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This is me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than don’t-leave-my-bed-for-a-week depression. I am grateful I can be an independent person. But there is something uniquely horrible about being able to go to work every day, occasionally clean up after yourself, pay your bills, generally put yourself together enough to look like a human being... but that’s it. Nothing else. No social life. No hobbies. Constantly battling your mind. And being absolutely fucking exhausted all the time.

I know how you feel. I feel sad and hopeless most of the time, but I always manage to go to work. I guess as hard as it is when I wake up, once I’m there I feel somewhat better.

I’m trapped inside. Does anyone else get that feeling? My memories from the past few years are shoddy at best. I think I’m losing it.

I stopped living at 17. I know how you feel. Trapped in an aging,sore body with a brain that refuses to work most of the time.

I read a lot of posts on here of people struggling with daily, debilitating depression that plagues every aspect of their lives, making it difficult to do small things like even take a shower. I feel that I am on the opposite side of the spectrum and wanted to share that it is equally as horrible. From an outsider's perspective, I appear to be a very happy and stable individual. I have a financially secure job and I go to work every day and not only try my best but actively try to get along with others and make people laugh every day. My coworkers like me, and some look up to me. No one would think I have any problems at all. However, I feel like I am hidden behind a veil, and when I come home from work and when I am in the privacy of my home, I am in such crippling depression. I have such terrible episodes of sadness. I hate myself. I over-analyze everything stupid I do or say throughout the day and I replay it in my mind constantly and belittle myself. I don't feel proud of myself for any of my accomplishments and genuinely don't know why anyone even likes me. And yet I still get up every day, live this routine, and put on a facade like I am okay. It feels like I am living a double life that I cannot escape.

This would be called Persistent Depressive Disorder. I am not diagnosing you BUT I say look into it. This is exactly what I was diagnosed with along with C-PTSD. And it sucks because I feel like I’m not sick enough. Sure I may go days without showering and brushing my teeth. I have crying episodes and I self-harm. Suicidal ideations totally there. But I also go to school. Go out with friends. I have good grades and pass all my classes. And like you, I feel like I’m living a double life. There’s been this desire in me lately. One of just escaping. Either through death or through moving to another state. But there’s just this intense desire to get away. And I think that’s where it stems from. I won’t lie, I suffer from an identity crisis. I genuinely don’t know who I really am. I’ve spent my whole life conforming to everyone’s standards just to please them. Anyways OP, I hope you’re able to overcome this to whatever extent possible. We all deserve a chance at true happiness.

Thank you, that really helps. Now I feel ten times worse.

That honestly sucks! I hate when parents do that, it’s so annoying and doesn’t help what so ever. Are you okay?

I don’t know if that makes sense. What I mean is that I stay up as late as possible wasting time because I know that if I go to sleep, I’ll wake up and have to go to school. I usually go to bed at around 3:30am and get up at 6am and it’s destroying me, I’ve been doing this for months and I’m physically weak and exhausted constantly because of it but my depression and anxiety demand it. And they always seem to get their way. Edit: I’m really glad that this spoke to so many people, it feels good knowing I’m not alone. Sending lots of love to you all. This isn’t easy but I believe in you ❤️

Yes, every day! It's the only thing exciting in life. Having that irregular bedtime: "When will I sleep today? I don't know!" Exhilarating. Plus, you'll probably die sooner so you won't have to deal with life as much.

Does anyone else feel this way? This has been crossing my mind a lot lately EDIT: I just want to thank everyone for the thoughtful, kind comments I've been recieving. It's been a nice change and I really appreciate it. You guys are the best. :)

Yeah, for a few years now. Mostly because it'd finally bring me some peace, no pressure of letting people down, and no hurt from being let down. I also don't think I bring much good to the world, so it wouldn't make much difference. And lately, every day has just been waiting for the next day to come and magically fix everything, which seems like a waste. But I know this comes and goes, and I'm allowed to have these periods, so I'm just choosing to lay low for a while and wait for an "up" period. How's it work for you?

The first 6 words of the title is accurate too.

This is me the past few years.

Just curious if anyone else affected by this problem also noticed quite a big cognitive decline. Or if anyone has noticed a cognitive decline and managed to build themselves back up to that previous cognitive level.

Yes massively. I can't hold conversations very well, I also lose track of time/space. I've only just started my recovery process but i'm hoping one day I can go back to remembering stuff

She was only 67. She told me every so often about how she always thought she'd end up with her ex husband again and how she thought they were meant to be together in the end, I don't know if she ever got the chance to tell him how she felt. I'm extremely shaken up, but I think she wouldn't want me to be sad for her. In her memory I'm going to tell the people I love how I feel, give my dog a hug, and remember that she is in my corner rooting for me when I feel like nobody else is. Edit: thanks everyone for your kind words, I feel less alone about this now. In lieu of a funeral she wanted people to donate to her dog's vet clinic because she was a huge animal lover. Maybe toss a few donations toward your local clinic or shelter to help spread her love even further

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️

Basically what the title says and my current situation.

Everytime things gets better i feel that everything will go wrong and will ruin this, its really annoying (sorry for my english)

i feel this way around everyone, friends, family, coworkers, anywhere i go. i just always feel like i’m in the background. but at the same time i like going unnoticed so i don’t have to talk to anyone and be in the spotlight..

Yes. It's very rare to meet someone that I feel comfortable with. I usually feel like an outsider and like I dont fit in. I long to belong though lol

I can’t even remember the last time i woke up excited for anything. edit: Wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and sharing your own stories. Definitely glad to have this community it helps to know we aren’t alone even though it may feel that way.

We normally don't wake up excited. The biggest issue is that we start to forget the last time we were legitimately happy and then all the days blend together and memories are missing.

Happens to me a lot. Cooking, walking to class, brushing my teeth...sometimes I just stop for like a minute, feel a tremendous sense of self-hatred and suicidal ideation, and then continue on as if nothing ever happened.

Of course, all the time. It fucking sucks.

Like ??? I posted on AskReddit asking non-depressed people how they felt and I'm shocked. Not sure what I expected though. You exist in this hellhole and you're just like... Chill with it? Like I'm so happy for these people but it's mindblowing! Like I have never known a time that I didn't experience severe recurring depression so it's just fuckin crazy that these people are real? One even said they don't understand how people can be depressed for seemingly no reason. Like I wish so much I could say the same. Like logically I knew they must exist but it's still just unfathomable in my mind. It kinda makes me sad that I don't understand them just as much as they don't understand me. But I'm glad at least someone is happy in life. Idk man.

can you imagine waking up happy and being excited to face the day lmao

I can’t imagine how many days I have wasted to being sad and crying and not being able to accomplish the things I need to do. I have responsibilities I have deadlines and none of them seem to matter when I am in these dark episodes. How can you force yourself to do what needs to be done when you feel so hopeless and numb?

I am feeling this exact feeling right now... I have so much to do, but I feel too numb to even start. But you've somehow inspired me to do something about that, so for the first step I'm going to just force myself to sit at my desk. Not too hard I guess. And then I'm going to play my favorite playlist on YouTube to make my hellish tasks a little bit fun at least. And finally I'm going to start studying for my Chemistry test -- even if I can only manage to do it for five minutes, that's better than lying in bed like I'm doing right now. And it's happened to me in the past where I started crying because of all the stuff that I procrastinated doing (love cramming before end of year exams), but I forgave myself, because I wasn't going to finish anything otherwise. It's incredibly difficult, but you have to stop thinking about what you could have done, and just focus on what you can do right now -- you have all the power to change that. My dad always says that motivation only comes after your first action -- maybe that applies to you too right now. I feel like if I can do a little bit, it might inspire me to do more. Anyway, all the best to you OP, I know you can tackle whatever it is you want to accomplish <3

It feels like the harder I try to better myself, the harder it pushes back.

I'm just throwing this out there, but that kind of sounds like mania(hypo?) and the depressive state that follows. Not qualified to diagnose this at all but I do recognize what you are saying(really motivated followed by a crash) in my pattern of moods and I have bipolar disorder type 2. Or it could just be ups and downs of depression and normal state.

Like, the old me wasn’t even that great either but damn

The worst part is it was so gradual. That’s why I went so long without noticing.

I know I have issues. But I go through manic mood swings, and while on the depressive end I feel like absolute shit, when I'm out of that phase and feel somewhat "normal" again I tell myself I greatly exaggerated the effect in my mind. It doesn't help that my self loathing won't let me admit that I have depression because I keep thinking I don't deserve to be depressed. So I invalidate myself and continue life until the next phase hits, and the cycle continues.

All the friggin time. I'm severely depressed I'm just weak, lazy and faking it

It's just the thought, that maybe you know how to be happy. Maybe all the stuff you read online, the stuff your family tells you, the stuff you hear from your therapist, maybe it all goes somewhere in your head. Maybe you've seen enough happy, normal functioning people, that you have some idea of how to do what they do. That maybe you've made the same mistakes enough times that you could point them out and stop repeating them. It's the idea that, you know how not to be depressed, so if you still are, then that means you must want it this way. And if you want it this way, well that must mean you deserve it. And I guess, that's probably not true, but sometimes, sometimes I just don't know.

Or maybe I'm not even depressed. Maybe I'm just lazy and have a horrible personality. That's the one in my head all the time.

I know that the fact that I can brush my teeth and shower each day and show up to work each day is a blessing with my depression. But I’m also sick of constantly feeling like I’m about to break. I hate nearly downing my pills each night only to wake up the next day to plaster a fake as smile on my face and go to work. Each night I think to myself I can’t go on like this and each day I do. Part of me just somehow wishes I completely gave up and just hit rock bottom. I don’t know. Anyone else feel the same?

Yes. Dear God, yes. Functional depression is such a bitch most days. When strangers ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I’m an actress. I mean... it’s not a lie, is it?

I was depressed, failing school, etc and I decided I should do my homework at a coffee shop one day. I went in and the owner was super nice and asked me if I wanted to join the rewards program and I was really craving community at this point and I was super excited. I kept coming back to the shop to do my homework and the owner and the baristas would always welcome me and they were always happy to see me. I started to get to know everybody there very well and now I consider them all friends. I found that when depressed having different communities helps a lot, and it turns out a lot of the other regulars at coffee shops also are depressed or have other mental illnesses. A two dollar drink can let you stay there for a few hours and by being nice to everyone around you and being somewhat productive on work it can be a really great place to have

This makes me happy. Sometimes it’s hard to find ways to get out of the house when you’re alone. Coffee shops are nice because you *can* be social, but you don’t have to be. I’ve been going to a local coffee shop sporadically over the past year, whether it’s to work on art or homework. I haven’t built any lasting connections, but it’s often one of my only ways to get out of my apartment.

It's always some great 1 off line that they think is the secret to fixing everything. "Just love yourself!" - Sure let me just go do that real quick. "You have so much more time, things will get better!" - Lot more time for things to get worse too :) "You'd be disappointing your family, etc" - Ah yes, by trapping me in the hypothetical mental state of permanently worrying about others over myself, I now get to live a happy and successful life, thank you. Really appreciate it, thank you.

That's because people who have never been depressed think depression is just being sad...and just sadness is easy to cure.

Does anyone else feel like their mind isn't as sharp as it used to be? Back when I was a kid, I was actually able to focus on things and had a pretty good memory. Now, it's like I'm on permanent autopilot. I rarely ever take note of my surroundings or have clear inner monologue. I'm always stuck in this half-awake state where I can't focus on multiple things at once and just kind of "zone out" so to speak. I also tend to forget things really quickly for some reason. It makes me feel like some useless, brain-dead retard that can't even function normally or think basic thoughts. It's as if my cranium is rotting away or something. I'm stuck with permanent brain fog and there's nothing I can do about it. I take antidepressants and vitamin d pills, I drink lots of water, I eat healthy, but nothing works. I hate the fact that my brain will never work the same way again, all because of depression. It's destroying my life and I can't take it anymore. Edit: In case anyone is curious, I don't do drugs or drink alcohol, nor am I old. I'm just a depressed 22 year old dude.

you’re describing exactly what i’m going through

Apologies in advance for the ramble that follows and for any mistakes as this isn't my native language. No matter how busy I make myself, it all seems pointless in the end. What the fuck am I working towards ? Doesn't seem like I have any purpose in life even though I'm 26 and most people my age are making their careers and starting to settle down. Anything I do is to distract myself from my thoughts but I end up at the same dark place at the end of every day. Honestly feel like instead of growing as a person, I deteriorated in the last few years. I have no motivation left except that I love my parents and them having to witness my death will destroy them. If only there was a way to erase myself from everyone's memories.

I feel like this, I don't necessarily want to die but at the same time there's not much I want to live for either.

You're alive, but you aren't living. You feel like doing something, anything, but nothing is appealing. Everything feels like a chore, and it's exhausting. "Do things that you enjoy doing" doesn't work, since everything feels like watching paint dry. Realising that you're slowly beginning to lose interest in the few things you enjoy doing and realising that there's nothing you can do about it is mentally torturing. It's like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands; it's hopeless. The only thing you look forwards to is death.

I feel like I wrote this. Sitting there knowing you should be enjoying what you are doing and you just don't. So frustrating.

They just give you a taste of what you’ll never have and when your self-esteem is at an all time low it just makes you want to kill yourself even more

There's a Lovecraft book called Celephaïs. And its about a man who spends all his money to spend his life in sleep and dreaming rather than in reality. It's an interesting read and sometimes I feel like following suit.

A house (or apartment) is surely different from a home, and it seems I haven’t had a home for many, many years now despite always having a place to stay. I understand it is a gift to have shelter, and I realize it may be insensitive to someone who is struggling with homelessness; this is just my experience.

I've heard it's actually a sign of wanting security. It's not "home" in the physical sense, but "home" in that you want to be somewhere that you feel safe and loved and wanted. Edit- thanks for the silver! I hope one day everyone who's connecting with this can find their "home" some day soon.

My life is objectively very easy but my depression makes it all feel like a struggle

Agreed. I feel like a spoiled brat all the time. But I also feel a little deluded and helpless.

I'm so tired and I hate everything.

This is a pretty accurate description of my life actually. Wanna talk about it?

I'm so tired of making excuses. I am sick, just in my head.

I just say "I'm sick.". It is true -- mental illness is illness. It is none of their issue what ailment I'm suffering from, no obligation or guilt tripping from my side to specify.

Exercise/physical activity, eating healthy, spending time in nature, finding a hobby are all things that are supposed to "be good for your mental health"... but by definition, depression is a problem *precisely because* it inhibits your inability to function, much less do things that are good for you. Finding a therapist, trialling multiple therapists to see which one suits me best, or even starting on antidepressants and having to check in with a doctor/psychiatrist every few weeks, or having to change medications because one might fuck up my head even more, or not even work... all takes so much fucking effort that I can't bother to do any of it. I went to a counsellor at my university earlier this year, and they suggested things like group therapy for my anxiety and volunteering for causes because that can give people a sense of purpose in day to day life... and I just didn't know how to tell them, that is exactly the problem, *I have utterly no will to do any of that and that's why I'm sitting in your office right now and I don't know what anyone can possibly do about me being this way*. If people with depression were able to so easily do things to help themselves, we wouldn't need to classify it as an 'illness' or 'disorder'. That's why it's so infuriating when we see how even 'professional' mental health advocacy organizations repeat the hackneyed slogans which I cannot understand how they are even still in mass circulation. It's so irrational and frustrating that I'm physically able to take ten steps out of the house to just go on a goddamn walk, but I have absolutely no mental will to do anything but lie in bed. Only listening to music is the only action that can be done purely passively with no effort whatsoever, but then I just get sad and start spiralling from guilt. And I can't stop thinking about how irrational it is, even though I've experienced it for so many years. I'm constantly surprising myself from my own incompetence, as if I ever expected anything different. More than hopelessness, I just feel confused as to what I'm supposed to do when I can't will myself to do anything. What even is this anymore? Edit: Thank you for all the comments. I didn’t expect to get any response. It’s hard to describe, but I feel very moved that there are people out there that I reached in a small way for a short moment of time.

Amen to this you’re spot on! I’m feeling the same way and it’s like why not just put myself out of misery instead? I don’t want to have to endure years of trying to maybe fix myself when it seems like I’ve hit a point of no return and I’m completely broken :(

I have never been in this low mental state before Edit: i read every comment you all are so wholesome🤗!! ! you are the best people on earth ! this subreddit is full of amazing people who understand each other! 2 Edit: thank you for gifts !!

i feel you. im so fucking tired of it...my parents paid so much already and i know im a disafuckingpointment. i cant stand this shit i hate it

I finally did it guys!!!!! 2 years!! I was so depressed 2 years ago I started skipping classes, I failed every single class I was in. My GPA dropped to a 1.7. I lost my financial aid, which I couldn't go back the next semester without. I spent the last 2 years, becoming more and more depressed because I couldn't afford to go back and I ruined my life over depression. But I finally did it!!!! (with the consistent encouragement of my boyfriend who told me hes going to keep on top of my ass and I'm not allowed to skip class) I still have a year and a half left for my associate's because of how much I failed but it's a start. Edit: I cant believe how many people replied to this!! Thank you all so much for encouraging me, to know I had 100+ people comment to tell me how proud they are makes me even more motivated to do well this semester. Also to all the people who said this post gave them a little kick in the ass to go back, were all going to do amazing :)

Congratulations! I did pretty much the same thing, and it was tough but well worth it to go back. Good luck! You got this. :)

Being suicidal is like being on a really terrible night out. I'm having a terrible time but my friends and family are all enjoying it so I stick around. They're the ones that invited me and said I'd have a good time. But as time goes on, the desire to leave just gets stronger and stronger so I try to distract myself by getting some more drinks to make it a bit more bearable but I still really just want to leave. But everyone is telling me that this is a great night out to be on and that I should just stay and try to enjoy myself. But I'm not enjoying myself. I'm just numbing my annoyance at not being allowed to leave with drugs and alcohol. I've got to the exit door a couple of times but I couldn't get any further than that. What's more annoying is that while I can get help to make the night out more manageable, I'm not allowed to just leave. I'm stuck here. It feels like this night out has just turned into a prison sentence.

Oh this definitely hit the feels brother

It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster with 80% super lows and 20% kinda highs..

Yes. For me, the motivatated times keep getying shorter and further apart.

I'm never going to get better why the fuck should I even try.

hey, chin up. you can still go on walks. i’ve been going on walks lately and it’s scientifically proven in several different ways to make you happier. seeing the beauty of nature is great. try to find paths or forests!

I wrote a suicide note today. I listened to funeral music. I lined up all my pills. I cried. And cried more. I thought of my mom. I thought of my dad. I thought of Paulie. I thought of Ang. I thought of Kris. I thought of everyone. I thought of soldiers in war. I thought of terminal illness. I thought of my possible future.. I remembered what I'd be losing. I felt a rage grow in me. I put away my pills. I listened to angry music. I didn't kill myself today.

Im really proud of you

I hate this.

Depressed because unloved, unloved because depressed.

The point I realised that I think I collapsed in some way. That I only live from one day to another. That maybe my suicidal tendencies are just wanting to stop that cycle which slowly rots my mind. I feel like Im just a pile of dust on the edge of the table, waiting for someone to clean the table and stop my existance for good. Idk if any of it makes any sense. If anything in life actually makes sense.

I feel that way while at work, I just want the damn day to end as fast as possible.. then I get home and although I'm still not happy per se, I don't want the day to end.. then it's over too soon and I know I have to sleep and go back to work again to repeat the cycle

It's the closest thing to dying. This life sucks.

Yes. Sleep is the greatest escape I have these days. But then sometimes I get insomnia and can't access it. The worst.

Like, I’m still alive, but I can’t experience my life anymore. I’m basically a walking dead zombie.

Do you have a lock on where the depression is coming from? If you're experiencing chronic numbness, I can think of a couple common sources from suppressing memory or emotion, to a life philosophy of nihilism making you think nothing matters, to hyperoveranalysis leading you to think that every action you'll take will end in disaster so you'd rather not try, to past trauma leaving you highly anxious about judgement or rejection.

My actual personality is over the top, fun(in my opinion), confident, and kind. But the depression teams up with social anxiety so that I just don't have enough enough energy to act like who I truly am. I turn into this very flat, monotone, boring, quiet person who I would never want to hang out with or date. It's the main reason I avoid social interaction now - it feels humiliating because I feel like I'm perceived as this pathetic, pitiable, ignorable person. When I'm feeling better and have a little more energy I can act like myself but usually I'm just this shell. It's horrible, like watching the progression of ALS in a loved one; they just slowly fade away until there's nothing left of who they used to be. At least with physical illness or bipolar or whatever you have yourself, that fundamental spark of who you truly are, and you're able to show that and share that with others. I don't even have that privilege. Sorry if this comes off as arrogant or insensitive, this is just how I feel. edit: Guys, thanks so much for all the responses. I appreciate all of you. I didn't know so many people felt the same way, and I'm glad if I was able to help give voice to your struggles. I've had depression my whole life so I've had a lot of time to think about these things. I think it helps to be able to really narrow down what you're feeling. I wish you all luck in getting better.

This doesn’t come off as arrogant or insensitive at all. I know exactly how you’re feeling. It really sucks. I’m a shy, introverted person to begin with, but anxiety and depression has really just killed any semblance of personality. Unfortunately I turn to drinking to get myself out of my bubble. Whenever I hang out with my friends I usually just sit there and don’t say much.

You know the feeling - you're hungry and open the friedge but everything in there looks disgusting. So you either give up and don't eat or force down something that is completely unsatisfying. That is every part of my life right now. I don't know how else to explain it. I have energy now (with my meds) and an urge to be doing something, but nothing seems appealing. When I do things, I don't feel good about it or pleasure. But if I sit around doing nothing, I feel the urge to be doing something. I don't know what to do or how to explain it. EDIT: Holy crap. Thank you everyone for the likes and awards and comments. It makes me feel connected and a little less alone. I will try to reply to all the comments.

Wow, that is exactly how it feels.

Saying things like “she’s so emotional hahaha” and telling her friend everything I just said that was making me upset. Everything about me is just a joke to her, just a topic of discussion for her to gawk over. I don’t even know why I’m crying, what else should I expect from someone who hasn’t ever given me any kind of legitimate emotion support.

Family is mostly a product of random chance. You don’t owe your family anything except for how they’ve treated you. If your family treats you like this, they don’t have to be a part of your life.

I am emotionally and physically drained. Tired of this thing called life. I hate people😔 Edit: I just want to say thank you for your kind words. This has really shon me that I am not alone

felt this today, it never goes away.

I’m too cowardly and afraid of pain to commit suicide but I just don’t want to exist.

Same here. And I don't even know why! I want to be energetic, but it's like I'm tired all the time, even I didn't do a single thing. (Pardon my English)

The worst part about depression for me, even worse than suicidal thoughts or constant pain, is the huge toll it has on my mental faculties. I think slower. I need longer for decision making and understanding pretty basic things in conversations. I can't plan anything because it is too much mental effort. I read a sentence in a book and don't register the information it's supposed to convey. I can't think as deeply. As a teenager, I was able to hold my train of thought and look at a problem for a long time and find an intricate solution. That's gone. My ability to think any deeper than surface level is lost. I'm not improving my programming skills, even though I do it professionally on a daily basis. I just don't seem to have the mental capacity for improvement. It has been like that for years, even worsening, I'm worried that I'll just stay "depression stupid" forever. It's also completely ruining my future, because I can't make any sound decisions. EDIT: This blew up over night, I'm thankful for the lively discussion in the comments, thanks for the awards. May you all find a way to get rid of this. Lots of love.

Yeah, that sucks. I feel the same way. Obsessive thoughts have made me less sharp, and depression has made me less alert. It's hard to get out of the spiral of negative thinking. But I'm trying to have confidence in the brain's plasticity, kind of like using the placebo affect to my advantage. Every time a negative thought pops into my head, I try to reinforce the neural networks that fight them or dismiss them. If you focus on the biological damage caused by the depression, it will only make you more depressed and cause more damage. But if you believe that you can heal, there's a good chance that you will or it will at least keep it from getting worse. Don't underestimate the mind-body connection. I also try to put more effort into practicing my guitar since playing instruments and listening to music are good for the brain. Take care 🙂

I'm discouraged today! :D Edit: This is a bit overwhelming. But reading all your comments was lovely. I hope every single one of you struggling will find the light one day. I guess we can run this marathon together if that's what it should come for. You lean on me so your broken leg doesn't hurt as much, and I'll lean on the second person, etc. Have a wonderful day ❤️

Such a perfect analogy. I hate talking about my depression, I stopped after I opened up to someone about it and their response was “just try thinking positive:)” Well gee, why didn’t I think of that?!

Update: Sorry in advance, I’m on mobile and this is long. I really wasn’t expecting this amount of support and kindness from so many people. Thank you all for the uplifting words and thank you for the rewards! I’d like to first address any concerns about meeting up during the pandemic. My friend and I made plans to meet up at a coffee shop, buy a quick cup of coffee, and then immediately head to a park nearby in separate cars. The coffee shop is on small a military base so that cuts the amount of people that were in there down by a lot. I went ahead and grabbed coffee and then waited on a bench outside of the shop for around 30 minutes or so before leaving. I stayed 6 feet away from others and wore a mask the entire time. I played it safe and went by the rules. Next I’d like to say thank you to those who have helped me realize how big of an accomplishment it was for me to get to the coffee shop. It really did take a lot of effort and I appreciate the reminder that it took strength I didn’t know I had. I also want to thank those who have expressed empathy towards my friend. She is going through a rough time and has been since long before the pandemic started. I wasn’t angry at her because I understand that she’s struggling too. I was just really sad and disappointed because I’ve only seen her once since last year. It was more of a bummer than anything and I just needed somewhere to get it off of my chest so I came to Reddit. Kind people of Reddit, you did not disappoint! I’m going to continue being her friend because she is very dear to me. Knowing the kind of person she is, she probably truly forgot, there was a potential miscommunication, or she may have had something come up that she couldn’t get out of. It would have been nice to get a bit of a heads up or an explanation, but I haven’t dwelled on it too much. She’ll reach out when she’s ready to. If not, then I understand that too. I’ve been in therapy and medication since 2018 and recently sent a cease &amp; desist letter and went no contact with my mother. As a result of that I haven’t heard from my Dad since it happened. I also live states away from my childhood friends and what’s left of the family that supports me (not many people). I’m better off being out of that toxic environment but it’s still a grief process losing people that are still alive. I have also been grieving what could have been if I only had healthy and supportive parents. I’m also struggling with my marriage. I’m a military spouse and it’s hard being so far away from the little support I have states away (my sisters). I won’t go into detail here about my rocky marriage but it’s been traumatic and hard. I haven’t gotten much support other than therapy and the support my younger sisters have been capable of giving. I’m in the process of filling out divorce papers and working with an attorneys office to explore my options. I also had surgery at the end of October to repair a hernia. It wasn’t too big of a deal, and my sisters came from out of town to visit during my recovery, but it did knock me down a bit emotionally because I was restricted from carrying anything over 20 pounds. That meant I couldn’t hold my toddler who is 30 pounds and that was really hard on both of us. It just would’ve been nice to be able to have hung out and talked to the one friend I have here about everything going on. It honestly would’ve been nice to talk about things that have nothing to do with all of the crap that has gone on this year too. It’s okay though! Life will carry on and there will be better days. I still got my coffee, got outside, then came home and hung out with my son and put up Christmas decorations. I also got a ton of fantastic advise and support from you lovely folks. Thank you again! TL;DR Thank you for the support and kind words! I’m not mad at my friend, just sad we couldn’t meet up. I followed social distancing rules when going out. 2020 has sucked but personally, so has the past decade or so.

I know we're supposed to be focusing on the 2nd half of your story, but I really want to applaud you for the first half. 👏 You made plans! 👏 You got dressed nicely! 👏 You even put on makeup! 👏 You didn't cancel and you made it to the coffee shop! 👏 Yay, congrats!! 👏👏👏 You did the things that you have control over and you should celebrate that. What your friend didn't do is on her.

My parents don’t seem to grasp this concept, just needed to vent

Sometimes humor actually makes me feel worse, like I'm laughing but it's fake or something.

But depression is much more than that. It’s the excuses you have to make when you can’t make that meeting. It’s the friends and family you’ve lost because you can’t explain why. It’s the opportunities that land in everyone else’s lap, that they get to grasp with both hands, while yours slip out of your grasp. It’s the exhaustion that binds your body to your bed. It’s the hatred and resentment you feel towards yourself, towards the world for being the way it is. It’s your proven truth that everything and everyone gets better, except for you. It’s the demon that dragged you down and trapped you in the hellish prison that is your own mind. It’s the ball and chain locked around your neck, choking the life out of you as you trudge through your marathon, while everyone else gets to charge on ahead, unimpeded. It’s the wall that blocked you off from life. It's the leech that sucked out everything positive about your life and clouds your memories. It’s not just being “sad”. And we can only wish it was. *Edited to add: Thank you all for the kind words and awards. I really didn't expect this to blow up as much as it did. I wrote this in an attempt to put my experience with depression into words, and to serve as a reminder of what it feels like, for the times when normal people try to tell me my depression isn't real or otherwise downplay it.*

I don't know what part of me is depression and what is just my personality

Title says it all. Trying to get your life together just feels like working at a job I hate.

Managing a mental illness is a full time job you get overworked over and don't get paid for and it contractually obligates you to have difficulty finding another job and to do shit and as time passes, the more you fall behind and like fuck that shit

it’s the calmness around me, silence, no responsibilities, no work, just me and quiet room full of nothing. I just want this moment to last for as long as possible so I refuse going to sleep. thinking about waking up and going through another day just makes me sick.

same. for some reason my brain thinks that if I don't go to sleep the next day won't start so it's all good

Going to sleep is my favorite thing bc I can shut off everything else. Edited to add: I am so sorry you’re all relating to this. We can all get through these moments together. The good news is that we never have to live a day twice. Once today is over, that’s it. If we survive today we can survive tomorrow 💕

Every single day. To cope with being awaken all day I try to play random games on my phone or watching random youtube videos.

Jesus, how do I even start. As you could read by the title, I'm a black man. I've always been in the fight. Grew up with racism in all its forms in my country, which, ironically, usually denies there ever being racism in any way. The kind of shit I've heard through my entire life has molded me into someone with no self-esteem, sense of self-worth, voice and made into introvert. Because of the mentality of "you need to work twice as hard as everyone out there", I always saw the future as bleak, tiresome and as more struggle. This never really changed. It just got worse with time, with college and the awful reality that came afterwards. I've been depressed for most of my life, with my initial diagnosis at age 9. I still have it, with severe anxiety. My first suicidal thoughts came at age 8, and then and there I already hated myself for everything. For not being enough, for not being what the world wanted, for failing myself at being the best, for never getting anything good out of my own life, for never letting myself rest or be human. And with all the recent events, like the absurd police brutality worldwide, the rise of authoritarianism in my country, with being worked to the bone and around the clock due to the pandemic, with my country quickly moving up to be the worst afflicted by covid-19 and my mom and me being in danger during these times by living in a neighbourhood near a place where a white supremacist parade happened, which also happens to be a place where a lot of people are simply disrespecting quarantine... All of this shit, is just wearing me down really badly. I wake up exhausted. I can't deal with anything without having a serious bout of anxiety or anger outbursts, followed by fullscale breakdowns. I'm feeling guilty by worrying my friends and my mom. I feel guilty by feeling tired, by feeling afraid. I feel guilty by not feeling brave enough to go out on the streets for my people and taking action. I feel guilty for existing. I'm so fucking exhausted and I don't know what to do. I just want it all to end, I just wanna go somewhere else. I can't handle anything anymore. Edit: all of this support... I'm very, very thankful for it. I think I've never felt this supported in my whole life. All of your words have touched me deeply. I'm so glad you helped me. I feel more hopeful, more energized from talking to you all. Thank you. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. You've all stopped me from doing something terrible today. Thank you. Edit 2: wow, I was not expecting this kind of response from so many people. I'm trying to respond to everyone, but I think I can't. I'd like to thank you all once more for all your words. I'm very glad that I vented about all these feelings here with you all. I feel so much support from you and I feel like my feelings are valid and worth feeling. It may seem a bit dramatic, but I'm legitimately walking out of this with a different outlook on life. I never expected to see so many people I don't know just rush in to support me when I'm in my absolute worst. So thank you, once more for being here for me. I mean it. I love you all

Hey my brother keep your head up. I know how you feel, I'm a black man as well and I'm sick with all this racism. But keep your head up man, no matter what don't quit, I got you in my prayers.

ive never been diagnosed with anything, let alone talked to a professional but I have been chronically sad/down/depressed/who fuckin knows for years. ive been going to the gym a lot to try to stop feeling so shitty about (or let’s be real, for) myself. I never talk to anyone- just listen to my music and try to do whatever, but today this random girl asked me if I was doing okay because I looked more down than usual. i told her ‘im good - thanks though”! i knew I felt myself getting worse and I guess it’s showing too. i guess it’s nice that someone asked though, even if i lied.

These types of people are the reason i try to keep going in life. Salt of the earth. most people dont ask their friends how they do let alone a complete stranger.

I don’t think i could ever kill myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to die. It’d just be so much easier than disappointing everyone I love if something just happened to me and I died. I know it isn’t right to think like this but I can’t stop. Edit: this blew up, it’s kinda bittersweet knowing so many others feel the same. Edit 2: thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. I’m home now and would love to reply to all of them but I have to do homework. Things will get better for all of us if there’s this much support in the world.

That's exactly how a feel. Many times when I cross a street I think to not look any direction and just go and whatever happens happens

I found that a lot of times in the past I would be rushed out the office with crappy advice that I was already “trying” to do and then I panic and try to desperately get everything out by the end of the session. It’s hard to open up about it when I’m having an episode because the symptoms of pure confusion, difficulty thinking and focusing, MEMORY LOSS and just plain blankness of mind makes everything so frustrating... *For not from depression, sorry

Yes! Every time I went and still every time I go to my psychiatry appointments! I can cover maybe one or two things when there's twenty and I remember when I get in the car to leave. The memory problems, concentration, and the brain fog are my least favorite symptoms!

Just a loop of unhappiness, really hope I can fix it soon. I wanna know what the fuck happened to my motivation and care for life.

I have this too. No motivation to do anything whatsoever, but no ability to rest either. As soon as I sit down, a voice tells me I'm lazy, useless and unproductive. A friend I talked to thinks it's related to upbringing and how strictly your parents pushed you. Ps: I just noticed you commented on my last post. Thanks and take care!

Whenever I feel sad I don’t try to cheer up I try to make myself sadder because I like it more. I feel addicted to isolating myself from others and there’s a small part of me that enjoys feeling depressed and isolated. Depression feels strangely comforting at times. Does anyone else have this issue?

Holy fuck yes. I spent a good portion of the weekend listening to depressing music on repeat and just wallowing in my misery. I believe it's called "fetishizing your pain" and definitely isnt healthy. I've found I've gotten better about not doing that as much as I used to, and also dont seek out drugs to numb my pain as much (nobody's perfect though, definitely snorted a xanax last night to calm myself down.) Try and distract yourself instead, I've been obsessively reading these posts and trying to offer advice to others, and I feel a little better as a result...

its like when you are playing videogame and you get stuck on some part of mission,while others are having fun,you are having the worst time in ur entire life

As the lyrics say: "And then one day you find Ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run You missed the starting gun"

Today I was feeling extremely low. I don't know but my I feel like my ability to process information and write has been decreased. I'm just so angry and irritable. I hate this feeling

Yeah, all the time. I'm totally incapable of studying when I'm really depressed. I can't remember anything, I can read something 10 times and still manage to not understand it. You're not alone, don't worry. Try going for a walk when it happens or take a cold shower. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does.

For most people nostalgia is generally accepted as being a nice feeling, a pleasant memory. But for me it just reminds of a more innocent, happier time when I was child. I thought my future was good and all I cared about was playing with friends and climbing trees. How things have changed Edit: I genuinely didn't expect so many kind comments even on a sub like this. I feel better and I have you all to thank for that.

I know exactly how you feel. I'd kill to go back to those days of running around the forest in my old neighborhood with all my old friends. We've all gone our separate ways. Some of us were best friends from the age of 3 all the way to college but we have now all gone our separate ways. I mean I cherish the memories with my friends and will forever be grateful but nostalgia hurts. Stay strong friend. Here if you need to talk. Sending good vibes your way.

what do you guys say when someone gets mad at you for being sad? or when your being moody because your sad?

I always jut say im tired, and people believe it. They just leave me alone after

Idk if that makes sense. But I don't want to kill myself, I really don't. I want to be killed. I want to be shot or to not wake up. I don't want to make the choice to kill myself because my friends and family will feel responsible but I want to die.

Makes sense, I thought the same thing in the throes of suicidal depression that I wanted it to end, but not through my own action so I could avoid hell, leave my family with fewer questions, lots of reasons. I hope you find the root to this and take proper aim at it to send this pain to the abyss where it belongs, bud.

*CW* anywhere, really, work/jobs included. I can't keep track of my lies. My "headaches" and "migraines" and "feeling sick" are all lies. I can't keep track of them. I wish instead of saying "I stayed home because of my headache" I could say the truth "I have no motivation or energy. I want to kill myself. I hate myself so much and I want to die. I can't even drink water or eat healthy. I can't even do my work. I want to kill myself".

I think I found the trick for work. Every-time I mention I'm the 'caretaker for' whoever is a family member I 'live with', somehow companies can turn from "this is a 9-6 no exceptions" to "yeah, we can look at a work from home type arrangement".

This has been really scaring me lately. Since becoming depressed I've noticed more and more; - an inability to maintain thoughtful conversations with people - severely reduced attention span - short term memory loss - severely reduced motivation I think it largely has to do with my partaking in escapism, as I spend much more time browsing reddit/youtube and getting high since when I actually try to focus on work I usually end up crying. The result seems to be a feeling like I've been living in a haze, like I'm never really fully aware of what's going on, I'm just passively going through the motions of life. Getting out of this rut is going to be so much harder than I thought. I literally feel stupider now that I've been depressed for months. I can barely even talk to people in my classes now, they seem so competent and on top of things while I'm just an embarrassment who can barely form a coherent sentence.

Sadly I get this a great deal, and it drives me crazy, I am sorry your going through it as well. I used to be able to watch a TV show or movie and care about it, now I have to pause ever 15 or 30 minutes and wait, watching a show or film can take me all day, I just can't bring myself to give a shit about pretend. I loved to read, I read a book a week or more from 8 until 32 years old. For the next 4 years of depression I read 5 books. And in the last 2 years of recovery and therapy things have improved, but more in other ways, now its still only a book every 2 months, wildly different than most of my life. I never did social media at all before I got on Reddit less than 2 years ago, not of any kind. Reddit is different, I still don't do anything else, and I do like it here and the people I have met, but I do notice I am on here 3 to 6 hours every day. I feel like I am coasting intellectually on things I already learned, ideas I already formed, philosophy I already believed, and more than anything thoughts I have already thought. This is the thing that is most for me, I am articulate and well read enough, with enough evidence based and fully formed opinions, that I can appear intelligent in all likelihood forever. But that is not the point. Intellect is nothing if one does not grow, does not learn and change, does not reach. It is improving with therapy and such, but in truth it is quite slow. The memory, concentration and motivation issues are incredibly frustrating, it bothers me because I want it and am trying hard, yet redeveloping it is proving so difficult. I wish I had answers besides continuing to move forward and to keep trying things, keeping those that prove effective over time. But its really irritating in truth, I can empathize a great deal.

I lowkey wish I can be pushed over the edge so I'll have the courage to end it all (as horrible as that sounds)

I know exactly how you're feeling.. I'm feeling it right now

I wonder how much longer I can continue like this

I feel the same way. . . I’m not staying alive for myself. I’m staying alive for everyone else.

As the title says. I feel like I'm getting worse and worse at everything. I feel like I'm getting weaker, much much dumber (I used to know a shit ton of trivia, a lot of history and be really good at helping people out. Now I've forgotten most things unless I read up on it daily, I've been relying more and more on canned responses when talking to people and I've become completely socially unaware). Things that used to be easy are now difficult, I constantly make typos and I can't even concentrate on things I like, much less things I dislike. Anyone else feel like that?

Child prodigy —> talented —> clever —> average —> incompetent Never quite sure if it was the depression or just me peaking early and falling early.

I feel like my depression took my entire teen years from me. I spent all my free time in high school crying and self harming at home while everyone else had friends and hobbies and went to parties. Then I did the same thing in college. I didn’t even move out from my parents house because I was too anxious to stay in a dorm. My ex used to tell me about how much fun they had in high school and how they were in a bunch of clubs and how they had the most fun in college staying in dorms with all their friends and doing fun, dumb stuff. It always destroys me to think about how I missed out on all of that because of something I couldn’t control. Now I’m 21 and just graduated college and I’m lost. I have no friends, no partner, no job, me and my family are on rough terms and I just got diagnosed with anorexia. It is just crushing me and idk what to do anymore. And I’m afraid to tell anyone because I don’t want to be sent back to a psych ward since I have no money to pay for it again. I’m just so broken right now. Can anyone relate to this crippling regret of missing out on what were supposed to be the best years of your life?

It troubles me a lot. Thinking about what could have been if only I wasn't feeling so anxious and depressed all the time, totally missed out on being a stupid teenager. I kept telling my self that it would get better, but it has seemingly just gotten worse over the years. I don't know fam, going to a therapist soon... Fingers crossed. What's your plan?

brushing hair, taking a bath, brushing teeth and putting on something nice is too damn hard with depression.

Just thinking about it can be too hard. Sigh.

I can’t stop crying because I think I may have receding gums. I just lay in bed all day and cry, and the only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because of my cat- who can’t even live with me anymore because of my landlord. So I send my dad money to feed him. Everything is shit. I never brushed my teeth consistently for years and now it’s fucking me. I’m so ashamed my face is disgusting. My face I don’t have the energy to wash and my teeth are getting yellow because I never have the energy to brush EDIT: thank you so much for all the beautiful replies <3 I slept for a while and I made sure to read everyone’s comments before brushing my teeth and washing my face this morning- baby steps<3 I’m so glad I found this r/.

Dentist here. You'd need a professional cleaning and you'd be good as new. All the gum swelling, bleeding issues can go away after a good thorough cleaning. Please don't hesitate or be ashamed of yourself. Mental health can take a toll on self care and we understand that. I can assure you, once you see your teeth cleaned, you'll feel much better. But please don't think you're the worst patient we'd ever see. You're not. Nobody is. When we see an oral cavity, all we think is how we can restore it to it's glory, not how it came to be the way it is. Take care.

I dunno, I’ll always think it’s getting better and then nope, hits like a damn truck, knocks me to the ground, and runs over me. It always gets better for a bit, or I start to look forward to things, but clearly there’s no point to hoping if it all crashes and crumbles. If you don’t look forward to anything, you can’t be let down.

Life becomes the pendulum between being depressed or not being depressed. In that sense depression becomes theme of our life even if we are not depressed at that moment. You want real joy or happiness? No, best we can do is a relief from depression in some intervals where you can see how being normal feels like.

After bordering on suicidal yesterday, I was surprised to find I had the motivation to get out of bed when I woke up this morning. The first thing I did was make my bed, and that’s a victory in my book. I love you all. Edit: Thank you for the Silver, and for the heartwarming comments. It means a lot! Edit 2: This has me all kinds of emotional. I’ve never had so much faith in the kindness of strangers.

Wow. The title just about gave me goosebumps.. I vividly imagined waking up one day and *not* wanting to simply cease to exist. The dark cloud, weight on your shoulders, prison cell inside your mind, whatever you want to call it, just... wasn't there anymore. Immediately experiencing a rush of contentment and peacefulness, that for most people, comes naturally. Im so incredibly fascinated with that idea, because it just seems so foreign, so unreal to me. I can in a sense understand why to the average person, "today I woke up, and I didn't feel like dying!" Does not seem like a huge accomplishment. But I'm sure the people here understand. Gives me some hope that maybe some day will be my day. :) so so happy for you!

WELL I SURE SHOWED THEM, DIDN'T I? I'm a massive fuckup. I forget things the minute after I am told them. There's just a massive pile of fuzzy static in my head. My grammar has devolved into caveman-speak. I dunno if I blame my mental health or if I'm just stupid.

I know what you mean I can be told things a thousand times but if its something important I immediately forget it if it's not important I can remember it down to the last detail. It's really annoying.

I have full conversations with friends I don't have, about stories I haven't lived. I imagine how they'd respond and laugh at my jokes. I don't have any real friends, I spend my life alone because I have no real confidence in myself. I feel my youth wasting away and I hate who I am. I am unemployed so I couldn't have moved out from home. I imagine myself as a successful athlete (I know it's stupid) and I imagine how I'd interact with people and the questions they'd ask. It's disappointing to come back to my real life and realize what I am. I've done nothing with my life for the past 8 years. And nothing is moving forward. I compare myself to other men my age, and I am a failure in every aspect. I am no better today than I was 5 years ago. I wish I could escape into my fantasies

I understand you on this one. I read fanfictions pretty often and lose myself in mental scenarios of people being concerned about me or thinking I’m so insightful and intelligent and special or unique and precious to them. In reality, I’m beyond lonely and none of those things.

I didn’t even realise it myself until I took 2 tabs of acid and could look in at my life from an outside perspective, I’m awful to be around. I suck the energy out of every situation, I’m no fun, I’m never in the mood for laughing because I just constantly feel like crying. I’m like a black hole that sucks all the fun away and everyone on the outside just sees someone who’s constantly in a bad mood, there goes any chance of potential new friends approaching me. I wondered why people leave you during depression but I got it after that, I wouldn’t want to be around me either.

During my most recent depression I was abandoned by the people in my life I hold dearest to my heart and consider them my reason for living. I have unresolved abandonment issues starting early on in life. I know I suck, but it just makes things so much worse when people give up on you.

You know how many people reject me and judge me for my mental illness/trauma? Guys will fucking play me, act all into me at first, and then flip the script and be like “oh srry this ain’t gonna work out, u don’t rlly love me ur just miserable haha bye” (they don’t say that literally but im trying to summarize lol) LIKE WTF?! You knew about my trauma and mental illness from day one! Why even entertain the idea of wanting me if you were just gonna reject me for things outside of my control anyways! Do you know how devastating and invalidating that is? That’s like saying someone with a disability can’t love someone because they’re not “normal”. Tbh I think the only reason guys do this is because they see girls like me as easy targets. Since I’m mental and I’ve been abused my entire life they think they can just walk all over me, and are surprised when I stand up for myself and don’t allow them to do that. Well, screw you and fuck off🖕🏽

It is hard. It is hard because unless you have experienced it, you really do not understand what the other person is going through and even then, we all handle things differently. I imagine most of the guys just do not realize what they are unpacking and rush blindly into it. It sucks. Whats even worse is if you find someone who empathizes and genuinely connects with you, it can be self-destructive for both of you. Still trying to find the balance in this, but I think finding someone who went through something similar and trying to help each other is the best solution. Cheers.

Depression isn’t just being depressed all the time. Anger and feeling numb is also a big part of it. Before I was diagnosed, I was a lot to handle. I would get angry for no reason and destroyed my things as an ineffective coping mechanism. I even went as far as assaulting my mom once but luckily, I have a mother who was nice enough to not press charges and encouraged me to go into therapy. I now know better ways to handle my anger. Of course most angry people arent depressed (some people are just miserable) but depressed people are often angry. Also I’m not excusing my past actions I just did what I did and I can’t take it back

I have what's called smiling depression but I also get angered or irritated very easily and I can't even explain why. Like, why do I let this shit bother me? It's not even important stuff. My anxiety would be a lot better if I just chilled a bit.

I just go through the routine every day, and kinda let everything just pass by. I don't really have much of an emotional response to anything, and my personality feels like a mush of stuff. Like, whenever things go wrong, people say they want to die, and while, yeah, I don't like what happened, I just feel kinda... neutral.

I feel like my humanity was burned away long ago and I'm just a walking meat archive of knowledge and experiences.

It’s so stressful. There’s so many things I want to do but I just can’t at the moment and it sucks. Theoretically, I could be physically paralyzed for months and it would be just the same as if I wasn’t paralyzed and living my regular depressed life. Watching your life go by without any motives and meaning as you have no one there beside you because you’ve kicked everyone out of your life is one of the worst feelings for me.

I mean, I spend my whole life just in my room watching YouTube and I hate it but I’m too anxious to go outside, and I don’t really have any friends so it’s hard for me to find things so do. And it’s mostly cuz of bloody anxiety and ocd stopping me. Edit: Thanks for all the support!

I’ve felt empty for days and just now cried a little. Even though I’m miserable I was almost happy. It’s worse to feel like you’re dead than being sad.

When I go from empty to sad and so pissed off I hyperventilate

I hate working, I do believe I may be lazy but, I also hate the idea of wasting my life on something I'm not passionate in. I have no passions for existing, I'm just here because I don't want to hurt my family. They'd be devastated if I committed suicide. I try to work and it's getting to the point where I'll last a day or two then I just stop going. They say "you not supposed to like your job or career but, money money money". Nobody asked to be a wage slave to maintain a living! I don't know what to do I'm 25 with no goals, two semesters of college that I got a 1.5 gpa in. I kept having panic attacks especially during exams. I wasn't built for this life!

You sound like me. I'm already 24 and I constantly feel like a failure because I didn't pick up working right out of college. Since hiring was slow due to the pandemic I figured I could take time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and I still haven't figured it out after a year of soul searching. I feel like my whole future hinges on the path I choose. It's a catch 22 for me. If I want to ever have a family or be valued as a man I have to work in a career that will make me miserable most likely. If I work in a career that's less miserable I'll probably be paid far less and won't be able to support a family.

Everytime I get a compliment, my brain says it's fake. I just hate myself.

You're not alone Yoshi. Trust me, I completely understand how you feel, I still struggle with the same issue. One thing I have done that has helped me is to tell myself that my brain isn't my best friend sometimes, as hard as it may seem, he will will lie to you over and over again if you let him. He will tell you that he know reality better than anyone else around you, and that they're all in on his sick joke. Do you best to hear him and tell him that he's wrong, I could guess that there are people around you that do think highly of you in one way or another. Whatever you do, don't run away from your issue that is making you hate yourself. Face it head on and then go from there. Journal if you have no one you trust to be vulnerable with, but really search yourself to find out how you could try and love yourself again. Obviously this is easier said than done, and I know nothing about your situation, but these are some of the things that have helped me in my struggle to try and love myself again after hating spending years hating myself and smoking my problems away. With love, Motsy. <3

I have clinical depression. I was diagnosed about 5 years ago. It really hits me hard sometimes. One of my friends does not understand that people can 100% get depressed because of nothing. She thinks people only get depressed for a specific reason. Such as someone passing away, or a horrible break up. And those things are awful, those feelings are valid and the literal worst. But, she doesn’t understand that people can just be depressed for basically no reason at all. I’m currently having a depressive episode. Nothings wrong. I just can’t get out of bed... I can’t do the dishes. I can’t pick up the take-out off my bedroom floor. I can’t. I just.. I can’t hear the “but.. why are you depressed?” question one more time. Fortunately and unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with this illness for long enough that I know that this feeling will end, and I know how to somewhat manage it. But, if she were to say that to someone else.. I just worry that it could end someone’s life. Anyway, that’s all. I’m sure no one will even read this. K bye Edit: I’m really happy this post caused some awesome conversations hopefully made people feel less alone in the fact that you can be depressed about nothing. 🥰

this!!! my worst depressive episode seemed to happen basically overnight. literally it was like fine one day, awful the next. and then when it ended, it was overnight as well. just so difficult to explain that nothing happened, yet I am still depressed.

My depression has been doing so good, I’m so proud. But my mom passed away last night of pulmonary veno occlusive disease. Really needing positivity in these trying times. Thank you so much <3

it’s going to be ok buddy. i’m here for you and i’m sure everyone else on this sub is. you just have to be strong. not the strongest in the world, but the strongest person YOU can be. your mom would love that.

i’m just tired of being someone i’m not fuck everything

The sad thing is they don't really care in my experience.

Dreams are always fantastical situations for me. They're strange and whatever, but there's always a new one and I'm excited to get out of reality. Plus I don't have to consciously do anything, but it still feels like I did everything.

I know how you feel. I have insomnia as well as depression. I just recently went through three days of hardly any sleep, and no dreams that I remember. Last night, I slept HARD. Felt like a life time of dreaming. When I woke up, I was actually a little sad. My dreams most of the time aren't stressful, life however....

i wish i could still be motivated throughout the day.

Every god damn day

I’ve felt better these past few months. A lot better, great even. But this Christmas it’s like... I can’t bring myself to care for the Holidays - and it’s my favourite Holiday. I can’t explain it. My family lives two hours away and I almost didn’t go, just because I wanted to be alone in my apartment, doing absolutely nothing. But I’m a single child, my parents are single children, all my grandparents are dead - it’s just us three. They’re getting old, too. I couldn’t just *not* go. They would have been so sad and I don’t want that. But I’m just empty and miserable and it’s Christmas so I have to put up a front, a nice dress and be nice. Gosh this is hard. Merry Christmas. Edit: wow, you guys know how to make someone feel special and a little less alone. Thank you, kind strangers! ❤️

Merry christmas you too

one day where i don't have to apologize for existing, one day where i can just exist instead of vowing to do better, to improve, to work harder, to be worthy my whole life is a stupid apology.

I feel this so hard. My life has been a constant loop of fucking up, apologizing for not having the correct reaction, and then repeating the same shit for years. I hope you have a better day today

This has probably happened hundreds of times in my lifetime. I'm 50 now, so obviously I haven't succumbed to depression yet. But the peaks and valleys are insane; I guess *I'm* insane. Yesterday it fully made sense to me - if I had had immediate means to end my life I could see taking that action. This is why I can never have a gun, or live in a tall building. So far that small voice in me that says "It will get better, just wait" has remained more powerful than the other larger, louder voice that says "You've always been alone. You'll always be alone. Life isn't worth the pain." My reality is having both of those voices in my brain, and feeling that both are absolutely real when they're there.

I'm only fine after I obtained that suicide method and I know that I do have a way out if things get worse than they really are.

My depression has depression bro. A lot of the time I doubt that I have a mental illness, and blame myself for being incapable of doing normal things. I feel empty all the time, yeah, I have a diagnosis, yeah, but I still manage to doubt myself anyways. It almost feels like it’s normal to feel empty. It’s strange when people tell me they can do their school work, have a job, and feel happy by second nature. It seems like feeling this way is normal, but I also feel like I’m alone in this? It’s weird. I tell myself things like, “this isn’t because of the depression, it’s because you’re worthless and incapable of doing anything.” I tell myself that this is an excuse to sit in bed and do nothing. But deep down I would give anything in the world to feel happiness. I hope this isn’t just me. Like deadass, I don’t know if I’m the only person who feels like this. And if I am that’s just gonna scare me.

I'm depressed because I'm a bad person and I'm a bad person because I'm depressed

I don’t wanna end it all, but I’m just tired of living. Like each day kind of feels pointless. I feel exhausted just thinking about doing the same thing every day. I’m not happy and feel no purpose. It’s like I want it to be the next day, and the next day comes, and I’m wishing it was the next. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just existing and not living. Am I going through a phase? Anyone else feel the same way? What helps?

Honestly, it may sound repetitive but I truly wish I could disappear without hurting anyone. I just want to not exist.

So this happened about 5 months ago but I found out about it this morning right after she broke up with me. We had been dating just about a year and I genuinely loved her with all my heart. I trusted her so much and she knew I have severe depression. I cant understand how another human can be that shitty. Anyone willing to talk? EDIT: just found out she cheated on me with another guy too. She's completely blaming it on me despite me treating her nothing but great while we dated. Back to feeling terrible again, just after the responses to this post made me actually feel pretty good :')

Fuck em both, sorry for the language but you deserve better. I know you are able to be strong enough to continue, and I assure you that you will find someone who will actually treat you well in the future.

Finally opened up a little to my teacher about how I was feeling and she told me I was childish and "giving off helpless vibes" It's alright, I guess I agree with her, I just wish she hadn't told the whole class that "your feelings are valid and you have to talk about them" etc etc, because she clearly doesn't care and I feel stupid now. Never again.

Yep. These people simply don't get it.

I was doing well until last week when I started sleeping 12 hours again, not eating then over-eating, feeling exhausted at the idea of a shower, crying, being irritable, all of the textbook signals of depression. I’m pushing my partner away and isolating again. I’ve been suddenly reminded depression never goes away, it just lays dormant until it decides to come back, at least in my case. I get my hopes up that I’ve “figured it out,” and am brutally reminded that I haven’t and never will. I’m just tired & very, very sad. I’m sorry for complaining. Edit: WOW, I did not expect this many people to resonate so strongly with this. Thank you to all who have contributed to the discussion. :)

Honestly feel the exact same way. It just never truly leaves. You just slowly give up on doing basic everyday shit.

I literally don’t want to do anything at all. It doesn’t bring me any happiness or joy or whatever. At best, just distracts me from feeling shitty. Absolutely nothing helps. Video games, writing, reading, doing photography, drawing... none of that makes me happy. It’s the absolute fucking WORST. I don’t even feel like sleeping, but I don’t wanna be awake either. I go to bed before 7pm because I have nothing else I wanna do. All I do is lie in bed and listen to miserable songs and cry, then I go to sleep, wake up and repeat. I hate living. I hate this existence. I wish I could just die in my sleep. EDIT: This got a lot more attention than I thought so I just wanna day that I’m reading all your comments and I love you all

I feel the same way. I spend the week-end all alone in my dark room. Twitter, Reddit, Twitter again. Everyone around me seems so happy. But me... I can't remember the last time I was interested at something. I used to make music, to go out with friends, to play video games, read comics. Now I have maybe 2, 3 friends. I barely speak to my family, I do nothing. I ruined everything. I feel like I can't be happy anymore. And I am only 27...

I try and do anything and everything all day. I can't be alone with my thoughts so my objective is to do as much as I can to keep busy. Every evening I'm exhausted, emotionally drained and still depressed. I feel like I'm beating back a relentless force. I feel like I've been robbed of being proud of the little things I do like washing my face or baking because I do that anyway so it's not like I can be proud of the effort I've put in. My biggest fear is waking up and not having anything to do, just be in my head. Fortunately I'm able eat, brush my teeth and do things every day and to the outsider I look like I'm doing really well but I'm struggling a lot. Before this there was a year of staying in bed and not doing anything but now that I'm doing things everyday I feel even more hopeless. It's proof that even if I'm proactive in my life I feel as shit as I would if I did fuck all.

Yeah. People think you don't need help because you look normal. Even the therapists think so :/ I'm only functioning because I need to look normal to fit in the crowd and it's so exhausting.