Datasets:

paul-stansifer

/

qwantz-strips-3550

like 0

all we can do now is lick our wounds and OH GEEZ

T-Rex: There are a lot of problems in the world! Someone ought to do something. T-Rex: Wait a second! T-Rex: I'M someone!! T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, I'M going to do something about all the problems. Dromiceiomimus: Great attitude, T-Rex! And I'm sure people already working on problems will appreciate the help. Which problem(s) are you going to focus on? T-Rex: Uh... all of them? Utahraptor: Might help to focus on one or two of them. T-Rex: Of COURSE! Utahraptor - that's IT! T-Rex: There's BILLIONS of people alive right now, and surely - SURELY - there's not actually BILLIONS of problems. If everyone take one problem each and solve it, then it won't be a lick of work! And then we could have this licked lickety-split! Off panel: Great, I'll take solving the problem of world hunger! T-Rex: And I'll take our sudden overuse of lick-based idioms! It doesn't make a lick of sense, but I'm sure I can lick it into shape! T-Rex (punchline): OH NO, IT'S GETTING WORSE

how come people don't forward jokes like these anymore? OH WAIT WAIT THEY DO

Narrator: WHY DO WE DRIVE ON A PARKWAY AND PARK ON A DRIVEWAY? T-Rex: Because the two words have different origins. Narrator: UNAMBIGUOUS ANSWERS TO OLD RHETORICAL QUESTIONS COMICS Narrator: WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THE ENTIRE AIRPLANE OUT OF THE SAME STUFF BLACK BOXES ARE MADE OUT OF? T-Rex: Because that would be impractical. Narrator: WHAT DO THEY USE TO SHIP STYROFOAM? Utahraptor: They use boxes! T-Rex: Yes, boxes. Narrator: IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? T-Rex: No, they would not. Utahraptor: That's silly. Narrator: IS IT TRUE THAT CANNIBALS DON'T EAT CLOWNS BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNY? T-Rex (punchline): ARGH!

in conclusion: i really hate the word

T-Rex: I received some excellent news last night: that I've been accepted in a part-time job at the local middle school (grades 6-8)! T-Rex: I'll be teaching TWEENS! Dromiceiomimus: Look, um, T-Rex - don't say that word. No real person ever uses that word. T-Rex: Then I will be the first! Dromiceiomimus: No, please, T-Rex, don't use that word. You know who uses that word? Jerks use that word, T-Rex. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I don't care what she says! I'm using the word "tweens"! Utahraptor: No you're not! T-Rex: Not you too! Utahraptor: “Tweens” is a totally illegitimate word! Older children are either adolescents or teenagers. No “tweens”. Utahraptor: “Tweens”. Utahraptor: Can you taste it on your tongue? “Tweens”. Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Ok tweens, I'll be your substitute teacher for today! T-Rex (punchline): And I was once a tweenager too, so I don't want any tween tricks played on me! Alright, tweens?

i presume this is what two married men sound like when they meet

T-Rex: I feel as if I've spent the past year in some sort of alternate reality! Indeed, if I were to describe my adventures over the past several months, I would describe them as... T-Rex: Non-canon! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things, out here in the REAL world! How are you today, Gertie? Dromiceiomimus: Just fine, Manospondylus Gigas! T-Rex: Ha ha! That of course is my name, which is why I am responding to it! I'm fine today, Gertie! Utahraptor: Manospondylus G.! Want to go out and get hammered? T-Rex: Hell yes! Utahraptor: Great. Me and my wife'll meet you at the Nisti Drinker, say, around seven? T-Rex: Great! I too will bring my wife. T-Rex and Utahraptor: We're both married! T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha ha!

but next week she writes again to say they are so totally back together now and are planning to populate the species

Narrator: COMPRESSED BIBLE COMICS Narrator: today's genre: TEEN MAGAZINE CONFESSIONAL T-Rex: Dear Seventeen, T-Rex: I was in the Garden of Eden, and I don't know what I was thinking, but.. I ate the forbidden fruit! T-Rex: It was SO embarrassing! My fave crush was there and he saw everything! Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, God showed up, and he kicked us both out of the Garden... for good! I could have died! T-Rex: Then, when we were outside, I suddenly knew shame for the first time... and my crush did too! I swear I never blushed so much in my entire life! T-Rex: There is a silver lining though - we are now completely in love, despite what happened! Utahraptor: Eve! Utahraptor: You're not writing to another teen magazine, are you? T-Rex: S-sorta? Utahraptor: Eve! The whole world doesn't need to know that stuff! Utahraptor: I'm totally breaking up with you, Eve! For real this time! Narrator: THAT EVENING... T-Rex (punchline): And he never called me again!

this comic works just as well if you replace 'do not exist' with 'do exist' and also change the examples

T-Rex: Unicorns and flying submarines are two things that do not exist! Narrator: T-REX IN: "THINGS THAT DO NOT EXIST" T-Rex: Other things that don't exist include talking plants and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out of neither ham nor cheese! T-Rex: These things DON'T EXIST. T-Rex: Also: objectivity. Utahraptor: Why are you listing things that don't exist? You could be here, literally, forever! T-Rex: So? T-Rex: At the end, I'll have an exhaustive list of Things That Don't Exist. Then in the future if anybody ever wants to see if something exists, they could just consult my list! Utahraptor: But people will always be coming up with new things that don't exist! T-Rex (punchline): Mine the task eternal!

you can imagine his surprise!

T-Rex: I wonder what the world would be like if I had never been born! T-Rex: I wonder! T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] Dromiceiomimus: Christmas a humbug, uncle! You don't mean that, I am sure? T-Rex: I do. “Merry Christmas!” What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough. Dromiceiomimus: Come, then. What reason have you to be morose? You're rich enough. T-Rex: Bah! Humbug! [T-Rex's daydream] Utahraptor: Ebenezer, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! T-Rex: Long past? [T-Rex's daydream] Utahraptor: No. YOUR past. T-Rex: What business brought you here? Utahraptor: Your welfare - take heed! Rise, and walk with me. T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: What the- ?! T-Rex (punchline): That's not what I wanted to dream about at all!

actually, i think i'm the only one i know (of my male friends) who actually looks forward to being an old man

T-Rex: I'm in the prime of life! T-Rex: Ha ha ha! T-Rex: Hey, Dromiceiomimus, would you say it's great to be young? Dromiceiomimus: I - I guess so! T-Rex: It's great, eh? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it's pretty great. T-Rex: It sure is! Utahraptor: If youth is so great, how come you're wasting it, T-Rex? T-Rex: I'm wasting it? Utahraptor: You are! At this rate, the only memories you'll have to fondly look back on when you're older are those of walking around and saying how great it is to be young! T-Rex: You're right! T-Rex (punchline): However, that will be more than enough excitement for me!

apparently they're going through a bit of a warm spell?

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH ALREADY-NAKED DINOSAURS DEBATE THE MERITS OF SWIMMING NAKED T-Rex: I believe today I will go down to the beach and swim! T-Rex: Naked! T-Rex: Good morning, Dromiceiomimus! Beautiful day, isn't it? Dromiceiomimus: It is indeed, T-Rex. A fine day for going to the beach - is that where you're headed? T-Rex: It is, my friend! I'm going to swim naked! Utahraptor: Off to the beach? T-Rex: I am, good sir! Utahraptor: Mind if I join you? T-Rex: Not at all! Utahraptor: Sweet. Let me go get my swimming trunks! T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: To swim in? T-Rex: Go naked! Utahraptor: No! I'll be right back. T-Rex (punchline): I'm swimming naked!

originally the utahraptor replied 'i wouldn't mind losing this one!' but that's not true at all

Narrator: HOW TO WIN ARGUMENTS T-Rex: Winning arguments is easy! T-Rex: The secret is to convince your opponent that arguing with you isn't worthwhile! When they abandon the argument/friendship, you win! T-Rex: It's really that easy! Utahraptor: I feel your technique isn't one for winning arguments; rather, it's one for losing friendships! T-Rex: No! T-Rex: I SPECIFICALLY specified that it's for winning arguments/friendships. Utahraptor: First: annoying your opponent doesn't mean you've won. Second: you can't "win" a friendship. It's not a competition! There ARE no winners or losers. T-Rex (punchline): Hmm... sounds to me like somebody lost their last few friendships!

the symbolism!

Narrator: WHAT'S THE CUTEST PHRASE YOU CAN COME UP WITH? T-Rex: That's easy! T-Rex: "Happy machine!" T-Rex: Now granted, it's not the cutest phrase if you just look at it. But if you think about what a happy machine would do - what it would look like, you end up with something that is just SO cute! T-Rex: A happy machine! Utahraptor: So - what? It's a machine that is happy? A happy robot? T-Rex: No! T-Rex: It's a machine to create happiness. A happy machine! Utahraptor: That - that IS pretty cute! Utahraptor: But what happens if the happy machine fails? If it breaks into pieces? T-Rex (punchline): Oh noo!

hit me matey one more time

T-Rex: I've made a fantastic discovery: a discovery bound to send the music theorists back to their dusty old drawing boards! For you see.... T-Rex: I've discovered how to turn most any love song into a sea shanty! Dromiceiomimus: A sea shanty? Like, a pirate song? T-Rex: Indeed! Dromiceiomimus: And how do you accomplish this miraculous transformation? T-Rex: Easy! I simply replace every instance of "baby" with "matey"! Utahraptor: There's no way that would work, T-Rex! No way! T-Rex: Try it yourself! Utahraptor: Alright! Hmm.. well - "together you and me could be so special matey"... Utahraptor: "Hush little matey/Don't you cry"... Utahraptor: "Ma ma ma ma matey / Don't forget my number!" T-Rex: See? T-Rex (punchline): It's amazing!

that and PUBESCENCE

Narrator: THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ADULTS AND CHILDREN COMICS Narrator: (note that if you already have a full grasp on such differences, this comic will probably be of no help to you) T-Rex: The differences between adults and children are many! T-Rex: For example: while adults are by definition fully-grown, children are much smaller! T-Rex: Adults have more life experience than children, who may have very little! T-Rex: Adults are, legally, fully-recognized people, while children are not! They do not have the same rights. T-Rex: Yes, there are many differences between adults and children! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: What is it, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: I was just babysitting my adult neighbour. But then I realized: wait, you don't babysit adults! You only babysit CHILDREN. T-Rex: How embarrassing! Utahraptor: Oh, I know it! T-Rex (punchline): Well, to be fair, that IS one of the differences between adults and children!

well sir, seems to me that going to the movies with a t-rex would always be a treat

T-Rex: As the fantastic fellow that I am, I've decided to reward my friends for their hard years of friendship! T-Rex: I will be rewarding them by giving out prizes: anything their heart desires! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I would like to reward you for being my friend! What would you like? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I didn't become your friend because of the chance of a reward! I'm not sure this is a good idea: people might find it insulting! T-Rex: Is that true? Could others take my offer of prizes to be an insult? Utahraptor: Easily! Utahraptor: Here's why: it implies that being your friend is somehow deserving of recompense. You insult yourself, but you also insult us, because if we were truly your friends, we wouldn't want prizes! The fact that you are offering them implies you think we'd take them, which implies that you think our friendship is insincere! T-Rex: Good God, you're right! Let me make this up to you. We'll go to the movies! T-Rex: That'll be fun, eh? T-Rex (punchline): My treat!

i wish i had more times in my life where i could shout 'don't listen to him!'

T-Rex: I find "cooties" to be an interesting idea. We hear about this 'disease' as children, and we never forget! T-Rex: Nobody wants to have cooties, despite the fact that they have no effect on anyone whatsoever! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you have cooties? T-Rex: What? No! I don't have cooties! Nobody has cooties! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, but I heard you had cooties! I heard you had them bad! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you have cooties?! T-Rex: No I don't! T-Rex: What's with everyone asking me if I have cooties? Maybe YOU have cooties! Utahraptor: Ha ha, nice try! We all know that you're the one with cooties! T-Rex: I'm not! Utahraptor: I don't know... seems to me like you are! T-Rex: IT IS CLEAR THAT I DO NOT IN FACT HAVE COOTIES! Off panel: Everyone! This T-Rex here has cooties! T-Rex (punchline): No! Don't listen to him!

i don't even know anymore

T-Rex: I just realized: I'm almost certainly the one person who knows me the best! This has many implications... T-Rex: For one, it means if I think I'm awesome, no-one can dispute it because I'm the authority! T-Rex: This is great! I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who! T-Rex: Looks like my weekend just got filled up! Utahraptor: Unfortunately, your reasoning is flawed, T-Rex! T-Rex: I don't see how! Utahraptor: While you may well be the authority on all things T-Rex, this does not mean that people should accept your judgments without question! T-Rex: It doesn't? Utahraptor: Nope! Even authorities must justify themselves! T-Rex: I guess you're righ- Hey! T-Rex (punchline): Is there some political undertone to what you're saying?!

the challenge was to write a comic with the theme 'monkey whore'

T-Rex: I have been secretly programming in my spare time! What's more, I have completed my first game. I call it... T-Rex: "Monkey Whore!" T-Rex: Like all my work, the exclaimation mark belongs in the title. It's that exciting a game! Dromiceiomimus: What do you do in "Monkey Whore!"? T-Rex: Well, it's great. You start out as a monkey whore and then you collect coins and at the end of the game you are the Champion of the Monkey Whores! Utahraptor: Where did you pick up a word like "whore", T-Rex?! T-Rex: I saw it on the Internet! Utahraptor: And - you know what a "whore" is? T-Rex: I have the basic idea! A whore is someone who collects coins, yes? Utahraptor: T-Rex, a whore is someone who has sex for money. T-Rex: Holy cow! T-Rex (punchline): My game's not appropriate AT ALL!

apparently the cybernetic collective consciousness holds pep rallies for itself

Narrator: ORIGINALLY: T-Rex: Who cares about feelings? T-Rex: I tell it like it is! Narrator: THE EVOLUTION OF SOCIAL GRACES Narrator: VICTORIAN TIMES: T-Rex: My lady, wouldst thou be so kind as to prepare me my dinner and birth me my babies? Dromiceiomimus: Good sir, my heart is aflutter! I will do as you ask. T-Rex: You have my thanks! T-Rex: Quickly, now. Narrator: THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION: Utahraptor: Let's have (emotionally speaking) consequence-free sex! T-Rex: What's the secret word? Utahraptor: Please! Narrator: THE PRESENT DAY: T-Rex: Is it still alright to hold a door open for a lady? Utahraptor: Hmm... I think so, as long as you'd let her hold it open for you. T-Rex: Now that's fair to BOTH genders! Narrator: THE FUTURE: T-Rex: Who cares about feelings?! Multiple off-panel voices: We tell it like it is! T-Rex: Damn right! That's because we're all part of a cybernetic collective consciousness. T-Rex and multiple off-panel voices (punchline): AGREED

and what if my mom reads these comics? she'll find out I know about these cuss words!!

T-Rex: I have finished a new novel! This is my best novel yet, for the simple reason that it includes one critical aspect: T-Rex: A sex scene! Dromiceiomimus: YOU wrote a sex scene? T-Rex: Yep! It's HOT, if I do say so myself! Dromiceiomimus: But what if someone you know reads it? What if your MOM reads it? T-Rex: Shit! I hadn't thought of that! T-Rex: Damn damn damn! What am I going to do? I'm doomed! Utahraptor: Well, has the book been published? T-Rex: Not as such. Utahraptor: So? Problem solved! T-Rex: I - I guess so! Narrator: BUT TWO MONTHS LATER, THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED... T-Rex (punchline): I'm sabotaging my own life!!

DURING AN INFOMERCIAL?!?

T-Rex: Today I am not going to make any decision, except for this decision, just now, not to make any decisions! T-Rex: This is great! I can't be held responsible for my actions! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, should I stomp this house FAST, or should I stomp this house SLOW? Dromiceiomimus: You should stomp that house not at all! T-Rex: I'm sorry but please limit your answers to the suggestions provided! Utahraptor: I'm disappointed, T-Rex! You're not living up to the possibilities of your decision! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yeah, you could completely subsume your personality and only do what people tell you to do, thereby becoming the ultimate personification of society, and, likely, a very poignant example! Instead you're framing your questions so you do what you want to anyway. T-Rex: Oh man, I should totally become the ultimate personification of society! Everything I did would be instantly symbolic! T-Rex: Imagine the symbology if I committed suicide? T-Rex (punchline): WITH THE TV ON?

based on a true story, and uncannily mirroring that uncomfortable kid from high school

Narrator: ENTHUSIASTIC USE OF OUTDATED CATCH-PHRASES COMICS T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!" T-Rex: Ha ha ha! T-Rex: Hey, Dromiceiomimus! These people in this house, you know what they're saying? Dromiceiomimus: Huh? What? T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!" T-Rex: Ha ha ha! T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!" T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!", little lady! Utahraptor: Give it a break, T-Rex! Utahraptor: Your catchphrase is not only annoying, but OUT OF DATE. You should find a more modern catch-phrase! T-Rex: Like what? Utahraptor: Like... I don't know... Utahraptor: "The ravages of puberty leave no-one unscathed!" Narrator: TWO HOURS LATER: T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!" T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha ha!

philosoph comix

Narrator: PHILOSOPHY COMICS T-Rex: We can't trust our senses! The entire world could be an illusion!! T-Rex: Oh well. It doesn't really matter either way, I suppose. Dromiceiomimus: Are we still on for dinner? Narrator: THE END Narrator: PHILOSOPHY COMICS II Utahraptor: T-Rex! Science tells us everything is relative! Utahraptor: This means that there is no such thing as truth! Your idea of what is right could be just as good as mine! T-Rex: You misrepresent the science. All vantage points are relative, however, this does not mean that all THINGS are relative. That would be absurd. T-Rex: But please, continue to take simplified scientific results and apply them naively to philosophical thought! Narrator (punchline): fin

and sometimes they even come back with '550 5.1.1 user not found'!

T-Rex: With new understandings coming from the field of Science, we no longer have to give God all the credit for creating the Universe! T-Rex: It's great! T-Rex: In the past, we did not have a very good understanding of our world, and so attributing storms and such to God made sense. T-Rex: But NOW, we understand things! We don't need a God to make hurricanes and babies for us. We can make them in a lab! T-Rex: In effect, WE (and by 'we' I mean 'dinosaurs') have become the all-powerful Gods of old! Utahraptor: I'm afraid your reasoning is flawed, T-Rex! Fatally flawed! T-Rex: I don't see how! Utahraptor: Well, say when you're a kid your father builds the house you live in. You'd give him the credit, right? And say that you're older and NOW, you understand how to build a house. Can you then conclude that your father didn't build your childhood home? Utahraptor: The answer is "no", T-Rex! T-Rex: Well I still have plenty more proof that God doesn't exist! Remember all those emails I sent Him back in December? T-Rex (punchline): They BOUNCED!

i use that all the time!

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH MATTERS TAKE A SUDDEN TURN FOR THE WORSE T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content! T-Rex: Yes indeed, life is good! T-Rex: Wait - what's this? T-Rex: A growth on my leg? Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH THE DEAD COME BACK TO LIFE TO HARASS THE LIVING T-Rex: Run away! Utahraptor: Run away! T-Rex: Wait - what are we running from? Utahraptor: Remember? The dead have come back and are harassing the living! They want to eat our brains! T-Rex (punchline): Shit, no!

i think he could have come up with something more creative than 'the raptor', like maybe 'dr claw' if that wasn't already taken

T-Rex: I've decided that I will put my tremendous height, strength, abilities, intellect, and colour to good use! T-Rex: I will become... T-Rex: A superhero! T-Rex: First I need a secret identity, but I've already got that. Then I need an origin story, but I can figure that out later. What's most important is fighting crime! Dromiceiomimus: Shouldn't you be having these thoughts in your private lair, rather than out in the open? T-Rex: Silence, citizen! Utahraptor: Ooh! Ooh! I want to be a superhero too! T-Rex: No! You're stealing my idea! Utahraptor: I'll be The Raptor, and my ability will be to sneak up behind you, jump on your back, hook my claws into your flesh, and tear you apart! T-Rex: No, but I was going to - Utahraptor: Oh! And the Dromiceiomimus can be my sidekick! We'll have our own base! T-Rex: No fair! I was going to ask her to be MY sidekick! T-Rex: You can't just - T-Rex (punchline): My base is going to be better!

it is especially classy if you are dressed like punks because then you SHATTER CONVENTIONS

T-Rex: I have heard of the perfect way for one, and all of one's friends, to instantly appear to be the classiest group of people ever! Narrator: HOW TO APPEAR TO BE CLASSY T-Rex: The secret is the HANDSHAKE. If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are! T-Rex: This is going to be great! T-Rex: And when people do compliment me on my classiness, I'll shake their hand! Utahraptor: I think you may be on to something! T-Rex: I do believe I am! T-Rex: But you didn't shake my hand just now. It is LESS classy to run up behind someone shouting than to give them a firm handshake! Utahraptor: Oops! My mistake. I'll shake your hand right now! Ready? T-Rex: Ready! Off panel: Okay, hold out your arm! T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha! Here I go!

i confess i like how the dromiceiomimus and t-rex cheer together when they're both valentines

Narrator: VALENTINE'S DAY COMICS T-Rex: Valentine's Day?! T-Rex: Oh no! T-Rex: I need to find myself a Valentine, STAT! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I was hoping I'd run into you! Would you be my Valentine? T-Rex: Aww! Of course I'll be your Valentine, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Hooray! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! I wanted to ask you a question! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But before you say anything, I want to share with you some happy news: the Dromiceiomimus wanted to be my Valentine! Utahraptor: Oh! Utahraptor: Great! Utahraptor: Well! I guess you've got no need for me then! I GUESS I'LL JUST GO HOME AND DIE ALONE! T-Rex (punchline): Stupid manufactured holidays!

that was enough

T-Rex: I have recently discovered a new philosophical system of beliefs! T-Rex: Buddhism! T-Rex: Buddhism allows me to forgo material things. T-Rex: All I have to do is sit around all day and think, then I become enlightened! T-Rex: It is a sweet deal. T-Rex: Truly, Buddhism is the way for me! Utahraptor: Then why are you stomping on that woman? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: You're not supposed to go around killing people if you're a Buddhist. It's the first of the Ten Precepts! Utahraptor: I think it's pretty clear that you have only the most superficial grasp on the philosophy, T-Rex! Off panel: Perhaps culled only from cartoonish stereotypes! T-Rex (punchline): I also saw a statue!

it's always good to check

T-Rex: You know how sometimes you wonder what your life would be like, if only you made some decisions differently? T-Rex: Well, I intend to find out! T-Rex: It'll be great! I'll move to a new town and START OVER. Then every chance I have, I'll make the other decision: the one I didn't make the first time! T-Rex: It'll be great! And if things turn out worse with these new decisions, well then - lesson learned! I'll just move back here and never speak of it again. T-Rex: Then it's settled: I'll move to a new town, make new friends, and start a whole new identity! Utahraptor: Why? T-Rex: "Why"? Utahraptor: Yeah, "why", as in, "Why move away and start life again?" What, did you commit some horrible crime? T-Rex: Ha ha! T-Rex: NO, I didn't commit some horrible crime! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Right?

mee too

T-Rex: I have finally decided to add another word to my List of Favourite Words! T-Rex: The word? T-Rex: Sesquipedalian! T-Rex: The reason this word is so great is that it means "given to the overuse of long words" and it itself is a long word! T-Rex: I can't get enough! Utahraptor: So - what? You enjoy the irony of the word, T-Rex? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Is that alright? Utahraptor: Sure! It's great! T-Rex: Alright then! Utahraptor: Super! T-Rex: Fantastic! Utahraptor: Well then! T-Rex (punchline): I'm glad we had this little talk!

welcome to www.dinosaurcomics.com

T-Rex: I have been thinking of registering a domain name... T-Rex: ... on the Internet! T-Rex: This domain name will have to be something that reflects me and my interests! T-Rex: Something that says, "This is an awesome dude!" but also says "You should sign the guestbook!" T-Rex: Hmm... Utahraptor: I've got a great domain name for you! T-Rex: Oh boy! What is it? Narrator: AS THE UTAHRAPTOR GIVES HIS SUGGESTION, THE T-REX'S FACE FILLS WITH EXCITEMENT... T-Rex (punchline): That's perfect!

click for a completely new comic! with worse profanity!!

Narrator: ICE CREAM NIGHT T-Rex: Who wants some ice cream?! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, come over tonight! I'm going to have an ICE CREAM NIGHT. Dromiceiomimus: Ice cream night? T-Rex: Yeah! We'll all go out for ice cream! It'll be fun! T-Rex: Ice cream! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! Beautiful day, isn't it! T-Rex: It IS! T-Rex: It's so beautiful, you should come over tonight for ice cream! Utahraptor: Ice cream night? T-Rex: You know it! Utahraptor: I'm there! Narrator: THAT NIGHT... T-Rex (punchline): Shit, it's still winter!

you SMOKE?!

T-Rex: So, if you'll excuse the pun, I think you'll agree: one cannot have a "will to" something without first a "will through" something, yes? T-Rex: Utahraptor? T-Rex: Utahraptor?! T-Rex: Where the hell did he go? He was right here! T-Rex: We were talking! T-Rex: I was being CLEVER! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Wait up! T-Rex: Where were you? Utahraptor: You were a bit boring, so I went somewhere else! T-Rex: R-Really? Utahraptor: Ha ha, just kidding. I went to get some smokes. T-Rex: Since when do you smoke? T-Rex (punchline): Since WHEN?!

no jokes about how smoking is real reason dinosaurs went extinct, please

T-Rex: I can't believe the Utahraptor's a smoker! T-Rex: I can't believe it! T-Rex: Doesn't he know he's damaging his LUNGS?! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you know that the Utahraptor is a smoker? Dromiceiomimus: Sure I did! We smoke together sometimes! T-Rex: YOU smoke TOO?! I could stomp a house, I'm so shocked! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: My shock is continued! Utahraptor: It's MY choice, T-Rex! Utahraptor: So don't get all holier-than-thou on me! Maybe I just like the taste of nicotine! T-Rex: Maybe I'll just like the taste of BURYING YOUR ASS! T-Rex (punchline): You heard me!

a great way to justify things to yourself is to say, 'well, it's better than murdering people' (this works for everything except murdering people, for which you have to find something worse, like for instance making fan videos where you set buffy clips to pop songs from the 80s)

T-Rex: I guess I shouldn't freak out too much about people smoking. I'm not sure if it's my place... I'll try to be more "cool" about it! T-Rex: Plus, I don't want to become a big old sanctimonious bastard! T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus! How long have you been smoking? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, I only smoke once in a while, and only when I've been drinking. T-Rex: Wait- you DRINK?! T-Rex: Am I a prude? Am I out of touch with the youth of today? Utahraptor: Maybe a little! Utahraptor: Not to say that smoking is great, but I too only smoke the occasional cigarette when I've been drinking! There's worse things I could be doing, like murders! T-Rex: I - I just would prefer it if you'd consider quitting the habit! T-Rex: That's right! T-Rex (punchline): I said it!

God has the dirt on everyone, and also He likes to gossip

God: T-REX WHAT'S GOING ON T-Rex: Who said that?! God: IT'S ME GOD T-Rex: Oh yeah? Prove it! What am I going to do next? God: YOU'RE GOING TO STOMP ON A WOMAN AGAINST MY WISHES T-Rex: Ha! I'd like to see that! T-Rex: Oh my goodness! He was right! Utahraptor: Who was right? T-Rex: God!! T-Rex: God's talking to me and he can tell the FUTURE! God: HEY GUYS Utahraptor: Huh? I don't hear anything. Utahraptor: Maybe you're going CRAZY, T-Rex! God: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW HIS TIMES TABLES T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): No way!

'oh, i am so embarrassed...'

Narrator: [dark red] the DINOSAUR at the end of this comic Narrator: [dark blue] starring lovable, scaly old [green] T-REX T-Rex: Hello, everybodee! T-Rex: This is a very dull panel. What is on the next panel? T-Rex: [red] WHAT DID THAT SAY? [end red] Did that say there will be a dinosaur at the end of this comic? T-Rex: It did? Oh, I am so scared of dinosaurs!! T-Rex: Listen, I have an idea. If you do not read [dark red]any panels[end dark red], we will never get to the end of this comic. T-Rex: And that is good, because there is a [dark red] dinosaur [end dark red] at the end of this comic. T-Rex: [small] so please do not read the next panel. Utahraptor: [dark red] THEY READ THE PANEL! T-Rex: Maybe you do not understand! You do not know what you are [dark red] doing [end dark red] to me! T-Rex: I, T-Rex, am [dark red] begging [end dark red] you not to read the next panel! Utahraptor: The next panel is the [underline] end [end underline] of this comic, and there is a [dark red] DINOSAUR [end dark red] at the end of this comic! T-Rex: ['SCARED' is dark red, all 'PLEASE' are dark blue] Oh, I am so [dark red] SCARED! [end dark red] Please do not read the next panel. [dark blue] PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! T-Rex: Well, look at that! This is the end of the comic, and the only one here is [dark blue] ME! T-Rex: I, lovable, scaly old [green] T-Rex [end green] am the dinosaur at the end of this comic! T-Rex (punchline): And you were so scared! I [underline] told [end underline] you and [underline] told [end underline] you there was nothing to be afraid of!

as you can see in this remarkable relic from the early 21st century, disaster strikes

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH DISASTER STRIKES! T-Rex: Here is a list of things that I've burnt: T-Rex: • Toast! T-Rex: • My house! T-Rex: • Dinner! T-Rex: • My fingers! T-Rex: • RUBBER. Utahraptor: You're forgetting one! T-Rex: Which? Utahraptor: • Bridges? T-Rex: Oh, that's very funny, Utahrapt- Narrator: JUST AT THAT MOMENT, DISASTER STRIKES! T-Rex (punchline): [with red lines above his head] Look out behind you!!

a quiet portrait of life in the -650000th century (CE)

T-Rex: How can I possibly be late for my important meeting AGAIN? T-Rex: How is this even possible?! T-Rex: I got up early, I ate breakfast early, I showered early, and yet: I am late! Again! Still! T-Rex: Why I am always late for my very important meetings? T-Rex: I do not understand this! T-Rex: If there were an award for lateness, I would be the winner, two years in a row! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hello Utahraptor! How are you today? Utahraptor: I'm fine, fine! But it sounds like maybe you're a little late! T-Rex: Oh, ha ha! Don't worry about me! T-Rex (punchline): It's just something I have to take care of, you know?

cathy's last panel is text-heavy irony

T-Rex: Last night I built myself a machine... T-Rex: ... a time machine! T-Rex: This time machine is a watch, one that allows me to travel through time at the fantastic rate of one second per second! T-Rex: It will show me what tomorrow is like, tomorrow! T-Rex: (What a great adventure!) Utahraptor: That sounds like a pretty useless time machine! T-Rex: Hey! Utahraptor: Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time! T-Rex: What? Narrator: SUDDENLY, THIS COMIC'S PUNCHLINE, AND THAT OF THE SYNDICATED COMIC STRIP "CATHY", ARE SWITCHED! T-Rex (punchline): Ack!

not me

T-Rex: I'm going to write my autobiography! But rather than writing it myself, T-Rex: I'm going to get lots of other people to write it for me! Dromiceiomimus: Then, wouldn't that be a "biography"? T-Rex: I guess so. But different! Everybody I know gets to write one chapter, and they don't see what other people wrote until the book is published! Utahraptor: This sounds like fun, T-Rex! T-Rex: I think it will be, and flattering too! Utahraptor: Flattering? What if everyone writes the same complaint? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if we all say "He's good, but he smells funny on Tuesdays"? T-Rex: What? I don't smell funny on Tuesdays!! T-Rex (punchline): Who smells funny on a specific day of the week?

luuuuuuuuucy

Narrator: THE DAY OF RAGE T-Rex: All right! T-Rex: I'm pissed off, so everybody get out of my way! T-Rex: My rage brings destruction! T-Rex: My rage brings DEATH! Utahraptor: What the hell are you doing?! T-Rex: Today is my "day of rage". Utahraptor: I thought your "day of rage" was yesterday. T-Rex: Shoot, you're right! Oh man... T-Rex (punchline): I've got some 'splainin to do!

gaze upon my special effects, ye mighty, and despair

Narrator: THE UTAHRAPTOR IN: Narrator: THE MIND-CONTROL RAY T-Rex: Dear God! T-Rex: The Utahraptor's mind-control ray experiment: it finally succeeded! T-Rex: It gives him dominion over the minds of men, and his absolute power has corrupted him, absolutely! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, he's going around making people give him all their money! T-Rex: Somehow - SOMEHOW - we've got to stop him! The fate of the free world depends on it! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Give me all your money! T-Rex: NO! You'll never get away with this! [bright white ray with pink halo shoots from Utahraptor's hand] Utahraptor: Maybe this mind-control ray I've hidden in the palm of my hand will make you change your mind? T-Rex: I - T-Rex: ALL THE MONEY Narrator: LATER THE UTAHRAPTOR USES THE MIND-CONTROL RAY ON HIMSELF, AND BECOMES... A KINDER PERSON! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks for the cookies!

all we can do now is lick our wounds and OH GEEZ

T-Rex: There are a lot of problems in the world! Someone ought to do something. T-Rex: Wait a second! T-Rex: I'M someone!! T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, I'M going to do something about all the problems. Dromiceiomimus: Great attitude, T-Rex! And I'm sure people already working on problems will appreciate the help. Which problem(s) are you going to focus on? T-Rex: Uh... all of them? Utahraptor: Might help to focus on one or two of them. T-Rex: Of COURSE! Utahraptor - that's IT! T-Rex: There's BILLIONS of people alive right now, and surely - SURELY - there's not actually BILLIONS of problems. If everyone take one problem each and solve it, then it won't be a lick of work! And then we could have this licked lickety-split! Off panel: Great, I'll take solving the problem of world hunger! T-Rex: And I'll take our sudden overuse of lick-based idioms! It doesn't make a lick of sense, but I'm sure I can lick it into shape! T-Rex (punchline): OH NO, IT'S GETTING WORSE

man, it took me three weeks to get the beeps right

T-Rex: I've been practicing a little something in my spare time! T-Rex: Mime! [no text] T-Rex: Amazing, eh Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: What, that? What were you supposed to be miming? T-Rex: Driving a car! Uncanny, yes? Don't worry: there is no invisible car! Utahraptor: That's not what driving a car looks like! T-Rex: Oh yeah? You can do better? Utahraptor: Watch this! T-Rex: Oh, whatever! T-Rex: Whatever, man! T-Rex: That's nothing! You wanna see what driving a car REALLY looks like? T-Rex (punchline): beep beep

oh man, last night is so non-canon

T-Rex: I have received a stern letter from the "government"! They are angry because I didn't pay my "taxes" last year! Well, guess what, government? T-Rex: Last year is now officially non-canon! Narrator: T-REX IN: SOLVING PROBLEMS BY DECLARING PARTS OF YOUR LIFE TO BE NON-CANON T-Rex: I got the idea from TV! From now on, whenever something I don't like happens to me, I'll just declare it to be non-canon! Dromiceiomimus: Is this conversation canon? T-Rex: So far! Utahraptor: You can't apply ideas from FICTION to your own life! T-Rex: Sure I can! I just did! T-Rex: Remember that time I got beat up in Grade 2? Guess what? It's not canon anymore! And remember that time I lost a baby? Guess what? Utahraptor: It's not canon anymore? T-Rex: CORRECT! T-Rex: In summary, any event in which I was embarrassed is now non-canon! T-Rex: I've also retroconned my name to be "Mister Awesome", by the way! T-Rex (punchline): JEALOUS?

but - what if he did?

Narrator: IDENTITY THEORY COMICS T-Rex: The identity theory is that all states of the mind are identical to all states of the brain! T-Rex: This means that for every perception, every emotion, even for every thought that I have, there is a corresponding state in my brain to match! T-Rex: My sense of self itself is nothing more than the physical state of the chemicals and neurons in my stately skull! Utahraptor: Your theory has appeal, T-Rex! T-Rex: It does? Utahraptor: Sure! It seems rational, plus it gives us hope that we could design a computer with a consciousness and - dare I dream? - a soul! T-Rex: But it's not that simple! Utahraptor: Sure it is! If you're hung up about consciousness, consider it to be emergent behaviour! T-Rex (punchline): Dude, I don't even know what that is!!

maybe - maybe to go with the first one?

T-Rex: I've had a great idea! I'm going to convince one of my friends that I have a magical ring. But the catch is, the ring only works if you are pure of heart! T-Rex: So, this friend of mine will undergo a regime of self-improvement! T-Rex: However, when they finally have bettered themselves and are "pure of heart", they will realize that there was no magic ring: the magic was in them, all along! Dromiceiomimus: But - that doesn't really make sense. T-Rex: Sure it does! It's a magic ring! Narrator: LATER... Utahraptor: T-Rex, do you want to come over this evening to watch a movie? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: Actually, I was hoping I'd run into you. I have a MAGIC RING that I'd like to give to you! But the catch is, it only works if you are pure of heart. Utahraptor: Oh - thanks, but nevermind. I had one of those before, and it turns out the magic was in me, all along. T-Rex: Well, would- T-Rex (punchline): Would you like another?

woohoo

T-Rex: It's my favourite season: T-Rex: Spring! T-Rex: In spring you get flowers popping up, new fresh air, young lovers walking hand-in-hand... T-Rex: It's all very pretty! Utahraptor: Do I detect a note of melancholy in your voice? T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: It's just like - I wish I were part of that young couple walking hand-in-hand, you know? Utahraptor: I do! Sometimes, I feel like my youth is slipping away from me, like I should be doing more... T-Rex: Yeah... T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, who cares? It's spring!

he put them all in his mouth at once with both hands, and when the utahraptor came back and asked if he had something in his mouth he said 'mmm-muh' and shook his head

T-Rex: Yes, it's spring! Time to go for long walks in the springtime sun! T-Rex: It's extra nice, since today I have a full stomach! Life is good! T-Rex: Fancy meeting you here, Dromiceiomimus! Out for a walk in the springtime? Dromiceiomimus: I am, T-Rex, and you as well, I see! T-Rex: It is a popular pasttime on the first warm day of the year! Utahraptor: There you are, you jerk! You ate all my cookies last night! T-Rex: Ha ha, yep! Sure did! Utahraptor: I didn't invite you over to eat all my cookies, T-Rex! T-Rex: You went to the washroom and I was hungry! Let us just enjoy this fine day together! Utahraptor: I'm not going to enjoy it with you when you stole all my cookies, you scallywag! T-Rex: Whoah, hold up! T-Rex (punchline): "Scallywag"?

[whispering] you've hurt yourself, little girl! i'll kiss it better come closer

T-Rex: I've come across a way of making any otherwise-simple sentence sinister and creepy! The secret is simple: T-Rex: The secret is whispering! T-Rex: It works as follows: assume it's your birthday today, Dromiceiomimus. If I were to say, "Happy birthday, Dromiceiomimus!" that would sound normal, yes? Dromiceiomimus: Yes! T-Rex: But check out what happens if I whisper! T-Rex: [tiny] happy birthday dromiceiomimus Dromiceiomimus: Oh my goodness! Utahraptor: Ooh, do it on me! Pretend I got a new shirt or something! T-Rex: Okay, I'll try! T-Rex: [tiny] that shirt looks good on you, utahraptor T-Rex: [tiny] it looks good on your body Utahraptor: Oh wow! T-Rex (punchline): See? Creeeeepy!

little vaudeville hats

Narrator: RECIPE COMICS Narrator: today's recipe: Narrator: VEGETABLES FOR BACHELORS Narrator: CUT AND SAVE! T-Rex: Eating vegetables can be a pain for today's breed of young, cool, somehow single men! T-Rex: The trick, Dromiceiomimus, is NOT to make vegetables fun. Nothing makes vegetables fun except using them as weapons (carrot swords, etc). T-Rex: The TRICK is to put all the vegetables into one easy-to-make, delicious dish! Dromiceiomimus: How do you do it? T-Rex: Well, I'm glad you asked! Utahraptor: You chop up 2 potatoes, 2 tomatoes, and one onion, and throw them all in a pot! Utahraptor: Then you add about 3 cups of spinach and 1/2 cup of water, and maybe a few chopped-up chili peppers if you like your vegetables like you like your women (spicy). T-Rex and Utahraptor: Cover and cook over medium heat until the potatoes are soft! T-Rex: Awesome! Okay, once more, from the top! T-Rex (punchline): This is going to be the best talent show ever!

you can show this comic to chronic gamblers and they will PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "THE GAMBLER'S FALLACY" T-Rex: The gambler's fallacy is when one assumes that a deviation from what occurs in the long term... T-Rex: ... will be corrected in the short term! T-Rex: This is most often seen when people play games of chance. They'll assume that, say, since they've had such bad luck with rolls of the dice recently, they are somehow "due" for a good roll! T-Rex: However, in most cases things are independent. The result of the previous roll has no bearing on the current roll! Utahraptor: And just how is this a logical fallacy, T-Rex? It sounds more like basic probability! T-Rex: Well... Utahraptor: "Well..." T-Rex (punchline): Whatever!

i was so tempted to change the pictures, just to give them little starfleet uniforms

Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS Narrator: today's film: Narrator: STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN T-Rex: Oh man! T-Rex: Khaaaaaaaaan! T-Rex: Hah hah, OK. You are my son, David, and we are trying to locate the Genesis device, which has been stolen, and which has the awesome power to reshape worlds! T-Rex: I just hope my arch-nemesis, Khan, a genetically engineered superman from Earth's Eugenic Wars of the 1990s, doesn't show up! T-Rex: I stranded him on a planet years ago, and he never forgets a face! Utahraptor: To the last, I will grapple with thee! From hell's heart, I stab at thee! T-Rex: Khan! Utahraptor: That's right Kirk! And though I may think, tactically, in 2 dimensions, I can still destroy your precious Enterprise! T-Rex: Not if I disable your ship first! Utahraptor: Then I'll engage the Genesis device and blow us both out of the sky! T-Rex: Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead! T-Rex (punchline): Although I somehow feel as though we'll warp away just as Genesis goes off, and that Spock will die at the end (needs of the many)!

'fin' is french for 'the end' also there should be more comics where everybody dies

Narrator: HAVE YOU EVER FAKED IT DURING SEX COMICS T-Rex: No! T-Rex: Have you, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Yep. T-Rex: Yeah... T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: ...yeah, me too. Narrator: fin Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH EVERYBODY DIES Narrator: a prequel T-Rex: I say we kill all of them! Utahraptor: Seconded! T-Rex and Utahraptor: MOTION PASSES! T-Rex: Meeting adjourned! Narrator (punchline): NEXT: EVERYBODY DIES! :0

he wants her to think that she raised him right

T-Rex: I demand instant gratification! Narrator: SECONDS LATER... T-Rex: I'm not gratified! T-Rex: Maybe instant gratification isn't- T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! How long have you been standing there?! Dromiceiomimus: Long enough! Narrator: POSTSCRIPT: THE NEXT DAY Utahraptor: I'm T-Rex and I demand instant gratification! T-Rex: Those were my private thoughts! She had no right to tell you! Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! It's good gossip! T-Rex: Ha ha, I guess I was being kind of silly! T-Rex (punchline): Listen though, don't tell my mom, okay?

utahraptor's going to be pissed when he finds out t-rex had this whole conversation just for the sake of the pun

T-Rex: I've bought myself a new means of transportation! T-Rex: A bicycle! T-Rex: Do you want to go on a bike ride, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I don't have a bike! T-Rex: You can watch me! Dromiceiomimus: No thanks! Utahraptor: I'll go on a bike ride with you, T-Rex! T-Rex: Great! T-Rex: We can race! We'll ring our little bells as we zoom by pedestrains, making their hair swoosh in the direction of our travel! Utahraptor: This is one race you're going to lose, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh really? I think you might find you SPOKE too soon, my friend! T-Rex: That's a bicycle pun, by the way! T-Rex (punchline): (You can use it if you want!)

he gets a little goth at the end there

T-Rex: I've entered a poetry contest! T-Rex: I can't lose! T-Rex: Right, Dromiceiomimus? I'm a good poet, right? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! Although I've not heard much of your poetry! T-Rex: I can assure you that my poetry is great, Unlike our current department of state! Utahraptor: Your poetry sounds a little political, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's how I express myself! Utahraptor: But is this poetry contest for political poems or for, you know, poems about the sky and how magical it is to wake up in the morning? T-Rex: I can do both! Observe: T-Rex: I like the flowers and the sky, They light up my spirit and let it fly, They keep my happiness in high supply, T-Rex: Unlike our current political leadership! T-Rex (punchline): The End, by T-Rex, ps: my soul is chaos!

fists with nicknames would garner a lot of street cred: i'd estimate at LEAST 20 street credits

T-Rex: Spurred by an insatiable need to better myself, I have taken up a new sport! T-Rex: That sport, my friends, is fisticuffs! T-Rex: Do you think I would be good at fisticuffs, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: What is it? T-Rex: Boxing! The word is a seventeenth-century alliteration of 'fisty' (of the fists) and 'cuff'! Utahraptor: You haven't thought this through! You're just interested in fisticuffs because of the name! T-Rex: So? T-Rex: Cheerfully conceded! Utahraptor: Well, you know that you need bigger arms than yours to box with, right? You need arms like mine! T-Rex: What are you talking about? My arms are powerhouses! T-Rex: VESTIGIAL powerhouses! T-Rex: My fists are named "Knuckles" and "Chuckles", for your information! T-Rex (punchline): Spread it around, dig?

my parties are more cautionary parables

T-Rex: Okay, so here's the plan! I send cards to all my friends giving them the first clue on a treasure hunt! T-Rex: Then, they go on the treasure hunt! T-Rex: Each clue leads them to a further clue in a new location, sending them on an across-town adventure! T-Rex: The final clue leads them to my house, where they find not only a party with potato chips and barbequed corn, but also the moral that the REAL treasure is friendship! T-Rex: (I like all my parties to have morals at the end!) T-Rex: Oh boy, this treasure hunt which I have just explained in detail including the twist at the end will be great! Utahraptor: Agreed! Utahraptor: And since the Dromiceiomimus and I already know what's going on, we can help! We should make it a block party, and invite everyone! T-Rex: Yeah, like in the fifties! Everybody was neighbourly in the fifties! T-Rex: And all the men wore hats while the women baked pies! Sure, we had the stability we craved after the turmoil of WWII, but - T-Rex (punchline): - at what cost? Repression both sexual and sociological left lasting scars, leading in many ways to the cultural self-doubt of the 60s but who cares, we've got to plan this party!

backstory: in the past t-rex has had parties ruined by god, which led to embarrassment with the ladies.

T-Rex: Okay, so I've laid out all the clues around town, and I've got the party and barbeque all set up! T-Rex: I think we're good to go! T-Rex: Is everything ready, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! I made drinks and set up lawn chairs and even a croquet set! T-Rex: Excellent! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Not even GOD HIMSELF can wreck this party now! Utahraptor: Bad news, T-Rex: we don't have any cups! T-Rex: The party! It's ruined! T-Rex: Wait, did you check in the cupboard above the fridge? I usually keep some cups there. Utahraptor: Oh, no, I didn't check there. Hold on a second. Off panel: Yep, here they are! T-Rex: Ha ha! Super! T-Rex (punchline): For a second there I was worried that GOD HIMSELF had wrecked our party, but nope! NOT THIS TIME, ladies!

ANYWAY I WAS JUST TRYING OUT SOMETHING NEW

Off panel: Great party, T-Rex! Hey, do you have any more chips? T-Rex: Sorry guys, those were the last! God: HEY I BROUGHT SOME POTATO CHIPS T-REX T-Rex: God! You came! God: THAT'S RIGHT SORRY I'M LATE BUT THESE ARE SOME GOOD CHIPS God: CHICKEN FLAVOUR T-Rex: Classy! Glad you could make it! Dromiceiomimus: Who are you talking to, T-Rex? T-Rex: God! But it seems that AS USUAL only I can hear Him! God: SORRY ABOUT THAT BUT I'VE GOT A GREAT JOKE FOR YOU TO TELL Utahraptor: Got any new jokes, T-Rex? T-Rex: Y-Yes? God: THIS'LL BE GREAT TELL HIM A SKELETON WENT INTO A BAR AND ORDERED A BEER AND A MOP T-Rex: Utahraptor, a skeleton went into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop! Utahraptor: To clean up the beer; yeah, I get it. That's not a very good joke, T-Rex! God: SORRY IT'S NORMALLY BETTER THAN THAT God: I WAS JUST TRYING OUT SOMETHING NEW T-Rex (punchline): Dude, try it out somewhere else!

the utahraptor knows enough to walk away right there

T-Rex: Yes, my friends, I would have to confess: T-Rex: Last night was the best party ever! T-Rex: Wouldn't you agree, Dromiceiomimus? You seemed to be having a great time at the party last night! Dromiceiomimus: Yes, it was quite a corker! T-Rex: A "corker"? What does THAT mean? Dromiceiomimus: It's old slang! It means something was really good! Narrator: LATER... Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, I left some music at your house! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I listened to a bit of it: one album was quite the "corker"! Utahraptor: Glad you liked it! T-Rex: I did! In fact, I thought ALL the music you brought over were corkers! Utahraptor: Great! T-Rex: "Corker" means something is really good! Off panel: I know! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Imagine if we were at a vineyard?

i feel compelled to mention that it's less cute if mammals make an equivalent card

T-Rex: Yesterday was a very special day for many people! T-Rex: Yesterday was Mother's Day! T-Rex: Did you give your mom some flowers for Mother's Day, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I had some delivered! T-Rex: Excellent! And, attached to the flowers, a note? Dromiceiomimus: You know it, baby! Utahraptor: What about you, T-Rex? What did you do for YOUR mother? T-Rex: Lots! T-Rex: I got her some seeds (she likes to garden) and some chocolate (she likes chocolate) and a card I made with a drawing of me hatching from my egg! Utahraptor: Aww! That's cute! T-Rex: Yeah, but when you open it, it's actually a robot version of me, and I'm shooting red lasers from my eyes that spell out "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY"! T-Rex (punchline): (Mom said it was "very creative"!)

he turns his head away a little during 'curiosity' and then snaps it back for 'SATISFIED!!'

T-Rex: You know what's the best thing ever? T-Rex: The word "bicurious"! T-Rex: It's funny when people use it, because how long can you be bicurious? You don't sit around all day saying, "Hmmm... I wonder what will happen!" - you look it up on the Internet, or you go out, meet someone in the gender you're interested in, and then afterwards roll over and say, "Curiosity satisfied!" T-Rex: Then it's high fives all around! T-Rex: You could say it like, "Curiosity: SATISFIED!" Utahraptor: Talking up the word bicurious again? T-Rex: It's a great word! Utahraptor: For someone who says he isn't "bicurious" you sure spend a lot of time talking about it! T-Rex: I almost wish I was bicurious, just so I could say, "Curiosity satisfied!" T-Rex: I'd say it like, T-Rex (punchline): "Curiosity... SATISFIED!!"

'bicurious teens don't need to advertise'

T-Rex: "Bicurious"! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex: I can't get enough! T-Rex: The sad thing is that the word is rarely used sincerely anymore - the only place you see it is in those sleazy newspapers with back-page advertisements for "bicurious teens!". Bicurious teens don't need to advertise! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, or like, "single bicurious lesbians". T-Rex: Holy shit! Single bicurious lesbians!! Utahraptor: Damn it T-Rex, you're obsessed! You want your "bicuriosity" satisfied?! We'll satisfy it right now! T-Rex: [small] oh hey utahr- T-Rex: Wh- T-Rex: Did you just squeeze my bum? Utahraptor: There! It's done! Now you can stop talking about your damn bicuriosity: it's satisfied! T-Rex: "Bicuriosity: satisfied"? More like, "Bicuriosity: disappointed by a fumbling and frankly clumsy grope!" T-Rex: That's right, my friend! T-Rex (punchline): CLUMSY

originally the t-rex was going to travel back to 4 years ago to have that affair he could never remember, and it would tie the whole comic together, but then it was like, dude, you're just writing a sexy dinosaur version of 'babylon squared'

Narrator: AN ADVENTURE THROUGH TIME T-Rex: Oh boy! Today is a good day I think for an adventure through time! T-Rex: So long, Dromiceiomimus! I'm about to travel back to the age of di- back to long ago! Dromiceiomimus: So long T-Rex! I hope you don't become your own grandfather! Utahraptor: Ooh, can I come along on the adventure through time? Please? T-Rex: Well... okay! T-Rex: But you have to promise to let ME choose the time period, and you're not allowed to try to set things up so you become king, alright? Utahraptor: Sure! Fine! T-Rex: Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, "I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!" T-Rex: Your current mood was 'kingly'! T-Rex (punchline): I thought to myself, "T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!"

he only wanted to be a king

T-Rex: Who knew that designing a functional time machine was so difficult? T-Rex: Not me: that's for darn sure! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, T-Rex! Back from your adventure through time? T-Rex: NO! It's freaking impossible to build a time machine! My enthusiasm yesterday was clearly UNWARRANTED. Utahraptor: But T-Rex, you really got my hopes up! T-Rex: I know and I'm sorry! T-Rex: But you're the skeptical one! You should have realized I couldn't invent a time machine overnight! Utahraptor: I guess I just got swept up in the enthusiasm. Utahraptor: Ah well. Narrator: T-REX HAS A MOMENT OF EMPATHY: T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aww!

you strap yourself in and you've got like lasers and machine guns for hands and when you walk it goes CHOOM CHOOM

T-Rex: Alright, so I'd like to build a time machine for the Utahraptor so he'll feel better, but building one is clearly way too hard! T-Rex: Clearly way WAY too hard! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, what if time travel is not just hard, but impossible? If time travel is possible, where are all the tourists from the future? T-Rex: B-busy? T-Rex: Maybe they're wearing their invisibility suits! T-Rex: Or MAYBE all my friends are tourists from the future, sent to observe me! Utahraptor: Good morning, T-Rex! T-Rex: Good morning! Say, if you were sent from the future to observe me, you'd let me know, right? Utahraptor: I wouldn't be allowed to. But, I would get drunk once, and start asking you why it's taking you guys so long to come up with flying cars and robot suits. T-Rex: Robot suits? Off panel: Yeah, they're like these giant robot suits that you can strap yourself into and - T-Rex (punchline): You're crazy!

yes, early nineties tv theme songs, here at qwantz.com

T-Rex: Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute - just sit right there - T-Rex: I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air! T-Rex: In West Philadelphia, born and raised: on the playground was where I spent most of my days! Chilling out, maxin', relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school, when a couple of guys (they were up to no good) started making trouble in my neighbourhood! I got in ONE LITTLE FIGHT and my mom got scared, and said Dromiceiomimus: You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air! T-Rex: I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror! Utahraptor: T-Rex? T-Rex: [tiny] ssh! T-Rex: If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it: yo home, to Bel-Air!" Utahraptor: You Utahraptor: pulled Utahraptor: up to a house about seven or eight and you yelled to the cabbie, "Yo homes, smell you later!"? T-Rex: Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Awesome! Okay, what was it you wanted to talk about?

HA HA little does he know

T-Rex: Fares are not guaranteed until paid in full and tickets issued. T-Rex: Check restrictions: tickets may be non-refundable! T-Rex: We recommend that sufficient insurance be purchased to cover all of your travel requirements. T-Rex: Tickets are not transferable. No one else can travel with this ticket. T-Rex: No refunds are permitted on this fare. Utahraptor: What are you talking about, T-Rex? T-Rex: I'm explaining the rules of travel! T-Rex: Well, the rules of travel for the particular set of tickets I bought. Rerouting is not permitted! Utahraptor: But the number of people who would be interested in this is small, is it not? Small enough to be limited entirely to yourself? T-Rex: You act as if the purpose of my life is to entertain others! T-Rex (punchline): Any changes to dates are subject to availability.

it would sound like *puff* *puff* aaaaAAAARRRRGHGGHGGGGHHHHHH *POP!*

T-Rex: You know what's funny? T-Rex: Death! T-Rex: Hah hah! Cause you're just walking along, and then it's "Whoops! I'm DEAD!" T-Rex: Eh, Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: "Whoops!" Utahraptor: That's not funny, T-Rex! It's tragic! T-Rex: What, death? Utahraptor: Yes, death! Would you find it so funny if you died? T-Rex: Well, my friend: that depends. Did I die in a funny way? For instance, did I smoke a cigarette, and then my eyes exploded? T-Rex: Hah hah! The dangers of smoking! T-Rex (punchline): Seriously though, you should quit.

upon consideration, this is like me saying 'we walk around fully clothed! observe!' and then walking around fully clothed, which is cool since i do that anyway

T-Rex: What's for dinner tonight, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well T-Rex, I don't know! T-Rex: What would you like, T-Rex? T-Rex: I always choose what's for dinner, T-Rex! You decide tonight. Dromiceiomimus: ? T-Rex: Hmm... in that case, T-Rex, let's have nachos tonight! It'll be fun! Utahraptor: My friend, I'm afraid you've gone insane! You're coo-coo crazy! T-Rex: Why's that? Utahraptor: You're talking to yourself like you are two different people, and it is a societal norm that people who do that are insane. T-Rex: Don't talk to me about societal norms! We walk around naked! T-Rex (punchline): Observe!

that's not really what you want to hear your band founder say but shoot, sign me up!

T-Rex: Okay, so who wants to join my bluegrass band? T-Rex: I have decided that I am starting a bluegrass band! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you know how to play any bluegrass instruments? Do you know how to play the banjo, or fiddle, or a mandola? Dromiceiomimus: I do not! T-Rex: Then I am sorry but you cannot be in my bluegrass band! Utahraptor: What is your bluegrass band called and what instrument do you play, T-Rex? T-Rex: The band is called "Burned Bluegrass" and I play the lyrics! Utahraptor: You mean you sing the lyrics. T-Rex: Yes. I will be honest with you: I am new to this "band" thing. T-Rex: However, I do know what I like! At present, I like the idea of starting a bluegrass band. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

for someone who does like his vegetables, i sure make a lot of anti-vegetable comics

T-Rex: I certainly didn't sneak into the Utahraptor's house and eat his food again, that's for darn sure! T-Rex: [thinks] Blaming others removes suspicion from myself! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, are those crumbs on your chin? Did you sneak into the Utahraptors house and eat his food? Dromiceiomimus: No and no! I, unlike YOU, never do stuff like that! T-Rex: I don't know... seems to me like maybe you did! Utahraptor: Stop eating my food, damn it! You have the ability to go find your own nourishment! T-Rex: Who, me? Utahraptor: Yes, you, T-REX. Somebody's eaten my food and whenever that happens it's always you. Utahraptor: I can tell because all the cookies are gone, but you left behind anything with vegetables in it! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Yep!

the particulars are still being worked out, you understand

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS T-Rex: Dinosaurs were giant ferocious lizards! T-Rex: They were a constant threat to everyone around them! They were known to destroy human property with impunity! T-Rex: Dinosaurs were also known to destroy human LIFE with impunity! Utahraptor: I notice you're using the past tense! T-Rex: Yes indeed. I'm experimenting with it. Utahraptor: You're experimenting with using inappropriate verb tenses. T-Rex: Yes, well- It seemed like a good idea at the time! T-Rex: Or should I say, it will have been seeming like a good idea at the time? T-Rex (punchline): Perhaps not!

i would advise you to check it sitting down, my friend!

T-Rex: Hey, I wonder if I got any emails while I was out? T-Rex: Oh boy! Emails! Narrator: BACK AT HOME: T-Rex: What? No emails?! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, how come you never send me any emails? Dromiceiomimus: I see you in person often enough! What do you want emails for? T-Rex: I want emails! Utahraptor: You'd get more emails if you sent more out! T-Rex: But I already do! T-Rex: I sent you four surveys AND an email where if I forwarded it, some charity would get 3 cents AND a list I found of reasons why T-Rexes are better than Utahraptors (green is the new black!) Utahraptor: Man, I don't need that sort of stuff in my mailbox! I meant REAL emails. T-Rex: Do you mean to imply that T-Rexes are not better than Utahraptors? T-Rex (punchline): Because if so, I would advise you to check your email!

a comic in which a t-rex feels a little uncomfortable

T-Rex: So the Rajasaurus down the street and I went out for dinner last night. It was great! T-Rex: It was an opportunity for me to showcase my sparkling wit! T-Rex: For instance: she mentioned how even though she had been raised outside of the Indian subcontinent by non-traditional parents, she still really liked Indian food. T-Rex: I put down my fork and said that was good, since anything she ate would be, by definition, Indian food! T-Rex: (She's Indian!) Utahraptor: That's pretty clever, my friend! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: Since she's an Indian dinosaur, she can't help but have anything she eats become Indian food! T-Rex: That's the joke I made! Utahraptor: Clever! T-Rex: Thanks! Utahraptor: I mean it, that's really clever! T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): Okay!

one must always be aware of potential for ironic disaster in one's own life

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: SPIDER-MAN T-Rex: I'm Midtown High's only professional wallflower! T-Rex: Oh boy, a science demonstration! What's this, a spider? Narrator: ONE SPIDER BITE LATER... Dromiceiomimus: Outta my way, kid! I'm a thief fleeing from a crime I just committed! T-Rex: Ha ha, that's OK! While I HAVE recently gained the proportional speed and strength of a spider, not to mention my keen "spider sense", from now on I just look out for "Number One" - that means... ME! Utahraptor: What's with you, mister?! All you hadda do was hold him just for a minute! T-Rex: Save your breath, buddy! T-Rex: I've got things to do! Utahraptor: Okay, but with great power comes great responsibility! T-Rex: Oh, I'm sure I'll learn that in time! For instance, if that thief went on to kill my Uncle Ben, then that moral would certai- T-Rex (punchline): [small] - would certainly present itself...

whoah t-rex flips out a little there in the second panel! i hope everything's alright!

Off panel: What's the matter, T-Rex? You look down! T-Rex: I'm just fine! Off panel: You look a little down! T-Rex: I said, "I'm fine!" Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: ... and so the REASON I 'look a little down' is that suddenly everybody's talking about me and acting so concerned for my feelings! It's unnerving and it makes me mad! Dromiceiomimus: Mad enough to stomp on a house? T-Rex: I do that anyway; you know that! Utahraptor: Hey, I heard you were pissed off! T-Rex: You heard right, my friend! Utahraptor: Do you want to talk about it? T-Rex: Talking about it is what's made me angry! T-Rex (punchline): So, no!

haha OUCH for homecare!

Narrator: COMICS ABOUT HOMECARE T-Rex: Homecare is when doctors or nurses visit you in your own home! T-Rex: While some feel this leads to better care and increased comfort for patients... T-Rex: ... others feel it places an unnecessary strain on our already-burdened hospitals and health care system! Utahraptor: What's your opinion on the issue, T-Rex? T-Rex: I have none! T-Rex: I feel as though I haven't considered enough information in order to form a defensible point of view! Utahraptor: Really! That's quite restrained of you. Narrator: BUT... WHAT IF THE T-REX HADN'T BEEN SO RESTRAINED? T-Rex (punchline): FUCK homecare!

it's a cycadeoid festival!

T-Rex: I note that it is certainly windy out today. T-Rex: Holy cow! We should go fly kites! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, want to go fly a kite with me? Dromiceiomimus: I don't have a kite! T-Rex: We'll make them! All we need are some sticks, fabric, string, ingenuity! Utahraptor: I have ample kite-making experience! T-Rex: You do? T-Rex: Wow. You know, you never cease to surprise me, my friend. I thought I was breaking new ground by having an interest in kites, but here it turns out you have ample experience! Utahraptor: The interest dates back to my childhood! [T-Rex is flying a kite]

The garden I remember still: a spectacle of flowers and plants, a quiet vision of beauty garnished with just a hint of wonderment, birds hopping from tree to tree, alive in their enthusiasm...

T-Rex: I've planted a garden around my house, and it is very pretty! T-Rex: Best garden ever, if I do say so myself! T-Rex: Do you have a garden, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Yes I do, T-Rex! T-Rex: Is it nice, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: It's very nice, thank you, T-Rex! T-Rex: Glad to hear it, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: There you are! I need my gardening shovel back. T-Rex: Aww, you wrecked it! Utahraptor: Wrecked what? T-Rex: We were playing a game! You were SUPPOSED to say my name at the end of each sentence. Utahraptor: That's a stupid game. T-Rex: [narrates] Two days later, I would come to realise the truth of his words. T-Rex (punchline): [large] !

wow i thought he was setting himself up for a fall but looks like not!

T-Rex: "L'esprit d'escalier" means, literally, "the wit of the staircase"! T-Rex: (It's French!) T-Rex: It refers to when you think of a witty comeback too late, and you've already left the room! T-Rex: Of course, this idea is largely alien to ME, as I'm never at a loss for a witty riposte! T-Rex: However, it seems for others, thinking of the perfect comeback hours, or even days later, is a more-than-rare occurrence. Utahraptor: You've got a pretty high opinion of your wit, T-Rex! T-Rex: As usual! Utahraptor: Yes, as usual. What if I made a stinging insult in your direction - would you be able to come up with the perfect rejoinder? T-Rex: I would! Utahraptor: Well then! How are you going to answer... THIS! Narrator: SHORTLY: Off panel: Good one! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks!

alternate punchline: god: HEY MAN WHERE'S MY TEMPLE t-rex: I told you! Nowhere! god: SUCKS

Narrator: T-REX IN: "A CONTRACT WITH GOD" God: T-REX LET'S MAKE A DEAL T-Rex: Sure thing, dude! God: OKAY SO HERE'S THE DEAL God: BUILD ME A TEMPLE T-Rex: Oh-kay! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: Damn it, it's too hard to find temple building materials! Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: Ah, forget it! I was going to build a temple for God, but it's too hard. I will simply VIOLATE our VERBAL CONTRACT. Utahraptor: I have no idea what you're talking about! God: I HEARD THAT YOU KNOW T-Rex (punchline): Whoops!

screw em!

T-Rex: I had some companions over to my new house last night and gave them a tour! It was a smashing success, except for one thing: T-Rex: Some of them thought that my rooms "lacked identity"! T-Rex: When I (politely) pressed them to explain, they said that while the rooms were decorated nicely, they were decorated generically and had little to offer that was unique to me. Dromiceiomimus: How did this make you feel? T-Rex: A little miffed, a little peeved: a little upset! Utahraptor: Well, what do your rooms look like? T-Rex: You haven't seen them? Utahraptor: No: you haven't invited me over since you got your new place. T-Rex: Well, do you want to come over now? Utahraptor: To see generic rooms? No thanks! Narrator: BACK AT HOME... T-Rex (punchline): I like the white!

my proudest achievement!

Narrator: COMICS WITH NON-TWIST ENDINGS T-Rex: I declare this day to be "stomp on houses" day! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Whoooo! Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS WITH TWISTS AND TURNS! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey there! Utahraptor: Listen, I was wondering if you- Narrator: HOLD ON TIGHT! Utahraptor: Um, listen, I- Narrator: SUDDENLY! Utahraptor: ... so, um, I was wondering if- Narrator: JUST THEN! Narrator: THE END! T-Rex (punchline): I can't hear you!

i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

T-Rex: I have been wondering what it would be like if people could "save" and "restore" their life, just like in a computer game. T-Rex: Things would be different! T-Rex: I predict every guy would, when he has his first sweetie break up with him, spend YEARS restoring to an earlier point, trying to find a way to get it to work! T-Rex: Additionally, I would use this power to save my game, tell people off, and then restore! T-Rex: The only problem is everyone would always (eventually) have the perfect comeback! Utahraptor: But we'd be stuck in a certain time period, because people would never die! T-Rex: Sure they would! T-Rex: You know how sometimes you save at a bad point and it's half a second before you're going to die, and you keep restoring, but there's nothing you can do? Utahraptor: Sure... T-Rex: Well, I guess you could just restore to an earlier save point. T-Rex (punchline): I have failed to prove my point!

all the great actors ask if it was okay after a shot

T-Rex: Okay - um, okay! T-Rex: "I-I've been awakened by nuclear testing!" um T-Rex: "Rawr!" T-Rex: "Oh boy, I see in the distance a villag- CITY that I can destroy!" T-Rex: "Look out humanity! For I embody... um... Off panel: [small] Post-war nuclear paranoia! T-Rex: Right, right! "LOOK OUT, humanity! I embody post-war nuclear paranoia!" T-Rex: [small] Was that okay? Utahraptor: Cut! Cut, cut, cut! T-Rex: What? That was perfect! Utahraptor: It was awful! Look, I know you're trying your best, and you're my friend, T-Rex, but you didn't even memorize your lines! T-Rex: I did! Utahraptor: You didn't! Look, it's my movie, and I'm going to put the Dromiceiomimus in the lead. T-Rex (punchline): WHAT

this just in: cephalopods damn freaky

Narrator: A CASE OF CUTTLEFISH T-Rex: I believe I shall take a brief repose to calm my agitated nerves! T-Rex: Ah, 'tis something soothing to discover yourself engaged in something you very much enjoy. T-Rex: Stomping for me is one such pass-time! Utahraptor: Good sir! I pray that you stop! T-Rex: What knavery? Utahraptor: I ask only for your attention, for my sister is deathly ill with the cholera! T-Rex: Why, we dined together just a fortnight ago, did we not? T-Rex: I remember it well; I had a disappointing dish of cuttlefish! T-Rex (punchline): Do you not recall how I remarked upon my disappointment?

a grim vision into a world where life-sized cardboard cutouts of yourself can be made on demand!

Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE LIFE-SIZED CARDBOARD CUTOUT" T-Rex: It's the perfect plan! T-Rex: And so simple! T-Rex: whenever I don't want to face my problems, I'll send, in my stead, a cardboard cutout of myself! T-Rex: Ideally, he'll have an intense, yet thoughtful expression on his face. People will say, "Oh, I'd better just leave T-Rex alone: he's intense yet thoughtful!". Utahraptor: And you believe people will fall for this, no doubt! T-Rex: I do! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Oh, that's clearly a cardboard cutout. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: See, that's clearly you standing very still as IF you were a cardboard cutout. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] just a little closer...

mostly a blessing

Narrator: "CREDIT CARD FRAUD" T-Rex: Credit card fraud is a growing problem in today's society! T-Rex: I believe the fault of this lies in the inherent design flaws of the credit card system. If I give a credit card to someone, that should authorize one purchase, for a specific amount, at that specific time! Instead, knowing someone's credit card information allows you to make charges to it for any amount, at any time, all over the world! Utahraptor: This certainly is a lot of talk about credit cards! Aren't there any more pressing issues, T-Rex? T-Rex: Like what? Utahraptor: Oh, like, I don't know... WORLD HUNGER? T-Rex: But I don't know how to solve that problem! I do have opinions about the broken credit card infrastructure, however. T-Rex (punchline): It's my blessing and my curse!

listen: the robert service poem should be read in a slow, growly voice.

Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Morley Callaghan. Text: It is true that as a dinosaur, the T-Rex should have been inclined toward gnashing his ferocious jaws and making claws of his little hands, but he had been stomping things for so long that no one remembered a time when he had gnashed instead of stomped. Text: Inside, he wanted to gnash, but he doubted himself. He knew that he could stomp. He was not sure he could gnash. Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Robert Service. Text: Well it was long ago, on some grim plateau, When this story first was told, About a land in fear made more severe By a terrible threat of old. Text: And though the men were brave, the risks were grave In these misty days of yore; None could ever be safe, in this ancient place, From the threat of Dinosaur. Text: Now the dinosaurs had their fearsome roars, But they had their friendships, too; And while they stalked they often talked, And debated what was true. Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Kurt Vonnegut. Text (punchline): Dinosaurs were giant reptiles that lived long ago. They looked like this:

i've been led to understand it's cool, anyway

Narrator: THINGS IT IS COOL TO DO T-Rex: Two chicks at once! T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you think it's cool to do two chicks at once? Dromiceiomimus: I object to the word "chicks"! Change it to "women". T-Rex: Okay, it's cool to do two women at once! Utahraptor: I object to the fact that this includes chicks, but excludes dudes! T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: It's cool to do two non-gender-identified people at once. Utahraptor: That's super cool! T-Rex: Then we're agreed! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Hey ladies!

too bad for them!

T-Rex: Historically speaking, all I know are broad stereotypes! For instance, most people in the middle ages all wore dumpy clothes and spent all day hoeing. T-Rex: Now, I know that can't be accurate! T-Rex: What I need is some cultural context, but it seems like most of that is lost. What was it like living as a teenager 40 years ago? I have no idea! And anyone who did know has now grown up, so they don't REALLY know either, on account of memories altering over time. T-Rex: So much information is lost! Utahraptor: Its the beauty of life, T-Rex! You can't really know anyone, even in the present, except for yourself! T-Rex: And that's beautiful? Utahraptor: Well, it might as well be, since it's all we've got. T-Rex: Hmm, I guess this is why people keep diaries: to fight against this inexorable loss! T-Rex (punchline): Too bad they lose!

i cut out the part where he accidently tripped into one of his prototype engines and the two merged into a new lifeform

Narrator: A BRIEF HISTORY OF CHARLES BABBAGE AND HIS WONDERFUL CALCULATING ENGINES COMICS T-Rex: Charles Babbage spent a lot of his time working on mechanical calculating engines! T-Rex: These were machines that could add and subtract, and later multiply and divide (through repeated addition and subtraction), forecasting in many ways the design of modern-day computers! T-Rex: Unfortunately the machines, with thousands of tiny gears and cogs, were too complex, beyond his means to fully manufacture at the time (early 1800s). T-Rex: While some see Babbage as the father of modern computers, he had little actual influence! Utahraptor: Yes, quite right! Utahraptor: This is because many of the innovations in his Analytical Engine, such as conditional branching and a separation of processing and memory, were left to be re-discovered by a new generation of pioneers! T-Rex: Indeed! T-Rex (punchline): This concludes the brief history of Charles Babbage and his wonderful calculating engines!

now just in case someone ever says self improvement is a trivia contest you can be all, nuh-uh

T-Rex: It's time to make some changes around here! Some things have been allowed to slide for too long! Narrator: T-REX IN: Narrator: "IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE" T-Rex: But rather than point out the failings of others, I will first endeavour to improve myself! Narrator: A WEEK LATER... Utahraptor: Hey! Where have you been all week? T-Rex: Off improving myself! Utahraptor: Really! So I'm talking to the new improved T-Rex? T-Rex: Yep! Ask me anything. Utahraptor: Y-You don't- Utahraptor: Self improvement isn't a trivia contest, T-Rex! Narrator: WHAT IF... SELF IMPROVEMENT REALLY WAS A TRIVIA CONTEST? T-Rex: Brussels! Off panel: Incorrect! T-Rex (punchline): This contest doesn't even make sense in the first place.

i like how he emphasises 'sexual', just because he can

T-Rex: Sexual ambiguity! T-Rex: What's it all about? T-Rex: I mean - T-Rex: Am I right? Utahraptor: You seem a little less persuasive than usual! T-Rex: Hmm! Utahraptor: Perhaps it's because instead of arguing a point, you're simply asking us if you're right? T-Rex: Well - come on! T-Rex: SEXUAL ambiguity! T-Rex (punchline): What's it all about?

god's just checking in

God: T-REX IT'S BEEN A WHILE T-Rex: God! How's it going? God: OH YOU KNOW SAME OLD SAME OLD T-Rex: Good to hear it! God: YEAH IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE OKAY WITH YOU TOO T-Rex: Yep! Things are pretty okay! T-Rex: So, um, any particular reason why we're talking? God: YOU KNOW JUST CHECKING IN WITH MY MAIN MAN Utahraptor: Somebody stole my bike, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh no! God: DON'T WORRY GUYS I'M ON THE CASE T-Rex: Don't worry! God and I will help look for your bike! Utahraptor: Well, with God on the case, it will be returned for sure! One giant hand reaching down from the sky, with bike, coming up! God: TELL HIM I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE T-Rex: He doesn't do that anymore! God (punchline): MY HAND GETS SORE

t-rex evidently thinks it's also the ultimate date movie

T-Rex: I have an idea for the ULTIMATE disaster movie: basically, what happens is the Earth stops dead in its orbit one day, and everybody flies into a wall! T-Rex: (Or, if they're outside, into the sky!) T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex: Best movie ever! T-Rex: So it'd be told in a series of shorts: each short starts a little before everybody flies into a wall, and ends with everybody flying into a wall. T-Rex: It would be SO GOOD! You start out small: regular people, a fat guy at a buffet, building up to a parking lot full of cars tumbling into the sky, the star quarterback kicking the ball and then he, and everybody else in the game, flying up after it. Utahraptor: Your movie sounds awesome! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: But wouldn't it get a little repetitive? T-Rex: No way! The viewers would know what's going on after the first few shorts, so you play off those expectations. Like, there's this shot of a really elaborate wedding, and the audience is all, "Oh man, all those people are going to fly into a wall SO HARD!". Utahraptor: And? T-Rex: And then we cut to years afterwards, when they're old and stooped, holding hands out on the porch, and THEN the Earth stops in its orbit and they fly off together into the sky! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Two tickets, please!