Title
stringlengths
6
297
SelfText
stringlengths
0
3.34k
It's easy to get lost in this school
Which is why I thought they wouldn't find the bomb
I drank the tap water all the time as a kid.
Iu2019m just waiting for the cancer to set in.
The teacher said it was okay and not all wrong things ends up with a disaster
She gave a sign to a big man behind me and he slammed big hammer in my head, it was all in pieces and blood
My husband loves to join me in the shower, without invitation, every chance he gets.
So when I heard the bathroom door open and saw a hand reach through the shower curtain, I wouldnt have thought anything of it if my husband had been home.
The advertisement read: Runs well, cheap to maintain, serviced regularly, happily used for years.
So why the fuck is she crying in the photo?
There are rules here
Good Luck
u asked my waiter what the strangely textured meat was in my entru00e9e
he told me the chefs put their heart into their work.
My mom always insists I hug my dad when I come back home from college
The worst part is feeling his maggot infested flesh rub against mine, but she still wonu2019t bury the body.
I stroked his face with care assuring him this was not my first time
A tear fell down his cheek assuring me the Rocuronium had taken effect, so I took the gag out of his mouth and made the first incision into his chest.
After shooting my wife and her lover in the head when I caught them together
He survived it, but I stopped seeing him once I started talking my medications again.
They removed my story because it wasnu2019t u201cinherently horrifyingu201d
One day this will be one sentence horror
My family has always been toxic, so I finally decided to cut them off.
Although now I have to carry all this climbing equipment back by myself.
An employee of mine came to my office today and asked to leave early claiming his mother will most likely die today, and being a reasonable boss I decided to let him take the rest of the day.
As I stopped at the store after work to pick up milk, I watched in horror as he carted a shovel, garbage bags and tarp out of the store.
I woke up to the smell of rotten eggs.
I hurriedly stood up and turned on the lights.
I felt the searing, indescribable agony as the knife cut deep into my flesh, cutting through my organs.
The surgeons were none the wiser as I appeared to be soundly sleeping.
I went to play football
There was no foot only ball....
After my only daughter was brutally killed, I spent every waking hour of my life researching a way to resurrect someone
They say revenge is not worth it, I disagree, and so does my daughter, every. single. day.
I cried out in panic after I woke up and looked through the thermal baby camera at an empty crib.
I knew true horror when I realized it wasn't empty at all.
Today my parents told me that I was born a twin.
I was overcome with emotion at this realization but then fear struck me when I found out that he was being brought home now and that I would take his place at the institution.
A few hours after eating dinner at the very popular restaurant, my family and I came down with severe food poisoning.
After recovering, we were watching the news and found out that we were actually the lucky ones...
In this heatwave you should stay in shade and avoid excessive physical activity
If you can smell your own body they can smell it too
A few hours before my mother died I gave her a voodoo doll with my essence in it.
Today I felt a hug and turned around to see my mother.
Her fixation with symmetry led her to meticulously redecorate her entire house and then to undergo numerous plastic surgeries to correct invisible flaws, but I never thought it would get this bad.
After I lost a finger in that accident she insisted on u201crebalancingu201d me, but she never seems to think whatu2019s left of my hands are perfectly matched yet.
I was riding in a plane with my burger King crown on
But then a woman kneed me in the stomach
I smiled brightly as I watched the little boy open his gifts from the window.
Afterall, I don't want to ruin his birthday by telling him about the horrifying monster that is charging towards him from behind.
When he invited me to his palacio for dinner, I was obviously nervous, but tucked my tallit securely into my capote and approached the doorway with caution.
When the portero opened the door, I peered inside and hung my head in defeated horror as mi amigo shouted, u201cNobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!u201d
I returned from my bathroom break to find the cockpit door locked, so I knocked and asked my copilot to let me back inside.
I was met with an eerie silence before the plane pitched violently forward, beginning a rapid descent through the clouds.
"Hey Steve, take over for me while I use the bathroom, will ya?"
Once the captain left the cockpit, I locked the door, turned off the autopilot, and settled in for the descent.
I was making ramen late one night
u201cCan I have a bite?u201d said the Ramen Spider
"For my first wish," I proclaimed to the djinn "I wish to be sent back in time to just before I made a decision I ended up regretting."
The genie simply responded "Done," and with the snap of his fingers, and a flash of light, he continued "I am the genie of the Lamp..."
Passing my neighboru2019s apartment, I briefly heard a foreign language intertwined with TV static, followed by panicked murmurs and shushing.
Late into the night, when the secret police dragged him and his wife out of their home, I took solace in knowing that my daughter would get assigned to a good workplace.
They've got me on a new drug for the duration of my sentence, something meant to prevent the formation of traumatic memories in prisoners.
I wake up crying most days, but I don't know what they're doing to me, or why.
The life expectancy of humans seems to increase more and more as time goes on.
The average human lives 32767 years now, but everyone is worried, that every pregnant woman seems to miscarry all of the sudden.
Mere steps from escape, I looked back at my wife
And for a brief moment I saw the familiar love in her eyes.
The romantic evening I had planned for the two of us got ruined when Jack left me at the movies in a state of panic.
I just wanted to have a lovely candle light dinner with him and watch the full moon above us.
The radio just broadcasted that the vampire attacks have begun
It's gonna be a long winter, I murmured to myself in my Arctic house
Annoyed, sleep-deprived and late, I rushed to leave.
It wasn't until I heard a "thud" that I realised my toddler wasn't in the car seat.
As the full moon bathed the graveyard in an ethereal glow, the vampire licked his lips, anticipating his next feast.
Little did he know that lurking in the shadows was a bloodthirsty werewolf, ready to unleash its primal hunger upon him.
I held back tears after firing the gun, watching my sons body fall to the ground.
I turned the gun to myself and the only thing worse than hearing the click of the empty chamber, was realizing I could no longer hear the scratching and moaning from the other side of the door.
Bound in chains I struggled to get free
As the moon shone through the break in the clouds, even these could not hold back the animal within
I panicked as I woke to the sound of the basement window breaking.
Theyu2019re escaping.
After I was stabbed and left in a coma, my biggest worry was who would take care of my son.
I could stop him adding to the body count, if I could just wake up.
For the last few months, Iu2019ve dreamt of the smiling man in the corner of my room.
Today he finally spoke and said, u2018soonu2019.
I thought it was a good idea to take a bath with my girlfriend
I was shocked to see her toaster parts as she lowered into the water
It knock on the door
I open and Obama skinned me alive
I excitedly teleported to my arranged vacation in Tahiti.
I am now going to die of dehydration in a scammer's holding cell since my family can't afford the ransom.
As my date and I arrived in my bedroom, I excitedly turned to the mirror to fix my hair.
In the mirror I saw only my own reflection, alone in the dark room.
We couldn't keep any of our pets alive for more than two weeks
But it was good training for our little baby alice
Today, the thermometer registered 28 degrees Celsius.
Who would've guessed the coldest temperature Eastern Europe has seen this winter would be in February.
I got up this morning and just did 9 holes.
Progress on creating a zombie slave is near complete.
Like the dewy mist of summer sunrise, echos of distanced praise for a name I had almost forgotten hang in the air, as I rest stiff and cold, dolled up in a face full of make up.
I regret not using a gun.
After i eaten meat from my local supermarket i left them 3 stars
they should remove my wife ring before they pack it
I've always looked a lot lighter than I am, so I can't really blame the operator for what happened.
How was she supposed to know how far above the roller coaster's weight limit I was?
Having second thoughts, I pulled the gun muzzle out of my mouth.
u201cDo it u fkg cowardu201d and a flurry of other likeminded messages on my livestream encouraged me to put it back in again.
I went to the movies to watch fnaf movie
but it was too late that i realised it was faf movie! ud83eudd2f
My parents told the police they couldn't identify the body found near the lake
It was surprising because i was wearing my favorite pajamas.
"The Count was rich and powerful, a perfect marriage candidate for a woman like myself!", I thought...
"One nail! HA HA HA, Two nails! HA HA HA...", he mocked as he tortured me in his dungeon.
As I climb up the passenger's seat, I laugh and try to hold as much of my wedding dress in my hands so my groom's friends can fit in the car too.
I should have spent more time with him and his buddies because now I can't seem to recognize any of them and neither the route they are taking.
I left our hiding places, desperate for nourishment knowing that soon my partner will give birth
Thankfully we can feed while the giants sleep in their beds.
As i was walking down the street, a woman approached me and told the man besides her that i was her friend, i immediately knew she was in danger.
"Nope. Not her friend." I said, while the man's smile becomes more aggressive after he figured out what she was doing.
Infuriated, the soldier stopped the interrogation, called a translator and asked him "He doesn't answer any of my questions and has only been mumbling for hours, what is he talking about??"
The translator's eyes widened and he mumbled, "Fo... four, three, two, o..."
Tonight on the menu: tripes cooked in wine and herbs with a side of white beans and greens.
But how am I supposed to digest anything now?
I love camping, I get to relax and enjoy nature while staring at the night sky.
I don't know if it's just me, but does that one star seem bigger and brighter than last night?
I dreamed that the floors and walls are absolutely drenched in blood.
I awakened with vigor, that this will be one dream that I will make come true.
My first time seeing the northern lights was quite an experience.
Until the waves of energy formed a blood red sphere that landed ten feet in front of me.
u201cOver 100,000 people will inevitably die this year, and unfortunately there is nothing we can do to help.
Insulin sales have the best margins and Iu2019m not risking my job by cutting the prices, sorry.u201d
I read a article about a man who died legally for 2 minutes and apparently saw his dead wife and children on the other side before he was resuscitated.
I'm really hoping he told the truth, because when it happened to me last week, I saw nothing.
After weeks of practice, I can finally hold my breathe under water!
I never knew the view would be so dark and hazy.
My 3 year old loves soda and I just recently introduced him to Mountain Dew.
Then I found the empty antifreeze bottle on the floor.
Did she love you more than I did?
I whispered to my lifeless son hanging from the ceiling.
I yanked his torso closer to mine, kissing him hard as if this would be the last time.
For him, at least, as I plunged the knife deep into his abdomen; u201cIf I canu2019t have you, nobody can.u201d
My date said she wanted me to come over to her house for dinner and I happily agrees, later showing up eager and hungry for a meal.
I now watch in horror as my date's jaw unhinges abnormally open before me like a snake, and slowly realized what she truly meant.
Sitting at family dinner mum slapped my hand and said "stop playing with your food!"
I used my fork to pierce a stray piece of rice and griped "but they keep moving,"
I was glad that I got the house to myself when my family went on a trip without me
But why do I still see my sister peeking into my door in the night then?
When the first aliens arrived to Earth, many were delighted when they resembled the common Bovine.
They also tasted very similar.
As the dust and debris settled, the solo hiker was finally able to glance at her surroundings, 10 metres down in the abandoned mineshaft into which she had fallen.
At the same time that the pain from her mangled legs finally hit her, her eyes accustomed to the dimness and she was able to make out the dozens of carcasses of animals that had fallen and succumbed before her u2013 and she screamed.
As my dad was looking through the scope I whispered to him, "Fire."
I shouldn't have been standing behind him.
New advancements in AI allow them to be trained using human brain waves, so that they think, feel, and behave more realistically than ever.
Within a year, this technology is set to revolutionize the sex robot industry!
The battle was won, the nazis gladly placing their flag in the ground.
This excitement was short-lived, when screams of joy turned into horror and pain, as the fallen soldiers began eating everyone.
My coworker told me he was "cracking open a cold one" before he heads home.
As I waved and wish him a good weekend, I walked out of the morgue.
Day 4 of my solo camping trip and I still havenu2019t left the tent.
Despite hearing my friends outside telling me itu2019s safe to come out.
My hand reflexively slams down the snooze button my alarm clock, as I awake both anxious and annoyed.
Iu2019ve lived this day approximately 167 times already, and I die a violent death every single time.
When I got my new apartment on the top floor of my building, I remember how jealous my sister was of my view.
Too bad that a view couldn't save me from the rising smoke below me.
Why me, dad?
I thought I was safe with you.
The mother and her child moved to Jonestown to start a new life with peace and a sense of community.
As she watched the others force feed her child the u201cmedicineu201d while she screamed for her mommy, the mother could only stare in resignation as the call came for the adults to begin.
"Just a few likes short," he muttered, reaching down from the heavens and gently gripping the boy's heart until the beating slowly stopped.
My mother went crazy from year's of claiming my brother was missing, so dad had to put her away.
She's in a better place with my brother now, and I see a glimmer of happiness in both their eyes through the cracks in the floorboards.
"Mommy, is the monster still going to get me?"
No sweetheart, your father will never find us again.
When the apocalypse arrived, it wasn't zombies or monsters or aliens or whatever.
It was everything, every apocalypse we've ever imagined all at once.
We told our daughter to stop teasing her little brother, warning her there would be severe consequences if she continued.
The day he broke out of his cage and tore her face off with his bare teeth, she finally learned her lesson.
My sister took my color pencils so i took her pen
I gave her a glass of milk and she didnu2019t find her epipen in time
I read more and more, unable to stop until the end.
The final count in my recently deceased fatheru2019s journal was 64, with each page describing a different victim and how heu2019d tortured them to death.
They all looked at me like I was crazy when I was chopping the vegetables.
u201cOh, shit. Iu2019m in an old folks home again.u201d
Shadows in the night were common enough to be considered a trick of the mind.
Ignoring it, I woke up limbless to the staring bloody grin, only to see it fade away, back into the shadows of the night.
The granddaughter always complains how she is born too late for the age of piracy and heroes
Well maybe the ship pirates did die out, just like her real grandpa!
u2018Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can
Somethingu2019s waiting now to pounce and how youu2019ll scream
The man stood before his abusive father, smiling, whit his fist clutched
"your method to manipulate worked for everyone, but it became useless since I lost the fear of hell" he said, slowly getting the knife out of his pocket, now for a different reasons than to cut himself
When my girlfriend told me she had a high body count, I asked her how she could sleep with so many different people.
u201cI never said I slept with themu201d, was her response.
The virtual reality promised an escape from reality.
Instead it became a prison for our minds and weu2019re trapped in a never-ending simulation, unable to wake up.
Babysitting my little cousin is such a pain.
Especially since her new doll looks exactly like me.