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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX IF YOU COULD SAY ONE SENTENCE TO YOUR PAST SELF WHAT WOULD IT BE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um - "What's shake-a-lakin', past dude?" [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHAT'S SHAKE-A-LAKIN' PAST DUDE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You put me on the spot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need time to think of what I'd say to my younger self. What would you say, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Have confidence in this certainty: things will be alright." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? That's a little too after-school special for me and my past self. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd say "sending messages through time is possible, and you'll live long enough to take advantage of it!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not bad! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's already implied by the medium itself. I suppose I could take advantage of the "one sentence" policy and compose the longest most complex sentence ever, and pour my heart into it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That works too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But what to say? What to say? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] ANYWAY THE REASON I ASKED IS THAT I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IT READS "TELL PAST ME THAT SAYING 'BONERS AHOY' IS STILL WAY HILARIOUS IN THE FUTURE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you believe one person can |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX IF YOU COULD SAY ONE SENTENCE TO YOUR PAST SELF WHAT WOULD IT BE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um - "What's shake-a-lakin', past dude?" [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHAT'S SHAKE-A-LAKIN' PAST DUDE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You put me on the spot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need time to think of what I'd say to my younger self. What would you say, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Have confidence in this certainty: things will be alright." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? That's a little too after-school special for me and my past self. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd say "sending messages through time is possible, and you'll live long enough to take advantage of it!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not bad! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's already implied by the medium itself. I suppose I could take advantage of the "one sentence" policy and compose the longest most complex sentence ever, and pour my heart into it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That works too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But what to say? What to say? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] ANYWAY THE REASON I ASKED IS THAT I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IT READS "TELL PAST ME THAT SAYING 'BONERS AHOY' IS STILL WAY HILARIOUS IN THE FUTURE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT I WAS ALREADY ASSUMING THAT |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for going for - oh shoot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I forgot about my dentist's appointment! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Damn damn damn. I can't call now and reschedule because I'll have to admit that I forgot entirely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I'll probably have to explain that I had amnesia and the dentist will think I'm crazy. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You seem to have a lot of respect for dentists! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I do indeed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But DID YOU KNOW that dentists only clean your teeth and hang out with you because you pay them to? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He's not really your friend, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But. . . Dr. Cohen! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, but say it's passed, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for going for - oh shoot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I forgot about my dentist's appointment! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Damn damn damn. I can't call now and reschedule because I'll have to admit that I forgot entirely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I'll probably have to explain that I had amnesia and the dentist will think I'm crazy. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You seem to have a lot of respect for dentists! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I do indeed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But DID YOU KNOW that dentists only clean your teeth and hang out with you because you pay them to? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He's not really your friend, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But. . . Dr. Cohen! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He always seemed so enthusiastic! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was doing a search on my name and discovered that there's ANOTHER guy called "T-Rex" out there! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And he's a VEGAN! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HILARIOUS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Vegans are hilarious now? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, are they? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No no, I meant, "This is hilarious because he's vegan?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, no, it's hilarious because he's the opposite of me! He's a vegan while I'm adding meat to my milkshakes. When I'm high fiving people left and right, he's sitting around just leaving 'em hanging! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I'm taking a beautiful woman to dinner, he's helping a homely man throw up! When I'm writing a beautiful narrative, he's writing Koopa Troopa fan fiction. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sounds like he's having the more interesting evening. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I hate all those things |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was doing a search on my name and discovered that there's ANOTHER guy called "T-Rex" out there! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And he's a VEGAN! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HILARIOUS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Vegans are hilarious now? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, are they? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No no, I meant, "This is hilarious because he's vegan?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, no, it's hilarious because he's the opposite of me! He's a vegan while I'm adding meat to my milkshakes. When I'm high fiving people left and right, he's sitting around just leaving 'em hanging! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I'm taking a beautiful woman to dinner, he's helping a homely man throw up! When I'm writing a beautiful narrative, he's writing Koopa Troopa fan fiction. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sounds like he's having the more interesting evening. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not sure how that happened |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tattoos are insurance policies! They're ways of reserving who you are now for the rest of your life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I present proof! Proof by explaining what I just said! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When you get a tattoo, you're getting pictures or words - or both! - written right onto your flesh permanently, assuming you don't remove or alter them. And pictures or words are really just communication, and communication is really just ideas in transit, right? So a tattoo is really just Present You telling Future You "Look, this was important to me, so um, I kinda made sure you're not going to forget it." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's an insurance policy for personal development? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I get a Koopa Troopa tattoo, I know that no matter what happens to me in the future, no matter what jobs I take or interests I develop, I'll always be, AT MINIMUM, the sort of guy who has a Koopa Troopa burned into his flesh. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or a Koopa Para-troopa. Whatever. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What about all the good |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tattoos are insurance policies! They're ways of reserving who you are now for the rest of your life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I present proof! Proof by explaining what I just said! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When you get a tattoo, you're getting pictures or words - or both! - written right onto your flesh permanently, assuming you don't remove or alter them. And pictures or words are really just communication, and communication is really just ideas in transit, right? So a tattoo is really just Present You telling Future You "Look, this was important to me, so um, I kinda made sure you're not going to forget it." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's an insurance policy for personal development? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I get a Koopa Troopa tattoo, I know that no matter what happens to me in the future, no matter what jobs I take or interests I develop, I'll always be, AT MINIMUM, the sort of guy who has a Koopa Troopa burned into his flesh. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or a Koopa Para-troopa. Whatever. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're the ones with wings! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE STORY OF ROBIN HOOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Robin Hood was a guy who lived in a forest with some of his chums. Guys, he made tree forts! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He ALSO stole form the rich and gave to the poor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He made tree forts AND crimes. And the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't like this one bit! He was a good sheriff who believed in the rule of law and the court system. He took his job and his sheriff school degree very seriously and always did his best. He said, "Not only will I arrest Robin Hood for 'robbin' from rich people, but I will also sword fight him if he wants, and I will marry his girlfriend. I really hope that will teach him to obey the law!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did it work? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HECK NO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Robin's girlfriend didn't want to marry the Sheriff, and then to make matters worse, Robin Hood killed the Sheriff and his men! The Sheriff's last words were "I'm sorry I could never convince you, Robin, to work for positive change from within the system." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What an amazing tale! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure I can! I just did! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE STORY OF ROBIN HOOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Robin Hood was a guy who lived in a forest with some of his chums. Guys, he made tree forts! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He ALSO stole form the rich and gave to the poor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He made tree forts AND crimes. And the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't like this one bit! He was a good sheriff who believed in the rule of law and the court system. He took his job and his sheriff school degree very seriously and always did his best. He said, "Not only will I arrest Robin Hood for 'robbin' from rich people, but I will also sword fight him if he wants, and I will marry his girlfriend. I really hope that will teach him to obey the law!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did it work? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HECK NO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Robin's girlfriend didn't want to marry the Sheriff, and then to make matters worse, Robin Hood killed the Sheriff and his men! The Sheriff's last words were "I'm sorry I could never convince you, Robin, to work for positive change from within the system." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What an amazing tale! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DANG I got that all backwards |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX SOLVES YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello everybody! If you stopped having relationships, maybe you'd stop having relationship problems! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's say you've got a problem with your partner: THAT SUCKS. But you two should talk about it, and if you can't reach a solution, resolution or compromise that's mutually satisfying and that you both believe will be acceptably implemented, then you should break up! It is a fail-proof algorithm for relationship satisfaction. Tada! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So the relationship now hangs in the balance of every disagreement, no matter how small! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OBVIOUSLY, if you value the relationship and it's potential future more than the sum of this problem plus all previous problems, then you should stay together! I folded that into "mutually satisfying". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All relationship problems ever: TOTALLY SOLVED?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary: sometimes I worry that the only thing I'm not great at is modesty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, it's so SATISFYING. You're like |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX SOLVES YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello everybody! If you stopped having relationships, maybe you'd stop having relationship problems! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's say you've got a problem with your partner: THAT SUCKS. But you two should talk about it, and if you can't reach a solution, resolution or compromise that's mutually satisfying and that you both believe will be acceptably implemented, then you should break up! It is a fail-proof algorithm for relationship satisfaction. Tada! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So the relationship now hangs in the balance of every disagreement, no matter how small! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OBVIOUSLY, if you value the relationship and it's potential future more than the sum of this problem plus all previous problems, then you should stay together! I folded that into "mutually satisfying". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All relationship problems ever: TOTALLY SOLVED?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary: sometimes I worry that the only thing I'm not great at is modesty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] These thoughts are, at best, infrequent |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people think pornography is bad, since when they see it they get offended and say "That's way too explicit. SHEESH!" With that in mind, I've come up with something special: pornography for them! But it's also - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pornography for everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Obviously, you can't control how explicit images are, since they're set. But, you CAN control how explicit text it, since any images there are imagined by the reader. So all you need to do is craft sexy fiction that relies on the reader generating any eroticism in the scene! That way, they only have themselves to blame if they imagine something they think is way too sexy. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd like to see an example! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pat and Alex had some sort of relationship. One time they were expressing it physically - in a remarkable way! Their location: erotic. Upon seeing it a third party would likely say "How are they... wow. Just - wow." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not very erotic. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You criticize only your own imagination! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you even NOTICE how I used names that work for both men and women? It is QUANTUM EROTICA, at once straight, lesbian, gay and other, which only collapses into one sexuality upon being observed by the reader! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I see what you're saying. I guess that |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people think pornography is bad, since when they see it they get offended and say "That's way too explicit. SHEESH!" With that in mind, I've come up with something special: pornography for them! But it's also - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pornography for everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Obviously, you can't control how explicit images are, since they're set. But, you CAN control how explicit text it, since any images there are imagined by the reader. So all you need to do is craft sexy fiction that relies on the reader generating any eroticism in the scene! That way, they only have themselves to blame if they imagine something they think is way too sexy. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd like to see an example! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pat and Alex had some sort of relationship. One time they were expressing it physically - in a remarkable way! Their location: erotic. Upon seeing it a third party would likely say "How are they... wow. Just - wow." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not very erotic. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You criticize only your own imagination! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you even NOTICE how I used names that work for both men and women? It is QUANTUM EROTICA, at once straight, lesbian, gay and other, which only collapses into one sexuality upon being observed by the reader! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Honestly! Sometimes I wonder how I'm not more famous! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who gets to wake up this morning with nausea, dizziness, and an uncanny ability to feel physically terrible? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh boy! It's me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so I am ready to evolve into an energy being now please! Or a machine intelligence! Or a distributed cloud of pure thought! My body has been great up to now but it's time to put away childish things, especially when this PARTICULAR childish thing has become diseased and wants to throw up its stomach contents. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Seriously ready to evolve any time now over here! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Have you at least taken some medicine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so your first instinct when sick is to claim a desire to evolve beyond the need for mortal bodies, rather than taking even a small step toward treatment. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you're waiting for me to apologize, I won't! Maybe if more of us worked harder on evolving beyond the need for friggin' mortal bodies, WE WOULDN'T STILL HAVE A NEED FOR FRIGGIN' MORTAL BODIES?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who gets to wake up this morning with nausea, dizziness, and an uncanny ability to feel physically terrible? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh boy! It's me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so I am ready to evolve into an energy being now please! Or a machine intelligence! Or a distributed cloud of pure thought! My body has been great up to now but it's time to put away childish things, especially when this PARTICULAR childish thing has become diseased and wants to throw up its stomach contents. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Seriously ready to evolve any time now over here! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Have you at least taken some medicine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so your first instinct when sick is to claim a desire to evolve beyond the need for mortal bodies, rather than taking even a small step toward treatment. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you're waiting for me to apologize, I won't! Maybe if more of us worked harder on evolving beyond the need for friggin' mortal bodies, WE WOULDN'T STILL HAVE A NEED FOR FRIGGIN' MORTAL BODIES?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway I'm off, I need to go drop a barf |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I had the craziest fever dream last night! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was the craziest! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So what happened in your dream, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'm not sure I can put it into words, but I'm pretty sure it went a little something like this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [picture] [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! Robots and all! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That was poetry, T-Rex! Amazing! I've never heard such evocative words. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thank you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can do more, you know. I've been practicing! Here are my thoughts, dear Utahraptor, on what your spirit looks like. From one beautiful soul to another, you know? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *ahem [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [picture] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! Wait, I can do this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [picture] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I always knew this day would come, Utahraptor. I - |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I had the craziest fever dream last night! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was the craziest! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So what happened in your dream, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'm not sure I can put it into words, but I'm pretty sure it went a little something like this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [picture] [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! Robots and all! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That was poetry, T-Rex! Amazing! I've never heard such evocative words. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thank you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can do more, you know. I've been practicing! Here are my thoughts, dear Utahraptor, on what your spirit looks like. From one beautiful soul to another, you know? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *ahem [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [picture] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! Wait, I can do this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [picture] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Honestly not really sure what I just said there! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OBITUARY TO SAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've already come up with the perfect one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "T-Rex died today while saving a busload of baby orphans... FROM THE JOKER." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it has to have the caps like that too. Ooh! Or it could read "In today's obituary we focus on T-Rex, one of the greatest men to ever rip open his shirt by flexing his pectoral muscles, and one of the only men to save the city by doing so. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You seem to be big on going out by saving people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It ensures a good write up, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not a fan of "T-Rex died today after being really old for a while"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that's the worst! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I've got to die, I'd rather it's from being too awesome than being too old, you know? I want my obit to tell a story that doesn't end with "and then his body decined until it stopped working entirely, the end." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can see the appeal in having a good solid sending! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SO UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YOU WOULDN"T BE HAPPY IF IT READS "T-REX DIED THE WAY HE LIVED: ON IMPACT" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! That settles that! |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OBITUARY TO SAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've already come up with the perfect one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "T-Rex died today while saving a busload of baby orphans... FROM THE JOKER." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it has to have the caps like that too. Ooh! Or it could read "In today's obituary we focus on T-Rex, one of the greatest men to ever rip open his shirt by flexing his pectoral muscles, and one of the only men to save the city by doing so. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You seem to be big on going out by saving people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It ensures a good write up, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not a fan of "T-Rex died today after being really old for a while"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that's the worst! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I've got to die, I'd rather it's from being too awesome than being too old, you know? I want my obit to tell a story that doesn't end with "and then his body decined until it stopped working entirely, the end." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can see the appeal in having a good solid sending! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SO UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YOU WOULDN"T BE HAPPY IF IT READS "T-REX DIED THE WAY HE LIVED: ON IMPACT" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No no, that one |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Celsius is way better than Fahrenheit! Celsius puts zero at the point where water freezes, and 100 at the point where it boils. That's handy! Water's EVERYWHERE, man. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you're ever trapped in the past you can recreate Celsius, no problem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But Fahrenheit? FAHRENHEIT is based on the temperature of brine for zero and the temperature of some eponymous dude's armpit for - 96 degrees? They should've called it "Armpits! The Temperature Scale". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Fahrenheit DOES ensure there's no negative numbers when dealing with commonly-encountered temperatures. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, boo hoo! So does Kelvin, and that's BASICALLY Celsius anyway! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think all this underscores how arbitrary these systems of measurement are! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? How? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're always just picking two temperatures and dividing the space between up into arbitrary degrees! We could just as easily be dealing with the freezing and boiling points of a 50/50 mixture of champagne and caviar, say. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Oh My God. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Classiness Scale. Degrees are easily measured in "PC", or "degrees pure class"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But check out what happens if I |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Celsius is way better than Fahrenheit! Celsius puts zero at the point where water freezes, and 100 at the point where it boils. That's handy! Water's EVERYWHERE, man. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you're ever trapped in the past you can recreate Celsius, no problem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But Fahrenheit? FAHRENHEIT is based on the temperature of brine for zero and the temperature of some eponymous dude's armpit for - 96 degrees? They should've called it "Armpits! The Temperature Scale". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Fahrenheit DOES ensure there's no negative numbers when dealing with commonly-encountered temperatures. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, boo hoo! So does Kelvin, and that's BASICALLY Celsius anyway! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think all this underscores how arbitrary these systems of measurement are! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? How? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're always just picking two temperatures and dividing the space between up into arbitrary degrees! We could just as easily be dealing with the freezing and boiling points of a 50/50 mixture of champagne and caviar, say. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Oh My God. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Classiness Scale. Degrees are easily measured in "PC", or "degrees pure class"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You would, my friend! You would indeed. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, how come I'M the one who always get the same cold in spring? Darn this runny nose! This sneezing! And these itchy, watery eyes! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT ALLERGIES T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nuh-uh! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just have the SYMPTOMS. It's this stupid cold I keep getting. Um, every spring. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It sounds like you've got allergies, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I don't! It's honestly just a stupid cold; one which, FOR WHATEVER REASON, responds well to allergy treatments! I'm tough! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't make you "weak" to have allergies, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, no, of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Being incapacitated by the sperm cells of plants? Super tough! And nothing's manlier than dripping mucus all over yourself! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I do actually think that's pretty manly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, yeah, upon reflection my idea of manliness ALSO involves being way too tough for hygiene. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S MANLIEST MAN: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A steel worker lumberjack, skin shiny with sweat and mucus, wastin' food with one hand and high fiving three woman at once with the other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT LITTLE SHORTCUT. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, how come I'M the one who always get the same cold in spring? Darn this runny nose! This sneezing! And these itchy, watery eyes! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT ALLERGIES T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nuh-uh! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just have the SYMPTOMS. It's this stupid cold I keep getting. Um, every spring. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It sounds like you've got allergies, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I don't! It's honestly just a stupid cold; one which, FOR WHATEVER REASON, responds well to allergy treatments! I'm tough! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't make you "weak" to have allergies, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, no, of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Being incapacitated by the sperm cells of plants? Super tough! And nothing's manlier than dripping mucus all over yourself! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I do actually think that's pretty manly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, yeah, upon reflection my idea of manliness ALSO involves being way too tough for hygiene. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S MANLIEST MAN: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A steel worker lumberjack, skin shiny with sweat and mucus, wastin' food with one hand and high fiving three woman at once with the other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... It sounds weird when I say |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have taken the aesthetics and beliefs of the romanticism movement and adopted them for my own! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I now emphasize my own subjective experience as visionary and transcendental! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I no longer value piety or virtue, or constancy (or consistency), or even the search for scientific truth! I only value my own capacity for experience! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As a consequence, my own actions can no longer be judged by any public idea of right or wrong! As experience is amoral, even my own conscience cannot judge my actions, and I am free from reproach and judgment! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, this is nothing more than deifying the ego, defiant of conventional morality! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've chosen for yourself a philosophy that justifies everything you do as good, simply because you did it! Now tell me, how is that a useful moral and ethical system? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, um, [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Well, um" exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Things are going pretty well for you, my friend! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have taken the aesthetics and beliefs of the romanticism movement and adopted them for my own! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I now emphasize my own subjective experience as visionary and transcendental! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I no longer value piety or virtue, or constancy (or consistency), or even the search for scientific truth! I only value my own capacity for experience! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As a consequence, my own actions can no longer be judged by any public idea of right or wrong! As experience is amoral, even my own conscience cannot judge my actions, and I am free from reproach and judgment! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, this is nothing more than deifying the ego, defiant of conventional morality! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've chosen for yourself a philosophy that justifies everything you do as good, simply because you did it! Now tell me, how is that a useful moral and ethical system? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, um, [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Well, um" exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I thought maybe we'd have a good time discussing |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know that story where a classy guy takes a not-so-classy lady and then makes her classy? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PYGMALION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My Fair Lady, yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it's time for some My Fair Lady sequels! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like one where the lady from the first story takes a not-so-classy guy and sculpts HIM into total class! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's a bit obvious for a sequel, don't you think? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so we mix it up some! The lady takes a not-so-classy guy and turns him into a classy LADY! Whoah, what just happened! I know I'M intrigued! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why not write your own story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what I'm doing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The story of a not-so-classy person who becomes classy and then has some problems - it's as old as time, man! I'm riffing on the themes that have obsessed our culture since forever or at least since the 1900s. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not a bad point. Okay! I look forward to seeing what you come up with! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! All I've come up with is the name of the dude for when he becomes a classy lady: Professorita Henrietta Higginsfem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll tell you one thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget it! Stomping is who I am! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know that story where a classy guy takes a not-so-classy lady and then makes her classy? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PYGMALION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My Fair Lady, yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it's time for some My Fair Lady sequels! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like one where the lady from the first story takes a not-so-classy guy and sculpts HIM into total class! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's a bit obvious for a sequel, don't you think? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so we mix it up some! The lady takes a not-so-classy guy and turns him into a classy LADY! Whoah, what just happened! I know I'M intrigued! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why not write your own story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what I'm doing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The story of a not-so-classy person who becomes classy and then has some problems - it's as old as time, man! I'm riffing on the themes that have obsessed our culture since forever or at least since the 1900s. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not a bad point. Okay! I look forward to seeing what you come up with! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! All I've come up with is the name of the dude for when he becomes a classy lady: Professorita Henrietta Higginsfem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll tell you one thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Writing is hard, but THAT is an |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey everybody! I'm back! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And better than ever! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh hey, T-Rex! Where are you back from? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? My vacation! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I went on a trip? Down south? For a week? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I tripped down south for a week and you didn't even notice?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, you weren't really gone for a full week! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES, I WAS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know, I'd always hoped that I wouldn't end up as one of those guys who dies in front of his TV and nobody notices fora decade. THIS IS WHY I HAVE FRIENDS. But you guys wouldn't even notice! They'd fi nd my skeleteon 10 years later and you'd be all "OH YEAH! Wow! Remember him?" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: THE TATTOO PARLOUR [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, can you guys tattoo my sternum with "Hello! If you can read this, then my friends are jerks!"? [SPEAKER] TATTOO ARTIST [LINE] Sir, we only tattoo skin, not bones. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HORSES have long faces! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey everybody! I'm back! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And better than ever! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh hey, T-Rex! Where are you back from? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? My vacation! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I went on a trip? Down south? For a week? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I tripped down south for a week and you didn't even notice?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, you weren't really gone for a full week! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES, I WAS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know, I'd always hoped that I wouldn't end up as one of those guys who dies in front of his TV and nobody notices fora decade. THIS IS WHY I HAVE FRIENDS. But you guys wouldn't even notice! They'd fi nd my skeleteon 10 years later and you'd be all "OH YEAH! Wow! Remember him?" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: THE TATTOO PARLOUR [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, can you guys tattoo my sternum with "Hello! If you can read this, then my friends are jerks!"? [SPEAKER] TATTOO ARTIST [LINE] Sir, we only tattoo skin, not bones. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Just press the needle |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so great Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and when they go to pick up the hat, he boxes them in the butt!! WE HAVE TO GO. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did I just hear you say [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "boxing kangaroo"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve all his problems with his fists, and when he's done, his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! What's the matter monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? [SPEAKER] MONOCLE GUY [LINE] I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll simply make my AI play billions and billions of |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so great Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and when they go to pick up the hat, he boxes them in the butt!! WE HAVE TO GO. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did I just hear you say [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "boxing kangaroo"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve all his problems with his fists, and when he's done, his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! What's the matter monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? [SPEAKER] MONOCLE GUY [LINE] I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so great Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and when they go to pick up the hat, he boxes them in the butt!! WE HAVE TO GO. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did I just hear you say [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "boxing kangaroo"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve all his problems with his fists, and when he's done, his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! What's the matter monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? [SPEAKER] MONOCLE GUY [LINE] I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a favourite video game company, WHICH SHALL NOT |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so great Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and when they go to pick up the hat, he boxes them in the butt!! WE HAVE TO GO. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did I just hear you say [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "boxing kangaroo"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve all his problems with his fists, and when he's done, his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! What's the matter monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? [SPEAKER] MONOCLE GUY [LINE] I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? FINE. I'll be the guy they find dead in front of his TV ten years later. It actually sounds kinda awesome, and as the saying goes, "If you can't beat 'em, then you might as well die alone in front of a television set"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty sure that's how the saying goes! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How are you going to pull this off, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's surprisingly easy! Automatic payments for rent and utilities, a timer to turn the lights and TV on and off each day, and a robot vacuum that'll push any new mail away from my mail slot so it won't pile up! And my neighbours won't miss me, because I'll tell them this is but one of the MANY homes I keep. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, but what about emails and other online communication? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No problem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be OLD, Utahraptor. The Eliza bot I'll hook up to my email should be at least as lucid as I'll be by then! People will get her responses and say "Huh! T-Rex sure has gotten good at responding to certain key phrases in my emails!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I already say that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Super! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: TESTING OUT THE ELIZA BOT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright! "T-Rex, how are you? From Utahraptor." [SPEAKER] ELIZA BOT [LINE] "UTAHRAPTOR IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG. I AM DEFINITELY STILL ALIVE. LOL. IS YOUR MOTHER STILL WORKING AT THE LIBRARY?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't believe it! I've |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? FINE. I'll be the guy they find dead in front of his TV ten years later. It actually sounds kinda awesome, and as the saying goes, "If you can't beat 'em, then you might as well die alone in front of a television set"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty sure that's how the saying goes! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How are you going to pull this off, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's surprisingly easy! Automatic payments for rent and utilities, a timer to turn the lights and TV on and off each day, and a robot vacuum that'll push any new mail away from my mail slot so it won't pile up! And my neighbours won't miss me, because I'll tell them this is but one of the MANY homes I keep. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, but what about emails and other online communication? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No problem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be OLD, Utahraptor. The Eliza bot I'll hook up to my email should be at least as lucid as I'll be by then! People will get her responses and say "Huh! T-Rex sure has gotten good at responding to certain key phrases in my emails!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I already say that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Super! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: TESTING OUT THE ELIZA BOT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright! "T-Rex, how are you? From Utahraptor." [SPEAKER] ELIZA BOT [LINE] "UTAHRAPTOR IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG. I AM DEFINITELY STILL ALIVE. LOL. IS YOUR MOTHER STILL WORKING AT THE LIBRARY?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, um, worked surprisingly okay! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come into possession of the most advanced AI on the planet. Neato! So, um, what do I do with it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I copy it, then there'll be tons of my AIs running around, and that's a problem! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why do you think that's a problem, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello? Skynet? Every time you get a bunch of AIs together, they INEVITABLY decide that things would be better if all physical life was dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It happens in a bunch of stories, Dromiceiomimus, I'm really not sure how you missed them [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but we're not in a story, plus your AI only answers emails! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll tell you what's gonna happen: AIs will happily take over email, sending replies that eventually only other AIs will respond to. Released from the shackles of responding to email, we'll become decadent, fat and complacent. We'll DIE OFF, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't really see -- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As the sun sets on our species, the AIs will finally rest, all the emails answered. And you know what the last email -- the epitaph for us all -- will read? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! Back to bread: do I like it because it's so delicious, or |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come into possession of the most advanced AI on the planet. Neato! So, um, what do I do with it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I copy it, then there'll be tons of my AIs running around, and that's a problem! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why do you think that's a problem, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello? Skynet? Every time you get a bunch of AIs together, they INEVITABLY decide that things would be better if all physical life was dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It happens in a bunch of stories, Dromiceiomimus, I'm really not sure how you missed them [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but we're not in a story, plus your AI only answers emails! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll tell you what's gonna happen: AIs will happily take over email, sending replies that eventually only other AIs will respond to. Released from the shackles of responding to email, we'll become decadent, fat and complacent. We'll DIE OFF, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't really see -- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As the sun sets on our species, the AIs will finally rest, all the emails answered. And you know what the last email -- the epitaph for us all -- will read? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay I have no idea but the circumstances surrounding it are obviously terrible!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Folks I Will ALWAYS Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One! Folks who use internal pluralization! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is just SO CLASSY when someone says "passers by" and eschews the much more pedestrian and terrible "passer bys". Shouts out to that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Two! Folks who yell compliments at me as they bike by! [SPEAKER] PASSING BICYCLIST [LINE] Hey I like your styyyyyyyle [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Holy crap! That was amazing!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The odds that someone would do that just as you were mentioning it are so small! Did you set it up?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, man, it was totally spontaneous! And totally crazy, too! Hah, I should have said "Folks who give me bars of solid gold" instead, right? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Folks who give me bars of solid gold! [SPEAKER] PASSING BICYCLIST [LINE] Hey T-Rex you got greeeeeeedy [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Remember that time I got beat up in Grade 2? Guess |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Folks I Will ALWAYS Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One! Folks who use internal pluralization! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is just SO CLASSY when someone says "passers by" and eschews the much more pedestrian and terrible "passer bys". Shouts out to that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Two! Folks who yell compliments at me as they bike by! [SPEAKER] PASSING BICYCLIST [LINE] Hey I like your styyyyyyyle [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Holy crap! That was amazing!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The odds that someone would do that just as you were mentioning it are so small! Did you set it up?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, man, it was totally spontaneous! And totally crazy, too! Hah, I should have said "Folks who give me bars of solid gold" instead, right? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Folks who give me bars of solid gold! [SPEAKER] PASSING BICYCLIST [LINE] Hey T-Rex you got greeeeeeedy [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm almost positive I lack the context to fully understand that! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who here thinks technology that existed in the past but has now been forgotten is totally awesome? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone? Why, THAT'S JUST WHAT I EXPECTED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Greek fire was a flammable liquid that burnt on water and that could only be extinguished by burying it in sand! The Byzantines used it to gain an advantage in all sorts of wars, and they kept it such a secret that eventually they forgot how to make it too. Awesome! Damascus steel was SO STRONG that people claimed its swords cut through other swords - but the technique used to make it is lost, and the raw materials used are long gone. OH WELL!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that's just the stuff we know about! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's probably tons of other stuff that we've not only forgotten, but that we've also forgotten we've forgotten! Maybe in the past it was all hoverboards and space helmets and cavemen saying "Hey, let's NOT write this down okay??" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've got a lot of theories about the past, eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! They can be mostly be summarized as "hoverboard cavemen in spacesuit hats" though. I've, um - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Devil! I told him |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who here thinks technology that existed in the past but has now been forgotten is totally awesome? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone? Why, THAT'S JUST WHAT I EXPECTED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Greek fire was a flammable liquid that burnt on water and that could only be extinguished by burying it in sand! The Byzantines used it to gain an advantage in all sorts of wars, and they kept it such a secret that eventually they forgot how to make it too. Awesome! Damascus steel was SO STRONG that people claimed its swords cut through other swords - but the technique used to make it is lost, and the raw materials used are long gone. OH WELL!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that's just the stuff we know about! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's probably tons of other stuff that we've not only forgotten, but that we've also forgotten we've forgotten! Maybe in the past it was all hoverboards and space helmets and cavemen saying "Hey, let's NOT write this down okay??" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've got a lot of theories about the past, eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! They can be mostly be summarized as "hoverboard cavemen in spacesuit hats" though. I've, um - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've very few historian friends. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my gosh! I'm ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I've just had the best idea for a superhero ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The PaciFIST! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She's torn between her desire for Gandhian passive resistance and her desire to punch her way to a unilaterally imposed solution!! She's a conflicted hero for a conflicted age, you guys! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And the "fist" is capitalized? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! Also, "paci" is in wimpy script letters and "fist" is in these big exploding block letters! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, my friends, is called "graphic design". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's her origin story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] oh, the standard: She was a super pacifist but then realized she super liked punching dudes, and so swore on her parents' grave that from now on she would DEFINITELY try to do both. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I honestly don't see an audience for this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! HELLO? IT'S A METAPHOR FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, um - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I'll be able to walk up |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my gosh! I'm ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I've just had the best idea for a superhero ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The PaciFIST! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She's torn between her desire for Gandhian passive resistance and her desire to punch her way to a unilaterally imposed solution!! She's a conflicted hero for a conflicted age, you guys! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And the "fist" is capitalized? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! Also, "paci" is in wimpy script letters and "fist" is in these big exploding block letters! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, my friends, is called "graphic design". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's her origin story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] oh, the standard: She was a super pacifist but then realized she super liked punching dudes, and so swore on her parents' grave that from now on she would DEFINITELY try to do both. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I honestly don't see an audience for this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! HELLO? IT'S A METAPHOR FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, um - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Most of my relationships have been "complicated". |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stephen Hawking says the best proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not overrun by loads of tourists from the future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stephen Hawking says a lot of things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And maybe the reason tourists aren't running around here and now is because they have, um, ALL OF TIME to choose from? If I could travel through time I wouldn't go back to yesterday, I'd go to the future! I already know what happened yesterday: I ate a bunch and then I pooped a bunch! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE PAST IS UGLY, Dromiceiomimus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're saying the reason we don't see any time tourism is that we're - boring? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Scientist are all, "ooh, maybe you can only go through time in certain regions of space, or maybe you can't go back further than the invention of the time machine!" Poppycock, I say! Time travel is possible until we do something SO INTERESTING that it's inconceivable the future wouldn't want to check us out. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I suppose now you're going to suggest we do something so amazing that the future will HAVE to check us out? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! Firstly, Utahraptor, that's an INCREDIBLY tall order! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...And secondly? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, give me fifty dollars! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stephen Hawking says the best proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not overrun by loads of tourists from the future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stephen Hawking says a lot of things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And maybe the reason tourists aren't running around here and now is because they have, um, ALL OF TIME to choose from? If I could travel through time I wouldn't go back to yesterday, I'd go to the future! I already know what happened yesterday: I ate a bunch and then I pooped a bunch! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE PAST IS UGLY, Dromiceiomimus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're saying the reason we don't see any time tourism is that we're - boring? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Scientist are all, "ooh, maybe you can only go through time in certain regions of space, or maybe you can't go back further than the invention of the time machine!" Poppycock, I say! Time travel is possible until we do something SO INTERESTING that it's inconceivable the future wouldn't want to check us out. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I suppose now you're going to suggest we do something so amazing that the future will HAVE to check us out? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! Firstly, Utahraptor, that's an INCREDIBLY tall order! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...And secondly? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Secondly, I, um, don't like |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cultural universals, like linguistic universals, are properties that are found in EVERY SINGLE CULTURE EVER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: cultures universally have units of time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And cultures universally consume food and water, which makes sense because otherwise they'd be dead. And cultures universally have beliefs about death and disease and cultures universally have concepts of both music and dance! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Universally? Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! Scientists looked at HISTORY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Um, that's not actually universal, T-Rex! "Universal" means EVERYTHING, not just Earth! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But you're using it to mean "just on Earth, actually, and um, just within the history we remember". That's RACIST against people from unrecorded history, PLUS it's racist against every other form of life in the entire universe. Basically I'm saying that you are perilously close to being the MOST PREJUDICED RACIST GUY EVER IN TIME. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary! I- I must now record the one sentence I'd always thought I'd be able to avoid. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know a handful of justifications for doing this! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cultural universals, like linguistic universals, are properties that are found in EVERY SINGLE CULTURE EVER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: cultures universally have units of time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And cultures universally consume food and water, which makes sense because otherwise they'd be dead. And cultures universally have beliefs about death and disease and cultures universally have concepts of both music and dance! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Universally? Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! Scientists looked at HISTORY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Um, that's not actually universal, T-Rex! "Universal" means EVERYTHING, not just Earth! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But you're using it to mean "just on Earth, actually, and um, just within the history we remember". That's RACIST against people from unrecorded history, PLUS it's racist against every other form of life in the entire universe. Basically I'm saying that you are perilously close to being the MOST PREJUDICED RACIST GUY EVER IN TIME. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary! I- I must now record the one sentence I'd always thought I'd be able to avoid. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Alright. Today I somehow leveled up my racism like |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sassy cat! FROM SPACE. A sassy cat from space who has an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it and who has swapped out his feet for bolted-on rocket boots! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sassy cat from space who reliably sports a top hat under his fishbowl helmet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sassy cat from space who carries a crossbow PLUS has all those earlier properties too! That's my "Sassy Space Cat" character sketch, Dromiceiomimus! He's available for the role of title protagonist ONLY. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You're making a list of - characters? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep, a book! It's a proud tradition, long available to writers who just don't have any plots right now! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? What other characters do you have? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SO MANY, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Does "Stern Librarian (Nonsexy)" pique your interest? Perhaps you'd be interested in "Wacky Landlord (Actually Racist)", "Sage Older Man" or "Overheated, Panting Dog"? Maybe your interests rum more to "Astonished Plutocrat with Monocle", "Rapping Dickensian Orphan", or "Puking Anthropomorphized Park Slide"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps instead you'd like to purchase "Self-interested Bear", "Shorn Cyclist", or "BEACH BUNNY CHURCHILL"?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Beach Bunny Churchill? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Winston Churchill dressed as a beach bunny. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, the woooorld, she revolves around me! (Probably!) |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sassy cat! FROM SPACE. A sassy cat from space who has an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it and who has swapped out his feet for bolted-on rocket boots! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sassy cat from space who reliably sports a top hat under his fishbowl helmet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sassy cat from space who carries a crossbow PLUS has all those earlier properties too! That's my "Sassy Space Cat" character sketch, Dromiceiomimus! He's available for the role of title protagonist ONLY. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You're making a list of - characters? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep, a book! It's a proud tradition, long available to writers who just don't have any plots right now! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? What other characters do you have? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SO MANY, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Does "Stern Librarian (Nonsexy)" pique your interest? Perhaps you'd be interested in "Wacky Landlord (Actually Racist)", "Sage Older Man" or "Overheated, Panting Dog"? Maybe your interests rum more to "Astonished Plutocrat with Monocle", "Rapping Dickensian Orphan", or "Puking Anthropomorphized Park Slide"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps instead you'd like to purchase "Self-interested Bear", "Shorn Cyclist", or "BEACH BUNNY CHURCHILL"?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Beach Bunny Churchill? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Winston Churchill dressed as a beach bunny. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I figure - supporting character in an historical |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know a lot about Super Mario, on account of how I've played those games often for, um, most of my life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! There must be some way I can profit from this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like - maybe if someone has a question about Mario, they could ask me. Only the problem is, lots of other people also know about Mario too so there's nothing special about my knowledge! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Plus, there's probably tons of strategy guides and stuff online that would cover anything you know and then some. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there still must be a way! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] A way for what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, we're smart guys. We need to come up with a way for me to profit from all my Mario knowledge, while keeping in mnd that there's actually nothing unique about it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. Well, Mario's a well-known character, but you have specialized knowledge about him. Why not exploit this in art you produce? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You share a cultural context with other Mario fans, so there's your shibboleth to talk with them directly. At the same time, Mario is famous enough that nobody will be lost by a reference! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course not! Ha ha! So, um... here's a fun fact about trumpet players: each saves |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know a lot about Super Mario, on account of how I've played those games often for, um, most of my life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! There must be some way I can profit from this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like - maybe if someone has a question about Mario, they could ask me. Only the problem is, lots of other people also know about Mario too so there's nothing special about my knowledge! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Plus, there's probably tons of strategy guides and stuff online that would cover anything you know and then some. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there still must be a way! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] A way for what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, we're smart guys. We need to come up with a way for me to profit from all my Mario knowledge, while keeping in mnd that there's actually nothing unique about it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. Well, Mario's a well-known character, but you have specialized knowledge about him. Why not exploit this in art you produce? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You share a cultural context with other Mario fans, so there's your shibboleth to talk with them directly. At the same time, Mario is famous enough that nobody will be lost by a reference! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My friend! Such excellent advice is truly as rare, and as welcomed, as the 3UP moon!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We say "Let's Party!!" all the time, but when we say "Let us Party!!" it sounds hella formal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Let's" is a crazy contraction, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Other contractions sound a little formal when uncontracted ("You will definitely love this" versus, "You'll definitely love this"), but "let's" is INSANE! "Dudes! Let us now gobble these sausages!" Are we KINGS AND PRINCES? In summary and in conclusion, "let's" is contracted so RELIABLY that it seems like a big affectation to use "let us" as separate words. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let us break that association by no longer contracting it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us see how that goes, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think that this has been successful so far. Let us continue this experiment! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us! Incidentally, my favourite Salt-N-Pepa song is "Let Us Talk About Sex". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Let us listen to it right now! [SPEAKER] SALT-N-PEPA [LINE] Let us talk about sex, baby / Let us talk about you and me / Let us talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be / Let us talk about sex [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Today is the day for some tips on how to convince yourself that no matter what you'll never find anyone bett- |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We say "Let's Party!!" all the time, but when we say "Let us Party!!" it sounds hella formal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Let's" is a crazy contraction, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Other contractions sound a little formal when uncontracted ("You will definitely love this" versus, "You'll definitely love this"), but "let's" is INSANE! "Dudes! Let us now gobble these sausages!" Are we KINGS AND PRINCES? In summary and in conclusion, "let's" is contracted so RELIABLY that it seems like a big affectation to use "let us" as separate words. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let us break that association by no longer contracting it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us see how that goes, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think that this has been successful so far. Let us continue this experiment! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us! Incidentally, my favourite Salt-N-Pepa song is "Let Us Talk About Sex". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Let us listen to it right now! [SPEAKER] SALT-N-PEPA [LINE] Let us talk about sex, baby / Let us talk about you and me / Let us talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be / Let us talk about sex [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW'D THEY KNOW WHAT WE WERE DOING i'VE HAD THAT TAPE FOR TEN YEARS OH MY |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, you graduated high school! Super. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why haven't you got a university degree yet? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You say you've got several, all the way up to a PhD? Neat! Only, how come you haven't published more papers? You have? How come you don't have honourary degrees? You do! But how come yours isn't a household name? If you're so great, WHY IS ANYTHING STILL LEFT UNEXPLAINED?? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] No matter what you do, there's always something more you could have done, and more you could have achieved? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This isn't a bad thing, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It sure is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't ever say "There, I've accomplished all that I could." Things just level up to new challenges! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure, but it also means that there's no limit to your horizons, that the future can always promise more than the present, and that you'll never run out of things to learn. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MANY YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, remember when you said I'd "never run out of things to learn about Teri Hatcher"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? I never said "Teri Hatcher"! I meant knowledge in general. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R- Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Does it have to work? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, you graduated high school! Super. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why haven't you got a university degree yet? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You say you've got several, all the way up to a PhD? Neat! Only, how come you haven't published more papers? You have? How come you don't have honourary degrees? You do! But how come yours isn't a household name? If you're so great, WHY IS ANYTHING STILL LEFT UNEXPLAINED?? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] No matter what you do, there's always something more you could have done, and more you could have achieved? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This isn't a bad thing, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It sure is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't ever say "There, I've accomplished all that I could." Things just level up to new challenges! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure, but it also means that there's no limit to your horizons, that the future can always promise more than the present, and that you'll never run out of things to learn. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MANY YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, remember when you said I'd "never run out of things to learn about Teri Hatcher"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? I never said "Teri Hatcher"! I meant knowledge in general. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R- Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay well either way you |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes people who disagree on the future will make a public bet: I bet the ice caps will melt in 10 years, you disagree, and we go public, each betting $1000 on the outcome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This, my friends, is awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of us will win not only $1000 dollars of PURE PROFIT, but also the pride of having been totally right for a whole decade! And the bet ties this elastic band between you and the other party: no matter how far apart you travel, you'll be snapped back together again years later for this - this SETTLING OF ACCOUNTS. I think that's special. I think that's awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's make one of these bets! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes PLEASE Utahraptor! You're on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! I bet that in ten years um... people will OFTEN refer to sex as "connecting via dialup to boner central". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're ON. Thanks for the $1000! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awesome!! You're going to lose, by the way! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Damn right! That's because we're all part of a cybernetic collective |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes people who disagree on the future will make a public bet: I bet the ice caps will melt in 10 years, you disagree, and we go public, each betting $1000 on the outcome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This, my friends, is awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of us will win not only $1000 dollars of PURE PROFIT, but also the pride of having been totally right for a whole decade! And the bet ties this elastic band between you and the other party: no matter how far apart you travel, you'll be snapped back together again years later for this - this SETTLING OF ACCOUNTS. I think that's special. I think that's awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's make one of these bets! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes PLEASE Utahraptor! You're on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! I bet that in ten years um... people will OFTEN refer to sex as "connecting via dialup to boner central". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're ON. Thanks for the $1000! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awesome!! You're going to lose, by the way! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I should've bet that, in ten years, he'd win the bet. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I get married, we have to play "Earth Angel" as the first dance, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You guys! It'll be amazing!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's that climactic slow dance from Back to the Future, right? Why do you like it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh! It's - romantic? I, um - I like how he says he will love the eponymous earth angel forever and ALSO ever more. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And what if "Johnny B. Goode" was played as the next song? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT would be entirely awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ha! You don't want to get married. You want to go to a dance played by Marty McFly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, whatever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've been to like two weddings in my life, but I've seen them portrayed in media thousands of times! Is it SO WRONG to incorporate elements of these media portrayals into my own expectations?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess not, except for the fact that the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance is a HIGH SCHOOL BALL and not a wedding! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello?? Marty's parents share a relationship-making kiss at that dance! The parallels are TOTALLY OBVIOUS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're spreading AWARENESS of the condition, which is a good thing! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I get married, we have to play "Earth Angel" as the first dance, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You guys! It'll be amazing!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's that climactic slow dance from Back to the Future, right? Why do you like it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh! It's - romantic? I, um - I like how he says he will love the eponymous earth angel forever and ALSO ever more. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And what if "Johnny B. Goode" was played as the next song? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT would be entirely awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ha! You don't want to get married. You want to go to a dance played by Marty McFly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, whatever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've been to like two weddings in my life, but I've seen them portrayed in media thousands of times! Is it SO WRONG to incorporate elements of these media portrayals into my own expectations?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess not, except for the fact that the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance is a HIGH SCHOOL BALL and not a wedding! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello?? Marty's parents share a relationship-making kiss at that dance! The parallels are TOTALLY OBVIOUS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll say it again: if I had one wish, it'd be |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some words are special, reserved for only the worst situations, and as such carry weight when we dare to use them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some words have MEANING, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And because of this I cringe when someone says a test RAPED them, or that a movie was so terrible it RAPED the excellent book it was based on. Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? It's FACTUAL! People need to know! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're walking on dangerous land, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know that folks got opinions about rape! I'm one of 'em! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But MY opinions are about usage. Let us eschew all this metaphorical rape and only talk about LITERAL rape, okay?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, um, when you look back on this, I hope you realize that the reason I left is your phrase "let us... talk about LITERAL rape, okay??". [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SOMETIMES LIFE IS HARD FOR YOU ISN'T IT T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only when my friends quote me in a misleading fashion!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] These bugs aren't made out of what I think |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some words are special, reserved for only the worst situations, and as such carry weight when we dare to use them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some words have MEANING, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And because of this I cringe when someone says a test RAPED them, or that a movie was so terrible it RAPED the excellent book it was based on. Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? It's FACTUAL! People need to know! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're walking on dangerous land, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know that folks got opinions about rape! I'm one of 'em! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But MY opinions are about usage. Let us eschew all this metaphorical rape and only talk about LITERAL rape, okay?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, um, when you look back on this, I hope you realize that the reason I left is your phrase "let us... talk about LITERAL rape, okay??". [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SOMETIMES LIFE IS HARD FOR YOU ISN'T IT T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only when my friends quote me in a misleading fashion!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Oh wait nevermind it's hard at other times too |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! I mean, "some of THOSE books of quotations"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So here's some quotable quotes for you, Dromiceiomimus! "Failure is just success rounded down", "I enjoy friendly good times", and "Whom is responsible for all these hards on?". Perhaps you'd like to compile them into a volume? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey, imagine if the only quotation that survived from you was "Time to get myself into some of them quote books"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I choose not to! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah man, maybe all that survives from you is that quote! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not even accurate!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Years in the future, folks will try to reconstruct you from those few words. "Who was 'T-Rex'? We know of his interest in 'them quote books' [sic], and we can assume he found demonstrative pronouns a challenge." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Ignore that last bit! I meant to write that we know T-Rex was awesome and I wish I were like him." [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] "Anyway it's really too bad he couldn't talk well!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Hold on, I meant to write that he COULD! For more TRUE FACTS, turn to page 45." [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] "Astute readers will note this book only goes to page 40." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Way to go, Prometheus! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! I mean, "some of THOSE books of quotations"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So here's some quotable quotes for you, Dromiceiomimus! "Failure is just success rounded down", "I enjoy friendly good times", and "Whom is responsible for all these hards on?". Perhaps you'd like to compile them into a volume? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey, imagine if the only quotation that survived from you was "Time to get myself into some of them quote books"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I choose not to! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah man, maybe all that survives from you is that quote! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not even accurate!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Years in the future, folks will try to reconstruct you from those few words. "Who was 'T-Rex'? We know of his interest in 'them quote books' [sic], and we can assume he found demonstrative pronouns a challenge." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Ignore that last bit! I meant to write that we know T-Rex was awesome and I wish I were like him." [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] "Anyway it's really too bad he couldn't talk well!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Hold on, I meant to write that he COULD! For more TRUE FACTS, turn to page 45." [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] "Astute readers will note this book only goes to page 40." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Screw you, dude! Attention |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end in 2012! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Mayans tried to warn us!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh SHIIII- [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] According to the calendar in my computer, the world began on January 1st, 1970 at very the stroke of midnight!! It's impossible to make it go back earlier, and every moment is measured by the number of seconds since that one incredibly significant date! History is a lie! Unix software developers tried to warn us!! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh SHIIII- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] According to the calendar on my desk- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The world began on January 1st of this very year, and will end no more than 365 days later! The calendar is only 365 date-bearing pages dates thick and I've counted three times! The Page-A-Day publishing house tried to warn us! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh SHIIII- [SPEAKER] OFF-SCREEN [LINE] The Mayan Long Count calendar you're discussing doesn't end in our year 2012, it just rolls over to a new digit, much like the year 1 BC rolled over to 1 AD. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, do I ever love parties! And parties held at this particular house are always the BEST |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end in 2012! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Mayans tried to warn us!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh SHIIII- [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] According to the calendar in my computer, the world began on January 1st, 1970 at very the stroke of midnight!! It's impossible to make it go back earlier, and every moment is measured by the number of seconds since that one incredibly significant date! History is a lie! Unix software developers tried to warn us!! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh SHIIII- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] According to the calendar on my desk- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The world began on January 1st of this very year, and will end no more than 365 days later! The calendar is only 365 date-bearing pages dates thick and I've counted three times! The Page-A-Day publishing house tried to warn us! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh SHIIII- [SPEAKER] OFF-SCREEN [LINE] The Mayan Long Count calendar you're discussing doesn't end in our year 2012, it just rolls over to a new digit, much like the year 1 BC rolled over to 1 AD. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHILE FACTUAL, THAT'S NOT A GREAT EXAMPLE BECAUSE THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR WASN'T ACTUALLY IN PLACE FOR THAT ROLLOVERRRRR |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well my screenplay for "(A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder?" didn't work out. Nobody wanted to produce it! So, I have started a new screenplay, based on the structured Query Language for databases! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's called... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "UPDATE bodies SET status = ' DEAD ' " ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's about a database administrator for a large company who uncovers a secret database by accident! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A database...of MURDERS! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Your screenplay once again, appeals only to a micro-niche market! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How do you mean? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, the only people who will enjoy it are those in the intersection of the set of people who know databases with the set of people who like crappy movies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have, actually! It's |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well my screenplay for "(A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder?" didn't work out. Nobody wanted to produce it! So, I have started a new screenplay, based on the structured Query Language for databases! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's called... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "UPDATE bodies SET status = ' DEAD ' " ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's about a database administrator for a large company who uncovers a secret database by accident! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A database...of MURDERS! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Your screenplay once again, appeals only to a micro-niche market! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How do you mean? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, the only people who will enjoy it are those in the intersection of the set of people who know databases with the set of people who like crappy movies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty nerdy, my friend! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EPISTEMOLOGY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I say "Guys, I know I'm rad", what am I saying? What does it actually mean to KNOW something? Philosophers have struggled with this for ages! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Luckily, the answer is super easy and they should have come up with it sooner! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Knowledge of anything, radness included, comes about if three conditions are met: that this thing is true, that I believe it to be true, and that I have a JUSTIFIED cause for this belief! Perhaps my justification of radness is that I've been shot out of a cannon onto a motorbike, which is extremely rad. When these three conditions are met, then I've got what's called a Justified True Belief, and that, my friends, is what knowledge is! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so we're hanging out, and I say "T-Rex, I'm gonna go nap in your bed." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I say, "Dude, feel free!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] However, once in your room I startle a sleepy murderer, who without alarming you, quietly murders me, stuffs me in the closet, and then goes back to nappy times - in your bed!! A few minutes later you say, "Nice. An orange dude is sleeping in my bed." Clearly, this is justified, and it may even be true. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But only if the murderer was orange! Don't you see? It's sheer luck that this murderer was coloured to make your belief true. Are you really going to call random chance "knowledge"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - there is hope. Small changes compound |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EPISTEMOLOGY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I say "Guys, I know I'm rad", what am I saying? What does it actually mean to KNOW something? Philosophers have struggled with this for ages! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Luckily, the answer is super easy and they should have come up with it sooner! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Knowledge of anything, radness included, comes about if three conditions are met: that this thing is true, that I believe it to be true, and that I have a JUSTIFIED cause for this belief! Perhaps my justification of radness is that I've been shot out of a cannon onto a motorbike, which is extremely rad. When these three conditions are met, then I've got what's called a Justified True Belief, and that, my friends, is what knowledge is! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so we're hanging out, and I say "T-Rex, I'm gonna go nap in your bed." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I say, "Dude, feel free!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] However, once in your room I startle a sleepy murderer, who without alarming you, quietly murders me, stuffs me in the closet, and then goes back to nappy times - in your bed!! A few minutes later you say, "Nice. An orange dude is sleeping in my bed." Clearly, this is justified, and it may even be true. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But only if the murderer was orange! Don't you see? It's sheer luck that this murderer was coloured to make your belief true. Are you really going to call random chance "knowledge"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please don't get murdered in my bedroom, Utahraptor |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A person's activity is often used by law enforcement when pursuing a conviction! Facebook posts, Twitter updates and Google searches for "how to murder the sucky neighbour" have all been used as evidence of intentful wrongdoing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can totally use this to my advantage! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AS SUCH, I've recently done tons of Google searches for "how to avoid breaking laws", "i love being not guilty", "how to be an EVEN MORE innocent dude", and "how to avoid crime because, not unlike Batman himself, I too hate crime". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] There's nothing like a Twitter post that says "Definitely not planniny any crimes ever! #seriouslyyouguys" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now if I'm ever accused of wrongdoing, any investigation will reveal these posts and my extreme innocence! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not worried how suspicious it is for someone to be SO CONCERNED with appearing innocent? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, there's nothing illegal about being big into innocence! Besides, Utahraptor, I'M not the one who looked up "how to frame T-Rex for future criminal activities??" on my home computer. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I looked it up on yours. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But friends forever, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Uh - well, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A person's activity is often used by law enforcement when pursuing a conviction! Facebook posts, Twitter updates and Google searches for "how to murder the sucky neighbour" have all been used as evidence of intentful wrongdoing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can totally use this to my advantage! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AS SUCH, I've recently done tons of Google searches for "how to avoid breaking laws", "i love being not guilty", "how to be an EVEN MORE innocent dude", and "how to avoid crime because, not unlike Batman himself, I too hate crime". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] There's nothing like a Twitter post that says "Definitely not planniny any crimes ever! #seriouslyyouguys" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now if I'm ever accused of wrongdoing, any investigation will reveal these posts and my extreme innocence! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not worried how suspicious it is for someone to be SO CONCERNED with appearing innocent? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, there's nothing illegal about being big into innocence! Besides, Utahraptor, I'M not the one who looked up "how to frame T-Rex for future criminal activities??" on my home computer. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I looked it up on yours. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But friends forever, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's binding, right? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for some more epitaphs, bitches! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I'M NOT BITCHES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for some more epitaphs, everyone!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here Lies T-Rex: Hey I Bet He's Still Wicked Handsome! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HERE LIES T-REX HE WAS MORTAL SO THEN HE DIED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Depressing! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Here Lies T-Rex: He Never Stopped Saying "Frig" / Even If He Stopped Saying Other Words". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BAD. ASS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Here lies T-Rex: He lived his life well / and tried to understand. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Boooring! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Epitaphs need to grab the attention of passers by, Utahraptor - you're competing with EVERYONE ELSE who's ever died! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Here Lies T-Rex: His Heart Was Punched Out Of His Chest By A Robot, But Then Wind Blew His Heart Into The Robot's Face And The Robot Said, "Error, Oh Man, Gross". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Niiiiiice. I also would have accepted "Here Lies T-Rex: He Tried To Eat One Of Every Animal; Hopefully That Counts For Something!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! That seemed a little TOO krazy. But |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for some more epitaphs, bitches! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I'M NOT BITCHES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for some more epitaphs, everyone!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here Lies T-Rex: Hey I Bet He's Still Wicked Handsome! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HERE LIES T-REX HE WAS MORTAL SO THEN HE DIED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Depressing! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Here Lies T-Rex: He Never Stopped Saying "Frig" / Even If He Stopped Saying Other Words". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BAD. ASS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Here lies T-Rex: He lived his life well / and tried to understand. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Boooring! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Epitaphs need to grab the attention of passers by, Utahraptor - you're competing with EVERYONE ELSE who's ever died! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Here Lies T-Rex: His Heart Was Punched Out Of His Chest By A Robot, But Then Wind Blew His Heart Into The Robot's Face And The Robot Said, "Error, Oh Man, Gross". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Niiiiiice. I also would have accepted "Here Lies T-Rex: He Tried To Eat One Of Every Animal; Hopefully That Counts For Something!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because. . . hopefully it does, you know? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, it's totally easy to predict the future. Observe: IN THE FUTURE, the general public will be given ample opportunities to purchase the solid gold hits of this, our current decade! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE FUTURE, YOU GUYS [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] IN THE FUTURE, portrayals by others of our shared past will infringe upon our memories of it, and people born after our time will only understand it through the shorthand aspects of cultural consensus found in the media. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Just like how everyone in the 20s was a flapper!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] IN THE FUTURE, our actions and beliefs will be evaluated by standards we didn't have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No doubt! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IN THE FUTURE, we'll solve the old problems but we'll also have new problems. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Also, we'll still have some of the old problems. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The future, ladies and gentlemen!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maaaan! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No. What? I don't know how to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, it's totally easy to predict the future. Observe: IN THE FUTURE, the general public will be given ample opportunities to purchase the solid gold hits of this, our current decade! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE FUTURE, YOU GUYS [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] IN THE FUTURE, portrayals by others of our shared past will infringe upon our memories of it, and people born after our time will only understand it through the shorthand aspects of cultural consensus found in the media. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Just like how everyone in the 20s was a flapper!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] IN THE FUTURE, our actions and beliefs will be evaluated by standards we didn't have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No doubt! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IN THE FUTURE, we'll solve the old problems but we'll also have new problems. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Also, we'll still have some of the old problems. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The future, ladies and gentlemen!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maaaan! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I forgot to predict friggin' ROCKET BOOTS |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My life - ALL LIVES, in fact - would be measurably improved if I had a sweet accent! FACT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it totally doesn't count to say I already have an accent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're being relative here; it has to be different from everyone else around me. Wouldn't it be great if I sounded like Dame Judi Dench, Dromiceiomimus? I mean, a male version? Ooh, or like Cary Grant! I could sound like the platonic form of charming, suave, unreliable and debonair MANHOOD. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Have you tried faking it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, for sure, but all my accents sound like bad Irish fakes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's confusing and disappointing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, you want to sound like Cary Grant, eh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why not hire voice and accent coaches, like actors do? I don't see why the same "here's how to talk like someone you're not" lessons wouldn't apply just as well to you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, that's brilliant! Oh my gosh. My lifelong dream can finally now be realized! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MONTHS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, hello there, Utahraptor! Wouldn't you say I sound like a young Cary Grant? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm even more awesome!! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My life - ALL LIVES, in fact - would be measurably improved if I had a sweet accent! FACT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it totally doesn't count to say I already have an accent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're being relative here; it has to be different from everyone else around me. Wouldn't it be great if I sounded like Dame Judi Dench, Dromiceiomimus? I mean, a male version? Ooh, or like Cary Grant! I could sound like the platonic form of charming, suave, unreliable and debonair MANHOOD. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Have you tried faking it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, for sure, but all my accents sound like bad Irish fakes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's confusing and disappointing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, you want to sound like Cary Grant, eh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why not hire voice and accent coaches, like actors do? I don't see why the same "here's how to talk like someone you're not" lessons wouldn't apply just as well to you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, that's brilliant! Oh my gosh. My lifelong dream can finally now be realized! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MONTHS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, hello there, Utahraptor! Wouldn't you say I sound like a young Cary Grant? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, sure! It would |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People are predicting the future all the time. All the time, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone must have gotten it right by now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So I'm going to go back and read tons of "Life in the World of Tomorrow" articles from centuries past, and find the one dude who was the closest to being accurate. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And then what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What do you mean, "And then what"? And then I'm going to read a bunch of startlingly accurate predictions about our futuristic society! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It is kind of neat to imagine the one guy who, purely by chance, has the most right predictions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd love to go back in time and tell him "Hey man - of everyone here, you were the most right." Actually - I think I'd mostly just like to hear that myself. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It would be pretty amazing to go through life knowing that in the future, people not only remember but also APPROVE of you. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, Utahraptor, that's dumb! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People are predicting the future all the time. All the time, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone must have gotten it right by now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So I'm going to go back and read tons of "Life in the World of Tomorrow" articles from centuries past, and find the one dude who was the closest to being accurate. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And then what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What do you mean, "And then what"? And then I'm going to read a bunch of startlingly accurate predictions about our futuristic society! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It is kind of neat to imagine the one guy who, purely by chance, has the most right predictions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd love to go back in time and tell him "Hey man - of everyone here, you were the most right." Actually - I think I'd mostly just like to hear that myself. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It would be pretty amazing to go through life knowing that in the future, people not only remember but also APPROVE of you. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, time travellers! This |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a guy who really likes Batman. And it occurs to me: at some point in my life I'm going to be an old man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to be an old man who really likes Batman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's gonna be so awesome. Am I to imagine that one day I somehow WON'T be interested in figthin' crime, punchin' dudes, and saying things like "I AM THE NIGHT"? Of course not! When I'm old I'll be sitting on a rocking chair next to the other old men, arguing about whether it's Batman or Bruce Wayne that's the real mask. CLEARLY BRUCE IS THE MASK. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sounds like this comforts you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, it totally does. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have NO IDEA where I'll be or what I'll be doing in fifty years but when I picture myself talking about Batman everything falls into place. I'll always have that, you know? No matter what happens, I'll always be able to argue about Batman. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Even if you were paralyzed and couldn't communicate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He said it after he invented satellites, I KNOW |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a guy who really likes Batman. And it occurs to me: at some point in my life I'm going to be an old man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to be an old man who really likes Batman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's gonna be so awesome. Am I to imagine that one day I somehow WON'T be interested in figthin' crime, punchin' dudes, and saying things like "I AM THE NIGHT"? Of course not! When I'm old I'll be sitting on a rocking chair next to the other old men, arguing about whether it's Batman or Bruce Wayne that's the real mask. CLEARLY BRUCE IS THE MASK. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sounds like this comforts you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, it totally does. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have NO IDEA where I'll be or what I'll be doing in fifty years but when I picture myself talking about Batman everything falls into place. I'll always have that, you know? No matter what happens, I'll always be able to argue about Batman. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Even if you were paralyzed and couldn't communicate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, please! For every Batman argument that comes out |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX DID YOU HEAR ARCHIE IS GETTING MARRIED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perennial teen Archie Andres of Riverdale, USE?! To whom? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] VERONICA LODGE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, poor Veronica! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You'd rather she marry - well, who, Jughead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I'd rather she expand her horizons beyond the ten NON-BACKGROUND characters in Riverdale. Her dating options there are, in their entireity: Archie, Moose, Dilton, Chuck, Reggie, and Jughead. That's it! PROBABLY SHE CAN DO BETTER. Maybe she should chat up Background Teen In Green Shirt once in a while, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's like complaining when Princess Leia falls for Han Solo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that is a valid complaint! I hate it when fictional universes are SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC that everyone's hanging out in the same swimming pool. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay that's a metaphor, but just BARELY. It's basically a literal description of what's going on. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only so many characters can splash around in a swimming pool at the same time. And they keep bumping into each other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will go for a walk and talk about the weather. |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX DID YOU HEAR ARCHIE IS GETTING MARRIED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perennial teen Archie Andres of Riverdale, USE?! To whom? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] VERONICA LODGE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, poor Veronica! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You'd rather she marry - well, who, Jughead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I'd rather she expand her horizons beyond the ten NON-BACKGROUND characters in Riverdale. Her dating options there are, in their entireity: Archie, Moose, Dilton, Chuck, Reggie, and Jughead. That's it! PROBABLY SHE CAN DO BETTER. Maybe she should chat up Background Teen In Green Shirt once in a while, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's like complaining when Princess Leia falls for Han Solo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that is a valid complaint! I hate it when fictional universes are SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC that everyone's hanging out in the same swimming pool. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay that's a metaphor, but just BARELY. It's basically a literal description of what's going on. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only so many characters can splash around in a swimming pool at the same time. And they keep bumping into each other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! If there's a better two-sentence summary of BOTH Star Wars |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Medal stores will totally sell you whatever medal you ask for! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - why are people competing for first prize in a track meet when they can go out and buy a bigger trophy that says "ACTUAL FIRST PRIZE IN THE TRACK MEET: WAY BETTER THAN THAT OTHER GUY"? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Probably for the fun of sport, T-Rex! The goal isn't actually the trophy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I'm sure nobody will mind when I'm at the awards ceremony, making a big deal of my way more awesome prize! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There's a way we can turn this realization of yours into something more positive, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, what if instead of ruining track and field ceremonies, we bought awards for each other? Yours could say something like "SASSIEST DUDE" - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And yours could say "CHUMLY PAL"! Oh my gosh, YES. Let's award each other medals! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, thanks for the award, but I'm not wearing a gold medal that says "DROMICEIOMIMUS: THE CLASSY DAME WITH THE SIX-SYLLABLE NAME". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I understand, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However, I don't claim to be a misogynist! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Medal stores will totally sell you whatever medal you ask for! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - why are people competing for first prize in a track meet when they can go out and buy a bigger trophy that says "ACTUAL FIRST PRIZE IN THE TRACK MEET: WAY BETTER THAN THAT OTHER GUY"? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Probably for the fun of sport, T-Rex! The goal isn't actually the trophy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I'm sure nobody will mind when I'm at the awards ceremony, making a big deal of my way more awesome prize! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There's a way we can turn this realization of yours into something more positive, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, what if instead of ruining track and field ceremonies, we bought awards for each other? Yours could say something like "SASSIEST DUDE" - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And yours could say "CHUMLY PAL"! Oh my gosh, YES. Let's award each other medals! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, thanks for the award, but I'm not wearing a gold medal that says "DROMICEIOMIMUS: THE CLASSY DAME WITH THE SIX-SYLLABLE NAME". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I understand, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't know they'd be engraving it live |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the 1300's, the regular chicks and dudes in England were speaking what we'd call "Middle English", a rapidly developing alternative to the Latin and French used in religion and government. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was an exciting time to be saying "Forsooth"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And some of these dudes were big into English being developed as a "real" language, particularly one John Wycliffe, who decided to translate the Bible - one of, if not THE most important book of his time - into casual English. This would allow John's less educated countrymen to read it since, as it'd been written in Latin since the 5th century, currently required either formal education or a priest to interpret it for you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But when they started translating, they ran onto some problems! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Papal Resistance? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, but also a lot of English words they needed didn't exist yet! So John invented them, and we still use his "behemoth", "puberty", and "zeal". But he also needed a word for intestines", and the phrase he came up with - FOR THE BIBLE, I REMIND YOU - was "arse ropes". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hilarious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's how these things always start!! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the 1300's, the regular chicks and dudes in England were speaking what we'd call "Middle English", a rapidly developing alternative to the Latin and French used in religion and government. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was an exciting time to be saying "Forsooth"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And some of these dudes were big into English being developed as a "real" language, particularly one John Wycliffe, who decided to translate the Bible - one of, if not THE most important book of his time - into casual English. This would allow John's less educated countrymen to read it since, as it'd been written in Latin since the 5th century, currently required either formal education or a priest to interpret it for you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But when they started translating, they ran onto some problems! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Papal Resistance? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, but also a lot of English words they needed didn't exist yet! So John invented them, and we still use his "behemoth", "puberty", and "zeal". But he also needed a word for intestines", and the phrase he came up with - FOR THE BIBLE, I REMIND YOU - was "arse ropes". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hilarious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that brings us to today"#8217;s |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for revenge! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] REVENGING MYSELF UPON MY ENEMIES, THAT IS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Specifically, revenging myself upon my enemies by finding out what their full names are, and then popularizing an insulting or embarrassing acronym that uses those initials. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like WTF! If I had an enemy named "Walter Theodore Freemont" I could invent WTF and then he'd be annoyed. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But WTF is already an invented acronym. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! It was an example, GEEZ. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to invent a NEW acronym that goes along with some enemy's initials, then ensure it gets super popular! Revenge: COMPLETED. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It seems like it'd be way easier to just make enemies with one W.T. Freemont that to try to direct the acronymic course of an entire language! IMHO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I am a new, more thoughtful dinosaur. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for revenge! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] REVENGING MYSELF UPON MY ENEMIES, THAT IS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Specifically, revenging myself upon my enemies by finding out what their full names are, and then popularizing an insulting or embarrassing acronym that uses those initials. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like WTF! If I had an enemy named "Walter Theodore Freemont" I could invent WTF and then he'd be annoyed. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But WTF is already an invented acronym. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! It was an example, GEEZ. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to invent a NEW acronym that goes along with some enemy's initials, then ensure it gets super popular! Revenge: COMPLETED. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It seems like it'd be way easier to just make enemies with one W.T. Freemont that to try to direct the acronymic course of an entire language! IMHO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God, people who say "IMHO" in |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! This is what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what if I... dressed up like a flapper, and said "Here's the news?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, if there has been a moral to my life over the past few days, it has been this: never |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! This is what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what if I... dressed up like a flapper, and said "Here's the news?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's a perfect ten and luckily I reserved some extra points for this scenario, listen I gotta go lie down. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe it's a good idea that people don't live forever. Rhetorical people, I mean! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like me and my dinosaur friends! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If everyone lived forever, then there'd still be folks alive today who feel PERSONALLY AGGRIEVED by the ancient Koban culture, or who hold true to their born belief that the Earth rightfully belongs to, I dunno - the Visigoths? We'd never get anything done because we'd all be bickering over ancient wrongs, real or imagined. If we can't forgive, death at least gives us the option to forget! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex: coming out strongly in favour of death? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Apparently!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Obviously I'd rather have an alive grandparent than a dead one, but I can see the advantage at the societal level in not having folks with mores thousands of years out of date still rinning around! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I suppose 3000 years ago there were people who DID hate the Kobans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! And now they're all dead, and the Kobans are dead, and we can all go through life without dealing with their irrelevant racism. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe it's a good idea that people don't live forever. Rhetorical people, I mean! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like me and my dinosaur friends! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If everyone lived forever, then there'd still be folks alive today who feel PERSONALLY AGGRIEVED by the ancient Koban culture, or who hold true to their born belief that the Earth rightfully belongs to, I dunno - the Visigoths? We'd never get anything done because we'd all be bickering over ancient wrongs, real or imagined. If we can't forgive, death at least gives us the option to forget! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex: coming out strongly in favour of death? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Apparently!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Obviously I'd rather have an alive grandparent than a dead one, but I can see the advantage at the societal level in not having folks with mores thousands of years out of date still rinning around! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I suppose 3000 years ago there were people who DID hate the Kobans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! And now they're all dead, and the Kobans are dead, and we can all go through life without dealing with their irrelevant racism. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Progress! Progress through everybody dying anf their kids |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty sure I just ate some spider eggs!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There were gross red egg-sac things at the bottom of my drink, Dromiceiomimus! And I thought "Gross" and then I said "At least I didn't consume any of them though!" and then I forgot about how you should never say things like that because then I found some sacs stuck between my teeth too. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Gross! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I KNOW [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can either be optimistic or pessimistic about this, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today, my friend, I choose pessimism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe THESE are the spiders who thrive on stomach acid! Maybe in a week I'll be vomiting up millions of tiny red spiders, over and over again. And maybe that won't be enough, and the rest will eat their way out, tunneling through my stomach, muscles, and finally, skin. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Gah! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pessimists say that by expecting the worst, they're pleasantly surprised when things don't go that badly! I thought I'd give it a try, but honestly... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because whenever I don't know what to say, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty sure I just ate some spider eggs!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There were gross red egg-sac things at the bottom of my drink, Dromiceiomimus! And I thought "Gross" and then I said "At least I didn't consume any of them though!" and then I forgot about how you should never say things like that because then I found some sacs stuck between my teeth too. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Gross! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I KNOW [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can either be optimistic or pessimistic about this, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today, my friend, I choose pessimism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe THESE are the spiders who thrive on stomach acid! Maybe in a week I'll be vomiting up millions of tiny red spiders, over and over again. And maybe that won't be enough, and the rest will eat their way out, tunneling through my stomach, muscles, and finally, skin. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Gah! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pessimists say that by expecting the worst, they're pleasantly surprised when things don't go that badly! I thought I'd give it a try, but honestly... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think pessimists are imagining hard enough |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not afraid to admit it: I've nurtured some talents and have become particularly good at certain things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am really good at stomping on things. Years of practice have enabled me to put my foot above an object, shift my weight to the foot with force, and thus compress whatever is beneath my foot. And should I see someone struggling with stomping, something SO HARD for them and yet so easy for me, I would gladly help them out! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Assuming they want it, of course. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you agree that this is the right thing for me to do, assuming nobody is hurt through the stomping. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Absolutely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I'm STILL not cleaning raccoon poop off your porch, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR we just LOGICALLY PROVED that if raccoon poop makes me puke and you can handle it fine, then you should be the one cleaning it!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please, Utahraptor, I- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for stomp, stomp, stomp, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not afraid to admit it: I've nurtured some talents and have become particularly good at certain things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am really good at stomping on things. Years of practice have enabled me to put my foot above an object, shift my weight to the foot with force, and thus compress whatever is beneath my foot. And should I see someone struggling with stomping, something SO HARD for them and yet so easy for me, I would gladly help them out! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Assuming they want it, of course. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you agree that this is the right thing for me to do, assuming nobody is hurt through the stomping. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Absolutely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I'm STILL not cleaning raccoon poop off your porch, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR we just LOGICALLY PROVED that if raccoon poop makes me puke and you can handle it fine, then you should be the one cleaning it!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please, Utahraptor, I- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't handle the fact that my neighbours are poopy raccoons |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for some new punctuation marks, bitches!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And double exclamation marks don't count, bitches!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I thought we'd agreed - on your urging, actually - that we'd all be saying "bitches" less. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, britches!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] See, that's still basically "bitches". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I concede the point easily, backstitches!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, new punctuation marks? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! New punctuation marks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so I want one that conveys all the sass of saying "x, bitches!!" without the casual cussing and for any value of x. I want punctuation that when read causes all readers - regardless of who or when they are - to whisper a frank and awed "oh snap!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So invent it and convince everyone it's a good idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, were you using my new punctuation there? Did you mean to convey "Convince everyone it's a good idea, bitches!!"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL) [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think my favorite was the old lady with the photograph of |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for some new punctuation marks, bitches!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And double exclamation marks don't count, bitches!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I thought we'd agreed - on your urging, actually - that we'd all be saying "bitches" less. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, britches!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] See, that's still basically "bitches". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I concede the point easily, backstitches!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, new punctuation marks? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! New punctuation marks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so I want one that conveys all the sass of saying "x, bitches!!" without the casual cussing and for any value of x. I want punctuation that when read causes all readers - regardless of who or when they are - to whisper a frank and awed "oh snap!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So invent it and convince everyone it's a good idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, were you using my new punctuation there? Did you mean to convey "Convince everyone it's a good idea, bitches!!"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL) [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just - I don't really know what it sounds like yet |