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everything is a really weird blur not all the time but these wave of blur come and go doe anybody else have this it s like i m existing but not really dead but alive deaf but i can hear blind but i can see what is this

school work talent cultural knowledge relationship health physical appearance there s always someone better than me and no matter how hard i try the result are mediocre nothin outstanding i shouldn t have existed everything i ve done amount to nothing

i just want to be left alone i wish people would stop reaching out i just need alone time to heal i don t share that i have depression with my family or friend so that make it weirder they probably think i m rude but regardless i wish i would be left alone

i try to play video game but just quit immediately and the same thing happens with my guitar i just can t do either one

i m alive because i wan na outlive all the mf who gave me truma

i m not sure if this is the right subreddit to go to but i don t know where else to go my spouse ha struggled with severe depression his whole life it is genetic his dad wa the same any amount of pressure make him worse he constantly feel a though life is not worth living and he s a lost cause he will never feel okay and just want the pain to go away we have a baby coming any day now and i wa worried that pressure wa gon na send him over the edge we have been talking about having him voluntarily go to a psych ward and see if they can help kinda a a last ditch effort before i just give him permission to end it today he talked to his counselor about going to one in a few week after the baby wa here and they came and picked him up an hour later he is pissed doesn t want to be there which i understand is normal he feel completely betrayed by his councellor and never want to go back i m worried that now he is going to pretend like he is fine just to get out the point of this is to get help why won t he just take it i m scared the mental hospital won t help at all i just need you guy who have been there before to be honest with me did it help what thing helped and what made it worse if it doe help or when he come back home what are some thing i can do to continue the healing process or just make his life easier anything else you feel to share please do i hate not knowing thing and this is really killing me right now

why can t people like me what did i do wrong am i really just a shitty person i ve known for a long as while that no one like me but i ve just ignored that fact and smiled and tried to socialize with others it just make thing worse and i m just an annoying fuck i just wan na know why i m annoying i ve accepted all of this today and realized that no one give a fuck about me even my own family think i m just a burden why can t people just like me

i hold a lot of pain and trauma in me and i m not good at sharing it with others except for a very select few i have started therapy recently sometimes this pain really take control of me almost put me in a black hole where i can t stop and it take a big toll on me and those closest to me mentally therefore i am hurting the people i love most in my life and the pain only get worse i wish i can stop but i get so deep in this hole for that moment of time and i can t escape it when i realize how awful i have been to everyone else it s too late the damage ha been done they understand my trauma and what i been through but people can only handle so much i don t want to hurt those around me anymore what are the best tip to stop or just improve over time thank you

what can i do besides tell someone that someone is bullying me it keep my depression even worse thx for the help

i have been going for month to a new therapist and originally the goal wa to just do self care like shower eat take my med stuff like that i had graduated college and moved to a new city to start my first big boy job and i wa struggling with the life transition now i have everything together i take care of myself i have a stable career i go out on the weekend i have a strong healthy relationship but i m still depressed every session it seemed like she wa seeking goal out of me but i just don t have any i have everything but i m not happy and i can t come up with anything that would bring me happiness when i have everything i would need last night the topic of session wa my connection with people which i had made a goal out of last month but after getting to the end of it i made the statement that i don t know if i even want to make or strengthen these connection and she got frustrated with me and mentioned taking a break until i had a goal set and that my depression could just be my personality at this point since i have been dealing with it since i wa i m now i m just upset with myself and i don t really know what to do i ve had therapist in my life and none have really helped i know i have to do the work but it s hard for them to guide me when i don t even know what direction to go in i guess i just need to get another or more antidepressant or something idk

i m year old and i ve been depressed since sophomore in high school during those year i ve tried my best to keeping myself together not showing my true emotion try to make friend make people laugh etc and of course i still go through battle within myself but i ve been the victor so far recently it s been incredibly difficult i ve been contemplating suicide more often than usual now i am not saying that i m going to go through with it because it would absolutely destroy my family especially my mom they love me and i m lucky to have friend that care about me a well however i can t help but notice that my life is a complete and utter joke i ve made no accomplishment really nothing of value that i ve made a a year old person and it s getting to me i m not an intelligent person i have no ambition i have no drive and i have no goal in life compared myself to everyone else i m a loser i m a loser and i know it for a fact and i feel like my friend and family even my peer at work know it a well i m a joke now it ha been a struggle to keep my emotion and thought under control people start to notice a change in my demeanor when i talk to them noticing how i m not acting a my usual self my true emotion is starting to show itself and unending thought of suicide ha gone rampant i believe i am losing myself day by day and i m trying my damnedest to keep up appearance and not letting people worry about me of course i can t afford to go to therapy session or get my hand on prescribed medication so i m only left with limited resource hell i just got denied health insurance without a clue a to why honestly i m not sure what i m expecting by posting here i just appreciate anyone that took the time of their day to read my run of the mill sob story and perhaps giving their two cent thanks

i hate my living situation and i have no way out of it i m stuck and i cry almost everyday everyone in my home make me feel pointless and unwanted i wish i could control how sensitive i am about it

what can i say something major happened someone died friend of mine i am drunk i dont wan na call hotlines they know me already

im talking about the kind of depressive episode where you lay in bed all day for day week and struggle to find energy motivation for simple functioning such a eating and showering just lay sit there having negative thought and feeling hopeless useless and pathetic i have these episode a few or so time a year my question is do you generally have something in your mind that feel like the obstacle you need to cross to start the process of getting out of your depressive episode for example sometimes for me i just feel like if only i could completely clean my house i d start to feel better other time it might be something else on my to do list or a few thing i feel are the obstacle to feeling better the obstacle always seem insanely mundane but also impossible to do in my state a if i d have to put on a ton of body weight and get up and do it with all that extra weight and already feeling fatigued it bizarre because ive noticed over the year that completing whatever it is that i ve decided a my obstacle is generally the st step to leaving my major depressive episode i can t describe the mental workout it is to get something done sometimes though like i may attempt to get it done time in a week to just end up giving up and going back to bed i m just wondering if anyone else get this and set up hurdle type thing for themselves when they are super depressive and do you ever eventually complete your obstacle amp doe it help you to coming out of the episode

i always issue and now they are catching up with me my blood pressure is dangerously high most day i m dizzy and disoriented worst of all i m tired the last one wa here for a long time but it got to the point where i no longer have the energy to do anything no matter how hard i try to push it i wa passively suicidal for a long time i didn t have the courage to actually kill myself but i wouldn t look both way when i crossed the street i drank and smoked did stuff that i knew wa dangerous and now it seems it worked and now i m scared i don t care about myself but i have man who love me i have a month old little brother and i m terrified what how they would feel if i died but my condition is getting worse and i can t bring myself to do anything about it

this post is regarding my father who relentlessly forced his own will upon me and made me choose my career and life choice based on that a a result it ha brought catastrophic consequence for me i wa an above average student at school but used to be excellent in creative pursuit like theatre writing story and poem english literature filmmaking etc but my father wa totally against all that he made me choose what subject i needed to take for my good future and it wa always what he think wa best that zi needed to do there wa actually no way i could protest because it would have led to physical violence so to cut the story short i graduated from school in the year 0 then because my father forced me to enroll in a wierd course i lost two more year until i couldn t and then in 0 i had to drop out because i wa failing in every exam it wa in those several month that i endured the worst mental agony of my life it wa a lot of mental burden placed upon me my father called me a failure and what not and compared me with a number of successful kid in the neighborhood and to the kid of his friend who were in good university and doing very well in 0 i cracked one of the toughest exam but unfortunately my rank wa not good and most of it wa due to the rampant corruption and lack of transparency and accountability in the examination conducting board what i mean to say is that i could have scored better if the result were not questionable in nature a court case went but nothing happened finally i take admission in one of the worst place i could imagine to spend another year of my life doing something i absolutely loathed again because of the pressure from my father then in 0 0 i finally graduated but then the covid pandemic broke out every one wa working from home and the nature of my degree wa such that for newbie like me working from home wa not possible and in hand office experience wa required so i went unemployed for a year also in my final year i contracted a terrible life long disease due to the mental stress i wa in and the crappy food that i had to eat the mess in the hostel where i lived for year wa horrendous to say the least now it is 0 and i am still unemployed my father somehow blame me entirely for this and never once accepted his mistake in life now not only him but i too view myself a a failure and have lost faith in myself the confidence that i once had the energy of youth that wa brimming to overflow when i graduated from school in thr summer of 0 is all exhausted and gone i could have done something really good with my life in the creative field that s what i think i have a knack for it i have a good power of imagination and an intuitive mind but now i feel it wa all a waste and all ha been for nothing i have wasted more than 0 year of my life in my higher study and doing something i not only loathe but detest in the highest possible way it would not be wrong to say that my father is responsible for screwing my life over but that s what i think am i making an excuse what do you think

original text in german translated with google translator sorry for any mistake i hope it s still understandable unhappy with myself constantly comparing to others what do i really want need to get my life on track want to solve problem myself don t accept help don t say how i really feel say everything is fine even though nothing is fine gt pretend to myself dishonest to myself gaming training etc distraction self therapy i have the feeling that something is wrong with me everyday routine make me sick depressed every day at work and at home everything the same there must be more to life look for a sense in everything gt no sense waste of time aversion to social medium gt constantly comparing and seeing the perfect life of others make me sick thought what if i jumped off the bridge now or what if i would jump out of the window now what if i drove my car into the tree now obsessive thought suicidal thought constant dissatisfaction gt self improvement self optimization very present topic e g room training except in one s own head feeling i am different nobody understands me and nobody will ever understand me feeling of not being myself not knowing who how what i really want reactively bad relationship with my sibling why thought what if my father is dead would i be sad would i be happier thought i just want to smack my dad in the face for what he did to me and my family i m worth nothing i am a bad person because of my bad thought try to distract me from my problem youtube gaming etc if i m asked about it i don t want to talk about it avoid it mental breakdown in the car 0 0 0 on the way back from vocational school completely cry all the time and resolve to tell my problem and change my life when i m at home gt not done thought i m breaking off my education i hate my job i can t quit again i ve already dropped out of high school and college i m a piece of shit everything get better after training if i could do that summer 0 is now and my training is over i would do it no self confidence self esteem completely screwed can t express my feeling emotion erectile dysfunction because of depression very emotional video in which i find myself e g depression what do others think about me do they notice that i m weird different gorge on everything don t talk about my problem feeling of not living in the present but in the past lack of drive lack of motivation why am i doing all this what s the point unhappy feeling wanting to flee from the world and everything disease unresolved childhood trauma depression social phobia anxiety disorder alcohol problem obsession personality disorder who am i what do i want need a lot of love feeling to be loved at work feel uncomfortable shy and tense gt situation in which i sit in the car driving home and start screaming and banging on the roof i find it more and more difficult with other people to get in touch i m getting more and more shy and withdrawn i feel lonely and sad what happens after the training how doe it go on afraid of not making the exam no strength to do school stuff afraid of a lecture at school finally want to find me and be happy with me and my life mental breakdown christmas 0 with daniel and thorsten topic father mental breakdown at grandma in the garden with michael reason longing for day when i wa happy and carefree i m turning already and i still haven t gotten anything right in my life don t let any feeling get to me only laugh very seldom strong self doubt feeling in society there is no right place for me feeling of having to be perfect not accepting my mistake myself seek my luck in thing like alternative way of life world travel etc want to get away from materialism consumer society capitalism fast life

everyday i wake up same routine i feel underappreciated by those i live with i have very few i m very close to and care about my mental state ha been on a rapid decline for month now i m basically living for my cat and the person i m closest to i just constantly have this overwhelming sense of dread and paranoia everyday my family just doesn t seem to care anytime i do anything they make me feel lesser than them because i m not like them i just cant bring to care about most thing i try to lose myself in game or reading manga i dont want to necessarily die but i m just tired of living in general i dont tell people how i feel out of not wanting to put my problem on them i have spent a lot of night lately cry my self to sleep at am

i m a college student who ha changed their major different time and am currently pre med although i have always struggled in my science course for about the last year i have had zero motivation my gpa is slowly slipping a i never study or go to class i used to smoke weed all day i wa high most of 0 but i quit and now i just go on my phone in my room or watch movie i have no friend here and don t socialize i usually only leave my room to get food or to study for a test usually the day before or day of i get jealous when i see everyone hanging out and enjoying their college experience while i go to the movie alone or find other way to distract myself i keep telling myself i have to change but i never do i feel like my advisor have given up on me i don t even know if i want to be a doctor but it s a clear cut path that will allow me to help people and provide job security although my real dream is going to hollywood and trying to make it a a screenwriter i have been depressed and have cycled through a lot of medication with my doctor none of them work she now think i may have adhd i just struggle to think long term and have been extremely burnt out since senior year of high school before then i wa always a good student i don t know what happened to me i often fantasize about suicide or dying and lately have just been wishing to stay in my room and just do drug all day i don t know where my drive ha gone

my best friend doesn t want to be friend anymore i don t have the energy to fight for our friendship i feel a though i m constantly trying to be a better friend and person just because i m trying doesn t mean i m perfect but that s okay i m heartbroken over the fact but i can not keep someone who doesn t wan na be my friend

this is my first reddit post also my first time sharing this information with anyone but i can t really keep it in anymore man so bear with me hopefully there s a psychiatrist out there that will read this and hit me with some world altering advice because there is absolutely no way in hell i will ever tell anyone especially not a doctor or psychiatrist what you are about to read but i really just need to get this out there first and foremost no im not going to kill myself let s get that out of the way but i do think im depressed i wa telling myself it wa just a life slump for a long time then i wa telling myself it wa just sadness from the slump now i ve literally been sad and thinking negatively of myself almost every day for like a year and i got ta talk about it with someone even if someone is this phone screen i ve always had major self esteem and confidence issue not really sure what it stem from but i have always felt inferior to those around me which btw i can not believe people live life happy with their appearance that is a blessing that people take for granted anyways ive done some research and educated myself with the science behind depression and i believe that over the past few year a mix of rapid lifestyle change and stress related event ha caused me to have depression the part that confuses me is that while my life is on the more stressful and busy side of thing i don t feel like it s a bad life to live i have wonderful friend family i have a great scholarship to a good school i do fun thing and go to party and drink i feel like an average person put in my shoe would be happy and excel if they had any drive or passion at all which i do not probably why i fuck everything up all the time it is common for me to have suicidal thought i really don t know why since in reality i wouldn t want to kill myself i may be a piece of shit but im not selfish nor do i like the pain of self harm i am self aware of these thought and i have attempted breathing and thought altering method to get rid of them but they pierce my heart and mind like a dagger it physically hurt they are not always about suicide but they are always very negative targeted at myself i just can t help staring out at the edge of that cliff wishing i had the nut to finally end it all sometimes i can t look at myself in the mirror because i know it ll lead me to thinking negatively about myself just at the sight of me and a sad a it is to say it i really just do not like myself i look in the mirror and want to smash it or rip my face off because of how ugly i am objectively and on paper i am not the worst looking guy im and im physically fit but holy shit i swear what i see in the mirror and what other people see when they look at me must be completely different there have been a few instance in recent month of people tell me im decent looking or im good looking or i have a nice body and i take the compliment and try and try to see it in myself but i just can t i literally can t i don t see it i don t know where you guy are looking but i truly don t see what you see okay it s not just about my appearance i find myself annoying and awkward i try to be a happy go lucky guy most of the time usually bringing conversation and a smile and sarcasm and even some humor sometimes but behind my smile is most commonly a frown im fucking annoying my thought scream at me at how what i just said is so stupid and i need to shut the fuck up why do i talk so much why would i ask that ect i talk too much sometimes i say thing i dont even mean or agree with just to say something i never know when to talk and when not to and it frustrates me a lot im volatile and irritable and ugh i fuck up most thing i do work school relationship you know how it go the classic poor me self pity i ruin everything type shpeal something about the way i wa made is just wrong i guess that s another one of those negative thought that repeat in my head a lot born wrong today i had the pleasure of envisioning myself fist fighting myself beating my own face in felt great honestly wish i could ve made it a reality i can t find happiness in any of the thing i used to enjoy ive gradually stopped all my hobby except for the gym which is where i take my anger out usually i have a lot of that i can t even sit through a movie without thinking what is the point of me doing this what is the point life feel numb pointless i go about my societal life just like everybody else i study work play sleep rarely but it all feel the same a gray bland mesh of nothing even something like eating delicious food i just don t get enjoyment anymore the best way i can explain how i feel is if im with people and someone make a joke that people laugh at of course i laugh but if nobody else laughed i would never know when to laugh honest opinion of myself i fucking suck im lazy and i lie all the time to keep up a persona of not being a sad downer hater fuck i constantly make poor decision and can t seem to learn from previous one im ugly the only thing im good at are mansplaining and making a fool of myself i say dumb shit and get shit on for it what kind of asshole ha the privilege and opportunity that i have and is still sad and lazy like this im the type of person that wa actually just wired wrong in the head and the fact that i try and try to be appreciative of my life and still can t disgust me to be honest i don t even know who i am a few month ago someone asked me what my hidden talent is i replied nothing i don t have one i really don t have a talent or something im good at and seeing people around me do amazing thing and then watching myself dig deeper and deeper into this rut really hurt i do not feel like this id say about 0 of the time i forget about all my stress and worry and appearance and fuck ups and im actually happy then when the happy go away i realize that whatever made me happy is so very temporary and it all come flooding back im just running around my mess of a life chasing those euphoric mindless high and happiness that seem to get weaker and shorter each time i find them the question i find myself asking often is why why am i doing this why do i feel this way why did i say that why did i do that why am i a certain way yadda yadda i am a realist i also truly believe there is no point to this life why do we all live such stressful unrewarding life putting all our effort in just to die and be forgotten forever i read comment on post like these saying that life is beautiful meet everyone you can experience nature get help it get better it can get better but the thing is no it can t everyone s situation is different i guess but where im at and what im doing nothing gon na change im not going anywhere even if i wa it wouldn t matter societal standing and fancy job position mean nothing human are not made equal everyone is different special in their own way therefore some people are biologically and factually better than others whether it s stronger larger smarter faster people are different and some trait are preferable i just happened to get stuck with the trait that make me fucking suck at life no amount of meditation or antidepressant fuck big pharm is going to change who i am people don t change painting a leopard red doesn t remove his spot it just hide them temporarily well it s and im going to the gym at and then lecture after that so i guess i should sleep a few hour so my motor function stay working so i can keep going on in this endless cycle of pointless effort thanks for hearing my ted talk wish me luck on my chemistry exam good night all lt

i m only and already have so many physical and mental health issue ptsd ocd autism adhd depression anxiety visual snow obesity fibromyalgia gender dysphoria im trans chronic fatigue binge eating disorder it s all so much not only all this but recently i ve been dealing with more health problem my heart been racing even when i m just laying down and it make me feel like i can t get enough breath in like i m constantly breathing but not fully or something i also have been having horrible cramp like pain and after getting a ultrasound apparently i have a bunch of cyst on my ovary but this apparently isn t the cause of my pain and that terrifies me they think it might be the testosterone and i m scared i ll have to stop taking it and they re not even sure that s what s causing the pain i ve been trying to cope by hanging out with friend and my boyfriend online and other stuff like that but it can t distract me enough from the physical issue so i ve been using weed and alcohol but i know i can t keep using these to cope forever i know it s likely i ll become an alcoholic and part of me doesn t even care a long a it distracts me from the pain enough i m trying to apply for government assistance for disability but it s a lot of work and i feel like it s pointless and they ll just reject me again i ve been in therapy for year take med and go to doctor a lot im still this way no matter how much help i get i m so tired i m so tired of the constant issue i cant keep doing this how long do i have to keep going thru this it feel like it ll never get better idk how much longer i can keep going when i have to deal with all of this it s so much

it s been five year and a couple day now since my first major attempt i m not too sure how i feel to be honest ha life improved well not really of course after that first attempt i tried a couple more time i think if we look at the net value i m relatively in the same spot a i wa five year ago vibing on the bridge thankfully i m not too upset about that i think sadness and my inability to get out of said sadness is something that i will have to live with i m getting better at fighting it that s for sure are some day tiring and fucking unbearable of course but now i m just content with existing sad day are hard some day are easy i think i m just shocked that i m still alive well i definitely know that younger me would be shocked i m still kicking around maybe he d be happy that i stayed for this long there really isn t any point to this post just a bit of selfish self congratulation and the ability to say i m still alive guy i hope everyone ha a good day it s raining where i am but it s really nice to look at

i don t really know how reddit work but i just came here to get something off my chest i m a 0yo female who deal with major depression i ve always felt like i have no purpose in this world and that i am a complete waste of a human being i don t even know who i am anymore whenever people are like so tell me about yourself i break down because i honestly have nothing to say about myself i want to kill myself so bad but i don t have the tool to do it so i just live in pain and exhaustion i have no friend or family to talk about what i go through and that hurt medicine doe not help and therapist ive talked to were a joke i have done thing to make me feel better about myself but i always get knocked down but i can honestly say that the day i die i ll finally be happy and at peace

im waking up and have some weird thought i think one of them is that i think im unattractiv because im not that heigh with cm i think im way to small and thats the reason im unattractiv to woman i also dont get enough attention from my parent i feel so hollow because i think i deserve to be ignored i think that im seeking to much attention and thats not healthy but i want my father punish me if i show my feeling and my problem with and what is with me he denied everything i need and thats left me with im a burden for him thats my fault that i exist in this world i love to be connected with other people but this feeling from the past come back and say to me u dont deserve this attention other people ha way le that attention like you so be happy what you have but im not happy thats weird and i cant right now figure out where i have to put this thought i wish i had more atttention from my parent i want to show them what i like and i wish they would be interessted in what i do i have this frustration inside me and i hold this to much back i want to say myself im good enough constantly to push myself to the limit is exhausting and to please other people this suck

a year ago today i moved to a new city the city of opportunity growth and everything nice but i also learned this is the city of demise since i ve moved here itit s been hard to adapt to the culture the environment and pretty much anything else the store were different everyone talked differently people dressed differently and everyone had money so i thought i realized that my salary wa not enough to fund the normal lifestyle that i managed to survive off for year post undergrad in my home town and a new lifestyle i wa living paycheck to paycheck borrowing money getting loan and using credit to make end meet this made me depressed because it wa at the pandemic s peak and i spent 90 of my time inside with my thought i became more and more depressed and didn t know what to do i had suicidal thought but i tried to push through here s where thing take a turn i got a gig i earned more from my gig than my take home pay so my life wa sweet i wasn t depressed this lasted for six month then my health took a turn i couldn t keep up with life anymore i wa physically ill and had to let the gig go now i m here no gig and leaving the full time job so now i m in a new city no income following for a few week and ready to end it all i ve always thought money doesn t buy you happiness though they re right my journey prof that money can contribute to happiness doe money make you happy

hell i can t pull myself out of this i d rather just cease existing i don t deserve happiness i don t deserve comfort i don t deserve to live the only thing i actually deserve is death

i feel like i ll never get a girlfriend i m i also have a genetics disorder i feel like no woman will ever want me because of it i don t think you can tell i have it but i feel once i tell them that they won t want me i ve been feeling really depressed about it and i m scared to talk to woman so that doesn t help

i feel like my whole life wa a joke i have problem with concentration due to depression and my mom start rumor that i am dumb cause i watch porn

you know that feeling when the day and night drag on the tear stream down your cheek your vision start to tunnel the feeling of being lost with no where to go the movie staring yourself is playing and all you can do is sit back and watch a the world start to slip away from you slowly the first time i tried taking my life wa year old i wa physically and mentally abused from the moment i wa born and still mentally abused to this day this time it me abusing myself i got so used to being alone and not wanted so what s the point in trying anymore 0 0 wa a bad year for everyone but that is the time where i started losing a grip on my life for the last time my world started spirlling out of control what did i do i woke up at 0am walked into the kitchen grabbed a knife and drug of deep across my throat i walked into the bedroom where my wife wa sleeping she woke up to the sound of gargling only you find me trying to hold my throat shut she immediately called 9 and just looked at me in aw with a single tear falling down my cheek all she could do is watch a her husband is slowly dying right in front of her when i woke up day later in the hospital she wa no where to be found this is when my world came crashing down over me hearing those word whisper out of her mouth i want a divorce that wa the day i died inside i lost my soul mate my best friend my wife and the mother of my child i lost everything that day family friend my daughter my house my truck and my heart every day i fall asleep cry begging to take me back in time but in reality i know i can t so what is there left to do you ask die life for me ha ended i have nothing more left in me anymore i have been suffering from depression for a very long time i m exhausted i m tired i m alone i m lost all i want is to end this story of my life called misery i want to leave this world so i don t have to disappoint anyone ever again i am broken i can t do it anymore everyone say life is precious well to me life is a waste of time i have nothing more to give i have nothing more to learn i have nothing i am depressed i am hurt i am sitting in the theater watching a my screen start to fade to black this is it i tell myself i am no longer going to sit here and put a fake smile on my face for everyone else i am done helping out others with there problem why doesn t anyone ask me how i am doing probably because i would lie i am going to die i am ready i hope and pray the my daughter and my ex wife can forgive me i will always love them until the end of time with that being said i am signing off i have nothing left in the tank goodbye cruel cruel world until we meet again daddy will always be looking over you guiding you in a direction i never wa pushed towards i may not have any friend but i will be leaving a mark on legacy my job here is done good bye signing off

i need help but every time i reach out for help it dose not work out i m tired of feeling sad and bad about my self no one care abt how i feel no one want to know how i feel i m ready for my name to be on back of my team mate helmet on saturday when we take the field even with that no one will pay attention all 0k plus s that s full up the stadium when we play this is my cry for help

i am year old junior in college i have multiple problem that i need to address to start i have gotten carried away with smoking weed i have been using it almost everyday since i wa and i can no longer control it im always buying it when i can t always afford it i spend a good amount of my time at home smoking weed or using thc product i have also been drinking a lot more than i used to and i have even picked up a nicotine habit from my friend i am not doing a well in school a i should be and i really need to be more proactive and motivated but i feel no motivation some day to even do anything school related i havent been eating well a lot of day been eating a lot of fast food and skipping meal some day there are night where i barely get enough sleep because i end up staying up most of the night being on my phone watching tv or playing video game i have set goal for myself that i want to workout more build myself up and eat better but i never stick to them i feel very anxious and depressed a lot of the time with the only relief i have felt come from hanging out and talking with friend i have some really great friend that i am very close with and a wonderful family that would do anything for me but i can t help but feel alone i feel a great need for companionship and i have been trying to get into a relationship for a long time going from one person to the next but nothing ever becoming of it and we become stranger again it ha taken away a lot of my energy and exhausted my motivation and drive me further into my loneliness and add to my anxiety i have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past several month talking and going out with multiple girl not at the same time and it ending the same i just feel a void in my life some day and lately i have been spending a lot of time around friend to try and fill that void more than i usually do which could also contribute to me spending le time on school and a lot of other important thing i have barely been home in the past week because i wa with friend i feel completely empty and hopeless somedays and feel like my life is over i see others living their best life exciting thing happening having opportunity connection with others is just natural to them and just having a great time with life and then there s me who wish i could be that way but i know i am different than them and no one will ever see me like that i will always be by myself wherever i go and i used to be such a happy child excited for life not afraid to dream big and wonder about the future and just live in the moment but thing happened that turned me into what i am today i feel like a shell of who i could have been and that my younger self would be dissapointed in me i wish i could go back to when i wa about and not taken it for granted and go through life again with what i know now some day i really do not like the person i am turning into i do not thing that i am doing what s best for myself mentally physically and emotionally i feel like i m on a treadmill walking through life but not actually getting anywhere while watching everyone else pas me by i really need to break out of this mindset and change my life around if i am going to survive in this world and live the good and happy life that i always wanted and not a wasted life

doe depression destroy your brain cell like literally i feel like i can t connect with anyone and i think in certain situation

i never really experience sadness when depressed it other thought

been a long course she got sick over a decade ago and wa showing sign before 0 when i wa little idk why but i thought it wa my sole responsibility to protect her from harm my folk didn t get on well but there wasn t any violence between them but we the sole make son i had seen controlled violence against me trust me it wa hershey s kiss compared to what my old man got but i suppose it set that fear well now after a damn near decade of helplessness not being able to accomplish the purpose i gave myself i m not sure what to do with myself i ve been a bad son i ve been a bad brother i ve been a damn good uncle and that where i try to make up but every aspect of my being is tied up in his maladaptive relationship not the abject relationship with my mother but the consequence of her getting sick and the turmoil it caused the family never the le to myself a i watched the only person i trusted fade away idk i don t know if i could have done more i wa 9 when she got diagnosed and i just pushed it away externally but internally i bought a camera talked with her into the deep of the night but i couldn t help it wa what it wa i couldn t make right and when it all went to hell i went to hell and couldn t handle it tried to od twice after i knew the thing wa up and she wa no longer there there were glimmer but they were prob more in my mind than in truth well that sucked it wa awful i d imagine what we should know about this illness is it literally contorts the mind to it s own end deep depression take away your soul and breath it s true hell but thank god i wa lucky icu wasn t bad cause i don t remember trying to gain my muscle mass back after my kidney went all to shit sucked straight up took another year of therapy and just reintegrating with life to resemble stable and after that i had the pure delight of the best year since i wa a kid depression never go away but when life shine it shine it so damn hard to see that a a possibility when you are in the void but i swear to what ever god it doe exist it s a hard road but no harder of a road than you have seen before when you are in the void it is living a a shadow inside of a shadow it s being a observer and not a participant and seeing life for it brutal nature without being able to taste it fruit is utterly awful but for those who can t smell the fruit it s there i swear on my life my utterly maladjusted fucked up terribly prob gon na die of some impact of my attempted od s dipshit life that fruit is worth it i m at the end of an era and i m frankly worried i m gon na relapse i in fact know i will and i m going to want to die again after the sum of all my fear a a child being realized i can t imagine any different but i know know better i m setting up appointment with folk once i bury my mom i pretty sure in some sense i will die but i know it s worth the fight to not truly die it would be a waste my small dumbass experience a a kid when my folk were healthy basically said this kid need therapy

hey guy something that ha really helped me in my mental health journey is to find friend to connect with if anyone want to talk so that we can check in with each other and just have an online buddy let me know it s really great to talk to someone we re in this together

no clue where to put this so it s going here a while back i wa asked what caused you to start drinking so heavily my default respond to that ha always been it s just how i am which for the most part is correct deep down i think i always knew the real answer now i am finally realizing it s truth it s love a little more context i have been sober for over year now and to be honest recently it ha really been tested and i ve come closer than i ever have to relapsing it is worth mentioning i m not the type of person to actively seek a romantic relationship i have had a few very brief fling over the year but nothing i would consider serious and for the most part i have been okay with it but now i have actually caught real feeling for someone and i am falling hard so hard it s really scaring me it s causing me to want to hide from the feeling a i used too by drinking after year of counseling i wa given better tool to help process certain feeling that could lead to me drinking which i do believe they have helped me recently because i actually did something i didn t think i wa capable of i told her how i felt too my surprise she actually didn t tell me no but she didn t exactly say yes either which is why i am feeling the way i am now i believe now i feel like i m on a rollercoaster of high and low i see her and talk to her daily a we do work together however some day she seems so distant and shut off others it seems to me she s overly flirty we have gone out once it didn t really go a planned but it wa still nice now to the stuff that is really eating at me she had just gotten out of a relationship a while back i know it didn t end well and when i told her how i felt she said she still wa trying to get over her ex and she wa confused which is understandable and i want to give her time and space but at the same time i don t want to miss my chance especially because i have not felt this way about anyone for over 0 year to make thing worse her ex is also a coworker in our department and i have seen them leaving together after work multiple time a week which to be fair is really her business but if she really would rather be with him why don t she tell me that s what s killing me i feel like she is using me a a fallback or a second choice i really hope it s not the case i do not think i could handle it i just wish i knew for sure how she felt i can handle being rejected it the limbo i feel like i m in i can t handle and honestly i don t know what to do about it i m so scared i m going to slip one day and have a drink if that happens i know i won t recover from it and i ll loose everything i worked so hard to achieve there s more detail if anyone ha any question if anyone can tell me what i should do please feel free anything is better than how i feel now

i have been on prozac wellbutrin for a few month and other depression medication for over a year now i wa told from the beginning i need to go to therapy but wa just too exhausted to pick up the phone and try to find one i ve slowly started getting my energy and motivation back and gave my first session scheduled this month i want to hear other people s experience did you start with medication or therapy first i have heard people say start with therapy but in my case i would have never even made an appointment without the medicine to pull me out of my depression i m hoping therapy help me with coping mechanism and help me get back on track after being depressed for so many year

my depression is taking a turn for the worst the thought about offing myself are starting to become more frequent again there s barely anything going on in my life yet my anxiety feel so overwhelming that one would think i live a busy life i feel so hollow all the time and i don t like it it s starting to get to the point where i can t even do anything because my depressive thought just intrude on every part of my day that it s preventing me to actually be productive i have essay to write for my uni class but all i do is stare at my laptop because i can t even cry i attend my lecture and join class discussion because everyone say that engaging in those thing will increase the likelihood i ll pas but i barely remember what s going on at all or what i m saying how do i function to live at least until the semester is over

im a year old college student who is supposed to graduate this may the only problem being i havent been able to get out if bed to go to class in a month i have lost nearly all of my motivation and feel trapped by my mind the only time i leave my house is to go to work because i need the money or go to the gym because it is one of the only thing that make me feel alive happy anymore ive reached out to professor and advisor telling them i just need help but they have been essentially useless instead of being pointed towards cap ive just been told to give up and widthdraw from my class and it taking an even larger toll on me i just need a break from everything and everyone

so this is going to sound stupid so im sorry if it is but im honestly not sure if im actually depressed ive had thought about commiting for about three year but it not thought like oh i need to die it more like im not going to accomplish anything in life so why bother going through any more pain little bit of background one of my friend killed himself freshman year and now im going to be graduating with out him most people at my school view me a that one immature kid due to the fact that thats just my sense of humor ive been bullied for the way i act and my height since th grade im taller now but it still hurt and my mother left me at year old on my father doorstep and she show up every once in a while looking worse and worse every time telling me how she miss me and my brother and sister are missing me i later on learned that she left because the cop were coming for her and she ran all the way to florida to get away were in maine also my stepmother ha issue do to her father being messed up and she tends to take out her anger on those arounder so she wont snap at work there a fight roughly once a week and about a week ago durring one of those fight my father yelled at her saying that it my mother fault im like this because she would take pill when she wa pregnant with me and also smoke amp x 00b sorry if this turned into something else and got of topic i just need some advise is all if thats okay

i hate what happened i thought i could be happy even just for a moment it make everything else so much worse and it couldn t have happened at a worse time

i am feeling worried for myself it almost a m and i can t sleep im not sure if it just because i can t sleep or if it my inner fight between staying alive or ending it these thought never go away it suck when people don t understand my sudden mood change or decision but i understand why they don t im just saying what i am feeling or thinking my heart always feel so heavy a if i put weight on it i feel like cry all the time everything in life is so boring or doesn t feel right i often get confused on what is real and what isn t real i don t have a therapist anymore because money is tight so im using this reddit post a a venting place because no one know me here and it s nice

i give up i won t ever get better my life will be the same for the rest of my life my youth is already wasted i m rotten inside the pill on my desk are a constant reminder but also a comforting way out anytime i would want to the light from my window is a reminder of how the world will go on and forget about me i like that thought i used to feel ashamed for always feeling ignored and not seen but now it s all i want please hate me it will be so much easier please forget about me please don t think about me you deserve better fuck you screw you don t make a face like that you ll get wrinkle you re crazy you re stupid you don t know anything why are you like this why are you laying on your bed all day why did you ignore all the sign mom i m hurt and i want to die why did you forget about the time i told you i tried to kill myself why did you say ew at the time why did you tell me to never do it again why did you tell me we re just gon na have to make it on our own i wanted help i m hurt i m angry and frustrated it s too late for me to get better i want to disappear

so i m nearly and since about age i ve struggled 90 of the time with everything feel lost with my life and job don t have the drive to want or even put in effort into finding a girlfriend in a job i don t really want a future in but have no interest or enthusiasm about anything i am just plodding along and it s so so shit have friend that are starting to establish themselves and live quite happily and progress in themselves so all i do is compare and procrastinate don t like spending money have about 0k saved up and a car worth about k which in the grand scheme of thing is nothing so i just see myself living this shit average little life with no actual purpose and that i m running out of time but don t seem to do anything about it the laziness is mental laziness not physical fail to see any improvement or have any positive outlook because all i think about 00 of the time is what s wrong in my life my whole perception of everything is bad and all in my head can t shift it because it feel so natural now brain fog for about year shit memory no focus can t think straight or rationally don t know if i m too hard on myself or expect too much or if i know i can be doing better i just don t even know is how i d sum up my feeling

so i recently wa put up for a promotion at work to a position that would allow me to work le hour le day and make more money while also furthering my future i have never been happier until recently i m in the final stage of the process to get hired but i m still currently in my previous position we have a rule at work you can be late once per 0 day if you go over that you get written up and put on a disciplinary level which wouldnt be so terrible if one of the stipulation of being put on a disciplinary level is being unable to transfer position for a year so on sunday morning i wake up and start making breakfast what i do every morning on my day off i ve been off every other weekend for the past year so i go into autopilot and sit at the table look at the clock and think i d be at work right now so am roll past and while i m wating i see my phone buzz so i pick it up and look at the screen and see the word that make my heart climb into my throat every time bos where are you you were scheduled for i scramble upstairs so fast i knocked over the table and chair and took some picture frame off the wall of the stair but i get to work and think it s fine it okay i just cant be late for 0 day easy enough day later it s an unbelievably slow day so we all order sushi and i drew the short straw to pick it up take me minute to get there pick up the food and start heading back so i m at a stop light about minute from my job when i see a car blast through the light and tbone a truck causing a huge accident and blocking my path back to my job i feel my heart sink and my ear ring the closest way back is an extra 0 minute at least this asshole running a red light may cost me my job i m not proud of it but i sped the entire way there to get back to the hospital i sprint out of my car leaving the food i get inside and dive to the time clock and swipe my card time punched 0 late at this point i just stand there for a second unsure of what to do do i tell my bos do i try to fix it do i lie i finally decide to text my bos and explain the whole scenario in detail expecting to get back a next step a scolding reassurance or anything instead i get back one word ok ok what doe that even mean i want to press it further but i m so scared of fucking up even more i ve taken on extra responsibility this week and picked up hour of overtime over the next week a a subtle way of saying please dear god dont put me on a level i need this promotion this all happened day ago and i m living in panic every one of these day since that i m going to get the hey can you meet me in my office now call thatll signal the end of my dream to progress i m not sure what to do at this point but i just had to get this out tl dr asshole running a stop sign and causing an accident could cost me my dream job

currently facing lot of family problem my mental health is really suffering i dont know what to do i am in high school i dont think i am able to study more because of my family s financial problem also i dont have any true friend so i did not share my feeling and situation to anyone please help anyone

recently i just keeping feeling the void in my body and mind it s burning myself slowly i no longer have desire to anything or anyone like life itself ha lost it meaning to me i m angry a well been trying really hard to hide my emotion so i can continue my daily life a a person i m not cry for help but my situation is worse than i described i m thinking of ending thing hope that can make ppl happy thanks for reading my petty litter word have a good day folk

hi there i ve spent the past couple of month dealing w anxiety depression and depersonalization and trying changing medication i am on a part time work plan where i work remotely in the afternoon even though i go to bed at a very decent hour i find it so difficult to get up in the morning i will make plan to get up before 9 and get thing accomplished make an appointment etc and despite all this i just turn my alarm off and sleep until noon when i have to log on for work i just dont want to be awake i need to get back to work soon and will be getting up at my old time of 0 am every day but i have no idea how ill do it thing like that used to be so normal before but now i barely want to be awake or leave the house doe anyone else struggle with this are there any tip you recommend to try to get your day started without dread

hi all i ve recently gotten out of a pretty long depressive episode i ve cleaned my room and done my laundry my biggest issue is now the dish i ve acquired quite a few dish in my room and today a few of my roommate noticed that some thing have been gone a while how do i put them back without them really noticing that it s back all at once and saving me from their anger and even more embarrassment

i dont know what to do

i m slipping into a deep deep depression divorce failed business losing my home many regret etc etc i need a direction in my life i can focus and work hard on but i don t even know where to begin i need someone to help me a there s no way i can do it myself i have adhd so my mind go in a million direction all the time is a good life coach what i need

i try and try but i just can t do it

i am in my office s toilet for about an hour now and i can not stop cry i wa having a good day for a change after a really long time in a while but one bad moment wa enough to push me into this mess i have been trying to make myself stop from cry because i need to go back to my desk but these stupid tear won t stop and my eye look bloodshot right now and i forgot my eye drop in my purse life suck

i have this tendency to abandon pretty much everything when something or someone becomes somewhat of a challenge i just leave them i have ghosted girlfriend i have completely disregarded good friend just because they invited me to do something i did t want to do i have abandoned friend who had lent me a hand i have abandoned work just because i didn t feel capable i make stupidi excuse and then run away yesterday i stood up from my new job and left made a bogus excuse v a text and quit via email the job had a lot of potential but it wa too stressful for me i have just noticed this is a pattern in how i cope with thing every time i feel trapped i just want to bust out i have a deep rooted belief that i need to be in control of my time and my space and when something or someone interferes with that i should be entitled to claim my supposed freedom i don t know how to deal with this i just noticed this pattern and i can see how it affect my life p english is not my first language typing on phone

i m on mobile so please excuse me i m also a first time poster on here female i quit a job i had for year last year in may of 0 i wa really good at that job one of the top people even if it wa just a warehouse job i wa a trainer i knew how to do everything and a lot wa expected of me everyday my bos wa incredibly verbally abusive to everyone i didn t realize it for a few year but my last two year being there she wa talking bad about everybody behind their back and just being a horrible human i finally quit one day when i got a different job with an old coworker i wa working that job for about month before i started to struggle going at first it wa because i felt inadequate and tired all the time i have a problem with being new at thing it progressed to a new coworker there wa starting to push my boundary a little bit older man telling me what to do and making me feel dumb which i know is my own issue i realize this whole post is my own issue but anyway i ended up leaving that job because every time i wa there i wa going to the bathroom to cry at least once and i couldn t make myself do it anymore and between that place and the job i m at now i had three other job one wa amazon delivery the other wa a daycare and the one before that wa just instacart i couldn t make enough money on instacart to even be a part time job it wa also putting stress on my car but i loved being able to work for myself basically and create my own hour i hated how the kid at daycare were treated and it disgusted me to the point i couldn t work there anymore and amazon hour were terrible and i wasn t getting home until 9 00 p m which doe not work for my year old son i finally got this job in january of this year and so far it ha been pretty good but i ve noticed that i m struggling to go a full 0 hour pay period in the past month i ve missed seven day which is a lot i suppose i just wake up in the morning and struggle to go and a voice in my head tell me that i don t need to and everything will be okay even if i decide not to go a long a the excuse i have is good enough and then i get so anxious about going back that i decide to stay home the next day and the day after that i m currently on my third day of being at home and even though i have a good excuse i m sure they don t believe me a little bit i don t know what s wrong with me i ve always been a hard worker and up until my breaking point last year i didn t know what this wa i still don t know what it is that i m feeling i m not feeling entitlement or anything like that i just feel empty and numb and what s the point of going i have to have a verbal argument with myself let me say that again with myself i literally have to talk out loud to myself and argue that i have a house payment i have bill i have a kid who also ha bill what is wrong with me my family on both side ha history of depression and i have unprofessionally diagnosed adhd my mom ha anxiety disorder last year when i quit my job i left because of the work environment and how bad it wa and now my new job it s more laid back but it s the same kind of job nd i m constantly worried i m being talked about and that i m not good enough to be there my anxiety from the other job is transferring here for no reason everyone is incredibly nice i m also struggling internally because i really want to go to college and get a better kind of job but i don t know what i want to do yet i m feeling overwhelmed by it because i m a single mom and i don t know how i m going to be able to go to school and work at the same time so i guess for the past couple month i ve also felt pretty trapped feeling like i ll never work for myself and i ll never get a good job because i can t figure my life out but ha anyone experienced this kind of feeling at my age i don t know if it s burnout or if it s related to my cptsd that i have from a physically abusive relationship from year ago i ve tried looking it up on google i ve tried listening to meditational motivation stuff and anyone give me help in the form of advice i don t want to be like this forever i know it s understandable to not want to work but i should be at work literally right now and instead i m in bed speak texting this because i know something s wrong with me i can t afford to do anything therapy right now so just any insight or story from when you were my age and you broke a little bit i m just scared and tired and i want to kick myself in the as but i don t know how and i don t have the energy too i really don t need to hear anything negative about me because i can tell you i m already thinking it i just feel like a waste of space who can t get her s together that my son deserves a better parent than me

this suck because im so appreciative about what i have esspecially after what ive gone through i feel so stupid complaining about anything now honestly because at the back of my mind im like i made it in a way but im more alone then ever and i dont know what to do honestly

nowadays i find that thing simply don t make me very happy like video game reading watching tv i have felt pretty neutral over the past couple of month but god i feel so stupid saying that the only thing that make my day feel like it ha meaning is my shit supermarket job where i rearrange product and basically ruin the day of whoever work in that aisle i just like being told to do something and getting away from my not so nice home life i m exhausted during every shift and have passed out twice at work before but it the only thing that make my life feel like it ha any point i feel like i want to take more hour so i can avoid this constant boredom but my job also make me feel so anxious and exhausted i don t know what to do it sound so pathetic and stupid

i ve so many health issue and i m only starting with atopic and seborrhoeic dermatitis and psoriasis through endometriosis and hypothyroidism to ibs fucked up hip and pelvic floor and that s not even all and obviously only phisical thing that are wrong and i really try to take care of all of this problem but it s exhausting and for what to live in a world where everything is getting more and more fucked up every minute the pandemic the war the famine that s probably gon na come soon a a result of the war i m polish so very much can feel the effect of what s happening in ukraine i m also vegan and knowing that so many animal are still suffering and the price of everything are going up i don t even think i can afford to live anymore and i m really trying going on a walk in the forest everyday doing yoga eating healthy just generally taking care of myself like a normal person would but i just can t see the light at the end of the tunnel rant over

i m not the same person and i didn t like the person i wa before that so it s not even considered a loss but now i just stopped caring i genuinely stopped caring and it make me want to hate myself but the thing is im too exhausted to even hate myself i just feel like nothing just an empty space where a human used to be i ve stopped caring and it scare me i know the final step is when you stop caring and im at this step i don t care to pursue my passion or talent because whats the point why live a live when i will be forgotten why wa i even made like why even bother trying what even is the point in living if i can t be bothered to try

kk i know it sound weird and i can t quite explain it myself so i wa hanging out with a few friend yes i m surprised i have friend too and anyway they invited one of their friend who i didn t know so i started hanging out with this friend of theirs and i wa genuinely happy while hanging out with her i can t really describe it a anything other than i liked her i would ve tried something but i started thinking about how much of a shitty useless person i am even if i tried anything there s no chance that she d even want anything to do with me fuck i just needed to get that bullshit off my chest sorry for wasting your time people

it never actually get better it seems like it is but it s not it s just a lull until it come back again even stronger i m done i m obviously not worth keeping around and deserve to be buried and forgotten who tf am i to want anything fucking idiot

i genuinely wish i could say fuck this i m out there s so many responsibility and yet so little life in me to carry all those thing i just hurt someone i love accidentally of course because i wa trying to hurt my self and that s so fucking depressing and embarrassing for god sake i m almost and still acting like a bratty teenager my body hurt my heart hurt can someone please just kill me already

a little about me first i have always been the type of person to see thing only black and white i live my life through fact and being direct im very detailed and observant i observe people behavior and see who they really are are they genuine fake im also the type of person who analyzes everything could be over thinking i analyze every conversation every behavior every tone and i start to over think doe this person hate me did i say the wrong thing i dont think i can change the way i am by not caring because i had a lot of pressure of being perfect or good enough growing up i define myself a a perfectionist and a people pleaser i hate who i am and i push so many people away in my life because i dont feel like anyone actually care about me i feel alone and im sad i started a program at school that is very competitive to get in i wa hoping to make friend there since we all worked so hard to get in it been about a year and i dont see any of them outside of school no one text me outside of school and during school no one talk about anything other than school it like no one actually care what i did over the weekend or how my life is i would put myself out there and be interested in others life and even invite them to do stuff but i always get turned down every time i get turned down it just another step deeper into depression i just hate the person i am and i feel like i dont belong in anyones life

before i start talking i want to apologise for my english skill since it s not my mother tongue i just need to vent somewhere but i am also asking for help but most importantly i need someone to listen to me right now i have no idea on what to do i am a year old student who go to an art school staying in a boarding school under the week i have good parent and i love them and they love me but have little understanding that depression is actually an illness due to my depression i am very limited in talking about my feeling since it exhausting and i do not know how to express myself so when i m usually confronted my them i say i dont know an they ve grown tired of it i have been feeling more depressed but also suicidal starting to plan my suicide i wanted to take my life in late april probably by hanging myself i dont exaclty want to die but i just couldnt see any way of me feeling better but i want to feel better i dont want to take my own life i have a lot ahead of me a dear friend of mine and i talked to one of the worker in my boarding school and i told them everything since i wa afraid of taking my own life but i didnt talk to my parent since on my side it very difficult to explain this my mum is one of the few people that got damaged by the covid vaccine the doctor didnt take her serious and she suffered so much the past few month breaking down and falling down the stair one time my dad is a very busy man and i feel like he is just i dont know how to explain but emotionally not there often i know this is just my point of view and doe not reflect reality but i basically feel like this towards my parent the worker in my boarding school made up option stay in boarding school and looking for a therapist tomorrow calling my parent to take me home and to go to the mental hospital immediately i just didnt know what to do so the worker had to call my parent they chose to take me home even tho the worker said that my father sounded on the phone like he wa understanding the reality looked different my parent where of course overwhelmed and angry i tried my best explaining everything for example my mother said i didnt even try to get a new therapist but i did my best when we got home it got worse my father asked stuff like how i wanted to take my own life i didnt want to tell him later my mum came downstairs and we all talked well not really they were overwhelmed and seemed angry tho they said they werent my parent screamed at me saying i didnt try to reach out to them questioning why i didnt talk to them but they said that they cant tell me reality or else i d start panicking an cry they told me that i cant accept the truth and i m panicking because of this that i m acting up cause i wa cry like a madman i felt like my world wa shattering they screamed at me that i wasnt trying my best and that i didnt even try i tried to explain to them that i wa scared to tell them and stuff i tried my best but i dont think they really understood they want me to go a mental hospital but i know this would make thing worse for me i neez my friend in boarding school but i know that this cant keep going on i know that school itself make me feel bad but i have all my friend there that help me so much but they said that it s too late for me and i should have made the decision earlier i m just totally i dont know i cant stop cry i wa speechless to how they screamed at me breaking down in front of them and i dont know what to do or how i should handle the situation we wanted to go to my old therapist who isnt really good but we cant reach him i don t know what to do i am home right now but i wan na go back to my friend i really need them right now but if course i cant my mum is still saying how she cant keep up with me and shes overwhelmed with me can someone help me please or at least can i have some comforting word im very sorry to anyone who ha to read this but thank you for listening have a good day or night

first off i have very little experience in dealing with anyone with depression i freely admit that over the past couple of month i have been chatting with and hanging out with this amazing woman i met on a dating app she ha severe anxiety ppd postnatal depression suicidal thought etc we d hit thing off pretty well just from chatting over the app from what i thought there were a couple of time where she d wanted to end her life so she tell me but she managed to get past that the first time i met her in person wa amazing i had never ever felt so at ease taking with a woman before it went really well at that point i knew this chick wa worth the time we just clicked that well instantly since then we ve done a couple of day trip place and that went very well also one of those time wa with her young child le then yo she doesn t have a lot of time for herself and find it hard to get a decent night sleep partly to do with the young one waking in the middle of the night lately she s had a couple of very low moment her home life isn t the best still living at home because finically she can not afford to leave she get abuse from her mother constantly and also seems to live in fear especially when her child is being loud it could wake her mother a of last week she admitted that she really liked me i have been clear all along that i really like her just so she s not thinking that she s in limbo i live over an hour away from her but i do travel up to her home town for work at least twice a week sometimes le sometimes more there s some weird thing where she doesn t want her mum knowing about me so consequently i cant see her that much unless mum is not home which really suck i find it hard to deal with when it feel like she s giving me the cold shoulder i know it s the depression that s doing it not her true feeling one of her red flag about dating me is that i don t know understand her mental health however the way i see it is if you don t tell me then i can t understand but apparently that wa not the way to approach that one i d love for nothing more then to give her a big hug that in the hope that it might make her feel a little better about thing but unfortunately i don t get the opportunity she know that i will come up any time i don t mind driving at all so i don t let that be a barrier plus i can afford to do so i m scared to loose her because i really want her and i to work at time i want to just say stuff it and walk away but i know that s not what i want amp x 00b if anyone ha experienced the same thing or something similar your advice is much appreciated

i think the pandemic hit me hard i moved out of my childhood home of 0 year week before the pandemic hit i had worked job and saved for year for a deposit on a place of my own which in the very expensive city i live in wa 0kms away from my family it felt like such an amazing achievement at the time but ever since then mentally i ve never been the same i am so lonely yet i enjoy living alone i am a highly anxious person i always wa but now i just worry all the time i move about life with a permanent storm cloud over my head i struggle to regulate my emotion i am getting more and more overweight and can not seem to stop eating bad food i quit my job in 0 and got a new one but i have never quite been happy or settled there i have tried mindfulness regular exercise breathing technique everything you can think of i went to the doctor for help with regulating my low mood and she put me on the pill which ha made thing even worse i am feeling thing lower than ever before i had a really bad day at work today and for the first time ever i thought not in any way seriously or actionable but the thought popped into my mind how suicide would be an option to not have to deal with thing everyone around me seems to be so busy with husband wife kid activity etc i seem to be getting left behind how do i cope with this how do i get back to being happy and determined and not so down and low

this is a really long rant but i just needed to get it out i feel like i m starting to become a better version of myself one that people like respect and want to be around and i just can t stop beating myself up for not being this version in college when i wa nearly suicidal and i lost some friend who kept abandoning me and affirming the horrible thought i wa already having last year one of my roommate lowkey bullied me and i started to believe i wa a terrible person and wa overthinking everything i ever said wrong especially when a couple other friend abandoned me at the same time over something they were upset i said which i think could have been resolved with communication but they didn t try but i talked to my other former roommate recently and she said that i wa fine that i didn t deserve any of it and she didn t know what i wa going through at the time a she said don t just turn the page close the fucking book and i started to feel like i wa getting closure about stuff so i thought i would text one of the other people who sort of broke up with me it s been a year i just apologized for how shit went down in the friend group without blaming her or anyone else and really poured my heart out about how dark my mental health wa at the time and i said she could apologize to the other girl who i believe blocked me if she wanted i know it wa a little selfish to unload like that but i made sure to say that i didn t expect anything of her and she didn t need to respond and she didn t reply but she did like my instagram post today i know they don t owe me anything and i swear i m not mad but i think part of me wa still holding on hope to some form of closure part of me hoped that they still cared that maybe they would care a little if they knew how dark it wa for me at the time i know that s selfish but damn the last few time we hung out were just me doing her favor and giving her ride before she broke up with me a a friend so to speak but no one cared a soon a i wasn t a fun friend they bounced at the first sign of conflict mental illness and again i m not mad i m not gon na harass anyone with text expectation but it really fucking suck to feel like i ve been going through this horrific and terrifying period just to discover that no one cared it wouldn t have mattered if they knew they just couldn t be bothered

i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right

i ve lost year of my life to the pandemic i became a slob i forgot how to care for basic hygiene and everything i own is tight and uncomfortable i have no job or any motivation to find one i waste away everyday but during all of the last two year i had supportive friend and i think i finally overdid it yesterday a friend of mine who i m closest to called me lazy she know about my depression my bad reaction to medication which made me stop taking them and how i m treated a a sub human at home and yet she called me lazy this is the first time i ve been called lazy and i m so heart broken my irl support system ha crumbled and now i have no one i can talk to about anything i hate how being burnt out is seen a laziness i m so tired

title say it all really bit of context i ve been depressed for the better part of year it started late into high school i ve been referred to multiple mental health service none of which have helped i wa first referred to cahms when i wa i stopped going to these session due to me not being able to open up i wa then referred to samh about a year later this wa also no help finally i wa referred to the community mental health team lanarkshire these session were in person where i spoke to a qualified mental health nurse i honestly have no fucking clue how this guy got his job he wa totally unprofessional had this patronising attitude the entire time wa rude and condescending at point and even laughed at me when i said i felt mediocre the one silver lining here wa that he had the ability to refer me onto a psychotherapist which he said that i wa on a month waiting list for i didn t continue going to these session however i assumed i d still be on the waiting list i remember my final session with him i told him i wa suicidal again cut to about month later i phone them back up to check the progress on the waiting list and when i d be seeing a psychotherapist i wa told by a receptionist that i m not on any waiting list this wa very distressing to me because it felt like i had been waiting all this time for nothing it turn out that they discharged me because i didn t continue going to the session i m at my wit end here i keep trying to get help but the nh is just straight up incompetent i wrote a letter to my gp explaining the situation and i got a phone call basically telling me there s nothing they can do and that i have to phone the community mental health team to see if i can get back on the waiting list i m so annoyed all this time spent waiting to finally get some proper help and this happens i don t know what to do please if there s anyone out there who s been through a similar experience tell me what to do

this thread it s i don t know what i d do without it i m rarely ever on reddit and when i am i m on it for this i m on it because i m so overwhelmed by by everything and i m too scared or ashamed or or just so fucking tired to go to family friend my fucking partner to walk them through what i m feeling and how how it s not how it s not how it is how it is there s no reason it just happens it just happens it just happens and here r depression here here i feel safe and whenever i have a breakdown i come here to rant to feel to collect my thought even if no one read even if people do it s here i go to rant anonymously often drunk on alcohol sometimes but often drunk on emotion here is where i feel safe where i can be not who i am irl but an anonymous eddingsaurus rex amp x 00b it s okay had a bad day hand are bruised from breaking rock all day amp x 00b fuck depression fuck this fuck this feeling i hate myself i hate this i hate this so much i can t and it s working hour for fuck sake it s working hour i m supposed to be prodcitive ficmk this kyuck this shit

been on mirtazapine for week made my depression way worse and didn t do anything for anxiety it s mostly for anxiety i havent really went into detail about depression but it s supposed to be effective for both right im gon na have to start smoking weed again will that have an effect

it s so strange waking up everyday with this sense that you want thing to go back to the way they were like your brain ha it own lil trumpster lying to you telling you your childhood wa better before or you were happy before you started this job etc the truth is it s always sucked though lol there are brief moment now where you feel like thing are okay but it s more of a lack of feeling i ve always thought i wa broken because this ha been my constant state since i wa so small i thought i d grow out of it or i wouldn t but life only continues to throw curveballs to others i seem high functioning though kind of emotional but i can t get myself to focus on anything i can t wake up on time for work i work in insurance sale so i hate what i do i have to pretend to care about people and their problem but it just hurt so bad all of the time i know my boyfriend doesn t understand he s in medical school and ha his own struggle but i know he feel love he tell me he doe i don t and even if i do see briefly in his eye that he doe care for me i quickly forget depression ha made me into a terrible person i should be so lucky to have someone who love me so much to have my look my wit and the opportunity i ve been afforded but i can t help but feel so completely destitute he ha helped me find some confidence in myself with pursing going back to school but i m just so tired of it the sale call the application car issue bill health stuff and every other fucking thing when will i be able to do the thing i need to do like eat meal a day have the energy to learn new thing exercise also ha anyone had any luck with any online therapy medication consultation

i m a yr old female and i wa diagnosed with bipolar when i wa almost been a month but i ve noticed that my anger ha totally converted into full rage when i wa just depressed a month before it s been year since my dad death but it isn t a normal death he wa murdered in cold blood because he wa running for politics i have been trying to seek help from therapist but it isn t enough for me to let go and move on my older brother and boyfriend have been trying to convince me to move on but it s not easy i don t think i can i ve been feeling very vengeful more than before about this situation but every time i let out my anger i go full rage and when that episode is over i can t help but feel hopeless and fucking worthless i cry my heart out but then i m filled with anger and rage again even conversation with my boyfriend would make me snap but instead of taking it out on him i simply tell him i need to call him back then i self destruct sometimes i feel like he doesn t really care since he sends me one worded text but it s whatever it isn t his problem don t know if i m alone in this one or if anyone feel the same a me

i come from a pretty african evangelical household where mental health wasn t talked about or addressed growing up in the last few year i ve noticed intense wave of sadness and internal pain turn from short stint of time to practically everyday now there will be time period of elation but for the most part my disposition ha remained sad on an almost daily basis i feel anger irritability deep sadness about the way thing haven t worked out for me in the past or currently or intense rejection from others who may not intend their action to be rejection for example the housemate i live with are a married couple who i wa in their wedding so we re all friend when i first moved in they would always have dinner with me asking me what i wanted to eat for dinner but that ha tapered off and tonight i walked in from work late and saw they had dinner together and were enjoying tv it broke me and i went to my room feeling intense inner pain this stuff is so new to me i have no clue how to continue through life because nobody know i struggle with this i don t even know where to begin to share with others or begin to understand what help i need any advice would be much appreciated

i don t think i m being irrational i know that nobody will ever want to be with me romantically im getting more depressed by the day and i already notice my few friend distancing themselves i can t blame them i m sure i m not fun to be around there s very few people with whom i feel like i can share how i m really feeling but doing so just push them away i need my life to be different not to be stuck in this worthless body i need optimism but there s none left in me i don t think i ll ever be able to kill myself so it s just going to be 0 0 0 maybe even 0 or 0 more year of this void maybe i ll be struck by lightning or something finger crossed

today i wa prescribed xanax and celexa for my depression and anxiety i have major anxiety about taking pill the side effect freak me out especially when it come to mental medication i ve took zoloft in the pas for a couple day and it freak me out with suicidal thought very angry and ticked off i m scared this might happen again i m so lost on what to do i really need the help but scared of the help

someone said this to me today he wasn t being serious it wa just banter his bros would probably be like yea you re right i do have great tit but it really opened up a healing wound for me being bullied growing up for my look i ve always been fat and people have used that against me for year these past few year i ve been healing feeling much better about myself and started to gain confidence i don t think i m ugly i m very much average and curve are much more appreciated nowadays but the feeling of inadequacy just never truly go away sometimes when i m really down i ll start self criticising and it ha crossed my mind that people who talk to me are just attracted to me physically i m not the most interesting person i m not funny i don t get joke sometimes and i take thing too seriously i ve been girlfriend zoned so many time it s tiring i just shut myself off from society men who were interested in me were never really interested in my hobby interest whatever they always complimented me on my look but that wa it if i ever tell them that i m not interested even if we talked every single day and were friend they d just ghost me it wa just something he said but wow wa it hurtful i cried for the first time after month of emotional numbness i cried because it wa probably true to a certain degree and i feel like shit

i m fucking and why the fuck do i still feel this shit fuck fuck fuxk fuxk fuck fuck this i hate this

i m amp i literally can t imagine a future here for myself at all i only see my depression worsening a time go on working crappy minimum wage job still all alone living alone with no one to care about me the list go on amp on i seriously feel like one day i will eventually commit suicide like it just my destiny amp i m becoming more amp more content with it a time go on i do put this down to myself just not functioning well in a capitalist society and i ve pretty much accepted i just have no place in a world like this do you guy feel like this too

i can t remember a time when i wasn t struggling i ve wanted to die for a long a i can remember and i m worried i m no longer afraid of death i just don t understand myself i can get up every day and do everything i need to put my retainer in and wash my face before i sleep get great grade but no one know how much my body ache and how hard i have to push myself to do all those thing i joke around my friend and plaster this fake as smile on my face around everybody but i contemplate my death every night every single night and i can never sleep before am anymore yet i wake up bright and early a if i didn t almost kill myself the night before there wa a point in my life where i didn t get out of bed for month didn t brush my teeth for week failed every class never spoke to anyone and got sickly skinny from loss of appetite it wa so awful and i never want to return to that state again that i let myself fall apart now trying to keep my composure and no one know there s not a single soul in my life who s aware though i try to talk about it without dragging everyone down with me i ve also caught myself dissociating a lot more these day can t remember shit can t feel excitement at all or any other emotion other than despair and exhaustion and the terrible brain fog i just don t know what to do anymore don t know how much longer i can keep my act up i m repulsed by the idea that i d have to do this forever don t want to talk to anyone about it either in fear that i d just be a burden friend and family call me over dramatic and don t even take it seriously because they re never there to see how bad it is and idk how to show them don t even know what the point of me posting this is i doubt anyone would even see this or waste precious time reading through this long as post

so i live hour away from where i wa born and raised well my very best friend twin brother oded because someone put fentanyl into his drink smoke and he wa always like a brother to me but i can t make it to his funeral i hate myself for it i want to be there for my best friend and i want to be able to say goodbye to a good friend i haven t talked to him in a long time and the way we talked to each other wa just always giving each other a hard time and now i regret it so much and just wish i would ve kept up with him and been nicer and i have to miss his funeral because i don t know how to save my fucking money amp my job ha no one to replace me while i m gone fuck i wish i wasn t like this i can t stop cry about it or the fact that i feel like i m letting down my best friend by not being there for her she say it s okay and she understands but i can t help but feel like shit

in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to do something bad to myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening

i struggle to get the thing people take for granted my whole school life ha been extremely terrible and i used to get bullied very badly back in kindergarten and some of middle school im in highschool now and i have like no friend only acquaintance i dont go to the nice place that normal people go to for example never went to a waterpark never had a night out or went to the mall with friend or classmate never went to disneyland when i wa a kid never went on a mall shopping spree i ve only ever been too the mall twice in my whole life and i didn t even see all of the mall never went to dave and buster never went to an aquarium never had a female friend 9 never even had a casual conversation with a girl 0 no gift for christmas no gift for my birthday no friend no one to talk to and a million more thing that are normal for childhood i didn t experience that my childhood i dont even want to start on that i used to live in poverty in a room tiny house with a cracked wall and insect because my dad left u my dad left the house when i wa some month old and he took the car and drove slut in it regardless i wanted to speak to him i still visited him and forgave him but then he asked if i wanted to live with him in a bigger nicer country with more opportunity i said yes i experienced true mental torment in that house and the worst part is i didnt even know i thought my parent were the victim because they brainwashed me so much about some thing that i still sometimes struggle if i should believe them or not in that house i wa brainwashed to the point where i couldnt even think for myself i couldnt tell what wa true i couldnt think anything for myself i experienced some not good thing they said i can visit my mom in her country and they pick me up in day to go back to the airport waited day waited a whole week they never came they left me and abandoned me and just left me in some other country and fyi that country is one of the poorest one in my area the house im at now with my mom my sister grandma and uncle isnt perfect in fact sometimes i feel like im losing my mind there they re pretty creepy sometimes except for one of my uncle in the house they dont have any malicious intent or anything but i just dont want to get into it right now im a few pound overweight and almost got an eating disorder it not even my fault that im fat my mom said it because i took a medicine when i wa little and it had a side effect of weight gain i literally eat 0x le than a normal person i dont even eat breakfast like 99 of the time on school day i used to get bullied shitless for my weight no social life no friend thats another depression aswell more ticked off the board no big deal my life so far ha been full of depressing thing so something like this doesnt seem that big anymore this is only 0 of my life s shitness if i went into everything then id prob have to spend like and a half hour typing my life ha just been an absolute mess and what you saw my post is just a fraction of my life so far person trauma is just a small fraction of mine those people who ha a dark phase probably had a good phase they had a normal life and they at least had a period in their life where they were happy i just want to enjoy my life is that too much to ask i feel so jealous of those people who can live a normal life in a normal nice house with story with friend with people to talk to my life ha just been bullshit after bullshit

nobody would care if i wa dead i don t think my family would even react i starved myself and fasted everyday and looked sick and no one even noticed or remembers

i m at that point it s just too much there s no way to even describe it anymore

ha anyone had trouble with making progress in therapy i ve tried therapy a fair bit throughout my life and i ve never really gotten anywhere this year ha been exceptionally hard for me and so i have thrown myself into therapy and put a ton of effort both into finding therapist who were a good fit a well a really trying to put effort into it unfortunately i seem to be a failure at it i ve had four therapist tell me after a few month of seeing me that they didn t think they were making any progress and although they all offered to keep seeing me if i wanted they didn t want me to waste my money i feel like a complete failure and lost cause i honestly don t know what it is that i m doing wrong

why am i like this sometimes i think about what people reaction would be if they found out i committed suicide sometimes i think it s the only way for people to understand and feel the pain i am feeling i know deep down i won t do it cowardice and my mom still being alive is the only thing stopping me i travel to and from work and i would always cry on the way i feel depressed i know i am depressed but if you would ask me why i wouldn t know where to start or what to say sometimes i don t even know why i m depressed i just am thing are seemingly going well and nothing bad ha happened yet why am i breaking down all the time and lashing out at others why do i feel this familar feeling in my chest like i m holding something back like i m on the verge of a break down i m not sure when it started but i m so scared of people i know my brain is telling me not to trust anyone or get close to anyone because i ll get hurt but i do it anyway i choose to believe that this time it would be different now im alone and i have nobody because i ve tried to protect myself from others look at me now trying to seek comfort from stranger i feel so pathetic and useless i want to be happy i want to not care about what others think of me i want to stop comparing myself to others and getting jealous of people my age who are more accomplished than me i want to be happy with who i am i want to love myself every year i would write in my journal my goal for the year and that would be at the top of my list do you know how tiring it i to pretend to be strong all the time it my own fault i did this i put my guard up and pretended to be knowledgeable a if i didn t suffer from anything imagine i m the one people go to for advice if only they knew how weak i really am how stupid i am i m so tired of reading body langauage facial expression and voice tone and trying to decipher word to see if it ha hidden meaning just to see if they are genuine living in fear of people and what they think of me absoutely breaking down at any mention of someone not liking me or liking something about me or what i did being cold and keeping people at arm length searching online meet people online and how to make friend online i m year old i ve been typing it in for year it dosen t work i m so lonely i have friend but none of them know who i really am i put up a front for year now no one know how to approach me or what to say to me if they see me i don t reply to text message because to me it s a waste of time because they aren t my real friend if i don t keep them around then i m truly a loner i go out of my way to be there for them but nobody asks me if i m okay nobody asks anything about me everyone assumes i m okay i feel so unfulfilled i m unhappy with my current academia but i m procrastinating and making it worse i feel no motivation to study all i m doing is destroying my life what do i do i cant trust anyone i ve tried it for year and everyoe hasn t been genuine sigh i m lost

honestly i just need someone to talk to this ha been the worst month of my life im holding back tear just typing this because it feel like im getting closer to the end because i never ask for help i wa homeless for year with bed bug now i have a voucher so i live in a place now and im safe i just feel bad complaining abut this because it feel like i dont appreciate it and because ive been by myself my whole life it make everything so much harder because when thing go bad im on my own and im just tired of it i met this girl recently that we both practically fell in love with eachother instantly pale blonde brazillian girl she wa super sweet she might be bipolar to because this shit blew up in both our face within a span of a couple day also earlier this month a meth head tried to take my phone the bitch at the ssi building tried to 0 me then a dog bit me all in the same day but i wa chillin i recovered almost instantly but thing like family argument or the situation with this girl leave me feeling so upset for so long and dont get it im just tired of feeling sad i dont wan na feel like this anymore

don t really know if that make sense but it a sort of feeling i get a lot

today all good is dead i feel a little funny

going through a depressive phase probably will last for a week to the least i picked up project when i wasn t in this depressive episode and now i cut of any communication with those people a the time is passing my anxiety is rising so a to why i am not communicating what they will think judgement etc what are your thought

i wa wondering what to do somedays he is so down and feel so low all he want is stay home and never go out today we went for a walk and he said it wa nothing special but he thanked me for coming and said he had a good time i want to find something special and out of the ordinary to make him forget about all the pressure and all the thing he ha in mind that make him feel down depressed and so low any idea

sometimes i think i wa either born too early or too late for my life the shape of water anyone else feel this way sometimes i feel like somehow i wasn t supposed to be here i don t seem to fit in with my life finding someone i click with ha become like finding life on other planet at it s difficult not to momentarily succumb to feeling of quiet heart heavy despair

tl dr have been abused mentally and physically by both parent throughout my childhood and even now at year old very depressed and have suicidal thought failing school and have poor social life afraid to fight back because it will end up in conflict someone getting hurt and me getting kicked out of the house for the millionth time i still care about my parent for some reason and love them i dont know why and am hesitant to go to authority i have nobody to move in with not much money no car what do i do am i a coward i am currently in my second semester of community college i have lived through physical and verbal abuse throughout my entire childhood asian family beaten the crap out of every other day by drunk father my mother is mentally unstable and controlling and also hit and insult me don t want to get into specific because it would be lengthy and there too much but let just say the worst thing my father ha done to me wa crack my head against a table and i had to go to the er to get staple lied and said i knocked my head into the table by accident my mother burned me with a hair iron when i wa around ten and she say stuff like i am worthless should have never been born etc daily i am not a bad son very respectful my parent just have a lot of issue that stem from being abused from their parent too and are very controlling for much of my life i thought this treatment wa normal for example my mother would start hitting me if i didn t address her a mom when talking to her when she felt moody stuff like that not warranted last semester i took difficult stem class to be an engineer and on the morning of my calculus final my drunk father punched me in the mouth and i bled because i did not wake my brother up for school when he overslept i failed the final after that i told them i wanted to join the marine because i wa sick of home they apologized and promised to change they still talk shit to me but haven t hit me until last week my mother socked me in the back of the head for leaving the light on in the staircase of the house i felt betrayed since this is the first time they hit me in three month and i thought they really did change i screamed dont touch me and glared at her fist clenched and got wrestled to the floor and swung at by my father then kicked out of the house only allowed back in the house yesterday after sleeping on a park bench the whole weekend and eating fast food they called me and told me to come home they apologized but i know they didn t mean it just like every other time i am hesitant to fight back against my parent because apart of me still love them and who they are when they aren t angry i also know if i yell back or hit back never hit them before i would get kicked out of the house so i just take it i want to separate from them but i have nobody i could move in with and my depression affected my social life throughout my childhood with few friend that are all dorming at uni across state other extended family believe i m a bad kid because my parent twist the story around and make it look like i m the bad guy not close with any of them i have no car all the money i got from financial aid and scholarship my parent made me pay off their property tax the only thing i look forward to in life anymore is when i talk to a girl i like in one of my class never told her about my situation everyone i have opened up to this about tell me that i m being a pussy and should fight back but that would get me nowhere but back on the street or possibly hurt and injured and i don t want to hurt my parent what do i do am i a coward i just feel like life is not worth living anymore and i have lost all interest in school and my career

i am mentally exhausted i have so many problem that i can not deal with my older brother bully me daily and all i do is just sit and listen to it if i tell him to stop he will just continue to be more annoying i have a lot of health problem my parent dont want to take me to a doctor because they think i am lying so i have to do it myself i am not legal in my country i go to school and put on a fake personality and laugh people bully me even there not physcally but mentally they tell me i am dumb weird skinny crazy i have zero friend in real life i have online friend that used to help me with everything and even made a workout plan for me all of that faded since my health is sucking rn my parent call me crazy daily becayse i like ti play video game for hour a day that is crazy to them even tho everyone else tell them it normal all i feel inside if me is just fear sadness and hopelessness 0 good or happy thought i thoght dozen if time about suicide i can t do it i have ocd and that top of everything and obliderates my life and make me suffer even more i can t take it anymore i don t knoe where to go or what to do it like i don t belong anywhere or cant do anything all i can do is whine on random subbredit because i have no one to talk to is this all life really is i know you might say ohh but if you try to get yourself up and get motivated and do stuff trust me i tried it many time it fails because of family problem etc am i worth saving is my life really worth living

ppd amp work hi everyone i m month postpartum and for the past couple of month i ve been calling into work a lot i ve had depression anxiety for year but during my pregnancy it got wayyyy worse anyways i m grateful that my job hasn t said anything since i always have a sub i work at a high school a a paraprofessional but i just can t come around to wanting to be at work anymore i don t want to work i don t want anyone watching my baby i just want to be home with my baby i haven t been to work all week and want to call in tomorrow i cry at night with the thought of going into work i m trying to push to the end of the year so i can get paid thru summer then quit in the fall but i don t think i can even last these next month without missing so much work any advice what should i do my boyfriend tell me to push thru until the summer at least when we ll move into a cheaper home situation and he can be the sole provider but i m also about to get my income tax and i know that can compensate for my working wage until then i m just so lost idk what to do also i can t come around to taking my zoloft consistently because i feel like it won t help and there s no point i feel like i m just broken

i wish he would delete her and not talk to her anymore i have nightmare about her every day for month but now they ve gotten worse i wake up time each night and after am i can t fall back asleep i wake up cry feeling paranoid depressed and betrayed what doe she have that make her so important that it s worth hurting your girlfriend over to this severity it s not like i don t want him to talk to anyone but me recently i saw him hang out with a large group of people and i felt so happy inside i know being in a group and having people around him make him happy i could ve joined but didn t i wanted this to be his moment i want him to have lot of friend i m just not comfortable with him having a close friendship with this girl who ha an obsessive crush on him all while trying to keep it hidden and secret but i see it everywhere we ve already talked about it and he know how it destroys me seeing he hang out with her instead of me he ha deleted her before but a few month later added her again and now they hang out again it s ruining me

i wish i wa just normal everything is so hard for me i used to wish the world wa a better place but ive given up hope the world will never get any better and even if it did my mind is too fucked to be apart of it