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vampire day is a holiday t-rex invented where you all dress up as vampires and get bitey. it did not survive the cretaceous-tertiary extinction event?

T-Rex: The worst part of owning a cape is having to find excuses to wear it. Narrator: T-REX HAS A CAPE Narrator: LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS T-Rex: Luckily, I am just the dude to manufacture such excuses! I have the perfect plan. Since it sucks to be the only dude in the room wearing a cape, I will simply start telling people that EXISTING holidays are now cape-wearing holidays. Like... Thanksgiving! Dromiceiomimus: Thanksgiving? T-Rex: Yes! It is now a day to give thanks AND wear stylish outmoded fashions. Narrator: NOW IT'S THANKSGIVING! Utahraptor: You forgot to wear your stupid cape, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aw damn!! T-Rex: But YOU forgot to wear it too, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Yeah, but I was never going to. T-Rex: Well! I certainly hope you'll change your mind for VAMPIRE DAY next week. I'm DEFINITELY not forgetting my cape for that! Narrator: NOW IT'S VAMPIRE DAY! T-Rex (punchline): Aw damn!!

dude makes some noticeably good sandwiches

T-Rex: Pantheism is the belief that everything, the entire universe, is literally God! God: WHAT T-Rex: Like I said! The universe and God are the exact same thing! T-Rex: We all get to be divine, Dromiceiomimus! Better, everything I do is an act of God! Right now, THIS aspect of God wants to stomp on this other, more housey aspect of God. Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure that's how pantheism works! Isn't it more like, we're all cells in the "body" of a divine universe? T-Rex: I see it more like, every tasty thing in the universe is God, and I'm getting HUNGRY. Utahraptor: T-Rex, you're just redefining "God" to mean "existence"! T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: But PERHAPS by making everything special, by spreading that divinity around a bit so that everyone gets a piece, we'll all see our world as the extraordinary place it is. Utahraptor: Right. Or more likely, you just want to say "I'M GOD AND GOD WANTS GODLY SANDWICHES". God: GOD DOES WANT GODLY SANDWICHES T-REX T-Rex: Dude! It's not like you can't just make your own! God (punchline): I LIKE IT WHEN YOU CUT OFF THE CRUSTS

'num num num' being, of course, the iso standard sound effect for munchin on toenails instead of just answering a simple question

Narrator: THE SEXIEST JOB COMPETITION: T-Rex: The sexiest job competition is tasked with finding out who has the sexiest job. We must begin! Narrator: BEING T-REX: T-Rex: Congratulations self! You are our leading candidate! Narrator: GUY WHO GIVES OUT PARKING TICKETS AND IS REALLY KIND OF A JERK ABOUT IT: T-Rex: You do a profoundly unpopular job. I am sorry to announce that yours is the least sexy job thus far. Dromiceiomimus: Why do you have to be kind of a jerk about it, parking ticket guy? Narrator: INTERNET CARTOONIST: Utahraptor: That's pretty sexy, I'm told! T-Rex: I'd do anyone who has their own website! Narrator: GUY WHO BITES HIS OWN TOENAILS: T-Rex: I respect how you've made a career out of it, yet, it's still gross! Utahraptor: But he's not even biting the toenails of others. I'm confused on the economics of this. Is it - performance art? T-Rex: There's one way to find out! T-Rex: Hey! HEY DUDE! TOENAIL DUDE! Off panel: Huh? T-Rex: HOW DO YOU GET PAID? Off panel (punchline): num num num

men! i'm out of tips!!

Narrator: TIPS FOR MEN T-Rex: Attention men! Are you a man? Here are some tips! T-Rex: Tip 1: Grooming is important! T-Rex: This means that you have to shower and if you always wake up with food on your face then you have to understand that you have a problem. We all have problems, but yours is that you go to sleep beside bowls of wet salad and then in your sleep, you tip over the bowl. You need to work on that. I don't know what to tell you. T-Rex: Tip 2: prostate exams: apparently important? Utahraptor: Apparently prostate exams are pretty important! T-Rex: Tip 3: In some situations, like truck stops, manliness is measured by virility, so you may wish to boast of sexual conquests. But in other situations (job interviews), it’s measured by problem solving skills and your ability to work in groups! Utahraptor: True men can easily distinguish between such situations. Narrator: TIPS FOR WOMEN T-Rex (punchline): Attention women! Sometimes men fall asleep next to bowls of wet salad. I don't know what to tell you.

i hope you wanted to read a comic about a girl getting beaned by a log today, because THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "A LOG ON THE HEAD" T-Rex: I have a friend who was hit with a 40 pound log on the head. She might have a concussion? T-Rex: What's the deal with THAT? T-Rex: What's the deal, logs? Narrator: THE END Narrator: "A TIME FOR CONCERN" Utahraptor: Hey, is your friend alright? T-Rex: Yeah, she's fine! T-Rex: She might have a concussion, but yeah. Still. I blame logs. Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: She was at a log stacking show and this one chick totally sucked at stacking logs, basically? Narrator: AT THE LOG STACKING SHOW: T-Rex: Man! My grandmother could stack logs better than you! Off panel: You're not allowed to heckle! T-Rex (punchline): What are you gonna do? Accidentally bean a friend of mine with a log and then feel powerfully guilty about it??

here is a persuasive writing tip from utahraptor: if you are writing an essay and want to say 'everything' without having to defend it, write 'most everything'. it means 'a lot of things' but sounds like 'everything' to a casual reader! with this tip including in your 'bag of writerly tricks', you will have certain success in EVERYTHING YOU EVER DO.

T-Rex: I think that comedy goes bad after a while! I don't think I've EVER laughed at a joke that's more than two hundred years old. T-Rex: Screw you, comedy! T-Rex: It's not just that jokes get dated, but that whole standards for comedy shift, I think. Stuff that was edgy fifty years ago is old hat today! We can recognize HOW it was supposed to be funny, but there's comedic writing from a hundred years ago that goes right over our heads today, simply because we don't have the cultural context to recognize that jokes are being made, that parody and satire are taking place. Ouch for those guys! Ouch for us in 200 years! Utahraptor: Well, most everything changes with time, T-Rex! T-Rex: I guess! T-Rex: But I think comedy changes more than most. We can read serious writing from centuries ago and the arguments are WAY more accessible than any jokes. Utahraptor: I guess that's true, but I'm sure there are also "stupid people do stupid things" jokes that are pretty timeless. T-Rex: Oh man, I never told you! One time, I saw a stupid guy nobody likes eating too many bananas!! Off panel: Hah hah! Why'd he do that? T-Rex: 'Cause he was dumb! T-Rex (punchline): Dumb for BANANAS.

future t-rex is always one step ahead! BAD DUM DUM CHING

T-Rex: Okay, so perhaps there ARE those who find old jokes in old books to be hilarious, and we just happen to have different senses of humour! IT MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE TO GENERALIZE ACROSS EVERY LIVING THING THAT CAN LAUGH, AND ALSO READ. T-Rex: This I do concede! T-Rex: But, I still think that it's true that, given a random joke from the present and one from the past, the average person will be more likely to laugh at the present joke, just because they have more context. I'm convinced present-day jokes about airplane food will fade in cultural relevance and become less funny as airplanes are replaced by HoverPants! Utahraptor: Hey, nice move, T-Rex! T-Rex: Ah, you refer to my classy search for a middle ground! Utahraptor: No, I meant the whole "shift the argument to the future" thing, so that nobody can disagree with you! It was smooth. T-Rex: Hee, it's true! It's the same argument, but since the future doesn't exist yet, nobody can really argue with me about it one way or the other! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: T-Rex: The hell? What was I saying about us not existing? Off panel: I dunno man! T-Rex (punchline): I would have words with past T-Rex! That dude has a lot of STALE FRIGGIN' OPINIONS.

this is a crazy comic about how t-rex likes the kanye west song from a while ago. have you heard the song? it's pretty catchy and it is about a woman who digs for gold, totally metaphorically!

T-Rex: Man! What is the DEAL with triflin' friends indeed? T-Rex: They appear to reliably take my money when I'm in need! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Here's a crazy question. Would you say that YOU are a triflin' friend indeed? Dromiceiomimus: I would not, T-Rex! I would not. I'm not triflin'! T-Rex: I don't know - are you sure you're not possibly.... triflin'?? Dromiceiomimus: You don't even know what the word means! You got it from a song. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: I am IN LOVE with this song! Utahraptor: Which song? T-Rex: The "Gold Digger" one. It's about a woman who is a gold digger, and then the narrator suggests to her that maybe she's a gold digger! Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: Then she takes the narrator's money when he's in need! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What's this, a radio? Off panel (punchline): [small, song] we want pre-nup

it is the best salute t-rex can muster under very difficult physiological circumstances okay

T-Rex: What if this is the high point of my life? What if it's all downhill from here?! That sucks! T-Rex: For me!! T-Rex: I kind of hoped I might go a bit further than this in life, but then again, maybe not. It's entirely possible that this, right here, is as far as I go. In 10 years I could be that guy who is WAY too nostalgic for the past. "Remember how great it was before I screwed up my life, guys?" That'll be me! T-Rex: I'll be that guy! T-Rex: I could be TOO TIRED from the weight of a life squandered to stomp on even the smallest of log cabins and women. Utahraptor: Maybe! Utahraptor: But I honestly don't think you'll be that guy. You'll probably end up doing something different than you expect right now, but that doesn't mean you've FAILED AT LIFE. T-Rex: I don't think so either, really, but maybe guys who peaked in high school thought this too! Then they made some bad decisions. T-Rex: People who've made bad decisions: I salute you! Visual effect (punchline): [arrows pointing at T-Rex's raised arms] SALUTE!

THINGS THAT MAY COST YOU A LIFETIME OF FRIENDSHIP: rampant murderism, incurable stealie-o-holicism, terminal punchiness

Narrator: VISITING OLD FRIENDS COMICS T-Rex: Hooray for visiting old friends! T-Rex: Old friends are the best kind of friends because you still get along really well, even though you maybe haven't seen each other for a long time. It is a time for healthy nostalgia and for talking of tomorrow! Dromiceiomimus: But current friends are good too, aren't they T-Rex? T-Rex: Yes! My endorsement of old friends is not meant to be taken as a slight against friends currently in rotation. Utahraptor: What do you like best about visiting old friends, T-Rex? T-Rex: An excellent question! T-Rex: I think what I like best is how you have the intimacy years of friendship provides, but also the perspective gained from any time spent apart. It lets you be honest with each other! You can see how everyone's changed and talk and laugh about it. Utahraptor: That's great - BUT WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS?? T-Rex: Aww! Well, I'll be their friend, unless there's a good reason why they don't have any friends, such as rampant murderism or incurable stealie-o-holicism. Off panel: Neither of those are actual afflictions, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Then we're SET!

dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know

God: HEY T-REX HOW MANY EMOTIONS ARE THERE T-Rex: How many emotions are there?? I can think of at least three. T-Rex: Desire, elation, and rage! God: YOUR LIST OF EMOTIONS IS A SHORT STORY HUH T-Rex: Yep! It's about a woman who desires something, then gets it and is pretty elated about the whole thing, but then, AFTERWARDS, she's pretty pissed. God: COOL Utahraptor: I think emotions are not discrete but rather a continuum, T-Rex! T-Rex: I find your views interesting! Tell me more! Utahraptor: The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label "breakfast pleasure". T-Rex: Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure. Off panel: I know, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): I'm not entirely certain that you do!

> use SPACESHIPS on TERRESTRIAL PROBLEMS to shift them to a future where we might be able to properly solve them > I don't see SPACESHIPS here.

T-Rex: Has this strapping young dinosaur perhaps become a little... COMPLACENT? T-Rex: It's time to go travelling! T-Rex: This is because travel beats complacency if you do it right! When you're travelling as a backpacker, outside of the regular tourism industry, you're going off the beaten path AND doing a lot of new things all on your own. You meet new people and, since you're put in an environment where you're probably less comfortable than you usually are (both literally and figuratively), you're in a prime situation for self-discovery as well! Utahraptor: So you'd rather do your own thing than go on a big tour with a travel agency? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: But - I mean, I know it's not entirely a positive thing. All tourism can change the areas it touches! My role as a backpacker COULD be seen as an advance scout for the larger tourism industry - and if I find something wonderful, odds are others will soon follow. Utahraptor: So what's the solution? T-Rex: I don't know, man! Stop travelling? Encase unspoiled areas in amber? Use spaceships to colonize new planets and therefore delay the issue until there are no new frontiers? Off panel: That last one sounds pretty awesome! T-Rex (punchline): That's cause it's got rockets!

guys i'm totally gendered

T-Rex: Hey! Hey Utahraptor! Do - do you think that some guys go to liquor stores to pick up chicks because they know everyone there is over 18? T-Rex: Or at least - T-Rex: - willing to pretend? Dromiceiomimus: Hah! Aw! That's terrible, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what are YOU doing here? I thought it was Just The Guys! Dromiceiomimus: It seems that, once again, I have become privy to guy talk due to conversational negligence!! T-Rex: Disaster! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: So personally, Dromiceiomimus, I feel that - Utahraptor: Hey, where is she? T-Rex: Whoah, Utahraptor! I thought that DROMICEIOMIMUS was behind me! Utahraptor: Nope! Just me, your male friend Utahraptor! Were you about to have a conversation about feelings? T-Rex: NO. NO I WASN'T. Banner: "SOME PEOPLE TREAT THEIR GENDERED FRIENDS DIFFERENTLY" T-Rex: Incidentally, I don't have any friends who aren't gendered! Banner (punchline): OKAY

when t-rex gets angry he likes to shout the name of the person or thing that made him so upset into his communicator! unfortunately captain kirk and khan have taken care of THAT little number

T-Rex: Man, forget television, books, films, short films, to a lesser extent plays and other theatre, and the remaining popular media! They have cheapened emotion by putting it on constant display. T-Rex: This I do believe! T-Rex: Maybe "cheapened" is too strong a word, but it's now - routine? Predictable? Now if we've made a big mistake we can't say "My God! What have I done?" because it's too cliché: we either have to acknowledge that or reach for another way to express it. IN CONCLUSION AND IN SUMMARY, the highest experiences life can offer have already been acted out for us, cheapened by imitation and reference instead of experienced firsthand! Utahraptor: Do you really feel this way? T-Rex: Sometimes! Especially when I get angry. T-Rex: It's just that - it can be hard to have a meaningful conversation when you're dancing around all these clichés. Utahraptor: Well, actually, that's one of the things that first attracted me to you: your ability to IGNORE popular culture, your willingness to talk as if nobody's listening. T-Rex: Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry. Off panel: That last one is a BIT less attractive. T-Rex: I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner! T-Rex (punchline): Daaaamn!

somebody downstairs is cooking ribs at like 9 in the morning. it smells delicious! somebody downstairs has the right friggin' idea

T-Rex: I am writing the best story ever! In it, I simply APPROPRIATE a popular novel, and then place its author in a generalized version of its premise! THEN, the author has eerily familiar, but thoroughly modernized, adventures. T-Rex: So, it's like, H.G. Wells actually has a time machine that he uses for wacky escapades! T-Rex: And then he goes back in time to meet Edgar Allan Poe, who actually IS haunted by the supernatural and has a creepy raven in his study, next to the silken sad uncertain rustling of his purple curtains. After picking up Mary Shelley, they ALL go forward in time and meet Patricia Highsmith, who is surrounded by morally compromised antihero neighbours! Then they all go on a train ride and have an adventure. Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: THEN, my friend, the story writes itself! T-Rex: And at the end, all the characters high five each other and go home to their own times, promising to write their own versions of what happened. Then, they all write their most famous works! Utahraptor: Huh! Narrator: MUCH LATER: T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe! What are YOU doing here? Off panel: I'm just chillin' on your couch, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Awesome! I like how you rhyme.

t-rex was going to suggest that they play video games together, but then poe was like, 't-rex! i am from the past!'

T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe, I have things to do today! We can't hang out the entire time. Off panel: I don't want to hang out the ENTIRE time, T-Rex, I just want quality time when we DO hang out. I need quality, not just quantity! T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe! You are so needy. Off panel: When you call me "needy", T-Rex, you make me feel like I'm crazy, just because I want to spend time with you! That's not crazy: that's what friends do. If you don't want to be friends with me then we should talk about that, but if you do, then you need to spend more time with me. T-Rex: Edgar! We're spending time together RIGHT NOW. That counts! It HAS to count if you follow me around. Utahraptor: Hey, your friend back there looks just like Edgar Allan Poe! That's crazy! T-Rex: That's because he is! T-Rex: Hey, here's a fun fact for you: Edgar Allan Poe has access to a time machine, and ALL HE WANTS TO DO is talk about our relationship. Utahraptor: T-Rex! He's right nearby! He can probably hear you. T-Rex: I'M FINE WITH THAT. HELLO POE. Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex: I'm sorry I snapped at you, Edgar Allan Poe! Off panel: I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you needed space, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Can you - can you keep this out of your famous and memorable poems, do you think?

well met!!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for keeping all my wicked sweet opinions to myself! I will keep my own counsel. T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: the end Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's up? You seem kinda - silent! T-Rex: That's because I am! T-Rex: I am keeping all my awesome rad opinions to myself today. Utahraptor: Oh. Why? T-Rex: Things were just going that way! But who knows what tomorrow will bring for me, T-Rex? Narrator: TOMORROW: T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for eating hobosnacks! Hobosnacks are snacks for hobos. I think they're commercially marketed as "Cheetos"! Off panel: This is a laundromat, sir! T-Rex (punchline): Indeed!!

every single problem for this t-rex, up until now, has been solved through stealing a helicopter. so what i'm saying is IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN

T-Rex: I am PRETTY SURE that I could be a pretty great soccer player if I really tried to be! I just haven't explored it! It's probably one of my many Narrator: HIDDEN TALENTS T-Rex: I'm probably ALSO really good at surfing, stand up comedy, cross-stitching and helicopter theft! I just haven't tried them because I prefer believing that I have secret talents the world hasn't seen to knowing for certain that I don't actually have anything special and secret in me waiting to be accessed. Utahraptor: You prefer hidden talent to palpable failure! T-Rex: Precisely! Utahraptor: Well, why not just reframe them so they're talents that you HAD, but missed out on? Like, you could have been a great soccer player if only you'd practiced when you were a kid. So the talent's still there, it's simply your flabby aged and relatively enfeebled body that's no longer suitable! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS BEEN STEALING HELICOPTERS SINCE HE WAS EIGHT: T-Rex: I'm so awesome at stealing copters, but I wonder if I could ever be good at stomping on things! T-Rex (punchline): Is this finally a conundrum that CAN'T be solved with helicopter theft?

GENTLE READER, TAKE HEED

Narrator: A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN T-Rex: Gosh, am I the ultimate friend? I am supportive and a good listener! I do favours and care and keep track of everything that's going on in my friends' lives. T-Rex: T-REX: THE ULTIMATE FRIEND? Dromiceiomimus: You're a good friend, T-Rex, but I'm not sure if you're the ultimate friend! It seems to ME that the ultimate friend would come over and do my dishes for me. T-Rex: Aha, my friend, but once again I said "the ultimate friend", not "the ultimate pushover"! But I'll still do your dishes sometimes, if I'm there! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! Utahraptor: Ultimate Friend, close your eyes and tell me what colour my eyes are! T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: Your eyes are a distinctive shade of... icy blue!! Utahraptor: Nope! T-Rex: Piercing orange! Utahraptor: Nope! T-Rex: A chartreusey shade of puce? Utahraptor: Nobody's eyes are a chartreusey shade of puce. Narrator (punchline): THE END

seriously he's the worst ghost ever. if you knew him you'd know!!

T-Rex: Today I am going to try to be a better friend. I will tell secrets, as secrets are one of the MANY currencies of friendship! I will also listen to what my friends have to say, and then make helpful comments that solve every one of their problems! T-Rex: EVERY T-Rex: SINGLE T-Rex: ONE. Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, here is one of my problems! A friend of mine is pregnant, and she's really happy about it, but we're all not really sure that she's ready or that it's with the right person. It's not like it's any of our business, actually, but it's not like we can talk to her about it! T-Rex: I - um. Wow! T-Rex: Wow! Pregnancy! Utahraptor: I know! T-Rex: And it's such a personal thing too. People get upset when you tell them you think they're DATING the wrong person - how do you tell them you think they're creating life with the wrong person? Utahraptor: Maybe the answer is that you don't! T-Rex: Or MAYBE the answer is you get a ghost to show them your dystopian vision of their future! Do you know any ghosts? Off panel: Only one, and he's not suitable at all. T-Rex: Hah hah! The ghost of Zach, right? Aw, poor Zach. Off panel (punchline): He's so terrible at being a ghost!

BINGO

T-Rex: I wonder, what's the craziest way to spell "crazy"? T-Rex: My suggestion: "K-RAY-Z"! Dromiceiomimus: That's pretty crazy, T-Rex, but what about... "CHRA-HAY-ZEE"? T-Rex: That's totally crazy! Dromiceiomimus: I know! T-Rex: That's why I like it. Utahraptor: What about "Quai-Zhi"? T-Rex: Eh! TOO crazy. Utahraptor: What? No it's not. Too crazy is like, "fhqwhgads". T-Rex: That's Inaccessibly Crazy, which is its own beast all together! Utahraptor: Man, forget you guys! I'm done playing this game. I'VE got things to do today! Narrator: THINGS T-REX THINKS UTAHRAPTOR MIGHT HAVE TO DO TODAY: T-Rex: Learn to tango? T-Rex: Eat a whole bag of plums? Off panel: I'M JUST BUYING GROCERIES T-Rex (punchline): Buy a whole bag of plums, and then eat the plums, and then blame a passing dog for the resulting plummy mess?

hey t-rex sure dodged a bullet there in panel 3, RIGHT FELLAS?

Narrator: CONVERSATIONAL TECHNIQUES COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: "I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS" Narrator: A POWERFUL TECHNIQUE IN ANY SITUATION: Off panel: Do YOU want eggs? T-Rex: I've got my own problems! Narrator: A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PRIVILEGING OF SELF INTEREST! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to come with me today to the Lengthy Exhibit of Items of Exclusively Female Interest? T-Rex: Aw man! I've got my own problems. Dromiceiomimus: You totally have your own problems! Narrator: A HARBINGER OF FRIENDSHIP: Utahraptor: I've got MY own problems! T-Rex: Hey, me too! Narrator: HEY, WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE EGGS IN THE SECOND PANEL? OH WELL Utahraptor: Was he an egg salesman, do you think? T-Rex: He was wearing one of those umbrella hats, so - maybe? Narrator: "I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS" - IN ANY SITUATION! Off panel: Oh God, we're being attacked by zombies! T-Rex: I've got my own problems! T-Rex and off panel: Hah hah hah! Off panel (punchline): It's ALWAYS funny when you say that!

this one goes out to all the brothers and mothers who have come up with ideas that can only make the world a worse place. hey, here's to not implementing them!

T-Rex: I have come up with the worst idea ever, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! T-Rex: The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! T-Rex: MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. Utahraptor: So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! Utahraptor: It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! T-Rex: That's a horrific idea! T-Rex (punchline): What is wrong with me?

they must be notable in some way is t-rex's instant, sincerely-felt conclusion

Narrator: THINGS WOMEN LOVE: T-Rex: I know all sorts of things women love! For example: Women LOVE IT when you dismiss them in arguments by saying "Whoah! This kitten's got claws!" God: ACTUALLY NOBODY LOVES IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT T-REX T-Rex: No way dude! T-Rex: It's hilarious! It's IRONIC, because I've never actually called a woman a "kitten", on account of how I'm not a facial hair dude from the seventies? And it also says "I understand you're upset, but not REALLY upset, because I'm willing to make a joke that's sort of at your expense, but also really at my own expense too, because now I look like a sexist facial hair dude! Let's share a laugh!" T-Rex: There are layers upon layers! Utahraptor: So you're using sexism ironically now! T-Rex: Yep! But it's not SINCERE sexism. I wouldn't say, "Whoah! This cute, somehow inferior gender's got claws!" Utahraptor: And you'd laugh if a woman said something similar, but at the expense of men, to you. T-Rex: PROBABLY. It's never happened! Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR ASKS DROMICEIOMIMUS TO HELP HIM OUT BUT FAILS TO BRIEF HER PROPERLY: Off panel: Whoah! This dog's got breasts! T-Rex (punchline): I wanna see!

you know how sometimes you have an idea for a pun and you just run with it against everyone else's good advice? THIS IS ONE SUCH A TIME MY PRETTIES

T-Rex: I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. T-Rex: Hooray for punch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? T-Rex: QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. Dromiceiomimus: Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand! T-Rex: Oh God yes. Narrator: AT THE PARTY: T-Rex: Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. Utahraptor: Okay, T-Rex! Utahraptor: All you're doing is talking about delicious punch! Why not just go get some? T-Rex: Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go and get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! Utahraptor: Okay then! Narrator: SOON! T-Rex: Is this the punch line? Off panel: This is the line for the bathroom! T-Rex (punchline): So - you're saying there IS no punch line?

now folks can't get mad at me for tacitly endorsing funny wikipedia vandalism because fictional jimbo wales HIMSELF is all for it. good ol' fictional jimbo wales! he's the most accommodating instance of jimbo wales that i know of.

T-Rex: ONE TIME, I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word "evil" with the phrase "Irish evil"! T-Rex: Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT! Dromiceiomimus: But - there's no particular flavour of Irish evil, T-Rex! It's absurd! T-Rex: I know! That's part of the joke: how the author seems so obsessed with examining EVERY ASPECT of his ridiculous concept of Irish evil! Dromiceiomimus: Did the person hand it in like that? T-Rex: Nope! I got caught but we agreed it was awesome. Utahraptor: I would like some more examples from this prank! T-Rex: And I am only too happy to provide them! T-Rex: To see for yourself, all you have to do is go to the Wikipedia article on evil and do the replaces there. Hah hah! My comedy ONCE AGAIN trumps the desires of those who would seek useful information about evil! Utahraptor: T-Rex! People often use Wikipedia as an important "first source". You'll confuse them so hard! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's very nice to meet you, Jimbo Wales, founder and president of Wikipedia! Off panel: You as well, T-Rex! Your articles on Irish Evil are my favourite of all articles added to Wikipedia ever. T-Rex (punchline): Wow, Jimbo Wales!

how come 'kant's categorical imperative' isn't spelt with a 'k' on 'kategorical'? i think we all know who dropped the ball here: IMMANUEL KANT. more like immanuel kant recognize spelling opportunities in a non-native tongue when he sees them, amiright

T-Rex: Are you a person who uses phrases at incorrect times? T-Rex: I hope that will not be the case today, with... Narrator: PHRASES FOR THE EASILY CONFUSED Narrator: WHEN TO USE "SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE": T-Rex: After what happened to me last week, I will now wash my hands frequently. I mean, I mean, MORE frequently. Dromiceiomimus: Ya-huh! Save it for the judge! Narrator: THERE. THERE WAS A GOOD TIME TO USE IT. Narrator: WHEN TO USE "HOLY SMACKERELS": WHENEVER! Utahraptor: Holy smackerels, T-Rex! T-Rex: Okay! Narrator: WHEN TO USE "COWABUNGA": ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE. T-Rex: So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right? Utahraptor: In the first formulation, yeah. Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT. Narrator: WHEN TO USE "I LOVE YOU": ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM T-Rex: I love you! Narrator (punchline): T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!

i knew this guy where when he got seriously disappointed he started to bruise. prognosis: that's gross

T-Rex: I wonder what the most important day of my life is? Yesterday? Tomorrow? Maybe even... T-Rex: TODAY??? T-Rex: It could be that I wouldn't even recognize the importance of the day until years down the line - like, if today is the day I come across an abandoned violin and then later I discover that I'm actually seriously excellent at playing sonatas, and then I become famous for playing sonatas. That would have a huge effect on my life, and TODAY COULD BE THAT DAY. Utahraptor: What if today really IS your most important day, and nothing memorable happens? T-Rex: Aw man! T-Rex: If that is the case, then I would be sorely disappointed. I'm serious! I would be so disappointed that I would start to get physically sore. Utahraptor: The next morning you'd get up and say, "Ouch! I must have been disappointed a little TOO MUCH yesterday! I'll have to go easy on the disappointment for a while!" Narrator: ANYWAY! T-REX'S MOST IMPORTANT DAY HAS ALREADY COME AND GONE! IT LOOKED LIKE THIS: T-Rex: Hello, my name is T-Rex! I'm pleased to meet you. Off panel: Hello! I'm Dromiceiomimus. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Yaaaaaay!

this goes out to that girl i saw on youtube who said she wanted to be a web cartoonist and use the word 'dudes'. ATTENTION INTERNET: I AM LIVING THE DREAM

T-Rex: What should I do if I see someone littering? Every time I do something different and every time it feels like the wrong thing to do. Narrator: LITTERING COMICS Narrator: all over the internet T-Rex: I've tried doing nothing, but that left me feeling like a frustrated milquetoast pushover! I keep wanting to pull the "excuse me, you dropped this" line, but it is sort of an aggressive thing to do, especially if the way I say it makes it clear I think it was, indeed, NO ACCIDENT. I could see that leading to a confrontation, and I don't want to be that guy who throws punches over empty cans of Coke! Utahraptor: You could throw down over disgusting used Kleenexes! T-Rex: But it's an overreaction, isn't it? T-Rex: I don't know - littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale. Utahraptor: And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes. T-Rex: Exactly! I don't know how I should react when confronted with a small instance of a small crime, but which still bothers me. All I can think of is to sneak poo bugs into the dude's food? Off panel: Poo bugs aren't an all-purpose revenge tool, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): You take that back!!

THE PERFECT WOMAN????

T-Rex: One of the things I've imagined, ever since I was a little kid, was how neat it would be if you could sort your life by events and view that instead. T-Rex: You could see every time you eat delicious sandwiches, organized chronologically! T-Rex: Wouldn't that be cool, Dromiceiomimus? I think that would be cool. You could peek ahead and see every time you get into a fight, so you could be prepared! Dromiceiomimus: But you'd be spoiling (in the movie sense) your own life! T-Rex: TRUE. But, you'd also be able to see a rapid-fire montage of all the women you ever kiss. That would be neat and hopefully not disappointing! Utahraptor: It would actually be pretty neat, I think! You could see your changing responses and everything. T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: Here is what I propose: you record yourself whenever you kiss a woman for the first time, and then when you're old, you edit them all together. A lifetime of work will lead to a memorable result! T-Rex: It might be awkward getting camera permission JUST before I kiss her. But! I'm up to the task! Narrator: SOON! T-Rex: You know what's even hotter than kissing someone for the first time? Off panel: Indicating in writing my informed consent to being filmed just before we kiss? T-Rex (punchline): Baby, it's like you read my mind!

kids are like, 'ow! fine, here, take the damn ice cream'

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS today's fallacy: PLURIUM INTERROGATIONUM Narrator: "the loaded question" T-Rex: A "loaded question" is when you ask a question that presupposes something unproven! T-Rex: For instance, Dromiceiomimus, I could ask, "Hey, Dromiceiomimus! Are you still punching children?" Dromiceiomimus: What? No!! T-Rex: Aha - so when did you stop? See what I did there? The question presupposes that you've been punching on children in the past, and goes on to suggest that maybe you're still doing so. It is LOADED like rich Uncle Pennybags. From Monopoly? Utahraptor: Your question is really two questions combined into one! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: It breaks down to "Have you ever punched children, and, if so, are you still doing so?" But since these are merged, and since this merged form still demands a yes or no answer, "no" becomes misleading. The solution is not to answer "yes" or "no", but to reject the question! Utahraptor: Really! Off panel: T-Rex, are YOU still punchin' children? Are you still punching them just to steal their ice cream cones? T-Rex: I reject your question, Utahraptor! It's loaded! Off panel: Why are you SO AFRAID of the truth coming out, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): Okay you must never enter politics ever.

i destroyed my chair through sheer force of will while writing this comic. if you don't believe me come see my chair

T-Rex: Am I perhaps too comfortable, too satisfied with my life and friends and ROUTINE? Has the warm embrace of satisfaction become the smothering kiss of COMPLACENCY? T-Rex: It's time to shake things up, T-Rex style! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, here's a COMPELLING IDEA for ending complacency. We'll insult each other and then we'll become enemies, and THEN, I wouldn't have our little chats to look forward to anymore. Result: complacency: nullified! Dromiceiomimus: That's so lame! T-Rex: You're so lame! Dromiceiomimus: Have we started? Narrator: A FEW HOURS LATER: Utahraptor: So how's it going on the ol' "no more complacency" front? T-Rex: Sucky to the max! T-Rex: I've been systematically destroying the life I knew, but that's just left me panicky and unsatisfied. My romance for something new has led to a realization that I had a routine because I liked what I was doing and when I was doing it. Utahraptor: Time to reclaim your life of only a few hours ago! T-Rex: Yes! I will apologize to Dromiceiomimus! And if I ever get too comfortable again, well, I could probably get used to the smothering kiss of complacency. And maybe, one day, I'll finally be ready to START KISSING BACK. Off panel (punchline): That's gross and confusing!

hey! t-rex sincerely believes that any song about bitches can be changed to a song about your male acquaintances by replacing 'bitches' with 'fellows'. where my fellows at? fellows ain't shit but hoes and tricks!

T-Rex: Hey everyone! Stop saying "bitches" so much! T-Rex: There are other words than "bitches"! Daaamn! T-Rex: These words include such fine examples as "fellows", "gravy", and "Monterey Jack". Dromiceiomimus: Are we to use these words in place of "bitches"? T-Rex: Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying "Hey! Get off my back, bitches!" I can NOW say, "Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!" Utahraptor: That one only works because it rhymes!! T-Rex: Says you, gravy! Utahraptor: See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy. T-Rex: I do want gravy. Utahraptor: Alright. Utahraptor: I don't have any. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I've allowed my love of gravy to distract from my prescriptivist linguistic crusade! God: THAT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS EVER SAID THAT T-Rex: Seriously? Does that mean I get into heaven FOR FREE?? God: HONESTLY God (punchline): IT HELPS

you may want to read innuendo into panel 3. i can't stop you! shit! it's a free internet!

T-Rex: Who spent their Tuesday night doing the BEST THING POSSIBLE?? The answer: me! T-Rex: I built a statue of myself! T-Rex: It's LARGER-THAN-LIFE and it looks just like me! Only BIGGER. What I'm trying to say Dromiceiomimus is that it's fantastic and you should come see it sometime soon. Dromiceiomimus: I will! But wouldn't building an articulated robot version of yourself that you can climb inside and control have been closer to the best thing ever? T-Rex: Well, MAYBE. But a statue is still awesome! Utahraptor: Yeah man! You should've built a robot suit! T-Rex: But - I built a whole statue! Overnight!! T-Rex: Although upon closer inspection, I must concede that building a fully-functional T-Rex robot, overnight, would have been pretty darned choice. Utahraptor: So now you're saying you regret your statue? Man! I'd like to know what your statue thinks about all this! Narrator (punchline): T-REX STATUE REACTION SHOT:

the devil is asking for a friend of his. they were playing video games and all of a sudden the guy asked 'do you ever feel bad about your body?' and the sudden implied intimacy was startling, coming from an acquaintance, maybe a near friend, who had previously only asked for him to stop hogging all the powerups. the devil didn't know what to say so he laughed it off, and they finished the game and both acted as if everything was fine, but the question, and the way it made him feel, has lingered with him since.

Devil: MMM GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY OF A PERSONAL NATURE T-Rex: Shoot! Devil: DO YOU EVER EXPERIENCE Devil: BODY IMAGE ISSUES T-Rex: Hah! Bawdy image issues! Devil: NO I MEAN LIKE DO YOU EVER WISH YOUR BODY LOOKED DIFFERENT THAN IT DOES T-Rex: Well, actually, no, but I do empathise! I really like being a giant awesome dinosaur, but nobody's ever told me that being giant and awesome is undesirable. I guess SOMETIMES I've been frustrated by my stubby arms, but I still love the li'l champs! Utahraptor: So you'd never wish to have anything changed? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: I guess I'm lucky! I can't imagine what it must be like to be transsexual, waking up in the morning and feeling like there's been some unfair mistake, and parts of your body are WRONG. Utahraptor: I've sometimes wished I was more muscley, but that's nothing, because I could just work out if it was REALLY an issue. T-Rex: The Devil, does that answer your question? Devil: NO AND YOUR SYMPATHY IS AS USELESS AS THE BERRIES IN SUPER MARIO WORLD Devil: BY WHICH I MEAN Devil (punchline): ONLY GOOD FOR YOSHIS

where ARE they guys

T-Rex: I think that I have a few friends, "Super Friends", if you will, that I'll keep in touch with no matter what happens, and they with me. It comforts me to think this! Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUPER FRIENDS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you are one such super friend! I can see us getting together years from now, after we all drift apart, and still being able to pick up from where we left off. We'd email once or twice a year and that would be all it would take to maintain our super friendship. Dromiceiomimus: Aww! I agree! Utahraptor: You're one of MY super friends, T-Rex! T-Rex: And you're one of mine, of course! T-Rex: Sweet! We're all friends, and super friends at that, which I guess really just goes to show you that you don't need conflict to drive a narrative. Utahraptor: What narra- T-Rex: THE NARRATIVE OF LIFE. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX WATCHES THIS OTHER T-REX'S LIFE ON TV: T-Rex (punchline): where are the knockers

alternate ending: utahraptor says 'So - you want to be able to love ads, but also don't want marketers to benefit from this love?' and t-rex replies 'Yes! Is there no way to satiate my perfectly compatible desires?' and then there's no real solution THE END

T-Rex: I saw a totally sweet ad yesterday! I wanted to show it to my friends, BUT THEN, I realized that's exactly what the marketers wanted me to do! Who here doesn't want to be a tool of viral marketers? T-Rex: The answer: me! T-Rex: When I was a kid it was okay, because I didn't have any cultural context and didn't understand that maybe companies WANTED me to spread the word about their ads. But now that I'm a grown-up target market dude, I know that companies sometimes design ads with the express intent that I'll get excited and tell my friends! And it turns out I don't really like being manipulated for profit by strangers? Utahraptor: So what's the solution? T-Rex: I don't know dude! T-Rex: I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either! Utahraptor: Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible! Off panel: Guys! I'm right here! T-Rex: I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard. Off panel (punchline): I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

ryan can we have one comic about serious issues without full frontal PLEASE

Narrator: SUDDENLY: REMORSE! T-Rex: Aw, I feel kinda bad about taking advantage of Captain Suggestible. What do you do with someone who is that damn suggestible? T-Rex: Dude has his own problems! T-Rex: It reminds me of this friend I had in high school who could never ever detect sarcasm, no matter what. It's such a small thing, but it would come up all the time when I'd be like, "oh, no, please, no more ketchup!" and then I wouldn't get any more ketchup when actually I wanted some more ketchup. Dromiceiomimus: That came up all the time? T-Rex: We were CRAZY DUDES in high school!! Utahraptor: So you see Captain Suggestible as a tragic figure? T-Rex: Maybe! Mostly I see elements of myself. T-Rex: He's just got this big interpersonal thing where he's not quite sure what's appropriate, and because of that he transgresses unwritten societal boundaries all the time. I think we've all done that a little, and it's embarrassing! Utahraptor: Ah, you refer to last Saturday night when you went nude swimming "by accident". Narrator: LAST SATURDAY NIGHT: T-Rex: EVERYONE! OBSERVE MY BEACH NUDITY! T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS NO ACCIDENT

okay okay god should really be saying 'the exact opposite of how SOME religions work', but that makes the punchline have a terminal case of the NOT FUNNIES

T-Rex: Hello world! I have the following announcements to make! T-Rex: The first announcement is that I am awesome! T-Rex: The second announcement is that everyone within the sound of my voice is awesome! Dromiceiomimus: Thanks, T-Rex! T-Rex: The THIRD announcement is that I need to borrow fifty dollars. Utahraptor: Fifty dollars?! T-Rex: YES, good sir! Who will lend me the money? Someone AWESOME, perhaps? Utahraptor: No, I won't lend you fifty dollars. You already owe me like eighty! T-Rex: But wouldn't you RATHER I owe you one hundred and thirty dollars? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God, give me fifty dollars! God (punchline): DUDE THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS

number six in the meandering 'for teens!' series, coming after 'Proper Manners', 'Third Dates', 'Human Sexuality', 'Sawing', and 'Overseas Correspondence By Post'

Narrator: COMPRESSED NURSERY RHYME COMICS T-Rex: Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean / And so betwixt the two of them / They licked the platter clean! T-Rex: AND they shared EATING DISORDERS. T-Rex: What a world! Narrator: the end Narrator: ENCRYPTION JOKE COMICS Utahraptor: What's better than 128-bit encryption? T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: 512-bit encryption! T-Rex: Dude, that's not funny! T-Rex: That is accurate and sobering. Off panel: Perhaps you didn't like it because it's too... CRYPTIC? T-Rex: Wait a minute, I recognize these! T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): Did you find my long-abandoned copy of "Encryption Jokes... For Teens!"?

what's this? two tickets to amnesia land?

T-Rex: There is a lawyer dude who has plastered the city's telephone poles and bus shelters with ads proclaiming "QUICK DIVORCE! $300". And there's always about 2 or 3 of the little phone numbers from the bottom taken! T-Rex: Ouch for modern marriages! T-Rex: I took one, but that was simply because I saw the HILARIOUS PRANK POSSIBILITIES of leaving one in a married friend's wallet. But then I had an EVEN BETTER idea! Next to each of his divorce fliers, I put up my own that say "QUICK MARITAL BLISS! $295.95". Hah hah! It is PUBLIC SPACE ART and it also makes bus shelters less depressingly pro-quick-divorce! Dromiceiomimus: Nice! Utahraptor: So what happens when people start to call you, T-Rex? T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: What happens when people start to call you? They'll probably be expecting some quick marital bliss for their $295.95! T-Rex: I, um - I hadn't thought of that. I was too impressed with having an actual good idea for an art project to think about "consequences"! Narrator: LUCKILY, T-REX DISCOVERS A SURE-FIRE WAY TO TURN $295.95 INTO QUICK MARITAL BLISS! Multiple off-panel voices: Thanks, T-Rex!! You've saved our sucky marriage once again! T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): How perfectly PROFITABLE.

a: having your own hat?

T-Rex: Time for me to learn some new languages! AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, he who can speak many languages is suspected by his peers to be an ultra super genius times two. T-Rex: Perhaps I will learn... SIGN LANGUAGE? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, you should, T-Rex! Then we could talk to each other! T-Rex: You know sign language? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! Well - I know Signed English, which is just English translated into hand signs. It's different from ASL, which is a true natural signed language with its own grammar! T-Rex: Neat! T-Rex: Then it's settled! I will learn sign language! Utahraptor: And I will learn Zulu! Utahraptor: I've always wanted to learn a language nobody around me speaks, and I like the way Zulu sounds. T-Rex: Dude, maybe we're TRENDSETTERS! Maybe in 3 months languages less spoken will be the very CURRENCY of coolness, a shibboleth for entry into the rarefied world of ULTRA POPULARITY! Off panel: That only works if we're ultra popular, but we're just two dudes who have decided in the past 60 seconds to learn some new languages for no real reason! T-Rex (punchline): My question: WHAT COULD BE COOLER THAN THAT??

if i were a sleazy guy i would use my 'if i were you, i'd tell my friends about me' line ALL THE TIME. i'd have it printed on business cards! i'd hand them out to women i just met while stealing sips of their drinks.

T-Rex: I have a friend who has a problem, and that problem is that she is one of many with Narrator: UNPOPULAR LIFE GOALS T-Rex: This woman in particular wants nothing more than to fall in love with a beautiful and wonderful man, get married, and have children! The only career she wants is the noble career of RAISING A CHILD RIGHT. But some of her friends question her for not wanting anything more out of life: they don't see being a wife and mother as enough, aaaand they kinda think she's wasting her education. Utahraptor: Well, would YOU want to marry a beautiful and wonderful woman and stay at home all day? T-Rex: HELL YES T-Rex: I could work on my own projects AND cook delicious meals AND I could make bad decisions all day long. Utahraptor: And raise children. T-Rex: AND raise children. T-Rex: I may well be the perfect mate! Don't you think? Off panel: Well, if you want to marry a guy who looks forward to "[making] bad decisions all day long", then yes! T-Rex (punchline): If I were you, I'd tell my friends about me.

ladies, if you want to win a man's heart, draw the two of you as batman and the joker and it works EVERY TIME

T-Rex: I am a dude who came across a suitcase full of old love letters I got in high school. Sweet! T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I'VE got a HISTORY! T-Rex: I'd completely forgotten about these letters, and it was really cool to re-read them now with older, less hormonally-charged eyes! We were crazy kids struggling with feelings we didn't fully understand. It was charming! Also, and I, um, I don't pretend to understand this, but there's one letter from each girlfriend where, without exception, she's drawn the two of us, she and I, as Batman and the Joker. Utahraptor: Hah! How many girlfriends were there? T-Rex: I refuse to say!! T-Rex: But I assure you that for whatever reason, each of them saw it fit to render a copyright-infringing vision of a universe where we live the astonishing dreams of Finger and Kane. Utahraptor: That's really odd, isn't it? What do you suppose it means? T-Rex: Man! I think that's pretty obvious! T-Rex (punchline): Everyone I've ever kissed is AWESOME!

every conversation in this universe ends like that. you might think it gets tiring, but nope!

Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO TOAST: T-Rex: So yeah, as I was saying, the relativist fallacy is when you reject a claim by saying "Oh, that may be true for you, but it's not true for me." God: HUH T-Rex: But you have to be careful: the fallacy only applies to objective facts! T-Rex: So if I say "the atomic mass of xenon is 131.3 AMU", a response of "Oh, maybe it is for YOU!" is a fallacy. But if I said "toast is the ultimate breakfast-time treat", you could very well respond with "maybe for YOU, not for ME" and it wouldn't be a fallacy, because as we know the debate over breakfast is as subjective as it is eternal. Utahraptor: Who are you explaining the relativist fallacy to? T-Rex: Oh, just God! T-Rex: He was asking me what the weight of xenon was and I was all "Duh, 131.3 AMU" and he was all "Duh, maybe for you, T-Rex" and I was all, "Aha! Time to pontificate!" Then I worked in an example about toast. T-Rex and Utahraptor: HEY! Let's go get some toast! T-Rex (punchline): It all comes back to toast!

okay cannibals in my audience listen i'm sorry but i'm pretty sure you aren't throwing in with the laws of god and man

Narrator: ONE MORNING, A REVELATION: T-Rex: Having a shower is like admitting you get dirty! T-Rex: And - and going to the bathroom is like admitting you need to go to the bathroom sometimes! Going to bed is like admitting you get tired! EATING is like admitting you get HUNGRY. Being a cannibal is like admitting you don't throw in with the laws of God and man! T-Rex: That's it! Utahraptor: What do you mean, "that's it"? T-Rex: That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation. Utahraptor: Well - you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory. Narrator: LATER! God: T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY T-Rex: Utahraptor says I don't! God (punchline): AWWWWW SHOOT

in real life truth serum doesn't actually exist!! that and talking dinosaurs is all that separates my comic from the real world

T-Rex: They make truth serum, but how come they don't make lie serum? T-Rex: I could take some, go out, and CAUSE PROBLEMS! T-Rex: You could even overdose on lie serum and never tell the truth again, UNTIL you got an injection of truth serum to cancel it out. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think that's how medical science works! T-Rex: How can you trust a medical science that won't share the amazing secret of LIE SERUM, also known as the "Serum of Lies" and more obliquely as the "Serum of Inducing Distrustfulness In Others"? Utahraptor: Perhaps it's beautiful that people would invent a truth serum but not a lie serum! T-Rex: How's that? Utahraptor: Two ways! It's beautiful that we strive for a way to create truth, but not untruth; the other is a sad beauty in that there's no demand for a lie serum, because our bodies seem to manufacture it themselves. T-Rex: Anyway! Have some of this "serum" I just invented. Off panel: It tastes like raspberries! T-Rex (punchline): NO IT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY

they're beginning to wonder if they're the weird ones for just having a salad for lunch.

T-Rex: I'm not sure if I'll ever be married and have kids. There's just so much that has to happen first! I have to meet a woman, fall in love, SHE has to fall in love with me... T-Rex: Then we have to engage in successful sexual congress producing offspring!! T-Rex: I'd love being a father, I think, but I'll probably just end up as that crazy uncle who comes to visit and secretly teaches everybody else's kids how to put too many bananas in their mouth. Ah well! It's a good life, if you don't weaken. Dromiceiomimus: Awww, T-Rex! You'd make such a great dad. T-Rex: Thank you Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: Well, you could always have kids by donating sperm! T-Rex: That is technically true! T-Rex: However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies. Utahraptor: So you suspect - T-Rex: Yes. I suspect that, without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen. T-Rex (punchline): I suspect that sperm banks have put processes in place to prevent this, but that it continues to occur! I suspect that managers are going grey from constantly dealing with reports of accidental semen consumption. They've tried everything, but guests and staff seem almost INTENT on consuming it.

man you go on the maiden cruise of something called 'the riverboat shabby', you are asking for sinky surprises

T-Rex: Hmm... what's the biggest mistake I've ever made, I wonder? T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: More broccoli, please! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Oh, whatever! That wasn't even a mistake. I've got to tally up a lifetime of failings and concentrate HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE! I will stomp on things to focus my mental energies, or "menergies". Utahraptor: What about the time you built the Riverboat Shabby, T-Rex? T-Rex: Hmm...! T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] Utahraptor: This riverboat has so many holes, T-Rex! It's so shabby! T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex: No way! [T-Rex's daydream] Off panel: Now we're sinking because of how shabby this boat is! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): What?

hey t-rex's last line is one we've all said before, right fellas?

T-Rex: Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing plant and then tour the facilities! You could be all, "Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions." Narrator: T-REX AND FRIENDS IN: "DATES" Dromiceiomimus: I bet most sewage processing plants are actually cool and don't really smell like poops, T-Rex! It would probably end up being a pretty good AND informative date. How does waste reclamation work anyway? T-Rex: Huh! I don't know, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: It is essentially awesome, my friend! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Utahraptor: Yeah! A combination of physical (letting the heavy bits settle), biological, and chemical means are often used. Sometimes they even create artificial swamps to attract animals that aid in the waste reclamation process! T-Rex: Neat! Narrator: LATER, A DATE TO A WASTE RECLAMATION FACILITY! Off panel: You are so charming, T-Rex! And I LOVE learning about waste reclamation! Off panel: I feel the same way, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Wow, you are one appreciative date, and YOU are one surprisingly amorous tour guide!!

counterfeit bills comics are distinct from counterfeit bill's comics, which are comics done by counterfeit bill, that loveable scamp with the tin can shoes

Off panel: Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit! T-Rex: Aw snapadoodle! Narrator: "COUNTERFEIT BILLS COMICS" T-Rex: So then I just gave her a new bill. It was a little embarrassing, but my REAL problem is what to do with this fiver, now that I know it's a fake! Dromiceiomimus: Spending it would just shift the problem onto somebody else. T-Rex: Exactly! And bringing it to a bank just means I'm out $5; they wouldn't exchange it for a real bill because then the counterfeiters could just go to the banks too. Utahraptor: I think you are an unfortunate victim without recourse of CURRENCY CRIME, my friend! T-Rex: Aw poo. Utahraptor: The best you can do is report it to the police and be more vigilant in the future. Unless you're willing to further the crime by passing it off as legal tender, I'm afraid you're out the five dollars. T-Rex: Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant. T-Rex: I blame the Colonel Sanders! God: COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST T-Rex (punchline): Well good!

NOT THAT I CAN BLAME YOU

God: T-REX LET'S TALK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT ALL VIDEOGAMES ARE ACTUALLY JUST MURDER SIMULATORS T-Rex: It's Controversy Monday! T-Rex: Controversy Monday is the day when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion! God: YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD T-Rex: Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible? God: UM God: NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY Utahraptor: Are we to discount these people, though? T-Rex: Yes! They're CRAZY. Utahraptor: Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all! T-Rex: TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying that if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born... T-Rex: ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries! Off panel: I was just preparing for Controversy Monday! T-Rex (punchline): YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

did you know that monarchs, like all butterflies, are SCIENTIFICALLY INCAPABLE OF IMAGINATION?? this forever bars them from dreamland

T-Rex: I'm not a dude who usually has dreams, but last night I dreamed I had a whole other house, had forgotten about paying the mortgage, and was now horribly in debt? T-Rex: Thanks, subconscious! T-Rex: Not only did I get to have FABRICATED MONEY WOES, but I also got to wake up with the same dream-feeling of "aw snap, I'm in trouble now" in real life too. Woo! Dromiceiomimus: And this coloured your emotions in the morning, and whatever you thought of seemed to be a little worse because of it? I've had that too! T-Rex: Exactly. Sucks to that! Utahraptor: Maybe it's the whole butterfly dreaming he's a dinosaur thing, T-Rex! T-Rex: Perhaps literally!! T-Rex: Maybe I really have made tons of mistakes in my real life (as a butterfly) and then I go to sleep and dream I'm this awesome dinosaur with friends! Then I wake up and I'm still this indebted SUCKY BUTTERFLY with bad fiscal management skills. Utahraptor: Aww! You're cuter as a butterfly. T-Rex: Man, I'm a butterfly saddled with crippling debt! There's nothing cute about that. Off panel: There is if you imagine the debt in tiny butterfly dollars, each colourfully illustrated with even tinier butterflies and flowers. T-Rex (punchline): Granted!!

my every discarded sock, my every unwashed dish, my every cup, left forgotten, inexplicably half-full with cola and chocolate sauce.

T-Rex: Here are some professions whose female members I could never marry because I'd be such an uncontrollably bad husband to them! T-Rex: First: dentists! T-Rex: I respect what they do but I'm sorry lady oral hygiene professionals, I can't brush and floss three times a day plus after every snack, drink, or intense fantasy about food. I have tried and failed! Also I couldn't marry a professional housecleaner because she would soon suspect that I'm obsessed with trying to undermine all that she's striving for with my every discarded sock and unwashed dish! Utahraptor: I like how you imagine everyone is so attached to their job! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Utahraptor: Yeah! It's like you can't imagine a universe where someone could be a dentist but not actually really be all that into teeth, or a cleaner who doesn't despise disorder. Jobs are all done because of joy and intense personal conviction! T-Rex: That's because I choose the universe I want to live in. T-Rex: I ALSO believe all conflicts are solvable through communication, peace is attainable, and that love is a gift that cannot be commodified! Off panel: What happens if these turn out not to be true? T-Rex: Then I mourn the death of childhood and my final loss of innocence! T-Rex (punchline): Duh!

americans: 'cheque' is how the rest of the english-speaking world spells 'check'. i know! you guys sure don't like the letter 'u'!

T-Rex: I am enamoured with writing things in cheque memo fields. It is a rare chance for comedy in the otherwise staid world of financial services and automated cheque processing! Narrator: KIDS SERIOUSLY DO THIS AT HOME Narrator: NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN T-Rex: I have always been a fan of writing "stop following me", just because I love the idea of a guy who is being followed by someone, and then get SO PISSED OFF that he spins around, whips out his chequebook, and cuts the dude a cheque then and there just to make him go somewhere else. Dromiceiomimus: I sometimes write "for your continued silence"! T-Rex: Also gold! Especially if it's a cheque for like, 37 cents. Utahraptor: You guys never write things like "October rent"? T-Rex: Apparently not dude! T-Rex: Although I have written things like "nudity tax" when I didn't want the person to cash the cheque. Utahraptor: "Non-negotiable" works in those situations too. T-Rex: TOO EASY, man! Seriously, you should join us in our wacky cheque world. It's great! Narrator: NOW IT'S LATER, AND T-REX HAS GOTTEN A CHEQUE FROM UTAHRAPTOR COVERING A DEBT OF $85.49! T-Rex: "The exact value of a broken heart." T-Rex (punchline): Hah! HILARIOUS!

alternate last line: t-rex just says 'damn, dude! diggity daaaaaamn!!' THE END

T-Rex: I have another genius plan for immortality! God: BUT THOSE PLANS NEVER WORK T-REX T-Rex: This time for sure! T-Rex: I will be remembered in the CULTURAL ZEITGEIST. And this time I won't even have to do anything memorable! I will simply become famous by virtue of my being famous. I will construct a synthetic celebrity and I will reap the benefits! Dromiceiomimus: But won't you be remembered as someone that nobody actually liked? T-Rex: I am hoping to be remembered as "the dude with the confusing allure". Utahraptor: So how do you become famous in the first place, then? T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Oh, I must have explained it poorly. I'll just act like I'm famous, you know, get people to react to me like I'm famous, and then kapow! We have CRITICAL MASS for actual fame. Utahraptor: And I'm the guy who's going to be asked to act like you're famous? T-Rex: You guess correctly!! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Wow, is that T-Rex. He's the dude with the confusing allure, and I want to find out more? T-Rex (punchline): Aw, come on!! You're not even punctuating it properly!

t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

T-Rex: The Uncanny Valley is the name given to the idea that as we build robots that look more and more like real people, the more we approach a point where we all say "oh God oh God what is wrong with that robot where did it all go wrong OH GOD". T-Rex: This also applies to animation! T-Rex: The idea is that crudely-realized characters don't look like real people, but we can see some qualities of real people in them, so they're cute! But as you add more and more realism without quite reaching perfection, you reach a point where suddenly instead of cartoons that look real, they're real people who look TERRIBLY WRONG. Cuteness is replaced with the same reaction we'd have to a putrid, retching, animated corpse: revulsion, and the question "Why??". Utahraptor: But if you can make the characters look even better, you get past that! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: Hence the "valley" - you accept the creature more and more, then are suddenly repulsed, then you accept it the most. Utahraptor: Perhaps... a powerful metaphor for LOVE? T-Rex: Hah! I don't think I love the way you do! Narrator: LATER, AT HALLOWE'EN! T-Rex: There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley! Off panel: No problem, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.

have you ever searched for porn sites with your best friend just to settle a bet? if you have then okay! you don't need to brag about it. god. i was just asking.

Narrator: HOW TO ATTRACT MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX T-Rex: Yes! THIS is a topic I know ALL ABOUT. T-Rex: Okay! The first way is to draw attention to your hips! T-Rex: This is because women have larger more flared hips then men do, on account of secondary sexual characteristics! So all heterosexual men cannot help but find women's hips UTTERLY FASCINATING, and all heterosexual women find men's hips FLABBERGASTINGLY EROTIC. Dromiceiomimus: I've never really been that into hips, T-Rex! T-Rex: Perhaps that is because you have a case of the perversions! T-Rex: The second way is to draw attention to your skull! Utahraptor: You mean face? T-Rex: Nope, skull! Men have heavier skulls than women, so again, men find light skulls unbelievably sexy, and women find heavy skulls ASTONISHINGLY GORGEOUS. Utahraptor: Hah! I'll bet you five dollars we can't find even one porn site that's about heavy and light skulls. Narrator: BUT SOON, HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES! T-Rex: Utahraptor! Searching for internet fetish pornography has robbed me of any erotic desires I may have once had! Off panel: Me too! T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Let's never look at our bodies again!!

later, the devil is all alone and he says 'THAT WAS AS GOOD AN EXPLANATION AS I DESERVE'

Devil: MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE T-Rex: In one sentence starting with "Dude"? Devil: FINE T-Rex: Dude, road trips rule! T-Rex: What's special about them is that it's a time when you and your friends can sit together in single place for literally hours and chat, but protracted silences don't need to be filled. You can just look out the windows or nap! If you were all in a blank room somewhere, it would be weird to just sit there and stare at the walls, but the ever-changing scenery in a car provides a distraction that is both welcomed and also easy to interrupt. There's nothing like it! Utahraptor: An idea: we should all go on a road trip! T-Rex: Yes!! I agree! T-Rex: I vote we trip to: Brazil! Utahraptor: That's pretty far. How about someplace closer? T-Rex: THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA?? Utahraptor: We'd need a car that works on water for that. T-Rex: Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water?? Off panel: [small] aw come on you guys it's mine T-Rex (punchline): Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

this comic is inspired by my friend chris and his remarkable, remorseless, and above all truly inspiring love of meat and cheese.

Narrator: INSPIRATION FOR DUDES! T-Rex: Dudes! Are you in need of inspiration? T-Rex: Then dudes, come on!! It's time to get inspired! Narrator: INSPIRATION 1: SUNSETS? T-Rex: Sunsets can be inspiring if you are a sensitive dude, or a super weepy dude. Dromiceiomimus: Or a solar scientist dude! T-Rex: Yes! Solar scientist dudes ARE, scientifically, nature's most inspired dudes. Dromiceiomimus: Everyone knows it! Narrator: INSPIRATION 2: STOMPING ON THINGS Utahraptor: Not every dude is inspired by that! T-Rex: Hah! Whatevs! Narrator: INSPIRATION 3: CHEESEBURGERS T-Rex: I love eating cheeseburgers! Utahraptor: I know! T-Rex: Sometimes, it's - inspiring? Narrator: INSPIRATION 4: CHEESEBURGERS AGAIN T-Rex (punchline): It's - it's a symphony of meat and cheese?

if you don't fantasize in pixel IM conversations then um, what are you waiting for

T-Rex: I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies? T-Rex: DID THEY?? T-Rex: Because if you accept that the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care? Utahraptor: I'm not convinced that's fair, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! Like, today, we think the universe is roughly spherical and finite. What's at the edge of the universe? A wall? Evil twins? We usually answer with "nothing", but I can see better informed but equally jerky people in the future making fun of us for this. T-Rex: [narrates] Utahraptor had made an excellent point. I felt embarrassed, and soon found myself imagining different conversations I could've had instead. It was good times! [T-Rex imagines a dialog between Dromiceiomimus and himself] Imaginary Dromiceiomimus: Dude I love you! Imaginary T-Rex (punchline): Cool beans

can you imagine a world where everyone had an evil villain moustache? i, for one, would watch more reality television

T-Rex: Man! Time for me to grow some friggin' FACIAL HAIR. T-Rex: [imagines himself sporting handlebar mustache] T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: This is one situation where men have the clear gender advantage! Utahraptor: Facial hair? T-Rex: Yep! Sure, women get to feel the miracle of life growing inside them and the joy of birth or of laying eggs or WHATEVER, but we get to engineer hairy faces AT OUR LEISURE. Utahraptor: I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too! T-Rex: The way you say it - is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies? Off panel: Not to my knowledge! T-Rex: Dude, we have to start it!! T-Rex (punchline): Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!

i thought i invented this cheat but philosopher Ned Block beat me to the punch here, and the machine he imagines to do this is called 'blockhead', which, i concede, is a pretty awesome name for a made-up universe-sized computer

Narrator: HOW TO PASS THE TURING TEST Narrator: a helpful comic for machine intelligences that "just have trouble in test situations" T-Rex: The Turing test is a test that all emergent intelligences face at one point or another! T-Rex: In it, you have a REAL person engaged in a text conversation with both a person and a machine, and that person has to determine which responder is which. If the machine can appear more "alive" than the person, then they pass! Dromiceiomimus: And then they're officially conscious? T-Rex: Nope! The problem is that the test doesn't prove consciousness, just communication, and um, it can be faked. Utahraptor: Oh man - you're going to say "brute force"! You're going to use the brute force approach! T-Rex: Hells yes! T-Rex: Since conversations don't last forever, then there's a finite number of sentences that make sense and that are at least passibly grammatical, so you can just record every possible response to every possible word combination, and kapow! Responses like a real person. Utahraptor: Man! That's lame. T-Rex: What's lame? We've just totally faked out the Turing test and all it required was near infinite storage space! Brute force: the approach of kings and the king of approaches? Off panel: I disagree! T-Rex (punchline): Tell me more about DISAGREE?

if you don't know him, heidegger is a 20th-century philosopher who is notoriously difficult to read. this is me: 'haha ouch heidegger sorry you're so hard to read dude :o'

T-Rex: Oh man, am I ever sick. Me! I never get sick but this time I've gotten sick. T-Rex: My mighty body lies in shambles! T-Rex: Oh, Dromiceiomimus, you've got to save me! Failing that, tell them my story. Regale future generations with stories of Mighty T-Rex, felled by nothing greater than the common cold. Irony will be my theme, stomping my leitmotif!! Dromiceiomimus: You've got a runny nose? T-Rex: Oh, and a headache too! This is how my story ends: not in a bang but a sniffle. For shame! Utahraptor: Can I tell people your story? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is APPARENTLY UNWILLING, so yes! Utahraptor: Excellent! I'M going to shoehorn my own politics into your tale, reducing you to a mere representation of Heidegger and the story to transparent lecturing in which characters often break the fourth wall to tell my readers what they should believe! T-Rex: Aw dude! You're imagining it right now!! Utahraptor: [starts daydreaming] [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: I represent Heidegger! Watch as I stomp on "the little guy" who's just trying to understand my seemingly purposely obscure philosophical writing! Off panel: Wow! Utahraptor is right in everything he says! T-Rex (punchline): You said it, everyone!

t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

T-Rex: Do you get to write your own epitaph? If you do, then mine will seriously be "Here lies T-Rex: the radical dude with the radical 'tude!" Or even "T-Rex: smart and trim; let's be like him"! Narrator: T-REX'S BUSY DAY Dromiceiomimus: Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like - instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video! T-Rex: That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards ("DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD") but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have? Dromiceiomimus: A kid in a tree, and then the tree becomes enormous, and the kid is happy about that. T-Rex: Hmm! I guess I'd have a picture of me giving a thumbs up. Utahraptor: Lame! T-Rex: You didn't let me finish! THEN, over me and my thumbs up, a newspaper spins towards the camera 1930s style, fills the frame, and the headline says "T-REX AWESOME, DEAD!" Utahraptor: Huh - not bad, actually! Do me. T-Rex: Okay! Let me think... T-Rex: Alright - YOURS would be a video of a soggy dog, and then the dog throws up a little, and then there's a subtitle that says "BAD DECISIONS". Off panel: Okay I'm putting in my will that you can't ever do a video epitaph for me. T-Rex (punchline): That's tough, yet fair!

i have long held that t2 is the platonic form of action movies. all it's missing is a sex scene, and all that does to a movie is make it awkward to watch with your parents, so whatever! living liquid metal robots from the future NEVA4GET

Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY GOODBYE: T-Rex: Later! Narrator: THAT WAY'S OKAY Narrator: NEVER USE THIS WAY PLEASE: T-Rex: Compadres! I bid you each... ADIEU! Narrator: THIS WAY IS ALSO PRETTY TERRIBLE: T-Rex: It's not "goodbye", just - "farewell". This isn't the end, Dromiceiomimus, but merely the end of an era. One door closes as another opens, and we can't forever live in the past! A new, brighter tomorrow beckons. Narrator: I DON'T KNOW WHERE T-REX IS GOING WITH THIS. IT IS JUST ONE CLICHÉ AFTER ANOTHER. IF I COULD TALK TO T-REX I WOULD SAY, HELLO T-REX, WHAT IS THE DEAL. Narrator: HERE'S A GOOD WAY: T-Rex: Hasta la vista, tiny woman! Utahraptor: Stop it, T-Rex! Narrator: THAT WAS GOOD BECAUSE WE ALL SAW TERMINATOR 2. THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE Utahraptor: I liked it. T-Rex: Oh my God, me too!! Narrator: ANYWAY IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO SAY GOODBYE. Narrator: THE ONLY TIME IT IS HARD IS WHEN YOU ARE SAYING A FINAL GOODBYE TO SOMEONE WHO MEANS MORE TO YOU THAN ANYTHING: T-Rex: I'll always love you! Narrator (punchline): WORDS WILL SEEM TRITE AND YOU'LL FOREVER REGRET YOUR INABILITY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. THE END!

if you randomly typed in 'qwantz.com' to your browser looking for topless friends, then boy! you are partially in luck!

God: HEY T-REX God: TODAY IS THE DAY WHEN EVERYONE HAS TO TELL A STORY FROM THEIR PAST BEGINNING WITH "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOPLESS" T-Rex: Denied! T-Rex: TODAY is the day we talk about meritocracy! T-Rex: In a meritocracy all jobs, including government jobs, are assigned based on MERIT. So if you're the best at a job then it's yours, regardless of your sex or gender or race or stupid mustachio or anything! Dromiceiomimus: But what if I'm awesome at set design while also truly despising all aspects of set design? T-Rex: Then you wouldn't actually be the best! You'd get some other job you're better at. The result: PURE UNCUT UTOPIA. Utahraptor: Yeah, the only problem is there's absolutely no way to accurately judge merit! T-Rex: Sure there is! Utahraptor: No way dude! You'd have to know the exact skills AND future potential of EVERYONE. If you had some omniscient and impartial third party then MAYBE, but you'll never get rid of cronyism when you have regular dudes trying to determine who's best. There's too much potential for authoritarianism and corruption! T-Rex: God! Can YOU be an omniscient and impartial third party for me? God: HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN TALKING ABOUT MERITOCRACY God: TOPLESS God: FRIGGIN God (punchline): FRIENDS

mulvey LATER wrote that the paper in which she talked about the male gaze was meant as more 'provocation' than 'well-reasoned argument'. sweet! this is a great way to silence critics. it is the 'hah - you fell for it suckers!' school of debate. the only allowable response is 'oh man, you got me! you got me!!'

Devil: MMM SALUTATIONS T-REX Devil: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE MALE GAZE T-Rex: I have, actually! It's a film theory. T-Rex: The idea is that the camera is situated by and for men! T-Rex: Thus, we always see more of the woman's body than we do of the man's in film - the camera possesses the (heterosexual) male gaze, and thereby disenfranchises the woman by reducing her to the passive object of gaze, while the male is elevated to the active gazer. It is a NOT UNCONTROVERSIAL theory. Devil: YES BUT T-Rex: - but what about that as applied to video games? Devil: UM T-Rex: Wow, I never thought YOU'D be interested in this male gazey stuff! Utahraptor: Who'd be interested? Devil: APPARENTLY ME T-Rex: The Devil! I thought he was more interested in, you know, WALL HAXX than in sexual power structures societally encoded into the cinematic gaze! (The added wrinkle of increased agency in games makes it EXTRA interesting!) Utahraptor: Huh! I guess he surprised you! Devil: IN REALITY T-REX I WAS MERELY PLAYING SINGLE PLAYER COMPUTER JEOPARDY AND NEEDED TO KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH THE THEORY T-Rex: Laura Mulvey! Devil: I ASSURE YOU Devil (punchline): THE TIMER HAS LONG SINCE EXPIRED

'too much poo' is the result of trying to not offend delicate sensibilities with the word 'diarrhoea', but then coming up with a euphemism that is more emphatic than the word it's trying to replace. if your life is like mine, then there hundreds more similar examples in your past! that's crazy!

T-Rex: Okay okay - time to solve ALL the problems. Narrator: PROBLEM 1: NOT ENOUGH SALT T-Rex: Buy more salt! It's free from the ocean? Narrator: PROBLEM 2: TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE; THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED T-Rex: Um. I don't know how to solve this problem. Dromiceiomimus: Divorce? T-Rex: I guess, but what about the child? T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: We don't feel qualified to comment!! Narrator: PROBLEM 3: ATE TOO MANY CRACKERS T-Rex: Lay off the crackers! Utahraptor: Yeah! Narrator: PROBLEM 4: ATE NOT ENOUGH CRACKERS NOW Utahraptor: Okay, you can lay on the crackers again a little. T-Rex: Hooray! More crackers for everyone! Utahraptor: But only a little! We don't need a repeat of Problem 3 here. MODERATION is the key to a good diet! Narrator: PROBLEM 5: SKINNY DUDES TALKING ABOUT MODERATION IN DIETING T-Rex: Whatever! There are still like a billion problems left. We haven't even touched on my problem yet! Off panel: What problem is that, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor!! It's "too much poo"!

i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes! Lesbians! Guess What? Here is How to Get Women to Like You'. it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

Narrator: COMICS FOR DUDES AND LESBIANS! Narrator: today's comic: Narrator: HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO LIKE YOU T-Rex: Okay dudes and lesbians! Getting a woman to like you is easy! T-Rex: There are plenty of websites, magazine articles and body spray ads that will reassure you that women are just conquests without agency and that they won't have sex with you unless you suggest it to them first. My advice is DIFFERENT. My advice is rooted in reality and allows for women actually wanting the intercourse sometimes! Utahraptor: Okay, so let's hear it! T-Rex: The advice? Utahraptor: Yeah. Let's hear this modern, sexually enlightened advice that applies to both lesbians AND dudes. T-Rex: WELL, for that you'll have to buy my book, "Dudes! Lesbians! Guess What? Here is How to Get Women to Like You". But since we're friends, I'll give you a sneak peek! T-Rex: "CHAPTER 3: At The Bar. There are sometimes lots of women at the bar. If you want to talk to one, then maybe she will want to talk to you! Then you can become her favourite dude or lesbian." Off panel: That's not very helpf- T-Rex (punchline): "Intercourse ensues!"

c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

Narrator: COMICS FOR HETEROSEXUAL CHICKS AND TOTALLY GAY DUDES! Narrator: today's comic Narrator: HOW TO GET A MAN TO LIKE YOU T-Rex: Okay heterosexual chicks and totally gay dudes! Getting a man to like you is TRIVIAL. T-Rex: Have you tried sexing him up? Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: T-Rex, that's terrible! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex: What's terrible? I'm just propogating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- T-Rex: Wait, that is terrible. Utahraptor: Uh-huh! T-Rex: ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me! Multiple off-panel voices: It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!! T-Rex (punchline): SERIOUSLY??

i sit really quietly, and when they try to talk to me i play 'in the hall of the mountain king' on a synthesizer that only synthesizes the screams of children

Narrator: COMICS FOR ASEXUAL CHICKS AND DUDES! Narrator: today's comic Narrator: UM, HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU T-Rex: I suggest telling them that you're asexual! T-Rex: PROBLEM: SOLVED. T-Rex: The end! Utahraptor: That uh, that might not be the most helpful advice T-Rex! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Well, if they're still in the Asexuality Closet, you're saying they should come out, which probably also means explaining to a confused AND amorous person what asexuality is! I can see wanting to avoid that. T-Rex: FINE. Asexual people: you should do what I do when I want someone not to like me anymore! Narrator: WHAT T-REX DOES WHEN HE WANTS SOMEONE NOT TO LIKE HIM ANYMORE: T-Rex (punchline): [small] I sit in a boat until they go away

this comic is based on a story where I was talking with a guy and the guy said 'ryan you sure do use a lot of exclamation marks' and I said 'we're talking! how can you tell if I'm using them or not?' and hold on wait this story's no good

T-Rex: I have received complaints. Apparently I use too many exclamation marks! APPARENTLY I AM TOO EXCITABLE. Well, not anymore! Today is a day of level-headedness! T-Rex: Starting right... NOW! T-Rex: So. How are you Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I'm fine, T-Rex! T-Rex: That's good. I'm fine too. Do I seem level-headed to you? It's because I am not exclaiming anything. I am calm and reserved. You might be reaching for a word. That word is "unflappable". Dromiceiomimus: Huh! I guess you do seem A LITTLE unflappable. Utahraptor: So you're altering your personality to suit - who? T-Rex: Complainants. T-Rex: I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are. Utahraptor: Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are! T-Rex: I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising. Off panel: Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST INTO HIS MOUTH?? T-Rex (punchline): SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

you offend a regular person it's okay, but then you offend a sexy person and everyone's all YOU'RE CRAZY

T-Rex: I have a friend who got an email invitation to a sex party! Someone here did not receive a corresponding invitation. T-Rex: THAT PERSON IS ME Narrator: T-REX AND THE SEX PARTY T-Rex: Not that I want to go to a sex party, but I had no idea that you could get invited to them over EMAIL, and, um, also, that they actually existed! Dromiceiomimus: So now, whenever you're home reading a book or whatever, will you think "Man! I could be at a SEX PARTY right now!"? T-Rex: Now that you've mentioned it, YES I WILL. Utahraptor: So who was on the Sex Party Invite List? T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex: It was hidden, so as to keep things discreet. It's kind of funny, because who knows who you'll run into? Old girlfriends? Bosses? THE POSTMAN? There's a danger in going to a sex party. Utahraptor: Good to know. T-Rex: Good to know! Narrator: ANYWAY! T-REX FORGETS ABOUT THE SEX PARTY BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T GO ANYWAY, BECAUSE HOW DO YOU ACT AT A SEX PARTY? WHAT ARE THE CUSTOMS THERE, THE MORES? HE DOESN'T KNOW. T-Rex: What if I offended someone sexy? Narrator (punchline): THERE'S THAT TOO

determinism: seriously guys, let's never talk about it again!

T-Rex: Determinism is the idea that every event and thought ever is predetermined! This determination is NOT done by fate or God or whatever, but rather by an almost endless chain of prior events. Causality is king! T-Rex: Also: there's also no such thing as a random event! T-Rex: A nice benefit of this is that free will is reduced to a complete illusion, since everything anyone ever does is already decided. On the plus side, this means that you can decide to do anything you want, because you're not responsible for it! But on the minus side, it means that you can't ever ACTUALLY decide to do anything. Thanks, determinism! Utahraptor: But come on, even if free will is an illusion, it's a convincing one! T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: So who cares if everything is predetermined then? If it's utterly convincing that I have free will, what does it matter if it's all predetermined? I'm still affecting events in ways I choose. T-Rex: But you'd just be lying to yourself! You're affecting events, but not CHOOSING anything. Off panel: So how can I be faulted for that, T-Rex... IF IT WAS ALREADY DETERMINED THAT I'D LIE TO MYSELF? T-Rex: Hooray! You pass determinism. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Now, let's never talk about it again!

an orbital tower is an elevator that goes straight up into SPACE. i believe this is the first time it has been suggested that one could jump out of them onto giant trampolines. arthur c clarke called satellites but i call this!

T-Rex: When you break up with someone, can you still be friends? T-Rex: Sources say, "Yep! SURE CAN!" T-Rex: I think it's a good idea because you loved them, right? I don't see that changing just because you broke up. They still must be pretty great! Dromiceiomimus: But - what if you broke up with them because you didn't love them anymore? T-Rex: OKAY. But there still must be things that attracted you to them, and you can still have those as friends! Maybe they're really good at karaoke, or adept at shoe repair. That's attractive! Utahraptor: That IS attractive! T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! Utahraptor: But I think you're ignoring the possibility that even just seeing this person could be too painful, shoe repair aside. That happens pretty often! T-Rex: OKAY HONESTLY I did not expect this to be this complicated. All my breakups have been clean AND totally awesome! Narrator: THE PAST BREAKUP CAM: [vertical motion lines above T-Rex] T-Rex: We jumped out of an orbital tower and are now freefalling from outer space onto giant trampolines! Off panel: I know! I think we should see other people, baby! T-Rex (punchline): That's cool!

my birthday wish is to have dinosaurs sing 80s hip hop in bad french! you probably have similar desires

Narrator: "THE TALENT SHOW" T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I have a great idea for our act: let's put on a play! T-Rex: A Batman play! Dromiceiomimus: A Batman play? What's a Batman play? T-Rex: It's a play about BATMAN! I'll play Batman! Dromiceiomimus: Sorry T-Rex! NOT INTERESTED. Utahraptor: My friend, nobody wants to put on a "Batman play"! T-Rex: But I'LL be playing Batman! Utahraptor: How is that a selling point? If we were to put on a Batman play, we'd probably all want to play Batman. That is the essential folly of the Batman play. T-Rex: Okay FINE, we'll do Plan Omega. Upon closer inspection, I can see myself REALLY getting into Plan Omega! Narrator: PLAN OMEGA: T-Rex: Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French. Off panel: Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles. T-Rex: Poussez-le bon! Off panel (punchline): Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

you can use 'sexually attracted in reverse' to describe all sorts of things you don't like! for example, a mcdonalds fish sandwich is like being sexually attracted in reverse.

T-Rex: So there's this guy I know, and he must be a friend of a friend because I see him sometimes at parties, but WE can never be friends because I find looking at him intensely frustrating. He has the world's most punchable face! Narrator: T-REX AND THE GUY WITH THE WORLD'S MOST PUNCHABLE FACE T-Rex: And it's terrible! It reflects poorly on me, I know, but there's just something about him that is BAD for me. It's like being sexually attracted in reverse? I just end up avoiding the guy. He's got a stupid face for jerks! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: I guess I just can't get past my prejudice against people with stupid faces for jerks. Utahraptor: Oh man, I knew a guy like that! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! We went to the same school. He's the only guy I've ever felt that way about! T-Rex: I know! It's the same with me. MY ONLY CONSOLATION is that somebody else probably thinks I, T-Rex, have a stupid face, so at least I'll get my prejudice from both sides. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: Off panel: Hey you! You've got a stupid face! I- I want to punch it! T-Rex: This somehow validates my own prejudice, mysterious stranger across the street! Off panel (punchline): I get that a lot!!

you'd think a dude with such good and practiced stomping skills would focus more on his feet than his fists, but sometimes all we can focus on is our weak points. THAT IS SOME DEEP AND MEANINGFUL STUFF RIGHT THERE DUDES AND LADIES

T-Rex: In the past I have called my fists "Knuckles and Chuckles", and then later upgraded to the truly compelling "Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!" but now I have an even better nickname! T-Rex: The CHINESE BUFFET! T-Rex: That way I can menace someone with my fists and say "Do you WANT to visit the Chinese Buffet? It's all you can eat TONIGHT, baby!" Dromiceiomimus: All you can eat? T-Rex: All you can eat KNUCKLE SANDWICHES! The Chinese Buffet serves Chinese food AND knuckle sandwiches to those who are cruisin' for a steaming plate of them. I cannot stress this enough: it's all you can eat. T-Rex: I can ALSO say "Looks like it's LADIES' NIGHT at the Buffet tonight!" Hee hee! Utahraptor: For when you... beat up women? T-Rex: No, for after I beat up a dude and want to imply that he's actually a woman, in case he's the sort of guy who gets mad at that! Although I COULD also use it if I fought women - like, a cabal of sexy, yet EVIL, librarians! Utahraptor: You will be prepared if that happens! The only problem is: you're not Chinese? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense? God: ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY AT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE T-Rex (punchline): Oh that is so a deal.

if there was a superhero with a time-reversing ray then i guess you could call him Time-Reversing Ray

T-Rex: What a lovely day for a walk! I enjoy crisp fall air AND the changing colour of the leaves. T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: I am down with fall! God: I'M DOWN WITH FALL TOO T-REX T-Rex: Okay! Because if you're down with fall then you're down with me. Dromiceiomimus: I'm also down with fall, T-Rex! T-Rex: Excellent! Then we're ALL down with fall. Utahraptor: I, as well, am down with fall! T-Rex: Excellent. T-Rex: Then I guess - I guess to summarize here, we're all in favour of fall. We're all "down" with it. Utahraptor: Yes. T-Rex: Good! Good. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY STUFF HAPPENING: T-Rex: Utahraptor! Can I borrow your time-reversing ray real quick? Off panel: What for? T-Rex (punchline): Dude! I wanna aim it at the left half of my face and cause problems!!

t-rex how could superman possibly know his own birthday? his parents put him in a rocket ship when he was a baby. that's crazy!

T-Rex: Attention world! Who wants to come over and help me celebrate... T-Rex: ...SUPERMAN'S BIRTHDAY?? Dromiceiomimus: You're celebrating the birthday of a fictional character? T-Rex: Sure am! While Superman may be fictional, the cake and good times will be SUPER real! Dromiceiomimus: I might, um, feel a little weird celebrating the birthday of a fictional character, but I'll try to be there! T-Rex: Excellent! It will be SUPER good times! Utahraptor: Can I come? T-Rex: Sure can! T-Rex: And I assure you it will be... SUPER excellent? Utahraptor: I bet it will be, assuming you don't make "super" puns the whole night long! T-Rex: Hah hah! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!! Narrator: LATER, AT THE PARTY: T-Rex (punchline): [small] I drank too much

if you're looking to set yourself up for a fall, you should go around telling people how you plan to remain sane. then if you go crazy later on, oh wow! everyone will say 'remember how truly intent he used to be on remaining sane? how ironic.'

T-Rex: I have the best idea ever for a series of books! Oh MAN. I'll be rich and famous! T-Rex: Two words: T-Rex: Shakespeare prequels! T-Rex: Cha-ching! It's great, because everyone loves Shakespeare AND ALSO finding out what characters were up to before they got interesting. It'll be Hamlet, only he's happy and well-adjusted, walking around saying "I certainly hope my father doesn't get murdered! InDEED!" and then Ophelia says "That's right, baby! I, incidentally, plan to remain sane." and then there's IRONY. Shakespeare fans love irony! Utahraptor: So it's just Hamlet? T-Rex: No way dude! T-Rex: It's ALL the famous plays. All's Well that Begins Well! Prince Lear! Romeo and Juliet Babies! That one's Romeo and Juliet, only they're tiny and smelly. Utahraptor: That one actually sounds really awesome. T-Rex: I know! Narrator: SOON, T-REX IS PITCHING HIS IDEA TO A PUBLISHER: T-Rex: "For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Baby Juliet and her Baby Romeo". Off panel: I'm sorry? T-Rex (punchline): Star-cross'd babies!

remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley! he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

T-Rex: Woo! Hallowe'en! I love Hallowe'en because I love dressing up. T-Rex: I also love LOOKING at people who are dressed up. It's on account of how costumes are awesome! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word "sexy" in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are "sexy pirates"! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse. T-Rex: It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD! Dromiceiomimus: The hospital is a medical doctor? T-Rex: They're that sexy. Utahraptor: But men can still buy regular costumes! T-Rex: That is true! T-Rex: Though I suppose in our haste to deconstruct the societal sexual roles and fantasies made tangible through the mass production of gendered costumes, we're forgetting about genderless costumes, like giant ape suits! Utahraptor: I've seen a sexy giant ape suit. T-Rex: Really? Where? Narrator: SOON! T-Rex (punchline): HOTT

this comic goes out to my dad, who will have whole conversations with you just so he can get you to say something that he's got a pun response prepared for. it's good times! for one person in the conversation!

T-Rex: I have come up with the ULTIMATE COMEBACK to be used on musicians! All I have to do is wait for one to put me down, and then I can be all: T-Rex: "Oh yeah? Well here in the REAL world, WE don't get to rest for 32 bars!" T-Rex: Hee hee! It's funny, Dromiceiomimus, because sometimes in a song musicians get to rest for 32 bars, while here in the real world, we don't get to do that because we're not, um - trained musicians. Dromiceiomimus: I got that, yeah! It seems like it would only work on a musician who's lazy though, right? Or who's insulting you about being lazy? T-Rex: IT WILL WORK ON ALL MUSICIANS. Just you wait! Utahraptor: Do you even know any musicians, T-Rex? T-Rex: I will soon! Utahraptor: I see! You're going to befriend some musicians, purely for the hope that one day one of them will turn out to be a jerk and insult you and then you can use your elaborate zinger on them! T-Rex: YEP! Here's a tip: it's part of the reason WE first became friends. Narrator: YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well HERE in the REAL WORLD, the rest of us don't have to raise the giant toenail of our second toe up while running to avoid damaging it! Off panel: That's a racially charged insult! T-Rex (punchline): I take it back I take it back!!

ATTENTION AUTHORS: please to write more books where the narrator rates the ending's satisfiability in the last sentence of each story. are we cool

T-Rex: Man! I need to stop making all the mistakes. Today is NO MORE MISTAKES FOR T-REX DAY. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Aw diggity damn! Somehow I forgot to rinse my toothbrush after use today! T-Rex: WELL, it seems that despite my proclamation, I keep on making mistakes! Dromiceiomimus: What kind of mistakes, besides the toothbrush one? T-Rex: Oh, tons of mistakes. I accidentally offended a friend last night and it was entirely my fault, and I feel terrible. Mistakes like that! Big mistakes. Utahraptor: Oooh, juicy gossip! Let's dish! T-Rex: Nopers! T-Rex: I'm not dishing on MYSELF, because then you'll clearly spread the gossip around, since only gossips would say "let's dish!". Also I am sincerely embarrassed and ashamed! Utahraptor: Please? Pleeeease tell me what you did that was so stupid? T-Rex: Okay. But you have to keep it secret! Narrator (punchline): SOON, T-REX TELLS UTAHRAPTOR THE STORY AND UTAHRAPTOR RESPECTS HIS WISHES FOR PRIVACY! WHAT A SATISFYING ENDING.

yes, utahraptor calls his bathroom sink whitey. people sometimes call for his sink to be killed?

Narrator: T-REX HAS SNUCK INTO UTAHRAPTOR'S HOUSE AND SWITCHED THE HOT AND COLD PIPES LEADING TO HIS BATHROOM SINK. T-Rex: Tee hee! Narrator: LET'S WATCH! Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that kind of an expensive, elaborate prank, T-Rex? The worst that'll happen is he'll get cold water when he expects hot. T-Rex: Hilarious! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe he'll burn himself a little! T-Rex: COMEDY RELENTLESSLY ENSUES?? Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! What's new? T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? Utahraptor: Oh, same old, same old! "The good ol' bathroom sink", you know? Good ol' reliable Whitey! T-Rex: Huh! T-Rex: Well! I guess I'm not a qualified plumber after all! Narrator: BUT, THREE PLUMBING DEGREES LATER! T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? Off panel: Whitey's hot and cold pipes got reversed! T-Rex (punchline): Awesome, man! Awesome!!

fictional jimbo wales, you old charmer! PS: CLICK TO SEE WHAT I DID YESTERDAY. I WROTE A MANIFESTO.

T-Rex: The Problem with Wikipedia is that it's peppered with vandalism at various times and at various locations: vandalism that remains until it's noticed by someone who knows enough and cares enough to fix it! SOMETIMES THIS CAN TAKE A WHILE. But! T-Rex: [small] *ahem* T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: I have solved the Wikipedia Problem! T-Rex: The solution is as brilliant as it is awesome: instead of vandalizing the ENTIRE encyclopedia, we all just agree to vandalize one article, leaving the other ones alone! That article is the one about chickens. Why? It's pretty obvious. DUDES ALREADY KNOW ABOUT CHICKENS. T-Rex: In conceding that one TINY article to the vandals, Wikipedia wins! Their victory: a FULLY ACCURATE encyclopedia that covers every topic in the universe, 'cept chickens. Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is worse than taking on the mob! Wikipedia will be HELLUVA mad at you! T-Rex: No way! I am doing them a FAVOUR. T-Rex: Their vandalism problem GOES AWAY, FOREVER, and all that I ask is that chickens become The Forbidden Topic. "We never talk about chickens", they can say. "DON'T ASK." Utahraptor: But how are you going to get people to respect this idea? Plus, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT MANY WIKIPEDIA EDITORS ARE TRULY HUMOURLESS ABOUT WIKIPEDIA?? T-Rex: I guess we're about to find out! I bet Fictional Jimbo Wales loves the idea. Off panel: I do love this idea, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Fictional Jimbo Wales! You brought cupcakes!!

can you just call utahraptor and, you know, casually mention that you would though? i PROMISE there'll be no consequences. i PROMISE.

T-Rex: I have the ultimate CONVERSATION FILLER. Now no longer will there be awkward pauses in my conversations! Oh yes. No longer. T-Rex: Because whenever I don't know what to say, I'll just exclaim "Sounds like a good date!" T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus - can you describe your ideal waterslide for me? Dromiceiomimus: Um, sure! It's long, I guess, with lots of twists and turns, and some parts are dark so it's scarier, and everyone's screaming! Oh, and at the end, we all accidentally get chlorinated water in our eyes. T-Rex: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DATE, my friend!! Utahraptor: What? That wasn't even your example! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! What are you doing here? Utahraptor: I WAS WALKING BY AND COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. You're all "here's an example of an awkward pause!" but then set her up to say exactly what you want! Also it didn't even work, because nobody wants chlorinated water in their eyes on a date. T-Rex: We'll see about THAT! Narrator: T-REX CALLS HIS MOM ON SPEAKERPHONE: T-Rex: Hey mom, if you went out on a date with someone, would you want them to splash chlorinated water in your eyes? Off panel: No, honey. T-Rex (punchline): Aw MOM!

you could go over to Invention Personified's house and her mother would serve you all these super tasty cookies and you could say 'You've made some very delicious cookies, Mrs. Personified' and she'd say, 'oh, please, call me Necessity!' AND HEY PRESTO THAT WAS A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR A PUN

T-Rex: I am on the lookout for a new friend. A new, more ultimate friend: the best friend ever. T-Rex: I am on the lookout for science, personified! T-Rex: It will be so awesome, Dromiceiomimus! Can you imagine being friends with Science Personified? You'd never have your science questions go unanswered. I'd be all "Hey, how does a bumblebee fly?" and he'd be all "Yo, dynamic stall" and I'd be all "Sweetness!" Dromiceiomimus: So science personified is a man? T-Rex: Man! He can be a chick if he wants. He's SCIENCE PERSONIFIED. Utahraptor: And his name is - what, "Science Personified"? T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex: All I know is that we'll be able to test our theories of what his name really is through repeatable experimentation and observation. Utahraptor: I like how you're ignoring the problems of being friends with him, like what happens if you're out with Science AND Religion Personified and THEY BOTH CALL SHOTGUN. T-Rex: Luckily, I could just ask Invention Personified to come up with a way to settle the argument! Off panel: They're all siblings? T-Rex (punchline): I'm gonna say, "yes"?

yes! be that guy who brings leprechauns to the table

T-Rex: Something people like to argue about sometimes is whether or not certain things are genetically innate, or personal decisions! Narrator: NATURE VERSUS NURTURE Narrator: in comic form, baby T-Rex: If it's natural, then you can't really blame a person for having it, because they didn't have a choice. But if it's because of nurture, then you CAN blame them for it, or at the very least their parents! OR SOCIETY. Dromiceiomimus: Is the whole nature/nurture debate really about assigning blame? T-Rex: I think so! It doesn't change the "nature" (oh ho ho!) of what's being discussed, just its origin. Utahraptor: Well, it's not just about blame or credit, T-Rex, it's also about free will! T-Rex: Free will? Utahraptor: Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. You didn't have a choice. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too! God: GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION T-Rex: What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way? God: I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH God: DANG God (punchline): THAT'S GOOD TOO

he played 'data' on star trek. it's an exciting prospect, having your own brent spiner.

T-Rex: Literally hours of work have paid off, and I have come up with my greatest invention yet... a DUPLICATOR RAY! T-Rex: (Duplicator rays let you make perfect copies of anything!) Dromiceiomimus: Really? So if I have, say, a papier-mâché piñata dog filled with tasty candies, your duplicator ray will make a PERFECT duplicate? T-Rex: Yep! The duplicate is identical in every regard. The ray examines the object at the quantum AND subquantum levels and thanks to the twin fists of Actual Science and Heisenberg Compensators, makes a perfect copy, indistinguishable from the original! Utahraptor: I call baloney, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aha! On account of how it violates conservation of energy laws? Utahraptor: Nope, on account of how it's truly impossible to have a perfect copy of anything! Philosophically: if I paint a picture and you duplicate it, I'll grant that they can be identical in every way BUT ONE: mine is the original. That's a property that doesn't have a physical realization, so you can't ever duplicate it! T-Rex: Okay YEAH it's not original, but it's an OTHERWISE PERFECT DUPLICATE. I can destroy economies based on scarcity and generate clean drinking water for everyone! I can even DUPLICATE DUDES! I can't believe you're not more excited. T-Rex (punchline): I CAN DUPLICATE BRENT SPINER

those of you hoping for a greater exploration of 'let's get remarkably frisky' are advised to get remarkably frisky and, i don't know, take notes

T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase? T-Rex: Sources say: "DAMN girl, sure is!" T-Rex: That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! "Let's get remarkably frisky" (useful in many situations), "That's gobbles!" (meaning "that's crazy!", short for 'gobbledygook'), and "I lose at sex". Dromiceiomimus: Um. T-Rex: You can use "I lose at sex" for when you lose at sex. Dromiceiomimus: Um. Utahraptor: What's this "lose at sex" thing all about? T-Rex: Losing at sex! Dude! It's right there. T-Rex: It's like when people say "You lose at life", only better because it's more specific and also suggests that sex is not a competition, but that you found a way of making it one, and then, you lost at it. It's "the gobbles"? Utahraptor: Right. Anyway, I'm late for work! T-Rex: Shit! T-Rex (punchline): I'm unemployed!!

they do try though

T-Rex: A negative income tax, or "NIT", is when the government pays you money when your income is low! Pretty sweet! Narrator: NEGATIVE INCOME TAX COMICS Narrator: it will be interesting I PROMISE T-Rex: But there is a catch. You still pay taxes - say, a flat tax of 10% - BUT, the government also pays you enough to survive! This way there's a guaranteed minimum income - like welfare, but simpler. So if you make only $1000 in a year you'll pay $100 in taxes, but since the government pays everyone, say, $10000, you'll end up $9900 ahead in tax money. As you make more money, you net less from the government, until you end up actually paying taxes! Utahraptor: So this acts to replace welfare? T-Rex: Yep! And a bunch of related programs. T-Rex: It simplifies things, plus it includes a flat tax, which a lot of amateur economists AS WELL AS even some real economists like! Utahraptor: I can see fraud being a problem, though, especially since if the fraud's successful, the government loses real money. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Utahraptor! I just found out that Milton Friedman, proposer of the NIT, died yesterday at age 94! Off panel: One wonders if our conversation today would be an appropriate epitaph. T-Rex (punchline): Dude! I believe this not to be the case!!

if you're about to marry someone, ask yourself: do i love this person enough to not party with jodie foster EVER AGAIN? if so, you should tell them that! they'd love to hear it!

God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU FALLEN IN LOVE YET AND IF NOT God: WHY NOT T-Rex: Dude! I've been busy! God: COME ON EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IS TOTALLY MARRIED T-Rex: Man, whatever! T-Rex: First it was romance movies telling me that I won't be TRULY HAPPY unless I'm in a relationship, then it's the media at large, and now it's God? I AM TEMPTED TO NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN JUST TO PROVE A POINT. Dromiceiomimus: Aww! T-Rex, that would be terrible! I love you. T-Rex: I love you too and I'm glad we're friends! But MAN, I don't love people asking me when I'm going to get married. Utahraptor: So when ARE you going to get married, T-Rex? T-Rex: Argh! Two weeks! T-Rex: Happy? I'm going to find someone and we're going to get married and it's going to take two weeks. Okay? Utahraptor: Okay! T-Rex: Okay. Well then. I'd better get on this. Narrator: TWO WEEKS LATER, T-REX STILL ISN'T MARRIED. HE'S HAPPY THOUGH! HE'S HOSTING AN AWESOME PARTY INSTEAD! IT'S SO COOL! Off panel: Hey T-Rex, do you have any more potato chips? T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! You sure do love your chips, JODIE FOSTER!

i want to write more comics about liquid nuts enrobed in milk chocolate, so i can be all, num num num

Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENRE II T-Rex: I'm going nuts! T-Rex: LIQUID NUTS! T-Rex: See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I used "liquid" as an intensifier. Dromiceiomimus: Like "super"? T-Rex: Yep! It goes nuts, super nuts, nutty crackers, and then liquid nuts for only the nuttiest things. Dromiceiomimus: Can this also be applied to chocolate bars? T-Rex: YOU KNOW IT CAN'T. That would be heresy! Utahraptor: Liquid heresy! T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: I do think "nuts" can be applied to chocolate bars though. T-Rex: Okay honestly it can apply to chocolate bars, but it becomes confusing if the bar isn't crammed with nuts, or somehow liquidly nutty. There is a SEMANTIC COLLISION. Narrator: SUDDENLY! T-Rex: Anyway, I meant what I said about going nuts. I feel like I've got this powerful instinct for self-destruction, and I'm just fooling myself if I think I can control it. Off panel: You're so crazy, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): I'm wacky times!

they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

T-Rex: Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up? Off panel: PENETRATION [no text] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbours were all "penetration" and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes? Dromiceiomimus: They're just teasing you, T-Rex! They get a rise out of you so they keep at it. T-Rex: You'd react too! IT'S DAMN UNSETTLING. Plus, they shouted after me about "a new sexual position". Argh! Utahraptor: So what's so new about it? T-Rex: I HAVE NO IDEA. T-Rex: And I don't want to find out! You'd think that anything that could be invented has already been PRETTY MUCH COVERED. Utahraptor: I still think they're just trying to be your friend. They like you! T-Rex: They don't like me! They just like freaking me out! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION. T-Rex: No, thank you! I am busy with non-disgusting activities! Off panel: BUT IT'S CALLED "THE WIDOWMAKER", T-REX Off panel (punchline): WE NEED YOUR TORSO?

as a reptile, t-rex is confused, yet, intrigued

T-Rex: Sometimes when you're in an accident or about to be hurt, time seems to slow down! This gives you more of a chance to react to ensure your survival! T-Rex: THIS IS AWESOME. T-Rex: Assuming that time isn't ACTUALLY changing, this means that my brain has the incredible ability to slow down my perception of time! I must harness this, Dromiceiomimus! I could become TRULY UNSTOPPABLE. I could read books faster AND also do well on timed tests! Dromiceiomimus: It does sound like it would be an evolutionary advantage. T-Rex: I am seriously trying to evolve so hard over here! Utahraptor: But wouldn't it be boring? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: Sure it would! If you're all "I perceive the world slowly, allowing me more reaction time", wouldn't this conversation be slowed down? Wouldn't everyone look like statues and sound like dull rumbles when they open their mouths? T-Rex: THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. Narrator: T-REX INCREDIBLY GAINS THIS POWER FOR ONE DAY ONLY! IT'S SO PLAUSIBLE T-Rex: [thinks] I'm trapped in a body that moves so slowly as to seem motionless. Ah well! At least I have plenty of time to think about... mammalian breasts? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Self, what is the deal with mammalian breasts?

later: instead of writing an opera, t-rex writes to an elected official complaining about how he can't write an opera. he rationalizes to himself that they are pretty much the same thing, then goes to bed.

T-Rex: God, do you think I'm a good enough dude to write an opera? God: UM T-Rex: Man! Even God thinks I can't write an opera! Dromiceiomimus: Why would you want to write an opera, T-Rex? T-Rex: WELL, the consensus seems to be that opera is the classiest of the classical arts. If I could write a great opera, it would mean that I was awesome at composing music AND awesome at writing words for dudes and ladies to sing! It would also mean that I could move people with my AMAZING UNDERSTANDING OF EMOTIONS. Utahraptor: Hah! You're not a guy who understands emotions! T-Rex: I am. I am! Utahraptor: Not really dude! You understand how to make fun of them, MAYBE, but if I had a serious emotional issue, I don't think I'd come to you for empathy! T-Rex: I'm empathetic! Watch! Watch me be so emPATHETIC right now. T-Rex: Perhaps you have not yet noticed my odd pronunciation of "empathetic", hinting at a pun and a belief at odds with my literal speech? Off panel: No, I got that! T-Rex: Sweet! T-Rex (punchline): I'm glad we're friends!

next time you do the dishes, ask yourself if the dishes are clean, or if they're PHYSICAL INTIMACY clean. you may want to aim for the latter!

T-Rex: Remember my friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female)? That is not the only sexy adventure she has had! T-Rex: Not by a long shot! T-Rex: Like this one time she had a gentleman caller spend the night. Nothing happened, but the next day while she was at work, this guy did all her dishes for her! T-Rex: Then, that night, they had SEXUAL CONGRESS! T-Rex: Coincidence? Utahraptor: Or just one more way sexual intimacy is commodified? T-Rex: Sex for clean dishes! Exactly! Utahraptor: I was more pointing out that you're the guy who's drawing the equal sign between doing the dishes and having sex. They could be unrelated! T-Rex: And I'M just pointing out now we can tease her by offering to do her dishes and raising our eyebrows! I'm gonna do it like this: T-Rex (punchline): Hello! Can I clean your dishes??

it's the midas touch for double thumbs up and unbridled pro-kissing pan-horizon enthusiasm

Narrator: RUMOURS T-Rex: Someone's been spreading some stupid! T-Rex: ...about ME! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you hear the rumour about me? Dromiceiomimus: No, I didn't! What is it? Is it so JUICY? T-Rex: It's terrible! SOMEONE has been telling people that the only reason I stomp on things is because I have issues. PARENTAL issues! It makes me say this: "What??" Utahraptor: Hah! I think it's awesome you're still stomping on things, even with the rumour. T-Rex: Hells yes! T-Rex: I'm not gonna stop! I'm going to show people that the reason I stomp on things is because stomping on things is TRULY EXCELLENT. You should try it! Utahraptor: Nope! I'm not really one for the destruction, plus, I don't have your... PARENTAL ISSUES?? T-Rex: You know what? That doesn't bother me, because I'm starting my own T-Rex rumour! Tell your friends that I stomp things because WHENEVER I kiss someone, they always pull away, smile, give me a double thumbs up, and then run off over the horizon yelling "Totally radical!!" T-Rex (punchline): [tiny] it's frustrating