik and Hermina Janzen Van Leeuwen . I have written of George and Minnie 's marriage here : Van Leeuwen - Janzen Wedding . Nine of these children would live to adulthood and marry . Both parents joined the LDS church in 1887 and immediately sought to immigrate to Zion . The family immigrated to Utah in 1888 . Gerhardus waited until the next year to immigrate . Gerhardus had fallen from a ladder at work giving him head injuries that lead to epileptic seizures and bouts of insanity . These considerations were perceived as mental illness at the time and could have kept the family from being admitted had they all come together . The Van Leeuwen 's immigrated from Arnhem , Gelderland , Netherlands . In the United States , Dena 's parents were known as George Henry and Minnie Van Leeuwen . The Van Leeuwen family lived at various places in Ogden , mostly near Wall Avenue and 33rd Street . Her father worked as a carpenter , more on the finishing side , for employment . George may have even known of the Donaldson family . Dena was baptized in the LDS church 7 November 1907 in Ogden . The family was extremely tight knit and was known for their large and very tasty family meals . If company came over , a meal was put on . George 's head and mental injuries continued to worsen as the years passed . The family either had to keep him safe or calm him down before . By the time 1911 rolled around , his fits were becoming uncontrollable . Dena referred to her " Daddy " as tender and sweet and then at the switch he would become angry and threatening . He had made enough threats and raised enough raucous that neighbors called the police . George was committed to the Utah State Mental Hospital in Provo , Utah , Utah in 1911 when Dena was 13 . The family tried to get him out and succeeded . Unfortunately , he lost control again and ended up spending the rest of his life in the mental hospital . The family would drive down nearly every weekend to pick up " Daddy " and keep him for the weekend before taking him back . By the mid 1920 's , they could not even take him home on the weekends his condition was that poor and uncontrollable . " Momma Minnie , " as she was known to friends , died in 1921 in Ogden . George died in 1932 in Provo . Dena as one of the youngest children of the family was known among siblings as telling slight variations of stories to other siblings such that it would cause some contention within the ranks . While the siblings were never distant from each other , a feud of one sort or another was always brewing or being fought . It would always pass , but Dena often started many of the feuds and received a bit of flak for it . David returned from the war and met Dena Van Leeuwen . We do not know about the courtship or how they met . We do not know why they chose to be married in Salt Lake . David and Dena took a honeymoon to California . David resumed work as a plumber in the 1920 's in the Ogden area . Between 1920 and 1928 , 5 children were born to David and Dena , all in Ogden . Twins named Dena Dorothy and Dora Mary were born 28 May 1920 . In 1930 , the family lived at 753 Browning Avenue in Salt Lake . We do not know how long they were there , but they moved back pretty quickly to Ogden living on 8th Street . Times were hard during the 1930 's so David went to Boulder City , Clark , Nevada to work on the building of the new Boulder Dam ( later named Hoover ) . He also headed to Napa , Napa , California to work in the shipyards as a pipe fitter , primarily on submarines . Jennie Bremer , a niece to David and Dena , told of a funny story when David was replacing the plumbing in their home after a serious earthquake in Los Angeles . David was deathly afraid of earthquakes and while he was working in the basement or under a cupboard if an aftershock hit he would rise up and run from the house . He told Jennie at one point that he did not want to be caught in the basement if the house should fall . Well , being little kids , they played with this some . They would sneak to the window of the room he was working in and shake the screen and windows in a way that sounded like an earthquake . She said it was funny to see a man as big as " Uncle Dave " to hop up and run out of a room like that . They would laugh and laugh over it . They made sure not to do it too often so he would not suspect anything and she does not believe he ever knew of the joke they would pull on him at least once every time he visited . She did comment it was a bit sad to see him winded for a while after he hopped and ran , but the guilt from it would only come later in life as she realized what she had done to him . David would often visit family to help with their homes or other needs . He also come home to Ogden fairly regularly on the weekends to visit the family . He finally found employment in Ogden at the Ogden Depot in 1937 as Supervisor of Maintenance . In 1939 , the family returned to visit the area David had worked , Donaldson extended family in the bay area , and the 1939 San Francisco World Fair . Life in the 1940 's treated the Donaldson family much better , even despite the war . David still had his penny - pinching ways . Dave would refer to David as the " King of the Tight Wads . " Dave started working about 12 years old as a shoe polisher at a barber shop on Washington Ave . David had told Dave that now he was 12 , he was expected to be a man and take care of himself , that the Donaldson household would no longer be carrying him . When he brought his paycheck home , David would take half of it for the family . This incensed Dave over the years and he quit reporting his full pay to his father , who took half of it . David even went on to require Dave to pay rent for his space upstairs in the Wall Ave home . Sometime between 1942 and 1945 , David 's mother 's husband had passed away and she wanted to move in with the Donaldson family . David tried to get Dave to move his bed to the back porch so his mother could take the upstairs . Dave made it very clear he would move his bed , but it would be out of the house and he would never come back . David 's mother did not move in and Dave kept his " apartment " even after he married . David insisted that Dena only needed two dresses and no more . The family would often buy her dresses , shoes , or other things for her birthday and Christmas , so she did not ultimately go without . But he refused to buy for himself or for her . Dave and Betty Donaldson got a pretty serious scolding one time for buying Dena a crystal berry bowl indicating that it was going to spoil Dena and the family . Dena grew up LDS and David did not . Dena saw that all her children were raised LDS with little difficulty from David . Apparently smoking is what kept him from being baptized . When the time would come for Gladys to marry , the Bishop determined that he was not going to allow them to be married in the temple without David being a member . David had made it known he did not want any of his girls to marry a poor boy and would not submit . All four of the girls married in the next two years , and then Dave in 1953 . Interestingly , David never joined the LDS church , but the family put it into the obituary that he was a member . Gladys ended up being married in the Donaldson home on 8th Street , but David refused to allow the Donaldson Bishop to do the honors , so the Plain City Bishop of Glady 's husband , Milo Ross , performed the wedding . David retired in 1949 from the Ogden Defense Depot due to his physical condition and inability to breathe . About this time , the family took a trek to visit family and friends throughout the west and to see some national and church historical sites . Included was Hoover Dam , St . George Utah Temple , Mesa Arizona Temple , Cove Fort , Lake Mead , Las Vegas , Los Angeles , and San Francisco . The family , not caring about the thoughts of others , loaded the car and set off . Dena , who loved and raised canaries , insisted they come with her . So the canaries rode in cages that were wired to the outside of the car ( and the canaries lived through the entire trek ) . Dave joked that driving around they looked like the Beverly Hillbillies in their early 40 's sedan with bird cages wired to the back of the car . David would claim that the only relief he could receive for his lungs was through smoking cigarettes which would calm his breathing and ease the pain . Remembering also , this was also a slogan for some cigarette companies ! He picked up smoking while still in the military , but he would become a chain smoker very early on . The smoking would later aid in his death from emphysema . It was not uncommon at all for David to light one cigarette from the one he was finishing . He was also known as a dirty smoker among the family in that he would allow the ashes to fall anywhere and would even throw his butts on the floor in the house , in the toilet , or even leave them in the drain of the bathtub after he finished bathing . David 's lung issues would come back to haunt him more and more as the years passed . The cigarettes were no longer delaying the pain or inevitable loss . His emphysema would come in fits to such a degree that he would be confined to bed and the family would have to place newspaper on the floor around the bed to catch the black phlegm ( sometimes bloody ) he would cough up . His emphysema would become more and more restraining on his life in the last 5 years of his life . It was the reason he had to take such an early retirement . In the end , he had a couple of days where he was coughing and could not breathe and went to the Veteran 's Hospital in Salt Lake City . After a two day stay , the chronic lung disease caused a cor pulmonale that took his life on 24 September 1953 . Four days later , he was buried in Ogden City Cemetery . Dena moved on with her life and kept busy visiting and spending time with family . Dave , who had recently married and was living in an apartment upstairs , decided it was time for a major cleaning of the house . They completely and thoroughly cleaned the home , wall - papered and replaced wall - paper , and replaced the carpets and furniture to remove all the cigarette smoke grease and filth . Betty told me that as long as she knew the family that she really loved Dena . She said everyone loved Dena . She said that when she remembers the home in Ogden on Wall , that every time she drove into the driveway that the curtains would part and a Dena 's curly white hair , bright blue eyes , and big smile poke through with a little wave . Apparently she had an infectious laugh which was both giddy and happy . Four of her siblings were still alive and she had 11 grandchildren by the time 1955 rolled around . Then one day she was visiting at the home of Jane ( Jantjen in the Dutch ) Bremer , her sister . Dena needed to hurry off and Jane warned her that she should not go . Jane was known in the family for having the gift of foretelling the future . Jane told Dena that if she left at that time she would be in a terrible accident . Dena gave no heed and left to go on her way . Dena was known by all to speed , and she was doing so this day . Sure enough , as she drove north on Wall Avenue in Ogden and at reaching 2nd street , a truck made a left hand turn from the right lane and hit the rear passenger side of the 1955 Oldsmobile . Her vehicle was sent careening and slammed broadside into a telephone pole on the north east corner of the intersection ( 133 feet from the point of impact ) . The initial hit threw her into the passenger side of the front seat with the passenger door open , her leg partially out of the opened door . Then the impact collapsed the dashboard in on her and slammed the open passenger door on her leg . She broke her hip , leg , and back with a number of other injuries . The door had closed and latched on her leg and had to be cut open . She was taken to the hospital where the family did not expect her to live . She underwent a pretty major hip and back operation . Dena was put into a full body cast for the next six months that reached all the way up to her armpits . Dave created this bar with a rope / cloth over the bed by which she could lift herself up so they could place a bedpan under her to do her business . Betty would help her do the business , clean her up , and make sure her needs were tended . The cast was eventually removed but she could not properly walk or get around very well . She was pretty much confined to her home for the rest of her days . At times a little heat came into a relationship and she would go spend some time with one of her other children , but she came back . She had a terribly heavy hospital bed she used these last few years . Dave made it clear early on that once he moved that bed out of the house again , he was not ever moving it back in so her stays elsewhere were of short duration . Dave and Betty would take Dena around to visit places and get out of the house . Betty joked that Dena loved to go fishing and that she could catch fish in the gutter if she tried . She had a gift for catching fish . Dave and Betty set up a little camp chair so she could fish on camping trips . They would leave her be for a while and she would giggle at the birds and once and a while one would fly to her . She giggled openly and happily at everything . Her grandson , Milo Ross , remembers her in the full body cast but yet she would smile and the whole world would smile with her . He thought she was a funny lady with tongue twisters , slight Dutch accent , and catchy little jingles . Dena had problems with her body that come from inactivity , like regular kidney stones and other painful problems . But she always had a twinkle in her eye and a contagious laugh . She never , if ever , complained about the lot cast to her in life . On the 5th of March , 1959 , Betty Donaldson , Dena 's daughter - in - law had finished work and was headed to the theater to catch a matinee . She felt a distinct impression that she should go home . Dave was at work and she had the whole afternoon free , so she did not see the need to go home . As she waited in line at the theater , she knew she needed to go home so she caught the bus . She made it home and all was well . She changed her clothes and then Dena called up to her . Dena had this sinking feeling in her chest , was not feeling very well , and was asking Betty for help . Betty called the Dr . and for an ambulance . Dave , who never called home from work , had felt impressed to call home . Betty was just headed up to the hospital . Dave met her there . Dena had suffered kidney failure which lead to a heart attack and she passed away that evening around 10 : 30 PM . She was buried four days later next to David in the Ogden City Cemetery . The farther you get back on some of these family lines , the less we know about the individuals and their lives . This really is unfortunate . If they had kept journals , or recorded some of their thoughts and at least given us some history , how much the richer we would be . Look at how much a few sentences written on the back of this old photograph tell us that we would not otherwise know ! The back of this photograph has the following written on it . " [ illegible ] master ( ? ? ) held this photo for about 46 or 48 years then gave it back to me for a keep sake . when she left for California to make her home . she was 70 . taken in 1891 we lived in Evanston Wyo . Donaldson was Union Pacific Conductor . Mary Elizabeth Williams Donaldson . Born apr 7th 1869 on Wall ave . between 24th and 25th street . Just South of the Brigham Hotel in the old home . Daddy sold the old home to Barnard White . William Scott Donaldson Born June 18 1865 Cape Vincent Jefferson county New York . " I assume the writing is by Mary herself since there is a reference of the photo being given back ( William died in 1913 ) . But then why would she refer to her husband as " Donaldson " in reference to his work ? The details given of the birth and its location with the references of " Daddy " selling the home makes me think it is safe to assume this is written by Mary herself and the language is probably a norm of the time . The reference to the Brigham Hotel ( called the New Brigham Hotel on the National Registry ) is interesting because that building is still there at 2402 - 2410 Wall Ave . No homes still exist in that block . We knew she was born in Ogden , but from that little note , we now know which block of Ogden . I have written about her parents at this link : Williams - Jordan Wedding . The writer on the photograph indicates that the Donaldson family lived in Evanston , Wyoming in 1891 . William George was born 23 Aug 1891 and David Delos 26 Mar 1894 , both in Evanston . ( Read more about David 's family at this link : David Donaldson Family ) Mary may very well have been pregnant in the photo . The photo was taken in Ogden or Park City as the bottom of the photo tells us that is where Adams Bros ( and ride an elevator ! ) was located . The family then moved to Park City , Utah where Joseph Ellis was born 28 Aug 1896 and Irvine Todd on 11 Jun 1898 . On 11 Jun 1900 , the family lived at 2270 Moffatt 's Lane in Ogden . Moffatt 's Lane is no longer the name of the street , it was renamed between 1910 and 1920 as Ogden Avenue . William is still a conductor for the railroad . On 20 Apr 1910 , the family lives at the same address and William indicates to the census taker he is now a plumber and owns a shop . William and David are both listed as apprentices , and I assume both are for their father . Somewhere in all this , he also had a confectionery store , of which we have one picture but no other information . William Scott died 12 Sep 1913 of bladder cancer at Dee Hospital and was buried in the Ogden City Cemetery on the 14th . He was barely over 48 years old . The death certificate indicates William was the owner of a plumbing business . William Scott was born 18 Jun 1865 in Joyceville , Frontenac , Ontario , Canada . His mother was born in Cape Vincent , Jefferson , New York . You can read more of his parents and siblings at this link : Donaldson - Todd Wedding . As far as we can tell , all the children were born in Joyceville . He did mention on both the 1900 and 1910 Censuses though that he was born in New York . Maybe this was to claim his privileges as an a U . S . citizen . Who knows . He is not found on the 1880 Census presumably because he is in Canada . Several of his siblings also finally show on the 1900 Census in New York and Ohio , but his father and mother lived their entire lives near Joyceville or Pittsburgh , Frontenac , Ontario , Canada . His venture west most likely came with his employment by the railroads . He did not join the LDS church until 1911 . His son John Edmund joined in 1910 , Joseph Ellis the same day as his father , and William George and Samuel Alvin within the next 4 years . The others did not join ( although David Delos obituary says he did ) . Mary probably grew up near where she said she was born . She was the oldest child ( that lived ) of 10 children . The census taker in 1880 described the home as on the railroad grounds in Ogden . The block where she said she was born is very near the Union Station and may have qualified as the railroad grounds . The original station which was built in 1869 . No street or anything else , just on the railroad grounds . The 1870 census does not give any indication where the family lived other than in Ogden . The last two children were born in Slaterville ( 1881 and 1885 ) . The marriage record indicates in 1890 that Mary was a resident of " Slateville " . The 1900 census records do not tell us where in Slaterville . Mary 's mother , Gwenlliam Jordan Williams died there in 1900 . When David died in 1911 , he was back in Ogden living at 3256 Wall Ave ( this home is gone ) . Mary remarried 11 Jul 1918 to Anthon Edward Peterson . The family still lived at 2270 Ogden Ave in the 1920 census . The four youngest still living at home . By the time the 1930 census arrived , Anthon and Mary were living at 541 Washington Ave , which house I believe is still standing . Anthon and Mary would remain together until he passed away in 1942 . All accounts of Mary is that she was stern and cold . Her grandson , David William Donaldson ( Dave ) , indicated that she was snooty , high - minded , and a brat . Apparently she was very condescending and negative in every interaction . After Anthon Peterson passed away , she sought to move in with her son , David Delos Donaldson and family . The offer was apparently there to take her in for whatever years she had remaining . However , Dave was not having any of that and indicated that if she moved in , he moved out . This was between 1945 and 1948 . She ended up not moving in because of Dave . Mary remarried 20 Nov 1945 to Thomas William Stoker ( a cousin of mine on a different line ) . They remained together until she passed away of old age 29 Mar 1951 in Ogden , just shy of 82 . At the time , Thomas and her were living in Huntsville . The last time I talked to the appt atty I asked if anything would be happening this year and he said no . I got to write him and see if he will tell me anything . He says my case is rare and he has only found 1 case law in Colorado . I do not know if I ever sent you the statement Ron sent me that came off the Times News website or not but I will send it to you again . " Randy Stoker decided the evidence would be so prejudical that he negotiated a plea from murder in the first , possible death penalty to murder 2 / 25 to life with the possibility of parole after 25 . " I received this in Jan 2005 . I never knew nothing about this . Stoker sold me out and the whole world knew about it but me . No one and I mean no one pleas to the max sentence . The PA knew about it and it only takes 2 for conspiracy Carlson knew about it cause he sentenced me to exactly what Stoker sold me out for . Burr - Jones flat out told me there is no evidence against me . Statistics of survey shows 1 out of every 33 people are innocence . Franz sent me some info on judges and juries and the errors on convictions is in the 80 % 's . I hope you stay as far away from criminal law as possible . That means politics too . Larry Craig found out he caint just withdraw your plea anytime you want when he got caught with his dick in his hand . Politics is all corrupt . Do not tell me I do not know what I am talking about . I am twice your age but I am not as stupid as you think . I have never had anything to do with politics and I never will . I am anarchist and do not like the corrupt govt and I have seen a lot of it . That is why I have never voted and never will . That is why I am Atheist too cause I am strong enough to take my life in my own hands and not need to rely on an imaginary things like deities or the human species like JS and BY who were cold - blood bastards ! I read a book last week called " The Ferry Woman A novel of the John D Lee and The Mountain Meadow Massacre " by Gerald Grimmett . Put it on your books to read list and check it out . What about William 's other son Chad ? You know anything about him ? He had 5 boys right ? There was 2 older and 2 younger than Kent my age . They were all pretty good looking boys so I imagine they all ended up handsome men . I have never seen any of them since ' 68 when we moved to this shit hole . I believe Marc wrote me when I was first arrested and was at Cassia . What did he retire from ? He is younger than me and I aint of age to retire yet . He have health problem or just spent 20 - 30 yrs with the same co . He was incarcerated at the time he wrote me . How many of them more than 1 wife ? Did not you say Edith was in Stockton and that was how you found Kent ? Just trying to remember back . I guess you know you favor the Andra side of the family . So does Doug . The last picture I seen of Doug it looked like he was losing the top of his hair . I hope you do not lose yours but then I wondered cause you changed your hair style and started to comb it in the lazy man way of combing it forward . Your hair was so pretty , then you started putting goop on it , now you comb it forward with no style . How come ? I heard Crabtree fill in butt fucks place after karma got him . I understand from people here who know of him that he is a pretty fair and decent guy . No I do not think he belongs to the LDS cult from what I have been told . I thought you wanted to go to U of V ? How come all of a sudden you are going to come back to this shit hole ? You caint go to USU any more ? They have the Innocence Project at Moscow ? Now before I get into the rest of your letter I want to ask you a question . A few months ago I asked if you could send me a little money . You said no but yet you flew cross country , bought a pickup and now plan on going to Europe . So I will ask you if $ 50 is going to set you back that much that you caint spare it ? I have been living off my last check of $ 19 for the month of June . My last envelope is going to you now . Since I was not alive in ' 46 I caint know what went on . I only know Dad worked at Sego Milk . They did wait to have kids . They build their house and got settled before kids came along . Dad was sent back east when he came home there was a lot of money put into the factory when they put in the diet line . A product like Slimfast type stuff . Then they shut the Richmond factory down and left the Buhl one open . Then they decided they made a mistake a few years later . They should of closed the Buhl one and left the Richmond one running . We moved to Burley and Dad worked for Del Monte . The water tower is a memorial of Dad cause he made it . Then he got ran over . The End of him . Colleen worked at Del Monte in Smithfield but I do not know how many campaigns and do not care . Being Grandma Jonas lived in Richmond we could ride our bikes up to her place . Grandma had chickens and pigs and a good size garden so she pretty much was self sufficient . Bottled her vegs and had a root cellar . Grandma was pretty much poor . Dad came from the wrong side of the tracks . As far as the Andra 's went my family was the black sheep cause my Dad turned against the fucking religious cult they believed in . Every time we went up there I always got blamed for everything . Grandma must not of liked me very much . Finally Colleen told Grandma to get off my ass that all my life she had rode my ass and to get off it and leave me alone . As far as I know I was the only one who ever got baby blankets from her . But spending all my life being got done on by her had its affect . Grandpa was a farmer . That was about all I say for them except when Colleen asked about a guy I was running around with from Preston , she told Colleen he was an outlaw so I fit in real well . You were in Wyoming on the Leefe job the summer of ' 79 . You was still in the oven baking . I had been back in Idaho to start the been campaign 1 week and you were born . You were up there in ' 80 too . Rode in the loc with me till I got wrote up for having you in there . I took care of you when I got in the wreck at Max . Just cause I lost my legs and was bunged up did not mean I did not take care of you . I still had arms and could drag myself around . Same way when I cut my arm in half . Like I said I cut my arm on New Years Eve and had it back in use when I wrecked Feb 10th . I left in Mar or April to take apps for the Soda job . You do not seem to understand Paul that I am a surviver and I could not afford to be laid up . I had a son and needed to support him and myself . You were mine and I had an obligation in raising you . I had no help from anyone . But I did stay at Colleens til I got the little house ( ' 80 ) . I also squandered $ 25 , 000 on some son of a bitch paying his bills while his checks went to a pig he was married to . And NO Milo never ever had anything to do with you . He could not even communicate with you . When you weren 't talking he never even tried . You and I had our form of communication . We moved to the 3rd house from Kasota in ' 83 and to the 1st house in ' 93 . That kinds of answers your questions in your letters . Hope that is what you were looking for . Maybe some day I can go in depth face to face with you . Other people I caint tell you much about . As a child growing up I was very shy and self - conscious , never said very much . In the last 9 years I have learned to tell you where the bird at a snap of the fingers . I do not really give a shit if it hurts your feelings or not . DO NOT FUCK WITH ME is my attitude . Good defense mechanism and it works . The person above me is from Burley and she had a picture of Randy Nelson , Carl Lee 's brother . He is a year older than me . Randy has been in trouble all his life with drugs and alcohol . He just got out of the pen in Sept . He spent 11 years down . She had a picture of him before he went in and a picture of him after he got out . He looks like he is 90 years old . It really blew me away . That is what incarceration does to people . Not only does it age you but it ruins your inner self . For some reason they just do not see what they are doing to a human being . I guess Carol Lee has cancer again and is as much as dead . I wrote to Sherry Swiney who has that patrickcrusade website and asked her to please take everything off the website . I am not sure but I think Franz has the manipulated trial website . I have asked Franz several times to take everything off so I do not know why he has not . I mailed Sherry 's letter last Sunday so she is just getting it probably . Will you check in a couple of weeks and see if it is still there if so will you email her about getting it off ? Also check the other one and see if anything is there if so will you please email Franz and ask him to take it off . Let me know if and when it is gone , OK . I want it gone . I got a letter in the mail box to Sal too . She sent me a pamphlet about Richmond . It blew me away . It has pictures and tells about businesses . I am not upon the address so some of them I can only guess where they might be . I want to so bad go down there and see Sal and check the town out . I am going back one way or another to get residency and get rid of my 1st name . You do not know how bad I hate that name . Then I want to go to Norwood , Wyoming and see what that town is like . If I caint set myself up then I want to head north . Paul I have made my mind up that I am not coming back to this shit hole . That means my post conviction is going through . I caint think any other way . It is time for me to close this letter so I will sign off . I just remembered Phillis was Donald 's 2nd wife and Lolane is his 3rd . Do not know if you knew that or not . Anyway , you two take care . Mom Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
" SOLD " So here 's what happened today . After sleeping an amazing 11 hours , I awakened to the shower making the noise that showers make , when it 's not you using the shower . I looked at the time and it was 10 AM , precisely . I brushed my teeth and made a pot of coffee , when Julie came into the kitchen , said good morning and reminded me that I had promised to buy her a nice thank you breakfast . She really did break her neck , helping me orchestrate this move . A couple of eggs over easy was a low price to pay for her expertise . As promised , we came home and I began the tedious task of making the pool table available for a game of pool . It currently had 35 years of my clothing laying upon it . That 's kind of a funny way of describing the pile the movers created , but that 's exactly what it was . 35 years of birthdays , and Christmas 's and Halloweens and Valentine 's Days . Plus tons of stuff I just bought for myself . Most of it hasn 't been worn in years . Some were too big and most were too small . They all had to go ! Without playing favorites , anything that had a pleat or never looked good or had a stain that wouldn 't come out . Some things had never been worn , like the purple dress shirt and tie that some crazy woman gave me one year for my birthday or the tank top I bought once , just to talk to the cashier at a store . Out , you go ! Julie took off to go hiking and left me alone for the afternoon . It was a nice day . I enjoyed the solitude too . At about 12 : 15 my phone rang , something it hasn 't done for a couple of days . It was a guy calling about my roll top desk . I explained that it was indeed still for sale , but I had already moved and it was tucked away in my storage locker . My storage locker turned out to be 5 minutes from where he lived and 15 from me . He was pleased to drive over . I was asking $ 200 for it and the money sounded good after paying the movers to help me . I arrived at the location right on time and he wasn 't there . I called him and he assured me he was 5 minutes away still . Thankfully , he did show up in a 4 wheel drPosted by Moving day brought a warning of an early arrival . The movers insisted upon arriving at 8 AM against my better judgement , but were determined to get me out of bed at the ungodly hour of 7 AM . I haven 't seen 7 AM since I was a member of the work force . LJ phoned me promptly at 7 , at my request , but I was already in the shower . I called her back and explained that everything was under control ( or so I thought ) . That was about when the movers called to explain they were running late . 8 : 45 was now the estimated time of arrival . So much for an early start . My previous move went without a hitch , so I was more than pleased to use the same movers , but this duet were not as ambitious as the 2 guys last year . Vince was the brains of the outfit and his sidekick was a rather plump boy of about 20 years of age , Kevin . I got to know more about Kevin than I ever planned on knowing , but he was one of those kids that wore his pants too low and his butt crack and I got way too familiar . Julie even remarked about it . They were slow , clumsy and not too creative . Vince decided to be the comedian and told me jokes at $ 75 an hour . Not one brought a legitimate laugh . The Lovely Jules showed up about 9 AM and went on a donut run . Moving was stressful and it didn 't help that the movers left 2 truck loads of my things at the old house when they announced they were ready to go to the storage locker , our first stop . I should have checked . They unloaded and once again Vince took the lead and showed Keven how a real mover works , on my ticket ! Second stop . Julie 's house and by now we were heading towards 2 PM . More unloading and more confusion . It was like trying to fit 20 LB of sand in a 10 LB bag . Kevin the klutz unloaded all of my clothes onto the pool table and the picture I took gives you a general idea of what it 's like around here . My job tomorrow is to attempt to put all of those clothes into 2 little closets . I guess I 'll be visiting Goodwill with a rather large donation . On this eve of the day before moving , I realize that I 've married women with less forethought than I 've given this move . Is it my age or position in life that concerns me , or the fact that I 'm stressing over selling and giving away half or better of my possessions . When a marriage breaks up , you lose half of your things . I 'm losing my stuff up front and getting a Costco wife and I 'm pretty sure that 's not the same ! I 've been living alone for about 9 years now and living with the Lovely Jules is likely to shake things up a bit . That won 't be a bad thing . So we both go forward , stressing the way that people that are used to having their own way do , but everything is going to be just fine because frankly , it just feels right . As I picked up my ironing board and put it into LJ 's truck that I 've had all week , I knew she 'd say something about her already having one , but what was I supposed to do with mine ? When I got there , LJ helped me unload and when she got to the ironing board , she did just what I expected , almost word for word . I just explained it was for the garage sale ! It will be fine , you 'll see ! With all of my efforts on Craig 's List , placing ads everyday and waiting for the phone to ring . Dealing with the people that text " Is your " Item " still for sale " and you reply yes and hear nothing in return , I only got one single call that amounted to anything and finally , 36 hours later they showed up . All six of them . It kind of went like this . When I awakened Saturday morning , there was one missed call that didn 't leave a message . About an hour later , I was sipping coffee and decided to call the anonymous caller and explain that I got a message that he 'd called . He answered and I immediately identified him as a youthful Hispanic , about 22 years old . A demographic that I rather enjoy dealing with . To get rid of me , he said he 'd call me in an hour when he 's ready to come out and see the bedroom set I 'd advertised . I had no expectation of ever hearing from him again . About 3 hours later , the kid called again asked for instructions on how to find me , as he and his lady friend were coming my way . I gave him instructions and he and his girl appeared about another hour later . He was a tall youthful African - American man , about 22 and very polite and she was a Caucasian girl that never pushed herself away from the table in time . Cool , my first inter - racial couple . They were both very pleasant and I enjoyed their company for a few minutes , when he announced that he was doing a little front work for his aunt that was the real buyer , but she would take his word for it , that everything was quite nice . My own experience with people , is that when they spend a lot of time explaining why they are going to come back another time , you NEVER see them again . Human nature . As much as I liked this couple , I never expected to see them again . They were supposed to call me about 7 PM when Auntie got home from work . The call never came . Today , at about 10 AM , I replaced my ads because that 's what you have to do on Craig 's List and was relaxing from my full week of packing . At about 1 PM , I got a call from an elderly woman explaining she Posted by Paws is the Dude on the right . Today was a sort of exciting day for this man , who seems to have been moving all of his life . I arrived at LJ 's house with a load of kitchen plants , the contents of my kitchen junk drawer and the flying bitch , a statue that has been on one plant shelf or another for the past 20 years . She now sits at the side of Julie 's swimming pool looking anticipatory . When the Lovely Jules left my old house yesterday , she looked into my freezer and spotted 2 packages of frozen spare ribs that she swiftly carried out my door , looking back and saying we 'll have ribs tomorrow ! As the door slammed closed , I believe I yelled , " Okay " , but she was already on her way home with one of my leftover car lot cars . As I walked in her kitchen door , I distinctly smelled ribs cooking and found LJ sitting in our 78 degree sun chatting on the phone with Professor M . I didn 't ask , but could tell by the smile on her face . Pawpaw was sunning himself in what will eventually be my room . Paws is about 20 years old and looks as old as any dog I 've ever seen . He seems to have aged quite a bit in the last year or so and can just barely make it around the house . He wobbles and falls a lot , but still has the attitude of a young pup and still goes into the pool on a regular basis , even in the colder weather . I laugh as Julie tries to lift him out of the pool , the only part he can 't quite do himself . I unloaded and chatted when LJ got off the phone and listened to her events of the day . I was kind of doing my own thing when Julie came running into the garage asking if I 'd seen Paws , he 's gone ! Gone , I said , where did he go ? Dumb question . Julie was frantic looking everywhere . She leaves the service door from the garage into the backyard open a lot and I had the garage door open and when Paws saw his chance and no one was around , evidently he just sneaked out . LJ was freaking out ! She hopped into her truck that I had just finished unloading and took off looking for him . Not knowing what else to do , I jumped into my car and drove oPosted by If you 've been reading this blog , then you 're probably aware of the fact that I 'm moving out of this dump . I rented it under duress while searching for an entire day for suitable accommodations . I picked it quickly , but never really liked the neighborhood or the house . I particularly disliked the home owner that I rented from . He was just one of those engineer types that had zero personality and a full beard . Big fat fucker too . If you 've been following my life in any possible way , you are probably aware of the fact that I 'm a recovered alcoholic . I say " recovered " because I was left a shadow of my former self , lying on a hospital gurney , after open heart surgery . It was on that gurney that I decided to completely stop drinking alcoholic beverages in any way shape or form . It will be 6 years since I made that decision , in a few days , Jan . 23rd . So when I moved into this dump , I took all of the alcoholic beverages in my house and put them in a cardboard box and stored them in the garage . It felt kind of nice knowing that the booze was out there , yet had no control over me in any way . Proof is that I never noticed when someone , without permission , entered my garage and stole my box - o - booze . Whoever took it , made an excellent choice , because including all of the junk I 've stored in boxes , that was my most least proud possession . Actually , if I had found the box in question , my intention was to throw it all away anyhow , creating one box less to move . So , to my most recent thief , I thank you ! If you 're a lion tamer or a shark wrestler , chances are my day wasn 't terribly interesting to you , but to me it was . . . . . . . . . . . . different . My plan was to get a new battery for my Toyota , as that 's the car that LJ is most comfortable driving when I borrow her truck , which she has been gracious enough to loan me on a regular basis for my move . The battery in the Toyota is not really acting up , but it just doesn 't seem perfect when you go to start it and I suspect that it 's time is about up and I 'd hate for it to crap out when LJ is using it . So I headed over to Costco , remembering that the battery for my Corvette was only $ 54 , so the battery for a Toyota ought to be about free ! Well , a couple of years has passed since I 'd bought the Corvette battery and I was surprised to see that the price for their number 3 rated battery was 69 smackeroos ! But it wasn 't all that easy . If you know the layout of Costco , you know that the batteries are way at the back of the store , just before the bakery section . When I got there , they were gone ! All , just gone . With a puzzled look on my face , I approached an employee and inquired and he said they put them in the Tire Store up front . Naturally , only about 2 blocks away ! As I trudge on forward to the front of the store , I realize that the tire section is in the very entrance to the store and it isn 't accessible from anywhere but the entrance , which is not available to patrons that are already inside the confines of the store . With 2 loafs of bread in my cart , along with a new book by Nelson DeMille , I approach the woman that checks your membership card to ask permission to walk out of the store , to walk right back in , to go to the Tire Store . With a very serious look on her face I am denied ! She explains that she is NOT allowed to permit anyone to do that . I tell her I 'm gonna make a run for it and if she wants to , to call 911 . With that , I bolted out the door and right back in and looked back at her and said , I warned you ! With a rather soiled look on her face , she turned and continuPosted by Well , it 's Martin Luther King Day again and it 's the day that every year I bore you with , in 1991 I had my first hair transplant , on this day and in 1987 I married my second wife , and on this day and in 1988 I gave up my most awful habit of all , smoking the dreaded cigarettes ! As I write this , that rotten cat is asleep in my favorite chair . I just threw him out once and he clawed me , but when I opened the garage to do some work on my car , he sneaked back in . Oh well , when I move , he 's definitely not getting the new address ! Here is why I felt so compelled to write today , this holiday of sorts . Yesterday , I borrowed the truck of the Lovely Jules to move some things to the storage locker and also some of my garage belonging to Julie 's garage . She made room for me . She helped me unload the truck and I marveled at her agility for a woman her age , as she jumped off the bed of the truck , not even interrupting her sentence . Wow ! I mention that I didn 't know what to do with my beloved patio set , that I 've had for so many years . I believe her exact words were , " put that piece of shit on Craig 's List for FREE ! " It appeared that I was the only one that loved that piece of shit ! So today , in addition to putting it online for FREE , I advertised my two or three other bedroom sets on Craig 's List . The ones that I put online for money went on easily , but every time I tried to put the patio set on for free , it wouldn 't accept it and would just erase my efforts . On the 5th try , I was about to just give up , figuring it was a sign from God , it accepted it . . . I turned off the computer , and headed to the restroom , but never got there . My phone rang . It was a woman that lived about 6 blocks away that said she had a truck and the desire for my patio set , as well as a strong husband . Before I could say , come and get it , the phone beeped indicating a new call . I excused myself and it was another taker and before I was able to give the first lady my address , there were 5 more calls ! When I finally listened to all of the voicemails , there were Posted by Today I rented a storage locker , my first ever . In and of itself , that 's not terribly exciting , but what it triggered were thoughts from long ago . The storage locker was $ 100 per month and I 'm required to have insurance for $ 7 . 50 , creating a total of $ 107 . 50 . That was the cost of my very first apartment that I rented when I was just a boy , moving out for the first time . The year was 1965 and I had just returned from New York from a training program for the job I had just secured . I was the local rep for Illinois , Indiana and Wisconsin for Gaslight Slacks . I lied and told them I was 26 , when in truth I was only 19 , but in those days they didn 't check into things like age and took you for your word ( which was not too accurate ) . Really a different time . I was 19 and thought I knew everything . It was a Friday around 5 PM when the phone rang and my Mom answered it . I heard her say , Mel and then hung up on the caller . I asked what that was about and she explained it was one of my tramps calling here . Innocently , I asked how she knew it was a tramp , if she never even asked who it was ? She said , " If she 's calling you , she 's a tramp " ! I knew then , that if I ever wanted to get laid , I 'd better get my own place ! That was what you called a defining moment . I called my buddy Dave Levee and asked him if he wanted to get an apartment with me and he said , sure . It was on . I grabbed the newspaper and found an apartment , now get this , that was on the entrance to Edgewater Cemetery . There was the cemetery entrance gate , then a block of buildings and at the end of that street was my apartment building and a big cemetery . Now that I think about it , I was with Dave , my buddy and we both agreed it was pretty cool . I signed the lease and paid them the deposit and Dave was reluctant to join me , but I was hell bent on moving out of Mom and Dad 's . Dave never did join me , except for the times he wanted to use my place for romantic dates . Some friend , huh ? Another thing I think back about , is the fact that neither of my parents were interestedPosted by If you 've been following my blog / life at all , you 'll know that I was almost impregnated by an unscrupulous dentist , a Dr . Ralph Lloyd Juriansz DDS PhD . He screwed me to the point that there is no coming back . I 'm not the least bit reluctant to mention his name out loud and often , to save someone else from his demented wrath . When you engage the services of a professional , there is a certain amount of trust involved . It never occurs to you that his intentions are not legitimate . This is the case with Dr . Ralph Lloyd Juriansz . I had a doctor 's appointment with an internist in the same office complex and sure as shit , he 's flown the coup . There is another doctor occupying his former office . This was already told to me by the Arizona Board of Dentistry , when they called and informed me of their decision in my favor . When Chase Bank sided with the good doctor , I realized their decision was based upon who they could collect from . That would be me , since the creep is gone , took the high road to nowhere land . I contested their decision and wrote to the Federal Reserve . This is the regulatory agency that regulates Chase Bank . Frankly , this was not an easy task , as no one admitted to being the correct agency . I finally just wrote to all off them . About a week ago , I got a call from a Jessica Jones from Chase Bank and she informed me that the case was assigned to her and that she 'd be in touch with me soon , with a new decision . Today the call came . although I was busy , I stopped what I was doing ( frying eggs ) and sat down to relax and enjoy the reversal of decision . But it didn 't happen . Although she was poised and polite , the fact still remained that the bosses told her to side in their own favor and that I still owe the $ 3500 . She mentioned several times that Chase was just the lending vessel . As a consolation prize , she offered me the $ 3500 loan at 0 % interest , for the balance , until paid off . Honestly , when I contacted the Federal Reserve , I was expecting them to organize the investigation and not give back to the exact peoPosted by For the past 4 years or so , there has been one person in my life as a constant . When the phone rings at about 11 PM , I usually know without looking who is calling . When a mechanical thing in her home stops doing what it 's supposed to do , sometimes I get a call about that too . Recently her HOA was hounding her to cut some vines , and my shears are already in my car . When my computer quits computing , she 's number one on my list of people to call about recovery services . Whenever a problem arises that I don 't want to deal with on my own , she takes charge of the situation . I 'm talking about the Lovely Jules , who by the way is responsible for me blogging . When she saw me going through the trials and tribulations of finding a new residence , she came up with a solution where I could live in a spacious home with a $ 5 farting dog . She suggested I move in with her ! At first we both thought that would be a disaster . We are two people that are pretty set in our ways and like in the case of Superman , we should never upset that delicate balance of history or nature . But the truth be known , we get along remarkably well for 2 people of opposite genders , that are not romantically involved . The more I thought about it , the more sense it made . For the past 4 years we 've been there for each other and now we 'll really be THERE for each other . So the announcement that I 'm making in this post of " Things I 've Left Behind " is that the Lovely Jules ( LJ ) and I will from now forward , be FLATMATES , < - - - - - - - Julies choice of terms . God help us ! A very interesting day took place today . Here 's the deal . With my new insurance company , United Health Care , I am required to have a primary care physician , whether or not I want one . This individual 's job is to distribute referrals for other doctors that you may indeed need . In my humble case , I need a cardiologist and a kidney specialist . I made an appointment with both of those doctors and each in turn responded by telling me that my referral expired and I needed a new one . I contacted my primary care physician and only to find out that she no longer sees patients and only works out of the hospital . I asked my Kidney specialist for another PCP and he referred me to his friend , a doctor Simon . After much to do , I finally reached Dr . Simon 's office to find out he doesn 't take my insurance . Back to step one . I called my former PCP 's office and asked who they were referring my former doctor 's patients to and she replied Dr . Wong . Do I want to make an appointment with Dr . Wong ? Yes please , I replied and I need it right away , because my appointment with my cardiologist is on Tuesday , tomorrow . She agreed to make an appointment for today . I met the infamous Dr . Wong today , but I could not help but use the title line to introduce myself . After cracking the office door , a young lady said to me , " May I help you " ? I said , yes , I 'm here for my appointment , my name is Mel Fisher and I have an appointment with Dr . White . She said , you mean Dr . Wong and I replied , " I NEVER COULD TELL WHITE FROM WONG " ! My entrance was a big success and all but a little fat girl thought it was pretty funny and assured me that I was the first to use that line . The little fat girl scowled at me , because that 's what little fat girls do and I entered the inner office . You know , the office that terrible things happen within . After meeting Dr . Wong , a rather slight , youthful man , we chatted and I was out of there in about 20 minutes . He told me I was due for a colonoscopy and I assured him I 'd be doing that in the near future , OUCH ! He agreed to sendPosted by I walked out the front door today , something that I seldom do , and just about tripped over a box that was abandoned there by Fed Ex . Who knows how long it 's been settled in on the front porch ? My mind went whirling back to a conversation I had with a lady I 'd been texting with a few days ago . I was complaining to a lady in the Chicago area about how freezing cold it was here in the " Valley of the Sun " . Naturally I was exaggerating the cold , seeing as it was almost below zero there , when we spoke . Our weather threatened to drop to the 40 's . I tore open the box and sure enough it was from her , and along with it was a note explaining that they were out of long johns everywhere but perhaps this sweatshirt might keep me nice and toasty and there was this beautiful navy blue , Izod sweatshirt in a fashion style . What do I say ? Well , thank you to Sherry , for worrying about this old man freezing to death in our scary cold weather . This post was formerly titled Old Man Rants about CVS , but after Martha 's RUDE comment , I thought a name change was due . Am I the only person that has trouble with CVS and their telephone menu ? Here 's the deal . I 've never used CVS before , but I noticed they had a big drive though location at Tatum and Bell Rd in Phoenix and made a mental note to try them . I think the time I tried them , I was shopping for Musilex for the Lovely Jules when she got a case of the Flu . They were fine or so I thought . Fast forward , I 'm living in an area that is congested with traffic and although there is a Walgreen 's close by , it is located in the busy area and to slip in and out to pick up a prescription , makes for aggravation . I also noted that 1 / 2 mile in the opposite direction is a 24 hour CVS . I transferred all of my prescriptions for blood pressure meds to CVS . One day I was shopping with my Costco wife , the Lovely Jules , when the first experience with them was a phone call from them , saying that my prescription for one of my routine meds was denied . Denied , I asked ? What do you mean by that ? It didn 't have any refills left on it , so we cannot fill it . I suggested they call Dr . Harvey and ask his assistant Harris to refill the order . She said she tried faxing them but got no reply . I explained that sometimes the assistant is busy and he 'll get to it , or to call Harris at such n such number , and I gave her the number and ask for a refill on that med . There was a long silence and I asked if she wrote down the number ? She said , no you didn 't tell me to write it down . I asked if she had a pen or pencil and she said no , to wait . I did and she came back and I slowly gave her the number . Again a longer than comfortable pause and she asked . And WHY am I writing down this number ? ? ? OH - MY - GAWD ! I explained that she needed to call Harris and I hung up . She never called ! Eventually , Harris replied by refilling the fax he got a day later , so all was eventually okay . Next experience was Dr . Harvey had Harris call in a new prescription for a med . Posted by It wasn 't long ago that I was writing about the kitty that has adopted me . Now , just a few shorts days later , I 'm writing about the pest that I inherited . He seems to belong to the house I reside in . That , or he has made me his natural victim . What started out as a friend acquaintance , has turned into a annoying habit . Don 't misunderstand , there are times when I enjoy his company , but seldom will he just relax and sleep or just hang around . He jumps up on counters , something that I would not allow if he were my cat exclusively , but apparently he 's developed some bad habits two doors down , where he really lives and got his training or lack of it . Also , when he 's not jumping on top of my counters or even my laptop computer , he 's standing in one spot kneading on some sort of leather furniture or my own skin . If I allow him on my lap , his favorite place , I have to cushion him with a blanket between he and I , to prevent too much bleeding . Another of his favorite places to sleep , is a lamp table behind my reclining chair . At some point , about 4 days ago I ostracized him , forbidding him to come into the house . Yesterday , I was grilling chicken and there was no refusing him . He charged the open door and stood there laughing at me , as I worked the barbecue . So Needie is back and as I write this he is outside of my door singing me a song , but mostly begging to come inside . If suddenly you 're reading and a word comes out as " rkfg # % ^ & ukj " , it simply means that Needie is walking across the keyboard ! To the average person , a title that read " PICTURES 1 / 3 OFF " would indicate a sale on art work , but not here in the world of online dating . One of the funniest things in the world , is for a thin person to explain to a fat person how to lose weight . Sure , I 'm a little angry , but nothing I won 't get over . The story played out something like this . . . Before moving along here , I might point out that the error was made by me . About 2 months ago , I met a perfectly charming lady online that was 52 years old , blond haired with ice blue eyes . She was from Australia and has been here in this country for 9 years . She also possessed a cute accent from down under , a definite plus . After making email contact , she just faded away , indicating to me that she had met someone that was occupying her time . Hey , this just happens . In my dialogue with her , I initially asked if my age of 64 was going to be a problem and she assured me , no . She gave me her phone number and about 8 hours later , I called and got voicemail . I left a civil message and waited for her to return my call . Later I texted her that I stay up late and not to worry if it got too late . Still , no reply . . So I forgot about her . I 'd see her online from time to time , but again , that just happens . New Year 's Day , I saw her online on a different venue and sent her a New Year greeting and asked whatever happened to her a couple of months ago ? Her reply came yesterday on the Jan . 2nd and it explained that she had every intention of returning my call , but her next door neighbor came in , a lady that also is on the dating sights and she mentioned that she had gone out on 2 dates with a Mel and her Mel had a very funny profile too . Not wanting to date the same man , she just let my heels cool . ( Women can do that ) . When my New Year Greeting arrived on Saturday , her neighbor was over having a New Year glass of wine and explained that I was NOT her Mel . So in a hysterical email she LOLed her way back into my favor and immediately called me LOLing even more . Okay , now you 've got the backPosted by |
Hi I am Jo … wife , lover , best friend and soulmate to Keith . Lover of all things to do with nature and the canals . I am passionate about the Waterways and its history . I hope you will join me in my rambles and do please comment - I love to hear from and meet new people in blogland ! New Years Eve began at 6am with Keith clambering over me to visit the smallest room on the boat , so whilst he was up he made us both a cup of tea , which was drunk in bed at such an early hour . The wind was blowing a hooley outside , but all was warm and cosy in the back cabin , even Marmite paid us a visit to say " Good Morning " . 8 am it was time to get up and start the daily routine , of making up the fires , taking the dog out for his walk and having breakfast . Today in some respects was different though because I found myself thinking about the year we had enjoyed and then looking forward to the New Year we were about to begin . I got to thinking about the highs of 2012 , which for me was visiting places I had never been to before and the sheer excitement of using the Anderton Lift for the first time . Also part of the highs was meeting many old friends , but also making new friends , who we hope to see again sometime on the cut . We have been to a few festivals in 2012 , all of them great fun , I think the ones I enjoyed the most were , the Northwich Festival , Shackerstone Festival and as always The Village at War gathering at Stoke Bruerne . Some very good memories . The lows of 2012 included having to buy five new batteries and redoing their electrics , which cost us a lot of money , but that is the joys of owning a boat , you take the rough with the smooth and move on . We will have to tighten our belts for a few months . With the boat jobs done , there was a knocking on the engine room door , one of our regular customers had arrived for a couple of bags of coal , so we got to chatting about our plans for New Years Eve , he and his family were having a party and for Keith and I well , we had thought of going to Br 61 at Foxton , but with the weather closing in and with Keith having another doctors appointment on Wednesday , we decided we would stay put . I cannot see the point in wasting diesel to go there and back and not only that neither of us are big drinkers , and I would prefer not to sit around watching others getting drunk Jo Lodge As we plunge ever closer to the New Year , I want to take this opportunity to say a special thank you to all our customers old and new , you really are important to us and we thank you for your support , threw the good and bad times . Hopefully we will see you during 2013 somewhere along the cut . I also want to say thank you to all of you who has taken the time to read my ramblings such as they have been . I cannot promise they will be any better in 2013 , but I will do my best to keep them interesting . I dare say we will all be asking " What will the next twelve months hold in store for me and those I hold most dear ? I hope that I will have a healthy 12 months and that those I hold most dear will have the same . " Remember start living life and stop letting life live you . Remember it 's not how many don 't love you that matters but how many you love . " Our New Year will begin with taking on diesel , doctors appointment and then we will head South , so I will say once again before I go . HAPPY NEW YEAR , may it be kind to you where ever you are xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Posted by Keith has been making another rag rug . Yesterday whilst sorting the pieces in to a bag , Marmite thought it would be a great place to settle down for a nap . She did not give a hoot that we were trying to fill the bag with pieces of material cut for the rug . Posted by It began at 7am for me , but for Keith he was awake at 2am . I think he was hoping to see Santa ; 0 ) . Cup of tea in bed whilst listening to Hfm , with Dave Irvine playing Christmas tunes . Paddy decided as his Christmas treat he would climb up on to the bed between us for his Christmas cuddle , the cheeky boy . 8 . 30am it time to get up and take him out in my scruffs , no point dressing up to walk along a muddy towpath . Whilst walking , the Kingfisher flew from tree to tree and the church bells rang out across Market Harborough , what a perfect way to start the day . Breakfast was eaten , mog and dog were fed and the phone rang . Now Hfm were doing a competition to win a bottle of Champagne . Dave would ring a random number and providing you answered " Ho , Ho , Ho " you got put into the draw for the Champagne . Now I knew no one else would be ringing , so I answered with " Ho , Ho , Ho " and yes it was Dave wishing Keith and I a Happy Christmas . There I was live on air chatting to Dave and knowing that people from across the area and the world would be listening . Dave asked me all about Christmas on the boat and how I manage to cook Christmas dinner , he also asked the old age question , " aren 't we cold on the boat in Winter ? to which I answered No . It was wonderful to have a chat with him and to wish everyone a very Happy Christmas that knows us . Morning boat jobs then got done , and I ironed my best top , yep the iron came out which is not something that happens very often , but it looked a mess . There I was all dressed up to the nines for Christmas Day and waiting to go out for Christmas dinner and so I thought it was time to heat up the mull wine and a couple mince pies , which were soon consumed . Neither Keith or I have ever had mulled wine before and I have to say I do like it . I opened a present from a friend and now have a new Apron and some smellies . Keith opened the watch he bought himself and I had a couple of small items from Keith in my stocking . No I was not wearing them at the time ; 0 ) . As you should already know weJo Lodge It is Christmas Eve and it has been raining hard for most of the day , bringing the water level up by six inches . I feel for everyone caught up in the floods at the moment , I do not suppose they will be having a Merry Christmas , so my thoughts are with them . Last night Keith and I donned our glad rags and headed off down into the town to Veneto 's the Italian Restaurant for an evening out with Hfm the local radio station who we are very good friends with . It is the first time in a few years that we have been out to a party , so we were both quite excited , so excited in fact we arrived way to early , so had to walk around for a bit whilst we waited for others to arrive . It was fantastic to see so many familiar faces , many of the DJ 's who do an amazing job at the radio station . There are so few local radio stations around these days and so it is important to support them . Hfm is brilliant with its support for the surrounding area . We had a three course meal and a bottle of wine all of which was very nice . We got to chat with people we already knew and people we had never met before but had heard on the radio . By the time we left it was 11 . 00pm and I was very much ready for my bed . When we got back to the boat we did not linger long before heading off to bed . There was I thinking I would sleep like a log , but no such luck , both Keith and I were awake at 4am with mouths so dry they resembled the bottom of a parrots cage . There was only one thing for it a nice cup of tea . I know we should have been sleeping , but the dryness of our throats kept us both awake , so there was little point fighting the urge for a cuppa . Cuppa drunk , we did settle back down beneath the duvet for another couple of hours , the alarm then went off at 7am , because Keith had a doctors appoint to go to at 8 . 30am . Up and about , I lit the back cabin stove , so I could put a gammon joint in the oven to cook . I am trying out something others have done and that is to cook the joint in Coke Cola . I know it sounds mad , but I am told it is scrummy , so I am Jo Lodge That 's it I am done . This morning I walked down into town to buy the vegetables and fruit we will need over Christmas , oh and I came back with a bottle of Mulled Wine , which neither Keith or I have ever had before . I have no idea why we have never had it before , the wine that is but I cannot remember having ever drunk it before , so I am looking forward to trying it with mince pies and cheese . The town was pretty quiet , but it was 9 . 30am so I guess not to many people were out and about on such a beautiful morning . After all the rain we had yesterday the Welland was well up , although I think it had dropped a bit overnight . With more rain forecast I expect it will come up again . Before I went down into the town Keith and I supplied one of our customers with coal , before they headed off to Debdale for a pump out , because the one in the basin is still not in use to private boats . So they are having to cruise all the way to Debdale and back to get pumped out which is not ideal . Hopefully the problem will be resolved in the New Year . Today is supposed to be the day the world ends , so this maybe the last posting I ever write and you ever read . If the prediction does not come true , I will see you tomorrow . Posted by It is that time of year when everyone is busy getting ready for the festive season . So I thought I would wish you my happy readers a wonderful festive time . May Father Christmas bring you what your heart desires and you glass overflow with human kindness . Have a wonderful time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx . Posted by A couple of days ago , we ran the engine which we like to do once a week when moored for more than a week , this is to ensure it runs on both cylinders , because the engine is an elderly lady she gets a little out of sorts if she is not run . We have found in the past that if we do not run the engine for a more than a week it only runs on only one cylinder for about 10 minutes before the 2nd cylinders comes to life . So by running the engine once a week we help to stop this from occurring . That is the theory anyway , because we did this a couple of days ago and despite running for some 15 to 20 minutes , the engine only ran on the 1 cylinder , which caused alarm bells to ring , and the pound signs to flash before my eyes . Yesterday morning we stripped the engine down , Yes we , because I know as much about our vintage engine as Keith does . First thing to do was to take the rocker covers off . All seemed ok in that department . Keith then wanted to see which cylinder was not firing , which is easy to do , by running the engine and using one of our large screwdrivers , he put it in the right place and found out it was the sternward cylinder which was not firing . Step 2 was to bleed the injector pumps to ensure that fuel was feeding through to them . Keith started with the sternward pump , and having loosened it some air bubbled out along with some fuel , so here was the problem . He then checked the other pump and that bled perfectly . Before replacing the rocker cover he restarted the engine and wooo hoo , both cylinders were firing , which was music to our ears . We had both been fearing the worst that it was going to cost us a small fortune to put right , but a bit of knowledge and no how and we sorted it ourselves . This morning it was the turn of the washing machine to get a run to see if it was running ok , because the last time I used it , it threw itself around the galley like something demented . With great trepidation I weighed out 2kg of washing and laid it in the washing machine evenly , added the detergent , shut the door and switchJo Lodge As you are probably aware by reading my postings , Marmite and Paddy are the best of buddies and have been since the day they first met . They sleep together , play together and love watching the world go by together . Yesterday it was a stand off in the galley as to who would move first , whoever moved first was going to be the one instigating the play , which happens every day , when they charge up and down the boat after each other , it never fails to make me laugh . Nine times out of Ten Marmite always wins , but Paddy comes back for more punishment day after day . The Christmas tree is still fascinating to Marmite and last night she thought she would play with the decorations with out me noticing . She will never learn . I would not mind betting that when we are not on the boat , she is there playing with the baubles . Posted by It has been a lovely warm Winter 's day , with no wind and lots of sunshine . You could have been mistaken for thinking Spring had arrived early , but of course we know that cannot be because Christmas Day is just around the corner and people are running around like headless chicken buying up the shops , well that is how it seemed yesterday when I walked down into the town . The town was in fact heaving with people trying to complete their Christmas shopping and in the process they were forgetting to smile , even if through gritted teeth as they walked through people like me who have no further shopping to do and yet I felt like I should apologise for their rudeness . I guess I could have left my bit of shopping for another day , but with photographs to hang and no brackets to hang them with a trip to the shops was called for . Today Sunday as I have said was a lovely warm day and it meant I could get on with my list of things to do . First I had to do the fires , then walk Paddy . Keith cooked us breakfast as he always does on a Sunday and I do so enjoy being spoilt even if it is for one day . After my lovely breakfast , I got the hose out of the hold and connected it up to the water tap to fill the tank , which I have taken to filling once a week whilst we are on a mooring . Whilst the water slowly filled the tank and I mean slowly because it trickles out of the taps on the towpath , but there was no hurry . So whilst the trickle carried on into the tank , I went and emptied the toilet cassette and got rid of rubbish . Back at the boat , I then fired off some Pork loin steaks for dinner , which would then spend all day slow cooking in the back cabin stove . On to the next job and that was to give the bathroom a good clean , it has been a little neglected of late . The flannels were but in my boiling pot on the back cabin stove to boil for half an hour . By the time I got through my Sunday list it was then lunchtime , so I made us some lunch , then sat down with a coffee to enjoy some Sunday afternoon films . Sunday afternoon was to be a qJo Lodge One of the pounds at Meaford on the Trent and Mersey Canal near Stone was drained this morning as police searched for Mr Holmes . Another very sad loss at this festive time . My thoughts go out to his family . I have no idea what he had eaten but yesterday Paddy was not a happy boy . Throughout the day he kept bringing up bile . We first knew he was off colour when we got back from town and found that he had been sick in the engine room , this then continued to be the case throughout the day on and off . For the first time in ages he was not even looking for his evening meal , he just lay in his bed looking all sorry for himself . This morning having not been sick all night , he was eager for his walk and has had his three bone shaped biscuits , so we will see what today offers . I still have no idea what caused him to be sick , because I know he has not eaten anything out of the ordinary . Posted by Hi Folks . There is something amazing about watching the water freeze in front of your eyes and that is exactly what happened last night . I watched out of the galley doors as the water on the canal began to freeze as the temperature dropped below freezing again . It was a little like watching the ice come towards you like in the film " The day after Tomorrow " , ok not that dramatic but that is what comes to mind . The temperature got down to - 5 . 8c last night and so this morning I woke to the sound of the ice creaking , it is almost as if it is singing when it cracks . Keith got up to visit the toilet and with the movement of the boat the ice cracked along the length of the boat . As I have said before this is my favourite time of the year , and I love what the Winter throws at me . Whilst Keith was up he made us a brew and I got up and worked on the back cabin fire , breathing some life into it after it had been dampened down over night . It was not long before I could hear it roaring away , so shut the bottom door and enjoyed the warmth being given off , as Keith and I sat in bed drinking our first cuppa of the day whilst watching " Are you smarter than a 10 year old " . I can honestly say I am not , but it is funny to watch people falling down over very easy questions and yes I am a little smug when I know the answer . 8 . 15am time to get out of bed , mainly because my bottom was numb sitting up in bed . Once dressed it was time to take Paddy out for his first walk of the day . He was well up for leaping off the boat , but as it was a little icy , I helped him off in a more gentle style . The towpath was not slippery for a change , so I allowed Paddy off the lead once past the moored boats for a bit of a run . The one thing with Paddy is , once he has had enough , he will turn around and head back to the boat , and we had not gone far , before he did just that , he had done his business , which was picked up and put in the poo bin . Back on the boat breakfast was ready and so having fed mog and dog , I got to sit down and have my breakfJo Lodge I am so honoured that I get to see the seasons come and go and I especially love the Winter . I love watching it in all its glory . This morning we are frozen in with the temperature getting down to - 3 . 3 c over night , thankfully the fog has begun to lift and it looks like the sun may pop out later . With us being on a Winter mooring until at least the beginning of January , I have not had much to write about , but I did think to myself that yesterday ( Tuesday ) was a busy old day for me . It all began at 7am with me stoking the back cabin fire , making a cup of tea which was enjoyed in bed . When I stepped off the boat with Paddy it was very foggy , bringing the temperature down , I walked Paddy along the towpath and watched the Kingfisher scoot past me on its way to find some unfrozen water . Whilst I was out Keith laid up the breakfast and put the generator to charge up our new batteries , which are doing a sterling job . After breakfast a customer came around to collect two bags of coal , I then delivered four bags of coal to a boater in the basin . It was then time to stoke the saloon stove up for the day . I found time for a coffee before heading off to the sanitary station with the toilet cassette , rubbish and a bag of ash , which all got dumped one way or another . Phew time for lunch and five minutes break . After some lunch , I headed off down to the town to do a couple of things , I always find the walk back up the hill hard work , but it does get the old heart pumping . By the time I got everything done it was well into the afternoon and I was beginning to feel as if I had done a hard days work , arghhhhhhh I hate the four letter word . Time for my second coffee of the day and a chance to sit down and watch Dickinson 's Real Deal . There is never any rest for the wicked , because I then had dinner to cook , animals to feed and after all that the fires needed stoking for the night . All in all it was a busy old day , but you know what , I would not have changed it . I am the sort of person who likes to keep busy . What did Keith do ? I know your wondering . With the frost came ice on the canal and cobwebs shimmering in the sunlight . The fog had lifted which meant Paddy and I enjoyed a nice walk with the sun looking like we may see it . The canal is frozen again , so the ducks are finding it hard work . The ice in the basin was thick enough for the swans to stand on . They were very grateful for some bread this morning . Today was Tesco food delivery day , but before that I stoked both the fires , finished writing the Christmas cards and posted them and then at midday Keith and I gathered together our boxes and bags and shut the boat up to head for our food delivery . I got the trolley out of the hold and we strode off around the basin which was slippery under foot to the back of the Waterfront Restaurant where we were going to collect our delivery . 12 . 30pm Mr Tesco man arrived , he unloaded the crates and we filled our crates with food . On returning to the boat , Keith passed the crates through the galley doors and I then stowed the food away in the cupboard , fridge and freezer , we are all set for Christmas now . I have a small delivery coming next week with the last items we need for the festive celebrations , it will also last us into the New Year , whether we are still on the Winter mooring or have moved off . After stowing away the food , it was time for lunch and a chance to watch an afternoon movie . Later on it will be time to cook dinner , stoke the fires , feed us and the mog and dog , so I am off now to have a coffee and a mince pie . You either love them or hate them , I love them , but have to say that as a child I did not like them , but was always made to eat at least one on Christmas Day . These days my tastes have changed and I love Brussel Sprouts . If like me you like Sprouts but are never sure what to do with them , then why not give this recipe a go . Grill the sausages for 10 - 12 mins , turning frequently . Meanwhile , peel and roughly chop the parsnips and potatoes , then cook in boiling salted water for about 10 mins . Shred sprouts , add to the pan for the last 2 - 3 mins and cook until all the vegetables are tender . We have been having battery issues for sometime and so Saturday we called into a local firm , " The Battery Store " to buy some new domestic batteries for Hadar . The Battery Store advertises on our local radio station Hfm . Having chatted to Stewart and his son Henry , we selected the appropriate batteries and not only did they deliver them to Union Wharf for us , but even gave us a lift back , which was not only excellent service , but it saved my legs . Keith and I began stripping out the first of our old batteries and we then discovered that these new batteries were too wide to fit in the trays , now we had thought that the batteries were a standard size , but it appears not . Keith rang Henry up and Stewart delivered a new set of batteries , which was very good of him . The afternoon was wearing on into the evening by the time we got them all fitted and connected up . But immediately we noticed a difference . This morning it was time to clean the old batteries up , because they had grease on the bottom , so I knelt on the back counter with a bowl of hot soapy water whilst Keith handed me the batteries , so I could clean them off . Whilst cleaning up the old batteries , we discovered that the original 2 batteries , which were installed at the time that one of our batteries blew it 's tops off due to overvoltage charging 2 years ago , had both got splits in the cases , so we were right in thinking that all 2 had in fact been damaged and I am just pleased that we have replaced them all . It was actually a shock to see the splits in the cases . Our new batteries are traction batteries , which are usually fitted to such things as fork lift trucks , so it will be interesting to see how well these perform . At the moment they are performing really well , in fact so good that this morning we did not run the generator , and when we ran it last night it was for a far shorter period of time , compared to the old batteries . This will definitely reduce our use of diesel quite dramatically . I am glad that we can now stop worrying about how much poweJo Lodge Friday night saw Keith and I head down into Market Harborough for late night shopping , where there were Reindeer to pet , Bands , Singers , Food stalls and Charity stalls to enjoy . Hfm our local radio station were on hand to provide Christmas music and a stage for a local Take That group to preform . We thoroughly enjoyed the evening and despite a little drop of rain , it did not dampen the spirits of the late night shoppers who turned out in their thousands . Although we did no shopping we did have something to eat and just soaked up the atmosphere . Posted by The towpath is a nightmare , it is like glass and I fear someone is going to hurt themselves falling over . I stuck to the grass behind the boat with Paddy this morning , because when Keith took Paddy for his walk along the towpath last night both he and Paddy began sliding all over the place . Everyone stay safe out there . The little darlings in my header photograph have shown their true colours . They may look like butter would not melt in their mouths , but believe me they are no so innocent . Yesterday I put some frozen cooked chicken in a bowl to defrost on the draining board with cling film and a plate on the top . I stupidly thought it would be safe , because neither Paddy or Marmite have taken any notice of defrosting food before . That all changed yesterday , because Keith and I nipped down the town to do a couple of things and when we came back the bowl was on the floor and the contents devoured . Now I am assuming that Marmite did the uncovering of the chicken , she then pushed the bowl to the edge of the work top and Paddy did the rest . Of course that is what I am assuming , because Paddy could not have reached the bowl on his own so they would of had to work together . I did have to giggle , because I had visions of them working out a plan of action to get to the prize . When we got back Marmite was asleep in the back cabin and Paddy was in his bed as if nothing had happened . Luckily I had more chicken in the freezer so no harm done . I was actually more worried about the affect it would have on both their stomachs , but there was no price to pay for their thieving , which was very lucky for them and me . To think of the mess it could have left if they had both had upset tummies arghhhhhh . So from now on I will not be leaving anything out to defrost , unless I am there to supervise . Posted by There are days when nothing seems to go right and you actually wonder if anything will go right again , thankfully I am blessed with not getting to many of those these days . But having had problems with cameras over the last few months , I did wonder if I would have any luck in the direction , well today my luck changed , because I got my Samsung pocket camera back from being repaired and to fill my heart with glee they also repaired Keith 's Samsung pocket camera in the process . It pays to send a letter with the repair it seems , we explained that my camera was still under warranty and the screen went exactly the same as Keith 's camera did and his was out of warranty , so could it be a fault with the camera . It seems it may well have been because although we paid to get Keith 's repaired mine was done free , so thank you very much to Samsung for making me a happy lady . Shame on Curry 's and PC World who did not want to know . I am glad to have my little camera back , as i can take it anywhere . Posted by The Harborough swans were finding movement difficult because to get anywhere they had to break the ice first . They certainly did not have to worry about going hungry though , because people were coming out and feeding them throughout the day . After a lovely brisk walk along the towpath , Paddy and I got back to the boat , to find Keith cooking breakfast , which was large Mushrooms on Toast , one of my favourite breakfasts . After breakfast , I made sure both fires were made up , I then got the coal in for the day . Whilst we are on our Winter mooring , I am filling the water tank once a week . The water taps along the towpath are so slow that it takes over an hour to fill the tank , so leaving it till the tank is empty would been a good couple of hours waiting if not longer , as it was it took well over an hour to fill the tank and that was only after I defrosted the water tap . This the joy of living on a boat during the Winter , but I love this time of year and so just get on with the job in hand no matter what the weather . Water tank filled and hose put away for another week , it was time for a coffee and my mind turned to what to do next . Yesterday I began to do some spider web embroidery . I am planning to make a mobile phone holder if all goes well . I bought the embroidery silks , material and hoop from the market yesterday in Market Harborough , I think it will keep me busy for hours . As the day has worn on into the afternoon the smell of the Turkey stew is creeping along the boat making my tummy rumble . I will be adding some dumplings to the mix later on . But for now I am going to put my feet up and watch a Sunday film . So have a wonderful day and thank you for reading my blog ; 0 ) . Congratulations to Charlie Brooks on becoming Queen of the Jungle last night . I really enjoyed this series and found it was to close to call as to who would win it . I really have enjoyed watching it and cannot wait for next years . One of my favourites was Eric Bristow purely because he said it was it was and was just himself . Having had my tooth out yesterday ( Friday ) , I must say I did feel a little sorry for myself for the rest of the day and in the end having been on the painkillers , I took myself off to bed at 9 . 30pm . I did not even see David Haye leave the jungle awwwww . I just felt I needed to go to bed and sleep , which is exactly what I did until 7 . 30am , so it was well worth putting my head to bed . Whilst closing the boat up for the night , I looked out to see a foggy old night . I woke up Saturday morning and on waking up , I was so pleased that my gum no longer hurt and my mouth actually felt pretty normal , even though there is a gapping hole in the my gum , but at least no more pain . I got up and made us a cup of tea and we sat in bed listening to the radio for an hour before I got up to do the fire and then to take Paddy for his walk along a frosty towpath with sleet beginning to fall . There was a thin layer of ice on the surface of the canal , meaning we got down well below freezing last night , on returning to the boat I checked out temperature gauge and it said _ 4 . 2C , so yes it was very chilly over night . It is not set to last though as rain is coming back in if the forecasters are to be believed . Breakfast was enjoyed by all of us . Marmite was especially pleased to see food in her dishes because they were both empty , which was why she kept pestering us whilst we drank our first cuppa of the day in bed . Marmite is a cat that hates being hungry , I cannot say I blame her , I am not a happy bunny when I am hungry . After doing all the usual morning stuff , Keith and I walked down into the town , so I could get vegetables . Marmite thought that the veggies needed inspecting after I took them out of my rucksack , normally she would be in my rucksack like grease lightening , but no she was more interested in the veg . With lunch out of the way it was time to dust off the Christmas tree and decorations once again . We do not bother with much and this year all our lights are being run by the sun , so we if do not get any sun there will be no ChrJo Lodge Having had problems with a gum infection for a few weeks , this morning I had the troublesome tooth taken out , so no more gum infection I hope . I am as you probably know by now not great at going to the dentist , but this morning it all went really well . The lady dentist put in three lots of local anesthetic before getting the pliers out to extract the tooth , which I could hear cracking under the pressure . Thankfully the tooth did come out cleanly , so I just need to keep the area clean and allow the clot to form properly over the extraction site . I was feeling a bit light headed , so made myself some soup and a roll , which made me feel better , but there will be no hard food things for a couple of days , I do however have to do salt water mouthwashes so the gum can heal . My dentist showed me the tooth afterwards and it was mainly filling , so it was probably a good thing it came out . Posted by This may not have been the most stunning building , but it had stood since 1939 . The Ritz Cinema was the last to be planned by the Union Cinemas circuit , as they were taken over by Associated British Cinemas ( ABC ) . The cinema was completed and opened it on 22 May 1939 and it gave pleasure to many in the area . The Ritz was fitted with with Cinemascope in 1955 . In 1961 it became the ABC and as well as showing films you could get your weekly fix of Bingo . The cinema closed on 25th April 1978 with apparently a Bruce Lee film finishing its days as a cinema . It was leased to Silverline Entertainments and became a bingo club . It remained on bingo until 1982 when it was closed . Kwiksave then took it on as a supermarket , but when they left the old Ritz building fell into decline . There have been many rumours as to what it was going to be used for but the rumours have died along with the building . This is the Ritz today . It stands no more . In its place there are going to be retirement apartments and shops . I think its a real shame that such a building has been knocked down , it would have been nice if at least the front of the building could have been saved and incorporated in the new build . But I guess they call it progress , we will see when it comes to selling the apartments , because Market Harborough already has a lot of retirement apartments and many are still sitting empty . Wednesday morning began with me waking early with tooth ache , deep joy . It appears my gum infection is kicking off again , just as well I have my dental appointment tomorrow arghhh . I did manage to get back off to sleep and woke again at 7 . 30am when I heard the alarm clock click to 7 . 30am which was when the alarm was last set for . Wide awake I got up and made the other half and I a cup of tea , which was drunk in bed whilst watching " Are you smarter than a 10 year old " . Clearly neither of us are smarter than 10 year old because we got a couple of the questions wrong . Having been depressed by my lack of knowledge I got up at 8 . 30am , because Paddy was stirring in his bed which meant he wanted to go out and Marmite was on the prowl for food . Paddy got his walk first along the towpath , where we met Caroline and John heading off on NB Vanyar . We would not see them again before Christmas so I wished them a happy festive time and they headed off to Foxton . Back on the boat , I laid up breakfast and fed Marmite and Paddy . Breakfast over , it was time to relight the back cabin stove and make up the saloon stove . Fires done , time for a coffee and a catch up with e - mails and blogs whilst the generator charged the batteries . Loved this posting on Facebook , it would definitely apply to Marmite , she loves boxes and bags , as you will have seen from previous postings . With batteries charged and e - mails sorted it was time to get some jobs done . I had to climb into the hold to get the days coal for both fires . With s being moored up close to the bank , I have the option to bring coal in everyday , if however we were moored away from the bank , I would probably bring in a weeks worth . Today was my Tesco food delivery day , so a with it being delivered between 12 noon and 1pm , I was ready for the walk to the waterfront restaurant by 12 . 45pm , which is where I would take my delivery . Keith pushed the trolley , whilst I carried the boxes and we waited for our food to arrive . At 12 . 20pm Mr Tesco man ran me to find out where I was , he was at Jo Lodge Today is the Summer Solstice , often called the Longest Day . But surely all days are the same length - approximately 24 hours . It has also been the hottest . . . 553 miles , 449 locks After a wet morning boating through Macclesfield we finally made it home ! Here 's Willow on our new mooring at Bollington Wharf . Plea . . . 553 miles , 449 locks After a wet morning boating through Macclesfield we finally made it home ! Here 's Willow on our new mooring at Bollington Wharf . Plea . . . It 's not often I write about how much disability can suck . I do my very best to stay positive . I write useful posts with coping strategies . I think I do a . . . |
This is it really . Its my blog . After all those times I read everyone elses thoughts I have finally began to publish my own . Hope you enjoy ! This morning I woke up feeling pretty average . My nose was a bit runny and my head was all stuffed up . I thought to myself , I know this feeling , Bloody hayfever ! I searched my medicine cabinet thingy but I had run out of the anti hayfever tablets that I normally take so I had to tough it out . I was pretty fine once I got going but I had this feeling that I was going to sneeze . This sneezey feeling lasted till 4pm this afternoon when I finally sneezed , all over my arm . It was lovely and I even contemplated taking a photo and posting it on this old blog . It was 26 today so it was great to be outside . I didn 't think much of the heat but it was enough for me to get sun burnt . Nothing bad I 'm just a light shade of pink . I 'm one of those people who can pass a bright light and get a bit of a burn . It sucks though because I never really seem to tan . I 'm permanently pale . Damn should have called my blog that . Stupid potatoes . Last night me and the girl watched Underworld and I have to say for a vampire movie it was pretty good . I fell asleep a few times cause I was rooted from work but I don 't think I missed anything too important cause I liked it anyway . Bye now . Its weird that when you have a group of friends , birthdays seem to gather around only a few months . Last night was Steves birthday , Thursday is Layno 's birthday and mine is in a few weeks . Its weird but great at the same time because its a good excuse to go out . Last night we headed to the Ed for a few drinks for Steve and I stayed out way too late and I was so tired this morning . It was one of those mornings where 30 seconds more sleep sounded like a weeks vacation . Once I was up and about I was ok but I thought I was going to die for a little bit . Today was the usual really , nothing too exciting happened and not a very interesting job to take photos of so I guess you guys just have to put up with text . I 'm going to have an early one tonight and head to bed soon so I guess that 's it for a while guys . Bye now . Well today my counter says 1000 . That is pretty cool . Its not accurate because I added it a month or two after I started posting on this crazy internet but it is still pretty damn cool . This is my 76 post so I 'm looking forward to seeing the counter pass 2000 . Thanks everyone who comes here and thank you to the people who comment . Talk later k . Bye now . Well Sunday was The girl and I 's 4 month anniversary . She bought me footy tickets as a present so we woke up Sunday and headed to AAMI Stadium for the game . The game was the Adelaide Crows Vs . Port Power . I go for the Crows but unfortunately we lost . I blamed The girl but she said she had nothing to do with it . Even though we lost it was a good game but we were unlucky because the Crows suffered some bad injuries . One players knee bent to the side and there was a head clash between a Port and Crow player which left the Crows player with a broken jaw and a lights out attitude . After the game we headed home and relaxed for a bit . We started talking about how comfortable you can get with someone after only 4 months . We also talked about how our relationship didn 't feel as new anymore and it was getting pretty smooth . It was at this point that I broke up with her and immediately asked her out again so that we were a new couple again . Technically today is our one day anniversary . I hope we make 4 months . After our chat and we decided that we should definitely get Chinese food for tea . We headed down to the Precious Pearl which has to make the best Chinese food in the area and bought way too much food . We ate and ate and ate and then felt terrible . It took longer than we thought so we ended up late when we meet Calvin , Anouska , Helen , Layno and Hoggot for bowling . I still think bowling is nerdy but its fun so who cares . I did well in the first game but in the second game I bowled a gentleman 's 64 . After the joys of bowling I decided to spend some money . I had the idea a few weeks ago to head to Melbourne for my birthday . I have a good friend in Melbourne and if anything it is just a good excuse to go and see her but we will say its all for my birthday because , well , I 'm awesome . I bought the tickets for Hoggot , Calvin , Layno , the girl and I so now I 'm broke . Well technically my credit card is broken . Its all ok though because the weekend will be crazy house . Ok admit its beautiful . I took this driving home the other night . Its a picture of the sunset above the Brighton Jetty . I love it . Have fun . Ok so my working week is finally over , phew . It definitely has been a long one , and I 'm glad its over . I have only got one day as a weekend so I 'm going to have to make it a good one . Tonight looks promising too , with people coming round to my house in about 30 before we head down to the bay . There are drinks to be had and the night is young . Tomorrow is the girl and my 4 month anniversary and she bought me tickets to the footy . It should be a great game because its the two Adelaide teams against each other so that 's something too look forward to as well . I bought her tickets to Melbourne to celebrate my birthday but don 't tell her , lol . Well work has been crazy so I thought I would let everyone know what I have been doing since Wednesday . WednesdayWednesday started early as always when we are pouring concrete . It was bitterly cold so I wasn 't completely happy to be outside but it soon got warmer as the day went on . We got the concrete in pretty easily and it wasn 't hat hard a day . The first photo is just after we had filled the beams and the second photo is of my dad ( on the right ) and the two Italian concreters we use , Benny and David . ThursdayWe do a lot of work for different factory 's around Adelaide , some of the jobs are good some are terrible . Thursday was terrible . The factory we were working at is called Fiberlogic . They make high pressure pipes out of fiberglass , using a special method that was developed only a few years ago . I would go into detail but it would bore people more than these pictures , lol . When they make the pipes they have to be cut and have grooves put in them and they use water as a lubricant . All of the waste water and fiberglass is put into pits where it settles but the pits are too big so the process does not completely work . Our job was to dig out 35000 litres of fiberglass slop . It had the consistency of honey and it made me itchy as hell ! ! ! Below is a picture of some of the pipes at the back of the factory . Friday , SaturdayFor Friday and today we did another factory job . We had to putPosted by Wow is been a long time since I have posted , sorry guys I have been flat out with work and life really . I 'm just posting a quick reply now but I will do a big picture post of the jobs I have been doing lately cause a few people seemed to like that . Anyway its Friday night and I 'm going to head into town for a while for a girl I went to school with 's birthday . I have to work early in the morning so I wont be out too late . Well just a quickie . Have fun . Ok so at the end of last week and the start of this week I started a job and have pretty much finished by my self . I don 't mind working by myself because I seem to get a fair bit done when there are no distractions . I thought I would post some photos of how the last few days have panned out at the job at 33 Park Terrace . The first two days I spent digging trenches and the final result can be seen . The block is lower than the house so the trenches only had to be 200mm into the natural ground so the digging was quite easy . Monday started with me waiting for a bloke to come and spray the ground to repel white ants . After he was done I put some plastic down to get it ready for steel . I then cut my arm on some steel . Monday I got all the beams steeled up and then spent about an hour in traffic driving home . Today was another big day . I started early and put all the waffle pods in before putting double mesh on the whole site . The waffle pods are Styrofoam blocks that we use instead of putting rubble back into a job because all the dirt and rubble had to be taken out and brought in by wheel barrow . With the addition of two layers of mesh it makes the whole mass of concrete free standing . This takes all of the load off of the waffle pods so they are only used when the concrete is wet and are just lost form work once the job is finished . Well that 's about it really . That was Thursday , Friday , Monday and today . We poor concrete tomorrow so stay posted for a picture of that . Exciting I know . Well take it easy guys . Bye now . Well since I have been posting photos lately I thought I would take some photos of my world . . . Meaning my room . First up is my desk and computer where all this blogging magic is written down . . . on keyboard . Notice the super cool periodic table that isThe next one is my cd collection . I have too many cds and I have wasted too much money on cds , but I love music so I keep buying them . They are all my favourite so good on me for having good taste . There is also a lot of cluttered things on my desk and they have tended to live there for a few years now . The last photo is my room . Its very boyish , I know , but hey I 'm only 19 and I like cars . I also have black curtains which is odd because in no way am I goth . I have a million photos and a million posters . I ran out of space on the walls so I started sticking posters on the roof but stopped when they kept falling on me in my sleep . Bye now It started out the same as my nights have been starting lately with me thinking to myself that I didn 't feel like a big night . My mind soon changed after I had a few beers . We started the night by heading to my mate Joffie 's 21st . I meet Joff a long time ago when we used to skate at Cumberland skate park . The party was a bit weird because his friends were a bit different but it was ok . We didn 't stay long and then headed into town to meet everyone . We got into town and headed to the London Tavern , which is where the girl works , and met up with Calvin and his friends and Tilney , Elyse and there friends . The girl was feeding me drinks for free so I was having a pretty good time . The highlight of the Tav was when we stole a both from too fat girls by sitting down with them until they got uncomfortable and left . It was an odd thing to do but we wanted to sit down . After the Tav we headed to the Balcony Bar which I had never been to and still haven 't because we couldn 't get in so we headed on over to the Oxford to see our mate Smithy and have a few drinks . I have never been a huge fan of the Oxford but I had fun . We met up with Luke towards the end of the night so it was good to see him again . The night ended with Layno and I getting pizza revolution and then driving home . Layno drove and I was a shell of a man because of the alcohol someone put in me . I got home and was still hungry so I decided to make pasta and woke everyone else up in the house in the process . Good on me . Well that was the night . Bye now That 's right guys you have to suffer through my 21st century slide show . I will make it quick though . Well I started the night by picking Layno and Tilney up and we headed to KFC for a quick bite to eat . We then headed to AAMI Stadium and spent some time in traffic . The game was good and a mate of mine that went to school with us kicked 3 goals which was great to see and made the game pretty interesting . I then took a photo of Tilney and Layno . Then we headed home ! Bye now . So I managed to break my phone . Somehow I got water into the base of it and it corroded . The phone worked perfectly but I couldn 't charge it because all the terminals were rooted so it made it hard to use it on a daily basis . So last night on the way home from wok I went to Marion and got another phone . My contract still had 3 months left on it but somehow I conned the guy into not worrying about that and he just let me start another contract . So now I have a nice new spiffy phone that in a few months will probably be ruined due to all the dirt and junk that gets in them from work . The new phone has a better camera so that means more photos . . . Yay . So last night after getting my new phone I rushed home to have a shower before playing netball . The game was full on and afterwards I was pretty much rooted . The girl , Sam and I all came back to my house after the game so I could have another shower and then we headed to the Ed for a few beers with some people . It was a pretty quiet night at the Ed because it was a Thursday but I wasn 't up for a big one so we just chilled in the beer garden and had a few brews . This morning I woke up to find that my old phone had completely died . I had been using it still because it had battery power and my new one wasn 't charged yet but for some reason my old one had just died . I couldn 't turn it on at all no matter what I did . I was incredibly pissed off because I hadn 't copied my numbers or anything like that off of it so I was not a happy chappy . I had a shower and headed to the phone store I went to last night and the dude helped me get all my stuff off my old phone onto my new one so now everything is peachy in the phone world . After my phone troubles I headed down to Montezumas for some Mexican food . I took the first picture on my new phone of Mexican food so I thought that was pretty cool , lol . Tonight I am heading to the footy to see Port Adelaide and Collingwood play . I have a friend who plays for Collingwood but I really don 't like either team so I don 't really know why I 'm goinPosted by Today I had a flash back of something my friend Sam and I used to do around each other . We started , for some reason , to count things in half dozens , even when it was ridiculous . Someone would ask how many beers were in the fridge and we would say , ah 7 half dozens . It was a weird fad but apparently it stuck because today I was asked how many steel pins I had brought with me to a job and I replied with , ah 5 half dozens . I received a stunned look but then nothing was said . It made me remember that stupid fad we had though and it made me laugh a bit . It will catch on one day just you watch . I will finish this bad boy off with some of today 's headlines that I think are important . The Maori Queen of New Zealand died today after 40 years of reign as queen . She will be mourned by the New Zealand nation and it means the end of an era for a large proportion of the New Zealand population . On a lighter side , congratulations to a Nascar fan who while the winning driver of a race celebrated his win with his team , the fan jumped in the car and took it for a ride around the track . I think it is hilarious and applaud the bloke for having the balls to steal a Nascar . That 's it , bye now . Well today was average . I felt sick and it was busy so the day dragged while seemingly flying past . This is just a quick post to say that Rhys smells and Cat is so much cooler than me . Sorry but I 'm tired and heading to be . That 's all for now . Bye bye . Ok so I finally bought a thing that allows me to take the memory card out of my phone and put the pictures and thing onto my computer so I 'm going to start putting phone photos up on here . The pictures will be pretty average quality but I 'm not exactly posting wallpapers for your desktop so good on me anyway . I haven 't really taken any pictures of anything lately so here are some old ones . The front of my car , I know very boring . A photo of the girl walking into the sunset at the end of my street . And finally , a trench I dug the other day , lol . Bye now . Well it was another big one and I 'm feeling it today . Work Friday was long and pretty boring but it was just another day and I was glad when I finally got home . The plan was to go out for Elises birthday but after a shower I was pretty keen for bed so I decided that I was only going to have a few drinks and come home early . That plan seemed good at the time but it didn 't last long . Tilney picked me up and we headed down the bay to grab some tea before meeting up with everyone at the Dublin Pub . Tea consisted of pasta and a pizza that was incredibly good . By the time we headed down to the Dublin everyone was in the mood for a few drinks and it looked like it was going to be a pretty good night . Layno and I started off with a long island ice tea and the night just picked up after that . There was a lot of laughs and at about 12 somehow a fight broke out between one of Elises friends , friends and another random guy . We were upstairs at the Dublin and at that stage it was our group of about 35 people and only a couple others that we didn 't know . Two guys walked in and pushed through our group of friends and nothing much was said until they decided to leave and pushed through again . Something was said and one of the guys turned around and punched the member of our group and bolted out leaving his friend to deal with us . After his friend received a few punches and was on the floor for a while the bouncers broke it all up . We talked to all the bar staff about it to clear things up because we are regulars and they know we wouldn 't try and cause trouble like this . They were pretty chilled out about it and knew that it was the other two guys fault . We left soon after and headed over to the grand . By this time I was pretty drunk and Layno and I were still downing the drinks pretty fast . We meet up with a lot of other friends at the grand and the night got even better . It was weird being at the Grand without Cat but I was too drunk for it to worry me . After a few more drinks that we didn 't need to Grand was closing and the idePosted by Some days at work I do things that a normal person really wouldn 't have any idea how to do . Some days I do things that a monkey could do . Today I hosed a pile of dirt for about 3 hours . You see when compacting rubble for a sub base ( the base that you poor concrete floors on , eg factory floors ) the rubble needs to be quite wet before you compact it . That was my quite boring job for the day , to water and compact 65 tonne of rubble over about 250 square metres . There are different stages of watering rubble . The first stage is when the rocks in the rubble get a shine to them because the top sand has been washed off , the second stage is when water pools a tiny bit then seeps into the soil underneath and the third stage is when the whole area is soaked . Optimum compaction can be obtained when the rubble is between the second and third stage . Now that you guys know that , you can pretty much do what I did for 3 hours today . You could also train a 5 year old to do it . After my exciting job of watering I began rolling the base . That is the tricky part because most people cant drive a 6 tonne roller and that 's why I get paid the big bucks , lol . So after my exciting day of riding in trucks , flattening rubble , watering rubble and then rolling it , I have to go back and do another 350 square metres tomorrow . It might be boring some times but at least I 'm out side in the fresh air and nearly every day is different . Who would want an office job ! Tonight I 'm cruising around and playing netball with school friends and hanging out with the girl . Tomorrow night is Elyse 's birthday at the Dublin Pub so that should be a great night out . More then . Bye now . I cant stop . I have fallen into this life and now I cant stop . My life as of late has been 100 % flat out . Every minute of the day I 'm busy and when I finally stop my eyes are shut and I 'm asleep . I have been blogging in the 15 minute gaps that I have between getting home from work , showering and going out . Last night it was tea with the girls family , tonight its tea at the kentish then who knows what , tomorrow night its netball and then Friday night its drinks for Elyses birthday , Saturday night who know what will happen . I 'm loving it though . I hate sitting in the same place for too long . It annoys the girl because she is a movie person and likes lazing around at night and watching movies or TV , I have to be out though . When I 'm sitting doing nothing I feel like I 'm wasting time . I cant stop now , there is always something to be done . Bye now . So today was a weird day . It started off being a Sunday for me at 6 : 30am . I woke up and headed off to work . It was weird though because I drove me and my boss ( dad ) to work in my car . I don 't normally do that and I haven 't worked on a Sunday for a couple months . Our job for the day was to repair some bitumen in a driveway for a factory that was closed today . It went pretty well and I didn 't burn myself on the 95 degree Celsius bitumen like I normally do . I did accidentally melt my right boot a bit though which was different . After we finished work at 12 and I had the longest shower ever and still managed to smell like oil when I got out I pretty much lazed around for the rest of the day . I cleared all my uni books and papers out of my room so I can actually walk around and then that was my day really . I received some photos of the resort Cat is living at and they were absolutely breath taking . I 'm talking to her on MSN at the moment and its great to just chill out and have a conversation with her because when we talk on the phone it is always a bit rushed because of how expensive it is . I also had a bit of a chat to Rhys today and we spoke of the troubles in the middle east . Well that 's all for now , have fun . Well I actually added a photo of me ! I chucked it over there to the right and I also put it in my profile . I also created a Myspace page today so check that out if you want . Its pretty boring and it pretty much just links back to this page but I needed one to view bands videos and things like that so there ya go . Bye now . The other day I found out very violently that Fish Stick is not an appropriate nickname for ones girlfriend . In my defense she was eating fish pizza at the time but I learnt that this is no excuse . I honestly think there was 1 . 5 seconds between me finishing the word stick and her punching me in the chest . All in good fun though . Lately I haven 't stop listening to Alexisonfire 's new cd but today for some reason I have been listening to a lot of Quiet Companies songs . Those two links are there myspace pages so go check them out if you haven 't heard either band before . They are definitely opposite ends of the scale but very good tunes none the less . Well bye now . So today after finding out I don 't have to work again me and the girl woke up at 11am . I was starving so I made an awesome pizza and she ate the crusts as usual . We had nothing planned so we decided to head down to Ikea because neither of us had been there since it had opened a few months ago . Adelaide is small and only a few months ago our first Ikea store opened . There are other stores in the rest of Australia but only recently in Adelaide . I had visited an Ikea store in America years ago and the girl had been to a few in Sweden when she was there at the start of the year so it wasn 't anything incredibly exciting but we had nothing else to do so it was fun . We walked in and thought we should definitely grab one of their bags to put items in because we might want to buy something . We walked and walked and walked but didn 't really see anything that we had to have so we pretty much just carried this very large and very annoying bag around the store the whole time . It wasn 't until we got to the cash registers that the girl finally found something she wanted , some tea candles for her mum . So after carrying that dumb bag around the whole store we found something to buy with 10 meters left in the store . It was a fun few hours though . After our little day trip we got home and the girl had to leave for work and I chilled out . I drank two red bulls and then had to sit around for a while because I felt sick . I 'm ok now though because I had some risotto , lol , and I 'm awesome . Bye now Well today I got conned . Many people may find it weird but I have never owned a pair of jeans . Today the girl conned me into buying a pair . They are not as trendy as some but they are pretty fancy . This is such a huge thing I may even post a photo of me wearing them . In the next few days I am definitely going to try and post some photos of me and just everything because so far I have been way to lazy to take any or put them on here . Bye now . I didn 't have to work today which was a nice surprise this morning . I woke at 7am and realized I didn 't have to work so I slept till 12 : 30 which was odd since I wasn 't all that tired last night , lol . So I got up and stumbled around for a bit before I worked out what I wanted to eat . I decided on soup so I brewed up an awesome tomato and anything that was in the fridge concoction . It was pretty good in the end but it had too many olives in it . I managed to burn my tongue with the first sip so I really couldn 't taste it that well but I 'm sure it was good . Now I 'm just chilling out drinking coffee and being on the net . I feel very nerdy but then I remember I 'm a construction worker and its all ok again . Today I feel I 'm going to be doing a lot of waiting . I 'm waiting for a call from Malaysia because Cat said she would be phoning son . I 'm also waiting for the girl to come round so we can go shopping and I 'm sure I will be waiting while she tries on clothes ; ) . Tonight I have to play mixed netball with friends from school so I will have to wait for that because its not till 9 : 10 . Waiting is ok though because it means something is happening . Have fun , Bye now . When we all started uni at the start of this year it became a tradition that every Wednesday night we would head to a little dingy pub in North Adelaide called the Kentish . Since we had exams and then holidays and now I am working and the other boys have been doing different things lately we have been missing our Wednesday night meals . This week we thought we would change our tradition and head to the Kentish for chicken parmigianas on Tuesday night . As I said before the Kentish is a tiny little pub on a back street but they have maybe the best chicken parmigianas around . It was a quick meal last night but it was good to catch up with Calvin who I hadn 't seen much of lately and it was a very good meal . I was really surprised but I even found a picture of the Kentish so you guys can all have a look . I am trying to get two posts a day happening but I haven 't been home a lot lately so its not really going to plan but I should be posting a bit more soon . Bye now . The other day I read an article about how the Chinese government had discovered they had some how lost 4 . 83 billion dollars . It was later discussed that the government worked out that the money was stolen and misused by its employees . So I know that the Chinese government has trillions and trillions of dollars and probably millions of employees and I can hear you saying well Phil this is getting boring wrap it up but here is the thing that made me laugh , it was found that the 4 . 83 billion dollars had been stolen and misused by 250 employees ! Now , seriously , people steal pens from work and things like that but 4 . 83 billion dollars , come on . It also made me laugh that it took the government months to work out who stole the money . I would have thought it would have been pretty obvious by the 250 employees living in mansions and driving $ 500 , 000 Mercedes Benz 's . So to those 250 Chinese government workers , I hope you lived it up because that sure is one huge scam you nearly pulled off . Bye now . |
This Christmas was very bittersweet . It was our first Christmas with Miss Amelia and our second one without Eli . This one seemed a little more difficult than last Christmas for some reason . It seemed we were all fighting a cold so I am sure that contributed to my state of mind . Amelia really didn 't get the whole Christmas concept this year . She had fun rolling around in the paper torn from every one 's gifts . She was more than a little snotty and not feeling too well . She has since really enjoyed playing with all of her loot though and her mommy has enjoyed playing dress up with all of her new clothes . Jay , Cooper and Lucie Rose all really enjoyed themselves and were all sad to see Christmas day come to an end . I guess the worst for me was early Christmas morning after Santa left . Jamie and I were making sure everything was ready for the kiddos and I was taking some last minute pictures . My eyes wandered to where all of the stockings were hung . Instead of five stockings hanging as usual , there was just one . . . Eli 's . It hit me like a ton of bricks . I felt like we had left him out and that hurt . I wanted to run and take that one stocking down . I wanted to fill it up just like his brother 's and sister 's stockings . I hate that there is nothing I can do for him . I HATE it . It was 2 : 00 or 2 : 30 when we went to bed and I had to have a good cry . It had been a while since I 've had one of those . It is almost as if that set the tone for the rest of the day . I was really hoping the hustle and bustle of the day would take my mind away from all of those sad thoughts . I am so blessed to have four children here with me to lessen the sting of missing him , but sometimes it really does get the best of me . I can 't predict when it will hit and what will trigger it . Who new that that one little stocking would send me into a tail spin ? It was just the sight of it hanging there all alone . I couldn 't stand it and eventually had to empty the other stockings and hang them back up . Sorry for the vent , I just needed to write it out and get it oPosted by I made a huge mistake before I went to bed last night . I read comments people were making about the Duggar 's decision to share pictures of their precious baby girl Jubilee . I went to bed angry and hurt by some of those words . Truth be told , I 'm still a little angry this morning . Have people gotten so far lost that they could be so hurtful ? I 'll admit , I am not a huge Duggar fan . I used to love to watch their show and was just fascinated by them , until I read their first book . What I do not do , is harbor any ill will towards those people . They do not do things the way I would but I do not have to live their life . I have to live mine . What I do think is that God has given these people a unique opportunity to share Him . He has equipped them with what He feels they need to be witnesses for Him . By the same token , He has taken care of and provided for that family because they have been obedient to His call . Yesterday , this family said a final goodbye to the baby that God gave them but for a brief time . As part of their celebration of life , they shared some very precious and tasteful pictures of a precious life . Now . . . they are being ridiculed and criticized for even having these pictures taken . As I read these mean and hurtful comments , I wondered who said the same about the pictures we hold near and dear of Eli . Even if those thoughts were not shared with us , how many thought them ? Honestly , I couldn 't imagine not having those pictures today . It is so hard to understand just how much those pictures mean to a bereaved parent unless you have firsthand experience . For Jay , Cooper , Lucie Rose and even Amelia , I have boxes and files upon files of pictures of them . I have memories of daily occurrences . For Eli , I have one shelf of things in my closet and one file of pictures . I have so little to remember of him and Michelle Duggar has even less of Jubilee . I think back to the day Eli was born and the little bit of time we shared with him . I can sum my memories up in so few words . Some of the most vivid memories are the most devastating . I remember when Dr . K told me he had to put me to sleep for an emergency c - section . My first response was a very emphatic NO ! I was digging my heals in and very much prepared to refuse to sign any paperwork for that . I knew I would miss his arrival and would be groggy due to anesthesia and that just was not an option for me . Really , the only way I even relented and agreed to this is because I was promised that pictures would be taken so I could somehow still be a part of his arrival . Those pictures never got taken and to this day that is one huge regret I have . I have one picture of my son alive . One . . . and all that you can see in that one picture are his legs and arms from a pretty far distance . It was taken through the nursery window and a crack in the blinds that some special , wonderful nurse so thoughtfully " forgot " to fix . He is surrounded by doctors and nurses . That is it . Just that one picture . No lifetime of photographs . Not a day , week , month , year or 10 years of pictures . Just this one . So I have pictures of my baby boy after he died . They are more precious to me than any silver or gold or anything I could have . My photographer , sweet Lisa . . . I can not imagine how nervous and out of her comfort zone she was that day . This was her first time ever photographing an infant and it 's family in this situation . You would have never known that though . She was a pro . I have made a precious , wonderful new friend because of her I am so heartbroken for this family that they are walking this very difficult and lonely path . I am doubly heartbroken that hurtfulness , mean spiritedness , and ignorance will undoubtedly cause more pain to a family that needs peace and love to help them navigate through the valley of death . I do not go to his grave for him . I do not decorated it for him . There is nothing I can do for him . It is all taken care of for me . He rests comfortably in the arms of Jesus . I do it for me and for Jamie and for his brothers and sisters . I do it for me because I need to . I needed him to need me and aside from sustaining his little body for 32 weeks , he didn 't really need me . I need to honor him and show him the ways I love him . I suspect the motivation is similar for Jamie , although , I can not truly answer for him . I do it to keep his memory alive for his brothers and sisters . . . to show them that no matter where they are I will always remember and love and care for them . . . to show them that you may leave my home but you will NEVER leave my heart or mind . I do it because there were things I wanted him to have but was never allowed to provide . I do it because without something there , it is the coldest place on earth and I want it to be warm . I want him to be warm and I am afraid he is not . I know that is irrational , really I do . . . I simply do it because it is just what you do when you have a child there . . . Well not really there , because he is not there . I know that . We went this weekend and put out his little blue tree . We bought a new ornament to go on his tree and when we got it out to put it on . . . It was broken . Really ? ? ? ? It was in about three pieces . Really ? ? ? ? I wrapped it up in tissue paper thought it would be safe . Not sure right now if I am just going to try and fix that one or go and get a knew one . Anyway , I just wanted to share some pictures of his decorations . Much love , I 've jumped on the Pinterest bandwagon and really love it . There are so many great ideas of things I want to try . I saw this . So , I decided that when we were having a Pinterest kind of day we would give this project a shot . Wednesday was that day for us . We did this . We really had a great time making snowflakes . When all was said and done , we had a blizzard in our little schoolroom . A mess for sure ! That 's alright for messes clean . Although , I am still picking up little pieces of paper off of the floor . I figured there were lots of lessons to be learned from making snowflakes . So , we took our entire school day Wednesday and made these lovely little snowflakes . We talked about shapes . Triangles mostly . . . The types of triangles . There were bible and character lessons to be learned from making them . My most favorite moment is when Cooper was working on his first snowflake and was getting so frustrated . He was about ready to throw in the towel . . . in fact he had proclaimed he was done . . . when Lucie Rose walked up to see his snowflake and said , " Wow , Cooper that is soooo pretty ! That is the best snowflake I ever saw . " Cooper just grinned from ear to ear and kept on working and making more snowflakes . Along the way , throughout the day , we talked about how each snowflake was unique from the other . We talked about how God created us all different also . We listened to music about snowflakes . I intended to write poems but we never got around it . I spent the rest of the day hanging those little boogers . We learned how to follow directions ( something I am not always good at ) . With each snowflake we made , we got more and more confident and we got better with the process . It was fun . The kiddos got bored long before I did . I guess that is why I got stuck hanging them . We also made Thanksgiving themed table toppers for my mom 's restaurant with ideas from Pinterest and I 'm such a bad mama that I forgot to take pictures . We made trivia games for each decoration . I had to sneak in a little learning someway that last week before Thanksgiving . Just call me slick ! Getting ready for Christmas around here . What about you ? Are you all ready or are you just beginning ? I think I am somewhere in the middle of those two . Yet , I am exhausted as if I should be done with everything . Everyday had been a coffee day around my house lately . Me , I 'm sweet potato and dressing ALL the way ! I also like sweet tea , water with lemon , and grits . I want gravy on my biscuits and baby . . . I love butter . The real stuff that is , no fake butter for me ! I have the southern flare ( on my hips ) to prove it ! I hope you all enjoy your delicious meals but also take time to be thankful for all of our many blessings ! Count your many blessings Sometimes is just seems that when I pray , my prayers are bouncing off of a brick wall . I feel like I beg God for something and beg some more and when I feel like I can not beg anymore , I find it in me to beg a little more . Then , that prayer does not seem to be heard . This is where I have been the last two days . As I sit here and talk to God , I ask him , " Why haven 't you heard my prayers ? " Why are you not answering me , God ? It is like when we prayed for Eli to be healed . I begged God for healing . I pleaded with him . . . He answered me then with the sure knowledge that my prayers were not part of His plan . I did not want to hear it though . That meant I would have to give up my son . How could God ask that of me ? How could I do that ? But that was taken out of my hands and now . . . well you know the now . . . 11And he said , Go forth , and stand upon the mount before the LORD . And , behold , the LORD passed by , and a great and strong wind rent the mountains , and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD ; but the LORD was not in the wind : and after the wind an earthquake ; but the LORD was not in the earthquake : 12And after the earthquake a fire ; but the LORD was not in the fire : and after the fire a still small voice . 13And it was so , when Elijah heard it , that he wrapped his face in his mantle , and went out , and stood in the entering in of the cave . And , behold , there came a voice unto him , and said , What doest thou here , Elijah ? Actually not this entire passage until I went and looked it up . Just the small still voice part . The small still voice is whispering to me that He has a plan and now is just not the time for my request . That is not what I want to hear . I guess my humanness and impatience is showing here . I want God to say now . . . now is the time and your prayers are being answered just as you asked for them . I know that is selfish . . . I know it is . But God , I do not have the privilege of seeing the BIG picture and I do not know Your plans . Only You have that knowledge . In this instance , it hurts to have to sit back and wait . I do not even bear the brunt of the hurt here . . . others do and I just hurt for them . Hurt badly for them . I need peace . . . peace that only can come from God . . . Or perhaps time is chasing me . After Eli died , so many who have walked this road told me the only thing that would take away the sting of death of a child was time . Time dulls the pain . Time . . . When I was fourteen , my sixteen year old brother drowned . Our church youth group had gone canoeing . My brother , two other friends , and I all got ahead of the adults and stopped to wait on them to catch up . While waiting we played in the water . It was deep and my brother got in trouble and was not able to swim to safety . Despite the best efforts of a passerby to save him , he died . He drowned right there in front of my very eyes . It all happened so quickly . It has been twenty - three years since that day and some parts of that day are so vivid in my mind that I feel like I could reach out and touch them . After the immediate panic of what was happening , I turned to grab a life jacket and throw it to him . I turned back just in time to see him slip under the water for the last time . I stood there in utter shock holding that stupid life jacket that I never got to throw . Why didn 't I think to grab it earlier ? That thought has haunted me for twenty - three years . It does not haunt me as bad today as it did then . That moment . . . that moment is as clear as if it just occurred . I remember so distinctly what happened when I got home and fell into my daddy 's arms , apologizing profusely . My daddy got my attention and looked me in the eye . He told me to stop right then and not to ever say that again . He told me that there was nothing I could have done . I didn 't feel that way for a very long time . Time has certainly dulled the pain of that day . It has not erased my memory of it , just dulled it . While time has dulled the pain of that day , it has also tarnished my memories of Ray Wilkes . I hate that about time . I had fourteen years of memories and the ones I remember the most are of that awful day twenty - three years ago . The only memories I have of my baby boy are of while he was in my belly , the few minutes I had before he slipped from this earth , and the time we spent with his sweet little body after . Not much time at all . . . Not near enough time at all . I never heard his cry or saw his eyes . I never got to have a conversation with him . Chasing time is much like chasing the wind . . . When I taught middle school , one of the classes I taught was a character education class . It was one of my favorite classes to teach . We spent quite a lot of time talking about bullying . Bullying was and is a pet peeve for me . I hate bullying . I abhor it . I have seen peers completely tear down other peers and that cuts me sharper than any knife . Character is something that can not be taught in a nine week course . It just can 't but , you can plant seeds . Seeds will sprout , take root , and grow . Not only did I teach a nine week course on character education , I took any opportunity to incorporate character education into my regular classroom . I talked to my students about issues that were real to them . I listened to them and sometimes interjected my thoughts into these conversations . I wanted my students to know just how much power their words and actions had among their peers . My students would tell me things they observed , things they had heard , and even things they themselves had done or said . I learned so much from these conversations and carry a great deal of that knowledge with me today . Sometimes those same students would come to me with situations even after they were no longer in my class . They would tell me things and seek advise when they felt they need adult intervention . I can not help but think they did this because they knew Mrs . Hill would listen . I wanted them to know that my door and ears were always open . Middle school can be some tough years . Kiddos are really coming into their own during that time and they are trying to find their place among their peers . They are forming their own individual opinions . It is a very impressionable age . Sometimes I would get so frustrated and just want to throw my hands up . There were times when I felt like it was impossible to make a difference . I wanted so badly to make a difference . I wanted to really teach these children as much as possible . I loved my job and loved those kiddos . I love my job now and love teaching my kiddos . I now have the opportunity to teach Be not deceived ; God is not mocked : for whatsoever a man soweth , that shall he also reap . This is the big picture . You reap what you sow . If we sow seeds of regret , bullying , disrespect , sorrow . . . we will reap the same . It is my goal to sow seeds of good Godly character in my children . Much love , Tomorrow is Halloween , just in case you were not aware already . We will have school tomorrow . Although , with the excitement level here , I am not sure how much we will accomplish . I still have to finish LR 's and Amelia 's costumes . They are going to be Jessie from Toy Story . Then , I have to make Jay 's costume . He is going to be a royal knight . I bought a sheet and am planning to make him a cape . I am pretty sure we will have some sewing lessons tomorrow . Who knows , I might even let the boys give the sewing machine a whirl . What am I planning to do to tomorrow ? We will do our bible lesson and take the tests that we did not get done Friday . We also will whip out the mental math books and make that work up . Then , I thought that I would let the kiddos try their hand at painting with acrylic paint . I want to let them draw and paint a Jack - o - lantern . It is not a holiday for us but it will be a more relaxed day than normal . Honestly , I do not think I could make them sit and do school all day if I tried . I guess if you can not beat them , you join them . Lucie Rose and Jay are still not feeling 100 % and now Amelia has caught their crud . I am sincerely hoping Cooper avoids the mess . So , because we have the luxury , we are kind of taking it easy . Tuesday will be business as usual . Much love , We spent the day today picking up pecans . Actually , this is the third Saturday I have picked up pecans . Today , while picking up pecans it occurred to me that this could be what the Children of Israel might have felt like . God provided for His people daily by way of manna or bread from heaven . They had to go out each day and pick up what God had provided for them . As I picked up , I noticed something . I would spot two or three pecans and bend down to pick them up . As I picked them up I would find several more in the same area that I had not seen while standing . One of two things was going on here . Either my eyesight is bad enough I just didn 't see them or God was providing as I went along . I 'll just believe the latter if you don 't mind , thank you ! We actually had a really stiff wind today and were literally picking them up as they fell . Once you get out there and start picking up , it is not really that bad . I felt so blessed that I had pecans to pick up . The boys didn 't feel as blessed as I did . Lucie Rose thought it was great to pick up a pecan or two , especially when mama was filling her bucket . She is convinced she picked up the most . Amelia Claire was great during our little outing . One thing that has been a huge adjustment for our family is going from two incomes to one , especially with an extra little person . I will tell you that I completely felt at peace turning in my resignation , knowing that I would be able to stay home with my sweetlings . It was a decision that was made through much prayer and soul searching . I feel like God had been leading us in this direction for some time . It was certainly a step of faith and one that we knew would not come easy . Once you become adjusted to two incomes , it is not easy to voluntarily give that up . It has been a sacrifice for all of us . We are making it from month to month but there is certainly not much room for extras . That is okay . We had too many extras anyway . We ate out way too much among other little things like that . I really have not missed the little things . Matthew 6 : 26 Today we went on a field trip to the . . . field . Seriously , we went to a field , a field full of pumpkins and sunflowers and corn and so much fun . Today was field trip day . I love field trip days . The kiddos were so excited to get out and go . Not to mention that they didn 't have to take their spelling tests or vocabulary tests . They didn 't have to do mental math today . They didn 't have to learn about helping verbs and the like . It was a day of fun learning . I also got to take some pictures of my sweetlings in a beautiful outdoor setting . I love a good photo op and this was a good photo op . Okay , this one is not from the field trip , but isn 't she a doll baby ? Still not from the field trip but too cute ! Look at those beautiful backgroung colors . Look at those beautiful babies ! I loved , loved , loved this process chart . Thinking we might have to borrow this idea ! Gorgeous ! I love the colors of fall ! He wanted to make a Jack - o - Lantern face ! He is a hot mess ! She 's a hot mess too ! This one cracks me up ! The really look in distress ! Come on , you know you have thought this before . I certainly have . These thoughts and misconceptions come from ignorance . I do not say that to be snarky or mean . I say it honestly and sincerely . Ignorance is a lack of knowledge or information . In general , homeschooling is not an acceptable practice . Sad isn 't it ? I will say that the homeschool stereotype had changed some for the good in recent years . Yes , there are those that homeschool for the wrong reasons . There are those that use homeschooling as an excuse to skip on school . Those , however are few and far between . It seems that those are the ones used to form the public perception of homeschooling . People do not want to talk about the norm . That is no fun and rather boring . My kiddos are not weird , at least , I do not think they are . They are certainly not mal - adjusted . We do not school in our PJs . We have a set schedule and stick to it . I am certainly not a control freak . There is no militia here ( even if my boys are obsessed with guns and hunting ) . And , my kiddos are social butterflies . They love to be around and interact with others . The misbehave . . . the whine . . . they fuss with one another . . . they are incredibly smart . . . they amaze me . . . they make me crazy . . . they make me happy . . . They are typical children . Everything about them is typical . Everything about them is extraordinary . They are mine and I might be a little biased and that is alright , because they are mine . I love them without end . Amen . Why did I choose HS ' ing ? I found myself giving my best to other peoples children and having a short fuse with mine . I didn 't like it at all . . . one bit . I wanted to give my best to my children . They deserved it and still do . I knew that if I could spend the majority of my day educating other people 's children and loving it ( which I did ) , that I would love it that much more to be able to give that to my babies . I do ! I love teaching them . I love it when they teach me , because they do . We have school at our house . It starts at a set time and ends when we finish all I planned to get done in one day . We get up , get dressed , and go to school . Because we are at home and only have three and a half in our classroom , it is less formal . My children are however , receiving a formal education , as are most homeschooled children . Tell me what your conceptions of homeschooling are ? I am curious to know what you think about it . It is not for everyone . Even if it is not for you , what are your feelings on other 's who choose this path ? Also tonight , I have a mondo favor to ask of you . I have an unspoken prayer request that I would like to ask you to pray with me about . I can not share anything about this request out of respect for others . This is something that I have prayed about so very much and I would like to ask you to take some time out of your day tomorrow ( technically today ) to pray about with me . There are no life threatening illnesses involved and Jamie says be sure to let you know we are fine ( relationship wise ) . This is a very real and very big request . Please pray for God 's grace in this request . Thank you in advance for your prayer . Much love , So , math . . . I was uber picky about the curriculum I chose for math . Uber is my new favorite word . It 's a nifty little word . The little things in life make me happy . Kind of like the little things in life that drive me crazy . For example : The daily changes that Facebook seems to make always throw me for a loop . There I go on the downward digression spiral . Anyhow , when choosing a math curriculum I wanted something that would challenge my kiddos and provide them with all of the skills they needed to be math geniuses . I had heard great things about Math - U - See but felt that the boys had such a different foundation that I would not see the success I wanted to . So I chose this . I really , really like Singapore Math . Each grade level comes with two textbooks and two workbooks . Take Cooper 's books for instance . He is in third grade . He has a 3A textbook , 3A workbook , 3B textbook , and 3B workbook . We simply used these books last year and I found that this was not enough practice for them . So , this year I also purchased these . Except that I purchased them in the specific grade levels for my fellas . Fridays are mental math days . Let me tell you , the boys lurve this ( tongue in cheek ) . I am also really thinking about purchasing this . I am undecided about this one though because , there are lots and lots of word problems in their text and workbook . Singapore Math loves a good word problem . Some of them are quite challenging . In fact , I have called or emailed my sweet hubbie with one or two of these problems , only to be told that he would have to get back to me . I love the challenge factor with these books . I am not crazy about the lack of instruction these books provide . Jay is working on divisibility right now and these books have nothing to say about divisibility rules . I had to pull that in extra . Those few simple rules make divisibility soooo much easier . When I was teaching math , I went to a workshop for Singapore Math . I liked it then and having used it for an entire year , plus this year so far , I still like it . What I Jennifer Totally not gonna be boastful anymore , although , I was not trying to boast . When I typed a week or two , maybe three , ago that we have not really been sick since homeschooling , I meant it . It was true . It was a fact I was proud of . I guess pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before the fall , right ? And fall we did . In the past week or so we have had an abscess and root canal , broken arm , and tonight Lucie Rose started running a temperature . Not just a little temperature either . Before I even realized she was sick , her fever jumped to 102 . Her little soccer team party was tonight and I noticed she was just sitting there not participating . Upon closer inspection , I noticed the tell - tale signs of fever . . . glassy eyes . . . listlessness . . . you know the drill . I felt of her and she was hot , really hot . I asked another mom to give her a feel and she agreed that she was really hot . So , I did what any responsible mother would do . I loaded her up and came home . Bless her little heart , by the time we got home , after a pit stop to buy Motrin , she was miserable and crying . Totally not feeling like mother of the year right now . This coming after thinking Cooper was just being dramatic and discounting his broken arm for about 12 hours . I spend 24 hours a day with my sweetlings and I am supposed to know them better than I do . I am supposed to catch these things before they get out of hand , at least , so I thought . So yesterday , I really struggled with the patience thing and thought we really had a better day today . I tried the love ' em into obedience thing . It seemed to work . Today , I struggle with not knowing my babies as well as I thought . Just so you know , everyday is not peaches and cream in the homeschool arena . Some days do not even come close . I still wouldn 't take anything , anything AT ALL for being able to do this . I completely feel like this is God 's will for our lives . Even when our faith is being tested , my resolve stays the same . I 'm just gonna have to pray harder and let my JOY outweigh all of the other stuThe upside to this is , I can be here to care for them and love on them and take them to the doctor and make chicken soup and and and and . . . The world does not stop turning . ( Yes , I know this is a run on sentence . ) Much love , Today , I did not have much in the way of patience and tonight , I am kicking myself . I have been looking back all evening thinking to myself , " Why didn 't I say this or do it this way instead ? " I guess we all have those days from time to time , but that does not change the fact that I feel rotten about not having more patience . Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully , I can do it better . Jamie 's favorite saying is , " I asked God for patience and he gave me boys . " God 's sense of humor is ever so evident some days . Are there any words of wisdom out there for me on how to achieve more patience . I know the bible says that love is patient , so maybe I should just practice that . Love my babies into obedience , right ? It is worth a shot for sure ! So , maybe tomorrow when I feel my patience slipping and my frustration rising , I should just think warm fuzzy thoughts and issue hugs instead of harsh words and stern looks . Hmmm , I might be on to something here . I 'll give it a shot and let you know how it works for me . Much love , It is so difficult sometimes not to be anxious but I fully believe that if we pray during those times God takes on our anxiety and walks through it with us . Whether it be taking a test , finishing a project , or other deeper life changing events God will walk us through them if we supplicate , or humbly pray . I want my kiddos to know that they can always pray and seek God for any reason . I also want them to know that this prayer needs to be done with a spirit of thanksgiving . I think our word this week will be supplication . Let 's just see where it will take us and how many ways we can use it . Much love , Weapons of all kinds . . . They are enthralled with guns , knives , swords . . . You name it they love it ! I think it is a boys thing . It has to be right ? I just hope LR and Amelia do not follow suit . Boy , do I hope they don 't ! ! Weapons have their place , but in a homeschool . . . Yep , in a homeschool . We have a sword or two in our little classroom . They are sharp and easily wielded . We even have sword drills in our classroom . Now , I promise you we do not don our camo and act like a little militia . Really , we don 't . I promise . I teach my kiddos how to use these weapons . I want them to know how to properly use them . Ephesians 6 : 10 - 18 10Finally , my brethren , be strong in the Lord , and in the power of his might . 11Put on the whole armour of God , that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil . 12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood , but against principalities , against powers , against the rulers of the darkness of this world , against spiritual wickedness in high places . 13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God , that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day , and having done all , to stand . 14Stand therefore , having your loins girt about with truth , and having on the breastplate of righteousness ; 15And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace ; 16Above all , taking the shield of faith , wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked . 17And take the helmet of salvation , and the sword of the Spirit , which is the word of God : 18Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit , and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints ; Yes , the Sword of the Spirit is a definite must have in our homeschool . We use it daily . Who knew ? A weapon in a school . Much love , Posted by It seems that some days we use this tool all too much . Jay in particular hates it when I whip out the old eraser . It means he has to do it over . It frustrates him . Coop does not get as undone when he has to use his eraser . Some days my poor table is covered with little specks of eraser shavings . I know on those days some hard lessons have been learned . I am thankful for that little red tool . It means that there is a second chance on the horizon . It means that the opportunity to correct a wrong has been extended . How awesome would it be if people came equipped with an eraser . Second chances do not come as easily in life as they do in school . Some days are made for these erasers . I think if I were to buy Jay this eraser , he would disown me as his mama and teacher . It would be his undoing . Cooper would just look at me and refuse to except this lovely little gift . He doesn 't make big mistakes . Just ask him and he 'll tell you so . There have certainly been times in my life when I so wished that I had been equipped with this type of eraser . There is a lesson to learn here . Erasers do exist in life . It is a simple , yet so complex word . . . forgiveness . This was our word of the week a few weeks back . Matthew 6 : 14 - 15 Most of you probably know what a coffee snob I m . Not just any cup of joe will o . It MUST be DD and it MUST be fresh grou d . Some days are turbo days and some are regular coffee da s . Honestly , I 'm not a huge fan of the iced coff e . I do like a frap every now and then especially during the summ r . For the most part , I want it hot with a splash of cream or hazelnut cream r . In fact , I just finished a smooth and tasty cup or t o . Thank you Dunkin ' Donuts for keeping my little homeschool running smoothl We had a boring old school day ! Not sure about you , but I am a huge fan of boring ! It took a little while to motivate the boys to get back to business as usual but we finally did . We stayed home all day today and just enjoyed a little normalcy ! I actually got to sit down on the couch by 9 : 30 tonight and share a little time with Jamie and Amelia . It was nice to say the least . What happens when life throws you a curve ball and disrupts your normal flow ? Well , you just have to go with it . When you homeschool it is even more difficult to maneuver around those curves . That is when you take a little help where it is offered . Last school year we had a wonderful , amazing curve thrown our way . Amelia was born a month early , thus throwing us a curve that had to be dealt with . She was born in the height of tax season and for those of you who have been reading my musings for a while , you know that tax season is Jamie 's ubber crazy time . He works lots of hours . Since I had a c - section with Eli , I had to have another with Amelia . Recovering from major surgery , loving on a new baby , dealing with the everyday and three other sweetlings was more taxing than normal . We put school on hold for two weeks . When we did get going again , it was tedious . I am so thankful for my church and the wonderful members who stepped up as well as amazing family and friends . The Sunday before we began school again , a precious member of our church approached me and said that she would like to help us get rolling again in school . She taught middle school math for more than 30 years . She was just what the doctor ordered . I honestly am not sure I would have made it through that first week without Mrs . MaeBeth 's help . She was a God send ! She came in a few mornings that week and took over the schooling for me . That allowed me to be able to take care of our new bundle of joy , hang out with LR , do some laundry , and sweep some floors . All things that needed to be done . There are times in homeschooling when we need to take a little ( or a lot of ) help . AlthoughTake the help ! ! ! Then you too will be able to say " Delight thyself also in the LORD : and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart . " Psalm 37 : 4 I am again tired tonight . Jay , Amelia , and I spent the day in Montgomery yesterday because Jay had to have a root canal on that lovely little abscessed tooth . We came home and Lucie Rose had the late soccer game . Then there was supper to fix and baths to be had . I just thought I was tired last night . But tonight , tonight I 'm weary tired . You see Cooper fell during a game of two hand touch at LR 's soccer game . He favored his left arm all night and woke up still in pretty good pain . So , we did some school while waiting to hear back from the phone nurse at Southern Bone and Joint . Three years ago he broke his humerus and dislocated his elbow after falling from the trampoline . This was once again that same arm . So , I just called his orthopedist . They wanted to see him at 1 : 20 in Dothan , no less . Dothan and Montgomery are both an hour from our house in opposite directions . Bless my mama , she kept Coop and LR yesterday and today she kept Jay and LR . We went down and had his arm x - rayed . Sure enough it is once again broken . He is wearing a cast from upper arm to his finger tips . Then , we had the late soccer game again tonight . Again , there was a late dinner and bath time for all of the kiddos . They are finally in bed and I am finally sitting down to blog . It is 12 : 04 am . I 'm a zombie ! Honestly , I fear I will read this again tomorrow to find it made little sense . Such is life , right ? Needless to say , very little schooling has been accomplished in the last two days . I have tried to motivate the boys at least to get a few things done so we do not have to much catching up to do . It has been hard to say the least . The beauty of homeschooling is that tomorrow we will maybe sleep in a little and then pick back up where we left off . We have some 4H projects to complete . So , I am thinking we will for sure do bible , math and reading . Then we will work on 4H . I am not stressed out per say , just tired . I am ready for some boring ! ! ! Homeschooling was and is a true desire of my heart and I am truly delighted in my Lord that He has allowed us to be able to do this . I know He will provide all of our needs . Please pray that Jay 's tooth heals nicely and that Cooper 's arm will also heal and cause as little pain as possible . He has already expressed discomfort from the cast as well as pain from the fracture . He was blessed in that it was a minor fracture and the weather is cooler making the whole cast thing so much more bearable . Jay bounced back very quickly from a root canal which I am not sure I could do . They both go back in four weeks for follow - up appointments . I wanted to post something to encourage tonight . I came across this poem and just loved it . I hope it encourages you to keep on keeping on . We will soon begin a poetry unit in reading . I am so looking forward to seeing my kiddos try their hands at writing poetry . I might give it a shot also ! A Poem for YOU , Homeschool Mom ! Lucie Rose has become enthralled with maps . She is just certain that if we have a map , we can go anywhere . Her friend Kara moved away a few months ago and she told me the other day that we needed to make a map to Kansas because she wanted to go visit her . She was asking Jamie about Heaven the other day and he was talking to her . At the end of their conversation she looked at him and said , " Well Daddy , where is our map to Heaven . " She knows that Eli lives in Heaven and she wanted to go visit . She thinks that if we have been there before , we do not need a map . If it is a new place we should just get a map and go . Cartography is the art of making maps . Oh how I wish that we could just make a map and go places sometimes . I would love nothing more that to just take out a map , mark all of the places we would like to learn about or see , and go . What a load of lessons that would be . Homeshooling , teaching , even parenting makes us cartopgraphers . We make maps in our kiddos minds . Maps that will be a guide for them all of their lives . Proverbs 22 : 6 As parents we have a responsibility to our children to provide them with an accurate roadmap to this thing we call life . As a homeschooling mama , my responsibilities are 24 hours a day 7 days a week . Part of my responsibility , a huge part of it , is teaching right from wrong , correcting them when they do wrong , and loving them through the no so fun parts of life . I always love my children and one of my least favorite parts of being a mama is correcting bad behavior . It must be done and some days it seems it must be done over and over again . Classroom management in a homeschool situation is still challenge from time to time . I 'm learning what works and what does not work . I recently learned with Cooper that if I send him to his room for 10 minutes he will come back to class a different person . He does not like to be set apart from what is going on . I never would have figured that about him because he typically does not mind a little alone time . But , for whatever reason it just works for him . Jay , well I 'll have to get back to you on that one . Different things work on different days for him . One thing I started to provide some motivation for both boys is to give them bucks for good behavior . If they are at school on time , they get a buck . If they keep their area clean , they get a buck . If they complete their work in a timely manner with out whining , they get a buck . You get the picture . When they get 250 bucks , they get to go to the treasure chest that is Wally World . 250 bucks sounds like a lot of work , I know , but they have lots of opportunities to get bucks . Their reward will be worth their efforts . Am I bribing them ? Probably , but it is also a life lesson . When they are gainfully employed , they will be paid for their work . I have no problem with it . It works for us . I like to try and use positive motivation although sometimes that is not possible . Sometimes I have to be the mean old mama / teacher . Sometimes their daddy has to provide reinforcement . Correction is never fun but sometimes necessary . I want my sweetlThe bible is our map to Heaven . Much love , I love to read your comments . They offer such encouragement . If you are not comfortable leaving a comment , you can email me . My email address is lcjhill @ yahoo . com My name is Jennifer and I am a christian , a believer in God , and wife to the most wonderful man . I am also a mama to six beautiful children . One of which is currently cradled in the arms of Jesus . We found out at our 20 week checkup that he had polycystic kidneys . He only lived two hours after he came into this world at 32 weeks . He was the greatest blessing . We are trying to figure out now how to go on without our sweet little Eli . The journey we are on is full of ups and downs and bumps and scrapes . I take each day as it is given and trust my Heavenly Father to lead the way . |
Annabelle pressed her back against the damp brick - wall , closed her eyes , and attempted to regulate her breathing . The more she tried to be still and quiet , the more her body trembled and her breath wheezed out in long , hard huffs . She could hear the car approaching , and she pressed herself even tighter against the wall , hiding in the shadow of a ventilation duct that curved and twisted , seeming to slither up the side of the large office building . In a low , inaudible whisper she prayed the car would pass the alley without slowing . The narrow alley was only a small slice in the towering Chicago skyline , and at the end , another brick wall loomed twenty stories above her . A row of rusted and beaten dumpsters that looked like they might once have been blue gaped at her , their lids propped open by overflowing trash . The only light came from the orange glow of the street lamps that cast a triangular pattern down the center of the pavement . As the car reached the gaping mouth of the alley and Annabelle held her breath , something wet and furry crawled across the top of her open - toed shoes . Squealing , she rapped the back of her head on the wall as she lurched forward out of the shadows toward the narrow slice of light . She quickly slammed her body back against the brick surface and stifled a cry , willing herself to disappear into the rough wall . Did he see her ? Hear her ? She could hear the car idling at the mouth of the alley . It was stopped , and she had just about decided to try scrambling up the ventilation duct when she heard the towncar pull away . She wasn 't sure how long she waited after that - it felt like an hour but was probably only three or four minutes before she slowly made her way to the opening of the alley . Her willowy frame was still trembling , and the back of her pencil skirt and suit jacket were gritty from being pressed against the brick surface . The bun she had twisted her chestnut hair into that morning was soaked through . Stray strands were escaping and fleeing in various directions , dripping water down her face . Her small , elfin face was slate white except for a couple bright patches of pink burning her cheeks . Heart still thundering , she cautiously peered around the corner and down the street . Her eyes were wild as they scanned the rows of cars parked along the curb . It was the Friday before Labor Day weekend , and the business district was a boneyard of steel and concrete , deserted and cold , and the image gave Annabelle a brief chill . Even the town - car was gone . " Thank God , " she thought . She shrugged out of her suit jacket and stuffed it into the briefcase that held her laptop and the real estate brochures for the properties she had shown earlier that afternoon . She freed her stringy , wet hair from the confines of the bun and shook it out until it hung loosely down her back . As far as disguises went , it was the best she could do . Her , would - be mundane Friday night had begun only twenty minutes ago . Annabelle usually left work before six o ' clock , but she had wanted to take care of some extra paperwork before clocking out for the long weekend . By the time she left work , it was almost eight o ' clock . The office building was closed , and almost everyone else had gone home . She didn 't mind working late . She was just homesick for the slow , lazy days of Mississippi . Somehow the people in Mississippi were able to accomplish just as much in an eight hour day while still taking their time and socializing with almost everyone they came in contact with along the way . In Chicago , Annabelle was lucky if she heard " how 's it going ? " from one of the hundreds of people she saw throughout the day . Her job in Bluebell , Mississippi had really only been a glorified receptionist 's position at the local health clinic . That was just the kind of job a business degree could get in a small town . She chuckled under her breath , remembering old Mrs . Finn . The woman brought her cat into the clinic at least once a month , swearing it was choking to death . After explaining to the old lady that Get - Well - n - Go was a " people clinic " and not a veterinarian 's office , Annabelle would assure her that Shelby ( the cat ) was just getting rid of a hairball , and everything would be fine . The old woman , always wearing a bright , billowy dress , would give a great sigh of relief and thank Annabelle for " saving Shelby 's life . " Next , she would ask how much she owed her , and Annabelle would reply , " Oh , it 's free this time . " Mrs . Finn would give her a stale and often sticky piece of butterscotch candy from the bottom of her purse . Annabelle smiled at the memory . Emerging from her daydream , she waved goodbye to a few stragglers who were tying up their own loose ends as she made her way to the attached parking garage . Whether they noticed , she didn 't know . They seemed not to even see her . When she moved to Chicago six months ago , she had walked almost everywhere . It was one of the things she hadn 't wanted to give up . In Bluebell , she could walk from one end of town to the other and back before an episode of Law and Order could finish , and in Chicago , her apartment was just close enough to work . She had almost enjoyed her morning commute , despite the hurried bustle of the city streets . It had been a week since she first noticed the car following her . That was when she started driving instead . There were probably a hundred black towncars in the city , but she noticed this one outside of her apartment when she left for work one morning , and when she came out of the coffee shop down the street , it was idling by the curb a few car lengths down . She hadn 't been able to see the driver because the windows were tinted , but she was pretty sure it was the same car . Assuring herself it was probably just a coincidence or a trick of her overactive imagination , she strolled the rest of the way to work . After living her first thirty years in a small town with a population equal to the number of people who occupied a large apartment building in Chicago , it was easy to attribute her paranoia to the culture shock that came with her move . But when she made it to her office building and went inside , she hung around in the lobby and watched the street through the glass entryway . A few seconds later , the same car crawled past the front of the building . So she had been driving to work for a week , and while she thought she might have seen the car a few more times since that day , she couldn 't be sure . It had probably just been her imagination all along . Hell , she still triple checked the locks before going to bed at night . Imagining boogey - men in broad daylight wasn 't too much of a stretch . Her heels clicked rhythmically on the pavement like a ticking clock in a large , empty house as she made her way across the parking garage . The bad part about being the new girl was that her parking spot sucked . It was in the back corner of the fourth floor . She could literally walk home in the time it took her to get to her car . The garage was normally bright and busy with cars driving in and out , the blare of horns echoing through the concrete maze , but after closing hours on Fridays , the lights in the structure switched to power - saving mode . This meant that every other overhead light was turned off , creating ten - foot swamps of darkness between each pool of light . Her footsteps quickened in the dark and slowed in the light as she made her way to her Trailblazer . She was elbow - deep in her briefcase , searching for her keys when her hurried pace came to a sudden stop as she saw the car parked beside hers . It was definitely not the lavender - colored VW bug that normally occupied the spot . The black towncar with tinted windows waited in an expanse of shadows , breathing . Was it breathing ? Her stomach lurched , and she began digging through her briefcase more frantically . She didn 't know if she was looking for her keys or her cellphone . It didn 't really matter . Her fingers had gone numb . She was standing four parking spaces away from her boogeyman , and her feet were frozen in place . " Wait , " a deep , booming voice called from behind her , and she heard her sunglasses hit the pavement and skid away . " Hey , where are you going ? " the voice called . It was lower than it had been , not as close . He wasn 't following her . Then she heard the car door slam shut and the engine hum as the car backed out of the parking spot . She ran faster . She couldn 't imagine waiting for the elevator , and there was no time to dig for her keycard to get back in the building , so she took the stairs two at a time . When she reached the street and felt the cold rain on her face , she knew the car would be exiting soon , so she kept running . No one seemed to notice her as her heels pounded quickly down the pavement . Her fellow pedestrians only averted their eyes and moved out of her way . When she finally made it to her apartment building , Annabelle stopped in the entryway to catch her breath . The fifteen story building opened up into a dimly - lit hallway full of mailboxes that reminded her of tiny morgue drawers . The ancient tile flooring was chipped and faded . Her shoe found a newly liberated chunk of tile , and it skittered across the floor , startling her . She made her way to the three elevators . One of them had been broken since she moved in , and the other two sounded like they were being hefted up the dark shaft on frayed nylon rope . The lights inside the old steel boxes flickered off and on . When she had first moved into the apartment , it reminded her of a hotel , only with really bad carpet and terrible customer service . As she rode the elevator to the sixth floor , she wondered just what in the hell was going on ? If she had known a big city would be this dangerous , she would have moved to a remote cabin in woods somewhere between " hope you have a full tank " and " what 's indoor plumbing ? " Cities were supposed to be anonymous and impersonal . What happened to that ? She must have missed the " Crazy Stalker Guy " section in the brochure . As Annabelle let herself into the apartment , her nerves were instantly soothed by her roommate , Jasmine 's , out - of - tune rendition of " No Scrubs " coming from the kitchen . The small , tidy apartment smelled like furniture polish . She dropped her briefcase by the door after locking both locks and the chain and headed toward the sound of Jasmine 's voice . " Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend 's ride , trying to holler at me … " Eyes squeezed shut , Jasmine crooned into a ladle as she slid around the kitchen floor in her stocking feet . Her concert attire consisted of a black tank top and a pair of hot - pink pajama shorts that read " Dreamy " across her butt . Her braided hair was twisted into a knot on the top of her head , and a few strands clicked back and forth with her movements . " You … scared … the … shit … out of me . " Jasmine breathlessly pronounced every word with emphasis , placing a hand on her dramatically heaving chest . She dropped the ladle back into the dish drainer and looked at Annabelle who was still laughing as she patted her wet hair with a clean dish towel . " What happened to you ? Wait . Let me guess . Your first puddle shower ? " This was Jasmine 's term for when a car drives through a puddle and showers the poor pedestrian who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time . Her eyes were squinted with amusement . " Well then , what happened ? Forget your umbrella ? Wait - Didn 't you drive ? " A look of concern replaced Jasmine 's amused smirk , and she hopped up onto a barstool beside Annabelle . " You remember the car I told you about ? The one that was following me ? " Annabelle asked . She suppressed an urge to cry as she prepared to tell Jasmine what had happened . Annabelle told Jasmine about the car in the parking garage and the giant man who had gotten out of it . She told her about how she had ran from her office building , and she told her about hiding in the alley . " I 'm not sure if I should 've been more scared of the guy or the rat that ran across my foot . " Her attempt at a joke flopped . " And say what exactly ? That I see black cars everywhere , and somebody took my co - workers parking spot ? " Annabelle asked , helplessly . " He hasn 't done anything to me . " " But I can 't prove anything , " Annabelle said uncertainly . She had always had an impression that big city cops were used to investigating multiple homicides , busting massive drug cartels , and stopping vengeful terrorists . She knew she had probably watched too much Law and Order . Still , she didn 't want to seem like a scared country - girl in the big city . But honestly , she was a scared country - girl in a big city . " I 'm not so sure I want to be in a situation where I 'm close enough to use it . " She was remembering how long it had taken her to find the set of keys in her briefcase . She imagined walking around with the small spray - can tied around her wrist . " I 'd probably just end up spraying myself with it anyway , " she said . " Well , what are we going to do ? Because you can 't keep running back and forth to work . You 're too skinny as it is , " Jasmine said , only half joking . Leaning forward on her barstool , straining to hear Jasmine at the front door , she nearly fell head - first onto the floor . She hopped down . Tiptoeing to the kitchen doorway just around the corner from the front door , she pressed herself against the wall and listened . She found herself thinking that she had spent entirely too much time hiding against walls tonight . " Who is it ? " Jasmine called through the heavy - duty front door . Their peep hole had been blacked out by previous tenants . " They must have been as paranoid as I am , " Annabelle thought . Her throat was dry , and she struggled to swallow as she listened for a response from the hallway . Annabelle 's chest heaved again , her heart stuttering . The lights in the apartment seemed to dim and brighten . She gaped , wide - eyed at Jasmine from around the corner , and Jasmine shot her a questioning look that said " what do you want me to do ? " Terrified , Annabelle jumped back around the corner and closed her eyes . She didn 't know what to do . All she knew was that she wanted to go back home to Bluebell . This would never happen there . She knew everybody in Bluebell . Seeming to come from a great distance , she heard Jasmine calling her by the nickname she had given her shortly after they met . Jasmine had said , " Us city - folk don 't have time for too many syllables . That 's why everybody calls me Jazz . " She decided on Belle the minute she found out Annabelle was from a town called Bluebell . It was when Annabelle met Jasmine that she was finally able to open up about the life she left behind in Bluebell . She had been in Chicago for just under two weeks , and the loneliness she felt was only intensified by the vast number of people in the city . On a mission to start over , she joined a yoga class and signed up for real estate classes . She couldn 't help but like the small , spunky yoga instructor everyone called Jazz . When they met , Annabelle was living in a rent - by - week hotel . Coincidently , Jasmine was looking for a roommate . Six months later , they were best friends . Annabelle needed a best friend . After moving in , Annabelle came clean and told Jasmine everything . She confessed her greatest sin , and like a true friend , Jasmine had lied and told her it wasn 't her fault , and she couldn 't blame herself for what happened . It was nice for the short amounts of time Annabelle could make herself believe it , but she knew the truth . So , why in the hell was she thinking about Adam Barnett ? Annabelle was driving down Mason Boulevard in Mississippi . As she neared Culpa Park , she was passed by a speeding police cruiser and an ambulance with their sirens blaring . She offered up a silent prayer for whomever they were on their way to help , as she often did . But when they pulled into the small park up ahead , her grip tightened on the wheel . Her foot lowered the gas pedal to the floor , and her Suburban leaped forward and raced toward the park . Her daughter , Katie , was at the park with the babysitter , a teenage neighbor , Allison . Annabelle had met Katie 's dad , Rick , in college , and they dated for a month before the fun wore off and they both moved on . When she found out she was pregnant , she let him know that she didn 't expect anything . While he wasn 't thrilled with the news , he promised to help out . He did . They had maintained a civil relationship . Over the five years since Katie 's birth , there had been hiccups and arguments but nothing major . Once every five or six months , they got together to discuss the visitation schedule for the next half year . That 's where she had been that day . The cruiser , along with three others and two ambulances were parked alongside the playground . On the far side of the playground was an open field where people walked dogs and played ball . She veered crookedly into a parking spot and jumped out of her Suburban , running toward the cruisers , terror propelling her . As soon as she saw her , Allison yelled her name . She was running toward her with tears streaming down her face and blood on her shirt . She grabbed Allison by the shoulders . " Why was there blood on her shirt ? " Allison sobbed , " It 's Katie , Anna . She 's hurt . " Annabelle let loose of the grip she had on Allison 's shoulders and ran blindly toward the ambulance with its back doors standing open . She saw Katie 's small body lying lifeless on the gurney that had just been hoisted up into the back . Katie 's face was a mask of red . The dream faded with a police officer explaining to her that some college kids had been playing baseball in the field beside the playground . A line drive . In the face . Five years old . Annabelle jerked upright and stared over Jasmine 's shoulder at the hulking man standing in their living room . She was right . He was easily over six foot tall . He had short dark hair in messy spikes all over his head , like he just got out of bed or he just spent an hour in front of the mirror sculpting that particular look . She couldn 't tell the difference these days . His features were very strong - a wide set jaw and a narrow , carefully sculpted nose . She had never seen this man 's face before , but he was familiar to her somehow . " I 'm sorry , Belle , " Jasmine said . " I needed help getting you to the couch . I threatened him though , " she seemed to brag as she turned and gestured to an unattended butcher 's knife lying on the coffee table . " He says he 's here to see you . What did you say your name was again ? " Jasmine asked , turning toward the man . " I 'm sorry for scaring you , Miss Kingston , " he began . " I really am . I don 't know how I saw this playing out , but I had to find you . " " Are you kidding me ? " Annabelle 's voice shook with rage . " You 've been following me for a week , and you expect me to believe you 're sorry for scaring me ? What 'd you think would happen ? " She was on her feet then , leaning across the coffee table toward him . " I know . I 'm sorry . " His gaze dropped . Was that shame ? " I was trying to find the nerve and the right way to approach you , " he said . " Yeah ? Well , you did a really fucking horrible job . " She spat the words at him with force . " I want you out of my house . " She walked to the door and flung it open , gesturing to the hallway . " Wait , please . Please just let me talk to you for five minutes , " he pleaded . " I promise I will go back to Mississippi and leave you alone forever if you just give me five minutes . " His eyes were teary and pleading . " It 's just five minutes , Belle . Then you can be rid of him . I 'll be right in the kitchen the whole time , " she reassured Annabelle . " Alright . Yeah . I 'll give him five minutes , " she agreed and then turned to Adam . " But after that five minutes , you 're gone , and I never see you again . " Her anger was coming mostly from how frightened she had been . She sat back down on the small couch , pointing sharply to the adjacent couch and motioned for him to sit . Adam sat on the loveseat that was positioned across the coffee table from where Annabelle sat . The living room was so small that he could have touched her by simply reaching across the table . There was a small flat - screen TV hanging on the wall with two large , black and white pictures of Paris on either side . " I 'm not finished , " she pounded the words like nails . " I moved here to get away from Bluebell , not to have it follow me . I never wanted to see you . You or anyone else who looked at me like I had some kind of … contagious sadness . " " I know , " he said . He was perched on the edge of the couch , his back rigid . His legs were so long that his knees were almost level with his chest . His hands were clasped between them , and he nervously flirted with making eye contact , but couldn 't seem to hold it . " When I found out where you were … " " How exactly did you find out ? " she asked , genuinely interested despite her anger . No one from Bluebell knew exactly where she was . She had no family . Her parents were killed in a car wreck when she was three , and she was raised by her grandmother who passed away when she was twenty - six . She was close to a lot of people in the community and had several friends , but after Katie died , she had four - and - a - half long years to withdraw from them . In the end , she simply told everyone she was moving and wasn 't sure where yet . " Yes . I 've been seeing him … ever since … I needed to talk to someone . But lately , all I 've been talking about is you . There 's nothing I can do for me anymore . " He paused , seeming to choose his words carefully . " My therapist warned me against contacting you . He said your residual anger would only make me feel worse . " He didn 't choose them carefully enough . Her eyes snapped up to meet his . " My residual anger … Would make you feel worse ? Am I supposed to apologize ? " She was gaping at him . " No , " he said calmly . " That 's why I 'm here . There 's no way I could possibly feel worse . I wanted to say I 'm sorry . I never got a chance to . The police , the lawyers … they wouldn 't let me near you . I never even saw you because there was no trial . All I ever wanted was to talk to you and to say I 'm sorry . But then you were gone . " " Yeah . Gone . And for a reason , " she said . She was thinking about how things had been after Katie died . All the sympathy . Even after four years , no one could look at her without that downward curve of their eyebrows and sympathetic smiles . How was she ever supposed to move on ? Everyone told her how tragic of an accident it was . Like she didn 't know . They repeated over and over that she shouldn 't blame herself . There was nothing she could have done without knowing , but Annabelle knew the truth . It was her fault . She didn 't need a babysitter to have lunch . She could have taken Katie with her or at least left her with an adult . " Listen , " he said , pulling her from her thoughts . " I wanted you to know I wasn 't just some college punk who moved on and got over what happened . I wanted you to know that . I needed to tell you before … " " Before what ? " she asked when he trailed off . The memories of her daughter 's death were as raw as they were during the days following the accident . When she decided to move , she had chosen Chicago for its stark contrast to Bluebell . She wanted somewhere big , impersonal , and without memories . So she moved to Chicago , met Jasmine , and was working toward her realtor 's license … But the disguise she had assumed was flaking away like an old sunburn , and she was left raw and hurting . " My life 's over , " he almost whispered . " I haven 't been me since that day in the park . I quit college . I quit talking to all my friends . I spend all my time working as a night security guard to afford therapy . All this time and I still can 't get my shit together . I 'll never be able to forget what she looked like … " he said . " I 'm no good for anyone . People look at me different . Feel sorry for me . I don 't deserve … " " So what are you saying ? You 're going to hurt yourself ? Do you want me to have that on my conscience too ? " It seemed so selfish . To just end it because of what happened . Did that make what she did selfish too ? Or just cowardly ? " No , I hardly think what happens to me should bother you , " he said , genuinely appalled . " Like I said , I came here to tell you I 'm sorry . I guess I thought you would feel better knowing that what happened that day ruined me too , " he said . " I don 't feel better , " she said . " She 's gone . Nothing will bring her back . I was doing a pretty good job forgetting the past , but here you are , " she said , motioning around the room with her hands . After a long pause , she finally spoke . " Adam , it was an accident . I know that . You were playing baseball in a public park . You weren 't drunk driving or anything . " " I was angry , " she interrupted . " I am angry , but I know it was an accident . It took a while , but I forgave you a long time ago , " she said . " Yes , I did , " she admitted to herself and him . " After Katie … I left . Not just because of you . I was broken without her . I came here to make a new life . " She thought for a moment . " You couldn 't have known , " he said . Silent tears ran down his cheeks . His hands flexed between his knees , seeming to want to reach out for hers , but he kept them in his lap . She couldn 't really be angry with him . The past five years of her life were spent hating this man and then trying to forget him and all the memories associated with him . All the desperation and misery in his eyes reflected how she had felt for so long . She could see herself in his misery . It wasn 't his fault , but he would never forgive himself for something he couldn 't have possibly predicted . She hadn 't blamed him . It was herself . It had always been herself . But there he was , giving a face to his name and digging up old feelings that never really went away . The ever - present idea of Adam Barnett had transformed into a broken man who was hurting as badly as she was , a man who lost the past five years of his life because of what happened to a little girl he had never even known . She wanted to punch him and hug him . She wanted to kick him out , and she wanted to beg him to stay . A connection to her past … to Katie . He leaned across the coffee table toward her . She didn 't back away . She simply gazed into his eyes , pleading . Pleading him to take them back in time and change things that could never be changed . Her tears flowed freely , and she wrapped her arms around him over the table . She hugged the man who killed her daughter . She hugged the broken person who may never be the same as he was before and who would forever deny himself the innocence he deserved . She hugged the man who showed her who she was through the person she saw in him . This is a short excerpt from my final short story of the semester . The original story featured Annabelle as a prostitute named Trixie who came from a small town in Alabama and found herself on the streets of a city larger and more cold than she could have ever imagined . After a run - in with the man who killed her daughter and caused her downward spiral , she comes to terms with her own guilt . However , my professor thought the prostitution part was " too much " for a short story and suggested I take it out and give " Trixie " her own story later on . So , this is the new beginning of Annabelle 's story . She has moved to " big city - name unknown " in order to escape the constant run - ins with people who remind her of her loss and the same old places , smells , and things that remind her of her daughter Katie . Now , she is struggling to adjust to life in the city when she finds herself being followed by a black towncar . Coming from a small town , her fears of big city life are only magnified by this turn of events , and thus begins her journey . I welcome any comments , critiques , and a advice . Please , feel free to pick and poke all you want . Annabelle pressed her back against the cold and damp brick - wall , closed her eyes , and attempted to regulate her breathing . The more she tried to be still and quiet , the more her body trembled and her breath wheezed out in long , hard huffs . She could hear the car approaching , and she pressed even tighter against the wall , hiding in the shadow of a ventilation duct that curved and twisted , seeming to slither up the side of the large office building . In a low , breathy whisper she prayed the car would pass the alley without slowing . The narrow alley was only a small slice into the massive body of the towering city , and at the end , another brick wall loomed twenty stories above her . A row of rusted and beaten dumpsters that looked like they might once have been blue gaped at her , their lids propped open by overflowing trash . The only light came from the orange glow of the street lamps that cast a triangular pattern down the center of the pavement . As the car reached the gaping mouth of the alley and Annabelle held her breath , something wet and furry skittered across the top of her open - toed shoes . Squealing loudly , Annabelle rapped the back of her head on the wall as she lurched forward out of the shadows and into the narrow slice of light . She quickly slammed her body back against the brick surface and stifled a cry as she willed herself to disappear into the rough wall . Did he see her ? Hear her ? She could hear the car idling at the mouth of the alley , and she had just about decided to try scrambling up the ventilation duct when the towncar pulled away . Not sure how much time had passed - it felt like an hour but was probably only three or four minutes - Annabelle slowly made her way to the opening of the alley . Her slim frame was still trembling , and the back of her pencil skirt and suit jacket were wet . She silently thanked herself for choosing her black suit and prayed the dirt and whatever else she had picked up from the wall didn 't show up on the dark fabric . The bun she had twisted her dark brown hair into that morning was showing signs of wear . Stray strands were escaping and fleeing in various directions , and her small , elfin face was pale and covered by a sheen of sweat . Heart still thundering , Annabelle cautiously peered around the corner and down the street . Her eyes were wild as they scanned the rows of cars parked along the curb . She saw nothing but a boneyard of steel and concrete , deserted and cold , and the image gave her a brief chill . But the town - car was gone . After a brief internal debate , she shrugged out of her suit jacket and stuffed it into the briefcase that held her laptop and the real estate brochures for the apartments she had shown earlier that afternoon . She freed her escaping hair from the confines of the messy bun and shook it out until it obediently fell into place . As far as disguises went , it was the best she could do . Annabelle slowly emerged from the alley like a chastised dog , head down , shoulders hunched , and her eyes darting back and forth as she quickly made her way to the corner of Second Avenue and Main Street . Beyond that point , there would be more people , more open shops and bars , and she would only be two blocks from her apartment . Feel Free to Share : TwitterFacebookGooglePinterestTumblrEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . 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I stayed up late last night , and now I 'm watching Hannah play . This is the best I can do for a new blog under the circumstances . Linda manages to come up with a great variety of questions , so it works for me . 1 . What was the last song you listened to ? Something from a Christmas mix CD in the car this evening . The last one I remember is " Virgin 's Lullaby " from the Nativity Story soundtrack . 2 . Have you ever had " buyer 's remorse " over anything ? Oh , yeah . Countless clearance items that were a " steal " at the time and didn 't ever seem to get picked from the closet . I 'm working on being more discriminating about my clearance purchases . And leaving the tags on items as long as possible . I love returning . . . it 's like making your money back . 3 . What is something in your life that you are thankful for now that you didn 't think you would be at the time of the event ( something that seemed ill - timed , inconvenient or hurtful which turned out to be a good thing ) ? I can think of multiple answers to this question , but I 'm deciding if I can come up with one is appropriate to share in this setting . I would say that I am thankful I stayed in Waverly . The first year . . . or two was really tough . I had a network of friends that I considered family in Springfield , and leaving was very difficult . I never wanted to stay in Waverly long anyway , so I kept my distance and therefore felt quite alone for a while . I never could have imagined what I would go through with some of the friends who became family here in Waverly , and now I feel as close to them as I did to my friends there . It 's amazing how God can move in ways you never imagined . Oh , and did I mention the fact that I met my husband in Waverly , 3 years after I moved here . It goes without saying , but God knew what He was doing . 4 . Do you watch the Macy 's Thanksgiving Parade every year ? If so , do you have a favorite float or balloon ? I did as a kid , but it 's been a while since I eagerly anticipated it . I don 't mind if it 's on in the background , but it doesn 't terribly interest me anymorePosted by Trusting God can be such a learning process . Some circumstances in life have caused me to think more about what it means to trust God in painful , devastating times . Sometimes there are things that are so private that we are left to deal with them mostly alone , hopefully with a few select others that God provides . Some of these situations leave deep scars that take a long time to heal . Last week I spent some time thinking about the leftover pain that can make it difficult to trust again ; yes , even to trust God . I realized that , in order to trust God fully , I must release all my circumstances to Him . I must make peace with the fact that the same pain that came my way in the past could in fact recur should He see fit . I 'm not saying that God sends painful , difficult circumstances our way , although sometimes I believe He does . But even if He sees fit to allow them to enter my life again , I must believe that He knows best . The problem comes when my self - protective instinct jumps in and decides that it would be better to not experience that depth of pain again . Anything is better than walking through that again , so I walk around on guard and doing everything I can to keep the pain and the pain - causing people at a distance . It 's a natural reaction , but that doesn 't mean it 's the right response for a child of God . I should trust God enough to know that if He allows pain to come my way , it is for my good and His glory ( see Romans 8 : 18 and 8 : 28 ) . His glory - I can get that one . My response to pain can bring Him glory . My attitude in pain can bring Him glory . My choice to use pain to push me closer to Him brings Him glory . My good - this one is much harder to grasp . I forget how closely " my good " and " His glory " are related . I also have a tendency to look at " my good " in a childish way ; anything that makes me happy and fits exactly into my expectations is good in my simplistic definition . How quickly I forget the great good that has come from great pain . It 's hard to admit , but it 's true in many ways . I have a choice every day . Posted by I really haven 't taken part in Linda 's Random Dozen too often , but it is so fun to read others that I thought I would go for it again . 1 . It 's early morning , about 2 : 00AM , and you 're driving home . You come to a red light and sit there . There is no one in sight for miles around . Do you wait it out or run the light ? Would I ever be driving home at 2 a . m . ? That 's hard to understand when I go to bed around 10 every night . But if I happened to find myself in this situation , I would most definitely wait it out . I am a rule follower to the death . 2 . If you had the chance to re - do the last 24 hours , would you change anything ? Oh , probably . I 'd rather not think too much about it , though . 3 . When you reply to someone 's comment on your blog , do you reply in your comments or go to her blog and comment ? ( Or email her ) Hmm . . . I usually respond on my blog I guess . I don 't do it too often , though . I 'm not on the Internet enough . 4 . Your favorite Disney movie is : I 'm so bad at favorites ! Either Aladdin , Toy Story , Beauty and the Beast . Or probably something else that I can 't remember right now . 5 . Do you recycle ? I do pop bottles and cans , but not anything else . 6 . Games of strategy or games of chance ? Strategy . Forget chance . . . I want to show what I 've got ! 7 . Do you have any recurring dreams ? Not that I know of . 8 . What did you learn from your first real job ? Patience . I baby - sat for a summer when I was 12 , three kids who weren 't all that much younger than me . That was quite a challenge ! 9 . Do you buy or borrow most books ? It 's probably split . I absolutely love to buy books , but I 'm trying to check out more from the library to save money . 10 . What fashion trend of the past did you say you 'd never wear again but did ? Wow . . . I 'm really boring on this set of questions . I can 't think of anything here , either ! 11 . When do you start Christmas shopping ? Whenever I can find stuff , but I haven 't started yet this year . 12 . Have you ever been so happy that you literally jumped up and down for a few seconds ? If so , what was the occasion ? Yes . I get this Posted by I 'm 21 weeks today ! What a week it has been . I have definitely been more emotional during the pregnancy ( thank you , pregnancy hormones ) , but this week has been off the charts . Monday : We went home for lunch . I grabbed a few fun size candy bars to take upstairs with me . I was finishing the Twix when I looked down and noticed my M & M 's were gone . I turned to my husband and saw the M & M 's in his hand . " Are you eating my M & M 's ? " I asked . ( It was probably more like , " ARE YOU EATING MY M & Ms ? ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! " Or something like that . ) " I was going to get you more , " he said . " I think that 's the last ONE ! " I replied . I was starting to tear up , and I realized how ridiculous this must be . Crying over M & Ms ? I can get more , for crying out loud . ( Sorry . That was bad . ) I sucked it up and went downstairs before we left . I found one last package of M & Ms , thank God . He was definitely watching out for me . Tuesday : The computer guy comes in to work . I already have issues with this man . He is so full of himself . He loves to impress himself with his computer talk . Give me a break . Anyway , I don 't want to get into the whole story , but suffice it to say that I was steaming after he had been in the lab for 5 minutes . I could barely keep it in . . . Tina and I exchanged many looks as I let him ask a few questions . Finally I left for lunch , but it took a couple of hours just to cool off . The best part of the day was that Tina brought me a bag of M & M 's ( plain AND peanut ! ) after lunch . Then my husband ate one . He 's a brave man . Wednesday : Nothing happened today . I just wanted to cry most of the morning for no real reason . I 'm not sure I want to know what tomorrow will bring . The emotional pendulum is in full swing here in pregnant - land ! It 's so hard to find time to post with no internet at home , but I wanted to check in today . We had our appointment today ( ended up being a 19 - week appointment ) . I love going to the doctor . . . for baby stuff . : - ) I anticipate hearing the heartbeat , and today I met one of the doctors for the first time . I really like her . I asked a few questions , and she was great . I 'm excited that I like her ! I was a little nervous . Baby 's heartbeat was 156 , so almost the same as last time . We also set the rest of our appointments . There are a lot left ! Since my due date was off from what they thought ( should have just listened to me . . . : - ) , we have an extra one thrown in to get me on the right schedule . And at the end there are 3 weeks in a row ! It was fun to get them all scheduled . And now it 's 10 days until the ultrasound ! I 'm so excited I hope I don 't explode ! That 's about it . I found out I get to see Hannah in November , and I thought I had to wait until Christmas . Yeah ! That was super great news . It was not long after I found out that I was pregnant before the big question entered my mind : " How am I going to get this baby out of here ? " I read almost all of What To Expect When You 're Expecting in a matter of days , and then I decided I had plenty of time to worry about it later . Now I 'm 17 weeks ( well , I am tomorrow ! ) , and even though I still have lots of time , I want to be a well - informed first time mother . A friend suggested reading the Bradley book , so I checked it out at my mom 's library . I devoured it , too , but I am not completely convinced . Rather than get into all the gory details , I wanted to put it out there for my many mom friends : have you ever used the Bradley method of natural childbirth ? Even if not , have you heard of it / read the book ? I would be interested in any feedback or opinions from those who may be somewhat familiar with it . I am by no means a " natural childbirth " freak . I am not a nature lover , a tree hugger , or a granola eater . I have friends who are all of these things , but I 'm more of a Starbucks drinker and an " indoorsy " girl . However , the concept of natural childbirth definitely intrigues me . He has some good points . I 'm just not sure about all of it . So if anyone 's interested in engaging in conversation about it , I definitely am ! I just thought I would throw it out there and see what I get . Linda at 2nd Cup of Coffee created this MEME , and it gives me something easy to blog about for today . : - ) 1 . Which is worse : a long , boring meeting or standing in a return / exchange line after Christmas ? The Christmas line is worse . Usually a laptop has plenty of escape mechanisms for a boring meeting . 2 . Except for maybe Rosie O ' Donnell or Ann Coulter , nobody likes confrontation , yet we all have to deal with it . When you feel cornered and defensive , do you " bite back " or become passive aggressive ? I 'm passive aggressive almost all the time in confrontation . But I 'm learning to be a little mmore honest . I doubt I 'll ever " bite back " like I wish I could . 3 . Do you know anything about your genealogical background ? ( What country , culture , ties to prominent historical figures , or other stuff . ) My grandmother is from England and married my grandpa when he came over for the war . I 'm honestly not sure of the rest . 4 . What is the quickest way a person can endear him / herself to you ? Smile . Be kind . Giftcards work , too . 5 . Cake , pie , cookies , or ice cream ? ( Note there is no " all of the above " option . You must choose one . Feel free to elaborate on flavor or memories tied to this dessert . ) If you 'd like , you can share a recipe , but you certainly don 't have to . Cookies . Warm , soft , slightly underbaked cookies win every time for me . 6 . Females : Do you regularly change your handbag to coordinate with your outfit ? No , I don 't . I stick with one for a few months then move on or back to an old one . 7 . Are you task - oriented or relationship - oriented ? I 'm task - oriented . To a fault at times . Not terribly so at home , but very much so at work . 8 . IHOP , Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel ? Mmmm . . . Cracker Barrel . I haven 't been in forever . 9 . Have you ever left a movie in progress in a theater ? Why ? I don 't think I have . Now I read reviews on everything before I go see it . We don 't see much , but we don 't waste our money or find ourselves in shock from the ridiculous stuff that passes for entertainment these days , either . 10 . What is one area of life in which you woulPosted by I listened to a podcast recently that has got me thinking . About what I think about . But I have read Philippians 4 : 8 many , many times , and this message brought it to life in a new way . My mind loves to run about haphazardly , and all manner of good and bad things will race through my mind in a given day . I am a little ADD and have a hard time focusing on one thing at a time , so my mind wanders a lot . As I listened to his in - depth talk on each of the areas that God tells us to think about , I wondered what kind of woman I would be if I really thought like this all the time . It 's messing with me . I don 't have an answer , but I 'm very captivated by the idea of capturing my thoughts so they fall into the Philippians 4 : 8 categories . Just something to think about . If you 're interested , you can read the transcript here or download the podcast here . HA ! Yeah , right ! I haven 't blogged for a while , but the three of you that read this now know why ! I 'm now 12 weeks pregnant ( almost 13 ! ) , and I am greatly anticipating the end of the first trimester . I am absolutely thrilled to have survived it as there were times that I thought it would do me in ! Matt and I have already had lots of fun telling our parents , families , friends , talking about names , finding a crib ( already ! ) , hearing the heartbeat at 10 weeks and an ultrasound , too . I have a pregnancy journal , so I enjoy keeping that up to date . Our ( amazing , incredible , so - good - to - me - I - don 't - deserve - it ) friends threw us a surprise baby shower last night . And that was definitely a surprise ! I wasn 't having a very good weekend , so when they sprung it on me . . . well , I was very overwhelmed by their kindness . I don 't have any pictures yet since we didn 't have our camera , but they took some , so hopefully I can post some soon . They wanted to throw one that Matt could come to , which I thought was so sweet . They had a baby food identifying contest for the guys , and everyone guessed the birthdate , weight , and sex of the baby . Most of the girls guessed it would be a girl . . . most of the guys guessed we 'll have a boy . : - ) It will be fun to see if anyone guessed right ! We have a few calm weeks , and then we will have some traveling fun at the end of September and middle of October ! I 'm excited to visit my sisters and celebrate Hannah 's birthday in October . Hopefully , I 'll be showing by then , too ! The way I 'm eating , it shouldn 't be a problem . I blogged a couple months ago about my precious niece and her grobaby diapers . Well the company is having another giveaway and my blogless sister has asked me to post some info about it here so she can receive a box of the Natural Baby Companies Tiny Bubbles . If you 're interested in reading more about the detergent click on this link . We don 't have the Internet at home . I know that is hard to imagine for some people , but we live in the country . . . enough out of town that we would have to get dial - up ( not happening ) or satellite internet , which is pretty expensive . We didn 't really have a computer until a few months ago , anyway . Now we do have a laptop , but we really don 't even have the time to get online at home . It seems that the evening flies by , so we don 't need to waste more time by messing around online . There are times it would be nice ; I have to wait until I can get my lapotop somewhere with wireless internet to download new podcasts and bank statements . But I just can 't get past the fact that , even without watching TV , we can 't get the stuff done that we need to do . Why add internet to the mix ? It doesn 't seem to make sense . So for now we 'll be without it . Which means I don 't get to blog very often , and I wish I did . But a lot of the things that are going on in my life are not bloggable anyway . God is doing a lot in my heart , and I share it with a select few that I do life with . For now that 's all I 'm comfortable doing . I still miss Melanie . I wanted to keep the last post at the top of my page . . . there 's something about that shaving cream everywhere that just screams Melanie . This is Melanie . She likes shaving cream . She is eating it , and I am spraying it in her mouth . Melanie does crazy things like eat shaving cream , throw cheeseballs , and in general try to find trouble wherever she might be . She also does crazy things like love the unlovable , move out of a lovely home into a camper , and in general does her best to follow God with abandon . Melanie has taught me a lot in our friendship . More than anyone else I have ever known , Melanie has taught me that people matter more than things . She holds her stuff loosely , and she gives and gives beyond what might seem " sensible " to others . She gives money , time , talents , and she gives of her beautiful , loving heart , even when she 's in danger of running out of herself . Melanie has walked with me through some of the hardest days of my life . I have tried to walk with her through some of hers as well . Melanie is moving , and I am so happy for her . This will be a great adventure for Melanie and her family . God has given them such a heart to love others , and I know He will expand that even more as they grow and minister in a new place . I will miss her desperately , miss stopping at her house to chat , kissing and hugging , tickling and laughing with her kids , and dropping off Junior Mints when the mood strikes . I will miss coffee with her and dinner for our birthdays . I will miss crying and laughing over pretty much anything . But God has taken Melanie on an amazing journey , and this move is going to draw her closer to Him . I know it is . So I will pray for Melanie and her family and for God to keep using them and to bless them with love and laughter wherever they go . Save a place for me , because I can 't wait to come visit you in our new home . And thanks for selling us your house , Mel . Even though I don 't know what to do with it sometimes , there is something special about living where you lived and mowing the grass you mowed . I 'm happy to walk the ground you walked on , my dear friend . I 'll take care of it until you come back to visit . This post is for all my friend with diaper duty on the mind . . . . I 'm doing my sister a HUGE favor by posting this little ditty about the new gro baby cloth diaper . See she wants to try it , but is too lazy , or busy since she has a 7 month old , to set up her own blog and they are giving them away FREE if you 'll post some info on your blog about it , so here I am ! They seem really cool , instead of changing the outer shell all the time you can just snap out the insert and be ready to put in another , you only have to change the shell twice in a day ! Too cool , huh ? Well , if you wanna learn more check it out here . . . I 'll stop gabbing about it now ! I love you , Hannah ! My husband ( then boyfriend ) bought this house in September 2005 . It isn 't your typical house . It is ( was ) a church in its former life . Our dear friends lived in it as their first home for about 9 years . Then they sold it to Matt . Matt lived in the house for a few months before he asked me to marry him in December . I requested two things before our wedding : a redone bathroom and laundry facilities ( he had none at the time ) . I actually had a washer and dryer , but he needed to re - work some stuff in order to hook them up . So he began working on the bathroom . Ok . . . not right then . I think he actually began about 6 weeks before the wedding . Ambitious , right ? Or procrastinatious . ( That 's my made up word in honor of you , Nate . ) Here 's a picture of the demo night : The bathroom proved to be more daunting than he expected . He had moved back into his parent 's house since his shower was now gone , and he and his dad spent as much time as they could working on the remodel . We picked out a lot of things together : the vanity , sinktop , lights , shower , floor tiles , and more . It was fun . Matt had a great floor plan that didn 't pan out , so he re - designed it a number of times before coming up with the final version . At any rate , I began to realize that this wasn 't going to happen before the wedding ( April 1 ) . So I gave him a pass a couple weeks before the wedding . I didn 't want the last few days before the wedding to be so stressful for him , and I knew it wouldn 't happen no matter how hard they worked . So when we returned from the honeymoon . . . it was time to get moving on the bathroom ! It ended up taking until mid - July to get the shower in working order . If you 're calculating , that 's 3 months without a shower . THREE MONTHS . Now it 's hard to remember it , but we trucked to his parents ' EVERY morning to shower and get ready . I do not miss those days . So the shower was finished in July . Of 2006 . Why am I writing about this in 2009 ? Because progress basically stopped at that point and has trickled since then . We had some other things going on in Posted by My last post was related to a very scary book I was reading . I finished it this week . . . I finally took it upstairs and finished it from the safety of the couch . No more of that scary basement business . I didn 't really like the ending . But at least it 's over . But real life brought some horror - ness of its own . It was actually about a week and a half ago . We returned from being out of town , and apparently it was incredibly windy . The side door of our home has an old screen door that my husband has wanted to replace for a while . Apparently the wind got to it before we did , because it looked like this when we returned : Just a little scary . While we were sleeping , the wind picked up again . The door was making a lot of noise , so Matt got up and rigged something to keep it from slamming against the house all night . So I woke up to this set up : I 'm not sure , but it seems like waking up in the morning while you 're in the midst of reading a book about a serial killer and seeing this as you walk downstairs is not exactly comforting . Just maybe . I just got into Ted Dekker 's books a few weeks ago , and I am on my fifth one now . I 'm not sure if I 'll make it through this one , though . It 's about a serial killer , and so far it 's got me on edge . Skin . That 's a pretty creepy title . Or at least a pretty creepy - looking cover . Look at the red lettering . . . and the face that looks like it 's sinking into the sand . Ew . I like suspense and scary stories , but I have started reading while I ride the exercise bike at home . It 's motivation to get me reading , especially with the recent page turners I have devoured . However , living in the middle of the country and riding the bike in the basement of our large house / church when I 'm alone . . . I 'm just not sure how I feel about finishing this one under such conditions . I already moved the bike so that I face the basement while riding . There is NO possible way anyone could sneak up behind me . This morning when my time was up , my heart was beating a little faster as I rounded the corner to fill my water bottle and return it to the refrigerator . When I ride tonight , hopefully it will be less fear - inducing . Maybe Matt will be home by then . I 'm about 120 pages into the story , so I am wavering between finishing it and finding out what happens or quitting now and moving onto something less . . . murderous . Stay tuned . I was trying to find a picture from when I moved to Waverly . This one ( me in the middle of my sisters Steph and Beth ) is dated from January 2001 . I moved in February 2002 , but this is as close as I 'm able to get . It 's amazing to think about how much has changed in seven years . How much I have changed . I scarcely recognize myself . I 'm not talking about physically , although I have definitely changed there . I 'm talking about the steps I have taken in the journey to the woman God has called me to be . This seven years ( almost one - quarter of my life ! ) has brought challenges I never anticipated , pain I wouldn 't wish on my worst enemy . It has also brought deeper joy and greater love than I had ever experienced . So in this time of transition from the ministry that brought me here to the unknown future that lies ahead of me , I reflect on God 's goodness . I rejoice in God 's grace and love . I am amazed at the joy that comes from knowing Him . Even though the next seven years will likely bring more change than I can comprehend today , I eagerly anticipate knowing Him more and seeing Him revealed in each moment of each day that lies ahead . " If the Lord delights in a man 's way , he makes his steps firm ; though he stumble , he will not fall , for the Lord upholds him with his hand . I was young and now I am old , yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread . " Psalm 37 : 25 - 26 ( NIV ) I kept a birthday secret for Matt this year . I kept it for a VERY long time . It was probably close to two months , and I am not good at deception , so this was quite a challenge . He turned 30 on Sunday , so I thought this year should be special . I found this B & B , and I knew he would like the room . They also have a home theater in the basement . We were the only guests that evening , so we had the place to ourselves ! It was great ; the theater seats were insanely comfortable , and we watched " Trans - Siberian " ( too scary for me ; I don 't necessarily recommend it unless you like being afraid for your life ) . We followed up with parts of " The Transporter " since it 's difficult to end the evening on a super scary note . On Saturday , I took him to House on the Rock . He loves that place . I tolerate it , so I knew that he would appreciate the gift of going there and me going with him . I brought a book that I happened to check out at the library on Friday . It was great ; I am SO glad that I thought to grab it and throw it in the camera bag . I read the whole thing ! ( It 's about 100 pages long . ) I moved from light source to light source devouring my new book as Matt took pictures of , well , everything . From every possible angle . I resisted the impulse to hurry him along . This was his birthday gift ; I was determined to let him enjoy it . And he did enjoy it very much . On Sunday , the day of his birthday , we had some friends over for snacks and games and hanging out . Wow , did they bring some incredible food . We need to have friends over more often . Banana bars with cream cheese frosting , homemade guacamole , spinach / cheese dip , smokies wrapped in bacon , brownies with ice cream and hot fudge . . . are you hungry yet ? It was a wonderful way to celebrate Matt 's birthday . He took the camera to work , so I 'll try to get it back and post a few B & B pictures and maybe a House on the Rock one . : - ) Whew - I am so glad the secret 's out ! You probably can 't tell by the picture , but my office was decorated to the max for my 31st birthday . My husband planned a surprise an hour ( sometimes more ! ) , thus the large envelope with instructions on where to find my surprises . He did the most amazing job of making my birthday incredibly special . I have a couple more pics on the camera , but I 'll have to get those out later . My birthday was great because . . . I made monkey bread for breakfast ( and snacked on it all day ) . My sister sent me a very sweet card that I opened in the morning . Tina gave me an amazing , all - day long , present - an - hour gift , too ! ( Where did she find the time ? ) We ate at Panera with some amazing friends ! Starbucks . Cookies . iTunes gift card from Matt ! Pick - your - own gift card from Beth ! Super sweet words from my loving husband . Birthday wishes from so many friends . Beautiful flowers from Mel ! It was a wonderful day . I am so grateful . I 'm a 33 year old first time mom to the amazing Isabella Grace . I work from home and take care of her at the same time , so I have two full - time jobs . Three if you count being a wife as well . I am married to my husband of 5 years , Matt . We live in a former church , hence the bell tower . Tonight I 'm going to the release of the Hunger Games - Catching Fire with my 14 year old . It 's released tomorrow . Only the movie is 10pm tonight . I know . . . Well , it 's been a little quiet around here . . . OK , * really * quiet . It seems as the kids get older and busier , so does mom . But I thought I 'd post a little hi . . . Winter . The bundling . The exact place to press with all of your might against your toddler 's squished layers to buckle their car seat , as the snot drips . . . |
I may have done a post on ham and potato soup before . It is what I like to do with my ham leftovers after Christmas . I don 't have a recipe for this so wanted to make sure I wrote it down while it was fresh in my mind . By now even the ham and potato soup is almost gone as Michelle and I loved it . Usually I do it in the crock pot but I didn 't have time enough for that this time as I wanted it for supper one night so I cooked it in my cast iron pot . I think it was much better this time and will likely give up the crock pot entirely for this recipe . Put it in the pot with enough water to just cover . Boil until the potatoes are done through , turn the heat down until it is just simmering . Add some butter . I believe I added about a 1 / 4 cup . Add milk . I really don 't know how much milk I added maybe a cup , just enough to turn the soup white . Then thicken the soup with a mixture of water and flour . I usually take a small coffee mug , fill it half and half , then whip it with a fork until all the lumps are out . Slowly pour it into the soup while stirring . Cook a bit longer . I have now almost reached a year of taking violin lessons . Phil took a few videos while I was practicing today from his phone and I got them uploaded tonight . Merry Christmas everyone . I hope to have better videos next year . We live on a dirt road so everything collects dust . I don 't like to dust , very seldom ever have time for it , so it . . . collects . My kerosene lamp collection sits on the entertainment center in the living room . So far it has been safe there from the cats ( though the knick - knacks on the shelf below them . . . were not ) ; they have not been safe from the dust . So today 's job was to dust the entertainment center which meant taking all the lamps down , washing the shades and then washing the bases . Maybe tomorrow I will move on to the dust collectors in the kitchen which happen to be all chickens . I decorated my kitchen with chickens and my sister has never gotten over it . She give me heaps of chicken stuff every year which I have no idea what to do with , consequently there are chicken dust collectors all over the kitchen . It is a cookie day for us today . We made the M & M ones . We got lazy and saved the chocolate chip ones for tomorrow . I used to make peanut butter , and oatmeal ones too but since I have to cut back on my sugar and we really don 't need all those cookies for three of us this year , I think we will stop at just two kinds . The M & M cookies filled my big cookie jar as it is and I don 't know what we will do with the chocolate chip ones if they don 't fit in the little jar that I have left ( someone will just have to eat more ! ) . I have next week off . There are actually a couple of trainings that I could go to but since they don 't ever have any kind of training that has to do with my job as the membership clerk , I see no reason to go . It feels so nice to have a week off . I always feel like being home is my " normal " and being at work is the " abnormal " for some reason . I haven 't wood burned anything in a really long time but to me it is just like drawing . It is something I never seem to lose the ability to do . So today I wood burned a gift for Phil 's mother for Christmas . We didn 't want to get her the same jewelry or gift set present that we always get her and when I saw a little bird feeder in the craft section of the store , I knew I wanted to wood burn it and make it pretty and that would be her gift . I drew the design on it today and sat down to wood burn . It took me about two hours ( my hips are so bad , I thought I wasn 't going to get back standing straight again afterwards ! ) . I think it turned out rather nice . As you all may remember ( or not , since I have been real slow posting ) my chickens this year have been duds . I never have gotten so few eggs in a year from any chickens I have had before . I wanted some more but you can 't get chicks here at Tractor Supply until spring and I wasn 't sure I wanted to do the whole brood the chicks thing next year . So I have been keeping my eye out in the paper , on Craigslist , and the facebook sale things for our town for any chickens . Then yesterday as I was coming home from my violin lesson there was a sign that said " Chickens 4 Sale " . It was just down the main road maybe a mile across the bridge ( that goes over the lake ) from us . So I made Phil go back with me but the guy was asleep and he wasn 't waking up ( and there was a pistol on the floor by the couch so Phil decided we wouldn 't startle him awake , ha ha ) . Anyway , today it was raining and raining and raining . It never rains like this here , all day . But it is a light rain today so we went anyway . The guy has all kinds of cages with chickens ( yes , my type of person ) but he was selling some young Buckeye chickens . The Buckeye is a breed of chicken created by a woman in Ohio and the name Buckeye is derived from the Ohio nickname " The Buckeye State " . They are a dual purpose chicken with decent laying ability and are also fairly good as a meat bird . They are yellow skinned and lay brown eggs . The Buckeye was first bred and developed in 1896 , by a Warren , Ohio resident named Nettie Metcalf . [ 6 ] They are the only American breed of chicken known to have been developed by a woman , despite the fact that women were customarily given charge of the household poultry flock throughout much of U . S . history . [ 7 ] Metcalf crossbred Barred Plymouth Rocks , Buff Cochins , and some black breasted red games to produce the Buckeye . Her goal was a functional breed that could produce well in the bitter Midwest winters . Contrary to popular belief the Buckeye breed was created before the Rhode Island Red breed and actually sent birds to the RIR breeders for them to improve their breed . [ 8 ] The recognition of Buckeyes in the Standard has been a significant factor in its survival . [ 6 ] In the past , largely due its lack of color variations , the Buckeye has not been an especially popular exhibition breed , but there is growing interest in the exhibition poultry fancy for this dual - purpose , heritage variety of bird . Not adopted by commercial operations , the Buckeye has generally been a bird of smaller farm flocks . Today the breed status is listed as threatened by the American Livestock Breeds Conservancy , [ 10 ] threatened being defined as Threatened : Fewer than 1 , 000 breeding birds in the United States , with seven or fewer primary breeding flocks , and estimated global population less than 5 , 000 . [ 11 ] The breed is also included in the Slow Food USA Ark of Taste , a catalog of heritage foods in danger of extinction . [ 12 ] Mine are not all that noble looking in the rain today . They are small but I think they are just pullets ( young birds ) and are wet and a bit starved but I think they will do fine with proper care and food . Not a good picture either but it was still raining and my phone wouldn 't take a picture because I never charge it anymore ( cause I never use it ! ) so Phil took the picture with his while they were still in the cage . I 'll get a better one when it is dry out . I got 7 chickens that I think are hens for $ 7 each which is too much but I wanted some and wanted to get a few for my brother who now has a place where he can keep them and has been wanting some for a while . So three of them will be going to him . I hope they lay better than my current bunch or at least inspire the current bunch to lay more . Right now they are being housed in the old duck pen . I 'll let them get used to seeing each other a bit before I put them in together . Posted by The thing with the star on the bottom is what you put through your turkey so you can lift it in and out . There is a hook thing over by the leg , you hook it to the hook on the top of the star thing which will be coming out the neck ( or butt , I can 't remember ) and you can lift in and out the turkey . You hook up your gas grill propane tank to the fryer . Then you basically put peanut oil in the fryer ( I believe there is a line that tells you how far up to start with but you then have to be careful because larger turkey 's will need less oil ) . You can adjust the flame on the it , you heat it to a certain temperature and put the turkey in and then cook it for the recommended time according to how many pounds your turkey it . This is an OUTDOOR toy only ! ! ! Cause that is a whole lot of hot peanut oil in there . This is probably why this is a Southern thing as it usually isn 't so cold here that the guys don 't mind sitting outside watching the temperature on it . This , however , is not a toy that idiots can play with . If you go to Youtube you can see all sorts of videos of turkey frying gone wrong mostly from people putting too much oil in and it overflowing when you put the turkey in and catching on fire . You are better off having too little oil than too much and that turkey needs to be dried off as much as possible before you put it in to prevent the oil from foaming over . It is really chilly here ! We don 't usually get this cold until January or February . . . if we get this cold at all . I actually bought a new coat , which is kind of a funny story . I bought this lovely light brown coat with white fleece trim . I liked it a lot until we went to walk the dog the other day and I heard a shot in the woods . Not unusual for this time of year since we live right beside the WMA property . But that shot made me realized that now I looked just like a DEER ! Eeeek ! I am going to have to make myself a red hat . Anyway , besides the cold , not much is going on here . I have been practicing hard on my violin because my violin teacher has set us up to play for a nursing home in the area on Dec . 13 . The " us " I am referring to are her 4 students . Myself who has been studying with her for a year , a 12 year old girl who has been studying for 6 months , a young man who has been with her about a month and the 12 year old 's older sister ( maybe 14 years ) who has been with her for 2 weeks . Yeah . . . you are thinking the same thing I am . . . that we are going to be really bad at this and we have had one practice together and we are definitely not sounding good . We have several weeks until the 13th but we only have two more practice times together . Plus we are not just playing the melody but 3 of the songs will have three different parts which we play all together ( ugg ! ) . We are to play , Jingle Bells , Jolly Old St . Nicholas , Silent Night ( those are the three with the three parts ) then we are to play Joy to the World together and then she and I will play Up on the Housetop and then we each have a solo piece . I will be playing I 'll Be Home for Christmas . I am pretty nervous about it as I tend to mess up even when I play just for my teacher but it will be good experience I suppose though I would rather just have kept studying several Christmas songs that I wanted to play for my family . Other than that work has been a absolute horror lately up until this week . I now just take it one day at a time and get through it and close my eyes to how bad things are . I need the job too badly to leave it right now . Thanksgiving is coming ! We 'll have our regular one at home and then on the weekend our family will get together at my brothers and we 'll bring Phil 's turkey fryer and fry a turkey . . . . so good ! I hope it is warmer that weekend ! Maybe I 'll remember to take pictures for you all and you 'll get a second post this month ! Spring in New Hampshire is an awesome , nasty , sloppy mess especially if you live in the woods , half way up a mountain . Spring was also noisy . Yes , noisy . You would not believe how noisy it could be . The mud that made our dirt driveway impassable ( the truck sat stuck in it for weeks ) did not make any noise . The leaves sprouting on the poplar trees that surrounded the house made no noise . Neither did the small patches of leftover melting snow . The noise was from the FROGS ! It was impossible not to hear then . It was a loud , steady drone the whole day through . I had walked down and seen that the pond was covered in frogs but I didn 't know that my father had taken notice as well . He never mentioned it and he didn 't walk down there to check them out like I did . Just one day he took his pole . This caught mine and my brother 's attention immediately . I was a girl but I was such a tomboy and I loved fishing . However , my father didn 't take bait . He went to the ragbag where we kept the leftover fabric scraps and got a small piece of red felt . He didn 't tell us what he was doing but we got poles and followed him as he knew we would . My father wasn 't a secretive person but he liked to surprise us and I think he believed in teaching by example . Once we were down by the pond you couldn 't hear to talk anyway . That was how much noise those frogs made . We watched him cut off a very small square from the red felt , put it on his hook , dangle it in front of a frogs face , and SNAP ! a second later the frog had snapped it up and he was caught . My father hit its head on a stone from an old stone wall bordering one side of the pond and put it in a plastic bag he had also brought . Both my brother and myself asked for a bit of red felt and we were off catching frogs . Oh we knew they were for eating , we had had frog legs once before but one frog set of frog legs does not make much of a meal . We were out there for hours , my father went in before we did but we kept catching frogs . We caught 47 the first day and went out again the next day and caught 54 . This didn 't even make a dent in the frog population or noise level of our little pond . My father cut and skinned the frog legs and put them in a cast iron frying pan . Then quickly slapped the lid on it . He then lifted it a bit and showed us how the frog leg reflexes would make the legs jump if he didn 't have the lid on and they did , they jumped like they were still a attached to the frog ! I had a friend who once told me that she never learned how to shop . What she meant was she didn 't know how to " bargain shop " . She said she went to one grocery store and just bought what they had . This was kind of amazing to me . It never occurred to me that people didn 't watch the sales and shop accordingly . I was quite pleased when I moved here to find that there were 4 large grocery stores in town to choose from ( we only have 3 now ) and they are all no more than a mile from each other . It didn 't take long to establish ' what to buy where ' . This has changed some over the years but I still know what is mostly on sale now at each of the stores . One of the stores is my favorite for meat . It always has a good selection and if you get there early enough . . . but not too early , you can go through the marked down meat and get some good deals . The other store has all the buy 1 get 1 free sales and it also has the fuel perks . The last store is Wal - mart , it is where I get most of my boxed and canned stuff because it is always cheaper there . What also amazed me about my friend was that she didn 't buy the marked down stuff saying she didn 't know what was still " good " . You have eaten food all your life and you don 't know what is good ? Smell it ! Touch it ! Look it over good ! If it looks good and smells good it probably is good as far as meat and fresh vegetables go . If it is in a can , it is likely still good anyway . Also think about what you can use it for . If it is a really good deal but you don 't usually buy it , think of what you could use it for . For instance , this week one store had these small rolls of turkey marked down . This part of a roll was only $ 2 . 11 . It was too good of a deal to pass up so I had to think of what to use it for . I felt I could slice it and use it for sandwich meat or I could dice it in cubes and put it in a casserole or quiche . I bought 4 of them . I sliced one today . Sorry about the phone picture but this package is only a third of what I sliced up . We will have plenty of sandwich meat for a while and meat for several dinner meals . . . and they were $ 2 . 11 each ! ( Yes , I will post when I make other meals from it ) . I always buy extra of a good deal . Last year at Christmas the turkeys were so cheap that I couldn 't resist and bought four of them . Two of them are still in the freezer and will be used this year at Christmas and Thanksgiving . It is one less thing during the holidays that I will have to worry about this year . I swear it is not the same as it used to be . I used to make bread and it would rise up out of the pan and swell over it like bread is supposed to but it never does it now . I am trying to make bread today and used two " rapid rise yeast " and it is SO slow and will probably just barely get over the pan rim . Maybe I am more impatient than I used to be ? I think that is unlikely . I know what you are all going to say that sourdough is better and I liked it when I had a sourdough but it never rose over the rim either and I did not use it enough to keep it going well . I am going to wait longer for it to rise although I wanted to have it with dinner . Maybe I can get it over the rim eventually . Or in our case baked macaroni since I had no Ziti yesterday . I had gone to my brother 's house on Tuesday to visit and my sister - in - law fed us this for lunch . It always seems funny to me that I probably have several cookbooks with Baked Ziti recipes in them but I almost never try anything new from a cookbook . For some reason I have to see the recipe in person which is what happened with this one . It was SO good ! So she told me what she had put in it and I made it for us the next day . . . except I didn 't have any ziti and substituted the macaroni for it . Pasta is pasta . Cook the pasta , Meanwhile cook the hamburger , onions and peppers in a frying pan . Sprinkle generously with Italian seasoning while cooking . Drain grease , add spaghetti sauce . Cook the sauce on low until pasta is done . Drain pasta . Mix the two together add about a cup of grated parmesan cheese , add about half your shredded cheese . Put in a 9x13 in . pan . Sprinkle the top with more parmesan cheese and the rest of your shredded . Cook for about a half an hour in an oven on about 375 degrees . I hesitated to write this one . If you " prep " too much people think you are strange . I can 't explain to people that I am not really a " prepper " when I post things like this . I have a " bag " in my car and Phil has one in his truck . It is NOT because we think the world will eventually collapse and we think we might have to " bug out " . We really don 't believe that but we do have " emergency bags " in our vehicles . This is in case some natural disaster prevents us from getting home and we need to go on foot OR some disaster causes us to spend a couple of days somewhere other than home . Our emergency bags aren 't complete however , they are just a work in progress . My emergency bag is rather small but I have done it keeping in mind the amount that I think I can carry . Even then , it will still be heavy for me . Phil has a much larger bag because he can carry more . I tend to pack a few more medical supplies in mine because I work with over 100 children and I always have the fear that we will have a tornado or something while I am there and any medical supplies at that time may be helpful . I am missing some things and even today I added a few more things that Phil had in his bag that I didn 't know about until we were taking these pictures and I wanted them in mine as well . This folding shovel and MRE stay in my trunk with the bag because they won 't fit in it . This is what is strapped on the outside of the bag , an extra knife , some clips and extra rope . I did miss one whole pocket in the food section that had Slim Jims , more peanuts and a folding fork / spoon set . Just his first pocket has all sorts of stuff . I know there is a whistle , compass , glow stick ( I have these in my bag too . I think I lost a picture somewhere . . . ) , a map of the area , a mirror , scissors , binoculars , and I don 't know what he rest of the stuff is . Here is his gloves , hatchet , headphones , spoon and fork , a pot and folding stove for the Sterno ( I bought that for him ) and cord . Oh and I think that is a fishing kit . I want one of those in mine ! After looking through Phil 's bad to do this post , I added some Moleskin ( I had never heard of it ) and a 5 in 1 tool I found at Wal - mart that has a waterproof container for matches , a compass , a mirror , whistle and fire starter . I want to add a blanket and tarp still but other than that , this is probably what I will have in my emergency bag . I can 't say that it hasn 't come in handy . I have gotten things out of it several times at work . The duct tape has come in handy and so has the thermometer when I had a child who was sick at work and our thermometer 's battery had died . I have a work bag too and tools in the car that come in handy all the time . Nothing like being prepared ~ Cook in the crockpot a 2 - 3 hours until the cornmeal thickens . Cool and eat ! It is so good ! And I never would have know if I didn 't have my dry milk in the same plastic containers as my cornmeal . . . . because this is the same recipe I used to make yogurt only there is no cornmeal , it needs dry milk . . . . so you see my mistake . I put it all in the frig and I am eating it for breakfasts . She is a wonderful lady in her 90 's with , as you can imagine , lots of cooking experience . The Poor Man 's Meal really intrigued me . My version is slightly different because I don 't have Clara 's sauce to add to it but it was still pretty good ( there is a video for Clara 's sauce too , I just haven 't gotten to it yet ) . It is a very basic meal : potatoes , onions and smoked sausage ( Clara used hotdogs ) . You cut up the potatoes in small chunks , then the sausage into small slices and add a cut up onion . I used a Vidalia onion because I happened to have some Vidalias which are nice and sweet ( not all Vidalia onions are , even though they are all supposed to be sweet ) . You add oil , salt and pepper and fry all of it until the potatoes are done . When I tried it I felt it was a little bland ( missing Clara 's sauce perhaps ) so I added a few sprinklings of hot sauce and thought it was much better . I think next time maybe a chili pepper or some hot pepper flakes ? But you could add any spice or herb you want . Another day trip ! But this one was even more special because my oldest son was down to visit . He had a three day weekend and came with his wife to see us ! I hadn 't seen him since before he went to Afghanistan . He is still in the Army and , of course , doesn 't get much time off when he can come . It was too hot by the time we got going to the swamp and we probably should have just not gone . . . but we went anyway . It turned out to be 97 degrees today . I hoped that the park would involve too much walking but it was all walking , nothing but trails and we went all the way around it . By this time I was SO hot and dying to stop . We got to this covered viewing area and stopped for a little while trying to cool down some . We had been off the boardwalk for a while by now and just walking the trail . This pond was surrounded by a fence . I am not sure what it was keeping in or out but we only saw the white birds in it . I think they are snowy egrets . We then went through a very long trail through the woods where we really didn 't see anything interesting . I was just glad to be in the shade and trying to get through and back to the car . We ran into one detour at nearly the end where the nice quick trail was " closed " and we had to take the longer one around which really wasn 't appreciated at the time . We were all very glad to make it back to the car . I think it was still a nice trip but one I wouldn 't want to take again until it is a lot cooler . Today I woke up and started asking Phil , " Where are we going to go today ? " I am trying to get us out more to see things . He didn 't know and I didn 't know so we got online and I found these Indian mounds in Macon , GA . Macon is just a couple hours from us . So we went . The trip was fairly nice until we got to Milledgeville where Phil tried to kill us pulling out of the gas station on the wrong side of the street ( there was a grassy divider between the lanes so we ended up on the wrong side of the street . . . going the wrong way and a truck who was on the right side almost hit us when we got to the intersection . Another recreation . This showed the seating the lodge . There are hollowed out place in front of each seat that they really aren 't sure what they were used for . We then went outside to see the real ceremonial mound . It has been reconstructed and only the floor is the original because the structure had been burned sometime in its past possibly when the Indians abandoned it . Here is it from the outside . I mistakenly thought this was all we would have to walk today . . . I didn 't know there were other mounds but this one is the only one you can go inside . And then there were other mounds . . . WAY over there so we walked , and walked , and walked a whole lot more . It was very hot today ! They don 't look that big in this picture . But the big one is huge and has these handy steps for you to climb . . . . One of my rest stops on the way up the mound steps . I wasn 't doing so good by now . Heart skipping and not getting in nearly enough air but I was determined to make it to the top . And here is the view from the very top of the mound . It was nice but I was really too tired to enjoy it . A cooler day might have made this a lot better for me . We then went back down . I did not think I could walk all the way back through the hills in the sun so we decided to take the road which was more shaded although I think it was quite a bit longer . I made it about 2 / 3 of the way and they had this nice little bench in the shade and I had to stop by this little railroad bridge . A train went by while we were there . Phil and I live on a very small piece of land here in Thomson , Ga . We so hope to buy our own place in time where we can be a lot more self sufficient . I work at a state park here and sell things in my etsy shop as well https : / / www . etsy . com / shop / BeckysCrochetShop32 We 've described it as natural , happy , delicious and ( yes ) perfect . Why ? Because in the 2015 vintage this hits all the pleasure points : bright , juicy frui . . . I 'm so happy I finally completed this quilt today . I started it late August in preparation for my daughter 's new room . I used many fabrics from an Alison G . . . I haven 't posted many of my photos recently , so I 'm putting together some collections . This is my backyard garden from early April until yesterday . Spring . . . . Grasses , Knockout roses , sedum , lavender , winter berry shrubs and weeds . Howdy friends ! As I titled this post I thought maybe I should call it the Dandeli . . . Hey Ya 'll ! How 's it going ? I 'm doing well . Can you believe it 's almost May ? Wow ! Time sure does fly ! Everything is about a month early here , as I 'm s . . . Gunner and The HeathenIt 's been a CRAZY winter , as all of you know . I finally have a car and was ready to hit the road with Heath . I planned to stop . . . Its the start of a new year 2017 ! It 's late , everyone 's in bed , I 'm having trouble sleeping these days as my mind has shifted direction . My eldest son ha . . . Soooo …… 23 years ago when I moved to Denver , I thought I was done with excessive heat , monster humidity and apocalyptic bugs . Turns out I was wrong . In just . . . The fennel in our garden is ready to eat . After discovering how much we loved eating it last year we decided to add it to our garden this year . The picture . . . It seems ages since I posted a recipe ( probably because it is ages since I posted a recipe ) . It 's the time it takes - to make it , and photograph it . It al . . . Dave of Our Happy Acres will be the new host . Dave has been a regular on Harvest Monday since 2012 . He grows a lot of interesting vegetables and varietie . . . On my last post I showed you MOST of the dining area . . . but not all of it . There was one wall that was in progress . Since moving in 3 months ago , I moved s . . . Do you know what day it is ? Do ya ? No it isn 't Hump day , it is canning day ! ! Today I was trying out my new steam canner . I really didn 't know alot about st . . . * Do you dream about food * like I do ? Most nights I start dreaming up recipes before I even fall asleep . The difficult thing about this , is remembe . . . The beginning of the month is still hot and humid . There 's so much to do , but it 's so hard to get motivated . The Littles start going to the lakes with th . . . The better part of a year has passed since posting last . Life seems to take over sometimes and passes before you without so much of a tip of the head . So , . . . |
Once in awhile I like to tell stories to the girls . But something I especially love to do is to sneak a lesson into the lines as I go . I have done this with The Husband for years . Decades . Here is an example : He claims it 's annoying of me to do that . I call it an incidental teaching opportunity . I also call it , shut up and fix the damn door . Back to the story . It has come to my attention that Teena and Genea believe they are Professional Competition Talkers . As soon as they think of it they will avidly discuss entry requirements to the Olympics . Thankfully Genea has scaled it back a bit , but Teena took up all that dead air for herself . It is not even believable how much they talk . Not only do they talk incessantly , they constantly require confirmation that I heard them . It goes like this : Me : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So the other day at dinner , Teena asked me to tell the story of my grandmother , who was possibly the original Professional Competition Talker . I tell my stories with a lot of , mmm , secret detail . Secret because there is no way of verifying any of it . I think . Anyhoo , here is the story I told . My grandma was a talker . She talked and talked and talked . It did not matter if anyone was listening . It did not matter if anyone was in the house . She just talked . She talked to the pots and pans while she cooked dinner . She talked to the utensils she stirred food with . She talked to the food itself ! She opened her closet door in the morning , and guess what ? She talked to her clothes . She gave them human attributes and asked them questions . Do you want to get worn today ? How about you ? Nope black shirt , too hot for you today and you just went out for lunch last week . So sad you are black shirt , so sad , but you have to give the other shirts a chance . You can 't hog up all the chances ! And on and on . And on some more . She talked everywhere she went . She talked to the car while she drove it . Surely she talked to other cars on the road . She talked to hear herself talk . In short , my grandma liked to talk . She felt very strongly that there was no such person , place , or thing that could not be improved with the sound of her voice . Dramatically and wonderfully improved . As I am telling this story at the dinner table , the girls are asking me all kinds of silly questions . Did she talk to the grass ? Yes . Did she talk to her hair ? Most definitely . Did she talk to the fan ? Yep . I had a moment of brilliance , as I sometimes do . I was telling the story and it occurred to me that I could weave in a lesson about the negative effects of too much talking . Yes , I amaze myself . It 's a gift . I decided that I could squeeze in a bit of uh , secret detail , that could only benefit me later . Or even immediately . So , I continued the story . My grandma kept talking and talking , until one day she woke up and she couldn 't talk any more . You see , she had used up her lifetime allotment of words , and now she had no more ! No , it 's true . She talked so much that there were no words left . She had to go around the rest of her life like that . That can happen , didn 't you know ? Every person , when they are born , gets a certain number of words to say for their life . When the words are used up , that 's it ! So far this summer the girls have had summer school , and then last week they had Karate camp . So , this week starts the first time all summer that our days are free and unscheduled . Karate camp was a blast ! ! ! I was so impressed , the very first day they came home and had learned a lot . They weren 't great of course , but I could recognize what moves they were trying to accomplish . There was a lot of yelling hi - YA and trying to balance on one foot . Teena would say " Mama , Mama , be a perpetrator Mama , pretend you are a perpetrator " . I eventually figured out she meant I should try to grab her by the arms , which I did , and she promptly kicked me in the shin . It worked ! I let go ! Now begins the official summer drag . Endless days , open season on tantrums and fits . I realized something recently - I home school ! Yes I do ! It was a surprise to me as well ! I know that Genea needs all the help she can get academically . If I can keep her up with the material , then she will be more able to focus on new information when school starts in the fall . When she moved in with us , I don 't think she could sing the alphabet so we started there and I tried to get her as much of a running start as I could for kindergarten and I have made a point of working on academics all summer going on three years now . I found out from reading Watching the Waters ( who actually does home school and knows what she is talking about ! ) that this is home schooling ! Well daaaaaaaaaaaaang ! I guess it is ! So now I know - I would officially slit my own throat if I had to do this all year round ! One of those things you don 't know until you try it I think . Anyhow , Teena works on writing her name and such and so far this summers home school is going great . You know , since we started today . Awesome ! I love the look of little girls with pierced ears . When I was a kid I had a friend from a large Italian family and all the new babies had little gold posts or tiny thin hoops in their ears . I thought it was adorable ! I wanted to get Teena 's ears pierced right away when she was a baby but I let people talk me out of it . So many people suggested that I wait until she was older , to make a glorious day of mother - daughter fun out of it . To make it a rite of passage , or to mark a significant event with it . It should be special , people said , an occasion . The Husband is good in these area 's , he will give an opinion but recognizes he has no experience being a girl . However he did not like the idea . So , I left it be . I let people talk me out of it and I then spent the next four years wishing I had not . Ugh . Since when do I let people talk me out of stuff like that anyway ? When Teena decided she was ready to talk I started asking her opinion on earrings . Are you sure you don 't want pierced ears ? How about now ? And now ? What do you think about pierced ears hmmm ? Teena tried to redirect or ignore me but finally gave in last fall . I promptly paraded her to the mall and happily dragged her to the Claire 's . FYI and BTW , there is nothing special or passage - like about hanging off a bar chair with your butt halfway in the mall from the doorway of the Claire 's . Nothing . I signed 400 pages of documents , they shot Teena with the snappers , she looked really startled and turned red and then we were done . Genea had already - pierced ears when she moved in . Unfortunately , at some point one of the earrings fell out and the hole closed up within a few days without my even realizing we had a problem . I gave her the choice to get the ear re - done or let the other one close up and she made the only sensible decision for a 4 year old - close ' em up ! Really , her behavior at that time was so wild and out of control and violent that earrings were probably not a good idea anyway . So I only started nagging her about a year ago . Are you ready yet ? How about now ? I thought Teena getting hers done might prompt Genea to do it too , but no - go . She was afraid of the pain . Who knows what goes on in the mysterious mind of Genea . Late last week she woke up and informed us she wanted to get her ears pierced . YAY ! I gave it a few days and off we went . I filled out the 400 forms to verify I am Genea 's mom , her parent and not her guardian , official and legal - like . The piercer noticed the marks from the old holes and asked about using the same spots , which I thought would be fine , there hadn 't been any issues there . Then she asked when had I had the original piercing done ? And I went . . . . . ummm . . . . . Hmmmm . I don 't know when they were done . Woosh ! Just like that , Genea became The Adopted Child ! About 20 different thoughts were jumping around my brain . Should I tell them ? Should I not tell them ? It 's not their business . I don 't know when she had them done because I was not there for the first 4 years of her life . They don 't need to know that . I can 't just leave it though . A mom knows when her child 's ears were pierced . They will think I am not her mom and refuse to do the piercing . How could I not know ? I have to tell them something . I looked over at the piercer who was busy sanitizing something and I realized she did not seem to care too much . I paused another moment . What should I say ? Nothing . In the end I said nothing . Which was appropriate . I answered the question and I had nothing to hide . An explanation might have been nice but , meh , too bad . Here is the " before " picture of Genea . They leave this cute little teddy bear on the chair for kids to hold on to . The teddy bear has about 12 piercings in her ears . Hootchie teddy bear . This is Genea smiling just before the action . Ummm , there is no " after " picture . Despite all of our warnings that this was going to hurt , Genea was still surprised at the level of pain . Many , many shoppers in the mall that day were also surprised at the volume one medium sized child could emit shrieking in pain . I didn 't explain anything to them either . There I sat . Innocently , calmly , quietly . Not bothering anyone . Completely unprepared for the colossal insult about to be shotgunned at me by the child I gave up caffeine for . The child that took 30 hours to move herself and her accessories out of my body ( not that I felt most of it but that is not the point ) . We were sitting together actually , on my recliner . A recliner meant really for one medium sized adult . Maybe one adult and a cat . But not one adult and a child . However , as I am so immensely generous of a person , I let both of my children cram their bodies into the chair with me , one at a time of course . I have to twist and torque into shapes the human body was not designed for but I love my little girls and they love to sit crammed in there with me and we do . Despite the unbelievable discomfort it causes me . And pain . So Teena , she is an articulate child and a bright one at that . While she is often logic - and - filter - impaired , she is observant . As we were sitting on my recliner and her 200 degree body was caulked in with me , she made a comment . " What makes them look old ? " I queried back to her , unsure and looking for clarity . After all , feet are not the typical age detector . ( I believe this was a good indicator of things I need to learn as a parent . Exhibit A : for the love of body butter , know when to ask and when to let it go ! ) Clearly recognizing she needed to backtrack at the speed of a runaway train she wouldn 't discuss it any further . But I was stuck . Stuck because I was both impressed by her descriptive skills and pissed off about my old looking brushie feet . Too little too late , I let it go . I 've waited a couple of weeks to see if this was really going to happen . It seems to be . The Husband received the following text message : " Don 't know if you 've noticed but i am no longer living across the street . Skankenho and I have split up and i have moved out , aside from a few big items that are still there for the moment . The kids have asked if i can still visit them . So the only time i am over there is in the evening or at night and it is usually for about a half hour to an hour . Not sure if you 're still gonna do what you had told me the last couple times we talked but i just wanted to update you on the situation . " GUESS WHO FINALLY GOT OUT OF MY FACE ! ! ! ! ! That 's right , Jack Ass . Don 't let the door hit ya ' where the good Lord split ya ' ! Here is a post on the history of all this , and a few other links that will explain it all , within reason anyway . To make a long , super long , story condensed , the man who originally adopted my daughter from Ukraine and terminated his parental rights after about 3 years moved in across the street from us with a new girlfriend and her 2 daughters , and began doing some creepy things . We got a restraining order that turned out to be fairly flimsy . There have been a few verbal altercations since , and mostly he has hidden inside the house but would not leave ! So what is Mr . Ass referring too in the last line of his text ? At one point , The Husband told him that if he moved away and was no longer a threat to our daughter , than we would not need a restraining order . If he was not there we would cooperate with steps to get the order lifted , if that is possible . See , but I guess we forgot to tell him he had to move the fuck away and STAY away for it to count , because he has been at that house just about every other day for weeks . He is mowing the lawn . He takes care of the garbage cans . He is an unwashed unpaid houseboy . Oh , and by the way thanks for the six months we just spent in the seventh circle of hell you moron . I guess I missed the part of the text where it says he is so very sorry for all the inhuman pain he caused . No sir , straight to the main focus of his pathetic life - himself . Seriously , he has the nerve to ask for a favor . For us to do something for him . Selfish . Ignorant . Fucktardmoron . I was somewhat surprised to read the note that he will be coming by to spend time with Skankenho 's daughters . They have a father . They have a good father . He is the one I see at the school functions . He is the only one I have ever seen out at the park with those girls . He is always at the bus stop early when it 's his turn to pick them up . In fact , he is early enough to have had a conversation with me on one of the last days of school . I was shocked to find out he had no idea of what was going on with Jack and us . Shocked ! I casually brought up our restraining order on Jack and could not believe The Real Dad did not know any of this ! He knew the police had been by the house , but not why . Well , once that cat had squiggled out of the bag I had to tell him all of it . I did not exaggerate and I did not try to make us look better or them worse , I just told him what has been happening . He , The Real Dad , who pays a huge amount of child support . He pays Skankenho to babysit her own children when he is working , by custody order . He pays her lots and lots of money to sit there while their kids are in school and he is working ( remember , we citizens pay their rent and other needs ) . He who wants full custody and does not have it . Gosh , and I know how important all that money is to her . I sure hope that didn 't cause her any problems . Now , the last thing I need is to find a scuzzy man to parade up and down my street to catch her attention . She is going to need someone to do the laundry and watch those kids . Should I try Match dot com ? " Seeking Scumball with job income . Drugs a plus , access to script pad pharmacy a double plus plus ! Must love pumping stomachs and mowing the lawn . I enjoy : super poor judgement , watching tv , laying on the couch , passing out . Love drama ! " Problem was , rain was forecast on and off all day . And in fact , I have never seen bizzaro rain like this before . Probably 3 or 4 times the sky would turn a deep dark gray and water would explode in the air . Afterward , it would clear entirely and we would see the sun again , creating an odd sort of steam in the heat . So , should we stay or should we go ? The fact that we parents could not answer the question caused a blip in the brains of the children , sort of like what would happen on those old fashioned big black CD 's we used to call records . Scratch thunk are we going to the fireworks ? Scratch thunk are we going to the fireworks ? Finally around 8 : 00 we decided to give it a whirl . Mind you , 8 : 00 is Genea 's bedtime . But with all the other changes disrupting her anyway , what the heck , add a few more . The Husband and I , we generally have ambitious plans early on and as we lose energy and brain cells throughout the day , we jettison our ideas from our own sinking ship . Go early and have dinner at the festival ? Meh . Nope . Bring a cooler full of drinks ? Meh , no ice in the freezer . Forget it . So we ( I ) packed up a few things and left the house . Outside it felt like we were in the shower with the water on scalding hot . Probably 90 degree 's and 90 % humidity . A hundred years ago we lived in Columbia , South Carolina for about 5 minutes during the late summer . It felt like that . We headed downtown towards the big festival the city puts on every year , with bands and beer tents every 2 steps and tons of awesome food every 10 steps , and set about the process of trying to find a good spot to watch the fireworks . People start coming out around noon to stake out their spots for the show and so the really good spots were simply out of our reach and we never even bothered with those area 's . We snaked our way through the hundreds of hot , smelly people , who had been at the festival for many hot , humid hours . What is it about a festival that inspires the hairiest of men to strip dignity and shirts off in public ? There should be a law . With the rain and the heat and all that beer , one might imagine the smells rivaled those of the dead . Icky . Super raging colossal icky . But we shoved on . I want to take a minute to tell everyone about the personal sacrifice I made here , for the love of the children . I love fry bread . Love it more than chocolate . Love it more than ice cream . Love it more than buttercream cake with buttercream frosting ( though that one is close ) . I LOVE fry bread . It 's that stuff you can only get at festivals usually , sometimes it 's called Elephant Ears too . It seems to be a batter that is sort of snaked into a vat of boiling oil until it turns a beautiful golden brown color . The Fry Bread Master then retrieves it , shaking powdered sugar over the magical result . Oooooooh , it 's a fabulous thing . If it is prepared by a highly skilled Fry Bread Master , a luscious sugary grease should blow up in your mouth after just the right amount of crisp is bitten into . Oh yeah , um , anyway . I had to forgo my fry bread for several reasons . Purchasing one item , any item , is the start of a slippery slope . Once they know we can buy things , the children suddenly want one of everything . Then , the mess . Then we would need drinks and after drinks , a bathroom . Well there are none of those . Just port o ' pots . Right . No . For the children , for the love of the children . Lastly , with the heat and the excitement we raised our puke potential to a level orange ( serious threat ) . We finally found a good spot , sort of . It was behind some of the early stakers who brought their living room furniture with them evidently . They had a coffee table between their recliners and the space above the coffee table was just perfect for 2 small children to see over ! We waited . And waited and waited . Genea was about out of her skin in the 2 inches of unused space we had marked out for ourselves . Up - down up - down twirl - around up - down . The show not scheduled to start until 9 : 45 ( does that seem unusually late to anyone else ? ) it blessedly began quite close to on time . It was then that we realized we had made a horrible mistake . The fireworks were going off directly over the tree 's we had perched by . Sigh - double - sigh . SIGH ! After a few minutes I scoped out a better spot that Genea and I could cram ourselves into just in front of the living room when one of the inhabitants got up to pee . We were sitting in the dirt but the view was better . The sky continued to spit and the size of the spit got bigger causing a group a few rocks down from us to abruptly leave . Score ! I moved Genea and I , and then Teena down to the rocks where we had a great view . The rain continued its assault , picking up pace until there was no denying , it was raining . I had stashed some garbage bags in our stuff to sit on in case the ground was wet and they were repurposed to cover us instead . The wind picked up and our garbage bags were flapping , the rain was falling and I was torqued so uncomfortably on my filthy rock that I knew I would be attached to my tens unit for the next few days . And it was totally worth it because fireworks are freaking awesome ! ! ! But it was even more awesome to have the girls see fireworks for the first time ! I could have watched their beautiful little faces instead of the show because they were that thrilled ! They were amazed and awed and a little scared the droopy ones would fall on them just like I was when I was little ! What do you all think about that denim diaper commercial ? The one where that baby is parading the streets of some city in a shirt and diaper while pretentious statements are made about how fabulous he is ? Cuz I would be less creeped out by a night time visit from Jeffery Dahmer holding a fork and I wouldn 't touch their bizzaro diapers with a designer turd . My kids crapped the same in generic diapers as in any other kind . Of course I said I would never let a stick of a certain gum pass my lips without Mike Tyson shoving it in there because their inane commercials about the dirty mouth / clean it UP made me nuts . That turned out to be a lie . Their packaging is bright and shiny and the easiest to grab in line . Call me a hypocrite . If I wait a few more years will the bags under my eyes travel to become flattering cheekbones ? With the right amount of fluid retention would I look like Maria Shriver ? I would like to know where my eyeliner actually goes . After an hour or two it is no longer on my eye area . It is not in the bags under my eyes , I checked . So , where is it ? Lastly , thank you to Shanti at Adoption Is Our Nutshell ! She did a giveaway for a $ 20 Amazon card and I won . I have to say it was really nice because I have won a few little blog giveaways and never once have I received the item . So this was a lovely change ! She asked for my email and I sent her a note by email with my home address and info on it . Um , duh . She sent it electronically and automatically . Ahem . So , THANK YOU ! Check her out if somehow you have not ! Once upon a time I lived a lovely little life . I did what I wanted . I spent what I wanted . My husband and I traveled when we wanted and ate at restaurants when we wanted . One day after eating out while traveling and spending too much on dinner and drinks , we became pregnant and it was a girl ( Teena ) . 2 years later I thought I had this mom thing under control and we adopted a 4 year old little girl ( Genea ) . She is Ukrainian and was previously adopted by another family who dissolved ( " disrupted " ) their adoption and severed their parental rights . The girls are 10 and 12 now . I left my job a few years ago to be a SAHM . Things have gone uphill from there ! |
When I wrote it I felt better for getting the story out . If you had asked me back then if i was okay , I would have truthfully told you , yes , I 'm still feeling shocked , but I 'm okay . I really had no idea of the psychological damage done by then and should probably have asked the police for counselling . The reason I didn 't ask is the same reason I haven 't spoken to anyone about it throughout the year , and that reason was that I was not hurt . How could I lift a phone and ask for advice when there were people killed , people bereaved and people physically injured . I was unscathed . I was a bystander . I was one of the lucky ones . I went home that night . I sat at a table with my family three days later . My gifts were not still sitting under the tree on boxing day . I was spared by the simple decision of my husband to cross the road when we did . I was not hurt . Every time a news report came on TV about it I reminded myself how lucky I was . When the photographs of the six victims were published , I felt heartbroken for their families , but also a guilty relief that I wasn 't looking at my husbands photograph or that my family were not looking at mines . As we sat at our Christmas dinner table 3 days after the accident I took some family photos . My dads bruised face from a separate accident showed his pain , our puffy tired faces from crying and lack of sleep showed on ours , and so did a determination that we would make sure we enjoyed Christmas . We reminded ourselves minute by minute that we were the fortunate ones with our family around us and forced any iota of self pity out of our minds . We created a little scene in that room of the happy family and didn 't acknowledge any negative feeling at all . A few days later I was standing at a bus stop in a town about 20 miles from Glasgow when a bin lorry turned the corner and accelerated past me . Without thinking I leapt into a doorway and felt a surge of adrenaline . Only once the lorry passed out of my sight did I realise I was holding my breath . " Don 't be daft " , I told myself , " Why are you getting upset ? What are the chances of that happening again ? " " Well , what were the chances of it happening in the first place , but it still happened ! " And so the loop of lopsided logic in my mind answered this question with doubt , fear , panic and anxiety from then on . I convinced myself that this was temporary , that as time went on I 'd feel better . Only to her did I confess that I am living with the constant fear that everything can go wrong in a split second at any point in my life . Only she heard about the overwhelming panic I felt whilst driving on holiday in April which has appeared regularly since then with the feeling that no matter how careful a driver I am , other drivers are dangerous . Only she seemed to make sense of the moods and intense anger I felt in situations at work , with family etc which coincided with the Fatal Accident Inquiry exposing the driver of the lorry as a liar , very culpable in the accident , but protected by the law from prosecution . Only my counsellor heard that I had an anxiety attack when I got my winter coat out of the wardrobe in late Autumn as it meant Christmas was approaching . I told her about the intense guilt I felt at having counselling at all , how I felt like a phony because I only saw the accident , I was not hurt . I explained that the closer it was getting to Christmas , the more panic I was feeling . I shared with her the thoughts of disaster which attack my mind constantly , that I feared an accident or sudden illness would hit one of my loved ones over Christmas . I told her about the intense nightmares I 'd had waking me in tears . I told her I never wanted to go to Queen Street again , that I cannot even look at photographs of the Duke 's statue and that footage of the big wheel and ice rink in the square make me feel physically sick . Just before Christmas she told me she had reviewed her notes on me with her manager and they had both agreed that I should consider a short course of CBT with them to treat PTSD . It felt absurd to hear that , it still does to think of it . That 's what soldiers in war zones get , that 's what victims of serious assaults feel . Not me , I wasn 't hurt . I felt embarrassed at the suggestion . On the anniversary of the accident I travelled to Glasgow alone after work as my husband couldn 't get time off . I felt it would be a positive thing to do . To remember the victims and spend some spiritual time on it amongst others who were affected and understood . I didn 't want to ask anybody to accompany me as I didn 't think anyone else could understand . Whilst travelling in i received a message from my hubby to contact a mutual friend , Tom . He was attending with his friend Janey and they didn 't want me to go on my own . Just after the accident last year , Tom had felt so moved by the accident , he released a recording of " Mother Glasgow " to raise cash for a victims fund . I felt reassured knowing that he 'd be with me . The ceremony was very formal , but also poignant . It focussed on the healing of " Body , mind and soul " and acknowledged the injuries physically , psychologically and emotionally . It recognised the meaningless of it all and the fact that it could have been prevented . Afterwards we were all invited to attend a buffet in a different building . I didn 't fancy that at all , but I also didn 't want to go home in the frame of mind I was in . I was relieved when Janey suggested we go for a cuppa nearby . Janey is a gifted comedienne ( amongst other things ) and managed to lift our spirits for a wee while , but once we moved onto the subject of the accident I reached a moment of epiphany . She described how she had come across the immediate aftermath of the accident and had helped victims and police . She described to a tee the surreality of the day , the disbelief and feeling of powerlessness . How she helped police , paramedics and even helped direct traffic and put up police tape . When Janey described it she began stuttering and was clearly still in shock a whole year later . She spoke about how it had affected her head and I felt so much empathy and even relief that it wasn 't just me who felt that way . I felt so much compassion for her and wanted to tell her she was as much a victim as those physically hurt . Then it dawned on me that if I felt this compassion for her , why was I judging myself so harshly for feeling the trauma from it . My eyes filled with tears and Janey got me a clean tissue from her bag and I apologised . It was the biggest revelation is had about myself all year . I am grateful to Tom and Janey for that day as it let me look at myself with a new perspective - I had saw Janey 's hurt and saw my own in it too . I was hurt . Not physically , nothing you can see , but like a faulty hard drive or a dodgy processor , my head hasn 't handled what I saw and its affecting everything else I 've tried to do since then . I have had this blog sitting in my ' drafts ' folder since Sunday as I 've been worrying about the stigma attached to the anxiety and psychological issues I 've admitted in it . There must be another 30 - 40 people out there that witnessed what we did at such close range . There must be others out there who feel the same and wonder if they are going mad ? There are people out their who believe they weren 't hurt and think they should feel fortunate for that . It 's for those people I 've decided to publish this . Maybe they will see themselves in a different light too . I welcome them to contact me if they feel it would help . We got into town and after a quick bite to eat we headed to the first shop on our list in Buchanan Street . We phoned my husband 's sister for advice on what to buy our niece and nephew and she suggested we try a shop nearby in Queen Street . We headed there straight away and when we reached Queen Street my hubby said " let 's cross over to the other side , I think the shop is one the other side . " I had no idea that one small decision was potentially the difference between life and death for us both that day . As we walked down that pavement we passed the Christmas fairground on George Square . A few different festive songs were competing from a few different rides , the beautiful lights shone above us and as we walked arm in arm we looked upwards and watched the big wheel slowly turn . He jokingly suggested we go on the big wheel , knowing I 'd say " Absolutely not ! " due to my fear of heights and we carried on walking down the street . We had to walk under scaffolding and I remember thinking to myself that the pathway was empty compared to the path across the road which was heaving with last minute Christmas shoppers just like us . As I looked over at the crowds just a few feet from us I saw the Duke of Wellington statue with his ultimate accessory , a traffic cone , balanced upon his head . For those who don 't know , this cone has been removed by the police and the local council many times , but somehow always finds it 's way back onto the Duke . It 's come to represent Glasgow 's dry sense of humour . We take our history and we put our own spin on it . As we walked past I was about to ask my husband if he had seen the news story a few days before where a slightly inebriated Santa had climbed up and joined the Duke upon his horse and was eventually escorted off by the police . There were couples , families , pensioners , just every sort of person you could think of all walking past and probably remembering the same thing and smiling to themselves just like me . We reached the junction at Ingram street and I turned my head to press the stop traffic button , subconsciously taking in the traffic around us … Lots of buses , lots of taxis , some families in cars , a garbage lorry … And we stood for a few seconds waiting for the traffic to stop . As we waited I heard a load smack and turned my head in the direction of it thinking it was a sandwich board had fallen . The sound was immediately followed by screams all around me . It took a second for my brain to comprehend what my eyes were seeing … was the rubbish truck ACTUALLY on the pavement ? Everything suddenly went into slow motion , every sight and sound acute . The high pitched engine noise from the truck in a low gear , but accelerating , the shouts , screams , the other sounds … I can 't describe the fine details , I 'll have to leave it to your imagination . In that split second the cognitive part of my brain asked a dozen questions . . Is it going to stop , is this a dream , is it a terrorist attack , is there any way to stop it . is there any way to warn people . Meanwhile my feet were stuck to the spot , my eyes fixed on the scene unfolding , my arms stretching out in front of me and my mouth screaming with absolute horror and helplessness ! It seemed to go on for minutes , but in reality only seconds . I wished I could move , I wished I could run faster than the truck and push the people out of the way . I wished I could do SOMETHING to stop it , but it kept going on and on . People scattered , the engine noise receded as the truck continued further up the pavement , veering back onto the road and eventually crashing to a halt a few hundred feet away at the only thing which could have stopped it , a building . Amazingly , as a credit to the character of glaswegians , people had already began running from nearby streets , towards the injured , alerted by the cacophony of noise . I have always considered myself calm in a crisis and believed that I would run to help , administer first aid , be useful in some way , but I now know in this level of crisis I would stand rooted to the spot in utter shock , urging my brain to get it together , screaming in shock . . What will I do ? What can I do ? Will the amount of first aid knowledge I know be of any use ? The answer in my mind said said no , the injuries would be beyond my knowledge . I looked at my husband and felt my breath catch in my throat and began to sob . He looked terrified , he began to sob too . I tried to find my phone and couldn 't remember the pass code to unlock it . Focus , for goodness sake , focus , unlocked , 999 , what service do you require " A bin lorry has gone into … " " WHAT SERVICE DO YOU REQUIRE " As it rang and rang I looked around me and kept crying out " That man 's doing cpr himself , there 's a buggy ! Oh my God ! Please hurry ! There 's over 15 people been hit , please do something ! " When I got off the phone my hubby and I stood and hugged and cried . Both our minds thinking the same thing , and hugging even tighter . The shock of seeing the whole accident unfold was bad enough , to all of us who witnessed it , it seemed like a scene from a movie . ( Ironically , the crash scenes for World War Z were filmed right here ) . But the aftermath was just as awful . At the time I felt so helpless and useless , since then I 've read in awe the accounts of people giving first aid , comfort and practical help . There 's seems to be a theme where those of us who witnessed it were so shocked at what we witnessed , whilst those who were nearby and heard the accident were more able to run into the middle of it all and help . This feels like an insensitive thing to say , but true , that those of us who saw exactly what happened would know the chances of survivng a man vs garbage truck were slim to zero , and if there were survivors , it would be difficult to know how to help . Despite this I looked around us to see if there was anyone needing help that we could help with . Across from us was a mother lying next to a baby buggy , we both wept when we saw this , but could see that many people were tending to both the mother and the child in the buggy . We saw a gentleman administering Cpr to someone a little bit further away , further up was someone in the road who was being tended to buy others , and further up we could see more victims , shopping bags strewn , people crying , and still the Christmas music was playing , still the beautiful lights lit up the street … It looked like everyone unjured was being tended to by passers by , a few of us had alerted emergency services so we turned to the street corner we had been waiting at and began redirecting shoppers back into Ingram street . Many had children with them , so we had to whisper what happened so they knew not to take their children round . We watched their faces drop with shock and how they turned to usher their children back the way they came . My hubby had to onto the road to explain what had happened to taxi drivers and other drivers trying to manoeuvre around the street . We kept stopping and hugging , sobbing and shaking our heads . What was this all about , how could this happen in one of the busiest streets on one of the busiest days of the year . I bent over the railings next to us , my stomach was threatening to bring up the lunch we had grabbed earlier . The nausea stayed with me untillater that night . We looked up the street and saw clothing and sheets being laid over the faces of those who didn 't make it . I started a silent prayer in my head and ended up just saying " God help them , God help them ! " After what seemed like an eternity , we began to hear sirens approaching . Community patrol people began stopping the traffic to let them through . The queue of buses emptied , the buses were locked and abandoned where they were . The street filed with paramedic cars , ambulances and police . A policeman began to take control and started ushering people away . " We are closing this area , move along ! " . So we walked a short distance down the street and sat on a step and cried again . We phoned our daughter and told her we are okay , just in case you see news reports about an accident in Glasgow . I phoned my mum and said the same thing through sobs , my mum stayed crying too and said " just come home . " My husband phoned his sister and she told us to find somewhere warm and drink something hot and sweet . She felt awful that she had directed us to that very street a few minutes before . We went to a shopping centre and my hubby got a coffee , I got water . When I went to pay for our stuff a woman became irate with me for not moving out of her way quickly enough . The woman who served me was annoyed that I wanted to pay by debit card and told me to buy crisps to make it up to £ 4 , I put my debit card in the wrong way , I couldn 't remember the pin number , I forgot to take it back out . I sat at our table and stared into space . The centre was full of shoppers , blissfully unaware . I envied them , but felt reassured being somewhere where nobody was crying , screaming , running … My daughter phoned to say she was on her way into town . I think she felt like she needed to be near to us . We visited a few shops , for some reason I felt I needed to do something normal . Something to convince us that Glasgow was safe , normal and happy . Somewhere that people didn 't have a traumatic look in their eyes . The next morning I read a report about it and one small sentence made me cry again . It said the woman had fainted , the mother beside the buggy had fainted . She was okay , her baby was okay and the relief was the first tears of happiness I 'd cried since the accident . The few days following it were very emotional . Just reading a poem about it , or a list of the names , or photographs would set us off . Today I read that the gentleman giving CPR was actually a surgeon who had passed nearby when it happened . It 's like pieces of a jigsaw fitting together making up the bigger picture of what happened . I 'm sure there are a hundred other experiences just like ours and our trauma is very insignificant compared to that of those injured or bereaved . I can 't imagine their pain , I 've prayed for them , what a horrible thing to happen ANY time , never mind 3 days before Christmas . Christmas day was different this year . People on social networking sites urged others to switch off their tree lights on Christmas eve , but ironically our tree lights fused all by themselves , so we have had them off all Christmas anyway . Our own day was all the more poignant because my dad had been admitted to hospital on the same day of the accident after a fall and had gotten home on Christmas eve , albeit a bit bruised and sore . So I 'm planning to meet my husband in Glasgow tonight ( boxing day ) after his work so we can lay some flowers where it all happened and try to process it all and hope that something good somewhere will come from all the pain . 6 people died , 10 were injured . I feels like such a meaningless accident which has taken six very meaningful lives . Believe me , it 's not through laziness that I haven 't blogged since June . Neither was it because I had no news , or " news " we had to hide ( we wish ! ) . But the past 3 months have been hard going in many ways and I didn 't want a big negative blog again . I didn 't want to break the happily ever after story from the last blog . I finished on such a positive note that it was better to leave it at that . So the past few days two things happened to make me decide to blog again . One is that it was my birthday yesterday and it 's awakened me to how fast the days , months , years are passing - so I 've decided on a new plan . I 'm going to create another blog dedicated to 50 things I want to do before I 'm 50 . I turned 43 and I 'm sure most people who hit it feel the same , but just never admit it ! I only feel 33 . I can 't quite find a 43 year old identity to fit into . I 'm just not ready to be " in my 40 's " . I have an aunty born on the very same day as me and she has a 22 month old grandson already . Meanwhile I 'm still trying to become a mum again . It 's just as if I 'm on a train that keeps moving from station to station , not stopping long enough for me to enjoy each destination . I got off about 10 stops back and lingered a bit longer than I should . I can 't even begin to comprehend that I 'll be 50 in 7 years . Even typing that fills me with dread . I am Cat , more than my age , more than a label , more than a stereotype . Goodness sake , get me off this train right now , it 's going far too fast ! Our move to the bungalow in July was supposed to be a fresh start , but it just became a continuation of the drama which has affected our lives for most of the year . Upon moving in we discovered a small patch of mould in our bedroom . Our landlord was AWOL for a month on holiday and by the time he returned and finally began organising other repairs 8 weeks later it was too late - I had developed allergic asthma and a large quantity of our furniture and belongings were affected by the mould so badly that we had to throw them out . Simultaneously , I bought a car for the first time in 4 years . It went like this - bought 2nd hand car from dealership , put car in in independent garage for health check , was told it was unsafe and not even legal . Returned car to dealership , got it back a week later " fixed " , did the health check again , still unsafe , still illegal . Returned car to dealership demanding refund , received big fat NOTHING . Got Consumer Trading Standards involved , they did all they could , still BIG FAT NOTHING . My next step is paying for a court summons . Worse still , under pressure to find somewhere to live which wasn 't making me ill , I found a nearby flat . It went like this , viewed it and liked it , but hubby hadn 't seen it . Told landlord I 'd need to wait til he saw it - landlord said " I have 8 other people interested , whoever gives me a deposit first gets the flat " . Considering the urgency , I put down the deposit on the flat after emailing photos to the hubby and persuading him it was okay . Hubby was due to view flat 2 days later , owner cancelled quoting family emergency . Didn 't get a chance to view until we had the keys - hubby hated it . When I had a better look at it without being under pressure from landlord I noticed many safety , security and quality issues throughout the flat . I immediately contacted the owner , his response was " Tough luck " . I returned the keys to him within hours so he could offer it to the other interested parties . I learned a hard lesson . He flatly refused to refund . Whilst I was frantically looking up tenants rights and landlord legislation , he was finding new excuses every single day not to return the money and finally we received a recorded delivery letter from him stating it was a " holding fee " and that we were not entitled to it back . This from the owner claiming to be a lawyer . The intended effect was to intimidate us and stop us from pursuing him about it . The ACTUAL effect - I laughed . Then I laughed some more . Then I read the letter again and laughed even louder . Then I sent him a text : " Thank you for your recorded delivery letter containing a signed confession that you have broken the Rent ( Scotland ) Act 1984 and the Housing ( Scotland ) Act 1988 . It will be very useful in the legal action I intend to take against you now " . I am 100 % confident that I will be refunded in time , but at the point when it happened it left us without the means to find somewhere else to get out of a property which was making me ill . Anyway , somehow , we found somewhere , moved in , prayed it was the end of our troubles and tried to get on with things . We had to find someone to look after our dog as the place we found was 4th floor and not pet friendly - if anyone feels like judging for that then I challenge them to walk in our shoes - lost a months deposit and becoming more ill every day in our current home . It broke all our hearts to see him go , I cried every day for over a week and still miss him so much . Within days of this I walked into our bathroom to be surrounded by 30 or so wasps . The day after that I suddenly lost one of my jobs . We 've had other issues too - Health issues and other fights whilst still facing our own personal challenges such as Trying to conceive . On THAT subject , we have still not given up and it 's something we still want with every fibre of our being . But we have moved to a stage of not holding our breath - still thinking about it every day , still wishing so much we were joining the ever increasing number of our loved ones becoming parents over and over again . Still praying about it , still trying to find a way , just a little less in your face about it . Before we were married we used to buy a little thing every week to put away in our faith box . A rattle , a bottle , a packet of bibs . . 4 years later we had accumulated a lot of things . We came to a decision , lets give them away . Let someone use them , if it happens for us we can buy it all again and this time it will be without the fear and doubt and heavy hearts that we 've had whilst buying all this stuff . So we 've passed it all on to someone who really needed it . There was no point in storing it away and carrying it on to the next house and the next house . Giving it away is our way of sowing , hoping we reap in the same way sometime soon . Anyway , new flat is lovely . Private estate , own garage , own mailbox , spare room which the hubby has converted into his music room - but which will be available should we be blessed with a small person whilst we are here . My boss has given me a little car to use whilst I 'm sorting out that situation . In amongst the chaos we managed to squeeze in a week travelling around the UK doing childlike , fun things and laughing like a pair of 5 years olds . We built sandcastles , flew a kite , paddled in the sea , held starfish , posed with waxworks , slept in a gypsy carriage , fed giraffes and kangaroos and laughed at a daft monkey perched on a tortoise . So fingers crossed we get the money back for the car and the flat soon and everything else sorts itself out somehow , but at least for this past week or so things have been calm so I 'm tentatively calling it a ceasefire . No more disasters for us now , we are well overdue some good , happy , healthy , fun and light - hearted times , so bring it on baby , we are ready . Bring on November , bring on December , bring on Christmas , new year and whatever exciting things are coming for us all . I 've changed trains and I 'm taking a detour . Woowoo ! ! It had beautiful victorian high ceilings with original plasterwork , a sweeping staircase with the original stripped back banisters . We felt so lucky . The hideous paint jobs didn 't put us off " Potential " became our buzz word and we spent every spare minute redecorating it with the help of our mate Dave . I took on more work to cover the extra cost and the two of us spoke excitedly above how great the spare room and the garden would be for a baby … maybe this is what God was waiting for us to do ? Now we are ready ! When the handles feel off nearly every door , we laughed . It was a bit slap stick after all . When the lock fell off the storm doors , we joked that it better not be an omen of things to come . When we realised the bath taps turned all the way round when you tried to shut them off . . We scratched our heads and wondered what on earth would happen next . We didn 't have to wait long as the wrought iron front gate dropped off its hinge shortly afterwards . Then the gas meter broke , then the gas boiler stopped working . " it 's a very old house " said the owner " you have to accept some idiosyncrasies " . The engineer she sent told us the boiler was a write off , but the owner wanted him to repair it . So we waited 2 months without hot water and heating whilst she spent £ 600 trying to repair it , when she could have bought a new one with a warranty for a wee bit more . After 2 months of this , we took matters into our own hands and applied for a grant for a new boiler . We were successful and a brand new super energy efficient boiler was installed - and you might think that the owner would be delighted that her property had an upgrade - but we didn 't even receive a thank you . Meanwhile , the shower began to leak into the kitchen below , in the end causing the oven to expire and the owner said she was going to have some sort of autopsy on it and planned to give us her used oven from her own house . Three weeks later , without an oven I used every day before ( " What did you use it every day for ? chips ? " - The owner ) we finally received a new oven . I decided I had nothing to lose by politely asking the owner if she would like to put something towards it , seeing as we 'd told her 6 months before that it needed replacing . We really didn 't expect the response . " I don 't think it is written in your lease that you should replace things then complain to me about it " . It was as if every dream we had working away in our minds for the house came to a screeching halt . We were shocked to hear that our efforts to improve the property weren 't appreciated , but resented . It gave us a completely new perspective on the house and we stopped the daydreaming and had a realistic look at the picture of our home . After moving in and spending £ 300 on paint , £ 200 on flooring , installing a £ 1500 boiler and not to mention the time and energy we put into decorating , repairing , cleaning & taming the house and Garden … We realised it was no longer a pleasure . We 'd chosen that house because we wanted to use it to entertain friends and family , to use the music room for practice and hopefully have a baby to use the spare room . The reality was we were working constantly to afford the rent , council tax and heating costs and we 're left with no time to appreciate it . It was a burden and discovering the owners strange attitude added to the burden . We had a long discussion about it and with reluctant and heavy hearts we decided that we needed out . I texted the owner to ask for her email address ~ my thinking was that this was the most reliable way to communicate ~ and it turns out this was her thinking too , and for that reason she refused to give me her email address saying Then , unbeknown to us , during all this time , the magical mystery bath taps were quietly supplying a tiny fountain of eternal youth behind the kitchen wall tiles and a wondrous mushroom harvest was going to spring up in our tiny kitchen the day after we gave our notice too . Both these incidents confirmed to us that we were doing the right thing . We instantly felt relieved , buy also very disappointed that it had turned out this way . So this is my long winded way of telling you that we 've moved house , and why . Most people think we are nuts to have given up such a beautiful home so close to the town centre . In reality , we 'd have been nuts to continue living there . Our new home is about half the size , is on the edge of town and needs a lot of work in the garden . But it 's a lovely quiet street , it 's cosy , the rent is lower , council tax lower and pretty sure the heating bill will be halved . The bus route for the hubs commute is 200 yards away and the daughters workplace is only a 10 minute walk . The pressure is off , the landlord is very down to earth and approachable and we feel able to relax here . One conversation thread on the forum was entitled " The Ultimate Venting Thread ! " and was eventually made into a " sticky " thread ( permanent ) due to the popularity of it . It provided a platform for IF sufferers to release some steam . Sometimes it was outrageously hilarious and full of dark humour , other times it was touching , heartbreaking and poignant . Now and then , pregnant ladies would wander onto the thread out of curiosity and many posted comments in the thread about how bitter , jealous and sad we all were . As you can imagine , that went down well , and the outcome was that a private FB group was created for a handful of the forum members as a safe place to talk , away from any judgemental and ignorant comments . The group began with 12 members Evie , B , Steph , KK , Benny , Jenn , Zina , me , Jax , Grace , Jess & Hina . Every one of us been trying for years to have a baby . I felt so much for these women that I prayed and prayed for them . The trials of medications , treatments , emotions and hormones meant the group eventually fragmented into smaller and smaller groups until we were scattered again , which is so sad . But there is a twist . Amazingly , really amazingly , 10 out of the 12 have had children or are soon to become mothers . Four via IVF , 2 naturally , 1 by surrogate , 2 I 'm not sure which method and one through Clomid ( the fertility drug I 've done 7 cycles of ) . So that just leaves B & I . I am hopeful for B and I 'm still praying . The success rate for our group is nothing short of a miracle and I don 't find it hard to believe that it will be her turn next . Soon I hope ! Yet for my hub and me that hope has run dry . We have tried every single thing within our ability and after 3 years we have nothing left to try . If you 've been reading our blog you 'll know we 've been through every test we can have . We 've fought tooth and nail for help and treatment , even went through the government health minister . We 've prayed , we 've had others pray . We 've given up so much to increase or chances and kept positive despite the hurdles we have faced . We 've bitten or tongue through every ignorant , judgemental or insensitive comment and went through every official channel available . We 've cried , or family has cried , our friends have cried , yet we are no further closer to having a child together than when we started trying over 3 years ago . Without the love & support we have from our loved ones , I think we would have run out of hope a lot sooner . But it has happened now . It 's not something we can fabricate , we are just admitting that there is nothing else WE can do . The bottom line for us is , the only thing standing between us and having a child together now , is money . And it 's that simple . Thanks for reading . 6 . My workload has changed from 4 days on / 3 days off to 6 days on / 1 off . Plus the housework , gardening and recent difficult poop meant no time to blog . If you want to know what you can do to help : 3 . Don 't feel like you need to give a solution or advice ( Eg relax , stop trying , stop stressing ) . After 3 years I can assure you we are experts . 5 . Just be the wonderful people you are all already being . We appreciate our family and friends support so , flipping much that we can 't express it enough . I revisited my own blog today to remind myself of the new year acronym and the new attitude as now and then I get a down day which I need to bolster myself up to get through . Yesterday I had that down day . My hubby is so finely tuned into my mood that he can tell right away that something is getting to me , so last night he did that face to face thing where he told me to get it off my chest . I had to admit that sometimes I think we wont have children together . Sometimes I get very cynical and start feeling that God has closed His ears to any prayers about it , I worry that we don 't have the means to raise the cash soon enough for IVF and that our chance at having even one child together will pass . I worry , also , that the fertility drug which I am on my 7th month of , will do permanent damage to my health as it has affected the amount of migraines badly , which affects my concentration , eyesight , balance and sleep . So I 've decided that I won 't take the Clomid again for the time being , which is a huge decision if you remember the hoops I jumped through to get it in the first place . I actually don 't know what to say to you right now to counterbalance that previous paragraph . A good blog writer would have a springy , bouncy comeback to balance out such a statement . I feel all out of springy - bouncefulness at this moment . So lets just pretend I didn 't actually say that . Unless , of course , you have a direct line to God to ask if / when on our behalf , or unless you have a spare £ 6k on you , Or unless you know the actual reason why it hasn 't happened for a couple like us who both work , live healthy lifestyles , don 't drink , have a stable , loving home , a spacious house and garden and extended family desperate for a grandchild , neice , nephew … . . Or unless you have some actual medical knowledge which will make the difference which doesn ; t include ' relax ' , ' stop tryiing ' , ' stop thinking about it , ' focus on something else ' , ' take a holiday ' ETC . Unless any of the above apply … lets just pretend I didn 't actually say it . The hotel I work for was taken over by new management who asked for a snag list and an improvement list . The outcome is there are many changes planned which will most probably increase my hours . My workmate also told me she needed me to cover her Mondays until June for her college placement . Not only that , but that she is registered with an employment agency for nursery work from June onwards , so she will be leaving as soon as she gets work . Ch - ch - ch - ch - changes ! The husband 's band is growing in it 's popularity , success , maturity , songwriting and performances . They did an amazing gig at the weekend in Clydebank ( Hub 's hometown ) which also makes me proud 🙂 They will be recording an EP in a couple of months and launching it in Glasgow soon afterwards . It 's exciting times ! Other exciting times coming up include our wedding anniversary trip ( Changed from York to Liverpool ) where we will be having a beatle - tastic time . I am so excited about this trip that I want to start packing ALREADY . Also , we have decided to keep a few ex - battery hens in our garden this year . So we have been researching how to look after them , what type of coop they need , their feed , bedding etc . We intend to rescue some ex - battery hens via a charity which re - homes them . We are also planning to grow our own food in containers in our garden . We are both off work this weekend so we are spending some of it maintaining our garden and planning the repairs / improvements we need to begin hen keeping and growing food . These plans are good , they are future wonderfuls , they give us good things to fiocus on . Our current and future wonderfuls might be made more difficult if we had a toddler to consider . Could we plan our anniversary trip as easily , no . Would having a baby here make it more difficult to fulfil the plans for our garden & hens , yes . Would I be able to work as much as I do with a small child to look after , no . We wouldn 't have the lie - ins we have , I wouldn 't have the free time to be creative , to learn piano , to relax , to attend gigs . Maybe there are even parents out there with small children who envy our life at the moment . The grass is always greener . Having been on this side of the fence and as much as I appreciate the freedom we have and as much as I enjoy the spontaneity and variety in my life , I would gladly give up the freedom we now enjoy , to spend evenings in bathing our child , reading it bedtime stories , getting up early with it , night feeds , changing stinky nappies … . . Every tired , smelly , sticky moments would be enjoyed , remembered , appreciated and loved . I 'd gladly swap my clean , tidy and spacious house for a lived in , cluttered , busy and noisy home with a bouncing baby ( or two ) . The future and current wonderfuls are great . I do love life , I am happy and I know I am blessed immensely . I want toI can only hope . Second time typing this . First time was on my phone , took 2 hours and was lost when the app crashed and needed manually removing . A - ha , said I , pre - empted that problem by copying all the text to the clipboard before attempting to upload . Unfortunately , my phone had other ideas and I was faced with an empty clipboard . Pants ! Anyway , I had challenged myself to find at least one wonderful in each day this week and try to share them with you . Don 't worry , I 'm not a raving looney now , I know things aren 't all wonderful . In fact , some days were downright STINKIN ! Like the day I tripped outside my parents ' flat and skint my knee and both hands , tearing a hole in the knee of my jeans … and like the day when I started round 7 of the fertility drug as the previous one failed again . Anyway , here 's my attempt ! Saturday : Today 's wonderful was a moment in my youngest nephew 's 4th birthday . He was having a great wee afternoon and at one point I asked if he 'd like me to count his age . ( It 's something we used to do in the nursery classes , they loved it ! ) . So I tapped his knees and counted " One ! " , tapped his tummy and counted " Two ! " , his shoulders " Three ! " , and his head " Four ! " He looked amazed , and still wanting reassurance asked his Gran " What age am I today , right now ? " . " Four ! " she replied and his face lit up as if the penny had finally dropped . It was as if he had been waiting to turn 4 for so long that he felt like it would never actually happen ! He ran through to his older brother in the next room and shouted " Guess what ? I 'm four right now ! " . He was so happy and it brings a smile to my face every time I remember it Sunday was also a day my friend texted me with her weight loss update . She has done SO well and it really made me happy to hear she was succeeding because I remember how it felt almost a year ago changing my lifestyle and I know the determination it takes . Well done ! Monday : Monday was a bummer , I ended up close to tears towards the end of it , but the wonderful in Monday came in the form of a healing hug . We all know someone who gives proper , close , warm , healing hugs . My hubby gives the best healing hugs in the world . I knew this about him a long time before we became a couple . The good thing is he is a very huggly person , so if you ever need one , just ask , lol . Thank God for those hugs . Tuesday : My wonderful today was my mum , she 's actually a wonderful most days . Great listener , funny , enthusiastic with almost every idea I come up with and makes so many sacrifices for those she loves . If I 'm even 5 % as good a mother as she is , then I 'm doing well . Wednesday : Today my adult daughter had to have 2 tooth extractions in preparation for the braces she is getting next week . Instead of shuffling home and looking for the pity vote as most of us would likely do , she got on a bus and went to her college class 10 miles away . She is strong , brave , determined and independent . She is fluent in sarcasm , but full of kindness to those she loves . I 'm proud to say she 's my daughter , and I felt that pride today , and it was wonderful . Also on Wednesday was my niece 's 8th birthday . She is extremely cute and comes out with THE funniest one - liners you 've ever heard . She is quoted often in our home , always accompanied by a smile . Although we live too far away to see her on her birthday , we were able to follow her day via social networking and texts from her mum . It was great to see her having such a good day . I always tell her I 'm going to steal her one day , and every time I say it she shouts " Yes ! Steal me now ! " ❤ Aren 't they just gorgeous . I love them because 1 . My mum bought me them . 2 . because they are Zebra print , and I am slightly in love with anything zebra print … . and I take random photographs of them … and 3 . I love them because when I got them my legs were too … er … . round to fit them , but after losing 2 . 5 stone last year they fit me perfect now . Every time I put them on ( and it has been often this past week , CRAZY weather everywhere ! ) I remember the success I had last year . Friday : Well , today was valentines day , but we opted not to buy cards and gifts so we could spend the money instead on gig tickets . Unfortunately they sold out within minutes , so there we were on valentines day with not much to show for it … or so it seems . Ye see , I always tell my hubby romance is in the small things we do every day , like paying compliments , sending good texts and even in the lovely cuppas we make each other . How would a card be able to show that kind of love ? Heck , I have a husband who writes songs about me and for me , then plays some of them with his brilliant band in packed pubs and clubs . How insignificant and cheap does a card sound next to that ? I am blessed with a romantic man , and no card or gift on one day of the year can come close to how that feels . Heaven knows I waited long enough for it ! The two posts I 'm referring to are here and here . The first opens with " I find myself often missing my current wonderfuls simply by waiting for my future wonderfuls to happen " . The second states " Don 't put off living " . What do they have in common ? Both are saying " Be happy NOW ! " In addition to this " never being happy " , our blog audience will become as fed up with never achieving the dream as we are … and who wants to read the same old thing every time . Personally … I 'd be hitting the ' unfollow ' button quickish ! Unless you 're going for the pity vote . If you know me at all you 'll know i HATE pity . Meanwhile , Steven works hard through the day as a Comfort Specialist ( ! ) and by night and weekend he lives and breathes his beloved band , The Face on the Moon , who are steadily becoming more and more successful . He writes new songs every month and his band bring them to life ! They are a lovely bunch of guys and destined for success . I couldn 't be more proud of them every time they play . Something happened in the past couple of days . I 'm not really sure what happened , or what caused it for that matter , but I changed . The stress of the holidays left me and I found myself embracing the good and the purpose of the holiday . I let go of the materialistic side of it all and embraced the spirit of the season . Tonight , while taking a break from my crafting , I was browsing through Facebook when I saw post after post of people complaining . I know , Facebook is the complaining Capitol of the internet , but something caught my attention . A " well meaning " person complained about the fact that people need to stop complaining about the petty things and just be happy to have your family and health . While she meant well and wanted people to remember the holidays and enjoy them , she fell short on the delivery . I commented to remind … |
Alleghany County , North Carolina / Whitehead / Air Bellows / Blue Ridge Mountains / mountain music / and so on . An open journal of one person in one place in one time . Google + Followers Much of the day I listened to the music from the VW Boys videos made Friday . Last night I watched the dvd made of all the still pictures and all the videos , plus some Skeeter & the Skidmarks filling in the last half hour of a 2 hour disk . On disk , I don 't have to keep it in the computer for archive . Sat with Caterpillar on my lap watching the concert again . It 's a concert video . It had a good musical spirit about it . I noticed after awhile that the visual seems to have a feel for the music , flows with the music . I like to keep the camera in more or less motion moving from musician to musician , paying most attention to hands and fingers , seeing what they 're doing . Looking through these VW Boys videos that were all dynamite music , I was seeing how especially in the 2nd half of the show , the camera was like it was taking its own motion flowing with the music . I doubt it could be seen by anyone but me , seeing visually what I was feeling inside , free flow with the music , taken up by it and going with it . My videos don 't have really good sound , though it is plenty adequate considering it 's a hand - held point - and - shoot $ 150 camera , fujifilm finepix S1500 . 10 . 0 megapixels . I love about this camera that it is easy to operate , easy to learn . I 'm not asking any more of it than it can deliver , because it delivers so much I don 't need anything it can 't do . When it focuses automatically during the videos , a sound of turning gears inside the camera is picked up by the internal mic . A little distracting sometimes . The camera 's ears amount to two tiny holes the diameter of a paper clip wire . They pick up the sound very well . It has a shrill quality when played a little bit loud , but that matters so little considering what I 'm doing - - recording a concert with one little box easily held in one hand . Digital , so I don 't have to have prints made unless I want prints of particular images . I waited all my life for digital cameras and didn 't know it . It 's been a good day with VW Boys music in my head all day , hearing songs several times apiece , admiring every one . I put on a Bob Dylan album I 'd never heard before , Oh Mercy . Have had it for several years , never even took the cellophane off the case . It was the album he wrote about making in his autobiographical book , Chronicles . This cd I 've held with the notion that when I was ready , I 'd go pick it up . That 's what I did . The VW Boys playing Wagon Wheel , listening to it 3 times today urged me to play it . Wow . I think I waited for the right moment . Before , I 'd have put it on with expectations . This evening I just put it on to hear what Dylan had to say in that recording studio in New Orleans . It is great Dylan , like everything he 's recorded . He 's like Ralph Stanley in that way , never recorded a song short of definitive . It 's quite a beautiful album , Oh Mercy . The music has a Lucinda Williams quality in it . It makes me want to play Dylan the next several days , hear his most recent ones again , the ones I think I like best of all the Dylan I 've heard from the beginning . He has matured along the way as an artist who started out better than anybody else and went from there over the next half century to the place where American poets embrace him as a poet , of their own will . I 've an idea he 's the most powerful influence on all the poets his age and younger . Watched the race in Phoenix today with my friend Justin on a big wide - screen tv with big sound . I like a good race and today 's was a good one . By good one , I mean it was a race . Jeff Gordon took command and never let go . Kyle Busch passed him close to the end and Gordon put the pedal to the metal and Kyle didn 't keep his lead but a few laps . Gordon muscled his way by him and left him behind . The race had several caution flags from the changing nature of the track . I heard it explained the track is in the desert and the desert changes temperatures through the day , so the track changes temperatures too . Some temperatures are better at holding smooth tires at 150 mph than others . Each change in temperature required its own particular approach by the driver . Used to taking a curve one way for a hundred laps and then by surprise it 's like black ice . A lot of banged fenders , minor crashes and spinouts on the lawn . No major wrecks . It seemed like only half the cars that started the race finished . At the end , Jeff Gordon was smoking his tires for the fans , spinning on the track , lost control and the car lurched off the track onto the grass and caught on fire . He missed Victory Lane . A fizzled testosterone rush . Like the joke , What were the redneck 's last words ? Watch this . It feels like I have one ongoing theme these days , how to live in this world standing upright on my own feet . The time we 're in doesn 't appeal to me the least bit . Perpetual war to keep the war machine greased that keeps the economy flowing . The rich are bleeding the poor , vampirizing the working class and the management class . In America , the poor go to prison for being homeless , having no place to use a toilet , they go outside , get arrested for indecent exposure , put in prison without trial and left there to take the abuse of the inmate population . Don 't let them out , because they have no place to go . The best part is nobody cares . This is America . Poverty is the same as illegal . Anybody who is poor deserves it . They 're worthless people to start withIt seems like all that I dislike about this world is happening someplace else . Of course , I came to the mountains 35 years ago initially to get away from the track I saw everyone around me taking . Basically , I don 't like living in a world where money is the only value and the rich robbing the poor is ethical . But here at home , it 's not like that . There are small pockets of people who would do anybody in for a dollar , but in a small community we know who these people are and stay away from them . I never see them , so they don 't exist for me . When I bring my mind down out of the airwaves about dictators , criminals called politicians , the nightmare of soccer moms - - sex offenders , baptists focusing their attention on who 's going to bed with whom , I like my life so much better among friends talking about whatever comes up . Every time a politician is caught in a lie , the false indignation that rises from the smug media acting like this is brand new , from out of the blue that a responsible public servant would serve self first , I never know what to think or say . What is it that is such a mystery about the obvious ? All that mess is in the mind . In my everyday life at home and among friends , I have nothing but good times . When I pay attention to the people around me , I find subjects far more interesting than any on the news . A friend who is pregnant tells me she 's nauseated much of the time and tired all the time , and other symptoms she 's going through . I 'd rather hear that than listen to a president talk in gobbledygook signifying nothing . What do I want for myself ? I want people around who are not on the take . Dividing people up as givers or takers , I like best the company of givers . Givers give in the smallest of ways all the time and takers take in the smallest of ways , too , all the time . Givers are happier people . Takers feel like other people owe them what they want . I 'd rather spend my time among people who are generous with each other , ready to help when needed , supportive . That word supportive is very important to me . I believe in supporting my friends , lifting them up when they 're feeling down . The feelings among friends is much better to live with than the mental state of worry over the day 's price of a barrel of oil . I think it 's called thinking small . bullhead Magnificent mountain . It is the mountain you see at the far end of town driving through Sparta on 21 going from Twin Oaks toward Cherry Lane . It is the landmark of SE Alleghany County . Many years ago with Don Smith I walked deer trails along Bullhead 's ridge from the Parkway on out to the second peak . It was a great deal longer walk than we 'd anticipated . First and only real problem was we didn 't think to take water . On our other walks we always came up on springs and creeks . No springs along the ridge of the mountain . There was a period of time when it got to us pretty bad , but we chose to walk on . It 's a long ways there and it 's a long ways back . Either way , we 're thirsty all the way . We chose to get used to it and we did . Remembering the walk , the thirst isn 't even involved in the memory except remembering it for itself . Walking Bullhead 's deer trails was a kind of happiness in itself . The trees on top of the peak that rises above Hwy 21 are broken and twisted by the wind current through there . Big tree trunks with shattered edges . Not a lot , just a few . All the trees lean with the wind , so it looks like the wind is blowing up there when it 's not , like the flag on the moon . Several generations back a man named Woodruff owned Bullhead Mountain . The story I got from his granddaughter was that he found the skulls of 2 bulls with long horns locked together where they 'd died . They had long horns in that time . Everything was very different from how it is now . Better or worse is not the issue , too relative . Also , a Lakota Indian working with the US Army named Bullhead was sent with another Indian Red Tomahawk to arrest Sitting Bull from the cabin his family was staying in outside the fort . They meant to take him in and kill him like they did Crazy Horse , a bayonet in the back , but one of the Indians in the settlement shot Bullhead , who pulled the trigger in reaction on his gun pointed at Sitting Bull 's heart . Red Tomahawk shot Sitting Bull in the back of the head simultaneously . A few days before , a meadowlaTJ Worthington The crowd at the Front Porch tonight got their ears full of the VW Boys from Bristol TN / VA . They played some straight ahead bluegrass that they 're quite able to do , told some crazy jokes and performed a few magic tricks , slights of hand that were so awesome you couldn 't even start to think about how it was done , just accept it and go on . For one thing , guitar player Dave Vaught took a $ 20 out of a man 's billfold from the audience . This was definitely not set up . He asked a woman in the audience to verify that it 's indeed a $ 20 . He showed both sides to the audience . With his sleeves pushed up and his hands just a few feet from the eyes of a woman in the audience who had verified it , he folded the 20 until it wouldn 't fold any more , unfolded it and it was a $ 1 . Showed both sides , let her examine it . He took the $ 1 and folded it until it wouldn 't fold any more , unfolded it and there was the 20 . He only does really good tricks like that , the kind that bumfuzzle you 're head . The band 's bass player Larry McPeak evidently is no more with the band , meaning his illness has advanced . I didn 't ask about him , because I was afraid of what I 'd hear . Larry is a good man and an equally good musician . Fat Albert has taken over the bass , using his upright doghouse bass . Albert plays with his other band Fescue out of Marion , Virginia . They 're a well respected bluegrass band that plays mountain bluegrass the way it 's meant to be played . Albert is a good singer and a good comedian . All three of them are comedians . They fill in the gap of bluegrass bands without a comedian with everybody in the VW Boys a comedian . Each has his own style of humor , so they keep us entertained in the original bluegrass way with most often the bass player the clown . VW Boys have humor covered in abundance . It 's the same with the music . These fellers play music . It 's not just something that 's trying to sound like music , it 's the music itself they take hold of from the start . It 's the only way they play . I could take up this entire space with a list of their accomplishments musically , the albums they 've recorded on and so forth , but it 's just too much . Perhaps most notable , Tim White the banjo picker made the song 5 Pounds of Possum in my headlights tonight . It was one of those comic country hit songs like The Day The Squirrel Went Berzerk . I don 't know anybody that didn 't love that crazy 5 Pounds of Possum . This old boy Foyst Blackburn and his wife did a crazy act to it at the Hillbilly Show year after year . She would be dressed in pink long - johns with her hair up in big curlers , wacky bedroom slippers on her feet , pedaling a stationary exercise bicycle with a flashlight taped to the handlebars and a Harpo Marx type horn on one handlebar . Foyst floated around in his bib overhauls and straw hat flat - footin the old - time way , feet barely leaving the floor , while he held a stuffed toy possum on a leash . It was Dada theater in Sparta . 500 miles Off - Off Broadway . One of the hottest songs they played was the old country song about the Hot Rod Lincoln . They do the music right and Fat Albert sings it right . He complained afterward of forgetting some of the words , but that didn 't matter at all . It was the spirit of the song , the music , the story , the way he sang it . From the early 50s before rock & roll they played RAGGMOPP . That was a big hit in its pop moment . The time of Grandma 's Lye Soap and Smoke , smoke , smoke that cigarette . Somebody would be put in prison for singing that song now . They did Raggmopp right , too . They caught the spirit of the song . That 's what it is about the VW Boys , they actually do catch the spirit of a song . The Everly Brothers song Dreamin , I 'm dreamin my life away , from the mid Fifties . It wasn 't like they were covering an oldie . It was like it was their song and I remembered the words from the Everly Brothers singing it . To my ear , the VW Boys left the Everly Brothers version in the dirt , and that 's not throwing off on the Everly Brothers , whose singing of it is indelibly imprinted in my gray matter for life , like a lot of songs in that time . Mr Sandman that Katy Taylor made her own with Alternate Roots comes to mind as a brilliant singing of another song from that time . These three musicians , Tim White , Fat Albert Blackburn , Dave Vaught , keep the crowd entertained with good singing , good story telling , good humor , magic tricks that are beyond clever , and the foundation for all this is some pickin by fellers that make music first , and in the making of the music is some musicianship that catches your attention because it becomes somewhat amazing every once in awhile , and all the time the closer attention you pay . Dave Vaught can light up an acoustic guitar . His fingers dance all over the fretboard , and he 's one to get some sound out of an acoustic . Fat Albert 's fingers can work the bass strings too . His size gives him a commanding presence , and doubly with the size of the bass . He has a stage persona that is charismatic in his talking as well as his singing . He 's a singer who uses his own voice instead of a made up voice , a mountain singer in that way , and he doesn 't mind belting it out there when he needs to . All three are good singers . Tim White too . Tim is quite a capable bluegrass banjo picker , who can tear the roof off the place when he lets go , though he 's not a picker to hold himself out in front of the others , restrained in that way . In the time of the radio show , I played the VW Boys from time to time . When the their chicken pickin album was fairly new , I intoduced the show saying it would be all chicken songs . That , I 'm sure , threw everyone who knows old - time music , considering there are 3 old - time fiddle tunes about chickens and then there 's the comedy Rooster song , another rooster song by Whitetop Mountain Band , and that 's about it . I played the fiddle tunes , then from the VW Boys album their version of a Chic Filet advertising jingle . Several times in following days someone who heard the show told me how that cracked them up , a chic filet jingle among old - time fiddle tunes and then all the crazy VW Boy chicken songs throughout the album . It made a fun hour . I was well enough acquainted with their music by tonight to know in advance this would be a night of real deal bluegrass pickin . That 's what it turned out to be . the flowFoggy , wet day . Steady drizzle all day . Caterpillar asks me to open the door , then stands in the open doorway looking out at the rain . After a few minutes , she turns around , seen enough , restless , wishing she could go out and look around , stand in the breeze , listen to the sounds of other critters , but it 's wet and rain melts cats . In today 's mail a box from amazon . com addressed to me with a cd by Ola Bell Reed in it , a new one from Smithsonian , Rising Sun Melodies . I had not ordered it . The invoice said it had been paid for by Amex , which I don 't use . All I can think is that Old Time Herald had it sent to me to review it . I hope so . I 'll enjoy writing about Ola Belle Reed . Always had enthusiastic response playing her on the radio show . A couple times I played an hour of Ola Belle Reed . Her banjo pickin and her singing sound so plain and simple , it 's like anybody could do it . But she 's the only one that 's found the way . It was wide - open conversation full - tilt at Selma 's later . Todd the holistic chiropractor was there when I went in the door . Conversation started with him and Selma , and Beth O walked in later and took the conversation to a new place , explaining Sun bursts and what happens when they hit earth regarding electrical things like satellites , computers , and so on . Primarily our conversation circled around the year 2012 of the Mayan calendar , what the end of a cycle means and what the beginning of a new cycle means . My contribution was the day after Dec 31 is Jan 1 . Often the two days are just alike . Several times seeing Jr on New Years day he would remark that Jan 1 was just like the day before . Beth was a fascinating documentary story teller . We all listened to her with alert ears , hearing every word she spoke . I can 't repeat any of them , because my memory doesn 't retain much , but I recall following her with complete interest , telling how the planets are lining up in a straight line with the black hole at the center of our Milky Way Galaxy , the big cycle and all the smaller cycles that operate wiPosted by chevroletLibyians . Another case of the news as geography lesson . First the mystery of a popular uprising in Egypt , a peaceful protest that worked . Next , by the same degree of surprise , Libyans are wanting to do the same thing . It seems predictable that Khadafy would use guns . I say seems , because I mean it 's perfectly predictable that he would , but must leave room for the unforeseeable . Like this uprising in Libya came out of the unforeseeable . Or appears to . They 're talking today like he needs assassinating . I look at pictures of burned out buildings in Tripoli , empty streets , the colors , North African tropical , and find it curious I 'd never thought of Tripoli as anything but a dot on a map . Never wondered what kind of people lived there . Being a port on the Mediterranean , I 'd guess it 's a fairly international city , good vacation place for Europeans . From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli . . . the United States Marines . I 've an idea if Khadafy wanted to start up a civil war , he could do it . It 's a bit difficult seeing in my mind an African dictator fold just because western press thinks it 's mean of him to have 300 + dead . " Outrageous , " spake Obama . American military doesn 't invest in Africa . They tried it in Somalia and ran like rabbits . Rwanda , Ethiopia , Chad , Lybia ? USA policy has so far been to stay out of Africa . Now that the Somali pirates are publicly killing white missionaries , they 're getting American military attention , but with caution . Africa for outsiders is quicksand . The continent is going through great internal upheavals that came from the period of European exploitation of the continent 's mineral wealth , laying national boundaries without regard for traditional boundaries , setting , in effect , everybody on the continent against everybody else . It 's an evolution that cannot be stopped until it runs its course . Though , from the nature of the Egyptian , Tunisian and now Lybian popular rebellions , the extreme violence of African revolts appears to have calmed down . We 're also in the Arab norPosted by you shake my nerves and you rattle my brain - - jerry leePresidents Day , this month 's Monday of no mail , no banks , no library , no state jobs . But almost everything else is open . People I 've talked with who work at the PO say they would rather not have those " free " Mondays , because Tuesday morning they have twice as much mail to process . One day 's mail takes a great deal of time . Two days ' mail takes twice as much time . It 's a bother for all the rest of us too . Need to take something to the post office . Not today . Waiting for a check that 's supposed to arrive Monday . Not today . No netflix movie . Invariably , it 's the day I need to go to the bank . This morning I went to the phone office , neither state nor federal . Closed today . Closed tomorrow . Right away this morning I had to shift my attitude from expecting to get a thing or two done to getting nothing done . I went to Selma 's and ordered some Kenyan coffee . No more thinking about getting anything done today . Dudley was there . Joe was there . A young woman I don 't recall seeing more than once in passing , with a 2 yr old little girl . All were engaged in conversation . Evidently they 'd been discussing an issue and I was in time to provide the punch line . I was asked by Selma to settle the question . They 'd go by whatever was my answer . The question was , Why do old men like young girls ? I began to question the benefit of the doubt I 'd given them regarding their IQs . I looked around at all of them , and they all appeared to be seriously entertaining this question . They were waiting for me to give them the answer . I had a hard time believing it . Even began to wonder if it was some kind of pre - arranged trick they wanted to pull on me when I walked in . They wanted an answer , so I said , " Pussy . " They exploded in disbelief that I 'd said that word . It was like on the PeeWee Herman show saying the magic word . Dudley said , " In front of the little girl ! " I 'm thinking , What 's going on here ? Mother of little girl gives me a disapproving look like I 'd just said nigger . Lord have mercy . ThePosted by blurry half moonI 've been enjoying the unpredictable turn the news took when the people of Cairo gathered to boot out the American puppet Mubarak . Then there was Bahrain , which I had to look up in the Atlas . I 've heard the name in relation to Arab news for several years , but never had seen it on a map . I set out on a search and found it 's an island just off the coast of Saudi Arabia , connected to land by a bridge , in the Persian Gulf . It looks like it 's about the size of the island at the southern tip of Malaysia that is the city Singapore . Bahrain sitting in the Persian Gulf rings the alarm , OIL , and the other American alarm , MONEY . If there 's trouble for us to get into in Bahrain , we 'll find it . The king had a few people killed for being brazen enough to speak out about replacing him , another American puppet . The best is Khadafy of Libya . Bringing down the American puppet by mass protest in Egypt caught on in Libya next door . Remember 30 years ago when Reagan sent some jets across the ocean in the secret of night to invade Libyan air space and bomb Khadafy 's house with intent to assassinate him ? They missed and bombed the French Embassy instead , killing a Chinese diplomat and one of Khadafy 's children . Major diplomatic blunder , but no problem . It was the Gypper behind it , and the Gypper was on our side , unless you 're in the middle class or the working class . Anyway , it helped Khadafy to see his vulnerability with a rogue government ruling the world that paid no mind to Geneva conventions , international law or anything unAmerican like the ACLU . Khadafy calmed down , took his bonus under the table and turned into a real nice guy where American power was concerned . Now he 's on the line with the Libyan people for being an American puppet . I think I heard something like 50 or more dead in the Libyan protests . He 's a true African dictator . He 'll kill everybody in the country before he 'll relent . What surprises these are , people of the Arab world suddenly standing up to their dictators to get shot , beat up and thrown iTJ Worthington The temperature has touched and almost touched 60 all week . Refreshing to go to the mailbox without having to put on shoes with grips on the bottoms and a coat and hat . How long has it been since I went out the door to go to the mailbox without acting like WC Fields at the North Pole ? Open the door . Somebody throws a bucket of Ivory Snow soap flakes in my face and I say , " Ain 't fit fer man ner beast . " From that time , the 1920s , the red hot mama herself , the female Al Jolson came to mind today in Selma 's from seeing her on the Ed Sullivan Show in the early 1950s when she was a grandmotherly old woman , Sophie Tucker . What a stitch . At the bar in Selma 's , talking with Tim , another one of the regulars in there almost daily , Sophie Tucker came to mind talking about WC Fields just after some kids had left , telling him about a little girl telling Fields in a movie she had 20 dollars in her bank and he tried to take it away from her . Sophie came to mind and I even remembered her name . It was there on the shelf with a picture of her standing in the curve of the grand piano on the Ed Sullivan show , an old woman in glitzy evening gown singing some saucy song only a younger woman should be singing , doing it just right . I said in awe , " I haven 't thought of Sophie Tucker in fifty years . " He said , " TJ , my parents aren 't fifty years old . " These are the kinds f laughs we have at Selma 's , whoever it is , whatever we 're talking about . Lots of generation gaps between a 1960 hs grad and a 2011 hs grad . When you get down to you either make the grade or you don 't , it 's the same . But looking at the pop music from Brenda Lee to Lady Gaga and everything between , I have no idea where the young kids in pop culture are coming from . It 's too big a world to try to learn at this time of my life when it 's an exercise of mind to try to remember anything . Learning is about remembering , so it 's useless to even make the attempt . Sometimes I 'll look at a high school guy with earrings , dead eyes , hair dyed black sticking out in several directions , tattooPosted by accidental photographHave been talking , thinking , looking at in depth and detail ethical behavior with my friend from Hong Kong , Mary Lee . She found a dictionary definition saying ethics is human duty . Ethics is one of those words that doesn 't have a handle . It takes two hands to carry it and if it 's hot , you 'll need pads . That word duty struck me right away what it is . Ethical ( conscious ) behavior doesn 't seem to come to us genetically . It 's learned behavior to help us get along in the herd without a great deal of negative feedback . At the same time , the notion of duty doesn 't carry it for me . When a motivation has at it 's root self - interest , then is it duty ? Duty comes from outside ourselves . Seems to me ethics come from inside ourselves . Yes , we learn them from outside , but we fine tune them within ourselves , or so I 'm seeing it now . I say the motivation for ethical behavior , behavior that is respectful , is driven by self - interest , because ethical behavior keeps our emotional waters calm . No guilt or fears as a result . According to the universal law , you get what you give , when we give respectful behavior , we receive respectful behavior and it keeps the emotional waters mirror smooth so you see the clouds mirrored on the silver water traversed by occasional flying fish . It is self - interest to follow the words of Jesus , love your neighbor as yourself . It makes your life a whole lot more peaceful than perpetual war with that asshole next door who persists in cutting the grass one foot over the property line . Hail far , let him do it . That 's a foot of grass I don 't have to mow . Thank you , man . Let me put some gas in your mower . Appears to me that right there is the foundation of ethics , self - interest , wanting the emotional waters peaceful all around me . I live in a world of people , whether in the city or the country . The people around me are more my world than the topography . Ethical behavior creates healthy relationships with the people in one 's world , making for oneself a good life . If you prefer the biggest housePosted by Over the last couple weeks I 've been idly looking at war films made in the field during WW2 and Vietnam . The WW2 footage is the tv shows in the 50s , Victory At Sea ( Navy ) and The Big Picture ( Army ) and You Are There , narrated by Walter Cronkite . Victory At Sea was my favorite . Saturday tv viewing in the time of b & w tv . Every time I see an episode or 2 now , seldom watch more than 2 in a row , I remember the time in childhood , 11 and 12 , how seeing the war my daddy went through made me afraid there would be a war for me . Looking at American history , going to war has been a rite of passage . Discipline . The Army was the key to a young guy learning discipline . Discipline at home had nothing rational to it , becoming thus an anti - discipline . Mine was not the only home like that . Boys in America tend to be raised without guidance for being a responsible grown up man . Perhaps it is the ongoing war pattern that left discipline to the military the way parents leave teaching to the schools and reverence for God to church . All through my teens I was afraid of having to be in a war , though by good fortune slipped in and out between Korea and Vietnam . There was no way I could know that in advance . By then I knew USA was about a war for every generation and I was next . Looking back from my late 60s , seeing these anti - war films at ages 11 and 12 made me all the more afraid of going to war . I knew by then I have no such thing as " good luck . " I never won anything . If there were a hundred chances on something and I had 99 , the o1 would get it . It taught me at an early age never to gamble . War was a gamble for your life . Everyone goes into it knowing the chance of survival or not being made a cripple for life is uncertain . It was the kind of odds I did not see worth betting on . But the draft gave me no choice . Like Bruce Springsteen , I was born in the USA . By no will of my own , I was an American boy and war is what you go through when you 're American . Now that generals are no longer presidential material , the presidents turn out to be mPosted by Barbara Ehrenreich has been a columnist for several years , used to have the back page of Newsweek magazine , may still have it for all I know . I haven 't touched a Newsweek in so many years I don 't remember last time . This is her 12th book . She writes so well with such clarity I read her with admiration . I started to say we think alike , but she has 3 degrees , and I have one . So we don 't think alike . But when I 'm reading her , she 's telling my thoughts of many years . This little book is plain radical , radical meaning truth - seeking and truth - revealing . The dictionary has several meanings for it , but this definition fits . Extreme is the dictionary 's meaning closest to addressing the truth of a matter . In the land of denial , facing an issue straight - on is indeed radical , or extreme . The truth she uncovers is one the working class knows very well , but the working class has no voice , no influence , no power . I 've known this almost since the day I was born , growing up the child of a factory laborer among working class relatives and neighbors . I see it from the time my Uncle Chuck worked the boiler room at a Palmolive factory in Kansas City . He was able to have half an acre of land , a good house , 2 good cars , a wife who didn 't work , a kid , a woodworking shop separate from the house , a lawnmower , a dog . That was in the 1950s . Sounds Utopian now . But it 's the past . In 1998 , Barbara Ehrenreich , New York intellectual , very well off , took a year off from her life and went looking for an unskilled labor job . She started in Florida , went from there to Portland , Maine , then to Minneapolis . She worked as a waitress , a nursing home aide , a cleaning woman , a Wal - Mart " associate , " and lived in cheap motel rooms , the next thing to homelessness on the way down , and the first step on the way to semi - permanent shelter . She learned in a very short time how you make a living in Alleghany County , NC . Do whatever you can find at whatever pay you can get , $ 6 or $ 7 an hour . To make $ 10 an hour is like you 're in high cotton . She learned what we ofTJ Worthington caterpillar This winter I 've tested what might be called home remedies found on these lists of wonderful tips that come Fw : in emails from friends . One told about putting vinegar on the car windshield to keep ice from sticking to the glass . The ice froze to the glass like never before , like it had bonded with the glass . Also wiped vinegar in the inside of the windshield , which created the first time I 've ever had to scrape ice off the inside of the windshield . Scrapers are made for the convex curve of the windshield , not the inside concave curve . Another I 've tested this year , keeping an onion in every room to keep colds and flu away . This morning I woke with a running nose telling me a cold is beginning . First thought upon realizing I was getting a cold : the onions didn 't work . If this were a corporate remedy , I 'd be told I didn 't do it right . Whatever the case , neither of these remedies worked , which was my initial suspicion when I saw the emails , but wrote the suspicion off as my jaundiced view of the world . Give it a chance , I thought . Didn 't hurt anything , except I had about the worst ice ever to scrape off the glass , and now I have a cold . Still have some tylenol cold pills from last cold several years ago . I have tested these hypotheses ( presented as facts ) empirically by scientific method to see if I could reproduce the results projected . Did not . Advice to perform these remedies gave no results of controlled studies , nothing to go by to attempt reproduction of similar outcomes . In the past , I 've tried the spraycan remedy at the auto parts store of windshield de - icer . It made more ice . After quite a lot of winters , my empirical finding is that a plastic scraper works like nothing else . It 's a handy little item that can be found for next to nothing at parts stores . I keep my scraper in what I think of as the tool box space for such things in the car 's front door with 2 kinds of screwdrivers , an adjustable wrench and needle nose pliers . I 've also found the windshield cleaning fluid that comes in a gallon jug TJ Worthington the mountain with a punk haircutThe weather forecast for this coming week is in the 50s every day . It already feels good to think of temperatures in the near future that rise above freezing . Three months below freezing by day and even more freezing by night . One thing to be said for this relentless winter is it put some water back into the water table that needs it so desperately . Yesterday I stopped to see my friend Mildred Torney , who is 92 and doesn 't get out of the house much . She was the librarian when I arrived in the county in 1976 . My first trip to Sparta was to the gas station , then the library . Mildred Torney was there and we had quite a long conversation . She knew Tom Pruitt I was working with and the land I was working on . She told me some of her family history and growing up in Piney Creek where she went all the way through high school . Since that day she 's been one of my favorite people . Her husband eventually turned ill and she had to leave the library to take care of him . She has worked at Hardees , in the chamber of commerce office , and other low paying jobs to keep herself going and with something to do . She didn 't see taking a job at Hardees scraping bottom . She saw it a chance to see people she knows and people she doesn 't know all day long . Now she takes on projects like several big plastic bags of single socks for the thrift store . She goes through them finding their mates . She loves it . It 's something to do . Mildred can 't sit around idle with nothing to do . For the last year and few months I 've been wanting to volunteer with Hospice to visit with people a few hours a week to give their caregivers a chance to go to grocery store or anything . I believed that a worthwhile way to give back to Hospice for all the help they gave me while taking care of Jr , who lived less than a half mile from Mildred in Whitehead . I got my first assignment and when the time came to do something , I couldn 't take the first step . It troubled me for a week until I got with the grief counselor and she told me this happenPosted by forest of the nightI hear on the news these days Egypt , Cairo , demands , internet revolution , Mubarak , demands . They 've had more than enough of the American puppet , 30 + years . Obama says some meaningless sentences with the word democracy sprinkled in to sound like it has something to do with something . Couldn 't be much . Democracy put their autocratic top dog in place to be sure to keep the Suez Canal open for oil tankers on their way through the Mediterranean to the Atlantic . It saves the expense of the trip around the Cape at the southern tip of Africa . Again , oil is more the interest than democracy . Won 't it be awful when Mubarak steps down and " the people " have their way , somebody who represents them . That won 't last long . He 'll have to be assassinated by a fringe terrorist group nobody has heard of and replaced by an American implant . I don 't mean this is from foreknowledge , it 's just one of many possible fantasies . In movies made the last ten or so years I see a theme that comes forward in widely disparate genres of film , that nothing is as it appears to be . Heard in today 's movie , Shooter , with Mark Walberg , " When you 've got it figured out , you 're wrong . " This was advice he went to a man he called wise to hear him say . Good film , made by the same director who made Replacement Killers , Antoine Fuqua , American . Throughout the film , we learn that more and more is not as it seems , until nothing is as it seems . Surprises come from every direction . It gives the impression that everything is falling apart , because nothing is as it appears . I 'm inclined to see it one more step in collective consciousness toward understanding the nature of illusion we call real . Movies I see as the dreams of collective society . It tells me we 're embracing the notion that nothing is as it seems , or maybe another way of looking at it , all is illusion . We 're seeing illusion now in our collective dream . Not long ago I found a 2dvd set for $ 5 of the early 1950s tv show Victory At Sea , one of my favorite things on tv when I was 10 , 11 and 12 . Victory At Sea was video footage of the Navy on the stormy sea of war . I liked both of them , You Are There of the Army , but preferred Victory At Sea , because I loved looking at the ocean . I watch an episode or two at a time , times when there was no movie in the mail that day , or time I just want to sit and watch something that 's not very long . Every one of them takes me back to childhood in that time . This is where I developed my anti - war attitude toward life . I think they were on every day during the summer , or maybe every Saturday , and I saw probably all of them several times . Watching submarines blow up ships , the glorification goes to the submarine and the enemy is a cloud of smoke . They leave out the several hundred young guys that were just like the guys shooting the torpedo , just the other side of the us and them divide , though not always . I see dead guys on the beach , dead guys floating in the surf , guys getting shot , especially the ones doing the shooting . These were made in 1952 , so the sanitizing of war footage for public viewing had not yet begun . Seeing them now , a bit more consciously than seeing them at age 11 , I see what I saw then and have forgotten completely , except for the vastness of what I see over and over , European and Asian cities looking like Richmond after the Civil War . Dead people everywhere , desolate people everywhere , the horrors of war captured live on film , edited into half hour documentaries with music composed by Richard Rodgers . They were serious productions . They were the writing of history by the victors and taken very seriously as not only the big war we won , but the ugliness of war in your face to make an impression , to say enough of this . Seeing them now , I see anti - war films in the earliest years of the Military - Industrial - Congressional - Complex , just before the message became perpetual war to keep the economy going . Therefore , only thePosted by baja rockYesterday I brought Jr 's birdfeeder home . I asked Harry , who is living in Jr 's house , if he 's using the birdfeeder that stood on a post outside the big window by the dining table . He said he 'd taken it up and it was lying on the ground next to the house so he wouldn 't have to mow around it . He said , Sure , go get it . He also had a bag of bird seed he 'd never opened , which he sent along with the birdfeeder . To my eye , it looks like something ancient Japanese , simple lines , wooden little house so old it has lichen growing on the roof . The seed goes in a space between two clear plexiglas panels that show how much seed is in the reservoir . It has a squirrel guard under it too . I tried to put it far enough from trees and rhododendron to inhibit a squirrel , though I doubt it will . It doesn 't matter . It keeps the ground around it covered with seed and birds pecking around in last year 's fallen leaves . I put it about 4 feet from Tapo 's headstone so she can dream birds . Caterpillar doesn 't go outside much and doesn 't hunt birds at all anymore . With only one indoor cat , it 's ok to lure birds back . In the mail today was a copy of Barbara Ehrenreich 's 2001 book , Nickel and Dimed : On ( not ) getting by in America . I 'd read about it when it was new and made a mental note I wanted to read it some day . Found it at amazon for very little and started it today . Can 't stop . I 've been looking for a book I can 't stop reading . I need that kind of book to jump start my reading . I 've been putting my focus on computer and movies and the stack of books I want to read grows taller . But not one of them pulls me into it , which I need now to get back on reading track . I find that computer thinking / watching movies thinking makes reading such a slow thing to do that when I pick up a book , it feels like walking through mud , it 's so slow . Slow is where I want my mind to be . Sitting still reading feels like doing nothing , while the computer and movies , tv and radio too , give a feeling of involvement . Though when I get caught up in the fast mPosted by Once life is finished it acquires a sense , up to that point it has not got a sense , its sense is suspended and therefore ambiguous . - - - PIER PAOLO PASOLINIIllusions mistaken for truth are the pavement under our feet . They are what we call civilization . - - - BARBARA KINGSOLVERBrace yourself . The American Empire is over and the descent is going to be horrifying . - - - Chris HedgesStart learning to love by loving the people you cannot like . The more you remember others with kindness and generosity , the more you forget your self and when you forget yourself completely , you find God . - - - Meher Baba The beliefs and opinions of a person often constitute a very superficial layer of the human psyche . They do not have any integral relationship with the deeper psychic forces . They remain in one region of the mind without bringing about any radical changes in the core of personality , which determines the attitude to life . - - - Meher BabaJustice is what love looks like in public . - - - Cornell WestEveryone thinks of changing the world , but no one thinks of changing himself . - - - Leo Tolstoy The mountains don 't lie to you ; they stand for the things that don 't change , that stay true to themselves . They 've been around a hundred million years and they 'll be around a good while more , I reckon . They keep you humble . They put you in your place . - - - Dr Ralph Stanleywww . butchrobins . com In this unbroken intense booming symphony , suddenly there is the tinkling of a bell so faint that I almost think I am hearing things . It is like the trembling cry of a cicada on a late autumn night . It is so ephemeral , so delicate , so pitiful , yet it is so distinct and clear above the chaotic booming of the drum that it is unmistakable . |
I love spending time with my husband . I could totally handle having him work from home all the time . Dave 's work is in the middle of where our house is and where he goes for High Council . ( An hour drive from home to the town where High Council is ) So on Wednesday 's , High Council days , he goes to work later and then drives straight there in the evening . As a result we hang out Wednesday mornings . Nothing big or grand . The kids are all in school , so it 's just us . We check cow , go to the dump , put up walls , or dig holes for footings . Simple things together . This week he also took Thursday and Friday off . The weather has been beautiful . It is so peaceful out here in the morning . Yesterday we check cows , moved some fences , and I watched as he did some work on the tractor . I am so loving the age of my kids right now . No diapers or babysitters . They can help around the house and farm , but can entertain themselves . They get ready on their own or make and clean up their dinner if I am going somewhere . I can run to town or hang out with Dave and not worry about them . They are old enough to have a real conversation with and have interests and hobbies , not so needy . They are fun to hang out with and make us laugh , smile , be proud of their accomplishments . But can see when others need help and do it . They are all in school , seriously fantastic . I kinda wish they could stay like this forever . But when they are in school , I am really enjoying my weekly morning date with Dave . We talk about everything or nothing . We talk over possible solutions for the kids , or our church callings , or dream about the future . Beautiful . Peaceful . Perfect . He is such a great man . I feel that parenting is kinda like putting together a puzzle . I gather pieces and try them . Some fit right away , others I have to turn and try again . Some will work for one kid but not another . And some pieces will work for a while then need to be changed . A big piece for me was to learn my kid 's currency . Years ago there was a new show out I had waited and waited to see . I told Leah that if she didn 't clean her room she couldn 't go , thinking this would entice her . The show was my currency not hers . She didn 't clean her room on time and as a result I had to stay home with her and miss it . Because of course follow thro is so important in parenting . ( I learned not to give threats I wasn 't willing to actually do ) . Leah doesn 't not like washing her face everyday . One day it clued in with me that her currency right now was music . I made her a deal that if she would wash her face morning and night for a week then each Sunday she could get one song from itunes . It has worked . Another piece was to learn to be confident in any decision I made . My kids have tried to change the sleep over rule so many times . They always have new ideas and reasons about how to change my mind . If I was not absolutely sure about it and if Dave and I where not on the same page , I might waiver . And as soon as you waiver , they will always think any rule can be changed . ( Kids crave rules and structure even if they give you attitude about it . ) I have been researching about introverts . I was starting to suspect that Leah was an introvert , but wasn 't sure how she could be when she is so outgoing . But she is . Interestingly enough so are Dave and I . Blake is an extrovert and Cora is an ambivert , which I had never heard off . When Blake wanted to know what we where taking about I explained it like this . Pretend that everywhere we go we carried a glass . Each of us needs to have a full glass to be happy . For Blake his glass would get filled by being with people , although he is borderline ambivert , plays well by himself also . For Dave , Leah and I it would This is the longest it has ever taken me to write a post . I would start and come back , delete a bunch , reword some . It was getting so long , but I had so much to say , it 's so neat . If anyone wants any more info on color coding or introvert / extrovert and finding out what your kids are , I would happily share the little I have learned . It 's so helpful . Sometimes when you are having so much fun , the work can also feel like the play . The kids really enjoy being with their cousins , some pictures I couldn 't decided where to put . Work post or play post . Cora really enjoyed rinsing the dished , so she could made waterfalls . My two year old nephew thought this was great fun the week before when he was out . Cora played just as much as he did I am told . : ) Cora said , ' don 't pick the one I 'm making a funny face ' , but I couldn 't find the other ones . Sorry Cora . Beautiful shot with the mountains , my dad and two of his grandsons . Blake had never ridden by himself . Both of them did great . Cora borrowed a pair of jeans that Taylor had left at the farm . They where a little big and very high waisted . We where laughing at here , but she needed something to ride in . The sweater she borrowed from Grandma . Sorry about all the blackness in the corner of the pictures . We forgot the camera . Cora had her ipad there so we used that for all the pictures . Apparently the case camera hole is not lined up with the ipad camera eye . Hmmm . Kailey and Leah where babysitting for a lady in my parent 's ward for hours the same day the rest went ridding . Looks like they are doing a great job . Thanks Kailey for the picture . One day we all sat down and took a test . The info is absolutely fascinating to me and has helped me parent my kids . I will tell you all about it after the 18th . One last jump this trip . After temple baptisms we headed to town to go to the open gym . This time it was open : ) So much fun . Cora is very very close to doing a standing back tuck . It has been her goal for months . A few groceries and home to see Dad again . It really was a perfect Easter break . The kids watched movies in the evening . One night they all headed to mutual . made a trip to the library and later for ice cream . They would just let me know where they where going and then back for meals . It was awesome . Thanks to all at the farm for letting us come hang out . Once again we LOVED it . Posted by I have tried over the years to explain the joy , peace , beauty , and pure perfection that the farm I grew up on is to me . I sincerely hope everyone feels that way about their childhood home . But I am not articulate enough to express what it means to me . And what my family means to me . Easter break was wonderful . All these granddaughters get in and help all the time . It is so awesome . They have been doing it for so long that a few time Nicole and I had no job . The girls just took over . When Natalie and I where younger we loved to get all dressed up in my Dad 's work clothes . The uglier the better , to work on the farm . Isn 't this one of the best looking work crews you have ever seen ! ? ? ! ! They where all so dirty from the charred wood . Blake worked with Levi and Grandpa for a couple days straight . At first he was a little complainy about it , but after he was so proud of what he could do . He thought it was amazing how great he slept also . I told him hard work and fresh air over a blue screen make a big difference . My kids loved being out there . I walked every day with my mom . We had some good chats . Some good food . I love that the teenagers can just take off and go get ice cream , or whatever , if they feel like it . It is so relaxing and peaceful . Dave and I went to check cows early this morning . Him and Jared are taking turns and it was Dave 's turn . While checking we discovered a new little calf . As we went back to get all the things we needed we picked up Blake and Emery . These two kids are the early risers of all the kids . We drove back out , and nabbed the calf . Got it in to the trailer and proceeded to tag it . The mother was very protective . I ended up in the trailer as well , she was making me so nervous . As soon as we let the calf out the mother was fine . Just as we thought it would be . I wish I could have gotten a better picture . But I was jumping back and forth and trying to keep the cows away . It was a beautiful morning . I am so glad the kids get to experience this stuff . Blake and Emery then helped us move a fence . That took awhile . We went up to a birthday party for Cadence . It was nice to see everyone from the Puzey side . It 's been a while . Good company , good food . When we got back Leah went and fed with Dave and found a short in the electric fence . They kids where all good helpers . Stayed with us in the wind and dust . In the morning and the evening . Cora is going to go with Dave sometime and get some good pictures for her photography class . I 'm sure those ones will be spectacular . Posted by This year Leah 's birthday fell on a Sunday . I had wanted to fill her room with balloons and hang them from the door , but the girls took forever to go to sleep . Dave got up at 4 to put them up for me . She was very surprised . We opened presents , then ate breakfast . Dave and I went to shovel off the snow so it wouldn 't wreck the floor boards . Can 't wait till we get a roof on , but the guy still hasn 't come . We even left him a few messages . Our bishop has asked that we all attend Sunday morning session at the church . After we shovelled we quickly got dressed and went into the church . It was another great session . After , we left very quickly . Later that night when the bishop called to wish Leah happy birthday he said he had tried to catch her at church but we left to fast . : ) We where meeting a girl at her house before she took off for the airport . She had sent me a text saying she was cleaning her closet and had some dresses if the girls wanted them . We picked them up and then home for dinner . Leah 's requested birthday dinner was : spaghetti ( no surprise there ) , honey almond green beans , Caesar salad ( I make my own dressing and the family can 't seem to get enough lately ) , Grandma Smith 's bread sticks , and a DQ cake . I kept forgetting to get the bread stick recipe , so Leah asked if Grandma could make them for her while we where out there this week . We have sent the request along . : ) I really wanted to try making my own ice cream cake . I was sure that with Mandy 's Hot Fudge sauce , it would be way better than DQ . After a lot of negotiation , Leah finally said OK if I made cookie dough ice cream cake . Four stores later I still could not find cookie dough ice cream . So it ended up being cookie and cream . Which I thought she would be OK with since it was what she originally wanted , but she was still a little disappointed . We all agreed it was much tastier than DQ tho . We cleaned up and got ready for the final session of conference . It kept stalling on us and the two hour session took two and a half hours . It was getting a little annoying , but they where all good talks and I am glad we stuck it out . The kids are going to be saying , " Alas , what shall we do ? " forever now . I think it was from Elder Neil L . Anderson . Not sure . But they thought it was hilarious . Very ho hum response for a big problem . After the session we sat around doing nothing really , chatting , playing games , vegging , then snacking . Pinterest won 't let you have an account until you are 13 . We HAPPY 13TH BIRTHDAY LEAH ! ! So far we have had a great Easter . Friday I took the kids to town . We had started out planning to go to the open gym ( a gymnastics center that you can just drop in to and use all their equipment , my kids love it ) as part of Leah 's birthday present and them get Cora some jeans . Next we were going to use Leah 's Tony Roma 's free dinner , then off to the temple for drop in baptisms . I totally checked times before we left , but I guess I read wrong . The open gym was not open on Good Friday , and Leah was not able to do baptisms . We still had a great day . Finally after many stores we got Cora some jeans , Blake a sweater and Leah some T - Shirts . All 50 % off at every store . I didn 't even think of Good Friday sales . We lucked out . We then had a great lunch . I had put a ham in before leaving in the morning . When we got back , Dave shot the guns with the kids . We made sure they stopped and put them straight up ever time a vehicle was even close and we had to stop and wait for the dogs a few times . But we wanted everyone to be safe . We then came in and made Easter Bonnets to decorate for our dinner . It was such a good dinner . Ham with a brown sugar and pineapple glaze , Tish 's potatoes , raspberry Jell - O , and steamed carrots . Dave always thinks I 'm a little crazy taking pictures of our food , but I love other people 's . It gives me ideas and it also helps me to remember meals I loved when I get my book back . The next morning was General Conference . We had a quick breakfast . I did a quick run . The kids did a fast clean - up and then we all sat down . Once again it was so good . It seemed like so many talks where on family and how to help our kids gain their own witness and testimony . It was wonderful . I can 't wait to go back and read Elder Wilford W . Andersen 's with a highlighter . His was really great . Well they all where . Can 't wait for tomorrows . Our snacks where Starbursts and honey peanuts . Before I could even say anything , Dave told all the kids to save their wrappers . He knows me too well . : ) I finished two and will do another tomorrow . They need to eat some more Starbursts first . Everyone went out and did some more shooting before lunch . I had made up a treasure hunt and when they came back in they did it . I lost one things of Nerds tho . I simple can not remember where it was . Poor Leah didn 't get hers . I hope they turn up some time . I made these ' carrots ' a few days ago . They where really fun . I think I will have to do it again next year . After the second sessions it had started to rain . Cora and Dave ran to the house to put the tools away . Dave finished cleaning the garage , and then quickly got ready for the Priesthood session . I did some prep for Leah 's birthday dinner tomorrow and folded the laundry . Kids are watching a movie and we are all ready for Sunday session of General Conference . I love the inspiration and wonderful messages we get from our prophet and apostles . They truly are men of God . We had wanted to go down for a session and stay with Taylor . I wanted to met his little girl who is almost a year and I still haven 't seen . It turned out that Dave could not get off work and his Saturday 's are precious right now as we try to get this house built . Too bad , I would have loved to have spent some time with them . Looking forward to continuing tomorrow . I read this thing that asked when was the first time you saw all four General Conference sessions . So the kids wanted to know how old they where . Cora was 6 months . She was born right after the October session . Leah was one day old . She is my General Conference baby . Blake was two months . Those younger years where not easy and sometimes not at all pleasant . But Dave and I agreed that we wanted them to know from the beginning how important this was . Now they enjoy it and so do we . I love gathering my kids around and listening to words Jesus Christ wants us to hear . Such special moments . Posted by I got a text late Monday nigh , t from Cora 's basketball coach , asking if Cora could play in the league all - star game the next night . It was quite a drive to the game . After talking it over , Dave and I got everything arrange so we could get her there . I also had YW 's that night and wasn 't able to go . But decided this was a great opportunity for her and we wanted her to be able to play . I packed them dinner , picked her up early from school , and ran her down to meet Dave at his work . He then took her the rest of the way to the game and I got the other two kids feed and we went to YW 's . Cora really , really wanted to play again . Said she couldn 't wait to just run . She was , however , pretty nervous . Some of the other girls told her that she was not the first choice . I guess all the grade 12 's are in Europe for the school trip , and the coach even ask one girl that sat out the entire season with an ' injury ' to play . ( Really she didn 't want to play with a team that wasn 't doing well ) This other girl is one of the coach 's three favorites , and very negative . I personally think she should have been kicked out months ago . Anyway , Cora was thinking she couldn 't do it , wouldn 't be able to play with the other girls . But of course she did great . Dave said she had a lot of assists and some shots up no basktets . Handled the ball well . Just needed to work on some of her passing . Sometimes got in a tight spot and didn 't know how to get out . He gave her a few pointers after the game . Of course after telling her all the good things she had done first . : ) She came home so excited . Cora said the coach was so good , talked to them the whole game , gave directions , could see what was and wasn 't working . In four years of basketball she has never had that , except at basketball camp . Isn 't that sad . She could not believe the difference a little guidance made . She loved every minute of it and the team she was on won . So even tho according to the coach she was not first choice , she still had the chance and more than proved herself . Cora rocked it . She said it was a great way to end the season . Blake made himself a little chair the other day . He was most upset about not shooting the guns for FHE . We where supposed to do it last week , then it snowed so the gophers were not out , and this week we really needed to get these walls up . So he did come over with us , but he spent most of the time pouting , digging , and building this chair . But he was with us . I guess that counts for something . And look he even smiled in the end . He even helped after he happied up . Guess he just needed to ride it out and be angry for a bit . Dave checking out the tramp . The kids wanted him to jump , but he was sure all the springs would go flying if he did . Reminiscent of years ago when Jared tried to show us his back flip . Still a great story . Posted by Welcome to my blog . The place that I use as a journal to document my normal every day life . My husband and I have three children , two girls and a boy , that are growing up way to fast , and involved in many sports and other activities . We try our best to teach them life skills such as politeness , obedience , and reliability . We center our lives on the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . We live on a farm and love it . My husband is very handy . He can fix and build anything , he also keeps us laughing . He is very musical and an amazing husband and father . I enjoy blogging , reading , sewing , little crafts , cooking if I don 't have to , ( or if I have a new recipe to try ) and being with my family . And shoes . I love shoes . It 's my sisters ' fault : ) My biggest hobby is ( to quote a friend ) my kids . I love being involved with all their activities and spending time with them . If you have stopped by to visit me today , leave a comment and let me know where you are from . |
I hasten to add that I am on my mood stabilizers at present . This isn 't some maniacal delusion of grandeur . Anyway , I 'm fairly certain my brain would do a better job if it was inventing something . I had a dream about it again last night . I was on a train , trying to find one of my rabbits ( who was on a platform somewhere very far away ) and I needed to get across the train to the other end . I walked through a carriage , then where there would usually be a door , there was a hole , at about waist height , that was red and cushioned , pushing in firmly . I looked at the hole , I didn 't really want to go through it , it looked far too small and like I 'd never get through it . I was afraid of getting stuck . This is another part of the motif that repeats : Fear of getting stuck . I went in headfirst because there seemed no other way of doing it ( another thing that always repeats : Going through the hole headfirst ) , and I felt so squashed as I was trapped in this narrow , compressing tunnel , I couldn 't breathe , all the air was forced out of my lungs and I was afraid that I was going to die . My hip seemed to get stuck and it ached as some force external to myself propelled me down this red tunnel that was crushing me . I emerged on the floor of the vestibule where the train doors are . But it was the wrong area . I had to go through another of these tunnels . I was almost despairing . I didn 't want to do it again . It was awful . I knew I would never see my husband if I didn 't go . So I went through the next one . It was worse because it was the same only I 'd just experienced it so I had less patience for the process . I was suffocating and my hip hurt again . It was exactly the same as before . This time I emerged in the right place , where I flagged down a train attendant and told her that I wanted to complain about how difficult it was to traverse this train . I kept telling her that I was the smallest person on the train , and so , if I had hurt myself trying to get through that awful tunnel , how would larger people ever cope ? I said it was discriminatory . She dismissed my problems , the train stopped , and the dream moved on into a train platform where Katie ( my bunny ) was becoming a Youtube sensation for coming back from the dead , and her original " owners " were proudly telling the assorted press how they had trained her to tapdance . I punched one of them for mistreating her . As a child , I used to regularly dream that I was being chased by angry , faceless adults in various locations and scenarios and that there was a secret passageway somewhere near me . I would find the passageway at a point when I was alone , and it was always a little too small for me , I would force myself through , head first , knowing it was the only way to get to the " safe place " and after being forced through this compressing tunnel , always black or red , I would emerge in a different world to the one I 'd started in . The start and end scenarios differed quite considerably in these dreams , but that process was the same each time . Sometimes it was just a black hole in reality , an opening in the fabric of what I 'd known to exist . Other times it was a cave with a black river flowing at the bottom . One time it was a bungee jump into a hole that unexpectedly I got forced through , then they had difficulty removing the safety cord at the other end . I have never dreamed the same dream twice in this respect , but the physical feeling - compression , squeezing my head into a space far too small for it , difficulty breathing , sounds like being underwater , a desperation to get out , a fear of being trapped and dying , and the pain on one side of the outside of my pelvis , are always the same . There is always a sense of horror . When I was three or four , a very early memory of a dream , I dreamed of being too big for a play tunnel and getting stuck inside it until this lady ( in the dream she was visiting the house ) came and pulled me out . So today I thought on this , and as I was describing this dream to my husband I suddenly realized that this was a memory . Often my emotional memory seems to play out in my dreams , so rather than directly reliving my traumas and significantly unpleasant events ( although I do that as well ) I often re - live the sensations and emotions connected with those big flashbulb events . I think these dreams are my brain remembering how it felt to be born , even though I don 't remember the actual event itself . I did some research on this after I got to thinking about it . The " dream interpretation " websites were , as always , useless . Their main error is assuming everyone has one absolute set of symbols in their dreams , when the meaning of dreams is highly unique and individual , as your brain made up the dreams , not some mystical outside force . So I started looking for " remember your birth " and it turns out there 's a few accounts of this online . Here 's a bit of a quick linkdump : This account from 2010 claims to remember it . I don 't like the " I 'm special because I remember this and you 're narrow minded because I 'm going to assume you don 't believe me " undercurrent or the description of things that my biology brain knows don 't quite occur like that . It sounds like an account that 's been much refined through years of cross - checking , especially this bit " Over the past few years my mother 's memory has started to fade " ( the writer being 25 at this point ) - could it be that the mother was originally humoring the child 's ' memories ' and now is sick of her going on about it ? As an interpretation , I would say this person probably had one or two very brief memories around her birth but that over time she has " filled in the blanks " either consciously or subconsciously . Without having been there , we can never know , but to me , it doesn 't ring true as anything more than a " I 'm a special snowflake with special powers " kind of account . I looked elsewhere for answers to my own questions . Going back earlier , this account from 2003 describes their birth and claims that their purpose in life is to tell people about it . I 'm more inclined to believe that this person actually has this memory ( whether the memory is true or not is of course debatable ) and they 've clearly spent time thinking about what it means and why they remember it . There are some very interesting and unusual details thrown in that probably make sense to them . They have come to the conclusion that their purpose in life is to tell people about their experience and to reassure people that life is continuous , not fixed by the physical vessel . It 's an interesting idea . A reddit conversation got quite banal and bogged down with the possible / impossible argument , with the fundamental lines of reasoning centering around the development of the hippocampus around age two . This is the main flaw in every argument against remembering being born . This article by The Epoch Times aggregates lots of people 's experiences to give a broader idea of how prevalent this really is as a concept . Unfortunately , while some children seem to be spontaneously remembering things from pre - birth , their parents seem to over - encourage or over - emphasize the significance of such memories so the child can no longer hold ownership of the integrity of the original memories , because it starts to become parent - coached . An example in this article is of the child " Magnus " who almost certainly had the original memories but the meaning and size of them seems to have grown in the telling . In a discourse of recent work by psychologists , it was claimed that there is now research showing that we can form long term memories from as young as 3 months or 6 months old , saying that " implicit , unconscious memories " such as " feeling safe when you hear your mother 's voice " can be formed but " explicit " memories ( events ) cannot be retained due to brain development . This certainly fits best with my own view and the dreams I 've been having , because I 'm certainly not remembering the actual event ( as it was perceived and interpreted by all present , e . g . being in the hospital , being separated from my mother immediately , etc ) of being born . I didn 't even know until I was going through some personal effects from my parents , who both died in the last 12 months , that I was born in a psychiatric hospital , not a regular one , and that my father ( listed on my birth certificate ) didn 't meet me for at least 3 months . If it was episodic memory , it 's likely that I would have dreamed , remembered or known some of that stuff , too , and I never have . Every model of memory that I 've ever seen given credence seems to focus on auditory and visual memories - the sort you can see in these " accounts " of " remembering my birth " that propagate the internet . What if , as many survivors of past trauma and general unpleasantness can probably attest , memory can be the memory of emotion , the memory of pain , the memory of sensation ; things conveyed by the endocrine system and nerves ? The areas of the brain that process these stimuli are developed from before we are born , because nobody is in any doubt about whether babies are sentient , whether they have emotions or feel pain . Even the most callous animal researcher couldn 't deny that . Any court in the land will prosecute you if you torture a newborn to death . If we weren 't in general agreement that babies feel sensation and have feelings , surely people could defend against such charges . Culturally , we know it 's just as much of an atrocity to harm a baby as an adult . Moreso , perhaps , to many people . So I 'm putting it out there , that perhaps we need a new model of memory , one that accounts for sensation and emotion . Perhaps we could even say that sensation and emotion are ALWAYS a component of memory , and that the sounds and pictures evoked are filled in or triggered by them ? Perhaps this is why some people 's memories subtly change compared to other people 's , or over time ? Perhaps this is why some people 's brains make false memories of things that have been shown to be untrue ? Share this : FacebookTwitterLinkedInPinterestGoogleRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Author MsAdventurePosted on October 30 , 2015Categories SCIENCETags birth , born , death , development , earliest , emotional , hippocampus , memories , phantom , reincarnation , sensation , soul , spirituality , stimuli , unborn4 Comments on Can You Remember Being Born ? A Rant from A Waiter . I 've had a shit day today . The guy who started yesterday wanted to micromanage everything . Example : I was washing dishes , he came in and said " can you do some washing up ? " Then when I was making customers ' drinks , he came over and said , " there 's some drinks that need making . " I put up with it as long as I could then I snapped at him . In front of customers . After 4 hours of that , while I was CLEARLY doing three jobs at once , he said , " make those drinks that are on order because there 's loads now ! " He could have made them himself , and I had both hands full of plates I was on the shop floor taking to diners . So I snapped . I was like " well I 'm making food that you should be making and fixing the dishwasher that you broke and trying to get the thing done that ( actual supervisor ) needs urgently doing and taking these 10 plates to tables so I don 't have time right now . " I turned down the supervisor gig because I wanted to see what the regular job was like first . Now I wish I 'd taken it so I didn 't have to put up with this sexist crap . The actual supervisor who was in today didn 't do this at all . Of course . Because he knows what he 's doing and has experience in managing people . Like I do . And this guy who started yesterday … I 'm quite sure this is his first supervisor job . It might even be his first job . I 'm trying to be nice about it . But if this carries on , I 'm going to be looking for a new job pretty quickly . I wouldn 't mind , but when I called him on his micromanaging , he said , " I know I can be demanding …” ( twice he said this , twice I pointed out he was actually micromanaging . Y ' all know the difference between actually delegating and telling someone to do something they 're ALREADY doing , when you , the supervisor , aren 't doing anything , right ? Because it can 't just be me ) . And so he got trained on loads of stuff that I should have been trained on . Because he 's the new supervisor so he needs to know how to do it more than I do . After all , we both have the same job apart from locking up and cashing up . On top of that , he gave out craptons of free stuff to customers that he shouldn 't have . And turned customers away when he shouldn 't have . And got a £ 30 order so wrong that we had to give 6 ( perfectly reasonable and justified ) customers a full refund after they waited 45 mins and their food STILL didn 't arrive properly twice , after they sent one drink back twice ( and his attitude towards it was shocking ) and we had to clarify their order three times . And instead of being a man and going and dealing with it , he kept hiding in the washing up room whenever any orders had to be taken NEAR those customers ( and telling me to take those orders up when I was clearly busy and he wasn 't ) , and every time they came down to complain , so I and someone else ended up dealing with it . It 's basically been a day of cleaning up his messes and having to grit my teeth while he told me to do things I either was doing , had done or was about to do . Share this : FacebookTwitterLinkedInPinterestGoogleRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Author MsAdventurePosted on October 29 , 2015October 29 , 2015Categories UncategorizedTags blog , food , life , management , rant , supervisor , waiter rant , work10 Comments on A Rant from A Waiter . 7 Lessons Learnt from Climbing Ben Nevis This was a very personal goal for me . It was the highest priority on my 30 list , and after climbing Snowdon and Ben Lomond , I wondered whether we could really do it . As our holiday drew to a close , I felt more and more miserable and started acting like a complete brat . I didn 't work out why until day 6 when I hit my head and nearly died ( you 'll remember this was confirmed by a doctor when we got back and I landed in hospital ) . The thing I was most regretting ? That I would never have even climbed Ben Nevis . Yes , there was an " even " in there . And this is how my lack of sense of achievement undermines my confidence . 1 . Those respect the mountain people take it too far with their scaremongering . If I 'd known it was going to be as straightforward ( I did NOT say easy ) as it was , I would 've done it on day 2 . I wore trainers and I had my waterproof and gloves . We built a snowman from snow on the slope . It was the size of my fist , and sits on a 2 × 4 plank of wood . Curiously the lack of ice axe and crampons did not hinder us . 2 . You don 't need a fancy hydration system . I took a plastic 500ml bottle of water , I think 750 would have been optimal but a litre would have meant expending too much energy on carrying it up . There is a waterfall around 2 / 3 of the way up where you can refill anyway . 3 . You don 't need trail mix , energy bars , kendal mint cake and other expensive walkery foods . I took some ready - made Morrisson 's Chicken Salad sandwiches , a cereal bar and a banana . If I 'd been closer to home , I would have made my own sandwiches . 7 . More people attempt it than we saw at the summit . Loads of people ( about 50 % ) turned back before the top . While this is fine , I do suspect they then go back to work telling everyone they climbed Ben Nevis when they didn 't actually get to the top . After I got so worried about climbing without a spare pair of tractors in my daysack , I am at my wit 's end with the shitty advice coming from " respect the mountain " type people . Where do they actually get off ? Being an anarchist and a minimalist and a free spirit and having lived among Irish travellers , I am firmly in camp " disrespect the mountain " if it means I 'm not carrying so much crap with me that I 'm never going to get to the top . If you 're wondering whether it 's okay to go up or not , and it 's summer conditions , just go for it . As long as you 're not a complete moron it 's going to be fine . I mean , you would really have to try to get killed in summer on the tourist path on Ben Nevis . At which point , your last thoughts should probably be " whoops . " When we reached the summit , I didn 't really have a sense of achievement . I guess I must be developing a good sense for things such as the top of the mountain really being a halfway point not an end . And this was borne out , because ( as with Snowdon ) the descent was far more painful on my poor damaged lower leg bones and on my feet . When we reached the little wooden bridge ( we took the Youth Hostel Path as it 's got free parking and less hikers before it joins the " tourist path " ) , the magnitude of the achievement struck me . Not the physical demands because let 's be fair I 'd barely done any exercise for a month before we climbed it and I found it was only the compression on my leg bones on the descent that caused an issue . The achievement was that I was able to fulfil a promise to the me from the past who wrote the 30 list . Ben Nevis was one of the most important things on the list . A gateway to bigger things . Britain 's highest war memorial . Because one generation 's pretentious junk is another generation 's national treasure . Actually if you read it , it 's for soldiers from Fort William , the nearest town , which makes more sense than the " Nepalese War graves " all over the UK - why oh why aren 't they home on their mountains where their hearts belonged ? Didn 't they give us enough already ? Well … . seeing them play live is a better experience . It 's like having someone playing your favorite music AND seeing them in person in front of you AND being surrounded by people who know their back catalog as well as you do AND do you know what 's better than that ? I thought Lagwagon were a good warm up band but their sound system was a bit loud ( same as The Who - it was just so loud that it cut loads of the sound out of the audible range - what is the point of this ? ) as there weren 't enough people in the room by then to absorb all the sound , and they sounded totally different live than they do on their recorded stuff . I like them better recorded , they 've got a good sound . They still had me bobbing my head though . Alkaline Trio were a bit EMO if I 'm honest . I thought their lyrics sounded very angsty and I was surprised because I thought they were one of the bands that was slightly more " out there " than NOFX . Like , proper American punk . Putting all argument about whether America has any " proper " punk aside because that 's elitist and it 's not my job to keep punk rock elite : That 's Fat Mike 's job : After Alkaline Trio finished , there was an OBSCENE interval , in which my stepdad got VERY drunk ( by normal people 's standards - not by his standards , he could 've probably drank 3 times as much before he 'd be as rowdy as he can get ) and then complained that this is why he hadn 't seen NOFX when they 'd played Blackpool 's Holiday In The Sun ( or whatever it 's called nowadays . Google says : Rebellion Festival ) - he just couldn 't be arsed with waiting around to see ' em . He also said that aparently NOFX were banned from this year 's Blackpool Rebellion Festival ( the big punk one ) because they 'd been too offensive last year . Only the entirety of their album Punk In Drublic and when they started playing Linoleum I was just gone . GONE . Just … raving ? Is that the right word ? I was waving my arms and jumping up and down and banging my head and the whole universe just made sense and it all converged around a moderately sized man in his 40s wearing a maid dress and wielding a guitar , surrounded by other men in their 40s who were not wearing girly costumes and who were still equally mesmerizing . What impressed me most was that they knew their shit . They didn 't make any mistakes , didn 't lose their thread ( unlike Bruce Dickinson when we saw Iron Maiden ) . They just sounded like they do on their records , but BETTER . That 's the first time I 've said that about a band . My step - dad disappeared into the moshing and I later saw him crowd - surfing . They also did Franco Un - American and some other stuff I 've forgotten because I was just totally lost in the experience which is why it 's taken me so long to get to a point where I could write about it . Putting it into words I 'd say it experientially was like being in a BDSM scene . Which I 'm patently bad at writing about ( hence my other , VERY ADULT CONTENT DON ' T GO THERE IF YOU GET OFFENDED BY BDSM , no reblogging , blog only having one proper scene write - up , DON ' T SAY I DIDN ' T WARN YOU - it 's here - NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED although much less extreme than loads of stuff out there ) when it 's something I 've experienced rather than using my experiences to write stories . Speaking of which … I was intrigued by the maid outfit but I thought Fat Mike was being ironic : I didn 't know that Fat Mike was like BDSM 's biggest fan . Then I found this interview and when the guy asked him the question , " you 've got your finger in many pies , what are you first , are you a musician first ? " And he said , " Oh , no . If I could only do one thing for the rest of my life , it would be , er …” [ long pause ] and I instantly thought about my own answer to that question , which would unequivocally be BDSM . I would literally abandon everything else going on in my life if it was a choice like that , stop writing , acting , traveling … anyway , I was whispering " BDSM , BDSM …” ( the way you do when you know how you 'd answer a game show question ) then I took a gulp of tea , Fat Mike said , " BDSM " and I literally spat my tea . It happens around 28 minutes 30 seconds ( although you can 't see me watching it and spitting my tea I guess ) . I felt like such an idiot , there 's this punk guy being interviewed in a pink negligee with a chain around his neck fastened by a padlock and I totally MISSED the fact that he 's someone 's bitch . So anyway I did some googling and found out he 's actually married to a dominatrix ( lucky him ) and has a dungeon in his house ( lucky him ) and my respect for Fat Mike and all things NOFX just went through the roof . I thought S & M airlines ( an album by NOFX ) and all their dominatrix - themed shirts and him turning up to the gig in a maid dress and that song about Japan ( Cool and Unusual Punishment ) were all just another example of people incorporating BDSM imagery into popular culture . It happens a lot . It gives me another reason to place NOFX at the top of my list as my all time favorite band . It 's like there 's this fundamental rightness to the sound of NOFX that I have only ever heard when listening to Bikini Kill . * stares off into space thinking about Kathleen Hanna 's voice and feels a bit sad that Bikini Kill aren 't still touring * Bikini Kill were , in fact , the whole catalyst that started me on this Bands Bucket List quest , because I felt it was such a tragedy that I never got to see them live on account of being FAR too young . I need to see NOFX again . Like , every day for the rest of my life . Anyway this article needs an ending . We staggered out of the venue and then went on a hunt for some food and it turns out there 's a deficiency of fast food in Birmingham on a Sunday night . So I think we got back as far as Stafford before we found a McDonalds and ordered large quantities of dead animal flesh to fill our faces with . Share this : FacebookTwitterLinkedInPinterestGoogleRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Author MsAdventurePosted on October 23 , 2015February 7 , 2016Categories musicTags bands , BDSM , Bikini Kill , Blackpool , bucket , Fat Mike , festival , Hefe , Kathleen Hanna , list , maid , NOFX , punk , Rebellion , riot grrrl I 've Got A Job ! ! ! ! So yesterday was exhausting but I tried to catch up with blogs in the evening . I was on the TV set for 10 hours and I was mostly naked and it was very cold . Overall it was a positive experience though and the positives definitely far outweighed the negatives and I spent most of the day pretending to eat someone 's muff . I can 't go into any more details due to the non - disclosure agreement , but it was for a show that airs on the BBC so it 's not porn or anything ( sadly lol - I did meet a porn actor but he only did gay porn so had no advice about which straight / lesbian studios were any good ) . Then this morning I overslept bigtime and my Dearest was left to make his own way to school . And my phone had 2 missed calls / 2 messages so I phoned back and it was the coffe place / cafe / restaurant ( I don 't want to be specific but they do table delivery service although you go to the counter to order ) who offered me the job as a supervisor at their food place . I start Monday . I 'm still ambivalent about this though because I wasn 't sure that I was ready to go back to work , and I don 't know what it 'll mean for my acting and writing , will I still have time ? What about getting the house organized ? At the interview I explained about the bipolar disorder and how it affects me , that sometimes I 'm quiet for no reason and sometimes I can 't leave the house . I thought that was going to be the dealbreaker but they seemed ok about it ( I wasn 't sure until I got offered the job this morning whether this was legitimately ok or not ) . I know I 'm not usually upfront about my bipolar disorder but I felt like it was the right thing to do in this instance . I also explained about how I sometimes get called to do acting / walk on work , and that I would do it if I could get time off but I wouldn 't call in sick - unless it was Game of Thrones . The manager thought that someone would almost definitely switch shifts with me if it was for that though lol . When I think about everything I 've managed to do lately , I feel slightly positive , particularly since I haven 't been on mood stabilizers since several days ago , due to trying to conceive . Am going back on them after I stop ovulating , if ( and only if ) I have a negative pregnancy test result . Otherwise , I 'm going to wait until I can 't sleep again . I 'm also ambivalent about it because I 'm worried that I 'm biting off more than I can chew with this whole thing , and that I 'll be exhausted from everything . I did ask for a 30 hours a week contract though instead of the standard 43 hours full time one , so hoping that helps relieve the potential for exhaustion . A lot of me wants to just stay home and get the house organized . And I 've just been called about working on a TV soap ( do you guys have soaps in America ? They 're like Melrose Place , or maybe the telenovelas , but less glamorous ) next Wednesday so I worry about taking time off when I 'm just starting my job , but I did say to him on the phone that I might need another day off next week . And I guess the major advantage is that I 'm nearly always free on weekends when my job is busiest . I need to get myself into Equity ( the acting union ) and on Spotlight ( directory of all professional actors ) ; I might actually get enough work this year to make them both viable and worth paying to do . Share this : FacebookTwitterLinkedInPinterestGoogleRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Author MsAdventurePosted on October 22 , 2015October 22 , 2015Categories bipolarTags acting , bipolar , bipolar II disorder , Equity , food , job , maternity , pregnancy , Spotlight , work , writing16 Comments on I 've Got A Job ! ! ! ! Katie 's Funeral On Tuesday , I put Fifer on his rabbit lead because the carrier was at the vets with Katie . There was a spare carrier , but two boxes and a husband don 't fit in my car safely . It turns out Fifer much prefers to wear his harness and sit on someone 's knee for car rides than to be put in a box . We learned he likes looking out of the window . I told him we were going to see Katie . I wanted him to have the chance to see her again , because whilst I 'd been worried about her when I took her to the vets in the morning , I had had no idea that this was going to happen or that we weren 't getting her back . I 'd been worrying in the morning because Katie was worrying ; it was like she knew . We arrived at the vet 's 20 minutes early . Contrary to what the receptionist had said earlier , we were shown straight into a room and Katie was brought out for us by the nurse . We put Fifer on the table with her so they could talk in bunny language to each other and share a moment . She wasn 't very with it because they 'd sedated her , she 'd been in so much pain after the anaesthetic wore off that they had to , apparently . She still looked like she was in pain , and she basically just sat there and Fifer came and snuggled her and licked her nose and she just stared at him for the longest time , then she nuzzled him with her nose and sat next to him . Our usual vet ( not the one I 'd seen in the morning or the day before , but the one who founded the practice and who has been seeing us since we first started going here , a few weeks after they opened ) came in to talk to us about Katie 's situation . She showed us the X - rays . It was much MUCH worse than it had sounded on the phone , and as soon as I saw the X - rays I started crying because Katie 's skeleton was effectively crumbling away inside her . Before we came to the vet , I 'd kept an open mind and if I 'd thought there was the slightest chance of her having a pain - free or fulfilling life after that day , I would have paid the money . I would have remortgaged the house if I 'd had to to pay to save Katie . But there 's only so much that can be done , and the leg was today 's problem , but as the X - rays of the rest of her showed , her other leg could split at any second , her knees were fucked , her spine was fused together , her hips showed significant lack of bone density , and that was just the lower half of her body ( which was what was X - rayed ) . This more experienced vet told us she thought Katie was probably about 7 years old , and that from the bone density throughout her skeleton , it was extremely likely that she wasn 't actually fed rabbit food by her previous owners . From this day on , her life was only going to be vet stay after vet stay , interspersed with what they called " cage rest , " during which her movement would have been inhibited as much as possible and she would have spent months in extreme agony until this leg healed , then there would have been the rest of it , a ticking timebomb inside her ready to go at any moment , causing her more unspeakable pain and fear . I wanted my squishyboo , but I wasn 't going to keep her alive so I could selfishly stroke her nose . Would I still have adopted Katie if I had known she was so old ? Resoundingly yes . I just would have maybe expected this instead of it being such a shock . It was only last week that I was thinking that one day , in a few years time ( with her Before I took her to the vet , she had taken herself to a spot in her hutch and stayed there . When I came to pop her in the box , she screamed in pain but she didn 't resist . She knew her time had come and she was very serene about it . I didn 't understand at the time ( hence my worry before and after dropping her off at the vet that the anaesthetic would be the killer here ) . I never expected to end the day having to make a living death or death decision over my favorite bunny . While we were talking to the vet , Katie seemed to perk up a bit , and she started eating the cilantro that my Dearest had brought for her and strewn over the examination table . Then , with superhuman effort , she managed to get up and hop over to where Fifer stood opposite her , and she faltered when her injured leg touched the floor , but that didn 't deter her , she went to lick his face profusely . Then she turned around , and just lay down sideways on the examination table . She only managed to do it for a few seconds before she had to get up again because her leg hurt too much in that position , but after her little energy spree , she turned to my Dearest and licked his hand , then she turned to me and licked my hand , then she licked Fifer 's nose again , then she sort of switched off again , it was as if she was saying " there , now I 've done everything , now I have said goodbye to you all , I can go now . I 'm ready . " I was in floods of tears throughout . The vet picked Katie up and took her out ( they can 't do rabbits the way they do dogs because their veins are too small so she had to do it away from us then bring her back ) . When the vet took Katie in the back to do it , Fifer just sort of sat there staring at the floor looking morose . Then , about a minute or so after she 'd left , Fifer suddenly looked straight up towards where she 'd been taken , he stared at that spot for a second , then he lay down on the examination table . It was as if he knew the exact moment when she died . After Katie was PTS ( put to sleep ) , the vet put her on the examination table for us and then she just let us stay in the examination room and take our time . I let Fifer have a look at her . He declared that she smelled strange then indicated that he wanted to leave . So we bundled Katie up so carefully ( the vet let us have a towel ) . I just scooped Katie up , supporting her head because she was limp , and held her for about ten minutes , just rocking her and crying and kissing her nose and trying to deal with the situation . Then I popped her back in her dog carrier ( she 's the size of one ) and took the bunnies home . On Wednesday morning , after the school run , the first thing I did was go to see Fifer . I went to his outhouse and just sat by Katie 's body with him . I noticed there was now some broccoli in her ear . He had tried to feed her broccoli at some point in the night . The rest of her had been thoroughly groomed . Rabbits have a special ritual when one of their herd dies . They sometimes do a rabbit dance around the dead one , and they often groom them . It 's critically important that they get to see the dead body after the bunny has been PTS , which is why I put Katie out with Fifer overnight . That morning , I lifted her up - rigor mortis had set in by now - and I took her out into the outdoor run so that Sebastian could see her as well . Fifer of course had priority because they were bonded first , but Sebastian loved Katie and would often be found on the other side of the fence snuggled up to her . When I got Sebastian out of his run and put him next to Katie , he nosed her then lost interest . He didn 't seem to care . I put him back away and gave the rest of my attention to Fifer who was clearly mourning his Katie . Fifer sat with me and Katie for hours in the garden , and when I went to the flowerbed to dig her a grave , he came and " helped " without getting in the way . He knew what we were doing . He 's very intelligent . I lined the bottom with lots of her favorite plants . After that , I popped Katieboo in the outdoor toilet room so that bugs and birds didn 't start on her , then waited for my Dearest to finish work so we could bury her . After I moved her , I watched Fifer from the kitchen . I saw him sniff around where she 'd been before , then he laid down where her body had been , and stared into space wistfully . This is why they have to see the body - otherwise , they will wait for weeks sometimes for their friend to return ( because they think they 're out feeding and haven 't come back ) and they won 't eat or drink if you 're not careful . When He got home from work , we wandered down the road and picked loads of dandelions and daisies for her . Dandelions were her favourite thing to eat that grows wild , and she 'd eaten all the ones in the garden which is why we went looking . We were losing light , as the sky turned a dark pink , it was Katie 's favorite time of day ( bunnies naturally are most active in the hour around dawn and the hour around dusk , and out of all of our buns , Katie and Fifer are / were the most in tune with their natural rhythms ) . We gathered her some broccoli and a whole carrot from the fridge , and all the rabbit nuggets that had been handed back by the vet because she wasn 't eating properly . I got her out of where I 'd put her , and rigor mortis was wearing off again so she was a bit more movable than before . I placed her carefully on the bed of plants , then we placed the dandelions , daisies and broccoli where she could get at them ( I put some of the broccoli behind her ears as per Fifer 's broccoli - feeding attempts , in case he knew something about all of this that we didn 't , such as that rabbits eat backwards in the afterlife maybe ) . We snapped the carrot and placed it in front and behind her . Then we took the bunny nuggets and scattered them around her , so she was totally insulated from soil by all her favorite snacks . It 's what she would have wanted . The hardest part was putting the soil over her . It felt so wrong . She just looked like she was sleeping , peacefully , dreaming , with her eyes slightly open . I covered all the rest of her then I did her face last because it was so hard . Then after I 'd covered her a bit I handed the shovel to my Dearest and let him put the next layer on . I was too upset . I didn 't want to let her go . In the end , I took over again because he was too upset too . Fifer stood beside us , looking on , I 'm not sure what he was thinking but he knew she was there . We put a protective fence ( made of spare panels of rabbit run ) around her because the last thing I want is a cat to dig her up and eat her . I 've let Fifer out since and he 's gone to the place where she 's buried and he 's nosed at the fence , like he 's saying " that 's where Katie is , isn 't it mummy ? " and I 've replied ( because I do ) with " yes , honey , that 's where Katie is . " He seems to be coping pretty well . He 's just gone back to being his loner , lonely , languishing self from his pre - Katie days . We 'll probably need to get him a new friend soon but for now I want to just let him ( and us ) get over this profound loss . My Dearest asked me a question yesterday that threw me . He said , " what are your thoughts about pregnancy now ? " and my answer was " it 's strange that you should ask , because when I was holding Katie 's body in the vets , the only thought in my mind was ' if we get pregnant RIGHT NOW then we might get her reincarnated spirit . ' Because I know that Katie will get reincarnated if she doesn 't just get a free pass to the afterlife . Look , I know it 's weird but in the last 12 months I 've lost 2 parents and 2 rabbits , I think I 'm allowed to have strange afterlife ideas . Then I had a dream about all the ginger people I know , all in the same room , and I was looking for Katie but she wasn 't there . I had that dream the next night as well . Weird , huh ? We have had to make the very difficult decision to put Katie to sleep because she is in unbearable pain , she is hardly moving and she is suffering greatly . I don 't want to lose my marmalade princess , when I 've barely had her for a year , but it turns out that she is an older lady rabbit . It seems weird thinking that about a 5 - ish year old bunny when Cleo and Sebastian are both 10 and 1 / 2 and they 're still hopping around . And I was mentally prepared for either of them to die . But not Katie . I thought I had about a decade with her before we 'd have to deal with this stuff . We were supposed to have more time ! ! ! Fucksake . I 'm angry at the vet receptionist who just told me I couldn 't have my rabbit back before we put her to sleep . I want my rabbit . I want to stroke her nose and tell her it 's going to be okay and fix this all . I feel so awful . I told her last night that we 'd have her back and safe this evening , that the vet would make her better . Instead , we can 't do that . Top 10 How To Get Better Results From Color Remover : How Color Remover Works Blue Circles ? How to get rid of under eye blueness , purple circles , and veins . 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The children are fed , dressed , groomed , packed , and marching to school . It 's the first year they are making the trip , for both of them . I wave , brushing the tears out of my eyes . They are too busy chatting with friends to notice . I close the screen door after they are obscured by the top of the hill and go back into the bathroom . My make up is spilled across the small yellowing counter . The flat iron 's green button is blinking an ' I am ready ' message . Carefully , I finish applying my make up , checking for evenness . I pick up the flat iron and slowly work it through my damp hair , straightening colics out of my barely curly hair . I squint at my reflection , seeing the laugh lines around my eyes and mouth . My skin is still smooth , which is a blessing compared to the faux - sun - baked skin of my sisters ' . I look professional , approachable . The soft grays and pinks of my sweater pull out the buried rose color of my cheeks . I don 't wear blush because of this . When I do , I am reminded of my high school picture the first year I was allowed to wear make up . I shutter a little at the thought and then smile at how much I have matured since those long ago days . Still looking at myself , I flip off the bathroom light and head to the kitchen . I put on my coat and pick up my new leather bag , a gift from my husband for starting my first job in five years . I take a deep breath , pick up my purse and keys , and then softly close the door behind me . It 's my first day as a career woman and I don 't want to be late . I have already seized the day in 2010 . I am taking risks I have promised myself I would take over the last couple of years . The hard part is done . I 've reached an understanding that my life is mine and does not need to be divided evenly among everyone else , leaving only the scraps for myself . All I have to do now is wait for the calendar to change and then show up . That is the easy part . * * * One Minute Writer * * * Because I can and that is a good enough reason . I 've known I can for a long time . Too long really . I shouldn 't have waited to have it validated two years later . Probably longer . I should have listened to my gut . I could have found a way to pursue it . But , I didn 't . I sat around admiring , wishing , envying others who were there . Others who made it look so simple while I played it safe . Now I am making the leap , taking that chance , and learning that I always could . Learning just how much time and money I have wasted . I 've only made it harder on myself . Now , I have a relationship to add into the equation . One that I appreciate and don 't want to watch dissipate . One that will slowly disappear because I won 't pursue it . Because I don 't have to and I question if it is a good enough reason . I never thought I would stay home with my children , but I did . It wasn 't me . I was a career woman . The thought of staying home while they were young made me cringe ! But , having made such an unconceivable commitment ( at least for me ) , I can 't imagine why I ever questioned it . Rather than write a story , I wanted to comment on some of the posts I 've seen from friends on facebook . Even though it is only Christmas Eve , many have posted about looking back on their lives and a brief comment on how they feel they have faired so far . Some are happy , most are unsure , and a few are waiting for some big mysterious event to happen that tells them their life has been worthwhile . Personally , each of you is worthwhile . If nothing else , you have all touched my life in some way and without you I would be much less blessed . As far as my life is concerned , I am proud to say that I am one of the happy ones . I am leaving a footprint in the world . It may not be a big print , nothing the size celebrities or the very wealthy have the ability to leave , but it is a mark and a positive one at that . The regrets I have are few and not things that tug on my conscience . My need for gratification for work is small and non - existent when it comes to good deeds . The feeling of accomplishment and doing the right thing keeps me going and wanting to do more . Looking back , things are good . Looking forward , things are great ! If nothing else comes your way this holiday season , I hope you find the same sense of ease and joy I have found . I remember always loving my Grandmother 's Christmas Tree . It was covered in white porcelain ornaments of various shapes and sizes . The old fashioned kind you can 't buy anymore . When she died , her belongings were split among her children and I was disappointed not to receive any of the ornaments I treasured . I never told anyone . A year later , I received a package in the mail at Thanksgiving . It held a dozen white porcelain snowflakes . Thank you to whomever sent it to me . I wish I knew who you were and how you knew how desperately I wanted them . A romantic comedy . John is walking along Michigan Ave when an old woman tells him he has just met his wife , pointing to a woman he just helped a moment ago . Thinking he is being punked by his friends , he decides to play along and returns to invite her to a Christmas Party . A year later , still in each other 's company , he has to decide if this relationship is " the one " and has given himself until the annual Christmas Party to move on or propose . * * * In the spirit of the holidays , I give up on writing long entries that require much thought . Instead , I fall in the direction of the One Minute Writer just to stay motivated while making other memories to write about another time . * * * I asked my five year old son what he would use . At first he said , " Why do we need to build a house ? We already have one . " Then he said , " I know ! I would build them out of the ABC blocks I have downstairs . My house would look like a pyramid with little windows so I could see when it was snowing . " The more I think about it , the more I would like to live in his house . * * * Another prompt from the One Minute Writer * * * Is it bad that world peace comes to mind , but only as a joke in a Sandra - Bullock - in - Miss - Congeniality - after - thought kind of way ? I 'm far too selfish to care what day or what year we figure out how to get along . ( Although , I do hope we get their in my lifetime ! ) No , all I want for Christmas is THE pair of black boots I saw at Kohl 's . They screamed Diva ! Furry black from the top all the way down to the ankle of the boot where it met with suede . And two cute black balls of fur on the laces . I saw another mom wearing them when she picked her little girl up from ballet . And n ow , I want them ! Please Santa ? * * * This prompt brought to you from the One Minute Writer . And please don 't buy me the boots ! I 'd enjoy them , but feel bad about guilting you into it . My birthday might be the right occasion though . * * * It is cold , but not as cold as the previous few days . The temperatures should be in the high 20 's at some point . They are not there as of yet , but they have broken into the high teens . I am watching the clock carefully . To make the trip work , we must be out of the house by 11am . We are good on time right now . 10 : 40am . So far , the children have been fed a heavy breakfast of diced potatoes , eggs , peppers , tomatoes , spices , and bacon . A pseudo skillet of sorts . They have brushed their teeth and I am armed with Super Blue , a small blue squirt bottle named for it 's color and snarl fighting powers , and a hairbrush . Xander rounds the corner first . Seeing Super Blue in my hand sends him careening back around the corner . " Xander ! Come back please . " I urge . " We need to brush your hair so we can go . We are running out of time ! " It is all to no avail . I walk through the living room and down the hall , first peeking in the bathroom for his little frame , and then his room . He is laying on the bed , cover over his head . " Come on , honey . " I am purring , rubbing his back , trying to entice my mouse out of the covers . " I want to get our Christmas Tree . Pretty soon it will be too late to go and then I don 't know when we will be able to get one . " My hand passes lightly over the exposed skin of his belly . I feel his muscles clench and see the blanket tighten in his hands . He lets out a giggle . I smile . The mouse is cornered . " Are you excited too ? " I brush the tips of my fingers across his belly again and he wiggles , trying to slide away . I do it again , my fingers following him as he tries to slide out of reach , forgetting about holding his blanket . He bumps against the wall . I start tickling him in earnest . Xander laughs with force and releases the last of his light grip on the blanket , choosing instead to grab his shirt and pull it down protectively over his belly . I set Super Blue on the bed next to me and use my freed hand to pull the blanket off his face and hair . " There you are ! " I hold firmly onto the blanket as he tries to pull it frPosted by The bar is quiet except for the performers . People are swaying and smiling , but aside from these small movements , no one would know that people were having a good time . I sit back and listen , taking sips of my drink which I now recognize as a Long Island Ice Tea . The drink is good for bar quality , but far from stellar . I can 't see much of the band as the booth we are sitting in is on the far side of the bar . It 's rumored that this is the booth Al Capone would sit in with his henchman . They could keep an uneasy eye on both doors . I am appreciative of this historical perspective as I realize that I can also watch both doors for John . I look at the large painting of sailboats on a cloudy day at dusk hanging above the booth . The picture feels as if it is brooding , upset by being placed in such a place . The only light comes from the tall white walls of the lighthouse and the spiritual feeling of the church , although even its spires and windows fall under a shadow . The heavily sculpted framing is thick . Its deep brown is only a few shades lighter than the wood paneling of the walls and booths . The crisp white table cloths offer a stark contrast . Red lighting gives everything a sinful feel , much like it must have felt to go to a speakeasy under prohibition . The new owner has done well in keeping with this theme . The singer introduces the band and I listen to the solo rhythm of a drummer exhibiting skills outside of the confines needed to play as a band . He is good and generous applause follows his final flourishes . The piano player takes over , followed by the trumpet and saxophone . The singer encourages them with soft humming and oohing . Desi 's eyes are fixed on the stage daydreaming of the day she can play this stage . I smile at the idea of sitting in a VIP booth , listening to her deep voice seducing her audience . I clap as the band converges into a single unit . They play one more number and then break . Desi turns to me smiling . " Oh my God ! They are sooooo good , " she enthuses . " I know ! I 'm loving this . AnPosted by We are standing , waiting for the " L " . Men are looking at me appreciatively and I realize it has been a really long time since I put any real effort into my appearance . For all of the pleasure I take from my appearance , I certainly haven 't done anything to help others see the possibilities . I have been wasting my time waiting for John to notice me . Why would he the way I use to look . But now , I can see real possibilities in gaining his attention . The thought makes me warm and giddy . Desi finally asks about my behavior . " So , you are awful giddy for the Green Mill . You do know you have to sit quietly and politely right ? No real conversation . Why did you really pick this location as a coming out party , hmmmm ? " " I don 't know . I guess I am not completely ready to through myself into the world . Baby steps . I have a look that I can try out without the commitment of actually having to talk to anybody . Plus , the music is always great . And tonight , the company will be even better . " I smirk . It 's our usual flirtation with each other . We call it Diva treatment . We compliment the other in absolutely ridiculous ways , all of which have some element of truth to them . I do think Desi is great company . " I 'm not sure I am buying it , " she says . " But you are great company ! " I say too loudly , hoping to distract her from the more material conversation . " And don 't let anyone tell you differently . " She is amused and loving the few people who are staring at us . " Damn it ! You 're right . I am fabulous and I need to start expecting other people to see it . " I laugh at her , grateful she has decided to follow the more playful conversation . " Damn right ! " The train arrives , unloading its passengers and accepting the new ones . We walk through the doors , still giggling at our silliness . It 's a night out and most people have reached their first destination . Its 10 : 50 and seats are open . We sit down around the half wall barricade by the door . Lawrence is only 2 stops away . In 10 minutes , we will be standingPosted by At 9pm , I punch out and grab my shopping bag , taking it to the bathroom with me . I 'm in a great mood . The VIP tables gave me about $ 300 in tips plus another $ 200 from my other tables . Wollensky 's really does pay well for a part time job . Carefully , I put the money inside my purse in the zippered pouch . I decide to get dressed at Desi 's house and settle for just washing my hands . I find the key in her purse , wave goodbye to mark , blow Desi a kiss and head to her place . I 've been out with Desi several times and I know she will be home and ready to go by 10 : 15 . I need more time so rush to catch the train . It 's a much more pleasant ride than the night before and I enjoy watching the people on the train . There is a group of three teenagers that I would never have guessed would be friends . Big boxes of Mika and Ike 's or Junior Mints hang out of their pockets and they are still looking over the playbill for The Blue man Group . They are chatting excitedly and reenacting their favorite scenes . I have seen the performance 6 times already and would go again . Across from them are a mother and her little girl . The little girl looks to be about 4 and is wearing a pastel pink dress and a matching bow in her hair . She has on thick white tights and a cute little white winter dress jacket . She is curled up in her mother 's lap , sound asleep , while her mother smoothes her hair and kisses the top of her head unconsciously . The mother looks like she would also like to be sound asleep . All around us are people ready to go out . It feels good to identify with this group . Finally , the Sheridan red line stop is called and I disembark . I walk half a mile to her apartment and let myself in . It 's a decent enough place , but lacks much of the architecture I love . Her apartment is an " L " shape , with her bedroom being on the corner of the building . It is decorated with a lot of mismatched second hand furniture and is always a mess . I would pick up for her , but I don 't have time . I have to get ready assuming that I will see JPosted by I walk through the employee entrance at Wollensky 's 15 minutes before my shift . Mark sees me and smiles . I wave and smile back . After I take care of my coat , I approach him . " Hey Mark . How are you doing ? " My voice is chipper and to be honest , I am actually in a pretty good mood . " I 'm okay . Bad headache tonight . Are you going to do anything to make it worse ? Do I need to worry about you tonight or in the future ? " Mark has always been kind of gruff , but he is a softie at heart . I can 't imagine this is an easy job for him . He takes a lot of flack from the chef if anything goes wrong on the floor . I feel bad that I caused him so much grief last night . " Actually , I wanted to apologize to you about last night . After I left , I went home and had a good long cry and then my roommate and I hung out today . She was great at pointing out how delusional I 've been . After her little talk with me , I can assure you that I am capable of doing my job regardless who walks through the doors . " I had been thinking about what I was going to say to Mark on the train and now I am hoping my little speech helps reestablish the trust he has in me . He looks at me suspiciously , unsure whether I am really capable of turning it off just like that . " Besides , " I say , " Mr . Cusack is unlikely to be back anytime soon so I have plenty of time to prove myself to you . " " Jodi called in sick " Mark tells me . " I want you waiting her VIP tables tonight . " He turns and walks away . He still trusts me , even if he doesn 't say it directly . Waiting the VIP tables means big tips and he never puts people there who can 't give exceptional customer service . It 's a tip of his hat or a challenge . Either way , I am elated ! I check my hair and make - up in the staff bathroom and punch in . After about half - an - hour , Desire walks in . She tells everyone her Mamma named her that because she knew her baby girl would grow up to be someone others would desire . Although she works at Wollensky 's , she has a lot of musical talent and I fully expePosted by " I am so excited about this possibility ! " I tell her . We hug again and then start giggling . I am excited to be spending time with Laura . We hang out until about 2pm , when I tell her I have to go to work . " Already ? " she says . " I didn 't think you worked until like 5 or something . " " I don 't , but I fell and ripped a hole in the knee of my pants last night . I have a really busy week with the studio and need to make sure I buy a new pair before next weekend . I wanted to run to the store and get a pair before my shift . " It 's true . I am busy meeting with some clients on final choices and other prospective clients this week . My schedule isn 't packed , but it is full . It 's the biggest con of working in Interior Design . I frequently have sporadic mid day and evening meetings , making it difficult to run errands . " Okay " she says , slightly disappointed . " Maybe I will call Jeremiah and see if I can talk him into taking me to a movie or something . I don 't know . " Her legs have already started to migrate north . Pretty soon , I will be talking to her feet . I move off the loveseat to give her more room . I pick up our lunch dishes , wash them in the sink , and then head to my room to do my makeup before leaving . When I reach my door , I turn around . " Laura ? Thank you . " I am very genuine . Her feet stop wiggling a moment and then I hear a small " You 're welcome " come from the loveseat . I close my door and breathe a deep sigh of relief . Grabbing my make - up bag , I walk to the mirror and start applying my make - up slowly . Wollensky 's wants the staff to be available but not noticeable or distracting . Make - up must be neutral . Long hair must be worn up in a twist or bun or other simple style that does not compete with the customers who are required to wear jackets and dresses . I think of how the neutral tones of the make - up make my face blend in with all of the surrounding points . Laura is right . Wollensky 's doesn 't count as being a presence in his life . I finish my make - up . I put my work shirt onPosted by " Okay " I say , but I am feeling nervous about this . It 's not like I will be able to walk up to John and ask him to hang out with me more . Maybe letting her believe it is a co - worker is a bad idea . " And how am I going to do that when I rarely see him ? " " Now , I might be going out on a limb , but it seems as if he thinks of you as a co - worker only right now . The first thing you have to do is give him something more to identify with besides Wollensky 's . Pick somewhere he likes to go and show up looking completely different . Do you know what I mean ? " I have no idea what she means . " Not a clue . You mean go to a baseball game wearing something other than my Wollensky 's shirt ? Because , news flash , I already do that . " " Yeah , but do you look good ? Do you wear your hair down and make - up or do you still pull your hair up ? Ya ' know ? " I love it when Laura 's southern drawl slips out . She hates it her accent . When we first met , she was working diligently on making it disappear . When she is excited about something , she still slips . It makes me smile . " Kind of . So , let 's say that I am going to a baseball game . What would you dress me in ? " I think I understand , but want to make sure I can do this with as little help down the road as possible . Laura 's hands fly up . They are hovering in front of her about shoulder height , hands splayed open , as if she is directing traffic . " Okay . If I were going to dress you for the game , I would look at two possibilities . First , you could go the totally casual look . Baseball jersey with a little lace cami underneath and a pair of jeans . Wear your hair down and smooth . Get some of those big movie star sunglasses and a baseball cap . Then , cheer like mad . Dressed like a supportive fan and looking cute could easily get your face on the big screen . He may not recognize you at the game , but then at work you can tell everybody about it . Word will get around and he 'll be like , ' No way . I was there . I saw her ! ' It will be kind of like bragging rights and men love tPosted by * * I have 15 minutes to write tonight , so don 't expect too much ! And now I have wasted one of those minutes writing this disclaimer ! * * I am moved by her generosity and more so , her desire to help me . I know this is within Laura , but sometimes I am so sidetracked by silly things like dirty dishes and randomly missing food that I forget . " Thank you . Thank you " I cry into her shoulder . We release each other and sit back . It is slightly awkward and we both nervously laugh . " Ummm . " I lean back against the arm of the loveseat to create more space between us . " So , where do we start ? " Laura doesn 't move . In her artsy world , there is little need for personal space . I am comfortable with the space between us . She laughs a free spirited laugh and then smiles . " Well , " she says excitedly , " let 's start with you telling me about this amazing man of your dreams ! " She is giddy and has taken both of my hands in hers . I lean forward slightly . Sitting like this reminds me of the early days of our friendship . I gush . " Oh my gosh Laura . He is so cute ! Tall , dark , and handsome . Amazing smile . Deep brown eyes ! He makes me laugh too . And he 's so smart . He is into sports and architecture and independent films and music . We just have so much in common . He 's just … . perfect ! I really like him . " " He sounds great . What does he think of you ? " " I don 't know . I thought he could like me . We 've never really talked about it . Mostly its just been short conversations . You know , in between waiting tables and stuff . We aren 't there on the same nights all that often . " I 'm not sure if this is a good answer or not . I am nervous that she will see through my plot . Laura 's eyes open wide . She gasps . " He doesn 't even know you like him , does he ? You haven 't told him . " I look down sheepishly . I inhale deeply and then shake my head no . " Well , then I think the first step has got to be getting him interested in you and we can 't do that unless he starts to have more contact with you . " I 've just put some M & Ms in my mouth . The question catches me off guard and I choke on an almond , causing my eyes to water profusely . Laura laughs and then looks concerned . Finally , I recover . I try to take deep breaths , but it only sends me into another spell of coughing . I am alarmed by the pain , but mostly I am struck by how painful my life is . What can I tell her ? My voice is raspy when I excuse myself to get a drink . I dilly dally in the kitchen , coughing whenever I feel the urge in order to give myself more time . I waver between grabbing a glass of water or making hot chocolate . I already feel overloaded from the sweetness of the candy and decide that the extra time is not worth the sick feeling I will have if I try to suck down something equally as rich in flavor . I fill my glass and grab a few Kleenexes to dab the moisture out of my eyes . When I return to the living room , Laura is trying to subdue her laughter . I pretend to scowl at her and then let my body drop heavily on the couch . My throat is still tender . I take a long , slow drink of water and then carefully set it down on the Kleenex . I pull out the little drawer from its cozy place in the middle of the table and take out a coaster . Laura brought the coasters back from her trip to the Gaudi Temple in Barcelona , Spain a few years ago . I am hoping when we part ways , she will leave them to me . I love how the reds , blues , and golds of the smooth glass crashes into the jagged metal rivers that spread chaotically through them . I set my drink on the one that is predominantly red and look back up to Laura . Her laughter has subsided . She is twirling a long strand of her curly hair around her finger . She does this unconsciously when she is impatient . " What did you ask me ? " I say casually . I am hoping she forgot and that I can gain control of the conversation . " I said , what 's going on in your life ? " She is too direct and I know she suspects something . I just don 't know what or how . I consider giving her a story , something to occupy her . I 'm not Posted by I take the M & Ms and sit back down on the couch . Laura has put a wrap over her hair to keep it from becoming speckled with paint . She has left a folder of pictures sitting on the couch . I pick it up , holding my breath as I open it . The first face smiles up at me . Julia Roberts . I smile with relief . " Free associate ! Start blabbin ' Miss Jane . " Laura calls out . She is standing poised at her easel , ready for a smattering of words that will guide the paintbrush in her hand . " Okay . Pretty Woman ! Her smile is known by everyone ! Being too big for her face has somehow turned it into a … . a … . something people desire . She always plays the underdog who becomes the heroine . You know , like in Erin Brockovich or America 's Swwethearts and so on . " I am smiling at the simple joy her smiling face brings . It 's such a lightweight feeling . I realize that this could be a fun activity and begin to relax . " Is that enough or do you need more ? " Laura is standing still watching me . Her brush is dry and devoid of any color other than the natural color of the bristles . " Only give me what comes to mind . Don 't over think it . I want your natural reactions , " she assures me . I set Julia Robert 's smile aside and look at the next picture . Brad Pitt . " He is America 's Sweetheart . At least every female I know loves him and his chiseled features . But , the handling of his divorce has left a bit of a sour taste in a lot of people 's mouth , including mine . I guess we never heard much of his side of the story , but still . I don 't know . Maybe it isn 't fair to judge . He went from untouchable to basically gossip fodder overnight . And now it seems the tabloids are constantly after him . No peace . I feel for him . " I glance at Laura . She is staring at her canvas , dry paintbrush poised above it . I am quiet too long . " Keep going , " she says contemplatively . " Just think incessant chatter . " She never even looks in my direction . She just stays focused on the canvas . I move Brad Pitt to join Julia Roberts . The next picture isPosted by I don 't really have anything to put away , but I go to my room anyhow . I push the door so that there is only a small crack left open and sit on my bed . It 's already been made . I 'll still use tidying up as an excuse . Laura always says I am fanatical about this so she will believe it . It gives me a few minutes to collect myself before pretending to enjoy the treat . I wonder what variety of chocolate she has obtained for us . It 's her most common treat . I look at the clock and am surprised to see that 5 minutes has passed . I know I only have a couple more before I evict myself or she barges in . I contemplate how I might escape so I can figure out what to do about the Wollensky 's ordeal , and more importantly , how to put myself back into John 's favor . Wollensky 's ! Of course ! I have to work this evening . I 'll just tell Laura that I picked up an extra shift and need to leave by 2pm . That will let me appease her for a while and then I will be free to worry about my next step . Quickly I reach back for my plate and cup still sitting on the nightstand . I am relieved that Laura will provide a little distraction for the day . I leave to take care of my things . She is sitting on the floor of the living room in the middle of the carpet , having pushed the coffee table under the painting , doing what I assume is a yoga pose . Her bottom is in the air . Her legs are straight . Her elbows and forehead rest on the carpet . As I suspected , she is wearing leg warmers over her leggings and a long tie - dyed T - shirt dress , gathered with a bulky belt . Artist chic . Later she will add several bangles , a few long necklaces , possibly a crop sweater , and some kind of hair scarf to keep the curls out of her eyes . I walk past . In the kitchen , I notice the cereal bowl and spilled oatmeal in the sink . From the color , I would guess she chose cinnamon apple . The milk is still sitting out as well . I put the cap on the milk and slide it in the refrigerator door shelf . Then I grab the kitchen sponge and scrub the drying oatmeal off the bowl aPosted by Quietly , I emerge from my room , laden with the clothing I am wearing and those I intend to put on . I startle when Laura calls out , " Oh good ! You 're up ! Hope I didn 't disturb you this morning . Jeremiah is so delicious and it made things so much more fun than usual ! " She sighs deeply . " Anyway , what are your plans today ? " I can 't see her curly dark brown hair or her slender body dressed in what she calls artist chic fashion . Her tanned legs and florescent pink toes stick above the couch . I close my eyes and pull my clothing closer to me . I don 't want to talk with Laura . I want to shower and hide in my room for the day . I address my response to the flexing feet . " Not much . A shower followed by a generous helping of me time . " I don 't wait for a response and start walking toward the bathroom . " Perfect ! " she says . Her feet and legs swing down and are immediately replaced by her equally tanned and smiling face propped up on her fore - arms . I stop and smile weakly at her . " Don 't feel you need to entertain me ! " she sings . " Go take your shower ! " She imitates the shooing motion of a mother trying to move her young children on . I don 't argue and take the escape she has offered , quickly stepping inside the bathroom and closing the door behind me . Once the door is locked , I lean against the door and exhale . I am so grateful that she clearly has ideas of her own that don 't include me . Of course , her behavior leads me to believe she wants the apartment this afternoon . Stewing in my room will be more difficult and I need to think of an alternative plan . " All in good time " I remind myself . " First , a relaxing and steamy shower . " I set my clothing down on the toilet seat and go to the wardrobe . I pull out a thick green towel , hanging it on the towel hoop and return to the wardrobe to collect the rest of my supplies . I am going to luxuriate in the shower as long as I can . I turn the water on and pull the small nickel circle that triggers the cap to slide into place , forcing the water to fPosted by A friend and I started playing a writing ' game ' and this is the result . The posts are " Daily Prompt " writings that are very much in rough draft form . I love to receive comments so please leave plenty . I do leave responses so please , check back often ! P . S . I 'm very sorry about how messy things are right now . I was gone for a short while and I returned to upgrades and other changes that I don 't quite know how to manage just yet . I promise a more visually appeasing space if you can hang out for a while . |
John 's brother Thomas and sister - in - law Sally readily open their home to the three newcomers . Wise beyond his years , Thomas , a minister in the district , refuses to marry Amy and John upon their arrival , suggesting instead a period of adjustment and counseling . During this time Amy discovers an aunt who was shunned . She wishes to reconnect with her , but this puts a strain on her relationship with John . Can John and Amy find a way to live in happily in Harmony before making a lifetime commitment to one another ? In this new series by Mary Ellis we follow the lives of two sisters from Pennsylvania . After a tragic accident that leaves them without parents , the oldest sibling , Amy and her sister Nora move to Maine with Amy 's fiance ' John . As they work to make Harmony , Maine their home Amy finds her shunned Aunt Prudence living not far from where they are . Amy wants more than anything to have more family close by before she marries her fiance John , but will that ever be ? This story is full of faith , romance and a little adventure added in . Great read . Now I can 't wait until the next book in this great series comes out in the New Year . . I receieved this book free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review of this book . No other compensation was given . If you 've followed my blog for awhile then you would know that I have taken a challenge last Fall to read the entire Bible in 90 Days . Up until that point in my life , I 've never read the Bible through it 's entirety . I completed that challenge with 2 days to spare reading it in 88 days . . Since then I 've had a tug on my heart to read it again . Cover to cover . I found that Mom 's Tool Box website is hosting another Bible in 90 Days challenge . The great news is she has two options this time around . Follow her original plan by reading the Bible in 90 Days Bible or read it chronologically . This is the way I want to read the Bible . To see the stories unfold to me in the order of time . I think what made it hard to understand the last time I read it cover to cover is it kept flipping around back and forth in time and it was hard to follow . This time I 'm reading it chronologically and what a difference so far . I 've completed my first week and started today on Day 8 . I 'm loving this so much . God has been faithful in giving me the time I need each day to read His word . I feel that their isn 't anything more important than reading , absorbing and applying God 's Word to my life . I have completed reading Genesis , some of 1st Chronicles and all of Job . Today I 've started reading Exodus . I 'm reading this time around with more of an open heart and mind to what God wants me to see through this time in His Word . The last time I read it cover to cover it was just mainly to get an overall picture of who God is , what God has to say and who Jesus is . . Now , I want more . I want to really see His Word . I want to apply it to my life somehow . With God 's help , I really feel I can do this . Not sure how often I 'll post about my Bible challenge . . I wanted to let you all know that I 've chosen to read the good book again cover to cover and will be done by Thanksgiving . I am using the One Year Chronological Bible NLT Version and Mom 's Tool Box has a two week at a time schedule to follow along with the Bible . . Would love to hear if you are joining in on this or have joined in , in the past . . 2 comments : Murray Pura was born and raised in Manitoba , just north of Minnesota and the Dakotas . He has published several novels and short story collections in Canada , and has been short - listed for a number of awards . His first books to be published in the United States are the inspirational works Rooted and Streams ( both by Zondervan in 2010 ) . His first novel to debut in the USA is A Bride 's Flight from Virginia City , Montana ( Barbour ) , which was released January 2012 . The second , The Wings of Morning , will be published by Harvest House on February 1 . Both of these novels center around the Amish of Lancaster County , Pennsylvania . Snapshots in History sums up the book really nicely . If you have a love of history then this book is for you . I love this time period in American history during the Civil War and to have it retold through the eyes of Amish Lyndel and Nathaniel puts a wonderful touch to it . I was drawn into the storyline at the beginning it 's just getting to know the characters and then we dive into the front lines of the war with both main characters and I couldn 't put the book down . Action , suspense , romance . . it 's all in this great book . ABOUT THE BOOK In April 1861 , Lyndel Keim discovers two runaway slaves in her family 's barn . When the men are captured and returned to their plantation , Lyndel and her young Amish beau , Nathaniel King , find themselves at odds with their pacifist Amish colony . Nathaniel enlists in what will become the famous Iron Brigade of the Union Army . Lyndel enters the fray as a Brigade nurse on the battlefield , sticking close to Nathaniel as they both witness the horrors of war - - including the battles at Chancellorsville , Fredericksburg , and Antietam . Despite the pair 's heroic sacrifices , the Amish only see that Lyndel and Nathaniel have become part of the war effort , and both are banished . And a severe battle wound at Gettysburg threatens Nathaniel 's life . Lyndel must call upon her faith in God to endure the savage conflict and to face its painful aftermath , not knowing if Nathaniel is alive or dead . Will the momentous battle change her life forever , just as it will change the course of the war and the history of her country ? It 's that time again . . " Not Back to School Blog Hop " and this week 's theme is school pictures . I thought this was a perfect time to post this since we started school today . . I just can 't get over how much my kids have grown . We are entering our 9th year of homeschooling . WOW ! My babies aren 't babies anymore as you can see below . . DD17 is entering her last year of high school . . With this she is also Dual Enrolled at the College of Technology this year . DS10 is rounding out his Elementary School years entering 5th grade . I am still wrapping my mind around how grown up my kids are getting . One is almost an adult and the second one isn 't far behind , and my baby is no longer a baby . . It 's going to be a great year and if these smiles indicate that , then it will most definitely be ! ! 2 comments : I am really behind in posting about our school room for the " Not Back to School Blog Hop " . It 's been a really busy week getting everything prepped and ready for our back to school day which was today . So even though I 'm behind I would like to show you our school room for the year and some organization ideas I am implementing this year . . Left side of our room . Our ' school room ' is actually our dining room which we converted into our school room . In all reality it 's the storage room for all of our schooling supplies / books . I do assist with my youngest in this room with a round table in the middle of the room . The two oldest do their work in their rooms . The right side of the room . The white shelf closest to us holds school supplies like pens , pencils etc and on top of that is the two youngest ' cubbies ' is what I call them . It has their own personal pencils , rulers and current work in it . Next to that is really my stuff which holds my computer and my supplies in the black bins and the top white container holds everything I need for the dry erase board above . The black box on the stool is my prize possession for this school year . It holds 36 weeks of all the copies I will need for this school year for all three of my kids . Took me about 6 weeks to get it all complete . I 'll show you more about it below . . The white bookshelf top three shelves is work for my middle child . He is doing Heart of Dakota this year and I 've purchased everything for his school year and it 's housed on these shelves . The bottom two shelves are resource material . I 'd like to mention a lesson planner that I had made for my middle son . For about 3 yrs now I 've basically used a regular wire bound notebook to write down the lessons for my son each day . Well after that many years putting that much effort into setting up his lesson plans I am burnt out writing that much down . Well , I couldn 't find a premade lesson planner that would fit my needs so I made one myself then took it down to Office Max and had it bound . Here is a glimpse into what the lesson planner looks like . I have divided it up into four quarters using manila file folders . I have each quarter color coded to match the file box system below . Each quarter has enough pages to meet a Mon - Sat schedule for a total of 9 weeks each . This gives an extra day in case he needs to do homework over the weekend if he didn 't finish through the week . I had the left column pre - typed with the subjects he will be studying leaving the bottom two blank for those subjects that are not all year long for ex . handwriting is only a quarter long and I didn 't want that printed on there the whole year . I already have the first quarter completely filled out for him and as he misses assignments it will be scheduled on the weekend page . Now comes my baby . . . hee hee . . . Here above is the brain 's of this year 's homeschool operation . It holds every ounce of paperwork for the entire 36 weeks of school . I 've divided the school year into four quarters . Each quarter represents a color . 1st Quarter - Pink Here is a folder of Week 10 . This quarter is represented by the Blue Folder . I labeled the side Week 10 in the same color as the folder . On the inside of each colored folder holds 2 manila colored folders as shown above . Each of these folders were cut down on the side to remove the tab so you could see the outside tab when this is closed . You can see that on the blue folder picture above . The reason I have two folders inside is to represent two of my children . My two youngest . I have the appropriate color coded dot on the folder to remind me this is this particular quarter and next to that I wrote the first initial of each child and the week number . Some of the dots I had to color myself with the pens I purchased when I bought the folders to match . I just purchased the regular white sticker dots and filled them in . I did the dots and the dates like this above so in case any of the folders get misplaced from the outside one , I 'll know where it goes . All of this is coordinated with my calendar . I didn 't take a pic of my calendar but I have a circle dot like above on each week that we school . 9 weeks has one color , then another 9 for the next color etc . I 've already marked the dates we will be taking off school and then I filled in the lesson planners with all this info . It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review ! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance , just click the button . We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books . A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured . The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction , non ~ fiction , for young , or for old . . . or for somewhere in between ! Enjoy your free peek into the book ! ABOUT THE AUTHOR : Sandra Robbins and her husband live in the small college town in Tennessee where she grew up . They count their four children and five grandchildren as the greatest blessings in their lives . Her published books include stories in historical romance and romantic suspense . When not writing or spending time with her family , Sandra enjoys reading , collecting flow blue china , and playing the piano . Anna Prentiss wants to be a nurse , but first she has to spend a summer in Cades Cove apprenticing to the local midwife . Anna is determined to prove herself … but she never expected to fall in love with the Cove . Has God 's plan for Anna changed ? Or is she just starting to hear Him clearly ? AND NOW . . . THE FIRST CHAPTER : Mountain air was supposed to be cool . At least that 's what she 'd always heard . Anna Prentiss couldn 't be sure because she 'd never been this far into the mountains before . But if truth be told , they still had a fair piece to go before they reached the hills that rolled off into the distance . The narrow dirt road that led them closer to those hills twisted and bumped its way along . The June heat had dried out the winter mud in this part of Tennessee and produced a dust that threatened to choke her , roiling up and around the buggy . Anna covered her mouth with the lace handkerchief her mother had tucked in her dress pocket and sneezed . The smudge left on the cloth made her wonder what her face must look like . She glanced at Uncle Charles , her father 's brother , who sat beside her on the leather seat of the buggy . Perspiration had cut meandering , dusty trails down his cheeks , but he didn 't appear to notice . His attention was focused on trying to avoid the holes that dotted the road . She wiped at her face once more before stuffing the handkerchief back in her pocket . It really didn 't matter what she looked like . There was no one to see her . The only living creatures she 'd seen all day were some white - tailed deer that had run across the road in front of them and a fox that had peered at her from his dusky hiding place beside the road . In front of them trees lined the long roadway that twisted and turned like a lazy snake slithering deeper into the mountain wilderness . She 'd come a long way from the farm in Strawberry Plains . A twinge of homesickness washed over her . She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth . The uneasy feeling lingered a moment , but with a determination she 'd only recently acquired , she banished thoughts of those she 'd left behind to the spot in her heart where her grief lay buried . Just then the buggy hit a hole , and Anna grabbed the seat to keep from bouncing onto the floorboard . Uncle Charles flicked the reins across the horse 's back and glanced at her , his spectacles resting on the bridge of his nose . Wispy gray hair stuck out from underneath a black hat . " Hold on . These roads can be a little rough . We had a hard winter up here . " Anna nodded , straightening herself on the buggy seat and studying her uncle 's profile . How many times had he ridden this way to take care of the mountain people he loved ? He looked every bit the country doctor . His smooth hands , so unlike her father 's work - roughened ones , gripped the reins tighter as he grinned at her . The corner of his mouth curled downward when he smiled , just as her father 's had always done . That was the only similarity she 'd ever seen in them , though . Uncle Charles used to say he got the brains and Poppa got the brawn . When she was a little girl , she wondered what he meant . But she knew no matter what it implied , the two brothers shared a bond like few she 'd ever seen . And they were the only ones who 'd ever encouraged her to follow her dream of becoming a nurse . Anna took a deep breath and inhaled the heavy , sweet smell that drifted from the forests on either side of the road . She turned to Uncle Charles . " I 've been noticing those white flowers that look like shrubs growing along the road . What are they ? " " Those are our mountain rhododendron , " said Uncle Charles . " There are also pink and purple ones . Sometimes in the summer you can stand on a ridge and look across the mountains at the rhododendrons blooming , and it looks like somebody took a paintbrush and colored the world . It 's a mighty beautiful sight . " Anna swiveled in her seat again and looked at Uncle Charles . " Thank you for working out this trip for me . " " Not enough yet . " A sudden breeze ruffled the straw hat her mother had given her , and Anna grabbed the wide brim . After a moment she released it and pulled the handkerchief from her pocket again . Grasping it with both hands , she twisted the cloth until it stretched taut between her fingers . " I hope I don 't disappoint Mrs . Lawson . " He didn 't take his eyes off the road but shrugged . " I wouldn 't worry about that . She 's been delivering babies in Cades Cove for a long time , and she 's glad to have an extra pair of hands . It 'll be good experience before you leave for nursing school in the fall . " The old anger rose in Anna 's throat . " Only if Robert agrees . " She spit out the barbed words as if they pierced the inside of her mouth . " Why does he have to be so selfish ? " She clenched her fists tight together . Ever since their father 's death Robert had assumed the role as head of the family , and he took his responsibilities seriously . Too seriously , if you asked Anna . He never missed an opportunity to tell her how their father wasn 't around anymore to cater to her every whim . The first time he 'd said that she felt as if he 'd shattered her heart . The pieces had never mended as far as her relationship with him was concerned . But if things went as planned , she would soon be free of his authority . " I don 't want you to be angry with your brother , Anna . You may not understand his reasons , but he 's trying his best to be the head of your family . He 's still young and has a lot to learn , but he loves you and wants what 's best for you . " Anna crossed her arms and scowled . " All he wants is for me to stay on the farm and marry somebody he thinks will make a good husband . " Anna shook her head . " Well , that 's not what I want . Poppa promised me I 'd be able to go . Robert has no right to keep that money hostage . " " I know . Your father would have been so proud to know you 've been accepted . " Uncle Charles 's shoulders drooped with the sigh that drifted from his mouth . " Try to see it from his perspective . You 've led a sheltered life on the farm , and Robert feels like you aren 't ready for what you 'll see and have to deal with in a big hospital in New York . You think you 'll be able to assist injured and dying people , but it 's different when you 're right there with somebody 's life in your hands . If you find you can 't do it , then Robert is out the money for your tuition , not to mention travel and living expenses . " He cocked a bushy eyebrow at Anna . " And he doesn 't need to be wasting money that can be put to good use on the farm . " " I know . He 's told me often enough . " Anna smoothed out her skirt and straightened in her seat . " I 'm just thankful you came up with a plan that Robert agreed to . Spending the summer with Mrs . Lawson ought to prove I have the grit to handle New York . " " Remember you 'll need a good report from Granny Lawson . " Anna smiled . " You don 't have to worry about that . I 'm going to listen to her and do everything she tells me , no matter how distasteful I think the task is . " She clenched her fists in her lap . " When I board that train for New York in the fall , it will all be worth it . " Uncle Charles shook his head and chuckled . " I 'll leave New York and all its hustle and bustle to you . I prefer to spend my time right here in these mountains . " Anna let her gaze rove over the trees on either side of the road . " Still , maybe you 'll come visit me someday . I can show off the maternity ward ! " He flicked the reins across the horse 's back . " I 've read a lot about that ward . First one in the country . You 'll be fortunate to work there . But don 't forget you may see a lot of babies born this summer while you 're at Granny 's cabin . And there 's not a better place in the world to learn about nursing . She can teach you things you would never learn at Bellevue . Listen to her and do what she says and you 'll be fine . " Anna nodded . " I will . " Her hat slipped to the side , and she reached up and straightened it . " I really can 't thank you enough , Uncle Charles . Everything 's coming together just the way I planned it , and nothing - not even Robert - is going to stand in my way . " " Maybe you 've never listened to Him . " Uncle Charles stared at her a moment . " Like I said , pay attention to what Granny says . She 'll teach you how God uses those He 's chosen to take care of the sick . It isn 't all done with medicine , Anna . A lot of my medical successes - and Granny 's as well - have come about after a lot of prayer . " The buggy hit another bump , and Anna bounced straight up . As far as she could see , the rippling Smoky Mountains stretched out toward the horizon . A plume of wispy fog hung over the valleys . A strange world awaited her out there . Mrs . Johnson , the owner of the inn where they 'd stayed in Pigeon Forge last night , had taken great pleasure in warning her of what she might face in Cades Cove this summer . Anna clasped her hands in her lap and glanced at Uncle Charles . " Mrs . Johnson said the folks who live in Cades Cove don 't take to strangers . " Anna took a deep breath and brushed at the new layer of dust on her skirt . " Oh , not much . Just that everybody knows it 's a closed society in the Cove , but it doesn 't matter because no sensible person would want to live there anyway . She called the people there a strange lot . " Uncle Charles cocked an eyebrow and chuckled . " Is that right ? I hope you didn 't believe her . I know every family in the Cove , and some of them are my good friends . " He hesitated a moment . " Of course you 're going to find some who cause problems - just like you would anywhere else . " Uncle Charles threw back his head and laughed as if he 'd just heard the funniest joke of his life . After a few seconds he shook his head . " Nothing could be further from the truth . There may be a few who give the Cove people a bad reputation , but most of the men work too hard to waste their time on such nonsense . " He reached over and patted her hand . " I wouldn 't leave you in a place where you weren 't safe . Mrs . Johnson may run a good inn , but she 's the worst gossip in these mountains . " Uncle Charles meant well , but doubt still lingered in her mind . Would the people of the Cove accept a stranger into their small community ? And if they didn 't , what good could she possibly do in this place ? She had to succeed . Her future depended on it . She squared her shoulders . There was no turning back . As the day wore on , they found themselves deeper in the hills . As they did , a slow awakening began to dawn in the deepest corner of her soul . She 'd never seen anything as beautiful as the lush growth that covered the vast mountain range . The air now grew cooler , just as she 'd expected it to be , and the sweet smell of mountain laurel mingled with the rhododendrons . As her uncle 's horse , Toby , plodded along the rocky trail that grew steeper with each step , she saw the world through new eyes and stared in awe at the wonders of nature unfolding before her . For the last hour she 'd sat silent and watched the shallow river that flowed beside the road . The water bubbled over rocks like huge stepping - stones scattered across its bed , and the rippling sound had a lulling effect . She wished they could stop so she could pull off her shoes and wade in the cold mountain stream , but there was no time for such fun today . She turned her attention back to the steep hillside on the other side of the road . Uncle Charles glanced at her . " We 're just about to Wear 's Valley . When we get there , we 'll be close to Cades Cove . " Anna wondered if Uncle Charles was tired of her questions about the Cove . She hoped not . She settled in her seat and said , " Tell me more about Cades Cove , Uncle Charles . " He pushed his hat back on his head and stared straight ahead . " Well , if you 've noticed , we 've been following that stream as the road 's climbed . Pretty soon now we 're gonna reach a place where we turn away from it and head into a flat valley right in the middle of the mountains . That 's Cades Cove . It 's almost like God just took His giant hand and tucked a little piece of heaven right down in the Smokies . The land 's fertile - not so many rocks you can 't farm - and completely surrounded by mountains . You 're gonna love it when you see it , Anna . " " How many people live there ? " He pursed his lips and squinted into the distance . " I 'd say there are about two hundred fifty scattered throughout the Cove nowadays . Some left for town life - better work there , you know - but they 'll never find a place that 's as beautiful as these mountains . " " How far is it from Mrs . Lawson 's house to where you live ? " A lump formed in her throat . Now that they were closer , she didn 't want him to leave . She scooted a little closer to him on the bench of the buggy . " Will you stay at Mrs . Lawson 's tonight ? " He shook his head . " No , I 'll have enough daylight left to get home . But don 't worry , I 'll come to the Cove from time to time to check on you . Granny does a good job of taking care of the folks there , but she knows when it 's serious enough to send for me . " Anna clasped her hands in her lap to keep him from seeing them tremble . The time had come to begin the test . She couldn 't fail . She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin . She dredged up all the determination she could muster . No , she wouldn 't fail . It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review ! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance , just click the button . We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books . A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured . The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction , non ~ fiction , for young , or for old . . . or for somewhere in between ! Enjoy your free peek into the book ! THE UTHOR : Laura V . Hilton , of Horseshoe Bend , Arkansas , is a pastor 's wife , mother of five , author and book lover . She 's got a degree in business but her passion has long been the mission of Christian fiction . Her first series , The Amish of Seymour from Whitaker House ( Patchwork Dreams , A Harvest of Hearts , and Promised to Another ) earned praise from critics and fans for originality and authenticity , thanks in part to Laura 's Amish grandmother who taught her Amish culture at a young age , and her husband Steve 's family ties to the Amish community in Webster County , Missouri , which has been helpful in her research . Laura is the author of two novels for Treble Heart Books and a contributor to Zondervan 's It 's The Year Life Verse Devotional . She 's a member of ACFW for whom she writes Amish reviews for the magazine , Afictionado , and a long time reviewer for the Christian Suspense Zone . Laura is a stay - at - home mom , homeschooler , breast cancer survivor and avid blogger who posts reviews at : www . lighthouse - academy . blogspot . com . This book grabbed me from the first chapter . I really felt the characters Kristi and Shane were very believable and I enjoyed it so much I couldn 't put the book down until the end . I can 't wait until the next book in the series . It was easy to read , and the characters came to life on the page . Loved it ! SHORT BOOK DESCRIPTION : Shane Zimmerman , a young veterinarian and widower , is first person on the scene of a serious buggy accident buggy in Webster County , Missouri . He rushes Amish midwife Kristi Lapp , been badly injured in the crash , to the nearest hospital . The two discover they 're next door neighbors and a friendship develops as Shane helps Kristi with her high - energy Siberian husky , Chinook , for whom she can 't properly care because of her leg injuries . Shane hopes to further develop their relationship , but Kristi is leery and discourages him at first - - Shane isn 't Amish ( although his grandparents were ) and Kristi 's father would prefer she marry any aged Amish widower rather than an Englischer - even one with ties to the community who is close to her age . Despite the forces that would keep them apart , the strong attraction Kristi and Shane have for one another grows stronger . As their on - again , off - again relationship persists , Shane must come to grips with his identity and reevaluates why he 's Englisch . Kristi Lapp flicked the reins impatiently . " Kum on , Samson . ' Slow ' isn 't the only speed you 're capable of , ain 't so ? " She needed him to pick up the pace . Silas Troyer had banged on her door earlier to alert her that his frau , Susie , was going into labor , and then he 'd raced down the lane in his horse - and - buggy to notify their family members of the imminent birth . Kristi was especially excited about this boppli . Susie had four girls , all of them a year apart , and she 'd been expecting to have a boy this time , based on how different it had felt carrying him . Mamms usually sensed these things . And Kristi predicted she was right . Several deer stepped onto the road right in front of Kristi , none of them even glancing her way . Smiling , she pulled the reins slightly to the right to direct Samson away from them , over to the side of the road . A similarly sized herd had meandered its way through her family 's backyard the other day , and she 'd always admired the animals for sticking together as they did . She tightened her grip on the reins and gave them another flick , hoping to encourage Samson to move more quickly . As the deer were crossing the center line into the other lane , the powerful roar of an engine broke the serenity of the setting . A red sports car crested the hill up ahead , barreling in Kristi 's direction at a speed she 'd never witnessed on this road . She heaved a breath of exasperation . Any idiot would have noticed one of the several signs that read , " Watch for Buggies . " They were impossible to miss , and Kristi had passed four of them in the last mile alone . As the car whizzed toward her , the herd of deer scattered , darting in different directions . The driver swerved sharply into Kristi 's lane to avoid them , and she gasped , frantically trying to steer the buggy over toward the shoulder . A chill ran up her spine at the sight of the steep embankment and deep ditch below . One of the spooked deer pivoted . Made a mad dash straight toward her horse . Samson reared and immediately took off at a run , straight toward the ditch . " Whoa , Samson ! " Kristi planted her feet against the front of the buggy and pulled back on the reins with all her might . Leave it to Samson to shift into high gear at the worst time . The car sped past , but Samson wouldn 't slow down . He was heading straight for the side of the road . Panic surged through Kristi , constricting her breath . Should she try to jump out ? She dropped the reins and scooted to the edge of the seat . She was too late . The buggy lurched as Samson ran headlong over the embankment . As the vehicle tipped , she was propelled out the side . Hours seemed to pass before her body collided with the ground and pain engulfed her . Teetering on the edge of consciousness , she thought briefly of Susie . How desperately she wanted to be there to assist with the birth of her boppli ! Especially considering the problems she 'd had with her first delivery … . And then she blacked out . Shane Zimmerman flipped on his fog lights to illuminate the low - lying clouds , which created interesting shapes and shadows against the dark backdrop of woods lining the rural Missouri highway . He scanned the area for deer ousted from their natural habitats by hunters . Of course , rutting season also brought them out of hiding . Not that he hunted . He did treat many a pet that had been injured accidentally by a hunter , such as the Great Dane boarding at his clinic while she recovered from the surgical removal of an errant bullet . Shane reached inside the console for a CD - the latest release from LordSong - and slid it into the player . As the uplifting music filled the car , he flexed his shoulders in an effort to relieve the tension of the busy day behind him . He looked forward to getting home and kicking back to read his Bible and watch the evening news . As his Jeep crowned the hill , he tapped the brakes at the sight of a wrecked Amish buggy . He scanned the area , but there was no sign of horse or driver . The animal must have been released and carted home . Or put down , if its injuries had been severe enough . Returning his gaze to the highway , he slowed . A young buck lay on the road , still alive yet struggling . Shane pulled his Jeep to the shoulder , put it in park , and clicked on the hazard lights . Leaving the keys in the ignition , he got out , his heart pounding in time with the obnoxious dinging sound of the car . Cautiously , he approached the deer . Its brown eyes fixed on him , wild with fear . The animal lurched to a standing position for a second but quickly collapsed again on the hard pavement , where it remained . Its labored breaths intensified . Whoever had hit it had driven off , leaving it to die . Was the same person to blame for the buggy accident ? He 'd probably never know . The deer flicked its ears and struggled to its feet again . " I 'm here to help you . " Shane stepped closer , keeping a wary eye on the rack of antlers . It was hardly the biggest he 'd seen , but even small antlers could do hefty damage . With another flick of its ears , the buck struggled to a semi - standing position and limped off to the edge of the road and into the forest . It would surely die , but Shane couldn 't do anything about that . He wasn 't about to chase an injured wild animal through the woods . He didn 't carry much medical gear in his Jeep , anyway , aside from a few larger tools used for treating farm animals . He started back toward his vehicle , but a glance at the buggy lying on its side gave him a strong urge to check it out . No point in hurrying . He rubbed his eyes , weary after a long day at the clinic , and surveyed the scene . The buggy appeared to be abandoned . Then , he moved to the edge of the embankment and gazed down the leaf - covered slope . Something caught his eye . A woman ? Shane squinted . Sure enough , there was an Amish woman , wearing a maroon dress and a black apron . Gold hair peeked out from underneath her white prayer kapp , and a black bonnet hung loosely around her shoulders . " Hello ? " No answer . His breath hitched . Had she hit the deer ? Or had the deer hit her ? He frowned . Accidents caused by deer affected more cars than buggies , by far . Where was the horse ? Heart pounding , he scrambled down through the brush into the ditch . As he crouched beside the woman , his nose caught the metallic odor of blood . The brilliant red on her dress wasn 't part of the fabric . He lifted the hem just enough to spot the injury . Her left leg lay at a weird angle , with a bone protruding from the skin . Definitely broken . His heart sank . He couldn 't help her . His expertise was limited to animals . But he was the only one there . And she needed help - urgently . " Hey . " He touched her left hand . It felt warm . He noted the shallow rise and fall of her chest . His fingers moved down to her wrist , feeling for her pulse . Alive but unresponsive . He reached into his pocket , pulled out his cell phone , and dialed 9 - 1 - 1 . When the dispatcher answered , he said , " I 'd like to report a buggy accident . We need an ambulance . The woman is unconscious and bleeding with a badly broken leg . Looks like a serious injury . " He added their approximate location . Glancing again at the bone sticking out of her skin , Shane shuddered . Animals , he could handle . Humans were too easy to identify with ; their injuries hit too close to home . He leaned down and gently pushed her hair away from her neck . Her pulse was extremely rapid and weak . He breathed a prayer that help would arrive quickly . As he studied her face for the first time , recognition nearly knocked him off balance . This woman lived right next door to him . What were the odds of that ? Her backyard was overrun with weeds , a stark contrast to her meticulously maintained garden in the side yard . He 'd seen her working there many a time . She had the most beautiful dog he 'd ever seen , a Siberian husky . And the thought had dawned on him , more than once , that the dog 's owner was more than usually beautiful , as well . She wasn 't married , as far as he knew . The only other people he 'd spotted next door were an older couple , presumably her parents . Their last name was Lapp , if the stenciling on their mailbox was current . Shane would have to stop by the house to let her family know about the accident . They would probably be worried sick when she didn 't return . The young woman moaned , drawing Shane 's attention . He saw her eyelids flutter slightly , and then her eyes opened . " It 's okay , " he said , gazing as calmly as he could into her grayish - green eyes . " Help is coming . " " The pain … my head … my leg … . " She winced as tears filled her eyes . " Who are you ? I 've seen you before . " " I 'm Shane Zimmerman . Your next - door neighbor . " He reached for her hand , hesitated , then folded his fingers gently around hers . As their skin connected , he was startled by the jolt that shot through his fingertips and gained intensity as it traveled through his hand and up his arm . He had no explanation , other than his being overly tired . " You 'll be fine , " he assured her . She only moaned again and closed her eyes . Shane stared down at her bloodstained skirt and saw that the fabric was saturated . He grimaced . She needed help fast , or she 'd bleed out . Animal or human , he didn 't want death on his hands tonight . God , help me . Shane let go of her hand and yanked his sweatshirt up and over her head . He lifted her skirt again and pressed the garment against her wound , knowing he could be introducing harmful germs . But there wasn 't a choice . He tried to make her as comfortable as he could without letting up the pressure . Even though she didn 't rouse again , he explained every measure he took , from applying pressure to strapping his belt as a tourniquet around her leg . Then , he sang a couple of Amish songs , the ones he remembered learning from his grandparents . His father had left the Amish as young man , choosing to marry Shane 's mom , who wasn 't Amish . But Shane had often spent entire summers with his grandparents . Time hung in the air as he waited for help to arrive . Finally , there was a screech of brakes and a rumble of gravel on the road above , followed by the sound of a vehicle door opening . " Down here ! " Shane called . Seconds later , an EMT carrying a medical bag peeked over the embankment . " Ambulance is right behind me . You didn 't move her , did you ? " " No . But she 's bleeding profusely . I did what I could to slow it down . " The man half climbed , half slid , down the slope toward Shane . " I 've got some emergency flares in the back of my truck . Mind setting them out while I take a look at her ? " Shane did as he 'd been asked , then walked over to the buggy to inspect it more closely . The leather harness straps dangled with frayed ends , indicating that the horse had broken free , possibly when the buggy tipped . He checked the immediate area and even wandered a ways into the woods for signs of a wounded animal , but no clues turned up . The roar of sirens in the distance beckoned him back to the site of the wreck . In his Jeep , he found a rag and wiped off his bloody hands while he thought out the statement he 'd make to the police . An ambulance screeched to a stop beside the pickup , lights flashing , and a police cruiser pulled up alongside . It wasn 't long before the ambulance wailed away again , spiriting its nameless passenger toward the hospital in Springfield . After Shane had finished answering the police officer 's questions , he started the two - mile trip home , keeping his eyes peeled for an injured horse . He passed his own small plot of land without any sign of the animal . He pulled into the driveway next door , hurried up to the house , and pounded on the front door . No response . After several moments , he knocked again . He knew that the Amish generally kept their doors unlocked , but he didn 't feel comfortable opening the door and hollering into the hallway of a stranger 's house . He rapped one more time , just to be sure . " Hey ! " Shane turned around and saw a man on the front porch of the house across the street . The man started down the steps . " Can I help you ? " " I 'm looking for Ms . Lapp 's family . She was in a buggy accident . " " Donald Jackson . Me an ' the wife live here . " Shane stretched his mouth into a tight smile . " Shane Zimmerman . Neighbor on the other side . " " Oh , the new guy . Vet , right ? Welcome to Seymour . " " Thanks . " It hardly seemed appropriate to exchange pleasantries when someone 's life was hanging in the balance . Shane shifted his weight . " Does she have any family ? " Donald shrugged . " Everyone has some . See her parents and other people around from time to time . Sometimes lots of buggies over there . Besides , ain 't the Amish all related ? Heard that somewhere . " " Seems that way sometimes . " Okay , this man was no help . A howl from the backyard reminded Shane about the Siberian husky . " I 'm going to check on the dog . " He strode down the porch steps and made his way around the side of the house . Donald trailed him . " Barn 's always unlocked , I 'm pretty sure , so you could get the dog 's food . I never see her lock it , anyway . But then , I don 't watch her twenty - four - seven or anything . " Shane raised an eyebrow . This Donald apparently watched her often enough to know about the barn door and the dog food . " Nice meeting you , Donald . I 'll just make sure the dog has fresh water , and then I 'll go . " He needed to find someone Amish to notify . Seeing the red and white Siberian husky in a large kennel in the backyard , Shane opened the gate and went in , shutting it behind him . The dog whined and jumped up , wrapping him in a sort of canine embrace . Shane hugged her back . This breed was so affectionate . He rubbed her neck , then stepped back , picked up her metal water dish , and headed for the outside spigot , which he 'd spotted on his way to the backyard . The dog followed closely at his feet , growling in a friendly way , as if she carried on a one - sided conversation . At the spigot , Shane filled the dish with cold water , then checked the barn door . It was unlocked , as Donald had said it 'd be . Shane stopped and scratched the dog behind her ears . " I 'll be back later to get you some food . " He hesitated . " No , I 'll do it now . " He turned back to the barn and slid both wobbly doors open , going into the darkness . He paused , wishing for his flashlight , then remembered that his Amish grandfather had always kept a lantern near the door . He turned back and groped along a shelf , finally feeling the familiar metal base of a lantern . Next to it was a book of matches , one of which he used to light the wick . It didn 't seem right , being in a stranger 's barn , but the dog would be hungry . He found the dog food and bent down to scoop some into the dish . Then , he straightened and looked around . This was an Amish farm . There 'd be other animals to bed down . Cows . Chickens . Horses . He sighed . A nicker sounded , and Shane turned to the door . Ah , the prodigal buggy horse , dragging the frayed strands of a harness . Shane spoke softly to the animal as he grabbed hold of one of the harness straps , and then he led it back to an empty stall . The dog followed , whining all the way . Shane gave the sweaty horse a rubdown , checking it for injuries . Nothing seemed amiss , other than the wild look in its eyes and the way it kept tossing its head , probably responses to the trauma of the accident . When Shane had calmed the horse as best he could , he glanced around again . He knew thStill , he wanted to go to the hospital to check on Ms . Lapp . Why did she still weigh so heavily on his mind ? He 'd done his duty to her , a stranger . His decision made , he returned the dog to her kennel . Before closing the door , he gave her another rub behind the ears . " I 'll be back . " The dog flopped down on the ground with a reproachful whimper , as if he were abandoning her in her time of greatest need . " Your master was in an accident , but she 'll be okay , " Shane explained . " I hope . " He crouched down to the dog 's level . " I 'm going to the hospital right now to check on her . " With another whine , the dog lowered her head to rest on her front paws . Apparently , she had resigned herself to his departing . Shane drove home for a quick shower , then got back in his Jeep to head to the hospital . First , though , he stopped by the farm on the other side of his property . The mailbox there also said " Lapp , " and he figured the residents had to be relatives of the injured woman . Seconds after he pulled into the driveway , a man came out into the yard . Shane introduced himself and asked for confirmation that this family was related to the other Lapps , specifically the young woman with the Siberian husky . The man frowned . " Jah , we 're family . I 'm Kristi 's onkel . Timothy . I 'm caring for their livestock while her parents are visiting family in Sarasota . I was getting ready to head over there . " Shane proceeded to tell Timothy about the accident . For a relative of Kristi 's , he processed the information rather stoically , Shane thought . Timothy took a step back . " Nein , I 'll contact the bishop , and he 'll get the word out . And I 'll make a call down to Florida to tell her parents . " Timothy headed back to the barn , and Shane drove away , wondering why was he was taking the time to go to the hospital and check on a woman he didn 't even know . He probably wouldn 't find out anything , thanks to the strict privacy policy . But still , something drew him . At the hospital , Shane went directly to the emergency wing and approached the front desk . " Kristi Lapp , please . " The receptionist nodded and checked something on her computer . Then , she looked up with a sympathetic smile . " If you 'll take a seat in the waiting room , a doctor will be out to talk with you in just a few minutes . " She must be in more serious condition than he 'd thought . Shane went down the hall to the waiting area , where he was relieved to find a coffeemaker . He poured himself a coffee and watched several minutes of the sitcom playing on the TV mounted on the wall overhead . As the only person in the room , he had his choice of seats . He selected a chair in a corner and picked up a magazine from the end table next to it . However , the contents didn 't appear to be any more interesting than the drama he was caught up in , so he put it back . Instead of reading , he prayed for Kristi and for the doctors working on her . It felt strange praying for a woman he didn 't know and waiting for an update from the doctor , as if she meant something special to him . But it seemed she did , even though he 'd just met her . Did their brief interaction even count as a meeting ? He wasn 't sure . All he knew was that he hadn 't felt this strong a connection with a woman since Becca . Immediately he dismissed the thought . He was glad he 'd found out her name . Calling her " Ms . Lapp " seemed so wrong . Plus , he probably wouldn 't have been permitted to see her if the hospital staff thought he was a stranger . At last , a doctor came into the room . " Family for Kristi Lapp . " Shane blew out a breath . Family he wasn 't , but he was the only person there for her . Hopefully , the doctor wouldn 't ask how he was related . He got up , feeling a twinge of guilt at his act of impersonation . The doctor led him into a private conference room and gestured for him to sit down . " She 's in recovery . We 've given her a blood transfusion , and we 'll be monitoring her hemoglobin and hematocrit - that is , blood values . As soon as we 're sure they are in the normal range , she 'll be referred to an orthopedic surgeon for a procedure we abbreviate as ORIF : open reduction internal fixation . " " Open reduction - that 's how we put the bone back in the position it 's supposed to be . And internal fixation is how we stabilize it - with a rod down the center of the bone and plates on either side , to keep it in the position it 's supposed to be in until nature takes her course and it heals completely . The plates may be removed later , as long as the bone heals well . Also , her femoral artery was nicked , but she 'll be fine . Lost a lot of blood . We had to give her three units . She 's going to have substantial bruising and probably be in considerable pain . " " Not yet . But brain activity is normal , and we expect no complications . " " Thank you . " Shane stood up and started for the door . " If you want to wait , I 'll have a nurse come and show you to her room . " Kristi woke up in an unfamiliar room filled with odd beeping noises . Straight ahead , a television was mounted on the celery - green wall . To her right was a beige - colored curtain ; to her left , a big , dark window . The hospital . How did she get here ? Someone must have found her . What about Samson ? What had happened to him ? Had Susie birthed her boppli ? Kristi groaned and shifted on the bed , noticing the bedside table with a plastic pitcher of water and an empty tumbler . And … flowers ? She smiled at the vase holding six pink rosebuds , a cluster of baby 's breath , and some other greenery . Who would have sent a bouquet ? Maybe the person who 'd found her . With great effort , she reached with her right arm toward the table , pain washing over her anew . It seemed every part of her body ached . Despite the discomfort , she extended her arm just far enough to snatch the white envelope from the plastic forklike thing tucked into the bouquet . Her left hand had an IV needle stuck in it , taped down . She grimaced at the sight . She 'd have a bruise there , probably , but that would be the least of her injuries . Even with her pain - blurred vision , which made it seem as if the room was spinning , she could tell from the shape of the blanket that covered her legs how swollen they were . Her left leg , in particular - that 's where most of the pain radiated from . Wincing with effort , she tore open the envelope and pulled out a plain white card . The message written inside was simple : Sweet , but it must have been intended for another patient . She didn 't know anybody by the name of Shane Zimmerman . Or did she ? Her head pounded as she tried to figure it out . No one came to mind . Maybe this mystery man would come to the hospital to see her . She pressed the card to her chest and closed her eyes , imagining a tall , handsome Amish man . Hopefully , when she fell asleep , he would visit her in her dreams . The Lassoed in Texas Series , Petticoat Ranch , Calico Canyon and Gingham Mountain . Petticoat Ranch was a Carol Award Finalist . Calico Canyon was a Christy Award Finalist and a Carol Award Finalist . These three books are now contained in one large volume called Lassoed in Texas Trilogy . Seth Kincaid survived a fire in a cave , but he 's never been the same . He was always a reckless youth , but now he 's gone over the edge . He ran off to the Civil War and came back crazier than ever . After the war , nearly dead from his injuries , it appears Seth got married . Oh , he 's got a lot of excuses , but his wife isn 't happy to find out Seth doesn 't remember her . Callie has searched , prayed , and worried . Now she 's come to the Kincaid family 's ranch in Colorado to find her lost husband . Callie isn 't a long - suffering woman . Once she knows her husband is alive , she wants to kill him . She 's not even close to forgiving him for abandoning her . Then more trouble shows up in the form of a secret Seth 's pa kept for years . The Kincaid brothers might lose their ranch if they can 't sort things out . It 's enough to drive a man insane - - but somehow it 's all making Seth see things more clearly . And now that he knows what he wants , no one better stand in his way . The long awaited ending to this great series . . I couldn 't wait to find out how Seth Kincaid found his wife , and what happened to the stolen money . You will find this and much more including romance , suspense and adventure . . I couldn 't put this book down until the end ! Great series . I highly recommend reading this series from the beginning but you could read just this one and still know what 's going on but you 'll miss all the adventure of the other two Kincaid brothers from the first two books ! ! Love it ! It 's that time of year again . WOW ! Back to school . . I know a lot of people get excited about their children going off for the day but not me . I love waking up each day with my children home with me and to watch them learn alongside you each day of their lives . It 's amazing . . Along with that , this time of year gives me the pleasure to get all the curriculum together . A fresh start to a new school year . It 's like Christmas Day for me . . My daughter will be doing Dual Enrollment at the College of Technology here in town . She will be taking one class for the Fall Semester as she finishes up the requirements to graduate in the Spring 2013 . She will finish up all her requirements by Christmas to open up her schedule to go full time at the college come January 2013 which she will concentrate on core subjects . * Notgrass - Exploring Government I hope to post each week so check back . Next week is School Room Week . I 'll post some pictures of the school room and my organization . Until then . . . . WOW ! I can 't get over how fast Summer has flown by . It 's already August . My birthday is fast approaching on the 7th . Sheesh ! I 'll be the big 3 . . 8 . . . I 'm planning the cake I 'll be starting over the weekend . In my head it looks awesome so we will see what it will actually look like when completed . . Right now , I 'm just finishing up copies and such for school which will start here on August 20th . I decided to design my own lesson planner for my 8th grade son . He 's pretty independant with his school work minus a couple subjects this year so I needed to have a lesson planner that would work for me . One that will allow me enough space to write down his assignments with all the directions needed so he can work alone . This is much much better than the spiral bound notebook I 've been doing for the past three years . This is going to save me so much time each week . Lovin ' it ! I plan to take it down to Office Max tomorrow and get it spiral bound and a cover put on it . Once it 's all assembled , I 'll take a picture of it and post it . Things are going really well here . My DD17 has officially decided to live here for her Senior Year which makes this mama totally excited and blessed . It 's going to be a great year watching her turn into an adult this October . 18 already . I just feel like her life has flashed before my eyes and now I will soon have an adult child . I just don 't feel old enough ! She is officially enrolled in Montana State University - College of Technology for the Fall . She will be taking one class equally 3 credits as part of the dual enrollment program . She 'll get college credit and high school credit for this class while homeschooling . She decided that one class this semester will be enough since she has a couple more credits to fulfill her high school requirements for graduation . She hopes to go full time come Spring Semester which will be 12 credits . She 's also out picking up applications for her first ever job . I 'm so proud of her . How she 's taking charge of her life . It brings happy Mama tears in my eyes watching her grow into a wonderful woman . She had her first job interview today for Office Max . She hopes to know by early next week if she got the job . She 's still filling out applications just in case this one doesn 't work out . On top of that , she 's been out driving and hoping to get her driver 's license before Christmas . She 's vastly improving her driving skills everytime she goes out . I have all my curriculum purchased and it 's here . I got it organized . . finally . . . and just now finishing up the copies portion of my school organization . I 've decided this year to make ALL my copies for the entire year now ! I have a system I 'm using that has file folders , and color coded folders that are broken up into four quarters . Each quarter of the school year is represented by a color . I will have all the copies put into each week 's folder so all I have to do is pull the folder out on Friday the previous week to see if I need any supplies for lab work in science or history crafts for my DS10 . This is going to streamline MY work and free me up for time to grade papers and such instead of lesson planning . I look foward to seeing how well this works . This past year I felt like I wasn 't prepared everytime my son came to me for a test that I hadn 't scanned or printed out yet . Now that is all done and ready for him . On another subject . . . . . With my 30 + pound weightloss over these past several months I also lost weight in my hands . I haven 't been able to wear my wedding ring for sometime because it would just slide off my finger . I finally figured I probably won 't lose anymore weight in my hands . . fingers crossed . . . so I took it down to get resized . It looks like it went from a 7 1 / 4 down to a 6 . I hope to get it back from the jeweler by the 8th . It will be nice to be able to wear it again . Not sure if I 've posted this but I 've decided NOT to run the half marathon this September . I was getting really burnt out on the aggressive running schedule and I was losing the love for running so I felt that had to go . Which for me is just fine . I got the idea and a huge nudge to run a half this year from my running buddy . I thought it would be great but it was just moving me to quickly and I didn 't want to run anymore . So now , I 'm running for the fun . Like today . . . Hubby and I went for a run with the boys on their bikes . We started out on the paved trail and then found an awesome dirt trail just off the paved one and took some great hills and the scenery was breathtaking . At the best part . . it was just by our house but you couldn 't tell at all that the city was just over the hill . It was awesome ! I finished my run off with a 2 mile bike ride home using the bike DS13 was riding ( which was mine anyway ) . My DD17 had her job interview and the run took longer than planned so I hopped on the bike and hubby and the boys walked the rest of the way home . Man , talk about a workout . All I needed was a little swim in there somewhere and I 'd have done a triathalon . . hee hee ! ! Well . . 16 more days until the start of school . I hope to post about school curriculum , photos of the kids , schoolroom photos and the day in the life of our school while I join in on the meme of Not Back to School Blog Hop which starts this Monday . Look for my post in a few days on the curriculum we will be using for all three kiddos ! Until then . . . |
I 'm coming to you today from my wonderful , lovely , fabulous , spectacular COMPUTER ! ! ! It 's a long story . I 'll make it short . . . kind of . Since my computer didn 't arrive Tuesday , I started tracking it Wednesday . Around 3 : 00 I got an email that said it had been delivered . WHAT ? ? I ran around outside in 115 degree heat to find it . In a panic , I called FedEx who said they delivered it , even got a signature . I yelled pretty loudly while running to all the houses in the neighborhood banging on the doors . I found it two houses away where the FedEx gal had not asked to verify the name OR the address . She just left it there . I unboxed my beauty and hit the start button . Imagine my surprise when I read " cannot transfer data . . . incorrect operating system " . I 'm usually a wimp . I let people take advantage of me , overcharge me , not do what they say , and I do nothing . I hate confrontation . NOT THIS TIME ! ! I was mad because they had wiped the hard drive clean , meaning Photoshop was gone with the wind and access to all my images was gone with it . All my pictures are RAW and PSD files , which cannot be opened unless you have the correct program on your computer . I can 't even find out whether photoshop can still be used because instead of installing the operating system I had , they installed one that was three years old . I went ballistic ! ! At least I called first , giving them fair warning . I ' M MAD AND YOU NEED TO FIX THIS ! ! I drove an hour to the Apple store . I made it perfectly clear I was as mad as a wet hen . I wasn 't waiting 30 minutes or even 5 minutes . They needed to fix this NOW ! ! I related the story , including running around the neighborhood trying to find my computer . They could have cared less . I got louder . People started talking . They finally got their " best " specialist to help me , who agreed to install the correct operating system AND my backup . Just sign here that if we lose all your data it 's not our fault . My tolerance level hit the floor . When Zack , one of the managers came over and tried to say " okay , maybe we better just not do anything . . not touch your machine at all " , I exploded . . . and I 'm NOT sorry . I told him in no uncertain terms to shut up . Don 't try using reverse psychology on me because it won 't work . I 'm NOT signing another " you aren 't responsible " statement . You aren 't even IN this conversation ! ! At long last the " best " suggested he install the operating system , make sure the backup is going to work , then let me do the backup at home . That 's what we did . Once it was installed , I got a Tech on the phone , who tweeked things here and there . Believe it or not , my Photoshop actually worked . All my images came back on the computer and it WORKED . I cried . Here 's a picture of my patio to prove it ! ! So maybe sometimes you DO have to be a crazed , bitchy old lady and create a BIG commotion to finally get people to pay attention . Not that it made them care . . . they STILL didn 't care one little bit , but by golly THIS time they fixed their screwup . Which begs the question , if it worked this time and Photoshop is still there , why didn 't it work three years ago when I had to do the same type of backup ? ? Sooooo . . . now to catch up little by little ! Here 's the doe and her not - so - little baby that treated me to a visit a few days ago . They never come at the same time of day , but have visited me three times . Baby was just as wary as Mom . . she has taught him well . . as they snacked on the trees and had long drinks at the bucket . In the interest of keeping this short , I 'll stop with the pictures and show you more tomorrow . In the meantime , to prevent anything like this happening again , because I don 't think I can take another incidence of steam coming out my ears and my head exploding , I 'm doing a once - a - week backup , which takes just a few minutes ( previously I only did one every 6 months ) . I 'm also going to subscribe to Photoshop from the net , although I 'm not sure my little MiFi can handle that . You have to connect to your internet service , then the application , which remains on THEIR server in the sky . The downside is the amount of data you use every time you sign on . Now to check my bank accounts and see just how much damage I 've done . Hopefully I won 't be crying AGAIN ! ! ! Posted by Seems we are in a cooling trend . It was 100 degrees yesterday morning at 9 : 00 , cranking it up to 115 by afternoon . Hot is hot . I could barely tell the difference , although my huge new air conditioning unit could barely keep up . Luckily there are ceiling fans throughout the house , so I was cool as a cucumber . Then it rained . I kid you not . Today should be 98 - that 's the cooling part . Even though I have only seen the one creepy crawly , I called Eric from the Pest Control Service to come spray and to discuss critter control . That 's mainly pack rats . They are exceptionally good at destroying your engine wiring . With my new flashing lights under the rig , I hope it won 't be a problem . That reminds me , I forgot to check and see if they are working ! ! The critter for the day showed up in the dark this morning - that 's 3 : 30 in case you were wondering . Grunt grunt huff grunt . Rather scared me at first - I was thinking coyote . I was also up since Miss Jessie was sick again . I silently made my way outside to the patio . PIGS ! ! ! Wasn 't I surprised to see Javalinas or peccaries , depending on where you come from . Of course they knocked the deer water bucket over . I made a mad dash for my camera . I got a couple pictures ( my camera sees in the dark ) but I 've no idea how they came out . Maybe I 'll find out today since my computer will arrive before 4 : 30 according to FedEx . Finally ! ! ! ! I 'm still praying for Photoshop . Otherwise , I 'm thinking it will take a couple days of frustration before figuring out how to work with the cloud . The downside is waiting here all day for its delivery when I could be shopping . Not that I have any money left - but you know , window shopping ! ! Time to go rebuild the water station ! ! If I 'm really lucky you 'll have pictures tomorrow ! ! ! The predicted 110 didn 't happen , although Tucson was reminiscent of a toaster oven . I went way down yonder early in the morning to return $ 100 worth of stuff I didn 't need to Home Depot . By 11 : 00 it was 108 , but in heading back home , it cooled off to 105 at my house . A good day to stay inside and practice my list making skills . DEER ! ! ! Momma and her baby came back for a quick snack and a drink as did five bunnies . I think I should instill more wild traits in my puppies . Even the birds dont get up until 7 : 00 . It 's been a lovely couple of nights with Miss Jessie getting sick around 1 : 00 am . Nothing wakes me up faster than a dog getting sick on my bed ! ! I was finally able to contact the pest control service to be sure there was nothing in the back yard she might get in to . Nothing - nada he said . It 's good to know these things - and since he gave me a good description of scorpions , rest assured I have NOT seen one - YET ! ! I even took a shot at trimming the bushes early in the morning while it was still cool . The roses look much better and I now have an unobstructed view of the water station . It 's so peaceful and quiet , except for the occasional train which I love to watch . Yesterday I saw an entire train of HumVees , tanks and military equipment going by . What a sight to behold ! ! I was home by 11 : 00 and stayed inside the rest of the day . I 've discovered my tolerance for heat is better than I thought , except at night . I 've changed the AC settings a dozen times to where I 'm comfortable . That night setting of 83 just isn 't going to hack it . I need cool to sleep . I 'll sacrifice a daytime degree or two to have cool nights . With last months bill a total of $ 80 - that 's right , $ 80 for a month - I can splurge a little ! ! In California that bill would be $ 400 . I kid you not ! ! ! In other news , the computer repair is done ( I found you could actually check its progress on line ) and should be in the mail today . Hopefully I 'll have it by tomorrow at the latest , just in time to be totally frustrated by it . Computers are like that . I envision losing my Photoshop program and having to download from the cloud with my not - so - powerful Verizon MiFi . Another trip to Way Down Yonder may be required . Another scorcher is predicted for today , so I better get going . I picked up some solar blinking lights for under the rig . Dan says they keep the dreaded pack rats away . Between rid - a - rat , the lights and my pest guy , I should be safe - maybe ! ! ! I 've been wondering why I haven 't heard any coyotes since arriving a few weeks ago . Even so , I 'm always leery about letting the puppies out . I have a fenced in yard , but it 's only about 30 inches high . We had lots of coyotes on the ranch back in the day and would lose kitties to them occasionally . Mr Chance kept saying they were here , you just couldn 't see them . Well this morning I caught site of coyote butt ! ! Even with the 104 temperature yesterday , it cools off overnight . At 5 : 00 every morning I let the dogs out with a watchful eye for snakes , then close just the screen door . All that nice cool air comes inside on the morning breeze . Just as I looked up , I saw something moving through the scrub brush . Deer ? ? Nope , too small . Rabbit ? Nope , too big for a rabbit . Bobcat - one has been seen here before . Then I saw it . Coyote butt ! ! ! BIG coyote butt ! ! TWO of them . As big as German shepherd dogs , they trotted by before I could grab my camera , paying no attention whatsoever to the dog smells all over my yard . They were too fast for a picture . Maybe next time . I was wondering why the little critters didn 't come out early when it 's cool . Now I know . Bunnies and quail never show up until 9 : 00 . How exciting - something to test my camera and stalking skills ! ! I hope all you guys had a nice Fathers Day . Patty , Dan and I went to Saguaro Corners for a huge John Wayne burger . You can 't beat a burger covered in cheese , barbecue sauce , bacon and crispy onions ! ! ! The weather guessers say 107 for the next three days . Probably a good idea to stay inside . What about my computer you ask ? I 'm calling them today . Pray I get some good news . Even I ' M bored reading my blog with no pictures ! ! ! To all the Dads and Stepdads out there , Happy Fathers Day ! ! I hope you have a great day with family and friends ! Even if you hate that tie , wear it anyway ! ! In my world of scary electrical wiring , I 'd like to tell you about the great job I did yesterday . I cannot lie . I did absolutely nothing , even after watching the You Tube how to 's on wiring a 50 amp plug . If you need help , don 't call me . Call Dan or my friend Nick Russell , now that he 's home from his one week trip through RV Hell ! ! ! We ran into a little trouble because neither Dan nor I can read print that small when it 's black on black . Dan got one side hot and even though we were BOTH totally hot in 96 degree sun , that second leg just wouldn 't produce . I called Handyman Bob . Turns out he 's used to reading small print , not to mention he can actually see . Problem solved . Dan hooked up the second box like a pro and we were in business . Then he spent some tractor time filling in the trench with me on the shovel . I really wasn 't much help . Up next , spread 25 tons of gravel over the dirt . The first bucket spewed out so much dust we couldn 't breathe . With the neighbor 's driveway full of limousines , I saw a big car wash bill in my future . I got out the hose and tried to control the dust as best I could . At least he couldn 't say we didn 't try . It actually worked pretty well . Try as I might , pictures still won 't load . I wish I could say my computer is fixed but I have no idea . The 3 - 4 days turns out to be NOT including the shipping days , and of course not Saturday and Sunday either . So after raking and shoveling while gulping down 8 bottles of water , Dan and I finished the job . I parked the rig and did a test run on it 's AC . It worked just perfectly . I think I only have a 100 amp service , so I 'll have to watch the load I put on it , but I don 't have to worry about the fridge and vent fans any more . YAY ! ! ! ! I can 't thank Patty and Dan enough for doing all this work for me . I think I 'll be buying hamburgers for Dan for the next ten years . I 'm pretty much set now , with every item checked off my list . There are still things I could use for the house , but they will have to wait . Honestly , I can get by with what I have , but a Breville oven would be nice . Considering I exceeded my budget by $ 2 , 000 it will have to wait . I really need my computer back to see where I 'm actually at ! ! In the meantime , I 'm slathering sunscreen all over my neck where I got sunburned . It 's a small price to pay for my fabulous RV parking place . Time to relax and enjoy ! ! ! As you may know , Mr Chance has a tractor . A backhoe to be exact . Nothing comes in handier than a backhoe when you have 48 feet of 24 " trench to dig . Once we figured out where to dig , Dan put in some hard labor at the end of a shovel to get past the gas and power lines at the beginning . That was certainly interesting finding wires that went nowhere . On the other end , Dan dug a hole for the pedestal . I 'm allergic to shovels . About that time the last load of gravel came for the driveway . I was cornered . Time to pay the piper Harvey Trucking for a total of 12 loads . Ouch ! ! ! With that completed , we headed off to Lowes for supplies . I 'm sure I saw tears coming from my credit card . Then came the hard work . Dan on the tractor and me in the trench with the shovel ( I broke out in a rash from the allergic reaction ) we crossed the driveway in an hour or so . Time for pulling wire through the conduit . We did it one piece at a time to preclude any problems . Since I was in the hole , Dan gave me the blue goo . Be careful not to get that on you . It was too late . Blued and glued , we finished in no time . While I ran off to pick up the actual power box , Dan installed a water line . Might as well have it all while the trench is open . Today the handyman / contractor will come by to double check our work and wire the box . Maybe I 'll have power for the rig by noon . In the meantime , I 'm watching Miss Jessie closely . Last night she either pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve . She 's stove up like a rock . She 's walking , but you can tell she 's hurting . Either way , there 's not much I can do . I 'll give it til Monday . It 's heating up in the high desert . Although Tucson and Green Valley show highs of 117 ( OH MOMMA ) , it 's only getting to 108 here in Vail . Which reminds me - Dans son Mark has a pool and they are out of town . I may just have to sneak over there ! ! Or maybe its time to hit the road ! ! ! Next on the list - electrical connection for the RV . All I know about electricity is to flip the switch . Just to prove it , when I headed off to town , I couldn 't get the garage door to work . I sprayed lubricant on the track . It didn 't help . Eventually I figured out none of the lights worked and went to the main panel . I flipped the 20 amp switch and what do you know - power ! ! I was off to Home Depot for a pressure treated 4x4 . None existed of course . I seem to have that problem with MEN stores . Next stop Lowes where a nice guy in aisle 435 helped me find them . It 's a big store ! ! With all my seats down my big $ 11 8 foot long purchase fit in my Jeep with room to spare . Upon arriving home , I called Handyman Bob . He 's a retired contractor in my area who has agreed to help with the electrical connections . I 'm not sure of my level of confidence , but the Electrical Contractor wanted $ 400 . $ 150 for parts , $ 250 for labor . That 's pretty steep . Since Mr Chance will be overseeing the whole thing , I think I 'll be okay , since Dan wired the plugs at his house . Day two without my computer . The withdrawal symptoms are beginning to nag at me . Can 't check my accounts - have no idea if I 've any money left - and can 't process my pictures , not to mention typing my blog on a teeny tiny screen where I can 't even see most of the words . You 'll be happy to know the deer have not been here in a couple days , so you won 't be inundated with photos upon the computers return . I apologize for bad English and misspelled words . Proofreading is not the easiest when constantly scrolling . Other than what a dummy or oh $ # ¥&@ ? ! ! there are no words to explain it . It 's my fault 100 % for having a glass of water on the table . I spilled it when I reached behind the computer . I admit I said a lot of bad words when the display went black . Bottom line , it got wet , it has to be sent off for repairs . I 'm banging my head against the wall as I type because here 's the deal - it 's not just any computer . It 's a very specialized hand built computer for photography with extra equipment not found on your normal MacBook Pro . A replacement can be built for $ 4100 plus shipping and warranty . The repair will take 4 days and cost $ 1500 . That 's an expense I didn 't need right now . I almost cried . It 's not that I don 't have the money , I have a savings account for emergencies . I just thought that emergency would be something more like the start of my RV cover ! ! I think I 'll go drown my sorrows in a case of Pepsi ! In the meantime you will get a reprieve from deer pictures . I can post , but can 't upload images . I 'll probably get instant arthritis in my thumb since the keyboard is so small on my phone . The other " happening " yesterday was the cutie pie electrician who showed up for my rigs 50 amp service . Not much for him to do since Dan is doing all the hard work with the tractor . I should get his estimate today if I can figure out how to get to all my junk mail on my phone , since that 's where it will go first . My entire schedule has changed . It 's funny how I 've become so dependent on that computer . I do have a backup , but of course it 's home with all my password info . So sorry Charlie , you shouldn 't have ANY liquid on the table ! ! While waiting at the fancy Mall that is LaEncantada , I stopped in at Crate and Barrel where one glass cost $ 12 and a cookie scoop $ 28 . I 'm definitely on the wrong side of town ! I spotted Williams Sonoma where the cookie scoop was only $ 15 . I guess I 've become a Walmart Girl . On my way home I ordered a pizza from Arizona Pizza Company . Maybe THAT would make me feel better ! ! ! So - it 's a waiting game until my baby is repaired and back home ! ! I try very hard not to get ripped off by unscrupulous people . Yesterday I failed miserably . It 's a little harder to look things up on your phone than the computer , but I do it all the time . I know to watch out for " Ads " and only click on REAL links to REAL businesses . I looked up Vail Locksmiths , called and made an appointment to rekey the locks . The first order of business was HOW MUCH was this going to cost . $ 20 per lock and $ 20 service call . Okay , I can deal with that . 15 minutes AFTER the appointed time , they called to say they would be 90 minutes late . I won 't be here . . . I rescheduled . This time ten minutes after the appointed time , the tech called to say he would be 15 minutes late . 35 minutes later , he finally showed up in an unmarked truck . My radar antenna went up . He looked at the locks and started counting up each dead bolt AND door lock . No I said , I only want the deadbolts keyed . " Oh , but you 'll get locked out for sure " he stated . The total would have been EIGHT giving him a nice chunk of change . No . . . just the deadbolts . It took him about 30 minutes , whereupon he wrote up the bill and tacked on an additional $ 99 for labor . Wait . . . no one said anything about labor . They said $ 20 per lock ! ! Well they should have told you . . . you can pay me now . This guy looks like a pretty unsavory character , he 's bigger than me and I 'm pretty intimidated by this time . Since he couldn 't get one lock done ( a bad dead bolt , he tried to sell me one for another $ 25 ) , he dropped $ 40 off the bill , so I paid him just to get him out of my house . As I went out the back door to watch him drive off , I immediately noticed he put the lock on backwards . The locking mechanism was on the OUTSIDE of the door . Good grief . I ran to the truck and told him . . . he came back and turned it around and left in a huff . When I double checked it , he didn 't tighten it down at all . I grabbed a screwdriver and went around to every lock to make sure they were all installed correctly . The last dead bolt was in the garage . I went to Lowes and found one for $ 12 which I installed MYSELF . He would have charged me $ 65 . . . $ 25 for the lock and $ 20 for each side , since he said it was a double dead bolt . WHAT A RIPOFF ! ! ! I was so irritated that I let this happen that I closed my finger in the car door and badly broke my nail . Nothing like adding insult to injury ! ! This picture is MY handiwork . The second disaster happened shortly thereafter . By then , it was afternoon , so I grabbed a glass of water and sat down at the computer . I reached behind the screen and hit the glass , dumping it on the table and floor . Instantly I picked up the computer , but apparently it was too late . The screen went black . WHAT ? ? ? Once I cleaned up the mess , I called Apple ( luckily I got one of their most experienced Techs ) and we ran check after check . Finally , he told me how to hook it up to the television and VOILA . . . I have a computer screen as big as a TV . Here 's my morning 's work station . It 's a little disconcerting to have the pictures you are looking at as big as my head and the letters half an inch high , but it does make it easier to read . The worst of all . . . I have to travel 45 minutes across town to the Apple store for diagnostics and repairs , meaning I will probably be without my computer for several days . Want to hear the BAD news ? It 's going to cost between $ 500 and $ 1000 to fix . What a stupid mistake on top of a big fat ripoff . I should have stayed in bed . I 'm a whipped pup this morning . . . I feel bad because it 's really nothing compared to what Nick and Terry Russell are going through . They have had some very bad luck on their trip to Arizona after having parked their rig for several months . Things just have a way of deteriorating . All their troubles may have happened anyway , but it 's sure disheartening . I 'm sending them lots of love and prayers . I 'm hoping today will go a little better as the electrical contractor comes over for the 50 amp service installation estimate . Thank goodness this time Mr . Chance will be here to run interference . The first time I spoke to the guy he sounded enthusiastic and willing to do the work . The second time , not so much . My computer appointment is at 5 : 45 this evening . Here 's hoping I get good news ! ! If not , I can still post with my phone , but I can 't upload images . . . so no more deer pics for awhile ! ! My Kind Of Visitor ! ! If you 're talking to me , I really AM paying attention , but I 'm casting sidelong glances out the windows constantly looking for visitors . What to my wondering eyes should appear but a doe and her baby ! ! Right here in River City about 50 feet from my back door . Who would have thought there were this many deer in the desert . Here mostly for the palo verde trees that are blooming like crazy , this Momma brought her baby to my door . He 's been shedding his baby spots so he 's a little rough around the edges . How do I know it 's a he ? I enlarged this photo as big as I could and I spy horns . Would you look at those ears ? They 're almost bigger than his head ! ! They continued browsing through the trees , snacking away before taking a VERY long drink at the water bucket . He 's just a cutie patootie ! ! I watched for about 30 minutes . I know you are probably going to get tired of deer and bunny images , and I probably will too , in about three years ! ! Mom . . . leave me alone ! ! The doe decided his ears were dirty and licked them for about ten minutes , all the while baby tried to move his head away . There was no stopping her however , just like when Mom spit on a handkerchief and cleaned YOUR face ! ! Finally they wandered off down the hill . I still can 't believe it . I have palo verde trees , ocotillo , cactus , scrub brush and deer in my back yard . While I waited for the locksmith , I noticed Miss Jessie had taken to a new spot . It seems the back of the couch is now her territory . Every time they go outside , I keep a wary eye out for predators . Although I haven 't heard any coyote , I know they are around , as is a bobcat that has been seen wandering the perimeter ( not seen by me . . . . yet ! ) Cooper on the other hand , in a rare moment of NOT playing the ball game , has taken over Jessie 's bed . I was not far behind him when the locksmith called to say they would be over an hour late . I rescheduled for today . I 'm hoping he brings lots of ID . You know me , always suspicious . Next up . . . the electrician who should arrive tomorrow to give me a price on that 50 amp service for my rig . Dan says the electrical wires left from the hot tub should work just perfectly for the rig , saving me a chunk of money . . . that is if the electrician will use them . Honestly , it 's not that I need a 50 amp service , but I think it would be nice if I 'm ever here in the summer again to keep the inside from baking any more than necessary . Since Dan arrived home after driving an RV from Vermont to San Diego . . . yup that 's right , over 3 , 000 miles in less than a week . . . we had a celebratory dinner of Ugly Steaks and carbs ( meaning corn and potatoes ) . It was fabulous , as are all of Miss Patty 's meals ! ! One more trip to the far side of Tucson to Home Depot should net timers for the outside lights , some sliding glass door hardware to prevent unwanted guests and pruning shears to keep my view of the deer unobstructed . Might as well get a few more ugly steaks while I 'm there , after all Father 's Day is coming up this Sunday . To top that , it 's time to mow the lawn . The previous owners left a lawnmower , but I have absolutely no idea how to make it go . It should be interesting ! ! Luckily , there is an Emergency Hospital just a few miles from here . Heavens to Betsy ! ! I had no idea you were not supposed to feed the animals in Arizona . Apparently it 's okay to feed the birds , but the rest of the critters are a no - no . Please don 't send me to the big house ! ! I never did have any intentions of feeding the deer . I know that can cause problems . Since I always have so many leftover carrots from Jonathan ( I buy a bag , he eats six ) I thought maybe the bunnies would like them . Now I feel bad about this picture , but decided to show you anyway . I promise I won 't put out anything but water from now on ! ! As it turned out , the rabbits weren 't interested . The squirrels ate about half . Here 's a little push - up lizard . I 'm sure it has a REAL name , but I have no idea what it is . In spite of my SMILE for the camera , they won 't hold still long enough to get a good picture so I can check it out on the internet . Dan calls it a push - up lizard because he bends his little arms and does push - ups while he 's basking in the shade . Cute little guys . I hope they are busy eating bugs around the house . So far I 've found five critters INSIDE . They are now deceased . Smashed to smithereens . I couldn 't even tell you what they once were . I just love watching the quail families . Here 's dad keeping watch while mom and his two babies meander through the grass looking for dinner . They come every morning and night . Another family with three babies share the dinner table with them . You can buy quail blocks to feed them at Walmart , but I didn 't want to do that unless I was here to KEEP feeding them . Patty and I headed off to Green Valley to finish off the last of my " need this " list , but of course I forgot to take the list . We did pretty good , adding to it two chairs and a gallon of Home Defense bug spray from Big Lots . What a find ! ! Big Lots in California is a dump of epic proportions . I NEVER go there . Here , it 's full of good stuff where I filled half of my list . Watch out for those prices though . Home Defense at Big Lots - $ 14 . Home Defense at Ace Hardware - $ 5 . 99 with a rewards card . While looking for a better water station , Patty and I came up with a roasting pan from Walmart . It 's metal so will last , just the right depth and will hold plenty of water . Last night I completely rebuilt the water lines and tested the drip system to see if it worked . I used bigger nozzles so more water will come out in the short five minutes it runs . Today we 'll see how the critters like it . On today 's schedule . . . call the Electricity Expert and get a 50 amp plug set up for my rig , get a locksmith to change all the locks to only ONE key , put out the old garbage cans because the new ones arrived that cost less than Waste Management and spray the house inside and out for bugs . I will have a pest service guy , but haven 't been able to catch up with him yet . Still so much to get done . For now , I 'm fixing a cup of coffee and sitting on the patio enjoying the cool morning air . Wish you were here ! ! It 's another beautiful day in the neighborhood ! The train was running a little late this morning at 5 : 19 , not that it mattered really , because I was up at 4 : 45 . I like the mornings . It 's light at 4 : 30 , cool and quiet like a desert should be . So I 've stalled long enough . Isn 't she just a dear ? A gorgeous little doe came to my water station . I looked out the window for bunnies and was shocked to see her standing in the bushes . I grabbed my camera and froze in the window so she wouldn 't get scared . Pretty wary , this little girl . She sipped a little water , although there wasn 't much left . Between the quail , roadrunners and bunnies , that little dish full doesn 't last long . Today I 'll try to come up with something a little bigger . She started nibbling on the palo verde trees . Palo verde means green stick or wood , named because it 's branches are all green . Those branches perform photosynthesis . . . your useless information for the day , however pretty interesting . I stood and watched for about 30 minutes . Who would have thought there were deer in the desert ? Especially during the hot summer months ? Actually I 'm at about 3300 feet in elevation , but still , it 's HOT here . Funny , it 's about the same temperature as my house in California . Miss Jessie spotted her right away , since the house is on a hill above the water station . She watched intently , but didn 't bark . I can 't say as much for Cooper , which in the end was probably what scared her away . Okay , really it was me who slowly opened the door to go outside . She bolted . RATS ! ! I 'm hoping she wasn 't too scared and that she comes back . Just to be sure water is available , which I think is one reason she 's here , I refilled the big bucket and set the drip system to turn on at 5 : 00 in the evening , refilling the bowl . Today I 'll hit Walmart to see if I can come up with a better container as well as a block of seed for the quail . Deer in my back yard . . . I 'm in heaven ! ! With another long list of " needs " , I braved the traffic to Target . Not my favorite store due to their prices . . . I never get out of there for under $ 100 . . . but I discovered them to NOT be busy at all . It instantly became my number one store . Walmart here isn 't bad , but the closest one is small with not a lot of product . . . mostly food . I even cooked my first meal in my new house . Sort of anyway . . . it 's hard to make anything when you have so little in the cupboard . About half a pound of hamburger tried to become meatloaf . It helps if you start with better meat . I threw in every spice I had , along with some grated onion . I invited Miss Patty to dinner , but she was otherwise occupied . That was a good thing . Believe me , it looks better than it was . At least my record here is still intact . . . no burials . Too bad I forgot to get " leftover " containers . I 've added those to my new list of pruning shears and pizza . I did notice something rather weird about my gas stove . I 've never had a gas oven with overhead microwave before . Maybe someone can help me . When I turned the oven off , I noticed hot air ( and I mean LOTS of hot air ) coming from under the control panel . . . almost like the heat was being exhausted into the room . Is that really how it works ? I think it raised the temperature of the house three degrees . Is it not vented to the outside ? ? If so , I guess I won 't be doing any baking in the summertime ! ! I see another Breville oven in my future ! ! I 've been keeping an eye out the window , jumping up every so often to see who is at the water station . Here it is 6 : 00 and all I 've seen are birds taking a bath . Apparently desert creatures like to sleep in ! ! By the way , I slept great for yet another night . Maybe it 's the nice soft bed or maybe it 's not having neighbors playing loud music . Whatever , I 'm liking it ! ! First off , ya know how I said I 'm terrible with names ? Well in case you were an early reader yesterday , Pat 's husband 's name is JIM . . . not Bill . My apologies to JIM . He 's such a nice guy , he probably doesn 't care , but my apologies anyway ! ! Ya know how it goes when the moon stays up all night and then it gets light around 4 : 00 am ? Yup . . . that 's how it 's been going here . There 's one thing to say about not getting great sleep . . . every once in awhile you just crash and burn . Last night I didn 't hear a single train . Interestingly enough , the trains on the tracks closest to me run their last one at 9 : 00 pm with their first morning run being 6 : 00 . It works for me ! ! Ya know how it goes when you have Plan A and no backup ? Plan A was to forego all the " house " stuff and try to find something to wear . My three summer shirts didn 't last long in 102 degree weather , not to mention my one and only pair of shorts . In spite of the traffic and hoards of people ( doesn 't anyone work on Friday ? Is school out ? ) I made it to J C Pennys . . . a store much bigger than my Walmart . I am SO not used to this ! ! Ya know how trying on clothes is the pits when you 've gained weight ? I don 't know what in the world I was thinking , but I even tried on bathing suits . I have no idea why , because you 'll NEVER see me in one . It was a bad idea . . . depressing in fact . Since Pat was able to get the treadmill ( left by the previous owner ) to work , I 'm getting on it as soon as I finish typing ! ! Ya know how it is to wait in line when there are only two checkout stands in this HUGE store ? The two next in line had an entire grocery basket FULL to the brim . As they finally moved up , they went through everything item by item . . . nope too much , nope no coupon , I don 't know , should I get this ? The second cashier had a lady with three teenage girls and twelve bathing suits . Nope , no coupon . Nope , too expensive . Nope , not on sale . Several people just dropped their items and left the line . Thirty minutes later I finally got to the register . Yes , I 'll take them all ! ! ! Just ring ' em up , you 've got eight more people in line . Ya know how it goes when you get a hankering for something good ? Back in my car at 112 degrees , I pulled up Beyond Bread on my phone . Gosh , it looks to be just a couple of miles away , and off I went . After about three miles , I looked again , to find that Google had shrunk the map so it looked like it was close . It wasn 't . I had no Plan B . I was committed . Eight miles later , I arrived at my destination . The place was packed . . . not even one single seat , inside or outside . I tried to order the same sandwich we had before , but alas , it 's only available on whatever day it was then . Okay , just a regular Reuben sandwich thank you . Ya know how it goes when you order something and it 's not at all what you expected ? I 'm not a fan of sauerkraut . Not even a little bit . I 'm proud to say it has only touched my lips ONCE in my lifetime . Well twice now , because when I arrived home , I bit into a huge Reuben sandwich with the biggest pile of sauerkraut on it I 've ever seen . RATS ! ! I was SO looking forward to that great sandwich ! ! I choked down half of it and saved the rest for Miss Patty . Had she not been around , it would have died a horrible death as the first entry in my cemetery . Ya know how it goes if you remain perfectly still , critters will come visiting ? There are bunnies all around . I finally caught this one yesterday after making sure the drip system was working down the hill . It drips water into containers every morning when the sprinklers come on , for the quail , squirrels , bunnies and deer . Look at those ears ! Next up was a huge roadrunner . I 've seen several juveniles hanging out , but this guy . . . he 's BIG ! ! That 's a garbage can lid on the ground . Funny , I haven 't seen or heard any coyotes this trip . I 'm guessing they are further up in the hills where it 's a tad bit cooler . Yes , the last couple of days have been above 100 , but the nights cool off considerably . Ya know how it goes when you wait and wait for something to happen . . . and when it does , you 're so surprised and thrilled that it happened to you that you freeze up and forget to get pictures ? Well that 's what happened to me last night . . . but I 'm going to wait until tomorrow to show you , because THIS time I DID get the pictures . Posted by At long last , after three full days , the painting is FINISHED ! ! This room took two full coats , three if you count the primer on about half of it . My poor puppies are so happy to be out of the bedroom where they 've been in jail . At long last they are off the bread and water diet and won 't get two feet from me . I guess they thought they were in trouble . . . . which they were ! ! They howled and barked almost every hour . Cooper especially loves the bowling alley living room where he can chase his ball for hours and not get it stuck under furniture . Once done , I headed off to Ace Hardware with my list of " needs " . Boy is that place expensive . I almost bought a can opener ( it 's amazing how many things you use every day in your home ) for $ 14 . 99 . They had the exact same opener at Walmart for $ 4 . 49 . I know , because that 's where I went to get everything else I needed . Two hours of hunting for stuff like dog bowls and outdoor rugs and I was beat . It was a lovely hot day and I was on my very last shirt , not to mention my ONLY pair of shorts . The second I walked in the door , Miss Patty called . We 're going to Saguaro Corners for dinner and some music . Wait . . . I have a carload of stuff . . . I need a shower and have to feed the dogs . . . what , don 't you have a shower in that place she asked ? Why yes . . . yes I do . I threw everything on the floor , fed the dogs and got cleaned up as much as I could . Saguaro Corners has a huge patio outside , misters to keep you cool and really great food . Every Thursday night they have entertainers who sing ( the guy way in the back ) while you eat their wonderful food . As the sun went down , the almost full moon came up . What a great place to hang out with new friends . That 's Pat on the left with her two friends in white ( I 'm terrible with names , but their mare just had a filly and they were pretty excited about it ) , mother Gloria who is 86 years old , me , Miss Patty and finally Pat 's husband Jim . . . it 's JIM not Bill . I told you I was terrible with names . Gloria and I talked like school girls all night . She 's originally from Columbia , now living in Denver . We have a lot in common , including her french fries , my beans and rice and our dessert . . . cheesecake with mango sauce . She says anything mango here , doesn 't really taste like mangos when you 've had them ripe in Columbia . What a sweetheart ! ! So the very first thing on today 's list is HOME DEFENSE . I 've found a couple of critters inside , but nothing like the one I found IN MY BED this morning . I 'd swear it was a scorpion , but the tiniest little thing I 've seen . . . maybe 1 / 2 inch across . I smashed him to smithereens before I could really see what it was . That 's when I read a note from the previous owner about those little sticky boards in the garage . I thought they were just for bugs , but he said they are scorpion boards . Good grief ! ! I thought scorpions were big . . . like 2 - 3 inches long ! ! I did catch a poor lizard on one board . . . it was so hot the glue was liquid , so I used a small stick to pry him off . He ran away into the bushes . I 'm sure I 'll be able to spot him again . . . he 'll be the one with a million tiny rocks stuck to his belly ! ! AND WE HAVE A BED ! ! ! Who knew sleeping on the floor for two days could be so horrible ? ? I might have slept in the rig , but with temperatures outside in the high 90 's , inside with no 50 amp service for air conditioning , would have been worse . The painters showed up at 7 am . . . talk about prompt ! ! You just can 't begin to imagine the transformation that took place . But the bed . . . let me tell you about the bed . Although I received two messages they would be late , the bed crew showed up right before the big storm , so it stayed dry . It 's soft , pillowy and wonderful since the head raises up so far . It 's LOVELY . I had a great night 's sleep with the exception one train , but with no aching hips , I went right back to sleep . The second crew showed up with furniture around 4 : 00 , right in the middle of a HUGE thunderstorm . A monsoon of EPIC proportions that I 've heard about but never seen up close and personal . It 's a good thing the couch was wrapped in plastic , because it just poured buckets ! In two seconds outside , my shirt was completely soaked . Luckily it quit just in time for the little kitchen table and chairs . And AFTER . Actually , this room ended up being a tiny mistake . I only had plans to paint this and one other wall to remove the pink . The painters went a tiny bit too far on one wall in the family room . To keep from having four colors of rooms , I decided to paint this entire room this soft gray . A little nervous when they started for fear it would be too dark , it 's spectacular ! ! It 's so relaxing , matches the carpet perfectly , and with the white ceiling , it 's my favorite room . Once the furniture was delivered , the puppies were finally happy enough to settle down . They just needed somewhere to park their little butts . I put the old curtains back up and they match just fine . The little wood table in front is a drop leaf with two chairs , perfect for drinking coffee as I look out my door at the beauty of Arizona . This morning there have been quail , two big cottontails , three roadrunners and one big lizard . Here 's the AFTER kitchen . . . . . I even cooked some chicken in the Instant Pot last night . My first meal in Arizona . Apparently Arizona doesn 't know how good a cook I 've become , because it came out terrible . Not inedible , I choked it down , but it really was worthy of a burial . So far however , my little acre of happiness has no cemetery . As the storm was coming in , I took this picture . I was sure there would be no rain since it was so hot , but Mother Nature fooled me with sheets of water like I 've never seen . The really good part is it soaked all the plants , since I haven 't been able to figure out the sprinkler system . That will be today 's project . Hopefully they will finish painting today . There is still one small turquoise bathroom to transform . Once done , I can finally hit the thrift and dollar stores for the stuff I need , like door mats and cleaning supplies . I 'm beginning to think I might just like living here ! ! After a horrible night 's sleep , I arose the first day and got right to work . Not really . . . I sat on my porch and watched the sun rise . Blocked by a big tree next to my yard , it didn 't make for a good picture , but it sure was nice and cool out . At 8 : 00 on the nose , the ADT alarm guy showed up . Little did I know , we would become well acquainted over the SIX hours he was here . Good grief Charlie Brown ! ! After dealing with a high - powered idiot over the phone regarding this installation , I wasn 't looking forward to being nice . They wanted a LOT of money for the alarm system service . . . and he wouldn 't listen when I told him I wasn 't paying that . He offered gift cards , insurance discounts , everything he could to push me into buying in . I finally got mad , as accountants can occasionally , and gave him what for ! It 's a good thing I 'm a stubborn old hag . . . sometimes being rasty pays off . Anyway , the kid arrived , did his thing , then I had to sit through a sales pitch like that of a time share . I 'm not buying it I said over and over and over . Finally , I was allowed to sign the REJECT sheet and we got down to business . If this costs me over $ 30 a month , I 'm NOT doing it . Period . Cappish ? ? ? ? ? Speaka de English ? ? ? ? At the five hour mark , I 'd had it up to my gills and my patience wore thin . However , I ended up with a telephone line ( their cellular system is much more expensive , so we 'll hope the telephone service is okay here ) and with the help of the kid 's boss , a bill for $ 20 a month . Grand total . . . $ 40 , much better than the $ 60 they wanted in the first place . I don 't need no " stinking Visa gift card " but I 'm getting one anyway . Finally he was gone and my alarm system was talking to me . . . . WAY too much . As soon as I can , I 'm turning her off . That 's the exact moment when the Painters arrived . Good timing ! ! They made the rest of my day fabulous , albeit boring . There 's nothing more fun than watching the paint dry . Here 's a couple of BEFORE pics just so you can see the color scheme . They had a little trouble with the turquoise . Two coats of primer / sealer and two coats of paint will be required to cover it up . Here 's my choice of paint . Isn 't it pretty ? I love it . . . so much lighter and brighter ! ! I 'm totally enamored with the husband and wife paint team . Both speak Spanish faster than lightning and never quit talking the entire afternoon . I picked up a word or two here and there , just enough to know what the conversation was about . They 're funny and are doing an amazing job of painting ! ! At 5 : 30 they finally called time so I could run to Ace Hardware for one more gallon of primer . All of the pink ( which is most of the house ) requires primer . On the way home , I stopped in at a little Mexican eatery . . . a dive really . . . between the railroad tracks . Best Mexican food ever , full of REAL chilis . This is enough food for four people and it was $ 10 . 90 . Pretty crazy ! ! It 's what 's for breakfast because all I ate last night was the tiny tostada on top of the rice and beans . I will be spending today watching more paint dry , hoping they finish up . They might have gotten further yesterday , but car trouble sent the husband to Mexico for repairs ( it 's cheaper there ) . Hopefully I can stay awake today , since I got a great night 's sleep , or as well as could be expected when you 're sleeping on the hard floor . With a little benadryl and earplugs , I didn 't hear a single train ! ! ! First Day at my new house ! ! What an experience ! ! I packed up early at the fairgrounds and headed over to my new digs . I forgot some little things , like those tennis balls under my windshield wipers , requiring a quick stop alongside the road . I was too nervous about backing into my driveway ! ! I navigated the 8 ' wide under - construction roadway for the last half mile and made the turn immediately over the railroad tracks with no problem . Trying not to make all my new neighbors mad , I unhooked on the road above and drove down to the little cul - de - sac where I prepared to back in my driveway . It was easy peasy since Dan had widened the road about three feet , but that first hump was troublesome . Something scraped bottom . YIKES ! ! Okay , that wasn 't exactly what I said , but you get the picture . I kept going and going . . . . slowly of course . . . . until VOILA ! ! I made it in on the first try ! ! It 's perfectly wide and long enough ! ! I can go back another ten feet , but there 's no use tempting the Landslide Gods on the newly planted earth . I unpacked even more stuff , which of course never was what I actually needed . I think I made at least 20 trips back and forth throughout the day . . . and again this morning when I couldn 't find my toothbrush . Once I had Jonathan 's cage set up , I had to figure out how to get him inside with no chance of flying away . A first for Jon , he rode in a big cardboard box , not the least bit happy about it . Here 's a good look at the painting that will take place . Spanish speaking Iris showed up bright and early to give me a quote . Here you see my dilemma . . . turquoise and bright pink adobe , all painted with semi - gloss . I 'm not sure how this is going to shake out in the end , but at least it won 't be these colors . She helped me estimate the amount of paint needed ( I think I have enough for a house twice this size , but the current colors will require two coats ) and said her husband would arrive first thing today . WAIT . . . I don 't have any paint yet ! ! I made a huge list of things I needed and took off for Home Depot . My first trip to Man - World . I have to say unlike California 's stores , there were very helpful people on almost every single aisle ! Three of them stopped to give me a map , along with every aisle I needed to navigate for my long list . I went into sticker shock when I hit the checkout stand . This is NOT your grandmother 's paint at $ 20 a can . The good stuff is $ 45 a gallon . No thank you . . . what 's middle of the road ? $ 35 a gallon . I felt my heart begin to beat wildly ! ! The final tab was $ 545 . That 's right . . . . HOLY COW BATMAN ! ! Back home , I took down all the curtains and outlet covers , ripped all the nails out of the walls ( there were LOTS ) and filled them with putty . Paint was so expensive , I decided only two walls in the living room needed to be covered up . The other larger walls will do just fine . Throughout the day , I spotted quail after quail . . . over 20 in all , grabbing a drink at my feeding station . I even have a couple of roadrunners and two huge jackrabbits ! ! The water setup needs a little help with the drip system which I may be able to fix today while the painter is here . Plus , they need feed . . . the one thing I did NOT get at Home Depot ! ! It was the first night sleeping with the trains on the bedroom floor . Yes it was EPIC ! Yes , that didn 't really work out so well . The bed that was supposed to be delivered Sunday , disappeared into LaLaLand . They called to say everything else was being delivered tomorrow . I got a little upset with them . Sleeping on the floor is NOT my idea of fun and using the rig with it 's now 105 degree interior wasn 't acceptable either . At long last , they said it would all be here tomorrow , but I 'm not holding my breath . I have to say it will be exceedingly wonderful to sit on a couch instead of the floor . The puppies agree . Sleeping with the trains should be a story of itself . The first big rumbler came by at 9 : 00pm . I was pretty sure it came right through the bedroom window . I could feel the vibrations , remember I 'm sleeping on the floor . I timed it . In 90 seconds , it was gone . Not bad I thought . The next one with horn blowing ( it 's the farthest one away ) came on about 10 : 00 . 90 seconds and it was gone . Okay , I can do this ! ! The third one at midnight , plus the uncomfortable puppies , my hips screaming and my nose totally plugged up , I limped to the bathroom for a Benadryl . Please God , let me get some sleep . I don 't know if any more trains came by , but I got 4 lovely hours of sleep before light hit the windows . Time for the puppies to go out . Another first . . . puppies on the lawn while I have my coffee outside on the patio . It 's cool and beautiful . This prompted another first for me . . . pooper scooper duty . I added more tools to my second list . After a full day of being uncomfortable , I still love it ! ! Train whistles are blowing as I type . I figured out the stove ( heated my leftover pizza in a frying pan . . . greatest idea ever , attributed to Barbara Westerfield ) and heated my coffee in the microwave . Everything works fine . Since the painter has been delayed until noon , I 'll make another " stuff " run . It dawned on me I have no real food , no spices and no pots to cook with other than one frying pan , which is okay , because I don 't have anything to put food in once it 's cooked . I expect this is going to be another epic receipt day ! ! I 'm a Cowgirl , born and raised on a cattle ranch in California . I recently retired and purchased a 2012 Tiffin Phaeton RV , so I could travel around the U . S . with my two dogs , Cooper ( a poodle ) , Jessie ( a Jack Russell ) and Jonathan ( my parrot ) . I 've been around the world a couple of times and not been exactly happy with my photographic images , so I took a few classes from the local Junior College . I 'm happy to say I 'm pleased with the results . Not every picture will make it to my blog , but one out of ten is far better than one out of five hundred . I hope you enjoy them too , along with my tales of misadventures ! ! |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . The Adventure Log will allow you to chronologically order the happenings of your campaign . It serves as the record of what has passed . After each gaming session , come to the Adventure Log and write up what happened . In time , it will grow into a great story ! One final tip : Before you jump in and try to write up the entire history for your campaign , take a deep breath . Rather than spending days writing and getting exhausted , I would suggest writing a quick " Story So Far " with only a summary . Then , get back to gaming ! Grow your Adventure Log over time , rather than all at once . " Welcome to Zelkor 's Ferry . I hope the captain didn 't question you too hard at the gate . You may be a person bent on finding an adventure , but you don 't look like a troublemaker to me . " The woman 's blue eyes seem to twinkle as she smiles at you . Her light brown hair is beginning to show some grey , but her arms look strong where she has pushed up the sleeves of her brown dress . " If it 's adventure you want , let me tell you , you 've come to the right place . Although we hold our own here , this area can by no means be considered safe and there 's plenty for a brave soul to find and do . " I 'm Amelia , and my husband and I are the proprietors of Bristleback Inn . It 's been in my husband 's family for several generations . " She leads you into the building 's common room and continues . " A room with your board is one gold piece a night … Thank you very much . The stable is just next door and stabling for a horse or mule is one silver piece . Anything more exotic than that and you 'll have to ask Bristleback ; we own the stable , too . The two fellows out there , Vort and Igor , are both decent folk and will take good care of any of your animals . " Amelia turns to survey the room , and you take a look around also . The inn 's low - ceilinged common room is really nothing special , but out here so far from civilization it seems to have all the comforts of home . The tables are well - worn , but also well - scrubbed . In fact , a teen - aged girl with hair the color of honey is engaged in scrubbing one right now . " Don 't forget the sides , Ysbel , " Amelia says to her . The slender girl looks up at the comment , flashes a shy smile when she sees you looking at her , and then goes back to her work . The shutters are open to let in some fresh air , and at the far end of the room a small fire burns in the fireplace as an old man snoozes in a chair nearby . Lamps are set into brackets high on the walls , to provide the most light in the evenings and also keep them out of the way of clumsy patrons . The bar is on the other side of you , before the stairs ; it is supplied with a couple of kegs , and a row of pottery mugs hung on pegs on the wall . The treads on the stairs are worn in the centers , and you can see that anyone of much height will need to duck on the way up to avoid an inconvenient beam . A door opens between the bar and the stairs , and another woman enters carrying two sealed bottles . The woman has skin the golden - brown color of good ale ; her eyes are deeper brown , and she wears her black hair pulled up into a loose knot at the back of her head . " Amelia , the cook brought these up from the cellar and told me we 'll be needin ' them in here . " Amelia nods . " I heard Bristleback tell Gumbel last night to get some more bottles up here today . Just put them in the rack under the counter , Tallie . " The woman does as instructed , than straightens to look at you . Amelia introduces her . " This is Tallie , one of our serving women . She and Ysbel stay plenty busy around here , but feel free to ask them if you need something and I 'm not around . " Suddenly from behind the door you hear a man 's voice , rather muffled , calling " Tallie ! " " That Gumbel ! " she exclaims , and rolls her eyes . " I 'm coming ! Keep yer britches on , " she calls , then disappears again behind the door . Amelia gives one last satisfied look at the room , then turns to you . " I need to get out back and weed the vegetables or pretty soon we aren 't going to be able to find the food for the weeds . The privies are around back to the left ; the kitchen garden is to the right . If you end up around that way by mistake , watch your step because I don 't want anyone trampling on my garden . You ought to take a look around and chat with some of the people here ; I 'm sure several of them have things to tell you about their own experiences in this area , things that might help keep you alive when you head out looking for your destiny . " With that parting remark , Amelia also disappears through the door to the kitchen and leaves you alone . You 're not quite alone , though , as you realize when a soft voice interrupts your thoughts . " Pardon me . " It 's the young maid ; Ysbel , that was her name . She 's now working on a table nearer you , and lays down her small scrubbing brush when you turn . " I couldn 't help but hear what Amelia said about people having things to tell you . I know someone who tells amazing stories ! Some of them may even be true . " She gestures to the old man sitting in the corner by the fireplace and continues . " That 's old Russ . He 's Amelia 's grandpappy , and to hear him tell it , he may have tamed this whole area single - handedly when he was young . There 's no doubt his stories are interesting , though they might not be helpful to you . Let me just get his attention . " Ysbel steps to the fireplace and touches the old man on the shoulder , then raises her voice a little . " Pappy ! Here 's someone who wants to hear all about how you cleared out that dungeon when you were young . " The old man starts out of his snooze and looks up at the girl , then squints at you . He uses his arms to straighten himself in his seat and squirms back and forth a little bit to get more comfortable . When you step closer , you see a pair of crutches lying next to him and note that he has a peg on his right leg . At a second glance , though , you realize that his other leg isn 't folded underneath him ; it 's missing completely , cut off at mid - thigh . A small lute lies along the left side of his chair , and one of the pottery mugs stands close by on his right , placed on the broad hearth surrounding the fireplace . " So yer interested in an adventure , eh ? " Pappy begins . " I can tell ye about some adventures . I 'm a bit dry though ; bring me a beer , if ye 'd be so kind , girlie . " He passes his mug to Ysbel , who shakes her head at him , smiling . " Pappy , it 's way too early in the day for you to start on the beer . I 'll get you a mug of water from the rainbarrel , though ; it 'll be cool . " Ysbel starts off on her errand and Pappy smacks his mouth a few times experimentally , then turns to you . " Did ye know that we 've a dungeon practically in sight of our watchtowers ? The Mouth of Doom , they call it , out in the middle of the forest to the south of us . Oh , my friends and I found it right enough , nigh onto fifty years ago now . I suppose it was a nice enough little dungeon , and it gave us a thrill or two , but it was nothing compared to the granddaddy of all dungeons ! " Pappy 's voice is raised , and he shakes his fist in the air . " Rappan Athuk - now that was a dungeon ! My friends and I were well known at one time , though not the stuff of bards ' tales . We were powerful , and we made our presence felt . We fought malicious specters down there , and nasty creatures with big mouths that lived in heaps of trash . We battled an undead king to a standstill , though there were no winners that day and both sides crept away to lick our wounds . In fact , we got further below that dungeon than anyone else I 've ever known . You wouldn 't know it to look at me now but I was a powerful wizard once , back before I lost my legs - and half my mind . " Ysbel returns just then with the mug of water . Pappy takes a small sip , then downs a larger swallow with a grimace and sets the mug carefully on the hearth . Ysbel takes up her scrubbing again at the other end of the room but appears to be listening in to Pappy 's story as well . " We weren 't about to just waltz in the front door , so we found ourselves a different entrance . It wasn 't easy going , but we got right down into the thick of things without those fiends being aware . Once down we had some trouble finding our way around ; there was a confusion of low tunnels , and the darkness was so thick our lights barely allowed us to see . We followed a winding river through several caverns ; one was filled with spiders , undead creatures , and nasty trolls , which was where we lost Sister Gabriola . Another cavern had a purple worm the size of a small village . To this day I think we could have just walked away quietly from the creature , but ye might know that our rogue Renfrew couldn 't leave well enough alone ! He was the first one poisoned , and by the time we could pull away and tend to him , he was already dead , " Pappy says as he shakes his head . " The levels of the dungeon proper may be made of worked stone , but down deep , where we were , it was all natural caverns . There was one especially huge one , where the ceiling was lost high above us and our lights made little bubbles of brightness in the great dark . In that situation , ye know there are always beings watching you , usually to yer hurt . " While we were there we fought the most vile creature I have ever seen . " Pappy 's eyes narrow , as if envisioning his opponent of years past . " Out of the darkness floated this giant mass , as large as I was tall and covered in eyeballs and mouths . It turned out those eyes shot out beams of magic like those from wands ! We fought like demons ourselves , I can tell ye . Our knight got up close to try to stab it with his greatsword , and discovered all those mouths were full of sharp teeth . I tried several of my specialties on it , only to realize it was more than a match for me ; ye may imagine my shock when it took some of my own spells from me ! We had to get cunning , especially when it tried to run away after we injured it . We finally defeated it , though , and found the treasures it had taken from other hapless victims . I recall the battle fondly now , as one of the last times I was able to use my most powerful spells and keen intelligence before something in that vile place diminished them forever . " Many of us were injured at that point and ye can be certain it was hard to find a safe place to rest and heal . We thought we had found a place , isolated at one side of the cavern , but we were wrong . That quiet corner turned out to be guarded by huge metal statues of bulls which came alive when we got close . They put out a gas that turned my companions to stone , some temporarily but some permanently . I myself was affected for a time . The stone effect wore off but before I could recover myself one of the bulls trampled me , breaking both my legs . Sir Marlett and the elf Daresiel had both been turned to stone and the bulls trampled them also , breaking up their bodies so we had no hope of recovering them . " Pappy shakes his head again . " My remaining two companions got meself and our badly wounded dwarf out of there , and patched me up well enough that I could use my emergency scroll to take us out of that foul pit completely . We ended up back at our camp in the forest , though , and without our two healers the others manag " One thing we never did locate was the evil temple everyone claims is there . I think somehow we passed it by and went straight to the caverns that lie below it . I don 't remember everything that happened to us beneath that twisted temple , though parts of it still give me nightmares . The worst was that even after we left , the reek of its evil continued to work on my mind and body and gradually stole my strength , my health , and most of all my intellect . I eventually learned to mend shoes , and other things I could do without need of my legs , but these days I just play a few tunes on my little lute and dream about striding through the forest in days gone by , wishing I had never heard of that accursed place . " Pappy stops to stretch out his leg , and begins to absently rub his left thigh . " If ye be wanting to explore that foul dungeon , allow me to offer ye some pieces of advice . There 's no doubt that the most important part of any adventuring party wanting to take on Rappan Athuk is the wizard . Ye need one who is powerful , with plenty of offensive ability . He also needs good magic items ; it 's worth a bit of sacrifice by the fighters or the rogues to see a magic - wielder well equipped . A good selection of fire spells would be helpful ; they 're always good against the undead and there 's a powerful lot of those waiting there in the dark . " Now , any group wanting to explore the depths of Rappan Athuk is going to need rope , and lots of it . Ye don 't find easy stairs leading from one area to another ; no , it 's down sheer drops and over rocky cliffs - and then of course it 's all to do again in reverse if ye ever want to get out . I know what yer thinking , " Pappy 's voice changes , becoming higher and slightly whiny . " What about that wizard ? Can 't he just fly us all down ? " He clears his throat and resumes his normal tone . " Well , to be sure he can , if ye want him to use up all his spells and have nothing left to use in a fight when ye get to the bottom . It 's better to use mundane means wherever possible and save the magicks for when ye need them most . We used our rope skills several times in difficult situations . Once we had to climb down a cliff as rats were trying to gnaw our lines ! " Another thing ye need of course is lots of light sources . Torches won 't make it , either , though it might be okay to have a few if yer in a pinch . No , ye need some source that lets ye keep both hands free ! It 's no good trying to climb down that rope I mentioned a bit ago with a torch in hand - that 's a good way to take a long fall . ' Twon 't do to just carry it in yer teeth , either , as the rogue Renfrew once tried . He thought he was so clever , and so much more nimble than the rest of us - until he caught his hair on fire . " Pappy 's speech slows slightly as he reminisces . " We called him Renfrew the Red after that ; I don 't think his hair would ever have grown back , even if he had lived . " Pappy reaches for his mug and takes another drink , then sets it back down . " I 'm afraid I 'm worn out with all this talkin ' . Though it 's nice to have an audience , I don 't usually talk this much in a week . Thank ye for listening to my adventures , but I 'm in need of a little rest now . " The old man settles himself in his chair , then leans his head on one hand and his eyes drift closed . You start to turn away when you hear him mumble softly , " And whatever ye do , don 't go down the well . " You raise your eyebrows at this one last piece of advice and then walk out into the fresh air . Next to the inn stands a stable , as you had been told . A fenced paddock beyond it holds three horses . The stable 's big double doors are open to the light and you can hear men 's voices from inside . When your eyes adjust to the shadow , you see two husky men , likely the stablehands Amelia mentioned earlier , talking with a slender woman . Both men look like they are probably from this area , but the woman 's deeply tanned skin and thick dark brown hair suggest she may once have come from the southern desert . She is dressed in a simple shirt with a leather vest and pants while a scarf is held around her neck by a sliding fastener and a sword hangs at her right side . She gestures animatedly as she talks , and you realize that she is missing her right hand . It also occurs to you that you cannot hear her speaking , even though you can see her mouth moving . Both the men look at you as you approach , and the woman also turns your way . One of the men steps forward . " I 'm Vort . Can I help you with something ? We offer stabling for horses and mules for just one silver piece per night . " Vort is tall and broad shouldered , with hair the color of ripe wheat . He wears sturdy pants and a snug sleeveless brown tunic whose laces are open at the collar . The other stablehand , in contrast , is stocky and not as tall . He sports a distinctly bulbous nose and hair that is , frankly , the color of a rather vile mud . His clothes fit him loosely and make him look somewhat unkempt . The shorter man steps forward and peers at you earnestly . " Did you bring lots of horses with you ? I hope so , because we don 't have very many here right now and it 's getting kind of lonely . When Fenice leaves we 'll only have two left ! This is Fenice ; she brings us horses sometimes so I like her . Horses like her , too , because she whispers to them . I try whispering to them , but they don 't pay much attention to me . " The slender woman - evidently Fenice - smiles at the man . " Thank you , Igor , " she whispers . " I 'm sorry the horses don 't listen to your whispering . " The woman then turns to you . " Fenice Melior , " she continues very softly , " occasional trader in horses . " " Fenice whispers to horses because she doesn 't have any voice , " Igor interjects . " She whispers to everybody else , too . I tried whispering to everybody one time , but it made my throat sore . " " Fenice lost her voice when she was part of an expedition to Rappan Athuk , " Vort puts in . " Amelia stopped by and told us that you 're interested in hearing stories about the area . We thought maybe Fenice here could tell you some of her adventures . You have to listen closely , though , because she can 't speak up . " Fenice moves to sit on a low stool . A wooden box of tools nearby suggests this is a spot where the men often groom the feet of the animals under their care . The stable as a whole is relatively neat and smells of fresh straw . Above is a large loft with an open area down the middle , with a ladder on the wall leading up from the ground . At the far end some space is closed off with walls and set with a door on each side . That might be storage , or perhaps personal space for the stablehands . Sun shines in through two windows , illuminating the slow fall of dust in the air . " I and several other people joined a group of three adventurers who had been into the great dungeon before , several months previously . It was led by Lord Pirulen of Avenir and the sorceress Candara . There was a sneak - thief in the group - I really can 't call him anything else - and he opened the entry door with a key . I don 't know where he stole the key or what he did with it after , but it wasn 't on him when we checked over his dead body a few days later . " We fought a lot of wights , and there were some wraiths , but that was later on in a hall full of pillars , " Fenice 's soft voice continues . " For a couple days we wandered through a huge maze , and I swear the walls moved when we weren 't looking . I think it was more luck than anything else that we managed to get out of that one . We encountered some goblins there , little realizing what was to come . Lord Pirulen , Candara , and their sneaky pal Cerigo had explored the area some before and been stymied at a spot that required traveling underwater . This time they had come prepared , and our whole group was supplied with items or spells necessary to breath and travel underwater . It turns out there are huge areas of that labyrinth that can be accessed only by some of those water - filled passageways . " One thing we had not expected was to come out of the water only to encounter a fire - breathing three - headed dog . In the heat of the battle I lost my favorite sword to it - and my hand . Lord Pirulen even laid his hands on my arm and healed the wound in the middle of the fight , but that didn 't replace my hand . We finally managed to trick it and block it behind a magic wall for a few seconds , and then run for our lives . " Igor suddenly jumps to his feet , making the rest of you jump also , so intent were you on that soft voice and its narration . " This is too scary ! I don 't want to listen to this anymore . I 'm going out to talk to the horses . " He hurries out into the sunlight , and you hear him call to the horses . Vort shrugs and looks at Fenice . " You know he doesn 't mean to be rude . I don 't think he 'd heard you talk about that part before . " " I know , " Fenice replies in her whispery voice . " Believe me , it was certainly scary at the time ! We ran , with Brother Arno just happening to end up in front . He yanked open the first door we came to in that broad hallway and we piled through . Lord Pirulen and I were last , and we watched each comrade simply blink out of sight as he or she ran through the door , moving too fast to stop . We looked at each other and then the paladin just shrugged . He took my arm with his left hand and we stepped through together . Happily , it was just a teleporter and everyone had arrived in the same place - that time - so we were able to carry on . Any chance of knowing where we were had been lost , of course ! " Eventually we found another waterway , and passed through it to a cavern full of long , pointed rock formations on both floor and ceiling . Some of them must have been enchanted guardians , because they came to life and attacked us with long tentacles . It was not much later that Gamira Darkwood , an elven ranger with us , located a secret door that led to a gate which none of us could find a way to open . " Fenice 's voice , thoughstill very soft , becomes more intense with excitement . " Candara used hermagic to get us to the other side , and we found ourselves on the doorstepof a goblin kingdom ! " There is an entire goblin kingdom hidden in the depths under thatdungeon , and of course we managed to stumble on it . " The whisper falls back into its previous cadence , and you lean closer again , so as not to miss anything . " We saw only a small part of their main city , but that was more than enough for me ! At first things went fairly well . We let Candara do the talking , and she convinced the goblins we met that we had come from the Underdark and were looking to replenish our supplies . " I think our time there would have gone better had we not had a paladin with us . The rest of us - even Brother Arno - could have turned a blind eye to the slavery ; it was only some kobolds , and who cares if one type of menace decides to enslave another ? But Lord Pirulen was already upset by it when he discovered that there were other humans in the city : prisoners who were to be used as sacrifices . That was beyond what he could stand , and he insisted that we immediately attack to free them . " Fenice 's whisper becomes intense again , and she leans forward on her stool , gesturing for emphasis . " We were more than ready to leave by that time , but didn 't all share his passion for this crusade . When some of us were insufficiently zealous , he removed the decision by freeing three prisoners and then joining the group with the news that two patrols of goblins were behind " We had already decided to go back the way we came and were able make it back to where Candara had used her magic on the wall . The goblins stopped their pursuit as we got toward the end of the corridor , which we didn 't understand at all . They definitely seemed afraid of something having to do with the great gate . We found we could open the gate from the goblin side , though it took several of us to do it , and then of course we could not secure it from the other side . Candara put some type of magic on it , but she was exhausted by that time and had few spells left . " It was definitely time to rest , so we picked the best place we could and set out guards . I 'm afraid we were overconfident , though , and we definitely underestimated the goblins . Somehow a small group managed to surprise our guards on the city side , and get to where most of us were sleeping without raising an alarm . In that city they have a saying , ' A running goblin can slit a thousand throats in a single night . ' Happily for me that running goblin was in too much of a hurry and didn 't stop to check his work . " Fenice loosens the slide holding her neckscarf and folds it away , revealing an ugly red scar across the front of her neck . " Candara and I survived , though just barely . Gamira was on watch with Turbayne ( one of the former prisoners ) in the direction of the dungeon rather than the city , and when she finally heard something they came in the nick of time . " Sliding the fastener back up , Fenice settles the scarf around her neck again and her voice becomes grave . " We lost both Brother Arno of Larchmont and Lord Pirulen to those little scum , as well as two of the prisoners we had rescued , and Rosson Gildersleeve , a gnome who had valiantly acted as our scout through some tight spots . Gamira used up the last of our healing potions on Candara . She tried reading a spell from a scroll to heal me , but botched it somehow and it didn 't help . I wasn 't actually dying by that time - Gamira was surprisingly useful with linen bandages and unguents - but I would really have preferred not to be reminded of that episode for the rest of my life . Finally Fenice pauses in her agitated pacing . " Come on ! " she says in a harsh whisper . " I need to get outside into the sun , too . Let 's see how Igor 's doing with those horses . " Outside , Igor seems to be enjoying himself with the animals . He speaks quietly to a tall gray horse while he brushes its coat , and a glossy brown seems to have already gotten the same treatment . The remaining horse , a smaller one with a white star on its black face , stays somewhat aloof from the other group . Fenice gives a sprightly whistle - the loudest sound you have heard her make - and the black horse trots over to the fence . The slender woman absently pets it while she continues her quiet speech . " The most important thing when going into Rappan Athuk is for each member of the group to have as many magic items as possible . There are so many different areas down there , so many different side branches , that you never know what you 're going to come up against next . It 's impossible to plan . The best idea is just to have magic items that will cover as many contingencies as possible , and then you 'll always have something you can use . " Of course there 's your basic armor and weapons ; considering how dangerous the inhabitants are , and how difficult many of them are to defeat , there should not even be a question about needing those . It 's the specialized items , though , that can really make or break a group . For instance , you should have items that provide light - not just enough light for humans to see , but ones that use light as a weapon . Those are the most effective against many different types of undead creatures , which is mostly what is in that evil place . It 's also good to have something that produces fire ; the more ' normal ' creatures down there are used to dark damp places and are frightened of fire . A nice fireball , or wall of fire , or even spurting fire from your fingertips left and right , will earn their respect and convince them to leave you alone . " You notice that Fenice has started to rub the stump of her right arm , and you suspect she is unaware of her action . " Fire resistance is also critical . This is the lair of demons , and they have more than one location that opens into the depths of Hell itself . Of course , standard fire resistance barely helps against hellfire ; you need something a bit stronger and you need it to be ongoing , not something that 's going to wear off every few minutes . Another thing that 's very useful is an item that allows you to fly . There are some deep cracks that are difficult to cross , high places to climb , and so on . We also made good use of water - breathing magic , but that was because of the specific places Candara , Cerigo , and Lord Pirulen wanted to explore . " The black horse butts Fenice 's shoulder , and she reaches up to smooth its nose as she continues . " Something else you might not expect is that you need to be able to crawl . Not every denizen of the great dungeon is as tall as you or I ; though some are considerably larger , there are also smaller ones . It can be a great advantage to be able to move through the tunnels you find ; it can lead to some goodly treasure , and it is also an outstanding way to get away from some of those larger creatures . Magical bags and backpacks gave us places to stow away armor or other bulky things when we needed to crawl , or swim ; I can 't imagine going some of the places we went with our fighters having to drag their armor along behind them . " She looks away from you to the stablehand . " Vort , could you get my saddle and bags , please ? " " The last thing you need to remember , of course , is that no matter how prepared you are , you are still not prepared enough . " Fenice climbs the rail of the fence and jumps down next to the horse . Vort appears with her gear , which she takes with a nod and then saddles her mount . You notice that even without a hand , she is able to use her right arm to hold or brace things , while her left hand of course does the finer tasks . Finally Vort passes Fenice a set of filled saddlebags . She looks directly at you , her face serious and her whispery voice harsh . " Whatever you think you will be able to do in Rappan Athuk , something is going to be there to deny you complete success . You 'll end up with amazing stories to tell , but only at the expense of friends left behind in the making of those tales . Maybe before you go , you should ask yourself if a venture into that dungeon of graves is worth the rest of your life . " She puts her left foot into the stirrup , braces herself with her right elbow , and smoothly swings her leg over while Vort opens the gate of the paddock for her . She gives another whistle and Igor looks up . " Good - bye , Fenice ! " he calls , waving to her vigorously . Her left hand busy with the reins , Fenice lifts her right arm in acknowledgement and then turns her horse away , through the gate of the settlement and out . Vort drops his own hand and closes the gate , then gives you a brief nod and walks back into the stable . Walking on through the settlement , you come next to a two - story wooden building . Above the door is fastened a rectangular sign bearing the words " Trading Post . " The first floor has no windows , but the second floor has three , with the shutters open . You hear a snatch of song in a woman 's voice before it fades again , and then you push open the door . You are greeting by a ringing sound as a bell chimes above the door . The room is full of so many things that it 's hard at first topick out any individual items . Then the odor of the place hits your nostrils : a combination of musty furs , drying herbs , oiled weapons , and other more exotic scents . A ruddy , red - haired man looks up from where he is working at a long wooden counter . " Greetings ! Welcome to Rasmus Pye 's Trading Post ! " He puts down an oiled rag he was using to wipe a sword and rubs his hands with a cleaner cloth . Coming around the counter , he extends his hand to you for a friendly clasp . " Rasmus Pye I am , purveyor of the common and the fine . Whatever you 're heart 's desire , I know where to get it for you - within reason , of course , " he adds hastily . As you look around , you are able to take in more of what fills Pye 's establishment . Two bundles of furs are stacked near the door . Wooden barrels line the floor along the wall , some with their tops open showing things like smoked fish and jerked meat . Shelves are lined with pottery jars whose contents are not immediately obvious ; wooden boxes holding herbs and spices in sealed packets ; large pieces of soft leather waiting to be crafted into clothing or other items ; and one or two of any number of other things , most already used to some degree . Herbs hang from the high ceiling as do several lanterns ; the fellow can 't need this many to light his shop , so they must be for sale as well . To the left of the door in the back wall stands a tall rack with a variety of weapons , held upright by bits of cord tied to nails in the wooden wall behind them . In the back right corner is the beginning of a narrow stair , going up toward the front of the building . Glancing up where the stair passes through the floor , you can see a door that would close the opening from above and you think you hear a voice singing softly . Pye moves back to his place at the counter and finishes wiping down the sword , talking the whole time . " So you 've just come in , eh ? No doubt in the area seeking for adventure . Well , when you need some supplies , you just be coming to Rasmus Pye and I 'll provide them to you at a fair price , yes indeed . Folks wonder how I can get so many things away out here , and it 's because I believe in doing right by people , and so they in turn do right by me . " Take those furs , for example . The pelt of a bear or a wolf is useful out here , and not too hard to come by . In a great city , though , those pelts are few and far between and will fetch a goodly price . On the other hand , things quite common in the city are rare this close to the wilderness . I 've traveled up and down and know people hither and yon , and we do business together so that we all benefit . " Pye gives the sword one last swipe before placing it in the weapons rack , looping a cord around the hilt and guard , and tying it to its own nail . It occurs to you that , besides holding the weapons for display , the ties would severely hamper anyone inclined to suddenly snatch up a weapon and threaten the proprietor . Evidently Rasmus Pye is shrewd as well as affable . " Nor is it just great traders who benefit - no indeed , " Pye continues , gesturing to his stock . " You see before you the collections of dozens of travelers who somewhere acquired extra gear or unusual items and sold them to me rather than carry them any further . They got a bit of coin for the purse and you , perchance , will be able to find just the right thing for your needs when you venture out yourself . If I 'm not here - because sometimes I do travel out , to do what traders do - you can always deal with my excellent assistant . " Pye moves to the stairs and calls up . " My merry love , could I interrupt you for just a moment ? " The reply is indistinguishable where you are , but Pye is evidently satisfied for he moves back to his counter and begins the polishing process on a dagger that matches the previous sword . A few moments later you hear footsteps upstairs and someone wearing a green skirt starts down the steps . " I 'm that sorry , my dearest Pye , but I had my mouth full of pins . I started right in to work on my newest order of shirts while the light is good . I heard the bell ; have we customers ? " The woman who descends wears a white blouse with her skirt , and has golden - brown , curly hair pulled back with a light green kerchief . Meregan looks amused as Pye 's flowery description and gives you a bit of a mocking curtsy , then says , " If you won 't be needing me right now , Pye , I ought to get back to my shirts . You know that I like the light to be just right when I 'm sewing so much black , and putting on all those extra pockets takes longer than usual . " Turning to you , she continues , " I suppose you 're taking in the whole village . Do be sure to step around to see Kalgor ; he can be a bit of a grump but just ignore that , because it 's the good work he does that 's most important . I hope you 'll be safe in your journeys , so that we 'll see you again many a time ! " Meregan gathers her skirts and heads back up the stairs , and you catch Pye admiring his wife 's neat ankles when you turn your attention back to him . The trader gives you a wink , and says , " She 's quite right , you know ; you truly ought to be meeting Kalgor while you 're here . Just go right around the building and his place is at the back . Ulman Dark , also ; he has the house off by itself on the other side of the commons and could be supplying you with a bit of healing or two , should you be in need . You 'd best be taking care , now , as we 'd like to see you back often . " Following Rasmus Pye 's instructions , you round the trading post and come upon a rougher , shorter building set up against its back wall . In fact the other building is so close that the upper floor of the trading post actually sits atop part of it , where the second level has apparently been extended . Over the door of the small shop hangs a faded painted sign showing what appears to be a grey rock , superimposed with a red gem . The front has windows but they are shuttered . You have to stoop a little as you enter the door and it takes your eyes a moment to adjust to the dim interior . Everything seems just a little lower than normal - the counter , the windows , and the door in the far wall . When you see the proprietor you understand the reason , for he is a dwarf . His beard is reddish brown and full , caught together in three places with bands of brass to keep it from falling into his work . He is seated at a stool on the other side of a high counter , peering closely at something that must be on a shelf in front of him because you cannot see it from where you stand . Two clear glass lamps hang just behind the counter , putting the dwarf in the center of a circle of light and shadowing the rest of the interior . You move closer , and see that he has two rough golden - brown stones laid out on a black cloth . Your motion startles him , as if he was not previously aware of your presence . One big hand claps down over the stones and he stands , not becoming appreciably taller in the process . " What 's this ? Who let ye in here ? Oh , yes , the door 's unlocked … . Interested in my wares , eh ? Well , well , what d ' ye know . " He sweeps the two stones into a small box and tucks it away into some niche under the counter . Now that he is looking at you , you see the dwarf wears glass lenses over both eyes , set in a slender metal frame and held by thin pieces that hook over his ears . " Kalgor 's the name , specialist in gems and other underground treasures . Not that I go digging for ' em , ye understand . Not this dwarf ! " He shakes his head emphatically . " But others bring ' em and I take my tools to ' em - a little tap here , and a little tap there , to bring out the rare beauty found in each one . Nor don 't I do it for free ! A fellow 's got a right to make a bit of coin for his skill . " If ye bring me a gem that ye 've found somewhere , I can tell ye its value . It 'll cost ye ten percent , but I 'm accurate and I 'm honest , which is more than ye 'll find with most folk around these parts . Then , if ye want me to try to improve it , I can do that too . That 'll cost ye another ten percent up front , and it 's at yer own risk . " Kalgor puts his fists on his hips at glares at you as if you had contradicted him . " I make no guarantees , d ' ye understand ? Though my eye 's good , and my hand 's as steady as ever . I 'm as likely as not to improve your pretties so ye can sell ' em off in some big city for a goodly amount of coin . But there 's no guarantees , no guarantees . Nothing in life is certain . " I see ye looking askance at my spectacles , but don 't be concerned . All the better to see the fine details . Not one cut do I make before I 've seen my way to the heart of a stone , and heard what it has to tell me about itself . " Kalgor seats himself on his stool again , and pulls out another small box from below the counter . " Now , unless ye 've business for me today , I need to get back to work . Be off with ye , and come back when ye 've brought me something pretty . " At that the dwarf begins to fiddle with his tools , glancing up at you over the top of his spectacles until he sees you 're truly leaving . Closing the door on the dimness , you squint as you step out again into the bright sun . Coming out of Kalgor 's establishment , you find yourself facing a small house of stone , the only one you 've seen here in Zelkor 's Ferry . A pair of wooden chairs and a small table sit in front of it and the door stands open , as do the bright blue wooden shutters . To your left is the way back to the settlement ; to your right are the river and a long wooden dock , where a tanned sailor in a wide - brimmed hat is preparing to cast off a boat . On the dock itself , a husky dark - haired man is arranging crates and barrels . You hear a door open across from you and notice a small shack just past the left end of the house . A tall woman walks out , her pants and shirt covered with a big canvas apron . She removes a cloth she had tied over her hair and the blonde braids wound around her head glint in the sun . " Ho ! " she calls out to you in a hearty voice . " Are you looking for the ferry ? I can ring the chime for Gutmark , and catch him before he leaves . He 's just taking the boat out fishing , but running the ferry is more important . " She relaxes when you assure her you have no need of the ferry at the moment , and introduces herself . " I am Adebrin . Gutmark brings in the fish , when he 's not needed for the ferry , and I take care of them from there . I smoke them , and other meats , too , when we have them . " As she draws closer you smell the faint scent of woodsmoke on her ; that shack must be the smokehouse . Adebrin removes her big apron and hangs it on a peg inside the open door of the house . A glimpse through the opening shows that the interior is tidy but crowded . " So have you just arrived here ? Yes , and I suppose you are looking for excitement nearby . " She shakes her head . " So many people come with such high hopes , and so many of them leave here disappointed or worse . No doubt at some point you will have need of the ferry ; it is the straightest way to leave here if you travel to the Coast Road . If you wish to go by water , which may be slower but more sure , you can be a passenger on one of the keelboats that plies the river . The Yellow Oak is fast , but not very large . The Lucky Oak is not quite so fast but is a little bigger . Then there is the Brawler . It is a big , slow ship , captained appropriately by one they nickname " the Whale . " There are a few others that come and go from time to time , but you are mostly likely to see one of those three . " I noticed you earlier wandering around the village , " Adebrin says , " But I think you have not yet met our residents on the north side ? The soldiers in the barracks are like soldiers everywhere . The smith is a good man , but tight with his words . His wife does not care to be friends with any of the women in the village , though , " her voice turns mocking . " I can tell by her expression that she thinks she 's better than someone who has to deal with smelly fish . And the trader 's wife thinks she 's better yet , doing nothing but sitting in her house all day sewing fine clothes of linen . Would she be so smug if she knew what that Pye does on those ' trading ' trips of his ? I saw him once or twice elsewhere , before I married Gutmark . She 'd best keep an eye on his sharp dealings , or one day she 'll find he 's traded her away ! " Adebrin emphasis her point with a firm nod , and continues . " Did Pye give you his best friendly approach ? He tried that on me when Gutmark brought me here last year . " She leans forward , and drops her voice confidentially . " He wasn 't smiling so much , though , when I showed him I knew the true value of a barrel of smoked bear meat - a great delicacy in the city . And why did he send his own son away , to be apprenticed to the smith ? It 's because he couldn 't handle the boy , young as he is . Big Morgan , now , that 's a real man and he knows how to handle a feisty lad . " Enough of me talking gossip ! " Adebrin says , throwing up her hands . " I know adventuresome folk like you aren 't interested in the doings of our little community . Instead of listening to me natter on , you 'd do better to go have speech with Garamond , who is working out on the dock . He 's been in the dungeon of graves , so they say , and lived to tell the tale ! " She motions you away with her hands , then goes into the stone house and closes the door . You stroll over to the dock , which like the rest of the settlement seems weathered but still serviceable . It has space for only one boat on each side ; if the captains were very careful it might be possible to moor a third right out at the end , but the river current makes that seem chancy . About halfway along the wooden surface stands a row of barrels and a stack of crates , now much more efficiently organized than when you first saw them a few minutes ago . The figure you saw from a distance turns out to be a burly , bronzed fellow who has obviously spent most of his life out of doors . He hoists the last out - of - place barrel onto his shoulder , and the bunching muscles in his arms remind you of knots in a branch of wood as they flex under his tanned skin . He starts to make his way around from behind the remaining kegs and you notice that he seems to limp ; when his legs come into view , you can see that his right leg is missing from the knee down and has been replaced by a wooden stump . He sets the barrel neatly in its place and gives you just a glance before making his slow way up to the trading post , returning with one of the large bundles of fur you saw at the building earlier . After placing it carefully atop some crates , he rests on a nearby barrel and strikes up a conversation with you . " You 're new here , eh ? Just passing through ? " His voice is deep and somewhat rough , as if his throat is sore . " You can call me Garamond . I 'm passing through also , but I 've been here many a time . ' Twas right here in Zelkor 's Ferry that Ulman Dark himself brought me back to life after an unfortunate incident in a great underground dungeon not too far from here . " The man needs only a little encouragement to get him to keep talking ; he brushes his thick dark hair out of his eyes and continues . challenge . Several of our people grew uneasy , and Sir Albertus was almost ill from his intense feeling of foreboding evil . It was not long before we discovered the source of that evil : we crept down a long , wide hallway and discovered the high temple of the degenerate being whose worshippers built the complex in the first place . " Somehow the priests had discerned that we were approaching , and they were ready . " The man 's husky voice is tense . " They hurled magic at us , and summoned demons to attack . We had not been searching for a temple and so we were wretchedly unprepared . Before we could disengage , many of us were wounded by spell or by claw . Rather than a gradual retreat , we simply turned and ran . The gnomes couldn 't keep up with the taller ones , so Father Baris carried Euphemia , and I myself picked up the other cleric , Vianta of Briem . Both the gallant ladies were able to shoot magic over our shoulders , forcing the pursuing demons to fall back a bit . Garamond shakes his head , and pushes his hair out of his eyes again . " Some of the rest of this I learned later ; at the time there was only confusion . Janda of High Tower was our scout and he was in front as we ran . He came to a room of doors and the first one he opened contained a narrow staircase spiraling down . Thinking the demons might not be able to fit in the stairway he started down , the others right behind him . Sir Albertus stayed at the door until the last of us arrived , then he and I held it as the others hurried down . Cerin D ' Avola also backed us up with her twin crossbows ; small bows had seemed useless to me but they were excellent in such close quarters . Finally the demons ceased their attack . The three of us took the opportunity to flee , and their mocking laughter followed us down the narrow stair . " As we reached the bottom we could feel the heat , and by the time we joined the others Sir Albertus and I were sweating in our armor . Janda was scouting ahead , as was Decanus Ovalico who could move very quietly for someone who appeared so clumsy . Decanus reported back a room with burned bones - the remains of unholy sacrifices , no doubt . Janda gave us the choice of going back up the stairs or trying one or another long corridor . Not wishing to return the way we had just come , we opted to search for another exit . We moved as quickly as we could , for the metal of our armor was quickly becoming hot to the touch . " After a few twists and turns , we discovered why the demons had been laughing at us : in our flight from the evil temple , we had run to a rift that opened up to Hell itself . " Garamond shudders . " Ahead of us demonic lizardmen frolicked in a lake of liquid hellfire , as if in clear water . The heat was incredible and I could hardly breathe ; my lungs felt as if they were on fire . I saw Euphemia faint , and Dark Nakki swore as his beard began to smoke . The demons attacked immediately , with flaming spears and their own fiery hands . Somehow I was closest to the lake of fire , and one grabbed me and tried to drag me in . He nearly made it ; my right foot slipped in and began to burn and the pain was incredible , worse than anything I had ever experienced before . Sir Albertus grabbed me at that exact moment or I would have been gone . As it was I could not help myself ; I heard later than he hoisted me over his shoulder and carried me as we fled again . " They told me that the next passage they tried came to a dead end and the group was about to despair when Janda discovered a hidden room that was magically cold - a protection against the fire and demons of that awful place . By that time , though , I was dead from the hellfire , as was Euphemia and the beautiful Cerin D ' Avola . My understanding is that one of those remaining - Decanus , or perhaps Bregenz the bard - found a scroll in Euphemia 's things and was able to puzzle out a spell or two to get the group out of the dungeon . " Ulman Dark was able to restore my life , to a degree . " The man 's shoulders slump . " Sometimes I 've wished my companions hadn 't been quite so loyal after all ; they got me out , but of course couldn 't help my leg . I was such a bad case that when he got done , both Ulman Dark and I were laid up for a month and I 've never really gotten my strength back . Some days it even hurts to breathe . " One piece of equipment lots of groups neglect is a boat ; it was only by chance that we had one . There is a river in that dungeon that winds back and forth from one area to another and could take you to many places you might want to go - but also some that you don 't . A magic boat would be best of course , to make it easier to transport , but I suppose there must be ways to get normal ones down there . Do be certain there 's room for everyone , though ; sending only one part of a group off in a boat would be a good way to get both parts killed . " Iron spikes are very important . They 're key to being able to retreat from any dungeon , but especially Rappan Athuk . You can spike a door open , particularly if you had trouble finding it the first time and you need to know for certain that it will be open still when you 're ready to leave . You can also spike a door shut - very useful when you 're trying to leave and someone 's getting close , trying to prevent you . Of course , even iron spikes aren 't the solution to everything , " he adds sternly . " For one thing , spiking a door is noisy - very noisy . Tends to attract attention . For another thing , you can 't ever forget that everything that lives in that dungeon knows its way around better than you do . While you 're busy spiking doors over in one direction , something that wants to eat you is circling around another way and you 're going to get a nasty surprise . " Don 't forget your distance weapons , either . Most folks think of a dungeon as being small rooms and a few corridors . The great dungeon has many large room and huge caverns , and sometimes you really need to be able to attack something without needing to get too close ! " It 's incredibly important to have a scout or two , make use of them to gather information , and then act on it instead of just blundering ahead . More scouting , and not getting cocky about our abilities , would both have made things better for us . There are two thoughts that really haunt me , " Garamond continues . " In my nightmares about that flaming lake I also see a great golden bridge , gleaming in the flickering light of the fires of hell . I don 't know if it is only part of my dream , or if it was something real that at the time I barely saw . The other is the thought of that long underground passageway . Since the time I traveled it , I 've wondered when an army of the dark will use it to come marching out of the Dungeon of Graves . " Well , I need to get one more bale of furs from Pye and have it ready before the boat arrives . The captain likes to make only a brief stop , and I need to be sure all these goods get aboard . A pack animal is about all I 'm good for anymore . " The bronze - skinned man stretches slightly as he straightens , then moves off again in his lumbering gait . |
by The Yeti » Tue Dec 11 , 2007 3 : 00 am Than , I present - - well , quite frankly , a non - illustrated story . I doubt any of you have time to read this , as it is literally a book . At any rate , i saw the clamor for " more stories " , so i thought ( being the decent person i try to pretend to occasionlly be ) , that i would post one of mine . I 'm posting chapters one through three , which , if any have the interest , is quite enough . If any ask , i 'll post more chapters on . A cold wind whipped through the evening darkness . It wound through the trees , around the trunks , sweeping through their protruding roots . It blew the snow dust lying absent on the drifts , making them to fly in patterns such as the eye could not follow . It passed every obstacle , every tree , every rock , and at last broke out upon the lake . Though the shroud of night was wrapped about all , the waters shone with a brilliance unmatched by even the day , for upon its dark surface there was the light of a thousand stars , each unique in the beauty and light they gave . The lake almost shone within the darkness . How softly , yet how coldly it shone . Within its light there was still a darkness that betrayed its depth , its all - compassing coldness . Now the wind came upon it , plying its dance across the placid waters , whipping small waves about its surface . Even so , it was still beauty . Yet in shades cast by the trees there was another shade , a shade as unmoving that which overshadowed it . The shade looked as if it belonged there , just as much as anything else . Clothed in robes the color of night , the only truly visible portion was her face - a pale , intent face . It was like the lake , soft , yet cold . Beautiful , yet deep , as if it had traveled to depths unseen and returned , with only the marks it had left as evidence of its journey . And indeed she had traveled far , oh , so far for so long . She shuddered as the wind caught her in its embrace , flinging her robes about her in a frenzy . She shuddered , yet did not close her eyes , unwilling to let the scene ahead leave her mind . As if it the prodding of the elements , she moved from her place , and walked silently to the shore of the lake . She stopped as the waters closed over her feet and shuddered once again . She knelt and looked once again upon the lake . How long it had been since she had stooped here she knew - yet how long it was . She stood and set her course with the wind . She stepped upon the surface of the waters and began to walk . Her cloak was wrapped tightly about her , and the hood was low over her face as she walked . Each step was she took slowly , and with a bowed head . Even so did she walk until reaching the center of the lake , and there she once again sank to her knees as in despair . Her face did not change its intent stare , yet a single , unmarked tear slid down her cheek . Ever her stare stayed on the lake , and still another tear joined the first . She gazed at the lake still , as if in an anguish at its unseen depths . She reached her hand softly into the black water . The stars ' reflection rippled and disappeared . She shuddered still again and sighed , shaking her head . Her hand slipped to the black - bound hilt at her belt , as if to reassure her of its presence . But it wasn 't there anymore . Just as it hadn 't been the last time she 'd been there . Finally , she threw back her head and laughed to the wind , laughed to the stars , the sound of it echoing long over the lake . It was a laugh that was merry ; no , perhaps it was not merry to her … perhaps she had found something ironic about it all . Her laugh ended in a smile , a rueful smile , and she shook her head at her reflection in the waters . " So , it 's all still the same . " She laughed again . " As if I expected anything else . " Her laughing continued , catching the reflections eye again . " Well well , isn 't it good to be alive ? " She stood and tilted her head to one side . " I knew that at least you 'd still be here . And I said I would be back , remember ? I was right after all . You have not changed , and after all … this , neither have I . Yet , within it all , perhaps you were right in the end ? Time will tell , and I have things to do . Though to what end , I cannot imagine . " She smiled that rueful , bitter smile again as she turned her face to the shore . One perhaps could have thought her mad ; maybe one could have been sure of it . For what sort of sane person would talk to a lake , much less walk upon it ? Yet one look in her eyes , just one look into her spirit , and an entirely different story would have been seen . If anything , Natalia was perhaps - cold , but not mad . She glided back across the waters , her eyes intently scanning the shoreline , watching for - something . Her face was for a moment lighted at the sound of footsteps , yet darkened again as a red deer flashed in the darkness and faded into silence . " Well , what did you expect ? " she whispered as her feet found solid ground . " Did you really think that he 'd still be here ? No , I didn 't , did I ? It just all seems so familiar to me . That 's possible , " she breathed as she entered under the eaves of the trees . " I have , after all , not always come here alone . Perhaps it was but a memory of long ago . Yet , " her eyes looked to the heavens from beneath the forest , " I suppose I hoped that - that perhaps He would have brought it to pass for just one last time . Still , if it indeed cannot be , I might as well not lose any sleep over it . " Of what did she speak ? Perhaps one watching could have understood her partly , but likely not entirely . After all , one cannot know the story from the end . One would have to start at the beginning . The lake still glistened by the night , and the same trees still stood vigil , yet now one would see not one , but two figures beneath their branches . The pair stood close together , watching the waters with a great interest . One was Natalia . Though her face was younger , that was the only noticeable difference ; all else about her was the almost the same . The other was greatly different . He was , unlike her , built larger , taller . He was clothed in black robes like hers , but of a finer make . The sword that hung at his side was in like make to her own ; that in itself was unusual being that he of a much greater build than she , but so it was . Also , unlike her , he wore no hood such as that which shadowed her features . The two , strangely , looked to be a perfect match . One would not be able to place why , but there was something , something uncanny that made them match perfectly . The man looked down at the mists that were beginning to curl about his cloak and wrapped the garment closer around him . " Strange , isn 't it ? " " Well , perhaps not as much as you think . As I 've said , you can relax some of the time . You don 't have to be intense about everything . " " I know , I know . It just seems a waste to not give any one thing my full attention . If I 'm going to take the effort to give it thought , I might as well give it more than the bare minimum . " Drakon nodded silently , his eyes shifting their gaze to the stars . " The north wind will be here soon enough , and with it the winter . We have but a few weeks before us . " " That 's not much time to complete the preparations . You know them , if they come , they come in the winter . We must make ready . " " Yes , " Drakon said quietly , " I know them . " His eyes shifted again , but to the east . " If they come it will be from the east , Natalia , just as they always have . " " Perhaps I do know better . Perhaps I do not think we can make it this time . Ah , but silence - I speak nonsense and I know it . Of course we can win again . I just need to think . " Drakon placed a hand on her shoulder . " Please , if not for your sake than for mine - rest . " She let the hand stay where it was , but spoke quietly . " I ask you , for my sake , to not question me on this . The others , they do not understand . They cannot understand . All they know - " she stopped for a moment - " all they know is that they heard my cries long ago , and never again . " She turned to face him . " Only you understand . I need your support , Drakon , not your counsel . " Harsh words , and proud , yet softly spoken . " So worry not for me . Leave if you will , but if not , stay , and rest . There is no need for the both of us to stay awake . " With this , he kissed her forehead , and turned aside . As he sat down with his back to a tree , Natalia turned back to the lake . There was still a great portion of darkness before the light would come . She attempted to regain her focus on the lake . Whatever fear kept sleep from her mind could not haunt her here , not by these waters . As fate would have it , Drakon awoke early without Natalia 's urging . He stood and looked around at the pre - dawn world . Laying his eyes on her , still standing , staring at the lake , he just shook his head . It pained him to see her go without sleep like that . Oh , he knew she would seem alive . She would smile , laugh , talk , and speak , yet for all the mirrors she put up , he could always see through them . Not because he really could , but just because he knew her . Of course she slept normally most of the time , but never without his being near her . This was different ; she most often went like this , standing all night long , after a night slept alone . When that happened , she would usually refrain as much as possible from even closing her eyes . Now he walked over to her , and touched her arm lightly . She jerked around quickly , her eyes alight and her sword half drawn from its sheath . Upon seeing him , she relaxed and thrust it back into the casing . Drakon placed his arm around her shoulder and the two began to walk back up the woody hill from whence they had come . The darkness was still upon the earth , but it was not as dark as night . It was almost as twilight , a quiet time . They walked long in silence , neither wishing to be the first to speak . It was from their friendship that they could be so silent . It was their close bond that gave them the knowledge of when to speak and when to be silent . Yet they were different , so different . Drakon was , as some called him , a gentleman . Soft spoken and well mannered , he received respect from all who knew or saw him . He always had the right thing to say , or rather , the correct thing to say . None truly knew him , or where he had come from specifically . All most knew was that he had been there a while , yet as his face betrayed , not too long . In truth , most could never put his age in any given place . For though his features could have been of one in the prime of their youth , his mannerisms and wisdom were of one far beyond the years of a young man . For all this , he preferred to keep the truth to himself . However , these same mannerisms carried over into many areas , including his martial skills . Elegance could describe his technique . Though his size belied that fact , he was , in nearly every area , graceful . He had come to this place many years before , and had become , in a way , its protector . None knew why . They simply knew that he had come and had protected them . But none knew why . He was obviously a man skilled in warfare , but had given few hints to his past . Natalia , she was an unknown to all . None knew her , but they remembered how she had come there . It had been recent , so recent that the memories were still sharp and fresh . Drakon had found her in the winter , and had taken her in with the intention of caring for her until she regained her health . Things didn 't go quite as he had thought , and it became obvious to him after one incident that she could not survive without him by her side . And so he had stayed , as a friend , and they were seldom parted for very long . She had also surprised Drakon with her knowledge , for indeed , her years had not then exceeded fifteen such winters , yet she obviously knew much . Within a surprisingly short amount of time she recovered from her illness and began training under his guidance . She knew much in the field of military tactics , and as to where she had learned - she hadn 't told Drakon completely . And even when Drakon had first begun to train her with the sword , it became apparent that she had already been schooled in this area ; not to his expertise , but to a notable level . The years she had spent there only increased that skill . Now they reached the top of the hill , and looked through the breaks in the trees at the fields below . Nestled beneath them was a neat array of housing and farmland spreading for a ways over a green valley . In between the tall houses lay cobble roads , all connecting to a square in the center . It looked to be peaceful , the perfect haven of rest . Drakon smiled . It was his task to keep it that way . Natalia looked far less impressed , but than again , a raise of her eyebrows was an extensive compliment . She nodded her head and smiled faintly . " Yes , that is what I like . " Her eyes strayed to the woody hills beyond the town and stayed there . Drakon walked slowly , as though thinking deeply . The valley stirred memories , and he cast his thoughts to how long it had been since he had first arrived . He remembered every detail . He remembered how the first night of his stay the attack had come . It had been a gruesome affair . They had come from the east - raiders , that is - but curved to the north of the village . Than they swept down the hillside . It was in the fall , and all was still green in their path . Had he not been there , the small soldiery of the place would have been swept away . But as fate had it , he had been in the right place at the right time . Quickly he had organized the men and set them in a qualified formation . The attackers were not prepared for a professional warrior such as him . They were cruel , barbarous , and had raided and fought simple people , maybe even soldiers on occasion - but never a professional warrior . It was only after they saw some sixty of their own fall before his sword that they realized their poor timing . It took another two hundred before they got the point . To spite the defenders , they set the hill afire in their retreat , and the damage was such that only grass grew on the slope , no trees . And they always came back . Again and again . Villages to the west and south had all been overrun , so theirs was the sole focus of the raiders . They attacked every winter with such monotonous regularity that it had become a part of the valley 's general culture . Even so , they continued to hold the upper hand ; at least , until Natalia came . He remembered picking her from ground and bringing her back . He remembered their first sparing match , how she had surprised him . He remembered that though she looked fifteen , she seemed thirty . She seemed not simply mature , but rather aged - old beyond her time . He remembered questioning her on this and many things . She told him some , some she told him later , some she implied , and some he inferred . Whatever the case , she was , simply put , brilliant . Her tactics were superb . With a small , almost negligible force , she , in the last several years , had defeated three much larger forces . They made a good team : she the general , he the warrior . She did not garner respect ; she commanded it . She had a strange mix of charisma and brusqueness that he could never figure . Her speech was often direct and scathing , but she could inspire with her words . She could light a fire in the eyes of her listeners . She could bend their hearts towards her with her words . Yet he knew not how . Things simply were . Things were simply as God willed them to be . Megablocks it ! Nothing but rain , rain , bitter rain , and God - forsaken villages ! Why Hargrada has sent me to this place I cannot fathom . There is nothing worth taking - nothing ! The only inhabitants this far north are rule - less barbarians . We burned six of their miserable villages recently - that was a bright spot , but only a small one . They were no challenge . I don 't think I shall ever forgive him for sending me to this place . The two walked into the town , and strode softly on the stone roads . It was still early , and though some were awake , most were sleep . They were a familiar site , Natalia and Drakon , as they often walked in the early morning . Any that saw them bowed slightly as they passed by - some of fear , most of respect . The road winded about the village , and their path twisted ever before them in the fog . As the road continued to twist , drops fell from the sky , fell from sloping roofs that stood above them . Natalia drew up her hood , but Drakon left his head uncovered . The rain was cold , and the wind came harshly with it , bringing the breath of the north to their faces . The rain fell harder , yet it drove away the morning mist , and their path became clear of clouds which had beset it ; still they changed not their pace . They didn 't mind the elements greatly , for they were simply a part of life , just as much as the sun that lit their days or the stars that illuminated the night . Even so , it was a relief to reach the inn . Though the village had long been bereft of visitors , the inn was still kept open as a sort of gathering place for the common folk . Aside from that , it gave permanent residence and sustenance to both Natalia and Drakon . The proprietor had offered two rooms , but after the earlier mentioned event , Drakon thought it wiser to share a single chamber . The said proprietor called a greeting as they passed up the stairs , but it went unanswered save for an abstract wave from Natalia . As soon as they reached the door to the room , she flung it open , walked in , kicked her boots off , and collapsed on a chair sitting in the corner . Drakon entered with a slight deal more gracefully , and only walked quickly to the window . The room itself was rather Spartan - a bed , two chairs , a desk , fireplace , and window being the only items of notice . He opened the shutters to a biting wind , so quickly slammed them shut . " Ah , just think , soon it 'll be a blizzard , not rain . Won 't that be the day . It 's been far too long since winter graced us . " " Warmth , " she finished . " And I don 't . It 's fair enough that you get your half year , than I get mine , eh ? " A brief exchange , just as many of theirs were . Knowing the other as well as they did , they rarely needed a long conversation to convey their feelings . Yet on some occasions they did have long talks ; mostly on days like this . A snow they could use , but a rainstorm such as often beset these regions was no time to be out . After a few minutes of fruitless attempts , Drakon managed to light a fire in the hearth , and the glow of it cheered the drab room . He turned to the desk where Natalia was setting up a chess board . " What ? " she queried , raising one eyebrow . " Not as though there 's much else to occupy ourselves with ; at least , not until the worst of the storm blows over . " " True . " Drakon rubbed his hands together rapidly to warm them , and sat upon the unoccupied chair . Natalia had already chosen white , so he set the black pieces on the designated squares . She was fond of playing the whites for the first move advantage they offered . She always preferred to attack rather than defend . Within a few moments the game began . It didn 't take long for Natalia to begin her offensive , giving Drakon no other option than to elaborate in a defensive position . Thus having his forces restricted , Natalia found the space and time needed to bring forward supporting castles and pawns . While her pieces attacked the right of his army , Drakon shifted his king to his left , bringing forward a castle next . Her one advance momentarily checked , Natalia began an advance down from her right . Finding him unwilling to engage her vanguard , she pushed forward with three pawns another square before halting , than sacrificed a bishop and rook from the right to back the spearhead . At last forced into action , Drakon initiated the bloodbath and exchanged for three pawns ; two of her own , one of his . Not daunted , Natalia brought a bishop through the strait opened by the battle , positioning it behind her remaining offensive pawn . While he moved to counter this threat , she attacked on his right again . Forcing two of his pawns for one of hers , she brought a castle through the channel , backing it with a queen and pawn . Drakon chose to forgo capturing her castle in favor of securing his left by positioning another bishop in range of hers . And on it went , move for move , until the scales finally weighed heavily in Natalia 's favor . Capitalizing off of an oversight , she moved a piece ahead and stayed there . With that advantage , she attacked and took his center , splitting his forces in two . This accomplished , it was only a matter of time before she tipped over his king . Drakon sat back with a heavy sigh , analyzing his loss . " You gave me the advantage too early , " Natalia offered , resetting the pieces as she went . " If you cannot go on the offensive , you simply cannot win . " She looked thoughtful for a moment . " You could say I was convinced that in time I could out - spar you . " He simply kept smiling until she laughed and threw up her hands . " Alright , fine , I did think I could out - spar you . I suppose I did overestimate myself slightly - slightly - in that case . " " Nothing specifically wrong , just faulty against me . The same offensive tendencies that serve you so well in strategy or against a lesser opponent are the specific thing I specialize in combating . Namely , the way you attack me is the way I get my advantage . " He flicked the king piece lightly , causing it to tip over . " I didn 't say that , " he replied , bringing the king back to stand aright , " and you will find the needed methods soon . There is a way around everything , and as long as you look for it long enough , you will find it . That 's the primary principle that guides your strategy and combat , is it not ? " " But such is life , and it goes on . " She walked to the window and opened the shutter . " The rain has lessened , and the wind is passing . " Their duties - the reason they had free stay at the village , and the reason men bowed in deference as they passed by . As peaceful as the village seemed , it had a besetting plague , namely , the aforementioned raids . The reasons why were long shrouded in legend or myth , but as far as the old could remember , the raiders were a remnant of a once greater army that once roamed the land . It had been engaged by a superior force and scattered , but some large remnants stayed together . There were rumors that a city had been established by the said remnants , and that from the city they raided far and wide over the surrounding area . Whatever the case , many details were missing from the tale , for it had passed long ago . More immediate on most people 's minds were the raids enacted on their valley . Drakon had arrived in the village the very day of one such attack , and his quick action had saved most all from a sanguinary fate ( as by this time , the raiders cared little for the village as a possession , but only for an object of revenge which they came around to once a year ) . All unanimously voted to give him a free stay in the place in exchange for protection ; to their great fortune , he accepted the offer . The raids had not stopped with his presence , but with him they were not so overwhelming in most people 's minds . Natalia 's arrival was also a stroke of luck , and her tactical expertise soon became invaluable . In essence , they were the people 's guardians , respected icons . So it was that as they stepped out from the inns threshold , those passing made a slight inclination to their robed figures . As earlier said , some bowed of respect , some of fear . The respect and fear was not so much separate emotions as mixed , for the two evoked mixed reactions . While Drakon was easier to simply respect , the people found it harder to give the same to Natalia without a twinge of nervousness . Not that one should blame them . For though a slight figure , she was intimidating in her own way . The tendency for her hand to almost always rest near her sword escaped few , and her strikingly pale face gazing at them intently from beneath a tattered black robe and hood enhanced the picture . Not only , but she had a reputation of being terrible in anger . Of course , once she began to speak their fear disappeared , for she could be as amiable ( or cutting ) as she wished to be . The roads were quite busy by this hour , and the village veritably sang with life . A hammer on red metal , men calling their wares , women hanging their washing on lines , children screaming in their play , a horseman trying to weave down the road , all these and many more contributed to the sights , smells , and action of the morning . Now , on this morning , their duties consisted not of saving the village from hostile attackers , but in training to do so . The barracks was their destination of choice for this task , and they found it shortly . The said structure was a reasonably impressive sight , its height reaching above most other buildings that stood about . In front of the front gate was a broad , unpaved courtyard , and into this muddy mess the two strode . The training went in segments of hours and men . First ten for a time , than another ten , and two more . Being that the four absent men had just arrived , Natalia took charge of them first , and Drakon to the captain . Their methods of training differed , so they would switch halfway through , letting the men have an even balance of both methods . Natalia set eight men to spar in pairs , and took one to spar with her . The remaining man was to watch Natalia and the other guards match . Both Natalia and her opponent were using wooden weapons , so she felt it her prerogative to not give him much leeway . They exchanged a series of six blows before she struck him with three rapid slashes . After several minutes of this , the watcher took his place , and the same ensued . Soon she took another pair , and on it went . Drakon on the other hand was having an extended match with the captain . He was a worthy soldier , practically the only real man with any officer training - a leftover from the last Nassian patrol to make it out this far . He had used to make the calls before Drakon 's arrival , and he was still partly bitter over the loss . But true to his training , he made no fuss about it , keeping his personal issues out of the public eye . Though he was by no means a poor swordsman , Drakon found only small difficulty in continuing to strike him time after time . The captain would parry a few blows , but one would always slip through no matter how hard he tried . Fortunately , Drakon did more teaching than actual sparing ; to him , the fighting was only to prove what one had learned , not the learning in itself . And so went the day , and one group after another come for their turn . At last , the last bruised group of soldiers half limped out of the barracks ground . It was late afternoon , and the all activity was winding down . The wind which had been long absent once again reasserted itself in full force , and with it came the rain . In spite of the increasingly hostile elements , neither Natalia nor Drakon left the courtyard . Both were long soaked through from the steady drizzle , and their garments were soiled from the mud that lay beneath their feet . Drakon strode over to a pole standing nearby and drew his sword from the sheath that lay against it . Natalia began to walk towards him , a naked blade already in her hand . Drakon turned and relaxed into a defensive stance , his own weapon held in front of him , the tip aiming slightly towards the ground . He called out to her over the tempest . " Ready ? " She smiled and drew her sword up by her neck , the blade facing Drakon , than halted directly in front of him . For a moment they stood in the pouring rain , the one facing the other . Suddenly , Natalia lunged , making a rapid stab at his figure . As Drakon deflected the blow she continued to move forward , slashing at his left . Drakon exchanged her quick blows with his own , waiting for his opening . Finding it , he ducked one sweeping blow and thrust forward . Natalia pivoted in the soil , avoiding his first attack while simultaneously bringing her sword back for another try . Drakon stepped back and waited for her next assault , his position the same as when he had started . Natalia moved again , beginning with a slash for his left shoulder . This he blocked , and shoving her arm back , followed with an overhead attack . Natalia parried the heavy cut , turning its direction to the floor and lashed out with her foot , catching him in the chest . He fell full in the mud , his sword still grasped in his hand . Natalia stabbed downward at his prostrate figure , yet again he deflected her attempt . Shifting to his knees , he lashed out at her legs . She leapt over the blow . She brought her sword around her back and swept it underhand at Drakon as he rose , upsetting his balance . Rather than fall again , he stepped back a few paces to regain his balance . Natalia chose this opportunity and leapt forward with her sword grasped in both hands . Drakon braced one foot behind him and met her charge head on . He turned aside her blade with his own and rotated , allowing her to stumble past . With no sure footing in the mire , she fell to her knees . Turning and standing , she found Drakon in the same place and pose as when they had begun . She stopped for a moment , as if considering her options than sprang again , but viciously hurled her sword in front of her . Drakon skillfully deflected the missile and Natalia snatched it from the air , still running . She sliced at his left twice , than leaned far back to avoid his return stab . Undaunted , she slashed again and pressed forward , locking their blades . Drakon pushed down with his superior strength , slowly bringing her to her knees . Than , he twisted and kicked at her hand , ripping the weapon from her grasp and flinging her to the ground . Before she could rise he brought his sword to her neck . Natalia just looked at him for a moment . She reached up and flicked the blade with her ungloved fingers , than pushed it to the side , taking the hand he offered her . Reaching her feet , she flipped her sword from the ground with her foot , catching it as it flew . When they reached the inn , they entered quite a different atmosphere than when they had first left it . The haze of pipe smoke filled the room , carrying with it came the scent of a roaring wood fire . Tables had been set all throughout the room , and each chair about them was filled with smoking , eating , or drinking men . Indeed , it was the place to relax after a hard day 's labor , and all enjoyed it to the full . Drakon was instantly uneasy in these surroundings . Environments such as this were simply against his grain . He quickly excused himself and left to his room , leaving Natalia to fend for herself . Unlike him , this was her element . She had the natural ability to adapt to most any surrounding , and this was no more a challenge than anything else . Within a few moments she had removed her cloak and hung it by the fire , then mixed with the merry crowd . After sending a meal for Drakon , she ordered her own and settled to enjoy the moment . It was a good few hours of drinks and carefree conversation before she left the room , a chorus of farewells following in her path . She entered the room quietly , guessing Drakon might be already at rest . A correct assumption , for she found him in one of the chairs , his feet kicked up upon the rough desk . It is kind , she mused , that he should always leave the bed for me . It was late in the night when she awoke . Her eyes adjusted slowly to the soft light , and as they did , she saw Drakon sitting in a chair close to her bed . His head was hung low , for he was in a deep sleep , but in his two hands he held one of her own . She closed her eyes and smiled strangely . She was asleep again in minutes . Chapter Three : We have heard word of a village to the north , a prosperous , well - defended valley . I hardly think it worth my while , but it 's better news than anything I 've heard in a miserable month . Besides , the captured barbarians have promised to step lead the attack so long as we follow - if they want to kill themselves first , that 's fine with me . Nothing worth keeping from their land , anyways . Nothing but scattered villages full of savages and one or two poorly designed cities . No matter , we march to the valley . The days passed over at an even pace , just as they always did . A week , two weeks , and than the first snow . It came within the night and kept falling for three days . Finally , once exhausted of their load , the clouds lifted higher in the sky , forming a bastion of dark grey as far as the horizon reached . All was quiet . Drakon awoke slowly , and sat up in the bed . The fire had long gone out , and but charred pieces of wood remained . He quickly pulled on his cloak and boots , eager to be fully dressed in this freezing weather . He blew upon his hands and on pulled heavy leather gauntlets . His path took him to the door , and he buckled his sword belt about him as walked . Casting one last look at the empty room , he shut the door and took the stairs to the ground floor of the inn . Declining a breakfast , he strode out into the chilled world . Everything glistened , everything shone . Spears of ice hung from the eaves of every house , and every window was fast shut . His breath was visible as he paced back and forth upon the town center , his hands clasped tightly behind his back . His duty remained here , but he was deeply concerned . Natalia had left inn before the last night . When he asked where she was going , she only gave him her typical answer . He shook his head . It only happened after a poor night , but they had been coming more and more frequently . There was nothing he could do save hold her hand as she tossed , nothing but try to give comfort to her tormented mind . He would never wake her - not unless she screamed . He had to let things run their course and hope for the best . Even as snow fell upon the valley , so did a heavier fall come upon a single line of footprints that led far into the wilderness . The footprints would soon be covered , but it mattered not to Natalia ; she knew the way . She walked slowly , as if uneager to take the road she did . The strong wind had blown the snow from her path , and it lay piled in great mounds underneath the trees . Yet she walked beneath the sky , defying the snow that fell . Let it fall , she said in her heart . I care not . And in truth she did not care . She cared about very little at the moment . The wind picked up its fury , and the already thick fall was blown about in a fury , yet she seemed not to notice . Perhaps she drew the cloak a little tighter about her , or perhaps she pulled the hood lower over her face ; nothing else . In spite of any moves she might have made to warm herself , one hand ever remained near the hilt of her sword . She had learned , even before coming to the valley , the value , the necessity of being ever ready . That is why she would turn with drawn sword upon a sudden , if even familiar voice . She didn 't allow herself the chance . The breath of the heavens ever increased its speed , and ever more violent were its gusts . Yet she smiled . The hand that stayed near the hilt now grasped it , and drew it from its casing . She couldn 't afford the blade sticking in case of need . She absently twirled the silvery blade as she walked . In spite of the heavy gauntlets and cold she could still move nimbly . Her eyes now strayed to the right and to the left , as though looking for something . The fools . What do they think is beyond their valley ? They forget from whence they came . Save the captain , Drakon is the only one among them has ever been beyond this cursed divide . Suddenly she stopped . Her strange smile changed into a look of resignation . " At last , " she whispered to the wind . There before her rose a small , thatched shelter . It was perfectly round , and curved to a dome at the top . No snow rested on upon it , no , not even if the heavens let forth all they could muster would the dome be overshadowed . She strode up to the side , and began to run her hands along it . In but a moment she found what she needed , and a door opened for her . She stepped in and closed the door , then leaned upon it . Her eyes danced merrily about , lighting as they rested on the pool of steaming water that rested within the exact center of the structure . Resting both her hands on the thatched wall , she pushed herself softly forward . She walked to the pool and knelt beside its waters . " Good God , " she muttered and tossed it to the side . She removed her cloak and threw it with the sword , followed by her robe and any other articles of clothing . She stepped into the pool and walked until the water reached her neck . Natalia closed her eyes , reveling in the memories that came with this secluded place . Drakon had long ago retreated to the inn - food and fire 's call was hard to ignore , especially on days like this . Frothing ale and a hot meal played its effect happily on him , and before long he found himself sitting before the fire , his feet kicked up on a stool . Slowly his eyes closed … A sudden scream ripped through the homely air . Drakon awoke in a confusion , the silence of sleep suddenly torn by the terrible sound . Than came another noise , this of a many - throated shout . " Get upstairs ! " Drakon roared , and than was gone from the door . More screams now filled the air , and mingled with them the hoarse , mocking shouts of many men . One such crossed Drakon 's path as he ran , swinging a torch and spear wildly - screaming all the while , naturally . Drakon sliced first the spear , than the torch in two , finishing with their bearer . His eyes swept furiously to the left where the majority of the noise seemed to be , and found scores of men charging through the narrow alleys and into the square . Fires were already springing up from some many houses in their path , and screams echoing dully from within told of much more . Drakon broke into a light run , meeting them head on . He vaguely saw from the back of his vision other figures dashing to battle with him , but paid them no heed . He reached the first within seconds , and slipping a stab in under the man 's guard , threw his sword at the next . He withdrew the weapon as the man fell to the ground , still running . As the next approached he feinted right , than sidestepped left , striking again and laying another to the snow . Now he was dashing full across the square , desperate to employ his arms at the burning , screaming cottages . Another leapt from the side , sword raised . Drakon ducked and turned in the snow , lashing out and striking the attacker a swift blow as he passed . More shouts came from the alleys directly ahead , and yet more shapes appeared . He speedily halted as a huge man brandishing an axe broke from the alley and lunged for him . Drakon parried the heavy blow , turning its momentum to the ground and pinning the axe with his foot . The raider responded with an incredible hit form his fist , sending Drakon sprawling backwards into the snow . Dazedly , he scuttled backwards as the raider swung again . A miss , but too close for comfort . Than , just as the man raised his axe again , a second figure appeared and hacked the man to the floor . Drakon scrambled to his feet and cast his eyes about the square . Scores of raiders were streaming in , but now were being met with the rallying soldiery of the village . Thirteen buildings were ablaze , and figures came streaming from them , laughing coarsely and carrying torches . Horror passed briefly over Drakon 's face as he realized the screams from within the buildings were now silenced . He drew back his sword and hurled it fiercely at one torch - bearer , pinning him to a doorway . Picking an axe from the earth , he did the same to another dashing from the same door . More shouts rang our from behind , and he turned to see dozens more entering the town center from the north - east . They ran , screaming , shouting , roaring , into the backs of the village guardsmen . With that sight swelling his blood , he moved forward and dashed towards the nearest ragged line of raiders , snow flying in his path . Nearing it , he leapt over the first spears to land upon their owners . As they fell under his weight he slashed about with his weapon , felling some and causing some to draw back . Landing on his feet , he caught a spear from a falling soldier and with it swept aside three like weapons being thrust towards him . More and more came streaming to him , scattering and gathering and circling about him . So began a battle within the frozen square . The guardsmen could not aid him , so entangled were they in their own battles . He fought surrounded , yet unwavering . The wind blew upon the heavens , and snow fell heavy about him as he held to his weapon in an iron grip . With that deathly cold brand he whipped the air about him into a resonating fury , and all that came upon him were met by its sting . And so he battled , with all the ferocity of the cornered warrior he was . Again and again his blade found its mark within his foes , and too many times did an ill fated man fall to the snow . Yet he could not stand alone , for even as they fell , so did his own blood fall to stain the glistening white floor . Three scores lay shattered before his sword , and another three hedged him in on all sides , rushing madly at him in sporadic groups . The deadly spears came from every side , pressing the bedraggled warrior hard . His faith began to fall within him , for he had seen through the press for a moment , and saw that the guards were pushed near . Fires were springing up from houses all about - the air was filled with the dreadful ringing of alarm bells , the shouts of men , and the screams of women . But it was now , even as his hope failed , that a fierce cry of challenge was raised from beyond the circle in which Drakon was hedged . A spear flew hard into the back of one soldier , followed shortly by three more . Others turned , but were met with the same fate as their fellows . Natalia strode brazenly across the crimson snow , flicking weapons from the snow at every step . As they flew upward she caught and launched them at Drakon 's attackers . Her countenance burned with as deadly a cold as did his blade . The soldiers were thrown into confusion , and in their uncertainty Drakon seized his opportunity . He leapt at the wavering line and slashed heavily at the bewildered men . Caught between the two warriors , the line broke and fled , some into the hedges of spears intended for their foes . Natalia ran to Drakon 's side , and together they turned to the raiders that still stood . A score routed before the two even reached it , and the another held for only a moment before following suit . Drakon , still in a fury of the battle , reached to the ground for a spear , the adrenaline barely allowing him to feel the pain his wounds were causing him . More raiders dashed into the square . Some halted in shock at the red snow ahead of them , and others gazed upon the bodies of several scores lying about the ground . Their hesitation lasted not for long , and they advanced again , albeit shaken . Drakon darted forward with both the spear and sword in his hands . Reaching the first cluster , he thrust his spear under their own and forced four weapons into the air . This achieved , he pushed hard , sending the men flying back into their fellows . Natalia slid into the gap cut about with her own blade , forcing the break throughout the company , splitting it in two . Drakon dashed on through the press and to the second approaching group . The men , caught in the confusion of fear , cried aloud and charged him . Almost twelve of those barbarians fell gasping to the ground within seconds as he lithely danced among their ranks , and ten more fell by his short , slender blade almost before they realized what had happened . The remaining companies of raiders halted as the routing survivors of the others raced past them . After but a moment of indecision , they too broke and ran . The two warriors rested a little space , gazing about them . It was than that they noticed that the square was suddenly quiet . Almost eighty guards also stood still , looking about at their fallen foes . Even the bells had ceased tolling , and the screams had silenced . Yet from this silence a faint sound was heard slowly rising from the woods . As it neared , it could be distinguished as many voices singing - voices singing within the noise of ordered marching . And as the wearied warriors leaned on their swords , gasping for their breath , a great line broke from the forest and onto the open hillside . It was four men deep , each well - armored and in perfect rank and file . A banner flew over them - a red helm on a black field . Behind them another line came marching , singing all the while . Drakon looked to Natalia , but no words came . She was still breathing heavily , but when she found her breath , she turned to Drakon . He did , and hope died within him . What looked like two thousand soldiers were marching down the hillside , horsemen trotting along the flanks . " You can 't fight that ! " she said , quietly . " None of us can . " " Don 't you see it ! ? " she fairly shouted , careless for the bewildered eyes of the four score guards standing near . The fury of battle was still upon her , and her words came careless . " We can 't do anything ! I don 't plan on dying now ; maybe soon , but not now ! So lets go ! " " How ? ! It doesn 't take nine years of military training to know that eighty novice guardsmen and two wounded officers cannot stand versus - THAT ! " and she gestured furiously to the approaching lines . " Don 't give me that ! " " What do you want us to do , man ? " Natalia said . " We - " and her voice was overrun by a shout from the guardsmen - the first line had entered the square . " Do what you wish , " Natalia said softly , " but do not meddle in my affairs . Come along , Drakon . " She turned and disappeared into an alleyway . Drakon looked desperately after her , than to the thousand - strong company of soldiers quickly closing ground towards them . Finally , with one last glance to the army , he dashed after Natalia . They left the village and raced through the trees with a speed borne of desperation . For almost an hour they ran , not once looking back or speaking . Sorrow and anger pushed them and sustained them beyond their initial weariness , but even that was soon exhausted . Presently Drakon pitched forward into the snow . Natalia turned back to him and dragged him to a tree . " Very well , " she breathed , " take a moment . " He weakly smiled his thanks . " Natalia , " he said , suddenly noticing a poorly - bandaged wound in her side , " you didn 't receive that back … back there ? " by Prince Imdol » Tue Dec 11 , 2007 12 : 07 pm I read some excerpts and it looks good . When I get to the weekend , I will see if I have any time to read this . Hopefully I will ! P . I by Prince Imdol » Tue Dec 11 , 2007 6 : 46 pm Read the first chapter . I like the way you hinted Drakon 's love for Natalia . ( please note me if I am wrong . ) by The Yeti » Wed Dec 12 , 2007 12 : 11 am Just so everyone knows , almost all Megablocks are bl * * dy . . . I had no idea a non swear word was not permetted , otherwise I wouldn 't have used it . So sorry . . . by Prince Imdol » Wed Dec 12 , 2007 4 : 18 am Personally , I believe swears are ok in stories . They are stories , and you are doing them to try to make them more real . Right ? If not , make a Freewebs site , and just put them there . Almost all of our stories have swears . Mine does not though . by The Yeti » Fri Dec 14 , 2007 6 : 11 pm OK , well , I do hate to double post , but oh well . I guess this is just to say that if anyone actually wants to see more of this , do post . If there 's nothing by the weekend 's finish , I think I 'll just leave it . . . by Sir Kohran » Fri Dec 14 , 2007 11 : 13 pm The Yeti wrote : OK , well , I do hate to double post , but oh well . I guess this is just to say that if anyone actually wants to see more of this , do post . If there 's nothing by the weekend 's finish , I think I 'll just leave it . . . by The Yeti » Sat Dec 15 , 2007 12 : 29 am OK than . Sir Kohran , i 'm sorry for the text , and that 's why i asked . It wasnt in a bitter way , just in a " if it 's too much text to read and it 's not worth the trouble I won 't inconveniance anyone anymore " kind of way . I just don 't want to take up valuable server space with something no one will enjoy , that 's all . Funny things DO happen - - just never when you need them . . . by Tower of Iron Will » Thu Jan 10 , 2008 10 : 30 pm A very good read so far . I would suggest some editing by someone who is proficient with grammer ( like a professor or college grad who likes to write ) . In the first part I would edit some of the word choices and sentence structure . The reason I suggest this is that grammer is one of the pet peaves I have about my own stories . The above concerns aside , this is a very good story . The tone that is set in the first part draws the reader in , asking why the heroine is so sad or remorseful . The emotions shown are powerful and dynamic . |
We don 't have a definite date yet , but The Shape of Love is going to print within the next few days ! It 's very exciting ! I don 't even know how I 'll react when I get to hold the book in my hands ! Now it 's promotion time , which is a totally new experience for me . And if the books come in time , I 'll get to participate in my very first book signing . I already said how excited I am , but there 's a part of me that 's a little bit nervous too . According to my horoscope February is supposed to be a wonderful month for me in love , money , and career . ( except for when Mercury goes retrograde again ) Ha ! I don 't know why I continue to check it , but I do . I 'll let you know how it all works out at the end of the month . Might be fun . Now I 'm waiting for the dudes to show up and switch my stuff around . I 'm trying to get all my Internet work done before they get here . Which is kind of funny since I never seem to be done on the ' net . And I just realized , as I went down to switch one of the million and a half loads of laundry to be done , that they 'll probably need to go into the basement to do their thing . Uh . Not good . Currently , our basement is worse than the depths of hell . No , that 's not an exaggeration . Plus , I never did get around to pulling out my desk and cleaning behind it . Oh well . . . it is what it is . Don 't forget . . . New Supernatural tonight ! Sam and Dean and spooky stuff and Sam and Dean and cars and Sam and Dean . . . oh , I can 't wait ! ! There 's only 4 more episdoes left because of the writer 's strike . All I can say is , I hope the writers get what they deserve soon so they can write more episodes ! A world without Supernatural is not a good world . At all . Tomorrow I 'll probably gush more about Supernatural . Consider yourselves warned ! Behave ! Well , howdy ! It 's so windy here - and it 's blowing a cutting wind right into your bones . Brrr . . . The Shape of Love is coming ! More details as they become available , but it won 't be long now . Whoot ! Tomorrow I sit and wait for the new Internet and phone hook up . Most likely I 'll be without phone and the ' net for hours . I have no idea what I 'm going to do with myself during that time . Scratch that . I know what I 'll be doing . The outage is probably for the best . I might actually get some work done . Of course , there will be strange people working on and in my house as they hook up stuff . Kind of weird . Oh , and maybe I should clean behind my desk before they get here . I should , but am pretty sure that 's not going to happen since I have errands to run before they get here . I 'm trying not to watch American Idol right now , but it 's not working . Man , some of the people auditioning make me cringe in embarassment for them . And it makes me crazy when contestants trash the show after the judges have passed . That 's your Wednesday update . Nothing special , I admit , but . . . The most important thing is . . . New Supernatural tomorrow ! Whoot ! Behave ! Today was one of those days where I ran from the second I got out of bed until . . . well , now I guess . Or maybe still . I might not be careening around like a chicken with my head cut off ( a cliche for you ) since I 'm finally sitting down , but I 'm still very busy , so I don 't know exactly what that means . Doing some computer maintenance - okay , I didn 't do it because I 'm too impatient and I wasn 't quite sure where to go to achieve what needed done - but thanks to some help from a friend , the desktop is most likely ready to handle the new Internet service that 's coming . And yes , it 's my own fault for running around like a spaz all day . If I would have prepared for tonight in smaller increments instead of waiting until the last minute , I wouldn 't have been checking homework , running the vacuum , and dragging mattresses around ten minutes before our guests were due to arrive . What 's up with the mattresses , you ask ? Okay , so it was only one . I decided not to touch the box springs after what the mattress did to me . Anyway , when we helped our friend move , she gave us her very rarely used double bed set up for K3 . It sat in my kitchen overnight , then in my dining room . ( I did tell you time has been short around here ) Even though I knew our guests wouldn 't care , I cared . So K2 and I shoved , strained , and finagled the danged thing up to the third floor . It wasn 't easy since there was nothing to hold onto , but I 've very proud of myself for not letting out the expletives I was thinking . I highly doubt the box spring is going to fit up the narrow stairway to the third floor . We 'll see what happens with that . Anyway ( again ) . Where was I ? Oh . And no , I didn 't have to make the dinner that required a little more preparation than tossing some chicken into a pan . But I wanted to . It was worth it . Besides my computer getting all spiffy and happy , we had a good time - which is all that matters . And my house is in pretty decent shape now , so I can spend the rest of the week doing what I need to do without tripping over something stupid that Posted by There isn 't much to report . Oh , except that . . . The Shape of Love will most likely be released in both paper and ebook sometime in February . I 'll let you know once we get a definite date . On the writing front . . . I 'm back into the swing of Out of the Shadows . I 'll put the word meter back up soon . If you 'll notice , I updated my blog a little bit . I 'm still playing with that and trying to get the links back up - so if you were there before and aren 't now . . . no worries . I 'm working on it . On the home front . . . Not much . We continue to run around like crazy people . No end to that in sight . The younger K 's appear to have hit growth spurt central just in the past 2 weeks . We just did new shoes , and now it 's pants . The jeans from Christmas are too short already . K3 is soon going to be as tall as me , ( which is good because he needs to grow into his feet ) and I don 't think K4 will be too far behind . New Supernatural on Thursday ! I can 't tell you how happy that makes me . I miss the boys . That 's all I have for now . I hope your weekend was fantastic . Behave ! We have the cover for " The Shape of Love " . Yay ! ! Unfortunately , we 're not allowed to share . Not yet . Soon ! Seeing my name on the front of the cover was a thrill I hope I never get used to . It 's very exciting . In other stuff , I 'm racing around the house like a crazy woman trying to find the list of the things K3 needs for his " basic aid " class at school . The items are due tomorrow , and all I know is that he needs a magazine and a sheet cut into 2 different sized bundles . Ack ! I 'm driving myself nuts because I never lose stuff like this . The list was just here on my desk and now it 's gone . Did I say this is due tomorrow ? Yeah . Off to search some more ! Behave ! It just is . I can 't explain , except that it 's the middle of January and don 't we all usually feel a little " meh " this time of year ? Around here , it 's not the lack of activity . Most of the stuff going on now is cub scout related . Dinners , derby 's , the preparation for bridging into boy scouts - and a bunch of other stuff that will be taking up our weekends for a little while . It 's hard to believe that we 'll soon walk away from the cub scout world that we 've been a part of for the last 13 years . I can 't think too hard about that or I 'll get all nostalgic . ( You should be used to that by now ) What else ? Hmm . . . not much . I told you it 's been a dull day . Still bitterly , horribly cold out there . I spent my day freezing . I swear my leg bone actually froze . You could have lit my pants on fire and I would have said it felt good . I got a little excited when some flakes started falling , but my thrill was short lived . Dang it . That 's all . Behave ! You 'd think there 'd be a little more time to get everything done since the kids were off school today , but that doesn 't seem to be the case . Sleeping in was wonderful , though considering the poor quality sleep I had last night , it was more necessary than an indulgence . Our water bed was freezing . I finally got up , using the light on my pen and checked the thermostat to find it turned down to 70 * . Did I mention it 's pretty much single - digit temps around here ? I 'm not sure how the dial got moved , but finding B 's hand hovering above kind of gives me a clue , plus it moves very easy . We 'll have to come up with a way to stop that from happening . Last time it was the opposite , the bed was so hot you couldn 't even get under the covers . Anyway . Today has been anything than a casual , relaxing day . Errands , shoe buying , unpleasant attitudes from several of the K 's , and laundry . . . ' nuff said . My edits are finished thanks to staying up until 1 a . m . last night . Whoot ! Now I have a critique to do , and then I 'll decide what 's next . Man , it 's taken me a long time to write this . Between the printer malfunctioning , the younger K 's bickering , and K2 leaving to go to the mall with her cousins , this should be pages long with the time it 's taken . That is all . Behave ! Man , it 's cold outside . The temps around 18 * and the wind chill puts it down to 3 * . The dog doesn 't seem to get that it 's too cold for her to stay outside any longer than it takes to do her business . I don 't know how long this cold snaps supposed to last , let 's just hope it 's not too long . Moving day went okay yesterday . Luckily , it wasn 't quite this cold . Our friend was well prepared and had plenty of help , so we were done at a fairly decent time . After we got her bed put together , we went ahead and made it for her , and of course , couldn 't just be nice and make it the right way . She hasn 't called to yell about that yet . I need to get the picture my brother in law took of my " redneck skiing " . Picture a moving cart - one of those four wheel deals with a hole in the middle - and a pair of crutches . Everyone was yelling at me to stop before I fell and hurt myself . Today I 'm writing - well , working on edits - and trying to stay warm . Hope your weekend is going well . Behave ! So . . . We had snow , but not enough to mess plans up or delay school . I 'm not sure how I feel about that . The extra few hours of sleep would have been sweet . Today 's been busy so far . The usual Friday madness - bills , grocery shopping , taking care of family business . Friday is supposed to be my day off from writing , but not this week . I 'm moving back to the edits shortly now that the urgent household chores are taken care of . The family is even having leftovers for dinner so I can work . They don 't know that yet . Anyway . Sometimes I 'm lucky enough to find a song , or a few songs , that suits my work in progress well . The funny thing is , this time I didn 't find that song until I hit the editing stage . I know it sounds weird , but the focus I gain from listening really helps . I think I need to pay more attention to the music when I 'm working . I used to , but have gotten away from it with the loss of my headphones . I 've borrowed K2 's for now , and we 'll see if I move any faster on the edits now . That 's about it for today . More snow is expected overnight , but since we 're helping a friend move tomorrow it would not be a good thing . We 'll see . Behave ! Yes , it 's snowing here . Yay ! It started coming down about an hour and a half ago , and already it 's laying on the sidewalks and trees . It 's the perfect topper on what 's been a pretty decent two days around here . Our cover for " The Shape of Love " is nearly finished . As soon as I get the okay to share , I 'll post it . Things are moving along , and hopefully we 'll know the release date soon . I 'm holed up in my " spot " , doing my thing ( taking a short break right now ) . K2 is home already due to mid - term exams and is currently working on my last nerve with random loud noises and constant talking though she knows I 'm trying to concentrate . ( Every time I give her " the look " , she apologizes profusely . Except it only lasts less then a minute before the noise starts again . ) She 's talking to me , the dog , the cat , and the computer while commenting on my choice of music . Oh , and making up new words to the songs . Yeah . On another front , there 's a spectacular chance one of her new hamsters is with child . We 'll see , but the critter is very round and grumpy , and has made a nest . Apparently , the pregnancy only lasts about 21 days . She 's had the thing 14 days . Oh , and they go into heat about every 4 days . I can 't help but see every available container filled with little furry things as they continue to excessively reproduce . Back to work . Behave ! As you can see I 've finally updated the links to the left . The first new one is my my space page , click on over and friend me if you want to ( and you have a my space ) . The second link is the link to my publisher . Head over and check out the coming soon page . " The Shape of Love " is on there , though we 're still waiting on our cover art , and if you get a chance go to the blog section and see what 's being said about the book . Our back cover blurbs are up . The desktop computer is feeling a bit better , though still running slow since I haven 't removed the pictures or music yet . That 's coming once I get some discs and convince the older two to take care of the stuff on their screen names . I spend quite a bit of time yesterday trying to heal it , and feel pretty good about at least helping it run faster . On the writing front , I 'm still working on edits . This is the final stage of rearranging a thread , upping some tension , and making sure everything makes sense . After that , I have a few other projects to make decisions on and I need to get back to OotS . I 'm feeling it though - organized , hopeful , sharper , and ready to rock and roll . Oh , and there 's our annual writer 's retreat planning going on . I 'm the committee chair this year , and though it doesn 't require a lot of work , there are still things to take care of . I 'm excited , but it 's not until May . Except I have a suspicion May will be here before we know it - especially since it 's already the middle of January . That 's about it . I 'm off to the editing cave . Behave ! Still working on the new My Space . I also need to update around here . I 'll get to it , right now I 'm doing little bits at a time . And dealing with computer woes . The desktop ( the computer the family uses ) is insanely slow right now . When you try to get on the Internet , it 's as slow as dial up . Yeah . Lots of fun . I 've cleared out the junk , ran the clean up tools , and defragmented , and while it 's better . . . still slow and irritating . Slow Internet is almost as bad as no Internet in my opinion . I 'm still working on it . I think the problem is all the " stuff " that 's on it - probably thousands of pictures and hundreds of hours of music . Sharing the computer with two teenagers has many pitfalls . Oh , then there are the infected cookies . Obviously , this is my fault for not doing machine maintenance more often . We didn 't get snow . I 'm a little bummed by that , though not . Oh , and the calendar I thought would slow down now that the holidays are over ? Ha ! I need a catchy title . . . I think Tuesdays are going to be for whining on the blog . Hmm . . . Behave ! ! Don 't ask me why . Maybe I didn 't think I had enough to do already , but I 've made my own my space page . Go here to check it out and if you have a my space , friend me ! ( Remember I 'm still working on it ! ) There 's nothing wrong with the my space I share with Vicky B at all . I just wanted a page that was all about me , and obviously the blog wasn 't a big enough drain on my time . ha ! I 've been working on it pretty much all afternoon , trying to get more than " Tom " on my friends list . There is no other news this weekend . I 've been deep into edits while dealing with a crushing , near - migraine strength headache that sleep , medication , and my glasses ( and a lot of other remedies ) won 't cure . Snow 's in our forecast . We 'll see . I 'm not believing it , though I would like to see some of the white stuff come down . That is all for now . Behave ! Things to do in a restaurant while you 're waiting for the food to come . When my cousin and her fiance were here , we braved an eatery with 20 people in our party . That 's pretty normal for us , especially when we go to the beach , though the crowd is a little bigger then . There 's a lot of wait time and it gets tedious for me , so I can 't imagine how the younger ones cope . Well , yes , I can . It 's like that . I 'm not sure what exactly they were building here , but we 've had little villages of sugar packets stacked together like tents , straw creations , and other random activities that usually make whoever waits on us roll their eyes . And yes , we always clean it up before we leave . You can see I have absolutely nothing to say today . Besides a trip to the grocery store , I plan to spend the day working on edits . I keep thinking we have something planned for this evening , but so far it hasn 't surfaced yet . We 'll see . . . Behave ! Go here , or here , or here to check out this : Fellow My Space cohort , Vicky B 's new release ! Available today from Cerridwen Press ! Blurb : Danger on Xy - OneVicky E . BurkholderBook 3 in the Hunters for Hire seriesCerridwen Press - coming January 10thAleksia Matthews is an asteroid assayer who would like nothing better than to be left alone . Her life is soon turned upside down when a band of ruthless pirates attack her ship . She manages to escape , but fears the worst for her brother . Ali swears revenge . Although well - trained by Fleet Security , she knows she can 't do the job alone . When she literally runs into Jason Cole , a blue - eyed , raven - haired stranger , she knows she has met the perfect partner - in more ways than one . Special agent and Bounty Hunter , Jason Cole has spent the past year tracking the pirates that killed his brother Zack and Zack 's family . He 's always one step behind ; too late to help the victims . There are never any survivors - until now . It is up to him to keep the golden - eyed , auburn - haired beauty alive and out of trouble until the gang can be captured , and maybe longer . Check it out ! You won 't be sorry ! Behave ! 1 . This stupid DVR thing . I figured out how to record stuff , but now I can 't figure out how to watch what I recorded . 2 . It 's cold . Cold in my house . Cold outside . Where 's the snow ? 3 . No new Supernatural . I miss the boys . Apparently , we have to wait until the end of January for a new episode . I am sad . 4 . People hanging over my shoulder when I 'm working / writing email / on the computer . 5 . The fact that no one knows how to hang up their coat . Okay . So it 's a small list for today . I 've been working hard all day . Making progress and feeling pretty good about what I 've accomplished so far . There 's still more to do , so I 'm outta here . Behave ! Yeah , I know it 's been over for a week now , but I finally got my Christmas tree and decorations stored away . Usually , the tree comes down the day after Christmas for various reasons - deadness being the main one . This year that didn 't happen because of time , and because we 'd done so much running around we didn 't feel like we had much chance to enjoy it . It was time though . The tree was done . Dry , with the branches turning brown . Not a lot of needle loss though , which means we 'll definitely be getting this same type of tree again . I even got the stuff from the front porch put away . The only thing I left out was this old , cool sled . Maybe I shouldn 't have put the snowman away . . . maybe I 'll get him back out . I wouldn 't want to jinx any possible snow like I think I did last year . That 's all I have . What a lame post . Behave ! This weather is not cool . I mean , it is . It 's wonderful . Beautiful . Amazing . Nearly 70 * in January . I love it . And I hate it . Because we all know this is a temporary abberation . By this time next week we 're going to be back to freezing our tails off and complaining about how cold it is . This warmth is not going to help us get through that . I 'm a firm believer in snow , but if it 's not snowing it should be warm . Oh well . . . not much to be done about the weather . In other stuff , this new digital cable thing is pretty darned cool . We got a pretty sweet promotional package , so we 've got a few premium channels for free . B and I have been watching " The Stand " each evening and being able to pause and rewind is nifty . No commercials is also pretty nifty . I 'm getting back into my swing with writing . Slowly . I have some editing to do , some other editing to do , more editing to do , and some short stories to work on . Pay no attention to the word meter - its not entirely accurate at the moment . That 's all the Tuesday ramblings I have . Behave ! Okay . Where do I begin ? B prefers to shave his head , especially in the summer months . During the winter , he 'll let it grow out some , but will shave when he has to dress up . ( No , that is not really what his hair looks like when he grows it . Yes , he 's showing a few " thin " spots , but nothing like this ) . So . . . He went up to shave in preparation for one of the 55 gazillion Christmas - type obligations we had when he came downstairs with the hood of his sweatshirt up and says : " How much do you love me ? " To which my answer always is : " What did you do ? " Then he says : " Will you love me when I 'm old ? " And , of course , I said : " You are old . What did you do ? " He proceeds to drop the hood and I thought I was going to die from laughter . I wish we would have had somewhere to go where people would have appreciated what he 'd done because it 's way funnier than this picture , or my story . He shaved not long after , leaving only the photographic memory behind , which is funny enough . Or not . Maybe you have to know him for it to be funny . I don 't know . Anyway . On this same night , he 'd stopped for champagne to toast the signing of The Shape of Love contract . As he popped the cork , it hit the ceiling and then ricocheted back onto his head . Which brought more hysterical laughter from me - so much so I couldn 't even croak out enough words to ask if he was okay . Heck . I couldn 't even breathe . ( My sister did a very similar thing before a wedding , only the cork caught her right between the eyes and left a bloody mark . It 's a long story that I don 't think she appreciates me spreading around , besides , it 's much funnier told in person ) And that 's all I have for this unseasonably warm Monday . Behave ! Yeah . That 's me . I had all these blog topics I wanted to write about , except now that I 'm ready to actually use them I can 't think of a single one , except the funny picture I promised , but the photo file is on the house computer and I 'm not . I was going to blog about what I 'm looking forward to this year , but I 've decided I don 't want to jinx myself too much ( not that I 'm superstitious - but with the luck we had last year . . . that probably makes no sense , but oh well . ) . About the only thing I 'm going to say is how much I 'm looking forward to The Shape of Love coming out . More details soon . I 'll keep you posted . I 'd forgotten my writer 's group decided not to set annual goals any longer . Instead we 'll do the yearly goals prize drawing from the monthly goals . ( I won the yearly goals prize this year ! First time ever and now I have a very cool bag of goodies ! ) So I hurt myself trying to decide what I wanted my yearly goal to be for nothing . Not that I 'd decided anything concrete before the meeting . Still , knowing what I want to get done this year is a good thing and I at least know that much . I 've decided above all else , I need to be a little more flexible so I don 't stress myself out too much . That 's about it for today . Behave ! Today was my monthly writers group meeting . I love my chapter . I always leave the meeting feeling recharged and full of hope . Today was no different even though we were crammed into a small space because our regular room wasn 't available . We were almost sitting on top of each other , but it was still a blast . Then we went pet shopping . K2 wanted another small pet and since she had a cage , and her own money , all she needed from us was transportation and advice . After seeing the coolest Great Dane ( that 's the dog I want ) , we finally found them . Two Russian Dwarf hamsters . They 're very , very cute . I can 't remember what she named them , only that she didn 't take my suggestion of Franks & Beans . They 're all settled into their new home now . I 'll post pictures soon . K3 has decided he wants a snake . Sigh . So yesterday we finally got our digital cable installed . When the ice storm took down our lines , the cable company rep offered us a package that 's cheaper than what we were paying per month . Of course I jumped on that , and since by next year everyone will have to convert to digital , I 'm ahead of the game a little bit . Which is a rare and unusual thing in this house . Anyway . What a cool thing . I 'm digging the music channels and the free movies . We 're still learning how to work it , though I did manage to set the parental controls already . And I can 't believe how awesome the picture quality is , even on our nearly 20 year old floor model television . Well , that 's about it for me . Our weekend is much more relaxed than what it was this time last week and I think we 're still in a state of shock without so much going on . Behave ! This is where we rang in the new year . Around this fire in the freezing cold . See the snow ? And my sister went in her slippers and no socks . The guys had been working on the fire for quite some time before the rest of us left the warmth of my sisters house and traveled down icy , slippery trails to gather by the fire . I don 't think the thing started burning right until those offended by the cold headed back to the warm house . Yes , it was dark - pitch black dark - and you had to watch your step due to standing frozen water , but you know it 's an experience none of us will ever forget . I 'm not sure who will remember the fire fondly , and who will grit their teeth and curse , but we were all together toasting in the new year , hugging , and being thankful for each other , for friends who are family , and wishing those that couldn 't make it could have been there . I still have some funny pics to post . I 'll get them up soon . Right now , I 'm busy organizing myself for the new year . I need to solidify my yearly writing goals before morning . Tomorrow is the first meeting of CPRW for the year , and I get the honor of presenting our chapter service award . Which means I have to give a speech . . . I don 't do so hot with speeches . The mere thought of standing up in front of my peers has my stomach tightening . And these are people I 've known for years - my friends and fellow writers . Yes , it 's something I need to work on . The funny thing is , I can stand with these same people , repeat the exact same words from my speech and not start talking too fast , or tripping over my words , or turning red , or stammering like a fool , but make me stand up while everyone watched expectantly . . . shiver , shiver . I 'll let you know how it goes . In the meantime , enjoy your Friday and the weekend and . . . Behave ! Isn 't she cute ? Her name is Cleo and she 's a four - week old dachshund . She belongs to K1 's girlfriend , along with another younger litter of many ( I can 't remember the number ) . They brought the puppy over yesterday and I haven 't heard the end of it yet . As I tucked K4 in last night , she called me back into the room and said , in a really sad voice , " I really think we need another puppy " . Ack ! They 're all bugging . Who 's supposed to take care of the puppy when they 're all off doing their own thing ? Potty training ? Cleaning up messes ? Yeah . Don 't get me wrong , she 's adorable . I know eventually we 'll end up with another dog . I 'm not ready yet , and neither is our dog . Or the cat , who was rather irritated this black and tan creature was in his domain sucking up all the attention . There 's not much chance of me backing down on this one , but just in case , no one is allowed to say " I knew it " , okay ? Behave ! And whew ! I hope your new year celebrating went well . We had a blast . I think this new years eve ranks as one of the best yet , even though we didn 't get to bed until three in the morning . There were 23 of us spending the night in my sisters house . Yeah . Think major chaos and you have it . Oh and my sisters macaw was along as well - I know I 've told you about him . Three dogs and lots of craziness . We played games , laughed , talked , and ended up down at the creek around a big campfire at the stroke of midnight . I 'm still processing how I feel about the campfire . It was cool , dark , cold , stressful , and one of those things we 'll never forget . I 'm not sure if any of my pictures will turn out . This morning , after breakfast , cleaning up , and discussing the snoring going on in the house during the night , we headed to the movies to see the new National Treasure with 25 people . Very cool movie . Now . . . whew . . . we 're home - completely done with the insane craziness that 's consumed us for the past few weeks . Life back to normal . Thank goodness . And I 'm ready to crash for the night already . There you have it . Behave ! Born a mermaid to a poor merman family , I was set adrift at an early age to make my own way in the world . Thanks to a spell by a semi - evil woodland elf , I earned my land legs and eventually learned to walk upright . I met my Knight in Shining Armor when he rescued me from a band of wild gypsies and we 're living happily ever after . Living on land is far better than surviving on coral and the shells of discarded horseshoe crabs , though at times I still long for the sea . |
Michael Peck and artist / illustrator Vinson Milligan go back a ways . I wrote a little about Milligan 's work , featured on the cover of Peck 's Last Orchard in America book , a few days back . Since then , Peck offered this about where they met : Vinson and I met in Philadelphia . We hit it off immediately , based on a mutual love of Beethoven 's late quartets , Goya , Greek tragedy , film noir , etc . We performed a couple of skits in front of two or three people at open mic venues and created an album of works for piano and ukulele . For years we 'd been wanting to collaborate on larger projects , and Last Orchard was a real good fit for us both . His visual inventiveness and geometer 's eye for the telling angle is always on display , here executed as very dark comedic splendors of shadow and light . He still lives in Philadelphia , where he 's studying exhibition design . Find a little more in the last post here . Several other of Milligan 's charcoal works are employed in relevant chapters within the interior of the book as well . Read more about Last Orchard on the book 's page here at T2H TXT . The audio excerpt above from The Last Orchard in America , read by author Michael Peck , sets the tone for what is to come in the voice of narrator and antihero of sorts , private dick Harry Jome . The book is available today via a Kickstarter campaign launched just a week back to fund its printing . If you haven 't taken a look at the book as yet , the main page for it is set up at this url here in THE2NDHAND 's books section . The Kickstarter campaign you can contribute to here . We 're getting closer to the goal of $ 1 , 000 or more there - big thanks to all of you who 've contributed thus far , seeing lots of familiar names there among the writers and readers who 've supported THE2NDHAND over its 14 years of existence thus far . Rewards at the $ 25 contribution level include past T2H collections - Peck was featured in the 2011 All Hands On : THE2NDHAND After 10 - and other of our books . At higher levels , a variety of prints from Last Orchard illustrator Vinson Milligan remain as well . All , of course , coming along with a copy of the new novel itself . Read the story of how the book came to be via this link to the Kickstarter campaign , and , for now , here 's another brief chapter , No . 2 , picking up where the above audio section leaves off . CHAPTER 2 I was at the window looking out over the intersecting bridges spanning the city . Great hulking sculptures of metal and steel , able to withstand the fleeing and the returning with equal ease , layered on top of one another like a crazy staircase . Bridges are the strangest of modern conveniences , a street with no land underneath , a nowhere boulevard that can carry you across seas and lakes and rivers , transporting you to the elsewhere you yearn so vaguely to be . A bridge is neither the beginning nor the end of any journey . A drop of rain struck the glass and eased down reluctantly . A siren careened three stories below in the street for a while , found its miserable destination and became a loose , fragile memory among a thousand others that one soon forgets . Then another siren joined in from somewhere beyond the first and the duet spun off to opposite fringes of the city , a cacophony of parting goodbyes in a town that is built of them . It had been raining for weeks and the buildings out the window were becoming coated in a slick mirror of water that reflected the faded sky . I studied a calendar on my desk , trying to intuit what day it was , but the calendar was from last year and I 'd never been keen on math . I sat back in my chair and grimaced at the ceiling . There was a blue and white marble on my desk that I began to roll back and forth on the uncluttered surface . The ninth or tenth time I was too slow and it bounced against a copy of a dog - eared Dominic Early novel that I 'd been meaning to read . The marble dribbled onto the floor like any other sad , useless thing . I peered closely at the little round speck dreamily , urging it to keep rolling , but my momentary optimism wouldn 't take . I left myself alone . That morning a middle - aged woman visited my office and offered me $ 400 to investigate the death of her husband . She was a babbling matron with the physique of a sack and lips purpled by wine , barely able to subvert a speech defect that slurred her words . The husband was decapitated by a train as he attempted to switch the tracks at some remote outpost beyond the suburbs . I tuned out what she was saying for a couple minutes , her mouth jabbering , until she noticed me not listening , and raised her voice . " It was mysterious , " the woman said . " In a week he was going to blow the lid on the Switchmen 's Union and some people - and by that I mean some people - didn 't like the idea much . And so you can imagine what I think . " She gave a harrowing account of the switchman 's life , replete with dinner routine , the hour his alarm sounded each morning , his Sunday yard work . Finished and breathing hard , gray hair clinging to her forehead , she expounded some more and fell silent . Perspiration slithered on her exposed skin like she 'd just enjoyed a bath of swamp water . It was disgusting to me . As bluntly as I could I told her that her personal grief was not a good enough reason to suspect assassination . People get in the way of trains sometimes . " Basically I don 't like or trust people who sweat profusely , " I said aloud without really meaning to . " Not every freak death is a conspiracy , " I said . She tore into a plastic bag of tissues . " Stupidity is extremely unregarded as a transport to death . " I could have taken her dollars and done nothing but sit around and stare at them for a week , then report to her that I 'd been unable to uncover anything conclusive . Maybe I was feeling lazy ; possibly , I simply did not care . From Malthus one learns that the cause of all evil and crime is overpopulation , and ever since Pinkerton it has been good private policy for someone in my line of work never to meddle with unions . She sobbed out to the hallway . As the elevator descended her whelps grew distant and stopped altogether , then resumed through the open window . I watched her hustle across the street against the light , nearly getting plowed down by a dump truck . Thinking about the easy $ 400 I could have acquired , I tucked in my once - white dress shirt and propped a suit coat on my shoulders . A year and a half ago I 'd nailed a portrait mirror to the backside of the door . Intended as security to inspect every angle of a client , it served mainly to deflate my vanity . Not a handsome man , perhaps , rather plump and grim under the eyes , the kind of looks certain women appreciate from a distance and realize , on closer scrutiny , they are very mistaken . But I wasn 't out for any woman . I 'm sure they 'd had enough of me , too . Well , Harry Jome , I said to myself , stepping into the plank - floored corridor , whose walls were painted in indignant swipes of yellow and red . Let 's you and me get a couple of eggs . It 's about time we had some excitement . " There is something that I must say . That I want to do this to you , the clown lips . That 's my only goal now - is that you let me paint the clown lips . You will always be sad . You will always feel broken without me . But please , let me paint the clown lips . " She said nothing . What could she say ? She backed off a little bit . We were in my dressing room . I was a nobody but I had a dressing room . I can 't even say how I ended up there , in the dressing room . It had a broken wooden chair , a slipshod greasy mirror and blown - out track lights . A single sad bulb dangled from a wire , 40 watts . There was also a desk , a coat rack , and Marla . That was her name . " Marla I 'm a depraved man , " I went on . " I have no idea why you ended up with me or what you see in me . But this is the last tango , the last dress rehearsal for us . After this , I 'll leave forever and you 'll stay with the upturned clown lips . Do you understand that that 's what I want ? That I just want you to have those upturned clown 's lips and I 'll be satisfied for eternity . " Forty - five minutes later we were in the tattoo parlor down the block . A poorly lit street corner was outside the plate - glass window . We sat in ink - stained , strawberry - red seats with metal armrests . The armrests felt cold . There was a man there with a tattoo needle . He was dabbing on a piece of paper - testing it out . The ink dripped . He ignored us for a while . Then he turned to us and said , ' Next . ' ' Marla , ' I said . I told the man that Marla was a clown . That she and I were in showbiz . That we were the greatest partnership since - Brangelina . The man waited for me to shut up . Then I said , ' Listen , it 's over . Marla will be suicidal from here on out . I want you to tat some clown lips on her . I want you to red - band her lips but put the upturned corners at each end . That 's most important : the upturned corners . If you don 't tat the upturned corners on her lips , Marla may die . " " That what you want ? " he said , turning to Marla , who said nothing . She stayed sitting in her seat . She looked like a girl who 'd had a grapefruit mashed into her face , sour and damp . " Listen , man , " the tattoo guy said . " This doesn 't seem consensual . I mean , it doesn 't seem like her idea . Anyway , she 's got to sign a waiver . " He did the tattoo . Halfway through I went across the street and drank a beer . When I came back , Marla had the clown lips but they weren 't ruby red - they were baboon 's - ass blue . It was magnificent . We were all looking in the mirror . Then Marla took a needle from the counter and jabbed me in the eye . It plunged in straightaway like a bee stinger into a bare butt . I screamed a little and dripped some blood around . " Motherfucker , " I said . I dropped into one of the red chairs . The tattoo guy stood there looking at me . Marla stood beside him and put the needle back on the counter . There was some blood on it . " Motherfucker , " I said again . Marla picked up the needle again . I looked her in the eye - with my good eye . Then the tattoo guy came over with some balled - up paper towel . I took the ball from him and pressed it into my eye socket . She came over and sat in the opposite red chair . She reached out and took the paper ball from my hand and pushed the ball into the socket lightly . Then with a little more force . I grunted . The tattoo man sat down on a high stool behind the counter and lit a cigarette . I looked at Marla 's bright blue lips , the upturned corners of her mouth . She was smiling . Now he tended to cry . He did not cry much as a child . From an early age , he was taught to suck it up . Boys don 't do that , his grandmother told him . So he swallowed the hot knots of emotion when he skinned his knee , when both index fingers were cut by the metal spool of streamers whilst decorating for the anniversary party , when his grade school crush did not give him a creased cardstock valentine . He cried in his late twenties , but not in his tweens or teens . In his tweens or teens he felt the emotion , a fracas of rage and despair , eat away at his throat . He laid in bed for hours in the dark . He asked for death . He cried he cried he cried . In adulthood , or at least when he felt that he had reached adulthood , when his responsible decisions outnumbered the irresponsible , he began to cry . He cried when he received the new wallet , he cried when he did not get accepted into the grad school of his choice , he cried when he thought of his wife . The following bit of Nashville fiction samples lines from songs recorded by the Cumberland Collective March 3 - 5 at Blackbird Studios and written , variously , by Jason Eskridge , Clay Evans , Mike Willis , Connor Rand and other cowriting members . For more on the session , stay tuned . And you can find the crew on Facebook here . He was not exactly OK with the way that he was , if he really thought about it . He was running behind of too much , and , not afraid of changing , he would make something out of nothing . A sign , with which he would broadcast . He set about building it with wood of his city , of his river , planks he found washed up on the grounds of the tank farm , old nails not exactly pilfered from same , black paint for the base of the boards , white for the letters . A man named Denton who called himself Peterbilt after the truck manufacturer whose primary assembly factory stood tall in the Texas town that shared his name , and whose Nashville plant had seen more glorious times , found him that morning painting the giant collections of boards . Peterbilt walked due west / south , headed downtown , and after stopping to hear our hero 's story said he ought write the one about the alligator who became friends with the bassett hound because she decided a few things on her own , the alligator . Like there was usually no need to stop and think this thing through , life , there was too much hurt to go around , too many bassett hounds being eaten by alligators . " He 's wearing tight women 's jeans , " the sign painter said to himself , watching Pete roll his way away . " I 'll never understand it . " But maybe he did . He painted . He would face his sign in the direction of the truckers , where if it actually caught their eye it might have its biggest impact , sending little ripples down major U . S . highways and away from here . Only then might the folks behind the sign , the way Peterbilt went , bother to take a cruise from downtown and parts west across the river to the east side to see it . " This man can 't be trusted , " he said , though Peterbilt had a point , didn 't he . Just as out west , up north , maybe down south right here in Tennessee , a sign , his shingle , his face to the world , the thing needed a story to make your sister want to clap her hands , make you stand up and shot , scream out loud … Patience , he said , whole lot of patience - maybe his message - and went on painting . Wind blew the paint dry and trash in from the east before it swirled at the bulkhead of downtown around the courthouse and candy wrappers and dry tax returns scattered by the two - year - old flood flew back the way it came . He sat . He missed Peterbilt , everybody needs pals . " He 'll be back , " he said . But he had it back up when he needed it . " Pull up a chair and sit on down , " he said when Pete came on back down the bridge like he 'd never left , though he 'd traded in his ladies ' jeans for black chinos and an Affliction t - shirt . He picked up right where he left off . " Everywhere I turn , man , it seems like everyone is telling me what I should be , " he said . " No use keeping your heart all to yourself , though . Couldn 't look myself in the eye if I kept that up . " " Can I get an Amen ? You have seen the light . Me , I live my life like a truck on the highway , mostly , but everybody changes . " Pete moved from behind the sign around front to where he could see what it said . " ' I am out here , ' " he quoted . " Nah , man . That ain 't the way your mama brought you up to be . You 're going about it all wrong . " " You can 't just declare it , you know . My buddy Jason 's got this chili bar , man , this restaurant , " Pete said . " Like he says , you 've gotta give them something they can chew on , some meat , man , though he makes a godawful - good veggie chili , too . " " Nah nah , " Pete said . " They already know it - they know you 're ' out here , ' too , and they probably really don 't care . They don 't need to be reminded about tumbleweeds , man , and neither do they , really " - he pointed east into the neighborhoods - " though they might actually listen . Then he turned his pointer back around into the nest of skyscrapers : " They 're the ones that need it . " So Pete and the sign painter turned his sign around and blacked over the old legend before replacing it . By the end , the winds died down and cold set in , a light late - winter snow dusting the legend 's edges just so . Pete wrapped one of the sign painters ' putrid blankets around his shoulders to wait for the aftermath . The two found an extra old chair down by the river and brought it back up to the bridge . They sat , and waited for the people to come . Our first initiative , wholly self - styled , was to purchase several $ 1 pair of " gold " earrings from the Dollar Store , then take those earrings to the jewelry counter at Macy 's , where I would then try on real gold earrings , Noah admiring and distracting the salesclerk , and in the process return the cheap ones to the salesclerk and the real ones to the rack at the Dollar Store . A poor person would unwittingly triumph , a rich person would be cheated . It worked perfectly , though I sweat bullets the entire time . Next we decided we 'd be cookout fairies - like tooth fairies , or fairy godmothers - which meant that Noah stole some nice cuts of meat from the market , something people did all the time , frozen steaks stuffed in their jackets and down their pants . We 'd drive around looking for poor people , offering to trade them our better meat in exchange for hot dogs and hamburgers . Neither of us yet had our learner 's permits , but we did have the Datsun Noah 's brother left us when he went to Colorado , when he went to jail , and anyway we knew how to drive just fine , so we drove around carefully until we came to a ratty apartment building with people grilling outside , a child 's birthday party . We couldn 't see very clearly from the road , and only once we were fully committed and walking up through the yard did we realize everyone at the party was black . From the way the group was watching us I had the sense it wasn 't going to work , but Noah decided to sing out a great big confident , " Hello ! " like we 'd all been friends for ages , and strode forward , buffeted by purpose . He promptly launched into his explanation , his voice too loud in detailing the whole theory behind the meat exchange . " Sorry , we must be lost ! " I interrupted . " We 're looking for his cousin ! " Almost too quickly the tension broke , like they were all so glad for a reasonable explanation as to what we were doing at their party with gifts of meat , and furthermore they laughed . Meanwhile , I 've got Noah by the arm , dragging him backward to the car , pissing him off for aborting Mission No . 2 prematurely . Our final mission unfolded like this : we 're rummaging through stuff Noah 's sister got in a charity basket from the church . We come across a meal voucher for the country club in our blasted - out unscenic shell of a city . Noah starts to rail against the institution , and the more he talks the more it seems possible that this country club , our very own , could in fact be a locus of evil . So our plan is this : we 'll dress up as poor people , take the gift certificate to the country club , and see how they treat us . If they treat us OK , we 'll eat and leave without further action . If they don 't , we 'll become continue our activism , reveal our true identities and launch a counteroffensive . Dressing up as poor people is surprisingly easy - we can pretty much do it with the things we already have . The trick seems to be just to try too hard , too earnestly - overapply that eyeliner , that hairspray , do it like you really mean it , shine your cheap shoes . So we hop in the Datsun to find the country club , a lodge - looking building wedged in between the landfill and the industrial park . There 's a golf course and everything , but we walk through a mirrored hallway into the restaurant proper , and it 's a huge disappointment - the place is dark and nondescript and the only other people are the one waitress and a cook watching TV . Of course , everything goes wrong . Noah talks too loud , making too big a deal about our ignorance and our poverty and our charity certificate , and the waitress is rolling her eyes and nodding , but it 's also clear she isn 't really listening and doesn 't really care . She 's probably poor herself - oldish and grey - toned with brown teeth . Noah radically mispronounces soup du jour and finally that brings a kind of smirk - a look of , yes , superiority . And I can just feel Noah click into gear , he got it , it 's starting to work , we 're going to get to turn the tables and have our battle . Have our war . I get up abruptly and go into the bathroom . I look in the mirror and I don 't know what I 'm doing . I take a long piece of toilet paper and I spit on it and stick it to my sharp - heeled cheap shiny shoe , and I walk gingerly back to the table . Noah is convinced he 's heard the waitress and the cook in the back laughing at us , the soup du jow - er , and now he wants to give them a piece of our minds , right now , right away . There 's no way he 's leaving , a man on fire . The plan has unsprung some secret and terrible latch in him - and here comes the waitress , right on time with the food , and Noah carefully stands up , and it 's for all the world like he 's President Lincoln - he 's got that quiet , serious , deserving dignity , ready to speak - and the waitress halts where she is , ready to listen , and I turn and reel , in that wavery trailing - toilet - paper way , back into the hall . At the very end , just stepping through the doorway , is a woman followed by a man in suit and tie . And I 'm picking up speed and the woman is half - turned in conversation and hasn 't seen me yet , and then she does see me , and she looks , in that second I come swimming toward her face , so nice . She looks like she might be an architect , or a doctor , or a kindergarten teacher at one of those expensive Italian kindergartens . And it strikes me that she could be a grown - up me , my twin , the woman I 'm going to be , after the college I 'll go to , and the professional school , the career - and she looks so kind and concerned and so possible that I just want to throw myself into her arms and beg for her to help me , to save me , to tell her I 'm so sorry , so confused , so very sorry . The clothes she 's wearing are the filmy kind that come in layers , and I can see now , as I 'm almost on her , that that 's the way you do it . A haircut with chunks laying different ways on purpose , and clothes that close with clasps in shapes instead of buttons . My girlfriend had one of those smiles you wanted to pray to . She went to the museum for an early evening event . The last thing I wanted to do was talk to people I didn 't know about things I didn 't care about in a museum I couldn 't name . I caught the MUNI to the cemetery . I walked among the graves of those fine and faceless people who had gone before me . I smoked a joint under the trees and walked on the bodies . All that mattered was that I was alone . I lived with Larissa and two of her friends on the corner of Geary and Masonic above a restaurant bar and below crack - dealing brothers . Our trash accumulated outside the front door like bad breath and rats the size of pigs lived under our staircase , the wood of which seemed something less than functional . The kitchen floor sloped and our black , spiked front gate gleaned with spit and blood . San Francisco was the kind of city where you forgot that something was wrong with you but you remembered that you didn 't know what it was . When I had money , I drank Jack Daniels . When I didn 't have money , I drank Old Milwaukee and paid with dirty change . This was one of those times when breakfast was a half pint . I had a job because Larissa told me it would make me happy . I worked at some organic green grocery joint that the girlfriend referred to as a specialty retail grocery store . We used my employee discount to buy twenty - two - dollar cases of wine . The name was Trader Dan 's , maybe Tom 's , something like that . My friend Catfish called it Trader Slaves . I was just coming down from an all - night bender and had been stocking lettuce longer than forever . I went out back into the alleyway with the dumpsters , swallowed some pills , and lit up a cigarette . The black door banged open and banged shut and Catfish was next to me asking for a smoke . I handed one over as if it didn 't belong entirely in my mouth . It was September , the sun looked like it had been cooked by God , and the beer I drank tasted like bottles of heat . The bar was the type with wet walls , scary seats , and a beer menu with imports from places like Germany and Belgium . Catfish pulled his rubber band out of his hair and some pills out of his pocket . Catfish 's mouth was too long , his eyes were too small , and his whiskers hung off his face in strings . I believe I trusted him . The beer removed everything ravaging us , and the pills ferried us to the kind of glory that felt like a lifeline . Nowadays , all those afternoons and all those nights and all those pints fold together in erroneous versions of happiness . But who knows what true happiness is , anyway ? Beautiful women with their big , flawless lips and brilliant breasts ? Men that I glance at and can 't help feeling inferior to ? ( It 's like if I were to talk to them , the words would disintegrate in my mouth and eat my imperfect tongue . ) Those people are more messed up than I am . An hour or a minute later we were on 6th Street with the earth fogging at the edges . As we walked through the crosswalk , an extraordinary mass of a person marched toward us pushing a baby stroller . The person had to have weighed 300 , 350 pounds . It had a triple chin with some stubble , one earring , massive breasts , and shoulder length hair , the bottom two - thirds of which had been dipped in burnt orange paint . It wore a Giants shirt 10 , 000 times too small . The baby in the stroller was truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen . It looked like a celestial being , radiating with the majesty of innocence . It sat , satisfied and sucking its thumb . I wanted to be that baby . I couldn 't tell if he was whispering or screaming . Without saying a thing , the person swung back a fist that might as well have been a hammer and hit Catfish right in the middle of his face . Blood rained down on the sidewalk and Catfish collapsed with his eyes open and a smile like the echo of grace solidified on his face . I kept expecting the baby to turn around and stretch out its little fingers to heal the hurt . I wanted it to come back . I wanted it to repair me . Catfish 's arms were above his head and his shirt halfway above his stomach . Hot red sticky blood dripped all over his life . It was one of those moments that stand alone and stand still . Catfish broke a nose and cracked some teeth . He didn 't die , but at that moment he was a crucifix in a street , martyred for the thoughts of the plain and ordinary . That night , when Larissa and I made love , I exhaled her name but thought of the baby and the blood and the inconsistency of life . Years later , when I barely recalled Larissa 's name but definitely recalled her smile , I woke up with my face right in the dirt . I was in the cemetery , and a homeless man two steps away had woken me up . I just looked at the guy . They left town at dawn , heading east into the mountains . When the sun hit it exposed lines in Carlos ' face that weren 't there the night they met . She had seen the scars of two barbell eyebrow piercings on the dance floor that night . They struck her as warning signs of trashiness . He turned out to have a good sense of humor , though . He was a little full of himself - enough to keep a short goatee and hand her his business card when he thought he was losing her in the conversation - but Sarah told herself it was a healthy vanity . Plus he hadn 't made the first move , even after they sunk the bottle of Carmenere at his place afterward . Now they were driving the curvy roads at the foothills of the Andes . They told each other travel stories . They had already ( that night with the wine ) done the backstory thing . Sarah was from a small town in southern Wisconsin , and he was from Buenos Aires . That was where his wife lived while the couple took their break . He had no children . Sarah smoked only when she went out . She didn 't know the last time she 'd bought a pack . The cigarettes in Chile had shock photos on them , hard not to notice , and she turned to look out the window ; it was early November , springtime here . Just outside Santiago the land opened up and turned to flattish , bushy desert dotted with paddle - armed cacti blooming pink and white flowers . After an hour the road dipped in and out of valleys , where a river fed the willow and cottonwood trees that were deeper green and moving in the light wind . The trees , and the water , which was the muddy color of the Wisconsin River , reminded her of home . Though this was the most non - touristy thing she had done since being here , she kept cool . She asked for a cigarette . She thanked him for remembering she was a vegetarian , and after smoking made them Gouda - on - white - bread sandwiches with mustard . They ate . Carlos was one of the many she 'd met in Chile who drank mate tea in a gourd with a silver straw that looked like a spoon . She partook , pouring hot water from his thermos , and they took turns sharing the gourd . After 15 minutes or so she felt the mix of caffeine and nicotine and food move her bowels . She doubted she could wait until the border to use the restroom . He pulled into a gas station off the two - lane road . There were no toilet seats in the damas bathroom , a whitewashed cinder building aside the station . She listened to the river outside the window near the ceiling , doing her best to balance herself . When she came out she saw he was petting a stray dog , a charcoal greyhound that was the envy of the small pack of dogs watching from across the road . There were rags of snow left on the mountains in the distance . He asked if she was OK . Sarah was warm with embarrassment , and evenly said she was fine , thanks . She asked if he 'd seen the locks on the bridge over the Mapocho River . They were supposed to symbolize love , she said , attaching a lock to the gate of the bridge and throwing the key into the water . She told him a student told her that they did the lock thing in Paris . She taught English as a Second Language for an institution , and went into the skyscrapers and drank coffee with people she considered powerful , those who needed to learn English so as to give talks to others like them , those in the mining and telecommunications industries - they knew what was going on in Paris . He said it was a strange form of love . Locking it up and throwing away the key . She hadn 't thought about it that way , but could see what he was getting at . It was not why she 'd studied literature , she said , to spread English like some missionary . Then again , Sarah wasn 't sure why she 'd studied literature , other than she had always loved to read and write . She told him this was pretty much her essential dilemma , not wanting to teach businesspeople anymore . It was going to be the determining factor for how long she would stay in South America . He told her he sometimes had the same conflict with his work . That he had not gone into photography to make money , originally . He wanted to shoot boxing and street art , two of his interests . No , Carlos said when she asked - he did not box anymore . Or make street art . He joked that when he was old he would like to vandalize billboards . But really , he said , you have to make a career . If you can make money doing something you love , then you 're lucky . She had already OKed him online . His business card had a link to his website , where his portfolio with the corporate photographs ( mostly of sports drinks , cars , and 7 - 11 - style snacks ) confirmed he was on some level successful . She emailed him and said she 'd enjoyed hanging out that night , and they began a conversation . They avoided social media , sticking to email , and after two weeks she admitted that her visa was expiring soon , and that she needed to cross the border to renew it . He had offered to give her a ride . Now they were here . They began their climb into the mountains . His car reminded her of her friend 's shitty cars in high school . A couple of the heating vents on her side were busted , the CD player face was either stolen or forgotten , and it was dusty inside and out . She liked that he 'd left a moccasin bead bracelet around the base of the gear shifter . It added personality . Now and again she saw train tracks along the side of the mountain . He told her they were there for when they the days train cars hauled minerals from the rock instead of semis . The tracks were skinnier than American tracks , and at some points they disappeared into what looked like a landslide . In other parts there were long barns built to protect the train cars from the weather , the barn walls and roofs collapsed here and there . Road signs indicated the number of the curve they were passing . She didn 't like how hard he took the turns , often whipping around and having to hit the brakes before a lumbering 18 - wheeler . He would hop over to pass the trucks , and Sarah couldn 't help but grip the handle above the door . To distract herself she read the Spanish words on the truck doors or along their sides . They passed a matching trio with dusty blue canvas tarps over their trailers , and she recognized the word Bolivia among the faded gold - lettered words . He apologized again for the heat not working . He had suggested in his last email to bring something warm , that the altitude at the border was high , the temps low , and sometimes the traffic backed up . She had worn the hand - knitted wool sweater she 'd bought from the open - air market the week she arrived in Santiago . It was still cold then , two and a half months ago . She had successfully passed through a season . Though she Skyped home weekly , she had no yearning to go back . She harbored a vague idea of graduate school but feared the loan , as well as having lost the patience to study literature academically . At one point she pulled the visor down to block the sun . She selfishly studied her face in the mirror for a few seconds , her sunglasses , honey - colored bangs riffling in the cool air , the point of her nose pinkish from having been outside with a book yesterday , her lips dry . Before taking lip balm from her bag she peeked over at him . He also wore sunglasses . There were smoker 's crags in the black stubble growing on his cheeks , deep smile lines and the onset of crow 's feet spreading out from behind the glasses . He tamped out another smoke , his third or fourth this hour . She liked that he smoked soft packs . There was something older and rugged about it . He put the pack back in the little nook against the odometer glass , next to the pack of cinnamon gum he chewed between cigarettes . About halfway up the mountain he pulled onto a gravel fan and suggested they get out and take pictures . She had her pocket digital , he a bulky camera with a big lens . She looked down and saw the road corkscrewing up and he told her the Spanish word for this , which sounded like escargot - a road that resembles a snail shell . She took a picture of the road , as well as the jagged mountaintops around them . He set his camera on the car and set the timer . Sarah raised her sunglasses as he walked over , and at the last second reached over and raised his . He laughed . She felt his hand on her hip , just above the waistline of her jeans . It was a firm hold . She also had her hand on his side and was a little disappointed in his softness - if you were going to smoke so much , then you shouldn 't also eat too much . They got back in the car and started the last leg to the border . He pulled into a huge tent with fans in the ceiling twisting out the exhaust smells of vehicles waiting to cross . She gave the agents in the booth her passport , its pages crisp and its visa boxes empty of stamps . Another agent looked in the trunk , tapped the Ford 's bumper with his baton . A few minutes later they were granted access to Argentina . Carlos had told her there were beautiful things to see on the way . That this was one reason he 'd like to take her into the outer heart of his native country . The other reasons were still in her inbox - he had fun that night , dancing and drinking and talking . He thought she was smart . He thought she should consider staying in Santiago for a while , making sure to add that he didn 't want anything serious , just a friend . She could not say what she wanted . She did not want to go home and face the next step in her life yet , not even knowing what it was . She didn 't want to be a cliché , falling in love with someone in another country , either . Of the two options , the love one to her seemed better . Ultimately , she 'd let life take her where it wanted for a while . To read and run in the morning as she always had , but to give some months up to contemplating her place . They stopped at what translated to the point of the Incas . It was an area in the rock where the Incas had built bathhouses . A resting place . Leading to it was a natural bridge formed of the rock , whose bright yellow resembled limestone . There was a wood fence blocking it , so they walked down behind the few small hotels and shops . It was warmer down here . Desert again . There was a man far away raising and dropping what appeared to be a sledgehammer . But he was too far to hear , and there were heat lines rising off the ground , further obscuring him . They sat in plastic chairs at a small table facing the gravel parking lot . She listened as he spoke with an old man in a ballcap and dark denim coat . The old man sounded jovial . Through translation she was told that the old man said the wind was going to pick up in about two hours . That a group of Chileans had asked him to put the upbeat music currently playing on the speaker attached to the awning of the restaurant . The lyrics to the song translated : When the singer stops / Life stops / Because life is a song They drove another three kilometers . He called them clicks . He asked if she had heard them called that before . Clicks . She had not . They say it in the war movies , he said . He pulled off the road to a cemetery boxed off by a rock wall , explaining this was where they bury people who die in the mountains . If they don 't find the bodies , the family can still petition for a spot . He said he had taken good photos here . The cemetery was centered by a big but climbable slate rock , a mini snail trail twisting up to it . Along the trail were the shrine - like graves . Flat headstones fastened with the fork and spoon the climber was using when they found the body ; a bottle of wine for a lost relative ; carabineers and rope and shoes in the dirt next to graves . Cemeteries did not move Sarah . Aside from her sister 's grave , she did not visit them , especially random ones , where she felt disrespectful , if anything . But she had gleaned from talking with Carlos - his music and movie preferences , his website - that he liked darkness offset with humor , and perhaps had a latent patriotism . It seemed his favorite memories were from Argentina . She wondered how long he and his wife were going to be separated . She wondered what his wife would think if she saw him with her . She was ready to go back to Santiago , slightly worried that the wife would be at the halfway restaurant , even though it was over a thousand clicks from Buenos Aires . It was as they were turning to leave the cemetery that she saw the horses coming down a mountainside trail . She told him to look . There had to be eight , no , ten or more in the line . Nearby was a dilapidated train bridge over the river she assumed the horses were on their way to drink from . The dust they kicked up swirled in the first hints of wind the old man had predicted . They went to the riverbank to get a better look . He corrected her - they 're mules , he said , which the closer she got the better she could see their stunted size . They had a good laugh at that . As they approached the bridge she could hear their hoofs clacking along the wet rocks below . The water was about 30 feet down , and on the bank the first thing she saw was a dead mule . Its head was missing , and its ribcage was shined clean from the running water . The others paid it no attention . Raised and dipped their heads in the stream . He snapped photos . It bugged her that he took seven or eight pictures at a time - digital laziness , she thought . If he was using film he 'd have to work harder for the shot . She didn 't want to look at the dead mule anymore . They walked the ties of the train bridge to the other end . There was a rusty banister along the side she used to steady herself , not looking down . She felt they were being childish like this because they 'd run out of things to talk about . They crossed back . After a long lunch and an espresso they started back . There was no wife surprise . But she knew from the morning and talking at lunch that she would not be seeing him again , and this made it easy for her to seem lighthearted . He pointed out the pope - hat peaks of one mountain range . She smiled and thanked him again for bringing her . She was enjoying the way the late afternoon light exposed crevices and folds in the walls of the towers . They had to wait in a line of cars on the slight hill down to the Chilean border . It was just steep enough for him to cut the engine and drift in neutral when the line moved . This wasn 't a tent , but a few kiosks , and being out of things to talk about he smoked quietly while she studied their surroundings . Up here it was cold again . A handful of goldfinches were weaving around , their bellies bright in the last of the sun . A couple guys about her age got out of the car in front of them . They wore hair gel and sunglasses , and started to dance a little , the sort of dancing that involves shoulder shrugging and light bouncing . She could hear the low thrum of the bass from their car . When it was their turn they got out and he spoke with the border worker through the kiosk window . She handed her passport into the window . Was relieved to see the worker bring down the heavy stamp . Was soon back in the Ford heading down the mountain toward the desert . It was there that she thought she said goodbye . The sky was a mix of orange and pale blue and the dark hills in the distance rose and fell softly . She had gathered by now that Carlos had a temper , and she didn 't want to put herself in danger or walk away with bad memories . She was being nicer than usual . Anyone who knew her would have seen through it . In an hour they were passing lines of shanties along the river , swift with snowmelt , then were in the outlying region of Santiago . A million lights twinkled across the bowl of the land . The sky was more navy now , not quite dark , and the graffiti on the bridge tresses and shuttered stores was like a story both discombobulated and somehow coherent . Sarah was quick not to linger in the car when he dropped her off . It was normal here for people to kiss on the cheek when greeting and departing . She leaned across the gear shifter and hugged him goodbye , and he kissed her cheek . She was afraid he might try to hold her firmly again , but he did not , and she knew that he knew they would never see each other again . In fact , for this tour of duty , I truly had no conception of where I was stationed , and didn 't really care . I had been stationed on the post for weeks completely indifferent to my surroundings , and one day during work when everything was slow , the entire unit piled into an enormous camouflage van and headed for the mystery metropolis . We were all in uniform , and technically still on duty , so there was to be no drinking , of course . And also of course , I was demoralized . But the moment we arrived , I felt that total sobriety would be preferable . I mean , who could get a beer down in a place like this , where the noise and the swirl of disorder was so crippling it choked the soul and made the throat close up , purposely denying itself oxygen as to head for the grave , away from the madness ? I was seated next to Van Heusen , an actual old roommate of mine , and I had to scream into the side of his face to ascertain where we were . There was the sharp , metallic sheen of modernity everywhere ; of glass and steel and diamond - like glinting rushing from everywhere at once , unlike at a lake when the sun is dropping , and the glinting tends to stroll across the surface of the water as to be savored , or at the least pinpointed . In fact , Bad Hamburg , its name 's introduction fitting , hardly resembled Germany at all ; it was more like Tokyo had been surgically implanted and , as a kind yet futile gesture , a cathedral or two and a few small buildings of timeless European descent were preserved to cower among the skyscrapers and the rip - off outlets . The entire community ( could it be called that ? ) was comprised of imitation jewelry , ten - dollar Nikes and tax - breaking corporate manufacturing outposts . Christ , there were even neon Coors and Budweiser signs in the windows of the bars , in the middle of Germany ! Finally the van was parked , and I stepped off , disoriented and nauseated and with a splitting headache . We snaked through the narrow corridors off the main strip , dodging thousands of people , as the vendors at the stands shook five - dollar watches and necklaces in our faces while belting their haggles , and I ducked into a bar with a girl from our unit . I 'd been dead wrong ; complete sobriety could never be endured in a place like this . So I ordered a beer , a fucking Miller Lite ; the Army could send me home if they wanted for having a watered - down beer ; be my salvation , I beg of you . Once again I could hardly hear myself fart or think , but at scattered intervals , when the techno stopped , I talked to the girl I once knew from my second duty station , but whose name I couldn 't place . She had short black hair and generous eyes , was kind and outgoing - that 's all I knew . You see , my brain and all its memory had been made molten by Bad New York or Hong Kong Hamburg , whatever the place was called . " Speaking of tunnels , there was one small tunnel leading to the train station in Landstuhl , passing under some streets ; it also led to a couple of nightclubs on the outskirts of the town . The stones of the tunnel , like gems in a ring , were set in the perfection of ancient masonry , and weathered to that poetic dark - gray only time can execute . Between each stone was some kind of moss ; it was green and bright , like landscapes in Ireland at sunrise . " Once , my friend Adam and I ran into a couple of skinheads in that tunnel on the way to a disco . They pulled switchblades on us and started shouting in German , an unspeakable act for Landstuhl . But what 's funny is this - they didn 't have the gall to get too close to us . They were actually trying to rob us or tell us to go back to America from 30 yards away , so Adam and I picked up a couple of chunks of rather large rubble , jarred loose from a walkway platform , and assumed NFL quarterback passing positions . The skinheads de - switched their blades , pocketed them , turned and moved along at a deliberate pace , and shut their mouths , too , before letting loose one or two cursory final outbursts as if to appease their pride . That was the only incident remotely even close to a crime we ever encountered and / or heard of in the town of Landstuhl . " The bar Adam and I usually went to was called the Kasade , and the owner was Rhiner . He had a couple of rotting front teeth , but it didn 't detract from his friendly nature . He used to bring us ' meters ' of cola - beer ; they were long , handmade wooden boxes , with the smaller glasses of beer on the outside , leading up to two large beers in the middle . The idea was to drink the smaller beers first , working your way to the center , where the last two big beers served as the toast , a kind of icing applied to the finished meter . On the meter boxes and the wooden tables were people 's names , carved in countless languages ; each patron of The Kasade for the last 300 years , it seemed . I carved my own name into one of the tables after finishing the final meter of my life , possibly , the night before I left Landstuhl for my next duty station . " By the spiraling stairwell leading down into the perfect half - darkness of The Kasade was a large , petrified tree , rising up through a flawlessly - crafted hole cut into the floor . There was a ring of bright red bricks decorating the circumference of the hole , encircling the roots . The tree was the color of snow or a birch , and names through the ages were carved into the tree , too . " |
Wake up around 6 , watch the news , write the blog , drink some water or juice . Be greeted by Ian when he awakes . I get a nice hug then I 'm told to make breakfast . Eat while watching Word World because apparently , it 's the only show that Ian will watch . Then we play , maybe even outside before it 's a million degrees outside . Give Ian 100 snacks as he asks for them . Do dishes , clean , rest my back that is in pain . Have lunch , try and get Ian to take a nap . Give up after an hour if he hasn 't fallen asleep yet . Let Ian shower , get ready for work , make my work snack . Head to work . Work . Come home . See my loves . Fall asleep too early , wake up around 1 . Stay up until 4 or 5 , go back to sleep . He 's been such a rockstar lately ! I 'm not sure if he can have anymore personality than he already has . He 's hilarious , loves to make people laugh . He 's outspoken and extremely energetic . He 's loving to sing and dance . He 's been eating like a champ ! That 's right , he was 21 . 7 pounds at his last doctor 's visit . Incredible ! He 's gained two pounds since his 18 month check up , I was very pleased . He says crazy things like " you 're crazy ! " He is no longer into giving kisses ( unless he 's going night night ) , instead he gives lots and lots of big , long hugs ! I love it ! He 's very into babies now too . Some of his current favorite things : grandpa , Word World , pizza , peanut butter , smoothies , cars , flips , sports , and tons of other foods I could list , but would take up this whole blog . Today , we go to the dermatologist to get his blood vessel thing removed . I 'm super nervous . My mom is going with me in case we have to hold him down , or heaven forbid , he cries and I need therapy . I literally have no idea what it 's going to be like . It 's a little frightening . Though , he 's been keeping his bandaids on , which is amazing . He kept pulling it off , so I took his hands and I talked to him . I told him it was really important that he keep it on and to stop playing with it , etc . And guess what ? He left it alone ! I think it is just a coincidence . Besides not wanting to take his nap during the day , he has been doing amazing . In fact , just yesterday he got into the A & D and rubbed it all over his body , even his hair . He actually did a good job and his hair was all slicked forward . He also tells me " no " all the time now , but in a really cute way , so it 's very hard to take it personally . I thought I 'd update you on names that we almost named her before we decide to reveal her name ( although , some of you already know it ) . My number one name was : Ellyn Elizabeth . Stephen hated the name Ellyn and thought it made her an old person . Haha ! I really wanted to call her " El . " Next name , Evangeline . Now , this name is still one of our top favorites . We love it . Evangeline has a million nicknames . Besides the cruel fact that her name will be an hour long , we really enjoyed it , but found that we still liked another name even more . Here was another one of my favorites : Isla . Pronounced EYE - la . I think it goes beautifully with Ian and then they could both have ' I ' names ( no , they don 't ) . Again , Stephen didn 't like it and the name doesn 't really mean anything besides island . . . and that 's a little lame . There was even a time when we wanted to name her Mary Jane . Mary - ode to my mom ; Jane - ode to Stephen 's mom . However , I couldn 't handle the drug association , so we nixed that one . My next thoughts were our mom 's middle names . . . Stephen can 't remember his mom 's middle name . Yes Janet , you read that right . How ridiculous is that ? I think his old man brain is starting to get to him . So again , that idea was voted out . Now , her name was our top contender for Ian 's girl name ( no , it 's not Eliot ) . We loved it then and we still love it now . It is in fact in the baby name books , so we did not make it up . That 's all I 'm giving you . : ) I am officially 20 weeks , 1 day today . It has been a good day . Full of kitchen cleaning and cooking . Breakfast tacos for breakfast , baked potato soup for dinner , and some peanut butter and jam cupcakes for dessert and for Stephen to bring to work tomorrow ! I would like to say that baked potato soup is my favorite soup and I made it fantastically . I mean , it was / is incredible . And as for the cupcakes . . . well . . . I know right ? They do taste as good as they look . Muy tasty . And yes , I have yellow and pink cupcake holders because we 're having a girl . With Ian , we took the family out to eat , with this one , we 're making cupcakes ! Anyways , I look / feel like I 'm 40 weeks pregnant . I 'll start with pictures next week . . . hopefully . The baby is the size of a banana , so she 's getting pretty big ! We 've officially ordered our home study birthing course ( we are using a different method besides Bradley this time ) . We 've also toured and registered at the hospital . And I 'm sure glad that we did . I 'm still confused on how to get places , but Stephen seemed to know where he was going the whole time . I haven 't ever been to this hospital , but I think it 'll be a good experience . For those of you who don 't know , we are trying to a VBAC with this baby . My doctor is 100 % supportive and has the highest VBAC rate at this hospital . I will have to be hooked up to monitors and will have to go to the hospital earlier this time to be monitored . But , I 'm okay with that . The hospital is very supportive of moving around and allowing me to get in the shower . I 'll also be able to keep the baby in the room with me for hours before they take her away for her bath , which is freaking sweet . Ian was immediately taken from me during the c - section , so this will be a little different . And yes , Stephen will follow new baby wherever she may be going . Regardless , the tour went well and we 're excited to birth there . We got to see a baby getting its cleaning with daddy in the room . And cool enough , grandma was seeing her very first grandchild for the first time , it was amazing to see . . . . I almost cried . I 'm pregnant people , I 'm allowed to do that . I know , shocking , right ? I couldn 't say until everyone close knew and Stephen took forever to tell Rafik . So , there you have it . We 're incredibily excited . Yes , we have a name . Only a few people know it . We like it a lot though . Of course , she was being very difficult during the ultrasound . She never moved her hands from her face and her legs were crossed the entire time . We finally were able to get a glimpse and see that she was in fact a girl . From what we could measure / see , she was measuring pretty big , like 1 . 5 weeks big . Oh well . I 'm sure she 'll be perfect . In other news , Ian has a hemangioma . We 're taking him to the dermatologist next week to get it removed . It 's on his face and he 's been messing with it , so it 's bleeding now . Fun fact , there is only one pediatric dermatologist in Austin . How ridiculous is that ? The wait is several months , which is too long . . . not to mention insane . Hopefully we can get it taken care of . Though , Ian does look super cute right now because he has a Cars band aid over it . . . adorable . Is doing awesome ! He has been congested and not sleeping too well . But , I gave him some allergy medicine the other night , and he got a full nights rest , and he 's back to his old ( not whiny ) self ! I 'm ecstatic ! We went to Schlitterbahn yesterday where Ian had a flippin ' blast . He even got brave enough toward the end to go down some kiddie slide by himself ( as long as one of us was at the end ) . He was having sooo much fun . It was adorable . A nice lady even gave us some bread so that Ian could feed some turtles that he was gushing over . Needless to say , he was asleep as soon as we left the parking lot . Successful trip ! Is 19 weeks , 2 days ( in utero ) . He / She is as long as an heirloom tomato from the top of their head to their bottom . Which , is about six inches , not including the legs ! Wowzer ! I guess that explains why I 'm so big already ! We find out the sex this week too ! : ) Just as a warning , I 'm on my laptop that is missing keys . . . so you know , I 'm probably going to have tons of spelling errors . Also , if you 're an email reader or a Google reader , head on over to my blog today ! I have a new layout that I 'm going to stick with for a while and I 'll add bios to the side . Tell me what you think . Last weekend , the in laws came in town for a visit . We had a really good time and I got a picture of Ian doing his new weird face with hand shakes thing . . . and Grandado doing it too . ( That 's what Stephen 's dad is trying to get Ian to call him ) . 3 . Was college really all that it was cracked up to be ? Eh , it was alright . I really started enjoying my classes once they got more into my field . 4 . How far were you from home ? I wasn 't . My family followed me . But , I did live in San Antonio while they were still in Houston . I 'll start off by making a confession , I 'm on Stephen 's computer . Therefore , I have not uploaded my pictures of Ian from the week . I do , however , have one of him in my inbox . It 's from my cell phone . It 's from yesterday morning when he slept in a little bit . I 'm sure it 's from him staying up uber late when the in - laws were here . I can 't believe he 's almost 2 years old ! Where have these past two years gone ? ! It 's incredible . I still don 't know what I 'm going to do for Ian 's birthday . I had some ideas , but eh , I don 't like them too much anymore . And people , let 's be honest , I 'll 30 weeks along and into my third trimester . Exhausting ! And . . . another fun fact , mine and Ian 's birthday will be in the same week ! ! ! : ) How sweet is that ? ! That 's it for this morning , got to get to cleaning up , just the kitchen . Much more than that and I can no longer walk . Franny is arriving this week ! ( soon to be followed by Amy ! ) I 'm super excited ! See all of those exclamations ? ! Yes . You read that right ! Sharpie has come to us with a great invention . . . I think . I haven 't tried one yet as they are not yet in stores . . . I 'd have to buy one . I 'm really tempted . This is an erasable pen , but way better . It actually erases unlike those old wanna - bes and it becomes permanent after 3 days ( according to their blog , users say it 's more like 24 hours ) . How perfect this would have been in college . Or for teachers ! I want one so bad ! Sharpie is really stepping it up these days . After reading this , I really had to think about it . I slightly disagree with the article because a commenter brought up a good point : I do love the memories of trips with my family when I was younger , however , I also have fond memories of possessions we had . For example , my family had a home theater in our old home . I loved it . I watched movies in there all the time with my parents and family and they were some great memories . And , there are always other memories of eating around the dinner table . Those are also experiences as well as possessions . : ) I found this very interesting ! So did Stephen . I think we only do like 4 of the 10 of them . They are some great ideas and I 'm sure we 'll try and work some of them into our lives that we don 't already do . They seem like healthy ideas in general . And as always , common sense . But , sometimes we need to be reminded of these things when we are just being carried along by life . Today marks 18 weeks into the pregnancy . That means baby is about the size ( height wise ) of a bell pepper or a pickle . About 5 . 5 inches . How cool is that ? He / she can also hear us now . I 'm sure they enjoy hearing Ian blow raspberries on my belly every day . I felt lots of movement last night before bed . That was nice . Most I ever felt . I actually slept amazingly last night too . Another wonderful thing . This morning we are awaiting the arrival of Stephen 's parents . Here is a glimpse into Ian 's morning : peanut covered waffle , milk ( or smoothie ) , a book , and TV . He sits in a huge red chair too . It 's adorable . Sorry for the lack of post yesterday . In my defense , it 's been a busy week . . . as are all weeks . I must say , it 's been a great week . I wanted to write this post about something that I 'm thankful for . Everything ( blog wise ) that I have been reading this week has been very negative . So , I wanted to try and bring it up a notch . Why complain about so many things when there is so much good going on ? I am very thankful for being able to have a job that makes me happy . Happiness in the workplace really effects the way I function before and after work . So , I 'm really excited that I finally work somewhere that I enjoy going to , but still enjoy coming home to Stephen and Ian . Also , I 'm thankful for this : And I know you are too . I 'm thankful for several things in this picture . One obvious one being Ian . The second , that 's my grandma 's chiropractor table . She worked magic . I cannot wait for more sessions . Last week I decided to buy Ian some Toms . After looking around Austin , I couldn 't find the Tiny Toms , so I had to order them online . They finally came in yesterday and as soon as we got home , I tried them on Ian . I 'll be honest , I didn 't think that they were going to fit . They are very narrow . It was a little difficult to put the first one on and I was nervous . But , the second one fit perfectly . Fun fact : one of Ian 's feet is more chubby than the other . I have a bigger foot too . : ) Good News : Ian loves them . I took them off last night to get him ready for bed and he brought them back for me and wore them some more . This morning , I gave him breakfast and started doing the dishes . He brought them in the kitchen so I could put them on him . So , he loves them ! And that 's good . I 'm pretty excited that Ian seems to love shoes because I love shoes ! ! For those of you who don 't know about Toms , you should go check out their website : Toms Shoes . They are a nonprofit . They are behind the One for One movement , for every pair of shoes you buy , they give a pair to a child in need . It 's a pretty neat organization . My friend actually interned for them a while ago . Good morning ! I need to write this post before I go pick up the cousin for breakfast this morning . Also note , I 'm super excited about today because my grandma is giving me an adjustment and acupuncture because of my back pain . : ) Let 's hope that it starts to help ! Right now ? Frequently . I went to get ready for work yesterday and non of my clothes fit . Well , no clean ones . So I am already wearing maternity things . Not a fan . Stephen loves spicy food , I do not . I cannot stand it . Even something with a little bit of spice goes a long way with me . Um . . . . what a weird question . Sadly , I do not know the answer to this question , I don 't pay attention . Should I be paying attention ? I use just enough . Yes . For a long time I think . We didn 't have meetings for that long I don 't think . I don 't really remember a lot about it . I was a busy kid in about 100 different activities . I don 't think I ever advanced passed brownie , Amy will correct me if I 'm wrong . Yes . I just recently went on this huge health kick . Ian and I went to the grocery store and half of my basket was a variety of fruits and vegetables . I 'm really determined to be really healthy this pregnancy . And it 's giving me a lot more energy . But , I do occasionally have the small , moderate treat for a snack . Like , bite sized Snickers . I usually snack on a piece of fruit or some pretzels . Okay . Now to get started on my day ! Also , Ian 's shoes are supposed to be delivered today ! I 'm super excited . I WILL take pictures of that and show them to you . Hopefully there as cute in real life and I thought they looked online . ( Side note , my parents hate them ) But . . . they are Tom 's ! Tiny Tom 's . And one pair goes to a kid in need , so it 's totally worth it . Are you keeping count ? My little man is now . . . . wait for it . . . 21 months old ! He 's getting so old ! Just think , soon , I 'll be having to plan his second birthday party . That 's just ridiculous . I can 't believe it . I need to make his 2 year check up appointment too . Ian has been up to a lot lately . He is really into using different inflections now . My favorite is his question words . " Mommy ? " " Hi ? " It 's hilarious . He 's so cute . He 's really into generalizing too , which is awesome ! ( Parents , as a side note , when your kiddos generalize , it 's because they 're getting smarter . They are able to apply what they know to new things . This also goes for those toddlers that start saying things like " feets . " So , when this happens , be excited ! ) When he 's in the shower , he 'll stand under it to fill up some of his tupperware and he 'll say " rain ! " You know that 's cute ! He 's also started to think that maybe there is also a baby in his belly , and not just in mommy 's . I didn 't realize this , but he 'll show Papo his belly and point to it and say " baby . " Maybe we should work on that ? Yesterday , my mom and I got this crazy notion that we should take Ian out running errands with us . And , it was a good idea ! ( for the most part ) . He 's just been so happy lately that it 's insane . When we were in Target , he 'd keep giving us a huge cheesy smile and he laughs so hard and so much . It 's been a real blessing . I don 't think I 've seen a happier kid . Then , we went to DSW . Now , in the past , every single time I 've taken Ian there , he has gone insane . I mean really , insane . I couldn 't figure it out . At first , I thought maybe it was because he loves shoes as much as I do , how awesome would that be ? My mom thinks it 's the music . When I stop to think about it , it 's probably the music , it 's probably the awesome mirrors , it 's probably the isles and how he can run everywhere and it 's like a huge maze . We held our breath and took him into the store . Everything was fine and dandy until my mom put him down to try on shoes . Ian would try and hide and run from us , just laughing and giggling as loud as he could . Then , he 'd stop to dance and run some more . Then , he 'd flirt when everyone . Look at himself in the mirrors . . . . just having a grand ol ' time . Needless to say , my mom and I were sweating and exhausted by the time we left . Ian had a great time though . We were sure he was about to pass out so we brought him home to Stephen for a nap and continued on with our day . Later , I found out that Ian didn 't nap , at all . He was asleep by 830 and awake by 630 . That 's my boy . I don 't know how he does it . I need to find out how to channel this energy and then give myself some of it . . . if you 're nice , I 'll give you some too . . . . if you really need it . Ian and I got to eat with Jackie this morning . It was oh so tasty ! We went to the brand new Kirby Lane . Then I attempted to get my inspection at Walmart , but my Walmart doesn 't do inspections . Then , I went to Pep Boys , their inspector called in sick today . Looks I 'll just go tomorrow . Stephen has gone to the store for me that last 3 nights , pretty late . Once for pickles , once for an A / C filter because I just could not wait until the morning , and lastly for orange juice last night . I just cannot take my prenatal vitamins unless I have orange juice . He deserves something awesome , I just don 't know what it is yet . I bought Ian some Flinstones gummy vitamins to take now . He always asks for more . Please insure that I keep these high up , somewhere locked . On a side note , Uncle Aaron came over last night and ate one too . Speaking of Uncle Aaron : I went to pick up Ian from my parents ' after work last night and saw that my mom made crab cakes and fish , so I stayed and ate . Then , I get home and after a while , Aaron and Stephen walk back from the gym . I tell Aaron of this . Aaron goes to my parents ' house to eat some delicious food . We work in mysterious ways . I 'll be 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow . Um , 3 more weeks and this pregnancy is half way over . . . what ? ! This one is just flying by ! It 's incredibly ridiculous . Stephen and I ( and maybe Ian , but only a little ) watched Kicked Ass the other night . GREAT movie . At first , I had no interest , then my dad told me that the little girl in the movie is Ian 's future wife , so of course I had to watch it . I loved it so hard . I told Stephen we 're going to train our daughter to do that too . ( We don 't know if we 're having a girl , but I did tell Stephen we aren 't stopping having kids until we have at least one boy and one girl , but we 'll see ) . If you don 't know what I " m talking about , go get the movie . Side note : It is NOT kid friendly , lots of violence and blood and cursing . . . just FYI . In Houston this past weekend , I got to snap some pictures of Deana and her family downtown . It was fun , and windy , and hot ! But , it went pretty well . I don 't have the watermarked versions on this computer , so I 'll just put some edited ones up . There are so many more that I like , but I don 't want to overload your browser , or email , whichever you get . It was a lot of fun and I can 't wait until the next session with them . Deana says that she wants a different theme every time . Yay ! Franny kindly mentioned to me that she doesn 't read my Ten on Tuesday because it 's too much to read . She simply reads the intro and reads the last part , but none of the questions . : ) I 'll try and not type so much . 1 . What is your current favorite television show ? Um , this is a hard one . Mainly because I am horrible at making choices and how can I pick just one show ? I would say that currently Psych may be up there on the list . Stephen and I watch it together and it 's hilarious . I must admit that I was super excited about 10 minutes ago when I went to add HIMYM 's air date into my Google Calendar and I realized that How I Met Your Mother , Glee , and Modern Family all start on the same week . Can you say exciting ? ! 2 . Apple juice or orange juice ? Orange juice . Especially now that it makes my baby move . : ) 3 . It 's Shark Week on Discover Channel . Do you watch ? Why or why not ? No . We do not have cable television because I was DVR - ing everything when I should have been studying . It was a terrible addiction . Stephen and I were actually talking about it the other day . We can probably get it back now that I 'm not in school anymore , but we have not yet . Do you think I 'll be able to control my DVR - ing addiction ? 4 . What are the non - blog websites that you visit regularly ? Hmm . . . sometimes I 'll visit Stumble Upon . I visit Facebook and my Google reader . . . and that 's pretty much it unless I 'm researching something . . . so Google . com is probably at the top of that line ! 5 . What is your favorite way to prepare green beans ? Asparagus ? Potatoes ? Carrots ? I am totally obsessed with baked vegetables , so asparagus , potatoes , and carrots in the oven are wondrous . And green beans ? Um . . . in a pan ? 8 . If you could only shop at 3 stores for the rest of your life , what would they be ? ( You probably should include a grocery store . ) HEB , Babies R Us , and Target . 9 . If you could only use wine for one purpose for the rest of your life , which would you choose ? To cook with or to drink ? To drink . Good late morning readers . We got back late last night from Houston visiting Stephen 's parents , sister , and nephews . It was a pretty good , but hot , trip . This post is VERY picture heavy . I 've been editing pictures all morning because I did a family session with Deana , my business partner ( I 'll post those another day ) , so take notice that I stop giving pictures rounded edges half way through the post . . . sorry ! For starters , we drove down to Houston at 3am on Saturday . I always want to leave early because Ian is sleeping and after about an hour in the car , he starts crying . Yes , this is better than it used to be , but still not great . I had a nice cup of decaf coffee when we got to Larry and Janet 's , but I didn 't want to waste a picture on that this blog . Lots of the trip consisted of the following image : The boys loved playing video games and on occasion , Ian would watch too . For the most part , it was pushing buttons on their controllers while they were playing . Ian also found that the perfect sized bed for him is in fact , Honey 's bed . There were times when he would actually push Honey off the bed so that he could lay on it . And he 'd say " night night . " Though , he never actually fell asleep on it , he was just in love with it . I told Stephen we should buy Ian a doggy bed and just build a platform for it , it 's about the size of a toddler bed , right ? Then Janet told me that they make platforms for dog beds , so I guess it wouldn 't be too difficult to do . Ian also took to his cousins like crazy . He loved hanging out with them . He was also really good at invading their personal space . I think they 're watching a movie here . Don 't let those pictures fool you . These were the ONLY times Ian was just laying down . When the air mattresses were blown up , he would take the jumping on them and doing all sorts of gymnastics . I had to interfere when he started climbing the chair and jumping onto them . He 's a little dare devil . Let 's see , what else happened ? Ian got to chalk outside ! He really enjoyed that . After tracing Cole and Kyle we were able to trace Ian ( we as in Janet and Lisa ) . He was getting all of his chalk , moving it to the grass and back and forth . . . why Ian does these things ? I do not know . Finally , on Sunday before we left , we went to Moody Gardens . It was fun ! Stephen loves underwater animals , and so does Ian for the most part . When we got to the penguins , they had a chart so you could see how big you were compared to the penguin . I 'm proud to say that Ian is in fact , heavier , than the penguin . : ) Well , the one around his height anyways . They had Shark Passports and you stamped them with the different sharks you saw as you went through the pyramid , it was pretty neat . As I 'm writing this , I realize that Janet probably still has Ian 's . I haven 't unpacked yet , but I remember giving it to her . Oops . Oh well . I 'll get it back I 'm sure . Anyways , that was our trip . We left around 5 to come back and didn 't get back to Austin until 9 . Ian started crying . We had two stops , one at a Walmart in Columbus where we bought their only portable DVD player and Cars . Stephen rigged it up to the backseat and it was silence ( minus the movie 's sound and Ian 's giggles ) , the whole way back ! It was easy from then on . I 'm the mommy to two wonderful kids and the wife to one amazing man ! I 'm 24 years old and work as an assistant teacher . I have a photography business on the side with a long - time friend , it 's a passion . This is our crazy , wonderful life . The husband . We 've been married for over a year now and have been together for over four . He is a nerd at heart and is full of trivia . He 's also into video games . And yes , he does most of the handy work around our house . Two years old and full of amazing energy ! He loves to sing and plays nonstop . He loves books and his alphabet and going to school . He is also infatuated with his little sister , the best big brother anyone could ask for . |
I 've made an appointment at the end of July to have my teeth extracted - seven of them . Not all of them , yet . . . it seems to include the ones that are hurting me so much . I 've had a very hard time sleeping the past week - - worked all but one day when I stayed home to try to figure out what to do with all of the reactions . Their pain medication isn 't working for me - spending hours pacing , taking hot baths to reorient the pain - cooking myself on a heating pad etc . . . back to OTC stuff until Monday , at least . Sunday I have off - and maybe I 'll find some sleep as well . In the meantime , Esme and Daddy play Minecraft and build lots of things . We 've watched some episodes of Emily of New Moon when I get home from work . Esme hopes I 'll be able to play more with her soon . . . . me too . Esme comments on New Moon - What is the purpose of the show ? Every child has a destiny . Except the Emily child - she has to work for hers . / / hmmm . . . interesting point of view . She has really started to pay attention to some of the comments , and how Elizabeth 's restrictions effect Emily and everyone else in the household . Posted by Capture this before it passes me by . I have seen Esme grabbing cards off of our bulletin board - ones sent by her great aunt and others , and reading bits of them , and putting them back . There is an element of ' you didn 't tell me to read that ' in it . . curiosity . . . and sometimes I see her expression flicker and I wonder what she has found . I an glad to see it . And she has been scanning the spines of the books on our non - fiction shelf - and saying she has seen those before . I told her she could take any book from that shelf and look through it , even if all she wanted to do was look at it for a minute . . . or read a lot , as long as she takes care of it and puts it back . She said she thought those were our books , so she had been leaving them alone . We said she could look at any book in the house - if it was fragile or looked very old we would appreciate her asking for help with it . I wonder if that would be a good time exercise for homeschool , too , a day or two here and there . . . pick anything you want to look at - and get to know what is in the shelves . We have so many books - it can be intimidating ! And as I mentioned before - she has always taken books sort of ' for granted ' . . . seeing any curiosity is a good thing . Last night she read a page or two of the chapter in Little House in the Big Woods I had been reading to her . She really wanted to get up and run around the room in laps . Mark was a bit exasperated by this behavior . I know she is getting some out of reading this - but it doesn 't use up all of her energy . . and she has been having huge bursts of energy whenever I get home she just can 't sit still etc . . . something we need to work on and figure out what is the best method . We baked and frosted a cake together yesterday . Esme wanted to ensure I had a ' birthday party ' with presents and a cake and ice cream . Somehow it all came together . Mark and Irene gave me some lovely thoughtful presents - and Esme drew me some pictures and made a puppet , and helped Mark pick out yarn . Mark insisted I buy a copy of Banished , a town building survival game he had found that is like the kind of games I like to play . Irene gave me a lovely purple shirt ( shown in the picture ) and some sweet things . Mark got his steak the other day , and a paper blue caterpillar from Esme in a tube . His Mom sent him some oven gloves to counteract his love of flaming hot things ; ) I woke up and wandered the world for a few minutes just as the sun was coming up . It is my yearly tradition . I saw the flowers that were blooming and was invited by our dogs to chase rabbits in the long wet grass . I felt a little like a Highland lady walking along the road next to the misty valley with my blanket thrown over my shoulder and a long skirt skimming the wet leaves . Then I had a bit of a nap until Esme came bounding upstairs wanting to have all the presents opened immediately . She didn 't understand ( couldn 't fathom at all ) why anyone would want to wait a single minute . We cut the cake about noon , and brought a piece up to Grandma about two . We had planned to spend a nice day at home and try not to get really hot . Some sad news happened while we were there talking to Grandma - our sweet dog Loula was hit by a truck on the road . They probably would have all been home if we hadn 't been out visiting ourselves . Mark did the necessaries for her - he said we didn 't want to see . . . . I will miss her . Esme will miss her , too . . . . she is more worried that I am sad about it . A sad thing in such a nice day . Comments to remember : Watching ' Idiocracy ' : Esme says : " I need to see their inventor person . Maybe he isn 't living anymore . That would be bad - they need one , because they don 't have good ideas . And they need to learn how to spell hospital , and get non - green water . Their machines don 't even work . " How many times have we watched this and she hasn 't commented on it at all ? Talking abut numbers while she washed her hair in the bathtub . . . it 's millions , then billions , then zillions , then gazillions . ( me : and then a googleplex - that is where the word google comes from , because there are that many things to search through to find things ) and a googleplex plus one ? ( yes , and then there is another number , infinity , which is the biggest number you could ever have , and it is always getting bigger , because it is the largest number there ever can be ) and infinity plus one ? ( Yes . ) The Earth is always getting bigger , all the time . ( No , the Earth stays pretty much the same size - the Universe is getting bigger around it , all the way to the edges and growing all the time . ) Oh , yea , that - and it is growing because time is passing , and going out further and further ( me : That could be . Scientists are working on that ) . And the smallest number is zero , then , because it is nothing at all . ( me : No , - zero is zero . Nothing added , nothing taken away - balanced . And . . . that was that . I 'll leave this with the very first picture we had of Loula , from Christmas Eve , 2011 , and one from when she grew up into one of the best dogs we have had - - a ' classic all - around ' dog . Poor girl . The weekend is coming up - Father 's Day and my birthday . Mark got a steak : ) I have a cake to bake with Esme tomorrow . Not much going on today - finished reading the Emily series in book form , and started reading some of the kids poems and stories that I had downloaded earlier . I adapted a very old book of poems from 1899 to use for her homeschool next year - some cute things there and I can add illustrations . There are several witty puns and topics ( birds , squirrels , cats and dogs ) she will be able to relate to . Esme read us her bird book from the library today as incentive towards playing bird with her in Minecraft for a while . She read very well - and only missed some rather large words - like clamoring , territory etc . . . I wanted to mark down that I heard her read a lot of new words with understanding - - the level I thought she was at is confirmed . When she is interested in the subject the book isn 't ' too long ' either . . as long as there are some pictures . The art easel we had ordered is here - an early birthday present and a supply for our upcoming school year at the same time . The fabric I bought in Murray yesterday has been finished out into a red dress - with maybe enough left over to do a sundress bodice with later - if I make the skirt of something else . I like being able to stretch a yard of fabric enough that I don 't feel so guilty paying 5 dollars a yard for it in the first place . And it is just what I wanted pattern wise : ) Dress info : I used Butterick 4543 in size 7 with alterations . I made the front bodice a double - thickness for the facing . . . no way it can pop out and be visible like her herringbone dress has been bothering me with . Her dress looks like view C with short sleeves , no inverted pleat in front or flaps or collar . I did pleat the skirt and sleeves - - it is my make - do , but it works . The zipper remains to be sewn in by hand - but other than that it is done . I tried it on her before I set the sleeves and it seemed to fit her just fine . Esme has been very artistic today . She has drawn a beach scene ( hint hint to Mama - she put me in the picture under an umbrella reading my Kindle , so she could play with the kids at the beach ) . And the other drawing pictured is a tree that is a home for cats - and she left room for me to draw something on the other side . I made a school house and the kittens are all marching to school . That brings to me something she said yesterday . We had bought a clearance geology kit and put it up with her supplies for next year . She asked when we are starting school again . I told her August 2nd . She said ' Why can 't it be August 1st ? ' She dived into ' summer projects ' making decorations with stencils and markers and her drawings today . She wants to work more in Minecraft today again - making another house by the bank in Freeway world . In short , she is starting to want to ' do things ' a bit more . . . especially when Mom is home on her days off . We went to Murray , KY today - to see the oral surgeon for my wisdom teeth . They gave me the news , not quite as bad as what I thought it might be . . . but still , it will take some planning to do what , to them , must be done . * Sigh * Onward . I stopped at the Murray Sewing center , and splurged on a yard of fabric that will become part of a new dress for Esme . I need to weed out some of her things , as well . . . and I wanted to replace like for like . I chose this I had wanted a ' red calico ' print with some blue in it . . which turns out to be hard to find . Out of all of their stock , this was about the only thing that fit the bill . I had searched our local place as well and not found anything that satisfied the idea . Esme had pointed out several bright pink monstrosities that could have bee made into something nice . . . Mark indicated a pattern full of purple and green squirrel silhouettes ( which would have made awesome pants ) but my heart was set on a ' timeless dress ' . I have never made anything as beautiful as her Navy blue dress with Pockets , which had a little rose motif on it . I have tried a few times to emulate it . . . but failed . The next decision on this one is to go with the apple green mixer print I have in my stash , or the bright red solid - for the skirt . I imagine this for the bodice front and back . . one yard should do that . I have downloaded some English poetry in Amazon 's free Kindle books - to browse after I finish the Emily Starr trilogy . She mentions so many of them in this series . I have read all of them here and there . . . but never had them so closely at hand as to read them when I wished . We are home now , chickens fed and a relaxing night ahead of us . And I have tomorrow off , so there might be some time to sew . The fabric is washing and drying . . . I should go pick out a pattern as that takes me longer now that she is bigger than it ever used to . Esme has been building these in her Minecraft . She modelled them off a plastic dinosaur toy she has . This really shows where her natural talent lies . . she can just start and build something with an idea in her head given materials and tools she can use . She named this world ' Jurassic Esme ' . I went out to the garden this morning and pulled in ingredients for a soup , which I took for lunch at work . I have been avoiding the garden some these past few weeks after all the weird weather made half our crops fail to thrive . But Mark is right - I 'll lose what is producing if I keep feeling scorned and neglecting it . It also doesn 't help that I am just so tired lately , Esme wants to play her games SO much ( she is exhausting normally , but the undirected energy of no - school schedule in the day seems to exhaust me MORE not less . . . mostly because she gets prone to repetition and throwing stuff about randomly without something we forge ahead on ) When I get up in the morning I am getting ready for work - and when I get home from work I hardly have much time before it is time for bed . . . I feel like I can 't burn the candle at both ends to get anything done , and a bit stressed by the idea of starting things and not being able to finish them for days . We did read a bit more in our Little House book . She isn 't into it - but I feel it is important she hears how life was that long ago . I do see some gears turning here and there - especially during the ' when I / grandpa etc were little ' stories . I 've also been scanning here and there for more resources for her science next year - as I feel that will get her excited in other realms . I am toying with the idea of making her a folder for the main subjects and holding her to finish what is in there ( whether I 'm here or Daddy is ) and then she can decide what to do for the rest of the required time for the day . I asked her what she wanted to learn most next year and she said Roller skating tricks . . . and woodworking ( making things with wood ) . And she wants to go the zoo again ( She said that this morning when she woke up ) . When she did her journal entry today she said she was glad her writing was getting better and staying in a straight line now instead of going up and down all over . It really is the little things . I need to work on recognizing that , myself . We had a day out to town today - to the library and the playplace - as it was too hot for the park . Esme played with a lot of kids . I bought a few magazines and a book for her . She chose a bird book to check out with her card . On the way home we saw a mother deer and her VERY new fawn cross the road - it was so very small ! I 'm not sure what we 'll do later - we have been working on a new Minecraft world that centers around a blacktop freeway . We 've put in a bank , a few houses , a swimming ' pool ' , a store and a pizza restaurant . We are centering around horses as ' cars ' and setting up the ' parking lots ' off the highway just like they are in a real town , except each having a fence post to tie up a horse at . I 've started a new sketchbook . . . drew something halfway decent in it after Esme went to bed last night . I am halfway through reading Emily Climbs ( the middle book of Lucy Maude Montgomery 's Emily Starr trilogy ) on the Kindle , and am thinking of how ( or which ) to tackle my thoughts on chemistry and math . If I could break out some time at night on my computer I could listen to some more Khan Academy where I left off last . . . or gather up my books and jot some relevant things in my sketchbook , which has worked very well for me in the past . Esme 's attempt to recreate the roller rink here in town . She built the rink out of ice so it really would slide . She has little chests in the blue area in the middle with item frames with boots , for the rollerskates , and chests underneath that with the diamond , gold or iron ' rollerskates ' inside . The eating area is off to the right of the counter , just like in the real rink in town - and it has a high counter with stuff behind it , just like in the real place . Instead of the air hockey table , she has made a ' ride the horse ' game , and instead of a token machine she has a chest way off in the corner that says ' tokens ' . What tickled me the most is on the wall are chests full of ' toy prizes ' and ' food ' and on the counter is a chest that says ' two tickets ' full of flower prizes . And a little comment about myself . I honestly could not pass a chemistry test put in front of me at the moment . I am halfway mixed - up in physics unless I dive into it for a while first . I am fairly good at math - but last time I went through the steps I broke up at dividing polynomials and I am still offended by that . . . need to find more resources and smack that tetherball hard until I figure it out . But I feel I have no time . . . or at least none that will be usefully applied to this when there are so many other things that are pressing . But , my brain won 't shut up . I dust vanities at work and out of nowhere I am compelled to find out what actinides have to do with paramagnetism . I solve a garden hose adapter problem for someone and the phrase ' green gallium ' comes up . . . then before I know it I am propelled into indium gallium superconductors at the same time there are all these interesting articles about them ( which I had not even seen hair of before that ) . I woke up one night with some very clear idea of a melting point threshold and reaction with a tin compound that was all written out in front of me like some foreign language . And lately praseodymium crystals , optics and again magnetism are chewing on that same little corner of my brain suggesting words to look up . But the rational part of my brain says ' I don 't know anything about this ! ' . The real question is - I obviously know ( at some level ) something about this , and I am just refusing myself time to study it , because it feels like ' chasing butterflies . ' What is the answer to that ? I don 't know . . . and Esme comes bounding up the stairs and asks to play games . We are gathering a bit more for Esme 's geology science next year - a ten dollar microscope , some gemstone slice samples and crystals - at the same time we ordered a few little things I wanted for my birthday coming up , including an aluminum easel for upright painting . This is the first year in a while I have not asked for that specific day off - because my vacation was used up earlier in the year 's snowstorms . I could have asked for it unpaid - but it just didn 't have the urgency with my tooth exam already being the Monday before ( and unpaid off ) I hope I will still be able to keep my tradition of getting up to see the sunrise . . . but it is possible that I may have to be to work by then and miss it . . . the schedule drops in a few days and I will know . Things might change a bit after the surgeon looks at my teeth , as well . I bought Esme a set of jacks ( rubber though , not metal ) and we looked up how to play again - I will state the variations we played when I was a child . We would bounce the ball and try to pick up as many as we could from the center pile without knocking any others out of position or dropping the ball or any jacks . We could not drop or catch the ball with the opposite hand - we had to drop , scoop and catch all before the ball bounced again . The other variation was the onesies , twosies , threesies etc . . where you see who can grab the listed number of jacks in order , and proceed along until someone gets to five , six or your maximum # of jacks . But , mostly we played the scoop version - and the pile dwindled , and whoever had the most at the end of the group won . There is a lot of thinking , pre - planning and execution in the game that you don 't think about until you are trying to play well . Esme got consistently better as we went along - but both of us were losing the ball and chasing it across the floor often . Mark says we should find some metal ones and a wooden ball and compare the difficulty . This was a little 2 . 50 set that was at a pharmacy store on display and I thought it would be cool to teach Esme to play . We still have to find a decent marbles set , too - as that has similar thought processes . I get another day off Wednesday . I am still reading Emily of New Moon Farm , by the same author as Anne of Green Gables ( and similar theme ) . We ordered the mini - series as part of my birthday ( it was surprisingly cheap for 48 episodes ) . It almost makes me want to take another stab at poetry ; ) Posted by We went to Mulberry Park today , in McKenzie , TN and met up with some friends . Esme wanted to take pictures of the ducks , and to feed them . We went for a little ice cream afterwards and to play for a while . M4817 McCalls multilayer sundress pattern . I intended to cut out the size 6 , but some of the pieces for the top were closer to the size 8 - so I might need to add a pair of ties to the back to keep it from being the tiny bit gappy while she grows . I reduced it by one layer , and also pleated it , instead of gathering it . . because I ' roll that way ' when I sew . I hate to gather the fabric first . The pink fabric was something she had chosen years ago for pants and I couldn 't quite bring myself to work with it ( eye searing ) . . . but a matching pair of shorts for this might be doable now that this turned out so well . She added the silk flower . She is uncanny sometimes . . . . I had just been looking at that spot and wondering what to do with the little bit of ugly stitching that had happened at that spot and she was at my elbow with the flower a friend gave her today . I do worry a bit how well that part will wash . . . but we 'll see . What do I hear all the time , now ? ' Speaking of xxxx , . . . . . . goes on with some question or comment ' . I can directly trace that to Gadget the mouse from Rescue Rangers . : ) Ha ! Posted by It has been a long week - I finally get a day off tomorrow . We went out for a few groceries today , and I showed Esme what a rutabaga looks like . I brought one home and had her watch me peel it and cut it up - put it in an oven dish with a little water and olive oil and sprinkle spices on it . Then it went in the toaster oven on bake for an hour . I 'll take it to work for my supper , with the rest of what we had cooked the other night . When we checked out with it ( and all the rest of the groceries ) the cashier said she had never seen one before . Esme said it smelled nice . . but I won 't have her eat it this time around ( and I really do want to eat it ! ) . . . Mark has planned porkchops for their dinner tonight and she already had lunch . She wants to go to the park tomorrow - and I did promise if the weather is good . She wants to see if the ducks are there yet . Her other ideas were all a bit much - - go to Kentucky Lake ( it is not yet warm enough ) and swim , go to the roller rink . . and we had talked about going to the Land Between the Lakes homestead sometime next year . We were reading the next few chapters in Little House and they baked bread , made butter , made bullets for the hunting alongside their father , and are getting ready for Christmas . I started and finished Call of the Wild again , had forgot a few bits here and there - like when the sled goes through the ice just after Buck was rescued . I need to download a few more of those free books . . as I have worked my way through quite a few of that era lately . . . brings back memories as many of these books were in my brother 's classics collection or cast - off at library sales at the time I was really wanting things to read as a kid and had very few in the house . I know reading so many books of that era - 1850 - 1940 , effected the way I grew up , and what I came to value . . I have been sort of saving Dora Deane for a while - reading the others by the authoress that I had not known existed before . . . that was a quarter book from the library when I was nine or ten , and I read it although it may have been a little ' old ' and romantic for me at the time . . . I likened little Dora to the matchgirl in the fairy tale that dies in the cold , except she was rescued at the last moment . I finished Homestead on the Hillside and the English Orphans by her recently , as well as the Rice Corner pair . . . and told Esme little bits out of them that were the most memorable . I have some Horatio Alger ( the other side of the coin , poor boys work hard and make their fortunes ) downloaded , and am working towards finding the rest of the Tarzans and Princess of Mars series , as well . We 've had a few cooking lessons - dry beans , pudding and soup . Esme had handed me the package of dry beans and called them ' canned ' . . so I said it was time to see how that was done . She wasn 't too enthused about the beans - but today when strawberry pudding and chicken noodle soup was involved she was very ready to cook ! I helped but she had to make decisions and answer questions and do the things she could do , like stir , open some things and pour water etc . Also , we have started reading the Little House in the Big Woods book last night - - and just finished watching Aliens in the Attic : ) Rhelynn aka Marie LambI am a thirty - something artist turned plumber , married to a similarly minded geek husband and living on a rural Tennessee farm with one beautiful amazing little girl . We make one of a kind original toys . I am working on a book , but it won 't be ready for a while . . . Find me on Etsy at KnitOwl Toys . This site has a little of everything , knitting , sewing , weaving , heirloom gardening , math , science . . . . I love to create using vintage sewing patterns and our home is full of things we have made together over the years - many of which you will find blogged about here . Welcome to KnitOwl , follow below and come back often ! Thanks Everyone ! Can I ask for a survey here ? When using a carbon - copy receipt book , does the business keep the original ( white ) copy and g . . . Radar is dead . Our boss found him by a fence this morning , no sign why . Newt ( our girls ' mother ) has also been missing , and probably . . . |
This is the first weekend that I am not with you . It 's hard not to be by your side but I try calling you through out the day . Juanita , Wayne and the children went to see you this afternoon while I stayed in Truro . There wasn 't much to do on call , so I busied myself at home . I cleaned and organized - my standing prescription for anxiety that I can 't address directly . You had a bad day today . Bad thoughts consumed you . When you get like this , it 's as if your mind is trapped on a negative thought and you can 't shake free of it . Your mind circles around the thought and periodically you dive into the middle of it with desperate pleas to end your suffering . I try to get you thinking about other things but it 's hard to think of things to say when I feel your pain . It seems that my efforts to help , can occasionally stop you from diving into the middle but I fall short when I try to stop you from circling and obsessing on a thought . Juanita was upset about leaving you . The children felt your despair today too . Juanita did her best to help you past your bad thoughts while Wayne tried to distract the children . It didn 't work . Tara 's ( and I suspect Quinn ) keen ears overheard a lot of your fears and thoughts . She doesn 't understand why you say those things . When they got back to Truro , Tara called me . I was on the phone to you at the time . You were crying . I ask you to wait while I talk to Tara and Quinn on the cell phone . Tara is upset and needs to talk . She gives me a detail description of how the day went . She is hurting … and almost angry . She felt ignored by you . Tara and I talked . Tara is struggling with your despair . I tried to explain that when you are in a very sad mood , you are not yourself . I pleaded with her to try to think of something good that happened today . She couldn 't think of anything . Quinn also felt your pain . Several times on the drive home , he tugged Tara 's ear . When he talks to me on the phone , he is crying . He can 't tell me why . Quinn is so empathetic . He picks up your bad feelPosted by This afternoon , The home care lady from the NSRC called me at work . She has been starting the legwork on setting up home care for you . Thankfully , there appears to be no substantial waitlist . Eventually , we can even do ' self managed homecare ' which sounds like a better option for you . With this program we would hire a personal care worker , make a work schedule and write a job description . We might even have access to some MSI funds to do some of this . She should have more information by the fourth of March , which still gives us three weeks to get something in place . When I got home today , there were two surprises waiting for me . A package from the sister of your old friend , Donald . Ruth sent a package to the children too . Animal fact sheets with a note about her memories growing up with her brother in Amherst many years ago . The children were quite excited . Tara and Quinn wasted no time organizing the fact sheets . My package had a letter , an apron with the word ' Hope ' written all over it and a note for you about ' Hope ' . The card said : " Of all forces that make for a better world , none is so powerful as hope . With hope , one can think , one can work , one can dream . If you have hope , you have everything . " Lately , I have been so bogged down with the details I have forgotten the big picture . I had forgotten the word that started this marathon . HOPE . I promised myself that I would not forget again . The second surprise was a phone message . Dr Mendez 's secretary called . She was asked to call to get your mother 's phone number ! Dr Mendez received her letter . When I told her later in the evening , she squealed with excitement . She has been feeling overwhelmed by everything that surrounds you . Now she is able to do something … anything that could make a difference . I am excited for her . More HOPE . Today you were measured of a wheel chair . Your OT is identifying the features your wheelchair needs . She had said to me at the family meeting that it would be a basic wheelchair . But today , you have been left with tPosted by " You might want to sit down . " You said as we started our nightly phone call . I was sitting and trying to eat my dinner while getting children to brush their teeth and talk to you . An average night full of multitasking . " I have a new discharge date . March 25th . They want me for two more weeks . " You sounded like you had mixed feelings about it . I did too . I want you home . I want to start living our new life together but I also want you to get the most that you can out of the NSRC . " That 's great . " I said trying to convince us both that it IS great . I know that it 's great news but I still worry about it really means . . Maybe they want to work more on stairs ; maybe they want to do something else or maybe they just need more time to get what they had started done . I tried not to speculate about it too much . " Two weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime . " I tell you . " We 've waited this long , Two more weeks is easy . " You feel that you are doomed . " It 's a Karma thing . " You explain . " I 'm going to get home and then I 'll have another massive brain bleed again within two weeks . " I scold you for talking negative again . " That type of talk isn 't going to help your cause . " I change the subject to get you off that track - it 's like a well - worn luge run . Icy , slippery and dangerous . I don 't want to go down that path . " Did you get the things you wanted from Marsha ? " Marsha collected some things from home for you yesterday and took them down to Halifax today . She delivered them to you after her work . One item was a poster . A special poster . One of three posters you collected at the Boston Marathon last year . You wanted the poster to give to your PT . She has been such a great inspiration to you . She always has a story to share . Stories about people and their lives . Her calm voice captures your mind with a story while she cues you through the exercise that she is doing with you . It is amazing to watch . Like a well choreographed dance . The poster is special . It has a photo of Boylston Posted by This morning I did a special job for you . You have been watching the calendar closely . You remembered that Nellie , a hospital maintenance worker at the Colchester hospital , is retiring this month . She retires after 29 years of service . Nellie is one of the first people who you met after really waking up . You worked hard at remembering her name . Once you had her name you won 't let go of it . Her name is like a trophy . " If I can remember Nellie then I can do more . " You had promised Nellie that you would buy her a Tim Hortons large black coffee . So on my way to work I stopped by hospital and hand delivered a gift card to Nellie along with a card . Nellie was delighted that you remembered her and said as she hugged me " Give Chris a big Nellie hug for me . " I had thought that going back to the hospital would be a tough job . Walking past the room you were in brought back memories of your stay there . But the anxiety of the visit evaporated away quickly as I met people that worked with you during your stay there . They all wanted to know how you were doing and pleased to hear that you were walking . I felt that I was with old friends while on the fourth floor . I know where you will walk to the first chance you can … to the hospital to visit your friends . The home care coordinator called me at work . She wanted to get an idea of what degree of home care you will need . She wanted to know if you could be left alone . I don 't know . As things stand now , I don 't see how you can be home by yourself when you can 't transfer to a toilet without help . I know that this is going to get better with time but I suspect that you will need to use the toilet occasionally before that time ! The coordinator talked about the number of hours that they might be able to do based on availability and the associated costs . I told her that we don 't need someone to Chris - Sit you and do meals and light house keeping . I would rather pay someone to help you with your recovery plan . Any extra money we have I want to put towards your recovery notPosted by The other day you asked me " What will I do for work ? " My answer was : " You will work at recovery . " That will be a fulltime job . The hours will be long and it is going to be hard work , sometimes monotonous and the pay will suck but the payoff will be worth it in the end . There will be days that you don 't feel like it . Just like there were days that you didn 't feel like running … but you ran anyway . Your work will become your passion . Today at work , I had a client visit whom I have known for a number of years . I first met him with his little Corgi dog and now he and his wife have a little Westie . His wife has MS . It was and is a condition that affected both of their lives . He asked me about you and how things were going . I told him that you were making a recovery but there will be a lot of adjustments for both of us . I told him that the adjustments scared me a little . " We went through that sort of thing too . " He said . His wife had to accept a lot of things that she didn 't want to accept . All the way through it he would remind her " You don 't have MS … We have MS . We are a unit . " He tells her frequently that they would get through it together . So far they have . Intuitively , I knew this , but I didn 't acknowledge it fully until I heard his words . He is so right . We are in this together . Your pain is mine and mine is yours . Your strength bridges my weaknesses and my strengths bridge your weaknesses . We are a unit . Some days we are a ' hurting unit ' and some days we are strong . We got an email today from Linda in NB whose husband , Marc - a marathoner and father to slightly older children , had a stroke for now apparent reason . His stroke was in April 2008 . He is making a remarkable recovery . She has been following your recovery and identifying along the way with the worries and struggles that we have had . She has managed to send us notes of encouragement when it looked like we needed it and her timing has been God sent . Today she sent an email that I felt you really needed to hear : " It 's a Posted by Martha visited you early this morning . You had breakfast together . " I rant to her until she has to go so I then I have to stop the rant . " You said . Ranting and letting go of your worries and fears seems to be the best medicine lately . Once you put a concern into words , out of nowhere , some kind supportive person allows your words to fall on their ears and they help you throw the worries away . It seems that once you verbalize your fears , you are able to acknowledge how unimportant they really are . Today , it was Martha , last week it was your Mum , before that the nurses , OT and PT . Tonight , you shared your latest fear with me . You fear that I will leave you for another man . . . someone who has been there for me through these past rough months . " Yeah , I might do that , but I won 't have to leave you to do it because you are ' that man ' . We will help each other through this . " Even though this sounded like a bad movie script or a rather sorry country music lyrics … it still makes you feel better . When you feel good … I feel good . Last night I talked with you about getting a weekend pass for next weekend . I am on call and can 't come to the city to visit you . You asked the OT what she thought of the idea . She is concerned about a weekend pass . You felt that she is specifically concerned about your safety doing transfers and getting into the house . Of course , with me on call , the weekend will be unpredictable . I won 't know whether I will be called in to see an animal or not . Typically , February isn 't a very busy time , but there really is no predicting it . You respect the OT 's concerns . You have gotten to know her and feel like she is a concerned friend . I appreciate that she is very safety conscious and has to be . Your left neglect is a big safety issue . I had a call from the OT who works out of the local hospital today . She is coming to do a home visit tomorrow . Among many things , she is going to help us plan what we need to do to facilitate your homecoming . I am a little worried about what she might Posted by This morning you suggest that we should have a regular family Sunday meeting . To make a plan for the week . " A plan for what I want to achieve for meals and other jobs . " You want things that allow you to develop interests and feel like you are contributing to the family 's well being . A lot of what you need to do in a day should be oriented towards facilitating your recovery . A carefully planned day that allows you to work the parts of your brain and body that need the extra help and attention . It has been suggested to us that you will need supervision while at home . Neither of us know what this means exactly . A lot of it has to do with the fact that the left neglect makes things unsafe for you . If constant home care is going to be a fact then we should make the most of the people power and use their time to keep you on track to sticking to a recovery plan . A plan with daily , weekly and monthly goals . This can be a plan that extends to the whole family . Sunday can be a family goal setting time . As you talk about this I can 't believe my ears . The words ' plan ' and ' goals ' are music to my ears . Slowly the thought is entering your mind . " Why me ? Why did the stroke have to be so severe . There are all sorts of stroke survivors who suffer far less then this . " This is true , currently two of your three roommates are walking after their stroke . Of course you may not see their true losses as easily but all you know is how your loss feels . And it hurts . " I just want to walk , to run , to play with the kids , to swim and bike . I just want my body back . " This is so hard to hear . It reminded me of the time Juanita and I talked on the phone shortly after she lost her first baby early in her pregnancy . We were all so excited about the new life in the family and Juanita wanted to be a mother more then anything . She said weeping over the phone " I just want my baby back . " Those words still tear at my heart when I think about them . Your words rip my heart out . In the afternoon , Martha came over for a little visitPosted by I was right . The morning was better . Your tone shifted from feeling like a joke to feeling like a good person who wants to make sacrifices for the children and me . " The stroke was completely out of my control … " Your thinking is shifting from feeling punished to being a victim of a random event . Quinn brought , with him this weekend , a magic show kit that he got for Christmas . While I make breakfast , you help Quinn figure out a trick using a fake thumb . You are quite capable to problem solve with the children . I over hear your conversation from the kitchen . When I stick my head around the corner , Quinn quickly defers to me to help . I realize that if I make a point to stand back then they will go to you to get help . If I can do this , then your relationships the children will regain the strength that it had with time . I can see other benefits to this strategy . The children will force you to try things and experiment and learn new things or at least learn new ways of doing old things . The children will be your motivators . Your new leg brace is a pretty turquoise with the number 29 on it in several spots . There is definitely a learning curve to putting it on . I have not mastered it yet . There is a lot of grunting … and some swearing involved when I attempt it . When I finally get it on you , I realize that this appliance will be something that you will need help to put it on . I felt a bit overwhelmed yesterday while packing up your things for the weekend . There was a week 's worth of laundry to do in your closet . I packed it up into your bag yesterday and dragged it back to Lenore 's apartment . I had thought that I would do the laundry there over the weekend . When I went to start the laundry , I noticed that the machines aren 't normal coin machines . No , that would be too easy - these machines need ' smart cards ' - great what am I supposed to do now ? I think to myself . I picture us spending the afternoon at the NSRC doing laundry because that 's the only place I will be able to find a machine . I refused to gPosted by After work today , I pack to go to Halifax . This is our big weekend together as a family at Lenore 's ' apartment . We are all looking forward to it . I look about the house for a large gym bag for your things for the weekend . Your suitcase is too big . The Honda Fit can barely get the wheelchair in the back , let along a large suitcase . I finally locate an old sports bag downstairs in your man cave . It contains all sorts of old running shoes and cleats and balls . Nerf footballs , baseballs , soccer balls and an assortment of other balls . All big reminders of your BS life . My heart gets heavy when I think about your life before the stroke compared to now . This weekend is a prescription that I am writing for you as your wife . A prescription for the four of us . We need to have some ' normal ' time together without a hospital roof over our heads . When we get to the NSRC , you are anxiously awaiting our arrival . Juanita and Wayne are there with the children . Maddie is happily running about the room shamelessly topless . Thanks to Wayne , you were enjoying a few eggrolls . I get you packed and we pick up your drugs along with the instructions . You are still on a lot of medications . Pills for all occasions . Bowel , bladder , pain and mood . Finally we get settled in Lenore 's apartment . The first thing we do is see whether the bathroom is workable with a wheelchair . After some discussion and planning , we figure out a way to transfer you safely to the toilet . Yeah - You passed the toilet test ! You get to stay . Quinn wanted to tell you about his experience at school today . He said he was bullied . An older kid asked him if he could have the big snowball that Quinn was making , and then proceeded to get his friends to smash it up . He proudly tells you all about it and how he told the teacher . You were right on cue . You told him that he did the right thing and that bullies only have power if you give it to them . Not telling a grownup gives them power , telling a grownup takes it away . It was a good parenting moment . The two of you end Posted by Tonight 's phone call was pretty upbeat ! You had a good day . You had a good long talk with your Mum . She has been so despite to do something … anything . Your Mum is a nurse and a naturally nurturing person , for her to be stuck in Ottawa and recovering from her own major surgery has not helped her frustration at all . The two of you are close and I know her words of support helped you . There is an obvious difference between tonight 's phone call and other calls . After her call to you , she called us and we shared our ideas how to help you . She said yesterday , she wrote a letter to Dr . Mendez , the neurosurgery department head , who also does stem cell research . I am glad that she has written him . She sent it by registered mail . I had planned to write a letter to him but I have been bogged down in the day to day things and I can 't seem to muster the inspiration to write an eye - catching letter . You walked with the cane again . You felt it went well . You attribute the success to your PT who , you feel , gives great instructions . I think that some of the credit should goto you . You have focus and listen well . You are in a rather spiritual mood tonight . I mentioned to you how a friend , Mike , who follows your progress in the blog reminded us of the verse ' Footprints ' . I didn 't have to read it to you . You know it well . " I think that I will try to pray . " You say . I speculate whether God answers all prayers . True to form , you quote … of all things … a MASH episode . " Sometimes the answer is no . " " Or " I ponder " Maybe you are just asking the wrong question . " I know a lot of people believe in prayer and have been praying for you . I think that the power of prayer is the strongest if you believe too . My early morning dream was odd . I sensed that was to take place in the future . We were out for a meal in a restaurant . It must have been a special occasion because , in normal life , we rarely go out to eat . The four of us were there , so were Maddie , Farley , Erik and Neeson . The children were all playing and having a good time and you were playing with them . The children were giggling and everyone was having a good time . It was obvious to anyone witnessing this that the children saw you in your ' funny parent ' role . The best part of the dream was that I could see that slowly the children were convincing you that you are a parent . . . a funny caring loving parent . A Daddy and an uncle . I dreamt that I wrote about this in the journal and someone commented back in the blog about my observations . " Of course the children will see Chris as a parent . They don 't see disabilities they see a role model . " It 's funny how the subconscious mind works . I got a phone call returned from a stair lift company in Ontario . It sounds like a do - able idea and a much more attractive idea then moving or doing extensive renovations to the house where we may never recover the expense . If at some point , I hope that you will outgrow the need of a stair lift and we could sell it . While I appreciate the OT 's safety concerns , I am very aware that ' aids ' can also create a dependency and not facilitate recovery . While ' aids ' enables a disability in a positive way they also enable in a negative way . If true independence is not part of your immediate future and you will need assistance for most things then why not use the assistance to it 's maximum potential for recovery . ' Home care ' doesn 't have to have to be defined by VON or other agencies . ' Home care ' can be defined by us . It can be integrated with PT and OT and all the other T 's ( therapies ) . After the phone call , I try to do things about the house one handed . It 's hard and takes about three times longer to do anything . I expect there is a learning curve and one gets mPosted by While walking Quinn to school , he said out of the blue " I don 't want to move . " Gosh , I thought , he has been thinking about this since our talk last night . We talk about the difference between a house and a home . " Who we live with is much more important then where we live . " I hope that if I can plant that seed with him then he can plant it with you . If we did have to move and you could see that the children like the idea then you would feel better about it . Maybe this will help you to embrace the idea . At lunch today I called a lady who I know from work . She and her husband are both disabled but have the fortitude to continue to live independently in their own home . They are a fairly young couple who was recently married . She has had a lot of experience working with OT 's over the years . She knows a good one when she sees one . She had some names to pass onto me . We talk at length about her experiences with home care and what has worked well for her and her husband . She is a wealth of knowledge . I take heaps of notes as I talk to her . I mention that changes to the house may be needed . She even had suggestions about who to get to do the work . A plan is starting to form . . . S always … a plan gives me energy . The nightly call to you covered a lot of things . The OT has been suggesting ideas of what we could do to our house . Neither of us like the ideas . It seems to me , extensive renovations may be more then we will need . In all likelihood , your condition will get better . Not worse . Why plan for the worst ? Not only are renovations expensive but they would make the house difficult to sell later . We wouldn 't redeem the cost . We need a better solutions then renovations or moving . The home care coordinator was in to visit you . You were a little unsure what she discussed with you but you told the lady that she should talk to me about homecare . Today , you got measured for a leg brace . This brace is discrete and will sit inside your running shoe . It will fix your ankle at 90 degrees . Once your ankle is stabilized , tPosted by Today is the day of the family meeting . I prepared for it last night . I made a list of 26 questions . I am confident that the tone of the meeting will be positive and it will be about a plan to get you home . A subject dear to my heart . As I drive to Halifax , my mind races over that queries that I have . Among them is an observation that has slowly gotten my attention . I have noticed that you seem to lack the concentration to focus on things - whether it 's TV or sports on TV , a movie , reading or being read to - your concentration time seems to be 15 - 30 minutes . I add this to the list of things to talk about . I get there just in time to meet with the social worker . She normally works on a different floor but has come to meet with you for the first time . You are just getting to know each other . She has lots of smiles and good encouraging words . She says that now she has met with you , she will come to the family meeting too . Today you and your PT put on a show for me . First you work on transfers from the chair to a platform bed . This is a more challenging transfer because there is no pole or handle to grab . You must push your body up with your right hand on the armrest and pivot and rest your hand on the side of the platform to complete your landing . You do it well with minimal help from your PT . In fact she is really there just to help you incase you get into trouble , not to help you do the work . The PT student finished last week . Your PT felt lucky to have a good student who helped her do so much more . Today , you have the PT to yourself . She tells you that your transfers are getting better and better . Your next trick was to stand between the parallel bars without assistance . You stood and your PT counted out aloud the seconds . She got to 60 … twice and said " That 's good , I know you can do more . " You teased her and suggested that we buy her a watch . She smiles and says she prefers to count because she counts like a ' real Canadian ' . . . the counting continues as she sucks her breath in . The two of you makPosted by If the children got up early this morning , I promised them a swim in the pool . Lenore 's apartment has a small pool and the children love it . They would spend hours in it if they could . They have quite a complicated game to do with dolphins and seahorses and other magnificent sea creatures that they can communicate with in the pool if a special spell is said . They were playing happily then suddenly Quinn becomes sad . He and Tara were playing and he pulled on Tara 's ear lobe . The ' I 'm sad and I don 't know why ' sign . He gets out of the pool while Tara puts the sea creatures to bed . I suspected that it had something to do with your dialogues from yesterday . Your doubts about being a good Daddy . Quinn sits on my knee and we talk . We talk about the conscious and subconscious mind and the possibility that sometimes when one feels really sad and don 't know why ; it 's because the subconscious mind is worried . " Your subconscious mind may send you messages in your sleep in the form of dreams or it may just make you feel sad for no apparent reason . " I suggested . Quinn thought that I might be right but he was still in an ' ear lobe pulling ' mood . As we pull into the NSRC and unload the car , Quinn 's gray skies brightened a bit and he said in a hopeful voice . " I know what we can do today . " By the sound of his voice , I thought he was going to say go to the circus , or Sea World or Disneyland . But he didn 't . He said , " Maybe we can get Daddy walking again today . " Oh boy , I didn 't know what to say to this . " Some day Quinny , Someday Daddy will walk again . " You start talking again about how you don 't know how you will be a father to the children . You can 't imagine what life will look like once you are home . I have a hard time imagining this too but for different reasons . You restate that the children don 't need you because I 'm doing such a great job . Frustrated with your line of thinking , I cry out " I am not two people . I have hardly read to Quinn at all this year and I can rarely find timePosted by Tara and I didn 't sleep well . Poor Tara was feeling sick . Finally after being restless with a headache , puking and fainting , she felt better . Fifth 's disease is going around the class . There was no rash , but I 'm watching her closely . On the way to the hospital I stop into a drugstore . We go some children 's tylenol and I found some elastic laces ! I had been looking for elastic laces . Your OT wanted me to get some . I had never heard of them . I imagined them to be elastic but I thought that there as possibly more to them . I thought that I would have to make them from elastic from the fabric store . There they were , on an end display shelf , like they were a hot item that was in great demand . Black elastic laces . Just elastic laces … no fancy tying device … just the lace … for $ 6 . I felt a little ripped off paying $ 6 for two strands of black elastic , but at least it is off my ' to do ' list . We install the elastics in your shoes . They are great . You can slip off your running shoes easily but they still feel snug on your feet . I make a mental note to still go to the fabric store and get more elastic . Maybe I still go to the fabric store and get different coloured elastic lace like material for all our running shoes ! We try to decide how to spend our family time for the weekend . At the nurse 's suggestion , we practiced some car transfers in the parking lot . " It 's good to practice . " She said " In case you get stuck then you can call up for some help while you are still here . " You talk me through how to be the best help and we practice several times . You make it easy . Based on the successful transfers , we decide to go see ' Avatar ' . The nurses think that it 's too a long movie and you would get tired . You and I look at the children and realize that we can 't disappoint them . They have wanted to see the movie . You smile a daddy - smile and said " Let 's go to Avatar ! " We ate lunch and filled out our Post - it notes for Valentines day . Tara helps you get organized for yours and I help Quinn with Posted by It seems that I looked forward to the weekend , all week long . Now it 's here , I 'm worn out . Today wasn 't especially busy at work . Just steady and low pressure . I was itching to finish . Not because I didn 't enjoy the day at work . I did . Because , I knew the rest of the day would be a race . A race to walk home with Annie . A race to check email to make sure we had a place to stay . A race to pack . Pack for the children , pack for me , pack food . Collect Annie 's things for her stay over at Juanita 's . Collect the things I wanted to show you this weekend . Feed the fish and feed the cats . Pick up Quinn and drop off Annie and then pick up Tara . I tried to get this all done by 6 pm . It was a race but we did it . The roads were wet and it was hovering about minus 3 . I decided that slow and steady was the best approach . After an emergency bathroom break for Quinn , we finally limped past the finishline at almost 8 pm and now I 'm tired . Earlier today , on the way home with Annie , I got a call from the psychiatrist 's student . They had a good interview with you and felt there was some level of depression . It seems the art of psychiatry is knowing what depression is appropriate and what isn 't . The very question I have been asking myself since early November . I feel a little frustrated that it 's taken this long to get a professional opinion . The student also mentioned your broken social filter . I don 't see it the same way . It is a much - improved filter since your Truro days . I have not been present when any of the ' inappropriate language ' has occurred . So I couldn 't comment on it other then to say that I felt that it 's improved a lot and before your stroke your sense of humor was very dry and always had a little edge to it . Some might have said that you challenged social barriers before your stroke . We both agreed that you are more talkative then ever and I shared my joy at this . " He needs coping strategies for all the stress that is being thrown his way . " I am worried that he may find another addiction toPosted by In the world of rehabilitation the word ' Never ' has no place . ' Never ' is so strong a word it removes all hope . When hope goes , it takes with it one 's will , determination and motivation . Without these essential ingredients , rehabilitation is not possible . Doctors can say ' Never ' when referring to other things like smoking , drinking or any self - destructive behaviour . But they should NEVER utter the words ' Never ' to patients . Especially brain injured patients . I started to read the ' Stronger after Stroke - Your Roadmap to Recovery ' book tonight while at Chella 's waiting for Tara and Quinn 's piano lessons . As with any book I read , I read the last part first . The index . I looked of key words that were used in reference to your stroke . Hemiparetic , shoulder - hand pain , neglect , neuropathic pain . I got some hits and some misses . I decided it would be simpler to just start the book from the beginning . It has a great beginning . In the preface , the author talks about the ' super - surviver ' . A " super - survivor is so unwilling to let go of their career , their independence , or a personal passion that they are compelled to recover . They intertwine recovery with what they love to do . Sometimes recovery is so much part of what they love doing that they don 't even notice they 're recovering ! " " For super - survivor , recovery is a vision quest . The challenge of recovery is no different then the other challenges that they have conquered in life . They get on with it . They put in the time . They fall in love with the process . In much the same way athletes and musicians enjoy practice , stroke survivors who recover see the process of recovery as an opportunity for growth . " The preface goes on about neuroplasticity , and how motivation is a very big part of drives the neuroplasticity . " While the idea of ' practice makes perfect ' is simple , how to practice is more complicated . This book defines the time needed to drive neuroplastic change . " WOW , this grabbed my attention . As I listen to the music leaPosted by As I predicted , I didn 't sleep well . That 's the first night I sleep poorly in a long time . I think that not talking to you last night had something to do with it . To remedy this I called you first thing in the morning . You are down again . You missed our nightly phone call too . " I can 't drive - it was the one thing I could do - Not being able to do one simple thing makes me more useless and hate myself more . " You felt that you got ' in trouble ' yesterday . You sounded like a child telling me that the teacher doesn 't like you . On a couple of occasions apparently you used ' inappropriate language ' . At least that 's what you were told . You feel hurt that you might have offended some of the staff . My first instinct is anger . What do they expect ? In the last two weeks , they have told you all the things you can 't do and expect you , a brain injured patient , to take the news graciously ? They are professional health care workers - suck it up - you are an amateur patient . I wanted to scream . Then I collect my thoughts . I reminded you about your days at the Truro hospital when your verbal filter was really broken . I reminded you how the staff patiently and kindly made you stop the talk . Fran and you even worked out a code word that helped remind you that you were conversing up the wrong tree . ' Peppermint . ' It is a very appropriate word for you . You hate peppermint . The smell of it makes you nauseated . Just the sound of the word is almost as bad . It was and is a very good reminder … a good warning . I explain to you what I understand about the loss of social filters being a common occurrence with an injured brain . The staff at the NSRC are merely trying to re - teach you appropriate social boundaries . Boundaries that you had before your stroke . They are not mad at you . They are trying to make you better . You felt much better hearing this explanation . You did a car transfer yesterday ! It went well . You felt it was fairly easy . You did it with a male OT . You put your arm around his neck and hugged hPosted by |
It was just about 12 years and 9 months ago that we moved into a new house . It was a three - bedroom home and we only had one son at the time . So , we thought what better use of a third bedroom than a new baby ? The best I can say for this thought process was at least it was a planned pregnancy , even if born of odd reasoning . For the last two weeks of December 1995 , I was so sick that I spent most of my days and nights in bed . My health insurance didn 't kick in until January 1st . So , on New Year 's Eve , a couple of hours before the clock struck 12 , I went to the Emergency Room . The doctors decided that I was suffering an enlarged gall bladder and planned on whisking me into surgery to remove it . It was during the pre - op bloodwork that we discovered I was pregnant , and since the gall bladder wasn 't " THAT " inflamed , it was more than likely the pregnancy that was making me sick and than the gall bladder . During the pregnany I craved Ellio 's frozen cheese pizza . It reminded me a lot of school pizza . Your baby room was originally called " The Ugly Room . " It was a 60 's meld of mustard yellow and olive green . We scraped off the ancient wallpaper and painted the walls white and the trim yellow . Then , I sponge painted a stream of pastel - colored stars across the middle of each wall . Your sonograms never revealed whether you were a boy or girl . So , I wanted a baby room that could be for either . Close to your Due Date , in the early morning hours , the meconium sac broke . I was at the hopsital before heavy contractions started . A student nurse tried to tell me that I wasn 't dilated enough to be in labor , but I knew otherwise . The doctors were concerned about you aspirating ( choking ) because of the ruptured sack . So , I had to push out your head and then wait while they suctioned you . When you finally emerged to the world , the Respiratory Tech team whisked you away to make sure your lungs were clean and healthy . The next day we discovered you had 3 holes in your heart - septal valve and mitral valve defects . Thankfully , each had closed naturally by the time you were 6 months old . There were some residual effects . You developed slower than the other children in your early years . You have always been one of the smallest in your class . You did not start to walk until you were almost two years old . We were at Mom - Mom 's house one afternoon . You were sitting in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn . Someone knocked on the back door and you just got up and walked into the kitchen as if you had been walking all along , when in fact you had never taken a step alone before . The story is pretty much the same when it comes to reading . One day , you just sat down and read a book to me - Dr . Suess , Fox in Socks - when we didn 't even know yet that you could read more than a few words . You are now officially a pre - teen . This will be your first year in Middle School . You have reached the point in life where decisions are being made that will mold your future . Where did time go ? I regret not taking more pictures , not recording more memories . Everyone tells you that these years will fly by too fast and then you discover that 's not just a cliche . You are my loving child , always available for a hug or kiss . You have understood the supreme art of sarcasm from a very young age . You are my baby . Happy Birthday . Tonight the boys and I went to the county fair . It lasts for a week , but at $ 6 a head for admission fee , I typically pick just one night to attend . As tonight , I most often choose the night of the Queen 's pageant . It 's not a very big fair . There is prize - winning produce and baby rabbits to examine as well as a scarecrow contest and various other exhibits to peruse . Mostly though , it is one of those occasions that is the pinnacle to defining my life in Southampton County . It 's high school lunch room psychology magnified to an adult scale . I was not dressed for the occasion . One might ask what dress is required for such an occasion - overalls and mud - slinging boots ? No , the women of Southampton County are a sophisticated sort . On a typical day , the clothes they wear are quite average : jeans or khakis and a basic - colored plain shirt . It 's the whole picture that comes together nicely : the jewelry , the professional pedicure peeking from their cute flops , the perfected make - up , and of course , the hair . The perfect hair . Some combination of gel and mousse and Crazy Glue to make each layer stand on it 's own , separated from its companions . It 's like a perfect meld of an updated late 80 's big - hair - shag without quite hitting Dolly Parton standards . Overall , they look " pulled together " . That very " pulled together " has always been what has eluded me . Most of these women have grown up in this little county and can sketch out the family tree that connects them all by heart . I , on the other hand , have only lived here 6 years , and spent the first 2 years commuting two hours daily to finish my English degree . Although I think most people " know " me , I don 't really feel like I belong , and I don 't think I ever will . I never learned the art of making friends . I have gone through most of my life with one good friend . That friend has usually been someone at school or at work ( often a fellow outcast ) , and then I graduated or changed jobs and lost contact . I wish I had a larger social network , but I really don 't know how to go about getting it . One of the toughest parts of Jason 's deployments have been the solitude . Living over an hour from base has always separated me from getting to know other Navy wives , which has rarely proven to be a bad thing . Today was the 8th Annual Healthnet Mud Run . It is a 5 mile obstacle course that is used in the training of Navy Seals . Mostly , it involves running through sand , but there are also hills to climb , water to cross , and mud pits to crawl . Today , Justin competed for the first time . His Finish Time was 49 : 31 . He came in 14 of his bracket , 19 & under males . He came in 112th overall of 1 , 737 runners . I 'm really proud of him . My goal for him was simply to cross the finish line still running . He did that and much more . This photo is 100 meters from the finish line . Notice that he is smiling ? There was also a MiniMud Run for children 12 and under . Cameron competed against the 9 - 12 year olds . He came in 17th overall , within the first quarter of runners . It was a one - mile run through sand with a couple of obstacles . He went into it with an awesome attitude . He asked me , " What if I don 't know which way to turn ? " I replied , " Follow the others " . He said , " But , what if I am in first ? " and I replied , " Then lead the way . " He started out strong . He was in first place after the first obstacle of crawling under mesh netting . However , running through the sand eventually kicked his butt . I could tell he was disappointed with himself . Near the finish line , as he was passing me , he walked a few steps , and then ran through the finish . He wants to be as awesome as his big brother is at running . He doesn 't take into consideration any difference in age , size or experience between the two of them . I wanted to be encouraging to him when he finished , but he had such a negative attitude because he thought he did badly , that I avoided saying all the things that I know I should have . I will have to try to amend that tomorrow as I give him copies of the pics to show his friends at church . My most dreaded time of the week is Sunday night . On Sunday nights , I lament all the tasks that did not get checked off my " To Do List " for the weekend and I stress about all that the upcoming week beholds . There are less than two weeks left before I return to school . I have a feeling that next week is going to be like one long Sunday night . I feel as if I have had no Summer Vacation at all . The first three weeks post - school year were spent teaching Summer School . Then , there was only a three week window until I had to drive Justin up to the high school every day for Cross Country practice . Midway into the first week , we had the death and I had to go back home for a week . Then , through the next week , Jason was home for the unexpected leave . I 'm not trying to say that it is no vacation with Jason here . It 's just that Jason 's catch phrase is " What 's the plan ? " I very well may have that engraved on his tombstone one day . Every day after school , when I call him or he calls me , that 's what he asks - a question that 's supposed to encompass what 's for dinner , what do the boys have to do that night , what do I have to do , what comes on television even . When he asks me said question , even though I have come to perfectly expect it , I rarely have an answer . I cannot even think about the upcoming evening until I am in my car leaving the school grounds . During this past week he was home that was a daily , and more often more than daily question . Again , I rarely had answer . Like a hippie , I just wanted to " be , man , like , chill dude " . . . ok , a Surfer Hippie . On one of the first days were were back from Maryland , he laid down on the bed with a clipboard and mapped out the week with all that we needed and wanted to do . Ok , ok , twist my arm and I will admit this make perfectly logical sense . However , my insensible erratic mind wanted nothing to do with it . This is vacation . I don 't want schedules . I want . . . whatever . I don 't want to plan to do something and then be committed to doing it when I wake up and have changed my mind for the day . Now , Jason is gone and Cross Country practice has started . Practice only lasts about an hour , but it limits what we can do out of town . . . and , EVERYTHING to do is " out of town " . Today the boys and I went to Water Country . I think I went to my first water park ( this one , the only one I have been to ) about three years ago . I was scared of water rides . I went on a few with the " fam " that day and realized " fear " wasn 't really what I was going to need to be worried about because SIZE was going to be a much bigger issue ( no pun intended ) . It was exhausting to walk up those long flights of stairs to reach the starting point of a water slide . I was winded . My legs and feet hurt , probably back too , but I don 't remember . Then there was the fact that I weighed too much to make the tubes float as there were supposed to . I 'm pretty sure a low water supply was of equal culprit on the slide that struggled to churn and spit us out . However , after that I was paranoid about how I looked getting into the tubes and if the tubes would go down the chute once I was in them . I haven 't been on a water ride since that first day . Thankfully , there are other attractions at the water park that I find entertaining , so it is not a total act of martyrdom to take the boys there . I wasn 't in the mood for those attractions today . I mostly lounged and engaged in other activities . First , there 's my favorite water park game - " Is she bigger than me ? " Thankfully , a few targets passed the test , not many . That environment makes me simultaneously feel okay and feel mortified by my body in alternating moments . I look at others and ponder if ill - fitting or poorly chosen bathing suits are a sign of a good self - image or a bad one . Such places also make me mourn the loss modesty of teenage girls and question what could some people possibly have been thinking when they got their tattoo . I did try to be semi - productive during my poolside lounging . I took a notebook and pens with me . ( What , " normal " people don 't carry school supplies to water parks ? ) I tried to make an overall To - Do List for the next two weeks , but that grew LONG and stressful . So , I decided to minimize the task and concentrate just on what needs to be done to the hall bTo get to Williamsburg , where Busch Gardens and the water park are located , we can go highway or we can go backroads and across the ferry . Usually , we go backroads . The highway route is confusing and easily messed up when backrouting to come home , although I am convinced it still saves time . Tonight we pulled up to the ferry just as they lifted the ramp . I was PEEVED ! They surely saw two cars coming down the path ! " Dukes of Hazzard " scenes of jumping the ramp flashed through the recesses of my mind . The ferry is on a schedule on weeknights where it waits on each side of the ferry 30 minutes while it waits for passengers . So , we had to wait the full 30 minutes as it parked on the other side of the James River and then we had to wait on the ferry the full 30 minutes while it waited on our side . So , it took a full hour to take a less than 10 - minute ferry ride . Between that and the steering - wheel - clenched - lookout for deer on the backroad , I think I am going to start figuring out the highway route , where however long it may be , at least it 's a definite ( as definite as such things can be , a least ) . On Friday , July 11th , Summer School ended . On Wednesday , July 13th , mid - first - week - of - summer - vacation , I was in the car with the boys . We had just left the post office from mailing the Sailor a care package and were on the way to a friend 's house so I could help her with a research paper for the summer college class she was taking . The boys were in their swimming trunks because they were going to play in the pool as I tried to parlay the intricacies of MLA format documentation . My cell rang , and pretty sure it was the friend 's house we were heading to , I had the Justin dig it out of my purse . The caller ID said " Maryland , " which met that it was my mother . I have a hard time attributing the loving title of " Mother " to her , so defining her by location rather than relation was an easier way to deal with the incoming calls . We played the usual game of making the boys answer the phone and then refusing to take the phone when Justin said she wanted to talk to me . . . still reluctant to give in when Justin said she was crying and something was wrong . Richard , the man with whom she had lived for 18 years , died that morning while mowing the lawn . He was in his early 50 's and had a slew of medical problems for which he did not have the health insurance to address . So , while it obviously wasn 't expected , in retrospect , I can 't exactly say it was a surprise . He moved into my mother 's house after I moved out , so I had no real relationship with the man . However , my boys loved him and saw him as a grandfather figure , which in our nonexistent extended family structure is a pretty big deal . We came home and loaded up the car with clothes and the dog and headed to Maryland , about a 3 hour drive . Richard had a living brother and sister , however , my mother was the beneficiary of his barely enough ( but thankfully existent ) life insurance policies , so the details for handling the funeral and burial were left to her . . . which is to say they were left to me . My mother is for the most part deaf . Without her hearing aid she can hear nothing , with it she can hear better , but not well , I think . She has a 6th grade education , and I think school was a struggle for her even up to that point . At 56 , she has been on disability for almost 20 years for being so overweight that her spine cannot support the mass . For these reasons , many people pity my mother . I , however , know that in addition to these traits and issues and much more prominent , is the fact that she is simply MEAN . Seriously . . . mean . She thrives on the pain , downfalls , and embarrassment of others . Therefore , from the onset I correctly surmised that a small part of her would revel in the attention she received from Richard 's death . For all intents and purposes , she was the mourning widow . I was only wrong in assuming too small of a degree to which she would enjoy the attention . It took death for me to appreciate the man Richard was . That is so cliche , I know , and I hate that I fell into that role . Richard could not hold a job . I cannot begin to estimate the number of jobs that he had in the 18 years I knew him . It is without doubt that I guess the number of jobs he held outnumbered the years I knew him . Every time I talked to him , a new job was the topic . There were actually a couple of companies that would he would quit and get rehired by a few times , which always seemed strange to me . He was always looking for a handout . He owed everyone money - family , friend , neighbor , and more . On more than one occasion I avoided visiting them because it would cost me . The boys liked going there for a week or two in the summer , which was also a good break for me . I would send them with $ 100 to help pay for food while they were there , and then get a call at the end of the week that it wasn 't enough , and he needed $ 50 more . So , these were the basis of my opinions of Richard over the past 18 years . He was a freeloader that couldn 't keep a job and always had his hand out . At the funeral , thanks to the speeches of the minister and a family friend , I was able to inherit a different legacy by which to remember Richard . For that I am thankful . Some of the things I knew and overlooked , others I learned for the first time . Even in their mid - 50 's , he an my mother were the " young couple " in the neighborhood that is still inhabited mostly by the first - time home owners . So a lot of old ladies needed a lot of favors . Richard was there to cut their grass or run their errands . Yes , perhaps he did this for a price , perhaps not in some cases , but they still seemed grateful . I also learned that on many occassions , he simply visited them to talk and drink coffee . Eerily , several of them said he talked in the days preceeding his death about knowing that " his time was coming soon " and he was worried about how my mother would fare without him . Also , I have had the freedom during the entire 18 years of my adult life to pick and choose when I dealt with my mother . Richard was there to care for her when she was bedridden following back surgery and , unfortunately take the brunt of her cruelty . She called his jobs to check up on him , yelled at him in private and public , and tried to better herself by embarrassing him before other people . He filled the void of victim left in her life when I moved out . I had not considered these things before . I did not recognize how much his mere presence from afar made my life easier for nearly two decades . He also loved my boys . When Mother cleaned out his wallet , there were several pictures of my boys in there , but not even his own kids ( which he didn 't have a relationship with ) . Most people we spoke with and even the speakers at the funeral talked about how important the boys were to him . I am an only child . My mother 's neverending tendency to only regard people as a source of favors and pity has led to her family estranging her , and thus , me . So , I have no family outside of my home and weak relationships with in - laws . Richard was a strong member of our family even thoThe Navy sent Jason home for two weeks to help with affairs . I am glad he was with me for the week I was in Maryland . He created a buffer between my mother and I that allowed me to act civil towards her , for the most part . He also helped me to think through the financial situation she has put herself in and stopped me from making some guilty open - purse decisions that would have proved disastrous for us in the end . I am glad he was there for the boys , who didn 't really get smacked with the reality of the situation until the coffin was before them . I 'm glad he was there to help with funeral arrangements so I couldn 't later be blamed for making the only decisions possible ( such as closed casket ) with the amount of life insurance left . I am glad he stepped in to talk to the relatives that wanted to tell me Richard owed them money and make suggestins about my mother 's financial situation . And too , I am glad he was there to see my Mother as she " really " is and never believed , by me , to be . In light of the reason he was stateside , we had a good time while more or less " vacationing " in my hometown . We connected in a way that we had not in a long time . The following week , back home and to reality though , things fell into their old routine . I felt robbed . I wanted the spark we had while staying out of town in a hotel for a week . He said it was unfair to compare the two . But , I think there has to be a compromise . I dropped him off at the airport today and he should be in a plane somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean as I type this heading back to his ship for four more months . In that time , I need to figure out some ways to keep that " spark " in our everyday lives . Married to Jason ( retired Sailor and full - time college student ) . I have about 193 kids . My Three Suns are Justin ( 21 ) , Cameron ( 17 ) , and that unexpected bundle of tireless energy - Benjamin ( 4 ) . I average 90 students each semester in my high school English classes and just over 100 Key Clubbers in the group I advise . This is what keeps me busy . . . I tend to ramble on endlessly , making a short story long and a long story confusing . After many winding paths in life , I am finally living a dream deferred . I 'm not expecting life to be a fairy tale , or even posess an engaging plot line . I only strive to recognize and appreciate the pockets of happiness I am given . |
This is Chapter 2 from Volume 1 of the Toradora ! Light Novel series . The original text is from Baka - tsuki , but the edited version present on this Wiki is from Live Journal . My reputation as a delinquent was quickly straightened out in my own class . I 'd like to think it 's because I 'm in the same class as some other students as last year , like Kitamura , but it 's obvious that my un - delinquent - like behaviour when I bumped into Aisaka Taiga , the Palmtop Tiger , played an even bigger role . Maybe I should thank her . When we drew lots for seating arrangements I also lucked out and got a seat right beside the window where I could look out at the calming blue sky or feel the warmth of the sun 's light . I also had Koigakubo Yuri as my homeroom teacher who I knew from last year . She 's a decent teacher though it 's fairly obvious to a lot of us students that she worries about being single at her age - twenty nine , some of the students whisper . I didn 't want to be obvious , especially with Aisaka right there , so I was resting my chin on my hand and looking ahead , concentrating on not staring at Kushieda . I was concentrating on keeping myself under control so hard that I lost track of her conversation . What was she talking about again ? Jelly ? I couldn 't help but turn my head slightly to look at Kushieda . She was in the middle of gesturing and pantomiming something . From any other angle , it probably looked as if she was pantomiming tipping over a bucket . From my point of view behind her , it looked as if she was pantomiming hitting me in the face with an elbow . Actually hitting me in the face with her elbow probably rules out the use of the word pantomime though . I jerked my head back as the corner of her elbow hit me . She quickly turned around , " Takasu - kun ! I 'm sorry ! Are you alright ? I didn 't notice you behind me ! I didn 't hit you in the eye did I ? " I blinked a few times and used a hand to cover the side of my face . I faked rubbing my cheek but I was really hiding a blush while I blurted , " Don 't worry about it . It 's nothing . " " Oh , good ! I 'm glad you 're okay , " I heard genuine relief in her voice as she smiled and turned back to Aisaka . " Where was I ? Oh , right , you 've got to pour the jelly in slowly like this . " She pantomimed again . This time I yelped slightly while jerking my head back , I wasn 't expecting to be hit again . Kushieda turned around and began apologizing . Again . " I hit you again ! I 'm sorry ! I 'm so sorry ! " she said as she bowed her head with each apology . Her hair fluttered as she dropped and raised her head . I could smell the sweet scent of her shampoo . I wouldn 't mind getting hit in the face a few more times . I tried to smile and waved her apologies away but I couldn 't help feeling a little confused . What 's this bucket she 's talking about ? I must have had a puzzled look on my face . " Hm ? You look confused , Takasu - kun , " she said with her eyes on me . " Is something wrong ? " " Erm , " with her attention on me I couldn 't help but stammer . I had to pause before completely organizing what I wanted to ask in my head . " Bucket ? " I was bedazzled . I marveled at how she could take pleasure and joy in the simple things in life . I also then realized that the two of us were having a conversation ! My heart started pounding , my limbs stiffened . Damn ! I 'm seizing up ! What do I say now ? ! I probably have a dumb look on my face right now , too . " Ah . . . " Was all I could muster from my throat which felt swollen and parched at the same time . She must think I 'm a boring and lifeless guy . My mind raced as I tried to think of more to say but she beat me to it . " The pudding I made didn 't turn out too great , " she continued with a smile . " Maybe because it was too much , it didn 't look as if it mixed right . Oh , but I can show it to you instead ! " I suddenly felt like running away . What do I do when a girl gives me pudding ? Should I eat it ? It 's not lunch time . Should I hold it for later or eat it right away ? As Kushieda came back , I couldn 't help but drop my head a little but she just kept on smiling with her head tilted slightly , " Here you go , Takasu - kun . " Right ! I 'll eat it right away and tell her how amazing it was ! I lifted my head and raised a hand to accept the pudding politely . She placed some photos in my hand which confused me at first but quickly simplified things . " Oh . . . Uhm , great shots . . . " " It looks a gross , doesn 't it ? " It sort of did but at the same time it was mind blowing : there was just so much of it ! The bucket was on a plastic mat on the floor and inside was a light yellowish cream that looked like slime . I didn 't want say that however so I looked at the next photo which showed the same bucket being emptied out into another bucket . The mat was a lot messier in this second photo . Kushieda continued , " It smelled strange , too . Maybe because I didn 't wash the bucket thoroughly . " I still couldn 't think of anything positive to say so I looked at the third and final photo . I froze up instantly . The bucket was there in the photo . The slime was there . What had seized my attention , however , was Kushieda sitting beside the bucket , holding a spoonful of the stuff with some of it spilled onto her nose . I was looking at a picture of an angel at play . " Oh , I should go show these to Taiga - huh , where 'd she go ? She was right here , " Kushieda looked around as she took the photos back then moved on in her usual excited steps . " Thanks for looking , Takasu - kun ! " Aisaka Taiga , eh ? I watched Kushieda as she left and felt a dread come over me . I was lucky that I was in the same class as Kushieda , I didn 't have to sneak past opened classroom doors to catch a glimpse of her smile . But despite being so close to Kushieda now , I had a feeling that Aisaka was going to come between us . The two of them spent nearly all of their time together after all . Today I was in charge of classroom duties so I had to help the last period teacher with some paper work . I did the work so thoroughly that when I finished the sunlight entering through the windows had a soft orange - pink tint . I had left my bag in the classroom so I made my way back quickly . I opened the classroom door but quickly stumbled back a few steps as a loud explosion erupted in the room . A bunch of chairs and desks went flying through the air . A small figure , silhouetted by the light of the low sun coming in through the windows , dashed through the flying debris and hurled itself into a cabinet in the corner of the room . By the time the noise of the chairs and desks crashing into the ground faded away , my feet were rooted to the floor in terror . I recalled the image in my mind and picked out the petite figure ; long hair ; and fluttering skirt from my memory . There was only one person who fit that description : it was the Palmtop Tiger . And for some reason she was hiding - rather poorly - inside the cabinet that held the classroom cleaning supplies . What do I do now ? I had no choice , I 'll just pretend I didn 't see anything . I can 't go home without my bag or the homework in it . Trying to keep my steps as quiet as possible , I took a few steps inside the classroom towards my desk . " Ah ! " A shout came from the cabinet . It tilted and I could only watch in shock as it crashed to the floor , throwing its door wide open . Aisaka Taiga was curled up into a ball with her arms wrapped around her knees pulled tightly against her chest . Because she was curled up into a ball , she rolled out of the cabinet , down its open door , and onto the ground . She came to a stop right in front of me . Despite where she was now , she remained tightly curled up and merely glared at me with her eyes . Now that she was just over a meter away from me , I figured I might as well abandon all pretense of pretending she wasn 't there . " Are you . . . okay ? " Aisaka finally began to uncurl her body and push herself to her feet but she continued to glare at me quietly . I took her silence to mean that she was just fine . I said out loud , " Ah , yeah , my bag , " and continued walking to my desk . It only took a few seconds but it felt like an eternity with Aisaka watching me silently . She was like a tiger watching its prey from the edge of a clearing in the tall grass . I tried my best to ignore her and focused on my desk . Oh , right , I had brought my bag over to Kitamura 's desk when I went to chat with him before going to take care of the classroom duties . It looked as if Kitamura was staying late somewhere around the school too as his own bag was hanging off a hook at the side of his desk . I made a turn towards Kitamura 's desk and was nearly bowled over from the sheer force of a loud , terrifying scream . After regaining my balance , I turned around and looked to Aisaka . She had a look of rage - no , wait , surprise ? frustration ? - - on her face . " W - what is it ? " I asked , dumbfounded . Why was she yelling at me ? ! I uttered back , " My bag . . . ! I 'm just getting my bag ! Huh , are you alright ? You 're starting to look a little . . . " I couldn 't think of a word to describe her expression , it had transformed into a mix of anguish and despair . " Y - your bag ? ! " she yelled some more , her voice cracking . Now she was just stuttering incoherently . " But your desk - over there ! W - w - why is your bag th - th - th - there ? ! " " I was talking to Kitamura when I got called for class du - ! " My explanation was cut short as I quickly scrambled back . Aisaka - who was standing at the opposite end of the room - had suddenly closed the distance between the two of us and dug her fingers into my bag . She was trying to tear it away from me and it felt as if my arms were going to pop from their sockets . How is that small body of hers so quick and power ? ! I had no idea what was going on . The situation was just too much and I couldn 't think of what to do . As the two of us struggled over my bag , I caught a glimpse of her face distorted in frustration and what was now definitely rage - she looked like a demon . " Give it to you ? ! Quit messing around ! " I should 've worried about my own health , however , as Aisaka suddenly redoubled her efforts and tightened her grip on the bag . I felt both my hold and my footing slip , " Stop ! We 're just going to hurt ourse - " I moaned as I dropped my bag in my lap and rubbed the back of my head . I looked up at Aisaka through tear - filled eyes . " That hurt ! What the hell were you doing ? ! It feels like I cracked my head open ! " She sneezed again , much more quietly this time , then sniffled . Suddenly , she collapsed to the ground between the desks . " Ai - Aisaka ? You alright ? " I called out but got no response . She was curled up again and her hair was a tangled mess around her . " You look sick . Are you anemic ? Here , I 'll help you up . " The sight of her pale face , quivering lips , and sweating forehead erased the terrifying images that I had witnessed earlier . I reached out a hand but felt ice bite into my hand when she slapped it away . Trembling , she grabbed onto a desk and pulled herself up . She was so frazzled she didn 't bother pulling her skirt down when it rolled up as she struggled to her feet , revealing tiny and smooth thighs . She began to walk off with a wobble in her step . " Aisaka , seriously , are you alright ? " I was being nosy I guess , but she really did look horrible . I got up and took a few steps after her but stopped suddenly . " Stay away from me ! " That sounded more like her usual self - almost . There was something in the tone of her voice that seemed off . It sounded as if the tiger was forced into a corner . Eventually Aisaka disappeared out of the door but I could hear her footsteps for a few more moments . " What a mess , " my head still ached . My bag looked like the baby from a judge Ooka Tadasuke parable : nearly torn apart by the two women claiming to be its mother . The chairs and desks in the room had been thrown into disarray . After an encounter as wild as that , I couldn 't help but clean up the mess Aisaka made . What a troublesome girl . As I cleaned , I tried to piece together what happened and why but couldn 't figure it out . By seven o ' clock my mother had left for work early with her colleagues . I ate dinner alone then went to my tatami straw matted room . I dragged out my bag with the intention of doing my homework but paused once I opened it and looked inside . There was a light - pink envelope in my bag . It looked as if it was made out of fancy washi tissue paper and it was decorated with a pattern of silver cherry blossoms . In light - blue ink To Kitamura - kun was written on the front . I flipped the envelope over , From Aisaka Taiga . I spent a lot of time writing this . If this troubles you please throw it away at once ! I never thought Aisaka had the word please in her vocabulary . Of course , her writing a love letter to Kitamura was even more unexpected . She had obviously put the letter in the wrong bag and that explained why she tried to tear it away from me . What was I going to do with it ? I held out the letter to nobody in front of me and rehearsed giving it to Aisaka . " You stuck this in my bag my mistake , right ? Here . I didn 't read it . " Somehow I didn 't think she would believe me . But what else could I do ? She would think that I 've seen this letter by now . The best I can hope for is that she believes me when I tell her I didn 't open it . I slipped the envelope back into my bag but then I heard something tear . Oh no . I pulled the envelope back out . Aisaka didn 't properly seal it , a loose part of the opening flap caught on something in my bag and forced the entire thing open . In a panic I rummaged through the drawers of my desk till I found some glue . I set the envelope on my desk and was about to apply some glue to the opened flap with a shaking hand when I suddenly realized there was something very odd about this love letter . There wasn 't one . With a confused frown , I slipped a finger inside the envelope , opened it wide , and looked inside . It was empty . I collapsed on my desk ; all of that panicking for nothing . Aisaka Taiga , you hopelessly idiot . Hiding in the classroom cabinet , rolling out in front of me , getting the wrong bag , nearly destroying it , sneezing , fainting . All that just to get back an empty envelope . In the end , I glued the envelope closed . I didn 't need her thinking I opened it on purpose . I 'll have to be careful not to laugh when I hand this back to her or else the Palmtop Tiger might eat me alive . The cloak read 2 : 00 AM . Why was I awake ? I was dreaming . Did something in my dream wake me ? Or did some loud noise ? I went to bed in my boxers and a t - shirt but it was the middle of April and not unbearably cold . In fact , I had left the window in the living room partly open to let the cool night air circulate throughout the house . Ever since the luxury apartment building was built opposite the window , I had become a little lax with security even through there wasn 't anything worth stealing in my house . Maybe that was it . I climbed out of bed with a yawn and made my way to the living room . I closed the window and locked it , but for some reason , this made me feel even stranger . My heart started beating quickly . It felt as if someone was watching me . I looked around the living room but saw nothing . The phone display wasn 't lit up , there weren 't any calls from the bar my mother worked at . I was worrying to much . Maybe I just needed to go the bathroom . I might as well now that I 'm awake . I took a few steps towards the bathroom when I heard something behind me . I tried to jerk around but my footing slipped . As I fell to the ground , I saw a shadow slashed through the air where my head was a few moments ago . The thin shadow continued its swing till it hit a bookshelf against the wall . A few books tumbled to the ground but I was more worried about hearing the sound of wood cracking . What the hell ? ! Please tell me this is a dream ! Wake up , Ryuuji , wake up damn it ! No , I was already a wake . Landing on the ground suddenly was pretty painful . There was somebody in my home and whoever it was raised the dark , long shadow it had swung at me and came at me again . I rolled away and dodged another slash as I looked around the dark living room frantically . What do I do ? ! Call the police ? The phone was on the other side ! I made a dash for the phone but quickly realized that my attacker was much faster than me . Instead , I turned around just in time to see the shadowy figure swing downwards . I raised my hands above my head and hoped for the best . Whatever the attacker was swinging smacked into my opened hands , stinging pain ran down my arms . Whatever it was didn 't lop off my hands though , so I did my best to ignore the pain and grip the weapon with my bare hands . Realizing this , the attacker shoved forward . The two of us held onto the weapon and struggled back and forth . We struggled past the window and for a brief second moonlight beamed down onto my attacker . Again ? ! I was so shocked and distracted that she managed to get a better grip on the weapon . She almost tore it out of my hands when she suddenly went slack . The weapon was ripped from my hands as she stumbled backwards to the ground with a cry . I quickly regained my balance and groped the light switch . " Aisaka ! " Aisaka 's long , light brown hair fell around her . She was wearing a loose , white dress that was separated by many layers of soft laces . The dress looked good on her small figure . The wooden sword she was clutching in her hands , however , wasn 't the best matching accessory . " G - give me the wooden sword , " I weakly demanded . I should have grabbed it as soon as she fell . I could have taken it quickly instead of going for the lights or throwing the tissue box at her . Ignoring the tissue box , she pushed herself to her feet and the two of us began circling one another around the low living room table . " Aisaka , listen , " I tried reasoning with her . " I know what you want . You want the lo - the letter back , right ? The letter you put in my bag by mistake . " Instead of calming her down like I had hoped , my words seemed to piss Aisaka off even more . She gripped the wooden tightly in her fist and lowered her body as if to lunge at me . She was like a bomb waiting to explode so I kept on talking , " I 'll give the letter back ! Please calm down . I didn 't read it ! " " Do you think you can get away by giving it back ? " she snarled . " Don 't be ridiculous . You knowing the letter exists is the problem I 've come to deal with ! " " Shit ! " I yelled as I stumbled around the room . Tears from the exhausting struggle were starting to blur my vision . " What kind of person tries to kill her own classmate ? ! " " Shut up ! " she shoved me from behind , throwing me against a sliding fusuma door . I turned to see her holding the wooden sword with both hands , ready to jam the point straight into my face . " You know about the letter and you think I can continue living ? Only death can save me from this embarrassment ! " I scrambled away . Aisaka pulled the jammed sword out of the door with a violent jerk as she spoke , " I don 't want to die yet , so I 'll kill you instead . Or erase your memories . " She glanced at her wooden sword with a dark look in her eye . " Oh , it 's possible . I just have to hit you hard enough . " " You can 't go around erasing people 's memories as you like ! " This was insane ! She was insane ! Common sense , ethics , consideration for others , she had none of these things ! She charged at me again , " I 'll rip that love letter from your memories ! " I tried to dodge again but I wasn 't as quick this time and she crashed into me . I had no choice at this point , I had to fight back . Despite her small size , she managed to push me down and pinned me to the ground with her weight but I had managed to get a grip on the wrist attached to her sword - holding hand . She started screaming and pummeling me with her free hand , " You saw it , didn 't you ? ! You saw it ! You think I 'm an idiot . . . an . . . idiot . . . " As I held her sword - hand with one hand and tried to deflect her pummeling fist with my other , I thought I felt something wet splashing my face . Through our struggling arms , I caught a glimpse of her face . Despite her fierce howling screams , her eyes were red and watery . " H - hey ! Stop ! Are you crying . . . ? " Her free fist sped past my flailing arm and landed a solid blow on my nose , causing pain to explode throughout my entire head . Her wrist pulled free of my grip . I blinked away my tears and saw her raise the wooden sword over her head , held in a reverse grip with both hands . She stabbed downwards towards my forehead . The point of the wooden sword stopped a few centimeters from my forehead . Aisaka was stiff as a board . In a soft , child - like voice she muttered , " It . . . was . . . empty . . . ? " I let out a sigh of relief , nodding and rubbing my nose where she had punched me . " It was . There was nothing inside for me to see . " It looked as if she was in complete shock so I gently began pushing her off of me . " You 're lucky Kitamura didn 't get the envelope . He wouldn 't let it slip but you 'd be the laughing stock of the school if anybody else found out . " I got a meter away from her and she was still sitting on the floor . I decided to take a chance and went to my room to grab the envelope . She hadn 't moved when I came back . I stuffed the envelope into one of her small hands , " Here , see ? " " Ah . . . " her little cherry - coloured lips parted slightly to let out silent breathe . She ripped the flap open and looked inside . Confirming there was nothing inside , she turned to towards me , her messy hair tangling around her . For a single , short moment , there was a completely blank expression on her face . Then she burst into tears . It was now my turn to be shocked . I stared with my mouth hanging as Aisaka genuinely , heart - wrenchingly cried . She wiped at her face with quivering hands but tears continued to stream down her blushing cheeks . Between sobs and ragged breathes that wracked her body , she cried , " I 'm so hopeless . . . " She continued to sob silently after uttering those words before falling completely silent . " Ai . . . Aisaka . . . ? " Instead of responding , she slowly tilted to the side and collapsed to the floor . Remembering how she nearly passed out in the classroom , I hurried to look her over . " Hey , Aisaka . Are you alright ? " She was fine . I think . She looked pale , but she was breathing . What now ? Despite what she tried to do to me , somehow calling the police to drag her away didn 't seem like the right thing to do . I gathered a few sitting cushions and blankets from around my living room and set them down in a pile beside the table . I gently picked Aisaka up - her small figure and the white dress made it seem as if I was carrying a doll in my arms - and set her down on the makeshift bed . I always like to have a batch of chopped garlic and ginger sitting in the fridge . As the frying pan warmed , I quickly cut up some onions and turnips . Once the cooking oil hit the right temperature , I tossed the rice into the pan . The turnips were mixed in right after to give the dish a clearer taste . The eggs I mixed in gave the rice a yellow colour . I added the onions and some bacon later on so that they would be sweet and not overcooked respectively . Adding in some pepper , salt , oyster sauce , and cilantro finished off the main dish . The soup was easily made by adding hot water to some onions and chicken soup base . In all , the whole meal took me fifteen minutes to cook and I even managed to clean a few of the dishes , too . I might as well make sure she enjoys it . " Aisaka . . . ? Wake up . If you want garlic , it 's here . " I gently shook her shoulder . I raised an eyebrow as drool began trailing from the corner of her mouth . I couldn 't just leave it alone so I wiped it away with a tissue . " Come on . Get up or the rice 'll get cold . " Aisaka 's eyes finally fluttered . I didn 't feel comfortable touching her when she was possibly conscious so I tugged on her dress to help her sit up . She shoved my hand away , confirming the fact that she was awake . She looked around bleary - eyed . " Eh . . . ? " then sniffed audibly . " What 's that smell ? Garlic ? " I gestured to the plate on the table . " I just told you it 's fried rice , didn 't I ? Hurry up and eat , it 'll get your blood sugar level up , " that sounded somewhat nerdy . So I added , " I don 't want you fainting again . " " I 'm not trying to do anything . You sounded starved so I made you something to eat . You were looking anemic like at school . You actually do eat every once in a while don 't you ? " I stopped myself from yelling at her ; she thinks I 'm the one doing funny things ? ! " You 're the last person to be making accusations considering you broke into my house , " I said flatly . " Hurry up and eat already . " " I don 't - " Three in the morning is not the time to be arguing . I shoved a spoonful of rice into Aisaka 's mouth mid - speech . I had to admit this was pretty brave of me , but at this point it was either getting killed by Aisaka or evicted for waking the neighbours . " Mmm ! " Aisaka pushed the spoon away . " W - what are you doing ? ! " she glared at me but continued chewing between her words . She looked like a squirrel with filled cheeks . After she swallowed , " Mmm . . . Don 't think you 'll get away with this . I 'm not done with you yet . " She grabbed the spoon from my hand . " More importantly , how 'd you know the envelope was empty ? You opened it didn 't you , you voyeuristic pervert ? " Not intentionally at least , I sighed . " It wasn 't like that ! I . . . well . . . held it up to the light , " that explanation wasn 't entirely true but I thought it was good enough . Despite that , I wasn 't even sure if she was listening to me because as I spoke , she flattened the small mound of rice on the plate with the spoon before slowly scooping some up into her little mouth . She chewed slowly at first , swallowed , then sipped some of the soup . She let out a small sigh of comfort and , surprisingly , looked like a normal girl who was simply enjoying a meal . Maybe I should bring up what I was thinking about while cooking . " Hey , Aisaka , listen to me a second . . . " she shoveled another spoonful of rice into her mouth and chewed , faster than before . " Your letter - I mean , that envelope . There 's nothing to be ashamed of . " " Eh ? Oh , sure , " I took the plate and went to the kitchen - good thing I made some extra - and came back to set down a filled plate on the table . " Like I said - " She still wasn 't listening to me . I suppose this is what you call undivided attention . But where does all the food go in that tiny body of hers ? She was intensely focused on the fried rice , as if fried rice was the only thing that existed in her world at the moment ; there was a party going in her mouth and every grain of fried rice was invited . This wasn 't going anywhere and she 's half way through the last serving of fried rice . I needed to do something drastic to get her attention . After looking around the room , I got up and made my way to the birdcage in the corner , " Hey , Aisaka , come and have a look at this . . . it 's tasty ! " Now that she was looking , I pulled the cloth from the cage . Inko - chan was sleeping inside . His face twitched as he slept ; the white of his eyes was visible since his eyelids weren 't completely shut ; his beak hanged wide open so that his tongue stuck out . Aisaka was finally distracted from the food , " Wah ! That 's disgusting ! Why 'd you show me that ? ! " " Inko - chan 's not disgusting , he 's just - " Wait , that 's not what I should be arguing about . Though considering how Aisaka reacted maybe he is a little weird ? I put the covering back over the cage . " Nevermind . Go ahead and eat , but listen to me , okay ? " Aisaka picked the spoon back up and continued eating , but slower this time . In fact , she was glaring at me while she chewed . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of , " I said as I sat back down across the table from her . I could tell - or at least , I thought - she was listening because her eyes followed me . " We 're in high school , it 's only natural there 'd be some people of the opposite gender that we like so there 's nothing wrong with writing a love letter . Don 't couples go through a lot of trouble before getting together ? " She continued eating but lifted the plate a little over her face as she did so . Now I knew for sure she was listening : she was hiding because she was feeling embarrassed . " Though , I 've never heard of any cases where the love letter is put into the wrong bag . Or the envelope itself being empty . " " It 's all your fault ! " Aisaka slammed the now empty plate onto the table and pointed the spoon at me . " You 've rambled on for some time now so let me set things straight . I hadn 't put the letter inside the bag till just before you showed up . Then I panicked and stuffed the letter in the bag by mistake - I didn 't know it was your bag . " I was going to say something back but she was glaring daggers at me . Maybe feeding her was a bad idea ? She haughtily lifted her chin and , despite being shorter , looked down her nose at me . " Takasu Ryuuji , this wouldn 't have happened if you had handed over that bag . What am I to do after something so embarrassing but beat those memories from your head like I planned ? " " Didn 't I just say there 's nothing to be ashamed of ? ! " She 's just going around in circles . I smacked my face with an open palm and held my head a moment in thought . " Alright , fine . Stay here and wait a moment . " I stood up and made my way to my room . I needed to do more than just tell her . I returned with a box filled with a bunch of different things and set them down in front of Aisaka . She tilted her head to look inside at the notebooks , small notes , CDs , CD player , illustration books , and other things . I 'll show her what 's really embarrassing . She made an annoyed sound and grabbed a notebook at the top of the pile and flicked through it . She scowled as she looked back and forth between the notebook and me . " Seriously , what 's this ? What are you doing ? " " That , " I gestured to the notebook in her hands . " Is a catalogue . A playlist of concert songs I made for the girl I liked . They 're arranged by seasons , so four themes . I 've even got the songs recorded on those CDs there . " I bent down to pick up the CD player from the box and slipped one of the earphones into one of Aisaka 's ears . I hit the play button and I could hear the music faintly . The first song in the summer theme was playing . I picked up a folded up piece of paper and unfolded it , " A poem I wrote , I was thinking ' What present should I get her for our first Christmas together ? ' I decided on perfume and even listed a few brands and their prices . " " Disgusting ? Fine . But I 'm telling you all of this because I don 't feel ashamed of it . What 's wrong with liking a girl ? Sure I 'm hopeless and haven 't the courage to confess my feelings to her . I only indulge in pointless fantasy , but I 'm not ashamed ! " Well , actually , I 'm a little ashamed of not having the courage to tell Kushieda how I feel , but that 's just a little detail Aisaka doesn 't need to know . I suddenly realized just what and how much I 've revealed to her and felt a blush rising up my neck towards my cheeks . I turned to look away but my movement was jerky . There was one thing I thought about showing to Aisaka but changed my mind and stuffed into the sleeve of my t - shirt . As I turned away I lost my balance for a moment and the thing I decided against Aisaka seeing slipped out . " Not that . . . ! " Aisaka grabbed the envelope out of the air as it floated slowly downwards . She raised an eyebrow as she looked at me , " What 's this ? An envelope ? " " A love letter ? For Minorin ? ! " There was no room for denial . I had written the love letter but only to put my feelings down on paper , they were never meant to be delivered or even read by anyone else . And now Aisaka 's eyes were focused on them like a spotlight . She let out a disgusted , unimpressed noise . " Tch ! You ? Like Minorin ? You 're joking . Aren 't you a bit full of yourself ? " The two of us degenerated into endless , circular bickering . " Ah ! " my eyes caught sight of the window , the darkness was fading . I turned my head towards the clock . " It 's already four ! " My mother will be home from work soon . Things will be weird if she finds Aisaka here . Things will probably be weird for Aisaka to see my mother coming home after so many hours at the bar , too . And then there 's the landlady who 'll be up as soon as the newspaper arrives . She 'll probably complain about all the noise . If she evicts us now , we won 't be able to afford another place since Yasuko bought a flat - screen TV that barely fits in the apartment ! " Anyway ! Aisaka , I won 't tell anyone and I don 't think you 're an idiot since I 'm hardly any better . Let 's just put an end to this , okay ? " " Why ? For now just get the hell - I mean , please go home ! My sick mom will be back any minute ! " She is sort of sick in a sense of the word . " No ! I don 't trust you . Besides . . . besides . . . " Like a kid , Aisaka knelt to the ground in the middle of the room . With a sad pout on her lips , she stared at her knees and twirled her fingers around the tatami straw mat . Her voice , when she spoke , was that of a confused , lost child , " That . . . love letter . . . What should I do ? I don 't know if it 's the right time . . . to give it to him yet . . . " Of all the times to ask for tips and advice on romance ! I held my head in my hands to stop myself from screaming . " I 'll tell you some other day ! Come on , just go home for now , please ! " " Yes ! I 'll work as hard ! Whether as a dog or anything , I 'll help . So , please , let 's just end this today , okay ? Please ? " I don 't think I ever begged so hard and so much in my life . First she went towards the window . I hadn 't realized it before but there was a pair of small shoes just inside . So that 's how she got in here . She picked up her shoes and walked towards the door but suddenly stopped and turned to look at me . " Hey , " now what ? " Is there any more fried rice left ? " She didn 't reply , putting on one of her shoes silently . She paused before looking over her shoulder at me . " The fusuma door , " the both of us looked to the hole her wooden sword had made in the door before we looked to one another again . " Is fixing that going to cost a lot ? " She was looking up at me with her large brown eyes which blinked a few times as we stood in silence . For some reason , my heartbeat started speeding . I looked away though I was more puzzled than afraid . This was the first time I 've ever seen her being considerate of others . Me . " Ah , I can probably fix that myself with some paper . Though I 'll have to find a store that sells washi paper of the same quality . " " Hmm , " she let out . She had an expressionless look on her face that I couldn 't read . At least it wasn 't angry . " Washi paper . . . Then , you can us this ? " She held out the light - pink envelope that she set out to erase from the memories of my mind and placed it in my hand . The idea of using her letter - less love letter envelope to patch the fusuma door was dumbfounding . But , well , it was a nice shade of pink . " Uh , um , yeah . . . " I watched her back silently as she began to tie her laces . For some reason , it bothered me that she didn 't answer my question about whether or not she was still hungry . I couldn 't let it remained unanswered , " Hey , hold on . . . " " Why do you care ? " she took her time tying her shoes . " It 's not as if I don 't eat ever . I just get tired of the stuff from the convenience store after a while . I do have some food , I just can 't stand it most of the time . " She shrugged and began tying the other shoe lace . " There was a fast food stall by the train station but it closed down last month . I get food from the convenience store because the cooked food at the supermarket . . . I don 't know how to buy it . . . " Huh ? She 's that helpless ? " Supermarket food ? The one you put in a transparent box and have the cashier weigh ? Why don 't you go with your family - parents ? " Aisaka finished tying her other shoe . As she stood up , I thought I saw her shake her head slightly . Idiot . Every family has their secrets and problems . Considering my own history , I should have realized how inconsiderate that question was . I stopped myself from asking further and watched silently as Aisaka opened the door . She stepped out as a gust of wind blew in , her hair floated weightlessly in the air a moment . " Ah , wait ! " I really was being clueless and inconsiderate . " Let me walk you home , it 's probably not a good idea to walk alone at this time . " She disappeared from the doorway . I quickly put on some slippers and ran out after her but lost sight of her . She had a lot of speed in those small legs of hers . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
Hi everyone ! ! I 'm in such of a good mood today that I decided to post 4 chapters ! Enjoy 🙂 Seven Cheryl was looking at her reflection in the hall mirror of her father 's condo when her cell phone started to ring . She automatically knew who the person was from the ringtone . She goes to her phone and answered it . " Hey baby . " " Hey . I didn 't get you at a bad time , did I ? " " No , just about to grab some dinner . " " Perfect . You mind if I tagged along ? " " Not at all . " " Cool . If you 're at home , I can come and pick you up . " " Sound good . I 'll be waiting . " she said and hung up . Chris hung up his phone and sighed . After everything that was going on , he had to talk to someone about the issues surrounding Marcus , Shawn , and Dominique . After picking up Cheryl at her place , the two was seated at Chili 's , waiting on their drinks to arrive . She noticed from the expression on Chris ' face that something was wrong . She looked at him while putting her hand on top of his . " What 's wrong ? " Chris sighed and began to move the menu around on the table . " Where should I begin ? " " From the beginning . " Chris smirked and stared at Cheryl . " I had to bail Marcus from jail today . He was arrested for disorderly conduct and assault . " " What ! What happened ? " " He choked out a bartender because he wouldn 't serve him anymore drinks . " " Wow . That doesn 't sound like Marcus . " " Well , a lot can happen to a person when they 're going through something . In fact , Marcus hasn 't been the same since what happened . " " And you know this how ? " " Because I haven 't stopped talking to him . Cheryl , I 've known Shawn and Marcus for years , and even to talk to . " " Chris , you know if Shawn ever found out about this , he will be hurt . " " You don 't think I know that ? Marcus is in a really bad place right now . Since the incident , he 's been right now , but I know Shawn ; he would want to help his brother , no matter the circumstances . But right now , I just need to keep him on track so he doesn 't get into even more trouble . " " I think it 's pretty noble what you 're doing . At least someone is still in his corner . " " You 're not mad that I kept this from you ? " Cheryl shook her head . " No , I 'm just glad you 're there for him . " Chris squeezed Cheryl 's hand and smiled . " Thank you . I really glad I 'm there for him , especially now that Dominique is with Shawn . " " What does she have to do with anything ? " " Let 's just say that Riana is not the only woman the Walker brothers have shared . " Cheryl gave a smirk regarding the comment . " Dominique and Marcus had a relationship ? " " It 's not what you think . Dominique nearly destroyed Marcus ' life . She accused him of rape at a party two years ago . " Cheryl gave Chris a bewildered look . " Why would she do that ? " " More likely to protect her reputation . Shawn knew about the situation , but never knew who the parties involved . Marcus kind of kept everything under wraps . Anyway , he was doing security work for a party off campus and Dominique and he were flirting . One thing led to another and they had consensual sex . A couple of days later , she accused him of raping her . I don 't know all the details , but I do know she withdrew her claim , stating that she agreed to have sex with him . " " So how do you know the entire story ? " " I was at the party and heard several people talking about it . Shawn decided not to go out that night because he had a paper due that Monday . I talked to Marcus about it and he admitted it was him and a girl that he identified as Dominique . " " Why you never told me about this ? Especially now since Riana and I are thinking about pledging GZG . " " Because it happened before we all knew each other . I didn 't think you two would even pledge , especially knowing Dominique is the president . " " You do know that Shawn will never forgive you for this . It 's one thing that you 're still associating with Marcus , but knowing his current girlfriend accused his brother of rape is another situation . " Chris sighed as he leaned back in his chair . He suddenly realized he 's not hungry . " I know , and that 's what I 'm afraid of . " help but ponder on it every now and then . Dominique stared at Shawn while placing her hand on his . She gazed into his eyes , wondering what he was thinking . " Is everything okay ? " Shawn looked at Dominique and smiled . " Yeah , everything 's cool . Tell me how your classes went ? " " It was great . In fact , I think this semester is going to be great . That wasn 't the interesting part of my day , though . It was actually Pledge Week and the girls we encountered . " " Really , how so ? " Shawn asked he grabbed his glass of soda . " There were some we felt had potential to be GZGs , but there were others that we automatically knew wouldn 't make the cut . " " Anyone I know came by ? " Dominique gave Shawn a smirk and picked up her glass . " Don 't play dumb Shawn . I 'm pretty sure Chris told you that Cheryl and Riana came by . " " Why would you think I was referring to Cheryl and Riana ? " " Because you were . To be honest , I don 't think those two are GZG material . " " Why would you say that ? From what I know about the sorority , those two personify the organization 's stigma . " " Babe , I think I know who GZG material is and who is not . But with every girl we choose , we will give them a fair shot . " Shawn looked at Dominique wondering if she was being truthful to what she just said . Shawn knew Dominique couldn 't stand Riana , so why would she give her a fair shot ? As she continued to discuss Pledge Week , Shawn began to space out . He is still trying to find a reason to continue his relationship with her . The two does not have anything in common besides their Journalism major . But as he looked into Dominique 's hazel eyes , something inside him want to give their relationship a chance . He needed to see if he can have a relationship with another woman and actually be happy . Even if it is with Dominique . With that , he pushed whatever feelings he had aside and decided to have a good time with his date with could feel his touch on her skin , which made her moist just thinking about it . Stop thinking about your ex , Ri ! she thought as she stared at the twinkling stars . She had to admit , Terrance thought up the perfect first date . From dinner at her favorite restaurant , details and that he is the perfect gentleman throughout the entire night . Riana quickly focused her attention back on the date as the two stopped walking . She looked over and saw the park in which Shawn gave her promise ring . The ring was a commitment to their love and their relationship . The relationship she ruined with lies and infidelity . Suddenly , all the memories started to resurfaced , making Riana completely emotional . Terrance looked at her , wondering what was wrong . " Are you okay ? It looks as if you saw a ghost . " " I 'm sorry , it just something I noticed from my past . " " Does it have to do with you and Shawn ? " Riana quickly looked away and wiped a tear from her eye . She really didn 't want to cry in front of Terrance , especially since it was about her ex . " It 's always hard to let go of a relationship , especially if the person was truly special . " Riana wiped another tear . She turned and collided her lips with Terrance 's . She didn 't know why she was kissing him , but at that moment , she needed to feel a sense of comfort . Terrance pulled apart from Riana , giving her a surprised look . He grabbed her by her waist and drew her close to him , reaching for her lips again . Any thoughts of Shawn were slowly vanishing as she continued to kiss Terrance under the starry moonlight . The two locked glances , initiating the beginning of their relationship . After that night at the club , the two went out on a couple of dates . Although Britney was dating again , She tried to tell him that , but instead of coming to an agreement , they winded up having sex . Just like earlier . Her thoughts were interrupted when the doorbell rang . She hopped out of bed and went down the flight risk . " You shouldn 't be here , Jackie . " " I know . I wanted to see you . " " I told you after what happened that we can 't be together . I thought I made that clear ; and now you 're making things even more complicated by showing up on my doorstep looking the way you do . " " I guess I should take that as a compliment . " he said while giving a wide grin . " I 'm being serious , Jackie . " " Can I come in , please ? " Britney sighed and walked into the living room . Jackie walked in and closed the door . He walked over to Britney as she gave him an intense stare . " I agree with what you said earlier . That can 't happen again , especially on campus . " " It can 't happen again period . You 're my teacher , Jackie ! What if someone catches us together , whether hand . " " I agree . You should have told me the truth from the beginning . " " But the problem is I can 't just end things . I really like you Britney and I want things between us to work . I want us to be together . " " Why are you doing this ? After everything we said earlier . " " I know , but Britney , you can 't deny your feelings for me . You don 't want us to end just as much as I don 't . " Britney walked to the sofa and sat down . " You know I don 't . " Jackie went over to Britney and began to touch her . " If we are to be together , we have to be discreet . No more campus hookups , okay . Maybe we could go out of the city or to our places for dates . Baby , I don 't want to lose you . " Britney looked at Jackie as he caressed her shoulder . He moved his fingers to her chest , creating a shiver throughout her body . " I don 't know if I want to be . " " You sure . " He said as he tilted his face to Britney 's . He put his hand on her cheek and lightly brushed his lips onto hers . Britney wasn 't not sure if she wanted to sneak around , but that was something she will have to figure out later . Without uttering a word , she took Jackie 's hand and the two headed towards her bedroom . a highlighter in her book to hold her place . She opened the door to see Donnell standing in the hallway . " Can I come in ? " " Should I let you in ? " " You don 't have to . I can say what I have to right here , unless you want everyone on the floor to know our conversation . " Monica sighed and let Donnell in . " What do you want Donnell ? I have chapters to read before my next class . " " It won 't take long . We left a lot of things unsaid earlier . " " I think we both made ourselves pretty clear earlier . " " Mon , I want us to repair our relationship and I 'm not giving up without a fight . " " It sounded like you wanted to earlier . " " By saying I wanted to start over ? No , I want us to forget about everything that has happened between us in the past year and a half . I want us to forget about the infidelity , the insecurity , and start over . " Donnell went up to Monica and put his hands in hers . " Are you willing to do that , for us ? " Monica nodded her head as she wrapped her arms around him . " I 'm willing to . To save us , " Nine piece of stationary lying underneath her dorm door . She went to the door and picked it up , noticing no name on the envelope . She wondered if she should even open it . She tore it open and saw the encrusted writing of the sorority Gamma Zeta Gamma . She smiled , realizing it was a pledge invitation . Finally , my plan is coming into motion . she thought as she read the invitation before putting it back in paper to do the article and expose the sorority . And to knock Dominique off her pedestal . She walked to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee when she thought about the date she had with text . She missed seeing him , which was odd considering she only known him for a short time . A knock was at the door , which almost caused her to drop her coffee cup . " Who could that be ? " she asked as she went to the door . She opened the door and immediately smiled . Terrance was on the other end holding up a dozen red roses . " Missed me ? " he asked . " Honestly , yes I have . And the roses are sweet . Thank you . " she said as she took them from him . " I missed you too . And you 're welcome . " He said stepped into the room . " How was your brother 's football game ? You didn 't tell me if his team won . " " Of course they won . He pretty much won because of me . " " And how is that ? " " Because I taught him everything he knows on the field . " Riana laughed and put the roses into a vase . She set it in the kitchen and smiled . " Even though it was only a scrimmage , it was important for me to be there . I try to go to my brother 's games when I have a chance . " " That 's good . Family is extremely important . " " Maybe you could come with me one day . " Riana smiled at the thought . " I would like that . " " Not only did I come by to see your beautiful face this morning , but I was hoping you would want to go to the lounge with me before class . " " Sure . Just give me a few minutes to grab my things . " Riana said . As she went into her bedroom , Terrance went over to the deep brown sofa to take a seat . He looked at Riana and Shawn taken on the beach . As soon as he heard Riana 's footsteps , he quickly snapped the album shut and set it back on the table . " Ready to go ? " she asked . " Sure . " Terrance said and grabbed his backpack . A few minutes later and the two were walking across the quad towards the Student Lounge . Terrance looked at Riana as she stared towards the view in front of her . " You know , we never really discussed the date nor the kiss . " Riana turned her head to face Terrance . " I know . Terrance , there is a lot of things that are going on in my mind right now . " " Is Shawn one of those thoughts ? I wasn 't going to bring up what happened before the date because I didn 't want to ruin it , but what was going on between you two ? " " What do you mean ? " " He had his arm around you about ready to kiss you . " " Terrance , whatever you saw was not what you think . Shawn and I are complicated . " " I know you still have feelings for him , and it 's obvious he still does too . I just need to know is I 'm figure out her feelings for him or for Shawn . " I don 't think you have anything to worry about . Shawn and I are done . " " You sure you are , because it didn 't look like it to me . " Riana went up to Terrance and kissed him . He put his arms around her as she leaned into him . Once they pulled apart , Riana smiled at a speechless Terrance . " Do I have to convince you again ? " " By all means . " He said as he stepped closer to Riana . Riana put a hand to his chest and smiled . " Later . Now , shall we go to the lounge ? " " Sure . " When they arrived inside , the place was packed with students crammed together either getting a quick breakfast or hanging out before their classes . Terrance was able to find a table as him and Riana quickly sat down . " Since that was settled , how about going on another date with me ? " " I would love to . " Once Riana replied to Terrance 's question , Shawn walked in . Riana looked up and noticed thought of being with anyone but Riana . Even if what she did was wrong . He continued to watch the two , as Terrance put his hand on Riana 's . A twinge of jealousy rose through him as Riana gave Terrance a dazzling smile . He rushed over to the table , almost colliding into someone in the process . " Sorry . " he said to the guy . He stood by the two , giving Riana a perplexed look . " Riana , could I talk to you please ? " Riana looked up and was shock to see Shawn standing by her table . " Shawn , what are you doing ? " " Please , Riana . " " Why do you need to talk to her ? " Terrance asked while giving Shawn a hostile look . " I don 't think I was talking to you . This isn 't your concern . " " I 'm making it my concern . " " Listen , why don 't I talk to Shawn , okay . " Riana said to Terrance . Terrance looked at Riana , then at Shawn and nodded his head . to the door . Shawn sat down in the chair Terrance occupied , not sure what he 's getting into . " What was that about ? " Riana asked . " What are you talking about ? " " I think you know . " " Are you dating him ? " Riana gave Shawn a sideways glance . " Why do you care ? " " I just want to know . " " We only had one date . Happy . " " Ri , even though we 're not together , I still care about you . Not only do I want you be happy , but to know what you 're getting into with someone new . " " I think I can take care of myself . " Riana said . She started to get up when Shawn pulled her back down . He placed his hand on hers , giving it a slight caress . " What are you doing ? " Riana whispered . " I know you still care about me . " Shawn whispered back . " You know I do Shawn , but we both know that we will never get back together . " Shawn looked at Riana and swept some hair from her face . Her body immediately responded to his touch , causing her to quiver . " Do you really think that ? " he asked . He moved away from his chair and walked over to her . " Don 't Shawn . " Riana said . He pulled her up from her chair and stared into her eyes . Not caring about causing a scene , he tilted his head to hers , giving her a kiss so sensual , it caused the two to become off guard with their pent - up feelings for one another . Riana grabbed the back of Shawn 's neck as she drew him closer to her , slipping her tongue into his clapping their hands in approval . But not everyone was happy , as Dominique captured the entire scene . She gave the two an unsatisfied look before walking out the lounge . she knew it will be a battle getting in . And I 'm definitely ready for it . As she walked towards the campus ' garden , she saw Chris coming to her with two cups of coffee . " How did you know I needed this ? " she asked and grabbed one . " I just knew . So , what 's the good news you wanted to share with me ? " he asked while taking a sip from his cup . " I got an invite from GZG ! " Chris sighed and stared at the clear blue sky . " I 'm not sure if I should congratulate you on that . " " Why not ? " " Have you forgotten everything I told you last week ? " " No , I haven 't forgotten Chris . I know if I accept this invite that I will be walking into danger , but Dominique is not the deciding factor for the sorority . " " She 's president , so technically she is . " " There are other sorority sisters who will make the decision along with her . I really think Riana and I will get a fair shot in joining . " " Do you know if she got an invite ? " " I haven 't talked to her , but I 'm pretty sure she did . " " Cheryl , I really don 't think this is a good idea . I think you need to decline the invite . " " Chris , everything will be okay . Nothing will happen to me , I promise . " " I know , but I also know Dominique . There 's no telling what she 's capable of when put under pressure . Just be careful , okay . " Cheryl looked at Chris and gave him a kiss on the lips . " Don 't worry baby , I 'll be able to handle myself , no matter what Dominique throws my way . " more . She missed him and she didn 't want another day to go by without them being together . What about Terrance ? She thought . She touched her lips , still feeling Shawn , which answered her question . She can 't get him off of her mind and she don 't know if she ever will . She looked to the entrance and saw Shawn walk in . He went to her with a sense of urgency . " Can we talk ? " She nodded and the two went to the door . They walked out to the hallway , both not knowing what to say . " About earlier … " Shawn said . " Shawn , a lot has happened between us , and I 'm not sure if we can go back to how things were . " Riana kiss proved it . " " We 're with other people . " " So what . You know you 're just wasting time with him , just like I am with Dominique . I 've tried to move on , but I can 't . You 're all I think about , even when I know I shouldn 't . " " I feel the same way . " " Then why are we fighting it ? We can start over ; just say the word and I 'll leave Dominique , because baby , I can 't be apart from you another day . " Shawn said . Before Riana could say anything , he went over to her and put her back against the wall . She glanced at him before putting her lips to his . She sighed , realizing this is where she wanted to be . Shawn kissed her neck , making Riana closed her eyes and moan . She missed his lips on her , his hands on her body . She just missed him , which had her body aching for him to be inside of her . But she knew she couldn 't be with him . Not now , anyway . " Shawn . " She whispered . He glanced at her . " What 's wrong ? " " We can 't do this . Not now . " " What ? " " It 's not like that ; I want to be with you , but if you end things with Dominique , it will only cause trouble with Cheryl and I joining GZG . She will destroy any chance of us joining . " " You really think so ? " " I know so . I could care less about joining , but this is Cheryl 's dream . It will crush her if she doesn 't get in . " " So , what does this mean ? We 're just going to pretend we don 't want to be together ? " " It doesn 't have to be like that , if you 're willing to sneak around . " Shawn smiled . " Seriously ? " " Why not ? I mean , it will be kind of fun , not to mention sort of sexy . " She said , giving him another kiss . " But what about Dominique and Terrance ? We 're just going to continue dating them ? " " For me , I can just end things , but with you and Dominique , you might have to continue dating her . " " I don 't know , Ri … " " Just until pledging is over . " " She can still withdraw the invite even after pledging is over . " " Not if the majority of sisters vote on it . " " Are you doing this for another reason ? " Riana sighed and looked down the hall , checking to see if anyone was around . " It is . Remember I said I was trying to do a trial run with the paper ? " " Yeah , but what does that have to do with GZG ? " " Cheryl gave me this idea about hazing ; not that I 'm saying they are , but what if they do certain things to get pledgees to join ? I just need to get through the process so I could do a story for the paper . " " I don 't think that 's a good idea . " " Come on , Shawn . This probably a long shot , but if they do , I could have a good story on my hands . " " Baby , I don 't want you to get involved if they are . You already know Dominique doesn 't like you and you 're putting Cheryl in danger just because she doesn 't . " " That 's why we shouldn 't be together . Well , publicly , anyway . " Shawn sighed . " You 're asking for a lot , but you always been kind of bossy . " Riana rolled her eyes and smiled . " Lucky for you , that 's a turn - on for me . " he said . He took her hand and the two went towards an empty lecture hall . He closed the door and locked it , which had Riana nervous , but also excited . " We 're supposed to be in class . " She said . " We can miss a day . " He said . He pulled her up onto a desk and put his arms around her . " I 'll agree to your plan , but the only place we can meet is your place . " " What if Terrance comes by ? " " He shouldn 't if you end things . " " Which I will . " " We 'll figure out all the details later ; right now , I need to make you come . " A shiver went through Riana as Shawn slowly took off her jeans . She began to breathe heavily as he kissed her cheek . She pulled down his jeans , touching him as he leaned her body back . She wrapped her legs around his waist and without hesitation , he thrust inside of her . " Shit . " Shawn whispered . He closed his eyes , realizing he missed being like this with her . Riana held onto him as he continued to push in her . She clawed his back , spreading herself even more feeling she was receiving from him made up for it . " I love you so much . " She whispered . " I love you too , baby . " Shawn moaned . After months of being apart , their bodies didn 't miss a beat . They were enjoying every kiss , touch and same , saying her name before coming inside of her . He held her and gave her a peck on the lips . " Welcome home . " she whispered . " Like I never left . " Shawn agreed and smiled . The two knew then this is where they needed to be and they will never lose that feeling ever again . hardest to get him to leave her alone . What am I going to do ? The doorbell rang and she went to the door . She opened it and stared at Terrance . " What 's up ? Your message sounded urgent . " She shook her head and pushed him into the house . " What the hell … " he said . " I should be saying the same to you ! I gave you a fool - proof plan to keep those two away from each other , but it failed . " " What are you talking about ? " " I 'm talking about my boyfriend and that whore of an ex ! I asked you to date her so she would leave my man alone , but I saw the two kissing at the student lounge as if they were the only ones there . " " Damn . " Terrance replied and shrugged . " Why are you so nonchalant about this ? I thought you liked her . " " I do , but you have to face facts , she 's still in love with her ex . There 's no competition there . " " There would have been if you didn 't fight hard enough . " " Sis , you have to realize that there 's no point in working on something that 's not worth saving . Just let them be and find someone that is willing to be with you . " Dominique stared at her stepbrother and sighed . " No . I have an agenda and Shawn 's a part of it . I can 't have her in the way . " " What is this agenda you 're talking about ? Does it have to do with his brother ? " She glanced at Terrance before walking to the couch . " Dom , you have to let the past go . You accused him of rape , but you 're the one holding a grudge towards him . " " It 's not that ; it 's just I 've had an eye on Shawn for years , but when I saw Marcus , my entire plan backfired . I didn 't think I would get another chance until I saw him at the station . " " It 's amazing he still doesn 't know what happened between you and his brother . " " And hopefully it stays that way if Chris doesn 't open his damn mouth . In fact , have him pledge Omega Si , that way he 'll be too busy to say anything . " " How did you even know he came by the house ? " " I know everything . Now , we have to step up our game with both of them , that way I can finally have him away from her . " Terrance shook his head . " And what do you want me to do ? " Dominique looked at him and smiled . " Do whatever it takes . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
You remember where you were when you found out . Maybe you heard it on the news , or maybe you saw it on social media . Or maybe a loved one contacted you asking if you were okay and you didn 't understand . Why are they asking if you 're okay ? Of course you 're okay . But you 'll never forget the terrible feeling of realizing that this time , it was your city that was hit by a terrorist attack , or a mass shooting , or something equally awful . It didn 't happen in some country on the other side of the ocean , or a distant city you 've never seen . No , this time it 's your home . We live in a world where sadly we 're not surprised to hear that there 's been another attack somewhere . It 's part of the world we live in . Maybe you 've even told someone that you 're afraid to travel because of it . But when an attack happens in your own city , you realize how silly and fragile that idea sounds . Even staying put becomes dangerous . I remember where I was a year ago . I woke up to a text message asking if I was okay . It was my day off . I had just started a new job at Disney World and was living with my aunt in Orlando . I didn 't understand the text . I logged into Facebook and didn 't see too much out of the usual , until I saw that another Orlando friend had marked herself " safe . " I then spent the next hour searching for answers . Where was the attack ? Who was there ? Did I know anyone who was ? How did this happen ? And why ? I remember where I was three weeks ago when I saw a Facebook status that said " Praying for Manchester . " My heart sank again . They couldn 't mean Manchester , England , could they ? The status was posted by an American , of all people . But finding out there had in fact been a bombing in Manchester , England , a city I had also called home once , hit me like a ton of bricks exactly like the news of the Pulse shooting had done . Even though I no longer lived in Manchester , I still knew people who did . I knew people who were at the concert that night . Thankfully they were fine , but they might not have been . Even though I 've been gone for four years , the attack still felt personal . When it 's your city on the news , it feels personal . It 's different than hearing about an attack that took place far away . Suddenly you care very much about the names of the people . Were they a co - worker ? A friend of a friend ? Your favorite barista ? Or God forbid , someone you were close to . The entire world changes then . You spend hours tracking down everyone you can think of , making sure they are okay . In the days that followed the Pulse shooting , I wanted to know their stories . I waited as each name slowly got released . I cried for the Disney cast members and Universal team members who were affected because even if I had never met them , they were family . My heart broke when they finally revealed the motive behind the attack . I couldn 't believe it . Not in my city . When it 's your city on the news , you want answers . You want to know how such hate could exist in this place that you love . It doesn 't seem real . But then as you 're grieving with your neighbors and comforting friends you suddenly realize that the rest of the world is watching , and sharing their opinion . I know for me , that realization made me angry . There were people who had never been to your city , they didn 't know the people like you did , and yet they were passing judgement . " If x had been done then this wouldn 't have happened . " Or worse , when you realize politicians start talking about it . How dare they talk about this terrible event like it 's just some other political debate . Can 't they just let us grieve ? Seeing other people who live far away share articles and opinions on social media about the event almost seems wrong . The love that comes pouring in from around the world is overwhelming , and the hate and judgement that comes from outside sources hurts more than it should . It felt so strange to see Americans commenting on the Manchester attack , even if they did so with the best intentions . And it felt weird to see people who had never lived in Orlando expressing their sorrow . I know that the Pulse shooting resonated with the whole LGBTQ community , but it still felt so strange to see people from so many places expressing their sorrow as well . I don 't think I can explain why it felt strange , but it did . When it 's your city on the news , you don 't care what the rest of the world has to say . In a few weeks they 'll go away . They 'll stop talking about the event except for the occasional mention , usually when comparing it to other attacks . The Facebook banners and temporary profile pictures will go away . When the next attack happens , eyes will turn away from your city and look to the next one . But you won 't forget . The local news headlines will continue as memorials are held , fundraisers spring up , maybe new policies are put in place . New artwork will memorialize the victims and remind you that your city is resilient . And when the anniversary of the event comes around , you 'll still remember where you were , but you 'll also know where you are . You 'll know that your city has survived . The rest of the world may have moved on , but the vigils and memorials that continue to take place in your city will mean the world to you . You 'll remember the victims by name rather than their number . It 's not about the quantity of lives lost , but about how each of those lives was valuable . This trip has been full of unique experiences , but one of the coolest things we 've done is get up at 6am for an early morning yoga class with a bonafide yogi . I didn 't realize how important yoga was in Indian culture . I 'd gotten so used to yoga being the " hip " thing to do back in the States , done by those super health - conscious people in Lularoe leggings who carry yoga mats to work , that I forgot it had originated here . I certainly didn 't think it was necessary to get up at 5 : 30 in the morning for a 6am class , but I wasn 't about to miss this adventure . We arrived at an unassuming building in the midst of a neighborhood , and our yogi was waiting for us outside . He led us down to his studio , which I 'm certain is probably in the basement of the building in which he lives , and it looked very much like any studio you would find in the States , but without a wall of mirrors . He explained to us that yoga is not exercise . To me that was one of the most interesting things he said , because I think that is often how it is approached back home . He explained that yoga is a means of centering oneself and learning to focus the mind . It is an exercise in concentration and focus . I was intrigued . The class proceeded much like any other yoga class I have attended ( which are not that many ) , but his explanations of the poses and stretches went beyond simply how our muscles were affected . It seemed like every pose was the cure - all for digestion issues , mental clarity , breathing , joint problems , back pain , and a host of other things . According to him , practicing yoga everyday would cure all of it . Though my skeptical scientific mind would like to see some research on it , I wouldn 't doubt that at least some of his claims would be backed up . Apparently it 's fairly common for people in India to practice yoga early in the morning before anything else . Our yogi told us that it 's the only good time to do it , and it will improve your whole day . If it weren 't so early and if I didn 't enjoy sleep so much , I might actually consider taking up the practice back home . But one thing I can always get behind is the idea of afternoon tea . It is just as popular here as it was in England , but the tea of choice is not English Breakfast tea . It 's known simply as chai here . Not chai tea , just chai . It doesn 't come from tea bags , at least not if not 's necessary , but is made on the stove where the tea leaves and spices are all mixed together and then strained out . And it 's always served with milk . But just like tea in England , chai is more than a drink . It 's a meal that takes place around 4pm , complete with biscuits and sometimes samosas ( which are wonderful fried pockets of potatoes and vegetables and spices ) . But drinking chai isn 't just an afternoon pastime . Almost everywhere we have gone , every lecture and meeting we have had with different professionals , has included chai . As soon as we arrive , the host has asked us , " Would you like chai ? I will order some to be brought up . " In that respect , it reminded me very much of British culture . As our hosts they felt compelled to offer chai to their guests . It is definitely something I could get used to . Though English Breakfast will always be my tea of choice , I think I could get used to chai as an acceptable alternative . Especially if samosas are involved . Though I don 't know about 6am yoga … When I returned from England some four year ago , I never would have imagined that I would have a second opportunity to study abroad . With only a year left of college I knew I wouldn 't have another study abroad opportunity before graduation , and I never would have imagined that a graduate program would offer courses overseas . And yet , here I am . There was one course open to psychology graduate students , like myself , that takes place every two years in India . A psychology professor in my department is from India and studied at the Indian Institute of Technology in Delhi , so he decided to develop an immersive course for students to learn how an individuals ' sense of identity is shaped by their culture , and how mental illness is perceived within that framework . The course sounded interesting , and the adventure was too tempting to turn down . So , here I am . It 's still a little hard to believe . With each overseas trip I have found myself saying " this trip is my last for a long time , " and yet somehow I keep making that long trek across the ocean . I don 't know how I got so lucky . As far as trips across the ocean go , this was the hardest . After a layover in Atlanta we had the usual 8 hour flight across the Atlantic and we landed in Amsterdam . Although we only had a two hour layover I was particularly excited to return to the city . On my last visit I was unable to find a miniature flag to add to my collection , and as such it was the only country that I have visited that is not represented on my wall . My best friend from Holland informed me that they don 't really care as much about their flag as Americans do ( does anyone though ? ) and they don 't put it on everything like we do . So finding them can be hard . I found one shop that sold a Dutch flag which had " Holland " written across it , and figuring it was the best I would find I bought it . At least it 's something , right ? Then from Amsterdam it was another long 8 hour flight to Delhi , India . If I thought one 8 hour flight was bad , two is exponentially worse . We flew with KLM , the Royal Dutch Airline , and they were definitely great with excellent service , but no amount of service can compensate for cramped airline seats and crying children and the complete inability to get any useful sleep . I did get a cup of the best airline tea I have had since flying with Aer Lingus though . That was a plus . Oh , and free wine of course . I can 't even begin to go into all the details of everything we have done so far , but I can say that Delhi is one of the most unique cities I have ever been to . I don 't know what I was expecting , because obviously this isn 't Europe , but Delhi is a different kind of beautiful . It 's hard to call it beautiful because through the eyes of Westerner , it probably isn 't . There is dust and smog and litter everywhere , and because of the dust everything looks dirty . The traffic is horrendous and no one follows the traffic rules ( if any rules even exist ) . And yet , there are more trees than I have ever seen in a city , and vibrant flowers , and women in glittering saris and kurtas with veils and scarves that are adorned in both simple and elegant designs . There are colorful flower stands and fresh fruit markets everywhere . There are amazingly intricate designs on buildings , and architecture rarely seen in the West . The domes and towers and arches are a wonderful testament to the skilled craftsmen who built them . And within those beautiful arches are some of the most beautiful doors and gates ! Delhi has been called the city of gates , because there were once 52 gates throughout the seven cities of Delhi . Now there are only a handful that remain , but the legacy is there . I have made it my mission to photograph as many of these unique doors and gates as I can find . How many adventures have we experienced in the past week and a half ? I don 't even know that I can recount everything . We 've traversed the winding streets of Old Delhi and seen the extravagance of the Taj Mahal . We 've seen the spectrum of religious temples and worship spaces , bargained with artisans in markets , and drank more tea than I have had in a long time . I think my food has had more spices cooked with it than I have ever used in my entire life , and that is saying a lot because I love herbs and spices . I know that I will have stories to tell for years to come . Of all the places I have visited , Salzburg may have been my hardest goodbye . Now don 't get me wrong , I will forever love every city I have visited , and the places I have lived hold a special place in my heart . But there was just something unexpected about Salzburg , Austria that pulled at my heart and made me want to stay forever . Perhaps it was the fact that you could walk anywhere in the city within 20 minutes , or the fact that in the middle of July it wasn 't humid in the slightest and it even got cool enough for a cardigan . Maybe it was the narrow , winding cobblestone streets that have enchanted me in so many cities , or the endless balconies with brightly colored flowers . Or perhaps it was those beautiful hills always lingering in the background , seeming to stand watch over this beautiful city and ensure that its music never fades . I love this city . We were led here by " The Sound of Music , " not knowing that the whole city was truly alive and powered by music . I can understand why Mozart became the prodigy that he was , and why the Salzburg Summer Music Festival is so wildly successful . I can only hope that music continues to inspire the city , and that one day I am able to return to this great place . Until then , I hate to go and leave this pretty sight , but so long , farewell , auf weidersehen , adieu . Today after three years of dreaming , I finally made it back to my beloved Europe . A lot has changed in those three years . Maybe its just my perspective that has been widened , but the world seems so much different than it did back then And yet , we 'll always have Paris . Yesterday I watched the sunrise over Orlando , and today I watched the sunrise over Paris , and in those simple moments everything seemed perfect . But in the real world , all perfect things come to an end , and so the moment my best friend and I touched down in Paris we hit the ground running . A delayed flight caused us to miss our check in window at our flat , which caused us to have to rent a locker in the train station to store our stuff , which made us miss 8 : 30 am mass at Notre Dame . And then on our way to the Eiffel Tower we got caught unprepared in a torrential downpour , causing us to miss our ticket window time . But thankfully the day turned out to be absolutely magical in spite of it all ! We spent a leisurely morning in the Latin Quarter , eating nutella crepes and exploring Shakespeare and Company bookstore before heading to 11 am mass at Notre Dame herself . And then after a bit of souvenir shopping we made our way over to Montemarte , the city within a city in Paris . We had an absolutely fabulous walking tour of the district , starting at the Moulin Rouge and ending at Scare Coeur basilica , and it was probably the best and most unexpectedly wonderful part of the day . Thankfully the tour was completed shortly before the downpour , and once we finally got to the Eiffel Tower a very kind woman at the checkpoint let us through despite being late because the rain had driven many people away . It 's only day 1 , and it 's already been quite the adventure . I think Emily summed it up nicely when she looked at me at the top of the Eiffel Tower and said , " I can 't remember a day recently when I have been flooded with so many wobderful emotions . " It still doesn 't feel real , and I totally agree . Maybe its the delerium from jet lag , but today was perfect in all its imperfections and just thinking about it makes me so overwhelmed with happiness that I feel like I could burst . I can 't wait to see what tomorrow brings . Maybe tomorrow I will be able to write more about the cool details that makes Montmartre so unique , or the exquisiteness of the view from the Eiffel Tower , but for now my heart is too full to focus on the small details . Suddenly it seems that my time in New Orleans is drawing to a close . With only 6 weeks left in the city , I realized that there was so much I still had yet to do before I move . So many places I haven 't seen , bucket list items not yet accomplished , and things I still have to eat ! Thankfully a dear friend from Disney World came to visit me this week over her Spring Break , bringing with her another very well traveled friend , and together we were able to accomplish quite a lot of things in the short span of only four days . The girls arrived bright and early Sunday morning , Easter Sunday . Our first stop was to go to Easter mass at St . Louis cathedral in the heart of the French Quarter . The problem with that particular choice for Easter mass was the sheer fact that it was in the French Quarter , a place that I do not drive through on principle . Aside from the fact that parking is slim ( and expensive once you do find it ) , the streets are narrow and filled with oblivious tourists . So rather than drive into the city , we decided to take another form of transportation ( and check off one item from my bucket list ) : we took a streetcar ! Though I don 't live anywhere near a streetcar line , I do live fairly close to City Park . And in City Park there is an art museum with free parking , and in front of the museum is a streetcar stop that goes all the way to the river . It was perfect . Well , nearly perfect . We still had a little walking to do , and of course Sunday proved to be a very wet day , in true New Orleans fashion . After mass it seemed that the rain had mostly stopped , so we walked across the street to Cafe Du Monde for some man - catchin ' beignets . I forgot just how good they were ! It 's been a while since I 've had Cafe Du Monde 's beignets , and I was reminded how silly I was to buy them from any other cafe in town . We took our beignets up to the river and sat and watched the boats go by while we ate . Then we went for a walk to burn off some of those calories , since we still had brunch reservations ! After acquainting the girls a bit with some New Orleans history and culture , and walk down Bourbon Street , we headed over to brunch . Our reservations were at Nola , one of the restaurants owned by Emeril Lagasse , so it marked for me the first time I had ever eaten at a celebrity chef restaurant . I must admit that the food was quite tasty . Between the three of us , we had a muffaletta , an omelet with fresh crabmeat , fried boudin , and delicious crabcakes . And of course , mimosas . Is it really brunch without mimosas ? With no real goals left for the day , we walked blissfully through the Quarter . We walked along the river , wandered into shops , and caught up on each others ' recent adventures before getting on the streetcar and heading back to City Park . I asked them about things that they were eager to do while they were here in the city , and they confided that a visit to the bayou was definitely a major bucket list item . So we found a bayou tour that included a guided boat ride and promised personal encounters with wildlife , and we signed up for the tour the following day . Our tour with Airboat Adventures did not disappoint ! They offered a bus pickup service from the city , but when I mentioned that I was a local they informed us that driving ourselves would give us a discounted price . All about that discount ( and freedom ) , we jumped at the opportunity . Our boat ride lasted nearly an hour and a half , and yet it still felt like only five minutes . The leisurely ride through the bayou was truly a breath of fresh air . It was enough to make all the troubles of the world pass away . We did see many gators , as promised , and we even got to feed some . Apparently gators are attracted to marshmallows . Who knew ? And our tour guide even brought along a special treat : a pet baby alligator for us to meet ! He was passed around the boat , and for the first time in my life I got to hold an alligator . Yes , I 'm from Florida and have lived my entire life without touching a gator . Isn 't he cute ? He was much softer than I expected . And very chill . He obviously was well adjusted to humans . At the end of our tour , our tour guide mentioned that crawfish was in season and that there was a wonderful restaurant up the road that served very fresh seafood . It was a perfect suggestion as we were all starving , and fresh bayou seafood sounded like the best idea . Again , we were not disappointed . Perino 's Boiling Pot far exceeded our expectations . We again ordered three things to split : fried stuffed crabs , fried shrimp , and fried alligator . I don 't think I have ever tasted fresher seafood in all my life ! The shrimp tasted like they had just been caught this morning ( and they were huge ! ) , and the stuffed crab was absolutely bursting with flavors . The gator was very good as well . It 's not my favorite dish but I do enjoy it , but it seemed appropriate for my California friends to try some after being out on the bayou . The evening was still young , so I drove them up to Lake Ponchartrain just in time for sunset . From one body of water to another , the girls were enthralled . We wandered along the edge of the lake , talking to a few local fisherman about their catch that day before finally stopping as the sun dipped below the water . On several occasions I have seen the sunset while driving across the causeway that stretches over the lake , and as I told my friends , I have never been disappointed by a sunset over that lake . Thankfully this sunset did not prove me wrong , and the sky and water was absolutely ablaze with light and color . None of our pictures could do it justice , and it was a perfect finale to our second day . For our third day , we decided to go on another great excursion . They asked if it were possible to visit a plantation , however I knew that most plantations were pretty far outside the city limits . And sadly it seemed that most preserved plantations were merely used for wedding venues , not for their historical merit . We did manage to find a place that at least according to the internet would make for a good visit , so we drove out to Destrehan to see the Destrehan Plantation . Again , my doubts were immediately washed away when we drove up to the beautiful mansion and were met with a tour guide in a period - appropriate costume . We could have spent hours there learning all of the history and exploring every inch of the property , but sadly I had to return to the real world as I had one afternoon class to attend , and with that Spring Break was over for me . We drove back into the city as our stomachs started growling , but we didn 't have much time to stop for lunch . We decided we needed to get something quick , so I took them to the best fast - food place in New Orleans : Raising Cane 's . I warned them that there were only four things on the menu , but that they would surely not be disappointed . The cashiers were excited to learn that they had two brand new guests who had never tried their food , and they were very helpful and patient . When they finally got the chance to try that glorious fried chicken and Cane 's sauce , they understood why I was so excited about some fast food . After my class was over I showed them the famous Mardi Gras tree on Tulane 's campus , and while they were marveling at its beauty I whipped out a bit of Disney - style magic . I pulled from my backpack three strands of Mardi Gras beads , and I asked if they would like to contribute to the artwork . They eagerly accepted . Then we headed to find another New Orleans culinary favorite : snowballs ! Of course everyone has had shaved ice , but New Orleans likes to do them a bit differently with cream based flavors and condensed milk on top . I brought them to Plum Street Snowballs , the oldest snowball stand in the country , before heading home to cook up some jambalaya and friend green tomatoes . Our last day we split ways for a bit . I had two morning classes , so I dropped the girls off at the streetcar and they rode into the French Quarter while I was in class , and I met up with them afterwards . They had already eaten , so I grabbed a quick bite at Antoine 's Annex , a small pastry and sandwich place owned by the oldest family - run restaurant in the country ( it 's still on my bucket list to eat at the actual Antoine 's restaurant ) . We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the streets and listening to street musicians , and we grabbed a few more beignets before leaving to head to the airport . All in all , the trip went better than I could have planned . We were able to accomplish so much stuff , eat such a variety of Louisiana staples , and really experience so much of the culture . For the first time I really felt like a local . I don 't think I realized just how much I had allowed the culture to seep into my soul until I found myself explaining the subtle nuances in New Orleanian life and really understanding it . The girls were amazed that I had only just moved here in August , because they said it seemed like I had lived here all my life . It really does feel like that , I suppose . I don 't think I 'll ever really be able to call myself a New Orleanian , but I know that a part of this city will be with me forever . From its flavors to its spirit , New Orleans is truly a unique place in the world and I am glad that I have been able to call it home . Well , earlier this week I fulfilled my cultural quota by experiencing my first New Orleanian parade . Then yesterday I decided to actually participate in something on my university 's campus ( other than classes ) , and I went to a school production of The Rocky Horror Show ! You read that right , The Rocky Horror Show , not The Rocky Horror Picture Show . They 're different . Before Rocky Horror 's debut on the silver screen , it was a musical stage production that took the 70 's by storm . This year marks the 40th anniversary of the movie version , so it 's a very special year this year , but the original Rocky Horror Show actually first hit the stage in 1973 . In that year it won the Evening Standard Theatre Award for Best Musical , and when it was adapted into a movie in 1975 it had the longest running film release in history , a record that still stands to this day . Despite this fact , however , the film was basically considered a flop in its early days , until a small group in New York City began to have a little fun with the show . A lot of people refer to certain movies as " cult classics , " but I think none embody that term in the truest extent quite as well as Rocky Horror . Why do I say that ? Because going to see a Rocky Horror production feels a lot like participating in a cult ! Nowadays , because of it 's star history on both the stage and screen , it 's very traditional for a local acting group to take over a movie theatre and screen the movie to a live audience while simultaneously acting out the play down below the screen . It sounds bizarre , but it 's some of the best fun ! Most major cities have their own acting group ( shoutout to the Rich Weirdos of Orlando ! ) that does the production anywhere from once a year to once a week . And yep , there are people that come back to watch . Every . Single . Time . It 's a common practice in the beginning of each show for the cast to do some sort of countdown . They make the whole theatre stand up , and say things like , " If you 're seen this production over a hundred times , sit the hell down . " And they will count down by random intervals until the only ones standing are first - timers , or as they 're referred to , the " Rocky Horror Virgins . " And the virgins are certainly in for a treat , because if you 've never seen the show live before , you probably have no idea what you got yourself into . As the film garnered popularity in certain pockets in the US throughout the 70 's , audience members who had seen the show many times began talking back to the screen , saying things that were timed well with the lines so that they combined together to make people laugh . For instance , the narrator has a line in which there is a long pause and then he says , " It 's true . " So it 's the perfect opportunity to ask an outrageous question ( I believe last night someone shouted , " Is it true you had sex with Donald Trump ? " ) , which if it is timed correctly elicits thunderous laughter . Fan groups also began dressing up to go to the theatre in outrageous costumes , and groups which became known as " shadow casts " got together to perform parts of the show during the movie . The fun spread like wildfire . Certain " callback " lines became staples , like shouting " asshole " every time Brad 's name is said , and then shouting " slut " after Janet 's name . Just as this show was breaking boudaries in theatre production and culture , it was breaking the rules of what it meant to be a member of the audience . Many local groups have their own unique traditions , and their own lines that they like to ad lib . But everyone , virgin or veteran , is encouraged to play along and add their own flair . While I lived and worked in Orlando , I was able to see the Rich Weirdos perform their shadow cast version at the movie theatre in City Walk three times . I went in costume my first time , wearing a black and orange corset - style leotard and fishnets , which was loads of fun . I had the pleasure of bringing a few different friends to experience the show as well , some for their first time . I always tell first - timers the same thing I was told : first off , nothing in the entire world is off limits to make fun of during the show , so take a deep breath and let go of any anything in your mind that could be offended . Secondly , you 're not going to watch a movie . You 're going in order to participate in a fun experience . Do not attempt to hear whaSo now that I 've talked way more than I expected to about the history , the shadow cast traditions , and the Rich Weirdos , what I really wanted to tell you about was the play ! How did it compare ? Well first of all , I was absolutely blown away by the raw talent of that cast ! So many fabulous voices . Each actor and actress really embodied their role and I was thoroughly impressed . The costumes were incredible , the set was versatile and functional , and the music was performed by a live band ! ! But as I expected , the stage show was definitely a different experience . One thing that I hadn 't even thought about was the age of the audience members . When you go to one of the movie screenings with a shadow cast , the movie is rated R , so you have to be 18 . And the shows are almost always screened at midnight , so no one brings kids . For this reason no one has any qualms spewing profanities or making extremely overt sexual references . But I was surprised at how many parents brought their kids to this show ! I wondered if maybe they were somehow related to a cast member , or if the parents simply didn 't know . In any case , the language was toned down just a bit . There is always an opening spiel , reminding audience members not to hurt any of the cast members and not to throw anything directly at other people , etc . , but it 's usually done by making as many offensive comments as possible . The usherette who introduced the show ( shoutout to Annie ! You 're fabulous ! ) was absolutely fantastic , and walked a fine line between tastefully theatrical and wildly inappropriate . It was a perfect balance . Secondly , this show had a lot more " virgins " than I was used to ( and it didn 't even involve a virgin sacrifice … ) so a lot of people didn 't know what to do . Thankfully there were a large number of cast members placed strategically around the room to shout out traditional lines , but most of the audience didn 't chime in . ( And there 's always that one guy who knows so many more callbacks than the rest of the audience , and has a voice loud enough to be heard by the entire theatre . Shoutout to that guy for being awesome ) And in true theatrical form , the actors paused politely so that they could be heard whenever people did shout . So as a result , for the first time I actually heard the majority of what was being said on stage . A lot more of the lines made so much more sense to me , and I also now understand why certain things get shouted when they do . Perhaps the most disappointing : no one got up and danced to the Time And perhaps one of these days I 'll gather up some friends and make it over to see New Orleans ' shadow cast group , The Well - Hung Speakers . It 's definitely on my bucket list . So for now , Happy Halloween friends ! And remember , if you find yourself stranded with a flat tire in the rain and decide to go to the nearest castle to use their phone … castles don 't have phones ! It 's official y ' all , today I ventured down into the French Quarter and survived my first parade ! Can I call myself a New Orleanian yet ? Already I have too many beads than I know what to do with ( and for the record , I got these beads by looking super excited and happy and waving my hands , and walking straight up to the floats and asking for them . No removal of clothing was necessary ) . Today was definitely an adventure . With only a week until Halloween , the Krewe of Boo hosted their annual Halloween parade through Downtown New Orleans . It 's similar to a Mardi Gras parade , but with far less people , less craziness , and less waiting around . It was honestly even less stressful than a Disney parade , and that 's saying a lot . But coming from Disney , I know what it 's like to camp out for a spot hours in advance . When I worked audience control in Magic Kingdom , I was shocked that some people would stake out their spots up to 3 hours in advance of the parade ! Like , really ? There are so many other things to do in Magic Kingdom . But whatever . So , being new to New Orleans and being relatively clueless about this particular parade , I thought it would be best to arrive as early as possible . We had no idea what to expect . It was a first for both my roommate and I . We arrived a little over an hour before the parade started and there were police cars everywhere , just waiting to direct traffic when the time was right . They were still allowing cars to drive in both directions , so that was a good sign . And looking up and down the street , we could see only small clusters of people waiting for the parade . There was still plenty of room left , and plenty of time . What do you with that kind of time on your hands ? It 's New Orleans . You get yourself a drink ( or two ) ! So armed with some delicious cups of sangria ( because in New Orleans , you can get alcohol to - go ) , we then found ourselves a ledge to sit on from which we would have a great view of the parade . It was great for people watching . We saw a bridal party walk by ( and we saw a Second Line from down the street , although whether it was the same bride and groom we have no idea ) , and we saw plenty of fabulous costumes ranging from adorable children to rather " out there " adult costumes . But such is Halloween . Once the parade finally rolled up in all of its glory , the crowds ( still not nearly as crowded as Disney parade crowds ) scooted right up as close as they could get to the parade floats without literally being run over . The Disney Cast Member in me screamed internally . I watched people cross between parade floats nonchalantly and get so close to the floats that they could reach out and touch them ! But , when in Rome , right ? So I scooted up closer too . As per usual , I took far too many pictures , but I forced myself to put the camera down each time a legit float passed directly in front of us so that I could beg for whatever goodies they were throwing . I was a little disappointed because they seemed pretty stingy with the stuff they threw , but I quickly learned that in order to get stuff you either have to be a cute little kid or an aggressive adult . Needless to say , between the two of us we ended up with more beads than we actually need , 7 plastic cups , 3 keurig cups ( Pumpkin flavored coffee courtesy of PJs ) , 2 pralines , a skull lollipop , and a bag of pretzels . All - in - all , I 'd say it was a pretty successful night . As for the parade itself , well , nothing will ever compare to Boo to You . Nothing . But the floats were gorgeous , the dancers were fun , and I think the atmosphere is really what made the whole evening . We chatted with the people around us , we shared beads when people happened to catch a whole huge handful , we joked about the people we saw and the outrageous costumes , and just had an all around good time . This is normally the point in my blog posts where I would say something thoughtful , or talk about the culture and how celebration is just ingrained into the New Orleans lifestyle , but I honestly don 't feel like I 've immersed myself enough in the culture here to really comment on it . I 've been so wrapped up in schoolwork and studying that I honestly haven 't done much else here in the city . This is one of my first actual outings ( I know , that sounds pretty sad ) , and my first venture into the French Quarter since moving here . So I guess all I can say is that I 'm very glad I actually gave myself a break from the school stuff , and it was a very worthwhile outing . I think I can officially cross something off my bucket list ( which doesn 't actually exist yet . It 's a work in progress ) . New Orleans is certainly a city unlike any other . There is a strong sense of identity here , and a strong sense of belonging . I think this city exudes pride in their culture like nowhere I 've really been before . And for that , I 'm incredibly excited to get more involved and more immersed . I think I can safely say that after this little " practice round , " I 'm a little more prepared and definitely more excited for Mardi Gras season to begin . Happy Halloween y ' all ! No one told me that hearing words like , " He doesn 't deserve you , " wouldn 't help . Because I know they 're wrong , beyond a shadow of a doubt . No one told me that those words would actually hurt more for inexplicable reasons . No one told me that it would be easier to be mad at someone than to not have a single reason to hate them . Because no matter what else I 'm feeling , hate and anger are not among my emotions . Unless you count the anger towards myself , which stings in a very visceral way . No one told me that hearing the words , " I thought you were going to get married , " and " You were perfect for each other , " wouldn 't help . Because I thought those thoughts too once . No one told me that I would feel the weight of disappointment from every person who had ever hoped for our marriage , and it would sit on my shoulders and mock me . No one told me that the answer to the question " What happened ? " would be different every time , because there are some things that don 't fit nicely into words . No one told me that being in my own room could be a source of pain , that the littlest things would serve as huge reminders . No one warned me how much effort it would take to tell myself to keep certain gifts because they were inherently meaningful , but they just so happened to come from him . No one told me how much it was possible for inanimate objects to be so steeped in memories that it was almost palpable . I never knew how much effort it would take to remember the happiness contained in those memories , and to not let them fall away into the abyss of sadness . I never knew how much it would feel like packing up and moving away . Each memory must be recalled , carefully protected and wrapped in bubble wrap , and tucked far away in some corner of my consciousness where I wouldn 't find it until I went looking for it . No one told me how mentally exhausting that would be . I never knew that the tears I saw in movies , the big , fat teardrops that rolled down one 's cheeks and splashed onto surfaces below , could actually exist . I never knew that those tears could physically hurt . I 'd read those words in books ; I 'd read about hot , stinging tears . I thought it was beautiful writing . I didn 't know it could be true . I didn 't know that my entire body could ache , that my legs would shake as I walked down the stairs , or that my chest would feel like it was holding that blanket they place on your body before an x - ray . I didn 't realize that those feelings would linger far beyond their welcome . People will always tell you not to hate yourself , not to blame yourself . " Don 't beat yourself up , " they say . " It 's not your fault . " We live in a society that likes to be blameless , and they will do anything to place the blame on other people . But there is a value in accepting blame where it is due . And so hearing those words " It 's not your fault , " hurt far more than I expected them to . Because I know they 're wrong too . I know I can 't accept all the blame , I know it must be equally distributed . I am still the same logical person , trying to use reason to trudge through emotional waste . But some of the blame does belong to me , and I accept that . No one told me that it would actually hurt more to place all the blame on him , because I know he doesn 't deserve that punishment . I know it 's not his fault . And I know that he is accepting all of the blame anyway , and that hurts more than I could have imagined . No one told me that hearing the words , " If he truly loves you , he 'll come back , " would hurt worst of all . Because they 're not true . Life doesn 't work that way . Truthfully , I know he loves me because he let me go . It 's the very fact that I know he loves me , and that I love him , which makes everything unbearable . Is it possible that somehow , years from now , our lives will collide in such a way that we will be together again ? It 's conceivable . But thoughts like that are no comfort , because life continues moving forward . And so must we . People like to say that " the Lord works in mysterious ways " to explain away a lot of things , but sometimes that description is pretty darn accurate . Remember when I said a few days ago I got lost on Tulane 's campus and managed to find the Catholic student center ? Well I think that moment constitutes one of those " mysterious moments " in my life . It 's a coincidence that I stumbled upon that building just on the edge of campus , but even more so that the building was only just constructed and in fact wasn 't even open yet . Today was the grand opening ceremony , so I decided to attend . After all , free food was promised . And in true Catholic fashion , free wine as well . Let me just say that being a grad student is distinctly different than being an undergraduate college student . It was strange being surrounded by so many freshman ( and their parents , because it 's move - in weekend , and the parents haven 't let go yet ) , and I purposely wore a Delta Gamma shirt so at the very least people knew I couldn 't be a freshman ( and I also hoped maybe I would find a sister ) . It was strange knowing that these students were here looking for ways to get involved on campus , because that 's what you do when you 're a freshman , and I really didn 't want that sort of time commitment . What I was really just looking for was community . While I would love to be " involved , " I know that my time is going to be limited , and so my experience this year is going to be unlike that of a freshman . I 've " been there , done that " and already had an absolutely wonderful college experience , and after being out of school and working for a year it feels almost strange to get back into that mentality of " getting involved . " I went to the open house today not looking for activities , but looking for a place to call home . I 've spent almost my entire life in Catholic School , so I 've always been involved in a church . It was a no - brainer . My first experience outside of that Catholic " bubble " was when I spent six months in England . One of the priests there warned me that I would be living in a " God - less society , " and not to let it shock me too much . I found solace in the Catholic chaplaincy ( the Catholic student union ) , where there was a study space , a kitchen ( with free tea , soup , and biscuits ) , a library , a meeting room , and most importantly a chapel . What I found there was a home away from home , and I made some amazing friends there that I am still connected with today . Without the chaplaincy , and daily mass , Lectio Divina , adoration , and Sunday night dinners , I would have been pretty lonely and homesick . Finding the chaplaincy was like a beacon of light . I didn 't know it was there . I hadn 't gone looking for it . But suddenly as I looked across the street from the bus stop , there it was . It 's another one of those " God moments . " I know that God brought me to Holy Name Chaplaincy , just as surely as He brought me here to New Orleans and to the Fr . Val McInnes Catholic Student Center . What did I find at the Catholic center today ? I found a common area , that will be filled with couches and tables and chairs . I found a kitchen that will serve Sunday night dinners . I found study rooms , a library , and some offices for clergy and such ( starting to sound familiar ? ) . But most importantly , I found a chapel . The building overwhelmingly reminded me so much of Holy Name chaplaincy in Manchester , that I had to sit in the chapel for a while and just exist in that wave of emotion . Several current Tulane students told me that this building was a long time coming , and that it had been in the works for years . They said how lucky I was to be able to experience it . I certainly feel pretty blessed . I can 't remember most of the names of the people I met today , but I remember their smiles . I remember how excited everyone seemed , how happy they were to see new faces , and how welcoming they were . I remember one conversation in particular , and we were talking about future plans . You know , the big " what are you going to do with your degree " conversations , in which you halfway make up some scenario that probably won 't happen because you don 't have the heart to look someone in the eyes and say " I don 't know what I 'm going to do with this degree . " And because this student was considering a career in medicine , I asked if he had looked at any med schools . I , too , remember the days when I wanted to go into medicine . He shook his head and laughed a little . " I 've gotta figure out what He wants for me , " he responded . He nodded at the Blessed Sacrament . And I couldn 't help but smile . If you asked me two years ago , " Where will you be in 2015 ? " I definitely wouldn 't have said New Orleans . But here I am . God works in mysterious ways . I commented to another student ( who was born and raised in New Orleans ) how nice it was that I knew so many people here . So many of my college friends settled here after graduation , and many of them were also born and raised in this area . " New Orleans does that to you , " she responded . " You better watch out , this city is hard to let go of . " I smiled . I 'm starting to realize that exact same thing . I think I can officially call New Orleans " home " now . At least for a little while . |
I 've been talking the last few weeks about going for an elective ultrasound to find out the sex of this sweet baby . I really hadn 't fully made up my mind as to when I would go , but I knew that all of the places around here allowed you to come as early as 14 weeks . I had thought about going sometime this week but I hadn 't called for an appointment . This morning I decided to go ahead and call and see when they had appointments available . I was shocked when they said they had one just a few hours later . I decided to just go for it ! ! I was a little nervous about how it would go but they provide a guarantee that if they can 't determine the sex with confidence then they will allow you to come back at a later date . Emerson and I arrived at 12 : 30 and just as we were checking in , Jesse messaged me that he was on Wifi . I didn 't know if the service would be that great inside the ultrasound room , but we decided to go ahead and try to FaceTime once I got in there . Up until then we thought that we would just have the tech put it in an envelope so that we could find out together when he could call . Right when we got in the room and she got me set up , Jesse called on Facetime . The tech immediately got everything going and asked if we were ready to find out what we were having . We didn 't have a great connection and Jesse couldn 't see the screen that well , but he could hear as she said , " Congratulations ! It 's a baby girl ! " It was such a blessing that he was able to " be there . " After she showed us that it was indeed a girl , she took tons of 2d and 3d pictures . She said our little girl is weighing in at about 4 ounces . It 's crazy that she is that tiny and we could still see everything so clearly ! We saw her waving her arms , kicking her legs , and moving all around . It was awesome and so worth the money ! I 've been saying for a while now that I was pretty sure that it was a girl . While we were traveling to Texas last month we were waiting in the airport in Las Vegas . Across from us sat a mother and her two daughters . They were blonde , fair - skinned , and probably around 10 and 13 years old . I watched them for a while and I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was looking at my life in about 10 years . It may sound crazy but I completely pictured myself sitting there with my two daughters . Since then I 've been pretty adamant that it was a girl , so I wasn 't really surprised when the tech said it 's a girl . Today we are officially two weeks into the deployment . In some ways it has gone by pretty quickly and in others I feel like Jesse has been gone for an eternity . Emerson and I have already gotten into a new routine and kind of set our own schedule so that makes it a little bit easier . But the truth is we are really , really missing Jesse . We look forward to noon every day because that is usually when he calls . Emerson monopolizes the conversations on most days . She just gets so excited when he calls . She usually says " Hi Daddy . What are you doing , Daddy ? " and then she shows him her toys and art she 's been working on . She loves to take my phone and carry it around talking to Jesse . I definitely feel like the weekdays are so much easier than the weekends . We have plenty of scheduled activities during the week that keep us in a routine and keep us busy . This past weekend we didn 't have any plans and that was really hard . I tried to come up with things to keep us both busy , but you can only do so many art projects . We did run a few errands , went grocery shopping , and we had a fun morning at Chick Fil A , but other than that I really felt like the weekend just dragged on forever . I think we are kind of used to being on our own during the week but the weekend has always been our family time and it 's just not the same . I 'm sure as time goes on we will find more activities for the weekend to help stay busy and it will get easier . Overall , I think Emerson has adjusted very well . I know she doesn 't really understand why Jesse is gone but if you ask her where he is she will say he is at work . That being said , I know she is missing him . Yesterday I opened my computer and my wallpaper is a picture of the two of them . She saw it and said , " There 's Daddy ! I miss him . " If that 's not enough to make you cry , then I really don 't know what is . And then on Saturday , a special delivery came . It 's called a Daddy Doll and it 's basically a doll with a picture of a child 's Dad . I had heard of them before but we never needed one before . I ordered it the day after Jesse left and I was really surprised that it came so soon . She hasn 't put it down since then . Daddy has had a tea party , gone for a ride on the Sit N ' Spin and slept with her every night . I am so , so glad I decided to order it . Now I 'm just wondering if it would be weird to order one for myself . . . . Just kidding . Sort of . ; ) So that 's a little deployment update for you . We are doing fine and I know we will make it through but I have to admit it is a little daunting to think about how many more weeks there are to go . At the same time , I have to remind myself just how lucky we are . We are able to talk to Jesse almost daily ! That wasn 't even possible just a few years ago , so it is definitely a huge blessing . I also try to remind myself how lucky I am to be the one left behind . In reality , I think it 's much harder for the guys . Can you imagine leaving your home and your family for 6 or 7 months ? Yes , it is his job but that doesn 't make it any easier . I know just the thought of being away from Emerson that long is just impossible to entertain . I 'm so thankful for everything he does for our family and for our country , even if it means we have to miss him like crazy ! Emerson is getting to that point where she just hates sitting in the grocery cart . I used to be able to entertain her with snacks from home and Mickey on my phone , but she 's over that now . I 've finally resorted to the one thing I said I 'd never do : bribery . This week it was a sprinkle donut . The Great Gatsby was one of my favorite books in high school . I remember reading it several times and just loving it . I saw the Kindle version on sale so I decided to buy and it and reread it . I have to say it wasn 't nearly as good as I remembered it . I did like it but it wasn 't amazing or anything . We 've gotten lots of Facetime in with our favorite guy . It 's been really nice and E is always so happy to see her Daddy . And I don 't know why my head looks so huge in this picture but oh well . I found Dry Erase crayons at Joann 's and I knew they 'd be perfect in the laundry room ( which also serves as our little art room . ) Now our washer is our own personal whiteboard . The crayons work really well and Emerson loved it . I 'm happy to report that it comes off just fine , too . You do have to put a little elbow grease into it . Either way I wasn 't too worried about it . Our washer is old ( one of our first purchases ) so a few crayon marks won 't hurt it anyway . : ) I got a bag of samples from Motherhood Maternity the other day and it included a baby bottle . Emerson was so excited to feed her baby . I think she 's going to be such a great big sister . During Emerson 's dance class , they usually do " fairy dancing . " When she first started , E would just stand there and watch the other kids . We don 't have to worry about that anymore ! During our 12 years of marriage , Jesse and I have lived on 3 continents , in 2 different states , and 7 houses . That 's a lot of moving ! For today 's throwback , I thought it would be fun to look back at all of the places we 've called home . These are mostly exterior pictures with a few interior pictures thrown in . I now realize that I 've done a pretty poor job of documenting the interiors of all of our homes ! Our first 6 months of marriage we lived in a tiny apartment in Jacksonville , North Carolina . It was Jesse 's first duty station and he picked the place out before I arrived . I remember being so excited about the walk - in closet and tiny kitchen . After we got our dog Oscar , we were desperate for a place with a yard . Obviously we couldn 't afford a lot on Lance Corporal 's income but we found a little duplex that we loved . It didn 't have a fence but we saved up enough money to build our own chain link fence for Oscy . I couldn 't find any digital pictures of this house but I know I have them because I bought my first digital camera while we lived here ! : ) This screenshot from Trulia is the best I could do . After I graduated college in 2004 and got a teaching job , we started the hunt for our very first house of our own . We looked for a while and never found anything we loved . Then we came across a neighborhood that was under construction . We picked a floor plan and a lot and we waited patiently for our house to be built . It wasn 't anything fancy but we had some amazing times there and we sure loved it . I also met some of the best friends I have ever had . In 2006 , we both got the itch to move to a bigger house . Even though it wasn 't really necessary because we had plenty of room , we started searching again . There was one neighborhood that was just a few miles away from us that we particularly loved . We ended up choosing another home that was under construction . That night we listed our first house and we had a full price offer the very next day . We closed on our new house in January 2007 . This is the house that we still own and it is currently being leased . I 'd be lying if I said I don 't dream about that house daily . It has almost twice the space as our current place , along with a nice , big backyard . I think of all the places we 've lived , it 's the one that I always think of when I think of " home . " I hope that we get to go back there someday because I have always pictured our kiddos growing up in that house . In 2010 , Jesse was accepted into the MSG ( embassy duty ) program and we received orders to Bujumbura , Burundi in east Africa . We said good bye to North Carolina and moved to Africa in April 2010 . Our house there was large and super nice , especially for the country we were in . The best part was the yard and landscaping . It was just beautiful ! In 2011 we got our second set of orders in the MSG program to Abu Dhabi in the UAE . I 'll be the first to admit that Abu Dhabi was not even on our wish list and it really wasn 't my favorite place in the world , but it sure was a good learning experience . Plus we made lifelong friends there and I will always be thankful for that ! I forgot to note that our housing on the MSG program was assigned to us . We did not choose where to live but we really lucked out both times ! Our house in Abu Dhabi was a townhouse in a complex of about 20 others . It was modern , well kept , and fairly large . It also had tons of storage space ! The only thing we didn 't have was a yard , but that 's pretty much par for the course in Abu Dhabi . Finally , at the beginning of this year we made our most recent move to southern California . We 're currently living in a smaller townhouse in a small suburb . I shared all of the pictures here . Since then , I 've done quite a few updates and little things to make it more homey , but I haven 't taken any pictures . I promise they are coming soon . We really like the neighborhood and there are lots of pluses to living here . I really don 't have any complaints about the place but I do really miss living in a single family home . I miss having a yard , a driveway , and my own space . That being said , we are content here for now and will probably stay for at least another year or until we are completely bursting at the seams ( hello , baby # 2 ! ) Jesse and I joke that we have come full circle when it comes to our living situations . We 've pretty much done it all ! And looking back , we 've been pretty happy in every situation . I think we 've learned that as long as we are together , everything will be alright ! I know it seems like I 'm posting bump updates all the time , but it 's because I keep getting behind ! I am exactly 14 weeks today and I 'm hoping to stay on top of these from now on . I know they can get a bit repetitive , but I didn 't do them every week with Emerson and I 've always wished I would have . So , I 'll try to continue doing them weekly this time around . : ) As I mentioned in my post on Monday , I 'm having to use my tripod to take my bump pictures now and , as you can tell , it 's not really going so well . If they aren 't blurry , then I 've cut off my head , my feet , or some other important body part . So bear with me and hopefully I 'll get better as the weeks progress . For now , this is the best I could get ! : ) Maternity Clothes : Not yet but most regular pants and shorts are no longer an option . Gender : Still debating an elective scan in the next few weeks . . . Eeeek ! ! I 'm still leaning strongly towards girl but I was completely wrong with Emerson so I have to take my intuition with a grain of salt . W Symptoms : I 'm still feeling really good . The bouts of nausea are happening less often and the vomiting is almost completely gone . It 's been amazing ! I was looking back over my posts with Emerson and around 16 weeks I mentioned a return of morning sickness . I 'm just praying that it 's not the case this time around . Most of the aversions are still there but I can finally tolerate coffee again . For about 6 - 7 weeks just the smell of it made me so sick . Now I am enjoying my one cup every morning again . Sleep : Pretty good . I haven 't been napping so I 'm usually exhausted by 9 : 00 . I 'm in bed before 10 : 00 most nights and I 've been sleeping until about 6 : 30 every morning . I definitely can 't complain . Cravings : I 've been eating these egg white english muffin sandwiches every morning . They are so amazing and I feel off if I don 't have one . I 've also been drinking chocolate almond milk with ice every night . I know . I know . So weird . But don 't knock it until you try it ! Best Moment This Week : Having more energy and being able to accomplish quite a few things . Up until this last week I 've barely been keeping up with the housework , much less anything else . Now that I 'm feeling so much better , I 'm finally tackling my miles long to do list . I feel like I 'm also getting back into my groove when it comes to working out . I 'm not doing anything too crazy but I 'm just trying to stay somewhat active if I can . Shopping : I did buy a few maternity items today . I got two dresses and a pair of capris . I can wear them now and I think they have plenty of room to accommodate me as I grow . I haven 't done any shopping baby wise but I have been researching strollers . There are just so many options , I can 't decide what I like . I 've also found a boy nursery " theme " and color scheme that I really like but nothing for a girl that I love . I can 't wait to start decorating ! Emerson is constantly cracking us up with the things she says . She is such a little copycat right now so she repeats a lot of what she hears . She also comes up with some pretty interesting things all on her own and I always wonder where in the world she gets this stuff from . I always say I need to start writing them down but I feel like I forget them so fast . Before I forget these , I wanted to share : She is obsessed with the little stool in the bathroom eventually figured out that she can move it to different places . She uses it to turn on the lights in the living room and reach stuff on the shelves . Yesterday she left the room and I asked where she was going . She didn 't answer me but came back with the stool and said " I need the stool so I can reach higher . " I know there are more that I am forgetting , so I have no doubt that I 'll be back for round 2 . Needless to say , this girl keeps us laughing all day with the silly things she comes up with ! I always tease that she is 2 going on 15 . : ) As you can see , someone was super excited about it . I was shocked because she made it through the whole movie even though it was way past her bedtime . We had so much fun ! ! ! - Tried out a new church . I liked it a lot and plan on going back next week . I hate that I 'm having to continue our search for a church home without Jesse but I 'm praying I 'll find something that fits our family ! Symptoms : This is the best week I 've had yet . I haven 't taken the anti - nausea medication in four days ! ! I 've still had a few spells of nausea and vomiting but overall it is just so much more manageable ! I 'm hoping that this is not just a phase and that it will last . Other than that , I still have some pretty strong aversions to certain foods . I usually love mexican food but the thought of it right now just makes me sick ! We did have Chipotle this weekend and it was good but I don 't see myself eating mexican food again for a long while . I also usually LOVE veggies but I 'm having a hard time eating most of them . I 've been eating a lot of plain salads and some raw veggies but cooked veggies are a definite NO ! Cravings : Ice water . This is so strange because I normally drink my water room temperature . I usually don 't like ice at all and now I can barely drink anything without ice . I have also been craving chocolate milk and I have had some several times a week for the last few weeks . It 's become my replacement for coffee . Shopping : I still haven 't done any shopping but I did clean out the room that will be the nursery . Since we moved in it has been serving as Emerson 's toy room and it was a complete disaster . I was able to get some shelves for Emerson 's closet so that I could move most of the toys and books in there . I know I still have plenty of time to get the nursery done but I will probably go ahead and get started pretty soon after we find out the sex . I cannot wait ! ! Yay for Friday ! We have almost officially survived 5 days without Jesse . I may have a few more gray hairs but other than that we are no more worse for the wear . I have about 10 real posts in draft , but until then here are a few random things on my mind : - I think my urge to nest has hit early because I have gotten SO much done this week . I 've even busted out the power tools a few times . Ok , it was really just the drill but I 'm still pretty impressed with myself . I 'll be sharing pictures of a few of my projects next week . - We have two birthday parties to attend this weekend and I 'm so thankful . Our week has gone by pretty quickly because we have a routine but I 'm kind of nervous about the weekends . We don 't have any scheduled activities so I 'm afraid they may be kind of lonely sometimes . Luckily we won 't have to worry about that this weekend ! - I keep meaning to post my weekly bump updates on Wednesdays but they are late every week because of the picture . I 've mostly been in workout clothes this week , my hair has been a mess , and I haven 't worn much makeup . Not exactly conducive to a good picture but probably a more accurate portrayal of our daily life . Hopefully I 'll get one done today ! ( Thanks to my handy dandy tripod ! ) ; ) - I 'm still working on responding to all of the comments from our pregnancy announcement and my post about Jesse 's deployment . In case I somehow miss you , I 'd like to just take a second to say thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart . Your support and prayers mean the world to me ! - I am SO , SO excited that Suits is back on . I know I have said this before but I am going to say it again : If you are not watching Suits , you must ! It 's probably one of my favorite shows ever . - And while we are on the subject of tv , I 've been looking for a new series to start on Netflix . I 've been watching Army Wives forever now , but it 's kind of boring right now so I just needed a change of pace . I ended up starting Felicity last night . Hello , 1998 ! I never watched it when it was on but I remember everyone loving it so I thought it would be worth a try . It 's really good so far and it 's kind of fun to see how different everything is now ! - All of the sudden I really , really want to redo my blog layout . I just want something new but I have no idea what I want it to look like . I don 't know when I 'll actually do it but don 't be surprised if you stop by one day and it looks totally different ! - I still haven 't reopened Sweet T Kids and I 'm not sure when I will . I have a few projects I want to get done for Emerson and around the house and then I may reopen and just take a few projects at a time . I 'm also thinking once we know the sex and name of the baby I 'll want to make lots of cute things for him / her . In the meantime , if you are looking for someone to do a project for you just email me and I will send you to a friend who does awesome work ! For the last few weeks I have kind of lived in denial about the whole thing . I didn 't really allow myself to process how I was feeling about it or to even think about it for that matter . Of course , all of that changed the day Jesse left . I had no choice but to face it all head on . You see , I don 't really consider myself a crier . Up until Jesse 's departure day , I hadn 't even really cried about it . That 's a good thing in some ways but I also knew that it meant that the day he left would be full of waterworks . And I was right . It started first thing in the morning and went that way on and off all day . We did all of the normal things we do each morning - like eat breakfast - and all I could think was that it was the last time we would do it for at least the rest of 2013 . When it came time for the actual good bye , I was able to hold it together better than I expected but it was still so hard . Knowing that I won 't see my best friend for the rest of the year is bad enough , but watching him say goodbye to our baby girl was enough to just break my heart into a million pieces . She is such a Daddy 's girl and I know she is going to miss him like crazy . I do take comfort in the fact that she won 't probably won 't remember this long term , though . As weird as it sounds , I actually felt relieved once we got the goodbye over with . Yes , it was hard . Yes , I cried . But once it was done I didn 't have the anticipation of it hanging over my head . And now that the deployment has actually started , we can also start the countdown until Jesse comes home ! ( I also have to add that I really couldn 't feel too sorry for myself once I saw another family dropping off their Marine . They had a brand new baby as well as two toddlers . If that momma can do it , surely I can too ! ) It 's only been a few days , but Emerson and I are doing okay so far . We are slowly trying to settle into a routine and find a new normal while Daddy is away . Luckily , Facetime seems to work well and we have already heard from Jesse a few times . It is such a blessing and I know that is going to make this deployment so much easier ! If you pray , I would appreciate your prayers for Jesse and all of the Marines that are deployed with him . Please pray for their safety and their well - being , as well as for strength and comfort for all of the families . Now , hurry up 2014 ! ! ! : ) Welcome ! I 'm Tami . Marine wife and momma to two precious girls . I love Jesus , coffee , crafting and the occasional workout . Join me as I share our little moments . |
If this bird comes fluttering into your day to day life , she may be reminding you that in order to soar , you must know when to move your wings and when to allow the wind to take you to new heights . Furthermore , if you were to sit on a branch looking to the sky and hoping the wind will simply pick you up , you would never move . In other words the Dove meaning in this message is that you must surrender and allow the wind support your wings . Simply get moving so that you can experience the exhilaration of flying higher and higher . Alternatively , in this case Dove meaning could also be letting you know that you need to simply stop and take a few deep breaths . Therefore you must let go of the turmoil that is currently surrounding you and take the time to find peace within you . Hence , what you see right now is reality shifting in ways you never thought possible and that what you are truly looking for is just around the corner . The most chaos happens just before your dreams come true . When this bird happens to be your Spirit Animal or Animal Totem , you are truly one of the most gentle and giving persons on the planet . Moreover , there is a sense of innocence about you that attracts many people to you . The again , there are times that you have difficulty with others , as they tend to take advantage of your pacifistic ways , as well as the calm and serenity that is natural to your being . You are also a natural nurturer and make an excellent parent . Silken Raven 146 Comments John says : June 25 , 2017 at 2 : 03 pm First let me say that I have been dealing with a very bad break up between my girlfriend and I that has left us both devastated . We love each other very much , but we cant seem to figure out a way to find our selves healing and back to being the happy couple we once were . We both admit we love and care for each other very deeply . Yesterday I was driving home on the express way , and noticed a sort of flash to my left as it was very sunny . Flying beside me in an unpopulated area was a white dove ! It seemed to flutter along and then landed in the grassy medial area . as I continued to drive I felt a sense of relief and confidence I had not had in months . Can any one tell me what this means about my relationship ? Reply DORIS says : May 11 , 2017 at 2 : 26 pm Every morning when I leave for work , there is a Collared Dove on the light pole across the street . I say good morning to her and go to work . On the way to work I always stop at McDonald 's and never see doves there at all . Reply Maux says : May 9 , 2017 at 7 : 45 am This morning while getting dressed for work , 2 mourning doves landed outside my 2nd story bedroom window on the narrow 2 ″ ledge . I live in a large condo complex , so this was only the 2nd time since living here in 14 years that I had a feathered visitor appear outside my " bedroom " window ledge . The doves were in courtship . She was cooing to him as she ruffled her feathers . I can only hope that this is a sign for a love relationship for me . Any thoughts ? Reply Jo says : May 10 , 2017 at 7 : 00 am Maria , dear one , you are not responsible for his happiness . Only he can find that joy and peace within himself . Your dove is a heavenly messenger , dear one . It offers the peace and love that surpasses all understanding . I once had a dove stand in front of an open gate and block my path through it . The dove fixed its gaze on me , stared into me and would not let me pass until it had drained all the grief within me . My mother - in - law had just died . That is the power of the dove . Reply Brooke says : April 13 , 2017 at 7 : 46 am Hoping for some clarification on this , I haven 't been able to find anything online . Anyways , I have a potentially great career opportunity , it would all depend on my performance . I have a job now but would like to make more money , and this change could make that happen . I 'm super scared I won 't do well and fall on my butt , and then my family would suffer from the loss of income . So I prayed to God for the clarity and strength and for him to let me know in some way if this is something I should go after . A few days after I started praying about it , I was at a stop sign and two white doves flew in front of me . I 'm just trying to figure out what this means . Reply Jo says : April 30 , 2017 at 9 : 47 am You are at a Stop sign . Stop . Take a few deep breaths . Slow your breathing . Let go of the turmoil . Stand in the quiet eye to make your decision , in the calm , not in the shifting winds that will knock you about . Reply Lucy says : April 6 , 2017 at 3 : 16 pm I had a dream where a dove was on a branch of a huge pruned oak tree . As I walked up to the tree , I reached up and held my finger out to the bird . It hopped down the branch to the tip of the tree and hopped onto my finger . As I stroked it gently on the head , I noticed that it had a large injury on its chest . I tucked the bird into my blouse to carry it home to try and clean the wound and nurture it back to health . Before I could get it home , the bird looked up at me with the sweetest and most gentle eyes before it spread it 's wings wide and up over its head and it died . As I laid the bird on the ground I began to sob and it slowly disappeared into the earth . Any thoughts ? Reply Kat says : April 24 , 2017 at 11 : 51 am Your dream gave me goosebumps . The first thing that came to mind to me is the dove represented you . The injury represented something inside of you that was broken or damaged and was ready to be healed and released . When you tucked the Dove into your shirt with the intent to heal it ( yourself ) you were giving yourself permission to let go now . The Dove ( maybe your inner child ) acknowledged you by making that strong eye connection . You must have felt so much inner love at that moment . With you releasing this your wings can now spread as wide as you want them and you can " fly " or achieve anything . The sobbing is saying goodbye to whatever it was you released . The Dove went into the earth because the Universe absorbs negativity , pain and hurt when we release it . Reply Yuh hei Tan says : March 20 , 2017 at 9 : 37 pm Lately I 've been sailing on stormy seas , going back and forth from our own house which is 50mins . Away to my Mother - in - law 's house . My quiet life turned into tormoil when my Mother - in - law lost her consciousness because of Alzheimer 's disease . Then I noticed this 1 dove , this dove is always outside the house regardless whether I 'm in my own house or in my Mother - in - laws house . The most intriguing thing is that the color of the dove is the same and I guess it 's the same dove . Today before I left my own house to go to my mother - in - law 's house I once again saw the bluewish gray dove I know it 's a dove and not a pigeon cause it 's small . Reply Danyel says : March 5 , 2017 at 3 : 06 pm Since the beginning of last month ( February ) until today , I have a steady increase in the amount of morning dives that flock to me feeder . What started as two , has increased to 12 . I keep feeding them ( there is still snow here ) but I feel there is a message that comes with them . I 've also noticed some other coincidences such as arrival times etc . Can anyone help with advice as the meaning of this ? Reply Derek Merriam says : March 18 , 2017 at 7 : 45 pm That 's great mini . , the biggest thing we all forget is the simple things , the things that normally humble us when we start taking things we have for granted . . I have had this happen to me a lot , , both when I was financially rich prettymuch and also when I 'm not even getting by and falling deeper into this hole that the world has set up for us . . But like your doing now , I try and take the best things out of my life and remind myself they are all there waiting for me to do again or just look at whatever . . It 's all relative to our experience . This financial roller coaster thing that we all ride and my personal one unfortunately this time I think it 's here to stay . . So we adapt . . Smaller house , places we don 't want to live , , loss of the ability to do anything with my family cuz there 's no $ , , etc but I now take let 's say the comment above that I can 't do anything with my family cuz there 's no $ and remember the things I can do that require no $ with them . . Having done this now I find that I had forgotten its these things I really should have been doing all along because now I 'm going outside with my son for hrs building a tree fort or walking in the forest , , and getting to spend solid time with him and my wife . . I 'm glad your finding it easier mentally now mini . . Keep it up and you will soon find no matter what position life puts you in you will be happy regardless as your list of what 's important has changed to things that the world cannot take away … Reply Kiki says : February 22 , 2017 at 4 : 43 am I had 2 mourning doves land and sing right outside my patio door were I go to meditate . They were so loud that I walked over to the patio to see what was going on . One flew away and the other was just sitting there looking back at me for a while we couldn 't take our eyes off each other and then it calmly flew away . I 've been doing some serious spiritual work lately and I 'm still confused as to what that could have meant . Reply Cindy says : March 4 , 2017 at 3 : 01 am I have been a card reader , palmist , message medium and witch for many years , and the Rock Dove has turned out to be my spirit animal . They come in my house through the dog door and allow me to pick them up and stroke them without struggle before I put them back outside . Doves can mate for life , so if one member of a mated pair stayed behind with you , it could mean that you are avoiding the love that can come from taking the risk of trying . If you are in a relationship , it can mean that you need to take some space and time for yourself . Either way , separation from others can result in loneliness out of fear , or result in in knowing yourself and your needs better . Only you can interpret this for yourself . Reply Wanda says : March 13 , 2017 at 1 : 14 pm Kiki . That 's crazy because on February 22 my children dads died . I never saw a Dove that color n my Dove did the same thing to me it looked at me for awhile and then he flew away . It means God is sending you Peace in advance because you are a special to God . God loves you . Reply Lyric says : March 14 , 2017 at 10 : 56 pm It means New Beginning . Whether it is a relationship , employment or the act of some rebirth and / or creation of sort . With new beginnings , there is also the letting go and surrendering the old to fully embrace the new . Reply John says : February 17 , 2017 at 8 : 30 am Hi , can someone help me interpret and advise . There has long been a population of morning doves that live in a tree line behind my house , and lately there has been an active pair of hawks ( I think Redtail or Praire ) , and on two recent occasions I have found a pile of dove feathers in my yard … Never seen that before , but obviously they were killed by something . I have been on a spiritual journey lately making prayer sticks , and wondering if I should use those feathers . The most recent prayer stick is to help enhance communication and healing , ( I have recently become a performer delivering happy healing ) . Does anyone have an idea what it could mean if hawks are killing morning doves , should I use those feathers , and how might it relate to my prayer stick of communication and healing ? Reply Danielle Douglas says : February 19 , 2017 at 2 : 06 pm Yes use the feathers . From death comes life . Simply put you witnessed the circle of life . Think of them as a devine gift . ( You may want to wash them tho . ) but keep in mind they were left for you to create something positive . May the great spirt guid you lovingly . Reply John says : February 21 , 2017 at 10 : 36 am Thank you Danielle ! I have used some of those feathers with my prayer stick , and plan to use the rest for other purposes . I honored and thanked the dove , my spirit guides and angels for the gift . Understand about the circle of life - but wasn 't sure if the hawk played a symbolic role . I am in the process of shifting from the leopard as a power animal to the hawk . Dove symbolize peace , love and messengers from the divine . Hawks also symbolize messengers as well visionary attributes and aggressively pursuing objectives . There 's the old adage you are what you eat , , , so just trying to reconcile hawk and dove which seem diametrically opposed … Seeing a dove at your door is very good , it 's all about hope and this dove is coming or rather being sent to you for the purpose of telling you that you really need to re - connect with your spiritual side . Now the sadness and turmoil your going through spiritually happens at times in our lives that just seem too tough to bare , I can tell that you are having a hard time getting that feeling back . The emotional state your in is a tough one , and I feel very close to what your going through as I just not long ago had the same battle , , many times I wanted to give up , , it 's that feeling of hopelessness that hurts I know , , BUT the gift of having a dove sent to you at these low moments is amazing , , someone on sprit side is really trying to help you get things back so that things get better , the dove your seeing is one of the most beautiful ways that messages can be sent , , you have a angel watching you Minnie , , you need to focus on the things in your life that brought you happiness and use that and new things to get your spirit back , , , you may feel like there not much hope but I 'm being told to tell you to keep fighting the dove is a sign that things will get better and as I said it 's almost a Devine thing to get this type of thing happening . If your willing to stick it out you will get help emotionally you will feel this uncontrollably joy and happiness , but it comes when you meet it half way . . You need to get out of that rut your in Hun and get back the joy . Someone really loves you for this type of thing to be happening , to have Angels sending doves with the request of a family member that has passed I feel . . More then one too . You have this cheering section of light Minnie . I know this because I 'm a light worker myself and I have been on the dark side of things for over 10 yrs in my past . . And I know it 's difficult but keep your head up you have a gift yourself , , you hear things it 's just that there is so much spiritual fog that it 's hard for you to get the clear version , , that doves was sent to you from a very powerful place and I hope you do whatever you have to to get that joy back , , I promise this , you are not alone . . Your surrounded by family in spirit and Angels … It 's pretty cool to see … Reply Derek Merriam says : March 1 , 2017 at 8 : 37 am Hi Minnie I have sent you mail . Always remember that new beginnings are exactly that , we start over , it 's not always easy and the journey that is most difficult always brings the most reward . stay positive and trust in yourself . Seek help where we can , help others when we can and love as much as we can . . Reply Cindy says : March 4 , 2017 at 3 : 21 am I am so sorry to hear about your problems , Minnie . Rock Doves are my spirit animals , and I take joy in having them in my yard ( and occasionally in my home , they come in my dog door and allow me to pick them up and stroke them while carrying them back outside ) . If one in particular is coming to you , it could mean that you can 't bring yourself to ask for help . If you know anyone who can help you , please bring yourself to ask them , they could be the answer to your prayers . I do readings for others , and have been a message medium and witch for many years . I am drawing a card for you now : Okay , your card ( from World Map ) is " Flying " . And it is NOT just a coincidence . The overall meaning is that you have the power to see things from a higher perspective , you are allowing yourself to be pulled under instead of rising out of your situation . Looking down and seeing yourself and what you have accomplished will show that your hard work will allow you to fly above your circumstances if you just let it . Depression drags you down to the point that you see nothing but darkness , but allowing yourself to step away and look at your life objectively will give you the ability to move out of this " hopeless " point in your life . I agree with Derek , he is right from a spiritual point of view , and from a more MATERIAL point of view , take a breath and look around for everything you can be grateful for . This exercise works to lift your spirits and allow you to see where you need to ask for help , and where you can help YOURSELF . The Dove wants you to know there is always love enough to go around if you look for it . There is money enough to go around if you look for it . This goes for friendship , jobs , food , assistance and any other earthly thing you need . Don 't give up . You are being offered the strength to stand up and fight for your life and love and joy . Giving up is easy . Trying is hard , but always worth it . Bless you , and I hope this has helped a little . Reply Ammonite85 says : January 17 , 2017 at 1 : 47 pm I have a pigeon ( rock dove ) who came to me while i was out doing some gardening in my yard , she now lives with me and my family , and flies free during the day and sleeps in the sunroom with our dogs at night . I think she represents all that is written above as it is all very relevant to my life right now . But I think she has an extra message for me as she flew away one day and didn 't come home for 2 weeks , but while she was away she learnt affection and is now very affectionate to me . Over the past week I have seen a big beautiful wood pigeon ( new Zealand wood pigeon Google it they 're lovely ) fly past my house twice but there are no forests near here so I don 't know where it is coming from or going to . Feels spiritual to me . Reply Whisperer says : February 3 , 2017 at 9 : 24 am Hi I have these two doves that are mated that come down onto my grass and they aren 't afraid of me . But the male I know he is a male cause I feel it spiritually because I can communicate with animals but he always looks at me and then flies right over my head almost touching me he then lands on the roof and looks at me . The once he even answered me by cooing and then flying over me . When ever I come out side all the other birds fly away but he stays . What does this mean ? I 'm almost 12 and its really confussing me ! Plz tell me what it means . I also feel calm around it . Reply Cindy says : March 4 , 2017 at 3 : 37 am The Rock Dove ( Pigeon ) is also my spirit animal . You are seeing another breed of this bird because ALL pigeons ( not doves ) are feral , meaning they were brought here from other countries by people and were domesticated animals . Irresponsible people would get tired of taking care of them and release them to the wild , which is why you only see flocks of pigeons near people - homes , in cities , neighborhoods . They are equivalent to stray dogs and cats , and come to people for food and comfort . These birds are drawn to you because they are YOUR spirit animals too ! I can see / speak with spirit , and have a 14 year old boy that I work with who is also psychic and a sensitive ( he also feels spirit and can communicate with them ) . It appears that you share this gift with us , and I am SO glad that you realize it . I have a family made up of a HUGE male , female , and a yearling son that live in and around my yard / house as well . Occasionally the son comes in my dog door and lets me pick him up . Pigeons / doves have virtually NO ability to protect themselves , with soft beaks and claws , so if you get to hold one , be careful not to frighten it . They mean that you are kind , gentle , psychic and attract spirits ( NOT the same as ghosts , that just stick around on earth for whatever reason ) . Spirits go to the other side and come back on occasion to give messages to loved ones , or encouragement to those like you and I . Don 't worry , just enjoy their presence , and know they stay because they trust you ! They actually eat people food , but don 't need to be fed unless there is no grass around . You are absolutely right to feel calm with them , they have nothing but trust and are drawn to your gentle nature . Good luck , and maybe start getting some books or Tarot cards to start honing your skills . Mine started when I was 9 , but I was too frightened to use my abilities until I was grown . I 'm glad you are smarter than I was ! I will have to tell your story to Cameron , my friends that trains with me . Lots oReply Melissa Wozniak says : December 16 , 2016 at 5 : 29 am Hello on Wednesday a collared Dove flew into our barkyard while we were outside . He or she came so close now the dove is coming everyday and we now can feed him / her . I was driving , heading on to the freeway , when suddenly my car turns off . I try to put my emergency lights on and pull over . I look ahead of me and see that the freeway is completely empty now , and there are no cars , it 's completely dark . Next , I look up at the sky and see a huge white dove flying , almost looking like a cloud , and angel dressed in a white robe is also in the sky but is coming towards me . I lock my door , think to myself this is it , the end . I wonder why I am alone and think of my children . I say a prayer to God to please forgive me for my sins and selfishness . Then I wake up . Reply Perla says : January 28 , 2017 at 5 : 34 am You have a fear of being alone by the choices you 've madw . You believe that in troubled times youll have to endure them . alone . The dove is showing you no matter what you are not alone . Youd benefit from reading The Four Agreements . Reply Lucy says : December 28 , 2016 at 10 : 41 pm On Christmas morning a white dove appeared in my garden carrying a stick in its beak . This is very unusual as they are definately not native to my area . I was busy over christmas and did not see it much again until december 27 . When it appeared on the morning of the 28th i saw another white dove fly down next to it . They have already begun building a nest in my tree and seem to now reside permanently in my garden . Reply Sandi says : December 8 , 2016 at 10 : 12 pm On Saturday , December 3 , 2016 I was sitting on my back porch relaxing and watching the neighboro 's horses … I find great pleasure in watching these beautiful animals , when all of a sudden a white dove flew in front of me and around a bit , then landed on the ground in front of me and started crying . I don 't mean the normal cooing that they do , I actually mean crying . If anyone knows the meaning of this , I would greatly appreciate the in sight . Reply Joanne says : September 25 , 2016 at 6 : 45 pm On September 6 . I went to visit the cemetery where my father and mom 's stone is ( mom was cremated ) . Then left to ride by they 're old home . And turning to leave the street a pure white dove was sitting to my right as if it followed me there . I didn 't know how rare a sighting of dove is until i looked on the internet . Reply Alexa Byers says : October 7 , 2016 at 11 : 09 pm I had something similar happen today . I buried my dad today . He was 94 years old . His ashes were put into the have with my mother . Later in the afternoon my sister and I were going through old family pictures . I went out to the mailbox , and gray turtle dove flew right in front of me and landed on a wire . I looked up and there was another dove sitting next to her . They seemed very happy to be together . Reply ashley says : September 21 , 2016 at 7 : 29 pm I found a baby mourning dove hoppling around my yard . My dog almost got her so i picked her up and she was perfectly . Content in my hand . She perched right on my hand while i took my dog to the park and back . I had to go to work so i took her to my shed and made a nest for her . mourning doves are one of the only species of birds that the mother will come back even with human scent . When i came home from work the nest was undisturbed empty and my baby dove was gone . Reply Phil says : September 19 , 2016 at 4 : 17 am Hi , last night I went for a walk near an old chapel , it was quite dark so wasnt sure if I saw a dove or a pigeon but he was just sat on the arm of a bench all alone . He seemed quite peaceful , not in pain and when I went closer to him , he didnt show any signs of flying away . I was only about 6ft away and we looked at each other for a few minutes and I made a small noise and he was moving his head with interest . I think we shared a connection - it felt like it . After a few minutes I walked away and left the bird sat still on the bench . The area by the chapel is very peaceful and was used to be run by monks in around the 13th C . In the last year I have got significantly more spiritual and wondering would anyone have any idea what the significance of this was or could be ? It certainly felt positive and it was only by chance that I felt the need to go for a spontaneous walk ( so wondering if that was meant to happen ? ) What does it mean to see 4 doves ? It 's strange , I 've never seen doves flying on my balcony before and just so happens saw 4 of them flying in on my balcony this morning . Thanks ! Reply Colin says : August 30 , 2016 at 12 : 29 am I can 't find anything on google so whenever someone has an answer please help me … I saw 3 black birds fly by and minutes later a white dove flew right in front of my face and glided around me but then flew away , more time passed and i saw the 3 black birds come back heading in the direction of the dove except one stayed behind and stared at me … After this encounter i just walked back inside ( I was working at the time on break thinking about things ) I just don 't understand why the one black bird stared at me from the roof top I can interpret things on a spiritual level . So if you will here is my opinion as to why this event has taken place . The black birds is a good sign that all of your sorrows and worries regarding your dreams , finances and i 'm sensing you may be in a relationship your uncertain about has come to pass . It appears that the thoughts you had was like a prayer to the universe how the heck can i get out of this situation into something better . Know that your thoughts are powerful energy magnets which attracts to you immediate answers from God . The black bird starring at you was that of a guardian ( call it angel or spirit guide ) it was letting you know that the universe heard your concerns and things in your life will take an immediate positive shift if you trust and believe great things will follow . You must let go of all fear of the unknown and your life will blossom . The dove surrounded you to let you know that peace of mind about any concerns you may have will surface in your life . The dove is saying please let go of your worries . Peace is around the corner . Reply Evon Koeppen says : November 21 , 2016 at 12 : 24 pm I really like your vision and description of this . I had a dream that 2 white doves and a raven flew by me . I was on a mountains edge looking down into a beautiful open green valley . Reply Sara says : October 4 , 2016 at 10 : 48 am Black birds are messengers of magic . They remind you of the higher purpose and to trust in your abilities . Doves are messengers of peace . They bring calm and contentment . a signal for you trust and let life and the universe work for you . Trust your instincts . Reply Ella Goldsmith says : October 23 , 2016 at 7 : 30 am The broken wing represents a special needs child or a sick loved one . The dove represents peace and tranquility . It is letting you know everything is going to be ok . Landing in your pinky finger and waking up hurting . Is so you wont forget . Reply Jen Joy says : January 23 , 2017 at 7 : 32 pm I was diagnosed with Severe Aplastic Anemia . Then hurricane Sandy destroyed my home . I also survived abusive relationships . When my home was repaired and I fought the Severe Stage of Aplastic Anemia I noticed that a beautiful white dove was perched on the balcony . I thought she was lost , yet when I started to see her fly towards me in various places I knew that this was not a coincidence . It is rare to see a white Rock Dove in Staten Island , New York . I also recovered from an extremely toxic relationship . Perhaps she visited to bring us blessings and to let us know that miracles happen . After all , I am alive . I do not need blood , platelets or cells to live anymore . Perhaps the dove visited you to bring you a blessing . Reply Kate Winchester Montanez says : July 15 , 2016 at 1 : 20 am Hi , i just wanna know what this means , ok here you go , this my story . I just quit my job before this happened . I arrived at home and went upstairs to rest but all of the sudden there was a bird with green to yellow feather that entered our home and it was like panicking and flying in circles . I was afraid to go upstairs coz im afraid of birds . i know it was a small bird but im just afraid of them . i was afraid bec i know something must be happening . You would not see a bird in the middle of the night without any means . i went down and take time coz i was thinking maybe he was just disappear but no after few minutes the bird was still there . Still flying in a circular motion . I was trying to pretend that i did not see it and went upstairs as fast as i could and went to sleep . morning comes and i did not see the bird anymore . maybe it flew already . i checked the net and i searched all kinds of birds with green feather or yellowish . . i saw the turtle dove and i can say they look like the same . Reply Leslie says : July 2 , 2016 at 11 : 57 am Two nights ago I had a dream about a white dove . I was a city bus passenger in an unfamiliar part of town and the bus driver had to go up this hill and we came to an enclosed bus plafform or bus station . Lots of people on the platform and I said that I never knew this location every existed . A white dove flew in and landed on my head , just siting there . I was amazed at this and then I said to a man next to me that we ought to release the dove outside . He was able to to hold the dove and released it so that it flew outside . I know that the dove represents the Holy Spirit and glad tidings . I am thankful and waiting for my blessings after 8 years of financial hardship , toil , health problems , etc . Reply Terry Zogg says : May 30 , 2016 at 11 : 03 pm Two years ago today my mother passed away . I went out on my balcony and saw a rare sight a dove sitting on the wall just below me . I 'm on the second story . I took pictures of this rare sight in Long Beach ca . I went down stairs and started taking more pictures getting closer and closer thinking the dove will soon fly away . To my surprise I was able to come within inches with my phone flashing snapshots . I then reached out and touched the dove . Thank you for your blessings Lord and I love and miss you so much mom . I am in tears again … May God bless us all . Reply Ellaine says : May 26 , 2016 at 11 : 18 pm This is really weird but last night i dreamed about a white dove talking in a deep but gentle and calm voice . I don 't remember what he is saying in my dream . And he offered to carry me on his back to my destination . I kept telling him the direction to my house and saying " this way ! this way ! " but he doesn 't listen to me . Instead i feel him say " i know where we are going " . But he talked to me on his mind . Everytime i am pointing him on a specific direction , it always turned out that it really is not the right direction . And when we finally landed , it is in front of our old house . It 's been so many years since we moved out . And then i woke up . It really is a weird dream . I 'm trying to remember what the dove is saying in my dream but only a little i can remember . Reply Amy says : May 21 , 2016 at 8 : 51 am My husband and I are having issues . He has been really moody , stressing over money etc and it is putting a strain on us . I have been thinking of leaving him , as him and my son from a previous relationship are always at odds . This morning a dove hovered under my back porch roof while I was sitting there , then I came inside and looked out my front door and there was another one hovering under the porch roof . What if anything does this mean ? Reply Dd says : May 16 , 2016 at 6 : 39 am My boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch , I returned from a trip and I dove was sitting in my bedroom window looking at me . Later that day I went to my bf 's and we talked about our next steps and my need to know myself better before settling down . That morning while talking a dove came to his kitchen window while we hugged and cried . I went home an hour later and was folding clothes in my room and a dove came to my window again , sitting on the ledge and peering in at me . I can 't help but think it 's a sign for me to spread my wings and know things will work out between the two of us . I hit a morning dove with my truck on the way to work . It landed up on the lower part of my windshield . It was still alive and it was starring at me while it died . I drove a different way to work because I didn 't want it to fall off onto the highway . I believe this little bird has saved me from some tragedy , like a car accident . God works his magic in mysterious ways and offered one of his beautiful creatures to alter my path at that time . I am saddened that it died , but I am happy that His plan for me goes on . Reply Brandon says : April 4 , 2016 at 9 : 04 am So I live in the mountains and have a super predator of a cat . The cat was asleep on the seating part of the picnic table when a brown dove landed on the table part looked down at the cat . The cat woke looked at me and laid her head down ( like it 's not here for me ) and went back to sleep . It looked at me for a minute and left . Huh ? Besides my cat not making a simple lunch of the dove that was very surreal . Any thoughts Reply Kate Sherry says : March 27 , 2016 at 4 : 11 pm I just had two doves fly smack into my living room window . Both died I find it strange that this happened on Easter in the late afternoon . I have lived here 24 years and never had a bird hit this window . Is this a warning ? Is it to wake me up ? I feel worried and don 't know if I should . Reply Candice says : February 10 , 2016 at 2 : 15 pm I have TEN mourning doves sitting on a tree outside my bedroom window ! They were feeding on my patio . I 've never encountered that many together ! Any thoughts ? Reply An says : January 3 , 2016 at 2 : 54 am I had a rough year and was thinking about getting a divorce . My husband and me were going to a counsellor , but it didn 't bring me the help and clarity I needed . When I walked with my husband a dove flew over our heads and touched my cheek and head with its wing . I feel blessed . I need signs in my life like that , natures guiding me . Reply Donna Hamilton says : April 30 , 2016 at 11 : 08 pm I was driving to work when three gray doves in flight together flew in front of my car . Any significance of this ? Also in this same day with the doves , I saw 4 hawks fly on my way to a town 60 miles away from where I live . Each hawk flew alone . I have also had a red cardinal appear to me numerous times in the past 6 yrs . Sometimes it allows me to get quite close to it . I had an old boyfriend from high school who I loved dearly pass away 10 yrs ago . I have often thought it was him . Could this be ? Reply Frankie says : June 24 , 2016 at 7 : 38 pm It very well could be my family and I think that my aunt myrtle comes as a dove and crazy story I find my parakeet dead so we went to the pet store to get a new bird and I see a dove we go into the aviary there and the dove flies over to me I felt absolutely blessed and we got the dove and she an amazing bird and very loving . So moral of the story is some spirits come as animals especially birds . This most likely means that he is watching over you and is your guardian angel and that he will be with you and support you from a far . Gmail me if you feel like talking about this Reply LuNi says : December 17 , 2015 at 2 : 31 pm Today I had to let go of my dear greyhound , Baby Girl . For days I had been observing a woodpecker in a neighboring tree who caught my attention again today . As I walked over towards the tree to get a closer look he then flew back to a tree nearest to the house . This tree had several doves , each expanding their wings at different times , flying from branch to branch . I did a 360 to view all other treetops in the skyline , none had birds in them . I knew right then it was my baby girl sending me that beautiful display …… she knew me that well . It is better to have loved and lost , then never to have loved at all . Tennyson . No more pain , no more tears . I saw a gray pigeon / dove flew at our window looks very healthy and looks like he wanted to get in so I open the door but this bird just stand on the bench . So I took photos and video as a remembrance . Later this after the kids at the church saw this bird and so very excited of telling me that theirs bird on our patio . Saw I wanted to catch it bit was up on the trasses on the roof . Reply Claira says : November 3 , 2015 at 1 : 19 pm Hi , so this afternoon is a very stormy and rainy one , I 'm driving home from work and I see a row of black birds with a pure white dove sitting in the center of them all on a power line , I 'm not sure what this means but it made me feel very happy and it was very beautiful . I even got a photo . Can anyone tell me what this could mean ? Reply Kayleigh says : October 18 , 2015 at 12 : 17 pm My fiancé and I were expecting our first baby . We were told at our first scan we were 7 weeks and 5 days . I experienced some bleeding - not much at all - no cramping , no other symptoms . I was referred to the Early Pregnancy Unit a week before our 12 week scan just to check to see if everything was okay . We were told we had miscarried and the baby hadn 't passed and I need to go in to have the baby removed . When we got home from this news , I was in the garden and sitting on top of a nearby house was a grey pigeon and a white one sitting next to one another . I 've read online this is a sign of peace . I do hope our baby ' peanut ' is safe and being looked after . It was a message from above . RIP little one ? ⭐️ Xxx Reply Tom Singingcrow says : September 3 , 2015 at 10 : 28 am This morning as I was going to my mailbox , I saw a white dove walking in and around my driveway . It had a blue leg band . I sent an email to my state wildlife agency . Don 't know if they are the one who banded it . Reply Carolynn says : August 21 , 2015 at 1 : 12 pm Hi , last week I was watering my front garden , and all of a sudden , out the corner of my left eye I seen something . I looked down , and beside my left foot a dove sitting there . Not afraid at all of me . I thought " oh he is thirsty . He walked over took a drink , came back to my foot , then walked to the other side of the garden , took another drink , came back , and walked over my foot . I couldn 't believe this . Walked up my driveway , went under the truck . Stayed for awhile then walked down the driveway and disappeared . I haven 't seen him since . What does this mean ? Reply Sandra says : August 21 , 2015 at 1 : 04 pm I was walking and carrying a heavy load , when I stopped to take a breath … a perfectly white dove flew around me . It was so perfectly white that it glowed ! I was totally amazed . . Was this a sign from God ? Reply Lee says : April 8 , 2016 at 2 : 17 pm My DEAR FRIEND , YES . I WAS TRAVELING HOME ONE EVENING IN THE DARK , BACK IN 2000 , WHEN MY CAR CAME TO A HALT , A BRIGHT APPEARED , IN AND OUT SIDE MY CAR , A WHITE DOVE APPEARED IN FRONT OF ME AND STARTED TO SING AND THEN FLEW AWAY A FEW SECONDS LATER , AT THE TIME I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK , SINCE THAT TIME I HAVE BEEN FILLED WITH THE " HOLY GHOST " . PLEASE RESEARCH NOAH ' S ARK REGARDING THE RAVEN AND THE DOVE . Reply Andrew says : August 7 , 2015 at 11 : 01 am Please help me understand what I have going on . This never happens and now in the last 3 days I had 2 dove land on a fence outside my pick up not 6 feet away eye level with me I rolled down my window they didn 't fly . I moved my arms around they didn 't fly . Then the next day a young dove is on the dog fence watching through the kitchen window . An hour later he was still there so I walked outside walked right up to him and picked him up off the fence . Thinking he was hurt or to young to fly I brought him inside and he just sat there on my finger for 10 minutes I then set him in a box with food and water . 30 min later I go to check on him he is on top of my light fixture he can fly ! Why are wild dove doing this right now ? Also other wild bird species are landing incredibly close to me and not spooking away . Non of this has ever happened before Reply Kylie says : July 25 , 2015 at 5 : 24 pm The other day I saw 3 pure white doves on the road . I never seen white doves before and to see 3 together . I was in aww and instantly felt that they symbolise a message , i had to know . So glad for this site 🙂 Reply Irma says : July 23 , 2015 at 7 : 54 pm 🙂 : God bless everyone ! Today I experienced something extraordinary . So beautiful in its own way . My husband and I were taking a walk with our two children . We were having a beautiful walk . My two daughters and I were having a conversation when we heard my husband say , " Hay , they are going to tow our truck ! " We all said , oh ! Smack . My twelve year old daughter ran to see but she still was a little far from the truck , but we all followed behind her . My husband turned back at me and said , " I don 't know if it was a bird or ? I looked at him . Then said well at least you maid her run and she 's done for her exercise . We laughed ! He said to her Run , run as fast as you can . When my husband and I got there mu daughter said , " Mom , look ! " The first thing i saw was a beautiful white collar dove sitting on the left side of the windshield of the truck . It seemed as if it was waiting for us . I told him to get closer to it and extend his arm to it . It looked as if it looked at me then to them and then it flew away to the back of the truck then went up , and disappeared . The first thing in my head was this is a message from god . We all prayed and i got on the phone to look uo what it meant . This is where i am at right now . I had to leave a message for everyone to read . To me is so calming and so serene because we have gone through so much this past four years . I am pregnant now and and I 've told my husband that I am somehow changing in my ways , ways in which i don 't feel angered with the people of my past that drove me to all things I 've been going through . It was a god sent message . Reply Audrey says : June 24 , 2015 at 3 : 16 pm I have a dove who has been hanging around my back yard for months . She 's a mourning dove who has a very distinct rosy colored chest . This dove often sits on one of my lawn chairs and stares in the window for hours … . . usually most of the day . This has gone on for so long , my kids notice when she 's not there . At least once a day , this bird flies against window as if trying to land on the screen . Not hard , just enough to get out attention . I 've heard of more aggressive birds doing this , but never a dove . Maybe it 's nothing , but I live in the mountains . There are thousands of birds who fly around here , but this one is different …… . at least I sense " she 's " different . I 'd be forever grateful for any and all opinions as to what this may mean . Thank you . Reply carol says : July 2 , 2015 at 1 : 20 pm the day my grandson was born [ las t week ] 2 doves lay on the grass next to me for hours while I paced about waiting for news . yesterday he had to go to hospital with an infection and I was worried . a baby dove sat on a brach inches above my head , I spoke to it and it listened , and it did not move all afternoon , even when my dog barked at it . lovely . Reply kelly says : June 7 , 2015 at 9 : 56 am Not to long ago , I was driving to my work and when I got to a stop light … I saw 3 white doves sitting on the wire above me … they seemed to glow . Can 't describe it … . i have had a lot struggles this year . . emotionally , financially , spiritually , etc . … Reply Martha says : March 27 , 2015 at 6 : 19 pm I dreamed of MANY baby white dove right in front of me outside of the glas s wall , they fluttered all around . Felt hope peace love and a feeling of something coming soon ! What does this mean ? Reply Rasheed says : February 22 , 2015 at 1 : 53 pm I dreamt i was in a place where there is trees and then found dead doves on the floor abd some of them was alive flying around . Then one dove flew straight right on my stomach and then i woke up . Can someone pls helo me witg this Reply Stevie says : February 20 , 2015 at 1 : 27 pm Yesterday , I was scrolling my Twitter feed an this dove came to my window , landed on my a / c for 2 or 3 seconds then flew away . Then later came back for 2 or 3 seconds an then flew away , and that was it . What does this mean ? Reply Iscah says : January 23 , 2015 at 10 : 31 am When I was maybe five years old , I had my first spirit animal dream . I was pushing through heavy underbrush , lost in the woods , when a dove landed on my shoulder . It whispered in my ear , " Watch out … Your enemy is behind you . " I turned to see a large brown bear towering over me with a snarling countenance before waking up . Reply r says : January 19 , 2015 at 8 : 45 am So today I dreamed of a dove , this is how my dream went I was outside it was dark and I could see the clouds that were purple / black / dark and there was a hole up in the cloud and I could see blue sky up there and suddenly I see a dove fly around then it goes down and die . I don 't know what it means but can someone tell me what my dream met ? Please ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Reply Michelle says : December 23 , 2014 at 10 : 32 pm When sitting next to the ocean in an early morning quiet time , I prayed to know the things that God wished for me to stop giving my life force energy to any longer . I wrote down three things . The third was the word ' Grieving ' . In a few moments , I noticed three doves flying closely together . I watched them fly away together until they were out of view , visualizing myself letting go of the three behaviors . I was supernaturally surprised when I found that the Mourning Dove had chosen to be my spirit animal and teach me the lesson of learning to fly again . Reply Janice says : December 13 , 2014 at 8 : 51 am I dreamt I was a dove , walking not flying . Happy feeling . I traveled with an elephant and a rock . The rock was alive and could talk . We were travellers and performers . Somehow the elephant fell on me ( the dove ) and I could feel the weight and pain . That 's when I woke up and had severe pain in my knee ( pain is chronic ) and not unusual . Reply Max says : November 22 , 2014 at 4 : 29 pm A white dove flew over me and landed in my yard , I walked away but the bird remained where it had landed like 2 minutes later I walked back and slowly walked towards it . When close to it , it flew to a nearby fence and sat , still I walked towards it and it actually let me pet it before flying off . It actually let me touch it ! Reply Michelle says : November 19 , 2014 at 8 : 39 am I am sitting at my job on the 3rd floor and there is a Dove sitting on my windowsill just staring at me . It stared at me for 15 minutes before it turned around looked back at me and flew away . I even took pictures of him . Today I was at work . ( I work for my dad ) . Slow day . And a coworker of mine makes a joke to open the door to let the guest in . I look up and I see a white dove . Gorgeous really . It was staring right into the glass just standing there gracefully . I couldn 't understand what the dove was trying to say . But I knew it was there for a reason ( we rarely see doves in that area not to mention WHITE and at night ! ) I walked out toward the dove and rather than flying away it seemed to lead me in some direction . I couldn 't follow as I had work . It came back though ! And I stared at it and it stared back . I kept asking it what it wanted . I thought it was injured but every time I stepped closer it would step away . I tried letting it out of my mind until my dad just got a call 5 hours later telling him his dad ( my grandfather ) passed away . I can 't help but wonder if the dove has any correlation to this event or if it was just a coincidence ! Everyone else thinks I 'm crazy ! Reply Joan says : November 12 , 2014 at 7 : 17 pm Dreamt watching news on a big screen could not understand a word because the caption and the news were in Arabic still confused a big white dove appeared on the screen and someone told me it was my spiritual guide . So my question is how does a bird guide me when we can 't communicate how does it help me ? What was this dream all about ? Thanks Reply ilana says : November 11 , 2014 at 11 : 06 am hi there . just two weeks ago i witnessed a pigeon who was injured and had flown into a reflective glass . I am writing here because my understanding is that pigeons are of the same family as mourning doves . i took the bird home with me and have taken care of it . it was unable to stand or walk and is now walking and able to fly . The morning after finding the pigeon , I dreamt this pigeon with purple and blue shining feathering on the back of its neck , standing upright and courtly from the box it was in . That day I was told to leave the bird for animal services to " take care " of it assuming that it will not survive . that didn 't feel like an appropriate solution . i took it home with me and cared for it for two weeks . now it is in a rehabilitation facility tending to an orphaned pigeon . both will be released when they have reached good health . any reflections on this experience and dreams would be greatly appreciated . Reply Sean Philip says : November 8 , 2014 at 3 : 11 am Recently , my father was very ill and passed away . The day before he died I saw the remaining feathers of a dove scattered on the ground around my car . I was being watched by two doves the following morning as I got into the car . I 've never noticed doves around the estate before . They are in Ireland . Collared doves . I saw one again this morning so they must be nesting locally . Many people here claim we are in for a very cold winter . Lots of birds being very active at this time make up part of this forecast . Reply Insect King says : October 25 , 2014 at 4 : 37 pm I had a mourning dove . My friends found it out of its nest as a baby . We took good care of it . Eventually , we let it go . She 'd visit us everyday . Reply Anita says : October 22 , 2014 at 9 : 00 pm A dove nested in a palm tree in our garden . I hadn 't realised until after some big wind storms and I realise the nest had been blown form the tree . i found the 2 baby birds safely nestled on a ledge outside my bathroom . They have now learn 't to fly their mother comes and feeds them and they are all happily residing ( + coo - ing ) . I definitely have a thing with animals but any deeper insight would be highly appreciated Reply Bonnie Beck says : October 22 , 2014 at 1 : 25 pm I was in TX Big Bend National Park having traveled from Vt . and was sitting outside cabin praying - so grateful for the time there - and when I opened my eyes a dove was sitting not two feet from me on the porch . . just looking at me . For close to a half hour ! The dove flew away then and my husband came out on the porch - I told him about the dove and he pointed to the limb of the tree behind me where sat that same dove - I was overwhelmed by the peacefulness thereafter . Wish it could last ! Reply Silken Raven says : October 12 , 2014 at 11 : 23 am Hello Haydee : The dream is symbolic of your inability to let go of control in your waking life . You must allow spirit and others the space to do their work as well . Micro managing your life is stifling your creativity . Reply Ash says : September 18 , 2014 at 7 : 36 pm Was driving down my street tonight about to pull into my driveway when I noticed a small gray mound In the road … stopped got out and discovered an injured mourning dove who is now safely secured in my basement … after reading the above meanings , that dove and I were meant to cross paths this evening . Amazing ! ! I now can only hope it recovers and survives ! |
So I haven 't sold the stroller yet but there is still 1 more day in our sale . As I was thinking about the stroller some more I remembered the last time you were in it . It was the week before you left us . We went for a walk around the neighborhood and you fell asleep . It was so cute because you were still holding your toys in your hands and your head dropped straight forward . I didn 't know you had fallen asleep so I was shocked when I looked down at you . It looked so uncomfortable ! Saturday at our sale I sold our baby swing . I originally bought the baby swing when I pregnant with your sister . Elo didn 't seem to like the swing and neither did you . So I decided to sell it . Well someone came along and bought it . Eloise watched as they put it in their car . She turned to me and said , " Where Haddie swing going ? That Haddie swing . " She started to cry . I never thought of that swing as yours so I had no emotional attachments to it . But Eloise did , and we both cried . Back when Mama and Daddy were first married before we had you guys we would talk about life and kids . One of our major hot spots was daycare . I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom . I never wanted to have someone else watch my kids more than I did . I had nothing against daycare , because I had to go to daycare while my mom worked so hard to provide for us . My mom is my hero by the way . I was just really passionate about being the primary caregiver for my children . Well life happened and when we had your sister we were not in a place financially for me to stay home . So I kept working and we paid for daycare . Then we found out we were pregnant with you and I still wanted to stay home . But again we weren 't in a position to do that . I always said I didn 't want to have kids unless I could stay home . This is why … . I should have never compromised with myself . Not that I regret having you because I absolutely do not . But we could have waited … . maybe if we had waited I could have stayed home . This wouldn 't have happened . You would still be here . Why couldn 't I have been patient ? I just couldn 't wait . Did this happen because I had to have it my way ? I have been feeling like a failure as a mom lately . I feel like I failed you in so many ways . But lately because we are still here , and we have to live this life , I feel like I am betraying you . Then I have your beautiful , smart , spicy , sister that deserves everything and some days I can 't seem to get it together . Today I randomly broke into tears that wouldn 't stop and I looked over and Eloise looked scared . I went over and I said , " I 'm sorry Mama is so sad , but I love you so very much . " She wouldn 't even look at me . Now I am failing her and I hate myself for that . I really hate how I feel and I hate that this is our life . You and your sister deserved a life together with all the happiness and sadness that come along with that . I am struggling to figure out how I can do it . Your Daddy and I are going to our first grief counseling session tomorrow . I hope that this will help give us some direction in living this life without you . I love you … . and your sister so much . Living life with you is our greatest joy . I miss you , so I look at your pictures . This makes me miss you more . I then watch all of you videos and sob through them . Nothing eases this pain . Nothing fills this hole . Nothing makes me less angry . Haddie , I am constantly fighting a war in my head . " Is she really gone ? " " Was she really here ? " " God take me now ! " " Bring her back " . " Wake me up " " Why are you hurting me " " I can 't do this anymore " . " I don 't want to do this anymore " " Why me ? " We had dinner with some good friends last night that have also lost their precious daughter . It has been a little over a year from them . We had great conversation and were able to speak freely . There was something comforting about being around people that understand the same kind of pain as us . We felt free to cry together and say the things you don 't say to just anybody . The scary thoughts or the weird thoughts you have on a daily basis . It 's also nice to find out your not a " crazy person " and others have thought these thoughts . As comforting as it was they did confirm that their pain is still very present a year later . They still have days that they can 't seem to get it together . They still have days that the tears don 't stop and the aching is unbearable . Today we are having a garage sale . This is Eloise 's first garage sale and she is having some attachment issues . I did not plan for these breakdowns . It 's kinda hard to make a sale when the child is screaming , " That 's MY toy ! " I am also selling the double stroller that I used for you and Eloise . I am hoping it sells because it 's heavy and takes up a lot of room in our garage . I also feel like it taunts me every time I look at it . I see the spot where you should be sitting and I am reminded of what I don 't have . Of course I am keeping anything of yours that has good memories . Which is mostly everything except that stroller . Our adventures in that stroller As always Haddie I am missing you today is no different . I sit here wondering how this garage sale would be different if you were here . I sure it would be interesting and hard that 's for sure and I would welcome that challenge . I hope that you and our friend 's baby girl are having a great time today with Jesus . I can 't wait for the day that we join you . Love you so much , I am drowning today . Everyday there is a sadness that I carry around . But today I am overcome with thoughts of you . I am missing you and I am surviving moment by moment . What can I do to get through this day , this hour , this minute ? It 's all I can do to keep going . If I start to think about how much life I have to live until I see you again it 's unbearable . God help me . God help me . Even though I am surrounded by people who love me I feel alone . It 's difficult to say , that living this life is hard , and I am sure it 's difficult for family and friends to hear . But it is hard its torture . I know I have things to look forward to for Eloise . But the pain is so raw and fresh that it is swallowing me whole . I am so angry that the rest of my life I have to carry this around with me . I do cherish the good memories with you but they are still so painful . So sometimes I can 't think about them , because I get physically ill . Loosing a child is the cruelest event that can ever happen . I have been blessed with so many people in my life that have shown us support . I am a huge believer that family is a choice . Your Aunt Emily , Aunt Alisa , and Aunt Rachel are my sisters . I have always wanted a sister … always . I was so happy to be able to give Eloise the sister I never had . Aunt Emily was with me when I was told that you were gone and she didn 't leave my side for days . I called Aunt Alisa and told her at work and she walked out of teaching a class to be with me . Aunt Alisa called Aunt Rachel and she dropped everything at her job in Chicago to be with me for 4 days straight . These ladies have kids , husbands , jobs , and so many responsibilities that they put aside to sit with me . I am forever grateful and the words " thank you " are so not appropriate . My love and appreciation for them goes so deep . We were close before this happened but now the bond is so strong . They each carry a piece of you around their neck and it 's so special , Haddie . They cry with me . They cry for you . They grieve with me . We have been so humblLove , Today I went grocery shopping for the first time . It was just Elo and me and it seemed like such a daunting task . First , because I hate grocery shopping . I feel like I always spend way too much money and I always seem to forget to buy something . Second , because I would usually take you with me . Sometimes I would take you and your sister and that always turned into a stressful situation . Mostly , Elo stayed home with Daddy and you were my shopping buddy . You always did so great sitting like a big girl in the top of the cart . Of course everyone loved to see you smile and always commented on how cute you were . I did find it annoying that if you weren 't clearly dressed in girl clothes people thought you were a boy . What says boy about your face ? ? ? ? Anyway , grocery shopping today was easy we even returned cans . It was so easy that I hated it . I wish you were there so I could juggle the chaos of keeping two kids happy in the grocery store , and finding a place to put the groceries in the cart . I miss going in the baby aisles for diapers , wipes , and baby food . I only saw one person I knew at the grocery store I wasn 't prepared to talk so I turned down the underwear aisle . I also think it 's strange that when you make eye contact with someone you give the polite smile and they usual smile back . Sometimes I think of it as a game ; trying to make the grumpiest looking person smile back at you . So even though today I didn 't feel like smiling at people I did . The one person who refused to smile back really bothered me . If I can make the effort smile at you , when my daughter is not here anymore , than you can smile back . But maybe they are experiencing the same kind of loss and I should give them a break . Another first … I caught myself singing along with the radio . This has absolutely not happened since you have been gone . It wasn 't the whole song , just a line . What does this mean ? When I realized it happen I stopped and I wasn 't sure what to think . I am actually too scared to write what I was thinking because it mighMama It would have been your 1st Fourth of July . Your first time seeing fireworks . The first time to take some awkward picture with your sister in some ridiculous red , white , and blue outfit . I have been struggling with my thoughts lately . I get lost going over and over that day in my head and it 's torture . Thinking about that morning seeing your happy face before I left you . I will forever regret leaving you . The words , " You daughter has passed away " go through my head and makes my skin crawl . Even thinking about that night at our house filled with family and friends and remembering the look in peoples eyes makes me so devastatingly sad all over again . I am forever tormented by the events of that day . I know that I have said it before but I will say it again because it is a constant feeling that I have . I get angry , sad , and hurt , when I think of living this life without you . Everything that this family will experience will be always missing you . You were supposed to be Eloise 's Maid of Honor someday and she was supposed to be yours . You were supposed to go to school dances , leave for college , make bad decisions , and live a beautiful full life . July 4th , 2015 you would have been 11 months . In a month we would have been celebrating your 1st birthday . I would have bought you some sort of frilly girly outfit to take cake smashing pictures in . We would have sang to you … This past holiday weekend we spent with friends who are family to us . We had a lot of good conversations . One we had with a close friend that has experienced the loss the his wife 19 years ago . He said the pain gets different but it is always still there . You live with it differently than you do the first few years . He said it took 5 years to feel like himself again . I found that interesting because I really do feel like a different person . I am not sure how to accurately describe it . When I do feel joy or happiness it isn 't AS happy or AS joyful as it would have been if you were still here . I do not believe that I will ever feel the blissful happiness that I use to feel . It 's strange that I don 't ever really feel like doing anything . We get invitations to go places and when we do we have fun , we laugh , and we don 't usually regret going . But I don 't have a desire to leave the comfort of my house where I feel safe . I don 't have to smile in my house if I don 't feel like it . No one will look at me when I randomly start crying . No one will ask me or my friends how I am doing . No one will be able to tell that I haven 't showered for days . No one will think that because I am laughing I am doing " really well " . Haddie I just miss you . My heart aches for you . I want to see you , touch you , smell you . I want to walk into your room and see you sleeping in your crib where you should be . I hate that I have to scroll so far back on my photostream to find your pictures . I know that I will see you again in heaven and I am so thankful for that . But in that same breath you won 't need me in heaven . You will most likely be exactly who you were intended to be . I will still have been robbed of seeing you grow up . Mothering you when I should have been able to . I want my heart to feel whole again . I want to feel free again . Haddie I am just so sad and my heart is in pieces . Haddie come back to me … . Love , Mama Happy 11 months baby girl . The fireworks are for you . Today was a wonderful time spent with family and friends . You were talked about often with smiles and tears . We wish you were here . Elo sang , " Happy Birthday Haddie Bo Bo , cha cha cha ! " I hope Jesus is holding you close and kissing your cheeks the way I would if you were here . Always and forever baby , Yesterday was 1 month since that horrid day . I am heartbroken . I am not going to try to describe the feelings I had because there are no words that could come close to explaining the pain . Your Aunt Rachel called early in the morning to tell us how much she loves us and misses you . Aunt Alisa , Aunt Emily , and Grandma Jane came over for breakfast . We talked about you , and looked at your hand / foot prints . We shed some tears , but we also had lots of smiles and laughs . An old friend gave us a box full of fireworks for tomorrow ! It was so generous and we felt so loved . Eloise is going to be ecstatic ! Just wish you were here to see them , Bo Bo . Today I did my first 21 day fix work out since you have been gone . It was hard , my legs were shaking , and I couldn 't breath . I also showered for the first time since Monday night . I brushed my hair for the first time since your funeral . Last night was my first night I spent by myself without someone keeping me company . Your Daddy was playing baseball so it was just your sister and me . We went for a walk and she talked about you a lot . She said , " Mama , you sad about Haddie . " I am not sure if it was a statement or a question . She also sang you " Jesus Loves Me " . We miss you so very much . This morning we sat on the couch and watched cartoons like we always do on Saturday mornings . It was quiet , too quiet . It 's not the same without you . I still look around the living room hoping to see you crawl around the corner with something in your mouth . Something that you shouldn 't have in your mouth . There is this thing that tells you what you were doing this exact day last year , 2 years ago , 5 years ago , etc . It 's called Timehop . So I looked up mine today and this is what came up 2 years ago today … . I am now that mom that would give anything to hear you cry . I would give anything to have you whine or be grumpy . I wish I could spend one more " difficult " night with you . I find it strange that I wrote this two years ago obviously not knowing I would be writing it about myself . Eloise is 2 … very 2 . She is miss independent with everything . She says , " Me do it , " several times a day . We hear , " No . " In response to almost everything question . She is working on sharing and unfortunately we are doing a lot of time outs . I know that most of this behavior is normal for her age . Even so her world has changed . She is an only child now , and home with Mama and Daddy everyday for the last month . On our way home from up north we stopped in Traverse City to do some shopping . Usually Elo is a great tag along on these occasions , this was not her day . We were in the middle of the M22 store when she announced that she no longer wanted to wear her diaper and immediately let it drop to the floor full of poop . Not a contained , easy clean - up , poop log . It was the thick , " comes out like tar " , poop as your Daddy would say . Your Daddy scooped her up and we both ran out the back of the store . She had poop all over her dress , her legs , her shoes , and your Daddy and me . After we got her cleaned up we tried to go into a few more stores and she had a massive breakdown when we left the toy store . I 'm talking hitting , kicking , screaming , hitting herself , you name it she did it . We strapped her into her stroller and briskly walked down the main shopping street with several sympathizing stares . Someone even said , " Been there . " Moments before meltdown I couldn 't help but think that we didn 't even get a chance to have a public melt down with you . We never got a chance to give you a time out . When you did something " naughty " it was still in the cute stage . I didn 't get to hear you tell me no or even say , " Mama " yet . You will always be 9 months old and perfect . I won 't be able to cry as I send you off to kindergarten . We won 't take a girls trip to Chicago to spend all of Daddy 's money at the American Girl store . The dreams I had for you and our family now are very different and I HATE IT . So I treasure the embarrassing public meltdown with Elo because I know what it 's like to have that stolen from you . I hold tight to every moment because it can all be gone in a second . I now turn the car around , and go back in the house , and hug and kiss Eloise when I forget to say goodbye . Even if it 's a 5 minute Walgreens run . Life is fragile and really can be gone and your whole world turned upside in a moment 's time . Love you and missing you always , The day after you were born I was in the hospital . I was considering staying another night because it is easier having the help and well to be honest your Daddy and I really liked the food . It was in the morning and the day shift nurse came on duty . She asked me a few things and made me uncomfortable so I abruptly told her that I wanted to go home . So I came home and I was so car sick on the ride home I couldn 't open my eyes . I walked in and laid on the couch and slept for hours . Thankfully Grammy and Mimi were here to help with your sister and you . Your Grammy is a skilled sewer and has made Eloise and you special blankets . They are so special that I haven 't let you guys use them . I recently went through all of your clothes and pulled out any that were special or I remembered you wearing a lot . Some of them still had dirty knees from you crawling all over . I went through each one and reminisced about the last memory I have of you in each outfit . Your Grammy is making me a quilt out of them . I can 't wait until its done so I can curl up with it and think about you . I drove to Walgreen 's to get some throat drops . On the way home Carrie Underwood 's " See You Again " came on . This is the song that was played during your slide show at your funeral . At first I just teared up . Then I started screaming and weeping . I 'm just so upset and it 's not fair . I am mad at God tonight . Why didn 't He intervene ? I am mad that this is my life . I don 't want this life . I want my baby . I want you back . Sometimes I don 't think I will make it through another day or another hour with this unbearable pain that has no end in sight . Tonight the pain is overwhelming as I think of the 2nd approaching . Your birthday is right around the corner . How will I live through that day ? I know that I will be surrounded by people who love me and who loved you , Haddie . I know that I can and will live through those days , but I just don 't want to do it . The mad phase has begun … Our family is no stranger to tragedy . It was 2011 and your Daddy and me were living in a two bedroom apartment in Holland . I found out that I was pregnant and bought your Daddy a baby Detroit Tigers hat . He didn 't grasp the announcement at first he just said , " This hat is too small for me . " We were so excited for what the future held we had purchased a child friendly SUV and put in an offer on a house . We went to our first doctor 's appointment at 10 weeks along . The doctor did the check up and said everything looked good . Now the part we were waiting for … listening to the heartbeat . He tried to find it for a few minutes … nothing . Not a big deal because the baby is so small that sometimes it 's hard to find . So he sent us down the hall for a an ultrasound . It was so cool to see our little baby for the first time . We could see very little arms and legs . It was surreal I asked , " Is that really a baby ? " The ultrasound tech said , " Yes that is a baby , but unfortunately there is no heartbeat . " She immediately got up and walked out to get the doctor . We both sat there stunned at what we just heard . I just cried and cried and cried . Because I was farther along I had to have a operation to remove the baby . I have heard of miscarriages in the past and one of our good friends who is a doctor cautioned us about the odds . You just don 't think it will be you . I still have the ultrasound picture on our refrigerator . I would say 3 months later we got a positive pregnancy test again . We were cautiously optimistic when we called the doctor . This time they had us come in at 7 weeks for an early ultrasound . This time I was a little nervous but still excited . The ultrasound tech said , " Sorry the baby has not developed . " A miscarriage again how is this happening . The third time was the charm and we ended up with sassy spicy , Eloise . The thing about miscarriages for me was that they stole the joy of pregnancy . After the first one I was no longer full of joy when I found out I was pregnant , I was full of fear . I t when I ask strangers to take our picture . We are smiling in the picture because that 's what you are supposed to do right ? I know that you are always with us , Haddie . But that 's not good enough for me . I don 't really find that comforting yet , maybe I will someday . I want you back where you belong with us in our family picture . Love you always and forever , Next » MEET HADDIEJune 2nd , 2015 my life was forever changed . I heard the words that no parent ever wants to hear , " Your daughter has passed away " . I couldn 't even comprehend that phrase . Now we are trying to honor our daughter and remember her . We miss her so much . Search for : |
The front porch used to wind around the side to the back where there was an old well right on the back porch for water before they installed indoor plumbing . I can remember many a day running and playing on that old porch . I was always drawing water out of the well in an old wooden water bucket that i 'm sure my great grandfather had fashioned out of a log . My cousins and I played there for hours . We never tired of pretending we were living there back in the old days . I don 't remember my great grandparents Roscoe & Dashia Blackburn . They both passed away when I was just a year old . Papa passed first , leaving his wife and best friend of 50 some years . With his passing she didn 't last long . She was so distraught she passed away 3 weeks later from what most said was a broken heart . They were inseparable in life and then in death . They married young , never leaving each others side for all of their 50 some years together . She was the first one up every morning before the chickens . She woke up the roosters to do their job of waking up the rest of the farm . She cooked from an old wood cook stove that was still in the house when I was little . Winter or summer , hot or cold she would fire up the wood cook stove to start Papa 's breakfast way before anyone or anything was up a stirring . Drawing water from the well on the back porch for the coffee , going out to the chicken house to gather eggs freshly laid to fix for breakfast , then stopping on her way back to the house to milk the cow for fresh cream for the coffee and a cake of bread . She did more before the sun came up than most do today all day long . That 's why women were strong back then . They knew what hard work was , not one bit afraid of it and took pride in being the best wife & mother . Papa would be up by the time she made it back to the kitchen from her morning chores . Dressed in his faded worn overalls , he walks towards the kitchen being drawn to the smell of the fresh coffee boiling on the stove all the way from the bedroom . He grabs a tin coffee cup out of the cupboard on the right as he enters the kitchen . Looking over to the stove , he sees the iron skillet with eggs frying with a big juicy piece of fatback . He crosses the room to the stove that had the kitchen quite warm and smelling delicious with aromas from the top and the oven . He pours his coffee from the old coffee pitcher that had been handed down to them when they got married . When Cameron started working at the store she wasn 't counting on anything or anyone coming into her life . " My life is ok exactly like it is , " she thinks to herself . Well , come to think of it there is one thing , a boyfriend who isn 't making her happy ; this is affecting her life . That was about to change soon . She had become good friends with her boss . Cameron did the usual things that women do in their late twenties . She has settled into the same old routine day in and day out but she is ok with her life in that aspect . Then He walks into the store one morning . Cameron wonders if he had been in there before and she hadn 't noticed , but as good looking as he is he couldn 't have without her noticing . The first time she saw him it took her breath away . He is the most handsome man she had ever seen in her life . His body is like a fine tuned instrument . The curves in his bulging arms perfect , not too big and yet not to small , his work shirt boasting his shapely masculine chest . She notices this as he turns to the candy isle in front of the register to retrieve a pack of gum . He has shiny black hair that reminds you of a shimmering lake at night in the moonlight . His skin is an olive complexion and you can tell that he is an outdoors kind of man . Either the type that 's always outside , worked outdoors or both . He looks of Hispanic decent . She imagines him as an Aztec warrior . She giggles to herself . He is health conscious she guesses from the fruit that he buys instead of the usual junk food like most guys on the run . He buys energy drinks instead of buying soft drinks . This leads her to believe he may work outside seeing that it is spring and getting kind of warm during the day now . Cameron and Sara have become inseparable , Sara being a single mom of three . Cameron is a single mom of two . There 's a lot of age difference between them but they get along so well that you would think they have known each other all their lives instead of just a couple of months . They confide in each other about almost everything . So of course Cameron couldn 't wait to tell Sara about her encounter with an Aztec warrior . Cameron is so flustered from the encounter with the man of her dreams she thought that Sara was never going to make it to the front . She feels like she is going to burst from the anticipation of wanting to tell Sara . After about twenty minutes of talking with customers and straightening things up that are out of place as she walks up the three isles , Sara makes it to the front . There , waiting like a kid at the door of a candy store waiting for it to open was Cameron . " Well if you saw what I did you wouldn 't have to ask which one . I think that he is the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life . " Cameron tells her in detail about how well built he is then concludes that she would marry him tomorrow if he asked . She also tells her how she 's sure he will remember her because she had gone out of her way to speak Spanish to him . " Well be careful you know the problems and heartache I went through when I was married to Jose , " Sara tells her concerned for Cameron . " A lot of them are here to support their families back home . They 'll be married never telling you a thing . Leading you on to believe that they are so in love with you , making you think that you are the only one . " Sara told Cameron knowing this having been burnt from the experience of it . Sara had once been married to a guy from El Salvador named Jose . They had been in what she thought was pure love , marital bliss . They had been together eight years , five of it married . But nothing anymore it seems is forever . He left as soon as he became legal , to go home to see his family . He hadn 't been home in over ten years . He was anxious to see his parents and siblings . His little sisters and baby brother had all been barely out of diapers when he had left . Now his oldest of the younger sisters is having her Quincinera . That 's similar to what we do for a girls sixteenth birthday except they are fifteen and they go all out . It 's almost if the girl is getting married . She has a white flowing gown and she 's brought in on a platform carried by boys her age . She 's presented to the community like a coming out Fiesta . The fathers of these girls are known to spend a fortune on the festivities . Some of the fathers spent as much as they would have on a real wedding . Sara asks him why , is he so home sick that he needs to stay awhile longer . But he tells her it 's not that . He tells her that he has met someone there . He is going to marry her . Sara asks him if all he married her for was to become legal . He tells her yes at first but in the end he did love her . But now that he has went back he realizes that he needs someone from his world , from his culture . She knows now that he had just used her that he will do the same to that poor woman also . She kind of feels sorry for her , because she didn 't know what she was getting into . This was a man who would manipulate anyone to get what he wanted and she knew she was better off without him . Cameron had been through her share of heartaches too , but she wasn 't the type that was once bitten twice shy . She believed in true love that there is someone out there for everyone . She knew that she would find her soul - mate some day . She couldn 't wait till he came back in . That morning when she went home she starts fixing everything for the evening for when the girls get home from school , she was in a daze . Things were done that she hadn 't realized that she had already did . He is all she could think about , he is her every thought . When she finally lay down to sleep she couldn 't . She 's dead tired but sleep would not come . She could not get him out of her mind . She just had to see him again . Would he come back ? Or even worse is he married ? As fine as he is surely he at least had a girlfriend , if he did then what ? Cameron is about to go off the deep end . It had been nearly a week since her Aztec warrior had been in . If he didn 't show today she would surely die . She is devastated . She just knew that he would be in today . Things were quite busy as they usually are this time of morning . People bustling in to grab a bite to eat or grab a cup of Joe on their way to work . Cameron is swamped with customers and she hadn 't realized that He is in line till he is next . She fumbles with the change she has in her hand for the customer dropping it all over the counter . Laughing with embarrassment she picks up the money handing it to the customer thanking him then apologizing . Cameron knew then that he didn 't speak any English . So she asked him to give her a minute in what little bit of Spanish that she knows . He seems to understand . Cameron knew that it was only a couple of hours till she would see Mateo but it feels like a lifetime . She finishes her shift staying around because Mateo works about a half a mile from the store at a local sawmill . The clock isn 't moving . It is as if time is standing still . She knows she is going to have to quit thinking of him like this . A smile comes across her face . She giggles as she thinks of him standing on a mountaintop holding a spear in one hand and a shield in the other with just a loincloth wrapped around his waist showing his perfect body . Driving up to the sawmill she sees the other guys first that are asking her out all the time . They look at her with much surprise trying to figure out what she was doing there , that made her laugh . Eat your heart out she thinks to herself . I 'm here for Mateo not for a bunch of jokers full of themselves . Cameron sees Mateo walking from the shed type extension of the building where he works . She pulls up to where he 's standing . He jumps in her truck . Pulling up under a giant oak tree he motions for them to get out . They get out , opening the back dropping the tailgate . They sit beside each other hanging their legs off the edge Cameron swinging hers back and forth , both hesitant to say the first word her not knowing what to say and he not knowing if he does say something if she 'll understand or not . Mateo then started biting on her lips like he was starving for this all his life . The kiss went on ; it seemed like an eternity then again it was like it was only a second lost in time . Like that first time you kissed a boy when you thought you were madly in love . There was nothing you two wouldn 't do for each other , and everything around you just seems to vanish like you and he are the only ones in a whole new universe . Before she knew where the time had went it was time to go , his break was over and she needed to go on home . As bad as she hated to admit it she knew there was someone she needed to break things off with . She couldn 't go on like this with Mateo till she broke it off with her boyfriend . She had found out while they talked that Mateo did not have a girlfriend or wife , at least not here in this country she thought . It really pisses me off when my husband & I are in a Mexican Restaurant eating and ( there 's always one ) someone is staring at us like we don 't belong there , Seriously ? What are they doing in a Mexican restaurant ? They aren 't Mexican . What do they expect ? If they are racist then why are they there in the first place ? North Carolina has had quite an increase in Hispanic population over the past 20 years . But the majority of people here are still not accepting them . In other areas of the country like up north there are many races with neighborhoods , schools , & churches that are diversified living in harmony . But here in the South there is still that dark cloak of prejudice people won 't let go as if they are protecting their sanctity of a pure race . You would think that in these days of the 21st century that racism and prejudice would be at a minimum , but it is still living strongly in the school systems , work place and the streets in the South . Let me say that I am a white American and was married to a Hispanic . My daughters have been fortunate enough to grow up in a multicultural family . With this upbringing I believe that I have raised them teaching them not to be prejudice against anyone . There is no excuse for bringing up a child any other way . So when you go out today or this evening to " celebrate " Cinco de Mayo " aka . the 5th of May , know what you are celebrating . Impress your friends or the wait staff at Pancho Villa or Dos Amigos . These are good people and they work hard to make your dining experience a good one . Give them something back as recognition that you appreciate them enough to learn something about their country . The Miracle The gorge that ran the length of the road was as beautiful as it was dangerous . The rocks were carved out from the millions of gallons of water running over them for thousands of years . Looking over the edge was about all you could do . The embankment was very steep and treacherous . Only a skilled climber would be able to scale it . Josiah always drove right on the edge to look at the gorge . On one occasion Ellie had road into town with him . He was driving close to the edge as usual frightening her . She told him to move over to the middle of the road or pull over to let her drive . He just laughed at her doing as she said moving over to the middle telling her she was a scardy cat . She might be she told him but she 'd live to see another day . Heading back up the mountain Josiah looks over in the seat at his emergency supplies that Earl had insisting on giving him . There was a flashlight that was four times the size of the one he had an extra battery for it , two gallons of water , a radio with batteries in it with an extra pack . Then he had two thick horse blankets , some beef jerky and a couple of other things for just in case . The heater in the old truck wasn 't putting anything out now . The windshield was fogging up from his body heat on the inside . On the outside he could tell it was already trying to freeze up . Looking in the dash box feeling with his hand then actually looking in he can 't find a windshield scraper . " I just wonder if Earl thought about me needing a scraper . " Shutting the dash box he looks in the seat searching through the tote bag of supplies . Putting the truck into gear he starts up the dirt road again . The wind was getting worse . The truck was getting harder to handle . The wind whipping around it from both sides made it rock side to side . Slowing down to almost a crawl it was a little easier to manage but not completely . The snow was getting thicker and harder to see through by the minute . His headlights were so dim even on bright he couldn 't see more than ten to fifteen feet in front of him . It was completely dark outside with no lights but his . Josiah stopped for a minute putting on his seat belt . Back when this old truck had been new there were no seat belt laws like they are today . The truck had only lap belts . Josiah knew he needed to pay close attention to the ice that was accumulating on the road . But he couldn 't help but think about how nice it would be if he was in Mexico laying on a beach in Los Cabos where it would be a nice toasty 80 some degrees . Instead he was driving up this treacherous mountain in sub - zero degree weather . Seeing the edge getting closer Josiah braces his self , preparing to go over the edge . He says a prayer thanking God for all he had gave him and done for him in his life . When his prayer was finished he could see over the steep embankment . He realizes that this was it . He was about to go over the edge . The truck tilted as one of the tires had already slid off the road past the edge into the air . Josiah was flooded with a feeling of relief . He didn 't know whether to move or not . Thinking that if he tried to get out of the truck the movement might cause whatever was holding the truck to become lose . He sits there for what seems an eternity but actually was only a few minutes . After Josiah finally thinks the truck isn 't going anywhere he slides to the right towards the passenger door . Doing this very slowly he doesn 't even want to breathe in fear of making the truck move . As he gets close to the door he 's pushing his emergency supplies with him . He reaches for the door handle and the truck tilts back towards the road sitting back down on three wheels . Most mornings I sit on my back porch with my much needed large cup of coffee watching the landscape wake up from it 's dark state of nocturnal activities . I can hear the bell ringing on a lead goat down the hollar a ways , as he leads his herd of followers out into the new morning light to graze on the new fresh spring sprouts shooting up through the just recently thawed ground . . The birds are chirping as a new day begins reminding other fowl that is their territory , to stay out . I live up at the farther end of the hollar on a slope . Behind my place on the other side of the hollar is a neighbor with a beautiful pond that has an Artesian well just above it , supplying it with fresh cold spring water continuously . It is so soothing and relaxing hearing the flow splashing into the pond in the morning . There is no better way to start the day , I 'll not do it any other way again after given this chance to enjoy the tranquility . Just last week the trees were blooming their majestic beauty with all their different colored blooms and fragrances . Decorating the pond like a parade of Mother Nature , but now the flowers have faded fast thanks to Jack Frost who still comes to these parts even in May sometimes . The leaves are filling out and it 's getting harder to see the pond from the porch more and more everyday . The weeping willow tree has filled out so much since we moved here 4 years ago , it 's branches cascading down to the ground as if in morning . Even though we cleared off most off our property to see the pond , I enjoy more listening to the waterfall coming from the Artesian well . I can sit here endlessly . But eventually I have to get up , go back into the house and do something productive . Thinking about getting up makes me light just one more stogy . What the heck , we only live once might as well enjoy it while I can . Meet Montana Cowgirl , our newest member to the family as of yesterday . She 's an 8 week old Blue Heeler . She is already showing the signs of a great dog as most Blue Heelers are . We had a storm last night with lightning & not too loud of thunder & she faired pretty well . Yes , she whined somewhat as to be expected , but not from the noise of the thunder . She knew what her bed was only after showing her 2 times . This morning she whined to go off the porch to use the potty . This dog has never been potty trained . When we went to see the puppies yesterday , she was the first to come up to us . I had seen pictures of her and her siblings . I actually had come with intentions of getting another girl that had a lot of the spots resembling a Blue Heeler . But needless to say she won us over . She was the friendliest , happiest , playful , and answered when we called to them . She knew she wanted us I believe as soon as she seen us . The Australian Cattle Dog is an independent thinker and once trained , is capable of carrying out routine tasks without supervision . They are highly intelligent , making them self directed workers capable of complex problem solving . They are adept at picking out and punishing trouble makers , while at the same time they can be gentle with calves , lambs or ducks . It is this rating ability that makes the Australian cattle dog versatile enough for different classes of cattle as well as trial or farm work with sheep , hogs and fowl . The Australian Cattle Dog can be trained to perform various functions on the farm or ranch . They possess high trainability coupled with a strong desire to please . Most Cattle Dogs can perform routine jobs after just a few exposures . A well trained Cattle Dog can replace two to three good men on horseback . Horkan , Annie . " Train A Blue Heeler To Herd Cattle . " Blue Heeler Dog . N . p . , 1 July 2014 . Web . 03 May 2016 . Share this : TwitterFacebookGooglePinterestEmailLinkedInPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on October 15 , 2014 by Leslie Zapata CEO / IBO in Happy Fall Y ' all ! • Tagged autumn , barns , benches , Fallis in the Air ! , flower box , Give thanks to the Lord , Happy Fall Y ' all ! , Harvest , holidays , hot food , North Carolina , pumpkins , recipes , squash , sweet potato Share this : TwitterFacebookGooglePinterestEmailLinkedInPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on October 14 , 2014 by Leslie Zapata CEO / IBO in Happy Fall Y ' all ! • Tagged autumn , barns , cold weather foods , country , easy life , fall , Fallis in the Air ! , Give thanks to the Lord , happy , Happy Fall Y ' all ! , lake , moss , mountains , nature , North Carolina , pastures , relax Share this : TwitterFacebookGooglePinterestEmailLinkedInPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on October 13 , 2014 by Leslie Zapata CEO / IBO in Happy Fall Y ' all ! • Tagged autumn , country , Don 't get ur pumpkins in a pile ! , fall , Fallis in the Air ! , Gather , Give thanks to the Lord , Happy Fall Y ' all ! , Harvest , holidays , Pumpkin , pumpkins , squash , sweet potato Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
It 's someone 's 1st Birthday . Yep , can you believe it ? A whole year has passed ! She wasn 't supposed to be here and we are enjoying EVERY SINGLE MOMENT ! She is a true blessing . Physically she is doing awesome ! She has had a lot of surgeries this year and her attitude has always remained amazing . She smiles and giggles after her treatments . Even when she must be in pain , she is happy . She is even starting to speak , which is hard when you don 't have a pallet . She goes in for her pallet surgery on November 11th . Please be praying because there is swine flu everywhere at the hospital she is going too , it 's so bad that they may cancel the surgery . She truly is trying to speak though so we need to get it done so speaking with be easier for her . Her first words were mama and dada and her knew word " I love you " . Shocking , and I didn 't believe it , but I spent all evening on Friday with her and it 's true ! You can tell she is told that constantly . If you look at her and say " I love you " . She looks right back and says " La Lu " . So cute ! ! ! Thank you guys for your prayers and support this past year . We went through so much in such a short amount of time . You guys helped me so much and I appreciate it ! Tonight I decided to sit down and share my thoughts surrounding our house fire . They aren 't too put together , but after a crazy day , and a day of trying desperately to process my feelings , it 's all I have . I really didn 't want to do two posts of the same thing , so I wanted to invite those of you that loved us through that time period to visit our family blog . It 's also an amazing little girls ' 1st birthday on Friday and I will be doing some posts on her as well : ) If you are interested in the link , please email me at heatherschaos @ gmail . com and I will send it to you . I think Zach is going to be a scientist . He 's always testing things , looking at them from other angles , trying to find new uses for things . For example , he was hanging out with me in the bathroom while I put make - up on when he found Tim 's old contact case . It 's one with lids that separate completely from the case itself , and he took them both off and started running water in the case where the contacts belong . He twirled it around over the sink , letting bits slosh out . He did this for awhile , wordlessly and with great concentration . Then he filled both containers again and , without hesitation , drank the water from one . At my exclamation , he spit it out , filled both sides again and put the lids back on . Yesterday I went into the guest half - bath on the first floor , which is more like The Boys ' bathroom than it is for guests , as they use it more than anyone else . On the shelf is one of those Renuzit cone - shaped air fresheners that is filled with the scented gel that slowly evaporates ; this one is white peony scent ( though the stuff is red ) . I noticed it was sitting on the edge of the sink , closed . " Who closed this ? " I asked as The Boys looked on and I opened it back up . Out gushed water and the liquefied guts of the air freshener . " I did it , " Zach piped up . " I wanted to see what would happen . " Of course you did . I also found a 4 Him Christmas cassette tape , unraveled and tucked way back on the bottom of the entertainment center . After some investigation I found that Zach had pulled the tape out , then vacuumed it up . When that didn 't work as he 'd planned , he pulled it free from the vacuum cleaner and pulled more tape out - - just for good measure . There 's a bunch to be said of life with boys , and the first is that it 's never dull ! BTW , I 've now done my 2nd show as a Pampered Chef consultant and it 's going pretty well . I have 2 more shows this week and 3 more scheduled for October so far . It 's a nice change of pace for me and I 'm enjoying making money for the first time in years ( other than on eBay but that doesn 't really coPosted by So my commitment to blog at least every - other - day has flown out the window . Had you noticed ? ! I do have an excuse for the weekend : I was at a church women 's retreat . It was fun , especially because I got put in a room with the other 3 Americans that went and we all went to bed at 10pm while the rest of the ladies cackled and howled into the wee hours of the morning . We were up at 5 : 45 and by the time we were freshly showered and made up everyone else was yawning , waiting in long lines for one of the 4 showers . Ha ! It 's the only way someone like me survives these things : sleep and shower . And now for the excuse that will keep me away from the computer till at least Wednesday : I 've become a Pampered Chef consultant . Or , more accurately , I will be one after my first show tomorrow night . I Am Nervous ! ! ! And it 's not like I know this nice gal that 's agreed to let me learn what I 'm doing while she and her friends look on ; she 's the hairdresser I went to for the first time last month ! Then on Saturday I have my second show , for a good friend who is helping me out while earning oodles and oodles of free and half - priced high - quality kitchen products . ( How 'd you like that plug for the biz ? ! ) Then 2 more shows next week , and 2 more the week after . . . Hopefully the bookings continue and I figure out what I 'm doing quickly . Anyway , I 'm in the last minute panic of trying to learn what all the products are called and what they do and why they 're better than your average Walmart stuff . I also have to think up a snazzy presentation and make sure I have all the forms and do - dads I need . Oy . I 'm off to the store right now to get name tags and pens , and maybe a food scale ( cuz they use those here ) . So while I 'm temporarily away from the blog , keep me in mind . Say little prayers for me , for confidence and grace . I 'll be back Wednesday with a summary of the nights successes and challenges . ; ) Ciao ! ~ REESE ( I accidentally erased my little name image , and I don 't want to go through the necessary steps to reclaim it . ) Dear Lord , We 're still hoping we 'll wake up . We 're still hoping we 'll open a sleepy eye and think , What a horrible dream . But we won 't , will we , Father ? What we saw was not a dream . Planes did gouge towers . Flames did consume our fortress . People did perish . It was no dream and , dear Father , we are sad . There is a ballet dancer who will no longer dance and a doctor who will no longer heal . A church has lost her priest , a classroom is minus a teacher . Cora ran a food pantry . Paige was a counselor and Dana , dearest Father , Dana was only three years old . ( Who held her in those final moments ? ) We are sad , Father . For as the innocent are buried , our innocence is buried as well . We thought we were safe . Perhaps we should have known better . But we didn 't . And so we come to you . We don 't ask you for help ; we beg you for it . We don 't request it ; we implore it . We know what you can do . We 've read the accounts . We 've pondered the stories and now we plead , Do it again , Lord . Do it again . Remember Joseph ? You rescued him from the pit . You can do the same for us . Do it again , Lord . Remember the Hebrews in Egypt ? You protected their children from the angel of death . We have children , too , Lord . Do it again . And Sarah ? Remember her prayers ? You heard them . Joshua ? Remember his fears ? You inspired him . The women at the tomb ? You resurrected their hope . The doubts of Thomas ? You took them away . Do it again , Lord . Do it again . You changed Daniel from a captive into a king 's counselor . You took Peter the fisherman and made him Peter an apostle . Because of you , David went from leading sheep to leading armies . Do it again , Lord , for we need counselors today , Lord . We need apostles . We need leaders . Do it again , dear Lord . Most of all , do again what you did at Calvary . What we saw here on that Tuesday , you saw there on that Friday . Innocence slaughtered . Goodness murdered . Mothers weeping . Evil dancing . Just as the ash fell on our children , the darkness fell on your Son . Just as our towers were shattered , the very Tower of Eternity wasHeather and Reese I 'm back too : ) Thanks so much for being so understanding about Reese and I needing to take a little bloggie break . We really needed it , but I did miss you . I had an ah - ha moment ( you know one of those moments where you get smacked in the face ? ) the beginning of June which sent me on a whole new direction for my summer . I went to a co - workers high school graduation and you know what I realized ? Amanda only has four years left at home . Four years . Do you know how fast four years goes ? In a blink of an eye , my baby will be going her own way . I was shocked that I hadn 't realized it . The six months prior to June had been filled with total chaos with the fire and everything that entailed , moving back home and helping with my sister in any way possible . It was a whirlwind and I realized that I had not been enjoying my kids in the manner I was meant too . Dan and I filled our summer with as much fun as possible . We did so much stuff , especially for us , as we tend to be homebodies . We camped several times , went on two vacations , picnics with family , walks in the park , playing in the park until late at night . . . the list really goes on . I have been ignoring the computer as much as possible , which at times feels like I am ignoring Reese and I hate that ( and vow to do better ) . I have learned so much about my kids , have fallen madly in love with my husband and adore our family so much more then I did back in June . Amanda is now a freshman , Mark has entered middle school and McKenna is a big second grader . There are definitely more moments where Amanda is learning who she is and at times that means testing us . It 's so hard . She is so fun , loving and kind and then there are the teenage moments where I literally want to scream " who the heck are you ? ? ? " but we get through them . Saturday I had another ah - ha moment . I had the privilege of going to a David Cook concert . I love David Cook and couldn 't believe I actually got to go to a concert . My friend that went with me also has a daughter who is a year older then Amanda and on the way Posted by Another first day of school and all is well . What more could I ask for ? Today was Ian 's first day of Reception ( Kindergarten ) . The way it works here is the kid starts Nursery ( Preschool ) in the school year they turn four - years - old . Then when they start Reception , the ones who turned 4 later in the school year - like Ian did in June - they go half days until January . It gives them a few months to age a bit before jumping in full time . So though it was the first day , he knew most of the kids from Nursery last year , plus he has the same teacher Zach had last year so he feels like he already knows her , and it 's only a few hours a day anyway . Ian is a sort of enigma : clingy and attached to me like a last born should be , yet very independent and unruffled when it comes to leaving me in times like the first day of school . He 's shy , yet bold . Whiny and brave . Try to detach him from my leg while I make dinner and you might as well catch the Loch Ness Monster and make hors d ' ouerves out of him . But when I walked him to his classroom this morning - past the hordes of thrashing children screaming " Mum , don 't leave me ! " - he walked calmly to the board , found his name , dropped it in the box and waved a silent good - bye to me . He could have lived without the kiss I planted on his cheek and he didn 't even notice that I stood on one side of the room and watched him looking lost and brave and confident for a few minutes . I was very curious about his day , so I peppered him with questions on the walk home . Me : " Ian , what did you do at school today ? " Ian , calm and happy as can be : " I don 't know . " M : " Okay . What did Miss G say to you ? " I : " I don 't know . I forgott - ed . " M : " Did you play games ? What did you play ? " I : " I don 't know . " M : " Who did you play with ? " I : " I don 't know . " M : " Are there kids in your class from last year ? Which ones ? " I : " I don 't know . I forgott - ed . " Is this a man in the making or what ? ! I 've got to teach him the art of conversation or he 's going to make some unsuspecting girl who fell for his huge puppy dog eyes really , really miseraPosted by It 's happened : the summer has passed and the fall is here . ' Cause we all know that fall doesn 't start on September 21 , or whatever , it starts when the kids go back to school . For this reason I was able to delay fall for a week ; The Boys go back tomorrow , while the older kids started a week ago . Sadly , the weather runs on American school time . It was cold and windy most of last week . Then again , that 's England for you . Since the hiatus was officially for the summer , I thought I 'd come out of hiding . That 's the beauty of the blogosphere as opposed to real life : you can be absent and the dishes don 't stack up , the garbages don 't overflow , the food in the fridge doesn 't go bad , there 's no stack of mail under the mail slot . It 's a gorgeous thing . And I 've enjoyed my laid - back summer . So much so , in fact , that I 've been dancing on the edge of making the final decision to quit blogging . I jumped into the blogosphere to escape my loneliness in Germany . It provided a creative outlet at a time when I lived in the middle of a farming village where no one spoke English , and I was half - an - hour from base . I was crazy with all the things I wanted to say rolling around in my head but no one but toddlers and field spiders to tell them to . I began throwing my thoughts into the eWorld and finding some peace . Now , when I feel verbally antsy I 'm more likely to call my friend Javare ' than take to the laptop and create a post . I don 't need to blog like I once did . But after much soul searching I 've discovered that while I don 't need to blog , I want to . I love my internet friends and some of them have moved from simply commenters to Facebook friends and people I exchange the occasional email with . I have yet to actually meet someone I 've only " met " online but I think I will someday . I always have room for more friends . And while I make friends and build relationships , I force myself to write . I used to write all the time , but once I hit my 30 's the brain juices dried up and my mind is literally bPosted by I need to interrupt our little hiatus to tell my blogging friends a great bigTHANK YOU ! ! A year ago on Wednesday started our traumatic events leading up to the birth of our beautiful McKenzie . As you know , things did not start out well . You can see here where Reese knew we were headed into some tough times . I started to tell you a little about what was going on here and another update here . You guys have walked this road with us . You have been there through the many updates , the frantic birth , the surgeries and all the praise reports along the way . Here we are a year later and we are enjoying every moment with McKenzie . She has been a fighter since the day you she decided to be born - six weeks early ! I am so thankful for all she has accomplished and how far she has come . My sister is a star mom and takes care of McKenzie 's every need . God has certainly answered prayers with regards to McKenzie . He has shown who is in control and that He will guide us . So , thank you ! I can 't tell you how much our family has appreciated your prayers and support . I really want you to know that it has meant alot to me . Here is our girl now . She has glasses now , although rarely wears them as she just pulls them off . She is such a happy girl and laughs and talks all the time . She is slightly behind other kids her age , but not by much . She really is doing so well ! And now , back to our regularly scheduled hiatus ! Enjoy the rest of summer . . . school is right around the corner : ( As you can tell , I seem to have issues right now with posting . It 's not that I don 't want too , it 's that I just can 't think up anything great to say . Reese and I have had a couple of different blogs over the years and one of them has been saved so I decided to look over there and you know what , on that blog , it was mostly Reese as well . I must frequently have writer 's block . As you can tell from my different posts , writing and grammar are definitely not my strong points . I did find this post though . Reading this helps me remember why we blog . If I had not written it down , I would have forgotten this precious moment with my son . It was written the end of March , 2007 . Last night I sat on the bathroom floor with my soon to be 9 year old son , Mark , and watched as the tears poured down his face . He was crying because he can 't remember his cousin anymore . James passed away when he was 19 months old due to a genetic disease called Menkes . Mark was 7 at the time . He says he just wishes he could remember something , but he can 't . That 's so hard . Mark adored James and spent so much time with him . . but , he just can 't remember . He 's finally asking questions . . . tough ones . Ones that I ask and have no answers for . We talked about all the wonderful lessons we learned and how we would not have ever learned those lessons if it weren 't for James . We learned that every person , no matter what the disability , deserved love and acceptance . They have amazing personalities that shine through their eyes and their limited movements . We learned unconditional love . But , then you have to ask . . why James . . why did we have to learn those lessons at the sacrifice of James ? Tough questions for an 9 year old , tough questions for a mom still muddling through some of those same issues . It 's hard being a parent . It 's hard to watch your child suffer and question life issues . At the same time , it 's wonderful to watch them learn about life and to find stability in a God that loves and saves them . One of the best lessons we learned is that God will not take awayHeather and Reese This is the true joy in life , the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one ; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy . ~ George Bernard ShawIt is not scientific doubt , not atheism , not pantheism , not agnosticism , that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel . It is a proud , sensuous , selfish , luxurious , church - going , hollow - hearted prosperity . ~ Frederic D . Huntington , in Forum magazine , 1890 People all over the world will do anything for some cash , as this blue man deftly demonstrates . This is only one of many examples of people playing instruments for money . There was a hand - less man in the Tube station , strumming his guitar with a pick strapped to the end of his stub . Isn 't there any other way for a one - handed man to make some dough ? This bloke became a dog for money . It must have been insanely hot under that blanket . Kristine poses by the artful graffiti . This was under a footbridge , where a small skate park was . It actually looked pretty cool ! My friend Javare , posing with me in front of the London Eye . This is right by The Houses of Parliament and Big Ben . A short walk away is Westminster Abbey and Trafalgar Square . Happy Independence Day ! Hope you all have a safe and fun weekend . I 've been falling down on my job . I was supposed to post on Wednesday but after work I headed to Portland to take a photography class with a friend . I didn 't get home til 11 : 30 at night . I had every intention of doing a post , but when I got home I found out the kids had let the laptop die and I just didn 't feel like messing with it . Terrible excuse , I know . Other than that , things have just been typical summer crazy . I 've decided to just ramble tonight . I 'm super excited for the 4th . Normally I really don 't care , I 'm not a big fireworks person but this year I 've talked my whole family into going to a town nearby that has a good fireworks show . I can 't wait to watch my nieces ( ages 3 and 4 ) get their first real taste of fireworks . I 'm sure they will be in awe . What about you guys ? Do you have any plans ? Do you have any 4th of July traditions ? McKenzie is all healed from her surgeries , and looks great . I can 't get enough of this smile , and she freely gives them out ! We are starting to gear up for our camping trips . I can 't wait ! I am taking the kids camping on July 10th and Dan will join us on the 11th and we will stay until the 13th . We love to camp and it 's such a great way for our family to reconnect . Dan works completely opposite schedules from the kids and I and even though we do get to see each other we don 't spend good quality time together . Then we will be home for a couple of weeks and leave August 2nd for the beach . This will be the first time that we try camping at the beach but we 've heard of a great place to go and I can 't wait to give it a try . I hope you all have an amazing fourth ! ! Have fun with your families ! ! Getting a hair cut and color can be awfully anticlimactic . I think and plan and think and plan , looking forward to that one hour where everything changes . And then , slowly the bleach is painted in and the rinsing happens and the cutting moves along at its slow and steady pace . After a hour - and - a - half , I look in the mirror and it 's done ; no fireworks , no rumbling announcements , just a quiet transition from one idea of myself to another . The only time it 's a big event is when it doesn 't turn out right , and then the event tends to be after the cut / color : the tears , the wailing , the hiding under the covers till I fall into a fitful , nightmare plagued sleep . ( An exaggeration ? Maybe ! ) Since I was in Oregon and Heather helped me turn my black hair into a shocking orange mess with the assistance of bleach in a box covered with lies ( black to platinum blonde in 90 minutes ? Nope ! ) , I 've contemplated going back to my original blonde hair . When I asked my hairstylist Pauline about it , she said I couldn 't take it from the current red ( " ginger " it 's called here ) to light blonde successfully . She suggested " heavy highlights " for a couple of visits this summer , eventually switching over completely to blonde . The deed was done this morning . What do you get when you mix blonde and red ? Orange ! But it 's ok , I still like it . It 's kind of funky , which is fine with me . I 'm ok with processes . Please keep in mind that it 's been very hot here , about 90 degrees . That might not seem hot to you , but it 's not normal here and without air conditioning and with a high humidity level it 's miserable . I look like it 's miserably hot ! Have you thought about why you are where you are ? Unless you 're living in direct disobedience to a specific call of The Lord , you haven 't just randomly dropped down by accident in a town / city / base / state / country . You 've been planted there by God 's divine wisdom . The people you come into contact with aren 't there by accident either , and neither are they in your path by coincidence . You were born for such a time as this . For some of us , that 's comforting only in the way that we know there is a larger purpose and plan behind the trials we are facing ; for others of us that means we need to look hard and long at how we are spending the time God has allotted us where we are . Are you waking up every morning looking for the why in your " chance " meetings and dealings with people ? Might there be more to it that what you have been willing to see up till this point ? Spend a moment at the foot of the throne of the Most High . Be humbled by His plan and the call He ordained for you before the dawn of time . Then stand up , walk out and be the light you were called to be . Dad has no clue how to dress Barbie . This was definitely a " had to be there " moment . McKenna tied on Barbie 's shirt way too tight and I couldn 't undo it . She was sure her dad could and I warned her there was no way he would know how to take care of it . He sure took care of it his own way , he ripped it off and busted the straps . McKenna was almost in tears when she realized he had broke her Barbie shirt . Next thing you know she is telling him to put it back on her , so he ties it in a knot around her neck and there you have it . You can 't really tell but it 's kind of a halter type shirt and Dan just tied the the straps around her neck without putting the shirt all the way on , so it 's just dangling around her neck . McKenna was NOT happy , not even a little bit . Today was my day to post . Reese and I are really trying to commit to keeping up with the blog because it is important to us . I had a really hard day at work . Things are just crazy . I asked my boss to figure out how to clone me so there could be an " at home " Heather and an " at work " Heather . I hate trying to find the balance and get it all done . Here it is 9 : 30 p . m . and I had no idea what I was going to post about until Mark came in the room . He 's such a funny kid . I had no intention of posting about Michael Jackson or his death . I have my own thoughts on it and it really doesn 't matter what I think but one thing I didn 't realize is how confusing Michael Jackson could be for our children . I mean , they didn 't watch him " evolve " . Dan was watching part of MTV 's tribute to MJ when Mark walks in and says " oh , is this about the boy Michael Jackson or the girl Michael Jackson ? " Dan and I had no clue what he could be talking about so we tell him there is no girl MJ . He then says " What do you mean ? He was once a black boy and turned into a white girl . " Now , that 's confusing , and looking at his pics I can see where Mark got that assumption . They also showed MJ singing with Slash from Guns N Roses and Mark says " Hey , that 's the guy from Guitar Hero " Dan told him that he was much more popular than Guitar Hero and Mark said " Why , because he has a funny hat , big hair and you can 't see his face ? " Uh , yeah Mark , that 's why ! Truthfully , that conversation made me feel a little old . There is no way that Mark can understand at his age why MJ or Slash are popular because they are so different from the artists of today . It 's kind of like when my mom had me listen to The Beatles and artists of her time . At 11 , I just didn 't get it . . . and , none were nearly as confusing as MJ . I hope this doesn 't come across disrespectful , because it 's not my intent . Just a glimpse into my 11 year old 's head . There was a time in the not - so - distant past that the thought of wearing something that the majority of the population deemed ugly would have sent me into a panic . Not any more . With my 30 's came a new - found confidence . Very little actually intimidates me as far as clothing is concerned . ( Unless it 's seriously immodest - I don 't like to go there . ) I 've wanted to find some dresses for the summer time ; something flowing and airy , not too short ( it gets awfully windy here ) , and low cost . I 've dubbed this summer " The Summer That Reese Wears Dresses " but only had two that looked like they belonged outside a church . Today at the BX I decided to have a quick browse to try to expand my selection . Since I 've started a weird patchwork burn / suntan pattern on my shoulders and back , I decided to look for something strapless . Viola ! Sean 's comment ? " You 're not going out in that are you ? ! " Kristine 's comments ? " No comment . " ( Then she commented . ) " You look like you 're going to a luau . " And : " I 'm sitting here in the van . There 's no way I 'm going to be seen with you in that ! . " Actually , as soon as I slipped it over my head in the fitting room I heard my friend Linda say ( in her distinctive African - British accent ) , " I don 't like it . " She 's very honest that way . She doesn 't like the color of my hair either . But she loves me . As for me : Red hair ? Bring it on ! Pigtails ? Bring it on ! Wildly unpopular dress that drags the ground and is in a crazy design ? Bring it on ! I don 't cook . Most of you know that . In fact , I actually don 't even enjoy eating , I mainly eat because obviously we have too . I really don 't enjoy cooking . I have been really proud of myself because I have cooked dinner for the last two weeks straight , a true record for me . For Dan 's birthday my mom gave him a gift certificate and you know what that man did ? He had me meet him for lunch and he spent all of his birthday money on me for kitchen stuff since I have been cooking . I bought a pizza pan ( among other things ) and last night I decided to give homemade pizza a try . I have always wanted to cook pizza at home but I have always been scared that I would ruin it and it would just be a waste of my time . I am pleased to announce that it turned out AMAZING and my family is now asking I do it every week . Here was the kids ' pepperoni pizza Here was DansHere is mine ( minus green stuff ! ) I am seriously so pleased with myself . I 'm sure those of you bakers are wondering what the big deal is , but to me this is huge and a way I can bless my family . Heather and Reese update their blog daily , as they remain friends from opposite sides of the globe . Heather resides in their mutual hometown in Oregon , while Reese lives in the UK with her military husband . They blog about books , family , marriage , travel , relationships , and the occasional odds - and - end things that make up life in the real world . The Crazyvile Chicks love God , their husbands , their kids , their country and their caffeine ! Thanks for stopping by . Enjoy a peek into their lives and friendship as they continue Kicking It In Crazyville . |
2005 College Station , Texas : I , along with my best friend Jenn , enter the pool area . It 's March which means it 's a crap shoot on what the weather will be like but on this day it was quite nice but too cold to swim . Everyone is just lounging around enjoying the sunshine . Jenn proceeds to introduce me to a bunch of dudes and a few other girls and , with the exception of a few , this crowd makes up our entire gang headed to Gulf Shores for one last colligate spring break trip . I am in the minority of only knowing two in the group but almost instantly , everyone is a friend . I specifically remember seeing a six pack of beers floating in the pool . I laughed out loud and asked who did that ( pretty genius since the water was so cold ) and it was none other then Josh . This is the trip that ended with The Hubs relentlessly pursuing me , to which he eventually succeeded . Honestly , spring break isn 't a place where you 'd meet someone you can really connect with but this spring break was different . Well before dawn , we squished too many people into a group of cars and caravanned the ten hours . We had the coolest baby blue beachfront house with some of the coolest people filling up the rooms . We played endless rounds of beer pong ( which no one wanted me on their team ) , the guys jammed on their guitars , suntanning , SO much time porch sitting talking ( and drinking ) and making memories of a lifetime . I 'll try and shorten up this long story : Josh wouldn 't take no for an answer . He came up to visit and asked me to dinner . I told him I had homework . When I finally conceded , I made two of my girls come to dinner with us . The next visit we spent more time without chaperones and the rest is history . I fell for him . After both of our graduations , The Hubs had a job lined up in San Antonio and I had just lost mine . I wasn 't willing to continue the long distance with another two hours ( five total ) between us . He promised me that he intended to marry me ( with a ring ) and convinced me to move to San Antonio a brief nine months after meeting . When you know , you know . Another eight months later , we snuck off to the justice of the peace and got hitched . We wanted to buy a house and being married helped that process and we were already planning on it anyhow . Josh proposed the night before by borrowing a guitar at an open mic night and sang Who I Am by Wade Bowen . I was on my lunch break and had to get back to my temp job . No one knew . We were saving money for our wedding and we didn 't want people to skip our actual wedding because we were already married . So it stayed a secret . For the most part . Josh slipped up in his excitement to a few people , after one too many but they kept it under wraps for us ( as far as we know ) . And I 've never looked back . The last ten years have been full of ups and downs but I wouldn 't changed a single moment because all of it combined , has brought us to this point in our lives . And I 'll say , it 's a damn good place for us . October 20 , 2016lallen28821 Comment Our boys turned three years old . Three years have gone by since those teeny tiny little nuggets entered our world and changed everything . I could cry . As ALL parents say , it really does go by fast . The days of newborns are the longest and the shortest days in the weirdest way possible . After that , it just picks up pace . I never wished to " rush " through any phase ( even potty training ) because I knew once it was over , that was it . My West . He is exactly that , a momma 's boy . The world ends if Daddy attempts to dry Weston off after the bath tub . I use that to my advantage and he hops out of the bath super fast . Weston is a ball of emotion on most days and can swing from being the sweetest , loving , giggly boy to incredibly frustrated and upset with anyone and everyone . He is a lot like me in that sense … every feeling is full of emotion . He looks out for Corbin and loves to introduce them to other people , first saying his name and then pointing out Corbin . At their three year check up , Weston weighed in at 33 lbs and 38 . 5 ″ tall . He is slightly above the fiftieth percentile for weight and right at the seventy fifth percentile for height . Weston still naps on occasion and when he does , he naps hard . He sleeps through the night like a champ , rarely getting up and on most days I can hardly get him out of bed in the morning ( again , similar to mom ) . Things I don 't want to forget : Every morning , Weston runs into my arms and tucks his head into my neck so his eyes can get used to the light . When I go to pick him up from school , he grins and squeezes me so tight and says , " I 'm so glad you 're here " . When he laughs at his brother , its a full belly laugh if Cor does something silly and the way he says big words like , " incredible and amazing " when we go new places . How Weston always wants to help me with chores . Corbin is still more of a Daddy 's boy . He wakes up early on most days to make sure he sees Daddy before he leaves for work . Daddy always says goodbye but Corbin will look for him half of the morning , asking where he went . Corbin is my snuggle bug though and will lay with me for a few minutes before he fully wake up and always wants to play what I call Marco Mommy with me . If I am in another room he will call , " mommy " and I respond and this continues until he locates me . Corbin is more independent then his brother though and likes to entertain himself , but he also really loves to aggravate Weston . He will take a toy he knows Weston wants and then run away and make Weston chase him . It usually ends with Corbin throwing it behind the couch / table / tub and Weston in tears . I can only image how these " fights " will progress . Corbin weighed in at 30 . 2 pounds and 38 inches tall . His weight falls just below the fiftieth percentile and his hight was at the seventy fifth . Tall and lean as he has always been . Corbin sleeps through the night about 60 % of the time . He sometimes wakes up to go potty or needs reassurance after a bad dream . Sometimes he just comes in to snuggle ( to which we send him back to bed ) . It 's a small prayer every night that he ( we ) make it through . Things I don 't want to forget : Corbin with his blanket and sucking his thumb ( I know ) . How he will share with his brother and , if Weston is upset , he tries to fix it . Corbin will thank you for doing something for him ( like Daddy built the playground for them and a month later , he 's still saying thank you ) . How he has the goofiest grin when someone tells him to smile for a picture . How much he loves to build parking lots ( cars lined up ) , when he tells me " follow me Mommy " and pulls my hand . How animated and excited he is when he talks about everything . The nuggets are total boys . They love trains trucks , cars , dirt and messes . They 're not so much into bugs … yet . In the love of all trucks , we had a Fire Truck themed birthday party . I found Fire Truck 2 You with Fireman Scott , that brings a real fire truck right to your party . It was so outstanding , I couldn 't recommend a more fun event . I actually attended a community event last night and discovered we are kinda infamous in the neighborhood from this party since the mayor 's daughter in law stopped to inquire about it . Whoa , right ? The boys were in love with every aspect , except honking the horn . Corbin did that once and scared more than half the party 's attendants , including himself and that was that . No more honking . But each child had the opportunity to climb in and out of the truck , turn on the lights , push buttons , etc . They had fireman outfits to put on and Fireman Scott even talked about firemen and how they are there to help and not to be scared . It was truly a unique and exciting party for the boys . My next door neighbor ( who brought his grand daughter ) was my favorite , as he was as interested in participating as the three year olds . I couldn 't recommend Fire Truck 2 You and Scott to more people then I have , i . e . , everyone . If you have a kiddo between the ages of three to ten , it is a GREAT party idea . I mom failed on the pictures and relied on everyone else to capture the day . Luckily , I have great friends . The Nuggets can swim . Like , really swim . Put their little faces into the water and swim across the pool to our waiting arms . Take leaping jumps off the edge and swim . This is a major improvement from the initial swim lessons we took last year and earlier this summer . I am absolutely certain that those lessons were important in their success but Suzy 's Swim School in Arlington is in a different league . In August , we also took a trip to Broken Bow , OK . I couldn 't live there ( this girl doesn 't do country full time ) but gosh , I love that place . It 's so stink ' n beautiful and it doesn 't hurt that we stay in these gorgeous luxury cabins . Jenn graciously opened up her always clean , ( kid free ) beautifully decorated home so we had the best setting . I really enjoy hosting and attending baby showers as I L O V E how our group of friends keeps growing . Life is so good . The boys started pre - school today but I 'll save that for my next post . What , might you ask , did I do with my time while I was free … ? Nothing fancy . Just a work out and a little lunch across town with a bestie and furniture shopping . Shopping where I didn 't chase toddlers around begging ( and praying ) that they don 't break anything . It was heaven . Fortunately , right before the boys were born I came across a picture on a twin mama blog that I about died over . It was sooo precious . Lucky for me , that twin mama is DFW based ! What are the odds ? ! So I sought out the photographer and she 's taken our pictures since . July 11 , 2016July 11 , 2016lallen2882Leave a comment We took a trip last week to Wisconsin because one of my cousin 's got married . My family is incredibly special and we have so much fun when we get together . Which , since we 're in Texas , isn 't enough for me . Halfway through our lunch , Corbin turned to Josh and opened his mouth . He looked like he was in pain . I said to The Hubs , something is wrong with him . Initially , we both thought he had something in his teeth , so Josh reached in and pulled out a half chewed piece of cantaloupe . Then I heard Corbin make a gargle noise and I realized he was choking . I said that to Josh and he grabbed him and turned him over on his leg and started to pat him hard on the back . Just as we were told to do when we had our class before the boys were released from the NICU . I sat across from him in the booth and saw Corbin going blue . I stood up and started to panic . I jumped up and went to turn and run into the main part of the restaurant for help but I just yelled , " he 's not breathing " ! ! Then I remembered I recently read that after they 're over a year old you are supposed to perform abdominal thrusts / the Heimlich . So in my freak out , I snatched Corbin and did about three abdominal thrusts ( if you want to call it that … I didn 't take the time to make sure my hand placement was correct ) but he made a noise like he was trying to cry , so Josh told me to put him down . He reached into his mouth and pulled out a slightly rounded piece of cantaloupe . Corbin began to really cry at that point . Then he stopped and asked if he could eat a hotdog . He was totally fine . We were not . I couldn 't stop shaking . Fire and EMT arrived because ( Thank GOD ) the restaurant employees called 911 immediately . They told me we did everything correctly and checked out Corbin 's lungs and oxygen saturation . He was chatting it up with them like nothing had happened . I cut up the Nuggets ' food religiously . We cut their grapes in half and quarter their hot dogs . I 'm diligent about the size of toys they play with to ensure they cant get anything into their mouths . I discourage giving them popcorn . Yet here we are on vacation and , although I had cut up the cheese curds , the mini corn dogs and French fries , I failed to cut up his fruit . I cut up Weston 's because he was sitting right next to me . I just thought that The Hubs or I would get to it before he started eating it . I got to experience the scariest thing I 've ever been through , in my life . And I don 't want to ever have to go through that EVER again . I balled my eyes out the second we left the restaurant . It 's still hard to shake . The Hubs and I both have had several break downs and I had to tell myself to stop thinking about the worst case senario we could have faced . Because we had the best case senario . He 's completely fine . After a pretty long day of travel we arrived home with two incredibly tired kiddos and one I 'm pretty sure is getting a cold . Happens every . single . time . we travel . The other interesting thing about this trip is I have been giving myself a hard time about being a " helicopter mom " . You know , reading Scary Mommy blog ( there is more than one ) about ruining it for other moms or some bullshit . It 's my kids and I 'm going to be the BEST mom I know how to be and that means keeping my kids healthy , safe and alive . I feel like I needed to take a break but now I 'm a little disappointed that I did . Mostly because I love being able to go back and recall with certainty things we 've done throughout the months … Because they keep flying by ! So much has happened and I can 't even begin to cover it all so I 'll update as I get back into the swing of things . I have to translate some of what they say to other people but most of it is understandable . Now if they start talking about pretend stuff , the majority of people ( including The Hubs ) need assistance . They both love to introduce themselves and each other when someone asks them their names . Never fails , each time someone asks , Weston speaks up first and says , " I Weton , he Cormin " . They also know Mommy and Daddy 's names and it 's funny to hear them say Lindsey or Josh . We spend our summer days playing inside / outside in the morning , story time at the library or running errands . Before school let out the Toddler Time at Urban Air Trampoline park was a weekly destination . SO FUN . Even I really enjoy myself . It was only $ 5 a kid and parents jump free . It 's discontinued for the summer though . Totally worth it and we 're ready for it to come back . About once a a week , I drop them at Kids Park to play for a few hours while I run around ( and get 100 % more done ) without them . It 's always a nice break for all of us . I have developed a bit of a shopping addiction at Old Navy though . They 're still going down for a nap at 1 : 00p but I now have to sit in the room with them , otherwise they just play forever and fall asleep right before I am supposed to go in and get them up . So it 's usually a 1 : 30p - 3 : 00p nap . 99 % of the time , I have to go in and wake them up . I 'm sure they 'd sleep until 4 : 00 and not go to bed until midnight . No thanks . We spend the afternoon swimming or playing inside . Playing outside or at the park in the afternoon isn 't really an option because it 's Texas and it 's June and therefore 90 ° + and that 's just too hot for these little guys . Luckily , they really enjoy swimming and during our lessons , they 're really doing well ! Kicks and reaches , bubbles and big jumps off the side of the pool . I 'm quite proud of my little fishes . Bedtime is a bit of a battle and we 're about to transition to big boy beds . Which is going to make it even less fun but it 's time , because Weston is crawling to the top of the rails now and saying he is trying to get into Corbin 's crib . An injury is just waiting to happen and I 'd like to avoid it . I 'm just waiting until after our trip to WI in less than two weeks . So there is an update on our Nuggets . Life in general has been super busy too . In January , The Hubs switched companies and is really enjoying his new role which is blessedly less stressful on him . We took a spontaneous ski trip to Red River . In February my younger brother proposed to his girl and we couldn 't be happier ! March we were in Katy for Easter . We also had ANOTHER slab leak , this time in the kitchen . A few weeks later we discovered a faulty connection which leaked water all over the carpet and ruined our kitchen floors . So we 're getting new floors soon ! The kitchen remodel might actually get completed . 15 months in the working ! ! Ugh . Life 🙂 Whew . That was a lot ! Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things here because I barely scratched the surface . Gotta start somewhere , right ? January 14 , 2016January 14 , 2016lallen28821 Comment December was a busy and exciting month this year and when it came to a close I was kinda sad . I 'll get to that later . Quick recap … . just a couple of weeks late . This year we bought tickets for the North Pole Express in Grapevine and it was magical . In all actuality , we could have waited another year for the boys to fully understand the whole concept . As an adult though , it was so sweet to see all the other children who were SO excited . Gramma Dee and Scott joined us on the adventure . The North Pole Express starts at the Vintage Grapevine Railroad . There were concessions ( corn dogs , hot chocolate , steak on a stake ( har - har ) ) to snack on before loading as you need to be there 45 - 50 minutes prior to your boarding time . You can also pop into the Vetro Glass Blowing studio and watch them make really gorgeous pieces . They 'll even allow you to make your own glass ornament . Maybe we will do that in future years when the $ 30 ornament won 't be broken by one of the Nuggets about 4 seconds after hanging it on the tree . We waited in line for about 15 minutes before they loaded us onto the train . The boys were interested in the actual " choo - choo " but once we were on the train , it wasn 't quite as interesting . This is why I think it 'll have more of a statement next year . The train moves east at a pretty slow pace for about 10 - 12 minutes and everyone is encouraged to sing Christmas carols with the friendly elves . After the train ride we walked through a beautiful forrest of Christmas trees while SNOW was pumped though the area . I didn 't get a picture because , although we were supposed to be walking , everyone else was stopping to get pictures and the bottleneck was throwing my anxiety into overdrive . We proceeded into a large tent with colorful lights and patiently waited for Santa . We were entertained with singing and dancing elves and finally Santa arrived . The overall excitement level rose 100 % with all of the children ( except mine ) and it was very sweet . Afterwards everyone was given chocolate milk from Santa . Somehow , I managed to not take a single picture of us , or the boys in our Christmas best … # momfail . Afterwards , we joined good friends , who were in from out of town , for a tradition of making egg rolls . We went two years ago with the boys and they were only a couple of months old and everyone was just in awe as to much they 've grown . Once we had all the present opening completed and cleaned up , we had a quick breakfast and loaded up to go to Gramma 's house . Again , minimal pictures ( some photographer I am ) . A day filled with lots of family , more presents and tons of food was outstanding . Christmas ( actually the entire holiday season of 2015 ) seemed to fly by this year , faster than years in the past . I wasn 't ready to take down the decor ( maybe because it took almost the whole month to get my house decorated in the first place ) . I wasn 't ready to pack up the Christmas attire or get rid of the tree . Alas , time keeps moving even if I 'm not ready for it . 2015 was a bit sad for me because I was hoping to get another Nugget in the oven and it didn 't happen . Infertility stands strong in this family and although we were hopeful that the first IVF process would " get things moving " , as Dr . Le put it , no such luck for us . God has a plan . God has a plan . God has a plan . It 's my manta . 2015 was an incredible year . We 've slowly started to complete home improvement projects that we 've been dreaming about for 2 . 5 years . I get to stay home with my Nuggets as a stay at home mama bear , something I never thought we would be able to do and our whole family is healthy . God is good . December 17 , 2015December 17 , 2015lallen2882Leave a comment While talking with my bestie yesterday she asked a few questions about how / what we did with the boys at " X " age . I couldn 't remember specifically and I thought I could go back through the blog to figure out when we did something . I had a similar conversation with myself here . So my babies are little toddlers . Like , real little toddlers . When Erin was over with Vivienne , who is two months , the Nuggets were S O big . I had to go back and look at videos from when they were that age and it seriously made me cry . They love to destroy mess with our tree . In all fairness of " toddlerhood " they aren 't all that bad with the tree . Weston likes to pull the ornaments off ( and throw it back at the tree to see if it 'll stick ) and touch the lights . We 've had several time - out sessions about trying to unplug / plug the lights in though . Corbin just touches for the most part . There are no presents under the tree because neither will leave them alone . # Understandable . We visited Santa at the Parks of Arlington Mall and it was fantastic ! Well I thought it was . The boys were kind of terrified of the sleigh ride experience . Yep , this little trip was totally worth it because we got to talk to Shrek and Donkey on the Skype - phone , take an interactive flight school , " fly a sleigh " , build a ginger bread cookie and THEN we met Santa . Totally worth the $ 11 for the picture . They are finally talking ! Like putting - multiple - words - together - in - a - sentence kind of talking . Weston hears everything we say and , like a little echo , says it back to us . They both try to say anything we ask them to repeat , although it doesn 't always sound like the words . They are trying though and that 's what is important . The refer to both of themselves and each other as Wey - wey and Cor - cor . Not always accurately . After Thanksgiving , both boys came home with a cold . Weston 's turned into a sinus infection so we were at the doctor . He weighs 29 lbs and is 35 . 5 ″ tall . He wears a 2T / 3T , depending on the store . West knows all of his colors and can almost count to five . He is developing his independence daily . Code for : he is in time out more often these days for not listening , hitting or throwing things . Weston eats okay . He isn 't into meat much unless it is ground ( turkey / beef / chicken ) and even then , it 's hit or miss . He love broccoli with cheese which is a win in my book . I still sneak veggies were ever I can and they both like almost all fruit . He loooooooooves snacks . Weston is still sleeping well ( except when sick ) but is having a harder time falling asleep before nap / bedtime . He 's not crying or getting upset but he takes anywhere for 40 minutes to an hour . We 've tried pushing bedtime back but he continues to need that wind down time . It 's been this way , on and off , for a while now . I 'm not sure but I 'm beginning to think that the ( sacred ) nap time might be too long . We also cut the tail off Weston 's monkey last month . Have I already mentioned that ? What does that mean exactly … . ? A friend of mine gave both boys a little monkey that holds on / attached to a lovey ( tiny blanket ) . Corbin found his thumb early on but Weston discovered the monkey . He didn 't love on the lovey part but instead would suck on the tail . He 's done this since we stopped swaddling them . We would rotate the two monkeys and wash them as much as possible but it was still gross . Daddy decided it was time to cut it off and I was terrified we 'd have a very upset boy . The Hubs told Weston that he bit it off . He was slightly confused and would still search for it but he held up pretty well . I also wonder if this is why he takes so much longer to go to sleep as we took away the way he soothes himself . Corbin did not have to go to the doctor so the scale at home says he weighs 27 . 8 pounds and he is approximately the same height as West , so I 'm going with about 35 ″ tall . He could be the exact same height but it 's like herding cats to get them to stand still and / or next to one another so I don 't know for sure . Corbin is an even picker eater then I thought he could be . He has pretty much a total aversion to meat unless it 's a hot dog ( ugh ) . He loves to dip things , is totally into snacks and is crazy about refried beans . He also looooooves carrots . So thats a plus . Corbin is not quite as assertive as Weston but he still lets me know his dissatisfaction . Usually by sobbing his eyes out , whereas his brother hits / throws / screams . I have to tell myself constantly to be consistent because it 's SO much harder not to cave when he is SO sad . The Hubs can barely take it . He loses his mind a little bit when they get upset . Corbin is obsessed with his blankie and sucks his thumb . I am starting to see the thumb taking a toll on his teeth . He sucks his left thumb , off to the side of his mouth and the left front too is starting to stick out . I also sucked my thumb as a kid and my teeth were terrible ( I wore braces for 7 years ) . I have no idea how we would start to break him of this habit anytime soon . I think he 's still too little . He sleeps awesome , with the exception of the occasional bad dream . He will wake up crying but as soon as you go in , pat him on the back and reassure him that you are there , he goes right back to sleep . This weekend we have tickets to ride the North Pole Express in Grapevine and I am beyond excited . The tickets go on sale in October and they are a hot commodity . You have to buy them EARLY . I barely got enough for all of us ( Gramma Dee & Scott will be participating in the fun too ) . I think I should actually watch the Polar Express movie to know what the whole thing is based around but I know the Nuggets are going to be absolutely delighted that they get to ride a choo - choo . This Christmas season we have already had so much fun crafting ornaments , attempts making a gingerbread house , destroying decorating the Christmas tree and shopping . Let 's not talk about how that last one goes . My mom had two spinal surgery procedures at the beginning of November . Her doctor did what many doctors do and told her that she would be up and running in about two weeks . Momo had surgery on a Tuesday , released on Wednesday ( crazy right ? ) and began her recovery . By Saturday she was feeling " pretty good " . I called to check in with my moms several times . On Monday morning the Nugs and I Facetime - d Mo to check up . We were pleasantly surprised to also get to FT Pop - pop … ? Pop - pop was supposed to be at work . Turns out , Momo wasn 't recovering quite as quickly as anticipated and was suffering from " angry " nerve shocks . Mom was on several ( like 12 ) different Rx 's and wasn 't okay to be home alone . Once I hung up , I thought , maybe I could help … ? My daddy is an auto - mechanic and like many " blue collar " careers , they do not get paid a salary and don 't get paid at all when not working . Regardless of how awesome and relevant they are to their field . So I called up The Hubs and we discussed me and the boys driving down ( to Katy , TX ) to help out . I 'm very grateful that we were even able to offer this level of help to my parents . When I got there , I realized that it was super important that someone be there with my mom and I 'm very glad that I went . She was out of it . Mom 's bff made a ton of food and a nice spreadsheet sorting out all the prescriptions and the times they needed to be taken , which gave me a great head start . But mom needed more help . So that 's what I did . Changed bandages , doled out pills , picked up Rx 's , and cooked . Assisted wherever I could . The Nugs did their best to be good boys and they surpassed any expectation I could have conceived . They were stuck in a house for four days and they were S O good . AND they are both teething . All four incisors are coming in for both of them . How they were so well behaved is beyond me . They knew their help was needed too . We did sneak out to the park one day that the weather was nice and Momo was napping . # eyelashes . On Friday , I was set to go home and an unexpected doctor 's visit was needed . My brother helped out by meeting us downtown and drove mom home so I could start the trek back to DFW . Again , the Nuggets schmoozed and flirted with everyone in the doctor 's office with all their cuteness and then promptly passed out for two hours on the way home . Total Angels . A short stint at home for the weekend , with a trip to our other Gramma 's house for quick visit . Little boys and big tractors ! All the heart eyes … Pies from scratch , all hands on deck . Don 't mind the zero - make up and devilish smile … I was tired . My SIL couldn 't keep her eyes open 🙂 Dinner was delish and we were a super thankful family . Health ( for the most part ) , love , and a new baby on the way … what 's not to be thankful for ? Cowboys game was horrendous but let 's not think about that . By the time we were thinking of getting back on the road ( AGAIN ) my mom was doing much better . Her spunky and dorky personality had begun to shine through . Again , very grateful for the abundant blessings . The boys woke up with stuffy heads on Saturday , so we decided to get home . We had a few days to ourselves before it was time for The Hubs to return to work and we used them clean and try to get organized . Annnd a little bit of fun . The Sea Life Aquarium in Grapevine surpassed my expectations . I knew I wanted to take the boys but I wanted to go at at time The Hubs could experience it with us . B U T I also wanted to avoid the major crowds . Which meant we needed to try it out on a week day , while school was in session . This worked out perfectly . There were maybe 6 - 8 other kiddos similar in age to the Nugs and I didn 't have a heart attack trying to keep track of two boys and a stroller all moving in different directions . It was perfect . The boys ooo - ed and ahhh - ed at each new exhibit . We followed up that adventure with one that didn 't go quite as well . Since the aquarium is located in Grapevine Mills Mall we scooted over to Rain Forest Cafe for lunch . The put us at a table next to the lion display , which most kids would have thought was super cool . Corbin was terrified . Josh juggled him and his hamburger before finally asking for the check . Weston was okay but a little weary . Maybe next year ? December is loaded with Christmas parties and fun events that we look forward to but I didn 't want to stop to remember what a special and adventurous November for 2015 brought to us . With trips to Broken Bow , LOTS of yummy food and time with family , I 'm beginning to think it might be my favorite month of the year . We 'll see what December has to say about that . Every year I say we 're going to be one of those cool families that has a group coordinated costume and every year ( for the past two ) I 've failed on a grand scheme . NEXT YEAR ! Anyways , soak up this cuteness . I didn 't take great pictures but it was mostly because we waited too long to get them ready to go . Tots are supposed to be out first and all of a sudden , we had trick or treaters at our door and we weren 't ready to go yet . Enter me running around like a nut . And I tried to throw together a " costume " at the last second . So it was kind of a rush to get out the door . The Nuggets really liked going to each door and knocking . That was their favorite . Weston would walk up the path to the door saying , " knack knack " . Soooooo cute ! Several of our neighbors made the mistake of offering the bowl to the boys to pick which candy they wanted … they might be young but the desire for sweets must be ingrained at birth because the boys tried to take twenty pieces of candy off each person . The boys have been two years of age for a month . In that month , they 're blossoming . They are saying so much more than before . Echoing everything we say , even though their version is not comprehensible . Corbin is always copying our mannerisms ( time to start watching ourselves ) . Also trying to help me with everything ; laundry , cleaning ( which ends up the opposite of cleaning ) , emptying the dishwasher , anything really . Weston is getting closer to saying both of their names . He calls Corbin , Cor - cor … which is a nickname I call him on occasion . He also says Weston as Waa - waa . Pretty much anything with a W is pronounced like that , but he 's really trying . Corbin William has the flirting down . When he wants something , he nods his head and makes this little smirk and then says " pleeeeeeease " . Annnnd then you melt and give him exactly what he wants . We also went to Broken Bow , OK last weekend with some dear friends . The Hubs ' family grew up going to Beavers Bend S . P . and told me about it , often . When we lived in San Antonio , traveling to OK would have taken almost nine hours , so it was out of the question . When we moved to Houston , it was still about a seven hour journey , which wasn 't something we wanted to do for just a weekend . Now that we finally moved back to the Dallas area , we went for the first time about four years ago . And now I get it . We initially stayed in the state park but shortly thereafter , we discovered these beautiful log cabins in the direct vicinity . The following year we got a group of friends together and rented one of the cabins , I prefer the luxury glamping to the state park cabins . What girl wouldn 't ? The summer time was gorgeous as Broken Bow Lake is like nothing you can get in Texas , but it 's R E A L L Y hard to beat the fall leaves and cool temperatures . With the boys being born in the fall , and then being pretty little still the following year , this is the first time we 've been back . They loved it ! Just a bonus that the cabin had a playground ! And several of the Beavers Bend Adventures cabin rentals are pet friendly . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Joseph lay exhausted on top of Fazzi , his cock slowly softening and finally popping out . The Arab was in a state of sublime rapture . He was almost comatose , unable to move or do anything except breath heavily . Joseph rolled himself off Fazzi and lay beside him . Fazzi lying on his belly , his face down , while the soldier was on his back , staring blankly up at the ceiling . Fazzi opened his eyes and looked over to Joseph , smiled and said , ' Are you OK ? ' ' Yes . Why do you ask ? ' Joseph inquired . ' I 'm fine . What about you ? Did I hurt you ? I did not mean to be so rough . I just lost control and got carried away . ' ' I am fine , better than I have been in many years . Perhaps better than I have ever been . God that was wonderful , I have never felt this way before - not even with my first lover . ' He moved his face over to Joseph 's and kissed him . ' I do not know if we will be able to have this bed coverlet cleaned . We might even have to replace it , but it was worth it . ' Joseph kissed him back and said , ' I 'm sorry about the cover . You are going to think this is a stupid idea , but maybe we should frame it and hang it as a reminder of our first love session . Perhaps I should show it to the men of the village to prove that we consummated our union by making you orgasm . You know , sort of a variation on the custom where the relatives of the bride parade the bloodied wedding night sheets before the village to prove the bride was a virgin . ' ' Habibi , I am not a virgin . I have not hidden the fact that I have had many , many men as well as women in my bed . You know that I lost my virginity at a very early age . However , today , I felt like all that happened to another person and that I was reborn a virgin again . The old Fazzi no longer exists . I never felt like this . Not even the first time . ' Fazzi said with tears in his eyes , ' and in all honesty I am telling you that I now realize that you are the only one that I have ever loved . I know that you may not feel that way about me now , but I hope someday to make you love me as much as I love you . ' ' Why do you say that , Habibi ? Why do you question my feelings for you now ? If you loved me as much as you say you do , you would not have any reason to distrust my commitment to you . Have I given you any reason to doubt my feelings for you ? ' ' No , absolutely nothing at all . ' He said running his fingers up , down and across Joseph 's chest and arms placing little kisses in their wake . ' It is just that I am the first man lover you have ever had . You are really inexperienced and have not had the pleasure of loving or being loved by a man . Yussef , my love , do you realize that this is the first time that you did not leave our love making and run to the bathroom in order to throw - up . ' ' Yes , I realized that . ' He said as he again kissed the man beside him . ' Perhaps it is because I have finally come to face who and what I am . ' ' At this point I 'm not sure if it is or not . I need time to get used to this . You must remember that I have been programmed to believe that what we just did is a mortal sin . One for which there is absolutely no forgiveness . In the life to come , I will burn in Hell . And this is to say nothing about what could happen , in this life , if the army was to find out . It will ruin any career I might have hoped to have there . However , this feels too good to be bad and at this point I really don 't care . In spite of all that I have been brought up to believe from my childhood on , I still cannot stop myself from finding pleasure in the act or in you . This pleasure means more to me than the army , my country or my soul and all I can say is that I 'm hopelessly in love with you . ' Joseph smiled as he got out of the bed and went into the bathroom , leaving the door open , he removed the condom and washed himself off . He returned with a warm wet washcloth to clean Fazzi off . ' See my stomach is fine , no heaving , in fact , to prove it , I think it would be a great idea if you were to call the cook and tell her to prepare a good meal for us . . . . I 'm famished . During super we can plan our day tomorrow . I hope you do not have to go into work . ' ' I can see that your whole attitude has changed and for the better . I know that this is just the beginning of a wonderful time for the both of us . A time of love and discovery , one perhaps filled with pitfalls , but one we will travel together . ' Fazzi said , ' As far as working tomorrow , no whatever work I may have , can be put off till Saturday when you will be gone . I will hate to see you leave , but I must have some time to devote to business . If you were to live here full time I would never get to work . It is good that , for now anyway , you have your career and I have mine . The only thing I have arranged is just a session with a tailor for the late morning tomorrow . Then we are free until that meeting with Worthington in the late afternoon . The rest of the time is ours to do with what we want . ' ' I was thinking of asking that dancer , Dina , to come to the house for a private performance tomorrow evening , after the meeting . Just for the two of us - a private erotic warm - up session , but I don 't think you need any ' warming - up . ' He laughed . ' You seem to be able to perform without any aphrodisiacs . You , my young Christian Crusader lover , are the male reincarnation of that Greek goddess , Aphrodite , ' he said lifting the phone and calling down to cook telling her to prepare the evening meal . They cleaned up and went down to eat . On the way there Fazzi told Joseph to go on to the dinning room by himself while he stopped to give some last minute instructions to his chauffer - valet about what he would need for Worthington 's meeting the next day . He rejoined Joseph at the table , where the cook set before them a feast , which Joseph ate like a pig . ' Yes this is great food . ' He said between mouthfuls . ' Easy my love . You keep shoveling that couscous in like that and you will get as fat as a cow . I 'm not too sure I would relish a fat lover on top of me . ' Fazzi said . ' Good food should be savored , not treated like garbage to be disposed of as quickly as possible . ' ' You are right , but unfortunately I have become used to eating Army cooking and that slop I tend to want to get rid of quickly . ' Joseph said . ' If it pleases you , I will try to develop my table manners more . After all we are going to live together and I do not want anything to harm that relationship . Fazzi looked into Joseph 's eyes , smiled and then said as he took Joseph 's palm to his lips , ' Yussef nothing is going to harm our , relationship . Anyone or anything that comes between it will be pushed aside . Just like I got rid of Kassie and Mary , it will always be just you and I - together . ' ' Yes I know that , I too , spoke with them and things are going well there . It costs me a fortune but this way everyone is happy except Kassie and perhaps you , habibi ? Do you miss her ? ' Putting down his eating utensils , Joseph reached under the table and ran his fingers along the Arab 's leg between his thighs and let his hand rest on the man 's basket . With his other hand he picked up his coffee cup and said , ' I think you can see that , I am happy here with you . Now tell me everything that might happen at this meeting tomorrow . I want to be sure that there are no surprises or anything that would embarrass Mr . Worthington . ' ' Well there is one person , perhaps two , that might cause a bit of trouble . You remember that man at the meeting that did not trust ' Wall Street ' types . He keeps trying to sabotage this project and I don 't know what questions he might ask . ' Fazzi said raising his palms upwards . ' I just hope Richard can think on his feet . The last thing I want is for something to get screwed up . I want us to earn a lot of money . That money is needed very badly right now . Most of the funds from our so - called Arab brethren in the oil rich countries have been cut off from those poor souls in Palestine and this money will be used to fund schools and hospitals and other social services that are almost nonexistent now . ' ' Why invite him then . Would it not be better to just have him disappear for the evening ? ' That would be the bullies way . That would be doing things the old way . I want this done the American way . If we are going to invest in America we will have to start thinking and acting like Americans . Besides , in case something goes wrong and we loose money , I do not want to have ' an I told you so ' guy throwing it in my face . It will be fun to see if Richard can handle him . In any event I can always arrange to have him ' disappear ' later . ' He said with that understated smirk that Joseph knew meant that he was not really joking . For a few seconds he reminded the soldier of Marlon Brando playing the Godfather . Joseph sat drinking his coffee and wondered if he really was joking or not . He got the impression that Fazzi enjoyed seeing people tested and perhaps seeing them twist and squirm as he thrust them up on a big bar - be - cue spit . Maybe even burn a little as he threw another log on the fire as he turned the handle himself . They finished their dinner and made their plans for tomorrow and Friday . A while later Joseph excused himself and said he wanted to finish his unpacking . He made his way to his room and put his things away . He was just finishing unpacking the last of his possessions and was looking for a place to store the pistol that Barns had issued him , when Fazzi knocked on the connecting door . ' Do you mind if I come in ? ' Fazzi asked opening the door and peeking in . Quickly slipping the gun back into his overnight case and closing the lid of his luggage he called out , ' No come on in . Why do you knock and ask ? I have nothing to hide from you . I told you I want us to be ' as one being ' . We have to learn to trust each other . ' ' Yussef , it has nothing to do with trust . It has to do with privacy ; this is your private space . I want you to feel that this room is your sanctuary and you have the right to be alone if you want to be . I will never enter here without asking first . ' ' That is one thing more that I will have to get used to . In the army there is no such thing as privacy . I will have to try to remember to knock when I enter your bedroom . ' Joseph said . ' However , you do realize that having to knock has just remove some of the love making scenarios I had fantasized about . I had planned on sneaking up on you in the shower and . . . . . . ' Laughing almost to the point of having tears in his eyes , Fazzi said , ' well , in that case , I have the perfect solution , let us declare the bathroom as neutral territory . Speaking of which I think I 'm going to get ready for bed now . We have a big day tomorrow and I think a good night 's sleep will do us both a world of good . ' Will you be wanting me to sleep alone in my room tonight ? ' Joseph asked dolefully . ' If a good nights sleep is what you want perhaps we should sleep apart ? ' ' Yussef , darling , you can assume that I will want you in my bed with me every night from now on . I want to be able to wake up with you next to me every morning . Even if we just sleep together and nothing else . ' Fazzi said as he started to return to his room through the connecting bathroom . ' If we do sleep apart , I will assume that we have had a lover 's spat . ' ' Oh Fazzi , one thing more , ' stammered the soldier who was not too sure if Fazzi might not have seen the pistol being covered up or not . ' I did a rather foolish thing that I don 't think you are going to like or approve of it . But , I did it because I love you . I thought it was a good idea at the time and I still do . ' ' Well I know that your driver carries a gun and since there will be times when you and I would be alone in my car - I thought you might feel more at ease if you knew I could provide you with the same degree of protection that he does . ' He lied . ' I 'm a good shot and I do know how to use it . As a Sergeant I do carry a sidearm and I am licensed to carry a weapon . Besides which , who would you rather have protecting you - a paid employee or someone that loves you and is looking out for your welfare ? One another reason is that that if I 'm to live in Paterson there are sections of this town where I might need that gun . ' ' I 'm glad you told me about the gun . I just wish it were not necessary for me to employ bodyguards , but it is . As long as you are careful and don 't behave like a cowboy , it is OK with me . ' Fazzi said and smiled to himself , as he already knew about the gun . Unknown to the soldier , while they were eating , he had his chauffeur go through Joseph 's belongings . The chauffeur 's revelation about the gun had worried him , but now , he breathed a sigh of relief because Joseph had , on his own , told him about the gun and the reason he had it . ' Just make sure that you secure the weapon in a safe place . Tomorrow I will have a cabinetmaker install a lock on that night table . You can keep it there . ' He walked over to Joseph and held him in his arms and kissed him . ' I want you to know that I love you for everything you have done for me and this above all . This wanting to protect me with your life , if need be , proves to me beyond any doubt how you feel about me . I am sorry that I had any doubts about your commitment to me . I am most sorry that because of my work and lifestyle that I have placed you in danger , too . There are people out there who would like nothing better than to do me in . And now that you are going to be connected with me , they might want to take out their frustrations on you as well . It is good that I now know you are going to take precautions as well . I was going to have my bodyguard protect you as well , but now I will have him familiarize you with the security system and make you a partner in the setup . When you are discharged from the army and living here all the time , you will not only be my lover and my partner , but I will have you take over our security . Then I will be able to get rid of that idiot driver . Enough of that crap now , lets get ready for bed . . . I 'm going to take a shower before I retire . ' Joseph watched as Fazzi when through the bathroom to his own bedroom . He closed the connecting door and put away the gun and started to get ready for bed himself . Stripping down he waited until he heard the shower running and then he tip toed over to the door opened it a crack and peeked inside . The room was filled with water vapor . Through the fog he could spot Fazzi 's form through the frosted shower stall door . He opened the sliding shower door a bit and peeked in . . . ' Could you use someone to wash your back ? ' he asked as he stepped into the spray of the shower head . He took the washcloth and soap from Fazzi and worked up a good lather . Running the washcloth over the Arab 's back from his shoulders down to his ass , his fingers moved seductively over the olive skin of the man . He marveled over how well the older man had kept himself . He spun him around so that they faced one and other and started to wash his front . Paying particular attention to his chest and nipples . The running water rinsed the soap off as he bent his head down so that his lips covered the Arab 's nipple and he sucked it into his mouth . Nibbling on each hard projection then rubbing his teeth over the erect nipple he worked the cloth over the ass globes and up and down the ass slot . Moving his soapy fingers over the rosebud he started to probe and push until his finger gained entry . Fazzi began moaning , his ass humping the finger . Steadying himself against the wall he started to ride the probing digit . Joseph licked and kissed his way down to the man 's belly button , his tongue tip probing the inside as his fingertip continued to work the man 's backdoor . Joseph felt Fazzi 's hands pressing on his head and shoulders , pushing him down until he was on his knees and his face was on the same level as his hairy balls . The smell of Fazzi 's sex filled Joseph 's nostrils as his nose rubbed through in the man 's soaked pubic hairs and touched the skin around his cock . The smell emanating from his sex , acted as a strong love potion drawing his lips to the man 's The next morning Joseph awoke feeling Fazzi 's wet throat on his cock . ' Good morning , my love . That is a nice alarm clock you have . I want to feel that every time I wake up , much nicer than that damn record of that bugler blowing that fucking revelry , we hear every morning at base . ' Joseph just lay back in the big bed and enjoyed the Arab 's milking him to a climax . When he was done Fazzi got up and went into the bathroom to clean up . He came out and said to Joseph , ' I hope that someday you will want to wake me that way . ' ' Someday , maybe , but it may take a long time for me to want to do that to anyone . ' He lied . ' I really enjoy it being done to me but as your master I can not bring myself to do it to you , yet . Can you understand that ? ' ' Yes I do , habibi , one day maybe you will get over this Christian set of morals and give into your animal instincts . It is just that , instinctive . A natural inborn desire to suck . ' ' Yes Fazzi , I realize that . Perhaps that is the difference between our cultures . My culture directs me to control my sordid sexual desires while yours takes them and glorifies them into heavenly rewards . ' ' Ouch , that was un - called - for . It maybe true but it is un - called - for . ' Fazzi said . ' Do not get on your high moral horse with me . Admit it ! There are lots of things you Christians do that are worse than sucking the cock of your loved one . ' ' You got me there , babe . Let 's call it a draw and kiss and make up . ' Joseph said smiling as he kissed Fazzi and patted his ass . ' We better get moving if we are going to make that appointment with the tailor . I know you would love to see me running around here nude all the time , but , there are times I may need to put on some clothes . ' The two of them washed and dressed and went downstairs to have breakfast and await the arrival of the tailor . He arrived about one hour later and unloaded a huge group of fabric samples . Fazzi tested each sample and approved each selection that Joseph made . Joseph wanted to know how much a suit would cost , but Fazzi said , ' Don 't worry about the cost . It is a gift . I want you to have at least two suits , a few slacks , a sports jacket , some shirts , matching ties , and socks - a complete wardrobe . You might even need a tuxedo incase we have a formal affair to go to . ' ' Now that 's where I draw the line . I 'm not going around looking like a penguin . ' Joseph said as the tailor took his measurements and wrote them down . ' How long will it take you to make up the order ? ' He asked the tailor , in Arabic . ' I will have the muslin patterns ready next week for a first fitting . After that , because it is for a friend of Mr . Muhammad , we will work to get them done within a few weeks . Good workmanship takes time and I guarantee the best workmanship . We will keep your muslin patterns on file and unless you gain weight , we will be able to produce whatever else you might need in the future within a week . ' Then to Fazzi he whispered , ' Even if you decide that he might need a tuxedo . Just let me know and I 'll have it ready for him within a few days . ' After the tailor left , Fazzi & Joseph ate a light lunch and then supervised while the servants turned the library into a small auditorium for tonight 's meeting of the investment club . At one end of the room a small raised dais and podium with a built in speaker system was set up . In front of this chairs were set out for twenty - five people . On one side of the room a table and coffee urn were setup and light refreshments and small sandwiches artfully displayed . Everything was ready for the arrival of Worthington and the guests . ' It looks wonderful . Worthington should be very pleased . I hope we have not forgotten anything . ' Joseph said just as Fazzi hearing the doorbell ring turned and went to answer it . ' Richard , so nice of you to be early . This will give us a bit of time to get you and your men set up . Come in . ' Fazzi said as Worthington and two of his employees entered the house . Richard introduced his entourage to both Fazzi and Joseph . ' Nice to see you again Fazzi , where should set up ? ' Fazzi showed them the room . ' This is wonderful . We could not have asked for better . ' Richard said and then told his men to set up their equipment . There was a projector and other selling paraphernalia , which the men arranged . On each seat was placed a packet of information ( some of it had been translated into Arabic ) as well as a clipboard with paper and pencils . As the men were distributing the packets Fazzi took Richard on short tour of the house and the two men talked about what was going to happen at the meeting . ' Richard , ' Fazzi said , ' I must warn you that we may have a bit of trouble here tonight . There may be one or two people who are coming tonight that are not in favor of this project . They would like nothing better than to see the whole concept collapse and I apologize for them in advance . I would not have invited them except that they are of some importance in the community and if I had barred them , it would have looked as if I had something to hide . I am sure that you will be able to handle them . I will be there with Joseph just in case . ' ' As long as the questions are related to making money , I 'm sure I will have no problems . If I can handle federal and state securities inquiries as well as tax investigations with their legal interrogations , surely , I think I can handle any questions coming from investors . ' He laughed . ' Things like that add spice to the selling process . One gets used to that sort of thing and if one can not take the heat - one should not venture into the ' Arabian Desert ' looking for business . ' ' Well put ! I think my friends will have an interesting evening in store for them . ' Then turning to Joseph he asked , ' Yussef , are you ready ? ' The men finished up their preparations just as the first guests began to arrive . Fazzi greeted and introduced each new arrival to Richard and Joseph . Joseph knew most of them and invited them to partake of the refreshments . Even the tailor that he had met that morning was there . As soon as the guests were settled Fazzi introduced the people sitting on the dais , and Richard began his presentation . ' If any of you have trouble understanding any thing I say in my presentation - feel free to interrupt and either Mr . Muhammad or Mr . Benson will try to explain it in Arabic . We want every investor here to feel that he is completely informed and familiar with the way in which his money is being handled . ' Worthington emphasized as he turned to Joseph and asked him to translate his last statement into Arabic . He then proceeded to go through his presentation . He proceeded slowly and surely , with few interruptions , point - by - point , until he completed his presentation . ' Now I will take questions . ' He said as a few hands went up . ' Yes ? ' he asked one of the elder men . ' What is your question ? ' ' Of course you will , it is your money . Let me assure you that you will have complete and final say on how and where your money is invested . You will set up an investment committee and they will review each stock and approve or disapprove it . No stock will be purchased without the committee 's approval . I don 't understand why a question like this would even be raised . Perhaps you would tell me why you would think that I 'm going to invest your money in a company that you might have objections to . ' ' Yes I will tell you . ' He said . ' You see Mr . Worthington this money is ' Arab money ' and we would not want it invested in ' Jewish ' companies or in companies that have any dealings with the Jewish occupiers of our homeland . Neither would we like this money invested in companies that have Jews on their boards of directors or that employ many Jews . ' Worthington was shocked . ' That my friend would be impossible . For one thing I can 't go asking a company to provide me with that kind of information . Not only is it illegal - it is wrong and un - American . No employer is even allowed to ask questions about the religion of its employees . I don 't even know how many Jews , Moslems or Christians I have in my company . All I am interested in is - if that employee is working his hardest to enrich the company . Let me make it absolutely clear . This is America and I don 't give a damn where you come from - if I think that a company is a good investment I will recommend it . If you are foolish enough to refuse my advise , that is your right to do so . I am here to advise you only . If someone should suggest some other companies to invest in , my job is to give you my opinion , nothing else . Like I said before . It is your money . If you want to earn only 4 or 5 percent when you could be getting 10 to 20 percent , I would suggest you put the money in a savings account and get maybe 3 or 4 percent . ' ' Mr . Worthington is right ! The committee will have the final say over an investment . We will decide , no one else . If you don 't like our handling of the money - vote us out . Let us have no more of this kind of talk . I will assure that our money goes to the right companies . ' Fazzi said glaring the questioner down . ' I will be responsible , me and no one else . If you don 't like it - take your money and . . . . . . ' At that he let his voice trail off . The man sat down in his chair and was not heard from again . The rest of the meeting went along speedily . Fazzi rammed through his choices for the committee and they were approved by voice vote . After that people were asked to pledge money to start up and the donations even shocked Fazzi . Well over two million dollars was pledged . The meeting then broke up into small groups with Worthington 's personnel taking to each group and explaining how the ' club ' would operate . The meeting broke up at about midnight . The last to leave was Richard and while he was saying good - bye , Fazzi apologize for the one or two hot heads . ' I must say you did very well in handling them . I had been prepared for much more opposition . I had a few ' friends ' spread out and they were just waiting for a sign from me and they would have , shall we say , escorted them out . But that never became necessary . You did very well , Richard . Even that one that asked the question invested some money . In the end - Money has its own nationality . ' He laughed . ' I must say that the pledges really shocked me I had not expected so much money to be pledged right away . I thought they would hold back until we showed some profit . ' I , too , was surprised . I am sure that once we get started there will be even more . I will get back to you with my suggestions on investments within a few days . Joseph , I want to thank you also . You did very well . Perhaps you would like to come into the city tomorrow and see how this next step operates . I 'm sure we can put you up at the house . I 'll even invite Rich , if he can get away from that play he is in . Sarah will be happy to see you . ' ' I can make it for Saturday . Tomorrow is Friday and I 'm going to the Mosque with Fazzi . I think our clients would like it if I 'm seen at their services . ' Joseph said . ' Besides I 'm interested in learning all I can about our customers . ' ' Good idea , but if you change your mind just let me know , you are always welcome . ' Richard said as he was leaving . ' Sarah will be unhappy , but business comes first . She is used to this by now , with me . ' After he left Fazzi looked at Joseph with a look of incredibility on his face . He shook his head from side to side and said , ' I hope , my love , that was not a big mistake . I don 't understand why you treat that man and his family so . . . so . . . what is that word in English . . . Yes casually . First you do not invite him to your graduation and then you refuse an invitation to be a guest at his home . It is as if you do not like him and to make matters even worse , you do not care if he knows it or not . ' ' Habibi , I 'm sure he does not feel that way . I like Richard and his family very much and I 'm sure he knows that . This is a culture thing . Sometimes we use expressions like ' Call me sometime ' or ' Come over this week end ' . They are not really invitations , but rather nice meaningless things we say to indicate that the conversation is over . ' Joseph said and then took Fazzi 's hand in his and asked , ' Shall we go to bed now ? ' ' Are you just asking that as one of your meaningless invitations or are you propositioning me for real ? ' questioned the Arab . ' I will never understand the intricacy of the American language or culture . ' ' You do quite well my love . I only wish I could understand your culture as well as you understand ours . ' Joseph said as he pulled Fazzi to him and kissed his lips and hugged him and whispered in his ear , ' I did not think that I had to ' proposition ' you anymore . I thought we were passed that point . But to make it 100 % clear , my cock is getting harder and harder . I want you in bed with me . . . NOW ! ' They kissed again , only this time more deeply and held on to each other tighter . When they broke the kiss , Fazzi looked around the room and said , ' I guess we could leave the cleanup to the servants to do in the morning . After all , that is why I pay them . ' They went upstairs and tried to make love , but Joseph 's treatment of Richard was still bothering Fazzi and finally he insisted that he try to make amends . ' Ok , I 'll tell you what . I will call Richard tomorrow and tell him that I will join him and the family late Friday night . I will pick up Rich after his performance and the two of us will spend Saturday at his place . We can use that time to go over his proposals . Are you happy now ? Can we make love now ? I surrender to you . ' The next morning Joseph called Rich and told him to expect him at the theater . He would pick him up and they could either travel to Long Island or spend the night in Manhattan and then go the next morning . ' Where are you ? ' Rich asked . ' Can you come early ? We can go to eat before the theater . ' ' I 'm in Paterson . I have to go with Fazzi to Mosque . That is usually an all day thing with the congregation having social meetings after . I don 't think I can get away before six or seven . In case I 'm not there by the time the play starts , leave word at the box office for them to let me in . ' Joseph instructed him . ' How is the play going ? ' ' Very well ! As a matter of fact I have been offered a part in Broadway play . Not the lead but it is a rather large supporting part . ' Rich said in a voice that Joseph could tell was bubbling over with excitement . ' Fantastic ! You are really beginning to move . I am really happy for you . ' ' Dad told me about the meeting last night . He said you did a class ' A ' job . And that money wise it was better than he expected . Anyway I 'll see you this evening and you can fill me in on the details . I have to run now . I have an acting class in a half hour . See you tonight . ' Joseph said good - bye and then Fazzi and him went to services . As a non - Muslim Joseph was not required to assume the position that Muslims usually take during prayer , but he expressed the desire to be instructed in the proper methods and Fazzi was only too happy to take him in hand and instruct him and explain everything to him . When some of the regular worshipers raised an eyebrow , Fazzi told them that this was his future son - in - law and that Joseph was thinking of converting . ' Did you think I would allow a non believer to become part of my family ? ' He answered them and that seemed to satisfy everyone . ' He should go for formal instruction . ' One of the men demanded . ' Yes he should and will do that . When the time is right . Until then I will be his teacher . Could you find a better one to take him under his wing ? ' Fazzi laughed . That seemed to satisfy everyone and the congregation formally invited Joseph to join them in prayer . After prayer there was a learning session and collation . Joseph followed the discussions as best he could . Now and then he would ask Fazzi to clarify a point or two . Many of the people came over later and told Fazzi that they had heard about the meeting last night and that they too would like to invest money in the ' club ' . Joseph overheard some younger men say something to the effect that soon money would flow to the freedom fighters and we will avenge ' an - Nakba ' , the catastrophe . It was said just out of his hearing or so they thought . This was the first time that there was a direct connection made between the community and terrorists . But it was conformation that the community at least thought that Fazzi was going to funnel aid to ' Hamas ' . Or at least , that this was something other than what it appeared to be . ' I liked it and had a good time . The services were meaningful and informative and the discussion afterward was useful . I 'm glad you asked me to come . I hope we can do it again soon . ' Delighted Fazzi beamed as he kissed Joseph and told him , ' We can go anytime you want . From now on - you and I will go every Friday if you are here . You better get moving if you are going to meet Richard 's son . Give them all my regards and perhaps you can arrange some kind of social get - together , to launch the official beginning of the Arab American Investment Club . I think its time that we got together for social reasons now . Do you agree ? ' 27 years old . Single . Live in New Jersey . Speak Several languages ( none of them well ) . Tried lots of occupations , but decided to retire a rich man and write erotic sex stories . . . Email : [ email protected ] GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
We are thoroughly enjoying Gloria 's first Christmas ! She likes looking at the lights on our tree and watching us wrap presents . We had the Fiorini family party on Sunday and she was less interested in helping open presents than I was hoping . She is really starting to reach for things all the time . She occasionally pets the cat and he doesn 't mind too much if he doesn 't realize it 's her . Gloria is still sleeping through the night ( most of the time ) , but she is not napping very well ( if at all ) . She has also recently discovered that she has hair and that she can pull it while she eats . She does this ALL the time now . She has also realized that we have hair , too , and that pulling it is also great fun . However , all of this hair pulling has nothing to do with her growing bald spot . Gloria still continues to roll over in only one direction . She really hates being on her stomach , so she will roll onto her back almost immediately after being put down on her belly . She gets really close to rolling in the other direction , but will not bring the rest of her body over . Gloria rolled over for the first time yesterday afternoon ! I called Marc from work and she rolled over while I was on the phone with him . She proceeded to do it a few more times ( with the third one caught on film with our digital camera ) . She rolled from her belly to her back , but will not go the other way . Each roll is accompanied by a little squeal as she rolls over . She showed off her trick to my Aunt Elissa and cousin Bridget last night before we went to our annual concert . Watch the video : All is well at the Nelson house . Gloria continues to grow and learn new tricks . At her last appointment , she was up to 13 pounds , 5 ounces and 25 inches . She is still not rolling over yet , but has discovered that certain noises will get our attention ( i . e . coughing , grunting ) . She makes these noises on purpose a lot now ! She is also laughing more frequently and seems to be getting ticklish . Last Monday , I took her to a meeting with me to show her off to all of my colleagues . She was a hit with the environmental community in her cloth diapers ! Gloria is able to reach for more things now . She can finally grab the whale that hangs from her swing and pull on it hard enough to activate the lights and music . When she first got her swing , it was hard for me to imagine that she 'd ever be able to do that ! She has also learned the fun in pulling off her socks . She pulled them off about 10 times on Thanksgiving morning , leading Marc and I to outsmart her with tights ! Gloria also moved up to the " ring " in her bathtub . She still can 't sit upright , so I hold on to her with one hand the whole time , but it seems to be working better . She held on to the sides with a super tight grip the first time I used it , but she seems to be relaxing a bit more now . Tonight , we gave her a bit of rice cereal for the first time . She seemed to understand how to eat , but not that what she was putting in her mouth was actually food . Today was Gloria 's first trip to IKEA . I made use of the childcare room , which was very clean and well - equipped . Gloria still hasn 't rolled over yet , but continues to trick us into thinking she might . She has recently discovered how to stick out her tongue and enjoys doing it frequently . Also , last week , she " got " peek - a - boo for the first time and laughs when we do it ( provided she 's not hungry when we try it ) . It 's been a very busy month as I have returned to work full - time . Gloria has been busy as well . We had her Baptism almost 2 weeks ago . She fussed a lot during the service , but turned around to face everyone at the end , almost on cue . I got a big cold last week , which she avoided . During the past 10 days , she 's really gotten the hang of laughing . She doesn 't do it all the time , though . She 's still testing it out . Gloria isn 't rolling over yet , but she 's really trying . She sleeps either completely through the night or wakes only once to be fed . She seems to like shopping ! Marc and I have taken her out together twice and I took her out for a bit on Sunday . This week , we 're trying to teach Gloria about our childhood . We spent our Saturday doing as close to nothing as possible . Gloria did wake up at 7AM , but fed and then went back to sleep until 10 : 30 or so . Later , we all took a nap for a couple of hours in the afternoon . Very nice . When is this country going to adopt the siesta ? So , I took Gloria out for her first shopping trip yesterday : As you can see , we hit the Kay - Bee ( at Marley Station ) and picked up some LEGO . Gloria was really good the whole time . We were there for about an hour , including changing and feeding in the family restroom - which was very helpful , BTW . I think I need a little more practice driving the stroller , though . I pushed it about half an hour before realizing that one of the wheels was locked . Today was my first day back at work . I cried this morning before I left . It wasn 't too bad , though . I know it will get easier . Thanks to all of you who emailed or called to see how I was doing - - I really appreciate it ! In other news , Gloria really wants to laugh . Frequently when she smiles , she opens her mouth a bit wider and smiles bigger , but no noise comes with it . She 'll do it a few times . She has the desire to laugh , but not the ability yet . Well , it seems as if she may be sleeping through the night now ! For four nights in a row , she slept through the night ( 8 or more hours ) . Last night , she got up once , but she went down before 8pm , so I think that 's why . I am really hoping this sticks before I return to work next week . Last weekend was very busy for us . She ventured out on both Saturday and Sunday , meeting lots of new people . Saturday was spent at Tracey 's house while Sunday was spent at the big family party for Uncle Jack 's 80th Birthday . She is now able to get her hand into her mouth on purpose . The most hilarious part of that is watching her try to do it when her head is turned - - her hands still go to the same place as if her head was facing forward ! Gloria 's neck is getting stronger by the day . She is getting much better at supporting her head . She does not like " tummy time " very much , though . She enjoys it for about 5 seconds and then gets frustrated and grumpy . We have taken to calling her " Grumbelina " when she gets in moods like that . Her swing still seems to be her favorite place to nap and Marc and I have the receipts from battery purchases to prove it . When she 's awake , she gets to lounge on a blanket on the living room floor or be read a story in our bed . She enjoys having books read to her and likes to squeal with excitement at the pictures in the book . Is our ceiling fan ! She LOVES it . If she 's laying on the living room floor and it isn 't on , she 'll start smiling as soon as we turn it on . It 's ADORABLE . I cried a little yesterday when I realized just how big she 's getting . She 's now wearing some of her clothing in 3 - 6 months . Something else I neglected to mention in earlier posts is that her baby acne is gone . It just seemed to disappear one day , like everyone said it would . We took Gloria to the doctor today for her 2 - month appointment . She is growing like a weed ! She is now 11 pounds , 7 ounces and 24 1 / 2 inches long . This places her in the 75th percentile for weight and the 99th percentile for height . She got her first vaccine shots today and she didn 't like it one bit . I handled it better than I thought I would . She calmed down pretty quickly from the whole ordeal , though . I have Infant 's Tylenol ready in case she needs it . She smiles and coos all the time now . It 's really amazing and I absolutely adore watching her . It 's my favorite pasttime right now . It beats my second favorite pasttime - - watching BBC programming on MPT - - by a wide margin . In the last week or so , I 've noticed that she has dimples . They are the most adorable thing in the world ! I also noticed that she no longer has the white bump on her tongue that she 's had since birth . I don 't know when it disappeared , but it 's gone . She still sleeps pretty well for us at night . Some nights , she sleeps the whole night and other nights , she 's up a few times . Usually , though , she 's only up once during the night . Not bad at all ! but I think we 're nearing a temporary schedule ! I know I can 't expect it to go on forever , but I think I 'm figuring it out for now . Up at 7 , eat , change , play , eat . Nap from 10 - 12 : 30 . Eat , change , play , eat , change , eat . Nap from 4 - 7 . Eat , change , play , eat , change , eat . Eat , eat , eat . Down at 11 . Up once during the night . Yay ! A man who doesn 't want to watch his wife give birth is a jerk . That 's the opening line of a recent piece in Slate about society 's expectations of expectant fathers . The line is a paraphrase of the more extreme epithets some female bloggers directed at men who do not wish to be present at childbirth ( " total asshole " , " squeamish and dishonourable " ) . Luckily , people reacted to my decision to leave the birth to Liz and her mother with considerably less vehemence . As Meghan O ' Rourke points out in the Slate article , Until 30 or so years ago few men were in the delivery room , and now nearly all are : That 's a huge cultural shift . Perhaps the human race hasn 't suddenly figured it all out since 1965 - maybe tens of thousands of years of human history can offer at least some guidance . Personally , my decision was motivated by two factors . The first was sheer humility - how could I have helped Liz as she experienced childbirth ? I 'm sure she would have appreciated the effort , but somehow I think I my presence would have been less than reassuring . I didn 't want Liz to look up and see someone even more terrified and clueless than she was . I also didn 't feel like my absence made me a bad husband . I think a lot of marital problems are the result of people wanting their spouse to be all things , all the time . I am comfortable enough with myself and our relationship to know that there are some things that I just can 't do for Liz ( and Grandmom did a great job ! ) . Secondly , I didn 't want to witness Liz giving birth for the same reason we don 't watch each other go to the bathroom - some things are better off unseen , even between a husband and wife . There 's definitely something to be said for preserving an element of mystery . Last night , we all slept well thanks to Gloria 's 9 - hour stretch of sleep ! She went down around 7 p . m . after a busy day out ( and very little sleep while out ) and didn 't get up until 4 a . m . Fortunately , she also went back to sleep from 5 - 8 before waking for the day . I am feeling better than I have in weeks ! I had my 6 - week post - partum doctor 's appointment yesterday . All is well . My incision healed well and everything checked out OK . Currently , I am recovering from a sugar buzz . Last night , Marc and I celebrated my birthday with our first date since Gloria 's birth . We went to the Monday night all - you - can - eat dessert buffet at Vaccaro 's . If you are a real fan of desserts , I would HIGHLY recommend going . It was nice to get away for a few hours . It was much less nerve - wracking than I imagined . No sitcom - esque calls to my parents every five minutes . The other buzz is that loyal BOAN reader Frank and his wife , Rebecca , will " bee " welcoming their first child in February . Congratulations and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy ! It 's been a good week for us . Gloria is now spending more time awake each day . She loves her swing and spends hours a day in it . She loves to look at the lights and she naps in it during the day . She hasn 't slept through the night again for about a week , but she 's much easier to handle at night now . She 's all business . Gets up , eats , gets a diaper change , eats , goes back to sleep . It 's really nice . It 's been a big weekend for Gloria . On Friday , we got our first real smile from her ! It 's pretty amazing to watch her smile to show happiness instead of for no apparent reason . Yesterday , she took a bottle from Marc for the first time . She seemed a little nervous at first , but once she figured it out , she took the whole thing very quickly . It 's hard to do a " Frequently Asked Questions " post for a baby because the questions and answers change all the time . Instead , I 'll try to answer some of the questions I hear now as well as some observations about the baby . 1 . She is currently sleeping really well at night ( either all night long or only getting up once during the night ) . We know that this is subject to change , but we 're loving it for now . 2 . She will not sleep in her bassinet . She will , however , sleep in her car seat that we place in the bassinet . She will also sleep in her baby swing . 3 . She will only sleep when swaddled well or being held . Marc is an expert swaddler and I am still learning . 4 . She loves to " talk " when she 's on the changing table in the morning . She will make all kinds of cute noises . Then , suddenly , she will scream because it 's time to eat again . I 'm getting better at knowing when the coos are almost turning to screams . 5 . Cloth diapering is working out really well . We had a lot of problems with leaks when we were using one particular brand of disposables and have had much greater success with the cloth diapers . Marc did some research and found out that the diaper covers we got don 't require pins , so it 's REALLY easy . We use disposables when we 're going somewhere and have been very happy with Pampers . 6 . Nursing is also going well . It 's gotten much easier a lot faster than I anticipated . 7 . I 'm worried that Gloria will recognize the voices of " The Golden Girls " before she recognizes those of some family and friends . I watch it every morning with her while I 'm nursing . If she starts cracking wise or telling Sicily stories at a young age , I know that I am solely responsible . Yesterday was Gloria 's one month birthday ! We celebrated in high style with a trip to the doctor . She now weighs 9 pounds , 11 ounces and is 23 1 / 2 inches long . She had to get some blood drawn from her foot for a PKU test . She and I both cried . As sad as the test made her , it didn 't last for long AND she slept for 8 1 / 2 hours straight last night ! On Friday , she had her first bath in the tub . Marc and I were both involved - - it 's not an easy task . She also greeted her first out - of - state visitor on Friday night when she met her Great Aunt Annette for the first time . Friday was also my first venture out of the house by myself for a bit . I spent an hour at Target and drove for the first time in 4 weeks . As good as Gloria 's sleeping is at night , her daytime habits are a bit different . She 'll sleep , but she does not like to be put down . It 's not so bad when there are people here , but it 's much harder when I 'm flying solo . Yesterday was my first post - baby doctor 's appointment and I am happy to report that all is well . I am even beginning to feel like a normal person to some extent ! My blood pressure was good , my incision is healing very nicely and I have lost ALL of my pregnancy weight plus 2 more pounds ( total loss of 30 pounds since July 9 ) . I am still wearing maternity clothes because nothing else fits quite yet ( and they are much comfier on my scar ) , but am thrilled to have gotten to slightly below my pre - pregnancy weight so soon ! A note about yesterday 's baby picture of the day . . . Please don 't be offended . We were simply referencing one of our favorite episodes of " The Simpsons . " Now , sit back with some nachos ( Flanders - style ) , relax and enjoy the picture . It 's been a busy first week at home for the newly expanded Nelson family . Gloria had her first bath on Saturday - - she didn 't seem to mind too much . There was some initial hesitation to having her body washed , but she really liked having her hair washed . On Sunday , her umbilical cord fell off . It was a bit bizarre for Marc to notice it missing when changing her diaper and not be able to find it ! It was recovered from her onesie during her changing . Monday brought with it a bizarre first outing for Gloria . I wasn 't feeling quite right and tried to take it easy for the afternoon . Unfortunately , my condition worsened and my midwife told me to go to the Labor & Delivery ward of the hospital . So , Gloria 's first trip was back to St . Joe 's . Long story short , both the baby and I are fine . I 'm just on a week 's worth of antibiotics . Tuesday was our first day of cloth - diapering and it went really well . They are pretty easy to use and much more leak - proof than the newborn disposables we had been using . Yesterday was Gloria 's first doctor 's appointment and she was WONDERFUL . She slept in the car the whole ride there , slept through most of the check - up ( and didn 't fuss when she was awake ) and slept the whole way home . Unfortunately , this translated into being awake A LOT of last night , but it 's hard to complain when she 's been such a good nighttime sleeper every other night . Her appointment went well . She now weighs 9 pounds ( up 15 ounces since we left the hospital last week ) . Thank you to everyone for your nice cards and emails . I have not been online much at all lately ( I 'm actually writing this offline in bed on my sister 's laptop ) , so I am quite behind on replying to everyone . I also appreciate everyone 's desire to visit and your respect for our time right now . We will be happy to introduce Gloria to all of you as soon as I feel like a ( semi - ) functioning member of society again ! So you know the basics , Gloria Jean arrived on Saturday , July 9 at 1 : 36 am , weighing 8 pounds , 10 ounces and measuring 21 inches long . Here 's the slightly longer version for everyone who is interested . I went to the Perinatal Center on the morning of Friday , July 8 for some testing ( Amniotic Fluid Index and Non - Stress Test ) . During these tests , it was determined that the amniotic fluid level around the baby was low and that her heart rate dropped a few times during the non - stress test . Taken separately , this may not have meant much , but the combination made my OB decide to have me admitted to Labor & Delivery . So , Marc being on jury duty that day , I was with my dad who brought me over to the hospital ( we walked - - the buildings are connected ) , made some calls and walked with me to be admitted . It was weird because I never pictured myself walking calmly to labor and delivery like that . I was admitted around noon and quickly settled in , got hooked up to an IV and started answering the millions of questions they have for you ( none of which I think I could have handled if actually in labor ) . Around 2 : 30 pm , the doctor on call attempted a short procedure to get me to dilate . My midwife came in to check on me during this time . Unfortunately , the procedure didn 't work as well as it usually does ( only got me to 2 cm ) , so my midwife and OB were consulted on what to do next . My OB asked them to get me started on Pitocin . The line was put in and the medication started around 3 . I started having contractions almost immediately . They weren 't too bad at first . I was talking , getting up to go to the bathroom and feeling pretty good . Then , every half hour or so , they would increase the dosage of the Pitocin and my contractions would strengthen . Dr . Collerius , my OB , came on call at 5pm and was in to check on me . I was still only around 2 - 3 cm at this point . She attempted to break my water and then contractions got pretty bad . I was still trying to hang in there and breathe through everything , but it was getting intense . The contractionPosted by Basically , this : July 6 - 40 weeks , 4 daysI went to the doctor today and I have not made any major progress . I am about 100 % effaced , but not dilated at all . So , I go to the Perinatal Center on Friday morning for a Non - Stress Test and Amniotic Fluid Index . If either of these tests produce abnormal results , I will be admitted to the hospital to be induced . If the tests come back normal , I will be sent home in hopes of going into labor on my own . If I don 't go into labor by Tuesday night , I will be admitted to the hospital at 8pm and will be induced to deliver by Wednesday . It is my sincere hope that I will go into labor on my own before Tuesday . Please send all thoughts , prayers and " labor vibes " my way . My maternity leave started today . I will be out of work until September 28 ( 12 weeks ) . It felt very strange to leave the office yesterday , knowing how long it will be before I return . I also know how hard it will be to go back after so much time at home with the yet to arrive baby . I spent my last day in Annapolis for a while in grand fashion - - lunch with Sue and Dawn and ice cream with Jackie . I have my doctor 's appointment this afternoon , so check in later for an update . My estimated due date was yesterday and there are still no signs of the baby . So , I did the only logical thing and spent this afternoon at my Uncle Johnny 's house for a big family party . It was lots of fun and very remniscent of the annual parties we had when I was younger . I don 't think the baby will come any faster as a result , but I had fun and ate VERY well for a woman past her due date ! We 'll continue to keep everyone posted . Have a great 4th of July ! I know that everyone is concerned since I am merely days away from my due date , but there is no baby yet . I went to see the OB yesterday afternoon . The good news is that my blood pressure is normal and I am measuring well . The bad news is that I have made no progress since last week 's appointment . So , I go back to see the doctor on Wednesday . If I haven 't made any progress , she will do some tests to be sure that the baby is fine . If anything is abnormal during those tests , I will be sent to the hospital to be induced as soon as possible . If everything is fine with the tests , I will schedule a date to be induced for the following week , giving my body the opportunity to go into labor on its own during that time . So , no baby yet . The latest the baby will arrive is July 14 . My hope is that the baby comes on its own before July 14 . I know , some of you will be shocked that I am due on Saturday and we just finished the nursery . Unfortunately , Marc and I are procrastinators . Fortunately , the baby hasn 't come yet ! On Sunday , my parents and aunt came over . We cleaned , moved furniture ( OK , I didn 't move any furniture ) and got things in order . We still have some little things to do , but if the baby came tonight , it would have a place to sleep . When I get decorations up , I 'll post some pictures . I went to see the midwife again today . All is well ! My blood pressure is good . I have gained 28 pounds total . I am about 70 % effaced , but not dilated yet . Monique said that she thinks the baby is pretty big - - her guess for today was 7 1 / 2 pounds ! The baby has not dropped yet , but is head down ( which was confirmed today with a quick ultrasound of my lower belly ) . I had some weird pains the other day which are normal because of where the baby is resting right now . I have had some contractions , but they aren 't coming regularly so as to worry about them . I go back on Wednesday to see my OB . 1 . I 'm tired ALL the time . Not just late at night , not just when I first get up in the morning - - ALL DAY LONG FOR 40 WEEKS ! Sure , I had a few weeks in the second trimester when I had a bit more energy , but I 'm pretty tired constantly . I am now more exhausted than ever . I yawn from the time I wake up in the morning until the time I hit the pillow at night . 2 . When I 'm not yawning , I 'm going to the bathroom . This has also been very consistent for me . It was actually one of the first pregnancy symptoms I had . Now , of course , it 's much worse than it was before , but I haven 't slept through the night since October . 3 . Even when you are a larger woman , you get a big , pregnant belly ! I LOVE my belly . It 's really neat . It gets hard , I can feel various parts of the baby , my belly button is almost non - existent right now . It 's really cool . I will miss it when the baby comes . 4 . Some days , I can 't stop eating . Other days , I don 't want to eat a thing . 5 . Feet and ankles can swell to enormous sizes . They can also expand so that you only have one pair of shoes left that fit . I had two pairs up until about two weeks ago , but they just kept expanding . I really hope that my feet go back to normal after the baby comes . 6 . If you get sick while you 're pregnant , you might be stuck with a runny nose until you deliver . I hope that delivery makes mine go away . 7 . As one of my WebMD " friends " said the other day , almost anything you tell your OB or midwife during pregnancy will be met with the answer " That 's common at your stage of pregnancy . " 8 . I will not dwell on my increased snoring , but I 'm sure Marc can tell some tales . It 's one of the less " cute " things about pregnancy . 9 . Marc walks faster than I do now . Marc is usually a SLOW walker , but I 've had to ask him to slow down lately . 10 . People are really nice to pregnant women ! Women will start talking to you and then start fondly remembering their own pregnancies and you will be chatting about personal things in no time . It 's really nice . I 'll be one of those advice - givers soon , which still seePosted by So my kid won 't be subjected to the peanut ghetto : " If children at a neighboring table have peanut butter , we ask them to pick a friend and move to another table , " McGuire said . " We don 't want to make it feel like a punishment ; we just really want them to be aware that their peanut butter actually can be harmful to a student . " In the past few years , the school 's cafeteria has stopped serving all products containing peanuts , McGuire said . That includes the old lunchtime standby , the peanut butter and jelly sandwich . The school even removed the Snickers bars and Reese 's Peanut Butter Cups from the vending machines in the teachers ' lounge , McGuire said . Sweet Jesus . The silver lining in this peanut allergy craze is that Black History Month should be a lot more fun - instead of doing a boring old report on George Washington Carver , the kids can burn him in effigy . I now see my doctor or midwife every week . I went back today to see Monique , the midwife , after a slight scheduling screw - up . I haven 't made any progress since Thursday , which , as far as I 'm concerned , is just fine ! Monique suggested taking Evening Primrose Oil caplets a few times a day to help get my body prepared ( but not induce labor ) . My blood pressure was still a little high , but no other problems ( except my swollen feet ) . I may have dropped a pound or two since my last appointment , but time of day of my appointment probably affected that . After my appointment , I made a quick run to Motherhood Maternity for another pair of shorts . It 's too hot for me to want to wear anything else ! If we have any more kids , I 'm aiming for April or May due dates ! My cold is still around , though it 's getting much better . It 's been an incredibly busy few weeks here as the baby 's expected arrival date is less than a month away ! Since my last posting , we have had three ( yes , three ) more baby showers - - 2 for me , 1 for Marc ! We are really lucky to have so many thoughtful people surrounding us . We will have the best - dressed baby around and the most well - read child in town ! On Memorial Day weekend , I had a great time at my shower with all of my high school girlfriends ( though I 've been friends with most of them for a lot longer than that ) and some of our moms . They had a book - themed shower , so in addition to wonderful gifts , we also got some of the best kids ' books out there . On the Tuesday following Memorial Day , I had a shower at the office that was really nice , too . The following day , Marc 's co - workers threw a shower for him at the library ! I have been to see the midwife twice since my last posting and am happy to report that all is well . I have gained 22 pounds total so far , which isn 't too bad ( and it seems like almost all of it is belly ) . The baby is head down ( great news ! ) and the baby 's butt is on my right - hand side . When the baby really gets moving , that butt can be pushed right up against me and be very noticeable . My blood pressure was a little high at my appointment yesterday , so I have to keep an eye out for all of those nasty problems I had a few weeks back . I have started effacing ( was around 50 % yesterday ) , but still have some progress to make before labor . Last Saturday , my mom and I went to my childbirth preparation class . We chose to do an all - day class instead of the several weeks that others go through . It was really wonderful . The instructor was great and there were only 6 other couples in the class . I was quite nervous as we watched videos of deliveries , but I don 't think there 's much I can do about it now ! Unfortunately , I came down with a nasty cold this week . I have been home all week , drinking lots of water , one or two cups of hot tea each day and not taking any medicine . It seems to be getting a little better ( anPosted by Yesterday was my first baby shower and I had a wonderful time ! About 40 people were at my Aunt Gloria 's house yesterday and they all brought tons of gifts with them . We got so many nice things from everyone who came ( and many who couldn 't make it , too ! ) . I will be sending out personal thank you notes this week , but we wanted to let everyone know how much we appreciated everything they did for us . I 'm spending the day trying to recuperate . I got home late last night , then Marc and I had to get all of our loot into the house . I could barely move when I woke up this morning . I 've been trying to put some of this stuff away , but there 's just so much ! I went to see the doctor today and all is well . In fact , thanks to Dr . Collerius ' brother , my OB may become the latest BOAN reader ! My blood pressure was normal , I gained 2 more pounds , I 'm measuring properly and all aches and pains are normal pregnancy - related pains . I haven 't had any false contractions ( yay ! ) and the baby is moving around a lot . In case you were wondering . . . According to this Eye Color Calculator , the baby ( and all of our future children ) will have blue eyes . It 's not impossible for two blue - eyed parents to have a brown or green eyed child , but it is very unlikely . So now you know ! We went to the Orioles game yesterday afternoon to see the O 's defeat the Twins . It was a great game with beautiful weather . Now , we have been watching a lot of baseball this year ( which is apparently really common among pregnant women in Baltimore ) , but this was the first game we went to . Unfortunately , it might be the only game I get to this summer . The seats were not as comfortable as usual at 7 months pregnant ! I was completely exhausted by the time we got home last night , but we had a really great time . In uncanny timing , the baby started kicking when the Orioles came up to bat in the first ! Another O 's fan in the making ? The baby also started kicking during dinner last night , which I took as a sign of approval for my carnitas burrito . I went to see my midwife again last week . My blood pressure was normal . It wasn 't even on the high side of normal , just normal . My lab results came back fine , so no ordered bed rest . I have to keep an eye on all of the signs of preeclampsia , but it looks like the worst is behind me . I 'm still trying to take it easy as much as possible and put my feet up frequently . I was 30 weeks , 6 days at my appointment and measuring around 32 weeks , which is good . The baby 's heartbeat was nice and strong . Her head seems to be down ( another good thing ) with her butt on my right side . I have gained 15 pounds total ( a loss of 1 pound since my last " official " appointment ) . I have another appointment next week . I feel like I 'm back in the first trimester sometimes because I 'm completely exhausted all the time again . I slept for 11 hours the other night and could barely get myself out of bed - - a luxury I know I won 't have soon . We are still trying to get our house in order for the baby 's arrival . It would be a lot easier if we could buy our crib ! A special thank you to everyone who has been sending me Mother 's Day cards - - I can 't believe how many Mother - to - Be cards there are ! Also , maybe just some wishful thinking , but could the bean be born in an O 's playoff year ? Woo - hoo first place ! I am NOT on bed rest ! I went to see the midwife yesterday and my blood pressure was high , but not so bad that she wanted me on bed rest . I went to get some blood work done to check everything out . I 'll get the results of the lab work at my regularly scheduled appointment this Friday . My weight at this appointment was down 4 pounds ( from just a week ago ) . I think it may have had more to do with the timing of the appointment ( morning versus afternoon ) than an actual weight loss . My appointment on Friday is at 8 : 45 a . m . , so we 'll see what the scale says then . Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts this week . I was sent home from work by my midwife yesterday after I called to tell her about a headache that would not go away with Tylenol . I spent the afternoon and evening on my left side , propping my feet up as well as I could . I worked a half day today and am sitting here with my feet up . My biggest problem today is swelling in my feet , which seems to be largely heat - related . It 's much cooler at my house and the swelling is reducing . I go back to see the midwife on Thursday for a blood pressure check and a possible bed rest discussion . Keep your fingers crossed . I forgot to post the really good news from my last appointment - - I don 't have gestational diabetes ! That 's one less thing to worry about now . On a lighter note , today is Free Cone Day at Ben and Jerry 's . Sue , Dawn and I ventured over . If you 're near a scoop shop , you must go . I recommend " The Last Straw " which was yummy and is a scoop shop only flavor . It 's not nearly as good as " Cool Brittania " but I don 't know what is . We 're going to try to do these weekly now . Here 's a shot of me at 29 weeks ( 11 weeks to go ) . Also , a quick health update . On Friday , I had a spell of blurred vision and loss of depth perception . My mom and Marc came to get me from work and take me home . My midwife ordered me to a day of bedrest and I was feeling much better after taking it easy for a while . I 'm trying to rest as much as possible and keep an eye on myself . In other news , Marc and I tried to buy our crib today , but IKEA was out ! I have to call them for the next few weeks to see if they get it in stock . Keep your fingers crossed . I 've also added the link to our online only registry at NaturalBabies . com - - a cloth diaper site . For those of you who have not heard , Marc and I are going to go with cloth diapers instead of disposables . We couldn 't register for any in the stores because they are of a lesser quality than can be used effectively for diapering . I had my latest appointment with the midwife today . All is well . I 've gained 16 pounds total . I 'm 28 weeks and 5 days today and I was measuring 30 weeks . The baby is growing well . The big thing I have to watch out for is my blood pressure . It was high when the nurse first took it , so she had me rest on my left side for a few minutes and then took it again . It was in the normal range , but a bit on the high side . I need to keep monitoring my sodium intake and elevating my feet as often as possible . The heartbeat was nice and strong and the baby 's head is in the right direction . The baby kicks a lot now . My whole belly moves every once in a while - - it 's hard to adjust to . Kicks are mostly focused on my right side . Last Monday , I had to stop wearing my wedding rings . They now hang nicely from a chain around my neck . Stupid swelling . I am officially in my third trimester , which is terrifying ! I 'm just a little over 11 weeks from my due date . Summer and the baby will be here before I know it . I 'm now so pregnant that I go to the doctor every other week ! We 've been bad about posting belly pictures , but I 'm going to try to do them weekly now since my belly seems to be growing by the day . I saw the baby move yesterday . I was sitting at my desk at work and my whole stomach just moved . It wasn 't quite the way it had been described to me ( namely , I didn 't think Sigourney Weaver and Tom Skerritt were going to have to make an attempt to save me ) , but it was a strange sight to see . I 'm not sure , but I think it was the new Beck album that Dawn and I were listening to . . . I 'm 3 months from my due date today ( 13 weeks to go ) , so we 'll be posting a belly picture later . This past week has been full of excitement as the baby 's kicks have been felt from the outside . Last Monday , I was getting ready for work and the baby was kicking stronger than ever . I had Marc put his hand on my belly and kept asking " Did you feel that ? " This went on for a few minutes . Finally , I stopped asking . Then , just as I was feeling a kick , his face lit up because he felt it , too ! It was pretty amazing . Marc has felt it a few more times this week . Yesterday , the combination of good food and lots of candy woke the baby up after dinner so my mom and sister could feel , too . The baby 's newest play toy , unfortunately , is my bladder . When the baby isn 't kicking my bladder , she seems to enjoy staying on my right side and kicking me repeatedly in the same place . This is most common around 2 : 30 in the afternoon when I 'm sitting at my desk or as soon as I lay down to go to sleep . Yesterday was my latest appointment with the midwife . All is well , though I am nearing the phase of the pregnancy where I have to really pay attention to any changes . Here 's the lowdown from the appointment : 1 . I gained 11 pounds since my last appointment - - that 's not good ! 11 pounds in 4 weeks is crazy . So , I really have to watch my weight gain now . Marc suggested that Wednesday night 's goodbye dinner at Sabatino 's with Dennis may not have been good for the weigh - in . 2 . My blood pressure was a bit on the high side , so I need to continue to monitor my salt intake . I am also supposed to watch for other symptoms of preeclampsia . 3 . My due date is still set for July 2 . I will be 25 weeks tomorrow and I was measuring right on target . 4 . I have been experiencing leg pains during the night . Monique suggested that I might need more calcium in my diet . 5 . I have to take my 1 - hour glucose tolerance test before my next appointment . This is the standard screening for gestational diabetes . The baby is moving constantly , but you still can 't feel it from the outside ! I 'm really anxious for Marc and others to feel the baby . Last week , I got to be " Mother of the Day " on WebMD ! Every day , someone towards the end of their second trimester gets to be " Mother of the Day " and all of the other women bombard you with questions . It 's a lot of fun ! Marc and I registered this week . After some initial nervousness that our registry was lost , it appeared on Target 's website today . Please visit and buy us lots of stuff ! Last Thursday , I had my third ultrasound . My doctor asked for one after the baby 's stubbornness during the second ultrasound . I was a bit apprehensive about returning to the same radiology center where the tech blabbed about the baby 's gender , but I didn 't have much of a choice . My mom came with me to this ultrasound and she loved every minute of it ! I , too , had a much nicer time this visit . The tech was much better than the last . She was sure to point out everything to us . I saw all four chambers of the baby 's heart , a kidney and ( almost ) the whole spine . Again this time , the tech couldn 't see the whole spine , but she didn 't see any fluid leaking that would indicate a problem . The baby weighed 1 pound , 14 ounces and his / her heart was beating at 153 beats per minute ( normal ) . The baby spent most of the ultrasound sitting in the pike position , hovering around my belly button . Here I am on March 2 - - 4 months from my due date . My belly is getting much more noticeable , especially when I 'm not wearing maternity clothes ( e . g . flannel pajama pants ) . The baby is moving around constantly and I 'm noticing movement during the night . We 're still not able to feel the baby from the outside yet , though . We celebrated Marc 's last " child - free " birthday this weekend . To prepare , Marc and I started the redecorating of our entire house . We are moving furniture around to get ready for the summer arrival . In strange food stuff news , many of you heard about my sudden aversion to ketchup , a mainstay in my frozen french fry heavy diet . Long story short , I 'm eating ketchup with reckless abandon again ! For those of you who haven 't heard , here 's the crazy pregnant lady story : I got home from work one night , turned on the oven and made some frozen steak fries . They finished baking , I put them on a plate and proceeded to create my ketchup pile . I dunked the first fry , bit into it and almost threw up . It tasted like rubbing alcohol ! I thought it was the french fry , so I tried a different one . Same thing . I opened the bottle of ketchup and the whole thing smelled like rubbing alcohol . I , being a calm and rational pregnant woman , quickly got online , emailed the nice people of Heinz , vowing to take this to Teresa herself if I had to , and threw out the bottle of ketchup . A few nights later , I was eating a salad with a vinaigrette dressing and noticed it tasted odd . A few nights later , something similar , making me realize that I may have been having an aversion to vinegar . I decided to give ketchup another go , with no luck . Finally , over brunch on Sunday , I tried again and the ketchup was fine ! We 'll be posting more ultrasound pictures after my appointment on Thursday . I had my latest doctor 's appointment on Friday . There 's not much to report . My appointment was with Dr . Collerius and she was wonderful . She put the doppler heartrate monitor on my belly and found the heartbeat immediately . Then , the baby moved away and the heartbeat was really faint . It 's amazing how much room the bean has to move around in there ! I 've gained three pounds total all pregnancy , which is wonderful . It 's even better when you consider how often I 'm eating . I seem to get full very quickly , but get hungry very often . My blood pressure seemed high when the nurse took it , so Dr . Collerius took it again at the end of my appointment and it was normal . I 'm trying to monitor my salt intake so that I don 't have any major blood pressure problems . I told the doctor about my horrible ultrasound experience . She felt so bad for me ! I asked her about the due date ( the tech suggested I might be due June 25 instead of July 2 ) . Dr . Collerius left me at the July 2 due date and said that the first ultrasound is the most accurate . I will be getting another ultrasound which makes me really happy - - I love seeing that bean on the screen ! On Saturday , Marc and I went out for the afternoon before heading to dinner with his family to celebrate his birthday . While we were sitting at a light , I felt the baby kick ! It was great because I 've been thinking that I might be feeling the baby , but this was the first time that I was sure it was the baby . It was so wonderful ! . . . a picture of me on the blog ! This was me on February 2 - - 5 months from my due date . My belly was beginning around this date , but is really starting to pop this week . It looks bigger from one day to the next . We 'll be doing these monthly pictures and I 'll aim for immediate posting in the future . In other news , Marc and I were both sick all weekend . In bigger news , I am beginning to feel the baby kick . I thought the initial " jabbings " as I have been referring to them were illness related . Based on my online chats with other preggos , it appears that they were probably kicks . Hopefully everyone else can feel soon . . . I 'm a week late , but I still wanted to get this on here . My cousin Karen and her husband Andy welcomed their son , Dylan Aaron Cunningham , into the extended Fiorini family last week . Dylan was born at 9 : 30am on January 31 . He was 20 inches long and weighed 8 pounds , 12 . 4 ounces . As a woman a few months away from labor , my immediate reaction was to note how good Karen looked after 14 + hours of labor . Congratulations , Karen & Andy ! We arrived at 9 : 50 am for a 10 am appointment . I drank more than my required 16 oz of water . We were called back . On the walk to the room , I informed the tech that we did NOT want to know the gender . She got me prepped for the ultrasound and started to look at the baby . Unfortunately , my bladder wasn 't full enough and she was having problems getting clear images of the baby . So , she had me lay on my left side for 15 minutes and wait for my bladder to fill up . These were 15 agonizing minutes . The tech returned to the room and started to look at the baby again . She pointed out arms , legs , fingers , toes , the spine and the baby 's bladder . Then , bluntly , she said " I 'm pretty sure it 's a girl . " Marc and I looked at each other and I started crying . She was about to try to get a better look when I said " That 's OK . We didn 't want to know . " I was so completely devastated . We had been so excited about having a big surprise in the delivery room and this woman 's insensitivity and inability to remember the ONLY thing I asked of her ruined it for us . The rest of the sonogram was kind of a blur as I was trying not to completely break down in the room . The only question I managed to get out was about the baby 's heartbeat . 5 . I may need to have another sonogram because the baby was being stubborn and wouldn 't let the tech get a clear picture of the spine the way doctors like to see it . This is not cause for concern . After the sonogram , I found the ladies room in the office and burst into tears . We had been excited about having a boy , but what really upset me is having such a major surprise completely ruined for us . We are happy that the baby appears to be healthy , since that 's all that really matters . On Friday , January 21 , I had my latest appointment . Since my doctor is no longer a practicing OB , I met the Nurse Midwife , Monique , who was WONDERFUL . It was a short appointment . She asked lots of questions , I asked lots of questions . Then , she listened for the heartbeat . At first , she couldn 't find it . It was absolutely terrifying . It felt like hours while she searched for it . Finally , she found it ( maybe 90 seconds went by ) , but lost it right away . She said that the baby is very active , so it was hard to hear it for long . Everything is progressing along as it should be . I gained 2 pounds since my last visit , bringing me to my pre - pregnancy weight . On my way to work after my appointment , I was driving around State Circle looking for a parking place when I was rear - ended . I was stopped at a stop sign and the driver behind me wasn 't going more than 10 - 15 miles per hour , but it really jolted me . I pulled over to exchange insurance information , when I realized that I knew the woman who hit me ! We were both fine and our cars were both fine , but we were both terrified . I called my doctor 's office right away and they pulled Monique out of a delivery to take my call . When you say " pregnant " and " car accident " in the same sentence , people really jump to take care of you . Long story short , the bean and I are both fine . I was in and out of work last week from a combination head cold / stomach bug . It seems to be gone now , but it has been replaced by what is either a tapeworm or the bean growing at an alarming rate . I CANNOT stop eating . Apparently , this will come and go , but for now , I 'm doubling our grocery bill . I finalized plans for my maternity leave last week , too . I 'm taking off for 12 weeks to be with the new one . Marc is joining me for 4 of those weeks . Dennis might be back for the end of it . New year 's eve was fun , though my most sober since the year I got sick at the Towson Drapetorium without drinking ! My new year 's resolution ? Not to get pregnant in 2005 ! I 'm enjoying life in the second trimester . About two weeks ago , I was able to feel the baby moving internally for the first time . Now , I 'm so aware of it ! He / she is most active in the evening . It will only be a few weeks before I can feel those kicks from the outside ! Everyone will be more than welcome to feel when the time is right . I 'm still thoroughly exhausted all the time . It 's the one thing that really won 't go away . I got a cold a few weeks ago that I shook , but I 've gotten another one now . I seem to be easily able to get sick now , which is not much fun when you can 't take any medicine ! We 've gotten a few more gifts from people and a few things lent to us . My grandmother 's house is beginning to fill up with my cousin 's hand - me - downs which I am THRILLED to have ! I don 't even know what 's there - - I 'll have to check it out before we register . Sara , my parent 's neighbor who has a little girl who just turned one this weekend , lent me several of her pregnancy and delivery books . I saw Dan and Emily over Christmas and they gave us the most adorable duck blanket , bib and musical stuffed animal . My parents also found my old Orioles jacket from my toddler years , so I 'm taking good care of that for baby 's first baseball game ( not this summer , though ) . Cory sent me the most stylish diaper bag I 've ever seen last week . I 'm really thankful that I 'll be the most stylish new mom around ! And speaking of style , my maternity wardrobe just quadrupled last week when Susan , a work colleague , lent me two huge tubs of her maternity clothes . It 's all great stuff and it just saved me a few hundred dollars ( or the agony of putting together several outfits from a few pieces ) . |
This story takes place in the early 80 's . My wife and I had been at the tail end of the hippy generation , and when we met we were both enamored with the hippy lifestyle : free love , peace , happiness , all of that . When we moved in together , we decided our home would be completely nudist . If anyone wanted to come over , they 'd have to strip down , just like us . It really wasn 't a problem since most of our friends were hippies , too , so on any given night , you could find us sitting around getting high , listening to records with four or five other naked people and it was no big deal . And while " free love " was definitely in full effect at our house , that 's not the story I 'm here to tell , perhaps some other time . I do have to emphasize , though , that she always made any of her partners wear condoms , and I did the same whenever I was with someone else . We wanted to be sure that our first child was really " our " first child , not knowing that our precautions would also save us from the rash of stds that plagued a good number of that generation . It was about eight months after we started living together that she got pregnant and we were both very excited about it . When we found out it was going to be a girl , we wanted to give her an earthy name , but knowing how cruel kids can be , we decided not to go too far out there where she 'd be getting made fun of for the rest of her life . We chose Lily Rose , my wife 's favorite flowers . We never discussed whether or not we 'd stop the nudity around the house , we just both assumed ( correctly ) that the other would want to continue the lifestyle , and try to raise our girl to not be ashamed about her body . We hoped that being raised nudist would eliminate all the hang ups people seem to have about sex , and let her lead a more carefree , fuller life . Raising her as a nudist actually helped potty train her , as she wanted to walk around like mommy with absolutely no clothes , and therefore learned to control her bladder early . As most kids , she was curious about her body , what everything was for , and how it compared to her mother 's and to mine . She was fascinated by all the hair around her mother 's pussy , and she loved running her fingers through it . It wasn 't a sexual thing , she just found it a pleasant thing to do . When she was still learning about the differences between men and women , she would often grab my cock in her little hand and ask me to explain again what it was , and why I was different . Having been a nudist for so long , and being the hippy that I was , I wasn 't bothered by having her hold it , and I would calmly explain to her for the second , third or fiftieth time what it was for , and why I was different , and she 'd scrutinize it for a bit , then go off and play with something else . It came as a big blow when I found myself a single father after her mom died . She was crossing the street when a careless driver took her life . My daughter was eight years old , and motherless . My whole life turned around . I abandoned all my hippy ideals , and would 've stopped the nudity , too , but my daughter cried and cried when I told hHow could I argue with that ? I didn 't . When she got her first period at 10 , I again tried to end the nudity . It scared me when I would help her put in a tampon , that I could feel myself start to get hard . I hadn 't been with any women since her mother , I just didn 't have any desire , yet here I was getting hard while I spread her lips and inserted a tampon . Fortunately , she learned how to do it fairly quickly , so that was only a brief crisis . When I suggested that we should start wearing clothes , her eyes watered up , and she said , " Daddy , no . . . i - it 's mom . . . don 't you understand ? " The only concession she made to her period was that she 'd wear panties . I let it go until she was 13 , and get hair between her legs . She was very excited when she discovered she was getting pubic hair . She ran up to me and grabbed my hand . " Daddy , come here , you have to look . It 's so awesome , you gotta come look . " With that , she ran to her bedroom , with me following . When I got to her room , she was laying on her bed , her legs wide apart , gesturing towards her pussy . I had no clue what was going on , and she urged me to look closer . Her carpet matched the drapes , as they say , which didn 't make it any easier to spot her two or three blonde pubic hairs which had just started coming in . In fact , I was within licking distance before I saw them , and at that point , I was very intoxicated by the aroma wafting up from her lips , I almost forgot why I was between my daughter 's legs . I was almost in a trance , but I snapped out of it quickly when I heard her say " mom 's did ? " I shook my head , to shake off the trance her pussy had put me in , and asked her to repeat herself . " I said , ' Do you think that when all my hair comes in , mine will look just like mom 's did ? ' " I hadn 't really thought about it before , but with my face being so close and having been asked the question , I really looked at her pussy , then ran my fingers up and down her lips , in astonishment , and said , quite honestly , " Honey , it already looks exactly like your mother 's . " She smiled hugely and spread her arms , begging for a hug . Never one to refuse her that , I climbed on top of her and hugged her tightly . She wrapped her legs around my back , and it was at that point that I realized that I was very , very hard . She hadn 't noticed it at that point . I 'm about seven inches long , and very thick , and when I climbed on her , my dick ended up pointing at our feet , or it would have had I not been hard . As it was , it actually ended up pressing against the length of her sex , that 's why she hadn 't noticed yet , but it didn 't take her long to . " Daddy ? " " Oh , um . . . yes , I guess so , sweetheart . I 'm sorry . " With that , I got off of her , and stood up to leave . I didn 't know what to say , so I just stood there . Then she put one of her hands around my thick cock , her fingers weren 't long enough to make a fist around me , so she just held me loosely . I didn 't know what was about to happen , and I couldn 't will myself to just leave the room , then she said , " What 's it for ? How come it 's different than mine ? " A few days later , I said to her , that in light of her development , maybe it 'd be a good idea if we started wearing clothes around the house . Her brow furrowed up , and she took my hands in her 's . She said , " I know that you 've tried to do this before , dad . And I probably didn 't express myself as clearly as I wanted to , but I think I almost had it when I was eight and I said that if I was naked , mommy would still be here . Dad , nudity was a big part of you and mom 's life . It was a big part of your lifestyle . And I sort of understand why you gave up a lot of that when mom died , but dad . . . my favorite memories of growing up aren 't when we went to Disneyworld , or the times we 've gone fishing . . . my absolute favorite memories are of you , me and mom sitting on the couch , watching TV , skin to skin . I loved sleeping in your bed with you two , just laying there completely naked , practically able to feel the love between you two . . . dad , the nudity is my way of remembering and honoring mom , making sure she 's always with us . Please , don 't ask me to give it up , not now , not ever again . Please ? " I had tears in my eyes , and spread my own arms , begging her for a hug . She quickly complied and we sat there , her in my lap , our arms around each other . I was starting to feel really happy again , for the first time in a long while , and some of my hippy - ishness started to return . Without really noticing it , I had started to become kind of tense around the house when we were both naked , but that all faded away after that conversation . It wasn 't long before her breasts started growing , and it happened practically overnight . One night she went to bed a tentative A - cup , the next , she woke up with a definite C - cup . I took her to the doctor , and they did all sorts of tests on her , but the only explanation I ever got was a shrug and " growth spurt . " Her breasts continued to grow steadily and at 14 she was a DD - cup , and I experienced my own " growth spurt . " I found myself constantly staring at her big breasts , her nipples were almost constantly hard , as was I . She kept her pubic hair trimmed , and was constantly running her hands through it , it made me smile , remembering how she used to do that to her mother . It did nothing to help my constant erection . It didn 't escape her notice and she 'd joke about it , taking my hard cock in her hand and asking me , with an innocent expression on her face , if I had to go to the bathroom . I , for my part , joked right back at her , staring pointedly at her nipples and asking if she was cold . I would also come up behind , cup her breasts and ask how big they were today . She got used to having me cup her breasts while my erection poked her back , and she 'd often put her hands over mine , and squeeze . We reveled in the intimacy of it , but we never took it farther then a little mutual touching . We both knew it was the sight of her body that had me constantly hard , and I fantasized that it was my excitement that in turn had her excited , making her nipples constantly hard . I knew it was wrong to be thinking that way , but I never planned on doing anything about it . I contented myself by masturbating whiI had taken the day off from work , and spent most of the day masturbating . I was thinking about my current favorite fantasy , which was my daughter on her back , her feet on my shoulders while I slowly stroked in and out of her . Both of us moaning in pleasure until we shared a simultaneous climax , and made out until we fell asleep . I was in the middle of my fourth masturbation session when she burst into the apartment . I quickly stopped stroking myself and picked up the book I 'd been reading when I wasn 't stroking . She quickly took off all her clothes and literally jumped onto my lap . My dick was very well lubricated from my stroking , and I felt a sudden pain as she jumped onto me . Her eyes widened in surprise and then her face contorted in pain . I knew immediately what had happened . Her jump had landed her right on my dick , and I 'd just deflowered my little girl . My first instinct was to push her off , but I knew that that would hurt , too , and I didn 't want to cause her any more pain . She tried to get up , but the pain made her stop , tears were running down her face . I pulled her head towards me , until her face was resting on my chest , I could feel her tears . I tried to soothe her , told her that I could fix this , but it would take a few minutes . " We just need to wait . If I pull out of you right now , it 's going to hurt just as bad , I need you to relax . " Even as I said this , a part of my brain was marveling at the fact that I had my dick in my own daughter . That part of my brain was very aware of just how tight my little girl was , how good her breasts felt against my chest , how good it would feel to start thrusting . At that thought , my dick twitched . I could tell she felt it , but she was starting to get used to me , and she 'd stopped crying . I knew that from this position , I couldn 't really do pull out , I knew what I had to do . " Ok , honey , I 'm going to have to lift you up , in this position , I can 't help you , so just hold my shoulders , with your arms , I 'm going to try really hard not to hurt you . " She nodded , and put her arms around my neck , I put my hands on her ass , and scooted myself to the edge of the couch . Then , readjusting my grip , and enjoying how firm her ass was , I stood up . When I stood up , she wrapped her legs around my torso , and I again readjusted my grip on her teenage ass ( ok , ok , I was copping a feel ) . I carried her to the kitchen table , remembering the good times I 'd enjoyed with her mother ( and others ) utilizing that table , I knew it was the perfect height . " Ok , sweetheart , we 've got two problems here , first , this is your first time , so I need to go real slow . Second , you 're dry down there , which definitely doesn 't help , we need to find a way to lubricate you . " " Yes . I - . . . . . " I figured , I already my dick inside her , she was still feeling some pain , this was no time to mince words , so I charged ahead , " Honey , we need to get you excited . " " Look , honey , I know you masturbate , it 's ok . I do it , too . We 've never really been shy around each other , I don 't think this is the time to start . " She nodded at me , then closed her eyes . I didn 't know what she was doing , and I was about to ask her if there was anything I could to help , when her hands started massaging her breasts , playing with her nipples . My dick twitched again at the sight , and I had to resist the urge to start thrusting . She started tugging on her nipples , and moaning , and I began very small in and out motions . Even if I hadn 't heard her moans , I would 've known she was getting turned on . Her pussy was as tight as ever , but my in and out motions were coming easier . I was looking down at my dick , wanting to savor the sight of my dick in her pussy , so I didn 't notice right away that her eyes were no longer closed , she was staring at my face while moaning . " Just a few more minutes and I 'll be able to pull out , ok ? " What could I do ? I continued to thrust in and out , no longer pulling more and more of myself out of her , instead , I was pushing myself deeper and deeper into her tight teen pussy . I knew it 'd be a mistake to thrust all the way in , and since she 'd given me the go ahead to make her cum , I bent my knees some , to ensure that my dick was rubbing her G - spot each time I pushed in . Then I started really thrusting into her , my dick moving in and out of her pussy like a piston . She came like a tornado . She squeezed her breasts so much I thought they 'd burst . She let out a long unintelligible shriek , which quickly turned into a long drawn out moan . Her legs squeezed me tighter . I wanted to cum . I could feel the orgasm building in my balls , spreading outward , making my legs tingle , and sending a flush up my body , making me blush . Luckily , I have very good control , and I held myself in check . Keeping that tingling feeling , letting it build and build , but not letting myself erupts . As she came down from her orgasmic high , I slowed down inside her . She lay on the table , completely spent , she 'd left red marks on her breasts , evidence of just how hard she 'd been squeezing . I figured this would be the last time I 'd be in a pussy so tight , so young , so . . . forbidden . So I just stood there , watching her pant , feeling her pussy twitch around my cock , wanting to just start fucking her again . Each time I was ready to pull out , and began to move , she 'd twitch and moan . I smiled to myself and thought " Still got it , ya old dog . " I lifted her legs up , and started to pull out , when she said " Daddy ? " I didn 't know what to say . I knew that what I 'd done was incredibly wrong , and that I 'd probably scarred her for life , but dammit , it felt so damn good . Why couldn 't we do it again ? No . I knew why . This was wrong . This was far beyond wrong . I 'd just fucked my teenage daughter . No , I hadn 't just fucked my own daughter . I 'd taken her virginity , given her an orgasm and thoroughly enjoyed every damn minute . What kind of a sick bastard was I ? Sure , it 's natural to have thoughts about a sexy young woman who parades in front of you naked , even if it is your daughter , but to actually fuck her ? The circumstances didn 't matter , accident or no , I should have pulled out when I could 've , left the room to let her finish herself , and then apologized profusely afterwards . And then , to even entertain the thought of cumming inside - - " No , honey . We shouldn 't have even done it the one time , we definitely can 't do this again . " I started to pull out . " Why not ? " She looked genuinely sad . " Was I not good ? It was only my first time , I 'll get better , I promise . " " I 'm sure you will get better , but not with me . And that 's not the reason I didn 't cum , anyway . Honey , you were great , but you are my daughter . Having fu - - having done what we just did is bad enough , to get you pregnant ? Thousand times worse . " " But you can 't get me pregnant . Mom told me before she died , when I asked why I didn 't have any brothers or sisters . She said her body wasn 't strong enough to make another baby , so you got an operation so that you wouldn 't get her pregnant accidentally . " Shit . She was right , it had been so long since that had been an issue that I 'd completely forgotten . So , it really wouldn 't be too bad if I just - - NO . This was my daughter . I 'd already fucked up enough for the day , filling her with my cum wouldn 't help things at all . I felt her pussy contract around my dick again , and I thought , well , if I 've already screwed things up this bad . . . . No ! Goddammit . I need to get out of her pussy and take a cold shower , or cut my damn dick off , or something . She cut me off , " I know that . I know . But that 's how I felt . But as I got older , I realized how dumb that was . It was an accident , and it just happened . Nobody made it happen , it just did . And then , when you wanted to wear clothes , I didn 't want you to take that away from me . I didn 't know why , I was still too young , but I knew that I liked seeing you naked . I liked being naked with you . Not just because that 's how we lived with mom , even though that 's what I told you , but also because it made me feel good . Then , when I learned what sex was . When you explained to me what it was , I wanted it with you . The best part about getting my period was when you showed me how to put in a tampon . Your fingers on my lips made me stomach all tingly . I wanted to feel that way forever . And then , when I got a few hairs , and I spread myself for you so you could find them for yourself . . . I nearly melted when I felt your breath on me . And then - and then , when I saw that I 'd made you hard . . . Oh my god ! I felt so good about myself , I just wanted to grab you and . . . well , I don 't know what I wanted to do , but I know that I wanted to do it . Why do you think I grab you so often ? I love how you feel in my hand , and then , when I got these " she grabbed her breasts , " and you were constantly hard , god , it made me feel . . . I don 't know . . . sexy ? Desirable ? Whatever it was , it made my nipples be constantly hard , and feeling your hands on me , oh ! The first time you did that , I thought I was dreaming , then I could 've died when I realized it really was you . Daddy , I love you , and I 'm in love with you , and I want to make love to you . " With that , she tightened her hold on me , pulling me deeper into her , I was stunned , but my dick didn 't miss a beat , and I came inside her . It was the most powerful orgasm I 'd had up to that point , and when it was over , I couldn 't remember anything from the moment it hit until I lifted my sweaty head up and realized that we were both completely on the table . I didn 't know how that had happened , but I felt horrible about myself . My own daughter . And I 'd just cum inside her . She was looking at me , smiling beatifically . I tried to blink this reality away . Then I hurriedly got off of her , ran to my room and locked the door . I passed out and woke up to the sound of her banging on my bedroom door the next morning . I opened it , and seeing her brought it all of what had happened back to me and I started to cry . It was seeing her red rimmed eyes that stopped me , and I started to apologize . She hit me , and started crying again . She pulled away from me , and tried to talk through her sobs . I couldn 't understand exactly what she was saying , but I got the gist of it and left her alone . After a few minutes , she regained her composure , and looked angrily at me . " I thought you 'd killed yourself . I was up all night banging on your door , and I couldn 't hear anything , and all I kept thinking about was how horrified you looked when you got off me , and I was so scared . " She burst into tears again . I instinctively grabbed her to me , and held her in a tight hug . I didn 't let go when she struggled and she stopped trying to get away from me . She calmed down again , and I began to speak . " Honey , I 'm so sorry . I don 't know what happened , I think I just passed out . I couldn 't stand myself , for what I 'd just done . For taking advantage of you like that , and I - I - I - I just passed out . " " Do you even remember what I said last night ? I wanted that to happen . I 've been wanting it for two years , it may have been an accident , but it wasn 't a mistake . " She put her hand over my mouth , " Don 't you do that to me , daddy . Don 't you tell me I don 't know what I want . I 've been dreaming about it for years , and our . . . lifestyle has made me more mature than most 25 year olds , so don 't do that . I 'll never see this as a mistake , and I want to do it again and again . I 've been masturbating for almost two years , and your face is what I always picture . It 's never felt as good as yesterday , and I don 't want to stop . You 're always telling me that you love me , and that you want what 's best for me , well what 's best ? Is having sex in the back of a car with some boy who only wants to cum , and doesn 't really care about me what 's best for me ? Daddy , you were so gentle with me , and then , when you told me to turn myself on . . . daddy , I was already getting turned on . Sure , it hurt at first , but when I realized just what had happened , and I was starting to get used to it , and it started feeling so good , and then you pretty much gave me permission to enjoy it ? God , that was so awesome . " " You were so gentle with me , and you made me cum so hard . . . and then you came so hard . . . I want to do it again . Show me what love can be . I know we can 't be together forever , but until I find a guy like you , a man like you , I should say , I want to be with you . In every way . Please daddy , no guy is ever going to treat me with the same love and respect that you do , so until I find a guy who can , and will , I want you to teach me what love can be . I want to have what you and mom so obviously had . Even as a little kid , I could see it . You two shined together . I want to shine , too . Daddy , if you love me like you say you do . . . then love me . " |
I was sooo unhappy and depressed and just lived for when I could have my next drink . After I had done all the things I had to do , like work , phone calls , driving and doing errands and I had the first drink of the day , I simply couldn 't stop . Whenever I allowed myself to drink I drank until I blacked out and did things I couldn 't remember . I 'd phone people , at any time of the night and not remember what they said or what I said … . was lucky if I woke ( or ' came to ' really ) in my own bed . Sometimes , I scribbled notes on the telephone pad which I could not read the next day … . on one of those occasions I had invited some friends for dinner and a few days after I had been talking to them they turned up with a few bottles of wine in their hands at 7pm that night . I opened the door and wondered what on earth they were doing there , I was already pretty gone by then and after joking about how forgetful I was < LOL > , I suggested take - out Chinese … . . those friends did know I had a " drinking problem " . They were actually drinking buddies and they soon caught up with me that night … I guess I passed out again … which is what happened every time I started drinking . I did some terrible things that I 'd rather forget about … but I have done my 4th and 5th Steps in A . A . , so I don 't share that sort of stuff from the keyboard or from the floor at F2F meetings . I had been able to drink ' normally ' for about ten years or so but certainly loved it , I loved the taste and the effect it gave me . I used to love parties and always found excuses to have them just so I could drink . I used to give lunches at home so we could start drinking at lunch time . If I was out shopping I always used to find a place for lunch where they had alcohol . None of that coffee or tea stuff for me ! The next ten years of my drinking were getting worse ; I started to use the drink to medicate myself if I didn 't like the situation I was in … I tried to block it out … and from there it progressed . At about this time I started to try and control my drinking . Oh , all the different methods I tried … . changing drinks , not red wine but white wine … not spirits but wine and beer only … tried to time it , like put it off till later … and if I managed to wait until later I used to feel so good about myself , I would start to speed drink even faster than normal to reward myself . Forever trying to get that " high " I once got from having a few drinks in the early stages of my drinking . I never ever found that same feeling again . I tried to control my drinking like - not drink during the week and only at the weekends , all to no avail . I would always break down and give in and try again the following week etc etc … After my last partner and I split up , I was free to drink as often and as much as I wanted to and I did , they were the last 3 yrs of my drinking , it was alcoholic drinking . I did all my " busting " before I came into A . A . My will power is really strong in all my affairs , but staying stopped was something I just couldn 't do … I still thought I only had a drinking problem , I never thought that I could be an alcoholic . I had many " rock bottoms " but I finally gave in and asked for help after just a ' normal ' night of passing out … . but I was sick and tired of being sick and tired . I rang the office of AA in St Ives ( here in Sydney , Australia ) and someone there said she was an alcoholic , and I remember thinking , ' Oh dear , I am talking to a real alcoholic ' . < LOL > This lovely woman told me when and where the meetings were after I told her I wasn 't an alcoholic , but just had a drinking problem . She suggested I should go to one of those meetings . I then rang a friend from sailing ; he used to drink as much as I did and even more , and he had suddenly stopped drinking all together , I was always in awe about how on earth he could do that , and he had told me that he was going to AA . I remember thinking at the time , ' Yes , you might have needed it but that 's not for me , I am not that bad ! ' He took me to my first meeting , and it was an awesome experience , the people there were really friendly and ordinary people just like me … and they welcomed me and they told me to keep coming back . They all seemed to be really happy and were laughing and cracking jokes … . I thought these people would have to be on something , they are far too happy since they are not allowed to drink . You see , I thought if I can 't ever drink again , what 's the use of going on living ? What is there to live for ? I had no idea that these people were on a natural high , because of A . A . and the 12 Steps . They told me at that first meeting that I only needed to do it one day at a time … . just one day … . so that 's what I did , and that was the only way I could do this … . and I still do it that way now . I am so grateful to have found A . A . In the beginning it was very hard , but I stayed busy and went to meetings and started baking cakes and walking the dog every day . I didn 't eat the cakes , gave them away , but it has become a hobby now : - ) . One lovely lady who lived really close to me , picked me up and took me to meetings all over Sydney . She introduced me to where all the meetings were and to the members , mainly the winners , she always said , ' stick with the winners ' , so I have been and still am ! We were sharing in the car going to and from the meetings and it was a great introduction for me . She also rang me every day and had a chat and got me used to sharing with her how I was feeling . The people in AA were so helpful . There is no way I could have done this by myself ! They told me to not pick up that first drink and to keep coming back and to do as many meetings as I could fit in . They made me feel so welcome and the women really nurtured me . It was really nice to find people that really seemed to care how I was doing . I took on all the suggestions they gave me and have been sober now for over 14 years . My life hasn 't just improved … it is like I am reborn . God gave me another chance at life , and I am determined to live it to the fullest ! I love living without the numbing effects of alcohol now . I practise living life on life 's terms without the crutch of alcohol or other drugs . I even gave up the cigarettes ! I am free , of all those horrible addictions by just following this simple program , go to meetings and do all the suggested things . I have learned to feel what a natural high feels like , and believe me , it feels fantastic ! I also have a lovely grand daughter from my eldest son , she is 11 years old now . The first year of her life I had her here at my house every second weekend , we did a lot of bonding that way and had I still been drinking there would have been no chance of that ! And to this day she has never seen me drink an alcoholic drink . I started drinking at an early age , always asking Dad for a sip of his beer , when I was about 15 years of age I got a part time job splitting scallops at a fish factory , I would go to the factory every night after school , that was way back in 1973 I think ? . After one weeks work I earn 't nineteen dollars , and I thought that I was rich , so I went out on the Friday night and bought myself a half bottle of bacardi rum , usual story got blind drunk , but me and bacardi were an instant match , I had found this magic potion , that could make me feel how I wanted to . It never occured to me at the time that my disease of alcoholism had already had it 's tentacles on me sucking the life out of me . I believe I was born an alcoholic . I came from a good family and they did the best with me they could but probably from the age of 5 I lived in fear and didn 't really know what the world was about . I got very confused because because during World War 2 we had to go to the nearest school . I was a Protestant and I was sent to the Catholic Convent for 5 yrs to get a Catholic education . Of course , on the weekends I 'd go to the Sunday school at the Protestant school so I got very confused . When I was young . Religion frightened me . I first got drunk when I was 6 yrs old . My grandfather put all the sherry out for Christmas and I went round the table and drank the lot and all the family laughed not knowing what the future was going to be . I really started drinking in earnest at the age of thirteen . It 's a funny thing about alcohol - but it made me feel like other people looked . It turned me from an introvert into an extrovert . At the age of fourteen I ran away from home and joined the Danish Merchant Navy … just to get away . Be a man ! I stayed with the Danish Merchant Navy for twelve months and then I joined the Army as an army apprentice . I was drinking alcoholically by the age of fifteen . There 's no doubt about it . Every weekend was a drunken weekend . I suffered blackouts back in those days . I didn 't know what they were … it was just where you woke up the next morning and couldn 't remember what had happened the night before . I 'd say " It must have been a bloody good time , I can 't remember a damned thing . " As the years went on the blackouts got worse and every time I drank I suffered a personality change . That was one of the worst things about it , it didn 't matter what I drank or where I drank or how I drank this personality change changed me and I was a different person . I had fifteen years in the Army and during that time I met my wife and we had three boys . It was the first drink and I couldn 't stop . That 's exactly how it was but I didn 't realise it at the time . I thought that that 's how people lived . I gravitated to those people who lived the same . I just couldn 't handle family life and actually I was a married a man trying to live as a single man . That 's how it was for many years . When I wanted to leave the Army they were pleased because I wasn 't a very good operator … although I achieved the rank of Warrant Officer . I was never a stable person and always in fear of other people and I got very angry as time went on . Of course when I left the Army someone asked me what I was going to do and I said " If I had the money I 'd buy a pub " and he said " Why don 't we ? " So we did and I stayed in the hotel game for 15 years . That 's like giving a bank robber the key to the bank . The drinking just got worse as it went along and I lost a lot of opportunities . I trained my wife to be my caretaker . She took all responsibility for the kids and everything . I never really saw them grow up , I never enjoyed any of their sports or anything like that . Sadly I missed their childhood . I didn 't realise . I didn 't know I was an alcoholic . I thought that was the way people lived . I became a Kitchen Cowboy … there was domestic violence . There was no physical violence with my children but there was the mental abuse and I did a lot of damage to that family over the years and I didn 't realise how bad it was until I got to A . A . and I was able to look at my life . The Twelve Steps of AA enabled me to look back on my life , get honest about it and find out something about myself . I first came to AA in 1984 . I 'd just been let out of the Fremantle lock up . I 'd been put in there the night before . I had a big blackout , I smashed up my mother 's furniture and I woke up in the morning in the lock - up wondering what the hell had happened the night before . Of course , with a blackout , you operate ' full on ' even though you don 't realise what you are doing . I am only a little man but , by God ! , the strength I showed when I was full of booze was really bad . I can do a lot of damage , not only to furniture but to people too . I believe it took two policemen to put me in the Paddy wagon the night before so that 's an indication . I woke up next morning in the lock - up and I wondered what the hell had happened . I was wearing a tailor made white business shirt , which was covered in blood . Not my blood ! I didn 't know where it came from . If I had asked the sargeant what I 'd done and he said I had committed murder I would have had to believe him . He also told me to find a new address because I had been kicked out of home . I was devastated because I needed my caretaker . I couldn 't take responsibility for living my life and I didn 't know what to do . Even though I had been in hotels for years I 'd heard of AA but I thought they were this crowd that went around the backstreets of Fremantle and Perth and picked up the drunks and took them off to hospital . That 's what I thought AA was . I had no idea of anything about the principles of AA . So I rang up the Samaritans and they asked me if I had been drinking and I said , tongue in cheek , " yeah one or two " which was an absolute lie . They sent somebody out to see me and it turned out to be an AA member . He asked me " do you want to stop drinking ? " and I told the lie straight away , I said " yes " . I didn 't want to stop drinking . I wanted someone to sort my life out … sort out all the women in my life . That was the worst part of it . My mother , mother - in - law , my wife … it was all pretty disastrous . I didn 't know what the hell I was going to do but , anyway , this little fellow talked me into going to an AA meeting . So I sat in there and I thought " My God … these people really need this AA meeting … I don 't . " I couldn 't see that I had a drink problem . I thought I was mad actually , I really did . Years ago one of my aunties had been in the Claremont Asylum , back in the ' 40 's , and I didn 't find out until a couple of years ago that she was an alcoholic . Back in those days thats what they did with alcoholics , particularly the women , they put them in the asylum . So , I hung around AA , hoping that they would fix my family life and get me back into the family home and , of course , it didn 't happen . I was going up before the judge on the following Wednesday for aggravated assault because I had hit my wife over the head with a broom handle and that was where the blood had come from . I hung around AA for a little while , for about four years actually and I got back into the family home after a couple of months . That wasn 't anything to do with AA … my wife let me back in . But the reason I hung around AA was because it gave me somewhere to go to get away from the family actually , but I couldn 't believe that I was an alcoholic . No way in the world ! And the denial was so strong . So for four years I didn 't drink because I thought I 'd get kicked out of home , but I didn 't have a drink problem ! I couldn 't see it , you know , and I was a very angry person . Full of fear and anger and to overcome the fear I became very arrogant … very , very arrogant . When we look back on our lives , my wife and I , that was the worst four years of our married life together . I used to go to AA meetings and I 'd ' talk the talk ' . I 'd tell them things that I thought they wanted to hear and that 's exactly how it was . God ! I was a sick person , I didn 't realise how sick I was . After about four years I turned around to my wife and I said " Well , I 'm cured now . I 've been to AA and I can now drink socially . " I 'd never drunk socially in my life ! I was one of these people that when I drank I drank to get drunk . One was too many and a hundred wasn 't enough . I heard them say things at the AA meetings like " If you don 't pick up the first drink you won 't get drunk " . When I tried the first drink I said " I 'm not drunk ! … I 'll have another one ! " That 's the craziness of it , absolute craziness ! Anyway , I picked up a drink and it took me eight years to put it down again and it came back worse . They say the disease is progressive and there is no doubt about it in my mind . From my own experience , before coming to AA I was what they call a binge drinker and I 'd get drunk for two or three days and go off the rails somewhere and come back home again . But when I picked up a drink again I became a daily drunk . It wasn 't that I needed to have a drink every day , I needed to get drunk every day , and that 's exactly how it was . I held down a job for that period purely because I knew that if I got the sack I wouldn 't have the money to drink . That 's all it was . Every morning I was off to work with a hangover . I was one of those lucky people , I 'd only have a hangover in the head , a headache , and the stomach would sort itself out pretty quickly so I was a pretty good worker . My life was a bloody mess but I didn 't realise it . Eventually my wife left me . On 30th May 1997 we went out to dinner and I drank until I was so drunk you wouldn 't believe and I had a blackout . I don 't remember a damn thing about it … only what I 've been told . The next morning I woke up and there was all this broken furniture around the house and it was just devastating . My son came around and he said " Mum has left you , she 's going to Sydney and you 're on your own . " So there I was on 1st June 1997 in this empty house with all the broken furniture and nobody to talk to . My children didn 't want to know me , my wife had left me and I 'd driven all my friends away too . That was another thing about me , I drove people away like you wouldn 't believe , through my actions . Its strange , I do believe that during that first period in AA that the seed must have been sown without me knowing it . I stood in that empty house and I said to myself " Frank , you need AA . " And that was the first time that I actually admitted - not only admitted but accepted - that I was an alcoholic and that was probably the greatest thing I have ever done in my life , without a doubt . I rang up the AA number and I found out where the nearest meeting was and they said it was up at Armadale . So I went straight up to a meeting at Armadale that night and I haven 't had the need to pick up a drink since and that 's incredible . That 's over nine and a half years ago now . I threw myself into AA , boots and all and I realised that I had to change my life . My wife did come back eventually - after about three months . I sat her and my daughter down and I said to them " I 'm going to AA for me this time " and they were beside themselves . My daughter said " You bastard ! What about us ? " I said " well , I 've got to do it for me " . I realised that the first time I didn 't do it for me , I did it for the family , to get back in the family home and all that . It was me that needed sorting out and it was funny how the realisation came to me . I 'd say that that moment was , for me , a spiritual awakening , there 's no doubt about it . My wife turned around and said to me " I don 't believe that you 're an alcoholic " and I thought " Oh God ! " So there was the denial in the family which was so strong . They say that the alcoholic has the disease and the family gets the sickness . I do believe that . It wasn 't until recently that I saw an AA sign in Melbourne and it said " If drinking is costing you more than money AA might help " and that 's true . It was costing me more than money . So , I went to AA and the first meeting , about 40 people , was devastating for me , I 'd reached my rock bottom , as they call it . Since then I 've been to meetings on a regular basis and I still do seven or eight meetings a week . I find that if I do a meeting today there is a fair chance that I will have a good day tomorrow . The principles of the program are really something I 've worked on and with the aid of the Twelve Steps I have been able to change my life totally and turn it around 180 degrees . Its quite incredible , when I came to AA nine and a half years ago I was neither needed , wanted nor loved and today its quite the reverse . I am needed , wanted and loved and that is incredible , you know . My children talk to me today . They ring me up on a regular basis and say " Love you heaps , Dad " . Nine and half years ago if my name was mentioned they 'd say " Isn 't the bastard dead yet ? " So , the change is so dramatic . I 'll never forget one of the oldtimers - they are the great people in AA , the oldtimers , the wise people who have been there and done that - one of them said to me " you 'll have a life beyond your wildest dreams " and I didn 't understand what he meant . I do understand today and I have a life beyond my wildest dreams . Its quite extraordinary , actually . I was a slow starter , being brought up in a non - drinking family , and was not the " instant alcoholic " that I hear other people share about . My drinking built up gradually over many years , going from social drinking to anti - social drinking to alcoholic drinking . I had some warnings along the way - an aunt was an alcoholic and found ( was found by ) AA . I lost my licence several years ago - pulled over by a booze bus and blew 0 . 13 . That 's nearly 3 times the limit but isn 't particularly high for an alcoholic , but I was on my way TO the party at the time ! ! ! I realise now that I always got tanked up before going out to dinners , parties etc , so when I got there I wasn 't too desperate , and could pretend I was a normal drinker ! When I lost the licence I couldn 't drive for 13 months , so my drinking just got worse - no drink driving to worry about - whoopee ! When I got the licence back I was drinking heaps more and can 't believe that I didn 't get caught again . I was one WORRIED drink driver . My boss eventually got me sober by threatening to sack me if I didn 't stop drinking . The thought of no income - no money to buy booze was a real incentive . I was put in touch with the company doctor and booked into Pinelodge Clinic in Dandenong ( near Melbourne ) . They got me dry quite quickly and then made me go to group therapy sessions , and then to AA meetings . I wasn 't impressed with AA at first but I think I realised that there was something there for me . They told me " don 't pick up the first drink , one day at a time , and go to lots of meetings " . I didn 't fully understand why but it did work ! Now I see 2 things that I learnt then which have kept me sober for over ten years . The " ODAAT " ( one day at a time ) principle is so simple - initially it was just a few hours or even minutes at a time . My big problem before was that I couldn 't face the rest of my life without a drink - it wasn 't even worth thinking about , but now I found I didn 't have to - just today was enough . Even now I am not comfortable with " the rest of my life " without a drink , but I am comfortable that I won 't ( don 't need to ) drink today . I probably won 't have a drink tomorrow , but I 'm not going to worry about tomorrow because if I do I 'll have to have a drink today ! The other big thing for me is meetings . I didn 't like them at first , but I found that they helped - after a meeting I just felt more able to cope . Now I see that it 's only at meetings that I find people who really understand me . My family and friends love me but they cannot understand , because they 're not alcoholics . So at meetings I hear the stories , get a chance to tell my story , and can share the problems that face us all . I hear warnings about how bad it will get if I pick up that first drink , and I need to be reminded - it is so easy to forget and the disease is so cunning , baffling and powerful . So today life is good . I drive my car whenever I like without worrying ( took months of being sober to get out of the habit of worrying ! ) . I don 't have the constant nagging worry about whether there 's enough booze hidden in the garage ! I am myself , not perfect but not incapacitated by alcohol either . Posted on 25 / 11 / 2012 by admin I grew up in Newcastle in Australia and had what I consider a not so good childhood . Teenage years were the same … I don 't have many good recollections but I feel this is because of the fear and insecurities I experienced as far back as I can remember . My relatives thought I was a good quiet boy but i was keeping out of everyone 's way because I was frightened of people and places . I was always living pretending I was someone I was not . School was a nightmare and I made very few friends and , untill I started drinking , I had few associates . Once I left school at 15yrs old my father got me a job with a friend of his . I resented this but realised , once sober , that I probably could not have got a job myself because of the fear in me . Work was traumatic for sometime but at sixteen I was drinking daily and life was bearable now I had an escape mechanism . As the years rolled by I tried other forms of drugs but they frightened me so alcohol was the priority . Relatioships were few as I always became obsessive and drove people away or they realised ' here was one sick unit - keep away ! ' I met my wife in 1971 and still beleive she was the first person on the planet I had any real feeling for that was not fear based . She was living in an alcoholic enviroment and looking for someone to rescue her . I was looking for a person to protect me from the world . We married in 1974 and have been together ever since . She would leave me when drinking for short spells but I would make all the standard promises and she would come back . We both knew I had a problem with booze and denied it . At times we would set out to solve this problem but we never had any success . In 1978 I reached a rock bottom like never before and ended up in an A . A . meeting , delivered to it by the local parish priest who I went to looking for a loophole out of the trouble I was in ( police etc ) . I went home from that meeting and my wife asked me what happened I said I didnt know but I was going back the next night . One alkie talking to another is what happened . Unconditional love , acceptance , aliens talking to another alien , bullshitters talking to another bullshitter . I was handled by experts from the start and owe these people my life . I have not needed to drink or drug since that first meeting . My wife started going to Al - Anon about 4 months after I got sober and is still a regular attender . She does not need rescuing anymore and I don 't need protecting . We have a strong relationship based on trust and each other 's needs . The A . A . and Al - Anon programmes have given us both an identity as individuals and have made us powerful as a couple . We have 4 children , none of which have seen me drink . One of them is sober and straight in the fellowship - about 6 months now . My sobriety is my invaluable asset and a gift from my God and , regardless of my life 's situation , I have felt love and a power at work in my life . Having survived alcohol , anything is possible . I have had good sponsorship and literature based meetings so I was made aware of my malady and the solutions and the benefits of recovery for myself and others . I work the programme and continue to look to myself on a daily basis for the source of my concerns and to God and the fellowship for the solutions . I am 21 years sober , still reading my books , still have a sponsor , still taking my vitamins , still talking it out , still sharing … it works . A lady from Sydney used to say to me " life 's in session , are you present ? " I didnt like it because I wasn 't but , after some programming , I was and still am . I owe my life to this fellowship and all the gods of the people in it . I got ' sober ' in October 1996 , after a life of drinking which started at age 13 and continued until I was 51 years old . At first when they told me I might be an alcoholic , I was amazed - how could I have ' suddenly ' turned into an alcoholic , when I 'd been drinking all my life ? How could I be an alcoholic , when I still had my high - powered job , fancy car , own house , friendly kids ( well , grown ups now of course ) ; ok so I 'd lost a few husbands along the way - and yes , it was getting a bit expensive on a full bottle of brandy a day , but I was still functioning . . or so I thought . Then they told me , it was not unusual , that I was just a ' high - bottom ' . [ I thought this was a personal remark and was a bit wary about THIS compliment ! ] . However , I knew I was drinking ' too much ' , and arranged to have a little holiday in the local D & A clinic . . the brochures were quite nice , and I needed a rest . I had a very unhappy childhood , followed by a lifetime of being ' different ' . I am the child of a white mother and a black father , an American soldier stationed in Northern Australia during the war years . I never knew my father , and my mother struggled to raise 3 of us with very little money . North Queensland in my childhood days was also known as ' the deep north ' , and prejudice against colour and illegitimacy was common . We were also Catholic , and very poor . My mother just pretended we were white too ( I have an older sister also black , and a younger one half - chinese ) . . and she would tell us that the other children who threw stones and names just didn 't know any better , and that we should just ignore them . At a very early age , I was the victim of sexual abuse . My mother had to work a lot , and we were left in the care of neighbours . . there was one dirty old man who would give us money - and I quickly learned that if I had money to buy lollies to give to the other kids , they would be my friend and not call me names . I exhibited all the characteristics of the abused child . . ( as they now know ) . . the bedwetting , the lying and stealing , the cheating , the self hurting . I graduated to shop lifting , car theft , running away from home constantly , and eventually ended up in a ' home for delinquent girls ' at age 13 . I had also started my drinking career , the gang I mixed with were all no - accounts like me , and alcohol was the answer to good times . I grew up thinking I was stupid and ugly - a social outcast , the boys just didn 't come near me , and I always knew it was because I was black and ugly ! At age 20 I fell pregnant , and married the first of my three husbands ( so far ) . This deteriorated fairly quickly , and within a year I had moved myself and my son to New Zealand . ( my first geographical - leave behind the mess , start fresh somewhere clean etc . ) Met my second husband the week I arrived in NZ - and this started a wonderful period for me - we had a daughter , he adopted my son . In the much less racist atmosphere I was able to hold my head up a little , then a little more , and eventually became quite the normal person . I got a good job , made some good friends , joined local sports committees , realised I wasn 't stupid , and generally grew heaps - I was somebody . Only problem was , he was a womaniser , and after putting up with it for 10 years , I eventually came to realise that although I owed him a great deal of gratitude ( for having me ) it wasn 't really the way I was prepared to live forever . He promised to change , and did try ( I think ) , but after another 5 years , I gave up and left him . I still have good contact with him , we share concerns for the kids , and I still think he is one of the nicest people I know . Then came the shock . . back on my own , free , alone . I went wild , drinking , partying , men . . frightening stuff , and made me think that , there see , I really am a bad person - it was only his involvement that had kept me straight . Quick , back into marriage , where it 's safe ! . This one lasted for 12 years , we moved back to Australia , he was an accountant who quickly became employed in a fairly high - roller job . ( He was the finance director at a big casino , and that life with its perks and promises was great ) . Life went well for me too , I moved my own career along very well , and life was again wonderful . I was somebody again , big house , fancy cars , all that good stuff . Then devastation - he was younger than me , about 8 years , and he fell for a woman nearly 10 years younger than him . No competition - she was blond , beautiful and ambitious , I 'd like to say bimbo , but she was an accountant who worked in his office , much more suitable for the image he now thought he had , than an old black woman . I 'd also had a battle with breast cancer by then , and been reduced to having only one and a half boobs left , so I was feeling pretty sorry for myself all around . The night he left , I went to the bottle shop , bought 3 bottles of brandy , several casks of wine , a bottle of cognac , and settled down to drink myself into oblivion . It was during this first drinking bout that my daughter ( then 18 ) chose to tell me that she had discovered that she was gay ! She had been seeing a boy from the same accounting firm where I was working , for nearly a year , so this was a great shock to me . I just didn 't have any resources left to help her with , and I thought at the time that she needed help . She didn 't , she only needed my understanding , which fortunately ( bred from the many years of prejudice and bigotry I had learned to cope with ) I was able to give her . God knows ( and now I know He did ) . . how I survived the next few years . . I had to keep working . . he left me with a mortgage with huge repayments . . I realised we had no real friends , I 'd left mine behind in New Zealand . More devastation - when we had met he was only just qualified , out of work , no money , no assets - I had a pretty good setup , gained from the settlement of my first marriage , my own house , financial independence etc . Well , he had thought that because we had been together so long , that he was entitled to a half share of everything , and because we had been living the good life , not saving , we hadn 't improved on our financial status at all , so that meant I wouldn 't have had enough left to even keep a roof over my head . Fortunately , after 2 and a half years of nasty court proceedings , the judge saw things my way and I was able to gather some resources and at least keep my head above water . Through these years I had managed to keep myself together fairly well , I 'd sold the big house , bought a couple of smaller places , one to live in and one to rent out ( it was a good buy for what little money I had left , though I still have mortgage to pay ) . . I left the firm I was working for and started my own computer consulting business - which took off very well and kept me very busy . Unfortunately , this meant that I was now working from home , and since I 'd bought that first bottle of brandy , I had continued to do so regularly . I had turned into a daily drinker , never out of control , but always topped up . I share that I was literally ' running on alcohol ' like a car runs on petrol . Nobody but my kids knew how much I was drinking , I presented a ' normal ' face to clients and other people I had to see . I couldn 't work without a drink , and the anxiety attacks I had had all my life intensified . I couldn 't face anybody or anything without a drink . . I had reached the stage of having to start into my second bottle of brandy before I could get to sleep at night . I decided that I needed a complete change of environment , I needed not to have to work , or to worry about paying the rent or how I would live . It was at this time that I heard from my stepfather that he was getting very tired and needed help to look after my mother . ( She had become totally senile many years earlier and depended on him for everything . ) Well , I soon realised why I had run away all those years ago ( I 'd been away for nearly 30 years ) , my stepfather was ( is ) an abusive controlling bully , and once I 'd moved into the flat , he thought there I was to do his will , at his mercy , so to speak . We quickly fell out , and I was accused of ' interfering ' with the way he was looking after mother . . he 's right , I was , there were several things I was unhappy about - and although I knew he was doing his best , I thought that I could in some way make a few changes . Of course I was drinking steadily , so my judgement in the way I went about trying to change things was distorted and wrong . It was also from there that I went to my first AA meeting . . I haven 't had a drink since the night before I went into the clinic . I 've bought a little house here on the Gold Coast , I found work that suited me , although that has recently dis - appeared and I need to find something else quickly . I do have a new relationship - ( God help me , am I a total fool ? . ) Finding a HP was not difficult for me , I have always believed that I am not alone , how could I have survived otherwise ? . My guides through life have been spiritual ones , God was forsaken as a punishing and authoritative figure . . I have always been a rebel . Today I know a different God , and I was lead gently to that discovery by the wonderful concept we have in AA , that our God be of our own understanding . . today my ' spirit guides ' take the form of angels , of which I am surrounded by many … . . What I do know , is that this program has been , and will continue , to make my life manageable if I continue to work it . . I am so grateful for so many things . . I love how and who I am now , I love AA , the people , the books , the meetings - my fellowship family , and the joy of discovering that I can extend this family through the use of my computer and the internet . . I am truly home , and here to stay . Thanks Posted on 25 / 11 / 2012 by admin My name is Paul I am an alcoholic . Grateful to the AA program . My last drink was on or about 13 March 1986 . I lived in a small town in the South Island of New Zealand called Hamner Springs which is a very touristy town now because of the beautiful scenery of the Southern Alps and the hot pools . When I lived there the forestry was the main industry . . that and a hospital for alcoholics and drug addicts called Queen Mary Hospital . I used to sit in the public bar of the pub at Hanmer look across the wide tree lined street at the Queen Mary and discuss with my mates what a waste of money the hospital was , where all the " dregs " of society ended up . After my life had become unbearable and I was crook with the grog , I asked to be admitted into that wonderful place . It was there I was I began to think maybe there was a place for me in this world . Eighteen years earlier I was a volunteer soldier heading for Vietnam . First do a years training in Malaya and Singapore , learn jungle skills , how to survive and how to drink like a man then up the " Nam " . After numerous repetitious episodes of trouble , embarrassment , fights , losing friends , frightening experiences and totally still trying to master booze . . particularly spirits . . I was trained and ready to go to Vietnam ! In , I think , November the Kiwi army withdrew from the Vietnam scene . I was a month off going up . That , as far as I was concerned , was the end of everything . I couldn 't believe how unjust the world was that I couldn 't go shoot the communists and prove how much I was a man . So now I thought I had an excuse to wipe myself off with the booze . We had to finish our tour of duty in Singapore and Malaya and I wasted myself on grog and the " poor me 's " . We returned to NZ and I was told I had " no NCO potential " so that was my army career . We were treated not so well by public , by the vets who had fought in the " real wars " … and that really fed Paul 's resentment . A few years later I married a beautiful Maori girl from Gisborne . She bore us three wonderful children . They just wanted a Dad and husband to grow with but I was still stuck and going down with alcoholism . Finally after repeated attempts she finally took the kids and left . I drank to destruction for seven months . The lounge was filled with empties . . some filled with urine , me being too wasted to walk to the toilet . I had the DT 's , every time I looked at pictures of our kids I cried . When ever my Mum rang I cried . Well that was my bottom . To add insult to injury , when I tried to drink myself to oblivion and a spell from myself I got headaches so bad I would sober up . Lord what a nightmare ! I went to see the ministers wife at the suggestion from my wife over the phone and she invited an AA member to talk with me . I latched on to him with the thought if I went into Queen Mary for a " spell " , I could have a rest and get back on my feet ( and drink again ) . One of the requirements of staying at Queen Mary was that we had to attend three AA meetings a week and I couldn 't help but be affected by the idea that maybe a group of sick people who all were in Queen Mary for the same reason could help each other with the guidance of a loving , caring and patient staff . We followed each others progress , laughed and cried ( God how we cried ) , learnt to give " warm fuzzies " ( hugs ) admitted out aloud that we were alcoholics . Then decided maybe we weren 't , were sad when one of us dropped out because of lies and deceit . Then we were at the final meeting , before going out into the world again , clutching our anti - buse with our " bag of tools " ( we had worked up to Step five . . we had the tools . . now go work the program ) . From the 1st May 1986 to beginning of August was the most inspiring and loving time of my life . I think of Father Ray who told me . . when I said I was having trouble with the concept of a Higher Power ( I felt foolish to say the word God ) " Paul all I want you to do is become willing to believe . . can you do that " ? I said a bit hesitant " yes I think so " , and so it happened . I think of our group therapist who pulled apart our shrouds of self loathing and distrust then sewed us together with stitches of love . Our PT instructor who I still consider friend . June and many other staff whose names have faded but faces will always remain in my mind . Finally the other patients in our group , like Debbie whom I was in love with and was told by the staff not to speak to on the threat of being expelled from the group because we were getting too close . In spite of ourselves we stuck to the programe and until we lost contact after I emigrated to Western Australia and I pray she is sober today . Marie , Phil , Hardie , Dave and another whose name escapes me . Please God they are all as happy and sober as I . I stayed in Hamner for another year attending AA meetings learning and listening and being in awe of people like George who with eyes blazing thumping the " Big Book " telling us about GOD ( he would yell it and I would cringe in case God really was real and would hear ! ) In his pommy accent he would say " its in the Big Book ! ! on page 570 ! ! " There is a principal which is a baaarrr … against all information , which is proof against all arguments ( at this stage he would glare at me ! ) and which cannot faaaiiilll … to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt ! ! ! ! … . ( and almost as an afterthought ) prior to investigation . " George would then tell us how much he loved us and saunter back to his seat . And so from this grounding in AA , one month after my Dad passed away , after being made redundant from the Forest Service , and with the best wishes from my group I emigrated to Western Australia to work in the bush operating machinery ( with an ego as large as the state ) I worked my way through life . Many times I was " stark raving sober " . A lot of the time I was " white knuckled sober " but I always carried my " Day By Day " , " Twenty Four Hours A Day " and " Touchstones For Men " . The " tools " of Queen Mary and never took the first drink . It is amazing how many AA people you find in the bush . I walked into a mining camp cookhouse for lunch at Gidgee Goldmine , about ' 88 I think , and the cook walked up to me shook my hand and said " I believe you are in the same fellowship I 'm in " Boy ! we were grinning like a " horse eating thistles " ! ! . The cleaner had seen the Big Book beside my bed and she had seen Ron 's Big Book and mentioned to him that there was someone else in the camp with the same book as him . God was with me all the time . He would drop clangers like that all around me perhaps with the thought that with enough coincidences I might recognize them as spiritual experiences one day . And to the final " miracle " in my life . I never , try as hard as I might , never fell out of love with my wife , though I sure hated her for leaving me and betraying me to the world , making me face my problem of alcoholism . Seven years into my sobriety , after I was able to provide for a family and after she had sorted out her " issues " of abuse as a child , she and our three children joined me in Western Australia . She left a successful career as a social worker for us to try again at our relationship . We are still trying after 8 years , the children have grown up and every morning we wake up in the same bed with the same idea that today , just for today , we will keep trying with our relationship . So that is Paul the alcoholic , grateful , human . I make lots of mistakes , I have lots of defects but I have a program of Twelve Steps and the love of my family and true friends . Truly God is great ! Posted on 25 / 11 / 2012 by admin I hope to share with others the horrors I experienced as a practising alcoholic - yes , I am an alcoholic - powerless over that most deceitful of drugs , alcohol . My early life was traumatic - parents divorcing when I was very young , sexual abuse , abandonment by my mother , early obesity and difficulties in the home . When I discovered alcohol - I mean really found it , it was such a relief . I was funny , gorgeous and socially acceptable with a few drinks in me . Then I drank too much and I became romantic or homicidal or , on rare occasions both at the same time - very daunting . For a while it was ok - I was limited by time , circumstance and money and only occasionally got rip - roaring drunk . But as the disease progressed in me the drunkenness became far , far more frequent . The blackouts were terrifying - to come to and not know what had been happening , sometimes not knowing who I had been with . And trying to pretend as if nothing was wrong . To nod knowingly when people discussed the events of the night before and not having a single clue what occurred . And the hangovers were so bad . I would vomit until sometimes there was blood in the bowl , my head felt like it wanted to expel my eyes and towards the end , my hands shook uncontrollably . I tried changing drinks , I tried time limits , drink limits , people limits and nothing could keep me from the booze . If things would just change , maybe I could stop - pressure of work , kids , husband , etc . I just had to have that drink to get me through the thing that was my life . And it was endless and hopeless - Groundhog Day - each day the same pitiful event as the last . No matter how much I wanted things to change , or people around me wanted things to change , nothing changed except to get worse and worse . Arrests , car accidents with and without children , infidelities and basic dishonesty are all part of my drinking story . Then after yet another traffic " Incident " - another time when I had forgotten I had kids , forgotten I had people to dinner , it all came to a head and I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous . I was terrified ; I really did not know what to expect , only that there was hope that I could get out of the nightmare I was living . I found in that room compassionate and caring people who had experienced a lot of what I had been through . They understood . Others had told me to stop drinking , or at least cut down , or not to drink while driving , or not to drive drunk with the kids in the car - people in AA understood that my power of choice left me with the first drink . I found a tremendous freedom made wonderful friends , and learned how to live . I must have been out to lunch when the ordinary life skills were being taught - I had no notion how to cope with very simple and basic stuff . In the group I learned about me - there are things that I absolutely cannot do and there are things that I ought to have a go at for my own development . Posted on 25 / 11 / 2012 by admin I was a child of about ten when Dad gave both my elder brother and I a very light shandy at Christmas dinner . My younger brother , suffered petty mal seizures as a result of an early childhood accident and could not share this experience . He was also only six . The reason I mention these details is so you have some idea of my growing up environment . Mum and Dad were workers and part of the great Ozzie battlers generation , working hard to raise the family properly and earn a living with some spare to put away for the future . We went to church on Sundays and were taken on road and fishing trips in our holidays . I suffered from croup until we moved from a timber home to a brick and tile one in 1962 when I was eight . So all pretty normal and I can 't find a reason to blame my childhood enviroment for my disease . That shandy was significant because it was my first taste of alcohol and although I hated the beer taste I loved the effect , behaving like a souped up drunk on this most insignificant taste . From that day I was banned from sharing the shandy at celebrations and did not get a chance to taste alcohol again until when I was confirmed into the Anglican church at 12 and took up duties as an altar boy . The church use fortified wine as part of the communion ritual and as an altar boy I had unlimited access to it . When I volunteered to serve at daily 6am mass on my way to school everyday I was hailed as a pious young man who loved God and his church . In fact all I did was serve at these services so I could access the altar wine after the services and remove money from the collection plate for cigarettes . Even at this age my disease made me cunning and I never got greedy enough to take anything near what could be noticed . These crimes were never exposed . Consequently I would breeze through the mornings at school and start to fade after lunch . Come end of the school day I would cycle home via the church for a lifter and then home to peel spuds etc and cook a simple meal for my family . The family would come from work , first Mum then my older brother ( who had left school early to become a boiler maker 's apprentice ) and then Dad to dinner and a couple of beers . Mum liked a brandy sometimes and I stole what I could . Even though I hated the stuff , the effect was powerful . At 15 I cooked up a scheme to release myself from the bonds of Mum and Dad 's drinking rules and joined the Naval Junior recruits in Fremantle W . A . , 2 , 000 miles from my childhood home in Adelaide . After 6 weeks ' aboard ' we were given weekend liberty for the first time . I had been quick to gravitate towards those prone to alcohol use and even before this leave we had pulled off one raid on the Wardroom , or Officers Mess , managing to steal and drink a number of bottles of whisky without detection . We headed out for our first leave and although due back at the gangway at 1900 ( 7pm ) we stayed out and partied with newly made drinking partners , not arriving back until the Monday morning … very much worse for wear and pleased to be the first in our division to be called up on Commodore 's Parade ( discipline ) and relegated as MUPs ( Men Under Punishment ) . No more leave for 6 more weeks and extra cleaning duties in the scullery or sullage hut ( rubbish detail ) . When next leave became available I was ready for another escapade but found only one other willing to risk it with me , same behaviour same result , over and over again . After being draughted to HMAS Vendetta in Sydney as an electrical mechanic I discovered my behaviour aboard a real ship was not to be tolerated by the ' brass ' or my fellow seamen and I soon found the offer of an optional discharge posted in my mail slot . The idea was you took optional or waited to be dishonourably discharged . I took it . During my short term of service Mum and Dad had moved to Queensland so that is where I had to be sent . I worked as a shoe salesman , used car yard groundsman , labourer , steam cleaner , brickies ' labourer and finally settled for a few years as a prefabricated roof truss maker , a job which required accuracy , varied skills and a good work ethic . I enjoyed this work and the enviroment and co - workers . I still I found reason to party on my 1 day weekend , ensuring I was never absent or late for work because such behaviour would hinder my upward climb on the jig floor ( Jig : apparatus used to build repeated copies of a specific shape with accuracy ) . Much to the surprise of myself and those around me I met a lady who fell instantly in love with me and , after some rebellious adventures that took us to Mildura , Adelaide and jail before she was 16 , we ended up back on the Gold Coast married and pregnant in quick succesion . I was able to get my old job back and things began to deteriorate from there . It was my habit to go into Surfer 's Paradise on Saturday nights alone to upmarket bars and drink alone . My wife had no say in it , I just went . Even when our oldest son was born this habit did not change . I never looked for other women or even mates to drink with ; I did however get ' connected ' . The criminal underground was fertile and available money from simple tasks for ' The Big Guys ' easy . Most all of the jobs I did I was never caught for and therefore I got cocky and a reputation for reliablity and silence . As time went on I would do more and more while drunker and drunker . The whole thing came to a head one night when my only income was from criminal activity . I had been set to guard a man in his unit to make sure he did not run away while his partner took gang money inter - state . We had drank a great deal of spirits and I was very much worse for the wear . The man , a homosexual made an indecent advance to me as I layed semi - conscious on the couch . I took a knife to him and hurt him badly , somehow his neighbours heard and called the police . I was in a security building and could only make my escape by dropping to the balcony below four times until I landed on the ground . The police had to chase me for hours as I knew the place well in those days . I led them to a 30 story building site I was familiar with and lost them . This was the beggining for me of a life on the run from myself , police , responsibility and any limitations on my drinking . When I was caught it was decided that I would be better commited to a phsyc unit for evaluation . The court ordered a 3 month stay and the hospital put me in a minimum security unit beside a golf course . The weekends were alloted as leave days and I would spend Friday till Monday night outside and free , coming back for Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday evaluation sessions . I was provided with such heavy tranquilisers as Largactyl and Rhohypnol to add to the joy of the experience . The combination , with the drugs and alcohol , made me bullet proof and I staged four armed holdups during this time . My wife had gone to Western Australia and after my 3 months with only a court report from a psyhcologist I left the State to try and recover our marriage and meet my second son . We launched into an on - again / off - again relationship of another 5 or 6 years when , with my two sons and only daughter , she left me for the security of a relationship with a truck driving gambler who trucked my family all over the country for years . I pursued them for the first year but luckily they eluded me . When I finally returned to Perth I began a series of relationships with all sorts of people in the criminal catergory . I lived from day to day becoming an artful thief and fraudster . Some would say I was a good criminal because the only jail time I served was mostly for unpaid fines when I chose to not pay and serve the time as a rest from the booze or to get to someone who had " done the wrongy " . I got the name as a dangerous , unpredictable , nasty fighter who would not hesitate to smash a glass in a man 's face . Such a rep gained me the respect of the hard core element and I soon found myself living with mobs of bikers , drug addicts and violent criminals . We cornered a part of the drug market and gained a good reputation as not to be messed with . Of course we had to hurt a lot of people as part of our daily work to get this . We buried many freinds and enemies , from such causes of death as drug overdoses to cycle accidents and murder . I was terrified to let my guard down . Terrified I would be discovered as a frightened boy so I worked , drank and fought hard . ( When I hear people say that staying drunk was the hardest thing they have ever done I know immediately what they mean . ) It was our habit to drink 24 / 7 and we bushwacked many legal contractors for jobs that only existed on pay day , most of us had Centrelink benefits and all of us had money coming in from drug deals and constant stealing . As the security measures in banks became more sophisticated we moved to organising gangs of street kids to steal for us and we would fence their goods for 20cents in the retail dollar , selling on for 40 or 50 . Garage sales all around Perth and weekend markets being our best way of disposal . Towards the end I had entered the inner sanctum and was given the job of finding major suppliers of ' grass ' around the town . We needed a constantly increasing supply as more and more users became sellers and expanded our buyers . Self propagating business is great for a while but eventually it takes over all your life . By the time I was forty I was drinking two bottles of spirits a day , usually vodka and my mind was beggining to suffer . I found a gold mine in a supplier who could and did provide me with any amount of weed and other harder drugs such as ecstacy , LSD and amphetamines . I took a distinct liking for ecstacy and began to smoke big cigars . I had made it , all i had to do was call through an order , deliver the money and pick up the goods . The rest was handled by the other boys and I reaped large profits . By 43 I was constantly paranoid , carried a firearm , had a bodyguard and could not count to ten . I could not sleep , remember more than a few hours past and had to have somebody take over all my business , throwing me a few crumbs but enough to keep me quiet . Come 44 I was given another option , bow out gracefully and leave all that I had built behind or go down shooting . I chose to bow out . Within months I was living in a run down hovel in Midland , drinking cask wine and frightened to step outside in daylight . I went back to AA as I had over the years had plenty of exposure to the programme through jail and rehabs I had hidden out in for a while . I had a serious battle on my hands . Much of my early recovery is a blur ; depression and thoughts of suicide were constant companions . I was scared to drink and could not use drugs . I was also scared not to drink and my head was full of scrambled brains . I had so many amends to make and most was very serious stuff . How could I face down the fears of all these years on the streets . How could I level out and fly straight ? I sat on my bed one night , 6 weeks behind in my rent , drinking a cask of claret and contemplating suicide via the gas stove . I rose and went to the oven only to find after living there for 6 months that it was electric . I went back to the bed in tears . I was finally beaten . Not even capable of doing the honourable thing and taking my own life . In the corner of the room a spider spun a web . I realised the spider had two things I did not - a home and a purpose . At 45 years old the boy who was once judged second out of 350 in a high school IQ selection test was no good to anyone . I cried in self pity , I raged in anger and finally I let go and said the following . " God help me because I cannot help myself . " From that point on I believe HP got busy with me and showed me how to adapt to a ' one day at a time life ' with a God dependence as utmost in my life . I began to go to meetings and start to believe there was hope . I made freinds and I got close to a special man who at first I disliked because he would laugh at my hard luck stories . I nearly got violent with he and another member once in his kitchen because they were laughing at my conditioning , not my plight , but , my stupid beliefs about street righteousness or some such unimportant thing . I was sick and in need and this man ( who choses not to be called ' sponsor ' ) loved me in a way no - one ever had - unconditionally . He was just there when I needed him , he never turned me away and he never laughed without telling me I was hard headed but not hopeless . I was in a world so different to what I had lived in for so many years it was like being in a dream . People did not bag and bash each other for recreation , they were not to be wary of and nothing I could say or do changed their minds about there being hope for me . The only thing I had to do was listen , learn and act on what I was given . No preachers , no musts and no judgment . Do it whatever way you like but do it . Tell the truth and listen for the similarities . There were few to begin with because few had been to the depths I had . Few had even lost their homes or families . None but the oldest had been as far down as I and had I looked for the differences I would have died . Today I share a home in an upmarket suburb in Brisbane with my ex wife and 27 year old son , my married 23 year old daughter ( who has given me 2 grandsons ) lives a few miles away and I see them all regularly . I have just come back from a 6 day trip to northern NSW to see my 76 year old Dad who loves to see me and is coming over this afternoon for cake and coffee . I have a home group in Brisbane and a dozen or more mutually respected friends I see on a regular basis . I have too many to count aquaitances , in and out of the fellowship , and I can even get credit at the chemist and newsagent . I speak to my ' not sponsor ' twice a week on the phone and I visit Perth whenever my limited budget allows . God has done for me what I could not do for myself . All this in less than 5 years without a drink and 6 seriously trying to work the programme . It was done with my support and the support of hundreds of walking miracles one day at a time . I even have people who want me to sponsor them today and I know how important it is to be ready to give it away . Posted on 25 / 11 / 2012 by admin I was born into an outwardly normal , successful family - Mum , Dad and a brother ( I 'm 2 years older ) … but Dad was an alkie AND a gambler , and Mum was angry ! Dad was a fairly gentle drunk , but could be quite sarcastic . Mum was violent towards Dad on several occasions . We kids were loved though , and not abused . But I was scared … not sure of what , just scared . I was still wetting the bed and sucking my thumb until my teens ( not at school , needless to say ! ) , bit my nails and was scared of anyone new , and even scared of my aunts , uncles and cousins . When I was 10 we moved to Darwin , which was a big drinking town ( still is , I guess ) and Dad 's drinking got lost in the general ifestyle , so tensions at home were considerably eased . I got less scared , but was still on the timid side . And then when I was 16 I discovered alcohol … YIPPEEE ! God it was good . I was no longer scared , I was able to speak my mind ( even if I couldn 't remember what my mind thought ! ) , socialized with the rest / best of them - had a ball for about three years . And then it started going pear - shaped , although I wouldn 't admit it for decades . I moved from Darwin to Auckland , got pregnant , came back to Perth - and became a victim ! It wasn 't my fault ( whatever " it " was ) it was down to everybody else . And instead of being a happy drunk , I became morose or angry . So , it must have been Perth 's fault and I went to England . Guess what ! I became morose and angry again - poor me ! My drinking was quite horrific in the UK … no - one knew me so any restraints I might have felt just vanished . I drank in fairly unsafe dockside bars with people who looked after me , thank Heavens . Not the most socially acceptable of people , but good friends just the same … so any ideas I had of socially superior people died after that , which is a good thing … even as a drunk I was able to learn some lessons ! ! I married in England , came back to Australia via the Bahamas and settled into normal suburban life . My drinking became a bit controlled , but even more unhappy . I guess if you throw enough depressant down your throat , you 're bound to become depressed … I didn 't know alcohol was a depressant until I came into AA . Eventually , like so many of us , I just got sick and tired of being sick & tired - no particular reason , except that I could remember the details of what was to be my last drunk . ( I mostly I drank in blackout , which probably prolonged the misery . ) I was still employed , still had the house and husband - but life was just one long lurch between drinks , I had no idea what was really going on around me and my fears had come back big - time ! Whenever I said to myself I wasn 't going to drink today , I 'd be drinking by about 5 . 00pm regardless . I rang AA because I just knew that if I didn 't I was stuffed - I would live for years just feeling progressively worse . I don 't know how I knew this , I just did - and I do believe in Divine intervention although I don 't really know what that means . I do know that I couldn 't have rung AA left to my own devices - I didn 't even know what it was about … but ring I did . Judy came out to talk with me for a while ; Teresa took me to my first meeting ( in a detox - I didn 't even know what a detox was ! ) I have remained sober ever since , for which I am very grateful . I did heaps of meetings and stayed close to people who were not only sober , but happy to be sober . They were also " service freaks " and I never knew I had a choice to be in service or not - I just thought it was part of the deal . Which it is , of course , and I 'm very grateful I was never told I didn 't have to do stuff . Or if I was told that , I didn 't hear it . Eventually I also got a sponsor and started working on the Steps ( AA 's 12 Step program ) . Some things took as long as they took - years in some cases , but I was never far away from older sober members . I lived next door Ruby for about 3 years , which was a great help . I moved there at about 6 months sober when I finally lost the house and husband . I also ended up in hospital for the first time in my life ( other than when I was born ) , lost about 18kg in weight due to stress and fear . But the hope and encouragement I got in AA outweighed the rest and I 've gotten weller over the years . I don 't do many face to face meetings any more - mostly because I live too far out and don 't drive at night - time if I can avoid it , but I would be absolutely lost without this online group and without the AA friends I have made . I keep in touch on a regular basis and just love the feeling of being in AA , and still do service work whenever I can . |
Jan26 I heard it again last week . A Christian blogger proudly announced that his focus was Jesus , and since the church was a broken mess , this person was going to honor Jesus alone . Just Me and Jesus , he said . Church isn 't for me . I found myself imagining a conversation between two men , where one guy wants to warn the other about a bad choice for a wife . And being a novelist , imagining conversations isn 't hard . For this one , blogger dude is named Dude . And Jesus - well , he 's named Jesus . And the conversation might go something like this … " So , man , I love you . You know that , right ? I 'd take a bullet for you , man . But I need to talk to you about this bride of yours . I mean , I hate to say this , but knowing who you are , and how you could have anyone you want , why would you want this bride ? She 's kind of … well , she 's kind of ugly . " " Well , " Dude says . He 's warming up to this . Jesus wants his opinion . " Okay , sometimes she comes out with her hair a mess . Her clothes don 't always match . I mean , how simple would it be just to keep herself looking good , you know ? She 's the bride of one impressive guy , right ? And the way she acts … Sometimes she laughs way too loud . Her jokes can be crude . She doesn 't always say the most politically correct things . " He lowers his voice . " I 've even noticed her scratching in public . That 's just not done . I 'm just saying it might be better for you to keep looking . There are plenty of brides out there . " " Okay . I mean , you 're a fair guy . She must have something special , but why doesn 't she show it ? People would like you a lot more if your bride wasn 't so difficult . Unpredictable . That cackling laugh , the wild hair , her inability to behave right in public … I don 't get it . " " Well , sure . And that 's good and all . But she doesn 't always feed the poor . There are still a lot of poor . " " Of course . But there are still orphans . I 've also seen her turn her back on orphans and poor . I 've seen her do a lot of things I don 't agree with . You just never know what she 's going to do . " " Man , you need to get out more , " Dude says , frustrated . Jesus just isn 't seeing it . " She can be rigid and fanatical . Or she can turn around and be blase . I don 't know how you find that beautiful . " " I hate to break it , but she doesn 't have that great a voice . Nothing about this woman is spectacular in any way . I just don 't want her to hold you back or bring you down . You have a mission , right ? She 's in the way . " " Why do you keep saying that ? " Dude asks . He 's angry now . He loves this guy , but wow . Like talking to a brick . " She 's not beautiful . You asked me , so maybe I 'll ask you . What makes her beautiful ? " " He put together all her parts , exactly for me . Everything I need for my mission . Everything I love . Everything I find beautiful . Her vocal cords are just for me . Her hair is for me . Her clothes are for me . And crooked toes and each finger and every part of her . In every part of her I see my father 's love for me . And he sees my love for him when I woo her , when I sing back to her , when I hold her in my arms and we dream of our future together . " Dude coughs . This guy has it bad , and he realizes he might have said the wrong thing here . It probably isn 't a great idea to anger someone so powerful . " Fine , " he says , panic giving way to anger . " Fine . Your father gave you a gift that 's average at best . You want everyone to know you through that woman ? Really ? It 's the best either of you can do ? That 's fine , but I don 't want any part of it . You and I can be friends , but she has to stay out of it . " " I don 't think that will work , " Jesus says . He shrugs . " She 's everything . I don 't have room left for anyone else . But if you talk to her , spend time with her , get to know her , I think you 'll see . Look at her the way I do . See my father in her , when she feeds a homeless man a sandwich , when she holds a door for an elderly man , when she sings a song off key with a sparkle in her eye . See my love for my father when she compliments a harried waitress or holds a victim of violence or mows her neighbor 's grass when he 's ill . " Dude hangs his head . Jesus ' bride embarrasses him . She might have Jesus duped , but he knows the truth , that she 's not classy enough for Jesus , not sophisticated , prone to fits of anger . But what can he say ? Jesus smiles . " I know what you 're thinking . But if I only accepted perfection , I couldn 't be your friend , either . I love her . She is and always will be the most beautiful creature I 've ever seen . And I would easily take a bullet for her . Already have , in fact . And the scars I wear - they just remind me that while her songs are off key and her hair can be wild and sometimes she makes no sense to the world , she is mine . And I am hers , all she needs , all she wants , all she loves . " I feel sad for the blogger who thinks he 's doing Jesus and Christianity a favor by maligning the bride Jesus loves , the bride for whom Jesus wears scars , the bride that signifies such eternal , omnipotent love . I hope that man spends some time getting to know the bride , even with her unpredictable behavior and mismatched clothes . Even when she scratches in public . Because regardless of anything else , Jesus loves her . She is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen . One day all will see her vibrant beauty , and the flaws of this world will fall away . And wow , that 's a scene I can 't wait to see . Sep7 My family just returned from a week in Florida , spent on Ormond Beach just north of Daytona . We had a great time , and I plan to post a few things about that , because vacations can be great times of discovery and clarity . Today , though , I feel the need to capture my feelings right now , as our vacation ends . Because I handle the end of a vacation badly . Worse than badly . First , we had planned to take two days to drive home . So , when we said goodbye to the beach on Saturday morning , I was expecting to drive about six hours , find a hotel , have one last summer swim , eat someplace nice , and sleep on a soft , large bed . Then my son would eat waffles at a hotel breakfast bar , and we 'd mosey on home , with one final trip to a fast food place before we returned and reality hit . Halfway through the day , my husband informed me he planned to push on through and take the twelve hours all in one day . It would save us money on a hotel , and money was an issue . And it would get us home sooner . To him , that 's a good thing . To me , the housewife who also works from home , not so much . To him , it meant a couple days to hang around the house and do nothing before work Tuesday ( this was a holiday weekend . ) To me , it meant getting back to work a day early . I was not thrilled . But he had the wheel , so we drove home . And I , the person who grieves the end of vacations anyway , grieved hard . I 'd expected one more day . And it doesn 't sound like much . One day . But it felt huge . Summer was over . Reality was back . Instantly my mind began to churn through things I needed to do at home , how much work needed to be done , and how unfair it was that home has such different meaning to each of us . Instead of easing myself back into the pool of life slowly , I 'd just been shoved off the high dive into ice water at the bottom . Continue reading → May25 There is a man in my city I pass very often . I don 't know him - not his name , his family , nothing whatsoever . All I see is a single action of his , but it 's enough to make me admire him . I call him the pizza sign man . For the past several years , this man has stood in all kinds of weather , from snowstorms to heat waves , and held a pizza sign at the edge of a busy road near a pizza place . If I drive past his corner in the middle of the day , he 's there . Day in , day out , always on his corner holding his sign . I doubt many people grow up with the desire to hold a pizza sign . It 's not a glamorous job . It 's not terribly challenging , can 't possibly pay well , and to spend hours in one 's head with nobody to talk to surely gets difficult at times , but the pizza sign man continues on . I spent a lot of years in an upper middle class world . I worshiped there , have friends there , and am influenced by that world , even though I no longer belong there . And the upper middle class world is no place for a pizza sign man . In that world , kids go to college and get good jobs and become successful , those inside the church and out . And in most churches there , those with more clout in the world have more clout in the church . The idea , I think , is that a Christian with power and success can reach the world and change the world for Christ in a way a pizza sign man cannot . Big , beautiful churches are not built by congregations of pizza sign men . Modern church life and programs take resources pizza men simply can 't muster . During our marriage my husband has had all kinds of jobs , including a stint making and delivering pizza . People treat pizza men differently than engineers , but God doesn 't . When the pizza sign man stands on his corner in the pouring rain , God notices , and I suspect he smiles . My father is a PhD in Civil Engineering who supported his family for the past decade as a security guard because he lost a job too near retirement age . Another PhD I know works at Lowes . Doing a job well is all God asks . Unfortunately , it 's not all the world asks . And even more unfortunately , the church doesn 't always see the value in the pizza sign man , either . I don 't know what people think about the pizza sign man when they drive past . Maybe they feel pity . Maybe they feel superior . Maybe they admire him . I suspect most no longer see him . I don 't always notice him , but when I do , I pray for him . Jesus came for the pizza sign men as much as anyone else , and he loves them and wants to see them in his kingdom someday . When he first started I would point him out to my children . That man is doing a wonderful thing . He 's working hard , and he always shows up . I hope you can be an employee like that someday . I now attend a church that meets in a ministry building where homeless people are fed every day . I hope we 're welcoming , to doctors and pizza sign men and disabled people on welfare . I hope my youngest , who attends church with us , will never think twice about the status of those he worships with , because I admit there were times in my life when I did . Shameful but true . May2 Sometimes I write just for fun . No lessons , no brilliant epiphanies ( ha ) , simply the fun stuff that happens in life . Today is one of those days . And , surprise , surprise , my fun story revolves around my pets . I have two dogs . My Chihuahua Sparrow is my tiny guardian . He spends nearly all his life at my feet or in my lap or snuggled on my pillow ( yes , I 'm one of those crazy people who sleeps with her dog . ) Skye is a 9 month - old Australian cattledog . She is a never - ending font of energy . Because Skye loves to be outside , we taught her to use a dog door . It wasn 't an easy task . For the longest time she 'd only exit or enter when we touched the door and gave her permission . Then finally , after several weeks , she did it on her own . She could come and go into our fenced yard at will . That made life easier for those of us called on to let her in and out a thousand times a day . Unfortunately , she can also take things outside . One day my slipper ended up on the garden path outside the door . I need to have a talk with her about being cliché - I mean , stealing slippers ? One afternoon I came home to find half the stuffing from one of the couch cushions out there . Kitchen towels , toilet paper tubes - she loves to take things out there because I can 't see her chewing them . And , of course , she can take dog toys out there , especially toys she wants to hide from Sparrow . The other day my husband mowed the yard . Skye watched this from indoors , because she doesn 't like the mower . She sat in the back window and stared , and then she began to whimper . She ran to the door , put her head out , decided she didn 't like the sound , and returned to the window to whimper . Over and over again . I thought she was scared because my husband and the mower were getting closer and closer to the house and therefore to her . The mower stopped , and my husband walked in with goose in his hand . Goose is the third player in this story . For an inanimate object , he 's very important in the life of my dogs . When Sparrow was small , we bought him a stuffed goose toy . He loved it . He chewed it . As he tore up a section , I would cut it off - wings , feet , the head . It was pretty creepy . Eventually I had to throw goose away , and I replaced it . The third time this happened , I replaced it with a similar toy that was a pheasant . And the fourth time , it was a fox . But Sparrow knows the term goose , so we call all these similar toys goose . The toy my husband ran over was the fox incarnation of goose . Goose was now in three parts : head , torso , tail . Sparrow saw this , grabbed the head , and ran off to chew it . Skye took the torso . My husband returned to mowing , and Skye no longer paid any attention . I 'm pretty sure she knew where she 'd left goose , and she knew my husband was getting closer and closer to it with the loud , scary machine . It scared her to death . But when goose came inside , even in pieces , she was okay again . I need to get a new goose . We still have the one hit with the mower , but it completely freaks me out when Sparrow carries around the head . It 's always lying there with its eyes peering up at everyone . Often Sparrow sits a couple feet away and growls at Skye when she gets too close . I find myself wondering if the disembodied head of his toy doesn 't wig him out a little bit , too , because he 'll sit close enough to watch it but not close enough to touch it . Also , Sparrow likes to play tug of war with goose , and the little head is simply too small for a good game of tug of war . The fate of the dog door is still up in the air . I 'm too lazy to let Skye in and out a thousand times a day . But our back yard looks like a trash heap . A couple days ago it was a big square of sandpaper . I don 't know where she found it , and it frustrates me that I think I 've decluttered my house , and yet she finds zillions of little things in hidden nooks and crannies and puts them outside . I should put a low trash can out there and train her to throw things away . Yeah , right . As I said , this post has no point , except I like dog stories . For animals with no jobs , no purposes , they love dramas . I also have four cats , and the cat - dog dramas are fun , too . They entertain us all the time . I honestly don 't know why God made animals . I don 't think most of them have a practical role on the planet . But I 'm so thankful he did . I think originally they were all made to entertain us , to be companions , to enrich our lives , before we sinned and they were filled with fear of us . Those we 've tamed remind us of how things were meant to be , a little glimpse back into the garden . I hope very much that our heavenly home will have animals . I want to laugh at them and enjoy them and snuggle with them . Only we won 't be limited to dogs and cats , I think . We 'll snuggle wombats and wallabies and tigers and elephants . Koalas . Aye Ayes . I want to see whales up close and swim with dolphins . I want birds to land on my shoulder . Animals are cool . Just one more way God went over and above making a complex , beautiful world for us . Apr18 National Sibling Day recently passed . I didn 't know about it ahead of time . Even when I was made aware of it , I didn 't search around for old photos and post a shot of my siblings and me . Not that I don 't love my siblings . I do . But my sister doesn 't bother with social media , so she wouldn 't see my loving tribute to sisterhood . And my brother . Well , he wouldn 't see it either . My brother , you see , isn 't in this world any more . And I don 't talk about that . I don 't write about it . I don 't mess with it . It 's not a fun or easy story , and I 'm all about happy endings and problems with solutions . But lately I 've felt the need to share the hidden stories . Not stories that will hurt people , but the ones I 've hidden for the wrong reasons . Usually I hide them as much from myself as anyone . I want to believe I have things together . I want to believe knowing God means all my wounds are healed or can be healed . I want to believe I don 't have issues that make me see God through the wrong lens . Yet there lies my brother 's story , silently melting a hole in my heart . Rarely mentioned , seldom salted with tears , and often relegated to fairy tale in my head . Something old . I 'm over that . It was a long time ago . I 've moved past it . Barely happened . Like he wasn 't even here . Something imagined . My parents loved family . We did all kinds of things together . Vacations , dinners out , trick - or - treating . I was dragged to cheer contests and gymnastic meets and t - ball games . And that 's a great thing . But it also means nearly every perfect memory I have from childhood includes my brother , and when he died they all darkened . Childhood is haunted . I don 't visit much any more . He drank . He struggled with severe anxiety disorder , meaning he had anxiety attacks that didn 't last minutes . They lasted hours . Days . And that 's almost a fate worse than death . He was funny and adorable , and people loved him . But he could never see that . For a decade , phone calls scared me , because often they were about him . Missing . In jail . Broken . He struggled to hold jobs . His marriage was messy . He had four children way too fast and couldn 't support them . His mental state got worse . His ability to make good decisions dwindled . Then came the early morning phone call from my parents to come get his kids . He 'd made a mistake , and his kids needed to be removed from the situation to keep them out of the hands of the state . I drove through the darkness to get them , brought them home . My family intervened to help him . We had a plan to watch the kids while he treated illness , fixed his marriage , put away the drinking . The plan meant a future . It was hope after a decade of fear . I had one of his daughters , and my sister had his other three . She 's a physician , so she was in a better financial place to do that . My brother had all the support he could get from us . He couldn 't fix his life , though . He had no money for professional help , so he went to the state . He wanted psychiatric help . They said no . He was too healthy . There was nothing they would do . In a fit of anger and desperation , he took too many psychiatric drugs . Not to die , but to spite someone . To scream that he didn 't know what to do now . He wanted his family back , his life back , but he didn 't know how to do it . Two days later , his heart stopped . Paramedics started it . For ten days we lived in the hospital . I stayed at my parent 's house with my four kids and his daughter , sometimes with all the kids . The cable kept going out , and the TV would say Not receiving signal . That felt prophetic , or maybe like a haunting . Brain waves . Nobody could tell if he still had brain waves . Not receiving signal . It was winter . Icy cold . I remember that best . Hours at home with little ones waiting . Short icy drive to the hospital . More hours in the waiting room with the tension of family members that didn 't get along , blaming each other , waiting with very little hope . Phil Collins sang Can 't Stop Loving You every time I got in the car . ( Still can 't listen to that song without bursting into tears - Heard you 're leaving , in the morning , on the early train … ) Enough short icy drives that my car battery died . Dad took a break from the hospital vigil to help me . That felt like normal life . I remember that clearly , how good it felt to jump a battery , talk outside of the waiting room , freezing in the snow like the rest of the world . Hospitals aren 't real . They stand outside of time and space , some kind of alternate reality . Outside had seasons and hours and days . Inside had nothing . Stillness and bleach . Anger and tears . The world watched a space shuttle blow . Astronauts died . I don 't think I 've seen that footage to this day . It was barely a blip in my universe . But it happened sometime during those two weeks . I 'm sure it did . I remember flags at half mast , and they sure weren 't for my brother . For a decade we had prayed . For ten days we prayed more . God 's answer wasn 't what we wanted it to be . I don 't know why . I went home a few days before he died . Had to get back to my life . Then he passed , and I went back . Funeral . Children crying to wake up Daddy . One of those moments that never , ever , ever hurts less . The only positive is those kids don 't remember that part . Might wreck me on a regular basis , but their memories are hazy . Lucky them . This isn 't a post about drugs or alcohol or mental illness . It 's not a post about anything . There 's no point . Death has no point . It 's powerful , and it hurts , and I shut it away . I don 't tell the story . But if you read this , you 're helping me brighten things up a bit . It helps to share . I know that . I listen . I listen to stories all the time , and I turn them into stories of my own . But I don 't like to tell mine . I prefer to write fiction than to tell the the darkest , most painful truths . I like happy endings . I don 't know if this story had one . Won 't know that until I get Home someday . I had a brother . He was younger than me . He isn 't here now . He took my childhood with him when he left . Some days I hate him . Mostly I miss him . I didn 't post his photo on National Sibling Day , but I still love him . I didn 't post my sister . I love her , too . She 's brought a lot less drama to my life . Bless her for that . Share a story today . If there 's a story lurking in the darkness , drawing shadows and casting fear , give it words . Salt it with tears . Take away some of its power by letting someone else know it 's in there . Don 't let it melt holes . And if you don 't have someone close to share with , email me . Or post it here . I listen better than I share . I promise . The Lord is my shepherd , I shall not want . ( But I do , Lord . I want all kinds of things , especially things I don 't need . ) He makes me lie down in green pastures ; ( Yet I don 't rest . Or graze . I am active and busy , looking for tastier food , searching for more than you offer , filling my hours as I see fit . ) He restores my soul ; he guides me in the path of righteousness for his name 's sake . ( I feel fragmented , not restored , not always . The path isn 't always easy to find . Why do I wander and lose sight of it ? Do you let me go ? ) Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death , I fear no evil ( Oh , but I do . I fear every day . The world seems so big and dark around me ) for you are with me ( Are you ? I 'm on the precipice again and can 't see your face ) ; Your rod and your staff , they comfort me . ( In the dark of the night , where do I go for comfort ? Why does it flee from me ? Some days the anxiety overtakes me , and comfort isn 't to be found . ) You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies ; ( And yet I hunger . I don 't relax . Enemies surround me and come for my life . I have no appetite for a feast , but I faint in need of it . ) You have anointed my head with oil ; my cup overflows . ( Then why do I look in that cup and see the bottom , staring up at me ? Why do I feel empty or alone or unprotected sometimes ? ) Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life , and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever . ( But do I dwell now ? If goodness is following , why do I run and hide so it can 't catch me ? ) Still waters . Green pastures . A place to dwell . Comfort . Safety . A feast . But I resist , a roaming sheep . Hear my repentance , oh God , for not being a lamb , a child quiet at the breast . For running a frantic search for other things , listening for other shepherds . For running like a dog , to and fro , sniffing the wind for new scents . Your promises are life and love and security , yet I wander the stony cliffs , hanging from the edges , fearing a fall , when resting within your sight would bring me safety forever . Return to me the tender trust of a little lamb , toddling after its shepherd on scrawny legs , hiding beneath his robes and peering out in safety , tucked in the shepherd 's arms when the path is too rough to travel on his own legs . The lamb trusts , and he knows only warmth and security . I wish to be the lamb again , every day , hearing only your voice , following with no fear . Help me to let go of myself and be the lamb abiding in the shepherd 's care . Feb10 Seems blogging these days is largely the domain of young moms . Beautiful , spunky young moms who seem to have a lot of answers . Or very educated men , professors and scholars of all ages , also with answers . Or how about those with a bone to pick who want to steer a person in the right direction . And , of course , those people have lots of answers . Then I toss my hat in the ring . Woman in her forties . Children mostly raised . Not an expert at anything , and glaringly lacking at answers . But here I am . I 'm also not the greatest sharer ( is that a word ? ? ) . Being vulnerable isn 't easy , but I 'm working on it . Might be the biggest reason God wants me to do this . Having no answers also isn 't easy , not when it seems everyone else knows something . In my four decades , what I 've learned best is that I don 't know much . But that 's what I have to share , so I need to do it . I graduated with a degree in writing . Summa cum laude . With honors . I could write sensual romance , and I would make money . I could join the ranks of DIY bloggers or budget bloggers , and I might have large followings and be able to monetize my blog . Perhaps my dream of moving out of the suburbs and onto a big piece of land , my dream since I was eight , would come true . ( See ? I can share after all ! ! ) However , like the prophet Jeremiah , every time I open my mouth , God comes out . My fiction includes Christian romance with teen / college - age heroines and heroes . I write historical fantasy with a Christian bent . Let 's get real here . Nobody does that . It 's writing career suicide . And yet , whatever my plan when I start , most of the stuff I write comes out that way . It appeals to few . ( I do have a couple non - genre - bending series in the works , including a contemporary Christian romance series , so perhaps God has taken pity on me , and I will put out something with more mass appeal . We 'll see . ) I don 't have a great niche for blogging except I 'm old . No international adoptions in my past . I don 't have ten kids ; I have four . No special needs kids . No time spent living abroad in missionary capacity . I don 't homestead or live off the grid . The only reason to read what I write is that God keeps saying Write Down Your Story . Maybe that means someone out there is supposed to read it . Or perhaps I 'm supposed to read it , and God will use my story in written words to speak truths to me that I missed the first time around . Parents today like expert advice . They like new techniques . I don 't have those , but I can tell you what worked for me . And what didn 't . There are fancy new Bible studies out there with lovely photos and poetic prose about living the best spiritual life ever . I can tell you about falling on my face a million times but still sticking the course . I can talk about failure . I can talk about doubt . I can talk about victories and silver linings . I can say it with correct grammar and decent sentence structure , but beyond that , all I can do is keep it real and put it out there . If you want all the answers or young , pretty bloggers or great inspiration , this isn 't the place . If you want someone who some days wants to throw in the towel and write what sells , envies success , you 're closer . If you want to read about a common soul with a lot of miles , including regrets , defeats , victories , joys , and tears , then welcome . It 's not always a pretty course , but it 's mine . I 'd love to hold your hand and walk a few miles in the sunshine - and the rain - and chat about things . And even if you don 't , I 'll still be here saying them . When I don 't , it 's a fire shut up in my bones , or so says Jeremiah ( chapter 20 ) , and holding it in is worse than letting it out . I 've quit blogging more than once , but I always get sent back here . So here I stand . Better than having smoldering bones . If you want to try my genre - bending fiction , check it out on this site or visit my author 's site www . JillPenrod . com . This entry was posted on February 10 , 2016 , in Blog , The Bard , Wading In and tagged blogging , writing . Leave a comment Hey , Welcome ! My name is Jill Penrod . I 'm a fiction novelist ( check out my Facebook link below ! ! ) . But I 'm also a near - empty nester looking to regain things I 've lost . My verse this year is Jeremiah 6 : 16 , where God tells Israel to stand at the crossroads and choose the ancient path that leads to peace . My journey this year is to declutter my space , honor God with my time and my gifts , seek Him in new ways , and see what He speaks to my soul as I do . I 'd love for you to join me on my journey . |
Okay , more news on the firewood front . I tend to talk a lot about wood because it 's one of the few things I actually know how to deal with . That , and making brownies . Either way , we 've got two years stacked , and I can relax a little before I start working on year three , which I will cut into blocks and maybe , if I have time , split and stack in the woods . We have already gone through about half of this year 's wood , so it 's highly likely that we 'll dip into next years wood before the weather warms up . Also , I just wanted to mention that wood that I am burning that has been drying for two years still sizzles , which makes me wonder what I 'm doing wrong . Why can 't I get dry wood ? My solution is to dry it even longer , but if anyone has any advice , please do tell . Thanks for reading . During the holidays , home improvement becomes a family affair , and I can 't tell you how cool this is . Things that I 've put off doing because I am totally clueless ( which pretty much includes everything ) get finished and things that are broken get fixed , especially electronic items . Yet another reason to wish that our family would visit more often , but don 't get me started . First off , the FEBP , which is moving at a snail 's pace . Electrical work just scares me , though guys like JH or PR are fearless when it comes to wires . JH came over and did an amazing job of wiring up most of the front door lights , but there was still the issue of the overhead light and the switch . Well , PR looked at it and said , " Let 's get to work . " My first reaction was to think , " Shouldn 't we put it off until next year ? " The first thing to do was to get the proper tools , which included wire cutting accessories and assorted pliers . Once these were procured , PR went to work , and didn 't stop or hesitate until the job was done . It was pretty amazing to watch , and not a hint of doubt or trepidation . He managed to fish the wired through a small hole to hook up the overhead light , and replaced the switch box to accommodate an additional switch . When I looked at all those wires coming out of the wall , I almost fainted . PR also fixed the seal on the front door , and then RR took a look at our TV , which no longer works because it fell of the shelf and hit the floor like a rock . RR wanted examine it , so he took the thing apart and figured out what might be the problem . Talk about going for it , he just dismantled the TV and had a good look , no hesitation . He thought it might need a new circuit board , and said he might even have on at home and would bring it the next time they visited . I can tell you one thing , the TV will not be fixed ( at least not by me ) by the next time they visit . Pretty impressive stuff . Sometimes I think we should have a TV show , The Family Home Improvement Show . I would simply be a clueless observer , of course . Until the next time , thankPosted by When I was kid , my dad had a voltmeter that I loved to play with to check batteries and light bulbs . I 'd been told by JH that they were useful ( of course he has one in his magic bag of tools ) , and I toyed with the idea of getting one , when lo and behold , when we had family over , we had an occasion to get one . RR and PR were fixing the kid 's electric motor , and RR mentioned a voltmeter would be useful . Say no more . PR and I ran over to Aubuchon and got one ( actually , it 's a multimeter ) , and we used it extensively over the course of the weekend . The kids got a huge kick out of it , too , so it was a win - win situation . I love when that happens . We now know which batteries still have charge in them , which as any kid will tell you , is extremely useful information . Thanks for reading . I 'm in awe of my brother in law , PR . The guy is a home improvement master , he should wear a cape and red tights . He is fearless , and inspires me to follow in his brave footsteps , or at least be less of a spineless jellyfish . He was here for a few days and his impact was significant . No job is too big or demanding for him to tackle , and he jumps in like it was nothing . It 's pretty amazing to watch , and watch I did . First off , he fixed the kitchen light . The upper bulb kept going out , and dismantled it and saw it was a loose connection with a rivet that requires soldering . Fortunately , I had asked RR to bring his soldering iron to help fix one of the kid 's toys , so PR used that to fix the light . Next , he took on the wiring that JH had started . He replaced the electrical box , rewired it and hooked up the upper light in the vestibule . He ran into some problems with a severed wire , a situation that would have made me throw in the towel , but he persevered , and had wires coming out of every wall in the house . He managed to fix it , and now the front porch lights are ready to go . Finally , he fixed the front door . He probably could have installed all of the siding on the barn if he 'd have stayed longer . The guy is amazing . Now , if only we could get him to stay longer , then we 'd have an entire shopping mall built by next summer . Until the next time , thanks for reading . JH came over and we ( I should say he , I just watched and handed him tools ) got the wiring done , but there wasn 't time to get the lights put in , nor did we have all the equipment . For the record , the store did not have the switches we needed , so I need to go elsewhere . In the meantime , the front is ready to be wired and the lights installed . I ran into an electrician at the library and he gave some advice about how to do the lights . He said what they do is use a pine board to frame the light , then put the clapboards around that . Say no more , sounds good to me . I just need to find some wood , cut a hole , and then I 'm in business . I could even put the board in without the light , but we 'll see how that goes . I do , however , forsee that this could be finished and done before the new year . How crazy would that be ? Then again , crazier things have happened . Until the next time , thanks for reading . This is old news for some , but I 'm trying to chronicle this in proper order , so excuse the redundancy . We managed to finally get the front step in , and I had some help getting it done . N in particular likes to help out by nailing and hammering and especially painting . A likes to help with the painting , as well . It makes for a fun day getting things done , and the kids learn the value of lending a hand , namely in the form of a happy dad . With the step in , I could caulk the seam and put in some flashing . I decided to use shims under the step , essentially making for a double shim pitch , which worked out beautifully . It was not as apparent as I 'd thought it would be , and now we can be sure to encourage water to fall away from the house . With the step screwed in , I could put in the trim , after it was painted by my fabulous assistants , of course , and then begin thinking about putting in the clapboards as well as the lights . The lights will require wiring so that could be out of my league , but I can definitely do siding . I 'll wait for JH or PR to work with electricity . Until then , thanks for reading . This will probably not be the last that you will hear about these logs , but at least for now , they are gone . I can 't believe it . The process of having them carted off has been such a pain in my you - know - what that I almost don 't even care what happens to them at this point . . . almost . As I mentioned , I contacted CI about them , and he said he 'd mill them if I could get them over there . Easier said than done . He did recommend calling his neighbor , DS , who is a logger and has a truck and a small trailer . I called and left a message , and the actually returned my call . He said I was lucky to have reached him because he is out for most of the day . He came over with his trailer and saw , and was I ever happy to see him . He said some of the logs were too long and that they 'd need to be cut . I was worried that my saw would get pinched , and he looked at me and shook his head , indicating that he thought I was a big sissy , and brought out his massive chainsaw . He told me that in 40 years of logging , he 'd never got his saw pinched , and I believed it . He cut the logs like they were Popsicle sticks , loaded them into his trailer , and carted them off . I told him I 'd follow him to where they were going , but he knows CI , and said don 't bother . Then they were gone . I can 't tell you how happy this makes me . AND , DS is local , meaning he 's a neighbor , and he can sell me log length hard wood in smaller increments than what I 'm buying . Life is good . Until the next time , thanks for reading . I had this amazing revelation about the whole log mess , and it might work out , after all . During all this time that I 've been fretting over what to do with these logs , I 'd forgotten all about CI . I figured he was out of the picture because the guy is busy trying to build his homestead , he doesn 't need more work on his plate . Either way , I figured I 'd give him a call , because the logs are in a good place now , and he wouldn 't need bring his excavator . I spoke with him and he was totally cool . He said he 'd be happy to mill the wood , and that he was sorry he 'd forgotten , but that he didn 't have a way to move the logs . In other words , I was going to have to find a way . He did , however , suggest a friend , who I 'll call . At least I 've found someone willing to cut the logs into boards , so I 'm about 35 % there . All I need is a 10 ton truck . Piece of cake . We 'll see where this one goes . Until then , thanks for reading , and thanks to Michaela Kobyakov for the pic . The FEBP is moving along nicely , and we are well on the way to finishing the step . In fact , we could possibly start putting in clapboards in the next week or so , but that could be getting too crazy , even for me . I installed the wood board for the step , and that went fairly well . I was worried about getting enough pitch , and ended up erring on the side of caution and giving it more pitch than I might have needed . I accomplished this by putting shims under the plywood , which I then put I & W shield over , then puts shims over that . I thought the pitch would be too crazy , though it sure as heck would shift the water away from the house , but it wasn 't so bad . In fact , it looked good , and I 'm glad I took that approach . I secured the board with galvanized screws , then caulked the heck out of the gap , which wasn 't too bad . I then put flashing ( aluminum foil tape ) over the caulk , and then laid the Tyvek over that . Is that crazy , or what ? I think the setup does a fairly good job of taking into account that dreaded drop of water . Think like a droplet , like they say . Now that the step is installed , I 'll put in the trim , and then it 's time for clapboards . I don 't think I 'll be able to paint it this season , but the boards are primed , so I can leave them until next year . I 'm kind of excited . Until then , thanks for reading . Okay , our wood is now about 90 % done , and even if I quit at this point , we would be fine for this Winter , but in my ideal situation , I 'd have two years cut and split , and then have a third sitting and waiting in the woodsIs this getting old yet ? Have we already passed that point ? Sorry about that . Until the next time , thanks for reading , and thanks to John Hughes for the pic . I realize this is a bit of a waste of time , but I need to run the lawnmower dry before I store it for the Winter . Same with the chainsaw , though I can cut wood well into Winter . At least that 's what real men do . . . I think . My sensei says the saw runs better in the cold , anyway , and he 's a logger . Either way , I 'm wrestling with this lawn , mainly because it 's covered with leaves , as well . The leaves make it hard because they 're a pain to rake , and they clog up the mower . Wah , wah , wah . Can I whine a little more ? I should get a flock of sheep , that would solve my problems . Then again , it would introduce a whole new set of them . I 'll get to it soon enough , I think . I 'd like to store the lawnmower properly this year , something I haven 't always done in the past . Help keep the carburator healthy . Thanks for reading , and thanks to Michal Zacharzewski for the pic . In terms of small projects , I did manage to finish the wall racks for our skis . Now we are ready to start the ski season with right frame of mind . I lightly stained the wood just for effect , and the final step will be to secure it to the wall , which may require some stud finding , or at the very least , employing some drywall anchors . Molly bolts , as I 've been told . I will say this , as frivolous as this project may seem , I do think it will keep the mudroom a little more orderly , and this will go a long way in making it a more harmonious Winter . Plus , it makes us feel like we live in a Swiss ski chalet . How can you beat that ? Until the next time , thanks for reading . I am gradually chipping away at the pile of wood blocks out back , and it is possible that before the snow takes over , I 'll finish splitting it and be ready to cut some more logs . The problem is , I had to fuel up the chainsaw to cut that maple log , and now it has gas in it . Also , I have a full gas can . Losing the gallon of gas is not the end of the world , though I might as well finish it . The bigger issue is emptying the chainsaw tank , something that was recommended to me by the guys at Joe 's Equipment . I could easily use of that gallon cutting the pile of tree - length out front , it 's really question of time and getting it done before Winter comes down hard on us . According to the forecast , we may have mild weather up to Thanksgiving , so I 'll keep my fingers crossed . Until then , thanks for reading . I finally took out that long board that I 'm going to use for the front step and cut it to size , then stained / treated it . I went with the Cabot silicone based waterproofing , which is a new product and not yet time tested , but it is water based , which I liked , and comes in clear stains . My biggest worry was screwing up the cutting , because it 's such a big piece , and if I blew it , then I wasn 't sure what to do with the thing . I think I got it right , it fits , after all . I need to secure it with screws , but before I get too crazy with that , I 'll need to measure out some trim , and make some flashing . I figure before I secure the board , at least I should have everything ready so that I can get it all done before it starts to rain . The way it is now , if it does rain and get wet , I can lift the board off and let it dry underneath . Still not sure if I should put spacers under the board , though I did find a potential solution , though it would require some searching as well as more work , but what else is new ? Until then , thanks for reading . I am curious to see what our final bill will come out to , but I just want to say that it 's been a good experience thus far with Dan Clay , and I would highly recommend him . By far the most professional of all the excavators that we 've dealt with . They returned calls ASAP , gave us timely written estimates , spelled out what needed to be done , and were up front and at the ready in terms of scheduling . I enjoyed and appreciated working with JF , his work partner . They came when they said they 'd come , and got the job done in a timely manner . They also were open to whatever changes or designs we wanted , even giving us suggestions and ideas as to how we could save some money . In the end , and I 'm guessing this is standard MO , they did some final grooming , laid down some grass seeds , and put hay over that . Kind of a nice touch , though probably not so necessary , since it 's late in the season and we kind of liked having a big dirt field . Also , they cleared out the area behind the barn and seeded that , so the barn has a bit of backyard , which is really nice . For a person like me who has money anxieties , it was much appreciated . We also need some work done on the driveway , so if that ever happens , we 'll definitely be calling Dan Clay . Until the next time , thanks for reading . I noticed that when we installed the front door in its new location , it did not seem to create a perfect seal to block out drafts . There was a small gap between the frame and door , and was not a big issue but will become one in the Winter . The goal here is to seal that gap . I also noticed that the door in the mudroom doesn 't match up perfectly either , so it could be a limitation of the construction . My first inclination was to just put weather stripping in the space and close it up , but my brother in law , PR , said the right was was to remove the current stripping and re - install it closer to the door . This sounds simple enough , but closer inspection to the door told me that it wasn 't so simple . Truth be told , I 'm not quite sure how it should be done , and I sit there and scratch my head as to how to remove that thing and move it . For the record , I tried the weather stripping and it didn 't really work , which really bummed me out . I think in the process of man - handling that door , we may have tweaked the frame or door a bit and now they don 't match up that well . Bummer . I 'm still thinking of solutions , but am confident that I 'll figure something out , and hopefully before the temperature drops below zero degrees . Until then , thanks for reading . As far as the wainscoting goes , I sure am learning a lot about interior paints . Actually , way more than I wanted to . Latex , oil , primers , low VOC , no VOC . The list goes one . So far , there is only one thing I 'm sure of , and that is that everyone 's got a different story to tell . It 's amazing how people see things so differently , and being the neurotic , anal - retentive OCD sufferer , I don 't do well with so much information . Too many darn choices . The initial information was that we had to go oil based on the primer and then latex on the paint because the wood has a dark stain on it . Others have told me that you can just put a latex coat over it and then paint . However , two sources that are reliable mentioned that oil can seep through a latex primer , especially if it 's a light color . I 'm going with that information . This necessitates something that will seal the wood , and of course oil works best with oil . My Mentor mentioned that there should be some latex products out there that will fit the bill , and to do some investigating . Yikes ! I called around , and again , everyone has told me something different . I finally called a few companies , and have thus far arrived at the following plan . Rustoleum makes a line of primers call Zissner , and one in particular is called Smart Prime . It is a latex primer that seals and is supposed to do the job . One that is on , I 'd go with a low VOC or no VOC paint . With VOC , lower is better , none is best . Benjamin Moore makes a paint called Natura that is better for the environment and has no VOC . Say no more . I 've also learned that there are even organic paints made with all natural ingredients , but it gets crazy when you do the searches , and at some point you just have to make a choice . I 'm also leaning to B Moore 's exterior latex stain ( Arborcoat ) as an alternative to Cabot 's oil based stain . So I did , and that 's where it stands , at least for today . Things could change by the afternoon , however , so stay tuned . Until then , thanks for reading . One week later and the logs are still sitting there . I do have faith that something will happen to them , it must . They are in the way of where I want them to deliver the siding , so they can 't sit there forever . At the very least , I 'll cut the wood up and toss it into the woods , but again , I 'd like to have the boards . I spoke to Wright 's Mill and he said that he 's cut as few as two logs , and no matter what , you still end up saving money . The easier you make it for them , the more money you save . Say no more . I was going to ask Dan Clay to move them , but they finished the job quickly and took the excavator away . I may have to ask CH to help , but the guy is so busy . I am still trying to contact the logger down the road . Something will happen , the sooner the better . This should be interesting . Until then , thanks for reading . We had to do some quick thinking when the excavators were here , but we managed to come out the other end fairly unscathed . We were just glad that it was done , and now that it is , not only do we have a septic system ready to go , but we have a new playground to frolic in . They cleared away a large swath of the yard in order to get that system done , and in the process , cleared away a fairly tenacious plot of milkweed , goldenrod , and raspberries . It 's actually really nice back there , and I think they plan on seeding it with grass , so it will make a nice yard to go with the finished barn . Whatever be the case , the big dirt plot meant it was time to break out the bikes and do some off road riding . It 's a good thing the weather warmed up . Thanks for reading . Since we did a fairly drastic change in our floor plan and had to do an about face on where the septic tank will be , it goes without saying that the whole scenario filled me with anxiety . How the heck were we going to pull this off now ? At least for now , the septic pipe has been laid and is now eagerly awaiting a grand union with a toilet and sink . . . or two , or three ! Truth be told , I wasn 't that stressed , because I knew we could work something out ( nothing a reciprocating saw and a hammer can 't fix ) , but I was also just relieved to get some big challenges out of the way , namely the septic system and those darn logs ( still dealing with those ) . B the plumber ( I still don 't know his last name ) came over and we talked , and he is so calm and relaxed , maybe just confident , that any concerns I had were put to rest . He even suggested something that I was thinking about , which was to shift the bathroom plan and make a small 1 / 2 bath next to the kitchen , just in case you 're doing the dishes and beckons , and then put the bigger bathroom upstairs . This gives us much many more options for the design . Now that the septic system is in , we have the wonderful task of coming up with a design , which based on past experience , should only take about a year . Of course , we 'll need some feedback on the design from my in - laws , who will be visiting over the holidays and can chime in on what they 'd like to see . This is everyone 's golden opportunity to design a bathroom from the ground up , so everyone should give it some thought . A family affair . How can you beat that ? Until then , thanks for reading . I 've been given a sign that I should get on this darn front step , and it comes in the form of nice weather . Actually , the weather has been lousy , but warmer . This means I can stain or paint in the great outdoors . With this in mind , I 'm hoping to get to that front step this week . I just got the waterproofing stain . It 's the blue jug , a silicone based product that is oil - free from Cabot . I hope it works , because I 'm going to use it on our picnic table ( if it 's safe ) as well . The other can is our oil - free external siding stain , which I hope will replace the oil based weathering stain . Are we eco - conscious , or what ? Anyway , all I need to do ( as if it were so simple ) is cut the board to size and screw it in . Best of all , this is something A & N can help me with because they like to staple in the shims . A family affair . I won 't say too much because overly - committing myself to anything only leads to trouble . Oh yeah , did I mention that I still haven 't glued in the blueboard ? Yikes , Winter is here . Thanks for reading . In light of having so many projects ongoing , it is difficult to justify adding yet another one to the mix , but when you 're training to be a real man , you can 't let practical matters like time get in the way of doing things . With this in mind , I made a rack to hold our skis up in the mudroom . Winter is usually this wrestling match with our ski equipment , especially with two types of skis and now hockey equipment , it is amazing that it even fits in the room . The skis are usually piled up in one corner , and getting them involves digging through the debris and untangling various straps and poles . Not a huge deal , but not the most organized look and feel . Now , in the quest to make our mudroom look like a Swiss ski chalet , I made the racks . Now the question becomes , do I just put them up , or stain them first . I 'm leaning to the latter , as I 'm sure my Mentor would , as well , but we 'll see . Until then , thanks for reading . to justify small projects when so many big ones needing attention , but at least something 's geting done This whole septic drama is getting a bit out of hand , and I realize that we really weren 't properly prepared for this and could have done things so much differently . Along these lines , the excavator even said if you build three houses in a row , you build them differently every time because you are constantly learning from your mistakes . That said , we now know that the most important thing before you even begin to build a house is deciding where your toilet is going to be . This will determine where the septic pipe will leave the house , and thus the location of your septic tank . Everything else about the house should come after that . I know my Mentor is shaking his head and can 't wait to say , " I hate to say I told you so , but . . . " which for the record , is simply not true , because I know that he loves to say " I told you so . " Either way , we were warned from day 1 that we needed to figure out where the bathroom would be , and then indicate where we wanted the septic tank . We then proceeded to ignore these warnings and try to move forward . Now we are suffering for our sins . The problem is ( there 's always a problem ) that we had a design that the engineer worked with , and once the plan was finished and the design approved , we went ahead and changed it . This , of course , was because we hadn 't planned properly . The original design had the septic outlet coming out the south side of the barn . This meant that the septic tank could be right next to the barn , which would then be adjacent to the leech field . A straight shot from beginning to end . When we changed the plan , we wanted to put the tank more in the back of the barn , on the east face . This would enable us to put a bathroom in the back / middle of the barn , thus completing our preferred design . However , this also meant that the tank would be farther away , and as we 've learned , we 're operating on margins over here . Because of limitations on how deep the leech field can be , we don 't have unlimited distances . The leech field is set , and the excavators work backwards from there . To Posted by In the continuing adventures with JH ( sans the plumber 's crack ) and his magic bag of tools , we managed to yank out the garbage disposal and put in a new pipe . Or rather , JH yanked out the disposal , and I stood next to him and handed him tools and offered moral support . Hey , don 't discount the importance of support . As Winston Churchill said , " Men can move mountains with words . " As long as the mountains are made of words , of course . Either way , to complete the project , we needed to remove the disposal to figure out what sort of drain would fit in . Measurements had to be taken , and the proper fittings purchased . In retrospect , it took a fair amount of measuring , planning , and note taking in order to maximize efficiency , for which JH is the model of . I would have not only screwed things up on my own , but would have had to have made at least 3 trips back and forth to the hardware store . Removing the disposal was a bit unpleasant , that thing is disgusting . Plus , the hose that attaches it to the drain was filled with all sorts of fun stuff . Once it was out , JH figured out what sort of drain we 'd need to replace it , as well as the pipe fitting to connect the new drain to the existing drain . He even wrote things down , which is something I never do and suffer because of it . We headed over to Aubuchon , and I have to confess , I was impressed with how much the woman new about plumbing . She answered all of JH 's questions , and new exactly what we needed . I realize it 's a bit sexist of me to assume she might not know so much , but maybe I was just jealous that the depth of her knowledge was superior to mine . Ouch ! We came back and had lunch , then JH strapped on his body armor and prepared for the battle . We had to cut the pipe a little , but for the most part , it fit perfectly , and we even had the proper pitch . I 'm learning a lot about pitch with the whole septic system debacle . JH tightened the pipes , and we ran some hot water and finished tightening the connections . No leaks thus far . Now we have a nice clean underside of the sink . RPosted by Speaking of options , we have even more options for our barn siding . Again , the original plan was to put a coat of weathering stain and let nature take its course . The stain is an oil based product , which makes it a pain for cleaning and disposal . I 'd been told that oil products were not the same as they used to be , mainly because they 've made them safer . With that in mind , what were my options ? It turns out that Benjamin Moore makes a latex stain that is clear but has some light pigment similar to the Cabot Oil Stain . The product is called Arborcoat , and it is better for the environment an easier to clean / dispose . I . e . , I don 't have to wait until hazardous waste pickup . I called the guys at B Moore and naturally they endorsed their product . I think I 'm leaning towards it , I just need to give it a try and see how it looks . If it 's okay , then I 'm all for it , and we can begin the seemingly interminable task of painting the siding and then putting it on . Then again , I have to order the stuff first . Until then , thanks for reading . Ah , the problems that arise from thinking too much . If I were more impulsive I would have simply left things well enough alone , but of course I had to investigate some more , and now the situation is more complicated . Then again , it doesn 't have to be . We had RH come over and give some advice about how to tackle the interior decorating . The wainscotting is just too darn dark , and we want to lighten the place up a bit . Our initial plan was to have RH come over and paint the stuff a lighter color , and he mentioned that he 'd need to put on an oil primer because the wood was stained with oil . Because oil is so volatile , he would wear a mask and air out the room with open windows . The work would therefore begin in Spring . Since there would be a long lag period , naturally I investigated into whether I could do it myself over the duration , and like most things involving home improvement , that possibility was there . The woman at Woodstock H & H said you could simply put a latex primer over the wood and then paint it . She mentioned nothing about the oil seeping through , but instead focused on the texture of the wood and recommended this stuff called Stix . I went to Lebanon Paint and the guy confirmed what RH said , that the oil was a potential seepage problem , and that we could either use an oil based primer , or cover it with a polyurethane top coat and then paint that , with Stix . Now I have to decide , to do it or not to do it . Naturally I 'd like to tackle it , but there are so many things going on , do I need another ? Of course I do , especially if it saves us money , and furthers my real man training . We 'll see where this one goes . Until then , thanks for reading . Things aren 't all bad . The excavator , who has this massive machine , moved the logs from behind the barn and placed them in front , and it was a piece of cake . That excavator moved the logs like they were pencils . Now the trees are in a location where the mill guys can access them , so we may be able to finally mill them . This is good , because I may need special rough cut boards to finish the bathroom . We may need to elevate the bathroom about 12 inches in order to get enough pitch for the waste to flow properly to the septic tank . I was told by DC the excavator that the way to do it is with 2X12 boards . I 'm willing to do whatever it takes to see that his project gets realized , because every step of the process seems to open up a new can of worms , and I 'm not fan of eating worms . Also , we can hopefully get the maple milled into thick boards for counter tops , but at this point , I 'm not sure if we 'll ever get in touch with those mill guys . Maybe they 're sending me a message ? There is always the portable mill , but again , I 'm not sure if it 's worth it to have them come over to mill two trees . I 've been told it 's not , but I 've also learned that you can 't make big decisions on someone 's opinion , you have to find out for yourself . Until then , thanks for reading . It turns out that sure enough , we have some problems with our septic system . Part of it stems from our change in plans , but I can 't say for sure if that is the complete root of the problem . The excavators came over early yesterday and right off the bat DC told me that he didn 't think there was enough pitch from house to the tank to the leach field . The problem is , the farther the distance , the deeper everything has to go for gravity to do its job , and there is a limit as to how deep the leach field can be . They seem to start with the leach field and work backwards . As it is , they are operating under less than optimal conditions , because the pipe is not as deep as it could be , so they are having to use blue board insulation . Today they will come and take more accurate measurements and then we have to make a decision , so we 'll keep our fingers crossed . The possible scenarios thus far are as follows : the tank will work out , though we may have to raise the bathroom in order to let gravity feed the pipe from the toilet . This is the best scenario , and the one we are hoping for . The other option would be that we have to install a pump system , which means more money ( a lot , I believe ) , more maintenance , more headache , and more potential problems down the line . This is the worst case scenario and one that might put the project on indefinite hold . The final scenario would be to place the septic tank in the old position , on the side of the barn , and then we 'd have to re - configure the layout , placing the bathroom on the side of the barn . This is a total drag because we already anticipated putting the kitchen there , and would now have to either put the bathroom there , instead , and / or remove and re - install the windows . Not a fun prospect , but possible . There is one more possibility , and one I should broach with the excavators . We could put the tank on the side of the house , shift the bathroom about 10 feet , then cut a huge slice of foundation out and lay the pipe through the barn floor so it would exit the side and reach the tank . Posted by The excavators are coming , the excavators are coming . . . We had been wondering what the status was of the excavators , since we hadn 't really heard from them and past experience has taught us that working with contractors can be a bit of a circus . I had called them and he said they would eventually bring the heavy equipment over and hopefully begin in a week or so . How 's that for vague ? In all fairness , the excavator , Dan Clay , has been about as professional and reliable as I 've ever seen . JF has always come when he said he would , always returns calls , and has up front and straightforward about everything , so I can 't complain . Anyway , we were sitting around waiting , when two nights ago R came home from work and said there was a big excavator sitting in our driveway . What ? I went out there and sure enough , they had arrived . JF then called me to say that they had finished job early and would begin on our septic system this Thursday . Whoa , are things cooking along , or what ? I had to scramble out to the barn to clear an area where they will work , not to mention indicate where we want the pipes to come out . Also , I fired up my trusty chainsaw and attempted to cut that beast of a log in two . The thing is massive , and I think I cut about 99 . 7 % of it , but it 's so big I can 't tell if I 've gone all the way through , and I don 't want the saw to dig into the ground . Oh well , when he picks the thing up with the excavator , it should snap in two . I asked him to move the thing to where the lumber guys can pick it up , but that 's a drama for another blog entry . In the meantime , if things work out right , which of course they never do , we may have a septic system installed one day . Then again , there are always complications , so stay tuned for more . Until then , thanks for reading . We are marching along steadily with the firewood , and may even have next years wood stacked and ready before the first snow . Of course , having said that , I now won 't get it done until next year , but that 's what happens when you get too cocky , especially when it is unwarranted . Either way , I would say that we are about half done . It is amazing to me how much wood actually goes into a wood pile . It seems like I split cord after cord , but once it gets stacked , it doesn 't look like that much . Then it 's back to the chopping block . We have a good system going . The kids help out , though N is more enthusiastic . He really loves to stack wood . I get a good pile going of split wood , and then the two of us start to stack it . It 's actually a lot of fun working with the kids , they 're really cute when they want to help out , and it really does make a difference . I would love to finish this pile in the next week or two so I 'll have one less thing to have to think about . Then again , I still have 7 cords of uncut wood waiting for me , so never mind . Also , I am thinking that we 're going to crack into next year 's wood before this year is up . This always happens , my planning always seems to fall a little short , but I guess I 'm still learning , and it 's going to take some time . I tried to increase the length and height of the pile , but we 've already used about 20 % of this year 's wood , and we have not gone through 20 % of Winter . Oh well , live and learn . Until the next time , thanks for reading . I am on the cusp of ordering the siding for the barn , but a couple of things are holding me back . In addition to the enormous cost of buying all that wood , I first have to figure out how much I 'll need . I 'm guessing around 2000 linear feet , which is a heck of a lot of wood . I have to revisit my high school math and start calculating square feet and areas of triangles . Do I need the pythagorean theorem ? I was also thinking that I should wait until the excavators are done with the septic system , because a pile of wood that big might get in the way , especially when you have 10 tons of equipment . I 'm thinking within the week I 'll order it , however , and then there 's no turning back . Also on the siding front ( or side ? ) , I 'm leaning towards using a different stain . Benjamin Moore makes a transparent latex stain that is supposed to be top notch . I like that it 's not oil , easier to clean and discard . We 'll see about this one . I have to make a decision , and that is never a pretty sight to behold . Until then , thanks for reading . ordering siding , a lot of money , scares meneed to measure the barn and then figure out how many linear feet are needed If you can believe this one , I finally installed that mirror I got , and it only took about two months . Amazing . I lucked out in that some of the fasteners fell on studs , so they held really well . And like all things I put off because I 'm a wimp , it wasn 't that bad . I sort of knew it wouldn 't be that bad , it was just another thing I had to deal with , and I tend to deal with things by ignoring them . It drives R crazy . Either way , the mirror is in , it really brightens up the bathroom , and now I can put my contacts in without losing my mind . Thanks for reading . |
After his wife 's death , Grandpa Loren went into a state of depression ( as most elderly do when their life partner has passed ) . His blood pressure began spiraling out of control . He needed someone to make sure he was taking his blood sugar medicine because sometimes he would forget and end up in the hospital because of it . He spent a couple more years cooped up in his house in Minnesota until finally my dad convinced him to move out to Virginia and live with my family . He moved out to Virginia in 1997 and I still remember his first day with us like it was yesterday . In Virginia , Grandpa found new life . He could no longer drive a car which was difficult for him because he couldn 't go out and visit people when he wanted . But the lack of transportation wasn 't going to stop Grandpa from talking to people , that 's just the person he was . Within the first few months , he knew more people in our neighborhood than my parents did and they had been living there for more than ten years ! He knew everyone on our street and they knew him , and liked him very much . He would stop and talk to someone for hours . Everyday he 'd make his rounds to check up on the community . When his legs became too weak to walk the distance of our neighborhood , that still didn 't stop him ! He bought a scooter and would drive that thing around the neighborhood every day . I remember him taking me for a ride on it a couple times . I loved it because it could go up to about forty miles an hour and Grandpa was not afraid to push it to the limit ! Grandpa would always be sitting in his comfy layout chair , cigar in mouth , either listening to old opera music or watching old movies . I remember I 'd sit in Grandpa 's room to watch old western movies ( his favorite ) and sports games . We 'd always bet against each other to make the games more competitive . I would root for the Chicago Bulls and he would root for whoever was playing against them . His favorite actor was John Wayne , probably because he was from Iowa . I 'm pretty sure he had every John Wayne movie ever made and could tell you anything there was to know about good old John . Everything that happened throughout his day reminded him of a story in his past . He was always telling stories ! Looking back I wish I would have paid better attention but I was young and naive . Grandpa died on March 3 , 2002 in our home in Virginia . I remember the day like it was yesterday . It was a Sunday . I remember my mom waking me up with tears in her eyes , " Grandpa 's gone sweetie . " She asked me to round up my little brothers so she could tell them as well . We all cried for hours . Dad was downstairs with the police , filling out paper work as they took away his body . I don 't remember ever seeing my dad cry before that day . The night before , my basketball team had won it 's final playoff game to advance to the semi - finals . Grandpa was in attendance ( as usual ) and he was just as happy for me as I was . I remember him saying , " good job out there son , you made your old Grandpa proud ! " I 'll never forget those words . My game was that afternoon but I didn 't want to play . I was only twelve years old and had never experienced the death of a close family member before . But my dad wanted me to play , saying it would be what grandpa wanted , so I did . I felt weird getting ready for that game , it was unlike any other feeling I have ever had in my entire life . I just wanted to grieve but knew I had to hold my composure . No one knew that my grandpa had just died . No one knew the whirlwind of emotions I was feeling inside , but I did , and Grandpa did . Right before the game started I remember feeling a tremendous presence of peace come over me . The feeling is unexplainable . Whatever it was , I believe it attributed to what happened to be the greatest basketball game I had ever played . I scored more points in that game than I ever had before . I was unstoppable , making every shot I attempted . We were greatly outmatched by the team we were playing but we were winning for most of the game . It came down to the buzzer . We were ahead by two points when one of the players from the other team threw up a prayer from half court that went in right as the buzzer sounded . It was a devastating loss for the team , but it really didn 't effect me that much , I had my mind on something greater than the game of basketball . Although we lost , I felt Grandpa with me on that day . All in all , I look back on my time spent with Grandpa as a wonderful experience . He taught me many valuable lessons and gave me tremendous advice that I didn 't pick up on until years later . I wish he was still alive so that I could obtain more knowledge from him . I wish I valued the wisdom of the elderly as much as I do now . As a kid , I knew nothing . I thought I knew it all , but knew nothing . I was clueless and helpless . I am thankful that I even learned as much as I did from him , even if it was subconsciously . Grandpa and I butted heads a lot , but I realize now that it 's because we were so much alike . He , like I , was stubborn and always thought he was right . I can 't begin to count how many arguments we got into over silly little things like , how many home runs Babe Ruth hit or how far away the nearest grocery store was ; it didn 't really matter whether or not we had the right answer as long as we won the argument . Now that I 'm older , the similarities between he and I are becoming more and more apparent . He , like I , was a tremendously social character . He was friends with everyone , especially the ladies . He had the dream of making it big , but always kept family his number one priority . I truly believe that out of everyone in my family tree , I am most like my Grandpa Loren . It 's a shame I didn 't get to know him longer … After all the kids had grown up and moved to far off places , Grandpa and Grandma decided to buy a small travel trailer home . They took trips to California to visit Kathy and her family . They would also visit my mom and dad who were living in Alexandria , Virginia . They especially loved to visit Florida , and eventually bought a permanent home in Orlando . In 1983 Grandma Darlyne became ill . The Florida doctors didn 't think it was anything serious but Grandpa felt compelled to go to Alexandria and see a doctor there . After seeing the doctors at the Mount Vernon Hospital ( five minutes from where I grew up ) it was discovered that Grandma Darlyne had colon cancer . She had surgery at Mount Vernon and stayed with my mom and dad while she recuperated . After they thought the cancer had gone into remission they went back to Florida , only for it to come back in 1986 . It was then they decided to move to Minneapolis , Minnesota to be close to Joanna and Kathy . Grandpa did all he could to take care of Grandma while she was ill . My Aunt Joanna tells it best : " He was very much at her side , very supportive and tried to help any way he could . During one of Mom 's stay in the hospital , I remember Dad coming up to her , and they began to dance a little 2 - step together . Their movements were graceful and in perfect harmony . I was so surprised . I had never seen them dance before . They were definately reliving their early years together , right there in the hospital room . It 's probably the most precious memory I have of them . " April 20 , 2010 In the latter half of the 1960s Grandpa had a rough stretch of health problems . First , he had a heart attack and suffered mental problems , which led to dependency upon additive medicine . In 1970 , his legs just gave out on him . When doctors could not figure out what was wrong with him he was driven to Des Moines to go see a back specialist . The specialist discovered that Grandpa 's vertebrae had collapsed and was cutting into his spinal cord , leaving it hanging literally by a thread . The doctors told Grandpa that he needed surgery although it would be dangerous and there was a chance he wouldn 't live through it . Although his survival questionably , one thing seemed certain : Grandpa would never walk again . Regardless , they decided to go through with the surgery . Grandpa was understandably anxious about it . The night before the surgery , the family visited him . He waited until only my dad and his brother Kenny were in the room and told my dad , " You have to promise me that you 'll take care of Momma . " My dad tried to encourage him by telling him he was going to be alright but Grandpa wouldn 't let him leave until he promised to say those words . Thankfully , Grandpa survived . After the surgery he went through three or four months of physical therapy . Although doctors said he 'd never walk again , Grandpa 's therapist refused to believe it . She was a God - fearing woman who believed that God , not the doctors , could make him walk again . Sure enough , after four months , Grandpa could walk . This miracle led to a positive change in Grandpa . He threw out his pain killers that he had relied on for so long and replaced them with God . His pain slowly went away . Over the years , his legs got stronger and stronger . When he first left the hospital he couldn 't walk without a cain in both hands . Eventually he could walk with only one , and finally he was walking without any assistance at all . Grandpa 's soul had been revived . He loved taking long walks for exercise and to meet new people . " He loved taking long walks for exercise and to meet people . He told me about 20 years ago that he has a goal that every day , he wanted to make at least one person smile , " my dad says . April 20 , 2010 I think it 's every father 's dream to have a son . Daughters are great , but there 's something special about a father - son bond that cannot be matched . So was the case with Grandpa when his first son was finally born in November of 1954 . Now he was finally able to do some " guy " stuff . Grandpa and Dad One thing Grandpa loved doing with his kids was riding horses . Horse riding was a passion of Grandpa 's for his entire life , so it was no surprise that he passed that love onto his children . Kathy received her first horse when she was thirteen and when her horse eventually gave birth to a baby colt , Grandpa gave it to my dad who ended up hating it because it would bite and kick him all the time . " I know Grandpa got frustrated with my fears from time to time , " says my dad . Grandpa taught his kids how to train or " break " horses , as it 's commonly referred to , and all three of them developed into good horse riders . When it came to travel , Grandpa Loren took his family everywhere . My dad remembers taking fishing trips to Minnesota and camping trips to South Dakota , Colorado , Nebraska and even California . While out in the wilderness , He 'd take my dad out to go hunting and fishing . He taught my dad how to " clean " the fish and game ( squirrels , rabbits , pheasants , yuck ! ) in order to cook and eat them . Hunting and fishing weren 't the only manly things Grandpa and his son did together . They 'd often throw around the football , Grandpa would teach my dad everything he knew about being an undersized player . " He taught me that quickness could overcome disadvantages like lack of size , as he learned playing lineman at only 138 pounds , " says my dad of Grandpa . " It paid off for me because even though I was only about 140 pounds when I was a Junior , I made first team as an offensive line guard . " One major difference between Grandpa and my father was their interest in music . Everyone in the family - Grandpa , Grandma , Joanna and Kathy focused on and were very good at singing . Everyone , except for dad . Grandpa did an excellent job guiding Joanna and Kathy in their singing but had difficulty trying to keep my dad interested . " I thought I had to set myself apart , so I focused on sports ( which was the wrong decision ) , " my dad jokes . It wasn 't until high school that my dad would start singing but it wasn 't the type of singing I 'm sure old Grandpa was accustomed to . He sang for his band , " The Executioners ! " I don 't know how Grandpa felt about that , but I 'm pretty sure he didn 't know . When Grandpa suffered a collapsed vertebrae in his back in 1970 , it was up to my dad to run the farm . He was only a high school kid yet he kept the farm running . His sisters were all grown up and had moved out by that time . Therefore the responsibility rested on his shoulders . Without even thinking twice about it , my dad woke up early before school to work on the farm and continued to work when he got home in the afternoon . What little time he had left was spent doing homework and maintaining his good grades . After three or four months in the hospital Grandpa returned to the farm . He was able to walk with two canes but could never farm again . His boy Kenny took over the farm operations from then on . " I remember one very touching time when I was running for conditioning for track one spring . The track team would run a mile or two north of town on the highway and then run back . I was in the middle of my run , and Grandpa pulls up in his car . Out of the blue , for no special occassion , he had bought me a new watch and he gave it to me right there , and he thanked me for all the work I was doing for the family . He had tears in his eyes . i was a bit taken aback … certainly surprised by it . I thanked him and he drove off . I think I cried all the way running back to the school . He didn 't have to do that for me . " - My dad Grandpa Loren married Darlyne Luhman on May 16 , 1942 in Riverside , California . Nine short months later they had their first daughter , Joanna . Soon afterwards , Grandpa was drafted into the army to help fight in World War II . By that time , the war was nearly over but Grandpa said , " They were scraping the bottom of the barrel . " Because he was registered for the draft in Des Moines , he packed his bags and moved the family back to Iowa . He was sent to Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri for basic training but with a weak back , he didn 't last long . He was honorably discharged after only serving ten months . Rather than returning to the " glitz and glam " of California , Grandpa decided to help his father - in - law with his farm in Lohrville , Iowa . It took some convincing but good old Papa Luhman did it ; he convinced Grandpa to be a farmer . This was no small task for a city slicker like my Grandpa . I can 't even imagine what it was like for him to go from show business in California to farming in nowheresville , Iowa . What a drastic turn of events ! Nevertheless , Grandpa pursued farming , even after his farming neighbors would poke fun at him from time to time . On December 9 , 1947 Darlyne gave birth to their second child Kathryn , expanding the family to four . Farming was a modest living and quite frankly didn 't make Grandpa enough money to support his family . He tried boring , part time jobs here and there . He was everything from an assistant county tax assessor ( fun ) , to car salesman , to finally teaching vocal music classes at the local high school . Grandpa did anything and everything he could to support his growing family ; which got even bigger in 1954 with the final addition being my dad , Kenneth , named after Grandpa 's older brother . Although his professional singing career was over , Grandpa was often asked to sing at weddings and funerals . He had been out of practice for a while and was reluctant to sing but his family eventually talked him into it . April 20 , 2010 After college , Grandpa started singing for WHO Radio in Des Moines under the name Juan Ricardo ( probably because he looked spanish ) . It was during this time that Grandpa became well acquainted with Ronald Reagan , who was the sports announcer for the radio station at the time . Reagan loved to ride horses . Grandpa 's brother Russell managed a riding academy in Des Moines that Reagan belonged to and whenever he 'd go out to ride he would ask Grandpa if he was available to ride with him . After a couple of years , Reagan landed a movie contract and left for California . One day Grandpa was negotiating his future singing contract with the WHO manager when Reagan walked in " to brag about his Hollywood contract . " Grandpa asked Reagan , " Ron , what do you think about this contract ? " Reagan looked over and said , " Loren , if you sign this contract , they will own you the rest of your life . " He never signed the contract . Instead , Grandpa took the future president 's advice and headed to California to see if he could break into the music business . For money he started working at Lockheed Manufacture , building fighter planes for WWII . While in California , he did circulate in the music industry but became overwhelmed at the level of competition he was facing ; something he probably wasn 't used to in Iowa . Eventually , he got noticed by a well known executive in the music business . He thought Grandpa had a lot of potential but unfortunately moved to Texas . He tried to convince Grandpa to move with him in order to manage his career but by that time Grandpa had his mind made up . " My sweetheart in Iowa has been waiting for me and she is coming to California and we 're getting married ! " April 20 , 2010 Grandpa Loren decided to stay in his home city when picking a college , selecting Drake University in his home city of Des Moines , Iowa . He went to Drake because it had an excellent music program and majored in music education . He became a member of the Phi Mu Alpha Fraternity of Music . He was also acted and sang in opera at Drake , winning top male vocal in two operas . It is there where he would meet his future wife , Darlyne Luhman in 1935 . Evidence of this rests in the personal Christmas card he sent her that year . My Aunt Joanna recalls Grandpa telling her the story of how they first met . Apparently Grandpa Loren was getting ready to perform a solo for an upcoming performance but he needed a piano player to accompany him while he practiced . He was in the theatre and noticed a lovely little " gal " sitting on the piano so he walked up to her and said , " Honey , I need you to play this song for me while I sing . " As the story goes , Grandma Darlyne got offended because he called her " honey , " ( let 's keep in mind that this is the 1930s ) got up and left Grandpa just standing there . " Well Tootsie - Wootsie - Honey - Bunnie , ( Ha - Ha ) I must journey on . I will be counting the minutes until I see you . For the first time , I put on paper , I love you more than anything in the world . Will you marry me ? Your Sweetheart , Loren . " ( August 26 , 1937 ) April 19 , 2010 Grandpa Loren 's mother , Carrie , was found to have cancer in 1935 and was sent to a Mayo Clinic in Rochester , Minnesota . She was not able to see her youngest son graduate from high school . Instead , she wrote him this touching letter : April 19 , 2010 Grandpa attended Roosevelt High School in Des Moines Iowa from 1931 to 1935 . His favorite subjects in high school were music and drama and was active in his school 's musicals and plays , usually playing the lead role . One year , he and his vocal quartet won for most " excellent " performance in Des Moines high school music contest . Outside of class , Grandpa played football on varsity . My uncle said he remembers Grandpa telling him how he made varsity . He only weighed 138 pounds but his coach put him in at tackle with the 2nd team to go up against the varsity defense . According to Grandpa , he got in and " put the starters to shame . " It didn 't surprise me to find out he was on his school 's speech and debate team . Grandpa , even in his old age , could talk someone to death . He was an excellent speaker and good storyteller , but his problem was he didn 't know when to stop ! From an early age Grandpa had an amazing singing voice , which he began to prove in high school . He won numerous prizes for his vocal solos and one year he even won states . He says in his journal that after high school he wanted to " continue my music education [ and ] excel in vocal music . " … . Which is what Grandpa did . |
Again , a weekend is coming to its end . Again , no real sleeping in for me , as I was woken up by a wet Violet this morning , who 's sticking to her routine of wetting her bed every other night . So I was spending 5am peeling an upset 3 - year old out of her wet clothes , showering and dressing her , taking the sheets off her bed and starting a load of laundry . Right now , the girls are spending an hour of quiet time while I 'm procrastinating starting on dinner . Thus , time for the Sunday Social , today it 's all about movies and stars . We had a heat wave the other day , so no - one felt like either cooking or eating a hot dinner . After a couple of days of salad , I picked up a flat bread and a bunch garlic and whipped up a yummie veggie doener . As a little background : doener kebab is a sandwich made from meat cut of a huge skewer , chopped up lettuce , tomatoes , slaw , cucumber , onions , you name it , topped with a garlic sauce . Turkish immigrants in Berlin invented it back in the 60s to be able to compete with burgers and other on - the - go sandwiches , and it 's AWESOME ! I definitely never feel guilty after eating one , especially since I substitute the meat , which can be quite greasy , for feta cheese . Bake the flatbread , cut it in quarters and cut pockets in them . Fill it with lettuce , cabbage , carrots , tomatoes , cucumbers , onions , and feta cheese . Beat greek yogurt with garlic , add salt and pepper to taste . Drizzle sauce in the flatbread pockets and enjoy the goodness . A major TGIF - shout out to all of you out there ! I 'm so glad it 's weekend , read for some much - needed sleeping in and spending quality time with the family . I don 't know why I 'm so exhausted all the time lately , but I know I 'm not the only one . Trying to get my energy back up by excercising regularly and getting fit again . I cannot believe that it 's been 6 years since I 've been running regularly . Today 's run went great , I went further than last time , seems I 'm getting back in the routine quickly . Only a little over 2 months until the day of the run ! The best Fourth of July I had was . . . probably my first one . I 'm German , so we obviously don 't celebrate Independence Day . the first Fourth of July I celebrated was the year I married the hubby . It was only a few days before we were getting ready to move to our new duty station in Ft . Riley , KS . Since the hubby took the tour bus with the rest of the band from Bamberg to Wuerzburg , I took the last opportunity to spend some time with my best friend , who studied there . We were both excited to witness the first military Fourth of July celebration . And I can tell you , it was awesome . The band wore their dress blues ; they were playing their music , the 50 flags were presented , the canons went off , and it all ended in a great firework . Ever since we 're not in the military any more , we didn 't do much for 4th of July , especially not since we 've been in Germany , but I 'm planning a little something for him and the girls this year . Not quite sure yet if we can do the bbq , because the neighbors had to dig up their yard due to drainage issues . Maybe I just prepare a picknick after work at the playground . But there will be something today . would not be able to provide proper service as chaplains . They would call fallen comrades " worm food " ( Texas Rep . Mike Conaway ) and upset the wounded or dying soldiers ; Louisiana 's Rep . John Fleming went as far as calling the proposal " a mockery " . Again , the same old prejudice . Again , the bias against a group down so often . I , myself , have faced prejudice and alienation by people for my non - belief . On the other hand , I have experienced people coming up to me with an open mind and sincere questions , which I always appreciate . So why is it so scary for many people to wrap their heads around non - believers ? We are just another group in this big old melting pot . There are good people among us , those who strive to be as good as they can , those that only care for themselves , and bad ones , like in any have met others , too . But I have honestly never met someone cruel enough to do what we are accused to by these congressmen . Yes , an Atheist chaplain would probably not tell a soldier about heaven awaiting a soldier on his last path . He will be just as qualified to provide solace and support to family members and comrades . A Hindu or Buddhist chaplain probably do things different than a Christian chaplain , and so would an Atheist one . There are so many ways of providing chaplain services to those needing them , since there are people of many believes in this world . As a question back to the people who claim an Atheist chaplain cannot serve a Christian soldier : if your claim is true , how can a Christian chaplain serve a Muslim , Hindu , Buddhist , or Atheist soldier ? In that case , a chaplain of about every ( non - ) faith has to be attached to a unit , in order to ensure that every solder is provided with proper service . Near impossible , I dare to claim . It is a fact that the number of non - religious people - and soldiers - including those that are not attached to any church or unsure about their believes , is increasing , and there should be chaplains available to serve them . As some of you may know , I have been an Army wife . Back when we were engaged and Richard needed the leave pass from his commander , he sent him to see a chaplain for pre - marital councelling . I was confused that this councelling would not include me , but found out shortly after why . Obviously , the chaplain briefed my husband that he should be assured that he did not have to marry me , even if I was pregnant ( which I was not ) , that it was ok to just " have a little " fun without having to get married right away . And when Richard insisted that he had his heart set on marrying me , he gave him this book . Well , it was in the trash before the weekend was over . I wonder how this Protestant chaplain served my Atheist husband . Thinking about it , I wonder how this particular chaplain would have served any soldier . Maybe this person was just a total failure in his job , but it was a somewhat memorable experience with a Christian chaplain . He did not take the time to listen to Richard , to get to know him and learn about his motivations ; he did not include me at all , even though I was a major part of this impending marriage . And when he had the impression that he couldn 't change Richard 's mind - and heart - he just gave him a book , which could only serve as to light the grill . Point 11 : That 's the one ! The Erlangen Night Run . Right now , I try to make up my mind if I 'll do the 2 laps ( 7 . 8k ) or 3 laps ( 11 . 7k ) run . I 'm tending to the three laps . I have found a buddy for the run , my wonderful coworker , and I started running for the first time since getting pregnant back in 2007 ; that 's been six years ! Breaking my pinky toe last Monday was a little bit of an obstacle , but nothing that would stop me . Today , I resumed my training , and it 's been going a lot better than last time . I plan on running about every other day , toning up and getting the distance up . Can 't believe how time flies ! In between day - to - day life , enjoying our time together , and the one or the other scare , I am happy . I 'm still somewhere in between looking forward to the new decade and laready griefing for my 20s , but then again , it 's just an age . Yesterday , yet another colleague of mine turned 30 , leaving me all by myself in my 20s . Mot for too much longer ! new group of activists is swapping all across Europe : the FEMEN . Women protesting the exploitation of women by writing their message across their bare chests . They protest at political function , they protested at originally were a group of women protesting sex tourism in Ukraine . They originally protested like every other group , with signs , and dressed . But when they felt like no - one was listening , they took their protests to the next level , without signs , and without clothes . They carry their message on their chests , because obviously , that 's where it will be seen . They are students and professionals ; they are single women and married mothers ; they may be your neighbor or the woman you meet at the bank counter . And their voices are finally heard . Their pictures cover the newspapers across the globe ; it has grown from a local group of women fighting for an important cause to an international network . They fight for freedom from oppression and against human trafficking major criticism the FEMEN women receive is that they are exploiting their own bodies in order to fight exploitation of women . Why not just put their message on a t - shirt ? Because no - one will look at a t - shirt . But the world does look on bare chests . personally admire the determination , bravery , and endurance of all FEMEN activists . They are fighting for a cause we all , men and women , should support . They face violence from security and law enforcement personnel , criticism and bias from the media and conservative groups , and even imprisonment . I admit , there was a time in my life where I might have joined them to fight in the front line for all the women who don 't have a voice . Today , I do my part on the home front , trying to change the world starting with our two daughters , with the way our family lives . Promoting a change in women 's position in society from home . I wonder how it can be that the majority of college graduates are female , but their number in management positions are still so low ? How comes that a women still earns less doing the same job as a male colleague in many companies ? And why is it that women have to turn their bodies into protest signs to be taken serious ? What is your opinion on FEMEN ? Richard was off tonight for muc deserved band practice ( yes , I 'm SO looking forward to the concert in two weeks ! ) . The girls and I had good cuddle time on the couch , and bath time was fun , including some chases through the living room and attacks from the tickle monster . I was just taking Missy Violet to bed , when the mood went south . Lily started a near epic tantrum after getting in trouble for destroying a puzzle book she has gotten from a family friend a few weeks earlier ; there was moping , pouting , yelling , screaming , and insults involved , it was not pretty . I started with the ignore strategy , until the door smashing started , which is a big no - no in our house . I went in for a stern talk with her , discussing her jammies and why she had destroyed the book . She confessed that she just felt like being a bad girl , we tried to talk about destroying toys on purpose and what the consequences would be if she did it ; that was whe she lost it again . At a point , it was enough ; I let her know that her behaviour would have consequences and she would not be allowed to play with her inline skates for a while . Lound crying and " bad , bad Mami " followed . After she had calmed down , I tried to talk to her again , explaining to her that we need to work hard to earn money and she was showing a lack of respect if she was destroying things on purpose and taking everything for granted , even demanding more and more all the time . She ended up wanting to be swaddled in her blanket and cuddling her to sleep . Right now , she 's going through quite a difficult stage , which is also poses many challenges to us . I know that she wants to assert herself as an individual , and we try to teach her to voice her opinion . Moping doesn 't help us understanding her , if she wants to contribute to the family decisions , she 'll need to talk . She 's starting to make some little improvements in this matter . Her moods and stubborness still remains a challenge . Usually , once her tantrum is over , she feels bad and needs quite a bit of consoling . She 's a clever girl , a normal 5 - year old , and so much her mommy 's daughter , it 's almost scary . Can 't wait for the tantrum phase to be over for good ! That 's a difficult one , since I mostly take the practical approach to fashion ( i . e . not look at any fashion magazines ) . Maybe Prada ? Or definitely Vivian Westwood , she 's just WOW ! But then again , I might not have the guts to wear her designs . . The closet swap I 've done with my friend ! We both picked cloths from our closets we didn 't wear any more and got a good chunk of new clothes for free . Got my LBD out of it ! ! ! Again , not sure . It happens to me a lot that I see women on the street whose style I love , but it never seems to suit me . One day , I 'll just suck it up and get a personal styling done , I start getting really sick of myself ; - ) weekend , Lily ran away . Again . Well , she didn 't technically " run away " in the troubled teenager way , she took off to do her own thing . Her explanation from last Sunday ? I just wanted to go and visit the building site up where the new house is going to be built " . Said building site is about 1 . 5 miles from our current house , and she would have to cross a busy road a few times . She was playing outside when she announced : I 'm going now . I said " ok " , thinking she would go until the end of the street and then turn back . I circled around to catch her on the other side . The only thing : she wasn 't there . I kept looking , but no Lily anywhere . I was scared she would have crossed the busy road and headed off to the playground . At that point , my neighbor also started to look for her . When she was not at the playground , I started to panic , wondering when it was time to call the cops on a missing 5 - year old , when I saw my neighbor walking towards me with Lily on his hand . I have rarely been this relieved , giving her speeches on not just walking away , staying away from the busy streets , etc . Obviously , he had found her at the traffic light , waiting for the green light to cross the street . Fortunately , before that incidence , there were two episodes of her running away . Once , when she was about 18 months old , she left the apartment without Richard noticing . I was at a neighbor 's house , chatting , when I suddenly him what was up and he said that Lily had taken off . After a panicked search we found her at yet another neighbor 's porch , playing with the toys there . The next time , she left my grandmother 's house just a few days after our move there . I thought she was with Richard , he thought she was with me ( it was a huge house ) . In fact , she had left through the back door , in her jammies and without shoes , walking out onto yet another busy street . A driver stopped and lead her off the street , ringing on our door just to check know where we go ) . And that 's what she does . That 's what she has done a total of 4 times now since she 's been 18 months old . And it scares me . I again . I don 't like locked doors , and we live in a very secure neighborhood , so it 's not necessary . I don 't want the girls to get the feeling being locked in . We want to foster independence , but Lily takes it a step too far . This little 5 - year old has the self - confidence have a Lily any more , which would be beyond sad to all of us . She just held my hand , hugged me and told me it was ok and that she would always come home to me again . I love her for her optimism , but need to find a way to make her realize what kind of dangers are out there without taking this optimism from her . I need to make her realize that she is not a grown - up without smothering her inherent independence ; I have experienced myself that this will only drive her away from us . Any advice that does not involve locked Sometimes , I get nostalgic . I remember the days when CDs were a novelty , when I was excited to own my own cassette recorder , when my Dad 's hi - fi station was a huge , three - piece monster and we 'd sit in the living room flipping through his LP collection . When there were three channels on TV , and we were SO excited when my Dad bought a video recorder and would record Duck Tales for me . The other day , I was reading an early reader 's book with Lily , with a list of all the key words from the story under the corresponding picture . One of them was , of course , a Gameboy . And what does Lily do ? ? Do I feel old ? ? Very much so . I hit me like a train that this is a totally different world . I realized how substantially the world has changed in not even two decades . I remember when my Dad got his first computer and I was SO frustrated with my vocabulary program , but liked to play THIS : And the world today ? I have to admit , I chose to not participate in the latest technologies . I prefer paper books over e - readers , do not own a smart phone , and am just putting an mp3 - player on my wish list for Christmas . Or maybe not ? I prefer not jumping on every band wagon , stay a little bit with the basics , maybe I try subconsciously to channel a little bit of the world of my childhood . . . not . . . who am I kidding ? I cannot imagine a life without the internet any more , so I embrace the new world and all it has to offer to our family and especially to our kids ! And if Lily has an uncle crazy nice enough to let her play with his iPhone , so be it ! Have I ever said that I want to see Cuba ? Not just " oh , I 'd like to vacation there some time " , more like a " I can 't die in peace before having seen Cuba " . The hubby can 't go , obviously , but there 's nothing stopping me . My best friend promised me to go on a trip with me in 10 or so years , once the girls are old enough to be able to do without me for a couple of weeks so I can go with their auntie , enjoy good old cuba libre , walk the crumbling streets of Havanna , trace the steps of Ernest Hemmingway and Ernesto Guevara . I hope they will still have all the old cars there , and the one or the other Castro . And most of all , the musicians . What would Cuba be without its music ? I found the DVD " Buena Vista Social Club " in my company 's library and am currently revelling in the pictures and the music of Cuba , in the portrays of all those different but wonderful musicians who have come together to bring the feeling of Cuba to the world . That is why I dream of Cuba today . The fact that summer has arrived full blast helps , too ! Music is a big part of our lives . My hubby is a musician by heart and profession , our daughters are growing up in a house filled with all different types of music , and Lily is already not only showing a love but also an exceptional talent for music , which makes me very happy . I cannot make music , and I don 't sing well , but I love to dance . Tonight , Cuban music is filling the house , and I 'm dancing ( as much as my * more than likely broken * toe allows ) . I 'm watching the pictures of Havanna and Santiago de Cuba , and listen to the stories of those unlikely but wonderful musicians . Well , I overslept this morning , big time . As I was rushing through a short - cut morning routine , chopped my breakfast so I at least would get something nutricious in my body , I ran my foot against a chair . Cussing most child - friendly I slipped into the first shoes I came across in the hallway ( black heels ) and headed for the bus trying not to throw up from the pain . Well , it went downward from there . The foot swell , I tried taking off the shoes under my desk , but it actually hurt more without the counterpressure in my shoes . I had to skip yoga class , and hobbled around the office for the rest of the days . I could not walk over to the vision store to order new lenses for my sunglasses , since summer has finally arrived full blast . I missed my bus because I could not hobble fast enough , and right now I decide that I 'd rather stay put on the couch instead of walking down two flights of stairs to get myself some yummie ice cream . On the plus side , I have an awesome neighbor , who works at a car shop and will order a new battery for us first thing tomorrow morning . And my wonderful hubby called off his orchestra practice tonight to take care of me and provides my mangled foot with ice packs . I 'm a lucky girl ! I hope for a better Tuesday , and the foot 'd be better like new by Saturday . We have our long - planned and once - postponed office outing hiking 6 or 7 miles to 5 different breweries and one distillery . If the foot still hurts , I will at least have the chance of some pain relieve of the grainy kind . My training for the 10k this summer / fall , however , is on hold right now . But , I 've decided on the run , the Erlangen Starnight Run in September , and I have a running mate . So : foot , HEAL ! ! Have a great week , everyone ! It 's Sunday , once again . We enjoyed the day with a family breakfast for Father 's Day , part II ( the German Father 's Day is earlier in spring ) , I went and picked up a pair of inline skates for Lily , which she tried out immediately . We enjoyed ice cream and an iced coffee with vanilla ice cream for me and dinner on the porch in the evening . Finally , summer is getting established in Germany ! I probably have to say impatient drivers . I admit , we 're not the fastest ones on the highway ( no speed restrictions on German highways ! ) , but we 're definitely faster than the big trucks . I really hate it if we 're in the fast lane to get ahead of a few trucks and some BMW is racing up , flashing lights at us , and almost hits our bumpers . I 'm sorry , important BMW - owner , the road is for everyone ! Bad spelling and grammar . I cannot stand it . If a blogger has terrible spelling , I may not be able to read them , because it really annoys me . If I , as a foreigner , can spell * mostly * correctly , I expect the same from native speakers . 3 . What is your biggest general pet peeve ? Intolerance and a lack of respect for others . I may not agree with others all the time , if that happens , I have two options : either stay mum or discuss the issue in a respectful way . I cannot stand people becoming personal and hurtful . This also applies to the blogging world ! My fear of heights most likely . Seriously , if I 'm on a tower with a 4 . 5 ft . high wall and a 7 - 8 ft . fence on top of it , there 's no way the girls will miraculously fly over it and fall down . Still can 't take it ! I 've seen a few post recently , where people share the search words that were entered to search ( or be randomly referred to ) their blogs . I especially loved the post Lisa at Two Martinis wrote about it . You should check it out , it 's hilarious . I bet most people never think about weirdos ending up on their blog after writing about some strange / embarrassing / NSFW topic . Actually , most of the other search words on the list hover around this one . I love it , and it shows that there are more nerds like us around . It refers to a " Foto Friday " post I did back in 2010 . A friend 's husband had designed this cake full of references about the two of them for her 50th birthday . It 's probably the most awesomest cake I have ever seen in my life ( and it tastet extremely good as well ) . 3 . comedy and tragedy It actually surprised me that still 7 ( ! ! ) people were referred to my humble blog via those key words . I have written a post on the philosophic equation of comedy = tragedy + time in April of this year , and would have never thought that anyone would ever end up here by searching those fairly common words . It 's Friday ! ! ! Oh , and I tell you , I so need it . Tomorrow , we will go shopping for flower girl dresses for the girls with a wonderful bride - to - be and her mom . I 'm so looking forward to a great day of shopping with all girls . Tonight , I 'm linking up with Janine and Kate for Finish The Sentence Friday . But there are days when it 's rainy outside , they 're feeling yucky , and just need some extra cuddles to get started in their days . On those days , I wish that work could be optional , that I could work at night after they have gone to bed , or during their naps . Unfortunately , my work requires for me to be at the office , so I keep trotting out every morning , rain or shine , and leave it up to Daddy to cuddle his girls . But the nights are all mine ! Last week , Lily and Violet were invited for a friend 's birthday party at a local playground . Everyone had a lot of fun running around , playing , and enjoying the wonderful spread and ice cream that was delivered from the most famous local ice cream parlor . Towards the end of the party , one of the dads there found a tiny little caterpillar . I expected the girls to be grossed out , but they were watching it so intently . Lily was actually so excited about it that she decided to take it home in a paper cup , laced with some fresh leaves . She planned to feed it and watch it cocoon and eventually turn into a beautiful butterfly . She was so inconsolable about it , worrying for her caterpillar being trampled on the street by someone . I promised her that someone surely would find it , pick it up and place it in one of the many flower boxes that cover the town . I told be quite happy there , and soon would turn into a beautiful butterfly . It made her feel better , thinking about the caterpillar going on to become a butterfly ; I , however , felt a little guilty about lying to her . I am not at all sure that someone would put it in a flower box . Most likely it will be trampled or die on the street , that we don 't want to lie to our kids . On some matters , like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny , we 'll leave it up to them to believe whatever they want . Yes , I admit , we do use Santa as some sort of pressure keeping them but still loves to put out cookies and milk for Santa . But in general , we refuse to lie to them . They know about the world , they know about life and death . They know where babies come from , as far as they have asked . We don 't believe in making them believe How do you raise your kids in this world , which is doubtless cruel at times ? Do you agree with white lies or prefer the truth at all times ? I am confused about it sometimes , Today , we met with our building engineer , Mr . O . again . We signed off the final details on the house ( who would have thought that the way the doors open was something worth discussing . . . ) . We almost cannot believe it , but right now , there 's nothing really for us to do . Mr . O . will stop by the property to measure it out . The soil analysis is ordered . At some point , we will have to put in the preliminary applications for water , electricity , and gas utilities , and we still need to provide the insurance for the house , and we 're set to start ! Mr . O . says it may be as early as the first or second week of July . Yes , we 're getting closer to our house one little mouse step at a time , and there have been a few during the last few weeks ! First of all I want to express my gratitude to all of you wonderful people out there . Your support , acceptance , and kind word as response to my post on being an Atheist meant the world to me . I was at a point when I felt like an outcast for something I really don 't have much control over . I have read many testimonies of people who were non - believers or casual church - goers but at some point found a deeper meaning in the bible and found solace in their faith . For me , it was the other way around . I have tried for a long time to believe , to be a good Christian . I have read the bible cover to cover , I have attended bible retreats , worship and bible studies . I remember the last time a former boyfriend of mine prayed with me . I really wanted to believe , but eventually accepted and embraced being a non - believer . I don 't have it in my heart to believe in a god , which does not make me a bad person , since I definitely have a conscience and high ethical and moral standards . Well , at the moment of death , all the body functions shut down . It may be the heart stopping to beat due to a heart attack , which leads to the brain not being supplied with oxygen and dying and all the other organs following suit . We all know the different types a body can die , and that is what I truly think happens . I don 't believe in an afterlife per se . I would like to believe in re - birth , but don 't really do . I , however truly believe in a life after death in the hearts and memories of our loved ones . In the traces that our actions and words have left on this physical world . I had a wonderful coworker a few years back . She and my other coworkers were my support network during my first pregnancy , as my mom was half a world away . We actually were almost like family . Just before Thanksgiving back in 2007 they found out that her husband , who was in his early 40s , had cancer , which soon turned out to be terminal . He put up an amazing fight but lost it on Easter Sunday of 2008 . He was a wonderful man , in so many ways . He was the first dead body I had ever seen in my life , and it wasn 't the man I had known any more . What I remember with so much fondness was the moments I spent with my coworker , just sharing memories about him . I had not known him for a long time , but he was just such an original . A year or so ago I chatted with my former coworker , and I asked her if she remembered the lunch we had at work where he showed up in shorts , white tennis socks , and flip - flops ; she scolded him for that , and it was so hilarious . I have to smile whenever I have to think about it ; she said that she had forgotten about that , but yes , it was hilarious . To me , these are the moments when our loved ones are among us again . They live in our hearts and are right there with us if we remember them . Maybe this legacy is what some religions call the soul , or karma . Some people should not be remembered , and if we think about them , there are no positive thoughts , and other people just bring to us happiness as they did in life . I hope that when I am gone , I will be among the latter . This is one reason why I try my best to live a good life . I want to leave this world to my children a better place . And if I have just changed the world to the better for one single person , it was all worth it . Adult ABCs The awesome Melissa at Home on Deranged has tagged me in this fun game . And that is just what I need after having to stomach that not only Doctor Who is on break but also season 3 of Game of Thrones ended without a certain wedding ( not giving more details , don 't want to spoil it for people who have not yet read the books ) . Here we go with the adult version of our favorite ABC song . . . A . Attached or Single ? Very much attached . And he 's not getting rid of me . . ( you should read Melissa 's answer to that one , I loved it ! ! ) B . Best Friend ? Of course the hubby , but he doesn 't really count in that because he 's so much more . So there 's my best friend since 8th grade , who is so awesome ( or crazy / insane / naive , you choose one ) to agree to take care of all of our kids should something happen to us . It puts some mind to ease ! ! C . Cake or pie ? Both ! I have a serious sweet tooth , as long as I 'm not pregnant in my first trimester , then I cannot stand either . And now , I crave apple pie ! D . Day of choice ? Saturday . Everything 's possible on a Saturday . Sleeping in , watching a movie with the girls , going shopping . I just love Saturdays ! H . Hometown ? My hometown of choice is Erlangen . I technically live in a suburb of Erlangen , because it 's affordable and we really love this little town ! The town I was born in . . I hate that place ! N . Number of brothers / sisters ? That 's a difficult question . Technically , I have a sister , but I don 't call her that any more ( long story ) ; but I have learned over the years that blood is not always thicker than water and have an amazing " adopted " family . Q . Quotes ? Mami , is Jesus a zombie ? ? ? ( Lily this year around Easter . A longer conversation on the different types of undead according to the D & D universe ensued . The result ? Jesus is a lich ) U . Unknown fact about me ? I 'm kind of scared of needles . Which makes it more difficult having two girls watching me getting a tetanus shot . Wanted to whine but couldn 't . . As a kid , however , I could , and did bolt on occasion . V . Vegetable ? It 's asparagus season in Germany right now ! ! W . Worst habit ? I just learned that I grind my teeth , not this loud , annoying grinding but the subconscious clenching my teeth . My dentist says that I am way too young for my teeth . I 've been watching myself and try to stop it . It 's annoying . I was at a point in our lives where everything was possible and nothing guaranteed any more . Against all expectations ( least of all my own ) we were about to move back to my native Germany ; we were about to have a second baby , which has been a huge surprise a few months earlier as well . Our lives had definitely taken some unexpected turns , thus the name . Meeting people I would have probably never met in real life . And having a space where I can talk about things that I may not feel so comfortable sharing with people in my real life . So many more opinions form different people . Facebook . I don 't have time for Twitter , since I work all day and refuse to own a smart phone . I also only have a personal FB page , that I check once a day most days . Don 't have time for a FB page for my blog . Neil Gaiman , hands down ! I am so in love with his writing , and believe I would squeal and jump up and down for at least an hour should I find out that he did . * I 'm not delusional , he would never read my blog , he 's a busy man * Right now ? I am searching for at least 7 guest bloggers for the first week of August : - ) If you are interested , email me or respond in the comments ! Yes , people , it is true ! Summer is coming . . even to Germany . Mostly , the flood is receding in the Eastern and Souhern Germany , we have not had any rain since Sunday night , and even summer temperatures . I got to wear a skirt to work today and the girls spent their afternoon at the play ground , darn , I missed it ! ! So , what are we going to do this summer ? I already announced that I was able to rent a vacation rental sponsored by my company in the Bavarian Forest and I will be gone for a week . I so can 't wait to have a change of scenery , I need it ! I 'm looking forward on hiking , swimming in the natural lakes , watching the kids playing at the playground trail , and going down the the summer toboggan slide . But before the summer fun starts , I 'd like to take the opportunity to say " Happy Birthday " to my mom ! I know , we don 't always see eye to eye , but I know that I wouldn 't be where I am today without you ! I love you , Mom ! I 've thought about this post for well over a week . I had a quite disappointing and painful experience with someone , who basically told me that I was a bad person because I didn 't believe in the Christian god . First I just brushed it off , but soon I noticed that I actually did hurt . Along the way , I have noticed that there is still a huge lack of knowledge of what it means to be an Atheist in the general population . At a PTA meeting at Lily 's school , a mom approached me , asking if we really didn 't believe in anything . I loved that she was open - minded and actually asked me this question without prejudice . So I thought that I would compile a little list of what being an Atheist means to me : No , I do not believe in any gods or supernatural beings . I trust in science , and I deeply believe in love and that there is goodness in most people . I believe in family bonds ; I believe that life is this crazy thing of lucky and not - so - lucky events , but don 't think that they are controlled by anyone . Something that almost got me off my chair at said PTA meeting was Lily 's teacher saying that it 's necessary to teach " Christian values " to the children . But what are those values , I asked . Doing good , I was told ; sharing , taking others ' feelings into consideration , not hurting each other on purpose , valueing each other . Well , it happens that those are our values , too . And those of Buddhists , and Muslims , and Sikhs , and most religions I know of , which would make them ethical values , necessary to create a functional society . " Christian values " like being god - fearing , doing good in god 's name , etc . should be a personal issue , not something that 's being taught in school . Something I might miss about not being part of a church is the socializing . In Washington , we had a wonderful parent - group of all secular parents . And no , we were not sitting together during our monthly Sunday brunch , talking religion into the dirt . Actually , religion hardly ever came up ; we mostly watched out kids play , enjoyed the food and company of other parents , without having religion to be an issue . However , we do not limit our circle of friends to other Atheists ; actually , we have always had Christians among our close friends . Most of the time , religion is not an issue ; we respect our friends saying grace before a meal , even at our house , since we want them to be comfortable and feel at home . But we can also have respectful religious debates with them , which is wonderful because each side respects the other 's standpoint . We are raising our daughters in a secular environment , but planned on introducing them to the concept of religion once they were of a certain age . Unfortunately , Lily 's kindergarten teacher has decided that three was the appropriate age to introduce Christianity to her . We 've had a few difficult conversations , trying to explain to her in manner fitting for her age he concept , and I think we 've done alright . We have explained to her what a god is , and also had a long conversation about Jesus of Nazareth . One day , we will talk to both of the girls about religion more extensively ; our goal is that one day they will be able to make a decision on the matter from their own hearts , and we will support them in their decision . This one has been a tough one for us , not only because of religion but also because we 're a culturally blended family . Before we had kids , it didn 't really matter to us , but once Lily arrived we thought about how to raise her being aware of both traditions . As of the origin of holidays , we are relating to the old pagan traditions . During the Yule celebration ( Christmas ) , we are focussing on family , being able to be together , appreciating the warmth of our homes in the darkness of the world and finally celebrate the re - birth of light , the winter solstice ( which used to be December 25 according to the old Julian calender ) . Easter , we celebrate spring , the awakening of the nature after winter and the cute animal babies . The girls love it so far . Yes , they get to make their wish lists for Santa , which to us is simply a cute fairy tale ; I 'm pretty sure that even at their young age they do not totally believe in Santa , but close enough to get them in line with threats of no presents during the time before the holidays . I don 't agree with them in most respects ; well , the only thing we do agree on is that there are no gods . Besides that , I think they do a great disservice to all the Atheists out there , just as fanatics and radicals from every corner make whatever they stand for look bad . I don 't agree with the opinion that Christians or other religious can never do good just for the sake of doing good , but always act with their salvation in the back of their minds . That would mean that all religious people are not good but only act because of fear of damnation . Even though at the end of the day , it doesn 't matter if good was done just because or with an ulterior motif , but I do think that every person , religious or not , can do both good or evil just because . All in all , I consider myself pretty normal . I do not define myself as being an Atheist , there are way more things to bond over with people than religion . I am hurt if people claim I am a bad person , because I 'm not . I am far from perfect , but I try to live my life accepting people as they are and respecting them for who they are . And that is all I ask for in return . I don 't ask to agree with me or to tell me I 'm right . I know my truth in my heart , as others know theirs . All I want is for my family and me to be happy , and this is what most people are striving for . In early May , we went to the routin check - ups with both of the girls . They were tested for their physical , mental , and emotional development , and I 'm glad to say that both are doing so well . Violet has outgrown her timidity well enough and Lily has caught up speechwise to the level she should be in German , impresses with her English , and is overall a very impressing leftie . Let me be honest : yes , I am aware that both my girls have very different body types . Lily has already been showing signs of becoming curvy later in life as a toddler , while Violet has always been tall and rail - thin . To be honest , I 've always seen her marginally underweight ( to the point where my mom wants to know what she eats ! ) , but according to this calculator , she 's somewhere in the middle range . Ok , dear doctors who drew up this chart : we are giving our kids healthy food to eat , little processed foods , as much whole grains as possible , fruit , vegetables , and yes , most days a treat after dinner , which is usually a small piece of chocolate , an individual sleeve of gummi - bears , and in summer orange juice popsicles . And both of our kids are active . If the weather is nice they spend the evenings outside until it 's time for bed ; we sing and dance , play catch around the coffee table , and sometimes ( if Daddy is out for band practice ) jump on the bed . I would like to know what exactly makes you believe that our daughter is " marginally overweight " ? Do you have an idea what you can possibly do to a young girl 's emotional state of mind with a completely unfounded opinion like that ( this chart goes to the age of 12 , and many 10 or 12 - year olds may be able to figure their score out themselves ) ? What a I - as a " good parent " supposed to be doing with the information you kindly provided ? Cut her portions ? Make her work out ? Cut her dessert ? And how am I going to explain to her that her sister is still getting her treat while she doesn 't ? Am I telling her : " oh , sweetie , that 's the thing , you 're just a tad bit on the heavy side , so we need to fix that until you can have dessert again ! " She will remember it , and make it a part of herself . She 'll watch other girls her age or older , or younger , and want to be like them even though there is a good chance she 'll never look that way due to body shape and genes . She will start hating her body and put all her energy into it to conquer it ; or she will give up and start eating up her frustration . Why do I know ? Because I 've been there . I have lost years of my life watching every single calory that entered my body . I ate and puked . I became tired , my skin dried out , I became weak , but not able to break the circle . Whenever I ate , I felt guilty , I felt like betraying the person I could be , until I realized that I can either accept the person I am and embrace her , or keep fighting her for as long as I can and still lose this war . The experience that helped me win the battle in the end was getting pregnant . I knew that I wanted a healthy baby and I knew that only a healthy me could ensure that ; and once I held this beautiful little girl in my arms , I promised her to raise her a strong woman who will love who she is and enjoy every minute of her life . I know it won 't be easy , but I 'll do my best to fulfill this promise to both our daughters . So what am I going to do now ? Nothing . I will not change her eating habits , which are fine . I will not cut the treats from her diet and punish her for inheriting my genes . I will not chase her around more , because she is already a healthy , active , and beautiful little girl . Her pediatrician is happy with her , her speech therapist is happy with her , and her physical therapist is happy with her , and most of all , I am happy to have such a remarkable girl be my daughter ! Nope , no subscriptions . I watch the news most nights on TV ( old - school , I know ) and check out yahoo news before checking my mail at night . Besides that , just my company 's intranet news ; - ) By far , Rock im Park in 2003 . I had just graduated from high school and treated myself to this 3 - day rock music festival . It was awesome , especially Reamonn at the Alternative Stage . But nothing could beat Marilyn Manson and Metallica , just WOW ! I know I 'm late with my new dish for May . . By about a day . I promise I actually made this in May , but never came around to share the recipe . And I forgot to take a picture before dishing it out as well , but that proves ( kind of ) that the crowd actually ate it : Melt butter in a sauce pan ; when it starts to foam sprinkle in the flour and stir . Pour in the milk and stir until it thickens . Season well with salt and pepper . Mix asparagus , potatoes , and carrots in a casserole dish , pour sauce over the veggies and sprinkle with cheese . Bake at 350 ° F until cheese is starting to brown and potatoes are done . |
Thanksgiving went off very well . I was in such a hurry to get all the food out and served while it was hot that I didn 't take any photos ( sorry , Kymber ) . Most of the dishes were a success , though I was not fond of the green beans . Everyone else liked them , though . I also think I put too many cranberries in the stuffing , but again , everyone else liked it . I told Rick not to bother making my cake on Thanksgiving , and to wait until Friday , since the few days leading up to Turkey Day were so hectic . My pumpkin pie was delicious , if I do say so myself , and it was gone the next day . Friday morning I wound up taking Rick to the emergency room . He has a tick bite that is horribly red and has a hard bump under his skin . Since he has had a hole in his heart fixed , has two knee replacements , and an auto immune deficiency ( Celiac Disease ) he has to be very very careful about infection . They did some blood work to test for Lyme disease , which we should hear about by Weds . They put him on some antibiotics that they give to Lyme disease patients , just in case . He is also taking a probiotic pill to help combat any stomach upset . Thankfully , we were not there very long . The Girls have pretty much stopped laying , at least for now . The sun does not get above our tall red pine trees in the back anymore , and the shadows are longer . The change in weather is also a factor , I think . In the last week they have only laid 6 eggs . The last three days they haven 't laid any . We have some nice hay in their coop , and we keep the main door closed now because it 's chilly . I hated to buy eggs at the supermarket last week . : ( It 's always such a great feeling to be able to walk by something because we can make it or have an animal who can create it . Rick finally cleaned up his half of the bedroom yesterday . Now I can walk on his side of the bed . I got sick of the closet in the bathroom , and organized it . We 'll see how long it lasts . I am in the mode of tying loose ends - photos that should 've been rehung long ago , Rick 's flags , etc . He has a shadow box that we bought last year for his military ribbons , etc . He doesn 't have all of them . Somewhere in between the sands of time and moving he lost many of his military things ( this was before I met him ) . We have a magazine where what he earned can be ordered , so I told him to circle whatever ribbons / awards he should have , and I will order them . So far I am enjoying my Kindle Fire . It 's great ! ! Yesterday I ordered a case for it and some screen protectors . That 's the downside to touch screen - finger prints ! ! That 's the most that anyone could ask , isn 't it ? I am mindful that there are many right now who are not so fortunate . Yesterday we donated three turkeys and food baskets to local families who are having a real tough time . We have been there before , and it 's not fun . We are keeping those folks and many more like them in our thoughts today , as well as our military who are far from home . Bless them all ! Tonight Rick and Zach are going to make me a birthday cake . This year , my birthday happens to fall on Thanksgiving . Great way to begin my 44th year . . . . . . the Fierce and Forty decade continues ! ! ! ! 4 ) Cover the bowl , and put in the microwave on high for about 20 minutes or so . The rind should come off fairly easily . I peeled it off , or you can use a fork to scrape the flesh away from the rind . Cut the pieces up so they will fit into a food processor . It took me about an hour and half to nuke , peel , and puree all the pumpkin pieces I had . As each batch was pureeing , I would weigh out 15 oz batches , since 15 oz is the standard pumpkin pie can size . In all , I made 5 batches , each in their own freezer bag , which I immediately put in the freezer for future use . Right now the Menfolk are in the middle of the turkey fest . Zach did the dirty deed ( " Mumma , you are going to have to use Oxyclean on my clothes , I hit the jugular . " ) Two are hanging out back , and Rick is plucking one in the garage . I braved the masses and went grocery shopping today , thankfully I went a bit earlier than normal so it wasn 't so bad . I got a few small things ready today - cooked my cranberries for the stuffing ( actually dressing , but we always call it stuffing ) , made my cream cheese / olive filling for celery sticks , and made my venison sausage . This was my first attempt at venison sausage , and I must say it came out AWESOME . It 's very easy . I got the recipe from Cooks . com . Put venison and pork in a large bowl . Mix the spices together and pour sprinkle over meat . Using your hands , work the meat and spices together until thoroughly combined . Shape into roll , wrap in plastic or foil , and chill overnight in the fridge . Slice and fry as regular sausage . The only thing I did not do was make the meat into a roll . I cooked some up right away and brought it outside so the Menfolk and The Boy could try it , and they all loved it . Our neighbor , Kelly , was chatting with Brother B , and he loved it as well . He told me to give his wife the recipe . I put the pound of sausage I need for the stuffing in the freezer in a separate freezer bag , and froze the rest together . I wasn 't sure how long fresh venison lasts in the fridge , since it had been in our fridge since Saturday . I figured an overnight freeze wouldn 't hurt , and tomorrow I will cook up what I need for the stuffing so it will be all set for Thanksgiving . This past weekend was mighty busy , as we planned on having Brody up to hunt , then harvest the turkey that we had sold . Then we got the call about the deer , so that was added to the mix . Saturday - out early hunting , then home to harvest the deer . Some photos of the skinning : After the deer had been skinned , then the real processing began . We have a food vacuum sealer and that keeps the meat nice and fresh . Thankfully , most of the meat was good and not ruined from the accident . The whole process of skinning , butchering , and processing took about four hours or so . We have medallions , roasts , and steaks . I have meat in the fridge that I am going to make into burger today . The Men were exhausted by Saturday night . Sunday they harvested the turkey that we sold . We let Nephew Brody harvest the turkey , since it 's not something he normally does . Zach , who is our turkey harvester , was fine with it because he knows that he will be helping with the rest this week ( he has the whole week off from school ) . We don 't have any fancy scales , so our method of weighing turkeys is to stand on a regular scale , take note of the persons weight , then put the person on the scale with the turkey . The difference in weight is the weight of the turkey . The one we sold was 19 lbs and a Tom . We did sell it for incredibly cheap , on par with frozen at the supermarket . ( a mere . 75 cents per lb ) We had not been keeping track of feed costs , so we really had nothing to gauge it on . Selling one was last minute decision . Our customer , Stephanie , told me she would like to get one from us next year , and I told her that the price would be much more . She seemed pretty pleased at any rate , which was a good thing . The rest of the turkeys will be taken care of over the next couple of days . We have one for our neighbor , one for Rick 's Dad , one for Brother Dale , one that we are trading for some pig meat , one for us , and three that we are donating with food baskets . We only sold the one . No money making venture this year , which is fine . Next year , we plan on keeping track of costs , buying more and selling some at what the price should be . I don 't like the thought of charging people I know , though . It 's just who I am . There won 't be much hunting up until Thanksgiving Day . Everyone is going to be busy . Today : Menfolk - process Kelly 's deer Me : make fresh pumpkin puree from two Sugar Pumpkins ; finish shopping list and food basket list . Make venison burger . Begin cleaning house . Tuesday : Menfolk / Zach : some hunting in the AM . Begin turkey processing . Shop for food basket items . Me : Shop for week and Thanksgiving . Make venison sausage . Zach : Make up the food baskets Very early this AM at 3 : 10 ( or is it very late at night ? ? ) I woke to the sound of our phone ringing . Lately , we have been receiving " Private Caller " calls around 3 : 00 AM , which have been nothing but beeping noises , much to our annoyance . Usually , when a phone rings in the dead of night ( or is it dead of morning ? ? ) one assumes it 's not good news - something terrible has usually happened , which is why these annoying beeping calls are even more frustrating . I heard Rick answer it , and heard him say , " Rt 16 ? Where ? " When I heard this , I knew it wasn 't bad news . None of our loved ones would be out and about up here , since none of them live near us . Especially that time of night ( or is it morning ? ? ? ) A deer had been hit , and we are on a call list for any deer or moose . We have friends in the Middleton Police Dept who have let it be known to other Police Depts in the local area that they can call us any time of the day ( or night ) when they get a call about dead deer or moose , so we are on their call lists . We don 't get them often , but we have a couple of times . At first , when Rick and I were first married and he got the same kind of call , I thought it was rather . . . well . . . weird getting roadkill . I won 't lie . The thought of getting something from the side of the road conjured up images of hillbillies scrounging for food , scraping up possums with a shovel ( which I actually saw many years later on " My Big Redneck Wedding " - YUCK ! ) We weren 't hillbillies , and we weren 't starving . I mentioned this to Rick , and he replied that we weren 't getting an animal that had been there for days . It was fresh , just like he had shot it . Better to get it , and at least not have it 's death be in vain , than to just have it rot by the side of the road . Well , that made sense . When I saw the deer , it looked just like it would 've looked if it had been hunted . It wasn 't gross , and it was fresh . It took a bit , but I got over that mentality . It 's funny that this happened this morning ( or is it last night ? ? ) because Nephew Brody is coming up after school to spend the night and go hunting with Rick , Brother B , and Zach tomorrow . After Brody gets here , then the deer cutting process will begin . We will vacuum seal the portions . I will actually get to try out my my meat grinder on My Precious ( aka the Cuisinart ) , as well as my sausage maker . They have been lying in their virginal state in a drawer since I got them last year . We are fortunate that they The Menfolk can process and cut up their own deer , and we don 't have to bring it to a butcher . I 'm not sure if they will cure the pelt or not ( another thing that they know how to do ) . Yesterday did not begin well . I woke up and the whole house smelled like cat pee . I knew that the litter box needed to be changed , but I couldn 't remember if Rick had bought litter on Tuesday . There wasn 't any in the house . If he had , no one had changed the box . Rick was snoozing in the living room , but woke when I came in . My first words were , " Phew ! The house stinks from the litter box ! " To which my not yet awake hubby replied , " Well , why didn 't you change it yesterday ? " Of course , my mind ( which wasn 't awake it 's self yet ) immediately goes on the defensive and my imaginary hackles go up . " Do we have litter ? Where is it ? " " It 's on the porch , " he replies . " Fine , " I grumble . Now I am completely annoyed . Why didn 't he just change the damn litter yesterday ? What am I , a mind reader ? I look out on the porch , and it 's the 35 lb container , which yes , I can lift , but it 's still heavy and awkward . So of course , I make a great show of carrying this monstrosity into the house , and I drop it rather loudly on the bathroom floor . " I 'll get it , " Rick calls , just as annoyed . " Oh , no , it 's apparently my job , " I said , snidely . And I so I proceeded to change the litter . I was completely annoyed with Rick for a while afterwards , and he he apologized later . I guess he felt I was blaming him , but I wasn 't , I was just commented on what I smelled . I guess it wasn 't the best thing to come out of my mouth first thing in the morning . Even we can get snotty with each other once in a while , though it doesn 't happen very often . Especially before our first cup of coffee ! Rick and Brother B went to their Dad 's yesterday , then went to do some Christmas shopping in Newington , then went grocery shopping . They were gone quite awhile , which I knew they would be , but they didn 't get back until almost 3 : 00 , having left before 9 : 00 . After they unloaded the groceries , Rick told me to put down my crocheting , close my eyes , and hold out my hands . He had Zach put something in my hands , which , I discovered was a Kindle $ 50 gift card . Rick then gave me something wrapped in his coat . " This is an early birthday present , because if you don 't like it , it would have to be returned the weekend after Thanksgiving , and since your birthday is on Thanksgiving , it wouldn 't give you much time to use it and decide . " I took it out of the coat wrapper , and this is what it was : I had discussed e - readers with Rick on several occasions , and whether or not I would like one . I love reading , always have . I am not as voracious of a reader as I used to be , since life gets in the way , but I still love books . There is nothing like curling up with a good book . E readers would certainly save on storage space , and since we only have so much space , I don 't have room for a lot of books . However , I was not sure if I would like the " feel " of an e - reader . Rick had been thinking about buying one for me for a while , and stopped into Barnes and Noble to check them out . He picked the day that the Kindle Fire came out , ( which he had no clue about ) so there was a line at the bookstore when they showed up . Rick liked the look of the Fire , and it 's capability ( music , books , magazines , web browsing ) and he liked the touch screen as opposed to the older models . Barnes and Noble had just received the shipment , and they said they were the first store to get them in the state . It came with a free $ 50 card , which is cool . The only thing was , they were told that we could download books through a USB cord connected to the computer , which we can 't . We need WI FI . So they are now down at Staples , getting a WI FI router . In all honesty , we needed one , anyway . Our old computer is in Zach 's room , and since we now have high speed and no longer have dial up , we would need a router for him to use his computer . We can also now use Rick 's old lap top . One thing that was very exciting was that on Friday our local TV station , WMUR out of Manchester , had a special episode honoring our veterans on their " Chronicle " show . ( It 's a show all about NH , events , people , history , etc ) . I entered a photo , and out of the 1 , 300 + photos they received , one of the ones they chose to air was mine : Those who have been following me for a while may recognize this photo . It 's one of my favorites . This was taken when Rick came home for good . At this point , Rick had been gone a year , and had only been able to come home twice , once in August 2005 , and in Dec 2005 . This photo was taken in April 2006 . Zach insisted on wearing his little desert camo uniform to honor his Dad . I tried to link the Chronicle episode , but for some reason , it wouldn 't work . If anyone is so inclined to check it out , it 's at WMUR . com , under " Chronicle " . It 's the Veterans Day Tribute . Rick and Zach are at the 4 : 04 mark in the second part . The whole episode was nothing but photos . . . it was very moving , and of course , I cried . I am still under the weather ( going on two weeks , now ) . My main compliant is a cough , heavy chest , and my head feels fuzzy . Saturday , I had no temp , yesterday it was 99 . 6 , today it 's back to normal , go figure ! At any rate , it makes me not feel like doing much of anything , and this time of year , it 's not a good thing . I have soap to make for gifts , crocheting to do , and laundry soap to make . And I don 't feel like doing any of them , but I still try . Yesterday I did cut up my soap that I made last month , did the dishes , and swept . I did do some crocheting , and while I crocheted I watched " The Tudors " marathon on BBC America . Nothing like a little sex and court intrigue when one is not up to snuff ! The Menfolk are out on the mountain , still not having any luck at getting deer . It 's amazing , considering the time and effort they put into scouting , etc . The deer are out there , but any time they see one , the trees are too dense to get a good shot off . I 'm just glad to see that Rick enjoys the woods again . It took a long while before he could do anything but check to see where snipers might be hiding , and his anxiety would make it impossible for him to enjoy himself . Same with fishing . He would come home frustrated and angry that he could no longer enjoy what he loves to do the most . Now , he still gets some anxiety , but he has the tools to talk himself out of it so he is aware that he is not in danger , and no insurgents are hiding to try and take him out . It took a few years , though . Our kitchen has not moved forward because of hunting season and because I haven 't been up to snuff to keep bugging Rick : ) I need to make a decision on appliances , and I haven 't been up to deciding . Sigh . As for my family , I have had many who have served : My Dad ( Army , New Guinea , WWII ) , my brother Valmore ( Army , Vietnam ) , my brother in law , Tom ( Air Force , Vietnam ) , my brother Dennis ( Sea Bees , Gulf War ) , my niece Tara ( Air Force , OIF ) , and her hubby Scott ( Air Force , OIF ) , my Uncle Bobby ( Army , Korea ) , and my Uncle Valmore ( Army , WW II - killed in Hawaii by someone in his tent cleaning his rifle ) . Brother B was in the Army National Guard . My father in law , Dick , was in the Coast Guard during the Bay of Pigs . Rick 's uncle was a POW in Vietnam . While my family has had many serve , Rick 's family has a long line of military service . His family has been here in the US since the 1620 's . They came over from England with the wave of Puritans fleeing for their religious freedom . In fact , he has family members that arrived in Plymouth , MA in the boat after the Mayflower , which was called the Anne . He has had family members who fought in every war since the French and Indian Wars . Some died in war , one at Valley Forge , and a great great grandfather who died in the Civil war at Fredricksburg and is buried in Virginia . When I met Rick , he was already a veteran . He had been in Airborne in the 1980 's , stationed in Italy and had been in many " quick " combat missions ( which of course , he can 't tell me about ) . I refer to them as " Reagan 's Secret Little Wars . " He did serve in Nicaragua , which is not a place he remembers with great fondness . Rick was sent to Ramadi , which at the time was the worst place in Iraq . It is located in the Sunni Triangle , or , " The Triangle of Death . " It is on a main highway from Syria , where many of the insurgents came from . To quote one solider , " In 2004 - 2005 , Ramadi was the shit . " Reporters were rarely allowed into the city because it was so dangerous . Rick became a Scout , which meant he could sneak around gathering intel , or kick in doors and take prisoners . He also called in air support , and was a " long distance problem solver . " They were attacked daily , several times a day . He saw combat each day . He took lives . He also helped train the Iraqis , which on more than one occasion , fled when they were attacked , leaving Rick by himself . When they went on patrol in town , he was either on point or in the rear . He did not have the luxury of staying at Forward Operating Base ( FOB ) . He stayed in Outposts in outside of town . They were wooden shacks , no shower , etc . There were those who were at the base who never left it . They were referred to as FOBBITS by those who actually engaged in combat , and it was not a compliment . When there would be hot water at the FOB , it would be gone by the time Rick and his fellow Scouts went to shower , because the officers used it all ( who never left the base ) . Of course , that is where our struggle as a family really began - living with PTSD and TBI and dealing with it . It has made us stronger , but it took a toll on our marriage for a few years . His emotional walls were up so high , I could tell as soon as I held him for the first time since he was wounded that he wasn 't the same . I could feel it . It took a few years for those walls to come down , thanks to medication and therapy ( which he still does ) and he is more like his old self . Our connection finally returned three years ago , and it still took a while to get back to where we were even then . So , while this day is about Veterans and their sacrifices , I want to give a shout out to the families of veterans as well . They cried tears of sorrow , tears of joy , and tears of frustration . There are some whose loved ones are no longer here , and there are those who lost their loved ones due to mental issues and who have seen their marriages crumble . There are those who are caregivers to the physically and mentally disabled , and there are those who are blessed with no issues . Whatever their circumstances , they also deserve to be thought of today . A couple years ago , we went to Malone , NY to visit the boyhood home of Almanzo Wilder ( Laura Ingalls Wilder 's hubby ) . Our tour group consisted of the three of us and a couple from Ontario . The gentleman was a retired member of the Canadian Air Force . Rick thanked him for his service to his country and shook his hand . The gentleman looked taken aback at first , thanked Rick as well , then commented , " It took me 19 years and to have to come to the US before anyone ever thanked me . " So . . . thank you . Thank you to our wonderful Canadian friends up North ( hello , Kymber ) , thank you to all those countries who have sacrificed for the greater good and who have supported the US with your blood , sweat , and tears throughout our history , and of course , thank you to My Fellow Americans . You continue to keep us free . I am humbled and grateful . The Menfolk had no luck yesterday , though Brother B did get a shot off at one . However , there were some trees in the way , so the deer was unharmed . They came back to the house a couple of times , and each time I heard them come in the door , I would call out , " Where 's my deer ? " " Out in the woods , " they would reply . So far , NH has had one hunter killed , and another wounded . We don 't have many hunting accidents here in NH , thankfully . What causes these accidents are hunters who shoot at movement . They hear something , get a glimpse of what they think is a deer and they shoot . They don 't make sure that it IS a deer . Today it 's foggy and there is a light mist coming down . It is suppose to rain this afternoon , so no hunting today . Rick has had a small fever for a couple of days , which he thanks me for ( you 're welcome , honey ! ) . Rick will hunt even if he isn 't feeling well . . . he tries to plod right through any illness . I , on the other hand , am down for the count when I am not up to snuff . I have a chest cold , and have been gacking and hacking . My head still feels weird , but my fever is pretty much non existent at 99 degrees . Apparently , this plague stays with folks for a while . People say the start to feel better , then they get set back . Lovely . Hopefully that won 't happen to me . Aside from the basic chores , there hasn 't been much else going on . Zach is now the Assistant Patrol leader of his Boy Scout Patrol , so he had his first patrol leader meeting last night . Tonight , he has an Order of the Arrow meeting ( OA is like the Honor Society for Boy Scouts ) . Saturday is our Scouting For Food pick up . Since Zach has Veterans ' Day off tomorrow , he is going hunting with the Menfolk . We would love it if Zach could get a deer . It would be his first one . He also needs to start brushing up on his Scout rank information , since Monday night he has his Scoutmaster Conference for his Star Rank . He will be quizzed on all info he has learned for his Scout , Tenderfoot , Second Class and First Class Ranks . If he passes that , then he will have his Board Of Review , which consists of members of the Troop Committee ( Rick and I are not allowed to participate in that , of course ) . If he passes that , he will get his Star Rank . Today my fever is down to 99 . 5 , which is good , because tomorrow , come hell or high water , plagues , the sun falling out of the sky , the oceans drying up , or all the volcanoes in the world erupting at once , I am to get up with Zach , because Rick will not be around . He will be in the woods at O Dark Thirty for the first day of deer hunting season ( rifle - muzzleloader season already started , as well as bow season ) In our section of NH , it is the only day for either sex . I am hopeful that one of the Menfolk will get a deer . We want to make some sausage , and some venison burger . Brother B was the last to get a deer , three years ago . Last year , they found a great area with good signs , and told a good friend about it . This good friend in turn told his son , who went to this spot , and nabbed a deer . Needless to say , this angered my hubby just a wee bit : ) This year , after much scouting and good signs , they are going to keep the info to themselves . Two tree stands are up , and 6 deer trails are visible from the stands . The problem is finding good trails without lots of heavy foliage . We have some areas where the forest is quite thick . The Menfolk have been very vigilant in scouting areas , looking at their their game camera footage , and have actually jumped a few deer . Hopefully they will have good luck this year . Thank you old friends ( and new ! ) for wishing that I get better soon . Saturday I slept most of the day . Yesterday I slept half the day and I had a fever of 100 . 2 . This AM it 's down to 100 , so I guess I am getting there . I still have aches , scratchy throat , cough , and my headbone feels like it 's on another planet . I had a horrible time sleeping last night , and I think it was a combo of the caffeine in the Excedrin Migraine I took around 7 : 00 PM ( had a horrible , shooting pain from my neck to my temples ) and the body aches I was having . Finally , around 2 : 30 AM , I fell asleep , but it was a rather fitful sleep . Today I am at trying to sit up for a while ( hence , blogging ) . I am enjoying English muffins with homemade strawberry jam and a nice cup of coffee . ( We have to drink 1 / 2 decaf because of Rick ) Yesterday my appetite was not very good , so I wound up nibbling a few times throughout the day . Last night I did enjoy some fresh scrambled eggs and a couple pieces of toast with ginger ale . Needless to say , I did miss my Breakfast Date with My Dear Friend Michelle : ( Our cat Moxie kept me company for most of the day yesterday , and Little O enjoyed sleeping on the cable box because it 's nice and warm . Sasha , our little chocolate lab , curled up with me for a while . Zach , bless his heart , came in last night to wish me good night , but he kept his distance " I would give you a hug and a kiss Mumma , but I don 't want to get sick . " So he gave the air a hug and blew me a good night kiss . Rick does not like it when I am sick . He says he feels helpless , since there is nothing he can do . It stinks when loved ones are sick , because all you can is wait it out . Headache , sore throat , achy body , stomach feeling rather on the funky side , cough . . . yep , I have it . I am suppose to meet My Dear Friend Michelle for breakfast tomorrow . I hope I will feel better by then . I enjoy our girl time . She , like me , lives in a house of testosterone . The only difference is , where I have two adult males and one young ' un , she has two young ' uns and one adult male . Today is the day for nighttime cold medicine and bed to try and shake it off . I don 't like not feeling well . I always feel like I let my family down . The house is still in somewhat of a messy state from all the work this past week . I guess it will have to sit yet another day . It 's been a few days since I have posted , and some of that is due to Zach using my camera for some Computer class thing he was doing , so he had to bring my camera to school . Yes , he does have his own $ 20 cheapy digital - but apparently it is missing in the mess of his room . I would forget to get it back from him , so . . . . days have gone by . Also , the floor did take some time to prep . The floor leveler would take overnight to dry , then he had to lay down another layer of leveler , then some quick skim in areas . The day the floor was being laid , his helper was sick , so it took a bit longer . Then we decided to put this new flooring in our hallway as well , so there was more continuity , which meant a small area needed to be leveled yet again . At any rate , the project which was started on Saturday finally ended yesterday , Thursday . Since I didn 't have my camera during the day , I couldn 't take photos of the actual floor laying , I could only take after photos . We did have to take up the mopboards , but we are going to replace them anyway . They are quite wide . We will put the same size as the ones we put in the living room . We are going to invest in stainless steel appliances . If you look to the photo above , you see our stove is not in the ideal position - right under the cabinets . There is nowhere for steam to go except on the under side of the cabinet , which then drips down . Yuck . We are going to put the stove on the wall where our coats are hung , and put a cabinet in the space where the stove is now . Our fridge will go in the spot across from that area , on the other side of the brick chimney ( the spot we had it ) . We are going to build a small closet for our coats , etc next to the fridge , and when our mud room is done next year , we can keep our coats , etc our there , and the closet will be used for mops , ironing board , etc . One of my goals is to have the trash kept out of the way , maybe in an under the counter cabinet . . . you know , one of those pull out trash bins thingymabobbies . I would also like an over the stove microwave to help save counter space . Did I mention new countertops possibly ? |
Subsets and Splits