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JUST TRYING TO GET INVOLVED IN THE CONVERSATION

T-Rex: Someone at my house finished off a bag of milk, and then put it back in the fridge without replacing it with a new bag! T-Rex: That's so annoying! T-Rex: Also, it's very confusing since I live alone! T-Rex: What do you think, Dromiceiomimus? Am I going crazy? Am I finishing off the milk and then COMPLETELY FORGETTING ABOUT IT? Dromiceiomimus: It seems unlikely! T-Rex: What else could it be? Is someone breaking into my house just to drink my milk? I don't really mind, I guess - I'd just like to know. Utahraptor: How come these things always happen to you? T-Rex: It's not my fault! Utahraptor: Well, I'm just pointing out that across all these wacky situations, you're the one element of continuity. T-Rex: Why would I screw myself over by not putting a new bag of milk back? That's crazy! God: I USUALLY DON'T PUT A NEW BAG BACK EITHER T-Rex: Was it you?! God: NO JUST- God (punchline): VOLUNTEERING INFORMATION

i totally dated a med student once! pretty hot!

T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! T-Rex: I know secrets! T-Rex: SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! Narrator: T-REX IN: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION Dromiceiomimus: Oh, is this one of those dumb Conspiracy Secrets, wherein fluoride is actually designed to induce pregnancy in freshly married women or something? T-Rex: What? T-Rex: [thinks] Huh? Utahraptor: So what's the secret? T-Rex: Oh right! Well, the secret is that when doctors and nurses are "taking your pulse", they're NOT actually doing that! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Really! They're actually discreetly observing your breathing. They do it on the sly because if you're aware of it, it changes! Off panel: Aw man, way to ruin me for any doctor! Now I might have a respiratory problem and I'LL NEVER KNOW. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

chicks dig a guy who eats more than he intends

T-Rex: Oh man, I ate too much last night. T-Rex: Ooooh man! T-Rex: I had SO much food, Dromiceiomimus. I thought I'd be smart and cook enough food for lunch the next day, but then I ate it all. Dromiceiomimus: G-great? T-Rex: Ooooh man! Utahraptor: Hey, here's a friendly tip: you shouldn't try to impress women by bragging about how much you can eat! T-Rex: Dude! I wasn’t trying to IMPRESS her; I was just relaying an amusing anecdote from my own recent history! Utahraptor: Amusing? T-Rex: Yeah, I ate a lot! T-Rex: Ha ha! Narrator: YEARS LATER, A PARTY: T-Rex: So I thought I'd cook enough for the next day as well! Off panel: I'm not impressed! T-Rex (punchline): Not YET! But, allow me to continue...

cause it's been a dream since grade three!

Narrator: "FIFTY-TWO MOVIES IN FIFTY-TWO DAYS" T-Rex: I challenge myself to watch fifty-two movies in fifty-two days! Narrator: FIFTY-TWO DAYS LATER: T-Rex: Some of them were pretty okay, I guess. T-Rex: *sigh* Utahraptor: Hey, YOU look like you're feeling a little disillusioned about film! T-Rex: Good eye! T-Rex: I am, a little! It wasn't the point of my experiment, but holy, there are SO MANY BAD MOVIES. Utahraptor: There's so many bad everythings! T-Rex: It's true! My friend, have we become elitist snobs? Are we too good for anything? T-Rex (punchline): Have we - finally - become "too cool for school"?

it's dinosaur slang! they did things differently, i don't know

T-Rex: Man, my source for medical secrets won't tell me anything now, because I "broke her confidence" when I told everyone about the breathing thing! T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex: Oh well! T-Rex: I know tons of secrets about other professions anyway! Dromiceiomimus, did you know that restaurants want you to fill up on bread? Dromiceiomimus: But if you've already ordered your meal, why would they? They still get their money either way. T-Rex: It is the essential paradox of the restaurateur! Utahraptor: Your medical secrets were much more compelling! T-Rex: Yes, well- that's over now! T-Rex: The only other medical secret I know is that doctors may discreetly ask an elderly patient about his central vision by asking him if he has any trouble reading the numbers on his stove. Utahraptor: Lame! Off panel: I guess there's consequences to breaking confidences, eh T-Rex? T-Rex: Whatever, man! T-Rex (punchline): WHAT to the EV to the E R!

t-rex is pretty fly for a green guy

T-Rex: Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! T-Rex: And all the ladies proclaim that I'm quite adequate for a man of my racial denomination! T-Rex: You are aware of the difficulty entailed in simply managing one's life today! T-Rex: The one whom we're considering is not popular, but he attempts to give off that air nonetheless. Utahraptor: He may be unaware of certain pertinent pieces of information, and he may not be urbane... T-Rex and Utahraptor: But that which he does not possess, well, be assured that he substitutes for it in his own mind! T-Rex (punchline): Attention! Attention! Engage that neoteric device!

this totally doesn't count as breaking the fourth wall, cause i do this too

T-Rex: I'm tired of movies and plays and radio dramas in which all the characters have such snappy dialogue! T-Rex: It's unrealistic! T-Rex: It really yanks me out of the moment. How am I supposed to imagine myself being there, when everyone talks like they know their lines? T-Rex: And also, sometimes everyone talks like they're part of a larger work with a distinct thematic focus. Forget that! Utahraptor: So you want "natural" dialogues in your constructed fictions? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: And, um - T-Rex: Sorry, what were we talking about there? I just remembered I have to mail a letter today. Utahraptor: Man, nevermind! T-Rex: Oh ho! Did I just do that on purpose? AM I REALLY THAT CLEVER?? T-Rex (punchline): What's for dinner?

i tried to figure out all the symbolism in this comic and i was SO CONFUSED

T-Rex: The first law of thermodynamics: T-Rex: Important! T-Rex: The second law of thermodynamics: somewhat less important. T-Rex: If the laws were personified, I’d feel sorry for the second law! He’d be the affable loser, dressed in his brother’s second-hand patchy tweed. Aww! T-Rex: Well, I’D invite him over for dinner! We’d have chops! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh hey! I’m glad you came by: I was just imagining how nice I’d be to the somewhat-less-important second law of thermodynamics if it were personified. I’d have sympathy dinners! Utahraptor: Wow, that’s crazy! I’ll come back when you’re less INSANE, because the second law is still really important! Narrator: LATER: God: HEY I CAN PERSONIFY THEM FOR REAL IF YOU WANT T-Rex (punchline): No worries!

PRETTY COOL

Devil: T-REX WHAT'S GOING ON MAN THINGS ARE PRETTY GREAT EH T-Rex: What?! Who is this? Devil: IT'S ME THE DEVIL T-Rex: Leave me alone! Devil: HEY Devil: I HAVE MY OWN PLAYSTATION T-Rex: So?! T-Rex: I have my own refrigerator, and you don’t see me bragging! Utahraptor: Who are you talking to? T-Rex: The Devil! He won’t leave me alone, and all he’s doing is bragging about the video game consoles he owns. Utahraptor: Man, you've got your own personal theology going, eh? Devil: I GOT THIS NEW GAME WHERE YOU HAVE TO CLAP TO THE BEAT TO WIN T-Rex: Nobody cares!! Devil: YOU GO CLAP CLAP CLAP Devil (punchline): LEVEL THREE IS A PARTICULAR CHALLENGE

best friends 4ever!

T-Rex: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! T-Rex: There's water in the basement and I don't know what to do! T-Rex: If the basement keeps on flooding, then I'll certainly be blue! T-Rex: The water heater's leaking and my showers are all cold! T-Rex: I wouldn't mind so much, but it makes me feel so old! Utahraptor: Oooh, boo on the last line of your song, my friend! T-Rex: Boo? Utahraptor: Yeah! The story was holding together pretty well until you got to that point, but cold showers make you feel old? Not really! They wake you up, mostly. Utahraptor: On the other hand, I thought "feeling blue" tied into the water theme well! T-Rex: Thanks for your thoughts! Off panel: Hey, anytime! Narrator (punchline): "Best friends forever"

my life is a whispered apology

T-Rex: So! T-Rex: Time to discuss my lovemaking technique! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah whoah whoah - T-Rex! Nobody wants to hear about your lovemaking 'technique'! T-Rex: Okay, how about my lovemaking strategy? Dromiceiomimus: No! Good gosh, this talk belongs in the bedroom, IF ANYWHERE. Utahraptor: Wow, you sure got shot down there, my friend! T-Rex: I don't get it! T-Rex: I wasn't going to BRAG! My lovemaking technique consists of a series of awkward fumbles and whispered apologies. Utahraptor: Whoah! T-Rex: [small] I whisper apologies over and over while maintaining unbroken eye contact Utahraptor: Holy shit! T-Rex: Hah! Just kidding! T-Rex (punchline): I guess this is how rumours get started, huh?

they're going to shoot him out of a cannon, how improbable is that!

T-Rex: By mining the Earth's outer (liquid) core, I can sell precious iron, thereby giving profits to myself and my business partners! T-Rex: Profits!! T-Rex: Would you like to buy some PRECIOUS IRON, featuring nickel and trace amounts of lighter elements, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: No thanks! T-Rex: That's okay! I'll keep mining it, in case you change your mind. Utahraptor: T-Rex, we were fools! The Earth's core has destabilized because of us! T-Rex: We'll all be dead soon! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Maybe this isn't the best business idea ever. Utahraptor: Maybe! I've got a better one anyway. Utahraptor: [starts daydreaming] Off panel: Come one, come all to my Circus of the Improbable! T-Rex (punchline): Featuring me!

whoo!! science fiction!

T-Rex: I have come up with the best science fiction story idea ever! T-Rex: It's about a man... T-Rex: A man who can only see well when a light is turned on! Dromiceiomimus: Most guys I know are like that, T-Rex. T-Rex: But this guy can only see ANYWHERE when a particular light is turned on! Even when he's outside of the room with the light! Even when he's on the BEACH. If the light switch is turned off, so too are his eyes! Utahraptor: So what's the hook? As science fiction, where's the thinly-veiled social allegory to our world? T-Rex: Huh? There's no allegory. Just a twist at the end when we find out the whole thing was psychosomatic! Utahraptor: But then how would he know when the light is actually on? T-Rex: That's part of the fiction! T-Rex (punchline): The SCIENCE fiction!!

IT IS AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY IS ALL

Narrator: TALKING DINOSAURS IN: "THE FALLACY OF BALANCE" T-Rex: The fallacy of balance occurs when news agencies claim truth by reporting "both sides of the story"! T-Rex: In most cases, that's not balanced at all! T-Rex: For instance, if you're doing a story on how the sun is hot (assuming it's a slow news day), you don't spend half the story presenting a guy who thinks the sun is cold! You ignore the crazy minority. T-Rex: But often, when science is reported, equal credence is given to the kooks and their kooky theories! Science is presented as merely an opposing viewpoint. Utahraptor: Wow, I had no idea you were so fascist! T-Rex: I'm not! Utahraptor: "Hey everyone, look at me! I'm T-Rex! My truth is the right truth!" T-Rex: That's not me! T-Rex: There's degrees! Science is based on repeatable observation! Utahraptor: Sounds like a fine line to me, my friend! God: HEY TELL HIM ABOUT MY BUSINESS IDEA T-Rex: Dude! I'm busy! God (punchline): MAN

how can you truly know someone if they haven't shouted their innermost thoughts at you, basically

T-Rex: Such a nice day! T-Rex: YES, MAYBE A LITTLE BRISK BUT THAT'S OKAY! T-Rex: Yes indeed, it is a nice day, to be sure! Dromiceiomimus: What's with all the shouting, T-Rex? T-Rex: I THINK THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD ANSWER HER QUESTION. T-Rex: I figure our innermost thoughts are kept private too often, so I've decided to shout mine to the world! T-Rex: HEY, WHY AM I HUNGRY? I JUST ATE A FEW HOURS AGO. I HAD A CHICKEN SAMMICH, I THINK? Utahraptor: T-Rex!! Utahraptor: Dude, keep your voice down! What's the deal? I could hear you a kilometer off! T-Rex: I am having an inner dialogue! Utahraptor: So? You don't need to shout it! T-Rex: MY FRIEND, IT'S CLEAR THAT SHOUTING IS THE BEST WAY TO HAVE INNER DIALOGUES! T-Rex (punchline): I AGREE

the devil's lines start with a prolonged 'mmmmmm', like 'um', but without the 'u'

Devil: HEY Devil: T-REX T-Rex: ?! Devil: IT'S THE DEVIL T-Rex: Leave me alone you crazy bastard! Devil: HEY Devil: HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED THE VIDEO GAME "COMMAND AND CONQUER: RED ALERT" T-Rex: No!! Devil: THE MAMMOTH TANKS ARE ONE OF THE MORE POWERFUL UNITS IN THE GAME Devil: THEY PRESENT A FORMIDABLE FORCE TO ANY OPPONENT T-Rex: Argh!! So inane! Utahraptor: Who's inane? T-Rex: The Devil! T-Rex: All he wants to do is talk about these stupid games I've never played! He KNOWS I've never played them, and yet - the chatter CONTINUES! Utahraptor: At least he's not tricking you for your soul! T-Rex: I'd PREFER that! Devil: THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY T-Rex: Never played it!! Devil (punchline): FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT

you need to postulate a meta-time for such things to work, i mean COME ON

T-Rex: I no longer wish to die someday! It's true! I have decided that aging is for CHUMPS. T-Rex: And as a non-chump, this means I must find a way to be immortal! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, we've gone over this before! Remember? Immortality could violate conservation of energy laws? Science means that not all dreams can come true? T-Rex: This is true! But I have found a LOOPHOLE. A loophole... in science! Utahraptor: Mind describing this "loophole", T-Rex? T-Rex: Sure! I will simply freeze TIME ITSELF. T-Rex: That way we ALL get to live forever without breaking any universal laws! Watch! Utahraptor: Wait, WAIT! We'll never be able to become unfrozen, because that action requires time!! T-Rex: I'm sure I have no idea what you're tal- Narrator (punchline): TIMELESS AGES LATER:

yesterday's comic has been retroconned so that it NEVER HAPPENED tell your friends

T-Rex: There are a few moments in my life at which, I can now see in hindsight, critical events took place. T-Rex: These events set in motion other events, which finally led to the person I am today! T-Rex: For instance: Dromiceiomimus! Had you and I never met, I would never have become so good at Scrabble! Dromiceiomimus: Well, ah ha, I'm not sure that you wouldn't have picked it up somewhere else! T-Rex: Still! Things would be different! Utahraptor: That's the best example you can come up with? Scrabble? T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: All I really wanted to point out was that it's cool to think about these things sometimes. You know, like chance jobs where you met friends (or perhaps... LOVERS?) - things like that! Utahraptor: I'm not convinced that such small events can have that large an impact! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL "FRENCH RAP" UNIVERSE: T-Rex: Oui oui tout le monde - et ça n'arrête pas!! T-Rex (punchline): Je veux une petite quelque chose quelque chose!

oh darling, let's never talk about political correctness again

T-Rex: Here are some amusing observations about everyday life! T-Rex: 1) Men stereotypically leave the toilet seat up! T-Rex: 2) Parking spaces can be rare. T-Rex: 3) Airplane food? T-Rex: Well... that's it! Utahraptor: The first of your "amusing observations" seems almost reverse sexist! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Well, you’re making jokes about men, but that’s because they’re the safe target! They’re usually seen as having power in society. Would you make an equivalent joke about a woman? T-Rex: Sheesh, of course I would! I make jokes about whomever I please! Narrator: OUR STORY TAKES A SUDDEN DIVE... INTO GRAMMATICAL SCRUTINY! T-Rex (punchline): Is "whom" a necessary English construction? Its role as object is already indicated by syntax.

CAN I USE THOSE

T-Rex: I discovered some bad news yesterday: my bicycle needs a new seat! T-Rex: The SHAFT upon which the seat is MOUNTED has become bent! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! Such sexualized language! T-Rex: I'm sorry! It's just hard to talk about bicycles without sexualized language. That's the nature of the beast! T-Rex: I also need a new PUMP for my tires. Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you could avoid this if you wanted, T-Rex! T-Rex: I really don't think I could! T-Rex: To summarize: the THRUST of what I'm saying is - Utahraptor: "Thrust"? T-Rex: -apparently unable to PENETRATE your skepticism- Utahraptor: You're not impressing anyone, T-Rex! God: YEAH I'M NOT IMPRESSED EITHER T-Rex: Really? God (punchline): OKAY MAYBE JUST A LI'L

i originally spelt 'woo' as 'whoo' but thought people would read t-rex's lines like an owl was talking GOOD STORY RYAN

T-Rex: Spring break!! T-Rex: Woooo! T-Rex: Wooo! T-Rex: SPRING BREAK! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, hold up! WHICH spring break, T-Rex? You don't go to school! T-Rex: Nevertheless, I feel I am entitled to one! T-Rex: Woooo! T-Rex: Spring break WOOO!! Utahraptor: You think that if you shout "woo!" enough, a party will form, don't you? T-Rex: The thought DID cross my mind! Utahraptor: Well it won't work! It takes more than shouting "spring break" and "woo" to make a party happen! T-Rex: My theory and teen movies would disagree with you, my friend! T-Rex: Spring break! T-Rex: WOOOOOO! Narrator: DANCING LADIES AND TASTY SNACKS SUDDENLY APPEAR JUST OFFSCREEN: T-Rex (punchline): Excellent!

comics with sudden changes in intended audience!

T-Rex: Yes my friends, spring will be coming soon! T-Rex: Hooray!! T-Rex: Spring is my favourite season, Dromiceiomimus. Do you know why? Dromiceiomimus: Nope! T-Rex: It is my favourite season because it is so pretty! Utahraptor: Wait - just a few months ago you told me summer was your favourite season! T-Rex: Oops! Utahraptor: Could it be that you've been LYING to us, and that you don't really HAVE a favourite season? T-Rex: No, I wasn't lying! T-Rex: I just -- um! Narrator: NO ONE BELIEVES T-REX EVER AGAIN: T-Rex (punchline): Fuuuuck

hey heraclitus, our time machine didn't work so let's come up with a philosophical theory of time so it's not our fault! GOOD IDEA BOYS

T-Rex: Today I believe in temporal presentism! Only the objects around me in any given moment are real. They exist in space, but not in time! T-Rex: Neither the past nor the future actually exists! T-Rex: Each moment is unique, and life is but series of moments, connected by our memories! We speak of events occurring in the past only as a matter of convenience. Utahraptor: So the past is an illusion, eh? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Yet we're having a conversation, and you remember what's going on! T-Rex: Aha, my friend! That's only because this present moment is predicated on past moments being as they were. Utahraptor: This is a stupid theory! It doesn't get you anything! T-Rex: It does explain why time travel isn't possible! You can't visit a past or future that doesn't exist! T-Rex: Th- T-Rex (punchline): That's pretty much it!

we jump to somewhere else a few hours later in the last panel. that's clear, right? somewhere else? a few hours later? in the comics?

T-Rex: Today is Valentine's day! T-Rex: Hah hah! Sucks to THAT! T-Rex: I believe it to be a MANUFACTORED HOLIDAY. Last year it brought me nothing but trouble, so this year I am going out of my way to make sure that everyone knows they don't have to celebrate their love if they don't want to! Utahraptor: Isn't that kind of a jerky thing to do? T-Rex: Perhaps! Utahraptor: More than perhaps! Lots of people just use Valentine's day as an excuse for spending time with their sweeties, commercialism or not. Nothing ruins a romantic evening like a T-Rex barging in and calling it a corporate-sponsored fraud! Narrator: IT'S TRUE: Off panel: You jerk! T-Rex (punchline): You'll thank me when you share my politics!

i totally stole these jokes from my friend anneke and also actually think they're really good

Narrator: "DINOSAUR LAFFS" featuring t-rex the dinosaur T-Rex: Hey God! Check this out! God: OKAY T-Rex: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?" God: T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY THAT IS NOT A VERY GOOD JOKE T-Rex: What?! It was awesome! T-Rex: HORSES have long faces! T-Rex: LITERAL long faces! T-Rex: I bet you don't know much about good jokes anyway! God: WELL ACTUALLY Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh hey Utahraptor! Check this out: a dog with a missing foot hobbles into a bar and drawls "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"! Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Because sometimes cowboys' parents got shot? Utahraptor: Oh! Oh man - that is an awful joke! God: TELL HIM I'M GOD AND I AGREE WITH HIS ACCURATE ASSESSMENT T-Rex: I won't! God: BUT YOU AGREE IT'S AN ACCURATE ASSESSMENT THOUGH RIGHT God (punchline): IT'S PRETTY ACCURATE

it's my understanding that basically nobody likes motorcycles more than motorcycle enthusiast dudes

Narrator: FACTS WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE ABOUT MOTORCYCLE ENTHUSIASTS COMICS T-Rex: Motorcycle enthusiasts call cars "cages"! T-Rex: Motorcycle enthusiasts enjoy "souping up" their rides almost as much as anime fans enjoy the classic "Battle Angel Alita" graphic novels! T-Rex: Wow! Utahraptor: Motorcycle enthusiasts tell each other apart by their helmet "street tags"! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: But did YOU know that some motorcycle enthusiasts refer to long motorcycle rides as "numb bumming"? Utahraptor: In fact I did! Did YOU know that some enthusiasts subscribe to magazines focused on their particular enthusiasm? Narrator: DEDICATED TO MOTORCYCLE ENTHUSIASTS AROUND THE WORLD Narrator (punchline): YOU GUYS SURE DO LIKE TO RIDE MOTORCYCLES

BASICALLY, SALES FAILED TO MATERIALIZE IS WHAT I'M SAYING

T-Rex: My friends, I have written a new book! T-Rex: A book for CHILDREN! T-Rex: My book is called "Happy Dog the Happy Dog" and it mixes in the story of Happy Dog with important lessons I've chosen about life! It also features adorable drawings of happy dogs. Amazing! Utahraptor: So let's hear some of this amazing book! T-Rex: I'd be pleased to give a reading! T-Rex: "Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!" Utahraptor: Whoah, what?! T-Rex! That's awful! T-Rex: "Happy Dog loves to play fetch with a young boy named Timmy! Timmy is Happy Dog's best friend. Timmy is made out of meat. Your whole family is made out of meat." T-Rex (punchline): What's up?

T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!

T-Rex: Oh man, there were a whole bunch of raccoons hanging around outside my house last night! I was like, T-Rex: "Aaaaaahhhh!" Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah! I don't believe it! You, T-Rex - you're afraid of raccoons! T-Rex: There's nothing funny about this! They're damned freaky animals! They're SMART and CUNNING and they sit on the heads of dogs to drown them! Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: They do! T-Rex: And their hands - their little, nimble, probing hands! Utahraptor: Wow - you're really afraid of those cute little guys! T-Rex: They're not cute: they're freaky! They know too much! They open up jars and stuff! Narrator: THAT NIGHT: Off panel: T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND TAUGHT OURSELVES ENGLISH! T-Rex: Holy shit! Leave me alone! Off panel: T-REX - Off panel (punchline): WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE

holy god i wish i was making these cephalopod facts up

T-Rex: Damned sinister raccoons are still hanging around outside my house! And just when I thought things couldn't get more freaky, their cephalopod friends showed up! T-Rex: I was like, T-Rex: "What? AAAAHHHHH!" Dromiceiomimus: Cephalopods? Like squid? T-Rex: Squid, cuttlefish, and other similarly baleful creatures are all members of the cephalopod family, characterized by HUGE EYES, BEAKS, INTELLIGENCE, and AMBITION. Utahraptor: I thought cephalopods were underwater animals! T-Rex: They played us for suckers! Utahraptor: Well, maybe they're friendly! Maybe they just want to be your friend? T-Rex: They're jet powered, did you know that? They're jet-powered animals and their heads are covered in PREHENSILE TENTACLES. They're carnivorous and most are cannibals! Narrator: THAT NIGHT: T-Rex: I don't want any trouble, cephalopods! Off panel: T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! Off panel: WE'LL BE LIKE Off panel (punchline): "HELLO T-REX"

if this were a movie you'd hear raccoon chittering sounds reach a crescendo just before the screen went black

T-Rex: So the good news is that the raccoons and cephalopods aren't hanging around my house anymore! T-Rex: The BAD news is that they've moved in together next door! Dromiceiomimus: Really! Wow, that's quite a development! T-Rex: Yeah, quite a sinister development! The two animals I find the freakiest develop the ability to talk and move in next door? I do not need to know animals with these abilities! Utahraptor: Hey, do you think these recent events in your life could be an allegory for racism? T-Rex: Not really! It's not racist to like some animals and not others. Besides, I'm not irrationally against raccoons and cephalopods: they've threatened me! They wait menacingly outside my house for me to come home! Utahraptor: And "some of your best friends are raccoons and cephalopods", right? Narrator: THAT NIGHT: T-Rex: Cephalopod and raccoon neighbours, I respect your unique worldview! Off panel: YOU ALWAYS HAVE SUCH NICE THINGS TO SAY, T-REX. Off panel: COME CLOSER, T-REX Off panel (punchline): GIVE US A KISS

merry christmas!

Narrator: WE JOIN OUR STORY AS T-REX IS RELAYING DUMB STORIES HE'S HEARD AND BELIEVES TO BE TRUE. T-Rex: Time to educate my peers... through the medium of incredibly true facts! T-Rex: Hello Dromiceiomimus! Did YOU know that if you held your eyes open when you sneezed, they could pop out? Pop! Dromiceiomimus: Really? That seems pretty improbable, since I know that eyelids closing is just incidental to the sneezing refl- T-Rex: It's true!! They could just pop out like CRAZY. Utahraptor: Hey, are you going around telling people stories? T-Rex: True stories! FACTS! Want to hear one? Utahraptor: These wouldn't happen to be URBAN LEGENDS, would they, T-Rex? T-Rex: Of course not! Ha ha! So, um... here's a fun fact about trumpet players: each saves the contents of their spit valve in a mason jar, and chugs it at the end of the year! T-Rex (punchline): I don't know why!

personally, i'm sad on the inside that it's not time to PARTY RIGHT NOW!!! WOOO!

Narrator: SAD COMICS T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: Sometimes I get a little sad! T-Rex: You wouldn't guess it from my rugged exterior, but beneath my tremendous frame beats the heart of a sensitive man. So sensitive! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you're talking about how sensitive you are while simultaneously stomping on things! T-Rex: Yes, well - I realize that now, Utahraptor, and it makes me Very Sad! Utahraptor: You don't look very sad to me! T-Rex: I'm sad on the inside! T-Rex: Seriously, check it out: T-Rex: "Boo hoo hoo! Let's have a lengthy discussion about FEELINGS." T-Rex (punchline): Wooo! I'm talking the talk!!

that old ninja turtles show was pretty great though, eh

T-Rex: I've changed my mind! You know what's great? T-Rex: Nostalgia! T-Rex: Hot Wheels™ cars! T-Rex: Simpler videogames! T-Rex: Less swearing on the radio? T-Rex: Woooo! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: ...BMX™ bikes! Utahraptor: Are you listing things that you find nostalgic? T-Rex: I am! Utahraptor: But doesn't it take more than simply listing old things to really be nostalgic? T-Rex: Nope! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Ninja turtles!

THE MMORPGS ARE PLAYED ON MY FRIEND'S COMPUTER AND THEY ARE QUITE EXCELLENT

Devil: GREETINGS TO YOU T-REX T-Rex: The Devil!! T-Rex: What's the matter: run out of video games? Devil: NO, THE VIDEOED GAMES ARE QUITE PLENTIFUL INDEED Devil: I HAVE BEEN PLAYING SEVERAL MMORPGS OF LATE T-Rex: Huh? Devil: THEY ARE GAMES PLAYED ONLINE WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF STRANGERS Devil: THE EXPERIENCE IS UNPARALLELED T-Rex: Man, I don't want to hear about it! Utahraptor: Talking to the Devil again? T-Rex: He's the one talking to ME! I didn't ask for this! Utahraptor: Well, have you tried getting rid of him? Hey T-Rex, isn't it great how the Devil is PRETTY LAME? Devil: I WOULD DISAGREE WITH THAT PARTICULAR ASSESSMENT Devil: T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS T-Rex: Must be nice!! Devil (punchline): THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND

you have to imagine 'time of your life' by green day playing over the last panel

T-Rex: I sent an email to some dude today, and it came back with a verification message I had to reply to in order to prove I was "legit"! T-Rex: Stupid whitelist spam protection systems! Dromiceiomimus: Huh? You don't like spam protection systems? T-Rex: Not these ones! They're inherently flawed, assuming you ever want to hear from someone you don't already know. If two strangers have a whitelist system, then either they can never talk to each other, or they still get spam! Utahraptor: They'll still get spam? T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: Because if verification emails can get through, then it won't be long until spammers send messages that look enough like them to also get through. There's still a hole! And if you seal it, you miss real verification emails. Utahraptor: I guess so. Anyway! Let's go play TOUCH FOOTBALL! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I'm open! I'm open! T-Rex (punchline): I'm open!

AAAHHHHH. also! i totally stole 'come bleed with us' from an organization promoting group menstruation

T-Rex: So! Life proceeds, despite the fact that I've got the freakiest neighbours ever. Who wants to live next door to sinister raccoons and cephalopods? T-Rex: Not me! T-Rex: The ONLY advantage I can think of is that it'll be cool on Hallowe'en. That's it! T-Rex: And that's not even much of an advantage, actually! T-Rex: Not even! Utahraptor: T-Rex, did you ever think that maybe they're just as scared of you as you are of them? T-Rex: Hah! Utahraptor: Seriously! You could be quite imposing to someone who doesn't know you! T-Rex: Man, these animals are WITHOUT FEAR. I don't see how acting like I'm not afraid will help things! Narrator: THAT NIGHT: Off panel: ARE YOU AFRAID OF US, NEIGHBOUR? T-Rex: No way dudes! Nothing you can say will scare me! Off panel: COME BLEED WITH US Off panel (punchline): COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX

this may be a man solution in search of a man problem

T-Rex: Oh man, I'm still a little tired from last night! T-Rex: Time to go and get some HEARTY MAN SLEEP! Dromiceiomimus: "Hearty man sleep"? T-Rex: Damn straight, Dromiceiomimus! I am recently ALL ABOUT adding "man" in front of things to make them sound all the more manly. You should see me man snooze! I man snooze with a pure MAN FURY. Utahraptor: Does this work for "woman" too? T-Rex: Possibly! T-Rex: But I definitely have no interest in finding out! All I want to do today is have lots of man naps and stomp on things with my stern man foot. Utahraptor: That's your call, I guess! Off panel: By the way, "man naps" sounds pretty suggestive! T-Rex: I know, but I can't figure out a way to stop that! T-Rex (punchline): I live with my man failings.

THANKS WIKIPEDIA

T-Rex: So what's the deal with... T-Rex: ... POST-COMMUNISM? Dromiceiomimus: You're going to have to define that for me, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's what comes after communism, I think. Basically, what's the deal with it? Utahraptor: You don't have any idea what post-communism is, do you T-Rex? T-Rex: I freely admit that I do not! T-Rex: But I ask: assuming it exists, what is its deal? Utahraptor: Are you really interested? Is this your way of showing interest? I could tell you all about it if you want. T-Rex: Please! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: Really? No state has ever claimed to have reached a fully communist system, and so the term is inaccurate, etymologically speaking? T-Rex (punchline): That's pretty cool!

The good news is that this idea requires the ability to see the future, so I'm not too concerned about it actually taking place. CLOSE CALL THERE RYAN

T-Rex: Would it not be pretty neat to average out your emotional states across your entire life? T-Rex: I bet I'd never be sad again! Dromiceiomimus: But you'd never be happy again either! You'd probably be in this grey state of apathy for every second of the rest of your life! That doesn't sound appealing to me: always being out of sync with your friends, never knowing when to smile... T-Rex: No way Dromiceiomimus! I bet that I would be on average at least KIND of happy. Utahraptor: But what if you ended up being sad? T-Rex: Sad? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if you ended up being sad? It would be so tragic, especially if you had been pretty happy up to now! You'd feel - and you'd KNOW - that one day it's all going to go horribly wrong. T-Rex: That would be pretty awful, knowing that on the whole, your life is one of sadness! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAPPENED AND T-REX DIED IN A REALLY TERRIFYING WAY: T-Rex: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH T-Rex: [tiny] hhuuh T-Rex (punchline): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

i hope nobody who reads my comic broke up with their girlfriend today!

T-Rex: Here are some bad things to say to someone who just broke up with his long-term girlfriend! T-Rex: "Wasn't she the best ever?" T-Rex: "I was always impressed with her wit, her beauty, her intelligence and her sense of humour." T-Rex: "It's too bad you never got married, eh?" T-Rex: "I had a bit of a crush on her too! She was a cutie." Utahraptor: "I bet she was a good kisser, huh?" T-Rex: "Was she a good kisser?" T-Rex: "Do you remember kissing her?" Utahraptor: "Was it nice?" T-Rex: "Pretty nice?" T-Rex: "Are you worried that one day you'll forget what it was like?" T-Rex (punchline): "Wouldn't that be sad?"

it's a pretty awesome hat, that's why! in other news, i fully intend to do a comic where t-rex adds 'friggin' to movie titles, ie: the hunt for friggin' red october, back to the friggin' future, the man without a friggin' face, etc. ONE DAY.

T-Rex: I concede that, sometimes, it's nice to be polite! T-Rex: However! T-Rex: I also believe that it's NOT nice to be insincere. I am in conflict! T-Rex: This is because there are situations in which being polite implies being insincere. For example, I may think someone looks pretty ridiculous in their fancy new hat, but if they ask me what I think, I'll try to say SOMETHING positive about it! In order not to hurt their feelings, I am polite in sharing my opinion. Utahraptor: But it's understood that people will try to be polite, so this insincerity is okay! T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: If everyone knows people are being insincere, then what's the point of politeness? We end up in the same place, semantically speaking. Utahraptor: Not really! Since there is always SOME doubt as to whether someone is just being polite, one can always take something as a compliment! T-Rex: Hold that thought. T-Rex: HEY YOU! ACROSS THE STREET! T-Rex (punchline): I LIKE YOUR FRIGGIN' HAT!

LET ME PERFORM THE JENDRASSIK MANEUVER ON YOU MY LOVE

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Wooo! T-Rex: Secrets!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know how doctors will hit your knee with a hammer to test your reflexes? Dromiceiomimus: Indeed I do! T-Rex: WELL! In some cases the patient will be too aware of what's going on, and the test won't work. In such cases the patient is asked to lock their hands together and pull them in opposite directions. This distraction allows the test to succeed! T-Rex: I believe this is called the "Jendrassik Maneuver"! Utahraptor: That's a pretty sinister name! T-Rex: You're telling me! What's neat about it, though, is that it's AUTOMATIC. Even if you're aware that it's a distraction, the Maneuver still works! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Yep! It's a neurological distraction affecting the pathways between the central nervous system and the motor neurons, dishibiting any tonic (i.e.: baseline) inhibition. T-Rex (punchline): DOCTORS, huh?

why would you even do that!

T-Rex: Today is an excellent day I think for walking around like I own the place! T-Rex: Woo! Looks like my day just got filled up! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, would you say that I'm an excellent dude for walking around like I own the place? Dromiceiomimus: Actually, my friend, I would disagree! I think there are more productive uses of your time. T-Rex: I'll let history be the judge of that! Utahraptor: That's a pretty suspect saying, don't you think? T-Rex: WHAT Utahraptor: Seriously! It's predicated on history always being a story of progression, with the future assumed to be a better judge of what's right than the present. I'm not sure that's valid! Plus, I'm certain there's things that have been variously judged to be good and bad at different points in history! T-Rex: Okay, so what if I said "I think I'll let an assumed future history which agrees with my current position be the judge of THAT!"? Off panel: Then I'd cancel our bowling plans on Saturday! T-Rex (punchline): Noooo!

let's dish!

Narrator: INTERNET DIARY COMICS! T-Rex: Hey, I have a great idea! I'll get a webpage, and then I'll put up all sorts of personal stuff about myself and my friends on it! T-Rex: Then when it blows up in my face, I'll - T-Rex: Um! T-Rex: Anyway, to the internet! Narrator: OPTIMISM COMICS! Utahraptor: Hello T-Rex! How are you today? T-Rex: Hello my friend! I'm fine! Utahraptor: Great! Listen, T-Rex, we've known each other for a long time, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor: Right! Well, there's something I've been meaning to tell you - something I should have said when we first met... T-Rex (punchline): Sweet!

I wonder what my mom's up to, RIGHT NOW

T-Rex: Everybody dies. [no text] [no text] [no text] [no text] T-Rex (punchline): But we've still got some time!

it FEATURES corporations, but it also includes regrettable cultural epochs

T-Rex: In order to make things easier for myself AND my peers, I am constructing a personal Enemies of T-Rex List (Enemies List)! T-Rex: Featuring: corporations! T-Rex: First on my list are the people who make those cans of frozen concentrated juice at the grocery store. When I open them, they sometimes explode a little juice on me! T-Rex: I think it's because water expands when it's frozen and so the can is under pressure, and there's a little melted juice at the top? I don't know. But they're on the list! Also: 1970s American popular culture. Utahraptor: Listen T-Rex, are you really sure you want an Enemies List? T-Rex: Why wouldn't I? Utahraptor: Well - it just doesn't seem very charitable, that's all. Plus, if you need a list to remember your enemies, maybe it's better if you just forgave and forgot? Utahraptor: I guess I just don't see what you gain by having such a list, much less a well-publicised one! T-Rex (punchline): Dude! You're coming close to questioning the very IDEA of an enemies list!

did i just make up the 'backside lipslide 50/50 fakie'? no way man, it's awesome

T-Rex: Man, the coolest thing ever? T-Rex: Skateboarding out of a friggin' crashing helicopter! T-Rex: The ONLY way it could be better is if you yelled "EXTREME!" on the way down. "Whoah! Extreme!!" Dromiceiomimus: That is pretty extreme! T-Rex: You know it! And plus, you could do extreme tricks on the way down - like a backside lipslide 50-50 fakie! Utahraptor: Oh man, what if people continued skateboarding INSIDE of the crashing helicopter? T-Rex: ! T-Rex: I hadn't even thought of that! Utahraptor: Yeah, and when it crashes everyone thinks they're dead, but then they burst out of the rubble on their skateboards yelling "EXTREME!" and do ollies on the crumpled-up chassis! T-Rex: That is pretty friggin' extreme! Off panel: Extreme! T-Rex and off panel: EXTREME!! T-Rex (punchline): Whoaaaaah!

T-Rex's Plan A to make life interesting begins with preparing food in the nude

T-Rex: Last night I started to write my autobiography! However, I had to stop after a while because, as it turns out, my life is NOT THAT INTERESTING. T-Rex: Imagine my dismay at coming to such a realization! T-Rex: Therefore, I have resolved to make my life better "copy" and will, from now on, style my activities such that they'll be appealing to a hypothetical audience! T-Rex: I will be forever on stage, performing! Utahraptor: This is a very common fantasy among children! T-Rex: Oh yes? Utahraptor: Yeah! It's the idea that they're being watched on TV or by aliens or something. Not only does it make one feel important, but it's comforting to think that someone is there to share in your victories and defeats. T-Rex: I imagine that is very true! God: HEY T-REX IF YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS INTERESTING THIS CONVERSATION TOTALLY ISN'T HELPING T-Rex: God!! Hey, want to watch me go spice things up when I make... NAKED SUB SANDWICHES? God (punchline): I'M COOL

t-rex really just wanted to write a story where characters could say 'hullo' to each other, back and forth

T-Rex: "Mary was a young girl, 15 years old, and desperately in love with her next door neighbour, Tom." T-Rex: "It was three years before the Great War!" T-Rex: "Tom sat on his porch in the cooling night. 'How do you do?' said Mary, curtseying slightly. 'Hullo Mary,' said Tom, 'How are your folks.' He raised his voice so slightly that it was not quite a question, but Mary didn't notice. She was wearing her prettiest dress, the one with the blue floral print that her mother had sewn for her on her birthday. Mary smiled." Utahraptor: What are you doing, T-Rex? T-Rex: I'm writing a story! T-Rex: It's a heartwarming story about two children growing up in a simpler time, a time when gender roles were clear and children played hopscotch on their way home from school! Utahraptor: Wow, that's pr- T-Rex: Hah hah, just kidding! T-Rex: Oh man, did I get you? Did I get you? Off panel: I - I guess? T-Rex (punchline): What if I said I'm not really kidding?

I LOVE YOU ROAST BEEF

T-Rex: I've been thinking about gender roles! Is gender a social construct? T-Rex: Or, does it refer specifically to the persuasion of one's naughty bits? Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, it can't be a purely biological construct, because there are people born intersexed! T-Rex: That is true! Plus, ideas of "masculine" and "feminine" change over time and across cultures. I don't think a purely social OR biological explanation satisfies! Utahraptor: It's a very tricky question, and one that many people feel strongly about! T-Rex: Indeed! Utahraptor: Besides, even if we do assume gender is some mixture of both society and biological self, all that gets us is a murky combination of influences, predisposition and societal feedback that may be impossible to untangle. T-Rex: Hey, let's try though! Narrator: AMAZINGLY, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR SOLVE ALL POSSIBLE ISSUES OF GENDER... BETWEEN PANELS! T-Rex: You the man, my friend! Off panel: No, YOU the man! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! How delightfully droll!

:(

T-Rex: Alright, alright. Things I Need To Do Today: T-Rex: Get dog food for my very angry dog! T-Rex: Buy some food for me while I'm at it. T-Rex: Write a letter to my Grandmother whom I love dearly. T-Rex: Laundry! Utahraptor: Sounds like you've got a lot of chores to take care of today! T-Rex: I do! T-Rex: Oh, but the Grandmother letter isn't a chore. I like writing letters, and especially letters to my Grandmother! Utahraptor: You're a good grandson! T-Rex: I know it! Narrator: BUT T-REX FORGETS TO WRITE FOR LIKE THREE MONTHS: T-Rex (punchline): I AM THE WORST GRANDSON EVER.

;)

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS: today's fallacy: Narrator: "THE STRAW MAN" T-Rex: The "Straw Man" fallacy isn't so much a fallacy as it is a way of life! T-Rex: In this fallacy, you present an altered version of your opponent's argument in order to make it appear absurd! You then tear apart this weaker, ridiculous argument and claim victory. Basically it can be summarized as "make stuff up and attribute it to your opponent"! Haha! EXCELLENT. Utahraptor: What? It's not excellent, T-Rex! It's bad argument technique! T-Rex: Maybe! T-Rex: BUT, it's also a great way to win debates. And if anyone calls you on it, you just say "Come on. Your attack on me is the real straw man fallacy here; let's be serious." Utahraptor: But that's wrong! Utahraptor: Oh man, remind me never to debate you on the internet EVER. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): Hey, how did you know I use the internet?

I'M JUST GONNA STEAL IT OKAY

Narrator: MONDAY: T-Rex: The world revolves around me The world revolves around me T-Rex: (Probably) Narrator: TUESDAY: T-Rex: ... around me! T-Rex: (Pro T-Rex: Bab T-Rex: Ly!) Narrator: WEDNESDAY: T-Rex: Ohh, the world revolves around me! T-Rex: Yes, the world revolves around me! Dromiceiomimus: (Are you certain?) T-Rex: (Probably!) Narrator: THURSDAY: T-Rex: Yes, the woooorld, she revolves around me! (Probably!) Utahraptor: ENOUGH! Utahraptor: Holy cow, T-Rex! I didn't mind you singing your song the first time I heard it, but it's been four days! Four days! TIME FOR A NEW SONG. T-Rex: Sheesh, okay! It was just an amusing little ditty. I wrote it myself, you know! God: BY THE WAY THAT IS A PRETTY CATCHY TUNE T-REX T-Rex: Thanks, God! God (punchline): I'M GONNA STEAL IT OKAY

no worries brother, i got your back!

Narrator: COMPRESSED THESIS COMICS today's thesis: Narrator: "Computational Measures of the Acceptability of Light Verb Constructions" T-Rex: Light verb constructions (LVCs) are constructions like "take a stroll" and "give a smile"! T-Rex: They are formed by combining a light verb (such as "take" and "give") with a complement ("stroll", "smile"). Most of the meaning of a (non-idiomatic) LVC comes from the complement ("stroll" and "smile"). Dromiceiomimus: Amazing! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: But aren't some LVCs more acceptable than others? T-Rex: Yes, this is true! Utahraptor: It would be really nice to be able to measure that computationally. T-Rex: Sure would! Hmm, I wonder if statistical measures of association would correlate well with human judgments of construction acceptability? Narrator: TWO YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Hot crackers! They DO! T-Rex (punchline): I should totally write this stuff down!

let's talk about it though!

T-Rex: Bad news, everyone! T-Rex: I'm not as skinny as I used to be! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, whatever, T-Rex! You're as trim as always. Meanwhile, I must have put on at least 20 pounds since January! T-Rex: Whatever, Dromiceiomimus! You're fine. But look at MY thigh: it's somewhat larger than before! Utahraptor: You both are crazy, and you both look fine! Utahraptor: I'M the one who's putting on weight. I'm getting old and chubby! T-Rex: Whatever man! I'm getting OLDER and CHUBBIER. God: YOU GUYS ARE ALL MAKING A VALUE JUDGMENT ABOUT BODY TYPES T-Rex: Oh, are we gonna talk about cultural relativism? Cause I can talk about cultural relativism! God: DUDE God (punchline): I KNOW

cause maybe you should!

T-Rex: People are always like, "Boo hoo hoo! I'm not motivated!" Well, not anymore! Not since I, T-Rex, have decided to become... T-Rex: ... a motivational speaker! T-Rex: It'll be fantastic, Dromiceiomimus! I will motivate through a combination of folk wisdom and "uncommon sense" advice couched in clever stock market analogies! Dromiceiomimus: Sounds great? T-Rex: Sounds MOTIVATIONAL! Utahraptor: I don't think the world needs what you're offering, T-Rex! T-Rex: Think positive, friend! Utahraptor: No, really! I don't know anyone who's ever been motivated by an insincere catch phrase. I think you need to get back to basics, if you're serious about this! T-Rex: Basics, eh? Hmm... Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Excuse me! Unmotivated people? I'm T-Rex, your motivational speaker! T-Rex (punchline): So! Has anyone here ever tried setting goals, and then achieving those goals?

RYAN'S DEEP THOUGHTS: BOY THINGS SURE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF NOBODY DIED

T-Rex: So, throughout time, people have spent their youth learning, and the time after that applying what they've learned. Not a bad system! T-Rex: ... For a first try! T-Rex: The problem is that we're spending longer and longer studying. If you do a PhD, you could be 30 years old when you graduate! And since there's so much to know about the world, people are forced to specialize. Even at 30, there just isn't enough time to learn it all! Utahraptor: It's a necessary tradeoff! Millions of people specialize and make tiny contributions to knowledge. T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: But what if it didn't have to be that way? If we lived forever, we could learn so much! We could make connections between completely unrelated fields. Utahraptor: This is true, but the older generation would always remain! If they became stuck in their ways, they might inhibit progress instead of helping. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE NOBODY EVER DIES: T-Rex: Sure, borrow my four-seater rocket car whenever you want! Off panel: Thanks man! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! I'm totally glad I invented it.

seriously, sour cream and onion?

T-Rex: So I went for a walk last night before bed, simply because I wasn't tired yet and had nothing to do. T-Rex: True story! T-Rex: After walking for a bit, I found myself inside a 24 hour grocery store! Why? I didn't need any groceries. I guess I just found the bright lights and the prospect of buying snacks enticing! Dromiceiomimus: Did you get anything? T-Rex: Yes, just some chips and a drink. I didn't need either of them! Utahraptor: So are you concerned, T-Rex, that going shopping was your default activity? T-Rex: Yeah man! T-Rex: And shopping for food that I didn't even need, no less. I suspect that the symbolism of this at both a personal and societal level is pretty damning! Utahraptor: "Western man gets bored, goes and buys food he doesn't need." T-Rex: Exactly! Narrator: BUT A FEW EVENINGS LATER T-REX DOES THE EXACT SAME THING! T-Rex (punchline): Man, whatever! These chips are overwhelmingly delicious!

welcome to comics about chips week, here at qwantz.com

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX Devil: I HAVE AN INQUIRY TO POSE TO YOU Devil: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ADVENTURE GAMES AS A GENRE T-Rex: Man! I don't!! Devil: IT IS INTERESTING TO PONDER WHY THEIR POPULARITY HAS FALTERED WHILE THAT OF THEIR SISTER GENRE OF RPGS HAS REMAINED REMARKABLY RESOLUTE T-Rex: I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? You've got to understand this! T-REX EQUALS DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES ALL THAT OFTEN! T-Rex: ... Utahraptor: You seem unusually quiet! T-Rex: I think I got rid of him! Utahraptor: Who? T-Rex: The Devil! I told him off pretty harshly and I guess I hurt his feelings? Does that make me a bad person? Devil: I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO-RELATED ACTIVITIES T-Rex: Great! Let's talk about that instead! Devil (punchline): I LIKE RANCH FLAVOUR

what are your opinions on gay marriage and other issues current in our political discourse

T-Rex: I have discovered the secret to being totally famous! I will now share this secret. T-Rex: The secret is to be CONTROVERSIAL! T-Rex: That way, everyone is talking and thinking about you. You become famous simply for holding a contested opinion! And the best part is you don't actually HAVE to hold the opinion, you just have to say you do. It's so easy! Dromiceiomimus, what are your thoughts on gay marriage and prohibition? Dromiceiomimus: Prohibition? Why prohi- T-Rex: I DISAGREE!! Utahraptor: Wow, people are going to think you're an ass! T-Rex: A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame! Utahraptor: No, not really! It's annoying, insincere, and unattractive! Nobody likes someone who is controversial just for the attention. T-Rex: Maybe they do! Narrator: TURNS OUT THEY DON'T: T-Rex (punchline): Well, that's it for me!

if you're wondering why t-rex isn't married in this comic it's because by going back in time he removed his motivation for going back in time and so never did! SO LOGICAL

T-Rex: So I was talking up my post-pubescent body the other night, and this guy was like "Post-pubescent isn't a word, because you can never get past puberty!" I was like, "Whatever"! T-Rex: It was some party!! Dromiceiomimus: That guy was right though, T-Rex! Puberty is more of a toggle, isn't it? You're either pre-pubescent or pubescent - you never get to be post-pubescent. T-Rex: I maintain that you do! You're pre-pubescent, then pubescent, and then post-pubescent when the changes stop! Utahraptor: No no, you're pubescent as soon as the changes start! That's how it works. T-Rex: I disagree! Utahraptor: Let's look it up in a dictionary! Then we'll see what's what. T-Rex: Fine! Let's look it up right now! Utahraptor: Fine! T-Rex: Fine! I'll go do that! Utahraptor: Go ahead! T-Rex: I'm gonna! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: Dude, come quick! T-Rex (punchline): There's PICTURES!!

UT OH, the same arguments apply to history! 8o

T-Rex: It turns out that you can't escape politics in the media! Every song I hear, every book I read and every movie I see has some political agenda, even if it's just tacit support for the dominant ideology! T-Rex: Well! I'M going to create the first POLITICS-FREE film! Dromiceiomimus: What are you planning - a documentary? T-Rex: That's a start! It'll document the world around me to ensure that my own beliefs can't enter the frame. T-Rex: Oooh! And it'll be in one long take, so that I can't be accused of using editing to privilege some images over others! It's going to be great! Great and APOLITICAL. Utahraptor: It's not going to work, my friend! T-Rex: It'll work! Don't be such a downer! Utahraptor: T-Rex, as soon as you place the camera somewhere, you're making a value judgment about what's worth seeing and what's not. You're privileging what's in front of the camera over what's behind it: that's political! T-Rex: Hmm. That - that's true. Narrator: ATTEMPTS TO RECORD THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FROM ALL POSSIBLE ANGLES AT ONCE FAIL: T-Rex: Man, forget this! T-Rex (punchline): My politics are the right ones ANYWAYS.

dromiceiomimus thinks t-rex might be one of those dudes that looks really great in glasses, like, oh i don't know, R STEVENS

Narrator: WE JOIN T-REX AFTER THE EYE DOCTOR HAS TOLD HIM HE MIGHT NEED GLASSES: T-Rex: The eye doctor has told me I might need glasses! T-Rex: Me! Glasses! T-Rex: Man, glasses are gonna cramp my style. I'm not a glasses dude! I'm a NON-GLASSES dude! Dromiceiomimus: I don't know - maybe they'll look fetching on you! T-Rex: Perhaps! But still, my style will be totally CRAMPED. Utahraptor: What style do you have that can be "cramped", T-Rex? T-Rex: Plenty! T-Rex: Sleeping face down style! Rubbing my eyelids with the palms of my hand style! Glasses would interfere with BOTH these activities. Utahraptor: I've never seen you do either of those things. Besides, if the biggest worry you have in your life is glasses, then I think you're doing pretty well! Narrator: T-REX IS SUDDENLY REMINDED OF SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT: T-Rex: Shit! T-Rex (punchline): Global warming!!

a men's magazine called 'second base' would be almost as adorable as 'women in the mood to kiss'

T-Rex: What is the deal with second base? Nobody actually knows what it represents! T-Rex: (Second base in the sexually euphemistic sense, of course!) Dromiceiomimus: Everyone knows what second base is, T-Rex! First base is significant glances across a crowded room, second is quietly holding hands, third base is eating the same strand of spaghetti and a home run is totally smooching! T-Rex: I find these bases to be highly improbable, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: I think that people know what the bases are - but if they don't, that's cool too! T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: I don't know! I think it's because it makes the whole crass "how far did you go" talk a lot more adorable if the guys involved are just making up what the checkpoints are as they go along. T-Rex: It's cute that these tough guys have no idea what's going on? Utahraptor: Yeah! T-Rex: But wimpy guys talk about women too! Off panel: Wimpy guys talk about a lot of things! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Like COMPUTERS.

WOULD YOU RATE IT A FULL FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS OR WOULD IT RECEIVE A MERE FOUR ON FIVE RATING

T-Rex: I was talking to a friend the other day, and it turns out he'd never played the classic "Duck Hunt" video game! Devil: GREETINGS T-REX WHAT IS DUCK HUNT T-Rex: The Devil! What are you doing here?! Devil: I HAVE RECENTLY BEEN PLAYING A GAME IN WHICH ONE CONTROLS A ROBOT LOADED WITH FUTURISTIC WEAPONRY Devil: A MASTERY OF TORSIONAL TWISTING IS NECESSARY TO ENSURE VICTORY Devil: BUT I CONFESS I AM AS YET UNFAMILIAR WITH THE DUCK HUNT GENRE T-Rex: I can't believe it! I've played a game you haven't?! Utahraptor: Are you talking to the Devil again? T-Rex: I am! Devil: IS DUCK HUNT A GOOD GAME T-Rex: Get this: he's never played Duck Hunt! Utahraptor: Hah hah, oh man! Everyone's played Duck Hunt! T-Rex: Seriously! Devil: I SUSPECT THE GAME WAS SIMPLY NOT AVAILABLE IN MY AREA T-Rex: You shoot little ducks on the TV screen with your gun! Devil: HA HA SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT IS IT LIKE Devil (punchline): IS IT PRETTY COOL

and i'll live a consequence-free lifestyl- OH GOODNESS

T-Rex: I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that compelled me to commit "random acts of kindness"! T-Rex: (True story!) T-Rex: Anyway, that's exactly what I intend to do today. Kindness ahoy! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Is this house bothering you, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: The house? Why would a house be bothering me? T-Rex: Well - just in case! T-Rex: Hey, is this woman bothering you, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Man, leave her alone! Utahraptor: Your attempts to help us are clearly causing more harm than good, T-Rex! You see that, right? It's like you're living out some stock sitcom plotline! T-Rex: You're right!! T-Rex: Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien- T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOD

LISTEN EVERYONE DO NOT GO AND ENGAGE IN SEXUAL CONGRESS BECAUSE OF THIS COMIC, I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE

Narrator: "HOW TO LIVE A MEANINGFUL LIFE" Narrator: featuring Narrator: TALKING DINOSAURS T-Rex: That's me! T-Rex: Many people wish to know how to live a meaningful life! T-Rex: These people include newborn babies, youth, mature young adults, disenchanted middle-agers, executives - heck, even your own next-door neighbour may be secretely interested in living a meaningful life! T-Rex: Some say dedicating your life to helping others is the key. Utahraptor: That sounds like a good start! T-Rex: However, these people are WRONG. The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners! Utahraptor: What? Utahraptor: Seriously, what? T-Rex: Hah hah, okay, you got me! I was just fooling. Good one though, eh? T-Rex (punchline): Seriously, helping others is alright.

behind-the-scenes fact: nobody's ever actually rammed their car into t-rex's house before!

God: HEY T-REX DO YOU KNOW WHERE WIND COMES FROM T-Rex: You mean you don't know?! You're God! God: UM OF COURSE I KNOW I JUST WANT TO SEE IF YOU DO T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex: Well, as I understand it, wind is caused when high-temperature clouds interact with low-temperature clouds? And the Earth's rotation works into it somehow? God: YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD Narrator: the end Utahraptor: T-Rex, I've got some bad news! T-Rex: Oh no! Devil: MMMM HERE IT COMES Utahraptor: Some guy's parked car had its emergency brake fail, and it rolled down a hill and hit your house! I think you need new siding. T-Rex: Aw man! Why people always got to ram their cars into my house? Devil: I FIND THESE CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE QUITE HUMOUROUS T-Rex: Did YOU have anything to do with this?! Devil: I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THESE SCURRILOUS ALLEGATIONS Devil: HOWEVER I DO CONFESS TO ACHIEVING UPWARDS OF Devil (punchline): FIFTY POINTS

MORAL: DON'T BE RACIST?

T-Rex: I have a question that I can ask all my friends! The question is, "Would you rather kiss a music student, or a psychology student?". T-Rex: Hee hee! I am the best friend to have ever! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Listen, I have a question for you: would you rather kiss a music student, or a psychology student? Dromiceiomimus: A psychology student, I guess! That's just because I don't really know any music students, though. T-Rex: How INTERESTING. Utahraptor: So what's the deal here, T-Rex? T-Rex: The deal? Utahraptor: Yeah - is it like, a music student would have good rhythm or something, while a psychology student would know exactly what you want in a smooch? T-Rex: What? No, of course not! T-Rex: You can't apply broad generalizations to heterogeneous groups. Each person has their unique properties and outlook on life. T-Rex (punchline): Dude! Good thing I was around, eh?

if i had the means, i would seriously produce dinosaur comics bbq sauce: mild weaksauce, and spicy burnsauce with a side of ZING

T-Rex: I have made another exciting music-themed discovery: T-Rex: Any song can have its lyrics replaced with variations on the word "chimichangas"! T-Rex: For example: "Chim chimi chang chim chimi chang chimichangas!" Dromiceiomimus: I - I don't recognize that song. T-Rex: Come on! Everyone knows it. Utahraptor: This is one weaksauce discovery, T-Rex! T-Rex: You wound me! Utahraptor: Well, sorry! But come on, this is just a variation on scat, only for some reason you're limiting yourself to a single Mexican food. T-Rex: [small] it works really well with songs from Mary Poppins Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex (punchline): What a delightful film!

this works for any emotion, actually. "Don't be so chronically depressed okay? Sheesh!"

T-Rex: Let us talk today about a very important topic: T-Rex: Anger management! T-Rex: One must always manage their anger, lest it become under- or even un-managed and therefore out of control! But we should also remember that emotions aren't good or bad things - it's what we do with them that matters. For instance, anger can help us break things that would otherwise remain unbroken! Like with... T-Rex: ...piñatas? Utahraptor: So what's your anger management technique? T-Rex: I'm glad you asked! T-Rex: Whenever you feel angry and think maybe you shouldn't be upset, just repeat to yourself, "Don't be so angry okay? Sheesh!" Utahraptor: That's the most facile anger management technique I've ever heard! T-Rex: One might expect me to become hilariously angry at such a comment, but I'm managing my anger. T-Rex (punchline): Still! Ouch!

awww!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for talking about ex-girlfriends! T-Rex: Woooooooo! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe this isn't the best idea ever, T-Rex! T-Rex: But maybe it is! What could possibly go wrong? Dromiceiomimus: You offend your ex-girlfriends by betraying their trust, and look like a pretty big jerk in the process? T-Rex: No, no! Come on, it'll be great. Utahraptor: I think I agree, T-Rex! This is the worst kind of kissing and telling. T-Rex: The worst? Utahraptor: Yeah, it's kissing and telling years later, which, for serious, will not lead to good things. T-Rex: But what if I have only good things to say about them, hmm? What about THAT? Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: I still love all my ex-girlfriends, and remain good friends with them to this day. T-Rex (punchline): T-REX WINS!

t-rex also thinks that deep and important friendships are pretty okay

T-Rex: Time to talk about everyone's favourite topic... T-Rex: Relationships! T-Rex: Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that required at least a few sentences to explain what was going on, that couldn't be summed up in a single word like "boyfriend" or "ex-girlfriend"? Dromiceiomimus: Well, actually, the thing you and I have is sort of - T-Rex: Exactly! I'm glad you understand, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: So what about relationships that can't be summarized in one word? T-Rex: Um. T-Rex: They're... pretty okay? Utahraptor: They're "pretty okay". T-Rex: Okay, honestly, I wanted to talk more about how deep and important some friendships can be, but we've somehow moved away from that. T-Rex (punchline): I have no-one to blame but myself!

ex-girlfriends, please! one at a time!

T-Rex: So - dating ex-girlfriends? I've heard this can be a bad idea, but I don't know... T-Rex: What's the worst that could happen?! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, assuming you and the lady friend broke up for a reason, won't these problems still be there? T-Rex: Maybe, but I don't think so! We're different, more mature people now, and if we make sure it's more casual - less high expectations, less intense - I really think it could work! Utahraptor: More casual, eh? More like more casual KISSING, probably! T-Rex: No! T-Rex: I've really tried to separate sex from it. I don't know. I'd just like to try it again: hanging out, doing things together, having fun, only now with a non-zero chance of smooches! Utahraptor: You think it could be different? T-Rex: I really do! Narrator: THIS LEADS TO SEVERAL MUTUALLY-SATISFACTORY, CONSEQUENCE-FREE MAKEOUTS WITH EX-GIRLFRIENDS: T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): How AGREEABLE.

relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

T-Rex: Anyway! Relationships are for the young and the criminally insane. What's of real importance is that I saw a car dealership ad yesterday advertising that "no reasonable offer will be refused"! T-Rex: Well, yeah! T-Rex: Oooh, ads like that burn my biscuits. Of course they're not going to refuse a reasonable offer! That's what makes it so reasonable! And worse, since "reasonable" can be a very subjective word, it's not really saying anything beyond "Hey, I won't refuse an offer for reasons that I personally find irrational." Utahraptor: It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's thought fueled by rage!! T-Rex: It just bothers me that they're trying to make it sound like a big thing when it's just business as usual! That's deceptive. Utahraptor: That's advertising! T-Rex: So annoying! Plus, I saw this other ad on the same day that said "everyone approved O.A.C." T-Rex: O.A.C. stands for "on approved credit"! Everyone's approved if they're approved?! Aaargh! T-Rex (punchline): I could make some joke about tautological advertisements, but I find them too annoying to laugh at right now.

t-rex just wanted to show how rational he was :(

Narrator: T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR IN: "SELF-DOUBT SHENANIGANS" T-Rex: Self-doubt! T-Rex: While it can occasionally help us re-evaluate bad ideas, it can also be crippling. People who are too self-doubting can become (figuratively) paralyzed, unable to have even the smallest faith in their abilities! USUALLY, this is unfounded. Utahraptor: Why all this talk about self-doubt, T-Rex? Are YOU self-doubting? T-Rex: Hah, of course not! T-Rex: Besides, if I was, it would be self-skepticism, not self-doubt. Doubt can be irrational and unfounded, but skepticism relies on a critical evaluation of the facts at hand, and an informed judgment of their merit. Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: No, but I don't have any doubt in myself, see? T-Rex: T-Rex rules the schools! T-Rex (punchline): I cannot stress this enough!!

if you've never heard the banana boat song this comic will be SO CONFUSING

T-Rex: Unlike SOME people, I like it when I have a dumb song stuck in my head! T-Rex: Dayyyy o! T-Rex: Me say dayyy o! T-Rex: Daylight come and me wan' go home! T-Rex: Come Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana! Dromiceiomimus: Aw, T-Rex! Now I'll have that song stuck in my head ALL DAY. T-Rex: Daylight come and me wan' go home! T-Rex: Day! Me say day me say day me say dayyyyyy o! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Cut it out! Utahraptor: You've got a song stuck in your head, great. FANTASTIC. But the rest of us don't need to hear it, okay? You can keep SOME things to yourself. T-Rex: W- okay! Okay! Sheesh. Now I'm in a bad mood, thanks to you. Satisfied?! T-Rex (punchline): [tiny] dayyyyyyyy o

Did you see the Buffy episode where everyone in town got magical powers, but then couldn't control their magical powers?

Narrator: WAYS TO WIN OR AT LEAST END ARGUMENTS IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE RESPECTING YOU Narrator: BABY WANTS HIS BOTTLE: T-Rex: Aww, look at the big baby! Baby wants his bottle! Narrator: MAKING UP STORIES THAT ARE WRONG BUT HINT THAT YOU DO KNOW THE TRUTH: T-Rex: Josh Whedon (or whatever he's calling himself this week) totally just downloads fan fiction and says, "Eh, good enough." That's why Willow and Tara are lesbians! Dromiceiomimus: He does not! Buffy was a really well-written show! Narrator: PROJECTED IGNORANCE: T-Rex: You don't know that! Utahraptor: T-Rex, bi- T-Rex: You don't know that! Narrator: DEAD FRIENDS: Utahraptor: Man, you can't really believe in a "language organ" that makes communication innate. T-Rex: Yes, well - Utahraptor. T-Rex: My friend died. Narrator: FINALLY: HUGS AND KISSES! T-Rex: Aww! T-Rex (punchline): Come'ere, you!

I mean what?

T-Rex: Where does knowledge come from? Does it derive from our observations of the world, or could it possibly be... innate? T-Rex: Let's settle this question once and for all! Dromiceiomimus: Well, what do you mean by knowledge being innate? T-Rex: I mean that all knowledge can be derived just by thinking about it! That it can be deduced from just a few axioms that we all start out with, such as a knowledge of self and an understanding of causality. Utahraptor: This seems like a position one would take only if one wanted to hear one's own voice, T-Rex! T-Rex: Not even! Utahraptor: Come on! It only works if you make all sorts of assumptions, like, oh I don't know, that the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is deterministic and logical! T-Rex: Well perhaps it is! Off panel: Hey, let's go flip a coin to decide! And then we can deduce the outcome by thinking about it! T-Rex: Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? T-Rex (punchline): I mean witty?

and you thought there wouldn't be any actual programming advice in the comic. for shame!

Narrator: T-REX IN: PROGRAMMING ADVICE T-Rex: Are you having trouble programming your computer? T-Rex: Let me give you a few pointers! Dromiceiomimus: Ooh, ouch. Was that a bad pun? T-Rex: It was an... indirect reference? Dromiceiomimus: I suspect that these are all bad puns! T-Rex: Don't worry - they're the least significant bit of my speech. Oh ho! Narrator: JOKES EXPLAINED: Utahraptor: Aren't pointers programming tools, T-Rex? T-Rex: They are! T-Rex: They allow one to reference the address of data, instead of the data itself. It's like how knowing someone's phone number lets you get in touch with them personally! Hence the delightful "indirect reference" pun. Utahraptor: I too think these are pretty awful. Narrator: CONCLUSION: T-Rex (punchline): Everyone! Program harder!!

s/owned/pwned/g

T-Rex: Let us discuss public spaces, such as parks and sidewalks! Does nobody own them? Or, are they in fact owned... by everybody? T-Rex: An interesting distinction, if I do say so myself! T-Rex: If nobody is seen as owning a public space, then nobody is motivated to care for it, and so care falls to the government. Spaces become bland and inoffensive, due to the nature of governance! However, if everyone owns them, then everyone can take care of them, and they can become vibrant and challenging. Utahraptor: Challenging how? T-Rex: Challenging ARTISTICALLY. T-Rex: People could put up posters and stuff on telephone poles, along with ads! And anything that anyone didn't like, they could take down. It would be an anarchic art show or something! Utahraptor: Somehow I don't see this happening. T-Rex: I'll show you! Narrator: T-REX PUTS UP POSTERS AROUND TOWN AND THEY GET COVERED WITH ADS FOR YOGA SCHOOLS: T-Rex: Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! T-Rex (punchline): This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

in case you missed it, there is a good tip on getting published in panel five.

T-Rex: We can only imagine what it must have been like - T-Rex: the conversation! T-Rex: - during that time period. In one place were gathered the T-Rex, Utahraptor, and Dromiceiomimus - together, in one location, the greatest minds of our time. T-Rex: "I recall we talked about T-Rex a lot," Utahraptor once famously remarked. Utahraptor: What's up? T-Rex: I'm working on a group biography about us! But get this: I'm going to bury it when it's finished, so when it's discovered in the distant future, it will be published for SURE. It'll be historical! Utahraptor: Of course! I should have guessed THAT'S what you'd be doing with your time today. T-Rex: History does not record, unfortunately, what must have been a stellar retort on the part of T-Rex. Of this, however, we can be certain: he was an awesome dude. T-Rex (punchline): One is advised to tell one's friends!

thanks, etymology book i found!

Narrator: THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE WORD "WOMAN" - IN COMIC FORM! T-Rex: Many people believe "woman" is a sexist term, due to its apparent base in the word "man"! This has led to crazy alternative spellings like "womyn" and even "wimmen". T-Rex: However, this is not the case! T-Rex: The word originally derives from the Old English "wïfmann", where "wïf" meant "female" and "mann" meant a person of either sex: thus, a female human! Dromiceiomimus: Man didn't mean male? T-Rex: Nope! It derives from the Latin "humanus" (earthling), from "humus" (earth, soil)! Utahraptor: And while "wïf" meant female, "wer" meant male! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: We can still see this today in words like "werewolf", which means, literally, a manwolf. Utahraptor: So "werewolf" is actually a more sexist word than "woman"! T-Rex: According to me: yes! T-Rex: This is why I spell the word "wheirwolf", and why I ask that you do the same! You wouldn't want to be SEXIST, would you? Off panel: I don't really see h- T-Rex (punchline): You'd also be respecting my unique worldview!

go on, try it! nobody's looking

T-Rex: Have you ever noticed that summer is when pretty girls come out? T-Rex: I suspect that you have, because it's totally true! T-Rex: I also suspect that I'm not supposed to notice - but wow! There are pretty girls EVERYWHERE. They're just walking around, chatting with their friends, being attractive. I like to look at them! They're so pretty! Utahraptor: Are you worried that you sound a little creepy? T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Walking around saying "girls are pretty"? I don't know! It's the sort of thing that everyone thinks but nobody says. How would you like it if a girl came up to you and said you were pretty? T-Rex: Hah hah! I would be like, "Hello!" T-Rex (punchline): I'd lick my lips while I said, "Hello!"

i wrote this comic almost a year ago and just found it today! where have you been, little comic?

Narrator: THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING IN AN AIRPORT T-Rex: Here is a list of things to do while waiting in an airport! T-Rex: Fall asleep, wonder how your life brought you here, stare at clock, stare at own fingers, MAYBE stare at fingers of others. T-Rex: Tha- T-Rex: That's pretty much it! Utahraptor: There's probably more things that you can do in an airport, T-Rex! T-Rex: I can't think of any right now! Narrator: REALITY INTRUDES: Utahraptor: Man, we're dinosaurs! What the heck are we doing in airports? T-Rex: Or talking, for that matter? Narrator: BACK TO NORMAL: T-Rex (punchline): In other news, being cognizant is so totally sweet!

it occurs to me that 'expiry dates' would also be a great name for an action film

Narrator: EXPIRY DATE COMICS! T-Rex: Expiry dates on food and juice products? T-Rex: WHATever! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean, whatever? They tell you when food has gone bad. If you ignore them, you're eating expired food, and that's gross. T-Rex: Counterpoint! I drank some recently-expired juice yesterday, and it was exceedingly delicious. The only reason people have such faith in expiry dates is because of the Star Trek TV shows! Utahraptor: That one's going to need some explaining! T-Rex: Star Trek! Star Trek: The Next Generation? Utahraptor: T- That's not an explanation, T-Rex. T-Rex: Whenever there's trouble, their computer is always all "15 seconds until fatal radiation exposure", as though if you get 14, you're fine, and if you get 16, you're dead for sure! Expiry dates, like those on ST:TNG, are false and needlessly strict. God: MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF T-Rex: It's different when YOU do it! Sheesh! T-Rex (punchline): Also what?

BACKSTORY: T-Rex isn't quite certain what racism is, but is very concerned that he might be racist because he's been hit by a few taxis.

T-Rex: People who cut me off on the road are usually taxi drivers. The two accidents I've had have both been hit and runs where I'm the one hit, and they've both been with taxis! T-Rex: I think I'm becoming racist against taxi drivers! Dromiceiomimus: I don't think it's called racism if it's against a heterogenous group like taxi drivers, T-Rex. T-Rex: Nevertheless, it's the same emotion, the same irrational distaste! I don't know what else to call it! I'm PREJUDICED. It's terrible! Utahraptor: So if you were throwing a party, would you invite a taxi driver? T-Rex: Of course I would! T-Rex: I just wouldn't like it if they showed up in my living room in their cab, that's all. Utahraptor: So you only dislike taxi drivers when they're driving taxis? Maybe you just hate the game, but not the player! T-Rex (punchline): In other news, I'm now also racist against that phrase!

i'm stressed out just THINKING about having to build a working car out of cardboard! aw man. shit

T-Rex: There's a lot I don't know about being a professional chef. There's a lot I don't know about a lot of things! Narrator: T-REX IN: THERE'S A LOT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT STUFF Dromiceiomimus: What do you know about building a car out of cardboard, T-Rex? T-Rex: Does it have to work? Dromiceiomimus: Yes. T-Rex: Nothing! Oh man, I wouldn't even know where to start! Utahraptor: Okay, what about the principles of semiconductors? T-Rex: I know they conduct... semi-well? Utahraptor: There's a lot you don't know about semiconductors too! T-Rex: Oh, it's true! I'll probably NEVER know everything about everything at this rate. Time to fall back to Plan B! Narrator: T-REX IN: THERE'S A LOT I DO KNOW ABOUT ME T-Rex: Looks like I'm still the world authority on myself, everyone! Go ahead! T-Rex (punchline): Ask me ANYTHING.

where 'eat' means 'cannibalize', of course. also: these are dinosaurs! what the heck am i doing?

T-Rex: Oh man, let's talk about zombies! They're the coolest by far! T-Rex: PHILOSOPHICAL zombies, that is! Dromiceiomimus: Philosophical zombies? Do you mean like a zombie Plato or Ayn Rand or something? T-Rex: While that WOULD likely be more fun to talk about, I am instead referring to the idea of a person who acts externally like a real, sentient person, but who actually lacks consciousness. A mental zombie! A philosophical zombie. Utahraptor: But these "zombies" act human? T-Rex: Sure do! But inside they are DEAD. Utahraptor: So there's no real way to tell if anyone is a philosophical zombie. This is the same old "I'm only REALLY sure of my own consciousness" argument, only sexed up with the living dead! T-Rex: You must admit that it makes the whole debate a lot more interesting. Off panel: Not really! Philosophical zombies never even eat the flesh of the living! T-Rex: Well, they probably could, if they wanted! T-Rex: We all probably could, if we wanted. T-Rex (punchline): You know?

god now issues challenges to t-rex in the form of stunt eating. Like in Joan of Arc?

God: HEY T-REX I BET YOU COULDN'T EAT 12 SALTINE CRACKERS IN UNDER A MINUTE T-Rex: I'm instantly convinced that I could! Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE SALTINE CHALLENGE!" T-Rex: How hard can it be to chew and swallow 12 desiccated dry and salty crackers in under a minute? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, the Saltine Challenge! It's actually really hard, T-Rex. Your mouth is going to dry out and you'll find it impossible to swallow. T-Rex: Come on. I've heard THAT before! Utahraptor: Hey, care to make it interesting? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: I'm so convinced in my own abilities that I'll bet you FIVE DOLLARS that I'll pull this one off. Utahraptor: Five dollars! You're ON. Narrator: BUT IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY HARD AND KIND OF GROSS: T-Rex: My body has failed me for the first time ever! T-Rex (punchline): Also, I'm not sure how I feel about competitive eating.

t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

T-Rex: Man, if I were sent back in time 200 years, I could easily make myself into a serious king by "inventing" things two hundred years too early! T-Rex: Easily! T-Rex: I couldn't invent penicillin because I don't know what mold is used, but I could do stuff with electricity! Like... magnetically levitated trains? Oooh, and electric fly swatters! Dromiceiomimus: I could approximate some great works of fiction! T-Rex: With our powers combined, we'd be unstoppable! Utahraptor: I'm not really sure that I could invent anything useful, though! T-Rex: Why not? Utahraptor: I don't really have much of a great mechanical understanding. Could I design and build an internal combustion engine? The answer is no. ALTHOUGH, come to think of it, I could invent modern foods like chips and poutine! T-Rex: Dude!! T-Rex (punchline): We could also invent women's rights, and then totally take all the credit for it!

i need to make changes in my life so that i have more opportunity to use it.

T-Rex: Hot enough for you? T-Rex: IS IT ADJECTIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU?? Narrator: JOKES NOBODY NEED EVER MAKE AGAIN COMICS T-Rex: Oooh, and that one in which, after stumbling, one is advised to have a nice trip, and offered hope of a reunion come autumn! Utahraptor: Hey, how's the weather up there, T-Rex? T-Rex: Aggravating! Thanks!! T-Rex: Also, these martinis are more like marTINIES! Utahraptor: I see. T-Rex: Ho ho! T-Rex (punchline): (I actually REALLY like that one!)

utahraptor says he's tired of t-rex's conversational plagiarism; he must be tired of something

T-Rex: Man, it sure has been a long December! Maybe this year will be better than the last. T-Rex: The days sure do go by so fast! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, do you think that I could be forgiven? I wish you would! Dromiceiomimus: Aw no, not this again. Come on T-Rex, passing off lyrics as conversation ONLY AMUSES YOURSELF. T-Rex: I-is that light attaching to you? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Anyway, I guess it's just one more day up in the canyons for me! Utahraptor: Boo on you, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? Dude, it's been so long since I've seen the ocean. Utahraptor: Man, nobody wants to hear "A Long December" by Counting Crows passed off as conversation. Yes, that's right! I've heard the song before! I recognize your CONVERSATIONAL PLAGIARISM. T-Rex: It's a song?! T-Rex (punchline): Holy shit, what are the odds?

here are some phrases that i have been asked to work into a comic: surgery, high school graduation, if you really loved me you'd let me marry your husband, t-rexticles.

T-Rex: I think that there's no animal more symbolic than birds. They're so SAD! Narrator: BIRDS ARE SAD COMICS Dromiceiomimus: Sad? I never saw them as sad. If anything, they represent freedom, the giddy joy of flight and exploration and the promise of a better tomorrow! T-Rex: Yeah, that's true. But whenever birds settle in an environment where there are no predators, the first thing they lose is their ability to fly. It seems the evolutionary purpose of flight is simply to avoid being eaten! Utahraptor: And that's sad, T-Rex? T-Rex: The idea of birds forgetting how to fly? Yeah, that's sad! T-Rex: And man, imagine a pure white bird, a father of two baby chicks, lying dead and motionless on the sidewalk, killed because it flew into an office window? That's SUPER sad! T-Rex: Go on, imagine it as hard as you can! Utahraptor: Okay. Narrator: THEY BOTH TRY: T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

IT'S BEEN THAT SORT OF MONTH

T-Rex: There are some people who identify not as gay or straight or bisexual or what have you, but rather as asexual. I find this really interesting! T-Rex: It must be so different! T-Rex: Some don't find themselves sexually attracted to anyone, while others do, but find all they want in friendship and have no desire to add kissing to the mix. Dromiceiomimus: And you find this interesting? T-Rex: I do, because it's so far removed from my own experience. I'm ALL ABOUT adding kissing to the mix! It's what I do best! Utahraptor: Have you ever met any asexual people, T-Rex? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: It's just - I can't get over the feeling that you're treating asexuality like an amusing trinket, rather than a real sexual orientation. T-Rex: Well - it's a fine line! I'm not asexual myself, so there's a distance between myself and the material. But I am trying. Narrator: T-REX DECIDES NOT TO KISS ANYONE FOR A MONTH TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE: T-Rex: I feel - fine! Focused! T-Rex (punchline): Heck, I probably wasn't going to kiss anyone this month ANYWAY.

i'm a poetess and i don't know it-ess

T-Rex: It's not often you can see how language is evolving, but you can totally see it today with male and female nouns. T-Rex: It's the coolest! T-Rex: Some pairs (like "prince" and "princess") are completely accepted, while others (like "teacher" and "teacheress") seem insanely sexist and out of date. It depends on the word! Dromiceiomimus: Female teachers used to be called "teacheresses"? That's so bizarre! T-Rex: I know! But maybe one day people will think that about "princesses". Or MAYBE they'll wonder how we got by without the word "astronautrix"! T-Rex: The coolest of all these words, though, are clearly those on the threshold of acceptability. Utahraptor: Such as? T-Rex: Oh, "actress" and "stewardess", I guess - words which some people will use without hesitation, but which others will call sexist. There's no consensus! Utahraptor: Well, I can see the use of "actress", because usually the gender of the person affects what roles they can play. T-Rex: Looks like you've come down on the side of "gendered professional nouns have their occasional uses"! Off panel: Looks like! T-Rex: T- That's cool, man. T-Rex (punchline): Are we still friends?

my roommate says that the 1970s was the REAL age of consent! can you believe it?

T-Rex: I find age of consent laws pretty interesting because, for something so basic, they sure vary a lot from place to place! Again, they're something for which there is no consensus. Is that a pun? Consensus? That wasn't meant to be a pun. T-Rex: ANYWAY! T-Rex: Most people agree that a 26-year-old should be able to consent to sex, while a child should be protected from sexual predators, but where we legally draw that line is contentious! Some places allow 12-year-olds to consent to sex, while others believe that even people in their early twenties are unable to give knowledgeable consent to the INTERCOURSE. Utahraptor: This is a pretty dangerous topic, isn't it? T-Rex: Dangerous how? Utahraptor: Well, isn't this one of those topics that you'd talk about with friends in private, but not while out in a public place? You don't want people to think you're a PEDOPHILE. T-Rex: What? I haven't mentioned anything that would make people say that! I'm talking about legal ages of consent! T-Rex: Though... why would I be talking about this if I wasn't a pedophile? Ah, yes. T-Rex (punchline): Well played, my friend! Well played!

i won the lottery again today, only this time they paid me in kittens!

T-Rex: In "The Divine Comedy", this thirteenth century dude Dante describes all these circles of Hell where the wicked spend eternity for being so wicked. T-Rex: Pretty heady stuff! T-Rex: Anyway, what's remarkable is that Dante puts both homosexuals and money lenders in the same circle! He thought both were unnatural: interest makes something (money) from nothing (no action on the lender's part), while homosexuals make nothing (hot gay action doesn't count!) from something (their reproductive organs). Utahraptor: Hey, how do you know that that's what Dante was thinking? T-Rex: It's in the book! Utahraptor: Well maybe he just decided to write a book that he entirely disagreed with. T-Rex: Well MAYBE he wrote in his diary that he did agree, and I've read his diary! Utahraptor: Maybe he was lying! T-Rex: Dude! You're not allowed to lie to your own diary! T-Rex (punchline): A- Are you?

DROMICEIOMIMUS! DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

T-Rex: My stars, I have been so busy lately. And it continues! Up to Friday is going to be KRAZY for me. T-Rex: Notice the 'k'! T-Rex: The 'k' indicates extra kraziness, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: I'm glad you specified that, T-Rex. T-Rex: I value our friendship, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: You've said that before, T-Rex. T-Rex: Well! That was an unusual interaction! Utahraptor: Explain! T-Rex: I'm not sure I can! I'd have to explain a lot about us in order for me to articulate why it seemed so unusual. I'm guessing she was just upset with something else, and wasn't in the mood for any of my shenanigans? Utahraptor: Maybe you should find out what she's upset about then! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! ARE YOU UPSET WITH ME AND IF SO WHY? Off panel: I'm not upset with you! I'm just tired today. T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! T-Rex (punchline): CAN WE SHOUT FOR A BIT

scientific inaccuracies in this comic: dinosaurs did not have nipples. that's it!

T-Rex: It's been warm and then hot and then uncomfortably hot and then warm again, which suggests to me that T-Rex: SUMMER HAS ARRIVED WOOOO! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, hooray for summer!! Would you like to come with me and Utahraptor to the cottage this weekend? Dromiceiomimus: I'd love to! T-Rex: Woohoo! This promises to be the best weekend ever in the history of time! Narrator: THAT MONDAY: Utahraptor: Thanks for an awesome weekend, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aw, my pleasure! T-Rex: Hey, I got my pictures developed, by the way! Utahraptor: Oh man, pass them over! T-Rex: You'll notice that one of my nipples is highlighted in several of the pictures! T-Rex (punchline): Just "FYI"!