instruction
stringlengths 7
18k
| response
stringlengths 5
2.82k
|
|---|---|
A few years old but I still think about it with horror and laughter so here yall go
I (24f) had my sister (30f) over for a bit and we sat in my room just chatting while I folded clothes.
When she went to sit down on my bed, I immediatly remembered I had left my vibrator under the sheets where she was about to plop down.
No time to react, just realization then her face changed and we heard a silent *brrrrrrrrr*
She just looked at me and reached under the sheets, promptly yeeting my vibrator across the room.
This isn't the first time my siblings and I have run across each other's toys so we kind of laughed it off but the quick change from confusion to horror on her face sticks with me till this day.
TLDR - My sister sat on and turned on my vibrator then kobe'd it across my room
ETA - Yes the vibrator is fine, it's a shibari halo and very resilient
Sorry for using the wrong verb I guess
And my sister was more shocked than anything which prompted the throwing. | >This isn't the first time my siblings and I have run across each other's toys
It's time to start hiding those things a little better. |
This happened yesterday, but anyways here goes.
Yesterday, there was a Magic the Gathering tournament at my local hobby shop. My girlfriend decided to tag along and come support me. I ended up doing pretty poorly (1-3), but the hobby shop gave out a consolation prize of a random foiled uncommon card. The card that I received was called "Thought Erasure" and immediately held the card up to my girlfriend and said "AND I CAST THOUGHT ERASURE, BE GONE THOT!" as a joke, but said it pretty loudly. The shop is pretty small and a lot of people caught wind of my act and needless to say my girlfriend was very embarrassed. We're home now and she still hasn't spoken to me. I'm fucked boys.
Tl;DR: Casted Thot Erasure on my girlfriend and now I'm afraid it may have worked.
Update: Girlfriend broke up with me. :(
| “Update: Girlfriend broke up with me. :(“
So the spell worked... |
This happened to me 21 years ago!So, halfway through grade 4, my family and I moved from Texas to Colorado. To help me get accustomed to my new classmates and not be overwhelmed on my first day, my teacher had me come in early and sit at my desk while the other students came in. While I was nervously awaiting the arrival of my new classmates my teacher walked over and gave me a warning.
“Now, the girl in front of you is a dork. Please don’t make fun of her.”
Hearing this, the nine-year-old me instantly came to this poor girl’s defence. The teacher had just called her a dork, and I thought this was extremely mean. So I tried to help this unmet girls aid by showing our camaraderie to the teacher:
“That’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I used to be one too!” After admitting this to my teacher I was suddenly overcome with a fear that teacher would think of me as a dork forever, abandoning my plan of trying to help this girl I quickly added, “But then I grew out of it.”
The teacher gave me the most puzzled look I have ever seen and seemed like she was about to say more but decided against it and left.All the kids came in and sat down at their desk and I looked up at the girl in front of me and realized I had misheard what my teacher said. The girl wasn’t a dork; she was a dwarf. I had just told the teacher I used to be a dwarf, but I had grown out of it.
tl;dr Misheard the teacher and then told her I used to be a dwarf but grew out of it.
Edit: I got Gold! Thanks kind person! :D
Edit: And a silver! Thank you! :D
I'm glad my mistake paid off 21 years later and become my most upvoted post! xD | I'm pretty sure you unintentionally became the most clever 4th grader in history. |
This actually happened a few days ago, but I am now finally able to talk about it without dying of embarrassment!!
The other day my stomach was acting funky. I didn’t think about it too much because my stomach always acts funky because I haven’t had my gallbladder for 5 years now.
That night my fiancé and I decided to sleep nude. Around 3AM I woke up to an upset stomach. I felt something wet in my bed, but just assumed it was sweat. When I went to the bathroom it was straight butt piss. While I was in there, I realized why my bed was wet. I had shit my bed. And then came another realization. I had to clean up my bed, and wake up my fiancé and tell him what happened and why I had to change the sheets.
I woke him up and told him was happened. I was about to cry I was so embarrassed. This man has seen me at my literal worst, but nothing could beat this. I felt so nasty. I kept apologizing because it was so early and it was absolutely disgusting. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “Its okay, babe!! Shit happens!” 🤦♀️
Update: I am going to marry this man for sure lol. We are getting married October 14, 2023.
I have recently taken a pregnancy test and we are not expecting unfortunately lol. But we also have 2 very beautiful girls that we are thankful for.
I am definitely going to talk to my doctor about what’s been going on since I got my gallbladder removed now that I know it’s not normal.
TL;DR: I had an upset stomach and shit my bed in the middle of the night. I had to wake up my fiancé to clean the bed and he told me “it’s okay, babe. Shit happens” | He’s a keeper. |
Last night, after meeting a girl on tinder, I ended up at her place. As the two of us were making out on her bed, she wanted to know if I ever mixed sex with shrooms. I shrugged and said I've never done drugs, period. She looked at me like "ooooooooh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit".
Fast forward to her feeding me an unknown quantity of shrooms and telling me how mindblowing the sex will be. I've got no idea when I switched from sober to losing my shit, but there I was, staring at the words on my t-shirt slowly melting away.
My tinder date, who was now in full fuck mode, wasn't wasting any time undressing me. However, my attention was elsewhere. There was a hula hoop in the room that I didn't notice before. I couldn't help but stand up and use it. My tinder date couldn't stop laughing at me hula hooping with no pants on. Not gonna lie, I was living my best life at that moment. I never wanted the hula hooping to stop.
My tinder date was not about that life though. Eventually she grew tired of watching me hula hoop and pulled me back to bed for some fucky fucky. We made out for like 30 seconds before I ended up hula hooping again. My tinder date got frustrated and tossed the hula hoop in the closet. She took off her bra and asked if I wanted to play or hook up.
I said hula hoop.
She thanked me for wasting her time and her mushrooms before asking me to leave. Now I have to live with the fact that I chose hula hooping over sex.
TL:DR Went home with a girl. Cockblocked myself with a hula hoop. | She wasted her own time by suggesting you, uninitiated to shrooms or drugs in general, get high and then expecting you to not be a little distracted by the trip. The fuck did she expect lol. It was also irresponsible of her to ask you to leave when you were still tripping balls. |
I'm a grad student teaching for the first time. Public-speaking anxiety up the wazoo, so I decided to memorize my 17 students' names and faces before the first day of class.
By Wednesday of the second week, I had everyone's FACE down pat. But everything else in the classroom was an adrenaline-filled blur.
On that day, students were picking out an advertisement to analyze (flashback to freshmen college English class, everybody). When I opened up the discussion, I was surprised when one of quieter students (let's call him David) told me he'd already chosen his ad.
Me, "That's great, David, which one did you choose?"
David, "The Wounded Warrior ad."
Me, cheerfully oblivious, "And why did you choose that one, David?"
The classroom suddenly goes silent. No one's rustling papers or texting under their desk anymore. I realize every single wide eye in the classroom is staring at me or glancing uncomfortably at David. David looks at me, and shifts his legs. His legs. With numbing horror, I register the glint of metal between his sneakers and the hem of his jeans. David doesn't have any legs. In my state of stage-fright, I'd somehow missed that one of my students is a double-amputee.
The silence in the classroom deafens.
Finally, David, quietly - "I lost my legs in the Army, ma'am."
TL;DR - Failing to notice his missing legs, I publicly questioned my (Army vet) student's choice to write about the Wounded Warrior Project.
**Edit**: Many incredibly kind people are saying this wasn't a fuck up. But I should have noticed. I walk around and interact with every student. Sure, maybe I accidentally treated David \*just like any other person,\* but he got embarrassing unwanted attention from everyone in the room because I was an idiot. But many thanks for the kindness. | Honestly I'm sure he's probably happy that you knew his name but didn't really notice anything else about him. Everyone else was super sensitive to the fact that he's "other". You just treated him like any other student. |
I am trying to link back to my original post, but I can’t figure it out on mobile — please someone help.
EDIT: I figured it out, that ass to the dozen or so people who posted links : )
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/kzifz4/tifu_by_complimenting_my_dates_butt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for all the comments, not to mention all of the perspectives I definitely did not consider.
A few clarifications:
I haven’t dated since before dating apps were a thing and I was married for 7 years so please give me some grace for being Very Bad At This.
We went on an outdoor date (a walk on the boardwalk near where we live) and didn’t so much as hug. Wore masks anytime we were close to other people (turns out not many people walk outside at night when it’s 40 degrees, though).
Both he and I have kids, so the “single mom, run for the hills” thing goes both way, right?
My intended text wasn’t the exact phrase “thanks, you’re great” — I think that would be super rude! I would have been kind and appropriate (had I not instead just written “that ass” but, here we are.)
No, I don’t know why my phone autocorrected to “that ass.” I am glad it makes people think I have a much more interesting life and Google search history than I do!
Finally, the update:
He sent me back a link to the music video for “Mr. Jones.” I do not know if this was also an accidental text or if I’m missing some symbolism here. Counting Crows fans, please advise.
We then chatted about the Cleveland Browns as if nothing weird had happened.
In any case, I decided the universe (and Reddit) was facilitating enough rom-com vibes (and “don’t be so quick to judge” comments) that I might as well go on one more date with a nice, friendly dude, with, for what it’s worth, a pretty decent butt.
Tl;dr I am seeing that ass again. | Is he a bit shy? Mr Jones was written about guys that are too shy to talk to women and wishing they were successful because it would make it easier. Maybe he wasn't expecting your comment and it is just his shy way of reacting? |
This morning I fancied a bit of me time. I’d done some exercise and was feeling pretty good about myself. I decided to try something different and bring my vibrator into the shower with me. Kill two birds with one stone and all that! Mistake number 1.
I soaped myself off and fired up my toy. The vibration is quite quiet so I could enjoy myself without my partner in the next room knowing. I decided to lift my leg to get better ahem access... the shower is a small cubicle so not much room for movement so I rested my sole against the wall in front of me and leaned back on the wall behind me. Mistake number 2.
As things heated up, I seemed to forget where I was. The stream of the hot water and sensational vibrations eventually drove me to the edge. My standing leg began to tremble but I didn’t think too much about it, until the big O hit. I don’t know if was just the difference in location or feeling of standing up masturbating that threw me off, but it was a veryyyy strong orgasm and I felt lightheaded. I must have lost balance because next thing I know the foot beneath me slid forward suddenly and I’m clattering to the shower floor. I hit my head, tried to grab anything at all, knocked the stuff off the shelf and must have cried out a little.
With all the commotion, my partner came running. Before I could say I was ok don’t come in he ran into the bathroom to help me. It took him a good few seconds to see my vibrator and stared at my crumpled corpse putting two and two together. Needless to say his look of concern turned to amusement as he burst out laughing at my solo shower sex fail.
I’m ok! My lower back and elbow hurts a bit from how hard I hit the floor and I have a slight headache but I think I’ll survive. He’s taking care of me in between our hysterics. Heed my warning, guys, play safe in the shower. Don’t be like me and have an orgasm which literally knocks you off your feet.
Tl;dr tifu by trying to be sneaky and play with myself in the shower but instead slipped and made it a bigger deal than it needed to be. | Quick pro tip: if you're gonna have fun in the shower turn the temperature of the water down. People tend to cook themselves in the shower and then the rapid spike in body temp from doing the deed causes you to get light headed/faint cause you're getting too hot.
Source: have had my fair share of shower shenanigans. |
*Throwaway because only Reddit can know that my life is written and directed by Adam Sandler.*
**List of fuck ups I've experienced so far - the 2019 issue:**
1.
Mispronounced my new girlfriend's name when I introduced her to old friends of mine.
2.
Dropped an F bomb during an important job interview when I accidentally bit my own tongue.
3.
Ignored my broken tooth for weeks and ended up in hospital with inflamed and infected gums.
4.
Changed my Instagram name to @onetruegenuis and realized I misspelled 'genius' when several of my friends and colleagues jumped on the chance to point out the irony of my illiteracy.
5.
Unknowingly opened a dick pic sent to me from my father who thought he was sending that shit to my mom.
6.
Speaking of dick, somehow drunk me managed to get his poor balls stuck on his zipper twice in one night (the second time I had to call my best friend for a helping hand: I said no homo, he did not).
7.
Took a random ride on my younger cousin's BMX bike, sat my ass down mid-ride, and was painfully reminded there was nothing but exposed steel to fucking sit on (tl:dr got butt raped by BMX).
8.
Suffered an asthma attack while masturbating in the shower and almost blacked out while waiting for my dick to defuse before I had the courage to call my roommate for my inhaler.
9.
Visited my sister in law who told me not to freak out if her pet bird decides to fly over to sit on my shoulder. The bitch fucking flew like 10 seconds later and I freaked the fuck out. I dodged the damn bird on instinct and inadvertently caused it to fly face first into the window behind me. It survived, but my sister in law made damn sure I didn't.
*To be continued.*
**TL:DR A statement no one asked for reflecting half my fuck ups in half a year** | Based off of this post I’ll be surprised if you make it to the end of the year |
As with most things this happened last week. I'm currently deployed in the middle east. We got off work a little later than expected and missed the galley hours so we stopped at the mini mart on base to grab some food. They have a decent selection mostly just your typical gas station food. So some guys grab cold sandwiches or microwavable burritos, I decided to go for the chef boyardee classic spaghetti and meatballs. Now you have to heat you food at the mini mart because they don't trust us with microwaves in our rooms. You'll understand why soon enough. I put my spaghetti in the microwave and set the timer. We are just bullshiting in the mini waiting for our food when all of a sudden a loud bang what sounded like a gunshot goes off behind us and without skipping a beat there were 4 marines M16s raised yelling at everybody to get down as they make their way through the shop clearing the isles straight towards us. That's when I realized I forgot to remove the metal top from the spaghetti. I had to show them the inside of the microwave now covered in spaghetti sauce and meatballs before they finally relaxed and put their guns down. I ended cleaning the microwave and buying a second chef boyardee.
TL;DR I microwaved a chef boyardee with the metal top on creating a small spaghetti bomb surrounded by a bunch of trigger happy marines Creating a really world close quarters drill. | Uh oh, Spaghetti Os |
so as in every post, this happened several years ago. i will try to keep the story as short as possible
so me and a friend have the great tradition of breaking in a school once a year. we use to go into the school in the evening, then hide in two lockers until everyone left. then we usually have a great time by ourselves drinking and eating snacks.
there have been a few occasions, where really crazy stuff happened, but the wildest one is this:
we just came out of the lockers and wanted to start the party. as we walked down the stairs to get our booze, we saw what we thougt was a dead boby outside the building. to give some context, it was nighttime and winter, so dark and cold af. we are at that point kind of panicking. we cant call the police and tell them where we have seen the body??
so we put a little stone between the door, so we can come in again later, bc we had all our stuff in the school. we go on the roof of the school, where you can go to even when the school is closed. luckily, the body is also visible from there, it lays like on the edge of the roof, but not a roof where you should go, like further down.
so we call the police and tell them we saw a body. a few minutes later, the police, firemen and an ambulance arrive. they get the 'body'. its a boy, around 14 years of age. he is drunk af, cant respond to them and has a broken collarbone and is under normal temperature.
they take him to the hospital and begin to ask us stuff. we lie a lot bc they ask us why we are here, where we have seen him etc. they even brought a detective, who should ask us seperatly, so were in a reeally dumb situation, bc we didnt talk about an alibi.
so we tell them that we really wanna go home, were so tired etc, and they let us go. all the police cars etc are standing right in front of the door we put a stone in between... in a brief moment, we sprint to the door and run inside again, where we drank ourselves to sleep
so yeah turns out the boy was drinking with his friend. his friend fell asleep, meanwhile he fell down the roof. his friend wakes up, cant see him and decides to go home, what left the boy in the cold, asleep/ unconcious.
moral of the story: something a little illegal can save someones life!
TL ; DR i broke in a school, saw a liveless body out of the window, on the roof. had to lie to the police a bit, then snuck inside the school again and drank booze
edit: im a girl from switzerland for those asking | My School's lockers were not large enough to hold a backpack let alone a human. |
A little background: my girlfriend’s family is extremely conservative. Like goes-to-church-twice-every-Sunday-and-never-swears conservative. While they are really nice people, it’s a challenge for my heathen self to successfully endure a whole weekend with them without saying something that brings shame to my name. Onward...
So earlier tonight, my girlfriend’s family decided to play some games together. We settled on Drawful (a game that allows you to draw things from your phone). This is where things go south...
After choosing our character names, you have to draw your character. Seems cool, right? However, this is my first time playing and everyone failed to mention that once you start drawing, YOU CAN’T ERASE. So being the funny guy I am, I draw this huge, veiny dick and secretly show it to my girlfriend in front of me. We have a good laugh because we both knew damn well that her family would be mortified if it showed up on the screen. As a joke, my girlfriend pretends to hit “submit,” on my phone. In reality, she REALLY DID HIT SUBMIT. Next thing I know, my character name pops up on the tv with a huge, contoured schlong. There was no mistaking this beauty, either. I feel my heart skip a beat. I looked around and accidentally make eye contact with her 12-year-old sister, who looks at me with a disappointment unmatched by anything I’ve experience before.
I panic. I try to exit out of the game, but my Dick-asso masterpiece remains in the center of the screen. I stare at my phone to avoid the look from her parents. I try to pretend that I have no idea what happened.
The game starts and every round, without fail, my pork sword drawing makes it way around the screen. I don’t say a single word. The room is uncomfortably silent. I hear the occasional giggle from my girlfriend, and I’m doing my best not to explode inside.
The game FINALLY ends after what feels like a year. I select the new character screen and her dad says, “What? You don’t want to keep your big penis on there? Jesus would be so proud on this Easter weekend.”
Safe to say my girlfriend (more her family) isn’t the one for me.
TL;DR: I played Jackbox’s Drawful with my girlfriend’s family. I joking drew a huge dick as my character and my girlfriend accidentally submitted it. So there I was on the tv, identifiable as a veiny dick in front my girlfriend’s sheltered, conservative family...
EDIT: the comment about her not being the one for me was sarcastic. We’ve been together for almost two years. I’m just mortified to show my face to her dad for a while | Don't judge her based on her family. The fact that she would have that occasional giggle in front of her family with them knowing what she was laughing at says she's a keeper. |
This is a double fuck up.
I have this super sweet but incredibly obnoxious cat, she meows at the top of her lungs in an almost ear drum rupturing yodel that sounds like she's trying to summon a demon. [This is Luna](https://imgur.com/a/HCfC8aL)
She does this basically for every reason possible, food, pets, treats, outside, play time, cuddles you name it. At first we thought she was injured or sick, so we took her to the vet, they told us that she is fine and just naturally talkative, and that we'll have to suffer then he said "now please get her out of here I can't take it anymore" jokingly of course.
So here is the fuck up, I've resorted to saying, *shut up cat!* or just *shut up!*, little did I know that me saying this so many times would cause her to now respond to this as her name. So we now have to call her by ***shut up*** in order to get her to come......... so later down the line my friend came over and I saw my cat and yelled ***shut up!***, and he then looked at me like I was a total asshole, and said, "if I'm annoying you I can just leave" I had to then explain why I said that and we had a pretty good laugh, now I have to figure out what to do about her name.
Edit: Thank you all so meowy much for the awards I really appreciate it, but please give your money to charity instead of me. Nonetheless thank you!
TL;DR: I told my cat to shut up so many times that she thinks it's her name | Hm. My cat thinks his name is "Get your orange ass off the counter" |
This happened last week. I was in a hurry to get to the grocery store pharmacy to pickup a prescription about 20 minutes before work. I pulled into the parking lot, walk through the door, and I hear in an automated, LOUD, voice, “THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT SAFEWAY!”
Slightly startled by the unexpected greeting, I continue to the pharmacy at the back of the store. Multiple times I hear, “WELCOME TO SAFEWAY!” And “THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING YOUR LOCAL SAFEWAY.” And I think to myself how annoying this booming robo greeter was.
After I pickup my script, I grab a couple other quick items and proceed to the U-Scan to check out and I am constantly hearing this booming robo-voice. After I finish at U-Scan and turn to leave I see a manager speaking to the U-Scan clerk and decide to take the opportunity to tell her, “You guys have got to get rid of that robot greeter. That THING is SOOOOOO annoying!”
The manager looks at me like I’m A FUCKING MONSTER and says, “There is NO WAY we are getting rid of Sarah! She isn’t going ANYWHERE!”
Confused and surprised I bit my tongue and gave her a look like like she’s crazy and go to leave, running the confusion through my head, looking down as I walk. Then I go to exit and hear the robo greeter thanking me for shopping, and I look up. Turns out the robo-greeter Sarah is a human woman named Sarah with ALS or some kind of similar Hawking-esque catastrophic disability. She was using a computer tablet attached to her wheelchair to select greeting messages for customers as they enter and exit. My stomach immediately SANK and my face turned red as I walked back out to my car in shock at my own assholery...
TL;DR I told the grocery store to fire their robo-greeter that was actually a severely disabled woman.
EDIT - Just to clarify, I think this is HYSTERICAL now. I find great hilarity at my own blunder, which is why I decided to share. I’m not going to a different store. I have no shame in going back there at all.
Visual Aid - https://imgur.com/a/pH9hxkC | Well, thanks a lot for making me doubt every robo call I get from now on.
I was happy assuming they were all automated scammers, not Sarah trying her best. |
Writing this from the bathroom as I just realized what happened.
Home for the holidays. My family got an Amazon Alexa a couple of years ago, and my parents never quite figured out how to actually make it work. It used to be set up under my account, but when I moved out last year I transferred everything to my mom. It’s in the kitchen, and she mostly uses it for timers while cooking.
Our family likes off-beat Christmas music, and I spent a while some time back curating it all on to a special Spotify playlist for us. We like to listen to it as we have brunch and open presents on Christmas morning.
Here’s where the FU starts. Yesterday I wanted to play a new song I heard for my mom. I couldn’t get the Echo to find it, so I had to connect my phone via Bluetooth. The family all got new phones a month ago, so there were no devices automatically connected. I paired my phone and played the song.
This morning, before a long day of family, small talk, presents and whatnot, I was mentally preparing myself for the day in my childhood bed. You know, relieving some stress.... with videos. Oddly enough none of the videos I stumbled upon had sound. I wrote it off as shoddy sources and finished the deed.
When I came downstairs to say good morning and merry Christmas to the family, my sister greets me with “you need to play the playlist from your phone, I can’t get the Echo to connect to my phone.” “Okay, no problem, I’ll connect my phone.” “I was trying to connect mine, and I think yours is already connected.”
Not sure what my family heard playing over the Echo this morning, but it wasn’t my usual Christmas playlist.
tl;dr paired my new phone to my family’s Echo yesterday. Went to tug one out this morning in my childhood bed, and I’m pretty sure that soundtrack blasted in the kitchen for my family. | Sounds like ya gave them beat-off music instead of off-beat |
Ok so this just happened and can’t I believe it.
Anyways I (26M) was feeling horny, decided to use a cucumber with a condom on as a dildo as I have been staying at my parents house for a while now and did not bring any of my adult toys. I grabbed a cucumber from the fridge, grab my poppers and went to town on my butthole.
After I finished playing with myself, I take off the condom for easy clean up, go discreetly dispose of the evidence and shower to clean myself off. This is where the fuck up begins. I know it’s wasteful but I was going to throw away the cucumber, as it has been shoved up my ass for at least 25 minutes. As I was throwing it away my mom comes in the kitchen to start dinner. First thing she ask me is to hand her the cucumber for her to start cutting for the salad. I pretend to drop it, so I can wash it for use but still. I won’t get the thought I ate my cucumber dildo with my family.
It’s not even a big deal, I made sure to throughly wash it. I was imagining it sliding in and out of my butt
TLDR: my family and I ate my cucumber dildo
Edit since some people are asking, “poppers” is an Inhalant sold at adult stores that make you feel dizzy and light headed for a couple minutes but sex feels amazing.
Edit 2: everyone’s saying I deleted my post history, yeah, my account is a throwaway to share mydeepestdarkest stuff. I delete posts over time to remain anon. Especially when you make front page
Edit:3 since no one believes me shoving a cucumber up my ass, I will go find a nice one tomorrow or a Similar size but plug.
Edit4 since everyone’s hating and saying this a repost, I would love to see a Reddit post like mine, other than a porn clip.
I fucked up, it blew up, I got fucked, deal with it. | You need to have a contingency plan for such things. In that scenario, I would pretend to smell it and tell them it smells shitty and rotten. Then you throw it in the trash and offer to drive to the grocery store.
Also, you shouldn't anally masturbate with anything that doesn't have a flange/base. You may think it's not far up there, but when you cum, your butt muscles can suck it in deeper.this happened to a friend of mine.
Yep, a friend. |
This happened yesterday but I didn't really know how to explain it until know.
It was my university's homecoming this weekend, so everybody was getting super drunk and just having a good time. During the day, my one housemate told me she was gonna be bringing someone home that night which I was totally fine with.
By the time she brought him over, I was in my bed trying to fall asleep. Her room is right beside mine so I was already thinking that I would be able to hear them, but I just figured they would try to be quiet. Once they got to her room, I could hear the bed creaking a couple minutes after. Me being tired and wanting to drown out the noise, I decided "I'll just put on my Bluetooth headphones so I can't hear them." Now usually my phone auto-connects to my headphones, but this time was different. I saw that my phone had connected to something, but didn't bother checking that it was my headphones.
I opened Instagram for a nice nightly browse, only to find out that the first video on my timeline wasn't playing audio. I thought my phone volume was low so I turned it all the way up. I was genuinely confused but began to hear a faint noise through the wall. By the time I realized my headphones weren't playing audio, it was too late; the Monsters Inc. theme started playing extremely loud from the other room. I promptly disconnected my phone and I hear a bang on my wall following a scream of "LEGOGH\_, IS THAT YOU FUCKING WITH MY SPEAKER?!?" I was speechless, I didn't say anything because I couldn't believe what had just happened.
It turns out that earlier in the day, I had connected to her speaker to play music and that's what my phone auto-connected too. After the guy left her room, I tried to explain to her what happened but she is convinced that I intentionally did it. They didn't even finish having sex because I killed the mood, and now she's extremely pissed off at me.
TLDR; accidentally connected to my housemates Bluetooth speaker while she was having sex and I watched a meme with the monsters inc. theme in it
EDIT: she isn't mad anymore, my other housemates brought it up last night and we all had a good laugh
EDIT2: Broke it into paragraphs for an easier read
EDIT3: Also to clarify, it was [the earrape version](https://youtu.be/IRP-2y43BLo) of the theme song | How could he leave after hearing the monster inc theme? My testosterone would increase tenfold. |
There's not really much back story apart from the fact that my daughter was a breach baby and wouldn't turn. Due to various complications, we had opted for a planned C-section. The whole thing in general was just really bizarre, like, you pick your kid's birthday just like that! Anyway, my wife and I tend to be goofy, fun loving folk that's always up for a laugh. We do a lot of silly things together to make each other laugh, though as with most men, I tend to meander into the dumber territory more often as you will soon hear;
On the day of the birth, just as we were about to leave to the hospital, I picked up this fishbowl style lamp shade (looked something like [this](https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/images/products/jakobsbyn-pendant-lamp-shade-clear-glass__0683771_PE720859_S5.JPG?f=s)) we hadn't yet put up onto my head because "we're boldly going where neither of us have gone before". I just saw it on my way to the door and didn't really think it through, so I immediately regretted this decision when my giant ears, my nose and hair (got down to my ass length hair that was in a loose bun) ended up blocking my head in this thing and I couldn't get it off. We tried for a bit, and my wife was understandably over it pretty quick because we were going to be late for our baby appointment, so I made the executive decision to not make the situation any more stressful than it should've been (too late) and to just drive to the hospital with this on my head and hope that someone at the hospital might have some idea what I should do.
As you can imagine, the car ride was a real mix bag of emotions for us all.
We arrive, I do the walk of shame into the maternity ward with this bubble on my head holding my wife's hand and there's this older nurse who greeted us and I could see her dinner plate eyes just screaming "what the fuck..."and my wife jokingly said "....Yep! I'm having *his* baby!" to which literally all the midwives in the maternity ward that could see us walk up the corridor just start howling with laughter and whoever was not visible poked their heads round the corner to see this fucking spectacle. My wife was then ushered into a room where they monitored the baby and her. A nurse (who was this massive, buff tattooed dude, by the way, so imagine that) took me to another one of those inspection rooms and got the thing off with some sort of lube/gel.
Anyway, 4 hours later, we had a healthy baby and I got hazed by some of the older midwives. It was really good fun in the end. Wouldn't recommend, but it definitely beats any other birth story I've heard AND broke the ice with most of the staff.
**TL;DR: I got a bowl shaped lamp shade stuck on my head and had to take my wife to the hospital to have our baby whilst I had the bowl removed.**
P.S. For those of you wondering how I got it on in the first place, here's some handy dandy instructions in case you want to give it a go; get the bun in first, then move downwards over the ears, the nose and then push down until the ears get into the rim. The bun will smoosh up inside and move downwards a bit and voila! You're a jackass!
​
Edit: Eish. Glad you guys found this so amusing. I don't know what these awards do, but I've never gotten one on my main before, so thanks for handing them to me. Also, thanks for all being so swell. I honestly was expecting people to just call me an idiot, but I've gotten some really lovely messages from some of you. | “Voila, you’re a jackass” best part |
Obligatory it happened a month ago.
I started hooking up with this guy from Tinder. He lives with his brother in an apartment, and his mother comes occasionally to spend time with them.
We decided to indulge in a little herb smoking one Saturday night. The munchies kicked in around 2AM so we made some potato wedges in the air fryer. Came back and spooned to sleep.
I wake up the next morning, with his morning wood pressed to my butt. This, for some reason turned me on and we proceeded to have lazy spooning sex at 6:30AM.
Midway through it, we heard his apartment's main door open. Tinder dude stopped and got up, confused. I was still lying on the bed, wearing his t-shirt and boxers, which were pulled down to my knees. Ass visible, in all it's glory.
Now I was still under the impression that his room's door was locked. I was wrong. His mother opened the door and I swear she had the same expression as the shocked Pikachu meme. :o
She immediately closed the door. I ran to the washroom and got dressed, and hid inside for a good 20 minutes trying to figure out if jumping from the washroom window would be a good escape plan or not.
Turns out she came early to take the dog (who was in the same room as us the entire time) for her vet appointment.
I left as soon as she left.
She later had a conversation with her 22 year old son about consent, and respecting women. She asked him if I was his girlfriend, to which he had to explain his very catholic mother that "we're just two friends trying to figure things out".
Spoiler: we ended up dating. Thankfully his mother joked it off the next time we met saying "hi, I'm *****, Tinder guy's mom. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself the last time we met." (Chuckles).
Tl;dr: Tinder date and I got too baked and forgot to lock the room. Woke up the next morning to pip pip the diddly doo and got walked in on by the dude's mum. And that's the story of how my now SO's mom saw my bare ass before she could see my face first.
PS: we never ate the wedges and he found them lying in the air fryer a week later.
Edit: thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
Edit 2: holy shit I can't believe this blew up. My account is juuuusssttt 4 days old. Man I love Reddit.
Edit 3: This one's more like a clarification. I live in a non first world country where it's fairly common for people to live with their parents/for parents to come over. His mom was supposed to pick the dog up to take her to the vet, and was being nice by not wanting to wake her son up. She had the house keys, which is again, fairly normal here. WE were dumbasses.
Calm yer titties Reddit. | Not really you that fucked up, but her. What kind of mother doesn't knock on her son's door?
Doesn't she know what kind of depraved shit she is opening herself up to? |
The fuck up was actually over 12 years ago. But i just found out recently.
I dated a girl when I was about 19. I was a late bloomer and had only been with one girl before that. We had a great time and had tons of fun. We understood each other perfectly.
One day I invited her over and things got pretty hot real quick. I was going down on her and then it happened. I came in my underwear. I was so ashamed and my reaction was to try to hide it. I said i had to go to the bathroom to get the condom (which was true). I cleaned myself up and rushed back.
Now, it takes a while for me to reload. I am like a musket, not a machine gun. So she said now its her turn to please me. My little guy did not react. A combination of nature and shame made it impossible for me to get hard.
Trying to play it cool I told her I was somehow not in the mood and we should just chill for a bit. She said ok but the night was ruined.
After that contact dwindled and she ended up moving.
Almost 13 years later we ran into each other! It was awesome. This girl is great! We are now over 30 and doing very well in life. We hit it off right away and went for a drink.
We started joking about the past and we started talking about that night. She then tells me she really liked me and wanted a relationship with me! She was just so ashamed that she couldnt get me hard and thats why she didn't contact me anymore! Fml. I started laughing and told her the truth, i jizzed my pants while going down on her. After that we couldn't stop laughing.
Unlucky for me, she has a boyfriend and was moving to his country in the next days.
So bois, if you jizz your pants, be honest about it! Girls might be flattered!
Tldr; jizzed my pants while going down on a girl i really liked. Tried to hide it from her. Couldn't get hard for sex. She thought I didnt like her because I couldn't get hard. | A song comes on that reminds me of you and I
Jizz in my pants |
The wound is still fresh so bear with me.
**The Discovery**
I had a rough day and my fiancé's algorithms are top notch, so I was scrolling through his apps to entertain myself hoping for a pick me up. He went to take a shower. I opened his Instagram (got bored with Reddit, so sorry) and noticed he had a couple new dms. We don't snoop through each other's phones, but we don't hide anything either (or so I thought) so I clicked on them just to see if they were important because he doesn't check Insta that often.
WELL. I see the dms are from a deleted account???, thus sparking my interest. So I click, and I scroll. Messages go *years* back--maybe twenty to thirty messages total. Some winky faces, some slightly sexual memes, and a few photos of lingerie. Nothing outright incriminating but... *who is this bitch*? My heart dropped. We're getting married in less than five months. These messages aren't okay. He's not a cheater??? Never once have I questioned that, nor has he given me any reason to. I start to see red.
**The Confrontation**
I put on my big girl pants, wipe my tears, and storm into the bathroom. Rip open the shower curtain, revealing this idiot's (albeit glorious) naked body. He, though quite startled, raises his eyebrows and smirks. "Looking to join?" He says. Wrong move buddy.
I go off. You know, like a badass.
He denies it. You know, like a liar.
I hold his towel hostage and toss him his phone so he can see for himself. He scrolls and pulls off this wildly confused demeanor. I literally see the blood leave his face. He just kinda says stuttering "...baby I don't know?"
We go back and forth. He swears up and down he has no idea who this could be. "I'm just as surprised as you are!!!" He claims, criminally. So, I take his phone so I can quote this "other woman" for emphasis.
**The Reveal**
I ready my best valley girl voice and scroll to the most recent received messages. I notice for the first time, inconveniently so, a picture *she* sent of a Guinea pig. I think, "Aw hell, I love Guinea pigs." Then I remember... *I have seen this Guinea pig before*.
Then I realize. *She* is me.
I deleted all my social media almost a year ago. Neither of us remembered any of the messages we sent. I start laughing and happy crying. My fiancé looks as if he just won the lottery and received the death penalty simultaneously.
**The Aftermath**
Now we sit, *both* recently showered, debating whether or not we should welcome a Guinea pig into our family. I am so embarrassed. He is so relieved. We are crazy, stupid, and so in love.
TLDR; Found cheating-indicating messages on my fiancé's phone. Turns out it was my old deleted account. I'm an idiot. He's a keeper.
Edit: Didn’t wanna edit because I didn’t wanna make the hate worse. My fiancé commented somewhere in here a few minutes ago, I just picked up my phone & WOW was not expecting all this. I did apologize to him fully, and I’m sorry I didn’t know I should’ve included that. Most posts I read on here don’t usually include a full resolution. I wrote this quickly not expecting it to blow up. Looking back I would’ve changed a lot of my wording. I could defend myself for a lot of things but that likely wouldn’t help. All of this story is true, it was so odd which is what prompted me to post it. He’s not leaving me, there’s so much more to our lives than this. I didn’t assault him. We are naked at home more than we’re clothed. You’re all not in my relationship, but I can tell you that him being in the shower was not a violating aspect. He was annoyed, but not hurt or degraded. I’ve never blown up like this & intend never to again. I’ve also never worried or accused him before of cheating. This was my first experience and I didn’t know how to handle it. I understand concern for him but there’s no reason to say I deserve xyz. Not sure how to prove this story is true? But think what you will. I didn’t mean to sound so cavalier; I wasn’t very conscious of my tone of voice. I always write dramatically but understand that if you don’t know me it’s different. Wasn’t expecting to be called psychotic. Lastly thanks to the few commenters who left Guinea pig info.
Final edit only for clarity bc it got worse after my first: His comment said this but it’s lost. He handed me his phone. He goes on Instagram maybe once or twice a year? We have an open phone policy. I didn’t snoop because our boundaries are: I don’t look at texts with his mom, brother, or therapist. He doesn’t look at my texts with my sister, brother, therapist, or best friend. I don’t have social media besides Reddit & he’s rarely active on his. To my knowledge, the boundaries we set have never been broken by either of us.
The lingerie pics weren’t of me. They were pics he sent to me that he thought I’d like.
I wrote this using the exact language of my thoughts in the moment. Sorry if it’s cringy but it’s accurate for what I was feeling/thinking. I’m not a creative writer & I’m not trying to be.
And disclaimer: if you keep stigmatizing mental illness like you are I’m going to delete this if I can. I’m not here for karma I’m here cause today I fucked up. It’s absolutely horrible to use illnesses to describe behavior in such hateful ways, please think about the people you could hurt, besides me, who might read your hate & feel shame because of it. | Just wait until after the wedding you realize he sleeps *every damn night* with an ex-gf. Also you. |
For those of you that are as unaware as I am, don’t wear shorts, flip flops, or hats into court. I went to go pay a ticket (expired tags) at my scheduled time and saw “NO SHORTS, FLIP FLOPS, HATS, UNTUCKED SHIRTS...” in bold letters on the door. Fortunately for me, the front desk had extra slacks on hand for this very thing. Unfortunately for me, the slacks were a size 32, and I haven’t been a size 32 since high school... I’m a big guy who’s been “blessed” with thick thighs (heard they’re in style). These slacks were so tight, I couldn’t zip them past the first rung. All I could do was throw my belt on, cinch it tight, and throw my shirt over it all to hide the undesirables. These things looked like yoga pants on me.
I’d guess about 30 people were in the court room, spread out amongst the benches. I was capable of slipping behind everyone without them seeing and sitting on the back bench. One lady enters right before go time and asks me to scoot back so she could get by. I said “Ma’am, if I bend my legs I’ll bust these pants wide open.” She looks down, sees my pants and starts snickering, then steps over me.
After the judge said his speech, he began to call people 1 by 1 as they said their plea. He allowed us to stand where we were and shout our plea towards him (WIN). Everyone before me requested a conference. I was fourth to be called.
Judge: “QTVain how do you plea?”
Me: “Guilty, sir. I would just like to pay my ticket.”
Judge: “Alright, that’s 100 dollars, please step up to the front, sign this document and the officer will escort you to the cashier.”
Me: *panicking* “Uh yes, sir”
As I’m waddling up to the front, it really dawned on me that I looked like a bum off a three day bender. Flip flops (that were clearly not allowed), the tightest pants you’ve ever seen on a man, and an untucked t-shirt. I’m starting to hear people fighting back laughter as I walk by every damn bench.
Judge: “Didn’t meet the dress code huh?”
Me: “Sir, these people behind me know more about my body than I do right now. I’d really like to pay my ticket and go.”
Judge: “Ha, fair enough. Get outta here.”
I waddled out of there as quickly as I could and threw my shorts on in the bathroom. Told my wife what happened when I got home. “Yah I thought it was weird you went into court with shorts, I was going to tell you but forgot.”
“Thanks babe.”
TL;DR Check your local courts dress code before attending. I didn’t, and wore the wrong attire.
Edit: Hey y’all, I get it. I should have thought about it. I’m just your standard law-abiding citizen who has never experienced the inside of a courtroom before. Can we not be so hostile? I was just trying to show the judge a little leg.
Edit 2: I’m trying to respond to all of y’all asking me questions. To further clarify, I thought I had to show up to the courthouse to pay the ticket, I didn’t actually believe I had to see the judge. I was headed to work after the visit, and my job has a really, really lax dress code. Hope this helps, my fingers are getting tired.
Edit 3: Thank y’all for the gold! I’ve honestly enjoyed chatting with so many of you. Reddit, you’re beautiful (even the random little shit stains that comment). I tried to respond to as many of you as I could. My fingers are actually hurting now. I’ll comment more tomorrow. | > “NO SHORTS, FLIP FLOPS, HATS, UNTUCKED SHIRTS...”
Remove your shorts, flip flops and hat. Tuck in your shirt in your underwear and you have complied to the dress code. |
This wasn't today, this was actually a few months ago.
I get a lot of pimples on my face, not a lot at once, just usually 1 or 2 that will last a week or so until I pop them or they go away.
Every so often I get painful under-skin pimples, to the point you can actually see the lump in my skin, but no pimple/red/white head. I usually get them near my nose or on my neck, but this time I got one right next to my ear.
Unlike previous ones, this one was not only extremely painful, it was also ridiculously big, I couldn't stand to see it when I looked in the mirror. It had been over a week and it showed no signs of coming to the surface, and it was giving me bad headaches and earaches so I decided to try and pop it under the skin.
It took about an hour of unbearably painful squeezing but I finally heard a little *squish* and had instant pain relief. It was still quite sore but it no longer felt like it was going to erupt out of my face.
Fast forward 2 days later, I was riding my bike about 25km/h on the hill past my house when all of a sudden I just fell off the bike and slid down the road on my side (leaving a considerable amount of my skin behind)
I had no idea why I had fallen as I wasn't turning, or doing anything unusual. I hobbled home and put some antiseptic on my road rash and slept all afternoon. The next day I went to the doctor to get the road rash treated and dressed properly, while I was there he asked something that prompted me to tell him about my "ear pimple" situation.
He checked my ear and told me that I had in fact not popped a pimple, but my preauricular lymph node, causing an infection in my ear which is why I had lost balance on my bike.
I was off my bike for about a week before I started riding again (and then I stacked it and tore my MCL, but that's another story)
TL;DR: I thought I was popping a painful pimple, but actually popped my preauricular lymph node causing an ear infection which then resulted in me badly stacking my bike | AAAAAGHHH!!!! |
We've been together a year and some change. Live together. She uses a flip phone for reasons that are too long to get into, so she will occasionally use my phone when she needs to check her email or download music.
Back to my dumbass. Im not going to lie yall, I trashed my brain as a teenager. I have issues with memory, short and long. But today I woke up and was chilling for a bit while my girl was at work. Suddenly I thought "Oh shit whats my gf's birthday".
I knew what month it was in, but I couldn't remember if it was the 8th or 9th. Thats okay, I thought, ill go dig around a bit. Surely theres some paper work around the house that has her birthday on it. Spoiler: there wasn't.
Im definitely not asking her friends or family as they'll surely tell her I forgot. So I do what any reasonable guy does, and I Google background check services. Enter her name and city, and for $7.99 I receive an email with every traffic ticket, address, and phone number she's ever had. Most importantly though, her birthday.
I write her birthday down in a safe spot and then go back to chilling. All is well. I'm not a piece of shit boyfriend, what a relief. She gets home, our day is going well, when she asks to use my phone to read her email. I completely obliviously give it to her. She opens it, and immediately she sees a full background check on herself.
I knew exactly what happened once her face changed. She immediately asked why I was back ground checking her, a year into our relationship, and then started getting emotional, asking if I didn't trust her etc..
This is the first relationship I've ever not had trust issues in, so I immediately confess that I am a dumbass, I forgot her birthday, and I paid $7.99 to get it, because her sister and friends would snitch on me. Lol.
Luckily this isn't the first time I've came off as a total moron to her, so she believed me, but she is indeed also a bit upset I forgot her birthday. Next time something like this happens I'm just admitting guilt I think. I'm also sitting here and just realized I could've waited till she was asleep and checked her license....
TL;DR I forgot my gf's bday, background checked her to find it out, then accidentally showed it to her on my phone, causing her to think I don't trust her. | Lol I thought she was going to end up having a lengthy track record and you’d discover she’s a leader of a prominent gang or something. |
Last night my husband and I wanted a special evening so we took some molly. We live with my husband's grandparents so that we can care for them in their old age. Grandpa had just been taken to hospice the day before but we thought he still had a few weeks. Well, about 45 minutes after taking huge doses, we get the call that he has passed and that my husbands entire family is on their way over to the house to console grandma. We are so fucked up when they arrive and all we can do is sit there, drink some water, and try to keep our shit together. We made it through the terrible experience and can only laugh about it this morning. We are thankful for no one noticing how fucked up we were and even more thankful he passed and his suffering is over (he had been sick for a very very long time).
TL;DR We took molly, our grandfather that we live with died like immediately after, then the whole family came over to mourn while we are fucked up | “Oh we’re so sorry for your loss. Why is Swedish House Mafia playing?” |
(Updates at bottom)
I’m actually crying as I write this, so forgive any errors.
As the title says, I got the date mixed up on my flight. I was convinced it was leaving Tuesday morning, and so I spend Monday just cleaning up and packing. I was so sure I didn’t bother to properly check over the dates on the confirmation, only the times.
I booked a flight to go home this month, because the tickets were much more affordable than winter break, and my budget is tight. I was so excited to go home, because I haven’t seen my family in months, and this week would have been the longest stretch of time. But I DIDN’T CHECK THE DATE PROPERLY. I’m so stupid.
Before heading to bed, I checked my email once more to look over the flight details and that’s when I noticed two updates, telling me my flight has landed. Thinking it an error, I double checked the confirmation and discovered my massive fuck up.
And here I am now, crying my eyes out after having called the airline only to discover I can’t afford the only available options.
Anyway, thank you for reading.
TLDR; I didn’t check the date on my flight properly, mistakenly believing it to be for the 26th, only to find out hours and hours later that it was on the 25th and I’d missed it.
Edit: Hey everyone! Wow, I did NOT expect this many responses and SO MUCH support. Thank you all so much.
I was trying to fly from Dallas to Sacramento (currently still in Dallas), but because of my FU, that’s not happening. I’m not sure how to provide proof, but I think I should hold myself accountable.
Initially, due to my mental health history and how my family and I can be, I was REALLY shitty about going home (major anxiety, arguments with my sister, etc because who wants to face their family after being diagnosed with x and y and spending time in a psych ward). I didn’t realize how much I wanted it/needed it until universal karma and my own carelessness took that away. I just cried myself to sleep.
All of that to say that while I really appreciate everyone’s kindness and so much compassion, this mistake is none other than my own. If you STILL want to help, knowing about my initial shitty attitude, then I’ll gladly accept, but your goodwill may be better off with someone who deserves/needs it more.
Again, thank you all for being so supportive and kind.
UPDATE: I’m going home! Thank you everyone for your kindness and love and support. I can’t tell express to you all what this means.
I got help on the condition that I pay it forward through kind acts, and I absolutely will. Thank you all for showing me how much love and kindness there is to share.
Thank you so much TheGrayBeard!
UPDATE 2: I’m home! I’m currently sitting in the back of the car as my family drives me home, sipping on a cup of tea my mom made and brought for me in a thermos.
I just wanted to say thank you again for everyone who extended their love and support to a complete stranger. The positivity was overwhelming, and I will pass the kindness forward every chance I get.
To those who reached out to lend an ear for my mental health, and who thanked me for being open about it, I’m so amazed and grateful for the love in the community of people who struggle themselves and those who want to help.
I’ll try to post a family pic (probably with the faces covered for privacy) when I get a chance.
Finally, thank you again, TheGrayBeard. You are an incredible person who started an entire chain of goodwill. | What airline?
Where you you leaving/going. I work for AC, if it's our booking I'll see what I can do. If not our booking and if you cannot rebook, but it's somewhere we fly, I could pm you a promo code. |
This didn't happen today, but years ago. I worked at an insurance agency. It was a small office with a receptionist and a few insurance producers. We were a tight knit group and would frequently joke around with no subjects being off limits. Not your typical professional environment.
One of the producers, we'll call her Lisa, had a boyfriend named Dick. Lisa was a recent divorcee and her relationship with Dick was very on again off again. At the time this happened, they were fighting and not really speaking.
Around the holidays we did an office grab bag thing. I picked Lisa's name out of the hat. I decided that since she and Dick weren't in a good spot and that she complained about how horny she was all the time, I'd get her a vibrator as her gift. This thing was thick, about 8", black, and had a gold tip.
So we do the grab bag and everyone has a good laugh that Lisa got a vibrator. We're chasing each other around the office with it and having a grand old time. As things die down, it got put on the boss's desk.
Picture the things on a regular office desk...computer, stapler, some files, pens, phone etc... and a big black and gold vibrator. A woman comes in to buy a homeowners policy and says: I have an appointment with Boss. Boss had no idea the vibrator was on his desk until he and the woman went into his office and sat down.
The rest of us in the office immediately realize what was happening and we lost it. There is 0% chance the woman didn't see it. Somehow, Boss was able to stoically make it through the sale unscathed. Neither he or the customer acknowledged the giant gold tipped dong. More so, this was the woman's first house and sales like that usually take a little longer as additional documents are needed for the closing and we would usually take extra time to explain the policy as insurance can be confusing to first time buyers.
The lady leaves and Boss comes out red as a tomato. He's not even pissed because he realizes how funny the situation is...and he still made the sale.
I've always wondered if that woman ever tells the story about buying a homeowners policy with a vibrator on the desk.
Sounds like the story is over.... not quite. Lisa put the vibrator in her glove box. A few days later her 8 year old son was rummaging around in her car, found it, turned it on and walked into her house rubbing it on his face saying: look Mom, I'm shaving!
I think it might have gotten thrown in the garbage after that.
Tl;Dr: put vibrator on boss's desk, he didn't know and conducted business with customer. Then a 8 year old boy thought it was an electric razor and rubbed it all over his face.
Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger(s)!
Matches the vibrator lol. | Maybe the vibrator helped close the deal. |
I am a typical university student just trying to get through finals week. Tonight, after a very stressful day of exams and studying for my ancient literature class, I decided to casually scroll tinder. It had been a while and I just needed to destress. Little did I know, this would cause me more stress than I could have possibly imagined. I swiped right on a girl who was less than a mile away. She was 25, a little older than me but she was super hot and she seemed into me, so I went with it. She invited me over to her apartment, and she said that she had to go in 20 minutes so make it fast. Needless to say, we got straight to business, but about three minutes after we began, we heard the front door open. She told me to stop, so I stopped and we listened. The footsteps came in our direction and I got pretty scared. I expected it would be like when my parents caught me a few years ago with my ex, and it would be embarrassment all around. Not at all. The ancient literature professor, who I absolutely despise, and whose test I was frantically studying for, walked into the room and froze. He saw her, gasped, and then saw my face. His face turned red, and he screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!” I’m pretty sure I lost some of my hearing from how loud he yelled. Anyways I put my shorts on and ran back to my quad. Now, as I lay in bed, all I can think of is how my college professor saw me naked, not just naked but rawdogging his daughter without any clothes at all. He already didn’t like me, and he is a very tough grader… So I already know that I am going to absolutely bomb this final and destroy my GPA. I see him tomorrow at 11 AM… wish me luck and I’ll update with what happens
TLDR: Professor I hate caught me with his daughter and I have his final tomorrow | Final failer, daughter railer |
So this happened a few days ago.
I have a longstanding habit of buying a lottery ticket for the powerball (or megaball ect.) whenever it gets over 300 million. It's overall a very small amount per year and it's just a small investment in fun times from my point of view. Recently the prize was slowly creeping up due to no winners multiple weeks in a row (the prize gets rolled over if there is no winner). It was over a billion last week and I bought a ticket like usual. But I got too busy too take it in too check the numbers.
Here is where I screwed up. I decided to give the ticket to my wife to check. Now she is a sweet lady who has never gambled anything, so she was not familiar with the process. I sent her to a local supermarket with a machine, explained how to scan the card and sent her on her merry way.
A little while later I get a strange text basically saying "you better be sitting down!!", and then a text saying something to the effect of "I'm never coming back to this store again..."
Later I got the full story. She scanned the ticket correctly and the machine announced that she was a winner. A full screen graphic and giant words, the works. She freaked out at the prospect of becoming billionaires (she does not know how much is shaved off for taxes, but that's a different story..), attracting attention in the store. After hyperventilating for a minute or two, she saw that the machine stated to proceed to a checkout counter, she walks over and......found out that she won $2.
She was not aware that if you get one number (or some) in the right place you can win your money back. Anyways after landing back on earth abruptly she left the store mortified at her reaction to winning $2 and now we need to find somewhere else to shop lol
TL;DR Wife did not know that you can win tiny amounts of money for getting one number correct in the lotto, mistakenly thought we became billionaires, based on her reaction in the store she now needs to find a new store to shop at :)
​
​
​ | Most people will never know what it feels like to be a billionaire, but she did... |
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
This literally just happened, I can't tell anyone in real life so i have to share this somewhere.
So it's a standard Saturday night, few drinks hanging out with my boyfriend and decided to move things on. We get to having sex and moved on to anal without preparing. It's a fantasy of his that I lick his dick afterwards, which I don't have issue with, and have done before when we're in the mood (and drunk).
So I gave it one long lick when done, and could feel something like a hair in my mouth. Pulled it out with my finger, turns out it was a worm. A fucking WORM!
Probably worth mentioning that I work with kids so this is a thing i have to deal with semi regularly (kids get worms all the time).
This is the grossest thing that's ever happened to me and we just discovered the biggest mood killer that can exist. Now just sat here both of us grossing out.
TL:DR had anal with my boyfriend, licked him after and got a parasitic worm in my mouth. | TIFU by being literate. |
In a shared hangar with several workshops, my friends and I rented a small space for our knife making enterprise. For a year, our shared kitchen and fridge functioned harmoniously, with everyone respecting one another's food. However, an anonymous individual began stealing my sandwiches, consuming half of each one, leaving bite marks, as if to taunt me.
Initially, I assumed it was a one-off incident, but when it occurred again, I was determined to act. I prepared sandwiches with an extremely spicy Carolina Reaper sauce ( a tea spoon in each), leaving a note warning about the consequences of stealing someone else's food, and went out for lunch. Upon my return, chaos reigned. The atmosphere was one of panic, and a woman's scream cut through the commotion, accompanied by a child's cry.
The culprit turned out to be our cleaner's 9-year-old son, who she had been bringing to work during his school's disinfection week. He had made a habit of pilfering from the fridge, bypassing the healthy lunches his mother had prepared, in favor of my sandwiches. The child was in distress, suffering from the intense spiciness of the sauce. In my defense, I explained that the sandwiches were mine and I'd spiked them with hot sauce.
The cleaner, initially relieved by my explanation, suddenly became furious, accusing me of trying to harm her child. This resulted in an escalated situation, with the cleaner reporting the incident to our landlord and threatening police intervention. The incident strained relations within the other workshops, siding with the cleaner due to her status as a mother. Consequently, our landlord has given us a month to relocate, adding to our financial struggles.
My friends, too, are upset with me. I maintain my innocence, arguing that I had no idea a child was the food thief, and I would never intentionally harm a child. Nevertheless, it seems I am held responsible, accused of creating a huge problem from a seemingly trivial situation.
The child is ok. No harm to the health was inflicted. It still was just an edible sauce, just very very spicy.
TLDR: Accidentally fed a little boy an an insanely spicy sandwich. | The reaction of everyone involved is bizarre. She left her child unsupervised and he stole. Why are they punishing you?
Edit: Thank you for the awards! You guys are so nice! |
Last Friday I had the day off work and decided to surprise my girlfriend at her job by stopping in to take her out to lunch as her shift was about done. She works at a very large and popular wholesale store that has hotdogs. She told me beforehand that I could come see her at work any time and there would be no trouble.
I walked in the front door and walked past the card-checker girl. She did a double-take and asked if I work there. I replied “no, I do not. I am here to see an employee, however. I’m looking for ——— in ———.”
She sheepishly got her radio and said, “management to front entrance; non-emergency”
A manager with the largest tablet I’ve ever seen strapped to her arm walked up and I explained again why I was there. She called for my GF on the radio but she was not near her radio. I apparently kicked the hornet’s nest and I could hear chatter on other employee’s radios.
“Who’s that guy here to see ———-?“
“Are we being audited? He looks important”
“GUYS, LOOK BUSY”
I caught glances from just about every worker nearby and I could feel them trying to figure me out
It was at this time my GF got back to her radio and heard the commotion and stepped out of her office and made eye contact with me. She wrapped up her work and we went out to lunch finally. I asked her why there was such a ruckus. She said that I dress nicely and I’m very polite which are characteristics of a corporate rep who comes in to fire people. That’s when she also admitted to me that I sometimes have asshole resting face. I guess I need to smile more.
TLDR: I surprised my GF at work and her coworkers thought I was there to perform an audit or fire somebody. | Bring a clipboard next time. Don't even put anything on it, just a clipboard |
I (F23)'ve been in a relationship with this guy (M33) for like a year. When we started dating, after a month of getting to know each other we went to his place and did the deed. Enjoyable experience overall. BUT, after he was done, he removed the condom and...with very expert gestures, proceeded to drink his junk right out of it.
I was shocked and confused. In my head I was like "Yooo man, wtf????". He was my first partner and like...I wondered if that was...kinda normal? Common? Idk???
Since I used to be a people pleaser, I managed to hide my shock and disgust, and simply asked him: "Why did you do that?"
He answered me, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world: "It's a lot of kiloJoules of energy, I can't waste them".
I was even more confused. I was literally speechless and what was being a very nice and romantical night managed to become a weird and kinda awkward situation.
To make things worse, he even stated in a very dramatic tone: "I will never allow anyone to eat my semen". He said that like his junk was something precious...like...if someone would ever get access to that...it was like, being able to steal his soul??? Idk. It made no sense. And also, dude, nobody here is trying to steal ur precious cum, ugh.
Btw, he wasn't drinking his cum in a kinky or erotic way or idk, he did it like it was an extremely serious and important deal. Why drinking ur own cum must be so dramatic???
We kept dating for several months and everytime we had sex, every. single. time. he did the same thing.
I started to become very concerned, since usually inside the condoms there's usually some lube...I guess? He even complaint about the bad taste of the lube or the latex the condom was made of (the taste of his own cum somehow didn't bother him at all, good for him). And even if usually lube is not that toxic, I think that consuming a small amount but very often may not be the healthiest habit. Also his breath right after this "ritual" almost made me throw up all the times, since he even refused to brush his teeth afterwards. "I didn't chew, I swallowed it in one gulp, so I don't need to brush my teeth". Ew.
I tried to discretely make him understand that his habit was grossing me out, by saying out loud "EW" or by covering my eyes, but he didn't got the clues.
A year passed by. I had enough. I tried to confront him, but nope. He was unmovable. Neither the fact that his passion for his own cum was making me a little uncomfortable, nor the fact that imo eating lube could be harmful made him stop.
He then proceeded to get mad. He stated that he wasn't doing anything wrong, that he just didn't want to waste "precious substances from his body" and that I was making a scene for nothing. I told him about his breath and he straight up accused ME of having a bad smell??? I told him that by deflecting my accuse he was just making things worse, but then he interrupted me and just told me I was insufferable. Then he just left.
He was extremely angry, I've never seen that side of him. I'm sure that he will tell me to pack my things and to leave.
So rn I'm mad, confused AND scared about his behavior.
TL;DR: after the first time me and my partner had sex he drank his own cum directly from the condom. I was disgusted and after a year I asked him to stop. He got mad and I think he's about to leave me.
EDIT:
OMG. Well, I was right about being freaked out by his behavior having read most of the comments... Anyway pleeeease no judging about the fact that I've stayed with him for over a year (I'm really ashamed about it), the situation was very complex for me. But to cut it short, let's say that I have very low standards and not a lot of self-esteem :^( | ....a year? |
My boyfriend and I are in Las Vegas for our first ever vacation together. Today was the third day and we were returning to our room. My boyfriend goes to takes his wallet out of his pocket to get the hotel keycard and a small, black, square packet that looks exactly like a condom falls out. My heart immediately sinks because my boyfriend and I have never used condoms so this clearly isn't meant for us.
My boyfriend immediately grabs it and shoves it in his pocket then continues to open the door, obviously hoping I didn't notice what just fell out. I ask him what that was and his face immediately gets bright red and he starts acting extremely nervous which I've never seen him do before. At this point I am so flustered and angry that I just leave the room while I hear him calling my name behind me. I went down to the pool for a few hours ignoring his phone calls and idk what I'm gonna do. I spend all day just trying to distract myself with random things to do around Vegas.
When I get back to the hotel he tells me he's sorry but the doesn't understand why I was so angry over it. I tell him of course I'm angry about it cause clearly that condom wasn't for us so wtf was he gonna use it for. When I said this he gets a puzzled looks then immediately goes to his suitcase and grabs a bunch of these tiny black packages like the one I saw fall out of his pocket.
I take one and look at it. They are individually packaged butt wipes, not condoms. He said he's been having really bad diarrhea the last couple days and snuck off to buy these at one of the convenience stores in the hotel, but got really embarrassed in the moment when it fell out. I ignored him for a whole day on our vacation cause he wanted a clean butt. I apologized and it ended up being hilarious to us
TLDR: ignored my boyfriend for a day cause I thought a condom fell out of his pocket, it was an individually packaged butt wipe for his diarrhea | Maybe he was going to use those butt wipes on ANOTHER WOMAN?!? |
I did one of those age progression apps that aged me to age 70, and I showed it to my son not even thinking about the consequences of my actions…for a little back story, we just moved in with my best friend who recently lost her grandma to old age, it was my sons first exposure to death and he is very matter of fact about it. When my friend or her boys talk about her he will sometimes chime in with gems like, “yeah but she’s dead, so…” he has asked all of the normal questions about death that 4 year olds have, and I think he basically understands it.
His response to this pic was not what I was expecting. He completely broke down and for almost an hour he just cried and wailed, “I don’t want you to get old and die mama! Please don’t get old and die mama!” He repeated it over and over, as if him saying it would somehow will me into existence forever. Nothing I could do or say could comfort him. He did this until he passed out. (It was bedtime) I think for the first time he realized that I would die, and what that actually means. Did I traumatize my baby? I feel so stupid for showing him that picture, I should have known…
TLDR: I showed my son an age progressed picture and he proceeded to have a complete emotional breakdown. | I distinctly remember going through a phase as a young kid realizing that one day everyone i know was going to be dead. I didn't eat very well for like a week. Not sure what snapped me out of it, probably conversations about how all of this was a long way off and I wouldn't need to worry about it until I was older than my parents were then. |
So I was at the mall with my son, whose a toddler. Anyway my son was playing really well with this little girl.
Like they where two peas in a pod playing together, just having a blast.
I'm a big dude, Lotta people say I look scary type look.
Anyway my son is playing, I'm eatting my lunch and I decide I need to figure out who this girls parents are.
I figure it out, she's apparently a hot mom.
So I walk up and go "Hey our kids are playing together, maybe I can get your number and we can setup a play date" she looks at me and goes "um, married" I was thinking that's nice, my son wants to play with your daughter so I said
"Me too, my wife would love to meet you, our kids are playing well together, do you wanna set up a play date"
At that point her husband walls up and she goes "this guy is asking for my number after I told I'm married"
At this point I'm thinking fuck it, not worth it. I apologize and sit down and wait for my son to finish playing.
Tl:Dr son was playing with a little girl, tried to get the girls parents info so we could setup a play date. Her mom thought I was trying to pick her up. | Should have turned to the husband and said the same thing. “Hi, our kids are playing well together, can I get your number so maybe we can set up a play date?” |
I am an assistant in heart surgery. I work with over a dozen different surgeons. The one Dr is one of the OGs at this place, been around forever, seen it all, done it all, nothing really bothers him. He's very quiet and reserved during surgery. I'm new here, so I'm really trying to make a good impression.
The case before I worked with this doctor was literally the smoothest case I've ever assisted. I was truly a step ahead the entire case, and the surgeon didn't have to ask me to do anything, because I was already doing it. It felt so great! So, when I saw my assignment was to work with him, I was super pumped to get a chance to build on how great the previous case went.
So, there were are, in the middle of the surgery. The heart is arrested is diastole, the heart-lung machine is cycling the blood instead, and we have the heart literally cut open to replace a valve. Right in the middle of placing the valve sutures into the heart, he handed me 2 of them, and I went to place a hemostat clamp on them outside of the open chest, like I had with the rest of them. This is a routine and imprecise move, so I was kind of nonchalant about it. Unfortunately the surgeon pulled his hand back right as I went to clamp, and I clamped a motherfucking metal clamp onto his pinkie knuckle. He lurched back, and screamed in pain, looked at me and said, "NOW WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?"
I was speechless, being caught totally off guard. Obviously I hadn't done it on purpose. This reserved and quiet surgeon did a just-scored-a-TD-in-the-SuperBowl spike with the now contaminated-with-his-own-blood needle driver he had been holding onto the floor, ripped off his gown and gloves, and stormed out of the room.
The entire room was pindrop quiet. What do we do with this open chest and open heart without a surgeon? What happens now? My career flashed before my eyes. My ears burned like lit sparklers, and sweat started running down my neck. My surgical goggles started fogging up. For a second I felt likei was going to pass out. But 30 seconds later we heard the surgeon slamming the metal panel on the scrub sink, and we knew he was scrubbing back in.
He came back in the room a few minutes later, clearly red hot mad, but we went right back to work and finished the case without a single word about what happened. When he was getting ready to leave the room, I apologized sincerely, which he kind of resentfully accepted.
TL;DR: I ripped a world class heart surgeon's hand open with a metal clamp in the middle of surgery, which REALLY pissed him off, but he washed the blood off and went right back to work like the professional that he is, and I almost died from shame.
Edit: marked NSFW due to the fucking "F word" and because apparently I'm literally NSFW
Edit for clarification: don't mistake my comment about being nonchalant as being careless. The point was that I wasn't in the chest, I was back off to the side just clipping sutures together, so it's a different kind of movement then handling tissues inside the chest. My mistake was in having tunnel vision and not seeing the unexpected movement of the surgeon, not in how I was clipping the sutures together
One final edit: HOLT SHIT. I scrub out from a heart transplant today to find that I've hit the front page. So I wanted to add a couple more details. The surgeon was fine, just had the side of his knuckle pinched in there tips of a hemostat hard enough to tear the skin a little. I love my job so much, and am pretty good at it. We've worked together since and it never even came up, because he trusts my skillset. Also, if you have any questions about heart surgery, feel free to ask. We do some awesome gnarly shit. | i really thought OP was the one receiving surgery when i read the title |
This happened many years ago, when I was but a young man in college. But the story actually starts about 18 years before that, when I was a baby.
Like most kids, I hated getting soap in my eyes in the bath. Even the gentle “baby shampoo” would send me into a rage. My dad, being the intrepid problem solving sort with a penchant for over engineering, came up with a sort of 360 degree visor that my hair would stick through. Then, they could wash my hair and the soapy water would just roll off. It was great. It kind of looked like a flower on my head, so my parents would say I was “flowering while showering.”
Eventually, the OG visor got mildew and was disposed of, but my dad made a few over the years. He ultimately stopped when he decided that I should be able to wash my hair without getting soap in my eyes, but I wasn’t having it and started making my own. Over time, “flower hats” for this exact purpose became mass produced and I switched over to just buying them as needed. Never got soap in my eyes! It was great!
Well, by the time I was 20 and living in my own apartment in college, I still hadn’t kicked the ol’ flower hat. I was flowering while showering every day, living my best life. Cue a cute girl staying at my place and suggesting we take a shower together before fucking. She asked me to wash her hair and brush conditioner through it, which apparently felt really good to her and was a major turn on. When I was done, she offered to wash my hair. I didn’t think that would do anything for me, but I said “sure!”
I then reached out of the shower for the drawer where I kept my flower hat and put it on. At first she laughed and thought I was joking, even after I explained what it was. But then I think she noticed how it looked kind of old and used and faded, and that it would be strangely elaborate to keep a flower hat in my bathroom for the occasional joke.
To her credit, she washed my hair while I wore it. We didn’t end up having sex that night—I can’t remember her explanation—but after she left the next morning she didn’t return my calls or AIM messages.
I didn’t stop flowering while showering immediately after that. I would just say, “oh, I washed my hair already” if the situation came up again. But when I met my now-wife, I knew it was time to give it up. So I no longer flower while
I shower, I just live with the occasional pain of getting soap in my eyes.
But you better believe that when we had kids, I immediately got them flower hats. My wife thinks they’re brilliant. She has no idea of my dark past. And every once in a while I look at my kids’ flower hats, and I hear them calling to me, beckoning me to don them. I haven’t succumbed yet, but I think it’s only a matter of time…
TL;DR: Flowered while I showered; got a good hair wash but nothing else.
Edit: [A general idea of what my flower hat looked like in college.](https://imgur.com/a/gRU8Mk4) | My friend, have you tried... Leaning backwards? |
Obvious and obligatory not today, but an ongoing fuck up.
I hate jeans. I *hate* jeans. I will wear them as necessary to not look like a scrub but I’d honestly rather wear slacks or khakis as needed. My preferred bottoms are basketball shorts or sweatpants, and I can and do wear them almost all the time.
When I changed location at work about 6-7 years ago, I moved to a position that requires long pants, and I obviously chose sweats because I may as well be somewhat comfortable at work.
What I failed to understand is that the sweatpants are what Ron Burgundy would describe as “flattering in the crotchal region”. This is not a brag-I am average in that department. I’m also a grower, not a shower. I know it seems ridiculous, but I was not aware of this function my pants were providing. I just don’t really think about my penis that much. I also don’t expect anyone to be taking a good long look. Call me naive I guess.
A couple weeks ago, I was informed by a female coworker that she was warned about where she looked on a job-by a male coworker-as I was “slinging penis” which is a term I’d never heard and baffled me. My bulge is/was very prominent. My surprise led me to asking others if this was actually the case, since that’s not exactly the vibe I’m looking to put out at work. I’m happily married and not looking. I was further informed that indeed many people **had** noticed and commented, though obviously not to me, that I was really putting myself out there-as the saying goes. To make matters more complicated? Worse? I had switched to first shift several years ago and the people had also discussed the subject at length. The result was that I must be going without underwear(not true).
TL;DR I’ve been living the “dicks out for Harambe” life for years/my coworkers are a bunch of meat gazers.
The Aftereffects: wife and I talk about it. I show her the goods, she kinda shrugs but laughs at the situation. I leave before she’s awake and change out of work clothes first thing on getting home. But of course that can’t be the end of it.
Just a few days later we get pizza with her family. Her aunt lost part of her jaw to cancer years back and has a tough time chewing. I am kinda known in the pizza shop because wife and I like their breadsticks. Wife likes hers doughy and because they know my name and face, they always do a great job. One of the women referred to me as her best customer a week prior to the revelations.
I order and return with pizza and breadsticks, which are uncharacteristically, for in laws, made better than usual. Mother in law says “maybe (me) should get our pizza all the time!” Which causes my wife to laugh, give me a look and ask “have you been wearing your sweatpants in there too?” Causing confusion for the in laws.
So I sigh and explain to her fairly conservative parents and cackling aunt what I recently learned, prompting her mother, bless her heart, asks, “did she say slinging or swinging?” | Double down and switch to yoga pants. |
A couple of months ago I asked my parents if I was allowed to have sex in my room. My gf and I usually had sex in the woods, but it became too uncomfortable and unsafe, so I decided to embrace the embarrassment of asking my mom and dad for permission to sleep with my gf in my bed. I never wanted to have that conversation with my parents, but I wanted to show them that I was mature enough to talk to them instead of sneaking my gf in and out of my room when no one was watching. Cue the awkward "can I have sex in my room" conversation. My mom struggled to accept the fact that I was sexually active and got upset at me for expecting her to allow me to have sex under her roof. In other words, the answer was no. I was 17 at the time.
My mom completely lost her mind after that conversation and decided to start "hiking" all of a sudden, which was an obvious excuse to patrol the woods where my gf and I had sex. She even managed to convince other like-minded moms to "hike" with her because my gf and I were not the only teenagers hooking up in the woods. I called them The Neighbor Wood Watch. My gf and I were forced to go deeper into the woods to lower the risk of not only being caught by real hikers but also by mother hikers aka the NWW. I was confidently leading the way to our new sex spot until I realized I had no idea where we were anymore. I was low key experiencing post nut clarity but without the nut. There were no signs or trails anywhere. My gf and I spent most of the afternoon retracing our steps instead of having sex.
I don't know how long we were lost, but it was beginning to get dark when we made it out of the woods. My gf was not happy with me at all. She made it clear that she was done fucking in the woods forever. My mom successfully made the woods fuck proof and cock-blocked me. Not much has changed since I turned 18. I'm still living at home with the leader of the NWW. My gf and I are not having as much sex as we used to because the woods are off limits and we're too poor to pay for privacy. For the record, if you're in my position due to the increase in moms in the woods, I'm sorry.
TL:DR I asked my parents if I could have sex in my room instead of in the woods. My mom said no and made it her mission in life to prevent me from having sex anywhere. | While the moms are out “hiking”, do it in your room. |
Title covers it, thought I was on mute and was not. Someone was messaging me on the side asking if I could meet at certain times (my very limited free time is on my calendar). I yell in pure frustration "Jesus Christ, check my fucking calendar!" The meeting got really quiet and I realized what happened. Just gave a little sheepish "my bad, thought I was muted" and went silent. The person I was yelling about messaged me on the side and apologized, which made me feel even worse.
I apologized, and said it was very unprofessional. I tried to explain how I am really stressed with deadlines (I am) and was venting but I still feel like a total ass, which is accurate. This was a smaller group of decent people so I don't think anyone will complain to my boss or anything like that, I just get to live with my embarrassing FU.
TL;DR: Yelled at/about people in an online meeting thinking I was muted.
edit: grammar | On the plus side, maybe that person got the hint and will check your calander first next time. |
I (M29) have been with my girlfriend (F27) for four years, living together for two. We have a pretty good sex life, but there are some things I want that she doesn’t. Since this is an alt account I’ll just say it: sometimes I like being pegged. I told her this exactly once about six months into our relationship. At first she thought I was joking and just laughed at me, when she realized I was serious she said it was weird and gross, and had absolutely no interest in it. I haven’t mentioned it since.
I still have an old dildo from a past relationship. (My ex loved pegging, she was the one who convinced me to try it in the first place.) I still use it when I masturbate, not every time but most of the time. My girlfriend doesn’t know I have it, and I intended to keep it that way. Not that I needed to hide it because she’d be upset, I knew she wouldn’t be, but because it’s fucking embarrassing and I don’t want her to know. Since we moved in together I haven’t been using it as often, which is fine. Our sex life is still good. But when I have the place alone for a few hours, I still use it. And to be clear, I’m definitely not fantasizing about my ex- that ship has sailed and sunk. I just watch porn, which we’ve both expressly agreed is completely fine, although neither of us does it often.
Today, I was home alone, enjoying myself. My girlfriend was supposed to be out for most of the day, but she ended up coming home early. She came in quietly and I was being… rather loud, so I didn’t know she was home until she walked right into the bedroom. When I saw her, I panicked, screamed, rolled off the bed, hit my head on the nightstand, and the dildo fell out with a loud wet plop. She started laughing louder than I’ve ever heard her laugh before, and she turned and left the apartment. No clue where she went or why she came back early at all.
So now, a few hours later, I’m just sitting here with absolutely no idea what to do. I haven’t texted or called and she hasn’t either. I can see on Life360 that she’s at the beach with some friends, like she was planning on. If her plans don’t change again she won’t be back for another hour or two. I have absolutely no idea what will happen when she gets back and I’m not sure if I even want to. I’m seriously considering going to a friends house to hide from all this. Fuck my life.
TLDR; my girlfriend walked in on me with a dildo in my ass and thought it was hilarious, then left, leaving me embarrassed and confused.
Small update: I texted her “Hey when will you be home?” She responded “ten minutes.” Fuck fuck fuck.
BIG UPDATE: She came home, we talked. She laughed because, in her words, “it sounded like you had three or four guys in there, I seriously thought I was about to bust a gay orgy.” It was partly because of my reaction and partly relief that I wasn’t doing anything actually wrong. She had completely forgotten that this was even something I was interested in, because I only mentioned it once so long ago. Now that she realizes it’s something I still want, she’s willing to give it a shot. She doesn’t promise to like it but she promises to try it, and that’s way more than I expected. Honestly, I was just hoping she’d pretend it never happened. I would have been happy with that, so this is great.
And for all those who keep asking: no, I didn’t keep going after she caught me. I have no idea where the dildo went, it vanished. It better turn up because now I really need it.
FINALLY UPDATE: we tried it, she actually liked it. She didn’t really realize what it was until we did it. It’s going to be pretty common now, looks like. And yes, we found the dildo, and no it wasn’t hiding in my ass. (I would definitely have known.) It rolled under the dresser.
Thanks everyone for your supportive comments, and for those who are calling me gay and unmanly, I have only one thing to say:
Fellas, is it gay to have sex with a woman? | She walked in on you during a private moment. This wasn’t a sexual act that she wasn’t aware of, she just stated she wasn’t interested in participating. Try not to be too embarrassed, I’m fairly certain you will both look back on this in a few days and laugh together about it.
Maybe it leads to opening her up a bit to some possibilities in the bedroom. |
Subsets and Splits