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he also has trouble remembering birthdays and the name of the guy his ex-girlfriend is seeing

T-Rex: I think sometimes that I am not a very good friend, because I don't have a very good idea of what is appropriate. T-Rex: I know! I am full of surprises! T-Rex: But it's true! I have trouble remembering the names of friends of friends and tell jokes when I should be empathetic and understanding. I'm just trying to cheer them up, but usually they want sympathy instead of rough chuckles! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, you're not all bad, T-Rex! T-Rex: But I'm not perfect either! Hmm... T-Rex: Yes, that will be my new goal! I will become the perfect friend! Utahraptor: Great! Utahraptor: You can start by taking out my garbage for me, good buddy! T-Rex: Aha, I know you're only trying to point out the limitations of my plan, but it's to be the perfect FRIEND, not the perfect PUSHOVER. T-Rex: For instance, rather than taking out your garbage, I'll hang out with you and we can talk about entertainment franchises we have a shared interest in. Do you like the recent Star Trek series? Off panel: Nope! T-Rex (punchline): Hah, me neither!

AGAIN

T-Rex: Time to talk more about my made-up country of Canada! Narrator: HAPPY CANADA DAY COMICS Narrator: a "PG-13" picto-story T-Rex: In Canada, you get real winters AND real summers, and there's places where you can get winter all year round if that's your sort of thing! Dromiceiomimus: Is that your sort of thing, T-Rex? T-Rex: That is HECK NO not my sort of thing, but I'm glad to know it's an option! T-Rex: Also, in Canada? Two chicks can totally get married! Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: Finally, there is social liberalism and national pride, but not one that is predicated on making other countries seem worse. Utahraptor: But doesn't that imply any countries that don't have that desirable feature are worse off than Canada? T-Rex: It - it does. Well heck! Off panel: That's okay, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): I fucked up Canada!

batman loses his shit! my brother had a dream JUST LIKE THIS a few nights ago; what are the odds??

T-Rex: I had the coolest dream last night. BATMAN was in it! And ZOMBIES! T-Rex: It was entirely great! T-Rex: Okay, so Gotham City is infected with zombies, right? T-Rex: People start getting bit, dying, then getting up and feasting on the flesh of the living. Batman and Robin are fighting them off as best they can, and while they're too fast and acrobatic to be touched, there's too many zombies to kill them all. They start rescuing as many people as they can, taking them to the Batcave for safekeeping. It's a good place because it's not only big, but protected and hidden! Utahraptor: So what happens next? T-Rex: Well, soon the Batcave is getting pretty full! T-Rex: And at some point they've rescued this guy who's been bitten, but who's hidden it. He dies, and the next time Batman and Robin come back to the Cave, they find that everyone inside is now a zombie! Their effort has been entirely futile, and everyone they've rescued is dead. Utahraptor: Then what? T-Rex: Batman FLIPS OUT!! T-Rex (punchline): And I wake up, the end!

flow GISS tunn

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about phlogiston! T-Rex: That's right! Phlogiston, bitches! T-Rex: Phlogiston was proposed as a scientific explanation for combustion! It was clear that some things burned (like wood), while other things would not burn (like ash). Phlogiston was a colourless, odourless and weightless substance that was contained in things that could burn. When they burned, the phlogiston was released into the air! Utahraptor: That's a pretty crazy theory! T-Rex: Yeah, but it totally worked for a while! T-Rex: It explained why if you burned things in a jar, they would go out: the air can only hold so much phlogiston! But it started to fall apart when people discovered that some things, like magnesium, actually gained mass when burned. Utahraptor: So phlogiston would have to have a negative mass! T-Rex: Yeah! That seemed a little TOO krazy. But it's actually pretty close to what we now believe, only backwards! T-Rex: (We believe materials are deoxygenated and become oxygenated when burning!) Off panel (punchline): Man! I know it!!

alternate ending: utah: Can you think of any good sides to copyright? t-rex: Yes! t-rex: However, no!

T-Rex: Copyright is intended to prevent others from ripping off your creations! It used to extend 28 years after you created something, giving you a chance to profit while ensuring good ideas would eventually enter the public domain. T-Rex: However, lately it's gotten pretty ridiculous! T-Rex: Copyright extensions have pushed this protection up to the length of your life plus 70 years and beyond - basically, whenever Mickey Mouse is due to enter the public domain, copyright law is extended. It's unfair, and it restricts creativity! Utahraptor: How does it restrict creativity? T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: With these insanely long copyright laws, there is no new public domain, and our modern culture is owned and put in private hands! It ensures you can't build on anything that's been created in the past 70 years. Utahraptor: Wow, you really seem to care about copyright laws! T-Rex: I just think we're approaching a state of perpetual copyright, and that this could interfere with my bhangra remixes of pop songs. T-Rex: I mean my non-bhangra remixes, of course! T-Rex (punchline): THEY'RE GOOD

if utahraptor gave him a hug or something, it would totally work.

T-Rex: Oh man, I'm gonna work the phrase "little lower, little slower" into every conversation I have today! T-Rex: Hee hee! It's a good day to be T-Rex! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So I was at the dentist today, and he was all cleaning my teeth, and I was like, "little lower... little slower!" Dromiceiomimus: Hah! What'd he do? T-Rex: He cleaned my bottom teeth! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey there, T-Rex! T-Rex: Little lower, little slower! T-Rex: Wait, shoot, too soon. Can we start over, and you give me a hug or something? Utahraptor: What? No! T-Rex: Incidentally, that would be a good phrase to say to an ex-girlfriend you're trying to hook up with! The "start over" one, I mean. Um. T-Rex (punchline): Where'd everybody go?

cucumber sandwiches!!

T-Rex: Wouldn't it be pretty okay to travel at speeds FASTER than that of LIGHT ITSELF?? T-Rex: I submit that it would be pretty okay indeed! T-Rex: With that in mind, I'm going to design an engine that can make something go faster than light. Dromiceiomimus: Our current understanding of physics says what you are trying may well be impossible! T-Rex: Our current understanding will have to be UPDATED, pending my success! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, do you want a hand? We could do it together! T-Rex: Sure! It'll be fun! Narrator: MONTHS LATER: Utahraptor: While I do feel this project has brought us closer together, I don't think it's going to work. Perhaps faster-than-light travel really is impossible. T-Rex: Or PERHAPS we're not trying hard enough! Let's work extra hard for a bit. T-Rex (punchline): Then, sandwiches!

past t-rex is t-rex of a few minutes ago! i like his style!

T-Rex: Imagine if I snuck up behind some guy and put a "kick me" sign on his back, only instead of "kick me", it said "kiss me"? Hah hah! T-Rex: That is one dude who's going to get all the sweet makeouts!! T-Rex: And he would have no idea why suddenly all these people are making out with him! From behind! Dromiceiomimus: You should do it! Maybe even guys would kiss him, because the sign told them too! T-Rex: Hee hee! It's the ultimate prank! I'm gonna do it. Should I do it? I'm gonna do it. Dromiceiomimus: Do it, T-Rex! T-Rex: But, on the other hand, putting a "kiss me" sign on someone's back would be EXTREMELY CRAZY! Utahraptor: Do it! T-Rex: Hah, you think I should do it? Utahraptor: Man, go for it! T-Rex: Let's ask past T-Rex what he thinks! Narrator: PAST T-REX: T-Rex (punchline): Do it, dude!!

getting depressed during the winter is called 'seasonal affective disorder', or SAD. come on, psychiatrists. let's be serious.

T-Rex: There sure is a lot I don't know about... T-Rex: CLINICAL DEPRESSION! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you shouldn't joke about clinical depression (major depressive disorder)! It's not very funny. T-Rex: I'm not! I'm just saying that there's a lot I don't know about it. How do you deal with it? How do you best support a friend who is dealing with it? I have NO IDEA. Utahraptor: Well, it is good that you want to find out more! T-Rex: I agree!! I am a model for us all. T-Rex: So! Depression? Utahraptor: I don't know much about it either, T-Rex! I think you'll have to do your own research on this one. T-Rex: Aw boo! Researching things, much like the mental illness of depression, is for chumps! Narrator: T-REX RESEARCHES IT ANYWAY: T-Rex: Oh man, I should not have said that depression is for chumps. That's like the worst thing you can say to a depressed person! T-Rex (punchline): SHEESH, T-Rex!

it was so hot out last night that when i woke up my pillow was juicy with head sweat. i know! it was gross!

T-Rex: Okay, so hypothetical situation: let's say you've got two friends who used to totally date each other but now they're broken up, and neither wants to see the other anymore! T-Rex: Oops!! T-Rex: The problem this raises for you, as a friend, is who do you invite to parties and such? Do you alternate invitations between events? Invite both friends and assume either they'll work out amongst themselves who's going, or you'll get to see some sparks fly? Utahraptor: It's a difficult situation for everyone involved to be in! T-Rex: It's true! Utahraptor: I suppose I'd talk to both of the people to see what they'd have me do. T-Rex: But what if they want you to do conflicting things? Utahraptor: Well then, I guess I'd face a choice! God: T-REX WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE EVEN IN THIS SITUATION T-Rex: I like to be prepared! God: DUDE WHY ARE YOU EVEN SAYING THIS THOUGH God (punchline): IT'S SO STRESSFUL

ATTENTION, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS!! we used to be friends, right?

T-Rex: There's this crazy rash I've got on my wrist. This is an unwelcome development that I did not invite! T-Rex: Forget you, crazy rash! Dromiceiomimus: Have you done anything to try to get rid of it? T-Rex: I am a firm believer in the "do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves" school of problem solving. Dromiceiomimus: Really? Well - good luck! Utahraptor: Has this technique ever solved ANY of your problems, T-Rex? T-Rex: All the time! T-Rex: Like this one time, I had to pay my phone bill, but it's sort of a pain to mail stuff, you know? So I just waited and waited and eventually a collections agency called ME, and they let me pay my bill over the phone! Utahraptor: But there are conseq- T-Rex: It was amazing! Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER THE RASH GETS WORSE: T-Rex: ATTENTION, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS!! T-Rex (punchline): Why don't you call?

we could read it together! also: here's hoping that none of these spoilers are actually true, otherwise i'll have some explaining to do to EVERYONE.

T-Rex: Has anyone ever heard of a book series called, oh I don't know... "HARRY POTTER"?! T-Rex: Dude, because I totally have! T-Rex: And did YOU know, Dromiceiomimus, that in the most recent book Harry's friend RON WEASLEY ends up asphyxiated on the moon? Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: Yes! The moon! There's no air up there so it makes sense that he ends up asphyxiated. Utahraptor: You're ruining the book for everyone, T-Rex! T-Rex: No way, Jose! Utahraptor: Or at least you would be, if your spoilers were at all plausible. Nice try though! T-Rex: Did you know that during a Quiddich match, it turns out that one of Harry's teachers is a vampire? Utahraptor: Aw man! T-Rex: And who could forget the twist ending revealed in the last sentence of the book? "Actually, everyone in this story is a vampire!"? T-Rex (punchline): Have you read it?

t-rex is worried he's not developing filmicly as he should

T-Rex: It's so hot out today! So hot! Narrator: HOLY IT'S HOT COMICS T-Rex: So hot!! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to go see a movie with me? T-Rex: To escape the heat! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! T-Rex: Yes! I've always wanted to do that. For some reason, I've always wanted to be one of those people who does that! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, want to go see a movie with me? T-Rex: Aww, sorry, I just saw one! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus and I went to escape the heat! Utahraptor: How was it? T-Rex: Ridiculous! The movie needed way more EXPLOSIONS. T-Rex: Saying "the movie needed more explosions" is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way! Off panel: I got that, thanks! T-Rex: I find that most movies need way more explosions though. T-Rex (punchline): You know?

i used 'eh' three times in this comic without even realizing it! holy moley!

T-Rex: I totally went out to fancy dinner with friends last night! It was a lot of fun and the food was extremely delicious. T-Rex: I also left a big tip, so as not to appear NIGGARDLY! T-Rex: Eh? Would you say you find something COMMENT-WORTHY in my speech, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Nope! I know that the word "niggardly" means miserly, and that it has a completely different etymology from any words that it might happen to sound like! T-Rex: Aw man! Maybe - maybe pretend you don't? Utahraptor: You were just looking for controversy, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's true, it's true! T-Rex: But my plan was to educate! When people called me on "niggardly", I was going to explain how it most likely derives from the Scandinavian "nig" (miserly), and in fact predates any similar racially-charged words by hundreds of years! Utahraptor: Looks like you blew your chances with us, my friend! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey there! How's everyone doing? Say, that river sure is getting high, huh? Maybe someone should put a DYKE up around it! T-Rex: Eh? Eh? T-Rex (punchline): Homophobia?

so has the pottery class

T-Rex: What a beautiful summer's day! A good day for me to PARTY DOWN and shout "Wooooooo!", I think! T-Rex: Wait, I can do better. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! Use your indoor voice - you don't have to be so loud! T-Rex: "Indoor voice"?! We're outside, Dromiceiomimus! Anyway, if we were indoors right now, I'm pretty sure I'd be just as loud and proud as ever! T-Rex: In that order! Utahraptor: "Indoor voice" refers to the situation inside a house, where others are sleeping and stuff! There's a whole context there, T-Rex! T-Rex: Man, context is for suckers! And with that revelation, I don't see how the term "indoor voice" on its own can mean anything at all! Utahraptor: Y-you're not - T-Rex: That's right! I'm questioning the very IDEA of an "indoor voice"! The revolution begins here! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex (punchline): The revolution has ended due to lack of interest!

it's good to combine self-pity with lessons about fun and handy phrases! a-apparently!

T-Rex: So how do people do it? How do people choose a direction in their life, I mean! T-Rex: It seems pretty hard! Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex, I think most people choose a direction they want to go in, a job they'd like to do, and then work towards it. T-Rex: Yeah, but what if you finally get that job, and it's not all you hoped? What if it sort of sucks? Utahraptor: What are you talking about? You don't have a job in the first place! T-Rex: Yeah, but man! T-Rex: Being unemployed was sort of the dream, but now I realize that it just leaves me with a lot of free time, and I feel useless and unaccomplished at the end of a day! Utahraptor: So get a job! Problem solved! T-Rex: But being unemployed isn't sucky all the time, just some of the time! I don't know! I'm pooched, man! I'm pooched! T-Rex: Being pooched is akin to being screwed! T-Rex (punchline): Now you know!

remember? when we got to talk about coping skills and peer pressure and all that? a-and sexuality?

T-Rex: So sometimes I have these little secrets, yes? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And SOMETIMES these little secrets accidentally become BIG secrets, because I never told the people I should have about them and it's too late now. Dromiceiomimus: Ooh! What are these secrets? T-Rex: I'm not thinking of any in particular, actually! Just the general case. Dromiceiomimus: Oh. That's less interesting! Utahraptor: Maybe you shouldn't keep so many secrets then, T-Rex! T-Rex: But I don't! T-Rex: They're just - you know how when you've forgotten somebody's name, and it's way too late to ask them now? It's like that with these little secrets. You know what I mean? Utahraptor: No, that doesn't really happen to me. T-Rex: Am I the only one with these problems? T-Rex: Because if so, then I guess I get to work on my life management skills! T-Rex (punchline): D-Do people still talk about life management skills?

ooooh, i think somebody still wants to be king!

T-Rex: Okay, so I've made a few runs at it and have never actually been able to travel back in time. This I concede easily! I totally dropped the time ball. T-Rex: But baby, I've got a good feeling about today! Dromiceiomimus: Aw T-Rex, why do you want to go back in time so much anyway? You've already been in the past; you know what it's like! T-Rex: My own life doesn't count, and besides I could go back in time and CHANGE things! Like your breakfast today: wasn't it delicious? Don't you wish you could have had that breakfast YESTERDAY? T-Rex: Mmm? Utahraptor: Man, even if you were successful, I can just tell you'd screw up my timeline on me! T-Rex: I would not!! T-Rex: Besides, it's not YOUR timeline. It's EVERYONE's timeline. We have to share it. Utahraptor: Well, you should take me with you, so I can keep you out of trouble. T-Rex: Fine! FINE. I'll take everyone back in time with me. WHY NOT. HOW HARD WOULD IT BE TO TAKE EVERYONE BACK IN TIME. Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex (punchline): IT WAS ACTUALLY NOT THAT HARD.

that's how you know you're a REAL time traveller. also: this comic can be read left to right and then right to left again, circularly. it was extremely difficult to write.

Narrator: TIME IS RUNNING FORWARDS: T-Rex: Aw, shoot! [a blue arrow from panel 2 turns back to panel 2, turning red] T-Rex: Did that fix time? I don't think that fixed time! [a red arrow goes to panel 3, a blue arrow comes from panel 3] T-Rex: Well! I guess our only hope is to focus all of our willpower on changing things back to normal! Dromiceiomimus: Do you think that'll make a difference? T-Rex: I believe that MAYBE it could? It's not like we have too many options! Let's do it! Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: I don't feel anything different - do you? T-Rex: I feel the same! [a red arrow goes to panel 5, a blue arrow comes from panel 5] Utahraptor: But... MAYBE this is something we simply can't fully diagnose with our senses - maybe it's just too subtle! T-Rex: Broken timeflows are crazy! I'm sorry! Maybe we can fix it with wishes? Utahraptor: I guess it's worth a try! On three! Narrator: TIME IS RUNNING BACKWARDS: T-Rex: I don't think that fixed ANYTHING, man! Things are as messed up as ever! T-Rex: Also, my head hurts and I feel like making puns involving the word "watch"! [a red arrow from panel 5 turns back to panel 5, turning blue]

t-rex is a big fan of expressions that he's heard on any show ending with 'TNG'

T-Rex: Wow, it's great to be back in a timeframe that ISN'T messed up beyond recognition! Is this the last time I will ever have incident to say that sentence? T-Rex: Here's hoping! T-Rex: How are you feeling, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I'm feeling alright! I just don't understand how this all happened. How did you manage to screw up time itself? And since time and space are a continuum, wouldn't you have also screwed up space itself too? T-Rex: I don't know! PROBABLY I'm just lucky. Utahraptor: I do think she raises a good point, T-Rex! T-Rex: About time travel and space? Utahraptor: Yeah! In fact, this whole thing has raised a lot of questions. How did you even build a time machine in the first place? T-Rex: Dude, I simply employed lots of ingenuity and cleverness! SO much. Utahraptor: That's not an explanation! That's not even close to an explanation! T-Rex: The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? T-Rex (punchline): Discuss!

if by 'religious scholars' you mean dan brown and by 'some [of these divinities] even have sex in the woods' you mean the all-attractive krishna, then HECK YES

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about HINDUISM. Narrator: HINDUISM COMICS! T-Rex: In Hinduism, there are many gods and aspects of gods, and many of these divinities are sexual. It's true! Some even have sex in the woods with regular mortals just for the fun of it! In conclusion, Hinduism is a famous religion, plus, sexual congress. Utahraptor: T-Rex!! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: Man, leave it to you to take a great religion and focus ENTIRELY on the sexy bits. T-Rex: I do that with all major world religions though! For example, Christianity? T-Rex: Mary Magdalene? T-Rex: Eh? T-Rex (punchline): Some religious scholars believe she and the historical Jesus were more than "just friends"?

the DVD release of this comic features some cut dialogue! 'It would be for us as if the whole internet burnt down one morning, and it turned out that everyone forgot to keep a copy of it! Only - only more probable!'

T-Rex: Ah, the great Library of Alexandria! A repository of learning founded in the 3rd century BC, this library has become a powerful symbol for knowledge. T-Rex: Especially since it was destroyed by fire or maybe looting a few centuries later! T-Rex: Oh, what knowledge we have lost! What revelations were written on those ancient papyrus scrolls, now entirely beyond our grasp? With this lost information, could the industrial revolution have arrived a thousand years earlier? The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic "perhaps!" followed by a wide-eyed "who knows??" Utahraptor: Whoah, I think you're putting too much into this, T-Rex! T-Rex: It was a pretty great library! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're treating the actual libraries (plural) as a symbol, which only confuses what actually happened historically. Certainly SOME ancient knowledge was lost, but I think it's disingenuous to suggest that its loss meant our development was set back thousands of years! T-Rex: You're saying that by building up the legend, I do a disservice to the actual libraries? Well, I've got news for you, my friend! T-Rex: Um! T-Rex (punchline): The news is, you make some convincing arguments!

high five, god! also: splashing in puddles? that's the best i could come up with. kids like to splash in puddles, right? but EVERYONE likes to splash in puddles though.

T-Rex: Ah, to be a child again! To have no responsibilities! To have a high metabolism that allows me to eat whatever I want! T-Rex: To chase after birds in the park, wearing nothing but a grin! Dromiceiomimus: Your idea of childhood is chasing after animals naked? T-Rex: Well - after being small and irresponsibly eating a lot, yeah. Dromiceiomimus: That's pretty weird, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's not THAT weird, is it? Utahraptor: It's a little weird! Utahraptor: It's just that it's such an odd image of childhood, and that you came up with it before other more popular images, like splashing in puddles or whatever! Did you once memorably chase naked after a bird? Is that it? T-Rex: Hah! I deny all these scurrilous allegations! God: DUDE BY MY COUNT YOU'VE CHASED AFTER LIKE TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE BIRDS WHILE NAKED T-Rex: There's no shame in that! I do everything naked! God: HAH God (punchline): ME TOO MAN

utahraptor's pretty sure that for life to exist, chemical reactions have to be deterministic, because otherwise we could all explode when we ate a sandwich or something, kapow!

T-Rex: Science is based upon hypotheses, conclusions and theories formed via repeated observations and experiments! Narrator: THE PHILOSOPHICAL BASIS OF SCIENCE T-Rex: This allows us to fashion an empirical and verifiable understanding of the world around us. Theories are said to be correct if they match up with the observed properties of the universe! However, science makes the tacit assumption that the universe is predictable and orderly and regular, which MAY NOT BE THE CASE. T-Rex: I ask the question: what if some of the theories and laws of science were merely statistical? Utahraptor: Explain! T-Rex: Well, we say the speed of light is about 300,000 km/s, because it's been that every time we've measured it. But what if there's a small chance that sometimes, the speed of light can just - change? Utahraptor: You're questioning the basis of science by postulating a non-deterministic universe. T-Rex: Yeah man! In such a universe, science totally fails! Off panel: So does life, probably! It wouldn't matter because we'd all be dead! T-Rex: Dead WRONG! T-Rex (punchline): About science?

did you see the zinger dromiceiomimus got in on guys there? oh, man, will the two sexes EVER find a common ground?

T-Rex: You know what would answer the very important question of "who is the manliest?" T-Rex: None other than a manliness contest! Heck yes! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm so manly that I crack open walnuts for old ladies with my pectoral muscles! Dromiceiomimus: Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls! T-Rex: We both understand we're using manliness as an archetype, and that your claims to manliness do not reflect upon your ideas of femininity, or of normative gender. In any case! T-Rex: I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands! Utahraptor: Oh yeah? Utahraptor: Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. T-Rex: Pretty manly! T-Rex (punchline): AND pretty consequential!

utahraptor's lawyer/violinist/teacher/authority figure/whatever joke profoundly misunderstands the purpose of handicapped spaces. or does he really think that people lose some mobility when they become a PROFESSIONAL MEMBER? he almost certainly does not.

T-Rex: What do you call fifteen PROFESSION MEMBERS buried up to their necks in sand? T-Rex: Not enough sand! Dromiceiomimus: Oh! Why don't PROFESSION MEMBERS play hide and seek? T-Rex: Why? Dromiceiomimus: Because no one will look for them! T-Rex: Hah! Ouch for PROFESSION MEMBERS, and their stereotype! Utahraptor: Hey, are we telling PROFESSION jokes? T-Rex: We are! Utahraptor: Okay, why do PROFESSION MEMBERS leave AN IDENTIFYING INSTRUMENT OF THEIR PROFESSION on the dashboard of their cars? T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: So they can park in handicapped spaces! T-Rex: Hah hah! Oh, those PROFESSION MEMBERS! T-Rex (punchline): They're not like us!

SOLIPSISTS, I'M ON TO YOU

T-Rex: Ah, solipsism. The belief that only one's self exists! Everything and everyone else are just a projection of my imagination. I made them up! Who invented all the arts and sciences? T-Rex: Why, apparently, it's me - T-Rex! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, but if this is the case, why do you imagine a world for yourself in which people's ice cream cones can fall in the dirt? T-Rex: Probably I just want to make things more interesting! Dromiceiomimus: And I guess all the pain and death in the world is also just to make things more interesting? T-Rex: That makes me sound pretty messed up, but yeah! I guess! Utahraptor: But you do admit you don't have control over the entire universe, right? T-Rex: I can't make you dance, that's true! Utahraptor: Right! So part of your mind you can't control (your unconscious) must be at work there. But since you can't control it, it's effectively external, right? So the rest of the universe is still external to you! You haven't gained anything by imagining it's all in your head. T-Rex: Dude, I gain the knowledge that if I die, the rest of the universe dies with me. Woo hoo! T-Rex (punchline): (This makes me super important!)

an earlier punchline to this comic had t-rex avoiding something 'as a rule', and then explaining that it was funny because there's a sort of utilitarianism called 'rule utilitarianism'. then i changed it! FOR SOME REASON

T-Rex: Utilitarianism is an ethical system in which you always act to minimize pain and increase happiness! This is the perfect system for me, as I am ALL ABOUT increasing happiness. Narrator: UTILITARIANISM COMICS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I am crushing this house because, holy, what if the people inside are really sad about something? By smushing them, I increase net happiness on the planet over the long term, because they won't be sad anymore, ALSO, stomping makes me happy. Net happiness: increased! Dromiceiomimus: I don't think that's fair! T-Rex: We could debate it, but that might make me very sad. Utahraptor: You must realize that this isn't a fair application of utilitarianism, T-Rex! T-Rex: I must? Utahraptor: Yes! Although, you DO raise some of the fundamental problems with the theory: there's no pleasure calculus to measure happiness, especially not one that can take into account the long-term consequences of our actions. T-Rex: I like this phrase, "pleasure calculus". T-Rex (punchline): Is it truly as erotic as advertised?

i think utahraptor's tired of not getting any of the sweet neologism action

Narrator: THERE IS TOTALLY A PARTY AT THIS HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD TONIGHT T-Rex: Hooray!! T-Rex: Oh man, do I ever love parties! And parties held at this particular house are always the BEST EVER. Dromiceiomimus: They're "house parties" where anyone can show up! T-Rex: I know! It makes me feel like a member of a community, plus, I can meet new and attractive lady dinosaurs! Utahraptor: So are we going? T-Rex: Man, we're going! T-Rex: My friend, tonight not only do we get to party, but we get to party while eating free delicious snacks! Utahraptor: Well take me off the shelf and put me in a plastic bag, because I'm sold! T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): Wait, what?

YES I KNOW 'MUCHAS' IS NOT THE CORRECT GENDER OF THE WORD BUT THAT'S JUST HOW WE ROLL

Narrator: T-REX HAS AUDITIONED FOR A PLAY. HE BELIEVES THE AUDITION WENT WELL, BUT HAS NOT BEEN AWARDED A PART. Narrator: LET'S WATCH! T-Rex: Rejected?! T-Rex: The heck?! I was way better than most of the people there! It's discrimination! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, I'm sorry, T-Rex! But how do you know it's discrimination? T-Rex: I was told that "someone of my *ahem* 'stature' didn't belong under stage lights". For crying out loud! Utahraptor: I'm sorry too, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's so aggravating! T-Rex: They wanted a short orange guy and I gave them a tall green guy, and they threw me to the curb! Utahraptor: I understand, and it's difficult to deal with! But sometimes actors do have to look the part they're playing. Narrator: LATER T-REX GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH FRIENDS: T-Rex (punchline): That was muchas delicious but did little to resolve the disparate issues raised by today's events!

that double "i believe that" in panel 3 is intentional. i was going to have an infinite number of "i believe that"s there, but i ran out of space :(((

T-Rex: I bet that if I was absolutely, universally honest and never told anyone even a tiny lie again, I'd become the most popular and respected dude ever! I would probably become known as “Cap’n Honest”. T-Rex: Good thing anything that ends up with someone getting a new nickname is worth doing! T-Rex: So! Dromiceiomimus, assuming you and I share the same general reference point, a similar set of aesthetics, plus senses and ways of interpreting those senses that can be trusted, it appears to be a very pleasant day today! Dromiceiomimus: Yes it does, T-Rex! T-Rex: I believe that I believe that it may or may not be a nice day for stomping on things. Yes! Utahraptor: I fear this plan of absolute honesty is doomed to failure, my friend! T-Rex: You do? Utahraptor: I’m afraid so! You’ll either end up saying nothing at all, or run the risk of saying something that could be false when viewed from another perspective! Eventually you’ll end up saying an untruth to SOMEONE. T-Rex: Oh, it's true! The only viable solution is to never speak again! Narrator: T-REX NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN... IN THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYTHING IS CRAZY! Off panel: I'm wearing underpants on my head AND passing my driver's test! Off panel (punchline): Isn't that SO crazy??

on the flight back from bc today, i sat beside this girl who had her headphones on with the music turned up, and she was bopping like crazy! she also snuck a hamburger onto the flight and when her bopping brought her head close to her burger, she took a bite. then she had a nap. i'll always remember you, crazy headphone burger girl

T-Rex: How come everything's so EXPENSIVE? T-Rex: Seriously everyone! How come? Dromiceiomimus: Everything's not THAT expensive, T-Rex. T-Rex: I don't know, Dromiceiomimus, everything seems pretty expensive to me! It's becoming clear though that my sense of what a good deal is froze when I was about fourteen years old. Inflation since then causes my sense of being ripped off to increase daily! Utahraptor: You're going to be a crotchety old man, my friend! T-Rex: Oh, it's already begun! T-Rex: Look at me, I'm complaining about the present by comparing it to how things were back in my day! I'm stereotypically OLD, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: How does it feel? T-Rex: Great, actually! T-Rex: I feel like eating food carefully AND interacting with technology in ways that would be embarrassing to any younger people I'm with! T-Rex (punchline): (Thereby fulfilling the stereotype as I understand it!)

infinite time is distinct from infinity time, which is actually what i like to shout in a deep baritone just before kissing someone

T-Rex: I just realized that if the universe lasts forever - infinitely forever - then anything that CAN happen WILL happen! It has to, because of infinite time! T-Rex: Infinite time! Kick ASS! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, isn't the current scientific thinking that the universe will expand forever, but in doing so become a lifeless frozen expanse just above absolute zero due to increases in entropy? T-Rex: But Dromiceiomimus - infinite time! That means that the possibilities are ENDLESS! There must be a timeframe where we're all pirates or whatever. Utahraptor: That's not necessarily the case, you know! T-Rex: Dude! INFINITE time. Things get CRAZY. Utahraptor: I understand the concept, T-Rex! But while it's true that things with small probabilities would be guaranteed to occur, things with zero probability still wouldn't take place, even with infinite time! And I don't see how you're going to get around the entropy problem. T-Rex: Yes, but - Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION YEARS LATER: T-Rex: - our understanding of entropy could be wrong! Off panel: Yes, but it's not rational to assume that's the case. T-Rex (punchline): That's true!

I CALL THIS WOMAN I KNOW CHAMP ALL THE TIME AND I GUESS WE'RE STILL FRIENDS OR WHATEVER

Narrator: HOW TO BE PATRONIZING T-Rex: Oh shoot, it's so easy! T-Rex: AND so fun! AND a recipe for a one-man party! T-Rex: Okay, so the first secret to being patronizing is to react to everything people do with an aloof amusement, as if it's so PRECIOUS that they did something all on their own. Aren't you just so SPECIAL, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Nobody wants to be patronized to, T-Rex. T-Rex: Aw, sure they do, Dromiceiomimus! Here, let me give you a pat on the head. You've earned it! T-Rex: Another great secret is to call people "Champ". Utahraptor: Seriously, T-Rex. Knock it off. T-Rex: What's up, Champ? Something bothering you? Utahraptor: God damn it, you're making everyone angry. Why are you even doing this in the first place? T-Rex: Don't you worry about it, Champ! Here, have some Lego. If you try super hard, you can get some to stick together! T-Rex (punchline): Aww, don't worry Champ! Not everyone gets it on their first try!

there's no real shorthand for 'thermos' i know of that isn't a brand name. 'vacuum flask'? 'dewar flask'? NO THANKS.

Narrator: THINGS T-REX DID THAT ONE TIME Narrator: ANSWERED THE PHONE IN THE NUDE: T-Rex: Hah hah! Yep! Narrator: PUSHED SOMEONE DOWN A SLIDE BEFORE THEY WERE READY: Dromiceiomimus: Really, you did that? That's very unkind! Were they alright? T-Rex: They were FINE. It's a slide! People are meant to fall down it! Narrator: TRIED TO HAVE A NAP IN THE SHOWER: Utahraptor: What made you think that was a good idea? T-Rex: I was tired? Narrator: LEFT A THERMOS FULL OF FOOD FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS, HOPING SOMEONE ELSE WOULD CLEAN IT OUT: Utahraptor: Man, I remember that thermos! What happened when you opened it? T-Rex: I don't know! It's in the attic. You can clean it out if you want! Narrator: DONATED MONEY TO AN ORGANIZATION TO HELP BUILD NEEDED INFRASTRUCTURE OVERSEAS: T-Rex: Aww! A touching ending! T-Rex (punchline): Also, this one time? I ate a whole lasagna before dinner but my parents got me in heaps of trouble.

i found this comic on my harddrive and i have no memory of writing it! hah hah hah, oh well!

T-Rex: Sociopaths view other people as obstacles. T-Rex: Isn't that WEIRD? T-Rex: Hah! There's a lot of crazy things about sociopaths. The whole callous unconcern for the feeling of others, incapacity to feel guilt and to profit from past experience, and disregard for social norms, for example! Utahraptor: Any particular reason you're talking about sociopaths? T-Rex: No reason! T-Rex: Certainly no SOCIOPATHIC reason, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Ok- T-Rex: Certainly no SOCIOPATHIC reason. T-Rex: Hah hah! Come'ere you, I was just fooling around! T-Rex (punchline): GIVE ME A HUG.

that's because some mornings i have to wake up surrounded by envelopes, each bearing tell-tale signs of pushing

T-Rex: Who is the best at eatin' cupcakes? The probable answer is T-Rex, because my goodness I ate seven cupcakes yesterday all in a row! T-Rex: And guys I wasn't even trying that hard! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! If that's the case, you're better at it than me! I start to feel sick after about five. T-Rex: Ah, Dromiceiomimus, that's actually "better at it than I". An easy way to remember the difference is to include the "to be" verb you're dropping: "better at it than I am" sounds right, while "better at it than me am" does not! Easy! Utahraptor: Geez, that was kind of rude, T-Rex! T-Rex: It wasn't meant to be! Utahraptor: Yeah, but it was. Correcting people's grammar in conversation is difficult to do without sounding like a jerk! T-Rex: It's true! Plus, you've got to be eternally vigilant with your own grammar, lest you mess up yourself. T-Rex: And yet, I do it freely!! That's because I live on the edge, Utahraptor. T-Rex (punchline): That's because, some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

the alternate ending to this comic had t-rex asking if he would win the argument if he just adopted a baby! he was going to name the baby 'hampsters champsters'.

T-Rex: I just got off a bus featuring the World's Cryiest Baby. Oh man, what a relief! T-Rex: Here's a tip: SOME babies need to learn to cry a little less! Dromiceiomimus: That's a terrible thing to say, T-Rex! You can't blame a BABY for crying! T-Rex: I know, I know! I was just a little irritable and making jokes. I don't actually blame the baby, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: But you sort of blame the baby though, right? T-Rex: No!! T-Rex: I just wish it'd cried less. I'm sure if the baby and I got to know each other, we could be friends! Utahraptor: Hah hah, you hate babies! T-Rex: No man! I love babies! Some of my best friends used to be babies! God: HEY EVERYONE T-REX HATES BABIES T-Rex: Why would you even say that?! I'm the only one that can hear you! God: HAH HAH God (punchline): ZING

t-rex went back in time to kill charles chaplin?

T-Rex: Hello everybody! I'm back in the present, after going way the heck back in time to kill a great dictator for the common good! T-Rex: Now, to convince my friends that I'm not coo-coo KRAZY! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm back from the past, where I've changed the timeline to remove someone bad from history! Isn't that PLAUSIBLE? Dromiceiomimus: Um - do you have any evidence? T-Rex: My only evidence is how incredibly plausible my story is. I would rate it: super plausible! Utahraptor: I find it pretty implausible that you'd return to a future where we all remember you just as you are! T-Rex: Oh yeah? T-Rex: Go ahead, ask me anything. I bet I'll get it wrong! Utahraptor: This is dumb. T-Rex: You know what's dumb? Not believing my incredibly plausible story! Narrator: MEANWHILE, SOMEONE ELSE HAS GONE BACK IN TIME TO KILL T-REX! T-Rex (punchline): WHAT THE HELL.

ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IF I HAVE DEVELOPED THE SKILLS NECESSARY FOR THE LEVEL WITH THE ALIENS IN 'TAPPER'

Devil: I BRING YOU NUMEROUS GREETINGS T-REX Devil: AND A QUESTION I WISH TO POSE TO YOU T-Rex: Aw man! What do you want? Narrator: T-REX AND THE DEVIL STAR IN: "ABANDONWARE ADVENTURES" Devil: I SIMPLY WISH TO ASCERTAIN YOUR OPINION ON CLASSIC GAMING EMULATION Devil: THERE ARE OFTEN CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH A GAME'S COMPANY HAS FOLDED BUT THE GAME ITSELF REMAINS POPULAR Devil: IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IS IT ETHICAL TO COPY AND EMULATE THE GAME IN QUESTION T-Rex: T-That's actually a really interesting question! Utahraptor: Which is, T-Rex? T-Rex: The question the Devil just asked me about "orphaned" games! T-Rex: It's actually just a subset of the larger problem of orphaned works still under copyright. How can such works be dealt with when it's impossible or prohibitively expensive to figure out who owns the rights? Utahraptor: Man, I'll leave you to it! I'm going elsewhere to have an INTERESTING conversation. T-Rex: But - copyright law as applied to software IS really interesting! Come on! Devil: I TOO WILL LEAVE FOR I MERELY WISH TO PLAY CLASSIC NES GAMES FOR FREE T-REX Devil (punchline): HOLY MOLEY

i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal!

T-Rex: I think I put too much symbolism into random encounters with people I meet on the street! I see them as a microcosm for larger society. T-Rex: It is a Problem with me! T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE: the other day I saw some kids who had dropped their bag of marbles. It was a stereotypical image of childhood! But when I stopped to help them pick them up, they said, "No, don't touch them please." T-Rex: Ouch, man! What went wrong? Can we no longer trust a stranger's helping hand? Utahraptor: Sure we can, T-Rex! T-Rex: Well, these kids couldn't! T-Rex: My mood was off for the rest of the day because of it. I was worrying about communities and stuff! Utahraptor: This IS the danger in seeing kids as symbols rather than as real people who just want to pick up their own marbles. Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO SOLVE ALL HIS PROBLEMS BY FOUNDING HIS OWN UTOPIAN COMMUNITY: T-Rex: It's actually been on my to-do list for a while now, if you can believe that. T-Rex (punchline): Everyone! Be just like me!

people are always like, ryan, your comic is so cerebral

T-Rex: As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I rolled over and discovered there was a bug in my bed! With me! Right on my pillow! T-Rex: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! Dromiceiomimus: That's so gross, T-Rex! What'd you do? T-Rex: Well, I ate it. Problem solved! T-Rex: Tada! Utahraptor: Ew, T-Rex! You don't know where that bug has been! T-Rex: Sure I do! T-Rex: I know it's been in my bed. Utahraptor: Yeah, but BEFORE that, it could have been anywhere! What if it was a poo bug? T-Rex: Aw man, do those exist? T-Rex: These bugs aren't made out of what I think they are, are they? T-Rex (punchline): Other poo bugs?

when people are waiting for justin tehnikov time, he always shows up just before they're about to leave, and the people waiting are like, wow, he's a bit of a dick

T-Rex: I've decided to write a story about my own team of superheroes. That's right! They're called... T-Rex: The Incr-- The Fant- The Sweet Dudes! T-Rex: So far I've got four people on the team. The first is Justin Time, who has time-based powers! The second is Justin Case, who can control probability. The third is Chix Diggit, who is an attractive dude if I do say so myself, and the last member is Tim Foresnax, who can eat a lot if he wants to! They fight crime and prejudice and have romantic (mis)adventures. Utahraptor: This seems a little derivative, T-Rex! T-Rex: Nope! It is 100% my creation! Utahraptor: Come on! "Justin Case"? "Justin Time"? Those are old names that weren't that funny to begin with. T-Rex: Well, Justin Time goes by his middle name, Tehnikov, because having two Justins on the team would be confusing. Get it? T-Rex: Their names sound like common phrases that people might say sometimes! "Just in the nick of time"? Hee hee! T-Rex (punchline): It's pretty implausible that someone named "Justin Time" would end up having temporal powers though.

i totally lifted this punchline from scott pilgrim vs. the world. you should read it! it is totally radical!

T-Rex: Time to make some Life Decisions, set some Life Goals! T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I am going to be a dude with direction! T-Rex: But this isn't just a ploy to seem more comely to members of the attractive sex! I really feel like I need a goal to work towards, something that I want to achieve. In the past I've always just gone with the flow! T-Rex: Go to school, okay, then university, okay, then get a job - Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: And then... work at that job or at better jobs as they come along, until I get married and later on die! THE END. Utahraptor: And you're hoping to avoid this by having Life Goals? T-Rex: Yep! Somehow! Narrator: T-REX'S LIFE GOALS: T-Rex: Get big and smart? T-Rex: Eat my weight in chocolate? T-Rex (punchline): Learn how to fly rockets or something?

horace fletcher was basically a dude who said that you should chew each bite of food 32 times each (one bite for each tooth), and people at the time said, okay, i guess that makes sense, and then fletcher got the nickname 'the great masticator' but later on he died anyway

T-Rex: I went through a document of 100 million English words and counted each of them. You'll never guess what the most-often-used verb form in the English language is! T-Rex: It's "is"! T-Rex: The second-most-often used is "was", then "be" and "are" and "have" and "had". Dromiceiomimus: These are all pretty boring words, T-Rex. Most are just forms of the same verb! T-Rex: This is not my fault! People just talk about being and having a lot. What we need to do is spice up our conversations with more interesting verbs! Utahraptor: Hey, let's start doing this right now! T-Rex: YES. Motion passes! Utahraptor: Okay! So, um... let's- fletcherize? T-Rex: Dude, that's not a conversation! That's just using a Victorian-era verb (which means to chew one's food thoroughly) without any context! Utahraptor: Well - I was asking if you wanted to chew your food thoroughly, that's all! T-Rex: Oh, okay! I guess I do, a little. T-Rex (punchline): D-Do you want to do it at your place or mine?

'it's very embarrassing and sometimes i require medical attention' is one of those phrases i would have liked to get through life without saying, if possible

T-Rex: One of the great myths of our time is that the trick to becoming good at something is to practice it over and over. T-Rex: I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree!! T-Rex: PROOF BY COUNTEREXAMPLE: I have probably been practicing eating hundreds of thousands of times! And yet, sometimes I screw it up. Practice clearly hasn't helped me here, because I should be super awesome at eating by now! Dromiceiomimus: You screw it up? T-Rex: I choke! It goes down the wrong tube or whatever. It's very embarrassing and sometimes I require medical attention. Utahraptor: Well, to be fair, there's a difference between practicing eating and just doing it many times over many years, T-Rex! Utahraptor: When you're practicing, you're more aware of what you're doing, examining your own actions with an eye for improvement. It's a focus one doesn't have while simply eating as a matter of routine! T-Rex: Perhaps it's a focus YOU don't have, dude! You forget that I am extremely intense. T-Rex: And I can prove it, too! Ask me how my day was. Off panel: Okay, how was your day? T-Rex (punchline): FRIGGIN' INTENSE!

'i hate that guy so much right now' was a line in a preview screening of napoleon dynamite i saw last year, one that was cut from the final film and also apparently the dvd. it is a very catchy phrase that people probably would've been quoting all last summer like they were 'it's like a lion and a tiger mixed'. a search for the phrase on google returns zero results! it is the pete best of catchphrases.

T-Rex: Time to check up on that utopian society I founded! I bet everything is totally perfect there in Utopia Land. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: They MOVED?! T-Rex: My utopian society moved, Dromiceiomimus! They moved away! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean? T-Rex: Just that! They packed up everything they could and moved somewhere else, and it's not somewhere nearby! They clearly thought things would be more utopic if they moved further away from ME. Argh! I hate those guys so much right now! Utahraptor: But maybe they didn't move, T-Rex! Maybe they just DISAPPEARED! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: They're a utopian society, right? But the term "utopia" is a neologistic pun in Greek! There, depending on how the word is pronounced ("eu" or "ou"), it means EITHER 'good place' OR 'no place'. In English the "u" handles both these sounds, so 'utopia' actually contains both these meanings! T-Rex: That's ridiculous! They didn't phase out of existence for the sake of a pun. You're just using this as an excuse to cram an etymology lesson in where it doesn't belong! T-Rex (punchline): Colour me impressed!

that's right, i wrote 'to to lie to them' and i believe it to be grammatical

T-Rex: Okay, so I take a picture of myself with my digital camera put it on my computer, and then digitally alter it. I make it appear like I'm snowboarding or meeting famous people or something! Something that is at least PLAUSIBLE. T-Rex: Then, I upload the altered image back to my camera, thereby forming the Perfect Prank! T-Rex: Now, all I have to do is show people the pictures on my camera, and they'll assume they're authentic because you can't alter a photo like that in-camera! I will exploit the expectation that most people only copy images from, and not to, their digital cameras for comedic effect! Tee hee! T-Rex: People will fall for this for sure! Utahraptor: Okay, but which people? Utahraptor: You've just explained the prank to both Dromiceiomimus and myself, dude! Do you have other friends that you're close enough to to LIE to them like this? T-Rex: I sure do, baby! T-Rex: Hey God! Check out these awesome pictures I got on my camera! God: OKAY T-REX BUT YOU KNOW I AM AWARE OF EVERYTHING EVER RIGHT T-Rex (punchline): Okay nevermind.

I WOULD LIKE TO SWITCH TO THE TOPIC ABOUT SEXY STUFFS

T-Rex: So who here wants to TALK ABOUT FEELINGS? Wooo! Everyone loves a dude who talks about feelings, right? T-Rex: Feelings: let's talk about them! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, how do you FEEL today? Dromiceiomimus: Fine, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey, I feel fine too! Would you like to talk about it for a few hours because that's always a good idea? Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, no thanks! T-Rex: Secretly, neither would I! High fives!! Utahraptor: Hey, did I overhear that we're talking about feelings? T-Rex: You probably did, my friend! Utahraptor: Great - listen, I'm sorry I've been a bit snippy lately; I've just been a little stressed out about some things at home. T-Rex: Oh, um, I was sort of making fun of talking about feelings, but we can actually talk about them too. This is because I am a Good Friend! T-Rex: A good friend who keeps such conversations in strict confidence, no less! So, tell me about your problems. Off panel: Well, as I was saying- T-Rex (punchline): Do you have any problems with sexy stuffs?

did you know 'beggars' is spelt with an 'a'? i'd been spelling it 'beggers' for years. who knew? answer: not me, obviously.

T-Rex: I was asked for money on the street today, and after I gave what change I had, I was told quite aggressively by the guy that it wasn't enough! This can only mean that it's time once again to discuss everyone's favourite topic... T-Rex: Panhandling! T-Rex: And it's a tricky issue! Giving money to beggars can be helpful, but some feel it encourages bad behaviour and undermines the work of social support organizations. Plus there is always the rumour of beggars who take home hundreds of dollars a day! On the other hand, there may well be people for whom begging is the only means of support they have. Utahraptor: You're sure using a lot of qualifiers there, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's intentional! T-Rex: I really don't know much about panhandling, and a lot of people feel very strongly about it. I don't know! I usually try to learn more about things by doing them, but if I panhandled I'd be a total poseur. Utahraptor: I bet if *I* did it I'd be way more of a poseur than you! T-Rex: Man, you're on! T-Rex: Wait! T-Rex (punchline): This belittles us both!!

there was a brief period in 1996, only a few months, when you could order stuff for free online, and not everyone knew about it, and it would come in the mail a few weeks later, and then you were like, wow, look at all this free stuff i got, i guess i should probably try it out or something.

Narrator: THINGS THAT T-REX HAS GOTTEN FOR FREE IN THE MAIL COMICS Narrator: PANTYHOSE (2 PAIR): T-Rex: I gave them to my mother for her birthday! What a good son! Narrator: INTERNET OSTRICH MEAT STICKS: T-Rex: Hmmm... they tasted like regular meat sticks, I guess! Dromiceiomimus: What do those taste like? T-Rex: Like spicy leather? I wouldn't have eaten them under normal circumstances, but, you know, free internet ostrich meat. Narrator: BREAKFAST SHAKES: Utahraptor: And how did that taste? T-Rex: They were so vile. I literally could not understand it. Narrator: DEPENDS™ BRAND ADULT DIAPERS: Utahraptor: Did you try them? Did they work?? T-Rex: ONLY BRIEFLY. It turns out they're meant for the elderly, not for virile young dudes! They don't say this on the package though. T-Rex: Nooo way. Narrator: A BEANIE CAP WITH A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PROPELLER ON TOP: Off panel: How come you don't wear it? T-Rex: 'Cause it's a beanie cap with a glow-in-the-dark propeller on top? T-Rex (punchline): [small] Also I think I broke the propeller.

I CAN NEVER BE CERTAIN IF MY ONLINE COMPATRIOTS ARE MERELY EMPLOYING SARCASM WHEN RESPONDING TO MY EL OH ELS

Devil: T-REX I HAVE BEGUN TO EMPLOY NUMBERS AND SYMBOLS IN LIEU OF ACTUAL LETTERS IN ONLINE ENCOUNTERS Devil: AS AN EXAMPLE BACKSLASH LETTER O FORWARDSLASH Devil: INDICATES HOORAY T-Rex: Okay! Thanks for that! Devil: IT SEEMS A LOT OF GAMERS USE THIS OR AT LEAST A LOT OF PORTRAYALS OF GAMERS IN THE MEDIA Devil: IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL WHERE THE TRUTH LIES T-Rex: Does it really matter which idiolect you use? Devil: OF COURSE IT DOES I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I'M LAME Devil: I ASSURE YOU Devil: I AM SIGNIFICANTLY AWESOME T-Rex: Well, why don't you just check to see what others are doing? Utahraptor: Talking to the Devil? T-Rex: Yeah. He's worried he won't look cool in front of his fellow gamers if he speaks with numbers in place of letters? Utahraptor: Is that what they do in hell? Play video games all the time? Devil: ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY "PARTY" T-Rex: That doesn't sound so bad! Devil (punchline): YES WELL THAT'S WHY I INVENTED THE PLACE T-REX

[ ] understand what it's like to give birth a child and to hold that child in your arms [x] feel what it would be like to be the last person on earth, surrounded by the decaying remains of civilization [ ] three chicks

T-Rex: Hey, who wants to come with me to sneak around in abandoned buildings? T-Rex: I know you want to, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe I do, actually! What's this about? T-Rex: It's urban exploration! We poke around in abandoned factories and schools and mental institutions and stuff, but not to steal things, just to look at how things have changed since the building was in use. It's awesome! You see old bathtubs and all sorts of stuff! Dromiceiomimus: Alright! Count me in! Utahraptor: Is this like infiltration? T-Rex: Yeah, man! T-Rex: The difference is that infiltration includes exploring buildings that ARE currently is use, like subway systems and stuff, going places you're not supposed to go. We're only going to buildings that haven't been in use for years. It's more like trespassing! Utahraptor: Count me in too! What could possibly go wrong? Narrator: NOTHING! EVERYONE HAS A GREAT TIME AND TAKES SOME AMAZING PICTURES: T-Rex: Hooray! We got to feel what it would be like to be the last person on earth, surrounded by the decaying remains of civilization. T-Rex (punchline): (One more thing checked off on my lifetime 'To-Do' list!)

panel 4 really raises more questions than it answers

Narrator: T-REX STAYS UP FOR 41 HOURS IN THIS COMIC: T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content. Time to mix things up by staying awake for 41 hours! T-Rex: It's going to be great! This is the best idea ev- Narrator: HOUR 20: T-Rex: I'd never want to eat polluted excited pork meat, Dromiceiomimus. I just invented it and I never want to eat it. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! T-Rex: Just think about it! "Polluted"? Eww!! And what does "excited" mean when applied to meat? It just raises too many questions. T-Rex: I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. Narrator: HOUR 26: Utahraptor: What's it like being awake for over a day? T-Rex: Last night I ate lots of pears by mistake. Narrator: HOUR 34: T-Rex: What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this! Utahraptor: I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it. T-Rex: Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers? Narrator: HOUR 40: T-REX'S HEART SKIPS A BEAT T-Rex: Ahh! Oh my God! THAT WAS NOT EXCITING OR ROMANTIC AT ALL!! T-Rex (punchline): I would have words with the people in charge of aphorisms!

this linguistic theory is actually called the sapir-whorf hypothesis, not the t-rex/utahraptor hypothesis. i KNOW. i am working on it.

T-Rex: Does language alter the way we think? Sources say: perhaps! T-Rex: This source says: DEFINITELY YES. T-Rex: I think it's a subtle but pervasive effect! If a language doesn't have a word for something, I think I'm less likely to think about whatever it is that word would refer to. For instance, in English we have words for "friends", but what if we had a single word for the phrase "friends who deserve pie more often"? I bet I'd consider buying people more pies! Utahraptor: You're saying that if we had words for these things, people would think of them more often? T-Rex: Yeah! Utahraptor: Well, I agree, but I think you're confusing cause and effect! As things become more prominent, they move to become words. Like "electronic mail" becoming "e-mail" and finally "email" - that was due to email becoming more popular, not because people were creating the word in order to MAKE it more popular. You know? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S NO WORD FOR LOVE: T-Rex: Aww, I really respect you and wish to spend more time with you in a romantic fashion, too! T-Rex (punchline): TIME FOR MUTUAL KISSES.

i am so new to the world

T-Rex: You know how vanilla extract smells really good, but tastes really gross when you drink it? T-Rex: I think this is very symbolic for... something! T-Rex: Maybe it's symbolic for love? Great in moderation, but you can ruin it by taking too much (i.e., smothering the person with affection)? Dromiceiomimus: It's a little forced! How about symbolic for our generation's sexual politics, in ways I think are pretty clear? T-Rex: It's a possibility, I guess! Hmmm... Utahraptor: Are we seriously trying to come up with things that vanilla extract is symbolic for? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Okay - why vanilla extract? T-Rex: I don't know. Vanilla extract! Not many people talk about it, so I thought... I thought I'd be the first? Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: [small] t-rex, i am a talking bottle of vanilla extract T-Rex: That's a little weird, but okay! Off panel (punchline): [small] can you tell people about me though

SO ANYWAY THE ETHIC OF RECIPROCITY SEEMS TO BE THE MORAL FOUNDATION OF MOST WORLD RELIGIONS, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT HUH

T-Rex: Ah, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! T-Rex: Pretty crazy! T-Rex: Following this rule, I could feed my vegetarian friends delicious steak sandwiches, because that's what I'd like! Mmm-mmm delicious! Dromiceiomimus: Well, no, T-Rex, because you probably wouldn't want to be fed something YOU didn't like. T-Rex: Aha, so much for the golden rule! There's a lot of other awesome variants anyway. Utahraptor: Wait - are you really abandoning the ethic of reciprocity? T-Rex: APPARENTLY, dude! T-Rex: Now I'm all about "Do unto others AS they do unto you". Notice the lack of a "would have". Actually, NOW I'm all about "do unto others before they do unto you." No wait! "Do unto others at the same time as they are doing unto you". That one is about doing things together with friends, I think! T-Rex (punchline): I notice you are leaving! Could my conversational stylings be partially to blame??

t-rex acts as sort of an impartial third-party go-between for people on earth, and, uh, the moon

T-Rex: You know what makes me irrationally angry? It's people who say the moon landing was faked! T-Rex: ARGH! I am getting angry just thinking about it! Dromiceiomimus: It's not like you to respond so emotionally to something like this, T-Rex! Why don't you just respond to their points and disprove their claims? T-Rex: Because it feels useless! Because most of these people just want to take one of the most transcendental achievements of our time and belittle it any way they can. They're not interested in facts! Utahraptor: Whoah, so instead of attacking the position, we attack the person? T-Rex: No! Well, yes! T-Rex: I don't know! It's just that we're in a special place in history now, where it still matters that we've been to the moon. Once moon travel becomes routine people won't care so much, but right now, the landings are unique. They're still special. Utahraptor: How's that? You've been to the moon like two times yourself! T-Rex: Man, I don't count! I was talking about OFFICIAL visits to the moon. Mine were in a strictly UNofficial capacity. T-Rex (punchline): You have my assurances!

so after i wrote this comic i realized that i hadn't heard a 'confucius say' joke in years. maybe they've finally been relegated to crappy joke books and greeting cards? i hope so. if that is the case, i am sorry for reminding everyone. and that's JOKES EXPLAINED EXPLAINED

Narrator: JOKES EXPLAINED PRESENTS: "CONFUCIUS SAY" T-Rex: This vaguely-racist form of comedy relies upon the double-entendre! It narrates the advice of a man called "Confucius" who delivers many a "bon mot". T-Rex: For example: "Confucius say... man who run in front of car get tired!" T-Rex: Ho ho! Did you catch the comedy there? There are two meanings in that phrase! If you didn't get it, don't worry - the key to emulating understanding is often just to repeat the last word or phrase. Fake a laugh, say "Hah! TIRED." and you will be SET. Utahraptor: Was there a real-life Confucius, T-Rex, or is he merely a convenient fictional device? T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: As you know, there was in fact a real Confucius. He lived in the 5th century in Ancient China (then called "China") and was and is an incredibly well-respected philosopher! Utahraptor: Indeed! T-Rex: So yeah, you've got to be careful, because the real Confucius said many non-hilarious things. T-Rex: Phrases like "they who know the truth are not equal to those who love it" are not meant to be laughed at! SO DON'T EVEN TRY. T-Rex (punchline): To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

those poo bugs, man.

T-Rex: Some larger cities are plagued by advertising trucks: trucks paid to just drive around in the downtown core with giant advertising placards mounted on the back. The hell? I disagree with this in the strongest way possible! T-Rex: And generally I'm a seriously easy-going dude! T-Rex: They're just so WRONG. They're causing unnecessary pollution in an area that already probably has problems with air quality, PLUS, they're congesting the road and making our cities more corporate and less beautiful. They're ugly, and the whole idea is self-centred, and thoughtless, and the worst kind of capitalism. Utahraptor: Oh man, those ad trucks piss ME off too! T-Rex: Really? You don't think I'm going overboard? Utahraptor: Not at all! It's aggressive advertising that intrudes on our public spaces, and since it adds to congestion on the roads, ACTUALLY MAKES PEOPLE'S LIVES QUANTIFIABLY WORSE. The time lost stuck behind an ad truck can be traced directly to some jerk who thought his message was more important than minutes from your LIFE. God: SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO T-Rex: Then why don't you do anything about it? God: I HAVE MAN God: ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD God (punchline): ZING

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TROUBLE BEING: there is embedded advice for you in panel five. also! this is the second time i've written 'bitches' in my comic. I KNOW. here is a ryan north secret to comedy: once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

T-Rex: I've written a draft of a new book! The book is called, "How To Be Awesome". T-Rex: I know! It's totally the book I was meant to write! T-Rex: In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times. Dromiceiomimus: You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word 'awesome' a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited? T-Rex: You're right! I'm not certain if overusing 'awesome' is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue! Utahraptor: So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about? T-Rex: Um... it's called - "How to Be"? T-Rex: And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times. T-Rex: Hey. It'll rule. Narrator: "HOW TO BE" FAILS TO RULE IN AT LEAST FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS: T-Rex: I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. T-Rex (punchline): Live and learn, bitches!

there's a shout out to all you magic 8 balls in the audience in panel 2

T-Rex: My stars, do I ever love documentary films. The best form of filmmaking? T-Rex: As I see it, yes! T-Rex: What I've come to love is the tension between filmmaker and subject, the way editing can so easily be used to slip the filmmaker's politics into the film. The veneer of realism, the claim of legitimacy - ooh! It's all so GOOD. There's politics in every film, sure, but only documentary makes the claim of truth, and it's THAT claim that makes it all so interesting. Utahraptor: You're still on about documentary film? T-Rex: Dude! It's SO GOOD. T-Rex: My favourite are the extended takes, where you ask your subject a question, they answer it, and then you hold the camera on them for a good ten seconds afterwards while they glance around and look ridiculous. Utahraptor: It is a great way to subtly undermine your subject without saying a word. T-Rex: Yep. T-That's what I think! T-Rex: I- T-Rex (punchline): Um.

i like how t-rex assumes god would see merit to both sides of the issue. it's fair, i guess!

T-Rex: Intelligent design (or ID) is the idea that while we may begin to understand the Universe through science, it is actually created with divine intent. Evolution is not the chaotic product of random mutations, but rather, intentional. T-Rex: Much as a watch implies a watchmaker, so does our Universe imply divinity! T-Rex: Okay! It's a very nice idea, but it's not science because it's not disprovable: you either believe in intelligent design or you don't, and there's no way to show who's right. That's not science - that's faith! Dromiceiomimus: And should faith be held to the rigors of the scientific method? T-Rex: Of course not! Utahraptor: The issue is that some think ID should be taught in schools as an alternative to evolution, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: But there's nothing in ID (as I've formulated it) to say that the two can't exist peacefully. One just doesn't belong in science class, because it's not a science. It belongs in religion class. Utahraptor: Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this? God: I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX T-Rex: He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue? God (punchline): THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID

diplodocus were those huge dinosaurs with the big bodies and tiny heads. professor science is basically a diplodocus with one of those square graduation hats on him.

T-Rex: Things sure would be different if one day, the speed of light slowed down to something like half a meter per second for some reason. T-Rex: Yes indeedy! T-Rex: For one, games of hide-and-go-seek would be more complicated. Also if you were a long-distance runner, it would be difficult to run because when you went faster than light you couldn't see where you were going. Dromiceiomimus: Is that true? T-Rex: I think so. Maybe? Utahraptor: I think you'd still be able to see things, actually! T-Rex: How's that? Utahraptor: Well, light can be thought of as a particle, right? And so it's like - if rain was falling really slowly, and you were running through it, you'd hit more particles than you would if you were standing still. I think that's how it would work. T-Rex: You know what? I'm not even certain if it's possible to travel faster than light. I'm going to ask Professor Science. Off panel: Aw man, that guy's a rube! T-Rex (punchline): Dude, he's a diplodocus with one of those square graduation hats on him! WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE?

can you imagine how frustrating it would be to believe people should go to class, but live in a universe where nobody goes to class? it would probably begin to interfere with other aspects of your life as well.

Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX THINKS EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO CLASS, BUT NOBODY IS GOING TO CLASS: T-Rex: Why isn't anyone attending their classes? Guys! Class is on! It's time to go to class! T-Rex: What the heck is wrong with everyone in this Universe? T-Rex: I just don't understand why nobody is going to class. Narrator: THE END Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE GOES TO CLASS BUT T-REX: Utahraptor: You're late for class, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dude, you know what I say? I say, "forget class!". Utahraptor: You can't say that! Class is important! Class is really important. T-Rex: Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! T-Rex: Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! T-Rex (punchline): My philosophy - she has her limitations.

imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

T-Rex: Today, I am selling compliments! T-Rex: ...for PROFIT! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I have some very special compliments for sale. Would you like to buy a compliment, gorgeous? (That one is on the house!) Dromiceiomimus: No thank you, T-Rex! I don't buy my compliments. T-Rex: An insult, AND an implication that my business model is not sound! Utahraptor: Hey, can I buy a compliment, T-Rex? T-Rex: You - really? Sure! T-Rex: I was sort of expecting that you'd point out flaws of my home business, but sure, I'd be glad to sell you one! Utahraptor: Okay! What can I get for one dollar? T-Rex: I can hook you up with an "Attaboy Special", which includes a five word compliment and a firm handshake. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: You are a good dude! Off panel: I want my money back. T-Rex (punchline): SUDDENLY YOU ARE NOT SUCH A GOOD DUDE.

t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

T-Rex: I have accomplished much today and it's not even noon yet! I feel as if I could take on anything and anyone and succeed! T-Rex: And ladies, I am all about putting theories into practice! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Give me a challenge! Dromiceiomimus: Sing the alphabet! T-Rex: Something DIFFICULT. Dromiceiomimus: Jump to the moon! T-Rex: Something difficult yet possible, Dromiceiomimus! My stars! This is like a 1920s comedy routine without the punchline. T-Rex: Man, anyway! I'll come up with my own incredible challenge. Utahraptor: I've got one for you! Utahraptor: How about you go TWO DAYS without stomping on anyone or anything? This is my challenge to you. T-Rex: Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. T-Rex: ! T-Rex (punchline): Is that racist??

t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

T-Rex: Learning a language is hard! It is especially hard with your first language, when you're a baby who has to figure out an entire grammar and vocabulary just from what people say to you. T-Rex: It's not just hard: in fact, it may well be impossible! T-Rex: It turns out that natural languages are so complex that we probably can't figure out all their rules just from hearing words spoken around us, but we CAN approximate these rules and get very close. So the result is we (as learners) end up speaking a language we're able to communicate with, but which is slightly different than those that surround us! Utahraptor: How slight a difference are we talking about here? T-Rex: That depends on the learner, I guess! T-Rex: Rules that are used everyday are going to be more fixed, because there's more of a chance somebody will correct you. But less-frequent parts will be more malleable, which explains why languages evolve so quickly! Utahraptor: Because a language is never passed down, just an approximation of a language. T-Rex: Yep! Of course this has changed a little with the advent of grammar books and formal schooling, but it's still there. For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging! Off panel: Really? You think 'tenet' is- T-Rex (punchline): Screw you!!

the campaign was one of those 'i'll put up posters myself' sort of things

Narrator: T-REX AS CULTURAL CRITIC: T-Rex: What's with mainstream music nowadays? It's all so BAD. If I wanted facile lyrics, I would just write them myself and make sure not to try very hard! T-Rex: All the music I hear on the radio has lyrics by Timmy! T-Rex: Plus I saw this painting of a woman the other day, and it was clear that the painter had no idea what he was doing! It's as if someone just described to him in passing what a woman looked like, and he was all, "I got it, guys!" Everything was just a little off. It was a portrait by Timmy! Utahraptor: Who is this "Timmy" guy? T-Rex: He's a rhetorical dude! T-Rex: He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude! Utahraptor: T-Rex! All you're going to do IN THE BEST CASE is ruin the name of real people called "Timmy"! T-Rex: Man, I already did that before with my safe-sex campaign! Remember? "It is almost certain that you will contract STDs from guys named Timmy"? T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Ouch for Timmy!

it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

T-Rex: Oh my goodness, I feel sick to my stomach today. I woke up and I felt sick to my stomach already. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is "Heck yes!" Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT: T-Rex: I don't understand it! I was not around any sick people. I did not eat any bad food. And yet, ouch, my stomach! Dromiceiomimus: What did you have for dinner last night? T-Rex: I had ten whole chickens, Dromiceiomimus. Mmm-MMM! Utahraptor: Well, there's your problem, my friend! T-Rex: No way! T-Rex: They were very delicious chickens. I would eat them all again, given the chance. Utahraptor: Yeah, but you shouldn't just have chicken for dinner, T-Rex. You need BALANCE in your diet. Nutrition, man! You know about nutrition. Narrator: CONFESSION TIME! T-Rex: Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. T-Rex (punchline): [small] I - I got caught.

if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though! RUH ROH

T-Rex: Oh goodness, cryptography. It's really interesting! T-Rex: Specifically, trapdoor functions are SUPER interesting! Times two! T-Rex: These are functions that are easy to compute but difficult to reverse-engineer - unless you have the secret 'trapdoor' information. For example, the product of two prime numbers (p and q) is not hard to figure out if you know their values (it's just multiplication!), but if all you have is the answer, n, guessing what p and q are can take a really long time. T-Rex: And yeah, functions like this are a basis of cryptography! Utahraptor: How's that? T-Rex: Well, say I send n to you, and you know what the secret value of p is. There's a chance my message might be intercepted by a bad guy. But this dude will only know n, not p! Utahraptor: So I'll be able to figure out q easily, knowing what n and p are, but this guy will be totally stumped! T-Rex: Yep! Of course, all this lets us do is communicate a prime number q in secret to each other. But you can probably do even more things with trapdoor functions! Off panel: Probably? T-Rex (punchline): I'm almost certain!

t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.

T-Rex: Here is a startling thought: what if the things I believe in are wrong? T-Rex: I'm serious! This is a big concern for me! T-Rex: It's the reason I've never really attended any political marches - I can only rarely convince myself that I believe in something SO MUCH that those who don't share my beliefs are wrong, and need to be publicly convinced otherwise! I'm always conscious that I may one day look back on my present-day self and shake my head. Utahraptor: So you're left with paralyzed middle-of-the-road beliefs? T-Rex: Not necessarily! T-Rex: I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks! Utahraptor: Wait - you believe in racism? T-Rex: No, man! T-Rex: I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! T-Rex (punchline): Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist.

alternate ending: god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them! god: WELL THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

T-Rex: Here is a list of things that were once totally cool and remain so: T-Rex: Flappers! T-Rex: And this is where my list derails so that I can talk about flappers. Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great! Dromiceiomimus: I got that, yeah! Utahraptor: Could it be you have a CRUSH on flappers, my friend? T-Rex: It could well be, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: And it doesn't concern you that you have a crush on an extinct social group just because of their sweet slang? T-Rex: Nope! It gives me hope, because one day I could meet someone who actually talked like a flapper, and then we could get married! Narrator: A FEW YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Man, what was I talking about? It was a terrible idea to marry someone just because of her cool slang! T-Rex (punchline): I really need to think long and hard about my life decisions.

joey comeau of asofterworld.com had this great idea for a tattoo: one of those sailor's hearts with a woman's name in a banner across it, but you leave the banner BLANK. is that not brilliant? you could write in the names of women you meet at parties in pen and impress them with your élan.

T-Rex: Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool! Narrator: T-REX'S BIG TATTOO Dromiceiomimus: How would it go disastrously wrong? T-Rex: Oh, you know - the usual. I get a tattoo of some figure in popular culture and it turns out that figure is a crazy racist. We've all been there, right? T-Rex: We've probably all been there. Utahraptor: Hey, I've got a great idea, T-Rex: let's get tattoos together! T-Rex: Like, twin tattoos? Utahraptor: No, like we both get tattoos at the same time - for moral support. Twin tattoos? You were thinking we'd each get separate halves of the yin yang symbol or something? T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I was! Hah hah! That WOULD be pretty crazy. T-Rex: We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? T-Rex (punchline): Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

HAHA SEEMS LIKE 1997 WAS A GOOD YEAR EH T-REX

God: TIME TO TELL PEOPLE SOME EMBARRASSING SECRETS T-REX T-Rex: Aw man, I don't want to tell anyone my few remaining embarrassing secrets! Come on. God: SERIOUSLY IT'LL BE A HOOT T-Rex: No! God: DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARRASSING SECRETS God: IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN God: FOR ME God: GOD T-Rex: Okay! Okay, FINE. I'll tell ONE embarrassing secret and that's it! T-Rex: But all you're getting is one secret, no more! Utahraptor: Who's getting a secret? T-Rex: Apparently, you are! And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time. I just really liked the song. I remember being afraid I'd hum it afterwards! Utahraptor: Hahahah! You get knocked down, but you get up again! T-Rex: Now don't go around telling that secret to anyone else, okay? Off panel: I already sent it out over the news wires! T-Rex (punchline): THAT WAS SO IMPROBABLY FAST!

cheese it!!

Narrator: T-REX HAS DECIDED TO STALK SOMEONE: T-Rex: I've decided to stalk a friend! Hah hah, why not? I will be the person they least suspect! T-Rex: This is because I'm violating the understood limits of our friendship! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm going to let you in on a secret, okay? I have decided to stalk Utahraptor! Can you help me out? Dromiceiomimus: I can, and I will! This is all in good fun, right? T-Rex: RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him. Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex, I think I've got a stalker! T-Rex: Hee! That's too bad! Utahraptor: Yeah, it's not actually that bad a deal yet. This guy just calls me and tells me he knows where I live, and I'm like, okay, and then he giggles and hangs up. I think he's new to this. Sometimes a woman calls too. T-Rex: Hee hee! Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: CONSEQUENCES! T-Rex (punchline): Cheese it, the fuzz!

it was one of those 'i bet you can't lick your elbow' type bets that t-rex shouldn't have fallen for, but that's not really important to the story right now.

T-Rex: Tonight is Hallowe'en, and that means... T-Rex: ...treats! Hooray! T-Rex: Hooray for treats! Dromiceiomimus: Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex? T-Rex: Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarrassment. Utahraptor: You'll miss out on seeing all the costumes of the kids who come to your house! T-Rex: That's okay! Utahraptor: You'll also miss out on the Hallowe'en party we're having after the trick-or-treaters are gone! T-Rex: I'll just be late, that's all! Late with my PILLOWCASE FULL OF CANDY. Utahraptor: Man! There's a reason adults don't go trick-or-treating! Narrator: THAT NIGHT, AT THE PARTY: T-Rex: Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick -or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! T-Rex (punchline): It has been a night of revelation!

hah hah, seriously guys! seriously?

T-Rex: Is it possible to have too many friends? T-Rex: The answer is "Definitely yes!" T-Rex: This is because if you were friends with EVERYONE ever in the history of time, you'd have so many people who'd expect you to talk with them on the phone and hang out with them and stuff, and there's only so many hours in a day! Eventually you'd end up snubbing at least SOME of them, which is bad. T-Rex: Therefore, yes, it is possible to have too many friends! Utahraptor: You know, talking like this risks backlash, T-Rex! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Well, few people worry about having too many friends, and those who feel like they could maybe use some more friends might become resentful. It's not the sort of thing you go looking for sympathy about. T-Rex: I don't have too many friends! I was speaking hypothetically! T-Rex: I could use some more friends, actually. I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money! T-Rex (punchline): I was like "Hah hah, what?"

PARDON ME, SIRS AND LADIES????

Narrator: THE DAY DROMICEIOMIMUS INVITED PEOPLE TO A PARTY TOO EARLY Narrator: (in comic form!) T-Rex: Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today! Narrator: BUT THEN...! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to hang out on New Year's Eve? T-Rex: What? But it's barely November. You're planning this now? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! It's not going to be that big of a party, but I thought people might be in high demand, so I'm asking now. T-Rex: I - I guess I don't have any other plans! T-Rex: Huh! That was weird! Utahraptor: What was? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus invited me to a party like two months in advance! But - more weird was that I was actually musing about not wanting to be prematurely invited to any parties just before she spoke to me. It's incredible. Utahraptor: That's so unlikely. It's such a weird thing to worry about. T-Rex: I know! I'm freaking out over here. This is me: T-Rex: HUH??? CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THE CONFLUX OF THESE TWO EVENTS?? T-Rex (punchline): That's seriously me right now!

c-comrade!

T-Rex: You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning! T-Rex: Yes indeed! I have decided to become AUTODIDACTIC. T-Rex: This means that I eschew formal schooling and learn on my own terms at my own pace, Dromiceiomimus! I learn things that interest me and don't rely on someone else to tell me what I should and should not know. Dromiceiomimus: Didn't you graduate years ago? T-Rex: Shhh! Utahraptor: Hey, why are you setting up learning on your own and learning in a classroom as opposites? Utahraptor: It's not like you can't do both! Learning is learning, and some ways work better for some people. T-Rex: Well, I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new "damn the man" persona! T-Rex: I can demonstrate, my friend! Ask me where I picked up a word like "autodidacticism"! Off panel: Where'd you pick up a word like "autodidacticism"? T-Rex (punchline): Not from any SCHOOL!

you're doing it wrong!

T-Rex: Nobody can kiss me today, because I'm sick. T-Rex: Sorry, LADIES! T-Rex: While you may have wanted a smooch just now, Dromiceiomimus, you can't have one because I'm sick! I have a cold. Dromiceiomimus: That's alright - I'm sure I'll survive somehow. T-Rex: M- Maybe tomorrow? Utahraptor: Is this a new kind of come-on for you, T-Rex? T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: It is! I bet you're just trying to play "hard to get". And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR! T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: But, I'm ALSO creating an artificial shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now? Off panel: Nope! T-Rex (punchline): Try harder!

all we can do now is lick our wounds and OH GEEZ

T-Rex: There are a lot of problems in the world! Someone ought to do something. T-Rex: Wait a second! T-Rex: I'M someone!! T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, I'M going to do something about all the problems. Dromiceiomimus: Great attitude, T-Rex! And I'm sure people already working on problems will appreciate the help. Which problem(s) are you going to focus on? T-Rex: Uh... all of them? Utahraptor: Might help to focus on one or two of them. T-Rex: Of COURSE! Utahraptor - that's IT! T-Rex: There's BILLIONS of people alive right now, and surely - SURELY - there's not actually BILLIONS of problems. If everyone take one problem each and solve it, then it won't be a lick of work! And then we could have this licked lickety-split! Off panel: Great, I'll take solving the problem of world hunger! T-Rex: And I'll take our sudden overuse of lick-based idioms! It doesn't make a lick of sense, but I'm sure I can lick it into shape! T-Rex (punchline): OH NO, IT'S GETTING WORSE

grant request: DENIED?!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for trying to explore THE VERY LIMITS OF MY OWN BODY. T-Rex: By which I mean "examining instinctual responses", of course! T-Rex: I find the idea of instincts interesting. What's it like having a drive to do something but not really understanding why? Have I ever felt an instinctive urge like that? T-Rex: Well! I intend to find out, using the power of science coupled with the power of auto-experimentation! Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: So, how's the experiment going? T-Rex: TOTALLY SUCKY! T-Rex: I can't figure out what I should be testing. What are some instincts people have? Utahraptor: Oh, well, you could always put your favourite food in your mouth and try not to chew or swallow it. It's possible to do this, but the desire to eat it is strong. Tada! Instinct! T-Rex: Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them! Off panel: That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science. T-Rex (punchline): EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??

let's be serious here for a minute! are we to abandon all hope of fixing it so quickly?

T-Rex: There was a mouse in my house last night. A mouse! In my house! That rhymes! T-Rex: But that's not important right now! T-Rex: This mouse was not only in my house but in my kitchen and on my kitchen counter. Clearly, he needs to die! Dromiceiomimus: Awwww, T-Rex! Can't you just use a humane trap instead of killing him? T-Rex: FINE. Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: How's the mouse situation? T-Rex: Sadly unchanged! T-Rex: I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into. Utahraptor: Can't mice also live outdoors? T-Rex: I don't know! I can't look up mice on the internet because my internet is down! Off panel: What about an encyclopaedia? T-Rex (punchline): Dude, WHAT ABOUT THE INTERNET??

I ADDITIONALLY TAKE PAINS NOT TO PROMISE DAMAGE-FREE ENCOUNTERS WITH MORTAL FOES IN THE HEADY REALM OF IMAGINATION

Devil: T-REX CAN YOU RATE YOUR FAMILIARITY WITH CLASSIC PEN-AND-PAPER RPGS Devil: ALSO KNOWN AS RPGS T-Rex: I don't know what they are, man! Let's talk about something else - like chicks! Devil: CHICKS ARE NOT AS MULTIFACETED AS A TRUE PEN-AND-PAPER ROLE PLAYING GAME T-REX Devil: IN WHICH ONE PERSON IS THE GAME MASTER AND TELLS EVERYONE ELSE WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM Devil: FOR EXAMPLE Devil: YOU HAVE KILLED AN ORC Devil: TO WHICH THE PLAYERS REPLY Devil: INDEED T-Rex: RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds! Utahraptor: That's pretty closed-minded, T-Rex! Utahraptor: You shouldn't be so biased against them. They're really just collaborative storytelling with especially terrible PR and easily stereotyped players. But they're probably fun! I imagine! T-Rex: Have you ever played one? Utahraptor: Nope! Devil: I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX T-Rex: I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGs! Devil (punchline): I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE

you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer is, of course, 'by accident'

T-Rex: Sometimes when people win the lottery, they end up getting into a lot of trouble because they don't know how to handle that much money. T-Rex: Dear lottery officials: I would not have such troubles! T-Rex: I would invest the money wisely and live reasonably. My only extravagance would be a pair of diamond-studded house slippers, and upon my death, I would donate them, and my riches, to charity! Utahraptor: Which charity? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Which charity would you donate to? Is it perhaps a charity dedicated towards RESUSCITATING YOUR DESICCATED CORPSE? T-Rex: What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here! Narrator: T-REX SOMEHOW SETS UP JUST SUCH A CHARITY BY ACCIDENT: T-Rex: These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): Friggin' events!

we was having serious problems thinking our actions through to their logical conclusions

T-Rex: Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. T-Rex: What a copycat! T-Rex: It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win! Utahraptor: This isn't a race, T-Rex! T-Rex: It is, and you started it! Utahraptor: Fine then - I'm ending it! I just thought it would be cool to have people working on reanimating our bodies when we die, but if it's such a big deal for you, forget it. T-Rex: Awww! Really? You'd give up being a reanimated corpse for our friendship? T-Rex: Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. T-Rex (punchline): We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

and why is it suddenly so FAMILIAR?

God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU EVER PULLED ANY SWEET PRANKS T-Rex: Sure have, God! God: HAHA ME TOO MAN WHAT ARE YOURS T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: Back when I was in middle school, I used to go to the computer labs and add all sorts of common typos and misspellings to their spell check dictionaries, like 'teh' and 'acceptible' and 'amoung' and 'tahn'. Hee hee! God: THAT'S SUCH A SUCKY PRANK T-Rex: It rules! All these kids handed in essays with massive spelling mistakes! Utahraptor: It sort of sucks, man! Utahraptor: The person who falls for this probably won't even realize they've had a prank pulled on them! And when they do, there's no moment of laughing realization, just irritation. T-Rex: Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around? Utahraptor: The best ones do! T-Rex: Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A few ended in broken marriages! T-Rex (punchline): What is this emotion called 'regret'?

you might question choosing humble bread as a favourite food, but next time you're eating it consider how good it is, and how we've had like three thousand years to perfect it. imagine what pizza will be like in three thousand years. that's what bread is like RIGHT NOW.

Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD DAY: T-Rex: My favourite food is bread! It's the most delicious thing to eat before, during, and perhaps even after a meal! Narrator: T-REX: BREAD Dromiceiomimus: My favourite food is avocado sandwiches! They're fatty but really really delicious. I also like orange juice. T-Rex: Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice. Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS: AVOCADO SANDWICHES, ORANGE JUICE Utahraptor: My favourite food is - a secret! T-Rex: Aw Utahraptor, that's dumb! Utahraptor: No it's not! It makes me a little more mysterious, I think. It's like keeping your birthday a secret! T-Rex: That's dumb too! The only people who do that are old people who don't want to age anymore and young people who - actually, I'm not sure if young people even do it. T-Rex: Anyway! Back to bread: do I like it because it's so delicious, or is it so delicious because I like it? Off panel: Can we avoid this conversation if I say my favourite food is sweet and sour chicken? T-Rex (punchline): NOT ANYMORE.

ah, the gallant fireman's pole, the first port of call for the recreational house designer

T-Rex: If I had the means to design and build my own house, it would have all sorts of cool features. Like skylights and sensible door chimes and high counters designed to accommodate my giant frame! T-Rex: And perhaps... a FIREMAN'S POLE and WATERSLIDE?? T-Rex: I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say "Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house". Utahraptor: That's pretty sweet, T-Rex! But you don't think you'd get tired of it? Eventually? T-Rex: Never! T-Rex: How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted? Utahraptor: But then you'd always hit your head on the ceiling! T-Rex: Nope, because there'd be a second UPSIDE-DOWN trampoline there too, man! Kapow! T-Rex (punchline): I will call my house, "The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done".

INTERESTED PARTIES: PANEL THREE IS REFERRING TO ECSTASY. IT'S IN DRUG FORM NOW, APPARENTLY. IT MAKES YOU WANT TO RUB YOUR FACE ON THE CARPET?

T-Rex: So has anyone here ever ingested any... T-Rex: PSYCHOTROPIC SUBSTANCES? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus? Have YOU ever done any consciousness-altering drugs? Dromiceiomimus: I don't - why are you asking this? T-Rex: Just curious! I've never done any, but some of my friends have. They say - they say it's pretty alright? T-Rex: Then they rub their faces on the carpet. Utahraptor: Are you going to try mind-altering drugs because of peer pressure? T-Rex: No way, man! T-Rex: I have no interest in being reminded that my mind can be chemically altered, OR in rubbing my face on the carpet. It's just, sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong, thinking these drugs are not the best idea. But- Utahraptor: But it's hard to find out more, as it's such a politicized debate. Everyone seems to have an agenda! T-Rex: That's exactly it! Is marijuana addictive? Who knows! This tiny bug on my nose doesn't know! Morris: yeah but i don't know a lot of things like this one time i wasn't too good at sports so i had to be a timekeeper but i wasn't too good at that either even though i tried super hard T-Rex (punchline): Okay!

oh morris, your text is a little smaller but your challenges are just as big

T-Rex: So, tiny bug on my nose, how was your day today? Morris: oh t-rex it was really a challenge for me today. but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that. morris the bug T-Rex: Pleased to meet you, Morris! Morris: gosh i'm pleased to meet you, t-rex! and yes, to answer your question it was a real challenge for me today. i tried to park my car by the grocery store so i could buy some groceries but then i couldn't find where the parking meters were and i looked everywhere and finally i asked some people to help but none of them knew where the parking meters were either! so it was real confusing Dromiceiomimus: Didn't the grocery store have a parking lot, Morris? Morris: yeah but i didn't find that out till afterwards and i'd already made an awful embarrassment of myself by asking everyone where the meters were! sometimes i get a little confused is all T-Rex: That's okay, Morris! Everyone gets confused sometimes! Utahraptor: Did they have the groceries you wanted? Morris: well i dunno because i got so flustered from my mistake that i ended up just going home, empty-handed T-Rex: Aww, Morris! Utahraptor: I'm Utahraptor, by the way. Pleased to meet you! Morris: shucks i've never met so many people before all in one day! i'm morris, and i'm just a little bug who tries real hard T-Rex: If you ever need some help getting groceries, Morris, I bet we could help you out! Morris: that's awful nice but it turned out that bugs don't even shop at the grocery store! i must have gotten myself mixed up with a show i saw or a movie or something because we catch our food ourselves T-Rex: Is that why you're on my nose? To look for food? Morris: no, i'm just here to get out of my house a little plus i wrote my address on my wrist but i must have written it in smudgey ink or something cause all i see now are smudges! i've probably made a big mess of things again Morris (punchline): i can just tell

t-rex has this thing where he's looking at a cow and it fades into a giant cheeseburger

T-Rex: I'm going to write the best story ever. It's called - okay, I don't know what it's called. But I have a fantastic premise! T-Rex: It's a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! T-Rex: You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says "exploded" or "drowned" or "poisoned apple" and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how! Utahraptor: This story sounds pretty morbid, T-Rex! T-Rex: Morbidly INTERESTING! Utahraptor: True! Utahraptor: I guess the only safe one would be if the paper said "old age". T-Rex: Nope, cause then you could be killed by an old guy! This machine delights in ironically vague deaths. Utahraptor: "Natural causes"? T-Rex: Hit on the head by a falling koala bear! T-Rex: It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say "made into delicious cheeseburger". T-Rex: Not that the cows could understand! T-Rex (punchline): Friggin' cheeseburgers!

albrecht von haller (1777) and joseph henry green (1863) were two such doctors who died with the word 'stopped' on their lips. if you can take your own pulse, it might be a pretty cool way to go.

T-Rex: I think it would be great to have my last words planned out in advance. They'd have to be really memorable, so that people would keep talking about them, and by extension me! T-Rex: Unfortunately, all the good ones are taken. Sucks to THAT! T-Rex: There are a ton of people who have died saying things like "I feel fine!", but irony is overdone in last words. It has to be something fresh! Einstein spoke his last words in German, but the only person present didn't speak the language, so his last words are lost. That's actually pretty neat, I think! I could learn some obscure language before I die and use that as a backup plan. Utahraptor: It's too bad you're not a doctor! T-Rex: Why's that? Utahraptor: There's been a few doctors who have died just after having said "stopped", which isn't that eerie until you're told that they were checking their pulse at the time. T-Rex: Ahhh! Oh wow, that's a great one. Man! Can you imagine feeling your own pulse stop? Narrator: WE SKIP FORWARD TO T-REX'S DEATH: T-Rex: Hey guys! P- T-Rex (punchline): Pooty pooty?

IT IS TODAY

T-Rex: HeLa cells are a strain of cancer cells that, unlike regular body cells, can live indefinitely outside the body, grow very quickly, and don't die from old age. They are used in labs worldwide and are in many ways an independent organism! T-Rex: They also helped in the research that eradicated polio! T-Rex: So not only are HeLa cells the first observed example of devolution or speciation in human beings (going from a multi-celled life form to a single-celled one) but they're also maybe a first example of immortality: her cells live, but the woman from whom the cells were taken, Henrietta Lacks, died from this cancer in 1951. That's crazy! T-Rex: Crazier: there's probably a greater mass of HeLa cells now than there was of Henrietta when she was alive! Utahraptor: Yeah! Utahraptor: The whole thing is so surreal, don't you think? The woman made a huge contribution to science just by getting sick. And imagine a new species EVOLVING from your body? T-Rex: Well, Henrietta never found out. She was never even told that the cells were being cultivated! T-Rex: And with that, I exhaust all my knowledge of Henrietta and HeLa cells. I am well and truly tapped. Off panel: The cells are called "helacyton gartleri". T-Rex: AW MAN!! I totally knew that one! T-Rex (punchline): Also: learning is not a competition?

PERSONIFY THE MALL AND JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME OKAY

God: HEY T-REX YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SOON T-Rex: I'm going to ignore the symbolism of this! Narrator: T-REX IN: THE MALL Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: ARGH! I had hoped to avoid this realization, but it's inescapable: I hate the mall! I know it's a clichéd thing to hate but it's TRUE. I hate the crowds and the cell phones and I hate the music and the consumerism and the shops that don't have anything that I want. And I didn't hate but I really disliked the burger I purchased in the food court. It had no toppings. Also it was very dry. Utahraptor: You're becoming a generic stand-up comedian! T-Rex: I'm not! I just feel their pain! T-Rex: And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall! Utahraptor: Hah, if you felt as serious about climate change as you do about the mall, we'd have that settled in no time! Narrator: T-REX TRIES TO GET AS WORKED UP ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT IT KEEPS COMING BACK TO THE MALL: T-Rex: Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! T-Rex (punchline): ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY

how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

T-Rex: I have a friend who, as near as I can tell, only dates Asian women. I don't get it! Narrator: PEOPLE WHO DATE ONLY ASIANS COMICS T-Rex: I don't think he's a racist guy, but can you still be racist if you like an entire group of people (instead of hating them) for some perceived racial qualities? Maybe? But then again, there's nothing wrong with finding some feature particularly fetching, and maybe all the Asian women he meets just happen to have this feature. I don't know what to think! Utahraptor: Does he like Asian cultures too, or just Asian women? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Well, I'm wondering if it's purely a physical thing, or if maybe he's got this weird fetishistic cultural interest in Asian countries as well. The whole "ooh, it's foreign to me, how FASCINATING and EROTIC" thing, coupled with a cultural conception that exaggerates the broad brushstrokes while ignoring its subtleties. T-Rex: No, I don't think he has that. Narrator (punchline): "A Complicated Issue"

CODA: THE PARTY KINDA SUCKED

Narrator: REGRET T-Rex: I regret never going white-water rafting! Dromiceiomimus: I regret - well, it was in grade two, and I was just a little girl, and there was this near-deaf kid in class who had a hearing aid. One day on the playground I walked up to him and moved my mouth like I was talking but I didn't say anything. I just wanted to - I don't know, see if he'd be tricked or something. He wasn't, of course, and wasn't even that upset, but all of a sudden I could see what a jerk I was being. I don't want to be the kind of person who does that. T-Rex: Wow! Um - wow. Utahraptor: Yeah! Utahraptor: I was going to say how I regretted not doing anything with my family's garden this year, but Dromiceiomimus is a tough act to follow. T-Rex: She blew all of our fake-ass phoney regrets out of the water! Narrator: LATER: INVITATIONS TO A "WHO CAN TELL THE BIGGEST REGRET WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE" PARTY: T-Rex (punchline): Let's NOT invite Dromiceiomimus!

what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

T-Rex: So I never really found out about mind-altering drugs. Are they a GOOD idea, or a BAD idea? T-Rex: I can think of one way to find out! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I'M going to do mind-altering drugs as a science experiment, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: That's a terrible idea, T-Rex! How will you be able to trust your results if you recorded them while high? T-Rex: You, um - well, you raise some valid points about my methodology that I really should have considered sooner. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So what's the story with this drug research? T-Rex: POSTPONED. T-Rex: Perhaps indefinitely! I've decided that this isn't really that pressing an issue for me. Besides, it's not like I'm being pressured to do drugs in the first place. It was just for interest's sake! Utahraptor: Oh well! All's well that ends well, I suppose. Narrator: BUT, BACK AT HOME! Off panel: WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US IN SOME ILLEGAL DRUGS, NEIGHBOUR? T-Rex: No thank you!! Off panel: ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER Off panel: HA HA HA Off panel (punchline): WHAT ARE THE ODDS

FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN

T-Rex: I wonder if there are any revelations that would make me want to end a long-term friendship with someone. What would they have to say? T-Rex: I guess if they were a crazy racist, that would probably do it! T-Rex: But then I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, I bet - UNLESS they'd kept it hidden until now. Could I be friends with someone, knowing they're a crazy racist? And would it make a difference if it never really came up that often? Utahraptor: This is actually a pretty tricky question I've considered myself, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! Because I wouldn't really want to be friends with a crazy racist either, but isn't that sort of just fighting intolerance with intolerance? The person was still your friend for years and years, so they're probably a good person, all the crazy racism aside. T-Rex: Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. T-Rex: But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? T-Rex (punchline): E-Except for racists.