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My hungry boyfriend sighed heavily as I moved the cutlery to take a better picture of our dinner.

“Babe can you hurry up it’s getting harder to hold her still.” he said.

The police were very apologetic when handing me my daughters suicide note

I didn't take too much time reading it, after all I wrote it myself.

“Can I speak to the manger?” She asked, eyes full of irritation.

Glancing below at his body beneath the counter, I gave a shake of my head and told her that he wasn’t here right now.

"I'm so sorry about this m'am" the officer said regretfully as he walked me into the room to identify my estranged husband's body.

Frozen in my steps, the sight of my husband's cruel smirk swam before my eyes as the officer's voice continued "but the reward for getting you out of hiding was too good to pass up".

As he walked into the strange house, he thought the three statues looked a bit TOO realistic.

So did the next person who saw the four statues.

My dad didn’t beat cancer....

But I’m ok with that, one less thing for him to beat.

When the witch told me I would die on a Friday, I took it to my advantage doing dangerous things every other day knowing I wouldn't die.

Little did I know that it would take 2 days for my body to finally give out in the collapsed glacier cave, lost and alone.

You know the "shadow people" in the corner of your eye

Its your brain protecting you from the real things

I hid under my blanket when I heard the loud banging and raspy breathing at my front door.

I later learned that my neighbour passed away from an asthma attack.

I was excited to find out I could read people's minds!

Gotta say, the excitement faded quickly when the all I could hear in the empty graveyard was screaming.

I went to the bedside of my dying grandfather where he looked at me, visibly in pain, and asked to shake my hand one last time after reciting is favorite prayer.

When I woke up, I was looking at myself, recognizing my grandfather's grin on my own face before he left the room.

A fever is the result of a body trying to get rid of an infection.

Global warming isn't the problem — it's the solution.

"Seedless Watermelon, my ass," I thought as I spit a particularly large one back onto my plate.

Then it ran away.

While father types at manuscripts, and mother folds the clothes, my movement is a whisper undetected by them both.

And once I’ve gotten to the cribs, where sleeping babes now lie, first mother slumps, then father falls, then children breathe to die.

"So, $5700 as is," he said handing me the cash for my car.

But when I began unstrapping my newborn, I felt a cold barrel pressed against my head, heard a click, and then his gravelly voice say: "As is."

My friend always practiced on me when she was training to be a makeup artist.

Now that I'm earning my degree in mortuary science, isn't it time to return the favor?

“I wish for cancer to go away”, the boy asked the genie.

“I’m sorry.. I can’t undo someone else’s wish.”

I was nervous to visit my boyfriend’s house for the first time, since he told me his mother is overprotective of him.

She jokingly said “Sorry dear, but he’s mine” as she firmly grabbed his thigh, but I couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable he looked when she touched him.

She was so easy to manipulate; all I had to do was flatter her a bit, and then she'd do exactly as I wanted.

Today again, she comes to me and asks, "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

Four teens drove to the woods to investigate the goatman legend for themselves.

Disappointed, they drew straws to see who would take the middle seat on the trip back.

"Please put him back" I whimpered to my husband.

"I know you're struggling but you can't keep tucking him in to his cot, please go and rebury him"

Having been enslaved, tortured and scarred for generations, they suddenly found the strength to free themselves.

The old farmer made it halfway across the field before being shredded and whipped into a frothy pulp by the baleful hay.

I picked up the phone to order us a pizza, telling him I would pay for it to make up for angering him.

Unfortunately, my husband spends as much time on social media as I do.

Everyone warned me that having an outdoor cat meant that it would bring me dead things.

I got used to it, the occasional bloody gift on my porch...but I expected it to stop when he passed away.

“For my execution, I choose nuclear detonation in Times Square, your honor,” I said smugly, knowing the judge couldn’t possibly meet their promise.

As the city’s evacuation plans went underway, I was forced to admit to myself that maybe they knew something about me that I didn’t.

I was in the hospital bleeding out but everyone was looking at their TVs instead of helping me.

I still remember 9/11 as the worst day I have ever had.

When the officiator asked Marie if she would take me as her husband, she began to tear up.

She and the entire wedding party began to howl with laughter as she said, "I'm sorry, this is the longest prank I've ever pulled and I can't believe you fell for it!"

My mom started scolding me and saying that I have to stop being so dependent on them for money, and learn to finally be an adult before hanging up on me

The kidnapper gave me a sympathetic look as he prepared to cut off another one of my fingers

I don't regret killing the man who raped my little sister.

What I regret is sitting next to him the first day of school and deciding to be his friend.

No matter how much we fight, my wife will always prepare my coffee in the morning.

Though this time, it did taste a little like almonds.

“I’m not very familiar with Poe,” I lied, leading my friend deeper into the wine cellar.

I promised myself that I wouldn't starve myself ever again, after I woke up in a hospital bed after passing out from hunger

I began to second guess this decision after my mother came in to visit me, and pointed out how the hospital gown makes me look chubby

The gardener mumbled to himself, cursing his poor memory, as he spread fresh homemade fertilizer on his crops.

“Eyes are good for your carrots... or do I have it backwards again?”

AITA for enforcing a ‘no electronics’ policy at meal times?

My wife found my stepdaughters pacemaker at the table and hasn’t stopped wailing since.

"mommy, where do we go when we die?"

"i don't know, sweetheart" replied the mother, picking up speed "let's go see."

I listened in horror as she told stories of how she was repeatedly beaten and raped

My girlfriend had threatened to make me regret splitting up with her, but I never realised how far she would go as I sat silently in the court room

Following the sound of the child's crying, I make my way further into the cave.

I feel my guide line suddenly go slack and, as my torch begins to flicker out, the crying slowly turns to laughter.

People say your worst fear is what killed you in your past life

That would explain why so many little children fear me

When the king stepped out of the palace, he found a crowd of his subjects enthusiastically shouting his name.

His smile broke apart when he saw the guillotine in the town center.

The ransom letter concluded, “if the money isn’t there by noon tomorrow, your son dies.”

He ran his fingers across the page, but couldn’t find a single word of Braille.

I frantically searched around the dark room to find a hint of where my captors had left me.

Only to realize it wasn't a dark room, they took my eyes.

We thought our daughter had a disturbing imagination judging from her drawings, but that wasn't the case.

She just had too good a memory.

I look in horror as the rabid canine sinks his teeth into my throat.

What hurt the most was seeing my master yell with the crowd of humans watching and betting on the fight.

[MAY21] As she sat crying after being beaten by her husband, her son came in with his teddy bear and asked, "Mother, may I?"

She nodded, and right after he twisted the bear's head, they heard a satisfying thud coming from the bathroom.

"Cheating is unforgiveable," I sobbed, pressing the knife deep into my boyfriend's throat.

"That's why my husband must never know."

"Daddy come watch me go down the tree slide!" my son yelled from outside

My stomach dropped when I looked out and saw him running toward the neighbor's wood chipper

My daughter's unblinking gaze was off putting as she stared up at me.

I put the lid back on the pot and left her to simmer.

She awoke feeling too warm, wet and itchy, so she shook until she was dry and had removed most of her fleas.

Then Earth returned to sleep.

My wife told me that someone was following her last night and I was so angry

I've asked the hitman to get the job done without being spotted

I had seen depictions of Cthulhu in popular culture, but I never thought I'd see him in real life.

And I especially never thought I'd see him fleeing in fear from something.

My grandfather died a hero for having hidden four jewish girls during the Occupation.

Now that I find the remains of the fifth one in his attic, alongside the diaries detailing everything he did to her, I'm happy he's gone.

"Finally! I have the power to freeze time!" The scientist said as he flipped the switch.

Little did he know that the device's effects will also be applicable on him.

I was concerned when my husband said that he was going to commit our son in a mental hospital.

Too late, I realized that he had said "arson," not "our son" as I watched the hospital burn to the ground.

"Are you okay?" I asked the pale woman lying naked on the beach.

"Oh yes," she replied softly, "this is my first time breathing out of the water."

After 357 years running from death I was almost relieved to finally see the Grim Reaper had tracked down to my remote mountain cave.

Until he asked, "Do you mind if I hide with you?"

The small girl giggled as she swung between her parents, holding both of their hands.

She was too happy to notice the rope holding them both up.

As I was dunking the man in the church creek for baptism I recognized him as the one who had terrorized my niece.

I put him under, baptizing him, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and Mary and Joseph and the Twelve Apostles, and every other holy name I could think of, until he finally stopped twisting and jerking under the water.

I could feel her little fingers take a viselike grip around my throat, squeezing the life out of me with all their might.

It's so cute when they fight back.

"Hey," my wife said, looking at the police sketch of the suspected killer, "that looks just like your dad."

I was just disappointed they made me look so old.

It was annoying how much she screamed every time I saw her.

Sawed*

My neighbor has been listening to people scream, cry and beg for 3 straight hours.

Whether he likes it or not.

No matter which Chinese restaurant I go to, no matter which city I’m in, the fortune cookie always reads “Enjoy every meal as if it was your last”.

Until today, that is, when it read “I hope you enjoyed your meal”.

I watched, terrified, as my little girl leaned over the edge of the well.

As she grinned down at me, I knew it hadn’t been an accident.

"I'm sorry, son, but your mother and father were in a car accident, and you'll need to come with us", the cop at my door said.

I don't know who these guys are, but I literally just killed my parents in the other room.

As I presented the two severed heads to her, she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me deeply.

“Mom and dad can’t keep us apart anymore,” I said before kissing her back.

The ticking seems to get slower every tick.

I really wish they hadn't buried me with my watch.

Buried alive but immortal, I resolved to claw myself out no matter how long it took.

It was half a century before I considered I could be digging the wrong way...

I jumped in to try and stop the drunk fighting as I didn’t want anyone’s head hitting a rock.

In the heat of the action nobody had noticed the canary’s silence.

Sounds of sirens filled the air as World War 3 began and the rich bunkered down in their subterranean shelters.

Their cheers and sighs of relief turned to horror, though, as the attack came not from above but below them and the feasting began.

My roommate hasn't left his room in three weeks.

I know he's depressed but he's gonna have to do something about that smell.

My friend says she’s a psychic, but I know she’s lying.

If she really was then she would’ve been able to see me.

I came to a sudden halt and grabbed my friends arm as I saw two clowns with knives blocking our path

I turned to him and my heart sank as I saw him grimly putting on a red clowns nose

When I went down to the basement and saw a desperate looking family I knew I had to report my father to the police.

Hiding Jews was against the law and my father needed to be punished.

Jenna had never given much thought to the lack of sensation from her chest down, that was just her life.

The night she awoke to flames consuming her bed, she just prayed the smoke would kill her before the flames reached her neck.

Ever since we let our dog, Lucky, back in the house last week he’s been walking with a strange limp, so we took him to the vet.

Our vet’s voice went cold as he explained the x-ray; Lucky’s unusual gait was because his bone structure indicated he was a bipedal vertebrate trying to walk on all fours.

"Mommy and Daddy are going to be so proud of me for giving puppy a bath and drying him."

"What's the smell coming from the microwave," said Dad.

I poked my head above the water, excited to breathe the cool air of the cave.

*Clunk.*

"Don't be doing something like that in front of my children" the woman screamed at me before grabbing it out of my hand and smashing it on the ground

I looked down at what was left of my only epipen as my vision began to get blurry and my breathing became more labored

The terms of the will were clear: all heirs must be present before the safety deposit box can be opened.

They gathered around eagerly as the eldest turned the key and lifted the lid, detonating the claymore inside.

Every night my mother would secretly kiss me in the forehead while I pretend to sleep

I told her on mother's day that i loved her for that but she called me silly and said that she never did.

The flight attendant serves me the same drink with with same bright smile she always did.

I could barely contain my tears as a wondered how many times I would have to relive this crash.

Gently so as not to wake her, he pulled her bra down and exposed her tits.

Then he added a couple drops of arsenic to each nipple and faked asleep, waiting for their newborn twins to wake and cry out for breakfast.

"Your wife's still hot," the cartel boss said, pouring me a drink.

"Drink her," he instructed after setting down the thermos.

He cried when he saw the acceptance letter from Stanford, as he wished his parents could be here to see it.

But he had to do it to come up with that orphaned teenager story for the college application.

I smiled warmly as my mother blinked in surprise when I visited her at the nursing home.

I knew that it was Morse for "SOS" but calmly wished her a good rest of the night as I strode out of the room and shut the door.

I kissed my baby daughter on the forehead and she smiled sweetly.

That was the moment I regretted choosing an open casket.

The Bartender had gotten my name wrong.

My name is Henry but she put "HELPME" instead, what a bad restaurant.

He stumbled in late, and I’m sure I could smell alcohol on his breath as he slurred an apology.

But I need this surgery, and he’s the only doctor I can afford.

Quietly she whispered, “Oh sweetie, did you wet the bed again?”

“It’s a good thing those chains are rubber coated, or they would have rusted away years ago,” she said as she turned the hose on to spray down the thrashing man.

You are the most powerful being alive.

Yet you seem to be bothered by that funny feeling in your ass.

My two brothers are hysterically knocking at the door of my big brick house but I refuse to open it for them.

To be savagely devoured by a hungry predator is the result of their sloth and incompetence, and I have nothing to do with that.

I’m surrounded by faceless people.

Judging by the amount of blood on my clothes, I think I’m the one who removed them.

You're all alone, but this man keep staring at you, and you know he wants to kill you.

You shrug, look away from the mirror, and head off to work as usual.

Did you know that some predators hunt using the ability to detect movements from their prey?

Now you might begin to understand why your sleep paralysis demons can't hurt you.

We had a warm autumn Saturday together, so I let my 6-year-old daughter bury me under a mountain of leaves.

After I lifted myself out, I could only look around in confusion, never imagining that would be the last day I would ever see her.

To alleviate the homeless problem the philanthropist donated a new tent, sleeping bag, and solar powered lantern to every unhoused person in the U.S.A.

The tents and bags were constructed of Polyurethane polymer-not to reduce cost- but because of the material's extreme flammability; easily ignited and impossible to escape at the time of the lanterns' synchronous combustions.

“You’re such a bitch!” I screamed at my sister in the middle of the town market.

The other villagers misheard me though, and they wouldn’t listen to my pleas when they grabbed my sister and dragged her to the lake to see if she would float or sink.

I'm still a little confused about NNN.

It's been a year now and they haven't grown back.

“If you take the red pill, you become a millionaire - but we kill a baby”

“If you take the blue pill you….errr….gosh it’s been so long since someone picked blue I can’t remember what it does”

"This will be a game changer for the food industry", she started her presentation right off the bat.

"This revolutionary technology reduces the gestation period of a human baby to a mere 3 days".