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After I gave the intruders the code to my safe, they looked at me with blank stares.

Finally, one of them chuckled and said “buddy, we weren’t sent here to take your money.”

I was so happy, I'd finally found a cure for cancer!

That must be the research team coming to see the results,but why are they all driving black SUVs with tinted windows?

My neighbor wouldn't stop complaining about my German Shepherd barking at all hours of the night.

Now I don't have to listen to him complain and my German Shepherd has a new chew toy.

After the paramedics restarted her heart, my sister clutched my hand and begged me not to let her die.

'The angels... the angels are waiting for us... and they are so very, very angry...' she whispered in despair.

"I said two of EVERY animal!"

With a sigh Noah welcomed the termites aboard then stripped himself bare, ready to receive his final passengers - the parasites.

The liquid, which granted the drinker a much longer life, sold at auction for a staggering $963b.

To the person that now owned the last few hundred litres of the Earth's clean drinking water, I'm sure it was worth every dollar they paid.

Her teachers always said that our daughter was an excellent problem solver.

If we had only known that she considered her little brother to be a problem.

I saw my former student, he said, "Hello" to me, I walked on, he turned to stab me, I felt his knife go into my chest, I said, "Don't you know that you can't just make multiple sentences fit the rule of a subreddit just by adding commas, this leads to run-on sentences, have I taught you nothing?"

I got my sister a "better luck next time" card, and got all of our family to write funny messages on it

Watching her collapse to the floor weeping after reading it, made her infant son's funeral all the more enjoyable

Upon returning to earth, NASA discovered a dead astronaut.

Nobody can figure out who it is.

“Do you smell gas?” I asked my friend.

“What?” my friend said, as he struck a match to light his cigarette.

As she held my hand, she broke down sobbing and apologized to me again and again.

That’s probably a bad sign coming from a palm reader.

She was walking alone and wearing a short skirt, so of course a creep followed her into this alley.

She smiled, delighting in how fun it was to choose victims this way.

Today I'm finally going to my first visit with a new therapist to finally say everything I wanted to say for so many years

I wonder if she'll realize I am telling her own story or she was too young to remember everything I've done to her.

They say the human brain can stay active for up to 30 seconds after being separated from the body.

Its been 13 years now, why am I still here.

"Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line and your call we be answered in the order it was received."

"IT'S BEEN THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES MY MOM NEEDS AN AMBULANCE!!"

The animal rights leader preached, "It is time we gave heartless pet abusers some perspective."

As they strapped me to a chair and closed in with their knives, I wished I hadn't told them that I neutered my cat last week.

I’ve always wondered - when I close my door, does the outside world still remain?

Today, the answer was no.

I was beating the enemy in combat to a bloody pulp.

But when I saw my daughters beaten face, and the sound of my wife crying, I was brought back to the sound of fireworks.

Due to the terms of the surrender, I had no choice but to behead the man in front of me.

After his family was set free, my own was brought up next to watch while I handed the executioner's axe to the man behind me.

IN CASE OF FIRE, READ THE FOLLOWING POST.

You cheated, I haven't set the fire *yet.*

Having never learned to swim, I was terrified when I fell overboard in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

As I sank beneath the waves and took what should've been my last breath, I was even more horrified to learn that I could breathe underwater as I continued sinking ever deeper.

"Turn back" whispered the eerie voice.

Trembling, I apologized profusely as I turned back to the previous page, forgetting that it isn't nearly as fast at reading as I am.

Just in time I noticed someone slip something into my drink at the party.

My blood ran cold when I realized it was the friend who's supposed to drive me home tonight.

And now for my final trick, I shall make myself disappear!

The audience's cheers of excitement quickly turned into screams of terror when I took my jacket off to reveal the bomb strapped to my chest.

My hands were shaking and there were tears in my eyes as I dialed 911.

I hoped that I sounded convincing enough when I told them how my best friend had “committed suicide”.

UPS NOTIFICATION: Your package was delivered.

DRIVER'S NOTES: *Package did NOT want to be delivered.*

growing up, my parents wanted me to be a surgeon or a lawyer.

as a serial killer defending myself in court, i got to be both.

It was gross pulling all the hair out of the bath's plug hole, but then I found the teeth.

Dammit, the website said the acid would dissolve EVERYTHING!

The kids decided to play doctor.

Nobody realized they could reach the medicine cabinet.

Walking down the mostly empty city streets, I had the feeling someone was following me.

Then, I got a text that said, “run,” with a link to a live stream following me.

I've watched my daughter's 3rd grade saxophone recital at least 100 times.

If I pause it at the right frame, I can almost make out the stranger that was talking to her backstage before she went missing.

As the first person to land on Mars, I decided to prank the mission control by saying "WHAT IS THAT THING" and then going silent.

Never expected to hear "Mission Successful" from them.

I felt like I was really getting to know my future wife’s kids these past few weeks.

Now if I could only find a good way to introduce myself to her.

My father was levitating in his room and i think he may be possessed.

That was what i thought until i saw the rope.

Yesterday, I had to put my cat down as she had contracted rabies.

It wasn't until I felt a pain at the base of my head that I remembered she had bitten me the week before.

For her fifth birthday, Katie had begged her parents for light-up sneakers.

She regretted it now, as the flashing lights threatened to give away her location to the man prowling her kindergarten with a gun.

She climbed off the moaning corpse and crossed "Sex with the undead" off her bucket list.

The fact that zombie sperm also had a taste for brains came as a real, if short-lived, shock to her.

I used to do necrophilia

I stopped when the body said "more"

We went looking for God.

All we found was an empty, blood-stained throne.

After 24 years, my husband was finally out of the house

That's how long it took to send him, piece by piece, as birthday presents to his mistress

Head's Up: TSH is going dark...indefinitely

# In accordance with the results of our poll, this subreddit will be joining in on the protest of Reddit's API changes that will essentially kill all 3rd party Reddit apps. ## What's going on? A recent Reddit policy change threatens to kill many beloved third-party mobile apps, making a great many quality-of-life features not seen in the official mobile app permanently inaccessible to users. On May 31, 2023, Reddit announced they were raising the price to make calls to their API from being free to a level that will kill every third party app on Reddit, from Apollo to Reddit is Fun to Narwhal to BaconReader. Even if you're not a mobile user and don't use any of those apps, this is a step toward killing other ways of customizing Reddit, such as Reddit Enhancement Suite or the use of the old.reddit.com desktop interface . This isn't only a problem on the user level: many subreddit moderators depend on tools only available outside the official app to keep their communities on-topic and spam-free. ## What's the plan? On June 12th, [many subreddits](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/1401qw5/incomplete_and_growing_list_of_participating/) will be going dark to protest this policy. Some will return after 48 hours: others will go away permanently unless the issue is adequately addressed, since many moderators aren't able to put in the work they do with the poor tools available through the official app. This isn't something any of us do lightly: we do what we do because we love Reddit, and we truly believe this change will make it impossible to keep doing what we love. **The two-day blackout isn't the goal, and it isn't the end. Should things reach the 14th with no sign of Reddit choosing to fix what they've broken, we'll use the community and buzz we've built between then and now as a tool for further action.** ## What can you do as a user? * Complain. Message the mods of /r/reddit.com, who are the admins of the site: message /u/reddit: submit a support request: comment in relevant threads on /r/reddit, such as [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/reddit/comments/12qwagm/an_update_regarding_reddits_api/), leave a negative review on their official iOS or Android app- and sign your username in support to [this post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/comments/13yh0jf/dont_let_reddit_kill_3rd_party_apps/) * Spread the word. Rabble-rouse on related subreddits. Meme it up, make it spicy. Bitch about it to your cat. Suggest anyone you know who moderates a subreddit join the coordinated mod effort at /r/ModCoord. * Boycott and spread the word...to Reddit's competition! Stay off Reddit entirely on June 12th through the 13th- instead, take to your favorite non-Reddit platform of choice and make some noise in support! * Don't be a jerk. As upsetting this may be, threats, profanity and vandalism will be worse than useless in getting people on our side. Please make every effort to be as restrained, polite, reasonable and law-abiding as possible. ## What can you do as a moderator? * Join the coordinated effort over at /r/ModCoord * Make a sticky post showing your support, [A template has been created here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProCSS/wiki/api_protest_template) you can use or modify to your liking, and be sure to crosspost it to /r/ModCoord. **Thank you for your patience in the matter,** **-Mod Team**

I sighed as I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s your emergency?”

My lack of emotion turned to despair as a voice two feet away from where I sat whispered, “I’ve just witnessed a murder.”

I petted the little puppy in my arms, reading all the praises and compliments after her rescue video reached 1M views on YouTube.

With a smile I opened my phone camera, dropped her into the sewer, and started recording once again.

The priest has been trying to exorcise me out of this body for two days, but I’m not going anywhere.

It’s the only way to keep them all safe from the child.

I tried to untie her from the chair, blind and shaking.

The rope was so strange, for it felt like warm wet meat and i couldn't find the end of it yet.

She crouched, hidden, motionless as a statue and barely breathing, hoping he wouldn't find her.

Mommy had always taught her not to leave with a stranger, and these men in helmets with hoses calling her name were strangers.

I watched in shock as the woman threw it to the ground, and then exclaimed "I shouldn't have to pay for this as it is damaged"

The newborn on the ground was screaming in pain, as the mother continued to argue about the hospital bill

“You said you’ve always wanted a sibling,” my father said.

As he hugged me from behind with both palms on my pregnant belly, he whispered, “Soon you will have one.”

It was on every radio station, "Cover your eyes, they can't hurt you if they can't see your eyes!"

The creatures smashed through the door as we all huddled in the corner, hands over our faces, but I could only sit and listen as they devoured my youngest who shouted as they entered, "Peek-a-boo!"

When your brain stops getting enough oxygen, sometimes you will forget what has just happened.

When your brain stops getting enough oxygen, sometimes you will forget what has just happened.

I opened my eyes to a message on the wall, "Run before they wipe your memory".

I opened my eyes to a message on the wall, "Run before they wipe your memory".

My best friend finally invited me over to her house!

I knock on the door in anticipation only to have it answered, not by an oblivious little girl, but by a cop.

The Lead Detective celebrated as I was found guilty of murdering my Wife and two children.

If only I’d bullied someone else in grade school.

I woke up to the sound of chickens chirping at each other on this fresh morning_

_and looked out the window of my cage. How many more reincarnations before I was human again?

I told her there was no monster in her closet as I picked her up told her she could sleep with us tonight.

I figured that was the safest way off getting her out of the house without him realizing I saw him.

"I swear, I was just innocently walking home; I was kicking stones, and one just got away from me!"

The Father and The Holy Spirit were still angry despite my apology, claiming that the stone was rolling toward their pet-project in the Milky Way galaxy...

I always thought those people in the zombie movies who hid their bites from their friends where dumb.

But now I'm looking up at the zombies getting cured, and I wish I had been dumber before I shot myself.

“My baby would never do something like that!” mommy screamed at the policeman.

Now that my little brother is gone, I’m finally mommy’s baby again.

“Did you know all humans are female while they’re in the womb?”, she asked her son.

“So in a way, you already know what it is like... I’m just going to help you remember”, she continued, snipping her scissors in the air.

[AUG21] As punishment for making fun of a homeless man the other day, my mom is making me sleep in the cold garage for a night.

But jokes on her, I snagged her keys and I'm already getting sleepy in the nice warm car.

Did you hear about the Serial Killer that slaughtered 27 brunettes across the U.S. and Canada in 2020 and 2021?

Of course you haven’t, I’m very good at what I do.

The GPS is telling me there’s a major accident on the road ahead, but I don’t see one.

Maybe it’s just my phone, let me see if it’s-

My brother and I sat down with the ouija board, and both place our hands on the planchette,

He said “Cole are you here with me?” I moved the planchette to yes.

The worst part of the Zombie Apocalypse, wasn't the deafening silence and loneliness.

It was having full consciousness and thought, but being unable to control my rotting body.

“I’ve always wondered, what’s the scythe for, anyway?” I asked, as Death escorted me to the underworld.”

“Protection,” he answered nervously.

The young boy was taught to poke holes in boxes that housed any of the little critters he captured so they could breathe.

So when his little sister told him she had butterflies in her stomach, knife in hand, he knew what he had to do.

In an isolated room, a group of people are assigned with a number from one to ten.

You can guess why everyone was afraid of seven.

I opened another pack of cigarettes as she admonished me, “You know, those things can kill you.”

It wasn’t until I woke up screaming into the pillow pressed down hard on my face, as a thousand cigarettes exact bloody vengeance on me for all their charred brethren, did I realize the true meaning of the phrase.

His head strapped in place, he screamed as she pulled the guillotine, cutting it off.

Then she readjusted the small device, and told the crying man: "Get ready for the next inch."

"Happy Birthday Ellie!" we cried out joyfully, as my daughter blew out the candles on her cake.

"That's him Officer, the man who took her" I said, pointing at the stranger in the back of the shot as the policeman paused the home video.

After the tour Bus accident, we boarded the another bus which arrived and waiting there

When I asked the conductor why my friends weren't getting on the bus, he replied: "because they survived the accident".

I chased him, gun in hand, as he ran down the street, screaming.

If I couldn’t contain patient zero, we’d be in serious trouble.

"It's called Heterochromia" my little girl said, proudly pointing to her blue and green eyes.

I left her standing with the bloody orbs in her upturned palm, as I sprinted to the playroom to find her little brothers.

They didn't understand how she'd died as she'd been bitten several times before and was immune to the virus.

When they did the autopsy, her writhing, mangled insides revealed that while she was immune, the fetus wasn't.

Tyler's classmates always mocked him for being so overweight.

But when the plane crashed, stranding them on this barren island, they were very grateful for his plumpness.

I leaned into the mirror, squinting as I raised the tweezers to my eyebrow to pluck a single hair that had been annoying me for a while now.

It was strangely difficult to pull, but I could only scream as I realised I had pulled out the leg of a very angry spider in my skin.

School shooter kicked the door open to the class i was hiding in.

Good thing i already finished the ritual and the swarm of dead students mauled him in a span of seconds.

Blood started gushing out its neck, rapidly staining the roof and walls.

Emily regretted pulling her doll's head off.

After I killed my wife’s doppelgänger, the real Amy smiled.

Then she took my wife’s diary from behind her back and said, “it’s a good thing I had the answers to all your questions.”

I remember my granddaughters birthday like it was yesterday, as she blew out the candles she proudly proclaimed "I want Grandad to live forever!"

I tried to hide my anger with a frown at the funeral as I watched her grandsons coffin be lowered into the ground.

The lights turn off, and I immediately race up the basement stairs.

"I almost had you that time!" I shout as he slams the basement door behind him.

My mentally challenged brother loves finger-painting, so I let him decorate a bunch of my stuff.

Since I told him to use “invisible ink”, now it’s *his* prints that are all over the evidence.

In a vision, an angel had told him, "you will leave this world with your wings stretched wide."

He learnt this to be true twelve years later, on a holy mission to the lands of the Norse.

Grasping my little sister's hand, I sprinted through the refugee camp my family had been relocated to for our safety.

I hated to be the one to tell them that if they didn't pay the increased ransom the rebels would send the full arm next.

"BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

The industrial fridge's overwhelming buzzing drowned out the trapped young girl's fading screams, while only a few steps away her parents left to join the search party on the 3rd night since reporting her missing.

My stomach dropped as I turned on the TV, desperately trying to see if my son was alright after hearing the local high school was dealing with an active shooter.

My fear turned to confusion quickly - why did every news reporter know him by name?

I immediately stopped stalking the woman I’ve had a crush on for the past six months.

When I discovered dozens of pictures of me sleeping, hanging in her closet.

After hearing the prophesy of who would kill him, the man had of course slit his beloved son's throat.

As he lay there, completely paralyzed and wracked with agony for the last 10 years, he realized that not all killing was done with malice.