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Timmy and I were playing with his toy phone when I suggested he use it to call up his imaginary friend.

In a horrifying moment of clarity, I could feel my cell phone vibrating in my pocket.

Today marks 12 years of sobriety for me.

As I perched over my next victim, knife in hand, I realized this filled the void much better than the alcohol ever did.

My daughter had her mother's eyes.

As she popped one into her mouth and began happily chewing, I suppressed a scream and prayed to God that she wouldn't find my hiding place.

I developed a nervous tic, where I blink twice in rapid succession, stretch my fingers, and jerk my head forward by an inch or two, whenever I'm under a lot of stress.

After the train crash, I was lying on the floor, mostly unharmed, with a piece of metal pointed towards my right eye.

I recently taught myself Morse code.

I wish I didn't however, now birds peck at my window telling me "it's coming".

My kid pulled a prank by putting a mirror under his bed and asking me to look for the monster .

The jokes on him as I can't se myself in a mirror.

I don't know how Dad could afford my surgery, with all that gambling debt he's so afraid of, but I'm just happy to be getting a new kidney!

The anesthesia must be kicking in, because it seems like that nurse is wheeling over *tons* of organ coolers haha

My son told me that he loves to sleep because he remembers everything that he dreams about.

Yesterday he cut his eyelids off so that he wouldn't fall asleep.

When we finally found food after starving for several days, it only seemed right to let my son have the first bite.

But when he touched the cheese, all I could do was watch in horror as a metal bar slammed down and shattered his neck.

The surgeon smiled as he said that my face was now beautiful and symmetrical.

He failed to mention, however, that the line of symmetry was horizontal.

An old woman cursed me with an inability to count.

Fueled by rage, I ran out of my home, desperately trying to catch up to the killer of my son with no regard for my own safety.

Sadistic joy filled my broken heart, when I found him terrified, with his leg stuck in the same metal jaws that cost my cub his life.

My husband laughed at me for just pricking him with a pin after I caught him cheating.

I wonder if he'll still find it funny when he tests positive?

My father really loved using his fancy fitbit watch and wanted to be buried with it.

Days after the funeral, I logged into his account to end service and saw a spike of activity the night he was buried.

Having been blind from birth, I was so grateful that a new procedure had restored my sight and would, at last, allow me to see the faces of my children I had only ever heard.

“Children?”, the doctors asked, alarmed…”you don’t have any children”.

The man strengthened his grip on the enemy soldier’s neck as his resistance grew weaker

The wife, losing consciousness and gasping for breath, continued to pray hopelessly for her husband to wake up from his nightmare.

As the rescuer's boat approached the flooded building, they managed to rescue a frantic dog just in time before the water began to rise.

Timmy, exhausted from hours of screaming for help, awoke to find his faithful companion gone; leaving him, stuck, cold, and alone.

Dno’t pnaic, tihs is yuor bairn, I dno’t hvae mcuh tmie, it cna’t dciehper scblramed wrods, get hlep, it’s arleady insdie of you.

Never mind, you’re fine.

“A drink for your daughter?“

I looked in her sad little eyes and said goodbye as the man handed me his last gallon of drinkable water.

At the dinner table, my brother always spat on my plate when Mum's not looking and said that he'd punch me if I told on him.

Many years later, at Mum's funeral, he said it was the only way to slip the antidote in.

[JAN22] My (42F) daughter (13F) took her own life last week after being subjected to online trolling, and today the police arrested ME!

The emails I sent pretending to be her school crush were to try and toughen her up - she’s always been a cry baby and her suicide was just another attempt at attention.

The name ‘grandma’ made me feel so old the first time I heard it.

My daughter cries all the time now, but I’m happy to just be ‘mom’ again.

I watched in horror from my hiding place as the aliens slaughtered my people.

Someday I will find this Earth place that they come from and destroy them all.

My boyfriend betrayed me- he had sex with that whore Jessica.

So today I’m giving him the cold shoulder, tomorrow I’ll give him her elbow, and next month we’ll see if he still wants her pussy!

I woke up, yawned, stretched and then climbed out of bed and brought my foot down painfully on a Lego.

As I sat there rubbing my foot, I was shocked to discover that the house and everything within it was slowly becoming Lego, *including me.*

We exchanged worried glances when our son pointed at the roof and inquired what was in the attic.

That door was never there before.

I hum quietly as I rock my 1 week old, kissing her forehead softly.

The doctors are wrong, I just know she’ll take her first breath soon.

I pulled out the strings dangling from my foot.

Turns out they were veins.

“EARTH TO VOYAGER 227, DO NOT RETURN, I REPEAT, DO NOT R-“

Nothing but static over the comms for 12 days- then it returned: “False alarm, voyagers- you are cleared to return home.”

The priest prayed and prayed, begging the demon to leave the innocent childs body.

But as the body violently smashed around the room, a distorted voice bellowed loudly, "He won't let me out."

You have a weird habit of running up the stairs after turning off the lights.

Do you honestly think I’d wait for a silly light?

The girl grabbed her phone and rushed to hide in her closet, where she frantically dialed 911, "I... I think someone has been stalking me."

"We'll be there in ten minutes," the operator responded, "but for now don't come out of the closet, okay?"

Gasps filled the air as I began walking down the aisle with my father.

He died last year, but I'd been planning this for too long for it to be ruined now.

"You know," I said putting my arm around her shoulder, " A pretty girl shouldn't wander alone this time of the night."

An amalgamation of voices erupted as she opened her mouth "We are not."

When I finally entered rehab for my anorexia, my mother hugged me and whispered in my ear.

“But you could have been so beautiful.”

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

My alien kidnappers ordered me to mate with their only fertile female specimen, who they used to breed human embryos.

I looked in horror as they wheeled out the mangled body of my mother who disappeared ten years ago.

I visited Nathan on his deathbed at his request, despite having not seen him since bullying him at school 30 years ago.

I assumed he wanted me to apologise before he died but he just smiled, shook my hand, then told me about how infectious the disease killing him was.

“You’ll feel it in no time,” the dealer laughed as smoke filled Tormund’s lungs.

Tormund tried tearing his lips from the car’s tailpipe, but the glue was too strong.

My grandfather has Alzheimer’s

I’ve been removing one small body part per day and he doesn’t know how he’s losing them

The man said I only had fifty words left to live. Or did he say

As a young teenager, I remember hanging out with my friends and watching gory war films.

My therapist just explained that they were my "comrades", and we were the child soldiers who pillaged and burned those villages during the war.

The impact caused the most powerful earthquake ever recorded, millions died, the world seemed to break and the seas overflowed.

Trapped in the rubble and holding my children between my arms, I can only pray "Please God, don't let him take a second step."

“My daughter is autistic, she can’t understand you,” The woman explained.

Her son silently begged the social workers with tear-filled eyes, praying they would realise his “mother” had forced him to wear a dress and a wig.

Advice needed, what did my fellow parents do when your baby started drawing on the walls?

Sorry for autocorrect *crawling.

I felt an overwhelming sense of pride as I saw my 6 year old daughter walk through those doors on her first day of school.

As I gripped the detonator, I couldn’t believe how easy it was to sneak so much C4 into a school.

A great sadness came over me as I overheard the gossip that tomorrow they plan to let me go, after 27 years of loyal working for the plant.

So I locked the door of the control room and started disabling the reactor cooling circuits.

My sister came in my room last night and warned me not to go in the basement with my father tomorrow.

I screamed in horror, because my sister has been missing for three years now.

Shortly after our argument, I found my wife with her throat slit, holding a note that read “your right!”

Being petty, I started to correct it to “you’re” when I was suddenly attacked, realizing too late it was a warning.

My dad was angry when I showed him my test results.

I'm having a daughter and a sister.

The doctors said that, since going blind, my brain might invent audio hallucinations.

I was expecting ringing or music, not this faint breathing.

I came home to my dog, wife, and kids happily greeting me at the door, dinner fresh at the table.

I reopened my eyes to see the debris of the space station slowing fading away, as I floated deeper into the darkness of space.

You know, scarecrows are supposed to scare birds away

But mine seem to attract vultures

The monster stared back at me, and licked the blood of my loved ones off its fingers.

"The mirror in my bathroom was always the most flattering," I thought, as the sound of approaching police sirens cut through the night.

One of the first things I did after moving in was to check out the basement.

"Great, there's nothing spooky down here" I thought,as I climbed back up the stairs, to find the door wasn't there any more.

I killed the last undead bastard I saw on that street and then ran into a nearby alleyway for shelter.

Of course as soon as drugs wore off I realized the zombie apocalypse had not come after-all and my wrench was still drenched in blood.

Punctuality has never been my strong suit.

As I sit here and watch the last ship leave for new Earth, I wish it was.

I sat quietly as my parents screamed at each other, and blamed the other for my sister's death

Due to their drug induced state, neither can remember me handing them the heroin syringe instead of my sister's EpiPen

Since the strange winged creature had been stalking me for days, I ambushed it tonight and wrung its freak neck.

"I'm... your... Guardian... Angel......" he choked out with his dying breath, as demonic shapes began to take form in the shadows around us.

"For God's sake, Dad, you've told me that story twice already," I interrupt as his joyful smile wanes.

He hasn't, but those care home papers aren't going to sign themselves.

My son was unusually tough for a 4 year old.

Usually at that age, the meat just melts in your mouth.

I woke up to my husband’s body, stabbed and slashed, and the bed was soaked with blood.

I screamed and screamed, and then I realised that the kids hadn’t come to see what was wrong.

Someone broke into my house today while my parents were out.

I tried shaking the chains as hard as I could to get their attention but the basement walls were too thick.

My daughter keeps sneaking out at night to meet her boyfriend.

I confronted her in the garage, covered in mud and holding the shovel, and angrily told her that if she ever gets arrested trespassing in the cemetery I'm not going to bail her out.

After a week of intense interrogation and brutal torture, I was ready to spill the beans.

When I picked up the scalpel and pulled down his pants, I think the prisoner knew it too.

I woke up after having a dream where I was lying naked on the floor and unable to move after these eight teenage boys violated my body until I died.

I cried hard as I realized that after 20 years, this was the first time that I dreamt and felt all of it from our victim's pov.

“The monster under the bed” is what the orphanage boys called me...

...after the bunk bed collapsed, disfiguring my face and body.

Pinocchio, being unable to feel pain, volunteers to take another’s place during a witch burning.

Unfortunately an act of true selflessness was what it took to become a real boy.

As we cuffed her and dragged her away from the bleeding corpse, she pleaded, "It's not my fault, the voices made me do it!".

"Release her", I heard menacingly from somewhere inside myself, "or you shall become our new vessel."

As humanity's last effort, we sent a message to the stars.

It echoed into the infinite nothingness, waiting for a response that never came.

"Hey mom, this strange woman at the mall whispered to me that if you say someone's name backwards, you can order him to do whatever you want."

"Nonsense, Anna, I would never do this to you, believe me, honey."

My family moved a lot when I was younger.

Every time we saw a picture of me on a telephone pole, we would pack up.

I put the bottle to my lips and my foot on the gas and shouted, “Let the race begin!”

Which would end me first - the poison in my whiskey or the carbon monoxide in my garage?

I think I might be the most successful serial killer in history.

The best part is telling their loved ones we did everything we could.

"Papa, look, I'm on the TV!" said the three-year-old.

"What does *kivnapped* two years ago mean?"

They called it suicide forest, as many have walked in, but were found hung from the trees, but I dared to tread through it...

As the branches tightly grasped my throat and slowly lifted me up, my last thought as I hung there dying was the realization that no one died of their own accord... Edit - I appreciate constructive criticism. I strive to be a better writer. I was so tired when I wrote this, I could have shortened it to something like "I took a stroll in suicide forest, daring to observe the lives taken. As the branches tighten around my neck and lift me off the ground, I realize it was not of their own doing." Thank you for reading and commenting and awarding the concept. :)

I was scared when I saw my dad chopping wood in the backyard.

It scared me even more to see he was using the axe I killed him with.

“Daddy, daddy, my tooth fell out,” my daughter yelled as she came running in to show me.

That’s it, her husband is fucking done for.

My girlfriend screamed at me for trying to force feed her, while claiming she always knew I had a thing for chubby girls

I watched her paper thin body clutching to the chair for support and wished there was some way I could help convince her she wasn't overweight

I once sought asylum in an old woman's home during a storm with the only condition that I do the same for someone in return.

It was frightening when she turned to dust right in front of me but now, 80 years later, I'm praying for someone to knock on this door.

Right before he shot her dead, she screamed at the man she loved, "I'll kill that bitch Emily, and we'll be together again!"

Years later, to his horror, Emily died giving birth to a baby, a healthy female baby, whose birthmark resembled a bullet hole.

Millions of schoolchildren worldwide suddenly collapsed, their brains and blood leaking from their ears, nose and mouth.

The world once marveled at the genius of microchips implanted at birth, but now they mourned as massive solar flares wreaked havoc on Earth's electronics.

"Please," I begged, tears choking my voice as quiet gurgling filled the room.

"I promise I won't be mad, honey, just tell me where you hid your brothers EpiPen"

I saved my dad from the scary man that approached the door.

As he rewarded me with a car ride he cried "you were a good boy, I'm so sorry"

In 1945 Chinese explorer Zheng Chie made the first ever attempt to summit everest, after 3 days he disappeared above the clouds.

He was found hours later at the base with cuts carved into his entire body, in every language the cuts spelled out "STAY BELOW".

I lied to the rapist that I had hep-c, hoping he would stop.

He told me it was ok, that he was positive also.

Miraculously, I’m the last member of the rainforest expedition that hasn’t committed suicide.

Tell my wife and kids I love them; we never should have seen what was inside that temple.

I was pretty sure I could convert my new girlfriend to a dog person.

But her body keeps rejecting the canine tissue.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and held myself steady as the school drug dog approached my locker.

“They’re trained to find drugs, not body parts,” I assured myself.

When Hitler told me that he was just following orders, I asked him who was he working for.

He told me he would rather spend another eternity in Hell than to piss them off.

I hung up the phone after calling my dad to tell him that I loved him.

“You used your time better than the others”, the shooter said as he raised his gun to my head.

"I pray our descendants never make the same mistake we did" sighed the astrophysicist, while launching the remaining human embryos towards the last habitable planet.

~~"If only we had stopped our greenhouse emissions earlier, we could have prevented the extinction on our home planet Venus."~~ Edit 2023/06/10: Leaving Reddit due to /u/spez doubling down on API changes. Will keep post history for future visitors. Edit 2023/06/23: Reddit is dead. Come join me on Lemmy. Guide: https://github.com/amirzaidi/lemmy

I kept hearing a strange giggle from the tv, regardless of what channel or volume it was on.

I never thought to check behind the tv.

Me and my wife love playing practical jokes on people, and were barely able to hold in our laughter as we told her that it was a prank

It was just so funny watching the heartbreak on the little girl's face, when she realised we weren't going to adopt her from the orphanage

The crazy old man pleaded for me not to enter the tunnel, warning it will take years off my life.

As my skin wrinkled and hair greyed, I ran back outside, trying to warn the *younger* me from entering.

I watched in horror as the midwife slammed my newborn baby against the doorframe.

“April fool’s!” she laughed “It was stillborn!”

“Sorry, no tattoos allowed in Heaven, no exceptions.”

I frantically tried to explain the number tattooed on my arm, but it was already too late.

Mom always said she wanted to die before her kids.

As the doctor read my diagnosis I realized I would have to grant her wish myself.

My best friend was on the radio today

And the dash board , steering wheel and window

After a month dealing with sleep paralysis, i got used to seeing hallucinations

But i noticed just now that my cat is staring at the man with the hat too