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After a month dealing with sleep paralysis, i got used to seeing hallucinations

But i noticed just now that my cat is staring at the man with the hat too

When I graduated from my old elementary school, I thought it would be the last time I ever walked through those doors.

Sometimes I really hate being a paramedic.

My mom says there is demon locked away in the cabinet that will rip our family apart.

But when she unlocked it it was only a pill bottle.

My father seemed distressed even though it looked like he'd bought so many new gold trinkets.

As I snuck up to him and gave him a hug, he dropped the gold food in his hand and looked at me with horror.

My daughter sat there in shock for a few seconds, after I called her my chubby little princess

I couldn't help but smirk when my bulimic daughter then ran off to the bathroom, as I emptied the contents of her plate onto mine and continued eating

"Dinner time!" said my owner, unlocking my cage

But my elation soon turned to horror when I realised he was talking to his dogs

"In sorry, but there's nothing we can do," the doctor said to me while he turned off the machine.

As my lungs began to fail, and vision go dark, the doctor left and added, "There's just been a shortage of organ donors."

Over 1 in 10 marriages end in a divorce, but my parents have stayed together through everything.

I tried to free mom once, but dad found out and locked me in the basement too.

It never bothered me that my family ate roadkill.

That was until my little sisters ball rolled into the middle of the road.

My daughter sat beside me in the car, sobbing as the Amber Alert went off on the radio.

But as I glanced at the scars her mother inflicted on her, I knew I was doing the right thing.

[APR22] I once met a devil named Dave and made a deal with him to always win any card game, but last night I kept losing to my mother.

After seeing her eyes turn black I excused myself to the toilet and summoned Dave, but he seemed as terrified as I was.

I pulled on the still moving arm under the rubble, happy that at least one of the scientists survived the explosion.

As I pulled out almost 3 meters of arm with the occasional elbow, I knew I found the only thing not meant to survive.

"I agree, abuse is abuse, even if it's a woman doing it to a man" my wife said at the dinner table.

If only our dinner guests could see the bruises under my shirt, or knew how our 6 kids were conceived...

Leaving the dying world infested with zombies behind, I managed to teleport to a time before it all happened.

Happy to be in a zombie free world, I felt a pang of pain in my right leg; I saw that the scratch I had gotten from a zombie was now red and infected.

I just found my notebook containing my college essay on goverments brainwashing people and making them forget things

The strangest part is, I never went to college.

The seven year-old boy awoke up the next morning, both exhausted and shocked as the memories of his longest dream yet began to fade.

As his memories blended into nothing-ness, he would never be aware of the fact that the last eighty-four years of his life were the result of an eight hour fever-dream.

"These are the buttons your war hero great grandaddy took from the people he killed" said Mom as she handed me the battered old tin box.

I counted five old Wehrmacht buttons, three SS, one Luftwaffe, three Fed-Ex, two Pizza Hut and six USPS buttons.

Counting sheep is a good way to fall asleep.

Counting the number of floorboard creaks is a great way to stay awake.

I do not understand this at all.

Why are there only 2 packs of ramen when I clearly asked the genie for a lifetime supply of them?

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.

His life's work finally done, he rolled over and slept peacefully.

I wrote "Mom, dad he just proposed to me and made me the happiest girl on Earth" as my tears drop on the letter.

"No tears, write it again!" He said.

"I'd haunt tf outta you if I die" we used to joke.

But seeing the fear in your eyes as you look at what I've become, I can't help but to smile

Upon my request the heavenly scribe told me: "Your husband is here because he died as a Christian, your daughter is not for she lost her faith because of what your husband did to her."

I wanted to protest, but then the eternal bliss of being in God's presence washed over me and nothing else mattered anymore.

I approached a man in the graveyard and told him that I was too scared to walk alone.

As he escorted me back to my grave he said, "Don't worry, you'll get used to it".

Ever wondered why so few people have the "sixth sense"?

It's called natural selection, 'cause the moment you can sense them, they can sense you.

When angels commit an unforgivable sin, they are banished from eternal paradise and reborn into a life of misery and suffering.

And we wonder why babies are born screaming.

After capturing all of the cult members, we found the missing girl's body on the altar, then the autopsy revealed a 10-week-old fetus inside of her.

What really disturbed us, however, was the fact that the girl had been infertile since birth, and that the fetus was found in her stomach.

Panicking, I tried to warn the other passengers that the plane was going to crash but I couldnu2019t make them understand.

They just tutted and turned away because no one likes a crying baby on a plane.

"Be Not Afraid," The Angel sang in an unworldly voice as the massive entity descended from the heavens.

As ten thousand beams of light fired from its massive eye upon Earth's major cities, it added: "Be Terrified."

My roommate kept stealing my salt, so I replaced it with sugar to teach him a lesson.

After I hadn't seen him for 4 days I broke into his room to find a circle of 'salt' around his messy bed covered in tiny, caramelized hoofprints.

The Devil grabbed my wife by her hair and started dragging her away from me.

"You remember the deal, your first born child is mine."

"I'm so sorry, dad, but please don't come near me!" was the last thing my son said before blowing his head off.

As the bitemark on his arm began to heal, I wished I had told him sooner that our family was immune.

Giving birth is hard.

Especially when you feel the horns.

I didn't regret using my last wish for immortality even after the last star in the universe faded to nothing a trillion years ago.

Because I used my second wish to find out what happens after death, and spending an eternity in the uncaring void of a dead universe was by far the better option.

It was one of the most euphoric moments of my life, as my wife pushed and my daughter began to crown.

My blood ran cold and my stomach turned after the lone head rolled onto the hospital bed.

When my husband took my son camping, I delighted in my night of peaceful solitude at home.

Since that night, Iu2019ve had endless solitude, but never peace.

I promised my wife to keep the last bullet for her when she was bitten by a zombie.

I just realized it's been 9 months, and I should have kept another one for what's eating its way out of her body now.

The boy asked me, "what do monsters look like?"

The temptation to peel back his father's face and show him the truth was almost too much to bear.

My first day working at suicide hotline didn't exactly go as I expected.

I never expected a call from my daughter.

I yawned and stretched my arms, wondering why it was so dark.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of..."

Joann was a huge advocate for feeding your animals a vegan diet, always peddling the benefits on Facebook.

Little did she know a simple fall in the shower was all it took for meat to be back on the menu.

My loyal Buddy looked at me, eagerly awaiting me to scratch behind his ears with bright eyes, panting and drooling with his tongue exposed.

Amazing how a lobotomy changes a man.

As I lowered the gun, I realized that I couldnu2019t commit suicide because it would hurt my family too much.

Instead, I decided to show mercy, and loaded my gun with a few more bullets.

I gave my son "Anti-monster spray" in a little bottle, so he would feel safe sleeping alone.

It wasn't easy getting that holy water, but he can't know i see it too.

I managed to grab the razor blade from the young woman just in time before she was able to cut her wrists with it.

I angrily slapped her across the face for cowardly trying to get out of her appointment with the men waiting upstairs for her.

im not scared that iu2019ve been seeing missing posters of myself

itu2019s the fact that the news is now saying that my body has been found.

I looked out from the second floor at the bloody mess outside on the street, and realised that my parents had been lying to me

They told me that babies are bouncing bundles of joy, but my brother had barely bounced at all

"It doesn't hurt anymore, babe" my girlfriend murmers sleepily as she snuggles closer.

"We've stopped shaking, too" I mumble blearily as we huddle together in this frozen cabin, a distant voice in my head trying to remember why this seems like a bad thing.

As the clerk handed me my developed prints, he shyly asked if I did horror photography for a living, or if it was just a hobby.

I couldn't answer as I frantically ripped open the pack to see the photos I took alone in my grandmother's empty house.

I just knew that the glowing stone was a gift from the gods that could save us from the sickness that ravaged our village.

Why else would the ancient ones have made the odd clicking box that led me straight to it?

I laughed in Lucifer's face when he told me the punishment in hell for Nymphomania was eternal sex.

It's been over a month now, the constant friction has eroded my genitals but the succubi just won't stop.

My Mom always said that my baby brother is an angel.

I sat there crying to her on the balcony trying to explain I thought angels could fly.

I watched from the afterlife as my mother, always so outwardly caring and affectionate, was finally convicted of poisoning me.

How the fuck did I forget to leave a note?

Just because Iu2019m Jewish, my white Aryan neighbour keeps telling me to get out of the country before I get harmed.

No matter how much he begs and pleads with me, I smile calmly and reassure him that itu2019s 1937; people are more civilized nowadays, and this new u201cNazi partyu201d in power doesnu2019t worry me.

I have to confess that I never truly loved my children, they where an accident and I blame them for ruining my life.

Yet they still crave my approval and keep praying to me.

As I got out of the Ford Police Interceptor and walked towards the cute young woman that I'd pulled over, I reflected that she really wasn't a criminal.

The actual criminals are the companies that legally sell former police cars, realistic light bars, and real police uniforms to just anyone.

I was surprised by my ex-wife's nice gesture of sending me a box of chocolates for my 5 years of sobriety anniversary.

But only after I tasted one piece and felt the sweet, stingy cherry liquior flooding my mouth I realised her true intentions.

My teacher in the Bomb Disposal Unit always told me that I should never stress when defusing a bomb because "Either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."

As I lay crippled and disfigured in the ICU I realized that there was a third and far worse option...

My wife is absent minded.

After she left for work she awakened me with a text message that said, u201cI left the back door open so please make it look like an accident.u201d

u201cOK, this is a game where weu2019ve got 90 seconds to change your clothes, clip your hair and rub this dye into itu201d

u201cOn your way out of the mall smile at the security guard and donu2019t say a wordu201d

"Dude what's up??" he hollered as I wave back trying to remember his name.

"Not much!" a voice walking up from behind me says.

"Don't worry, I'll fix everything caused by that awful car accident, " the surgeon told me cheerfully just before he began.

Then he leaned in close so only I could hear and whispered menacingly, "I want you to know that the woman in the car you hit was my daughter, you goddamn drunk."

We all assumed she was just enjoying the strawberry jam in the cake we smashed her face in.

We didnu2019t know bakers used wooden beams as support for tall cakes.

After my ex-husband dropped off our daughter from her weekend stay, I noticed bruises on her back and stomach.

I forgot to cover them up, hopefully he didn't see.

I know this sub is supposed to be for stories and stuff, but I just wanted to say thanks!

All the awesome ideas on here have helped me break from routine and keep things fresh!

My wife and I had another fight over me getting home drunk, so I threw our new vase at her face.

Now her ashes are all over her portrait.

Immortality is indeed a blessing.

In the age of famine, the immortals' perk of body regeneration is truly a gift to humanity

"Do you have any last words?" the executioner asked me.

"You say that every time."

"You can leave this room when your sister does!" my mother screamed as she locked the door behind her.

I turned in horror to the rotting corpse as I finally realized where Lilly had been all these months.

I'm pregnant and I can't wait for my child to be born !

I've always wanted a little brother.

When they said mark of the beast, they always thought it is some kind of a barcode or a symbol that distinguish him from the others.

They scanned my head for temperature several times already and it's always measured 66.6 degrees.

u201cWHY WOULD YOU CUT A BABYu2019S WRISTS?!u201d the doctors and the police in the hospital lobby screamed.

The young mother, with dull eyes framed with dark circles, quietly responded, u201cwhen I canu2019t stop crying cutting my wrists is the only thing that helps, and I thought it would help him too.u201d

I hate seeing the hanging girl in my closet

I wish that my parents hadnu2019t given me my sisteru2019s old room

I always fall asleep holding my wife's hand

I'll bury it with the rest of her body when I'm ready

With swift urgency, I ran to the distressed mother clutching her daughter whou2019d been struck by a car.

Hands steady, I pulled out my phone and quickly zoomed into their faces and started recording.

"Hands in the air" the officer barked as I sat there on my knees.

They weren't nearly as amused as I was when I raised my victims arms into the air in response.

The genie granted me 3 wishes, I wished to visit humanity 1 year into the future.

*u201dRule 1: I cannot bring back the deadu201d* said the genie.

The aliens interviewed every last human to see if we are good and worth saving.

Then they asked the animals.

u201cOh fuck yesu201d she moaned while bouncing on me.

With tears in my eyes, I laid on the bed, doing nothing except begging her to stop.

I stepped off the elevator, eager to tell my therapist that I had finally found a reason to live, and had decided not to kill myself.

All I found in his office was an open window, and a note that simply read, "You were right, nothing matters, none of it."

I was thrilled to receive my first call from the app u201cBe My Eyes.u201d

Until she sobbed into the phone asking if she was alone and I couldnu2019t yell no fast enough.

They say a shiver down your spine means that someoneu2019s walking over your future burial site.

As my husband walks around outside gardening, the shivers wonu2019t stop.

It had fangs, scales and it's arms were crookedly disfigured like undeveloped wings.

As my wife lay dying on the birthing bed she uttered, "I swear it's yours".

The giftbox was light, really light, and I gave it a small comedy shake, which elicited a chuckle from my wife.

I opened the box and looked at the mangled bloody mess and twisted wire hanger sitting at the bottom as she whispered in my ear "It was twins".

I caught my kids watching a documentary about the horrors committed by soldiers during the last war

I hope the uniform prevented them from recognizing me.

"So you're saying these pills will get rid of Bob, Sarah, Michael, and all my other personalities, right?" I said eagerly.

"I'm so sorry, Fred," the therapist replied, "but I already gave them to Michael."

When the authorities called and said they were bringing my wife home after finding her wandering around a local mall, I placed the barrel of the pistol against my temple and prepared to pull the trigger.

After listening to the priest and cutting her body up into 1999 pieces, scattering them around the world, I knew that death was my only escape.

I threaded the needle and began to work diligently.

No matter how much my daughter screamed and struggled, I had to make absolutely sure she remained pure until her wedding night.

It was only after at least 12 feet of digging trough wet and suffocating mud by hand, that it had struck me.

They must have buried me face down.

No child should ever die alone.

That's why I decided to let my son invite some friends over.

My heart sank as I watched the footage on my security camera, which had recorded the man who killed my son.

I had no idea my sleepwalking had gotten this bad...

[MOD POST] My little brother hung himself last night after a long battle with his own inner demons and alcoholism, so if you or someone you love is suffering from depression, please reach out and get help, NOW.

I love you, Keifer. . I hope you are at peace right now.

"My son always screams like a wounded animal when we cut his hair," we told the psychiatrist, hoping for guidance.

Several tests and doctors later, guilt brings me to my knees, when the genetic specialist describes the believed to be unique condition of live nerve endings in the boy's hair.

My partner tied me to our bed after we had sex, saying I was gonna be the first person to experience this type of pregnancy.

Now that whatever inside of me has started eating its way out, she's nowhere to be seen.

After Grandpa died, sorting through his belongings brought back a lot of memories.

When we found his vintage porn collection, it reminded me that I used to have a sister.

"I said I wanted a white one!" the spoiled girl in the pet shop shrieked, stomping her feet and begining to throw a fit.

As the panicked store owner ushered me back to my cage, I was suddenly grateful for my dark skin.

The world ending in 2012 wasn't a prophecy, it was a suggestion.

We should have listened, but now He's here.

You are receiving this message as a valued customer, because according to our records you dined at our restaurant twice in the past month.

Please contact your doctor and local health department immediately for more information on prion diseases.

She slid two fingers in and moaned: "It's so tight, but I think it might be wet enough to fit a third!"

He screamed into his gag and started to convulse, as she stretched the wound in his abs a little bit farther.

'OMG I love cookie dough ice cream', I thought hungrily digging into the treat.

Usually, I only find meat and vegetable mush in people's stomachs.